Styling, edits
This commit is contained in:
Madison Scott-Clary
@ -13,7 +13,7 @@ I leaned back in the chair and adopted what I imagined was a thoughtful expressi
|
||||
|
||||
The wolf cocked his head.
|
||||
|
||||
"It's difficult to be balance being the leader of a congregation with being an awkward mess in social situations."
|
||||
"It's difficult to balance being the leader of a congregation with being an awkward mess in social situations."
|
||||
|
||||
He laughed. "Okay, yeah, I can see that."
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
@ -7,7 +7,7 @@ Or, here at work, we place them facing a parking lot. I know, of course, that th
|
||||
|
||||
There is this occasional fad among certain groups on the Internet, I've been told, of seeking out so-called liminal spaces. I think that the term is ill-fitting. Liminality has a very specific meaning. I do not think that many of the places described as "liminal" that show up on social media and forums on the 'net are liminal so much as abandoned and vaguely spooky. They are not a place between, they are not a place one transits, not a border. They are simply poorly lit or forgotten.
|
||||
|
||||
The important thing about liminality, though, is not that a place be forgotten and certainly that it not be in any way scary, but that it should slip and slide beneath your interest. Liminality requires some form of passing through, It needs to be a border that you cross or a place that you enter for the sole purpose of exiting. Abandoned shopping malls are not liminal. A barn, canted awkwardly to the side with age, standing alone in a field is not liminal.
|
||||
The important thing about liminality, though, is not that a place be forgotten and certainly not that it be in any way scary, but that it should slip and slide beneath your interest. Liminality requires some form of passing through, It needs to be a border that you cross or a place that you enter for the sole purpose of exiting. Abandoned shopping malls are not liminal. A barn, canted awkwardly to the side with age, standing alone in a field is not liminal.
|
||||
|
||||
A parking lot is liminal. An airport is liminal. A drive-thru is liminal. These are the spaces that exist only to be traversed. They are the spaces where, should you get stuck in them, you will be struck by the unnerving quality of the experience. They are not places that you visit. They are places that, should you visit --- really, intentionally visit --- you will feel unwelcome because they resist the very idea of doing so. They push back at you, in some intangible way, and say: "You are not meant to be here."
|
||||
|
||||
@ -23,7 +23,7 @@ Along with all of this, however, has come with a necessary distance from romance
|
||||
|
||||
I have, at various points in life, picked up a romantic twinge, and when I do, I cherish it. I will sit with that feeling and enjoy it, and then I will put it up on some shelf within me to be a part of my life, and yet in some way apart from it.
|
||||
|
||||
It is not unlike praying in that sense: God is always a part of my life, and yet is apart from it. I do not subscribe to many of the modern evangelical takes on religion, wherein God is within you and Jesus in your heart, but something perhaps more conservative and old-fashioned. God is beside me, perhaps. Above me. He is with me, but not within me.
|
||||
It is not unlike praying in that sense: God is always a part of my life, and yet is apart from it. I do not subscribe to many of the modern evangelical takes on religion, wherein God is within you and Jesus in your heart, but something more conservative and old-fashioned. God is beside me, perhaps. Above me. He is with me, but not within me.
|
||||
|
||||
Another way to look at this is perhaps that these feelings are embers, or the smoldering of paper that has not yet caught fire into a relationship. You can see the faint tint of red crawling along the fibers of the paper, and yes, I suppose that you could blow on it and coax it into something more, but better, for me, to watch it slowly consume the paper, enjoy the beauty of the ember and the delicacy of the ash it leaves behind, and then, once it has gone out, acknowledge that it has left me a new person.
|
||||
|
||||
@ -35,7 +35,7 @@ Kay and I met during the last year of her undergrad and the first year of my gra
|
||||
|
||||
That's four years gone now, though, and that these feelings were not in place soon after we met clouded my judgement when I started to pick up so intense a set of emotions. When one feels a yearning that saps one's strength, one expects that this is to be fairytale-level pining. Love at first sight. Smitten by looks. Utterly taken with the ways in which one speaks.
|
||||
|
||||
But no, when I first met Kay, I had made a mental note that she was a conventionally attractive coyote, no-nonsense and to the point, an absent-minded dresser, and almost frighteningly competent. I read in her some of the same facets of autism that I see within myself, and I suspect much of her quiet efficiency stemmed from the fact that she, like me, often found herself feeling insufferable. It has taken me training and practice to soften my voice, to understand expressions, postures, and the vocal tics that make up people. I feel myself to be an empathetic person, a fact which drove me first to ministry and then to psychology, but to *actually connect* with those around me on an individual basis took effort.[^maskingeffort]
|
||||
But no, when I first met Kay, I had made a mental note that she was a conventionally attractive coyote, no-nonsense and to the point, an absent-minded dresser, and almost frighteningly competent. I read in her some of the same facets of an awkward social fit that I see within myself, and I suspect much of her quiet efficiency stemmed from the fact that she, like me, often found herself feeling insufferable. It has taken me training and practice to soften my voice, to understand expressions, postures, and the vocal tics that make up people. I feel myself to be an empathetic person, a fact which drove me first to ministry and then to psychology, but to *actually connect* with those around me on an individual basis took effort.[^maskingeffort]
|
||||
|
||||
I freely admit that the ILL office was not necessarily the type of place where one focuses on exemplary customer service, but still, this did not seem to be something that Kay was interested in in the slightest. She was there to do her job, do it quickly, and do it well. After a few visits picking up and returning books[^books], I decided that I would try to befriend her and find out how much we had in common.
|
||||
|
||||
@ -55,7 +55,7 @@ We slid effortlessly into a routine of sharing lunches several times a week. I w
|
||||
|
||||
At the end of her time at UI Sawtooth, I had the chance to attend her senior recital, where several other students from the various departments performed a few short compositions of hers. The music was cerebral and, to my ears, dissonant, even dark, but it was as fastidious as her in a way that I cannot explain. I applauded heartily and after the show we hugged and she invited me out to drinks with her family, who all proved quite friendly and much like her. Thinking back, I suspect that must have made quite the sight: four coyotes sitting around a table at a fairly nice restaurant, speaking in essays to expound on whatever thesis has come into their heads.
|
||||
|
||||
Spending time with other autistic folks was not a strange occurrence to me, as I had known a few in university and had as a matter of course of course met several in my training, but for some reason, that night was the first time I could say that I felt comfortable in that portion of my identity. I felt at home with others, and, strange as it seems to say, rather like a member of their family.
|
||||
Spending time with others on the spectrum was not a strange occurrence to me, as I had known a few in university and had as a matter of course of course met several in my training, but for some reason, that night was the first time I could say that I felt comfortable in that portion of my identity. I felt at home with others, and, strange as it seems to say, rather like a member of their family.
|
||||
|
||||
My lunch break is nearing its end, out here in the liminal lot, so I should probably hold off from writing any more, but I should note before I do that it *is* interesting that much of what I describe here in retrospect bespeaks an early attraction that I had not at the time attributed to budding romance or anything so grand.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
@ -14,7 +14,7 @@ This means that there are two possible scenarios to consider:
|
||||
* My subconscious mind was starting to, as a client put it the other day, catch feelings, and thus the situation I find myself in now has a longer history than expected
|
||||
* The history behind this current set of emotions has some later starting point and the way in which Kay and I became friends has no bearing on the present other than as an interesting story.
|
||||
|
||||
If the former is the case, then I think it is worth some introspection as to what about our in-person interactions might have drawn me to her romantically. As I mentioned, she was frightfully smart. She was kind. She was not unattractive, either, and as a coyote, certainly someone who ought to have been in the market for me.[^market]
|
||||
If the former is the case, then I think it is worth some introspection as to what about our in-person interactions might have drawn me to her romantically. As I mentioned, she was frightfully smart. She was kind. She was not unattractive[^judge], either, and as a coyote, certainly someone who ought to have been in the market for me.[^market]
|
||||
|
||||
If the latter is the case, however, then I have to wonder why it is that such feelings did not form until distance became an issue, for less than a month after that dinner with Kay and her parents, she moved away from UI Sawtooth to prepare for her masters at UI Boise and our communication moved almost entirely to email and PostFast messages. I know that we tried to call once or twice, but neither of us is particularly keen on phones.
|
||||
|
||||
@ -30,7 +30,7 @@ The room had had more than enough scent mitigation in place, and I know that the
|
||||
|
||||
However, while the audience had been sitting still and watching the concert, Kay had been up on the stage for much of the performance, conducting, playing the piano, and speaking about the music she had written and I suspect that that combined with any nerves she may have felt prior to and during the performance must have had her a bit worked up, for she smelled more strongly than I'm sure I did.
|
||||
|
||||
I remember laying in bed, breathing shallowly as I tried to recall that scent in its most intricate details. My thoughts became fractal in my weariness and I found myself refining and refining my memories. Did she smell of exertion? Did she smell of cleanliness? Did she smell fresh? She smelled of all three, so what were the percentages of each within her scent as a whole.
