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This commit is contained in:
Madison Scott-Clary
2020-02-16 14:50:11 -08:00
parent 274b8d683d
commit ac70e112ff
52 changed files with 511 additions and 189 deletions
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book/book.pdf
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book/book.tex
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@ -6,10 +6,10 @@
\input{includes/draft}
\input{includes/frame}
\input{includes/packages}
\input{includes/pagelayout}
\input{includes/geometry}
\input{includes/toc}
\input{includes/font}
\input{includes/pagelayout}
\input{includes/title}
\input{includes/secdiv}
\input{includes/hyphenation}
@ -63,16 +63,10 @@
%%%%%
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\input{content/ally/002.tex}
\input{content/ally/003.tex}
\input{content/ally/004.tex}
\input{content/ally/026.tex}
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\input{content/ally/027.tex}
\input{content/ally/005.tex}
\input{content/ally/006.tex}
@ -80,204 +74,64 @@
\input{content/ally/008.tex}
\input{content/ally/009.tex}
\input{content/ally/010.tex}
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}
\backgroundcolor{c[1]}[rgb]{0.93,0.86,1.0}
\backgroundcolor{C[1](0.5\columnsep,10000pt)(10000pt,10000pt)}[rgb]{0.93,0.86,1.0}
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\input{content/poly.tex}
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}
\backgroundcolor{c[1]}[rgb]{1.0,1.0,1.0}
\backgroundcolor{C[1]}[rgb]{1.0,1.0,1.0}
\backgroundcolor{c[0]}[rgb]{0.93,0.93,0.97}
\backgroundcolor{C[0](10000pt,10000pt)(0.5\columnsep,10000pt)}[rgb]{0.93,0.93,0.97}
\backgroundcolor{c[1]}[rgb]{0.93,0.93,0.97}
\backgroundcolor{C[1](0.5\columnsep,10000pt)(10000pt,10000pt)}[rgb]{0.93,0.93,0.97}
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\input{content/sex/sex.tex}
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}
\backgroundcolor{c[0]}[rgb]{1.0,1.0,1.0}
\backgroundcolor{C[0]}[rgb]{1.0,1.0,1.0}
\backgroundcolor{c[1]}[rgb]{1.0,1.0,1.0}
\backgroundcolor{C[1]}[rgb]{1.0,1.0,1.0}
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\input{content/ally/011.tex}
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\input{content/from-within.tex}
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\input{content/ally/012.tex}
\input{content/ally/013.tex}
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\input{content/furry/furry.tex}
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\input{content/furry/younes.tex}
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\input{content/self-harm/self-harm.tex}
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\input{content/self-harm/suicide.tex}
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\input{content/gender/gender.tex}
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}
\input{content/gender/surgery.tex}
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\input{content/ally/015.tex}
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\input{content/liminal.tex}
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\input{content/dad.tex}
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\input{content/ally/016.tex}
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\input{content/poet-and-mystic.tex}
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\input{content/ally/017.tex}
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\input{content/writing/writing.tex}
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\input{content/writing/music.tex}
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\input{content/ally/018.tex}
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\input{content/writing/software.tex}
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\input{content/ally/019.tex}
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\input{content/ally/020.tex}
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\input{content/ally/021.tex}
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\input{content/ally/022.tex}
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\input{content/ally/023.tex}
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\input{content/movement.tex}
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\input{content/ally/024.tex}
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\input{content/ally/025.tex}
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\input{content/ally/028.tex}
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\input{content/ally/029.tex}
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\input{content/burnout.tex}
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}
\null
\newpage

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book/content/ally/001.tex
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@ -1,3 +1,6 @@
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\noindent What if I tried to write a memoir?
Like.
@ -15,3 +18,6 @@ Myself, I guess.
Well, have at it, then.
\end{ally}
\newpage
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}

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book/content/ally/002.tex
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@ -1,3 +1,6 @@
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\null
\vfill
@ -27,3 +30,6 @@ Well played.
\vfill
\newpage
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}

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book/content/ally/003.tex
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@ -1,3 +1,6 @@
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\begin{ally}
Do you remember when you met me?
\end{ally}
@ -87,3 +90,6 @@ You're as chipper now as you were then.
Yes, but a different kind.
\end{ally}
\newpage
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}

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book/content/ally/004.tex
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@ -1,3 +1,6 @@
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\begin{ally}
Why am I here?
\end{ally}
@ -130,3 +133,5 @@ And have you figured out your present?
For me to pull out that trite quote about my own personal history speaks pretty well to my fears of doing things accidentally. I've certainly figured out my present better than twice-seven-years-ago me had figured out his.
\newpage
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}

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book/content/ally/005.tex
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@ -1,3 +1,6 @@
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\noindent When 2007 rolled around, I turned 21. \emph{What if,} I thought to myself. \emph{What if I decided to see what it feels like to be addicted to something?}
By that point, alcohol was this nebulous thing. I'd roped a few people into getting me alcohol now and then, and it was fine. I'd started brewing and it was whatever. I had beer and it was alright. I went through a mead phase--
@ -72,3 +75,5 @@ That, coming from you, is a glowing endorsement.
You may have been more of a person when you started than when you stopped, but you weren't much of one, even then.
\end{ally}
\newpage
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}

5
book/content/ally/006.tex
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@ -1,3 +1,6 @@
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\noindent When I was young, back before I knew what mental health entailed, what anxiety and abuse and depression really meant, I was convinced I was having semi-regular mental breakdowns. That was the phrase I used then, because I was unsure of what it meant to have a panic attack.
This was before LiveJournal, of course. This was before I was writing on the internet, or even really on the internet at all. This was before you.
@ -34,3 +37,5 @@ He was half-right.
I suppose he was.
\newpage
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}

5
book/content/ally/007.tex
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@ -1,3 +1,6 @@
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\noindent I think of myself as a trans woman, not a woman. I think of past me as male, not female. To an extent, I think of past me as cisgender. I was a guy. I was that gay guy who tumbled out the other side of puberty and was left to figure out what the fuck. I am not who I was.
\begin{ally}
@ -36,3 +39,5 @@ Have you answered Theseus' question?
I don't know.
\newpage
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}

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book/content/ally/008.tex
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@ -1,4 +1,4 @@
\end{leftcolumn}
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{rightcolumn*}
\emph{July 2nd, 2004, shortly after midnight}
\end{rightcolumn*}
@ -177,3 +177,6 @@ A sigil need not just be lines and curves.
Or maybe it's just mania.
\end{ally}
It may be.
\newpage
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}

