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Madison Scott-Clary
2020-02-19 17:51:11 -08:00
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3
book/content/afterword.tex
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@ -53,5 +53,6 @@ www.patreon.com/cadmiumtea}
\newpage
\end{rightcolumn}
\end{paracol}
\null\index{Catastrophically Maddy}
\pagestyle{empty}
\printindex

2
book/content/ally/004.tex
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@ -95,7 +95,7 @@ You haven't used colors in fourteen years, either.
\end{ally}
What I'm trying to say is that maybe you're back because of nostalgia\index{Nostalgia}. *Restless Town* was done and couldn't be published yet, and a prideful part of me didn't want it to be my first book, so I pulled \emph{Rum and Coke} into shape.
It rubbed my nose in the past. I published it a few weeks ago, and I wasn't done with the past, so I started archiving more data. I dug up my old hard drives. I grabbed stuff from Dreamhost, both files and database backups. I finally unlocked my LJ account and archived that.\index{Nostalgia\index{Nostalgia}}
It rubbed my nose in the past. I published it a few weeks ago, and I wasn't done with the past, so I started archiving more data. I dug up my old hard drives. I grabbed stuff from Dreamhost, both files and database backups. I finally unlocked my LJ account and archived that.
\begin{ally}
And you work at an archive.

2
book/content/ally/006.tex
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@ -11,7 +11,7 @@ No, it wasn't.
\end{ally}
Right.
When I ran away, my dad found my paper journal. I had kept it infrequently, as something about daily journaling to a seventh-grader felt dishonest, stupid. What could I possibly write about?\index{Dad!running away}
When I ran away, my dad found my paper journal. I had kept it infrequently, as something about daily journaling to a seventh-grader felt dishonest, stupid. What could I possibly write about?\index{Family!dad!running away}
In the journal, I mentioned on a few occasions that I'd had a mental breakdown. My dad called me several times over the next few days after my mom found me, and in one of those calls, he yelled at me about that. ``Do you really think you're crazy?'' he said. ``Do you need to be taken to an asylum?''

2
book/content/ally/007.tex
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@ -13,7 +13,7 @@ He got in all those relationships. He loved so hard it hurt. He dreamed of being
He fought. He enacted his cruelty in countless subtle ways. He promised himself he'd be better than his dad and failed more often than not.
He rode the same crests of hypomania and crashed just as hard after. Once, he tried to schedule his hobbies into his day so thoroughly that he forgot to schedule meals, then, having failed two weeks later, considered shooting himself in the head. Anxiety rode him just as thoroughly. Once, dead convinced that he had meningitis, he wrote a note apologizing to loved ones and left it on the bedstand.\index{Mania}
He rode the same crests of hypomania and crashed just as hard after. Once, he tried to schedule his hobbies into his day so thoroughly that he forgot to schedule meals, then, having failed two weeks later, considered shooting himself in the head. Anxiety rode him just as thoroughly. Once, dead convinced that he had meningitis, he wrote a note apologizing to loved ones and left it on the bedstand.\index{Mental health!bipolar!mania}
He was just as mercurial, too. The brewing phase--\index{Alcohol}

