From de3b9787b2f540ec942f392422ba3e0bddec30bf Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001 From: Madison Scott-Clary Date: Sat, 21 Dec 2019 18:35:21 -0800 Subject: [PATCH 01/17] Start on surgery --- content/gender/surgery/02.md | 45 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++---- 1 file changed, 41 insertions(+), 4 deletions(-) diff --git a/content/gender/surgery/02.md b/content/gender/surgery/02.md index 5c899aa..7b416e9 100644 --- a/content/gender/surgery/02.md +++ b/content/gender/surgery/02.md @@ -1,9 +1,46 @@ --- -#date: 2019-10-30 -#weight: 2 +date: 2019-12-21 +weight: 2 --- -I don't think it hit home that surgery was real until six weeks beforehand. Not that I thought it was not going to happen --- though there was some of that, of course --- but that it was something truly surreal. Some unknown and unknowable procedure would happen, and then I would be on the other side. It was almost eldritch: I would close my eyes to miss the madness and awake changed. +
It is surprisingly hard to think something real +when every indication, every word, all you feel +tells you that that must not be the case. +There's no easy way to make yourself face +that which your emotions continually deny, +no matter how true you know it to be. +                 But why +must all these contradictions claim events +that mean the most to us? What prevents +them from taking the unimportant? The small? +Is the import just to big? Can we not fit all +of the thing in our heads? Are we too weak? +Is the life-changing too fast to explore, to seek +out every corner? +
Have you considered that your constant seeking +may be the problem? That your anxieties leaking +all over may be what's preventing you +from recognizing what's actually true: +you can do things for yourself. It's allowed.
+It also doesn't help that there were so many delays. +The scheduler losing my application, and me counting days +after those who consulted after me got their dates; +The mishap of the letters, and me rushing past gates +and their keepers; countless thoughts of countless regrets — +regrets which hadn't yet happened — as mom frets +that maybe I will wind up hating my new body. +And why not? Why not fret? Surgery! How gaudy. +I fight with myself enough over how this surgery +is plastic, how I'm just doing something sugary +to somehow make myself somewhat more appealing. +How trite. How selfish. How lame. How revealing +of my bottomless shallowness. +
Your saving grace being, as always, dysphoria: +more than any cough or cold, more than your chorea, +it provided you with a problem. Something fixable. +It gave you a tangible solution to something integral +that plagued you.
+ From b489716c4a58dcbcb75dcf80c3704484eda2a1cc Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001 From: Madison Scott-Clary Date: Sat, 21 Dec 2019 18:38:08 -0800 Subject: [PATCH 02/17] Uh...hugo? --- content/gender/surgery/02.md | 1 + 1 file changed, 1 insertion(+) diff --git a/content/gender/surgery/02.md b/content/gender/surgery/02.md index 7b416e9..6035c14 100644 --- a/content/gender/surgery/02.md +++ b/content/gender/surgery/02.md @@ -40,6 +40,7 @@ more than any cough or cold, more than your chorea, it provided you with a problem. Something fixable. It gave you a tangible solution to something integral that plagued you. + diff --git a/content/gender/surgery/notes.md b/content/gender/surgery/notes.md deleted file mode 100644 index b191e87..0000000 --- a/content/gender/surgery/notes.md +++ /dev/null @@ -1,65 +0,0 @@ -* Surgery - * Decisions - * Deciding on surgery - * Deciding on a surgeon - * First round prep - * Getting letters (part 1) - * Getting the consult - * The consult - * The problem of hair - * Laser - * Electrolysis - * Leading up to surgery - * Getting letters (part 2) - * The pre-op appointments - * Mom visit - * Bowel prep - * Driving and the night before - * Surgery - * The morning of - * Waking up and the first night - * The hospital stay - * The bed - * Bed rest - * Bowel movements - * Breathing and fever - * The dressing - * The first sight - * Nerves mapping - * Anxiety and pain - * Medications - * timing - * Oxy/tylenol - * The heat - * The packing - * The drains - * The catheter - * The packing itself - * Peeing and showering - * The post-op stay - * The drive to the Airbnb - * Getting partner - * Drainage - * Showering and company - * Bacitracin - * Getting off oxy - * Getting comfortable - * Walking with cane - * Post-op visit - * Leaving Airbnb - * Powell's - * Getting there early - * Kat Campos and getting dilators - * Home - * The drive home - * Seeing dogs - * Dilating - * Shopping - * Healing - * Dilating and increasing size - * PT - * Lifting - * Walking - * Breathing - * Tensing/muscle control/kegels - * Healing well diff --git a/themes/ally/layouts/_default/list.html b/themes/ally/layouts/_default/list.html index 9ce46e8..9604db6 100644 --- a/themes/ally/layouts/_default/list.html +++ b/themes/ally/layouts/_default/list.html @@ -1,10 +1,13 @@ {{ define "main" }} -
- {{ .Content }} - {{ $paginator := .Paginate (where .Pages.ByPublishDate.Reverse ".Params.date" "!=" nil) 1 }} - {{ range $paginator.Pages.ByWeight }} -

{{ .Date.Format "January 2, 2006" }}

- {{ .Content }} +{{ $paginator := .Paginate (where .Pages.ByPublishDate.Reverse ".Params.date" "!=" nil) 1 }} +{{ $content := .Content }} +{{ range $paginator.Pages.ByWeight }} +
+ {{ $content }} +
+

{{ .Date.Format "January 2, 2006" }}

+ {{ .Content }} +
{{ end }} {{ partial "pagination.html" . }}
diff --git a/themes/ally/layouts/serial/list.html b/themes/ally/layouts/serial/list.html index 8eac24f..51fc924 100644 --- a/themes/ally/layouts/serial/list.html +++ b/themes/ally/layouts/serial/list.html @@ -1,10 +1,13 @@ {{ define "main" }} -
- {{ .Content }} - {{ $paginator := .Paginate (where .Pages ".Params.date" "!=" nil) 1 }} - {{ range $paginator.Pages.ByWeight }} -

{{ .Date.Format "January 2, 2006" }}

- {{ .Content }} +{{ $paginator := .Paginate (where .Pages.ByPublishDate.Reverse ".Params.date" "!=" nil) 1 }} +{{ $content := .Content }} +{{ range $paginator.Pages.ByWeight }} +
+ {{ $content }} +
+

