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Madison Scott-Clary
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16
book/content/afterword.tex
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@ -1,7 +1,7 @@
\label{afterword}
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\noindent {\allyFont ally} began and still exists as a work of interactive fiction presented on the web. The project now exists in book form out of some neurotic sense of completeness. Perhaps, were I able to hold my life in my hands --- truly hold it, feel the pages sliding against one another --- I would be able to somehow digest it a little bit better. Perhaps, were I able to hold it in my hands, I would be able to understand it. Perhaps I would be able to move on.
\noindent {\allyFont ally}\index{ally} began and still exists as a work of interactive fiction presented on the web. The project now exists in book form out of some neurotic sense of completeness. Perhaps, were I able to hold my life in my hands --- truly hold it, feel the pages sliding against one another --- I would be able to somehow digest it a little bit better. Perhaps, were I able to hold it in my hands, I would be able to understand it. Perhaps I would be able to move on.
\begin{ally}
Is anything so simple?
@ -30,15 +30,18 @@
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\includegraphics[width=4in]{assets/cadmiumtea--MurderYourDarlings--makyo--G.jpg}
\begin{flushright}
{\footnotesize
{\allyFont \emph{Murder your darlings.}}
\emph{Murder your darlings} by Julian Norwood
www.patreon.com/cadmiumtea
Art by Julian Norwood\\
www.patreon.com/cadmiumtea}
\end{flushright}
\end{leftcolumn}
\begin{rightcolumn}
\null
\vfill
\noindent Madison Scott-Clary is a transgender author, poet, and programmer. She is also the editor-in-chief of Hybrid Ink, LLC, a small publisher focused on thoughtful fiction, exploratory poetry, and creative non-fiction. She lives in the Pacific Northwest with her cat and two dogs, as well as her husband, who is also a dog.
\noindent Madison Scott-Clary is a transgender \mbox{author}, poet, and programmer. She is also the editor-in-chief of Hybrid Ink, LLC, a small publisher focused on thoughtful fiction, exploratory poetry, and creative non-fiction. She lives in the Pacific Northwest with her cat and two dogs, as well as her husband, who is also a dog.\index{Relationships!James}\index{Dogs}\index{Furry}
\begin{center}
@ -47,5 +50,8 @@ www.patreon.com/cadmiumtea
www.hybrid.ink
\end{center}
\vfill
\newpage
\end{rightcolumn}
\end{paracol}
\printindex

1
book/content/ally/002.tex
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@ -3,6 +3,7 @@
\begin{leftcolumn}
\null
\index{ally|(}
\vfill

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book/content/ally/003.tex
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@ -1,4 +1,5 @@
\label{ally:3}
\index{ally|(}
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
@ -26,6 +27,7 @@ You're here, now. You made it through.
\vin \vin The irony of which\\
\vin \vin \vin Is not lost on her.}
\end{verse}
\index{Writing!samples!poetry}
\begin{ally}
Touching.
@ -33,7 +35,7 @@ Touching.
Hey now, don't be rude. Aren't you supposed to be my ally?
\begin{ally}
I \textbf{am} your ally. I'm just not your friend.
I \textbf{am} your ally. I'm just not your friend.\index{ally!I am not your friend}
\end{ally}
Fair enough.
@ -44,6 +46,7 @@ Oh?
\end{ally}
Yeah. June 2004. There you are. I say,
\index{Journal entries}
\begin{quotation}
The navy blue I've been seeing at waist level in front of me and to my left is contentment. I'm not entirely sure that it being omnipresent is a good thing, however, considering the colors it's mixed with. Am I really content with longing and hopelessness? It's not out of the question, I suppose that it could just be another aspect of my personality. But that just brings up the question of whether or not it's something I ingrained into myself through habit, something where I just kinda accepted that feeling such things is normal, okay, and what I want; or is it something I was born with, or that we're all born with? Is it a side effect of love, expecting impossible desires and the blind hopelessness that follows the end of a four year undertaking?
\end{quotation}

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book/content/ally/004.tex
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@ -1,21 +1,20 @@
\label{ally:4}
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\begin{ally}
Why am I here?
\end{ally}
Aren't you always?
\begin{ally}
With you, sure. Why am I bound to words, though? It's been fourteen years.
With you, sure. Why am I bound to words, though? It's been fourteen\index{Numinous!seven} years.
\end{ally}
Surely that's not all on me. You must play some role in it. I was talking with my partner about doing something autobiographical for my next project, after all.
\begin{ally}
I'm the observer and the mirror. All I can do is reflect your choices back at you. Choice itself is not my department.
\end{ally}
After getting \emph{Restless Town} finished, I needed something to do. Some other project that would make me feel like I was being productive.
After getting \emph{Restless Town}\footnote{makyo.ink/publications/restless-town} finished, I needed something to do. Some other project that would make me feel like I was being productive.
\begin{ally}
Feel, or seem?
@ -23,18 +22,18 @@ Feel, or seem?
Both. If I sat still, I'd burn up. If I was seen sitting still, clearly I'd be worth less in the eyes of those around me, right?
\begin{ally}
Not my department.
Not my department.\index{ally!Not my department}
\end{ally}
Right.
So I started digging through stuff I'd already done, seeing if any of it could be cleaned up and turned into a new project. I stumbled across \emph{Rum and Coke} and found it mostly clean as it was, so I decided to publish it as a book. Paperback and ebook, I mean, not just the stories online.
So I started digging through stuff I'd already done, seeing if any of it could be cleaned up and turned into a new project. I stumbled across \emph{Rum and Coke}\footnote{makyo.ink/publications/rum-and-coke} and found it mostly clean as it was, so I decided to publish it as a book. Paperback and ebook, I mean, not just the stories online.
\begin{ally}
Were you proud of them?
\end{ally}
To an extent. A different me wrote them. A lesser me, in some ways. I was younger, I hadn't quite found my voice and tone. No \emph{Arcana}, no \emph{Disappearance}, no \emph{Getting Lost} or \emph{Post-Self}. All I had was a few scattered tidbits and my mom's words ringing in my ears: "You wrote your own wedding vows, right? I could tell."
To an extent. A different me wrote them. A lesser me, in some ways. I was younger, I hadn't quite found my voice and tone. No \emph{Arcana},\footnote{makyo.ink/publications/arcana} no \emph{Disappearance}, no \emph{Getting Lost} or \emph{Post-Self}.\footnote{post-self.github.io} All I had was a few scattered tidbits and my mom's words ringing in my ears: "You wrote your own wedding vows, right? I could tell."
A me with a different identity, too. A me that was working on gender through small steps. I hadn't yet picked up the word 'trans' for myself. I was non-binary, presenting male, writing to justify myself. Or maybe to hype myself up. I was writing works about gender and poly problems being worked through to convince myself it was possible.
A me with a different identity, too. A me that was working on gender through small steps. I hadn't yet picked up the word 'trans' for myself. I was non-binary, presenting male, writing to justify myself. Or maybe to hype myself up. I was writing works about gender and poly problems being worked through to convince myself it was possible.\index{Gender}
\begin{ally}
They read like parables.
@ -52,14 +51,14 @@ Why didn't I show up then?
I was too\ldots{}something. Too busy, too preoccupied. I was focused too much on identity, too much on The Work, as it were, to reflect. Maybe I was moving too quickly to notice my choices being shown to me.
\begin{ally}
You'd mostly stopped [adjective][species] by then, too.
You'd mostly stopped [adjective][species]\footnote{adjectivespecies.com} by\index{Furry![adjective][species]} then, too.
\end{ally}
Life got weird. I was transitioning--
\begin{ally}
A choice.
\end{ally}
--I was solidifying my relationship with Judith--
--I was solidifying my relationship with Judith--\index{Relationships!Judith}
\begin{ally}
A choice.
@ -89,19 +88,19 @@ One of your neighbors, perhaps. A cubicle over, a floor above, something like th
\begin{ally}
Do you anthropomorphize me that much?
\end{ally}
No, I suppose, I don't. You're not my therapist, sitting in a chair across from me and talking me through my problems. You're not person shaped. You're the shape of my hands displaced half an inch behind my own, navy blue and trimmed with sea-foam green.
No, I suppose, I don't. You're not my therapist, sitting in a chair across from me and talking me through my problems. You're not person shaped. You're the shape of my hands displaced half an inch behind my own, navy blue and trimmed with sea-foam green.\index{Numinous!colors}
\begin{ally}
You haven't used colors in fourteen years, either.
\end{ally}
What I'm trying to say is that maybe you're back because of nostalgia. *Restless Town* was done and couldn't be published yet, and a prideful part of me didn't want it to be my first book, so I pulled *Rum and Coke* into shape.
What I'm trying to say is that maybe you're back because of nostalgia\index{Nostalgia}. *Restless Town* was done and couldn't be published yet, and a prideful part of me didn't want it to be my first book, so I pulled \emph{Rum and Coke} into shape.
It rubbed my nose in the past. I published it a few weeks ago, and I wasn't done with the past, so I started archiving more data. I dug up my old hard drives. I grabbed stuff from Dreamhost, both files and database backups. I finally unlocked my LJ account and archived that.
It rubbed my nose in the past. I published it a few weeks ago, and I wasn't done with the past, so I started archiving more data. I dug up my old hard drives. I grabbed stuff from Dreamhost, both files and database backups. I finally unlocked my LJ account and archived that.\index{Nostalgia\index{Nostalgia}}
\begin{ally}
And you work at an archive.
\end{ally}
I go through phases, looking back at the past. I'll spend a few days trying to backdate some log files, or dig through my old scores and publish them --- I did that too, alongside \emph{Rum and Coke}, publish a bunch of my old music --- or resurrect my notes on \emph{Nanon}, or the like.
I go through phases, looking back at the past. I'll spend a few days trying to backdate some log files, or dig through my old scores and publish them --- I did that too, alongside \emph{Rum and Coke}, publish a bunch of my old music --- or resurrect my notes on \emph{Nanon},\footnote{nanon.lang.drab-makyo.com} or the like.
\begin{ally}
You are quite mercurial.
@ -136,3 +135,4 @@ For me to pull out that trite quote about my own personal history speaks pretty
\newpage
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}
\index{ally|)}

4
book/content/ally/005.tex
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@ -1,4 +1,5 @@
\label{ally:5}
\index{Alcohol|(}
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
@ -51,7 +52,7 @@ I drank hard with the choir, and then I left school and drank hard with the prog
I did some work at a bar, even. Just making their menu and website for them in exchange for free drinks.
\begin{ally}
You mastered \LaTeX\ that way. A very you thing to do.
You mastered \LaTeX\ that way. A very you thing to do.\index{Catastrophically Maddy}
\end{ally}
I did well at it. I still have one of the menus and some of the paper laying around somewhere. I did that until the bartender left and, when I asked for my next payment from the owner, he flipped out at me and threatened to sue me for impersonating him. I don't think I realized Raffi, the bar manager who hired me, was already on his way out.
@ -78,3 +79,4 @@ You may have been more of a person when you started than when you stopped, but y
\newpage
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}
\index{Alcohol|)}

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book/content/ally/006.tex
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@ -2,7 +2,7 @@
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\noindent When I was young, back before I knew what mental health entailed, what anxiety and abuse and depression really meant, I was convinced I was having semi-regular mental breakdowns. That was the phrase I used then, because I was unsure of what it meant to have a panic attack.
\noindent When I was young, back before I knew what mental health entailed, what anxiety and abuse and depression really meant, I was convinced I was having semi-regular mental breakdowns. That was the phrase I used then, because I was unsure of what it meant to have a panic attack.\index{Mental health!anxiety}
This was before LiveJournal, of course. This was before I was writing on the internet, or even really on the internet at all. This was before you.
@ -11,7 +11,7 @@ No, it wasn't.
\end{ally}
Right.
When I ran away, my dad found my paper journal. I had kept it infrequently, as something about daily journaling to a seventh-grader felt dishonest, stupid. What could I possibly write about?
When I ran away, my dad found my paper journal. I had kept it infrequently, as something about daily journaling to a seventh-grader felt dishonest, stupid. What could I possibly write about?\index{Dad!running away}
In the journal, I mentioned on a few occasions that I'd had a mental breakdown. My dad called me several times over the next few days after my mom found me, and in one of those calls, he yelled at me about that. ``Do you really think you're crazy?'' he said. ``Do you need to be taken to an asylum?''
@ -28,7 +28,7 @@ I was quiet as a mouse.
I have the words now. I have the vocabulary. I can say derealization, depersonalization, dissociation. I can say panic attack and anxiety and depression and hypomania. I can say \emph{ah, \textbf{this} is what is happening now}.
\begin{ally}
You have emotions now, is what you have. Those were your mental breakdowns.
You have emotions now, is what you have. That's your mental breakdowns were.
\end{ally}
Dad didn't believe in those. Not for boys. \emph{Mood's a thing for cattle and loveplay}, right? Emotions are for women.

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book/content/ally/007.tex
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@ -2,20 +2,20 @@
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\noindent I think of myself as a trans woman, not a woman. I think of past me as male, not female. To an extent, I think of past me as cisgender. I was a guy. I was that gay guy who tumbled out the other side of puberty and was left to figure out what the fuck. I am not who I was.
\noindent I think of myself as a trans woman, not a woman. I think of past me as male, not female. To an extent, I think of past me as cisgender. I was a guy. I was that gay guy who tumbled out the other side of puberty and was left to figure out what the fuck. I am not who I was.\index{Gender}
\begin{ally}
You have ship-of-Theseus'd yourself into what you are.
You have ship-of-Theseus'd yourself into what you are.\index{Ship of Theseus}
\end{ally}
I was not Madison. I am not Matthew. I can't deny his existence, though. He was him, and to erase that, to toe the party line and say I've always known that I was Madison, would do a disservice to him.
I was not Madison. I am not Matthew. I can't deny his existence, though. He was him, and to erase that, to toe the party line and say I've always known that I was Madison, would do a disservice to him.\index{The Death of Matthew}
He got in all those relationships. He loved so hard it hurt. He dreamed of being held. He struggled with the words.
He fought. He enacted his cruelty in countless subtle ways. He promised himself he'd be better than his dad and failed more often than not.
He rode the same crests of hypomania and crashed just as hard after. Once, he tried to schedule his hobbies into his day so thoroughly that he forgot to schedule meals, then, having failed two weeks later, considered shooting himself in the head. Anxiety rode him just as thoroughly. Once, dead convinced that he had meningitis, he wrote a note apologizing to loved ones and left it on the bedstand.
He rode the same crests of hypomania and crashed just as hard after. Once, he tried to schedule his hobbies into his day so thoroughly that he forgot to schedule meals, then, having failed two weeks later, considered shooting himself in the head. Anxiety rode him just as thoroughly. Once, dead convinced that he had meningitis, he wrote a note apologizing to loved ones and left it on the bedstand.\index{Mania}
He was just as mercurial, too. The brewing phase--
He was just as mercurial, too. The brewing phase--\index{Alcohol}
\begin{ally}
Phases. Plural.

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book/content/ally/008.tex
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@ -1,6 +1,8 @@
\label{ally:8}
\index{Numinous!colors|(}
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{rightcolumn*}
\index{Journal entries|(}
\begin{flushright}
\emph{July 2nd, 2004, shortly after midnight}
\end{flushright}
@ -56,6 +58,7 @@ And these pictures?
All from years later. The color thing comes and goes, like you.
\end{leftcolumn}
\begin{rightcolumn*}
\index{Journal entries|)}
\emph{April 8, 2004}
\end{rightcolumn*}
\begin{leftcolumn}
@ -146,12 +149,13 @@ Yeah. Sometimes it's a compulsion. Sometimes a picture will latch onto me and ne
\noindent\includegraphics[width=2.5in]{assets/3.png}
\begin{quote}
\emph{Lines and curves, lines and curves. Beginning now.}
\emph{Lines and curves, lines and curves. Beginning now.}\footnote{makyo.ink/acts-of-intent/}
\end{quote}
\end{rightcolumn}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\noindent It's not an artistic decision. Not \emph{just}, at least. It's always something more.
\index{Writing!samples!poetry}
\begin{verse}
Inter ĝuo kaj timo\\
Estas loko de tro da signifo.\\
@ -174,12 +178,13 @@ Incontestible,\\
Unmoving and always changing.
\end{verse}
\noindent A sigil need not just be lines and curves.
\noindent A sigil\footnote{makyo.github.io/tinysigil} need not just be lines and curves.
\begin{ally}
Or maybe it's just mania.
\end{ally}
It may be.\footnote{https://ally.id/mania}
It may be.\footnote{ally.id/mania}
\newpage
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}
\index{Numinous!colors|)}

2
book/content/ally/009.tex
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@ -20,7 +20,7 @@ I may be, then. Tell me about mania.
No, tell me why you're asking.
\begin{ally}
I'm more of a liminal creature, myself. It's hard to keep an ally around when depression slowly shuts down avenue after avenue of reaching one. You, as a reflection of me, become distorted while manic. Fun-house mirrors and blind-spots. I want to hear about it.
I'm more of a liminal creature, myself. It's hard to keep an ally around when depression slowly shuts down avenue after avenue of reaching one. You, as a reflection of me, become distorted while manic. Fun-house mirrors and blind-spots. I want to hear about it.\index{Liminal}
\end{ally}
No.

