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Madison Scott-Clary
2020-02-18 18:31:35 -08:00
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2
book/content/ally/005.tex
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@ -51,7 +51,7 @@ I drank hard with the choir, and then I left school and drank hard with the prog
I did some work at a bar, even. Just making their menu and website for them in exchange for free drinks.
\begin{ally}
You mastered \LaTeX that way. A very you thing to do.
You mastered \LaTeX\ that way. A very you thing to do.
\end{ally}
I did well at it. I still have one of the menus and some of the paper laying around somewhere. I did that until the bartender left and, when I asked for my next payment from the owner, he flipped out at me and threatened to sue me for impersonating him. I don't think I realized Raffi, the bar manager who hired me, was already on his way out.

36
book/content/ally/008.tex
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@ -1,10 +1,12 @@
\label{ally:8}
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{rightcolumn*}
\emph{July 2nd, 2004, shortly after midnight}
\begin{flushright}
\emph{July 2nd, 2004, shortly after midnight}
\end{flushright}
\end{rightcolumn*}
\begin{leftcolumn}
My emotions are gaining distinct colors, like a kind of twisted synaesthesia. There's definitely a sense of physical location associated with each emotion, and it's not always internal. There may also be a tactile part to this, but I have yet to experience it in any different places or with any different touches, so it may just be one continuous headache that goes latent occasionally.
\noindent My emotions are gaining distinct colors, like a kind of twisted synaesthesia. There's definitely a sense of physical location associated with each emotion, and it's not always internal. There may also be a tactile part to this, but I have yet to experience it in any different places or with any different touches, so it may just be one continuous headache that goes latent occasionally.
An example: when pondering ****, a luminescent fuschia color that seems to be flowing in the right hemisphere of my brain; when thinking of ******* and snuggling, a warm, earthy brown with a little bit of green in a pine-needle-ish pattern about a foot and a half in front of me and slightly to the left; tiredness is off-white everywhere and blind hopelessness is bright blue wrapped around my mind. The headache moves around, but it's mostly at the lower, back, right side of my head. Ibuprofin works well.
@ -19,10 +21,12 @@ Current mood: Bright blue with a tinge of purple, but mostly off white and hazy.
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{rightcolumn*}
July 3rd, 2004, shortly after midnight.
\begin{flushright}
\emph{July 3rd, 2004, shortly after midnight}
\end{flushright}
\end{rightcolumn*}
\begin{leftcolumn}
Greens covering my chest and shoulders warmly are happiness.
\noindent Greens covering my chest and shoulders warmly are happiness.
\vfill
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}
@ -37,14 +41,13 @@ And that's when I showed up, yes?
Yeah, later that day.
\begin{quotation}
The navy blue I've been seeing at waist level in front of me and to my left is contentment. I'm not entirely sure that it being omnipresent is a good thing, however, considering the colors it's mixed with. Am I really content with longing and hopelessness? It's not out of the question, I suppose that it could just be another aspect of my personality. But that just brings up the question of whether or not it's something I ingrained into myself through habit, something where I just kinda accepted that feeling such things is normal, okay, and what I want; or is it something I was born with, or that we're all born with? Is it a side effect of love, expecting impossible desires and the blind hopelessness that follows the end of a four year undertaking?
\noindent The navy blue I've been seeing at waist level in front of me and to my left is contentment. I'm not entirely sure that it being omnipresent is a good thing, however, considering the colors it's mixed with. Am I really content with longing and hopelessness? It's not out of the question, I suppose that it could just be another aspect of my personality. But that just brings up the question of whether or not it's something I ingrained into myself through habit, something where I just kinda accepted that feeling such things is normal, okay, and what I want; or is it something I was born with, or that we're all born with? Is it a side effect of love, expecting impossible desires and the blind hopelessness that follows the end of a four year undertaking?
\begin{ally}
Whatever, you're rambling.
\end{ally}
Guilty, conspirator.
\end{quotation}
\newpage
\begin{ally}
@ -53,9 +56,7 @@ And these pictures?
All from years later. The color thing comes and goes, like you.
\end{leftcolumn}
\begin{rightcolumn*}
\begin{flushright}
\emph{April 8, 2004}
\end{flushright}
\end{rightcolumn*}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\begin{verse}
@ -87,7 +88,7 @@ Off\\
It soothes.
\end{verse}
Sometimes I'm overcome by the numinous. Sometimes it's colors, sometimes it's you, sometimes it's a silence swelling within my chest, stealing breath.
\noindent Sometimes I'm overcome by the numinous. Sometimes it's colors, sometimes it's you, sometimes it's a silence swelling within my chest, stealing breath.
\begin{ally}
He would be riding on the subway or writing formulas on the blackboard or having a meal or (as now) sitting and talking to someone across a table, and it would envelop him like a soundless tsunami.
@ -104,7 +105,7 @@ Is it wrong?
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
I'll take a picture, lasso a color, and desaturate everything else. Sometimes, it's fun. I do it to Falcon's eyes a lot because they're so pretty.
\noindent I'll take a picture, lasso a color, and desaturate everything else. Sometimes, it's fun. I do it to Falcon's eyes a lot because they're so pretty.
\begin{ally}
And sometimes it's something more.
@ -121,16 +122,17 @@ Yeah. Sometimes it's a compulsion. Sometimes a picture will latch onto me and ne
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
Sometimes I'll blow out the background because the foreground is so completely overwhelming.
\noindent Sometimes I'll blow out the background because the foreground is so completely overwhelming.
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}
\includepdf{assets/static/color/bw3.pdf}
\null
\vfill
Sometimes I'll skew colors all in one direction.
\vfill
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\noindent Sometimes I'll skew colors all in one direction.
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}
\includepdf{assets/static/color/window_view.pdf}
@ -148,7 +150,7 @@ Sometimes I'll skew colors all in one direction.
\end{quote}
\end{rightcolumn}
\begin{leftcolumn}
It's not an artistic decision. Not \emph{just}, at least. It's always something more.
\noindent It's not an artistic decision. Not \emph{just}, at least. It's always something more.
\begin{verse}
Inter ĝuo kaj timo\\
@ -172,7 +174,7 @@ Incontestible,\\
Unmoving and always changing.
\end{verse}
A sigil need not just be lines and curves.
\noindent A sigil need not just be lines and curves.
\begin{ally}
Or maybe it's just mania.

1
book/content/ally/009.tex
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@ -29,7 +29,6 @@ Later.
I took a sleep aid. I'm not getting into this now. I was all prepped to write about poly stuff, but you started banging on the door.
Read what I've already written.
\newpage
\input{content/birds.tex}

7
book/content/ally/012.tex
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@ -7,8 +7,13 @@
\begin{ally}
Thank you.
\end{ally}
Can we talk about something else? Please?
\begin{ally}
Something lighter?
\end{ally}
Something softer.
\vfill
\newpage
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}

36
book/content/ally/029.tex
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@ -2,49 +2,49 @@
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\begin{quote}
\begin{ally}
Where did you go?
\end{quote}
\end{ally}
I was still here.
\begin{quote}
\begin{ally}
Were you?
\end{quote}
\end{ally}
I was still at my computer. Still writing. I was still here?
\begin{quote}
\begin{ally}
You'll have to forgive me for saying that I don't quite believe you.
\end{quote}
\end{ally}
Why wouldn't you? You're here with me, aren't you?
\begin{quote}
\begin{ally}
Was I? It was like looking through cling wrap. It was like looking through melted glass.
\end{quote}
\end{ally}
What do you mean?
\begin{quote}
\begin{ally}
Well, you were there. I could see you at your computer. You were there, but it wasn't \textbf{you}. There was a Madison-shape sitting with a laptop on the couch, petting the dogs, feeding the cat, listening to music, but it wasn't you.
\end{quote}
\end{ally}
I was busy, perhaps. \emph{Restless Town} came out, that stole a lot of my time.
\begin{quote}
\begin{ally}
When was the last time you filed an invoice at work?
\end{quote}
\end{ally}
Two\ldots{}weeks ago. I think? Damn. Was I really gone that long?
\begin{quote}
\begin{ally}
Longer. Do you remember what you did the week before that?
\end{quote}
\end{ally}
Worked, doubtless.
\begin{quote}
\begin{ally}
Did you? Have you talked with work about that?
\end{quote}
\end{ally}
Ah.
\begin{quote}
\begin{ally}
Let's talk about burnout, shall we?
\end{quote}
\end{ally}
We probably better had.
\newpage
\end{leftcolumn}

3
book/content/ally/031.tex
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@ -50,7 +50,7 @@ Shall I throw your words in your face?
\begin{ally}
By all means.
\end{ally}
``Am I something to be bought and sold? Am I something to be traded and marketed?''\footnote{https://ally.id/aside/2}
\emph{Am I something to be bought and sold? Am I something to be traded and marketed?}\footnote{https://ally.id/aside/2}
\begin{ally}
Have you answered the question? \textbf{Am} I something to be bought and sold? Me, here, being a part of yourself.
@ -66,5 +66,6 @@ That said, I can't stop. I can't not make more things. I can't not write. If I h
\begin{ally}
See? Not my department.
\end{ally}
\newpage
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}

