Index

book/content/sex/sex.tex

@@ -1,4 +1,5 @@
 \label{sex:sex}
+\index{Sex|(}
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@@ -49,7 +50,7 @@ You're getting ahead of yourself. The solutions arrived before the problem made
 \end{ally}
 I suppose so.
 
-My first sexual experiences took place over the phone and over text. Late night, parked in front of my computer with the cordless pinned between my cheek and shoulder, Danny and I masturbated together 1,800 miles apart. There was only the soft sounds of breathing, the quiet monosyllables, and the rushed reassurances that, yes, we were close, and then a shaky sigh from both of us.
+My first sexual experiences took place over the phone and over text. Late night, parked in front of my computer with the cordless pinned between my cheek and shoulder, Danny and I masturbated together 1,800 miles apart. There was only the soft sounds of breathing, the quiet monosyllables, and the rushed reassurances that, yes, we were close, and then a shaky sigh from both of us.\index{Relationships!Danny}
 
 \begin{ally}
 You can still hear his voice saying two things: ``Mattie'', his pet name for you, and the sleepy, giddy kind of ``I love you'' that comes after an orgasm when you've both stayed up far too late.
@@ -65,6 +66,7 @@ Another easy solution I latched onto was erotic roleplay. TS. Typefucking. Co-au
 
 I latched on and wouldn't let go. Still haven't. Beyond even myself, it shows up in my writing:
 
+\index{Writing!samples!fiction|(}
 \begin{quotation}
   \noindent And it was there where I found love. There where I found love and lust and romance and flings. I dated. I TSed (we were, of course, too cool to use so vulgar a word as ‘cyber’). I set up relationships for characters in our games, and I set up relationships that transcended that, two hearts touching through only those white words on a black screen.
 
@@ -78,11 +80,12 @@ I latched on and wouldn't let go. Still haven't. Beyond even myself, it shows up
 
   I’m sure we all hungered for touch.
 \end{quotation}
+\index{Writing!samples!fiction|)}
 
 \begin{ally}
 Did you?
 \end{ally}
-Did I what? Write bits of my life into furry fiction?
+Did I what? Write bits of my life into furry fiction?\index{Furry}
 
 \begin{ally}
 Hunger for touch.
@@ -96,7 +99,7 @@ Yes. The problem was that I wanted to experience arousal and climax, but not rea
 
 Even then, I'm not so sure.
 \newpage
-
+\index{Sex!asexuality|(}
 \noindent The problem was that I didn't really want sex. I loved the idea of it, loved reading and writing about it, loved ERP, loved consuming art, loved thinking about it, loved masturbating. I just didn't really love sex itself.
 
 Not for lack of trying, mind. I played around with my partners, tamping down my anxiety and squeamishness in order to try and just enjoy myself, enjoy our times together. Often, I was at least reasonably successful, too. I still have fond memories of some fun romps.
@@ -116,7 +119,7 @@ And the shame.
 Yes, there was plenty of that. The unswerving sense that I had messed up. That I was doing something wrong. That this was all so disgusting. That this baffling act of smashing meat together was somehow a positive thing, but I just couldn't see how.
 
 \begin{ally}
-You tried to cleanse yourself of that with TIASAP. You also tried going the other way. You went to the Underground parties. You gathered around you a core group of people you trusted and played with them. You worked to extract that shame from yourself so that you could live without it.
+You tried to cleanse yourself of that with TIASAP.\index{Gender!TIASAP} You also tried going the other way. You went to the Underground parties. You gathered around you a core group of people you trusted and played with them. You worked to extract that shame from yourself so that you could live without it.
 \end{ally}
 Sometimes it worked. Sometimes it was a matter of the stars aligning.
 
@@ -162,7 +165,7 @@ To then be gay, and especially then to bottom, is to turn every bit of that on i
 \begin{ally}
 The other?
 \end{ally}
-Getting raped just kind of messes you up.
+Getting raped just kind of messes you up.\index{Sex!rape}
 
 \begin{ally}
 Ah.
@@ -245,10 +248,11 @@ There was Pilot.
 \end{ally}
 We were in no way compatible.
 
+\index{Relationships!Michael|(}
 \begin{ally}
 There was Michael.
 \end{ally}
-I \emph{knew} it. I knew that was coming. I could feel you winding up to throw that in my face.
+I \emph{knew} it. I knew that was coming. I could feel you winding up to throw that in my face.\index{ally!throwing stones}
 \newpage
 
 \begin{ally}
@@ -314,7 +318,7 @@ I hate that phrase.
     \input{content/sex/rape.tex}
   \end{rightcolumn*}
   \begin{leftcolumn}
-\noindent You throw my words back at me?
+\noindent You throw my words back at me?\index{ally!throwing stones}
 
 
 \begin{ally}
@@ -326,9 +330,10 @@ Fine. Yes. Perhaps there was some aspect of \emph{doppelwunsch} to our relations
 It opened you up. ``Ah,'' you thought. ``Perhaps the reason sex doesn't work so well with guys is maybe I'm more into women.''
 \end{ally}
 That's putting it quite glibly, but perhaps in a way, yes.
+\index{Relationships!Michael|)}
 
 \begin{ally}
-So you dated Kayla.
+So you dated Kayla.\index{Relationships!Kayla}
 \end{ally}
 Yes. We even had sex a few times.
 
@@ -354,7 +359,7 @@ No.~Why do you feel it important to add that?
 \end{ally}
 Because to not do so would do a disservice to my years trying to be sexually active. They weren't bad years, and I did have some success at it.
 