{{ .Date.Format "January 2, 2006" }}

+ {{ .Content }} +
{{ end }} {{ partial "pagination.html" . }} {{ if (isset .Params "back") }} diff --git a/themes/ally/static/css/main.css b/themes/ally/static/css/main.css index 455f78a..b904929 100644 --- a/themes/ally/static/css/main.css +++ b/themes/ally/static/css/main.css @@ -29,6 +29,7 @@ a { .zoom a { border: none; font-size: 2em; + outline: none !important; } abbr { text-decoration: none; @@ -86,7 +87,13 @@ main { } main.full { max-width: 100%; - text-align: center; +} +main.full svg { + margin: auto; +} +main.fit .page .verse { + white-space: pre; + overflow-x: scroll; } main.fit svg { max-width: 100%; @@ -122,6 +129,9 @@ blockquote em { white-space: pre-wrap; margin-top: 0; } +.verse blockquote { + margin-bottom: 0; +} .cw { color: #800; text-align: right; @@ -238,3 +248,12 @@ ul.pagination .page-item.active a { border: none; cursor: text; } + +@media only screen and (max-width: 500px) { + main.fit .page .verse { + font-size: 10pt; + } + main.fit .page .verse blockquote { + font-size: 8pt; + } +} From 4d42533e359f85f494f944ba11364306e47d59bb Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001 From: Madison Scott-Clary Date: Mon, 23 Dec 2019 01:05:36 -0800 Subject: [PATCH 06/17] Fuuuuck --- themes/ally/layouts/serial/list.html | 2 +- 1 file changed, 1 insertion(+), 1 deletion(-) diff --git a/themes/ally/layouts/serial/list.html b/themes/ally/layouts/serial/list.html index 51fc924..1cb9b7e 100644 --- a/themes/ally/layouts/serial/list.html +++ b/themes/ally/layouts/serial/list.html @@ -1,5 +1,5 @@ {{ define "main" }} -{{ $paginator := .Paginate (where .Pages.ByPublishDate.Reverse ".Params.date" "!=" nil) 1 }} +{{ $paginator := .Paginate (where .Pages.ByWeight ".Params.date" "!=" nil) 1 }} {{ $content := .Content }} {{ range $paginator.Pages.ByWeight }}
From 9cd914f40ee7aa51c02fd5d66b838300329ae21c Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001 From: Madison Scott-Clary Date: Mon, 23 Dec 2019 01:27:33 -0800 Subject: [PATCH 07/17] map --- content/map.html | 1481 +++++++++++++++++++++++----------------------- static/map.dot | 39 +- static/map.svg | 1481 +++++++++++++++++++++++----------------------- 3 files changed, 1530 insertions(+), 1471 deletions(-) diff --git a/content/map.html b/content/map.html index 94d6681..a96cad3 100644 --- a/content/map.html +++ b/content/map.html @@ -5,11 +5,11 @@ fit: true - - + + Map - + Aside 1 @@ -224,7 +224,7 @@ fit: true - + Dad 11->ally 16 @@ -329,7 +329,7 @@ fit: true - + Poet and Mystic 7->Aside 3 @@ -350,7 +350,7 @@ fit: true - + Poet and Mystic 8->Dreams 2 @@ -455,7 +455,7 @@ fit: true - + Poet and Mystic 13->Agony and Ecstasy @@ -719,7 +719,7 @@ fit: true - + From within 6->ally 12 @@ -764,7 +764,7 @@ fit: true - + Jay 3->Dreams 1 @@ -869,7 +869,7 @@ fit: true - + Liminal 4->Aside 2 @@ -935,7 +935,7 @@ fit: true - + Liminal 8->Dad 1 @@ -950,7 +950,7 @@ fit: true - + Poly 1->Jay 1 @@ -1040,7 +1040,7 @@ fit: true - + Poly 6->Sex 1 @@ -1100,7 +1100,7 @@ fit: true - + Sex 4->Kink 1 @@ -1420,17 +1420,17 @@ fit: true Manic notes 1 - - -Manic notes 1 + + +Manic notes 1 - + ally 8->Manic notes 1 - - + + @@ -1457,13 +1457,13 @@ fit: true - + ally 9->Birds 1 - + ally 10->Poly 1 @@ -1484,7 +1484,7 @@ fit: true - + ally 11->From within 1 @@ -1526,22 +1526,22 @@ fit: true - + Furry 1 - - -Furry 1 + + +Furry 1 - + ally 13->Furry 1 - - + + - + ally 14->Aside 1 @@ -1562,7 +1562,7 @@ fit: true - + ally 15->Liminal 1 @@ -1574,7 +1574,7 @@ fit: true - + ally 16->Poet and Mystic 1 @@ -1610,22 +1610,22 @@ fit: true - + Writing 1 - - -Writing 1 + + +Writing 1 - + ally 17->Writing 1 - + ally 18->Software 1 @@ -1721,16 +1721,16 @@ fit: true - + Movement 1 - - -Movement 1 + + +Movement 1 - + ally 23->Movement 1 @@ -1811,7 +1811,7 @@ fit: true - + ally 29->Burnout 1 @@ -1890,1487 +1890,1514 @@ fit: true Koan 1 - - -Koan 1 + + +Koan 1 Koan 2 - - -Koan 2 + + +Koan 2 Koan 1->Koan 2 - - + + Koan 3 - - -Koan 3 + + +Koan 3 Koan 2->Koan 3 - - + + Koan 4 - - -Koan 4 + + +Koan 4 Koan 3->Koan 4 - - + + Koan 5 - - -Koan 5 + + +Koan 5 Koan 4->Koan 5 - - + + Koan 6 - - -Koan 6 + + +Koan 6 Koan 5->Koan 6 - - - - - -Furry 1->Koan 1 - - - - - -Furry 2 - - -Furry 2 - - - - - -Furry 1->Furry 2 - - - - - -Furry 3 - - -Furry 3 - - - - - -Furry 2->Furry 3 - - + + - + Fursoñas 1 - - -Fursoñas 1 + + +Fursoñas 1 - - -Furry 2->Fursoñas 1 - - - - - -Furry 4 - - -Furry 4 - - - - - -Furry 3->Furry 4 - - - - - -Furry 5 - - -Furry 5 - - - - - -Furry 4->Furry 5 - - - - - -Furry 6 - - -Furry 6 - - - - - -Furry 5->Furry 6 - - - - - -Furry 7 - - -Furry 7 - - - - - -Furry 6->Furry 7 - - - - - -Margaras 1 - - -Margaras 1 - - - - - -Furry 6->Margaras 1 - - - - - -Younes 1 - - -Younes 1 - - - - - -Furry 7->Younes 1 - - - - + Fursoñas 2 - - -Fursoñas 2 + + +Fursoñas 2 - + Fursoñas 1->Fursoñas 2 - - + + - + Fursoñas 3 - - -Fursoñas 3 + + +Fursoñas 3 - + Fursoñas 2->Fursoñas 3 - - + + - + Fursoñas 4 - - -Fursoñas 4 + + +Fursoñas 4 - + Fursoñas 3->Fursoñas 4 - - + + - + Fursoñas 5 - - -Fursoñas 5 + + +Fursoñas 5 - + Fursoñas 4->Fursoñas 5 - - + + - + Fursoñas 6 - - -Fursoñas 6 + + +Fursoñas 6 - + Fursoñas 5->Fursoñas 6 - - + + - + Fursoñas 7 - - -Fursoñas 7 + + +Fursoñas 7 - + Fursoñas 6->Fursoñas 7 - - + + - + Fursoñas 8 - - -Fursoñas 8 + + +Fursoñas 8 - + Fursoñas 7->Fursoñas 8 - - + + + + + +Furry 1->Koan 1 + + + + + +Furry 2 + + +Furry 2 + + + + + +Furry 1->Furry 2 + + + + + +Furry 2->Fursoñas 1 + + + + + +Furry 3 + + +Furry 3 + + + + + +Furry 2->Furry 3 + + + + + +Furry 4 + + +Furry 4 + + + + + +Furry 3->Furry 4 + + + + + +Furry 5 + + +Furry 5 + + + + + +Furry 4->Furry 5 + + + + + +Furry 6 + + +Furry 6 + + + + + +Furry 5->Furry 6 + + + + + +Furry 7 + + +Furry 7 + + + + + +Furry 6->Furry 7 + + + + + +Margaras 1 + + +Margaras 1 + + + + + +Furry 6->Margaras 1 + + + + + +Younes 1 + + +Younes 1 + + + + + +Furry 7->Younes 1 + + Margaras 2 - - -Margaras 2 + + +Margaras 2 Margaras 1->Margaras 2 - - + + Margaras 3 - - -Margaras 3 + + +Margaras 3 Margaras 2->Margaras 3 - - + + Margaras 4 - - -Margaras 4 + + +Margaras 4 Margaras 3->Margaras 4 - - + + Margaras 5 - - -Margaras 5 + + +Margaras 5 Margaras 4->Margaras 5 - - + + Margaras 6 - - -Margaras 6 + + +Margaras 6 Margaras 5->Margaras 6 - - + + Younes 2 - - -Younes 2 + + +Younes 2 Younes 1->Younes 2 - - + + Younes 3 - - -Younes 3 + + +Younes 3 Younes 2->Younes 3 - - + + - + Self-harm 1 - - -Self-harm 1 + + +Self-harm 1 - + Younes 3->Self-harm 1 - - + + Manic notes 2 - - -Manic notes 2 + + +Manic notes 2 Manic notes 1->Manic notes 2 - - + + Manic notes 3 - - -Manic notes 3 + + +Manic notes 3 Manic notes 2->Manic notes 3 - - + + Manic notes 4 - - -Manic notes 4 + + +Manic notes 4 Manic notes 3->Manic notes 4 - - + + Manic notes 5 - - -Manic notes 5 + + +Manic notes 5 Manic notes 4->Manic notes 5 - - + + Manifesto Project 1 - - -Manifesto Project 1 + + +Manifesto Project 1 - + Manic notes 4->Manifesto Project 1 - - + + Manifesto Project 2 - - -Manifesto Project 2 + + +Manifesto Project 2 Manifesto Project 1->Manifesto Project 2 - - + + Manifesto Project 3 - - -Manifesto Project 3 + + +Manifesto Project 3 Manifesto Project 2->Manifesto Project 3 - - + + Manifesto Project 4 - - -Manifesto Project 4 + + +Manifesto Project 4 Manifesto Project 3->Manifesto Project 4 - - + + Manifesto Project 5 - - -Manifesto Project 5 + + +Manifesto Project 5 Manifesto Project 4->Manifesto Project 5 - - + + Manifesto Project 6 - - -Manifesto Project 6 + + +Manifesto Project 6 Manifesto Project 5->Manifesto Project 6 - - + + Manifesto Project 7 - - -Manifesto Project 7 + + +Manifesto Project 7 Manifesto Project 6->Manifesto Project 7 - - + + Manifesto Project 8 - - -Manifesto Project 8 + + +Manifesto