198 lines
5.1 KiB
TeX
198 lines
5.1 KiB
TeX
\label{selfharm:selfharm}
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\index{Mental health!self harm|(}
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\noindent Self harm is a recurring theme within my life.
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It takes so many forms, too. The cutting and burning, sure, but also the self-sabotage. Dropping my testosterone to zero. If approaching this in a sexual fashion was wrong, then remove the sexuality.
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\begin{ally}
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An obvious solution.
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\end{ally}
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I punished myself for what I did. If was fetishizing, if I was causing harm, then I deserved to suffer for it. I removed my sexuality from the picture. Cyproterone acetate twice a day and medroxyprogesterone every two weeks does a really good job of that.
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I tell myself now that if I belive something to be true when I'm depressed as well as when I'm hypomanic, it's more likely to be right.
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\begin{ally}
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One of us only tells the truth, and one of us only lies.
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\end{ally}
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Perhaps if I still felt like I existed a few millimeters to the left of my body when sex wasn't a part of the equation, I was more likely to be right in pursuing the path of gender exploration.
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I talked with JD about this, he helped me out, but I told basically no one else. I tanked my T and attempted to learn from my punishment.
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\begin{ally}
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Now now, what did we say about secrets?
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\end{ally}
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And then I let it slip on FurryMUCK, yes.
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\begin{ally}
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You spilled the beans.
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\end{ally}
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Yes. Then I admitted it. I talked about it.
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\begin{ally}
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You spoiled the surprise.
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\end{ally}
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Everyone was so confused.
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\begin{ally}
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Lapsus linguae.
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\end{ally}
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I was so ashamed.
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\begin{ally}
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You spoke too soon.
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\end{ally}
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Even my punishment was wrong.
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\begin{ally}
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It was the last thing Margaras heard from you.
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\end{ally}
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Never mind stopping myself from creating Younes, nevermind stopping myself from chemical castration; if I could go back in time, I would stop myself from saying anything for just a few more days.
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\begin{ally}
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He died knowing that about you.
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\end{ally}
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If Margaras had to die, I would that he not die with that being the last he heard from me.
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\begin{ally}
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You cannot take that back.
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\end{ally}
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If Younes, chemcast, and Margs' death are immutable, if losing my friends was inevitable, at least let me delay the hour of my mistake.
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\begin{ally}
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You cannot.
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\end{ally}
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Please.
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\begin{ally}
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You cannot.
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\end{ally}
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Oh god.
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\begin{ally}
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It was the last thing he heard from you.
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\end{ally}
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Merciful god, please take me away.
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\begin{ally}
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You never spoke to him again.
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\end{ally}
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I will close my eyes and my heart and become a stone.
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\newpage
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\null
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\thispagestyle{empty}
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\newpage
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\noindent There is too much fire in me
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to be described by the soldering iron's tip.
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\begin{ally}
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I must not fear.
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\end{ally}
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Were I to draw it across my skin,
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it would all spill out at once.
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\begin{ally}
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Fear is the mind-killer.
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\end{ally}
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I'd melt, eaten whole by flames,
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and flow into a pool of molten glass.
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\begin{ally}
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Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
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\end{ally}
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Sublimation would claim me,
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atoms would scatter, diffuse.
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\begin{ally}
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I will face my fear.
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\end{ally}
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I would be borne up through the clouds,
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and grow lighter by the second.
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\begin{ally}
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I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
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\end{ally}
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All that energy poured to the air around me,
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an imperceptible increase in temperature.
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\begin{ally}
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And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
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\end{ally}
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Particle would excite particle
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until I'm felt only as warmth on your face.
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\newpage
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\null
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\vfill
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\begin{ally}
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Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
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\end{ally}
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But even that would not be enough.
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\begin{ally}
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Only I will remain.
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\end{ally}
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\vfill
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\newpage
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\noindent TIASAP stands for \emph{The Ill-Advised Self-Administration Period}.
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This is why.
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I was unsafe about it.
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I lost my sexuality for years.
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I turned the need for change into punishment.
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The color drained from my universe. The flavor was gone from food. I could not smell.
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\begin{ally}
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And when you added in a bit of estrogen, you wept at the return of sensation.
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\end{ally}
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I tell myself now that if I belive something to be true when I'm depressed as well as when I'm hypomanic, it's more likely to be right.
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And, well.
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% XXX footnote color
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Now I knew it was right.\footnote{\color[HTML]{dddddd}Page \pageref{gender:gender}}
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But I was unsafe, I was punishing myself, and I did it all on purpose.
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\begin{ally}
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Why ruin your life on accident when you can do it on purpose?
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\end{ally}
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\newpage
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\null
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\thispagestyle{empty}
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\index{Mental health!self harm|)}
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