Start on writing, but also reorganize everything

content/furry/001.md

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+---
+date: 2019-08-14
+weight: 1
+tags:
+- questions
+- snarky
+categories:
+- furry
+---
+
+A lot of times, when furries talk, they talk about their fursoñas as their ideal selves. I've found that it's more likely that their fursoñas are them at their most normal, most natural, most earnest.
+
+It's strange that this venue seen as escapist by even its own members is basically just a means of exploring what it means to be earnest in an ironic world.
+
+> Is it?
+
+Every time I think we're living in a post-ironic world, the Internet proves me wrong.
+
+> I wouldn't know.
+
+Do you not experience irony?
+
+> <a class="pulse" href="/koan">A friend asks Maddy: what is irony?</a>

content/furry/002.md

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+---
+date: 2019-08-14
+weight: 2
+---
+
+I talk up my style as frumpcore. *It's the synthesis of momcore and downtempo librarian,* I say. In reality, It's an intentionally garbage-y, thrown-together look designed to, I hope, lead onlookers' eyes to slide right off of me as unremarkable.
+
+> Ah yes, the invisible six-foot-one trans woman with purple hair. That tired old trope.
+
+While I've had <a class="pulse" href="/furry/fursona">furso&ntilde;as</a> that were intended to be something better than myself --- Makyo, for a while, was dressed in a nice suit --- more often than not, they've played along similar lines.
+
+Ranna was a gay fox, a bit pudgy, with two tails he readily admitted were an early affectation to differentiate himself from countless other foxes.
+
+Makyo was intentionally a transfeminine vixen who didn't pass.
+
+Maddy's a dumpy, nerdy cis girl who dresses to hide her weight.
+
+> And Madison's a dumpy, nerdy transfeminine girl who doesn't pass and dresses to hide her weight?
+
+I suppose.
+
+> You don't give yourself enough credit.
+
+Is that your department, now? Cheering me on?
+
+> I'm your ally.
+
+But not my friend.
+
+> No, but I am your ally.
+
+Fine. How do I not give myself enough credit?
+
+> Firstly, you're not as invisible as you seem and frumpcore isn't seen as that cohesive from the outside. Secondly, you pass better than you imagine. Everyone tells you that, you just can't yet hear it. Finally, you just got done writing some heavy shit after a day of worrying about work, so of course you're down on yourself. You don't want to pass, remember? You want to be visibly trans. You want to be seen as the trans psychopomp you strive to be.
+
+...Wow.
+
+> Your very words set lie to your insecurities. Your furso&ntilde;as are yourself expressed more earnestly than you can manage in person.
+
+Thank you.
+
+> If you could become Maddy, would you?
+
+Yeah, in a heartbeat.
+
+> Why?
+
+You said it as well as I could. She's the front-stage persona I wish were also my back-stage persona.
+
+> And she's pretty.
+
+I mean, she's still a dumpy fat nerd.
+
+> Let's talk about kink.
+
+Oh for Christ's sake.

content/furry/003.md

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+---
+date: 2019-08-15
+weight: 3
+---
+
+When I hit puberty, I wound up doing a good bit of digging to try and figure out just what it was that was going on. I mean, obviously, there was sex ed and stuff, but it's not like that's super comprehensive in the states.
+
+> In fifth grade, the teachers gathered the four classes together in one spot to show a video and give a short lecture on sex. That was the extent of it, before and at the beginning of puberty.
+
+Yeah, the video kept going on about how embarrassing puberty was. Boys getting erections and everyone laughing at them. Girls getting their period and everyone noticing. There was so much mortification built into the process. So much repression. The teachers hated it, the students picked up on it. The one woman teacher was asked if she could feel a man orgasm inside of her during sex. She haltingly said, "It's not like a fire hose or anything, but I guess so."
+
+> You memorized that. You thought about that forever.
+
+Yeah, maybe some genderful stuff going on there.
+
+> Let's talk about kink.
+
+Fuck *off*.
+
+> If were corporeal, I'd be be smirking.
+
+I'll just have to imagine it.
+
+So I turned to the internet to learn more, as one does. I found the delightfully-named Puberty101. Forums, chat, articles, stories...
+
+> And pedophiles?
+
+I'm sure of it.
+
+I met my first boyfriend there. Danny. He was wickedly smart. We started moderating a subforum on long distance relationships in the LGBT section. I think. Something like that.
+
+> Did you dig for that, too?
+
+Not this time. Or, well, not in months. Not since I found out he died. ODed? Not sure. I did dig it up it then, on Wayback. I saw us talking together.
+
+No.
+
+I saw Matthew and a dead guy talking together. I saw two kids in love. I saw too many names.
+
+> Did you learn about sex?
+
+I suppose. I learned about phone sex with Danny, at least. I miss that, actually. The tense silences, the little gasp, the embarrassed giggling that followed. I learned the theory if not the practice.
+
+I learned about the theory of sex, embedded deep within puberty, and then I learned about furry.
+
+> You learned about typefucking
+
+Boy howdy did I.
+
+[![TS logs over time](/ts-graph.png)](/ts-graph.png)
+
+> You are a parody of yourself.
+
+And proud of it.

