suicide

content/self-harm/suicide/006.md

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+---
+date: 2019-10-08
+weight: 6
+---
+
+Okay, I lied. Just a little bit.
+
+> Yes. You didn't dissociate through the entire thing. There was no small part of that scene that was horribly, terrfyingly intentional.
+
+What really woke me up was watching this person-who-was-me somehow go into 'fuck it' mode and tear the shit out of his right arm from one end to the other with a very sharp, very new razor blade.
+
+It was like the rush of coming to your senses after a nightmare, the pulling forward and the re-anchoring, the flood of adrenaline in preparation for flight.
+
+It wasn't necessarily the cut that woke me. It was the second or so before when I entered that 'fuck it' mode, and I was too slow, too confused and frightened to stop this person-who-was-me from pulling the ultimate embarrassing act: trying to commit suicide while watching a dumb '90s science fiction show.
+
+> It was a slow awakening. You weren't just too slow, you were not fully awake yet. The dream of dissociation was still clinging, gauzy, to you.
+
+<div class="verse">V
+I do not know which to prefer,
+The beauty of inflections
+Or the beauty of innuendoes,
+The blackbird whistling
+Or just after.</div>