22
book/content/dad.tex
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@ -1,5 +1,5 @@
\label{dad}
\index{Dad|(}
\index{Family!dad|(}
\backgroundcolor{c[0]}[HTML]{cccccc}
\backgroundcolor{C[0](10000pt,10000pt)(0.6\columnsep,10000pt)}[HTML]{cccccc}
\backgroundcolor{c[1]}[HTML]{cccccc}
@ -30,7 +30,7 @@ You know now that he was actually in quite a bit of pain.
\end{ally}
Yes.
I also know that he would close out the bar that Julie worked out, drinking the whole time.\index{Julie}
I also know that he would close out the bar that Julie worked out, drinking the whole time.\index{Family!Julie}
I know that if I went with, I'd spent countless hours meandering between the corner booth in the bar and the Pac-Man and Millipede cabinets up front.
@ -71,7 +71,7 @@ What does one say to being told that your friend is self-harming? I would never
\begin{ally}
Tell me about the dress.\index{Gender}
\end{ally}
I tried on Julie's dress. I tried on her teddy. I prowled, naked, through her rack of clothing in the spare room for things to try on. I spent a lot of time naked. I spent a lot of time masturbating. I wondered if I was gay because I tried on her clothing, or I tried on her clothing because I was gay.\index{Julie}
I tried on Julie's dress. I tried on her teddy. I prowled, naked, through her rack of clothing in the spare room for things to try on. I spent a lot of time naked. I spent a lot of time masturbating. I wondered if I was gay because I tried on her clothing, or I tried on her clothing because I was gay.\index{Family!Julie}
\begin{ally}
You told your friends confidently in third grade that lesbians were just women who wanted to be men and that gay men were just men who wanted to be women.
@ -209,7 +209,7 @@ At times.
\begin{ally}
Yes.
\end{ally}
At times it was stressful. At times it felt like we were going skiing so that my dad could take some time away from home, away from Julie. At times, when Julie came with us, it would be more stressful on the slopes than it was at home.\index{Julie}
At times it was stressful. At times it felt like we were going skiing so that my dad could take some time away from home, away from Julie. At times, when Julie came with us, it would be more stressful on the slopes than it was at home.\index{Family!Julie}
And then it fell apart.
@ -246,7 +246,7 @@ You drove a fraction of an inch too close to the shoulder, your right wheel veer
Yes.
\begin{ally}
He was drunk and in pain. His shoulder again. He yelled at Julie. Told you both to let him drive in silence.\index{Julie}
He was drunk and in pain. His shoulder again. He yelled at Julie. Told you both to let him drive in silence.\index{Family!Julie}
\end{ally}
Yes.
@ -293,7 +293,7 @@ I guess.
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}
\index{Dad!running away}
\index{Family!dad!running away|(}
\includepdf{assets/static/grey--running-away-big--makyo.pdf}
\begin{paracol}{2}
@ -468,7 +468,7 @@ Literally three-quarters of a mile from my mom's house, at the time.
\end{ally}
I was left with the dilemma of basically being a fugitive. I couldn't go to my mom's house, and I could never return to my dad's. I was no longer anxious -- my brain couldn't hold that anymore -- I was simply tired and sad.
Without anywhere to go or anything to do, I made my way back up to my original goal of Crossroads and puttered around the mall for a bit. My \$1.50 wouldn't buy me anything, so I just strolled around the bookstore for a while, always a favorite spot of mine. As I headed back out to where I'd left my bike in front of the entrance, I was startled by a red Honda Civic pulling up directly in front of me. My mom had found me. She admitted immediately that she had been canvasing the bookstores in town looking for me.
Without anywhere to go or anything to do, I made my way back up to my original goal of Crossroads and puttered around the mall for a bit. My \$1.50 wouldn't buy me anything, so I just strolled around the bookstore for a while, always a favorite spot of mine. As I headed back out to where I'd left my bike in front of the entrance, I was startled by a red Honda Civic pulling up directly in front of me. My mom had found me. She admitted immediately that she had been canvasing the bookstores in town looking for me.\index{Family!mom}
\begin{ally}
Even in your current state, you were a total dork.
@ -593,6 +593,7 @@ Yes.
\begin{ally}
Dig deeper.
\end{ally}
\index{Family!dad!running away|)}
\newpage
\noindent When I was getting ready to leave bConnected, I started struggling with movements. It started as a twitchiness in the hands. It started with a wringing of the fingers. It started with a slight nod of the head. It started in so many tiny ways that I didn't really put together.\index{Mental health!movement disorders}
@ -711,6 +712,7 @@ Matthew was dead. Madison was conceived. She would be born soon.
Dig deeper.
\end{ally}
\newpage
\index{Gender|(}
\end{leftcolumn}
\begin{rightcolumn*}
\index{Letters|(}
@ -976,13 +978,13 @@ Maybe I love him.
I'm just not sure I can let my guard down around him enough to respect him.
The him who kicked me, the him who I ran away from, the him who taught me that moods were a thing for cattle and loveplay\ldots{}that him is still too near the surface. I have spent years of my life, hours and hours of therapy, I have spent thousands of dollars trying to unwind what damage he did to me. I resent that. I loathe that I hate who I used to be in part because he made me that way.
The him who kicked me, the him who I ran away from, the him who taught me that moods were a thing for cattle and loveplay\ldots{}that him is still too near the surface. I have spent years of my life, hours and hours of therapy, I have spent thousands of dollars trying to unwind what damage he did to me. I resent that. I loathe that I hate who I used to be in part because he made me that way.\index{Family!dad!running away}\index{Gender|)}
Maybe I do love him, I'm just not yet sure that I don't also hate him.
\newpage
\index{Writing!samples!poetry|(}
\index{Dogs}
\index{Dogs}\index{Family!mom}
\begin{verse}[1.01\textwidth]
There's some duality between sources of meaning,\\
\vin Between the types of stories we use to back identity.\\
@ -1034,4 +1036,4 @@ Oh, \emph{constantly}.
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}
\resetbackgroundcolor
\index{Dad|)}
\index{Family!dad|)}

