Start on writing, but also reorganize everything

content/self-harm/01.md

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+---
+date: 2019-08-18
+weight: 1
+---
+
+<div class="cw">Self harm</div>
+
+Self harm is a recurring theme within my life.
+
+It takes so many forms, too. The cutting and burning, sure, but also the self-sabotage. Dropping my testosterone to zero. If approaching this in a sexual fashion was wrong, then remove the sexuality.
+
+> An obvious solution.
+
+I punished myself for what I did. If was fetishizing, if I was causing harm, then I deserved to suffer for it. I removed my sexuality from the picture. Cyproterone acetate twice a day and medroxyprogesterone every two weeks does a really good job of that.
+
+I tell myself now that if I belive something to be true when I'm depressed as well as when I'm hypomanic, it's more likely to be right.
+
+> One of us only tells the truth, and one of us only lies.
+
+Perhaps if I still felt like I existed a few millimeters to the left of my body when sex wasn't a part of the equation, I was more likely to be right in pursuing the path of gender exploration.
+
+I talked with JD about this, he helped me out, but I told basically no one else. I tanked my T and attempted to learn from my punishment.
+
+> Now now, what did we say about secrets?
+
+And then I let it slip on FurryMUCK, yes.
+
+> You spilled the beans.
+
+Yes. Then I admitted it. I talked about it.
+
+>  You spoiled the surprise.
+
+Everyone was so confused.
+
+> Lapsus linguae.
+
+I was so ashamed.
+
+> You spoke too soon.
+
+Even my punishment was wrong.
+
+> It was the last thing <a class="pulse" href="/furry/margaras">Margaras</a> heard from you.
+
+Never mind stopping myself from creating Younes, nevermind stopping myself from chemical castration; if I could go back in time, I would stop myself from saying anything for just a few more days.
+
+> He died knowing that about you.
+
+If Margaras had to die, I would that he not die with that being the last he heard from me.
+
+> You cannot take that back.
+
+If Younes, chemcast, and Margs' death are immutable, if losing my friends was inevitable, at least let me delay the hour of my mistake.
+
+> You cannot.
+
+Please.
+
+> You cannot.
+
+Oh god.
+
+> It was the last thing he heard from you.
+
+Merciful god, please take me away.
+
+> You never spoke to him again.
+
+I will close my eyes and my heart and become a stone.