---
date: 2019-08-16
weight: 6
---

A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up.

My interest in furry wound down a bit in university. I'd burned myself a bit too hard, hurt too many people, grew too jaded to take part. I still prowled around the usual haunts on the MUCKs, still poked my head in FFF, still looked at all the art, [but my heart wasn't in it anymore](https://adjectivespecies.com/2012/03/21/makyos-kaddish/).

> There was a reason behind this. There were people behind this.

Well, true. I don't know how to square that with...well, a lot of things.

> You don't know how to square that with how you felt about those people at the time.

That's one aspect, yes. I also don't know how to square that with the fact that I was growing too jaded in a lot more than just furry. I grew jaded at school. I grew jaded at work. I struggled with my relationships. I struggled.

> You struggled with gender.

Well, yes, but I wasn't quite ready to admit that, yet.

> You struggled with self harm.

Yes.

> You struggled with the intersections, the interstices, and the liminal spaces.

I was going to write about [a][s]. Where are you taking me?

> Straight homeward to your symbol-essences.

Shall I not die, then?

> Isn't that the point of writing?

I'm pretty sure all our names are writ on water at this point.

> Come now. You wanted to be Keats when you grew up.

You're in a mood.

> You're in a mood.

Fine.

Where are you taking me?

> Let [a][s] speak for [a][s]. Let yourself speak for yourself.

<a class="pulse" href="/furry/margaras">Okay</a>.