2
book/content/gender/gender.tex
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@ -63,7 +63,7 @@ The time scale is not what I'm pointing at right now.
Can you point?
\begin{ally}
Are you looking at my finger, or the moon? Don't dodge this. I'm pointing at the fact that you came at gender through furry, then through self-harm, and yet this quote, this realization of ``oh, shit, I might actually be trans'', is all the way on the other side of that goofy map you make, and from there, you headed into talking about your dad.\index{Dad}
Are you looking at my finger, or the moon? Don't dodge this. I'm pointing at the fact that you came at gender through furry, then through self-harm, and yet this quote, this realization of ``oh, shit, I might actually be trans'', is all the way on the other side of that goofy map you make, and from there, you headed into talking about your dad.\index{Family!dad}
\end{ally}
So?

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book/content/jay.tex
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@ -1,5 +1,5 @@
\label{jay}
\index{Jay|(}
\index{Family!Jay|(}
\renewcommand*{\footnoterule}{%
\kern-3pt%
\color[HTML]{222288}\hrule width 0.4\columnwidth
@ -207,4 +207,4 @@ And yet you felt free.
And yet I felt free.
\newpage
\renewcommand*{\footnoterule}{\oldfootnoterule}
\index{Jay|)}
\index{Family!Jay|)}

9
book/content/liminal.tex
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@ -175,6 +175,7 @@ And so when was Madison born?
\end{ally}
On, September 2, 2014, I got this email:
\index{Letters|(}\index{Family!mom|(}\index{Gender|(}
\begin{quotation}
I recently discovered your Twitter page and I wasn't sure if I should say something or not. When I saw that you are stressing out about telling me about your name change I thought I'd better 'fess up.
@ -211,7 +212,7 @@ I'm anxious, but please come up tomorrow. I think I need that more than anything
~M
\end{quotation}
\index{Letters|)}
That's when I was born. September 4, 2014 at 3:18 PM. Madison Scott-Clary, 230 pounds, 73 inches.
\begin{ally}
@ -225,7 +226,7 @@ How was the visit?
I don't know. I don't remember. I think it was fine. We talked about me starting hormones--
\begin{ally}
Did you talk about TIASAP?
Did you talk about TIASAP?\index{Gender!TIASAP}
\end{ally}
\emph{No.}
@ -237,9 +238,10 @@ How could I possibly talk to my mom about something like that? I hid my arms and
That's not true.
\end{ally}
I\ldots{}well, no, it's not.
\index{Family!mom|)}
\newpage
\noindent Telling dad was the second time I came out to family deliberately.
\noindent Telling dad was the second time I came out to family deliberately.\index{Family!dad}
\begin{ally}
The third.
@ -359,3 +361,4 @@ It's not even about the dress.
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}
\index{Liminal|)}
\index{Gender|)}

2
book/content/movement.tex
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@ -558,7 +558,7 @@ She had a solution --- or a set of solutions --- that we could try. One medicati
\begin{ally}
And then, Thanksgiving.
\end{ally}
Yes. Thanksgiving, and my dad visiting.\index{Dad}
Yes. Thanksgiving, and my dad visiting.\index{Family!dad}
\begin{ally}
He had seen the tic before, at least.

2
book/content/poet-and-mystic.tex
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@ -312,7 +312,7 @@ So that you can disappear entirely.
\begin{ally}
Why this? Why now? Why after your dad?
\end{ally}
Why talk about ecstasy?\index{Dad}
Why talk about ecstasy?\index{Family!dad}
\begin{ally}
Yes.

