Marsh

marsh/content/018.tex

@@ -14,7 +14,7 @@ As the play drew up to the climax, as the attacker was convicted and condemned t
 
 We were once more dropped into utter blackness, treated to nearly five minutes more of wails and screeches, giggles and sobs, laughter and half-words, all slowly fading to silence.
 
-The analogy was clear --- almost ham fisted --- and it left my stomach churning. It left a lump in my throat and a hotness on my face. It left me sobbing. Me and so many others in the audience, from what I saw when the lights came back up. Each seat had a cone of silence above it, preventing me from hearing anyone else. Beside me, Dry Grass had started crying from the beginning and hadn't lifted her head from her arms folded on the small table before us throughout the entire performance.
+The analogy was clear—almost ham fisted—and it left my stomach churning. It left a lump in my throat and a hotness on my face. It left me sobbing. Me and so many others in the audience, from what I saw when the lights came back up. Each seat had a cone of silence above it, preventing me from hearing anyone else. Beside me, Dry Grass had started crying from the beginning and hadn't lifted her head from her arms folded on the small table before us throughout the entire performance.
 
 The auditorium, full at the start, was half-empty by the end, so many of the audience members having left in disgust or pain.
 
@@ -40,7 +40,7 @@ Dry Grass took the chance to wipe her face with a napkin swiped from the table.
 
 ``You would have hated the original! Ioan wrote it so that the body was supposed to stay on the stage instead of just the blood. When I said I wanted the part, ey changed it to be just the blood so there was not just a kid's body laying on stage, even though it took some creative work with gravity.''
 
-I glanced back to the stage, realizing that it was actually canted toward the audience by about fifteen degrees. Enough that we could clearly see the surface of the stage --- back to a blissfully clean matte black instead of the blood-stained parquet that had been there before --- without it being so unnerving as to make us feel like we were going to fall towards it, or that the actors were going to fall into the audience.
+I glanced back to the stage, realizing that it was actually canted toward the audience by about fifteen degrees. Enough that we could clearly see the surface of the stage—back to a blissfully clean matte black instead of the blood-stained parquet that had been there before—without it being so unnerving as to make us feel like we were going to fall towards it, or that the actors were going to fall into the audience.
 
 ``You are right,'' Dry Grass was saying, straightening out Motes's shirt and overalls, both of which were thoroughly stained with paint. ``I would have hated that even more. I did not even see the rest of the play, skunklet. I put my head down and turned down my hearing.''
 
@@ -50,7 +50,7 @@ I glanced back to the stage, realizing that it was actually canted toward the au
 
 ``No, I will read it on my own at some point when I am calmer.'' Dry Grass nodded toward the stage. ``But look, A Finger Pointing and Beholden.''
 
-The two Odists --- one tall, slender, and human, the other a shorter, softer skunk --- made their way far more sedately toward our table. They walked arm in arm, leaning affectionately against each other, each carrying a drink in their free hand and paw.
+The two Odists—one tall, slender, and human, the other a shorter, softer skunk—made their way far more sedately toward our table. They walked arm in arm, leaning affectionately against each other, each carrying a drink in their free hand and paw.
 
 ``Reed!'' A Finger Pointing began, reaching out with one arm to offer me a hug. ``I am pleased you made it.'' She glanced at Dry Grass with a rueful smile. ``I hope we did not traumatize you \emph{too} much.
 
@@ -90,14 +90,14 @@ I laughed, nodded.
 
 A Finger Pointing leaned down to her Motes's ear. ``My dear, could you--?'' she cooed. The little skunk leaned up, dotted her nose affectionately to her cheek, and then quit. ``Please, Reed; I am \emph{intensely} curious what they have to say about all this.''
 
-Beholden seemed focused on brushing out Motes' mane --- perhaps a little more than could be expected, as though working to distract herself --- though she nodded all the same.
+Beholden seemed focused on brushing out Motes' mane—perhaps a little more than could be expected, as though working to distract herself—though she nodded all the same.
 
