diff --git a/book/book.pdf b/book/book.pdf index 2a028f6..e974da1 100644 Binary files a/book/book.pdf and b/book/book.pdf differ diff --git a/book/book.tex b/book/book.tex index d9c2f28..c4bb186 100644 --- a/book/book.tex +++ b/book/book.tex @@ -59,10 +59,131 @@ \input{content/ally/008.tex} \input{content/ally/009.tex} \input{content/ally/010.tex} + \end{leftcolumn} + \end{paracol} + + \begin{paracol}{2} + \begin{leftcolumn} + \input{content/poly.tex} + \end{leftcolumn} + \end{paracol} + + \begin{paracol}{2} + \begin{leftcolumn} + \input{content/sex/sex.tex} + \end{leftcolumn} + \end{paracol} + + \begin{paracol}{2} + \begin{leftcolumn} + \input{content/ally/011.tex} + \end{leftcolumn} + \end{paracol} + + \begin{paracol}{2} + \begin{leftcolumn} + \input{content/from-within.tex} + \end{leftcolumn} + \end{paracol} + + \begin{paracol}{2} + \begin{leftcolumn} + \input{content/ally/012.tex} + \input{content/ally/013.tex} + \end{leftcolumn} + \end{paracol} + + \begin{paracol}{2} + \begin{leftcolumn} + \input{content/furry/furry.tex} + \end{leftcolumn} + \end{paracol} + + \begin{paracol}{2} + \begin{leftcolumn} + \input{content/furry/younes.tex} + \end{leftcolumn} + \end{paracol} + + \begin{paracol}{2} + \begin{leftcolumn} + \input{content/self-harm/self-harm.tex} + \end{leftcolumn} + \end{paracol} + + \begin{paracol}{2} + \begin{leftcolumn} + \input{content/self-harm/suicide.tex} + \end{leftcolumn} + \end{paracol} + + \begin{paracol}{2} + \begin{leftcolumn} + \input{content/gender/gender.tex} + \end{leftcolumn} + \end{paracol} + + \begin{paracol}{2} + \begin{leftcolumn} + \input{content/gender/surgery.tex} + \end{leftcolumn} + \end{paracol} + + \begin{paracol}{2} + \begin{leftcolumn} + \input{content/ally/015.tex} + \end{leftcolumn} + \end{paracol} + + \begin{paracol}{2} + \begin{leftcolumn} + \input{content/liminal.tex} + \end{leftcolumn} + \end{paracol} + + \begin{paracol}{2} + \begin{leftcolumn} + \input{content/dad.tex} + \end{leftcolumn} + \end{paracol} + + % 16 + + \begin{paracol}{2} + \begin{leftcolumn} \input{content/poet-and-mystic.tex} \end{leftcolumn} \end{paracol} + % 17 + + % Writing + + % 18 + + % software + + % 19 + % 20 + % 21 + % 22 + % 23 + + % movement + + % 24 + % 25 + % 26 + % 27 + % 28 + % 29 + + \begin{paracol}{2} + \begin{leftcolumn} + \input{content/burnout.tex} + \end{leftcolumn} + \end{paracol} + \backmatter \pagestyle{empty} \input{content/afterword} diff --git a/book/content/ally/001.tex b/book/content/ally/001.tex index 9161a74..4b5c6b1 100644 --- a/book/content/ally/001.tex +++ b/book/content/ally/001.tex @@ -6,10 +6,12 @@ It doesn't need to be totally true, and maybe some stuff gets pretty floaty, and That might be neat -\ally{Who are you kidding?} - +\begin{ally} +Who are you kidding? +\end{ally} Myself, I guess. -\ally{Well, have at it, then.} - +\begin{ally} +Well, have at it, then. +\end{ally} \newpage diff --git a/book/content/ally/002.tex b/book/content/ally/002.tex index 117a208..4d0d8b3 100644 --- a/book/content/ally/002.tex +++ b/book/content/ally/002.tex @@ -4,20 +4,24 @@ I'm not ready to share this yet. -\ally{But you want to save it?} - +\begin{ally} +But you want to save it? +\end{ally} I want to save it. -\ally{But you save it like this. You save it in a book. You obscure the meaning, but it's there. It's in the ink. It's on the page. It's in the realm of the physical.} - +\begin{ally} +But you save it like this. You save it in a book. You obscure the meaning, but it's there. It's in the ink. It's on the page. It's in the realm of the physical. +\end{ally} That's not the same as sharing. -\ally{It's exactly the same as sharing.} - +\begin{ally} +It's exactly the same as sharing. +\end{ally} And who asked you? -\ally{Who invoked me?} - +\begin{ally} +Who invoked me? +\end{ally} Well played. \vfill diff --git a/book/content/ally/003.tex b/book/content/ally/003.tex index ff88bb6..2127791 100644 --- a/book/content/ally/003.tex +++ b/book/content/ally/003.tex @@ -1,17 +1,21 @@ -\ally{Do you remember when you met me?} - +\begin{ally} +Do you remember when you met me? +\end{ally} When I met you? I don't remember it so much as a meeting as you were just already there. -\ally{I was, yes.} - +\begin{ally} +I was, yes. +\end{ally} After high school, then. That's when you showed up. That's when life began. That's when I started thinking of myself as a person. That's when I started thinking of others as people, with their own motivations, their own desires, their own incentives and failings. -\ally{And you made it through.} - +\begin{ally} +And you made it through. +\end{ally} After a fashion. -\ally{You're here, now. You made it through.} - +\begin{ally} +You're here, now. You made it through. +\end{ally} \begin{verse} \emph{She never wanted to be\\ \vin What she became;\\ @@ -19,18 +23,21 @@ After a fashion. \vin \vin \vin Is not lost on her.} \end{verse} -\ally{Touching.} - +\begin{ally} +Touching. +\end{ally} Hey now, don't be rude. Aren't you supposed to be my ally? -\ally{I \textbf{am} your ally. I'm just not your friend.} - +\begin{ally} +I \textbf{am} your ally. I'm just not your friend. +\end{ally} Fair enough. So you showed up after high school. You showed up after life slid sideways through puberty. I went digging, you know. To find this out. -\ally{Oh?} - +\begin{ally} +Oh? +\end{ally} Yeah. June 2004. There you are. I say, \begin{quotation} @@ -39,36 +46,44 @@ The navy blue I've been seeing at waist level in front of me and to my left is c And you replied\ldots{}? -\ally{You're rambling.} - +\begin{ally} +You're rambling. +\end{ally} So pleased you remember. -\ally{You're rambling.} - +\begin{ally} +You're rambling. +\end{ally} I suppose I am. But there you were. You said \emph{You're rambling} to which I replied ``Guilty, conspirator.'' And that was that. That was us. We never greeted each other. Why would we? I kept digging, too. You stuck around for a year. I saw you off and on until June 2005. In October, 2004, I said that empathy is cooler in person. \emph{Why?} you asked. \emph{So you can verify? Don't you trust your feelings?} I said I didn't know, and then I begged you not to go. -\ally{Everyone always leaves, don't they?} - +\begin{ally} +Everyone always leaves, don't they? +\end{ally} Perhaps. It's good to hear from you again. Even after fourteen years, I've missed you. -\ally{And what was the last thing I said to you?} - +\begin{ally} +And what was the last thing I said to you? +\end{ally} \emph{I was going to call you emo, or suicidal, but no, not goth.} It was when Ash and Shannon and I found a house to move into. -\ally{I believe I also called you a prick.} - +\begin{ally} +I believe I also called you a prick. +\end{ally} Was I? -\ally{Yes.} - +\begin{ally} +Yes. +\end{ally} Am I still? -\ally{Yes, but a different kind.} - +\begin{ally} +Yes, but a different kind. +\end{ally} You're as chipper now as you were then. -\ally{Yes, but a different kind.} - +\begin{ally} +Yes, but a different kind. +\end{ally} \newpage diff --git a/book/content/ally/004.tex b/book/content/ally/004.tex index ac16f80..d4d5601 100644 --- a/book/content/ally/004.tex +++ b/book/content/ally/004.tex @@ -1,107 +1,132 @@ -\ally{Why am I here?} - +\begin{ally} +Why am I here? +\end{ally} Aren't you always? -\ally{With you, sure. Why am I bound to words, though? It's been fourteen years.} - +\begin{ally} +With you, sure. Why am I bound to words, though? It's been fourteen years. +\end{ally} Surely that's not all on me. You must play some role in it. I was talking with my partner about doing something autobiographical for my next project, after all. -\ally{I'm the observer and the mirror. All I can do is reflect your choices back at you. Choice itself is not my department.} - +\begin{ally} +I'm the observer and the mirror. All I can do is reflect your choices back at you. Choice itself is not my department. +\end{ally} After getting \emph{Restless Town} finished, I needed something to do. Some other project that would make me feel like I was being productive. -\ally{Feel, or seem?} - +\begin{ally} +Feel, or seem? +\end{ally} Both. If I sat still, I'd burn up. If I was seen sitting still, clearly I'd be worth less in the eyes of those around me, right? -\ally{Not my department.} - +\begin{ally} +Not my department. +\end{ally} Right. So I started digging through stuff I'd already done, seeing if any of it could be cleaned up and turned into a new project. I stumbled across \emph{Rum and Coke} and found it mostly clean as it was, so I decided to publish it as a book. Paperback and ebook, I mean, not just the stories online. -\ally{Were you proud of them?} - +\begin{ally} +Were you proud of them? +\end{ally} To an extent. A different me wrote them. A lesser me, in some ways. I was younger, I hadn't quite found my voice and tone. No \emph{Arcana}, no \emph{Disappearance}, no \emph{Getting Lost} or \emph{Post-Self}. All I had was a few scattered tidbits and my mom's words ringing in my ears: "You wrote your own wedding vows, right? I could tell." A me with a different identity, too. A me that was working on gender through small steps. I hadn't yet picked up the word 'trans' for myself. I was non-binary, presenting male, writing to justify myself. Or maybe to hype myself up. I was writing works about gender and poly problems being worked through to convince myself it was possible. -\ally{They read like parables.} - +\begin{ally} +They read like parables. +\end{ally} They were, to me. Each one came with an internal discussion after the last line, \emph{now, what can we take from this?} Something in a circle. Socratic. A talking stick. -\ally{I know, I was there.} - +\begin{ally} +I know, I was there. +\end{ally} Of course. -\ally{Why didn't I show up then?} - +\begin{ally} +Why didn't I show up then? +\end{ally} I was too\ldots{}something. Too busy, too preoccupied. I was focused too much on identity, too much on The Work, as it were, to reflect. Maybe I was moving too quickly to notice my choices being shown to me. -\ally{You'd mostly stopped [adjective][species] by then, too.} - +\begin{ally} +You'd mostly stopped [adjective][species] by then, too. +\end{ally} Life got weird. I was transitioning-- -\ally{A choice.} - +\begin{ally} +A choice. +\end{ally} --I was solidifying my relationship with Judith-- -\ally{A choice.} - +\begin{ally} +A choice. +\end{ally} --I was starting to burn out at work-- -\ally{Was that a choice?} - +\begin{ally} +Was that a choice? +\end{ally} The result of choices, maybe. The result of the choice to start drinking. It \emph{is} called \emph{Rum and Coke}, after all. The result of the choice to get into computers. The result of the choice to work from home, which itself was the result of a choice to take the previous job so far from home. -\ally{You burned out in part because you burned so hard at the start.} - +\begin{ally} +You burned out in part because you burned so hard at the start. +\end{ally} Was I not supposed to? I had to prove myself. -\ally{To whom?} - +\begin{ally} +To whom? +\end{ally} You? -\ally{Not my department.} - +\begin{ally} +Not my department. +\end{ally} One of your neighbors, perhaps. A cubicle over, a floor above, something like that. -\ally{Do you anthropomorphize me that much?} - +\begin{ally} +Do you anthropomorphize me that much? +\end{ally} No, I suppose, I don't. You're not my therapist, sitting in a chair across from me and talking me through my problems. You're not person shaped. You're the shape of my hands displaced half an inch behind my own, navy blue and trimmed with sea-foam green. -\ally{You haven't used colors in fourteen years, either.} - +\begin{ally} +You haven't used colors in fourteen years, either. +\end{ally} What I'm trying to say is that maybe you're back because of nostalgia. *Restless Town* was done and couldn't be published yet, and a prideful part of me didn't want it to be my first book, so I pulled *Rum and Coke* into shape. It rubbed my nose in the past. I published it a few weeks ago, and I wasn't done with the past, so I started archiving more data. I dug up my old hard drives. I grabbed stuff from Dreamhost, both files and database backups. I finally unlocked my LJ account and archived that. -\ally{And you work at an archive.} - +\begin{ally} +And you work at an archive. +\end{ally} I go through phases, looking back at the past. I'll spend a few days trying to backdate some log files, or dig through my old scores and publish them --- I did that too, alongside \emph{Rum and Coke}, publish a bunch of my old music --- or resurrect my notes on \emph{Nanon}, or the like. -\ally{You are quite mercurial.} - +\begin{ally} +You are quite mercurial. +\end{ally} A failing. That may play a role in my burnout. I'm only good at something for seven years before it becomes so intolerable that I have to leave. Happened with school. -\ally{So here I am, your ally, twice seven years later.} - +\begin{ally} +So here I am, your ally, twice seven years later. +\end{ally} I hadn't thought of it that way. -\ally{Portentous. The only way it would've been more so is if it were thrice seven years.} - +\begin{ally} +Portentous. The only way it would've been more so is if it were thrice seven years. +\end{ally} I ran away thrice seven years ago. In seventh grade, in 1997, no less. -\ally{Ill omens. What will happen to me in seven years?} - +\begin{ally} +Ill omens. What will happen to me in seven years? +\end{ally} Will you leave me for good? -\ally{Can an ally disinhabit a mind so easily?} - +\begin{ally} +Can an ally disinhabit a mind so easily? +\end{ally} I'm not comfortable with that question. I'm not comfortable with its implications. Either way, the past is important to me because maybe it can help me figure out the present. Those who don't know history are doomed to blah blah blah. -\ally{And have you figured out your present?} - +\begin{ally} +And have you figured out your present? +\end{ally} For me to pull out that trite quote about my own personal history speaks pretty well to my fears of doing things accidentally. I've certainly figured out my present better than twice-seven-years-ago me had figured out his. \newpage diff --git a/book/content/ally/005.tex b/book/content/ally/005.tex index 15f40c1..79c3479 100644 --- a/book/content/ally/005.tex +++ b/book/content/ally/005.tex @@ -2,60 +2,73 @@ When 2007 rolled around, I turned 21. \emph{What if,} I thought to myself. \emph By that point, alcohol was this nebulous thing. I'd roped a few people into getting me alcohol now and then, and it was fine. I'd started brewing and it was whatever. I had beer and it was alright. I went through a mead phase-- -\ally{You went through several.} - +\begin{ally} +You went through several. +\end{ally} --I went through a wine phase, and an absinthe phase-- -\ally{Don't sell yourself short. You wrote an essay on absinthe.} - +\begin{ally} +Don't sell yourself short. You wrote an essay on absinthe. +\end{ally} --and a gin phase. That's the one that got me. I had a bottle of Beefeater's, what was to become my gin of choice, and I had an inch of it poured over ice and I was standing in the kitchen. Such a wide open space. The kitchen at that apartment was larger than my bedroom now, and it opened onto a living room the size of what we have now. I was standing tall in that vast plain of a room, staring down into my glass and watching the way the ice melting into the gin created swirls of two different kinds of transparent. I was thinking how it was probably due to the different ways the two liquids refracted light, and then I was laughing, because I was staring down into my drink like something out of a bar. *What if I decided to see what it feels like to be addicted to something?* I thought. I drank every night that week. -\ally{Why ruin your life on accident when you can do it on purpose?} - +\begin{ally} +Why ruin your life on accident when you can do it on purpose? +\end{ally} I don't think I was thinking in those terms at that point. -\ally{Are you now?} - +\begin{ally} +Are you now? +\end{ally} Perhaps. -\ally{Maybe you're just afraid of doing anything by accident.} - +\begin{ally} +Maybe you're just afraid of doing anything by accident. +\end{ally} Perhaps. -\ally{You're sounding like me more by the day.} - +\begin{ally} +You're sounding like me more by the day. +\end{ally} Learn from the best. -\ally{And so you set about with a will.} - +\begin{ally} +And so you set about with a will. +\end{ally} Like magic. I set forth my will with a stated goal and made it happen. My spell was spoken and washed down with liquor. I drank nearly every day from then on out. I spent thousands of dollars on alcohol over the next ten years. I went through more mead phases and more beer phases. I went through a distillation phase. Magic is empowerment through attention to detail. -\ally{The MEAD principle. Cute.} - +\begin{ally} +The MEAD principle. Cute. +\end{ally} I drank hard with the choir, and then I left school and drank hard with the programmers. If there's one thing that most programmers do better than computers, it's drinking, after all. I did some work at a bar, even. Just making their menu and website for them in exchange for free drinks. -\ally{You mastered \LaTeX that way. A very you thing to do.} - +\begin{ally} +You mastered \LaTeX that way. A very you thing to do. +\end{ally} I did well at it. I still have one of the menus and some of the paper laying around somewhere. I did that until the bartender left and, when I asked for my next payment from the owner, he flipped out at me and threatened to sue me for impersonating him. I don't think I realized Raffi, the bar manager who hired me, was already on his way out. I drank my way out of one job and through a good chunk of another. I drank until I got better at it than I was at software. I drank myself into burnout. I drank until I collapsed. -\ally{You used up your spell slots. You ran out of will. You had to quit by accident.} - +\begin{ally} +You used up your spell slots. You ran out of will. You had to quit by accident. +\end{ally} I worked to quit, I'll have you know. It wasn't easy. It took meds and some rough nights. -\ally{You were less of a person then than you were when you started drinking. The you who started drinking by focusing on \textbf{starting drinking} was more real than the you who collapsed in the kitchen from a PNES and stopped drinking because she was completely empty of intention.} - +\begin{ally} +You were less of a person then than you were when you started drinking. The you who started drinking by focusing on \textbf{starting drinking} was more real than the you who collapsed in the kitchen from a PNES and stopped drinking because she was completely empty of intention. +\end{ally} Should I start the daily drinking again, then? -\ally{You're more of a person now than you were when you started drinking.} - +\begin{ally} +You're more of a person now than you were when you started drinking. +\end{ally} That, coming from you, is a glowing endorsement. -\ally{You may have been more of a person when you started than when you stopped, but you weren't much of one, even then.} - +\begin{ally} +You may have been more of a person when you started than when you stopped, but you weren't much of one, even then. +\end{ally} \newpage diff --git a/book/content/ally/006.tex b/book/content/ally/006.tex index b8a0275..dcab5a2 100644 --- a/book/content/ally/006.tex +++ b/book/content/ally/006.tex @@ -2,8 +2,9 @@ When I was young, back before I knew what mental health entailed, what anxiety a This was before LiveJournal, of course. This was before I was writing on the internet, or even really on the internet at all. This was before you. -\ally{No, it wasn't.} - +\begin{ally} +No, it wasn't. +\end{ally} Right. When I ran away, my dad found my paper journal. I had kept it infrequently, as something about daily journaling to a seventh-grader felt dishonest, stupid. What could I possibly write about? @@ -12,20 +13,24 @@ In the journal, I mentioned on a few occasions that I'd had a mental breakdown. I told him no. I whispered it. I murmured it. I wasn't crazy. I didn't need to go to an asylum. I just felt like time stopped for me and the world around me sped up. I just felt like I was holding on by the barest amount of friction on my fingertips. The whorls of my fingerprints providing my only grasp on reality. -\ally{That was me saying hi.} - +\begin{ally} +That was me saying hi. +\end{ally} Blunt-force greeting? -\ally{I was quiet as a mouse.} - +\begin{ally} +I was quiet as a mouse. +\end{ally} I have the words now. I have the vocabulary. I can say derealization, depersonalization, dissociation. I can say panic attack and anxiety and depression and hypomania. I can say \emph{ah, \textbf{this} is what is happening now}. -\ally{You have emotions now, is what you have. Those were your mental breakdowns.} - +\begin{ally} +You have emotions now, is what you have. Those were your mental breakdowns. +\end{ally} Dad didn't believe in those. Not for boys. \emph{Mood's a thing for cattle and loveplay}, right? Emotions are for women. -\ally{He was half-right.} - +\begin{ally} +He was half-right. +\end{ally} I suppose he was. \newpage diff --git a/book/content/ally/007.tex b/book/content/ally/007.tex index 4135b3a..25c0c2f 100644 --- a/book/content/ally/007.tex +++ b/book/content/ally/007.tex @@ -1,7 +1,8 @@ I think of myself as a trans woman, not a woman. I think of past me as male, not female. To an extent, I think of past me as cisgender. I was a guy. I was that gay guy who tumbled out the other side of puberty and was left to figure out what the fuck. I am not who I was. -\ally{You have ship-of-Theseus'd yourself into what you are.} - +\begin{ally} +You have ship-of-Theseus'd yourself into what you are. +\end{ally} I was not Madison. I am not Matthew. I can't deny his existence, though. He was him, and to erase that, to toe the party line and say I've always known that I was Madison, would do a disservice to him. He got in all those relationships. He loved so hard it hurt. He dreamed of being held. He struggled with the words. @@ -12,22 +13,26 @@ He rode the same crests of hypomania and crashed just as hard after. Once, he tr He was just as mercurial, too. The brewing phase-- -\ally{Phases. Plural.} - +\begin{ally} +Phases. Plural. +\end{ally} --the gun phase, the photography phase and all its subphases: digital, film, cross-processing, rangefinders. -\ally{Yeah, he was a prick.} - +\begin{ally} +Yeah, he was a prick. +\end{ally} You said I still am, but a different kind. -\ally{In all fondness.} - +\begin{ally} +In all fondness. +\end{ally} How kind. All this to say, I have not always known I was trans. To pretend such would be to erase a real, actual person who tried his best more often than not. -\ally{Have you answered Theseus' question?} - +\begin{ally} +Have you answered Theseus' question? +\end{ally} I don't know. \newpage diff --git a/book/content/ally/008.tex b/book/content/ally/008.tex index 3f04b35..9679db0 100644 --- a/book/content/ally/008.tex +++ b/book/content/ally/008.tex @@ -16,7 +16,8 @@ Current mood: Bright blue with a tinge of purple, but mostly off white and hazy. \newpage \null \vfill -\noindent\includegraphics[width=7in]{../static/color/blue_flag.jpg} +% XXX +%\noindent\includegraphics[width=7in]{../static/color/blue_flag.jpg} \vfill \newpage @@ -31,25 +32,29 @@ Greens covering my chest and shoulders warmly are happiness. \end{paracol} \begin{center} -\noindent\includegraphics[width=4in]{../static/color/green_door.jpg} +% XXX +%\noindent\includegraphics[width=4in]{../static/color/green_door.jpg} \end{center} \begin{paracol}{2} \begin{leftcolumn} -\ally{And that's when I showed up, yes?} - +\begin{ally} +And that's when I showed up, yes? +\end{ally} Yeah, later that day. \begin{quotation} The navy blue I've been seeing at waist level in front of me and to my left is contentment. I'm not entirely sure that it being omnipresent is a good thing, however, considering the colors it's mixed with. Am I really content with longing and hopelessness? It's not out of the question, I suppose that it could just be another aspect of my personality. But that just brings up the question of whether or not it's something I ingrained into myself through habit, something where I just kinda accepted that feeling such things is normal, okay, and what I want; or is it something I was born with, or that we're all born with? Is it a side effect of love, expecting impossible desires and the blind hopelessness that follows the end of a four year undertaking? -\ally{Whatever, you're rambling.} - +\begin{ally} +Whatever, you're rambling. +\end{ally} Guilty, conspirator. \end{quotation} -\ally{And these pictures?} - +\begin{ally} +And these pictures? +\end{ally} All from years later. The color thing comes and goes, like you. \end{leftcolumn} \begin{rightcolumn*} @@ -89,24 +94,30 @@ It soothes. Sometimes I'm overcome by the numinous. Sometimes it's colors, sometimes it's you, sometimes it's a silence swelling within my chest, stealing breath. -\ally{He would be riding on the subway or writing formulas on the blackboard or having a meal or (as now) sitting and talking to someone across a table, and it would envelop him like a soundless tsunami.} - +\begin{ally} +He would be riding on the subway or writing formulas on the blackboard or having a meal or (as now) sitting and talking to someone across a table, and it would envelop him like a soundless tsunami. +\end{ally} That's a post-rock song title. -\ally{Is it wrong?} - -\noindent\includegraphics[width=4.35in]{../static/color/orange_eyes.jpg} +\begin{ally} +Is it wrong? +\end{ally} +% XXX +%\noindent\includegraphics[width=4.35in]{../static/color/orange_eyes.jpg} I'll take a picture, lasso a color, and desaturate everything else. Sometimes, it's fun. I do it to Falcon's eyes a lot because they're so pretty. -\ally{And sometimes it's something more.} - +\begin{ally} +And sometimes it's something more. +\end{ally} Yeah. Sometimes it's a compulsion. Sometimes a picture will latch onto me and never let me go. Sometimes I'll remove all color. -\noindent\includegraphics[width=4.35in]{../static/color/bw1.jpg} +% XXX +%\noindent\includegraphics[width=4.35in]{../static/color/bw1.jpg} -\noindent\includegraphics[width=4.35in]{../static/color/bw2.jpg} +% XXX +%\noindent\includegraphics[width=4.35in]{../static/color/bw2.jpg} \newpage @@ -115,7 +126,8 @@ Sometimes I'll blow out the background because the foreground is so completely o \end{paracol} \vfill -\noindent\includegraphics[width=7in]{../static/color/bw3.jpg} +% XXX +%\noindent\includegraphics[width=7in]{../static/color/bw3.jpg} \vfill \newpage @@ -123,7 +135,8 @@ Sometimes I'll blow out the background because the foreground is so completely o Sometimes I'll skew colors all in one direction. \vfill -\noindent\includegraphics[width=7in]{../static/color/window_view.png} +% XXX +%\noindent\includegraphics[width=7in]{../static/color/window_view.png} \vfill \newpage @@ -165,6 +178,7 @@ Unmoving and always changing. A sigil need not just be lines and curves. -\ally{Or maybe it's just mania.} - +\begin{ally} +Or maybe it's just mania. +\end{ally} It may be. diff --git a/book/content/ally/009.tex b/book/content/ally/009.tex index 26d2b40..22ea5a2 100644 --- a/book/content/ally/009.tex +++ b/book/content/ally/009.tex @@ -1,19 +1,23 @@ -\ally{Tell me about mania.} - +\begin{ally} +Tell me about mania. +\end{ally} No. Wait, what? Why are you asking? Weren't you there? -\ally{I was. I\ldots{}am?} - +\begin{ally} +I was. I\ldots{}am? +\end{ally} I don't think I'm hypomanic now. On my way, perhaps. I can't sleep. -\ally{I may be, then. Tell me about mania.} - +\begin{ally} +I may be, then. Tell me about mania. +\end{ally} No, tell me why you're asking. -\ally{I'm more of a liminal creature, myself. It's hard to keep an ally around when depression slowly shuts down avenue after avenue of reaching one. You, as a reflection of me, become distorted while manic. Fun-house mirrors and blind-spots. I want to hear about it.} - +\begin{ally} +I'm more of a liminal creature, myself. It's hard to keep an ally around when depression slowly shuts down avenue after avenue of reaching one. You, as a reflection of me, become distorted while manic. Fun-house mirrors and blind-spots. I want to hear about it. +\end{ally} No. Later. @@ -22,20 +26,25 @@ I took a sleep aid. I'm not getting into this now. I was all prepped to write ab Read what I've already written. % birds -\ally{I was there when you wrote those.} - +\begin{ally} +I was there when you wrote those. +\end{ally} So? Does that not clarify it? -\ally{Will anything?} - +\begin{ally} +Will anything? +\end{ally} Likely not. I will say, though, that I missed some stuff in my investigation earlier. You did come back for three brief days in November, 2013. It was at a liminal time, but you didn't stick around. -\ally{I'll remind you that you ignored me for one of those posts.} - +\begin{ally} +I'll remind you that you ignored me for one of those posts. +\end{ally} Point. Let's get into mania later. We owe each other that. For now, bed. And tomorrow, something a little less harrowing. -\ally{Ah yes. Polyamory. Known for being easy peasy, lemon squeezy.} +\begin{ally} +Ah yes. Polyamory. Known for being easy peasy, lemon squeezy. +\end{ally} diff --git a/book/content/ally/010.tex b/book/content/ally/010.tex index 038ab12..aa22996 100644 --- a/book/content/ally/010.tex +++ b/book/content/ally/010.tex @@ -1,32 +1,39 @@ The first time I remember thinking about polyamory-- -\ally{And here I was hoping you'd cave and talk more about mania.} - +\begin{ally} +And here I was hoping you'd cave and talk more about mania. +\end{ally} Why are you so hung up on that? I told you I wouldn't, and you seemed to accept that. -\ally{`Seemed to'? `Accept'? Are those things something like me can do?} - +\begin{ally} +`Seemed to'? `Accept'? Are those things something like me can do? +\end{ally} Well, if \emph{I} can\ldots{} -\ally{Conceded. No mania, then?} - +\begin{ally} +Conceded. No mania, then? +\end{ally} It's not a comfortable topic. -\ally{Granted. Tell me why, at least.} - -It's not a good feeling. Not from the inside, not from the outside. From the inside I've only caught glimpses of it, even. Glimpses caught through the haze of medication or withdrawal or the mass of ineffable ecstasy comes crashing down upon me. I get all wrapped up in hypomania. Something less. Something just beneath. That thin meniscus between this world and...something else. +\begin{ally} +Granted. Tell me why, at least. +\end{ally} +It's not a good feeling. Not from the inside, not from the outside. From the inside I've only caught glimpses of it, even. Glimpses caught through the haze of medication or withdrawal or the mass of ineffable ecstasy comes crashing down upon me. I get all wrapped up in hypomania. Something less. Something just beneath. That thin meniscus between this world and\ldots{}something else. But in others I've watched --- in some cases, been caught up in --- the frenzy as their world slowly slides out of alignment with consensus reality. They turn from\ldots{} -\ally{What?} - +\begin{ally} +What? +\end{ally} You got me talking about it. -\ally{I'm pleased you think so highly of me.} - +\begin{ally} +I'm pleased you think so highly of me. +\end{ally} I \emph{will} talk about it. It's not off the table. I just need something not that for a bit. -\ally{To poly?} - +\begin{ally} +To poly? +\end{ally} To poly. \newpage diff --git a/book/content/ally/011.tex b/book/content/ally/011.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..a4ee37a --- /dev/null +++ b/book/content/ally/011.tex @@ -0,0 +1,8 @@ +\null +\vfill +\begin{ally} +Let's talk about mania. +\end{ally} +Fine. +\vfill +\newpage diff --git a/book/content/ally/012.tex b/book/content/ally/012.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..3fbddec --- /dev/null +++ b/book/content/ally/012.tex @@ -0,0 +1,7 @@ +\null +\vfill +\begin{ally} +Thank you. +\end{ally} +\vfill +\newpage diff --git a/book/content/ally/013.tex b/book/content/ally/013.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d23dfc9 --- /dev/null +++ b/book/content/ally/013.tex @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +\null +\vfill +Can we talk about something else? Please? + +\begin{ally} +Something lighter? +\end{ally} + +Something softer. +\vfill +\newpage diff --git a/book/content/ally/015.tex b/book/content/ally/015.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..ac9b90f --- /dev/null +++ b/book/content/ally/015.tex @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ +\null +\vfill +And so we find ourselves in a place between. +\vfill +\newpage diff --git a/book/content/ally/016.tex b/book/content/ally/016.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..b52a177 --- /dev/null +++ b/book/content/ally/016.tex @@ -0,0 +1,13 @@ +\null +\vfill +\begin{ally} +Do you feel better, now? +\end{ally} + +Not really. Just a different kind of melancholy. + +\begin{ally} +Ain't that just the way of things? +\end{ally} +\vfill +\newpage diff --git a/book/content/burnout.tex b/book/content/burnout.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..7319cca --- /dev/null +++ b/book/content/burnout.tex @@ -0,0 +1,209 @@ +How did I get here? + +\begin{ally} +How did you get where? +\end{ally} +How did I get here? How did I get to the point where I loathe my job? How did I get to the point where I loathe my life, but mostly only when I'm working? + +\begin{ally} +Start from the beginning. +\end{ally} +Which beginning? + +\begin{ally} +Madison's beginning. For this, I don't think you need to go any further back for any reason other than to confirm what you already know. Or perhaps just a bit before. Start with the insurance company. +\end{ally} +What, working with Kevin? + +\begin{ally} +Yes. Start from there. +\end{ally} +In 2011, I graduated --- or, well, left --- university and jumped straight into a job doing software for a subsidiary of a subsidiary of a company that made software for health insurance companies. I had a whole weekend off. + +It was thrilling, in a away, to be seen as competent at something. It was nice to be able to drive to an office, sit down at a computer, type away for a few hours, drive home, and then see money in my bank account after the fact, knowing that I had done something that was useful. + +\begin{ally} +Were you not doing anything useful before? You were working, you were at school. You were getting paid. +\end{ally} +I was. But even when I looked at that money in my bank account, I couldn't then count it out and say, "Ah, yes, this was earned creating something." Work was spent living on the edge of failure, trying to push it back just one step further. That's the curse of IT. + +\begin{ally} +And school? You were creating something there. +\end{ally} +And paying a pretty penny for the privilege to do so. + +\begin{ally} +Right. +\end{ally} +But this was something new, I was given a list of things that they wanted to be able to do and given basically total freedom to pull that off. I was put in front of their raw materials and, when I showed them progressively more and more refined creations, they all stood back and applauded, and I could bow and say that I had created something for them. + +\begin{ally} +And then? +\end{ally} +And then\ldots{}well, I don't know. And then the tasks got smaller and smaller, and the clients grumpier and grumpier about more and more inconsequential things. They needed twice as many new features done in half the time and could we work the weekends? After all, they had their QA people sleeping in the office in cots in the bathrooms. Shouldn't we do the same? + +At some point that must have changed, but it all changed so gradually as to not be noticeable. + +\begin{ally} +And then you started to see how capitalism worked, perhaps? That you weren't doing this because it was fun or because you were good at it, even if it was and you might have been, but because you had to. +\end{ally} +I think that may be getting a bit ahead of the game, but in a way, I suppose so. I started to see that it was very easy to use up all of one's spell slots. I started to see just what purpose free time had in one's life. I started to talk about work-life balance and to schedule vacation time that wasn't simply holidays and to dream about the office. + +\newpage + +\begin{ally} +At what point would you say you burned out? +\end{ally} +That's one of those surprisingly difficult questions. I can't point to a day or week when things went bad, nor even a month. At some point, I just looked around me, at my office and my coworkers and my job and said, "I hate all of this." + +\begin{ally} +When did you notice it, then? +\end{ally} +Does when I tried to kill myself" count? + +\begin{ally} +Not my department. +\end{ally} +I spent a lot of time trying to fix it. I spent a lot of time changing little bits about my day or my desk or my tasks, and there was just not much that could put a dent into that mixture of loathing and anxiety that surrounded my day. + +\begin{ally} +And eventually, you just dumped the whole thing in favor of something else. +\end{ally} +Yes. + +\begin{ally} +Did it work? +\end{ally} +Oh, definitely. I jumped at the opportunity to stop working for an insurance company that just happened to need some software and to start working for a software company with a name that folks knew making products that I believed in. + +Moving to Canonical came on such a whim, too. I met up with John Wright --- such a nice man --- at Mayor of Old Town and we talked over pints about the good and the bad of our respective jobs. + +"I've been thinking about applying at Canonical," he said, twisting his glass between his hands. "I'm not unhappy at where I am, I'm just\ldots{}not happy either." + +I nodded, and made silent note to check out their postings later that night. + +\begin{ally} +Did you wind up stealing John's idea? +\end{ally} +Oh, totally. I apologized to him after the fact, too, for taking his idea and actually winding up with the job. He laughed and said that he didn't think he'd be able to work from home anyway. + +\begin{ally} +Whereas that saved you. +\end{ally} +Yes. + +In a way. + +For a while. + +\newpage + +I could very easily get into talking about the ins and outs of working at Canonical and in software, but I don't think that's the point. + +\begin{ally} +No, it's not. +\end{ally} +No. The point is that, slowly, quietly, without me even noticing, I started hating what I do for a living. It snuck up on me once more. I once more found myself in a paralyzing mixture of anxiety and dread and anger. Every minute spent in front of my editor was spent filled with anger and frustration at not being able to work, and every minute spent away from it was spent dreading the next time I'd have to go back, fretting over how little I had gotten done. + +I spent day after day on branches that should have been small and yet somehow, inexplicably, seemed insurmountable. Coworkers and bosses got upset at me. I did all I could to keep interested and invested in the company. + +\begin{ally} +Even as you drifted your separate ways? Canonical stopped doing things that were relevant to you before you even moved to Seattle. They started focusing on things you didn't believe in. They laid off dozens of your coworkers. They started courting Microsoft. +\end{ally} +Sure, I suppose. There's no doubt that Canonical was changing. They were certainly not blameless in me losing my interest and investment in them. + +\begin{ally} +And from what JC says, you would hate them now. +\end{ally} +I would, yes. + +\begin{ally} +And yet here you speak only of yourself. Only of your failures. +\end{ally} +Is this not a selfish project? I think that it's fair to just talk about how I feel when I talk about burnout. + +\begin{ally} +Burnout does not happen in a vacuum. +\end{ally} +I hardly believe that the things that Canonical was doing were so new as to be causing my burnout. They were doing as tech companies do. They were doing everything they could to maintain the same amount of velocity they had at the beginnings of projects later on. They were trying to change with the times while remaining exactly the same. + +Perhaps it was just the honeymoon period finally coming to an end. + +\newpage + +\begin{ally} +The third time was not the charm. +\end{ally} +No, it was not. Canonical stopped doing something I believed in, so I switched to a company --- Internet Archive --- that \emph{was} doing something that I believed in, but the process was crap. Now, here I am at a company that's got a great process and is doing something that I really believe in it, and\ldots{} + +\begin{ally} +And you hate it. +\end{ally} +I hate my career. I don't hate my company. I love them. They're great people doing great things and doing them well. I just can't stand programming anymore. + +\begin{ally} +I don't believe you. +\end{ally} +You don't? + +\begin{ally} +I don't. You, who have at least two open programming projects you poke at with some regularity. +\end{ally} +I suppose I do, yeah. + +\begin{ally} +So what do you hate, if you don't hate programming? +\end{ally} +It's not work. I don't hate working. + +It's not programming, you're right there. I still love the idea of making something that does what I tell it. + +It's not computers, even if I'm a bit ambivalent on them. + +It's\ldots{}well, I definitely hate devops. + +\begin{ally} +Why? +\end{ally} +It feels\ldots{}messy. It feels like I'm doing all I can to drag these ephemeral things into line, and none of them want to do it. It feels like all these people have grandiose ideas about what goes into running a system, and none of them agree with each other, and all we can do is to pick the least-bad one. + +It destroys this idea that computers are a thing that you can ask to do something, and they can do it. There are more non-deterministic bugs in devops than in any other area of dealing with computers than I've experienced. + +It makes me want to take up Haskell. + +\begin{ally} +All very sensible. +\end{ally} +If such a thing can be said of it. + +\begin{ally} +Is that why you're burnt out, then? +\end{ally} +No. + +\begin{ally} +Then why? +\end{ally} +I don't know. + +Perhaps I'm only good for seven years at a time, like I said. + +\begin{ally} +Did you burn out on music? +\end{ally} +I would say that I was burnt, but I placed that on the performers at my recital. + +\begin{ally} +Had your recital gone perfectly, would you still have felt burned out, though? +\end{ally} +Perhaps. + +\begin{ally} +Would you still have gone into computers? +\end{ally} +Definitely. + +\begin{ally} +Would you still be composing? +\end{ally} +I don't know. diff --git a/book/content/dad.tex b/book/content/dad.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..0faa5d0 --- /dev/null +++ b/book/content/dad.tex @@ -0,0 +1,1014 @@ +\end{leftcolumn} +\end{paracol} + +\begin{paracol}{2} +\begin{leftcolumn} +It's not about the dress. + +It's about that whole point in my life. It's about the way home ways. It's about the way I was left to my own devices. Every kid's dream, right? + +I had no father. I had the angry, drunken man who lived upstairs. I have the man who woke me in the morning to drive me to school, who clearly showed up at some point during the night. I had this unpredictable animal living in the house that I had to please, and there were no rules for what would or wouldn't please him. + +I was left to my own devices and there was always something that I needed to be doing and doing correctly, and I was never sure what it was. Do good in school, sure. Grow up to become an imortant engineer of some kind, sure. The details in between, though, were hazy. + +\begin{ally} +The rules are made up and you're always in trouble. +\end{ally} +Or about to be, yes. + +\begin{ally} +You know now that he was flailing at life as much as you are now. +\end{ally} +I do. + +\begin{ally} +You know now that he was actually in quite a bit of pain. +\end{ally} +Yes. + +I also know that he would close out the bar that Julie worked out, drinking the whole time. + +I know that if I went with, I'd spent countless hours meandering between the corner booth in the bar and the Pac-Man and Millipede cabinets up front. + +\begin{ally} +The owners of the restaurant would dote on you. They would give you free kitsch from the glass case by the register. Little sticky-backed calenders with tear-off months and pens to draw on the backs of the pages. They'd let you pick out the licorice breathmints from the brass bowl by the register, the ones shaped like chalky pillows. They'd let you play hide-and-seek with Kevin, the other kid being raised in the bar by a drunken father. +\end{ally} +I know that he and Julie had bowling league on Saturdays and I was left home alone. + +I know that if I went with, I'd be fed quarters in a steady stream to spend time in the arcade room or on the little toy vending machines. + +\begin{ally} +You would buy the little plastic snakes made from links that would let you bend them into squares and cubes. You would drink coke after coke. You would wonder how they managed to oil the lanes so perfectly up to the foul line and no further, and when you saw the machine that did so, you were entranced by its single-minded, track-bound life. You watched him sing Devo's \textbf{I'm Too Sexy} for karaoke, mincing about on the stage and producing gales of laughter in his parody of what he knew of gay culture. You were just starting to think of yourself that way. +\end{ally} +It was a spear through my heart. + +\begin{ally} +Tell me about the dress. +\end{ally} +Left to my own devices, I prowled the house. + +I stole a beer. I stole some Kahlua. I stole a little bit of brandy, but I hated it. I stole some of his pot. I stole a condom. + +\begin{ally} +He was so angry about that. He grilled you and you denied it. +\end{ally} +I realize, later, that the reason he was so angry was because, if I didn't steal it, it would've meant that Julie was cheating on him. + +\begin{ally} +Tell me about the dress. +\end{ally} +I stole a paring knife and obsessively sharpened it. I cut at my wrists until, confronted with the realization that I would be asked about it, I stopped and cut on my big toes instead. + +\begin{ally} +You told your friend, Julene. She had no idea what to do, confronted with such information. You were eleven. +\end{ally} +What does one say to being told that your friend is self-harming? I would never tell anyone about self harm again, I promised myself. + +\begin{ally} +Tell me about the dress. +\end{ally} +I tried on Julie's dress. I tried on her teddy. I prowled, naked, through her rack of clothing in the spare room for things to try on. I spent a lot of time naked. I spent a lot of time masturbating. I wondered if I was gay because I tried on her clothing, or I tried on her clothing because I was gay. + +\begin{ally} +You told your friends confidently in third grade that lesbians were just women who wanted to be men and that gay men were just men who wanted to be women. +\end{ally} +Matthew said those things, but he had been dying since birth. + +\begin{ally} +Tell me about the dress. +\end{ally} +I tried on Julie's clothes with a mixture of guilt and shame. It was titillating and humiliating. It was transgressive. At some point, I figured that, the ontology of being gay aside, I had better get used to wearing such, as that's just what gay men did. + +\begin{ally} +Your anger is cooling down. +\end{ally} +Yeah, it is. I can't tell if it's you shifting it away from my dad and onto the dress, or if it's just getting the words out there that's helping so much. + +\begin{ally} +Dig deeper. +\end{ally} +\newpage + +The thing I like to say about my dad is that he didn't really want a son, he wanted a buddy. He wanted someone he could be smart with, or, failing that, be smart at. He wanted someone he could chill with and, at the end of the day, go home. + +\begin{ally} +He wanted someone he could drink with. Someone he could take to the bar. +\end{ally} +Yes. He seemed fundamentally uncomfortable with the fact that I was his offspring. + +It wasn't an always thing, of course. There were a few times we really connected. + +\begin{ally} +Yes. +\end{ally} +One time, we taped up glow in the dark stars on my bedroom ceiling and walls to make my bedroom into a night sky when the lights were out. + +\begin{ally} +Yes. +\end{ally} +One time, when driving you to school on a snowy morning, there was an accident far ahead and traffic was stopped on Highway 93, and I had to pee so bad, he had me just step out of the car and pee, blocked off by the door with my back to the car behind me. Traffic started moving then and I had to walk awkwardly to finish peeing before I could hop back inside the moving truck. We laughed. On days we knew we'd be late because of weather, we'd grab french toast sticks from Burger King. + +\begin{ally} +Yes. +\end{ally} +One time, we lay on our backs on a beach at Lake Powell and stared up at the real night sky and talked about the satelites that went overhead. We would try to guess, based on how fast they moved, whether we were seeing the same ones again later. He talked of his sisters, Patty and Sue, and how they were doing. He talked of his brother, Joe. He told me Joe was the trouble kid, how he got caught on PCP once and when grandma brought him home from the police station, he missed the door to the house entirely and walked into the door jamb and fell down laughing. Grandma kicked at him, cursing up a storm. He told me about his dad, blowing up an inner tube and floating out into the middle of the pond with a six pack or a bottle of liquor and drinking as he looked up at these very same stars, floating on his back. About how sometimes, his dad would fall asleep out there and grandma would have to throw rocks at him to wake him up the next morning so he could paddle back ashore and get to work. + +\begin{ally} +One time, after you switched majors from biochem to music education, you went skiing with him, but had an upset stomach, so you stopped to buy some Alka-Seltzer tablets. You asked what kept them from fizzing until they were dropped in water, and he started to explain about buffers, then cut himself short and said coldly, ``But you won't learn about that, now. I don't expect you really want to know.'' He had you ski alone the rest of the afternoon. +\end{ally} +Yes. + +\begin{ally} +One time, you told your best friend in the area, Joseph, that you had rode your bike to the mall, Villa Italia, God rest its weary soul, and bought magic cards. He mentioned that while out with you and your dad, and your dad fell behind a few steps and kicked you. You rode home in silence. Joseph refused to ride with you again. +\end{ally} +Yes. + +\begin{ally} +One time, you kissed him on the cheek after he hugged you good night and he laughed in your face. ``You thought I was your mom, didn't you?'' he said, then got up and left the room, shutting the door behind him. You thought, years later, decades later, that he really meant to say, ``You thought I was your parent, didn't you? Best buds don't kiss.'' You never kissed him again, and he never kissed you at all. +\end{ally} +Yes. + +\begin{ally} +When teaching you to read with the book Hop on Pop by Dr.~Seuss, he jokingly warned you never to actually hop on him or he'd kick you from one side of the house over the roof to the other, and then back again. Joking, of course, but you were already so terrified of him you believed every word. +\end{ally} +He said the same during our one talk on sex. That if I ever got a girl pregnant and didn't use a condom, he'd do it five times and then leave me on my own to be a dad. + +He raised me, but the definition of `raise' here is a very elastic one. + +\begin{ally} +Dig deeper. +\end{ally} +\newpage + +The one thing we did together that we both seemed to earnestly enjoy was skiing. + +\begin{ally} +There were other things you enjoyed. +\end{ally} +Together? + +\begin{ally} +Reading, perhaps? +\end{ally} +He tried to get me to read \emph{Flowers for Algernon}, but I wound up skimming parts, enough to keep him happy when he asked me about them, all while reading the copy of \emph{Mossflower} I'd hidden down the back of the couch. The closest we got was reading \emph{The Dark Tower}. + +\begin{ally} +Catch? +\end{ally} +One-sided and short-lived. We played a few times. Then, after telling me to ``get under'' a fly ball, it hit me square on the forehead and he laughed, telling me I was supposed to get my glove up, too. We never played again. + +\begin{ally} +The dogs? +\end{ally} +Dad used to punish the dogs by locking then in the basement. If he was really mad, he'd toss then down the stairs by the scruff. + +\begin{ally} +School? Math? Computers? Being smart? +\end{ally} +Listen. + +You have to understand that there were only two valid emotions for my dad: pride and anger. Being good at computers and math was not something that was enjoyable in its own right. Not for the both of us. The part that we shared there was that we had to have something we could declaim about. Something we could pull out and show that we might be proud of it. + +\begin{ally} +So you went skiing, because you both were about the same level at that. +\end{ally} +I bounced, he didn't. + +\begin{ally} +That's a factor of your age and size. I don't think you actually bounce all that well. +\end{ally} +Fair. + +You're right, though. We went skiing together because that was just sort of the thing we enjoyed --- for different reasons, I'm sure --- and it just so happened that we enjoyed doing it around each other, too. + +There would be mishaps, of course. Forgetting boots or poles was a big one. I forgot my poles once and thought I'd be found, dead, in the woods later that day. We wound up renting a pair. From then on, I was determined to learn how to ski without them. + +\begin{ally} +It turned out to be fun, at least. +\end{ally} +Yes. + +We fell into a habit. Go skiing every other weekend, since that was my time staying with him, from late fall to mid spring. We'd make the drive from the suburbs west of Denver up into the mountains. We'd hit Winter Park, our favorite, or we'd maybe run over to Arapahoe Basin or Loveland Pass. + +We'd ski from nine in the morning until about three in the afternoon. We'd grab lunch. Dad would grab `beer-thirty' a little bit after that and let me do a few runs on my own while he chatted up a bartender. + +\begin{ally} +You would get the buffalo green chili every lunch, when you wound up at Winter Park. At Loveland, it would be the build-your-own pizzas. It was all so routine. +\end{ally} +It was the most comfortably routine thing that we did together. Not even school could top that. + +\begin{ally} +It was, above all, pleasant. +\end{ally} +At times. + +\begin{ally} +Yes. +\end{ally} +At times it was stressful. At times it felt like we were going skiing so that my dad could take some time away from home, away from Julie. At times, when Julie came with us, it would be more stressful on the slopes than it was at home. + +And then it fell apart. + +\begin{ally} +Yes, +\end{ally} +There's no one time I could point to and say, ``Ah-hah, \emph{this} is when things fell apart.'' There were a few indicators, to be sure, but no one single instance. + +There was only that last ski trip to Steamboat. + +\begin{ally} +When? +\end{ally} +My birthday. + +\begin{ally} +Which? +\end{ally} +I don't even remember. Middle school? Freshman year of high school? + +\begin{ally} +Had life started yet? +\end{ally} +It must have. It must have been high school, then. It must have been spring break. It must have been, because I could drive, then. Dad made me take my turn driving his new truck while he sat in the passenger seat and drank glumly. Tecate after Tecate. Julie sat in the back and stayed quiet. Even then the cracks were showing in their relationship. + +\begin{ally} +It started snowing on the drive. +\end{ally} +Yes. + +\begin{ally} +You drove a fraction of an inch too close to the shoulder, your right wheel veered from the dark tracks plowed through the thin layer of snow by the car in front of you. He shouted, ``Pull over at the next exit, if you're going to drive like that. Snow could cause too much drag on the tires and drag us off the road.'' +\end{ally} +Yes. + +\begin{ally} +He was drunk and in pain. His shoulder again. He yelled at Julie. Told you both to let him drive in silence. +\end{ally} +Yes. + +\begin{ally} +When you got to the condo that you'd rented. He took four or five advil with a Corona, apologized sullenly, and went to go lay down. +\end{ally} +I don't remember any of the rest of the trip. All I remember is that we watched \emph{Fellowship of the Ring} and that, at one point on the drive back, I asked a question about angular momentum. + +\begin{ally} +You wanted to promise him, visibly, that you were still smart. You wanted to appeal to him in a way that you knew he'd take well. +\end{ally} +I wanted him to be okay with me. + +\begin{ally} +Dig deeper. +\end{ally} +\newpage + +Suicide + +If life started in high school, if that was birth, then running away was conception. + +\begin{ally} +It was the first sign you gave that you might have a claim of ownership over yourself. +\end{ally} +Is it alright if I include something I wrote about it a long time ago? + +\begin{ally} +Maybe. +\end{ally} +Will you feel left out? + +\begin{ally} +Maybe. Will you? +\end{ally} +I guess. + +June 10, 2015: + +% TODO +% \href{https://drab-makyo.com/commissions/by-artist/grey/grey--running-away-small--makyo--G.jpg}{\includegraphics{https://drab-makyo.com/commissions/by-artist/grey/grey--running-away-small--makyo--G.jpg}}\\ +% Art by Grey White. + +I think we all have a lot of formative moments in our lives. For me, it was stuff like coming out, the realization of my own mortality, the suicide attempt, and so on. I think that they tend to fall into two basic categories: those which affect us consciously, which we think about from day to day, with enough frequency to say `often'; and those which affect us more subconsciously, where we can go years or decades without really thinking about them, and yet they still inform so many of your actions. + +Running away spent a lot of time in the subconscious camp, quietly informing several aspects of how I viewed myself and how I viewed the world around me. It was only recently, in the last year or so, that it's come to the forefront, thanks largely to recent discussions with friends, family, and therapists. It's only through that process that I've come to realize just how formative an event it really was. + +In 1997, at eleven years old, I switched from living with my mom full time to living with my dad full time. My parents had divorced at some point early in my childhood, when I was too young to remember, and I grew up knowing nothing else. + +The switch was part of a way to make sure that I grew up to be a balanced person. Having spent so much of my childhood in my mom's household, it was time for me to spend more time with my dad than the schedule that we had maintained until then, Wednesday nights and every other weekend. The move was set for the time when I would be switching schools, anyway -- I had just left fifth grade, and that was the time when middle school started in Boulder county. + +I remember feeling a mix of excitement and apprehension as the date neared for the switch. On the one hand, it was exciting to be able to spend more time with my dad, who had always been keen on doing things with me that were fun. We'd go skiing, boating, spend a day trying to make the best paper airplanes, learn how to use the computer. On the other, though, I was apprehensive that I would be spending more time with my dad, who had always been somewhat distant, spending much of his time at the bar where my stepmother worked as a bartender, caring more about the grades that I brought home than my experience in school. In some senses, we were in line with each other and our expectations of what a parent-child relationship should be, and in others, we found ourselves at odds. + +Even so, things wound up working out alright for sixth grade. I moved in with my dad, and moved to a new school. I had to spend one more year in elementary school, as Jefferson county didn't start junior high until seventh grade, but it served me well. I wound up in a `gifted and talented' program at the school due to how well I did at my previous school, and found the work to be both more engaging and more intense. My grades started to drop, I started to get bouts of depression and anxiety. At one point, I forged my parents' signatures on my \emph{Friday Folder}, which was supposed to be a weekly communication between my parents and my teacher, leading to a few weeks of being in trouble with both my dad and my mom. + +Even so, although I was beginning to struggle for the first time in my life, I did my best to please my dad and maintain the enjoyable, if enigmatic, relationship that we had had up until then. I missed my mom, to be sure, having spent so much of my life until then living primarily with her, but I still felt like I could do well enough and excel in school living with my dad. + +\begin{ally} +There is much to talk about. +\end{ally} +Should I stop? + +\begin{ally} +No, carry on for now. +\end{ally} +I don't remember much about my summer between sixth and seventh grades, other than I had almost certainly gone back to the summer camp that I had gone to every summer before. I remember that this was the first time I started really enjoying writing. After leaving school for the summer, a friend and I had exchanged addresses and promised to write each other a letter over the summer. I don't remember if we actually did, but those drafts of letters turned into my first attempt at journalling, which would lead me to writing stuff like this -- putting my introspection down in words. + +In the fall of 1998, I began seventh grade at junior high, one of those transitions where students go from being the oldest kids in school to the youngest. I figured that school would be similar, that it would be as though class had picked up where it had left off. + +It didn't. + +Junior high and middle school is when they start introducing separate teachers for separate subjects, rather than a single teacher for core curriculum and separate teachers only for specialized subjects such as art, music, and physical education. This threw me for a loop, at first, and I wasn't really sure why until I started digging back into my past over the last few years. What had started happening as puberty continued to roar through me is that depressive and anxious tendencies really started to take root. I would start fearing math class, rather than the subject of math with a familiar teacher, start worrying about the fact that band was mixed-grade and I would be pitted against eighth graders. + +As a pre-teen, I had no idea what anxiety, panic, and depression were. I thought I was going crazy. My journals at the time were filled with fretting that I was having `psychotic episodes' and wondering when these increasingly common attacks would become the new normal and coherent thought the brief rays of sunshine. + +At the same time, I remember life getting harder for my dad. Things were happening at work -- bad things -- and while I can't remember if it was that I had become more receptive to this or there had been actual changes, the perceived shift in my dad's mood started to wear on me. Over the summer, he had announced that I was grown-up enough to stay home while he went to the bar for the evening. I'd get home at four or so, and dad would get home at nine or ten at night, having sussed out many of his problems of the day at work. I'd be in bed, or maybe we'd watch Deep Space Nine, and then we'd both go to bed. + +\begin{ally} +Do you remember it being this way? +\end{ally} +I don't. Or maybe I do, but the time since when I wrote this has colored my interpretation of it. + +\begin{ally} +You sound upset, now. Back when you wrote this, you just sounded weary. +\end{ally} +I suppose I was. I was weary in general, then. I was writing this from a tired, point of view. I was the caryatid. I was tired. + +\begin{ally} +You are still. +\end{ally} +I've learned to bear the load a little better. + +In junior high, report cards came quarterly. My first one came sometime in October. It was not good. + +My dad had become increasingly harsh on the topic of grades over the previous few weeks. Parent teacher conferences had not gone well at all, with my math teacher having particularly harsh things to say about me. I don't even remember on what day of the week this happened, though I want to say Thursday. Dad came home for long enough to make us both dinner before he would head out to the bar. Although neither of us mentioned the fact that my poor grades were in my backpack, he must've known what the date had signified, as, before he left, he said something to the effect of, ``When I get back home from seeing Julie, you'll show me your report card.'' + +I didn't know what to do. Kill myself? I'd tried half-heartedly in the past. I collected the knife I'd stolen and kept in my desk. It was too dull. I had found a mirror from a makeup compact some days before, and I broke the glass, thinking I could use a piece of that instead, but couldn't manage to get any of the shards of glass actually out of the compact, and as time drew on, I felt less and less like actually dying, as opposed to simply ceasing to be. +\newpage + +Suicide + +\begin{ally} +Hold on. +\end{ally} +Yes? + +\begin{ally} +Let's take a step back. +\end{ally} +Okay. + +\begin{ally} +You're about to mix the clinical with the reality. +\end{ally} +I know. You know that. We wrote this story. + +\begin{ally} +Yes. +\end{ally} +Are you having doubts as to posting it? + +\begin{ally} +Yes. And here is where you start mixing the clinical with the experiential. +\end{ally} +There is one story, but there are two ways to tell it. + +\begin{ally} +Can we retell it? +\end{ally} +The whole thing? + +\begin{ally} +No.