|
||||
I remember laying in bed, breathing shallowly as I tried to recall that scent in its most intricate details. My thoughts became fractal in my weariness and I found myself refining and refining my memories. Did she smell of exertion? Did she smell of cleanliness? Did she smell fresh? She smelled of all three, so what were the percentages of each within her scent as a whole?
|
||||
|
||||
I remember feeling a pang in my chest as I realized that I wanted to experience that again. That scent, the feeling of her cheek against mine. I wanted it desperately. I craved that moment, drawn out and extended.
|
||||
|
||||
@ -46,4 +46,6 @@ I was not surprised, but I was, admittedly, disappointed. I try not to be disapp
|
||||
|
||||
Perhaps I just wanted some guidance.
|
||||
|
||||
[^judge]: My judgement must be taken with a grain of salt in this matter, given the situation. Do I hedge? Do I undersell?
|
||||
|
||||
[^market]: I know that many of the more liberal bent are increasingly okay with interspecies relationships, but, liberal as I try to be, my upbringing and my time within the church seem to have set me on the straight and narrow path, here.
|
||||
|
||||
@ -1,7 +1,7 @@
|
||||
---
|
||||
---
|
||||
|
||||
It's been a few days, and while the dream has not come back, it still clings to me like a scent. When laying in bed, drowsy and sleepless I will find myself exploring that space over and over again. Did I touch her? Did I smell her? I know that I was attuned to her presence, but did I even get a good look at her?
|
||||
It's been a few days, and while the dream has not come back, it still clings to me like scent. When laying in bed, drowsy and sleepless I will find myself exploring that space over and over again. Did I touch her? Did I smell her? I know that I was attuned to her presence, but did I even get a good look at her?
|
||||
|
||||
I do not know. So much left me in the seconds after I woke up that I'm left with the vague outlines of a plot and so many half-remembered sensations.
|
||||
|
||||
@ -17,7 +17,7 @@ I do very little on a whim. I plan and organize and I watch and wait until I fin
|
||||
|
||||
There are days in which it feels like a dream: not in that I don't believe it, so much as the lack of engagement with the idea beforehand did not give my mind time to prepare and internalize the enormity of what I was doing, and so even these many years later, I catch myself beginning those internal dialogs, setting up argument after argument for why I should leave my chosen path for another, and then with an electric jolt, or the sensation of missing a stair on a staircase, or perhaps the rush of a near accident on the road, I realize that the thing I am trying to rationalize has already been completed: the battery contacts bridged, the step missed, the red light run. I have already left and there is no arguments to be made.
|
||||
|
||||
And then, as with today, I struggle to try and justify this decision to myself. I have talked with Jeremy --- the skunk is an atheist, but well read in many religions --- and I have talked with my fellows in the church and I have talked with God. The church would welcome me back to pastoral life, I think, were I to want such a thing, I have not abandoned God. If anything, I have grown closer to Him since leaving the path to priesthood.
|
||||
And then, as with today, I struggle to try and justify this decision to myself. I have talked with Jeremy --- the skunk is an atheist, but well read in religions --- and I have talked with my fellows in the church and I have talked with God. The church would welcome me back to pastoral life, I think, were I to want such a thing, I have not abandoned God. If anything, I have grown closer to Him since leaving the path to priesthood.
|
||||
|
||||
But that door nonetheless seems shut to me. I made the decision, however brashly, and there is nothing more to be done. It was the *right* decision, too. It was right at the time and it remains so to this day.
|
||||
|
||||
@ -29,7 +29,7 @@ I remember shrugging and saying, "It's still on my mind. I've been thinking a lo
|
||||
|
||||
"Yes," he replied. "But why are you talking about a snap decision when you can't make any decision about Kay? What's different?"
|
||||
|
||||
This hit me in a strange way. I wanted to roll my eyes and say that this was precisely the problem I was facing, that the problem was that the decision came to me with no forethought. However, a therapist usually does not go out of their way to wrong-foot a client without there being more to the question, and so I motioned for him to continue.
|
||||
This was more impactful at the time than it seems writing now. I wanted to roll my eyes and say that this was precisely the problem I was facing, that the problem was that the decision came to me with no forethought. However, a therapist usually does not go out of their way to wrong-foot a client without there being more to the question, and so I motioned for him to continue.
|
||||
|
||||
"You are a very deliberate person, there is no denying that. You live your entire life in a deliberate fashion. I think we would both agree that your leaving Saint John's was sudden, yes, but still deliberate." He paused and waited for me to nod. "But when you talk about your feelings on Kay, all of that falls away. You waffle and equivocate and stay put, never moving forward."
|
||||
|
||||
@ -45,7 +45,7 @@ This hit me in a strange way. I wanted to roll my eyes and say that this was pre
|
||||
|
||||
I was not able to come up with the word for it during the session, but I think I have it now: I am missing the *basis* for my feelings. They are not *grounded* in anything. Yes, she's a friend. Yes, we share similarities. Yes, she's attractive and my species and a potential partner.
|
||||
|
||||
But there's no real basis for these feelings. All of those things were true when we met. They were all true when we hugged after her senior recital. They remain true today. Nothing has changed in our communications other than them moving primarily online and occasionally over voice or video, and yet out of nowhere I suddenly have this enormous desire for her. Not physical desire, though I would not turn down the intimacy, but a desire for her presence. A longing.
|
||||
But there's no real basis for these feelings. All of those things were true when we met. They were all true when we hugged after her senior recital. They remain true today. Nothing has changed in our communications other than them moving primarily online and occasionally over voice or video, and yet out of nowhere I suddenly have this enormous desire for her. Not physical desire --- though I would not turn down the intimacy --- but a desire for her presence. A longing.
|
||||
|
||||
There is a concept that I think touches on this set of feelings, which is that of limerence. As long as I am to work on my emotional literacy, it is best that I start trying to name what I feel. To call what I am feeling a 'crush' feels inexact. It is not puppy love. It is not new relationship energy. It is not lust. It is an uncontrollable romantic desire.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
@ -17,27 +17,27 @@ What we did talk about, however, was much of what I spoke about with Jeremy yest
|
||||
|
||||
What she did not know, however, was that I had left of my own accord. At some point along the way, she had picked up on the idea that perhaps I had been ushered out unwillingly. When pressed as to why, she said,
|
||||
|
||||
*5:31 PM Kay>* Oh, I don't know. I suppose I had guessed that you were gay or into out-species relationships or something.
|
||||
> *5:31 PM Kay>* Oh, I don't know. I suppose I had guessed that you were gay or into out-species relationships or something.
|
||||
|
||||
My reply:
|
||||
|
||||
*5:31 PM Dee>* Oh goodness, no. Not something I particularly have a problem with, but I can confirm that my preferences remain quite straight and quite coyote.
|
||||
> *5:31 PM Dee>* Oh goodness, no. Not something I particularly have a problem with, but I can confirm that my preferences remain quite straight and quite coyote.
|
||||
|
||||
This probably would have been the best time for me to broach the topic, but I can point to this spot definitively as where I chickened out. Instead, I continued,
|
||||
|
||||
*5:33 PM Dee>* What lead to that assessment? I'm curious.
|
||||
> *5:33 PM Dee>* What lead to that assessment? I'm curious.
|
||||
|
||||
*5:33 PM Kay>* I'm not sure. You're a bit hard to read so I took that as there being some sort of internal conflict.
|
||||
> *5:33 PM Kay>* I'm not sure. You're a bit hard to read so I took that as there being some sort of internal conflict.
|
||||
|
||||
*5:33 PM Dee>* I think I'm just terrible at communicating.
|
||||
> *5:33 PM Dee>* I think I'm just terrible at communicating.
|
||||
|
||||
*5:33 PM Kay>* Also a possibility!
|
||||
> *5:33 PM Kay>* Also a possibility!
|
||||
|
||||
From there I explained much of what I had talked about earlier, about how I started to doubt my calling, rather than my faith or scriptures, and yet how my decision to leave had come suddenly enough to surprise even myself.
|
||||
|
||||
Now that I write this and think about her comment, though, I do wonder: the administration let me go with surprising ease. The attempts to keep me along the path to the clergy were faint at best, and I was able to simply walk away from the vocation with little impact to my standing within my own congregation and essentially no strife from the school itself.
|
||||
|
||||
!{Why was this? In a church whose adherents continue to dwindle, why was there so little attempt to keep me around? Was it because of me? Was it because they did not see a fit for me? For someone neurodivergent, outside the narrow spectrum of neurotypicality that they themselves held to so strongly? Was it because I was a pest? Were I to reapply, would I be welcomed back, even if I have better learned to function within society through whatever masking they might appreciate?
|
||||
I sometimes wonder: why was this? In a church whose adherents continue to dwindle, why was there so little attempt to keep me around? Was it because of me? Was it because they did not see a fit for me? For someone neurodivergent, outside the narrow spectrum of neurotypicality that they themselves held to so strongly? Surely that is part of it, as I have expressed. Was it because I was a pest, though? Were I to reapply, would I be welcomed back, even if I have better learned to function within society through whatever masking they might appreciate?
|
||||
|
||||
Was I preempting them asking me to leave by leaving, myself?
