ebook ver

book/content/afterword.tex

@@ -41,7 +41,7 @@ www.patreon.com/cadmiumtea}
 \begin{rightcolumn}
     \null
     \vfill
-\noindent Madison Scott-Clary is a transgender \mbox{author}, poet, and programmer. She is also the editor-in-chief of Hybrid Ink, LLC, a small publisher focused on thoughtful fiction, exploratory poetry, and creative non-fiction. She lives in the Pacific Northwest with her cat and two dogs, as well as her husband, who is also a dog.\index{Relationships!James}\index{Dogs}\index{Furry}
+\noindent Madison Scott-Clary is a transgender \mbox{author}, poet, and programmer. She is also the editor-in-chief of Hybrid Ink, LLC, a small publisher focused on thoughtful fiction, exploratory poetry, and creative non-fiction. She lives in the Pacific Northwest with her cat and two dogs, as well as her husband, who is also a dog.\index{Relationships!JD}\index{Dogs}\index{Furry}
 
 
 \begin{center}

book/content/ally/020.tex

@@ -80,7 +80,7 @@ You'd have to be in the same place as me, and you're not.
 \begin{ally}
 I don't have a place.
 \end{ally}
-Right. \emph{You're not person shaped,} I said. \emph{You're the shape of my hands displaced half an inch behind my own, navy blue and trimmed with sea-foam green.}
+Right. \emph{You're not person shaped,} I said. \emph{You're the shape of my hands displaced half an inch behind my own, navy blue and trimmed with sea-foam green.}\index{Numinous!colors}
 
 \begin{ally}
 I don't have physicality. I don't have boundaries.

book/content/dad.tex

@@ -701,7 +701,7 @@ Yes. Matthew had died, and we were doing Thanksgiving together.
 \begin{ally}
 It was nice.
 \end{ally}
-It was. He had come to the wedding, so the truth was out, as it were, about JD and I, though he surely had known already. During one of his prior visits to Fort Collins, he had invited me down to grab dinner with him in Lakewood sometime, saying, ``You can bring your\ldots{}ah, you can bring James with you, too.''
+It was. He had come to the wedding, so the truth was out, as it were, about JD and I, though he surely had known already. During one of his prior visits to Fort Collins, he had invited me down to grab dinner with him in Lakewood sometime, saying, ``You can bring your\ldots{}ah, you can bring JD with you, too.''
 
 \begin{ally}
 Tell me about `man'.
@@ -749,7 +749,7 @@ In all, things are going well, though I think I need to be more honest about a b
 
 In my life as a gay man, I believe I only ever really come out in an explicit manner once.  I was in high school, in my first week of classes, and our counselors came around to our homeroom class to hold some getting-to-know-you exercise.  This consisted of a lot of bored kids and one ``excited'' counselor asking us a series of yes or no questions and having us move to one side of the room for `yes' and the other for `no'.  Being in a progressive town, I didn't expect to be the only kid to answer the question "Will you get married when you grow up?" with no, but sure enough, I was.  I was feeling brave, so, when I was questioned about my response in front of the class, mumbled, "gay marriage is illegal, and I'm gay."
 
-All of the other times I had to come out to family or friends, it was something assumed, or something hinted at.  When I came out to my mom, I did so by leaving a book about gay teens and their stories on her stack of books to read.  Coming out at work at my first job out of college was a matter of being "the one hired by the gay manager", and coming out at my second job was a matter of my relationship with James being included in a portfolio piece --- a data-visualization résumé about my life. When I \emph{officially} came out to you, I did so by inviting you to my wedding to James.  Prior to that, although I assume it was common knowledge, it was unspoken.
+All of the other times I had to come out to family or friends, it was something assumed, or something hinted at.  When I came out to my mom, I did so by leaving a book about gay teens and their stories on her stack of books to read.  Coming out at work at my first job out of college was a matter of being "the one hired by the gay manager", and coming out at my second job was a matter of my relationship with JD being included in a portfolio piece --- a data-visualization résumé about my life. When I \emph{officially} came out to you, I did so by inviting you to my wedding to JD.  Prior to that, although I assume it was common knowledge, it was unspoken.
 