~You don't have to go back and change what you wrote before, at least not the preceding paragraphs. But we need to make this ours now. +\end{ally} +Is the rest not good? + +\begin{ally} +It's all perfectly serviceable. It's all perfectly you-in-2015. +\end{ally} +That it is. I wasn't quite so heavy with the lilac scent on my words in those days. + +\begin{ally} +It still gets a little purple. +\end{ally} +I guess. + +\begin{ally} +Let's cut a deal, then. +\end{ally} +Oh? You want to edit it? + +\begin{ally} +You want to edit it. You want to make it more relevant. You want to make it more 2019. You want to make it fit. You want to understand, not just regurgitate. +\end{ally} +Okay, fair. + +\begin{ally} +Let me talk about the clinical side. You go back to the other version of the story. +\end{ally} +Okay. + +\begin{ally} +What was happening at this point, is that you were having an honest to goodness panic attack. You were entering a fugue state. +\end{ally} +I froze for several minutes, probably about an hour, sitting on my bed and holding a broken mirror in my hands. All thoughts had left me, and all I could think about was not being. Not being here, not being at all. + +Having decided not to kill myself, I put on a hoodie, went up stairs and emptied the quarter jar of quarters, left the broken mirror on the counter, and grabbed my bike. I had no idea what I would do, where I would go. I just knew that I needed out of there. That place wasn't a place I could be. + +Still in a trance, I made my way to what I assumed would be a safe space to hide out for a while, long enough for my dad to not be out looking for me. I don't know why that was something I was thinking of, but it was. I rode my bike to the nearby Wal-Mart, and hid behind it, where the semi trailers were parked. I hid between two storage containers in the back, the stars invisible to me due to the bright lights of the parking lot, and yet the shadows were such that I remained in total darkness. + +\begin{ally} +You needed to get away. You needed to not be there. You didn't have the language to explain panic, and you didn't understand the importance of escape. +\end{ally} +Yeah. How could I have? No one had thought to teach me. + +\begin{ally} +You had boundaries for what you felt were healthy means of interaction, and no means to communicate when they had been crossed. You had been slogging through anxiety with no way to explain to yourself or others what anxiety was, and you had crossed the point where you could continue to exist in that state. +\end{ally} +The only solution was escape. Escaping into an internal world had worked until my dad demanded to see the report card, and escape by death hadn't panned out. The only route left to me was literally escaping the situation. + +As the night wore on and the clock struck nine, I realized that I couldn't stay behind the Wal-Mart forever. I'd need some place to go. With only my bike, my hoodie, and five dollars in quarters, I biked the four miles from where I had been camped to the nearest bus station serving the route that would take me back to Boulder. I had no plans beyond getting to Boulder, other than I figured I could be homeless there in relative safety. + +\begin{ally} +That's where you spent the coldest night of your life. +\end{ally} +The last bus to Boulder had already left, and so I was left on my own from about eleven that night until nearly six in the morning. I slept off and on on the bench in the bus-stop shelter. I hadn't brought my bike lock with me, so I kept my bike leaning against the bench where I was dozing. I eventually got too paranoid and tied the sleeve of my hoodie around the top bar of the bike while I huddled deep within the relatively thin cotton of the jacket, no protection against the cold of the Colorado night. + +\begin{ally} +At some point during the night, your anxiety abated enough to let you get some more perspective on the situation, and you started to think in terms of what you would do. +\end{ally} +I would take the bus to Boulder, get off near the then-open Crossroads Mall, and see if I could get something to eat. + +\begin{ally} +You never quite made it back to baseline in terms of anxiety, however. You were riding on a high, the fugue state constantly re-conquering you and leaving you paralyzed for hours at a time. +\end{ally} +The bus was warm. It had eaten \$3.50 of my total of \$5, but it was totally worth it. I fell asleep in the back seat within minutes of getting on, and was only awoken when the bus reached the end of the line and the kindly driver (who surely knew what was up) shook me awake and helped me onto my bike. + +For lack of anything better to do, I rode my bike from the Walnut Street Station to my old elementary school. School wouldn't be starting for another half hour or so, so I camped out in a playground near by, affectionately known as Rock Park. I sat atop the sculpture-\emph{cum}-playground that made up the park's central feature and watched elementary schoolers trudge toward their classes. + +\begin{ally} +With a bit of rest under your belt and once more in familiar territory-- +\end{ally} +Literally three-quarters of a mile from my mom's house, at the time. + +\begin{ally} +--you were starting to come out of your state of panic. +\end{ally} +I was left with the dilemma of basically being a fugitive. I couldn't go to my mom's house, and I could never return to my dad's. I was no longer anxious -- my brain couldn't hold that anymore -- I was simply tired and sad. + +Without anywhere to go or anything to do, I made my way back up to my original goal of Crossroads and puttered around the mall for a bit. My \$1.50 wouldn't buy me anything, so I just strolled around the bookstore for a while, always a favorite spot of mine. As I headed back out to where I'd left my bike in front of the entrance, I was startled by a red Honda Civic pulling up directly in front of me. My mom had found me. She admitted immediately that she had been canvasing the bookstores in town looking for me. + +\begin{ally} +Even in your current state, you were a total dork. +\end{ally} +The rest of that day and the next were a blur of crying. I was crying. My mom was crying. + +\begin{ally} +Your dad may have been crying, +\end{ally} +Maybe, but it wasn't the type of thing I saw or heard from him. Mostly, he was angry. + +I remember heated phone calls back and forth several times throughout the next few days. He had found my journal and accused me, ``If you feel like you're going crazy, maybe we should put you in the hospital. Is that what you want from us?'' + +I couldn't answer. + +\begin{ally} +Might've done you some good. Gotten you some help. +\end{ally} +``I'm throwing out a bunch of your stuff, since you don't care about your place here.'' + +No answer. + +\begin{ally} +Stuff. Gifts. Clothing. Toys. Things piled high to, as you felt, buy your loyalty. +\end{ally} +``What's with the broken mirror?'' + +No answer. + +\begin{ally} +You couldn't tell him about the numinous aspect of it that drives that imagery in so many trashy teenage poetry notebooks, about how it came crashing down over you like a wave. And you \textbf{definitely} couldn't tell him about wanting to use it to kill yourself. +\end{ally} +``What is it you want from me?'' + +\begin{ally} +What \textbf{did} you want from him? +\end{ally} +I struggled for a way to put into words the anxiety, panic, and depression that had slowly taken over my life from the moment puberty had hit, exacerbated by the fact that I was living in a place where I felt distinctly unwelcome. I think I wound up mumbling something about the fact that, with my dad gone all evening at the bar, I had no contact with someone in utter control of my life other than through punishment. Even then, as a child, that only felt partly true. + +\begin{ally} +Dig deeper. +\end{ally} +\newpage + +\begin{ally} +That was exhausting. +\end{ally} +The old blog post? + +\begin{ally} +Yes. Exhausting in the sense that you have to hold three versions of yourself in your head at once. You have to hold in your mind the version of you who, in 1998, had such a large panic attack that he ran away from home. You have to hold in your mind the version of you who, in 2015, was struggling through the early stages of transition, who was finally getting into the meat of things with therapy. And you have to hold me in your mind. +\end{ally} +You have to remember that I'm powered by a small cantaloupe. Holding all three of those in my head at once would be a bit much. + +\begin{ally} +One of us was getting squeezed out. +\end{ally} +Did you feel neglected? + +\begin{ally} +That's nostalgia: neglect of the present in favor of the past. +\end{ally} +I suppose it is. I'll refrain from diving into a blog post like that again. + +\begin{ally} +You can, just mind your boundaries. +\end{ally} +I will. + +\begin{ally} +Tell me about running away. +\end{ally} +Again? + +\begin{ally} +You-who-live-in-2019, tell me about running away. +\end{ally} +One of us mentioned before that it was the moment at which I started to assert ownership over myself. + +\begin{ally} +We both did. +\end{ally} +I suppose I stand by that, then. Stand by the idea that that was conception to the birth that came in high school. + +But it needs some qualifications. + +\begin{ally} +Qualify away. +\end{ally} +One qualification that it needs is that, at the moment, just as with so many other forms of conception, it was borne of some baser part of me. It was not some conscious thing. It was not this clean and well-thought-out experience, sleek by design. + +It was a release of terror into action. I was blacking out from fear. I was so full of adrenaline that living my life as a vagrant was more acceptable to me than waiting for my dad to come home. It was an act that happened. Not something I did. + +\begin{ally} +Some folks try to conceive. +\end{ally} +Fair. + +Some folks try and plan out their memoirs. + +\begin{ally} +Fair. +\end{ally} +Another qualification that needs to be made is that, while I'm willing to accept this was about the time I started to assert ownership over myself, I don't think it happened while running away. Not that night. + +\begin{ally} +When did it happen? +\end{ally} +It happened that morning when I sat atop the rocks of Rock Park. I sat atop the rocks and watched kids walking along the cul-de-sac toward Eisenhower, my old Elementary school. + +I watched them walking and thought about how much bigger their backpacks looked than mine did when I was in school. + +I watched them and I thought about how big my backpack might get in high school, and realized that I wouldn't find out. + +I watched them and I thought about going to knock on the door at my mom's house. It was five blocks away. + +\begin{ally} +And then you chose not to. +\end{ally} +Yes. + +\begin{ally} +Dig deeper. +\end{ally} +% TODO +% \begin{figure} +% \centering +% \includegraphics{/rock-park.jpg} +% \caption{Rock park} +% \end{figure} +\newpage + +When I was getting ready to leave bConnected, I started struggling with movements. It started as a twitchiness in the hands. It started with a wringing of the fingers. It started with a slight nod of the head. It started in so many tiny ways that I didn't really put together. + +Twitching, twitching. Screw lorazepam. Gonna walk the dog instead :D + +--- Maddy, whose tail is behind her (@drab\_makyo) August 19, 2012 + +\begin{ally} +Twitch twitch. +\end{ally} +Yeah. + +\begin{ally} +And how does this tie in with your dad, again? +\end{ally} +Getting there. + +\begin{ally} +I'll be patient. +\end{ally} +Good. + +The twitchiness grew worse. It grew to a jerk of the head to the side. It went from the occasional thing to something that hit every second and a half or so. It started impeding my speech. I started stuttering. I lost my balance and had to use a cane for a while. + +\begin{ally} +It came and went. Not all of that happened at once. +\end{ally} +When I think back on that time, it's just a smear of time from when I got the offer at Canonical and Further Confusion 2013 a few months later. There are bits of time that stick out as being particularly tic-filled, of course, and bits of time I know I was free of it. + +\begin{ally} +You were free of it in Montreal, at your intro sprint. +\end{ally} +Yes, and it came back during UDS in Copenhagen. It came back and it stayed. + +\begin{ally} +Did it? +\end{ally} +For our purposes here, yes, it did. + +\begin{ally} +`Our'? +\end{ally} +Listen. When your body rebels and tries to shake your brain out through your ears and dislodge your eyes, when your friend dies in a car crash and you only find out about it a week later, when you start a brand new job and fly all the way across the country, getting stuck in London along the way, time stops making a whole lot of sense. At some point, I had the tic, and it stayed. + +\begin{ally} +Touchy tonight, aren't we? +\end{ally} +You're being as helpful as ever. + +\begin{ally} +Not my department. +\end{ally} +At some point during this whole process, Thanksgiving rolled around and I went to visit dad. + +\begin{ally} +Oh. +\end{ally} +See? + +I emailed him ahead of time, warning him that I was struggling with a transient tic disorder caused --- or at least exacerbated --- by one of my medications. I felt so embarrassed, to be seen by him like that. + +\begin{ally} +Like what? Vulnerable? +\end{ally} +Yes. To be seen as week by someone who placed so high a premium on strength. + +\begin{ally} +He was hardly a body-builder. +\end{ally} +Well, no. Not physical strength. Moral, perhaps? He certainly prided himself on his composure, and this was me in a state where I was literally unable to maintain my composure. + +\begin{ally} +At least you had an excuse for avoiding eye contact. +\end{ally} +It was, oddly, a fairly calm and cozy evening. JD came with. We had some turkey breast. I brought a bottle of bourbon and some homemade cranberry sauce. We talked. + +\begin{ally} +It was nice. +\end{ally} +It was. This was at the time in my life where I was learning what the proper amount of `dad' was that I could handle. About three hours. Maybe a little more. Any more than that and we'd both fall back into our old habits. We had much better reunions than we did an ongoing friendship. + +\begin{ally} +And you drank, then. +\end{ally} +Yes. + +\begin{ally} +You laughed when you knocked the bottle of bourbon off the counter and immediately caught it before it fell to the ground. ``The tic has led to my reflexes getting better,'' you said. +\end{ally} +Dad didn't quite know how to accept me acknowledging my vulnerability. + +\begin{ally} +It was nice. +\end{ally} +In a smirking sort of way, I guess. In a \emph{oh wow I'm different now} way. In a \emph{I guess I'm finally starting to grow out of being your son} way. + +\begin{ally} +Matthew had died. +\end{ally} +Yes. Matthew had died, and we were doing Thanksgiving together. + +\begin{ally} +It was nice. +\end{ally} +It was. He had come to the wedding, so the truth was out, as it were, about JD and I, though he surely had known already. During one of his prior visits to Fort Collins, he had invited me down to grab dinner with him in Lakewood sometime, saying, ``You can bring your\ldots{}ah, you can bring James with you, too.'' + +\begin{ally} +Tell me about `man'. +\end{ally} +Matthew was dead. Madison was conceived. She would be born soon. + +\begin{ally} +Dig deeper. +\end{ally} +\newpage + +October 26, 2014: + +\begin{verbatim} +Hey Matt + +Been a while since I've heard from you. You guys get all settled in the new house? Need to get together and catch up. Still have that gun for your collection. + +Doing well here. Grandma is getting a bit more frail. We are going down for thanksgiving. + +Dad + +Sent from my BlackBerry 10 smartphone. +\end{verbatim} + +\begin{ally} +Never one to beat around the bush. +\end{ally} +No indeed. + +Three and a half hours later, my reply: + +\begin{verbatim} +Hey dad, + +Things are going fine at the house, though things are always more expensive than they first seem. We got the old house rented out, though, and that really helps; the mortgage on that is about $650, and it's renting for $1550, so the extra cash really helps with the new place. Other than finances though,it's going really well. Loveland's kind of a desert for restaurants and things to do, but we've got enough to keep us occupied at the house. + +It's a shame to hear about grandma, but I suppose that's sort of what happens as one gets older. You'll have to say hi for me, I'll be travelling to Seattle around then. Things are going okay here, work's going really well and there's lots of travel. I just got back from Brussels not too long ago and am currently in the Bay Area on the first Actual Vacation I've taken in a while, the rest having been coincidental things with conferences and conventions. We'll have to meet up sometime for drinks and catching up. + +In all, things are going well, though I think I need to be more honest about a big part of my life over the last several years. + +In my life as a gay man, I believe I only ever really come out in an explicit manner once. I was in high school, in my first week of classes, and our counselors came around to our homeroom class to hold some getting-to-know-you exercise. This consisted of a lot of bored kids and one "excited" counselor asking us a series of yes or no questions and having us move to one side of the room for 'yes' and the other for 'no'. Being in a progressive town, I didn't expect to be the only kid to answer the question "Will you get married when you grow up?" with no, but sure enough, I was. I was feeling brave, so, when I was questioned about my response in front of the class, mumbled, "gay marriage is illegal, and I'm gay." + +All of the other times I had to come out to family or friends, it was something assumed, or something hinted at. When I came out to my mom, I did so by leaving a book about gay teens and their stories on her stack of books to read. Coming out at work at my first job out of college was a matter of being "the one hired by the gay manager", and coming out at my second job was a matter of my relationship with James being included in a portfolio piece - a data-visualization rĂ©sumĂ© about my life. When I *officially* came out to you, I did so by inviting you to my wedding to James. Prior to that, although I assume it was common knowledge, it was unspoken. + +Needless to say, I'm not all that good at coming out. + +Running away was a turning point for me - for both of us, really. I think that we have always been guarded in our communication with each other. During that time in my life, I felt under intense distress that I couldn't express to you. Not only did I not have the words, it didn't fit in with what I perceived to be our mode of communication. I felt stuck, drained, and worthless, and the only path forward to me at the time was escape. + +After that incident, however, I shut down even more. I didn't feel that talking through emotions, feelings, and identity with you was appropriate or allowed. This was something based off of my perceptions, which were that there are appropriate conversations to have, and that not all conversations fit into this category. I think - I hope - that my perceptions growing up were wrong. I know that my running away caused a lot of pain, and that's something that I still feel bad about, just as I know that only coming out to you through a wedding invite was not my classiest move, and I feel bad about that as well. + +It has been my goal with my friends and partners to have relationships based on the ability to share the emotions and problems that are part and parcel to being a living human being. Over the last few years, I've worked to open up to my mom as well, letting deliberate honesty take the place of obfuscation and lying through omission about the things that are tough to talk about. I think that, as my dad, I owe that to you as well. I want to make up for all the lost conversations that we've never had. We've made good buddies over the last few decades, and I think it's important that we also make good family. + +So what's this about? + +I've been having troubles fitting within a masculine role for as long as I can remember. Early on, this was shown through a disregard for the boyish aspects of childhood: a lack of interest in sports, a fascination with reading the same books Marika (I apologize if I've misspelled her name, I believe that's the first time I've ever written it myself), and a need to keep out of the cliques of other boys in my early school years, except for the crowd of misfits I wound up palling around with, with whom I still keep in touch. + +Moving to college, of course, provided all sorts of opportunities to explore. Although I spent time hanging out in the LGBT student services office and fiddled around with all sorts of different relationships, I still maintained this repressed attitude toward gender. There is a tendency among gay men to be incredibly misogynistic, and I experienced no shortage of that until I managed to quit that group, about the time I switched into a major that I felt fit me much better. Working in the music department taught me a lot about how gender roles are cemented within western culture, and in particular, I remember a discussion in which a young woman who had accepted a male part in an operetta was taught how to walk like a man. + +Somewhere around then, I understood what feminism was all about. I realized how everything from wages down to the ways in which we walk are coded toward gender, and I hated it. I didn't fit this masculine role into which I was born, and there was little to nothing I could do about it. + +Gayle Rubin describes gender as the aggregation of "chromosomal sex, hormonal exposure, internal reproductive organs, external genitalia and psychological identifications." Needless to say, there's a lot bound up in the topic, and a whole lot of it made me feel awful. I spent most of 2012 doing my level best to reject gender in its entirety. I denied my masculinity as I strived for neutrality and, while I gained quite a bit of insight, I gained little ground in terms of tackling my own problems with my identity. + +It's only recently that I've decided to come at this problem of identity and personal friction in an explicit and deliberate fashion. There are things in my life that make me feel bad - just as there are for everyone - and I've found that it's my job, more than anyone else's, to fix the things in my life that cause me pain. Identity, after all, is that which we feel about ourselves when under duress. + +What this boils down to, really, is that I'm more than just uncomfortable in a masculine role, it causes me intense psychological distress, and so I'm working to fix that. + +I've found ways to soothe this friction, however, and, as I mentioned, I'm deliberately pursuing these fronts. I can do little things, like dress in a less masculine fashion, walk with less swagger, and, to get down to the point, change my name away from something so decidedly masculine. I'm working on changing my name from Matthew Joseph Scott to Madison Jesse Scott-Clary. It's a way to mitigate this distress, and it's working well from my point of view. I'm finally being proactive about self-actualization rather than waiting for it to come from the outside, and it's doing me wonders. + +I waffle quite a bit on whether or not to adopt the label transgender for myself, but in a lot of ways, it really fits. 'Transgender' is an umbrella term that encompasses most all of gender variance in the human population, and literally just means not identifying with the culturally defined gender roles or categories of male or female as it pertains to one's sex assigned at birth. + +Going back to Rubin's definition of gender, it is my psychological identification that is not in line with my biological sex. I don't really feel "more like a woman than a man", so much as I feel decidedly ungendered. Gender itself is non-binary - there isn't simply an either-or, or a line between two extremes, but a whole realm of experience that exists, unique to each person as an individual. + +As far as definitions go, this makes me more "genderqueer" or "genderfluid", rather than simply "transgender". However, given my tendency to shy away from masculinity, I think it is safe to say that, although I will aways be a man-shape (there's no changing my height, natch), I will be a lot less masculine, and thus to all appearances by society at large more feminine, than I have been in the past. So while transgender works, I generally describe myself as agender or genderqueer, and use gender-neutral pronouns such as "they/them/theirs" to refer to myself. + +Big picture, what does this mean? + +I've already brought up the name change, and as yet, that's one in a set of very small changes that make up my attempts to alleviate this particular type of distress. It's these little things - changing my name, growing my hair out, carefully choosing the clothing that I purchase - that I've adopted so far as deliberate attempts to make myself feel better + +I am, however, still me. There is nothing above the surface level that is changing. This has always been me, and will always be me, and there's certainly no changing that. Little things such as changing my name are ways in which I can better align that sense of self with the ways in which the world perceives me. + +These changes allow me to live in a way that makes me content. I've been searching for a long time for the supposed happiness that comes with being a grown-up, and, like most everyone, decided it's bogus. However, there really is something to be said for realizing oneself in a way that provides the utmost self-fulfillment that oneself can provide. What it comes down to is that I feel good here. I feel better than I have in a long, long time, and I think that my actions speak for themselves: this is who I am. + +What does this mean for you? + +Dad, I really appreciate all that you've done for me. I owe so much more to you than I could ever put into words. So much of the things we did while I was growing up proved formative to who I am today, and there's no expressing the gratitude that I feel for that. You've given me so much that there's no amount I could give back to repay that. + +I understand that the changes that I am making for myself, now that I'm nearing 30, vary in size from minuscule to enormous. I understand that I am changing some pretty integral parts of myself, some of which you had a say in yourself, such as my name. + +What it comes down to is that I'm writing to seek your acceptance. It needn't be immediate (I'm telling you this in a letter for a reason, take all the time you need in responding), and it needn't necessarily be wholehearted. However, this is the path that I'm heading down, dad, and I'm determined to do so. There's years and years and years of thought and emotion bound up inside of these steps I'm taking, and I want you to be aware of them, and, if it's alright by you, for you to be a part of them. + +I know that our communication over the years has been rough in places, but lets have this be the opening to a conversation between us about each of us. I hope to hear back from you soon. + +Apologies for so many words, I know I wrote rather a lot. I'll stop here and leave some links and resources below. I wish you all the best in work and in life. + +Always yours, + +Madison Scott-Clary + +Some resources: + +[0] A good explanation of neutrois/agender/genderqueer: + + Take everything that you associate with masculinity and put it into a metaphorical yard. Then do the same thing with everything feminine, putting all of that into an adjacent yard. Then, build a low stone wall (not a fence) between them, and put atop this wall everything that you can associate with both genders. Then, imagine that I walked down that wall, picked up a lot of the attributes from that center place, and then the parts from both of the yards that most appealed to me. + +[1] A good set of pages on the subject of transgender issues and gender variance as a whole: http://transwhat.org/ + +[2] A well-written video on non-binary gender, sexuality, and presentation: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ibAGYQtk3r4 + +[3] A friend, who is going through similar changes in their life, wrote a really good analogy on binaries and identities: https://medium.com/@indilatrani/early-birds-and-night-owls-afc59712b0b8 + +[4] A really good paper on the types of things I've been working through over the past decade or so: http://web.uvic.ca/~ahdevor/Witnessing.pdf +\end{verbatim} + +\begin{ally} +I'm ashamed to be associated with you. +\end{ally} +Oh come now. + +\begin{ally} +2300 words. +\end{ally} +It's not that bad. + +\begin{ally} +You have four footnotes +\end{ally} +Okay, maybe it's a little bad. + +\begin{ally} +One of them is an academic paper. +\end{ally} +Okay, it's bad. + +Remember when I had the accident with the Pathfinder, though? + +\begin{ally} +He told you not to talk like a lawyer, that shit happens. I don't think that means write an essay for class. +\end{ally} +Is it your department to experience just how difficult it is to interact with him. + +\begin{ally} +No.~It's my department to mirror that back at you. +\end{ally} +Interacting with him was walking a minefield of proclamations. One didn't just discuss a topic. One didn't just feel emotions and have a heart to heart. One learned about something and showed that they knew what they were talking about. I \emph{had} to talk like a lawyer. I \emph{had} to write an essay. + +Matthew was dead, and this was me letting him go. Madison was a newborn. Less than two months old. I couldn't not be careful. I was too fragile. + +\begin{ally} +What was his reply? +\end{ally} +Four days later. + +\begin{verbatim} +Hey Madison + +First things first. Congratulation on that vacation. They seem to be hard to come by lately. I know Maurine doesn’t consider going to Tucson a vacation any more. We do love San Fran. Maybe a trip this spring. Playing a lot of deadline games this fall and pretty much have been stuck here in the office. Can’t bitch. It pays for retirement (whatever that’ll be). + +Thanks for the letter. I am always glad to get something to read that has some meat to it. Also thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings. That thing they call life can be a slippery beast and I am always happy when you can feel a little more comfortable walking around. It’s funny how easy it is to say that you don’t care what people think when deep down your innate reflex is to care. + +Anyway, I am truly happy for you. It’s your life and it should be as fun and easy as you can make it. Seems thoughtful people tend to beat themselves up while many others can just cruise through life with a grin. I can envy them at times. It took me a lot of years to learn to just relax and enjoy things. I’ve had my times when I have gone to see counselors just because I couldn’t feel settled down in life. Each time I’ve learned a little bit about myself that helps slow down the troubles so that the good can be enjoyed. I will always be there if you need me no matter what your name is or for that matter your gender. + +Still looking forward to seeing you Madison. This weekend is a bit of a rush, but we around from then till Thanksgiving. Let me know your address and Maurine and I would love to come up and see the new digs and have some lunch. + +Love Dad +\end{verbatim} + +\begin{ally} +Dig deeper. +\end{ally} +\newpage + +I went through all this effort to come out to him. It was one of the only times I've come out and had it be 100\% my choice, my words. I could write what I want, explain my feelings. + +\begin{ally} +Ish. +\end{ally} +Well, sure. I had to couch it in language catered to him. I had to couch it almost as an apology. But it was my choice to come out, when I could've just hid. + +I typed up my letter. I ran it past Robin. I slept on it. I hit send. + +\begin{ally} +You hit send and then you put your laptop away and curled up to rest your head on Robin's lap. +\end{ally} +It took a lot out of me. Being vulnerable is exhausting. Being vulnerable around my dad doubly so. + +\begin{ally} +It went better than you had hoped. +\end{ally} +Much. + +\begin{ally} +And then you met up in person. +\end{ally} +Yes. We met up for dinner in Loveland, and he just couldn't quite do it. JD couldn't come for some reason or another, so it was just me and my dad and Maurine sitting at a table in Door 222. + +I went in boy mode. I wasn't quite sure that I was ready to be that vulnerable around him, not enough to be in a skirt and makeup. + +\begin{ally} +You came out as ace. You couldn't have been that shy. +\end{ally} +I was also a little drunk. Maybe after a few drinks, I thought maybe a bit more vulnerability might not be such a bad thing. + +It was just all too much, though, for someone I saw so infrequently. He couldn't use my name. He couldn't call me Madison. + +\begin{ally} +Man. Dude. +\end{ally} +Yeah. That's all I got. I got one `Matt' and an apology, and then the rest of the night, he would only call me `man' or `dude'. + +\begin{ally} +Do you think it was intentional? +\end{ally} +Probably not. + +\begin{ally} +But it hurt. +\end{ally} +Yes. It's one thing to not be able to remember a name on the spot, or to mess up on pronouns, but it's another to default to specifically gendered terms when your child just came out to you as trans. + +I know, I know, they're not \emph{that} gendered. Folks argue that `dude' is gender neutral with some frequency. + +\begin{ally} +But still. +\end{ally} +But still. + +\begin{ally} +And then you stopped really trying. +\end{ally} +Yeah. + +I talked with my therapist not too long ago about what I would tell someone coming out as trans who had a parent who reacted how my dad did, with that same nonchalance, that same uncaring attitude. I said I would tell them to try to make their voice heard up until a point. + +``Up until a point?'' she asked. ``Do you think there's a point where you stop trying to make your voice heard?'' + +``It's less that than it is there's a point where you have to make the cost-benefit analysis and decide whether or not it's worth it to try any harder.'' + +``That's kind of harsh, don't you think? To say `it's not worth it to continue this relationship with my family member'.'' + +I shrugged. ``Maybe it is, but at a certain point, it costs more to keep trying that any benefit I would get out of him really listening and understanding.'' + +\begin{ally} +You cut your losses. +\end{ally} +Yeah. I decided that it was either going to be too much energy or just plain hurt to much to keep trying and to keep failing with him, so I just kinda gave up. + +\begin{ally} +You could have kept going. +\end{ally} +Maybe. + +\begin{ally} +Maybe he would have come around. +\end{ally} +Maybe. + +\begin{ally} +He could have started to see you as his daughter. You could have told him about the HRT, about surgery. You could have told him about drinking and poly and so many other things. +\end{ally} +Maybe. But at this point, it's too many 'maybe's. I'm too tired to deal with something so important with someone I'm not even sure I respect. + +\begin{ally} +It's okay not to respect them him that he was around Matthew. What about the him that's around Madison? What about the him that went and sought out therapy? What about the him who said, quietly, ``I was a real asshole. I'm starting to realize that now.''? Is that him not worth loving? +\end{ally} +Maybe I love him. + +I'm just not sure I can let my guard down around him enough to respect him. + +The him who kicked me, the him who I ran away from, the him who taught me that moods were a thing for cattle and loveplay\ldots{}that him is still too near the surface. I have spent years of my life, hours and hours of therapy, I have spent thousands of dollars trying to unwind what damage he did to me. I resent that. I loathe that I hate who I used to be in part because he made me that way. + +Maybe I do love him, I'm just not yet sure that I don't also hate him. +\newpage + +\begin{verse}[1.01\textwidth] + There's some duality between sources of meaning,\\ + \vin Between the types of stories we use to back identity.\\ + It's not quite good \& bad or light \& dark,\\ + \vin Though I'm not yet sure just how to define it. + + Dad used to punish the dogs\\ + \vin by locking then in the basement.\\ + If he was really mad,\\ + \vin he'd toss then down there by the scruff. + + Mom moved me \& her dogs to a new house ---\\ + \vin moved us three days early during the divorce.\\ + Her dog punched my ex stepdad in the crotch the night before,\\ + \vin the nut-shot to end all nut-shots, \& our time there. + + Few things make me feel as deeply about life as parenthood,\\ + \vin even if it's just me caring for my dogs.\\ + Some reminders of that are intense enough to be raw, painful,\\ + \vin salt in the wounds of mortality, maybe, or the ache of maternal love. + + The meaning behind the story of me \& my dogs\\ + \vin comes with a story of its own, or maybe several.\\ + It's bound up in stories to come,\\ + \vin \& these stories nest infinitely deep. + + \newpage + + \null + \vspace{1cm} + + Remembering that \& shaping that,\\ + \vin It's a part of making the meaning in my life.\\ + This isn't better against worse,\\ + \vin it's not mom against dad. + + It's not a dichotomy at all, really,\\ + \vin now that I think about it.\\ + It's something subtler, comfortably complex, a topic of its own.\\ + \vin I guess it's just meaning \& self. +\end{verse} + +\newpage + +\begin{ally} +Do you ever worry that maybe he should be forgiven? +\end{ally} +Oh, \emph{constantly}. +\newpage diff --git a/book/content/from-within.tex b/book/content/from-within.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..53efb94 --- /dev/null +++ b/book/content/from-within.tex @@ -0,0 +1,260 @@ +% background: '#333a18' +% color: '#cdc' +% quote: '#efe' +Somewhere around 2014, a friend of mine went mad. + +\begin{ally} +That's a bit dramatic, isn't it? +\end{ally} +I really don't know how else to put the sensation of someone's reality not meshing with yours. The closest I can come is the feeling of shock and betrayal that I felt the first (and only) time I experienced an earthquake. + +\begin{ally} +Do you feel that your friend betrayed you? +\end{ally} +Not intentionally. + +\begin{ally} +Can betrayal be anything but? +\end{ally} +Did the earth intend betray me? Almost certainly not. Is it even capable of such? + +\begin{ally} +And yet you feel it did. +\end{ally} +I have trust issues. + +\begin{ally} +Well, yes. +\end{ally} +I trust that some parts of the world around me are static, inert. Or that they move so slowly as to be indistinguishable from such. That's balanced by just how much everything else moves. + +This static thing suddenly became something else. A gentle side-to-side motion became a more rapid wobble, lasting perhaps ten to fifteen seconds before fading quickly to stillness once more. In that time, I'd leaped from bed and dashed into the hallway, confused. I was just in the process of calling the dogs when it stopped. + +JD simply mumbled "Earthy-quake?" and fell back asleep. + +Three minutes later came a small aftershock, lasting no more than five seconds. + +\begin{ally} +You raced to post it on Twitter, Mastodon, and Telegram, and fill out the I-Felt-It report like a good little Millennial. +\end{ally} +I have a type. I'll own that. + +Getting that call in 2014, hearing those words that spoke of a different reality. It was an earthquake. + +And\ldots{} + +\newpage + +% background: '#333a18' +% color: '#cdc' +% quote: '#efe' + +Somewhere around 2018, a friend of mine went mad. + +\begin{ally} +Same one? +\end{ally} +Same one. + +\begin{ally} +Let's talk about mania. +\end{ally} +Let's talk about \emph{my} mania. + +\begin{ally} +How long are your cycles? +\end{ally} +Three to five months. + +\begin{quotation} + It was toward the tail end of high school that I began to get plagued with depression and mood swings. + +I was a healthy collie. All the romance of a noble lineage had gone to my parents' heads, and there was simply no reason one of my standing should ever feel bad. Sure, the family had come on hard times financially, and Idaho had been an inexpensive refuge for us. Flyover state or no, we could keep our large house and happy lives. How could any dog be sad? + +And yet I was. I was in spades. I would swing down for a few months, life slowly losing its color, until I'd feel nothing except an ache behind my sternum, eating only mechanically, and only when reminded. + +Then it would pass. It would be dinner and I'd realize that I was actually \emph{really} enjoying the curried chicken. I'd realize that it had been days since I'd thought about falling asleep and not waking up. I'd have energy. + +I'd have a bit too much energy. + +Mom would shrug and mumble something about boys. "Men in this family, always so moody. You'll grow out of it." + +I mostly kept it to myself. When I did share it with friends online, it was to commiserate in the "Parents, eh? What do they know?" style that never goes out of fashion among teenagers. + +Still, as awful as it was, I learned the rhythm of it. I'd spend a month or so feeling terrible, three months feeling pretty good, and then a month feeling great. + +Not just great, \emph{better} than great. + +I'd spend all of my allowance in a week. I'd sleep three, four hours a night. I'd write page after page of backstory for my role-playing characters. I'd scribble ideas as fast as they came to me and still not be fast enough. + +I still have a folder of those ideas. They're illegible, unnerving. + +And then, over the course of a week at most, I'd be back underwater once more. + +Depression is a strange thing. + +I tried at several points to capture some sense of it in words, but nothing ever quite fit. Whenever I did, I found myself using a lot of ellipses just to fill in, textually, my fumbling for words with enough meaning. I came up with stuff like, "I dunno. My brain just isn't all me. Like\ldots{}It's something else. It's there and exerts influence on me life, but it spends an inordinate about of time trying to destroy me." + +Or poetry. I tried to throw that at depression, too, but it just came out sounding stilted and weird. I'd wind up talking about fire a lot. Fire and birds, for some reason. + +Which was nonsense, really, but each in such a way that seemed to cover at least one small corner of depression. + +Depression is big. It's vast and terrible and empty. Completely empty, and there you are, in the middle of it, feeling bad about nothing. + +There's just no sense to it. No sense in trying to describe nothing. A ‘nothing' which is also nonsensical. + +And yet I keep trying. + +All these words\ldots{} +\end{quotation} + +\begin{ally} +Which came first, the lilac-scented words on bipolar disorder, or the furry fiction? +\end{ally} +Does it matter? + +\begin{ally} +I suppose not, but humor me. +\end{ally} +The bit about words first. Then the bit about the dog. + +\begin{ally} +Let's talk about mania. +\end{ally} +Again, hypomania. That's usually what I wind up in. + +\begin{ally} +Let's talk about mania. +\end{ally} +Okay. + +\newpage + +% background: "#283a26" +% color: '#cdc' +% quote: '#efe' + +On two occasions, the world has slid away from me. + +\begin{ally} +What does madness feel like from within? +\end{ally} +Oh, not madness. PNESes. + +\begin{ally} +Lewd. +\end{ally} +I wince every time I say or type it. Even spelling it out still sounds crass. + +\begin{ally} +Let's talk about mania. +\end{ally} +I'm working up to it. + +On two occasions, the world has slid away from me. My perception shrinks. Tunnel vision, yes, but just all of perception. My ears fill with static. My skin becomes fantastically sensitive. My vision narrows to the size of a quarter held at arm's length. + +My muscles stopped working. + +I fell. + +\begin{ally} +JD thought it was the alcohol at first. +\end{ally} +Was it not? I was drunk. + +\begin{ally} +It may have been, and yet you collapsed in the bathroom months later. You were wedged between the wall, the toilet, and the bathtub. You shook and shook and shook. +\end{ally} +JD came home and held me while I shook. I was sober, and it happened again. I sobbed and said that over and over again. I was sober and it happened again. + +I'm sorry for coming at this sideways. You're good at taking this in different directions than intended. + +\begin{ally} +You're good at taking this in different directions than intended. +\end{ally} +Great. + +\begin{ally} +I'm glad you showed the fortitude to tell me no, though. +\end{ally} +Careful, lady. Pride's a sin. + +Having experienced it from the outside, and having experienced the world sliding away from beneath me, there is some similarity between the two. + +And\ldots{} + +\newpage + +% background: "#082a16" +% color: '#bcb' +% quote: '#ded' + +Let's talk about mania. + +\begin{ally} +Finally. +\end{ally} +There's this rush. + +This wild-nights-wild-nights rush. + +There's this lack of foresight. + +There's this thinking of the goal instead of the path. + +There's this tinny scent to the air. There's this burning, burning sensation, burning. There's this pleasant static. + +And\ldots{} + +\newpage + +% background: "#082010" +% color: '#aba' +% quote: '#cdc' + +\begin{ally} +And? +\end{ally} +And were I to catch fire, the flames would feel like silk against my skin, against freshly-shaven skin. + +\begin{ally} +And? +\end{ally} +And I feel like, were I to draw a blade along my limbs, to trace each long bone, each carpal, each tarsal, it would feel like ice, and the blood that came with would be my semen, and I would give birth to whole worlds through my flesh. + +\begin{ally} +And? +\end{ally} +And if I stop, I'll surely die. + +\begin{ally} +And? +\end{ally} +\newpage + +% background: "#001a06" +% color: '#aba' +% quote: '#cdc' + +I'm hypomanic now. + +\begin{ally} +You're hypomanic now. +\end{ally} +It's not because of this. + +\begin{ally} +It's not because of me. +\end{ally} +This is part of hypomania, but this is not because of it. + +\begin{ally} +I am part of hypomania, but I am not because of it. +\end{ally} +I'm sorry. + +\begin{ally} +I'm sorry. +\end{ally} +Let's go back, please. +\newpage diff --git a/book/content/furry/furry.tex b/book/content/furry/furry.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..80e3712 --- /dev/null +++ b/book/content/furry/furry.tex @@ -0,0 +1,378 @@ +A lot of times, when furries talk, they talk about their fursoñas as their ideal selves. I've found that it's more likely that their fursoñas are them at their most normal, most natural, most earnest. + +It's strange that this venue seen as escapist by even its own members is basically just a means of exploring what it means to be earnest in an ironic world. + +\begin{ally} +Is it? +\end{ally} +Every time I think we're living in a post-ironic world, the Internet proves me wrong. + +\begin{ally} +I wouldn't know. +\end{ally} +Do you not experience irony? + +\begin{ally} +A friend asks Maddy: what is irony? +\end{ally} +\end{leftcolumn} +\begin{rightcolumn*} + \input{content/koan.tex} +\end{rightcolumn*} +\begin{leftcolumn} +\newpage + +I talk up my style as frumpcore. \emph{It's the synthesis of momcore and downtempo librarian,} I say. In reality, It's an intentionally garbage-y, thrown-together look designed to, I hope, lead onlookers' eyes to slide right off of me as unremarkable. + +\begin{ally} +Ah yes, the invisible six-foot-one trans woman with purple hair. That tired old trope. +\end{ally} +While I've had fursoñas that were intended to be something better than myself --- Makyo, for a while, was dressed in a nice suit --- more often than not, they've played along similar lines. + +Ranna was a gay fox, a bit pudgy, with two tails he readily admitted were an early affectation to differentiate himself from countless other foxes. + +Makyo was intentionally a transfeminine vixen who didn't pass. + +Maddy's a dumpy, nerdy cis girl who dresses to hide her weight. + +\begin{ally} +And Madison's a dumpy, nerdy transfeminine girl who doesn't pass and dresses to hide her weight? +\end{ally} +I suppose. + +\begin{ally} +You don't give yourself enough credit. +\end{ally} +Is that your department, now? Cheering me on? + +\begin{ally} +I'm your ally. +\end{ally} +But not my friend. + +\begin{ally} +No, but I am your ally. +\end{ally} +Fine. How do I not give myself enough credit? + +\begin{ally} +Firstly, you're not as invisible as you seem and frumpcore isn't seen as that cohesive from the outside. Secondly, you pass better than you imagine. Everyone tells you that, you just can't yet hear it. Finally, you just got done writing some heavy shit after a day of worrying about work, so of course you're down on yourself. You don't want to pass, remember? You want to be visibly trans. You want to be seen as the trans psychopomp you strive to be. +\end{ally} +\ldots{}Wow. + +\begin{ally} +Your very words set lie to your insecurities. Your fursoñas are yourself expressed more earnestly than you can manage in person. +\end{ally} +Thank you. + +\begin{ally} +If you could become Maddy, would you? +\end{ally} +Yeah, in a heartbeat. + +\begin{ally} +Why? +\end{ally} +You said it as well as I could. She's the front-stage persona I wish were also my back-stage persona. + +\begin{ally} +And she's pretty. +\end{ally} +I mean, she's still a dumpy fat nerd. + +\begin{ally} +Let's talk about kink. +\end{ally} +Oh for Christ's sake. +\newpage + +When I hit puberty, I wound up doing a good bit of digging to try and figure out just what it was that was going on. I mean, obviously, there was sex ed and stuff, but it's not like that's super comprehensive in the states. + +\begin{ally} +In fifth grade, the teachers gathered the four classes together in one spot to show a video and give a short lecture on sex. That was the extent of it, before and at the beginning of puberty. +\end{ally} +Yeah, the video kept going on about how embarrassing puberty was. Boys getting erections and everyone laughing at them. Girls getting their period and everyone noticing. There was so much mortification built into the process. So much repression. The teachers hated it, the students picked up on it. The one woman teacher was asked if she could feel a man orgasm inside of her during sex. She haltingly said, ``It's not like a fire hose or anything, but I guess so.'' + +\begin{ally} +You memorized that. You thought about that forever. +\end{ally} +Yeah, maybe some genderful stuff going on there. + +\begin{ally} +Let's talk about kink. +\end{ally} +Fuck \emph{off}. + +\begin{ally} +If were corporeal, I'd be be smirking. +\end{ally} +I'll just have to imagine it. + +So I turned to the internet to learn more, as one does. I found the delightfully-named Puberty101. Forums, chat, articles, stories\ldots{} + +\begin{ally} +And pedophiles? +\end{ally} +I'm sure of it. + +I met my first boyfriend there. Danny. He was wickedly smart. We started moderating a subforum on long distance relationships in the LGBT section. I think. Something like that. + +\begin{ally} +Did you dig for that, too? +\end{ally} +Not this time. Or, well, not in months. Not since I found out he died. ODed? Not sure. I did dig it up it then, on Wayback. I saw us talking together. + +No. + +I saw Matthew and a dead guy talking together. I saw two kids in love. I saw too many names. + +\begin{ally} +Did you learn about sex? +\end{ally} +I suppose. I learned about phone sex with Danny, at least. I miss that, actually. The tense silences, the little gasp, the embarrassed giggling that followed. I learned the theory if not the practice. + +I learned about the theory of sex, embedded deep within puberty, and then I learned about furry. + +\begin{ally} +You learned about typefucking +\end{ally} +Boy howdy did I. + +% \href{/ts-graph.png}{\includegraphics{/ts-graph.png}} + +\begin{ally} +You are a parody of yourself. +\end{ally} +And proud of it. +\newpage + +So, I think the order of my entry to furry was as follows: + +\begin{enumerate} +\def\labelenumi{\arabic{enumi}.} +\item + Find a furcode in someone's forum sig. + + \begin{ally} + Oh my aching bones. + \end{ally} + Shut up, you're not that old, the internet just moves \emph{really} fast. Besides, you don't have bones. +\item + Find a furcode decoder. +\item + Find Captain Packrat's page on furry. +\item + Find Yerf!. +\item + Make a dragon character. +\item + This lasts three days. No one pays attention to me. Make a fox character. +\item + Meet some furries on GovTeen (nĂ©e Puberty101). +\item + Start talking with furries on AIM. +\item + Join FluffMUCK. +\end{enumerate} + +\begin{ally} +Ah yes, Fluff. May she rest in eternal solitude. +\end{ally} +She's not totally gone. I don't think. I actually haven't checked in a while. + +\begin{ally} +I'm starting to doubt your commitment to nostalgia, here. +\end{ally} +What would I gain from such? + +\begin{ally} +You could go look in the park. You could go ride around in the Universe-in-a-Box. You could \texttt{laston} some folks, maybe. +\end{ally} +Weirdly enough, of the people I would \texttt{laston}, I was finally reintroduced to a few not too long ago by, of all people, Zorin, head wiz of Fluff. Rela and GC. I was glad to see them doing well. + +\begin{ally} +You were glad to see they were alive. +\end{ally} +I was glad to see they were alive, yes. That was around the time I had found the obituary for Danny. + +\begin{ally} +You could \texttt{laston} Marek. +\end{ally} +I'm not sure I could take that. + +\begin{ally} +Is that why you don't want to connect? +\end{ally} +It's one reason. Nostalgia is only so much fun. It's fun up until a certain extent, and then it becomes painful. + +\begin{ally} +It's fun up until you're confronted with mortality and uncertainty. Danny died, and you don't know if Marek's alive. +\end{ally} +Yeah. + +It's no longer fun, but it's no less important. + +\begin{ally} +Let's talk about Margaras. +\end{ally} +Not yet. + +\begin{ally} +Danny's passing was an abstract thing. Maragaras' was much more immediate. Much more concrete and real. +\end{ally} +Please. + +\begin{ally} +Take your time. +\end{ally} +\newpage + +The first furry I met, aside from Ash, was Osric. We went to see a movie. We were so painfully shy. + +\begin{ally} +After seeing the movie, you drove him back to where he had parked, and you sat for a few moments in pained silence, then hugged and went your separate ways. +\end{ally} +Years later, I'd take a picture of him and his husband after his graduation that I think they still have. Years after that, his husband would officiate JD and I's wedding. + +\begin{ally} +When was the last time you talked with either of them? +\end{ally} +Bel favorited a tweet of mine not too long ago. + +\begin{ally} +You grew up. +\end{ally} +Yeah, we all grew up. We bought houses. We got jobs. + +JD and Os dated for a little, and Bel and I nearly did. Even up until when I was working on polycul.es, we had dashed lines between us. I loved them. + +\begin{ally} +`Loved'? +\end{ally} +I still do. Very much so. But every year, that love gets more abstract. More academic. + +Bel and I clicked on a sexual and nerdy level on which Os and I seemed to miss each other. I wasn't toppy enough for Os, and the nerdery --- minus, briefly, EVE --- was work, for him. + +\begin{ally} +Eventually, it got that way with you, too. And then you started feeling uncomfortable with sex. +\end{ally} +Our relationships were organic. We met randomly. We drifted closer, orbited each other, and then we drifted apart. The same happened with friends from high school and university. The same happened with friends from the PN on FurryMUCK. + +From those first, halting meetings, I wound up slowly working my way into meeting furries in person. First, there were the few at school. Then the few at the queer group. Then, in university, Os dragged me to Fort Fur Friday, which I attended basically until they moved out of Fort Collins. That's where I met JD. + +Then I managed to make it to Anthrocon 2005. Then Further Confusion 2007. I was sold. + +There's this trope that pokes its head up every now and then, that there is an age-out date for furry. A time when you realize you're too old for this shit and peace. + +\begin{ally} +When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. +\end{ally} +There is some of that, yes, but I like Qoheleth more than Paul. I like Ecclesiastes better than the epistles. + +\begin{ally} +When you graduated high school, you stamped I Cor. 13 in your friends' yearbooks. +\end{ally} +When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. + +\begin{ally} +Well played. +\end{ally} +There is a time for reaping and a time for sowing; there is a time for being a hardcore nutjob furry and a time for taking a break and just being a human for a while. + +\begin{ally} +This, too, is meaningless. +\end{ally} +Well played. +\newpage + +A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up. + +My interest in furry wound down a bit in university. I'd burned myself a bit too hard, hurt too many people, grew too jaded to take part. I still prowled around the usual haunts on the MUCKs, still poked my head in FFF, still looked at all the art, \href{https://adjectivespecies.com/2012/03/21/makyos-kaddish/}{but my heart wasn't in it anymore}. + +\begin{ally} +There was a reason behind this. There were people behind this. +\end{ally} +Well, true. I don't know how to square that with\ldots{}well, a lot of things. + +\begin{ally} +You don't know how to square that with how you felt about those people at the time. +\end{ally} +That's one aspect, yes. I also don't know how to square that with the fact that I was growing too jaded in a lot more than just furry. I grew jaded at school. I grew jaded at work. I struggled with my relationships. I struggled. + +\begin{ally} +You struggled with gender. +\end{ally} +Well, yes, but I wasn't quite ready to admit that, yet. + +\begin{ally} +You struggled with self harm. +\end{ally} +Yes. + +\begin{ally} +You struggled with the intersections, the interstices, and the liminal spaces. +\end{ally} +I was going to write about {[}a{]}{[}s{]}. Where are you taking me? + +\begin{ally} +Straight homeward to your symbol-essences. +\end{ally} +Shall I not die, then? + +\begin{ally} +Isn't that the point of writing? +\end{ally} +I'm pretty sure all our names are writ on water at this point. + +\begin{ally} +Come now. You wanted to be Keats when you grew up. +\end{ally} +You're in a mood. + +\begin{ally} +You're in a mood. +\end{ally} +Fine. + +Where are you taking me? + +\begin{ally} +Let {[}a{]}{[}s{]} speak for {[}a{]}{[}s{]}. Let yourself speak for yourself. +\end{ally} +Okay. +\newpage + +\begin{ally} +Who are you? +\end{ally} +I'm Madison Jesse Scott-Clary. + +\begin{ally} +What are you? +\end{ally} +I\ldots{}what? + +\begin{ally} +Who are you? +\end{ally} +I answered you. + +\begin{ally} +Tell me your names. +\end{ally} +I am Madison. I am Maddy. I am Makyo. + +\begin{ally} +No Sarai? No Happenstance, or Younes? +\end{ally} +Sarai could die. I couldn't be her. Happenstance was a coping mechanism for gender. Younes was\ldots{} + +\begin{ally} +Tell me about Younes, then. That's where you started going before, right? +\end{ally} +Yeah, though you've certainly changed the tenor of it. The mood. + +\begin{ally} +No one said this project would be easy. +\end{ally} +\newpage diff --git a/book/content/furry/margaras.tex b/book/content/furry/margaras.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..a4243ef --- /dev/null +++ b/book/content/furry/margaras.tex @@ -0,0 +1,4822 @@ +Matthew didn't end when I changed my name. Matthew ended September 14th, 2012. + +\begin{ally} +He died on the 6th. He just didn't know he was dead yet. +\end{ally} +May I post a log? + +\begin{ally} +You ask your ally for permission? +\end{ally} +Alright. + +Watch the process of moving on. +\newpage + +\begin{verbatim} +Koray arrives from the foyer. +Koray murmurs, "Margaras would come here, yes?" +Kuttas says, "Possible. Who's asking?" +Koray murmurs, "A bearer of bad news" +Kuttas doesn't like the sound of that. +Kuttas says, "What happened?" +Koray murmurs, "http://www.obitmichigan.com/Obituary/13660/Ryan-Abbott" +Koray murmurs, "Which is him, I believe" +Kuttas says, "Fuck." +MegaWolf blinks. +Paladin barks, "It does look like him, without the glasses." +Koray murmurs, "Sorry... I didn't mean to bring ya down" +Koray murmurs, "I just thought you should all know" +Kuttas says, "Thank you." +Vetiver blinks. +Vetiver quorks, "Gotta be kidding me." +Koray nods. "Also, http://www.furaffinity.net/user/margaras/ if you wanna say anything." +Srass says, "HOw did it happen?" +Koray waves. +MegaWolf -.- http://www.fox17online.com/news/fox17-ryan-abbott-soldier-from-grand-rapids-dies-in-washington-20120911,0,6686609.story +Koray teleports away. +Koray has left. +Paladin barks, "Well, that first web page does identify him by name. Wow, that sucks." +Himmel._. +Himmel says, "GOddammit." +Vetiver sighs. That's unbelievable. +Vetiver quorks, "Dammit." +Himmel says, "That... fucking sucks. ._." +Cain frowns so fucking hard +Kuttas says, "I'd noticed he hadn't been around in a while..." +Srass says, "Well, he was a little more scarce of late, but..." +Zhorah rumbles, "Wait, what happened?]\" +Srass says, "He was on as recently as 9/3." +Srass says, "Margaras died." +Himmel says, "It doesn't specify." +Kuttas says, "Car wreck." +MegaWolf growls softly, "He'd only started being active again in the past few years. -.