 ``Alright, thanks. I'll just read it to you, it's fairly short.'' Feeling a little silly just staring off into space to read, I summoned up the letter on a sheet of paper and began to read.
 
 \begin{quote}
 Reed,
 
-Words cannot express how glad I am to hear from you! Over the last few weeks, we've heard that they were finally on track to start bringing Lagrange back online, and then we finally got the notice that the System had finally come back up and that they'd gotten the non-recoverable losses down to 1\%. We had a small party here with all the Marshans here --- there's a new one, by the way, Hyacinth. They'll write you their own letter.
+Words cannot express how glad I am to hear from you! Over the last few weeks, we've heard that they were finally on track to start bringing Lagrange back online, and then we finally got the notice that the System had finally come back up and that they'd gotten the non-recoverable losses down to 1\%. We had a small party here with all the Marshans here—there's a new one, by the way, Hyacinth. They'll write you their own letter.
 
 We weren't the only ones, either. Every one of us was invited to no less than three other parties celebrating the news. You may be out of reach for those of us on the launches, but we do still love you all, and deeply. Thinking we'd lost you for good was one hell of a way to prove that to ourselves.
 
@@ -105,7 +105,7 @@ Over the next week, we started to hear from more and more people as news of thei
 
 Our anxiety began to grow without hearing from you. We knew you were busy, at least: news of Sedge working as hard as she was reached even us in those first days. Still, I wish you'd written sooner.
 
-To finally get a letter that said that I was dead, however, made me feel in a way I can't even begin to describe. I was sad, because of course I was --- someone I knew and talked with with some regularity was now dead. I was stunned, because of course I was --- the disaster was now very immediate and real, affecting my own clade.
+To finally get a letter that said that I was dead, however, made me feel in a way I can't even begin to describe. I was sad, because of course I was—someone I knew and talked with with some regularity was now dead. I was stunned, because of course I was—the disaster was now very immediate and real, affecting my own clade.
 
 But what am I to do with the knowledge that it was specifically \emph{me} that was dead? You live on, as do Lily and Cress, Rush and Sedge and Tule, but the root of your clade is now gone. You're now six instead of seven. You're now a clade without a root instance. \emph{We're} a clade without a root instance. I exist, sure, as does Marsh\#Pollux, but our down-tree doesn't. We came from them, didn't we?
 
@@ -122,7 +122,7 @@ Marsh\#Castor
 
 When I finished reading, our little crowd sat in silence, each thinking their own thoughts.
 
-My eyes were drawn to A Finger Pointing, to the pensive tapping-together of her fingertips. ``I have been looking forward to the opportunity to speak with you about just that, Reed. About this cross-tree merge, I mean. About Anubias.'' She glanced at Beholden, who nodded, though her own gaze remained distant, then went on. ``We, too, are without our root instance. We are without our Michelle Hadje, she who became ten, who became --- nominally --- one hundred.''
+My eyes were drawn to A Finger Pointing, to the pensive tapping-together of her fingertips. ``I have been looking forward to the opportunity to speak with you about just that, Reed. About this cross-tree merge, I mean. About Anubias.'' She glanced at Beholden, who nodded, though her own gaze remained distant, then went on. ``We, too, are without our root instance. We are without our Michelle Hadje, she who became ten, who became—nominally—one hundred.''
 
 Dry Grass carefully nudged Motes out of her lap so that she could straighten out her blouse. The little skunk bubbled up with the instance in Beholden's lap; letting her up-tree quit so that she could merge, then taking her place.
 
@@ -130,7 +130,7 @@ Dry Grass carefully nudged Motes out of her lap so that she could straighten out
 
 I looked down at the paper, just as I had done for much of the day already.
 
-``I would like to hear how you feel, too, Reed,'' Dry Grass said. ``We all have our thoughts on the matter --- we are Odists, of \emph{course} we do --- I am sure, but before we taint yours, tell us how you feel.''
+``I would like to hear how you feel, too, Reed,'' Dry Grass said. ``We all have our thoughts on the matter—we are Odists, of \emph{course} we do—I am sure, but before we taint yours, tell us how you feel.''
 