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
@ -45,7 +45,7 @@ I also remember that there was no discussion of us sitting at the same table and
|
||||
|
||||
We talked a little, though I've largely forgotten about what. I remember asking what techniques classes were, and I remember she asked me what I did for work, but the rest must have been small talk that slipped from my mind.
|
||||
|
||||
All I remember is the not-unpleasant sensation of seeing something out of place. Kay belonged in the library. That was the context in which she fit most easily. That she might exist outside, might have a life, might actually be a real person, with real hopes, real dreams, the very real need to eat added depth to her, and while, on thinking back, I'm sure there was no early hint of a crush, there was no small amount of pride in the small success of having seemingly made a friend after setting my mind to the matter.
|
||||
All I remember is the not-unpleasant sensation of seeing something out of place. Kay belonged in the library. That was the context in which she fit most easily. That she might exist outside, might have a life, might actually be a real person, with real hopes, real dreams, the very real need to eat added depth to her, and while, on thinking back, I'm sure while there was no early hint of a crush, there was no small amount of pride in the small success of having seemingly made a friend after setting my mind to the matter.
|
||||
|
||||
[^email]: I have sometimes considered why this might be the case, and I have two main thoughts on the issue. The first is that email allows for threaded conversations. One can respond to a particular email, perhaps even after the conversation has continued from beyond that point. This also allows one to reply inline, even, interjecting thoughts between points one's interlocutor has made. The second is that, as a self-advertised "mobile first" application, PF limits the width of the text per message to what might fit on a phone screen, even when using their desktop application, and something about reading a very narrow, very long block of text feels like a misuse of the medium.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
@ -47,7 +47,7 @@ Her own ears perked up, and it was her turn to wait me into talking more.
|
||||
|
||||
"Like, it sounded dissonant and dark. Not angry or sad or anything. It just sounded dark, like there was a lot going on beneath the surface when you wrote them."
|
||||
|
||||
Her expression softened and she nodded. "I think there was. I didn't mean for all of them to be dark, though. Some of that was some shitty performances. I had some choice words for some of them after."
|
||||
Her expression softened and she nodded. "I think there was. I didn't mean for all of them to be dark, though. Some of that was some shitty performances. I had some choice words for some of the performers after."
|
||||
|
||||
"I'm not quite educated enough to say one way or another on that." I thought for a second, and then shrugged. "And I don't think I'm educated enough to say whether or not the music was too academic or too emotionally abstruse. It did sound like there was a lot going on, though, and that a lot of that was maybe stuff you couldn't put into words."
|
||||
|
||||
@ -79,7 +79,7 @@ I nodded. When she appeared to drift off into thought, I guided her gently back.
|
||||
|
||||
She frowned. "Sort of. Not, like, the idea itself, since I obviously just used my words to explain it, but this weird emotion that that makes me feel. Like...there's a little bit of magic in it, you know? So I feel a little bit of wonder at that. But there's also a little bit of responsibility. It's sort of like I'm the magician and have this responsibility to pull off this crazy hard magic spell for everything to go well. Except that's not the whole thing either, because there's also the performers outside my control, and there's all these looping detours between composer and performer and audience, like the process of finding performers, the journey they take learning the music, and then all the techniques and how well they work in the performance space and how that affects how well they work and--shit, I'm rambling, sorry Dee."
|
||||
|
||||
"Wait, what?" I blinked rapidly and shook my head. "No, Kay, you can talk music to me all day long. I may not be able to keep up with all of the fine details that go into it, but I like hearing you get all excited about it." I followed this up with my best earnest expression and a wag of my tail, adding, "Besides, you're good at listening to me talk about all those things that I get excited about, too."
|
||||
"Wait, what?" I sat up straighter and shook my head. "No, Kay, you can talk music to me all day long. I may not be able to keep up with all of the fine details that go into it, but I like hearing you get all excited about it." I followed this up with my best earnest expression and a wag of my tail, adding, "Besides, you're good at listening to me talk about all those things that I get excited about, too."
|
||||
|
||||
Her guarded look relaxed into something more like relief, and she wagged a little, herself. "Thanks. It's good to have someone to gush at. God knows I don't understand half of what you say, too, for that matter."
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
@ -33,7 +33,7 @@ Why must we Catholics wrap our every action up in shame? There must be some root
|
||||
|
||||
I'm a *therapist*. I should *not* be thinking this way. It's not just wrong, but it reeks of hypocrisy.
|
||||
|
||||
Even as a Christian, there is little enough reason for me to think this way. I have read my Ecclesiastes. I have read my Job. I have buried myself in those words, in Job's speeches and of those of his friends'. I have dug through the arguments on theodicy, I have written my essays, taken my tests on the reasons for bad things happening to good people, how not every terrible experience has its roots in sin. I *know* these things.
|
||||
Even as a Christian, there is little enough reason for me to think this way. I have read my Ecclesiastes. I have read my Job. I have buried myself in those words, in Job's speeches and of those of his friends. I have dug through the arguments on theodicy, I have written my essays, taken my tests on the reasons for bad things happening to good people, how not every terrible experience has its roots in sin. I *know* these things.
|
||||
|
||||
At least, I thought I did.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
@ -25,7 +25,7 @@ I emailed Jeremy my thoughts on the matter, since he works for the same organiza
|
||||
|
||||
> Dee,
|
||||
>
|
||||
> Yeah, that sounds like a fantastic idea. I was about to caution you about the difference in tone between a speech and a journal entry, but given what you have shown me so far of your work, I don't think that that's necessarily a worry for you. I think I've told you "you think in complete sentences" or some variation on that enough times at this point that it has become almost a cliche ☺
|
||||
> Yeah, that sounds like a fantastic idea. I was about to caution you about the difference in tone between a speech and a journal entry, but given what you have shown me so far of your work, I don't think that that's necessarily a worry for you. I think I've told you "you think in complete sentences" or some variation on that enough times at this point that it has become almost a cliche 😺
|
||||
>
|
||||
> One thing that I think I would suggest is that you write this 'journal essay' ASAP so that you have enough time to get your thoughts out of the way. You've mentioned before how easy it is to get caught up in your own thoughts on something while they evolve in the middle of you trying to share them. Write your presentation, then maybe journal about it some, get all the thoughts out of the way that you can so that you're not distracting yourself at the front of the room.
|
||||
>
|
||||
|
||||
@ -23,7 +23,7 @@ For posterity (and an admittedly uneasy sense that I ought to attach just about
|
||||
>
|
||||
> My advisor at St. John's told me that one could think of it like dating. The process of discernment is one of figuring out the relationship between yourself and a potential outcome of that decision before committing to what may be a mistake.
|
||||
>
|
||||
> That can even be very literal. My parents dated for about two years before they decided to get married. In the context of their social lives and their families, this was an absurdly long period of time, but something about each other just made them want to be extra, extra sure that they were ready to be together forever. It's not that they were at each other's throats or constantly frustrated with each other, either. They were some of the most in-love people I've ever known. This year would have been their fortieth anniversary, and until the day they died, they were still holding hands and giving each other these little fawning glances.
|
||||
> That can even be very literal. My parents dated for about two years before they decided to get married. In the context of their social lives and their families, this was an absurdly long period of time, but something about each other just made them want to be extra, extra sure that they were ready to be together forever. It's not that they were at each other's throats or constantly frustrated with each other, either. They were some of the most in-love people I've ever known. This year would have been their fortieth anniversary, and until the day they died, they were still holding paws and giving each other these little fawning glances.
|
||||
>
|
||||
> Where my decision to join the clergy failed, that's an example of a decision that worked out well in the end. Extremely well.
|
||||
>
|
||||
@ -35,61 +35,61 @@ Again, corporate nonsense.
|
||||
|
||||
I shared a bit of this with Kay and she sent me an eye-roll emoji, followed by
|
||||
|
||||
*6:03 PM Kay>* It's bullshit like this that has me glad I'm still in academia. Not that libraries are immune or anything, but they're strange in that you're either a page or assistant like me or you had at least a masters degree.
|
||||
> *6:03 PM Kay>* It's bullshit like this that has me glad I'm still in academia. Not that libraries are immune or anything, but they're strange in that you're either a page or assistant like me or you had at least a masters degree.
|
||||
|
||||
*6:03 PM Dee>* I have a masters.
|
||||
> *6:03 PM Dee>* I have a masters.
|
||||
|
||||
*6:06 PM Kay>* Well, fair enough. Still, I think libraries have this ivory tower nonsense going on in ways that places like you work don't. Reference librarians stick to their subjects, book binders stay in the bindery, book purchasers buy books, assistive tech people deal with assistive tech, etc etc. There's no real effort to bUiLd a TeAm in the same way as it sounds like is happening with you and every other office drone I know.