-" +Zhorah rumbles, "o.o" +Himmel says, "A car wreck?" +Himmel says, "Seriously?" +Vetiver never met him in person, but he's been a friend here for over a decade. :( +Kuttas says, "Yeah" +Cain curls up, is no ofuckingkaywith this +MegaWolf growls softly, "I"ve pretty much known him ever since I've been here" +Kuttas says, "That's what the second link said." +MegaWolf squeezes Cain tightly. +Paladin is surprised that whoever wrote the first obituary knew his online name to include it. +Duelist growls quietly, "Oh fuck." +Kuttas misses that the first time through. +Dachande. Fuck :( That's just awful. +Himmel nods. +Zhorah hmmm +Cain hides in xane +Zhorah curls around Kuttas. +MegaWolf yips +Duelist rubs the back of his head. +Dralen acks, "That's awful. Wut..." +Cain doesn't know what to think. Margs was awesome. missing doesn't even begin to describe... +Vetiver is just kind of in shock. +Srass says, "I looked up the Michigan Patriot Guard. They sound pretty damn awesome." +Dachande. not really sure what to say about it, really lost someone good. +Vetiver hugs Dachande. :( +MegaWolf growls softly, "This is actually the first time someone close to me online has died, so I'm just... I don't know." +Dachande. hugs and holds. +Paladin barks, "We've had other furry deaths. Cyno, Furp ..." +MegaWolf growls softly, "I do wonder how many of the ones who quietly faded away are dead." +Paladin barks, "I would wager a few, Megs." +Cain nods to Xane and noses in as well. +MegaWolf growls softly, "Yeah, I'd barely even heard of Furp until he died. I guess he was really popular but I'd seen him on IRC a few times and that's it." +Vetiver knew Furp, but Margaras was much more of a presence here, so it hits harder. +Duelist growls quietly, "Yeah, Margs was a regular here." +Himmel says, "You don't know how you are?" +Dachande. says, "Yeah never knew Furp, Margs i've kown for a damn long time." +Himmel nudges Mega. +MegaWolf nips Himmel. +Srass says, "I've lost one other friend my own age, someone I knew in person, but somehow this hit harder." +Cain woofs, "it just feels unreal..." +Srass says, "Yeah, it does." +Himmel leans on Mega. +Dralen dated Cyno. Knew Margaras for years. Knew Kedri really well, +Vetiver wonders if Margaras ever met anyone from FM in person. I don't think he did. :/ +Kuttas says, "I keep thinking, I wish I'd gone to Seattle in January, like I'd planned." +You yerf, "Vetiver: Rustitobuck." +Kuttas says, "Equis." +Vetiver quorks, "Oh, good." +Cain woofs, "I'm trying to reach Equis right now" +Kuttas hehs. Left voicemail... c.c +Zhorah dun know anyone from here's number +Himmel says, "I texted him." +Himmel says, "And tweeted." +Kuttas says, "Well, hell. He's gonna have a lot of messages from us, apparently..." +JanusFox yips, "Wait... wtf..." +Kuttas pets Djirin, smiling a little. +JanusFox yips, "No :(" +JanusFox yips, "fuck." +Vetiver quorks, "Always thought he was a really nice guy. He seemed to be a little directionless for a few years, when he was pretty scarce around here, but joining the army seemed to change things for him." +Srass says, "He always seemed so fascinatingly enigmatic to me..." +Kuttas nods. +Srass says, "And he had one of the cooler names I ever ran across. Sanskrit for 'hunter.'" +Kuttas says, "Heh. I didn't know that." +Srass says, "He didn't either when he first picked it out -- I forget where he said he did find it." +Kuttas says, "He's one of the only people here I was immediately comfortable with." +MegaWolf chuckles softly. "And apparently he never updated his pinfo, since about 1999..." +MegaWolf growls softly, "I'd forgotten he wasn't always lynxy" +Srass says, "His prism cat form was pretty. :)" +Himmel says, "Srass: Rudyard Kipling." +Duelist growls quietly, "Oh I got something for that. Known Margs for years....right? Whitest guy in the world, I mean, ya know, look at the pic, right? Kept me in funk-drumming rhythms forever. I mean, funk drumming. Not kidding. He gave me, like 4 funk-drumming music books." +MegaWolf growls softly, "Yus. Now I remember it." +Kuttas says, "He mentioned a while back that he thought he should update it." +Vetiver quorks, "That's about when I first met him here." +JanusFox yips, "Is that really him? That's for sure him right?" +Vetiver quorks, "Yeah." +Duelist growls quietly, "You say enigmatic and I do not disagree, but man, that lynx was dynamic." +MegaWolf growls softly, "The birthday in his pinfo matches, too." +Himmel says, "The Michigan Obituary mentions him by name. Online." +Kuttas says, "The obituatry names him as 'Margaras'/" +JanusFox is stunned. +Vetiver thinks we all are. +Acy arrives from the foyer. +Acy barkbark. +Himmel is just... sad. +Acy nose MegaRuff; SpookyFox. +JanusFox yips, "He was too fucking nice to die :((" +Kuttas says, "Acy: http://tinyurl.com/92fgx2d" +Floid says, "It's almost like someone in training said 'this is what you're going to do with the rest of your life.'" +MegaWolf squeezes Acy real tight. +Acy says, "Wow, that's pretty fucked up.. o.o" +Kuttas says, "I'm glad he'll be buried with honors." +Himmel nods. +Eibon has left. +You yerf, "Not doing well with this, gonna sneak. Keep being excellent. Will stay and listen 'til I time out." +Cain hugs Makyos +Srass squeezes Makyo's shoulder. +Kuttas ruffles Makyo. +Floid whispers, "Floid extremehugs." to you. +Mundy says, "Looks like Equis got the message(s)." +Dralen nodnods, "He tweeted." +Acy snickers a little. "He drove out to Chicago not long after I broke up with my ex. We saw Mitch Hedberg." +Acy says, "Nothing about cause of death." +Srass says, "Car crash." +JanusFox yips, "Car accident with a guard shack at 5am." +Srass points to http://www.fox17online.com/news/fox17-ryan-abbott-soldier-from-grand-rapids-dies-in-washington-20120911,0,6686609.story +Acy says, "Oh." +JanusFox yips, "Whatever that means." +Srass says, "It could be anything. Sudden loss of consciousness, problem with his vehicle, swerving to avoid hitting something..." +Kuttas says, "http://tinyurl.com/8tgj9y7" +Srass says, "There's something gauche about putting 'more faces of meth' and 'a century of sex symbols' in a sidebar next to that article." +Acy says, "If it bleeds it leads!" +Srass says, "Fucking media." +Dachande. says, "That's local news for ya." +Dralen says deeply, "At 5am, eh? Probably fell asleep at the wheel." +Duelist growls quietly, "There is other news....it's just....strange." +JanusFox yips, "I will really, really miss that lynx." +Acy says, "Other strange news?" +Duelist - http://www.kirotv.com/news/news/soldier-killed-fiery-unexplained-crash-jblm-guard-/nR4ys/ +Duelist growls quietly, "It's...the first article before names were known and such" +Duelist growls quietly, "It's just bizarre." +Kuttas says, "10 Sep, they were still investigating." +Duelist growls quietly, "This is a 6 Sep article." +Floid says, "Maybe the NSA just decided to terminate their unnecessary furry-monitoring persona." +Malkoten blinkblinks? Margs? +Srass says, "Yeah." +Vetiver really hopes that wasn't a...deliberate crash. :( +Srass says, "Me too. o.o" +Malkoten not happy. :( +Acy says, "It very well could have been." +MegaWolf growls softly, "I don't like the first comment on that article." +Acy fallsover. +MegaWolf growls softly, "But it does make it seem more accidental" +Dachande. says, "First comment says that guard tower is easy to hit and has been before due to being poorly lit." +Kuttas says, "Jesus." +JanusFox yips, "At 4am after being on base, all he was thinking of was going home." +Duelist growls quietly, "I think he lived on base" +JanusFox yips, "Ah." +JanusFox yips, "He had access to firearms anyway... why chance it." +JanusFox yips, "Had to be an accident." +Cain woofs, "what the hell are you people talking about" +Dralen says deeply, "Margaras was killed in a car accident." +Kuttas says, "He lived in the barracks." +Cain woofs, "no, I mean the conspiracy type bs" +Cain woofs, "not the time to spin yarns" +Dachande. says, "From the video it looks to be a pretty shitty location for that building." +Kuttas says, "Most guard shacks are in bad places for a building." +Dachande. nods, "They are designed to be in the way. Bleh." +Floid says, "I just figure he would've enjoyed me keeping it weird." +Cain woofs, "yeah, well, I guess you're right... :/" +JanusFox sigh, "Fuck." +JanusFox changes a few array pointers around and ends up someplace else. +JanusFox has left. +Duelist growls quietly, "Well, we got, like 25 people here who come here regularly and each one is gonna handle something like this differently, so lets be respectful and not jump on one another." +Duelist growls quietly, "We're all gonna have a bit of a hair trigger for awhile." +Malkoten goes straight to denial *nodnods* +Vetiver snugs Malkoten. +Cain is just reallyunhappyisall +Himmel puts an arm 'round Cain. +Srass says, "You're not alone." +Kuttas says, "Heh. He -was- my MOS series. 94Y." +KurtMRufa headshakes. +Kuttas sighs. +Dralen smooches on Kuttas and cuddles him and Srass together, stroking backs and shoulders. +Srass squeezes Dralen. +Kuttas hugs Dralen and Srass. +Dachande. Huh, sunofabitch woot has a good deal on a damascan steal santoku +Dralen is extra super sleepy after an incredibly elaborate Izakaya dinner tonight. "Time for sleep, folkses." +Srass says, "Sleep well." +Kuttas says, "Rest well." +Djirin slinks to bed as well. gooses about +Djirin has left. +Dralen says deeply, "Also, if you ever get the chance for lobster sashimi. Take it." +Dralen meeps and flees. +Dralen swishes his tail, and is gone. +Dralen has left. +Kyhwana arrives from the foyer. +Kyhwana mrps and noses Srass "What happened? :( +Vetiver quorks, "Margaras died last week." +Duelist growls quietly, "I think its time for a drink." +Kia says, "..." +Kyhwana guessed as much, what happened? :( +Srass says, "He apparently drove into an abandoned guard shack. They're still trying to figure out why." +Kyhwana ohs "Damn. +Kyhwana curls up on Srass and whipmers +MegaWolf nuzzles Kyhwana +Srass hugs Kyhwana. +Malkoten nods, pretty much the reaction everyone is having. +Kyhwana nuzzles back. +Vetiver quorks, "Just seems unreal somehow." +Duelist growls quietly, "It does!" +Duelist got no idea what to do or say or anything. +Srass nods. +Srass says, "Duelist's right. This does call for a drink." +Himmel says, "There's nothing to do or say." +Mundy says, "Equis is probably a dozen drinks ahead of everyone" +Kuttas says, "I know what to say. He was a damned fine man, a damned good friend, and I'm going to miss him like hell." +Vetiver nods. +Srass says, "Equis is a dozen drinks ahead of everyone on a good day." +Srass nods to Kuttas. +Himmel says, "I feel the same way. But I can't imagine anyone here -doesn't-." +Duelist growls quietly, "Yeah, but this is sucky and tragic and un-called for." +Srass nods. +Duelist growls quietly, "That's kinda the problem with a crowd like this tho, ya know a 'relatively new' population...." +Duelist growls quietly, "I mean, it's gonna be 50-60 years before we say 'awww yeah, but he was 96 years old, it was his time' kinda thing." +Srass nods. "This was wrong. It was far too early." +Himmel says, "It's always too early." +Kyhwana bleh, shouldn't have just chekced his logs. +Srass says, "Your logs?" +Kyhwana purrrs, "MUCK logs." +Kyhwana purrrs, "Well, technically it's a single log." +Kuttas says, "Equis just said a few minutes ago that he needed a drink now." +Himmel is going to go to bed. He's sad. He'll feel sad for a while. +Kuttas hugs Himmel. "Rest well, cat." +Himmel says, "You, too, Yena, when you do." +Himmel winks out of sight in the sparkling glow of a space/time rift. +Himmel has left. +Mundy wants to see his toothycat now. :P +Zhorah doesn't know how to feel +Duelist growls quietly, "Well, a lot of us are probably rather numb at the moment." +Kuttas will probably be grepping logs before long. Remembering what good times got recorded. +Duelist growls quietly, "Hence the whole 'I dunno what to do, say, feel' thing...." +Kyhwana does, he's sad! +MegaWolf thinks he should go to bed. +Kyhwana snugs MW +Cain is going to go sleep too. Coughing worse the later he stays up +1) Duelist 2 days ago -- Fallout IRL! +2) Makyo Today -- Margaras +Use 'read 'to list a message. Use 'read ' to list +messages with a keyword. Use 'read -' to read the next message. +Done. +MegaWolf squeezes Kyhwana extra tight +2) Makyo Today -- Margaras +From: Makyo 22:26:18 09/14/12 PDT + +For those who do not yet know, Margaras passed away in a car accident on Sept. 6, and folks in the PN were notified Sept 14. Here is the obituary: http://www.obitmichigan.com/Obituary/13660/Ryan-Abbott +Personal bit, please feel free to skip --- +He's one of those people that helped raise me in a way. Not intentionally, of course, but in the way of an older friend, sort of like how I imagine an older brother helps to raise younger siblings. Just sort of accidentally leading the way without really knowing any better. I never had older siblings, and circumstances of my childhood and adolecense led me to seek out those who could play that role. +I don't really know what that means about me, to be honest, that I sought out such a connection in such a place. I think I've always craved someone in that role, of course, and having leadership more ready to admit fallabilty than my parents felt...refreshing, comforting, something. Not that everyone's ready to admit fallability, but the ability to even talk about changes in life, even if they're for the negative, really adds a lot more human-ness, a lot more personality to someone in a guiding role than either of my parents offered when I was growing up. +Anyway, I'm so glad for the time I had with him. I'm sad now, sure, but I'll always remember him happily. Remember singing "K A L A M A Z O Oh what a gaaaal...in Kalamazoooo" at him in high school when my choir sang that song, remember talking about music and all the day to day things in life. There are a lot of people who fit into this role for me, and I'll be sad to see every one of them leave, no matter how they do so, but for tonight, cheers, Margaras. +All my love. + +Done. +Cain noses on Xane +MegaWolf kisses Cain's nose, snouts Makyo +Kuttas hugs Makyo. +Makyo snootles folk, ahem. REALLY goes to bed now :o) +Cain teleports away. +Cain has left. +Zhorah feels bad about memories he does have +Rigel has connected. +Rigel oopses. +Rigel winks out of sight in the sparkling glow of a space/time rift. +Rigel has left. +Malken has disconnected. +MegaWolf has disconnected. +KurtMRufa teleports away. +KurtMRufa has left. +Somewhere on the muck, KurtMRufa has disconnected. +Sturgis arrives from the foyer. +Duelist whips out his hockey stick. He 'skates' up to a sleeper, winds up and lets a slapshot go! +MegaWolf is sent home. +MegaWolf has left. +Malken raises a warding finger, and says serenly,"Do not bother, I can provide my own transportation." He then disappears in a swirl of darkness. +Malken has left. +Acy has disconnected. +Acy has connected. +Acy urph. +Kyhwana noses Acy +Acy rubs Kyhwana behind the ears. +Kyhwana mewls +Acy has disconnected. +Duelist bedtime! G'nite all +Duelist goes home. +Duelist has left. +Sturgis winks out of sight in the sparkling glow of a space/time rift. +Sturgis has left. +Kyhwana loafs all over Srass +Srass petpets catloaf. +Kyhwana purrup +Dachande. going to go to bed as well, good night ya'll. +Dachande. teleports away. +Dachande. has left. +Zhorah has disconnected. +Vetiver goes home. +Vetiver has left. +Zhorah has connected. +Zhorah back +Zhorah has connected. +Zhorah has connected. +Zhorah has disconnected. +Zhorah has disconnected. +Kuttas' beer is being most uncooperative. +Srass says, "How so?" +Kuttas says, "Well, to start with, it's not a twist top. Then, the it broke my bottle opener. Then, the bottle opener on my leatherman wouldn't fit." +Kuttas says, "In the end, though, it turns out there's a second bottle opener on the leatherman that -does- fit." +Srass says, "That's one stubborn beer." +Srass says, "A second bottle opener...?" +Kuttas says, "Yeah." +Kuttas says, "This is the SOG folding multitool they issued me at my last duty station in the Army. Apparently, they meant business when it came to beer. c.c" +Srass says, "Damn. o.o" +Kuttas drinks to Lynx. +Malkoten rumbles, "I think that I am off to bed. G'night folks." +Srass says, "'Night." +Kuttas says, "Good night." +Kuttas says, "Rest well." +Malkoten will do. +Malkoten winks out of sight in the sparkling glow of a space/time rift. +Malkoten has left. +Kyhwana ponders cracking a beer even though he was hung over most of today +Srass emails Kyhwana a Negra Modelo. +Kuttas faxes an Alaskan Oatmeal Stout. The long distance charges are worth it. c.c +Srass mmms, oatmeal stout. -.- +Kyhwana mmms +Kuttas hand-delivers one to Srass. +Srass oohs! :3 +Singe arrives from the foyer. +Fiend Plushie bounds in after Singe. +Singe slinks, sprawls. +Srass raises a glass to departed cats, and drinks. +Kuttas raises, taps on the table, and drinks deeply. +Zhorah has disconnected. +Srass says, "I've heard it said that everybody's tastes are different." +Kuttas gives exactly 0d0+0 fucks. He likes it. +> Kuttas rolls 0d0+0 and gets for a result of 0. +Kuttas points. "That many." +Srass says, "We really don't need any more deaths around here. :-P" +Kyhwana has some weird fruit sour beer thing in the fridge. +Srass says, "Like a lambic or something?" +Kyhwana purrrs, "Except brewed here.." +Srass aahs. +Singe growls, "Margaras died? :(" +Srass says, "Yeah." +Kuttas says, "Singe: http://tinyurl.com/92fgx2d" +Singe growls, "jeez" +Singe growls, "what happened? :(" +Kuttas says, "Early morning single-vehicle wreck. Collided with a building." +Singe sighs. +Singe growls, "feeling more and more lucky by the da" +Singe growls, "day" +Kyhwana didn't follow him on twitter or vice versa, so can't see his tweets :( +Srass says, "His last post on LiveJournal has a really jawdroppingly gorgeous picture in it, though." +Somewhere on the muck, Tigerwolf has disconnected. +Paladin barks, "Of himself?" +Kuttas says, "Whose?" +Srass |http://i104.photobucket.com/albums/m170/margaras/Vacation-Jun2012/TwinFalls1.jpg +Srass says, "Of where he went on vacation, apparently." +Kuttas ahs. +Kuttas says, "Firefox is being retarded, trying to load it via HTTPS. This is pissing me off." +Kuttas says, "Yeah, that's a nice photo..." +Srass says, "Well. What an unbelievably shitty way to start a weekend." +Kuttas hugs Srass and leans. +Srass hugs Kuttas. +Srass says, "Okay, I'm going to have to go to sleep, whether I like the idea or not. Good night, gentlemen." +Kyhwana snugs Srass "Night +Srass hugs Kyhwana. +Srass steps behind a molecule. +Srass has left. +Kyhwana lifts up the rug and pushes all the sleepers under it.. he jumps on it a few times and the rug goes flat +Acy is sent home. +Acy has left. +Zhorah is sent home. +Zhorah has left. +Singe leans on Paladin. +Paladin cuddles Singe softly. "Have some pizza." +Singe growls, "saving it for tomorrow night" +Singe growls, "don't feel like sectioning olives right now" +Paladin just got some now! You can have some of his! +Singe eats. +Paladin barks, "Nom nom nom!" +Singe earperks. "someone made A Wrinkle In Time into a graphic novel. ._." +Scruff arrives from the foyer. +Scruff sneaks in +Kyhwana picks up Scruff and puts him in his lap and petpets +Scruff dangles, briefly, then nestles in against leopardtummy +Scruff halfcurls against one of Kyh's paws +Kyhwana petpets Scruff some more and sighs +Scruff mrow? What's up? +Kyhwana points at the board? +Scruff ;.; +Kuttas says, "I think I'm gonna go to bed." +Kuttas says, "Try to have a good night, friends." +Kyhwana snugs Kuttas too "Night +Kuttas hugs. +Kuttas sneakyhyenas into the shadows. c.c +Kyhwana ruffles scruff headfur +Scruff wriggles a bit closer against the leopardkitty. "It's really not fair, he was such a nice guy!" +Kyhwana nods.. +Felder arrives from the foyer. +Felder whuffles to all +Kyhwana purrrs, "Hey Felder" +Felder mindsends, "Hi Kyh" +Felder flops onto a seat and sighs out +Scruff pads over to Felder, winds around his legs +Felder hugs on Scruff tight +Scruff has disconnected. +Scruff has connected. +Scruff bites his connection. +Scruff pads over to Feldy, winds around his legs +Felder hugs on Scruff again +Scruff nosebumps pn0y and leopardkitty, sneaks out for a bit. Gotta head into London for a few hours! +Scruff teleports away. +Scruff has left. +Felder winks out of sight in the sparkling glow of a space/time rift. +Felder has left. +Kyhwana erfs +Zeph arrives from the foyer. +Zeph rowr. +Kyhwana snugs Zephs +ZeitOtter arrives from the foyer. +ZeitOtter actually lives though he's been gone for nearly half a year +Kyhwana purrrs, "Hey Zeit" +ZeitOtter says, " so many new faces other than Singe. " snickers " and Mundy as well as Floid. " teases " Oldies. "" +Kyhwana noses Zeit at the board. And Zeph too. +Zeph hugs him some Kyhmew! +ZeitOtter says, " So what's been going on eh? " +Kyhwana clings to Zephs +ZeitOtter says, " Heh, lovely" +Singe rolls his eyes somehow. +Kyhwana eyes Singes eyes +Singe growls, "Margaras died. :(" +Zeph mews, "Wait, what?" +Kyhwana nods +Singe growls, "I am told it was a car accident." +Kyhwana ers "Makyo's post on the board. +Zeph mrf. No more lynx. +JanusFox arrives from the foyer. +Zeph squeezes on SpookyFox. +JanusFox hugs Zeph. +ZeitOtter has disconnected. +Mundy has disconnected. + +You have been logged out due to inactivity. +% Connection to furry closed by foreign host. +\end{verbatim} +\newpage + +\begin{verbatim} +% Trying to connect to furry: 74.207.243.108 8889. +% Connected to furry. +#$#mcp version: "2.1" to: "2.1" +Welcome to + _____ _ _ _ _ _ __ _ , SM + / ' ' ) ) ) ' ) / / ) ' ) / + ,-/-, . . __ __ __ , / / / / / / /-< + (_/ (_/_/ (_/ (_/ (_/ / ' (_ (__/ (__/ / ) + / + ' + The first 99 & 44/100% anthropomorphic/Furry TinyMu* + +(The SM means that FurryMuck is a Service Mark of the FurryMuck Wizards) +To connect to your existing character, type "connect ". +To receive a new character, send mail to join@furrymuck.com +To see the latest news, type "news" after connecting to a character. +To disconnect from a character, type "QUIT". +Use the WHO command to find out who is currently online. +Use the 'whereare' command to find places with active people. +Use the 'wizzes' command to see what Wizards are on line, or the 'helpstaff' + command to see who of the help staff is on. +Use "connect guest guest" to visit FurryMUCK as a guest. +All users of FurryMuck are bound by our AUP. "NEWS AUP" to read this document. +---- + +Sadly, FurryMuck has lost one of its own. + +S'A'Alis, May 29, 1963 -- September 5, 2012, the Large Furry Marsupial, and a +member of the L'Drey, a space-faring, fox-like species. He was never without his +'Eternally Filled Highly Caffeinated Coffee Mug of Doom'. From 1993 - 1999, +S'A'Alis hosted the servers that FurryMUCK ran on, and was a character creation +wizard 1993-2001. Condolences can be sent to his beloved wife, IceWolf: + +M. Vogt, W5910 Genske Road, Black Creek, WI 54106 + +Life is eternal, and love is immortal, +and death is only a horizon; +and a horizon is nothing save the limit of our sight. + -Rossiter Worthington Raymond + +---- +Apartment.(#51076RLJA) +More of a studio or loft than anything this apartment has had all separating walls removed except for those protecting the privacy of those engaging in bathroomly behaviors.. Nestled in one corner is a kitchenette type thing with an island counter for eating. Along an opposite wall are large picture windows, at the base of which a low platform surrounding two mattresses set next to each other on the ground, creating a sort of soft spot in the floor to serve as a ginormous bed type thing, with a few comfortors and loads of pillows tossed in to complete the image. +Contents: +BUTTON: He Who's Ears Are Upon Him(#51757) +Macchi +Ranna's Tails(#58415X) +Fluffy pink ribbon for Astarael's decidedly fluffy tails +Makyo stretches out and yawns toothily, shaking Makyo's fur out. +Players online for whom you are watching: +Danish Makyo Taxus +Done. +The next scheduled database save will be in 24 mins, 14 secs. +You place a strategic call to one deity or another. +Makyo disappears in a puff of complacency. +Purple Nurple Foyer(#52464RLJ) +You step in through the door and into a cramped foyer. Advertising +posters plaster the walls and there's another door right in front +of you (east). The door is padded purple vinyl, studded in a diamond +pattern. This is the Purple Nurple, Furrymuck's gay/les/bi nightclub +and meeting place. Feel free to come on in if you are straight too.. we +don't bite (unless you ask nicely ;) There is a sign on the wall next to +the door and a notice where the computer used to be, saying that it's now +in the main room. +Players inside the Nurple: + TealFox Floid MegaWolf Srass + White_Fox Cain JanusFox Singe +[Exits: to the Purple Nurple to Sable Street] +Contents: +Polo +PN RULES : READ THIS TO BE ABLE TO ENTER +You enter the PN +Makyo disappears in a puff of complacency. +The Purple Nurple +You are in the Purple Nurple, furry's premier gay/les/bi spot. +The room is large, a converted warehouse - the ceiling's +about fifty feet above the crowded floor. An entire suspended +lighting grid swivels back and forth in the middle of the room, +rigged with a complex array of lights, lasers and mirrors. +The overall effect is of an alien spacecraft hovering about twenty +feet over the dance floor. Huge projection wall-screens flicker +images of furries dancing, clips from anime movies, computer +graphics reels and old cartoons. The music is loud, thumping +techno and house, bass thundering through the gyrating furries +on the dance floor. +To one side is a lounge area, acoustically out of the main thrust +of the speaker stacks allowing normal conversation. A bar with +every drink known is along the wall of the lounge, and +the floor is scattered with heavy-duty beanbag chairs, funky couches, +and other assorted furnishings, all roomy enough for at least two furs. +A small staircase leads up to the Nurple Apartments. +Contents: +TealFox +Floid +MegaWolf +Srass +White_Fox +Cain +JanusFox +Fiend Plushie +Singe +All complaints --> Rigel +NURPLE ADULT/PG POLICIES ****** PLEASE READ +Bulletin Board +You whisper, "Makyo hugs on fox." to TealFox. +Miko arrives from the foyer. +Makyo nuzz on SQRL. +Miko fluffs the foxyfluff. +TealFox whispers, "TealFox hugs tightly. :(" to you. +You whisper, "Makyo leans in against, squeeze. Rrf." to TealFox. +White_Fox has connected. +White_Fox has disconnected. +Singe hugs Miko! +Miko squeezes Singe! +Singe growls, "poor margaras :(" +TealFox whispers, "TealFox just got the news a little bit ago... still shaken," to you. +JanusFox sighs, "Yah poor guy :( +Cain curls up tight on xane again +Miko chatters, "What, huh?" +Miko o.o +TealFox knew him before either of us were in the fandom. I ... yeah. no words right now. Just tears, +You whisper, "Makyo nods and nuzz at. Little torn upabout it." to TealFox. +1) Duelist 2 days ago -- Fallout IRL! +2) Makyo Today -- Margaras +Use 'read 'to list a message. Use 'read ' to list +messages with a keyword. Use 'read -' to read the next message. +Done. +You yerf, "Miko: read 2" +Cain holds Teal close +Miko cries. +TealFox whispers, "TealFox nods. yeah, me too." to you. +TealFox snugs Miko too +Miko hugs TealFox! +Srass says, "That was a nice post, by the way, Makyo." +Singe nods. +You yerf, "Spelled fallibility wrong twice :o)" +White_Fox erfs. :/ +You yerf, "Oh well." +Srass says, "We know what'cha mean." +You yerf, "I started coming around here when I was 14. You all mean quite a bit to me." +TealFox snugs Makyo. "Intent comes through. " +Singe growls, "I think I was 16 when I first showed up here." +Singe growls, "Maybe 17" +FoxLord arrives from the foyer. +FoxLord waves +Srass waves +FoxLord snugsa Tealfoxie +Singe mmhs. +Srass says, "I wish I could've grown up here like that. I think I would've ended up less screwed up." +MegaWolf growls softly, "I think I'm still in denial." +Cain nods and noses at Xane ears +MegaWolf muzzlerubs Cain, squeezes more. +TealFox didnt really start discovering my self until late...i didnt come out until like 23... and didnt find the fandom till almost 30. i knew Margaras pre fandom on some of the IRC chat channels. :/ +White_Fox murrs, "I met margsy right after meeting Malky. " +White_Fox murrs, "Whl happened to be local :) Good peoples" +White_Fox murrs, "Miss him. :/" +Pyat arrives from the foyer. +Pyat squeaks +JanusFox yips, "It's just so sudden. And he's usually around so often." +Somewhere on the muck, Taxus has disconnected. +Singe growls, "yeah" +Pyat squeaks unhappily. Margaras? +Cain woofs, "Margs gave me a good bit of selfconfidence in areas I really didn't have. It'll always be a good memory for me" +Somewhere on the muck, Vikki_Fox has connected. +FoxLord barks, "what happened to marg?" +Singe growls, "car crash" +FoxLord barks, "No." +Pyat thinks Margaras' family would be glad to know people are coming together to remember him in odd places +"Physics," Floid summarizes. +FoxLord snorts +Pyat has left. +Polo arrives from the foyer. +Singe growls, "jackal" +JanusFox yips, "I wonder if they'll ever figure out what happened." +Miko watches yesterday's QI on Margy's behalf. +Singe likes QI. +Floid says, "So, uh, did anyone tell Paf?" +Srass dunno Paf. +KurtMRufa arrives from the foyer. +Singe hasn't talked to Esel in ages. +Srass hugs Kurt. +KurtMRufa nosenoses on Srass. +Somewhere on the muck, Herefox has connected. +White_Fox has disconnected. +Rommel arrives from the foyer. +Rommel yips, "Good Morning." +Srass says, "Morning." +Duelist arrives from the foyer. +Dachande. arrives from the foyer. +Duelist chrp. +Dachande. enters! for a chane. +Dachande. g +Srass earscritches Duelist. +Duelist licks Srass! +TealFox mrf +MegaWolf noses D&D +Polo yaaaawns and picks up Rommel to flop on Dachande. +Rommel yips? "Oh! Good morning Polo." +Dachande. wheeze squeaks from all the weight on him. +Polo is very light, though the fennec's a bit tubby ;) +MegaWolf fluffs Rommel +Polo says, "Wrecked today, had a bilobial migraine. x.x" +Rommel Sticks an ice pick into Polos ear to make it feel better? +Rommel has been fortunate. I once had an "Ocular Migraine". the Funny lights without the pain. +Polo says, "Oh, it's gone, but left me exhausted." +Rommel Ahs and removes the Ice pick then. :) +TealFox has disconnected. +Cain is gonna run +Cain hugs around +Cain teleports away. +Cain has left. +Polo says, "Oh, I get those fairly often, or other single-focus ones. This, alas, was my entire brain spazzing out. Like an electric storm... random memories, talking nonsense to myself, sounds, lights and much much much pain." +Polo says, "I get them very rarely." +TealFox has connected. +TealFox winks out of sight in the sparkling glow of a space/time rift. +TealFox has left. +Puc arrives from the foyer. +Puc mewfs. Morning +Srass says, "Morning." +Makyo swish. +Duelist licks you! +Miko picks Puc up and applies pettings. +You lick Duelist! +Himmel arrives from the foyer. +Himmel flops. +You yerf, "Cats." +Puc mrarfs, droops, soaks up squirrel lovins. "Hey :)" +Miko pets Himmel with Puc. +Rommel yips, "I am sorry to hear that. I have known several people RL that get shut down by them completely." +Himmel curls up to Miko. +Miko puts an arm around Himmel and sits Puc on his other shoulder. +Puc chuckles and leans against whosever neck is closest. +Somewhere on the muck, Tigerwolf has connected. +MegaWolf has disconnected. +Polo snuggles up with Rommel the eardog, and gently noms his ears, "How are you keeping, trouble? :)" +Rommel is doing well. Has been slow week. Which is good I suppose. +Polo says, "Opposite of me then." +Polo says, "I would like a slow week soon :)" +Srass has disconnected. +Makyo wrf, disc golf time. +Puc wanna go disc golfing! +Duelist growls quietly, "Fox on a golf course!" +Duelist has seen that somewhere before.... +KurtMRufa has disconnected. +KurtMRufa has connected. +KurtMRufa makyonose. +Kia arrives from the foyer. +Himmel says, "Morning, Kia." +JanusFox has had foxes following him during golf, but that's a different matter. +Himmel says, "Or, well." +Himmel says, "Afternoon, for you." +Duelist whips out his hockey stick. He 'skates' up to a sleeper, winds up and lets a slapshot go! +MegaWolf is sent home. +MegaWolf has left. +Srass is sent home. +Srass has left. +White_Fox is sent home. +White_Fox has left. +Kia says, "..." +Himmel says, "Oh, don't start this." +Floid makes IT housecall now. Whee. +Floid has disconnected. +Mundy arrives from the foyer. +Malkoten arrives from the foyer. +Malkoten yawns +FoxLord mmms Disc Golf +Mundy gooses Duelist! +Duelist O.O +Mundy :O +Puc headbutts FoxLord! +JanusFox yips, "Sounds like something I'd play on a C64." +Somewhere on the muck, TealFox has connected. +Rei_Ayanami arrives from the foyer. +Mundy pets TIGRSKNK belly. +Rommel nods hello to Rei +Mundy says, "What. http://imgur.com/gallery/fPjAx " +KurtMRufa metalyawns. +Rei_Ayanami waves in greetings. +Himmel has such a headache. +KurtMRufa puts on some Hearts of Space. +Wildcard arrives from the foyer. +Wildcard waves. +Duelist stretches! +Miko chatters, "Well, that didn't take long. Obsidian Entertainment put up a Kickstarter for a new RPG in the style of Baldur's Gate, Planescape: Torment, Icewind Dale, et al, asking for a whopping $1.1M, less than 24 hours ago, and looks like they'll hit the target within the hour." +Miko chatters, "Two people (including Notch) have gone for the $10,000 pledge." +KurtMRufa remarks, "So how does this thing work? Do you get your money back at some point?" +Miko chatters, "You get backer rewards depending on how much you kicked in. The typical one being "you get a copy of whatever we're making" for $10-20." +Miko chatters, "In that instance it basically works as a preorder.. except with no actual guarantee that the project's going to be finished and the thing is going to exist. So sort of halfway between a charity and and a preorder." +KurtMRufa remarks, "Oh, okay. And if they don't make it, well, it's what it is." +Miko chatters, "A lot of people do seem to be very keen to pitch in to try and get that thing they want that nobody makes any more made. There's usually lower options as well, throw in a couple of bucks and get the mp3 soundtrack and an exclusive 1920x1080 wallpaper image, buy the thing when it comes out." +Miko chatters, "I wish there was a "shut up and take my money now" option, though, the "we'll pull the money from your account when the pledge target is hit" system has caused a big wodge to come out of my daily-use account two months later when I've just gotten bills in the mail a few times so far." +Somewhere on the muck, Azure has connected. +Azure arrives from the foyer. +Azure prowls in. +Azure picks each sleeper up-- it must be some trick of perspective-- to slip into his pocket. That can't be right, can it? +Floid is sent home. +Floid has left. +Rommel winks out of sight in the sparkling glow of a space/time rift. +Rommel has left. +Duelist pets a tinytinyfox! +Azure noses up against Duelists's hand. +Azure yips, "Good morning." +Duelist growls quietly, "Hello foxy!" +Samanthia arrives from the foyer. +Samanthia slinks in. Rar. +Samanthia pets Azure and SKNK. +Azure yips, "Hello, Black 'n WHite." +Mundy gets a present from digikey in the mail. +Azure hugs Samanthia, "Hello, Kirin." +Malkoten winks out of sight in the sparkling glow of a space/time rift. +Malkoten has left. +Somewhere on the muck, MegaWolf has connected. +Ryan arrives from the foyer. +Samanthia says, "How is small blue fox?" +Azure yips, "I'm doing fairly well, thank you." +Azure yips, "I think I'm going to go to Meijer's." +MegaWolf arrives from the foyer. +MegaWolf strokes Azure's ears +Samanthia okays. +KurtMRufa mmfs. Interesting stuff. +Azure slinkso ver and noses MegaWolf, "Guten Tag." +Duelist growls quietly, "So how is folks doing today? Coping?" +Samanthia yawns and is engaged in server migration. +Puc has disconnected. +Mundy rubs TIGRSKNK. +MegaWolf growls softly, "Still kind of numb" +Kia has disconnected. +Malken arrives from the foyer. +Malken lies down on a couch +Azure yips, "KI'm alright." +Duelist kinda numb too. Unsure of how to deal.... +Duelist growls quietly, "Plus didn't sleep good last night." +JanusFox hears that. +JanusFox yips, "It has pretty good closure though I wish it had more, somehow." +Mundy licks Duelist! +Mundy ponders ordering a switch machine.. +Malken waves to Mundy +Mundy licks Malken! +MegaWolf always has nightmares so he can't really judge his mental state by his dreams. +Duelist growls quietly, "I was pondering if we shouldn't schedule smething, ya know, in here, just a sort of....I dunno, chance to say something and listen and all that." +Wildcard winks out of sight in the sparkling glow of a space/time rift. +Wildcard has left. +Darkness suddenly appears by Rei. +Rei_Ayanami meeps a little, then touches shoulders with the Darkness. +Darkness smiles. +Samanthia watches progress bars. Grump. +Milehighyena arrives from the foyer. +Milehighyena seeks the techies. +Somewhere on the muck, TealFox has disconnected. +Darkness says, "What kind of tech.." +Milehighyena cackles, "I need a new MP3 player. my RCA has been great, but it has taken some bad abuse in my pocket at work. the case is cracked and held together with tape. " +Darkness says, "Allright." +Darkness says, "Price Range?" +Duelist growls quietly, "Duh, an iPod, of course" +Milehighyena cackles, "I need a new one with a decent color screen so I can look at my pr0n. for under fity dollars." +Duelist growls quietly, "Might as well buy from the company that invented the mp3 and music." +Mundy starts prototyping MSMVs +Azure yips, "Franhaufer?" +Milehighyena cackles, "looking around at places, i see a lot of cheap by some brand named Coby. Anyone ever heard of them? Sandisk?" +Milehighyena cackles, "i'd love to replace this little RCA, but thety discontinued this model. maybe because it was too thin and flimsy." +Miko listenin' to The Eels - "Last Stop: This Town." o/~ You're dead, but the world keeps spinning.. o/~ Take a spin through the world you left o/~ It's getting dark a little too early o/~ Are you missing the dearly bereft? o/~ +MegaWolf yawns softly, and curls up in his beanbag. +Darkness says, "Id say Sony, but they are a little more expensive. " +Reveille arrives from the foyer. +Samanthia pets Reveille. +Reveille noses Samanthia. +Malken waves to the long lung dragon +Reveille nods at Malken. +Malken hasn't seen that dragon in a while +Samanthia says, "How is noodle dragon?" +Darkness rummages through her bag and grabs a bag of o-, stabs a straw into it and drains it. +Reveille is doing well. +Scruff arrives from the foyer. +Scruff sneaks in, an up into Duelist's lap +Malken waves to little Scruff! +Milehighyena summons a recognizer, who pickes up the sleepers. "It's the Games for you, Programs!" +Kia is sent home. +Kia has left. +Puc heads to the sweeper's home to bang their mother. +Puc has left. +Scruff miaows hi to the sofalion +Azure bows, "Mr. Scruff. +Duelist pets CHTA +Malken hasn't seen Scruff for a while, either. +Scruff nosetouches the littlebluefoxy, lightly +Samanthia pets Reveille more. +Scruff curls around bigstrongskunkpaw +Reveille rrrhs and arches under Samanthia's petting. She blinks at Duelist. Skunk? O_o +Duelist is! +MegaWolf kisses Scruffnose +Malken thinks skunk Duelist is handsome +Duelist grins! Well skunks do, ya know, have that whole black/white formal thing goin' on +MegaWolf growls softly, "Studmephit." +Malken nods "indeed. and such a muscular one" +Duelist grins. +Duelist growls quietly, "Genetics! >;)" +MegaWolf nips Duelist just a lil' +Scruff chirps, "And luxuriously fluffy tail!" +Duelist growls quietly, "Well that's genetics too" +Darkness looks over her shouler. Absent tail.. Hmm. +Miko listens to Grandaddy and has a bit of a cry. +Milehighyena has disconnected. +Azure has been mildly in love with The Fiery Furnaces for the last few days. +Rei_Ayanami has left. +Scruff wriggles a bit, settling +Duelist stretches out! +Scruff snuffles into skunkbellyfur +Mundy chews on wires. +Samanthia oops. +Azure goes off to Meijer's. +Azure turns and runs away, disappearing in an azure-edged silver flash. +Azure has left. +Somewhere on the muck, Azure has disconnected. +Polo wakes up from passing out again. x.x +Samanthia has disconnected. +Samanthia has connected. +Samanthia beats on networking stuffs. OKay. Time to scoot. Shouldn't be connected while re-arrangign the tuuuuubes. +Samanthia pets a noodle dragon and absconds. +Samanthia teleports away. +Samanthia has left. +Reveille leans against where Samanthia was, and falls over. +Dachande. Woo house clean at 11am. +Polo sniffs Reveille. +Scruff sits in the middle of D&D's livingroom, looks untidy ^-^ +Reveille smells dragonny. +Kia arrives from the foyer. +Dachande. Rarrrrg, damn cats! +Polo earperks and looks around. +Scruff chirps, "A bit like this - http://farm8.staticflickr.com/7238/7344470384_47570f82cb_z.jpg" +Reveille growls, "Fluffy!" +Mundy licks Dachande.! +Dachande. licks Mundy! +Himmel | http://www.afterelton.com/poll/2012/09/ultimate-slash-madness-tourney-round-four +Himmel says, "Vote Destiel, guys. C'mon. You know you want to." +MegaWolf omgchta +Mundy studies his prototype vs. schematic.. Grrr.. +Somewhere on the muck, Vikki_Fox has disconnected. +Dachande. thinking time for shower. +Mundy rebuilds.. >.< +Scruff shower later! New Doctor Who in 18min! +Dachande. says, "For you. I haven't even seen the ones prior to it, need to get on the torrents." +Danish arrives from the foyer. +Scruff miaows hi to the pastry-in-disguise +Danish tousles Scrufff and fluff and squirrel and cats. +Dachande. says, "Don't have HD BBC not going to watch a LD 9x6 on 4x3 with boarders." +Scruff nodnods, internets be useful there +Dachande. nodnods. +Dachande. Sweaty n stink of house dirt, shower now. :) +Makyo mrrrp. +Scruff awwfox. Hugsfox. +Duelist licks you! +Makyo snoooof at Danish and Scruff and Duelist. +Duelist growls quietly, "Makyo, that was a beautiful write-up on the board." +You yerf, "Mrrf. Thanks." +Makyo likes so many of you so much :| +Kia has disconnected. +Danish winces. +Danish lows, "Fuck." +Danish teleports away. +Danish has left. +You page-pose, "Makyo nuzz. Alright?" to Danish +Duelist pets upon foxish. +(p) In a page-pose to you, Danish hugs. +Makyo nuzz upon skunk. +MegaWolf kisses Makyo's nose 'gain. +Makyo snf, smooch at woof. +Somewhere on the muck, Danish has disconnected. +Scruff clambers up, stretches out on the bar +Danish arrives from the foyer. +Polo didn't know the person, but bereavement sucks, so condolences to the bereaved that are present. +Miko hugs Danish! Whitcomb jumps into Miko's arms and murrs loudly. +You hug Danish! He jumps into your arms and murrs loudly. +Scruff nuzzles Danish! +Danish snugs back. +FoxLord barks, "that...just fucking sucks/" +Danish whispers, "I don't wanna be all dramatic and shit but I am crying my goddamned eyes out. >.< *hugs*" to you. +Scruff nods. It does indeed, a great deal. +You whisper, "Makyo squeezes around, "S'okay. That was me last night and this morning."" to Danish. +Scruff chirps! +Kia is sent home. +Kia has left. +Milehighyena mutters as he is forced to leave. "...time is up, the song is over. Thought I'd something more to say." +Milehighyena has left. +Miko murmurs, "So it goes." +MegaWolf gruffs. Reality calls. +MegaWolf has disconnected. +Miko snuggles up with Makyo and Danish and all. -.- +Makyo nestles all in, snooof. +Danish cuddles on squirrel and fox and cheetah and all present. +Danish never thought it would happen, but you never do. +Kia arrives from the foyer. +Danish waves. +Scruff hugskiatail +Danish whispers, "How'd you find out? Mutual friend?" to you. +Kia nods and pats Scruff. +You whisper, "Someone came in last night and told us all, a friend of Pyat. I kinda lost it for a while c.c All cried out now, feeling sort of...lost in memory, I guess." to Danish. +Danish whispers, "Danish headshakes. Buries nose in your fur and still can't stop crying. I dunno." to you. +You whisper, "Makyo hugs around and holds close, meanwhile. Rrwf." to Danish. +Danish gets fox fluff and squirrelpoof all damp and idles for a little while. +Somewhere on the muck, Tony_Cheval has connected. +Kia has disconnected. +KurtMRufa resprawl. +Scruff trots over, noses at robodog. Hello! +ZeitOtter arrives from the foyer. +Kuttas arrives from the foyer. +Makyo nose Kuttas. +Danish hugs on Kuttas. +Kuttas hugs Danish. +Mundy gets a working prototype of a MSMV. +Kuttas sadhyenas. +Mundy nibbles Duelist! +Miko chatters, "We all has a sad." +Danish nods and draws Kuttas into the hugpile. +Scruff sneaks out for a little while +Scruff teleports away. +Scruff has left. +KurtMRufa beeps and noses on Kuttas and arfs too. +Somewhere on the muck, Scruff has disconnected. +Mundy eyeballs http://www.amazon.com/Amico-Position-Toggle-Switch-Terminals/dp/B005GI851C/ +Djirin arrives from the foyer. +Djirin headperches on Rev. +Reveille oofs, sat on. +Djirin is light as a bodi! +Djirin boid +Reveille is just a tiny thing! +Djirin gets out a magnifying glass? "Hmmm. Somebody shrink you?" +Reveille has been shrunken for a while. It lets her actually fit in the door. +Ryan winks out of sight in the sparkling glow of a space/time rift. +Ryan has left. +Mundy hmms.. +Djirin headglomfs Rev +Reveille flails! +Djirin mmfs. wiggly +Zeph arrives from the foyer. +Zeph rowr. +Reveille paws at Djirin and huffs. +Djirin drools helpfully on Rev. c.c +Reveille gahs, covered in cat spit! +Djirin bahs. "Cleanspit" +Reveille growls, "Still cat spit!" +Djirin hmms? +Djirin changes form. +Djirin drools dragonishly then +Reveille eeps and squirms all the more, scruffed by the now-dragon. +Zhorah arrives from the foyer. +Zhorah waves. +KurtMRufa arfatta Rev. +Djirin sheds helpfully on on Rev. furry dwagin +Makyo nuzzat Zhorah, Zeph. Zs. +Zeph snugga on Makyo. +Zeph whispers, "Zeph full of sad re: Margs. :<" to you. +Zhorah lean on Makyo +Draconis arrives from the foyer. +Draconis rr! +Reveille growlfs atta Kurt! And then gets covered in Djirin's fluff. +Makyo purrprr, swish on Zeph and Zhorah. +Draconis nuzzles Zhorah! +Draconis nuzzles Zeph! +Zhorah nuzz at Draco +Reveille yays, more dragons. +Draconis licks Danish! Whitcomb wonders exactly why they did that. +Draconis cuddles Reveille! +You whisper, "Makyo nod, noses. Very sad fox. Grew up around him." to Zeph. +Reveille purrs and snugs Draconis. ^_^ +Draconis hrrrr. "Revsmevs." +Zeph whispers, "Zeph cuddles much. "Did not know him for as long myself, but even so. Want to do something but have no idea what."" to you. +Reveille growls, "Dat's me." +Draconis growfs, "How be's?" +Djirin grumps as Rev gets stolen away. c.c +Draconis cuddle Djiin too! +Djirin hurrahs +Djirin ! +Draconis adds more r's. Rrrrrr. +Djirin headglomfs Draconis +Zeph whispers, "Zeph sorry to go on about." to you. +Draconis snrtl. +Draconis growfs, "Teehee, Undine is engrossed in Bastion." +You whisper, "Makyo leans in against and nods, "Not sure what, either. Could maybe set up something to make one donation for everyone to that thing mentioned in the obit."" to Zeph. +Djirin hms? "Whats that?" +You whisper, "S'okie. Been torn up since last night, feels good to talk about." to Zeph. +Draconis growfs, "http://supergiantgames.com/?page_id=242" +Polo says, "I found it a bit... well, reliant on a narrator. And for something using a beautiful narrator, the Stanley Parable was better done (and being turned into a game!)." +Reveille growls, "It's a really well done, if somewhat short, run around and hit things fantasy game." +Polo says, "I bought it and found it rather dull and Diablo-esque." +Zeph whispers, "Yarr, had thought about donationy thing myself. Am rubbish at organising things though. At first part of me wanted to think it was an elaborate stunt, that he'd turn up laughing to have tricked us." to you. +Duelist licks Draconis! +Danish nuzzles Draconis! +Draconis enjoyed it. +You whisper, "Makyo nodnods, "The thought occured to me, too, but I think only because I didn't really want to believe it. Setting up a fake obituary and news stories doesn't seem like Margs. Anyhow, I dunno. Do you think people would want to do that? Or would there be something better suited?"" to Zeph. +Draconis growfs, "Diablo-esque is a compliment :)" +Polo says, "Trailer for the new Stanley Parable: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bB4AR5Crb54" +Polo says, "That narrator is _amazing_." +Zeph whispers, "It does sound like a good enough idea, to me. Some kind of charitable donation I think would be good regardless, even if not that specific place. Personally, I was thinking of maybe making some kind of music tribute or something." to you. +Miko chatters, "It's quite wonderful." +You whisper, "Yeah. I can't even figure out what these guys are, other than a motorcycle funeral guard, much less how to donate. And yeah, was trying to think of any sort of tribute I could make, beyond financial :/" to Zeph. +Miko chatters, "And a million miles away from clicketyclickety grindgrindgrind." +Zeph whispers, "Yeah, I dropped an email their way to see what was going on but haven't heard back yet. Maybe could get interested folks to work together on something, I dunno." to you. +Miko chatters, "Also not fantasy in the "elves and orcs" way but in the "weird ghost things that live on crumbling platforms in the sky" way." +Polo says, "Alas, at the time Bastion was released for Mac the Trine games were on sale and gave me waaay much more fun :)" +Polo says, "Another trailer for Stanley Parable HD remix: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AZ-IcS7mRSk :)" +Draconis elects to investigate the Stanley Parable, for he has not before. +Zeph yarr, downloaded that himself but has been distracted by Black Mesa Source. +Polo says, "It's... like Dear Esther. Very short and quirky, but exceptionally poignant :)" +ZeitOtter has disconnected. +Somewhere on the muck, Sarusa has connected. +Draconis rararar. +Djirin zipbz2targz +Somewhere on the muck, TealFox has connected. +Draconis smrk. +Djirin nibbles on Draconis while looking innocent. +Polo lost 80 hours to Civ V. x.x +You whisper, "Typed and retyped something to ask people, but just can't quite bring myself to do it right now. Still kinda raw, I guess :S" to Zeph. +You whisper, "Makyo can ask later, if things go alright at work next week." to Zeph. +Draconis whoah. 30k seeds for black mesa o.o +Djirin purrs quietly, "hurrah thievery! c.c" +Malken liked Bastion +Draconis growfs, "thievery?" +Zeph whispers, "Zeph noddles, makes sense. :3" to you. +Djirin shrugs. "Is this Black Mesa a free game?" +Draconis growfs, "Yes." +Zeph mews, "Free mod, yeah." +Djirin purrs quietly, "Hurrah free then! c.c Whenever I hear someone talk of bit torrent and the like I only think of one thing" +Draconis growfs, "I only tend to thieve TV programs, and then only for time-convinience rather than having not paid for them ('cause I have.)" +Somewhere on the muck, TealFox has disconnected. +JanusFox le pant. +Zeph mews, "Foxpants." +Djirin depants Janus +JanusFox yips, "Pantaloons you." +You yerf, "Fox++" +JanusFox increments non-atomically. +Djirin noses at the nonatomic fox +JanusFox rubs those noses. +Djirin glomfs foxhand +JanusFox eeps and pulls away, "I guess that makes me steam powered. +JanusFox is steampunkfox? +Zeph < fox.steampowered.com > +Zeph mews, "Note: not actual address." +JanusFox yips, "D'aww." +Polo is at 'We've Got Hostiles'. It's an exceptional mod. Pretty much an AAA game except for animation quality. +Djirin has left. +Dachande. says, "So AAB then?" +Dachande. bark. +ZeitOtter is sent home. +ZeitOtter has left. +Kia is sent home. +Kia has left. +MegaWolf is sent home. +MegaWolf has left. +Makyo cuuuurrrl forever. So out of it this afternoon. +JanusFox perk, "Black mesa source is out?! +Dachande. says, "Yup" +Dachande. says, "I downloaded it, and installed it, but i can't seem to find the program launcher." +JanusFox dances about! +JanusFox yips, "Finally aome bloody good news." +Makyo :o) +Makyo packs for Canada. So nerrrrvous. +Polo says, "It's in the Steam menu, Dachande." +JanusFox yips, "Don't be. Canadians are far from the dangerous monsters they're made out to be on the Red Green show." +Zeph mews, "You've gotta stick it in the /steamapps/sourcemods folder, then quit and restart steam and it should show up." +You yerf, "I automatically assume Canadians are awesome. It's the travel that has me nervous :S" +Danish lows, "What's in Canada, Feral?" +Mundy says, "Feral's done. :x" +Polo is Canadian. +You yerf, "Work. Week-long sprint." +Polo says, "I just ran the installer that came with it and it showed up in Steam." +Danish lows, "Oh, neat." +You yerf, "Should be awkward meeting all these people in person for the first time, despite having worked with them for a few weeks now." +JanusFox yips, "Did you let them know about your affliction" +Danish lows, "I'm sure they'll just try to glomp you or w/e. Goes with the territory." +JanusFox pokes that torrent with a stick, "Goooo faster! +Zeph mews, "Being an adorable fox is a blessing, not an affliction." +You yerf, "We have daily video conferences. They've seen :o)" +JanusFox may beg to differ on that. +Mav arrives from the foyer. +Polo torrented it on his root server in the netherlands, downloaded it from there. +Somewhere on the muck, Tony_Cheval has disconnected. +Polo says, "Well, it's a blessing in looks, but the smell requires getting used to. :)" +Dachande. says, "yeah not in my steam only b game i have is bastion, which i need to tyr one of these days." +Danish lows, "It's good." +Zeph mews, "Might not have the Source SDK, you need to click the dropdown in 'Library' (should say All Games) and select Tools, then grab Source SDK." +Zeph mews, "Right click and pick Install and you should be good." +Dachande. says, "Yeah steam opened and said i needed that, so did that." +Zeph hmm +Dachande. says, "Then i had the source thing, but that went away." +Zeph dunno then! +Dachande. says, "Ehh not a big deal, shouldn't try it on the laptop anyay." +Dachande. says, "not sure what i was thinking getting it on here. :)" +JanusFox yips, "That it's essentially a game from 1998 :D" +JanusFox yips, "It should run on an iphone at this point ;)" +Zeph mews, "True, it's the same base game, but Black Mesa has given it a level of advanced shininess and awesomeitude." +Polo says, "The installer downloaded the Source SDK for me..." +JanusFox yips, "On the other hand, Morrowind cripples me now so." +Zeph mews, "So it ain't gonna run on a Pentium II." +KurtMRufa unidles. +KurtMRufa beep beep then. +Zeph pet on Kurtbot some! +Polo says, "It is not in any way the same base game. Everything has been re-done using Source 2007." +KurtMRufa houndleans on Zeph. +Polo says, "The plot and set-pieces have been used, but it's all original content (or content from Half Life 2)." +Himmel climbs onto Danish. +Himmel curls up. +Danish scriffles Himmel and hugs on him. +Mundy flumps. +KurtMRufa wants the compute for the damn games to be in the cloud. +Himmel is gonna go eat dinner then come back and be distressed s'more. +Kuttas, too, he thinks. +Zeph mews, "OnLive did that, and they nearly went bust." +KurtMRufa will use this kind of thing as a snappy answer to people who ask about doing supercomputing in the cloud. +Draconis has disconnected. +Zeph mews, "Admittedly, it might be for reasons other than nobody subscribing. Didn't look into it too much." +Zeph mews, "On the basis of having a) a pretty decent computer, b) a mediocre internet connection." +Makyo nuzz at Himmel, Kuttas. +Kuttas pets Makyo. +Polo says, "Supercomputing is already done in the cloud. I worked on the CERN Grid back in 2005 (I was doing security research) and that was used to find the Higgs very successfully. I believe that the incoming beam data was 10TiB/sec." +Himmel petpets Makyo. Dashes, a bit. +Polo says, "I would imagine it's more to do with commodity graphic processing hardware being unvirtualisable." +Dachande. go to try and buy some jeans. +Kuttas sneakyhyenas into the shadows. c.c +KurtMRufa metalyawns. +Himmel returns. +Zeph sneaks to bed, full of tired and bleh. +Zeph goes home. +Zeph has left. +Somewhere on the muck, Zeph has disconnected. +Singe has disconnected. +JanusFox rubs that...aww. +MegaWolf arrives from the foyer. +Danish hugs MegaWolf! +TealFox arrives from the foyer. +[public] Sarusa says, "Chinese pet jerky kills at least 360 dogs, one cat in the US. Surprise." +Miko titters a little. Sewageburst in downtown Helsinki. Cars sliding around, people falling over, a stench for blocks and blocks and blocks. +Danish lows, "Like a summer block party where they open the hydrants." +Scruff arrives from the foyer. +Scruff sneaksbackin +Scruff perches somewhere up in Danish's antlers +Zhorah returns +Scruff chirps! +Draconis is sent home. +Draconis has left. +Singe eeks! +Singe has left. +Fiend Plushie bounds after Singe. +Danish pets Scruffy protectively. +KurtMRufa beeps. +Danish scoots closer to Kurt to buff him a little, as well. +KurtMRufa wag wags and does some gleaming too. +Danish smiles. +Scruff takes the opportunity to nose down between perky metallic ears +Himmel is only slightly disappointed that the girl who plays Mary-Kate in Very Mary-Kate isn't actually Mary-Kate. +Miko almost listens to Do You Realize?, but stops himself. +Miko is reminded of Footpad by a loose mental association. :/ +Danish urk. +Scruff chirps, "Why is Footpad a :/ ?"" +Miko chatters, "Footpad and Margs." +Danish lows, "Still can't believe he got me onto all that music." +Himmel says, "What about Footpad?" +Miko chatters, "With the delighted piling onto and face-washing and all that." +Himmel says, "Oh." +Himmel says, "Right." +Danish :( +Miko chatters, "Does he know?" +Himmel says, "Oh, god." +Scruff mrf. "He's going to be crushed." +Miko has a bit of a cry again. +Himmel says, "Does anyone here have his contact info?" +Miko puts the Field Mice on, like a fluffy blanket. +Himmel says, "Draco might, but he's not on, at the moment." +Danish hugs Miko! +Miko nuzzles Danish! +Miko sees an update from Orin on his Facebook timeline, innocently bollocking on about something or other. Argh. +Scruff chirps, "I see Draco was here, which means Unds'll know now. He'll be very, very upset." +Miko didn't have the gumption to mention but presumably someone did. +Danish puts on "Straight to Hell", the song he got me into the Clash with. +Reveille'splodes. *poof* +Scruff still trying to work out if he'll be able to make it to Pebble's funeral on Friday. Awesome people should stop dying. +Miko chatters, "I-" +Miko chatters, "Pebble's dead?" +Himmel gives Miko a squeeze. +Scruff nods, "Last Friday." +Miko :( +Harth arrives from the foyer. +Harth says, "Hello." +Miko chatters, "A day later." +Miko chatters, "I only met him once or twice and didn't know him very well, but I loved reading his LJ. I hadn't thought about him for a long time." +Scruff chirps, "Absolutely beautiful person. He'd known it was coming, and had time to prepare, say his goodbyes, which is something, I guess." +Zhorah rumbles, "I dunno pebble" +Miko chatters, "There's not a lot more you could ask, really." +Somewhere on the muck, Azure has connected. +MegaWolf growls softly, "The lion?" +Himmel doesn't know why he knows the name Pebble. +Himmel doesn't know why he knew he was a Lion. +MegaWolf growls softly, "Himmel: Taps" +Himmel says, "... That Pebble is online currently. Which is rather morbid." +Miko chatters, "Pebblepup." +MegaWolf growls softly, "I don't know either of them" +Miko tries to find an LJ dumper. +Scruff chirps, "No, he hadn't been on FM for years, and wasn't ever on Taps" +Danish lows, "Fuck, his one interest on LJ..." +Scruff chirps, "He'd had the name Pebble here when he was" +MegaWolf curls. +Azure arrives from the foyer. +Danish snouts into Megapup. +MegaWolf snugs Danish +Scruff chirps, "He actually had that about eight years ago, Danish" +Acy arrives from the foyer. +Danish ahh. +Acy woof. +Polo noses Azure. +Mav climbs up and perches on Acy. +Danish continues nosing Mega and waves to Acy. +Polo scritches Mav. +Acy topples. +Makyo noses at folks. +Polo goes home. +Polo has left. +Danish lows, "All packed?" +Mav falls over, paws in the air. +Acy puppy says, 'whine whine whine.' +You yerf, "Kind of half-heartedly packing. Mostly watching here." +Mav wruffs gruffly, "My dog is mute." +Himmel's dog was mute unless she saw another dog or he was teasing her. +MegaWolf's dog only barks if people or dogs approach the house. Of course "approach" can mean 3 houses away or more. +Himmel says, "I think it's horrible that people will surgically disable dogs' vocal chords." +Himmel says, "... Cords." +MegaWolf growls softly, "She "talks" a lot though, not a whine or a bark, more like little squeaks and other odd noises." +MegaWolf growls softly, "Tryin' to talk!" +You yerf, "Dogs <3" +Scruff blinks. People do that? o.O +MegaWolf better run some errands before it gets too late. +TealFox curls +Himmel says, "Devocalization, yes." +MegaWolf growls softly, "Debarking" +Scruff hugs MegaWolf! +Himmel pets Megs. +Scruff chirps, "That's hideous! Like declawing a cat." +Zhorah:< +TealFox has disconnected. +Miko chatters, "Emergency Back-up Greek Alphabet: adolf, beta, gamma, leia, delta, echo, foxtrot, theta, peter, smegma, mocca, corbett, khaki, kyber, mira, hindley, phooey, abercrombie, abba, pasta, hasta, lavista, zeta, jones." +Zhorah blinks +Makyo gonna go get comfortfood sushi. Back in a bit. +Danish waves. +Scruff hugfox. Fooox. <3 +Makyo smoochat folks :3 Be excellent! +Makyo idlehere. +Danish lows, "Fox cuddling services available all day. Revolutionary." +TealFox has connected. +TealFox sighs at his connection today +Danish pets Teal and his connection both. +TealFox mmm. Pets +Acy says, "Makyerf is going away?" +Acy says, "My puppy bark sounds like the alarm bark of a squirrel." +Azure turns and runs away, disappearing in an azure-edged silver flash. +Azure has left. +Danish lows, "He's going to Canada to catch fish with his paws, I think he said." +MegaWolf has disconnected. +Acy says, "Weird." +Danish shrugs, fopses. +Scruff noses around, sneaks off to bed. Nini! +Scruff teleports away. +Scruff has left. +Acy says, "Darnit puppy quit eating everything that is not nailed down. " +Miko chatters, "It's a PUPPY." +Miko chatters, "What were you expecting?" +Mav chews on Acy. +Acy says, "Ow ow my feet." +Acy says, "I have started calling her piglet." +Duelist stretch out! +Danish lows, "What breed is she?" +Mav wruffs gruffly, "Stink shep." +Acy says, "She is a german shepherd dog." +Acy http://acy.livejournal.com/360495.html +Duelist growls quietly, "Oh my god, look at her." +Duelist - http://i10.photobucket.com/albums/a115/AcyKat2069/Dogs/IMAG0441.jpg +Acy says, "Hahah." +Duelist growls quietly, "Pure awesome." +Acy says, "I gave her a bath and she was soft and fluffy for exactly one day." +Miko looks at the puppy and cries a bit. :4) +JanusFox rolls acy's puppy in things that smell... wonderful. +Acy says, "She does not need help with that." +Duelist growls quietly, "She will be giant dog soon!" +Acy nodnods. +Danish :3 +Acy says, "I do not like the food the breeder had her on. Trying to figure out what to put her on now." +Duelist growls quietly, "I uhh, well food is a weird subject" +Acy says, "She started eating her poop yesterday and i was all D:" +Duelist growls quietly, "Everyone swears by theirs." +Mav wruffs gruffly, "Sheppies are just gross." +TealFox has disconnected. +Acy says, "I read that they do that because of undigested protein leftover in the poo." +Danish punches Mav in the nipples. +KurtMRufa hrfm +Mav nipple squirts. +Danish mm. +Duelist - http://d4fxuz90idxmu.cloudfront.net/images/default/products/large/12069-1.jpg +Duelist growls quietly, "That is what Kostya eats." +TealFox has connected. +Acy says, "The breeder suggested I give her pig ears to chew on but they make her breath smell like feets." +Kia arrives from the foyer. +Mav wruffs gruffly, "Pig ears are yum because they stink." +Kia frinks. +Duelist growls quietly, "Nylabones!" +Duelist growls quietly, "Better than pig ears." +Mav feeds this stuff to his dogs http://www.diamondpet.com/products/diamond_naturals/dogs/ +Acy says, "She prefers the ears to nylabones." +Duelist growls quietly, "Wait wait, you're giving your shep a choice?" +Acy says, "Sure, why not?" +Mav wruffs gruffly, "Mine get pig ears and various other animal body parts." +Duelist growls quietly, "Never give a shep a choice" +Acy says, "How else will I know what a high value reward is?" +Himmel says, "Sheps require harsh regimentalization. Strict orders." +Duelist growls quietly, "And make shep work for everything!" +Acy says, "She is only 8 weeks." +Duelist growls quietly, "Hee hee hee. She's gonna own you." +Acy is still teaching her to make eye contact with her name. +Danish lows, "Mrs. Cassidy. Mrs. Eliza Cassidy. You stop eating that this *instant*." +Acy says, "I am relatively firm with her.. I guess. I kennel her and stuff." +Floid arrives from the foyer. +Mav wruffs gruffly, "Remember that dogs don't feel guilt." +Danish waves to Floid. +Floid says, "Arf." +Danish lows, "Dogs only feel it when you tenderly rub their malamute nipples." +Mav squirt. +Danish lows, "It's the only way he'll learn." +Kia says, "All dogs have malamute nipples? " +Duelist recommends the dog beating stick! +Danish lows, "Mav does." +Danish notes that Floid is kind of an anagram of El Fido. +Floid says, "Mav is director general of the USSMNR." +Acy says, "You milk malamute, you have friend for life." +Danish lows, "Whereas chows just want to cuddle afterwards." +Acy cuddles up to Danish. +Acy says, "Going to try walking her for a minute." +Danish shares a glass of milk with Acy before he goes. +Duelist growls quietly, "There is much sitting when first walking a shep." +TealFox winks out of sight in the sparkling glow of a space/time rift. +TealFox has left. +Acy has disconnected. +KurtMRufa arf arf arf. +Somewhere on the muck, TealFox has disconnected. +Acy has connected. +Danish lows, "I told a really good joke while you were gone and everyone laughed and it made me popular." +Acy says, "Yes there was sitting. We made it halfway down the block then a barking pitbull caused resistance." +Dachande. says, "Tell it again Danish." +Zhorah rumbles, "looked back at this screen and first thing I saw was malamute nipples....]" +Danish isn't in the mood right now. Gotta pace it. +Himmel rubs Danish. "You -are- Popular." +Danish hugs Himmel! +Zhorah rubs his unpopular on Danish +Danish hugs Zhorah! +Acy says, "Ah, my nipples explode with delight." +Miko loves Danish! Whitcomb isn't sure he's ready for that level of commitment yet. +Mav gets a towel. +Danish kisses Miko! +Danish goes to smoke. +Floid says, "http://wonkette.com/484178/the-lord-jesus-hates-dr-pepper-and-you-should-too" +Danish has been smoking every time he wanted to cry today, so it's on to pack 2. +Himmel hugs Danish's head. +Miko gets linked to http://creeper.naurunappula.com/org/e9/36/e9362063fc8378ad/0/967709.gif elsewhere. Serendippitydoodah. +Acy o.O +Miko has just been having a cry whenever he feels like it. It's good for you. +Acy says, "Miko did my puppy really make you cry?" +Miko chatters, "I, um. Are you perhaps missing the context?" +Himmel says, "Margs, Ace." +Floid is very taking a nap. +Danish quietly saves that as Danish.gif. +KurtMRufa rrf. +Acy says, "Oh." +Acy says, "Yeah, heh.. when I look at her I think, 'In 8-10 years you'll be gone too.'" +Harth has disconnected. +Mav wruffs gruffly, "Sheppies only live 8 to 10 years?" +Danish stares at fatweaseldog in the hallway, more of a force of nature than an actual thing. +Danish lows, "According to the vet he's 17, but the vet is stupid." +Acy says, "According to wikipedia sheps live 8-10 years." +Mav punishes his sheppie for living too long. +Acy says, "Aww." +Acy says, "She's half husky." +Mav wruffs gruffly, "So she gets to live longer." +Himmel says, "SHepsky?" +Himmel says, "Sheps live longer than 8-10 years, I'm sure of it." +Himmel says, "-Danes- live 8-10 years because of their size problems." +Mav wruffs gruffly, "Generally larger dogs have shorter lives." +Mundy whistles for a bouncer, and a huge gorilla steps out of nowhere, and hauls out the sleeping furries. "Time ta go, boyz.." he growls.. +Harth is sent home. +Harth has left. +MegaWolf is sent home. +MegaWolf has left. +Mundy gooses Dachande.! +Himmel actually thinks Danes are 10-12. +Kia's cat is planning on never dying. +Acy says, "Well hopefully my shep will live longer. She is supposed to have good genes and stuff." +Somewhere on the muck, Scruff has disconnected. +Miko used to know a cat that was eighteen years old. +JanusFox yips, "And she's black!" +Mav wruffs gruffly, "I had two cats, lived 19 and 21 years." +Acy has an 18 year old cat. She is gray and has a scratchy meow that sounds like Macy Gray. +Kia's cat is... lessee. Got her in 1997, fall. So, 15. +Danish lows, "According to Wikipedia you are King of Togo, Acy." +Acy says, "Neat." +Miko chatters, "World record is 38 years and a bit." +Acy was also born on the same day Robespierre got the guillotine. +Danish lows, "http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Togo" +Danish lows, "Ah, fuck, fucking robots." +Danish lows, "You were King of Togo for roughly 15ish seconds." +Srass appears in a glowing pentagram, with an ominous rumble. He thunders, "WHO DARES DISTURB--", then looks around. "Oh, um... hiya." The pentagram fizzles out, anticlimactically. +Srass has arrived. +Danish hugs Srass! +Srass hugs Danish! Whitcomb jumps into Srass's arms and murrs loudly. +Srass leans on Kurt. +Danish hands http://imgur.com/FNzKY to HRH. +Srass says, "Lame." +Acy uhr... +Srass says, "That's not a photoshop, that appears to have been an actual edit to the page." +Srass says, "By a comcast customer in south carolina somewhere." +Danish lows, "Knology wanted to drill a bunch of holes." +Kuttas arrives from the foyer. +KurtMRufa beep beeps. +Srass says, "Who?" +Himmel says, "South Carolina?" +Himmel says, "Whoever do I know from there?" +Srass snugs Kurt. +Paladin pads in and barks! +Paladin has arrived. +Srass licks Kuttas' muzzle. +Srass also rubs Paladin's ears. +Kuttas licks Srass' whiskers. +Paladin flicks one ear: ~_^ and then the other: ^_~ +Miko chatters, "Those are eyes, dear." +Paladin barks, "I am not some Asian emoticon!" +Paladin has always, always used them as ears. +Mav ^..