4
book/content/ally/010.tex
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@ -1,11 +1,11 @@
\label{ally:10}
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\index{Relationships!polyamory|(}
\noindent The first time I remember thinking about polyamory--
\begin{ally}
And here I was hoping you'd cave and talk more about mania.
And here I was hoping you'd cave and talk more about mania.\index{Mental health!bipolar!mania}
\end{ally}
Why are you so hung up on that? I told you I wouldn't, and you seemed to accept that.

4
book/content/ally/019.tex
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@ -1,7 +1,7 @@
\label{ally:19}
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\index{ally|(}
\noindent The tragic core to all this, to this whole project, is that I am not an interesting person. Or maybe interesting, but unremarkable.
\begin{ally}
@ -42,7 +42,7 @@ What will the last page say?
{[}\ldots{}{]} Endings were writ on your face, your hands, and your steps --- your very pace spoke of completion.
\begin{ally}
Are you thinking of ending this project?
Are you thinking of ending this project?\index{ally!meta}
\end{ally}
Not at all. I've got a list of side quests I need to complete in order to make you happy, and their very nature makes it easy to complete. One or two thousand words, an hour or two's conversation with you, and then they're done and I don't have to pick up where I left off.

14
book/content/ally/020.tex
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@ -10,7 +10,7 @@ Let's put a pin in just why exactly you're asking these questions. I'd like to k
\begin{ally}
Okay.
\end{ally}
To the question at hand, though, I think I covered that before, right? I started this project in a fit of nostalgia and one of the end results of an unstoppable wave of nostalgia plus a sort of graphomania is the need to write about the past, and to do so in such a way as to invoke the past in the process.
To the question at hand, though, I think I covered that before, right? I started this project in a fit of nostalgia\index{Nostalgia} and one of the end results of an unstoppable wave of nostalgia\index{Nostalgia} plus a sort of graphomania is the need to write about the past, and to do so in such a way as to invoke the past in the process.
\begin{ally}
I guess I'm trying to decide whether or not to believe you.
@ -25,10 +25,10 @@ Don't derail me. These are your questions.
\begin{ally}
Point.
\end{ally}
What's not to believe about a project filled to overflowing with nostalgia being borne from nostalgia?
What's not to believe about a project filled to overflowing with nostalgia\index{Nostalgia} being borne from nostalgia\index{Nostalgia}?
\begin{ally}
I don't doubt the roots in nostalgia, I doubt the intentionality.
I don't doubt the roots in nostalgia\index{Nostalgia}, I doubt the intentionality.
\end{ally}
You doubt that I started this on purpose?
@ -98,7 +98,7 @@ You tell me.
I don't know that I can.
\begin{ally}
I am a liminal creature. I told you that. I'm almost a shadow but miss the mark. I'm near to the concept of a back-stage persona but miss the mark. I get close to being you, but never quite come into focus enough for the outlines to match up.
I am a liminal creature. I told you that. I'm almost a shadow but miss the mark. I'm near to the concept of a back-stage persona but miss the mark. I get close to being you, but never quite come into focus enough for the outlines to match up.\index{Liminal}
\end{ally}
Are you not just me? Just a part of me?
@ -113,11 +113,11 @@ Can you imagine so dull a life?
You're not that exciting.
\begin{ally}
Not my department.
Not my department.\index{ally!Not my department}
\end{ally}
Right.
So an allegiance in the \href{http://wiki.postfurry.net/wiki/Metacosmology}{orthocosmic sense} is a relationship two entities where they help each other. Or at least trust that they can rely on the help of the other at need. It's not contingent upon friendship, as you are so fond of saying, but that's not to say that they're mutually exclusive.
So an allegiance in the orthocosmic sense\footnote{wiki.postfurry.net/wiki/Metacosmology} is a relationship two entities where they help each other. Or at least trust that they can rely on the help of the other at need. It's not contingent upon friendship, as you are so fond of saying, but that's not to say that they're mutually exclusive.
\begin{ally}
I am an endocosmic ally.
@ -140,7 +140,7 @@ True friends are almost always also strong allies.
But not vice versa. I see that now. You are not my friend.
\begin{ally}
I am not your friend.
I am not your friend.\index{ally!I am not your friend}
\end{ally}
But you are my ally.

8
book/content/ally/021.tex
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@ -10,15 +10,15 @@ Yes.
\begin{ally}
Were you?
\end{ally}
I think so. I was swinging up toward hypomania, and plowing heedlessly through nostalgia. Some of it was good, some of it was bad, but I don't think that had much bearing on me starting the project.
I think so. I was swinging up toward hypomania, and plowing heedlessly through nostalgia\index{Nostalgia}. Some of it was good, some of it was bad, but I don't think that had much bearing on me starting the project.\index{Mental health!bipolar!mania|(}
\begin{ally}
Robin asked if you were okay. ``I just want to make sure,'' she said once. ``You asked me to check in on you if you ever started talking about geese.''
Robin\index{Relationships!Robin} asked if you were okay. ``I just want to make sure,'' she said once. ``You asked me to check in on you if you ever started talking about geese.''\index{Numinous!birds}
\end{ally}
Perhaps this has a similar feel to it. A similar scent of ritual, a similar flavor of mysticism, a similar sense of some other reality vignetting my vision.
Perhaps this has a similar feel to it. A similar scent of ritual, a similar flavor of mysticism\index{Numinous}, a similar sense of some other reality vignetting my vision.
\begin{ally}
lorxus asked if you were okay. ``People normally write memoirs at the ends of their lives.''
lorxus\index{Relationships!lorxus} asked if you were okay. ``People normally write memoirs at the ends of their lives.''
\end{ally}
Life is a series of beginnings and endings dovetailed messily together.

4
book/content/ally/022.tex
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@ -20,12 +20,12 @@ Okay.
Why ask about the project? Why ask about yourself?
\begin{ally}
You had job interviews. You had the convention. You're visiting Barac. You stopped writing for a bit.
You had job interviews. You had the convention. You're visiting Barac. You stopped writing for a bit.\index{Relationships!Barac}
\end{ally}
I started again, didn't I?
\begin{ally}
Yes. Hypomania is fading into the comfortable static of a ground state, though. You're \textbf{still} writing. That's why I'm asking. Why are you writing this if you're not hypomanic?
Yes. Hypomania is fading into the comfortable static of a ground state, though. You're \textbf{still} writing. That's why I'm asking. Why are you writing this if you're not hypomanic?\index{Mental health!bipolar!mania|)}
\end{ally}
I wrote a bunch of \emph{Restless Town} when I wasn't hypomanic.

4
book/content/ally/023.tex
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@ -1,7 +1,7 @@
\label{ally:23}
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\index{ally}
\noindent Have you gotten that out of your system?
\begin{ally}
@ -35,7 +35,7 @@ You're the one with questions. Point me toward one, and I will ask it.
Helpful, as always.
\begin{ally}
Not my department.
Not my department.\index{ally!Not my department}
\end{ally}
Fine. Weight? Surgery? Dyskinesia?

4
book/content/ally/024.tex
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@ -1,7 +1,7 @@
\label{ally:24}
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\index{ally|)}
\noindent Do you hate me?
\begin{ally}
@ -35,7 +35,7 @@ If you hate who you used to be, mightn't that be an indicator that you've become
That might just be the kindest thing you've said to me.
\begin{ally}
Not my department.
Not my department.\index{ally!Not my department}
\end{ally}
\newpage
\end{leftcolumn}

6
book/content/ally/025.tex
View File

@ -15,7 +15,7 @@ That's a bit dramatic, isn't it?
\begin{ally}
Are you not a different person at conventions? Are you not a different person when living in a different home with someone else?
\end{ally}
Maybe. I like to think of it as postprocessing. The picture you take is fixed and largely unchanging, but you can process it into different things with different filters. The person I am is fixed and largely unchanging, but some people and some places bring out, say, artsy black-and-whites, while others bring out glossy, oversaturated colors
Maybe. I like to think of it as postprocessing. The picture you take is fixed and largely unchanging, but you can process it into different things with different filters. The person I am is fixed and largely unchanging, but some people and some places bring out, say, artsy black-and-whites, while others bring out glossy, oversaturated colors.
\begin{ally}
And yet when you were out, you weren't engaging with some parts of your life. Ones you might otherwise consider integral. No for-fun software, no music, no chat, no writing.
@ -23,9 +23,9 @@ And yet when you were out, you weren't engaging with some parts of your life. On
Were you lonely?
\begin{ally}
Not my department.
Not my department.\index{ally!Not my department}
\end{ally}
I suppose I was. Even at the convention, even seeing two different partners, I was lonely. Or, if it could be said of things rather than people, I was lonely for not having those fulfilling aspects about. I missed writing, I missed you.
I suppose I was. Even at the convention, even seeing two different partners, I was lonely. Or, if it could be said of things rather than people, I was lonely for not having those fulfilling aspects about. I missed writing, I missed you.\index{Relationships!Colton}\index{Relationships!Barac}
\begin{ally}
I wasn't gone.

4
book/content/ally/026.tex
View File

@ -35,7 +35,7 @@ Not my department.
Right. Is that a fact, then? I'm not catching you in this web. Are you the web?
\begin{ally}
Not my department.
Not my department.\index{ally!Not my department}
\end{ally}
The spaces between, then. The negative spaces outlined by twine wrapped around pins. There are connections--
@ -50,7 +50,7 @@ Presence and absence are not my department, either.
Are you some cousin to apophenia, then? Some relative to that \emph{unmotivated seeing of connections accompanied by a specific feeling of abnormal meaningfulness}? Are you that numinous, abnormal meaningfulness?
\begin{ally}
I am easier to define in negatives. I am not presence and absence, but between them. Beyond them. Your ally, but not your friend. Real enough to impinge on your reality, but totally imaginary. \textbf{Not} here. \textbf{Not} doing. \textbf{Not} thinking, feeling, acting.
I am easier to define in negatives. I am not presence and absence, but between them. Beyond them. Your ally, but not your friend. Real enough to impinge on your reality, but totally imaginary. \textbf{Not} here. \textbf{Not} doing. \textbf{Not} thinking, feeling, acting.\index{ally!I am not your friend}
\end{ally}
So, are you?

2
book/content/ally/027.tex
View File

@ -1,7 +1,7 @@
\label{ally:27}
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\index{ally|)}
\noindent I'm sorry this is taking so long.
\begin{ally}

5
book/content/ally/028.tex
View File

@ -1,7 +1,6 @@
\label{ally:28}
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\begin{ally}
Do you ever find yourself getting angry at me?
\end{ally}
@ -12,7 +11,7 @@ How does that make you feel? Like, on one layer of remove, how do you feel about
\end{ally}
I don't know, honestly. It's gotten to the point over the years that I just kind of accept that there is this part of me that I get upset at, that gets upset at me. There's this part of me that I have to yell at occasionally, and who occasionally yells at me.
Besides, not friends, remember?
Besides, not friends, remember?\index{ally!I am not your friend}
\begin{ally}
Correct.
@ -42,7 +41,7 @@ I might just.
So do you try to make me angry?
\begin{ally}
Not my--
Not my--\index{ally!Not my department}
\end{ally}
Department?

4
book/content/ally/029.tex
View File

@ -1,7 +1,7 @@
\label{ally:29}
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\index{ally|)}
\begin{ally}
Where did you go?
\end{ally}
@ -10,7 +10,7 @@ I was still here.
\begin{ally}
Were you?
\end{ally}
I was still at my computer. Still writing. I was still here?
I was still at my computer. Still writing. I was still here?\index{Mental health!bipolar!depression}
\begin{ally}
You'll have to forgive me for saying that I don't quite believe you.

10
book/content/ally/030.tex
View File

@ -9,14 +9,14 @@ I suppose it must, given this lead in.
Have I died? Has some part of me already rotted and sloughed off? Is this, in some very literal way, an afterlife?
\begin{ally}
Do you feel as though, another seven years having passed, you are moving on from the life that you built up?
Do you feel as though, another seven\index{Numinous!seven} years having passed, you are moving on from the life that you built up?
\end{ally}
Yes.
\begin{ally}
Then I see no reason not to label it as such.
\end{ally}
Perhaps lorxus was right. Perhaps I am writing this at the end of a life.
Perhaps lorxus was right. Perhaps I am writing this at the end of a life.\index{Relationships!lorxus}
\begin{ally}
What are you leaving behind?
@ -28,7 +28,7 @@ Are you not, now?
\end{ally}
No, I think I am. Or, well, I think I am living fairly earnestly. I think what has happened over the last few years is that the struggle changed its shape.
The Madison who was struggling to come to terms with a post-Matthew life is not me any longer. She spent the last seven years mourning him, in a way. She spent the last seven years figuring out how to live without him, throwing away his stuff, leaving behind family and homes and states.
The Madison who was struggling to come to terms with a post-Matthew life is not me any longer. She spent the last seven years mourning him, in a way. She spent the last seven years figuring out how to live without him, throwing away his stuff, leaving behind family and homes and states.\index{The Death of Matthew}
\begin{ally}
Is this her memoir? Or yours?
@ -37,7 +37,9 @@ I don't know, honestly.
All I can say is that, for some reason, at some point while working on this project, I might have died. I have entered a liminal space once again. It's a different one, to be sure, but it's somewhere in between who I was and some undefinable potential self.
Perhaps some early whiff of this liminality is what got to start this project in the first place, to summon you. Perhaps it was burnout reaching a head that signaled the death of that version of me.
Perhaps some early whiff of this liminality is what got to start this project in the first place, to summon you. Perhaps it was burnout reaching a head that signaled the death of that version of me.
Perhaps I have simply, like Theseus' well-worn ship, become something completely new while I wasn't looking.\index{Ship of Theseus}
\newpage
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}

10
book/content/ally/031.tex
View File

@ -1,7 +1,7 @@
\label{ally:31}
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\noindent I've been pulling this all into a book. Like, a physical one. A paperback.
\noindent I've been pulling this all into a book. Like, a physical one. A paperback.\index{ally!meta}
\begin{ally}
I know.
@ -9,12 +9,12 @@ I know.
How do you feel about that?
\begin{ally}
Not my department.
Not my department.\index{ally!Not my department}
\end{ally}
That feels like an evasion to me. You had opinions on me streaming the process of writing. You had opinions on the process itself: you called me out on writing stuff in commit messages, on having our conversations in comments in the source code. You had opinions on me buying the domain name. Do you have no opinions about our words on something to be bought and sold?
\begin{ally}
A friend once asked Maddy, ``Why do you shout into the void?''
A friend once asked Maddy, ``Why do you shout into the void?''\index{Koan}
\end{ally}
I write all of this down because the very act of putting it into words brings a sense of clarity that I lack without. By taking these moments of my life and articulating them, I almost automatically get another viewpoint on them.
@ -45,12 +45,12 @@ Okay. What about my intent?
\begin{ally}
Your compulsive need to do overshare is an implicit part of our relationship.
\end{ally}
Shall I throw your words in your face?
Shall I throw your words in your face?\index{ally!throwing stones}
\begin{ally}
By all means.
\end{ally}
\emph{Am I something to be bought and sold? Am I something to be traded and marketed?}\footnote{https://ally.id/aside/2}
\emph{Am I something to be bought and sold? Am I something to be traded and marketed?}\footnote{ally.id/aside/2}
\begin{ally}
Have you answered the question? \textbf{Am} I something to be bought and sold? Me, here, being a part of yourself.

