From b375783b45e99ca0eced5e759911f841d4179c22 Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001 From: Madison Scott-Clary Date: Thu, 10 Oct 2019 22:03:08 -0700 Subject: [PATCH] suicide --- content/gender/index.html | 2 +- content/map.html | 2793 +++++++++-------- content/news/2019-10-10-heavy-shit.md | 7 + .../agony-and-ecstasy/video.md | 1 + content/self-harm/03.md | 4 +- content/self-harm/suicide/006.md | 42 +- content/self-harm/suicide/007.md | 40 + content/self-harm/suicide/008.md | 22 + content/self-harm/suicide/_index.md | 1 + content/writing/07.md | 2 +- static/map.dot | 93 +- static/map.svg | 2793 +++++++++-------- static/og-logo.png | Bin 1725 -> 1651 bytes themes/ally/layouts/news/list.html | 2 +- themes/ally/static/css/main.css | 12 +- 15 files changed, 3119 insertions(+), 2695 deletions(-) create mode 100644 content/self-harm/suicide/007.md create mode 100644 content/self-harm/suicide/008.md diff --git a/content/gender/index.html b/content/gender/index.html index e6ed168..7a3fcbf 100644 --- a/content/gender/index.html +++ b/content/gender/index.html @@ -2,4 +2,4 @@ type: single --- -Coming soon... +

Coming soon...

