diff --git a/mitzvot/book.pdf b/mitzvot/book.pdf new file mode 100644 index 0000000..ee71b56 Binary files /dev/null and b/mitzvot/book.pdf differ diff --git a/mitzvot/book.tex b/mitzvot/book.tex index 3474b45..2d42e27 100644 --- a/mitzvot/book.tex +++ b/mitzvot/book.tex @@ -98,15 +98,15 @@ From \emph{Ode} by Sasha \vfill - \input{content/001} - %\input{content/002-illust} - \input{content/002} \input{content/003} + %\input{content/002-illust} \input{content/004} \input{content/005} \input{content/006} \input{content/007} \input{content/008} + \input{content/009} + \input{content/010} \part{Conflict} \begin{quote}\itshape @@ -120,15 +120,15 @@ From \emph{Ode} by Sasha \vfill - \input{content/009} - \input{content/010} - \input{content/011} \input{content/012} \input{content/013} \input{content/014} \input{content/015} \input{content/016} \input{content/017} + \input{content/018} + \input{content/019} + \input{content/020} \part{Apprehension} \begin{quote}\itshape @@ -142,10 +142,6 @@ From \emph{Ode} by Sasha \vfill - \input{content/018} - \input{content/019} - \input{content/020} - \input{content/021} \input{content/022} \input{content/023} \input{content/024} @@ -153,6 +149,10 @@ \input{content/026} \input{content/027} \input{content/028} + \input{content/029} + \input{content/030} + \input{content/031} + \input{content/033} \part{Reconciliation} \begin{quote}\itshape @@ -169,15 +169,15 @@ \vfill %\input{content/029-illust} - \input{content/029} - \input{content/030} - \input{content/031} - \input{content/032} - \input{content/033} - \input{content/034} \input{content/035} \input{content/036} \input{content/037} + \input{content/038} + \input{content/039} + \input{content/040} + \input{content/041} + \input{content/042} + \input{content/043} \cleardoublepage \thispagestyle{empty} @@ -250,9 +250,7 @@ \newpage \input{content/letters/019} \newpage - %\input{content/letters/020} - %\newpage - \input{content/letters/021} + \input{content/letters/020} \backmatter diff --git a/mitzvot/content/003.tex b/mitzvot/content/003.tex index 5e176ae..8b88609 100644 --- a/mitzvot/content/003.tex +++ b/mitzvot/content/003.tex @@ -1,183 +1,269 @@ -\begin{center}\rule{0.5\linewidth}{0.5pt}\end{center} +\hypertarget{ioan-bux103lan-2349}{% +\chapter{Ioan Bălan — 2349}\label{ioan-bux103lan-2349}} +\markboth{Ioan Bălan — 2349}{} -Ioan pulled together a stack of eir notes and, with a little concentration and a gesture, moved them over to a once-blank notebook, the pages now filled with eir scratchy shorthand. To this was added one of eir nicer pens, clipped to the cover, and a few slips of foolscap besides. +\emph{How has this become my life?} Ioan thought—as ey always did—when stepping away from home to the now familiar café. -Tucking those under eir arm, ey walked over to May's desk and bent down to give the skunk a kiss atop her head, right between her ears. ``I'm heading out. No messing with my pens, okay?'' +May had—as she always did—dotted her nose against eir cheek, licked over eir nose a little too wetly, and said, ``Good luck, have fun, and do not die,'' and then ey stepped from home to arrive in front of the squat wood paneled coffee shop. The same sign proclaiming ``Open 24 hours'' fading in the sun. The same chipper baristas. The same sparklingly clean espresso machine. The same couch in the corner. -Rather than the usual `do not die' joke, she turned on her stool, looped her arms up around eir shoulders, and pressed her nose to eirs. ``You will be okay, yes?'' +The same thing, month after month: step into the coffee shop to order the same coffee—delicious as always—and wait for the same True Name to arrive. -Ey hesitated. Something about her tone pointed more towards anxiety than simple seriousness. Ey leaned forward to set eir notebook down, tugged up on eir slacks, and settled to eir knees in front of her. ``Of course, May. Will you?'' +Their standard greeting would be for Ioan to stand and bow—ey was always there too early—set up a cone of silence and share a bit of chit-chat, however many little nothings felt appropriate for the day, for the month since they'd last seen each other, before settling back down on the L-shaped couch, each to work on their own projects. -``I will be fine,'' she said, smiling. ``I am just a little worried today, is all.'' +Then, as ever, one or the other of them would call an end to the meeting, if meeting it was, and they'd stand once more, bow, and each would step back home. -``Any particular reason why?'' +Or, at least, ey would always step back home, where May would—as she always did—congratulate em on not dying. Ey didn't know where True Name left to. -``I just am. I am trying to build trust, but\ldots{}'' She shrugged. +The only thing that seemed to change was the topics they talked about—the this-or-thats of life—and True Name herself. -``Want me to leave a fork behind?'' +She was always smartly dressed, she always smiled brightly to em, always ordered the same mocha with extra whipped cream, and would always seem to get dabs of it on her nose-tip; but over time, the skunk had slowly picked up some ineffable quality about her that Ioan could only ever describe as `harried'. It wasn't in her grooming, for her whiskers were always neat and orderly, the longer fur atop her head well brushed, and her claws neatly trimmed. It wasn't in the things she talked about, for she always had some interesting bit of news about any of the three—four, if one counted Artemis—Systems out there. -``Will they be intolerable and antsy?'' +It was, ey decided, something to do with her eyes, her cheeks, the way her hands moved. It was in her voice, in her mien, in her bearing. -Ey laughed. ``Depends on how much pestering you do.'' +Once a month, ey'd meet True Name for coffee, and each time, she seemed that much more worn down, carrying that much more tension in her features, looking just that much older. -She lifted her snout enough to lick eir nose-tip, then shoved at em playfully. ``I am busy, my dear.'' +When ey first described this to May, the skunk had spent a silent minute staring out into the yard—or at least the corner visible from her beanbag—then stretched out on her belly, draping over the outsized cushion. ``Have you asked her, my dear?'' -``You fork more than anyone I know, you could just--'' +Ioan had shaken eir head. ``It never felt polite to.'' -``I am trying to tell you to get out of here, Ioan,'' she said, grinning in earnest. ``Do not mind a little bit of anxiety. I am sorry that that spilled over. I will think on it and we will talk later. Good luck, have fun, and do not die, okay?'' +``Some day you should,'' she had said. ``Though it is my suspicion that she is, as you have said, losing her easy confidence. She is struggling with the fact that she must constantly dump energy into keeping up the appearance of always being so in control.'' -Ey shook eir head and stood again, grabbing eir notebook. ``Skunks. I swear\ldots{}'' +Ioan had leaned back in eir chair and stared up at the ceiling. ``That certainly tallies with what she's said in the past.'' -Ey stepped out of the sim before she could kick eir shin. +``She is the type of person who will always take more upon herself, more and more and more until she cracks,'' May had murmured, quiet enough that Ioan had to strain to hear. ``That she has been at this for more than two and a quarter centuries and the strain is only now showing is, if anything, a testament to her perseverance. Or obstinance, perhaps.'' -Ey ordered eir usual coffee and staked out eir usual spot on the couch. Rather than getting to work while ey waited for True Name, ey simply sat and enjoyed eir coffee as best ey could, staring off into nothing while mulling over May's words. +Ever since that day, that conversation would rise to the fore of eir memory whenever ey met up with True Name for coffee. They would have their conversation, sip their drinks, and then get to whatever projects they were working on—but there would always be a small portion of eir mind dedicated to squaring what ey knew of her with just how old she was. -\emph{You will be okay, yes?} +What ey'd strategically left out of that conversation with May, however, was that eir fascination seemed to be driven by an almost pathological need to help. Somehow. Ey wanted to find what it was that was wearing so much on True Name and find a way to ease it. There was a problem there, and problems were made for solving, yes? -Ey frowned and shifted eir gaze down to eir coffee, half gone by now. There were relatively few things that would bring about such anxiety in May, and ey knew the majority of them stemmed from within herself. +It was something about em that May knew, ey was sure, but which ey'd never shared with her, as ey knew that her response would either be the gentle teasing that she was so good at heaping on em or the gentle inquisition that she was equally adept at conducting. She'd ask em where the feeling stemmed from: was it from within eir mind, or within eir heart? Was it related to \emph{all} problems? Was it because True Name looked so much like her, eir partner? When had it started? Launch? Convergence? Never mind if it were a problem that ey could not solve, as was almost certainly the case, what would ey do if it was a problem she did not \emph{want} solved? -She had occasionally gotten upset at em, usually when ey'd not picked up on some cue that she'd given for some emotional need ey wasn't meeting. In each case, she would express as best she could after the initial burst of anxiety. Her down-tree instance was another source, though that hatred she'd borne for so long had softened to something more like distaste of late. +Ey knew she'd ask em those questions because whenever ey asked them of emself, ey heard them in her voice. Even when ey'd asked Sarah, eir therapist (or, well, all three of their therapists), there was some subconscious overlay of the skunk's lilting voice floating above the question, and ey'd find emself dropping contractions and leaning on the anaphora that all Odists seemed stuck with. -All of the other times, though, had come from within. Whatever dire emotions that dwelt beneath the chipper, goofy, sarcastic, and delightfully earnest layer that made up the most of her would peek through and a little spark of something more profound and inexplicable would come over her. +``You seem particularly lost in thought today, Ioan.'' -Ey frowned down to eir coffee and considered whether ey should start laying in supplies in case she asked em to leave should waves of uncontrollable emotion take her, that `overflowing' that seemed to affect most—if not all—of the clade. If this was the first sign, though, ey at least had some time yet. +Ey jolted at the sudden intrusion of a voice on eir thoughts, then smiled sheepishly at True Name. ``Sorry about that. I hope I wasn't mumbling to myself.'' -``Mx. Bălan?'' +She grinned. ``Not this time, no, though your lips were moving, so I suspect you were not far off.'' -Ey jolted and sat upright. True Name stood on the other side of the low table from em, not yet having made the move to sit. ``Sorry, True Name.'' +Shaking eir head, ey capped eir pen, tucking it into a pocket and closing eir notebook on one of the place-marker ribbons. ``I don't doubt it.'' -She smiled kindly and bowed. ``May I join you? You looked quite deep in thought, and I am happy to meet up at another time.'' +``What was on your mind, if I may ask?'' -Returning the bow apologetically, ey gestured toward her usual spot on the couch. ``No, no. Sorry, I was a bit stuck up in my head. Could probably do with getting out more often.'' +Ey hesitated, considering eir options. The desire to fix, to help, to aid and assist, still hung around em, but it'd be impertinent for em to just offer that out of nowhere. Instead, ey said, ``Something May said. About you, I mean. Hopefully that's not weird.'' -The skunk nodded and sat, blinking a cone of silence into being. She lapped at a bit of the whipped cream atop her mocha to get down to the drink. ``I quite understand. Bit too cooped up of late?'' +The skunk laughed. ``It depends on what she said, does it not? Though I am flattered to have been in your thoughts. What did she have to say?'' -``A little, I guess. Heads down, maybe. End of the year performances, helping May write a monologue, working on my own next project.'' +``That you're the type of person to take on whatever's in front of you, even if your docket's already full. I was trying to piece together how much of that applies to the rest of the clade, too.'' After a moment, ey shrugged and added, ``And myself, for that matter.'' -She grinned. ``Plenty on your plate, then. May I ask how May Then My Name is doing?'' +True Name looked up to the ceiling, head tilted thoughtfully. ``I do not think there is any disputing that I will load myself up with responsibilities, often to the point of overloading. I remember some of that from before I was forked, though I do not think Michelle was of quite the same temperament. She took on more than she could handle more out of a sense of social obligation than\ldots whatever it is that drives me.'' -``Oh, she's alright.'' +``Determination? Persistence?'' -Ey must have hesitated before responding or not kept eir own anxiety out of eir voice, as True Name's expression fell. ``Say hi for me?'' +She shrugged. ``Perhaps. What is it that Dear says so often? `I do not make art because I know why; if I knew why, I would not need to make art'? It is like that for me. I do not strive because I know what drives me. If I knew what that was, who knows if I would continue to strive?'' -Ey nodded. ``Of course.'' +Ey marveled, as ey so often did, at just how many of the Odists seem to speak in well structured paragraphs. Thesis, hypothesis, synthesis. -``I am also curious to hear about her monologue. It is something I remember thinking about occasionally and yet never got around to doing. I am pleased that one of us is.'' +``It seems like it's wearing on you,'' ey said. Realizing that it had been nearly five minutes of em trying to psych emself up to say so, ey added, ``All that you've got going on, I mean.'' -That also felt like a closed topic given its context of being purpose-built, so ey shook eir head. ``I'm not comfortable talking about that without her permission. Sorry, True Name.'' +She frowned, leaned forward to pick up her coffee, and took a lapping sip. ``Does it? I am feeling increasingly overloaded, yes, but that is not new. How is it visible?'' -She smiled disarmingly and held up her free paw. ``Of course, Ioan, no trouble. Can you tell me about your own project, perhaps?'' +``You just seem more tired every time I see you.'' -Ey opened eir mouth, closed it again, then laughed. ``I feel like I laid a bunch of conversational landmines around me. Hopefully it's not uncomfortable, but with all that went down on Castor, I've been toying with rewriting \emph{On the Perils of Memory} as a play.'' +She nodded. ``I am, yes.'' -The skunk got a strange look on her face, then laughed. ``Oh really? Cheeky! I do not know if I will be able to make it to a performance, but I will be delighted to read the script, if you wind up publishing it.'' +``Is there--'' Ey caught emself up short, forcibly tamped down the urge to offer to help, and instead said, ``I mean, what all are you working on? I can never tell with you and May. It just looks like thinking.'' -Ey laughed as well, more relieved than anything. ``I'll make sure you get a copy, then. Was worried you'd be upset by it.'' +``It is perhaps a problem with doing all of one's work in one's head.'' she said. ``We are not blessed with your affinity for paper.'' -She waved her paw dismissively. ``Of course not, my dear. That whole kerfuffle was, what, forty years ago? Forty-five? It has been comfortably relegated to memory and is thus fair game for artists.'' +``Or cursed.'' -Nodding, ey finished eir coffee and set the cup down on the table so ey could pull out eir notebook and get to writing. +She chuckled. ``Your words, not mine. But, well\ldots with the understanding that I cannot tell you everything that I am working on, I will say that there is much to be done when it comes to shaping sys-side sentiment around all of the various new tech.'' -Ey worked for a few minutes. They both did, if True Name's thoughtful gaze up into nothing was anything to go by. Ey'd wound eir way past all those conversational mines—May, her monologue, the play about Qoheleth—and now felt free to relax into the afternoon. +``Oh?'' -``You know,'' the skunk said thoughtfully, bringing em out of eir writing. ``I was quite pleased when that book came out.'' +``The expanded ACLs on cones of silence, for example. It is nice to be able to obscure the occupants, yes? No more hiding one's mouth or expression. Limiting sensorium messages into or out of them by individual or clade is also quite nice for guaranteeing information security. Your interlocutor cannot be used to spy on you, yes? Ditto the refinements on sweeping unwanted occupants. We may shape our interactions more exactly with this tech. But how does one pass on the knowledge of the upgrades to the System? There are various feeds, yes, but even something as small as that requires some thought put into how to announce it. Do we hail it as a technological advancement, or do we put a tone of resignation on it, as though we have been given something no one wanted? Perhaps we announce it with a resounding chorus of `fucking \emph{finally}'.'' -``What, \emph{Perils}?'' +``It seems to have gone over well, at least.'' -She nodded. ``It was something of a relief in a strange, roundabout way. While I would have preferred that it had not ended the way it did, it wound up being a pretty efficient way to bring all of that to the surface. A lot of very smart people have been thinking about it over the last few decades, and I am pleased to see some progress being made, especially on the therapeutic side.'' +``It has, yes.'' Then, with a tilt of her head, ey felt the ACL-scape of the cone they were within shift, and there was a subtle blurring to the world around them as she opaqued the cone from the outside. ``Now consider the effects of audio/visual transmission between sys- and phys-side.'' -Ioan tilted eir head thoughtfully. ``Sounds like, yeah. At least, from what I hear from May and Codrin. A Finger Pointing has been pretty tight-lipped about her own therapy and I don't think End Waking went along with it.'' +Ey blinked and sat up straighter. ``Wait, what?'' -``He does not seem the type, no.'' +``You see? Much thought must be put into managing expectations.'' -``Is it working out well for you, too?'' +``Back up a moment. Are we going to actually get that?'' -``Well enough,'' she said. ``Though I am not comfortable discussing beyond that.'' +``It is already enabled in a select few locked-down sims, yes. AVEC, we are calling it. Audio/Visual Extrasystem Communication. A faint hope to foster a sense of connection between our two worlds with a pithy name.'' -Ey nodded. ``Right, sorry.'' +``Holy shit.'' -``It is alright. Thank you for understanding.'' She raised her cup towards em in a small toast. ``As to your book, however, I found it most interesting in that I was able to learn much about the assessment and impact of the events on the\ldots ah, liberal side of the clade.'' +She laughed. ``Holy shit, indeed. I have no clue as to the tech that goes into it, which is made all the more complicated from it being inspired by our dear Artemisian friends, but what I do know is that this will shift many of the plans in place around stability. When I sit here in silence, drinking my coffee and looking deep in thought, I am working on that. I write my speeches or talk with my cocladists or other versions of myself, and fill out the exo I have dedicated to the topic.'' -Ioan had to focus on keeping eir expression neutral. True Name hadn't always had the kindest of words for the self-proclaimed liberal Odists. ``I'll admit, I was worried as to how the book would go over with the conservatives.'' +``And that wears you out?'' Ey hastened to add, ``Not to say that it isn't work, of course.'' -``There were no assassins in the night, I trust?'' she asked, grinning. +The skunk gave a hint of a bow in acknowledgement. ``It is part of a larger work landscape in progress, yes. So much to keep in my head, so many conversations to be had, so many tiny social interactions to monitor, both in person and over the text of the perisystem feeds.'' -``Uh\ldots well, no,'' ey stammered, caught off guard by the humor. ``Actually, no contact at all. I don't think I've even talked about what happened with the other side of the clade until now.'' +Ey nodded. There was so much to process in just the new tech, not to mention the reminder that, even if ey'd long since started thinking of True Name as a complete and complex person and not some shady, two-dimensional villain, she still had her fingers in just about every political pie that could possibly exist on the three incarnations of the System. -``\,`The other side of the clade' is a more appropriate phrase, is it not? We are spread along a spectrum. Those like Dear, May Then My Name, and Hammered Silver at one end, those such as Praiseworthy, Those Who Forge, and Teeth Of Death somewhere in the middle, and then me and my ilk on the other. Death Itself and her stanza, out of all of us, seemed to have escaped that spectrum.'' The skunk finished her drink sitting in a silence for a minute, an acknowledgement of the losses from that stanza, then leaned forward to set her cup down before continuing. ``To soothe any fears you may have, it was not me who hired Guōweī, nor am I pleased with what happened and how.'' +``Does writing not wear you out, Ioan?'' -``Who did? Do you know?'' +``Well, sometimes,'' ey hedged. ``I guess it depends on what all is going into whatever it is that I'm writing. The \emph{History} wore me out at some points, particularly during research, but for the most part, writing was just\ldots what I did. It didn't wear me out any more than breathing might.'' -She smiled pityingly at em. ``Ioan, please.'' +``And theatre?'' -``Right, of course you do. I don't imagine you feel comfortable telling me who, though.'' +``Oh, that definitely wears me out.'' -``It is not a matter of comfort, my dear, it is one of information hygiene. The fewer people who know, the less of a chance there is of plans going awry. Besides,'' she nodded toward em. ``We considered the impact that \emph{Perils} would have on the System, and leaving that element of mystery in it accomplished our goals.'' +``I remember that, yes. Even just standing backstage, waiting for one's moment to enter felt exhausting sometimes. I would get all worn out and want nothing more than to go home and fall over, afterwards.'' -``Goals?'' Ey shook eir head. ``How do you mean?'' +``Didn't you go get shitty diner food or whatever?'' -The skunk folded her paws in her lap, leaning back against the couch. ``What would you say the current public opinion is of the book?'' +``Oh, nearly every time,'' she said, grinning. ``I would never let so sacred a ritual be spoiled by something as silly as sleep.'' -``I\ldots well, hmm. If you'd asked me that a few weeks ago, I wouldn't have been able to say, but I've been digging back into it for this project. I guess most seem to see it as a sort of cautionary tale. I didn't publish the internal report, so I think the fact that it read like investigative journalism made people treat it almost like a work of fiction.'' +Ey nodded. ``A Finger Pointing certainly holds to it like a ritual, yeah. It's a toss up whether or not she drinks us all under the table.'' -``Yes, and mystery plays a role in that. This is why we suggested you not publish the clade-side report. There is an appropriate level of mystery in what you did publish that aligned with our goals.'' +``Of course.'' The skunk grinned and finished her coffee, setting the mug down on the table. ``We studied long and hard to build up such a tolerance.'' -``So, similar to what you and Jonas did with the \emph{History}.'' +``Doesn't sound super healthy.'' -There was the briefest flicker of a wince on the skunk's face at the mention of Jonas, quickly mastered. She replaced it with a smile and gave a hint of a bow. ``Yes. In a relatively short time, both have started to fade into a near mythical status. A credit to your skills as a writer, Mx. Bălan.'' +``I suppose not. At least, not back phys-side.'' -Ey smiled warily. ``Thanks. Why, though?'' +``I noticed that seems to be unevenly distributed,'' ey observed. ``May and I rarely drink unless it's with someone else, but Dear and its partners seem to drink quite a bit.'' -``Why are they becoming myths?'' She shrugged. ``Life on the System is shaped by the modes of our existence. Creativity has assumed a level of primacy that was not feasible phys-side, and so successful creative works accelerate more quickly toward myth, here.'' +``So I have heard. There are a few aspects of our past life that were only picked up by a few of us, beyond the obvious interests. Drinking, theatre and art, furry, that sort of thing. I have never figured out whether there is any rhyme or reason to it.'' -Ey nodded. ``And you? What do you think of it?'' +Ey nodded. ``Makes me wonder if I might've done the same if I were more of a dispersionista.'' -``Of \emph{Perils}?'' +``Perhaps,'' she said, shrugging. ``Codrin has diverged quite a bit from you. They both have. You can put at least some of that on us, though. May Then My Name and Dear, I mean.'' -``That, the possible play, the events as a whole.'' +``Right,'' ey said, laughing. ``May's fond of saying that it's the Odists' job to fuck with us until we loosen up.'' -There was a moment of quiet as the skunk thought, brushing a paw over one of her knees to smooth out her slacks. ``With the understanding that there is much that I cannot tell you about my feelings on the proceedings, I found it all frustrating and unnerving. I worked with Qoheleth on several occasions throughout the years, and watching his\ldots I will not say decline, as I think the analogy does not hold, but his metamorphosis from Odist to Qoheleth touched on some primal distress. As I have said, I am not pleased with what happened or how. I liked him quite a bit.'' +True Name folded her paws in her lap primly, grinning to em. -This seemed to deserve another moment of silence, one of acknowledgement rather than thoughtfulness, and so ey let it play out, the muffled clatter of the rest of the cafe coming through the cone of silence suddenly much more present. +\emph{This is it,} ey thought. \emph{This is why I keep coming back. Even if she is consciously turning up the friendliness to maintain some weird status quo, or even if she's naturally like that, she's still nice to be around.} -``What news from Castor had you thinking about \emph{Perils}?'' +Ey considered letting the topic continue, but the thought was intriguing enough to voice out loud. ``Why do you do this, True Name? Get coffee with me, I mean.'' -``I'm sorry?'' +``There is nothing nefarious about it, if that is what you are asking,'' she said, pausing briefly. ``In confidence?'' -``Well, I do not associate aliens or time modification or the\ldots ah, struggles that Answers Will Not Help experienced with what happened with Qoheleth.'' +``Of course. I imagine most of what you say is in confidence.'' -Eir mind raced. How could ey possibly bring up the Name? That Codrin now knew it and that knowledge—at least at one layer of remove—had propagated through the clade? Surely she knew that, at least, but how could ey say that out loud to her? +``Indeed. I trust that you will not share the news about AVEC yet.'' -``Mx. Bălan?'' True Name was frowning, whether at eir silence or expression ey couldn't guess. ``I am guessing that the answer is complicated.'' +Ey nodded. -``It\ldots uh, yeah. What Codrin heard on Artemis\ldots I mean\ldots{}'' +``Right. Then I suppose it is just nice to have a friend, for lack of a better term.'' -The skunk tilted her head, gestured for em to continue. +A conversation from years back wafted up through eir memory. ``You said back during convergence, `We will never be close, you and I.' Has that changed?'' -\emph{Doesn't she know?} ey thought. \emph{She has to. Is she faking it?} +``I do not know. Has it?'' -``Well,'' ey stammered, hastily backtracking through eir train of thought. Perhaps ey should feign ignorance as well if that was indeed what she was doing. ``All that about getting lost, and how fourthrace experienced similar and also dealt with long-term effects.'' +Ey frowned. -Still frowning, she nodded. +``That is why I say `for lack of a better term'. We are on good terms, are we not? We are able to co-exist, to talk about news and nonsense, yes? To chat?'' She shrugged, smiled to em. ``That is perilously close to friendship, I think. If you do not feel that the label fits, I understand, but I stand by what I said: it is nice to have a friend. Someone who is not another me.'' -``It was all bound up in some clade-eyes-only thoughts,'' ey hastened to add, hoping that the slight untruth would be enough. ``Eir worries about Dear, Death Itself\ldots but I don't want to say any more.'' +``Aren't you friends with Jonas?'' -That seemed to have been enough, as the tenseness that had been building in her shoulders relaxed, though her frown remained. ``Of course, yes, I did not mean to press. My apologies.'' +The hesitation was brief, but still notable for just how tense it was. ``We make pretty good colleagues, and we have a mode of interaction that is comfortable for us, but the dynamic that you and I have is far closer to friendship than that of mine and his.'' -Ey shook eir head and waved a hand. ``It's okay, I just had to disentangle all those thoughts really quickly.'' +Ey tilted eir head, asking, ``Was that always the case?'' -``You are a very thoughtful person,'' she said, a hint of a smile creeping back onto her muzzle. ``In the common sense as well as in the sense that you seem to be at all times full of thoughts.'' +The skunk's expression never changed, but her tone grew far more careful as she bowed her head politely and said, ``I am not comfortable with this topic, my dear.'' -``I lost track of the number of times May's accused me of living up in my head a long time ago, yeah.'' +``Of course. Sorry, True Name.'' -``There is no harm in it, my dear. It serves you well.'' She settled back against the couch once more and sighed. ``Pleasant as it has been, I have spent more time talking than intended. I would like to get a bit of work done before I lose track of the threads, if that is alright.'' +She nodded once more, the relief in her expression as plain as the exhaustion that came with it. ``Thank you for being understanding. All of that to say that I enjoy our coffee and co-working sessions because there is a sense of friendship to them, and even I need that sometimes.'' -Ey smiled and nodded. ``Of course, True Name.'' +``Well, I'm happy to provide,'' ey said. The Bălan clade seemed to have undergone a collective reevaluation of True Name over the last few years, but even so, the plain earnestness led to a moment of tamping down suspicion that ey was simply being played. ``And for what it's worth, that lines up with my thoughts. Glad we have the chance to do so.'' -As the skunk's focus drifted away, ey opened eir notebook again and stared at what ey'd written already. The words were marks on the page, ey could tell, but eir mind was so wrapped up in the conversation that ey wasn't able to make sense of them. Too much had gone on in too short a timespan. All that talk of Qoheleth, of the conservatives' opinions of the events, or at least of True Name's. +She raised her cup in acknowledgment. ``Thank you, Ioan. That is perhaps a good note to end on, as I would like to reconcile memories across my instances.'' -She'd been so candid about it all, just as she'd been growing more candid with em in general over the last few years. She had all the reason in the world to use her centuries of skills intentionally, though. Ey'd never met anyone so tightly in control of themself as her. Perhaps even now, dozens, hundreds of sensorium messages were flying across her stanza preparing a soft landing for eir play in light of the fact that others now knew the Name. +Ey nodded. ``Sure. Until next time?'' -And yet\ldots{} +The skunk stood and bowed. ``Yes. Until next time. Enjoy the rest of your day, my dear.'' -And yet ey couldn't stop emself from thinking, \emph{Holy shit, I don't think she knows.} +The cone of silence dropped, letting in a jolt of noise, and the skunk stepped from the sim. Ey finished eir coffee, then stepped back home. + +``I am pleased to see that you did not die,'' May said, looking up from her notebook. + +Ey kicked off eir shoes and set down eir own notebook on eir desk before walking over to give her a kiss between the ears. ``Nope, not this time. Stuck with me for a while yet.'' + +She set her pen down and stretched before leaning up to dot her nose against eirs, arms draped up around eir shoulders. ``Good, I am not finished wringing all I can out of you. One day, you will be left a broken husk of a Bălan and I will move on to my next victim.'' + +Shaking eir head, ey returned that nose-press before straightening up. ``You're doing a crap job of it, May. You keep adding to my life rather than taking away from it.'' + +She laughed. ``Even when you are joking, you are adorable. Love you too, my dear. How was True Name?'' + +``Oh, fine. Much the same, I guess. We just worked and chatted and drank coffee. Nothing unusual.'' + +``Well, that can be good, right?'' + +``Yeah, comfort in familiarity. She did at least confirm your hypothesis that she's just been overloading herself.'' + +May nodded, stood, padded to her beanbag, flopped down. ``Of all of us, she is most prone to that, I suspect.'' + +``I don't think the Artemis dump is helping out, there. They're pulling all sorts of stuff from it.'' + +``You are as well, are you not?'' + +Ey laughed. ``I suppose I am, at that.'' + +She reached out and snagged one of eir hands, pulling em down onto the beanbag beside her. Ey lay back and let her rest her head against eir shoulder before settling eir arm around her. Comfortable, familiar. + +``She said something else that was interesting I'd like to discuss, but I don't want to keep talking about her if you're uncomfortable with it. It can be later.'' + +She shrugged, doodling a dull claw lazily over eir stomach through eir shirt and vest, sitting just shy of ticklish. ``I do not mind. You know that I have been working on it.'' + +``Sure, I just didn't want to--'' + +``I will tell you if I would like to drop the topic, I promise,'' she said, then laughed. ``Sorry, Ioan. I did not mean to interrupt.'' + +``No, it's okay. She actually did that quite well today.'' Ey leaned eir head back on the beanbag. ``I asked why she kept up with me with the coffee meetings, and she said that it's just nice to have a friend.'' + +May tilted her head up, enough to bump her nose against the underside of eir chin. ``Are you? Friends, I mean.'' + +``That's what we talked about. Neither of us could really decide on anything beyond `friends for lack of a better term'.'' Ey hesitated, feeling incredibly conscious of eir partner resting against em, her stated resentment of her down-tree instance, how that had veered for so long into hatred over all that she had done. Ey continued, speaking carefully, ``I like having interesting people to talk to and she's been pretty good company. She likes having someone to just be around and talk with that isn't herself or Jonas.'' + +``Are they still not getting along?'' + +``Worse, maybe. That's where she requested that I drop the topic. She said that they made good coworkers, but not necessarily friends, and I asked if that was always the case, and she said she wasn't comfortable having that conversation. Very politely, of course, but it looked like it took a lot of effort.'' + +``Mm.'' The skunk lowered her muzzle, letting em peek down at her again. ``I have been working on how I define myself in relation to True Name. I do not like that I spent so long hating her. I do not want that to be a part of who I am. I am May, who loves, yes? I hold no such compunctions about Jonas, though, and I am sorry that she still feels she must engage with him. He was a piece of shit then and I imagine that he is far worse now.'' + +``Huh?'' Ey shook eir head as ey pieced together what she meant. ``Oh right, sorry. I guess you were forked off after he and True Name started working together.'' + +``Yes. I remember that from when I was her. We were not friends then, and I am glad that she is not his friend now.'' + +``I only met him those few times years back, and yeah, I'm glad she isn't, either. He was definitely a piece of shit.'' + +She laughed and poked em in the belly. ``Mx. Ioan Bălan, you watch your language.'' + +``Hey, I curse!'' + +``Not well, Ionuț.'' + +``Yeah, well, fuck you too,'' ey said, smirking at the teasingly diminutive form of eir name. + +The skunk sat up and gave em an exaggerated frown. ``I am warning you, young man.'' + +Ey rolled eir eyes. ``\,`Young man'?'' + +``Little miss?'' + +Ey grinned, shook eir head. ``Try again.'' + +``Young gentlethem.'' + +Ey laughed. ``I don't know what your hang-up is, you nut. I learned it from you.'' + +``What, `fuck you too'?'' May shook her head. ``It just sounds so strange coming from your mouth.'' + +``I'm not as good at the well placed profanity as all of you.'' + +``It is an art we have perfected. It increases the impact when they do show up. Even True Name does it, I am sure.'' + +``She has once or twice, yeah. You two still sound similar enough in terms of your voices, so I feel like I'm used to it.'' + +May nodded, leaned down, and licked em squarely across the nose before settling down against eir front again. ``Yes, I suppose we do. Here is where we drop the topic, however.'' + +``Alright,'' ey said, wiping eir face. ``What should we do for dinner?'' diff --git a/mitzvot/content/004.tex b/mitzvot/content/004.tex index 93f6047..4ef8532 100644 --- a/mitzvot/content/004.tex +++ b/mitzvot/content/004.tex @@ -1,237 +1,194 @@ +\vspace{-1em} \begin{center}\rule{0.5\linewidth}{0.5pt}\end{center} -Ioan half lay, half slouched against the headboard with May draped bonelessly up along eir front. She'd gotten up to make them both coffee to drink in bed, then proceeded to doze off again, using eir chest as a pillow and the rest of em as a mattress. +\AddToHookNext{shipout/after}{\includepdf[pages={1},offset=3in 0]{assets/may-bar}} -Ey, meanwhile, had made it through most of eir coffee, resting the cup between the skunk's shoulder blades between sips. It was technically Christmas, though neither of them cared much for the holiday. Michelle Hadje had been raised vaguely Jewish and Ioan the particular blend of spiritual humanism that pervaded Eastern Europe at the time, but both had been well-steeped in the broader secular Christian culture of the West. That meant it was the day for the \emph{tocană} and \emph{mămăligă} that had become tradition for them. Ey hadn't learned to cook much prior to uploading—just a few simple dishes for a poor student—and it wasn't until ey had wound up on the System in eir current sim that ey'd gone back to teach emself all the things ey'd loved growing up. +``To be built to love is to be built to dissolve. It is to be built to unbecome. It is to have the sole purpose in life of falling apart all in the name of someone else. -It promised to be a lazy sort of day otherwise, which felt necessary. May's spike of anxiety when ey'd gone out for eir meeting with True Name a few days prior had quickly tapered off, but it had not simply gone away. The days that followed had included a lot of asking em if ey was okay and taking breaks to sit and look out the picture windows, lost in thought. +``We all have a bit of that in us, do we not? You find yourself at a bar or maybe in some class somewhere, you look over, and there they are, right? You look over and you maybe catch their eye and you come undone at the seams. You fall into those big, beautiful eyes—for when you are built to love, every eye that catches yours is the most beautiful thing of all time—and you begin to flake away at the edges. -Still, last night had been delightful, with the skunk far more relaxed while they cooked—or tried to cook—shitty fast food for each other. After dinner, they moved to the couch with Ioan resting eir head in May's lap so that she could tease her fingers through eir thick hair while they hummed silly little songs to each other. +``And to be built to love is to be all edges. They catch on your clothes, they brush against walls and furniture. You are all edges\pagebreak~so that love can fill the cracks and soften those jagged corners. -Today promised to be equally comfortable. +``You are spiked and barbed. It is as if you are built that way on purpose, so that the slightest breeze can blow you about and catch you up on some future love.'' -Ey frowned when ey lifted eir mug, only to find it empty. Equally comfortable but for that, ey supposed. +The skunk had been sitting on a barstool, hunched over a pint and slurring half to the glass, half to some absent bartender. She slid to her feet, wobbled for a moment, then righted herself. -``I'm going to drink your coffee, May.'' +``Actually, you know what? I have heard it said so many times that to hate—truly hate, burn up inside with that passion—is to actually be in love with the object of your hatred, but I think there is a little bit of hatred in love, too. You fall so completely for someone that you just cannot help but resent them. It is a mirror of that hatred for yourself, for all your jagged edges and prickly burrs, a reflection of the resentment that you feel towards yourself for having been built to love. And look at me!'' She gestured down at herself, a grand sweep of the paw outsized in her intoxication. ``I fuckin' loathe myself! Can you imagine how deeply I must love others, then?'' -``If you do, I will pin you down and pluck your eyebrows bald,'' she mumbled, slowly lifting her head and reaching out toward her mug on the nightstand. +After a moment's wild laughter, she stumbled back until her tail crumpled against the edge of the stool. ``Ow! Fuck. Yeah, I deserved that one, I think.'' -``That's a new one. Sounds painful.'' +She moved to finish her pint, frowned on finding it empty, and shuffled away from the bar. -``Add it to the list,'' she said after she was able to get at least a few sips in. +``So yeah, you hate yourself, and it actually feels kind of good, does it not? Hatred can fill in those cracks as easily as love. Sure, it may not leave so pretty a pattern as the\ldots whatsit\ldots the patina that stains a tea cup with crackled glaze, but maybe the edges of you do not catch on so many things anymore. Maybe those prickles are dulled and you bounce off everyone around you. You can ping-pong through life, then, loving everyone and loathing yourself.'' -``One day, they're going to find my body, clearly smothered to death, my eyebrows fully plucked, sand in my shoes, cracker crumbs in my bed, all of my pens un-capped, all of my book pages dog-eared, with skunk fur in all the food,'' ey said, laughing. ``I'm pretty sure they'll know it was you.'' +The skunk stood up straight again, brushed her shirt out, and brought her tail around to rub at where she'd bumped it against the stool. -She lifted her chin to park it on eir shoulder. ``Mm, well, it is a risk I am willing to take.'' +``Good Lord, May,'' Ioan said, laughing. -Ey tilted eir head to give the top of her own a kiss. An awkward affair, but worth it. ``You stay up too late again?'' +She grinned widely, all that feigned drunkenness suddenly gone from her expression. ``How was it, my dear?'' -She shrugged. +Ey slouched back against the front row seat ey'd claimed, tapping the end of eir pen against eir lower lip. ``Really, really good,'' ey said. ``Was the stumble intentional?'' -``Well, you're a pretty cozy blanket, if a little too warm, so I guess I'll allow it.'' +``The movement itself was,'' she said. ``Though hitting my tail was not.'' -Lifting her snout, she licked at eir shoulder, getting a laugh out of em. ``Whereas you, my dear, are not a very good pillow. Just chock full of bones.'' +``So no `I deserved that one'?'' -``I need those to live.'' +She sat down on the edge of the stage, kicking her feet idly. ``It was not in there, no, but I think I will keep it.'' -``Lame,'' she drawled. After a moment, she added thoughtfully, ``I am glad that you have skin, though. It would be quite disgusting without.'' +Ey grinned and closed eir notebook around eir pen, setting it aside to stand. ``Yeah, it's good in there,'' ey said, leaning forward to give the bridge of her snout a kiss. She squinted her eyes shut and then scrubbed a paw over her muzzle. ``I mean, the whole thing's good. Only note I really had is that you say `hate' four times in a pretty short span right after you stood up. `That to hate', then `truly hate', then `object of your hatred', and then `little bit of hatred'.'' -``Eugh. As am I.'' Ey leaned over to grab her coffee cup and steal a sip, threats be damned. ``I'm still surprised you didn't wind up with another furry, though. Figured that would be more your style.'' +``Should I make them all different?'' -``I wind up with people that I like, whether they have fur or not.'' She shrugged. ``Which is not to say that I have not wound up with other furries.'' +``I'd keep the first two because it works as an echo, so maybe just change the fourth? `Loathing'?'' -``I'm not complaining. You're soft.'' +``Excellent, O great