Project 8 Manifesto Project 7->Manifesto Project 8 - - + + Manifesto Project 9 - - -Manifesto Project 9 + + +Manifesto Project 9 Manifesto Project 8->Manifesto Project 9 - - + + Manifesto Project 10 - - -Manifesto Project 10 + + +Manifesto Project 10 Manifesto Project 9->Manifesto Project 10 - - + + Manifesto Project 11 - - -Manifesto Project 11 + + +Manifesto Project 11 Manifesto Project 10->Manifesto Project 11 - - + + Manifesto Project 12 - - -Manifesto Project 12 + + +Manifesto Project 12 Manifesto Project 11->Manifesto Project 12 - - + + Manifesto Project 13 - - -Manifesto Project 13 + + +Manifesto Project 13 Manifesto Project 12->Manifesto Project 13 - - + + Manifesto Project 14 - - -Manifesto Project 14 + + +Manifesto Project 14 Manifesto Project 13->Manifesto Project 14 - - + + Gender 1 - - -Gender 1 + + +Gender 1 Gender 2 - - -Gender 2 + + +Gender 2 Gender 1->Gender 2 - - + + Gender 3 - - -Gender 3 + + +Gender 3 Gender 2->Gender 3 - - + + Gender 4 - - -Gender 4 + + +Gender 4 Gender 3->Gender 4 - - + + Gender 5 - - -Gender 5 + + +Gender 5 Gender 4->Gender 5 - - + + Gender 6 - - -Gender 6 + + +Gender 6 Gender 5->Gender 6 - - + + Gender 7 - - -Gender 7 + + +Gender 7 Gender 6->Gender 7 - - + + Surgery 1 - - -Surgery 1 + + +Surgery 1 - + Gender 6->Surgery 1 - - + + Gender 8 - - -Gender 8 + + +Gender 8 Gender 7->Gender 8 - - + + Gender 9 - - -Gender 9 + + +Gender 9 Gender 8->Gender 9 - - + + - + Surgery 2 - -Surgery 2 + + +Surgery 2 + + Surgery 1->Surgery 2 - - + + - + Surgery 3 - - -Surgery 3 - - - - - -Surgery 4 - -Surgery 4 - - - -Surgery 3->Surgery 4 - - - - - -Surgery 5 - - -Surgery 5 - - - - - -Surgery 6 - -Surgery 6 - - - -Surgery 5->Surgery 6 - - - - - -Surgery 7 - - -Surgery 7 - - - - - -Surgery 8 - -Surgery 8 - - - -Surgery 7->Surgery 8 - - - - - -Surgery 9 - - -Surgery 9 + + +Surgery 3 - + Surgery 2->Surgery 3 - - + + + + + +Surgery 4 + + +Surgery 4 + + + + + +Surgery 3->Surgery 4 + + + + + +Surgery 5 + + +Surgery 5 + + - + Surgery 4->Surgery 5 - - + + + + + +Surgery 6 + + +Surgery 6 + + + + + +Surgery 5->Surgery 6 + + + + + +Surgery 7 + + +Surgery 7 + + - + Surgery 6->Surgery 7 - - + + + + + +Surgery 8 + + +Surgery 8 + + + + + +Surgery 7->Surgery 8 + + + + + +Surgery 9 + + +Surgery 9 + + Surgery 8->Surgery 9 - - + + + + + +Surgery 10 + + +Surgery 10 + + + + + +Surgery 9->Surgery 10 + + - + Self-harm 2 - - -Self-harm 2 + + +Self-harm 2 - + Self-harm 1->Self-harm 2 - - + + - + Self-harm 3 - - -Self-harm 3 + + +Self-harm 3 - + Self-harm 2->Self-harm 3 - - + + - + Self-harm 3->Gender 1 - - + + - + Suicide 1 - - -Suicide 1 + + +Suicide 1 - + Self-harm 3->Suicide 1 - - + + - + Suicide 2 - - -Suicide 2 + + +Suicide 2 - + Suicide 1->Suicide 2 - - + + - + Suicide 3 - - -Suicide 3 + + +Suicide 3 - + Suicide 2->Suicide 3 - - + + - + Suicide 4 - - -Suicide 4 + + +Suicide 4 - + Suicide 3->Suicide 4 - - + + - + Suicide 5 - - -Suicide 5 + + +Suicide 5 - + Suicide 4->Suicide 5 - - + + - + Suicide 6 - - -Suicide 6 + + +Suicide 6 - + Suicide 5->Suicide 6 - - + + - + Suicide 7 - - -Suicide 7 + + +Suicide 7 - + Suicide 6->Suicide 7 - - + + - + Suicide 8 - - -Suicide 8 + + +Suicide 8 - + Suicide 7->Suicide 8 - - + + - + Suicide 9 - - -Suicide 9 + + +Suicide 9 - + Suicide 8->Suicide 9 - - + + - + Suicide 10 - - -Suicide 10 + + +Suicide 10 - + Suicide 9->Suicide 10 - - + + - + Suicide 11 - - -Suicide 11 + + +Suicide 11 - + Suicide 10->Suicide 11 - - + + - + Suicide 12 - - -Suicide 12 + + +Suicide 12 - + Suicide 11->Suicide 12 - - + + - + Suicide 13 - - -Suicide 13 + + +Suicide 13 - + Suicide 12->Suicide 13 - - + + - + Writing 2 - - -Writing 2 + + +Writing 2 - + Writing 1->Writing 2 - + Writing 3 - - -Writing 3 + + +Writing 3 - + Writing 2->Writing 3 - + Writing 4 - - -Writing 4 + + +Writing 4 - + Writing 3->Writing 4 - + Writing 5 - - -Writing 5 + + +Writing 5 - + Writing 4->Writing 5 - + Writing 6 - - -Writing 6 + + +Writing 6 - + Writing 5->Writing 6 - + Writing 7 - - -Writing 7 + + +Writing 7 - + Writing 6->Writing 7 - + Music 1 - - -Music 1 + + +Music 1 - + Writing 7->Music 1 - + Music 2 - - -Music 2 + + +Music 2 - + Music 1->Music 2 - + Music 3 - - -Music 3 + + +Music 3 - + Music 2->Music 3 - + Music 4 - - -Music 4 + + +Music 4 - + Music 3->Music 4 - + Music 5 - - -Music 5 + + +Music 5 - + Music 4->Music 5 - + Movement 2 - - -Movement 2 + + +Movement 2 - + Movement 1->Movement 2 - + Movement 3 - - -Movement 3 + + +Movement 3 - + Movement 2->Movement 3 - + Movement 4 - - -Movement 4 + + +Movement 4 - + Movement 3->Movement 4 - + Movement 5 - - -Movement 5 + + +Movement 5 - + Movement 4->Movement 5 - + Movement 6 - - -Movement 6 + + +Movement 6 - + Movement 5->Movement 6 - + Movement 7 - - -Movement 7 + + +Movement 7 - + Movement 6->Movement 7 - + Movement 8 - - -Movement 8 + + +Movement 8 - + Movement 7->Movement 8 - + Movement 9 - - -Movement 9 + + +Movement 9 - + Movement 8->Movement 9 diff --git a/static/map.dot b/static/map.dot index 0fd38d1..6c78b29 100644 --- a/static/map.dot +++ b/static/map.dot @@ -203,18 +203,7 @@ digraph Map { "Koan 6" [href="/koan/6"] "Koan 1" -> "Koan 2" -> "Koan 3" -> "Koan 4" -> "Koan 5" -> "Koan 6" - node[group="furry",style="",fontcolor="#111111"] - "Furry 1" [href="/furry"] - "Furry 2" [href="/furry/2"] - "Furry 3" [href="/furry/3"] - "Furry 4" [href="/furry/4"] - "Furry 5" [href="/furry/5"] - "Furry 6" [href="/furry/6"] - "Furry 7" [href="/furry/7"] - "Furry 1" -> "Furry 2" -> "Furry 3" -> "Furry 4" -> "Furry 5" -> - "Furry 6" -> "Furry 7" - - node[group="fursona"] + node[group="fursona",style="",fontcolor="#111111"] "Fursoñas 1" [href="/furry/fursona/"] "Fursoñas 2" [href="/furry/fursona/2"] "Fursoñas 3" [href="/furry/fursona/3"] @@ -226,6 +215,17 @@ digraph Map { "Fursoñas 1" -> "Fursoñas 2" -> "Fursoñas 3" -> "Fursoñas 4" -> "Fursoñas 5" -> "Fursoñas 6" -> "Fursoñas 7" -> "Fursoñas 8" + node[group="furry",style="",fontcolor="#111111"] + "Furry 1" [href="/furry"] + "Furry 2" [href="/furry/2"] + "Furry 3" [href="/furry/3"] + "Furry 4" [href="/furry/4"] + "Furry 5" [href="/furry/5"] + "Furry 6" [href="/furry/6"] + "Furry 7" [href="/furry/7"] + "Furry 1" -> "Furry 2" -> "Furry 3" -> "Furry 4" -> "Furry 5" -> + "Furry 6" -> "Furry 7" + node[group="margaras"] "Margaras 1" [href="/furry/margaras"] "Margaras 2" [href="/furry/margaras/2"] @@ -288,13 +288,18 @@ digraph Map { node[group="surgery"] "Surgery 1" [href="/gender/surgery"] - "Surgery 3" [href="/gender/surgery/2"] - "Surgery 5" [href="/gender/surgery/3"] - "Surgery 7" [href="/gender/surgery/4"] - "Surgery 9" [href="/gender/surgery/5"] + "Surgery 2" [href="/gender/surgery/2"] + "Surgery 3" [href="/gender/surgery/3"] + "Surgery 4" [href="/gender/surgery/4"] + "Surgery 5" [href="/gender/surgery/5"] + "Surgery 6" [href="/gender/surgery/6"] + "Surgery 7" [href="/gender/surgery/7"] + "Surgery 8" [href="/gender/surgery/8"] + "Surgery 9" [href="/gender/surgery/9"] + "Surgery 10" [href="/gender/surgery/10"] "Surgery 1" -> "Surgery 2" -> "Surgery 3" -> "Surgery 4" -> "Surgery 5" -> "Surgery 6" -> "Surgery 7" -> "Surgery 8" -> - "Surgery 9" + "Surgery 9" -> "Surgery 10" node[group="sh",style="filled",fillcolor="#222228",fontcolor="#dddddd"] "Self-harm 1" [href="/self-harm"] diff --git a/static/map.svg b/static/map.svg index 9013339..50fcbf1 100644 --- a/static/map.svg +++ b/static/map.svg @@ -4,11 +4,11 @@ - - + + Map - + Aside 1 @@ -223,7 +223,7 @@ - + Dad 11->ally 16 @@ -328,7 +328,7 @@ - + Poet and Mystic 7->Aside 3 @@ -349,7 +349,7 @@ - + Poet and Mystic 8->Dreams 2 @@ -454,7 +454,7 @@ - + Poet and Mystic 13->Agony and Ecstasy @@ -718,7 +718,7 @@ - + From within 6->ally 12 @@ -763,7 +763,7 @@ - + Jay 3->Dreams 1 @@ -868,7 +868,7 @@ - + Liminal 4->Aside 2 @@ -934,7 +934,7 @@ - + Liminal 8->Dad 1 @@ -949,7 +949,7 @@ - + Poly 1->Jay 1 @@ -1039,7 +1039,7 @@ - + Poly 6->Sex 1 @@ -1099,7 +1099,7 @@ - + Sex 4->Kink 1 @@ -1419,17 +1419,17 @@ Manic notes 1 - - -Manic notes 1 + + +Manic notes 1 - + ally 8->Manic notes 1 - - + + @@ -1456,13 +1456,13 @@ - + ally 9->Birds 1 - + ally 10->Poly 1 @@ -1483,7 +1483,7 @@ - + ally 11->From within 1 @@ -1525,22 +1525,22 @@ - + Furry 1 - - -Furry 1 + + +Furry 1 - + ally 13->Furry 1 - - + + - + ally 14->Aside 1 @@ -1561,7 +1561,7 @@ - + ally 15->Liminal 1 @@ -1573,7 +1573,7 @@ - + ally 16->Poet and Mystic 1 @@ -1609,22 +1609,22 @@ - + Writing 1 - - -Writing 1 + + +Writing 1 - + ally 17->Writing 1 - + ally 18->Software 1 @@ -1720,16 +1720,16 @@ - + Movement 1 - - -Movement 1 + + +Movement 1 - + ally 23->Movement 1 @@ -1810,7 +1810,7 @@ - + ally 29->Burnout 1 @@ -1889,1487 +1889,1514 @@ Koan 1 - 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- + + Manifesto Project 2 - - -Manifesto Project 2 + + +Manifesto Project 2 Manifesto Project 1->Manifesto Project 2 - - + + Manifesto Project 3 - - -Manifesto Project 3 + + +Manifesto Project 3 Manifesto Project 2->Manifesto Project 3 - - + + Manifesto Project 4 - - -Manifesto Project 4 + + +Manifesto Project 4 Manifesto Project 3->Manifesto Project 4 - - + + Manifesto Project 5 - - -Manifesto Project 5 + + +Manifesto Project 5 Manifesto Project 4->Manifesto Project 5 - - + + Manifesto Project 6 - - -Manifesto Project 6 + + +Manifesto Project 6 Manifesto Project 5->Manifesto Project 6 - - + + Manifesto Project 7 - - -Manifesto Project 7 + + +Manifesto Project 7 Manifesto Project 6->Manifesto Project 7 - - + + Manifesto Project 8 - - -Manifesto Project 8 + + +Manifesto Project 8 Manifesto Project 7->Manifesto Project 8 - - + + Manifesto Project 9 - - -Manifesto Project 9 + + +Manifesto Project 9 Manifesto Project 8->Manifesto Project 9 - - + + Manifesto Project 10 - - -Manifesto Project 10 + + +Manifesto Project 10 Manifesto Project 9->Manifesto Project 10 - 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+ Suicide 10->Suicide 11 - - + + - + Suicide 12 - - -Suicide 12 + + +Suicide 12 - + Suicide 11->Suicide 12 - - + + - + Suicide 13 - - -Suicide 13 + + +Suicide 13 - + Suicide 12->Suicide 13 - - + + - + Writing 2 - - -Writing 2 + + +Writing 2 - + Writing 1->Writing 2 - + Writing 3 - - -Writing 3 + + +Writing 3 - + Writing 2->Writing 3 - + Writing 4 - - -Writing 4 + + +Writing 4 - + Writing 3->Writing 4 - + Writing 5 - - -Writing 5 + + +Writing 5 - + Writing 4->Writing 5 - + Writing 6 - - -Writing 6 + + +Writing 6 - + Writing 5->Writing 6 - + Writing 7 - - -Writing 7 + + +Writing 7 - + Writing 6->Writing 7 - + Music 1 - - -Music 1 + + +Music 1 - + Writing 7->Music 1 - + Music 2 - - -Music 2 + + +Music 2 - + Music 1->Music 2 - + Music 3 - - -Music 3 + + +Music 3 - + Music 2->Music 3 - + Music 4 - - -Music 4 + + +Music 4 - + Music 3->Music 4 - + Music 5 - - -Music 5 + + +Music 5 - + Music 4->Music 5 - + Movement 2 - - -Movement 2 + + +Movement 2 - + Movement 1->Movement 2 - + Movement 3 - - -Movement 3 + + +Movement 3 - + Movement 2->Movement 3 - + Movement 4 - - -Movement 4 + + +Movement 4 - + Movement 3->Movement 4 - + Movement 5 - - -Movement 5 + + +Movement 5 - + Movement 4->Movement 5 - + Movement 6 - - -Movement 6 + + +Movement 6 - + Movement 5->Movement 6 - + Movement 7 - - -Movement 7 + + +Movement 7 - + Movement 6->Movement 7 - + Movement 8 - - -Movement 8 + + +Movement 8 - + Movement 7->Movement 8 - + Movement 9 - - -Movement 9 + + +Movement 9 - + Movement 8->Movement 9 From d9e4bc4cedbae2ff488bf8c5193bc95cefd32597 Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001 From: Madison Scott-Clary Date: Mon, 23 Dec 2019 23:05:11 -0800 Subject: [PATCH 08/17] work --- content/gender/surgery/004.html | 21 +++++++- .../poet-and-mystic/agony-and-ecstasy/text.md | 54 +++++++++---------- 2 files changed, 47 insertions(+), 28 deletions(-) diff --git a/content/gender/surgery/004.html b/content/gender/surgery/004.html index 4146432..95754c6 100644 --- a/content/gender/surgery/004.html +++ b/content/gender/surgery/004.html @@ -3,4 +3,23 @@ date: 2019-11-01 weight: 4 --- -The surgery +
There are so many words that could be said +about the preparation for surgery, all those steps that led +to that six-thirty AM call. The days of purging. +The anxiety. The drive. My husband's gentle urging. +That night in the Airbnb. That last shower with the Hibiclens. +All that has faded. It's distored at the edge of the lens +of my memory. +        No, what remains is the two hours before: +the being so scared that I was reduced to the barest core. +There was nothing left of me but fear, not even a name. +I could still drive — the fear was quiet and tame — +I could get us to the ambulatory surgery waiting room. +But beyond that, I was a non-person. A convict. My doom +was in their hands. +
Non-person? Doom? Give yourself at least some credit. +You still had agency. You still had a choice, could have not let it +happen. You say of travel that getting you there is their job: +you felt the same here. You crossed the doorway and let this mob +of nurses do theirs.
+
diff --git a/content/poet-and-mystic/agony-and-ecstasy/text.md b/content/poet-and-mystic/agony-and-ecstasy/text.md index f9046f9..4dce377 100644 --- a/content/poet-and-mystic/agony-and-ecstasy/text.md +++ b/content/poet-and-mystic/agony-and-ecstasy/text.md @@ -2,87 +2,87 @@ type: single --- -
I +
I Among twenty snowy mountains, The only moving thing -Was the eye of the blackbird. +Was the eye of the blackbird.
-II +
II I was of three minds, Like a tree -In which there are three blackbirds. +In which there are three blackbirds.
-III +
III The blackbird whirled in the autumn winds. -It was a small part of the pantomime. +It was a small part of the pantomime.
-IV +
IV A man and a woman Are one. A man and a woman and a blackbird -Are one. +Are one.
-V +
V I do not know which to prefer, The beauty of inflections Or the beauty of innuendoes, The blackbird whistling -Or just after. +Or just after.
-VI +
VI Icicles filled the long window With barbaric glass. The shadow of the blackbird Crossed it, to and fro. The mood Traced in the shadow -An indecipherable cause. +An indecipherable cause.
-VII +
VII O thin men of Haddam, Why do you imagine golden birds? Do you not see how the blackbird Walks around the feet -Of the women about you? +Of the women about you?
-VIII +
VIII I know noble accents And lucid, inescapable rhythms; But I know, too, That the blackbird is involved -In what I know. +In what I know.
-IX +
IX When the blackbird flew out of sight, It marked the edge -Of one of many circles. +Of one of many circles.
-X +
X At the sight of blackbirds Flying in a green light, Even the bawds of euphony -Would cry out sharply. +Would cry out sharply.
-XI +
XI He rode over Connecticut In a glass coach. Once, a fear pierced him, In that he mistook The shadow of his equipage -For blackbirds. +For blackbirds.
-XII +
XII The river is moving. -The blackbird must be flying. +The blackbird must be flying.
-XIII +
XIII It was evening all afternoon. It was snowing And it was going to snow. The blackbird sat -In the cedar-limbs. +In the cedar-limbs.
- — Wallace Stevens
+— Wallace Stevens ### See also * [Winter](https://ericwhitacre.com/music-catalog/winter) by Edward Esch From 119418aade5a7f1ab1a6665257063feb41f25c8e Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001 From: Madison Scott-Clary Date: Fri, 27 Dec 2019 13:11:58 -0800 Subject: [PATCH 09/17] Update --- content/gender/surgery/002.html | 4 ++-- content/gender/surgery/004.html | 26 +++++++++++++++++++++++--- 2 files changed, 25 insertions(+), 5 deletions(-) diff --git a/content/gender/surgery/002.html b/content/gender/surgery/002.html index abf33b6..4873571 100644 --- a/content/gender/surgery/002.html +++ b/content/gender/surgery/002.html @@ -4,7 +4,7 @@ weight: 2 fit: true --- -