9
book/content/ally/032.tex
View File

@ -7,7 +7,7 @@ My turn.
Shoot.
\begin{ally}
You said: ``you are not the project, but there is no project without you.''\footnote{Ibid.}
You said: ``you are not the project, but there is no project without you.''\footnote{Ibid.}\index{ally!throwing stones}
\end{ally}
Yes, that applies to us both.
@ -26,7 +26,7 @@ Har har.
\end{ally}
Thank you. Seriously, though, I can see two different sides of this.
I feel like I'm putting my maddest edges, as Jon Ronson puts it, on display. In the process of working on this project, I was forced to confront some of the most difficult aspects of my life by its very nature.
I feel like I'm putting my maddest edges\index{Mental health}, as Jon Ronson puts it, on display. In the process of working on this project, I was forced to confront some of the most difficult aspects of my life by its very nature.
In the process of pulling the book together, I was forced to reread much of what I had written, and there are parts of it where my words burn too hot, or get too slippery to hold. There's a feverish quality to them. It's something that felt good to write purely for the sensation of it bursting forth from me in uncontrollable torrents.
@ -42,7 +42,7 @@ Yes.
\end{ally}
It would be `mad', I suppose, were I to believe that you were an \emph{actual} interlocutor. It would be `mad' were I to present these things as a universal worldview. It would be `mad', awful as that word is, were I anything but deliberate with this project.
As it is, I summoned you. I started pulling down bits of nostalgia when my I was shutting down my Dreamhost account, when I went to lock my ancient LiveJournal. I got the idea to write, so I did. It was a deliberate effort.
As it is, I summoned you. I started pulling down bits of nostalgia\index{Nostalgia} when my I was shutting down my Dreamhost account, when I went to lock my ancient LiveJournal. I got the idea to write, so I did. It was a deliberate effort.
\begin{ally}
Is that mad?
@ -61,9 +61,10 @@ And on the other, while I'm most certainly not wholly healthy, I am, at my core,
In the end, it's the storyteller that wins out over the concerned, private individual. If I can't \emph{not} overshare, if I must compulsively tell stories, then I'm going to tell the stories I have and I'm going to make them worth reading.
\begin{ally}
A friend once asked Maddy, ``Why do you shout carefully constructed, thoroughly edited, well rehearsed speeches into the void?''
A friend once asked Maddy, ``Why do you shout carefully constructed, thoroughly edited, well rehearsed speeches into the void?''\index{Koan}
\end{ally}
Maddy replied, ``It pays the bills.''
\index{ally|)}
\newpage
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}

8
book/content/birds.tex
View File

@ -1,8 +1,11 @@
\label{birds}
\index{Mental health!bipolar!mania}
\index{Numinous!birds|(}
\newpage
\end{leftcolumn}
\begin{rightcolumn*}
\begin{flushright}
\index{Journal entries}
\emph{December 29, 2013}
\end{flushright}
\end{rightcolumn*}
@ -43,6 +46,7 @@ That's why I'm torn.
\end{leftcolumn}
\begin{rightcolumn*}
\index{Journal entries}
\emph{February 13, 2014}
\end{rightcolumn*}
\begin{leftcolumn}
@ -55,6 +59,7 @@ That's why I'm torn.
I've mentioned ritual before, but I think that's tied into the larger feeing of portentousness. Ritual is one way to sate that sense of intense meaning surrounding an act or an object.
\index{Tweets}
\begin{quotation}
\noindent A goose is dumb. A thousand geese darkening the horizon is a portent. Mindless honking, individually directionless, collectively unstoppable
@ -77,5 +82,6 @@ It's dumb. Geese are dumb. There's no reason I should feel any sort of emotion a
--- @drab\_makyo February 12, 2014
\end{quotation}
Ritual is like that. There is some level of meaning that's inexpressible except if you can find a way to come at it from the side. Use words like `portent'. Describe it as an odor, a sense, a mystery. Ritual and sensation are wily and wary critters that want nothing less than to be identified, pointed out, made plain. You're supposed to just go along with the ritual and accept the portentous as fact.\footnote{More at https://ally.id/birds}
Ritual is like that. There is some level of meaning that's inexpressible except if you can find a way to come at it from the side. Use words like `portent'. Describe it as an odor, a sense, a mystery. Ritual and sensation are wily and wary critters that want nothing less than to be identified, pointed out, made plain. You're supposed to just go along with the ritual and accept the portentous as fact.\footnote{More at ally.id/birds}
\newpage
\index{Numinous!birds|)}

4
book/content/burnout.tex
View File

@ -1,4 +1,5 @@
\label{burnout}
\index{Software!burnout|(}
\renewcommand*{\footnoterule}{%
\kern-3pt%
\color[HTML]{444444}\hrule width 0.4\columnwidth
@ -199,7 +200,7 @@ I don't know.
Perhaps I'm only good for seven years at a time, like I said.
\begin{ally}
Did you burn out on music?
Did you burn out on music?\index{Music}
\end{ally}
I would say that I was burnt, but I placed that on the performers at my recital.
@ -220,3 +221,4 @@ I don't know.
\newpage
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}
\index{Software!burnout|)}

36
book/content/dad.tex
View File

@ -1,13 +1,9 @@
\label{dad}
\index{Dad|(}
\backgroundcolor{c[0]}[HTML]{cccccc}
\backgroundcolor{C[0](10000pt,10000pt)(0.6\columnsep,10000pt)}[HTML]{cccccc}
\backgroundcolor{c[1]}[HTML]{cccccc}
\backgroundcolor{C[1](0.6\columnsep,10000pt)(10000pt,10000pt)}[HTML]{cccccc}
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
@ -34,7 +30,7 @@ You know now that he was actually in quite a bit of pain.
\end{ally}
Yes.
I also know that he would close out the bar that Julie worked out, drinking the whole time.
I also know that he would close out the bar that Julie worked out, drinking the whole time.\index{Julie}
I know that if I went with, I'd spent countless hours meandering between the corner booth in the bar and the Pac-Man and Millipede cabinets up front.
@ -65,7 +61,7 @@ I realize, later, that the reason he was so angry was because, if I didn't steal
\begin{ally}
Tell me about the dress.
\end{ally}
I stole a paring knife and obsessively sharpened it. I cut at my wrists until, confronted with the realization that I would be asked about it, I stopped and cut on my big toes instead.
I stole a paring knife and obsessively sharpened it. I cut at my wrists until, confronted with the realization that I would be asked about it, I stopped and cut on my big toes instead.\index{Mental health!bipolar!depression}
\begin{ally}
You told your friend, Julene. She had no idea what to do, confronted with such information. You were eleven.
@ -73,9 +69,9 @@ You told your friend, Julene. She had no idea what to do, confronted with such i
What does one say to being told that your friend is self-harming? I would never tell anyone about self harm again, I promised myself.
\begin{ally}
Tell me about the dress.
Tell me about the dress.\index{Gender}
\end{ally}
I tried on Julie's dress. I tried on her teddy. I prowled, naked, through her rack of clothing in the spare room for things to try on. I spent a lot of time naked. I spent a lot of time masturbating. I wondered if I was gay because I tried on her clothing, or I tried on her clothing because I was gay.
I tried on Julie's dress. I tried on her teddy. I prowled, naked, through her rack of clothing in the spare room for things to try on. I spent a lot of time naked. I spent a lot of time masturbating. I wondered if I was gay because I tried on her clothing, or I tried on her clothing because I was gay.\index{Julie}
\begin{ally}
You told your friends confidently in third grade that lesbians were just women who wanted to be men and that gay men were just men who wanted to be women.
@ -213,7 +209,7 @@ At times.
\begin{ally}
Yes.
\end{ally}
At times it was stressful. At times it felt like we were going skiing so that my dad could take some time away from home, away from Julie. At times, when Julie came with us, it would be more stressful on the slopes than it was at home.
At times it was stressful. At times it felt like we were going skiing so that my dad could take some time away from home, away from Julie. At times, when Julie came with us, it would be more stressful on the slopes than it was at home.\index{Julie}
And then it fell apart.
@ -250,7 +246,7 @@ You drove a fraction of an inch too close to the shoulder, your right wheel veer
Yes.
\begin{ally}
He was drunk and in pain. His shoulder again. He yelled at Julie. Told you both to let him drive in silence.
He was drunk and in pain. His shoulder again. He yelled at Julie. Told you both to let him drive in silence.\index{Julie}
\end{ally}
Yes.
@ -297,11 +293,13 @@ I guess.
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}
\index{Dad!running away}
\includepdf{assets/static/grey--running-away-big--makyo.pdf}
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{rightcolumn*}
\begin{flushright}
\index{Journal entries}
\emph{June 10, 2015}
\end{flushright}
\end{rightcolumn*}
@ -423,7 +421,7 @@ Let me talk about the clinical side. You go back to the other version of the sto
Okay.
\begin{ally}
What was happening at this point, is that you were having an honest to goodness panic attack. You were entering a fugue state.
What was happening at this point, is that you were having an honest to goodness panic attack. You were entering a fugue state.\index{Mental health!anxiety}
\end{ally}
I froze for several minutes, probably about an hour, sitting on my bed and holding a broken mirror in my hands. All thoughts had left me, and all I could think about was not being. Not being here, not being at all.
@ -531,7 +529,7 @@ One of us was getting squeezed out.
Did you feel neglected?
\begin{ally}
That's nostalgia: neglect of the present in favor of the past.
That's nostalgia\index{Nostalgia}: neglect of the present in favor of the past.
\end{ally}
I suppose it is. I'll refrain from diving into a blog post like that again.
@ -597,7 +595,7 @@ Dig deeper.
\end{ally}
\newpage
\noindent When I was getting ready to leave bConnected, I started struggling with movements. It started as a twitchiness in the hands. It started with a wringing of the fingers. It started with a slight nod of the head. It started in so many tiny ways that I didn't really put together.
\noindent When I was getting ready to leave bConnected, I started struggling with movements. It started as a twitchiness in the hands. It started with a wringing of the fingers. It started with a slight nod of the head. It started in so many tiny ways that I didn't really put together.\index{Mental health!movement disorders}
\begin{quotation}
\noindent Twitching, twitching. Screw lorazepam. Gonna walk the dog instead :D
@ -680,7 +678,7 @@ It was nice.
It was. This was at the time in my life where I was learning what the proper amount of `dad' was that I could handle. About three hours. Maybe a little more. Any more than that and we'd both fall back into our old habits. We had much better reunions than we did an ongoing friendship.
\begin{ally}
And you drank, then.
And you drank, then.\index{Alcohol}
\end{ally}
Yes.
@ -695,7 +693,7 @@ It was nice.
In a smirking sort of way, I guess. In a \emph{oh wow I'm different now} way. In a \emph{I guess I'm finally starting to grow out of being your son} way.
\begin{ally}
Matthew had died.
Matthew had died.\index{The Death of Matthew}
\end{ally}
Yes. Matthew had died, and we were doing Thanksgiving together.
@ -715,6 +713,7 @@ Dig deeper.
\newpage
\end{leftcolumn}
\begin{rightcolumn*}
\index{Letters|(}
\emph{October 26, 2014}
\end{rightcolumn*}
\begin{leftcolumn}
@ -873,6 +872,7 @@ Still looking forward to seeing you Madison. This weekend is a bit of a rush, bu
Love Dad
\end{quotation}
\index{Letters|)}
\begin{ally}
Dig deeper.
@ -981,6 +981,8 @@ The him who kicked me, the him who I ran away from, the him who taught me that m
Maybe I do love him, I'm just not yet sure that I don't also hate him.
\newpage
\index{Writing!samples!poetry|(}
\index{Dogs}
\begin{verse}[1.01\textwidth]
There's some duality between sources of meaning,\\
\vin Between the types of stories we use to back identity.\\
@ -1017,6 +1019,7 @@ Maybe I do love him, I'm just not yet sure that I don't also hate him.
It's something subtler, comfortably complex, a topic of its own.\\
\vin I guess it's just meaning \& self.
\end{verse}
\index{Writing!samples!poetry|)}
\newpage
@ -1031,3 +1034,4 @@ Oh, \emph{constantly}.
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}
\resetbackgroundcolor
\index{Dad|)}

6
book/content/from-within.tex
View File

@ -1,4 +1,5 @@
\label{from-within}
\index{Mental health!bipolar!mania|(}
\renewfontfamily\pagenumfont{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=CCDDCCFF]
\backgroundcolor{c[0]}[HTML]{333a18}
@ -78,6 +79,7 @@ How long are your cycles?
\end{ally}
Three to five months.
\index{Writing!samples!fiction|(}
\begin{quotation}
\noindent It was toward the tail end of high school that I began to get plagued with depression and mood swings.
@ -119,6 +121,7 @@ And yet I keep trying.
All these words\ldots{}
\end{quotation}
\index{Writing!samples!fiction|)}
\begin{ally}
Which came first, the lilac-scented words on bipolar disorder, or the furry fiction?
@ -182,7 +185,7 @@ My muscles stopped working.
I fell.
\begin{ally}
JD thought it was the alcohol at first.
JD thought it was the alcohol at first.\index{Alcohol}
\end{ally}
Was it not? I was drunk.
@ -354,3 +357,4 @@ Let's go back, please.
\end{paracol}
\resetbackgroundcolor
\renewfontfamily\pagenumfont{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=000000FF]
\index{Mental health!bipolar!mania|)}