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Suicide and self-harm
+ This took forever to write. @@ -15,11 +17,16 @@ Well, still. Even if I had lots going on, it would have been nice to have actual That too. +> You sent yourself to the ER with some stormy brainweather and a bit more pressure on the blade than you intended. +I'm so tired. + +> Yeah. ### New content * [Suicide](/self-harm/suicide) +* I wrote a lot about gender but I'm not ready to show it yet. ### Updated content diff --git a/content/poet-and-mystic/agony-and-ecstasy/video.md b/content/poet-and-mystic/agony-and-ecstasy/video.md index 35a5715..1438321 100644 --- a/content/poet-and-mystic/agony-and-ecstasy/video.md +++ b/content/poet-and-mystic/agony-and-ecstasy/video.md @@ -16,3 +16,4 @@ type: single * [ANIMA](https://www.netflix.com/title/81110498) * The rest of *Samsara* +* Bong Joon-Ho's *마더* (*Mother*) diff --git a/content/self-harm/03.md b/content/self-harm/03.md index e8c1d9e..9295876 100644 --- a/content/self-harm/03.md +++ b/content/self-harm/03.md @@ -21,8 +21,8 @@ I tell myself now that if I belive something to be true when I'm depressed as we And, well. -Now I knew it was right. +Now I knew it was right. But I was unsafe, I was punishing myself, and I did it all on purpose. -> Why ruin your life on accident when you can do it on purpose? +> Why ruin your life on accident when you can do it on purpose? diff --git a/content/self-harm/suicide/006.md b/content/self-harm/suicide/006.md index eb94056..d269a63 100644 --- a/content/self-harm/suicide/006.md +++ b/content/self-harm/suicide/006.md @@ -1,5 +1,5 @@ --- -date: 2019-10-08 +date: 2019-10-10 weight: 6 --- @@ -21,3 +21,43 @@ The beauty of inflections Or the beauty of innuendoes, The blackbird whistling Or just after. + +I can remember it so clearly. + +> You can remember it because you still live it. + +Yes. I still feel that slide into someone-else-ness, and then the snap back when drawn back into self-ness. Back into here and now. + +> You felt that last night. + +Yes. + +> You felt that slide into dissociation, felt the folding blade click into place with a vague sense of surprise, then jolted as it drew across your leg. + +Yes. + +> You felt that same jolt of humiliation and pain and anger and fear. + +Yes. + +> Especially this time. You cut too deep. Your usual superficial-yet-still-painful scratch had turned into something of a flay. + +Yes. + +> You needed twelve stitches. You lied and said you dropped your knife while cleaning it. + +Yes. + +> Are you writing about this now because you were working up to this most recent little climax? + +I really don't know. + +> Tell me what happened after. + +I started whispering James' name-- + +> Both times? + +Both times. I started whispering his name, then eventually swallowed the miniscule bit of pride I had left and called out loud enough to wake him up. "Can you come help me?" I asked. It took asking two more times before he got up. I found out later that he thought I had made a mess and just wanted help cleaning up, thinking that I should just clean up my own messes. A good point, that. + +Though the rest of the night in March is still sort of a blur --- I hadn't totally gotten out of the state that I was in, just woken up enough to engage with the mechanics --- I do remember James helping me to clean and bandage my arm as we sat on the floor of the bathroom, the dog occasionally wandering in and out. The whole time, I was still sobbing, blubbering out, "I don't want to leave you, I don't want to leave Zephyr, I don't know why I did that, I'm sorry" over and over again. diff --git a/content/self-harm/suicide/007.md b/content/self-harm/suicide/007.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..cbca668 --- /dev/null +++ b/content/self-harm/suicide/007.md @@ -0,0 +1,40 @@ +--- +date: 2019-10-10 +weight: 7 +--- + +I'm so tired. + +> I know. + +Can I let Matthew tell the story? Can I put his words here, and can I catch up on the sleep I missed while in the ER? Can I feel better before I write again? + +> Yes, but don't make a habit of it. + +Okay. + +
The last thing I did before going to bed that night was to send an email to work saying that I would be in later in the day due to an "emergency appointment" in the morning. I certainly couldn't tell them what had actually happened, but I had so thoroughly exhausted myself and still felt so bad that I decided sleeping in would help me out quite a bit. + +I wound up at the office around eleven in the morning, and sat down, feeling tired, worn thin, and still traumatized from the fact that I had apparently acted out something I had thought was just one of those persistent negative thoughts that won't go away, one with no grounding in reality. Within minutes, I received a message from my boss informing me that my attitude in the last few weeks was not acceptable. I had been irritable and angry, to the point where my supervisors felt as though they had to word things so that I wouldn't get upset. + +I was stuck in a weird situation, here. On the one hand, my boss was totally right and I really did need to take a look at how I was interacting with others at work, but on the other hand, I wasn't in a place to do anything about it at the time, and I certainly didn't feel as though I could talk to my boss about what had happened in order to save the conversation for another time. + +I did my best to accept it and trudge through the rest of the day. The plan that was in place before was to follow a friend up to Blackhawk for a free night at a casino hotel that he had available. It seemed like getting out of town might actually help, and it also meant that my workday was significantly shorter than it would've been otherwise. + +The drive after work was calming, and I actually got to the point where I felt as though the night out would be a good change of pace to keep me from going too crazy. + +And you know? The evening really did help. It was a lot of fun spending $20 on roulette and walking away with $60, it was fun eating a ridiculous amount of crab legs, and it was...well, it was mortifying, watching some of saddest people I've ever seen in my life sit, lost, in front of their slot machines. + +We had planned on going hot-tubbing, but, as became clear when I took off my shirt back at the room and exposed the rather bulky bandage along the underside of my arm, that was pretty much out of the question, so we mostly just sat around talking, and, in my case, trying to feel better about the whole thing. + +I was fine until it was time for bed. As is usually the case, the stillness is when I get the worst, in terms of anxiety. That's when it's easiest for my mind to wander, fixate on a subject, and loop over it in all the worst ways for the longest time. The problems started when sleep didn't come. + +And didn't come. + +And still didn't come. + +After a time, I suppose I just lost it. I got up and started pacing the room, walking from the bathroom to the window and back again, clenching and unclenching my hands before I let loose a "Jesus fucking Christ!" + +I locked myself in the bathroom and broke down again. + +Both James and Karl checked in on me throughout the next few hours, but it was mostly spent huddled up on the cold tile of the floor feeling awful about both myself and what I'd done - that it had any effect on those around me was just starting to hit home. I will not lie that, several times throughout the night, I wished that I had succeeded in order to not be going through what I was going through at the time. I simply couldn't stand what I'd done.
diff --git a/content/self-harm/suicide/008.md b/content/self-harm/suicide/008.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..b592796 --- /dev/null +++ b/content/self-harm/suicide/008.md @@ -0,0 +1,22 @@ +--- +date: 2019-10-10 +weight: 8 +--- + +

Things are totally out of control now.

— Maddy, whose tail is behind her (@drab_makyo) March 23, 2012
+ +

On meds for anxiety now, but that seems to have just let loose something terrible. Tried to kill myself Wednesday night, spent all tonight--

— Maddy, whose tail is behind her (@drab_makyo) March 23, 2012
+ +

--obsessing about it, woke up Karl and James, then felt guilty and upset about it.

— Maddy, whose tail is behind her (@drab_makyo) March 23, 2012
+ +

It's not even really about anything, I'm just messed up, I guess.

— Maddy, whose tail is behind her (@drab_makyo) March 23, 2012
+ +

Days are spent in a surreality, both happy and unreasonably angry.

— Maddy, whose tail is behind her (@drab_makyo) March 23, 2012
+ +

I'm sorry you'll all wake up to a bunch of Matt freaking out, but I'm stuck :S

— Maddy, whose tail is behind her (@drab_makyo) March 23, 2012
+ +> Where's your tweet from this time? + +

As someone who went to the ER last night and got 12 stitches only to find out that insurance ended on the 30th and I haven't received my COBRA paperwork yet so we'll see how fucked I am financially: mood. https://t.co/sil5Yf2617

— Maddy, whose tail is behind her (@drab_makyo) October 10, 2019
+ +

I'm okay. Just tired.

