Editing

content/movement/001.md

@@ -27,8 +27,8 @@ It's not even wrong. It's based on a lack of experience. It's based on this soci
 
 > You sound bitter.
 
-I have a problem with compulsions. Not-even-wrong-ness surrounding them touches on a sort of meta-compulsion. A need to be understood strong enough that, when
-I'm misunderstood, it itches. It gets a liquid flip of my hand and touch of thumb to palm. It triggers compulsions.
+I have a problem with compulsions. Not-even-wrong-ness surrounding them touches on a sort of meta-compulsion: a need to be understood strong enough that, when
+I'm misunderstood, it itches. It gets a liquid flip of my hand and touch of thumb to palm. It triggers cascading compulsions.
 
 To then make that entertainment, to make that a hook for a plot, well.
 
@@ -36,11 +36,11 @@ To then make that entertainment, to make that a hook for a plot, well.
 
 Not all of them.
 
-> And yet the plot point is that it was artificial in the first place. That's sort of the point, right? Fei-tzu and Qing-jao are saddled with this form of compulsive behavior that's the side effect of something else, not OCD in and of itself. Was it really so off-base, or are you just upset at seeing part of --- but not all of --- yourself?
+> And yet the plot hook is that it was artificial in the first place. That's sort of the point, right? Fei-tzu and Qing-jao are saddled with this form of compulsive behavior that's the side effect of something else, not OCD in and of itself. Was it really so off-base, or are you just upset at seeing part of --- but not all of --- yourself?
 
 I don't know.
 
-> Are you just upset that you can't stay still; that you have other, unrelated problems with compulsion; and that these two are correlated in a fictional genetic disorder where they are not correlated for you?
+> Are you just upset that you can't stay still; that you have other, unrelated problems with compulsion; and that these two are then correlated in a fictional genetic disorder where they are not correlated for you?
 
 Straight homeward to the symbol essence, is it?
 

content/movement/002.md

@@ -5,17 +5,17 @@ weight: 2
 
 Everyone, I suspect, deals with movement in a different way. Some are content to sit still where others have to move. Some must move, and it is a part of their personality. Some cannot move and it is a part of their physiology.
 
-And some must move, and it is an aching necessity. There is no "if they do not move, then" statement to be made. They must move. They can't *not* move.
+And some must move because it is an aching necessity. There is no "if they do not move, then..." statement to be made. They must move. They can't *not* move.
 
 > It started as a twitch, you said, as a slight nod of the head.
 
 Or perhaps it started earlier, I don't know.
 
-> Perhaps it was all caused by the meds, or perhaps it was presaged by some other restlessness that started earlier.
+> Perhaps it was all caused by the meds, or perhaps it was presaged by some other restlessness that started years before.
 
 Perhaps, but does it matter?
 
-> If it was the meds' fault, you could blame them, but if it was unrelated, you would blame yourself. It was the meds' fault, you could stop, if it was unrelated, you would take that as permission to feel broken.
+> If it was the meds' fault, you could blame them, but if it was unrelated, you would be able blame yourself. If it was the meds' fault, you could stop, if it was unrelated, you would take that as permission to feel broken.
 
 Yes, I suppose it does matter, then. That said, I have no answer for that. I just know that it started with a twitch, a slight nod of the head. My fingers would duck up away from the keyboard as though suddenly burned by the keys. I would go and sit in my car over lunch and wring my hands over and over again, occasionally trying to force myself to hold onto the shifter and the door handle, and the tremors would travel up  my arms.
 
@@ -27,7 +27,7 @@ I never knew how to explain it.
 
 > How would you now, with seven years' experience under your belt?
 
-"Transient tic disorder". Maybe "spasmodic torticollis" before it disappeared, back when I thought it was going to just stick around forever.
+"Transient tic disorder". Maybe not so transient before it disappeared, back when I thought it was going to just stick around forever.
 
 > That's what it's called, but how would you get it across?
 
