Onesided digital edition
This commit is contained in:
Madison Scott-Clary
@ -30,7 +30,9 @@ toc: plain ## full book with ToC re-rendering in case of page changes
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.PHONY: ebook
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.PHONY: ebook
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ebook: ## render ePub file from LaTeX
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ebook: ## render ePub file from LaTeX
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pandoc Ebook.tex -o ../ebooks/book.epub -t epub3 --wrap=none
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#makeindex ally-digital-edition
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xelatex ally-digital-edition.tex
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xelatex ally-digital-edition.tex
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.PHONY: frame
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.PHONY: frame
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engage-frame: ## turn on frame marking
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engage-frame: ## turn on frame marking
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331
book/ally-digital-edition.idx
Normal file
331
book/ally-digital-edition.idx
Normal file
@ -0,0 +1,331 @@
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\indexentry{ally|(hyperpage}{1}
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\indexentry{ally|(hyperpage}{3}
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\indexentry{Writing!samples!poetry|hyperpage}{3}
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\indexentry{ally!I am not your friend|hyperpage}{3}
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\indexentry{Journal entries|hyperpage}{4}
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||||||
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\indexentry{Numinous!seven|hyperpage}{6}
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\indexentry{ally!Not my department|hyperpage}{6}
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\indexentry{Gender|hyperpage}{7}
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\indexentry{Furry![adjective][species]|hyperpage}{8}
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\indexentry{Relationships!Judith|hyperpage}{8}
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\indexentry{Numinous!colors|hyperpage}{9}
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\indexentry{Nostalgia|hyperpage}{9}
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\indexentry{ally|)hyperpage}{11}
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\indexentry{ally!Not my department|hyperpage}{11}
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\indexentry{ally!I am not your friend|hyperpage}{12}
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||||||
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\indexentry{ally|)hyperpage}{15}
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\indexentry{Alcohol|(hyperpage}{17}
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||||||
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\indexentry{Catastrophically Maddy|hyperpage}{18}
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\indexentry{Alcohol|)hyperpage}{20}
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||||||
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\indexentry{Mental health!anxiety|hyperpage}{20}
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||||||
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\indexentry{Family!dad!running away|hyperpage}{20}
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||||||
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\indexentry{Gender|hyperpage}{23}
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||||||
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\indexentry{Ship of Theseus|hyperpage}{23}
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||||||
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\indexentry{The Death of Matthew|hyperpage}{23}
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||||||
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\indexentry{Mental health!bipolar!mania|hyperpage}{23}
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\indexentry{Alcohol|hyperpage}{23}
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\indexentry{Numinous!colors|(hyperpage}{26}
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\indexentry{Journal entries|(hyperpage}{26}
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\indexentry{Journal entries|)hyperpage}{31}
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\indexentry{Writing!samples!poetry|hyperpage}{40}
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\indexentry{Numinous!colors|)hyperpage}{41}
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\indexentry{Liminal|hyperpage}{41}
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\indexentry{Mental health!bipolar!mania|hyperpage}{41}
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\indexentry{Numinous!birds|(hyperpage}{41}
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\indexentry{Journal entries|hyperpage}{42}
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\indexentry{Tweets|hyperpage}{47}
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\indexentry{Journal entries|hyperpage}{47}
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\indexentry{Numinous!birds|)hyperpage}{49}
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\indexentry{Relationships!polyamory|(hyperpage}{50}
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\indexentry{Mental health!bipolar!mania|hyperpage}{50}
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\indexentry{Family!mom|hyperpage}{52}
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||||||
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\indexentry{Family!dad|hyperpage}{52}
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\indexentry{Family!Jay|(hyperpage}{52}
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\indexentry{Catastrophically Maddy|hyperpage}{54}
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\indexentry{Family!Julie|hyperpage}{54}
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\indexentry{Journal entries|hyperpage}{56}
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||||||
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\indexentry{Relationships!Michael|hyperpage}{56}
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\indexentry{Gender|hyperpage}{57}
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\indexentry{The Death of Matthew|hyperpage}{57}
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\indexentry{Ship of Theseus|hyperpage}{57}
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||||||
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\indexentry{Dream|hyperpage}{57}
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\indexentry{ally|hyperpage}{58}
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\indexentry{Relationships!Merlin|hyperpage}{58}
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\indexentry{Ship of Theseus|hyperpage}{59}
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\indexentry{Catastrophically Maddy|hyperpage}{60}
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\indexentry{Journal entries|hyperpage}{61}
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\indexentry{Gender|hyperpage}{64}
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\indexentry{Relationships!Barac|hyperpage}{65}
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\indexentry{Relationships!Judith|hyperpage}{65}
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\indexentry{Relationships!Colton|hyperpage}{65}
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\indexentry{Relationships!Justin|hyperpage}{65}
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\indexentry{Relationships!JD|hyperpage}{66}
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\indexentry{Relationships!Robin|hyperpage}{66}
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\indexentry{Relationships!Judith|hyperpage}{66}
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\indexentry{Relationships!Justin|hyperpage}{66}
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\indexentry{Family!Jay|)hyperpage}{66}
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\indexentry{Relationships!polyamory|)hyperpage}{68}
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\indexentry{Sex|(hyperpage}{69}
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\indexentry{Relationships!Danny|hyperpage}{71}
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\indexentry{Writing!samples!fiction|(hyperpage}{71}
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\indexentry{Writing!samples!fiction|)hyperpage}{72}
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\indexentry{Furry|hyperpage}{72}
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\indexentry{Sex!asexuality|(hyperpage}{74}
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\indexentry{Gender!TIASAP|hyperpage}{75}
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\indexentry{Sex!rape|hyperpage}{77}
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\indexentry{Sex!kink|(hyperpage}{78}
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\indexentry{Sex!TS|hyperpage}{78}
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\indexentry{The Death of Matthew|hyperpage}{80}
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\indexentry{Relationships!Justin|hyperpage}{80}
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\indexentry{Furry|hyperpage}{80}
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\indexentry{Relationships!Michael|(hyperpage}{81}
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\indexentry{ally!throwing stones|hyperpage}{81}
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\indexentry{Mental health!self harm|hyperpage}{81}
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\indexentry{Sex!TS|hyperpage}{82}
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\indexentry{Furry|hyperpage}{82}
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\indexentry{Furry!fursoñas!Maddy|hyperpage}{82}
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\indexentry{Sex!kink|)hyperpage}{84}
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\indexentry{ally!throwing stones|hyperpage}{84}
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\indexentry{Relationships!Michael|)hyperpage}{84}
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\indexentry{Relationships!Kayla|hyperpage}{84}
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\indexentry{Sex!rape|(hyperpage}{84}
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\indexentry{Relationships!JD|)hyperpage}{85}
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\indexentry{Furry|hyperpage}{86}
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\indexentry{Sex!TS|hyperpage}{86}
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\indexentry{Relationships!JD|hyperpage}{87}
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\indexentry{Relationships!Robin|hyperpage}{87}
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\indexentry{Relationships!Barac|hyperpage}{87}
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\indexentry{Relationships!Colton|hyperpage}{87}
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\indexentry{Dream|hyperpage}{87}
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\indexentry{Relationships!Judith|hyperpage}{87}
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\indexentry{Sex!TS|hyperpage}{87}
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\indexentry{Gender!TIASAP|hyperpage}{88}
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\indexentry{Gender!surgery|hyperpage}{90}
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\indexentry{Sex!TS|hyperpage}{90}
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\indexentry{Sex!rape|)hyperpage}{93}
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\indexentry{Sex!asexuality|)hyperpage}{93}
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\indexentry{Sex|)hyperpage}{93}
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\indexentry{Mental health!bipolar!mania|(hyperpage}{96}
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\indexentry{Writing!samples!fiction|(hyperpage}{98}
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\indexentry{Writing!samples!fiction|)hyperpage}{100}
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\indexentry{Alcohol|hyperpage}{101}
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\indexentry{Mental health!bipolar!mania|)hyperpage}{109}
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\indexentry{Furry|(hyperpage}{111}
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\indexentry{Koan|(hyperpage}{111}
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\indexentry{Furry!fursoñas!Makyo|hyperpage}{112}
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\indexentry{Furry!fursoñas!Maddy|hyperpage}{112}
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\indexentry{Furry!fursoñas!Maddy|hyperpage}{113}
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\indexentry{Koan|)hyperpage}{115}
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\indexentry{Relationships!Danny|hyperpage}{116}
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\indexentry{Sex!TS|hyperpage}{116}
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\indexentry{ally|hyperpage}{116}
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\indexentry{Nostalgia|hyperpage}{117}
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\indexentry{Relationships!Marek|hyperpage}{118}
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\indexentry{Nostalgia|hyperpage}{118}
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\indexentry{Furry!Margaras|hyperpage}{118}
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\indexentry{Relationships!Danny|hyperpage}{118}
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\indexentry{Relationships!JD|hyperpage}{121}
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\indexentry{Writing!Keats|hyperpage}{124}
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\indexentry{Furry![adjective][species]|hyperpage}{124}
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\indexentry{Furry!Margaras|(hyperpage}{125}
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\indexentry{The Death of Matthew|hyperpage}{125}
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\indexentry{Journal entries|(hyperpage}{126}
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\indexentry{Journal entries|)hyperpage}{146}
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\indexentry{Numinous!seven|hyperpage}{147}
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||||||
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\indexentry{Writing!samples!poetry|hyperpage}{147}
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\indexentry{Furry!Margaras|)hyperpage}{148}
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\indexentry{Furry!fursoñas!Makyo|hyperpage}{148}
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\indexentry{Furry!fursoñas!Maddy|hyperpage}{148}
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\indexentry{Furry!fursoñas!Sarai|hyperpage}{148}
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\indexentry{Furry!fursoñas!Happenstance|hyperpage}{148}
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\indexentry{Furry!fursoñas!Younes|hyperpage}{148}
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\indexentry{Furry|)hyperpage}{149}
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\indexentry{Furry!fursoñas!Younes|(hyperpage}{149}
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\indexentry{Gender|hyperpage}{149}
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\indexentry{Relationships!JD|hyperpage}{149}
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\indexentry{Relationships!Tyson|hyperpage}{149}
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\indexentry{Mental health!medication|hyperpage}{149}
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\indexentry{Furry!fursoñas!Makyo|hyperpage}{150}
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\indexentry{The Death of Matthew|hyperpage}{153}
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\indexentry{Relationships!Rikoshi|hyperpage}{153}
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\indexentry{Furry!fursoñas!Makyo|hyperpage}{153}
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\indexentry{Furry!fursoñas!Macchi|hyperpage}{153}
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\indexentry{Gender!TIASAP|hyperpage}{154}
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\indexentry{Furry!fursoñas!Younes|)hyperpage}{155}
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\indexentry{Mental health!self harm|(hyperpage}{155}
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\indexentry{Mental health!self harm|)hyperpage}{162}