— Maddy, whose tail is behind her (@drab_makyo) October 10, 2019
diff --git a/content/self-harm/suicide/_index.md b/content/self-harm/suicide/_index.md index 897b4a1..ef0a78d 100644 --- a/content/self-harm/suicide/_index.md +++ b/content/self-harm/suicide/_index.md @@ -3,6 +3,7 @@ type: serial background: '#222222' color: '#aaaaaa' quote: '#999999' +back: '/self-harm/3' ---
Suicide
diff --git a/content/writing/07.md b/content/writing/07.md index 61ed775..ac0b353 100644 --- a/content/writing/07.md +++ b/content/writing/07.md @@ -3,7 +3,7 @@ date: 2019-08-30 weight: 7 --- -
Autoplaying music
+
Autoplaying music
> If this is about creativity, then tell me about composing. diff --git a/static/map.dot b/static/map.dot index 12e887a..852eadc 100644 --- a/static/map.dot +++ b/static/map.dot @@ -25,6 +25,35 @@ digraph Map { "Dad 6" -> "Dad 7" -> "Dad 8" -> "Dad 9" -> "Dad 10" -> "Dad 11" + node[group="pnm",style="filled",fillcolor="#2f082a",fontcolor="#ccccdd"] + "Poet and Mystic 1" [href="/poet-and-mystic"] + "Poet and Mystic 2" [href="/poet-and-mystic/2"] + "Poet and Mystic 3" [href="/poet-and-mystic/3"] + "Poet and Mystic 4" [href="/poet-and-mystic/4"] + "Poet and Mystic 5" [href="/poet-and-mystic/5"] + "Poet and Mystic 6" [href="/poet-and-mystic/6"] + "Poet and Mystic 7" [href="/poet-and-mystic/7"] + "Poet and Mystic 8" [href="/poet-and-mystic/8"] + "Poet and Mystic 9" [href="/poet-and-mystic/9"] + "Poet and Mystic 10" [href="/poet-and-mystic/10"] + "Poet and Mystic 11" [href="/poet-and-mystic/11"] + "Poet and Mystic 12" [href="/poet-and-mystic/12"] + "Poet and Mystic 13" [href="/poet-and-mystic/13"] + "Poet and Mystic 1" -> "Poet and Mystic 2" -> "Poet and Mystic 3" -> + "Poet and Mystic 4" -> "Poet and Mystic 5" -> "Poet and Mystic 6" -> + "Poet and Mystic 7" -> "Poet and Mystic 8" -> "Poet and Mystic 9" -> + "Poet and Mystic 10" -> "Poet and Mystic 11" -> "Poet and Mystic 12" -> + "Poet and Mystic 13" + + node[group="ane",style="",fontcolor="#111111"] + "Agony and Ecstasy" [href="/poet-and-mystic/agony-and-ecstasy"] + "Audio" [href="/poet-and-mystic/agony-and-ecstasy/audio"] + "Video" [href="/poet-and-mystic/agony-and-ecstasy/video"] + "Text" [href="/poet-and-mystic/agony-and-ecstasy/text"] + "Agony and Ecstasy" -> "Audio" + "Agony and Ecstasy" -> "Video" + "Agony and Ecstasy" -> "Text" + node[group="from-within",style="filled",fillcolor="#333a18",fontcolor="#ccddcc"] "From within 1" [href="/from-within/"] "From within 2" [href="/from-within/2"] @@ -211,42 +240,41 @@ digraph Map { "Manifesto Project 12" -> "Manifesto Project 13" -> "Manifesto Project 14" - node[group="pnm",style="filled",fillcolor="#2f082a",fontcolor="#ccccdd"] - "Poet and Mystic 1" [href="/poet-and-mystic"] - "Poet and Mystic 2" [href="/poet-and-mystic/2"] - "Poet and Mystic 3" [href="/poet-and-mystic/3"] - "Poet and Mystic 4" [href="/poet-and-mystic/4"] - "Poet and Mystic 5" [href="/poet-and-mystic/5"] - "Poet and Mystic 6" [href="/poet-and-mystic/6"] - "Poet and Mystic 7" [href="/poet-and-mystic/7"] - "Poet and Mystic 8" [href="/poet-and-mystic/8"] - "Poet and Mystic 9" [href="/poet-and-mystic/9"] - "Poet and Mystic 10" [href="/poet-and-mystic/10"] - "Poet and Mystic 11" [href="/poet-and-mystic/11"] - "Poet and Mystic 12" [href="/poet-and-mystic/12"] - "Poet and Mystic 13" [href="/poet-and-mystic/13"] - "Poet and Mystic 1" -> "Poet and Mystic 2" -> "Poet and Mystic 3" -> - "Poet and Mystic 4" -> "Poet