-JD and I eventually got together. We had a good amount of sex. We went to the Underground parties --- orgies, really --- and had lots of fun there. Bel and I had a good amount of sex, and it was pretty good. I looked forward to seeing them, simply because the sex was pretty good, as well as because they were good friends.
+JD and I eventually got together. We had a good amount of sex. We went to the Underground parties --- orgies, really --- and had lots of fun there. Bel and I had a good amount of sex, and it was pretty good. I looked forward to seeing them, simply because the sex was pretty good, as well as because they were good friends.\index{Relationships!James|)}
 
 \begin{ally}
 So if the sex was pretty good, if you still had a lot of fun playing around with your husband, why did you stop? Why did you eventually remove your choice in the matter and chemically castrate yourself?
@@ -366,7 +371,7 @@ I resented how I shared so many wonderful and complete sexual interactions with
 \begin{ally}
 You resented that you had to take part so wholeheartedly, too. You resented that you had to stop, to do nothing but sex for so long.
 \end{ally}
-Yes. I could typefuck and read. I could typefuck and do homework. I could typefuck and browse porn. I could typefuck twice at the same time, or three times, spending time with one person on SPR and another on FurryMUCK, or hell, two people on one MUCK, one in the same room while paging another elsewhere.
+Yes. I could typefuck and read. I could typefuck and do homework. I could typefuck and browse porn. I could typefuck twice at the same time, or three times, spending time with one person on SPR and another on FurryMUCK, or hell, two people on one MUCK, one in the same room while paging another elsewhere.\index{Furry}\index{Sex!TS}
 
 Hell, I resent having to focus on a single thing even now. Even as I write this, I'm on a train with no cell signal, and I resent the fact that I have to focus just on this without the ability to tab over and, say, chat with someone.
 
@@ -384,12 +389,12 @@ Other than uncomfortable and itchy? I think that's how I described it earlier.
 \begin{ally}
 Yes.
 \end{ally}
-I guess it makes me feel anxious and confused, just in different ways. It's comfortable enough for JD and I to not have a a sexual relationship. He's still a gay guy, for the most part, so for me to have transitioned to the extent that I have means that we don't really click on a sexual level anymore.
+I guess it makes me feel anxious and confused, just in different ways. It's comfortable enough for JD and I to not have a a sexual relationship. He's still a gay guy, for the most part, so for me to have transitioned to the extent that I have means that we don't really click on a sexual level anymore.\index{Relationships!James}
 
-He's not my only partner, though. Robin is still sexual. Barac is still sexual. Colton is still sexual. I have all these sexual people in my life, and they're all people I'm attracted to and with whom I've shared sexuality in one way or another, but with whom I mostly feel disinclined to have sex with for any number of reasons.\footnote{A dream: \emph{I am getting intimate with someone and we decide to take our clothes off. I feel a wave of anxiety, and sure enough, it turns out that having had surgery was a dream and I still have a penis. Sometimes, it's not that it never happened, but that my penis has grown back. It's never shown, but strongly implied that this will be the end of the relationship.}}
+He's not my only partner, though. Robin\index{Relationships!Robin} is still sexual. Barac\index{Relationships!Barac} is still sexual. Colton is still sexual. I have all these sexual people in my life, and they're all people I'm attracted to and with whom I've shared sexuality in one way or another, but with whom I mostly feel disinclined to have sex with for any number of reasons.\footnote{A dream: \emph{I am getting intimate with someone and we decide to take our clothes off. I feel a wave of anxiety, and sure enough, it turns out that having had surgery was a dream and I still have a penis. Sometimes, it's not that it never happened, but that my penis has grown back. It's never shown, but strongly implied that this will be the end of the relationship.}}\index{Dream}
 
 \begin{ally}
-And Judith?
+And Judith?\index{Relationships!Judith}
 \end{ally}
 We had penetrative sex for the first time --- a sort of exploratory thing --- when last she visited, and shortly after, she mentioned feeling ace, herself.
 
@@ -456,11 +461,11 @@ Spell it out plainly.
 \end{ally}
 Okay.
 
-Surgery helped. Hell, transition as a whole helped. Being a girl has helped. Sure, it might be nice to be the penetrating partner, but I also dearly love being penetrated, and this has added that to my life.
+Surgery helped. Hell, transition as a whole helped. Being a girl has helped. Sure, it might be nice to be the penetrating partner, but I also dearly love being penetrated, and this has added that to my life.\index{Gender!surgery}
 
 Talking and thinking about it has helped. I spend a lot of time working on this, because even if I can't become a sexual person, becoming more comfortable with being an asexual person would be a good thing.
 
-Even kink has helped, as mentioned. As has typefucking. I've started interacting more as Makyo lately, as an explicitly transgender character, as someone so very like myself. I'll never be able to have anything other than complicated and weird trans sex as a complicated and weird trans woman, and so doing so intentionally, owning the less-than-ideal realities of my body and mind in a place where it's so easy to take part in the ideal feels like a healthy step forward.
+Even kink has helped, as mentioned. As has typefucking. I've started interacting more as Makyo lately, as an explicitly transgender character, as someone so very like myself. I'll never be able to have anything other than complicated and weird trans sex as a complicated and weird trans woman, and so doing so intentionally, owning the less-than-ideal realities of my body and mind in a place where it's so easy to take part in the ideal feels like a healthy step forward.\index{Sex!TS}
 
 \begin{ally}
 Late bloomer that you are, you're learning that all of the less-than-ideal aspects of sex are a part of the whole experience, and that you can still have fun despite them.
@@ -479,3 +484,5 @@ The only bit I'm really unhappy about is that it keeps me from making others hap
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+\index{Sex!asexuality|)}
+\index{Sex|)}