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\indexentry{Mental health!suicide|(hyperpage}{163}
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\indexentry{Nostalgia|hyperpage}{163}
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\indexentry{The Death of Matthew|hyperpage}{163}
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\indexentry{Thisness|hyperpage}{167}
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\indexentry{Mental health!bipolar!depression|hyperpage}{167}
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\indexentry{Mental health!anxiety|hyperpage}{170}
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\indexentry{Mental health!medication|hyperpage}{170}
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\indexentry{Thisness|hyperpage}{171}
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\indexentry{Alcohol|hyperpage}{171}
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\indexentry{Mental health!dissociation|hyperpage}{171}
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\indexentry{Mental health!self harm|hyperpage}{172}
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\indexentry{Mental health!self harm|hyperpage}{174}
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\indexentry{Relationships!JD|hyperpage}{174}
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\indexentry{Dogs|hyperpage}{175}
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\indexentry{Journal entries|hyperpage}{176}
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\indexentry{Tweets|hyperpage}{179}
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\indexentry{ally|hyperpage}{187}
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\indexentry{Mental health!suicide|)hyperpage}{189}
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\indexentry{Gender|(hyperpage}{189}
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\indexentry{ally|hyperpage}{189}
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\indexentry{Furry|hyperpage}{189}
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\indexentry{Furry|hyperpage}{190}
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\indexentry{ally!throwing stones|hyperpage}{191}
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\indexentry{Liminal|hyperpage}{191}
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\indexentry{Furry!fursoñas!Younes|hyperpage}{191}
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\indexentry{Family!dad|hyperpage}{191}
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\indexentry{ally|hyperpage}{191}
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\indexentry{Relationships!JD|hyperpage}{193}
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\indexentry{Gender!surgery|hyperpage}{198}
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\indexentry{ally!throwing stones|hyperpage}{202}
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\indexentry{Gender|)hyperpage}{205}
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\indexentry{Gender!surgery|(hyperpage}{207}
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\indexentry{Writing!samples!poetry|(hyperpage}{207}
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\indexentry{Writing!samples!poetry|)hyperpage}{229}
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\indexentry{Gender!surgery|)hyperpage}{229}
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\indexentry{Liminal|(hyperpage}{233}
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\indexentry{The Death of Matthew|hyperpage}{233}
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\indexentry{The Death of Matthew|hyperpage}{235}
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\indexentry{Furry!Margaras|hyperpage}{239}
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\indexentry{The Death of Matthew|hyperpage}{239}
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\indexentry{Letters|(hyperpage}{240}
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\indexentry{Family!mom|(hyperpage}{240}
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\indexentry{Gender|(hyperpage}{240}
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\indexentry{Letters|)hyperpage}{241}
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\indexentry{Gender!TIASAP|hyperpage}{241}
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\indexentry{Family!mom|)hyperpage}{242}
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\indexentry{Family!dad|hyperpage}{243}
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\indexentry{Liminal|)hyperpage}{248}
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\indexentry{Gender|)hyperpage}{248}
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\indexentry{Family!dad|(hyperpage}{249}
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\indexentry{Family!Julie|hyperpage}{249}
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\indexentry{Mental health!bipolar!depression|hyperpage}{251}
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\indexentry{Gender|hyperpage}{251}
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\indexentry{Family!Julie|hyperpage}{251}
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\indexentry{Family!Julie|hyperpage}{258}
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\indexentry{Family!Julie|hyperpage}{259}
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\indexentry{Family!dad!running away|(hyperpage}{263}
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\indexentry{Journal entries|hyperpage}{264}
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\indexentry{Mental health!anxiety|hyperpage}{270}
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\indexentry{Family!mom|hyperpage}{273}
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\indexentry{Nostalgia|hyperpage}{276}
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\indexentry{Family!dad!running away|)hyperpage}{278}
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\indexentry{Mental health!movement disorders|hyperpage}{279}
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\indexentry{Alcohol|hyperpage}{281}
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\indexentry{The Death of Matthew|hyperpage}{282}
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\indexentry{Gender|(hyperpage}{283}
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\indexentry{Letters|(hyperpage}{283}
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\indexentry{Letters|)hyperpage}{294}
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\indexentry{Family!dad!running away|hyperpage}{298}
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\indexentry{Gender|)hyperpage}{298}
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\indexentry{Writing!samples!poetry|(hyperpage}{299}
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\indexentry{Dogs|hyperpage}{299}
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\indexentry{Family!mom|hyperpage}{299}
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\indexentry{Writing!samples!poetry|)hyperpage}{300}
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\indexentry{Family!dad|)hyperpage}{302}
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\indexentry{Numinous|(hyperpage}{303}
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\indexentry{Numinous!seven|hyperpage}{303}
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\indexentry{Writing!samples!poetry|hyperpage}{306}
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\indexentry{Numinous!seven|hyperpage}{306}
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\indexentry{Relationships!Michael|hyperpage}{307}
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\indexentry{Journal entries|(hyperpage}{307}
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\indexentry{Journal entries|)hyperpage}{311}
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\indexentry{ally|hyperpage}{315}
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\indexentry{Family!dad|hyperpage}{315}
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\indexentry{Mental health!dissociation|hyperpage}{315}
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\indexentry{Writing!samples!poetry|(hyperpage}{317}
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\indexentry{Writing!samples!poetry|)hyperpage}{322}
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\indexentry{Writing!samples!poetry|(hyperpage}{327}
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\indexentry{Numinous!seven|hyperpage}{328}
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\indexentry{Numinous!seven|hyperpage}{329}
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\indexentry{Writing!samples!poetry|)hyperpage}{332}
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\indexentry{Numinous!birds|(hyperpage}{336}
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\indexentry{Numinous!birds|)hyperpage}{337}
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\indexentry{Numinous|)hyperpage}{340}
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\indexentry{ally|hyperpage}{341}
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\indexentry{ally!Not my department|hyperpage}{341}
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\indexentry{Mental health!movement disorders|(hyperpage}{343}
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\indexentry{Thisness|hyperpage}{350}
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\indexentry{Journal entries|hyperpage}{353}
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\indexentry{Writing!samples!fiction|(hyperpage}{359}
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\indexentry{Writing!samples!fiction|)hyperpage}{362}
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\indexentry{Thisness|hyperpage}{362}
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\indexentry{Family!dad|hyperpage}{364}
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\indexentry{Mental health!movement disorders|)hyperpage}{368}
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\indexentry{Writing|(hyperpage}{370}
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\indexentry{The Death of Matthew|hyperpage}{371}
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\indexentry{Writing!samples!poetry|(hyperpage}{379}
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\indexentry{Writing!samples!poetry|hyperpage}{382}
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\indexentry{Writing!samples!poetry|(hyperpage}{384}
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\indexentry{Writing!samples!poetry|)hyperpage}{388}
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\indexentry{Writing!Keats|hyperpage}{388}
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\indexentry{Catastrophically Maddy|hyperpage}{388}
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\indexentry{Writing|)hyperpage}{396}
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\indexentry{Music|(hyperpage}{396}
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\indexentry{Family!dad|hyperpage}{396}
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\indexentry{Music!choir|(hyperpage}{400}
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\indexentry{Gender|hyperpage}{401}
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\indexentry{Music!choir|)hyperpage}{404}
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\indexentry{Music!composition|(hyperpage}{404}
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\indexentry{Music!composing|)hyperpage}{407}
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\indexentry{Music|)hyperpage}{408}
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\indexentry{Software|(hyperpage}{409}
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\indexentry{Software!burnout|hyperpage}{417}
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\indexentry{Software|)hyperpage}{418}
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\indexentry{ally|)hyperpage}{419}
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\indexentry{ally!Not my department|hyperpage}{419}
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\indexentry{ally!Not my department|hyperpage}{420}
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||||||
|
\indexentry{Relationships!Colton|hyperpage}{421}
|
||||||
|
\indexentry{Relationships!Barac|hyperpage}{421}
|
||||||
|
\indexentry{ally!I am not your friend|hyperpage}{422}
|
||||||
|
\indexentry{ally!Not my department|hyperpage}{423}
|
||||||
|
\indexentry{ally|)hyperpage}{424}
|
||||||
|
\indexentry{Mental health!bipolar!depression|hyperpage}{424}
|
||||||
|
\indexentry{Software!burnout|(hyperpage}{427}
|
||||||
|
\indexentry{Music|hyperpage}{435}
|
||||||
|
\indexentry{Software!burnout|)hyperpage}{437}
|
||||||
|
\indexentry{ally|(hyperpage}{439}
|
||||||
|
\indexentry{ally!meta|hyperpage}{440}
|
||||||
|
\indexentry{Nostalgia|hyperpage}{440}
|
||||||
|
\indexentry{Nostalgia|hyperpage}{440}
|
||||||
|
\indexentry{Family!dad|(hyperpage}{440}
|
||||||
|
\indexentry{Nostalgia|hyperpage}{441}
|
||||||
|
\indexentry{Nostalgia|hyperpage}{441}
|
||||||
|
\indexentry{Nostalgia|hyperpage}{441}
|
||||||
|
\indexentry{Numinous!colors|hyperpage}{443}
|
||||||
|
\indexentry{Liminal|hyperpage}{443}
|
||||||
|
\indexentry{ally!Not my department|hyperpage}{444}
|
||||||
|
\indexentry{ally!I am not your friend|hyperpage}{445}
|
||||||
|
\indexentry{Nostalgia|hyperpage}{446}
|
||||||
|
\indexentry{Mental health!bipolar!mania|(hyperpage}{446}
|
||||||
|
\indexentry{Relationships!Robin|hyperpage}{446}
|
||||||
|
\indexentry{Numinous!birds|hyperpage}{446}
|
||||||
|
\indexentry{Numinous|hyperpage}{446}
|
||||||
|
\indexentry{Relationships!lorxus|hyperpage}{446}
|
||||||
|
\indexentry{Relationships!Barac|hyperpage}{448}
|
||||||
|
\indexentry{Mental health!bipolar!mania|)hyperpage}{448}
|
||||||
|
\indexentry{Numinous!seven|hyperpage}{450}
|
||||||
|
\indexentry{Relationships!lorxus|hyperpage}{450}
|
||||||
|
\indexentry{The Death of Matthew|hyperpage}{451}
|
||||||
|
\indexentry{Ship of Theseus|hyperpage}{451}
|
||||||
|
\indexentry{ally!meta|hyperpage}{452}
|
||||||
|
\indexentry{ally!Not my department|hyperpage}{452}
|
||||||
|
\indexentry{Koan|hyperpage}{452}
|
||||||
|
\indexentry{ally!throwing stones|hyperpage}{453}
|
||||||
|
\indexentry{ally!throwing stones|hyperpage}{455}
|
||||||
|
\indexentry{Mental health|hyperpage}{455}
|
||||||
|
\indexentry{Nostalgia|hyperpage}{456}
|
||||||
|
\indexentry{Koan|hyperpage}{457}
|
||||||
|
\indexentry{ally|)hyperpage}{457}
|
||||||
|
\indexentry{Family!dad|)hyperpage}{457}
|
||||||
|
\indexentry{ally|hyperpage}{461}
|
||||||
|
\indexentry{Relationships!JD|hyperpage}{462}
|
||||||
|
\indexentry{Dogs|hyperpage}{462}
|
||||||
|
\indexentry{Furry|hyperpage}{462}
|
||||||
|
\indexentry{Catastrophically Maddy|hyperpage}{463}
|
||||||
30
book/ally-digital-edition.ilg
Normal file
30
book/ally-digital-edition.ilg
Normal file
@ -0,0 +1,30 @@
|
|||||||
|
This is makeindex, version 2.15 [TeX Live 2019] (kpathsea + Thai support).
|
||||||
|
Scanning input file ally-digital-edition.idx....done (331 entries accepted, 0 rejected).
|
||||||
|
Sorting entries......done (3127 comparisons).
|
||||||
|
Generating output file ally-digital-edition.ind....
|
||||||
|
## Warning (input = ally-digital-edition.idx, line = 2; output = ally-digital-edition.ind, line = 5):
|
||||||
|
-- Extra range opening operator (.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
## Warning (input = ally-digital-edition.idx, line = 16; output = ally-digital-edition.ind, line = 5):
|
||||||
|
-- Unmatched range closing operator ).
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
## Warning (input = ally-digital-edition.idx, line = 281; output = ally-digital-edition.ind, line = 7):
|
||||||
|
-- Unmatched range closing operator ).
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
## Warning (input = ally-digital-edition.idx, line = 288; output = ally-digital-edition.ind, line = 8):
|
||||||
|
-- Unmatched range closing operator ).
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
## Warning (input = ally-digital-edition.idx, line = 276; output = ally-digital-edition.ind, line = 104):
|
||||||
|
-- Unmatched range closing operator ).
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
## Warning (input = ally-digital-edition.idx, line = 275; output = ally-digital-edition.ind, line = 105):
|
||||||
|
-- Unmatched range opening operator (.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
## Warning (input = ally-digital-edition.idx, line = 92; output = ally-digital-edition.ind, line = 126):
|
||||||
|
-- Unmatched range closing operator ).
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
## Warning (input = ally-digital-edition.idx, line = 265; output = ally-digital-edition.ind, line = 176):
|
||||||
|
-- Extra range opening operator (.
|
||||||
|
done (179 lines written, 8 warnings).
|
||||||
|
Output written in ally-digital-edition.ind.
|
||||||
|
Transcript written in ally-digital-edition.ilg.
