114 lines
4.5 KiB
TeX
114 lines
4.5 KiB
TeX
\null
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\vfill
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\begin{verse}[1.01\textwidth]
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Saturday is for mechanics.\\
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Sunday is for terror.\\
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Monday is for acceptance.\\
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Tuesday is for purging.\\
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Wednesday is for anxiety.\\
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Thursday is for sleep.
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\end{verse}
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\vfill
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\newpage
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\begin{verse}[1.01\textwidth]
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It is surprisingly hard to think something real\\
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when every indication, every word, all you feel\\
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tells you that that must not be the case.\\
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There's no easy way to make yourself face\\
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that which your emotions continually deny,\\
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no matter how true you know it to be.\\!
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\vinphantom{no matter how true you know it to be.} But why\\
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must all these contradictions claim events\\
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that mean the most to us? What prevents\\
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them from taking the unimportant? The small?\\
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Is the import just to big? Can we not fit all\\
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of the thing in our heads? Are we too weak?\\
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Is the life-changing too vast to explore, to seek\\
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out every corner?
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\end{verse}
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\begin{ally}
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Have you considered that your constant seeking\\
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\noindent may be the problem? That your anxieties leaking\\
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\noindent all over may be what's preventing you\\
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\noindent from recognizing what's actually true:\\
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\noindent you can do things for yourself. It's allowed.
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\end{ally}
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\begin{verse}[1.01\textwidth]
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It also doesn't help that there were so many delays.\\
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The scheduler losing my application, and me counting days\\
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after those who consulted after me got their dates;\\
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The mishap of the letters, and me rushing past gates\\
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and their keepers; countless thoughts of countless regrets ---\\
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regrets which hadn't yet happened --- as mom frets\\
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that maybe I will wind up hating my new body.\\
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And why not? Why not fret? Surgery! How gaudy.\\
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I fight with myself enough over how this surgery\\
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is plastic, how I'm just doing something sugary\\
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to somehow make myself somewhat more appealing.\\
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How trite. How selfish. How lame. How revealing\\
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of my bottomless shallowness.
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\end{verse}
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\begin{ally}
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Your saving grace being, as always, dysphoria:\\
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\noindent more than any cough or cold, more than your chorea,\\
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\noindent it provided you with a problem. Something fixable.\\
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\noindent It gave you a tangible solution to something integral\\
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\noindent that plagued you.
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\end{ally}
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\begin{verse}[1.01\textwidth]
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That I had something I could concrete at which to point\\
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that would be fixed by this act, I could thus annoint\\
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it as somehow more worthy, something worth doing.\\
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If I could go through some process of ungluing,\\
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excise this thing from myself I might become whole\\
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in some way never before imagined.\\!
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\vinphantom{in some way never before imagined.} Ah, but the toll.\\
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There must always some arbitrary price to pay ---\\
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Self-actualization must never be free --- and hey,\\
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Everything in society must come with a reason.\\
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To come up with letters, proof, for that season\\
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of change must serve some sort of divine end.\\
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To wait eighteen long months, to refuse to bend\\
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to others' whims\ldots{}
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\end{verse}
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\begin{ally}
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You got your letters, you got your date, you did it.\\
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\noindent You did your labor, you did your time. They let you fidget\\
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\noindent and twist in the wind. Hell, they did it to you twice.\\
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\noindent Your letters only good for one year, you had to ask nice\\
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\noindent for a second set.
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\end{ally}
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\begin{verse}[1.01\textwidth]
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Yes.\\!
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\vinphantom{Yes. } To preempt your 'why', I followed my own advice:\\
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If I feel the same when I'm depressed as I do when I feel nice,\\
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It's a thing worth doing. Eighteen months is time enough\\
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to let at least two depressive cycles call my own bluff.\\
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When they did not, when I panicked at having to reapply\\
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and still pulled through in time, well, no need to justify\\
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my actions any further. That's when it all became real.\\
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That's when I was in. That's when I could tell just by feel\\
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that I was ready for this change. I wasn't \emph{ready} ready,\\
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but I was ready enough to come off as rock steady\\
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when I called the surgeon's office. I was visibly confident,\\
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even at the pre-operative appointments, totally cognizant\\
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that I didn't deserve this.
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\end{verse}
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\begin{ally}
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Whether or not you deserve this is not up for debate.\\
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\noindent Not because you do or don't so much as because the hand fate\\
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\noindent dealt you. You had the job, you had the insurance, the means.\\
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\noindent You made the call. You took the step. You passed the screens.\\
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\noindent \textbf{You} did this.
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\end{ally}
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\newpage
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