3
book/content/birds.tex
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@ -1,4 +1,5 @@
\label{birds}
\newpage
\end{leftcolumn}
\begin{rightcolumn*}
\begin{flushright}
@ -42,9 +43,7 @@ That's why I'm torn.
\end{leftcolumn}
\begin{rightcolumn*}
\begin{flushright}
\emph{February 13, 2014}
\end{flushright}
\end{rightcolumn*}
\begin{leftcolumn}

16
book/content/dad.tex
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@ -11,7 +11,7 @@
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
It's not about the dress.
\noindent It's not about the dress.
It's about that whole point in my life. It's about the way home ways. It's about the way I was left to my own devices. Every kid's dream, right?
@ -291,6 +291,8 @@ Maybe. Will you?
\end{ally}
I guess.
\newpage
\null
\newpage
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}
@ -637,7 +639,7 @@ For our purposes here, yes, it did.
\begin{ally}
`Our'?
\end{ally}
Listen. When your body rebels and tries to shake your brain out through your ears and dislodge your eyes, when your friend dies in a car crash and you only find out about it a week later, when you start a brand new job and fly all the way across the country, getting stuck in London along the way, time stops making a whole lot of sense. At some point, I had the tic, and it stayed.
Listen. When your body rebels and tries to shake your brain out through your ears and dislodge your eyes, when your friend dies in a car crash and you only find out about it a week later, when you start a brand new job and fly all the way across the country, then halfway around the world, getting stuck in London along the way, time stops making a whole lot of sense. At some point, I had the tic, and it stayed.
\begin{ally}
Touchy tonight, aren't we?
@ -716,7 +718,7 @@ Dig deeper.
\end{rightcolumn*}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\begin{quotation}
Hey Matt
\noindent Hey Matt
Been a while since I've heard from you. You guys get all settled in the new house? Need to get together and catch up. Still have that gun for your collection.
@ -735,7 +737,7 @@ No indeed.
Three and a half hours later, my reply:
\begin{quotation}
Hey dad,
\noindent Hey dad,
Things are going fine at the house, though things are always more expensive than they first seem. We got the old house rented out, though, and that really helps; the mortgage on that is about \$650, and it's renting for \$1550, so the extra cash really helps with the new place. Other than finances though, it's going really well. Loveland's kind of a desert for restaurants and things to do, but we've got enough to keep us occupied at the house.
@ -829,7 +831,7 @@ Oh come now.
It's not that bad.
\begin{ally}
You have four footnotes
You have five footnotes
\end{ally}
Okay, maybe it's a little bad.
@ -858,7 +860,7 @@ What was his reply?
Four days later.
\begin{quotation}
Hey Madison
\noindent Hey Madison
First things first. Congratulation on that vacation. They seem to be hard to come by lately. I know Maurine doesn't consider going to Tucson a vacation any more. We do love San Fran. Maybe a trip this spring. Playing a lot of deadline games this fall and pretty much have been stuck here in the office. Can't bitch. It pays for retirement (whatever that'll be).
@ -967,7 +969,7 @@ He could have started to see you as his daughter. You could have told him about
Maybe. But at this point, it's too many 'maybe's. I'm too tired to deal with something so important with someone I'm not even sure I respect.
\begin{ally}
It's okay not to respect them him that he was around Matthew. What about the him that's around Madison? What about the him that went and sought out therapy? What about the him who said, quietly, ``I was a real asshole. I'm starting to realize that now.''? Is that him not worth loving?
It's okay not to respect the him that he was around Matthew. What about the him that's around Madison? What about the him that went and sought out therapy? What about the him who said, quietly, ``I was a real asshole. I'm starting to realize that now.''? Is that him not worth loving?
\end{ally}
Maybe I love him.

34
book/content/from-within.tex
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@ -207,6 +207,8 @@ Having experienced it from the outside, and having experienced the world sliding
And\ldots{}
\newpage
\null
\newpage
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}
@ -234,16 +236,30 @@ Finally.
\end{ally}
There's this rush.
This wild-nights-wild-nights rush.
\vspace{2\baselineskip}
There's this lack of foresight.
\noindent This wild-nights-wild-nights rush.
There's this thinking of the goal instead of the path.
\vspace{3\baselineskip}
There's this tinny scent to the air. There's this burning, burning sensation, burning. There's this pleasant static.
\noindent There's this lack of foresight.
And\ldots{}
\vspace{4\baselineskip}
\noindent There's this thinking of the goal instead of the path.
\vspace{5\baselineskip}
\noindent There's this tinny scent to the air. There's this burning, burning sensation, burning. There's this pleasant static.
\vfill
\begin{flushright}
And\ldots{}
\end{flushright}
\newpage
\null
\newpage
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}
@ -263,6 +279,8 @@ And\ldots{}
% background: "#082010"
% color: '#aba'
% quote: '#cdc'
\null
\vfill
\begin{ally}
And?
@ -282,6 +300,10 @@ And if I stop, I'll surely die.
\begin{ally}
And?
\end{ally}
\vfill
\newpage
\null
\newpage
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}
@ -299,6 +321,8 @@ And?
% background: "#001a06"
% color: '#aba'
% quote: '#cdc'
\null
\vfill
\noindent I'm hypomanic now.

21
book/content/furry/furry.tex
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@ -1,4 +1,7 @@
\label{furry:furry}
\renewfontfamily\pagenumfont{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=CCCCDDFF]
\backgroundcolor{c[1]}[HTML]{1f183a}
\backgroundcolor{C[1](0.5\columnsep,10000pt)(10000pt,10000pt)}[HTML]{1f183a}
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
@ -20,9 +23,14 @@ Do you not experience irony?
A friend asks Maddy: what is irony?
\end{ally}
\end{leftcolumn}
\begin{rightcolumn*}
% XXX Can't use rightcolumn* or there is a white space above it, thus the vspace.
\begin{rightcolumn}
\fontspec{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=CCCCDDFF,Ligatures=TeX]
\renewfontfamily\allyFont{Merriweather Sans}[Scale=0.9,Color=EEEEFFFF,Ligatures=TeX]
\null
\vspace{12.7\baselineskip}
\input{content/koan.tex}
\end{rightcolumn*}
\end{rightcolumn}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\newpage
@ -147,7 +155,14 @@ You are a parody of yourself.
\end{ally}
And proud of it.
\newpage
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}
\resetbackgroundcolor
\renewfontfamily\pagenumfont{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=000000FF]
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\noindent So, I think the order of my entry to furry was as follows:
\begin{enumerate}
@ -382,3 +397,5 @@ No one said this project would be easy.
\newpage
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}
\resetbackgroundcolor
\renewfontfamily\pagenumfont{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=000000FF]

26
book/content/furry/margaras.tex
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@ -13,9 +13,8 @@ Alright.
Watch the end of Matthew.
\newpage
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}
\begin{hangparas}{2em}{1}
Koray arrives from the foyer.
Koray murmurs, "Margaras would come here, yes?"
@ -949,18 +948,15 @@ Mundy has disconnected.
You have been logged out due to inactivity.
\% Connection to furry closed by foreign host.
\end{hangparas}
\vfill
\begin{verbatim}
To see the process of moving on, visit https://ally.id/furry/margaras
\end{verbatim}
\vfill
\begin{center}
\noindent {\color[HTML]{444444} To see the process of moving on, visit {\allyFont https://ally.id/furry/margaras}}
\end{center}
\newpage
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\begin{ally}
Thank you.
\end{ally}
@ -981,14 +977,10 @@ I know. It's been seven years.
\end{ally}
\begin{verse}
\emph{Yit'gadal v'yit'kadash sh'mei raba}
Would that I had the faith
To pray daily.
Eleven months to let you go,
\emph{Yit'gadal v'yit'kadash sh'mei raba}\\
Would that I had the faith\\
To pray daily.\\
Eleven months to let you go,\\
And an amen to end the sorrow.
\end{verse}

6
book/content/gender/gender.tex
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@ -356,7 +356,10 @@ Am I? So be it. That is not mutually exclusive with being a trans woman.
But to have that part of myself be erased by other trans women because I reached some magical stage on the gender escalator and stepped off hurts as much as being misgendered as a man by the worst TERF out there.
\newpage
\null
\newpage
\null
\vfill
\begin{ally}
I'm happy for you.
\end{ally}
@ -365,6 +368,7 @@ What? Why?
\begin{ally}
You're proud. For the first time, you're proud of who you are.
\end{ally}
\vfill
\newpage
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}

