Index

book/content/self-harm/self-harm.tex

@@ -1,4 +1,5 @@
 \label{selfharm:selfharm}
+\index{Mental Health!self harm}
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   \color[HTML]{dddddd}\hrule width 0.4\columnwidth

book/content/self-harm/suicide.tex

@@ -1,4 +1,5 @@
 \label{selfharm:suicide}
+\index{Mental health!suicide|(}
 \renewfontfamily\pagenumfont{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=AAAAAAFF]
 
 \backgroundcolor{c[0]}[HTML]{16161d}
@@ -27,12 +28,12 @@ Even now.
 \begin{ally}
 You wrote that disclaimer four months after the attempt itself. You copied it from some notes from back then. You even kept the Steve Eisman quote.
 \end{ally}
-Yes. Nostalgia, remember?
+Yes. Nostalgia\index{Nostalgia}, remember?
 
 \begin{ally}
 Are you nostalgic for those weighty months after you tried to kill yourself?
 \end{ally}
-If Matthew died on September of that year, then he was sick long before. This was part of his long, slow death rattle.
+If Matthew died on September of that year, then he was sick long before. This was part of his long, slow death rattle.\index{The Death of Matthew}
 
 Perhaps it's not totally accurate to say that I'm nostalgic for that time in particular, but I suppose I am nostalgic for the sense of change that permeated the air around me then. Something big was happening. Something terrible and wonderful.
 
@@ -73,7 +74,7 @@ So.
 I tried to kill myself on March 21st, 2012. It was, as the epigram said, not a big deal; it was just my big deal.
 \newpage
 
-\noindent I'll be honest, I stole the concept of \emph{thisness}, the phrase, ``See, it is doing \emph{this} now'' from a science fiction book.
+\noindent I'll be honest, I stole the concept of \emph{thisness}, the phrase, ``See, it is doing \emph{this} now'' from a science fiction book.\index{Thisness}
 
 \begin{ally}
 I honestly expected nothing less.
@@ -85,7 +86,7 @@ The biggest thing I've taken away from therapy has been an increased sense of se
 \begin{ally}
 Like this one.
 \end{ally}
-Yes. That's why I'm moving so much more slowly with it now. I have slid off the pedestal and into the slow morass of depression. I can feel it coloring my life with anhedonia.
+Yes. That's why I'm moving so much more slowly with it now. I have slid off the pedestal and into the slow morass of depression. I can feel it coloring my life with anhedonia.\index{Mental health!bipolar!depression}
 
 \begin{ally}
 Not coloring, no. Sapping the color. Not even black-and-white, but an absence. A missingness.
@@ -132,7 +133,7 @@ You brought your anxiety, but not your depression. You thought you just had anxi
 No, and there's the problem.
 \newpage
 
-\noindent When I first started therapy, I did what I thought was the right thing by bringing an open mind. It wasn't enough for me to seek help, I had to be told what was wrong with me. So anxious was I to not diagnose myself, I had to let someone do the work to pry the symptoms from me.
+\noindent When I first started therapy, I did what I thought was the right thing by bringing an open mind. It wasn't enough for me to seek help, I had to be told what was wrong with me. So anxious was I to not diagnose myself, I had to let someone do the work to pry the symptoms from me.\index{Mental health!anxiety}
 
 I didn't tell Dr Johnston that I was feeling bad. I told him my boss told me I was angry. I didn't tell him that I was depressed, I told him that James was worried about how anxious I was.
 
@@ -149,7 +150,7 @@ And all my deepest fears, all of those things I would ruminate on during a panic
 \begin{ally}
 It hurt.
 \end{ally}
-Yes. I was given a long-acting anxiolytic and a more powerful, shorter-lasting one for breakthrough anxiety. When things hurt, they calmed and soothed the pain. They removed it.
+Yes. I was given a long-acting anxiolytic and a more powerful, shorter-lasting one for breakthrough anxiety. When things hurt, they calmed and soothed the pain. They removed it.\index{Mental health!medication}
 
 \begin{ally}
 They removed a lot more than just the pain of panic.
@@ -157,7 +158,7 @@ They removed a lot more than just the pain of panic.
 Yes.
 \newpage
 