38
book/content/furry/furry.tex
View File

@ -1,4 +1,5 @@
\label{furry:furry}
\index{Furry|(}
\renewfontfamily\pagenumfont{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=CCCCDDFF]
\backgroundcolor{c[1]}[HTML]{1f183a}
\backgroundcolor{C[1](0.5\columnsep,10000pt)(10000pt,10000pt)}[HTML]{1f183a}
@ -39,13 +40,13 @@ A friend asks Maddy: what is irony?
\begin{ally}
Ah yes, the invisible six-foot-one trans woman with purple hair. That tired old trope.
\end{ally}
While I've had fursoñas\footnote{https://ally.id/furry/fursona} that were intended to be something better than myself --- Makyo, for a while, was dressed in a nice suit --- more often than not, they've played along similar lines.
While I've had fursoñas\footnote{ally.id/furry/fursona} that were intended to be something better than myself --- Makyo, for a while, was dressed in a nice suit --- more often than not, they've played along similar lines.
Ranna was a gay fox, a bit pudgy, with two tails he readily admitted were an early affectation to differentiate himself from countless other foxes.
Makyo was intentionally a transfeminine vixen who didn't pass.
Makyo was intentionally a transfeminine vixen who didn't pass.\index{Furry!fursoñas!Makyo}
Maddy's a dumpy, nerdy cis girl who dresses to hide her weight.
Maddy's a dumpy, nerdy cis girl who dresses to hide her weight.\index{Furry!fursoñas!Maddy}
\begin{ally}
And Madison's a dumpy, nerdy transfeminine girl who doesn't pass and dresses to hide her weight?
@ -78,7 +79,7 @@ Your very words set lie to your insecurities. Your fursoñas are yourself expres
Thank you.
\begin{ally}
If you could become Maddy, would you?
If you could become Maddy, would you?\index{Furry!fursoñas!Maddy}
\end{ally}
Yeah, in a heartbeat.
@ -127,7 +128,7 @@ And pedophiles?
\end{ally}
I'm sure of it.
I met my first boyfriend there. Danny. He was wickedly smart. We started moderating a subforum on long distance relationships in the LGBT section. I think. Something like that.
I met my first boyfriend there. Danny. He was wickedly smart. We started moderating a subforum on long distance relationships in the LGBT section. I think. Something like that.\index{Relationships!Danny}
\begin{ally}
Did you dig for that, too?
@ -146,7 +147,7 @@ I suppose. I learned about phone sex with Danny, at least. I miss that, actually
I learned about the theory of sex, embedded deep within puberty, and then I learned about furry.
\begin{ally}
You learned about typefucking
You learned about typefucking.\index{Sex!TS}
\end{ally}
Boy howdy did I.
@ -198,7 +199,7 @@ Ah yes, Fluff. May she rest in eternal solitude.
She's not totally gone. I don't think. I actually haven't checked in a while.
\begin{ally}
I'm starting to doubt your commitment to nostalgia, here.
I'm starting to doubt your commitment to nostalgia\index{Nostalgia}, here.
\end{ally}
What would I gain from such?
@ -213,14 +214,14 @@ You were glad to see they were alive.
I was glad to see they were alive, yes. That was around the time I had found the obituary for Danny.
\begin{ally}
You could \texttt{laston} Marek.
You could \texttt{laston} Marek.\index{Relationships!Marek}
\end{ally}
I'm not sure I could take that.
\begin{ally}
Is that why you don't want to connect?
\end{ally}
It's one reason. Nostalgia is only so much fun. It's fun up until a certain extent, and then it becomes painful.
It's one reason. Nostalgia\index{Nostalgia} is only so much fun. It's fun up until a certain extent, and then it becomes painful.
\begin{ally}
It's fun up until you're confronted with mortality and uncertainty. Danny died, and you don't know if Marek's alive.
@ -230,12 +231,12 @@ Yeah.
It's no longer fun, but it's no less important.
\begin{ally}
Let's talk about Margaras.
Let's talk about Margaras.\index{Furry!Margaras}
\end{ally}
Not yet.
\begin{ally}
Danny's passing was an abstract thing. Maragaras' was much more immediate. Much more concrete and real.
Danny's passing was an abstract thing. Maragaras' was much more immediate. Much more concrete and real.\index{Relationships!Danny}
\end{ally}
Please.
@ -261,7 +262,7 @@ You grew up.
\end{ally}
Yeah, we all grew up. We bought houses. We got jobs.
JD and Os dated for a little, and Bel and I nearly did. Even up until when I was working on polycul.es, we had dashed lines between us. I loved them.
James and Os dated for a little, and Bel and I nearly did. Even up until when I was working on polycul.es, we had dashed lines between us. I loved them.
\begin{ally}
`Loved'?
@ -275,7 +276,7 @@ Eventually, it got that way with you, too. And then you started feeling uncomfor
\end{ally}
Our relationships were organic. We met randomly. We drifted closer, orbited each other, and then we drifted apart. The same happened with friends from high school and university. The same happened with friends from the PN on FurryMUCK.
From those first, halting meetings, I wound up slowly working my way into meeting furries in person. First, there were the few at school. Then the few at the queer group. Then, in university, Os dragged me to Fort Fur Friday, which I attended basically until they moved out of Fort Collins. That's where I met JD.
From those first, halting meetings, I wound up slowly working my way into meeting furries in person. First, there were the few at school. Then the few at the queer group. Then, in university, Os dragged me to Fort Fur Friday, which I attended basically until they moved out of Fort Collins. That's where I met James.\index{Relationships!James}
Then I managed to make it to Anthrocon 2005. Then Further Confusion 2007. I was sold.
@ -304,7 +305,7 @@ Well played.
\noindent A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up.
My interest in furry wound down a bit in university. I'd burned myself a bit too hard, hurt too many people, grew too jaded to take part. I still prowled around the usual haunts on the MUCKs, still poked my head in FFF, still looked at all the art, \href{https://adjectivespecies.com/2012/03/21/makyos-kaddish/}{but my heart wasn't in it anymore}.
My interest in furry wound down a bit in university. I'd burned myself a bit too hard, hurt too many people, grew too jaded to take part. I still prowled around the usual haunts on the MUCKs, still poked my head in FFF, still looked at all the art, but my heart wasn't in it anymore.\footnote{adjectivespecies.com/2012/03/21/makyos-kaddish/}
\begin{ally}
There was a reason behind this. There were people behind this.
@ -342,7 +343,7 @@ Isn't that the point of writing?
I'm pretty sure all our names are writ on water at this point.
\begin{ally}
Come now. You wanted to be Keats when you grew up.
Come now. You wanted to be Keats when you grew up.\index{Writing!Keats}
\end{ally}
You're in a mood.
@ -354,7 +355,7 @@ Fine.
Where are you taking me?
\begin{ally}
Let {[}a{]}{[}s{]} speak for {[}a{]}{[}s{]}. Let yourself speak for yourself.
Let {[}a{]}{[}s{]} speak for {[}a{]}{[}s{]}. Let yourself speak for yourself.\index{Furry![adjective][species]}
\end{ally}
Okay.
\newpage
@ -379,12 +380,12 @@ I answered you.
\begin{ally}
Tell me your names.
\end{ally}
I am Madison. I am Maddy. I am Makyo.
I am Madison. I am Maddy. I am Makyo.\index{Furry!fursoñas!Makyo}\index{Furry!fursoñas!Maddy}
\begin{ally}
No Sarai? No Happenstance, or Younes?
\end{ally}
Sarai could die. I couldn't be her. Happenstance was a coping mechanism for gender. Younes was\ldots{}
Sarai could die. I couldn't be her. Happenstance was a coping mechanism for gender. Younes was\ldots{}\index{Furry!fursoñas!Sarai}\index{Furry!fursoñas!Happenstance}\index{Furry!fursoñas!Younes}
\begin{ally}
Tell me about Younes, then. That's where you started going before, right?
@ -399,3 +400,4 @@ No one said this project would be easy.
\end{paracol}
\resetbackgroundcolor
\renewfontfamily\pagenumfont{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=000000FF]
\index{Furry|)}

11
book/content/furry/margaras.tex
View File

@ -1,5 +1,6 @@
\label{furry:margaras}
\noindent Matthew didn't end when I changed my name. Matthew ended September 14th, 2012.
\index{Furry!Margaras|(}
\noindent Matthew didn't end when I changed my name. Matthew ended September 14th, 2012.\index{The Death of Matthew}
\begin{ally}
He died on the 6th. He just didn't know he was dead yet.
@ -14,6 +15,7 @@ Alright.
Watch the end of Matthew.
\newpage
\index{Journal entries|(}
\begin{hangparas}{2em}{1}
Koray arrives from the foyer.
@ -949,11 +951,12 @@ You have been logged out due to inactivity.
\% Connection to furry closed by foreign host.
\end{hangparas}
\index{Journal entries|)}
\vfill
\begin{center}
\noindent {\color[HTML]{444444} To see the process of moving on, visit {\allyFont https://ally.id/furry/margaras}}
\noindent {\color[HTML]{444444} To see the process of moving on, visit {\allyFont ally.id/furry/margaras}}
\end{center}
\newpage
@ -973,9 +976,10 @@ I know.
You hurt me.
\begin{ally}
I know. It's been seven years.
I know. It's been seven years.\index{Numinous!seven}
\end{ally}
\index{Writing!samples!poetry}
\begin{verse}
\emph{Yit'gadal v'yit'kadash sh'mei raba}\\
Would that I had the faith\\
@ -1000,3 +1004,4 @@ But it still hurts.
I know. We can continue.
\end{ally}
\newpage
\index{Furry!Margaras|)}

16
book/content/furry/younes.tex
View File

@ -1,8 +1,9 @@
\label{furry:younes}
\index{Furry!fursoñas!Younes|(}
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\noindent Back in 2011 and 2012, I started to really loathe being me.
\noindent Back in 2011 and 2012, I started to really loathe being me.\index{Gender}
\begin{ally}
`Started'?
@ -14,14 +15,14 @@ You started hating a lot more than that.
\end{ally}
I started hating my brain and my body. I started hating the coarseness of me. I started hating all my angles. I started hating my hair and my face and my genitals and my lies.
I was lying to JD. I was lying to work. I was lying to Tyson. I was lying to everyone who saw me online as a girl, and I was lying to everyone who saw me online as a boy. I was in a liminal place where I could tell no one the truth.
I was lying to James. I was lying to work. I was lying to Tyson. I was lying to everyone who saw me online as a girl, and I was lying to everyone who saw me online as a boy. I was in a liminal place where I could tell no one the truth.\index{Relationships!James}\index{Relationships!Tyson}
\begin{ally}
Not even yourself.
\end{ally}
Not yet, at least.
There were a few easy steps to take, of course. I saw a doctor who got me on meds.
There were a few easy steps to take, of course. I saw a doctor who got me on meds.\index{Mental health!medication}
\begin{ally}
Tell me about suicide.
@ -38,7 +39,7 @@ I started taking my own meds alongside those the doctor gave me. I started the s
\begin{ally}
Go back. Before that.
\end{ally}
Before that, I changed how I presented. I changed Makyo to be genderless. Started going by `it' pronouns. And I made Younes.
Before that, I changed how I presented. I changed Makyo to be genderless. Started going by `it' pronouns. And I made Younes.\index{Furry!fursoñas!Makyo}
Younes was a means for me to no longer lie. Or at least knock the severity of the lies down a few notches.
@ -123,14 +124,14 @@ Both, I suppose. It was a symptom of this growing unease, this feeling of being
A rangefinder camera uses a ghostly yellow image overlaid atop the real image when you look through the viewfinder. When you turn the ring of the lens to focus, that ghost slowly shifts to align with the object you want to be in focus.
\begin{ally}
Your view of yourself was slowly slipping from focus. Matthew was starting to lose coherency.
Your view of yourself was slowly slipping from focus. Matthew was starting to lose coherency.\index{The Death of Matthew}
\end{ally}
And Younes was one of the means of slowly dragging that back into focus.
It doesn't matter how right or wrong it was of me to use this tool. It does matter how wrong I was in the mechanics of the scenario.
\begin{ally}
You hid him. You covered him up and kept him from the world. You interacted with a completely different crowd, as Younes than you did as Makyo or Macchi. When that overlapped with Rikky, it was awkward.
You hid him. You covered him up and kept him from the world. You interacted with a completely different crowd, as Younes than you did as Makyo or Macchi. When that overlapped with Rikky, it was awkward.\index{Relationships!Rikoshi}\index{Furry!fursoñas!Makyo}\index{Furry!fursoñas!Macchi}
\end{ally}
It was, and not because of the altersex part. We interacted that way with Makyo as altersex, too, amd that didn't feel awkward at all. It felt like cheating to engage with the world as Younes. It felt shameful.
@ -167,9 +168,10 @@ And it cost you.
Yes. It cost me friends. It cost me sanity. It made me jerk away from the path I'd started down. Made me jerk out of focus again.
\begin{ally}
Let's talk about TIASAP.
Let's talk about TIASAP.\index{Gender!TIASAP}
\end{ally}
Yes.
\newpage
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}
\index{Furry!fursoñas!Younes|)}

25
book/content/gender/gender.tex
View File

@ -1,7 +1,8 @@
\label{gender:gender}
\index{Gender|(}
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\index{ally}
\begin{ally}
How did we get here?
\end{ally}
@ -20,7 +21,7 @@ Why are you trying to get me to do this?
\begin{ally}
Because we must take care to place ourselves in our time: now that we are done with writing about one of the hardest parts of our lives. And we must take special care that we locate ourselves within our place: having come at this conversation about gender through self-harm.
\end{ally}
Then yes. We got here through furry, which opened up the path before us to even begin exploring gender, and then we finally reached this topic through that of self-harm, wherein I came face to face with so many aspects of my body. It's so easy to disappear within one's own head for days, weeks, months at a time, but one eventually comes to terms with the fact that one is stuck with a body, and thus one must deal with it. Live with it and inhabit it.
Then yes. We got here through furry, which opened up the path before us to even begin exploring gender, and then we finally reached this topic through that of self-harm, wherein I came face to face with so many aspects of my body. It's so easy to disappear within one's own head for days, weeks, months at a time, but one eventually comes to terms with the fact that one is stuck with a body, and thus one must deal with it. Live with it and inhabit it.\index{Furry}
What better way to experience that sudden, jarring dissonance of body-ownership than to re-inhabit it and discover it to be wrong in so many ways?
\newpage
@ -28,7 +29,7 @@ What better way to experience that sudden, jarring dissonance of body-ownership
\noindent I stand by the fact that not every trans, non-binary, or queer person experiences gender through a negative lens. Dysphoria is not a requirement for being trans. It has to be the case that there be a positive way to experience gender, or transition would be simply an exercise in futility. There has to be a flip side. There has to be gender euphoria.
\begin{ally}
There has to be the little thrill of typing \texttt{morph\ female} and being able to interact with the world around you --- even if that's only in the instance of a furry text-base role-play game --- as something other, something truer. There has to be that even when you still enjoy the body you've got.
There has to be the little thrill of typing \texttt{morph\ female} and being able to interact with the world around you --- even if that's only in the instance of a furry text-base role-play game --- as something other, something truer. There has to be that even when you still enjoy the body you've got.\index{Furry}
\end{ally}
Or are at least okay with it being yours on a day-to-day basis, yes.
@ -44,7 +45,7 @@ If we got here through any one part of the trail I mentioned, it was through You
\begin{ally}
``I remember laying on the couch,'' you said. ``That awful, awful yellow couch, and {[}JD{]} getting playful, and then some little movement of his touched a nerve and I started crying because of the way that brushed up against me wasn't in focus.''
\end{ally}
Why do you bring my words back to me?
Why do you bring my words back to me?\index{ally!throwing stones}
\begin{ally}
``It brought to the forefront the fact that I didn't align with myself,'' you said. ``That there was a lag in my proprioception, that I was falling behind myself.''
@ -52,9 +53,9 @@ Why do you bring my words back to me?
I did. But why?
\begin{ally}
Because you wrote that in the section about liminality.
Because you wrote that in the section about liminality.\index{Liminal}
\end{ally}
Yes, but I wrote it two days later than I wrote about Younes.
Yes, but I wrote it two days later than I wrote about Younes.\index{Furry!fursoñas!Younes}
\begin{ally}
The time scale is not what I'm pointing at right now.
@ -62,10 +63,11 @@ The time scale is not what I'm pointing at right now.
Can you point?
\begin{ally}
Are you looking at my finger, or the moon? Don't dodge this. I'm pointing at the fact that you came at gender through furry, then through self-harm, and yet this quote, this realization of ``oh, shit, I might actually be trans'', is all the way on the other side of that goofy map you make, and from there, you headed into talking about your dad.
Are you looking at my finger, or the moon? Don't dodge this. I'm pointing at the fact that you came at gender through furry, then through self-harm, and yet this quote, this realization of ``oh, shit, I might actually be trans'', is all the way on the other side of that goofy map you make, and from there, you headed into talking about your dad.\index{Dad}
\end{ally}
So?
\index{ally}
\begin{ally}
And you headed from there to talking about your dad.
\end{ally}
@ -104,7 +106,7 @@ I remember laying on the couch --- that awful, awful yellow couch --- and him ge
\begin{ally}
As you said.
\end{ally}
I remember scooting back up into a sitting position, facing JD, with us sitting by the picture window in the living room. I remember words coming out in a jumble. I remember leaning heavily on similes. I remember taking lots of breaks as though I was collecting my thoughts when really I was trying to talk without my voice going all gross with tears. That horrible, bubbly, trapped-in-my-chest sound that comes with trying to talk while crying.
I remember scooting back up into a sitting position, facing James, with us sitting by the picture window in the living room. I remember words coming out in a jumble. I remember leaning heavily on similes. I remember taking lots of breaks as though I was collecting my thoughts when really I was trying to talk without my voice going all gross with tears. That horrible, bubbly, trapped-in-my-chest sound that comes with trying to talk while crying.\index{Relationships!James}
I remember explaining to him that I'd been spending so much time online having different parts than I actually had, that it was super jarring to have it brought into focus that that was actually not the case. I tried to say how, feeling him aroused and pressing against me, pressing between my legs, it hurt on a very emotional level that he was pressing only against my perineum and not against a vulva.
@ -118,7 +120,7 @@ They were things that I could feel and not say. They were as yet ineffable. They
\begin{ally}
And they were frightening. Too frightening to say.
\end{ally}
Yes, had I the words, I would not have been able to say them out of fear. Fear that they might drive JD away, but also fear that they might be true, because if they were true, I was fucked.
Yes, had I the words, I would not have been able to say them out of fear. Fear that they might drive James away, but also fear that they might be true, because if they were true, I was fucked.
\newpage
\begin{ally}
@ -209,7 +211,7 @@ Start at the beginning.
\end{ally}
And when I get to the end, stop. Yes.
As soon as I got surgery, literally when I was in the hospital, laying in bed on my five days strict bed-rest, something changed about the ways in which trans women interacted with me. I was, in some indescribable way, no longer trans.
As soon as I got surgery, literally when I was in the hospital, laying in bed on my five days strict bed-rest, something changed about the ways in which trans women interacted with me. I was, in some indescribable way, no longer trans.\index{Gender!surgery}
\begin{ally}
Or, perhaps, no longer trans enough.
@ -319,7 +321,7 @@ Yes.
Why?
\begin{ally}
I want you to justify yourself.
I want you to justify yourself.\index{ally!throwing stones}
\end{ally}
Why?
@ -370,6 +372,7 @@ What? Why?
You're proud. For the first time, you're proud of who you are.
\end{ally}
\vfill
\index{Gender|)}
\newpage
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}