wordsmith.'' -``To be fair, that is what I like about you having skin. Skin is soft as well. Were you a furry, though, what species would you be?'' +Ey laughed and tweaked her ear before hoisting emself up onto the edge of the stage next to her. Predictably, she scooted closer so that she could lean against eir side. ``Who would've thought, hmm? You getting me into theatre and me getting you into writing.'' -Ey pet along her back, thinking. ``I don't know. I've only really had extensive interactions with skunks, foxes, and weasels. Maybe a squirrel?'' +``This is still theatre! Just earlier on in the process,'' she said, indignant. ``But yes, it is proof that the Bălans can shove us around instead of only the other way around.'' -She rolled off eir front and sat up eagerly. ``A squirrel? Really? Would you be one of those fancy red ones with the ear tufts and outrageous tails or one of the gray ones that were all over where I grew up?'' +Ey gave her a playful shove with eir shoulder, at which she let out an outsized yelp followed by a whimper. ``So mean!'' -A quick query of the perisystem archive gave em a good idea of what each might look like. ``The red ones sound really ostentatious. I don't know if I could pull that off.'' +``Yeah, that's me. Meanest person you know.'' -She retrieved her coffee mug from em and settled in beside em instead. ``Yes, but the \emph{tail,}'' she whined. ``Come on, my dear. You would simply \emph{have} to be a red squirrel. You dress all fancy, even!'' +She rolled her eyes. -``Are they bigger than skunk tails?'' +Ey let a long silence play then, looking out into the cool darkness of the theater while May summoned up her notebook and scribbled down eir tip from earlier. -She looked thoughtful for a moment, then shrugged. ``Solid competition.'' - -``I can't picture anything having a bigger tail than you, May. Definitely outrageous.'' - -``I thought you liked my tail.'' - -``I do!'' - -``Excellent, I shall allow you to live another day.'' She laughed and dotted her nose against eir cheek. ``I had considered becoming a panther for some time, but I am too attached to my tail.'' - -``Or you it is to you.'' - -She laughed. - -``You know, I've always wondered,'' ey said, getting an arm around her. ``Why did the most political stanza of the clade stay skunks? Wouldn't it be more effective to be humans? It's not like the majority of folks on the Systems are furries.'' - -``Only three of the ten are skunks anymore, and you have met all three. Besides, I think End Waking is the only one of the three of us who has not spent time in human form. Some of me in other relationships were—or perhaps are—humans. I spent six months with you in that form, even, remember?'' - -Ey nodded. ``It was pretty weird.'' - -``For both of us, yes. I like being what I am. Short, soft, furry, chubby,'' she said, poking at her belly. ``It is just that these are all things that are disarming to a great many people. Even skunks, despite their reputation for smelling bad, are often seen as bumbling, stupid creatures.'' - -``I wouldn't call you stupid, May. Bumbling, though\ldots{}'' - -She rolled her eyes. ``Thank you, I think? But yes, even bumbling is a calculated gesture to be inoffensive.'' - -``End Waking said similar.'' Ey dug through eir exocortices until ey came up with the memory of the conversation, ``He said it was a matter of intent.'' - -``It is, yes. I am sure that some of the wider clade who remain skunks do so without a second thought, but that is not how True Name worked, and so it is not how we work.'' - -``And she did that for the same reasons? To be inoffensive?'' - -She nodded. ``In a way. At first, she could not be anything but, as that is how she was forked, but she kept it because of the way the Council worked. She was a skunk, Debarre was a weasel, Ezekiel spent half the time looking like a shambling pile of dirty rags and the other half like an unhoused man, and user11824 looked like the least remarkable person possible, as though your eyes simply slid right off of him. The ethos of the Council was to be just ordinary people who were weird before uploading and remained weird after.'' - -``Jonas wasn't that weird when I met him.'' - -She made a sour face. ``But everything that he did was intentional. Every aspect of his appearance and personality.'' - -Ey nodded. - -``But I think True Name kept it after the Council disbanded for much the same reasons. She is a furry because there are plenty of furries on the System. She remains in her early thirties because that is what one expects out of those on the System. She is not unattractive among furries, maintaining that soft figure and well kept appearance without heading towards sex-symbol because that is what many on the System wind up doing. She is professional, I am cute, End Waking is the sad and introspective one, and so on.'' - -``Right, that makes sense.'' Ey hesitated, composing eir next words carefully. ``You talk about her quite a bit. I know that--'' - -``You asked, Ioan,'' she interrupted, frowning. - -``I know, May, I just mean in general. I know you're consciously working on how you feel about her and I keep bringing her up besides. Just an observation.'' - -The moment of tenseness lingered, then passed as she wilted against em, sighing. ``I know. I did not mean to get short with you. You are right, and I am not sure how I feel about that fact, that she is so often on my mind. My feelings remain complex.'' - -``Oh, I definitely get that.'' - -``You seem to enjoy her company more.'' - -Ey shrugged. ``I guess. It started out as a way to keep things smooth between our clades during the convergence, but now it's just a thing to do outside the house.'' - -``Coffee dates are good,'' she said, nodding. - -``I don't know if I'd call them dates. No romance, there.'' - -The skunk laughed and shook her head. ``Just an expression.'' - -``Oh, right.'' Ey shrugged. ``She's just like\ldots a coworker one is friends with. There are contexts that I enjoy her company in, but it's not like I'm inviting her over for the holidays.'' - -``Which is good,'' she said, grinning. ``I am sure that I will get to the point where she and I can coexist in the same space without either of us pulling each other's fur out, but sharing Christmas dinner with her would be far too much.'' - -Ey nodded and tightened eir arm around her, kissing between her ears. ``Same, I think. Thanks for reminding me, though. I should probably get up and get that started.'' - -They both slid out of the bed to complete their morning tasks: Ioan to make another pot of coffee and prepare breakfast while May went through her grooming routine, eating, then a shower for em while she worked on her monologue. - -The dinner itself wasn't exactly onerous. A stew of beef—ey'd been raised on a version with lamb, which May hadn't liked—tomatoes, and mushrooms in a garlicky, paprika-filled gravy served with polenta. Still, it benefited from a longer cooking time, so ey began that after eir shower and set it to \mbox{simmering}. - -After that, they set some music to playing—the overlap of what they both enjoyed wasn't large, given the more than a century's age difference, but piano jazz seemed to work for both of them—and set to work on whatever it was that was occupying their minds. - -Or tried to, at least. - -Their conversation this morning as well as eir meeting with True Name a few days prior left Ioan in mind of skunks and the Ode clade, and even though those both featured quite heavily in the stage adaptation of \emph{On the Perils of Memory}, nothing ey tried seemed quite in the right vein. - -Ey flipped to a blank sheet of paper and began a letter, instead. - -\begin{quote} -True Name, - -I hope all is well. - -After our conversation a few days ago, as well as another that I had with May this morning, I got to thinking about a pattern I've noticed, and wanted to ask you about it. I hope it's not too impertinent of me. If it's too sensitive a topic, I understand. - -I've noticed that you and May have a tendency to talk about each other quite a bit. I know that there are a lot of factors that go into this such as my relationships with each of you, your shared history, and the fact that I have a habit of asking each of you about the other in turn. - -All the same, I was wondering if you had any thoughts on the matter. I don't want to sound meddlesome (indeed, I don't think I'd even be capable of meddling with either of you), I just want to better understand each of you in turn, given the dynamics between us. - -I know it's not a huge deal for either of our clades, but all the same, Merry Christmas. - -Best, - -Ioan -\end{quote} - -Ey read through the letter top to bottom three times, then, with a brush of the hand and a bit of intent, sent it on its way. - -Doing eir best to forget about it until the other skunk responded, ey puttered around the house, checking on the stew, trying out a new ink in one of eir pens, and rehearsing some lines in a cone of silence. - -A bit more than two hours after ey'd sent the message, a reply spooled itself out of eir desk and into eir field of view. - -\begin{center} -\textbf{IOAN BĂLAN INDIVIDUAL-EYES-ONLY MATERIAL} -\end{center} - -\begin{quote} -Mx. Bălan, - -Thank you for your letter. Had we discussed this in person or over sensorium messages, I think that my responses would be quite different, but the intentionality that is required when engaging with writing forced me to think this through more clearly. - -You are correct in assuming that it is you being our shared connection rather than any direct link between the two of us that leads to each of us discussing the other with you frequently. I do not think that this is worth discounting, however, as many know of each other only through one mutual acquaintance and yet do not talk constantly of each other to that one one person between them. It is still notable that we discuss one another as much as we do. - -I have spent the last hour in discussion with myself while writing this, and would like this reply kept in confidence. - -Years ago, when the Artemisians first arrived, May Then My Name mentioned a letter that I had sent her regarding you. I am not normally in the habit of sharing the tools of my trade, such as they are, and sharing this with you in particular is uncomfortable. However you of all people—a friend and someone deeply entangled with the clade—deserve to have the chance to read it, and it may do well to explain where we have found ourselves. Here is that letter in full: - -\begin{quote} -May Then My Name Die With Me, - -I hope that you are doing well. I understand that there remains some concern about the outcome of your previous relationship, and I would like you to know that I am not so far diverged from our common ancestor that I do not share in some of those feelings. I remember how often I would come crying into the Crown, leaning on this shoulder or that as I tried to deal with yet another break-up. I know that I have not always been the kindest or most empathetic down-tree instance, for which I truly am sorry. You are, in many ways, a better version of me, and the completeness that you bring to our stanza ensures that, even if I am not a fully realized person as you have suggested in the past, we—whether that is you and I, our stanza, or the Odists as a whole—still do add up to something that is greater than the sum of its parts. You may not believe me, and for that I do not blame you, but I really do love you in my own way, May Then My Name. - -I do not know if you have been keeping up with many other stanzas after Qoheleth quit, but it appears that Dear, Also, The Tree That Was Felled has welcomed a new member to its relationship structure, one Codrin Bălan. I am sure that you recognize the clade name from \emph{On The Perils of Memory}. Codrin's down-tree instance, Ioan Bălan, was the amanuensis that Dear had chosen during that spate of trouble, and the series of events that followed led to a process of individuation. It is always exciting to see that happen, is it not? - -The reason that I bring this up is that Ioan has picked up as eir next project an investigative piece surrounding the launch project. Given your role as sys-side launch director, I thought that I would put you two in touch. Eir project would benefit greatly from your position as well as your history, both with the project and with our time on the System. I have had the chance to interact with both Ioan and Codrin in the past, and they are some of the most delightful, insightful people that I have met. Please look them up when you get a chance. - -All my best, - -The Only Time I Know My True Name Is When I Dream of the Ode clade - -systime 197+3 -\end{quote} - -That night, when she brought up this message, she mentioned that she believed me when I said that I love her in my own way. - -I understand the root of her feelings towards me and, as I also mentioned on that night, I do not begrudge her that. I will ever be what I am, and what that is does not mesh well with her view of the world, even as it is integral to my existence. - -Just as she said that she still believes me, it is also true that I still love her. Codrin reported that Why Ask Questions said, ``I have yet to meet a single person who has not fallen at least a little in love with May.'' There is perhaps a little bit of that involved in my own inescapably me way, but beyond that I love her as the version of me that I did not become. - -Were you to ask me at the time, or even just a year ago, I do not think that I would have admitted such aloud, but even as I suspect that she is working on her thoughts about me with Ms.~Genet, I have been working with Ms.~Genet on my ability to be truly earnest with those I respect, which includes you. - -I do not hold regrets for the path that has led us to this point. I have accomplished much that I set out to do, and, while the cost has been great when it comes to my interpersonal relationships (and, as you mentioned, my stress levels), it all very much still feels worth it. - -Consciously or not, I make it a point to ask you how she is doing and to engage with her at one degree of remove because this is still a way to maintain that level of connection with someone I could have been after so long a time of disconnect. - -Writing this has been both stressful and cathartic, so I appreciate having the chance to do so. While communications with my counterparts on Castor and Pollux have been somewhat scant of late, both of them have mentioned that they are striving to find situations in which they can be vulnerable and earnest. As I am sure you understand, this is still quite difficult for us. - -Let us meet up on Secession Day for our next coffee date. Is 11:00 amenable? It can be a small celebration of our own. - -I wish you and her both a delightful holiday. If you are comfortable bringing up the topic of me with her today and would like to get a laugh out of her, please say simply, ``Jingle Bells stage blocking.'' - -Sincerely, - -The Only Time I Know My True Name Is When I Dream of the Ode clade - -systime 225+359 -\end{quote} - -\begin{center} -\textbf{END IOAN BĂLAN INDIVIDUAL-EYES-ONLY MATERIAL} -\end{center} - -Ey read the letter through a few more times, trying to digest all that it contained, trying to square this with what May had said of True Name steering her subtly into eir life, trying once again not to read too deep and guess that True Name\#Castor simply hadn't told her about Codrin learning the Name. - -Finally, acknowledging that ey wouldn't be able to digest it all in one go, ey dashed off a quick reply thanking True Name for the letter and confirming the time of the next meeting. Then, ey committed the letter to a new exo ey tagged ``True Name--May 225'' and destroyed the physical copy. - -``May?'' ey said, dropping eir cone of silence. +``Do you really feel that way?'' ``Mm?'' -``I was confirming a date with True Name and she said I should ask you about something called `Jingle Bells stage blocking'. Do you know--'' +``The jagged edges and self-loathing.'' -The skunk let out a melodramatic groan and slid off her stool to the floor, landing on her hands and knees before flopping onto her side, laughing. ``What a fucking brat.'' +She shrugged. ``There is some of me in there, yes, but it is still theatre. It is about taking the particular and making it universal, if only for a little while, yes?'' -Ey stared at her, nonplussed. +Ey nodded. -``Oh God, Ioan, you do not know pain until you work with choir kids.'' +When ey didn't reply otherwise, she shrugged and continued, ``I would not say that I agree with that `I loathe myself, so imagine how much I love others' bit. I do not loathe myself, and yet I still love others. Have loved and will love in the future, even, and I see no change in my rare moments of self-loathing.'' -Ey laughed and shook eir head, leaning forward to ruffle over her ears. It was a much more pleasant response to a note from True Name than ey'd expected. ``You're right, I don't. I'll just have to trust you on that. Skunks are so weird.'' +Ey laughed. ``\,`Will love in the future'? You leaving me for some handsome guy you met in a bar, then?'' + +``A bar? Ugh. I am apparently more of a `hunt nerds in the library' type.'' She poked em in the belly. ``But I love \emph{you}, Ioan, and will continue to do so.'' + +Rubbing at the spot where she'd poked with her dull claw, ey nodded. ``Love you too, May.'' + +She beamed happily and settled back in against eir side, head resting on eir shoulder. ``I am glad, my dear. I know we agreed early on that this—us being together, I mean—does not need to be permanent, but that does not change the fact that I will continue loving you. Even if we should split, I will not stop.'' + +Ey nodded slowly. + +``I have no plans for such,'' she added quickly. ``You are stuck with me for a good while yet.'' + +``What? Oh, no,'' ey said, shaking eir head to clear a few too many thoughts. ``I trust you on that. Just got me thinking. Do you still love all the others you've been with?'' + +She laughed. ``What I said does not apply just to you. Of course I still love them. Some long-diverged forks of me are even still in relationships with their partners.'' + +``So you've said. You still love them as the root instance, though?'' + +She nodded. ``I do not begin relationships as anything other than my root instance. I do not know why, but it does not feel fair of me to do anything but.'' + +``Oh, so none of your forks went on to fork for other relationships?'' + +``Not that I know of, no. It is a firm conviction, so I would imagine that they hold to it, but perhaps some older ones have diverged. We do not speak much.'' + +``How many are there, anyway?'' + +She lifted her head to dot her nose against eir cheek. ``Are you jealous, my dear?'' Her voice was calm and curious. Calm enough and curious enough, some distant part of em noted, that it kept em from falling immediately into defensiveness. + +``I get the occasional pangs, more so early on,'' ey said after a long moment's thought. ``When ey was first getting settled in eir relationship, Codrin told me about something that Dear had told em shortly after ey'd been forked, `jealousy is a sign of needs not met'. Whenever I start feeling jealous, that's usually a sign for me to take a step back and think about what need that might be.'' + +``See, this is what I like about you, Ioan. You feel a thing and then think about it until you understand it. Sometimes a little too much, but it has served you well.'' + +Ey tilted eir cheek to rest it atop her head, a bit of closeness that also served the purpose of stopping her ear-tip from tickling eir neck. + +``I feel a thing and am helpless before it. I cannot but wrap myself up in\ldots it\ldots{}'' she said, pulling out her notebook again to jot down the words as they came. ``Love, hatred, hunger, exhaustion. I am built for them all, and I cannot do a thing about them\ldots{}'' + +Ey shared a secret smile with emself as the skunk trailed off, continuing to write, tongue-tip peeking out from her muzzle. + +``Also,'' she said once she'd finished. ``The answer is that I do not know how many of me are still in relationships. There are at least three, and I know of at least five that have quit, though I declined the merges out of privacy. I never made it a requirement that they keep in touch. Beyond that, I think there are\ldots mm, seven, perhaps?'' + +``So that makes me your sixteenth relationship?'' + +``Something like that, yes. Sixteenth truly serious one.'' She slid over and swung her legs up onto the stage so that she could rest her head in eir lap. ``Did my monologue really get you thinking about all this?'' + +``It's a good monologue,'' ey said, petting over her ears. ``Or start, at least. You said it should be five minutes, right?'' + +She nodded. ``Around that, yes. I am still working on it.'' + +``Mmhm. It's good so far, though. It got me thinking, but I'm also just fascinated by you, which helps.'' + +``Why, because I am weird? I think that is an Odist thing,'' she said, laughing. + +``What, am I not allowed to be fascinated by my partner?'' + +``Absolutely not, no.'' + +Ey tugged on her ear. ``Fascinated and annoyed.'' + +``Yes, well, too bad. You remain stuck with me, Mx. Bălan.'' She continued more seriously, ``I did not expect this to be fascinating to you. I try to be careful talking about my other relationships.'' + +``I don't really mind,'' ey said after giving it due thought. ``That was past May, right? It'd be like getting upset over someone else having exes. If it were multiple partners at the same time, that'd probably be a separate conversation.'' + +She shook her head. ``I could not do that. I am not built the same as Dear. I am only in multiple relationships in the sense that there are multiple mes, but there is only ever one me involved with one other. It is parallel monogamy.'' + +``Why?'' + +``Because,'' she said, rolling onto her back so that she could smile up to em. ``I am also helpless before devotion, and that takes the whole of me.'' + +``What about Douglas or A Finger Pointing?'' + +``I hold no romantic feelings for A Finger Pointing.'' She laughed. ``She is nice, but in a boss-you-drink-with-on-Fridays-and-I-guess-occasionally-have-a-fling-with sort of way.'' + +``And Douglas?'' + +Her answer was a while in coming. ``Were our friendship to head in that direction, I would fork, but I do not foresee that being the case.'' + +``Really?'' Ey frowned. ``Wouldn't that be awkward? Us going over there to see him and the other you together?'' + +``Oh, incredibly awkward,'' she said, rolling her eyes. ``I have done similar in the past, and it would take a year or two to shake out. It is uncomfortable for me, as well, as I am left with the same desire even as my down-tree instance gets fulfillment and they are left with love for you.'' + +``I can imagine.'' + +``No, Ioan, I do not think you can,'' she said primly. ``You actually think about the way you feel as you are feeling it like a normal person rather than just crashing headlong into overwhelming emotions like a fucking Odist.'' + +``Well, fair.'' + +``I do not think we need to worry about that, though. I am comfortable with my friendship with him just as I am comfortable loving you, and should someone catch my eye--'' + +``You'd need to start going to more libraries, I think.'' + +She laughed and shook her head, continuing, ``--should someone catch my eye—or yours, for that matter—we will tackle it then with plenty of talking.'' + +``Oh, I believe you on that. Skunks never shut up.'' + +She made as if to bite em on the belly and, when ey flinched away, grinned up to em. ``Mx. Ioan Bălan, you are the one asking all the questions with long, involved answers. Do not pin this on me.'' + +``Yeah, yeah. You just got me thinking is all. I think you're giving me too much credit saying someone might catch my eye, though.'' + +``Why?'' + +Ey shrugged. ``I'm not exactly that observant.'' + +``You worked as a professional observer for, what, a century?'' + +``Not \emph{that} kind of observation.'' + +She laughed. ``Well, okay, yes. I will not discount the possibility, though. If we are in this life for yet more centuries, there is no harm in being deliberate. Plus, I will get an inordinate amount of satisfaction out of seeing you fall for someone. It was so wholesome the first time! I see no reason why it should not be the same subsequent times.'' + +``I guess. I don't know if there's anyone who--'' + +She waved a paw dismissively. ``If there is not, there is not. We can speak in hypotheticals like fucking grown-ups.'' + +``Fine, fine.'' + +When the silence drew out, May grabbed one of eir hands and started mouthing on eir fingers, sharp skunk teeth just pricking skin. + +``Ow!'' Ey laughed and tapped a finger on her nose lightly. ``Pest.'' + +She licked at eir fingertip, saying, ``Thank you, my dear, in all earnestness. It makes me happy to be able to have a conversation about this.'' + +``Of course, May. I figure it ought to be an open topic for us.'' + +She nodded and stretched out on the stage. ``Agreed. We can come back to it later, though. I would like to run this through once more,'' she said, waggling the notebook at em. ``And then head home to get ready for dinner. Debarre is coming over and I plan on flirting with him outrageously in front of you all night long to see if I can make you jealous.'' + +Ey laughed and pushed at her until she sat up before sliding\pagebreak~off the stage and walking back to eir seat. ``Alright. Once more, from the top.'' diff --git a/mitzvot/content/005.tex b/mitzvot/content/005.tex index 46e20c5..5e176ae 100644 --- a/mitzvot/content/005.tex +++ b/mitzvot/content/005.tex @@ -1,135 +1,183 @@ -\hypertarget{debarre-2350}{% -\chapter{Debarre — 2350}\label{debarre-2350}} -\markboth{Debarre — 2350}{} +\begin{center}\rule{0.5\linewidth}{0.5pt}\end{center} -Debarre and Do I Know God After The End Waking stood, naked and frowning, on the granite that hung cantilevered above the pond that had dug itself into the forest floor beneath the falls. It wasn't a high drop, not enough to turn the stomach, but enough to keep them from simply jumping in. +Ioan pulled together a stack of eir notes and, with a little concentration and a gesture, moved them over to a once-blank notebook, the pages now filled with eir scratchy shorthand. To this was added one of eir nicer pens, clipped to the cover, and a few slips of foolscap besides. -``And you're sure it's deep enough?'' +Tucking those under eir arm, ey walked over to May's desk and bent down to give the skunk a kiss atop her head, right between her ears. ``I'm heading out. No messing with my pens, okay?'' -``I am not, no,'' End Waking said, then let out a shout and leapt off the overhang out over the water. +Rather than the usual `do not die' joke, she turned on her stool, looped her arms up around eir shoulders, and pressed her nose to eirs. ``You will be okay, yes?'' -The weasel's frown deepened. No sounds of screaming below, at least. +Ey hesitated. Something about her tone pointed more towards anxiety than simple seriousness. Ey leaned forward to set eir notebook down, tugged up on eir slacks, and settled to eir knees in front of her. ``Of course, May. Will you?'' -``Fuck it,'' he muttered, and stepped off the edge of the rock, arms folded over his chest, and plunged, feet first, into the water. +``I will be fine,'' she said, smiling. ``I am just a little worried today, is all.'' -The cold was enough to drive his breath from him. Even though there wasn't any snow this low down on the hillside, it was still cold out and even colder up-slope from whence the snow-melt came. He realized, too late, that another possibility for there not being any screaming from his boyfriend below was due to the frigid water. +``Any particular reason why?'' -All the same, there was nothing beneath his feet for at least another meter as he sank below the surface. +``I just am. I am trying to build trust, but\ldots{}'' She shrugged. -Thankful for small victories, he swam shakily for the surface, breaching the water with a shallow gasp and teeth already chattering. +``Want me to leave a fork behind?'' -End Waking floated closer, treading water. The skunk's smile was wide, but his teeth were clenched shut in a clear attempt to slow the shivering. ``Pleasant day out, is it not?'' +``Will they be intolerable and antsy?'' -``F-fuck you,'' Debarre said, laughing breathlessly. ``I'm getting up to the fire ASAP.'' +Ey laughed. ``Depends on how much pestering you do.'' -The skunk laughed, shoved at him weakly, and then swam for the shore, weasel in tow. +She lifted her snout enough to lick eir nose-tip, then shoved at em playfully. ``I am busy, my dear.'' -They slicked the water off themselves as best they could while walking. Fluffy as he was, End Waking had the larger job of it, spending most of the rest of the short trek back up the hill to the fire he'd built squeezing water out of his tail fur. +``You fork more than anyone I know, you could just--'' -Once there, they parked a meter or so before the fire and huddled beneath his woolen cloak, held open toward the flames, soaking up as much warmth as they could. +``I am trying to tell you to get out of here, Ioan,'' she said, grinning in earnest. ``Do not mind a little bit of anxiety. I am sorry that that spilled over. I will think on it and we will talk later. Good luck, have fun, and do not die, okay?'' -``That was fucking cold,'' Debarre said once he was able to speak without stammering. ``You're such an asshole, I can't believe I ever listen to you. Fine fucking way to ring in the new year.'' +Ey shook eir head and stood again, grabbing eir notebook. ``Skunks. I swear\ldots{}'' -``Yes, well, I love you too,'' End Waking said, grinning. ``Thank you for joining me, and for your help today.'' +Ey stepped out of the sim before she could kick eir shin. -They'd spent the afternoon building up a rammed earth wall for the skunk's new house, pulling sandy clay from the pile they'd brought up from the pond's shore the previous day, mixing in deer's blood as a binder before stacking it in a frame, and pounding it with logs sanded smooth and cut down to a diameter that fit comfortably in their paws. +Ey ordered eir usual coffee and staked out eir usual spot on the couch. Rather than getting to work while ey waited for True Name, ey simply sat and enjoyed eir coffee as best ey could, staring off into nothing while mulling over May's words. -Part of the ramming process had involved carefully setting the chimney pipe for the wood stove between the layers of earth as they built up. This had seemed an unnecessarily fiddly process despite the admonitions that, if the pipe crumpled beneath the sand, clay, and blood while they pounded it, the wall wouldn't be sturdy and there might be gaps. As it was, after they built up the rest of the tent, they'd have to seal that spot with more bloody earth and a layer of pitch. +\emph{You will be okay, yes?} -It had left them both feeling worn out and dirty, and when Debarre said he was going to wash the sticky earth from his paws and fur, End Waking had suggested turning that into the icy plunge. +Ey frowned and shifted eir gaze down to eir coffee, half gone by now. There were relatively few things that would bring about such anxiety in May, and ey knew the majority of them stemmed from within herself. -The skunk had then built up the fire higher than usual, told Debarre that they'd need to do so nude as he shed his clothes by the fire so they'd stay dry, and then pulled him along to the rock overhang. +She had occasionally gotten upset at em, usually when ey'd not picked up on some cue that she'd given for some emotional need ey wasn't meeting. In each case, she would express as best she could after the initial burst of anxiety. Her down-tree instance was another source, though that hatred she'd borne for so long had softened to something more like distaste of late. -Once their fronts were mostly dry, they turned out to face the waterfall and ravine, draping the cloak over their shoulders with their backs exposed to the fire, sitting in silence and leaning against each other, sharing warmth. +All of the other times, though, had come from within. Whatever dire emotions that dwelt beneath the chipper, goofy, sarcastic, and delightfully earnest layer that made up the most of her would peek through and a little spark of something more profound and inexplicable would come over her. -``Why don't you build your camp here?'' +Ey frowned down to eir coffee and considered whether ey should start laying in supplies in case she asked em to leave should waves of uncontrollable emotion take her, that `overflowing' that seemed to affect most—if not all—of the clade. If this was the first sign, though, ey at least had some time yet. -``The river may overflow, and come spring, the fall will be quite loud.'' +``Mx. Bălan?'' -Debarre grinned, ``Don't need the white noise?'' +Ey jolted and sat upright. True Name stood on the other side of the low table from em, not yet having made the move to sit. ``Sorry, True Name.'' -``Not particularly, though I am more concerned about flooding. I already had a tree fall on me while I slept, you will surely remember, and I do not feel the need to be carried away on dirty waters so soon after.'' +She smiled kindly and bowed. ``May I join you? You looked quite deep in thought, and I am happy to meet up at another time.'' -``Thanks for letting me back after that happened,'' he said, more quietly. ``And thanks for forking to fix your leg.'' +Returning the bow apologetically, ey gestured toward her usual spot on the couch. ``No, no. Sorry, I was a bit stuck up in my head. Could probably do with getting out more often.'' -``Of course, my dear. I do not know who else I would have called. And thank you for your patience during my solitude.'' +The skunk nodded and sat, blinking a cone of silence into being. She lapped at a bit of the whipped cream atop her mocha to get down to the drink. ``I quite understand. Bit too cooped up of late?'' -Debarre nodded and slid an arm around the skunk's waist. ``I'm used to it by now. Besides, \#Tracker had a larger merge than usual to deal with.'' +``A little, I guess. Heads down, maybe. End of the year performances, helping May write a monologue, working on my own next project.'' -``That is what happens when I steal a version of you away and then aliens visit one of the LVs. I will accept half of the blame.'' He smiled, adding, ``Perhaps less than half. You had your own stuff going on.'' +She grinned. ``Plenty on your plate, then. May I ask how May Then My Name is doing?'' -``Well, \#Tracker did.'' He snorted, shook his head. ``It's what I get for only part of me hanging around interesting people.'' +``Oh, she's alright.'' -``Am I so boring, my dear?'' +Ey must have hesitated before responding or not kept eir own anxiety out of eir voice, as True Name's expression fell. ``Say hi for me?'' -He shook his head. ``No, just plain. Your life is pretty simple out here. \#Tracker is still all caught up on all the political stuff with user11824 and Yared.'' +Ey nodded. ``Of course.'' -End Waking made a face. ``Gross.'' +``I am also curious to hear about her monologue. It is something I remember thinking about occasionally and yet never got around to doing. I am pleased that one of us is.'' -``They aren't \emph{that} bad,'' he said, laughing. +That also felt like a closed topic given its context of being purpose-built, so ey shook eir head. ``I'm not comfortable talking about that without her permission. Sorry, True Name.'' -``They are fine, I am sure,'' the skunk said. ``You may keep the political stuff, though.'' +She smiled disarmingly and held up her free paw. ``Of course, Ioan, no trouble. Can you tell me about your own project, perhaps?'' -``I mean, that's why I'm out here. It's good to get away from all that bullshit.'' +Ey opened eir mouth, closed it again, then laughed. ``I feel like I laid a bunch of conversational landmines around me. Hopefully it's not uncomfortable, but with all that went down on Castor, I've been toying with rewriting \emph{On the Perils of Memory} as a play.'' -``Oh, so you are using me for a vacation, then?'' +The skunk got a strange look on her face, then laughed. ``Oh really? Cheeky! I do not know if I will be able to make it to a performance, but I will be delighted to read the script, if you wind up publishing it.'' -Debarre laughed and poked at End Waking's thigh. ``Where'd this sense of humor come from?'' +Ey laughed as well, more relieved than anything. ``I'll make sure you get a copy, then. Was worried you'd be upset by it.'' -``The audacity of weasels never ceases to amaze,'' he said. ``I have a sense of humor. The squirrels and I share our private jokes. I practice them before the fire.'' +She waved her paw dismissively. ``Of course not, my dear. That whole kerfuffle was, what, forty years ago? Forty-five? It has been comfortably relegated to memory and is thus fair game for artists.'' -``Fucking weirdo,'' Debarre said, rolling his eyes. He tucked closer to the skunk all the same. +Nodding, ey finished eir coffee and set the cup down on the table so ey could pull out eir notebook and get to writing. -That End Waking was so open to touch over the last few weeks was something he was keen to take advantage of. Neither of them were necessarily the cuddly type, and most of the time, he was happy with the level of physical contact he got from the skunk, just as he was with the partners his other forks had settled down with. Still, it was nice every once and a while. A bit of touch to keep him grounded. It tended to happen when their relationship picked up again, after both of them had spent months or years apart, each living their separate, more cerebral lives. +Ey worked for a few minutes. They both did, if True Name's thoughtful gaze up into nothing was anything to go by. Ey'd wound eir way past all those conversational mines—May, her monologue, the play about Qoheleth—and now felt free to relax into the afternoon. -Before long, however, they set the cloak aside to get dressed, and Debarre watched as End Waking prepped a sizeable hare and pushed it onto a cast-iron spit and set it over the fire, a tilted pan beneath it catching the drippings. +``You know,'' the skunk said thoughtfully, bringing em out of eir writing. ``I was quite pleased when that book came out.'' -They dined on the hare and squash roasted in the fat, both pungent with thyme. They stayed up until it was well and truly dark, chatting. +``What, \emph{Perils}?'' -Worn out as they were, though, they didn't last much longer, eventually retreating to the makeshift tent that End Waking had set up using the patched fabric that had been his previous shelter strung over a rope and draped over his recovered cot. Narrow as it was, they had to huddle close—the only time the skunk was consistently okay with close physical contact and intimacy—sharing each others' warmth beneath the cloak and a few blankets besides. +She nodded. ``It was something of a relief in a strange, roundabout way. While I would have preferred that it had not ended the way it did, it wound up being a pretty efficient way to bring all of that to the surface. A lot of very smart people have been thinking about it over the last few decades, and I am pleased to see some progress being made, especially on the therapeutic side.'' -``E.W.?'' +Ioan tilted eir head thoughtfully. ``Sounds like, yeah. At least, from what I hear from May and Codrin. A Finger Pointing has been pretty tight-lipped about her own therapy and I don't think End Waking went along with it.'' -``I like it when you call me that.'' +``He does not seem the type, no.'' -``I'm a sucker for nicknames,'' he said, tucking himself back against him. +``Is it working out well for you, too?'' -``That you are.'' He rested his snout over Debarre's shoulder. ``What were you going to say, my love?'' +``Well enough,'' she said. ``Though I am not comfortable discussing beyond that.'' -``I\ldots well, all these little changes are coming to the System. The ACL changes, the cones of silence\ldots{}'' +Ey nodded. ``Right, sorry.'' -``I do not use those.'' +``It is alright. Thank you for understanding.'' She raised her cup towards em in a small toast. ``As to your book, however, I found it most interesting in that I was able to learn much about the assessment and impact of the events on the\ldots ah, liberal side of the clade.'' -``Well, but you never leave here and you gave up on all the politics.'' +Ioan had to focus on keeping eir expression neutral. True Name hadn't always had the kindest of words for the self-proclaimed liberal Odists. ``I'll admit, I was worried as to how the book would go over with the conservatives.'' -``This is by design.'' +``There were no assassins in the night, I trust?'' she asked, grinning. -Debarre laughed, shaking his head. ``I'm just worried about so many changes in so short a time.'' +``Uh\ldots well, no,'' ey stammered, caught off guard by the humor. ``Actually, no contact at all. I don't think I've even talked about what happened with the other side of the clade until now.'' -``How so?'' +``\,`The other side of the clade' is a more appropriate phrase, is it not? We are spread along a spectrum. Those like Dear, May Then My Name, and Hammered Silver at one end, those such as Praiseworthy, Those Who Forge, and Teeth Of Death somewhere in the middle, and then me and my ilk on the other. Death Itself and her stanza, out of all of us, seemed to have escaped that spectrum.'' The skunk finished her drink sitting in a silence for a minute, an acknowledgement of the losses from that stanza, then leaned forward to set her cup down before continuing. ``To soothe any fears you may have, it was not me who hired Guōweī, nor am I pleased with what happened and how.'' -``I dunno,'' Debarre mumbled. ``I just think there's a lot of subtle things—more like the little stuff May Then My Name talks about—and I'm worried those will break or disappear.'' +``Who did? Do you know?'' -End Waking hummed thoughtfully. ``They have survived Secession and Launch.'' +She smiled pityingly at em. ``Ioan, please.'' -``Yeah, but those were political things, right? Not technological things.'' +``Right, of course you do. I don't imagine you feel comfortable telling me who, though.'' -``You are worried external engineers will tamper?'' +``It is not a matter of comfort, my dear, it is one of information hygiene. The fewer people who know, the less of a chance there is of plans going awry. Besides,'' she nodded toward em. ``We considered the impact that \emph{Perils} would have on the System, and leaving that element of mystery in it accomplished our goals.'' -He nodded. +``Goals?'' Ey shook eir head. ``How do you mean?'' -``I do not know that they have a good enough understanding of the subtleties to do so. The System is greater than the sum of its component parts.'' +The skunk folded her paws in her lap, leaning back against the couch. ``What would you say the current public opinion is of the book?'' -``Well, maybe not intentionally changing things. Just knock on effects, maybe.'' \emph{Or maybe internal politics encouraging changes,} he added mentally. +``I\ldots well, hmm. If you'd asked me that a few weeks ago, I wouldn't have been able to say, but I've been digging back into it for this project. I guess most seem to see it as a sort of cautionary tale. I didn't publish the internal report, so I think the fact that it read like investigative journalism made people treat it almost like a work of fiction.'' -``I imagine they will be careful, even around the subtle things.'' +``Yes, and mystery plays a role in that. This is why we suggested you not publish the clade-side report. There is an appropriate level of mystery in what you did publish that aligned with our goals.'' -They lay silent for a while, Debarre thinking and, if the slow slackening of his arm around his chest was any indication, End Waking slowly falling asleep. +``So, similar to what you and Jonas did with the \emph{History}.'' -``E.W.?'' he whispered. +There was the briefest flicker of a wince on the skunk's face at the mention of Jonas, quickly mastered. She replaced it with a smile and gave a hint of a bow. ``Yes. In a relatively short time, both have started to fade into a near mythical status. A credit to your skills as a writer, Mx. Bălan.'' -``Mm?'' A sleepy reply. +Ey smiled warily. ``Thanks. Why, though?'' -``Do you still feel em? Like, at night sometimes. Like a dream or something.'' +``Why are they becoming myths?'' She shrugged. ``Life on the System is shaped by the modes of our existence. Creativity has assumed a level of primacy that was not feasible phys-side, and so successful creative works accelerate more quickly toward myth, here.'' -There was a long, long silence before the skunk replied. ``Sleep, my love. There is work to do in the morning. Sleep, and dream beautiful dreams.'' +Ey nodded. ``And you? What do you think of it?'' + +``Of \emph{Perils}?'' + +``That, the possible play, the events as a whole.'' + +There was a moment of quiet as the skunk thought, brushing a paw over one of her knees to smooth out her slacks. ``With the understanding that there is much that I cannot tell you about my feelings on the proceedings, I found it all frustrating and unnerving. I worked with Qoheleth on several occasions throughout the years, and watching his\ldots I will not say decline, as I think the analogy does not hold, but his metamorphosis from Odist to Qoheleth touched on some primal distress. As I have said, I am not pleased with what happened or how. I liked him quite a bit.'' + +This seemed to deserve another moment of silence, one of acknowledgement rather than thoughtfulness, and so ey let it play out, the muffled clatter of the rest of the cafe coming through the cone of silence suddenly much more present. + +``What news from Castor had you thinking about \emph{Perils}?'' + +``I'm sorry?'' + +``Well, I do not associate aliens or time modification or the\ldots ah, struggles that Answers Will Not Help experienced with what happened with Qoheleth.'' + +Eir mind raced. How could ey possibly bring up the Name? That Codrin now knew it and that knowledge—at least at one layer of remove—had propagated through the clade? Surely she knew that, at least, but how could ey say that out loud to her? + +``Mx. Bălan?'' True Name was frowning, whether at eir silence or expression ey couldn't guess. ``I am guessing that the answer is complicated.'' + +``It\ldots uh, yeah. What Codrin heard on Artemis\ldots I mean\ldots{}'' + +The skunk tilted her head, gestured for em to continue. + +\emph{Doesn't she know?