|
||||||
180
book/ally-digital-edition.ind
Normal file
180
book/ally-digital-edition.ind
Normal file
@ -0,0 +1,180 @@
|
|||||||
|
\begin{theindex}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\item Alcohol, \hyperpage{17--20}, \hyperpage{23}, \hyperpage{101},
|
||||||
|
\hyperpage{171}, \hyperpage{281}
|
||||||
|
\item ally, \hyperpage{1--11}, \hyperpage{15}, \hyperpage{58},
|
||||||
|
\hyperpage{116}, \hyperpage{187}, \hyperpage{189},
|
||||||
|
\hyperpage{191}, \hyperpage{315}, \hyperpage{341},
|
||||||
|
\hyperpage{419}, \hyperpage{424}, \hyperpage{439--457},
|
||||||
|
\hyperpage{461}
|
||||||
|
\subitem I am not your friend, \hyperpage{3}, \hyperpage{12},
|
||||||
|
\hyperpage{422}, \hyperpage{445}
|
||||||
|
\subitem meta, \hyperpage{440}, \hyperpage{452}
|
||||||
|
\subitem Not my department, \hyperpage{6}, \hyperpage{11},
|
||||||
|
\hyperpage{341}, \hyperpage{419, 420}, \hyperpage{423},
|
||||||
|
\hyperpage{444}, \hyperpage{452}
|
||||||
|
\subitem throwing stones, \hyperpage{81}, \hyperpage{84},
|
||||||
|
\hyperpage{191}, \hyperpage{202}, \hyperpage{453},
|
||||||
|
\hyperpage{455}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\indexspace
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\item Catastrophically Maddy, \hyperpage{18}, \hyperpage{54},
|
||||||
|
\hyperpage{60}, \hyperpage{388}, \hyperpage{463}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\indexspace
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\item Dogs, \hyperpage{175}, \hyperpage{299}, \hyperpage{462}
|
||||||
|
\item Dream, \hyperpage{57}, \hyperpage{87}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\indexspace
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\item Family
|
||||||
|
\subitem dad, \hyperpage{52}, \hyperpage{191}, \hyperpage{243},
|
||||||
|
\hyperpage{249--302}, \hyperpage{315}, \hyperpage{364},
|
||||||
|
\hyperpage{396}, \hyperpage{440--457}
|
||||||
|
\subsubitem running away, \hyperpage{20}, \hyperpage{263--278},
|
||||||
|
\hyperpage{298}
|
||||||
|
\subitem Jay, \hyperpage{52--66}
|
||||||
|
\subitem Julie, \hyperpage{54}, \hyperpage{249}, \hyperpage{251},
|
||||||
|
\hyperpage{258, 259}
|
||||||
|
\subitem mom, \hyperpage{52}, \hyperpage{240--242}, \hyperpage{273},
|
||||||
|
\hyperpage{299}
|
||||||
|
\item Furry, \hyperpage{72}, \hyperpage{80}, \hyperpage{82},
|
||||||
|
\hyperpage{86}, \hyperpage{111--149},
|
||||||
|
\hyperpage{189, 190}, \hyperpage{462}
|
||||||
|
\subitem [adjective][species], \hyperpage{8}, \hyperpage{124}
|
||||||
|
\subitem fursoñas
|
||||||
|
\subsubitem Happenstance, \hyperpage{148}
|
||||||
|
\subsubitem Macchi, \hyperpage{153}
|
||||||
|
\subsubitem Maddy, \hyperpage{82}, \hyperpage{112, 113},
|
||||||
|
\hyperpage{148}
|
||||||
|
\subsubitem Makyo, \hyperpage{112}, \hyperpage{148},
|
||||||
|
\hyperpage{150}, \hyperpage{153}
|
||||||
|
\subsubitem Sarai, \hyperpage{148}
|
||||||
|
\subsubitem Younes, \hyperpage{148--155}, \hyperpage{191}
|
||||||
|
\subitem Margaras, \hyperpage{118}, \hyperpage{125--148},
|
||||||
|
\hyperpage{239}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\indexspace
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\item Gender, \hyperpage{7}, \hyperpage{23}, \hyperpage{57},
|
||||||
|
\hyperpage{64}, \hyperpage{149}, \hyperpage{189--205},
|
||||||
|
\hyperpage{240--248}, \hyperpage{251},
|
||||||
|
\hyperpage{283--298}, \hyperpage{401}
|
||||||
|
\subitem surgery, \hyperpage{90}, \hyperpage{198},
|
||||||
|
\hyperpage{207--229}
|
||||||
|
\subitem TIASAP, \hyperpage{75}, \hyperpage{88}, \hyperpage{154},
|
||||||
|
\hyperpage{241}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\indexspace
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\item Journal entries, \hyperpage{4}, \hyperpage{26--31},
|
||||||
|
\hyperpage{42}, \hyperpage{47}, \hyperpage{56},
|
||||||
|
\hyperpage{61}, \hyperpage{126--146}, \hyperpage{176},
|
||||||
|
\hyperpage{264}, \hyperpage{307--311}, \hyperpage{353}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\indexspace
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\item Koan, \hyperpage{111--115}, \hyperpage{452}, \hyperpage{457}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\indexspace
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\item Letters, \hyperpage{240--241}, \hyperpage{283--294}
|
||||||
|
\item Liminal, \hyperpage{41}, \hyperpage{191}, \hyperpage{233--248},
|
||||||
|
\hyperpage{443}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\indexspace
|
||||||
|
\newpage
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\item Mental health, \hyperpage{455}
|
||||||
|
\subitem anxiety, \hyperpage{20}, \hyperpage{170}, \hyperpage{270}
|
||||||
|
\subitem bipolar
|
||||||
|
\subsubitem depression, \hyperpage{167}, \hyperpage{251},
|
||||||
|
\hyperpage{424}
|
||||||
|
\subsubitem mania, \hyperpage{23}, \hyperpage{41}, \hyperpage{50},
|
||||||
|
\hyperpage{96--109}, \hyperpage{446--448}
|
||||||
|
\subitem dissociation, \hyperpage{171}, \hyperpage{315}
|
||||||
|
\subitem medication, \hyperpage{149}, \hyperpage{170}
|
||||||
|
\subitem movement disorders, \hyperpage{279}, \hyperpage{343--368}
|
||||||
|
\subitem self harm, \hyperpage{81}, \hyperpage{155--162},
|
||||||
|
\hyperpage{172}, \hyperpage{174}
|
||||||
|
\subitem suicide, \hyperpage{163--189}
|
||||||
|
\item Music, \hyperpage{396--408}, \hyperpage{435}
|
||||||
|
\subitem choir, \hyperpage{400--404}
|
||||||
|
\subitem composing, \hyperpage{407}
|
||||||
|
\subitem composition, \hyperpage{404}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\indexspace
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\item Nostalgia, \hyperpage{9}, \hyperpage{117, 118}, \hyperpage{163},
|
||||||
|
\hyperpage{276}, \hyperpage{440, 441}, \hyperpage{446},
|
||||||
|
\hyperpage{456}
|
||||||
|
\item Numinous, \hyperpage{303--340}, \hyperpage{446}
|
||||||
|
\subitem birds, \hyperpage{41--49}, \hyperpage{336--337},
|
||||||
|
\hyperpage{446}
|
||||||
|
\subitem colors, \hyperpage{9}, \hyperpage{26--41}, \hyperpage{443}
|
||||||
|
\subitem seven, \hyperpage{6}, \hyperpage{147}, \hyperpage{303},
|
||||||
|
\hyperpage{306}, \hyperpage{328, 329}, \hyperpage{450}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\indexspace
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\item Relationships
|
||||||
|
\subitem Barac, \hyperpage{65}, \hyperpage{87}, \hyperpage{421},
|
||||||
|
\hyperpage{448}
|
||||||
|
\subitem Colton, \hyperpage{65}, \hyperpage{87}, \hyperpage{421}
|
||||||
|
\subitem Danny, \hyperpage{71}, \hyperpage{116}, \hyperpage{118}
|
||||||
|
\subitem JD, \hyperpage{66}, \hyperpage{85}, \hyperpage{87},
|
||||||
|
\hyperpage{121}, \hyperpage{149}, \hyperpage{174},
|
||||||
|
\hyperpage{193}, \hyperpage{462}
|
||||||
|
\subitem Judith, \hyperpage{8}, \hyperpage{65, 66}, \hyperpage{87}
|
||||||
|
\subitem Justin, \hyperpage{65, 66}, \hyperpage{80}
|
||||||
|
\subitem Kayla, \hyperpage{84}
|
||||||
|
\subitem lorxus, \hyperpage{446}, \hyperpage{450}
|
||||||
|
\subitem Marek, \hyperpage{118}
|
||||||
|
\subitem Merlin, \hyperpage{58}
|
||||||
|
\subitem Michael, \hyperpage{56}, \hyperpage{81--84},
|
||||||
|
\hyperpage{307}
|
||||||
|
\subitem polyamory, \hyperpage{50--68}
|
||||||
|
\subitem Rikoshi, \hyperpage{153}
|
||||||
|
\subitem Robin, \hyperpage{66}, \hyperpage{87}, \hyperpage{446}
|
||||||
|
\subitem Tyson, \hyperpage{149}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\indexspace
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\item Sex, \hyperpage{69--93}
|
||||||
|
\subitem asexuality, \hyperpage{74--93}
|
||||||
|
\subitem kink, \hyperpage{78--84}
|
||||||
|
\subitem rape, \hyperpage{77}, \hyperpage{84--93}
|
||||||
|
\subitem TS, \hyperpage{78}, \hyperpage{82}, \hyperpage{86, 87},
|
||||||
|
\hyperpage{90}, \hyperpage{116}
|
||||||
|
\item Ship of Theseus, \hyperpage{23}, \hyperpage{57}, \hyperpage{59},
|
||||||
|
\hyperpage{451}
|
||||||
|
\item Software, \hyperpage{409--418}
|
||||||
|
\subitem burnout, \hyperpage{417}, \hyperpage{427--437}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\indexspace
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\item The Death of Matthew, \hyperpage{23}, \hyperpage{57},
|
||||||
|
\hyperpage{80}, \hyperpage{125}, \hyperpage{153},
|
||||||
|
\hyperpage{163}, \hyperpage{233}, \hyperpage{235},
|
||||||
|
\hyperpage{239}, \hyperpage{282}, \hyperpage{371},
|
||||||
|
\hyperpage{451}
|
||||||
|
\item Thisness, \hyperpage{167}, \hyperpage{171}, \hyperpage{350},
|
||||||
|
\hyperpage{362}
|
||||||
|
\item Tweets, \hyperpage{47}, \hyperpage{179}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\indexspace
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\item Writing, \hyperpage{370--396}
|
||||||
|
\subitem Keats, \hyperpage{124}, \hyperpage{388}
|
||||||
|
\subitem samples
|
||||||
|
\subsubitem fiction, \hyperpage{71--72}, \hyperpage{98--100},
|
||||||
|
\hyperpage{359--362}
|
||||||
|
\subsubitem poetry, \hyperpage{3}, \hyperpage{40},
|
||||||
|
\hyperpage{147}, \hyperpage{207--229},
|
||||||
|
\hyperpage{299--300}, \hyperpage{306},
|
||||||
|
\hyperpage{317--322}, \hyperpage{327--332},
|
||||||
|
\hyperpage{379--388}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\end{theindex}
|
||||||
Binary file not shown.
211
book/ally-digital-edition.tex
Normal file
211
book/ally-digital-edition.tex
Normal file
@ -0,0 +1,211 @@
|
|||||||
|
\documentclass[11pt,onesided]{memoir}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\def\watermarkloaded{0}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\input{includes/variables}
|
||||||
|
\input{includes/draft}
|
||||||
|
\input{includes/frame}
|
||||||
|
\input{includes/packages}
|
||||||
|
\input{includes/geometry-digital}
|
||||||
|
\input{includes/toc}
|
||||||
|
\input{includes/font}
|
||||||
|
\input{includes/pagelayout-digital}
|
||||||
|
\input{includes/title}
|
||||||
|
\input{includes/secdiv}
|
||||||
|
\input{includes/hyphenation}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\begin{document}
|
||||||
|
\includepdf{cover-front.pdf}
|
||||||
|
\includepdf{cover-back-bar.pdf}
|
||||||
|
\frontmatter
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\input{includes/pretitle}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\pagestyle{plain}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\doublespacing
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\null
|
||||||
|
\vfill
|
||||||
|
\begin{flushright}
|
||||||
|
{\fontspec{Merriweather Sans}[Scale=1.5,Color=444444FF]\Huge ally}
|
||||||
|
\vfill
|
||||||
|
{\Huge Madison Scott-Clary}
|
||||||
|
\end{flushright}
|
||||||
|
% \vfill
|
||||||
|
\thispagestyle{empty}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\newpage
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\input{includes/copyright-digital}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
% \tableofcontents*
|
||||||
|
\newpage
|
||||||
|
\null
|
||||||
|
\thispagestyle{empty}
|
||||||
|
\cleardoublepage
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\onehalfspacing
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
% \input{content/preface}
|
||||||
|
\null
|
||||||
|
\vfill
|
||||||
|
\begin{center}
|
||||||
|
{\allyFont ally} began in the form of an interactive website.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
The project continues at {\allyFont https://ally.id}
|
||||||
|
\end{center}
|
||||||
|
\vfill
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\mainmatter
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\pagestyle{ourbook}
|
||||||
|
% \input{content/ally001.tex}
|
||||||
|
\columnratio{0.618}
|
||||||
|
\setlength\columnsep{20pt}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
%%%%%
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\input{content/ally/002.tex}
|
||||||
|
\cleardoublepage
|
||||||
|
\input{content/ally/003.tex}
|
||||||
|
\input{content/ally/004.tex}
|
||||||
|
\cleardoublepage
|
||||||
|
\input{content/ally/026.tex}
|
||||||
|
\null
|
||||||
|
\thispagestyle{empty}
|
||||||
|
\cleardoublepage
|
||||||
|
\input{content/ally/027.tex}
|
||||||
|
\cleardoublepage
|
||||||
|
\input{content/ally/005.tex}
|
||||||
|
\input{content/ally/006.tex}
|
||||||
|
\cleardoublepage
|
||||||
|
\input{content/ally/007.tex}
|
||||||
|
\null
|
||||||
|
\thispagestyle{empty}
|
||||||
|
\newpage
|
||||||
|
\input{content/ally/008-digital.tex}
|
||||||
|
\input{content/ally/009.tex}
|
||||||
|
\input{content/ally/010.tex}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\input{content/poly.tex}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\cleardoublepage
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\input{content/sex/sex.tex}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\null
|
||||||
|
\thispagestyle{empty}
|
||||||
|
\cleardoublepage
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\input{content/ally/011.tex}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\input{content/from-within.tex}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\cleardoublepage
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\input{content/ally/012.tex}
|
||||||
|
% \input{content/ally/013.tex} % Merged with above.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\cleardoublepage
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\input{content/furry/furry.tex}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\input{content/furry/younes.tex}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\input{content/self-harm/self-harm.tex}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\input{content/self-harm/suicide.tex}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\cleardoublepage
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\input{content/gender/gender.tex}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\cleardoublepage
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\input{content/gender/surgery.tex}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\cleardoublepage
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\input{content/ally/015.tex}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\cleardoublepage
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\input{content/liminal.tex}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\cleardoublepage
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\input{content/dad.tex}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\input{content/ally/016.tex}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\input{content/poet-and-mystic-digital.tex}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\cleardoublepage
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\input{content/ally/023.tex}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\cleardoublepage
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\input{content/movement.tex}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\cleardoublepage
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\input{content/ally/017.tex}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\input{content/writing/writing.tex}
|
||||||
|
\input{content/writing/music.tex}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\input{content/ally/018.tex}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\input{content/writing/software.tex}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\cleardoublepage
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\input{content/ally/024.tex}
|
||||||
|
\input{content/ally/025.tex}
|
||||||
|
\input{content/ally/028.tex}
|
||||||
|
\input{content/ally/029.tex}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\cleardoublepage
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\input{content/burnout.tex}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\null
|
||||||
|
\thispagestyle{empty}
|
||||||
|
\cleardoublepage
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
% \input{content/ally/019.tex}
|
||||||
|
% \input{content/ally/020.tex}
|
||||||
|
% \input{content/ally/021.tex}
|
||||||
|
% \input{content/ally/022.tex}
|
||||||
|
% \input{content/ally/030.tex}
|
||||||
|
% \input{content/ally/031.tex}
|
||||||
|
% \input{content/ally/032.tex}
|
||||||
|
\input{content/ally/long-tail.tex}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\null
|
||||||
|
\thispagestyle{empty}
|
||||||
|
\cleardoublepage
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\null
|
||||||
|
\vfill
|
||||||
|
\begin{verse}
|
||||||
|
Endings were writ on your face,\\
|
||||||
|
\vin your hands,\\
|
||||||
|
\vin \vin and your steps ---
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
your very pace spoke of completion.
