163 lines
4.1 KiB
TeX
163 lines
4.1 KiB
TeX
\noindent Self harm is a recurring theme within my life.
|
|
|
|
It takes so many forms, too. The cutting and burning, sure, but also the self-sabotage. Dropping my testosterone to zero. If approaching this in a sexual fashion was wrong, then remove the sexuality.
|
|
|
|
\begin{ally}
|
|
An obvious solution.
|
|
\end{ally}
|
|
I punished myself for what I did. If was fetishizing, if I was causing harm, then I deserved to suffer for it. I removed my sexuality from the picture. Cyproterone acetate twice a day and medroxyprogesterone every two weeks does a really good job of that.
|
|
|
|
I tell myself now that if I belive something to be true when I'm depressed as well as when I'm hypomanic, it's more likely to be right.
|
|
|
|
\begin{ally}
|
|
One of us only tells the truth, and one of us only lies.
|
|
\end{ally}
|
|
Perhaps if I still felt like I existed a few millimeters to the left of my body when sex wasn't a part of the equation, I was more likely to be right in pursuing the path of gender exploration.
|
|
|
|
I talked with JD about this, he helped me out, but I told basically no one else. I tanked my T and attempted to learn from my punishment.
|
|
|
|
\begin{ally}
|
|
Now now, what did we say about secrets?
|
|
\end{ally}
|
|
And then I let it slip on FurryMUCK, yes.
|
|
|
|
\begin{ally}
|
|
You spilled the beans.
|
|
\end{ally}
|
|
Yes. Then I admitted it. I talked about it.
|
|
|
|
\begin{ally}
|
|
You spoiled the surprise.
|
|
\end{ally}
|
|
Everyone was so confused.
|
|
|
|
\begin{ally}
|
|
Lapsus linguae.
|
|
\end{ally}
|
|
I was so ashamed.
|
|
|
|
\begin{ally}
|
|
You spoke too soon.
|
|
\end{ally}
|
|
Even my punishment was wrong.
|
|
|
|
\begin{ally}
|
|
It was the last thing Margaras heard from you.
|
|
\end{ally}
|
|
Never mind stopping myself from creating Younes, nevermind stopping myself from chemical castration; if I could go back in time, I would stop myself from saying anything for just a few more days.
|
|
|
|
\begin{ally}
|
|
He died knowing that about you.
|
|
\end{ally}
|
|
If Margaras had to die, I would that he not die with that being the last he heard from me.
|
|
|
|
\begin{ally}
|
|
You cannot take that back.
|
|
\end{ally}
|
|
If Younes, chemcast, and Margs' death are immutable, if losing my friends was inevitable, at least let me delay the hour of my mistake.
|
|
|
|
\begin{ally}
|
|
You cannot.
|
|
\end{ally}
|
|
Please.
|
|
|
|
\begin{ally}
|
|
You cannot.
|
|
\end{ally}
|
|
Oh god.
|
|
|
|
\begin{ally}
|
|
It was the last thing he heard from you.
|
|
\end{ally}
|
|
Merciful god, please take me away.
|
|
|
|
\begin{ally}
|
|
You never spoke to him again.
|
|
\end{ally}
|
|
I will close my eyes and my heart and become a stone.
|
|
\newpage
|
|
|
|
\noindent There is too much fire in me
|
|
|
|
to be described by the soldering iron's tip.
|
|
|
|
\begin{ally}
|
|
I must not fear.
|
|
\end{ally}
|
|
Were I to draw it across my skin,
|
|
|
|
it would all spill out at once.
|
|
|
|
\begin{ally}
|
|
Fear is the mind-killer.
|
|
\end{ally}
|
|
I'd melt, eaten whole by flames,
|
|
|
|
and flow into a pool of molten glass.
|
|
|
|
\begin{ally}
|
|
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
|
|
\end{ally}
|
|
Sublimation would claim me,
|
|
|
|
atoms would scatter, diffuse.
|
|
|
|
\begin{ally}
|
|
I will face my fear.
|
|
\end{ally}
|
|
I would be borne up through the clouds,
|
|
|
|
and grow lighter by the second.
|
|
|
|
\begin{ally}
|
|
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
|
|
\end{ally}
|
|
All that energy poured to the air around me,
|
|
|
|
an imperceptible increase in temperature.
|
|
|
|
\begin{ally}
|
|
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
|
|
\end{ally}
|
|
Particle would excite particle
|
|
|
|
until I'm felt only as warmth on your face.
|
|
|
|
\begin{ally}
|
|
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
|
|
\end{ally}
|
|
But even that would not be enough.
|
|
|
|
\begin{ally}
|
|
Only I will remain.
|
|
\end{ally}
|
|
\newpage
|
|
|
|
TIASAP stands for \emph{The Ill-Advised Self-Administration Period}.
|
|
|
|
This is why.
|
|
|
|
I was unsafe about it.
|
|
|
|
I lost my sexuality for years.
|
|
|
|
I turned the need for change into punishment.
|
|
|
|
The color drained from my universe. The flavor was gone from food. I could not smell.
|
|
|
|
\begin{ally}
|
|
And when you added in a bit of estrogen, you wept at the return of sensation.
|
|
\end{ally}
|
|
I tell myself now that if I belive something to be true when I'm depressed as well as when I'm hypomanic, it's more likely to be right.
|
|
|
|
And, well.
|
|
|
|
Now I knew it was right.
|
|
|
|
But I was unsafe, I was punishing myself, and I did it all on purpose.
|
|
|
|
\begin{ally}
|
|
Why ruin your life on accident when you can do it on purpose?
|
|
\end{ally}
|
|
\newpage
|