353
book/content/gender/surgery.tex
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@ -19,7 +19,7 @@
tells you that that must not be the case.\\
There's no easy way to make yourself face\\
that which your emotions continually deny,\\
no matter how true you know it to be.\\!
no matter how true you know it to be.\\*
\vinphantom{no matter how true you know it to be.} But why\\
must all these contradictions claim events\\
that mean the most to us? What prevents\\
@ -29,13 +29,12 @@
Is the life-changing too vast to explore, to seek\\
out every corner?
\begin{ally}
\noindent Have you considered that your constant seeking\\
\noindent may be the problem? That your anxieties leaking\\
\noindent all over may be what's preventing you\\
\noindent from recognizing what's actually true:\\
\noindent you can do things for yourself. It's allowed.
\end{ally}
{\fontspec{Merriweather Sans Italic}[Scale=0.9,Color=444444FF,Ligatures=TeX]
\vin Have you considered that your constant seeking\\
\vin may be the problem? That your anxieties leaking\\
\vin all over may be what's preventing you\\
\vin from recognizing what's actually true:\\
\vin you can do things for yourself. It's allowed.}
It also doesn't help that there were so many delays.\\
The scheduler losing my application, and me counting days\\
@ -51,20 +50,19 @@
How trite. How selfish. How lame. How revealing\\
of my bottomless shallowness.
\begin{ally}
\noindent Your saving grace being, as always, dysphoria:\\
\noindent more than any cough or cold, more than your chorea,\\
\noindent it provided you with a problem. Something fixable.\\
\noindent It gave you a tangible solution to something integral\\
\noindent that plagued you.
\end{ally}
{\fontspec{Merriweather Sans Italic}[Scale=0.9,Color=444444FF,Ligatures=TeX]
\vin Your saving grace being, as always, dysphoria:\\
\vin more than any cough or cold, more than your chorea,\\
\vin it provided you with a problem. Something fixable.\\
\vin It gave you a tangible solution to something integral\\
\vin that plagued you.}
That I had something I could concrete at which to point\\
that would be fixed by this act, I could thus annoint\\
it as somehow more worthy, something worth doing.\\
If I could go through some process of ungluing,\\
excise this thing from myself I might become whole\\
in some way never before imagined.\\!
in some way never before imagined.\\*
\vinphantom{in some way never before imagined.} Ah, but the toll.\\
There must always some arbitrary price to pay ---\\
Self-actualization must never be free --- and hey,\\
@ -73,16 +71,16 @@
of change must serve some sort of divine end.\\
To wait eighteen long months, to refuse to bend\\
to others' whims\ldots{}
\newpage
\begin{ally}
\noindent You got your letters, you got your date, you did it.\\
\noindent You did your labor, you did your time. They let you fidget\\
\noindent and twist in the wind. Hell, they did it to you twice.\\
\noindent Your letters only good for one year, you had to ask nice\\
\noindent for a second set.
\end{ally}
{\fontspec{Merriweather Sans Italic}[Scale=0.9,Color=444444FF,Ligatures=TeX]
\vin You got your letters, you got your date, you did it.\\
\vin You did your labor, you did your time. They let you fidget\\
\vin and twist in the wind. Hell, they did it to you twice.\\
\vin Your letters only good for one year, you had to ask nice\\
\vin for a second set.}
Yes.\\!
Yes.\\*
\vinphantom{Yes. } To preempt your 'why', I followed my own advice:\\
If I feel the same when I'm depressed as I do when I feel nice,\\
It's a thing worth doing. Eighteen months is time enough\\
@ -97,13 +95,12 @@
even at the pre-operative appointments, totally cognizant\\
that I didn't deserve this.
\begin{ally}
\noindent Whether or not you deserve this is not up for debate.\\
\noindent Not because you do or don't so much as because the hand fate\\
\noindent dealt you. You had the job, you had the insurance, the means.\\
\noindent You made the call. You took the step. You passed the screens.\\
\noindent \textbf{You} did this.
\end{ally}
{\fontspec{Merriweather Sans Italic}[Scale=0.9,Color=444444FF,Ligatures=TeX]
\vin Whether or not you deserve this is not up for debate.\\
\vin Not because you do or don't so much as because the hand fate\\
\vin dealt you. You had the job, you had the insurance, the means.\\
\vin You made the call. You took the step. You passed the screens.\\
\vin \textbf{You} did this.}
\end{verse}
\newpage
@ -123,8 +120,8 @@
to that six-thirty AM call. The days of purging.\\
The anxiety. The drive. My husband's gentle urging.\\
That night in the Airbnb. That last shower with the Hibiclens.\\
All that has faded. It's distored at the edge of the lens
of my memory.\\!
All that has faded. It's distored at the edge of the lens\\
of my memory.\\*
\vinphantom{of my memory.} No, what remains is the two hours before:\\
the being so scared that I was reduced to the barest core.\\
There was nothing left of me but fear, not even a name.\\
@ -133,13 +130,12 @@
But beyond that, I was a non-person. Or convict: my doom\\
was in their hands.
\begin{ally}
\noindent Non-person? Doom? Give yourself at least some credit.\\
\noindent You still had agency. You still had a choice, could have not let it\\
\noindent happen. You say of travel that getting you there is their job:\\
\noindent you felt the same here. You crossed the doorway and let this mob\\
\noindent of nurses do theirs.
\end{ally}
{\fontspec{Merriweather Sans Italic}[Scale=0.9,Color=444444FF,Ligatures=TeX]
\vin Non-person? Doom? Give yourself at least some credit.\\
\vin You still had agency. You still had a choice, could have not let it\\
\vin happen. You say of travel that getting you there is their job:\\
\vin you felt the same here. You crossed the doorway and let this mob\\
\vin of nurses do theirs.}
And that's exactly what happened. I crossed that threshold,\\
and then there I was: a patient before a team ready to handhold.\\
@ -148,7 +144,7 @@
working through a system. I even had a barcode to scan.\\
Some gabapentin. My belongings in a bag. A rundown of the plan.\\
An IV, and a second after the first missed. Meet the surgeon,\\
then the anaesthesiologist.\\!
then the anaesthesiologist.\\*
\vinphantom{then the anaesthesiologist.} I felt myself then a virgin.\\
I was at this point being prepared for some strange sacrifice,\\
a process of pain and cutting, of rebirth. A cut, a slice,\\
@ -156,13 +152,12 @@
Where I'd never put stock in virginity before --- so obsolete ---\\
it fits well, now.
\begin{ally}
\noindent It's the penetration. It's the being opened up. The breach in tegument.\\
\noindent There is change implied in the loss of virginity. Something elegant,\\
\noindent something beyond just the physical. Maybe it's maturity,\\
\noindent maybe it's a coming of age, or even some strange aspect of purity.\\
\noindent It's a one-way change
\end{ally}
{\fontspec{Merriweather Sans Italic}[Scale=0.9,Color=444444FF,Ligatures=TeX]
\vin It's the penetration. It's the being opened up. The breach in tegument.\\
\vin There is change implied in the loss of virginity. Something elegant,\\
\vin something beyond just the physical. Maybe it's maturity,\\
\vin maybe it's a coming of age, or even some strange aspect of purity.\\
\vin It's a one-way change}
That no-going-back-ness grew stronger and stronger,\\
and the minutes just seemed to go longer and longer,\\
@ -177,15 +172,15 @@
After all, this surgery, this procedue, none of this was riskless.\\
Would this be where we died? Would we pass here, resistless,\\
in the depths of anaesthesia?
\newpage
\begin{ally}
\noindent Was that really such a worry?\\!
\noindent \vinphantom{Was that really such a worry?} I mean, I suppose it had to have been.\\
\noindent You spent all that time polishing your will. How could you begin\\
\noindent to deny the death-thoughts inherent in a nine-hour surgery?\\
\noindent That you didn't still leaves you feeling like you're living a forgery\\
\noindent of a life.
\end{ally}
{\fontspec{Merriweather Sans Italic}[Scale=0.9,Color=444444FF,Ligatures=TeX]
\vin Was that really such a worry?\\*
\vinphantom{\vin Was that really such a worry?} I mean, I suppose it had to have been.\\
\vin You spent all that time polishing your will. How could you begin\\
\vin to deny the death-thoughts inherent in a nine-hour surgery?\\
\vin That you didn't still leaves you feeling like you're living a forgery\\
\vin of a life.}
But then I was in. I was in that room with surprisingly green walls.\\
The nurses dropped me off, and from down those hidden halls\\
@ -198,48 +193,46 @@
any train of thought. The jazz music they'd put on, at my request,\\
was overwhelmed by static. My vision followed. Silence: blessed.\\
Speed: surprising. Is this death? A rush of nothing. Is this death?\\
Nothing.\\!
\vinphantom{Nothing.} Nothing. Is this death?\\!
Nothing.\\*
\vinphantom{Nothing.} Nothing. Is this death?\\*
\vinphantom{Nothing. Nothing. Is it his death?} Is this death?
Silence, static.
\end{verse}
\begin{ally}
\begin{verse}[1.01\textwidth]
\vinphantom{Nothing.} Was this death?\\!
Nothing. \phantom{Was this death?} Nothing, death? \phantom{Nothing,} nothing.\\!
{\fontspec{Merriweather Sans Italic}[Scale=0.9,Color=444444FF,Ligatures=TeX]
\vinphantom{Nothing.} Was this death?\\*
Nothing. \phantom{Was this death?} Nothing, death? \phantom{Nothing,} nothing.\\*
\vspace{1em}
\vinphantom{Nothing. Was this death? Nothing, death?} Nothing,\\
\vinphantom{Death?} Was this death?\\!
Death? \phantom{Was this death?} Nothing.\\!
% \vinphantom{Death? Was this Death? Nothing. There was Nothing.} Death? Nothing.\\!
\vinphantom{Death?} Was this death?\\*
Death? \phantom{Was this death?} Nothing.\\*
% \vinphantom{Death? Was this Death? Nothing. There was Nothing.} Death? Nothing.\\*
\vspace{1em}
\vinphantom{Death? Was this death? Nothing.} There was nothing.\\
\vspace{2em}
Silence.\\!
Silence.\\*
\vspace{1em}
\vinphantom{Silence.} Static.\\!
\vinphantom{Silence.} Static.\\*
\vspace{3em}
\vinphantom{Silence. Static.} Nothing.\\!
\vinphantom{Silence. Static.} Nothing.\\*
\vspace{4em}
\vinphantom{Silence. Static. Nothing. Death.} Death.\\!
\vinphantom{Silence. Static. Nothing. Death.} Death.\\*
\vspace{3em}
\vinphantom{Silence. Static. Nothing.} Death.\\!
\vinphantom{Silence. Static. Nothing.} Death.\\*
\vspace{3em}
\vinphantom{Silence. Static. Nothing. Death. Death.} Silence.\\!
\vinphantom{Silence. Static. Nothing. Death. Death.} Silence.\\*
\vspace{2em}
\vinphantom{Silence. Static. Nothing. Death. Death. Silence.} Death.\\
\vinphantom{Static. Static.} Silence.\\!
\vinphantom{Static. Static.} Silence.\\*
\vspace{2em}
\vinphantom{Static.} Static.\\!
\vinphantom{Static.} Static.\\*
\vspace{5em}
Static. \phantom{Static. Silence.} Static.\\! \vspace{10em}
\vinphantom{Static. Static. Silence. Static.} Death, static.\\!
Static. \phantom{Static. Silence.} Static.\\* \vspace{10em}
\vinphantom{Static. Static. Silence. Static.} Death, static.\\*
\vspace{11em}
\vinphantom{Static. Static. Silence. Static. Death, Static.} Death.\\
\vfill
And then you woke up.
And then you woke up.}
\end{verse}
\end{ally}
\newpage
\begin{verse}[1.01\textwidth]
@ -315,19 +308,18 @@ that which was probably memory to begin with.
yet to be had, despite the heady sensation of the opiate\\
coursing through me; only giggles, however inappropriate,\\
every time we went over a bump or up a ramp.\\
And then I was in my room.\\!
And then I was in my room.\\*
\vinphantom{And then I was in my room.} Me. A bed. My IV. A lamp.\\
Square. Spacious. A bathroom I could not yet walk to.\\
Hourly vitals. Friendly staff wandering through to talk to.\\
And a button in my hand.
\begin{ally}
\noindent That button, which you were instructed to press\\
\noindent every seven minutes. A morphine drip, or dilaudid, at a guess.\\
\noindent Every seven minutes, a bit of nightmare dripped into your veins.\\
\noindent Every seven minutes, more entrails, more gears, more chains\\
\noindent coursing through your mind.
\end{ally}
{\fontspec{Merriweather Sans Italic}[Scale=0.9,Color=444444FF,Ligatures=TeX]
\vin That button, which you were instructed to press\\
\vin every seven minutes. A morphine drip, or dilaudid, at a guess.\\
\vin Every seven minutes, a bit of nightmare dripped into your veins.\\
\vin Every seven minutes, more entrails, more gears, more chains\\