|
||||||
|
\end{verse}
|
||||||
|
\vfill
|
||||||
|
\newpage
|
||||||
|
\null
|
||||||
|
\thispagestyle{empty}
|
||||||
|
\cleardoublepage
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\backmatter
|
||||||
|
\pagestyle{empty}
|
||||||
|
\input{content/afterword}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\end{document}
|
||||||
190
book/content/ally/008-digital.tex
Normal file
190
book/content/ally/008-digital.tex
Normal file
@ -0,0 +1,190 @@
|
|||||||
|
\label{ally:8}
|
||||||
|
\index{Numinous!colors|(}
|
||||||
|
\begin{paracol}{2}
|
||||||
|
\begin{rightcolumn*}
|
||||||
|
\index{Journal entries|(}
|
||||||
|
\begin{flushright}
|
||||||
|
\emph{July 2nd, 2004, shortly after midnight}
|
||||||
|
\end{flushright}
|
||||||
|
\end{rightcolumn*}
|
||||||
|
\begin{leftcolumn}
|
||||||
|
\noindent My emotions are gaining distinct colors, like a kind of twisted synaesthesia. There's definitely a sense of physical location associated with each emotion, and it's not always internal. There may also be a tactile part to this, but I have yet to experience it in any different places or with any different touches, so it may just be one continuous headache that goes latent occasionally.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
An example: when pondering ****, a luminescent fuschia color that seems to be flowing in the right hemisphere of my brain; when thinking of ******* and snuggling, a warm, earthy brown with a little bit of green in a pine-needle-ish pattern about a foot and a half in front of me and slightly to the left; tiredness is off-white everywhere and blind hopelessness is bright blue wrapped around my mind. The headache moves around, but it's mostly at the lower, back, right side of my head. Ibuprofin works well.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
This isn't what I meant when I was talking about beautiful pain.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
Current mood: Bright blue with a tinge of purple, but mostly off white and hazy.
|
||||||
|
\end{leftcolumn}
|
||||||
|
\end{paracol}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\includepdf{assets/static/color/blue_flag.pdf}
|
||||||
|
\newpage
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\begin{paracol}{2}
|
||||||
|
\begin{rightcolumn*}
|
||||||
|
\begin{flushright}
|
||||||
|
\emph{July 3rd, 2004, shortly after midnight}
|
||||||
|
\end{flushright}
|
||||||
|
\end{rightcolumn*}
|
||||||
|
\begin{leftcolumn}
|
||||||
|
\noindent Greens covering my chest and shoulders warmly are happiness.
|
||||||
|
\vfill
|
||||||
|
\end{leftcolumn}
|
||||||
|
\end{paracol}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\includepdf{assets/static/color/green_door.pdf}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\begin{paracol}{2}
|
||||||
|
\begin{leftcolumn}
|
||||||
|
\begin{ally}
|
||||||
|
And that's when I showed up, yes?
|
||||||
|
\end{ally}
|
||||||
|
Yeah, later that day.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\begin{quotation}
|
||||||
|
\noindent The navy blue I've been seeing at waist level in front of me and to my left is contentment. I'm not entirely sure that it being omnipresent is a good thing, however, considering the colors it's mixed with. Am I really content with longing and hopelessness? It's not out of the question, I suppose that it could just be another aspect of my personality. But that just brings up the question of whether or not it's something I ingrained into myself through habit, something where I just kinda accepted that feeling such things is normal, okay, and what I want; or is it something I was born with, or that we're all born with? Is it a side effect of love, expecting impossible desires and the blind hopelessness that follows the end of a four year undertaking?
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\begin{ally}
|
||||||
|
Whatever, you're rambling.
|
||||||
|
\end{ally}
|
||||||
|
Guilty, conspirator.
|
||||||
|
\end{quotation}
|
||||||
|
\newpage
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\begin{ally}
|
||||||
|
And these pictures?
|
||||||
|
\end{ally}
|
||||||
|
All from years later. The color thing comes and goes, like you.
|
||||||
|
\end{leftcolumn}
|
||||||
|
\begin{rightcolumn*}
|
||||||
|
\index{Journal entries|)}
|
||||||
|
\emph{April 8, 2004}
|
||||||
|
\end{rightcolumn*}
|
||||||
|
\begin{leftcolumn}
|
||||||
|
\begin{verse}
|
||||||
|
The undersides\\
|
||||||
|
\vin \vin off gray\\
|
||||||
|
\vin of clouds\\
|
||||||
|
\vin drift\\
|
||||||
|
\vin \vin while I\\
|
||||||
|
\vin \vin \vin on the path\\
|
||||||
|
\vin \vin stand\\
|
||||||
|
\vin above\\
|
||||||
|
\vin \vin where the crow flies\\
|
||||||
|
\vin me.\\
|
||||||
|
Off\\
|
||||||
|
\vin \vin with purple\\
|
||||||
|
\vin gray, I\\
|
||||||
|
\vin \vin wandering\\
|
||||||
|
\vin ponder, should\\
|
||||||
|
\vin \vin in a perfect\\
|
||||||
|
\vin \vin \vin were there such a thing\\
|
||||||
|
\vin \vin world\\
|
||||||
|
\vin be a\\
|
||||||
|
\vin \vin though the word is plain\\
|
||||||
|
\vin color with it's own\\
|
||||||
|
\vin \vin to name\\
|
||||||
|
\vin \vin \vin as they say\\
|
||||||
|
\vin \vin creates\\
|
||||||
|
\vin word.\\
|
||||||
|
It soothes.
|
||||||
|
\end{verse}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\noindent Sometimes I'm overcome by the numinous. Sometimes it's colors, sometimes it's you, sometimes it's a silence swelling within my chest, stealing breath.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\begin{ally}
|
||||||
|
He would be riding on the subway or writing formulas on the blackboard or having a meal or (as now) sitting and talking to someone across a table, and it would envelop him like a soundless tsunami.
|
||||||
|
\end{ally}
|
||||||
|
That's a post-rock song title.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\begin{ally}
|
||||||
|
Is it wrong?
|
||||||
|
\end{ally}
|
||||||
|
\end{leftcolumn}
|
||||||
|
\end{paracol}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\includepdf{assets/static/color/orange_eyes.pdf}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\begin{paracol}{2}
|
||||||
|
\begin{leftcolumn}
|
||||||
|
\noindent I'll take a picture, lasso a color, and desaturate everything else. Sometimes, it's fun. I do it to Falcon's eyes a lot because they're so pretty.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\begin{ally}
|
||||||
|
And sometimes it's something more.
|
||||||
|
\end{ally}
|
||||||
|
Yeah. Sometimes it's a compulsion. Sometimes a picture will latch onto me and never let me go. Sometimes I'll remove all color.
|
||||||
|
\end{leftcolumn}
|
||||||
|
\end{paracol}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
% XXX Too jaggy
|
||||||
|
% \includepdf{assets/static/color/bw1.pdf}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\includepdf{assets/static/color/bw2.pdf}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\begin{paracol}{2}
|
||||||
|
\begin{leftcolumn}
|
||||||
|
\noindent Sometimes I'll blow out the background because the foreground is so completely overwhelming.
|
||||||
|
\end{leftcolumn}
|
||||||
|
\end{paracol}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\includepdf{assets/static/color/bw3.pdf}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\begin{paracol}{2}
|
||||||
|
\begin{leftcolumn}
|
||||||
|
\noindent Sometimes I'll skew colors all in one direction.
|
||||||
|
\end{leftcolumn}
|
||||||
|
\end{paracol}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\includepdf{assets/static/color/window_view.pdf}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\vfill
|
||||||
|
\newpage
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\begin{paracol}{2}
|
||||||
|
\begin{rightcolumn}
|
||||||
|
\null
|
||||||
|
\vfill
|
||||||
|
\noindent\includegraphics[width=2.5in]{assets/3.png}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\begin{quote}
|
||||||
|
\emph{Lines and curves, lines and curves. Beginning now.}\footnote{makyo.ink/acts-of-intent/}
|
||||||
|
\end{quote}
|
||||||
|
\end{rightcolumn}
|
||||||
|
\begin{leftcolumn}
|
||||||
|
\noindent It's not an artistic decision. Not \emph{just}, at least. It's always something more.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\index{Writing!samples!poetry}
|
||||||
|
\begin{verse}
|
||||||
|
Inter ĝuo kaj timo\\
|
||||||
|
Estas loko de tro da signifo.\\
|
||||||
|
Apud kompreno, ekster saĝo,\\
|
||||||
|
Tamen ĝi tutampleksas.\\
|
||||||
|
Mi kompareble malgrandas\\
|
||||||
|
Kaj ĝi tro granda estas.\\
|
||||||
|
Nekomprenebla\\
|
||||||
|
Nekontestebla,\\
|
||||||
|
Senmova kaj ĉiam ŝanĝiĝema.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
Between joy and fear\\
|
||||||
|
Is a place of too much meaning.\\
|
||||||
|
Next to understanding, outside wisdom,\\
|
||||||
|
It nonetheless expands.\\
|
||||||
|
I'm so small beside it\\
|
||||||
|
and it is too big.\\
|
||||||
|
Incomprehensible,\\
|
||||||
|
Incontestible,\\
|
||||||
|
Unmoving and always changing.
|
||||||
|
\end{verse}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\noindent A sigil\footnote{makyo.github.io/tinysigil} need not just be lines and curves.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\begin{ally}
|
||||||
|
Or maybe it's just mania.
|
||||||
|
\end{ally}
|
||||||
|
It may be.\footnote{ally.id/mania}
|
||||||
|
\newpage
|
||||||
|
\end{leftcolumn}
|
||||||
|
\end{paracol}
|
||||||
|
\index{Numinous!colors|)}
|
||||||
997
book/content/poet-and-mystic-digital.tex
Normal file
997
book/content/poet-and-mystic-digital.tex
Normal file
@ -0,0 +1,997 @@
|
|||||||
|
\label{poet-and-mystic}
|
||||||
|
\index{Numinous|(}
|
||||||
|
\renewfontfamily\pagenumfont{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=CCCCDDFF]
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\backgroundcolor{c[0]}[HTML]{2f082a}
|
||||||
|
\backgroundcolor{C[0](10000pt,10000pt)(0.6\columnsep,10000pt)}[HTML]{2f082a}
|
||||||
|
\backgroundcolor{c[1]}[HTML]{2f082a}
|
||||||
|
\backgroundcolor{C[1](0.6\columnsep,10000pt)(10000pt,10000pt)}[HTML]{2f082a}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\index{Numinous!seven}
|
||||||
|
\includepdf{assets/static/master.pdf}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\begin{paracol}{2}
|
||||||
|
\begin{rightcolumn*}
|
||||||
|
\input{content/induction.tex}
|
||||||
|
\end{rightcolumn*}
|
||||||
|
\begin{leftcolumn}
|
||||||
|
\fontspec{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=CCCCDDFF,Ligatures=TeX]
|
||||||
|
\renewfontfamily\allyFont{Merriweather Sans}[Scale=0.9,Color=EEEEFFFF,Ligatures=TeX]
|
||||||
|
\noindent \emph{Here is the difference betwixt the poet and the mystic, that the last nails a symbol to one sense, which was a true sense for a moment, but soon becomes old and false. For all symbols are fluxional; all language is vehicular and transitive, and is good, as ferries and horses are, for conveyance, not as farms and houses are, for homestead. Mysticism consists in the mistake of an accidental and individual symbol for an universal one.}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\begin{ally}
|
||||||
|
Pretty.
|
||||||
|
\end{ally}
|
||||||
|
I didn't write it.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\begin{ally}
|
||||||
|
I know.
|
||||||
|
\end{ally}
|
||||||
|
I scramble through great heaps of words and sounds to try and at least pin some of them to fleeting symbols. Maybe then I'll be able to learn to see more of the accidental and individual symbols.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\begin{ally}
|
||||||
|
Too many words, too many sounds.
|
||||||
|
\end{ally}
|
||||||
|
Yes.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\begin{ally}
|
||||||
|
You wrote four pieces about the winds coming down over the foothills near Boulder (for, of all things, wind quartet), just to try and capture one ecstatic experience.
|
||||||
|
\end{ally}
|
||||||
|
I like those. I like the result.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\begin{ally}
|
||||||
|
You like the first two, most of all. They remind you of how hollow you felt, how you could feel the wind blow through you, vibrating your soul like the pipe of an organ, exciting you to ever higher harmonics.
|
||||||
|
\end{ally}
|
||||||
|
Yes.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\begin{ally}
|
||||||
|
But then you kept writing.
|
||||||
|
\end{ally}
|
||||||
|
Yeah. I make a terrible poet.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\begin{ally}
|
||||||
|
You make a terrible mystic. Your poetry's just okay.
|
||||||
|
\end{ally}
|
||||||
|
\newpage
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\end{leftcolumn}
|
||||||
|
\begin{rightcolumn*}
|
||||||
|
\index{Writing!samples!poetry}
|
||||||
|
\fontspec{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=CCCCDDFF,Ligatures=TeX]
|
||||||
|
\renewfontfamily\allyFont{Merriweather Sans}[Scale=0.9,Color=EEEEFFFF,Ligatures=TeX]
|
||||||
|
\begin{verse}[1.01\textwidth]
|
||||||
|
\small
|
||||||
|
Seven\index{Numinous!seven} flies circle,\\
|
||||||
|
Trimmers chatter down the block:\\
|
||||||
|
The hum of summer.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
{\fontspec{Merriweather Sans Italic}[Scale=0.9,Color=EEEEEEFF,Ligatures=TeX] \vin I listen, silent, waiting,\\
|
||||||
|
\vin Breathing in sun and out shade.}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
Fig leaves like fingers\\
|
||||||
|
paw feebly through still hot air\\
|
||||||
|
and come up with naught.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
{\fontspec{Merriweather Sans Italic}[Scale=0.9,Color=EEEEEEFF,Ligatures=TeX] \vin Too early for fruit to droop,\\
|
||||||
|
\vin we must wait past midsummer.}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
And I walk until\\
|
||||||
|
all I can hear is the wind\\
|
||||||
|
among the fir trees.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
{\fontspec{Merriweather Sans Italic}[Scale=0.9,Color=EEEEEEFF,Ligatures=TeX] \vin Summer breezes bear away\\
|
||||||
|
\vin all the choices of years past.}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
Drink deep of death-thoughts\\
|
||||||
|
as the day dies with a yawn ---\\
|
||||||
|
the year starts to fade.
|
||||||
|
\end{verse}
|
||||||
|
\end{rightcolumn*}
|
||||||
|
\begin{leftcolumn}
|
||||||
|
\fontspec{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=CCCCDDFF,Ligatures=TeX]
|
||||||
|
\renewfontfamily\allyFont{Merriweather Sans}[Scale=0.9,Color=EEEEFFFF,Ligatures=TeX]
|
||||||
|
\noindent How can I capture that essence of stillness? How can I become nothing?
