Finish sex and kink
This commit is contained in:
Madison Scott-Clary
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type: chronological
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<div class="info">Viewing in chronological order</div>
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@ -3,7 +3,7 @@ date: 2019-09-24
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weight: 1
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---
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Cathline Schine writes in *The Evolution of Jane*:
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Cathleen Schine writes in *The Evolution of Jane*:
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<div class="verse">I resented the state of childhood wonder. It was insatiable, yet it seemed to me to be no more than a puerile affliction, like baby teeth. My ignorance struck me as a bizarre anomaly, for I felt, with utter certainty, that I was --- how can I say this? --- that I was *sufficient*. Evidence to the contrary forced itself on me every hour of every day, but that seemed to me some preposterous misunderstanding.</div>
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@ -34,12 +34,16 @@ But our relationships were as real as any collocated flings. More so, we told ou
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I’m sure we all hungered for touch.</div>
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> Did you? Hunger for touch, that is.
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> Did you?
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Did I what? Write bits of my life into furry fiction?
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> Hunger for touch.
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In some cases, sure. I wanted nothing more than to hold, to be held. I wanted nothing more than to experience arousal and climax with these people I loved.
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> And that was the problem.
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Yes. The problem was that I wanted to experience arousal and climax, but not really the whole sex part. Or perhaps I wanted that frictionless sex that can be accomplished in typefucking. I wanted that consequence-free, painless, perfectly-lubricated and utterly messless sex.
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Yes. The problem was that I wanted to experience arousal and climax, but not really the whole sex part. Or perhaps I wanted that frictionless sex that can be accomplished in typefucking. I wanted that consequence-free, painless, perfectly-lubricated and utterly mess-less sex.
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Even then, I'm not so sure.
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@ -5,11 +5,11 @@ weight: 3
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The problem was that I didn't really want sex. I loved the idea of it, loved reading and writing about it, loved ERP, loved consuming art, loved thinking about it, loved masturbating. I just didn't really love sex itself.
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Not for lack of trying, mind. I played around with my partners, tamping down my anxiety and squeamishness in order to try and just enjoy myself, enjoy our times together. Often, I was at least reasonably successful, too. I still have fond memories of some fun romps
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Not for lack of trying, mind. I played around with my partners, tamping down my anxiety and squeamishness in order to try and just enjoy myself, enjoy our times together. Often, I was at least reasonably successful, too. I still have fond memories of some fun romps.
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> What rankled?
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It was a few things, I think. The most obvious being the increasing dissonance between my body and my identity as 'male' started to fit less and less. When having a penis seems odd and dischordant, engaging with it feels unsatisfactory at best, nauseating at worst.
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It was a few things, I think. The most obvious being the increasing dissonance between my body and my identity as 'male' started to fit less and less. When having a penis seems odd and discordant, engaging with it feels unsatisfactory at best, nauseating at worst.
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Another was simply the mess of it all. Water-based lube gets sticky. Condoms are finicky. Fluid-bonding is great, but then the mess is magnified. Foreskin is complicated --- a rough weekend left me scarred, the resulting phimosis making sex something of an adventure.
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@ -19,7 +19,7 @@ I think, most often, it was just that it was a lot of work. You had to set aside
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Yes, there was plenty of that. The unswerving sense that I had messed up. That I was doing something wrong. That this was all so disgusting. That this baffling act of smashing meat together was somehow a positive thing, but I just couldn't see how.
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> You tried to cleanse yourself of that. You went to the Underground parties. You gathered around you a core group of people you trusted and played with them. You worked to extract that shame from yourself so that you could live without it.
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> You tried to cleanse yourself of that with <a class="pulse" href="/self-harm">TIASAP</a>. You also tried going the other way. You went to the Underground parties. You gathered around you a core group of people you trusted and played with them. You worked to extract that shame from yourself so that you could live without it.
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Sometimes it worked. Sometimes it was a matter of the stars aligning.
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---
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type: serial
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back: /poly/6
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background: '#eeeef8'
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color: '#111111'
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quote: '#333333'
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---
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<div class="cw">Frank discussions of sex and sexuality</div>
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Things to talk about:
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content/sex/kink/001.md
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content/sex/kink/001.md
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date: 2019-09-25
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weight: 1
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What do you do when you've got a libido and relatively little will to act upon it? Delve into kink.
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> Well, and fuck around on Taps a lot.
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The two go hand in hand. When sex makes you intensely anxious, it turns out that getting tied up and blindfolded just sort of multiplies that anxiety.
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> So you removed yourself from the equation.