content/furry/004.md

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+---
+date: 2019-08-15
+weight: 4
+---
+
+So, I think the order of my entry to furry was as follows:
+
+1. Find a furcode in someone's forum sig.
+
+    > Oh my aching bones.
+
+    Shut up, you're not that old, the internet just moves *really* fast. Besides, you don't have bones.
+2. Find a furcode decoder.
+3. Find Captain Packrat's page on furry.
+4. Find Yerf!.
+5. Make a dragon character.
+6. This lasts three days. No one pays attention to me. Make a fox character.
+7. Meet some furries on GovTeen (née Puberty101).
+8. Start talking with furries on AIM.
+9. Join FluffMUCK.
+
+> Ah yes, Fluff. May she rest in eternal solitude.
+
+She's not totally gone. I don't think. I actually haven't checked in a while.
+
+> I'm starting to doubt your commitment to nostalgia, here.
+
+What would I gain from such?
+
+> You could go look in the park. You could go ride around in the Universe-in-a-Box. You could `laston` some folks, maybe.
+
+Weirdly enough, of the people I would `laston`, I was finally reintroduced to a few not too long ago by, of all people, Zorin, head wiz of Fluff. Rela and GC. I was glad to see them doing well.
+
+> You were glad to see they were alive.
+
+I was glad to see they were alive, yes. That was around the time I had found the obituary for Danny.
+
+> You could `laston` Marek.
+
+I'm not sure I could take that.
+
+> Is that why you don't want to connect?
+
+It's one reason. Nostalgia is only so much fun. It's fun up until a certain extent, and then it becomes painful.
+
+> It's fun up until you're confronted with mortality and uncertainty. Danny died, and you don't know if Marek's alive.
+
+Yeah.
+
+It's no longer fun, but it's no less important.
+
+> Let's talk about Margaras.
+
+Not yet.
+
+> Danny's passing was an abstract thing. Maragaras' was much more immediate. Much more concrete and real.
+
+Please.
+
+> Take your time.

content/furry/005.md

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+---
+date: 2019-08-15
+weight: 5
+---
+
+The first furry I met, aside from Ash, was Osric. We went to see a movie. We were so painfully shy.
+
+> After seeing the movie, you drove him back to where he had parked, and you sat for a few moments in pained silence, then hugged and went your separate ways.
+
+Years later, I'd take a picture of him and his husband after his graduation that I think they still have. Years after that, his husband would officiate JD and I's wedding.
+
+> When was the last time you talked with either of them?
+
+Bel favorited a tweet of mine not too long ago.
+
+> You grew up.
+
+Yeah, we all grew up. We bought houses. We got jobs.
+
+JD and Os dated for a little, and Bel and I nearly did. Even up until when I was working on polycul.es, we had dashed lines between us. I loved them.
+
+> 'Loved'?
+
+I still do. Very much so. But every year, that love gets more abstract. More academic.
+
+Bel and I clicked on a sexual and nerdy level on which Os and I seemed to miss each other. I wasn't toppy enough for Os, and the nerdery --- minus, briefly, EVE --- was work, for him.
+
+> Eventually, it got that way with you, too. And then you started feeling uncomfortable with sex.
+
+Our relationships were organic. We met randomly. We drifted closer, orbited each other, and then we drifted apart. The same happened with friends from high school and university. The same happened with friends from the PN on FurryMUCK.
+
+From those first, halting meetings, I wound up slowly working my way into meeting furries in person. First, there were the few at school. Then the few at the queer group. Then, in university, Os dragged me to Fort Fur Friday, which I attended basically until they moved out of Fort Collins. That's where I met JD.
+
+Then I managed to make it to Anthrocon 2005. Then Further Confusion 2007. I was sold.
+
+There's this trope that pokes its head up every now and then, that there is an age-out date for furry. A time when you realize you're too old for this shit and peace.
+
+> When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me.
+
+There is some of that, yes, but I like Qoheleth more than Paul. I like Ecclesiastes better than the epistles.
+
+> When you graduated high school, you stamped I Cor. 13 in your friends' yearbooks.
+
+When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me.
+
+> Well played.
+
+There is a time for reaping and a time for sowing; there is a time for being a hardcore nutjob furry and a time for taking a break and just being a human for a while.
+
+> This, too, is meaningless.
+
+Well played.

content/furry/006.md

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+---
+date: 2019-08-16
+weight: 6
+---
+
+A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up.
+
+My interest in furry wound down a bit in university. I'd burned myself a bit too hard, hurt too many people, grew too jaded to take part. I still prowled around the usual haunts on the MUCKs, still poked my head in FFF, still looked at all the art, [but my heart wasn't in it anymore](https://adjectivespecies.com/2012/03/21/makyos-kaddish/).
+
+> There was a reason behind this. There were people behind this.
+
+Well, true. I don't know how to square that with...well, a lot of things.
+
+> You don't know how to square that with how you felt about those people at the time.
+
+That's one aspect, yes. I also don't know how to square that with the fact that I was growing too jaded in a lot more than just furry. I grew jaded at school. I grew jaded at work. I struggled with my relationships. I struggled.
+
+> You struggled with gender.
+
+Well, yes, but I wasn't quite ready to admit that, yet.
+
+> You struggled with self harm.
+
+Yes.
+
+> You struggled with the intersections, the interstices, and the liminal spaces.
+
+I was going to write about [a][s]. Where are you taking me?
+
+> Straight homeward to your symbol-essences.
+
+Shall I not die, then?
+
+> Isn't that the point of writing?
+
+I'm pretty sure all our names are writ on water at this point.
+
+> Come now. You wanted to be Keats when you grew up.
+
+You're in a mood.
+
+> You're in a mood.
+
+Fine.
+
+Where are you taking me?
+
+> Let [a][s] speak for [a][s]. Let yourself speak for yourself.
+
+<a class="pulse" href="/furry/margaras">Okay</a>.

content/furry/007.md

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+---
+date: 2019-08-16
+weight:
+---
+
+> Who are you?
+
+I'm Madison Jesse Scott-Clary.
+
+> What are you?
+
+I...what?
+
+> Who are you?
+
+I answered you.
+
+> Tell me your names.
+
+I am Madison. I am Maddy. I am Makyo.
+
+> No Sarai? No Happenstance, or Younes?
+
+Sarai could die. I couldn't be her. Happenstance was a coping mechanism for gender. Younes was...
+
+> Tell me about Younes, then. That's where you started going before, right?
+
+Yeah, though you've certainly changed the tenor of it. The mood.
+
+> <a class="pulse" href="/furry/younes">No one said this project would be easy</a>.