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\begin{ally}
|
||||||
|
Not reaching. Not trying.
|
||||||
|
\end{ally}
|
||||||
|
How can I read the ecstasy of signs? How can I feel those black birds bursting free of my hunched shoulders?
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\begin{ally}
|
||||||
|
Step beside yourself. Take your own hand.
|
||||||
|
\end{ally}
|
||||||
|
How can I feel the cord that ties me to the center of the earth? How can I see where it leads? How can I walk the spiral?
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\begin{ally}
|
||||||
|
Reach down, bury your fingers in rich earth, take root.
|
||||||
|
\end{ally}
|
||||||
|
The cant of ritual.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\begin{ally}
|
||||||
|
The scent of incense.
|
||||||
|
\end{ally}
|
||||||
|
The rhythm of chant.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\begin{ally}
|
||||||
|
The ripple of water.
|
||||||
|
\end{ally}
|
||||||
|
Call and response.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\begin{ally}
|
||||||
|
The flicker of a candle.
|
||||||
|
\end{ally}
|
||||||
|
Voices echoing voices echoing voices echoing\ldots{}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\begin{ally}
|
||||||
|
Clay between fingertips.
|
||||||
|
\end{ally}
|
||||||
|
And then?
|
||||||
|
\newpage
|
||||||
|
\end{leftcolumn}
|
||||||
|
\begin{rightcolumn*}
|
||||||
|
\fontspec{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=CCCCDDFF,Ligatures=TeX]
|
||||||
|
\renewfontfamily\allyFont{Merriweather Sans}[Scale=0.9,Color=EEEEFFFF,Ligatures=TeX]
|
||||||
|
\index{Journal entries|(}
|
||||||
|
\emph{March 10, 2004}
|
||||||
|
\end{rightcolumn*}
|
||||||
|
\begin{leftcolumn}
|
||||||
|
\fontspec{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=CCCCDDFF,Ligatures=TeX]
|
||||||
|
\renewfontfamily\allyFont{Merriweather Sans}[Scale=0.9,Color=EEEEFFFF,Ligatures=TeX]
|
||||||
|
\noindent We wandered around for a bit before ending up sprawled in a fire-escape at FHS with Shannon in my lap, me in Ash's lap, and Andrew in Kiran's lap. Andrew ditched to go shooting with Ash and Kiran, while I went to bomb a history test. That's when things started getting really weird. I had a percoset relapse (whether that's what it was or not, it felt oddly similar to the real thing: an incurable itch buried beneath my skin, to the point where I can't actually scratch it) near the end of the period, and then in choir I imploded from empathy - so many emotions from others that I had no room for my own. Then, horns grew from my chest and head, and wings from my back; a giant fox escaped, left, and exploded into a thousand birds over Viele. Mind you, none of this really happened, but I sure felt strange. During latin, I exploded from empathy in a patchwork swirl of colors while Starin et al. stared on as I banged my head against the desk. Ms. Gibert didn't notice. I yelled for help inaudibly and searched out white points of light in the black silhouette of Boulder. I yelled for Ash and searched for Moondog.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
Afterwards, I figured out how to regain control (mostly) and just in time for the bell to ring. I got a small mocha at Cafe Sole, got eaten by small greenish crystals on a table while supposed psychics did fairy readings from a kids book, and here I am, about to take a shower and get ready for Great Works rehearsal, and then group, whereupon I shall request to Reiki Moondog (again) during the speakers board on gay marriage. Hopefully I don't ex-/im-plode again \^{}\^{}\index{Relationships!Michael}
|
||||||
|
\newpage
|
||||||
|
\end{leftcolumn}
|
||||||
|
\begin{rightcolumn*}
|
||||||
|
\fontspec{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=CCCCDDFF,Ligatures=TeX]
|
||||||
|
\renewfontfamily\allyFont{Merriweather Sans}[Scale=0.9,Color=EEEEFFFF,Ligatures=TeX]
|
||||||
|
\begin{flushright}
|
||||||
|
\emph{April 12, 2004}
|
||||||
|
\end{flushright}
|
||||||
|
\end{rightcolumn*}
|
||||||
|
\begin{leftcolumn}
|
||||||
|
\fontspec{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=CCCCDDFF,Ligatures=TeX]
|
||||||
|
\renewfontfamily\allyFont{Merriweather Sans}[Scale=0.9,Color=EEEEFFFF,Ligatures=TeX]
|
||||||
|
\begin{quotation}
|
||||||
|
\noindent You have come, finally, to a safe place. You have arrived at the point where it counts most, the point at which Life itself seems to fall away, leaving behind nothing of it's former shell: that blackened husk of body and mind that housed a bright bright star. Years and years, it took, places and places and each day offering good and bad, but you, lucky you, saw past that, saw beyond the grid of your perception to see inside others, touching and caressing the bright points of light that were essentially them, cherishing each for not only their good points, but for their faults as well. The energy flowed around and through you in the concentric spirals of the labyrinth and the Bat Qol kept you clean and pure with the voice of God and the Buddha in me to the Buddha in you weaved everything under the sun into Life itself. This is Rapture.
|
||||||
|
\end{quotation}
|
||||||
|
\newpage
|
||||||
|
\end{leftcolumn}
|
||||||
|
\begin{rightcolumn*}
|
||||||
|
\fontspec{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=CCCCDDFF,Ligatures=TeX]
|
||||||
|
\renewfontfamily\allyFont{Merriweather Sans}[Scale=0.9,Color=EEEEFFFF,Ligatures=TeX]
|
||||||
|
\emph{June 7, 2004}
|
||||||
|
\end{rightcolumn*}
|
||||||
|
\begin{leftcolumn}
|
||||||
|
\fontspec{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=CCCCDDFF,Ligatures=TeX]
|
||||||
|
\renewfontfamily\allyFont{Merriweather Sans}[Scale=0.9,Color=EEEEFFFF,Ligatures=TeX]
|
||||||
|
\begin{quotation}
|
||||||
|
\noindent I'd like to chant, perhaps Emmeleia.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\begin{ally}
|
||||||
|
Or.. you could come up with something on your own. You know, do something productive with Nanon.
|
||||||
|
\end{ally}
|
||||||
|
There's a thought. I still need to do those spells for Androo.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\begin{ally}
|
||||||
|
Exactly. Productive
|
||||||
|
\end{ally}
|
||||||
|
I've noticed that, while my emotional colors are fading, you're becoming more prominent.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
Who are you?
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\begin{ally}
|
||||||
|
I'm a meme; I'm the idea of Lady Sage and Master Yage,
|
||||||
|
\end{ally}
|
||||||
|
\begin{ally}
|
||||||
|
or maybe Eris and God. Are they the same?
|
||||||
|
\end{ally}
|
||||||
|
\begin{ally}
|
||||||
|
I'm me.
|
||||||
|
\end{ally}
|
||||||
|
\begin{ally}
|
||||||
|
I'm you. Are they the same?
|
||||||
|
\end{ally}
|
||||||
|
\begin{ally}
|
||||||
|
I'm the fifth line of five.
|
||||||
|
\end{ally}
|
||||||
|
You're an elusive bugger, that's what you are.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\begin{ally}
|
||||||
|
Damn straight.
|
||||||
|
\end{ally}
|
||||||
|
You're depressing, too.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\vspace{2\baselineskip}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\noindent\ldots{}hello?
|
||||||
|
\end{quotation}
|
||||||
|
\newpage
|
||||||
|
\end{leftcolumn}
|
||||||
|
\begin{rightcolumn*}
|
||||||
|
\fontspec{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=CCCCDDFF,Ligatures=TeX]
|
||||||
|
\renewfontfamily\allyFont{Merriweather Sans}[Scale=0.9,Color=EEEEFFFF,Ligatures=TeX]
|
||||||
|
\begin{flushright}
|
||||||
|
\emph{October 5, 2004}
|
||||||
|
\end{flushright}
|
||||||
|
\end{rightcolumn*}
|
||||||
|
\begin{leftcolumn}
|
||||||
|
\fontspec{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=CCCCDDFF,Ligatures=TeX]
|
||||||
|
\renewfontfamily\allyFont{Merriweather Sans}[Scale=0.9,Color=EEEEFFFF,Ligatures=TeX]
|
||||||
|
\begin{quotation}
|
||||||
|
\noindent Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
Upon reading certain things, upon hearing certain songs, upon seeing certain people, upon smelling certain scents, upon tasting certain foods, upon feeling certain feelings and upon losing myself, it flows, the light, in through the head, out through the heart, washes over all, and, being lost in it, have found myself without.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\begin{ally}
|
||||||
|
How poetic.
|
||||||
|
\end{ally}
|
||||||
|
These are the white things. Cold, bright, burning, white.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
But the light isn't as it used to be. It was a thing to light up a day, a thing to light up me, filling completely. Now a simple thread flows from head to heart, and the light doesn't stray from the path of least resistance.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\begin{ally}
|
||||||
|
Love follows not the law of Ohm.
|
||||||
|
\end{ally}
|
||||||
|
Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
Light can be many things, but here, now, it means love - all four loves - and it's a strange feeling to have been so full of it for so long, then to suddenly be nearly without.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\begin{ally}
|
||||||
|
Full of what? Full of shit? How pathetic, how trite.
|
||||||
|
\end{ally}
|
||||||
|
Having deified love for several years, it's a shock to my faith to have it disappear, even if it only turns out to be temporary.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\begin{ally}
|
||||||
|
Faith? You're faithful? How have you EVER been faithful to love?
|
||||||
|
\end{ally}
|
||||||
|
Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani!
|
||||||
|
\end{quotation}
|
||||||
|
\index{Journal entries|)}
|
||||||
|
\newpage
|
||||||
|
\null
|
||||||
|
\thispagestyle{empty}
|
||||||
|
\newpage
|
||||||
|
% XXX The following color changes are all to get around the problem of footnote colors not matching. I hate it.
|
||||||
|
% ...okay, I figured out how to fix it, but now I kinda like it.
|
||||||
|
\end{leftcolumn}
|
||||||
|
\end{paracol}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
%%%%%
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\renewfontfamily\pagenumfont{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=000000FF]
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\backgroundcolor{c[0]}[HTML]{cffccc}
|
||||||
|
\backgroundcolor{C[0](10000pt,10000pt)(0.6\columnsep,10000pt)}[HTML]{cffccc}
|
||||||
|
\backgroundcolor{c[1]}[HTML]{cffccc}
|
||||||
|
\backgroundcolor{C[1](0.6\columnsep,10000pt)(10000pt,10000pt)}[HTML]{cffccc}
|
||||||
|
\begin{paracol}{2}
|
||||||
|
\begin{leftcolumn}
|
||||||
|
\fontspec{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=000000FF,Ligatures=TeX]
|
||||||
|
\renewfontfamily\allyFont{Merriweather Sans}[Scale=0.9,Color=000000FF,Ligatures=TeX]
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\begin{ally}
|
||||||
|
What is your point?
|
||||||
|
\end{ally}
|
||||||
|
You know.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\begin{ally}
|
||||||
|
Yes, but it is important that you make it.
|
||||||
|
\end{ally}
|
||||||
|
\emph{It's the immediacy, the seamless immediacy\ldots{}}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
It's about meaning and self. It's about defining where your boundaries are; your physical boundaries, your mental boundaries, your spiritual and emotional boundaries. It's about that ground-state training that you undergo so that you might step just a bit to the side. An inch. A mile. An age.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
It's about breathing in for the count of four, holding for the count of two, breathing out for the count of four, holding for the count of two. It's about feeling where your feet touch the ground. It's about drawing a straight line from your center of gravity to the center of the world. It's about becoming totally present.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\begin{ally}
|
||||||
|
So that you can disappear entirely.
|
||||||
|
\end{ally}
|
||||||
|
\newpage
|
||||||
|
\null
|
||||||
|
\thispagestyle{empty}
|
||||||
|
\newpage
|
||||||
|
\end{leftcolumn}
|
||||||
|
\end{paracol}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
%%%%%
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\renewfontfamily\pagenumfont{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=000000FF]
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\backgroundcolor{c[0]}[HTML]{ddeecc}
|
||||||
|
\backgroundcolor{C[0](10000pt,10000pt)(0.6\columnsep,10000pt)}[HTML]{ddeecc}
|
||||||
|
\backgroundcolor{c[1]}[HTML]{ddeecc}
|
||||||
|
\backgroundcolor{C[1](0.6\columnsep,10000pt)(10000pt,10000pt)}[HTML]{ddeecc}
|
||||||
|
\begin{paracol}{2}
|
||||||
|
\begin{leftcolumn}
|
||||||
|
\fontspec{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=000000FF,Ligatures=TeX]
|
||||||
|
\renewfontfamily\allyFont{Merriweather Sans}[Scale=0.9,Color=000000FF,Ligatures=TeX]
|
||||||
|
\index{ally}
|
||||||
|
\begin{ally}
|
||||||
|
Why this? Why now? Why after your dad?
|
||||||
|
\end{ally}
|
||||||
|
Why talk about ecstasy?\index{Family!dad}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\begin{ally}
|
||||||
|
Yes.
|
||||||
|
\end{ally}
|
||||||
|
Dissociation.\index{Mental health!dissociation}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\begin{ally}
|
||||||
|
Well, that was quick. I was expecting more roundabout. We would banter. You would get flustered. I would get smug.
|
||||||
|
\end{ally}
|
||||||
|
Derealization, depersonalization, dissociation. Pure and simple.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\begin{ally}
|
||||||
|
Well huh.
|
||||||
|
\end{ally}
|
||||||
|
Would I lie to you?