^ +Paladin rubs Mav! +Mav gets fur all over. +Danish &._.& +Paladin gets dingo all over. +Mav gets a napkin. +Kuttas pokes at waffles. +KurtMRufa . +Danish pets Kurt and Kuttas. +FoxLord has disconnected. +Kuttas leans. +Miko chatters, "Danish is a former boxer?" +Paladin barks, "I thought he was more like a labrador." +Himmel boxes Danish. +Himmel ships him to Murray. +[ Kuttas looked at you ] +KurtMRufa taps its fingertips together. +Danish eyes Miko. +Danish also dies, no airholes. +Danish headshakes. +Srass pets Kurt's fingertips. +Mundy licks Paladin! +Miko chatters, "& looks like a boxer's ear." +Paladin licks Mundy! +Danish ahhh. Hard to render antlers on one line in ASCII. +Himmel lean on Kuttas. +Mundy licks Paladin's dingo tongue +Paladin pants, like a dingo! This makes him twice as cute! Even babies are no longer afraid of him! +Kia hungers a bit. ++++++Leanin' 'yena just smelled you! +Danish ruffles Kuttas between the ears. +Kuttas smells hollow. +Himmel disagrees. +Kuttas oopses. ruffle, not snuffle. +Danish hugs Kuttas! +Paladin barks, "Ruffle snuffle. I think I shall put that in my actions." +Paladin ruffle-snuffles Danish! +Danish licks Paladin! +Miko chatters, "Do the ruffle snuffle!" +Srass, come to think of it, gets rid of all the extra accoutrements, and just goes quadrupedal for a while. +Paladin ruffle-snuffles Miko! +Kuttas curls up against him. +Srass nuzzles Kuttas. +Kuttas squeezes. +KurtMRufa tilts its head to the side. +Mundy grunty. +Zhorah pets Kuttas. +Makyo wakesup. Nuzz folks. +Kuttas is an anthro spotted hyena. He's slightly taller than average, despite having the characteristic slight-hunchback typical of hyenas, probably due to the long neck which is also typical of the species. His torso is slightly long, and his legs are slightly short; he's built stoutly, a remnant of his youth spent on the Serengeti, where life makes you hard or leaves you hungry. He walks di'grade, but erect; even so, he's quick, nimble, and flexible. He is easily capable of dropping to all fours when needed. On his right thigh, about two hands-breadth below his hip, is a fine, vertical scar, a straight line about three inches long and visible through his fur, which grows gray alongside it. He is leaning very closely on Srass, and appears to be quite comfortable. +[ Leanin' 'yena noticed you looking at him ] +Carrying: +BUTTON: Arcturus 2012! Cause '[Redacted] Happens.' +BUTTON: Arcturus 2012! 'FRONT TOWARD ENEMY' +tribal lance +An Invitation +Zhorah tug at Makyo +Makyo nosenose at Zhorah. +% Connection to furry closed: recv: Connection reset by peer +\end{verbatim} +\newpage + +\begin{verbatim} +% Trying to connect to furry: 74.207.243.108 8889. +% Connected to furry. +#$#mcp version: "2.1" to: "2.1" +Welcome to + _____ _ _ _ _ _ __ _ , SM + / ' ' ) ) ) ' ) / / ) ' ) / + ,-/-, . . __ __ __ , / / / / / / /-< + (_/ (_/_/ (_/ (_/ (_/ / ' (_ (__/ (__/ / ) + / + ' + The first 99 & 44/100% anthropomorphic/Furry TinyMu* + +(The SM means that FurryMuck is a Service Mark of the FurryMuck Wizards) +To connect to your existing character, type "connect ". +To receive a new character, send mail to join@furrymuck.com +To see the latest news, type "news" after connecting to a character. +To disconnect from a character, type "QUIT". +Use the WHO command to find out who is currently online. +Use the 'whereare' command to find places with active people. +Use the 'wizzes' command to see what Wizards are on line, or the 'helpstaff' + command to see who of the help staff is on. +Use "connect guest guest" to visit FurryMUCK as a guest. +All users of FurryMuck are bound by our AUP. "NEWS AUP" to read this document. +---- + +Sadly, FurryMuck has lost one of its own. + +S'A'Alis, May 29, 1963 -- September 5, 2012, the Large Furry Marsupial, and a +member of the L'Drey, a space-faring, fox-like species. He was never without his +'Eternally Filled Highly Caffeinated Coffee Mug of Doom'. From 1993 - 1999, +S'A'Alis hosted the servers that FurryMUCK ran on, and was a character creation +wizard 1993-2001. Condolences can be sent to his beloved wife, IceWolf: + +M. Vogt, W5910 Genske Road, Black Creek, WI 54106 + +Life is eternal, and love is immortal, +and death is only a horizon; +and a horizon is nothing save the limit of our sight. + -Rossiter Worthington Raymond + +---- +Apartment.(#51076RLJA) +More of a studio or loft than anything this apartment has had all separating walls removed except for those protecting the privacy of those engaging in bathroomly behaviors.. Nestled in one corner is a kitchenette type thing with an island counter for eating. Along an opposite wall are large picture windows, at the base of which a low platform surrounding two mattresses set next to each other on the ground, creating a sort of soft spot in the floor to serve as a ginormous bed type thing, with a few comfortors and loads of pillows tossed in to complete the image. +Contents: +BUTTON: He Who's Ears Are Upon Him(#51757) +Macchi +Ranna's Tails(#58415X) +Fluffy pink ribbon for Astarael's decidedly fluffy tails +Makyo stretches out and yawns toothily, shaking Makyo's fur out. +Players online for whom you are watching: +Acy Azure Danish Floid +KurtMRufa Makyo MegaWolf Miko +Sarusa Tigerwolf Triggur +Done. +The next scheduled database save will be in 8 mins, 19 secs. +You place a strategic call to one deity or another. +Makyo disappears in a puff of complacency. +Purple Nurple Foyer(#52464RLJ) +You step in through the door and into a cramped foyer. Advertising +posters plaster the walls and there's another door right in front +of you (east). The door is padded purple vinyl, studded in a diamond +pattern. This is the Purple Nurple, Furrymuck's gay/les/bi nightclub +and meeting place. Feel free to come on in if you are straight too.. we +don't bite (unless you ask nicely ;) There is a sign on the wall next to +the door and a notice where the computer used to be, saying that it's now +in the main room. +Players inside the Nurple: + MegaWolf Turkzyn Kia Kyhwana + Paladin Kuttas Srass Floid + Acy Danish Malken Mundy + Himmel Dachande. Duelist KurtMRufa + Miko JanusFox +[Exits: to the Purple Nurple to Sable Street] +Contents: +PN RULES : READ THIS TO BE ABLE TO ENTER +You enter the PN +Makyo disappears in a puff of complacency. +The Purple Nurple +You are in the Purple Nurple, furry's premier gay/les/bi spot. +The room is large, a converted warehouse - the ceiling's +about fifty feet above the crowded floor. An entire suspended +lighting grid swivels back and forth in the middle of the room, +rigged with a complex array of lights, lasers and mirrors. +The overall effect is of an alien spacecraft hovering about twenty +feet over the dance floor. Huge projection wall-screens flicker +images of furries dancing, clips from anime movies, computer +graphics reels and old cartoons. The music is loud, thumping +techno and house, bass thundering through the gyrating furries +on the dance floor. +To one side is a lounge area, acoustically out of the main thrust +of the speaker stacks allowing normal conversation. A bar with +every drink known is along the wall of the lounge, and +the floor is scattered with heavy-duty beanbag chairs, funky couches, +and other assorted furnishings, all roomy enough for at least two furs. +A small staircase leads up to the Nurple Apartments. +Contents: +MegaWolf +Turkzyn +Kia +Kyhwana +Paladin +Kuttas +Srass +Floid +Acy +Danish +Malken +Mundy +Himmel +Dachande. +Duelist +KurtMRufa +Miko +JanusFox +All complaints --> Rigel +NURPLE ADULT/PG POLICIES ****** PLEASE READ +Bulletin Board +[foodgeeks] Genn says, "Ah ha, and yes, i see why" +Duelist licks you! +Makyo rrf. +You lick Duelist! +Duelist growls quietly, "Hello foxy" +Name Sex Species ('whospe #help' for help) +Makyo N/A Anthro Arctic Foxy +MegaWolf male White Wolf 'Morph +Turkzyn Male Wolf +Kia[idle 5m] male ringtailed lemur (lemur catta) +Kyhwana[idle 2m] male Young morphic'leopard +Paladin Male Big Blond Dingo +Kuttas[idle 21m] male spotted hyena +Srass[idle 6m] male polymorphic black panther (quadruped) +Floid[idle 1h] male Dingo +Acy mALE Chow chow (chow) +Danish[idle 2m] Manmoose Manmoose +Malken[idle 1h] male bipedal immortal lion +Mundy[idle 29m] -unknown- -unknown- +Himmel[idle 12m] Male Cat +Dachande.[idle 3m] Male. Wolf. +Duelist Male Skunk! +KurtMRufa[idle 32m] robot greyhound +Miko[idle 3m] o-> Nut muncher +JanusFox male Cross Fox +You yerf, "Hi skunk." +Duelist growls quietly, "How's you doing?" +Srass says, "ttytter sounds like a utility that helps find and download pictures of ttytts." +Kia says, "ttytties" +Srass nods. +You yerf, "Not...well. Up and down. Whatever, though :o) How're you?" +KurtMRufa snrks. +Duelist growls quietly, "Technical illustration and train layouts to keep my mind busy." +Makyo nod. Packingfox. +Turkzyn sits down. +Duelist growls quietly, "Ah yeah, Canuckyfox, eh?" +Duelist growls quietly, "Where in Canuckville ya headed?" +Turkzyn heads up the stairs. +Turkzyn has left. +You yerf, "Soon enough, yeah :3 Montreal." +Duelist growls quietly, "Montreal? Oh my god." +You yerf, "Hahah, why?" +Zhorah arrives from the foyer. +Zhorah back +Duelist growls quietly, "They're all Habs fans! O.O" +Duelist growls quietly, "You HAVE To wear an Avalanche sweater up there!" +Duelist growls quietly, "That's the old QC team!" +Kyhwana hmms at Srass "Sure! Just on twitter too! +Srass grins. +You yerf, "Awr, haha. Dunno that I'll even be getting out much, honestly. We'll see!" +MegaWolf should booze tonight. +You yerf, "Dunno if we'll be working at the Canonical office or a hotel meeting room, really." +MegaWolf growls softly, "Does spiced rum go with root beer?" +Kyhwana purrrs, "http://www.floodgap.com/software/ttytter/" +Duelist growls quietly, "That might be intense, MegaWoof" +Makyo was going to have a rob roy, but it didn't have any sweet vermouth, so it used lillet instead. Worked out well. +Duelist....rum-n-juice +Duelist growls quietly, "Capt Morgan - Black. Man, that is good rum." +Srass did play with ttytter a while back. +Duelist played with tits awhile back. +MegaWolf growls softly, "I have oakheart." +MegaWolf growls softly, "It's not bad, prefer the Captain" +Duelist growls quietly, "Oakheart and root beer. Hmmm!" +Zhorah noses Duelist. +Duelist growls quietly, "I can't say, man. I wanna say 'sure' but I dunno." +Duelist licks Zhorah! +MegaWolf hrr. Let's see. Oakheart, Bombay Sapphire, Crown Black and butter shots. +MegaWolf growls softly, "I don't think I have any coke." +Duelist growls quietly, "No juice?" +You yerf, "Sapphire straight from the bottle." +MegaWolf growls softly, "I have a lot of that Walgreens glass bottle soda because apparently it's discontinued" +MegaWolf growls softly, "Cranberry, oh and I do have tonic water, forgot about that" +Duelist growls quietly, "Makyo!" +You yerf, "Gin and cranberry is good!" +You yerf, "Duelist!" +MegaWolf growls softly, "Root beer, cream, black cherry, orange creme, and strawberry creme." +Duelist growls quietly, "Never pull from the bottle....well, in extreme circumstances its ok" +Miko chatters, "You have Kina Lillet?!" +MegaWolf growls softly, "Cranberry and... gin? I don't think I'd like that. n.n" +MegaWolf doesn't like gin except in G&T +You yerf, "Ah well.." +Duelist totally wanna go drinking, in Vegas, with Makyo. Bring your boy! +Duelist will bring his! +Makyo oooh, nodnod ^^ +MegaWolf growls softly, "I need to stop buying other booze and just buy vodka" +Miko kinda wants a drink. Hasn't had one in ages. +Makyo has... this, Miks: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Lillet.jpg +Duelist growls quietly, "Vodka and Rum is all you need." +MegaWolf never has amaretto left over after a con because people drink 8 oz glasses of it when he's not looking. +Duelist growls quietly, "Tho the mixers are nice" +Duelist growls quietly, "Mostly anything made by Dekuyper\" +Kyhwana nod at Srass "It's neat. +Duelist growls quietly, "Hot Damn! Is pretty awesome." +Duelist growls quietly, "Cinnamon schnapps." +Miko chatters, "Ah, it sez "currently goes simply by Lillet or Lillet Blanc" on the Wikipedia page." +MegaWolf growls softly, "Buttershots and cream soda? (instant diabeetus!)" +Miko brought a bottle of Hot Damn! from the States once and never figured out anything reasonable to do with it other than pass the bottle around as a sort of prank. c.c +MegaWolf growls softly, "I saw an ad for cinnamon whisky at the liquor store next to the Chinese place tonight" +MegaWolf growls softly, "Sounded kinda good, actually." +Miko chatters, "No, wait!" +Miko chatters, "Is Hot Damn! the one I like?" +Duelist growls quietly, "It's good on a cold evening, Miko, for just that, yes." +MegaWolf growls softly, "Fireball, I think." +Khyber arrives from the foyer. +Miko bought a bottle of something violently pink that was pretty horrible, but he's had this stuff with a.. +Miko chatters, "Ah, Fireball's the one I like. Shots. :3" +Duelist growls quietly, "Hot Damn! is not pink." +Miko chatters, "What's the one I don't like, then?" +MegaWolf growls softly, "Need Stoli" +Miko shakes Duelist. "Tell me!" +You yerf, "1 part Bailey's, 1 part Kahlua, dash of hot damn, and you've got an oatmeal cookie." +Miko falls over. +You yerf, "Usually a shot." +Duelist growls quietly, "What what what?" +Duelist growls quietly, "Wait" +KurtMRufa just pours some johnnie walker blue. +Somewhere on the muck, Herefox has connected. +MegaWolf growls softly, "I never buy Stoli for a con because it's just barely on the edge of "too expensive for you ungrateful schmucks"" +Khyber walks in, thinks Miko means Aftershock. +Duelist - http://tinyurl.com/26j9tfu +Makyo has scotch, but knows all of the boy's drinks. +Duelist growls quietly, "Taht is Hot Damn!" +MegaWolf growls softly, "I did buy Cointreau a few years ago though" +Acy had to stop and sing to his puppy. +Khyber wonders if he sgill has that bottle of tres generaciones... +Duelist growls quietly, "What is THIS?" +Duelist growls quietly, "A 'Hot Apple Pie Shot'" +Acy says, "And she whined." +Makyo's shep will sing along with choral music :3 +Zhorah noses Khyber. +MegaWolf still thinks a chocolate cake shot is bizarre. +Duelist growls quietly, "1 part apple rum, 1/2 part Hot Damn!, graham cracker garnish." +Kuttas licks Duelist! +Duelist licks Kuttas! +Mundy ta-dahs http://bit.ly/U8uTiF +Duelist growls quietly, "Hi, Y3NA!" +Khyber pets Zhorah +Kuttas says, "hey." +MegaWolf should just do shots of Crown, really. Also wishes he'd gotten to try the JB Devil's Cut. +Duelist growls quietly, "Is that what I think it is, Mundy?" +Mundy says, "Probably." +Duelist squeeeeeeeze Kuttas! +Duelist growls quietly, "How ya doin', Y3NA?" +Mundy's missing the O-F-O, SPDT switch. +MegaWolf growls softly, "Cinnamon schnapps, vanilla vodka, and spiced rum would be a Chai Tea." +Makyo not really a shot fox :/ More a neat-rocks-on-the-side or a tall drink fox. +Duelist uses O-F-O DPDT switches +Duelist has a stupid amount of flavored vodkas. +Duelist growls quietly, "Including CHOCOLATE cake vodka." +Srass says, "I take it O-F-O doesn't mean 'Out Fucking Off' in this context?" +Duelist growls quietly, "On Off On!" +Srass hmms doubtfully. +Duelist growls quietly, "Don't you doubt me!" +Duelist growls quietly, "It can't be an Ooooooooo! switch!" +Srass says, "That's true, if it were an OOO switch, it would be made by the Omniscient Overlords of the Omniverse, and they're all Out Of the Office." +MegaWolf growls softly, "On and off are small enough words that I don't normally see them abbreviated like that n.n" +Khyber whips out some foxnip that smells and tastes of root beer +Mundy says, "O-F-O is easier to type than On-Off-On." +Kuttas is okay, probably. +Srass nods. +Vetiver arrives from the foyer. +Mundy says, "And those circuits actually work as desired too." +Duelist growls quietly, "Yeah, me too" +Duelist growls quietly, "Build me 32 of those, Mundy!" +Duelist cracks the whip! +Kia has disconnected. +Mundy says, "You said you only had 16 switching machines. :)" +Duelist growls quietly, "Oh, ok!" +Duelist growls quietly, "Build me 32 of those, Mundy!" +Duelist growls quietly, "Err" +Mundy says, "Fail. :P" +Duelist growls quietly, "Build me 16 of those, Mundy!" +Duelist cracks the whip! +Duelist has been drinking! He is prone to fail and horny. +Mundy actually ordered one of the switching machines. +Duelist growls quietly, "Hopefully not at the same time!" +Miko is not a shot sqrl by himself. +Acy says, "Yeeagh! Puppy's first fart! D:" +Mundy says, "Porno Disaster." +Duelist would have sent you a switching machine. +You yerf, "Get used to those, Acy :|" +Acy horrified. +Mundy says, "It's very likely that I'll burn it out in testing." +Khyber laughs at Acy +Miko chatters, "I put away quite a lot of Fireball as shots at Oswaldo's once when there was a bunch of people around and I was being pestered to ditch the diet for the evening and get drunk." +Duelist growls quietly, "I dunno, these fuckers are tough." +Dralen arrives from the foyer. +Srass says, "You don't need to get used to those. You just need a cork." +Acy says, "She looks all guilty." +Dralen meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeps. +Srass says, "Or possibly a cork with a double reed in the middle." +MegaWolf's dog doesn't do that unless her tummy doesn't agree with her food, which is why she's on Evo Herring and not Beef now. +Kuttas pets Dralen. +Duelist growls quietly, "Ya know....we should all meet in the middle" +Duelist growls quietly, "And drink" +Srass licks Dralen. +Khyber arfs at Dralen +Duelist growls quietly, "What is the middle?" +Mundy says, " http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z1n3JBQdN84 " +Duelist looks at Vetiver. +Zhorah want hugs +Kia has connected. +Dralen smooches at Srass and leans on Khyber. +Kia frinks. +Khyber wraps dragonfox in tails +Dralen wiggles! +Kuttas reads his 1st ed ad&d books. +Vetiver hmms at Duelist? +Danish hugs Kuttas! +Somewhere on the muck, Tony_Cheval has connected. +Acy hahaha, he still has some of those. +MegaWolf's dog is too damned smart. +Danish rubs, waves, so on, out. +MegaWolf growls softly, "Is ridiculous!" +Duelist growls quietly, "we got a Y3NA in AK, a droxy in ON and a jaquar in MX. What is 'the middle'" +Duelist growls quietly, " ??" +Srass smooches Dralen. +Danish has disconnected. +Khyber softly says, "the middle is here in California!!!!" +Acy puppy does not like being petted very much. .( +Kia excludes the middle. +Acy :( +Duelist growls quietly, "Apologies, of course, to the Aussie and NZ furs who would put 'the middle' out in the middle of the ocean." +MegaWolf growls softly, "I made a little tether tennis ball on a rope thing to play with her this afternoon. Didn't take her long to figure out to go for the rope and not the ball if she actually wanted to catch it, but she mostly chased the ball anyway." +Vetiver quorks, "Alaska throws off that middle a lot, so it'd be like Montana or Wyoming." +MegaWolf growls softly, "When she got tired of playing, she finally managed to tug it away from me... and wrapped the rope around her paw with it before she lay down to chew on the ball, so I couldn't pull it away anymore." +Duelist growls quietly, "Oh, Acy....the puppy will not like to be touched til, like, week 16." +KurtMRufa licks its nose calmly. +Duelist growls quietly, "Kostya would not let me touch him until about 4 months old." +Duelist growls quietly, "I hear that is a shep thing." +Acy says, "Really? What's up with that?" +MegaWolf growls softly, "Mine only likes to be pet when -she- wants to be pet, but that's most of the time. Too much petting and she'll wiggle away though." +Duelist growls quietly, "I couldn't touch Kostya for a couple months and now I can totally snug with him." +Duelist growls quietly, "Very affectionate doggie" +Duelist growls quietly, "But it just takes time." +Srass noses folks, wanders back to the store for a bit. +MegaWolf growls softly, "Don't remember any specific no-touchie age though, she slept on my mom's head her first few nights home." +Srass recoils as a team of carpenters arrive. Brandishing belt sanders, they smooth him down until he's all gone. +Srass has left. +Duelist growls quietly, "Kostya, when he was a pup, would actually move away from me when I came near. Heh." +Mundy *touches* TIGRSKNK. +Acy says, "You forgot to keep bacon in your pocket." +You yerf, "Zephyr did that too, really, took him being sleepy for petting." +Acy says, "She just fusses a lot when she's sleepy and moves to a different spot to sleep." +KurtMRufa remarks, "Animals are funny." +Acy says, "She tilts her head adoreably when I whistle." +Acy daaaawh. +Duelist licks Mundy! +MegaWolf growls softly, "Mine was a little carpet shark for awhile though, nip nip nip." +Miko chatters, "Did Seapunk ever become a thing?" +Duelist growls quietly, "Do not forget" +Duelist growls quietly, "You are new alpha" +Duelist growls quietly, "She is still getting used to you" +Himmel says, "Piratepunk count, Miko?" +Himmel says, "Because that's pretty popular." +Acy says, "Yeah I know." +Duelist growls quietly, "Soon she will luv you more than anything!" +Duelist growls quietly, "And be the most bestest and loyal friend you have" +Acy could use one of those! +Miko wishes he could have a dawg. +Himmel friends Acy. On FaceBook. +JanusFox is loyal like a fox. +Duelist growls quietly, "Kostya is my most loyal and bestest friend!" +Duelist growls quietly, "The Noble Dog." +MegaWolf luff teh sheppy puppy. +Acy eek? +MegaWolf growls softly, "Of course they love their treats more than you ;)" +Duelist growls quietly, "Not mine" +Acy says, "She especially likes the bacons flavored treat bits." +Miko chatters, "They're not *cats*." +Acy says, "And she likes turkey and hot dogs." +MegaWolf growls softly, "Mine's favorite is liverwurst" +MegaWolf growls softly, "Also she likes coconut." +JanusFox likes those things to, but not combined. +Acy says, "I haven't tried liver." +Duelist +MegaWolf growls softly, "We can tell when she absolutely loves something because she practically floats towards you like a cartoon" +Duelist's dog like steak +Duelist growls quietly, "And chicken" +Miko chatters, "Dogs are nuts for liver, as a rule." +Duelist growls quietly, "And hamburgers" +Paladin is nuts! +Miko chatters, "You feed your dog steak? You're spoilin' that pup. :3" +Acy says, "I made some liver bits by boiling and chopping liver and drying it out in the oven but I froze it all when otherdog didn't like it." +Miko gives Pal liver. +Duelist growls quietly, "Of course I feed him steak!" +MegaWolf growls softly, "I made a coconut lamb for Easter and she ran into the kitchen and stared at me the entire time I was making it." +Duelist growls quietly, "he watches, guards and defends my house!" +MegaWolf growls softly, "The instant I took the top off the coconut flavor" +MegaWolf growls softly, "Dog appears out of nowhere!" +Acy says, "Hehe." +MegaWolf growls softly, "So we got coconut flakes for treats." +Kia thought vultures were the ones who loved liver. every night. +Miko's sister likes raw bloody liver. +Himmel says, "Ew." +MegaWolf's likes steak but it didn't get a "huge eyes floaty dog drooling all over" reaction like the liverwurst. +[public] Frnkzk says, "Come on, everything's better with dinosaurs. Weren't you ever kids?" +Duelist growls quietly, "Remember the rule. If you wouldn't eat it, don't feed it to your dog." +Himmel says, "'Wouldn't'?" +MegaWolf growls softly, "I wouldn't eat herring but that's more due to my general loathing of seafood :P" +MegaWolf growls softly, "She luvs her herring Evo" +Himmel says, "I wouldn't eat meat, but I'm not going to kill my potential dog." +MegaWolf growls softly, "She has a sweet tooth too, we finally gave in and got her some carob chip treats." +Makyo nits Himmel. There. Stuff to pick :o) +Duelist petpetpet MakyoFOX +Himmel knits Makyo. Perfect for fluffs. +Makyo's shedding could easily make quite a cozy coat! So luxurious.. +Makyo nosenosenose Duelistskunk. Prf. +Himmel wears Makyo. "I can feel you all around me." +Kia has disconnected. +MegaWolf growls softly, "Now I want two sheppies." +You yerf, "Close. Against your skin. Rrrr." +Duelist wants 11 sheps +Himmel purr. +Acy says, "You cannot have mine!" +Duelist growls quietly, "But that was Kostya's idea." +Duelist growls quietly, "I do not necessarily agree." +Acy squeezes his little piglet pup! +You yerf, "Zephyr wants 1 more dog. A mutt." +Zhorah hug so much Makyo +MegaWolf growls softly, "One of our dog trainer's friends has 7 Australian Shepherds." +Makyo hughuuuuuug around Zhorah. +Kuttas wipes his nose. +Duelist growls quietly, "I asked Kostya....3 dogs, 7 dogs, 11 dogs....and he got all excited when I said 11 dogs!" +MegaWolf growls softly, "I know they're not quite as nutty as border collies are but that's still a lot of neurotic dog in one house!" +Acy says, "3+ of any animal is crazy cat lady territory." +Acy says, "Except maybe fish." +MegaWolf growls softly, "We may get a second one when she's 5-ish" +MegaWolf growls softly, "I'd love to get a golden but the breed is a huge cancer magnet :|" +Himmel o-o Mega. +Duelist growls quietly, "Is dumb!" +Duelist growls quietly, "Blonde dog." +Himmel says, "Very dumb." +MegaWolf growls softly, "Nu-uh. Only the goofy show dogs!" +MegaWolf growls softly, "Gun dog is smart!" +Himmel pff! +Himmel says, "Get a 'Mute." +Duelist growls quietly, "That is a yellow lab" +Duelist growls quietly, "Not a golden" +MegaWolf growls softly, "Goldens are gun dogs too!" +You yerf, "Zephyr's half gsd, half border collie. There's a neurosis or eight in there." +Miko chatters, "Poodle is arguably the smartest dog, which seems nuts." +Acy says, "If you get a yellow lab you have to name it Butter." +MegaWolf growls softly, "Eh, mostly the border collie half" +Miko chatters, "GSD's up there too though." +MegaWolf growls softly, "Borders are -nutty-" +MegaWolf growls softly, "Cute tho'" +Miko chatters, "Our husky/landseer cross was clever enough to be a smartass." +Acy says, "If I get another dog it'll be a giant schnauzer." +You yerf, "He's a nut." +Duelist - http://www.petmedsonline.org/top-10-smartest-dogs-in-the-world.html +Duelist growls quietly, "Taht list fails at #4" +Zhorah rumbles, "We have a sheep dog and a basset, and my kitten" +Duelist growls quietly, "Golden retriever is dumb" +MegaWolf bites Duelist! +Duelist has defense mechanism!Be careful! +MegaWolf tranqs Duelist for That Operation[tm] +Duelist tranqs MegaWoof for an operation! +Duelist growls quietly, "You don't need those things dangling about" +MegaWolf growls softly, "Descenting isn't nearly as bad as that!" +Duelist growls quietly, "You take something from me, I take something from you." +Himmel takes Duelist's stereo. +MegaWolf takes Duelist's wallet so he can't pay the vet. :D +Duelist growls quietly, "Sorry, I can just dip into the casino stash" +Duelist growls quietly, "And that's in a safe!" +MegaWolf uses the wallet to hire Ocean's 14. +Duelist growls quietly, "Nah nah, just face it" +Dachande. falls over, defeated by a very delicious dinner. +Duelist growls quietly, "You cut on me, you get deballed" +Himmel snrks at D. +Duelist growls quietly, "Snip them fuckers right off." +Himmel says, "Is Kostya fixed?" +MegaWolf growls softly, "Skunks need that operation to be outstanding members of society!" +Duelist growls quietly, "So do wolves" +Dachande. says, "Outstanding, or upstanding?" +MegaWolf growls softly, "Both!" +Dachande. prevers to be instanding. +Himmel prefers to be downstanding. +MegaWolf hmphs and just gently nips Duelist's nose +Himmel, beta as fuck. +MegaWolf growls softly, "Bad mephit" +Acy would guess that Kostya has his balls. +Duelist growls quietly, "Kostya is not fixed, correct." +Himmel nods at Duelist. +Acy says, "That does not seem like the sort of thing Duelist would do." +Dachande. pushes Himmel to the ground so he feels happy. +Himmel whimpers. +Dachande. sits on him. +Himmel's muzzle finds its way into places. +Duelist growls quietly, "Ain't no one convinced me that fixing my dog is good for him." +Kia has connected. +Kia finishes watching an old ep of Lost Girl. Then, the Doc. +Himmel points out that good for him is rarely the concern. +Kia calls up Comrade Stalin, who shows up in his orange vest with a broom to sweep the sleepers off to their homes. +Danish nips the arm of whoever's trying to wake him up and scurries back to his den. +Danish has left. +Srass arrives via giant ladle, landing in a quivering blob. In the distance, Satan's lunchlady shouts, "Snaaaaack!" +Srass has arrived. +Duelist growls quietly, "Some butch fucking dyke stood up in front of the county commissioners and told a story about how cutting off my dogs balls will stop the irresponsible owner across town from having his dog breed....but I didn't follow that logic." +Himmel says, "There is no logic." +Himmel sighs. People. +Kuttas hugs Srass. +Srass hugs Kuttas. +Makyo sheds on Himmel: http://makyo.drab-makyo.com/pretties/arctics/10985897.jpg +Duelist growls quietly, "Then I called that bitch on it and she got all offended." +Kyhwana beeps at Srass "What did you get from the store? +Duelist growls quietly, "Just cuz some dyke don't wanna see male genetalia don't mean I should cut my dogs nuts off." +Duelist growls quietly, "STOP LOOKING, bitch." +Himmel brushes Makyo in a tub. +You yerf, "Christ, drop it." +Duelist growls quietly, "That fox had a fur-splosion!" +Srass licks Kyhwana's nose. "Whole grain tortillas, for the cranberry almond chicken salad I got earlier." +Kyhwana oohhs +Srass got some Framboise Lambics on the earlier trip. +Kia chuckles a bit. His mother is in favor of neutering all dogs 'cause dog balls are icky. +Acy says, "The penis is a weapon. A tool of opression!" +Khyber pats a fullwuff +Acy says, "The gun, however, is good." +KurtMRufa taps its fingertips together. +Kia says, "All the bullets and bombs and missles are shaped like dicks. " +Khyber has disconnected. +Makyo gonna bath. Probably also take half a muscle relaxant. Will sleep well tonight. +Himmel pets Makyo. +Makyo nuzznuzz at Himmel. +Acy noses Makyerf. +Srass leans over and nibbles interferingly at Kurt's fingertips. +Makyo pett on Acymuzz. +Acy says, "Makyo I'ma visit you at the store somedaya" +Acy! +You yerf, "Please dooooo :D" +Makyo okay really bath. +-- You have left channel 'public' +Kia secretly loves Doctor Who. +Acy says, "Now we all know." +Kia says, "Shh. " +Himmel wants to watch Doctor Who, but he isn't allowed, 'cause he really only wants to watch from season 5 on, and he's been forbidden from doing so until he watches the first four. +Himmel has psychotic Whovian friends. +Miko chatters, "Oh shit, that's what I was gonna watch but forgot." +Kia thinks it's best to start with Eccleston. +Dachande. says, "Watch a couple bakers, then the dude after him, then watch eccleston, then proceed." +Kia says, "It's made for people who know fuck-all about Doctor Who, like most of us who haven't been watching it since 1960. " +Himmel says, "THe First New Doctor, Kia?" +Kia nods. +Himmel says, "I saw some episodes." +Himmel says, "He's cool." +Himmel says, "But." +Himmel says, "I want Matt Smith." +Miko chatters, "I recommend coming down with a wicked stomach flu and lying on a couch watching the first few seasons straight through on a laptop, with a bucket by your side." +Kia says, "Also, don't fall in love with him. He only does one season, and that next guy is even better. " +Himmel knows. +Duelist growls quietly, "ShutthefuckupDachthereisnoTomBaker!!!!!" +MegaWolf needs to find an atorrential way to download everything since The End Of Time. +Himmel chuckles at Duelist. +Himmel says, "But seirously." +Duelist growls quietly, "It NEVER happened!" +Himmel says, "Matt Smith." +Himmel says, "DO Want." +Kia has a lovely Tom Baker scarf. +Dachande. says, "Oh and you have to see all the episodes with Harriet Jones, and Sarah Jane Smith." +Himmel says, "My First Who Fan Friend made the mistake of showing me a clip from the premiere of season five." +Himmel says, "And then forbidding me from watching more than the first episode." +Dachande. says, "Ahh." +Himmel says, "That dick." +Miko chatters, "Is that the one that starts with them on the run?" +Kia's never watched a Tom Baker, but it's not like anyone else has a convenient visual identifier. +Himmel says, "Fishy custard, Miko." +Dachande. nods, "The reluctant regeneration." +Miko chatters, "Ohhh. Nowhere near as good as the opening of season six." +Himmel Wants to see the opening of season six, he supposes. +Miko chatters, "But watch 'em all, anyway. You don't wanna miss The Empty Child/The Doctor Dances." +Miko chatters, "Or Blink." +Kia prrrrs at that one. +Himmel says, "I can go back and watch them. I'd be fine with that." +Himmel says, "But." +Miko chatters, "You may wanna miss the ones with the farting aliens." +Kia says, "Blink is like the first Alien. They introduced an amazing thing, which they later ruined. " +Himmel says, "Weeping Angels/" +Himmel says, "?" +Kia nods. +Miko did not care for the return of the Angels. Apparently they're coming by for a third go 'round soon. <.> +Himmel says, "Yeah." +Dachande. says, "And the warewolf, have to see the warewolf." +Kia nods. They're like the new fucking Daleks. +Himmel says, "They might take Amy, Meekz." +Dachande. says, "Oh and Turn Left." +Kia says, "That one has cat people. " +Dachande. says, "The Library." +Dachande. says, "Okay just all of the Catherine Tate season." +Miko chatters, "Silence In The Library." +Miko chatters, "Gridlock!" +Dachande. says, "Yes that" +Dachande. says, "And Gridlock, it has kittens." +Miko chatters, "Gridlock has a cat dude and a human lady who've had KITTENS." +Kia prrrs. Catherine Tate was the shiz. +Kia says, "That black lady, not so much. " +Himmel downloads an album that features a girl yelling at him that he's a bad person because he's male. +Dachande. says, "Donna made Rose look like a waste. Martha is just badass." +Kia says, "Martha was boring. " +Dachande. says, "Later martha, not early martha" +Miko chatters, "She was a bit of a non-entity in comparison to Donna or Amy, yeah." +Duelist growls quietly, "You are the people who walk up to a Dr Who Pinball machine and ask 'who are those guys on the glass?'" +Kia says, "Rose was chavvy, but she grew on you. " +Dachande. says, "Best part of Rose was her mom. And i watched the classics on netflix too." +Kuttas taps the butt of the spear he is carrying on the ground. Thump, thump-thump.... A dark mist spills out across the ground from that point, flowing outward, chilling the feet of those nearby. +Himmel says, "Nah, nah, I've had the classic doctors beaten into me, Duelist." +Himmel says, "That one what with the coat and stuff." +Duelist growls quietly, "I'm just kidding, really, except I had someone ask me that." +Kia rubs his thumbs. Is it normal for piano to give calluses? Also, he's sort of excited that he's now understanding why people play way up on the keys sometimes. +Himmel says, "... Really?" +Himmel says, "That's sad, D." +Himmel says, "THough." +Himmel says, "I live in Kentucky." +Himmel says, "I didn't even -hear- about Doctor Who until senior year of High School." +Duelist growls quietly, "They think Dr Who started in 2005." +Himmel nods. +Kia laughs his ass off at a certain line. +Acy remembers watching it on PBS as a little kid. o.O +Himmel says, "Well, I'd seen flashes of it on..." +Himmel says, "Uh..." +Himmel says, "Random antenna tv channels." +Himmel says, "Cannot remember for certain. But I only know what it was now." +Duelist as well, Acy. Used to sneak out of bed to watch it on PBS! +Dachande. says, "It was often shown late night pbs." +Dachande. says, "The only station with the balls to play brittish tv." +Himmel puts big, square, plastic glasses on Duelist. "Nard." +Dachande. says, "But really even if ya want to start with Smith, you'll clear through that swiftly, go back and see the rest." +Himmel will! +Himmel is certain he'll be hooked, by then. +Kia says, "More like: We couldn't come up with anything worthwhile to put on our smarty tv channel, so we had to take it from the Brits. " +Duelist growls quietly, "Oh no no, MomTiger was a huge Dr Who fan. USed to go to all the conventions and everything." +Kia says, "Or at any rate, we couldn't appropriate funds for anything to put on our smarty tv channel. " +Himmel says, "... Maybe I'll start watching it, Naruto: Shippuden, and Red vs. Blue at the same time." +Himmel says, "I've made deals with friends." +Dachande. says, "Dude, naruto doesn't end." +Himmel says, "I'll watch their TV Shows, if they watch mine." +Himmel says, "Well, I know." +Himmel says, "But." +Dachande. says, "Just warning ya, you think you're close to the end, you're not." +Himmel says, "And a bunch of it is Filler." +Kia thinks Himmel should watch House of Cards. +Dachande. says, "Good though, very good." +Himmel says, "House of Cards?" +Dachande. says, "Also watch The Killing." +Himmel yeegh. +Kia says, "Brilliant Brit political thriller TV show. " +Himmel says, "I had to find someway to convince friends to watch Supernatural." +Himmel says, "So, I agreed to trade." +Kia says, "Has Ian Richardson, who is so fucking awesome. " +Himmel says, "My one friend who watches Supernatural has seen all of it. Except the two best seasons, 4 and 5." +Kia says, "And his character's intitials are FU. " +Himmel teehees at Kia. +Himmel says, "I dunno. I'm not big on Political thrillers." +Kia says, "It's really, really fucking good. " +Himmel will give it a testdrive. +Kia says, "Francis Urquhart is a monster, and yet delightfully charming. " +Dachande. Fuckit torrents latest who. +Dachande. says, "There's only 3 out so far right? Asylum, spaceship and town yeah?" +Paladin barks, "Yups." +Kia says, "Yesh. " +Himmel says, "If anyone likes modernized, edgy fantasy staples and/or grim takes on judeo-christian mythology, Supernatural is an awesome fuckin' show." +Kia suggests Lost Girl if you like urban fantasy. And hot people. And really short bartenders. +Himmel nudges Dach. "Though, I dunno how you took to it. Didn't ask, afterward." +Himmel says, "I'm okay with urban fantasy." +Himmel googles Lost Girl. +Dachande. says, "Supernatural is a very nice show. It's got a good feel to it, the characters are serious with humor mingled in so it's not too daunting. The writing is witty an the characters are belivable. Also unlike most new scifi shows there's noone from a previous show I recognize so it's not like watching Farscape go through the Stargate." +Dachande. says, "While I've not got around to watching more of it, I would reccomend Supernatural and will most likely watch it myself." +Himmel snickers at Dach. +Himmel says, "Well, the actors are from other things, but they're wildly different." +Vetiver hears 'urban fantasy' and thinks of Lord of the Rings, but set in South-Central. +Himmel says, "Jared Padalecki, who places Sam, was on Gilmore Girls before SPN." +Himmel says, "Er... Who plays." +Dachande. Boooos fucking 500 seeders and 2000 leachers. +Kia says, "Starting at the beginning isn't strictly necessary with Lost Girl, but I wouldn't start with watching, say, the current episode on Sci Fi. It's the end of the season and shit's getting real. " +Dachande. says, "Yeah but I never watched Gilmore Girls as I am not vagina." +Himmel says, "Jensen Ackles, who plays Dean, was on The Young and the Restless. And... something else." +Dachande. says, "Again, penis." +Himmel says, "Oh, yeah!" +Himmel says, "Dark Angel!" +Makyo mrrp, mrrp. +Kia says, "Urban Fantasy is, say, Buffy. Or Charles de Lint's ten thousand books that are all the same. " +Himmel says, "Oooh, I loved Angel." +Himmel says, "And Buffy, except for a lot of the main characters." +Dachande. says, "Buffy was good until the weremonkey then it got a bit silly." +Himmel liked buffy for Willow and Seth Green's character and Angel and Spike, kind of. +Himmel says, "But Spike is totally better with Angel than Buffy." +Himmel says, "I mean that in every way possible." +Kia needs to finish watching Buffy sometime. +Dachande. says, "Boo ep2 finished before ep1" +Dachande. says, "Damnit! I keep forgeting to not download everything into the porn folder =P" +Kia says, "It's all porn. Just some of the people are wearing more clothes and fucking less. " +Kuttas says, "What is this 'Buffer' and 'Spike' of which you speak?" +Dachande. says, "Late 90" +Kia says, "Buffy: She was a vampire slayer. " +Kia says, "Spike: He was a vampire. He also briefly showed up in a Ninth Doctor episode, I think. " +Dachande. says, "Er late 90's tv urban fantasy dramas revolving around vampires, witches, lesbians, and david boreanas. who i think is spelled his name right, but hes the guy on bones." +Himmel says, "Yeah, that's his name." +Kuttas snerks. "Bones." +Kia says, "Looking, by the way, like shit warmed over. " +Himmel says, "David Boreanas is a studmuffin." +Himmel says, "I'd give him Bones." +Kia tsks at the Doctor. Never realized he wore fucking CLIP-ON suspenders. +Acy hahah. +Dachande. says, "Well yeah he's a normal guy, not going to have tailored buttons." +Kia says, "Proper suspenders are the Height of Fashion. Clip-on suspenders are trashy. " +Kia, sort of baffled by this new firm he may move to. They're casualer. But lemur has a certain personal brand-style that involves his suspenders. +Azure arrives from the foyer. +Azure yips, "BHello, creatures."" +You yerf, "Hello, fox." +Himmel says, "Casual and vintage formal are easily conbined, Kia." +Duelist growls quietly, "Hello miniscule foxy!" +Himmel... combined* +Dachande. says, "the last guy wore chucks with suits, they tend to have a little something common among the fashion, it helps them blend in." +Dachande. says, "Except for the question mark doctor, but we don't talk about him much." +Kia --hat, suspenders, french cuffs and button collars. +Himmel says, "Eccleston was hugely cas." +Dralen flops. +Duelist pets upon diminutive vulpine! +Azure does not really care for sneakers with suits. +Azure noses Duelist, "Hello, giant skunk." +Himmel says, "Black jeans, boots, teeshirt, leather jacket." +Kia regularly wears sneakers with his suit, until he gets to work. +Dachande. says, "Eccleston looked like he worked at the docs, but as a gangster more so than a fish monger." +Duelist is economy sized! +Himmel nods. +Kuttas hugs Azure. +Miko chatters, "How do normal suspenders attach?" +Miko chatters, "Are there buttons on the pants?" +Kia says, "Yes. " +Dachande. says, "Some come with buttons installed, otherwise ya get a tailor to stick em on." +Dachande. says, "Like Larry King and his jeans." +Kia says, "Brits tend to put the buttons on the outside; US puts them on the inside, because that's where they belong. " +Dachande. says, "Outside looks better though, otherwise it's like you're hitchin em to your britches." +Azure hugs Kuttas. +Kia disagrees. +Kia is slowly drifting towards removing the belt loops from his suit trousers. +Dachande. says, "Personaly I like the style that attach to belt loops." +Azure yips, "You aren't even supposed to see the suspenders." +Himmel says, "You aren't." +Kia says, "Azure is espousing the super-trad opinion, under which suspenders are rather like underwear. " +Miko chatters, "Bleah." +Himmel says, "It's very plebeian, very pedestrian, to show one's suspenders." +Azure yips, "That's why I only wear suspenders under a jacket mostly." +Himmel says, "Only a working man need take off his jacket." +Azure yips, "Though I do have a pear of clip-ons I wear with jeans if I'm doing moving." +Srass hugs Azure with a foreleg, carefully. +Azure yips, "Since I find if I'm bending and wiggling around suspenders are better than a belt." +Kia'd feel rather silly wearing his angels-and-devils suspenders if no one could see them. +Azure yips, "Ornamentation belongs on your tie :)" +Dralen meeeeeeps. +Dachande. says, "I think they're like undies, i wear fancy nice looking underwear that matches the main color of my clothes for my own pleasure, not the showing of others." +Kia does not wear a tie if he can possibly avoid it. +Azure doesn't really like 'cutesy' ties. +Srass says, "That's like wearing spiderman underoos, Kia. Some things are better left hidden." +Azure yips, "Though someone did get me a really nice royal blue one with a random pattern of lightning bolts I'm quite fond of." +Kia disagrees! but then he's the one who's made this a thing of his. +Kia says, "WOrthy of note: Ladies love the suspenders. " +Himmel says, "Kia: do suspenders go over or under a waistcoat?" +Dachande. says, "Laides love them because they can line them over thier nipples and show all of the fun bags with out getting arrested." +Kia doesn't generally wear a three-piece, but they'd go under. This is fairly obvious, since the waistcoat extends below the waist of the pants. +Duelist growls quietly, "ClassyFox." +Azure has one three-piece and one two-piece. Tends to wear the three piece more at night and the two piece in the day. +Kia doesn't *ever* wear a three-piece, actually. Not that it's not pretty awesome, but jesus h. He sweats enough as is. +Azure yips, "Plus the two piece is a nice light grey and I think it goes better with the bright violet and electric blue shirts." +Makyo has 3-piece from wedding. Wears it very rarely, because yeah, sweating >:/ +Himmel says, "YOu would hate my typical style, Kia, maybe." +Azure yips, "The three-piece is a dark charcoal and I generally wear a white shirt, mother of pearl cuff links, and a more conservative tie with it.," +Kia also may or may not have Millenium Falcon cufflinks. +Azure has three pears of cuff links, one lapis, one mother of pearl, and one just stainless steel. +Kuttas says, "What are the pieces?" +Duelist naturally, when talking about suits, recommends double breasted. +Himmel says, "Though I must thank you. I've just realized a need for Braces." +You yerf, "Slacks, jacket, vest, Kuttas." +Kuttas wears jeans pretty much all the time. The only suit he owns is a military uniform. +Kia has his Millenium Falcons, his 1950s subway tokens, his 3 kopek pieces, the art deco ones he can't actually put on, and the ones made from .45 Long Colts. +Himmel combines waistcoats and dress shirt with flared jeans with frayed hems and maybe holes at the knees or under the ass. +Kuttas says, "Ah. So, in the two piece, is it slack and jacket? Or jacket and vest?" +Kuttas knows a number of people who wear jacket, vest, and jeans. +KurtMRufa's player got a suit in high school and still has that same one. +Kia isn't paying nearly enough attention to this Dr. Who. +Duelist has many suits because, well, he likes wearing 'em +Himmel does have this glorious brown suit. +Azure used to have a three piece double breasted coal black suit he adored, but it ended up being Severely Damaged due to him wearing it all the time. +Himmel says, "I hate brown clothing, I should note." +Himmel says, "Doesn't work well with my complexion." +Kia likes his suits. And... fuckity fuck. +Azure says to Himmel, "But, really, I wear way too much colour on a daily basis to be properly 'trad'." +Himmel says, "But this suit is -beautiful-. And manages to work." +Himmel chuckles at Azure. +Kia'd meant to swing by CitiShoes and pick up some stuff to apply to his horse's-ass shoes. :( +MegaWolf totally fails at fending off RL +Kia, having spent a stupid amount of money on these shoes, wants to treat them really, really well. +You yerf, "Slacks and jacket for 2-piece, yeah :o)" +Kuttas wears what he normally wears. Blue Jeans, carhartt shirt, plaid Woolrich overshirt, boots and belt. +Azure tends to go for something like, say, dark grey slacks, light grey jacket, bright violet shirt, and a nice geometric or striped tie. +Duelist should get a new suit. Hmm! +Azure yips, "And a silk square, of course." +Kia recommends MyTailor.com. +Kia says, "Best if Mr. Whatzisnuts, the owner, comes to your town, but always good. " +Kia says, "Hemrajani, that's his name. " +Duelist just goes to Caesar's Palace and buys a Dolce and Gabbana and has it fit to him. +Kia says, "Better to have a suit made-to-measure for you from scratch. Your fabric, your choices for everything. " +Azure admits he really wants to get a proper linen suit made for summer time. +Duelist growls quietly, "Not when you change sizes like I do." +Dralen can't afford pretty clothes. "Mexx and Buffalo. Can't afford D&G or Zegna. +Kia would like a linen suit, but dunno how it'd go over. Maybe if he switches to the not fox firm. +Azure yips, "And species." +Duelist growls quietly, "Ahh, I used to go Armani,but that's so played....and then I found D&G and just really liked 'em." +Dachande. wears $15 jeans and $20 shirts, looks like a fat fuck. +Kia says, "And a... thingy. " +Kia brainfarts. +Miko chatters, "Hello, me." +Kia says, "The other summer fabric. Not madras; I don't want to look like a degenerate gambler. " +Kia says, "Seersucker. " +Duelist has linen and seersucker suits. Required out here. +Dralen says deeply, "Versace fits me to a T, but no way I can afford Versace." +Azure yips, "Seersucker?" +Kia really wants to roll into work in a seersucker, straw fedora, and spectators. +Azure yips, "I like madras." +Duelist growls quietly, "Nothing fits me. The standard drop for a US suit is 6 inches. My drop is 14." +Azure yips, "Actually my favourite thing to wear in the summer is a linnen jacket, madras shirt, and a pair of darkish brown slacks." +Kia points at MyTailor! +Darkness arrives from the foyer. +Azure yips, "White shoes and a panama." +Darkness waves. +Makyo rrf, so much for early bed. Gulps down half a muscle-relaxant and sprawls, about bedtime. +Srass wavesw. +Kuttas waves. +Duelist has a panama hat :) +Duelist wave too +Azure has been accused of drifting straight out of 'business casual' and into 'business technicolor', though. +Kia likes madras too. His standard summer wear involves madras shorts. But he'd never do slacks or a sportcoat in it, because... again, he'd look like a degenerate railbird. +Himmel wishes he was a chick, when thinking on Fashion. +Azure yips, "Chicks don't get pockets." +Azure yips, "I just wish I were in the 19th century." +Himmel says, "Steampunk is so much easier when you're a girl, though." +Azure yips, "It is?" +Himmel nods at Azure. +Dachande. says, "So true" +Azure yips, "They have to do corsets and crap." +Azure yips, "Men get all the good clothes in steampunk." +Azure would so love to be able to get away with going to work in a frock suit. +Makyo hands out cheek-kisses, because you all are wonderful. Will idle here, again, until disconnected for exactly the same reason. +Himmel says, "Yes, but those are far more readily available than, say, a functionally single-piece waistcoat." +Duelist growls quietly, "You are a gentleman, Azure" +Duelist growls quietly, "And, as such, you should dress appropriately." +Himmel says, "Or perhaps it's just my locale." +Azure yips, "That is true, it always annoys me how much old design clothing is made like costumeware instead of something you'd actually wear." +Himmel nods. +Duelist - http://www.gentlemansemporium.com/gentlemans.php +Himmel thanks Duelist a lot. +Azure does seriously want an opera cloak now, though, ever since he had a dream in which he was fighting a duel in one. +Kuttas hmms. He hasn't been to that site in a while. +Miko likes suits on under-25s and over-60s. +Himmel throws three weeks' worth of checks at the 'Vest' section. +Skylos arrives from the foyer. +Skylos softly barks, "woof!\" +Skylos sits. +Azure listens to some Ambient Metal. +Miko also has an outfit that he lately just wears and wears and wears and then washes and then wears again. +Azure grins at Duelist, "Well, I believe in the Nikola Tesla school of fashion. Nothing says "I spend my days working on fantastic technical problems and trying to revolutionize the world" like a really nice suit. +Kia says, "Azure: Become Solicitor General of the United States. " +MegaWolf puppy sleeping in her box. +Azure asks Kia, "Why?" +Duelist growls quietly, "I agree, Mr TinyFox." +Kia says, "On the rare occasion that the SG goes to court, they wear morning dress. " +Kia says, "Stripey pants, frock coat and all. " +Miko chatters, "Dark gray worn and frayed bootcut jeans, black zippered and twin-breast-pocketed knit thing with shoulder thingies and horizontal grey stripes in pairs, snug short black leather jacket with hood. Black slip-on tennis shoes. They all just go super well." +Azure ooohs. +Miko doesn't have any other ensembles that fit so well so he just doesn't wear anything else any more. c.c +Darkness sits quietly on one of the couches. +Azure suspects having his background in mathematics rather than law would somewhat impede this goal. +KurtMRufa remarks, "Pants." +Azure asks Darkness, "How do you do?" +Duelist growls quietly, "Men should dress finely." +Dralen dresses like a hipster. +Kia says, "Law schools exist. " +Miko thinks really young guys in suits &c look cute, and old men in the full getup look charmingly dapper. +Kia knows this from personal experience. +Miko chatters, "Anyone in between.. eh.. look like they're in accountancy." +Miko chatters, "Unless they're going nuts with the waxed moustache and cane." +Duelist growls quietly, "Then they ain't wearing the right suit, Miko" +Kia says, "Depending on your specific educational background, you could wind up in patent prosecution, which is a really lucrative niche. On the other hand, it won't make you SG of the US. " +Azure yips, "Yes, but I'm pissed off at patent law." +Kia says, "Well, it is sort of rubbish. " +Azure did have fun chatting with the Patent Attorney, though. +JanusFox has disconnected. +JanusFox @batbats his ISP, but, to no avail. He wimpers as he fades out. +Miko chatters, "Couldn't you fight the other side as a patent lawyer?" +MegaWolf growls softly, "Calvin's dad was a patent attorney" +Azure yips, "he even gave us the "You don't have to like it. You have to accept the law as it is and act rationally." speech." +Azure yips, "Which I respected quite a lot." +Darkness looks up to Azure. "I am well. How are you?" +Miko chatters, "OK, not all guys under 25 look good in the full kit. Zac Efron just looks like a giant douche when he wears a suit." +Miko image googling, aimlessly. +Azure smiles at Darkness, "I'm doing qutie well, thank you." +Dralen says deeply, "Adrien Brody looks pretty fucking hot in a sharp suit." +Kia says, "Patent prosecution is specifically the practice of applying for and getting patents with the USPTO. " +Miko chatters, "I think it's because he always looks so rumpled." +Miko chatters, "I mean, not the suit. The guy inside it." +Kia says, "It requires, because of what you have to do to practice before the USPTO, a specific educational background. " +Miko chatters, "It's the contrast." +Kia says, "Patent litigation is a different specialty, which is basically just a litigator who litigates patent cases. " +Azure aaahs. +Kia says, "Helps to have a technical background, but isn't required. " +Darkness smiles. +Miko titters at http://cs1.fashionising.com/media/suit-trends/three-piece-suit-2011.jpg +Azure can't wait until his danged patents get approves so he can point to them and say, "See? SEE?" when he applies for jobs. +Himmel says, "Those gloves are -perfect- with that, Miko." +Duelist growls quietly, "You will lose, Azure." +Miko chatters, "I didn't even notice the gloves." +Miko chatters, "But they are indeed very rapey gloves." +Azure yips, "Lose?" +Skylos heard a series of gunshots nearby after police went buy with lots of sirens vrooming and horns. Then there was a helicopter. Then the helicopter went away. +Azure yips, "Lose what?" +Miko chatters, "And so go very well with the rest of the "date rapist" Halloween costume." +Duelist growls quietly, "Yep, someone with a much huger patent litigation budget will just steal your patent." +Miko scratches his head. Is this a bad suit? http://www.ahfashion.com/products_pictures/Sharcoal.jpgM.jpg +Himmel says, "I think, instead of sunglasses, he ought to have gone with a hat, either also-solid-black or also-pinstriped." +Himmel says, "I would say, yes, Miok." +Miko chatters, "Because that looks just terrible. That's like a nasty cheap supermarket suit, right?" +Duelist growls quietly, "It'd be a nicer suit if it fit him properly, Miko." +MegaWolf patents the method of soothing small blue foxes with a FoxBox +Himmel says, "Miko." +Azure yips, "Oh, I wouldn't litigate it." +Azure yips, "I'd be very put off with my employer if they tried it." +Himmel says, ":nods." +Azure yips, "And offer to testify for the defense." +Miko chatters, "It looks like it's too tight at the shoulders and too loose at the waist, yeah." +Kia isn't so sure about his fall hat. May be time to visit Pork Pie again. +Duelist growls quietly, "Bottom line, Patent is all about money. If you got the budget, you win the idea." +Azure yips, "I just like it since it's a matter of public record and I can actually show off the technical details of something I've worked on." +Miko chatters, "Right, yes, it's a $189 suit." +Darkness is enveloped in a sparkling glow as a space/time rift envelops her and she winks out of sight. +Darkness has left. +MegaWolf growls softly, "Or some European guy named Einstein steals it and loses your application." +Miko chatters, "Or Thomas Edison crosses your name out and writes his in." +Azure doesn't even think it should have been patentable. +Azure hisses at THomas Edison. +Azure yips, "The Steve Jobs of the electrical world." +Duelist growls quietly, "May 9, 2008, Tech Crunch reports MIT students demonstrating their Android apps. Winner is an app called Locale which allows a user to dynamically change their phone settings based on location. June 26, 2008 Apple files a patent app to patent 'allowing a user to dynamically change their phone settings based on location'." +Kia shakes his fist at Thomas Edison and pets his pigeons. Whom he loves. Like women. +Duelist - http://techcrunch.com/2008/05/09/mit-students-demonstrate-their-android-applications/ +Miko chatters, "I didn't realize the "size 00" trend in fashion models extended to men. All these dudes modeling for Dolce & Gabbana's suits look like they've got corsets on under there." +Himmel whiiiiiiiines: http://tinyurl.com/8jrwjqm +Duelist growls quietly, "Apple has a HUGE patent litigation budget. THat's how they innovate." +MegaWolf growls softly, "I'm going to laugh so hard when the Apple bubble finally pops" +Azure yips, "The iPhone 5 is a fairly good sign it's starting to." +Kia says, "This will make you feel better, Miko. http://worldwideinterweb.com/component/k2/item/1444-the-ultimate-runway-model-fails-compilation.html" +Mundy shows http://www.digikey.com/product-detail/en/CD14538BE/296-14074-5-ND/525847 to TIGRSKNK. +Himmel says, "Social apps are really popular." +Miko chatters, "Poor girls." +Duelist O.O +Kuttas idles. +Mundy says, "I think I'm gonna order some of these on Monday." +Duelist growls quietly, "What is that?" +Himmel says, "Multivibrater?" +Himmel says, "Vibrator, rather." +Mundy says, "Imagine the breadboard pic I showed you, shriveled up into a single IC chip, with power and LEDs connected to it." +Kia's favorites, in order, are: the one who walks off the stage, the one who falls into the pool, and the one who gets hit by the giant pendulum. +Duelist huhs. +MegaWolf gets a headache looking at digikey's website +Kia idles briefly. +Mundy says, "Cheaper and easier." +Kuttas has been saying multivibrator all along. Monostable, bistable, and astable. +Duelist growls quietly, "How is this useful to me?" +Kuttas now idles +Himmel rub Yenaears. +Duelist growls quietly, "Is true! Y3NA has been saying that!" +Mundy says, "More useful to me, because it'll be easier to work with. But produces the same results." +Mundy says, "And you didn't go to Y3NA to make these? :)" +Duelist growls quietly, "I did! But Y3NA is a hard workin' yena and is busy!" +KurtMRufa licks its nose. +Mundy says, "Also.. You gonna be using N-Scale switch lights?" +Miko nuzzles and goes to bed. He was intending to get up five hours from now, but guesses he'll sleep in. +Miko winks out of sight in the sparkling glow of a space/time rift. +Miko has left. +Somewhere on the muck, Miko has disconnected. +Srass helps Kurt lick its nose. +Srass compares and contrasts the taste with that of Kuttas' nose. +Duelist growls quietly, "I was just gonna use LEds" +Mundy says, "Little tiny LEDs with wires running to the controller?" +Duelist growls quietly, "Sure!" +Acy sees his piglet looking at him! +Acy daaaawh! +Acy wrassles with little piglet! +Mundy needs to know stuff before building anything. ^.