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Madison Scott-Clary
2020-02-19 16:56:23 -08:00
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38
book/content/furry/furry.tex
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@ -1,4 +1,5 @@
\label{furry:furry}
\index{Furry|(}
\renewfontfamily\pagenumfont{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=CCCCDDFF]
\backgroundcolor{c[1]}[HTML]{1f183a}
\backgroundcolor{C[1](0.5\columnsep,10000pt)(10000pt,10000pt)}[HTML]{1f183a}
@ -39,13 +40,13 @@ A friend asks Maddy: what is irony?
\begin{ally}
Ah yes, the invisible six-foot-one trans woman with purple hair. That tired old trope.
\end{ally}
While I've had fursoñas\footnote{https://ally.id/furry/fursona} that were intended to be something better than myself --- Makyo, for a while, was dressed in a nice suit --- more often than not, they've played along similar lines.
While I've had fursoñas\footnote{ally.id/furry/fursona} that were intended to be something better than myself --- Makyo, for a while, was dressed in a nice suit --- more often than not, they've played along similar lines.
Ranna was a gay fox, a bit pudgy, with two tails he readily admitted were an early affectation to differentiate himself from countless other foxes.
Makyo was intentionally a transfeminine vixen who didn't pass.
Makyo was intentionally a transfeminine vixen who didn't pass.\index{Furry!fursoñas!Makyo}
Maddy's a dumpy, nerdy cis girl who dresses to hide her weight.
Maddy's a dumpy, nerdy cis girl who dresses to hide her weight.\index{Furry!fursoñas!Maddy}
\begin{ally}
And Madison's a dumpy, nerdy transfeminine girl who doesn't pass and dresses to hide her weight?
@ -78,7 +79,7 @@ Your very words set lie to your insecurities. Your fursoñas are yourself expres
Thank you.
\begin{ally}
If you could become Maddy, would you?
If you could become Maddy, would you?\index{Furry!fursoñas!Maddy}
\end{ally}
Yeah, in a heartbeat.
@ -127,7 +128,7 @@ And pedophiles?
\end{ally}
I'm sure of it.
I met my first boyfriend there. Danny. He was wickedly smart. We started moderating a subforum on long distance relationships in the LGBT section. I think. Something like that.
I met my first boyfriend there. Danny. He was wickedly smart. We started moderating a subforum on long distance relationships in the LGBT section. I think. Something like that.\index{Relationships!Danny}
\begin{ally}
Did you dig for that, too?
@ -146,7 +147,7 @@ I suppose. I learned about phone sex with Danny, at least. I miss that, actually
I learned about the theory of sex, embedded deep within puberty, and then I learned about furry.
\begin{ally}
You learned about typefucking
You learned about typefucking.\index{Sex!TS}
\end{ally}
Boy howdy did I.
@ -198,7 +199,7 @@ Ah yes, Fluff. May she rest in eternal solitude.
She's not totally gone. I don't think. I actually haven't checked in a while.
\begin{ally}
I'm starting to doubt your commitment to nostalgia, here.
I'm starting to doubt your commitment to nostalgia\index{Nostalgia}, here.
\end{ally}
What would I gain from such?
@ -213,14 +214,14 @@ You were glad to see they were alive.
I was glad to see they were alive, yes. That was around the time I had found the obituary for Danny.
\begin{ally}
You could \texttt{laston} Marek.
You could \texttt{laston} Marek.\index{Relationships!Marek}
\end{ally}
I'm not sure I could take that.
\begin{ally}
Is that why you don't want to connect?
\end{ally}
It's one reason. Nostalgia is only so much fun. It's fun up until a certain extent, and then it becomes painful.
It's one reason. Nostalgia\index{Nostalgia} is only so much fun. It's fun up until a certain extent, and then it becomes painful.
\begin{ally}
It's fun up until you're confronted with mortality and uncertainty. Danny died, and you don't know if Marek's alive.
@ -230,12 +231,12 @@ Yeah.
It's no longer fun, but it's no less important.
\begin{ally}
Let's talk about Margaras.
Let's talk about Margaras.\index{Furry!Margaras}
\end{ally}
Not yet.
\begin{ally}
Danny's passing was an abstract thing. Maragaras' was much more immediate. Much more concrete and real.
Danny's passing was an abstract thing. Maragaras' was much more immediate. Much more concrete and real.\index{Relationships!Danny}
\end{ally}
Please.
@ -261,7 +262,7 @@ You grew up.
\end{ally}
Yeah, we all grew up. We bought houses. We got jobs.