4
book/content/gender/surgery.tex
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@ -1,4 +1,6 @@
\label{gender:surgery}
\index{Gender!surgery|(}
\index{Writing!samples!poetry|(}
\null
\vfill
\begin{verse}[1.01\textwidth]
@ -563,4 +565,6 @@ Surgery was, by far, the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.
\end{ally}
Why should this section then be easy to write?
\vfill
\index{Writing!samples!poetry|)}
\index{Gender!surgery|)}
\newpage

4
book/content/jay.tex
View File

@ -1,4 +1,5 @@
\label{jay}
\index{Jay|(}
\renewcommand*{\footnoterule}{%
\kern-3pt%
\color[HTML]{222288}\hrule width 0.4\columnwidth
@ -77,7 +78,7 @@ You'd be away from him. That's a reward.
\end{ally}
I hadn't thought of it that way.
The bench, though, was perfect. It faced a dining table,\footnote{\color[HTML]{222288}A dream: \emph{I am moving through the house, and suddenly a flood of brightly colored scorpions starts to pile in through the doors and windows. They're bright and plastic like Creepy Crawlers, but I know they'll be deadly. I have to hide under the dining room table. There is a flash, and then I'm riding on the table like a raft, but I have to be careful, as it is as if it's on a fulcrum and if I row or punt too hard, it will flip over, burying me in scorpions.}} and across from that, the computer which was kept powered off. No reading. No talking. No moving from the bench. If more than one of us were in trouble at the same time, no looking at each other; we sat on opposite ends.
The bench, though, was perfect. It faced a dining table,\footnote{\color[HTML]{222288}A dream: \emph{I am moving through the house, and suddenly a flood of brightly colored scorpions starts to pile in through the doors and windows. They're bright and plastic like Creepy Crawlers, but I know they'll be deadly. I have to hide under the dining room table. There is a flash, and then I'm riding on the table like a raft, but I have to be careful, as it is as if it's on a fulcrum and if I row or punt too hard, it will flip over, burying me in scorpions.}}\index{Dream} and across from that, the computer which was kept powered off. No reading. No talking. No moving from the bench. If more than one of us were in trouble at the same time, no looking at each other; we sat on opposite ends.
When he started taking up martial arts, he brought Zach and I with him. He thought\ldots{}well, I don't know what he thought. That it would make us men? That it would teach us to defend ourselves?
@ -206,3 +207,4 @@ And yet you felt free.
And yet I felt free.
\newpage
\renewcommand*{\footnoterule}{\oldfootnoterule}
\index{Jay|)}

4
book/content/koan.tex
View File

@ -1,4 +1,5 @@
\label{koan}
\index{Koan|(}
\noindent A friend asked Maddy: what is the importance of tension?
Maddy said: I don't know
@ -82,8 +83,9 @@ Some time later, the friend visited Maddy and found her reading on the front por
Maddy said: no, but I did my part.
The friend laughed and sat down next to Maddy to read with her.
\index{Koan|)}
\newpage
\index{ally}
\begin{ally}
Are you having fun?
\end{ally}

10
book/content/liminal.tex
View File

@ -1,9 +1,10 @@
\label{liminal}
\index{Liminal|(}
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\begin{ally}
If Matthew died on September 6th, 2012, was Madison born then?
If Matthew\index{The Death of Matthew} died on September 6th, 2012, was Madison born then?
\end{ally}
No, I don't think so. Madison was born some years later. Maybe at some point in 2014. The years in between were a sort of liminal time.
@ -67,7 +68,7 @@ Less than twenty-four hours. That's pretty short.
--I wound up in Montreal on the first of many work `sprints'. These were to become a common fixture for the next six years. After all, working from home only gets you so far. Gotta get together, actually learn how the others on your team work. Meet.
\begin{ally}
You had just started at Canonical. Are you sure that wasn't the death of Matthew? Or maybe it was getting married? Creating Younes?
You had just started at Canonical. Are you sure that wasn't the death of Matthew?\index{The Death of Matthew} Or maybe it was getting married? Creating Younes?
\end{ally}
Matthew was sick for a while. Can we put it that way? He was struggling to hold on, his time was at an end, he was looking rather pale.
@ -156,10 +157,10 @@ Another metaphor is that you have a box with a ball in it. On the wall of the bo
Or maybe you could think of it as endurance. You can hold a glass of water for a few minutes, but after a bit, it becomes painful, and after along time, your arm can start to feel paralyzed. Over time and with training, you might be able to endure that longer and longer.
The last two, in particular, are used often with the idea of grief in mind, which, I suppose, is fitting given how much I still bear over Margaras.
The last two, in particular, are used often with the idea of grief in mind, which, I suppose, is fitting given how much I still bear over Margaras.\index{Furry!Margaras}
\begin{ally}
Do you feel any for Matthew?
Do you feel any for Matthew?\index{The Death of Matthew}
\end{ally}
Less, perhaps.
@ -357,3 +358,4 @@ It's not even about the dress.
\newpage
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}
\index{Liminal|)}

11
book/content/movement.tex
View File

@ -1,4 +1,5 @@
\label{movement}
\index{Mental health!movement disorders|(}
\renewfontfamily\pagenumfont{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=220000FF]
\backgroundcolor{c[0]}[HTML]{e6e6fa}
@ -159,7 +160,7 @@ And then we hugged.
\begin{ally}
Not all of it was your balance. Some of it was an apology.
\end{ally}
Yes. Someone with a movement disorder who pretends it isn't there is, in some ineffable way, sadder than someone who at least makes some public acknowledgment that, yes, this is happening. The cane helped. People would see me shaking my head, see me shaky on my feet, and then see the cane and know, ``Ah yes, \emph{this} is happening.''
Yes. Someone with a movement disorder who pretends it isn't there is, in some ineffable way, sadder than someone who at least makes some public acknowledgment that, yes, this is happening. The cane helped. People would see me shaking my head, see me shaky on my feet, and then see the cane and know, ``Ah yes, \emph{this} is happening.''\index{Thisness}
\begin{ally}
You happened to pass by one of the attendees from the data panel shortly after, and overheard him telling his friend, ``That was a really cool panel, but I think he had Parkinson's or something. Every time he would get more interested in what he was talking about, it would get worse.''
@ -218,6 +219,7 @@ Why?
\end{ally}
\end{leftcolumn}
\begin{rightcolumn*}
\index{Journal entries}
\emph{March 10, 2018}
\end{rightcolumn*}
\begin{leftcolumn}
@ -459,6 +461,7 @@ I say `shortly after', when it was likely during that trip when I realized I fel
I just learned the word for it shortly after, the name. And by naming a thing, hoped to gain some sort of power over it.
\index{Writing!samples!fiction|(}
\begin{quotation}
\noindent Alv pinned his ears back against his head as he stomped down the length of the block. His boots were too much for the drizzle that the weather offered, but it was that or his threadbare sneakers, and some tiny part of his mind had done the calculation without the rest of him knowing, and he'd tugged the heavy things on for the walk.
\end{quotation}
@ -514,9 +517,10 @@ Yes.
``Would that my soul were that calm,'' he mumbled to the bare street at last and levered himself up creakily, climbing the rest of the stairs to head inside.
\end{quotation}
\index{Writing!samples!fiction|)}
\begin{ally}
Write what you know. Write about the way pacing slowly moved from its status as nervous habit to a necessity, to an ache. Write about how there was no relief in walking, just a drive, an itch you could never scratch but were nonetheless required to try. Write, and cast those words upon something else, upon someone else, so that you can look on them and say, ``Ah yes, \textbf{this} is happening.''
Write what you know. Write about the way pacing slowly moved from its status as nervous habit to a necessity, to an ache. Write about how there was no relief in walking, just a drive, an itch you could never scratch but were nonetheless required to try. Write, and cast those words upon something else, upon someone else, so that you can look on them and say, ``Ah yes, \textbf{this} is happening.''\index{Thisness}
\end{ally}
\begin{ally}
Write what you know but don't yet understand.
@ -554,7 +558,7 @@ She had a solution --- or a set of solutions --- that we could try. One medicati
\begin{ally}
And then, Thanksgiving.
\end{ally}
Yes. Thanksgiving, and my dad visiting.
Yes. Thanksgiving, and my dad visiting.\index{Dad}
\begin{ally}
He had seen the tic before, at least.
@ -616,3 +620,4 @@ On an intellectual level, sure. I know. On some deeper level, obviously I don't.
\resetbackgroundcolor
\renewfontfamily\pagenumfont{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=000000FF]
\index{Mental health!movement disorders|)}

36
book/content/poet-and-mystic.tex
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@ -1,4 +1,5 @@
\label{poet-and-mystic}
\index{Numinous|(}
\renewfontfamily\pagenumfont{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=CCCCDDFF]
\backgroundcolor{c[0]}[HTML]{2f082a}
@ -6,6 +7,7 @@
\backgroundcolor{c[1]}[HTML]{2f082a}
\backgroundcolor{C[1](0.6\columnsep,10000pt)(10000pt,10000pt)}[HTML]{2f082a}
\index{Numinous!seven}
\includepdf{assets/static/master.pdf}
\begin{paracol}{2}
@ -54,11 +56,12 @@ You make a terrible mystic. Your poetry's just okay.
\end{leftcolumn}
\begin{rightcolumn*}
\index{Writing!samples!poetry}
\fontspec{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=CCCCDDFF,Ligatures=TeX]
\renewfontfamily\allyFont{Merriweather Sans}[Scale=0.9,Color=EEEEFFFF,Ligatures=TeX]
\begin{verse}[1.01\textwidth]
\small
Seven flies circle,\\
Seven\index{Numinous!seven} flies circle,\\
Trimmers chatter down the block:\\
The hum of summer.
@ -128,6 +131,7 @@ And then?
\begin{rightcolumn*}
\fontspec{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=CCCCDDFF,Ligatures=TeX]
\renewfontfamily\allyFont{Merriweather Sans}[Scale=0.9,Color=EEEEFFFF,Ligatures=TeX]
\index{Journal entries|(}
\emph{March 10, 2004}
\end{rightcolumn*}
\begin{leftcolumn}
@ -135,7 +139,7 @@ And then?
\renewfontfamily\allyFont{Merriweather Sans}[Scale=0.9,Color=EEEEFFFF,Ligatures=TeX]
\noindent We wandered around for a bit before ending up sprawled in a fire-escape at FHS with Shannon in my lap, me in Ash's lap, and Andrew in Kiran's lap. Andrew ditched to go shooting with Ash and Kiran, while I went to bomb a history test. That's when things started getting really weird. I had a percoset relapse (whether that's what it was or not, it felt oddly similar to the real thing: an incurable itch buried beneath my skin, to the point where I can't actually scratch it) near the end of the period, and then in choir I imploded from empathy - so many emotions from others that I had no room for my own. Then, horns grew from my chest and head, and wings from my back; a giant fox escaped, left, and exploded into a thousand birds over Viele. Mind you, none of this really happened, but I sure felt strange. During latin, I exploded from empathy in a patchwork swirl of colors while Starin et al. stared on as I banged my head against the desk. Ms. Gibert didn't notice. I yelled for help inaudibly and searched out white points of light in the black silhouette of Boulder. I yelled for Ash and searched for Moondog.
Afterwards, I figured out how to regain control (mostly) and just in time for the bell to ring. I got a small mocha at Cafe Sole, got eaten by small greenish crystals on a table while supposed psychics did fairy readings from a kids book, and here I am, about to take a shower and get ready for Great Works rehearsal, and then group, whereupon I shall request to Reiki Moondog (again) during the speakers board on gay marriage. Hopefully I don't ex-/im-plode again \^{}\^{}
Afterwards, I figured out how to regain control (mostly) and just in time for the bell to ring. I got a small mocha at Cafe Sole, got eaten by small greenish crystals on a table while supposed psychics did fairy readings from a kids book, and here I am, about to take a shower and get ready for Great Works rehearsal, and then group, whereupon I shall request to Reiki Moondog (again) during the speakers board on gay marriage. Hopefully I don't ex-/im-plode again \^{}\^{}\index{Relationships!Michael}
\newpage
\end{leftcolumn}
\begin{rightcolumn*}
@ -245,6 +249,7 @@ Faith? You're faithful? How have you EVER been faithful to love?
\end{ally}
Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani!
\end{quotation}
\index{Journal entries|)}
\newpage
\null
\thispagestyle{empty}
@ -303,16 +308,16 @@ So that you can disappear entirely.
\begin{leftcolumn}
\fontspec{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=000000FF,Ligatures=TeX]
\renewfontfamily\allyFont{Merriweather Sans}[Scale=0.9,Color=000000FF,Ligatures=TeX]
\index{ally}
\begin{ally}
Why this? Why now? Why after your dad?
\end{ally}
Why talk about ecstasy?
Why talk about ecstasy?\index{Dad}
\begin{ally}
Yes.
\end{ally}
Dissociation.
Dissociation.\index{Mental health!dissociation}
\begin{ally}
Well, that was quick. I was expecting more roundabout. We would banter. You would get flustered. I would get smug.
@ -345,6 +350,7 @@ Fair.
\backgroundcolor{C[1](0.6\columnsep,10000pt)(10000pt,10000pt)}[HTML]{ccddbb}
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\index{Writing!samples!poetry|(}
\fontspec{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=000000FF,Ligatures=TeX]
\renewfontfamily\allyFont{Merriweather Sans}[Scale=0.9,Color=000000FF,Ligatures=TeX]
@ -363,8 +369,8 @@ in some changeful duet.
You'd tell me about the geese in the sky,\\
would watch me stand still and not ask why\\
the birds scared me to pieces,\footnote{https://makyo.ink/bruise-vision/}\\
even as we dodged around their feces\footnote{https://makyo.ink/the-dogs-assure-me/}\\
the birds scared me to pieces,\footnote{makyo.ink/bruise-vision/}\\
even as we dodged around their feces\footnote{makyo.ink/the-dogs-assure-me/}\\
littering the trails.
You'd put up with my fickle interests,\\
@ -579,6 +585,7 @@ Now, it's just me, alone, quiet, thinking\\
of you by the shore, forever drinking\\
of sweet water.
\end{verse}
\index{Writing!samples!poetry|)}
\newpage
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}
@ -670,6 +677,7 @@ I know.
\null
\vfill
\index{Writing!samples!poetry|(}
\begin{center}
\begin{Spacing}{0}
speak to me\\\vspace{-7pt}
@ -700,7 +708,7 @@ the face of god
That is why I can tread along the border.\\
That is why I'm able to whisper the name of God.\\
That is why I'm allowed to know the number and how to factor it.\\
That is why I have seven fingers spread wide and three curled toward my heart.\\
That is why I have seven\index{Numinous!seven} fingers spread wide and three curled toward my heart.\\
That is why my limbs trace the curves and lines of power when I dance.\\
That is why I sit with my back to the sun in summer.\\
That is why my body is a canvas.\vspace{-7pt}
@ -735,7 +743,7 @@ the face of god
\vin \vin when chaos birthed to order and disorder,\\
we were blessed with two souls.
One has seven eyes and can see all of the monsters in the dark,\\
One has seven\index{Numinous!seven} eyes and can see all of the monsters in the dark,\\
\vin \vin but is blinded by the sun.
The other has no eyes,\\
@ -811,6 +819,7 @@ the face of god
The only time I know my true name is when I pray.
\end{verse}
\vfill
\index{Writing!samples!poetry|)}
\flushpage
\end{paracol}
@ -883,7 +892,7 @@ I was overflowing, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I watched my shi
I was overflowing, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I watched the wings stretch and extend from the wound on my back. ``Aha,'' I thought. ``This is it. This is finally it. It's finally happening. I am becoming something greater, and here I am, so unprepared!''
I was overflowing, though, not transforming, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. The growth did not stop at wings. An eye. A beak. The graceful curve of a head. Plumage.
I was overflowing, though, not transforming, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. The growth did not stop at wings. An eye. A beak. The graceful curve of a head. Plumage.\index{Numinous!birds|(}
``No, this isn't it.'' I panicked, and could think of nothing else but to apologize. ``I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.''
@ -913,12 +922,16 @@ A bird had plucked something from me. Something precious. Something unknowable.
The caw it gave as my vision left me and my ears filled with static was\ldots{}triumphant? No, not quite. Triumph implies that the birds could do anything but succeed. In that sound was inevitability.
After school, - - - and I tramped through the `mini-forest' and, impelled by something of the avian within, I collected five sticks.
After school, - - - and I tramped through the `mini-forest' and, impelled by something of the avian within, I collected five sticks.\index{Numinous!birds|)}
They had to be as straight as possible.
They had to be balanced as close to the middle as possible.
They had to be the same length without me breaking them.
They had to have been from different trees.
They had to have fallen more than a year prior.
When I got home, I lay them in a row, asked my questions, and, one by one, broke them in half.
@ -981,3 +994,4 @@ It's not, but it's important that you have tried.
\resetbackgroundcolor
\renewfontfamily\pagenumfont{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=000000FF]
\index{Numinous|)}