content/furry/_index.md

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+---
+type: serial
+back: /13
+---

content/furry/fursona/00.md

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+---
+date: 2019-08-13
+weight: 1
+---
+
+<div class="cw">The following pages contain some flashing images (four per second) and brief glimpses of explicit furry art</div>

content/furry/fursona/01.md

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+---
+title: Ranna
+weight: 2
+date: 2019-08-14
+---
+
+![Ranna](/fursonas/ranna.gif)

content/furry/fursona/02.md

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+---
+title: Makyo
+weight: 3
+date: 2019-08-14
+---
+
+![Makyo](/fursonas/makyo.gif)

content/furry/fursona/03.md

@@ -0,0 +1,7 @@
+---
+title: Happenstance
+weight: 4
+date: 2019-08-14
+---
+
+![Happenstance](/fursonas/happenstance.gif)

content/furry/fursona/04.md

@@ -0,0 +1,7 @@
+---
+title: Macchi
+weight: 5
+date: 2019-08-14
+---
+
+![Macchi](/fursonas/macchi.gif)

content/furry/fursona/05.md

@@ -0,0 +1,7 @@
+---
+title: Ephah
+weight: 6
+date: 2019-08-14
+---
+
+![Ephah](/fursonas/ephah.gif)

content/furry/fursona/06.md

@@ -0,0 +1,7 @@
+---
+title: Younes
+weight: 7
+date: 2019-08-14
+---
+
+![Younes](/fursonas/younes.gif)

content/furry/fursona/07.md

@@ -0,0 +1,7 @@
+---
+title: Maddy
+weight: 8
+date: 2019-08-14
+---
+
+![Maddy](/fursonas/maddy.gif)

content/furry/fursona/08.md

@@ -0,0 +1,4 @@
+---
+title: Sarai
+weight: 9
+---

content/furry/fursona/_index.md

@@ -0,0 +1,4 @@
+---
+type: serial
+back: /furry/2
+---

content/furry/margaras/00.md

@@ -0,0 +1,18 @@
+---
+date: 2019-08-16
+weight: 1
+---
+
+<div class="cw">Death</div>
+
+Matthew didn't end when I changed my name. Matthew ended September 14th, 2012.
+
+> He died on the 6th. He just didn't know he was dead yet.
+
+May I post a log?
+
+> You ask your ally for permission?
+
+Alright.
+
+Watch the process of moving on.

