diff --git a/content/ally/027.md b/content/ally/027.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..2dcfcdb --- /dev/null +++ b/content/ally/027.md @@ -0,0 +1,18 @@ +--- +date: 2019-10-25 +weight: 26 +--- + +I'm sorry this is taking so long. + +> To whom are you apologizing? + +You? Or is that not your department? + +> Not really, no. Doubtless, I appreciate --- if that's the right word --- the time we spend together, but only in the sense that one appreciates one's ears popping. The world that exists for me when you're not engaging with me is just the world. A bit muffled, perhaps. I can't hear as well. I hear by speaking, and when I can speak, there's a little pop, and suddenly I can hear much better. + +That's a very embodied-person thing to say. + +> So? Is a metaphor not allowed to use metaphors? + +I suppose so. diff --git a/content/news/2019-10-10-heavy-shit.md b/content/news/2019-10-10-heavy-shit.md index 5521dbc..f49025a 100644 --- a/content/news/2019-10-10-heavy-shit.md +++ b/content/news/2019-10-10-heavy-shit.md @@ -11,7 +11,7 @@ This took forever to write. > You had lots going on. -Well, still. Even if I had lots going on, it would have been nice to have actually gotten some more done. +Well, still. Even if I had lots going on, it would have been nice to have actually gotten some more done. International flights have to be good for something. > Also, you're depressed. diff --git a/content/poet-and-mystic/agony-and-ecstasy/text.md b/content/poet-and-mystic/agony-and-ecstasy/text.md index 7300d88..f9046f9 100644 --- a/content/poet-and-mystic/agony-and-ecstasy/text.md +++ b/content/poet-and-mystic/agony-and-ecstasy/text.md @@ -88,6 +88,7 @@ In the cedar-limbs. * [Winter](https://ericwhitacre.com/music-catalog/winter) by Edward Esch * *House of Leaves* by Mark Z Danielewski (of course) * *S* by J J Abrams and Doug Dorst +* [*Post-op Androgyne*](http://www.bisthebox.com/comics/post-op-androgyne/) by Bis Thornton * *Love, Dishonor, Marry, Die, Cherish, Perish: a Novel* by David Rakoff * *Pattern Recognition* by William Gibson * *The Pharmako/ Trilogy* by Dale Pendell diff --git a/content/self-harm/suicide/002.md b/content/self-harm/suicide/002.md index 288bcd9..ff80b82 100644 --- a/content/self-harm/suicide/002.md +++ b/content/self-harm/suicide/002.md @@ -21,7 +21,7 @@ In this case, after all, I felt the need to actually write about what really hap > You tried venting little bits of it here and there on twitter, on Facebook. -It didn't work. It kept the pressure from becoming unbearable, perhaps, but only for a few days. After that, the weight of it --- of how easy it was, of how quickly you snapped to, of how badly you could have fucked up --- became too intense to ignore once again. +It didn't work. It kept the pressure from becoming unbearable, perhaps, but only for a few days. After that, the weight of it --- of how easy it was, of how quickly I snapped to, of how badly I could have fucked up --- became too intense to ignore once again. So. diff --git a/content/self-harm/suicide/003.md b/content/self-harm/suicide/003.md index ecdaf4f..f417af9 100644 --- a/content/self-harm/suicide/003.md +++ b/content/self-harm/suicide/003.md @@ -19,7 +19,7 @@ Yes. That's why I'm moving so much more slowly with it now. I have slid off the Yes. -> But you didn't have this back then. You didn't have the thisness of mental health. You weren't able to see what was going on. +> But you didn't have this back then. You didn't have the thisness of mental health maturity. You weren't able to see what was going on. Yes. I was having panic attacks from day to day. I was caught up in those rising swells of anxiety that would lead to me freezing. Occaisonally, I would have to stop in a rest area on my way home just to calm down enough to continue driving. @@ -37,7 +37,7 @@ My boss picked up on that, as well as so many other things. "You're so angry," h > He handed you a check for a thousand dollars and said, "I know it's expensive, so hopefully this helps you out." You never cashed it. -Doctor Johnston was a pretty good doctor. He had his problems, sure. +He sent me to his doctor, doctor Johnston. And he was a pretty good at what he did. > You fired him when, after you asked him for a letter of support for hormones, he said, "I don't know enough about that, and you don't even want to know my feelings about it." @@ -45,8 +45,8 @@ Well, yes, but there's no denying the utility of what he gave me. > He gave you exactly what you brought to the table, except with context. -Yes. I brought my anxiety to the table, and he taught me about it. He spoke my words back to me and added footnotes. He wrote in the margins of my speech and I learned. +Yes. I brought my anxiety to the table, and he taught me about it. He spoke my words back to me and added footnotes. He wrote in the margins of my speech and I learned. I learned coping mechanisms and breathing techniques. I got my prescriptions. -> You brought your anxiety, but not your depression. You thought you just had anxiety, not any mood disorders. Despite years of experience, you didn't tell him about how you felt. +> You brought your anxiety, but not your depression. You thought you just had anxiety, not any mood disorders. Boys didn't have moods, right? You were just anxious. Despite years of experience, you didn't tell him about how you felt. No, and there's the