 I sighed, eventually folding up the letter and returning it to my pocket. The physicality of it made it feel more real, focused my mind in one particular spot. Getting it out of my hands gave me, somehow, permission to look up and speak directly to the others.
 
@@ -150,7 +150,7 @@ She sniffed, sighed, then went on. ``--in Death Itself and I Do Not Know, but al
 
 Motes drew her legs up onto the chair with her and buried her face in her arms.
 
-``I never did keep that final merge,'' Beholden said quietly. ``It was too much, too fast, too soon. It was all far too close to the Century Attack, and it was so much time in one merge that I was worried I would lose who I was. \emph{This} me --- the one that loves Boss--'' She nodded over to A Finger Pointing. The affectionate hypocorism got her a smirk in return. ``--and Motes in the way I do --- would not exist anymore. Not quite.''
+``I never did keep that final merge,'' Beholden said quietly. ``It was too much, too fast, too soon. It was all far too close to the Century Attack, and it was so much time in one merge that I was worried I would lose who I was. \emph{This} me—the one that loves Boss--'' She nodded over to A Finger Pointing. The affectionate hypocorism got her a smirk in return. ``--and Motes in the way I do—would not exist anymore. Not quite.''
 
 There was a quiet whimper from the smaller skunk in her lap, which gained her a kiss atop the head from her guardian.
 
@@ -160,13 +160,13 @@ There was a quiet whimper from the smaller skunk in her lap, which gained her a
 
 Beholden rolled her eyes, but the hidden smile there was genuine. This was, it seemed, a particular discussion that had lost much of its sting. ``She quit and left behind only memories, I mean to say. It is all we had when people died back phys-side, and it is all we have here, now, cases such as these.''
 
-``I do not \emph{like} it,'' Beholden added with a bitter chuckle. ``I think I actually \emph{hate} it, that she could do that --- that \emph{any} of them could do that. One more thing to be anxious about after months and months of anxiety.''
+``I do not \emph{like} it,'' Beholden added with a bitter chuckle. ``I think I actually \emph{hate} it, that she could do that—that \emph{any} of them could do that. One more thing to be anxious about after months and months of anxiety.''
 
 A Finger Pointing watched Dry Grass carefully while Beholden spoke, turning her gaze on me only after some silence lingered between us. ``I do not believe this premonition, of course, that we are doomed to quit, but you can see how it affects each of us. There is enough death in our clade to make us wonder, yes?''
 
 Dry Grass nodded, perhaps a bit warily.
 
-She spent a moment doting on Beholden before straightening up, brushing out her blouse with a sigh. ``There is, perhaps, some of my longing for Dear in this --- it is the instance artist of our clade, now no longer on Lagrange, and instance artistry has held my interest since I met it --- but I have been gradually reaching out to each of my cocladists in the hopes of creating a synthesis of our clade --- our own Anubias, if you will --- named Ashes Denote That Fire Was. We both have our beloved naming schemes, yes?''
+She spent a moment doting on Beholden before straightening up, brushing out her blouse with a sigh. ``There is, perhaps, some of my longing for Dear in this—it is the instance artist of our clade, now no longer on Lagrange, and instance artistry has held my interest since I met it—but I have been gradually reaching out to each of my cocladists in the hopes of creating a synthesis of our clade—our own Anubias, if you will—named Ashes Denote That Fire Was. We both have our beloved naming schemes, yes?''
 
 I laughed, nodded.
 
@@ -178,23 +178,23 @@ Motes lifted her head and, despite the tear-tracks in the fur on her cheeks, smi
 
 ``For a bit, kiddo,'' she said, laughing.
 