-\noindent The problem of working with clients on a task with a specified end-goal, one that is finished and about which you can say, ``ah, it does \emph{this} now'', is that when the project is done, there is nothing left.
+\noindent The problem of working with clients on a task with a specified end-goal, one that is finished and about which you can say, ``ah, it does \emph{this} now'', is that when the project is done, there is nothing left.\index{Thisness}
 
 \begin{ally}
 This is a problem with any task. This is a grander problem.
@@ -176,12 +177,12 @@ Dissociation is a hell of a drug.
 \begin{ally}
 It's a dreamy thing. It's a soft thing. It's a cottony thing. It's a muffled thing. It's watching your hands move. It's watching yourself breathe. It's feeling the air move in and out of you with a distant, slightly confused detachment. It's ``ah, it does \textbf{this} now'', except saying that about some strange machine which is not yourself.
 \end{ally}
-I watched myself sit down in my chair. I watched myself turn on \emph{Babylon 5}. I watched myself mow through two glasses of gin.
+I watched myself sit down in my chair. I watched myself turn on \emph{Babylon 5}. I watched myself mow through two glasses of gin.\index{Alcohol}\index{Mental health!dissociation}
 
 \begin{ally}
 You watched yourself with a metaphysical quirk of the eyebrow as you reached forward, grabbed the box of X-acto wood-carving tools --- purchased, doubtless, for some long forgotten project --- and flipped it open. You watched numbly as you slashed open the inside of your arm. There was a moment where you marveled at how long it took for the blood to well up, where you could see the white of subcutaneous fat.
 \end{ally}
-And then the pain snapped me to.
+And then the pain snapped me to.\index{Mental health!self harm}
 \newpage
 
 \noindent Okay, I lied. Just a little bit.
@@ -215,7 +216,7 @@ Yes.
 \begin{ally}
 You felt that slide into dissociation, felt the folding blade click into place with a vague sense of surprise, then jolted as it drew across your leg.
 \end{ally}
-Yes.
+Yes.\index{Mental health!self harm}
 
 \begin{ally}
 You felt that same jolt of humiliation and pain and anger and fear.
@@ -240,16 +241,17 @@ I really don't know.
 \begin{ally}
 Tell me what happened after.
 \end{ally}
-I started whispering James' name--
+I started whispering James' name--\index{Relationships!James}
 
 \begin{ally}
 Both times?
 \end{ally}
 Both times. I started whispering his name, then eventually swallowed the miniscule bit of pride I had left and called out loud enough to wake him up. ``Can you come help me?'' I asked. It took asking two more times before he got up. I found out later that he thought I had made a mess and just wanted help cleaning up, thinking that I should just clean up my own messes. A good point, that.
 
-Though the rest of the night in March is still sort of a blur --- I hadn't totally gotten out of the state that I was in, just woken up enough to engage with the mechanics --- I do remember James helping me to clean and bandage my arm as we sat on the floor of the bathroom, the dog occasionally wandering in and out. The whole time, I was still sobbing, blubbering out, ``I don't want to leave you, I don't want to leave Zephyr, I don't know why I did that, I'm sorry'' over and over again.
+Though the rest of the night in March is still sort of a blur --- I hadn't totally gotten out of the state that I was in, just woken up enough to engage with the mechanics --- I do remember James helping me to clean and bandage my arm as we sat on the floor of the bathroom, the dog occasionally wandering in and out. The whole time, I was still sobbing, blubbering out, ``I don't want to leave you, I don't want to leave Zephyr, I don't know why I did that, I'm sorry'' over and over again.\index{Dogs}
 \newpage
 
+\index{Journal entries}
 \noindent I'm so tired.
 
 \begin{ally}
@@ -289,6 +291,7 @@ I locked myself in the bathroom and broke down again.
 Both James and Karl checked in on me throughout the next few hours, but it was mostly spent huddled up on the cold tile of the floor feeling awful about both myself and what I'd done --- that it had any effect on those around me was just starting to hit home. I will not lie that, several times throughout the night, I wished that I had succeeded in order to not be going through what I was going through at the time. I simply couldn't stand what I'd done.
 \newpage
 
+\index{Tweets}
 \begin{quotation}
   \noindent Things are totally out of control now.
 
@@ -324,7 +327,7 @@ Where's your tweet from this time?
 \end{ally}
 
 \begin{quotation}
-\noindent As someone who went to the ER last night and got 12 stitches only to find out that insurance ended on the 30th and I haven't received my COBRA paperwork yet so we'll see how fucked I am financially: mood. https://t.co/sil5Yf2617
+\noindent As someone who went to the ER last night and got 12 stitches only to find out that insurance ended on the 30th and I haven't received my COBRA paperwork yet so we'll see how fucked I am financially: mood. https://thehardtimes.net/culture/man-without-health-insurance-just-going-to-give-it-a-few-more-days/
 
 --- @drab\_makyo October 10, 2019
 \end{quotation}
@@ -412,7 +415,7 @@ This topic, or this project?
 \end{ally}
 I don't know.
 \newpage
-
+\index{ally}
 \noindent Let's talk about something else. Please.
 
 \begin{ally}
@@ -459,3 +462,4 @@ I've just never seen any evidence to the contrary.
 \resetbackgroundcolor
 
 \renewfontfamily\pagenumfont{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=000000FF]
+\index{Mental health!suicide|)}