14
book/content/poly.tex
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@ -5,7 +5,7 @@
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\noindent My parents put me through three divorces. My mother and father divorced when I was very young. Young to the point where I don't remember them being married. I remember finding a picture of them walking with their arms around each other's backs. Dad was shirtless and chestnut brown, hair a near-black 'fro. Mom was in a white blouse, blonde hair in a perm. It seemed so alien to me.\index{Mom}\index{Dad}
\noindent My parents put me through three divorces. My mother and father divorced when I was very young. Young to the point where I don't remember them being married. I remember finding a picture of them walking with their arms around each other's backs. Dad was shirtless and chestnut brown, hair a near-black 'fro. Mom was in a white blouse, blonde hair in a perm. It seemed so alien to me.\index{Family!mom}\index{Family!dad}
Mom and Jay got divorced when I was in my freshman year of high school. I remember being taken to a family therapy session for Jay's lingering divorce with his previous wife, but no such luck with his divorce with my mom. I just remember things getting bad after I came out, and then my mom coming downstairs to wake me one morning and inform me that we were moving out. Today. Now.
@ -51,17 +51,17 @@ Some bits weren't so easy, though. The overlap between the discussion that's inv
Are you going to provide us with a Venn Diagram? In hand-coded SVG, perhaps?
\end{ally}
\index{Maddy!Catastrophically Maddy}
\noindent\includegraphics[width=4.25in]{assets/static/healthy-sound.png}
Happy?
\begin{ally}
Very. I just wanted to ensure that you were at your very Maddy-est about this.
Very. I just wanted to ensure that you were at your very Maddy-est about this.\index{Catastrophically Maddy}
\end{ally}
When my dad divorced Julie, he told her he hadn't loved her in ten years. He told her he married her because she was easy to deal with. Quiet. Compliant. Not as smart as him. He could be right around her, which wasn't always guaranteed with mom.
Julie's friends gave her a rubber rat afterward. They had scribbled his name on it. The rat was sitting on a plaque that said \texttt{Rat\ Bastard}. The last time I saw her, she was very drunk, sagged against my side, sobbing and beating that rat against the nightstand.\index{Julie}
Julie's friends gave her a rubber rat afterward. They had scribbled his name on it. The rat was sitting on a plaque that said \texttt{Rat\ Bastard}. The last time I saw her, she was very drunk, sagged against my side, sobbing and beating that rat against the nightstand.\index{Family!Julie}
\begin{ally}
And you didn't want to be like him when you grew up? Color me surprised.
@ -200,7 +200,7 @@ Never.
The other consequence of that is that, along the way, I sufficiently distanced myself from the mechanics of my parents' relationships that I finally felt comfortable in calling that dream fulfilled. The turning point was my mom, during one of her visits back to Colorado, mentioned my relationship with Robin as something she could never do.
\begin{ally}
Are you sure it wasn't writing a Python/Javascript/SVG web app to map polycules using force-directed layouts?\index{Maddy@Catastrophically Maddy}
Are you sure it wasn't writing a Python/Javascript/SVG web app to map polycules using force-directed layouts?\index{Catastrophically Maddy}
\end{ally}
Okay, maybe it was before then.
@ -302,14 +302,14 @@ My other relationships have taken work, though.
\begin{ally}
Your other partners have spoken the same language as you. It was easier to coordinate that work. You and Barac are having to learn each other's language as you go along.\index{Relationships!Barac}
\end{ally}
Robin and I had to learn the language of poly when we were starting out together. Judith and I and Colton and I both had our own things to learn as our relationships grew.
Robin and I had to learn the language of poly when we were starting out together. Judith and I and Colton and I both had our own things to learn as our relationships grew. Justin and I had to figure out our boundaries together.\index{Relationships!Judith}\index{Relationships!Colton}\index{Relationships!Justin}
\begin{ally}
Yes, but you all spoke queer. None of you really spoke normative, a skill you're having to learn late in life.
\end{ally}
\newpage
\noindent I've been married for seven years. Robin and I have been together for more than five. My polycule has grown steadily over the years, and I have to wonder: how much of my polyamory, my relationship anarchy is a coping mechanism for how I was raised?\index{Relationships!James}\index{Relationships!Robin}
\noindent I've been married for eight years. Robin and I have been together for more than six. I've been with both Judith and Justin for more than five. My polycule has grown steadily over the years, and I have to wonder: how much of my polyamory, my relationship anarchy is a coping mechanism for how I was raised?\index{Relationships!James}\index{Relationships!Robin}\index{Relationships!Judith}\index{Relationships!Justin}
\begin{ally}
Does it matter?