|
||||
> *6:06 PM Kay>* Well, fair enough. Still, I think libraries have this ivory tower nonsense going on in ways that places like you work don't. Reference librarians stick to their subjects, book binders stay in the bindery, book purchasers buy books, assistive tech people deal with assistive tech, etc etc. There's no real effort to bUiLd a TeAm in the same way as it sounds like is happening with you and every other office drone I know.
|
||||
|
||||
*6:06 PM Dee>* I'd shake my fist at you for calling me an office drone, but you're not wrong.
|
||||
> *6:06 PM Dee>* I'd shake my fist at you for calling me an office drone, but you're not wrong.
|
||||
|
||||
*6:06 PM Kay>* I bet you dress in business casual.
|
||||
> *6:06 PM Kay>* I bet you dress in business casual.
|
||||
|
||||
I laughed and typed back:
|
||||
|
||||
*6:07 PM Dee>* Of course I do! Have to look professional after all.
|
||||
> *6:07 PM Dee>* Of course I do! Have to look professional after all.
|
||||
|
||||
*6:07 PM Kay>* Do you call it "biz cas"? If you do, I will block you immediately.
|
||||
> *6:07 PM Kay>* Do you call it "biz cas"? If you do, I will block you immediately.
|
||||
|
||||
*6:07 PM Dee>* I do not, thank goodness. I call it a button up shirt and slacks like a normal person.
|
||||
> *6:07 PM Dee>* I do not, thank goodness. I call it a button up shirt and slacks like a normal person.
|
||||
|
||||
*6:08 PM Kay>* You are absolutely in no way a normal person.
|
||||
> *6:08 PM Kay>* You are absolutely in no way a normal person.
|
||||
|
||||
*6:08 PM Kay>* What did you wind up talking about anyway?
|
||||
> *6:08 PM Kay>* What did you wind up talking about anyway?
|
||||
|
||||
I sent her the essay and then waited for her to read, feeling anxious, as I always seem to when sharing anything related to religion with Kay. She's never been anything but kind-but-disinterested when the topic has come up before.
|
||||
|
||||
Finally:
|
||||
|
||||
*6:12 PM Kay>* I mean, it sounds like a fluff presentation.
|
||||
> *6:12 PM Kay>* I mean, it sounds like a fluff presentation.
|
||||
|
||||
*6:12 PM Dee>* It was hardly an academic conference.
|
||||
> *6:12 PM Dee>* It was hardly an academic conference.
|
||||
|
||||
*6:13 PM Kay>* Yeah, but it's not really -about- anything, I guess.
|
||||
> *6:13 PM Kay>* Yeah, but it's not really -about- anything, I guess.
|
||||
|
||||
*6:14 PM Dee>* I guess, yeah. Just a loose compilation of thoughts. I wanted to be the first so I don't have to worry about any presentations for a while.
|
||||
> *6:14 PM Dee>* I guess, yeah. Just a loose compilation of thoughts. I wanted to be the first so I don't have to worry about any presentations for a while.
|
||||
|
||||
*6:14 PM Kay>* Hahaha! So cynical, Dee! Never knew you had it in you.
|
||||
> *6:14 PM Kay>* Hahaha! So cynical, Dee! Never knew you had it in you.
|
||||
|
||||
*6:14 PM Kay>* Especially given this apparently pretty earnest speech.
|
||||
> *6:14 PM Kay>* Especially given this apparently pretty earnest speech.
|
||||
|
||||
*6:15 PM Dee>* It was earnest! I am cynical! I contain multitudes.
|
||||
> *6:15 PM Dee>* It was earnest! I am cynical! I contain multitudes.
|
||||
|
||||
*6:15 PM Kay>* Now I'm just picturing you as a priest.
|
||||
> *6:15 PM Kay>* Now I'm just picturing you as a priest.
|
||||
|
||||
*6:16 PM Dee>* Black cassock and Roman collar? Or all the vestments for mass?
|
||||
> *6:16 PM Dee>* Black cassock and Roman collar? Or all the vestments for mass?
|
||||
|
||||
*6:16 PM Kay>* Oh, the black one. Total hot priest vibes. You just have to wear that and call everyone "my child" or whatever and the girls will be all over you.
|
||||
> *6:16 PM Kay>* Oh, the black one. Total hot priest vibes. You just have to wear that and call everyone "my child" or whatever and the girls will be all over you.
|
||||
|
||||
Gears crunched to a halt in my mind. I must have sat there, staring at that message, for several minutes, trying to parse out just how much of it might have been serious.
|
||||
|
||||
*6:21 PM Kay>* Sorry, that was probably pretty insensitive...
|
||||
> *6:21 PM Kay>* Sorry, that was probably pretty insensitive...
|
||||
|
||||
I rubbed my hands over my snout before replying:
|
||||
I rubbed my paws over my snout before replying:
|
||||
|
||||
*6:25 PM Dee>* No no! Just never really thought about "hot priest" being a thing.
|
||||
> *6:25 PM Dee>* No no! Just never really thought about "hot priest" being a thing.
|
||||
|
||||
*6:25 PM Kay>* You're just not on the right parts of the internet.
|
||||
> *6:25 PM Kay>* You're just not on the right parts of the internet.
|
||||
|
||||
The conversation wound down from there, so now I'm writing up my journal and turning Kay's words over and over in my head. They fit strangely into my image of myself. 'Hot priest'? 'Girls all over me'? There isn't a universe in which either of these things is true. I am no judge of how attractive I am and have never bothered to ask, but the idea of a priest being sexy makes my head ache. They are two completely separate concepts in my mind, a Venn diagram with no overlap.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
@ -34,31 +34,3 @@ I don't know. I am just as sure that my feelings for Kay go far, far beyond sex
|
||||
If I'm honest with myself, given my current struggles over even telling her that I have these feelings for her, I think the idea that I actively pursue sex at any point soon is not just inadvisable but outside the realm of possibility.
|
||||
|
||||
I just don't yet know what it means.
|
||||
|
||||
-----
|
||||
|
||||
It's been a few hours, and I have decided that that dream was simply the process of anxiety over the trip combined with a spike in libido. In the other, yes, I could see the layers of meaning going on there, with the ideas of possession and being shut out, but when it comes to what amounted to a sex dream with little in the way of plot or inherent meaning, I don't think there's much one can draw from it.
|
||||
|
||||
It all feels a little silly, being anxious and horny. I'm in my 30s, for goodness sake.
|
||||
|
||||
-----
|
||||
|
||||
I have packed all I think I will need. Laptop in case of emergency appointments, books, steno pads, toiletries. I have clothes enough for a week, including my blazer and slacks for when nicer clothing is required. Kay did not specify the dress code for the concerts, but better safe than sorry. Also, perhaps we can head out to a nicer place to eat one night.
|
||||
|
||||
Here are at least some of the things I've thought of as ideas for stuff to do, so that I can at least have them written down somewhere:
|
||||
|
||||
* Concert --- Kay obviously already requested this.
|
||||
* Movie? I don't know what's out at the moment.
|
||||
* Nice dinner. Boise has to have a good place we can go.
|
||||
* Hiking. This will probably depend on whether we can find some way to get to a trail when neither of us drive. The maps shows a small nature reserve that's just on the edge of town. I imagine that will be fairly accessible.
|
||||
* Bookstore. This may be more for me than her. I do not need any more books, but that will never stop me from browsing.
|
||||
|
||||
I think that this will at least give us a good number of options, and we can play the rest by ear. Even if we wind up doing what we do on the regular, just showing each other videos or watching movies together, only co-located rather than over the 'net, I will be happy. I stand by what I wrote before, that just being together, even if that's 'being bored together', is quite enough to look forward to on its own.
|
||||
|
||||
It's weird, though. I find myself tiptoeing around these different ideas of what to do while I'm out there, thinking things like, "Is this a thing that just friends do? Is it weird for friends to suggest going to a nicer restaurant?" They are all lies. They are all protective actions. They are all me guarding my soft underbelly to keep from exposing my feelings to Kay. Of course friends go to nice restaurants together. Of course that's a thing that friends do. And even beyond that, trying to hide the fact that I desire more than friendship, at least on some level, is doing neither of us any favors.
|
||||
|
||||
I am such a coward. Lord, give me the strength to be honest for once in my life. I know that the petty request of a petty coyote is far outside Your purview. What worth is an intercessionary prayer for something so trivial? I am responsible for my own growth, it's my own failing here.
|
||||
|
||||
I never did decide whether or not I would be talking about my feelings with her while I'm out there, and I never did message Jeremy back.
|
||||
|
||||
I can tell I am just going to keep fretting around in circles if I focus any more on this. It is so easy to find some way to fractally manage expectations, to forever refine what goes into making a plan, to find ever more layers of meaning in an action, and I will (apparently) do that for hours on end, so I am going to set all of this aside and go for one last walk before bed in an attempt to wear myself out. The bus leaves early tomorrow.