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book/content/ally/009.tex
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@ -1,3 +1,6 @@
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\begin{ally}
Tell me about mania.
\end{ally}
@ -51,3 +54,6 @@ Let's get into mania later. We owe each other that. For now, bed. And tomorrow,
\begin{ally}
Ah yes. Polyamory. Known for being easy peasy, lemon squeezy.
\end{ally}
\newpage
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}

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book/content/ally/010.tex
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@ -1,3 +1,6 @@
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\noindent The first time I remember thinking about polyamory--
\begin{ally}
@ -37,3 +40,5 @@ To poly?
\end{ally}
To poly.
\newpage
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}

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book/content/ally/011.tex
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@ -1,3 +1,6 @@
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\null
\vfill
\begin{ally}
@ -6,3 +9,6 @@ Let's talk about mania.
Fine.
\vfill
\newpage
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}

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book/content/ally/012.tex
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@ -1,3 +1,6 @@
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\null
\vfill
\begin{ally}
@ -5,3 +8,6 @@ Thank you.
\end{ally}
\vfill
\newpage
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}

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book/content/ally/013.tex
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@ -1,3 +1,6 @@
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\null
\vfill
\noindent Can we talk about something else? Please?
@ -8,3 +11,6 @@ Something lighter?
Something softer.
\vfill
\newpage
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}

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book/content/ally/015.tex
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@ -1,5 +1,11 @@
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\null
\vfill
\noindent And so we find ourselves in a place between.
\vfill
\newpage
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}

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book/content/ally/016.tex
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@ -1,3 +1,6 @@
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\null
\vfill
\begin{ally}
@ -11,3 +14,6 @@ Ain't that just the way of things?
\end{ally}
\vfill
\newpage
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}

6
book/content/ally/017.tex
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@ -1,3 +1,6 @@
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\noindent Let's talk about writing.
\begin{ally}
@ -10,3 +13,6 @@ Of course not.
\end{ally}
Upwards and inwards.
\newpage
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}

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book/content/ally/018.tex
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@ -1,3 +1,6 @@
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\begin{ally}
You are unsettled in your identity.\\
Boy $\rightarrow$ enby $\rightarrow$ girl $\rightarrow$ trans woman.\\
@ -31,3 +34,6 @@ Should I?
Should you?
\end{ally}
\newpage
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}

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book/content/ally/019.tex
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@ -1,3 +1,6 @@
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\noindent The tragic core to all this, to this whole project, is that I am not an interesting person. Or maybe interesting, but unremarkable.
\begin{ally}
@ -43,3 +46,6 @@ Are you thinking of ending this project?
Not at all. I've got a list of side quests I need to complete in order to make you happy, and their very nature makes it easy to complete. One or two thousand words, an hour or two's conversation with you, and then they're done and I don't have to pick up where I left off.
I'm just tired.
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}

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book/content/ally/020.tex
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@ -1,3 +1,6 @@
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\begin{ally}
Let me ask this another way, perhaps. Why are we doing this? Why are we talking? Why did you start?
\end{ally}
@ -144,3 +147,6 @@ But you are my ally.
I am your ally.
\end{ally}
\newpage
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}

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book/content/ally/021.tex
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@ -1,3 +1,6 @@
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\begin{ally}
When you started this project, several people asked if you were okay.
\end{ally}
@ -68,3 +71,6 @@ This is going nowhere.
\end{ally}
Maybe, but maybe that's the point.
\newpage
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}

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book/content/ally/022.tex
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@ -1,3 +1,6 @@
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\noindent My turn.
\begin{ally}
@ -51,3 +54,6 @@ An honest one? A true one? A worthwhile one?
Sort of.
Maybe I think it's an earnest one. One that was borne out of a real desire, birthed by a need beyond what might be imbued by hypomania. A more grounded need, not one based in those non-Newtonian laws that govern that other space, where mechanics break down and strange energies spring, palladial, into being.
\newpage
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}

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book/content/ally/023.tex
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@ -1,3 +1,6 @@
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\noindent Have you gotten that out of your system?
\begin{ally}
@ -39,3 +42,5 @@ Fine. Weight? Surgery? Dyskinesia?
Tell me about the dyskinesia and the tic and the akathesia. Tell me about St.~Vitus' Dance. Tell me about the aching necessity of movement.
\end{ally}
\newpage
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}

5
book/content/ally/024.tex
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@ -1,3 +1,6 @@
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\noindent Do you hate me?
\begin{ally}
@ -34,3 +37,5 @@ That might just be the kindest thing you've said to me.
Not my department.
\end{ally}
\newpage
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}

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book/content/ally/025.tex
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@ -1,3 +1,6 @@
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\begin{ally}
You were gone.
\end{ally}
@ -28,3 +31,5 @@ I wasn't gone.
\end{ally}
I know. It's not even like when we don't talk. You were there. I just wasn't able to engage, and that's an integral part of our relationship. It happens from moment to moment. It is not something that exists in any sense of permanence or stasis. It is defined by movement and momentum.
\newpage
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}

5
book/content/ally/026.tex
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@ -1,3 +1,6 @@
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\noindent Apophenia
\begin{ally}
@ -54,3 +57,5 @@ So, are you?
Anything else is just pareidolia.
\end{ally}
\newpage
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}

5
book/content/ally/027.tex
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@ -1,3 +1,6 @@
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\noindent I'm sorry this is taking so long.
\begin{ally}
@ -15,3 +18,5 @@ So? Is a metaphor not allowed to use metaphors?
\end{ally}
I suppose so.
\newpage
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}

5
book/content/ally/028.tex
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@ -1,3 +1,6 @@
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\begin{ally}
Do you ever find yourself getting angry at me?
\end{ally}
@ -51,3 +54,5 @@ How does one do that?
Every ally does it in a different way. I do it by talking. By asking and poking and prodding.
\end{ally}
\newpage
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}

5
book/content/ally/029.tex
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@ -1,3 +1,6 @@
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\begin{quote}
Where did you go?
\end{quote}
@ -43,3 +46,5 @@ Let's talk about burnout, shall we?
\end{quote}
We probably better had.
\newpage
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}