JD and Os dated for a little, and Bel and I nearly did. Even up until when I was working on polycul.es, we had dashed lines between us. I loved them.
James and Os dated for a little, and Bel and I nearly did. Even up until when I was working on polycul.es, we had dashed lines between us. I loved them.
\begin{ally}
`Loved'?
@ -275,7 +276,7 @@ Eventually, it got that way with you, too. And then you started feeling uncomfor
\end{ally}
Our relationships were organic. We met randomly. We drifted closer, orbited each other, and then we drifted apart. The same happened with friends from high school and university. The same happened with friends from the PN on FurryMUCK.
From those first, halting meetings, I wound up slowly working my way into meeting furries in person. First, there were the few at school. Then the few at the queer group. Then, in university, Os dragged me to Fort Fur Friday, which I attended basically until they moved out of Fort Collins. That's where I met JD.
From those first, halting meetings, I wound up slowly working my way into meeting furries in person. First, there were the few at school. Then the few at the queer group. Then, in university, Os dragged me to Fort Fur Friday, which I attended basically until they moved out of Fort Collins. That's where I met James.\index{Relationships!James}
Then I managed to make it to Anthrocon 2005. Then Further Confusion 2007. I was sold.
@ -304,7 +305,7 @@ Well played.
\noindent A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up.
My interest in furry wound down a bit in university. I'd burned myself a bit too hard, hurt too many people, grew too jaded to take part. I still prowled around the usual haunts on the MUCKs, still poked my head in FFF, still looked at all the art, \href{https://adjectivespecies.com/2012/03/21/makyos-kaddish/}{but my heart wasn't in it anymore}.
My interest in furry wound down a bit in university. I'd burned myself a bit too hard, hurt too many people, grew too jaded to take part. I still prowled around the usual haunts on the MUCKs, still poked my head in FFF, still looked at all the art, but my heart wasn't in it anymore.\footnote{adjectivespecies.com/2012/03/21/makyos-kaddish/}
\begin{ally}
There was a reason behind this. There were people behind this.
@ -342,7 +343,7 @@ Isn't that the point of writing?
I'm pretty sure all our names are writ on water at this point.
\begin{ally}
Come now. You wanted to be Keats when you grew up.
Come now. You wanted to be Keats when you grew up.\index{Writing!Keats}
\end{ally}
You're in a mood.
@ -354,7 +355,7 @@ Fine.
Where are you taking me?
\begin{ally}
Let {[}a{]}{[}s{]} speak for {[}a{]}{[}s{]}. Let yourself speak for yourself.
Let {[}a{]}{[}s{]} speak for {[}a{]}{[}s{]}. Let yourself speak for yourself.\index{Furry![adjective][species]}
\end{ally}
Okay.
\newpage
@ -379,12 +380,12 @@ I answered you.
\begin{ally}
Tell me your names.
\end{ally}
I am Madison. I am Maddy. I am Makyo.
I am Madison. I am Maddy. I am Makyo.\index{Furry!fursoñas!Makyo}\index{Furry!fursoñas!Maddy}
\begin{ally}
No Sarai? No Happenstance, or Younes?
\end{ally}
Sarai could die. I couldn't be her. Happenstance was a coping mechanism for gender. Younes was\ldots{}
Sarai could die. I couldn't be her. Happenstance was a coping mechanism for gender. Younes was\ldots{}\index{Furry!fursoñas!Sarai}\index{Furry!fursoñas!Happenstance}\index{Furry!fursoñas!Younes}
\begin{ally}
Tell me about Younes, then. That's where you started going before, right?
@ -399,3 +400,4 @@ No one said this project would be easy.
\end{paracol}
\resetbackgroundcolor
\renewfontfamily\pagenumfont{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=000000FF]
\index{Furry|)}

11
book/content/furry/margaras.tex
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@ -1,5 +1,6 @@
\label{furry:margaras}
\noindent Matthew didn't end when I changed my name. Matthew ended September 14th, 2012.
\index{Furry!Margaras|(}
\noindent Matthew didn't end when I changed my name. Matthew ended September 14th, 2012.\index{The Death of Matthew}
\begin{ally}
He died on the 6th. He just didn't know he was dead yet.
@ -14,6 +15,7 @@ Alright.
Watch the end of Matthew.
\newpage
\index{Journal entries|(}
\begin{hangparas}{2em}{1}
Koray arrives from the foyer.
@ -949,11 +951,12 @@ You have been logged out due to inactivity.
\% Connection to furry closed by foreign host.