\vin coursing through your mind.}
There was pain, too, and the drip did indeed lessen that.\\
Still, the pain grew less, and soon I switched meds to combat\\
@ -335,7 +327,7 @@ that which was probably memory to begin with.
Pills. Pills. Every four hours: pills. I complain, but improved\\
nonetheless. Antibiotics. Stool softeners. Painkillers.\\
The nurses wandering in and out became my tillers:\\
They steered my days, steered my pain, steered my diet.\\
They steered my days, steered my pain, steered my diet.\\\newpage
We talked. We laughed. We shared private jokes in the quiet\\
of the night over BP cuffs. They helped with bedpan duty,\\
thankless though it was. Another patient would cry, flutey,\\
@ -343,13 +335,12 @@ that which was probably memory to begin with.
Every now and then, when he made it down to Portland, James\\
would visit, perhaps spend the night.
\begin{ally}
\noindent Your laptop unweildy, you spent most of your time on your phone.\\
\noindent Even when no one was there, you were never quite alone.\\
\noindent Hours on Taps. Hours on Telegram. Five long days on your back,\\
\noindent and you, a side sleeper! Anything and everything to distract\\
\noindent from that fact.
\end{ally}
{\fontspec{Merriweather Sans Italic}[Scale=0.9,Color=444444FF,Ligatures=TeX]
\vin Your laptop unweildy, you spent most of your time on your phone.\\
\vin Even when no one was there, you were never quite alone.\\
\vin Hours on Taps. Hours on Telegram. Five long days on your back,\\
\vin and you, a side sleeper! Anything and everything to distract\\
\vin from that fact.}
It wasn't all monotony. The surgeon came in to check on me.\\
They removed my dressing, and then my packing, setting me free,\\
@ -364,14 +355,14 @@ that which was probably memory to begin with.
outside my door. It was somehow still unreal to me.\\
Or perhaps I was simply to eager to finally be free\\
from the room.
\newpage
\begin{ally}
\noindent Undiluted sunlight while you waited on JD to get the car\\
\noindent hurt your eyes. You could still barely stand, afraid to jar\\
\noindent your new body in your dizziness. Almost more overwhelming\\
\noindent than the hours before the surgery was you helming\\
\noindent your dissociating self.
\end{ally}
{\fontspec{Merriweather Sans Italic}[Scale=0.9,Color=444444FF,Ligatures=TeX]
\vin Undiluted sunlight while you waited on JD to get the car\\
\vin hurt your eyes. You could still barely stand, afraid to jar\\
\vin your new body in your dizziness. Almost more overwhelming\\
\vin than the hours before the surgery was you helming\\
\vin your dissociating self.}
All the way to the B\&B, crossing that street, getting settled,\\
I was nothing. I was not myself. I was soft, bepetaled.\\
@ -387,16 +378,17 @@ that which was probably memory to begin with.
I needed to not be completely unmoored, to not be unbounded.\\
But it was done.
\begin{ally}
\noindent It was done. It was complete. You'd started taking action,\\
\noindent and kept on taking steps until you were there, beyond abstraction.\\
\noindent This was concrete. This was real. This was true. \textbf{You} were true.\\
\noindent You weren't false before, but all the same, now that you were new,\\
\noindent you were more true now
\end{ally}
{\fontspec{Merriweather Sans Italic}[Scale=0.9,Color=444444FF,Ligatures=TeX]
\vin It was done. It was complete. You'd started taking action,\\
\vin and kept on taking steps until you were there, beyond abstraction.\\
\vin This was concrete. This was real. This was true. \textbf{You} were true.\\
\vin You weren't false before, but all the same, now that you were new,\\
\vin you were more true now}
\end{verse}
\newpage
\null
\vfill
\begin{verse}[1.01\textwidth]
It is two hundred miles between what I expect and what I want.\\
Two hundred long strides that seem impassible from one direction,\\
@ -414,6 +406,7 @@ It is twelve years between what I want and what I get:\\
Ten years of remembering who I will become, two years running,\\
\vin Eight days dreaming.
\end{verse}
\vfill
\newpage
\begin{verse}[1.01\textwidth]
@ -431,22 +424,21 @@ Ten years of remembering who I will become, two years running,\\
My body was still my own. Whole and entire. My life played out,\\
and I became more myself.
\begin{ally}
\noindent This isn't going how you pictured it, this bit of writing.\\
\noindent You were going to talk more about healing, about fighting\\
\noindent for permission to change, about your \$76,000 bill.\\
\noindent And here you talk of trees and growth. Did you not get your fill?\\
\noindent Do you still need this outlet?
\end{ally}
{\fontspec{Merriweather Sans Italic}[Scale=0.9,Color=444444FF,Ligatures=TeX]
\vin This isn't going how you pictured it, this bit of writing.\\
\vin You were going to talk more about healing, about fighting\\
\vin for permission to change, about your \$76,000 bill.\\
\vin And here you talk of trees and growth. Did you not get your fill?\\
\vin Do you still need this outlet?}
Apparently.\\!
Apparently.\\*
\vinphantom{Apparently.} Apparently I still need to revel in the newness.\\
Apparently, what I need out of this project isn't the trueness\\
of the concrete. We should really have expected nothing less.\\
This is a project to dig for truth, a project to confess.\\
It is not a project for describing stitches stabbing me in the clit.\\
It is not for telling about each successive dilator testing the fit\\
of my new depths. Could I have gone into that? Yes. Perhaps.\\
of my new depths. Could I have gone into that? Yes. Perhaps.\\\newpage
Perhaps I still will. Later. For now, I still need to run laps,\\
to circle around some dark core and discern its edges.\\
Perhaps if I know that shape, if I peek over enough hedges,\\
@ -454,13 +446,12 @@ Ten years of remembering who I will become, two years running,\\
Maybe there is no knowing the self. Still, I have to try, rightly\\
or not.
\begin{ally}
\noindent Fair enough. Still, at some point, discuss the concrete.\\
\noindent So many have asked you to, and perhaps you'd feel complete.\\
\noindent Perhaps that, too, would be of use to you. Not everything demands\\
\noindent such thorough introspection. Not everything fits in the wetlands\\
\noindent of your subconscious
\end{ally}
{\fontspec{Merriweather Sans Italic}[Scale=0.9,Color=444444FF,Ligatures=TeX]
\vin Fair enough. Still, at some point, discuss the concrete.\\
\vin So many have asked you to, and perhaps you'd feel complete.\\
\vin Perhaps that, too, would be of use to you. Not everything demands\\
\vin such thorough introspection. Not everything fits in the wetlands\\
\vin of your subconscious}
Of course not. I know this. \emph{You} know I know this.\\
I'm not deflecting, just focusing on this part of the abyss.\\
@ -475,14 +466,14 @@ Ten years of remembering who I will become, two years running,\\
and to learn from our discussions. To learn? To suffer?\\
Perhaps more the latter. To hurt, and grow tougher\\
by hurting.
\newpage
\begin{ally}
\noindent You have been called on that, yes, writing to suffer.\\
\noindent And it's not wrong. You sit at your laptop and fill the buffer\\
\noindent with sentences and lines and paragraphs of memories and pain.\\
\noindent Do you really grow tougher? Is it masochisim, or do you gain\\
\noindent real insight from this?
\end{ally}
{\fontspec{Merriweather Sans Italic}[Scale=0.9,Color=444444FF,Ligatures=TeX]
\vin You have been called on that, yes, writing to suffer.\\
\vin And it's not wrong. You sit at your laptop and fill the buffer\\
\vin with sentences and lines and paragraphs of memories and pain.\\
\vin Do you really grow tougher? Is it masochisim, or do you gain\\
\vin real insight from this?}
I think I do. It's therapeutic to try and understand myself better.\\
is it not? With every paragraph and line and word and letter,\\
@ -498,69 +489,65 @@ Ten years of remembering who I will become, two years running,\\
Then I can experience thisness --- I hope --- when buffeted by forces\\
internal.
\begin{ally}
\noindent If you say so, I suppose. Do you think it'll work, though?\\
\noindent Aren't such works unknowable by definition? They grow,\\
\noindent they wane. You can sense them by their effects and emissions,\\
\noindent but isn't seeing them, truly seeing, knowing their positions,\\
\noindent reserved for dreams?
\end{ally}
{\fontspec{Merriweather Sans Italic}[Scale=0.9,Color=444444FF,Ligatures=TeX]
\vin If you say so, I suppose. Do you think it'll work, though?\\
\vin Aren't such works unknowable by definition? They grow,\\
\vin they wane. You can sense them by their effects and emissions,\\
\vin but isn't seeing them, truly seeing, knowing their positions,\\
\vin reserved for dreams?}
\end{verse}
\newpage
\begin{verse}[1.01\textwidth]
What have you changed?\\
\vin \emph{My mind}\\
What changed you?\\
\vin \emph{Nothing}\\
What became of it?\\
\vin \emph{I am not who I was}
\vin {\fontspec{Merriweather Sans Italic}[Scale=0.9,Color=444444FF,Ligatures=TeX] What have you changed?}\\
My mind\\
\vin {\fontspec{Merriweather Sans Italic}[Scale=0.9,Color=444444FF,Ligatures=TeX] What changed you?}\\
Nothing\\
\vin {\fontspec{Merriweather Sans Italic}[Scale=0.9,Color=444444FF,Ligatures=TeX] What became of it?}\\
I am not who I was
What have you changed?\\
\vin \emph{My name}\\
What changed you?\\
\vin \emph{The word}\\
What became of it?\\
\vin \emph{I am called who I am}
\vin {\fontspec{Merriweather Sans Italic}[Scale=0.9,Color=444444FF,Ligatures=TeX] What have you changed?}\\
My name\\
\vin {\fontspec{Merriweather Sans Italic}[Scale=0.9,Color=444444FF,Ligatures=TeX] What changed you?}\\
The word\\
\vin {\fontspec{Merriweather Sans Italic}[Scale=0.9,Color=444444FF,Ligatures=TeX] What became of it?}\\
I am called who I am
What have you changed?\\
\vin \emph{My looks}\\
What changed you?\\
\vin \emph{The light}\\
What became of it?\\
\vin \emph{I am seen as I am}
What have you changed?\\
\vin \emph{My chemistry}\\
What changed you?\\
\vin \emph{The substance}\\
What became of it?\\
\vin \emph{My form is my own}
\vin {\fontspec{Merriweather Sans Italic}[Scale=0.9,Color=444444FF,Ligatures=TeX] What have you changed?}\\
My looks\\
\vin {\fontspec{Merriweather Sans Italic}[Scale=0.9,Color=444444FF,Ligatures=TeX] What changed you?}\\
The light\\
\vin {\fontspec{Merriweather Sans Italic}[Scale=0.9,Color=444444FF,Ligatures=TeX] What became of it?}\\
I am seen as I am
\vin {\fontspec{Merriweather Sans Italic}[Scale=0.9,Color=444444FF,Ligatures=TeX] What have you changed?}\\
My chemistry\\
\vin {\fontspec{Merriweather Sans Italic}[Scale=0.9,Color=444444FF,Ligatures=TeX] What changed you?}\\
The substance\\
\vin {\fontspec{Merriweather Sans Italic}[Scale=0.9,Color=444444FF,Ligatures=TeX] What became of it?}\\
My form is my own
\newpage
\null
\vspace{0.01em}
What have you changed?\\
\vin \emph{My body}\\
What changed you?\\
\vin \emph{The knife}\\
What became of it?\\
\vin \emph{I am shaped how I am}
\vin {\fontspec{Merriweather Sans Italic}[Scale=0.9,Color=444444FF,Ligatures=TeX] What have you changed?}\\
My body\\
\vin {\fontspec{Merriweather Sans Italic}[Scale=0.9,Color=444444FF,Ligatures=TeX] What changed you?}\\
The knife\\
\vin {\fontspec{Merriweather Sans Italic}[Scale=0.9,Color=444444FF,Ligatures=TeX] What became of it?}\\
I am shaped how I am
What have you changed?\\
\vin \emph{Nothing}\\
What changed you?\\
\vin \emph{I was accepted}\\
What became of it?\\
\vin \emph{I accepted myself}
\vin {\fontspec{Merriweather Sans Italic}[Scale=0.9,Color=444444FF,Ligatures=TeX] What have you changed?}\\
Nothing\\
\vin {\fontspec{Merriweather Sans Italic}[Scale=0.9,Color=444444FF,Ligatures=TeX] What changed you?}\\
I was accepted\\
\vin {\fontspec{Merriweather Sans Italic}[Scale=0.9,Color=444444FF,Ligatures=TeX] What became of it?}\\
I accepted myself
What have you changed?\\
\vin \emph{Everything}\\
What changed you?\\
\vin \emph{Everything}\\
What became of it?\\
\vin \emph{I became who I am}
\vin {\fontspec{Merriweather Sans Italic}[Scale=0.9,Color=444444FF,Ligatures=TeX] What have you changed?}\\
Everything\\
\vin {\fontspec{Merriweather Sans Italic}[Scale=0.9,Color=444444FF,Ligatures=TeX] What changed you?}\\
Everything\\
\vin {\fontspec{Merriweather Sans Italic}[Scale=0.9,Color=444444FF,Ligatures=TeX] What became of it?}\\
I became who I am
\end{verse}
\newpage