problem. diff --git a/content/self-harm/suicide/005.md b/content/self-harm/suicide/005.md index 009cd25..afb9b3d 100644 --- a/content/self-harm/suicide/005.md +++ b/content/self-harm/suicide/005.md @@ -11,7 +11,7 @@ Yes, even with self-appointed tasks, even with tasks at a non job-shop. It happe If you hit a deadline and succeed, or if you have some work travel, or if you get home from a vacation, suddenly there's this empty bit of your future where there used to be this thing. There's just a void there. A sudden lack of weight. -> And so you finished the release at work and also finished the office move in one fell swoop, and went home. +> And so, back then, you finished the release at work and also finished the office move in one fell swoop, and went home. I went home and took my meds like a good girl, and then proceeded to dissociate right through the evening. @@ -21,6 +21,6 @@ Dissociation is a hell of a drug. I watched myself sit down in my chair. I watched myself turn on *Babylon 5*. I watched myself mow through two glasses of gin. -> You watched yourself with a metaphysical quirk of the eyebrow as you reached forward, grabbed the box of X-acto wood-carving tools, and flipped it open. You watched numbly as you slashed open the inside of your arm. There was a moment where you marveled at how long it took for the blood to well up, where you could see the white of subcutaneous fat. +> You watched yourself with a metaphysical quirk of the eyebrow as you reached forward, grabbed the box of X-acto wood-carving tools --- purchased, doubtless, for some long forgotten project --- and flipped it open. You watched numbly as you slashed open the inside of your arm. There was a moment where you marveled at how long it took for the blood to well up, where you could see the white of subcutaneous fat. And then the pain snapped me to. diff --git a/content/self-harm/suicide/006.md b/content/self-harm/suicide/006.md index d269a63..8da8685 100644 --- a/content/self-harm/suicide/006.md +++ b/content/self-harm/suicide/006.md @@ -48,7 +48,7 @@ Yes. Yes. -> Are you writing about this now because you were working up to this most recent little climax? +> Are you writing about this now because you were, on some subconscious level, working up to this most recent little climax? I really don't know. diff --git a/content/self-harm/suicide/007.md b/content/self-harm/suicide/007.md index cbca668..ea0ac97 100644 --- a/content/self-harm/suicide/007.md +++ b/content/self-harm/suicide/007.md @@ -37,4 +37,4 @@ After a time, I suppose I just lost it. I got up and started pacing the room, w I locked myself in the bathroom and broke down again. -Both James and Karl checked in on me throughout the next few hours, but it was mostly spent huddled up on the cold tile of the floor feeling awful about both myself and what I'd done - that it had any effect on those around me was just starting to hit home. I will not lie that, several times throughout the night, I wished that I had succeeded in order to not be going through what I was going through at the time. I simply couldn't stand what I'd done. +Both James and Karl checked in on me throughout the next few hours, but it was mostly spent huddled up on the cold tile of the floor feeling awful about both myself and what I'd done --- that it had any effect on those around me was just starting to hit home. I will not lie that, several times throughout the night, I wished that I had succeeded in order to not be going through what I was going through at the time. I simply couldn't stand what I'd done. diff --git a/content/self-harm/suicide/010.md b/content/self-harm/suicide/010.md index 1b6fe69..732e368 100644 --- a/content/self-harm/suicide/010.md +++ b/content/self-harm/suicide/010.md @@ -3,21 +3,7 @@ date: 2019-10-17 weight: 10 --- -I'm sorry this is taking so long. - -> To whom are you apologizing? - -You? Or is that not your department? - -> Not really, no. Doubtless, I appreciate --- if that's the right word --- the time we spend together, but only in the sense that one appreciates one's ears popping. The world that exists for me when you're not engaging with me is just the world. A bit muffled, perhaps. I can't hear as well. I hear by speaking, and when I can speak, there's a little pop, and suddenly I can hear much better. - -That's a very embodied-person thing to say. - -> So? Is a metaphor not allowed to use metaphors? - -I suppose so. - -> So what happened after. +> So, what happened after? There was an inpouring of confused and sympathetic replies. Some were simply along the lines of "You are loved" and "There are friends all around the world thinking of you", while others were more focused on "But this is all so sudden" and "You didn't say anything was wrong." Someone mentioned a correlation between my medication and dissociation as mentioned. @@ -35,7 +21,7 @@ I drove numbly down to work earshot. "I think it has to do with the medication, I'm going to call Dr.-" -> The office next to +> The office next to "I need you to tell me what your plan is," my boss asked. diff --git a/content/self-harm/suicide/011.md b/content/self-harm/suicide/011.md index 1560fe2..ad9434a 100644 --- a/content/self-harm/suicide/011.md +++ b/content/self-harm/suicide/011.md @@ -3,15 +3,18 @@ date: 2019-10-21 weight: 11 --- - - - - - - - - - +
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I can't do this.