@@ -49,6 +49,6 @@ So there's me sitting in meetings with other insurance companies, shaking my hea
 
 And so on.
 
-> How effective do you think that would be on that conference call with Lewis as you were stuttering away?
+> How effective do you think that would be on those conference calls with Lewis as you were stuttering away?
 
 I don't think I could manage. At that point, it was embarrassing enough to have picked up a stutter, a movement disorder that I never explained to my boss or the PM. To acknowledge it to the client would have been mortifying.

content/movement/003.md

@@ -37,7 +37,7 @@ And then we hugged.
 
 > Not all of it was your balance. Some of it was an apology.
 
-Yes. Someone with a movement disorder who pretends it isn't there is, in some ineffable way, sadder than someone who at least makes some public acknowledgment that, yes, this is happening. The cane helped. People would see me shaking my head, see me shaky on my feet, and then see the cane and know, "Ah, yes *this* is happening."
+Yes. Someone with a movement disorder who pretends it isn't there is, in some ineffable way, sadder than someone who at least makes some public acknowledgment that, yes, this is happening. The cane helped. People would see me shaking my head, see me shaky on my feet, and then see the cane and know, "Ah yes, *this* is happening."
 
 > You happened to pass by one of the attendees from the data panel shortly after, and overheard him telling his friend, "That was a really cool panel, but I think he had Parkinson's or something. Every time he would get more interested in what he was talking about, it would get worse."
 

content/movement/004.md

@@ -5,10 +5,10 @@ weight: 4
 
 Bit by bit, little by little, the tic once again slid from my life. Enough stressors had gone or were on their way out that I was gaining stillness.
 
-> Like that glass of water that's the perfect temperature. Like fresh-from-the-vine tomatoes. Like city-glow reflected on a winter cloud ceiling while you're under the covers in bed.
-
 I spent more and more days with fewer and fewer tics. I relished in the stillness.
 
+> Like that glass of water that's the perfect temperature. Like fresh-from-the-vine tomatoes. Like city-glow reflected on a winter cloud ceiling while you're under the covers in bed.
+
 It left for quite a while, and when it did come back, it did for only a day or two at a time. I eventually went a year without. Maybe two. I don't remember.
 
 > And then you forgot.

content/movement/005.md

@@ -3,13 +3,15 @@ date: 2019-09-16
 weight: 5
 ---
 
+<div class="cw">Suicide mention</div>
+
 My journey through medication has been long and storied.
 
 > Tell me.
 
 In time.
 
-All meds come with side effects, of course. If you take too much lithium, I found, you cycle rapidly through moods, start vomiting, and the right side of your body goes weak. When you go off fluoxetine, you get what are called brain zaps, which is rather like the feeling of missing a step on a staircase and slipping safely down to the one below it; that sense of unbalance and terror and near miss repeated once every few seconds.
+All meds come with side effects, of course. If you take too much lithium, I found, you cycle rapidly through moods, start vomiting, and the right side of your body goes weak. When you go off fluoxetine, you get what are called brain zaps, which is rather like the feeling of missing a step on a staircase and slipping safely down to the one below it; that sense of unbalance and terror and near miss, followed by relief and surety repeated once every few seconds.
 
 > When you take anxiolytics and your life is a mess beyond simple anxiety disorders, you dissociate so hard that you try to kill yourself.
 
@@ -19,7 +21,7 @@ I said later.
 
 Thank you.
 
-Well, when you take antipsychotics for long enough, you run the risk of movement disorders. That was something that had originally crossed my mind when the tic first started, though I wasn't on any of the relevant meds at the time.
+Well, when you take antipsychotics for long enough, you run the risk of movement disorders. That was something that had originally crossed my mind when the tic first started, except I wasn't on any of the relevant meds at the time.
 
