diff --git a/content/ally/001.md b/content/ally/001.md index 6e302f2..24590a4 100644 --- a/content/ally/001.md +++ b/content/ally/001.md @@ -9,11 +9,11 @@ categories: - meta --- -What if I tried to write a magical-realistic memoir? +What if I tried to write a memoir? Like. -It doesn't need to be totally true, and maybe some stuff gets pretty floaty, and maybe some stuff winds up as poetry, and maybe some of it is ergodic with scans of manic notes or bits of Manifesto Project, and maybe I just own the hypertextuality of the medium, but it's generally autobiographical. +It doesn't need to be totally true, and maybe some stuff gets pretty floaty, and maybe some stuff winds up as poetry, and maybe some of it is ergodic with scans of notes or bits of other projects scattered throughout, and maybe I just own the hypertextuality of the medium, but it's generally autobiographical. That might be neat diff --git a/content/ally/025.md b/content/ally/025.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..a5188c7 --- /dev/null +++ b/content/ally/025.md @@ -0,0 +1,27 @@ +--- +date: 2019-09-23 +--- + +> You were gone. + +I was out of town, yes. Out of town and cramming in as much work as I can during these last few weeks at the Archive. + +> You were gone. Not just from writing, but from home, from ritual, from reality. You were someone else. Your head was elsewhere. + +That's a bit dramatic, isn't it? + +> Are you not a different person at conventions? Are you not a different person when living in a different home with someone else? + +Maybe. I like to think of it as postprocessing. The picture you take is fixed and largely unchanging, but you can process it into different things with different filters. The person I am is fixed and largely unchanging, but some people and some places bring out, say, artsy black-and-whites, while others bring out glossy, oversaturated colors + +> And yet when you were out, you weren't engaging with some parts of your life. Ones you might otherwise consider integral. No for-fun software, no music, no chat, no writing. + +Were you lonely? + +> Not my department. + +I suppose I was. Even at the convention, even seeing two different partners, I was lonely. Or, if it could be said of things rather than people, I was lonely for not having those fulfilling aspects about. I missed writing, I missed you. + +> I wasn't gone. + +I know. It's not even like when we don't talk. You were there. I just wasn't able to engage, and that's an integral part of our relationship. It happens from moment to moment. It is not something that exists in any sense of permanence or stasis. It is defined by movement and momentum. diff --git a/content/ally/026.md b/content/ally/026.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..2118242 --- /dev/null +++ b/content/ally/026.md @@ -0,0 +1,47 @@ +--- +date: 2019-09-23 +--- + +Apophenia + +> What? + +Apophenia. Connections. Imaginary lines traced from topic to topic in cheap butcher's twine. + +> And the topics? + +Imaginary. Or real, but only half remembered. I'm spinning a web. + +> Are you catching something? + +You? + +> Are you answering with a question? + +I'm unsure. + +> You're not catching me in that. + +You sound so final. + +> Not my department. + +Right. Is that a fact, then? I'm not catching you in this web. Are you the web? + +> Not my department. + +The spaces between, then. The negative spaces outlined by twine wrapped around pins. There are connections-- + +> Or not. + +--or not, and there are topics, imaginary or not, and then there's you, there, in the place between. You, the liminal creature. You, defined by absence. + +> Presence and absence are not my department, either. + +Are you some cousin to apophenia, then? Some relative to that *unmotivated seeing of connections accompanied by a specific feeling of abnormal meaningfulness*? Are you that numinous, abnormal meaningfulness? + +> I am easier to define in negatives. I am not presence and absence, but between them. Beyond them. Your ally, but not your friend. Real enough to impinge on your reality, but totally imaginary. **Not** here. **Not** doing. **Not** thinking, feeling, acting. + +So, are you? + +> Anything else is just pareidolia. diff --git a/content/ally/027.md b/content/ally/027.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..e69de29 diff --git a/content/transition/index.html b/content/gender/index.html similarity index 100% rename from content/transition/index.html rename to content/gender/index.html diff --git a/content/gender/surgery/01.md b/content/gender/surgery/01.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..3f4b5b7 --- /dev/null +++ b/content/gender/surgery/01.md @@ -0,0 +1,9 @@ +--- +--- + +
Saturday is for mechanics. +Sunday is for terror. +Monday is for acceptance. +Tuesday is for purging. +Wednesday is for anxiety. +Thursday is for sleep.