4
book/content/burnout.tex
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@ -1,3 +1,5 @@
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\noindent How did I get here?
\begin{ally}
@ -208,3 +210,5 @@ Would you still be composing?
\end{ally}
I don't know.
\newpage
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}

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book/content/dad.tex
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@ -1,3 +1,10 @@
\backgroundcolor{c[0]}[HTML]{cccccc}
\backgroundcolor{C[0](10000pt,10000pt)(0.6\columnsep,10000pt)}[HTML]{cccccc}
\backgroundcolor{c[1]}[HTML]{cccccc}
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\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}
@ -282,6 +289,7 @@ Will you feel left out?
Maybe. Will you?
\end{ally}
I guess.
\newpage
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}
@ -1016,3 +1024,6 @@ Do you ever worry that maybe he should be forgiven?
Oh, \emph{constantly}.
\vfill
\newpage
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}
\resetbackgroundcolor

70
book/content/from-within.tex
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@ -1,6 +1,18 @@
\renewfontfamily\pagenumfont{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=CCDDCCFF]
\backgroundcolor{c[0]}[HTML]{333a18}
\backgroundcolor{C[0](10000pt,10000pt)(0.6\columnsep,10000pt)}[HTML]{333a18}
\backgroundcolor{c[1]}[HTML]{333a18}
\backgroundcolor{C[1](0.6\columnsep,10000pt)(10000pt,10000pt)}[HTML]{333a18}
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\fontspec{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=CCDDCCFF,Ligatures=TeX]
\renewfontfamily\allyFont{Merriweather Sans}[Scale=0.9,Color=EEFFEEFF,Ligatures=TeX]
% background: '#333a18'
% color: '#cdc'
% quote: '#efe'
\noindent Somewhere around 2014, a friend of mine went mad.
\begin{ally}
@ -44,7 +56,6 @@ Getting that call in 2014, hearing those words that spoke of a different reality
And\ldots{}
\newpage
% background: '#333a18'
% color: '#cdc'
% quote: '#efe'
@ -129,6 +140,18 @@ Let's talk about mania.
Okay.
\newpage
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}
\backgroundcolor{c[0]}[HTML]{283a26}
\backgroundcolor{C[0](10000pt,10000pt)(0.6\columnsep,10000pt)}[HTML]{283a26}
\backgroundcolor{c[1]}[HTML]{283a26}
\backgroundcolor{C[1](0.6\columnsep,10000pt)(10000pt,10000pt)}[HTML]{283a26}
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\fontspec{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=CCDDCCFF,Ligatures=TeX]
\renewfontfamily\allyFont{Merriweather Sans}[Scale=0.9,Color=EEFFEEFF,Ligatures=TeX]
% background: "#283a26"
% color: '#cdc'
@ -184,6 +207,20 @@ Having experienced it from the outside, and having experienced the world sliding
And\ldots{}
\newpage
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}
\renewfontfamily\pagenumfont{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=BBCCBBFF]
\backgroundcolor{c[0]}[HTML]{082a16}
\backgroundcolor{C[0](10000pt,10000pt)(0.6\columnsep,10000pt)}[HTML]{082a16}
\backgroundcolor{c[1]}[HTML]{082a16}
\backgroundcolor{C[1](0.6\columnsep,10000pt)(10000pt,10000pt)}[HTML]{082a16}
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\fontspec{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=BBCCBBFF,Ligatures=TeX]
\renewfontfamily\allyFont{Merriweather Sans}[Scale=0.9,Color=DDEEDDFF,Ligatures=TeX]
% background: "#082a16"
% color: '#bcb'
@ -207,6 +244,20 @@ There's this tinny scent to the air. There's this burning, burning sensation, bu
And\ldots{}
\newpage
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}
\renewfontfamily\pagenumfont{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=AABBAAFF]
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\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\fontspec{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=AABBAAFF,Ligatures=TeX]
\renewfontfamily\allyFont{Merriweather Sans}[Scale=0.9,Color=CCDDCCFF,Ligatures=TeX]
% background: "#082010"
% color: '#aba'
@ -231,6 +282,18 @@ And if I stop, I'll surely die.
And?
\end{ally}
\newpage
\end{leftcolumn}
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\backgroundcolor{C[1](0.6\columnsep,10000pt)(10000pt,10000pt)}[HTML]{001a06}
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\fontspec{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=AABBAAFF,Ligatures=TeX]
\renewfontfamily\allyFont{Merriweather Sans}[Scale=0.9,Color=CCDDCCFF,Ligatures=TeX]
% background: "#001a06"
% color: '#aba'
@ -258,3 +321,8 @@ I'm sorry.
\end{ally}
Let's go back, please.
\newpage
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}
\resetbackgroundcolor
\renewfontfamily\pagenumfont{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=000000FF]

5
book/content/furry/furry.tex
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@ -1,3 +1,6 @@
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\noindent A lot of times, when furries talk, they talk about their fursoñas as their ideal selves. I've found that it's more likely that their fursoñas are them at their most normal, most natural, most earnest.
It's strange that this venue seen as escapist by even its own members is basically just a means of exploring what it means to be earnest in an ironic world.
@ -376,3 +379,5 @@ Yeah, though you've certainly changed the tenor of it. The mood.
No one said this project would be easy.
\end{ally}
\newpage
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}

5
book/content/furry/younes.tex
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@ -1,3 +1,6 @@
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\noindent Back in 2011 and 2012, I started to really loathe being me.
\begin{ally}
@ -167,3 +170,5 @@ Let's talk about TIASAP.
\end{ally}
Yes.
\newpage
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}

5
book/content/gender/gender.tex
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@ -1,3 +1,6 @@
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\begin{ally}
How did we get here?
\end{ally}
@ -362,3 +365,5 @@ What? Why?
You're proud. For the first time, you're proud of who you are.
\end{ally}
\newpage
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}