content/furry/margaras/01.md

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+---
+date: 2019-08-16
+weight: 2
+---
+
+```
+Koray arrives from the foyer.
+Koray murmurs, "Margaras would come here, yes?"
+Kuttas says, "Possible. Who's asking?"
+Koray murmurs, "A bearer of bad news"
+Kuttas doesn't like the sound of that.
+Kuttas says, "What happened?"
+Koray murmurs, "http://www.obitmichigan.com/Obituary/13660/Ryan-Abbott"
+Koray murmurs, "Which is him, I believe"
+Kuttas says, "Fuck."
+MegaWolf blinks.
+Paladin barks, "It does look like him, without the glasses."
+Koray murmurs, "Sorry... I didn't mean to bring ya down"
+Koray murmurs, "I just thought you should all know"
+Kuttas says, "Thank you."
+Vetiver blinks.
+Vetiver quorks, "Gotta be kidding me."
+Koray nods. "Also, http://www.furaffinity.net/user/margaras/ if you wanna say anything."
+Srass says, "HOw did it happen?"
+Koray waves.
+MegaWolf -.- http://www.fox17online.com/news/fox17-ryan-abbott-soldier-from-grand-rapids-dies-in-washington-20120911,0,6686609.story
+Koray teleports away.
+Koray has left.
+Paladin barks, "Well, that first web page does identify him by name. Wow, that sucks."
+Himmel._.
+Himmel says, "GOddammit."
+Vetiver sighs. That's unbelievable.
+Vetiver quorks, "Dammit."
+Himmel says, "That... fucking sucks. ._."
+Cain frowns so fucking hard
+Kuttas says, "I'd noticed he hadn't been around in a while..."
+Srass says, "Well, he was a little more scarce of late, but..."
+Zhorah rumbles, "Wait, what happened?]\"
+Srass says, "He was on as recently as 9/3."
+Srass says, "Margaras died."
+Himmel says, "It doesn't specify."
+Kuttas says, "Car wreck."
+MegaWolf growls softly, "He'd only started being active again in the past few years. -.-"
+Zhorah rumbles, "o.o"
+Himmel says, "A car wreck?"
+Himmel says, "Seriously?"
+Vetiver never met him in person, but he's been a friend here for over a decade. :(
+Kuttas says, "Yeah"
+Cain curls up, is no ofuckingkaywith this
+MegaWolf growls softly, "I"ve pretty much known him ever since I've been here"
+Kuttas says, "That's what the second link said."
+MegaWolf squeezes Cain tightly.
+Paladin is surprised that whoever wrote the first obituary knew his online name to include it.
+Duelist growls quietly, "Oh fuck."
+Kuttas misses that the first time through.
+Dachande. Fuck :( That's just awful.
+Himmel nods.
+Zhorah hmmm
+Cain hides in xane
+Zhorah curls around Kuttas.
+MegaWolf yips
+Duelist rubs the back of his head.
+Dralen acks, "That's awful. Wut..."
+Cain doesn't know what to think. Margs was awesome. missing doesn't even begin to describe...
+Vetiver is just kind of in shock.
+Srass says, "I looked up the Michigan Patriot Guard.  They sound pretty damn awesome."
+Dachande. not really sure what to say about it, really lost someone good.
+Vetiver hugs Dachande. :(
+MegaWolf growls softly, "This is actually the first time someone close to me online has died, so I'm just... I don't know."
+Dachande. hugs and holds.
+Paladin barks, "We've had other furry deaths. Cyno, Furp ..."
+MegaWolf growls softly, "I do wonder how many of the ones who quietly faded away are dead."
+Paladin barks, "I would wager a few, Megs."
+Cain nods to Xane and noses in as well.
+MegaWolf growls softly, "Yeah, I'd barely even heard of Furp until he died. I guess he was really popular but I'd seen him on IRC a few times and that's it."
+Vetiver knew Furp, but Margaras was much more of a presence here, so it hits harder.
+Duelist growls quietly, "Yeah, Margs was a regular here."
+Himmel says, "You don't know how you are?"
+Dachande. says, "Yeah never knew Furp, Margs i've kown for a damn long time."
+Himmel nudges Mega.
+MegaWolf nips Himmel.
+Srass says, "I've lost one other friend my own age, someone I knew in person, but somehow this hit harder."
+Cain woofs, "it just feels unreal..."
+Srass says, "Yeah, it does."
+Himmel leans on Mega.
+Dralen dated Cyno. Knew Margaras for years. Knew Kedri really well,
+Vetiver wonders if Margaras ever met anyone from FM in person. I don't think he did. :/
+Kuttas says, "I keep thinking, I wish I'd gone to Seattle in January, like I'd planned."
+You yerf, "Vetiver: Rustitobuck."
+Kuttas says, "Equis."
+Vetiver quorks, "Oh, good."
+Cain woofs, "I'm trying to reach Equis right now"
+Kuttas hehs. Left voicemail... c.c
+Zhorah dun know anyone from here's number
+Himmel says, "I texted him."
+Himmel says, "And tweeted."
+Kuttas says, "Well, hell. He's gonna have a lot of messages from us, apparently..."
+JanusFox yips, "Wait... wtf..."
+Kuttas pets Djirin, smiling a little.
+JanusFox yips, "No :("
+JanusFox yips, "fuck."
+Vetiver quorks, "Always thought he was a really nice guy. He seemed to be a little directionless for a few years, when he was pretty scarce around here, but joining the army seemed to change things for him."
+Srass says, "He always seemed so fascinatingly enigmatic to me..."
+Kuttas nods.
+Srass says, "And he had one of the cooler names I ever ran across.  Sanskrit for 'hunter.'"
+Kuttas says, "Heh. I didn't know that."
+Srass says, "He didn't either when he first picked it out -- I forget where he said he did find it."
+Kuttas says, "He's one of the only people here I was immediately comfortable with."
+MegaWolf chuckles softly. "And apparently he never updated his pinfo, since about 1999..."
+MegaWolf growls softly, "I'd forgotten he wasn't always lynxy"
+Srass says, "His prism cat form was pretty. :)"
+Himmel says, "Srass: Rudyard Kipling."
+Duelist growls quietly, "Oh I got something for that. Known Margs for years....right? Whitest guy in the world, I mean, ya know, look at the pic, right? Kept me in funk-drumming rhythms forever. I mean, funk drumming. Not kidding. He gave me, like 4 funk-drumming music books."
+MegaWolf growls softly, "Yus. Now I remember it."
+Kuttas says, "He mentioned a while back that he thought he should update it."
