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Madison Scott-Clary
2020-02-20 11:07:56 -08:00
parent 6a17afd6a3
commit 4c6ea2081e
30 changed files with 625 additions and 458 deletions
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3
book/content/self-harm/self-harm.tex
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@ -1,5 +1,5 @@
\label{selfharm:selfharm}
\index{Mental health!self harm}
\index{Mental health!self harm|(}
\renewcommand*{\footnoterule}{%
\kern-3pt%
\color[HTML]{dddddd}\hrule width 0.4\columnwidth
@ -188,6 +188,7 @@ Why ruin your life on accident when you can do it on purpose?
\newpage
\null
\thispagestyle{empty}
\index{Mental health!self harm|)}
\newpage
\end{leftcolumn}

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book/content/self-harm/suicide.tex
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@ -135,7 +135,7 @@ No, and there's the problem.
\noindent When I first started therapy, I did what I thought was the right thing by bringing an open mind. It wasn't enough for me to seek help, I had to be told what was wrong with me. So anxious was I to not diagnose myself, I had to let someone do the work to pry the symptoms from me.\index{Mental health!anxiety}
I didn't tell Dr Johnston that I was feeling bad. I told him my boss told me I was angry. I didn't tell him that I was depressed, I told him that James was worried about how anxious I was.
I didn't tell Dr Johnston that I was feeling bad. I told him my boss told me I was angry. I didn't tell him that I was depressed, I told him that JD was worried about how anxious I was.
\begin{ally}
And so you got treated for anxiety.
@ -241,14 +241,14 @@ I really don't know.
\begin{ally}
Tell me what happened after.
\end{ally}
I started whispering James' name--\index{Relationships!James}
I started whispering JD' name--\index{Relationships!JD}
\begin{ally}
Both times?
\end{ally}
Both times. I started whispering his name, then eventually swallowed the miniscule bit of pride I had left and called out loud enough to wake him up. ``Can you come help me?'' I asked. It took asking two more times before he got up. I found out later that he thought I had made a mess and just wanted help cleaning up, thinking that I should just clean up my own messes. A good point, that.
Though the rest of the night in March is still sort of a blur --- I hadn't totally gotten out of the state that I was in, just woken up enough to engage with the mechanics --- I do remember James helping me to clean and bandage my arm as we sat on the floor of the bathroom, the dog occasionally wandering in and out. The whole time, I was still sobbing, blubbering out, ``I don't want to leave you, I don't want to leave Zephyr, I don't know why I did that, I'm sorry'' over and over again.\index{Dogs}
Though the rest of the night in March is still sort of a blur --- I hadn't totally gotten out of the state that I was in, just woken up enough to engage with the mechanics --- I do remember JD helping me to clean and bandage my arm as we sat on the floor of the bathroom, the dog occasionally wandering in and out. The whole time, I was still sobbing, blubbering out, ``I don't want to leave you, I don't want to leave Zephyr, I don't know why I did that, I'm sorry'' over and over again.\index{Dogs}
\newpage
\index{Journal entries}
@ -288,7 +288,7 @@ After a time, I suppose I just lost it. I got up and started pacing the room, wa
I locked myself in the bathroom and broke down again.
Both James and Karl checked in on me throughout the next few hours, but it was mostly spent huddled up on the cold tile of the floor feeling awful about both myself and what I'd done --- that it had any effect on those around me was just starting to hit home. I will not lie that, several times throughout the night, I wished that I had succeeded in order to not be going through what I was going through at the time. I simply couldn't stand what I'd done.
Both JD and Karl checked in on me throughout the next few hours, but it was mostly spent huddled up on the cold tile of the floor feeling awful about both myself and what I'd done --- that it had any effect on those around me was just starting to hit home. I will not lie that, several times throughout the night, I wished that I had succeeded in order to not be going through what I was going through at the time. I simply couldn't stand what I'd done.
\newpage
\index{Tweets}
@ -299,7 +299,7 @@ Both James and Karl checked in on me throughout the next few hours, but it was m
\end{quotation}
\begin{quotation}
\noindent On meds for anxiety now, but that seems to have just let loose something terrible. Tried to kill myself Wednesday night, spent all tonight obsessing about it, woke up Karl and James, then felt guilty and upset about it.
\noindent On meds for anxiety now, but that seems to have just let loose something terrible. Tried to kill myself Wednesday night, spent all tonight obsessing about it, woke up Karl and JD, then felt guilty and upset about it.
--- @drab\_makyo March 23, 2012
\end{quotation}
@ -321,6 +321,9 @@ Both James and Karl checked in on me throughout the next few hours, but it was m
--- @drab\_makyo March 23, 2012
\end{quotation}
\newpage
\null
\vfill
\begin{ally}
Where's your tweet from this time?
@ -331,6 +334,7 @@ Where's your tweet from this time?
--- @drab\_makyo October 10, 2019
\end{quotation}
\vfill
\newpage
\null
\vfill