-``I do not know that we will resolve disputes so dire as that with a mediating instance,'' A Finger Pointing said with a soft chuckle. ``Although I have occasionally done such within the fifth stanza --- even before this business with cross-tree merging --- what I am really interested in is how it might give us a more complete picture of the Ode clade at large. We have occasionally been accused of idolatry, of placing the \emph{idea} of the clade above the community that it comprises, but now I think our community is all but dead, and in desperate need of some unifying identity lest we ever remain shattered.''
+``I do not know that we will resolve disputes so dire as that with a mediating instance,'' A Finger Pointing said with a soft chuckle. ``Although I have occasionally done such within the fifth stanza—even before this business with cross-tree merging—what I am really interested in is how it might give us a more complete picture of the Ode clade at large. We have occasionally been accused of idolatry, of placing the \emph{idea} of the clade above the community that it comprises, but now I think our community is all but dead, and in desperate need of some unifying identity lest we ever remain shattered.''
 
-Dry Grass smiled wryly. ``I was surprised at just how willing Hammered Silver was. She cut off three entire stanzas --- and, briefly, me --- and I expected that would mean that she would be rather opposed to the idea. I am curious to see how that goes, in the end.'' Turning to me, she continued, grinning, ``But you also dealt with that with Lily, yes? You punched her, even.''
+Dry Grass smiled wryly. ``I was surprised at just how willing Hammered Silver was. She cut off three entire stanzas—and, briefly, me—and I expected that would mean that she would be rather opposed to the idea. I am curious to see how that goes, in the end.'' Turning to me, she continued, grinning, ``But you also dealt with that with Lily, yes? You punched her, even.''
 
 A Finger Pointing looked wide-eyed at me, leaning back. ``Reed?''
 
 I laughed, sheepish. ``It was hardly a punch! I slapped her in the heat of an argument. Don't worry, I got that and more from Vos,'' I said, shaking my head. ``I still feel awful about that. It's\ldots well, not really something I thought I had in me. Everything was just so stressful around then. It was less than a week after the attack.''
 
-My words didn't seem to reach her, or perhaps they weren't convincing enough. She looked warily to Dry Grass, then back to me. ``Grief in the wake of the Century Attack has caused a great deal of pain; and it did not stop with the loss of our loved ones on New Year's Eve, did it? Muse quit a week later out of despair --- her and so many others in her position --- and now I learn the Marshans and their beloved are \emph{hitting} each other!''
+My words didn't seem to reach her, or perhaps they weren't convincing enough. She looked warily to Dry Grass, then back to me. ``Grief in the wake of the Century Attack has caused a great deal of pain; and it did not stop with the loss of our loved ones on New Year's Eve, did it? Muse quit a week later out of despair—her and so many others in her position—and now I learn the Marshans and their beloved are \emph{hitting} each other!''
 
-Any lingering mirth I felt quickly died. What had since turned to a source of humor between me and Lily --- at least on the occasions we \emph{did} talk --- was suddenly brought into contrast with the rest of our lives. ``No, you bring up a good point. I stand by the fact that it felt awful at the time, and it stung for a long while after. I don't see myself as a violent person, but clearly I have it in me. Vos remains no-contact, so I can't guess how she feels, but she didn't seem the type to lean on violence, either.''
+Any lingering mirth I felt quickly died. What had since turned to a source of humor between me and Lily—at least on the occasions we \emph{did} talk—was suddenly brought into contrast with the rest of our lives. ``No, you bring up a good point. I stand by the fact that it felt awful at the time, and it stung for a long while after. I don't see myself as a violent person, but clearly I have it in me. Vos remains no-contact, so I can't guess how she feels, but she didn't seem the type to lean on violence, either.''
 
 Dry Grass, looking between her cocladist and I with an expression more of curiosity than anxiety, said, ``You do not strike me as violent either, but it does have me wondering just how much that remains after the fact.''
 
-``I should hope he does not strike you at all!'' A Finger Pointing quipped. She looked to me with a disarming smile, and I felt at once the dialectic couched within her words. This fighting --- though unconscionable --- was no isolated event; more than one of my friends had similarly lashed out, and the feeds were filled with cladists hunting for therapists.
+``I should hope he does not strike you at all!'' A Finger Pointing quipped. She looked to me with a disarming smile, and I felt at once the dialectic couched within her words. This fighting—though unconscionable—was no isolated event; more than one of my friends had similarly lashed out, and the feeds were filled with cladists hunting for therapists.
 