} ey thought. \emph{She has to. Is she faking it?} + +``Well,'' ey stammered, hastily backtracking through eir train of thought. Perhaps ey should feign ignorance as well if that was indeed what she was doing. ``All that about getting lost, and how fourthrace experienced similar and also dealt with long-term effects.'' + +Still frowning, she nodded. + +``It was all bound up in some clade-eyes-only thoughts,'' ey hastened to add, hoping that the slight untruth would be enough. ``Eir worries about Dear, Death Itself\ldots but I don't want to say any more.'' + +That seemed to have been enough, as the tenseness that had been building in her shoulders relaxed, though her frown remained. ``Of course, yes, I did not mean to press. My apologies.'' + +Ey shook eir head and waved a hand. ``It's okay, I just had to disentangle all those thoughts really quickly.'' + +``You are a very thoughtful person,'' she said, a hint of a smile creeping back onto her muzzle. ``In the common sense as well as in the sense that you seem to be at all times full of thoughts.'' + +``I lost track of the number of times May's accused me of living up in my head a long time ago, yeah.'' + +``There is no harm in it, my dear. It serves you well.'' She settled back against the couch once more and sighed. ``Pleasant as it has been, I have spent more time talking than intended. I would like to get a bit of work done before I lose track of the threads, if that is alright.'' + +Ey smiled and nodded. ``Of course, True Name.'' + +As the skunk's focus drifted away, ey opened eir notebook again and stared at what ey'd written already. The words were marks on the page, ey could tell, but eir mind was so wrapped up in the conversation that ey wasn't able to make sense of them. Too much had gone on in too short a timespan. All that talk of Qoheleth, of the conservatives' opinions of the events, or at least of True Name's. + +She'd been so candid about it all, just as she'd been growing more candid with em in general over the last few years. She had all the reason in the world to use her centuries of skills intentionally, though. Ey'd never met anyone so tightly in control of themself as her. Perhaps even now, dozens, hundreds of sensorium messages were flying across her stanza preparing a soft landing for eir play in light of the fact that others now knew the Name. + +And yet\ldots{} + +And yet ey couldn't stop emself from thinking, \emph{Holy shit, I don't think she knows.} diff --git a/mitzvot/content/006.tex b/mitzvot/content/006.tex index 6feccec..2efaa3e 100644 --- a/mitzvot/content/006.tex +++ b/mitzvot/content/006.tex @@ -1,137 +1,237 @@ \begin{center}\rule{0.5\linewidth}{0.5pt}\end{center} -As usual, Debarre woke alone. End Waking would doubtless be somewhere in the woods, checking snare traps or walking or simply sitting on a rock thinking, having slipped away at first light, quietly and carefully enough not to wake him. Still, they'd gone to bed early enough that the horizon down the hill had only just let go of the sun. +Ioan half lay, half slouched against the headboard with May draped bonelessly up along eir front. She'd gotten up to make them both coffee to drink in bed, then proceeded to doze off again, using eir chest as a pillow and the rest of em as a mattress. -He slipped out of bed and into his pants—black denim traded in for a dirty green canvas—splashed some water on his face from the barrel nearby, and started the trek back out to the rock where they'd set the fire, figuring that'd be the most likely place to find his boyfriend. +Ey, meanwhile, had made it through most of eir coffee, resting the cup between the skunk's shoulder blades between sips. It was technically Christmas, though neither of them cared much for the holiday. Michelle Hadje had been raised vaguely Jewish and Ioan the particular blend of spiritual humanism that pervaded Eastern Europe at the time, but both had been well-steeped in the broader secular Christian culture of the West. That meant it was the day for the \emph{tocană} and \emph{mămăligă} that had become tradition for them. Ey hadn't learned to cook much prior to uploading—just a few simple dishes for a poor student—and it wasn't until ey had wound up on the System in eir current sim that ey'd gone back to teach emself all the things ey'd loved growing up. -End Waking was indeed there, crouching before a low fire with a pot for coffee already set above it, but another skunk knelt across from him as well, chatting quietly. +It promised to be a lazy sort of day otherwise, which felt necessary. May's spike of anxiety when ey'd gone out for eir meeting with True Name a few days prior had quickly tapered off, but it had not simply gone away. The days that followed had included a lot of asking em if ey was okay and taking breaks to sit and look out the picture windows, lost in thought. -``Hey May Then My Name,'' he said, settling down beside her. ``Whatcha doing here?'' +Still, last night had been delightful, with the skunk far more relaxed while they cooked—or tried to cook—shitty fast food for each other. After dinner, they moved to the couch with Ioan resting eir head in May's lap so that she could tease her fingers through eir thick hair while they hummed silly little songs to each other. -The skunk started, grinned wide, and leaned in to hug around his shoulders. ``Jesus, Debarre, you taking lessons from End Waking? Scared the hell out of me, sneaking up like that.'' +Today promised to be equally comfortable. -He laughed and returned the hug before reaching for the coffee pot. ``Maybe it's contagious.'' +Ey frowned when ey lifted eir mug, only to find it empty. Equally comfortable but for that, ey supposed. -``Can you imagine a disease so miserable?'' the other skunk said, waving the weasel back from the coffee pot. ``Our guest here finished what was left. You will have to wait, my dear.'' +``I'm going to drink your coffee, May.'' -``Sorry,'' she said, holding her battered enamel mug out to Debarre. ``You can have the other half.'' +``If you do, I will pin you down and pluck your eyebrows bald,'' she mumbled, slowly lifting her head and reaching out toward her mug on the nightstand. -``Nah, go ahead. I'll wait. You never told me what you're doing here, though.'' +``That's a new one. Sounds painful.'' -She stuck her tongue out at him. ``Am I not allowed to be a pest? That is my role in life.'' +``Add it to the list,'' she said after she was able to get at least a few sips in. -``'Course you are, just that usually you're a pest with news.'' +``One day, they're going to find my body, clearly smothered to death, my eyebrows fully plucked, sand in my shoes, cracker crumbs in my bed, all of my pens un-capped, all of my book pages dog-eared, with skunk fur in all the food,'' ey said, laughing. ``I'm pretty sure they'll know it was you.'' -``Fine, fine, yes,'' she said. ``It can wait until after coffee, though. How are you, Debarre? I was not expecting you to be back just yet.'' +She lifted her chin to park it on eir shoulder. ``Mm, well, it is a risk I am willing to take.'' -``It is my fault,'' her cocladist said. ``A tree fell on me back around--'' +Ey tilted eir head to give the top of her own a kiss. An awkward affair, but worth it. ``You stay up too late again?'' -``\emph{What?!}'' +She shrugged. -He shrugged. ``There was a wind storm late last year and a tree fell across my tent. It crushed the frame and floor, knocked over the back wall, and impaled my thigh on a splintered board.'' +``Well, you're a pretty cozy blanket, if a little too warm, so I guess I'll allow it.'' -She brought her paws up to cover her muzzle, eyes wide. +Lifting her snout, she licked at eir shoulder, getting a laugh out of em. ``Whereas you, my dear, are not a very good pillow. Just chock full of bones.'' -``I am okay,'' he said, smiling disarmingly. ``But I asked Debarre to return to help me rebuild.'' +``I need those to live.'' -``He didn't want to fork to fix his leg,'' the weasel said, rolling his eyes. +``Lame,'' she drawled. After a moment, she added thoughtfully, ``I am glad that you have skin, though. It would be quite disgusting without.'' -``I do not fork often, you know that.'' +``Eugh. As am I.'' Ey leaned over to grab her coffee cup and steal a sip, threats be damned. ``I'm still surprised you didn't wind up with another furry, though. Figured that would be more your style.'' -``There was a plank through your leg, E.W.,'' he retorted. ``That wasn't just going to heal okay on its own.'' +``I wind up with people that I like, whether they have fur or not.'' She shrugged. ``Which is not to say that I have not wound up with other furries.'' -It was the skunk's turn to roll his eyes. ``You are no fun.'' +``I'm not complaining. You're soft.'' -May Then My Name, having finally regained her composure, said, ``Well, thank you, Debarre.'' +``To be fair, that is what I like about you having skin. Skin is soft as well. Were you a furry, though, what species would you be?'' -Debarre nodded. +Ey pet along her back, thinking. ``I don't know. I've only really had extensive interactions with skunks, foxes, and weasels. Maybe a squirrel?'' -She sighed, smiling weakly at End Waking. ``I am glad you are okay, skunk. I would be lost without you. +She rolled off eir front and sat up eagerly. ``A squirrel? Really? Would you be one of those fancy red ones with the ear tufts and outrageous tails or one of the gray ones that were all over where I grew up?'' -``The trees do not know how to kill me, May Then My Name,'' End Waking said, frowning. ``There is no virus within them. Debarre was right to get me to fork to fix, I will admit, but I would have done so anyway had it landed more fully on me.'' +A quick query of the perisystem archive gave em a good idea of what each might look like. ``The red ones sound really ostentatious. I don't know if I could pull that off.'' -When all that greeted this was silence, he sighed and let his shoulders slump. ``I am sorry. I have set up the new camp in a location with sturdier trees. I will endeavor to remain cautious.'' +She retrieved her coffee mug from em and settled in beside em instead. ``Yes, but the \emph{tail,}'' she whined. ``Come on, my dear. You would simply \emph{have} to be a red squirrel. You dress all fancy, even!'' -May Then My Name crawled around the fire to dot her nose against the skunk's cheek. He looked uncomfortable, but tolerated the touch. +``Are they bigger than skunk tails?'' -``Thank you, my dear,'' she said. ``I do not mean to lecture. I am just\ldots well, if the coffee is ready, please pour yourself a cup, Debarre, and we will talk.'' +She looked thoughtful for a moment, then shrugged. ``Solid competition.'' -Once they'd settled back down and the kettle was replaced with a pot to cook oatmeal, she began, ``To preface, this is nothing serious, I just need to talk with someone who is not Ioan.'' +``I can't picture anything having a bigger tail than you, May. Definitely outrageous.'' -``Why?'' End Waking asked. +``I thought you liked my tail.'' -``You will see. That is also part of it.'' +``I do!'' -He nodded. +``Excellent, I shall allow you to live another day.'' She laughed and dotted her nose against eir cheek. ``I had considered becoming a panther for some time, but I am too attached to my tail.'' -``I am not even sure that it is actionable.'' She sighed, shrugged. ``I have just been thinking about True Name a lot of late.'' +``Or it is to you.'' -End Waking sat, conspicuously impassive, while Debarre shook his head. ``Why? I thought you'd basically agreed to never talk again.'' +She snorted, rolled her eyes. -``We have not spoken; at least, not more than a few cordial words in passing. However, Ioan has been meeting up with her for coffee once a month since the first news of the Artemisians.'' +``You know, I've always wondered,'' ey said, getting an arm around her. ``Why did the most political stanza of the clade stay skunks? Wouldn't it be more effective to be humans? It's not like the majority of folks on the Systems are furries.'' -He and End Waking both tilted their heads. +``Only three of the ten are skunks anymore, and you have met all three. Besides, I think End Waking is the only one of the three of us who has not spent time in human form. Some of me in other relationships were—or perhaps are—humans. I spent six months with you in that form, even, remember?'' -``Ey has been ensuring that things remain polite and smooth between us.'' She held up a paw to forestall any comments, adding quickly, ``I trust em in this. Ey is simply meeting her at a coffee shop where they each work on their own projects. They chat a little, and then do their own things. Ey describes it as `friendly coworkers' more than anything, which I believe.'' +Ey nodded. ``It was pretty weird.'' -``Is that a thing that even needs to be done?'' Debarre said. ``Wasn't she just leaving you alone before?'' +``For both of us, yes. I like being what I am. Short, soft, furry, chubby,'' she said, poking at her belly. ``It is just that these are all things that are disarming to a great many people. Even skunks, despite their reputation for smelling bad, are often seen as bumbling, stupid creatures.'' -``Yes, thankfully. It is just\ldots{}'' She frowned, poking at the packed earth with a claw. ``That has been necessary to prevent anger, but it has still not been comfortable. There are plenty of people who I no longer see and do not miss, or do miss and think about with some frequency. It was such an uneasy silence.'' +``I wouldn't call you stupid, May. Bumbling, though\ldots{}'' -``And you think Ioan's doing the right thing?'' +She rolled her eyes. ``Thank you, I think? But yes, even bumbling is a calculated gesture to be inoffensive.'' -``Ey is,'' End Waking said. ``Ey is ensuring that there remains a distance between you two without it being an unbridged distance. That would just leave you to stew, knowing how you work. You would never let it go and spin yourself into a whirlwind of emotion. The Bălans are perhaps a little awkward at times, but they do not lack all social graces.'' +``End Waking said similar.'' Ey dug through eir exocortices until ey came up with the memory of the conversation. ``He said it was a matter of intent.'' -May Then My Name rubbed her paws over her face. ``I knooow,'' she whined. ``And I love em for thinking of that.'' +``It is, yes. I am sure that some of the wider clade who remain skunks do so without a second thought, but that is not how True Name worked, and so it is not how we work.'' -``You just still resent her,'' the other skunk said. +``And she did that for the same reasons? To be inoffensive?'' -``Yes.'' +She nodded. ``In a way. At first, she could not be anything but, as that is how she was forked, but she kept it because of the way the Council worked. She was a skunk, Debarre was a weasel, Ezekiel spent half the time looking like a shambling pile of dirty rags and the other half like an unhoused man, and user11824 looked like the least remarkable person possible, as though your eyes simply slid right off of him. The ethos of the Council was to be just ordinary people who were weird before uploading and remained weird after.'' -``I know you said it probably isn't actionable,'' Debarre said, poking at the fire with a stick. ``But what would you change about the situation?'' +``Jonas wasn't that weird when I met him.'' -``As in `in a perfect world'?'' +She made a sour face. ``But everything that he did was intentional. Every aspect of his appearance and personality.'' -``Right, yeah. Perfect world, what would you like?'' +Ey nodded. -She frowned, watching End Waking dote over the oatmeal, dumping a pawful of dried fruit into it. Eventually, she said, ``I do not know. She has apologized and done what I have requested. She has changed, too, from what Ioan has said. She is trying to be more earnest and willing to engage emotionally. She has been seeing Sarah as well.'' +``But I think True Name kept it after the Council disbanded for much the same reasons. She is a furry because there are plenty of furries on the System. She remains in her early thirties because that is what one expects out of those on the System. She is not unattractive among furries, maintaining that soft figure and well kept appearance without heading towards sex-symbol because that is what many on the System wind up doing. She is professional, I am cute, End Waking is the sad and introspective one, and so on.'' -Debarre nodded. ``But it sounds like that's not it.'' +``Right, that makes sense.'' Ey hesitated, composing eir next words carefully. ``You talk about her quite a bit. I know that--'' -``No.~I think what is missing is contrition. She has apologized for what she has done to me and Ioan and has maybe even begun to make changes. I do not know how to put it, but it feels like she is being earnest without being sincere. She is sorry, but not contrite. She does not feel bad for what she has done. Her apologies are not backed by understanding.'' +``You asked, Ioan,'' she interrupted, frowning. -``There is no penance,'' End Waking said plainly, dishing out the oatmeal into the mugs they'd been using for coffee. ``True penance is borne out of feeling bad about what one has done and wanting to change, to make up for it, not merely about responding to how others are reacting.'' +``I know, May, I just mean in general. I know you're consciously working on how you feel about her and I keep bringing her up besides. Just an observation.'' -May Then My Name toyed with her oatmeal. ``Yes. Maybe she does and just does not know how to show it. I just do not know how to truly believe that.'' +The moment of tenseness lingered, then passed as she wilted against em, sighing. ``I know. I did not mean to get short with you. You are right, and I am not sure how I feel about that fact, that she is so often on my mind. My feelings remain complex.'' -``Worried she's just acting?'' Debarred said, blowing on a still vigorously steaming spoonful of oats. +``Oh, I definitely get that.'' -``Perhaps. That was ever the dilemma of us going into theatre. Did we love it or did we merely want to become someone else? To hide from who we were?'' +``You seem to enjoy her company more.'' -``Be wary of your pessimism,'' End Waking said. ``It takes attention and effort, May Then My Name, at least when one has intentionally tamped down emotions to the point that she has. If I could teach her, if either of us could teach her, I think we would, but I do not know that one can learn penance from anyone but oneself.'' +Ey shrugged. ``I guess. It started out as a way to keep things smooth between our clades during the convergence, but now it's just a thing to do outside the house.'' -She nodded, looking distracted and thoughtful. ``If it were as simple as merging down\ldots{}'' +``Coffee dates are good,'' she said, nodding. -End Waking stiffened, frowned around his bite of breakfast. +``I don't know if I'd call them dates. No romance, there.'' -She smiled to him apologetically. ``Sorry, I will stop for now. Thank you both for listening to me bitch.'' +The skunk laughed and shook her head. ``Just an expression.'' -``It's fine, skunk,'' Debarre said. ``I think E.W. is right that Ioan's doing the right thing. It takes some pressure off of you and lets it\ldots I dunno, be a process or something. You don't have to do anything now 'cause you've got an opening to deal with it.'' +``Oh, right.'' Ey shrugged. ``She's just like\ldots a coworker one is friends with. There are contexts that I enjoy her company in, but it's not like I'm inviting her over for the holidays.'' -``Yes, well put. Thank you, my dear,'' she said. ``I will process as best I can. I do not suppose either of you have talked to her recently?'' +``Which is good,'' she said, grinning. ``I am sure that I will get to the point where she and I can coexist in the same space without either of us pulling each other's fur out, but sharing Christmas dinner with her would be far too much.'' -They both shook their heads. +Ey nodded and tightened eir arm around her, kissing between her ears. ``Same, I think. Thanks for reminding me, though. I should probably get up and get that started.'' -``Right, I thought not. That's enough of the topic for now, anyway.'' She waved a paw and took a bite of oatmeal, then pulled a face. ``We need to get you some sugar or something.'' +They both slid out of the bed to complete their morning tasks: Ioan to make another pot of coffee and prepare breakfast while May went through her grooming routine, eating, then a shower for em while she worked on her monologue. -Debarre laughed. ``She's right, E.W. I've gotten used to it, but only just barely.'' +The dinner itself wasn't exactly onerous. A stew of beef—ey'd been raised on a version with lamb, which May hadn't liked—tomatoes, and mushrooms in a garlicky, paprika-filled gravy served with polenta. Still, it benefited from a longer cooking time, so ey began that after eir shower and set it to \mbox{simmering}. -``Fucking lame,'' he drawled. ``My sim, my rules. You must suffer without.'' +After that, they set some music to playing—the overlap of what they both enjoyed wasn't large, given the more than a century's age difference, but piano jazz seemed to work for both of them—and set to work on whatever it was that was occupying their minds. -May Then My Name flicked some oatmeal from her spoon at him. ``Call me lame, will you.'' +Or tried to, at least. -He grinned toothily, picking the bit of oatmeal off his shirt sleeve and adding it to his mug. +Their conversation this morning as well as eir meeting with True Name a few days prior left Ioan in mind of skunks and the Ode clade, and even though those both featured quite heavily in the stage adaptation of \emph{On the Perils of Memory}, nothing ey tried seemed quite in the right vein. -``Either way, my root instance is back at home, so I can stay as long as I like. Would you like some help, at least?'' +Ey flipped to a blank sheet of paper and began a letter, instead. -``If you can swing a hammer, then yes, that would be wonderful.'' +\begin{quote} +True Name, + +I hope all is well. + +After our conversation a few days ago, as well as another that I had with May this morning, I got to thinking about a pattern I've noticed, and wanted to ask you about it. I hope it's not too impertinent of me. If it's too sensitive a topic, I understand. + +I've noticed that you and May have a tendency to talk about each other quite a bit. I know that there are a lot of factors that go into this such as my relationships with each of you, your shared history, and the fact that I have a habit of asking each of you about the other in turn. + +All the same, I was wondering if you had any thoughts on the matter. I don't want to sound meddlesome (indeed, I don't think I'd even be capable of meddling with either of you), I just want to better understand each of you in turn, given the dynamics between us. + +I know it's not a huge deal for either of our clades, but all the same, Merry Christmas. + +Best, + +Ioan +\end{quote} + +Ey read through the letter top to bottom three times, then, with a brush of the hand and a bit of intent, sent it on its way. + +Doing eir best to forget about it until the other skunk responded, ey puttered around the house, checking on the stew, trying out a new ink in one of eir pens, and rehearsing some lines in a cone of silence. + +A bit more than two hours after ey'd sent the message, a reply spooled itself out of eir desk and into eir field of view. + +\begin{center} +\textbf{IOAN BĂLAN INDIVIDUAL-EYES-ONLY MATERIAL} +\end{center} + +\begin{quote} +Mx. Bălan, + +Thank you for your letter. Had we discussed this in person or over sensorium messages, I think that my responses would be quite different, but the intentionality that is required when engaging with writing forced me to think this through more clearly. + +You are correct in assuming that it is you being our shared connection rather than any direct link between the two of us that leads to each of us discussing the other with you frequently. I do not think that this is worth discounting, however, as many know of each other only through one mutual acquaintance and yet do not talk constantly of each other to that one one person between them. It is still notable that we discuss one another as much as we do. + +I have spent the last hour in discussion with myself while writing this, and would like this reply kept in confidence. + +Years ago, when the Artemisians first arrived, May Then My Name mentioned a letter that I had sent her regarding you. I am not normally in the habit of sharing the tools of my trade, such as they are, and sharing this with you in particular is uncomfortable. However you of all people—a friend and someone deeply entangled with the clade—deserve to have the chance to read it, and it may do well to explain where we have found ourselves. Here is that letter in full: + +\begin{quote} +May Then My Name Die With Me, + +I hope that you are doing well. I understand that there remains some concern about the outcome of your previous relationship, and I would like you to know that I am not so far diverged from our common ancestor that I do not share in some of those feelings. I remember how often I would come crying into the Crown, leaning on this shoulder or that as I tried to deal with yet another break-up. I know that I have not always been the kindest or most empathetic down-tree instance, for which I truly am sorry. You are, in many ways, a better version of me, and the completeness that you bring to our stanza ensures that, even if I am not a fully realized person as you have suggested in the past, we—whether that is you and I, our stanza, or the Odists as a whole—still do add up to something that is greater than the sum of its parts. You may not believe me, and for that I do not blame you, but I really do love you in my own way, May Then My Name. + +I do not know if you have been keeping up with many other stanzas after Qoheleth quit, but it appears that Dear, Also, The Tree That Was Felled has welcomed a new member to its relationship structure, one Codrin Bălan. I am sure that you recognize the clade name from \emph{On The Perils of Memory}. Codrin's down-tree instance, Ioan Bălan, was the amanuensis that Dear had chosen during that spate of trouble, and the series of events that followed led to a process of individuation. It is always exciting to see that happen, is it not? + +The reason that I bring this up is that Ioan has picked up as eir next project an investigative piece surrounding the launch project. Given your role as sys-side launch director, I thought that I would put you two in touch. Eir project would benefit greatly from your position as well as your history, both with the project and with our time on the System. I have had the chance to interact with both Ioan and Codrin in the past, and they are some of the most delightful, insightful people that I have met. Please look them up when you get a chance. + +All my best, + +The Only Time I Know My True Name Is When I Dream of the Ode clade + +systime 197+3 +\end{quote} + +That night, when she brought up this message, she mentioned that she believed me when I said that I love her in my own way. + +I understand the root of her feelings towards me and, as I also mentioned on that night, I do not begrudge her that. I will ever be what I am, and what that is does not mesh well with her view of the world, even as it is integral to my existence. + +Just as she said that she still believes me, it is also true that I still love her. Codrin reported that Why Ask Questions said, ``I have yet to meet a single person who has not fallen at least a little in love with May.'' There is perhaps a little bit of that involved in my own inescapably me way, but beyond that I love her as the version of me that I did not become. + +Were you to ask me at the time, or even just a year ago, I do not think that I would have admitted such aloud, but even as I suspect that she is working on her thoughts about me with Ms.~Genet, I have been working with Ms.~Genet on my ability to be truly earnest with those I respect, which includes you. + +I do not hold regrets for the path that has led us to this point. I have accomplished much that I set out to do, and, while the cost has been great when it comes to my interpersonal relationships (and, as you mentioned, my stress levels), it all very much still feels worth it. + +Consciously or not, I make it a point to ask you how she is doing and to engage with her at one degree of remove because this is still a way to maintain that level of connection with someone I could have been after so long a time of disconnect. + +Writing this has been both stressful and cathartic, so I appreciate having the chance to do so. While communications with my counterparts on Castor and Pollux have been somewhat scant of late, both of them have mentioned that they are striving to find situations in which they can be vulnerable and earnest. As I am sure you understand, this is still quite difficult for us. + +Let us meet up on Secession Day for our next coffee date. Is 11:00 amenable? It can be a small celebration of our own. + +I wish you and her both a delightful holiday. If you are comfortable bringing up the topic of me with her today and would like to get a laugh out of her, please say simply, ``Jingle Bells stage blocking.'' + +Sincerely, + +The Only Time I Know My True Name Is When I Dream of the Ode clade + +systime 225+359 +\end{quote} + +\begin{center} +\textbf{END IOAN BĂLAN INDIVIDUAL-EYES-ONLY MATERIAL} +\end{center} + +Ey read the letter through a few more times, trying to digest all that it contained, trying to square this with what May had said of True Name steering her subtly into eir life, trying once again not to read too deep and guess that True Name\#Castor simply hadn't told her about Codrin learning the Name. + +Finally, acknowledging that ey wouldn't be able to digest it all in one go, ey dashed off a quick reply thanking True Name for the letter and confirming the time of the next meeting. Then, ey committed the letter to a new exo ey tagged ``True Name--May 225'' and destroyed the physical copy. + +``May?'' ey said, dropping eir cone of silence. + +``Mm?'' + +``I was confirming a date with True Name and she said I should ask you about something called `Jingle Bells stage blocking'. Do you know--'' + +The skunk let out a melodramatic groan and slid off her stool to the floor, landing on her hands and knees before flopping onto her side, laughing. ``What a fucking brat.'' + +Ey stared at her, nonplussed. + +``Oh God, Ioan, you do not know pain until you work with choir kids.'' + +Ey laughed and shook eir head, leaning forward to ruffle over her ears. It was a much more pleasant response to a note from True Name than ey'd expected. ``You're right, I don't. I'll just have to trust you on that. Skunks are so weird.'' diff --git a/mitzvot/content/007.tex b/mitzvot/content/007.tex index cead8e1..46e20c5 100644 --- a/mitzvot/content/007.tex +++ b/mitzvot/content/007.tex @@ -1,181 +1,135 @@ -\hypertarget{ioan-bux103lan-2350}{% -\chapter{Ioan Bălan — 2350}\label{ioan-bux103lan-2350}} -\markboth{Ioan Bălan — 2350}{} +\hypertarget{debarre-2350}{% +\chapter{Debarre — 2350}\label{debarre-2350}} +\markboth{Debarre — 2350}{} -Through some stroke of luck or perhaps some forgetful nature, it was perpetually early summer at Arrowhead Lake, that abandoned mountain sim Ioan and May had long ago adopted. Whether or not winter had socked them in at home, they could at least take a summer walk somewhere. +Debarre and Do I Know God After The End Waking stood, naked and frowning, on the granite that hung cantilevered above the pond that had dug itself into the forest floor beneath the falls. It wasn't a high drop, not enough to turn the stomach, but enough to keep them from simply jumping in. -``Winter has its place,'' ey'd explained to May when she'd gotten particularly whiny about the snow. ``I like the snow so long as I'm inside.'' +``And you're sure it's deep enough?'' -``Did you ever even see snow, my dear?'' +``I am not, no,'' End Waking said, then let out a shout and leapt off the overhang out over the water. -Ey'd shrugged. ``Sure. We'd get dumped on once or twice a year.'' +The weasel's frown deepened. No sounds of screaming below, at least. -``And was that pleasant?'' +``Fuck it,'' he muttered, and stepped off the edge of the rock, arms folded over his chest, and plunged, feet first, into the water. -``Well, no, but--'' +The cold was enough to drive his breath from him. Even though there wasn't any snow this low down on the hillside, it was still cold out and even colder up-slope from whence the snow-melt came. He realized, too late, that another possibility for there not being any screaming from his boyfriend below was due to the frigid water. -She'd laughed at em, then, shaking her head. ``I miss our porch swing. I miss our lilacs and dandelions. Sometimes, I just want to lay in the grass and overheat. I have been betrayed by our weather.'' +All the same, there was nothing beneath his feet for at least another meter as he sank below the surface. -So it was a good escape when it got cold. They could duck off—alone or together—to the lake and head for a walk. +Thankful for small victories, he swam shakily for the surface, breaching the water with a shallow gasp and teeth already chattering. -May had chosen the name Arrowhead Lake over Ioan's protests that it looked nothing like an arrowhead, being more kidney shaped. The sim itself was tagged Peak Lake\#587a9383. Maybe it was just Peak Lake? This seemed only to have emboldened her when ey brought it up, and ey was firmly overruled. +End Waking floated closer, treading water. The skunk's smile was wide, but his teeth were clenched shut in a clear attempt to slow the shivering. ``Pleasant day out, is it not?'' -Whenever ey walked out there without her, as ey did today, ey'd think on this. Maybe it had little to do with the lake itself. Maybe it had to do with the silhouettes of the pines? Or something to do with way the snow lingered on pointed peaks? +``F-fuck you,'' Debarre said, laughing breathlessly. ``I'm getting up to the fire ASAP.'' -``Or maybe she's just a brat,'' ey mumbled, smiling to emself as ey walked slowly along the deer trail. ``No reasoning with an Odist.'' +The skunk laughed, shoved at him weakly, and then swam for the shore, weasel in tow. -Ey'd long wrestled with whether or not they were just normal people. Perhaps Michelle had been—ey'd not spent enough time around her to know, and what time ey had managed had been mostly silence. Toward the end, her conversations were more interruptions than not, although the impression ey'd gotten was that she'd been kind and gentle, while still being the type to care passionately about things or, more often, people. The impression just hadn't been a strong one. Not enough time for it to solidify. +They slicked the water off themselves as best they could while walking. Fluffy as he was, End Waking had the larger job of it, spending most of the rest of the short trek back up the hill to the fire he'd built squeezing water out of his tail fur. -Ey'd eventually come to the conclusion, confirmed through discussions with several of the clade, that each of them had begun more as a distillation of a singular aspect of Michelle than the whole of her. That wasn't to say that they weren't complete in their own right, simply that each was singularly focused on their interests and skills, a perpetual hyperfixation. What was it Codrin and Dear had said? Even True Name was a fully realized person. +Once there, they parked a meter or so before the fire and huddled beneath his woolen cloak, held open toward the flames, soaking up as much warmth as they could. -Normal, though? Could one be both a singular facet and normal? +``That was fucking cold,'' Debarre said once he was able to speak without stammering. ``You're such an asshole, I can't believe I ever listen to you. Fine fucking way to ring in the new year.'' -And maybe it went beyond them. Maybe it was a dispersionista thing. Ey could see such a habit building even without Michelle's unique experiences. +``Yes, well, I love you too,'' End Waking said, grinning. ``Thank you for joining me, and for your help today.'' -When the trail dipped down out of the trees toward the shore, ey stooped to pick up a handful of pebbles, enough to toss into the water once ey reached the boulder at the lake's outlet. Codrin had eir cairns, ey supposed, and ey had a heap of pebbles at the bottom of the lake, tossed in one by one over the decades. +They'd spent the afternoon building up a rammed earth wall for the skunk's new house, pulling sandy clay from the pile they'd brought up from the pond's shore the previous day, mixing in deer's blood as a binder before stacking it in a frame, and pounding it with logs sanded smooth and cut down to a diameter that fit comfortably in their paws. -\emph{I still don't know what I'm supposed to be doing,} ey thought, rattling the rocks around in eir hand as ey continued walking. \emph{I don't know if I'm supposed to help either of them, bring them together again, or what.} +Part of the ramming process had involved carefully setting the chimney pipe for the wood stove between the layers of earth as they built up. This had seemed an unnecessarily fiddly process despite the admonitions that, if the pipe crumpled beneath the sand, clay, and blood while they pounded it, the wall wouldn't be sturdy and there might be gaps. As it was, after they built up the rest of the tent, they'd have to seal that spot with more bloody earth and a layer of pitch. -It was still a week out from eir next meeting with True Name, from Secession Day, and while May's anxiety hadn't ticked back up, eir own had lingered. There was an unsettled feeling within em that made itself known whenever ey thought about heading to the coffee shop. +It had left them both feeling worn out and dirty, and when Debarre said he was going to wash the sticky earth from his paws and fur, End Waking had suggested turning that into the icy plunge. -``Maybe I'm not supposed to do anything,'' ey muttered, climbing up the boulder. ``Maybe I'm just supposed to be a friend, like she says.'' +The skunk had then built up the fire higher than usual, told Debarre that they'd need to do so nude as he shed his clothes by the fire so they'd stay dry, and then pulled him along to the rock overhang. -Ey tossed a stone into the water with a small plunk and splash. +Once their fronts were mostly dry, they turned out to face the waterfall and ravine, draping the cloak over their shoulders with their backs exposed to the fire, sitting in silence and leaning against each other, sharing warmth. -That gulf remained between the two skunks, and no one seemed happy with it. +``Why don't you build your camp here?'' -\emph{Plunk, splash.} +``The river may overflow, and come spring, the fall will be quite loud.'' -``I don't know why it feels like I'm supposed to be the one to do something about it. Friends are supposed to help, right?'' +Debarre grinned, ``Don't need the white noise?'' -\emph{Plunk, splash.} +``Not particularly, though I am more concerned about flooding. I already had a tree fall on me while I slept, you will surely remember, and I do not feel the need to be carried away on dirty waters so soon after.'' -``There's nothing for me to fix, really. They've each made their own decisions, and seem at peace with those, even if they're not happy with whatever's left between them.'' +``Thanks for letting me back after that happened,'' he said, more quietly. ``And thanks for forking to fix your leg.'' -\emph{Plunk, splash.