16
book/content/induction.tex
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@ -1,10 +1,10 @@
% TODO just fuck me up tbh
\noindent {\Large\fontspec{Merriweather Sans}[Scale=0.9,Color=000000FF,Ligatures=TeX] Let's think about a meditation session with you lying down and me sitting next to you and just how it feels to hear your feelings and how it works to let go of what you know as we think about a meditation session with you lying down and me sitting next to you.}
{\large\fontspec{Merriweather Sans}[Scale=0.9,Color=222222FF,Ligatures=TeX] Let's dream about the words we use for the numbers we count to relax the mind which focuses so readily on those numbers, counting slowly down from ten, your mind immediately reaching for}
{\normalsize\fontspec{Merriweather Sans}[Scale=0.9,Color=444444FF,Ligatures=TeX] nine, which is a fine number but always looked hungry to me and so follows eight which knows just what it ate to feel full, and down onto seven lucky seven which is what you need to get what you need but take away one and you get three plus three or three times two which is six and after that five, five fingers on each hand and toes on each foot, five the sum of the Trinity and the duality,}
{\fontspec{Merriweather Sans}[Scale=0.9,Color=666666FF,Ligatures=TeX] and lets take a look at a meditation session as seen from above with you laying down and me sitting next to you
\noindent {\Large\fontspec{Merriweather Sans}[Scale=0.9,Color=EEEEEEFF,Ligatures=TeX] Let's think about a meditation session with you lying down and me sitting next to you and just how it feels to hear your feelings and how it works to let go of what you know as we think about a meditation session with you lying down and me sitting next to you.}
{\large\fontspec{Merriweather Sans}[Scale=0.9,Color=DDDDDDFF,Ligatures=TeX] Let's dream about the words we use for the numbers we count to relax the mind which focuses so readily on those numbers, counting slowly down from ten, your mind immediately reaching for}
{\normalsize\fontspec{Merriweather Sans}[Scale=0.9,Color=BBBBBBFF,Ligatures=TeX] nine, which is a fine number but always looked hungry to me and so follows eight which knows just what it ate to feel full, and down onto seven lucky seven which is what you need to get what you need but take away one and you get three plus three or three times two which is six and after that five, five fingers on each hand and toes on each foot, five the sum of the Trinity and the duality,}
{\fontspec{Merriweather Sans}[Scale=0.9,Color=AAAAAAFF,Ligatures=TeX] and lets take a look at a meditation session as seen from above with you laying down and me sitting next to you
speaking in words like tangled coils of repetition hidden beneath sibilant esses and susurrating syllables that tug at you this way and that with tangled coils of repetition beneath murmured words and suggestions and half sentences that double back on each other in tangled coils of repetition reinforcing small hints that have you letting go and then we can move on}
{\small\fontspec{Merriweather Sans}[Scale=0.9,Color=777777FF,Ligatures=TeX] to four but not two fours as that'd be eight whom we already met, but you can think of it as two twos or two to the power of two, too, if that helps you and now we're relaxing into a meditation session with you lying down and me sitting next to you where we're starting to feel our breath slow and our muscles relax, feeling calm and still, feeling ourselves light upon the bed.}
{\footnotesize\fontspec{Merriweather Sans}[Scale=0.9,Color=888888FF,Ligatures=TeX] And now we're at three, a Trinity, the trilogy of relaxation, calmness, and lightness, feeling each of those rise up in intensity until we get down to}
{\scriptsize\fontspec{Merriweather Sans}[Scale=0.9,Color=999999FF,Ligatures=TeX] two, a duality that forms the outer self that moves in the world and the inner self which is at peace, calmness and light and relaxation reaching for a plateau, and then cresting to find}
{\tiny\fontspec{Merriweather Sans}[Scale=0.9,Color=AAAAAAFF,Ligatures=TeX] one, the unity of all things, and now we're so light and calm and relaxed that we can feel whole, as a singular consciousness, and also at one with the greatness that surrounds us day by day.}
{\small\fontspec{Merriweather Sans}[Scale=0.9,Color=888888FF,Ligatures=TeX] to four but not two fours as that'd be eight whom we already met, but you can think of it as two twos or two to the power of two, too, if that helps you and now we're relaxing into a meditation session with you lying down and me sitting next to you where we're starting to feel our breath slow and our muscles relax, feeling calm and still, feeling ourselves light upon the bed.}
{\footnotesize\fontspec{Merriweather Sans}[Scale=0.9,Color=777777FF,Ligatures=TeX] And now we're at three, a Trinity, the trilogy of relaxation, calmness, and lightness, feeling each of those rise up in intensity until we get down to}
{\scriptsize\fontspec{Merriweather Sans}[Scale=0.9,Color=666666FF,Ligatures=TeX] two, a duality that forms the outer self that moves in the world and the inner self which is at peace, calmness and light and relaxation reaching for a plateau, and then cresting to find}
{\tiny\fontspec{Merriweather Sans}[Scale=0.9,Color=555555FF,Ligatures=TeX] one, the unity of all things, and now we're so light and calm and relaxed that we can feel whole, as a singular consciousness, and also at one with the greatness that surrounds us day by day.}

2
book/content/jay.tex
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@ -1,4 +1,4 @@
\fontspec{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=222288FF]
\fontspec{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=222288FF,Ligatures=TeX]
\renewfontfamily\allyFont{Merriweather Sans}[Scale=0.9,Color=4444AAFF,Ligatures=TeX]
\noindent Mom and Jay got married when I was in elementary school. Fourth grade, maybe? It's a bit hazy.

5
book/content/liminal.tex
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@ -1,3 +1,6 @@
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\begin{ally}
If Matthew died on September 6th, 2012, was Madison born then?
\end{ally}
@ -365,3 +368,5 @@ Tell me about the dress.
\end{ally}
It's not even about the dress.
\newpage
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}

17
book/content/movement.tex
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@ -1,3 +1,15 @@
\renewfontfamily\pagenumfont{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=220000FF]
\backgroundcolor{c[0]}[HTML]{e6e6fa}
\backgroundcolor{C[0](10000pt,10000pt)(0.6\columnsep,10000pt)}[HTML]{e6e6fa}
\backgroundcolor{c[1]}[HTML]{e6e6fa}
\backgroundcolor{C[1](0.6\columnsep,10000pt)(10000pt,10000pt)}[HTML]{e6e6fa}
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\fontspec{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=220000FF,Ligatures=TeX]
\renewfontfamily\allyFont{Merriweather Sans}[Scale=0.9,Color=442222FF,Ligatures=TeX]
\noindent I will be the first to admit that it is difficult to write about mental health, as is certainly evidenced here already, and in countless other projects where I've tried to get that across. Even when talking about it, my voice is filled with ellipses and my words littered with hedges, fillers, and all sorts of metalinguistic dross.
\begin{ally}
@ -545,3 +557,8 @@ It's not your fault either, you know.
\end{ally}
On an intellectual level, sure. I know. On some deeper level, obviously I don't. Or can't.
\newpage
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}
\resetbackgroundcolor
\renewfontfamily\pagenumfont{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=000000FF]