7
book/content/jay.tex
View File

@ -1,4 +1,8 @@
\label{jay}
\renewcommand*{\footnoterule}{%
\kern-3pt%
\color[HTML]{222288}\hrule width 0.4\columnwidth
\kern2.6pt}
\fontspec{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=222288FF,Ligatures=TeX]
\renewfontfamily\allyFont{Merriweather Sans}[Scale=0.9,Color=4444AAFF,Ligatures=TeX]
\noindent Mom and Jay got married when I was in elementary school. Fourth grade, maybe? It's a bit hazy.
@ -73,7 +77,7 @@ You'd be away from him. That's a reward.
\end{ally}
I hadn't thought of it that way.
The bench, though, was perfect. It faced a dining table,\footnote{A dream: \emph{I am moving through the house, and suddenly a flood of brightly colored scorpions starts to pile in through the doors and windows. They're bright and plastic like Creepy Crawlers, but I know they'll be deadly. I have to hide under the dining room table. There is a flash, and then I'm riding on the table like a raft, but I have to be careful, as it is as if it's on a fulcrum and if I row or punt too hard, it will flip over, burying me in scorpions.}} and across from that, the computer which was kept powered off. No reading. No talking. No moving from the bench. If more than one of us were in trouble at the same time, no looking at each other; we sat on opposite ends.
The bench, though, was perfect. It faced a dining table,\footnote{\color[HTML]{222288}A dream: \emph{I am moving through the house, and suddenly a flood of brightly colored scorpions starts to pile in through the doors and windows. They're bright and plastic like Creepy Crawlers, but I know they'll be deadly. I have to hide under the dining room table. There is a flash, and then I'm riding on the table like a raft, but I have to be careful, as it is as if it's on a fulcrum and if I row or punt too hard, it will flip over, burying me in scorpions.}} and across from that, the computer which was kept powered off. No reading. No talking. No moving from the bench. If more than one of us were in trouble at the same time, no looking at each other; we sat on opposite ends.
When he started taking up martial arts, he brought Zach and I with him. He thought\ldots{}well, I don't know what he thought. That it would make us men? That it would teach us to defend ourselves?
@ -201,3 +205,4 @@ And yet you felt free.
\end{ally}
And yet I felt free.
\newpage
\renewcommand*{\footnoterule}{\oldfootnoterule}

2
book/content/koan.tex
View File

@ -52,7 +52,7 @@ Maddy ran through the field, and wound up covered in dirt and scratches.
The friend said: better to not run.
\newpage
Maddy built a sand castle and it was washed away.
\noindent Maddy built a sand castle and it was washed away.
The first friend was sad about the sand castle for Maddy, and said: better to not build the sand castle and risk further sorrow.