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\begin{ally}
|
||||||
|
Oh, totally.
|
||||||
|
\end{ally}
|
||||||
|
Fair.
|
||||||
|
\newpage
|
||||||
|
\null
|
||||||
|
\thispagestyle{empty}
|
||||||
|
\newpage
|
||||||
|
\end{leftcolumn}
|
||||||
|
\end{paracol}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
%%%%%
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\renewfontfamily\pagenumfont{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=000000FF]
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\backgroundcolor{c[0]}[HTML]{ccddbb}
|
||||||
|
\backgroundcolor{C[0](10000pt,10000pt)(0.6\columnsep,10000pt)}[HTML]{ccddbb}
|
||||||
|
\backgroundcolor{c[1]}[HTML]{ccddbb}
|
||||||
|
\backgroundcolor{C[1](0.6\columnsep,10000pt)(10000pt,10000pt)}[HTML]{ccddbb}
|
||||||
|
\begin{paracol}{2}
|
||||||
|
\begin{leftcolumn}
|
||||||
|
\index{Writing!samples!poetry|(}
|
||||||
|
\fontspec{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=000000FF,Ligatures=TeX]
|
||||||
|
\renewfontfamily\allyFont{Merriweather Sans}[Scale=0.9,Color=000000FF,Ligatures=TeX]
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\begin{verse}[1.01\textwidth]
|
||||||
|
Used to be you and I daily would walk\\
|
||||||
|
through the fields out back of the house and talk\footnote{Riverbend Ponds Natural Area, Fort Collins, CO.}\\
|
||||||
|
for hours, spilling words and emotions.\\
|
||||||
|
These walks were our daily devotions\\
|
||||||
|
to each other over the years.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
The fields, dotted with ponds, were our space.\\
|
||||||
|
We tramped those trails strung like lace\\
|
||||||
|
along shores and through tall grass,\\
|
||||||
|
murmuring now like winds, chattering now like brass\\
|
||||||
|
in some changeful duet.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
You'd tell me about the geese in the sky,\\
|
||||||
|
would watch me stand still and not ask why\\
|
||||||
|
the birds scared me to pieces,\footnote{makyo.ink/bruise-vision/}\\
|
||||||
|
even as we dodged around their feces\footnote{makyo.ink/the-dogs-assure-me/}\\
|
||||||
|
littering the trails.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
You'd put up with my fickle interests,\\
|
||||||
|
running with me, or stopping to see what arrests\\
|
||||||
|
my attention.\footnote{Shpongle --- A new way to say hooray!} You'd follow all of my changes\\
|
||||||
|
and change along with me through all the ranges\\
|
||||||
|
of our shared experience.
|
||||||
|
\end{verse}
|
||||||
|
\newpage
|
||||||
|
\end{leftcolumn}
|
||||||
|
\end{paracol}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\renewfontfamily\pagenumfont{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=000000FF]
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\backgroundcolor{c[0]}[HTML]{ccddaa}
|
||||||
|
\backgroundcolor{C[0](10000pt,10000pt)(0.6\columnsep,10000pt)}[HTML]{ccddaa}
|
||||||
|
\backgroundcolor{c[1]}[HTML]{ccddaa}
|
||||||
|
\backgroundcolor{C[1](0.6\columnsep,10000pt)(10000pt,10000pt)}[HTML]{ccddaa}
|
||||||
|
\begin{paracol}{2}
|
||||||
|
\begin{leftcolumn}
|
||||||
|
\fontspec{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=000000FF,Ligatures=TeX]
|
||||||
|
\renewfontfamily\allyFont{Merriweather Sans}[Scale=0.9,Color=000000FF,Ligatures=TeX]
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\begin{verse}[1.01\textwidth]
|
||||||
|
You'd tell me of your meditation,\\
|
||||||
|
I'd talk of my fears of stagnation.\\
|
||||||
|
You'd always smile so kindly to me,\\
|
||||||
|
and I'd always feel so free\\
|
||||||
|
in our companionship.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
And over time, those walks got slower,\\
|
||||||
|
shorter, less frequent, or over\\
|
||||||
|
far too soon, though no less meaningful\\
|
||||||
|
as we spent our time together in cheerful\\
|
||||||
|
conversation or kind quiet.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
We each seemed to be going our separate ways,\\
|
||||||
|
with me branching out, exploring different lays\\
|
||||||
|
of different lands, and you turning inwards,\\
|
||||||
|
exploring lines of thought you never put in words,\\
|
||||||
|
at least not that you told me.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
And then one day, we once more went out walking\\
|
||||||
|
and though it took a while, you got to talking.\\
|
||||||
|
You told me of how you sat, quiet and alone,\\
|
||||||
|
waiting for the time you might turn to stone\footnote{Quasimodo's line "Why was I not made of stone like thee?"; or, perhaps, part of a Chinese saying, "I will close my eyes and my heart and become a stone".}\\
|
||||||
|
and be completely still at last.
|
||||||
|
\end{verse}
|
||||||
|
\newpage
|
||||||
|
\end{leftcolumn}
|
||||||
|
\end{paracol}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\renewfontfamily\pagenumfont{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=000000FF]
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\backgroundcolor{c[0]}[HTML]{bbcc99}
|
||||||
|
\backgroundcolor{C[0](10000pt,10000pt)(0.6\columnsep,10000pt)}[HTML]{bbcc99}
|
||||||
|
\backgroundcolor{c[1]}[HTML]{bbcc99}
|
||||||
|
\backgroundcolor{C[1](0.6\columnsep,10000pt)(10000pt,10000pt)}[HTML]{bbcc99}
|
||||||
|
\begin{paracol}{2}
|
||||||
|
\begin{leftcolumn}
|
||||||
|
\fontspec{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=000000FF,Ligatures=TeX]
|
||||||
|
\renewfontfamily\allyFont{Merriweather Sans}[Scale=0.9,Color=000000FF,Ligatures=TeX]
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\begin{verse}[1.01\textwidth]
|
||||||
|
You told me how as you sat, the room lengthened,\\
|
||||||
|
curved around, turned on you --- strengthened,\\
|
||||||
|
it seemed, by your very presence ---\\
|
||||||
|
and amid all of that gathered pleasance,\\
|
||||||
|
bit you in half.\footnote{Towards the tail end of high school, I experimented with \emph{Salvia divnorum}, and an enduring memory is the room lengthing, twisting around, and biting me in half.}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
You told me how, as part of you died\\
|
||||||
|
in that moment, the rest of you spied,\\
|
||||||
|
it seemed, on this very ending.\\
|
||||||
|
You told me you thought that this rending\\
|
||||||
|
was the end of something big.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
I listened in silence. What could I say?\\
|
||||||
|
The things you were telling me, walking that day\\
|
||||||
|
were strangely shaped and didn't make sense.\\
|
||||||
|
Or if they did, they did so around corners as pretense,\\
|
||||||
|
perhaps, subtext, allusion, metaphor.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
You were right, though, I could hear it in your voice.\\
|
||||||
|
There was finality, there, which spoke of a choice\\
|
||||||
|
already made. Endings were writ on your face,\footnote{John Keats' epitaph, \emph{Here lies one whose name was writ in water}. Those who know that they are dying can show the knowledge in their face.}\\
|
||||||
|
your hands, and your steps --- your very pace\\
|
||||||
|
spoke of completion.
|
||||||
|
\end{verse}
|
||||||
|
\newpage
|
||||||
|
\end{leftcolumn}
|
||||||
|
\end{paracol}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\renewfontfamily\pagenumfont{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=000000FF]
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\backgroundcolor{c[0]}[HTML]{bbbb99}
|
||||||
|
\backgroundcolor{C[0](10000pt,10000pt)(0.6\columnsep,10000pt)}[HTML]{bbbb99}
|
||||||
|
\backgroundcolor{c[1]}[HTML]{bbbb99}
|
||||||
|
\backgroundcolor{C[1](0.6\columnsep,10000pt)(10000pt,10000pt)}[HTML]{bbbb99}
|
||||||
|
\begin{paracol}{2}
|
||||||
|
\begin{leftcolumn}
|
||||||
|
\fontspec{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=000000FF,Ligatures=TeX]
|
||||||
|
\renewfontfamily\allyFont{Merriweather Sans}[Scale=0.9,Color=000000FF,Ligatures=TeX]
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\begin{verse}[1.01\textwidth]
|
||||||
|
I replied to that sense rather than your words.\\
|
||||||
|
``While you look up to the geese and see only birds,\\
|
||||||
|
I see omens and my doom spelled in vees.\\
|
||||||
|
You speak of rooms and cleaving, but please,\\
|
||||||
|
tell me, are you leaving?''
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
We'd long since stopped, there by the pond,\\
|
||||||
|
and your smile was, yes, sad, but still fond\\
|
||||||
|
as you settled down wordlessly to your knees,\\
|
||||||
|
took a slow breath, looked out to the trees,\\
|
||||||
|
and closed your eyes.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
Beginnings are such delicate times\footnote{Frank Herbert's \emph{Dune}.}\\
|
||||||
|
and I very nearly missed it, no chimes\\
|
||||||
|
to announce the hour of your leaving.\\
|
||||||
|
As it was, there was no time for believing\\
|
||||||
|
or not in the next moments.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
Your fingers crawled beneath the soil\\
|
||||||
|
and sprouted roots, flesh starting to roil.\\
|
||||||
|
Coarse bark spiraled up your wrists and arms,\\
|
||||||
|
Spelling subtle incantations and charms\\
|
||||||
|
to the chaos of growth.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
You bowed your head and from your crown\\
|
||||||
|
sprouted a tender shoot covered in fine down,\\
|
||||||
|
soon followed by crenelated leaves and fine stems.\\
|
||||||
|
The pace was fast, implacable, and leaves like gems\\
|
||||||
|
soon arched skyward.
|
||||||
|
\end{verse}
|
||||||
|
\newpage
|
||||||
|
\end{leftcolumn}
|
||||||
|
\end{paracol}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\renewfontfamily\pagenumfont{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=000000FF]
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\backgroundcolor{c[0]}[HTML]{bbb599}
|
||||||
|
\backgroundcolor{C[0](10000pt,10000pt)(0.6\columnsep,10000pt)}[HTML]{bbb599}
|
||||||
|
\backgroundcolor{c[1]}[HTML]{bbb599}
|
||||||
|
\backgroundcolor{C[1](0.6\columnsep,10000pt)(10000pt,10000pt)}[HTML]{bbb599}
|
||||||
|
\begin{paracol}{2}
|
||||||
|
\begin{leftcolumn}
|
||||||
|
\fontspec{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=000000FF,Ligatures=TeX]
|
||||||
|
\renewfontfamily\allyFont{Merriweather Sans}[Scale=0.9,Color=000000FF,Ligatures=TeX]
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\begin{verse}[1.01\textwidth]
|
||||||
|
You sprouted and grew, taking root\\
|
||||||
|
in one smooth motion, fixed and mute.\\
|
||||||
|
Your clothing fell away, rotting in fast-time.\footnote{Keats: \emph{Thou foster-child of silence and slow Time}}\\
|
||||||
|
Naked now, you sat still, committing one last crime\\
|
||||||
|
of indecency.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
Your face, your face! In your face was such peace\\
|
||||||
|
as I'd never seen, even as you gave up this lease\\
|
||||||
|
on life, echoed also in my heart of hearts.\\
|
||||||
|
I did not cry out, nor even speak, witnessing such arts\\
|
||||||
|
as your final display showed.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
Soon, you were consumed, transformed as a whole.\\
|
||||||
|
Your head a crown of leaves, your heart a bole\\
|
||||||
|
bored in rough bark and sturdy wood,\\
|
||||||
|
your fingers, knees, and toes stood\\
|
||||||
|
as thirsty roots.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
I stood a while by the tree that was you,\footnote{A dream: \emph{I am walking along a trail in the Riverbend Ponds and start to feel dizzy, so I fall to my knees and clutch at the soil. To my surprise --- and yet not, as though it were inevitable --- my fingers and knees take root and grow into the soil. A sense of peace washes over me and I bow my head. From the back of my neck sprouts a branch and in fast-time, my body falls away and where I sat is now a tree.}}\\
|
||||||
|
then sat at your roots and thought of all I knew\\
|
||||||
|
about time, transformation, death and change.\\
|
||||||
|
I thought about you, your life, your emotional range,\\
|
||||||
|
your gentle apotheosis.
|
||||||
|
\end{verse}
|
||||||
|
\newpage
|
||||||
|
\end{leftcolumn}
|
||||||
|
\end{paracol}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\renewfontfamily\pagenumfont{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=000000FF]
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\backgroundcolor{c[0]}[HTML]{aaaa99}
|
||||||
|
\backgroundcolor{C[0](10000pt,10000pt)(0.6\columnsep,10000pt)}[HTML]{aaaa99}
|
||||||
|
\backgroundcolor{c[1]}[HTML]{aaaa99}
|
||||||
|
\backgroundcolor{C[1](0.6\columnsep,10000pt)(10000pt,10000pt)}[HTML]{aaaa99}
|
||||||
|
\begin{paracol}{2}
|
||||||
|
\begin{leftcolumn}
|
||||||
|
\fontspec{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=000000FF,Ligatures=TeX]
|
||||||
|
\renewfontfamily\allyFont{Merriweather Sans}[Scale=0.9,Color=000000FF,Ligatures=TeX]
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\begin{verse}[1.01\textwidth]
|
||||||
|
Then I walked home, quiet and numb.\\
|
||||||
|
No, not numb, per se, but perhaps dumb.\\
|
||||||
|
Dumb of words, dumb of emotions. Quiet.\\
|
||||||
|
I expected turmoil, some internal riot,\\
|
||||||
|
I got nullity.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
Who, after all, if I cried out,\footnote{Rilke's Duino Elegies: \emph{Who, if I cried out, would hear me among the ranks of angels?}}\\
|
||||||
|
would hear my wordless shout\\
|
||||||
|
among the still trees and rustling leaves?\\
|
||||||
|
Who hears? Who cares? Who perceives\\
|
||||||
|
this non-grief?