It is surprisingly hard to think something real +
It is surprisingly hard to think something real
 when every indication, every word, all you feel
 tells you that that must not be the case.
 There's no easy way to make yourself face
@@ -79,7 +79,7 @@ Not because you do or don't so much as because the hand fate
 dealt you. You had the job, you had the insurance, the means.
 You made the call. You took the step. You passed the screens.
 You did this.
-
+ - - + + Map - + Aside 1 @@ -224,7 +224,7 @@ fit: true - + Dad 11->ally 16 @@ -329,7 +329,7 @@ fit: true - + Poet and Mystic 7->Aside 3 @@ -350,7 +350,7 @@ fit: true - + Poet and Mystic 8->Dreams 2 @@ -425,7 +425,7 @@ fit: true - + Poet and Mystic 11->Overflowing @@ -455,7 +455,7 @@ fit: true - + Poet and Mystic 13->Agony and Ecstasy @@ -515,7 +515,7 @@ fit: true - + Overflowing->With @@ -530,7 +530,7 @@ fit: true - + With->Words 1 @@ -719,7 +719,7 @@ fit: true - + From within 6->ally 12 @@ -764,7 +764,7 @@ fit: true - + Jay 3->Dreams 1 @@ -869,7 +869,7 @@ fit: true - + Liminal 4->Aside 2 @@ -935,7 +935,7 @@ fit: true - + Liminal 8->Dad 1 @@ -950,7 +950,7 @@ fit: true - + Poly 1->Jay 1 @@ -1040,7 +1040,7 @@ fit: true - + Poly 6->Sex 1 @@ -1100,7 +1100,7 @@ fit: true - + Sex 4->Kink 1 @@ -1420,17 +1420,17 @@ fit: true Manic notes 1 - - -Manic notes 1 + + +Manic notes 1 - + ally 8->Manic notes 1 - - + + @@ -1457,13 +1457,13 @@ fit: true - + ally 9->Birds 1 - + ally 10->Poly 1 @@ -1484,7 +1484,7 @@ fit: true - 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+ Liminal 8->Dad 1 @@ -949,7 +949,7 @@ - + Poly 1->Jay 1 @@ -1039,7 +1039,7 @@ - + Poly 6->Sex 1 @@ -1099,7 +1099,7 @@ - + Sex 4->Kink 1 @@ -1419,17 +1419,17 @@ Manic notes 1 - - -Manic notes 1 + + +Manic notes 1 - + ally 8->Manic notes 1 - - + + @@ -1456,13 +1456,13 @@ - + ally 9->Birds 1 - + ally 10->Poly 1 @@ -1483,7 +1483,7 @@ - + ally 11->From within 1 @@ -1525,22 +1525,22 @@ - + Furry 1 - - -Furry 1 + + +Furry 1 - + ally 13->Furry 1 - - + + - + ally 14->Aside 1 @@ -1561,7 +1561,7 @@ - + ally 15->Liminal 1 @@ -1573,7 +1573,7 @@ - + ally 16->Poet and Mystic 1 @@ -1609,22 +1609,22 @@ - + Writing 1 - - -Writing 1 + + +Writing 1 - + ally 17->Writing 1 - + ally 18->Software 1 @@ -1720,16 +1720,16 @@ - + Movement 1 - - -Movement 1 + + +Movement 1 - + ally 23->Movement 1 @@ -1810,7 +1810,7 @@ - + ally 29->Burnout 1 @@ -1889,1514 +1889,1514 @@ Koan 1 - - -Koan 1 + + +Koan 1 Koan 2 - - -Koan 2 + + +Koan 2 Koan 1->Koan 2 - - + + Koan 3 - - -Koan 3 + + +Koan 3 Koan 2->Koan 3 - - + + Koan 4 - - -Koan 4 + + +Koan 4 Koan 3->Koan 4 - - + + Koan 5 - - -Koan 5 + + +Koan 5 Koan 4->Koan 5 - - + + Koan 6 - - -Koan 6 + + +Koan 6 Koan 5->Koan 6 - - + + - + Fursoñas 1 - - -Fursoñas 1 + + +Fursoñas 1 - + Fursoñas 2 - - -Fursoñas 2 + + +Fursoñas 2 - + Fursoñas 1->Fursoñas 2 - - + + - + Fursoñas 3 - - -Fursoñas 3 + + +Fursoñas 3 - + Fursoñas 2->Fursoñas 3 - - + + - + Fursoñas 4 - - -Fursoñas 4 + + +Fursoñas 4 - + Fursoñas 3->Fursoñas 4 - - + + - + Fursoñas 5 - - -Fursoñas 5 + + +Fursoñas 5 - + Fursoñas 4->Fursoñas 5 - - + + - + Fursoñas 6 - - -Fursoñas 6 + + +Fursoñas 6 - + Fursoñas 5->Fursoñas 6 - - + + - + Fursoñas 7 - - -Fursoñas 7 + + +Fursoñas 7 - + Fursoñas 6->Fursoñas 7 - - + + - + Fursoñas 8 - - -Fursoñas 8 + + +Fursoñas 8 - + Fursoñas 7->Fursoñas 8 - - + + - + Furry 1->Koan 1 - - + + - + Furry 2 - - -Furry 2 + + +Furry 2 - + Furry 1->Furry 2 - - + + - + Furry 2->Fursoñas 1 - - + + - + Furry 3 - - -Furry 3 + + +Furry 3 - + Furry 2->Furry 3 - - + + - + Furry 4 - - -Furry 4 + + +Furry 4 - + Furry 3->Furry 4 - - + + - + Furry 5 - - -Furry 5 + + +Furry 5 - + Furry 4->Furry 5 - - + + - + Furry 6 - - -Furry 6 + + +Furry 6 - + Furry 5->Furry 6 - - + + - + Furry 7 - - -Furry 7 + + +Furry 7 - + Furry 6->Furry 7 - - + + - + Margaras 1 - - -Margaras 1 + + +Margaras 1 - + Furry 6->Margaras 1 - - + + - + Younes 1 - - -Younes 1 + + +Younes 1 - + Furry 7->Younes 1 - - + + Margaras 2 - - -Margaras 2 + + +Margaras 2 Margaras 1->Margaras 2 - - + + Margaras 3 - - -Margaras 3 + + +Margaras 3 Margaras 2->Margaras 3 - - + + Margaras 4 - - -Margaras 4 + + +Margaras 4 Margaras 3->Margaras 4 - - + + Margaras 5 - - -Margaras 5 + + +Margaras 5 Margaras 4->Margaras 5 - - + + Margaras 6 - - -Margaras 6 + + +Margaras 6 Margaras 5->Margaras 6 - - + + Younes 2 - - -Younes 2 + + +Younes 2 Younes 1->Younes 2 - - + + Younes 3 - - -Younes 3 + + +Younes 3 Younes 2->Younes 3 - - + + - + Self-harm 1 - - -Self-harm 1 + + +Self-harm 1 - + Younes 3->Self-harm 1 - - + + Manic notes 2 - - -Manic notes 2 + + +Manic notes 2 Manic notes 1->Manic notes 2 - - + + Manic notes 3 - - -Manic notes 3 + + +Manic notes 3 Manic notes 2->Manic notes 3 - - + + Manic notes 4 - - -Manic notes 4 + + +Manic notes 4 Manic notes 3->Manic notes 4 - - + + Manic notes 5 - - -Manic notes 5 + + +Manic notes 5 Manic notes 4->Manic notes 5 - - + + Manifesto Project 1 - - -Manifesto Project 1 + + +Manifesto Project 1 - + Manic notes 4->Manifesto Project 1 - - + + Manifesto Project 2 - - -Manifesto Project 2 + + +Manifesto Project 2 Manifesto Project 1->Manifesto Project 2 - - + + Manifesto Project 3 - - -Manifesto Project 3 + + +Manifesto Project 3 Manifesto Project 2->Manifesto Project 3 - - + + Manifesto Project 4 - - -Manifesto Project 4 + + +Manifesto Project 4 Manifesto Project 3->Manifesto Project 4 - - + + Manifesto Project 5 - - -Manifesto Project 5 + + +Manifesto Project 5 Manifesto Project 4->Manifesto Project 5 - - + + Manifesto Project 6 - - -Manifesto Project 6 + + +Manifesto Project 6 Manifesto Project 5->Manifesto Project 6 - - + + Manifesto Project 7 - - -Manifesto Project 7 + + +Manifesto Project 7 Manifesto Project 6->Manifesto Project 7 - - + + Manifesto Project 8 - - -Manifesto Project 8 + + +Manifesto Project 8 Manifesto Project 7->Manifesto Project 8 - - + + Manifesto Project 9 - - -Manifesto Project 9 + + +Manifesto Project 9 Manifesto Project 8->Manifesto Project 9 - - + + Manifesto Project 10 - - -Manifesto Project 10 + + +Manifesto Project 10 Manifesto Project 9->Manifesto Project 10 - - + + Manifesto Project 11 - - -Manifesto Project 11 + + +Manifesto Project 11 Manifesto Project 10->Manifesto Project 11 - - + + Manifesto Project 12 - - -Manifesto Project 12 + + +Manifesto Project 12 Manifesto Project 11->Manifesto Project 12 - - + + Manifesto Project 13 - - -Manifesto Project 13 + + +Manifesto Project 13 Manifesto Project 12->Manifesto Project 13 - - + + Manifesto Project 14 - - -Manifesto Project 14 + + +Manifesto Project 14 Manifesto Project 13->Manifesto Project 14 - - + + Gender 1 - - -Gender 1 + + +Gender 1 Gender 2 - - -Gender 2 + + +Gender 2 Gender 1->Gender 2 - - + + Gender 3 - - -Gender 3 + + +Gender 3 Gender 2->Gender 3 - - + + Gender 4 - - -Gender 4 + + +Gender 4 Gender 3->Gender 4 - - + + Gender 5 - - -Gender 5 + + +Gender 5 Gender 4->Gender 5 - - + + Gender 6 - - -Gender 6 + + +Gender 6 Gender 5->Gender 6 - - + + Gender 7 - - -Gender 7 + + +Gender 7 Gender 6->Gender 7 - - + + Surgery 1 - - -Surgery 1 + + +Surgery 1 - + Gender 6->Surgery 1 - - + + Gender 8 - - -Gender 8 + + +Gender 8 Gender 7->Gender 8 - - + + Gender 9 - - -Gender 9 + + +Gender 9 Gender 8->Gender 9 - - + + - + Surgery 2 - - -Surgery 2 + + +Surgery 2 Surgery 1->Surgery 2 - - + + - + Surgery 3 - - -Surgery 3 + + +Surgery 3 - + Surgery 2->Surgery 3 - - + + - + Surgery 4 - - -Surgery 4 + + +Surgery 4 Surgery 3->Surgery 4 - - + + - + Surgery 5 - - -Surgery 5 + + +Surgery 5 - + Surgery 4->Surgery 5 - - + + - + Surgery 6 - - -Surgery 6 + + +Surgery 6 Surgery 5->Surgery 6 - - + + - + Surgery 7 - - -Surgery 7 + + +Surgery 7 - + Surgery 6->Surgery 7 - - + + - + Surgery 8 - - -Surgery 8 + + +Surgery 8 Surgery 7->Surgery 8 - - + + - + Surgery 9 - - -Surgery 9 + + +Surgery 9 Surgery 8->Surgery 9 - - + + - + Surgery 10 - - -Surgery 10 + + +Surgery 10 - + Surgery 9->Surgery 10 - - + + - + Self-harm 2 - - -Self-harm 2 + + +Self-harm 2 - + Self-harm 1->Self-harm 2 - - + + - + Self-harm 3 - - -Self-harm 3 + + +Self-harm 3 - + Self-harm 2->Self-harm 3 - - + + - + Self-harm 3->Gender 1 - - + + - + Suicide 1 - - -Suicide 1 + + +Suicide 1 - + Self-harm 3->Suicide 1 - - + + - + Suicide 2 - - -Suicide 2 + + +Suicide 2 - + Suicide 1->Suicide 2 - - + + - + Suicide 3 - - -Suicide 3 + + +Suicide 3 - + Suicide 2->Suicide 3 - - + + - + Suicide 4 - - -Suicide 4 + + +Suicide 4 - + Suicide 3->Suicide 4 - - + + - + Suicide 5 - - -Suicide 5 + + +Suicide 5 - + Suicide 4->Suicide 5 - - + + - + Suicide 6 - - -Suicide 6 + + +Suicide 6 - + Suicide 5->Suicide 6 - - + + - + Suicide 7 - - -Suicide 7 + + +Suicide 7 - + Suicide 6->Suicide 7 - - + + - + Suicide 8 - - -Suicide 8 + + +Suicide 8 - + Suicide 7->Suicide 8 - - + + - + Suicide 9 - - -Suicide 9 + + +Suicide 9 - + Suicide 8->Suicide 9 - - + + - + Suicide 10 - - -Suicide 10 + + +Suicide 10 - + Suicide 9->Suicide 10 - - + + - + Suicide 11 - - -Suicide 11 + + +Suicide 11 - + Suicide 10->Suicide 11 - - + + - + Suicide 12 - - -Suicide 12 + + +Suicide 12 - + Suicide 11->Suicide 12 - - + + - + Suicide 13 - - -Suicide 13 + + +Suicide 13 - + Suicide 12->Suicide 13 - - + + - + Writing 2 - - -Writing 2 + + +Writing 2 - + Writing 1->Writing 2 - + Writing 3 - - -Writing 3 + + +Writing 3 - + Writing 2->Writing 3 - + Writing 4 - - -Writing 4 + + +Writing 4 - + Writing 3->Writing 4 - + Writing 5 - - -Writing 5 + + +Writing 5 - + Writing 4->Writing 5 - + Writing 6 - - -Writing 6 + + +Writing 6 - + Writing 5->Writing 6 - + Writing 7 - - -Writing 7 + + +Writing 7 - + Writing 6->Writing 7 - + Music 1 - - -Music 1 + + +Music 1 - + Writing 7->Music 1 - + Music 2 - - -Music 2 + + +Music 2 - + Music 1->Music 2 - + Music 3 - - -Music 3 + + +Music 3 - + Music 2->Music 3 - + Music 4 - - -Music 4 + + +Music 4 - + Music 3->Music 4 - + Music 5 - - -Music 5 + + +Music 5 - + Music 4->Music 5 - + Movement 2 - - -Movement 2 + + +Movement 2 - + Movement 1->Movement 2 - + Movement 3 - - -Movement 3 + + +Movement 3 - + Movement 2->Movement 3 - + Movement 4 - - -Movement 4 + + +Movement 4 - + Movement 3->Movement 4 - + Movement 5 - - -Movement 5 + + +Movement 5 - + Movement 4->Movement 5 - + Movement 6 - - -Movement 6 + + +Movement 6 - + Movement 5->Movement 6 - + Movement 7 - - -Movement 7 + + +Movement 7 - + Movement 6->Movement 7 - + Movement 8 - - -Movement 8 + + +Movement 8 - + Movement 7->Movement 8 - + Movement 9 - - -Movement 9 + + +Movement 9 - + Movement 8->Movement 9 From 3a255f9eee8375cb801df6d2c37ca67214ae2b87 Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001 From: Madison Scott-Clary Date: Sun, 29 Dec 2019 16:01:25 -0800 Subject: [PATCH 11/17] Surgery --- content/gender/surgery/002.html | 18 ------------------ content/gender/surgery/004.html | 19 ++++++++++++++++++- 2 files changed, 18 insertions(+), 19 deletions(-) diff --git a/content/gender/surgery/002.html b/content/gender/surgery/002.html index 4873571..867c1f2 100644 --- a/content/gender/surgery/002.html +++ b/content/gender/surgery/002.html @@ -80,21 +80,3 @@ dealt you. You had the job, you had the insurance, the means. You made the call. You took the step. You passed the screens. You did this. - - diff --git a/content/gender/surgery/004.html b/content/gender/surgery/004.html index c4acf2b..05c6bf4 100644 --- a/content/gender/surgery/004.html +++ b/content/gender/surgery/004.html @@ -60,4 +60,21 @@ You spent all that time polishing your will. How could you begin to deny the death-thoughts inherent in a nine-hour surgery? That you didn't still leaves you feeling like you're living a forgery of a life. - +But then I was in. I was in that room with surprisingly green walls. +The nurses dropped me off, and from down those hidden halls +came surgeon, anaesthesiologist, what seemed like dozens of people. +"Here, hold this over your face," someone said as a needle +wandered into my Iv's injection port. "It's just oxygen." +My hand began to slip. Oxygen? Some sort of intoxicant? +They laughed, repeated, "No no, you have to hold it up." +Perhaps it was O2, but whatever was injected began to interrupt +any train of thought. The jazz music they'd put on, at my request, +was overwhelmed by static. My vision followed. Silence: blessed. +Speed: surprising. Is this death? A rush of nothing. Is this death? +Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Is this death? Nothing. Is this death? +Nothing. +
Nothing. Was this death? Nothing, death? Nothing, nothing. Nothing. +Death? Was this death? Nothing. There was nothing. Death? Nothing. +Silence. Static. Nothing. Death. Death. Silence. Death. +Static. Static. Silence. Static. Death, static. Death. +And then you woke up.
From 45a4b5add980b1a4bf5ad9c28d0a99f84d05f3f9 Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001 From: Madison Scott-Clary Date: Sun, 29 Dec 2019 16:53:04 -0800 Subject: [PATCH 12/17] What if whitespace? --- content/gender/surgery/004.html | 89 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++--- 1 file changed, 83 insertions(+), 6 deletions(-) diff --git a/content/gender/surgery/004.html b/content/gender/surgery/004.html index 05c6bf4..c19680b 100644 --- a/content/gender/surgery/004.html +++ b/content/gender/surgery/004.html @@ -71,10 +71,87 @@ Perhaps it was O2, but whatever was injected began to interrupt any train of thought. The jazz music they'd put on, at my request, was overwhelmed by static. My vision followed. Silence: blessed. Speed: surprising. Is this death? A rush of nothing. Is this death? -Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Is this death? Nothing. Is this death? Nothing. -
Nothing. Was this death? Nothing, death? Nothing, nothing. Nothing. -Death? Was this death? Nothing. There was nothing. Death? Nothing. -Silence. Static. Nothing. Death. Death. Silence. Death. -Static. Static. Silence. Static. Death, static. Death. -And then you woke up.
+    Nothing. Nothing. Is this death? +                  Nothing. Is this death? +Silence, static. +
    Was this death? +Nothing.        Nothing, death?     nothing +                    Nothing, + +                             Nothing. + +    Was this death? +Death?         Nothing. + +                          Death? Nothing. +                 There was nothing. + + +Silence. + +    Static. + + +        Nothing. + + + +                  Death. + + +              Death. + + +                       Silence. + +                           Death. +       Silence. + + +    Static. + + + +Static.         Static. + + + + + + + + +                Death, static. + + + + + + + + + + + +                         Death. + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +And then you woke up. + + +
From b8373a89ba7e85831f6cb4e80bbf3275d03cbae9 Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001 From: Madison Scott-Clary Date: Sun, 29 Dec 2019 16:54:28 -0800 Subject: [PATCH 13/17] What if whitespace? --- content/gender/surgery/004.html | 1 + 1 file changed, 1 insertion(+) diff --git a/content/gender/surgery/004.html b/content/gender/surgery/004.html index c19680b..e41635f 100644 --- a/content/gender/surgery/004.html +++ b/content/gender/surgery/004.html @@ -1,6 +1,7 @@ --- date: 2019-11-01 weight: 4 +fit: true --- 
There are so many words that could be said