|
||||
6
content/limerent-object/18b.md
Normal file
6
content/limerent-object/18b.md
Normal file
@ -0,0 +1,6 @@
|
||||
---
|
||||
---
|
||||
|
||||
It's been a few hours, and I have decided that that dream was simply the process of anxiety over the trip combined with a spike in libido. In the other, yes, I could see the layers of meaning going on there, with the ideas of possession and being shut out, but when it comes to what amounted to a sex dream with little in the way of plot or inherent meaning, I don't think there's much one can draw from it.
|
||||
|
||||
It all feels a little silly, being anxious and horny. I'm in my 30s, for goodness sake.
|
||||
22
content/limerent-object/18c.md
Normal file
22
content/limerent-object/18c.md
Normal file
@ -0,0 +1,22 @@
|
||||
---
|
||||
---
|
||||
|
||||
I have packed all I think I will need. Laptop in case of emergency appointments, books, steno pads, toiletries. I have clothes enough for a week, including my blazer and slacks for when nicer clothing is required. Kay did not specify the dress code for the concerts, but better safe than sorry. Also, perhaps we can head out to a nicer place to eat one night.
|
||||
|
||||
Here are at least some of the things I've thought of as ideas for stuff to do, so that I can at least have them written down somewhere:
|
||||
|
||||
* Concert --- Kay obviously already requested this.
|
||||
* Movie? I don't know what's out at the moment.
|
||||
* Nice dinner. Boise has to have a good place we can go.
|
||||
* Hiking. This will probably depend on whether we can find some way to get to a trail when neither of us drive. The maps shows a small nature reserve that's just on the edge of town. I imagine that will be fairly accessible.
|
||||
* Bookstore. This may be more for me than her. I do not need any more books, but that will never stop me from browsing.
|
||||
|
||||
I think that this will at least give us a good number of options, and we can play the rest by ear. Even if we wind up doing what we do on the regular, just showing each other videos or watching movies together, only co-located rather than over the 'net, I will be happy. I stand by what I wrote before, that just being together, even if that's 'being bored together', is quite enough to look forward to on its own.
|
||||
|
||||
It's weird, though. I find myself tiptoeing around these different ideas of what to do while I'm out there, thinking things like, "Is this a thing that just friends do? Is it weird for friends to suggest going to a nicer restaurant?" They are all lies. They are all protective actions. They are all me guarding my soft underbelly to keep from exposing my feelings to Kay. Of course friends go to nice restaurants together. Of course that's a thing that friends do. And even beyond that, trying to hide the fact that I desire more than friendship, at least on some level, is doing neither of us any favors.
|
||||
|
||||
I am such a coward. Lord, give me the strength to be honest for once in my life. I know that the petty request of a petty coyote is far outside Your purview. What worth is an intercessionary prayer for something so trivial? I am responsible for my own growth, it's my own failing here.
|
||||
|
||||
I never did decide whether or not I would be talking about my feelings with her while I'm out there, and I never did message Jeremy back.
|
||||
|
||||
I can tell I am just going to keep fretting around in circles if I focus any more on this. It is so easy to find some way to fractally manage expectations, to forever refine what goes into making a plan, to find ever more layers of meaning in an action, and I will (apparently) do that for hours on end, so I am going to set all of this aside and go for one last walk before bed in an attempt to wear myself out. The bus leaves early tomorrow.
|
||||
@ -31,7 +31,7 @@ She frowned all the same and put down her coffee, padding over to the window to
|
||||
|
||||
"No!" I said, realized that sounded forceful, and added, "No, sorry. Just smells like you, is all, and I feel like I got punched in the face with memories from school."
|
||||
|
||||
At that, she laughed, though she did leave the window open, a trimmer chattering beneath her window marring her scent with traces of exhaust. "Well, good ones, I hope. Still, I'm sorry it's such a mess."
|
||||
At that, she laughed, though she did leave the window open, a trimmer chattering below marring her scent with traces of exhaust. "Well, good ones, I hope. Still, I'm sorry it's such a mess."
|
||||
|
||||
"It's fine, Kay, really. Just random memories--" *Tell her, tell her, tell her,* some part of my mind was urging. It had Jeremy's voice. "--like going to concerts, or your senior recital." *Tell her!* the voice shouted, pounded on the walls, clawed at my insides, all while half-truths spilled from my lips.
|
||||
|
||||
@ -57,13 +57,13 @@ She trailed off and averted her eyes over to the kitchen, focusing on a wayward
|
||||
|
||||
She puffed out a breath and then took a long sip of her coffee. "Mm, right. I'm out of practice in being around someone as...I don't know, genuine as you."
|
||||
|
||||
It all tugged at my heartstrings, and I prayed for the bravery to reassure her. "You seem kind of jittery. Everything alright?"
|
||||
It all tugged at my heartstrings, and I prayed for the bravery to reassure her. "You seem kind of anxious. Everything alright?"
|
||||
|
||||
"Yeah, I'm just jittery, I guess. Nervous."
|
||||
|
||||
"Nervous about anything in particular?"
|
||||
|
||||
She squinted over at me, "You've gotten good at your therapist voice."
|
||||
She squinted over at me. "You've gotten good at your therapist voice."
|
||||
|
||||
I laughed.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
@ -9,7 +9,7 @@ At least, that's what I tell myself. I know better than to keep poking at a sore
|
||||
|
||||
It's weird the things that you remember, though. Just little things.
|
||||
|
||||
I remember blinking my eyes rapidly in the middle of that meeting, for some reason. It's habit I now know that I have, and once I learned of it, I noticed just how often I do it. I found myself thinking back to all of the times that I had done in it in the past, and there are a few stand out examples that stick in the mind as particularly embarrassing.[^embarrassing]
|
||||
I remember blinking my eyes rapidly in the middle of that meeting, for some reason. It's a habit I now know that I have, and once I learned of it, I noticed just how often I do it. I found myself thinking back to all of the times that I had done in it in the past, and there are a few stand out examples that stick in the mind as particularly embarrassing.[^embarrassing]
|
||||
|
||||
I remember blinking rapidly there, in the middle of that meeting, yes, and I remember Rev. Dr. Borenson leaning forward, rested his arms on his desk, and fiddling with a pencil. "Mr. Kimana?"
|
||||
|
||||
@ -63,4 +63,4 @@ I smiled, I remember. I smiled through my shame.
|
||||
|
||||
[^embarrassing]: I suspect there is some reason that such embarrassing things stick in one's own mind while slipping so easily from others'. Perhaps it is a symptom of culture, or perhaps it is simply part and parcel of existing in the world.
|
||||
|
||||
[^writing]: I write these memories like a story. It is a habit, and I do not quite know where it formed, but it has been with me since youth, to the point where teachers often suggested I major in creative writing. I did consider it, I will admit, though I know it isn't something my parents would necessarily have condoned. Whether or not the words I write here are an exact replication of the conversation that took place is neither here nor there; whether or not I am accurately remembering the emotions that took place is unimportant. I am writing for me now.
|
||||
[^writing]: I write these memories like a story. It is an occasional dalliance, and I do not quite know where it formed, but it has been with me since youth, to the point where teachers often suggested I major in creative writing. I did consider it, I will admit, though I know it isn't something my parents would necessarily have condoned. Whether or not the words I write here are an exact replication of the conversation that took place is neither here nor there; whether or not I am accurately remembering the emotions that took place is unimportant. I am writing for me now.
|
||||
|
||||
@ -7,7 +7,7 @@ I got my notebook out to see if I could finish what I started, but I couldn't. I
|
||||
|
||||
Instead, I just dived back into memories. Of that night, I remember first of all the way I cupped my fingers over the bridge of my muzzle and pulled down gently while pushing my snout up. The isometric stretch served to highlight every bit of tension within my neck, and as I held the pressure, I closed my eyes, counting the knotted muscles. Pressed, pushed, and held until I could feel the lactic acid burn deep in the tissue, and then released. With my targets thus marked, I ducked my muzzle down and slid my paws back, fingers kneading along sore spots.
|
||||
|
||||
Not for the first time, I wished that I could simply disappear within the written word. Wished that I could relinquish the very idea of physical sensation and surround myself in successive layers of scripture, commentaries, notes. Wished, most of all, that I could wrap myself in the warmth of his faith.
|
||||
Not for the first time, I wished that I could simply disappear within the written word. Wished that I could relinquish the very idea of physical sensation and surround myself in successive layers of scripture, commentaries, notes. Wished, most of all, that I could wrap myself in the warmth of my faith.
|
||||
|
||||
If, at the end of time, faith and hope are to fade, there would be a final sense of completion, but until then, my faith was a comfort.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
@ -81,7 +81,7 @@ Home was back in Sawtooth, for Saint John's would never truly be my home, and th
|
||||
|
||||
Israel, who struggled with God.