\end{hangparas}
\index{Journal entries|)}
\vfill
\begin{center}
\noindent {\color[HTML]{444444} To see the process of moving on, visit {\allyFont https://ally.id/furry/margaras}}
\noindent {\color[HTML]{444444} To see the process of moving on, visit {\allyFont ally.id/furry/margaras}}
\end{center}
\newpage
@ -973,9 +976,10 @@ I know.
You hurt me.
\begin{ally}
I know. It's been seven years.
I know. It's been seven years.\index{Numinous!seven}
\end{ally}
\index{Writing!samples!poetry}
\begin{verse}
\emph{Yit'gadal v'yit'kadash sh'mei raba}\\
Would that I had the faith\\
@ -1000,3 +1004,4 @@ But it still hurts.
I know. We can continue.
\end{ally}
\newpage
\index{Furry!Margaras|)}

16
book/content/furry/younes.tex
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@ -1,8 +1,9 @@
\label{furry:younes}
\index{Furry!fursoñas!Younes|(}
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\noindent Back in 2011 and 2012, I started to really loathe being me.
\noindent Back in 2011 and 2012, I started to really loathe being me.\index{Gender}
\begin{ally}
`Started'?
@ -14,14 +15,14 @@ You started hating a lot more than that.
\end{ally}
I started hating my brain and my body. I started hating the coarseness of me. I started hating all my angles. I started hating my hair and my face and my genitals and my lies.
I was lying to JD. I was lying to work. I was lying to Tyson. I was lying to everyone who saw me online as a girl, and I was lying to everyone who saw me online as a boy. I was in a liminal place where I could tell no one the truth.
I was lying to James. I was lying to work. I was lying to Tyson. I was lying to everyone who saw me online as a girl, and I was lying to everyone who saw me online as a boy. I was in a liminal place where I could tell no one the truth.\index{Relationships!James}\index{Relationships!Tyson}
\begin{ally}
Not even yourself.
\end{ally}
Not yet, at least.
There were a few easy steps to take, of course. I saw a doctor who got me on meds.
There were a few easy steps to take, of course. I saw a doctor who got me on meds.\index{Mental health!medication}
\begin{ally}
Tell me about suicide.
@ -38,7 +39,7 @@ I started taking my own meds alongside those the doctor gave me. I started the s
\begin{ally}
Go back. Before that.
\end{ally}
Before that, I changed how I presented. I changed Makyo to be genderless. Started going by `it' pronouns. And I made Younes.
Before that, I changed how I presented. I changed Makyo to be genderless. Started going by `it' pronouns. And I made Younes.\index{Furry!fursoñas!Makyo}
Younes was a means for me to no longer lie. Or at least knock the severity of the lies down a few notches.
@ -123,14 +124,14 @@ Both, I suppose. It was a symptom of this growing unease, this feeling of being
A rangefinder camera uses a ghostly yellow image overlaid atop the real image when you look through the viewfinder. When you turn the ring of the lens to focus, that ghost slowly shifts to align with the object you want to be in focus.
\begin{ally}
Your view of yourself was slowly slipping from focus. Matthew was starting to lose coherency.
Your view of yourself was slowly slipping from focus. Matthew was starting to lose coherency.\index{The Death of Matthew}
\end{ally}
And Younes was one of the means of slowly dragging that back into focus.
It doesn't matter how right or wrong it was of me to use this tool. It does matter how wrong I was in the mechanics of the scenario.
\begin{ally}
You hid him. You covered him up and kept him from the world. You interacted with a completely different crowd, as Younes than you did as Makyo or Macchi. When that overlapped with Rikky, it was awkward.
You hid him. You covered him up and kept him from the world. You interacted with a completely different crowd, as Younes than you did as Makyo or Macchi. When that overlapped with Rikky, it was awkward.\index{Relationships!Rikoshi}\index{Furry!fursoñas!Makyo}\index{Furry!fursoñas!Macchi}
\end{ally}
It was, and not because of the altersex part. We interacted that way with Makyo as altersex, too, amd that didn't feel awkward at all. It felt like cheating to engage with the world as Younes. It felt shameful.
@ -167,9 +168,10 @@ And it cost you.
Yes. It cost me friends. It cost me sanity. It made me jerk away from the path I'd started down. Made me jerk out of focus again.
\begin{ally}
Let's talk about TIASAP.
Let's talk about TIASAP.\index{Gender!TIASAP}
\end{ally}
Yes.
\newpage
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}
\index{Furry!fursoñas!Younes|)}