Update suicide

content/self-harm/suicide/009.md

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+date: 2019-10-10
+weight: 9
+---
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+> You posted about those things publicly, but not privately, not one-on-one.
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+I know. I've been called on it before.
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+> And since. Why?
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+I suppose I need to be seen, but am not brave enough for it to be a conversation. I need to be seen but can't quite ask for help. I've promised everyone that I'm working on it, but the truth is, I don't know how I'd even begin to.
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+> Is that what you're doing now?
+
+Perhaps.

content/self-harm/suicide/011.md

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+---
+date: 2019-10-21
+weight: 11
+---
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+I can't do this.
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+> Of course you can.
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+I can't. I can't talk about this. I thought I was done with it. I thought it would be easy enough to go back over this, but I can't.
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+> Tell me why not, then?
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+I just...I just remember how easy it was to fuck up so badly. I did that a few weeks ago, too. I fucked up real bad, and now I'm stuck with the consequences, all the mechanics of tending to a wound, and all I can think about is how easy it was. It was so easy. It was so easy.
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+> Perhaps that's part of what snaps you back into place. Perhaps that's part of what keeps you from following through. The mechanics of wound care. The laser focus on not doing it. Perhaps that's what saves you, in the end: the realization that you have a body leads to the realization that you're alive, confronting mortality leads to the acceptance of life.
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+It's harder to *not*.

content/self-harm/suicide/012.md

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+date: 2019-10-21
+weight: 12
+---
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+I can't do this anymore.
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+> This topic, or this project?
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+I don't know.

content/self-harm/suicide/013.md

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+date: 2019-10-21
+weight: 13
+---
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+Let's talk about something else. Please.
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+> One more quesiton, and then we can.
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+Okay.
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+> How far have you come since then?
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+I think a long ways.
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+> You think?
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+Well, every time I think I've come a long ways, I do something horribly stupid again. Every time I think I'm over all this, I tear at myself. Every time I think I'm getting good at talking about my mental health, I wind up in this pit where I have to destroy myself, to make it physically evident that I'm unwell in some invisible way.
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+> Is it about proving that you're unwell?
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+How could I possibly prove that I'm too depressed to be around others? How could I possibly prove that I'm too anxious and sad and upset and numb to look at a chat lest the read-receipts show that I am okay enough to exist? How could I possibly prove such a thing when you look at me and see me hale and intact?
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+> You are talking about self harm. I asked about suicide. How far have you come since your first suicide attempt.
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+I still think about it on the daily. I still obsess over it. Now I'm more likely to just go to bed, though.
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+> Is it so simple?
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+No, of course not, but look, I'm thirty-three. I'm too old for it to be tragic, too young for it to be a midlife crisis, too healthy for it to be understandable, too sick for it to be a surprise. It would just be sad and weird, not to mention mean to those in my life. I've got that perspective now. I'm thirty-three, I've made it this far, I've worked this hard, and I can at least understand that.
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+It's easier to just go to bed and wait it out, because yeah, it still blows, but at least now I know it'll pass, and five months down the line, I can do the same dance all over again.
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+> That seems rather fatalistic.
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+I'm tired. I don't even know what to do about this anymore, other than wait it out. My doctor got mad at me for saying I've come to terms with feeling like shit for a few weeks every five months or so, that that's just my life forever now.
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+I've just never seen any evidence to the contrary.