 > And you didn't think to bring it up when you started on olanzapine.
 

content/movement/006.md

@@ -34,6 +34,8 @@ ICD-10-CM F95.0 is grouped within Diagnostic Related Group(s) (MS-DRG v36.0):
 * 092 Other disorders of nervous system with cc
 * 093 Other disorders of nervous system without cc/mcc
 
+-----
+
 ## 2019 ICD-10-CM Diagnosis Code G25.71
 
 Drug induced akathisia
@@ -71,6 +73,8 @@ ICD-10-CM G25.71 is grouped within Diagnostic Related Group(s) (MS-DRG v36.0):
 * 056 Degenerative nervous system disorders with mcc
 * 057 Degenerative nervous system disorders without mcc
 
+-----
+
 ## 2019 ICD-10-CM Diagnosis Code G24.01
 
 Drug induced subacute dyskinesia

content/movement/007.md

@@ -3,17 +3,19 @@ date: 2019-09-16
 weight: 7
 ---
 
-There is a certain unique agony to akathisia. When I was in the hospital after surgery, and even for weeks afterwards, I was dead convinced that the problem I was going through was related to temperature. Part of this, no doubt, was due to the weather warming up followed by, toward the end of my stay there, the climate control in the room going out, leaving it a sweltering (to me) seventy-six degrees.
+There is a certain unique agony to akathisia. When I was in the hospital after surgery, and even for weeks afterwards, I was dead convinced that the problem I was going through was related to temperature. Part of this, no doubt, was due to the weather warming up followed by, toward the end of my inpatient stay there, the climate control in the room going out, leaving it a sweltering (to me) seventy-six degrees.
 
-> What you didn't take into account was the fact that you have a hard time sitting down for an hour at a time, never mind being confined to bed rest laying on my back only for five days straight.
+> What you didn't take into account was the fact that you have a hard time sitting down for an hour at a time, never mind being confined to bed rest laying on your back only for five days straight.
 
-Even so, for weeks afterwards, I was desperate to do anything I could to stay cool. I picked up an ice cream habit that I'm still fall into regularly. I installed a windo A/C unit. At one point, I even contemplated sleeping in the garage where it was cooler at night due to the lack of insulation.
+Even so, for weeks afterwards, I was desperate to do anything I could to stay cool. I picked up an ice cream habit that I'm still fall into regularly. I installed a window A/C unit. At one point, I even contemplated sleeping in the garage where it was cooler at night due to the lack of insulation.
 
 > Judith visited toward the end of this period. You did everything you could to keep the rooms you stayed in on the road trip to the bay as cool as possible. The bay, where A/C just isn't a thing.
 
 Yes. And shortly after that, I learned about akathisia.
 
-I say 'shortly after', when it was likely just during the trip when I realized I felt the most relief from the symptoms by moving. The constriction imposed upon me by recovery had lessened over time until I was able to go for that hike with Judith, Robin, and Josh, and suddenly I realized that I felt better than I had in a while.
+I say 'shortly after', when it was likely during that trip when I realized I felt the most relief from the symptoms by moving. The constriction imposed upon me by recovery had lessened over time until I was able to go for that hike with Judith, Robin, and Josh, and suddenly I realized that I felt better than I had in a while.
+
+I just learned the word for it shortly after, the name. And by naming a thing, hoped to gain some sort of power over it.
 
 <div class="verse">Alv pinned his ears back against his head as he stomped down the length of the block. His boots were too much for the drizzle that the weather offered, but it was that or his threadbare sneakers, and some tiny part of his mind had done the calculation without the rest of him knowing, and he'd tugged the heavy things on for the walk.</div>
 
@@ -51,7 +53,7 @@ Yes. Furry is a framework. Apply an experience to that framework and see what yo
 
 Yes.
 
-> Write what you know. Write about the way pacing slowly moved from its status as nervous habit to a necessity, to an ache. Write about how there was no relief in walking, just a drive, an itch you could never scratch but were nonetheless required to try. Write and cast those words upon something else, upon someone else, so that you can look on them and say, "Ah, **this** is happening now."
+> Write what you know. Write about the way pacing slowly moved from its status as nervous habit to a necessity, to an ache. Write about how there was no relief in walking, just a drive, an itch you could never scratch but were nonetheless required to try. Write, and cast those words upon something else, upon someone else, so that you can look on them and say, "Ah yes, **this** is happening."
 