+Vetiver quorks, "That's about when I first met him here."
+JanusFox yips, "Is that really him?  That's for sure him right?"
+Vetiver quorks, "Yeah."
+Duelist growls quietly, "You say enigmatic and I do not disagree, but man, that lynx was dynamic."
+MegaWolf growls softly, "The birthday in his pinfo matches, too."
+Himmel says, "The Michigan Obituary mentions him by name. Online."
+Kuttas says, "The obituatry names him as 'Margaras'/"
+JanusFox is stunned.
+Vetiver thinks we all are.
+Acy arrives from the foyer.
+Acy barkbark.
+Himmel is just... sad.
+Acy nose MegaRuff; SpookyFox.
+JanusFox yips, "He was too fucking nice to die :(("
+Kuttas says, "Acy: http://tinyurl.com/92fgx2d"
+Floid says, "It's almost like someone in training said 'this is what you're going to do with the rest of your life.'"
+MegaWolf squeezes Acy real tight.
+Acy says, "Wow, that's pretty fucked up.. o.o"
+Kuttas says, "I'm glad he'll be buried with honors."
+Himmel nods.
+Eibon has left.
+You yerf, "Not doing well with this, gonna sneak.  Keep being excellent.  Will stay and listen 'til I time out."
+Cain hugs Makyos
+Srass squeezes Makyo's shoulder.
+Kuttas ruffles Makyo.
+Floid whispers, "Floid extremehugs." to you.
+Mundy says, "Looks like Equis got the message(s)."
+Dralen nodnods, "He tweeted."
+Acy snickers a little. "He drove out to Chicago not long after I broke up with my ex.  We saw Mitch Hedberg."
+Acy says, "Nothing about cause of death."
+Srass says, "Car crash."
+JanusFox yips, "Car accident with a guard shack at 5am."
+Srass points to http://www.fox17online.com/news/fox17-ryan-abbott-soldier-from-grand-rapids-dies-in-washington-20120911,0,6686609.story
+Acy says, "Oh."
+JanusFox yips, "Whatever that means."
+Srass says, "It could be anything.  Sudden loss of consciousness, problem with his vehicle, swerving to avoid hitting something..."
+Kuttas says, "http://tinyurl.com/8tgj9y7"
+Srass says, "There's something gauche about putting 'more faces of meth' and 'a century of sex symbols' in a sidebar next to that article."
+Acy says, "If it bleeds it leads!"
+Srass says, "Fucking media."
+Dachande. says, "That's local news for ya."
+Dralen says deeply, "At 5am, eh? Probably fell asleep at the wheel."
+Duelist growls quietly, "There is other news....it's just....strange."
+JanusFox yips, "I will really, really miss that lynx."
+Acy says, "Other strange news?"
+Duelist - http://www.kirotv.com/news/news/soldier-killed-fiery-unexplained-crash-jblm-guard-/nR4ys/
+Duelist growls quietly, "It's...the first article before names were known and such"
+Duelist growls quietly, "It's just bizarre."
+Kuttas says, "10 Sep, they were still investigating."
+Duelist growls quietly, "This is a 6 Sep article."
+Floid says, "Maybe the NSA just decided to terminate their unnecessary furry-monitoring persona."
+Malkoten blinkblinks?  Margs?
+Srass says, "Yeah."
+Vetiver really hopes that wasn't a...deliberate crash. :(
+Srass says, "Me too. o.o"
+Malkoten not happy. :(
+Acy says, "It very well could have been."
+MegaWolf growls softly, "I don't like the first comment on that article."
+Acy fallsover.
+MegaWolf growls softly, "But it does make it seem more accidental"
+Dachande. says, "First comment says that guard tower is easy to hit and has been before due to being poorly lit."
+Kuttas says, "Jesus."
+JanusFox yips, "At 4am after being on base, all he was thinking of was going home."
+Duelist growls quietly, "I think he lived on base"
+JanusFox yips, "Ah."
+JanusFox yips, "He had access to firearms anyway... why chance it."
+JanusFox yips, "Had to be an accident."
+Cain woofs, "what the hell are you people talking about"
+Dralen says deeply, "Margaras was killed in a car accident."
+Kuttas says, "He lived in the barracks."
+Cain woofs, "no, I mean the conspiracy type bs"
+Cain woofs, "not the time to spin yarns"
+Dachande. says, "From the video it looks to be a pretty shitty location for that building."
+Kuttas says, "Most guard shacks are in bad places for a building."
+Dachande. nods, "They are designed to be in the way. Bleh."
+Floid says, "I just figure he would've enjoyed me keeping it weird."
+Cain woofs, "yeah, well, I guess you're right... :/"
+JanusFox sigh, "Fuck."
+JanusFox changes a few array pointers around and ends up someplace else.
+JanusFox has left.
+Duelist growls quietly, "Well, we got, like 25 people here who come here regularly and each one is gonna handle something like this differently, so lets be respectful and not jump on one another."
+Duelist growls quietly, "We're all gonna have a bit of a hair trigger for awhile."
+Malkoten goes straight to denial *nodnods*
+Vetiver snugs Malkoten.
+Cain is just reallyunhappyisall
+Himmel puts an arm 'round Cain.
+Srass says, "You're not alone."
+Kuttas says, "Heh. He -was- my MOS series. 94Y."
+KurtMRufa headshakes.
+Kuttas sighs.
+Dralen smooches on Kuttas and cuddles him and Srass together, stroking backs and shoulders.
+Srass squeezes Dralen.
+Kuttas hugs Dralen and Srass.
+Dachande. Huh, sunofabitch woot has a good deal on a damascan steal santoku
+Dralen is extra super sleepy after an incredibly elaborate Izakaya dinner tonight. "Time for sleep, folkses."
+Srass says, "Sleep well."
+Kuttas says, "Rest well."
+Djirin slinks to bed as well.  gooses about
+Djirin has left.
+Dralen says deeply, "Also, if you ever get the chance for lobster sashimi. Take it."
+Dralen meeps and flees.
+Dralen swishes his tail, and is gone.
+Dralen has left.
+Kyhwana arrives from the foyer.
+Kyhwana mrps and noses Srass "What happened? :(
+Vetiver quorks, "Margaras died last week."
+Duelist growls quietly, "I think its time for a drink."
+Kia says, "..."
+Kyhwana guessed as much, what happened? :(
+Srass says, "He apparently drove into an abandoned guard shack.  They're still trying to figure out why."
