more poly

content/core/003.md

@@ -36,9 +36,13 @@ So you showed up after high school. You showed up after life slid sideways throu
 
 > Oh?
 
-Yeah. June 2004. There you are. I say, "The navy blue I've been seeing at waist level in front of me and to my left is contentment. I'm not entirely sure that it being omnipresent is a good thing, however, considering the colors it's mixed with. Am I really content with longing and hopelessness? It's not out of the question, I suppose that it could just be another aspect of my personality. But that just brings up the question of whether or not it's something I ingrained into myself through habit, something where I just kinda accepted that feeling such things is normal, okay, and what I want; or is it something I was born with, or that we're all born with? Is it a side effect of love, expecting impossible desires and the blind hopelessness that follows the end of a four year undertaking?"
+Yeah. June 2004. There you are. I say,
 
-And you say...?
+```
+The navy blue I've been seeing at waist level in front of me and to my left is contentment. I'm not entirely sure that it being omnipresent is a good thing, however, considering the colors it's mixed with. Am I really content with longing and hopelessness? It's not out of the question, I suppose that it could just be another aspect of my personality. But that just brings up the question of whether or not it's something I ingrained into myself through habit, something where I just kinda accepted that feeling such things is normal, okay, and what I want; or is it something I was born with, or that we're all born with? Is it a side effect of love, expecting impossible desires and the blind hopelessness that follows the end of a four year undertaking?
+```
+
+And you replied...?
 
 > You're rambling.
 

content/core/011.md

@@ -25,7 +25,7 @@ Stop trying to get me to talk about mania.
 
 At first, I was proud of my relationships. Then I was embarrassed. There were so many, all in a line. One would trickle into existence with, as I put it, `light, in through the head, out through the heart`. We'd be perfect, until we weren't. Everything would be delightful, until it wasn't. It's the way of early relationships, I suppose. You fall for someone, and you can't quite pick apart the difference between love and lust.
 
-I just went through so many that I started feeling a bit weird about it. How do I talk about the Danny-Merlin-Andrew-Michael-Andy-Rikky-Tyson-Andrew(again) progression? And how do I talk about Lon? Or what JD and I were at the beginning?
+I just went through so many that I started feeling a bit weird about it. How do I talk about the Danny-Merlin-Andrew-Michael-Andy-Rikky-Kayla-Tyson-Andrew(again) progression? And how do I talk about Lon? Or what JD and I were at the beginning?
 
 > Doubtless with the same lilac-scented words you talk about everything.
 
@@ -61,4 +61,4 @@ Hey, I said some bits weren't as easy. He left me with a lot of him in me.
 
 I pay for his past as well as mine.
 
-So, when Moondog mentioned that she wanted to go on a date with someone else while we were together, well, it touched a nerve.
+So, when Michael mentioned that she wanted to go on a date with someone else while we were together, well, it touched a nerve.