diff --git a/content/gender/surgery/02.md b/content/gender/surgery/02.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..39e4abc --- /dev/null +++ b/content/gender/surgery/02.md @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +--- +--- + +The oh-god-it's-happening feeling diff --git a/content/gender/surgery/03.md b/content/gender/surgery/03.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..453e2b4 --- /dev/null +++ b/content/gender/surgery/03.md @@ -0,0 +1,6 @@ +--- +--- + +
When I am asleep +The world changes around me. +In spring, I am changed.
diff --git a/content/gender/surgery/04.md b/content/gender/surgery/04.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..b5c1f75 --- /dev/null +++ b/content/gender/surgery/04.md @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +--- +--- + +The surgery diff --git a/content/gender/surgery/05.md b/content/gender/surgery/05.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..b17b373 --- /dev/null +++ b/content/gender/surgery/05.md @@ -0,0 +1,58 @@ +--- +--- + +
I'm no good at images, only words, +and yet for days after surgery, +as anesthesia and countless + milligrams, milliliters, millions of +drugs leave my system, +I'm lousy with visions, +each lousy with meaning. + +I lay in bed, unable to move, +struggling to keep my eyes open; +I know that if I close them, + I'll be lost, I'll be lost, I'll be +mired in waking dreams, +coherent visions with all the logic +of that paler side of consciousness. + +Perhaps the veil here +is still too thin and vague, +the pool too clear, the monsters too scary + too lean, too mean, too hungry, or +perhaps I was too close to death +to come away totally unscathed, +too close to completely survive. + + It's as though, laying here, + stinking of hospital, + I'm seeing emotions play out, + Scene after scene, scene after scene, + anxiety shown in heaps of discarded entrails, + hope in the ceaseless ratcheting of gears, + determination in the marching of feet. + +If I were an artist, perhaps +I could hope to touch these images, +but as it is, every word falls short, + too vague, too inexact, too tight to +hope to explain something so vast +by the very act of attempting to reproduce; +I can only hint from the margins. + +That poetry can accomplish what prose cannot +in its economy of motion +is attractive to me, here in recovery - + so tired, so tired, so tired - so +maybe I can hope to express the dire import +of these visions dancing behind closed lids, +or at least remind myself on rereading. + +Even now, a week out, +I'm starting to lose touch with the visions, +I can almost touch them if I squint, + lie real still, don't move now, but +even then, a shadow of the substance... +I'm starting to consign to memory +that which was probably memory to begin with.
diff --git a/content/gender/surgery/06.md b/content/gender/surgery/06.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..f8fd02f --- /dev/null +++ b/content/gender/surgery/06.md @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +--- +--- + +The hospital and airbnb diff --git a/content/gender/surgery/07.md b/content/gender/surgery/07.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..ad79e81 --- /dev/null +++ b/content/gender/surgery/07.md @@ -0,0 +1,15 @@ +
It is two hundred miles between what I expect and what I want. +Two hundred long strides that seem impassible from one direction, + and from the other a day's short drive. + +It is nine and a half hours between question and answer. +A half hour of jazz, nine hours of sleep, a scant second of perspective, + and I can only traverse in one direction + +It is eleven inches between who I was and who I am. +Ten of those inches are pain, the eleventh is numb, + There's pleasure to be had in there, I'm promised. + +It is twelve years between what I want and what I get: +Ten years of remembering who I will become, two years running, + Eight days dreaming.
diff --git a/content/gender/surgery/08.md b/content/gender/surgery/08.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..83daa06 --- /dev/null +++ b/content/gender/surgery/08.md @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +--- +--- + +the drive home mixed with retrospection diff --git a/content/gender/surgery/09.md b/content/gender/surgery/09.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..dc937b5 --- /dev/null +++ b/content/gender/surgery/09.md @@ -0,0 +1,51 @@ +--- +--- + +
What have you changed? + My mind +What changed you? + Nothing +What became of it? + I am not who I was + +What have you changed? + My name +What changed you? + The word +What became of it? + I am called who I am + +What have you changed? + My looks +What changed you? + The light +What became of it? + I am seen as I am + +What have you changed? + My chemistry +What changed you? + The substance +What became of it? + My form is my own + +What have you changed? + My body +What changed you? + The knife +What became of it? + I am shaped how I am + +What have you changed? + Nothing +What changed you? + I was accepted +What became of it? + I accepted myself + +What have you changed? + Everything +What changed you? + Everything +What became of it? + I became who I am
