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Madison Scott-Clary
2020-02-19 17:51:11 -08:00
parent 54edca9bef
commit 6a17afd6a3
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book/content/dad.tex
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@ -1,5 +1,5 @@
\label{dad}
\index{Dad|(}
\index{Family!dad|(}
\backgroundcolor{c[0]}[HTML]{cccccc}
\backgroundcolor{C[0](10000pt,10000pt)(0.6\columnsep,10000pt)}[HTML]{cccccc}
\backgroundcolor{c[1]}[HTML]{cccccc}
@ -30,7 +30,7 @@ You know now that he was actually in quite a bit of pain.
\end{ally}
Yes.
I also know that he would close out the bar that Julie worked out, drinking the whole time.\index{Julie}
I also know that he would close out the bar that Julie worked out, drinking the whole time.\index{Family!Julie}
I know that if I went with, I'd spent countless hours meandering between the corner booth in the bar and the Pac-Man and Millipede cabinets up front.
@ -71,7 +71,7 @@ What does one say to being told that your friend is self-harming? I would never
\begin{ally}
Tell me about the dress.\index{Gender}
\end{ally}
I tried on Julie's dress. I tried on her teddy. I prowled, naked, through her rack of clothing in the spare room for things to try on. I spent a lot of time naked. I spent a lot of time masturbating. I wondered if I was gay because I tried on her clothing, or I tried on her clothing because I was gay.\index{Julie}
I tried on Julie's dress. I tried on her teddy. I prowled, naked, through her rack of clothing in the spare room for things to try on. I spent a lot of time naked. I spent a lot of time masturbating. I wondered if I was gay because I tried on her clothing, or I tried on her clothing because I was gay.\index{Family!Julie}
\begin{ally}
You told your friends confidently in third grade that lesbians were just women who wanted to be men and that gay men were just men who wanted to be women.
@ -209,7 +209,7 @@ At times.
\begin{ally}
Yes.
\end{ally}
At times it was stressful. At times it felt like we were going skiing so that my dad could take some time away from home, away from Julie. At times, when Julie came with us, it would be more stressful on the slopes than it was at home.\index{Julie}
At times it was stressful. At times it felt like we were going skiing so that my dad could take some time away from home, away from Julie. At times, when Julie came with us, it would be more stressful on the slopes than it was at home.\index{Family!Julie}
And then it fell apart.
@ -246,7 +246,7 @@ You drove a fraction of an inch too close to the shoulder, your right wheel veer
Yes.
\begin{ally}
He was drunk and in pain. His shoulder again. He yelled at Julie. Told you both to let him drive in silence.\index{Julie}
He was drunk and in pain. His shoulder again. He yelled at Julie. Told you both to let him drive in silence.\index{Family!Julie}
\end{ally}
Yes.
@ -293,7 +293,7 @@ I guess.
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}
\index{Dad!running away}
\index{Family!dad!running away|(}
\includepdf{assets/static/grey--running-away-big--makyo.pdf}
\begin{paracol}{2}
@ -468,7 +468,7 @@ Literally three-quarters of a mile from my mom's house, at the time.
\end{ally}
I was left with the dilemma of basically being a fugitive. I couldn't go to my mom's house, and I could never return to my dad's. I was no longer anxious -- my brain couldn't hold that anymore -- I was simply tired and sad.
Without anywhere to go or anything to do, I made my way back up to my original goal of Crossroads and puttered around the mall for a bit. My \$1.50 wouldn't buy me anything, so I just strolled around the bookstore for a while, always a favorite spot of mine. As I headed back out to where I'd left my bike in front of the entrance, I was startled by a red Honda Civic pulling up directly in front of me. My mom had found me. She admitted immediately that she had been canvasing the bookstores in town looking for me.
Without anywhere to go or anything to do, I made my way back up to my original goal of Crossroads and puttered around the mall for a bit. My \$1.50 wouldn't buy me anything, so I just strolled around the bookstore for a while, always a favorite spot of mine. As I headed back out to where I'd left my bike in front of the entrance, I was startled by a red Honda Civic pulling up directly in front of me. My mom had found me. She admitted immediately that she had been canvasing the bookstores in town looking for me.\index{Family!mom}
\begin{ally}
Even in your current state, you were a total dork.
@ -593,6 +593,7 @@ Yes.
\begin{ally}
Dig deeper.
\end{ally}
\index{Family!dad!running away|)}
\newpage
\noindent When I was getting ready to leave bConnected, I started struggling with movements. It started as a twitchiness in the hands. It started with a wringing of the fingers. It started with a slight nod of the head. It started in so many tiny ways that I didn't really put together.\index{Mental health!movement disorders}
@ -711,6 +712,7 @@ Matthew was dead. Madison was conceived. She would be born soon.
Dig deeper.
\end{ally}
\newpage
\index{Gender|(}
\end{leftcolumn}
\begin{rightcolumn*}
\index{Letters|(}
@ -976,13 +978,13 @@ Maybe I love him.
I'm just not sure I can let my guard down around him enough to respect him.
The him who kicked me, the him who I ran away from, the him who taught me that moods were a thing for cattle and loveplay\ldots{}that him is still too near the surface. I have spent years of my life, hours and hours of therapy, I have spent thousands of dollars trying to unwind what damage he did to me. I resent that. I loathe that I hate who I used to be in part because he made me that way.
The him who kicked me, the him who I ran away from, the him who taught me that moods were a thing for cattle and loveplay\ldots{}that him is still too near the surface. I have spent years of my life, hours and hours of therapy, I have spent thousands of dollars trying to unwind what damage he did to me. I resent that. I loathe that I hate who I used to be in part because he made me that way.\index{Family!dad!running away}\index{Gender|)}
Maybe I do love him, I'm just not yet sure that I don't also hate him.
\newpage
\index{Writing!samples!poetry|(}
\index{Dogs}
\index{Dogs}\index{Family!mom}
\begin{verse}[1.01\textwidth]
There's some duality between sources of meaning,\\
\vin Between the types of stories we use to back identity.\\
@ -1034,4 +1036,4 @@ Oh, \emph{constantly}.
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}
\resetbackgroundcolor
\index{Dad|)}
\index{Family!dad|)}