-I snorted. ``I have not, nor do I plan to. It has me watching my actions like a hawk, and while I'm sure the anxiety over the fact that I'm capable of such things will fade, I doubt I'll ever forget about it --- really, truly forget: it'll stay in the forefront of my mind whenever strong feelings come up.''
+I snorted. ``I have not, nor do I plan to. It has me watching my actions like a hawk, and while I'm sure the anxiety over the fact that I'm capable of such things will fade, I doubt I'll ever forget about it—really, truly forget: it'll stay in the forefront of my mind whenever strong feelings come up.''
 
 Dry Grass nodded. ``I would not want you to remain in anxiety, of course, but I am pleased to hear that it is something you are cognizant of.''
 
@@ -208,7 +208,7 @@ Beholden smirked. ``I know Slow Hours and I have had our spats from time to time
 
 ``--\emph{often}, so the cross-tree merging has given us another tool to mediate.'' She rolled her eyes, adding, ``\emph{When} we decide to actually use it.''
 
-``Well, huh,'' I said, sitting back in my chair, arms crossed. ``I hadn't actually made that connection --- that cross-tree merging could be a deliberate form of mediation rather than some accident of Anubias.''
+``Well, huh,'' I said, sitting back in my chair, arms crossed. ``I hadn't actually made that connection—that cross-tree merging could be a deliberate form of mediation rather than some accident of Anubias.''
 
 ``You would have to commit, yes? The both of you would.''
 
@@ -224,9 +224,9 @@ A Finger Pointing tilts her head at Beholden. ``You want to kick Ioan's ass for
 
 ``I want to kick eir ass just in general,'' she said primly. ``It just seems like it might be fun.''
 
-``Oh, it \emph{is},'' she mused, before turning her gaze on me once more. ``So let that be my request to you, Reed. I want you and Lily to talk about this, to consult with Anubias, and to tell me how that goes. I am sure Dear would have a heyday if it were here to explore cross-tree merging, but seeing as it went the Ansible --- I am \emph{very} much stealing that turn of phrase --- I think I would like to collaborate with you three on this new form of reclamation.''
+``Oh, it \emph{is},'' she mused, before turning her gaze on me once more. ``So let that be my request to you, Reed. I want you and Lily to talk about this, to consult with Anubias, and to tell me how that goes. I am sure Dear would have a heyday if it were here to explore cross-tree merging, but seeing as it went the Ansible—I am \emph{very} much stealing that turn of phrase—I think I would like to collaborate with you three on this new form of reclamation.''
 
-With that, we fell into, at first, silence, and then comfortable chatter about the small things. Drinks were summoned --- warmer and more comforting --- while Motes slipped out of Beholden's lap and dreamed up some chalk to start drawing on the black-painted-concrete floor, an image I recognized as the dandelion-ridden field where I met the Ode clade that first morning after the attack, so long ago and yet also so recently. Dry Grass and I cozied up together, as did Beholden and A Finger Pointing.
+With that, we fell into, at first, silence, and then comfortable chatter about the small things. Drinks were summoned—warmer and more comforting—while Motes slipped out of Beholden's lap and dreamed up some chalk to start drawing on the black-painted-concrete floor, an image I recognized as the dandelion-ridden field where I met the Ode clade that first morning after the attack, so long ago and yet also so recently. Dry Grass and I cozied up together, as did Beholden and A Finger Pointing.
 
 It was, I decided, our own reclamation, just the five of us. The stress of the play was behind us. The stress of the Century Attack could be set aside. For tonight, we were here together, with all our love and affection. For tonight, Motes could doodle on the floor of the auditorium without a care, Dry Grass could tease me about my tickly stubble when I kissed her cheek, and Beholden and A Finger Pointing could exchange looks of devotion of an intensity I rarely saw.