 <div class="verse">By the time he made it around to his building again, Alv was well and truly sore, knees and hips aching from the repetitive motion of stomping around the block. Still, he couldn't bring himself to head up to his apartment quite yet. The idea of being closed in such a space held negative appeal. Something about the thought of four walls was actively repulsive.
 

content/movement/008.md

@@ -3,7 +3,7 @@ date: 2019-09-16
 weight: 8
 ---
 
-Only five months after I figured out just what akathisia was, the disorder evolved into something more dramatic. Where as the tic, whether or not it was iatrogenic, affected mostly my neck and only rarely my wrists, this new form of drug-induced movement disorder affected most of my upper body, alternating between chorea and dystonia; between a fluid, graceful swimming of limbs to a tense, rigid posture.
+Only five months after I figured out just what akathisia was, the disorder evolved into something more dramatic. Whereas the tic, whether or not it was iatrogenic, affected mostly my neck and only rarely my wrists, this new form of drug-induced movement disorder affected most of my upper body, dystonia alternating between athetosis and chorea; between a fluid, graceful swimming of limbs to a tense, rigid posture with repetitive jerking movements.
 
 <iframe width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/_01QBDC3QkU" frameborder="0" allow="accelerometer; autoplay; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen></iframe>
 
@@ -13,7 +13,7 @@ It was infuriating and humiliating --- and before you interrupt, no, I will not
 
 I suppose I do.
 
-To be unable to hold still is one thing. Jerking my head to the side once every few seconds with the tic was embarrassing enough. I often worried that I'd be mistaken for some sort of junkie, hopped up on something or another. I even had my doctor write a letter that I could bring with me when I traveled.
+To be unable to hold still is one thing. Jerking my head to the side once every few seconds with the tic was embarrassing enough. I often worried that I'd be mistaken for some sort of junkie, hopped up on something or another. I even had my doctor write a letter explaining what was happening that I could bring with me when I traveled.
 
 > But you were still functional.
 
@@ -21,9 +21,9 @@ Yes. I could still work. I could still drive and walk and pick things up and eat
 
 > Now you couldn't. Now your hand would jerk back from picking things up or hitting the keys. Now you would walk with a hitch in your stride as a spasm rolled along your side. Now you wouldn't feel safe behind the wheel.
 
-I just shut myself in my house for a while. I left twice. Once to see a friend for some company, and once to go to therapy. I stood in the lobby while my therapist had a small chat with a coworker, struggling to keep still with my hands buried in my pockets, and broke down crying once we made it to the room.
+I mostly just shut myself in my house. I left twice. Once to see a friend for some company, and once to go to therapy. I stood in the lobby while my therapist had a small chat with a coworker, struggling to keep still with my hands buried in my pockets, and broke down crying once we made it to the room.
 
-She had a solution --- or a set of solutions --- that we could try. One medication to start with, one fallback medication, and a vitamin regimen. Picking them up at the pharmacy on the way home was another source of tears, as the pharmacist, reading off the screen, said, "This is for twitching? Involuntary movements?" and I nodded, more a jitter than an intentional motion, as my hands wandered off along strange hyperbolae, unable to speak for the tears.
+She had a solution --- or a set of solutions --- that we could try. One medication, benzatropine, to start with, one fallback medication, tetrabenazine, and a intensive vitamin regimen to start on right away. Picking them up at the pharmacy on the way home was another source of tears, as the pharmacist, reading off the screen, said, "This is for twitching? Involuntary movements?" and I nodded, more a jitter than an intentional motion, as my hands wandered off along strange hyperbolae, unable to speak for the tears.
 
 > And then, Thanksgiving.
 
@@ -31,13 +31,13 @@ Yes. Thanksgiving, and my dad visiting.
 
 > He had seen the tic before, at least.
 