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
You, my friend, are still there.\\
|
||||||
|
I walk the fields every day, passing where\\
|
||||||
|
you changed into something new.\\
|
||||||
|
I marvel at you, at how you grew\\
|
||||||
|
into something wholly different.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
Used to be you and I daily would walk\\
|
||||||
|
through the fields out back of the house and talk.\\
|
||||||
|
Now, it's just me, alone, quiet, thinking\\
|
||||||
|
of you by the shore, forever drinking\\
|
||||||
|
of sweet water.
|
||||||
|
\end{verse}
|
||||||
|
\index{Writing!samples!poetry|)}
|
||||||
|
\newpage
|
||||||
|
\end{leftcolumn}
|
||||||
|
\end{paracol}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
%%%%%
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\renewfontfamily\pagenumfont{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=000000FF]
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\backgroundcolor{c[0]}[HTML]{b5b5b5}
|
||||||
|
\backgroundcolor{C[0](10000pt,10000pt)(0.6\columnsep,10000pt)}[HTML]{b5b5b5}
|
||||||
|
\backgroundcolor{c[1]}[HTML]{b5b5b5}
|
||||||
|
\backgroundcolor{C[1](0.6\columnsep,10000pt)(10000pt,10000pt)}[HTML]{b5b5b5}
|
||||||
|
\begin{paracol}{2}
|
||||||
|
\begin{leftcolumn}
|
||||||
|
\fontspec{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=000000FF,Ligatures=TeX]
|
||||||
|
\renewfontfamily\allyFont{Merriweather Sans}[Scale=0.9,Color=000000FF,Ligatures=TeX]
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\begin{ally}
|
||||||
|
You're not very focused.
|
||||||
|
\end{ally}
|
||||||
|
I know.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\vfill
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\noindent It's just
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\vfill
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\noindent that I'm
|
||||||
|
\vfill
|
||||||
|
\newpage
|
||||||
|
\end{leftcolumn}
|
||||||
|
\end{paracol}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
%%%%%
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\renewfontfamily\pagenumfont{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=000000FF]
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\backgroundcolor{c[0]}[HTML]{aaaaaa}
|
||||||
|
\backgroundcolor{C[0](10000pt,10000pt)(0.6\columnsep,10000pt)}[HTML]{aaaaaa}
|
||||||
|
\backgroundcolor{c[1]}[HTML]{aaaaaa}
|
||||||
|
\backgroundcolor{C[1](0.6\columnsep,10000pt)(10000pt,10000pt)}[HTML]{aaaaaa}
|
||||||
|
\begin{paracol}{2}
|
||||||
|
\fontspec{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=000000FF,Ligatures=TeX]
|
||||||
|
\renewfontfamily\allyFont{Merriweather Sans}[Scale=0.9,Color=000000FF,Ligatures=TeX]
|
||||||
|
\null
|
||||||
|
\vfill
|
||||||
|
\begin{center}
|
||||||
|
overflowing
|
||||||
|
\end{center}
|
||||||
|
\vfill
|
||||||
|
\newpage
|
||||||
|
\end{paracol}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\renewfontfamily\pagenumfont{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=CCCCCCFF]
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\backgroundcolor{c[0]}[HTML]{666666}
|
||||||
|
\backgroundcolor{C[0](10000pt,10000pt)(0.6\columnsep,10000pt)}[HTML]{666666}
|
||||||
|
\backgroundcolor{c[1]}[HTML]{666666}
|
||||||
|
\backgroundcolor{C[1](0.6\columnsep,10000pt)(10000pt,10000pt)}[HTML]{666666}
|
||||||
|
\begin{paracol}{2}
|
||||||
|
\fontspec{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=CCCCCCFF,Ligatures=TeX]
|
||||||
|
\renewfontfamily\allyFont{Merriweather Sans}[Scale=0.9,Color=CCCCCCFF,Ligatures=TeX]
|
||||||
|
\null
|
||||||
|
\vfill
|
||||||
|
\begin{center}
|
||||||
|
with
|
||||||
|
\end{center}
|
||||||
|
\vfill
|
||||||
|
\newpage
|
||||||
|
\end{paracol}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\renewfontfamily\pagenumfont{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=777777FF]
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\backgroundcolor{c[0]}[HTML]{000000}
|
||||||
|
\backgroundcolor{C[0](10000pt,10000pt)(0.6\columnsep,10000pt)}[HTML]{000000}
|
||||||
|
\backgroundcolor{c[1]}[HTML]{000000}
|
||||||
|
\backgroundcolor{C[1](0.6\columnsep,10000pt)(10000pt,10000pt)}[HTML]{000000}
|
||||||
|
\begin{paracol}{2}
|
||||||
|
\fontspec{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=666666FF,Ligatures=TeX]
|
||||||
|
\renewfontfamily\allyFont{Merriweather Sans}[Scale=0.9,Color=777777FF,Ligatures=TeX]
|
||||||
|
\null
|
||||||
|
\vfill
|
||||||
|
\begin{center}
|
||||||
|
words
|
||||||
|
\end{center}
|
||||||
|
\vfill
|
||||||
|
\newpage
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\null
|
||||||
|
\vfill
|
||||||
|
\index{Writing!samples!poetry|(}
|
||||||
|
\begin{center}
|
||||||
|
\begin{Spacing}{0}
|
||||||
|
speak to me\\\vspace{-7pt}
|
||||||
|
speak to me\\\vspace{-7pt}
|
||||||
|
speak to me\\\vspace{-7pt}
|
||||||
|
speak to me\\\vspace{-7pt}
|
||||||
|
speak to me\\\vspace{-7pt}
|
||||||
|
speak to me\\\vspace{-7pt}
|
||||||
|
speak to me
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
that i may see\\\vspace{-7pt}
|
||||||
|
that i may see\\\vspace{-7pt}
|
||||||
|
that i may see\\\vspace{-7pt}
|
||||||
|
that i may see\\\vspace{-7pt}
|
||||||
|
that i may see
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
the face of god\\\vspace{-7pt}
|
||||||
|
the face of god\\\vspace{-7pt}
|
||||||
|
the face of god
|
||||||
|
\end{Spacing}
|
||||||
|
\end{center}
|
||||||
|
\vfill
|
||||||
|
\newpage
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\begin{verse}[1.01\textwidth]
|
||||||
|
I was born at the edge of the numinous.\vspace{-7pt}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
That is why I can tread along the border.\\
|
||||||
|
That is why I'm able to whisper the name of God.\\
|
||||||
|
That is why I'm allowed to know the number and how to factor it.\\
|
||||||
|
That is why I have seven\index{Numinous!seven} fingers spread wide and three curled toward my heart.\\
|
||||||
|
That is why my limbs trace the curves and lines of power when I dance.\\
|
||||||
|
That is why I sit with my back to the sun in summer.\\
|
||||||
|
That is why my body is a canvas.\vspace{-7pt}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
You were born in sunlight.\vspace{-7pt}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
Speak secrets into my hair.\\
|
||||||
|
Take my words from me.\\
|
||||||
|
Spend the intercalary days telling me lies.\\
|
||||||
|
Break my dystonia with a breath.\\
|
||||||
|
Wash my face with salt water.\\
|
||||||
|
Tell me the name you call yourself.\\
|
||||||
|
Close my eyes.\vspace{-7pt}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
We will sleep in the shade.\vspace{-7pt}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
Let me bless you with smoke.\\
|
||||||
|
Let me bathe your feet.\\
|
||||||
|
Let me light the candles.\\
|
||||||
|
Let me place a stone beneath my tongue.\\
|
||||||
|
Let me taste copper.\\
|
||||||
|
Let me draw in ash.\\
|
||||||
|
Let me rise up until my head is in the branches and my hair becomes the leaves.
|
||||||
|
\end{verse}
|
||||||
|
\newpage
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\null
|
||||||
|
\vfill
|
||||||
|
\begin{verse}[1.01\textwidth]
|
||||||
|
{\vgap1em
|
||||||
|
At the beginning of time,\\
|
||||||
|
\vin \vin when chaos birthed to order and disorder,\\
|
||||||
|
we were blessed with two souls.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
One has seven\index{Numinous!seven} eyes and can see all of the monsters in the dark,\\
|
||||||
|
\vin \vin but is blinded by the sun.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
The other has no eyes,\\
|
||||||
|
\vin \vin but can feel no pain.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
When order and disorder were close as children,\\
|
||||||
|
\vin our souls experienced the world hand in hand,\\
|
||||||
|
\vin \vin but as they drifted apart and began to fight,\\
|
||||||
|
\vin \vin \vin some of us left one of our souls behind,\\
|
||||||
|
\vin \vin \vin \vin and that is why we search.
|
||||||
|
}
|
||||||
|
\end{verse}
|
||||||
|
\vfill
|
||||||
|
\newpage
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\null
|
||||||
|
\vfill
|
||||||
|
\begin{verse}[1.01\textwidth]
|
||||||
|
{\vgap1em
|
||||||
|
Babel was a collaborative effort.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
Once,\\
|
||||||
|
we all spoke the same language,\\
|
||||||
|
\vin but on seeing god grow increasingly anxious with the rate of our progress,\\
|
||||||
|
\vin \vin we agreed to let our tongues be confused,\\
|
||||||
|
\vin \vin \vin so that he could take things at a more comfortable pace,\\
|
||||||
|
\vin \vin \vin \vin and we could be assured he would not understand us \mbox{unless} we prayed in silence,
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
for only then do we speak the language of angels.}
|
||||||
|
\end{verse}
|
||||||
|
\vfill
|
||||||
|
\newpage
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\null
|
||||||
|
\vfill
|
||||||
|
\begin{verse}[1.01\textwidth]
|
||||||
|
{\vgap1em
|
||||||
|
When I speak, the words drip from my tongue as ink,\\
|
||||||
|
and form writing on the ground,\\
|
||||||
|
and I leave a trail behind me,\\
|
||||||
|
and the ink stains your feet,\\
|
||||||
|
and when you walk, words and phrases and sentences are pressed into the soil,\\
|
||||||
|
and the ink breathes life into the plants,\\
|
||||||
|
and even the grass will flower,\\
|
||||||
|
and the bees will flourish,\\
|
||||||
|
and they will both sting you and provide you with sweet honey.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
The ink stains my chin and my clothes.\\
|
||||||
|
\vin Sometimes, I speak into my hands and stain my cheeks as well.\\
|
||||||
|
\vin \vin I speak against my fingers and press them into my flesh until I am covered in rosettes.\\
|
||||||
|
\vin \vin \vin I stretch my hands to the sky and marvel at how black they are.\\
|
||||||
|
\vin \vin \vin \vin And as with the grass, where the ink stains, growth\\*
|
||||||
|
\vin \vin \vin \vin quickens, and I am covered in soft fur.\\
|
||||||
|
\vin \vin \vin \vin \vin I fall to all fours and hunt amid the rocks and the\\*
|
||||||
|
\vin \vin \vin \vin \vin buildings, between cars and along trails.\\
|
||||||
|
\vin \vin \vin \vin \vin \vin And when I am full, I curl up to sleep, and awake\\*
|
||||||
|
\vin \vin \vin \vin \vin \vin human once again.\\
|
||||||
|
\vin \vin \vin \vin \vin \vin \vin My skin is clean and my mind is clear,
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
and I cannot speak.}
|
||||||
|
\end{verse}
|
||||||
|
\vfill
|
||||||
|
\newpage
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\null
|
||||||
|
\vfill
|
||||||
|
\begin{verse}[1.01\textwidth]
|
||||||
|
The only time I know my true name is when I pray.\\
|
||||||
|
The only time I pray is at the utmost need.\\
|
||||||
|
To pray is to ask yourself what you dare not ask god.\\
|
||||||
|
To answer your own question, you must step outside yourself.\\
|
||||||
|
To step outside yourself, you must forget your true name.\\
|
||||||
|
The only time I know my true name is when I pray.
|
||||||
|
\end{verse}
|
||||||
|
\vfill
|
||||||
|
\index{Writing!samples!poetry|)}
|
||||||
|
\flushpage
|
||||||
|
\end{paracol}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
%%%%%
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\renewfontfamily\pagenumfont{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=CCCCDDFF]
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\backgroundcolor{c[0]}[HTML]{2f082a}
|
||||||
|
\backgroundcolor{C[0](10000pt,10000pt)(0.6\columnsep,10000pt)}[HTML]{2f082a}
|
||||||
|
\backgroundcolor{c[1]}[HTML]{2f082a}
|
||||||
|
\backgroundcolor{C[1](0.6\columnsep,10000pt)(10000pt,10000pt)}[HTML]{2f082a}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\begin{paracol}{2}
|
||||||
|
\begin{leftcolumn}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\fontspec{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=CCCCDDFF,Ligatures=TeX]
|
||||||
|
\renewfontfamily\allyFont{Merriweather Sans}[Scale=0.9,Color=EEEEFFFF,Ligatures=TeX]
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\null
|
||||||
|
\vfill
|
||||||
|
\begin{ally}
|
||||||
|
Ask.
|
||||||
|
\end{ally}
|
||||||
|
\vfill
|
||||||
|
\newpage
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\noindent How does one approach what one can't describe?