150
book/content/poet-and-mystic.tex
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@ -1,9 +1,17 @@
\end{leftcolumn}
\renewfontfamily\pagenumfont{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=CCCCDDFF]
\backgroundcolor{c[0]}[HTML]{2f082a}
\backgroundcolor{C[0](10000pt,10000pt)(0.6\columnsep,10000pt)}[HTML]{2f082a}
\backgroundcolor{c[1]}[HTML]{2f082a}
\backgroundcolor{C[1](0.6\columnsep,10000pt)(10000pt,10000pt)}[HTML]{2f082a}
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{rightcolumn*}
\input{content/induction.tex}
\end{rightcolumn*}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\fontspec{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=CCCCDDFF,Ligatures=TeX]
\renewfontfamily\allyFont{Merriweather Sans}[Scale=0.9,Color=EEEEFFFF,Ligatures=TeX]
\noindent \emph{Here is the difference betwixt the poet and the mystic, that the last nails a symbol to one sense, which was a true sense for a moment, but soon becomes old and false. For all symbols are fluxional; all language is vehicular and transitive, and is good, as ferries and horses are, for conveyance, not as farms and houses are, for homestead. Mysticism consists in the mistake of an accidental and individual symbol for an universal one.}
\begin{ally}
@ -43,27 +51,29 @@ You make a terrible mystic. Your poetry's just okay.
\end{leftcolumn}
\begin{rightcolumn*}
\fontspec{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=CCCCDDFF,Ligatures=TeX]
\renewfontfamily\allyFont{Merriweather Sans}[Scale=0.9,Color=EEEEFFFF,Ligatures=TeX]
\begin{verse}[1.01\textwidth]
\small
Seven flies circle,\\
Trimmers chatter down the block:\\
The hum of summer.
{\fontspec{Merriweather Sans Italic}[Scale=0.9,Color=444444FF,Ligatures=TeX] \vin I listen, silent, waiting,\\
{\fontspec{Merriweather Sans Italic}[Scale=0.9,Color=EEEEEEFF,Ligatures=TeX] \vin I listen, silent, waiting,\\
\vin Breathing in sun and out shade.}
Fig leaves like fingers\\
paw feebly through still hot air\\
and come up with naught.
{\fontspec{Merriweather Sans Italic}[Scale=0.9,Color=444444FF,Ligatures=TeX] \vin Too early for fruit to droop,\\
{\fontspec{Merriweather Sans Italic}[Scale=0.9,Color=EEEEEEFF,Ligatures=TeX] \vin Too early for fruit to droop,\\
\vin we must wait past midsummer.}
And I walk until\\
all I can hear is the wind\\
among the fir trees.
{\fontspec{Merriweather Sans Italic}[Scale=0.9,Color=444444FF,Ligatures=TeX] \vin Summer breezes bear away\\
{\fontspec{Merriweather Sans Italic}[Scale=0.9,Color=EEEEEEFF,Ligatures=TeX] \vin Summer breezes bear away\\
\vin all the choices of years past.}
Drink deep of death-thoughts\\
@ -72,7 +82,8 @@ You make a terrible mystic. Your poetry's just okay.
\end{verse}
\end{rightcolumn*}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\fontspec{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=CCCCDDFF,Ligatures=TeX]
\renewfontfamily\allyFont{Merriweather Sans}[Scale=0.9,Color=EEEEFFFF,Ligatures=TeX]
\noindent How can I capture that essence of stillness? How can I become nothing?
\begin{ally}
@ -113,34 +124,44 @@ Clay between fingertips.
\end{leftcolumn}
\begin{rightcolumn*}
\begin{flushright}
\fontspec{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=CCCCDDFF,Ligatures=TeX]
\renewfontfamily\allyFont{Merriweather Sans}[Scale=0.9,Color=EEEEFFFF,Ligatures=TeX]
\emph{March 10, 2004}
\end{flushright}
\end{rightcolumn*}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\begin{quotation}
\fontspec{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=CCCCDDFF,Ligatures=TeX]
\renewfontfamily\allyFont{Merriweather Sans}[Scale=0.9,Color=EEEEFFFF,Ligatures=TeX]
\noindent We wandered around for a bit before ending up sprawled in a fire-escape at FHS with Shannon in my lap, me in Ash's lap, and Andrew in Kiran's lap. Andrew ditched to go shooting with Ash and Kiran, while I went to bomb a history test. That's when things started getting really weird. I had a percoset relapse (whether that's what it was or not, it felt oddly similar to the real thing: an incurable itch buried beneath my skin, to the point where I can't actually scratch it) near the end of the period, and then in choir I imploded from empathy - so many emotions from others that I had no room for my own. Then, horns grew from my chest and head, and wings from my back; a giant fox escaped, left, and exploded into a thousand birds over Viele. Mind you, none of this really happened, but I sure felt strange. During latin, I exploded from empathy in a patchwork swirl of colors while Starin et al. stared on as I banged my head against the desk. Ms. Gibert didn't notice. I yelled for help inaudibly and searched out white points of light in the black silhouette of Boulder. I yelled for Ash and searched for Moondog.
Afterwards, I figured out how to regain control (mostly) and just in time for the bell to ring. I got a small mocha at Cafe Sole, got eaten by small greenish crystals on a table while supposed psychics did fairy readings from a kids book, and here I am, about to take a shower and get ready for Great Works rehearsal, and then group, whereupon I shall request to Reiki Moondog (again) during the speakers board on gay marriage. Hopefully I don't ex-/im-plode again ^^
\end{quotation}
Afterwards, I figured out how to regain control (mostly) and just in time for the bell to ring. I got a small mocha at Cafe Sole, got eaten by small greenish crystals on a table while supposed psychics did fairy readings from a kids book, and here I am, about to take a shower and get ready for Great Works rehearsal, and then group, whereupon I shall request to Reiki Moondog (again) during the speakers board on gay marriage. Hopefully I don't ex-/im-plode again \^{}\^{}
\newpage
\end{leftcolumn}
\begin{rightcolumn*}
\fontspec{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=CCCCDDFF,Ligatures=TeX]
\renewfontfamily\allyFont{Merriweather Sans}[Scale=0.9,Color=EEEEFFFF,Ligatures=TeX]
\begin{flushright}
\emph{April 12, 2004}
\end{flushright}
\end{rightcolumn*}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\fontspec{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=CCCCDDFF,Ligatures=TeX]
\renewfontfamily\allyFont{Merriweather Sans}[Scale=0.9,Color=EEEEFFFF,Ligatures=TeX]
\begin{quotation}
\noindent You have come, finally, to a safe place. You have arrived at the point where it counts most, the point at which Life itself seems to fall away, leaving behind nothing of it's former shell: that blackened husk of body and mind that housed a bright bright star. Years and years, it took, places and places and each day offering good and bad, but you, lucky you, saw past that, saw beyond the grid of your perception to see inside others, touching and caressing the bright points of light that were essentially them, cherishing each for not only their good points, but for their faults as well. The energy flowed around and through you in the concentric spirals of the labyrinth and the Bat Qol kept you clean and pure with the voice of God and the Buddha in me to the Buddha in you weaved everything under the sun into Life itself. This is Rapture.
\end{quotation}
\newpage
\end{leftcolumn}
\begin{rightcolumn*}
\fontspec{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=CCCCDDFF,Ligatures=TeX]
\renewfontfamily\allyFont{Merriweather Sans}[Scale=0.9,Color=EEEEFFFF,Ligatures=TeX]
\begin{flushright}
\emph{June 7, 2004}
\end{flushright}
\end{rightcolumn*}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\fontspec{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=CCCCDDFF,Ligatures=TeX]
\renewfontfamily\allyFont{Merriweather Sans}[Scale=0.9,Color=EEEEFFFF,Ligatures=TeX]
\begin{quotation}
\noindent I'd like to chant, perhaps Emmeleia.
@ -185,11 +206,15 @@ Damn straight.
\newpage
\end{leftcolumn}
\begin{rightcolumn*}
\fontspec{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=CCCCDDFF,Ligatures=TeX]
\renewfontfamily\allyFont{Merriweather Sans}[Scale=0.9,Color=EEEEFFFF,Ligatures=TeX]
\begin{flushright}
\emph{October 5, 2004}
\end{flushright}
\end{rightcolumn*}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\fontspec{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=CCCCDDFF,Ligatures=TeX]
\renewfontfamily\allyFont{Merriweather Sans}[Scale=0.9,Color=EEEEFFFF,Ligatures=TeX]
\begin{quotation}
\noindent Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani.
@ -233,7 +258,7 @@ Yes, but it is important that you make it.
\end{ally}
\emph{It's the immediacy, the seamless immediacy\ldots{}}
\noindent It's about meaning and self. It's about defining where your boundaries are; your physical boundaries, your mental boundaries, your spiritual and emotional boundaries. It's about that ground-state training that you undergo so that you might step just a bit to the side. An inch. A mile. An age.
It's about meaning and self. It's about defining where your boundaries are; your physical boundaries, your mental boundaries, your spiritual and emotional boundaries. It's about that ground-state training that you undergo so that you might step just a bit to the side. An inch. A mile. An age.
It's about breathing in for the count of four, holding for the count of two, breathing out for the count of four, holding for the count of two. It's about feeling where your feet touch the ground. It's about drawing a straight line from your center of gravity to the center of the world. It's about becoming totally present.
@ -288,12 +313,33 @@ You're not very focused.
%%%%%
\renewfontfamily\pagenumfont{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=000000FF]
\backgroundcolor{c[0]}[HTML]{aaaaaa}
\backgroundcolor{C[0](10000pt,10000pt)(0.6\columnsep,10000pt)}[HTML]{aaaaaa}
\backgroundcolor{c[1]}[HTML]{aaaaaa}
\backgroundcolor{C[1](0.6\columnsep,10000pt)(10000pt,10000pt)}[HTML]{aaaaaa}
\begin{paracol}{2}
\fontspec{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=000000FF,Ligatures=TeX]
\renewfontfamily\allyFont{Merriweather Sans}[Scale=0.9,Color=000000FF,Ligatures=TeX]
\null
\vfill
\noindent overflowing
\begin{center}
overflowing
\end{center}
\vfill
\newpage
\end{paracol}
\renewfontfamily\pagenumfont{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=CCCCCCFF]
\backgroundcolor{c[0]}[HTML]{666666}
\backgroundcolor{C[0](10000pt,10000pt)(0.6\columnsep,10000pt)}[HTML]{666666}
\backgroundcolor{c[1]}[HTML]{666666}
\backgroundcolor{C[1](0.6\columnsep,10000pt)(10000pt,10000pt)}[HTML]{666666}
\begin{paracol}{2}
\fontspec{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=CCCCCCFF,Ligatures=TeX]
\renewfontfamily\allyFont{Merriweather Sans}[Scale=0.9,Color=CCCCCCFF,Ligatures=TeX]
\null
\vfill
\begin{center}
@ -301,12 +347,22 @@ You're not very focused.
\end{center}
\vfill
\newpage
\end{paracol}
\renewfontfamily\pagenumfont{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=777777FF]
\backgroundcolor{c[0]}[HTML]{000000}
\backgroundcolor{C[0](10000pt,10000pt)(0.6\columnsep,10000pt)}[HTML]{000000}
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\begin{paracol}{2}
\fontspec{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=666666FF,Ligatures=TeX]
\renewfontfamily\allyFont{Merriweather Sans}[Scale=0.9,Color=777777FF,Ligatures=TeX]
\null
\vfill
\begin{flushright}
\begin{center}
words
\end{flushright}
\end{center}
\vfill
\newpage
@ -337,7 +393,7 @@ the face of god
\newpage
\begin{verse}[1.01\textwidth]
I was born at the edge of the numinous.
I was born at the edge of the numinous.\vspace{-7pt}
That is why I can tread along the border.\\
That is why I'm able to whisper the name of God.\\
@ -345,9 +401,9 @@ the face of god
That is why I have seven fingers spread wide and three curled toward my heart.\\
That is why my limbs trace the curves and lines of power when I dance.\\
That is why I sit with my back to the sun in summer.\\
That is why my body is a canvas.
That is why my body is a canvas.\vspace{-7pt}
You were born in sunlight.
You were born in sunlight.\vspace{-7pt}
Speak secrets into my hair.\\
Take my words from me.\\
@ -355,9 +411,9 @@ the face of god
Break my dystonia with a breath.\\
Wash my face with salt water.\\
Tell me the name you call yourself.\\
Close my eyes.
Close my eyes.\vspace{-7pt}
We will sleep in the shade.
We will sleep in the shade.\vspace{-7pt}
Let me bless you with smoke.\\
Let me bathe your feet.\\
@ -453,12 +509,25 @@ the face of god
The only time I know my true name is when I pray.
\end{verse}
\vfill
\newpage
\flushpage
\end{paracol}
%%%%%
\renewfontfamily\pagenumfont{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=CCCCDDFF]
\backgroundcolor{c[0]}[HTML]{2f082a}
\backgroundcolor{C[0](10000pt,10000pt)(0.6\columnsep,10000pt)}[HTML]{2f082a}
\backgroundcolor{c[1]}[HTML]{2f082a}
\backgroundcolor{C[1](0.6\columnsep,10000pt)(10000pt,10000pt)}[HTML]{2f082a}
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\fontspec{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=CCCCDDFF,Ligatures=TeX]
\renewfontfamily\allyFont{Merriweather Sans}[Scale=0.9,Color=EEEEFFFF,Ligatures=TeX]
\null
\vfill
\begin{ally}
@ -483,9 +552,21 @@ Unwind the maze by keeping your right hand on the wall. Pray that the walls do n
Speak thrice, and enter.
\end{ally}
\newpage
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}
\null
\vspace{1cm}
%%%%%
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\begin{paracol}{2}
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\begin{leftcolumn}
\noindent There was a sort of succulent quality to the air, as though, were I to bite down on it, it would all come bursting forth at once. Dribble down my chin. Stain my shirt. It would be sweet, almost saccharine. It would beg for a pinch of salt to quell all that sweetness.
I didn't know whether or not I'd be able to stomach it, honestly. I was dizzy. I was apart from myself. Above, and beside. I was looking down at myself. Were I to do so, to bite into time itself, I would surely overflow.
@ -554,6 +635,26 @@ When I got home, I lay them in a row, asked my questions, and, one by one, broke
I had forgotten about the birds until recently, but every time I feel that ecstasy --- that ekstasis --- I am pitch. I am tar. I am sticky with apology. I am the living embodiment of ``I'm sorry''.
\newpage
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}
\resetbackgroundcolor
%%%%%
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\backgroundcolor{c[0]}[HTML]{2f082a}
\backgroundcolor{C[0](10000pt,10000pt)(0.6\columnsep,10000pt)}[HTML]{2f082a}
\backgroundcolor{c[1]}[HTML]{2f082a}
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\fontspec{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=CCCCDDFF,Ligatures=TeX]
\renewfontfamily\allyFont{Merriweather Sans}[Scale=0.9,Color=EEEEFFFF,Ligatures=TeX]
\null
\noindent I'm tired. I'm so tired. I'm tired and I'm upset and I'm lost.
@ -573,3 +674,8 @@ You tried.
It's not, but it's important that you have tried.
\end{ally}
\newpage
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}
\resetbackgroundcolor
\renewfontfamily\pagenumfont{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=000000FF]