} +``Of course, my dear. I do not know who else I would have called. And thank you for your patience during my solitude.'' -``And they'd probably both resent me if I \emph{were} to do anything.'' Ey tossed a few pebbles in at once, splashing in a brief, watery static. ``Whatever that'd even be.'' +Debarre nodded and slid an arm around the skunk's waist. ``I'm used to it by now. Besides, \#Tracker had a larger merge than usual to deal with.'' -Ey stood at the peak of that boulder, tossing pebbles into water and thinking, mumbling to emself about May and True Name. When ey ran out of pebbles, ey sat cross-legged and looked out over the lake, unseeing. +``That is what happens when I steal a version of you away and then aliens visit one of the LVs. I will accept half of the blame.'' He smiled, adding, ``Perhaps less than half. You had your own stuff going on.'' -``I should just pinch myself whenever I start thinking that there's something I need to do,'' ey said to the water. ``Pretty sure May doesn't want it, she's happy working on her emotions without me meddling, and I'm pretty sure True Name doesn't want it, since she seems content\ldots what was it, maintaining that level of connection after so long a time of disconnect?'' +``Well, \#Tracker did.'' He snorted, shook his head. ``It's what I get for only part of me hanging around interesting people.'' -The lake didn't answer, not in anything other than the water lapping at the shore and the chatter of the creek. +``Am I so boring, my dear?'' -``This is stupid.'' +He shook his head. ``No, just plain. Your life is pretty simple out here. \#Tracker is still all caught up on all the political stuff with user11824 and Yared.'' -Ey sat for another hour, just watching the lake, the clouds, the trees, trying not to think about how complicated it was for one person to be so split among so many instances. +End Waking made a face. ``Gross.'' -The walk back was spent unwinding the thought processes that led em here in the first place. Unwinding and re-coiling into a careful skein, now with fewer knots than it had had in it before, though it still remained tangled. +``They aren't \emph{that} bad,'' he said, laughing. -``Good walk, my dear?'' May said when ey returned and plopped down onto the couch. +``They are fine, I am sure,'' the skunk said. ``You may keep the political stuff, though.'' -``Very. It's nice out there.'' +``I mean, that's why I'm out here. It's good to get away from all that bullshit.'' -``It always is,'' the skunk said, walking over from where she'd been poking around in the kitchen to dot her nose atop eir head. ``It could be here too, you know.'' +``Oh, so you are using me for a vacation, then?'' -Ey laughed and waved a hand toward the picture windows facing out the balcony, out to the drifting snow. ``It's pretty, May. It makes being all warm inside nicer.'' +Debarre laughed and poked at End Waking's thigh. ``Where'd this sense of humor come from?'' -She leaned down to rest her elbows on the back of the couch beside em. ``I am not immune to the beauty, I am just a wuss when it comes to the cold.'' +``The audacity of weasels never ceases to amaze,'' he said. ``I have a sense of humor. The squirrels and I share our private jokes. I practice them before the fire.'' -``Well, if you ever wore shoes\ldots{}'' +``Fucking weirdo,'' Debarre said, rolling his eyes. He tucked closer to the skunk all the same. -She swatted at the back of eir head and laughed. ``Jerk.'' +That End Waking was so open to touch over the last few weeks was something he was keen to take advantage of. Neither of them were necessarily the cuddly type, and most of the time, he was happy with the level of physical contact he got from the skunk, just as he was with the partners his other forks had settled down with. Still, it was nice every once and a while. A bit of touch to keep him grounded. It tended to happen when their relationship picked up again, after both of them had spent months or years apart, each living their separate, more cerebral lives. -``Ow! Domestic abuse!'' Ey laughed as well, rubbing at eir head. ``Want to go out for dinner?'' +Before long, however, they set the cloak aside to get dressed, and Debarre watched as End Waking prepped a sizeable hare and pushed it onto a cast-iron spit and set it over the fire, a tilted pan beneath it catching the drippings. -At that, May perked up, grinning. ``I take back the slap. Yes please! Can we get sushi?'' +They dined on the hare and squash roasted in the fat, both pungent with thyme. They stayed up until it was well and truly dark, chatting. -``Sure, J2?'' +Worn out as they were, though, they didn't last much longer, eventually retreating to the makeshift tent that End Waking had set up using the patched fabric that had been his previous shelter strung over a rope and draped over his recovered cot. Narrow as it was, they had to huddle close—the only time the skunk was consistently okay with close physical contact and intimacy—sharing each others' warmth beneath the cloak and a few blankets besides. -She bounced on the balls of her feet and nodded. ``Yes! You, my dear, know just how to treat a girl.'' +``E.W.?'' -``Skunk girl.'' +``I like it when you call me that.'' -``Well, yes, but still.'' Still bouncing, she twirled around\pagebreak\ behind the couch, tail trailing along behind her. ``I will get ready. I am hungry now, so too bad if you are not.'' +``I'm a sucker for nicknames,'' he said, tucking himself back against him. -One of the things that Ioan appreciated most about J2 over all of the other sushi places May had dragged em to is that it was the most amenable to em eating with eir hands. May was quite nimble with chopsticks—no mean feat with paws and claws—but ey'd never quite picked it up, so being able to eat those little bullets of rice and fish with eir hands suited em quite well. +``That you are.'' He rested his snout over Debarre's shoulder. ``What were you going to say, my love?'' -It had a channel of water floating along between the booths, small dishes drifting by lazily for the diners to pluck from the water. This obviated the need for any staff, real or simulated, as each dish would be replaced from behind a bend in the river. With no need to pay beyond a token amount of reputation, it simply became a pleasant evening out, plates stacking up at the edge of their table a tacit contest with other diners. +``I\ldots well, all these little changes are coming to the System. The ACL changes, the cones of silence\ldots{}'' -``Did you get what you needed out of your walk earlier?'' May asked before popping a bit of fish into her muzzle. +``I do not use those.'' -Ey shrugged, finished chewing, and said, ``I guess. Was doing some thinking into that feeling that I have to fix every problem in front of me when it comes to relationships.'' +``Well, but you never leave here and you gave up on all the politics.'' -``I have noticed that in you, yes,'' she said. ``Beyond when we specifically talk about it, I mean.'' +``This is by design.'' -``You have?'' +Debarre laughed, shaking his head. ``I'm just worried about so many changes in so short a time.'' -``You are not a sneaky person, Ioan. When it comes up, it is there for me to see.'' +``How so?'' -``Oh, uh,'' ey stammered, setting eir plate on top of the stack. ``Sorry, May.'' +``I dunno,'' Debarre mumbled. ``I just think there's a lot of subtle things—more like the little stuff May Then My Name talks about—and I'm worried those will break or disappear.'' -``No, no, you are fine! I accept it in the spirit in which it is given. You want to do right by me and your friends, even when `doing right' is not your responsibility. So long as you do not overstep boundaries, I can at least understand it.'' +End Waking hummed thoughtfully. ``They have survived Secession and Launch.'' -``Well, all the same, it's not like it's comfortable. I don't think anyone likes feeling helpless, but I just wish I didn't get hung up on finding solutions to everything.'' +``Yeah, but those were political things, right? Not technological things.'' -``You know, it is weird,'' she said, gesturing vaguely with a shrimp. ``For someone who spent so long purely observing, a busybody tendency feels out of place.'' +``You are worried external engineers will tamper?'' -Ey shook eir head. ``Observing is situational. If there's something happening that has a start and end, or which I can come home from, then I can just observe it. If it's something that's ongoing or integral to a person, especially a meaningful person, then I feel like I really want to help.'' +He nodded. -She had taken the opportunity of em talking to eat the bit of shrimp she'd used as a pointer, and when she finished, she asked, ``Is this a new thing?'' +``I do not know that they have a good enough understanding of the subtleties to do so. The System is greater than the sum of its component parts.'' -``How do you mean?'' +``Well, maybe not intentionally changing things. Just knock on effects, maybe.'' \emph{Or maybe internal politics encouraging changes,} he added mentally. -``Were you always like this? Did you always want to help when it was something integral to people you care about?'' +``I imagine they will be careful, even around the subtle things.'' -Ey frowned. +They lay silent for a while, Debarre thinking and, if the slow slackening of his arm around his chest was any indication, End Waking slowly falling asleep. -``Do not get me wrong, I am not suggesting one way or another. We have only known each other for a small portion of our lives. It is just that Codrin and Sorina both decided to specifically focus on that only recently.'' +``E.W.?'' he whispered. -Ey nodded thoughtfully. ``Right. I don't know, honestly. Maybe? Maybe it's you, and--'' +``Mm?'' A sleepy reply. -She rolled her eyes. +``Do you still feel em? Like, at night sometimes. Like a dream or something.'' -``No, I mean, maybe it's you in that you're the first person I've gotten close enough to to wind up feeling like that, at least since I uploaded.'' - -The skunk paused in the act of picking another plate from the river, letting it drift on. ``Did you feel that way about your brother? Was you uploading your fix?'' - -Ey felt eir muscles go rigid, eir jaw clench, eir hands start to tremble. ``Uh\ldots well, huh.'' - -Ears splayed and eyes wide with alarm, the skunk reached out to take one of eir hands in her own. ``I am sorry, Ioan. If I overstepped, I apologize.'' - -Letting the skunk lace her fingers with eirs, ey shook eir head to dislodge the slight dizziness that had come with the realization and concomitant panic. ``Maybe?'' Ey forced a smile. ``I mean, maybe uploading was my fix for that situation? I don't know.'' - -She nodded, gave eir hand a gentle squeeze. - -``I think you're the only person I've really loved other than Rareș,'' ey said, nudging the conversation back on track to avoid settling into that particular rumination. ``That's what I meant. I want to make things good for you, whether it's you overflowing, stuff with True Name, or any other number of things that aren't my responsibility or even under my control.'' - -May smiled, the expression veering perilously close to a smirk. ``You have said that you want to fix things for True Name at times, too. Are you sure that you are not in love?'' - -``I've also talked about how often I'll wind up getting caught off guard by how much you two still look and sound alike,'' ey said, smirking right back. ``She's nice and I do want to help her, but I think I'm a ways off from that.'' - -She laughed. ``I know, I know. You just leave yourself so open, sometimes, a girl cannot help herself. You are also allowed to want to help friends and acquaintances as well as me.'' - -``Skunks, I swear\ldots{}'' Ey laughed when she pinched at eir fingers, tugging eir hand free so ey could grab another plate of sushi. ``That's kind of what I was thinking about on the walk, though. I feel weirdly obligated to fix things. It's not my place to, I don't think either of you would be comfortable with that, and that's not even counting whether or not it's something either of you \emph{want}.'' - -``I do not know,'' she said, shrugging. ``I spoke about that with End Waking and Debarre recently, and am no closer to an answer. We did all agree, however, that you doing what you are is a good thing, in that it at least sets up an avenue for change, even if neither True Name nor I decide to take that step.'' - -Ey nodded. ``I just want things to remain smooth between everyone, is all. Maybe it's a little\ldots I don't know, overly conciliatory of me?'' - -``Perhaps, but that does not mean it does not have its own utility.'' - -They ate in silence for a moment, Ioan eventually giving up after finishing eir plate. It was no less easy to eat too much, even in an embedded world. - -``Are you okay with it?'' - -``Hmm?'' - -``Being between us. Interacting with the both of us even though I still resent her and she is still pleased with the work that she does. Are you okay being in the middle of that?'' - -Ey slouched back against the booth and watched the plates drift lazily by on the current, thinking. ``I don't know.'' - -``That is a perfectly valid answer, my dear.'' - -``I don't really like the feeling. I feel weird about it every time it comes up, much as we need to talk about it.'' Ey smiled, taking one of her paws in eir hand again. ``I agree that it has its uses. It's uncomfortable at times, but I don't think I'd be any more comfortable dropping out of the role.'' - -The skunk brushed her thumb over eir fingers, saying, ``I understand, Ioan. It is complex. If it needs to change, it can, and until then, even if I still harbor equally complex thoughts on True Name, I appreciate your position in our dynamic.'' - -The conversation drifted away from the subject after that, and the two wound up back at home to poke through their own projects even as the night fell early. - -It wasn't until they'd made it back to bed and curled up together that ey was finally able to truly let go of the topic, though; even throughout eir writing, a small portion of eir mind had been dedicated to the question of what eir role was between the two skunks and why it both rankled and felt necessary. +There was a long, long silence before the skunk replied. ``Sleep, my love. There is work to do in the morning. Sleep, and dream beautiful dreams.'' diff --git a/mitzvot/content/008.tex b/mitzvot/content/008.tex index 90b803e..dd6c72d 100644 --- a/mitzvot/content/008.tex +++ b/mitzvot/content/008.tex @@ -1,153 +1,137 @@ \begin{center}\rule{0.5\linewidth}{0.5pt}\end{center} -Ioan was surprised by just how wrung out True Name looked during their Secession Day coffee date. The skunk's blouse was wrinkled, her normally orderly fur mussed atop her head, and her whiskers all abristle. She looked as though she'd not slept for days and certainly not changed outfits in at least as long. +As usual, Debarre woke alone. End Waking would doubtless be somewhere in the woods, checking snare traps or walking or simply sitting on a rock thinking, having slipped away at first light, quietly and carefully enough not to wake him. Still, they'd gone to bed early enough that the horizon down the hill had only just let go of the sun. -All the same, her arrival was much the same as all the others had been, with her smiling to em, ordering her coffee, and joining em on the couch in order to set up a cone of silence. +He slipped out of bed and into his pants—black denim traded in for a dirty green canvas—splashed some water on his face from the barrel nearby, and started the trek back out to the rock where they'd set the fire, figuring that'd be the most likely place to find his boyfriend. -``Good morning, Mx. Bălan. I trust you are well?'' +End Waking was indeed there, crouching before a low fire with a pot for coffee already set above it, but another skunk knelt across from him as well, chatting quietly. -``Uh, I'm fine, I guess.'' Ey frowned, continuing carefully, ``What about you, though? You look\ldots well, terrible.'' +``Hey May Then My Name,'' he said, settling down beside her. ``Whatcha doing here?'' -The skunk's smile faltered, betraying the exhaustion that plainly lay beneath. With another blink, the cone's ACLs changed to opaque it from the outside. She sagged against the couch. ``I came in a rush, my dear, I apologize for my appearance.'' +The skunk started, grinned wide, and leaned in to hug around his shoulders. ``Jesus, Debarre, you taking lessons from End Waking? Scared the hell out of me, sneaking up like that.'' -``You don't need to apologize, True Name. I'm just worried. Lots of Secession Day preparations?'' +He laughed and returned the hug before reaching for the coffee pot. ``Maybe it's contagious.'' -``Of a sort, yes. Things have been rather stressful the last few days.'' She laughed, shook her head, and added, ``Well, more than a little. I have been stretched very thin and am\ldots struggling.'' +``Can you imagine a disease so miserable?'' the other skunk said, waving the weasel back from the coffee pot. ``Our guest here finished what was left. You will have to wait, my dear.'' -``Struggling?'' +``Sorry,'' she said, holding her battered enamel mug out to Debarre. ``You can have the other half.'' -The skunk's eyes darted around the coffee shop, scanning each face within at least twice. ``I am not comfortable expanding on that at the moment.'' +``Nah, go ahead. I'll wait. You never told me what you're doing here, though.'' -Ey held up eir hands disarmingly. ``Of course. Are you at least excited about the day?'' +She stuck her tongue out at him. ``Am I not allowed to be a pest? That is my role in life.'' -``When I have the chance to slow down, I can feel some of that excitement. This provides me a good chance to do so. Twenty-five years since Launch and both LVs are continuing on in their journey with very few problems. Two and a quarter centuries since Secession and life continues smoothly here.'' +``'Course you are, just that usually you're a pest with news.'' -``That seems to fit with your goals pretty well.'' +``Fine, fine, yes,'' she said. ``It can wait until after coffee, though. How are you, Debarre? I was not expecting you to be back just yet.'' -She gave a slight nod of acknowledgement, though she remained distracted. ``That it does, my dear.'' +``It is my fault,'' her cocladist said. ``A tree fell on me back around--'' -``You and Jonas planning anything for yourselves, at least?'' +``\emph{What?!}'' -``There will be a gathering, yes,'' she said. ``Today at noon.'' +He shrugged. ``There was a wind storm late last year and a tree fell across my tent. It crushed the frame and floor, knocked over the back wall, and impaled my thigh on a splintered board.'' -``\,`A gathering'? Not a party?'' +She brought her paws up to cover her muzzle, eyes wide. -She shrugged. ``His words, not mine. I do not know what he is planning.'' +``I am okay,'' he said, smiling disarmingly. ``But I asked Debarre to return to help me rebuild.'' -``Well, hopefully a good one.'' +``He didn't want to fork to fix his leg,'' the weasel said, rolling his eyes. -``Agreed. This will limit my time here, of course, I hope that you understand, and I may be distracted as several of my forks merge down to reduce conflicts while there.'' +``I do not fork often, you know that.'' -Ey nodded. ``That's alright. I've got stuff to work on, too.'' +``There was a plank through your leg, E.W.,'' he retorted. ``That wasn't just going to heal okay on its own.'' -Lapping at the whipped cream atop her drink, she once again scanned the crowd, which, as far as ey could tell, had not changed since she'd arrived. Something about her posture suggested that the topic of what was happening was closed, however, so ey made note to ask about it later instead. +It was the skunk's turn to roll his eyes. ``You are no fun.'' -They fell into work after that. True Name focused on her messages or dealt with merges while ey dedicated a token amount of effort to eir writing. The rest of em observed the skunk out of the corner of eir eye and thought about just how much must be happening for her to admit that she was struggling. 225 years since the System seceded from the rest of Earth's governments doubtless came with a lot of celebrations and announcements to make, speeches to write, hands to shake, or whatever it was that the non-leaders of Lagrange did in such an event. +May Then My Name, having finally regained her composure, said, ``Well, thank you, Debarre.'' -Add in the twenty-fifth anniversary since Launch and certainly there would be an added note of joy for many across all three Systems. Ioan was particularly looking forward to the letters from Castor and Pollux in a month and change to hear how things had gone on each of the LVs. Perhaps ey'd even hear from Sorina from Artemis. +Debarre nodded. -Still, True Name's mussed appearance and anxious expression seemed to go beyond that. Ey couldn't think of a reason related to the day that would have her in such a state. Things would be intense, but not so much so as to force her to drop her carefully constructed veneer of confidence. +She sighed, smiling weakly at End Waking. ``I am glad you are okay, skunk. I would be lost without you. -\emph{Ah well, at least she got some time off,} ey thought. This was followed by a gentle chiding which ey heard in May's voice. \emph{And you are not supposed to be fixing things, remember?} +``The trees do not know how to kill me, May Then My Name,'' End Waking said, frowning. ``There is no virus within them. Debarre was right to get me to fork to fix, I will admit, but I would have done so anyway had it landed more fully on me.'' -Right. +When all that greeted this was silence, he sighed and let his shoulders slump. ``I am sorry. I have set up the new camp in a location with sturdier trees. I will endeavor to remain cautious.'' -Forcing emself to concentrate on eir writing at least bought em ten minutes of work. +May Then My Name crawled around the fire to dot her nose against End Waking's cheek. He looked uncomfortable, but tolerated the touch. -``Huh,'' True Name mumbled, frowning. +``Thank you, my dear,'' she said. ``I do not mean to lecture. I am just\ldots well, if the coffee is ready, please pour yourself a cup, Debarre, and we will talk.'' -``Hmm?'' +Once they'd settled back down and the kettle was replaced with a pot to cook oatmeal, she began, ``To preface, this is nothing serious, I just need to talk with someone who is not Ioan.'' -She shook her head. ``Nothing, I suppose. Just got a merge from an instance, and it sounds like Jonas is looking for me. He knows that I am--'' +``Why?'' End Waking asked. -Ey jolted back as the skunk leapt to her feet, gaze whipping about the room, then out through the windows to the street. Her tail was bristled out, ears pinned flat, and paws clenched tight, something ey'd only seen in May, and then only a handful of times. +``You will see. That is also part of it.'' -``True Name?'' +He nodded. -She held up a paw, beckoning em to silence, and, despite the way she kept searching face after face, ey could picture dozens of sensorium messages flying back and forth from her. Her frown only deepened. +``I am not even sure that it is actionable.'' She sighed, shrugged. ``I have just been thinking about True Name a lot of late.'' -Ey closed eir notebook, figuring ey was pretty well ruined for work at this point, and watched her carefully. +End Waking sat, conspicuously impassive, while Debarre shook his head. ``Why? I thought you'd basically agreed to never talk again.'' -When nothing of interest appeared on the street, the skunk turned slowly to scan the room. Her eyes shot wide open, and ey followed her gaze out into the scant crowd of patrons. Everything was much as it had been: folks sitting and chatting, drinking their coffee, reading or doing work. She, however, seemed to be focused in particular on a middle-aged man walking from the back of the shop where a door opened onto patio seating. +``We have not spoken; at least, not more than a few cordial words in passing. However, Ioan has been meeting up with her for coffee once a month since the first news of the Artemisians.'' -``Fuck,'' she said, then shouted, ``\emph{Fuck!}'' +He and End Waking both tilted their heads. -She darted around the coffee table, knocking against it hard enough to send both of their drinks spilling across its surface, and grabbed eir hand. ``Go, Ioan! Go, \emph{go!}'' +``Ey has been ensuring that things remain polite and smooth between us.'' She held up a paw to forestall any comments, adding quickly, ``I trust em in this. Ey is simply meeting her at a coffee shop where they each work on their own projects. They chat a little, and then do their own things. Ey describes it as `friendly coworkers' more than anything, which I believe.'' -``What?!'' Ey scrambled to eir feet, eyes darting between True Name and that oddly familiar man walking towards them. ``Where?'' +``Is that a thing that even needs to be done?'' Debarre said. ``Wasn't she just leaving you alone before?'' -``Home! Anywhere!'' +``Yes, thankfully. It is just\ldots{}'' She frowned, poking at the packed earth with a claw. ``That silence has been necessary to prevent anger, but it has still not been comfortable. There are plenty of people who I no longer see and do not miss, or do miss and think about with some frequency. It was such an uneasy silence.'' -It didn't seem open to discussion, and enough of her panic had built up in em by now that ey quickly stepped from the sim to home, yanking True Name along with. +``And you think Ioan's doing the right thing?'' -To home and chaos. +``Ey is,'' End Waking said. ``Ey is ensuring that there remains a distance between you two without it being an unbridged distance. That would just leave you to stew, knowing how you work. You would never let it go and spin yourself into a whirlwind of emotion. The Bălans are perhaps a little awkward at times, but they do not lack all social graces.'' -There was a flurry of activity down the short hall from the entryway, several instances of May blinking into and out of existence, along with several more of the same man they'd seen at the shop. She was forking close enough to each instance of him to exercise the collision algorithms of the sim, knocking him this way and that to keep him away from her. She was screaming, ``Get the fuck out! I am not her! Get \emph{out!}'' +May Then My Name rubbed her paws over her face. ``I knooow,'' she whined. ``And I love em for thinking of that.'' -``May!'' +``You just still resent her,'' the other skunk said. -A few of the skunks looked over to the door, and then suddenly another was beside em, grabbing eir free hand. With a wrenching sensation, a sudden change in light and sound and gravity, the three of them stumbled out of Arrowhead Lake's default entry point. +``Yes.'' -May pulled her paw roughly free of eir hand and whirled to face them, shouting, ``What the fuck did you do?!'' +``I know you said it probably isn't actionable,'' Debarre said, poking at the fire with a stick. ``But what would you change about the situation?'' -Tugging her own paw free, True Name darted away, looking around wild-eyed. ``How secure is this place?'' +``As in `in a perfect world'?'' -``I think May and I are the only ones who even know it--'' +``Right, yeah. Perfect world, what would you like?'' -She quickly ran a few paces into the woods, peering between the trees. +She frowned, watching End Waking dote over the oatmeal, dumping a pawful of dried fruit into it. Eventually, she said, ``I do not know. She has apologized and done what I have requested. She has changed, too, from what Ioan has said. She is trying to be more earnest and willing to engage emotionally. She has been seeing Sarah as well.'' -``Ioan,'' May growled. ``What the fuck just happened? Why the fuck was he in our house?'' +Debarre nodded. ``But it sounds like that's not it.'' -Ey shook eir head, trying to dislodge the dazed confusion. ``I don't know. He was at the coffee shop, too. Who even--'' +``No.~I think what is missing is contrition. She has apologized for what she has done to me and Ioan and has maybe even begun to make changes. I do not know how to put it, but it feels like she is being earnest without being sincere. She is sorry, but not contrite. She does not feel bad for what she has done. Her apologies are not backed by understanding.'' -``Guōweī,'' she snapped, then shouted up to True Name, ``Why the fuck was he in our house? What did you do?'' +``There is no penance,'' End Waking said plainly, dishing out the oatmeal into the mugs they'd been using for coffee. ``True penance is borne out of feeling bad about what one has done and wanting to change, to make up for it, not merely about responding to how others are reacting.'' -The other skunk had shifted from her near feral crouch to standing, rigid and staring up into the branches, a look of dire concentration on her face. +May Then My Name toyed with her oatmeal. ``Yes. Maybe she does and just does not know how to show it. I just do not know how to truly believe that.'' -When she didn't answer, May began pacing and muttering—whether to herself or through some sensorium message, ey couldn't tell. +``Worried she's just acting?'' Debarred said, blowing on a still vigorously steaming spoonful of oats. -Guōweī. The assassin. The reputation analyst who had killed Qoheleth in the middle of his speech. +``Perhaps. That was ever the dilemma of us going into theatre. Did we love it or did we merely want to become someone else? To hide from who we were?'' -A quick prowl through eir memories lined up face with name. +``Be wary of your pessimism,'' End Waking said. ``It takes attention and effort, May Then My Name, at least when one has intentionally tamped down emotions to the point that she has. If I could teach her, if either of us could teach her, I think we would, but I do not know that one can learn penance from anyone but oneself.'' -Eventually, True Name's shoulders sagged and she stumbled down from the trees, Ioan and May both watching her, wide-eyed. She kept walking past them, past the trail, down onto muddy beach, then out into the water. The short waves lapped up against her legs, soaking her slacks, and still she kept walking. She walked until the lake had made its way nearly up to her waist. +She nodded, looking distracted and thoughtful. ``If it were as simple as merging down\ldots{}'' -And then she screamed. +End Waking stiffened, frowned around his bite of breakfast. -It wasn't a shout, no words were behind it. It was a scream of pure, unrestrained emotion, though whether anger, fear, frustration, or something else, ey could not guess. +She smiled to him apologetically. ``Sorry, I will stop for now. Thank you both for listening to me bitch.'' -Then she turned around and waded back toward the shore, stumbling once or twice, until she gave up and fell to her knees, water up to her waist once more. She beat at the surface of the lake with balled-up fists, growling and crying. Finally, she stopped, slouching over until she had to catch herself on her hands. +``It's fine, skunk,'' Debarre said. ``I think E.W. is right that Ioan's doing the right thing. It takes some pressure off of you and lets it\ldots I dunno, be a process or something. You don't have to do anything now 'cause you've got an opening to deal with it.'' -May's fury, which until that point had been burning hot in her expression, was replaced by something more complicated. Anger, yes, but anxiety and fear as well. ``True Name,'' she said, voice more under control than it had been. ``What happened?'' +``Yes, well put. Thank you, my dear,'' she said. ``I will process as best I can. I do not suppose either of you have talked to her recently?'' -``They are gone. They are all gone. Someone is trying to take me out,'' she said between heaving breaths. ``Trying to get rid of me.'' +They both shook their heads. -``What? Why?'' ey said. +``Right, I thought not. That's enough of the topic for now, anyway.'' She waved a paw and took a bite of oatmeal, then pulled a face. ``We need to get you some sugar or something.'' -There was no answer from the skunk. +Debarre laughed. ``She's right, E.W. I've gotten used to it, but only just barely.'' -``Who, then?'' +``Fucking lame,'' he drawled. ``My sim, my rules. You must suffer without.'' -She shook her head numbly. ``I do not know. There is a small list that we have been keeping our eye on. There are some reactionary elements that have been growing louder. I need to think. I need to\ldots but\ldots{}'' +May Then My Name flicked some oatmeal from her spoon at him. ``Call me lame, will you.'' -They waited, tense. +He grinned toothily, picking the bit of oatmeal off his shirt sleeve and adding it to his mug. -``But all of my instances are gone. Two merged back, one sent a message that she would be late, and then nothing.'' +``Either way, my root instance is back at home, so I can stay as long as I like. Would you like some help, at least?'' -``\emph{All} of them?'' May asked. ``How many?'' - -``One hundred and eight.'' - -At that eir partner let out a startled laugh. ``Jesus Christ, True Name.'' - -Again, no answer. - -``Well, who would even know where your root instance was? Or all of your other instances, for that matter?'' Ioan asked. - -``My root--'' She tried to stand so quickly that she stumbled again and had to catch herself. ``You have to be fucking kidding me.'' - -Her eyes went blank, and she frowned out toward nothing, though tears left tracks down her cheeks. - -May looked to Ioan. ``What does she mean?'' - -Ey couldn't tear eir eyes off the other skunk, and it took em a few seconds to even work up the concentration to reply. ``Shortly before we left, one of her two merges said that Jonas was looking for her.'' +``If you can swing a hammer, then yes, that would be wonderful.'' diff --git a/mitzvot/content/009.tex b/mitzvot/content/009.tex index 8147ec0..ece27ac 100644 --- a/mitzvot/content/009.tex +++ b/mitzvot/content/009.tex @@ -1,91 +1,181 @@ -\hypertarget{ioan-bux103lan-2349}{% -\chapter{Ioan Bălan — 2350}\label{ioan-bux103lan-2349}} +\hypertarget{ioan-bux103lan-2350}{% +\chapter{Ioan Bălan — 2350}\label{ioan-bux103lan-2350}} \markboth{Ioan Bălan — 2350}{} -True Name, having gathered her wits about her at least enough to trudge out of the lake and fork herself dry, requested directions to somewhere she could think alone. Ioan gestured down the path toward the rock, explaining that it'd be far enough away that they wouldn't hear each other if she didn't want a cone of silence, but that she'd still be able to see them at the entry point if anything happened. +Through some stroke of luck or perhaps some forgetful nature, it was perpetually early summer at Arrowhead Lake, that abandoned mountain sim Ioan and May had long ago adopted. Whether or not winter had socked them in at home, they could at least take a summer walk somewhere. -``I need to think. No one from the stanza is replying, I am not sure which friends I can trust, and I definitely do not want to speak to Jonas,'' she explained, then rubbed her paws over her face. ``Or perhaps I just need to sulk. I will return in an hour.'' +``Winter has its place,'' ey'd explained to May once when she'd gotten particularly whiny about the snow. ``I like the snow so long as I'm inside.'' -She bowed to em and May then trudged off down the path. +``Did you ever even see snow, my dear?'' -May glared after her down-tree instance with her paws bunched into fists and ears canted back, then whirled on Ioan, waving a cone of silence into being. +Ey'd shrugged. ``Sure. We'd get dumped on once or twice a year.'' -``Ioan, I am not at all happy,'' she said, voice frigid. ``I know that none of this is your fault except inasmuch as you have been meeting her for coffee, but I am having a hard time keeping my anger to myself.'' +``And was that pleasant?'' -Ey took a long breath, ran eir hands through eir hair, and paced in an abbreviated line before her. ``I know, May, I don't blame you. I'm completely baffled. Go ahead.'' +``Well, no, but--'' -``I spend two hundred fucking years trying to get away from that life, from all of her fucking schemes,'' she said, voice quickly rising in volume. ``And then I spend the last three trying to calm down so that I quit burning up whenever I so much as think about her, and now this. Look at us! Hiding in the woods from assassins. \emph{Assassins!}'' +She'd laughed at em, then, shaking her head. ``I miss our porch swing. I miss our lilacs and dandelions. Sometimes, I just want to lay in the grass and overheat. I have been betrayed by our weather.'' -Ey averted eir gaze from her. Nothing ey could say would help, and ey knew some remote part of emself was feeling much of what she was, too. +So it was a good escape when it got cold. They could duck off—alone or together—to the lake and head for a walk. -``Her and fucking Jonas are still doing whatever the fuck it is that they do, and now they are doing it to each other. Every time I think I can just settle down with you and get away from that, it just seeps right back in. I know that you were trying to do right by us, meeting up with her, but I really, \emph{really} wish you had not.'' +May had chosen the name Arrowhead Lake over Ioan's protests that it looked nothing like an arrowhead, being more kidney shaped. The sim itself was tagged Peak Lake\#587a9383. Maybe it was just Peak Lake? This seemed only to have emboldened her when ey brought it up, and ey was firmly overruled. -``May, I--'' +Whenever ey walked out there without her, as ey did today, ey'd think on this. Maybe it had little to do with the lake itself. Maybe it had to do with the silhouettes of the pines? Or something to do with way the snow lingered on pointed peaks? -``At least tell me what happened there.'' +``Or maybe she's just a brat,'' ey mumbled, smiling to emself as ey walked slowly along the deer trail. ``No reasoning with an Odist.'' -``Right. We met up as usual. She was looking pretty terrible, and when pressed on it, she said she was struggling and wasn't comfortable elaborating. When asked about Secession Day, she said she and Jonas were going to have, in his words, a gathering. She said her instances were going to merge down for this and that one of them said he was looking for her. She kept getting anxious and looking around at everyone there, and then jumped up, I guess when merges stopped coming. Guōweī came in from the back and walked right toward us, then we stepped home and grabbed you.'' +Ey'd long wrestled with whether or not they were just normal people. Perhaps Michelle had been—ey'd not spent enough time around her to know, and what time ey had managed had been mostly silence. Toward the end, her conversations were more interruptions than not, although the impression ey'd gotten was that she'd been kind and gentle, while still being the type to care passionately about things or, more often, people. The impression just hadn't been a strong one. Not enough time for it to solidify. -May crossed her arms and watched em pace and talk, her expression softening, though the frown remained. ``And that is it? No talk of these\ldots what, reactionary groups?'' +Ey'd eventually come to the conclusion, confirmed through discussions with several of the clade, that each of them had begun more as a distillation of a singular aspect of Michelle than the whole of her. That wasn't to say that they weren't complete in their own right, simply that each was singularly focused on their interests and skills, a perpetual hyperfixation. What was it Codrin and Dear had said? Even True Name was a fully realized person. -Ey shook eir head. ``None today, none in the past. It seems like something she'd keep close to the chest.'' +Normal, though? Could one be both a singular facet and normal? -``And it was in a cone with visual ACLs on secure?'' +And maybe it went beyond them. Maybe it was a dispersionista thing. Ey could see such a habit building even without Michelle's unique experiences. -``Yeah.'' +When the trail dipped down out of the trees toward the shore, ey stooped to pick up a handful of pebbles, enough to toss into the water once ey reached the boulder at the lake's outlet. Codrin had eir cairns, ey supposed, and ey had a heap of pebbles at the bottom of the lake, tossed in one by one over the decades. -``But Guōweī was still walking right for you?'' +\emph{I still don't know what I'm supposed to be doing,} ey thought, rattling the rocks around in eir hand as ey continued walking. \emph{I don't know if I'm supposed to help either of them, bring them together again, or what.} -Ey nodded. +It was still a week out from eir next meeting with True Name, from Secession Day, and while May's anxiety hadn't ticked back up, eir own had lingered. There was an unsettled feeling within em that made itself known whenever ey thought about heading to the coffee shop. -The skunk looked down to the ground, brow furrowed. ``I suppose if he knew she was there, that would be proof enough. I imagine a place like that chooses to display it as blurred out rather than completely hidden.'' +``Maybe I'm not supposed to do anything,'' ey muttered, climbing up the boulder. ``Maybe I'm just supposed to be a friend, like she says.'' -``I guess,'' ey said, though the words lacked conviction to eir ears. ``Then she grabbed my hand and told me to go.'' +Ey tossed a stone into the water with a small plunk and splash. -``She grabbed--'' She hesitated, mastered a sudden swell of anger, then subsided. ``It makes sense, I suppose. The chance that you would head someplace that she and Jonas could not guess is greater than if she had chosen. Ioan, my dear, you are pacing a hole in the path.'' +That gulf remained between the two skunks, and no one seemed happy with it. -``Sorry, May,'' ey said, trying to stand still. ``It's just a little nuts.'' +\emph{Plunk, splash.} -The skunk sighed, held out her paw to em, and gave her best smile. ``I know. I am really fucking confused and really fucking pissed, I do not imagine you are feeling much better. Would walking help?'' +``I don't know why it feels like I'm supposed to be the one to do something about it. Friends are supposed to help, right?'' -Ey took her paw in eir hand and nodded. ``Please.'' +\emph{Plunk, splash.} -Remembering their promise to stay in sight, they walked slowly back and forth along the short stretch of beach near the entry point, still within sight of True Name, kneeling on the rock by the outlet of the lake. +``There's nothing for me to fix, really. They've each made their own decisions, and seem at peace with those, even if they're not happy with whatever's left between them.'' -``I am sorry that overflowed onto you for a moment, Ioan. I did not mean to yell at you.'' +\emph{Plunk, splash.} -``You're fine, May, you just had some guy chasing you around our house trying to kill you or whatever, you're allowed to be pissed.'' +``And they'd probably both resent me if I \emph{were} to do anything.'' Ey tossed a few pebbles in at once, splashing in a brief, watery static. ``Whatever that'd even be.'' -She snorted and shook her head. ``He had only just arrived a few moments before you. I imagine True Name's fork said something about being with you but not where, so he came to our place and saw someone that looked vaguely like her. Perhaps they wanted it to be as close to simultaneous as possible for precisely this reason and one simply jumped the gun. I am surprised they did not just wait for her. How eager they must be.'' +Ey stood at the peak of that boulder, tossing pebbles into water and thinking, mumbling to emself about May and True Name. When ey ran out of pebbles, ey sat cross-legged and looked out over the lake, unseeing. -``Makes about as much sense as any of this.'' Ey looked out across the lake at where the other skunk sat, head bowed. ``What do we do now?'' +``I should just pinch myself whenever I start thinking that there's something I need to do,'' ey said to the water. ``Pretty sure May doesn't want it, she's happy working on her emotions without me meddling, and I'm pretty sure True Name doesn't want it, since she seems content\ldots what was it, maintaining that level of connection after so long a time of disconnect?'' -``I do not know, my dear. I have had precisely as many assassins after me as you, now, and I do not know what to do about True Name. I guess just stay here for a bit and gather our wits.'' +The lake didn't answer, not in anything other than the water lapping at the shore and the chatter of the creek. -Ey sighed, bent down, and plucked at a pebble on the bank until it came free of the sand, tossing it into the water. Anything to keep from spiraling back into anxiety. ``I'll have to go back and clear the house at some point. I'll lock down the ACLs to us and any immediate guests.'' +``This is stupid.'' -``I do not imagine you will find much there, now that we are gone, but I appreciate you doing a sweep all the same. I have some concerns about our privacy.'' +Ey sat for another hour, just watching the lake, the clouds, the trees, trying not to think about how complicated it was for one person to be so split among so many instances. + +The walk back was spent unwinding the thought processes that led em here in the first place. Unwinding and re-coiling into a careful skein, now with fewer knots than it had had in it before, though it still remained tangled. + +``Good walk, my dear?'' May said when ey returned and plopped down onto the couch. + +``Very. It's nice out there.'' + +``It always is,'' the skunk said, walking over from where she'd been poking around in the kitchen to dot her nose atop eir head. ``It could be here too, you know.'' + +Ey laughed and waved a hand toward the picture windows facing out the balcony, out to the drifting snow. ``It's pretty, May. It makes being all warm inside nicer.'' + +She leaned down to rest her elbows on the back of the couch beside em. ``I am not immune to the beauty, I am just a wuss when it comes to the cold.'' + +``Well, if you ever wore shoes\ldots{}'' + +She swatted at the back of eir head and laughed. ``Jerk.'' + +``Ow! Domestic abuse!'' Ey laughed as well, rubbing at eir head. ``Want to go out for dinner?'' + +At that, May perked up, grinning. ``I take back the slap. Yes please! Can we get sushi?'' + +``Sure, J2?'' + +She bounced on the balls of her feet and nodded. ``Yes! You, my dear, know just how to treat a girl.'' + +``Skunk girl.'' + +``Well, yes, but still.'' Still bouncing, she twirled around\pagebreak~behind the couch, tail trailing along behind her. ``I will get ready. I am hungry now, so too bad if you are not.'' + +One of the things that Ioan appreciated most about J2 over all of the other sushi places May had dragged em to is that it was the most amenable to em eating with eir hands. May was quite nimble with chopsticks—no mean feat with paws and claws—but ey'd never quite picked it up, so being able to eat those little bullets of rice and fish with eir hands suited em quite well. + +It had a channel of water floating along between the booths, small dishes drifting by lazily for the diners to pluck from the water. This obviated the need for any staff, real or simulated, as each dish would be replaced from behind a bend in the river. With no need to pay beyond a token amount of reputation, it simply became a pleasant evening out, plates stacking up at the edge of their table a tacit contest with other diners. + +``Did you get what you needed out of your walk earlier?'' May asked before popping a bit of fish into her muzzle. + +Ey shrugged, finished chewing, and said, ``I guess. Was doing some thinking into that feeling that I have to fix every problem in front of me when it comes to relationships.'' + +``I have noticed that in you, yes,'' she said. ``Beyond when we specifically talk about it, I mean.'' + +``You have?'' + +``You are not a sneaky person, Ioan. When it comes up, it is there for me to see.'' + +``Oh, uh,'' ey stammered, setting eir plate on top of the stack. ``Sorry, May.'' + +``No, no, you are fine! I accept it in the spirit in which it is given. You want to do right by me and your friends, even when `doing right' is not your responsibility. So long as you do not overstep boundaries, I can at least understand it.'' + +``Well, all the same, it's not like it's comfortable. I don't think anyone likes feeling helpless, but I just wish I didn't get hung up on finding solutions to everything.'' + +``You know, it is weird,'' she said, gesturing vaguely with a shrimp. ``For someone who spent so long purely observing, a busybody tendency feels out of place.'' + +Ey shook eir head. ``Observing is situational. If there's something happening that has a start and end, or which I can come home from, then I can just observe it. If it's something that's ongoing or integral to a person, especially a meaningful person, then I feel like I really want to help.'' + +She had taken the opportunity of em talking to eat the bit of shrimp she'd used as a pointer, and when she finished, she asked, ``Is this a new thing?'' + +``How do you mean?'' + +``Were you always like this? Did you always want to help when it was something integral to people you care about?'' Ey frowned. -She waved the idea away with a paw. ``If it is an issue, we will discuss it. If it is not, then I do not want to think about it any further.'' +``Do not get me wrong, I am not suggesting one way or another. We have only known each other for a small portion of our lives. It is just that Codrin and Sorina both decided to specifically focus on that only recently.'' -``Well, if you say so.'' +Ey nodded thoughtfully. ``Right. I don't know, honestly. Maybe? Maybe it's you, and--'' -She leaned against eir side, resting her head on eir shoulder. ``I am sorry, my dear. It is one of those things that is not a concern until it suddenly very fucking is.'' +She rolled her eyes. -Ey ruffled a hand through the fur between the skunk's ears, then settled eir arm around her shoulders. ``I'll tell you what all I find there, and we can both hope it's nothing. What will you do, meanwhile?'' +``No, I mean, maybe it's you in that you're the first person I've gotten close enough to to wind up feeling like that, at least since I uploaded.'' -``I am not sure. I do not particularly want to come with if they are looking for someone who looks like me. I will stay here and I guess keep an eye on our\ldots ah, guest.'' +The skunk paused in the act of picking another plate from the river, letting it drift on. ``Did you feel that way about your brother? Was you uploading your fix?'' -``You sure you'll be okay with that?'' +Ey felt eir muscles go rigid, eir jaw clench, eir hands start to tremble. ``Uh\ldots well, huh.'' -There was a long pause before the skunk gave in and slipped both of her arms around eir middle, burying her face against eir shirt. ``I do not know,'' she said, voice muffled and small. ``I thought that I would be, was going to \emph{say} that I would be, but I really do not know.'' +Ears splayed and eyes wide with alarm, the skunk reached out to take one of eir hands in her own. ``I am sorry, Ioan. If I overstepped, I apologize.'' -Ey rested eir chin atop her head. ``Well, I don't think I'll be gone all that long—five minutes, maybe—but if you need, just send a ping and I'll be right back.'' +Letting the skunk lace her fingers with eirs, ey shook eir head to dislodge the slight dizziness that had come with the realization and concomitant panic. ``Maybe?'' Ey forced a smile. ``I mean, maybe uploading was my fix for that situation? I don't know.'' -``I am not expecting anything so dramatic. I will stay here and try to de-stress. True Name still has about half an hour left of\ldots well, whatever it is that she is doing.'' +She nodded, gave eir hand a gentle squeeze. -Ey tightened eir arms around the skunk for a squeeze, kissed her atop the head, then stepped back. ``All the same, just stay safe, alright?'' +``I think you're the only person I've really loved other than Rareș,'' ey said, nudging the conversation back on track to avoid settling into that particular rumination. ``That's what I meant. I want to make things good for you, whether it's you overflowing, stuff with True Name, or any other number of things that aren't my responsibility or even under my control.'' -She sniffled and nodded. ``You too, my dear. Good luck, and do not die.'' +May smiled, the expression veering perilously close to a smirk. ``You have said that you want to fix things for True Name at times, too. Are you sure that you are not in love?'' + +``I've also talked about how often I'll wind up getting caught off guard by how much you two still look and sound alike,'' ey said, smirking right back. ``She's nice and I do want to help her, but I think I'm a ways off from that.'' + +She laughed. ``I know, I know. You just leave yourself so open, sometimes, a girl cannot help herself. You are also allowed to want to help friends and acquaintances as well as me.'' + +``Skunks, I swear\ldots{}'' Ey laughed when she pinched at eir fingers, tugging eir hand free so ey could grab another plate of sushi. ``That's kind of what I was thinking about on the walk, though. I feel weirdly obligated to fix things. It's not my place to, I don't think either of you would be comfortable with that, and that's not even counting whether or not it's something either of you \emph{want}.'' + +``I do not know,'' she said, shrugging. ``I spoke about that with End Waking and Debarre recently, and am no closer to an answer. We did all agree, however, that you doing what you are is a good thing, in that it at least sets up an avenue for change, even if neither True Name nor I decide to take that step.'' + +Ey nodded. ``I just want things to remain smooth between everyone, is all. Maybe it's a little\ldots I don't know, overly conciliatory of me?'' + +``Perhaps, but that does not mean it does not have its own utility.'' + +They ate in silence for a few minutes, Ioan eventually giving up after finishing eir plate. It was no less easy to eat too much, even in an embedded world. + +``Are you okay with it?'' + +``Hmm?'' + +``Being between us. Interacting with the both of us even though I still resent her and she is still pleased with the work that she does. Are you okay being in the middle of that?'' + +Ey slouched back against the booth and watched the plates drift lazily by on the current, thinking. ``I don't know.'' + +``That is a perfectly valid answer, my dear.'' + +``I don't really like the feeling. I feel weird about it every time it comes up, much as we need to talk about it.'' Ey smiled, taking one of her paws in eir hand again. ``I agree that it has its uses. It's uncomfortable at times, but I don't think I'd be any more comfortable dropping out of the role.'' + +The skunk brushed her thumb over eir fingers, saying, ``I understand, Ioan. It is complex. If it needs to change, it can, and until then, even if I still harbor equally complex thoughts on True Name, I appreciate your position in our dynamic.'' + +The conversation drifted away from the subject after that, and the two wound up back at home to poke through their own projects even as the night fell early. + +It wasn't until they'd made it back to bed and curled up together that ey was finally able to truly let go of the topic, though; even throughout eir writing, a small portion of eir mind had been dedicated to the question of what eir role was between the two skunks and why it both rankled and felt necessary. diff --git a/mitzvot/content/010.tex b/mitzvot/content/010.tex index ad36b11..9493673 100644 --- a/mitzvot/content/010.tex +++ b/mitzvot/content/010.tex @@ -1,265 +1,153 @@ \begin{center}\rule{0.5\linewidth}{0.5pt}\end{center} -Ioan wasn't sure what ey was expecting, stepping back home. Certainly all of the instances of May had quit as soon as they'd left, and hopefully that meant that there wouldn't be any more reputation-analyst-\emph{cum}-assassins lingering around. All ey could hope is that ey wouldn't find any core dumps, just in case one of them had somehow killed one of her forks. It was vanishingly unlikely, given that the virus embedded in those symbolic objects—the syringes and knives and who knows what else—had to be tailored to whoever the target was. +Ioan was surprised by just how wrung out True Name looked during their Secession Day coffee date. The skunk's blouse was wrinkled, her normally orderly fur mussed atop her head, and her whiskers all abristle. She looked as though she'd not slept for days and certainly not changed outfits in at least as long. -\emph{Unless they're after the whole stanza or the whole clade,} ey thought, lingering in the entryway, straining to hear any sounds coming from deeper within the house. The entryway took the form of a short hallway that led into a large, rectangular room comprising a den, dining room, and kitchen, and at least the space directly ahead of em was clear. +All the same, her arrival was much the same as all the others had been, with her smiling to em, ordering her coffee, and joining em on the couch in order to set up a cone of silence. -\emph{This is stupid,} ey thought. \emph{I should just clear the whole place of everyone and completely reset the ACLs.