 Needless to say, I'm not all that good at coming out.
 

book/content/furry/furry.tex

@@ -262,7 +262,7 @@ You grew up.
 \end{ally}
 Yeah, we all grew up. We bought houses. We got jobs.
 
-James and Os dated for a little, and Bel and I nearly did. Even up until when I was working on polycul.es, we had dashed lines between us. I loved them.
+JD and Os dated for a little, and Bel and I nearly did. Even up until when I was working on polycul.es, we had dashed lines between us. I loved them.
 
 \begin{ally}
 `Loved'?
@@ -276,7 +276,7 @@ Eventually, it got that way with you, too. And then you started feeling uncomfor
 \end{ally}
 Our relationships were organic. We met randomly. We drifted closer, orbited each other, and then we drifted apart. The same happened with friends from high school and university. The same happened with friends from the PN on FurryMUCK.
 
-From those first, halting meetings, I wound up slowly working my way into meeting furries in person. First, there were the few at school. Then the few at the queer group. Then, in university, Os dragged me to Fort Fur Friday, which I attended basically until they moved out of Fort Collins. That's where I met James.\index{Relationships!James}
+From those first, halting meetings, I wound up slowly working my way into meeting furries in person. First, there were the few at school. Then the few at the queer group. Then, in university, Os dragged me to Fort Fur Friday, which I attended basically until they moved out of Fort Collins. That's where I met JD.\index{Relationships!JD}
 
 Then I managed to make it to Anthrocon 2005. Then Further Confusion 2007. I was sold.
 

book/content/furry/younes.tex

@@ -15,7 +15,7 @@ You started hating a lot more than that.
 \end{ally}
 I started hating my brain and my body. I started hating the coarseness of me. I started hating all my angles. I started hating my hair and my face and my genitals and my lies.
 
-I was lying to James. I was lying to work. I was lying to Tyson. I was lying to everyone who saw me online as a girl, and I was lying to everyone who saw me online as a boy. I was in a liminal place where I could tell no one the truth.\index{Relationships!James}\index{Relationships!Tyson}
+I was lying to JD. I was lying to work. I was lying to Tyson. I was lying to everyone who saw me online as a girl, and I was lying to everyone who saw me online as a boy. I was in a liminal place where I could tell no one the truth.\index{Relationships!JD}\index{Relationships!Tyson}
 
 \begin{ally}
 Not even yourself.

book/content/gender/gender.tex

@@ -106,7 +106,7 @@ I remember laying on the couch --- that awful, awful yellow couch --- and him ge
 \begin{ally}
 As you said.
 \end{ally}
-I remember scooting back up into a sitting position, facing James, with us sitting by the picture window in the living room. I remember words coming out in a jumble. I remember leaning heavily on similes. I remember taking lots of breaks as though I was collecting my thoughts when really I was trying to talk without my voice going all gross with tears. That horrible, bubbly, trapped-in-my-chest sound that comes with trying to talk while crying.\index{Relationships!James}
+I remember scooting back up into a sitting position, facing JD, with us sitting by the picture window in the living room. I remember words coming out in a jumble. I remember leaning heavily on similes. I remember taking lots of breaks as though I was collecting my thoughts when really I was trying to talk without my voice going all gross with tears. That horrible, bubbly, trapped-in-my-chest sound that comes with trying to talk while crying.\index{Relationships!JD}
 
 I remember explaining to him that I'd been spending so much time online having different parts than I actually had, that it was super jarring to have it brought into focus that that was actually not the case. I tried to say how, feeling him aroused and pressing against me, pressing between my legs, it hurt on a very emotional level that he was pressing only against my perineum and not against a vulva.
 