diff --git a/content/gender/surgery/_index.md b/content/gender/surgery/_index.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..a547b8b --- /dev/null +++ b/content/gender/surgery/_index.md @@ -0,0 +1,7 @@ +--- +type: serial +--- + + diff --git a/content/news/2019-09-24-coping-mechanisms.md b/content/news/2019-09-24-coping-mechanisms.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..bbbed3d --- /dev/null +++ b/content/news/2019-09-24-coping-mechanisms.md @@ -0,0 +1,28 @@ +--- +title: Coping mechanisms +date: 2019-09-24 +--- + +The upside to a complicated two-and-a-half week visit following shortly after a complicated two-and-a-half week visit is that I have rather a lot to talk about. The downside is that getting back into the rhythm is difficult. + + + +> No one ever said this would be easy. + +Well, sure, but that phrase is usually applied to something more emotional than the sheer mechanics of getting back into the writing flow. + +> It's all work. None of the work will be easy, emotional or mechanical. + +Fair enough. + +> Besides, is what you wrote about easy stuff? + +### New content + +* [ally 25](/25) through 27 +* [Polyamory 4](/poly/4) through 6 +* [Sex](/sex) + +### Updated content + +* Some tuning on [the front page](/). diff --git a/content/poly/04.md b/content/poly/04.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..646da30 --- /dev/null +++ b/content/poly/04.md @@ -0,0 +1,65 @@ +--- +date: 2019-09-23 +weight: 4 +--- + +Relationship anarchy, as a topic, seems to draw heavily from both poly folks and queer folks. In fact, the three ideas are so heavily intertwined that it's difficult to have one without the others. Poly? Well, there's a good chance that there are some queer aspects to your relationship. + +And if you're queer and at least of a certain age, relationship anarchy is baked into your soul. If your society sets up a "natural" relationship progression and then bars an entire class from entry to that progression, subversive and transgressive relationship structures form as a matter of course. + +> Queer people, queer relationships. + +Yes. June, 2004: + +
Queer hair, queer mouth, queer brain, +queer sleeves, queer shoes, +queer toes, queer nails, +queer fingers, queer palms, hairy palms, +queer wrists, limp wrists, +queer arms, +queer shoulders, arms around shoulders, +queer neck, sensitive neck, +queer hair, curly, +queer ears, sensitive ears, eargasmic, +queer cheek, blushing cheek, +queer nose, got it from my dad, +queer eyes, queer colors, got them from my grandpa, +queer eyebrows, but not as queer as some, +queer face, too long, +queer chest, too skinny, +queer belly, padded, +queer crotch, go figure, +queer thighs, better believe it, +queer knees, queer calfs, queer ankles, queer legs, flexible, +queer feet, still smell, +queer guy, no surprise.
+ +When you're queer, *being queer* is baked into just about everything about you, but most especially in your relationships. "Minority identity acts as a force multiplier on social dynamics," as Orrery put it. + +> And so? + +And so, being hopelessly queer, I wind up in relationships that are hopelessly queer. + +> Except when you don't. + +Yes. And when I don't, there's such a fundamental mismatch of understanding that I feel uncomfortable in my own skin. + +Something that queer relationships miss, or at least reconfigure to their own ends, is the relationship escalator, that heteronormative idea that one gets on at the ground floor of friendship and gets off at the top with marriage, or one can stop off at any of the other floors to stop for a while, or to step off entirely when the relationship ends. + +It's not a bad idea, either. It's not as old as some would have you think, but in today's society, it works quite well. + +> Does the divorce rate agree with you there? + +Is that just another step on the escalator? + +> Touché. + +In nonheteronormaitve relationships, the idea is muddied. The friends-dating-marriage-children set of steps, originally shattered whe marriage was made illegal and adoption banned for large swaths of queer folks, just doesn't fit. The barrier between friends and dating, as well as between dating and permanent relationship, is thin, osmotic. + +> Suddenly, you're in a relationship. Suddenly, you're saying "I love you." + +Yes. Suddenly, organically, though not for lack of deliberation. There's much talking, if everything goes right, much working out of boundaries. It's just that there are fewer milestones. + +> Why do you bring this up? You're not writing an article. Out with it. + +Right. diff --git a/content/poly/05.md b/content/poly/05.