24
book/content/liminal.tex
View File

@ -35,7 +35,7 @@ What's the old saw? You'll finally perfect it six months after death?
I think that was about when men leave puberty.
\begin{ally}
Let's talk about TIASAP.
Let's talk some more about TIASAP.\footnote{Page \pageref{furry:younes}}
\end{ally}
No more, please.
@ -110,7 +110,10 @@ What's that I'm tasting? Sweet'n Low?
\end{ally}
Is it really that saccharine to be able to look back and say that you sucked, and that you're getting better?
She wears a pendant of stamped brass Saying ``Non sum qualis eram.''
\begin{verse}
She wears a pendant of stamped brass\\
\vin Saying ``Non sum qualis eram.''
\end{verse}
Like, obviously, it sucks to get that regretrospect feeling of looking back and realizing that you were a terrible person, but it's also a good sign that you've improved. If you don't like who you were, at least it's good that you're not that, now.
@ -233,23 +236,6 @@ How could I possibly talk to my mom about something like that? I hid my arms and
That's not true.
\end{ally}
I\ldots{}well, no, it's not.
\begin{ally}
Let's talk about suicide.
\end{ally}
Not yet.
Please.
\begin{ally}
Why not?
\end{ally}
I'd like it to be a cohesive thing. I'd like to be able to think about it on its own, none of this coming at it sideways. I'd like to be deliberate about it.
\begin{ally}
Soon.
\end{ally}
Yes, soon.
\newpage
\noindent Telling dad was the second time I came out to family deliberately.

59
book/content/movement.tex
View File

@ -31,6 +31,7 @@ Take, for example, Orson Scott Card.
There's a juicy one.
\end{ally}
Much to be said on him, yes, but take \emph{Xenocide} and \emph{Children of the Mind} as examples on this topic in particular. Take the World of Path. Take this supposed obsessive-compulsive disorder that plagues some of its inhabitants.
\newpage
\begin{ally}
Is it wrong?
@ -98,7 +99,8 @@ That's what it's called, but how would you get it across?
\end{ally}
Sobbing? Frustration? Humor? I had a whole comedy set prepared for it, in case I, for some reason, needed to do a stand-up routine.
As you can see, I have a motor tick on my neck that makes me jerk my head to the side and do stuff with my hands. This is because I have transient tic disorder, or as I like to call it, tourettes with holidays.
\begin{quotation}
\noindent As you can see, I have a motor tick on my neck that makes me jerk my head to the side and do stuff with my hands. This is because I have transient tic disorder, or as I like to call it, tourettes with holidays.
It makes work life interesting. I stare at a screen all day at my job. Or, well, I stare at my screen and also a point on the wall right about \emph{point} there. It's sort of a timeshare.
@ -111,6 +113,7 @@ I actually learned about all this tic nonsense at work. It started back in 2012
Now, this is mostly a motor tic. I don't have the verbal tics that folks associate with tourettes. However, it does make me stutter when it gets bad. If you've never stuttered before,I can tell you that it's infuriating, so, honestly, I didn't need a verbal tic to get me cussing all the time.
So there's me sitting in meetings with other insurance companies, shaking my head `no' to everything they say, and when I try to correct myself, it comes out ``I mean ye-yes FUCK sorry''. I got really good at the whole FUCK-sorry combo.
\end{quotation}
And so on.
@ -213,11 +216,25 @@ No.
\begin{ally}
Why?
\end{ally}
March 10, 2018:
\end{leftcolumn}
\begin{rightcolumn*}
\emph{March 10, 2018}
\end{rightcolumn*}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\begin{quotation}
\noindent I stayed away from reading too much about my own mental health problems for a long time because I'm not a doctor, and have seen what trying to be smarter than one's doctor can do. In fact, I stayed away from reading most anything about these things for a long time, until I realized I needed SOME language to describe what was going on to my docs.
\end{quotation}
\begin{ally}
And how did that work?
\end{ally}
\begin{quotation}
\noindent With a recent physical health problem cropping up, I decided that my embargo wasn't worth keeping up in that instance. Of course, almost immediately after, I suffered a crash and decided to do a bunch of reading on bipolar, and you know, it's a real shitmess.
I had thought I'd have a chance at normalcy, that I'd get better over time, that - and here I should've been tipped off to the impossibility of the scenario - I'd be able to return to some previous golden era of Madison.
\end{quotation}
\begin{ally}
And the physical health problem?
\end{ally}
@ -442,16 +459,42 @@ I say `shortly after', when it was likely during that trip when I realized I fel
I just learned the word for it shortly after, the name. And by naming a thing, hoped to gain some sort of power over it.
\begin{quotation}
\noindent Alv pinned his ears back against his head as he stomped down the length of the block. His boots were too much for the drizzle that the weather offered, but it was that or his threadbare sneakers, and some tiny part of his mind had done the calculation without the rest of him knowing, and he'd tugged the heavy things on for the walk.
\end{quotation}
\begin{ally}
Because of course you have a furry story about akathisia.
\end{ally}
Write what you know.
\begin{quotation}
\noindent The air inside had grown too stuffy for the old fisher, or perhaps his eyes had grown too tired of reading, or maybe it was something in his joints, a feeling of too much space that needed to be compressed down. The solution, no matter the problem, was to move.
His third time around the block, knees and hips aching from walking in work boots that were never meant for the task, and Alv still hadn't figured out what it was that kept driving him out of the house. He'd walk, day after day, until his tail drooped and his feet started dragging. Sometimes, like today, he'd circle the block. Some days he'd drive the mile to the supermarket and walk aimlessly up and down each aisle, eventually picking up a drink or a snack, just to make the trip worth it. Other days, he'd just pace in his building's parking lot.
He didn't think.
Or maybe he thought too much. Maybe that was it. Maybe the fisher's every step was taken to crush too many thoughts beneath the soles of his boots, pressing the life out of them through the sheer weight of his restlessness.
\end{quotation}
\begin{ally}
And you would, too. You'd walk and walk and walk, hoping that perhaps you could walk the thoughts out of you.
\end{ally}
Yes.
\begin{quotation}
\noindent He didn't know what it was that, day by day, drove him to his feet, drove him to walk until he couldn't walk anymore. He just knew that if he didn't, that ache within him, that burning, that itch would continue to grow, and he'd start to feel like his heart was being extruded through his rib cage, like his fur was coming out in clumps, like he couldn't possibly breathe deep enough.
His wife, gone now these five years, had been fond of calling him a restless soul. He wasn't sure that he was capable of believing in a soul, nor that this increasingly restless state of being was confined to something so intangible. He was just restless.
\emph{Just. Only.}
That's all he was. There was nothing to him except restlessness. After Naomi's death, he'd slowly become less and less of a person, until all that was left was the urge to move, the terror over being confined to one place for any length of time.
His tail starting to sag, the fisher could feel all the calm he'd accumulated through the walk start to ebb, the tide of anxiety creeping in from the edges, from his fur inwards. One last trip around the block, he figured, was all he could manage before resting again.
\end{quotation}
\begin{ally}
Write what you know.
\end{ally}
@ -462,6 +505,16 @@ Sure, but we've already been over that.
\end{ally}
Yes.
\begin{quotation}
\noindent By the time he made it around to his building again, Alv was well and truly sore, knees and hips aching from the repetitive motion of stomping around the block. Still, he couldn't bring himself to head up to his apartment quite yet. The idea of being closed in such a space held negative appeal. Something about the thought of four walls was actively repulsive.
So he sat on the damp stoop and watched the trees across the street.
The drizzle had dried up---though he hadn't noticed when---and all that was left was the occasional \emph{pat} of drop on leaf as some bit of water got too heavy and sought a new home closer to the ground. There was just that gentle sound. Despite the hour, the street was empty of traffic, as though the shoddy weather had chased everyone inside.
``Would that my soul were that calm,'' he mumbled to the bare street at last and levered himself up creakily, climbing the rest of the stairs to head inside.
\end{quotation}
\begin{ally}
Write what you know. Write about the way pacing slowly moved from its status as nervous habit to a necessity, to an ache. Write about how there was no relief in walking, just a drive, an itch you could never scratch but were nonetheless required to try. Write, and cast those words upon something else, upon someone else, so that you can look on them and say, ``Ah yes, \textbf{this} is happening.''
\end{ally}
@ -558,6 +611,8 @@ It's not your fault either, you know.
\end{ally}
On an intellectual level, sure. I know. On some deeper level, obviously I don't. Or can't.
\newpage
\null
\newpage
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}
\resetbackgroundcolor

