diff --git a/content/gender/surgery/02.html b/content/gender/surgery/02.html index 6035c14..abf33b6 100644 --- a/content/gender/surgery/02.html +++ b/content/gender/surgery/02.html @@ -1,6 +1,7 @@ --- date: 2019-12-21 weight: 2 +fit: true ---
It is surprisingly hard to think something real @@ -15,7 +16,7 @@ that mean the most to us? What prevents them from taking the unimportant? The small? Is the import just to big? Can we not fit all of the thing in our heads? Are we too weak? -Is the life-changing too fast to explore, to seek +Is the life-changing too vast to explore, to seek out every corner?
Have you considered that your constant seeking may be the problem? That your anxieties leaking @@ -39,7 +40,46 @@ of my bottomless shallowness. more than any cough or cold, more than your chorea, it provided you with a problem. Something fixable. It gave you a tangible solution to something integral -that plagued you.
+that plagued you. +That I had something I could concrete at which to point +that would be fixed by this act, I could thus annoint +it as somehow more worthy, something worth doing. +If I could go through some process of ungluing, +excise this thing from myself I might become whole +in some way never before imagined. +                Ah, but the toll. +There must always some arbitrary price to pay --- +Self-actualization must never be free --- and hey, +Everything in society must come with a reason. +To come up with letters, proof, for that season +of change must serve some sort of divine end. +To wait eighteen long months, to refuse to bend +to others' whims... +
You got your letters, you got your date, you did it. +You did your labor, you did your time. They let you fidget +and twist in the wind. Hell, they did it to you twice. +Your letters only good for one year, you had to ask nice +for a second set.
+Yes. +   To preempt your 'why', I followed my own advice: +If I feel the same when I'm depressed as I do when I feel nice, +It's a thing worth doing. Eighteen months is time enough +to let at least two depressive cycles call my own bluff. +When they did not, when I panicked at having to reapply +and still pulled through in time, well, no need to justify +my actions any further. That's when it all became real. +That's when I was in. That's when I could tell just by feel +that I was ready for this change. I wasn't ready ready, +but I was ready enough to come off as rock steady +when I called the surgeon's office. I was visibly confident, +even at the pre-operative appointments, totally cognizant +that I didn't deserve this. +
Whether or not you deserve this is not up for debate. +Not because you do or don't so much as because the hand fate +dealt you. You had the job, you had the insurance, the means. +You made the call. You took the step. You passed the screens. +You did this.
+