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..eda6cdc --- /dev/null +++ b/content/poly/05.md @@ -0,0 +1,34 @@ +--- +date: 2019-09-23 +weight: 5 +--- + +If poly is queer, in that it's not relationship-normative, then I'm queer. If being trans is queer because it's not gender-normative, then I'm queer. If my identity blurs lines, then I'm queer. + +If I'm in a relationship with someone, then, is that a queer relationship? Is my partner queer? + +> What would they say? + +I don't know. I haven't gotten to the point of talking to myself about this yet, much less talking with them. That's what this process is, isn't it? + +> So what would you say, then? + +My gut instinct says that, since I'm trans, I've transgressed the lines of gender-normative relationships; since I'm poly, I've transgressed the lines of relationship-normative relationships. That, since I am queer, the relationship must be as well. + +> But? + +But it doesn't really feel like it. I feel like a girlfriend. Barac feels like a boyfriend. I feel like I've stepped onto an escalator, here. + +> There is an error in your gut instinct: it does not take into account that, in a relationship between two people, there are more than just two actors. There is you, there is your past, there is Barac and his, and there is society, influencing all four of you. That you are queer and that Barac does not consider himself to be is beside the point. Society, Barac, and Barac's past all think of this as a straight relationship --- or a take on one, at least --- and that's overwhelming your gut instinct, which only has access to you, and limited access to your past. + +Is that why I feel contention, then? Is that why there are an odd number of actors in this situation? + +> Perhaps. Perhaps you are feeling contention because you are having to work, for once, rather than slot smoothly into a relationship. + +My other relationships have taken work, though. + +> Your other partners have spoken the same language as you. It was easier to coordinate that work. You and Barac are having to learn each other's language as you go along. + +Robin and I had to learn the language of poly when we were starting out together. Judith and I and Colton and I both had our own things to learn as our relationships grew. + +> Yes, but you all spoke queer. None of you really spoke normative, a skill you're having to learn late in life. diff --git a/content/poly/06.md b/content/poly/06.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..cba077a --- /dev/null +++ b/content/poly/06.md @@ -0,0 +1,30 @@ +--- +date: 2019-09-23 +weight: 6 +--- + +I've been married for seven years. Robin and I have been together for more than five. My polycule has grown steadily over the years, and I have to wonder: how much of my polyamory, my relationship anarchy is a coping mechanism for how I was raised? + +> Does it matter? + +Yes, I think it does. *Early on, I promised myself that I would do anything to not become my dad,* I said. I wanted to stay away from serial monogamy. I wanted to talk more and perform less within my relationships. I wanted to be an improvement upon what I saw growing up. + +If I'm poly because I'm coping for my past once again, have I really grown? Or have I fallen into the trap just on the other side of the path? + +If I'm coping for my childhood, what would I leave my children coping with? + +> Again, does it matter? You must walk a fine line between the selfish and selfless when working with reality. In order to be happy, you need to not repeat the past, as you've said --- a selfish act. But worrying about counterfactuals with non-existent entities, being **too** selfless in this, will only set you back in your own growth. + +Perhaps I'm worried that if poly and such are just coping mechanisms, my relationships might be somehow less real, less earnest than if they weren't. Perhaps I'm worried that I'm doing a disservice to my partners by using them to overcome my own failings. + +> This is impostor syndrome, not using people. No relationship is perfect, all that matters is that you're approaching these honestly, earnestly, and with your whole heart. Even then, there will be friction occasionally. Your parents gave you stuff to cope with, and you would give your children stuff to cope with too. + +Guess it's a good thing I don't have kids. + +> Let's talk about kink. + +Oh my *god*. + +> Alas, had I a face, I would be able to smirk. Imagine that for me, will you? + +You know what? Now's as good a time as any. diff --git a/content/self-harm/suicide/.keep b/content/self-harm/suicide/.keep new file mode 100644 index 0000000..e69de29 diff --git a/content/sex/_index.md b/content/sex/_index.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..0cdf888 --- /dev/null +++ b/content/sex/_index.md @@ -0,0 +1,14 @@ +--- +type: serial +--- + + diff --git a/content/sex/kink/_index.md b/content/sex/kink/_index.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..a72ad4b --- /dev/null +++ b/content/sex/kink/_index.md @@ -0,0 +1,15 @@ +--- +type: serial +--- + + diff --git a/themes/ally/layouts/_default/list.html b/themes/ally/layouts/_default/list.html index f2f4892..9ce46e8 100644 --- a/themes/ally/layouts/_default/list.html +++ b/themes/ally/layouts/_default/list.html @@ -3,6 +3,7 @@ {{ .Content }} {{ $paginator := .Paginate (where .Pages.ByPublishDate.Reverse ".Params.date" "!=" nil) 1 }} {{ range $paginator.Pages.ByWeight }} +