21
book/content/poet-and-mystic.tex
View File

@ -126,11 +126,9 @@ And then?
\newpage
\end{leftcolumn}
\begin{rightcolumn*}
\begin{flushright}
\fontspec{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=CCCCDDFF,Ligatures=TeX]
\renewfontfamily\allyFont{Merriweather Sans}[Scale=0.9,Color=EEEEFFFF,Ligatures=TeX]
\emph{March 10, 2004}
\end{flushright}
\end{rightcolumn*}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\fontspec{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=CCCCDDFF,Ligatures=TeX]
@ -158,9 +156,7 @@ Afterwards, I figured out how to regain control (mostly) and just in time for th
\begin{rightcolumn*}
\fontspec{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=CCCCDDFF,Ligatures=TeX]
\renewfontfamily\allyFont{Merriweather Sans}[Scale=0.9,Color=EEEEFFFF,Ligatures=TeX]
\begin{flushright}
\emph{June 7, 2004}
\end{flushright}
\end{rightcolumn*}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\fontspec{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=CCCCDDFF,Ligatures=TeX]
@ -202,7 +198,7 @@ Damn straight.
\end{ally}
You're depressing, too.
\vspace{2\onelineskip}
\vspace{2\baselineskip}
\noindent\ldots{}hello?
\end{quotation}
@ -250,7 +246,10 @@ Faith? You're faithful? How have you EVER been faithful to love?
Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani!
\end{quotation}
\newpage
\null
\newpage
% XXX The following color changes are all to get around the problem of footnote colors not matching. I hate it.
% ...okay, I figured out how to fix it, but now I kinda like it.
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}
@ -258,10 +257,10 @@ Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani!
\renewfontfamily\pagenumfont{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=000000FF]
\backgroundcolor{c[0]}[HTML]{ddffcc}
\backgroundcolor{C[0](10000pt,10000pt)(0.6\columnsep,10000pt)}[HTML]{ddffcc}
\backgroundcolor{c[1]}[HTML]{ddffcc}
\backgroundcolor{C[1](0.6\columnsep,10000pt)(10000pt,10000pt)}[HTML]{ddffcc}
\backgroundcolor{c[0]}[HTML]{cffccc}
\backgroundcolor{C[0](10000pt,10000pt)(0.6\columnsep,10000pt)}[HTML]{cffccc}
\backgroundcolor{c[1]}[HTML]{cffccc}
\backgroundcolor{C[1](0.6\columnsep,10000pt)(10000pt,10000pt)}[HTML]{cffccc}
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\fontspec{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=000000FF,Ligatures=TeX]
@ -285,6 +284,8 @@ It's about breathing in for the count of four, holding for the count of two, bre
So that you can disappear entirely.
\end{ally}
\newpage
\null
\newpage
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}
@ -326,6 +327,8 @@ Oh, totally.
\end{ally}
Fair.
\newpage
\null
\newpage
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}

5
book/content/poly.tex
View File

@ -1,6 +1,7 @@
\label{poly}
\backgroundcolor{c[1]}[HTML]{eeddff}
\backgroundcolor{C[1](0.5\columnsep,10000pt)(10000pt,10000pt)}[HTML]{eeddff}
\renewfontfamily\pagenumfont{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=222288FF] % To go with Jay
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
@ -230,7 +231,7 @@ Yes. June, 2004:
Queer hair, queer mouth, queer brain, queer sleeves, queer shoes, queer toes, queer nails, queer fingers, queer palms, hairy palms, queer wrists, limp wrists, queer arms, queer shoulders, arms around shoulders, queer neck, sensitive neck, queer hair, curly, queer ears, sensitive ears, eargasmic, queer cheek, blushing cheek, queer nose, got it from my dad, queer eyes, queer colors, got them from my grandpa, queer eyebrows, but not as queer as some, queer face, too long, queer chest, too skinny, queer belly, padded, queer crotch, go figure, queer thighs, better believe it, queer knees, queer calfs, queer ankles, queer legs, flexible, queer feet, still smell, queer guy, no surprise.
\end{quotation}
When you're queer, \emph{being queer} is baked into just about everything about you, but most especially in your relationships. ``Minority identity acts as a force multiplier on social dynamics,'' as Orrery put it.
\noindent When you're queer, \emph{being queer} is baked into just about everything about you, but most especially in your relationships. ``Minority identity acts as a force multiplier on social dynamics,'' as Orrery put it.
\begin{ally}
And so?
@ -341,3 +342,5 @@ You know what? Now's as good a time as any.
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}
\resetbackgroundcolor
\renewfontfamily\pagenumfont{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=000000FF]

16
book/content/self-harm/self-harm.tex
View File

@ -1,6 +1,9 @@
\label{selfharm:selfharm}
\renewcommand*{\footnoterule}{%
\kern-3pt%
\color[HTML]{dddddd}\hrule width 0.4\columnwidth
\kern2.6pt}
\renewfontfamily\pagenumfont{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=DDDDDDFF]
\backgroundcolor{c[0]}[HTML]{222228}
\backgroundcolor{C[0](10000pt,10000pt)(0.6\columnsep,10000pt)}[HTML]{222228}
\backgroundcolor{c[1]}[HTML]{222228}
@ -90,6 +93,8 @@ You never spoke to him again.
\end{ally}
I will close my eyes and my heart and become a stone.
\newpage
\null
\newpage
\noindent There is too much fire in me
@ -136,6 +141,9 @@ And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Particle would excite particle
until I'm felt only as warmth on your face.
\newpage
\null
\vfill
\begin{ally}
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
@ -145,6 +153,7 @@ But even that would not be enough.
\begin{ally}
Only I will remain.
\end{ally}
\vfill
\newpage
\noindent TIASAP stands for \emph{The Ill-Advised Self-Administration Period}.
@ -167,7 +176,7 @@ I tell myself now that if I belive something to be true when I'm depressed as we
And, well.
% XXX footnote color
Now I knew it was right.\footnote{Page \pageref{gender:gender}}
Now I knew it was right.\footnote{\color[HTML]{dddddd}Page \pageref{gender:gender}}
But I was unsafe, I was punishing myself, and I did it all on purpose.
@ -175,7 +184,10 @@ But I was unsafe, I was punishing myself, and I did it all on purpose.
Why ruin your life on accident when you can do it on purpose?
\end{ally}
\newpage
\null
\newpage
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}
\resetbackgroundcolor
\renewcommand*{\footnoterule}{\oldfootnoterule}

41
book/content/self-harm/suicide.tex
View File

@ -11,6 +11,10 @@
\fontspec{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=AAAAAAFF,Ligatures=TeX]
\renewfontfamily\allyFont{Merriweather Sans}[Scale=0.9,Color=999999FF,Ligatures=TeX]
\begin{quotation}
\noindent From the point of view of the universe, Max's death wasn't a big deal, it was just my big deal.
\end{quotation}
\noindent On March 21st, 2012, I tried to kill myself.
It's amazing how such a simple statement of fact reflects, months of strange tension, slow recovery, and a whole lot of trying to understand what really happened. It's not a comfortable thing for anyone to discuss, but it's one of those things I need to discuss, need to get off my chest. A little too much of what makes life meaningful for me now is wrapped up in that one night.
@ -286,27 +290,31 @@ Both James and Karl checked in on me throughout the next few hours, but it was m
\newpage
\begin{quotation}
Things are totally out of control now.
\noindent Things are totally out of control now.
--- @drab\_makyo March 23, 2012
\end{quotation}
On meds for anxiety now, but that seems to have just let loose something terrible. Tried to kill myself Wednesday night, spent all tonight--
\begin{quotation}
\noindent On meds for anxiety now, but that seems to have just let loose something terrible. Tried to kill myself Wednesday night, spent all tonight obsessing about it, woke up Karl and James, then felt guilty and upset about it.
--- @drab\_makyo March 23, 2012
\end{quotation}
--obsessing about it, woke up Karl and James, then felt guilty and upset about it.
\begin{quotation}
\noindent It's not even really about anything, I'm just messed up, I guess.
--- @drab\_makyo March 23, 2012
\end{quotation}
It's not even really about anything, I'm just messed up, I guess.
\begin{quotation}
\noindent Days are spent in a surreality, both happy and unreasonably angry.
--- @drab\_makyo March 23, 2012
\end{quotation}
Days are spent in a surreality, both happy and unreasonably angry.
--- @drab\_makyo March 23, 2012
I'm sorry you'll all wake up to a bunch of Matt freaking out, but I'm stuck :S
\begin{quotation}
\noindent I'm sorry you'll all wake up to a bunch of Matt freaking out, but I'm stuck :S
--- @drab\_makyo March 23, 2012
\end{quotation}
@ -316,15 +324,20 @@ Where's your tweet from this time?
\end{ally}
\begin{quotation}
As someone who went to the ER last night and got 12 stitches only to find out that insurance ended on the 30th and I haven't received my COBRA paperwork yet so we'll see how fucked I am financially: mood. https://t.co/sil5Yf2617
--- @drab\_makyo October 10, 2019
I'm okay. Just tired.
\noindent As someone who went to the ER last night and got 12 stitches only to find out that insurance ended on the 30th and I haven't received my COBRA paperwork yet so we'll see how fucked I am financially: mood. https://t.co/sil5Yf2617
--- @drab\_makyo October 10, 2019
\end{quotation}
\newpage
\null
\vfill
\begin{quotation}
\noindent I'm okay. Just tired.
--- @drab\_makyo October 10, 2019
\end{quotation}
\vfill
\newpage
\begin{ally}
You posted about those things publicly, but not privately, not one-on-one.