} +``Good morning, Mx. Bălan. I trust you are well?'' -Curiosity won out, though, and ey set up a cone of silence above emself, set the visual ACLs secure, and then crept into the den. Ey'd be utterly silent and, as far as ey could tell, simply a blurry shape within a blurry patch of the room, though ey'd never tried the new features here at home. +``Uh, I'm fine, I guess.'' Ey frowned, continuing carefully, ``What about you, though? You look\ldots well, terrible.'' -Ey just had to hope that was enough. +The skunk's smile faltered, betraying the exhaustion that plainly lay beneath. With another blink, the cone's ACLs changed to opaque it from the outside. She sagged against the couch. ``I came in a rush, my dear, I apologize for my appearance.'' -Peeking around the corner revealed an empty den, though the clear evidence of a struggle remained: pillows and couch cushions were tossed about, a glass of juice had been knocked over on the table, and most of May's notes had been scattered in a crazed ring around her desk. +``You don't need to apologize, True Name. I'm just worried. Lots of Secession Day preparations?'' -The kitchen and dining area were also empty. Other than the chairs around the dining table knocked askew, there was no damage. +``Of a sort, yes. Things have been rather stressful the last few days.'' She laughed, shook her head, and added, ``Well, more than a little. I have been stretched very thin and am\ldots struggling.'' -The bedroom was similarly empty, bed still neatly made and a few of May's better origami creations untouched on the windowsill. +``Struggling?'' -It wasn't until ey made eir way out onto the balcony to check the back yard that ey found anyone. +The skunk's eyes darted around the coffee shop, scanning each face within at least twice. ``I am not comfortable expanding on that at the moment.'' -A tall, sandy-haired man sat in one of eir Adirondack chairs, cheek rested on his fist as he stared dozily out into the yard. It had been nearly twenty-five years since ey'd interviewed Jonas, and ey hadn't seen him at all in the interim, but nothing seemed to have changed about him. He was still polished to a gleam, every aspect of him still oozing confidence, still, as both May and True name had described him, perilously handsome. +Ey held up eir hands disarmingly. ``Of course. Are you at least excited about the day?'' -Ey dropped the cone warily. +``When I have the chance to slow down, I can feel some of that excitement. This provides me a good chance to do so. Twenty-five years since Launch and both LVs are continuing on in their journey with very few problems. Two and a quarter centuries since Secession and life continues smoothly here.'' -``Long time no see, Ioan.'' He grinned, nodding out to the yard. ``Lovely place you've got. So few people keep those good, full-bore winters anymore, you know?'' +``That seems to fit with your goals pretty well.'' -Ioan lifted eir hand to bounce him from the sim. +She gave a slight nod of acknowledgement, though she remained distracted. ``That it does, my dear.'' -Jonas lifted his hands, palms up. ``Hey, it's okay. I'm just here to talk. Mr.~Qián left after you and your partner did. Some dramatic stuff all went down all at once.'' +``You and Jonas planning anything for yourselves, at least?'' -``Jonas,'' ey said, standing well back from him. ``What are you doing here?'' +``There will be a gathering, yes,'' she said. ``Today at noon.'' -``Just waiting on you, mostly. I wanted to check and make sure you and May Then My Name were alright.'' +``\,`A gathering'? Not a party?'' -``Check\ldots{}'' Ey shook eir head. ``Why would you care about our well-being? You just sent an assassin to our house.'' +She shrugged. ``His words, not mine. I do not know what he is planning.'' -``Only to tidy up loose ends,'' he said, leaning back in the chair again and using the well-shined toe of his shoe to knock a bit of snow off the railing of the balcony. ``I trust you've stashed your skunks away somewhere safe?'' +``Well, hopefully a good one.'' -``\,`My skunks'?'' All of the stress of the last forty-five minutes that ey'd been holding back around May, all that had been obscured by eir need to get from point A to point B as quickly as possible, all of it came crashing down on em at once. ``\emph{`My skunks'?}'' ey shouted. ``Jonas, what the fuck? You sent a fucking assassin after True Name, sent him over to our house so he could hound May. What the hell are you even talking about? Of course I'm going to keep my fucking partner and friend safe if you're going to try killing them! Fucking\ldots{}\emph{`my skunks'}. Good Lord.'' +``Agreed. This will limit my time here, of course, I hope that you understand, and I may be distracted as several of my forks merge down to reduce conflicts while there.'' -Once ey'd finished and was left panting, Jonas sat up in the chair and grinned widely, clapping his hands. ``Mx. Ioan Bălan, such language! I didn't know you had it in you! Bravo.'' +Ey nodded. ``That's alright. I've got stuff to work on, too.'' -``Fuck you too.'' +Lapping at the whipped cream atop her drink, she once again scanned the crowd, which, as far as ey could tell, had not changed since she'd arrived. Something about her posture suggested that the topic of what was happening was closed, however, so ey made note to ask about it later instead. -That grin lingered as Jonas gave a hint of a bow. ``Very well, Ioan. To your concerns, the bit with May Then My Name was unintentional. Our plan kicked off early and one of True Name said that she was with you. While I was pretty sure that meant your little coffee shop, I figured I'd stop by just to make sure. Guōweī got a little excited when he saw May Then My Name, thinking it might be his target. She's quite good at fighting, your girl. You have my most abject apologies. We should've just waited.'' +They fell into work after that. True Name focused on her messages or dealt with merges while ey dedicated a token amount of effort to eir writing. The rest of em observed the skunk out of the corner of eir eye and thought about just how much must be happening for her to admit that she was struggling. 225 years since the System seceded from the rest of Earth's governments doubtless came with a lot of celebrations and announcements to make, speeches to write, hands to shake, or whatever it was that the non-leaders of Lagrange did in such an event. -``And True Name?'' +Add in the twenty-fifth anniversary since Launch and certainly there would be an added note of joy for many across all three Systems. Ioan was particularly looking forward to the letters from Castor and Pollux in a month and change to hear how things had gone on each of the LVs. Perhaps ey'd even hear from Sorina on Artemis. -``Ah yes your\ldots ah, friend, was it? Your friend and I had a meeting this afternoon where I was hoping to deal with all of that quietly and efficiently. Ah well, can't win 'em all, can you?'' He picked at his fingernails, looking the very picture of boredom. ``106 out of 109 isn't too bad, is it? Two merged down before I could get to them, so I guess that leaves just the one. Changes things a bit, doesn't it? On to plan B.'' +Still, True Name's mussed appearance and anxious expression seemed to go beyond that. Ey couldn't think of a reason related to the day that would have her in such a state. Things would be intense, but not so much so as to force her to drop her carefully constructed veneer of confidence. -``Plan A being to kill one of the most well-known members of one of the most well-known clades on all three Systems?'' +\emph{Ah well, at least she got some time off,} ey thought. This was followed by a gentle chiding which ey heard in May's voice. \emph{And you are not supposed to be fixing things, remember?} -``Yep!'' +Right. -Ioan gaped at him. ``\,`Yep'? Just\ldots yep?'' +Forcing emself to concentrate on eir writing at least bought em ten minutes of work. -Jonas laughed. ``That was the easiest one out of the bunch, I'll admit. I've got all the way through plan M, though, so don't worry, I've got it covered.'' +``Huh,'' True Name mumbled, frowning. -``Fine. Enlighten me. What's plan B?'' +``Hmm?'' -``Well, it starts here,'' he said, nodding toward em. ``Where I bring you on as an amanuensis one last time while True Name and I hash things out. Now that she knows, I can't exactly do away with her. She's almost certainly told some of her friends by now, so that changes the game.'' +She shook her head. ``Nothing, I suppose. Just got a merge from an instance, and it sounds like Jonas is looking for me. He knows that I am--'' -``And you need me to sit and listen to you prattle on at her?'' +Ey jolted back as the skunk leapt to her feet, gaze whipping about the room, then out through the windows to the street. Her tail was bristled out, ears pinned flat, and paws clenched tight, something ey'd only seen in May, and then only a handful of times. -``Yep, basically. I need you to witness and write about what happens and leave the rest of it to the grown-ups.'' +``True Name?'' -Ey scoffed. +She held up a paw, beckoning em to silence, and, despite the way she kept searching face after face, ey could picture dozens of sensorium messages flying back and forth from her. Her frown only deepened. -``Sometimes mommies and daddies fight, Ioan,'' Jonas said, then winked. ``So. You're on as amanuensis. Go and tell True Name to ping when she's ready and we'll have our meeting. Oh! And bring May Then My Name and End Waking with, if you can, yeah? The whole stanza will be there.'' +Ey closed eir notebook, figuring ey was pretty well ruined for work at this point, and watched her carefully. -``Why on Earth would I--'' +When nothing of interest appeared on the street, the skunk turned slowly to scan the room. Her eyes shot wide open, and ey followed her gaze out into the scant crowd of patrons. Everything was much as it had been: folks sitting and chatting, drinking their coffee, reading or doing work. She, however, seemed to be focused in particular on a middle-aged man walking from the back of the shop where a door opened onto patio seating. -``And no assassins, promise. I only mixed up a batch for True Name, no one else. No one's going to die, we're just going to have a talk and hash out some new boundaries, and you're going to watch and write it up at the end.'' +``Fuck,'' she said, then shouted, ``\emph{Fuck!}'' -``And why should I believe you on that?'' +She darted around the coffee table, knocking against it hard enough to send both of their drinks spilling across its surface, and grabbed eir hand. ``Go, Ioan! Go, \emph{go!}'' -He shrugged. ``You don't have to, but I am telling the truth, Ioan. If you and True Name don't show at the very least, you'd better plan on not leaving home or wherever you're staying ever again. Just because I \emph{didn't} mix up some syringes for you doesn't mean I \emph{can't}.'' +``What?!'' Ey scrambled to eir feet, eyes darting between True Name and that oddly familiar man walking towards them. ``Where?'' -``That's pretty dramatic.'' +``Home! Anywhere!'' -``I don't have the training your pretty little skunks have,'' he shot back. There was something vaguely feverish about him, running a little too hot. ``Just try and get everyone together and we can get this over with. There's no huge rush. Sometime within the year, okay?'' +It didn't seem open to discussion, and enough of her panic had built up in em by now that ey quickly stepped from the sim to home, yanking True Name along with. -``Why?'' Ey shook eir head. ``Why do you need to talk with her and why do you need an amanuensis? You have to give me something, here.'' +To home and chaos. -``No, Ioan, I don't,'' he said. ``Just tell True Name that I'm waiting. You can ask her all the questions you want.'' +There was a flurry of activity down the short hall from the entryway, several instances of May blinking into and out of existence, along with several more of the same man they'd seen at the shop. She was forking close enough to each instance of him to exercise the collision algorithms of the sim, knocking him this way and that to keep him away from her. She was screaming, ``Get the fuck out! I am not her! Get \emph{out!}'' -``Alright, fine,'' ey growled. ``Anything else?'' +``May!'' -``Nope! That's it for me. You can go back to your hidey-hole and get all smoochy with--'' +A few of the skunks looked over to the door, and then suddenly another was beside em, grabbing eir free hand. With a wrenching sensation, a sudden change in light and sound and gravity, the three of them stumbled out of Arrowhead Lake's default entry point. -Ioan completed the gesture ey'd suppressed since the beginning, bouncing Jonas from the sim. Ey held back the urge to scream out into the yard just as True Name had done earlier at the lake. +May pulled her paw roughly free of eir hand and whirled to face them, shouting, ``What the fuck did you do?!'' -Ey sent May a quick I'm-okay ping, then started riffling through the perisystem architecture for information on how to completely sweep a sim. There was nothing in there ey could find about checking who was swept, but it was still possible to sweep everyone who didn't currently have their home set to the current sim, and to receive explicit confirmation that this had been completed and how many instances it affected. +Tugging her own paw free, True Name darted away, looking around wild-eyed. ``How secure is this place?'' -Focusing on the set of steps required, ey triggered the sweep, then checked the log that it had left, eyes-only, for em in the architecture. +``I think May and I are the only ones who even know it--'' -\emph{Seventeen swept.} +She quickly ran a few paces into the woods, peering between the trees. -``\emph{Să-mi fut una,}'' ey mumbled. Ey'd checked the whole of the inside of the house, and could see no footsteps out in the snow, so unless everyone was hiding under the balcony or up on the roof, ey'd clearly missed at least some of them inside. +``Ioan,'' May growled. ``What the fuck just happened? Why the fuck was he in our house?'' -Now wasn't the time to be thinking about it, though. +Ey shook eir head, trying to dislodge the dazed confusion. ``I don't know. He was at the coffee shop, too. Who even--'' -Ey spent the next five minutes locking down and fine-tuning the ACLs for the house. By the time it was done, the house would only let em and May in as owners along with anyone they intentionally brought with them by hand. It was also now marked as invisible to all but a short list of allowed individuals. Debarre, End Waking, True Name, A Finger Pointing, Douglas, and a dozen or so others ey could think of who might conceivably want to know when they were home. +``Guōweī,'' she snapped, then shouted up to True Name, ``Why the fuck was he in our house? What did you do?'' -At last, ey stepped away from home and back to Arrowhead Lake. +The other skunk had shifted from her near feral crouch to standing, rigid and staring up into the branches, a look of dire concentration on her face. -May was sitting on the shore of the lake, knees up to her chest with her arms hugged around them and chin rested atop. Ey rarely saw her sit that way with the pressure it put on the base of her tail, but when the skunk got truly lost in thought—or truly upset—she'd fall back on old habits at the expense of her body. +When she didn't answer, May began pacing and muttering—whether to herself or through some sensorium message, ey couldn't tell. -Ey walked over to sit down beside her, sliding an arm around her waist. ``That's all done.'' +Guōweī. The assassin. The reputation analyst who had killed Qoheleth in the middle of his speech. -The skunk nodded. ``Thank you, my dear.'' +A quick prowl through eir memories lined up face with name. -She'd clearly been crying, given the tear-streaks on her cheeks and the hoarseness in her voice. Ey tightened eir arm around her and kissed at the side of her muzzle. ``I'm sorry, May.'' +Eventually, True Name's shoulders sagged and she stumbled down from the trees, Ioan and May both watching her, wide-eyed. She kept walking past them, past the trail, down onto muddy shore, then out into the water. The short waves lapped up against her legs, soaking her slacks, and still she kept walking. She walked until the lake had made its way nearly up to her waist. -``It is not on you, Ioan,'' she said, voice suddenly tight. ``All three of us can be sorry about the situation, but you are the least to blame of all of us.'' +And then she screamed. -Ey couldn't think of anything to say that wouldn't just make her feel worse, so ey just helped her scoot closer and lean more heavily against em to take the pressure off her tail. +It wasn't a shout, no words were behind it. It was a scream of pure, unrestrained emotion, though whether anger, fear, frustration, or something else, ey could not guess. -``True Name just got up,'' ey said after a few minutes. ``I'll have some stuff to say when she's back. Jonas was at the house.'' +Then she turned around and waded back toward the shore, stumbling once or twice, until she gave up and fell to her knees, water up to her waist once more. She beat at the surface of the lake with balled-up fists, growling and crying. Finally, she stopped, slouching over until she had to catch herself on her paws. -May winced and nodded, scrubbing her paws at her face to wipe away a few fresh tears. ``Okay.'' +May's fury, which until that point had been burning hot in her expression, was replaced by something more complicated. Anger, yes, but anxiety and fear as well. ``True Name,'' she said, voice now more under control than it had been. ``What happened?'' -``And I'm sorry to add on more stress, but I told you I'd tell you if I swept anyone while I was there, and the report says I swept seventeen instances.'' +``They are gone. They are all gone. Someone is trying to take me out,'' she said between heaving breaths. ``Trying to get rid of me.'' -``Seven\emph{teen?!}'' The skunk groaned into her paws as she rubbed at her face again. ``They have been busy.'' +``What? Why?'' ey said. -``Who was it? The report didn't tell me.'' +There was no answer from the skunk. -``Bugs,'' she said sourly. ``Little spies. People who fork to be small enough to hide on top of cabinets or behind pillows. Spy cameras that can think and act.'' +``Who, then?'' -Ey blanched. ``From Jonas?'' +She shook her head numbly. ``I do not know. There is a small list that we have been keeping our eye on. There are some reactionary elements that have been growing louder. I need to think. I need to\ldots but\ldots{}'' -``Yes, and probably some from the clade. Some from the first stanza hired by him or True Name however long ago.'' +They waited, tense. -``And they just listen and watch?'' +``But all of my instances are gone. Two merged back, one sent a message that she would be late, and then nothing.'' -``Creepy, is it not? I probably should have been more proactive about when I first moved in, but I did not think either of us interesting enough.'' +``\emph{All} of them?'' May asked. ``How many?'' -``Very creepy,'' ey muttered. All of their talks, all of their discussions and jokes and arguments, all of their pleasant silences and moments of intimacy, all being watched. ``What a nightmare.'' +``One hundred and eight.'' -She nodded. ``I am sorry, my dear. If it is of any consolation, they may not have been there the entire time, and I assure you that we really are quite boring. We have only had a few conversations of note over the last twenty-seven years, and the rest must have been excruciating to sit through.'' +At that eir partner let out a startled laugh. ``Jesus Christ, True Name.'' -``Or incredibly awkward.'' +Again, no answer. -The skunk gave em a quizzical look, then laughed. ``Gross, Ioan.'' +``Well, who would even know where your root instance was? Or all of your other instances, for that matter?'' Ioan asked. -``Not me! Them!'' +``My root--'' She tried to stand so quickly that she stumbled again and had to catch herself. ``You have to be fucking kidding me.'' -``Yes, yes. I agree, awkward. But here comes True Name, no need to be more awkward than we already are.'' +Her eyes went blank, and she frowned out toward nothing, though tears left tracks down her cheeks. -They stood up and brushed off their pants as the skunk came trudging around the last bend in the trail, looking utterly exhausted. +May looked to Ioan. ``What does she mean?'' -``Thank you for giving me the space,'' she said, bowing. ``And my apologies for the trouble of today.'' - -``It's not--'' Ey caught emself up short and shook eir head. ``Well, are you okay?'' - -The skunk shook her head. ``I am not, no. I am very nearly on the edge of collapse. I feel like I could either sleep for three days straight or cry for three days straight. Both, if it were possible.'' - -May took a deep breath, held it for a slow count of three, and very carefully let it out. ``I am sorry, True Name.'' - -True Name stood rigid, jaw working as she clenched her teeth in an effort to maintain control. After several long seconds, she sniffled, opened her mouth to say something, then shook her head and bowed deeply. - -Watching nervously, Ioan fiddled with the hem of eir vest. So much had happened in the last hour and a half, and now this exchange between eir partner and her cocladist was enough to start that anxiety rising within em again. With True Name trying her best not to cry openly and May clutching tightly at eir arm, both of them interacting with each other was a different sort of stress than the assassination attempt, but no less intense. - -``True Name,'' ey said carefully. ``There's no rush, but Jonas was there at the house. We can talk about it later, but I figured I'd give you a heads up.'' - -The skunk gave up on maintaining her expression and hid her face in her paws, nodding. ``Thank you,'' she croaked. - -Once she'd washed her face and calmed down enough to speak, the three of them set to work deciding what the next steps were. May suggested they stay at the lake for the night, explaining that they'd need time to sort out a living situation for True Name and that she wanted to go over their place with a fine-toothed comb before spending the night there again, anyway. - -True Name merely nodded. ``Is there a place here that I can stay?'' she asked. - -May winced and shook her head. ``It would be camping. We can make that work for tonight if we can scrounge up some gear, but a long-term solution is not feasible. This is not our sim and we do not have ACLs to build here or remove any unwanted visitors.'' - -She nodded. ``I understand. I will dig--'' - -``You will stay with us,'' May said quickly, as though rushing to get it out before second-guessing herself, a sentiment echoed in her expression. - -Both True Name and Ioan stared at her until she wilted. ``I am sorry. I know that things have been difficult between us and that a large part of that is on me, but that does not mean that I do not want you safe. If we have a place that we have complete control over from ACLs to building, that is safer than this security-through-obscurity abandoned sim, and our proximity will discourage further attempts on your life.'' - -``I can mirror the house, I think,'' Ioan said, once the shock had worn off. ``That'll get you a bedroom and furnishings.'' - -The skunk looked as though she was fighting off another wave of tears, but she nodded. ``Thank you both. I do not wish to impose, but I greatly appreciate your help in the interim.'' - -May nodded in turn. After a moment's silence, she turned to Ioan and said, ``My dear, can you see if End Waking can help us out with some camping supplies? I do not trust our place enough to go back and create obvious camping goods.'' - -``Me?'' - -``Please.'' She sighed. ``I do not think I have the wherewithal to do so, myself. I do not want to go and cry in front of someone else. I do not want to feel like I am begging, even if help comes willingly.'' - -Ey hesitated, nodded, and sent End Waking a sensorium ping requesting a meeting, which was quickly acknowledged. ``Alright,'' ey said, forking off a new instance. ``Back in a few.'' - -End Waking and Debarre were waiting for em at the new entry point to his sim. - -``Hey, sorry for the short notice.'' - -End Waking bowed. ``It is no trouble, Ioan.'' - -``You taking up camping?'' Debarre asked, grinning and leaning in to shake eir hand. - -``Uh, no, not quite,'' ey said. ``There's been\ldots well. Our sim isn't guaranteed safe at the moment.'' - -They both perked up at this. - -``Not safe? What does that mean?'' Debarre asked. - -``I don't want to get too much into it,'' ey said, thoughts racing. ``But needless to say, May and I aren't safe there. Some really dramatic stuff happened and literally no one is happy.'' - -End Waking rested a paw on Debarre's shoulder before the weasel could speak again. ``Perhaps you can expand on this soon, but for now, what do you need?'' - -``I will, I promise.'' \emph{And apparently I need to if you're to come with,} ey added mentally. ``We need stuff to camp for the night at Arrowhead. We can't make anything there, and May's worried about us going back home to procure anything that might tip folks off.'' - -The skunk nodded, looked thoughtful for a few seconds, and then waved his paw, bringing into being between them two folding camp cots, two bedrolls, a tent, two bundles of firewood, and some simple food—bread, salami, and cheese. - -``I will come help you set up,'' he said. ``It is all fairly straightforward, but tents require four paws.'' - -Ioan sighed, nodded. ``Thank you, End Waking. We'll, uh\ldots we'll need three sets, though.'' - -He paused in the act of bending down to lift one of the cot-and-bedroll combos. ``You will need three?'' - -``And two tents.'' - -Apparently unable to hold back any longer, Debarre spoke up. ``Ioan, I'm gonna go crazy if you don't give me at least something, here.'' - -``As am I,'' End Waking said. - -``Right. Well, sorry in advance for the stress.'' Ey paused to collect eir thoughts. Adrenaline seemed to have burned through much of eir energy reserves. Not yet 14:00 and ey was feeling exhausted. ``Jonas tried to assassinate True Name and made her think it was about some `reactionary elements' or something. He got all but her root instance, and that only because we were out for coffee at the time. He and his assassin also paid our home a visit and they were going after May in the confusion, so we're hiding at Arrowhead for the night.'' - -Silence. Silence but for the sound of a nearby waterfall and a few far-off birds. - -``Well, fuck me,'' Debarre said at last, rubbing at his temples. ``May Then My Name and True Name are stuck together?'' - -Ey laughed, surprising even emself. ``Yeah. Assassins and politicians and whatever, and the weirdest thing about it is seeing them talking.'' - -End Waking stood a while in thought, then waved his paw again to create another cot, bedroll, and tent. ``I will help you set these up, but I will not speak with her.'' - -``Are you sure, E.W.?'' Debarre frowned down at the gear. ``I mean, I guess it's fine giving them stuff, but I'm not exactly comfortable with you being anywhere near her.'' - -The skunk nodded. ``I need to, my dear. I need to be better to her than she might be to me in this situation.'' - -Ioan frowned. Ey wasn't so sure that the True Name of 2350 would be so callous, but now didn't seem like the right time to argue the point. - -``If you say so,'' Debarre said sourly. ``But I'm staying here.'' - -After a moment's concentration, a second End Waking stood beside the first. ``I will be staying with you, my dear, do not worry. No need to risk more than a fork.'' - -Ey bent down to pick up the two bundles of firewood while the new instance of End Waking picked up one of the sets of gear and held out his paw. Ioan took it in eir hand and stepped back to Arrowhead Lake. They dropped off their loads, then returned to pick up the second two bundles and the tents. - -End Waking set to work immediately, picking out a flat spot in the trees to set up both tents. Ioan was pleasantly surprised when they turned out to be fairly modern gear—at least, modern to the 2100s—thin nylon with carbon fiber spars and a seal-strip entrance which was kept sheltered by a fold in the fabric. The camp beds were of a strong fabric lashed to carbon fiber frames by some springy cord, providing a reasonable amount of give. The bedrolls turned out to be sleeping bags with foam pillows that expanded quickly when the seal-strip was undone. - -Throughout the whole process, May, True Name, and eir down-tree instance sat by the edge of the lake, far off to the side. Ey couldn't tell if they were simply being silent or if they were talking in a cone of silence, but, other than a brief nod to End Waking from May, they seemed keen on taking the space for themselves. - -Once the tents and camp beds were set up and Ioan had been shown where and how to start the fire, End Waking bowed politely and said. ``We will talk soon, Ioan, I am sure. Until then, please keep you and yours safe.'' - -Ey nodded and returned the bow. ``Thanks again, End Waking. You've been a huge help today, and yes, we'll be in touch.'' - -When the skunk had left, ey quit and merged back down to eir root instance. - -``Well, that's us settled for the night, I guess,'' ey said. ``We've got stuff for sandwiches, if you're hungry.'' - -Both skunks shook their heads. - -``Alright,'' ey said. Ey wasn't either, ey realized. The tail end of eir anxiety just had em jittery, wanting to keep moving. Once ey set that aside, ey realized just how exhausted ey was. - -They sat in quiet well into the evening, instead, each of them trying to digest the day in their own way. +Ey couldn't tear eir eyes off the other skunk, and it took em a few seconds to even work up the concentration to reply. ``Shortly before we left, one of her two merges said that Jonas was looking for her.'' diff --git a/mitzvot/content/011.tex b/mitzvot/content/011.tex index 48be6b6..6df8f03 100644 --- a/mitzvot/content/011.tex +++ b/mitzvot/content/011.tex @@ -1,129 +1,10 @@ -\begin{center}\rule{0.5\linewidth}{0.5pt}\end{center} +\hypertarget{part-ii-conflict}{% +\section{Part II --- Conflict}\label{part-ii-conflict}} -``This has been far and away the worst Secession Day I have had,'' True Name said. +\begin{quote} +\emph{To hone is to trade ends for perpetual perfection} -Ioan and May both snorted, then worked to finish their bites so that they could apologize. +The danger in ceaseless memorialization is how close it lies to idolatry. To elevate the dead to such a status as false god (for what being that is limited to the imperfection of memory is not false?) is to ceaselessly perfect the imperfectable. +\end{quote} -``Sorry, True Name,'' Ioan said. ``I don't know if you had a lot planned, but I'm glad you at least made it through.'' - -``It is okay to laugh. There is little else to do in the face of it.'' She smiled weakly. ``I am sorry that you two have been dragged into it along with me.'' - -``It's alright.'' - -``Well, not alright, necessarily,'' May added. ``But I am glad that you are not dead.'' - -``Thank you, May Then My Name. I do appreciate it.'' - -They fell back to silence, then, Ioan and May self-consciously finishing their sandwiches while True Name simply stared into the fire. She had made herself half a sandwich, explaining that she wasn't terribly hungry, and had yet to touch it. - -Once they had finished, the skunk sat up straighter and said, ``I think that I have had sufficient space from it, now. Can you tell me what Jonas said?'' - -Ey shrugged. ``Not a whole lot, all told, especially given how much he talked. He said that he wants to meet up with you to discuss next steps and that he wants me there as an amanuensis so that I can write another book.'' - -She tilted her head. ``You?'' - -``Yeah. He said\ldots well, let me start from the top. He said he was waiting there for me to make sure that May and I were alright, that he was there to tidy up loose ends, and that, uh\ldots{}'' Ey hesitated, unsure of how well Jonas's next comment would go over with either of the Odists. ``And that he trusted that I'd, and I'm quoting here, `stashed my skunks away somewhere safe'.'' - -Both May and True Name bridled at this, likely for similar reasons. - -``Sorry. I kind of blew up at him for that.'' - -``\,`Blew up'?'' - -``Yeah, just yelled at him for sending assassins after you two—he confirmed that Guōweī mistook you for her, May—and told him to fuck himself.'' Ey shrugged helplessly. ``I was pretty upset, I guess.'' - -``I am surprised that you stuck around long enough to listen to him, my dear,'' May said. ``He sounds like he was in rare form.'' - -``I mean, I don't know what he's like the rest of the time, but he was doing a really good job of being as insulting as possible. The `my skunks' part. `I don't have the training your pretty little skunks have', he said, and `sometimes mommies and daddies fight'. All these little things.'' - -True Name ground the heels of her palms against her eyes. ``I am sorry that you had to go through that, Mx. Bălan. It does indeed sound like he was in fine form. Did he explain his reasons for having you along as amanuensis at all?'' - -``Just that he needed me to witness and write about what happens and leave the rest to the grown-ups.'' Ey thought back and shrugged. ``That was most of what he said. He wanted to talk with you, wanted me to witness, and wanted the whole stanza there.'' - -May frowned. ``Including me?'' - -``Specifically you and End Waking, yeah.'' - -``Why would I trust him on that?'' - -``I mean, I don't,'' ey said, tossing a twig at the fire. ``He said no assassins, but who knows what else he has planned. And it does sound like he has it planned, by the way, that plan A didn't pan out, so he moved on to plan B, that he had up through plan M.'' - -``And nothing else?'' True Name asked. - -``That's about it. I swept him after that. Swept the whole place.'' - -The skunk's ears splayed to the sides. ``A preemptive apology is likely in order.'' - -``Yes, it probably is,'' May said, voice low and flat. ``Loss For Images?'' - -``Yes. Her and Even While Awake.'' She bowed formally. ``I apologize, you two. It was decided prior to Launch to observe those involved with the project and not aligned with us.'' - -``Those were \emph{your} spies?'' ey asked, some part of em unwilling to believe, rebelling against the rest of em, which was thinking \emph{of course they were}. - -``Yes. I Am At A Loss For Images In This End Of Days and And I Still Dream Even While Awake rode shotgun in May Then My Name's fur and have been living there since, swapping out forks as needed. Again my sincerest apologies.'' - -``How many?'' - -``Instances?'' - -Ey nodded. - -``Five. One in the den, one in the bedroom, one extra in the kitchen, one on the balcony, one in the yard.'' - -``Who were the other twelve, then?'' - -She tilted her head quizzically. ``You swept seventeen? Those were likely Jonas's, I imagine, there to watch his plan unfold.'' - -May's voice was steeped in sarcasm as she spoke. ``Find out any juicy details?'' - -Her cocladist held up her paws. ``There is no excusing my actions. I know that there is little that I can do to earn your trust, May Then My Name, and at this point, even I suspect that I do not deserve it. There were few details of note enough to report back to me. We knew of your career changes. We knew of your\ldots your feelings towards me. We\ldots well, they learned about the Artemisians early on when you got your letter from Castor, though in the last decade, the reports that I have received have decreased in number, which I attributed to a lack of interesting goings on. That they did not report on that letter is a red flag I should have paid attention to sooner.'' - -Ey shot May a questioning glance, but she shook her head. \emph{Perhaps she really doesn't know about Codrin and the Name,} ey thought. - -``And why did you not?'' May asked instead. - -``Pay attention to the red flags?'' True Name stared at the fire for a long few seconds, then shrugged. ``I was overworked and being fed bad information.'' - -``You overworked yourself, you mean. 108 forks! Did you synchronize daily?'' - -``Of course. Why would I not?'' - -``How are you even still sane?'' Ioan asked. ``I'm surprised you aren't jumping at shadows, at this point.'' - -``I am sure I will be now,'' True Name said. - -``She is not sane at all, my dear,'' May said at the same time. - -They frowned at each other. - -\emph{I'm glad End Waking gave us two tents,} Ioan thought. \emph{It's been civil so far, but\ldots{}} - -Aloud, ey asked, ``So, what's next? We head back tomorrow and build you a room, but then what?'' - -``What is next is that I try to salvage what I can from this. I imagine that my options will be severely limited if I am to continue existing as I am and still meet Jonas's demands, but that does not mean that I will set my goals aside.'' - -``\,`Continue as you are'?'' May growled. ``I cannot believe--'' - -There was a moment of tense silence, her jaw working as though straining to hold back some larger outburst. - -Once she'd mastered it, she said in a tightly controlled voice, ``I am going to stretch my legs.'' - -``Be safe, May,'' ey said quietly, watching the skunk stand and stomp off toward the lake. - -True Name watched her estranged up-tree instance with nothing but exhaustion in her expression. - -``I'm sorry, True--'' - -She waved a paw at em. ``Please, Ioan, this is not your fault. It is not your battle,'' she said curtly. - -They sat in silence then, each of them looking into the fire, neither making eye contact with the other. For eir part, ey spent the time doing eir best not to kick emself for jumping right in to fix things. Ey knew perfectly well not to apologize for May, and yet there ey'd gone and done it. - -Ey couldn't guess what the skunk was thinking. - -Eventually, she stood from her log and bowed to em. ``I am sorry, my dear. I did not mean to get short with you. It has been a terrible day.'' - -``Oh, uh,'' ey stammered, flicking eir gaze her way. ``It's alright. I think we're all pretty messed up right now.'' - -``Well put,'' she said. ``I am going to try and sleep. Which one is mine?'' - -Ey pointed her toward the tent with one cot in it and watched her slip inside, then sat and waited for May to come back, staring at the fire and trying not to feel bad enough for the three of them. +From \emph{Ode} by Sasha diff --git a/mitzvot/content/012.tex b/mitzvot/content/012.tex index 30bdf8f..45c9a63 100644 --- a/mitzvot/content/012.tex +++ b/mitzvot/content/012.tex @@ -1,111 +1,91 @@ -\begin{center}\rule{0.5\linewidth}{0.5pt}\end{center} +\hypertarget{ioan-bux103lan-2349}{% +\chapter{Ioan Bălan — 2350}\label{ioan-bux103lan-2349}} +\markboth{Ioan Bălan — 2350}{} -Everyone was off in the morning. Tired, grumpy, sore. +True Name, having gathered her wits about her at least enough to trudge out of the lake and fork herself dry, requested directions to somewhere she could think alone. Ioan gestured down the path toward the rock, explaining that it'd be far enough away that they wouldn't hear each other if she didn't want a cone of silence, which would dull the sounds of the sim, but that she'd still be able to see them at the entry point if anything happened. -The narrowness of the cots had frustrated Ioan and May throughout the night. They \emph{could} both fit on one, but only if they straightened out rather than their usual tight curl. At one point, they tried dragging the cots to be side by side, but the frames against each other made a hard ridge that was impossible to rest on comfortably. In the end, they'd fallen asleep, each on their own cot, facing each other with arms tangled enough to get at least some contact through the night. +``I need to think. No one from the stanza is replying, I am not sure which friends I can trust, and I definitely do not want to speak to Jonas,'' she explained, then rubbed her paws over her face. ``Or perhaps I just need to sulk. I will return in an hour.'' -Whether or not True Name had actually slept seemed up in the air. She had shrugged noncommittally when asked, but it certainly didn't look like she had. +She bowed to em and May then trudged off down the path. -Conversation was equally awkward. May apologized stiffly to her down-tree instance over breakfast of further sandwiches and True Name accepted graciously enough, but then they fell back into silence. +May glared after her down-tree instance with her paws bunched into fists and ears canted back, then whirled on Ioan, waving a cone of silence into being. -After breakfast, there was little else to do but head back home. They left the camp set up. Ioan couldn't begin to guess how to take down the tents, given how distracted ey'd been while End Waking had been setting them up. \emph{Besides,} ey reasoned. \emph{Best to keep them around just in case things go sideways.