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book/content/self-harm/self-harm.tex
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@ -1,5 +1,5 @@
\label{selfharm:selfharm}
\index{Mental Health!self harm}
\index{Mental health!self harm}
\renewcommand*{\footnoterule}{%
\kern-3pt%
\color[HTML]{dddddd}\hrule width 0.4\columnwidth

4
book/content/sex/kink.tex
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@ -51,9 +51,9 @@ Sexily.
\end{ally}
I suppose. It's something of a metakink. Many of the others stem from that, or from a similar core interest.
Scent-play as a means of degradation: why would a snow leopard smell of canine? Fits in nicely with knotting. Why not toss in some species denial, too; no more kitty, you say `arf' now.\index{Furry}
Scent-play as a means of degradation: why would a snow leopard smell of canine? Fits in nicely with knotting. Why not toss in some species denial, too; no more kitty, you say `arf' now. Good dog, good pet, you belong to master.\index{Relationships!Justin}\index{Furry}
Scruffing, in the context of furry, especially with felines, is a means of rendering one helpless. Coercion and weakened mental states fit as well. Those all sort of tag along with the non-consensual core kink
Scruffing, in the context of furry, especially with felines, is a means of rendering one helpless. Coercion and weakened mental states fit as well. Those all sort of tag along with the non-consensual core kink.
\begin{ally}
So, pain and blood? Breathplay?

2
book/content/sex/sex.tex
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@ -391,7 +391,7 @@ Yes.
\end{ally}
I guess it makes me feel anxious and confused, just in different ways. It's comfortable enough for JD and I to not have a a sexual relationship. He's still a gay guy, for the most part, so for me to have transitioned to the extent that I have means that we don't really click on a sexual level anymore.\index{Relationships!James}
He's not my only partner, though. Robin\index{Relationships!Robin} is still sexual. Barac\index{Relationships!Barac} is still sexual. Colton is still sexual. I have all these sexual people in my life, and they're all people I'm attracted to and with whom I've shared sexuality in one way or another, but with whom I mostly feel disinclined to have sex with for any number of reasons.\footnote{A dream: \emph{I am getting intimate with someone and we decide to take our clothes off. I feel a wave of anxiety, and sure enough, it turns out that having had surgery was a dream and I still have a penis. Sometimes, it's not that it never happened, but that my penis has grown back. It's never shown, but strongly implied that this will be the end of the relationship.}}\index{Dream}
He's not my only partner, though. Robin\index{Relationships!Robin} is still sexual. Barac\index{Relationships!Barac} is still sexual. Colton\index{Relationships!Colton} is still sexual. I have all these sexual people in my life, and they're all people I'm attracted to and with whom I've shared sexuality in one way or another, but with whom I mostly feel disinclined to have sex with for any number of reasons.\footnote{A dream: \emph{I am getting intimate with someone and we decide to take our clothes off. I feel a wave of anxiety, and sure enough, it turns out that having had surgery was a dream and I still have a penis. Sometimes, it's not that it never happened, but that my penis has grown back. It's never shown, but strongly implied that this will be the end of the relationship.}}\index{Dream}
\begin{ally}
And Judith?\index{Relationships!Judith}

2
book/content/writing/music.tex
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@ -9,7 +9,7 @@
\noindent\includegraphics[width=2in]{assets/static/miniatures/1-2.png}
\end{rightcolumn*}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\noindent I did not fall into music of my own accord, my dad bought me a saxophone.\index{Dad}
\noindent I did not fall into music of my own accord, my dad bought me a saxophone.\index{Family!dad}
\begin{ally}
As his dad bought him before you.

2
book/content/writing/writing.tex
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@ -430,7 +430,7 @@ Ah yes, your Keats phase.\index{Writing!Keats}
It was a mixture of Keats and Larry Niven, I think.
\begin{ally}
That is, like...catastrophically Madison.
That is, like...catastrophically Maddy.\index{Catastrophically Maddy}
\end{ally}
Thanks.