11
book/content/poly.tex
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@ -1,4 +1,9 @@
My parents put me through three divorces. My mother and father divorced when I was very young. Young to the point where I don't remember them being married. I remember finding a picture of them walking with their arms around each other's backs. Dad was shirtless and chestnut brown, hair a near-black 'fro. Mom was in a white blouse, blonde hair in a perm. It seemed so alien to me.
\backgroundcolor{c[1]}[HTML]{eeddff}
\backgroundcolor{C[1](0.5\columnsep,10000pt)(10000pt,10000pt)}[HTML]{eeddff}
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\noindent My parents put me through three divorces. My mother and father divorced when I was very young. Young to the point where I don't remember them being married. I remember finding a picture of them walking with their arms around each other's backs. Dad was shirtless and chestnut brown, hair a near-black 'fro. Mom was in a white blouse, blonde hair in a perm. It seemed so alien to me.
Mom and Jay got divorced when I was in my freshman year of high school. I remember being taken to a family therapy session for Jay's lingering divorce with his previous wife, but no such luck with his divorce with my mom. I just remember things getting bad after I came out, and then my mom coming downstairs to wake me one morning and inform me that we were moving out. Today. Now.
@ -331,3 +336,7 @@ Alas, had I a face, I would be able to smirk. Imagine that for me, will you?
\end{ally}
You know what? Now's as good a time as any.
\newpage
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}
\resetbackgroundcolor