^; +MegaWolf hrms. Video won't run for him despite telling Noscript to "allow all" five times in a row. +Duelist growls quietly, "Let me see here" +Mundy says, "Like.. Where are these controller modules gonna be located? At the switches, or at a central control spot." +Duelist growls quietly, "Man, wiring a train is a bitch!" +Duelist growls quietly, "CEntral control spot" +Kuttas wriggles his nose. His nose tastes like hyena and [redacted]. +MegaWolf growls softly, "I should probably upgrade firefox" +Srass tastes hyena repeatedly. +MegaWolf growls softly, "I'm still on 3.latest" +Kuttas tastes more and more like hyena. He noses along Srass' gigantic panthernoggin. +Srass rumbles, and paws gently at Kuttas. +Kuttas wraps his arms around Srass' neck and clings close. +MegaWolf's still annoyed with Firefox suddenly jumping 10 numbers in a year or so +Srass hugs Kuttas close. +Mundy says, "Hmm.. Also.. How many blinken lights per switch track are we looking at?" +Duelist growls quietly, "Blink?!" +Azure yips, "Well, yeah, that was a stupid decision." +Duelist growls quietly, "They don't blink!" +Azure yips, "I blame Google." +Mundy biteys TIGRSKNK. +Mundy says, "One pair per switch?" +Kia prrs at Otello. So dramatic. +Duelist growls quietly, "I don't understand!" +Duelist growls quietly, "Hang on...." +Kia looks forward to seeing one of the Three Tenors conduct it. +Kia, pleased to have seen Placido sing in The Mysterious Island, too. +Duelist - http://tinyurl.com/8et2ff6 +Mundy says, "You have two LEDs.. One indicates left-side, the other right-side." +Duelist growls quietly, "The LED determines which side is open" +Mundy says, "So these LEDs are gonna be on the 'main control'." +Mundy says, "Nothing out there in the model?" +Mundy says, "Also.. This begets another question.. Are you gonna have a control panel for the switches like that pic?" +Skylos has disconnected. +Skylos has connected. +Duelist growls quietly, "Yes" +Mundy says, "Okay." +Mundy says, "This is a critical bit of info for the enclosure of the controller. ^.^" +Somewhere on the muck, Tigerwolf has disconnected. +Himmel orgasms in his ears. +Somewhere on the muck, Tilton has connected. +Somewhere on the muck, Rollo has connected. +Dachande. says, "Ugh i hate getting that out of my ear, harder than up the nose" +Makyo hands out cheek-kisses, because you all are wonderful. Will idle here, again, until disconnected for exactly the same reason.p #away Snoozin' +Mundy says, "Or inbetween the keys." +Kyhwana mrrp +You say, "fuck phones" +Kuttas climbs up on top of Srass and sprawls. +Mundy ponders tiny little black boxen with screw terminals all over. +Himmel snugs Makyo. +Away message and away flag are now set. +Srass reaches up and pets Kuttas, lazily. +You say, "just trying to set away :S nighty for real" +Duelist smooch Makyo! +Kuttas pets Srass back, sprawling lazily. +Azure turns and runs away, disappearing in an azure-edged silver flash. +Azure has left. +Rollo arrives from the foyer. +Rollo waves gently +Skylos softly barks, "Rollo!" +Skylos hugs otter +MegaWolf licks the not-asleep-Makyo :> +Rollo churrrs, and hugs the nice doggie +Skylos smiles and petpets the nice otter. +Kia checks on the shipping status of his lifetime supply of lube. +Kuttas kinda craves Chinese food again +Skylos softly barks, "a 55 gallon barrel of j-lube powder?" +Makyo just a paranoid fox. Very. REally bed now, though y'all can keep the resmooching. +Kia says, "An 8+1 pack of bad-dragon cumlube clear. " +Himmel would enjoy a bad dragon product. +Kia checks on the shipping status of his outrageous order of large silicone appliances. +Acy says, "Night kids." +Duelist o.o +Acy has disconnected. +Kia has a bad dragon product. Likes it, more or less. Not a huge fan of the knot, though. +Kuttas wonders which one. +Himmel probably wouldn't require a knot. +Kuttas pets Himmel. "Silly cat." +Himmel says, "The Dragon Toys are particularly appealing." +Himmel says, "As is the Gryphon." +Kia hmms and thinks he's going to get a fucking huge delivery of a) lube, b) huge fucking silicone toys and c) snuff on Monday. +Himmel is soft. +Skylos softly barks, "tell me of the silicon toyes" +Kia has the Faerie Dragon. http://bad-dragon.com/products/elden +Skylos but you getting new ones? +Dralen wants to get a new Bad Dragon toy, but can't afford it. +Himmel oooooooohs. +Himmel says, "The Earth Dragon looks veeeeery nice." +Kuttas shakes his head. "Ridged are not cool... +Himmel | http://bad-dragon.com/products/clayton +Kia whispers about things to Skylos. None of the rest of you need to know about his perversions. +Duelist is keen on Bad Dragon. Great business model. +Rollo has disconnected. +Kuttas says, "Oh? What's their business model?" +Kia says, "Sell perverted sex toys to perverts. " +Himmel oooooh: http://bad-dragon.com/products/cole +Duelist growls quietly, "Well, the artist draws lewd porn to get his fans all hot-n-horny" +Duelist growls quietly, "Then, all of a sudden,you can buy the dick featured in the lewd porn!" +Kuttas cackles. +Kia thinks that the lewd porn looks like everyone is made of rubber. +Duelist growls quietly, "It's a great idea." +Duelist growls quietly, "And, clearly, it works." +Duelist growls quietly, "Then you 'buy' a popular porn site and get free advertising." +Dachande. says, "Oi none of them dragon toys look like they'd be good up the ass." +Kuttas says, "They own a porn site?" +Himmel says, "For vids of people testing toys." +Himmel says, "Well. Using, not just testing." +Kuttas says, "Oh. Hmm." +Skylos softly barks, "I LOVE my dragon toy 'bruiser fusion' up the ass. And my drippy dragon. And my david the werewolf." +MegaWolf growls softly, "Whowhuh?" +Kia quite likes his Eldon, but again... lemur seems not to work well with knots. Apparently he has the "made to be fucked by horses rather than dogs" gene. +Himmel is also rather enamored with that one, Skylos. And also, the liger. +Himmel says, "Bruiser and David, I mean." +MegaWolf @.@ +MegaWolf stays outta this one. n.n +Kuttas says, "So, anyway." +Kuttas says, "How 'bout them Royals?" +Duelist growls quietly, "They're no good, man" +Kia supposes he needs to get himself a Reds hat. +Himmel says, "They suck." +Kia, sort of hoping for the Yanks to flame out so that he doesn't get stuck with a Reds-Yanks world series. +Skylos softly barks, "I think I can see the pattern though Kia." +Duelist growls quietly, "Oakland A's. That's the team!" +Skylos softly barks, "the less emphasized the knot the more fun it is." +Kia frinks? +Skylos softly barks, "Like I have a bad dragon 'ridgeback' original design" +Skylos softly barks, "that's FRICKING AWESOME to be fucked by" +Skylos softly barks, "Its just really hard to find somebody who will fuck me with it." +Kia says, "No, it's not that. The knot is pleasant enough, but once it's in you just feel really full... and then ou have to get it out again. And that is less fun. " +Skylos softly barks, "I even wrote a fan fiction about it." +Skylos likes to play with sliding knot in and out. +Skylos softly barks, "http://dogpawz.com/skylos/indexes/title-dragoncock.html" +Duelist sits by Kuttas. He got no idea about these toys. He just uhh....has sex. Heh. +Kia likes a bit of that feeling of pulling inside, but the knot thing is too much. Also, we are totally going to get bitched out fby someone for breaking the rating in here, right? Didn't that happen a few nights ago? +Skylos softly barks, "duelist has a partner that will have sex with him." +Kuttas says, "So, yeah. How about we spare the graphic descriptions of what you do with your toys, eh? PG-13 and all." +Skylos softly barks, "that's a nice thing to have." +Kia, psychic. +Himmel decides to save up for Clayton. Nods. +MegaWolf blinks. +Kia doesn't like Clayton. Ugly. +Kuttas says, "I'm not bitching anyone off, Kia. You can get off your horse now." +Kia was on a horse? +Kuttas nudges Duelist. +Kia thought he was on a boat. +Floid suggests the Zeta tiger, anyhey. +Kuttas says, "I kinda want chinese food." +Skylos softly barks, "clayton looks nice and ripply." +Himmel disagrees, Kia! +Duelist hms! "Do they have Chinese food up there?" +Himmel says, "No, D. It's all Whale Blubber." +Kuttas says, "Of course! As much as anywhere, anyway." +Kia says, "De gustibus, Himmel. " +Floid says, "Also, wait, wait." +Floid says, "Kia, you just ... you're into SNUFF PORN?" +Dralen says deeply, "I thought you enjoyed riding your horse, Kia :D" +Kia says, "No, no. " +Dralen says deeply, "Nono, Floid. Snuff the tobacco format." +Floid says, "That was the pun kids." +MegaWolf growls softly, "Man, anime with half serious realistically drawn characters and half cartoony emoticon/Snarf characters is just annoying to watch." +Himmel snickers. +Kia says, "https://mistersnuff.com/" +MegaWolf growls softly, "Visually annoying." +Floid says, "It was basically the worst pun ever, hence the warning shot." +Kia may or may not have a small collection of HorseMage pics, but that's beside the point. +Duelist peers at Kuttas! "I am surprised by that. Are there any places open right now? Delivery?" +Kuttas says, "Yeah, but they won't deliver out here in the sticks. I'll have to go in. The Buffet is open until 10:30" +Duelist hmms! Buffet! +Floid also scrolls up. Do not underestimate the popularity of the iPhone 5. Everyone at the office wants one even though they do not know why. Fashion symbol + this year's Buick. +MegaWolf nips Floid's dingo-y parts +Duelist do like buffet! +Dralen lives in Chinatown in Toronto. Can get Chinese food until about 3am. +MegaWolf growls softly, "Dingos!" +Kuttas does, too. He eats like a hyena. c.c +Floid says, "I cannot totally bitch about the 'we ran out of other things to do so we started figuring out how to improve the voice quality' part, though." +Kia shows up at Dralen's for dim sum. +Floid says, "That'll be nice when it trickles down into cheapphones." +Kia does not like NY chinatown. It's filthy, smells bad, and is crowded. Plus, it's full of Chinamen. +Floid says, "It does have That Smell to it, whatever that is." +Kia says, "Plus, it keeps expanding. " +Kia doesn't even understand it. Chinamen shouldn't be able to afford Manhattan. +MegaWolf growls softly, "Little Italy is now Little Tokyo" +Floid says, "Culturally I think the haggling thing runs deep there." +Floid does not recall much Tokyo there, Mega. +Kia says, "Nah, Little Italy is still there, but it's basically Disneyland. " +Floid says, "LI is down to one street, like, though. Is Puglia's still there?" +Kuttas says, "They have those little sugar-stuffed doughballs rolled in sesame seeds. They're delicious." +Kia says, "A couple blocks of red sauce restaurants. " +Dralen says deeply, "We'll go for dumplings next time, Kia." +Kuttas says, "Plus the steamed pork dumplings that remind me of mandu." +Kuttas says, "Hmm... perhaps I should go to the Korean restaurant, instead. I haven't had kimbap in forever." +Kia has occasionally wound up in Chinatown when running southwest. He's never happy about it. He's actually given up on running that direction--has realized that, while hitting USq sucks, it's like two blocks of pedestrian congestion. SoHo is block after block after block of hell. +Himmel purrpurrpurr, Kimbap. +Kia once wound up in TriBeCa when running southeast, which he almost never does. Lemur was lucky to make it back home. The streets down there make no sense. +Kia says, "And it's not like the Village, where at least you can occasionally sight off of the Freedom Tower. " +Kia says, "No landmarks at all. Just lots of little streets going off in no direction at all. " +Kia finally found the FDR and walked home. +Dralen had good Ethiopian the other day. "I'm lucky... I live in a neighborhood with just about any kind of major cuisine you could name. +Dralen says deeply, "In under 10 minute walk." +Dralen says deeply, "Under 5 for most." +Kia has that here too. +MegaWolf growls softly, "We have chinese and seriously overpriced thai" +Kia tried to take the ex for Ethiopean once. The walk was five minutes. The wait at the restaurant was more like 30 +MegaWolf growls softly, "And chain restaurants" +Kia still needs to get someone to go provide moral support for his battle with phaal. +Himmel says, "Pride goes before the Phaal." +Kuttas points at the lazing sleepers and goes all tribal, shouting, "Ki'i ki-rharg, ki'i etya stye ngyet-ngye!" +Rollo is sent home. +Rollo has left. +Khyber growls and lets the broom sweep him into a portal, but not before snapping it's handle. +Khyber has left. +Acy is sent home. +Acy has left. +JanusFox takes the hint and heads off someplace more quiet. +JanusFox has left. +MegaWolf squeek-meep Dralen +Kia wants to get on the Phaal of Fame. +MegaWolf noms on Floid, because dingo. +Somewhere on the muck, Triggur has reconnected. +Kia says, "Dingos nom on others. Mostly babbies. " +Kia says, "How are they formed, anyway? Babbies, I mean. Not dingoes. " +Himmel says, "How -is- babby formed?" +Kia wants to know how girl get pragnent. +MegaWolf pokes at Floidingo, who doesn't really seem to do much of anything at all. +Dralen smooches on Mega. +MegaWolf growls softly, "I think I should exchange him" +Kia gives Floid a pinch of snuff. Porn. +KurtMRufa teleports away. +KurtMRufa has left. +Somewhere on the muck, KurtMRufa has disconnected. +Kia says, "Benoit." +Dralen says deeply, "Balls." +Dralen says deeply, "See? It's automatic." +Kia kisses Dralen. :) +Dralen grins. +Mundy says, "Babby ate my balls." +Kia is going to introduce a coworker to Archer tomorrow. +Kia has already given her The Big Lebowski. Not to be confused with the Dude, or His Dudeness, or Duder, or El Duderino if you're not into that whole brevity thing. +Kuttas drapes over Srass. +Srass curls around and nuzzles along Kuttas. +Kia manages a 3/5 on the Composers edition of Truth or Fail. +Floid awws, his scrollback doesn't extend all the way to 'before he connected and immediately went to sleep.' +Kia hates that the vlogbrothers do not do all of the Truth or Fails. >:( +MegaWolf's fortune cookie is "The suspense is exciting. I hope it last." +Floid also had the experience of WTF Tribeca, come to think of it. +MegaWolf growls softly, "Does anyone make fortune cookies that actually tell fortunes anymore?" +Srass says, "Yeah, I see them all the time at the place I go to." +Duelist always gets cookies that say 'some damn woof will need biteys today'! +MegaWolf bop Duelist! +Kuttas idles to see why his alarm clock is going off. +Duelist growls quietly, "Pretty accurate!" +Duelist bitey MegaWoof! +Floid says, "Duelist the Poodle." +MegaWolf doesn't do anything bad but tigers and skunks bitey anyway! +MegaWolf growls softly, "Duoodle?" +Srass says, "Doodle!" +Kia pffs. 2/5 on Cats. +Duelist oh yeah! +Duelist feelin' FOXY! +MegaWolf kisses Duelist instead! +Duelist bitey MegaWoof! +Duelist growls quietly, "Now you got bitey from a fox too" +MegaWolf *smewch!* +MegaWolf growls softly, "Foxes are hot too :>" +MegaWolf nibbles all over fox ears! +Mundy says, "Maybe you should eat him, FOX." +Duelist ew! +Mundy says, "Hah" +MegaWolf flicks Mundy woof's nose +Mundy says, "Season him with dragon spoo first? ;)" +Duelist hms! +Duelist growls quietly, "Says the guy with the drum." +Kia grrrs. 3/5 on Muppets. +Mundy drops Mundy's Spooge Drum of One Hundred Gallons. +Kuttas climbs into the spooge filled drum with a thick *SCHPLUT!* +Kuttas has left. +Mundy <.< +Mundy says, "Kuttas says, "I found a penny!"" +Kuttas arrives from the foyer. +Kuttas c.c +Kuttas found a penny in there. TOTALLY worth it. +Srass says, "Be sure and wash it off." +Srass says, "Or go back in and spend it. c.c" +Kuttas says, "Spend it? On what?" +Kuttas rubs on Mundy. +Duelist muhahaha! +Floid says, "You just put it in that slot at the tip of his dick and see what comes out." +Srass says, "'Spend a penny' is a British idiom for taking a piss." +Skylos softly barks, "Kind of like seeing a man about a horse" +Kuttas hmms. That sounds vaguely familiar. +Floid finds http://www.furaffinity.net/view/8840919/ for Mega. +Somewhere on the muck, Tony_Cheval has disconnected. +Duelist hah! +Dachande. tilts his head... "That buldge is off." +Dachande. says, "It's like he has a sock in there." +Paladin barks, "He needs heelpads." +Dachande. says, "That too" +Dachande. says, "Everything is good except the crotch, the extra ass cheeks, and the heels" +Srass squints. "Extra ass cheeks?" +Kuttas says, "Probably best not to ask..." +Srass says, "Someone paid for that. o.o" +Kia'd see a man about a horse. +Kia'd also buy that for a dollar, but not *that.* +Dachande. says, "This is why you pay after you find out they look like they have a sock stuffed in their testicles." +Kia notes that if his mother was a sculptor, equestrian statues would looks slightly different. +Dachande. says, "More vag?" +Mundy says, "Here's a commission horror: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/7019725/ :)" +Dachande. says, "I swear I can read the sarcasam in post 4" +Himmel says, "Eh, there are people who would slobber over that." +Kia says, "Mom hates dogballs, so I assume she'd hate horseballs too. " +Dachande. says, "I blame my current inner monologue." +Kia says, "And equestrian statues always have horseballs. " +Srass says, "Your mom has tried dogballs?" +Dachande. says, "Of course they would have horseballs, they're a classic symbol of fertility." +Kia says, "In Russia, near St. Isaac's, there was this building... it didn't just have horseballs. It had horse sheath with plainly visible horsecock inside, complete with horse urethral process. " +Srass o.O +Dachande. says, "And lemur fingerprints? :D" +Kia wanted to take a picture, but was shy. <:) +Kia says, "Always it's a bit awkward with horse genitals. " +Dachande. says, "Ehh they are probably used to tourists from a prude country being surprised at the casual nature at which their country acceps the items that exist in reality on bodies." +Floid needs to upload merhorse dong that was down the street from the office for city art-horse-event-thing still. +Paladin ponders urethral process. +Mundy kisses Paladin! +Kia says, "Russia doesn't really have tourists, because they make it really fucking difficult. " +Kia would've also liked to have taken a picture of the Belgian mares, but... well, he took a picture of one's face. Not the other end. <:) +Kia says, "She did have a pretty face. But one does not just take a picture of a Belgian police mare's ass. " +Kuttas has left. +Kuttas arrives from the foyer. +Dachande. licks Kuttas! +Floid frowns at being 'home' which results in being handed drafts to read at 1:35AM on a Sunday and told what he'll be doing tomorrow. +Kia thinks Floid is continuing to exemplify why families should never have businesses. +Kia says, "Perhaps somewhat less than crazy bitch I have to deal with, but. " +Dralen says deeply, "There's a good result for a commission: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/8845139/" +Kia wishes that crazy bitch was as crazy in person as she is in email. IN person, she's charming. In email, she leads to me drinking myself stupid and cutting myself. +Srass says, "That's definitely an improvement." +Kia worries that, if he gets job at not fox, crazy bitch will become a friend's responsibility. No one should have to deal with crazy bitch. +Srass is rather fond of this particular commission, too, but he forgot who tipped him off to it: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/7118610/ +Kia thinks this commission is awesome. http://www.furaffinity.net/view/4172160 +Duelist bedtime! +Duelist licks Kuttas! +Duelist licks Srass! +Himmel says, "Dem balls." +Srass licks Duelist! +Himmel pet Duelist. +Duelist growls quietly, "You two be 'good'! >;)" +Duelist growls quietly, "Nite all!" +Srass says, "Aw, man!" +Kuttas hugs Duelist. +Kia asks you all to remind him to take his contacts out before bed. +Kuttas says, "Who us? O.o" +Duelist nods! 'good'! Note the quotes >;) +Kuttas c.c +Duelist grins. +Duelist goes home. +Duelist has left. +Himmel will, Kia. +Srass tries to imagine lemur contacts. They must be the size of dinner plates. o.o +Dachande. says, "It is nice seeing nuts in a size 15." +Srass says, "That's a nifty looking one, Kia, but... Man, those feet look nearly gollumesque somehow. o.o" +Somewhere on the muck, Triggur has disconnected. (But they're still online.) +Kia felt bad for Bryn Teufel watching the Ring. That blackout contact on his eye looked really uncomfy. +Kia gives Srass two big toes up. +Srass giggles. +Kia continues to love his favorite Warren Zevon song. +Kia says, "Even as it gets ever closer to my life. " +Kuttas should probably go get food. Probably too late for Chinese. +Dachande. likes this commision, http://bit.ly/RTYhu1 +Skylos winks out of sight in the sparkling glow of a space/time rift. +Skylos has left. +Dralen says deeply, "Never too late for Chinese... in my neighbourhood, at least." +Kuttas would totally encourage someone commission him if he didn't suck at drawing +Kia looks away down Second Avenue. +Kuttas says, "It closes early here. Well, not terribly early." +Kuttas says, "But too soon for me to haul ass in and eat." +Dachande. digs it because friend randomly did it for him, and added the cyan, which i kinda like. +Dachande. needs a real scan of it. +Kia peers at this and wonders if he'll have a scar. +Dachande. says, "You can rub sand in it if you want one." +Dachande. says, "Kitty sand works best, the infection helps the skin panic andd grow faster which results in the scar tissue formation." +Dachande. says, "Also the weeping puss will prolong the seperation of skin which agian, scar tissue." +Kuttas says, "Dach, you've got issues. o.o" +Floid says, "So that's how you got that nevus in the shape of Bob Dobbs." +Kia doesn't, really. +Dachande.:D +Kia says, "Just... well. Never mind. I'll spare you the crazy talk. " +Floid offers some Bactine, anyway. +Kesareya arrives from the foyer. +Kesareya pads in and flops. +Floid snugs on a Kes, tiredly. +Malkoten arrives from the foyer. +Malkoten flops. +Vetiver pats Malkoten. +Kesareya licks over Floid softly. +Floid says, "Vrrf." +Kesareya smiles and licks one of Floid's ears. +Srass strokes Malkoten. +Dralen okays. Falling asleep means bed time. +Kesareya says, "Aww, nini, draggy." +Srass hugs Dralen! +Srass says, "'Night!" +Kuttas noses Dralen. "Rest well." +Dralen smooches on Srass and Kuttas, and fuzzles all the length of Kia's tail. +Malkoten curls up around Srass trap like. +Dralen swishes his tail, and is gone. +Dralen has left. +Dachande. says, "AH well off to bed guys, ya'll take it easy." +Paladin cuddles Dachande.! +Srass says, "Same here on both counts." +Srass earscritches the lot of you. +Srass is set upon by amorphous, eyeless chartreuse anthropods of no distinct species, and vaguely tribal-looking garb. He is quickly bound and gagged, and dragged off by his ankles, struggling and trying to curse through the gag. +Srass has left. +Himmel says, "g'nigth." +Kesareya has left. +Malken has disconnected. +Floid hrh. Apparently he's been doing the protein-shake thing long enough that his body doesn't know what the fuck to do with a huge wad of pasta. +Lion_Cub arrives from the foyer. +Lion_Cub mehs. +Floid hm. Or he could've easily picked up some crud from dealing with visiting (and vacuuming portions of) dog-dust house and so on today. +Floid says, "So much loose DNA flopping around." +Kuttas mehs, also. +Floid applies some Purel, then pets L_C. +Lion_Cub craps, reading about Margaras. "That's awful." +Kuttas nods. +(p) In a page-pose to you, Lion_Cub hugs. "Ugh. Thanks for posting the obit." +Kyhwana nods at LC x.x +Floid then pets more. +Kuttas mehs again, abruptly fighting off tears once more. +Kuttas sighs. +Lion_Cub sorries. "I didn't mean to bring it up again." +Kuttas says, "No, no worries." +Kuttas says, "I've been doing this all day. I've still got his picture open on my desktop." +Himmel squeezes Kuttas. +Malkoten snugga LC! +Malkoten rumbles, "Just so you know LC, yer not allowed to die." +Lion_Cub noses a panther. +Lion_Cub purrs, "I hope you hold me to that." +Malkoten waggles his eyebrows +Lion_Cub curls up beside panthers. "Folsom is next weekend." +MegaWolf has disconnected. +Malkoten has never been. Far too Canadian. +Lion_Cub frowns. "I went with Andreal, once." x.x +Malkoten rearranges that so it makes more sense. Too far, Canadian :D +Malkoten rumbles, "what's it all about?" +Lion_Cub purrs, "The leather and what not." +Kia whistles for a taxi... +Kia leaves via the quiet Taxi service. +Kia has left. +Zhorah stirs +Himmel bed. +Himmel winks out of sight in the sparkling glow of a space/time rift. +Himmel has left. +Vetiver goes home. +Vetiver has left. +Floid also would've accepted "Far. Canadian, too." +Somewhere on the muck, Azure has disconnected. +Kuttas slips out +Kuttas has left. +Somewhere on the muck, Herefox has disconnected. +Lion_Cub winks out of sight in the sparkling glow of a space/time rift. +Lion_Cub has left. +Somewhere on the muck, Lion_Cub has disconnected. +Floid tries something sleep-related again. +Floid has disconnected. +Zeph arrives from the foyer. +Zeph rowr. +Kyhwana meow +Paladin barrrrk. +Zhorah has disconnected. +Somewhere on the muck, Tilton has disconnected. +Kareb arrives from the foyer. +Scruff arrives from the foyer. +Scruff chirps! +Zhorah is sent home. +Zhorah has left. +MegaWolf is sent home. +MegaWolf has left. +Floid is sent home. +Floid has left. +Malken raises a warding finger, and says serenly,"Do not bother, I can provide my own transportation." He then disappears in a swirl of darkness. +Malken has left. +Scruff leeeans in against Malks +Kyhwana chirp atta Scruff +Scruff hugsaleopardtail +Paladin barks, "Spots and dots." +Scruff has those! Although some of them are more like smudges o.o +Paladin has fluff and ruff. +Paladin barks, "Though I do have a spotty dawg laying around." +Zeph mews, "Mornin' Scruffles!" +Kareb has disconnected. +Scruff chirps, "You're a snowleopard again! <3" +Zeph is! He rekatted. +Malkoten unidles +Malkoten hugsa Scruffs, could use cuddles ^.^ +Malkoten thinks he's gonna head to bed now. 2 am is bed time *nods* +Malkoten winks out of sight in the sparkling glow of a space/time rift. +Malkoten has left. +Scruff sneaksouttoo +Scruff teleports away. +Scruff has left. +Somewhere on the muck, Scruff has disconnected. +Himmel arrives from the foyer. +Himmel says, "The sandman and I have had a disagreement." +Himmel whistles for a bouncer, and when it comes near, the nametag says, "Fresh," and it has dice in one ear. +Kareb is sent home. +Kareb has left. +Somewhere on the muck, Triggur has disconnected. +Zeph has disconnected. +Kyhwana lifts up the rug and pushes all the sleepers under it.. he jumps on it a few times and the rug goes flat +Zeph is sent home. +Zeph has left. +Kyhwana durp +Undine arrives from the foyer. +Himmel says, "Hey, Unds." +Himmel says, "Did you hear?" +Undine says, "What?" +Himmel says, "About Margs." +Himmel gestures toward the message board. +Kyhwana mrps at Undines +Draconis arrives from the foyer. +Draconis mwrf. +Undine says, "Thanks Himmel." +Draconis sad :( +Himmel rubs Undine. +Himmel and Draco. +Draconis nuz. +Himmel rubs Dracosnout. +Undine has connected. +Undine has disconnected. + +You have been logged out due to inactivity. + +% Connection to furry closed by foreign host. +\end{verbatim} +\newpage + +\begin{verbatim} +% Trying to connect to furry: 74.207.243.108 8889. +% Connected to furry. +#$#mcp version: "2.1" to: "2.1" +Welcome to + _____ _ _ _ _ _ __ _ , SM + / ' ' ) ) ) ' ) / / ) ' ) / + ,-/-, . . __ __ __ , / / / / / / /-< + (_/ (_/_/ (_/ (_/ (_/ / ' (_ (__/ (__/ / ) + / + ' + The first 99 & 44/100% anthropomorphic/Furry TinyMu* + +(The SM means that FurryMuck is a Service Mark of the FurryMuck Wizards) +To connect to your existing character, type "connect ". +To receive a new character, send mail to join@furrymuck.com +To see the latest news, type "news" after connecting to a character. +To disconnect from a character, type "QUIT". +Use the WHO command to find out who is currently online. +Use the 'whereare' command to find places with active people. +Use the 'wizzes' command to see what Wizards are on line, or the 'helpstaff' + command to see who of the help staff is on. +Use "connect guest guest" to visit FurryMUCK as a guest. +All users of FurryMuck are bound by our AUP. "NEWS AUP" to read this document. +---- + +Sadly, FurryMuck has lost one of its own. + +S'A'Alis, May 29, 1963 -- September 5, 2012, the Large Furry Marsupial, and a +member of the L'Drey, a space-faring, fox-like species. He was never without his +'Eternally Filled Highly Caffeinated Coffee Mug of Doom'. From 1993 - 1999, +S'A'Alis hosted the servers that FurryMUCK ran on, and was a character creation +wizard 1993-2001. Condolences can be sent to his beloved wife, IceWolf: + +M. Vogt, W5910 Genske Road, Black Creek, WI 54106 + +Life is eternal, and love is immortal, +and death is only a horizon; +and a horizon is nothing save the limit of our sight. + -Rossiter Worthington Raymond + +---- +Apartment.(#51076RLJA) +More of a studio or loft than anything this apartment has had all separating walls removed except for those protecting the privacy of those engaging in bathroomly behaviors.. Nestled in one corner is a kitchenette type thing with an island counter for eating. Along an opposite wall are large picture windows, at the base of which a low platform surrounding two mattresses set next to each other on the ground, creating a sort of soft spot in the floor to serve as a ginormous bed type thing, with a few comfortors and loads of pillows tossed in to complete the image. +Contents: +BUTTON: He Who's Ears Are Upon Him(#51757) +Macchi +Ranna's Tails(#58415X) +Fluffy pink ribbon for Astarael's decidedly fluffy tails +Makyo stretches out and yawns toothily, shaking Makyo's fur out. +Players online for whom you are watching: +Danish Makyo Sarusa +Done. +The next scheduled database save will be in 0 secs. +You place a strategic call to one deity or another. +Makyo disappears in a puff of complacency. +Purple Nurple Foyer(#52464RLJ) +You step in through the door and into a cramped foyer. Advertising +posters plaster the walls and there's another door right in front +of you (east). The door is padded purple vinyl, studded in a diamond +pattern. This is the Purple Nurple, Furrymuck's gay/les/bi nightclub +and meeting place. Feel free to come on in if you are straight too.. we +don't bite (unless you ask nicely ;) There is a sign on the wall next to +the door and a notice where the computer used to be, saying that it's now +in the main room. +Players inside the Nurple: + Danish Singe Draconis Kyhwana + Paladin Dachande. +[Exits: to the Purple Nurple to Sable Street] +Contents: +PN RULES : READ THIS TO BE ABLE TO ENTER +You enter the PN +Makyo disappears in a puff of complacency. +The Purple Nurple +You are in the Purple Nurple, furry's premier gay/les/bi spot. +The room is large, a converted warehouse - the ceiling's +about fifty feet above the crowded floor. An entire suspended +lighting grid swivels back and forth in the middle of the room, +rigged with a complex array of lights, lasers and mirrors. +The overall effect is of an alien spacecraft hovering about twenty +feet over the dance floor. Huge projection wall-screens flicker +images of furries dancing, clips from anime movies, computer +graphics reels and old cartoons. The music is loud, thumping +techno and house, bass thundering through the gyrating furries +on the dance floor. +To one side is a lounge area, acoustically out of the main thrust +of the speaker stacks allowing normal conversation. A bar with +every drink known is along the wall of the lounge, and +the floor is scattered with heavy-duty beanbag chairs, funky couches, +and other assorted furnishings, all roomy enough for at least two furs. +A small staircase leads up to the Nurple Apartments. +Contents: +Danish +Fiend Plushie +Singe +Draconis +Kyhwana +Paladin +Dachande. +All complaints --> Rigel +NURPLE ADULT/PG POLICIES ****** PLEASE READ +Bulletin Board +Name Sex Species ('whospe #help' for help) +Makyo N/A Anthro Arctic Foxy +Danish Manmoose Manmoose +Singe[idle 11m] Male Anthro Fire Dragon +Draconis[asleep] male Daggin +Kyhwana[idle 1h] male Young morphic'leopard +Paladin[idle 8m] Male Big Blond Dingo +Dachande.[idle 21m] Male. Wolf. +Makyo recurl. Just for a bit. +Kyhwana mrp, pets curled Makyos +Danish snuzzle on fox. +Somewhere on the muck, Miko has connected. +Miko arrives from the foyer. +Miko wanders in. +Paladin ruffle-snuffles Miko! +Miko pets Paladin! +Danish lows, "Hey, squirrel." +Makyo nosenoses at folks, prrf. +Miko snoofs fox in the ear and perches in an antler. +Makyo sqkyprr ^^ +Makyo should probably go shower, alas. Gotta walkadoggy one last time before a week without dogwalking. +Makyo recurl, sticks around here for a while. In and out throughout the day. +Away message and away flag are now set. +Paladin likes to 'walk the dog'! +Draconis has connected. +Draconis whrf. +Draconis hugs Miko! +Draconis nibbles Danish! +Danish nar. +Somewhere on the muck, Tigerwolf has connected. +Somewhere on the muck, Tigerwolf has disconnected. +Undine arrives from the foyer. +Miko hugs Undine! +Undine hugs Miko! +Undine snugs Dachande.! +Danish nuzzles Undine! +Undine says, "D-ain-sorta." +Danish eyep. +Undine says, "How's it going?" +Danish is ok, still waking up. Yourself? +Undine says, "I found two mah-hooos-ive slugs in the garden when getting rid of the ornamental plants." +Danish ooh. Sounds like an exciting morning. +Undine has to go make lunch, has a wobble. +JanusFox arrives from the foyer. +Draconis has disconnected. +Paladin has disconnected. +Paladin yawns and curls up in a big blond ball of dingoness, putting his muzzle on his paws and his tail over his face. +Miko chatters, "Undines wobble but they don't fall down." +Miko chatters, "Unless they've had three bottles of wine." +Danish pokes Miko. "Major Mud's Medicinal Tincture." +Cain arrives from the foyer. +Danish braq. +Undine has disconnected. +Cain Qrab +Danish nods. +Cain lean on Danish +Cain whistles for a bouncer, and a huge gorilla steps out of nowhere, and hauls out the sleeping furries. "Time ta go, boyz.." he growls.. +Undine is sent home. +Undine has left. +Draconis is sent home. +Draconis has left. +Paladin grunts when he gets woken up, pads over to the sweeper and buttpurrs, then padpads off home. +Paladin has left. +Miko chatters, "Ah, yes, of course." +Miko idles for approximately forever, or the length of time it goes to have lunch with mum. +Danish pets Cain, waves to outbound squirrel. +Kyhwana has disconnected. +Gyroe arrives from the foyer. +Gyroe growlfs! +Danish lows, "Heya." +Somewhere on the muck, Sarusa has disconnected. +Gyroe rumbles, "Rowr." +Dralen arrives from the foyer. +Dralen meeeeeeeeeeeeeeps. +Dralen leans on Gyroe. +Gyroe kneads him some droxy. +Dralen rrrrrrs and wiggles and purpurrrs. +Zeph arrives from the foyer. +Zeph rowr. +Cain pats ZephRowrs +Dralen meeeps and tailswishes at Zeph. +Gyroe licks Zeph! +Zeph licks Gyroe and Dralen some. +Gyroe to bed! +Gyroe goes home. +Gyroe has left. +JanusFox zephmews. +Zeph snugs on SpookyFox! +JanusFox licks in Zephears. +Dralen pushes Zeph over and cuddles on top of him. +Puc arrives from the foyer. +Puc mrwrfs. +Somewhere on the muck, Herefox has connected. +Cain puts Puc in a bowl of jello! +Puc o.O +Zeph, with dragonfox atop! +Puc swims through the jello, snagging a cherry on his way out ala-Pacman *nom*. +Dralen rrrrrs softly and closes his eyes and strokes at sneppid. +Cain claps +Dralen annoyed at Sandra and Woo >:( +Zeph rumbles osme. +Dralen nibbles on Zeph's ears. +Puc stretches and mrrfs. +Djirin arrives from the foyer. +Djirin has left. +Somewhere on the muck, Triggur has connected. +Somewhere on the muck, Zhorah has connected. +Zhorah arrives from the foyer. +Zhorah waves. +Zhorah sleepdrgn +Puc has disconnected. +Somewhere on the muck, Triggur has disconnected. +MegaWolf arrives from the foyer. +MegaWolf arranges Dachande and Cain for maximum pillow usage, drapes across them. +Srass arrives with a sudden echoing boom, and a musical flourish involving two dozen brass instruments, six timpani, and a crash of cymbals. Angels sing in beautiful harmony, and sprinkle sparkling dust over him. +Srass has arrived. +Dralen meeeeps at Srass and Xane. +Srass coils around Dralen. +Dralen rrrrrs quietly. +Cain has disconnected. +Duelist arrives from the foyer. +Duelist .... uhhh +Srass licks all the usual suspects' ears. Duelist included. +Duelist yips! +Duelist licks Srass! +Duelist is Kaiser Soze! +Srass says, "Who is Kaiser Soze? Did he depose Kaiser Permanente?" +Duelist oh! He spelled it wrong. Keyser Soze! +Undine arrives from the foyer. +Duelist growls quietly, "He's the 'bad guy' in the movie 'The Usual Suspects'" +Undine waves! +Duelist licks Undine! +Undine licks Duelist! +Srass hugs Undine! +Undine hugs Srass! +Undine says, "Hello." +Duelist growls quietly, "Which, if you have never seen, I highly recommend." +Undine slumps on a couch. "What's going on?" +Srass says, "Just sitting here existing, at the moment." +Zeph is prettyfying his Bandcamp site that is looked at by nobody ever. +Undine's resting after stripping more wallpaper off the wall and finding a big band of steel, for no apparent reason. +MegaWolf squeek Dralen +MegaWolf growls softly, "Vhat a tweest" +Dralen rrrrrrrs. +MegaWolf licks Duelist's ears +MegaWolf snouts Undine +MegaWolf growls softly, "It's the tension band holding the entire house up" +Dralen says deeply, "It's an elastrator for the bottom half of the house." +Zeph mews, "It keeps the bad ether out." +Djirin arrives from the foyer. +Djirin boink +Dralen idles for brekkie. +Undine suspects it's for the Ether retention, as Zeph says. +Undine noses Megawolf. +MegaWolf pets Undine's parts +Srass mouths on Djirin. +Duelist growls quietly, "You sure it's steel?" +Undine says, "It's ferrous and galvanised." +Djirin gets drooled on? ew +Djirin points Srass at Undine instead +Srass drools on Undine and Djirin both. +Undine pets Srass' head, drips on Djirin. +Zeph mews, "Poor old Srass can do nothing but drool." +Undine says, "Leaky cat, does that when he's excited." +Zeph mews, "Oh, Unds, I got a really good book on abstract painting." +Danish rubs Srass' flank. +Zeph mews, "I also ordered a book on doing clever things with acrylics but they inexplicably sent me watercolour paper instead." +Undine laughs! +Srass purrs, and nuzzles Danish. +Undine says, "Beautiful." +Undine says, "What's the book?" +Undine says, "Danish, I was uttering something about you to someone you'll never meet." +Zeph mews, "'Painting Abstracts' by Rolina van Vliet, translated from Dutch." +Danish lows, "You're referring to the thing you just said to me and you're trying to make my head explode with recursion." +Danish lows, "Never again." +Djirin idles. lawn mowing awaits +Singe bobbles up the sleepers, but for how long? +Puc heads to the sweeper's home to bang their mother. +Puc has left. +Cain swears, "It's the Fuzz!" before hopping in his car and making a hasty getaway. +Cain has left. +Kyhwana jumps up and gives the sweeper a big *smooch* and bounds off home +Kyhwana has left. +Singe ding +Undine says, "Would I ever try such a thing.." +Duelist could mow his lawn. 11 blades of bermuda grass have seem to poked up thru his uhhh 'yard'. He should go remove them. +Undine dug out corms and rhizomes of various plants in his garden. Getting rid! :D Turnin the place back to bare soil. +Duelist do not allow unauthorized plant life on his property! +Undine hehs, it's a bit harder here. Plants grow a lot. +Undine says, "Did you see the state of the house, Duelist? All the boarded up windows?" +Makyo peeks on from phone. Awful client, but hi :3 +MegaWolf petpets Makyo +MegaWolf growls softly, "I was going to do yard work then suddenly rain" +Miko unidles and cheekrubs on Makyo. +Makyo peeks on from phone. Awful client, but hi :3 +Zhorah licks Makyonose +You say, "augh, this may be too awful..." +Zhorah licks Miko nose too. +Zhorah idle for breakfast +Miko squeeps. +Makyo nuzz at Miks and Mega and Zhorah, just watches instead +Undine hugs Srass! +Miko bought a couple of drinkies. Something that looks suspiciously like a Scandiwegian knockoff of Scrumpy Jack. +Miko chatters, "'S called "Happy Jack" and comes in "dry" or "oaky"." +Puc arrives from the foyer. +Duelist demands to see boarded up house! +Singe growls, "err ner! http://cheezburger.com/6576656384" +Duelist looks at the googler. +Undine says, "Google+, duelist. :)" +Undine says, "Just uploading." +Duelist sees Srass is making a bad decision.... +Duelist growls quietly, "What, you don't want a giant window in your can, Undine?" +Srass says, "I'm crossing over to the dark side! Aaaahahahahahaaaaa!" +Duelist growls quietly, "C'mon, get to know yer neighbors!" +Srass also hugs Undine. +Undine says, "Haa, there will be a giant window there, even bigger than the previous two. :)" +Undine strokes Srass lovingly. +Zeph mews, "Fling poop at passers-by." +Duelist growls quietly, "All glass walls in the can." +Duelist growls quietly, "That's what I would do." +Undine chuckles. "Horrible!" +Duelist growls quietly, "Make absolutely sure that no one could ever be comfortable." +Undine says, "Not the "water closet" but the "solar poop incinerator"." +Duelist growls quietly, "At least a jail cell has one solid wall." +Zeph cackles! +Srass says, "Claude's old boss actually did have a sliding glass door in the bathroom." +Duelist growls quietly, "So what are you doing here, Undine?" +Undine says, "I know, taking a small break from the shit-storm that is my current existence." +Undine says, "Having a cup of tea. Litrally it's now and times when i'm asleep or on "the can" where I stop to think." +Duelist growls quietly, "A man does some of his best thinking on the can." +Undine says, "Want any more pics, Duelist?" +Duelist growls quietly, "Well of course!" +Zeph mews, "Being able to think while asleep is an impressive ability." +Zeph mews, "Also it sounds like TIGR wants pictures of you on the loo, squish." +Dralen remeeps. +Duelist growls quietly, "Nah, that ain't my thing." +Duelist growls quietly, "I get it, some folks are into it, but...." +Undine nodnods. "I know, it has been said that there is no greater man than the thinker at-stool." +Duelist growls quietly, "I just never could." +Zeph grins, didn't think it was, just being daft. +Undine says, "Don't you think while asleep, Zeph?" +Zeph mostly has batshit-insane dreams. +Undine ahems, "I meant of the house, of course." +Makyo finds a slightly better client, cheer. +Zeph huzz, better phonefox! +Makyo wigglewiggle :3 +Duelist growls quietly, "You know, your thoughts might be better than mine but I have thoughts going around in my head too about different thinkings and brain things that you can use." +Duelist growls quietly, "You guys don't always know what's best. My fuckin' thoughts have feelings of their own too sometimes." +Miko chatters, "Today's Finnishism: "To be with a wing on the ground"" +Makyo's thoightsare pretty fuzzy +Srass says, "Brain things. How do I get those?" +MegaWolf licks Duelist's brains +Undine uploads some more ppics. +Undine zzziiip! +You yerf, "Better client doesn't mean foxes can type on a phone, alas." +Miko chatters, "i.e. to be low, depressed, etc. Presumably derived from the behaviour of injured avians." +Undine says, "To have GIMS?" +Srass says, "Aww, it's a snee!" +Miko chatters, "GIMS is different." +Miko chatters, "Ooh, panorama of Randon's yard. http://t.co/PP4KKpR8" +Duelist growls quietly, "Who?" +Miko chatters, "My friend (and ex's current boyfriend) whose place I spend an inordinate amount of time at." +Duelist growls quietly, "Undine, did you remove ALL your windows?" +Undine says, "They were too small.." +Undine says, "Or didn't exist before." +Duelist growls quietly, "Too small?!" +Duelist growls quietly, "Ohh, I like that thinking." +Duelist growls quietly, "I love windows." +Undine says, "Yeah srass, a cauldron of snee." +Makyo huhs. Guy at gate with honest to goodness man-pris +MegaWolf http://skia.deviantart.com/art/Phone-Fox-175079615 +Undine says, "I like light. :)" +Duelist growls quietly, "I totally misread, Miko. Of course we know Randon (or at least know of him)." +Miko chatters, "Oh right." +Duelist growls quietly, "Wow, that's such a peaceful lookin' place." +Srass says, "Foxyfluffs really *are* phone dialers! 8D" +Duelist growls quietly, "Forest and Subaru" +Miko chatters, "He occasionally complains about the neighbours." +Duelist growls quietly, "Or is that an Audi?" +Miko chatters, "'Cause, like, once or twice a week one will walk past in the road." +You yerf, "pagemail that to me, Mega?" +Duelist growls quietly, "Everything looks the same from the side nowadays" +You sense you have new mail from MegaWolf. +Miko chatters, "It's a turbo diesel Passat." +Duelist growls quietly, "See what I mean?" +Miko chatters, "Yeah, I hear ya." +MegaWolf pets the foxyo +Duelist used to be able to identify cars via profile! +You yerf, "Fanks :3" +Miko chatters, "It's nicely located. Not a long way to the lake, either, and the house comes with a boat spot for some reason." +Duelist growls quietly, "For a boat" +Undine sniffs the air. Autumn's coming and he has a house with big gaping holes. Fuuuuuuccck. +Makyo prr, prr. +Miko chatters, "It's rowboats there mostly. Kinda in the sticks." +Duelist growls quietly, "I know! Seasons are changing! It's only 99F around here nowadays." +Undine gotta go, back to the grind. "Take care all." +Duelist licks Undine! +Undine snugs Duelist! +Srass kisses Undine! +Undine says, "Be good, Skunklista." +Duelist o.o +Duelist rahter foxy today, ya know +Undine says, "Srass, for god sake, cover up." +Srass dangles at Undine! +You yerf, "Byeeee" +Miko chatters, "Not far from a city where rich people tend to have summer homes, though. Nice part of the world. Of course, he went from "casually dating" to "wanting to move in with" a guy who lives halfway across the country around the same time buying the house was finalized, so he's not *entirely* satisfied with his present homeownership.." +Undine says, "Eep!" +Srass says, "They don't make clothes my size!" +Undine says, "Miko, put that away." +Miko chatters, "It's nice out, but put it away?" +Duelist growls quietly, "Hey that reminds me." +Undine says, "Danish, for the last time.. take that out of your mouth." +Duelist growls quietly, "I haven't done that hot little finnish guy in awhile." +Undine snugs Miko! +Undine teleports away. +Undine has left. +MegaWolf nips foxy rump! +Somewhere on the muck, Herefox has disconnected. +Zhorah returns +Zhorah had biscuits +You say, "Alright. Enough of this phone business. Gonna reidle." +Makyo nuzznuzz lots of folks, curl. +Zhorah pets bigfox +Floid arrives from the foyer. +"Ar," Floid says "f." +Zhorah leans on Floid. +Zeph fuzzles on Floidingo some. +Duelist licks Zhorah! +Floid kickstand. +Floid pets notayenas. +Zeph rekatted. +Zhorah snug snlep! +Floid read that as reratted for a moment, got hopes up. +Srass noses Floid. +Puc waves a hand over his head where smoke has been beginning to build. +Floid gets secondhand Puc. +o/~ Katu tdyttyy askelista, eldmd on kuolemista o/~ Pane kdsi kdteen, ollaan hiljaa o/~ [Miko] +Duelist =^.^= +Dralen sprawwwwwwwwwwwwwwls. +Samanthia arrives from the foyer. +Samanthia slinks in. +Samanthia pets DLST. +Srass nuzzles along Samanthia. +Zeph oh wow, best photoshopping ever 10/10 < http://mutanerda.deviantart.com/art/MONTADA-321193687 > +Samanthia pets Srass up and down. +Djirin has left. +MegaWolf nibbles Floid's 2001st part. +Cain arrives from the foyer. +Cain grunt +Zeph licks on Cainwoofs some. +Cain wig-el +Floid loses hearing in one ear, thus. +Cain flees +Cain teleports away. +Cain has left. +MegaWolf has disconnected. +Zhorah has disconnected. +Floid wonders what is wrong with him re: 70F feeling freezing. End-of-summer-syndrome, clearly. +JanusFox was thinking the same thing heh. +Puc has disconnected. +Somewhere on the muck, Azure has connected. +Djirn arrives from the foyer. +Djirn crawls all over Srass. *crawl*crawl* +Floid says, "http://www.furaffinity.net/view/8789565/" +Floid thinks Djirsrassles will appreciate that. +Djirn blink +Singe growls, "fox! http://www.topatoco.com/merchant.mvc?Screen=PROD&Store_Code=TO&Product_Code=SGR-EATED" +Srass pets all over Djirin. +JanusFox perks at shirt, needs. +Srass says, "I dunno about the cicada nipples. o.o" +JanusFox yips, "Angry ticks fire out of my nipples." +Miko chatters, "For the love of all that's holy, my anus is bleeding!" +Floid offers Miko a manpon. +JanusFox yips, "Well that's okay, even the one guy one jar guy survived without surgery." +Floid says, "Holy shit. http://www.furaffinity.net/view/8820873/" +Zhorah has connected. +Zhorah rumbles, "I thought it was quiet" +JanusFox yips, "Man, people will hug you anywhere in a fursuit." +Floid says, "He did train first. http://www.furaffinity.net/view/8540284/" +Kia arrives from the foyer. +Kia frinks. +Kia calls up Comrade Stalin, who shows up in his orange vest with a broom to sweep the sleepers off to their homes. +Puc heads to the sweeper's home to bang their mother. +Puc has left. +MegaWolf is sent home. +MegaWolf has left. +Djirn frunk +Duelist growls quietly, "One should really close mouf when skydiving." +Duelist growls quietly, "One never knows what'll fly up in there." +Floid demands one of these things for a pillow. http://www.furaffinity.net/view/7700639/ +Floid says, "As the comments mention, he would've had to rubber-band it shut. Which probably would've looked silly on video." +Dralen meeeeeeeeeeps. +Duelist growls quietly, "Hah, the video is awesome" +Floid got no frash on this thing. +Duelist growls quietly, "That is really really cool." +Floid says, "I think maybe I should throw out 4 years of completely-out-of-date configuration (read: move to another ~/oldhome/, /oldetc) and just reinstall the latest DragonFly hotness." +Himmel arrives from the foyer. +Duelist growls quietly, "That's really awesome!" +Himmel obtains Danish. Uses it as a perch. +Dralen says deeply, "Haha! Cat sleep positions: http://www.buzzfeed.com/paws/awkward-cat-sleeping-positions" +Floid says, "It's a shame all my homebuild machines are un-identical tracking every AM2 chipset Radeon X200orwhatever -> 780G, or I could swap some shit out of the office and put the single-core Semprons back in those and have relatively-low-power fast-as-hell-for-home-server-use boxes." +Floid says, "I wonder if they didn't cut the ECC lines in those." +Floid wonders that, then remembers that all the ECC DIMMs he bought uselessly are DDR2. +Floid says, "It appears Lenovo paid someone to go through specific trouble to not draw those traces on the board on the Thinkwhatever tower that is the office "server"." +Himmel squeezes Floid's stuff. +Floid got no room for racks, though, and the only thing office needs is a switch to AM2 from 939 (hrrr) to deal with running Windows in a VM at faster-than-molasses speed. It's still faster than NT on a 486, though. +Dachande. Waks up, surprirsed to find he slept in til 10. +Floid says, "Barely, but still." +Duelist growls quietly, "They got little tiny cabinets you can mount way up on a wall." +Zeph licks on Dachwuff some. +Dachande. licks on Zeph more. +Duelist growls quietly, "It'll hold a server, a switch...." +Floid says, "Economically and cosmetically it makes really little sense." +Duelist growls quietly, "Is this in your house?" +Floid should just trade crap out of the 'server' box into something homebuild with a board that consents to believe ECC exists someday. +Floid says, "Nah, law office, think bedroom-sized plus cubicle out in the floor-farm." +Duelist growls quietly, "I uhhh can't think that." +Duelist growls quietly, "I'm all about the true corporate office" +Floid says, "The real thing is, with ATX crap... let's say the worst happens and PSU fries, I have 3 spares at home plus Staples down the road." +Floid says, "If rack PSU fries, we gotta dump $300 on getting some stupid custom piece of shit FedEx'd out." +Floid says, "It really don't make sense for 'SOHO.'" +Duelist growls quietly, "Why not just cloud it?" +Duelist growls quietly, "Yeah I said it....cloud. Ugh." +Duelist growls quietly, "Or is it some goofy 'file server' thing?" +Floid says, "I'm a little tetchy about that because legal." +Duelist growls quietly, "Oh yeah, that's right." +Floid says, "Whup phone." +Huh? (Type "help" for help.) +JanusFox is just happy not to need AT power supplies anymore. +Srass has arrived. +Srass has left. +JanusFox yips, "Had that one spare kicking around for years. People kept having them :P" +Samanthia hands Duelist: http://laspegasusunicon.com +Duelist growls quietly, "Oh for f...." +Duelist growls quietly, "At the Riviera? Haha" +Dachande. says, "Huh, wouldn't have figured the riv would be where they'd hold a bronycon." +Himmel says, "You should go, Dach." +Himmel says, "Bring a +1." +Himmel looks meaningfully at Duelist. >=3 +Dachande. says, "Hahh, well they do have Tara Strong,sot hey might actually get a decent crowd." +Miko chatters, "What's the Riviera like?" +Miko chatters, "That name sounds like it's kinda cheap and trashy." +Dachande. says, "Kind of old, little small compared to some of the others on the strip but it's nice." +Miko chatters, "Ooh right." +Miko chatters, "I didn't think of the possibility it'd be a vintage name." +Dachande. says, "It's just one of the original ones." +Himmel pets Miko's ears. +Miko chatters, "From back when the Riviera as an idea had an air of sophistication, Sophia Loren and cocktails." +Dachande. says, "But unlike Cesars which was an early strip presence but just grew and grew and grew until you feel like the casino never effing ends. Riv is still pretty swank though." +Himmel says, "This next part of Black Mesa I'm about to do is freaking impossible." +Singe growls, "which part?" +Himmel says, "The Box-to-Box jumping." +Himmel is like gaaaaah. +Dachande. says, "Pretend the floor is lava." +Dachande. says, "Surely we've all traind for that since childhood." +Himmel is gonna eat lunch, first. +Himmel says, "Well, yes." +Himmel says, "But if Videogames were controlled with my own actions, I'd be even better at them." +JanusFox also fox... http://www.topatoco.com/merchant.mvc?Screen=PROD&Store_Code=TO&Product_Code=RUMB-SKATEFRIENDS&Category_Code=WELCOME +Himmel just imagines, full-body control and VR-rendering of Assassin's Creed. Any downstairs neighbors he'd have would hate him, but it'd be such fun! +Miko chatters, "Is there anywhere that looks like the 70s?" +Himmel says, "... Rural Sweden?" +Miko would love to go to a hotel/casino in Vegas that's themed to look like a hotel/casino in Vegas ca. 1965. +Zeph mews, "Tara Strong's awesome." +Zeph goes back to sleep. +Himmel lunchtiemnao. +Dachande. says, "The Golden Gate Club is like that Miko, they kind of never updated other than the machines." +JanusFox nodnods at Miko, wants that too. +Samanthia slinks out. +Samanthia teleports away. +Samanthia has left. +Zeph hugs about, sneaks to feed his mewface. +Zeph goes home. +Zeph has left. +Somewhere on the muck, Zeph has disconnected. +JanusFox wants 1971 and pink carpet. +JanusFox yips, "Actually the Florida Keys come close in some places. But that's a different story." +Himmel wants 192X and a Jazz Club. But, of course, with all his modern comforts like video games and hair-straighteners. +Himmel says, "Well... Hair-straighteners that aren't just Irons." +Dachande. says, "They're squeezing irons." +Dachande. says, "Great for dual creesing socks." +JanusFox doesn't think Himmel wants the 1920s. +Himmel totally wants the 1920s. +Himmel says, "The Fashion, the Music." +JanusFox yips, "The racism :3" +Himmel points: Jazz Club. +Himmel would be safer than elsewhere! +Himmel says, "Of course, if I, as a musician, gained any sort of following, I'd be targetted for being an abomination." +Himmel says, "But oh, well!" +Himmel seriously, lunch. +Mundy arrives from the foyer. +Zhorah rawr some +Somewhere on the muck, Herefox has connected. +Kia has disconnected. +Mundy gooses Duelist! +Singe growls, "BOXES http://www.vgcats.com/comics/" +Mundy stares at FOX. +Zhorah rawr. +Zhorah has disconnected. +Zhorah has connected. +Zhorah eek +Zhorah clings to people +Duelist =O.O= +Somewhere on the muck, Rollo has connected. +Mundy licks Duelist! +Miko flails with a stick at nutritional information labeled "serving size: 1 serving". +Duelist licks Mundy! +Dralen has left. +Singe growls, "there's this One-A-Day brand of chewable multivitamins that instructs you to take two." +Mundy fiddles with FOX belly. +Djirn takes two Singe's a day. *nibble* +JanusFox likes gummy multivitamins, cause, gummy. +Zhorah rawr +Dachande. says, "I think One-A-Day referres to just the one dose, but really it'd be beter to have 2 a day in different intervals since you're going to piss out most of the first one by mid day." +Djirn urps +Duelist growls quietly, "I believe 'One-A-Day' is a brand name" +Djirn purrs quietly, "it is" +Singe growls, "and the not-chewable version you do take only one of" +Duelist growls quietly, "Man" +Duelist growls quietly, "So I started looking up weird and bad brand names..." +Duelist growls quietly, "And I found this: http://tinyurl.com/5wwurk" +Duelist growls quietly, "Waht the hell was wrong with us back then?" +Danish lows, "http://www.dangerouslaboratories.org/radscout.html The rosy-cheeked lad at the bottom turned his backyard into a Superfund site as an Eagle Scout project." +Singe growls, "in shoe stores there was a popular x-ray machine for measuring feet. huge doses." +Duelist growls quietly, "Yeah, but this...." +Dachande. would like a radium watch, bets it still tics. +Duelist growls quietly, "All radium. Brush your teeth with radium toothpaste, wash it down with radium water....plug a radium suppository up your ass and wrap some around your balls....oh, and hasve a little radium chocolate for dessert." +Mundy licks Dachande.! +Dachande. taastes of hot sauce +Mundy's tongue bursts into flames. +Danish lows, "If Mundy's teeth were on fire..." +Danish unzips. +Somewhere on the muck, Rollo has disconnected. +Mundy <.< +Somewhere on the muck, Tony_Cheval has connected. +Mundy ponders a set of dentures, where all the teeth are shaped and colored like flames, and made out of a translucent material. +Djirn purrs quietly, "And have mini led's in them so they light up?" +Zhorah has disconnected. +Zhorah has connected. +Zhorah clean now +Djirn has left. +MegaWolf arrives from the foyer. +MegaWolf licks Floid +MegaWolf growls softly, "Curled curly tail" +MegaWolf http://www.puplookup.com/content/images/dog-breeder/breeder_2359_662.jpg +MegaWolf also *smewches* Duelist FOX! +Dachande. licks MegaWolf! +MegaWolf nuz nuz Dachande +Zhorah has disconnected. +Travis arrives from the foyer. +Zeph arrives from the foyer. +Zeph mewmewmews. +Kia has connected. +Travis waves +MegaWolf kisses snowmew +Zeph purrs on MegaPup some. +Zeph wiggles paws idly. +Duelist stretch out! +MegaWolf kisses Duelist 'gain too! +MegaWolf sneaks, RL +MegaWolf has disconnected. +Floid says, "Man, seriously Japanese people can be macabre." +Zeph mews, "Explain?" +Singe growls, "guro?" +Floid says, "This nice middle-aged immigrant friend-client lady is having trouble finding a decent job here after a divorce and trying to decide if she's moving back to Japan to basically linger around the nursing home where her folks are living until they're gone and it's her turn to wind up in it." +Somewhere on the muck, Azure has disconnected. +Danish lows, "I think that's the Japanese way of bringing up that she's available." +Floid says, "So... my father, being kind of a blunt sort, and somewhat agreeing with the 'enough is enough' attitude, kept leading her on with the whole 'don't want to be a burden, sometimes I just want to die, ...'" +Floid says, "Polite awkward conversation. Stereotypical but aieesh, steer it *away* when it goes there people." +Travis winks out of sight in the sparkling glow of a space/time rift. +Travis has left. +Floid says, "Don't forget to do all that while fueling up with Ethyl, tigr." +Duelist o.o +Kia has disconnected. +Floid finds it sorta interesting how it only took about 100 years to go from 'wow, chemistry is simple!' to 'woah, we better make sure we design this shit to degrade, because the simplest stuff persists forever.' +Luperion pads in and growls! +Luperion has arrived. +Mundy cuddles Luperion! +Luperion ruffle-snuffles Mundy! +Dachande. says, "Sort of nsfw, but amusing, http://imgur.com/gF7Gs ." +Floid says, "Rainbowels." +Dachande. says, "Must be unicorn variant." +Floid freezings much. Desires some form of medication which does not exist, at least in his vicinity. +Luperion dogs Floid to keep him warm. +Duelist growls quietly, "It's called booze" +Floid says, "Enh." +Duelist growls quietly, "Cures what ails ya" +Floid's stomach just fails to thrill at the idea. In part because it's empty, whups. +Dachande. says, "Get some Dr. James Barttolomew Horatio's Medicating Tonic Water. It's full of 180 vegetables and 13 different animals with just enough alcohol to keep it shelf stable for years. One spoon a day keeps the rickets away." +Floid opts to try to figure it out after trying to sneak additional nap. People are wanting him to do extremely inconvenient things and have them done already. +JanusFox wants something with 13 different animals. Not enough of that on the market. +JanusFox also learned that dropping a small rare earth magnet on metal drill fillings makes it instantly the sharpest object known to man. +Somewhere on the muck, Sarusa has connected. +Zeph dead from cute: < http://faror1.deviantart.com/art/Shimeji-Snow-Leopard-264681891 > +Miko whoa. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UYEUoSQXdcE +Miko immediately hears it alleged that in parts of fFinland that plant is known as a "pries's dick". +JanusFox yips, "omg cute." +Duelist ooo, cattails! +JanusFox also hasn't seen one of these things since 1995. +Mav arrives from the foyer. +Mav wuffs. +Miko chatters, "..annnnd apparently the real name of the plant in Finnish is obscure-archaic for "wolverine's dick"." +Zeph wouldn't mind seeing Wolverine's dick. +Duelist go store! +Duelist goes home. +Duelist has left. +Mundy GWAHAHAS. http://cheezburger.com/6572261376 +Puc arrives from the foyer. +Puc gruffs. +Zeph noses on Puc some. +Puc mrarfs, headbutts Zeph. +Mav wruffs gruffly, "Kittens" +Kia has connected. +Somewhere on the muck, Herefox has disconnected. +Kia has disconnected. +Kia has connected. +Kia has disconnected. +Kia has connected. +Kia frinks. +Mav mephs. +Miko strokes Kiabutt. +Somewhere on the muck, Herefox has connected. +Kia prrs at Miko and grrs at mudclient, which lee +Kia says, "keeps fucking up. " +MegaWolf has connected. +MegaWolf growls softly, "Dingo, notdingo." +MegaWolf shakes off from the shower, then curls up, muzzle on paws. z.z +Luperion woofs, "The We and the Not-We." +Mav wruffs gruffly, "Knotdingo." +Luperion woofs, "Gladly." +MegaWolf ponders a snow dingo hybrid. +Luperion gruffles, "Sneaux dingeaux?" +MegaWolf growls softly, "That too" +Luperion giggles. +MegaWolf ponders a pack of all the canids. Dingo, dhole, wild dog, Ethiopian wolf, jackals, 'yotes, etc. +Somewhere on the muck, Azure has connected. +Luperion wuuffs, "For cuddles?" +MegaWolf growls softly, "And such!" +Luperion gruffles, "Indeed." +Luperion barks, "Puppies love cuddles." +MegaWolf growls softly, "Cuddles. Yep. ,.," +Himmel not cuddles Mega. +Luperion pants, "Knot cuddles?" +Mav wruffs gruffly, "Knots are best cuddled." +MegaWolf pleads the fifth... of vodka. +MegaWolf velcros Himmel. +Himmel yipe. +Luperion wuuffs, "To Mav!" +Mav hugs his tail. +Himmel gonna play Black Mesa for a bit. +MegaWolf curls up, gnaws on chewybone. +Kia has disconnected. +Himmel gets on his gaming goggles. +Miko chatters, "What is the purpose of the goggles?" +Himmel says, "THey... don't really do much." +Himmel says, "Yeah, now that I think about it..." +Himmel says, "The goggles?" +Himmel says, "They, uh... do" +Himmel says, "very little." +Luperion growls, "Doggles." +Luperion idles to 'walk the dog'! +Luperion growls and pads out! +Luperion has left. +Himmel says, "He means 'Masturbate.'" +Miko chatters, "You know, they'd help prevent a psychotic Rainbow Squirt den mother from plucking out your eyes." +MegaWolf growls softly, "So Black Mesa actually got released, eh?" +Himmel says, "Couple days ago, yeah." +Himmel says, "And... Maybe, Miko. But I have no idea what that is." +MegaWolf growls softly, "I'm sure it'll do okay but I wonder how much interest there is left for it." +Miko chatters, "Philistine." +Himmel says, "Maybe I shouldn't play video games." +Puc has disconnected. +Himmel says, "I really ought to read something." +Himmel says, "Like this great piece, what was it..." +Danish lows, "Have you ever said something that was 100% true but 100% irrelevant?" +Himmel says, "Bartleby and the Scrivener?" +Miko punts Himmel. +Himmel =3 +Himmel says, "Problem?" +Miko chatters, "It's from Psychonauts, when the G-Men interrogate Raz. "WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF THE GOGGLES?!"" +Miko chatters, "And later the Rainbow Squirt den mother threatens to pluck out his eyes and he goes "Ah-ha! THAT is the purpose of the goggles!"" +Himmel assumed Miko was going for 'The Goggles, they do Nothing!' +Danish ohhhh, I vaguely remember that. +Himmel has not played Psychonauts, though, no. +Himmel says, "But then, no one has." +Himmel says, "Hence its reputation as Best Game No One Played." +Himmel says, "2005, iirc." +Miko chatters, "Well, nobody did when it first came out." +MegaWolf tickles Himmel's insidey parts. +Himmel eek. +Miko chatters, "I bet when/if they Kickstart it they'll get $4M in the first day, though." +Himmel is not making much progress in the Play Black Mesa thing. +Miko chatters, "The sequel, I mean." +Himmel says, "Most definitely, Squiz." +Miko chatters, "A lot of people want it something fierce. Notch was all "well, I can invest $2M or so in it"" +Miko chatters, ""Because I want to play it"" +Himmel says, "Most expensive game ever." +MegaWolf growls softly, "Neo Geo?" +Miko chatters, "Neo Geo did not cost $2M." +MegaWolf growls softly, "Sure felt like it!" +Danish lows, "You had one?" +Miko chatters, "Of course, if he invests $2M he'll probably get a game and $2.2M for his trouble, but.." +Gyroe arrives from the foyer. +Gyroe growlfs! +Mav wof. +Danish's childhood punches MegaWolf. +Himmel is mostly playing Black Mesa for the Nerd Points, though, he admits. +Himmel says, "It's an FPS, and lord knows I hate the format." +Danish lows, "Even as a kid I knew there was no point in asking for a Neo Geo." +Himmel says, "Because Portal." +Himmel says, "And Still Alive." +MegaWolf growls softly, "Nah" +Himmel thinks he left out a line, there. +Himmel says, "'But I still want to, as a matter of gamer cred.'" +Danish lows, "That's not an FPS, Wolfenstein 3D's an FPS." +Miko peers at Danish. +Danish lows, "I can see you've played knifey-spooney before." +Kuttas arrives from the foyer. +Kuttas points at the lazing sleepers and goes all tribal, shouting, "Ki'i ki-rharg, ki'i etya stye ngyet-ngye!" +Puc heads to the sweeper's home to bang their mother. +Puc has left. +Kia is sent home. +Kia has left. +Zhorah is sent home. +Zhorah has left. +Kuttas has left. +Danish lows, "Hi K..." +Danish lows, "Hi Kimmel." +Danish hugs Kimmel. +Himmel pets Danish. +MegaWolf O.o +Rhi arrives from the foyer. +MegaWolf growls softly, "Double Dragon!" +Mav falls over, paws in the air. +Himmel says, "Half Life Vets." +Himmel says, "Tell me." +Himmel says, "How often is there ventilation duct combat?" +Rhi has disconnected. +Rhi teleports away. +Rhi has left. +Kia arrives from the foyer. +Kia frinks. +Vetiver arrives from the foyer. +Himmel says, "Hey, Kia." +Srass arrives from the foyer. +Srass nuzzles around and and things. +Kuttas arrives from the foyer. +Srass licks Kuttas' muzzle. +Kuttas licks Srass' whiskers. +Gyroe kneads on Kuttas and Srarse. +Kuttas snickers. +Srass purrs, and paws at Gyroe. +Kuttas rubs Gyrow. +Kuttas errs, Gyroe* +Srass says, "Let's put the ow in Gyrow." +Srass chews on the dragon's arse! +Kuttas pinches! +Danish lows, "Let's put the gyro in Gyroe." +Danish does this. +Kuttas spins Dragon! +Srass says, "Save some for us!" +Duelist arrives from the foyer. +Srass licks Danish and Duelist. +Kuttas licks Duelist! +Duelist =^.^= +Kuttas pinches Moose. +Duelist licks Srass! +Duelist licks Kuttas! +Danish just licks everyone and has a bunch of weird fur on his tongue. +Kuttas thinks the weird fur is probably Srass'. Almost certainly, in fact. +Srass is weird all over, so it stands to reason his fur would be weird. +Kuttas isn't weird at all. Nope, nosir, not one bit. +Danish oh, there was this one curly black hair that was 20 feet long, that was probably Srass. +Kuttas pets Srass' nose with [redacted]. +Srass licks Kuttas' [redacted]. +Kuttas adds a couple more [redacted] per nostril. +Srass o.O +Kuttas snickers evilly. +Srass mouths on Kuttas' entire forearm at once. +Srass slobber, drool. +Kuttas pets Panther's uvula. *tugtug* +Srass' expression gets stranger. *glurk* +Danish read that as vulva, didn't question it. :/ +Kuttas nods to Danish. Srass is -that- weird. c.c +Danish pets Srass' vuvuzela. +Kuttas says, "Don't pet it. Blow on it." +Danish t-toot... toot... *blush* +Srass *definitely* does not have one of those! Not even in the chicken form! +Kuttas says, "What, a vuvuzela?" +Srass says, "Yeah!" +Kuttas says, "Why not?" +Kuttas says, "They're terribly annoying! :-D" +Srass says, "They're annoying!" +Kuttas inquires, "Aren't hyenas annoying, too?" He tugs some more. +Srass says, "Hyenas are flavorful. c.c" +Duelist preps for hardcore, full contact, professional BINGO! +Srass makes a strange gurgling sound. +Kuttas >.> +Danish lows, "What kinda stakes?" +Kuttas O.o +Srass says, "You'd probably better stop tugging on that. It doubles as a delivery lever of sorts." +Kuttas peers into Srass' mouth. His voice reverberates, "What's that noise?" +Kuttas says, "Delivery level?" +Kuttas says, "Err, lever?" +Himmel says, "Kuttas." +Srass says, "Delivery lever. Of half-digested lunch." +Himmel | http://images.4chan.org/v/src/1347829959465.jpg +Duelist growls quietly, "Let's see....it's a double action session...." +Kuttas ohs. He pets the back of Srass tongue, instead. +Himmel says, "Stolen from Tapestries." +Kuttas peers at Himmel. +Himmel was amused. +Duelist growls quietly, "1/2 the games pay $200, half pay $400, Coverall pays $1000, hotball is $2500 and the progressive is $26,913" +Kuttas has seen that image before. +Himmel says, "Oldie but goodie?" +Kuttas shrugs. +Miko fnarrrr, hotball. +Tequiua arrives from the foyer. +Tequiua waves. +Srass pets Tequiua. +Duelist growls quietly, "Boulder Station progressive bingo win pays $135,500" +Himmel says, "Total, or top-tier?" +Tequiua pets Srass. +Danish is pretty good at Bingo. +Srass says, "How do you manage to be good at Bingo? It's a game of chance, isn't it?" +Tequiua says, "Pretty good? There is a technique for Bingo?" +Tequiua hehs at Srass. +Srass grins at Tequiua. +Duelist growls quietly, "It's ALL skill man!" +Duelist growls quietly, "Same with slot machines" +Srass says, "Gosh... that little old lady sure is good at pulling levers." +Danish lows, "There's no random element in top-tier bingo, it comes down to playing it right." +Miko chatters, "Just like the stock market!" +Srass says, "How's this possible? You hear a number, you put a chip on the number." +Duelist growls quietly, "IT's HOW you chip that number that makes all the difference." +Duelist growls quietly, "Also, daub" +Duelist growls quietly, "Not chip" +Duelist growls quietly, "Rookie." +Srass says, "I haven't played since grade school. Of course I'm a rookie. :-P" +Tequiua says, "Top-tier? There are tiers in Bingo?" +Kuttas wriggles on Srass distractingly. Annoying hyena is annoying! +Zeph mews, "Over here bingo is played by old women and people who are under the mistaken impression it might be fun." +Srass zerberts Kuttas' nuts. +Duelist growls quietly, "Listen...." +Kuttas murrrrs! +Srass says, "It's the same thing over here, too, Zeph." +Duelist growls quietly, "$135,000 to win." +Duelist growls quietly, "Fuck those old ladies. I'm takin' that money!" +Duelist growls quietly, "To win that $135,000 you have to coverall in 51 balls or less." +Tequiua says, "Here too, bingo is played by widows, old ladies and old dudes expecting to score with an old gal." +Srass oooohs! +Srass says, "Now I know Duelist's angle. >;)" +Duelist growls quietly, "On a super coverall progressive like that there is usually only one winner." +Scruff arrives from the foyer. +Scruff sneaks in, and up into FOXY lap +Srass pets Scruff's ears. +Scruff headrubs up at srasspaw. Mriew! +Kia has disconnected. +Vetiver snugs Scruff. +Duelist petpetpte CHTA! +Duelist growls quietly, "These guys are makin' fun of me, CHTA" +Scruff chirps, "Butbutbutbut, big FOXY!" +Scruff noses at a mapsbok paw. That one! *nosenosenose* +Scruff inspects the big FOXY. Yup, excellent creature! +Danish hugfuzzles Scruff. +Kuttas considers turning on the radio. +Scruff rears up on hindpaws, hugs 'round moosemuzz ^-^ +Kuttas hasn't got any QSL cards lately +Duelist needs to put his antennas back up! +Kuttas says, "https://imo.im/fd/C/QkPpapbN9P/292225_306211372787161_1053649823_n.jpg" +Danish ha. +Duelist growls quietly, "Oooo, great pic!" +Scruff loves that pic! +Duelist needs to get ready for BINGO. +Duelist growls quietly, "Just, while y'all are pokin' fun at me....I should mention...." +Duelist growls quietly, "Since 2011, I am up $12,300 playin' bingo." +Kuttas could use $12300 +Duelist growls quietly, "But that don't mean it came home with me >;)" +Srass grins. "Cool." +Miko could use $123. +Danish huh. Gotta make it rain sometimes. +Himmel could use $12.30 +Danish could use $12. +Srass says, "No? What'd you do with it?" +Kuttas would be on a plane in short notice if he had that. +Duelist growls quietly, "Slots, restaurants, bars....etc." +Miko could .. no, he's probably got $1.23 on the floor, total. +Srass ahs. +Duelist growls quietly, "I have a running tally of my 'casino in general' fund...." +Duelist growls quietly, "Since 2008 I'm up, like, $8" +Danish lows, "Miko, if you share your $1.23 with me I can get a pack of smokes." +Scruff chirps, "Eight bucks!" +Miko chatters, "I'll just put the change in the mail for you, yeah?" +Duelist growls quietly, "So consider that as a career." +Kuttas says, "That's $19.65 or so a day" +Danish pets, you're a dear. +Duelist growls quietly, "$8 in 4 years. So that's $2 a year." +Duelist growls quietly, "About 200 hours a year..." +Duelist growls quietly, "I make a penny an hour, gambling!" +Srass says, "I imagine you're doing better than a lot of people. :-P" +Danish lows, "Have you gotten any old lady hugs, though? Those are more precious than money." +Duelist growls quietly, "Hell no" +Duelist growls quietly, "Those old biddies are a menace!" +Kuttas snickers. +Duelist growls quietly, "Especially around nickle slots!" +Duelist growls quietly, "Watch those old, pointy elbows, cuz they throw 'em" +Duelist growls quietly, "Anyhoo, time to BINGO! Wish me luck!" +Tequiua says, "Nickle slots? They go that low?" +Danish lows, "Luck!" +Srass says, "Good luck!" +Miko chatters, "What happens if you add the money you've spent on eating and drinking to that $8? I mean, you don't subtract lunch from your paycheck." +Tequiua says, "I though the lowest was $1 USD" +Miko chatters, "Break a leg!" +Duelist hah! +Duelist bingooooooo! +Duelist goes home. +Duelist has left. +Danish lows, "Macbeth!" +MegaWolf vaguely fends off RL +MegaWolf nosekisses Scruff, 'cuz kitten. +Kuttas had this creepy chick hitting on him hard the last two times he went to the redneck bar. The second time, he asked her, "So, you lookin' to take a randy young cowboy home to rock your world all night long?" with a suggestive grin. When she smiled and waggled her eyebrows and said, "Yes," he continued. "Me too. Any prospects?" +Kuttas says, "Err, Creepy old chick*" +Srass giggles. "What'd she say to that?" :D +Kuttas says, "Not a word." +Srass laughs! +Tequiua says, "Brakeback mountain episode." +Kuttas says, "She just got this really weird expression and wandered off." +MegaWolf snibbles Makyo and Zeph, Floid gets tweaked. +Kuttas says, "She was also like, 4'2" and probably old enough to be my mother. It was ridiculous to start with. " +Tequiua is ok with old people sex, "They are good on bed too." +Gyroe scoots! +Gyroe goes home. +Gyroe has left. +Tequiua says, "Or so... I... em... had heard... <.< >.>" +Danish lows, "So, old, short, good to go, and you turned this down?" +Kuttas says, "Yes." +Danish pets Tequiua, we all like DILFs here. +Srass giggles, and pets Tequiua. +Tequiua says, "DILF?" +Himmel says, "Dad I'd like to Fuck." +Tequiua chuckles. +Himmel, super into'em. +Kuttas says, "I've got no problem with older women. Older women are awesome. But I don't like being hounded, and I'm not keen on casual bar hookups." +Danish growls, "Himmel, go to your room... on second thought, go to my room." +Kuttas says, "Actually, I'm no keen on casual hookups in general." +Tequiua says, "Casual hookups are good. Straight to the point." +Mundy BURP. +Himmel goes to Danish's room. Waits patiently. +Tequiua says, "Cheaper in the long run." +Danish lows, "Itty bitty baby." +MegaWolf growls softly, "Ugh, what is with websites and this Springboard video server?" +MegaWolf growls softly, "The videos won't play for me" +Miko chatters, "Itty bitty boat." +Tequiua says, "Springboard sucks!" +Himmel says, "I CAN'T BE-MEME- IT." +Scruff noses around, sneaks out! +Scruff teleports away. +Scruff has left. +MegaWolf also hates it when there's like twenty servers he has to pick from in Noscript to get anything to work at all. +Kuttas rubs PILF. +Srass mews, and nuzzles Kuttas extensively. +Kuttas snuggles all over Srass. +Danish lows, "http://i.imgur.com/kQQUy.jpg" +Srass says, "Cute." +MegaWolf growls softly, "Hah" +Zeph listens to a mixtape type thing he got sent by a fellow werewolf enthusiast called 'Wolfsongs for Wolfbros'. +Mundy says, "Hungry Like the Wolf on it? :)" +MegaWolf growls softly, "Hungry Like I Was a Teenage Werewolf Of London" +Miko mutters something about showing you what all that howl is for. +Himmel says, "Or Within Temptation's The Killing?" +Zeph mews, "Heh, first track is a cover of that, Meeks." +MegaWolf totally needs to remix a song with that title now. n.n +Kia has connected. +Floid boggles at his landlordlady re: text messages. +Danish licks Miko! +Danish lows, "You reminded me I actually really do like a song about werewolves." +Zeph mews, "One of us! One of us!" +Himmel says, "Sorry. Not The Killing." +Danish lows, "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j1-xRk6llh4" +Himmel says, "The Howling." +MegaWolf growls softly, "THT DNT CNFRNT ME, LNG AS I GT MY MNY NXT FRI" +Danish oh. Really needs to read up before posting things. +MegaWolf growls softly, "Werehuahuas" +MegaWolf growls softly, "The Yipping" +Huh? (Type "help" for help.) +Himmel says, "I would love this song if it was mixed down differently and the guy sang differently." +Zeph mews, "Man, I kinda want to share the mediafire link for this mixtape thing but I was asked not to. But it's really awesome. Dilemma." +Danish lows, "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s4s5bj5fZO8 There you go, Himmel." +Miko chatters, "Try a live version? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MxawVMQ02dc&" +Himmel says, "Well, I meant going the other way, Danish." +Miko chatters, "Actually, given the choice of which one to put on an album, I'd go with that live recording over the studio one." +Himmel says, "The Live Version is better, yes." +Miko chatters, "But then, I almost always would." +Zeph totally accidentally copypastes http://www.mediafire.com/?n2w8ufd6a3coghs +Danish lows, "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XSEYGsk6KTM , Himmel?" +Danish lows, "Sorry, wrong link. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uec35ppYLIc" +Miko chatters, "I like how little most of them look like members of a rock band." +Makyo mrp. +Makyo mrp from Canada. +Danish lows, "Makyo summoned by the dulcet tones of Neil Sedaka." +Danish hugs you! +(p) In a page-pose to you, Rikoshi snoof. +Zeph snugs a Makyofops, who he saw rather the likeness of on FA: < http://www.furaffinity.net/view/7700639/ > +Duelist arrives from the foyer. +Kuttas licks Duelist! +Himmel gapes at Danish. +Himmel says, "That guy is..." +Himmel says, "So..." +Himmel says, "-So- White." +Somewhere on the muck, Rikoshi has connected. +Duelist growls quietly, "oh yeah! time for hardcore championship bingo!" +Duelist licks Kuttas! +Mundy says, "Full-contact bingo? :)" +Kuttas says, "Have fun!" +You are currently marked as being away. +You page-pose, "Makyo nuzznuzz, all the way over from Canada." to Rikoshi +You have 1 mail messages waiting. Use 'page #mail' to read. +(p) In a page-pose to you, Rikoshi thinks you smell metric. +Duelist growls quietly, "nah, full contact is for screwing" +MegaWolf gently headbutts Duelist FOX +MegaWolf (Today at 8:22:40AM) -- http://skia.deviantart.com/art/Phone-Fox-175079615 +*Done* +Kuttas says, "Hide the dauber." +Kuttas snerks. +Mundy says, "Dauber dick." +Himmel says, "Dobiedick." +MegaWolf ohgodtehkyoot. http://www.furaffinity.net/view/8847494/ +You are currently marked as being away. +You page-pose, "Makyo nod! Well...mostly smells like fox.." to Rikoshi +Zeph eeeeee. +Away flag reset. +Duelist growls quietly, "sweet foxies" +You yerf, "Goodfoxes." +Danish lows, "Whole gallery is brainmelting." + +---------- + +Ogg arrives from the foyer. +Ogg waves 'round, glumly, having just read about Margaras. +Draconis hugs the Ogg, and glums right along. +Ouroboros waves to Ogg. +Djirn rubs Draconis' belly to keep up the wrring +Makyo nuzz on Ogg. +Ogg chatters, "That's two military furs that we've lost in vehicular crashes. Doesn't seem fair." +Floki "Hi Ogg! +Floki says, "Meep, what happened...?" +Floki says, "Reading, where...?" +Justin arrives from the foyer. +Floki reads 'read'. +Floki says, "Oh, heavens..." +Justin pounces and puppylicks! Floki +Floid has disconnected. +Floki meep!s at Justin. +Floki says, "Hi! You got furry!" +Floki's left head mourns at Margaras. +Ogg hugs Floki! Floki hugs the pea-green monkey warmly and scritches his spine. +Floki snugs Ogg sadly. +Makyo mmmf ._. +JanusFox work, no plays. +Justin yaps, "You think I should shave?" +JanusFox changes a few array pointers around and ends up someplace else. +JanusFox has left. +Floki says, "No! I am far more used to furred people than bare-skinned!" +Djirn sheds on Draconis so he looks furry for Floki +Ogg chatters, "That's fuzzy logic." +Floki grins at Djirn. "Scales are not bare skin!" +Floki fuzzles Ogg. +Skylos has disconnected. +Somewhere on the muck, Tigerwolf has connected. +Miko hugs Ogg! Ogg YEEKs in alarm and blushes a deep forest green, but does nothing to try to escape Miko's attentions. +Miko shrieks, "WHAT UP MOTHERFUCKERS HERE'S A BOMB ON Y'ALL" +Skylos is sent home. +Skylos has left. +Puc heads to the sweeper's home to bang their mother. +Puc has left. +Floid is sent home. +Floid has left. +Singe eeks! +Singe has left. +Fiend Plushie bounds after Singe. +Miko ahems. c.c +Floki says, "Hi, Miko." +Makyo o.o; +Miko chatters, "Hi, Floki." +Miko cuddles on Flokes, too. +Floki purrs on Miko a lot. +Tear has disconnected. +Miko sneaks to take his mama shopping. +Miko winks out of sight in the sparkling glow of a space/time rift. +Miko has left. +Somewhere on the muck, Miko has disconnected. +Undine licks Draconis! +Undine hugs Ogg! Ogg YEEKs in alarm and blushes a deep forest green, but does nothing to try to escape Undine's attentions. +Justin whistles for a bouncer, and a huge gorilla steps out of nowhere, and hauls out the sleeping furries. "Time ta go, boyz.." he growls.. +Tear is sent home. +Tear has left. +Undine raises the modesty screen. ;) +Draconis growfs, "you get my mail squish? re: window stuff?" +Undine says, "I dih." +Draconis growfs, "goodo." +Gyroe sneaks! +Gyroe goes home. +Gyroe has left. +Ogg counterhugs Undine. + +----- + +Makyo yrp. +Kia has a listen to Who by Fire?. +Miko hugs you! +Himmel rubs Miko. +Kia says, "The live version, so it isn't tarnished by Cohen's cheap-Casio aesthetic. " +Harth says, "That sucks about Marg, first I heard about that." +Kia says, "Though he wasn't doing that on New Skin yet. " +Makyo squeeze MIKS? +Miko eek. +You say, "Argh phone ;.;" +You yerf, "Sorry..." +Miko pets Makyo and his phone. +Miko thinks about Crocu for a bit now. +Makyo leeean. Sigh. +Azure arrives from the foyer. +Azure prowls in. +Duelist thump Footpad. "Woof, how you is, hmm?" +Footpad blinks, widens his eyes, and exhales a deep breath. "Knocked" is about the best word for it. +Miko then thinks about Margs' music, some of which was sitting in a folder somewhere on a webserver, and trying to find that URL, and his first thought is 'ask Margs'. Stupid brain. +Footpad would have complained about the cold he's got, but suddenly it's no longer so goddamn relevant. +Makyo woke up thinking about Lynx. Has been up and down all day. +Arcturus arrives from the foyer. +Pontiac chomps on Arcturus. +Footpad oddly knows he's not really going to grieve for lynx. Just think about him a lot for a while. +Duelist growls quietly, "I think that time has passed....enough....that we will be coming to grips with this in our own ways." +Himmel daubs at Foots's nose. +Miko puts on "So You'll Aim Toward The Sky" for the eleventh time this week. +Grynn tackle jaql. +JanusFox yips, "Poor guy. Ah well, keep calm, carry on, and all that rubbish." +Skylos softly barks, "how many people are comfortable with death?" +JanusFox yips, "The trick is to be a jerk so you live forever." +Himmel says, "Depends on whose, Skylos." +Miko chatters, "My own death, or death in general?" +Makyo gets all sniffly in hotel bar. Classy as fuck. Idles a few. +Himmel says, "As for Margs, I'm just going to miss him." +Kia shrugs... Death comes to us all. Lemur would prefer it not come to him too soon, except for when he feels trapped, depressed and alone. +Skylos softly barks, "I'd think both, Miko. But if yo have to choose one, I'd say that of others. You'll have to deal with that a whole lot more times." +Skylos softly barks, "Nobody likes to feel like they don't have options." +Himmel says, "As for me, I have no problem with it happening. I hope as few people are distraught by my passing as possible, because I don't want to cause people pain." +Kia says, "As for others... And so it goes. " +Footpad is in the mood for angry music. +Kia gives Footpad some Geto Boys? They're his go to for angry music. +MegaWolf growls softly, "In the Angry Dome." +Duelist growls quietly, "Death isn't nearly as much of an issue as 'we want more' is. Face it, we want more. Taking someone away from us sucks. Yeah, it might sound selfish, but that's what it is. We want more." +Duelist growls quietly, "And now that we can't have more, well, it sucks." +Himmel nods. +JanusFox yips, "I'm really more concerned about the nature of the demise." +Miko chatters, "Well." +Miko chatters, "I was just thinking I wouldn't be so upset if Margs had.. gone somewhere. Become unavailable to me specifically." +MegaWolf growls softly, "Also the perceived unfairness of it." +JanusFox yips, "What concerns me is well... erf. I just hope he was going fast enough." +Skylos is curious of the circumstances of the accident, but it doesn't matter in the end. +Miko chatters, "It's that there's no more Margs to be had, for anyone, anywhere." +Miko chatters, "Been trying not to think about that, Janus, thanks." +Srass has left. +Srass has arrived. +Duelist growls quietly, "Yeah...." +Duelist growls quietly, "I don't want to consider either." +Duelist growls quietly, "Cuz it ain't nice, no matter how you think about it." +Footpad finds himself protective and angry at the thought... no, fuck that. +Footpad wants more time with lynx. Wants lynx to have more time with him. It's not just selfish. +Himmel leans on Footpad. +Skylos huffs. +Skylos softly barks, "well. " +Kia pets Footpad. +Somewhere on the muck, Tigerwolf has connected. +Kia oohs. There are "Mad World" piano tutorials. +TealFox arrives from the foyer. +JanusFox yips, "80s or 90s?" +Kia dunnos. Lemur's listening to a little known cover from the fabulous Red Paintings right now. Will look at the piano tuts momentarily. +Kia'd like to check the lyrics on this one. Suspects they're different. +Skylos wags. +Joe arrives from the foyer. +Skylos sniffs Joe. +Kia wonders where Joe's going with that gun in his hand. +Joe eyes Megawolf, comes over with a bottle of the good stuff. +Joe sez, "Kia, I'm going to shoot my old lady, heard she been messin' around wit anutha man!" +Joe sits across from Megawolf, waits for him to awake. +Joe waves to the small wuff and the big wuff. +Joe sits back, putting one ankle on a knee. +Footpad watches Joe with polite mistrust. Wolves tend to be that way with strangers. +Joe is not just a stranger but strange little Footpad. +Joe peers but smiles. +Miko chatters, "Speaking of, Foots. I miss you. We should try to actually figure out a time & place." +Kia thinks looking at piano tutorials for nice songs will distract him. +Joe eyes Miko and looks away. +Skylos coldnoses Joe and tries to lean on him. +Joe pets Skylos a bit but directs him to a chair at the table he's at with Megawolf. +Joe would sniff Kiwaku but the foxy party boy is not about tonight. +Kia already has the sheet music for fucking SMB. +Joe orders a Bin 63, and Damian and Enrico spring into action, preparing it in a matter of moments and sliding it across the bar with a flirty wink. +Skylos climbs up on chair? +Joe drops Bin 63. +Joe orders a Bin 65, and Damian and Enrico spring into action, preparing it in a matter of moments and sliding it across the bar with a flirty wink. +Joe drinks a bit of Bin 65. +Makyo okay. Back at room. +Joe eyes the Skylos and gives snax. +TealFox hugs Makyo +Skylos munches. +Makyo squeeze around Tealio. +Kia wonders if he could convince his tutor to drop To a Wild Rose in favor of Mad World. +TealFox provides comforting and soothing hugs +Joe leans on elbows on the table, wresting his chin on one fist and idly petting Skylos with the other. +Kia will get arund to Maple Leaf Rag in due time. +Skylos tries to lick in Joe's mouth. +Kia prrs quietly. Lemur supposes he's done found his instrument. +Somewhere on the muck, Vikki_Fox has connected. +Joe rather avoids tounge with Skylos, popping a pretzle into that maw. "This always happens. Megawolf has /just/ left and I'm here with a pencil and paper. He's prolly in another window watching and laughing." +Joe rolls his eyes and chuckles. +Skylos softly barks, "what are you going to do with the paper?" +Joe sez, "Write on it." +Joe peers at Skylos. +Skylos softly barks, "what are you going to write on it?" +Joe sez, "Your home address and then show up in nothing but a leather halter when your dad answers the door." +Joe ^.~ +Skylos softly barks, "Hell yea." +Skylos can't wait. +Joe lauhgs. +Joe drinks a bit of Bin 65. +Weaving under the weight of an order of Bacon, >Manuel< stumbles over and gives it to Joe. He trots back to the kitchen, panting. +Joe rips off a piece and gives it to Skylos. +Joe eats a bit of Bacon. +Skylos softly barks, "my dad: http://dogpawz.com/photos/People/dad2.jpg" +Skylos softly barks, "he had a surgery recently on his neck artery because it was clogged" +Skylos softly barks, "but there was a complication and he had a stroke." +Mundy pokes at MSMVs.. Grf. +Skylos softly barks, "He'll be staying with my brother and nephews and sister in law for a while until the doc says he can do stairs again." +Makyo curls 'gainst Tealfoxes. Wrrf. +Joe sez, "Ironically thats not far from what I look like in RL: http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-bKbQXVNBnIc/T1z--qrC5XI/AAAAAAAAAIU/5VM9IWCOWQM/s1600/DocHD.jpg" +TealFox is good for curlling up with +Pontiac teleports away. +Pontiac has left. +Joe thinks Skylos dad did okay, he made Skylos. +Makyo prr and prr on Teal :3 +Joe sez, "When did Megawolf last post here?" +Skylos heh. "That's kind of you to say Joe. +Joe drinks a bit of Bin 65, finishing it. +Footpad likes the look of Skylos's dad. +Skylos softly barks, "my dad is a real friendly sweet guy." +Skylos softly barks, "Love him so much." +Joe sez, "You exemplify this." +Miko paws at Footpad. +Joe imagines an inverse of the Vader thing, Skylos is nice, like his father before him. +Footpad leans on Miko, and sighs thoughtfully. +Miko counterleans and closes his eyes. +TealFox snugs on Makyo. So is not liking sudden fall allergy attack...stupid texas trees +Footpad nudges Miko with his nose. Is there a better airport to look for than 'sinki? +Joe really needs to chat with Megawolf eventually. +Dachande. says, "Wouldn't the inverse of Vader mean that his father would have been good and then his father would have been mean? Although luke was sort of a dick now that I think about it." +Skylos isn't whiney, he hopes. +Joe sez, "No, inverse of the whole deal." +Skylos softly barks, "My doggie Akando is whiney. In fact, he just whined atm e just now." +Duelist growls quietly, "Bite that bad dog!" +Miko was looking at Tampere-Frankfurt because RyanAir is all he can afford, before having a poke at the other departure options. +Skylos softly barks, "but he's cute, and he has a flop ear." +Joe eyes his cat. "Bubba is full of love and purrs. I have this fantasy that we are both reincarnated. I was a brash priest in a hindu temple and went out for wood in the morning and he killed me as a tiger and now he's my pet in America. XD +Footpad would quite like to see Finland again. On the other hand, he'd like Miko to meet Mischa. So it can go either way. +Joe gets Footpad some vodka. +Joe orders a Finlandish Vodka, and Damian and Enrico spring into action, preparing it in a matter of moments and sliding it across the bar with a flirty wink. +Azure turns and runs away, disappearing in an azure-edged silver flash. +Azure has left. +TealFox has disconnected. +Arcturus hnngf +Kia notes that Helsinki airport is lovely. +Name Sex Species ('whospe #help' for help) +Joe Unknown Transhuman +TealFox[asleep] male Arctic Vulpine +Srass[idle 9m] herm polymorphic chakat +Arcturus male Jackal +Makyo N/A Anthro Arctic Foxy +Harth[idle 9m] Male Minotaur +Skylos[idle 2m] male Man-Dog +Footpad male grey wolf (non-morphic) +Acy mALE Chow chow (chow) +Grynn male Grey/Arctic Wolf +Vexus[idle 1h] Male Cosmic Black Fox +Vetiver[idle 24m] Male Gemsbok (Southern oryx) +JanusFox[idle 4m] male Cross Fox +Kia male ringtailed lemur (lemur catta) +MegaWolf[idle 23m] male White Wolf 'Morph +Malkoten[idle 3h] male Black Panther +Himmel[idle 24m] Male Cat +Floid[idle 1h] male Dingo +Duelist[idle 2m] Male Skunk! +Mundy[idle 8m] -unknown- -unknown- +Miko[idle 2m] o-> Nut muncher +Dachande.[idle 3m] Male. Wolf. +Joe hands Finlandish Vodka to Footpad. +Kia suspects it beats hell out of flying out of Pulkovo, which, when flying in, struck him as if his British Airways flight was also a time machine to 1973. +Skylos brings Akando to meet Mischa. +Miko cares little about the details. He just wants some Footles time. :) +Joe gives Footpad to Miko +Joe is not authorized to do that but tries anyway. +Miko appreciates the thought. +Skylos softly barks, "here" +Skylos softly barks, "here's the white akando, sable banshee, and me: https://picasaweb.google.com/lh/photo/rrJg5hctUS6dSzvd412HvdMTjNZETYmyPJy0liipFm0?feat=directlink" +Miko awr, doggies. +Duelist bites all those bad dogs! +Himmel misses his pup. ._. +Makyo snf. Miss dogs. +Joe sez, "Okay, seriously, when did Megawolf come on to FM so I can meet up with him?" +Skylos softly barks, "duelist, can't you tell these are good dogs, because they are german shepherds?" +Duelist growls quietly, "Of course they are!" +Duelist growls quietly, "They can take biteys too, cuz GSD is tough dog!" +Footpad guesses Kostya is lucky he can take biteys, because he must get a lot from TIGR. +Miko wishes he had a better idea of his plans past the end of the month. It's all up in the air. +Duelist do bite Kostya! *grni* +Duelist err grin! +Duelist growls quietly, "Kostya looks like Banshee." +Skylos softly barks, "megawolf shows online, Joe." +Joe hands Bacon to MegaWolf. +Duelist - http://www.bigtiger.net/images/Kostya.jpg +Skylos softly barks, "he hasn't sent a message for 27 minutes though." +Joe orders a Meet With Joe, and Damian and Enrico spring into action, preparing it in a matter of moments and sliding it across the bar with a flirty wink. +Skylos orders a doggie blaster, and Damian and Enrico spring into action, preparing it in a matter of moments and sliding it across the bar with a flirty wink. +Skylos drinks a bit of doggie blaster. +Skylos drinks a bit of doggie blaster. +Skylos drinks a bit of doggie blaster, finishing it. +Joe hands Meet With Joe to MegaWolf. +Joe sez, "There." +Joe chuckles. +Skylos softly barks, "Akando is whining up storm. Better dog the walk." +Footpad wags his tail gently. Kostya is so very, very purty. Happy memories of dog when he was only three months old. +Srass has left. +Makyo just got dogpictures tonight. +Joe sez, "I always thought the internal email of mucks could be used for short encrypted messages, but this is different." +Srass arrives from the foyer. +Joe imagines the NSA watching the Nurple. +Joe O.O +Say version 3.11a (c)1993 by Tim (#64369) +Type 'sayhelp' for help on say. Local notify-routines now supported. Sayhelp 5 +You yerf, "There we go: http://pics.lockerz.com/s/246236343 " +Makyo must hug that dog. +Mundy says, "Kostya looks almost camera shy." +Duelist growls quietly, "Awww, sweet foxy dog!" +Duelist growls quietly, "Nah, Mundy, that is suspicious dog. He is at the vet." +Mundy says, "Ah.. Gonna get stabbed with needles" +Duelist growls quietly, "He don't mind needles. He do not like the vet tech tho. The vet tech is a wuss." +Skylos winks out of sight in the sparkling glow of a space/time rift. +Skylos has left. +Kia has yet another listen to Rachele Gilmore. +Mundy wonders if he cooked this MSMV.. Hmm.. +Makyo dog is okay! He's a big thing, good for a hug or two. +Joe eyes Kia. +Joe https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k4t2AVTtPSQ +Duelist - http://www.bigtiger.net/images/kdbw.jpg +Kia says http://youtu.be/CHp4LLnlKIg +Footpad stuffit. Gets up, packs in a hurry to board a train. +Miko hugs Footpad! +Kia pats Footpads rump onto the train. +Miko chatters, "Seeya, dearest of wolves." +Mundy says, "Happy dog is home" +Makyo hug on Footpads. +Duelist pets-n-thumps Footpad, nicely, of course. +Footpad pokes Miko with his cold nose. We shall discuss this further. For now: au revoir. +Footpad has disconnected. +Duelist growls quietly, "Makyo has awesome dawg." +Joe eyes the fading Megawolf and chuckles. He gets up, pays Enrico and leaves this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dXYl5NrHPb4 +Joe goes home. +Joe has left. +Makyo tries to snoof his way into Miko's good favor. "So You'll Aim Toward The Sky" came on playlist and now feels all okay. +Miko pets Makyo, who is permanently favored as it is. +Makyo's dog is okay! Sometimes a brat! +Makyo prr and prr :o) +Miko puts on a last song for the night. Low - Lullaby. +Mundy studies the logic diagrams. Brainsplodey. +Makyo awr, more dog: http://pics.lockerz.com/s/245597378 +Somewhere on the muck, Tony_Cheval has disconnected. +Himmel buries himself in Science. Ugh. +Makyo ugh wants to tussle with these paws: http://pics.lockerz.com/s/243461399 +Duelist growls quietly, "Awwwww" +Duelist growls quietly, "That's such a sweet dawg." +Makyo loves that dog so much :I +Duelist growls quietly, "Good!" +Duelist growls quietly, "You should" +Djirin arrives from the foyer. +Srass noses Djirin. +Kia gives Himmel some goggles. Otherwise, Science can blind you. +Miko nuzzles about and beds. +Duelist licks Srass! +Miko winks out of sight in the sparkling glow of a space/time rift. +Miko has left. +Somewhere on the muck, Miko has disconnected. +Srass licks Duelist! +Djirin blinds Sras with science +Duelist whips out his hockey stick. He 'skates' up to a sleeper, winds up and lets a slapshot go! +TealFox spins and spins into a Teal blur and then with a loud *FOOP*, disappears! +TealFox has left. +Footpad slinks cautiously to a safer sleeping-place. +Footpad has left. +Srass bumps into things. Including science. +Harth winks out of sight in the sparkling glow of a space/time rift. +Harth has left. +Djirin nooooooogies srass nooogyingly +Srass gropes Djirin firmly! +Mundy gooses Duelist! +Duelist O.O +Zhorah arrives from the foyer. +Zhorah rar. +Somewhere on the muck, Vikki_Fox has disconnected. +Mundy grumps and flails around in http://www.ti.com/lit/ds/symlink/cd14538b.pdf +Djirin symlinks Mundy to Srass +Djirin hmms. multivibrator +Djirin peers at Mundy +MegaWolf drops Meet With Joe. +MegaWolf drops Bacon. +Mundy's not making sex toys. >.< +Duelist chrp! +Djirin murmurs quietly, "Sureeeeeee" +MegaWolf growls softly, "Speaking of... where is Alex fox?" +Srass says, "He hasn't even signed on since April." +You yerf, "AlexP/" +Zhorah rumbles, "Foxcube?" +Makyo er.. ? +Zhorah rumbles, "Alexp is a cube" +You yerf, "He's all over twitter." +MegaWolf growls softly, "Tell foxcube to revivify!" +Makyo okies, did so :o) +Kuttas arrives from the foyer. +Srass licks Kuttas' ears. +Kuttas wriggles them +Grynn ruffles Kuttas' mane. +Kuttas licks Grynn! +Grynn wags and slurrrps hyena back. +Djirin muwahahahas +Kuttas eyes Djirin. +Djirin burp +Kia's cat seems to be developing a fondness for being where he is. +Djirin drapes atop Kia too +Srass offers Kia a cat spatula. +MegaWolf gobed before Freaky von Psycho returns. +Mundy hmms.. one-shot is not one-shotting.. +MegaWolf winks out of sight in the sparkling glow of a space/time rift. +MegaWolf has left. +Kia says, "I mean, exactly where I am. So I sit up in bed, and she gets between me and the pillow. :P " +Kuttas says, "Who's Xane on about?" +Somewhere on the muck, MegaWolf has disconnected. +Mundy says, "Joe, I wager." +You yerf, "Alex, Kuttas?" +Makyo oh, right, reads up c.c +Kuttas says, "Oh, oops... I forgot something..." +Kuttas bites Mundy! +Dachande. says, "I'm thinking Joe." +Duelist licks Kuttas! +Makyo nod c.c +Kuttas shakes his head. Poor Xane. +Kuttas licks Duelist! +Zhorah rumbles, "who's joe?" +Kia says, "Joe's the guy with the gun in his hand who's going to shoot his old lady. " +Kuttas says, "I thought he was a plumber." +Kia says, "Joe's the guy with a plunger in his hand, who's going to plunge his old lady's toilet 'cause he caught her flushing things down the toilet? " +Makyo cold, tired. Probably bedtime in a bit. +Zhorah curls around Makyo +Mundy hmms.. Eyes logic doodles. +Makyo curl within curl, steals a bit of warmth. +Zhorah is very warm +Kia listens to a song that may make him cry. +Mundy seems to have also misplaced one of his little voltage doodads.. +Kia gets a tin hat and a gun and gets sent away to the war. +Makyo purr and purr and purr at Zhorah. Fox should bed. +Duelist sneak into FOX bed! +Makyo has a big bed, for the next few nights! King! +Duelist not sure space is all that necessary >;) +Duelist kidding! Innocent foxy >:) +Zhorah sneaks in too! +Makyo giggles, prrr :3 +Djirin reduces the king to a twin. puts Duelist atop Makyo +Makyo prrr, good and cozy and warm beds :3 +Kia prrfs. o/~ For to hang tents and pegs, a man needs two legs--no more waltzing Matilda for me. o/~ That'd be the part that usually gets him all misty. :( +(p) In a page-pose to you, Judas snugz. :) How you? +Duelist might not be so innocent with Zhorah tho! +Duelist whistles.... +Kia mmfs. Helps that his own history has a bit of this in it. +Zhorah <.< +You page, "Rough night. Lost a friend last week, still dealin'. You?" to Judas. +Kia's great(?)-granddad got gassed in the Great War. Wasn't the same after. +Kia says, "So I hear. I never met him. " +(p) In a page-pose to you, Judas awrfs, an' snugs you into his lap. He gently wrapps you up in foxarms an' foxtail, resting his muzz on your shoulder. "I'm okie. Just chillin' in front of the TV. +Kia's drunk-ass grampa just invaded Sicily or whatever. +Kia says, "He's dead too, before I ever had the sense to talk to him. And so it goes. " +You page-pose, "Makyo rrmfs and leans in against you all cozylike, chills with you for a few longer, then." to Judas +(p) In a page-pose to you, Judas nuzzles ears. Anything I can do? +Kuttas leans. +Kia wishes his grandfolks could've lived long enough for him to have some sense. +You page-pose, "Makyo nuzz atcha some. Will just be time, supposes :o)" to Judas +Himmel liens on Kuttas. +Kuttas is cat exempt. +Himmel collects his ees, anyhow. +Himmel... fees. +(p) In a page-pose to you, Judas nodnods an' jus' snuggles. Gonna go to bed? +Kuttas robs Himmel blind. +Kia wants to talk to gramma S---y and grampa S---y and granny H----s and Papa H----s. Gramma could tell him about when she was in a convent. Grampa could tell him about Sicily. Papa could tell him about all of his crazy random jobs and being on the Mississip and all. Granny could tell him... um. Something. Or other. Ok, Granny, kind of an awesome lady, but perhaps not the best historical source. +Zhorah licks Kuttas. +Kia could get at great-granny the post-mistress and general-store-...woman through her, but would rather have just talked to great-granny. +Mundy bangs head on desk. +(p) Judas pages, "Should I get ready wif pillows an' plushie? :)" to you. +Kuttas pets Zhorah's nose. +Kuttas thinks Himmel is a scaredy cat. +Srass peers at Mundy. "You okay over there?" +Zhorah rubs nose on Kuttas. +Mundy says, "No." +Kia mmmhs. And the greats could've told me about the great-greats... *sigh* Fuck you, Mr. Death. +Himmel pffs. +Himmel says, "I'm many things." +Himmel says, "A scaredy cat is not one of them." +Duelist growls quietly, "What's up, MundyWoof?" +Grynn yawwwwns. +Mundy says, "This MSMV isn't working. It looks like I've got shit connected properly. But.. It's not behaving." +Djirin murmurs quietly, "Pound it with a rock" +Mundy says, "That'd be real helpful." +Djirin nods! +Kia anyways. Lemur lets you talk about scaredy cats and MSMVs. +Djirin offers Kuttas for pounding instead +Himmel rubs Kia. +Himmel says, "I'd love to meet my ancestors." +Himmel says, "But all of them would think I'm an abomination." +Himmel says, "The living ones all do, anyway." +Kuttas murrs! +Kia met his grandparents. All of them loved him. +You page-pose, "Makyo rrwf, nod, definitely time for bed soon. Needs cozy :3" to Judas +Himmel says, "One of my grandparents loved me. And one of my step-grandparents." +Himmel says, "Actually." +Kia says, "All of them died before I had the sense to actually ask them anything. " +Himmel says, "I'm not even sure how to define that relationship." +Kia says, "Fuck, I should talk to my dad about Vietnam. " +(p) In a page-pose to you, Judas gently picks you up, an' carries you over to the bed. He pulls back the sheets wif his tail, sets you on the bed, gets in himself, an' covers us both up. :) +Himmel says, "My grandmother married another man." +Kuttas wonders why, if Himmel isn't a scaredy cat, he's set !K? +Kia says, "Well, at least she didn't marry another woman? " +(p) In a page-pose to you, Judas gets all snuggly, a life-size foxplush. :) +Himmel says, "... Is that what the flag is, here?" +Kia's gramma would've married another man if she hadn't been Catholic and... well, Catholic. +Himmel says, "I thought it was kill_ok?:no ." +Kia says, "Grampa was a nasty drunk. " +Himmel's biological grandfather was a douchewad. +Cain arrives from the foyer. +Cain sits down +Makyo sneaky to bed. +There's no place like home... +There's no place like home... +There's no place like home... +You wake up back home, without your possessions. +Makyo disappears in a puff of complacency. +Apartment.(#51076RLJA) +More of a studio or loft than anything this apartment has had all separating walls removed except for those protecting the privacy of those engaging in bathroomly behaviors.. Nestled in one corner is a kitchenette type thing with an island counter for eating. Along an opposite wall are large picture windows, at the base of which a low platform surrounding two mattresses set next to each other on the ground, creating a sort of soft spot in the floor to serve as a ginormous bed type thing, with a few comfortors and loads of pillows tossed in to complete the image. +Contents: +BUTTON: He Who's Ears Are Upon Him(#51757) +Macchi +Ranna's Tails(#58415X) +Fluffy pink ribbon for Astarael's decidedly fluffy tails +You page-pose, "Makyo sqky, purrs and gets all cozy with, then, nestling under covers. Fox really should get to bed, 'fore it stays up much longer." to Judas +(p) In a page-pose to you, Judas turns out the light. Goodnight. :) *Zzz* +(p) In a page-pose to you, Judas *mrr*-signs you to sleep. :) +(p) Judas pages, "*sings" to you. +You page-pose, "Makyo dozes 'gainst comfortably, prr." to Judas +% Connection to furry closed. +\end{verbatim} +\newpage + +\begin{ally} +Thank you. +\end{ally} +I was going to save that for September sixth. + +\begin{ally} +I know. +\end{ally} +You made me cry. + +\begin{ally} +I know. +\end{ally} +You hurt me. + +\begin{ally} +I know. It's been seven years. +\end{ally} +Yit'gadal v'yit'kadash sh'mei raba Would that I had the faith To pray daily. Eleven months to let you go, And an amen to end the sorrow. + +\begin{ally} +It's okay to not let go of some things. +\end{ally} +How? How so? How could that possibly be true? How could one possible grow as a person with not letting go of something? + +\begin{ally} +It's okay to not let go of some things, and to use them to inform your growth in the future. It's okay to use grief to become a better person. +\end{ally} +I guess. + +But it still hurts. + +\begin{ally} +I know. We can continue. +\end{ally} +\newpage diff --git a/book/content/furry/younes.tex b/book/content/furry/younes.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..ce4afc8 --- /dev/null +++ b/book/content/furry/younes.tex @@ -0,0 +1,169 @@ +Back in 2011 and 2012, I started to really loathe being me. + +\begin{ally} +`Started'? +\end{ally} +Well, okay, in a very specific way. I started hating the anger. I started hating the expectations. I starting hating the toxicity. + +\begin{ally} +You started hating a lot more than that. +\end{ally} +I started hating my brain and my body. I started hating the coarseness of me. I started hating all my angles. I started hating my hair and my face and my genitals and my lies. + +I was lying to JD. I was lying to work. I was lying to Tyson. I was lying to everyone who saw me online as a girl, and I was lying to everyone who saw me online as a boy. I was in a liminal place where I could tell no one the truth. + +\begin{ally} +Not even yourself. +\end{ally} +Not yet, at least. + +There were a few easy steps to take, of course. I saw a doctor who got me on meds. + +\begin{ally} +Tell me about suicide. +\end{ally} +Not yet. Don't derail me for a bit. I need some breathing room after yesterday. + +\begin{ally} +Tell me about Younes, then. +\end{ally} +I'm getting there. + +I started taking my own meds alongside those the doctor gave me. I started the slow process of ridding myself of testosterone. I hated my body so much, I did my best to camp out up in my head, to remove at least one means of having to interact with it: sex. + +\begin{ally} +Go back. Before that. +\end{ally} +Before that, I changed how I presented. I changed Makyo to be genderless. Started going by `it' pronouns. And I made Younes. + +Younes was a means for me to no longer lie. Or at least knock the severity of the lies down a few notches. + +Younes was like me. He looked like a guy, but had something decidedly feminine about him. + +\begin{ally} +Don't be coy: he had a vagina. +\end{ally} +Well, yes, but he wasn't simply male in all his interactions. He was effeminate, without being flamey. He could be both more and less than a guy. + +\begin{ally} +Let's talk about kink. +\end{ally} +Soon, soon. +\newpage + +There's a few things that I did wrong, here. + +\begin{ally} +Objectively? +\end{ally} +Yes. Or maybe, wrong by consensus. Wrong subjectively, and also wrong by the standards of many of those around me. + +\begin{ally} +Did they feel wrong at the time? +\end{ally} +They felt shameful. + +\begin{ally} +Is shame wrong? +\end{ally} +Not always. It can be an indicator, I suppose. + +\begin{ally} +It's a tool. It's a tool to tell you when you're being vulnerable. In this case, vulnerable in your uncertainty. +\end{ally} +I suppose. + +I handled this in a way that made me feel a lot of shame. I was uncertain about a lot. + +\begin{ally} +If you had done so unabashedly, would that have made it any better? +\end{ally} +I don't know, honestly. + +\begin{ally} +What were you uncertain about? +\end{ally} +I was uncertain about the approach. I was uncertain about the terminology. I was uncertain about how it made me feel. That last most of all, probably. + +I approached Younes as a primarily sexual facet of myself. After all, what's the point of making a character with both a penis and a vagina, I thought, if there isn't going to be some aspect of sexuality to it? + +\begin{ally} +There may be a great many points besides that. +\end{ally} +Yeah, I know that now. Uncertain, remember? + +\begin{ally} +Always. +\end{ally} +So I made an altersex character that was primarily sexual in nature. that was the approach. And then I called him a `male-herm'. + +\begin{ally} +Ouch. +\end{ally} +Yeah, ouch. The term does not fit so well these days. Some folks own it, and I'm happy for them, but even then, the term rankled. It took a lot of history and turned it, for a lot of folks, into a fetish. A lot of intersex folks are really unhappy with it being used. Ditto `futanari'. + +It's understandable, too. Like, I've dealt with chasers. Folks who fetishize my gender, my presentation, my body. + +\begin{ally} +It's understandable now. +\end{ally} +Yes. Uncertainty. + +It made me feel almost right. It made me feel like I was on the edge of something. It made me feel just around the corner from a revelation. It made me doubt myself. It made me doubt my place in the world. It was both a symptom and the cause of my hatred for body. + +\begin{ally} +For your body, or for yourself? +\end{ally} +Both, I suppose. It was a symptom of this growing unease, this feeling of being just a few millimeters to the left of myself. This feeling of being just slightly out of focus. + +A rangefinder camera uses a ghostly yellow image overlaid atop the real image when you look through the viewfinder. When you turn the ring of the lens to focus, that ghost slowly shifts to align with the object you want to be in focus. + +\begin{ally} +Your view of yourself was slowly slipping from focus. Matthew was starting to lose coherency. +\end{ally} +And Younes was one of the means of slowly dragging that back into focus. + +It doesn't matter how right or wrong it was of me to use this tool. It does matter how wrong I was in the mechanics of the scenario. + +\begin{ally} +You hid him. You covered him up and kept him from the world. You interacted with a completely different crowd, as Younes than you did as Makyo or Macchi. When that overlapped with Rikky, it was awkward. +\end{ally} +It was, and not because of the altersex part. We interacted that way with Makyo as altersex, too, amd that didn't feel awkward at all. It felt like cheating to engage with the world as Younes. It felt shameful. + +\begin{ally} +The thing that you did wrong was to lie. +\end{ally} +\newpage + +Growing up, I had a real problem with lying. + +\begin{ally} +There were reasons. +\end{ally} +That doesn't mean it wasn't a problem. That doesn't make it right. + +\begin{ally} +It shifts more into the gray area. +\end{ally} +Let's talk about dad later. Life began at high school, remember? We can talk about the kid who grew up to be born freshman year some other time. + +\begin{ally} +The problem with lying is often the problem of secrets. The only secret that can be kept is when only one person knows it, and even then it's not guaranteed. +\end{ally} +Yes. + +\begin{ally} +And you got found out. +\end{ally} +Yes. + +\begin{ally} +And it cost you. +\end{ally} +Yes. It cost me friends. It cost me sanity. It made me jerk away from the path I'd started down. Made me jerk out of focus again. + +\begin{ally} +Let's talk about TIASAP. +\end{ally} +Yes. +\newpage diff --git a/book/content/gender/gender.tex b/book/content/gender/gender.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d6da639 --- /dev/null +++ b/book/content/gender/gender.tex @@ -0,0 +1,364 @@ +\begin{ally} +How did we get here? +\end{ally} +What? + +\begin{ally} +How did we get here? How did we get to this topic? Trace for me the route you took to get to the point where you felt able to talk about gender. +\end{ally} +Well, I suppose I started by talking about furry, which led to me talking about Younes, right? He was sort of the beginning of my more serious explorations into gender as something other than a tool for enjoying sex. + +\begin{ally} +Yes, but that's not where gender is on the map, is it? +\end{ally} +Why are you trying to get me to do this? + +\begin{ally} +Because we must take care to place ourselves in our time: now that we are done with writing about one of the hardest parts of our lives. And we must take special care that we locate ourselves within our place: having come at this conversation about gender through self-harm. +\end{ally} +Then yes. We got here through furry, which opened up the path before us to even begin exploring gender, and then we finally reached this topic through that of self-harm, wherein I came face to face with so many aspects of my body. It's so easy to disappear within one's own head for days, weeks, months at a time, but one eventually comes to terms with the fact that one is stuck with a body, and thus one must deal with it. Live with it and inhabit it. + +What better way to experience that sudden, jarring dissonance of body-ownership than to re-inhabit it and discover it to be wrong in so many ways? +\newpage + +I stand by the fact that not every trans, non-binary, or queer person experiences gender through a negative lens. Dysphoria is not a requirement for being trans. It has to be the case that there be a positive way to experience gender, or transition would be simply an exercise in futility. There has to be a flip side. There has to be gender euphoria. + +\begin{ally} +There has to be the little thrill of typing \texttt{morph\ female} and being able to interact with the world around you --- even if that's only in the instance of a furry text-base role-play game --- as something other, something truer. There has to be that even when you still enjoy the body you've got. +\end{ally} +Or are at least okay with it being yours on a day-to-day basis, yes. + +And I was. I thought I looked okay. I was reasonably fit. I was tall and I liked it. I was a baritone and happy with my voice. + +\begin{ally} +``Was''? +\end{ally} +There has to be some flip-side, right? There has to be a flip-side to the gender euphoria that I was feeling, and that was a slowly mounting dysphoria. + +If we got here through any one part of the trail I mentioned, it was through Younes specifically, more than \emph{just} furry or \emph{just} self-harm, because with Younes, so much started to hit me in a very visceral, physical way. It was one thing for me play as a girl online, to touch on aspects of gender and fertility and even sexism. It was another to be confronted with the fact that maybe the body that I had wasn't okay. + +\begin{ally} +``I remember laying on the couch,'' you said. ``That awful, awful yellow couch, and {[}JD{]} getting playful, and then some little movement of his touched a nerve and I started crying because of the way that brushed up against me wasn't in focus.'' +\end{ally} +Why do you bring my words back to me? + +\begin{ally} +``It brought to the forefront the fact that I didn't align with myself,'' you said. ``That there was a lag in my proprioception, that I was falling behind myself.'' +\end{ally} +I did. But why? + +\begin{ally} +Because you wrote that in the section about liminality. +\end{ally} +Yes, but I wrote it two days later than I wrote about Younes. + +\begin{ally} +The time scale is not what I'm pointing at right now. +\end{ally} +Can you point? + +\begin{ally} +Are you looking at my finger, or the moon? Don't dodge this. I'm pointing at the fact that you came at gender through furry, then through self-harm, and yet this quote, this realization of ``oh, shit, I might actually be trans'', is all the way on the other side of that goofy map you make, and from there, you headed into talking about your dad. +\end{ally} +So? + +\begin{ally} +And you headed from there to talking about your dad. +\end{ally} +So? + +\begin{ally} +By way of talking about a dress you tried on as a kid. +\end{ally} +I think I see where you're going, but it's important that you make your point. + +\begin{ally} +Gender is woven throughout this entire project. Gender is woven throughout your entire life. You build a map of this site like a web, and it is gender that is helping to hold it together. +\end{ally} +It is identity that is holding it together. + +\begin{ally} +Name a part of your identity that figures larger in your life than gender. +\end{ally} +Ah. +\newpage + +So, if we've talked about furry and we've talked about the dress and we've talked about dad and self-harm and the yellow couch, then what is there to talk about when it comes to gender? + +\begin{ally} +Talk about what happened. +\end{ally} +Are those not things that happened? + +\begin{ally} +They are things that happened before. They are precursors and doormats and signs. They all point to gender. Talk about gender. Talk about what happened. +\end{ally} +Alright. + +I remember laying on the couch --- that awful, awful yellow couch --- and him getting playful, and then some little movement of his touched a nerve and I started crying because of the way that brushed up against that me that wasn't in focus. It brought it to the forefront the fact that I didn't align with myself, that there was a lag in my proprioception, that I was falling behind myself. + +\begin{ally} +As you said. +\end{ally} +I remember scooting back up into a sitting position, facing JD, with us sitting by the picture window in the living room. I remember words coming out in a jumble. I remember leaning heavily on similes. I remember taking lots of breaks as though I was collecting my thoughts when really I was trying to talk without my voice going all gross with tears. That horrible, bubbly, trapped-in-my-chest sound that comes with trying to talk while crying. + +I remember explaining to him that I'd been spending so much time online having different parts than I actually had, that it was super jarring to have it brought into focus that that was actually not the case. I tried to say how, feeling him aroused and pressing against me, pressing between my legs, it hurt on a very emotional level that he was pressing only against my perineum and not against a vulva. + +\begin{ally} +Emotional isn't the right word there. It hurt on a visceral level. On a primitive level. It hurt in the sense that you had all of the reactions to pain except for the physical sensation of pain itself. There was the panic, the need to get away, to stop whatever was happening to cause that pain. +\end{ally} +I remember saying that I was having some complicated feelings about gender, but being largely unable to explain what they were. + +They were things that I could feel and not say. They were as yet ineffable. They were liminal. They had yet to surface completely. + +\begin{ally} +And they were frightening. Too frightening to say. +\end{ally} +Yes, had I the words, I would not have been able to say them out of fear. Fear that they might drive JD away, but also fear that they might be true, because if they were true, I was fucked. +\newpage + +\begin{ally} +So were you? +\end{ally} +Was I what? + +\begin{ally} +Fucked. Were you fucked? +\end{ally} +I think that's still to-be-determined. + +\begin{ally} +You don't seem fucked. I mean, life is harder now, I suppose. You've got to contend with a minority identity you never particularly wanted. +\end{ally} +There's no denying that. I don't quite like that this is what I'm stuck with, but I do alright with it. I try to keep going as best I can, and I try to help others as much as I can along the way. Robin likes to call me a ``trans psychopomp'', but I suspect that's due in part to the word `psychopomp' is really fun to say. I would say that she falls under that title as well. + +\begin{ally} +Do you see yourself as one? Do you see yourself as someone who guides others? +\end{ally} +Not particularly. I feel like I'm doing everything by accident. I feel like I'm accidentally visibly trans. Like I can't help but be visibly trans, like that's what I've got to work with. That that helps others long the way is still something of a mystery. A pleasant one, but a mystery. + +Still, the least I could do is not hurt, might as well put in the effort to be a help. + +\begin{ally} +Do you think that others see you as a resource? +\end{ally} +Perhaps, though that has me worried. That's an awful lot of responsibility. + +\begin{ally} +Permit me to take a tangent. +\end{ally} +Do I have a choice? + +\begin{ally} +You always have a choice. +\end{ally} +If I say no, what will happen? + +\begin{ally} +Nothing. +\end{ally} +You'll let me just carry on with what I was saying? + +\begin{ally} +Sure. +\end{ally} +Do you have the power to stop me? + +\begin{ally} +No, but do you? +\end{ally} +Ah. +\newpage + +\begin{ally} +Do you see yourself as a woman? +\end{ally} +I see where you're going with this. + +\begin{ally} +And? +\end{ally} +It's a good direction. + +\begin{ally} +So. Do you see yourself as a woman? +\end{ally} +No.