|
||||
|
||||
I envied, as I often did, the Jewish tradition, that eternal argument about who God was, what He meant, in which God was an active participant. Perhaps here, I could wrestle with Him. Tumble with my faith. Get all scuffed up.
|
||||
I envied, as I often did, the comment I had heard of the Jewish tradition about that eternal argument about who God was, what He meant, in which God was an active participant. Perhaps here, I could wrestle with Him. Tumble with my faith. Get all scuffed up.
|
||||
|
||||
But Catholicism only offered him so much leeway, and this school even less.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
@ -1,240 +1,240 @@
|
||||
---
|
||||
---
|
||||
|
||||
*7:24 PM Dee>* Been thinking.
|
||||
> *7:24 PM Dee>* Been thinking.
|
||||
|
||||
*7:26 PM Dee>* We still talk a lot, and I really like that. For having only had a little bit of time together at UI, it's nice that we've been able to keep up with each other.
|
||||
> *7:26 PM Dee>* We still talk a lot, and I really like that. For having only had a little bit of time together at UI, it's nice that we've been able to keep up with each other.
|
||||
|
||||
*7:26 PM Kay>* Yeah?
|
||||
> *7:26 PM Kay>* Yeah?
|
||||
|
||||
*7:26 PM Kay>* I mean, I like it too.
|
||||
> *7:26 PM Kay>* I mean, I like it too.
|
||||
|
||||
*7:27 PM Kay>* I only talk to you and like two classmates from that time, and one only because he's also up here in Boise.
|
||||
> *7:27 PM Kay>* I only talk to you and like two classmates from that time, and one only because he's also up here in Boise.
|
||||
|
||||
*7:27 PM Dee>* Yeah.
|
||||
> *7:27 PM Dee>* Yeah.
|
||||
|
||||
*7:28 PM Dee>* So I don't know if this is weird or not. It's not something I've ever done or
|
||||
> *7:28 PM Dee>* So I don't know if this is weird or not. It's not something I've ever done or
|
||||
|
||||
*7:28 PM Kay>* ?
|
||||
> *7:28 PM Kay>* ?
|
||||
|
||||
*7:31 PM Dee>* Not something I've ever done or really felt, but I think I really like you.
|
||||
> *7:31 PM Dee>* Not something I've ever done or really felt, but I think I really like you.
|
||||
|
||||
*7:31 PM Dee>* Know I really like you.
|
||||
> *7:31 PM Dee>* Know I really like you.
|
||||
|
||||
*7:31 PM Dee>* And goodness knows I have no idea what to do about it.
|
||||
> *7:31 PM Dee>* And goodness knows I have no idea what to do about it.
|
||||
|
||||
*7:31 PM Dee>* It's taken me weeks to even get to the point where I could say that.
|
||||
> *7:31 PM Dee>* It's taken me weeks to even get to the point where I could say that.
|
||||
|
||||
*7:32 PM Kay>* Huh...
|
||||
> *7:32 PM Kay>* Huh...
|
||||
|
||||
*7:33 PM Dee>* ???
|
||||
> *7:33 PM Dee>* ???
|
||||
|
||||
*7:34 PM Kay>* I like you too, but I'm not sure if it's in the same way?
|
||||
> *7:34 PM Kay>* I like you too, but I'm not sure if it's in the same way?
|
||||
|
||||
*7:34 PM Kay>* Assuming you mean romantically.
|
||||
> *7:34 PM Kay>* Assuming you mean romantically.
|
||||
|
||||
*7:34 PM Dee>* Yes.
|
||||
> *7:34 PM Dee>* Yes.
|
||||
|
||||
*7:35 PM Kay>* Yeah, see.
|
||||
> *7:35 PM Kay>* Yeah, see.
|
||||
|
||||
*7:35 PM Kay>* I don't know.
|
||||
> *7:35 PM Kay>* I don't know.
|
||||
|
||||
*7:35 PM Dee>* I don't either, I guess.
|
||||
> *7:35 PM Dee>* I don't either, I guess.
|
||||
|
||||
*7:37 PM Kay>* I'm really not sure how to take this conversation haha
|
||||
> *7:37 PM Kay>* I'm really not sure how to take this conversation haha
|
||||
|
||||
*7:40 PM Kay>* I hope that's not
|
||||
> *7:40 PM Kay>* I hope that's not
|
||||
|
||||
*7:40 PM Kay>* I don't know
|
||||
> *7:40 PM Kay>* I don't know
|
||||
|
||||
*7:40 PM Kay>* Painful?
|
||||
> *7:40 PM Kay>* Painful?
|
||||
|
||||
*7:45 PM Dee>* Well.
|
||||
> *7:45 PM Dee>* Well.
|
||||
|
||||
*7:45 PM Kay>* Yeah, sorry...
|
||||
> *7:45 PM Kay>* Yeah, sorry...
|
||||
|
||||
*7:45 PM Dee>* No no, I mean
|
||||
> *7:45 PM Dee>* No no, I mean
|
||||
|
||||
*7:45 PM Dee>* Well, it is, but that's not quite where I was going, hah.
|
||||
> *7:45 PM Dee>* Well, it is, but that's not quite where I was going, hah.
|
||||
|
||||
*7:46 PM Kay>* Sorry. I'll let you type.
|
||||
> *7:46 PM Kay>* Sorry. I'll let you type.
|
||||
|
||||
*7:50 PM Dee>* I don't really know what I wanted out of this conversation, to be honest. I wasn't even intending for it to be a conversation, at least right off the bat. I had a whole email written up that I was going to send you, to be perfectly nerdy about it.
|
||||
> *7:50 PM Dee>* I don't really know what I wanted out of this conversation, to be honest. I wasn't even intending for it to be a conversation, at least right off the bat. I had a whole email written up that I was going to send you, to be perfectly nerdy about it.
|
||||
|
||||
*7:54 PM Dee>* Feelings like this aren't logical. At least, they don't feel logical So I think I just wanted to say that because I don't know what to do with all of them. They just boil up within me and I just sit there and feel weird and bad but also kind of good at the same time. I just started falling for you, and kept it to myself because it felt like such an imposition to admit that to you.
|
||||
> *7:54 PM Dee>* Feelings like this aren't logical. At least, they don't feel logical So I think I just wanted to say that because I don't know what to do with all of them. They just boil up within me and I just sit there and feel weird and bad but also kind of good at the same time. I just started falling for you, and kept it to myself because it felt like such an imposition to admit that to you.
|
||||
|
||||
*7:54 PM Dee>* And I should add
|
||||
> *7:54 PM Dee>* And I should add
|
||||
|
||||
*7:55 PM Dee>* The goal is specifically NOT to do that. It wasn't to try and rope you into something you don't want to do, and I don't want to make it sound like I am trying to do so now.
|
||||
> *7:55 PM Dee>* The goal is specifically NOT to do that. It wasn't to try and rope you into something you don't want to do, and I don't want to make it sound like I am trying to do so now.
|
||||
|
||||
*7:55 PM Dee>* Guilt you into it or whatever.
|
||||
> *7:55 PM Dee>* Guilt you into it or whatever.
|
||||
|
||||
*7:56 PM Dee>* But I did want to talk about it and get it off my chest.
|
||||
> *7:56 PM Dee>* But I did want to talk about it and get it off my chest.
|
||||
|
||||
*7:57 PM Dee>* And I guess that's it.
|
||||
> *7:57 PM Dee>* And I guess that's it.
|
||||
|
||||
*7:57 PM Kay>* Alright.
|
||||
> *7:57 PM Kay>* Alright.
|
||||
|
||||
*7:58 PM Kay>* I mean, I don't think you could guilt the wings off a fly, Dee.
|
||||
> *7:58 PM Kay>* I mean, I don't think you could guilt the wings off a fly, Dee.
|
||||
|
||||
*7:58 PM Kay>* The whole Catholic thing is guilting yourself, right?
|
||||
> *7:58 PM Kay>* The whole Catholic thing is guilting yourself, right?
|
||||
|
||||
*7:59 PM Dee>* That's a bit of an uncharitable way to put it.
|
||||
> *7:59 PM Dee>* That's a bit of an uncharitable way to put it.
|
||||
|
||||
*7:59 PM Kay>* Sorry. You know I don't understand it.
|
||||
> *7:59 PM Kay>* Sorry. You know I don't understand it.
|
||||
|
||||
*7:59 PM Dee>* Yeah.
|
||||
> *7:59 PM Dee>* Yeah.
|
||||
|
||||
*8:00 PM Kay>* And that's maybe part of it.
|
||||
> *8:00 PM Kay>* And that's maybe part of it.
|
||||
|
||||
*8:00 PM Dee>* How so?
|
||||
> *8:00 PM Dee>* How so?
|
||||
|
||||
*8:01 PM Kay>* How would you feel being in a relationship with someone who doesn't believe the same stuff?
|
||||
> *8:01 PM Kay>* How would you feel being in a relationship with someone who doesn't believe the same stuff?