17
book/content/self-harm/self-harm.tex
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@ -1,3 +1,16 @@
\renewfontfamily\pagenumfont{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=DDDDDDFF]
\backgroundcolor{c[0]}[HTML]{222228}
\backgroundcolor{C[0](10000pt,10000pt)(0.6\columnsep,10000pt)}[HTML]{222228}
\backgroundcolor{c[1]}[HTML]{222228}
\backgroundcolor{C[1](0.6\columnsep,10000pt)(10000pt,10000pt)}[HTML]{222228}
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\fontspec{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=DDDDDDFF,Ligatures=TeX]
\renewfontfamily\allyFont{Merriweather Sans}[Scale=0.9,Color=EEEEFFFF,Ligatures=TeX]
\noindent Self harm is a recurring theme within my life.
It takes so many forms, too. The cutting and burning, sure, but also the self-sabotage. Dropping my testosterone to zero. If approaching this in a sexual fashion was wrong, then remove the sexuality.
@ -160,3 +173,7 @@ But I was unsafe, I was punishing myself, and I did it all on purpose.
Why ruin your life on accident when you can do it on purpose?
\end{ally}
\newpage
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}
\resetbackgroundcolor

17
book/content/self-harm/suicide.tex
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@ -1,3 +1,15 @@
\renewfontfamily\pagenumfont{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=AAAAAAFF]
\backgroundcolor{c[0]}[HTML]{16161d}
\backgroundcolor{C[0](10000pt,10000pt)(0.6\columnsep,10000pt)}[HTML]{16161d}
\backgroundcolor{c[1]}[HTML]{16161d}
\backgroundcolor{C[1](0.6\columnsep,10000pt)(10000pt,10000pt)}[HTML]{16161d}
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\fontspec{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=AAAAAAFF,Ligatures=TeX]
\renewfontfamily\allyFont{Merriweather Sans}[Scale=0.9,Color=999999FF,Ligatures=TeX]
\noindent On March 21st, 2012, I tried to kill myself.
It's amazing how such a simple statement of fact reflects, months of strange tension, slow recovery, and a whole lot of trying to understand what really happened. It's not a comfortable thing for anyone to discuss, but it's one of those things I need to discuss, need to get off my chest. A little too much of what makes life meaningful for me now is wrapped up in that one night.
@ -428,3 +440,8 @@ I'm tired. I don't even know what to do about this anymore, other than wait it o
I've just never seen any evidence to the contrary.
\newpage
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}
\resetbackgroundcolor
\renewfontfamily\pagenumfont{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=000000FF]