{{ .Date.Format "January 2, 2006" }}

{{ .Content }} {{ end }} {{ partial "pagination.html" . }} diff --git a/themes/ally/layouts/_default/single.html b/themes/ally/layouts/_default/single.html index 9b49c8e..8c8c069 100644 --- a/themes/ally/layouts/_default/single.html +++ b/themes/ally/layouts/_default/single.html @@ -1,5 +1,6 @@ {{ define "main" }}
+

{{ .Date.Format "January 2, 2006" }}

{{ .Content }}
{{end}} diff --git a/themes/ally/layouts/core/list.html b/themes/ally/layouts/core/list.html index 5e35e40..d584826 100644 --- a/themes/ally/layouts/core/list.html +++ b/themes/ally/layouts/core/list.html @@ -3,6 +3,7 @@ {{ .Content }} {{ $paginator := .Paginate (and (where .Pages ".Params.date" "!=" nil) (where .Pages ".Type" "==" "ally")) 1 }} {{ range $paginator.Pages.ByWeight }} +

{{ .Date.Format "January 2, 2006" }}

{{ .Content }} {{ end }} {{ partial "pagination.html" . }} diff --git a/themes/ally/layouts/news/list.html b/themes/ally/layouts/news/list.html index 63fc200..2ab05fb 100644 --- a/themes/ally/layouts/news/list.html +++ b/themes/ally/layouts/news/list.html @@ -4,7 +4,7 @@ {{ $paginator := .Paginate (where .Pages.ByPublishDate.Reverse ".Params.date" "!=" nil) 10 }} {{ range $paginator.Pages.ByPublishDate.Reverse }}

{{ .Params.title }}

- {{ dateFormat "Monday, Jan 2, 2006" .Date }} + {{ .Date.Format "Monday, Jan 2, 2006" }}

{{ .Summary }}

{{ end }} {{ partial "pagination.html" . }} diff --git a/themes/ally/layouts/news/single.html b/themes/ally/layouts/news/single.html index 0b8e66d..a80337b 100644 --- a/themes/ally/layouts/news/single.html +++ b/themes/ally/layouts/news/single.html @@ -1,7 +1,7 @@ {{ define "main" }}

{{ .Params.title }}

- {{ dateFormat "Monday, Jan 2, 2006" .Date }} + {{ .Date.Format "Monday, Jan 2, 2006" }} {{ .Content }}
{{end}} diff --git a/themes/ally/layouts/partials/pagination.html b/themes/ally/layouts/partials/pagination.html index e54bf44..bfaded9 100644 --- a/themes/ally/layouts/partials/pagination.html +++ b/themes/ally/layouts/partials/pagination.html @@ -3,7 +3,7 @@ diff --git a/themes/ally/layouts/serial/list.html b/themes/ally/layouts/serial/list.html index 6f9bdda..8eac24f 100644 --- a/themes/ally/layouts/serial/list.html +++ b/themes/ally/layouts/serial/list.html @@ -3,6 +3,7 @@ {{ .Content }} {{ $paginator := .Paginate (where .Pages ".Params.date" "!=" nil) 1 }} {{ range $paginator.Pages.ByWeight }} +

{{ .Date.Format "January 2, 2006" }}

{{ .Content }} {{ end }} {{ partial "pagination.html" . }} diff --git a/themes/ally/layouts/single/list.html b/themes/ally/layouts/single/list.html index 9b49c8e..8c8c069 100644 --- a/themes/ally/layouts/single/list.html +++ b/themes/ally/layouts/single/list.html @@ -1,5 +1,6 @@ {{ define "main" }}
+

{{ .Date.Format "January 2, 2006" }}

{{ .Content }}
{{end}} diff --git a/themes/ally/static/css/main.css b/themes/ally/static/css/main.css index d0fc47e..252d873 100644 --- a/themes/ally/static/css/main.css +++ b/themes/ally/static/css/main.css @@ -76,6 +76,12 @@ main { padding: 1rem; font-family: 'Gentium Book Basic', serif; } +.date { + font-size: 10pt; + opacity: 0.3; + font-family: 'Merriweather Sans', sans-serif; + margin: 0; +} footer { color: #888; font-size: 12pt; @@ -177,13 +183,13 @@ ul.pagination li:first-of-type { } ul.pagination .page-item.too-many { - color: #666; + opacity: 0.5; margin: 0 14px 0 7px; font-style: italic; } ul.pagination .page-item.disabled a { - color: #666; + opacity: 0.4; border: none; cursor: text; }