31
book/content/poly.tex
View File

@ -5,7 +5,7 @@
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\noindent My parents put me through three divorces. My mother and father divorced when I was very young. Young to the point where I don't remember them being married. I remember finding a picture of them walking with their arms around each other's backs. Dad was shirtless and chestnut brown, hair a near-black 'fro. Mom was in a white blouse, blonde hair in a perm. It seemed so alien to me.
\noindent My parents put me through three divorces. My mother and father divorced when I was very young. Young to the point where I don't remember them being married. I remember finding a picture of them walking with their arms around each other's backs. Dad was shirtless and chestnut brown, hair a near-black 'fro. Mom was in a white blouse, blonde hair in a perm. It seemed so alien to me.\index{Mom}\index{Dad}
Mom and Jay got divorced when I was in my freshman year of high school. I remember being taken to a family therapy session for Jay's lingering divorce with his previous wife, but no such luck with his divorce with my mom. I just remember things getting bad after I came out, and then my mom coming downstairs to wake me one morning and inform me that we were moving out. Today. Now.
@ -36,7 +36,7 @@ Stop trying to get me to talk about mania.
At first, I was proud of my relationships. Then I was embarrassed. There were so many, all in a line. One would trickle into existence with, as I put it, \emph{light, in through the head, out through the heart}. We'd be perfect, until we weren't. Everything would be delightful, until it wasn't. It's the way of early relationships, I suppose. You fall for someone, and you can't quite pick apart the difference between love and lust.
I just went through so many that I started feeling a bit weird about it. How do I talk about the Danny-Marek-Merlin-Andrew-Michael-Andy-Rikky-Kayla-Tyson-Andrew(again) progression? And how do I talk about Lon? Or what JD and I were at the beginning?
I just went through so many that I started feeling a bit weird about it. How do I talk about the Danny-Marek-Merlin-Andrew-Michael-Andy-Rikky-Kayla-Tyson-Andrew(again) progression? And how do I talk about Lon? Or what James and I were at the beginning?
\begin{ally}
Doubtless with the same lilac-scented words you talk about everything.
@ -51,6 +51,7 @@ Some bits weren't so easy, though. The overlap between the discussion that's inv
Are you going to provide us with a Venn Diagram? In hand-coded SVG, perhaps?
\end{ally}
\index{Maddy!Catastrophically Maddy}
\noindent\includegraphics[width=4.25in]{assets/static/healthy-sound.png}
Happy?
@ -60,7 +61,7 @@ Very. I just wanted to ensure that you were at your very Maddy-est about this.
\end{ally}
When my dad divorced Julie, he told her he hadn't loved her in ten years. He told her he married her because she was easy to deal with. Quiet. Compliant. Not as smart as him. He could be right around her, which wasn't always guaranteed with mom.
Julie's friends gave her a rubber rat afterward. They had scribbled his name on it. The rat was sitting on a plaque that said \texttt{Rat\ Bastard}. The last time I saw her, she was very drunk, sagged against my side, sobbing and beating that rat against the nightstand.
Julie's friends gave her a rubber rat afterward. They had scribbled his name on it. The rat was sitting on a plaque that said \texttt{Rat\ Bastard}. The last time I saw her, she was very drunk, sagged against my side, sobbing and beating that rat against the nightstand.\index{Julie}
\begin{ally}
And you didn't want to be like him when you grew up? Color me surprised.
@ -92,8 +93,9 @@ Of course.
\end{ally}
The first mention on LiveJournal was April 6th, 2004.
\index{Journal entries}
\begin{quotation}
Of the interesting topics that popped up, that of polygamy stuck with me the most. Michael has a date with another on Thursday and, while this brought up issues with Merlin and Atrius, all I can say right now to Michael is that I wish him the best of luck. It just feels like it would actually /work/ in his case. As to how it pertains to me, I'm not sure if my mind could handle having two mates. Granted I still have a thing for Kory (hah, good luck with that) and a few others, I just don't think I could find another who a) would be willing to have that sort of relationship with me and b) I could have that sort of relationship with. Ah well. Something to think about.
Of the interesting topics that popped up, that of polygamy stuck with me the most. Michael\index{Relationships!Michael} has a date with another on Thursday and, while this brought up issues with Merlin and Atrius, all I can say right now to Michael is that I wish him the best of luck. It just feels like it would actually /work/ in his case. As to how it pertains to me, I'm not sure if my mind could handle having two mates. Granted I still have a thing for Kory (hah, good luck with that) and a few others, I just don't think I could find another who a) would be willing to have that sort of relationship with me and b) I could have that sort of relationship with. Ah well. Something to think about.
\end{quotation}
\begin{ally}
@ -116,7 +118,7 @@ That's rare, isn't it?
\begin{ally}
Vanishingly.
\end{ally}
Listen, we were both trans. The subject was complex.
Listen, we were both trans. The subject was complex.\index{Gender}
\begin{ally}
You were a cis gay guy. You told me that. You were unsure of vaginas.
@ -131,7 +133,7 @@ Listen.
\begin{ally}
Yes?
\end{ally}
There were bits of sexuality that didn't work for me when I was bepenised. A lot of those make sense in a transgender context. Matthew was still a gay guy, but the Ship-of-Theseusizing was already beginning.
There were bits of sexuality that didn't work for me when I was bepenised. A lot of those make sense in a transgender context. Matthew was still a gay guy, but the Ship-of-Theseusizing was already beginning.\index{The Death of Matthew}\index{Ship of Theseus}
\begin{ally}
`Bepenised'? `Ship-of-Theseusizing'?
@ -139,11 +141,11 @@ There were bits of sexuality that didn't work for me when I was bepenised. A lot
You verbed it first.
\begin{ally}
We've gotten off track.
We've gotten off track.\index{ally}
\end{ally}
Right.
In two previous relationships, poly had come up, and neither time, it had worked. With Merlin and Atrius, I had immediately jumped to jealousy. I felt as though I was being set aside.
In two previous relationships, poly had come up, and neither time, it had worked. With Merlin and Atrius, I had immediately jumped to jealousy. I felt as though I was being set aside.\index{Relationships!Merlin}
\begin{ally}
Never one to have a high opinion of yourself.
@ -188,7 +190,7 @@ I'll own that.
\end{ally}
I met JD in 2005, and met Robin in 2012. By 2013, I was in a relationship with both, and we were sharing dinner, along with Robin's partner, at a convention. It was natural. Comfortable. It was fun.
And now, I'm in relationships of various sorts with a half dozen people. The changes between then were so incremental, and discussed so thoroughly, that it really does feel Ship of Theseish.
And now, I'm in relationships of various sorts with a half dozen people. The changes between then were so incremental, and discussed so thoroughly, that it really does feel Ship of Theseish.\index{Ship of Theseus}
\begin{ally}
Stop.
@ -198,7 +200,7 @@ Never.
The other consequence of that is that, along the way, I sufficiently distanced myself from the mechanics of my parents' relationships that I finally felt comfortable in calling that dream fulfilled. The turning point was my mom, during one of her visits back to Colorado, mentioned my relationship with Robin as something she could never do.
\begin{ally}
Are you sure it wasn't writing a Python/Javascript/SVG web app to map polycules using force-directed layouts?
Are you sure it wasn't writing a Python/Javascript/SVG web app to map polycules using force-directed layouts?\index{Maddy@Catastrophically Maddy}
\end{ally}
Okay, maybe it was before then.
@ -225,7 +227,7 @@ And if you're queer and at least of a certain age, relationship anarchy is baked
\begin{ally}
Queer people, queer relationships.
\end{ally}
Yes. June, 2004:
Yes. June, 2004:\index{Journal entries}
\begin{quotation}
Queer hair, queer mouth, queer brain, queer sleeves, queer shoes, queer toes, queer nails, queer fingers, queer palms, hairy palms, queer wrists, limp wrists, queer arms, queer shoulders, arms around shoulders, queer neck, sensitive neck, queer hair, curly, queer ears, sensitive ears, eargasmic, queer cheek, blushing cheek, queer nose, got it from my dad, queer eyes, queer colors, got them from my grandpa, queer eyebrows, but not as queer as some, queer face, too long, queer chest, too skinny, queer belly, padded, queer crotch, go figure, queer thighs, better believe it, queer knees, queer calfs, queer ankles, queer legs, flexible, queer feet, still smell, queer guy, no surprise.
@ -280,7 +282,7 @@ I don't know. I haven't gotten to the point of talking to myself about this yet,
\begin{ally}
So what would you say, then?
\end{ally}
My gut instinct says that, since I'm trans, I've transgressed the lines of gender-normative relationships; since I'm poly, I've transgressed the lines of relationship-normative relationships. That, since I am queer, the relationship must be as well.
My gut instinct says that, since I'm trans, I've transgressed the lines of gender-normative relationships; since I'm poly, I've transgressed the lines of relationship-normative relationships. That, since I am queer, the relationship must be as well.\index{Gender}
\begin{ally}
But?
@ -298,7 +300,7 @@ Perhaps. Perhaps you are feeling contention because you are having to work, for
My other relationships have taken work, though.
\begin{ally}
Your other partners have spoken the same language as you. It was easier to coordinate that work. You and Barac are having to learn each other's language as you go along.
Your other partners have spoken the same language as you. It was easier to coordinate that work. You and Barac are having to learn each other's language as you go along.\index{Relationships!Barac}
\end{ally}
Robin and I had to learn the language of poly when we were starting out together. Judith and I and Colton and I both had our own things to learn as our relationships grew.
@ -307,7 +309,7 @@ Yes, but you all spoke queer. None of you really spoke normative, a skill you're
\end{ally}
\newpage
\noindent I've been married for seven years. Robin and I have been together for more than five. My polycule has grown steadily over the years, and I have to wonder: how much of my polyamory, my relationship anarchy is a coping mechanism for how I was raised?
\noindent I've been married for seven years. Robin and I have been together for more than five. My polycule has grown steadily over the years, and I have to wonder: how much of my polyamory, my relationship anarchy is a coping mechanism for how I was raised?\index{Relationships!James}\index{Relationships!Robin}
\begin{ally}
Does it matter?
@ -344,3 +346,4 @@ You know what? Now's as good a time as any.
\resetbackgroundcolor
\renewfontfamily\pagenumfont{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=000000FF]
\index{Relationships!polyamory|)}

1
book/content/self-harm/self-harm.tex
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@ -1,4 +1,5 @@
\label{selfharm:selfharm}
\index{Mental Health!self harm}
\renewcommand*{\footnoterule}{%
\kern-3pt%
\color[HTML]{dddddd}\hrule width 0.4\columnwidth