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Close enough, yes. I let my characters bear the weight of kink and sexual interaction. Textually, there's a vast divide between what's on the screen and what's going on in person. I can get all I need from kink without actually needing to interact with it.
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> And what do you need from kink?
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Beyond just fantasy fulfillment? A way to cope, I suppose.
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content/sex/kink/002.md
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content/sex/kink/002.md
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date: 2019-09-25
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weight: 2
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[](https://bbbingo.me/preparations-squadrons-voices-spans)
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> I'm not really sure what to make of the fact that you made a bingo card for your kinks.
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Well, hey, hit bingo, and maybe I explode or something. Besides, [bbbingo](https://bbbingo.me) was for a game jam.
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> So tell me about your free space.
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Actually, I think many of them come from a similar space: recasting bad or uncomfortable experiences from childhood into some positive light. A way to reclaim them and make them positive again.
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> How is humiliation positive?
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Okay, maybe some of them are not so much 'again'.
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> I don't imagine non-consensual sex ever was, no.
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Not really, but using kink as a coping mechanism for anxieties around rape is at least a way forward for me.
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Ditto humiliation. Being made to feel inadequate, often by people I was supposed to look up to, was such a negative force in my life --- in Matthew's life --- that it left me with quite a bit of baggage. This is just a way to sort through it.
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> Sexily.
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I suppose. It's something of a metakink. Many of the others stem from that, or from a similar core interest.
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Scent-play as a means of degradation: why would a snow leopard smell of canine? Fits in nicely with knotting. Why not toss in some species denial, too; no more kitty, you say 'arf' now.
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Scruffing, in the context of furry, especially with felines, is a means of rendering one helpless. Coercion and weakened mental states fit as well. Those all sort of tag along with the non-consensual core kink
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> So, pain and blood? Breathplay?
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Yes. Abuse. Damage. Bad ends.
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> Where do those come from?
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Self hatred. Self harm. Destroy me before I destroy myself.
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> Really?
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No, of course not.
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> But some part of you actively believes that? Some part of you actively craves someone destroying you? Beating you bloody? Choking you? Leaving you for dead with casual nonchalance?
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Yes.
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content/sex/kink/003.html
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content/sex/kink/003.html
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---
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date: 2019-09-25
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weight: 3
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---
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<blockquote>Why are you doing this?</blockquote>
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<p>It's sensitive. It's difficult to talk about. It's my life, it's my site, it's my art. Why would I not?</p>
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<blockquote>Because this is supposed to be honest. This is supposed to be you baring your soul to the world. This is supposed to be your memoir.</blockquote>
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<p>I suppose. But still, it <em>is</em> mine, first and foremost.</p>
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<button type="submit">Decrypt</button>
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<div id="decrypted"></div>
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document.getElementById('decrypted').innerHTML = marked(`...
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I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
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> To whom are you apologizing?
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Myself, perhaps. You. Everyone.
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Needless to say, that's not the passphrase. I'm sorry. If you don't know it, if I haven't told you, I'm sorry.`);
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30
content/sex/kink/004.md
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30
content/sex/kink/004.md
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---
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date: 2019-09-25
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weight: 4
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---
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> Do you enjoy vanilla sex, then?
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Perhaps. I suppose I must. So much of what I did for so long, online and off, was vanilla. Even now, much of it is.
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> Yet "sneps are for abusing".
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Yes.
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> Why?
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I enjoy vanilla sex. It feels good. All this kink, though, helps me grow. It's exposure therapy.
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It was exposure therapy when a TS partner on Taps laughed in my face as he raped me and left me to clean myself up. It is exposure therapy because I can say no, because I can enjoy being tied up now.
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It was exposure therapy when I was ordered to describe what I wanted in lurid detail. It's exposure therapy because I can talk about sex now.
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It was exposure therapy when I entered into a few master/pet relationships. It's exposure therapy because at some point I was able to handle a power-dynamic in my relationships.
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It was exposure therapy when I spent scene after scene toying with fertility. It's exposure therapy because at some point I was able to deal with the idea of not being cis, of motherhood being unattainable.
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It was exposure therapy when I made my character a pudgy nerd and still able to engage with her sexually. It's exposure therapy because I've been able to come to terms with my body.
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> It's exposure therapy because at some point, you started enjoying sex and the thought of sharing that with someone.
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Yes.
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@ -1,7 +1,13 @@
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---
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type: serial
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back: /sex/4
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background: '#17111a'
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color: '#ffffff'
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quote: '#ffffff'
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---
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<div class="cw">Frank discussions of sexuality and kink (along with some problematic ones)</div>
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<!--
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Things to talk about:
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Reference in New Issue
Block a user