Limerance

content/limerance/001.md

@@ -0,0 +1,28 @@
+---
+date: 2020-07-21
+weight: 1
+---
+
+I am, I often joke, a being built entirely of crushes and anxiety.
+
+> You joke, but...
+
+But is that so far from the truth? Is that wrong? It is an incomplete definition, perhaps but it is not incorrect. There is a set of negative emotions that I feel, and a lot of them are bundled up beneath the umbrella of anxiety. There are a lot of positive emotions that I feel, and when I feel them about people, they are bound up under the header of crush.
+
+The squish zone, I call it.
+
+> Crush, squish...how delightfully physical.
+
+They are very physical feelings. They're a type of attraction that has a flavor, a taste. They're a type of attraction that comes over me with a pressure within my chest and a compulsive itch to move, to touch.
+
+And it's not that they're not emotional. They are. They're very emotional. They're just of a more forceful breed.
+
+> More forceful than what?
+
+Than attraction. Than the comfortable sort of love that comes with an established relationship.
+
+They're not comfortable at all. They come upon me like a palsy. They ride me like madness.
+
+> "Involuntary state of intense romantic desire" indeed.
+
+Yes.

content/limerance/002.md

@@ -0,0 +1,13 @@
+---
+date: 2020-07-21
+weight: 2
+---
+
+<div class="verse">I live my life in eternal terror
+of the completeness of your own.
+I take up so little space
+and impinge upon it so gently,
+I only hope that there is space enough
+for a 'dear' here and a 'lovely' there.
+If beauty is at the edge of the terrifying,
+I live my life in eternal terror.</div>

content/limerance/003.md

@@ -0,0 +1,24 @@
+---
+date: 2020-07-21
+weight: 3
+---
+
+Limerence is not a negative thing. This feeling, this need-tinged love is not a negative thing. Crushes are not negative. They add to my life. They make it what it is.
+
+They're just sometimes a bit too...eucalyptus, you know?
+
+> I do not.
+
+Well, lets say that my relationship with JD is a comfortable amber or musk, and let's say that my relationship with Robin is a sort of caramel or cajeta, and let's say that my relationship with Judith is a sort of lilac, and so on. They're scents and flavors that have something of a fullness to them. A roundness. A softness.
+
+> If you insist.
+
+I do.
+
+Then let's say that limerence bears the scent of eucalyptus, the taste of tea-tree oil. It's a sharp, intrusive sensation. It's not negative. It's not unpleasant.
+
+It's just that it's intense enough to make my eyes water and to interrupt my thoughts. It takes over and I don't know what to do about it. It lingers, even away from the source.
+
+> Uncomfortably pleasant, perhaps.
+
+Very.

content/limerance/004.md

@@ -0,0 +1,15 @@
+---
+date: 2020-07-21
+weight: 4
+---
+
+<div class="verse">Between our houses,
+there is a simple fence -
+not a chasm, not a wall.
+Chain-link, waist high,
+bedecked with sweet-pea
+and set about with violets.
+Something we can tend,
+something to feel good about,
+something between us
+other than nothing.</div>

content/limerance/005.md

@@ -0,0 +1,20 @@
+---
+date: 2020-07-21
+weight: 5
+---
+
+I think the core problem here is that I form crushes more readily than I form friendships. Or, rather, that I form crushes that then, down the line, turn into friendships.
+
+> Is that a problem?
+
+It can be. It can be uncomfortable to fall for someone before reaching some comfortable level of equilibrium (or perhaps desensitization) and we settle into friendship.
+
+It doesn't always work in that order. Sometimes, I'll form a pretty solid friendship and then *kablam*, there I am, pining away over someone. It's like a switch was flipped, though I'm rarely aware of what the switch is, when it is actually flipped; I just suddenly realize, "Oh my god, I think I may love them."
+
+> Perhaps the problem is that you are so unsure of how to deal with someone being nice to you, willingly and of their own accord, that you can't help but latch onto that as something worth loving.
+
+Oof owie.
+
+> Perhaps.
+
+I don't think that's the whole of the problem --- or, well, "problem" --- but it's a big enough part of it, that there's no real getting around it. Perhaps the switch being flipped is me realizing, on some subconscious level, that they honestly care for me, even if it's just as a simple friendship.

content/limerance/006.md

@@ -0,0 +1,24 @@
+---
+date: 2020-07-21
+weight: 6
+---
+
+<div class="verse">Mi glutos mian amon por vi.
+Mi glutos mian amon.
+Mi glutos mian amon por vi
+Kaj frandos la ekflamadon de magnezio,
+Ĝuos la oferbuĉadon,
+Ĝojos la aŭtolizadon
+De sekretaj ĉeloj.
+Mi glutos mian amon por vi.
+Mi glutos mian amon.
+-----
+I will swallow my love for you.
+I will swallow my love.
+I will swallow my love for you
+And relish the magnesium flare,
+Rejoice in immolation,
+Cherish the autolysis
+Of secret cells.
+I will swallow my love for you.
+I will swallow my love.</div>

content/limerance/007.md

@@ -0,0 +1,26 @@
+---
+date: 2020-07-21
+weight: 7
+---
+
+For the most part, I try to just keep limerance to myself. I'll talk about it with Robin sometimes, or maybe JD, but it's not really something I'll bring up with anyone else, least of all with the limerent object. Why would I? Why would I put that burden on them when I'm not convinced it's worth acting on? Especially if it's something that happens shortly after meeting them.
+
+> Why not?
+
+I don't want to put an expectation for reciprocation on them.
+
+> That is projection. That's you projecting onto them your inability to say no. After all, haven't you told a few and they basically told you no and then you moved on to the comfortable friendship that feels more appropriate? Is that so bad?
+
+I...well, no, but what if they *are* like me? What if they have a hard time saying no and that leads to a relationship that I have...what? Tricked them into? What if that leads to some form of abuse that I don't realize I'm perpetrating?
+
+> Are you unable to approach that conversation should it come up?
+
+I think it's one I'd be willing to have. Glad, even. I would rather that be out in the open.
+
+> Then why not lead with that?
+
+Would that not sound like hedging? "I like you, I want you to know that. But it's okay if you don't like me in return, I'd rather know up front." Isn't that a more complicated conversation than it needs to be? Doesn't that add its own pressure to say yes, just using different words?
+
+> I don't know. Do you?
+
+I suppose I don't.

content/limerance/008.md

@@ -0,0 +1,9 @@
+---
+date: 2020-07-21
+weight: 8
+---
+
+<div class="verse">Every day, I learn to say "I love you"
+in a whole new way.
+And every day, I fall short
+of being understood.</div>

content/limerance/009.md

@@ -0,0 +1,10 @@
+---
+date: 2020-07-21
+weight: 9
+---
+
+Besides. I like eucalyptus. I like tea-tree oil. I like being ridden by madness, I tell myself. I like to dance, and is palsy not like a dance of sorts?
+
+> Masochist.
+
+Through and through.

content/limerance/_index.html

@@ -0,0 +1,3 @@
+---
+type: serial
+---