32
book/content/self-harm/suicide.tex
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@ -1,4 +1,5 @@
\label{selfharm:suicide}
\index{Mental health!suicide|(}
\renewfontfamily\pagenumfont{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=AAAAAAFF]
\backgroundcolor{c[0]}[HTML]{16161d}
@ -27,12 +28,12 @@ Even now.
\begin{ally}
You wrote that disclaimer four months after the attempt itself. You copied it from some notes from back then. You even kept the Steve Eisman quote.
\end{ally}
Yes. Nostalgia, remember?
Yes. Nostalgia\index{Nostalgia}, remember?
\begin{ally}
Are you nostalgic for those weighty months after you tried to kill yourself?
\end{ally}
If Matthew died on September of that year, then he was sick long before. This was part of his long, slow death rattle.
If Matthew died on September of that year, then he was sick long before. This was part of his long, slow death rattle.\index{The Death of Matthew}
Perhaps it's not totally accurate to say that I'm nostalgic for that time in particular, but I suppose I am nostalgic for the sense of change that permeated the air around me then. Something big was happening. Something terrible and wonderful.
@ -73,7 +74,7 @@ So.
I tried to kill myself on March 21st, 2012. It was, as the epigram said, not a big deal; it was just my big deal.
\newpage
\noindent I'll be honest, I stole the concept of \emph{thisness}, the phrase, ``See, it is doing \emph{this} now'' from a science fiction book.
\noindent I'll be honest, I stole the concept of \emph{thisness}, the phrase, ``See, it is doing \emph{this} now'' from a science fiction book.\index{Thisness}
\begin{ally}
I honestly expected nothing less.
@ -85,7 +86,7 @@ The biggest thing I've taken away from therapy has been an increased sense of se
\begin{ally}
Like this one.
\end{ally}
Yes. That's why I'm moving so much more slowly with it now. I have slid off the pedestal and into the slow morass of depression. I can feel it coloring my life with anhedonia.
Yes. That's why I'm moving so much more slowly with it now. I have slid off the pedestal and into the slow morass of depression. I can feel it coloring my life with anhedonia.\index{Mental health!bipolar!depression}
\begin{ally}
Not coloring, no. Sapping the color. Not even black-and-white, but an absence. A missingness.
@ -132,7 +133,7 @@ You brought your anxiety, but not your depression. You thought you just had anxi
No, and there's the problem.
\newpage
\noindent When I first started therapy, I did what I thought was the right thing by bringing an open mind. It wasn't enough for me to seek help, I had to be told what was wrong with me. So anxious was I to not diagnose myself, I had to let someone do the work to pry the symptoms from me.
\noindent When I first started therapy, I did what I thought was the right thing by bringing an open mind. It wasn't enough for me to seek help, I had to be told what was wrong with me. So anxious was I to not diagnose myself, I had to let someone do the work to pry the symptoms from me.\index{Mental health!anxiety}
I didn't tell Dr Johnston that I was feeling bad. I told him my boss told me I was angry. I didn't tell him that I was depressed, I told him that James was worried about how anxious I was.
@ -149,7 +150,7 @@ And all my deepest fears, all of those things I would ruminate on during a panic
\begin{ally}
It hurt.
\end{ally}
Yes. I was given a long-acting anxiolytic and a more powerful, shorter-lasting one for breakthrough anxiety. When things hurt, they calmed and soothed the pain. They removed it.
Yes. I was given a long-acting anxiolytic and a more powerful, shorter-lasting one for breakthrough anxiety. When things hurt, they calmed and soothed the pain. They removed it.\index{Mental health!medication}
\begin{ally}
They removed a lot more than just the pain of panic.
@ -157,7 +158,7 @@ They removed a lot more than just the pain of panic.
Yes.
\newpage
\noindent The problem of working with clients on a task with a specified end-goal, one that is finished and about which you can say, ``ah, it does \emph{this} now'', is that when the project is done, there is nothing left.
\noindent The problem of working with clients on a task with a specified end-goal, one that is finished and about which you can say, ``ah, it does \emph{this} now'', is that when the project is done, there is nothing left.\index{Thisness}
\begin{ally}
This is a problem with any task. This is a grander problem.
@ -176,12 +177,12 @@ Dissociation is a hell of a drug.
\begin{ally}
It's a dreamy thing. It's a soft thing. It's a cottony thing. It's a muffled thing. It's watching your hands move. It's watching yourself breathe. It's feeling the air move in and out of you with a distant, slightly confused detachment. It's ``ah, it does \textbf{this} now'', except saying that about some strange machine which is not yourself.
\end{ally}
I watched myself sit down in my chair. I watched myself turn on \emph{Babylon 5}. I watched myself mow through two glasses of gin.
I watched myself sit down in my chair. I watched myself turn on \emph{Babylon 5}. I watched myself mow through two glasses of gin.\index{Alcohol}\index{Mental health!dissociation}
\begin{ally}
You watched yourself with a metaphysical quirk of the eyebrow as you reached forward, grabbed the box of X-acto wood-carving tools --- purchased, doubtless, for some long forgotten project --- and flipped it open. You watched numbly as you slashed open the inside of your arm. There was a moment where you marveled at how long it took for the blood to well up, where you could see the white of subcutaneous fat.
\end{ally}
And then the pain snapped me to.
And then the pain snapped me to.\index{Mental health!self harm}
\newpage
\noindent Okay, I lied. Just a little bit.
@ -215,7 +216,7 @@ Yes.
\begin{ally}
You felt that slide into dissociation, felt the folding blade click into place with a vague sense of surprise, then jolted as it drew across your leg.
\end{ally}
Yes.
Yes.\index{Mental health!self harm}
\begin{ally}
You felt that same jolt of humiliation and pain and anger and fear.
@ -240,16 +241,17 @@ I really don't know.
\begin{ally}
Tell me what happened after.
\end{ally}
I started whispering James' name--
I started whispering James' name--\index{Relationships!James}
\begin{ally}
Both times?
\end{ally}
Both times. I started whispering his name, then eventually swallowed the miniscule bit of pride I had left and called out loud enough to wake him up. ``Can you come help me?'' I asked. It took asking two more times before he got up. I found out later that he thought I had made a mess and just wanted help cleaning up, thinking that I should just clean up my own messes. A good point, that.
Though the rest of the night in March is still sort of a blur --- I hadn't totally gotten out of the state that I was in, just woken up enough to engage with the mechanics --- I do remember James helping me to clean and bandage my arm as we sat on the floor of the bathroom, the dog occasionally wandering in and out. The whole time, I was still sobbing, blubbering out, ``I don't want to leave you, I don't want to leave Zephyr, I don't know why I did that, I'm sorry'' over and over again.
Though the rest of the night in March is still sort of a blur --- I hadn't totally gotten out of the state that I was in, just woken up enough to engage with the mechanics --- I do remember James helping me to clean and bandage my arm as we sat on the floor of the bathroom, the dog occasionally wandering in and out. The whole time, I was still sobbing, blubbering out, ``I don't want to leave you, I don't want to leave Zephyr, I don't know why I did that, I'm sorry'' over and over again.\index{Dogs}
\newpage
\index{Journal entries}
\noindent I'm so tired.
\begin{ally}
@ -289,6 +291,7 @@ I locked myself in the bathroom and broke down again.
Both James and Karl checked in on me throughout the next few hours, but it was mostly spent huddled up on the cold tile of the floor feeling awful about both myself and what I'd done --- that it had any effect on those around me was just starting to hit home. I will not lie that, several times throughout the night, I wished that I had succeeded in order to not be going through what I was going through at the time. I simply couldn't stand what I'd done.
\newpage
\index{Tweets}
\begin{quotation}
\noindent Things are totally out of control now.
@ -324,7 +327,7 @@ Where's your tweet from this time?
\end{ally}
\begin{quotation}
\noindent As someone who went to the ER last night and got 12 stitches only to find out that insurance ended on the 30th and I haven't received my COBRA paperwork yet so we'll see how fucked I am financially: mood. https://t.co/sil5Yf2617
\noindent As someone who went to the ER last night and got 12 stitches only to find out that insurance ended on the 30th and I haven't received my COBRA paperwork yet so we'll see how fucked I am financially: mood. https://thehardtimes.net/culture/man-without-health-insurance-just-going-to-give-it-a-few-more-days/
--- @drab\_makyo October 10, 2019
\end{quotation}
@ -412,7 +415,7 @@ This topic, or this project?
\end{ally}
I don't know.
\newpage
\index{ally}
\noindent Let's talk about something else. Please.
\begin{ally}
@ -459,3 +462,4 @@ I've just never seen any evidence to the contrary.
\resetbackgroundcolor
\renewfontfamily\pagenumfont{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=000000FF]
\index{Mental health!suicide|)}

14
book/content/sex/kink.tex
View File

@ -1,4 +1,5 @@
\label{sex:kink}
\index{Sex!kink|(}
\fontspec{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=EEEEEEFF,Ligatures=TeX]
\renewfontfamily\allyFont{Merriweather Sans}[Scale=0.9,Color=EEEEEEFF,Ligatures=TeX]
@ -7,7 +8,7 @@
Delve into kink.
\begin{ally}
Well, and fuck around on Taps a lot.
Well, and fuck around on Taps a lot.\index{Sex!TS}
\end{ally}
The two go hand in hand. When sex makes you intensely anxious, it turns out that getting tied up and blindfolded just sort of multiplies that anxiety.
@ -43,14 +44,14 @@ I don't imagine non-consensual sex ever was, no.
\end{ally}
Not really, but using kink as a coping mechanism for anxieties around rape is at least a way forward for me.
Ditto humiliation. Being made to feel inadequate, often by people I was supposed to look up to, was such a negative force in my life --- in Matthew's life --- that it left me with quite a bit of baggage. This is just a way to sort through it.
Ditto humiliation. Being made to feel inadequate, often by people I was supposed to look up to, was such a negative force in my life --- in Matthew's life\index{The Death of Matthew} --- that it left me with quite a bit of baggage. This is just a way to sort through it.
\begin{ally}
Sexily.
\end{ally}
I suppose. It's something of a metakink. Many of the others stem from that, or from a similar core interest.
Scent-play as a means of degradation: why would a snow leopard smell of canine? Fits in nicely with knotting. Why not toss in some species denial, too; no more kitty, you say `arf' now.
Scent-play as a means of degradation: why would a snow leopard smell of canine? Fits in nicely with knotting. Why not toss in some species denial, too; no more kitty, you say `arf' now.\index{Furry}
Scruffing, in the context of furry, especially with felines, is a means of rendering one helpless. Coercion and weakened mental states fit as well. Those all sort of tag along with the non-consensual core kink
@ -62,7 +63,7 @@ Yes. Abuse. Damage. Bad ends.
\begin{ally}
Where do those come from?
\end{ally}
Self hatred. Self harm. Destroy me before I destroy myself.
Self hatred. Self harm. Destroy me before I destroy myself.\index{Mental health!self harm}
\begin{ally}
Really?
@ -78,10 +79,10 @@ Yes.
\begin{ally}
Do you enjoy vanilla sex, then?
\end{ally}
Perhaps. I suppose I must. So much of what I did for so long, online and off, was vanilla. Even now, much of it is.
Perhaps. I suppose I must. So much of what I did for so long, online and off, was vanilla. Even now, much of it is.\index{Sex!TS}\index{Furry}
\begin{ally}
Yet ``sneps are for abusing''.
Yet ``sneps are for abusing''.\index{Furry!fursoñas!Maddy}
\end{ally}
Yes.
@ -105,3 +106,4 @@ It's exposure therapy because at some point, you started enjoying sex --- or at
\end{ally}
Yes.
\newpage
\index{Sex!kink|)}

6
book/content/sex/rape.tex
View File

@ -1,4 +1,5 @@
\label{sex:rape}
\index{Sex!rape|(}
\renewcommand*{\footnoterule}{%
\kern-3pt%
\color[HTML]{dccccc}\hrule width 0.4\columnwidth
@ -51,7 +52,7 @@ No.
\begin{ally}
That was quick.
\end{ally}
No, I can promise you that, if there is a simple cause for me being ace (and there emphatically isn't), it's my reliance on TS. I found sex confusing, baffling, and kind of gross long before I had my own little struggle with consent.
No, I can promise you that, if there is a simple cause for me being ace (and there emphatically isn't), it's my reliance on TS. I found sex confusing, baffling, and kind of gross long before I had my own little struggle with consent.\index{Sex!TS}
Being ace, being autochorissexual, even if I didn't have the words for it, even if I didn't believe in such a thing, even if such a thing couldn't possibly apply to me, was the case from the very beginning of my embodied sexual interactions. It was the case from the very beginning. It was the case from when I lost my virginity, however slippery the concept is.
@ -75,7 +76,7 @@ Less quick.
\end{ally}
It's unclear to me. It's something of a new thought I've had lately. Was part of what kept me struggling and striving to have a healthy sexual existence due to me trying to overcome this aspect of my past?
Beyond that, was TIASAP\footnote{\color[HTML]{dccccc}Page \pageref{selfharm:selfharm}} me accepting that I wasn't succeeding?
Beyond that, was TIASAP\footnote{\color[HTML]{dccccc}Page \pageref{selfharm:selfharm}} me accepting that I wasn't succeeding?\index{Gender!TIASAP}
Perhaps.
@ -132,3 +133,4 @@ The blackbird whistling, or just after.
\end{ally}
\newpage
\renewcommand*{\footnoterule}{\oldfootnoterule}
\index{Sex!rape|)}

37
book/content/sex/sex.tex
View File

@ -1,4 +1,5 @@
\label{sex:sex}
\index{Sex|(}
\renewfontfamily\pagenumfont{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=111111FF]
\backgroundcolor{c[0]}[HTML]{eeeef8}
@ -49,7 +50,7 @@ You're getting ahead of yourself. The solutions arrived before the problem made
\end{ally}
I suppose so.
My first sexual experiences took place over the phone and over text. Late night, parked in front of my computer with the cordless pinned between my cheek and shoulder, Danny and I masturbated together 1,800 miles apart. There was only the soft sounds of breathing, the quiet monosyllables, and the rushed reassurances that, yes, we were close, and then a shaky sigh from both of us.
My first sexual experiences took place over the phone and over text. Late night, parked in front of my computer with the cordless pinned between my cheek and shoulder, Danny and I masturbated together 1,800 miles apart. There was only the soft sounds of breathing, the quiet monosyllables, and the rushed reassurances that, yes, we were close, and then a shaky sigh from both of us.\index{Relationships!Danny}
\begin{ally}
You can still hear his voice saying two things: ``Mattie'', his pet name for you, and the sleepy, giddy kind of ``I love you'' that comes after an orgasm when you've both stayed up far too late.
@ -65,6 +66,7 @@ Another easy solution I latched onto was erotic roleplay. TS. Typefucking. Co-au
I latched on and wouldn't let go. Still haven't. Beyond even myself, it shows up in my writing:
\index{Writing!samples!fiction|(}
\begin{quotation}
\noindent And it was there where I found love. There where I found love and lust and romance and flings. I dated. I TSed (we were, of course, too cool to use so vulgar a word as ‘cyber’). I set up relationships for characters in our games, and I set up relationships that transcended that, two hearts touching through only those white words on a black screen.
@ -78,11 +80,12 @@ I latched on and wouldn't let go. Still haven't. Beyond even myself, it shows up
I’m sure we all hungered for touch.
\end{quotation}
\index{Writing!samples!fiction|)}
\begin{ally}
Did you?
\end{ally}
Did I what? Write bits of my life into furry fiction?
Did I what? Write bits of my life into furry fiction?\index{Furry}
\begin{ally}
Hunger for touch.
@ -96,7 +99,7 @@ Yes. The problem was that I wanted to experience arousal and climax, but not rea
Even then, I'm not so sure.
\newpage
\index{Sex!asexuality|(}
\noindent The problem was that I didn't really want sex. I loved the idea of it, loved reading and writing about it, loved ERP, loved consuming art, loved thinking about it, loved masturbating. I just didn't really love sex itself.
Not for lack of trying, mind. I played around with my partners, tamping down my anxiety and squeamishness in order to try and just enjoy myself, enjoy our times together. Often, I was at least reasonably successful, too. I still have fond memories of some fun romps.
@ -116,7 +119,7 @@ And the shame.
Yes, there was plenty of that. The unswerving sense that I had messed up. That I was doing something wrong. That this was all so disgusting. That this baffling act of smashing meat together was somehow a positive thing, but I just couldn't see how.
\begin{ally}
You tried to cleanse yourself of that with TIASAP. You also tried going the other way. You went to the Underground parties. You gathered around you a core group of people you trusted and played with them. You worked to extract that shame from yourself so that you could live without it.
You tried to cleanse yourself of that with TIASAP.\index{Gender!TIASAP} You also tried going the other way. You went to the Underground parties. You gathered around you a core group of people you trusted and played with them. You worked to extract that shame from yourself so that you could live without it.
\end{ally}
Sometimes it worked. Sometimes it was a matter of the stars aligning.
@ -162,7 +165,7 @@ To then be gay, and especially then to bottom, is to turn every bit of that on i
\begin{ally}
The other?
\end{ally}
Getting raped just kind of messes you up.
Getting raped just kind of messes you up.\index{Sex!rape}
\begin{ally}
Ah.
@ -245,10 +248,11 @@ There was Pilot.
\end{ally}
We were in no way compatible.
\index{Relationships!Michael|(}
\begin{ally}
There was Michael.
\end{ally}
I \emph{knew} it. I knew that was coming. I could feel you winding up to throw that in my face.
I \emph{knew} it. I knew that was coming. I could feel you winding up to throw that in my face.\index{ally!throwing stones}
\newpage
\begin{ally}
@ -314,7 +318,7 @@ I hate that phrase.
\input{content/sex/rape.tex}
\end{rightcolumn*}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\noindent You throw my words back at me?
\noindent You throw my words back at me?\index{ally!throwing stones}
\begin{ally}
@ -326,9 +330,10 @@ Fine. Yes. Perhaps there was some aspect of \emph{doppelwunsch} to our relations
It opened you up. ``Ah,'' you thought. ``Perhaps the reason sex doesn't work so well with guys is maybe I'm more into women.''
\end{ally}
That's putting it quite glibly, but perhaps in a way, yes.
\index{Relationships!Michael|)}
\begin{ally}
So you dated Kayla.
So you dated Kayla.\index{Relationships!Kayla}
\end{ally}
Yes. We even had sex a few times.
@ -354,7 +359,7 @@ No.~Why do you feel it important to add that?
\end{ally}
Because to not do so would do a disservice to my years trying to be sexually active. They weren't bad years, and I did have some success at it.
JD and I eventually got together. We had a good amount of sex. We went to the Underground parties --- orgies, really --- and had lots of fun there. Bel and I had a good amount of sex, and it was pretty good. I looked forward to seeing them, simply because the sex was pretty good, as well as because they were good friends.
JD and I eventually got together. We had a good amount of sex. We went to the Underground parties --- orgies, really --- and had lots of fun there. Bel and I had a good amount of sex, and it was pretty good. I looked forward to seeing them, simply because the sex was pretty good, as well as because they were good friends.\index{Relationships!James|)}
\begin{ally}
So if the sex was pretty good, if you still had a lot of fun playing around with your husband, why did you stop? Why did you eventually remove your choice in the matter and chemically castrate yourself?
@ -366,7 +371,7 @@ I resented how I shared so many wonderful and complete sexual interactions with
\begin{ally}
You resented that you had to take part so wholeheartedly, too. You resented that you had to stop, to do nothing but sex for so long.
\end{ally}
Yes. I could typefuck and read. I could typefuck and do homework. I could typefuck and browse porn. I could typefuck twice at the same time, or three times, spending time with one person on SPR and another on FurryMUCK, or hell, two people on one MUCK, one in the same room while paging another elsewhere.
Yes. I could typefuck and read. I could typefuck and do homework. I could typefuck and browse porn. I could typefuck twice at the same time, or three times, spending time with one person on SPR and another on FurryMUCK, or hell, two people on one MUCK, one in the same room while paging another elsewhere.\index{Furry}\index{Sex!TS}
Hell, I resent having to focus on a single thing even now. Even as I write this, I'm on a train with no cell signal, and I resent the fact that I have to focus just on this without the ability to tab over and, say, chat with someone.
@ -384,12 +389,12 @@ Other than uncomfortable and itchy? I think that's how I described it earlier.
\begin{ally}
Yes.
\end{ally}
I guess it makes me feel anxious and confused, just in different ways. It's comfortable enough for JD and I to not have a a sexual relationship. He's still a gay guy, for the most part, so for me to have transitioned to the extent that I have means that we don't really click on a sexual level anymore.
I guess it makes me feel anxious and confused, just in different ways. It's comfortable enough for JD and I to not have a a sexual relationship. He's still a gay guy, for the most part, so for me to have transitioned to the extent that I have means that we don't really click on a sexual level anymore.\index{Relationships!James}
He's not my only partner, though. Robin is still sexual. Barac is still sexual. Colton is still sexual. I have all these sexual people in my life, and they're all people I'm attracted to and with whom I've shared sexuality in one way or another, but with whom I mostly feel disinclined to have sex with for any number of reasons.\footnote{A dream: \emph{I am getting intimate with someone and we decide to take our clothes off. I feel a wave of anxiety, and sure enough, it turns out that having had surgery was a dream and I still have a penis. Sometimes, it's not that it never happened, but that my penis has grown back. It's never shown, but strongly implied that this will be the end of the relationship.}}
He's not my only partner, though. Robin\index{Relationships!Robin} is still sexual. Barac\index{Relationships!Barac} is still sexual. Colton is still sexual. I have all these sexual people in my life, and they're all people I'm attracted to and with whom I've shared sexuality in one way or another, but with whom I mostly feel disinclined to have sex with for any number of reasons.\footnote{A dream: \emph{I am getting intimate with someone and we decide to take our clothes off. I feel a wave of anxiety, and sure enough, it turns out that having had surgery was a dream and I still have a penis. Sometimes, it's not that it never happened, but that my penis has grown back. It's never shown, but strongly implied that this will be the end of the relationship.}}\index{Dream}
\begin{ally}
And Judith?
And Judith?\index{Relationships!Judith}
\end{ally}
We had penetrative sex for the first time --- a sort of exploratory thing --- when last she visited, and shortly after, she mentioned feeling ace, herself.
@ -456,11 +461,11 @@ Spell it out plainly.
\end{ally}
Okay.
Surgery helped. Hell, transition as a whole helped. Being a girl has helped. Sure, it might be nice to be the penetrating partner, but I also dearly love being penetrated, and this has added that to my life.
Surgery helped. Hell, transition as a whole helped. Being a girl has helped. Sure, it might be nice to be the penetrating partner, but I also dearly love being penetrated, and this has added that to my life.\index{Gender!surgery}
Talking and thinking about it has helped. I spend a lot of time working on this, because even if I can't become a sexual person, becoming more comfortable with being an asexual person would be a good thing.
Even kink has helped, as mentioned. As has typefucking. I've started interacting more as Makyo lately, as an explicitly transgender character, as someone so very like myself. I'll never be able to have anything other than complicated and weird trans sex as a complicated and weird trans woman, and so doing so intentionally, owning the less-than-ideal realities of my body and mind in a place where it's so easy to take part in the ideal feels like a healthy step forward.
Even kink has helped, as mentioned. As has typefucking. I've started interacting more as Makyo lately, as an explicitly transgender character, as someone so very like myself. I'll never be able to have anything other than complicated and weird trans sex as a complicated and weird trans woman, and so doing so intentionally, owning the less-than-ideal realities of my body and mind in a place where it's so easy to take part in the ideal feels like a healthy step forward.\index{Sex!TS}
\begin{ally}
Late bloomer that you are, you're learning that all of the less-than-ideal aspects of sex are a part of the whole experience, and that you can still have fun despite them.
@ -479,3 +484,5 @@ The only bit I'm really unhappy about is that it keeps me from making others hap
\resetbackgroundcolor
\renewfontfamily\pagenumfont{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=000000FF]
\index{Sex!asexuality|)}
\index{Sex|)}