@@ -120,7 +120,7 @@ They were things that I could feel and not say. They were as yet ineffable. They
 \begin{ally}
 And they were frightening. Too frightening to say.
 \end{ally}
-Yes, had I the words, I would not have been able to say them out of fear. Fear that they might drive James away, but also fear that they might be true, because if they were true, I was fucked.
+Yes, had I the words, I would not have been able to say them out of fear. Fear that they might drive JD away, but also fear that they might be true, because if they were true, I was fucked.
 \newpage
 
 \begin{ally}

book/content/gender/surgery.tex

@@ -334,7 +334,7 @@ that which was probably memory to begin with.
   of the night over BP cuffs. They helped with bedpan duty,\\
   thankless though it was. Another patient would cry, flutey,\\
   and they'd hurry off. I remember none of their names.\\
-  Every now and then, when he made it down to Portland, James\\
+  Every now and then, when he made it down to Portland, JD\\
   would visit, perhaps spend the night.
 
   {\fontspec{Merriweather Sans Italic}[Scale=0.9,Color=444444FF,Ligatures=TeX]

book/content/liminal.tex

@@ -308,7 +308,7 @@ Ooh, and Ecclasiastes, you spoil me.
 \begin{ally}
 Treat, as they say, yourself. Carry on.
 \end{ally}
-There were little fits and starts between James and I. I remember laying on the couch --- that awful, awful yellow couch --- and him getting playful, and then some little movement of his touched a nerve and I started crying because of the way that brushed up against that me that wasn't in focus. It brought it to the forefront the fact that I didn't align with myself, that there was a lag in my proprioception, that I was falling behind myself.
+There were little fits and starts between JD and I. I remember laying on the couch --- that awful, awful yellow couch --- and him getting playful, and then some little movement of his touched a nerve and I started crying because of the way that brushed up against that me that wasn't in focus. It brought it to the forefront the fact that I didn't align with myself, that there was a lag in my proprioception, that I was falling behind myself.
 
 Is there some word for ecstasy that doesn't imply it being positive? Something that captures the feeling of being outside oneself, beside oneself, behind oneself without implying the sense of greatness, of awe that goes along with spiritual \emph{ekstasis}?
 

book/content/poly.tex

@@ -36,7 +36,7 @@ Stop trying to get me to talk about mania.
 
 At first, I was proud of my relationships. Then I was embarrassed. There were so many, all in a line. One would trickle into existence with, as I put it, \emph{light, in through the head, out through the heart}. We'd be perfect, until we weren't. Everything would be delightful, until it wasn't. It's the way of early relationships, I suppose. You fall for someone, and you can't quite pick apart the difference between love and lust.
 
-I just went through so many that I started feeling a bit weird about it. How do I talk about the Danny-Marek-Merlin-Andrew-Michael-Andy-Rikky-Kayla-Tyson-Andrew(again) progression? And how do I talk about Lon? Or what James and I were at the beginning?
+I just went through so many that I started feeling a bit weird about it. How do I talk about the Danny-Marek-Merlin-Andrew-Michael-Andy-Rikky-Kayla-Tyson-Andrew(again) progression? And how do I talk about Lon? Or what JD and I were at the beginning?
 
 \begin{ally}
 Doubtless with the same lilac-scented words you talk about everything.
@@ -309,7 +309,7 @@ Yes, but you all spoke queer. None of you really spoke normative, a skill you're
 \end{ally}
 \newpage
 
-\noindent I've been married for eight years. Robin and I have been together for more than six. I've been with both Judith and Justin for more than five. My polycule has grown steadily over the years, and I have to wonder: how much of my polyamory, my relationship anarchy is a coping mechanism for how I was raised?\index{Relationships!James}\index{Relationships!Robin}\index{Relationships!Judith}\index{Relationships!Justin}
+\noindent I've been married for eight years. Robin and I have been together for more than six. I've been with both Judith and Justin for more than five. My polycule has grown steadily over the years, and I have to wonder: how much of my polyamory, my relationship anarchy is a coping mechanism for how I was raised?\index{Relationships!JD}\index{Relationships!Robin}\index{Relationships!Judith}\index{Relationships!Justin}
 
 \begin{ally}
 Does it matter?

