Start on writing, but also reorganize everything

content/self-harm/01.md

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+---
+date: 2019-08-18
+weight: 1
+---
+
+<div class="cw">Self harm</div>
+
+Self harm is a recurring theme within my life.
+
+It takes so many forms, too. The cutting and burning, sure, but also the self-sabotage. Dropping my testosterone to zero. If approaching this in a sexual fashion was wrong, then remove the sexuality.
+
+> An obvious solution.
+
+I punished myself for what I did. If was fetishizing, if I was causing harm, then I deserved to suffer for it. I removed my sexuality from the picture. Cyproterone acetate twice a day and medroxyprogesterone every two weeks does a really good job of that.
+
+I tell myself now that if I belive something to be true when I'm depressed as well as when I'm hypomanic, it's more likely to be right.
+
+> One of us only tells the truth, and one of us only lies.
+
+Perhaps if I still felt like I existed a few millimeters to the left of my body when sex wasn't a part of the equation, I was more likely to be right in pursuing the path of gender exploration.
+
+I talked with JD about this, he helped me out, but I told basically no one else. I tanked my T and attempted to learn from my punishment.
+
+> Now now, what did we say about secrets?
+
+And then I let it slip on FurryMUCK, yes.
+
+> You spilled the beans.
+
+Yes. Then I admitted it. I talked about it.
+
+>  You spoiled the surprise.
+
+Everyone was so confused.
+
+> Lapsus linguae.
+
+I was so ashamed.
+
+> You spoke too soon.
+
+Even my punishment was wrong.
+
+> It was the last thing <a class="pulse" href="/furry/margaras">Margaras</a> heard from you.
+
+Never mind stopping myself from creating Younes, nevermind stopping myself from chemical castration; if I could go back in time, I would stop myself from saying anything for just a few more days.
+
+> He died knowing that about you.
+
+If Margaras had to die, I would that he not die with that being the last he heard from me.
+
+> You cannot take that back.
+
+If Younes, chemcast, and Margs' death are immutable, if losing my friends was inevitable, at least let me delay the hour of my mistake.
+
+> You cannot.
+
+Please.
+
+> You cannot.
+
+Oh god.
+
+> It was the last thing he heard from you.
+
+Merciful god, please take me away.
+
+> You never spoke to him again.
+
+I will close my eyes and my heart and become a stone.

content/self-harm/02.md

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+---
+date: 2019-08-18
+weight: 2
+---
+
+<div class="cw">Self harm</div>
+
+<div class="verse">There is too much fire in me
+    to be described by the soldering iron's tip.</div>
+
+> I must not fear.
+
+<div class="verse">Were I to draw it across my skin,
+    it would all spill out at once.</div>
+
+> Fear is the mind-killer.
+
+<div class="verse">I'd melt, eaten whole by flames,
+    and flow into a pool of molten glass.</div>
+
+> Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
+
+<div class="verse">Sublimation would claim me,
+    atoms would scatter, diffuse.</div>
+
+> I will face my fear.
+
+<div class="verse">I would be borne up through the clouds,
+    and grow lighter by the second.</div>
+
+> I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
+
+<div class="verse">All that energy poured to the air around me,
+    an imperceptible increase in temperature.</div>
+
+> And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
+
+<div class="verse">Particle would excite particle
+    until I'm felt only as warmth on your face.</div>
+
+> Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
+
+<div class="verse">But even that would not be enough.</div>
+
+> Only I will remain.

content/self-harm/03.md

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+---
+date: 2019-08-18
+weight: 3
+---
+
+TIASAP stands for *The Ill-Advised Self-Administration Period*.
+
+This is why.
+
+I was unsafe about it.
+
+I lost my sexuality for years.
+
+I turned the need for change into punishment.
+
+The color drained from my universe. The flavor was gone from food. I could not smell.
+
+> And when you added in a bit of estrogen, you wept at the return of sensation.
+
+I tell myself now that if I belive something to be true when I'm depressed as well as when I'm hypomanic, it's more likely to be right.
+
+And, well.
+
+<a class="pulse" href="/transition">Now I knew it was right</a>.
+
+But I was unsafe, I was punishing myself, and I did it all on purpose.
+
+> Why ruin your life on accident when you can do it on purpose?

content/self-harm/_index.md

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+---
+type: serial
+back: /14
+---