|
||||
|
||||
*8:01 PM Kay>* Doesn't believe ANY of it, I mean.
|
||||
> *8:01 PM Kay>* Doesn't believe ANY of it, I mean.
|
||||
|
||||
*8:01 PM Kay>* I'm not going to knock it or anything, but I'm not going to try it, either.
|
||||
> *8:01 PM Kay>* I'm not going to knock it or anything, but I'm not going to try it, either.
|
||||
|
||||
*8:02 PM Kay>* I'm sorry.
|
||||
> *8:02 PM Kay>* I'm sorry.
|
||||
|
||||
*8:02 PM Dee>* Hah.
|
||||
> *8:02 PM Dee>* Hah.
|
||||
|
||||
*8:02 PM Dee>* Sorry, that came out weird?
|
||||
> *8:02 PM Dee>* Sorry, that came out weird?
|
||||
|
||||
*8:06 PM Dee>* Seriously, though, I really don't know. This whole thing, this whole crush or whatever it is, I don't know what the end goal of it is. It's limerence, it's something that's happening to me, and I don't know what to do about it. It's this enormous feeling and you're the limerent object, and I hate that my brain is doing it.
|
||||
> *8:06 PM Dee>* Seriously, though, I really don't know. This whole thing, this whole crush or whatever it is, I don't know what the end goal of it is. It's limerence, it's something that's happening to me, and I don't know what to do about it. It's this enormous feeling and you're the limerent object, and I hate that my brain is doing it.
|
||||
|
||||
*8:07 PM Dee>* And at the same time, I really do like you, and that is something I am happy to accommodate even in the context of our friendship.
|
||||
> *8:07 PM Dee>* And at the same time, I really do like you, and that is something I am happy to accommodate even in the context of our friendship.
|
||||
|
||||
*8:07 PM Dee>* Because above all else, I'm simply happy to have you as my friend.
|
||||
> *8:07 PM Dee>* Because above all else, I'm simply happy to have you as my friend.
|
||||
|
||||
*8:07 PM Kay>* Same!
|
||||
> *8:07 PM Kay>* Same!
|
||||
|
||||
*8:09 PM Dee>* And even if a relationship isn't in our future, that's totally okay.
|
||||
> *8:09 PM Dee>* And even if a relationship isn't in our future, that's totally okay.
|
||||
|
||||
*8:10 PM Kay>* Thanks Dee <3
|
||||
> *8:10 PM Kay>* Thanks Dee <3
|
||||
|
||||
*8:10 PM Kay>* I don't know, it's weird.
|
||||
> *8:10 PM Kay>* I don't know, it's weird.
|
||||
|
||||
*8:11 PM Kay>* I kind of suspected, now that I think back on it?
|
||||
> *8:11 PM Kay>* I kind of suspected, now that I think back on it?
|
||||
|
||||
*8:11 PM Kay>* Not like you were being a weirdo.
|
||||
> *8:11 PM Kay>* Not like you were being a weirdo.
|
||||
|
||||
*8:11 PM Kay>* Or any more than usual 😺
|
||||
> *8:11 PM Kay>* Or any more than usual 😺
|
||||
|
||||
*8:13 PM Kay>* Just little things about how you acted when I was over. Nothing bad, just you had a certain distance about you, like you were being extra careful about something or guarding something. Like, every time you came over to my place and wound up sitting in my bed or something, you'd get all quiet.
|
||||
> *8:13 PM Kay>* Just little things about how you acted when I was over. Nothing bad, just you had a certain distance about you, like you were being extra careful about something or guarding something. Like, every time you came over to my place and wound up sitting in my bed or something, you'd get all quiet.
|
||||
|
||||
*8:13 PM Kay>* I realize after the fact that that was probably super weird for you. Sorry about that.
|
||||
> *8:13 PM Kay>* I realize after the fact that that was probably super weird for you. Sorry about that.
|
||||
|
||||
*8:14 PM Dee>* Oh, are you saying I was more awkward than usual? Shock and surprise!
|
||||
> *8:14 PM Dee>* Oh, are you saying I was more awkward than usual? Shock and surprise!
|
||||
|
||||
*8:14 PM Kay>* Haha
|
||||
> *8:14 PM Kay>* Haha
|
||||
|
||||
*8:17 PM Dee>* It was weird, but please don't put that on you. I just...yeah, I was fighting with my emotions at the time, and huddling on your bed where literally all I could smell was you and with you being the sole focus of my attention, it was...well.
|
||||
> *8:17 PM Dee>* It was weird, but please don't put that on you. I just...yeah, I was fighting with my emotions at the time, and huddling on your bed where literally all I could smell was you and with you being the sole focus of my attention, it was...well.
|
||||
|
||||
*8:18 PM Dee>* Intense, I guess.
|
||||
> *8:18 PM Dee>* Intense, I guess.
|
||||
|
||||
*8:18 PM Kay>* I bet.
|
||||
> *8:18 PM Kay>* I bet.
|
||||
|
||||
*8:18 PM Kay>* Still, I'm sorry, Dee.
|
||||
> *8:18 PM Kay>* Still, I'm sorry, Dee.
|
||||
|
||||
*8:19 PM Kay>* I won't say my 'no' is absolute and forever, I can't predict that, but it is a 'no' for now.
|
||||
> *8:19 PM Kay>* I won't say my 'no' is absolute and forever, I can't predict that, but it is a 'no' for now.
|
||||
|
||||
*8:19 PM Dee>* Thanks, Kay.
|
||||
> *8:19 PM Dee>* Thanks, Kay.
|
||||
|
||||
*8:20 PM Dee>* For being so open about it, I mean.
|
||||
> *8:20 PM Dee>* For being so open about it, I mean.
|
||||
|
||||
*8:20 PM Dee>* And honest, I guess.
|
||||
> *8:20 PM Dee>* And honest, I guess.
|
||||
|
||||
*8:21 PM Dee>* Uh...and to continue being awkward for at least a moment longer, are you okay remaining friends?
|
||||
> *8:21 PM Dee>* Uh...and to continue being awkward for at least a moment longer, are you okay remaining friends?
|
||||
|
||||
*8:21 PM Kay>* Dee I swear to god
|
||||
> *8:21 PM Kay>* Dee I swear to god
|
||||
|
||||
*8:22 PM Kay>* If you did anything to make me not want to be your friend any longer a) you would know it because I would kick your ass and b) I'd go fucking nuts because I wasn't kidding about you being just about the only friend I have that I can talk to.
|
||||
> *8:22 PM Kay>* If you did anything to make me not want to be your friend any longer a) you would know it because I would kick your ass and b) I'd go fucking nuts because I wasn't kidding about you being just about the only friend I have that I can talk to.
|
||||
|
||||
*8:22 PM Kay>* We're friends, okay? If a friendship can't take a challenge, what even is it, then? :P
|
||||
> *8:22 PM Kay>* We're friends, okay? If a friendship can't take a challenge, what even is it, then? :P
|
||||
|
||||
*8:23 PM Dee>* Haha. Well, good. I'm not keen on getting my ass kicked, and ditto. I'd rather have my nails pulled out that lose you as a friend.
|
||||
> *8:23 PM Dee>* Haha. Well, good. I'm not keen on getting my ass kicked, and ditto. I'd rather have my nails pulled out that lose you as a friend.
|
||||
|
||||
*8:23 PM Kay>* Gross
|
||||
> *8:23 PM Kay>* Gross
|
||||
|
||||
*8:23 PM Kay>* 😺
|
||||
> *8:23 PM Kay>* 😺
|
||||
|
||||
*8:25 PM Dee>* It feels surprisingly good to get that out.
|
||||
> *8:25 PM Dee>* It feels surprisingly good to get that out.
|
||||
|
||||
*8:25 PM Kay>* Even if it isn't the outcome you wanted?
|
||||
> *8:25 PM Kay>* Even if it isn't the outcome you wanted?
|
||||
|
||||
*8:26 PM Dee>* It's weird.
|
||||
> *8:26 PM Dee>* It's weird.
|
||||
|
||||
*8:27 PM Dee>* I'm not sure what outcome it is that I really wanted.
|
||||
> *8:27 PM Dee>* I'm not sure what outcome it is that I really wanted.
|
||||
|
||||
*8:29 PM Dee>* I mean, not gonna lie, if we'd wound up going out or whatever, that would've been nice! But I don't think that was ACTUALLY my goal. I think I really just wanted to get it off my chest. I wanted to not be holding it in and feeling like an idiot any longer.
|
||||
> *8:29 PM Dee>* I mean, not gonna lie, if we'd wound up going out or whatever, that would've been nice! But I don't think that was ACTUALLY my goal. I think I really just wanted to get it off my chest. I wanted to not be holding it in and feeling like an idiot any longer.
|
||||
|
||||
*8:29 PM Kay>* I bet!
|
||||
> *8:29 PM Kay>* I bet!
|
||||
|
||||
*8:30 PM Kay>* How long has it been, anyway?