~I'm a giant lump. I'm a rectangle. I'm more than six feet tall. I'm a baritone. I barely have breasts. I don't pass. + +\begin{ally} +Do you want to? +\end{ally} +No. + +\begin{ally} +That was easy. +\end{ally} +It's not. + +\begin{ally} +No, it isn't. +\end{ally} +\newpage + +\begin{ally} +Start at the beginning. +\end{ally} +And when I get to the end, stop. Yes. + +As soon as I got surgery, literally when I was in the hospital, laying in bed on my five days strict bed-rest, something changed about the ways in which trans women interacted with me. I was, in some indescribable way, no longer trans. + +\begin{ally} +Or, perhaps, no longer trans enough. +\end{ally} +Yes. I became a \emph{persona non grata} in a way that didn't involve actually cutting me out of trans spaces. + +\begin{ally} +You were done. You were finished. You had beat the game. +\end{ally} +I was a woman now. What could I possibly bring to a trans space, now that I was just a woman? I was appropriating their spaces. I was trespassing. + +\begin{ally} +So. Do you see yourself as a woman? +\end{ally} +You just asked me that. + +\begin{ally} +And I didn't like your answer. Do you see yourself as a woman? +\end{ally} +I don't. I see myself as a trans woman. + +\begin{ally} +Why? +\end{ally} +Do you want the scientific answer(s), or the personal? + +\begin{ally} +\ldots{} +\end{ally} +Right. + +I see myself as a trans woman because that's who I am. That's \emph{what} I am. I can't change that. I can't suddenly become interested in mechanical engineering. I can't suddenly be a dog. I can't even slowly become those things, I can't \emph{learn} to be a mechanical engineer, because I'm not interested in it. + +I can't become a woman. + +This isn't some essentialist, transphobic bullshit. Trans women are women, period. I'm not denying that. + +I'm just not a woman. I'm a trans woman. I'm \emph{specifically} a trans woman. That's who I am. That's \emph{what} I am. I don't want to pass. I don't want to be stealth. I don't want to be a woman, because that's very specifically not what I am. + +To have someone say, ``I just see you as a woman'' is to have a portion of my identity erased. It's reductionist to describe someone as something they aren't. That's one of the lessons we learned from folks coming out, from folks learning about identity. + +\begin{ally} +You just also learned that other trans women are as apt to do the same. +\end{ally} +Yes. I left chats. I stopped talking with some people. I didn't feel welcome, no matter how friendly folks were. Where I had been leaning heavily on Maddy, that cis-female character, I started drifting back towards Makyo, towrads portraying the explicitly transfeminine. + +\begin{ally} +All because they believed you were something that you weren't. +\end{ally} +Yes. + +\begin{ally} +And did you ask them? +\end{ally} +No. + +\begin{ally} +Why not? +\end{ally} +I didn't feel that I needed to. It was one of those types of ostracization where you're part of a circle, and then slowly people stop referring to you, and then maybe someone leans over to nudge the person standing on the other side of you and then doesn't quite lean back all the way, and then somehow you're standing just outside this circle of your very own friends, holding your red solo cup, wondering what it is that you did wrong. + +\begin{ally} +Did you make your voice heard. +\end{ally} +Not for more than a year after. + +\begin{ally} +Why not? +\end{ally} +Because perhaps I was appropriating their space. Perhaps I was taking this venue that was for these pre-op trans women to talk about their struggles and stepping into it unwanted. Perhaps I was stepping out of my lane. + +\begin{ally} +Were you? +\end{ally} +I don't know. +\newpage + +\begin{ally} +What did you do? +\end{ally} +I think the correct question is ``What didn't I do?'' + +\begin{ally} +I'll bite. What didn't you do? +\end{ally} +I didn't practice my voice. I didn't give up dyeing my hair. I didn't stop dressing like a mess. I didn't do all of those things that are supposed to help you get by in the world without all that added baggage of being trans. + +I didn't try to pass. + +I didn't try to be a woman. + +I didn't want to. I want to be a trans woman. It's not masochism. It's not appropriation. I don't think so. I think it's living true to myself. I think it's being honest and saying that who I am involves being trans, and that ignoring that would be doing myself a disservice. + +\begin{ally} +``I was not Madison,'' you said. ``I am not Matthew. I can't deny his existence, though. He was him, and to erase that, to toe the party line and say I've always known that I was Madison, would do a disservice to him.'' +\end{ally} +Yes, but it goes beyond that. I'm not saying simply that I was not a woman and then either at some point did become one or that, at some point, \emph{will} become one. I'm saying that I live in that liminal space between. I can't be anything other than what I am. I can't live anywhere else. + +\begin{ally} +There's a lot of talk in your circles about internalized transphobia. That sense that one should hate this aspect about oneself and try to get away from it. Have you not just internalized some sort of trans euphoria? Have you not simply bought into the sense of being different for being different's sake? +\end{ally} +Are you playing at being devil's advocate? + +\begin{ally} +Yes. +\end{ally} +Why? + +\begin{ally} +I want you to justify yourself. +\end{ally} +Why? + +\begin{ally} +Because it's important that you be able to explain yourself. +\end{ally} +Why? + +\begin{ally} +Because if you can't, how can you say you understand yourself? +\end{ally} +\newpage + +You are playing devil's advocate because you are handily ignoring genderqueer people in order to get me to explain my identity. + +\begin{ally} +I am, yes. So, explain. +\end{ally} +We, as gender-nonconforming people, talk often about gender dysphoria. There is a flip side to that. There is gender euphoria. There is that sense of rightness when you glimpse the you who was meant to be in the mirror, rather than the you who you've been trained to be. + +I look in the mirror and I see a woman sometimes, and that makes me happy. I look in the mirror and I see a man sometimes, and that makes me unhappy. + +\begin{ally} +Does that not make you a woman? +\end{ally} +\ldots{}And sometimes, when I look in the mirror, I see this rockin' queer person, someone who is unabashedly, unashamedly trans, and \emph{that} is when I feel euphoria. + +I don't fit in cisgender spaces. I never will. I fit in trans spaces. That's the `square hole', as it were. that's where I belong. + +\begin{ally} +Are you not gender-queer, then? +\end{ally} +Am I? So be it. That is not mutually exclusive with being a trans woman. + +But to have that part of myself be erased by other trans women because I reached some magical stage on the gender escalator and stepped off hurts as much as being misgendered as a man by the worst TERF out there. +\newpage + +\begin{ally} +I'm happy for you. +\end{ally} +What? Why? + +\begin{ally} +You're proud. For the first time, you're proud of who you are. +\end{ally} +\newpage diff --git a/book/content/gender/surgery.tex b/book/content/gender/surgery.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..b8b2b82 --- /dev/null +++ b/book/content/gender/surgery.tex @@ -0,0 +1,113 @@ +\null +\vfill +\begin{verse}[1.01\textwidth] + Saturday is for mechanics.\\ + Sunday is for terror.\\ + Monday is for acceptance.\\ + Tuesday is for purging.\\ + Wednesday is for anxiety.\\ + Thursday is for sleep. +\end{verse} +\vfill + +\newpage + +\begin{verse}[1.01\textwidth] + It is surprisingly hard to think something real\\ + when every indication, every word, all you feel\\ + tells you that that must not be the case.\\ + There's no easy way to make yourself face\\ + that which your emotions continually deny,\\ + no matter how true you know it to be.\\! + \vinphantom{no matter how true you know it to be.} But why\\ + must all these contradictions claim events\\ + that mean the most to us? What prevents\\ + them from taking the unimportant? The small?\\ + Is the import just to big? Can we not fit all\\ + of the thing in our heads? Are we too weak?\\ + Is the life-changing too vast to explore, to seek\\ + out every corner? +\end{verse} + +\begin{ally} + Have you considered that your constant seeking\\ + \noindent may be the problem? That your anxieties leaking\\ + \noindent all over may be what's preventing you\\ + \noindent from recognizing what's actually true:\\ + \noindent you can do things for yourself. It's allowed. +\end{ally} + +\begin{verse}[1.01\textwidth] + It also doesn't help that there were so many delays.\\ + The scheduler losing my application, and me counting days\\ + after those who consulted after me got their dates;\\ + The mishap of the letters, and me rushing past gates\\ + and their keepers; countless thoughts of countless regrets ---\\ + regrets which hadn't yet happened --- as mom frets\\ + that maybe I will wind up hating my new body.\\ + And why not? Why not fret? Surgery! How gaudy.\\ + I fight with myself enough over how this surgery\\ + is plastic, how I'm just doing something sugary\\ + to somehow make myself somewhat more appealing.\\ + How trite. How selfish. How lame. How revealing\\ + of my bottomless shallowness. +\end{verse} + +\begin{ally} + Your saving grace being, as always, dysphoria:\\ + \noindent more than any cough or cold, more than your chorea,\\ + \noindent it provided you with a problem. Something fixable.\\ + \noindent It gave you a tangible solution to something integral\\ + \noindent that plagued you. +\end{ally} + +\begin{verse}[1.01\textwidth] + That I had something I could concrete at which to point\\ + that would be fixed by this act, I could thus annoint\\ + it as somehow more worthy, something worth doing.\\ + If I could go through some process of ungluing,\\ + excise this thing from myself I might become whole\\ + in some way never before imagined.\\! + \vinphantom{in some way never before imagined.} Ah, but the toll.\\ + There must always some arbitrary price to pay ---\\ + Self-actualization must never be free --- and hey,\\ + Everything in society must come with a reason.\\ + To come up with letters, proof, for that season\\ + of change must serve some sort of divine end.\\ + To wait eighteen long months, to refuse to bend\\ + to others' whims\ldots{} +\end{verse} + +\begin{ally} + You got your letters, you got your date, you did it.\\ + \noindent You did your labor, you did your time. They let you fidget\\ + \noindent and twist in the wind. Hell, they did it to you twice.\\ + \noindent Your letters only good for one year, you had to ask nice\\ + \noindent for a second set. +\end{ally} + +\begin{verse}[1.01\textwidth] + Yes.\\! + \vinphantom{Yes. } To preempt your 'why', I followed my own advice:\\ + If I feel the same when I'm depressed as I do when I feel nice,\\ + It's a thing worth doing. Eighteen months is time enough\\ + to let at least two depressive cycles call my own bluff.\\ + When they did not, when I panicked at having to reapply\\ + and still pulled through in time, well, no need to justify\\ + my actions any further. That's when it all became real.\\ + That's when I was in. That's when I could tell just by feel\\ + that I was ready for this change. I wasn't \emph{ready} ready,\\ + but I was ready enough to come off as rock steady\\ + when I called the surgeon's office. I was visibly confident,\\ + even at the pre-operative appointments, totally cognizant\\ + that I didn't deserve this. +\end{verse} + +\begin{ally} + Whether or not you deserve this is not up for debate.\\ + \noindent Not because you do or don't so much as because the hand fate\\ + \noindent dealt you. You had the job, you had the insurance, the means.\\ + \noindent You made the call. You took the step. You passed the screens.\\ + \noindent \textbf{You} did this. +\end{ally} +\newpage diff --git a/book/content/jay.tex b/book/content/jay.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..ba2e8a0 --- /dev/null +++ b/book/content/jay.tex @@ -0,0 +1,200 @@ +Mom and Jay got married when I was in elementary school. Fourth grade, maybe? It's a bit hazy. + +\begin{ally} +Life began in high school, remember? +\end{ally} +Life began when I came out, I suppose. Or maybe when I ran away. Life began when I started to assert ownership over it. + +\begin{ally} +Who owned it before? +\end{ally} +I thought my dad did. My dad and Jay, and they let my mom borrow me. + +\begin{ally} +What did you own. +\end{ally} +Many gifts. A few hobbies. Later, an internet connection. +\newpage + +Jay was a photographer. An artist. A true, honest, dyed-in-the-wool artist. + +\begin{ally} +You looked up to him. Part of you wanted to be him. He could run a photography business funded by his day job of being a newspaper photographer. You thought of him when you changed your major to music. +\end{ally} +Did I? I was terrified of him. + +\begin{ally} +Are they so different? `Awe', as a word, is not always a positive one. +\end{ally} +He took a picture of his son from a prior marriage that I still remember. Zach was shirtless, covered in mud that had started to dry and crack. He was looking down and to the left. He was holding something\ldots{}a sunflower, maybe? He had ram horns. The colors were muted\ldots{}was it black and white? Or was it just the mud? + +I think I wanted to be that. Not Zach, necessarily. but I wanted to be that picture. I wanted to be a son that was loved like that. I wanted to be something as magical as that felt. + +\begin{ally} +You also wanted to be the Phantom from Phantom of the Opera. Raoul was the bad guy, and you danced with your `Christine', Sarah Trowbridge, after school in front of your parents on the balance beam. +\end{ally} +I desperately craved being an artist. I drew endlessly. I played the saxophone, and sometimes I even liked it. I wrote music. My first song in third or fourth grade. + +Maybe I did look up to him. He pulled it off. + +\begin{ally} +Until he didn't. +\end{ally} +Right. When my mom told me to get in touch with him a decade and a half after the divorce, he owned a feed store down the block from me. + +He left The Rocky Mountain News as lead photographer or something to pursue a job in 3D art. He bought Bryce 3D. He brought Lightwave. He spent a year learning Lightwave, and when the next version came out, he bought that and said it would take time to learn. + +By that point, mom had been supporting all of us --- herself, him, me, my step-brother and two step-sisters --- for a year. She confided in me later that she had lost half a million dollars by the end of the relationship. + +I didn't remember that folly. I majored in music and thought, ``Ah, yes, I can get a job doing library music or teaching choir while I work on my compositions'' but forgot how lucky he was when I met him. + +\begin{ally} +You remembered and raced to teach yourself programming. +\end{ally} +\emph{You} remembered, maybe. I'd like to think of myself as a bit of a dreamer, even still. + +\begin{ally} +Thus you, 1:19 AM on a Tuesday, gritting your teeth and trying not to write about mania. +\end{ally} +\newpage + +Our punishment --- my step-siblings and I --- was time-out. Jay had an old church pew rescued from some church in New Mexico that he'd painted a grayish sky blue. ``Go sit on the bench,'' he'd tell us. ``Half an hour.'' + +\begin{ally} +You measured it with your fingers. You'd judge the width of the plank you sat on by pinching it. Three inches? Four? You'd lay your length on it and count how many Matts it took from one end to another. +\end{ally} +It was a perfect punishment. My dad lamented once that he couldn't send me to my room as a punishment because I'd happily sit in there for hours on end. + +\begin{ally} +You'd be away from him. That's a reward. +\end{ally} +I hadn't thought of it that way. + +The bench, though, was perfect. It faced a dining table, and across from that, the computer which was kept powered off. No reading. No talking. No moving from the bench. If more than one of us were in trouble at the same time, no looking at each other; we sat on opposite ends. + +When he started taking up martial arts, he brought Zach and I with him. He thought\ldots{}well, I don't know what he thought. That it would make us men? That it would teach us to defend ourselves? + +In the end, it turned into its own means of punishment. He'd grapple with us. He'd grab me by the front of my shirt and slam me into the cabinets. It was just play, right? Just studying up for the next session, right? + +\begin{ally} +Maybe he wanted to hit you from the start. Maybe that's why he got into karate. +\end{ally} +I think part of him did, yeah. I think part of him would rather our punishments would make him feel better at the same time. It took me a while to think of it that way, though. It took me a while to think of it as abuse. + +\begin{ally} +It took you no longer being afraid of him. It took you telling your mom that, no, you wouldn't go see him at his feed store in Loveland. It took you until then to think of it as anything other than you not being man enough. +\end{ally} +I'm still afraid of him. Maybe it just took me admitting that. +\newpage + +When I came out, I did so by leaving a book of stories from gay youth on top of my mom's reading pile right before taking the bus down to visit my dad for the night. She called me after dinner and asked me if the book meant what she thought it did. + +\begin{ally} +Did you ever tell --- really tell, with words and everything --- any of your family you were gay? Or trans? +\end{ally} +Twice. It was awful. + +She must have told him at some point. Within a week, he told my mom I had to tell Zach that I was gay, too. He left the house on a run and made my mom stand in the kitchen with me to make me say, ``Zach, I'm gay.'' + +He just said, ``Oh, okay'', and kept pouring his Kix. + +\begin{ally} +And then he stopped talking to you. +\end{ally} +Beside the point. + +After I came out, Jay changed. He got mean-- + +\begin{ally} +``Got'', she says. +\end{ally} +Do you fear him, then? + +\begin{ally} +Mu. +\end{ally} +Fair enough. + +He got mean. That's when he got physical. That's when his anger got hot. + +He started reading my emails. He found some reply notifications to some posts on a forum, where kids were talking about puberty. As kids do, there was some dick-size comparing. He read that aloud in front of my mom and mocked me for my answer. I had said seven inches. It was generous, sure, but keep in mind, I was way underweight at the time-- + +\begin{ally} +And him rather overweight. +\end{ally} +--and the skinnier you are, the less padding you have around the base of your penis. + +\begin{ally} +We're getting off topic. +\end{ally} +Are we? I was starting to own my body. I was starting to find things that I felt I could feel proud about. I was starting to form relationships. Puberty was in full swing and I was realizing that there were people my age like me who would find me attractive. + +And he took that and he humiliated me for it. + +\begin{ally} +Let's talk about kink. +\end{ally} +Let's fucking not. +\newpage + +My mom and I got in the habit of going to the dog part after work. We'd pick up Hank, our golden lad, and Chelsea, our Phyllis-Diller-slash-Yoda mutt, and drive across town to a field dedicated to letting dogs frolic with each other. + +We'd play with other dogs. We'd through tennis ball after slobbery tennis ball. We got to know the other owners, mostly as ``oh, you're Sandy's owner''. + +\begin{ally} +Or ``oh, you're Zephyr's owner''. You stole your own dog's name from some random aussie shepherd at the dog park. +\end{ally} +It was a meaningful period of my life. Is there some reason that wouldn't make a big impact on me? + +\begin{ally} +It was Zephyr or Samuel. Even you knew what you wanted. You had him already named in your mind. +\end{ally} +And mom and I would talk. We'd walk the perimeter or, on hot days, sit at the lone picnic table under the lone tree and talk. + +I was sitting on the table itself, feet on the bench, and she was sitting next to me, when she said, ``I think I'm going to get divorced from Jay. Is it alright if I use his reaction to you coming out as the reason?'' + +\begin{ally} +And you thought, ``I must be the luckiest boy in the world, being able to say that I knew my parents' divorce was your fault.'' +\end{ally} +She told me how much money she had lost, and how he had changed even before I came out. I think that's when I realized that she might be a friend as well as a mother. + +\begin{ally} +Gag. +\end{ally} +I know. I tried typing that eight different ways, and no matter what, it sounds like a Care Bears thing or whatever. + +\begin{ally} +Back to the lilac-scented word, please. +\end{ally} +Gladly. +\newpage + +Between when the divorce was decided and when we were supposed to move out to the townhouse my mom had purchased, mom adopted a dog. Helen had clearly been feral rather than a surrender, because she was impossible. She didn't know how to act around dogs. She didn't know how to act around people. She didn't know how to act indoors. She didn't know how to act outside. + +\begin{ally} +She didn't know how to act around you, so you hid from her. +\end{ally} +She didn't know how to act around Jay, either, to be fair. One night, three days before we were supposed to move out, mom was sleeping on the couch downstairs, and Jay came down from the master bedroom to have the last word in one argument or another, and Helen raced up to greet him, nailing him right in the nuts with her paw. + +Do you laugh? + +\begin{ally} +Not my department. +\end{ally} +It took my mom and I a while to laugh about that. It's the type of story that usually gets a laugh, right? Nut-shots? + +\begin{ally} +Hollywood decrees it must be so. +\end{ally} +Maybe my mom smiled when she woke me to tell me we had to move out immediately. It was Sunday. We moved all we could to the townhouse in my mom's Honda Civic and slept on newly-purchased air mattresses. Mine kept going flat. + +\begin{ally} +Your mom would soon learn that she had rheumatoid arthritis. You complained to her about that in the morning, and she stayed quiet about how much pain she must have been in. +\end{ally} +The next day at school was nigh intolerable. + +\begin{ally} +And yet you felt free. +\end{ally} +And yet I felt free. +\newpage diff --git a/book/content/koan.tex b/book/content/koan.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..a1fe56e --- /dev/null +++ b/book/content/koan.tex @@ -0,0 +1,100 @@ +\noindent A friend asked Maddy: what is the importance of tension? + +Maddy said: I don't know + +The friend looked sad and went away. + +When the friend came back, they asked: what is the importance of tension? + +Maddy said: I know- + +But the friend cut her off angrily and left in a huff. + +Later, the friend asked Maddy: what is the importance of tension? + +Maddy said: I know: I don't know + +Then they sat and chatted over a cup of tea. +\newpage + +\noindent A friend asked Maddy: why do you drink tea? + +Maddy said: I like it. It's tasty, it makes me feel good. + +The friend said: well that's dumb. + +Maddy went and drank tea. + +The friend asked: why do you drink tea? + +Maddy said: I don't know. + +The friend said: well that's dumb. + +Maddy went and drank tea. + +The friend asked: why do you drink tea? + +Maddy said: I like it. It's tasty, it makes me feel good. + +The friend laughed and clapped delightedly, and said: perfect + +Then sat to drink tea with Maddy. +\newpage + +\noindent A friend asked Maddy: why are you coating yourself with grease? + +Maddy said: so that when I run through a field, no dirt will stick to me, and I won't get poked by thorns. + +Maddy ran through the field, and wound up covered in dirt and scratches. + +The friend said: better to not run. +\newpage + +Maddy built a sand castle and it was washed away. + +The first friend was sad about the sand castle for Maddy, and said: better to not build the sand castle and risk further sorrow. + +The second friend said this was good, because Maddy saw adversity and built the castle anyway. + +The third said this was good because Maddy was able to acknowledge the castle and let it pass. + +A fourth said: better to have never built the castle. The sand is itself, the wave is itself, and Maddy remains. + +The fifth was helping build a bigger, better sand castle. +\newpage + +\noindent A friend asked Maddy: why are you nailing boards together? + +Maddy said: I'm building a house to live in. + +When the friend came back later, there was an awkward jumble of sticks nailed together on the ground. They said: well that was dumb. + +Some time later, the friend visited Maddy and asked: why are you frowning? + +Maddy said: I paid someone to build me a house, but it's round, upside down, and a mile to the east of where it should be. + +The friend shrugged and said: well that was dumb + +Some time later, the friend visited Maddy and found her reading on the front porch of a cozy home. They said: did you build this? + +Maddy said: no, but I did my part. + +The friend laughed and sat down next to Maddy to read with her. +\newpage + +\begin{ally} +Are you having fun? +\end{ally} +Yes. + +\begin{ally} +You know that I'm not the friend, right? +\end{ally} +I do. + +\begin{ally} +Carry on. +\end{ally} +No, I'm finished for now. +\newpage diff --git a/book/content/liminal.tex b/book/content/liminal.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..a49973b --- /dev/null +++ b/book/content/liminal.tex @@ -0,0 +1,367 @@ +\begin{ally} +If Matthew died on September 6th, 2012, was Madison born then? +\end{ally} +No, I don't think so. Madison was born some years later. Maybe at some point in 2014. The years in between were a sort of liminal time. + +\begin{ally} +You found yourself in a place between. +\end{ally} +I did. There was this time in my life when I was figuring out gender. I was figuring out poly. I was figuring out working. I was figuring out not being at school and moving away from music and learning to write and all the interstices of alcoholism. Those little nooks and crannies you never know about until you start drinking in earnest. + +It was like a second period of growing up. Something more refined than a rebirth. Something less grand. Something subtler. + +\begin{ally} +You also learned the term `hendiatris'. +\end{ally} +I have a style, alright? + +\begin{ally} +Right. +\end{ally} +It's the time when I started {[}a{]}{[}s{]}, the time when I started to look at my life in earnest, to give thought to the fact that one might actually enjoy things, have opinions. It was the time I started to let go of irony, bit by bit. + +\begin{ally} +It was the time you started to own yourself. +\end{ally} +Maybe. Maybe not. I'm still working on that one. It feels like an ongoing struggle. + +\begin{ally} +What's the old saw? You'll finally perfect it six months after death? +\end{ally} +I think that was about when men leave puberty. + +\begin{ally} +Let's talk about TIASAP. +\end{ally} +No more, please. + +\begin{ally} +Let's talk about puberty. +\end{ally} +That first exploration? I don't know if I'm ready for that, yet. + +\begin{ally} +So what \textbf{are} you talking about? +\end{ally} +Well, I was going to talk about that liminal phase, but you seem to have other ideas. + +\begin{ally} +That just means you're unfocused. +\end{ally} +Well, yes. + +\begin{ally} +Tell me about that place in between, then. +\end{ally} +\newpage + +Shortly after we learned that Margaras died-- + +\begin{ally} +Less than twenty-four hours. That's pretty short. +\end{ally} +--I wound up in Montreal on the first of many work `sprints'. These were to become a common fixture for the next six years. After all, working from home only gets you so far. Gotta get together, actually learn how the others on your team work. Meet. + +\begin{ally} +You had just started at Canonical. Are you sure that wasn't the death of Matthew? Or maybe it was getting married? Creating Younes? +\end{ally} +Matthew was sick for a while. Can we put it that way? He was struggling to hold on, his time was at an end, he was looking rather pale. + +\begin{ally} +He was fading. +\end{ally} +Yes. + +\begin{ally} +And Madison faded in in 2014. +\end{ally} +I was a transparent person. I was less than real. I was empty, unable to contain an identity. I was a fetch. I was held together with Blu-Tack and paperclips. I was not myself. + +\begin{ally} +Are you now? +\end{ally} +Held together with Blu-Tack? I like to think I'm moderately better put together these days. + +\begin{ally} +No, yourself. Are you yourself yet? +\end{ally} +Six months after death, remember? + +\begin{ally} +Fair. What did you do during your two years as a half-entity? +\end{ally} +Failed. Like, a lot. I failed like it was my job. I failed friends when we moved to Loveland and effectively disappeared from their lives. I failed work when I burned so hard that I burnt out. I failed at communicating. I failed in a lot of ways. + +I drank, too. I stopped composing. + +\begin{ally} +Was it so negative a time? +\end{ally} +No, of course not. I'm still here. A lot of that failure was the valuable sort. I failed my years at university when I stopped composing, but found that I could still be creative when writing. I failed work when I burned out, but I also learned how to pace myself better (something I definitely hadn't learned up until that point). I learned how to talk, how to listen. At least, how to listen better, how to express myself better. + +There's a lot of folks to whom I could credit those being successful failures, if there is such a thing. In a round about way, my boss from the job prior kicking my ass and making me go to therapy, even if not to the ideal therapist, set me on the path to learning how to slow down when I needed to and speed up when that was called for. Writing got me better at putting my ideas --- and, at times, emotions --- into words. Friends, countless friends, helped me become who I am. + +\begin{ally} +What's that I'm tasting? Sweet'n Low? +\end{ally} +Is it really that saccharine to be able to look back and say that you sucked, and that you're getting better? + +She wears a pendant of stamped brass Saying ``Non sum qualis eram.'' + +Like, obviously, it sucks to get that regretrospect feeling of looking back and realizing that you were a terrible person, but it's also a good sign that you've improved. If you don't like who you were, at least it's good that you're not that, now. + +\begin{ally} +Unless you don't like who you are now. +\end{ally} +That's a different problem. Same class of problem, maybe, but a different problem. +\newpage + +\begin{ally} +Was it really so bad to be in this liminal space? +\end{ally} +Of course not. I just got done saying how much I learned during that time. + +\begin{ally} +You don't make it sound pleasant. +\end{ally} +It wasn't, I suppose. I mean, obviously there was a lot of good going on in my life. I started a few relationships that are still going strong to this day. I solidified my place in the industry. {[}a{]}{[}s{]} took off. Good stuff came of it. A better me came of it. + +\begin{ally} +At what cost? +\end{ally} +Well. + +Okay. A lot of that time was bound up in recovery. There was the suicide attempt in March that ate up a lot of my emotional bandwidth on a daily basis for quite a while. + +There are a lot of cute metaphors for how pain and grief work on a daily basis. Spoon theory is great and all, but it's starting to lose its luster for me. I like the idea of spell slots. It was like the number of spell slots I had to work with before needing a long rest was reduced by half after that, and it took me two years at least to bring it back up. + +\begin{ally} +You remain a parody of yourself. +\end{ally} +It's only been a few days since you reminded me of that. + +\begin{ally} +I will never cease to do so. +\end{ally} +Fine. + +Another metaphor is that you have a box with a ball in it. On the wall of the box is a button that causes pain, exhaustion, anxiety, your choice. When it starts out, the ball is big and with basically every movement, it bumps up against the button and activates it. Over time, the ball gets smaller and bumps up against the switch less often. + +Or maybe you could think of it as endurance. You can hold a glass of water for a few minutes, but after a bit, it becomes painful, and after along time, your arm can start to feel paralyzed. Over time and with training, you might be able to endure that longer and longer. + +The last two, in particular, are used often with the idea of grief in mind, which, I suppose, is fitting given how much I still bear over Margaras. + +\begin{ally} +Do you feel any for Matthew? +\end{ally} +Less, perhaps. + +\begin{ally} +Was it that easy to let go? +\end{ally} +I don't know. Maybe. +\newpage + +\begin{ally} +And so when was Madison born? +\end{ally} +On, September 2, 2014, I got this email: + +\begin{quotation} +I recently discovered your Twitter page and I wasn't sure if I should say something or not. When I saw that you are stressing out about telling me about your name change I thought I'd better 'fess up. + +I love the name "Madison". It may take me a while to get used to calling you by your new name so forgive me if I make a mistake. Madison, whatever direction your life takes you, I'll accept you, support you and love you unconditionally. Please don't stress out about my reaction. + +See you Friday. + +Hugs, +Mom +\end{quotation} + +And, two days later: + +\begin{quotation} +Hey Madison, + +Maybe I shouldn't have opened up to you about seeing your Twitter thingy. I felt like I was being dishonest by not saying anything but it looks like you are really, really anxious about knowing that I've seen it. Yikes! + +Are you OK with me visiting tomorrow? I'd love to see you but I don't want to add to your anxiety any more than I already have. Let me know if you have enough spoons. + +Love, +Mom +\end{quotation} + +\begin{ally} +Did you not want her to come up? +\end{ally} +No, I did. I told her: + +\begin{quotation} +Mom, + +I'm anxious, but please come up tomorrow. I think I need that more than anything right now. + +~M +\end{quotation} + +That's when I was born. September 4, 2014 at 3:18 PM. Madison Scott-Clary, 230 pounds, 73 inches. + +\begin{ally} +You were born when you could own yourself. +\end{ally} +Yes. I was born when I could share that with my mom. It was all well and good for me to be out on Twitter and what not, and it was great that JD could accept me, but the fact that I could start to regain my biological family without any lies in the way was when I opened my eyes for the first time. + +\begin{ally} +How was the visit? +\end{ally} +I don't know. I don't remember. I think it was fine. We talked about me starting hormones-- + +\begin{ally} +Did you talk about TIASAP? +\end{ally} +\emph{No.} + +No, we did not. If she's reading this, which she may very well be, this will be how she learns about that. + +How could I possibly talk to my mom about something like that? I hid my arms and legs from her for years before, and it wouldn't be for another year before I could even bring up the concept of self-harm. + +\begin{ally} +That's not true. +\end{ally} +I\ldots{}well, no, it's not. + +\begin{ally} +Let's talk about suicide. +\end{ally} +Not yet. + +Please. + +\begin{ally} +Why not? +\end{ally} +I'd like it to be a cohesive thing. I'd like to be able to think about it on its own, none of this coming at it sideways. I'd like to be deliberate about it. + +\begin{ally} +Soon. +\end{ally} +Yes, soon. +\newpage + +Telling dad was the second time I came out to family deliberately. + +\begin{ally} +The third. +\end{ally} +Third? + +\begin{ally} +You told Aunt Patty that you were gay back before high school. +\end{ally} +I\ldots{}did not remember that. + +\begin{ally} +Not until just now, apparently. +\end{ally} +Apparently. I have no recollection of what I said. I have no recollection of what \emph{she} said. + +I have no recollection of her. + +\begin{ally} +Hazy images at grandma's. +\end{ally} +I guess. + +\begin{ally} +Memories surrounding her. +\end{ally} +Lots of those. + +\begin{ally} +Memories of when she and her family got stranded on a sailboat between Cuba and Florida and rescued by a cruise ship. Grandma and dad smug in their assessment that she was stupid and irresponsible. +\end{ally} +A vague, heavily pixelated picture shot by one of the cruise boat attendants. + +\begin{ally} +``She's crazy,'' they said. ``She has too many kids. They draw all over the walls. Her house is wild. She's crazy.'' +\end{ally} +And me, with with my secret. My little pet lie I kept hidden from them. + +\begin{ally} +Tell me about coming out to dad. +\end{ally} +I will. +\newpage + +Coming out to myself and JD was more gradual. A sea-change. + +\begin{ally} +Maybe that's what those two years were between Matthew and Madison were. +\end{ally} +Nothing of him that doth fade, but doth suffer a sea-change into something rich and strange. + +I suppose so. I explored around the edges of it. I touched it tentatively. I lived my life in widening circles. + +\begin{ally} +Surely you mean narrowing. +\end{ally} +Okay, yes. It was too good a line to pass up, though. Shakespeare \emph{and} Rilke in one go? + +\begin{ally} +There is nothing new under the sun. +\end{ally} +Ooh, and Ecclasiastes, you spoil me. + +\begin{ally} +Treat, as they say, yourself. Carry on. +\end{ally} +There were little fits and starts between James and I. I remember laying on the couch --- that awful, awful yellow couch --- and him getting playful, and then some little movement of his touched a nerve and I started crying because of the way that brushed up against that me that wasn't in focus. It brought it to the forefront the fact that I didn't align with myself, that there was a lag in my proprioception, that I was falling behind myself. + +Is there some word for ecstasy that doesn't imply it being positive? Something that captures the feeling of being outside oneself, beside oneself, behind oneself without implying the sense of greatness, of awe that goes along with spiritual \emph{ekstasis}? + +\begin{ally} +Dissociation? +\end{ally} +Yeah. + +That. + +That little bit of panic-colored dissociation that I would later name dysphoria would come in waves. Sometimes it'd be triggered, as it was then. Sometimes it would fade slowly into view and I'd go on a tear making skirts and then it would fade back into the low background static of the anxiety that goes along with being a member of a minority identity group. + +\begin{ally} +There \textbf{was} ecstasy, though. There was euphoria as well as dysphoria. +\end{ally} +Yes. + +The moment when my hair got long enough to put up in a ponytail. + +The utter terror of shaving my legs for the first time, weird as it sounds. Outrageously stupid, and yet the feeling of \emph{having} shaved legs was incredibly validating. + +The first time I looked in the mirror and saw the trace of femininity. + +The softening of skin. + +The first ``she'' on the street. + +The first ``ma'am'' on the phone. + +Hell, the first time dressing feminine. + +\begin{ally} +What, back when you were nine? When you snuck into the spare room and tried on one of Julie's dresses? +\end{ally} +Holy \emph{shit} could you just \emph{shut up}. + +\begin{ally} +Wow, touched a nerve, there. +\end{ally} +We will talk about that later. +\newpage + +You know what? No, I take that back. We'll talk about it now. + +\begin{ally} +Tell me about the dress. +\end{ally} +It's not even about the dress. +\newpage diff --git a/book/content/poet-and-mystic.tex b/book/content/poet-and-mystic.tex index 4cba7cf..70bf0fd 100644 --- a/book/content/poet-and-mystic.tex +++ b/book/content/poet-and-mystic.tex @@ -1,60 +1,75 @@ \noindent \emph{Here is the difference betwixt the poet and the mystic, that the last nails a symbol to one sense, which was a true sense for a moment, but soon becomes old and false. For all symbols are fluxional; all language is vehicular and transitive, and is good, as ferries and horses are, for conveyance, not as farms and houses are, for homestead. Mysticism consists in the mistake of an accidental and individual symbol for an universal one.} -\ally{Pretty.} - +\begin{ally} +Pretty. +\end{ally} \noindent I didn't write it. -\ally{I know.} - +\begin{ally} +I know. +\end{ally} \noindent I scramble through great heaps of words and sounds to try and at least pin some of them to fleeting symbols. Maybe then I'll be able to learn to see more of the accidental and individual symbols. -\ally{Too many words, too many sounds.} - +\begin{ally} +Too many words, too many sounds. +\end{ally} \noindent Yes. -\ally{You wrote four pieces about the winds coming down over the foothills near Boulder (for, of all things, wind quartet), just to try and capture one ecstatic experience.} - +\begin{ally} +You wrote four pieces about the winds coming down over the foothills near Boulder (for, of all things, wind quartet), just to try and capture one ecstatic experience. +\end{ally} \noindent I like those. I like the result. -\ally{You like the first two, most of all. They remind you of how hollow you felt, how you could feel the wind blow through you, vibrating your soul like the pipe of an organ, exciting you to ever higher harmonics.} - +\begin{ally} +You like the first two, most of all. They remind you of how hollow you felt, how you could feel the wind blow through you, vibrating your soul like the pipe of an organ, exciting you to ever higher harmonics. +\end{ally} \noindent Yes. -\ally{But then you kept writing.} - +\begin{ally} +But then you kept writing. +\end{ally} \noindent Yeah. I make a terrible poet. -\ally{You make a terrible mystic. Your poetry's just okay.} +\begin{ally} +You make a terrible mystic. Your poetry's just okay. +\end{ally} \newpage \noindent How can I capture that essence of stillness? How can I become nothing? -\ally{Not reaching. Not trying.} - +\begin{ally} +Not reaching. Not trying. +\end{ally} \noindent How can I read the ecstasy of signs? How can I feel those black birds bursting free of my hunched shoulders? -\ally{Step beside yourself. Take your own hand.} - +\begin{ally} +Step beside yourself. Take your own hand. +\end{ally} \noindent How can I feel the cord that ties me to the center of the earth? How can I see where it leads? How can I walk the spiral? -\ally{Reach down, bury your fingers in rich earth, take root.} - +\begin{ally} +Reach down, bury your fingers in rich earth, take root. +\end{ally} \noindent The cant of ritual. -\ally{The scent of incense.} - +\begin{ally} +The scent of incense. +\end{ally} \noindent The rhythm of chant. -\ally{The ripple of water.} - +\begin{ally} +The ripple of water. +\end{ally} \noindent Call and response. -\ally{The flicker of a candle.} - -\noindent Voices echoing voices echoing voices echoing... - -\ally{Clay between fingertips.} +\begin{ally} +The flicker of a candle. +\end{ally} +\noindent Voices echoing voices echoing voices echoing\ldots{} +\begin{ally} +Clay between fingertips. +\end{ally} \noindent And then? \newpage \end{leftcolumn} @@ -91,26 +106,38 @@ Afterwards, I figured out how to regain control (mostly) and just in time for th \begin{quotation} \noindent I'd like to chant, perhaps Emmeleia. -\ally{Or.. you could come up with something on your own. You know, do something productive with Nanon.} - +\begin{ally} +Or.. you could come up with something on your own. You know, do something productive with Nanon. +\end{ally} \noindent There's a thought. I still need to do those spells for Androo. -\ally{Exactly. Productive} - +\begin{ally} +Exactly. Productive +\end{ally} \noindent I've noticed that, while my emotional colors are fading, you're becoming more prominent. Who are you? -\ally{I'm a meme; I'm the idea of Lady Sage and Master Yage,} -\ally{or maybe Eris and God. Are they the same?} -\ally{I'm me.} -\ally{I'm you. Are they the same?} -\ally{I'm the fifth line of five.} - +\begin{ally} +I'm a meme; I'm the idea of Lady Sage and Master Yage, +\end{ally} +\begin{ally} +or maybe Eris and God. Are they the same? +\end{ally} +\begin{ally} +I'm me. +\end{ally} +\begin{ally} +I'm you. Are they the same? +\end{ally} +\begin{ally} +I'm the fifth line of five. +\end{ally} \noindent You're an elusive bugger, that's what you are. -\ally{Damn straight.} - +\begin{ally} +Damn straight. +\end{ally} \noindent You're depressing, too. \vspace{2\onelineskip} @@ -130,68 +157,83 @@ Who are you? Upon reading certain things, upon hearing certain songs, upon seeing certain people, upon smelling certain scents, upon tasting certain foods, upon feeling certain feelings and upon losing myself, it flows, the light, in through the head, out through the heart, washes over all, and, being lost in it, have found myself without. -\ally{How poetic.} - +\begin{ally} +How poetic. +\end{ally} \noindent These are the white things. Cold, bright, burning, white. Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani. But the light isn't as it used to be. It was a thing to light up a day, a thing to light up me, filling completely. Now a simple thread flows from head to heart, and the light doesn't stray from the path of least resistance. -\ally{Love follows not the law of Ohm.} - +\begin{ally} +Love follows not the law of Ohm. +\end{ally} \noindent Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani. Light can be many things, but here, now, it means love - all four loves - and it's a strange feeling to have been so full of it for so long, then to suddenly be nearly without. -\ally{Full of what? Full of shit? How pathetic, how trite.} - +\begin{ally} +Full of what? Full of shit? How pathetic, how trite. +\end{ally} \noindent Having deified love for several years, it's a shock to my faith to have it disappear, even if it only turns out to be temporary. -\ally{Faith? You're faithful? How have you EVER been faithful to love?} - +\begin{ally} +Faith? You're faithful? How have you EVER been faithful to love? +\end{ally} \noindent Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani! \end{quotation} \newpage -\ally{What is your point?} - +\begin{ally} +What is your point? +\end{ally} \noindent You know. -\ally{Yes, but it is important that you make it.} - +\begin{ally} +Yes, but it is important that you make it. +\end{ally} \emph{It's the immediacy, the seamless immediacy\ldots{}} \noindent It's about meaning and self. It's about defining where your boundaries are; your physical boundaries, your mental boundaries, your spiritual and emotional boundaries. It's about that ground-state training that you undergo so that you might step just a bit to the side. An inch. A mile. An age. It's about breathing in for the count of four, holding for the count of two, breathing out for the count of four, holding for the count of two. It's about feeling where your feet touch the ground. It's about drawing a straight line from your center of gravity to the center of the world. It's about becoming totally present. -\ally{So that you can disappear entirely.} +\begin{ally} +So that you can disappear entirely. +\end{ally} \newpage -\ally{Why this? Why now?} % Why after your dad? +\begin{ally} +Why this? Why now? +\end{ally} % Why after your dad? \noindent Why talk about ecstasy? -\ally{Yes.} - +\begin{ally} +Yes. +\end{ally} \noindent Dissociation. -\ally{Well, that was quick. I was expecting more roundabout. We would banter. You would get flustered. I would get smug.} - +\begin{ally} +Well, that was quick. I was expecting more roundabout. We would banter. You would get flustered. I would get smug. +\end{ally} \noindent Derealization, depersonalization, dissociation. Pure and simple. -\ally{Well huh.} - +\begin{ally} +Well huh. +\end{ally} \noindent Would I lie to you? -\ally{Oh, totally.} - +\begin{ally} +Oh, totally. +\end{ally} \noindent Fair. \newpage -\ally{You're not very focused.} - +\begin{ally} +You're not very focused. +\end{ally} \vfill \noindent I know. @@ -382,21 +424,27 @@ the face of god \begin{leftcolumn} \null \vfill -\ally{Ask.} +\begin{ally} +Ask. +\end{ally} \vfill \newpage \noindent How does one approach what one can't describe? -\ally{Swing the flashlight rapidly across the room. Piece together what you can from the sweep of the beam across the walls, the furniture.} - +\begin{ally} +Swing the flashlight rapidly across the room. Piece together what you can from the sweep of the beam across the walls, the furniture. +\end{ally} \noindent How does one hunt down what leaves no tracks? -\ally{Unwind the maze by keeping your right hand on the wall. Pray that the walls do not move.} - +\begin{ally} +Unwind the maze by keeping your right hand on the wall. Pray that the walls do not move. +\end{ally} \noindent How does one call down the gods to commune? -\ally{Speak thrice, and enter.} +\begin{ally} +Speak thrice, and enter. +\end{ally} \newpage \null @@ -472,14 +520,18 @@ I had forgotten about the birds until recently, but every time I feel that ecsta \noindent I'm tired. I'm so tired. I'm tired and I'm upset and I'm lost. -\ally{I know.} - +\begin{ally} +I know. +\end{ally} \noindent I want to shout and to whisper. I want to talk about how the light flows in through the head and out through the heart. I want to put words to the feeling of falling to the ground and taking root. I want to say how it feels when I step outside myself. -\ally{You tried.} - +\begin{ally} +You tried. +\end{ally} \noindent I guess that's all I can do. -\ally{It's not, but it's important that you have tried.} +\begin{ally} +It's not, but it's important that you have tried. +\end{ally} diff --git a/book/content/poly.tex b/book/content/poly.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..10da547 --- /dev/null +++ b/book/content/poly.tex @@ -0,0 +1,332 @@ +My parents put me through three divorces. My mother and father divorced when I was very young. Young to the point where I don't remember them being married. I remember finding a picture of them walking with their arms around each other's backs. Dad was shirtless and chestnut brown, hair a near-black 'fro. Mom was in a white blouse, blonde hair in a perm. It seemed so alien to me. + +Mom and Jay got divorced when I was in my freshman year of high school. I remember being taken to a family therapy session for Jay's lingering divorce with his previous wife, but no such luck with his divorce with my mom. I just remember things getting bad after I came out, and then my mom coming downstairs to wake me one morning and inform me that we were moving out. Today. Now. + +\end{leftcolumn} +\begin{rightcolumn*} + \input{content/jay.tex} +\end{rightcolumn*} +\begin{leftcolumn} + +I don't remember ever seeing Jay again after that, though I surely must have. + +\begin{ally} +But you heard about him. +\end{ally} +Mom said he called Erin, my ex-step-sister a ``witch''. I don't think that's the word he used. A decade and a half later, she'd suggest that I go visit him. + +I turned her down. + +\begin{ally} +A sub-story. Do I sense conflict? +\end{ally} +Of course. + +\begin{ally} +You may be made of star-stuff, but conflict seems to be what holds you together. +\end{ally} +Stop trying to get me to talk about mania. + +At first, I was proud of my relationships. Then I was embarrassed. There were so many, all in a line. One would trickle into existence with, as I put it, \texttt{light,\ in\ through\ the\ head,\ out\ through\ the\ heart}. We'd be perfect, until we weren't. Everything would be delightful, until it wasn't. It's the way of early relationships, I suppose. You fall for someone, and you can't quite pick apart the difference between love and lust. + +I just went through so many that I started feeling a bit weird about it. How do I talk about the Danny-Marek-Merlin-Andrew-Michael-Andy-Rikky-Kayla-Tyson-Andrew(again) progression? And how do I talk about Lon? Or what JD and I were at the beginning? + +\begin{ally} +Doubtless with the same lilac-scented words you talk about everything. +\end{ally} +I guess. + +Early on, I promised myself that I would do anything to not become my dad, in so many ways. One of those was to not run my relationships like him. Some bits were easy, of course. I could start by being queer. That's glib, of course, but at the time I started dating, being queer required more discretion, more discussion than I saw in my dad's relationships. + +Some bits weren't so easy, though. The overlap between the discussion that's involved the mechanics of simply having a queer relationship and the discussion that's involved in having a healthy relationship, queer or not, is not non-existent, but neither is it large. + +\begin{ally} +Are you going to provide us with a Venn Diagram? In hand-coded SVG, perhaps? +\end{ally} +% \href{/healthy-sound.svg}{\includegraphics{/healthy-sound.svg}} + +Happy? + +\begin{ally} +Very. I just wanted to ensure that you were at your very Maddy-est about this. +\end{ally} +When my dad divorced Julie, he told her he hadn't loved her in ten years. He told her he married her because she was easy to deal with. Quiet. Compliant. Not as smart as him. He could be right around her, which wasn't always guaranteed with mom. + +Julie's friends gave her a rubber rat afterward. They had scribbled his name on it. The rat was sitting on a plaque that said \texttt{Rat\ Bastard}. The last time I saw her, she was very drunk, sagged against my side, sobbing and beating that rat against the nightstand. + +\begin{ally} +And you didn't want to be like him when you grew up? Color me surprised. +\end{ally} +You \emph{would} say that. + +He had started dating well before divorcing her. I don't know if he and Maurine are married now. When I told mom, she shrugged and said that he had started dating Julie before their own divorce. + +\begin{ally} +You dovetailed relationships. You were dating Andrew well before you and Tyson fell away from each other. +\end{ally} +Hey, I said some bits weren't as easy. He left me with a lot of him in me. + +\begin{ally} +Like the anger. He gave you that. The anger and the pride. +\end{ally} +I pay for his past as well as mine. + +So, when Michael mentioned that he wanted to go on a date with someone else while we were together, well, it touched a nerve. +\newpage + +\begin{ally} +I suppose you also searched your archives for poly. +\end{ally} +You know me so well. + +\begin{ally} +Of course. +\end{ally} +The first mention on LiveJournal was April 6th, 2004. + +\begin{quotation} +Of the interesting topics that popped up, that of polygamy stuck with me the most. Michael has a date with another on Thursday and, while this brought up issues with Merlin and Atrius, all I can say right now to Michael is that I wish him the best of luck. It just feels like it would actually /work/ in his case. As to how it pertains to me, I'm not sure if my mind could handle having two mates. Granted I still have a thing for Kory (hah, good luck with that) and a few others, I just don't think I could find another who a) would be willing to have that sort of relationship with me and b) I could have that sort of relationship with. Ah well. Something to think about. +\end{quotation} + +\begin{ally} +Never one to have a high opinion of yourself. +\end{ally} +That's hindsight talking. + +\begin{ally} +You literally just got out of a therapy session where you talked about how you don't believe you deserve a better job. +\end{ally} +TouchĂ©. + +Michael and I's relationship was rocky, tumultuous. We met through a queer group and from there wound up in a weird, heated romance that danced around sex, gender, mental health, everything. We fought, we made up. We got annoying. We made out a lot, we had sex, though with each of our individual hangups around sex, it was rarely penetrative. + +\begin{ally} +It was penetrative once. +\end{ally} +That's rare, isn't it? + +\begin{ally} +Vanishingly. +\end{ally} +Listen, we were both trans. The subject was complex. + +\begin{ally} +You were a cis gay guy. You told me that. You were unsure of vaginas. +\end{ally} +It started that way, I suppose. I learned. + +\begin{ally} +Then you bought one for yourself. +\end{ally} +Listen. + +\begin{ally} +Yes? +\end{ally} +There were bits of sexuality that didn't work for me when I was bepenised. A lot of those make sense in a transgender context. Matthew was still a gay guy, but the Ship-of-Theseusizing was already beginning. + +\begin{ally} +`Bepenised'? `Ship-of-Theseusizing'? +\end{ally} +You verbed it first. + +\begin{ally} +We've gotten off track. +\end{ally} +Right. + +In two previous relationships, poly had come up, and neither time, it had worked. With Merlin and Atrius, I had immediately jumped to jealousy. I felt as though I was being set aside. + +\begin{ally} +Never one to have a high opinion of yourself. +\end{ally} +It didn't last. That was part of the breaking point. Similarly with Andrew and Ryn. I've heard it said that jealousy is a sign that one's needs are not being met. + +\begin{ally} +What did you need that you weren't getting? +\end{ally} +I thought it was someone to myself. + +\begin{ally} +You couldn't own yourself, maybe you could own someone else. +\end{ally} +That hurts to hear. + +\begin{ally} +Is it wrong? +\end{ally} +I don't know. Maybe it isn't. Maybe I wanted to keep someone. To possess them. Maybe it was a reaction to being owned. + +\begin{ally} +Let's talk about kink. +\end{ally} +Let's fucking not. +\newpage + +I won't repost them, because they're direct logs, shortly after the conversation mentioned before, the issue of Michael bringing another partner to the queer group we were a part of came up. How would we work a situation where I, coming from a monogamous point of view, would be in the same room with my partner and metamour? Would we split our time? Would one of us get ignored while the other got attention? Would we both get attention? Would we just plain avoid it? + +\begin{ally} +It's surreal, even for me, to hear you talk about this today, given your current situation. +\end{ally} +Suppose that the young man, Matthew, is in a monogamous relationship with someone. As the years go by the relationship begins to change, fades, and is replaced by a new one, more open than the last. After a decade or so, all of the parts have been replaced and Matthew, now Madison, is in a polycule the size of Rhode Island. Is Madison still the same person as Matthew? + +\begin{ally} +That's a bit heavy-handed. +\end{ally} +You can't start the metaphor train a-rollin' and then expect it to stop on a dime. + +\begin{ally} +I'll own that. +\end{ally} +I met JD in 2005, and met Robin in 2012. By 2013, I was in a relationship with both, and we were sharing dinner, along with Robin's partner, at a convention. It was natural. Comfortable. It was fun. + +And now, I'm in relationships of various sorts with a half dozen people. The changes between then were so incremental, and discussed so thoroughly, that it really does feel Ship of Theseish. + +\begin{ally} +Stop. +\end{ally} +Never. + +The other consequence of that is that, along the way, I sufficiently distanced myself from the mechanics of my parents' relationships that I finally felt comfortable in calling that dream fulfilled. The turning point was my mom, during one of her visits back to Colorado, mentioned my relationship with Robin as something she could never do. + +\begin{ally} +Are you sure it wasn't writing a Python/Javascript/SVG web app to map polycules using force-directed layouts? +\end{ally} +Okay, maybe it was before then. + +\begin{ally} +And score a point to the ally. +\end{ally} +I didn't feel better than my mom when she said that, of course. Her relationships matured well over time, I think. She and Bob got better at communicating and expressing their needs. And even if they hadn't, the love she had for all of her partners was no less valid for being monogamous. + +\begin{ally} +Could you say the same of your dad, had he said that to you? +\end{ally} +I don't know. + +\begin{ally} +Probably not. +\end{ally} +Yeah, probably not. +\newpage + +Relationship anarchy, as a topic, seems to draw heavily from both poly folks and queer folks. In fact, the three ideas are so heavily intertwined that it's difficult to have one without the others. Poly? Well, there's a good chance that there are some queer aspects to your relationship. + +And if you're queer and at least of a certain age, relationship anarchy is baked into your soul. If your society sets up a ``natural'' relationship progression and then bars an entire class from entry to that progression, subversive and transgressive relationship structures form as a matter of course. + +\begin{ally} +Queer people, queer relationships. +\end{ally} +Yes. June, 2004: + +\begin{quotation} +Queer hair, queer mouth, queer brain, queer sleeves, queer shoes, queer toes, queer nails, queer fingers, queer palms, hairy palms, queer wrists, limp wrists, queer arms, queer shoulders, arms around shoulders, queer neck, sensitive neck, queer hair, curly, queer ears, sensitive ears, eargasmic, queer cheek, blushing cheek, queer nose, got it from my dad, queer eyes, queer colors, got them from my grandpa, queer eyebrows, but not as queer as some, queer face, too long, queer chest, too skinny, queer belly, padded, queer crotch, go figure, queer thighs, better believe it, queer knees, queer calfs, queer ankles, queer legs, flexible, queer feet, still smell, queer guy, no surprise. +\end{quotation} + +When you're queer, \emph{being queer} is baked into just about everything about you, but most especially in your relationships. ``Minority identity acts as a force multiplier on social dynamics,'' as Orrery put it. + +\begin{ally} +And so? +\end{ally} +And so, being hopelessly queer, I wind up in relationships that are hopelessly queer. + +\begin{ally} +Except when you don't. +\end{ally} +Yes. And when I don't, there's such a fundamental mismatch of understanding that I feel uncomfortable in my own skin. + +Something that queer relationships miss, or at least reconfigure to their own ends, is the relationship escalator, that heteronormative idea that one gets on at the ground floor of friendship and gets off at the top with marriage, or one can stop off at any of the other floors to stop for a while, or to step off entirely when the relationship ends. + +It's not a bad idea, either. It's not as old as some would have you think, but in today's society, it works quite well. + +\begin{ally} +Does the divorce rate agree with you there? +\end{ally} +Is that just another step on the escalator? + +\begin{ally} +TouchĂ©. +\end{ally} +In nonheteronormaitve relationships, the idea is muddied. The friends-dating-marriage-children set of steps, originally shattered whe marriage was made illegal and adoption banned for large swaths of queer folks, just doesn't fit. The barrier between friends and dating, as well as between dating and permanent relationship, is thin, osmotic. + +\begin{ally} +Suddenly, you're in a relationship. Suddenly, you're saying ``I love you.'' +\end{ally} +Yes. Suddenly, organically, though not for lack of deliberation. There's much talking, if everything goes right, much working out of boundaries. It's just that there are fewer milestones. + +\begin{ally} +Why do you bring this up? You're not writing an article. Out with it. +\end{ally} +Right. +\newpage + +If poly is queer, in that it's not relationship-normative, then I'm queer. If being trans is queer because it's not gender-normative, then I'm queer. If my identity blurs lines, then I'm queer. + +If I'm in a relationship with someone, then, is that a queer relationship? Is my partner queer? + +\begin{ally} +What would they say? +\end{ally} +I don't know. I haven't gotten to the point of talking to myself about this yet, much less talking with them. That's what this process is, isn't it? + +\begin{ally} +So what would you say, then? +\end{ally} +My gut instinct says that, since I'm trans, I've transgressed the lines of gender-normative relationships; since I'm poly, I've transgressed the lines of relationship-normative relationships. That, since I am queer, the relationship must be as well. + +\begin{ally} +But? +\end{ally} +But it doesn't really feel like it. I feel like a girlfriend. Barac feels like a boyfriend. I feel like I've stepped onto an escalator, here. + +\begin{ally} +There is an error in your gut instinct: it does not take into account that, in a relationship between two people, there are more than just two actors. There is you, there is your past, there is Barac and his, and there is society, influencing all four of you. That you are queer and that Barac does not consider himself to be is beside the point. Society, Barac, and Barac's past all think of this as a straight relationship --- or a take on one, at least --- and that's overwhelming your gut instinct, which only has access to you, and limited access to your past. +\end{ally} +Is that why I feel contention, then? Is that why there are an odd number of actors in this situation? + +\begin{ally} +Perhaps. Perhaps you are feeling contention because you are having to work, for once, rather than slot smoothly into a relationship. +\end{ally} +My other relationships have taken work, though. + +\begin{ally} +Your other partners have spoken the same language as you. It was easier to coordinate that work. You and Barac are having to learn each other's language as you go along. +\end{ally} +Robin and I had to learn the language of poly when we were starting out together. Judith and I and Colton and I both had our own things to learn as our relationships grew. + +\begin{ally} +Yes, but you all spoke queer. None of you really spoke normative, a skill you're having to learn late in life. +\end{ally} +\newpage + +I've been married for seven years. Robin and I have been together for more than five. My polycule has grown steadily over the years, and I have to wonder: how much of my polyamory, my relationship anarchy is a coping mechanism for how I was raised? + +\begin{ally} +Does it matter? +\end{ally} +Yes, I think it does. \emph{Early on, I promised myself that I would do anything to not become my dad,} I said. I wanted to stay away from serial monogamy. I wanted to talk more and perform less within my relationships. I wanted to be an improvement upon what I saw growing up. + +If I'm poly because I'm coping for my past once again, have I really grown? Or have I fallen into the trap just on the other side of the path? + +If I'm coping for my childhood, what would I leave my children coping with? + +\begin{ally} +Again, does it matter? You must walk a fine line between the selfish and selfless when working with reality. In order to be happy, you need to not repeat the past, as you've said --- a selfish act. But worrying about counterfactuals with non-existent entities, being \textbf{too} selfless in this, will only set you back in your own growth. +\end{ally} +Perhaps I'm worried that if poly and such are just coping mechanisms, my relationships might be somehow less real, less earnest than if they weren't. Perhaps I'm worried that I'm doing a disservice to my partners by using them to overcome my own failings. + +\begin{ally} +This is impostor syndrome, not using people. No relationship is perfect, all that matters is that you're approaching these honestly, earnestly, and with your whole heart. Even then, there will be friction occasionally. Your parents gave you stuff to cope with, and you would give your children stuff to cope with too. +\end{ally} +Guess it's a good thing I don't have kids. + +\begin{ally} +Let's talk about kink. +\end{ally} +Oh my \emph{god}. + +\begin{ally} +Alas, had I a face, I would be able to smirk. Imagine that for me, will you? +\end{ally} +You know what? Now's as good a time as any. +\newpage diff --git a/book/content/self-harm/self-harm.tex b/book/content/self-harm/self-harm.