and Mystic 5" -> "Poet and Mystic 6" -> - "Poet and Mystic 7" -> "Poet and Mystic 8" -> "Poet and Mystic 9" -> - "Poet and Mystic 10" -> "Poet and Mystic 11" -> "Poet and Mystic 12" -> - "Poet and Mystic 13" - - node[group="ane",style="",fontcolor="#111111"] - "Agony and Ecstasy" [href="/poet-and-mystic/agony-and-ecstasy"] - "Audio" [href="/poet-and-mystic/agony-and-ecstasy/audio"] - "Video" [href="/poet-and-mystic/agony-and-ecstasy/video"] - "Text" [href="/poet-and-mystic/agony-and-ecstasy/text"] - "Agony and Ecstasy" -> "Audio" - "Agony and Ecstasy" -> "Video" - "Agony and Ecstasy" -> "Text" - node[group="sh",style="filled",fillcolor="#222228",fontcolor="#dddddd"] "Self-harm 1" [href="/self-harm"] "Self-harm 2" [href="/self-harm/2"] "Self-harm 3" [href="/self-harm/3"] "Self-harm 1" -> "Self-harm 2" -> "Self-harm 3" - node[group="transition"] + node[group="suicide",style="filled",fillcolor="#222222",fontcolor="#aaaaaa"] + "Suicide 1" [href="/self-harm/suicide"] + "Suicide 2" [href="/self-harm/suicide/2"] + "Suicide 3" [href="/self-harm/suicide/3"] + "Suicide 4" [href="/self-harm/suicide/4"] + "Suicide 5" [href="/self-harm/suicide/5"] + "Suicide 6" [href="/self-harm/suicide/6"] + "Suicide 7" [href="/self-harm/suicide/7"] + "Suicide 8" [href="/self-harm/suicide/8"] + "Suicide 1" -> "Suicide 2" -> "Suicide 3" -> + "Suicide 4" -> "Suicide 5" -> "Suicide 6" -> "Suicide 7" -> + "Suicide 8" + + node[group="gender",style="",fontcolor="#111111"] + "Gender 1" [href="/gender"] + + /*node[group="surgery"] + "Surgery 1" [href="/gender/surgery"] + "Surgery 2" [href="/gender/surgery/2"] + "Surgery 3" [href="/gender/surgery/3"] + "Surgery 4" [href="/gender/surgery/4"] + "Surgery 5" [href="/gender/surgery/5"] + "Surgery 6" [href="/gender/surgery/6"] + "Surgery 7" [href="/gender/surgery/7"] + "Surgery 8" [href="/gender/surgery/8"] + "Surgery 9" [href="/gender/surgery/9"] + "Surgery 1" -> "Surgery 2" -> "Surgery 3" -> "Surgery 4" -> + "Surgery 5" -> "Surgery 6" -> "Surgery 7" -> "Surgery 8" -> + "Surgery 9"*/ node[group="writing",style="",fontcolor="#111111"] "Writing 1" [href="/writing"] @@ -357,6 +385,11 @@ digraph Map { // Self-harm /*"Self-harm 1" -> "Margaras 1"*/ + "Self-harm 3" -> "Suicide 1" + "Self-harm 3" -> "Gender 1" + + // Gender + /*"Gender 1" -> "Surgery 1"*/ // Sex "Sex 4" -> "Kink 1" diff --git a/static/map.svg b/static/map.svg index 6c06f1e..d56f6e6 100644 --- a/static/map.svg +++ b/static/map.svg @@ -4,17 +4,17 @@ - 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{{ .Params.title }}

{{ if (ge .Date.Year 2019) }}

{{ .Date.Format "January 2, 2006" }}

{{ end }} -

{{ .Summary }}

+
{{ .Summary }}
{{ end }} {{ partial "pagination.html" . }} diff --git a/themes/ally/static/css/main.css b/themes/ally/static/css/main.css index 2873eb2..4d28cf3 100644 --- a/themes/ally/static/css/main.css +++ b/themes/ally/static/css/main.css @@ -116,6 +116,16 @@ blockquote em { font-weight: bold; font-family: 'Merriweather Sans', sans-serif; } +.news-summary .cw { + text-align: left; + font-size: 14pt; +} +.news-summary .cw:before { + display: inline-block; + margin-right: 0.25rem; + font-size: 28pt; + vertical-align: middle; +} .info { color: #008; text-align: right; @@ -128,8 +138,8 @@ blockquote em { font-family: 'Merriweather Sans', sans-serif; } pre { - border: 1px solid #eee; padding: 1em; + border: 1px solid #eee; white-space: pre-wrap; font-family: 'Ubuntu Mono', monospace; }