} +``Ioan, I am not at all happy,'' she said, voice frigid. ``I know that none of this is your fault except inasmuch as you have been meeting her for coffee, but I am having a hard time keeping my anger to myself.'' -They decided to leave forks behind in case anything went wrong, then Ioan took each of the skunks' paws and stepped back home. +Ey took a long breath, ran eir hands through eir hair, and paced in an abbreviated line before her. ``I know, May, I don't blame you. I'm completely baffled. Go ahead.'' -True Name immediately wrinkled her nose at the sight out the picture windows into the back yard. ``Snow?'' +``I spend two hundred fucking years trying to get away from that life, from all of her fucking schemes,'' she said, voice quickly rising in volume. ``And then I spend the last three trying to calm down so that I quit burning up whenever I so much as think about her, and now this. Look at us! Hiding in the woods from assassins. \emph{Assassins!}'' -``Ey is some sort of masochist,'' May said, \emph{sotto voce}. ``You will have to forgive em. Ey is working on it with Sarah.'' +Ey averted eir gaze from her. Nothing ey could say would help, and ey knew some remote part of emself was feeling much of what she was, too. -So out of place was the humor that it took em a moment to catch up. Ey laughed tiredly and shook eir head. ``For theatre nerds, you guys have no imagination. Coffee?'' +``Her and fucking Jonas are still doing whatever the fuck it is that they do, and now they are doing it to each other. Every time I think I can just settle down with you and get away from that, it just seeps right back in. I know that you were trying to do right by us, meeting up with her, but I really, \emph{really} wish you had not.'' -May leaned up and dotted her nose against eir cheek. ``You, my dear, are an utter delight.'' +``May, I--'' -True Name followed them into the den. ``Please. I am going to fall over if I do not have something.'' +``At least tell me what happened there.'' -May flopped down onto her usual beanbag and rubbed her paws over her face while True Name sat quietly at the dining table and Ioan made coffee. ``If it is alright by you two, I am going to take a shower after coffee, as hot as I can stand,'' May said. ``And then we can work on the addition.'' +``Right. We met up as usual. She was looking pretty terrible, and when pressed on it, she said she was struggling and wasn't comfortable elaborating. When asked about Secession Day, she said she and Jonas were going to have, in his words, a gathering. She said her instances were going to merge down for this and that one of them said he was looking for her. She kept getting anxious and looking around at everyone there, and then jumped up, I guess when merges stopped coming. Guōweī came in from the back and walked right toward us, then we stepped home and grabbed you.'' -``Sure. I can start by mirroring our room and then stripping personal items while you're getting cleaned up.'' +May crossed her arms and watched em pace and talk, her expression softening, though the frown remained. ``And that is it? No talk of these\ldots what, reactionary groups?'' -``Thank you both,'' True Name said, tracing a claw along the wood grain on the table, an incredibly familiar gesture from years of living with May. ``Again, I mean. I really do appreciate all that you are doing. Perhaps we can discuss boundaries and expectations later, but I am also looking forward to a shower.'' +Ey shook eir head. ``None today, none in the past. It seems like something she'd keep close to the chest.'' -Ioan nodded, finishing up the coffee prep—eirs black and both of the skunks' sweet and creamy—and carrying the mugs to each of them. ``I guessed,'' ey said, setting one down in front of True Name. ``Let me know if you need anything different.'' +``And it was in a cone with visual ACLs on secure?'' -Ey sat down carefully by May and held both of their coffees while the skunk scooted in close against em as usual before handing hers over. It felt good to be back in a more comfortable setting, back where ey and May could could at least get close, even if everything still felt nerve-wracking. +``Yeah.'' -They drank in silence for a while, minus a thank you from each of the skunks, the three of them doing their best to un-cringe from last day's worth of anxiety. +``But Guōweī was still walking right for you?'' -It worked a little too well, perhaps, as ey had to nudge May awake to finish her coffee and shower, and the prospect of levering emself out of the beanbag felt out of reach. All the same, ey needed to at least get the other room created, then perhaps the three of them could nap. +Ey nodded. -Once May was on her way to the shower, ey stood, finished eir coffee, and began to work. Ey dumped a series of intents into the sim. A doorway cut itself out of the wall opposite the one to eir own bedroom. A room extruded itself beyond the doorway, filling itself with all of the very same stuff that eirs and May's contained. The sim's boundaries whined in protest at not having enough for the windows to look out on and, too tired to think of any other options, ey mirrored the view of the yard as well so that True Name's room looked out over yet more grass and dandelions. +The skunk looked down to the ground, brow furrowed. ``I suppose if he knew she was there, that would be proof enough. I imagine a place like that chooses to display it as blurred out rather than completely hidden.'' -\emph{If she stays for any real length of time, maybe I can just mirror the rest of the house and she can have a full setup.} +``I guess,'' ey said, though the words lacked conviction to eir ears. ``Then she grabbed my hand and told me to go.'' -That was enough for now, though. Ey got started going through the room from top to bottom, wiping it of eirs and May's presence. Anything that wasn't the bed, the nightstands, and any other furniture was evaluated and either left for its decorative value or swiped away to nothingness. A damp May joined em partway through the exercise, and by the time they were done, the room was left clean and neat, sparsely decorated without being oppressively empty. +``She grabbed--'' She hesitated, mastered a sudden swell of anger, then subsided. ``It makes sense, I suppose. The chance that you would head someplace that she and Jonas could not guess is greater than if she had chosen. Ioan, my dear, you are pacing a hole in the path.'' -``Hopefully it's not too bleak,'' ey said once May had fetched True Name. ``I gave you some ACLs over the space if you need to make or recycle anything. Just let me know if the room itself needs changing.'' +``Sorry, May,'' ey said, trying to stand still. ``It's just a little nuts.'' -She stood silent and still for nearly a minute, leaving em to fidget while May looked on, frowning. +The skunk sighed, held out her paw to em, and gave her best smile. ``I know. I am really fucking confused and really fucking pissed, I do not imagine you are feeling much better. Would walking help?'' -Finally, she cleared her throat and said hoarsely. ``This is more than enough, my dear. I do not know why you two\ldots but, well, I should get cleaned up and then we can talk proper. I am perhaps a little too emotional for that at the moment.'' +Ey took her paw in eir hand and nodded. ``Please.'' -May sighed, nodded. ``At your own pace.'' +Remembering their promise to stay in sight, they walked slowly back and forth along the short stretch of beach near the entry point, still within sight of True Name, kneeling on the rock by the outlet of the lake. -They both bowed and backed out of the room to let True Name shut the door behind her so that she could shower. May took eir hand in her paw and led em over to the bean bag to get comfortable once again. +``I am sorry that overflowed onto you for a moment, Ioan. I did not mean to yell at you.'' -``You okay?'' ey murmured, once she was properly nestled against em, head tucked up under eir chin. +``You're fine, May, you just had some guy chasing you around our house trying to kill you or whatever, you're allowed to be pissed.'' -``I am tired, Ioan. I am tired and I am stressed and I am\ldots I do not know. Conflicted, perhaps.'' +She snorted and shook her head. ``He had only just arrived a few moments before you. I imagine True Name's fork said something about being with you but not where, so he came to our place and saw someone that looked vaguely like her. Perhaps they wanted it to be as close to simultaneous as possible for precisely this reason and one simply jumped the gun. I am surprised they did not just wait for her. How eager they must be.'' -``How do you mean?'' +``Makes about as much sense as any of this.'' Ey looked out across the lake at where the other skunk sat, head bowed. ``What do we do now?'' -She shrugged. ``It is much easier to hate from a distance, especially when one is built as I am.'' +``I do not know, my dear. I have had precisely as many assassins after me as you, now, and I do not know what to do about True Name. I guess just stay here for a bit and gather our wits.'' -``To love?'' +Ey sighed, bent down, and plucked at a pebble on the bank until it came free of the sand, tossing it into the water. Anything to keep from spiraling back into anxiety. ``I'll have to go back and clear the house at some point. I'll lock down the ACLs to us and any immediate guests.'' -She pressed her face against eir chest, sighed. +``I do not imagine you will find much there, now that we are gone, but I appreciate you doing a sweep all the same. I have some concerns about our privacy.'' -Ey wanted to ask her how well that fit her monologue, that idea that to be built to love is to be built to hate yourself. Ey wanted to go back sixteen hours or however long it had been and kick Jonas's ass. Ey wanted to go back twenty-four hours and warn True Name, to go back three and a half years and warn the True Name ey'd first gotten coffee with. +Ey frowned. -Instead, ey said, ``You're a good person, May.'' +She waved the idea away with a paw. ``If it is an issue, we will discuss it. If it is not, then I do not want to think about it any further.'' -She tightened her grip around em. ``Thank you, my dear.'' +``Well, if you say so.'' -When True Name finished her shower and grooming, looking far more herself than she had since the month before, they sat around the dining table to hash out boundaries. +She leaned against eir side, resting her head on eir shoulder. ``I am sorry, my dear. It is one of those things that is not a concern until it suddenly very fucking is.'' -``I do not want to impose on you more than I already have,'' she began. ``I will certainly stay out of your private space, and I figure a closed door is a plain enough signal to be left alone. Should I stick to my room for the most part?'' +Ey ruffled a hand through the fur between the skunk's ears, then settled eir arm around her shoulders. ``I'll tell you what all I find there, and we can both hope it's nothing. What will you do, meanwhile?'' -May let out a snort of laughter. ``I am sorry, True Name. I do not mean to laugh, but I have never heard you so deferential in my life.'' +``I am not sure. I do not particularly want to come with if they are looking for someone who looks like me. I will stay here and I guess keep an eye on our\ldots ah, guest.'' -The skunk canted her ears back. ``I am in shock, May Then My Name. My coworker of two centuries just tried to kill me. My life's work has been cut off from me. I have been invited to stay with one of the two up-tree instances of mine who dislike me the most, and I have never had to live with anyone before, not since before we uploaded. The offer remains for me to dig my own sim.'' +``You sure you'll be okay with that?'' -May bowed her head apologetically. +There was a long pause before the skunk gave in and slipped both of her arms around eir middle, burying her face against eir shirt. ``I do not know,'' she said, voice muffled and small. ``I thought that I would be, was going to \emph{say} that I would be, but I really do not know.'' -``I'd feel better if you stayed,'' Ioan admitted. ``It'd be too easy for you to either disappear into your new sim forever or wind up with another attempt on your life whenever you left.'' +Ey rested eir chin atop her head. ``Well, I don't think I'll be gone all that long—five minutes, maybe—but if you need, just send a ping and I'll be right back.'' -May nodded readily. ``You are safer here where no one can act openly against you. It may not be the most comfortable of situations, but I would also prefer that you not die.'' +``I am not expecting anything so dramatic. I will stay here and try to de-stress. True Name still has about forty-five minutes left of\ldots well, whatever it is that she is doing.'' -``Good points. Both of you. I would prefer not to die as well.'' She straightened up in her chair and smiled, a hint of that confidence showing through. ``So, to my question. Do you have any thoughts?'' +Ey tightened eir arms around the skunk for a squeeze, kissed her atop the head, then stepped back. ``All the same, just stay safe, alright?'' -``Closed doors means don't bother, stay out of each others rooms. Cones of silence and secure visual ACLs to be respected,'' ey said, then shrugged. ``But I think that's all obvious stuff. I don't see any reason for you to stay out of common areas, I guess, and I'm fine with you eating with us, too, but I also freely acknowledge that that's me speaking. I don't want you two, uh\ldots{}'' - -``Fighting and arguing should be avoided, yes,'' True Name said with a slight bow of acknowledgement. ``It is your house, though, and I know that our relationship is fraught. I will defer to May Then My Name, given the power dynamic and social restrict--'' - -``I promise that I will not try to pull out all of your fur or bounce you so long as you give us space when either of us ask, okay?'' - -The skunk blinked a few times, then smiled cautiously. ``Understood.'' - -``Wait, that easy?'' Ioan said. - -``Not everything need be complicated, my dear. Boundaries are most often found by crossing them. We will have negotiation ahead of us as well, I am sure.'' May shrugged, adding, ``This does not make our relationship any less complicated, but endlessly refining rules ahead of time will only stress all of us out.'' - -``I guess,'' ey mumbled. ``I just don't want you at each other's throats.'' - -``If we fight, we fight,'' she said. ``But if we are to be stuck together, then we will fucking get over it and have a civil house, at the very least. I will do all of the exercises Sarah has given me at once if that is what is needed to keep home from becoming unbearable.'' - -True Name nodded in agreement. ``I will do what I can to keep things comfortable and be out of your hair as soon as this is resolved. We will work it out if one of us gets upset. That includes you, Mx. Bălan. Please voice your concerns when they arise.'' - -Ey shook eir head. ``Alright, alright. Only concerns I have right now are taking a shower and a nap, then. I'll trust you two to make things work and will try not to mediate every single little disagreement.'' - -``Excellent. About fucking time,'' May said, patting eir hand. ``I will join you for the nap and try to be up for lunch.'' - -``Naps all around,'' True Name agreed. ``Again, thank you two.'' +She sniffled and nodded. ``You too, my dear. Good luck, and do not die.'' diff --git a/mitzvot/content/013.tex b/mitzvot/content/013.tex index f10c07e..50ade14 100644 --- a/mitzvot/content/013.tex +++ b/mitzvot/content/013.tex @@ -1,86 +1,265 @@ -\vspace{-0.4cm} \begin{center}\rule{0.5\linewidth}{0.5pt}\end{center} -The next few days felt careful. They weren't walking on eggshells around each other, it was not a worry of offending, but they all seemed to be hyper-aware of each other's presence in the house. +Ioan wasn't sure what ey was expecting, stepping back home. Certainly all of the instances of May had quit as soon as they'd left, and hopefully that meant that there wouldn't be any more reputation-analyst-\emph{cum}-assassins lingering around. All ey could hope is that ey wouldn't find any core dumps, just in case one of them had somehow killed one of her forks. It was vanishingly unlikely, given that the virus embedded in those symbolic objects—the syringes and knives and who knows what else—had to be tailored to whoever the target was. -Ioan and May called out from their performances and when A Finger Pointing asked why, May spent half an hour locked in the bedroom on a silenced sensorium conversation. Ioan received a very sincere note soon after wishing all three of them well. While she'd never spent much time worrying about the things True Name did, A Finger Pointing's tireless desire to be friends with everyone did not exclude her cross-tree instance. +\emph{Unless they're after the whole stanza or the whole clade,} ey thought, lingering in the entryway, straining to hear any sounds coming from deeper within the house. The entryway took the form of a short hallway that led into a large, rectangular room comprising a den, dining room, and kitchen, and at least the space directly ahead of em was clear. -For her part, True Name spent much of the first day silent in her room, though whether that was to sleep or to salvage the situation, ey couldn't tell. She poked her head out around dinner and said that she was too tired to join and that she would see them in the morning. +\emph{This is stupid,} ey thought. \emph{I should just clear the whole place of everyone and completely reset the ACLs.} -Ey couldn't blame her. Even with the two hour nap before lunch, Ioan felt groggy and disoriented for the remainder of the day. \emph{I'm becoming like May,} ey thought. \emph{I don't sleep well alone, or even separated by camp bed frames.} +Curiosity won out, though, and ey set up a cone of silence above emself, set the visual ACLs secure, and then crept into the den. Ey'd be utterly silent and, as far as ey could tell, simply a blurry shape within a blurry patch of the room, though ey'd never tried the new features here at home. -All three of them slept in late the next morning, Ioan only rising at nine when ey received the gentlest possible sensorium ping from True Name. +Ey just had to hope that was enough. -Ey found her in the kitchen, standing in front of the coffee machine, looking baffled. +Peeking around the corner revealed an empty den, though the clear evidence of a struggle remained: pillows and couch cushions were tossed about, a glass of juice had been knocked over on the table, and most of May's notes had been scattered in a crazed ring around her desk. -``I am sorry if I woke you, my dear. There are more buttons on this than I know what to do with.'' +The kitchen and dining area were also empty. Other than the chairs around the dining table knocked askew, there was no damage. -``It's alright. I went through a coffee phase years ago and wound up with this. I usually just tap here\ldots then here\ldots and then this last one for three cups.'' +The bedroom was similarly empty, bed still neatly made and a few of May's better origami creations untouched on the windowsill. -She bowed. ``Thank you. I would complain, but it does make good coffee.'' +It wasn't until ey made eir way out onto the balcony to check the back yard that ey found anyone. -The skunk looked so much like eir partner that ey had to stop emself from reaching out to ruffle her ears. Ey disguised the motion as leaning back against the counter and rubbing the sleep from eir eyes. ``Good coffee's a necessity. Sleep alright?'' +A tall, sandy-haired man sat in one of eir Adirondack chairs, cheek rested on his fist as he stared dozily out into the yard. It had been nearly twenty-five years since ey'd interviewed Jonas, and ey hadn't seen him at all in the interim, but nothing seemed to have changed about him. He was still polished to a gleam, every aspect of him still oozing confidence, still, as both May and True name had described him, perilously handsome. -``Well enough, yes. It has been a few days since this instance has had the chance, so it was starting to build up.'' +Ey dropped the cone warily. -``Days? Good Lord. I don't know how you can do that.'' +``Long time no see, Ioan.'' He grinned, nodding out to the yard. ``Lovely place you've got. So few people keep those good, full-bore winters anymore, you know?'' -``Anxiety, caffeine, and 263 years of practice.'' +Ioan lifted eir hand to bounce him from the sim. -Ey laughed. ``I don't know, I think it might be a you thing. May seems pretty fond of it.'' +Jonas lifted his hands, palms up. ``Hey, it's okay. I'm just here to talk. Mr.~Qián left after you and your partner did. Some dramatic stuff all went down all at once.'' -``An improvement, then,'' she said, grinning. ``Mugs?'' +``Jonas,'' ey said, standing well back from him. ``What are you doing here?'' -Ey showed her where they kept the mugs, then the cream and sugar for doctoring coffee and spoons for stirring. Once the pot finished brewing and all three cups had been poured, ey excused emself back to the bedroom with eirs and May's coffee to finish waking up with eir partner. +``Just waiting on you, mostly. I wanted to check and make sure you and May Then My Name were alright.'' -And so it continued. They would speak in the morning and over dinner, perhaps a few times throughout the day, but otherwise, they worked on their own projects. They'd say good morning to each other, say good night to each other, say polite things in passing. Little of it felt like it was done out of kindness, but rather out of a need to remain cognizant of each other's presence, to keep a semblance of peace through performative normalcy. +``Check\ldots{}'' Ey shook eir head. ``Why would you care about our well-being? You just sent an assassin to our house.'' -Even the weather felt careful. The snow first melted and then was replaced when a new storm lay down a delicate few inches. +``Only to tidy up loose ends,'' he said, leaning back in the chair again and using the well-shined toe of his shoe to knock a bit of snow off the railing of the balcony. ``I trust you've stashed your skunks away somewhere safe?'' -It was the third full day since their return when the spell was broken. Shortly after lunch, True Name stepped into May's field of view, bowed, and politely requested a conversation with her. +``\,`My skunks'?'' All of the stress of the last half hour that ey'd been holding back around May, all that had been obscured by eir need to get from point A to point B as quickly as possible, all of it came crashing down on em at once. ``\emph{`My skunks'?}'' ey shouted. ``Jonas, what the fuck? You sent a fucking assassin after True Name, sent him over to our house so he could hound May. What the hell are you even talking about? Of course I'm going to keep my fucking partner and friend safe if you're going to try killing them! Fucking\ldots{}\emph{`my skunks'}. Good Lord.'' -The skunk frowned and beckoned her over to the couch. +Once ey'd finished and was left panting, Jonas sat up in the chair and grinned widely, clapping his hands. ``Mx. Ioan Bălan, such language! I didn't know you had it in you! Bravo.'' -True Name apologized to Ioan, then set up a cone of silence with secure visual ACLs. +``Fuck you too.'' -Three days was just long enough to start building up the scaffolding of habits, such that Ioan was left anxious and jittery when they were jostled. Seeing it from the outside for the first time, ey was left with a slight sense of disorientation from the way the cone blurred both the occupants and the background, the edges of its boundaries unnervingly sharp. +That grin lingered as Jonas gave a hint of a bow. ``Very well, Ioan. To your concerns, the bit with May Then My Name was unintentional. Our plan kicked off early and one of True Name said that she was with you. While I was pretty sure that meant your little coffee shop, I figured I'd stop by just to make sure. Guōweī got a little excited when he saw May Then My Name, thinking it might be his target. She's quite good at fighting, your girl. You have my most abject apologies. We should've just waited.'' -There was nothing to be gained from watching the indistinct shapes within. A quiet conversation had them simply looking like two black forms against the relative brightness of the balcony. Ey couldn't see expressions, couldn't see but the most grandiose of body language. +``And True Name?'' -And yet ey watched, slipping over to the kitchen to clean, or at least dream up some chore that needed doing there, just so that ey could keep an eye on the cone. +``Ah yes your\ldots ah, friend, was it? Your friend and I had a meeting this afternoon where I was hoping to deal with all of that quietly and efficiently. Ah well, can't win 'em all, can you?'' He picked at his fingernails, looking the very picture of boredom. ``106 out of 109 isn't too bad, is it? Two merged down before I could get to them, so I guess that leaves just the one. Changes things a bit, doesn't it? On to plan B.'' -It was boring, and that it was boring only drove eir anxiety higher. +``Plan A being to kill one of the most well-known members of one of the most well-known clades on all three Systems?'' -The conversation lasted nearly an hour, and when the cone dropped, ey was greeted once again by the sight of the two skunks. To say that neither looked happy missed the mark: True Name had a dullness to her expression, something between hopelessness and resignation, while May looked apoplectic. She'd clearly been crying quite hard at one point. +``Yep!'' -Ey ducked around the kitchen counter as quickly as ey could. ``May? True Name? Are you--'' +Ioan gaped at him. ``\,`Yep'? Just\ldots yep?'' -May waved a paw dismissively and blipped out of the sim. There was a sensorium ping a moment later, a view of Arrowhead Lake. +Jonas laughed. ``That was the easiest one out of the bunch, I'll admit. I've got all the way through plan M, though, so don't worry, I've got it covered.'' -``What just happened?'' +``Fine. Enlighten me. What's plan B?'' -True Name shrugged, the movement looking as though she was struggling against dozens of gravities rather than just one. ``I explained what has been happening.'' +``Well, it starts here,'' he said, nodding toward em. ``Where I bring you on as an amanuensis one last time while True Name and I hash things out. Now that she knows, I can't exactly do away with her. She's almost certainly told some of her friends by now, so that changes the game.'' -Ey frowned, feeling eir own anger rise out of anxiety. ``Well? What's been happening? I don't exactly like seeing her that upset.'' +``And you need me to sit and listen to you prattle on at her?'' -``No, I imagine not.'' She sighed and slouched against the back of the couch, rubbing at her forehead. ``I explained the shift between Jonas and I over the last twenty-five years. I explained the last few weeks.'' +``Yep, basically. I need you to witness and write about what happens and leave the rest of it to the grown-ups.'' -``And pissed her off.'' +Ey scoffed. -She rolled her head to the side, enough to get a sidelong glance at em. ``I am sorry, Ioan. I cannot be the only one to know these things. I have had all of my existing support removed. All of my forks, all of my cocladists, most of my friends. I have had to cancel all of my appointments with Sarah. It is small consolation, I am sure, but I have left May Then My Name angrier at Jonas than I think she ever was at me.'' +``Sometimes mommies and daddies fight, Ioan,'' Jonas said, then winked. ``So. You're on as amanuensis. Go and tell True Name to ping when she's ready and we'll have our meeting. Oh! And bring May Then My Name and End Waking with, if you can, yeah? The whole stanza will be there.'' -Ey blinked and straightened up. ``At Jonas?'' +``Why on Earth would I--'' -She let her head slip back down off the back of the couch, looking down at her paws. ``I cannot tell you, Ioan. Not yet.'' +``And no assassins, promise. I only mixed up a batch for True Name, no one else. No one's going to die, we're just going to have a talk and hash out some new boundaries, and you're going to watch and write it up at the end.'' -``Nothing?'' Ey shook eir head. ``Sorry, True Name, I'm not asking you to betray a secret or anything. I'm just worried.'' +``And why should I believe you on that?'' -``I understand, my dear.'' There seemed to be more coming, but she sat for another minute or so, just staring down at her paws on her lap. +He shrugged. ``You don't have to, but I am telling the truth, Ioan. If you and True Name don't show at the very least, you'd better plan on not leaving home or wherever you're staying ever again. Just because I \emph{didn't} mix up some syringes for you doesn't mean I \emph{can't}.'' -``I'm sorry, True N--'' +``That's pretty dramatic.'' -``What was it that he said to you? `Sometimes mommies and daddies fight'?'' +``I don't have the training your pretty little skunks have,'' he shot back. There was something vaguely feverish about him, running a little too hot. ``Just try and get everyone together and we can get this over with. There's no huge rush. Sometime within the year, okay?'' -``Wait, but\ldots what?'' +``Why?'' Ey shook eir head. ``Why do you need to talk with her and why do you need an amanuensis? You have to give me something, here.'' -She shrugged again, slowly rolled up off the couch to her feet, swayed for a moment, then walked off to her room, the door snicking shut behind her. +``No, Ioan, I don't,'' he said. ``Just tell True Name that I'm waiting. You can ask her all the questions you want.'' + +``Alright, fine,'' ey growled. ``Anything else?'' + +``Nope! That's it for me. You can go back to your hidey-hole and get all smoochy with--'' + +Ioan completed the gesture ey'd suppressed since the beginning, bouncing Jonas from the sim. Ey held back the urge to scream out into the yard just as True Name had done earlier at the lake. + +Ey sent May a quick I'm-okay ping, then started riffling through the perisystem architecture for information on how to completely sweep a sim. There was nothing in there ey could find about checking who was swept, but it was still possible to sweep everyone who didn't currently have their home set to the current sim, and to receive explicit confirmation that this had been completed and how many instances it affected. + +Focusing on the set of steps required, ey triggered the sweep, then checked the log that it had left, eyes-only, for em in the architecture. + +\emph{Seventeen swept.} + +``\emph{Să-mi fut una,}'' ey mumbled. Ey'd checked the whole of the inside of the house, and could see no footsteps out in the snow, so unless everyone was hiding under the balcony or up on the roof, ey'd clearly missed at least some of them inside. + +Now wasn't the time to be thinking about it, though. + +Ey spent the next five minutes locking down and fine-tuning the ACLs for the house. By the time it was done, the house would only let em and May in as owners along with anyone they intentionally brought with them by hand. It was also now marked as invisible to all but a short list of allowed individuals. Debarre, End Waking, True Name, A Finger Pointing, Douglas, and a handful of others ey could think of who might conceivably want to know when they were home. + +At last, ey stepped away from home and back to Arrowhead Lake. + +May was sitting on the shore of the lake, knees up to her chest with her arms hugged around them and chin rested atop. Ey rarely saw her sit that way with the pressure it put on the base of her tail, but when the skunk got truly lost in thought—or truly upset—she'd fall back on old habits at the expense of her body. + +Ey walked over to sit down beside her, sliding an arm around her waist. ``That's all done.'' + +The skunk nodded. ``Thank you, my dear.'' + +She'd clearly been crying, given the tear-streaks on her cheeks and the hoarseness in her voice. Ey tightened eir arm around her and kissed at the side of her muzzle. ``I'm sorry, May.'' + +``It is not on you, Ioan,'' she said, voice suddenly tight. ``All three of us can be sorry about the situation, but you are the least to blame of all of us.'' + +Ey couldn't think of anything to say that wouldn't just make her feel worse, so ey just helped her scoot closer and lean more heavily against em to take the pressure off her tail. + +``True Name just got up,'' ey said after a few minutes. ``I'll have some stuff to say when she's back. Jonas was at the house.'' + +May winced and nodded, scrubbing her paws at her face to wipe away a few fresh tears. ``Okay.'' + +``And I'm sorry to add on more stress, but I told you I'd tell you if I swept anyone while I was there, and the report says I swept seventeen instances.'' + +``Seven\emph{teen?!}'' The skunk groaned into her paws as she rubbed at her face again. ``They have been busy.'' + +``Who was it? The report didn't tell me.'' + +``Bugs,'' she said sourly. ``Little spies. People who fork to be small enough to hide on top of cabinets or behind pillows. Spy cameras that can think and act.'' + +Ey blanched. ``From Jonas?'' + +``Yes, and probably some from the clade. Some from the first stanza hired by him or True Name however long ago.'' + +``And they just listen and watch?'' + +``Creepy, is it not? I probably should have been more proactive about when I first moved in, but I did not think either of us interesting enough.'' + +``Very creepy,'' ey muttered. All of their talks, all of their discussions and jokes and arguments, all of their pleasant silences and moments of intimacy, all being watched. ``What a nightmare.'' + +She nodded. ``I am sorry, my dear. If it is of any consolation, they may not have been there the entire time, and I assure you that we really are quite boring. We have only had a few conversations of note over the last twenty-seven years, and the rest must have been excruciating to sit through.'' + +``Or incredibly awkward.'' + +The skunk gave em a quizzical look, then laughed. ``Gross, Ioan.'' + +``Not me! Them!'' + +``Yes, yes. I agree, awkward. But here comes True Name, no need to be more awkward than we already are.'' + +They stood up and brushed off their pants as the skunk came trudging around the last bend in the trail, looking utterly exhausted. + +``Thank you for giving me the space,'' she said, bowing. ``And my apologies for the trouble of today.'' + +``It's not--'' Ey caught emself up short and shook eir head. ``Well, are you okay?'' + +The skunk shook her head. ``I am not, no. I am very nearly on the edge of collapse. I feel like I could either sleep for three days straight or cry for three days straight. Both, if it were possible.'' + +May took a deep breath, held it for a slow count of three, and very carefully let it out. ``I am sorry, True Name.'' + +True Name stood rigid, jaw working as she clenched her teeth in an effort to maintain control. After several long seconds, she sniffled, opened her mouth to say something, then shook her head and bowed deeply. + +Watching nervously, Ioan fiddled with the hem of eir vest. So much had happened in the last hour and a half, and now this exchange between eir partner and her cocladist was enough to start that anxiety rising within em again. With True Name trying her best not to cry openly and May clutching tightly at eir arm, both of them interacting with each other was a different sort of stress than the assassination attempt, but no less intense. + +``True Name,'' ey said carefully. ``There's no rush, but Jonas was there at the house. We can talk about it later, but I figured I'd give you a heads up.'' + +The skunk gave up on maintaining her expression and hid her face in her paws, nodding. ``Thank you,'' she croaked. + +Once she'd washed her face and calmed down enough to speak, the three of them set to work deciding what the next steps were. May suggested they stay at the lake for the night, explaining that they'd need time to sort out a living situation for True Name and that she wanted to go over their place with a fine-toothed comb before spending the night there again, anyway. + +True Name merely nodded. ``Is there a place here that I can stay?'' she asked. + +May winced and shook her head. ``It would be camping. We can make that work for tonight if we can scrounge up some gear, but a long-term solution is not feasible. This is not our sim and we do not have ACLs to build here or remove any unwanted visitors.'' + +She nodded. ``I understand. I will dig--'' + +``You will stay with us,'' May said quickly, as though rushing to get it out before second-guessing herself, a sentiment echoed in her expression. + +Both True Name and Ioan stared at her until she wilted. ``I am sorry. I know that things have been difficult between us and that a large part of that is on me, but that does not mean that I do not want you safe. If we have a place that we have complete control over from ACLs to building, that is safer than this security-through-obscurity abandoned sim, and our proximity will discourage further attempts on your life.'' + +``I can mirror the house, I think,'' Ioan said, once the shock had worn off. ``That'll get you a bedroom and furnishings.'' + +The skunk looked as though she was fighting off another wave of tears, but she nodded. ``Thank you both. I do not wish to impose, but I greatly appreciate your help in the interim.'' + +May nodded in turn. After a moment's silence, she turned to Ioan and said, ``My dear, can you see if End Waking can help us out with some camping supplies? I do not trust our place enough to go back and create obvious camping goods.'' + +``Me?'' + +``Please.'' She sighed. ``I do not think I have the wherewithal to do so, myself. I do not want to go and cry in front of someone else. I do not want to feel like I am begging, even if help comes willingly.'' + +Ey hesitated, nodded, and sent End Waking a sensorium ping requesting a meeting, which was quickly acknowledged. ``Alright,'' ey said, forking off a new instance. ``Back in a few.'' + +End Waking and Debarre were waiting for em at the new entry point to his sim. + +``Hey, sorry for the short notice.'' + +End Waking bowed. ``It is no trouble, Ioan.'' + +``You taking up camping?'' Debarre asked, grinning and leaning in to shake eir hand. + +``Uh, no, not quite,'' ey said. ``There's been\ldots well. Our sim isn't guaranteed safe at the moment.'' + +They both perked up at this. + +``Not safe? What does that mean?'' Debarre asked. + +``I don't want to get too much into it,'' ey said, thoughts racing. ``But needless to say, May and I aren't safe there. Some really dramatic stuff happened and literally no one is happy.'' + +End Waking rested a paw on Debarre's shoulder before the weasel could speak again. ``Perhaps you can expand on this soon, but for now, what do you need?'' + +``I will, I promise.'' \emph{And apparently I need to if you're to come with,} ey added mentally. ``We need stuff to camp for the night at Arrowhead. We can't make anything there, and May's worried about us going back home to procure anything that might tip folks off.'' + +The skunk nodded, looked thoughtful for a few seconds, and then waved his paw, bringing into being between them two folding camp cots, two bedrolls, a tent, two bundles of firewood, and some simple food—bread, salami, and cheese. + +``I will come help you set up,'' he said. ``It is all fairly straightforward, but tents require four paws.'' + +Ioan sighed, nodded. ``Thank you, End Waking. We'll, uh\ldots we'll need three sets, though.'' + +He paused in the act of bending down to lift one of the cot-and-bedroll combos. ``You will need three?'' + +``And two tents.'' + +Apparently unable to hold back any longer, Debarre spoke up. ``Ioan, I'm gonna go crazy if you don't give me at least something, here.'' + +``As am I,'' End Waking said. + +``Right. Well, sorry in advance for the stress.'' Ey paused to collect eir thoughts. Adrenaline seemed to have burned through much of eir energy reserves. Not yet 14:00 and ey was feeling exhausted. ``Jonas tried to assassinate True Name and made her think it was about some `reactionary elements' or something. He got all but her root instance, and that only because we were out for coffee at the time. He and his assassin also paid our home a visit and they were going after May in the confusion, so we're hiding at Arrowhead for the night.'' + +Silence. Silence but for the sound of a nearby waterfall and a few far-off birds. + +``Well, fuck me,'' Debarre said at last, rubbing at his temples. ``May Then My Name and True Name are stuck together?'' + +Ey laughed, surprising even emself. ``Yeah. Assassins and politicians and whatever, and the weirdest thing about it is seeing them talking.'' + +End Waking stood a while in thought, then waved his paw again to create another cot, bedroll, and tent. ``I will help you set these up, but I will not speak with her.'' + +``Are you sure, E.W.?'' Debarre frowned down at the gear. ``I mean, I guess it's fine giving them stuff, but I'm not exactly comfortable with you being anywhere near her.'' + +The skunk nodded. ``I need to, my dear. I need to be better to her than she might be to me in this situation.'' + +Ioan frowned. Ey wasn't so sure that the True Name of 2350 would be so callous, but now didn't seem like the right time to argue the point. + +``If you say so,'' Debarre said sourly. ``But I'm staying here.'' + +After a moment's concentration, a second End Waking stood beside the first. ``I will be staying with you, my dear, do not worry. No need to risk more than a fork.'' + +Ey bent down to pick up the two bundles of firewood while the new instance of End Waking picked up one of the sets of gear and held out his paw. Ioan took it in eir hand and stepped back to Arrowhead Lake. They dropped off their loads, then returned to pick up the second two bundles and the tents. + +End Waking set to work immediately, picking out a flat spot in the trees to set up both tents. Ioan was pleasantly surprised when they turned out to be fairly modern gear—at least, modern to the 2100s—thin nylon with carbon fiber spars and a seal-strip entrance which was kept sheltered by a fold in the fabric. The camp beds were of a strong fabric lashed to carbon fiber frames by some springy cord, providing a reasonable amount of give. The bedrolls turned out to be sleeping bags with foam pillows that expanded quickly when the seal-strip was undone. + +Throughout the whole process, May, True Name, and eir down-tree instance sat by the edge of the lake, far off to the side. Ey couldn't tell if they were simply being silent or if they were talking in a cone of silence, but, other than a brief nod to End Waking from May, they seemed keen on taking the space for themselves. + +Once the tents and camp beds were set up and Ioan had been shown where and how to start the fire, End Waking bowed politely and said. ``We will talk soon, Ioan, I am sure. Until then, please keep you and yours safe.'' + +Ey nodded and returned the bow. ``Thanks again, End Waking. You've been a huge help today, and yes, we'll be in touch.'' + +When the skunk had left, ey quit and merged back down to eir root instance. + +``Well, that's us settled for the night, I guess,'' ey said. ``We've got stuff for sandwiches, if you're hungry.'' + +Both skunks shook their heads. + +``Alright,'' ey said. Ey wasn't either, ey realized. The tail end of eir anxiety just had em jittery, wanting to keep moving. Once ey set that aside, ey realized just how exhausted ey was. + +They sat in quiet well into the evening, instead, each of them trying to digest the day in their own way. diff --git a/mitzvot/content/014.tex b/mitzvot/content/014.tex index ddafa92..e5dced5 100644 --- a/mitzvot/content/014.tex +++ b/mitzvot/content/014.tex @@ -1,201 +1,129 @@ -\hypertarget{debarre-2350}{% -\chapter{Debarre — 2350}\label{debarre-2350}} -\markboth{Debare — 2350}{} +\begin{center}\rule{0.5\linewidth}{0.5pt}\end{center} -The next few days after Ioan's visit and brief explanation about what had happened with True Name were full of long walks and longer silences. End Waking politely requested that Debarre remain behind for the majority of the walks. +``This has been far and away the worst Secession Day I have had,'' True Name said. -There was a sense in the air that the skunk wanted to ask him to leave again, to fall back into solitude