---
date: 2019-08-18
weight: 1
---

<div class="cw">Self harm</div>

Self harm is a recurring theme within my life.

It takes so many forms, too. The cutting and burning, sure, but also the self-sabotage. Dropping my testosterone to zero. If approaching this in a sexual fashion was wrong, then remove the sexuality.

> An obvious solution.

I punished myself for what I did. If was fetishizing, if I was causing harm, then I deserved to suffer for it. I removed my sexuality from the picture. Cyproterone acetate twice a day and medroxyprogesterone every two weeks does a really good job of that.

I tell myself now that if I belive something to be true when I'm depressed as well as when I'm hypomanic, it's more likely to be right.

> One of us only tells the truth, and one of us only lies.

Perhaps if I still felt like I existed a few millimeters to the left of my body when sex wasn't a part of the equation, I was more likely to be right in pursuing the path of gender exploration.

I talked with JD about this, he helped me out, but I told basically no one else. I tanked my T and attempted to learn from my punishment.

> Now now, what did we say about secrets?

And then I let it slip on FurryMUCK, yes.

> You spilled the beans.

Yes. Then I admitted it. I talked about it.

>  You spoiled the surprise.

Everyone was so confused.

> Lapsus linguae.

I was so ashamed.

> You spoke too soon.

Even my punishment was wrong.

> It was the last thing <a class="pulse" href="/furry/margaras">Margaras</a> heard from you.

Never mind stopping myself from creating Younes, nevermind stopping myself from chemical castration; if I could go back in time, I would stop myself from saying anything for just a few more days.

> He died knowing that about you.

If Margaras had to die, I would that he not die with that being the last he heard from me.

> You cannot take that back.

If Younes, chemcast, and Margs' death are immutable, if losing my friends was inevitable, at least let me delay the hour of my mistake.

> You cannot.

Please.

> You cannot.

Oh god.

> It was the last thing he heard from you.

Merciful god, please take me away.

> You never spoke to him again.

I will close my eyes and my heart and become a stone.