+Kyhwana ohs "Damn.
+Kyhwana curls up on Srass and whipmers
+MegaWolf nuzzles Kyhwana
+Srass hugs Kyhwana.
+Malkoten nods, pretty much the reaction everyone is having.
+Kyhwana nuzzles back.
+Vetiver quorks, "Just seems unreal somehow."
+Duelist growls quietly, "It does!"
+Duelist got no idea what to do or say or anything.
+Srass nods.
+Srass says, "Duelist's right.  This does call for a drink."
+Himmel says, "There's nothing to do or say."
+Mundy says, "Equis is probably a dozen drinks ahead of everyone"
+Kuttas says, "I know what to say. He was a damned fine man, a damned good friend, and I'm going to miss him like hell."
+Vetiver nods.
+Srass says, "Equis is a dozen drinks ahead of everyone on a good day."
+Srass nods to Kuttas.
+Himmel says, "I feel the same way. But I can't imagine anyone here -doesn't-."
+Duelist growls quietly, "Yeah, but this is sucky and tragic and un-called for."
+Srass nods.
+Duelist growls quietly, "That's kinda the problem with a crowd like this tho, ya know a 'relatively new' population...."
+Duelist growls quietly, "I mean, it's gonna be 50-60 years before we say 'awww yeah, but he was 96 years old, it was his time' kinda thing."
+Srass nods.  "This was wrong.  It was far too early."
+Himmel says, "It's always too early."
+Kyhwana bleh, shouldn't have just chekced his logs.
+Srass says, "Your logs?"
+Kyhwana purrrs, "MUCK logs."
+Kyhwana purrrs, "Well, technically it's a single log."
+Kuttas says, "Equis just said a few minutes ago that he needed a drink now."
+Himmel is going to go to bed. He's sad. He'll feel sad for a while.
+Kuttas hugs Himmel. "Rest well, cat."
+Himmel says, "You, too, Yena, when you do."
+Himmel winks out of sight in the sparkling glow of a space/time rift.
+Himmel has left.
+Mundy wants to see his toothycat now. :P
+Zhorah doesn't know how to feel
+Duelist growls quietly, "Well, a lot of us are probably rather numb at the moment."
+Kuttas will probably be grepping logs before long. Remembering what good times got recorded.
+Duelist growls quietly, "Hence the whole 'I dunno what to do, say, feel' thing...."
+Kyhwana does, he's sad!
+MegaWolf thinks he should go to bed.
+Kyhwana snugs MW
+Cain is going to go sleep too. Coughing worse the later he stays up
+1) Duelist  2 days ago -- Fallout IRL!
+2) Makyo  Today -- Margaras
+Use 'read <mesgnum>'to list a message.  Use 'read <keyword>' to list
+messages with a keyword.  Use 'read -' to read the next message.
+Done.
+MegaWolf squeezes Kyhwana extra tight
+2) Makyo  Today -- Margaras
+From: Makyo  22:26:18 09/14/12 PDT
+
+For those who do not yet know, Margaras passed away in a car accident on Sept. 6, and folks in the PN were notified Sept 14.  Here is the obituary: http://www.obitmichigan.com/Obituary/13660/Ryan-Abbott
+Personal bit, please feel free to skip ---
+He's one of those people that helped raise me in a way.  Not intentionally, of course, but in the way of an older friend, sort of like how I imagine an older brother helps to raise younger siblings.  Just sort of accidentally leading the way without really knowing any better.  I never had older siblings, and circumstances of my childhood and adolecense led me to seek out those who could play that role.
+I don't really know what that means about me, to be honest, that I sought out such a connection in such a place.  I think I've always craved someone in that role, of course, and having leadership more ready to admit fallabilty than my parents felt...refreshing, comforting, something.  Not that everyone's ready to admit fallability, but the ability to even talk about changes in life, even if they're for the negative, really adds a lot more human-ness, a lot more personality to someone in a guiding role than either of my parents offered when I was growing up.
+Anyway, I'm so glad for the time I had with him.  I'm sad now, sure, but I'll always remember him happily.  Remember singing "K A L A M A Z O Oh what a gaaaal...in Kalamazoooo" at him in high school when my choir sang that song, remember talking about music and all the day to day things in life.  There are a lot of people who fit into this role for me, and I'll be sad to see every one of them leave, no matter how they do so, but for tonight, cheers, Margaras.
+All my love.
+
+Done.
+Cain noses on Xane
+MegaWolf kisses Cain's nose, snouts Makyo
+Kuttas hugs Makyo.
+Makyo snootles folk, ahem.  REALLY goes to bed now :o)
+Cain teleports away.
+Cain has left.
+Zhorah feels bad about memories he does have
+Rigel has connected.
+Rigel oopses.
+Rigel winks out of sight in the sparkling glow of a space/time rift.
+Rigel has left.
+Malken has disconnected.
+MegaWolf has disconnected.
+KurtMRufa teleports away.
+KurtMRufa has left.
+Somewhere on the muck, KurtMRufa has disconnected.
+Sturgis arrives from the foyer.
+Duelist whips out his hockey stick. He 'skates' up to a sleeper, winds up and lets a slapshot go!
+MegaWolf is sent home.
+MegaWolf has left.
+Malken raises a warding finger, and says serenly,"Do not bother, I can provide my own transportation."  He then disappears in a swirl of darkness.
+Malken has left.
+Acy has disconnected.
+Acy has connected.
+Acy urph.
+Kyhwana noses Acy
+Acy rubs Kyhwana behind the ears.
+Kyhwana mewls
+Acy has disconnected.
+Duelist bedtime! G'nite all
+Duelist goes home.
+Duelist has left.
+Sturgis winks out of sight in the sparkling glow of a space/time rift.
+Sturgis has left.
+Kyhwana loafs all over Srass
+Srass petpets catloaf.
+Kyhwana purrup
+Dachande. going to go to bed as well, good night ya'll.
+Dachande. teleports away.
+Dachande. has left.
+Zhorah has disconnected.
+Vetiver goes home.
+Vetiver has left.
+Zhorah has connected.
+Zhorah back
+Zhorah has connected.
+Zhorah has connected.
+Zhorah has disconnected.
+Zhorah has disconnected.
+Kuttas' beer is being most uncooperative.
+Srass says, "How so?"