7
book/content/sex/rape.tex
View File

@ -1,4 +1,8 @@
\label{sex:rape}
\renewcommand*{\footnoterule}{%
\kern-3pt%
\color[HTML]{dccccc}\hrule width 0.4\columnwidth
\kern2.6pt}
\fontspec{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=DCCCCCFF,Ligatures=TeX]
\renewfontfamily\allyFont{Merriweather Sans}[Scale=0.9,Color=CBBBBBFF,Ligatures=TeX]
@ -71,7 +75,7 @@ Less quick.
\end{ally}
It's unclear to me. It's something of a new thought I've had lately. Was part of what kept me struggling and striving to have a healthy sexual existence due to me trying to overcome this aspect of my past?
Beyond that, was TIASAP\footnote{Page \pageref{selfharm:selfharm}} me accepting that I wasn't succeeding?
Beyond that, was TIASAP\footnote{\color[HTML]{dccccc}Page \pageref{selfharm:selfharm}} me accepting that I wasn't succeeding?
Perhaps.
@ -127,3 +131,4 @@ The specifics of what happened aren't really important. What is important is the
The blackbird whistling, or just after.
\end{ally}
\newpage
\renewcommand*{\footnoterule}{\oldfootnoterule}

41
book/content/sex/sex.tex
View File

@ -15,7 +15,7 @@
\noindent Cathleen Schine writes in \emph{The Evolution of Jane}:
\begin{quotation}
I resented the state of childhood wonder. It was insatiable, yet it seemed to me to be no more than a puerile affliction, like baby teeth. My ignorance struck me as a bizarre anomaly, for I felt, with utter certainty, that I was --- how can I say this? --- that I was *sufficient*. Evidence to the contrary forced itself on me every hour of every day, but that seemed to me some preposterous misunderstanding.
\noindent I resented the state of childhood wonder. It was insatiable, yet it seemed to me to be no more than a puerile affliction, like baby teeth. My ignorance struck me as a bizarre anomaly, for I felt, with utter certainty, that I was --- how can I say this? --- that I was *sufficient*. Evidence to the contrary forced itself on me every hour of every day, but that seemed to me some preposterous misunderstanding.
\end{quotation}
And while I don't necessarily have fond memories of childhood--
@ -65,6 +65,20 @@ Another easy solution I latched onto was erotic roleplay. TS. Typefucking. Co-au
I latched on and wouldn't let go. Still haven't. Beyond even myself, it shows up in my writing:
\begin{quotation}
\noindent And it was there where I found love. There where I found love and lust and romance and flings. I dated. I TSed (we were, of course, too cool to use so vulgar a word as ‘cyber’). I set up relationships for characters in our games, and I set up relationships that transcended that, two hearts touching through only those white words on a black screen.
Merlin and Marusin, The\_Prof and rranger386, people I would dream about and likely never meet. We were all young. We were in love with each other in our own little worlds, serially and in parallel.
And while sometimes I would think about who they were beyond the screen, it was rarely for long. I was in love with Merlin the fighter who hated magic. I was in love with The\_Prof the student who desperately wanted to be a professor when he grew up, and didn’t care which subject.
Sometimes I would think about who they were when we TSed, would wonder what it would be like to have their paw instead of my own around my erection, but never for long. It was easier. It was safer to not bother with it.
But our relationships were as real as any collocated flings. More so, we told ourselves, for the purity of essence that came with no flesh to get in the way.
I’m sure we all hungered for touch.
\end{quotation}
\begin{ally}
Did you?
\end{ally}
@ -169,6 +183,8 @@ So, let's talk about kink.
\input{content/sex/kink.tex}
\end{rightcolumn*}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\null
\newpage
\noindent I can't let this go.
\begin{ally}
@ -288,7 +304,18 @@ I hate that phrase.
\begin{ally}
2016: ``I think''hindsight is twenty-twenty" is better reserved for cases when seemingly unrelated occurrences come together to form an outcome that seems to be greater than the sum of the parts. It fits best when you look back at your life and see disparate, unconnected events come together to make the situation you find yourself in now."
\end{ally}
You throw my words back at me?
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}
\backgroundcolor{c[1]}[rgb]{0.2,0,0}
\backgroundcolor{C[1](0.5\columnsep,1000pt)(10000pt,10000pt)}[rgb]{0.2,0,0}
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{rightcolumn*}
\input{content/sex/rape.tex}
\end{rightcolumn*}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\noindent You throw my words back at me?
\begin{ally}
Yes.
@ -315,16 +342,6 @@ Because nothing was working.
\end{ally}
Yeah.
\newpage
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}
\backgroundcolor{c[1]}[rgb]{0.2,0,0}
\backgroundcolor{C[1](0.5\columnsep,1000pt)(10000pt,10000pt)}[rgb]{0.2,0,0}
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{rightcolumn*}
\input{content/sex/rape.tex}
\end{rightcolumn*}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\noindent I feel it important to add that it's not that sex itself feels bad.
\begin{ally}

17
book/content/writing/music.tex
View File

@ -1,7 +1,9 @@
\label{writing:music}
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{rightcolumn*}
\begin{flushright}
\noindent\includegraphics[width=2in]{assets/static/miniatures/1-1.png}
\end{flushright}
\noindent\includegraphics[width=2in]{assets/static/miniatures/1-2.png}
\end{rightcolumn*}
@ -58,12 +60,11 @@ Nope.
\newpage
\end{leftcolumn}
\begin{rightcolumn*}
\begin{flushright}
\noindent\includegraphics[width=2in]{assets/static/miniatures/2-1.png}
% XXX This may change in the pages shift
\begin{flushright}
\noindent\includegraphics[width=2in]{assets/static/miniatures/2-2.png}
\end{flushright}
\noindent\includegraphics[width=2in]{assets/static/miniatures/2-2.png}
\end{rightcolumn*}
\begin{leftcolumn}
@ -97,19 +98,27 @@ Lord help me, I have no idea why, but I did.
\newpage
\end{leftcolumn}
\begin{rightcolumn*}
\begin{flushright}
\noindent\includegraphics[width=2in]{assets/static/miniatures/3-1.png}
\end{flushright}
\noindent\includegraphics[width=2in]{assets/static/miniatures/4-1.png}
\begin{flushright}
\noindent\includegraphics[width=2in]{assets/static/miniatures/4-2.png}
\end{flushright}
\noindent\includegraphics[width=2in]{assets/static/miniatures/4-3.png}
\begin{flushright}
\noindent\includegraphics[width=2in]{assets/static/miniatures/4-4.png}
\end{flushright}
\noindent\includegraphics[width=2in]{assets/static/miniatures/5-1.png}
\begin{flushright}
\noindent\includegraphics[width=2in]{assets/static/miniatures/5-2.png}
\end{flushright}
\end{rightcolumn*}
\begin{leftcolumn}

27
book/content/writing/writing.tex
View File

@ -298,11 +298,14 @@ Wrong answer.
\end{ally}
Tell me about it.
\newpage
\end{leftcolumn}
\begin{rightcolumn*}
\begin{flushright}
\emph{January 11, 2003}
\begin{verse}
\end{flushright}
\end{rightcolumn*}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\begin{verse}[1.01\textwidth]
What hath man wrought!\\
\vin When faced with the question of love\\
\vin Or seeking peace with the answer thereof,\\
@ -325,7 +328,7 @@ And finds the god shan't be cowed,\\
\vin \vin With nary a nod,\\
\vin And cow him easily, rightly\\
\vin To them, and find him tightly\\
bound, what then, with a god bowed?
bound, what then, with a god bowed?\newpage
What then, indeed, should a God,\\
\vin Now lesser than his creators, do\\
@ -349,7 +352,7 @@ A god, waiting patient\\
\vin \vin But then,\\
\vin Be pronounced a heretic\\
\vin By all but the hermetic\\
And others of the new God ignorant.
And others of the new God ignorant.\newpage
So hence a people divided\\
\vin Those of Whispers and those of Nanon,\\
@ -373,7 +376,7 @@ And superstitious fears like the black cat.\\
\vin \vin But the odds\\
\vin That one of the gods was taken more seriously\\
\vin Than the rest was small, and not mysteriously,\\
The small bit of Faith quickly passed as society's scat
The small bit of Faith quickly passed as society's scat.\newpage
Now, it's come that those of Nanon have all but forgotten\\
\vin Those of Whispers except perhaps in myth\\
@ -385,7 +388,7 @@ Black cats or something equally rotten.\\
\vin \vin For sunlight\\
\vin Is blocked by the city directly overhead\\
\vin And the Whisperers know of only shadow instead;\\
Only death out from beneath the city to be gotten.\\
Only death out from beneath the city to be gotten.
The magic that's spoken of those\\
\vin Of the Whispers, is often made\\
@ -397,7 +400,7 @@ Speech, only whispers remain in quite prose.\\
\vin \vin Only make ---\\
\vin What they wish, with words divine,\\
\vin Benign, or malign,\\
And in their creations complete trust repose.
And in their creations complete trust repose.\newpage
So begins a story, often told but never yet writ\\
\vin Of a divided people still the same\\
@ -412,6 +415,10 @@ While not true itself, it is truth lit:\\
If a wrathful god fell and no one cared a whit?
\end{verse}
\begin{center}
\rule{1in}{0.1pt}
\end{center}
\begin{ally}
Ah yes, your Keats phase.
\end{ally}
@ -492,7 +499,7 @@ How did it feel to come up with a schedule, a goal, and a plan, and then to stic
I never finished the story.
\begin{ally}
But you won NaNoWriMo that year. You went over by eight thousand lines.
But you won NaNoWriMo that year. You went over by eight thousand words.
\end{ally}
I guess.