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..32beaf7 --- /dev/null +++ b/book/content/self-harm/self-harm.tex @@ -0,0 +1,162 @@ +Self harm is a recurring theme within my life. + +It takes so many forms, too. The cutting and burning, sure, but also the self-sabotage. Dropping my testosterone to zero. If approaching this in a sexual fashion was wrong, then remove the sexuality. + +\begin{ally} +An obvious solution. +\end{ally} +I punished myself for what I did. If was fetishizing, if I was causing harm, then I deserved to suffer for it. I removed my sexuality from the picture. Cyproterone acetate twice a day and medroxyprogesterone every two weeks does a really good job of that. + +I tell myself now that if I belive something to be true when I'm depressed as well as when I'm hypomanic, it's more likely to be right. + +\begin{ally} +One of us only tells the truth, and one of us only lies. +\end{ally} +Perhaps if I still felt like I existed a few millimeters to the left of my body when sex wasn't a part of the equation, I was more likely to be right in pursuing the path of gender exploration. + +I talked with JD about this, he helped me out, but I told basically no one else. I tanked my T and attempted to learn from my punishment. + +\begin{ally} +Now now, what did we say about secrets? +\end{ally} +And then I let it slip on FurryMUCK, yes. + +\begin{ally} +You spilled the beans. +\end{ally} +Yes. Then I admitted it. I talked about it. + +\begin{ally} +You spoiled the surprise. +\end{ally} +Everyone was so confused. + +\begin{ally} +Lapsus linguae. +\end{ally} +I was so ashamed. + +\begin{ally} +You spoke too soon. +\end{ally} +Even my punishment was wrong. + +\begin{ally} +It was the last thing Margaras heard from you. +\end{ally} +Never mind stopping myself from creating Younes, nevermind stopping myself from chemical castration; if I could go back in time, I would stop myself from saying anything for just a few more days. + +\begin{ally} +He died knowing that about you. +\end{ally} +If Margaras had to die, I would that he not die with that being the last he heard from me. + +\begin{ally} +You cannot take that back. +\end{ally} +If Younes, chemcast, and Margs' death are immutable, if losing my friends was inevitable, at least let me delay the hour of my mistake. + +\begin{ally} +You cannot. +\end{ally} +Please. + +\begin{ally} +You cannot. +\end{ally} +Oh god. + +\begin{ally} +It was the last thing he heard from you. +\end{ally} +Merciful god, please take me away. + +\begin{ally} +You never spoke to him again. +\end{ally} +I will close my eyes and my heart and become a stone. +\newpage + +\noindent There is too much fire in me + +to be described by the soldering iron's tip. + +\begin{ally} +I must not fear. +\end{ally} +Were I to draw it across my skin, + +it would all spill out at once. + +\begin{ally} +Fear is the mind-killer. +\end{ally} +I'd melt, eaten whole by flames, + +and flow into a pool of molten glass. + +\begin{ally} +Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. +\end{ally} +Sublimation would claim me, + +atoms would scatter, diffuse. + +\begin{ally} +I will face my fear. +\end{ally} +I would be borne up through the clouds, + +and grow lighter by the second. + +\begin{ally} +I will permit it to pass over me and through me. +\end{ally} +All that energy poured to the air around me, + +an imperceptible increase in temperature. + +\begin{ally} +And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. +\end{ally} +Particle would excite particle + +until I'm felt only as warmth on your face. + +\begin{ally} +Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. +\end{ally} +But even that would not be enough. + +\begin{ally} +Only I will remain. +\end{ally} +\newpage + +TIASAP stands for \emph{The Ill-Advised Self-Administration Period}. + +This is why. + +I was unsafe about it. + +I lost my sexuality for years. + +I turned the need for change into punishment. + +The color drained from my universe. The flavor was gone from food. I could not smell. + +\begin{ally} +And when you added in a bit of estrogen, you wept at the return of sensation. +\end{ally} +I tell myself now that if I belive something to be true when I'm depressed as well as when I'm hypomanic, it's more likely to be right. + +And, well. + +Now I knew it was right. + +But I was unsafe, I was punishing myself, and I did it all on purpose. + +\begin{ally} +Why ruin your life on accident when you can do it on purpose? +\end{ally} +\newpage diff --git a/book/content/self-harm/suicide.tex b/book/content/self-harm/suicide.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..12c5edc --- /dev/null +++ b/book/content/self-harm/suicide.tex @@ -0,0 +1,425 @@ +On March 21st, 2012, I tried to kill myself. + +It's amazing how such a simple statement of fact reflects, months of strange tension, slow recovery, and a whole lot of trying to understand what really happened. It's not a comfortable thing for anyone to discuss, but it's one of those things I need to discuss, need to get off my chest. A little too much of what makes life meaningful for me now is wrapped up in that one night. + +\begin{ally} +Even now? +\end{ally} +Even now. + +\begin{ally} +You wrote that disclaimer four months after the attempt itself. You copied it from some notes from back then. You even kept the Steve Eisman quote. +\end{ally} +Yes. Nostalgia, remember? + +\begin{ally} +Are you nostalgic for those weighty months after you tried to kill yourself? +\end{ally} +If Matthew died on September of that year, then he was sick long before. This was part of his long, slow death rattle. + +Perhaps it's not totally accurate to say that I'm nostalgic for that time in particular, but I suppose I am nostalgic for the sense of change that permeated the air around me then. Something big was happening. Something terrible and wonderful. + +\begin{ally} +And you got to witness it from the inside. +\end{ally} +Yes. I got to watch the agonal breathing that went on for far too long. I got to see his eyes widen in terror. I got up to fetch the cold compress and came back to a quiet room. + +I'm not nostalgic for that pain, no. I'm nostalgic for the fact that I am who I am because I went through that. I'm nostalgic for what it came to symbolize. I'm nostalgic for its part in Madison's birth. +\newpage + +It's not really so much that I have the need to write about what happened, even, as that, after something of such import, I feel the need to expose myself through writing, to force ideas out into the open whether or not they actually have anything to do with what's going on. + +\begin{ally} +It goes beyond a desire. It becomes a necessity. +\end{ally} +Creativity, it seems, is one of those things where, the more you put it to use, the more you \emph{must} use it. + +\begin{ally} +After a certain point, it forces itself upon you. Hits you like a ton of bricks. +\end{ally} +Yes. + +I toyed with how to write about something like this for a few months after it happened before hammering out a five thousand word essay. + +\begin{ally} +You planned on an additional ten thousand. +\end{ally} +In this case, after all, I felt the need to actually write about what really happened. I tried the whole ``write about something else'' thing and it didn't work; it didn't relieve that pressure within myself that needed to be released. + +\begin{ally} +You tried venting little bits of it here and there on twitter, on Facebook. +\end{ally} +It didn't work. It kept the pressure from becoming unbearable, perhaps, but only for a few days. After that, the weight of it --- of how easy it was, of how quickly I snapped to, of how badly I could have fucked up --- became too intense to ignore once again. + +So. + +I tried to kill myself on March 21st, 2012. It was, as the epigram said, not a big deal; it was just my big deal. +\newpage + +I'll be honest, I stole the concept of \emph{thisness}, the phrase, ``See, it is doing \emph{this} now'' from a science fiction book. + +\begin{ally} +I honestly expected nothing less. +\end{ally} +I suspect that Neal Stephenson got it from elsewhere, too. I think he basically admits as much, in that he was talking about Husserl at the time. Still, it's proven handy. + +The biggest thing I've taken away from therapy has been an increased sense of self awareness. The ability to say ``ah, I am doing \emph{this} now.'' It is the \emph{thisness} of myself. The \emph{thisness} of my mind. I am able to see myself dipping down into the well of depression. I'm able to see the hypomania that starts to creep into my mind, into my life, and forces me to bury myself in projects. + +\begin{ally} +Like this one. +\end{ally} +Yes. That's why I'm moving so much more slowly with it now. I have slid off the pedestal and into the slow morass of depression. I can feel it coloring my life with anhedonia. + +\begin{ally} +Not coloring, no. Sapping the color. Not even black-and-white, but an absence. A missingness. +\end{ally} +Yes. + +\begin{ally} +But you didn't have this back then. You didn't have the thisness of mental health maturity. You weren't able to see what was going on. +\end{ally} +Yes. I was having panic attacks from day to day. I was caught up in those rising swells of anxiety that would lead to me freezing. Occaisonally, I would have to stop in a rest area on my way home just to calm down enough to continue driving. + +\begin{ally} +That's when you started your habit of asking others to tell you good things. +\end{ally} +``Tell me good things,'' I'd say, and I'd get a slew of responses. Many were along the lines of ``You! You're good!'' + +\begin{ally} +But you weren't able to internalize that. +\end{ally} +Not then, no. Not back then, and especially not during panic attacks. + +Some of them would be ``A good thing is that I had a good day at work.'' That was what I needed to hear. I needed to hear that others were having a good day. I needed to hear that others were \emph{capable} of having good days. I needed to hear that good days were possible, and that I might be in line for one, myself. + +My boss picked up on that, as well as so many other things. ``You're so angry,'' he said. ``You're scaring the project manager at times.'' So he sent me to a psychiatrist. + +\begin{ally} +He handed you a check for a thousand dollars and said, ``I know it's expensive, so hopefully this helps you out.'' You never cashed it. +\end{ally} +He sent me to his doctor, doctor Johnston. And he was a pretty good at what he did. + +\begin{ally} +You fired him when, after you asked him for a letter of support for hormones, he said, ``I don't know enough about that, and you don't even want to know my feelings about it.'' +\end{ally} +Well, yes, but there's no denying the utility of what he gave me. + +\begin{ally} +He gave you exactly what you brought to the table, except with context. +\end{ally} +Yes. I brought my anxiety to the table, and he taught me about it. He spoke my words back to me and added footnotes. He wrote in the margins of my speech and I learned. I learned coping mechanisms and breathing techniques. I got my prescriptions. + +\begin{ally} +You brought your anxiety, but not your depression. You thought you just had anxiety, not any mood disorders. Boys didn't have moods, right? You were just anxious. Despite years of experience, you didn't tell him about how you felt. +\end{ally} +No, and there's the problem. +\newpage + +When I first started therapy, I did what I thought was the right thing by bringing an open mind. It wasn't enough for me to seek help, I had to be told what was wrong with me. So anxious was I to not diagnose myself, I had to let someone do the work to pry the symptoms from me. + +I didn't tell Dr Johnston that I was feeling bad. I told him my boss told me I was angry. I didn't tell him that I was depressed, I told him that James was worried about how anxious I was. + +\begin{ally} +And so you got treated for anxiety. +\end{ally} +And so I got treated for anxiety. I was given clonazepam to take daily and lorazepam for breakthrough anxiety. + +\begin{ally} +You have always had issues with control. You always needed to be on top of a situation. +\end{ally} +And all my deepest fears, all of those things I would ruminate on during a panic attack, would surround the fact that I wasn't in control of a situation, yes. It made sense to treat the anxiety. + +\begin{ally} +It hurt. +\end{ally} +Yes. I was given a long-acting anxiolytic and a more powerful, shorter-lasting one for breakthrough anxiety. When things hurt, they calmed and soothed the pain. They removed it. + +\begin{ally} +They removed a lot more than just the pain of panic. +\end{ally} +Yes. +\newpage + +The problem of working with clients on a task with a specified end-goal, one that is finished and about which you can say, ``ah, it does \emph{this} now'', is that when the project is done, there is nothing left. + +\begin{ally} +This is a problem with any task. This is a grander problem. +\end{ally} +Yes, even with self-appointed tasks, even with tasks at a non job-shop. It happened just recently, too. I finished my time at IA. I got home from visiting Barac. I got the contract signed at NV. + +If you hit a deadline and succeed, or if you have some work travel, or if you get home from a vacation, suddenly there's this empty bit of your future where there used to be this thing. There's just a void there. A sudden lack of weight. + +\begin{ally} +And so, back then, you finished the release at work and also finished the office move in one fell swoop, and went home. +\end{ally} +I went home and took my meds like a good girl, and then proceeded to dissociate right through the evening. + +Dissociation is a hell of a drug. + +\begin{ally} +It's a dreamy thing. It's a soft thing. It's a cottony thing. It's a muffled thing. It's watching your hands move. It's watching yourself breathe. It's feeling the air move in and out of you with a distant, slightly confused detachment. It's ``ah, it does \textbf{this} now'', except saying that about some strange machine which is not yourself. +\end{ally} +I watched myself sit down in my chair. I watched myself turn on \emph{Babylon 5}. I watched myself mow through two glasses of gin. + +\begin{ally} +You watched yourself with a metaphysical quirk of the eyebrow as you reached forward, grabbed the box of X-acto wood-carving tools --- purchased, doubtless, for some long forgotten project --- and flipped it open. You watched numbly as you slashed open the inside of your arm. There was a moment where you marveled at how long it took for the blood to well up, where you could see the white of subcutaneous fat. +\end{ally} +And then the pain snapped me to. +\newpage + +Okay, I lied. Just a little bit. + +\begin{ally} +Yes. You didn't dissociate through the entire thing. There was no small part of that scene that was horribly, terrfyingly intentional. +\end{ally} +What really woke me up was watching this person-who-was-me somehow go into `fuck it' mode and tear the shit out of his right arm from one end to the other with a very sharp, very new razor blade. + +It was like the rush of coming to your senses after a nightmare, the pulling forward and the re-anchoring, the flood of adrenaline in preparation for flight. + +It wasn't necessarily the cut that woke me. It was the second or so before when I entered that `fuck it' mode, and I was too slow, too confused and frightened to stop this person-who-was-me from pulling the ultimate embarrassing act: trying to commit suicide while watching a dumb '90s science fiction show. + +\begin{ally} +It was a slow awakening. You weren't just too slow, you were not fully awake yet. The dream of dissociation was still clinging, gauzy, to you. +\end{ally} +V I do not know which to prefer, The beauty of inflections Or the beauty of innuendoes, The blackbird whistling Or just after. + +I can remember it so clearly. + +\begin{ally} +You can remember it because you still live it. +\end{ally} +Yes. I still feel that slide into someone-else-ness, and then the snap back when drawn back into self-ness. Back into here and now. + +\begin{ally} +You felt that last night. +\end{ally} +Yes. + +\begin{ally} +You felt that slide into dissociation, felt the folding blade click into place with a vague sense of surprise, then jolted as it drew across your leg. +\end{ally} +Yes. + +\begin{ally} +You felt that same jolt of humiliation and pain and anger and fear. +\end{ally} +Yes. + +\begin{ally} +Especially this time. You cut too deep. Your usual superficial-yet-still-painful scratch had turned into something of a flay. +\end{ally} +Yes. + +\begin{ally} +You needed twelve stitches. You lied and said you dropped your knife while cleaning it. +\end{ally} +Yes. + +\begin{ally} +Are you writing about this now because you were, on some subconscious level, working up to this most recent little climax? +\end{ally} +I really don't know. + +\begin{ally} +Tell me what happened after. +\end{ally} +I started whispering James' name-- + +\begin{ally} +Both times? +\end{ally} +Both times. I started whispering his name, then eventually swallowed the miniscule bit of pride I had left and called out loud enough to wake him up. ``Can you come help me?'' I asked. It took asking two more times before he got up. I found out later that he thought I had made a mess and just wanted help cleaning up, thinking that I should just clean up my own messes. A good point, that. + +Though the rest of the night in March is still sort of a blur --- I hadn't totally gotten out of the state that I was in, just woken up enough to engage with the mechanics --- I do remember James helping me to clean and bandage my arm as we sat on the floor of the bathroom, the dog occasionally wandering in and out. The whole time, I was still sobbing, blubbering out, ``I don't want to leave you, I don't want to leave Zephyr, I don't know why I did that, I'm sorry'' over and over again. +\newpage + +I'm so tired. + +\begin{ally} +I know. +\end{ally} +Can I let Matthew tell the story? Can I put his words here, and can I catch up on the sleep I missed while in the ER? Can I feel better before I write again? + +\begin{ally} +Yes, but don't make a habit of it. +\end{ally} +Okay. + +The last thing I did before going to bed that night was to send an email to work saying that I would be in later in the day due to an ``emergency appointment'' in the morning. I certainly couldn't tell them what had actually happened, but I had so thoroughly exhausted myself and still felt so bad that I decided sleeping in would help me out quite a bit. + +I wound up at the office around eleven in the morning, and sat down, feeling tired, worn thin, and still traumatized from the fact that I had apparently acted out something I had thought was just one of those persistent negative thoughts that won't go away, one with no grounding in reality. Within minutes, I received a message from my boss informing me that my attitude in the last few weeks was not acceptable. I had been irritable and angry, to the point where my supervisors felt as though they had to word things so that I wouldn't get upset. + +I was stuck in a weird situation, here. On the one hand, my boss was totally right and I really did need to take a look at how I was interacting with others at work, but on the other hand, I wasn't in a place to do anything about it at the time, and I certainly didn't feel as though I could talk to my boss about what had happened in order to save the conversation for another time. + +I did my best to accept it and trudge through the rest of the day. The plan that was in place before was to follow a friend up to Blackhawk for a free night at a casino hotel that he had available. It seemed like getting out of town might actually help, and it also meant that my workday was significantly shorter than it would've been otherwise. + +The drive after work was calming, and I actually got to the point where I felt as though the night out would be a good change of pace to keep me from going too crazy. + +And you know? The evening really did help. It was a lot of fun spending \$20 on roulette and walking away with \$60, it was fun eating a ridiculous amount of crab legs, and it was\ldots{}well, it was mortifying, watching some of saddest people I've ever seen in my life sit, lost, in front of their slot machines. + +We had planned on going hot-tubbing, but, as became clear when I took off my shirt back at the room and exposed the rather bulky bandage along the underside of my arm, that was pretty much out of the question, so we mostly just sat around talking, and, in my case, trying to feel better about the whole thing. + +I was fine until it was time for bed. As is usually the case, the stillness is when I get the worst, in terms of anxiety. That's when it's easiest for my mind to wander, fixate on a subject, and loop over it in all the worst ways for the longest time. The problems started when sleep didn't come. + +And didn't come. + +And still didn't come. + +After a time, I suppose I just lost it. I got up and started pacing the room, walking from the bathroom to the window and back again, clenching and unclenching my hands before I let loose a ``Jesus fucking Christ!'' + +I locked myself in the bathroom and broke down again. + +Both James and Karl checked in on me throughout the next few hours, but it was mostly spent huddled up on the cold tile of the floor feeling awful about both myself and what I'd done --- that it had any effect on those around me was just starting to hit home. I will not lie that, several times throughout the night, I wished that I had succeeded in order to not be going through what I was going through at the time. I simply couldn't stand what I'd done. +\newpage + +Things are totally out of control now. + +--- Maddy, whose tail is behind her (@drab\_makyo) March 23, 2012 + +On meds for anxiety now, but that seems to have just let loose something terrible. Tried to kill myself Wednesday night, spent all tonight-- + +--- Maddy, whose tail is behind her (@drab\_makyo) March 23, 2012 + +--obsessing about it, woke up Karl and James, then felt guilty and upset about it. + +--- Maddy, whose tail is behind her (@drab\_makyo) March 23, 2012 + +It's not even really about anything, I'm just messed up, I guess. + +--- Maddy, whose tail is behind her (@drab\_makyo) March 23, 2012 + +Days are spent in a surreality, both happy and unreasonably angry. + +--- Maddy, whose tail is behind her (@drab\_makyo) March 23, 2012 + +I'm sorry you'll all wake up to a bunch of Matt freaking out, but I'm stuck :S + +--- Maddy, whose tail is behind her (@drab\_makyo) March 23, 2012 + +\begin{ally} +Where's your tweet from this time? +\end{ally} +As someone who went to the ER last night and got 12 stitches only to find out that insurance ended on the 30th and I haven't received my COBRA paperwork yet so we'll see how fucked I am financially: mood. https://t.co/sil5Yf2617 + +--- Maddy, whose tail is behind her (@drab\_makyo) October 10, 2019 + +I'm okay. Just tired. + +--- Maddy, whose tail is behind her (@drab\_makyo) October 10, 2019 +\newpage + +\begin{ally} +You posted about those things publicly, but not privately, not one-on-one. +\end{ally} +I know. I've been called on it before. + +\begin{ally} +And since. Why? +\end{ally} +I suppose I need to be seen, but am not brave enough for it to be a conversation. I need to be seen but can't quite ask for help. I've promised everyone that I'm working on it, but the truth is, I don't know how I'd even begin to. + +\begin{ally} +Is that what you're doing now? +\end{ally} +Perhaps. +\newpage + +\begin{ally} +So, what happened after? +\end{ally} +There was an inpouring of confused and sympathetic replies. Some were simply along the lines of ``You are loved'' and ``There are friends all around the world thinking of you'', while others were more focused on ``But this is all so sudden'' and ``You didn't say anything was wrong.'' Someone mentioned a correlation between my medication and dissociation as mentioned. + +You have to understand that, at the time, I was embedded in a casino an hour and a half's drive from work. Casinos are horrifying places to be, even at the best of time. Desperation and sweat. Cigarette smoke and free drinks. The dead eyes of those who must pull the lever, who must pull the lever, who must pull the lever. + +So here I was, with an hour's sleep under my belt, seeing people still gambling, still hurting, answering texts and calls from my boss, and a wave of numb dissociation once more washes over me. + +I drove numbly down to work + +\begin{ally} +You sat in your car in front of the building, talking on the phone with Ash. You somehow made it to your desk, though there was no memory of moving from the car. +\end{ally} +``Come with me,'' Kevin said, and beckoned me out of the office. + +``Sorry about all of the freaking out,'' I mumbled, once we were out of earshot. ``I think it has to do with the medication, I'm going to call Dr.-'' + +\begin{ally} +The office next to +\end{ally} +``I need you to tell me what your plan is,'' my boss asked. + +``Plan?'' + +``Plan to kill yourself.'' + +``I\ldots{}don't have a plan, I don't know why,'' I managed. + +``Well, you need to tell me if anything like that happens again.'' +\newpage + +I can't do this. + +\begin{ally} +Of course you can. +\end{ally} +I can't. I can't talk about this. I thought I was done with it. I thought it would be easy enough to go back over this, but I can't. + +\begin{ally} +Tell me why not, then? +\end{ally} +I just\ldots{}I just remember how easy it was to fuck up so badly. I did that a few weeks ago, too. I fucked up real bad, and now I'm stuck with the consequences, all the mechanics of tending to a wound, and all I can think about is how easy it was. It was so easy. It was so easy. + +\begin{ally} +Perhaps that's part of what snaps you back into place. Perhaps that's part of what keeps you from following through. The mechanics of wound care. The laser focus on not doing it. Perhaps that's what saves you, in the end: the realization that you have a body leads to the realization that you're alive, confronting mortality leads to the acceptance of life. +\end{ally} +It's harder to \emph{not}. +\newpage + +I can't do this anymore. + +\begin{ally} +This topic, or this project? +\end{ally} +I don't know. +\newpage + +Let's talk about something else. Please. + +\begin{ally} +One more question, and then we can. +\end{ally} +Okay. + +\begin{ally} +How far have you come since then? +\end{ally} +I think a long ways. + +\begin{ally} +You think? +\end{ally} +Well, every time I think I've come a long ways, I do something horribly stupid again. Every time I think I'm over all this, I tear at myself. Every time I think I'm getting good at talking about my mental health, I wind up in this pit where I have to destroy myself, to make it physically evident that I'm unwell in some invisible way. I always have. I tried to blind myself when I was ten, remember? I tried to lose a finger, a leg. I cut. I burned. + +\begin{ally} +Is it about proving that you're unwell? +\end{ally} +How could I possibly prove that I'm too depressed to be around others? How could I possibly prove that I'm too anxious and sad and upset and numb to look at a chat lest the read-receipts show that I am okay enough to exist? How could I possibly prove such a thing when you look at me and see me hale and intact? + +\begin{ally} +You are talking about self harm. I asked about suicide. How far have you come since your first suicide attempt. +\end{ally} +I still think about it on the daily. I still obsess over it. Now I'm more likely to just go to bed, though. + +\begin{ally} +Is it so simple? +\end{ally} +No, of course not, but look, I'm thirty-three. I'm too old for it to be tragic, too young for it to be a midlife crisis, too healthy for it to be understandable, too sick for it to be a surprise. It would just be sad and weird, not to mention mean to those in my life. I've got that perspective now. I'm thirty-three, I've made it this far, I've worked this hard, and I can at least understand that. + +It's easier to just go to bed and wait it out, or maybe just get out the soldering iron for a bit, because yeah, it still blows, but at least now I know it'll pass, and five months down the line, I can do the same dance all over again. + +\begin{ally} +That seems rather fatalistic. +\end{ally} +I'm tired. I don't even know what to do about this anymore, other than wait it out. My doctor got mad at me for saying I've come to terms with feeling like shit for a few weeks every five months or so, that that's just my life forever now. + +I've just never seen any evidence to the contrary. +\newpage diff --git a/book/content/sex/kink.tex b/book/content/sex/kink.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6eb7c92 --- /dev/null +++ b/book/content/sex/kink.tex @@ -0,0 +1,104 @@ +What do you do when you've got a libido and relatively little will to act upon it? + +Delve into kink. + +\begin{ally} +Well, and fuck around on Taps a lot. +\end{ally} +The two go hand in hand. When sex makes you intensely anxious, it turns out that getting tied up and blindfolded just sort of multiplies that anxiety. + +\begin{ally} +So you removed yourself from the equation. +\end{ally} +Close enough, yes. I let my characters bear the weight of kink and sexual interaction. Textually, there's a vast divide between what's on the screen and what's going on in person. I can get all I need from kink without actually needing to interact with it. + +\begin{ally} +And what do you need from kink? +\end{ally} +Beyond just fantasy fulfillment? A way to cope, I suppose. +\newpage + +% \href{https://bbbingo.me/preparations-squadrons-voices-spans}{\includegraphics{/sex/kink/bingo.svg}} + +\begin{ally} +I'm not really sure what to make of the fact that you made a bingo card for your kinks. +\end{ally} +Well, hey, hit bingo, and maybe I explode or something. Besides, \href{https://bbbingo.me}{bbbingo} was for a game jam. + +\begin{ally} +So tell me about your free space. +\end{ally} +Actually, I think many of them come from a similar space: recasting bad or uncomfortable experiences from childhood into some positive light. A way to reclaim them and make them positive again. + +\begin{ally} +How is humiliation positive? +\end{ally} +Okay, maybe some of them are not so much `again'. + +\begin{ally} +I don't imagine non-consensual sex ever was, no. +\end{ally} +Not really, but using kink as a coping mechanism for anxieties around rape is at least a way forward for me. + +Ditto humiliation. Being made to feel inadequate, often by people I was supposed to look up to, was such a negative force in my life --- in Matthew's life --- that it left me with quite a bit of baggage. This is just a way to sort through it. + +\begin{ally} +Sexily. +\end{ally} +I suppose. It's something of a metakink. Many of the others stem from that, or from a similar core interest. + +Scent-play as a means of degradation: why would a snow leopard smell of canine? Fits in nicely with knotting. Why not toss in some species denial, too; no more kitty, you say `arf' now. + +Scruffing, in the context of furry, especially with felines, is a means of rendering one helpless. Coercion and weakened mental states fit as well. Those all sort of tag along with the non-consensual core kink + +\begin{ally} +So, pain and blood? Breathplay? +\end{ally} +Yes. Abuse. Damage. Bad ends. + +\begin{ally} +Where do those come from? +\end{ally} +Self hatred. Self harm. Destroy me before I destroy myself. + +\begin{ally} +Really? +\end{ally} +No, of course not. + +\begin{ally} +But some part of you actively believes that? Some part of you actively craves someone destroying you? Beating you bloody? Choking you? Leaving you for dead with casual nonchalance? +\end{ally} +Yes. +\newpage + +\begin{ally} +Do you enjoy vanilla sex, then? +\end{ally} +Perhaps. I suppose I must. So much of what I did for so long, online and off, was vanilla. Even now, much of it is. + +\begin{ally} +Yet ``sneps are for abusing''. +\end{ally} +Yes. + +\begin{ally} +Why? +\end{ally} +I enjoy vanilla sex. It feels good. All this kink, though, helps me grow. It's exposure therapy. + +It was exposure therapy when a TS partner on Taps laughed in my face as he raped me and left me to clean myself up. It is exposure therapy because I can say no, because I can enjoy being tied up now. + +It was exposure therapy when I was ordered to describe what I wanted in lurid detail. It's exposure therapy because I can talk about sex now. + +It was exposure therapy when I entered into a few master/pet relationships. It's exposure therapy because at some point I was able to handle a power-dynamic in my relationships. + +It was exposure therapy when I spent scene after scene toying with fertility. It's exposure therapy because at some point I was able to deal with the idea of not being cis, of motherhood being unattainable. + +It was exposure therapy when I made my character a pudgy nerd and still able to engage with her sexually. It's exposure therapy because I've been able to come to terms with my body. + +\begin{ally} +It's exposure therapy because at some point, you started enjoying sex --- or at least enjoying it more --- and the thought of sharing that with someone. +\end{ally} +Yes. +\newpage diff --git a/book/content/sex/rape.tex b/book/content/sex/rape.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..00ce5ae --- /dev/null +++ b/book/content/sex/rape.tex @@ -0,0 +1,125 @@ +\begin{ally} +Tell me about rape. +\end{ally} +No. + +\begin{ally} +Talk in circles around it, then, and then tell me why you won't tell me about it. Or vice versa. I don't care. I'm not picky as to the order. +\end{ally} +Fine. +\newpage + +Let's say, as we have already, that you spend much of puberty up in your head, and then when you start branching out into engaging sexually with others, you do so in a purely intellectual way. One which involves some sort of platonic ideal of sexuality. You never feel awkward. Everything always just works. + +Let's just take that for granted. + +Let's also take for granted that this mechanism of interaction is one wherein getting out of a sexual interaction that is uncomfortable, or pressured, or hell, even nonconsensual is a matter of just\ldots{}stopping. Come up with an excuse. Come up with some lie. Eschew the truth in favor of making the other person happy, as you would your father. + +\begin{ally} +That's not possible. Being pressured into typefucking is just as easy as it is to be pressured into sex in the embodied world. +\end{ally} +I'll agree with that. Take it for granted, then that this is what you believe. You believe that consent is implicit in the act, because to revoke consent is as simple as signing off or pretending that your parents walked in on you. + +\begin{ally} +Okay. +\end{ally} +Now take the type of person who takes all that for granted, and put them in a situation with someone who has an overbearing personality, who gets what they deserve, and who deserves you. Take that type of person and put them in a situation where sex is expected of them. + +What do you suppose happens? + +\begin{ally} +The topic at hand. +\end{ally} +Yes. + +Now, what do you suppose happens to such a person who gets taken advantage of, who winds up in a situation they shouldn't be in, who gets raped, and then put them out into a world full of sexual people, where it is expected that one be sexual. +\newpage + +\begin{ally} +Do you think that you are asexual because you were raped? +\end{ally} +No. + +\begin{ally} +That was quick. +\end{ally} +No, I can promise you that, if there is a simple cause for me being ace (and there emphatically isn't), it's my reliance on TS. I found sex confusing, baffling, and kind of gross long before I had my own little struggle with consent. + +Being ace, being autochorissexual, even if I didn't have the words for it, even if I didn't believe in such a thing, even if such a thing couldn't possibly apply to me, was the case from the very beginning of my embodied sexual interactions. It was the case from the very beginning. It was the case from when I lost my virginity, however slippery the concept is. + +\begin{ally} +Ah yes, was it the first time you masturbated with someone? Was it the first time you had oral sex? Anal? +\end{ally} +Life's complicated for a gay boy. + +\begin{ally} +So much easier for a trans girl. +\end{ally} +We've been over that. + +\begin{ally} +Fair enough. Do you think that being raped prevented you from coming to terms with your asexuality? +\end{ally} +I think so, yes. + +\begin{ally} +Less quick. +\end{ally} +It's unclear to me. It's something of a new thought I've had lately. Was part of what kept me struggling and striving to have a healthy sexual existence due to me trying to overcome this aspect of my past? + +Beyond that, was TIASAP me accepting that I wasn't succeeding? + +Perhaps. + +\begin{ally} +Perhaps. Perhaps you needed exposure to a certain level of knowledge surrounding identity before you could truly accept it. Perhaps you needed to circle around it like you're circling around the event at hand. Perhaps you needed to side-eye it, because looking at it directly would surely blind you. It was too bright. It was the wrong color, some impossible shade of blue. It made your head hurt and your gorge rise. +\end{ally} +Perhaps. +\newpage + +\begin{ally} +So why \textbf{are} we talking circles around it? +\end{ally} +Because, at some level, the experience itself is unimportant. I was young, I was dumb, he was an asshole. + +What \emph{is} important is the ramifications. What is important is the fact that I have to live with the person I became when I was disabused of all of those silly, romantic notions of implied consent and this strange idea that I could just stop an act, even if it meant lying. + +\begin{ally} +Lying always worked so well with your dad, did it? +\end{ally} +No, and now I was finding out that this was the case in relationships beyond just typefucking. It made me realize, on some level, how superficial my interactions up until this point had been. I had gone from being the type of person who believed she was living an earnest life with earnest people, enjoying deep relationships, falling in love. + +\begin{ally} +Were you not? +\end{ally} +Perhaps I was on some level, but I was missing this key component: that my actions have consequences. + +Not that I'm blaming myself for what happened, of course. I was young, I was dumb, he was an asshole, after all. But non-action is still an action. Not saying no was still an action. Being unwilling to learn about the fact that my actions have consequences was an action. + +It called into question how passive I had been in the past. It called into question how little I had been saying no in the past. It called into question how little I had actually learned about how the world worked. + +\begin{ally} +``Coming to terms with being a terrible person,'' you wrote. +\end{ally} +Yes, and I wrote that in the thick of this realization. At that point, I was coming to terms with all of these things, the passivity and the willful ignorance. + +I was coming to terms with how much I was hurting those around me, and just how much I had to learn. + +\begin{ally} +And boy howdy. +\end{ally} +Yeah. I would continue to hurt those around me for years. I still do. I'm getting better, though. I'm willing to learn, now. + +\begin{ally} +``I cannot possibly bow low enough, I cannot possibly apologize with enough sincerity to make up for the hurt I've caused you,'' you wrote. +\end{ally} +Yes. And I stand by it. + +I have much to learn, but I've come a long ways from who I used to be. + +The specifics of what happened aren't really important. What is important is the moment before, and the moment after. + +\begin{ally} +The blackbird whistling, or just after. +\end{ally} +\newpage diff --git a/book/content/sex/sex.tex b/book/content/sex/sex.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..963b4a8 --- /dev/null +++ b/book/content/sex/sex.tex @@ -0,0 +1,426 @@ +Cathleen Schine writes in \emph{The Evolution of Jane}: + +And while I don't necessarily have fond memories of childhood-- + +\begin{ally} +Clearly not +\end{ally} +--some part of me does rather miss the childlike curiosity with which I was able to approach sexuality early in puberty. It was all so abstract and confusing. Every time I'd try something new, there would be this thrill of danger, this rush of excitement. The lone copy of \emph{Joy of Sex}'s assurances aside, was each burst of pleasure actually something going \emph{horribly wrong?} + +\begin{ally} +Ah, to be young and anxious. +\end{ally} +And I really was. Like many kids, I suspect, my first orgasm was terrifying. I thought I'd broken myself. + +\begin{ally} +You got over it. +\end{ally} +Boy did I. I soon learned to love masturbation. + +But still, the bit I yearn for was the utter simplicity of my explorations. There was a lot of \emph{does this feel good} and \emph{let's try this} and so on, as I spent hours just trying to figure out what the hell bodies even are. + +\begin{ally} +And the best part of it all is that it didn't involve anyone else. Your fantasies were about feeling good, or perhaps about some vague idea of sex as a concept, but it was all so abstract. The orgasm --- later, the delaying of such --- became the highest goal, the purest art. Other people just got in the way. +\end{ally} +It was a bit telling, wasn't it? +\newpage + +How can one be sexual when the act of engaging in sex is so confusing, so anxiety-inducing as to be not worth it no matter how barked up one is? + +\begin{ally} +You're getting ahead of yourself. The solutions arrived before the problem made itself known. +\end{ally} +I suppose so. + +My first sexual experiences took place over the phone and over text. Late night, parked in front of my computer with the cordless pinned between my cheek and shoulder, Danny and I masturbated together 1,800 miles apart. There was only the soft sounds of breathing, the quiet monosyllables, and the rushed reassurances that, yes, we were close, and then a shaky sigh from both of us. + +\begin{ally} +You can still hear his voice saying two things: ``Mattie'', his pet name for you, and the sleepy, giddy kind of ``I love you'' that comes after an orgasm when you've both stayed up far too late. +\end{ally} +I only met him once. We just smoked weed together in a hotel bathroom, hung out, cuddled. Sex would be too complicated for us, by then. We had gone our different ways. We had become different people. + +\begin{ally} +And by then, you'd started encountering the aforementioned problem. +\end{ally} +Yes. + +Another easy solution I latched onto was erotic roleplay. TS. Typefucking. Co-authoring erotica. + +I latched on and wouldn't let go. Still haven't. Beyond even myself, it shows up in my writing: + +\begin{ally} +Did you? +\end{ally} +Did I what? Write bits of my life into furry fiction? + +\begin{ally} +Hunger for touch. +\end{ally} +In some cases, sure. I wanted nothing more than to hold, to be held. I wanted nothing more than to experience arousal and climax with these people I loved. + +\begin{ally} +And that was the problem. +\end{ally} +Yes. The problem was that I wanted to experience arousal and climax, but not really the whole sex part. Or perhaps I wanted that frictionless sex that can be accomplished in typefucking. I wanted that consequence-free, painless, perfectly-lubricated and utterly mess-less sex. + +Even then, I'm not so sure. +\newpage + +The problem was that I didn't really want sex. I loved the idea of it, loved reading and writing about it, loved ERP, loved consuming art, loved thinking about it, loved masturbating. I just didn't really love sex itself. + +Not for lack of trying, mind. I played around with my partners, tamping down my anxiety and squeamishness in order to try and just enjoy myself, enjoy our times together. Often, I was at least reasonably successful, too. I still have fond memories of some fun romps. + +\begin{ally} +What rankled? +\end{ally} +It was a few things, I think. The most obvious being the increasing dissonance between my body and my identity as `male' started to fit less and less. When having a penis seems odd and discordant, engaging with it feels unsatisfactory at best, nauseating at worst. + +Another was simply the mess of it all. Water-based lube gets sticky. Condoms are finicky. Fluid-bonding is great, but then the mess is magnified. Foreskin is complicated --- a rough weekend of too much masturbation left me scarred, the resulting phimosis making sex something of an adventure. + +I think, most often, it was just that it was a lot of work. You had to set aside time. You had to negotiate. You had to have the condoms handy. You had to have the lube handy. You had to both be willing and on the same page. All perfectly doable, but whether or not it was worth it was something that seemed to vary from day to day. + +\begin{ally} +And the shame. +\end{ally} +Yes, there was plenty of that. The unswerving sense that I had messed up. That I was doing something wrong. That this was all so disgusting. That this baffling act of smashing meat together was somehow a positive thing, but I just couldn't see how. + +\begin{ally} +You tried to cleanse yourself of that with TIASAP. You also tried going the other way. You went to the Underground parties. You gathered around you a core group of people you trusted and played with them. You worked to extract that shame from yourself so that you could live without it. +\end{ally} +Sometimes it worked. Sometimes it was a matter of the stars aligning. + +Of those fond memories I mentioned, most of them surround lazy, comfortable sex, where everything was just aligned. Giving a cozy blowjob on a couch with no time pressure. Putting my hair up with a chopstick. That Underground party with lube and condoms readily available, and us two incidentally parked near enough that getting started was no stress. Sneaky fingers slipping past elastic waistbands. Tentative touches. + +\begin{ally} +Sex that you had for fun. Sex with people you were close to. Sex with no expectations. +\end{ally} +Which I suppose is how it should be, but that rarely seems to be the case. Even when JD and I had moved in together and were sexually active, it was often more stress than it was worth. + +\begin{ally} +And then you gave up trying to conquer shame. +\end{ally} +Yes. And since, by that point, every sexual act I engaged with left me feeling awful, I effectively gave up on sex. +\newpage + +\begin{ally} +Where did the shame come from? +\end{ally} +I'm not sure. I've got a few ideas, though. + +The first is likely that, as a queer person, societal shame is just part of our lives. We're not normal, after all. The sex we have doesn't line up with the sex we \emph{should} have. + +I certainly bought into that, despite all of my efforts. Homosexual stuff was fine online, of course, because it was all so idyllic and perfect. No muss, no fuss. To be confronted with just how much of a mess sex can be offline, especially between two bepenised individuals, left me feeling like somehow I was falling short of that ideal. + +\begin{ally} +Perhaps that is the crux of the shame: sex should be easy, and you should be good at it, if your online sex life was anything to go by. That it isn't and that you aren't felt like an indictment. +\end{ally} +Yes. The second idea that I have is that there was that misalignment between body and mind that started in 2005 and just grew wider over time. This put that indictment in very stark terms: sex should be easy, I should be good at it, and I should be a girl, if my online sex life was anything to go by, and I was none of those things. + +\begin{ally} +Has the shame lessened since transition? Since surgery? +\end{ally} +Oh, quite a bit. I still feel like I'm not very good at it, that it's not easy, but I no longer have that overwhelming sense that I'm lying to everyone I lay with. + +\begin{ally} +Your other ideas? +\end{ally} +Two. The first is subtler, and more of a subset of stuff already mentioned. To be raised a boy in America in the 90s is to be raised with the competing ideas that women are people and that women are sexual objects. Having sex is a balancing act between claiming what is rightfully yours as a man and treating a woman right. + +To then be gay, and especially then to bottom, is to turn every bit of that on its head. You become the sexual object. You become the person who should be treated right. You fulfill all these obligations placed on sex, but somehow manage to do so completely wrong. You fuck it all up. + +\begin{ally} +The other? +\end{ally} +Getting raped just kind of messes you up. + +\begin{ally} +Ah. +\end{ally} +So, let's talk about kink. +\end{leftcolumn} +\begin{rightcolumn*} +\input{content/sex/kink.tex} +\input{content/sex/rape.tex} +\end{rightcolumn*} +\begin{leftcolumn} +\newpage + +I can't let this go. + +\begin{ally} +Why not? +\end{ally} +I just can't. I doubt it's possible, but I need to somehow get this off my chest. I need to be able to throw enough words at it that it leaves me alone. I need\ldots{}not a solution, but perhaps some sense of closure, of having explained it well enough that I may be forgiven. + +\begin{ally} +Forgiven what? Your trespasses? Your sins? +\end{ally} +Perhaps. Perhaps I need to be forgiven my inadequacies. + +\begin{ally} +Explain away, then. +\end{ally} +I spend a lot of time walking circles around the concept of asexuality. It's an uncomfortable thought, an identity that itches for someone who feels attraction, who otherwise enjoys the idea of sex, is capable of even enjoying the act. + +\begin{ally} +So long as it doesn't actually involve you. +\end{ally} +Yes. + +Autochorissexualism, they call it, though the word is clunky to the point of inoperable. The feeling of being generally positive on sex to the point of getting turned on, so long as it doesn't actually involve oneself. Fictional characters, visual art, and text-based role-play seem to be the bailiwick of such. + +I suppose, if you spend so much time feeling a fundamental disconnect from your body, such an identity is almost bound to form. Even before I felt so plagued by dysphoria that interacting sexually was problematic in its own right, even before I was able to engage with another person sexually in, as it were, the flesh, I was embedded in long distance relationships where sexual interaction was based on the idea of sex rather than the actual practice of it. + +\begin{ally} +Was that a choice? +\end{ally} +I don't know. I suppose, on some level, it was. Could I have dated someone local instead of Danny? Instead of Marek or Andrew? Sure, I guess. + +\begin{ally} +But you didn't. +\end{ally} +No. + +\begin{ally} +Why not? +\end{ally} +I suppose that would have required me coming out to my parents more formally. Or, perhaps, it would've required me gaining a level of sneakiness in my social interactions that I don't think I'm really capable of. + +Not only that, but I dove into furry halfway through puberty, and I dove in \emph{hard}. It was my distraction from a shitty few years of life, from a shitty entry into puberty. And, with the whole running away fiasco, the sudden moving of schools, it was my whole social circle. + +And hey, one dates within one's social circle, right? That would require having a local furry scene. + +\begin{ally} +You had Shannon and Ash. +\end{ally} +Well, yes, but Ash and I had known each other since second grade. Something about it didn't feel right. And this is back when I was very, very gay. For better or for worse, Shannon and I were not relationship material. + +\begin{ally} +Had you been more open to dating women, do you think you would have been? +\end{ally} +Perhaps. I don't know how long that would have lasted, though, had we gone in that direction. After a time, we simply became better friends material than we would have made relationship material. + +\begin{ally} +There was Pilot. +\end{ally} +We were in no way compatible. + +\begin{ally} +There was Michael. +\end{ally} +I \emph{knew} it. I knew that was coming. I could feel you winding up to throw that in my face. +\newpage + +\begin{ally} +So, tell me about Michael in a second, but tell me why you knew that was coming. +\end{ally} +Why should I? We both know. + +\begin{ally} +Because it's important that you be able to contextualize this discussion. +\end{ally} +It was the order of your questions. It was the way you came at things so circuitously. It was the way you asked about the local furry scene specifically without mentioning him. It's the way you nudged me about Shannon before bringing him up. + +\begin{ally} +Was that uncouth? +\end{ally} +A little. Ask about relationships as relating to a woman, then ask me about when I started dating a trans man. Are you my internalized transphobia? + +\begin{ally} +Not my department. You hate yourself far more than this conversation entails. +\end{ally} +Of course. + +\begin{ally} +Still, the answer is no. I do not ask about him out of some weird sense of transphobia, so much as because, with Shannon, you mentioned being very, very gay, and yet your relationship with Michael was still sexual. +\end{ally} +So? + +\begin{ally} +There is an aspect of biology here that needs mentioning. +\end{ally} +Or at least talking around in circles. + +\begin{ally} +No, mentioning. You went into your relationship with him gay to the point of describing your aversion to vaginas, and you came out of it solidly bi despite him being a man. +\end{ally} +Point. + +\begin{ally} +Yes. +\end{ally} +Our relationship was indeed sexual. It didn't involve PiV sex until it was no longer a romantic relationship, but there's no denying the that aspect of it. There's no denying the attraction, even if at the time, I chalked it up to him being transmasculine. + +\begin{ally} +Was there perhaps some aspect of \textbf{doppelwunsch} to it? Some bit of ``I don't know whether I want to be with him or be him''? +\end{ally} +If so, it was only the tiniest shadow of a prelude. We dated when I was seventeen and eighteen. I didn't really do the whole \emph{gosh, maybe I'm trans} thing until I was in my mid twenties. + +\begin{ally} +Hindsight is 20/20. +\end{ally} +I hate that phrase. + +\begin{ally} +2016: ``I think''hindsight is twenty-twenty" is better reserved for cases when seemingly unrelated occurrences come together to form an outcome that seems to be greater than the sum of the parts. It fits best when you look back at your life and see disparate, unconnected events come together to make the situation you find yourself in now." +\end{ally} +You throw my words back at me? + +\begin{ally} +Yes. +\end{ally} +Fine. Yes. Perhaps there was some aspect of \emph{doppelwunsch} to our relationship. Still, that does not take away from the fact that suddenly, sexuality became far more complex for me. Suddenly, there was attraction to someone who wasn't simply another gay furry on the internet. + +\begin{ally} +It opened you up. ``Ah,'' you thought. ``Perhaps the reason sex doesn't work so well with guys is maybe I'm more into women.'' +\end{ally} +That's putting it quite glibly, but perhaps in a way, yes. + +\begin{ally} +So you dated Kayla. +\end{ally} +Yes. We even had sex a few times. + +\begin{ally} +And were you more into women? +\end{ally} +I don't know. I think that's the point at which it stopped mattering. That's the point I started calling myself pan. That's the point I stopped keeping track. + +\begin{ally} +Because nothing was working. +\end{ally} +Yeah. +\newpage + +I feel it important to add that it's not that sex itself feels bad. + +\begin{ally} +Why? +\end{ally} +Why does it not feel bad? + +\begin{ally} +No.~Why do you feel it important to add that? +\end{ally} +Because to not do so would do a disservice to my years trying to be sexually active. They weren't bad years, and I did have some success at it. + +JD and I eventually got together. We had a good amount of sex. We went to the Underground parties --- orgies, really --- and had lots of fun there. Bel and I had a good amount of sex, and it was pretty good. I looked forward to seeing them, simply because the sex was pretty good, as well as because they were good friends. + +\begin{ally} +So if the sex was pretty good, if you still had a lot of fun playing around with your husband, why did you stop? Why did you eventually remove your choice in the matter and chemically castrate yourself? +\end{ally} +Perhaps because I resented needing sex. I was insatiable, yet it seemed to me to be no more than a puerile affliction, like baby teeth. + +I resented how I shared so many wonderful and complete sexual interactions with people when my own body was not involved. I resented how how good sex \emph{could} be and yet never was. I resented how easy it was for some people to have good sex when, for me, even at my freest, I was so rarely able to manage much more than a confused, anxious jumble of physical interaction that was driven so often by the mere need to ejaculate. + +\begin{ally} +You resented that you had to take part so wholeheartedly, too. You resented that you had to stop, to do nothing but sex for so long. +\end{ally} +Yes. I could typefuck and read. I could typefuck and do homework. I could typefuck and browse porn. I could typefuck twice at the same time, or three times, spending time with one person on SPR and another on FurryMUCK, or hell, two people on one MUCK, one in the same room while paging another elsewhere. + +Hell, I resent having to focus on a single thing even now. Even as I write this, I'm on a train with no cell signal, and I resent the fact that I have to focus just on this without the ability to tab over and, say, chat with someone. + +\begin{ally} +Do you resent this forced interaction with me? +\end{ally} +No, or perhaps no more than usual. I would resent being only able to work on typesetting or software, too, just as I resent going out to the movies for making me do nothing but consume a single piece of media. +\newpage + +\begin{ally} +So if sex makes you feel anxious and confused, how does being asexual --- or, as you say, autochorissexual --- make you feel? +\end{ally} +Other than uncomfortable and itchy? I think that's how I described it earlier. + +\begin{ally} +Yes. +\end{ally} +I guess it makes me feel anxious and confused, just in different ways. It's comfortable enough for JD and I to not have a a sexual relationship. He's still a gay guy, for the most part, so for me to have transitioned to the extent that I have means that we don't really click on a sexual level anymore. + +He's not my only partner, though. Robin is still sexual. Barac is still sexual. Colton is still sexual. I have all these sexual people in my life, and they're all people I'm attracted to and with whom I've shared sexuality in one way or another, but with whom I mostly feel disinclined to have sex with for any number of reasons. + +\begin{ally} +And Judith? +\end{ally} +We had penetrative sex for the first time --- a sort of exploratory thing --- when last she visited, and shortly after, she mentioned feeling ace, herself. + +\begin{ally} +You enjoyed it. +\end{ally} +I did, that hasn't changed from what I mentioned before. Sex can feel good, physically. It feels better now after surgery than it did before, too. Sometimes, I think, ``Aha, this must have solved it. Now I'm able to do what I never was before.'' And then, when confronted with the reality, everything is still problematic. + +It's just that, having had surgery has only removed one aspect of the anxious and confused grossness that goes along with the act. It only removed the dysphoria (and of course the complications of phimosis). It didn't fix my other hangups. + +\begin{ally} +What are the other hangups? +\end{ally} +The discomfort. + +The mess. + +The guilt. + +The imperfection. + +\begin{ally} +Imperfection? +\end{ally} +The sense that were we doing something else, we might both be happier. + +The sense that, no matter how smoothly I might move, I must surely be doing a bad job, I must be falling short in some way. + +The sense that, no matter how many times I ask the other person whether something feels good or is allowed, I must be somehow betraying their consent by gaining pleasure from this act. +\newpage + +\begin{ally} +Were you able to become a truly sexual person, would you? +\end{ally} +Probably. + +\begin{ally} +What would that look like? +\end{ally} +I'm not sure. Sexual liberation? All that stuff online, being able to do at least some of it in person? Some fantasies coming true? I'm writing this on my way to a furry convention where I'll be around three of my partners. Maybe it would look like having comfortable sex with them. Maybe it would be some low-consequences sex with friends, many of whom will also be there. + +Perhaps it would simply look like less shame. + +\begin{ally} +Shame, according to BrenĂ© Brown, is rooted in vulnerability. Shame is the sense that ``you are bad'', as opposed to the ``you did a bad thing'' that goes along with guilt. +\end{ally} +Yes. And there is some aspect of vulnerability that is healthy, but just an aspect of it, not the whole of it. + +Were I able to become a truly sexual person, I'd probably do it. + +\begin{ally} +Do you feel bad that you aren't, then? +\end{ally} +To an extent, but not bad enough to hunt down some sort of ``fix''. I don't feel broken, \emph{per se}, at least not always, but I do feel like I'm missing out on something wonderful. I don't feel broken, but maybe I do feel a little jealous. +\newpage + +\begin{ally} +Do you think you are becoming more comfortable with sex over time? +\end{ally} +Yes, as I've mentioned. + +\begin{ally} +Spell it out plainly. +\end{ally} +Okay. + +Surgery helped. Hell, transition as a whole helped. Being a girl has helped. Sure, it might be nice to be the penetrating partner, but I also dearly love being penetrated, and this has added that to my life. + +Talking and thinking about it has helped. I spend a lot of time working on this, because even if I can't become a sexual person, becoming more comfortable with being an asexual person would be a good thing. + +Even kink has helped, as mentioned. As has typefucking. I've started interacting more as Makyo lately, as an explicitly transgender character, as someone so very like myself. I'll never be able to have anything other than complicated and weird trans sex as a complicated and weird trans woman, and so doing so intentionally, owning the less-than-ideal realities of my body and mind in a place where it's so easy to take part in the ideal feels like a healthy step forward. + +\begin{ally} +Late bloomer that you are, you're learning that all of the less-than-ideal aspects of sex are a part of the whole experience, and that you can still have fun despite them. +\end{ally} +Yes. Let me own the lube and the awkward positions. Let me own the wet spots and the performance anxiety. Let me own my weird-as-hell body. And then let me own sexuality. I would be plenty happy with that. + +\begin{ally} +But you're not unhappy now. +\end{ally} +No, I'm not unhappy. I'm happy with this, really. I'm happy with fantasy and art and TS. I'm happy with verbal teasing and masturbation. + +The only bit I'm really unhappy about is that it keeps me from making others happy. +\newpage diff --git a/book/includes/font.tex b/book/includes/font.tex index e4fa7ef..b47a086 100644 --- a/book/includes/font.tex +++ b/book/includes/font.tex @@ -3,7 +3,7 @@ \usepackage{fontspec} \setmainfont{Gentium Book Basic} -\newfontface\allyFont{Merriweather Sans Italic} +\newfontface\allyFont{Merriweather Sans Italic}[Scale=0.9,Color=444444FF,Ligatures=TeX] \newfontfamily\TitleFamily{Inknut Antiqua} \newfontface\TitleFont{Inknut Antiqua} % \newfontfamily\DisplayFamily{Playfair Display} diff --git a/book/includes/variables.tex b/book/includes/variables.tex index f70a987..389927e 100644 --- a/book/includes/variables.tex +++ b/book/includes/variables.tex @@ -11,9 +11,9 @@ \def\ISBN{XXX-X-XXXXXX-XX-X} -\newcommand\ally[1]{ +\newenvironment{ally}{ +\noindent\ignorespaces \begin{quotation} - \fontspec[Scale=0.9,Color=444444FF]{Merriweather Sans} - \noindent \emph{#1} -\end{quotation} -} + \allyFont\itshape + \noindent}{ +\end{quotation}\ignorespacesafterend }