+Kuttas says, "Well, to start with, it's not a twist top. Then, the it broke my bottle opener. Then, the bottle opener on my leatherman wouldn't fit."
+Kuttas says, "In the end, though, it turns out there's a second bottle opener on the leatherman that -does- fit."
+Srass says, "That's one stubborn beer."
+Srass says, "A second bottle opener...?"
+Kuttas says, "Yeah."
+Kuttas says, "This is the SOG folding multitool they issued me at my last duty station in the Army. Apparently, they meant business when it came to beer. c.c"
+Srass says, "Damn. o.o"
+Kuttas drinks to Lynx.
+Malkoten rumbles, "I think that I am off to bed.  G'night folks."
+Srass says, "'Night."
+Kuttas says, "Good night."
+Kuttas says, "Rest well."
+Malkoten will do.
+Malkoten winks out of sight in the sparkling glow of a space/time rift.
+Malkoten has left.
+Kyhwana ponders cracking a beer even though he was hung over most of today
+Srass emails Kyhwana a Negra Modelo.
+Kuttas faxes an Alaskan Oatmeal Stout. The long distance charges are worth it. c.c
+Srass mmms, oatmeal stout. -.-
+Kyhwana mmms
+Kuttas hand-delivers one to Srass.
+Srass oohs! :3
+Singe arrives from the foyer.
+Fiend Plushie bounds in after Singe.
+Singe slinks, sprawls.
+Srass raises a glass to departed cats, and drinks.
+Kuttas raises, taps on the table, and drinks deeply.
+Zhorah has disconnected.
+Srass says, "I've heard it said that everybody's tastes are different."
+Kuttas gives exactly 0d0+0 fucks. He likes it.
+> Kuttas rolls 0d0+0 and gets for a result of 0.
+Kuttas points. "That many."
+Srass says, "We really don't need any more deaths around here. :-P"
+Kyhwana has some weird fruit sour beer thing in the fridge.
+Srass says, "Like a lambic or something?"
+Kyhwana purrrs, "Except brewed here.."
+Srass aahs.
+Singe growls, "Margaras died? :("
+Srass says, "Yeah."
+Kuttas says, "Singe:  http://tinyurl.com/92fgx2d"
+Singe growls, "jeez"
+Singe growls, "what happened? :("
+Kuttas says, "Early morning single-vehicle wreck. Collided with a building."
+Singe sighs.
+Singe growls, "feeling more and more lucky by the da"
+Singe growls, "day"
+Kyhwana didn't follow him on twitter or vice versa, so can't see his tweets :(
+Srass says, "His last post on LiveJournal has a really jawdroppingly gorgeous picture in it, though."
+Somewhere on the muck, Tigerwolf has disconnected.
+Paladin barks, "Of himself?"
+Kuttas says, "Whose?"
+Srass |http://i104.photobucket.com/albums/m170/margaras/Vacation-Jun2012/TwinFalls1.jpg
+Srass says, "Of where he went on vacation, apparently."
+Kuttas ahs.
+Kuttas says, "Firefox is being retarded, trying to load it via HTTPS. This is pissing me off."
+Kuttas says, "Yeah, that's a nice photo..."
+Srass says, "Well.  What an unbelievably shitty way to start a weekend."
+Kuttas hugs Srass and leans.
+Srass hugs Kuttas.
+Srass says, "Okay, I'm going to have to go to sleep, whether I like the idea or not.  Good night, gentlemen."
+Kyhwana snugs Srass "Night
+Srass hugs Kyhwana.
+Srass steps behind a molecule.
+Srass has left.
+Kyhwana lifts up the rug and pushes all the sleepers under it.. he jumps on it a few times and the rug goes flat
+Acy is sent home.
+Acy has left.
+Zhorah is sent home.
+Zhorah has left.
+Singe leans on Paladin.
+Paladin cuddles Singe softly. "Have some pizza."
+Singe growls, "saving it for tomorrow night"
+Singe growls, "don't feel like sectioning olives right now"
+Paladin just got some now! You can have some of his!
+Singe eats.
+Paladin barks, "Nom nom nom!"
+Singe earperks. "someone made A Wrinkle In Time into a graphic novel. ._."
+Scruff arrives from the foyer.
+Scruff sneaks in
+Kyhwana picks up Scruff and puts him in his lap and petpets
+Scruff dangles, briefly, then nestles in against leopardtummy
+Scruff halfcurls against one of Kyh's paws
+Kyhwana petpets Scruff some more and sighs
+Scruff mrow? What's up?
+Kyhwana points at the board?
+Scruff ;.;
+Kuttas says, "I think I'm gonna go to bed."
+Kuttas says, "Try to have a good night, friends."
+Kyhwana snugs Kuttas too "Night
+Kuttas hugs.
+Kuttas sneakyhyenas into the shadows. c.c
+Kyhwana ruffles scruff headfur
+Scruff wriggles a bit closer against the leopardkitty. "It's really not fair, he was such a nice guy!"
+Kyhwana nods..
+Felder arrives from the foyer.
+Felder whuffles to all
+Kyhwana purrrs, "Hey Felder"
+Felder mindsends, "Hi Kyh"
+Felder flops onto a seat and sighs out
+Scruff pads over to Felder, winds around his legs
+Felder hugs on Scruff tight
+Scruff has disconnected.
+Scruff has connected.
+Scruff bites his connection.
+Scruff pads over to Feldy, winds around his legs
+Felder hugs on Scruff again
+Scruff nosebumps pn0y and leopardkitty, sneaks out for a bit. Gotta head into London for a few hours!
+Scruff teleports away.
+Scruff has left.
+Felder winks out of sight in the sparkling glow of a space/time rift.
+Felder has left.
+Kyhwana erfs
+Zeph arrives from the foyer.
+Zeph rowr.
+Kyhwana snugs Zephs
+ZeitOtter arrives from the foyer.
+ZeitOtter actually lives though he's been gone for nearly half a year
+Kyhwana purrrs, "Hey Zeit"
+ZeitOtter says, " so many new faces other than Singe. " snickers " and Mundy as well as Floid. " teases " Oldies. ""
+Kyhwana noses Zeit at the board. And Zeph too.
+Zeph hugs him some Kyhmew!
+ZeitOtter says, " So what's been going on eh? "
+Kyhwana clings to Zephs
+ZeitOtter says, " Heh, lovely"
+Singe rolls his eyes somehow.
+Kyhwana eyes Singes eyes
+Singe growls, "Margaras died. :("
+Zeph mews, "Wait, what?"
+Kyhwana nods
+Singe growls, "I am told it was a car accident."
+Kyhwana ers "Makyo's post on the board.
+Zeph mrf. No more lynx.
+JanusFox arrives from the foyer.
+Zeph squeezes on SpookyFox.
+JanusFox hugs Zeph.
+ZeitOtter has disconnected.
+Mundy has disconnected.
+
+You have been logged out due to inactivity.
+% Connection to furry closed by foreign host.
+```