and, though he'd never use the word around him, moping. He'd still talk, still hold up his end of the conversations, but always there would be a slight pause before speaking, always a bit more distance than usual, always something out in the forest that called to him just that much more strongly than the weasel before him. +Ioan and May both snorted, then worked to finish their bites so that they could apologize. -It was never comfortable to be asked to leave one's partner. He knew the reasons, could understand the drive, but to build a relationship up over however many decades it was now, and yet still need to put it on hold for months or, on one occasion, years at a time still hurt. +``Sorry, True Name,'' Ioan said. ``I don't know if you had a lot planned, but I'm glad you at least made it through.'' -He knew he had a temper, too. He'd spent the last centuries going all the way back to Cicero's death working on setting that aside when he could feel it getting too hot within him. He always worked his hardest at that around End Waking. He loved the skunk, wanted nothing but the best for him, and although he knew that End Waking was one of the more resilient Odists, he had also known Michelle far longer than\ldots well, just about anyone possibly could, now. Two and a half centuries was a long time to understand just how the other person processes pain and trauma, and he didn't want to add to any of the Odists' burden, having spent so long with them from the beginning. From before the beginning, in some senses. +``It is okay to laugh. There is little else to do in the face of it.'' She smiled weakly. ``I am sorry that you two have been dragged into it along with me.'' -Well, except perhaps True Name. +``It's alright.'' -There were few enough people he hated in the world, though certainly a great many who grated on his nerves. True Name and her ilk, though, were universally among that number. He knew he could never hurt anyone, but, well, everyone had their fantasies. He knew he should never wish harm befall anyone, but some people\ldots{} +``Well, not alright, necessarily,'' May added. ``But I am glad that you are not dead.'' -This latest development was putting this to the test. +``Thank you, May Then My Name. I do appreciate it.'' -He'd continue the work on the cabin while End Waking went for his walks—they'd gotten the floor and stove in place, as well as the A-frame, but the canvas of the tent still needed to be strung, and he had a few ideas for improvements—and all the while, he'd swing steadily between the poles of feeling nauseous at the thought of one less fraction of his friend in the world, one more death of one of the lost, and wild fantasies of popping champagne upon hearing that her final instance had been destroyed. +They fell back to silence, then, Ioan and May self-consciously finishing their sandwiches while True Name simply stared into the fire. She had made herself half a sandwich, explaining that she wasn't terribly hungry, and had yet to touch it. -Part of him wondered if End Waking was going through the same. He wanted to ask, but didn't want to risk that pushing the skunk over into requesting that he leave with the tent not yet complete. +Once they had finished, the skunk sat up straighter and said, ``I think that I have had sufficient space from it, now. Can you tell me what Jonas said?'' -So, Debarre just kept working, kept fantasizing. He'd gotten the last of the canvas lashed down over the sides of the frame and was on to working on the front wall of the tent. At least there was productivity to lean on, even if he couldn't lean on his boyfriend at the moment. +Ey shrugged. ``Not a whole lot, all told, especially given how much he talked. He said that he wants to meet up with you to discuss next steps and that he wants me there as an amanuensis so that I can write another book.'' -He jumped, startled out of work and reverie by two sensorium pings in short order. The first came from End Waking, the word `company' muttered quietly, and the second was a ping of arrival from the sim itself. +She tilted her head. ``You?'' -With the new tent, End Waking had made the default entry point around a small rise from home, leaving it a short walk around—or a shorter but much steeper dash up and over—the ridge. +``Yeah. He said\ldots well, let me start from the top. He said he was waiting there for me to make sure that May and I were alright, that he was there to tidy up loose ends, and that, uh\ldots{}'' Ey hesitated, unsure of how well Jonas's next comment would go over with either of the Odists. ``And that he trusted that I'd, and I'm quoting here, `stashed my skunks away somewhere safe'.'' -Debarre opted for the up and over, nearly tumbling down the other side of the hill to where the form knelt in the clearing. End Waking was just making his way through the trees on the opposite side, so they converged on the visitor at the same time. +Both May and True Name bridled at this, likely for similar reasons. -May Then My Name was sobbing. It looked as though she had been for a bit, too, judging by the mess of tear-tracks in the fur of her cheeks. +``Sorry. I kind of blew up at him for that.'' -There wasn't much that he could think of to say, so he awkwardly shifted from a crouch to a kneeling position beside her, wrapping his arms around her shoulders and gently tugging her against him. Although he rarely had reason to comfort May Then My Name in particular, it was familiar enough from all the way back at the Crown Pub when Sasha'd come back from some break-up or another. +``\,`Blew up'?'' -``I will get water,'' End Waking murmured, leaving the physical comfort to someone better able to provide such. +``Yeah, just yelled at him for sending assassins after you two—he confirmed that Guōweī mistook you for her, May—and told him to fuck himself.'' Ey shrugged helplessly. ``I was pretty upset, I guess.'' -Her cry must have been nearing its end before she arrived, as she'd settled down to sniffles by the time her cocladist arrived with an enamel mug of water and a damp rag. +``I am surprised that you stuck around long enough to listen to him, my dear,'' May said. ``He sounds like he was in rare form.'' -``Can you drink, May Then My Name?'' he said gently. +``I mean, I don't know what he's like the rest of the time, but he was doing a really good job of being as insulting as possible. The `my skunks' part. ``I don't have the training your pretty little skunks have'', he said, and `sometimes mommies and daddies fight'. All these little things.'' -She nodded and accepted the mug with both paws to hold it steady, taking a few unsteady laps of the water before simply clutching it to her chest. ``Thank you,'' she croaked, freeing up a paw to use the damp rag to wipe her face. ``I am sorry for so dramatic an entrance.'' +True Name ground the heels of her palms against her eyes. ``I am sorry that you had to go through that, Mx. Bălan. It does indeed sound like he was in fine form. Did he explain his reasons for having you along as amanuensis at all?'' -``Hush. You are fine,'' End Waking said. ``Everything sounded quite dramatic indeed. Please take your time, and we can discuss it later.'' +``Just that he needed me to witness and write about what happens and leave the rest to the grown-ups.'' Ey thought back and shrugged. ``That was most of what he said. He wanted to talk with you, wanted me to witness, and wanted the whole stanza there.'' -She nodded, slouched a little further against Debarre, and sighed shakily. +May frowned. ``Including me?'' -He shot a quizzical look over to End Waking, who sent a brief sensorium ping in return. She must have explained a good bit more before arriving, then. +``Specifically you and End Waking, yeah.'' -They sat like that for another five minutes or so, another few bouts of tears hitting the skunk while he tried to be as steady as he could for her, petting over her ears and murmuring reassurances. She'd leaned on AwDae more often than she had on him, all those years ago, but a friend's shoulder was a friend's shoulder, and he'd always offered when he could. This was, he supposed, no different. +``Why would I trust him on that?'' -When she was finally able to pull herself together enough to walk, Debarre helped her to stand and the three of them made their way back to the tent. He sat her down on one of the two fallen tree trunks that had been set before the tent to either side of the fire pit, then took her mug to refill it while End Waking started a small fire. It wasn't that cold out, but warmth was warmth, comfort was comfort. +``I mean, I don't,'' ey said, tossing a twig at the fire. ``He said no assassins, but who knows what else he has planned. And it does sound like he has it planned, by the way, that plan A didn't pan out, so he moved on to plan B, that he had up through plan M.'' -With the cup safely back in her paws, Debarre sat beside May Then My Name once more, arm around her shoulder. ``Feel up to talking about it?'' +``And nothing else?'' True Name asked. -``Um, a little, maybe,'' the skunk said, voice raw. ``Just in general.'' +``That's about it. I swept him after that. Swept the whole place.'' -He nodded. +The skunk's ears splayed to the sides. ``A preemptive apology is likely in order.'' -``True Name has been staying with us the last few days.'' +``Yes, it probably is,'' May said, voice low and flat. ``Loss For Images?'' -``Sounds miserable. +``Yes. Her and Even While Awake.'' She bowed formally. ``I apologize, you two. It was decided prior to Launch to observe those involved with the project and not aligned with us.'' -She smiled halfheartedly. ``Ioan expanded the house out to the other side with a separate bedroom. She has been spending most of her time in there, doing whatever it is that she does. Perhaps she is still pulling strings somewhere, I do not know. I do not particularly care.'' +``Those were \emph{your} spies?'' ey asked, some part of em unwilling to believe, rebelling against the rest of em, which was thinking \emph{of course they were}. -``I'm surprised you let her move in there,'' he said sourly. +``Yes. I Am At A Loss For Images In This End Of Days and And I Still Dream Even While Awake rode shotgun in May Then My Name's fur and have been living there since, swapping out forks as needed. Again my sincerest apologies.'' -After a long pause, the skunk mumbled, ``It was my idea. I insisted, Ioan agreed.'' +``How many?'' -``Why?'' End Waking asked from where he crouched beside the fire. +``Instances?'' -``I have incomplete thoughts. In terms of logistics, it made sense to have her where Jonas could not act against her.'' +Ey nodded. -End Waking nodded. ``Yes, but why? Why did you not just let her build herself a new home? Leave her to her own devices until time, Jonas, or madness took her?'' +``Five. One in the den, one in the bedroom, one extra in the kitchen, one on the balcony, one in the yard.'' -May Then My Name averted her gaze. ``I do not want her to die. I do not want her gone.'' +``Who were the other twelve, then?'' -The other skunk went silent, staring at her for a long moment before getting back to building the fire up to a comfortable level. +She tilted her head quizzically. ``You swept seventeen? Those were likely Jonas's, I imagine, there to watch his plan unfold.'' -``I'm guessing it's the non-logistical side of things that's complicated,'' Debarre said. +May's voice was steeped in sarcasm as she spoke. ``Find out any juicy details?'' -``Yes. I seem to be cursed to think about her and after everything, I do not know why it is that I care about her.'' She sniffled and scrubbed her face with the rag as though to preemptively snap herself out of an oncoming wave of emotion. ``It has not been all that bad, really. Awkward, yes, but she spends most of her time in her room except at breakfast and dinner. Today, though, she requested to talk with me, and\ldots I cannot even begin to comprehend the specifics, but Jonas has\ldots ha-has been\ldots{}'' +Her cocladist held up her paws. ``There is no excusing my actions. I know that there is little that I can do to earn your trust, May Then My Name, and at this point, even I suspect that I do not deserve it. There were few details of note enough to report back to me. We knew of your career changes. We knew of your\ldots your feelings towards me. We\ldots well, they learned about the Artemisians early on when you got your letter from Castor, though in the last decade, the reports that I have received have decreased in number, which I attributed to a lack of interesting goings on. That they did not report on that letter is a red flag I should have paid attention to sooner.'' -Debarre rubbed at May Then My Name's back when that wave of emotion finally washed over her. +Ey shot May a questioning glance, but she shook her head. \emph{Perhaps she really doesn't know about Codrin and the Name,} ey thought. -``I am sorry, Debarre. It was a lot,'' she mumbled. ``Jonas has been playing her for centuries now. He has been structuring her life for her in such subtle ways that even she was not able to see it. She\ldots well, something happened a few years after launch. A trap of sorts. Jonas's plans hit all at once and she has been working under his thumb since then.'' +``And why did you not?'' May asked instead. -They sat in silence for a bit, Debarre racing through various questions, rejecting each as too personal, too mean, too off-topic. Finally, he asked, ``So, why are you so upset?'' +``Pay attention to the red flags?'' True Name stared at the fire for a long few seconds, then shrugged. ``I was overworked and being fed bad information.'' -``That is where the specifics I cannot mention lay. Beyond that, though, I am just\ldots torn. I am torn. I want to kick her out. I want to invite Jonas over and have him bring his pet assassin. I want her to disappear into ignominy.'' She took a deep breath, continued, ``But I also want her to get out of this mess. I may not want her around, but I want her to find something—anything—else to do with her life and to not have to deal with that living, breathing sack of shit anymore. No one should have to deal with that.'' +``You overworked yourself, you mean. 108 forks! Did you synchronize daily?'' -``E.W. said he needed to be better than her. Sort of like that?'' +``Of course. Why would I not?'' -She shrugged. ``I do not know. It does not feel accurate for me to say that, but I cannot explain why.'' +``How are you even still sane?'' Ioan asked. ``I'm surprised you aren't jumping at shadows, at this point.'' -``Well,'' he said, waving the point away. ``I'm with you on the feeling torn bit, at least. Was just thinking about that when you showed up. Like, would I celebrate if she died? Or would I feel like there was just that much less of you around?'' +``I am sure I will be now,'' True Name said. -``You think about it from the outside, my love,'' End Waking said. ``You think about who we were. You have the capacity to do so. May Then My Name and I have diverged so far from True Name that she has become a new entity, and I do not think that we can so easily see Sasha in her.'' +``She is not sane at all, my dear,'' May said at the same time. -May Then My Name nodded toward End Waking. ``And that is the source of at least some of my resentment towards her. I cannot see Sasha in her, and yet I was created from her. I see that of Sasha in myself, the caring side of her who got lost looking for lost friends, and while I can \emph{remember} those few years that I was True Name, I am not that person. I do not feel like I ever was that person. Becoming me was waking up from a dream.'' +They frowned at each other. -``A nightmare, perhaps,'' the other skunk murmured. +\emph{I'm glad End Waking gave us two tents,} Ioan thought. \emph{It's been civil so far, but\ldots{}} -``You and I have different resentments. I would say an unnerving dream that makes me all the happier to be what I am now.'' +Aloud, ey asked, ``So, what's next? We head back tomorrow and build you a room, but then what?'' -``You are a better person than I.'' +``What is next is that I try to salvage what I can from this. I imagine that my options will be severely limited if I am to continue existing as I am and still meet Jonas's demands, but that does not mean that I will set my goals aside.'' -Debarre threw a twig at his boyfriend. ``No moping. You're both good people. Jury's out on True Name, but given that you two get so fucking upset whenever she's around, I'm leaning towards not so good.'' +``\,`Continue as you are'?'' May growled. ``I cannot believe--'' -End Waking smiled. It was slight, but he was pleased to see it all the same. +There was a moment of tense silence, her jaw working as though straining to hold back some larger outburst. -``Qoheleth, poor, stupid man that he was, had much that he was correct about, but one thing that he completely failed to understand was growth,'' May Then My Name mused. ``There is plenty of growth, here. That is perhaps the one thing we have more than memory, the one thing that protects us from too much memory. All that time may still drive us mad, but at least we have the ability to grow to the point where we are no longer True Name.'' +Once she'd mastered it, she said in a tightly controlled voice, ``I am going to stretch my legs.'' -``A-fucking-men.'' +``Be safe, May,'' ey said quietly, watching the skunk stand and stomp off toward the lake. -She laughed. ``Right? Thank you two for talking, though. I know it is not really a pleasant topic, but it has helped me immensely.'' +True Name watched her estranged up-tree instance with nothing but exhaustion in her expression. -Debarre squeezed her around the shoulders. ``Of course, skunk.'' +``I'm sorry, True--'' -``You feel so much more than I do,'' End Waking said. ``So I cannot understand the ways in which you are torn. There is also much more than I think you are saying--'' +She waved a paw at em. ``Please, Ioan, this is not your fault. It is not your battle,'' she said curtly. -``There is, yes. Sorry.'' +They sat in silence then, each of them looking into the fire, neither making eye contact with the other. For eir part, ey spent the time doing eir best not to kick emself for jumping right in to fix things. Ey knew perfectly well not to apologize for May, and yet there ey'd gone and done it. -``--and so I cannot offer much in the way of advice, but I can welcome you to my forest and offer you company and a meal. Will you be staying for dinner?'' +Ey couldn't guess what the skunk was thinking. -``I would like to, yes.'' She hesitated, then added, ``True Name has joined us for dinner these last few days, and I would like a break.'' +Eventually, she stood from her log and bowed to em. ``I am sorry, my dear. I did not mean to get short with you. It has been a terrible day.'' -``Are you opposed to an early dinner, Debarre?'' +``Oh, uh,'' ey stammered, flicking eir gaze her way. ``It's alright. I think we're all pretty messed up right now.'' -``\,'Course not. If you cook, May Then My Name and I can get the cot in the tent. +``Well put,'' she said. ``I am going to try and sleep. Which one is mine?'' -They broke from there. May Then My Name forked several times over to help him in repopulating the inside of the tent with the necessities while End Waking made venison cutlets and savory corn griddle cakes. - -``There's still a lot we need to do in here, so we can't drag everything in yet,'' the weasel explained as they returned to where End Waking's goods were stored under a canvas tarp. ``But getting a few essentials in here will help in the meantime. Hopefully just a few more days and we'll be all set again. I think E.W. may kick me out at that point.'' - -``So soon?'' - -``He called me back in the middle of a solitary spell, remember?'' - -She nodded. ``Well, yes, but I had hoped that\ldots well, I am sorry, Debarre. I imagine it must be difficult.'' - -``A little. I miss him when I'm gone, but I usually merge back down and get to focusing on whatever \#Tracker is up to, then re-fork when he's up to having me around again.'' - -``We are different in that respect, I guess. If Ioan requested six months of time away from me I think I would have a pretty rough time of it.'' - -He laughed and ruffled a paw over her ears. ``I think you'd fucking explode. Thankfully, ey doesn't seem like the type.'' - -She nodded gratefully. ``Ey does not, no. I am just sorry that I was too heated to stick around and talk with em about this. Thank you again, Debarre. I needed to talk about it, just with someone who has an appropriate distance from the topic. I cannot overstate how terrifying what she said was.'' - -``Uh, of course, May Then My Name. Can you tell me any more about it?'' - -``Perhaps over dinner, my dear. I need food, and I need to talk to your boyfriend.'' - -Dinner, it turned out, was not long in coming. Well-seasoned deer and griddle cakes cooked in the grease. ``I have made them with too much salt just for you, May Then My Name,'' he said with a polite bow. - -She stuck her tongue out at him. ``Much appreciated. It tastes almost like normal food.'' - -He made a rude gesture at her, but grinned all the same. - -``So,'' Debarre said between bites. ``Anything else you can tell us about what True Name said?'' - -The other skunk stacked a bite of griddle cake on top of a bite of venison and chewed thoughtfully. At last, she sighed,\linebreak\ saying, ``I do not want to talk about too much of it, not aloud. It is too close to the surface as yet and I will turn into a sobbing\pagebreak\ mess. Again, I mean.'' - -``Of course, no rush.'' - -``Right. Well, Jonas got her involved with something in the late 2130s. It was sort of a side\ldots thing, very hush-hush but it still has taken up at least a small part of her attention ever since. It was all very low-level stuff—low enough that it flew beneath even her radar—and I guess after Launch, he dropped it all on her in a meeting similar to what he had promised for Secession day. All that time had turned into a lever to use against her, and I think that, whether she realizes it or not, relatively little has been done of her own accord since then here on Lagrange.'' - -Debarre nodded, waiting for her to say more, to which she eventually shook her head. ``I am sorry. I need at least a few days to be able to process it. I cannot even think about it without wanting to\ldots I do not know. I want to quit and force a merge on her. I want \emph{you} to force a merge on her,'' she said, nodding to End Waking. ``I want her to know something other than herself.'' - -The skunk sat up straighter. ``So you have hinted, yes. Why, though? Why would you want her to feel that resentment? Why do you think she would be able to internalize my penance? Why the fuck do you--'' - -``E.W.,'' Debarre murmured. ``Cool it.'' - -He tugged his hood down lower over his head and stayed silent for several seconds. ``I am sorry, May Then My Name. I did not mean to yell. It is just that I worked hard at getting where I am now, and if she is to feel any—\emph{any}—remorse about what she has done with her life, I would like for her to come by it honestly, and if she does not, then I would like her to face the consequences of her actions.'' - -``I do at least understand that,'' May Then My Name said cautiously. She had shied away from her cocladist at the force of his words, but the apology and explanation drew her back. ``You do not need to answer now, or ever for that matter, but is it something you would at least consider?'' - -``Perhaps. I do not feel the need to engage with her as you seem to, but there is little enough engagement in merging down. If I had not made my rejection of what she is a part of my identity, if I could let that go, then I would rescind my membership from the clade just to sever what ties of association remain.'' - -``Would you just be End Waking of no clade, then?'' - -``Perhaps I would just call myself E.W., my love.'' - -Debarre grinned. ``Excellent.'' - -``You two are disgusting,'' May Then My Name said. ``Please keep up the good work.'' - -``You're one to talk, smartass. You and Ioan could make my teeth rot.'' - -``I have em well trained, do I not? Perhaps I will make em an honorary member of the clade in your stead.'' - -End Waking smirked. ``Would ey take my name, then?'' - -``No, we would have to give em a similarly Odist name. Some silly line of poetry, a few nonsense words smashed together. Gentle Confusion or something.'' - -They laughed. - -``Where I Am Overcome By Gentle Confusion of the Ode-Bălan clade,'' Debarre said. ``And I'd be something like Even Real Shitheads Know Their Dreams.'' - -May Then My Name flicked a crumb of griddle cake at him. ``Good job on the first name, not so much on the second. I do not think it fits the tone very well, even if you are a bit of a shithead.'' - -``Confirmation at last,'' End Waking said dreamily. +Ey pointed her toward the tent with one cot in it and watched her slip inside, then sat and waited for May to come back, staring at the fire and trying not to feel bad enough for the three of them. diff --git a/mitzvot/content/015.tex b/mitzvot/content/015.tex index 97826a0..30bdf8f 100644 --- a/mitzvot/content/015.tex +++ b/mitzvot/content/015.tex @@ -1,111 +1,111 @@ -\vspace{-0.2cm} \begin{center}\rule{0.5\linewidth}{0.5pt}\end{center} -\vspace{-0.2cm} -Having sent May Then My Name home with a few extra griddle cakes and then run out of daylight, Debarre and End Waking gave up on any additional work for the day. The tent was livable, if incomplete, and a bit of a break felt nice, anyway. They sat beside each other before the fire and watched the flames, not speaking, simply enjoying the warmth and each other's company. +Everyone was off in the morning. Tired, grumpy, sore. -At least, Debarre enjoyed the warmth and the feeling of his boyfriend beside him. He couldn't tell what End Waking was thinking or feeling. He'd not said a word since wishing his cocladist goodbye and good luck. +The narrowness of the cots had frustrated Ioan and May throughout the night. They \emph{could} both fit on one, but only if they straightened out rather than their usual tight curl. At one point, they tried dragging the cots to be side by side, but the frames against each other made a hard ridge that was impossible to rest on comfortably. In the end, they'd fallen asleep, each on their own cot, facing each other with arms tangled enough to get at least some contact through the night. -``Thanks for letting me stay, E.W.'' +Whether or not True Name had actually slept seemed up in the air. She had shrugged noncommittally when asked, but it certainly didn't look like she had. -``Mm? Of course, my love. I am glad for your help and your company.'' +Conversation was equally awkward. May apologized stiffly to her down-tree instance over breakfast of further sandwiches and True Name accepted graciously enough, but then they fell back into silence. -He nodded. Silence fell again. End Waking put another log on the fire. +After breakfast, there was little else to do but head back home. They left the camp set up. Ioan couldn't begin to guess how to take down the tents, given how distracted ey'd been while End Waking had been setting them up. \emph{Besides,} ey reasoned. \emph{Best to keep them around just in case things go sideways.} -``I know that I am a less-than-ideal partner, Debarre. I \emph{do} love you, I promise.'' +They decided to leave forks behind in case anything went wrong, then Ioan took each of the skunks' paws and stepped back home. -\emph{Here it comes.} ``Love you too, E.W. Want some space after we're done with the camp?'' +True Name immediately wrinkled her nose at the sight out the picture windows into the back yard. ``Snow?'' -``Please,'' the skunk said after a long pause. ``I do not like sending you away, but so much has happened this last week, these last few months\ldots{}'' +``Ey is some sort of masochist,'' May said, \emph{sotto voce}. ``You will have to forgive em. Ey is working on it with Sarah.'' -He scooted closer to End Waking and slipped an arm around his waist. It was probably more affection than the skunk would have preferred at the moment, but he needed at least something to go with that statement. End Waking seemed to realize this, as well, and although he didn't reciprocate the affection, he did at least relax against Debarre's side. +So out of place was the humor that it took em a moment to catch up. Ey laughed tiredly and shook eir head. ``For theatre nerds, you guys have no imagination. Coffee?'' -``What do you suppose they are doing on Artemis?'' End Waking asked, staring at the fire rather than up to the stars. +May leaned up and dotted her nose against eir cheek. ``You, my dear, are an utter delight.'' -``Hmm? My guess is that everyone's getting settled in by now. All those who went along with have probably dug homes or whatever they call it in the fifthrace area, and some are probably getting pretty good at\ldots uh, \emph{Nanon}, was it?'' +True Name followed them into the den. ``Please. I am going to fall over if I do not have something.'' -``Did Debarre\#Castor go with?'' +May flopped down onto her usual beanbag and rubbed her paws over her face while True Name sat quietly at the dining table and Ioan made coffee. ``If it is alright by you two, I am going to take a shower after coffee, as hot as I can stand,'' May said. ``And then we can work on the addition.'' -``No, actually. He still hasn't told me why, either. He's at least spent quite a bit of time in Convergence. Lots of visiting with Codrin and Dear. Have you heard from them? They've quite a name for themselves there, apparently.'' +``Sure. I can start by mirroring our room and then stripping personal items while you're getting cleaned up.'' -``Only when Dear writes clade-wide. It and I were never as close as we could have been. It sounds happy, at least, and passes on good stories.'' +``Thank you both,'' True Name said, tracing a claw along the wood grain on the table, an incredibly familiar gesture from years of living with May. ``Again, I mean. I really do appreciate all that you are doing. Perhaps we can discuss boundaries and expectations later, but I am also looking forward to a shower.'' -He laughed. ``I can't imagine anything but, honestly. Any news of the others?'' +Ioan nodded, finishing up the coffee prep—eirs black and both of the skunks' sweet and creamy—and carrying the mugs to each of them. ``I guessed,'' ey said, setting one down in front of True Name. ``Let me know if you need anything different.'' -``Codrin sounds unhappy, and I cannot quite piece together why.'' +Ey sat down carefully by May and held both of their coffees while the skunk scooted in close against em as usual before handing hers over. It felt good to be back in a more comfortable setting, back where ey and May could could at least get close, even if everything still felt nerve-wracking. -``Really? Like, with eir new job?'' +They drank in silence for a while, minus a thank you from each of the skunks, the three of them doing their best to un-cringe from last day's worth of anxiety. -``Oh, no, ey still seems quite pleased with that from the text, but the subtext is that ey is displeased in some other, more fundamental way. I always get that sense when news includes the topic of Artemis.'' +It worked a little too well, perhaps, as ey had to nudge May awake to finish her coffee and shower, and the prospect of levering emself out of the beanbag felt out of reach. All the same, ey needed to at least get the other room created, then perhaps the three of them could nap. -``What about Sorina, though? Doesn't ey have connections through her?'' +Once May was on her way to the shower, ey stood, finished eir coffee, and began to work. Ey dumped a series of intents into the sim. A doorway cut itself out of the wall opposite the one to eir own bedroom. A room extruded itself beyond the doorway, filling itself with all of the very same stuff that eirs and May's contained. The sim's boundaries whined in protest at not having enough for the windows to look out on and, too tired to think of any other options, ey mirrored the view of the yard as well so that True Name's room looked out over yet more grass and dandelions. -The skunk shrugged. ``I do not know. These communications are simple family letters or those little quippy snippets that Dear is so fond of. Nothing in depth.'' +\emph{If she stays for any real length of time, maybe I can just mirror the rest of the house and she can have a full setup.} -Debarre hesitated, unsure of how to broach the question. \emph{No way out but through,} ey thought, saying, ``What about True Name\#Castor? Anything from her?'' +That was enough for now, though. Ey got started going through the room from top to bottom, wiping it of eirs and May's presence. Anything that wasn't the bed, the nightstands, and any other furniture was evaluated and either left for its decorative value or swiped away to nothingness. A damp May joined em partway through the exercise, and by the time they were done, the room was left clean and neat, sparsely decorated without being oppressively empty. -``Not you, too,'' he said with a groan. ``I cannot seem to escape her today, can I?'' +``Hopefully it's not too bleak,'' ey said once May had fetched True Name. ``I gave you some ACLs over the space if you need to make or recycle anything. Just let me know if the room itself needs changing.'' -``Sorry, E.W.'' +She stood silent and still for nearly a minute, leaving em to fidget while May looked on, frowning. -He sighed. ``No, it is okay. If that is what is happening, then that is what is happening, and we are bound to talk about it. One moment, then.'' +Finally, she cleared her throat and said hoarsely. ``This is more than enough, my dear. I do not know why you two\ldots but, well, I should get cleaned up and then we can talk proper. I am perhaps a little too emotional for that at the moment.'' -There was a long silence from End Waking. Debarre imagined him trudging through exos, reading back through clade communiqués that his down-tree instance over on the LV had sent back. +May sighed, nodded. ``At your own pace.'' -``She remains herself,'' he said at last. ``I mean truly herself, not the bent and twisted True Name of Lagrange. Competent, confident, in complete control. She strives behind the scenes in both Convergence and the rest of Castor as she always has.'' +They both bowed and backed out of the room to let True Name shut the door behind her so that she could shower. May took eir hand in her paw and led em over to the bean bag to get comfortable once again. -``\,`Bent and twisted'? I mean, she sounds like she's having a rough time of late, but that bad?'' +``You okay?'' ey murmured, once she was properly nestled against em, head tucked up under eir chin. -``This is also subtext, my dear. The True Name of Lagrange no longer writes the same way as the True Name of the LVs. True Name\#Castor is as True Name was back before Launch, and True Name\#Pollux has settled down with Zacharias and sits on the Guiding Council, whatever that is. The one here is\ldots{}'' He frowned, visibly hunting for words. ``She is no longer what she was. She is middle-management. She is overworked and underappreciated. She continues on with her plans, to which I assume she still clings tight, but that comes with a sense of desperation that I cannot otherwise place. She is bent and twisted nearly to the point of fatigue, as when one bends a paperclip until it snaps.'' +``I am tired, Ioan. I am tired and I am stressed and I am\ldots I do not know. Conflicted, perhaps.'' -``Is that why you think May Then My Name wants you to merge down?'' +``How do you mean?'' -``To break her, you mean?'' +She shrugged. ``It is much easier to hate from a distance, especially when one is built as I am.'' -Debarre nodded. +``To love?'' -``Perhaps, yes. She shared more with me before she arrived and I do\ldots I do see the reasoning behind her request. What that actually means to her, however, I am not sure. Does she want to shock True Name into becoming whatever she considers a real person? Does she want to break her out of rigidity and make her more complete? Does she want her to move beyond whatever this unspeakable atrocity is through force alone? I do not know.'' +She pressed her face against eir chest, sighed. -``Maybe just hurt her without killing her,'' he added. +Ey wanted to ask her how well that fit her monologue, that idea that to be built to love is to be built to hate yourself. Ey wanted to go back sixteen hours or however long it had been and kick Jonas's ass. Ey wanted to go back twenty-four hours and warn True Name, to go back three and a half years and warn the True Name ey'd first gotten coffee with. -End Waking looked at him sharply, then subsided. ``Also a possibility. Had you suggested that a decade ago, I would have been quite upset, because I do not think that who May Then My Name used to be could possibly have been so vengeful, but I am not sure that that is the case anymore.'' +Instead, ey said, ``You're a good person, May.'' -``Is that such a bad thing, though?'' Debarre frowned, hunting for words. ``I mean, I love her, I think she's one of the best people I've ever met, but she was almost a caricature with how sweet she was. If she can be anything other than head-over-heels in love with everyone she meets, wouldn't that mean that she's a more complete person, too?'' +She tightened her grip around em. ``Thank you, my dear.'' -The skunk tensed and carefully scooted an inch or two away from Debarre, gently nudging the weasel's arm from around his waist. +When True Name finished her shower and grooming, looking far more herself than she had since the month before, they sat around the dining table to hash out boundaries. -``Shit, I'm sorry, E.W. I didn't mean to offend.'' +``I do not want to impose on you more than I already have,'' she began. ``I will certainly stay out of your private space, and I figure a closed door is a plain enough signal to be left alone. Should I stick to my room for the most part?'' -He laughed. A short, sharp bark of a laugh that was more bitter than amused. ``Fuck you, Debarre. Fuck you and how right you are.'' +May let out a snort of laughter. ``I am sorry, True Name. I do not mean to laugh, but I have never heard you so deferential in my life.'' -Debarre blinked, nonplussed. +The skunk canted her ears back. ``I am in shock, May Then My Name. My coworker of two centuries just tried to kill me. My life's work has been cut off from me. I have been invited to stay with one of the two up-tree instances of mine who dislike me the most, and I have never had to live with anyone before, not since before we uploaded. The offer remains for me to dig my own sim.'' -``You are right. It is terrible that she has to hate someone to be more complete, but you are right. However, my love,'' End Waking said, grinning humorlessly. ``That means—that \emph{must} mean—that the same holds true for me, caricature of penance that I am.'' +May bowed her head apologetically. -He laid his ears flat, nodding. ``Sorry, E.W.'' +``I'd feel better if you stayed,'' Ioan admitted. ``It'd be too easy for you to either disappear into your new sim forever or wind up with another attempt on your life whenever you left.'' -``I do not know what a more complete version of myself looks like. I do not know how to attain that. I have no up-tree instances who have led earnestly happy lives to merge down and complement my fundamentally unhappy one. Perhaps that is why May Then My Name's idea rankles. Should I merge down and True Name learn to repent, learn to become more whole, then she will have done so without the work of actually having done so. Should I become happier, then I must work further years.'' +May nodded readily. ``You are safer here where no one can act openly against you. It may not be the most comfortable of situations, but I would also prefer that you not die.'' -``I dunno, is that true? I mean, yeah, she in her current form won't have done the work of repenting. Her body won't have been the one living out here in the middle of nowhere, but she'll have\ldots when did you last merge down?'' +``Good points. Both of you. I would prefer not to die as well.'' She straightened up in her chair and smiled, a hint of that confidence showing through. ``So, to my question. Do you have any thoughts?'' -``I do not remember.'' +``Closed doors means don't bother, stay out of each others rooms. Cones of silence and secure visual ACLs to be respected,'' ey said, then shrugged. ``But I think that's all obvious stuff. I don't see any reason for you to stay out of common areas, I guess, and I'm fine with you eating with us, too, but I also freely acknowledge that that's me speaking. I don't want you two, uh\ldots{}'' -Debarre squinted. ``I don't think it works that way.'' +``Fighting and arguing should be avoided, yes,'' True Name said with a slight bow of acknowledgement. ``It is your house, though, and I know that our relationship is fraught. I will defer to May Then My Name, given the power dynamic and social restrict--'' -``I do not remember, Debarre,'' End Waking said tiredly. ``Sometime before the first centennial.'' +``I promise that I will not try to pull out all of your fur or bounce you so long as you give us space when either of us ask, okay?'' -He held up his paws, surrendering the point. ``Then she'll have more than a century's worth of work dumped on her, and she'll be the one who has to process that and try to integrate it. Can you imagine how fucked that'd feel? Can you imagine what she'd become?'' +The skunk blinked a few times, then smiled cautiously. ``Understood.'' -``Do \emph{you} think I should merge down?'' End Waking growled. +``Wait, that easy?'' Ioan said. -``I don't know, E.W. I really don't. Let's drop it, though, okay? I'm just gonna keep on hurting you if we keep this up, and I \emph{really} don't want that.'' +``Not everything need be complicated, my dear. Boundaries are most often found by crossing them. We will have negotiation ahead of us as well, I am sure.'' May shrugged, adding, ``This does not make our relationship any less complicated, but endlessly refining rules ahead of time will only stress all of us out.'' -The skunk sighed, nodded, and, after a moment, reached out and took Debarre's paw in his own. ``I am sorry I got so worked up. I do need a break from the topic, though. Thank you, my love.'' +``I guess,'' ey mumbled. ``I just don't want you at each other's throats.'' -He smiled cautiously and gave that paw a little squeeze. +``If we fight, we fight,'' she said. ``But if we are to be stuck together, then we will fucking get over it and have a civil house, at the very least. I will do all of the exercises Sarah has given me at once if that is what is needed to keep home from becoming unbearable.'' -They sat in silence for the rest of the night, then, watching the fire burn low until the skunk put it out. They stripped down for bed and, for the first time in months, climbed into their cot within their tent—theirs at least until the need for solitude struck full force again. They shared their wordless intimacies and then curled together for sleep. +True Name nodded in agreement. ``I will do what I can to keep things comfortable and be out of your hair as soon as this is resolved. We will work it out if one of us gets upset. That includes you, Mx. Bălan. Please voice your concerns when they arise.'' -``You know that she will have memories of this, too, my love,'' End Waking murmured. +Ey shook eir head. ``Alright, alright. Only concerns I have right now are taking a shower and a nap, then. I'll trust you two to make things work and will try not to mediate every single little disagreement.'' -``Let her,'' he said, yawning. ``You're more complete than you give yourself credit for. If the goal is for her to have some semblance of that, let her.'' +``Excellent. About fucking time,'' May said, patting eir hand. ``I will join you for the nap and try to be up for lunch.'' + +``Naps all around,'' True Name agreed. ``Again, thank you two.'' diff --git a/mitzvot/content/016.tex b/mitzvot/content/016.tex index f3f45f8..f10c07e 100644 --- a/mitzvot/content/016.tex +++ b/mitzvot/content/016.tex @@ -1,155 +1,86 @@ -\hypertarget{ioan-bux103lan-2350}{% -\chapter{Ioan Bălan — 2350}\label{ioan-bux103lan-2350}} -\markboth{Ioan Bălan — 2350}{} +\vspace{-0.4cm} +\begin{center}\rule{0.5\linewidth}{0.5pt}\end{center} -With May out of the house and True Name doing\ldots well, whatever it was that she did in her room by herself, Ioan was left emotionally and intellectually stalled out, stuck by emself in an empty den. Ey sat for a while on the couch, staring out into the slowly melting snow on the deck and ruminating. Then, giving in to the urge to pace, ey slipped on the boots ey kept for just such occasions and slowly tramped a ring around the outer edge of the yard, first reveling in the crunch of the icy top layer of the snow, then the sweat ey worked up when, on the third lap, the snow began to drag at eir feet, and then finally the solidity of the uneven path ey'd worn down into the snow, a marker of energy spent. +The next few days felt careful. They weren't walking on eggshells around each other, it was not a worry of offending, but they all seemed to be hyper-aware of each other's presence in the house. -The pacing gave em time and space. It let eir emotions spool out into nothingness while eir thoughts were left crunched beneath the treads of eir boots. Ey didn't know what ey thought about. Ey didn't know what ey felt. Ey just walked. +Ioan and May called out from their performances and when A Finger Pointing asked why, May spent half an hour locked in the bedroom on a silenced sensorium conversation. Ioan received a very sincere note soon after wishing all three of them well. While she'd never spent much time worrying about the things True Name did, A Finger Pointing's tireless desire to be friends with everyone did not exclude her cross-tree instance. -Ey knew that, at one point, ey wondered if eir command to mirror the back yard for True Name's room meant that it made a new back yard or whether it just mirrored the view out the window. If it were the latter, would she be watching em? Would she be wondering why ey walked? Would she scoff? Would she wish for a way to crush her own worries down into the ice? +For her part, True Name spent much of the first day silent in her room, though whether that was to sleep or to salvage the situation, ey couldn't tell. She poked her head out around dinner and said that she was too tired to join and that she would see them in the morning. -And then the train of thought was gone, lost amid some whorl in the steam of eir breath. +Ey couldn't blame her. Even with the two hour nap before lunch, Ioan felt groggy and disoriented for the remainder of the day. \emph{I'm becoming like May,} ey thought. \emph{I don't sleep well alone, or even separated by camp bed frames.