13
book/content/writing/music.tex
View File

@ -1,4 +1,5 @@
\label{writing:music}
\index{Music|(}
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{rightcolumn*}
\begin{flushright}
@ -8,7 +9,7 @@
\noindent\includegraphics[width=2in]{assets/static/miniatures/1-2.png}
\end{rightcolumn*}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\noindent I did not fall into music of my own accord, my dad bought me a saxophone.
\noindent I did not fall into music of my own accord, my dad bought me a saxophone.\index{Dad}
\begin{ally}
As his dad bought him before you.
@ -122,7 +123,7 @@ Lord help me, I have no idea why, but I did.
\end{rightcolumn*}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\noindent When you're a choir kid, you're a choir kid.
\noindent When you're a choir kid, you're a choir kid.\index{Music!choir|(}
\begin{ally}
The first rule of the tautology club is the first rule of the tautology club.
@ -149,7 +150,7 @@ Give me a second.
\begin{ally}
Take your time.
\end{ally}
I suppose I was going to go on to say that when you're a choir kid and a boy, something happens inside people's heads. They go a little bit crazy.
I suppose I was going to go on to say that when you're a choir kid and a boy, something happens inside people's heads. They go a little bit crazy.\index{Gender}
There are other identities within school, after all. There's band, of course. Band is pretty egalitarian (in some ways; obviously individual instruments have their own gender roles). There's some of the sports, too, where a girl joining the team would be quite out of place, if it's even allowed. Nerds fall along similar lines --- or fell, I suspect this is changing --- in that a girl nerd is considered something more unique.
@ -210,9 +211,9 @@ I got strong enough to go on two choir tours in South Korea.
I got strong enough to leave the music education program and move to music composition.
I got strong enough to talk to the department chair about why I wasn't getting lessons through the school.
I got strong enough to talk to the department chair about why I wasn't getting lessons through the school.\index{Music!choir|)}
I got strong enough to stand up to Dr.~Wohl when he was called on it and not selected to be the new professor.
I got strong enough to stand up to Dr.~Wohl when he was called on it and not selected to be the new professor.\index{Music!composition|(}
\begin{ally}
Not strong enough to suffer defeat.
@ -319,6 +320,8 @@ Yes.
You promise yourself you are okay with this.
\end{ally}
Yes.
\index{Music!composing|)}
\newpage
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}
\index{Music|)}

6
book/content/writing/software.tex
View File

@ -1,4 +1,5 @@
\label{writing:software}
\index{Software|(}
\renewfontfamily\pagenumfont{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=05264CFF]
\backgroundcolor{c[0]}[HTML]{eaf5ff}
@ -90,7 +91,7 @@ It made it so easy to start projects.
\begin{ally}
Too easy.
\end{ally}
Yes. They littered his computer, his \href{https://github.com/makyo-old/}{git repositories}. Started and abandoned, sometimes even before any code was written. There exist more than one project which is simply a skeleton of a Django application with a name. No code. No documents. No info.
Yes. They littered his computer, his git repositories\footnote{github.com/makyo-old/}. Started and abandoned, sometimes even before any code was written. There exist more than one project which is simply a skeleton of a Django application with a name. No code. No documents. No info.
\begin{ally}
No motivation.
@ -190,7 +191,7 @@ Do I?
\begin{ally}
Don't lose focus. You left UHG for Canonical, and started all over again.
\end{ally}
I lasted longer this time, in terms of burnout. I was productive for a lot longer. I liked the job a lot better. Even after I left, I think I liked it better at its worst than I liked IA at its worst.
I lasted longer this time, in terms of burnout. I was productive for a lot longer. I liked the job a lot better. Even after I left, I think I liked it better at its worst than I liked IA at its worst.\index{Software!burnout}
\begin{ally}
And at least you did rather like some of the coworkers.
@ -213,3 +214,4 @@ When will you fade?
\resetbackgroundcolor
\renewfontfamily\pagenumfont{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=000000FF]
\index{Software|)}

26
book/content/writing/writing.tex
View File

@ -1,4 +1,5 @@
\label{writing:writing}
\index{Writing|(}
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\noindent Today, my therapist asked what the plot was to this new writing project.
@ -38,7 +39,7 @@ You are ill-defined.
\end{ally}
Not going to deny that.
I'd say a lot of this project is accidental, unintentional. I stumble about at the end of your lead and, as you say, spin circles around the smallest of things. It's hard to come at this with some sort of idea of a plot. I can't even work chronologically, because if we work from the beginning of Matthew's life back in 2000, we keep having to double back and look at proto-Matthew's life before that, and to understand that, we keep having to look at all these other people.
I'd say a lot of this project is accidental, unintentional. I stumble about at the end of your lead and, as you say, spin circles around the smallest of things. It's hard to come at this with some sort of idea of a plot. I can't even work chronologically, because if we work from the beginning of Matthew's life back in 2000, we keep having to double back and look at proto-Matthew's life before that, and to understand that, we keep having to look at all these other people.\index{The Death of Matthew}
\begin{ally}
There are too many of you.
@ -86,7 +87,7 @@ And for others? Is there not enjoyment to be gained from that which you create?
\end{ally}
\emph{Disappearance} was good, I thought. I got a lot of good words sent my way from some folks that mean a lot to me for it. The story left an impact on them, they came away from it with some sort of enjoyment, or at least some level of emotional resonance.
This project, though? I don't know. there are bits that I've tried to make enjoyable. I had fun with the koans\footnote{Page \pageref{koan}} and birds\footnote{Page \pageref{birds}}. I put a lot of emotional investment into the bits about Margaras\footnote{Page \pageref{furry:margaras}} and my dad\footnote{Page \pageref{dad}}. I tried to do some fun mixed-media stuff with the fursoña animations\footnote{https://ally.id/furry/fursona} and the mysticism stuff.\footnote{https://ally.id/poet-and-mystic} I can see those being enjoyable.
This project, though? I don't know. there are bits that I've tried to make enjoyable. I had fun with the koans\footnote{Page \pageref{koan}} and birds\footnote{Page \pageref{birds}}. I put a lot of emotional investment into the bits about Margaras\footnote{Page \pageref{furry:margaras}} and my dad\footnote{Page \pageref{dad}}. I tried to do some fun mixed-media stuff with the fursoña animations\footnote{ally.id/furry/fursona} and the mysticism stuff.\footnote{ally.id/poet-and-mystic} I can see those being enjoyable.
\begin{ally}
And the rest?
@ -149,7 +150,7 @@ I assume you went looking for one of these execrable poems of yours?
I did. I wasn't really able to find much from The Before Times, but I found a few from shortly after while prowling through my LiveJournal and archives of my old site in high school.
\begin{ally}
\href{https://web.archive.org/web/2005*/http://ranna.babylonia.flatirons.org/}{RedFox! Productions}, right?
RedFox! Productions,\footnote{makyo.io/rfp} right?
\end{ally}
Gah, yeah. I was a kid, alright?
@ -162,6 +163,7 @@ If you say so.
\emph{September 26, 2003}
\end{rightcolumn*}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\index{Writing!samples!poetry|(}
\textbf{I.}
\begin{verse}
Borne through air,\\
@ -276,6 +278,7 @@ If you say so.
Wind blows on\\
\vin \vin Past.
\end{verse}
\index{Writing!samples!poetry}
\newpage
\begin{ally}
@ -305,6 +308,7 @@ Tell me about it.
\end{flushright}
\end{rightcolumn*}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\index{Writing!samples!poetry|(}
\begin{verse}[1.01\textwidth]
What hath man wrought!\\
\vin When faced with the question of love\\
@ -414,18 +418,19 @@ While not true itself, it is truth lit:\\
\vin In a society misshapen\\
If a wrathful god fell and no one cared a whit?
\end{verse}
\index{Writing!samples!poetry|)}
\begin{center}
\rule{1in}{0.1pt}
\end{center}
\begin{ally}
Ah yes, your Keats phase.
Ah yes, your Keats phase.\index{Writing!Keats}
\end{ally}
It was a mixture of Keats and Larry Niven, I think.
\begin{ally}
That is intensely Madison.
That is, like...catastrophically Madison.
\end{ally}
Thanks.
@ -442,9 +447,9 @@ Could be better.
\begin{ally}
If you went from a mockery of creativity to a mockery of play, when did you settle down and just write a damn story?
\end{ally}
I think it wasn't too long after, actually. I wrote \href{https://writing.drab-makyo.com/fiction/all-of-time-at-once/}{\emph{All of Time at Once}} in April of 2004, and that was the first time I started to think, \emph{ah-hah, okay, there's a rhythm to this, a pace, a set of mechanics as well as an art.}
I think it wasn't too long after, actually. I wrote \emph{All of Time at Once}\footnote{writing.drab-makyo.com/fiction/all-of-time-at-once/} in April of 2004, and that was the first time I started to think, \emph{ah-hah, okay, there's a rhythm to this, a pace, a set of mechanics as well as an art.}
And from then on, I basically dropped writing in favor of music for months. Sure, there were a few others scattered around there. \href{https://writing.drab-makyo.com/fiction/tu-pater-et-mater/}{\emph{Tu pater et mater}} in May of 2003, and \href{https://writing.drab-makyo.com/fiction/light/}{\emph{Light}} in June of 2004, but other than that, I kind of just dropped it.
And from then on, I basically dropped writing in favor of music for months. Sure, there were a few others scattered around there. \emph{Tu pater et mater}\footnote{writing.drab-makyo.com/fiction/tu-pater-et-mater/} in May of 2003, and \emph{Light}\footnote{writing.drab-makyo.com/fiction/light/} in June of 2004, but other than that, I kind of just dropped it.
\begin{ally}
Why?
@ -461,7 +466,7 @@ I wrote a few essays I was reasonably proud of, but it took another four years b
\begin{ally}
Ah yes, your ``boy meets girl with a twist'' story.
\end{ally}
Yeah, \emph{The Consequences of Dissonance}.
Yeah, \emph{The Consequences of Dissonance}.\footnote{writing.drab-makyo.com/fiction/consequences-of-dissonance}
\begin{ally}
You originally named it \textbf{Coming to Terms with Being a Terrible Person}.
@ -515,7 +520,7 @@ Did you stop having fun, or did you stop doing the work?
\end{ally}
I think it's more complex than that. There was fun to be had in the race to the finish line. I think that's why NaNo is so popular. And doubtless it was work, of course.
But with the fun of having already won gone, I was faced with the fact that I had less outline than I had originally thought. Pantsing, as the community so eloquently puts it, may work well for some folks, but I was mostly left feeling uninspired and unmotivated once December hit. The same thing happened with \emph{Getting Lost} and \emph{Inner Demons}. I started strong enough with the basic idea as I tried to write by the seat of my pants, but without a direction or even any goal, I lost steam and wound up disheartened.
But with the fun of having already won gone, I was faced with the fact that I had less outline than I had originally thought. Pantsing, as the community so eloquently puts it, may work well for some folks, but I was mostly left feeling uninspired and unmotivated once December hit. The same thing happened with \emph{Getting Lost}\footnote{writing.drab-makyo.com/fiction/getting-lost/} and \emph{Inner Demons}.\footnote{writing.drab-makyo.com/work/inner-demons/} I started strong enough with the basic idea as I tried to write by the seat of my pants, but without a direction or even any goal, I lost steam and wound up disheartened.
\begin{ally}
Do you not do well without goals, then? You don't seem to have one for this project.
@ -576,7 +581,7 @@ Good luck, kid.
\begin{ally}
If this is about creativity, then tell me about composing.
\end{ally}
Shall I do so in song?\footnote{https://ally.id/writing/music}
Shall I do so in song?\footnote{ally.id/writing/music}
\begin{ally}
Please.
@ -585,3 +590,4 @@ No thanks, but I'll tell you all the same.
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\index{Writing|)}