content/furry/margaras/05.md

@@ -0,0 +1,36 @@
+---
+date: 2019-08-16
+weight: 22
+---
+
+> Thank you.
+
+I was going to save that for September sixth.
+
+> I know.
+
+You made me cry.
+
+> I know.
+
+You hurt me.
+
+> I know. It's been seven years.
+
+<div class="verse"><em>Yit'gadal v'yit'kadash sh'mei raba</em>
+Would that I had the faith
+To pray daily.
+Eleven months to let you go,
+And an amen to end the sorrow.</div>
+
+> It's okay to not let go of some things.
+
+How? How so? How could that possibly be true? How could one possible grow as a person with not letting go of something?
+
+> It's okay to not let go of some things, and to use them to inform your growth in the future. It's okay to use grief to become a better person.
+
+I guess.
+
+But it still hurts.
+
+> I know. We can continue.

content/furry/margaras/_index.md

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+---
+type: serial
+back: /furry/7
+---

content/furry/younes/02.md

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+---
+date: 2019-08-17
+weight: 23
+---
+
+Back in 2011 and 2012, I started to really loathe being me.
+
+> 'Started'?
+
+Well, okay, in a very specific way. I started hating the anger. I started hating the expectations. I starting hating the toxicity.
+
+> You started hating a lot more than that.
+
+I started hating my brain and my body. I started hating the coarseness of me. I started hating all my angles. I started hating my hair and my face and my genitals and my lies.
+
+I was lying to JD. I was lying to work. I was lying to Tyson. I was lying to everyone who saw me online as a girl, and I was lying to everyone who saw me online as a boy. I was in a liminal place where I could tell no one the truth.
+
+> Not even yourself.
+
+Not yet, at least.
+
+There were a few easy steps to take, of course. I saw a doctor who got me on meds.
+
+> Tell me about suicide.
+
+Not yet. Don't derail me for a bit. I need some breathing room after yesterday.
+
+> Tell me about Younes, then.
+
+I'm getting there.
+
+I started taking my own meds alongside those the doctor gave me. I started the slow process of ridding myself of testosterone. I hated my body so much, I did my best to camp out up in my head, to remove at least one means of having to interact with it: sex.
+
+> Go back. Before that.
+
+Before that, I changed how I presented. I changed Makyo to be genderless. Started going by 'it' pronouns. And I made Younes.
+
+Younes was a means for me to no longer lie. Or at least knock the severity of the lies down a few notches.
+
+Younes was like me. He looked like a guy, but had something decidedly feminine about him.
+
+> Don't be coy: he had a vagina.
+
+Well, yes, but he wasn't simply male in all his interactions. He was effeminate, without being flamey. He could be both more and less than a guy.
+
+> Let's talk about kink.
+
+Soon, soon.

content/furry/younes/03.md

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+---
+date: 2019-08-18
+weight: 24
+---
+
+There's a few things that I did wrong, here.
+
+> Objectively?
+
+Yes. Or maybe, wrong by consensus. Wrong subjectively, and also wrong by the standards of many of those around me.
+
+> Did they feel wrong at the time?
+
+They felt shameful.
+
+> Is shame wrong?
+
+Not always. It can be an indicator, I suppose.
+
+> It's a tool. It's a tool to tell you when you're being vulnerable. In this case, vulnerable in your uncertainty.
+
+I suppose.
+
+I handled this in a way that made me feel a lot of shame. I was uncertain about a lot.
+
+> If you had done so unabashedly, would that have made it any better?
+
+I don't know, honestly.
+
+> What were you uncertain about?
+
+I was uncertain about the approach. I was uncertain about the terminology. I was uncertain about how it made me feel. That last most of all, probably.
+
+I approached Younes as a primarily sexual facet of myself. After all, what's the point of making a character with both a penis and a vagina, I thought, if there isn't going to be some aspect of sexuality to it?
+
+> There may be a great many points besides that.
+
+Yeah, I know that now. Uncertain, remember?
+
+> Always.
+
+So I made an altersex character that was primarily sexual in nature. that was the approach. And then I called him a 'male-herm'.
+
+> Ouch.
+
+Yeah, ouch. The term does not fit so well these days. Some folks own it, and I'm happy for them, but even then, the term rankled. It took a lot of history and turned it, for a lot of folks, into a fetish. A lot of intersex folks are really unhappy with it being used. Ditto 'futanari'.
+
+It's understandable, too. Like, I've dealt with chasers. Folks who fetishize my gender, my presentation, my body.
+
+> It's understandable now.
+
+Yes. Uncertainty.
+
+It made me feel almost right. It made me feel like I was on the edge of something. It made me feel just around the corner from a revelation. It made me doubt myself. It made me doubt my place in the world. It was both a symptom and the cause of my hatred for body.
+
+> For your body, or for yourself?
+
+Both, I suppose. It was a symptom of this growing unease, this feeling of being just a few millimeters to the left of myself. This feeling of being just slightly out of focus.
+
+A rangefinder camera uses a ghostly yellow image overlaid atop the real image when you look through the viewfinder. When you turn the ring of the lens to focus, that ghost slowly shifts to align with the object you want to be in focus.
+
+> Your view of yourself was slowly slipping from focus. Matthew was starting to lose coherency.
+
+And Younes was one of the means of slowly dragging that back into focus.
+
+It doesn't matter how right or wrong it was of me to use this tool. It does matter how wrong I was in the mechanics of the scenario.
+
+> You hid him. You covered him up and kept him from the world. You interacted with a completely different crowd, as Younes than you did as Makyo or Macchi. When that overlapped with Rikky, it was awkward.
+
+It was, and not because of the altersex part. We interacted that way with Makyo as altersex, too, amd that didn't feel awkward at all. It felt like cheating to engage with the world as Younes. It felt shameful.
+
+> The thing that you did wrong was to lie.

content/furry/younes/04.md

@@ -0,0 +1,30 @@
+---
+date: 2019-08-18
+weight: 25
+---
+
+Growing up, I had a real problem with lying.
+
+> There were reasons.
+
+That doesn't mean it wasn't a problem. That doesn't make it right.
+
+> It shifts more into the gray area.
+
+Let's talk about dad later. Life began at high school, remember? We can talk about the kid who grew up to be born freshman year some other time.
+
+> The problem with lying is often the problem of secrets. The only secret that can be kept is when only one person knows it, and even then it's not guaranteed.
+
+Yes.
+
+> And you got found out.
+
+Yes.
+
+> And it cost you.
+
+Yes. It cost me friends. It cost me sanity. It made me jerk away from the path I'd started down. Made me jerk out of focus again.
+
+> Let's talk about TIASAP.
+
+<a class="pulse" href="/self-harm">Yes</a>.

content/furry/younes/_index.md

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+---
+type: serial
+back: /14
+---