suicide

content/self-harm/suicide/004.md

@@ -0,0 +1,24 @@
+---
+date: 2019-10-04
+weight: 4
+---
+
+When I first started therapy, I did what I thought was the right thing by bringing an open mind. It wasn't enough for me to seek help, I had to be told what was wrong with me. So anxious was I to not diagnose myself, I had to let someone do the work to pry the symptoms from me.
+
+I didn't tell Dr Johnston that I was feeling bad. I told him my boss told me I was angry. I didn't tell him that I was depressed, I told him that James was worried about how anxious I was.
+
+> And so you got treated for anxiety.
+
+And so I got treated for anxiety. I was given clonazepam to take daily and lorazepam for breakthrough anxiety.
+
+> You have always had issues with control. You always needed to be on top of a situation.
+
+And all my deepest fears, all of those things I would ruminate on during a panic attack, would surround the fact that I wasn't in control of a situation, yes. It made sense to treat the anxiety.
+
+> It hurt.
+
+Yes. I was given a long-acting anxiolytic and a more powerful, shorter-lasting one for breakthrough anxiety. When things hurt, they calmed and soothed the pain. They removed it.
+
+> They removed a lot more than just the pain of panic.
+
+Yes.