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date: 2019-08-15
weight: 18
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When I hit puberty, I wound up doing a good bit of digging to try and figure out just what it was that was going on. I mean, obviously, there was sex ed and stuff, but it's not like that's super comprehensive in the states.

> In fifth grade, the teachers gathered the four classes together in one spot to show a video and give a short lecture on sex. That was the extent of it, before and at the beginning of puberty.

Yeah, the video kept going on about how embarrassing puberty was. Boys getting erections and everyone laughing at them. Girls getting their period and everyone noticing. There was so much mortification built into the process. So much repression. The teachers hated it, the students picked up on it. The one woman teacher was asked if she could feel a man orgasm inside of her during sex. She haltingly said, "It's not like a fire hose or anything, but I guess so."

> You memorized that. You thought about that forever.

Yeah, maybe some genderful stuff going on there.

> Let's talk about kink.

Fuck *off*.

> If were corporeal, I'd be be smirking.

I'll just have to imagine it.

So I turned to the internet to learn more, as one does. I found the delightfully-named Puberty101. Forums, chat, articles, stories...

> And pedophiles?

I'm sure of it.

I met my first boyfriend there. Danny. He was wickedly smart. We started moderating a subforum on long distance relationships in the LGBT section. I think. Something like that.

> Did you dig for that, too?

Not this time. Or, well, not in months. Not since I found out he died. ODed? Not sure. I did dig it up it then, on Wayback. I saw us talking together.

No.

I saw Matthew and a dead guy talking together. I saw two kids in love. I saw too many names.

> Did you learn about sex?

I suppose. I learned about phone sex with Danny, at least. I miss that, actually. The tense silences, the little gasp, the embarrassed giggling that followed. I learned the theory if not the practice.

I learned about the theory of sex, embedded deep within puberty, and then I learned about furry.

> You learned about typefucking

Boy howdy did I.

[![TS logs over time](/ts-graph.png)](/ts-graph.png)

> You are a parody of yourself.

And proud of it. 