book/content/self-harm/self-harm.tex

@@ -1,5 +1,5 @@
 \label{selfharm:selfharm}
-\index{Mental health!self harm}
+\index{Mental health!self harm|(}
 \renewcommand*{\footnoterule}{%
   \kern-3pt%
   \color[HTML]{dddddd}\hrule width 0.4\columnwidth
@@ -188,6 +188,7 @@ Why ruin your life on accident when you can do it on purpose?
 \newpage
 \null
 \thispagestyle{empty}
+\index{Mental health!self harm|)}
 \newpage
 
 \end{leftcolumn}

book/content/self-harm/suicide.tex

@@ -135,7 +135,7 @@ No, and there's the problem.
 
 \noindent When I first started therapy, I did what I thought was the right thing by bringing an open mind. It wasn't enough for me to seek help, I had to be told what was wrong with me. So anxious was I to not diagnose myself, I had to let someone do the work to pry the symptoms from me.\index{Mental health!anxiety}
 
-I didn't tell Dr Johnston that I was feeling bad. I told him my boss told me I was angry. I didn't tell him that I was depressed, I told him that James was worried about how anxious I was.
+I didn't tell Dr Johnston that I was feeling bad. I told him my boss told me I was angry. I didn't tell him that I was depressed, I told him that JD was worried about how anxious I was.
 
 \begin{ally}
 And so you got treated for anxiety.
@@ -241,14 +241,14 @@ I really don't know.
 \begin{ally}
 Tell me what happened after.
 \end{ally}
-I started whispering James' name--\index{Relationships!James}
+I started whispering JD' name--\index{Relationships!JD}
 
 \begin{ally}
 Both times?
 \end{ally}
 Both times. I started whispering his name, then eventually swallowed the miniscule bit of pride I had left and called out loud enough to wake him up. ``Can you come help me?'' I asked. It took asking two more times before he got up. I found out later that he thought I had made a mess and just wanted help cleaning up, thinking that I should just clean up my own messes. A good point, that.
 
-Though the rest of the night in March is still sort of a blur --- I hadn't totally gotten out of the state that I was in, just woken up enough to engage with the mechanics --- I do remember James helping me to clean and bandage my arm as we sat on the floor of the bathroom, the dog occasionally wandering in and out. The whole time, I was still sobbing, blubbering out, ``I don't want to leave you, I don't want to leave Zephyr, I don't know why I did that, I'm sorry'' over and over again.\index{Dogs}
+Though the rest of the night in March is still sort of a blur --- I hadn't totally gotten out of the state that I was in, just woken up enough to engage with the mechanics --- I do remember JD helping me to clean and bandage my arm as we sat on the floor of the bathroom, the dog occasionally wandering in and out. The whole time, I was still sobbing, blubbering out, ``I don't want to leave you, I don't want to leave Zephyr, I don't know why I did that, I'm sorry'' over and over again.\index{Dogs}
 \newpage
 
 \index{Journal entries}
@@ -288,7 +288,7 @@ After a time, I suppose I just lost it. I got up and started pacing the room, wa
 
 I locked myself in the bathroom and broke down again.
 