-Well, yes, but as mentioned, these movements carried along a whole new set of connotations with them. Suddenly I was unable to have a basic conversation without the pauses that come with those moments of fixed posture that form part of dystonia. Suddenly I was unable to get a bite to eat without engaging in my geste antagoniste, resting my chin on the back of my hand with my wrist twisted around unnaturally.
+Well, yes, but as mentioned, these movements carried along a whole new set of connotations with them. Suddenly I was unable to have a basic conversation without the pauses that come with those moments of fixed posture. Suddenly I was unable to get a bite to eat without engaging in my geste antagoniste, resting my chin on the back of my hand with my wrist twisted around unnaturally.
 
 > Suddenly you were painfully, visibly vulnerable in front of him.
 
 Yes.
 
-And at a restaurant. A dinner that probably cost him eight hundred dollars for the four of us.
+And at a restaurant. A dinner that cost him eight hundred dollars for the four of us.
 
 > At one point, he asked you what was wrong and you tried not to cry as you mumbled, "I'm just having a hard time holding still."
 

content/movement/009.md

@@ -5,25 +5,25 @@ weight: 9
 
 > And now you're still again.
 
-Sometimes. One of the treatments worked, though I'm not sure which. One of them caused vertigo and nausea, and I'm not sure which. But even after I stopped, I'm usually still.
+Sometimes. One of the treatments worked, though I'm not sure which. One of them caused vertigo and nausea, though I'm not sure which. But even after I went off them, I'm usually still.
 
 > Is that not enough?
 
-It's certainly better. The stress of driving will bring out the dance-like turn of my arm. An interview a few weeks ago went poorly after the twitching and twirling got bad enough to prevent me from focusing on the problem at hand. A distressing scene in a movie will leave me paralyzed and rigid in my seat, posture unnatural and unnerving.
+It's certainly better, don't get me wrong. The stress of driving will bring out the dance-like turn of my arm. An interview a few weeks ago went poorly after the twitching and twirling got bad enough to prevent me from focusing on the problem at hand. A distressing scene in a movie will leave me paralyzed and rigid in my seat, posture unnatural and unnerving.
 
 Judith reassured me that it looked like I was stretching, that it was less distressing than the tic.
 
 > You still apologized. You apologized to all of your partners the first time they saw it, and countless times after.
 
-Yes. I explained and explained, hoping they'd forgive you.
+Yes. I explained and explained, hoping they'd forgive me.
 
 > For what? For being less than perfect?
 
-For being vulnerable. Even after so long away from my dad and Jay, it's ingrained in me that vulnerability is a personal failing. Or perhaps it's more general: perhaps vulnerability is worth apologizing for for some hereditary reason. Perhaps I'm apologizing to my ancestors, to the human race, for being less than they hoped for.
+For being vulnerable. Even after so long away from my dad and Jay, it's ingrained in me that vulnerability is a personal failing. Or perhaps it's more general: perhaps vulnerability is worth apologizing for because of some hereditary reason. Perhaps I'm apologizing to my ancestors, to the human race, for being less than they hoped for, for being a disappointment.
 
 > How very human of you.
 
-My therapist apologized to me on one stressy day when I was pretty twitchy. She said she felt bad for having caused this. I rushed to reassure her that, no, it probably wasn't her fault, that I'd been on the antipsychotics for a while before ever meeting her. That the tic started back in 2012.
+My therapist apologized to me on one stressy day when I was visibly struggling to stay still. She said she felt bad for having caused this. I rushed to reassure her that, no, it probably wasn't her fault, that I'd been on the antipsychotics for a while before ever meeting her. That the tic started back in 2012 before I'd even started those.
 
 > You apologized for the fact that she felt the need to apologize.
 
@@ -31,4 +31,4 @@ Well, yes.
 
 > It's not your fault either, you know.
 
-On an intellectual level, sure. On some deeper level, obviously not.
+On an intellectual level, sure. I know. On some deeper level, obviously I don't. Or can't.