From 46b381638a11ce0194705d694b178b7bcc37e6c0 Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001
From: Madison Scott-Clary 
Date: Sun, 29 Dec 2019 16:57:12 -0800
Subject: [PATCH 14/17] What if whitespace?

---
 content/gender/surgery/004.html | 3 +++
 1 file changed, 3 insertions(+)

diff --git a/content/gender/surgery/004.html b/content/gender/surgery/004.html
index e41635f..7e30bb2 100644
--- a/content/gender/surgery/004.html
+++ b/content/gender/surgery/004.html
@@ -114,6 +114,8 @@ Silence.
 
 
 
+
+
 Static.         Static.
 
 
@@ -123,6 +125,7 @@ Static.         Static.
 
 
 
+
                 Death, static.
 
 

From 4f27050239d627975792fbf9b5520dd41791ca3a Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001
From: Madison Scott-Clary 
Date: Thu, 2 Jan 2020 20:40:38 -0800
Subject: [PATCH 15/17] More surgery

---
 content/gender/surgery/004.html |  2 +-
 content/gender/surgery/006.html | 75 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++-
 2 files changed, 75 insertions(+), 2 deletions(-)

diff --git a/content/gender/surgery/004.html b/content/gender/surgery/004.html
index 7e30bb2..f22b4ae 100644
--- a/content/gender/surgery/004.html
+++ b/content/gender/surgery/004.html
@@ -65,7 +65,7 @@ But then I was in. I was in that room with surprisingly green walls.
 The nurses dropped me off, and from down those hidden halls
 came surgeon, anaesthesiologist, what seemed like dozens of people.
 "Here, hold this over your face," someone said as a needle
-wandered into my Iv's injection port. "It's just oxygen."
+wandered into my IV's injection port. "It's just oxygen."
 My hand began to slip. Oxygen? Some sort of intoxicant?
 They laughed, repeated, "No no, you have to hold it up."
 Perhaps it was O2, but whatever was injected began to interrupt
diff --git a/content/gender/surgery/006.html b/content/gender/surgery/006.html
index 17090d8..dac06b6 100644
--- a/content/gender/surgery/006.html
+++ b/content/gender/surgery/006.html
@@ -1,6 +1,79 @@
 ---
 date: 2019-11-01
 weight: 6
+fit: true
 ---
 
-The hospital and airbnb
+
And then I woke up, and I was in the post-op recovery room.
+Disoriented, loopy, giggly, not yet in pain --- a small boon.
+There was the nurse, and there was JD. How long had he been there?
+After some indeterminate time, I was wheeled...somewhere.
+Yet more anonymous halls. Yet more competent nurses.
+Language was not yet wholly available to me, no verses
+yet to be had, despite the heady sensation of the opiate
+coursing through me; only giggles, however inappropriate,
+every time we went over a bump or up a ramp.
+And then I was in my room.
+            Me. A bed. My IV. A lamp.
+Square. Spacious. A bathroom I could not yet walk to.
+Hourly vitals. Friendly staff wandering through to talk to.
+And a button in my hand.
+
That button, which you were instructed to press
+every seven minutes. A morphine drip, or dilaudid, at a guess.
+Every seven minutes, a bit of nightmare dripped into your veins.
+Every seven minutes, more entrails, more gears, more chains
+coursing through your mind.