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\begin{ally}
|
||||||
|
Swing the flashlight rapidly across the room. Piece together what you can from the sweep of the beam across the walls, the furniture.
|
||||||
|
\end{ally}
|
||||||
|
How does one hunt down what leaves no tracks?
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\begin{ally}
|
||||||
|
Unwind the maze by keeping your right hand on the wall. Pray that the walls do not move.
|
||||||
|
\end{ally}
|
||||||
|
How does one call down the gods to commune?
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\begin{ally}
|
||||||
|
Speak thrice, and enter.
|
||||||
|
\end{ally}
|
||||||
|
\newpage
|
||||||
|
\end{leftcolumn}
|
||||||
|
\end{paracol}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
%%%%%
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\renewfontfamily\pagenumfont{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=777777FF]
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\backgroundcolor{c[0]}[HTML]{000000}
|
||||||
|
\backgroundcolor{C[0](10000pt,10000pt)(0.6\columnsep,10000pt)}[HTML]{000000}
|
||||||
|
\backgroundcolor{c[1]}[HTML]{000000}
|
||||||
|
\backgroundcolor{C[1](0.6\columnsep,10000pt)(10000pt,10000pt)}[HTML]{000000}
|
||||||
|
\begin{paracol}{2}
|
||||||
|
\fontspec{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=666666FF,Ligatures=TeX]
|
||||||
|
\renewfontfamily\allyFont{Merriweather Sans}[Scale=0.9,Color=777777FF,Ligatures=TeX]
|
||||||
|
\begin{leftcolumn}
|
||||||
|
\noindent There was a sort of succulent quality to the air, as though, were I to bite down on it, it would all come bursting forth at once. Dribble down my chin. Stain my shirt. It would be sweet, almost saccharine. It would beg for a pinch of salt to quell all that sweetness.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
I didn't know whether or not I'd be able to stomach it, honestly. I was dizzy. I was apart from myself. Above, and beside. I was looking down at myself. Were I to do so, to bite into time itself, I would surely overflow.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\emph{Was} overflowing, I realized. Was bending forward at the waist where I was sitting. Those black choir chairs were comfortable, but made you sit up straight, so I couldn't slouch. I was bending forward, resting my elbows on my knees, and then bowing my head, bowing further.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
I was overflowing, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. We weren't singing, the basses, we were watching the altos rehears a part, so it wasn't too far out of the ordinary for me to be hunched over, breathing shallow, watching myself from above.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
I was overflowing, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. Hunched over, breathing shallow, and watching from a few feet up, a few feet to the right, so that I could see my shirt tear even as I felt it against my back. I was so thin, then. So thin.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
I was overflowing, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I watched my shirt tear, and my skin follow. I watched it split along my spine and peel back. It was bloodless, but not painless. The feeling of those wings, newborn and weak, slipping from the wound was raw.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
I was overflowing, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I watched the wings stretch and extend from the wound on my back. ``Aha,'' I thought. ``This is it. This is finally it. It's finally happening. I am becoming something greater, and here I am, so unprepared!''
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
I was overflowing, though, not transforming, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. The growth did not stop at wings. An eye. A beak. The graceful curve of a head. Plumage.\index{Numinous!birds|(}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
``No, this isn't it.'' I panicked, and could think of nothing else but to apologize. ``I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.''
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
The bird cocked its head as it climbed free of my back and perched on my shoulder. It cared not for apologies. Why would it?
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
Another pair of wings followed.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
Another.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
Another.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
My hands were buried in my hair, I could see - barely - through the forest of pencil-thin legs crowding my shoulders, my neck, my head. Their weight had forced my shoulders down until my head was nearly between my knees.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
We were singing now, and I was silent. How could I sing, when all I could do was beg silently for forgiveness? How could I sing with the weight of a dozen crows slowly crushing me into my seat? How could I sing when I was overflowing? There was nothing I could do to stop it
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
Chaos. The director stopped the choir, and as one, the flock lifted off. The weight was lifted off my back. The cacophony filled the air. I was borne up through the air by the birds. The birds were splitting, multiplying, avian mitosis. I was borne up, up. Up.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
I was told afterward that my body stumbled, unthinking along the row and toward the double doors, that the director had sneered, "It sure would be nice if we had all our singers here today." I was told that folks defended me, saying I was sick, I was pale, I was feverish.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
I don't know, I wasn't there. I was above the Flatirons. I was beyond terror. I was beyond joy. I was beyond sensation, beyond any emotion except for that bottomless, black guilt. Sticky. Tar-like. Bitter. The flock numbered in the thousands, and still we flew up.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
The blue of the sky became white, blinded, became black, and I was sitting in the hallway. I was with my body again. I was sobbing. A teacher stared. Students gave me a wide berth.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
I cleaned myself up. I went back to choir. What else could I do?
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
A bird had plucked something from me. Something precious. Something unknowable. Something important and integral. Something hard. Something emerald and glassy. Before the white of the sky overtook me, I saw it in its beak.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
The caw it gave as my vision left me and my ears filled with static was\ldots{}triumphant? No, not quite. Triumph implies that the birds could do anything but succeed. In that sound was inevitability.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
After school, - - - and I tramped through the `mini-forest' and, impelled by something of the avian within, I collected five sticks.\index{Numinous!birds|)}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
They had to be as straight as possible.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
They had to be balanced as close to the middle as possible.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
They had to be the same length without me breaking them.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
They had to have been from different trees.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
They had to have fallen more than a year prior.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
When I got home, I lay them in a row, asked my questions, and, one by one, broke them in half.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\begin{quotation}
|
||||||
|
\emph{What had I lost?}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\emph{What had I gained?}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\emph{Where had I gone?}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\emph{Where did I come from?}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\emph{Why does memory stain me with that black, tarry guilt?}
|
||||||
|
\end{quotation}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
I had forgotten about the birds until recently, but every time I feel that ecstasy --- that ekstasis --- I am pitch. I am tar. I am sticky with apology. I am the living embodiment of ``I'm sorry''.
|
||||||
|
\newpage
|
||||||
|
\end{leftcolumn}
|
||||||
|
\end{paracol}
|
||||||
|
\resetbackgroundcolor
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
%%%%%
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\renewfontfamily\pagenumfont{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=CCCCDDFF]
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\backgroundcolor{c[0]}[HTML]{2f082a}
|
||||||
|
\backgroundcolor{C[0](10000pt,10000pt)(0.6\columnsep,10000pt)}[HTML]{2f082a}
|
||||||
|
\backgroundcolor{c[1]}[HTML]{2f082a}
|
||||||
|
\backgroundcolor{C[1](0.6\columnsep,10000pt)(10000pt,10000pt)}[HTML]{2f082a}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\begin{paracol}{2}
|
||||||
|
\begin{leftcolumn}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\fontspec{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=CCCCDDFF,Ligatures=TeX]
|
||||||
|
\renewfontfamily\allyFont{Merriweather Sans}[Scale=0.9,Color=EEEEFFFF,Ligatures=TeX]
|
||||||
|
\null
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\noindent I'm tired. I'm so tired. I'm tired and I'm upset and I'm lost.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\begin{ally}
|
||||||
|
I know.
|
||||||
|
\end{ally}
|
||||||
|
I want to shout and to whisper. I want to talk about how the light flows in through the head and out through the heart. I want to put words to the feeling of falling to the ground and taking root.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
I want to say how it feels when I step outside myself.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\begin{ally}
|
||||||
|
You tried.
|
||||||
|
\end{ally}
|
||||||
|
I guess that's all I can do.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\begin{ally}
|
||||||
|
It's not, but it's important that you have tried.
|
||||||
|
\end{ally}
|
||||||
|
\newpage
|
||||||
|
\end{leftcolumn}
|
||||||
|
\end{paracol}
|
||||||
|
\resetbackgroundcolor
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\renewfontfamily\pagenumfont{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=000000FF]
|
||||||
|
\index{Numinous|)}
|
||||||
40
book/includes/copyright-digital.tex
Normal file
40
book/includes/copyright-digital.tex
Normal file
@ -0,0 +1,40 @@
|
|||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\thispagestyle{empty}
|
||||||
|
\null
|
||||||
|
\vfill
|
||||||
|
\begin{center}
|
||||||
|
\noindent\textbf{Also by Madison Scott-Clary}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\emph{Arcana --- A Tarot Anthology}, ed.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\emph{Rum and Coke --- Three Short Stories from a Furry Convention}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\emph{Restless Town}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\emph{Eigengrau --- Poems 2015--2020}
|
||||||
|
\end{center}
|
||||||
|
\vfill
|
||||||
|
\singlespacing
|
||||||
|
{\small\parindent0pt\parskip5pt
|
||||||
|
\noindent Copyright \copyright\ 2020, Madison Scott-Clary. This work is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution 4.0 International License. To view a copy of this license, visit \mbox{\emph{creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/}} or send a letter to Creative Commons, PO Box 1866, Mountain View, CA 94042, USA.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
This book uses the fonts Gentium Book Basic and {\allyFont Merriweather Sans} and was typeset with {\usefont{OT1}{cmr}{m}{n}\XeLaTeX}.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\vspace{1ex}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
ISBN: \ISBN
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
Digital edition, not for print purposes. For the paperback version, please visit makyo.ink/publications/ally
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\vspace{1ex}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\emph{\Title}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\vspace{1ex}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
First Edition, \Year.
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\EditionsList
|
||||||
|
}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
\cleardoublepage
|
||||||
16
book/includes/geometry-digital.tex
Normal file
16
book/includes/geometry-digital.tex
Normal file
@ -0,0 +1,16 @@
|
|||||||
|
% page sizes for trade paperback
|
||||||
|
% 8.5x8.5 + bleed of 0.125 per edge minus spine.
|
||||||
|
% See https://www.ingramspark.com/hubfs/downloads/file-creation-guide.pdf page 10
|
||||||
|
\usepackage[
|
||||||
|
paperwidth=8.5in,
|
||||||
|
paperheight=8.5in,
|
||||||
|
layoutwidth=8.5in,
|
||||||
|
layoutheight=8.5in,
|
||||||
|
vmargin=0.5in,
|
||||||
|
hmargin=0.75in,
|
||||||
|
includeheadfoot
|
||||||
|
]{geometry}
|
||||||
|
\ifdefined\SetWatermarkHorCenter
|
||||||
|
\SetWatermarkHorCenter{3in}
|
||||||
|
\SetWatermarkVerCenter{4.5in}
|
||||||
|
\fi
|
||||||
36
book/includes/pagelayout-digital.tex
Normal file
36
book/includes/pagelayout-digital.tex
Normal file
@ -0,0 +1,36 @@
|
|||||||
|
%%% Headers and page styles
|
||||||
|
\usepackage[pagestyles]{titlesec}
|
||||||
|
\usepackage{fancyhdr}
|
||||||
|
\setlength{\headheight}{15.2pt}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
% ourbook style with fancy headers and chapter headings
|
||||||
|
\fancypagestyle{ourbook}{
|
||||||
|
% headers
|
||||||
|
\fancyhf{}
|
||||||
|
%\fancyhf[FRE,FLO]{\pagenumfont\footnotesize\emph{Advance Reader Copy}}
|
||||||
|
\fancyhf[FRE,FRO]{\pagenumfont\thepage}
|
||||||
|
% \fancyhf[HLE]{\chaptertitle}
|
||||||
|
% \fancyhf[HRO]{\AuthorFull}
|
||||||
|
% \renewcommand{\headrulewidth}{0.5pt}
|
||||||
|
\setlength{\parskip}{0pt}
|
||||||
|
% \parindent0pt
|
||||||
|
\setlength{\headheight}{0pt}
|
||||||
|
}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
% plain style with only page num
|
||||||
|
\fancypagestyle{plain}{
|
||||||
|
\fancyhf{}
|
||||||
|
\renewcommand{\headrulewidth}{0pt}
|
||||||
|
\renewcommand{\footrulewidth}{0pt}
|
||||||
|
\fancyhf[FRO,FRE]{\pagenumfont\thepage}
|
||||||
|
}
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
% single space after periods
|
||||||
|
\frenchspacing
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
% Attempt justification at all costs
|
||||||
|
\sloppy
|
||||||
|
|
||||||
|
% Widows and orphans
|
||||||
|
\widowpenalty=10000
|
||||||
|
\clubpenalty=10000
|
||||||
Reference in New Issue
Block a user