Organization, further graphics
This commit is contained in:
Madison Scott-Clary
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What if I tried to write a memoir?
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\noindent What if I tried to write a memoir?
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Like.
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\vfill
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I'm not ready to share this yet.
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\noindent I'm not ready to share this yet.
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\begin{ally}
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But you want to save it?
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When 2007 rolled around, I turned 21. \emph{What if,} I thought to myself. \emph{What if I decided to see what it feels like to be addicted to something?}
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\noindent When 2007 rolled around, I turned 21. \emph{What if,} I thought to myself. \emph{What if I decided to see what it feels like to be addicted to something?}
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By that point, alcohol was this nebulous thing. I'd roped a few people into getting me alcohol now and then, and it was fine. I'd started brewing and it was whatever. I had beer and it was alright. I went through a mead phase--
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When I was young, back before I knew what mental health entailed, what anxiety and abuse and depression really meant, I was convinced I was having semi-regular mental breakdowns. That was the phrase I used then, because I was unsure of what it meant to have a panic attack.
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\noindent When I was young, back before I knew what mental health entailed, what anxiety and abuse and depression really meant, I was convinced I was having semi-regular mental breakdowns. That was the phrase I used then, because I was unsure of what it meant to have a panic attack.
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This was before LiveJournal, of course. This was before I was writing on the internet, or even really on the internet at all. This was before you.
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I think of myself as a trans woman, not a woman. I think of past me as male, not female. To an extent, I think of past me as cisgender. I was a guy. I was that gay guy who tumbled out the other side of puberty and was left to figure out what the fuck. I am not who I was.
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\noindent I think of myself as a trans woman, not a woman. I think of past me as male, not female. To an extent, I think of past me as cisgender. I was a guy. I was that gay guy who tumbled out the other side of puberty and was left to figure out what the fuck. I am not who I was.
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\begin{ally}
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You have ship-of-Theseus'd yourself into what you are.
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July 2nd, 2004, shortly after midnight.
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\begin{quotation}
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\end{leftcolumn}
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\begin{rightcolumn*}
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\emph{July 2nd, 2004, shortly after midnight}
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\end{rightcolumn*}
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\begin{leftcolumn}
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My emotions are gaining distinct colors, like a kind of twisted synaesthesia. There's definitely a sense of physical location associated with each emotion, and it's not always internal. There may also be a tactile part to this, but I have yet to experience it in any different places or with any different touches, so it may just be one continuous headache that goes latent occasionally.
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An example: when pondering ****, a luminescent fuschia color that seems to be flowing in the right hemisphere of my brain; when thinking of ******* and snuggling, a warm, earthy brown with a little bit of green in a pine-needle-ish pattern about a foot and a half in front of me and slightly to the left; tiredness is off-white everywhere and blind hopelessness is bright blue wrapped around my mind. The headache moves around, but it's mostly at the lower, back, right side of my head. Ibuprofin works well.
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This isn't what I meant when I was talking about beautiful pain.
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Current mood: Bright blue with a tinge of purple, but mostly off white and hazy.
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\end{quotation}
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\end{leftcolumn}
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\end{paracol}
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\newpage
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\begin{paracol}{2}
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\begin{leftcolumn}
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\null
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\vfill
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\begin{rightcolumn*}
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July 3rd, 2004, shortly after midnight.
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\begin{quotation}
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\end{rightcolumn*}
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\begin{leftcolumn}
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Greens covering my chest and shoulders warmly are happiness.
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\end{quotation}
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\vfill
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\end{leftcolumn}
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\end{paracol}
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I took a sleep aid. I'm not getting into this now. I was all prepped to write about poly stuff, but you started banging on the door.
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Read what I've already written. % birds
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\newpage
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\input{content/birds.tex}
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\begin{ally}
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I was there when you wrote those.
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The first time I remember thinking about polyamory--
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\noindent The first time I remember thinking about polyamory--
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\begin{ally}
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And here I was hoping you'd cave and talk more about mania.
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\null
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\vfill
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Can we talk about something else? Please?
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\noindent Can we talk about something else? Please?
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\begin{ally}
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Something lighter?
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\null
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\vfill
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And so we find ourselves in a place between.
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\noindent And so we find ourselves in a place between.
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\vfill
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\newpage
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Let's talk about writing.
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\noindent Let's talk about writing.
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\begin{ally}
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If you'd like. We still have a few others on the list, don't forget.
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\begin{ally}
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You are unsettled in your identity.\\
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Boy → enby → girl → trans woman.\\
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Biochemist → musician → programmer → writer.\\
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Gay → bi → ace → pan.\\
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Mono → poly.
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Boy $\rightarrow$ enby $\rightarrow$ girl $\rightarrow$ trans woman.\\
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Biochemist $\rightarrow$ musician $\rightarrow$ programmer $\rightarrow$ writer.\\
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Gay $\rightarrow$ bi $\rightarrow$ ace $\rightarrow$ pan.\\
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Mono $\rightarrow$ poly.
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\end{ally}
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People change.
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\begin{ally}
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Healthy → sick → broken → sick → improving.
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Healthy $\rightarrow$ sick $\rightarrow$ broken $\rightarrow$ sick $\rightarrow$ improving.
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\end{ally}
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Like I said, people change.
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The tragic core to all this, to this whole project, is that I am not an interesting person. Or maybe interesting, but unremarkable.
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\noindent The tragic core to all this, to this whole project, is that I am not an interesting person. Or maybe interesting, but unremarkable.
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\begin{ally}
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You're in a mood.
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My turn.
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\noindent My turn.
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\begin{ally}
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Shoot.
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Have you gotten that out of your system?
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\noindent Have you gotten that out of your system?
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\begin{ally}
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Have you?
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Do you hate me?
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\noindent Do you hate me?
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\begin{ally}
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Not my department.
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Apophenia
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\noindent Apophenia
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\begin{ally}
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What?
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I'm sorry this is taking so long.
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\noindent I'm sorry this is taking so long.
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\begin{ally}
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To whom are you apologizing?
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