2
book/content/sex/kink.tex
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@ -1,4 +1,4 @@
\fontspec{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=EEEEEEFF]
\fontspec{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=EEEEEEFF,Ligatures=TeX]
\renewfontfamily\allyFont{Merriweather Sans}[Scale=0.9,Color=EEEEEEFF,Ligatures=TeX]
\noindent What do you do when you've got a libido and relatively little will to act upon it?

2
book/content/sex/rape.tex
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@ -1,4 +1,4 @@
\fontspec{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=DCCCCCFF]
\fontspec{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=DCCCCCFF,Ligatures=TeX]
\renewfontfamily\allyFont{Merriweather Sans}[Scale=0.9,Color=CBBBBBFF,Ligatures=TeX]
\begin{ally}

20
book/content/sex/sex.tex
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@ -1,4 +1,14 @@
\fontspec{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=111111FF]
\renewfontfamily\pagenumfont{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=111111FF]
\backgroundcolor{c[0]}[HTML]{eeeef8}
\backgroundcolor{C[0](10000pt,10000pt)(0.6\columnsep,10000pt)}[HTML]{eeeef8}
\backgroundcolor{c[1]}[HTML]{eeeef8}
\backgroundcolor{C[1](0.6\columnsep,10000pt)(10000pt,10000pt)}[HTML]{eeeef8}
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\fontspec{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=111111FF,Ligatures=TeX]
\renewfontfamily\allyFont{Merriweather Sans}[Scale=0.9,Color=333333FF,Ligatures=TeX]
\noindent Cathleen Schine writes in \emph{The Evolution of Jane}:
@ -148,8 +158,11 @@ So, let's talk about kink.
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}
\renewfontfamily\pagenumfont{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=EEEEEEFF]
\backgroundcolor{c[1]}[rgb]{0.0902,0.0667,0.102}
\backgroundcolor{C[1](0.5\columnsep,1000pt)(10000pt,10000pt)}[rgb]{0.0902,0.0667,0.102}
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{rightcolumn*}
\input{content/sex/kink.tex}
@ -443,3 +456,8 @@ No, I'm not unhappy. I'm happy with this, really. I'm happy with fantasy and art
The only bit I'm really unhappy about is that it keeps me from making others happy.
\newpage
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}
\resetbackgroundcolor
\renewfontfamily\pagenumfont{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=000000FF]

7
book/content/writing/music.tex
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@ -1,4 +1,4 @@
\end{leftcolumn}
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{rightcolumn*}
\noindent\includegraphics[width=2in]{assets/static/miniatures/1-1.png}
@ -59,7 +59,10 @@ Nope.
\begin{rightcolumn*}
\noindent\includegraphics[width=2in]{assets/static/miniatures/2-1.png}
% XXX This may change in the pages shift
\begin{flushright}
\noindent\includegraphics[width=2in]{assets/static/miniatures/2-2.png}
\end{flushright}
\end{rightcolumn*}
\begin{leftcolumn}
@ -307,3 +310,5 @@ You promise yourself you are okay with this.
\end{ally}
Yes.
\newpage
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}

17
book/content/writing/software.tex
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@ -1,3 +1,15 @@
\renewfontfamily\pagenumfont{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=05264CFF]
\backgroundcolor{c[0]}[HTML]{eaf5ff}
\backgroundcolor{C[0](10000pt,10000pt)(0.6\columnsep,10000pt)}[HTML]{eaf5ff}
\backgroundcolor{c[1]}[HTML]{eaf5ff}
\backgroundcolor{C[1](0.6\columnsep,10000pt)(10000pt,10000pt)}[HTML]{eaf5ff}
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\fontspec{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=05264CFF,Ligatures=TeX]
\renewfontfamily\allyFont{Merriweather Sans}[Scale=0.9,Color=16375DFF,Ligatures=TeX]
\noindent This chapter of ally was written in the git commit messages of this project, but here are their contents for completion's sake.
\begin{ally}
@ -195,3 +207,8 @@ When will you fade?
When will you fade?
\end{ally}
\newpage
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}
\resetbackgroundcolor
\renewfontfamily\pagenumfont{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=000000FF]

5
book/content/writing/writing.tex
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@ -1,3 +1,5 @@
\begin{paracol}{2}
\begin{leftcolumn}
\noindent Today, my therapist asked what the plot was to this new writing project.
\begin{ally}
@ -153,6 +155,7 @@ Gah, yeah. I was a kid, alright?
\begin{ally}
If you say so.
\end{ally}
\newpage
\end{leftcolumn}
\begin{rightcolumn*}
\emph{September 26, 2003}
@ -572,3 +575,5 @@ Please.
\end{ally}
No thanks, but I'll tell you all the same.
\newpage
\end{leftcolumn}
\end{paracol}

1
book/includes/font.tex
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@ -8,3 +8,4 @@
\newfontface\TitleFont{Inknut Antiqua}
% \newfontfamily\DisplayFamily{Playfair Display}
% \newfontface\DisplayFont{Playfair Display}
\newfontfamily\pagenumfont{Gentium Book Basic}

4
book/includes/pagelayout.tex
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@ -7,7 +7,7 @@
\fancypagestyle{ourbook}{
% headers
\fancyhf{}
\fancyhf[FRO,FLE]{\thepage}
\fancyhf[FRO,FLE]{\pagenumfont\thepage}
% \fancyhf[HLE]{\chaptertitle}
% \fancyhf[HRO]{\AuthorFull}
% \renewcommand{\headrulewidth}{0.5pt}
@ -21,7 +21,7 @@
\fancyhf{}
\renewcommand{\headrulewidth}{0pt}
\renewcommand{\footrulewidth}{0pt}
\fancyhf[FRO,FLE]{\thepage}
\fancyhf[FRO,FLE]{\pagenumfont\thepage}
}
% single space after periods