content/core/012.md

@@ -0,0 +1,76 @@
+---
+date: 2018-08-13
+weight: 12
+---
+
+> I suppose you also searched your archives for poly.
+
+You know me so well.
+
+> Of course.
+
+The first mention on LiveJournal was April 6th, 2004.
+
+```
+Of the interesting topics that popped up, that of polygamy stuck with me the most.  Michael has a date with another on Thursday and, while this brought up issues with Merlin and Atrius, all I can say right now to Michael is that I wish him the best of luck.  It just feels like it would actually /work/ in his case.  As to how it pertains to me, I'm not sure if my mind could handle having two mates.  Granted I still have a thing for Kory (hah, good luck with that) and a few others, I just don't think I could find another who a) would be willing to have that sort of relationship with me and b) I could have that sort of relationship with.  Ah well.  Something to think about.
+```
+
+> Never one to have a high opinion of yourself.
+
+That's hindsight talking.
+
+> You literally just got out of a therapy session where you talked about how you don't believe you deserve a better job.
+
+Touché.
+
+Michael and I's relationship was rocky, tumultuous. We met through a queer group and from there wound up in a weird, heated romance that danced around sex, gender, mental health, everything. We fought, we made up. We got annoying. We made out a lot, we had sex, though with each of our individual hangups around sex, it was rarely penetrative.
+
+> It was penetrative once.
+
+That's rare, isn't it?
+
+> Vanishingly.
+
+Listen, we were both trans. The subject was complex.
+
+> You were a cis gay guy. You told me that. You were unsure of vaginas.
+
+It started that way, I suppose. I learned.
+
+> Then you bought one for yourself.
+
+Listen.
+
+> Yes?
+
+There were bits of sexuality that didn't work for me when I was bepenised. A lot of those make sense in a transgender context. Matthew was still a gay guy, but the Ship-of-Theseusizing was already beginning.
+
+> 'Bepenised'? 'Ship-of-Theseusizing'?
+
+You verbed it first.
+
+> We've gotten off track.
+
+Right.
+
+In two previous relationships, poly had come up, and neither time, it had worked. With Merlin and Atrius, I had immediately jumped to jealousy. I felt as though I was being set aside.
+
+> Never one to have a high opinion of yourself.
+
+It didn't last. That was part of the breaking point. Similarly with Andrew and Ryn. I've heard it said that jealousy is a sign that one's needs are not being met.
+
+> What did you need that you weren't getting?
+
+I thought it was someone to myself.
+
+> You couldn't own yourself, maybe you could own someone else.
+
+That hurts to hear.
+
+> Is it wrong?
+
+I don't know. Maybe it isn't. Maybe I wanted to keep someone. To possess them. Maybe it was a reaction to being owned.
+
+> Let's talk about kink.
+
+Let's fucking not.

content/core/013.md

@@ -0,0 +1,42 @@
+---
+date: 2019-08-13
+weight: 13
+---
+
+I won't repost them, because they're direct logs, shortly after the conversation mentioned before, the issue of Michael bringing another partner to the queer group we were a part of came up. How would we work a situation where I, coming from a monogamous point of view, would be in the same room with my partner and metamour? Would we split our time? Would one of us get ignored while the other got attention? Would we both get attention? Would we just plain avoid it?
+
+> It's surreal, even for me, to hear you talk about this today, given your [current situation](https://makyo.io/polycute-old).
+
+Suppose that the young man, Matthew, is in a monogamous relationship with someone. As the years go by the relationship begins to change, fades, and is replaced by a new one, more open than the last. After a decade or so, all of the parts have been replaced and Matthew, now Madison, is in a polycule the size of Rhode Island. Is Madison still the same person as Matthew?
+
+> That's a bit heavy-handed.
+
+You can't start the metaphor train a-rollin' and then expect it to stop on a dime.
+
+> I'll own that.
+
+I met JD in 2005, and met Robin in 2012. By 2013, I was in a relationship with both, and we were sharing dinner, along with Robin's partner, at a convention. It was natural. Comfortable. It was fun.
+
+And now, I'm in relationships of various sorts with a half dozen people. The changes between then were so incremental, and discussed so thoroughly, that it really does feel Ship of Theseish.
+
+> Stop.
+
+Never.
+
+The other consequence of that is that, along the way, I sufficiently distanced myself from the mechanics of my parents' relationships that I finally felt comfortable in calling that dream fulfilled. The turning point was my mom, during one of her visits back to Colorado, mentioned my relationship with Robin as something she could never do.
+
+> Are you sure it wasn't writing a Python/Javascript/SVG web app to map polycules using force-directed layouts?
+
+Okay, maybe it was before then.
+
+> And score a point to the ally.
+
+I didn't feel better than my mom when she said that, of course. Her relationships matured well over time, I think. She and Bob got better at communicating and expressing their needs. And even if they hadn't, the love she had for all of her partners was no less valid for being monogamous.
+
+> Could you say the same of your dad, had he said that to you?
+
+I don't know.
+
+> Probably not.
+
+Yeah, probably not.