|
||||
> *8:30 PM Kay>* How long has it been, anyway?
|
||||
|
||||
*8:31 PM Kay>* Shit. If you don't mind me asking, that is. I don't want to draw it out if this is just continuing to hurt you or anything 😿
|
||||
> *8:31 PM Kay>* Shit. If you don't mind me asking, that is. I don't want to draw it out if this is just continuing to hurt you or anything 😿
|
||||
|
||||
*8:32 PM Dee>* No, it's okay! It's made me a weird, giggly mess for some reason because apparently I'm still twelve, admitting that I have a crush, but it's good to talk about.
|
||||
> *8:32 PM Dee>* No, it's okay! It's made me a weird, giggly mess for some reason because apparently I'm still twelve, admitting that I have a crush, but it's good to talk about.
|
||||
|
||||
*8:32 PM Dee>* Way better than an email would have been, yikes.
|
||||
> *8:32 PM Dee>* Way better than an email would have been, yikes.
|
||||
|
||||
*8:32 PM Dee>* But it's been about six months? A bit longer?
|
||||
> *8:32 PM Dee>* But it's been about six months? A bit longer?
|
||||
|
||||
*8:33 PM Kay>* Can I just say that you writing up a whole-ass email to tell me that you like me is the most Dee possible thing that I can think of?
|
||||
> *8:33 PM Kay>* Can I just say that you writing up a whole-ass email to tell me that you like me is the most Dee possible thing that I can think of?
|
||||
|
||||
*8:33 PM Dee>* Listen.
|
||||
> *8:33 PM Dee>* Listen.
|
||||
|
||||
*8:33 PM Dee>* I set up an archetype for myself and have no choice but to live up to it.
|
||||
> *8:33 PM Dee>* I set up an archetype for myself and have no choice but to live up to it.
|
||||
|
||||
*8:33 PM Kay>* Nerd
|
||||
> *8:33 PM Kay>* Nerd
|
||||
|
||||
*8:35 PM Kay>* What was even in the email?
|
||||
> *8:35 PM Kay>* What was even in the email?
|
||||
|
||||
*8:35 PM Dee>* I still have it in drafts. Want me to just send it?
|
||||
> *8:35 PM Dee>* I still have it in drafts. Want me to just send it?
|
||||
|
||||
*8:35 PM Kay>* Sure
|
||||
> *8:35 PM Kay>* Sure
|
||||
|
||||
*8:43 PM Kay>* Oh Dee
|
||||
> *8:43 PM Kay>* Oh Dee
|
||||
|
||||
*8:43 PM Kay>* This is incredibly sweet, jesus
|
||||
> *8:43 PM Kay>* This is incredibly sweet, jesus
|
||||
|
||||
*8:43 PM Kay>* fuck haha
|
||||
> *8:43 PM Kay>* fuck haha
|
||||
|
||||
*8:43 PM Kay>* got me all sniffly
|
||||
> *8:43 PM Kay>* got me all sniffly
|
||||
|
||||
*8:44 PM Kay>* You're still a total nerd
|
||||
> *8:44 PM Kay>* You're still a total nerd
|
||||
|
||||
*8:45 PM Kay>* But whoever you wind up with is gonna be the luckiest gal out there
|
||||
> *8:45 PM Kay>* But whoever you wind up with is gonna be the luckiest gal out there
|
||||
|
||||
*8:45 PM Kay>* Man, I'm sorry
|
||||
> *8:45 PM Kay>* Man, I'm sorry
|
||||
|
||||
*8:46 PM Dee>* ??
|
||||
> *8:46 PM Dee>* ??
|
||||
|
||||
*8:47 PM Kay>* I feel like I'm teasing you by saying that 😿
|
||||
> *8:47 PM Kay>* I feel like I'm teasing you by saying that 😿
|
||||
|
||||
*8:47 PM Dee>* I don't feel teased.
|
||||
> *8:47 PM Dee>* I don't feel teased.
|
||||
|
||||
*8:48 PM Dee>* A bit...bashful, maybe?
|
||||
> *8:48 PM Dee>* A bit...bashful, maybe?
|
||||
|
||||
*8:48 PM Dee>* And I'm not going to lie that hearing that makes me a little bit hopeful for the future, but I stand by what I said that I'm alright with your answer, and am happy to have you as a friend.
|
||||
> *8:48 PM Dee>* And I'm not going to lie that hearing that makes me a little bit hopeful for the future, but I stand by what I said that I'm alright with your answer, and am happy to have you as a friend.
|
||||
|
||||
*8:49 PM Kay>* Uh
|
||||
> *8:49 PM Kay>* Uh
|
||||
|
||||
*8:49 PM Kay>* Yeah, I don't know
|
||||
> *8:49 PM Kay>* Yeah, I don't know
|
||||
|
||||
*8:49 PM Kay>* Let's talk about it in the future sometime, then? Because yeah, like
|
||||
> *8:49 PM Kay>* Let's talk about it in the future sometime, then? Because yeah, like
|
||||
|
||||
*8:50 PM Kay>* Maybe we could make it work?
|
||||
> *8:50 PM Kay>* Maybe we could make it work?
|
||||
|
||||
*8:51 PM Kay>* But just not right now
|
||||
> *8:51 PM Kay>* But just not right now
|
||||
|
||||
*8:51 PM Kay>* I can picture it in my mind, and you're cute and sweet and we have fun, but I guess I just can't say yes right now.
|
||||
> *8:51 PM Kay>* I can picture it in my mind, and you're cute and sweet and we have fun, but I guess I just can't say yes right now.
|
||||
|
||||
*8:52 PM Dee>* For the future, then.
|
||||
> *8:52 PM Dee>* For the future, then.
|
||||
|
||||
*8:52 PM Dee>* For now, I'm gonna go order some food. Not to put an artificial stopper in this, but maybe we can just chill with a movie or something after?
|
||||
> *8:52 PM Dee>* For now, I'm gonna go order some food. Not to put an artificial stopper in this, but maybe we can just chill with a movie or something after?
|
||||
|
||||
*8:53 PM Kay>* Yeah, sounds good 😺 Sci-fi bullshit?
|
||||
> *8:53 PM Kay>* Yeah, sounds good 😺 Sci-fi bullshit?
|
||||
|
||||
*8:53 PM Dee>* Oh, definitely sci-fi bullshit.
|
||||
> *8:53 PM Dee>* Oh, definitely sci-fi bullshit.
|
||||
|
||||
@ -35,7 +35,7 @@ Oh, and should we have children, would they be raised Catholic? Would they be ba
|
||||
|
||||
I can see it being acceptable, but I can also see it being an awful lot of work for the both of us.
|
||||
|
||||
Where are the compromises? Where are the fights? Where are we twenty, thirty, forty years down the line? Do we make it twenty, thirty, forty years? Are we so fit for each other than we can manage that?
|
||||
Where are the compromises? Where are the fights? Where are we twenty, thirty, forty years down the line? Do we make it twenty, thirty, forty years? Are we so fit for each other that we can manage that?
|
||||
|
||||
Before, when limerence filled me to overflowing, I imagined in dreamy yeses and delicate physicality. Now that that has faded and left something else in its place, I imagine in questions. I imagine in what-ifs and is-it-actuallys.
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
@ -25,7 +25,7 @@ It was my turn to laugh. "Right, right, okay. I'll keep it up, then."
|
||||
|
||||
"And hey, you can pull a lot of your thoughts on discernment and such out into a book or hell, clean these up and turn them into a memoir. It's not like this stuff is useful to only you."
|
||||
|
||||
That's been lingering with me, but I remain unsure. I could, yes, and maybe it would provide some sort of entertainment, but that would mean going through and editing everything up. Even just the process of transferring notes from paper to computer so that I could email them to Jeremy had been rough enough, being confronted by that Dee of a few months back, struggling with the most basic language of actually liking someone.
|
||||
That's been lingering with me, but I remain unsure. I could, yes, and maybe it would provide some sort of entertainment, but that would mean going through and editing everything up[^footnotes]. Even just the process of transferring notes from paper to computer so that I could email them to Jeremy had been rough enough, being confronted by that Dee of a few months back, struggling with the most basic language of actually liking someone.
|
||||
|
||||
I do agree with the first point that Jeremy made, though. I really ought to keep journaling. It's good for me, and I don't think I could ever really stop, after going through this.
|
||||
|
||||
@ -38,3 +38,5 @@ As the next step of my *spiritual* discernment, I have reached out to the parish
|
||||
All these things are part of the work, though. Work is part of life, and life goes on. I still see my clients. I still watch videos and talk about my days with Kay. I still go to mass. I still think about the past year when I write. I still get rides out to the edge of Sawtooth or over to a trail head and walk until my feet ache and I am gasping in the pine-scented, dusty air.
|
||||
|
||||
And still I talk with God.
|
||||
|
||||
[^footnotes]: I already felt compelled to add all of these footnotes, after all.
|
||||
|
||||
Reference in New Issue
Block a user