+There was pain, too, and the drip did indeed lessen that.
+Still, the pain grew less, and soon I switched meds to combat
+that ebbing tide. Tylenol. Hydrocodone. The button was removed.
+Pills. Pills. Every four hours: pills. I complain, but improved
+nonetheless. Antibiotics. Stool softeners. Painkillers.
+The nurses wandering in and out became my tillers:
+They steered my days, steered my pain, steered my diet.
+We talked. We laughed. We shared private jokes in the quiet
+of the night over BP cuffs. They helped with bedpan duty,
+thankless though it was. Another patient would cry, flutey,
+and they'd hurry off. I remember none of their names.
+Every now and then, when he made it down to Portland, James
+would visit, perhaps spend the night.
+
Your laptop unweildy, you spent most of your time on your phone.
+Even when no one was there, you were never quite alone.
+Hours on Taps. Hours on Telegram. Five long days on your back,
+and you, a side sleeper! Anything and everything to distract
+from that fact.

+It wasn't all monotony. The surgeon came in to check on me.
+They removed my dressing, and then my packing, setting me free,
+stepwise, from confinement. The last day was the biggest of all:
+The packing, catheter, and drains were removed. I tried to crawl
+from bed, found myself on the verge of collapse. I showered
+and saw my body changed. They measured my urine. Nurses glowered
+at how little. They threatened to put the catheter back.
+Embarrassed, I defecated, then tried again. Now on track,
+I was finally discharged. It was then that I finally saw,
+from my wheelchair, the hitherto only hinted at hall
+outside my door. It was somehow still unreal to me.
+Or perhaps I was simply to eager to finally be free
+from the room.
+
Undiluted sunlight while you waited on JD to get the car
+hurt your eyes. You could still barely stand, afraid to jar
+your new body in your dizziness. Almost more overwhelming
+than the hours before the surgery was you helming
+your dissociating self.

+All the way to the B&B, crossing that street, getting settled,
+I was nothing. I was not myself. I was soft, bepetaled.
+I was new. I was raw. Cliché, sure, but I was a flower
+newly sprouted. Under anaesthesia, I ceased to tower
+over the earth and instead became one with it. Or my dream
+finally became reality and I had become a tree, the theme
+of growth omnipresent within me. It was too much, too much.
+So I slept. I waited for Robin to join me, just to clutch
+at things familiar. Something to anchor past me to the present.
+I had become a tree, had grown, and sure, it was pleasant,
+but all the same, I still needed something to keep me grounded.
+I needed to not be completely unmoored, to not be unbounded.
+But it was done.
+
It was done. It was complete. You'd started taking action,
+and kept on taking steps until you were there, beyond abstraction.
+This was concrete. This was real. This was true. You were true.
+You weren't false before, but all the same, now that you were new,
+you were more true now


From 9e44bf62521e3df62198f700e687ced3e99cc73d Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001
From: Madison Scott-Clary 
Date: Thu, 2 Jan 2020 21:35:14 -0800
Subject: [PATCH 16/17] First draft!

---
 content/gender/surgery/008.html | 75 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++-
 1 file changed, 74 insertions(+), 1 deletion(-)

diff --git a/content/gender/surgery/008.html b/content/gender/surgery/008.html
index 00c0b32..06d0a30 100644
--- a/content/gender/surgery/008.html
+++ b/content/gender/surgery/008.html
@@ -1,6 +1,79 @@
 ---
 date: 2019-11-01
 weight: 8
+fit: true
 ---
 
-the drive home mixed with retrospection
+
What can I say of healing? Of life after change?
+I got used to it, bit by bit. I slowly learned my range,
+the extent of my new body. Proprioception caught up immediately,
+and there were no phantom sensations, and the immediacy
+was startling at first, but I got used to it, to my new form.
+Over the next weeks and months, I slowly learned my new norm.
+I learned by regaining feeling. I learned with every muscular flex.
+I learned by dilating. I learned by masturbating. I learned by sex.
+While I refused to let my happiness hinge on such a thing,
+a part of me hoped it'd make me more comfortable get in the swing
+of sex, and while it helped, I still was still largely okay without.
+My body was still my own. Whole and entire. My life played out,
+and I became more myself.
+
This isn't going how you pictured it, this bit of writing.
+You were going to talk more about healing, about fighting
+for permission to change, about your $76,000 bill.
+And here you talk of trees and growth. Did you not get your fill?
+Do you still need this outlet?

+Apparently.
+      Apparently I still need to revel in the newness.
+Apparently, what I need out of this project isn't the trueness
+of the concrete. We should really have expected nothing less.
+This is a project to dig for truth, a project to confess.
+It is not a project for describing stitches stabbing me in the clit.
+It is not for telling about each successive dilator testing the fit
+of my new depths. Could I have gone into that? Yes. Perhaps.
+Perhaps I still will. Later. For now, I still need to run laps,
+to circle around some dark core and discern its edges.
+Perhaps if I know that shape, if I peek over enough hedges,
+I'll somehow know myself better. I don't know. It feels unlikely.
+Maybe there is no knowing the self. Still, I have to try, rightly
+or not.
+
Fair enough. Still, at some point, discuss the concrete.
+So many have asked you to, and perhaps you'd feel complete.
+Perhaps that, too, would be of use to you. Not everything demands
+such thorough introspection. Not everything fits in the wetlands
+of your subconscious

+Of course not. I know this. You know I know this.
+I'm not deflecting, just focusing on this part of the abyss.
+The concrete aspects are for writing with clarity,
+not with verse. They're for writing with the sincerity
+borne of experience, so that perhaps others can benefit.
+Of this, only I need benefit. There is an etiquette
+to writing for others. Here, there is only an ally.
+This is for me and you. Your role is to hear my lie,
+to call it out, to force me to correct myself, my words.
+My role is to keep on writing, be it about surgery or birds,
+and to learn from our discussions. To learn? To suffer?
+Perhaps more the latter. To hurt, and grow tougher
+by hurting.
+
You have been called on that, yes, writing to suffer.
+And it's not wrong. You sit at your laptop and fill the buffer
+with sentences and lines and paragraphs of memories and pain.
+Do you really grow tougher? Is it masochisim, or do you gain
+real insight from this?

+I think I do. It's therapeutic to try and understand myself better.
+is it not? With every paragraph and line and word and letter,
+I think I reduce the borders of that abyss. Or if not reduce,
+I spraypaint a red line five feet from them, so that I can deduce
+my roughest edges. I'm often say that it's easy to discern boundaries
+by crossing them. I've crossed them here, with you. Foundries
+of thought and emotion are within me, ceaselessly toiling.
+I want to tour them all. I want to see them boiling.
+I feel them. I house them. I smell them and taste them.
+I just also want to understand them. There's no chaste hem
+to the subconscious, so I have to map it, map these crude sources.
+Then I can experience thisness --- I hope --- when buffeted by forces
+internal.
+
If you say so, I suppose. Do you think it'll work, though?
+Aren't such works unknowable by definition? They grow,
+they wane. You can sense them by their effects and emissions,
+but isn't seeing them, truly seeing, knowing their positions,
+reserved for dreams?


From 98e62b6e8c6b9deacc9546093ee8a6a3ca2a4b75 Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001
From: Madison Scott-Clary 
Date: Thu, 2 Jan 2020 21:43:54 -0800
Subject: [PATCH 17/17] Add post about surgery

---
 content/news/2020-01-02-surgery.md | 16 ++++++++++++++++
 1 file changed, 16 insertions(+)
 create mode 100644 content/news/2020-01-02-surgery.md

diff --git a/content/news/2020-01-02-surgery.md b/content/news/2020-01-02-surgery.md
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..f8da230
--- /dev/null
+++ b/content/news/2020-01-02-surgery.md
@@ -0,0 +1,16 @@
+---
+title: On surgery
+date: 2020-01-02
+---
+
+Four hundred lines of verse about surgery.
+
+
+
+> Because of course.
+
+I just want to live up to the archetype I've set for myself.
+
+### New Content
+
+* About half of [surgery](/gender/surgery), with the other half being Post-op Images, which was written during recovery.