-Both James and Karl checked in on me throughout the next few hours, but it was mostly spent huddled up on the cold tile of the floor feeling awful about both myself and what I'd done --- that it had any effect on those around me was just starting to hit home. I will not lie that, several times throughout the night, I wished that I had succeeded in order to not be going through what I was going through at the time. I simply couldn't stand what I'd done.
+Both JD and Karl checked in on me throughout the next few hours, but it was mostly spent huddled up on the cold tile of the floor feeling awful about both myself and what I'd done --- that it had any effect on those around me was just starting to hit home. I will not lie that, several times throughout the night, I wished that I had succeeded in order to not be going through what I was going through at the time. I simply couldn't stand what I'd done.
 \newpage
 
 \index{Tweets}
@@ -299,7 +299,7 @@ Both James and Karl checked in on me throughout the next few hours, but it was m
 \end{quotation}
 
 \begin{quotation}
-\noindent On meds for anxiety now, but that seems to have just let loose something terrible. Tried to kill myself Wednesday night, spent all tonight obsessing about it, woke up Karl and James, then felt guilty and upset about it.
+\noindent On meds for anxiety now, but that seems to have just let loose something terrible. Tried to kill myself Wednesday night, spent all tonight obsessing about it, woke up Karl and JD, then felt guilty and upset about it.
 
 --- @drab\_makyo March 23, 2012
 \end{quotation}
@@ -321,6 +321,9 @@ Both James and Karl checked in on me throughout the next few hours, but it was m
 
 --- @drab\_makyo March 23, 2012
 \end{quotation}
+\newpage
+\null
+\vfill
 
 \begin{ally}
 Where's your tweet from this time?
@@ -331,6 +334,7 @@ Where's your tweet from this time?
 
 --- @drab\_makyo October 10, 2019
 \end{quotation}
+\vfill
 \newpage
 \null
 \vfill

book/content/sex/sex.tex

@@ -359,7 +359,7 @@ No.~Why do you feel it important to add that?
 \end{ally}
 Because to not do so would do a disservice to my years trying to be sexually active. They weren't bad years, and I did have some success at it.
 
-JD and I eventually got together. We had a good amount of sex. We went to the Underground parties --- orgies, really --- and had lots of fun there. Bel and I had a good amount of sex, and it was pretty good. I looked forward to seeing them, simply because the sex was pretty good, as well as because they were good friends.\index{Relationships!James|)}
+JD and I eventually got together. We had a good amount of sex. We went to the Underground parties --- orgies, really --- and had lots of fun there. Bel and I had a good amount of sex, and it was pretty good. I looked forward to seeing them, simply because the sex was pretty good, as well as because they were good friends.\index{Relationships!JD|)}
 
 \begin{ally}
 So if the sex was pretty good, if you still had a lot of fun playing around with your husband, why did you stop? Why did you eventually remove your choice in the matter and chemically castrate yourself?
@@ -389,7 +389,7 @@ Other than uncomfortable and itchy? I think that's how I described it earlier.
 \begin{ally}
 Yes.
 \end{ally}
-I guess it makes me feel anxious and confused, just in different ways. It's comfortable enough for JD and I to not have a a sexual relationship. He's still a gay guy, for the most part, so for me to have transitioned to the extent that I have means that we don't really click on a sexual level anymore.\index{Relationships!James}
+I guess it makes me feel anxious and confused, just in different ways. It's comfortable enough for JD and I to not have a a sexual relationship. He's still a gay guy, for the most part, so for me to have transitioned to the extent that I have means that we don't really click on a sexual level anymore.\index{Relationships!JD}
 
 He's not my only partner, though. Robin\index{Relationships!Robin} is still sexual. Barac\index{Relationships!Barac} is still sexual. Colton\index{Relationships!Colton} is still sexual. I have all these sexual people in my life, and they're all people I'm attracted to and with whom I've shared sexuality in one way or another, but with whom I mostly feel disinclined to have sex with for any number of reasons.\footnote{A dream: \emph{I am getting intimate with someone and we decide to take our clothes off. I feel a wave of anxiety, and sure enough, it turns out that having had surgery was a dream and I still have a penis. Sometimes, it's not that it never happened, but that my penis has grown back. It's never shown, but strongly implied that this will be the end of the relationship.}}\index{Dream}