} -An hour's walking gained em sore hips, a sweat-soaked shirt, and a well-trod trail around the outside of the yard. +All three of them slept in late the next morning, Ioan only rising at nine when ey received the gentlest possible sensorium ping from True Name. -``Fucking cold,'' ey grumbled, stomping the lingering snow off eir boots and the hems of eir slacks on the way up the stairs to the balcony. Ey kicked the boots off outside the door and shuffled inside. Ey could fork emself warm and dry, sure, but why do that when there was a perfectly good shower right there? +Ey found her in the kitchen, standing in front of the coffee machine, looking baffled. -So, ey lingered under the hot water for fifteen minutes, and instead of whorls of breath, the crunch of ice, the nothingness of slate-gray skies, eir thoughts and emotions dribbled down eir face in rivulets of water, swirled once, twice, disappeared down the drain. +``I am sorry if I woke you, my dear. There are more buttons on this than I know what to do with.'' -\emph{Dissociating,} ey thought, laughed to no one. +``It's alright. I went through a coffee phase years ago and wound up with this. I usually just tap here\ldots then here\ldots and then this last one for three cups.'' -Brushed eir hair. Stared, unseeing, at emself in the mirror. Dressed in clean clothes—sweater vest? Sweater vest—and wound up sitting on the couch once more. +She bowed. ``Thank you. I would complain, but it does make good coffee.'' -True Name peeked out of her room and bowed to em from just outside her door. The sound of the door and the movement out of the corner of eir eye startled em back to reality. ``Sorry, True Name. Everything okay?'' +The skunk looked so much like eir partner that ey had to stop emself from reaching out to ruffle her ears. Ey disguised the motion as leaning back against the counter and rubbing the sleep from eir eyes. ``Good coffee's a necessity. Sleep alright?'' -``Yes, thank you, Mx. Bălan.'' She smiled apologetically—such a strange look on her. ``I am not the greatest of cooks, but would you like me to make dinner tonight? I do not believe May Then My Name will be joining us, and it is getting dark.'' +``Well enough, yes. It has been a few days since this instance has had the chance, so it was starting to build up.'' -``Huh?'' Ey whirled back around toward the picture windows and frowned. Sure enough, it was dimming into evening already. ``Oh, well, sure, I guess. I'm sure whatever you make will be fine. Sorry I'm so spacey.'' +``Days? Good Lord. I don't know how you can do that.'' -The skunk padded into the kitchen and waved the apology away with a paw. ``You are fine, my dear. You are allowed to space out. It has been a dramatic few days, so I do not blame you. Can you please grant me ACLs enough to create ingredients?'' +``Anxiety, caffeine, and 263 years of practice.'' -After a pause to will it so, ey nodded. ``Sure, should be good now.'' +Ey laughed. ``I don't know, I think it might be a you thing. May seems pretty fond of it.'' -``Thank you.'' +``An improvement, then,'' she said, grinning. ``Mugs?'' -Ey felt strange staring out into the yard—the opposite direction of the kitchen—while True Name cooked, so ey grabbed a notebook and moved to the dining table where, should ey be able to pull eir thoughts together, ey could write, and if ey couldn't, ey could at least talk with the skunk without twisting around in eir seat. +Ey showed her where they kept the mugs, then the cream and sugar for doctoring coffee and spoons for stirring. Once the pot finished brewing and all three cups had been poured, ey excused emself back to the bedroom with eirs and May's coffee to finish waking up with eir partner. -Ey could not, it turned out. Ey flopped the notebook shut again and leaned back in eir chair. ``What're you cooking?'' +And so it continued. They would speak in the morning and over dinner, perhaps a few times throughout the day, but otherwise, they worked on their own projects. They'd say good morning to each other, say good night to each other, say polite things in passing. Little of it felt like it was done out of kindness, but rather out of a need to remain cognizant of each other's presence, to keep a semblance of peace through performative normalcy. -``Chicken\ldots rice\ldots stuff. It is college food.'' +Even the weather felt careful. The snow first melted and then was replaced when a new storm lay down a delicate few inches. -Ey laughed. ``Right, I'm familiar. Sounds good. Certainly cold enough out there.'' +It was the third full day since their return when the spell was broken. Shortly after lunch, True Name stepped into May's field of view, bowed, and politely requested a conversation with her. -``Of course, yes. May Then My Name would have the same recipe, would she not?'' The skunk clattered about for a few more minutes, and then, apparently satisfied, leaned back on the counter behind the stove. ``I do not understand your affection for the weather, but I am happy to make warm things while it is about.'' +The skunk frowned and beckoned her over to the couch. -``Hopeless romanticism, I guess,'' ey said. ``But whatever. Are you feeling better?'' +True Name apologized to Ioan, then set up a cone of silence with secure visual ACLs. -True Name shrugged, eyes locked in a glassy stare out the windows. ``I do not know if better is the correct word. I feel lighter, perhaps, having said what I did to May Then My Name. Conflicted, as well, that I feel lighter and yet she feel the burden of knowledge heavy enough to need to step away. For that, I apologize.'' +Three days was just long enough to start building up the scaffolding of habits, such that Ioan was left anxious and jittery when they were jostled. Seeing it from the outside for the first time, ey was left with a slight sense of disorientation from the way the cone blurred both the occupants and the background, the edges of its boundaries unnervingly sharp. -Ey nodded. ``She sent me a few brief pings. She's with End Waking and Debarre at the moment. No clue when she'll be back.'' +There was nothing to be gained from watching the indistinct shapes within. A quiet conversation had them simply looking like two black forms against the relative brightness of the balcony. Ey couldn't see expressions, couldn't see but the most grandiose of body language. -``I am pleased to hear that she is safe.'' +And yet ey watched, slipping over to the kitchen to clean, or at least dream up some chore that needed doing there, just so that ey could keep an eye on the cone. -``Now that you've had some space from it, can you tell me any more about what you told her that set her off?'' +It was boring, and that it was boring only drove eir anxiety higher. -``I am not ready to get deep into it, Ioan, I hope you understand.'' +The conversation lasted nearly an hour, and when the cone dropped, ey was greeted once again by the sight of the two skunks. To say that neither looked happy missed the mark: True Name had a dullness to her expression, something between hopelessness and resignation, while May looked apoplectic. She'd clearly been crying quite hard at one point. -``Of course. I'm just worried. I guess. Did it have to do with her specifically?'' +Ey ducked around the kitchen counter as quickly as ey could. ``May? True Name? Are you--'' -She didn't respond. The skunk's gaze never wavered. Her posture remained relaxed and comfortable, and for that, ey felt all the more anxious. +May waved a paw dismissively and blipped out of the sim. There was a sensorium ping a moment later, a view of Arrowhead Lake. -``Well, maybe you can tell me what spurred the conversation?'' +``What just happened?'' -``Right, yes,'' she said, deflating somewhat with a sigh. ``What do you believe, Ioan?'' +True Name shrugged, the movement looking as though she was struggling against dozens of gravities rather than just one. ``I explained what has been happening.'' -``Excuse me?'' +Ey frowned, feeling eir own anger rise out of anxiety. ``Well? What's been happening? I don't exactly like seeing her that upset.'' -``What do you believe? You do not strike me as religious, but surely you believe in something. The sanctity of life? Love? Art?'' +``No, I imagine not.'' She sighed and slouched against the back of the couch, rubbing at her forehead. ``I explained the shift between Jonas and I over the last twenty-five years. I explained the last few weeks.'' -Ey sat up straighter, frowning at her. ``That's a surprisingly difficult question to answer.'' +``And pissed her off.'' -``It is not at all surprising. It is easy to provide a noun and say that one believes in that. The irreversibility of time, perhaps? Your cocladist and Dear spoke to that in the \emph{History}.'' +She rolled her head to the side, enough to get a sidelong glance at em. ``I am sorry, Ioan. I cannot be the only one to know these things. I have had all of my existing support removed. All of my forks, all of my cocladists, most of my friends. I have had to cancel all of my appointments with Sarah. It is small consolation, I am sure, but I have left May Then My Name angrier at Jonas than I think she ever was at me.'' -The conversation was taking a decidedly Odist turn. Coming at the topic sideways, grand statements that came tinged with a sense of awe. They all seemed prone to falling into the style of speaking and ey fell for it every time. ``Mmhm. Several times.'' +Ey blinked and straightened up. ``At Jonas?'' -``But what does it mean to believe in something like that? Or the sanctity of life or love or art? Or God, for that matter? `Belief' as a word is a stand-in for a concept so broad as to be intimidating or impossible. One may say as Blake did, `For everything that lives is holy', but encompassing that within one's mind is truly terrifying.'' She finally broke her thousand-yard stare out the window and smiled faintly to em. ``Still, I believe in what I do, Ioan. Really, \emph{truly} believe. I feel called. I feel led. I am good at it. I wake up thinking about it, spend my day working with it, and fall asleep thinking yet more about it. We have an existence which is fundamentally different from that of phys-side, and I cannot put into words how much I love that. It is more than a want, I have a need so integral to my being for it to continue that I would not be True Name without it, and I love being True Name.'' +She let her head slip back down off the back of the couch, looking down at her paws. ``I cannot tell you, Ioan. Not yet.'' -``But now\ldots{}'' +``Nothing?'' Ey shook eir head. ``Sorry, True Name, I'm not asking you to betray a secret or anything. I'm just worried.'' -``Yes, `but now'. But now I am stuck in an impossible limbo built by Jonas. My entire existence these last two hundred years has been defined by a belief that I thought Jonas and I shared, and in a few minutes, he tore it to the ground, burnt the pieces to ash, and then ground the ash beneath his heel.'' She laughed and shook her head. ``So melodramatic, is it not? But that is how it feels to have one's belief turned hollow and stale.'' +``I understand, my dear.'' There seemed to be more coming, but she sat for another minute or so, just staring down at her paws on her lap. -``Do you overflow?'' +``I'm sorry, True N--'' -The skunk had lifted the lid of the pot of rice to stir. If it was anything at all how May cooked it, it was a stiff rice porridge made with chicken stock, cheese stirred in at the last minute—`poor skunk's risotto', she called it. She seemed keen to use her time cooking to think, so ey waited in silence. +``What was it that he said to you? `Sometimes mommies and daddies fight'?'' -``I do. More frequently and in much shorter bursts,'' she said, finally. ``Every few days, I will walk sims and I will get lost. Well and truly lost. Dear loses control of its tightly directed energy, May Then My Name loses control of that wellspring of love within her, and I lose control of my sense of control.'' +``Wait, but\ldots what?'' -``Really? Every few days? Is that because you're stretched so thin with all your forks?'' - -She shook her head and, deeming the rice to be done, slid it off the heat. ``I started walking in 2124, my dear. A few years before May Then My Name was forked, back when it cost too much to be so cavalier with forking. It is not so dramatic as your partner's.'' - -Ey nodded. ``Were you overflowing earlier today?'' - -She chopped the chicken breasts she'd sauteed into strips, focusing on the task, then on plating up the food, before responding. ``Perhaps, Ioan. Perhaps.'' - -They ate in silence, then. It was interesting picking apart the way the two skunks' recipes had diverged over the years. True Name's was spicier, May's more savory and with more vegetables. - -They made it most of the way through the meal before they were alerted to May's arrival by the sim's sensorium ping. - -Ioan set down eir fork and slid out of eir chair to greet her as she stepped out of the entryway. Ey was pleased to see her face washed of tears and expression washed of distress. She looked tired, to be sure, but no longer ready to murder someone. - -``I brought gifts, my dear. I do not know if--'' She paused as she caught sight of True Name. - -The other skunk had also stood and was bowing deeply to her up-tree instance. ``May Then My Name, I apolog--\emph{hrk!}'' - -May pressed the waxed cotton-wrapped parcel into Ioan's hands and bounded over to True Name, shoving her out of her bow in order to get her arms around her for an awkward hug. ``That is for what happened,'' she said, then socked her solidly on the shoulder. ``And that is for how you told me.'' - -True Name stumbled back from the greeting, blinking rapidly and rubbing at her arm. She looked as baffled as ey felt. Watching May interact with True Name these last few days had been something of a roller coaster, whether it was the abject fury ey saw within her whenever the topic of her cocladist's goals—or perhaps calling—came up or the strange protectiveness that had led her to offer their home to her. Those were stressful enough; this was overwhelming. - -Ey shuffled back to the table, slid the packet onto it, and fell heavily into eir chair. ``What just happened?'' - -May laughed and dotted her nose against eir cheek before settling down into her usual seat. ``I am sorry that that was weird, and I am sorry that I ran away earlier. I was able to get a lot off my chest, and I feel much better for it. Oh, you did eat! That is okay, I did too, but I think these may make good dessert.'' - -May's nearly manic tone and the tension in her cheeks showed something deeper going on beneath the surface, but given her chatter and the still-shocked look on True Name's face, this didn't seem to be the time to ask. - -``May Then My Name, I know that I--'' - -``If you talk about earlier, I will hire Guōweī myself,'' May interrupted sweetly. ``I promise that there will be time to talk about it soon, but for now, I need something else, alright?'' - -``Of course,'' True Name said, frowning. ``In that case, what is in the package?'' - -``End Waking made these corn\ldots pancake\ldots things. Fritter cakes? Something like that. They were savory, but they might go well with honey as a sort of dessert. There are only two, but we can split them.'' - -Ioan and True Name exchanged a glance, then watched as May unwrapped the griddle cakes and swiped a pot of honey into being beside them. She broke off a piece, drizzled honey on it, and ate it. - -``Well?'' ey asked. - -``It is fine. I do not know that it is a dessert. Have you ever had chicken and waffles, my dear?'' - -Ey shook eir head, reaching for a piece of the (slightly soggy) cake and the pot of honey. - -``It is not that, but it reminds me of it. Savory and meaty but also sweet and bready.'' - -Ey frowned as ey chewed on the morsel. Ey could see it being truly delicious if it had not been cooked in venison grease specifically. The gaminess made it a strange mix. - -``Good, but not great,'' was True Name's assessment, to which May nodded vigorously. - -They finished the griddle cakes all the same, keeping up the banal chatter. It felt good, ey realized, to talk about nothing. Day after day of serious talks had worn on em more than ey realized, and ey made a silent note to thank May later for forcing them into something more pleasant. The greeting she'd given True Name was weird, but it definitely broke the suspense that had dogged them all week. - -After dinner, ey cleaned up the dishes by hand while True Name went back to her room and May settled onto her beanbag, getting a thoughtful look on her face that usually meant she was working mentally. - -Once ey was finished, ey settled down beside the skunk, letting her squirm in next to em and get an arm around eir middle. Ey blinked a cone of silence into being over them. ``It's good to have you back,'' ey said, hugging around her shoulders. ``What was that all about?'' - -She snagged eir free hand and put it atop her head. A clearer demand for pets there was not. ``Mm? You mean me being a chipper ditz?'' - -Ey laughed, stroking over her ears. ``Well, I was going to ask about the hug, mostly. My guess about you being chipper was to get us to finally talk about something light rather than yet more intense or depressing stuff.'' - -``You are right on that one, yes,'' she mumbled. ``We doubtless have more heavy shit to talk about, but I spent hours crying today, and if we did not break out of that cycle, I would have spent yet more in tears.'' - -``I won't bring it up, then.'' - -``Good.'' She poked em in the belly, then went back to her hug. ``Though as to the greeting, I meant it when I said I got a lot off of my chest. I spent a lot of time thinking and a lot of time talking to End Waking and Debarre, and I have some ideas for moving forward.'' - -``Oh?'' - -She shook her head beneath eir hand and tightened her grip around em. ``I do not want to discuss them now. I am tired and cried out and you are comfortable and good to me.'' +She shrugged again, slowly rolled up off the couch to her feet, swayed for a moment, then walked off to her room, the door snicking shut behind her. diff --git a/mitzvot/content/017.tex b/mitzvot/content/017.tex index 400c335..9ce0875 100644 --- a/mitzvot/content/017.tex +++ b/mitzvot/content/017.tex @@ -1,213 +1,201 @@ -\begin{center}\rule{0.5\linewidth}{0.5pt}\end{center} +\hypertarget{debarre-2350}{% +\chapter{Debarre — 2350}\label{debarre-2350}} +\markboth{Debare — 2350}{} -The next few days passed in relative peace. There were no fights between the two skunks, and while, at least once a day, they set up a cone of silence to talk about whatever it was that True Name had discussed that first time, there were no more instances of May falling apart or True Name wearing herself out quite so badly. The discussions sounded serious, and never quite friendly, but ey was at least somewhat happy to see the two talking without quite so much ire between them. +The next few days after Ioan's visit and brief explanation about what had happened with True Name were full of long walks and longer silences. End Waking politely requested that Debarre remain behind for the majority of the walks. -May wasn't the only one, either. At one point, Time Is A Finger Pointing At Itself and one of her up-tree instances, Where It Watches The Slow Hours Progress visited to talk with True Name. Both were far more earnest in their affection toward her, which she seemed to welcome with a sense of cautious relief. Ey supposed it made sense, given A Finger Pointing's habit of making friends with everyone she could. +There was a sense in the air that the skunk wanted to ask him to leave again, to fall back into solitude and, though he'd never use the word around him, moping. He'd still talk, still hold up his end of the conversations, but always there would be a slight pause before speaking, always a bit more distance than usual, always something out in the forest that called to him just that much more strongly than the weasel before him. -Ey'd only met Slow Hours once prior and, while she was just as friendly as her down-tree instance, she also seemed somewhat removed from the world as a whole, as though seeing just a little more than everyone around her. ``Clairvoyance,'' A Finger Pointing had whispered to em after that first introduction. ``She has the outline of the world.'' +It was never comfortable to be asked to leave one's partner. He knew the reasons, could understand the drive, but to build a relationship up over however many decades it was now, and yet still need to put it on hold for months or, on one occasion, years at a time still hurt. -They talked for nearly three hours that afternoon, breaking only to get more water part way through. When they were finished, True Name looked wrung out, though not unhappy. A Finger Pointing mostly looked confused and concerned while Slow Hours kept her faraway, nearly delphic smile. Both were patterned after the human Michelle rather than the skunk Sasha, lending an additional layer of uncanniness in their similarities to May and True Name, even across species. +He knew he had a temper, too. He'd spent the last centuries going all the way back to Cicero's death working on setting that aside when he could feel it getting too hot within him. He always worked his hardest at that around End Waking. He loved the skunk, wanted nothing but the best for him, and although he knew that End Waking was one of the more resilient Odists, he had also known Michelle far longer than\ldots well, just about anyone possibly could, now. Two and a half centuries was a long time to understand just how the other person processes pain and trauma, and he didn't want to add to any of the Odists' burden, having spent so long with them from the beginning. From before the beginning, in some senses. -Curiouser and curiouser. Ey'd always pictured A Finger Pointing's stanza as one of the more liberal ones, and had early on noticed that the liberal Odists had largely distanced themselves from the more conservative ones. To have two of them specifically drop by to visit True Name was quite surprising. +Well, except perhaps True Name. -The most curious thing, though, had to be May. +There were few enough people he hated in the world, though certainly a great many who grated on his nerves. True Name and her ilk, though, were universally among that number. He knew he could never hurt anyone, but, well, everyone had their fantasies. He knew he should never wish harm befall anyone, but some people\ldots{} -It wasn't just that all the work she'd put into her feelings about her cocladist had seemingly paid off—other than a few tense moments, mostly silent, she was at worst distant and at best willing to hold conversations with True Name about a limited set of topics—but that even in those tensest moments, she seemed to at least want to do something. Whether it was out of an earnest desire to improve True Name's life or to simply get this situation over with seemed to vary depending on her mood. +This latest development was putting this to the test. -It was her discussions with End Waking that really knocked em off-kilter, though. Her visits to his forest sim came at least once a day, and it wasn't until the fourth that she was willing to share anything about their conversations. +He'd continue the work on the cabin while End Waking went for his walks—they'd gotten the floor and stove in place, as well as the A-frame, but the canvas of the tent still needed to be strung, and he had a few ideas for improvements—and all the while, he'd swing steadily between the poles of feeling nauseous at the thought of one less fraction of his friend in the world, one more death of one of the lost, and wild fantasies of popping champagne upon hearing that her final instance had been destroyed. -``Wait, what? End Waking wants to merge down? I can't even imagine that.'' +Part of him wondered if End Waking was going through the same. He wanted to ask, but didn't want to risk that pushing the skunk over into requesting that he leave with the tent not yet complete. -``That is what we have been talking about, yes. I shared\ldots I mean, I told him what she told me, and it has changed things.'' +So, Debarre just kept working, kept fantasizing. He'd gotten the last of the canvas lashed down over the sides of the frame and was on to working on the front wall of the tent. At least there was productivity to lean on, even if he couldn't lean on his boyfriend at the moment. -``Are you sure that's even a good idea?'' ey asked. ``I mean, won't that just make her feel worse if she also has to deal with all of that regret?'' +He jumped, startled out of work and reverie by two sensorium pings in short order. The first came from End Waking, the word `company' muttered quietly, and the second was a ping of arrival from the sim itself. -May fiddled with the corner of the top sheet. They'd sat up in bed, the topic not feeling quite right for pillow-talk. ``Possibly, yes. I do not think that it would be permanently detrimental. If she has a fuller view of the world, perhaps she will be better able to engage with it with empathy.'' +With the new tent, End Waking had made the default entry point around a small rise from home, leaving it a short walk around—or a shorter but much steeper dash up and over—the ridge. -Ey held eir gaze steady, frowning. ``I don't think you're giving her enough credit on the empathy front.'' +Debarre opted for the up and over, nearly tumbling down the other side of the hill to where the form knelt in the clearing. End Waking was just making his way through the trees on the opposite side, so they converged on the visitor at the same time. -She clutched the sheet tightly in her fists, visibly counting to ten, then sighed. ``Yes. You are right, Ioan. I am primed to see less in her than you, I think. +May Then My Name was sobbing. It looked as though she had been for a bit, too, judging by the mess of tear-tracks in the fur of her cheeks. -``I know, May, I'm sorry,'' ey said, shaking eir head. ``I know it's complicated.'' +There wasn't much that he could think of to say, so he awkwardly shifted from a crouch to a kneeling position beside her, wrapping his arms around her shoulders and gently tugging her against him. Although he rarely had reason to comfort May Then My Name in particular, it was familiar enough from all the way back at the Crown Pub when Sasha'd come back from some break-up or another. -She smiled gratefully. ``Thank you, my dear. Let me rephrase and say that having that additional perspective will give her new tools to engage with the world.'' +``I will get water,'' End Waking murmured, leaving the physical comfort to someone better able to provide such. -``Right, that I can see. Given what all has been going on, I'm pretty sure I agree, too, so long as it's consensual between the two of them. I just worry that now's not a good time for it. If she's distracted processing all that when she's supposed to be thinking about what to do about Jonas, won't that put her at a disadvantage?'' +Her cry must have been nearing its end before she arrived, as she'd settled down to sniffles by the time her cocladist arrived with an enamel mug of water and a damp rag. -``I suppose,'' she mumbled, then smiled lopsidedly to em. ``But we have time, yes? Jonas said within the year, and I imagine\pagebreak\ it will take us at least a month to convince End Waking to join as requested.'' +``Can you drink, May Then My Name?'' he said gently. -Ey sighed. ``I don't know if that's necessarily reason to do it so soon, though. You're right that we should take our time with the meeting and plan as best we can. I just worry about her going in there already a mess because of a ton of conflicts when she needs to be in the best shape she can be.'' +She nodded and accepted the mug with both paws to hold it steady, taking a few unsteady laps of the water before simply clutching it to her chest. ``Thank you,'' she croaked, freeing up a paw to use the damp rag to wipe her face. ``I am sorry for so dramatic an entrance.'' -``You are right, as always,'' she grumbled, slumping forward to use eir thigh as a pillow. ``Thank you for keeping me grounded.'' +``Hush. You are fine,'' End Waking said. ``Everything sounded quite dramatic indeed. Please take your time, and we can discuss it later.'' -Ey stroked over the skunk's head, toying with one of her ears until she batted at eir hand. ``I know I say it a lot, but you're a good person, May. So is End Waking. I think True Name having more of that will only help.'' +She nodded, slouched a little further against Debarre, and sighed shakily. -``Do you think she is a good person?'' +He shot a quizzical look over to End Waking, who sent a brief sensorium ping in return. She must have explained a good bit more before arriving, then. -``Mmhm.'' +They sat like that for another five minutes or so, another few bouts of tears hitting the skunk while he tried to be as steady as he could for her, petting over her ears and murmuring reassurances. She'd leaned on AwDae more often than she had on him, all those years ago, but a friend's shoulder was a friend's shoulder, and he'd always offered when he could. This was, he supposed, no different. -``You answer so quickly. Is it that uncomplicated for you?'' +When she was finally able to pull herself together enough to walk, Debarre helped her to stand and the three of them made their way back to the tent. He sat her down on one of the two fallen tree trunks that had been set before the tent to either side of the fire pit, then took her mug to refill it while End Waking started a small fire. It wasn't that cold out, but warmth was warmth, comfort was comfort. -Ey thought for a moment, still combing fingers through the longer fur on top of the skunk's head. ``I suppose. I'm not sure why, though. She's complicated, and I disagree with her reasoning for a lot of what she's done, but I don't think that makes her a bad person.'' +With the cup safely back in her paws, Debarre sat beside May Then My Name once more, arm around her shoulder. ``Feel up to talking about it?'' -May nodded. +``Um, a little, maybe,'' the skunk said, voice raw. ``Just in general.'' -They stayed quiet until they worked their way under the covers again, cozying up for sleep, when May murmured, ``I have to believe that she is a good person, or at least capable of being one. For my sake, I have to at least try to believe that.'' +He nodded. -Ey kissed the backs of her ears and shushed her to sleep. +``True Name has been staying with us the last few days.'' -What kept coming back again and again was the feeling of just how small this project felt—if ey'd been assigned to it as amanuensis, might as well call it what it was. There were so few people involved. True Name and Jonas, then em, May, and End Waking on the periphery. Five people, three clades. It was intimate, in that sense. True Name and Jonas were larger-than-life\pagebreak\ most of the time, but having been forced into sharing space with her, ey was far more able to see the True Name of today as just someone caught up in a storm and Jonas as the force behind that storm. +``Sounds miserable. -And then there was emself, as powerless as Codrin\#Castor had felt almost four years back. +She smiled halfheartedly. ``Ioan expanded the house out to the other side with a separate bedroom. She has been spending most of her time in there, doing whatever it is that she does. Perhaps she is still pulling strings somewhere, I do not know. I do not particularly care.'' -The next morning saw both of the skunks more relaxed than ey'd seen them yet. They talked pleasantly over breakfast, and True Name even stuck around, sitting on the couch and watching the snow melt off the balcony while May and Ioan worked, her on her monologue and em reading back through the volume of \emph{An Expanded History of Our World} that focused on the Council of Eight—and the Ode and Jonas clades—in the centuries after its dissolution. +``I'm surprised you let her move in there,'' he said sourly. -After lunch, True Name returned to the couch with a glass of water and, after a moment's hesitation, May had joined her. +After a long pause, the skunk mumbled, ``It was my idea. I insisted, Ioan agreed.'' -``Why are you spending today out here?'' she asked, finally voicing a question ey'd kept to emself until now. +``Why?'' End Waking asked from where he crouched beside the fire. -``Honest answer or pithy one?'' +``I have incomplete thoughts. In terms of logistics, it made sense to have her where Jonas could not act against her.'' -``Both.'' +End Waking nodded. ``Yes, but why? Why did you not just let her build herself a new home? Leave her to her own devices until time, Jonas, or madness took her?'' -True Name laughed. ``The pithy one is that I am bored and lonely, and this seems to be my best bet at solving either. The honest answer is that I am bored and lonely and, even if the circumstances are not ideal, I want to at least try not to mope in my room all day as I am sorely tempted to.'' +May Then My Name averted her gaze. ``I do not want her to die. I do not want her gone.'' -``You've said you spend most of your time working interacting with your instances, yeah,'' Ioan said, turning eir desk chair to face the couch. ``I imagine it's been pretty quiet.'' +The other skunk went silent, staring at her for a long moment before getting back to building the fire up to a comfortable level. -``Yes. My instances, some up-tree cocladists, instances of Jonas, those of my\ldots friends.'' The last word sounded almost bashful for reasons ey couldn't place. She shrugged and continued, ``And now I am without all of those. No instances, none of my up-tree cocladists are responding, I do not wish to speak with Jonas for obvious reasons, and the relationships I have with my friends are largely bound up in that.'' +``I'm guessing it's the non-logistical side of things that's complicated,'' Debarre said. -May nodded. ``I do not know if we are the ideal company for you, given our interests, but at least we can try, I suppose.'' +``Yes. I seem to be cursed to think about her and after everything, I do not know why it is that I care about her.'' She sniffled and scrubbed her face with the rag as though to preemptively snap herself out of an oncoming wave of emotion. ``It has not been all that bad, really. Awkward, yes, but she spends most of her time in her room except at breakfast and dinner. Today, though, she requested to talk with me, and\ldots I cannot even begin to comprehend the specifics, but Jonas has\ldots ha-has been\ldots{}'' -``For which I am endlessly appreciative,'' True Name confirmed. ``Though I do still miss routine. Good company and productive company do not necessarily overlap.'' +Debarre rubbed at May Then My Name's back when that wave of emotion finally washed over her. -``\,`\emph{Productive} company'?'' +``I am sorry, Debarre. It was a lot,'' she mumbled. ``Jonas has been playing her for centuries now. He has been structuring her life for her in such subtle ways that even she was not able to see it. She\ldots well, something happened a few years after launch. A trap of sorts. Jonas's plans hit all at once and she has been working under his thumb since then.'' -``You are very nice to be around. Both of you. It is productive for my mental health, perhaps, and nice to be able to rest, but it is not what I \emph{do}, May Then My Name. This is not who I am. I am not one to crash at her friends' place, however pleasant they may be.'' +They sat in silence for a bit, Debarre racing through various questions, rejecting each as too personal, too mean, too off-topic. Finally, he asked, ``So, why are you so upset?'' -Ioan could feel an argument brewing. What True Name was saying very likely was true: this wasn't who she was as a person, and now she had been knocked into some new setting. Ey suspected May knew that, even. Ey could see the skunk working on keeping an open expression, despite her cocladist's indelicate wording. Still, there was a thin line to be crossed, and they were edging closer. +``That is where the specifics I cannot mention lay. Beyond that, though, I am just\ldots torn. I am torn. I want to kick her out. I want to invite Jonas over and have him bring his pet assassin. I want her to disappear into ignominy.'' She took a deep breath, continued, ``But I also want her to get out of this mess. I may not want her around, but I want her to find something—anything—else to do with her life and to not have to deal with that living, breathing sack of shit anymore. No one should have to deal with that.'' -``Well, it's better than being assassinated, right?'' ey said, trying to lighten the mood. +``E.W. said he needed to be better than her. Sort of like that?'' -May grinned. True Name did not. +She shrugged. ``I do not know. It does not feel accurate for me to say that, but I cannot explain why.'' -``Sorry, probably still a bit too soon.'' +``Well,'' he said, waving the point away. ``I'm with you on the feeling torn bit, at least. Was just thinking about that when you showed up. Like, would I celebrate if she died? Or would I feel like there was just that much less of you around?'' -``Perhaps. I would rather be alive here than not alive at all, but it is not an ideal situation for any of us, I think, yes?'' +``You think about it from the outside, my love,'' End Waking said. ``You think about who we were. You have the capacity to do so. May Then My Name and I have diverged so far from True Name that she has become a new entity, and I do not think that we can so easily see Sasha in her.'' -May averted her gaze, but nodded all the same. +May Then My Name nodded toward End Waking. ``And that is the source of at least some of my resentment towards her. I cannot see Sasha in her, and yet I was created from her. I see that of Sasha in myself, the caring side of her who got lost looking for lost friends, and while I can \emph{remember} those few years that I was True Name, I am not that person. I do not feel like I ever was that person. Becoming me was waking up from a dream.'' -``My apologies, you two,'' True Name said with a hint of a bow. ``I am restless and anxious. I do not want to meet with Jonas. I do not want to stay in hiding. I do not want to go back to being overworked, but I am unhappy having no work. Call it an addiction, if you will, but I am nothing if I am not True Name.'' She bared her teeth in a bitter sneer and, as she continued, her words came faster, hotter, more frustrated. ``And why should I not be? I have worked hard to become myself. That I am what I am and unrepentant of that is perhaps a disappointment to many, but it means more to me to stick to what I believe to be true than to--'' +``A nightmare, perhaps,'' the other skunk murmured. -``True Name,'' May said, interrupting the other skunk's tirade. ``Wait.'' +``You and I have different resentments. I would say an unnerving dream that makes me all the happier to be what I am now.'' -Wrong footed, True Name frowned. ``What? Why? I do not--'' +``You are a better person than I.'' -May held up her paw, a brief glance at the ceiling hinting at a sensorium message elsewhere. +Debarre threw a twig at his boyfriend. ``No moping. You're both good people. Jury's out on True Name, but given that you two get so fucking upset whenever she's around, I'm leaning towards not so good.'' -Ioan frowned as well. Intuition told em the discussion they'd had earlier was quickly moving beyond hypothetical. ``May, are you sure--'' +End Waking smiled. It was slight, but he was pleased to see it all the same. -True Name jolted upright in her seat on the couch. ``What the fuck is--'' +``Qoheleth, poor, stupid man that he was, had much that he was correct about, but one thing that he completely failed to understand was growth,'' May Then My Name mused. ``There is plenty of growth, here. That is perhaps the one thing we have more than memory, the one thing that protects us from too much memory. All that time may still drive us mad, but at least we have the ability to grow to the point where we are no longer True Name.'' -``Accept it,'' May said, and ey could see the full force of all her centuries of earnestness focused on her cocladist; earnestness, kindness, the right tone, the perfect cant of ears and bristle of whiskers, all of it fine tuned to show her just what she needed to see. ``It will only help, True Name.'' +``A-fucking-men.'' -Her face contorting with the strain of holding what must be a very large high-priority merge from End Waking at bay without either remembering or forgetting it, True Name gasped. ``May\ldots{} May Then\ldots{} Why\ldots{}'' +She laughed. ``Right? Thank you two for talking, though. I know it is not really a pleasant topic, but it has helped me immensely.'' -May's expression softened further, picking up a hopeful smile. ``Please, my dear. I think you need this. I think we \emph{all} need this, if we are to move forward, if you are to be able to move past what Jonas wants of you. Please accept. Please.'' +Debarre squeezed her around the shoulders. ``Of course, skunk.'' -True Name nodded shakily, attempted a dry swallow, and then let End Waking's centuries of memories crash into her. +``You feel so much more than I do,'' End Waking said. ``So I cannot understand the ways in which you are torn. There is also much more than I think you are saying--'' -The change was immediate and more dramatic than ey'd anticipated. Ey had been expecting a shell-shocked look and maybe a few minutes of silence, but instead True Name's expression melted into a glazed, ischemic stupor. The glass of water she'd been clutching but had yet to drink tumbled to the floor and, as all her muscles gave out at once, she began to slide off the couch. +``There is, yes. Sorry.'' -``Shit. Shit! Ioan!'' May shouted. +``--and so I cannot offer much in the way of advice, but I can welcome you to my forest and offer you company and a meal. Will you be staying for dinner?'' -Ey was already on eir feet and halfway around the table, thankfully in time to catch the skunk before she slid down into the pool of water on the floor. Ey managed to get eir arms under hers enough to hoist her up into the couch again while May ducked around to lift her feet so that they could lay her out on her back. +``I would like to, yes.'' She hesitated, then added, ``True Name has joined us for dinner these last few days, and I would like a break.'' -They both stared down at her. +``Are you opposed to an early dinner, Debarre?'' -``Fuck,'' May whispered. +``\,'Course not. If you cook, May Then My Name and I can get the cot in the tent. -``What just happened?'' +They broke from there. May Then My Name forked several times over to help him in repopulating the inside of the tent with the necessities while End Waking made venison cutlets and savory corn griddle cakes. -``One moment,'' she said, waving away the spilled water so that she could kneel by the couch. There was a moment's hesitation before she brushed some of the skunk's longer head fur away from her face. ``Can you close your eyes?'' +``There's still a lot we need to do in here, so we can't drag everything in yet,'' the weasel explained as they returned to where End Waking's goods were stored under a canvas tarp. ``But getting a few essentials in here will help in the meantime. Hopefully just a few more days and we'll be all set again. I think E.W. may kick me out at that point.'' -When True Name didn't respond, didn't move, May gently brushed her paw down to close them for her. She leaned closer, whispering a few more questions ey could not hear, though there was still no response. +``So soon?'' -After lingering a moment longer, she stood shakily, took Ioan's hand in her paw and led em to the balcony despite the cold. As soon as the door shut behind them, she burst into tears. +``He called me back in the middle of a solitary spell, remember?'' -Ey guided her carefully to the bench swing to sit her down, letting her cry herself out against eir shoulder. +She nodded. ``Well, yes, but I had hoped that\ldots well, I am sorry, Debarre. I imagine it must be difficult.'' -``I am sorry, my dear,'' she said when she could speak again at last. ``Really, truly sorry.'' +``A little. I miss him when I'm gone, but I usually merge back down and get to focusing on whatever \#Tracker is up to, then re-fork when he's up to having me around again.'' -Ey shook eir head, kissing her between the ears. ``You don't need to apologize to me. Is she alright?'' +``We are different in that respect, I guess. If Ioan requested six months away from me I think I would have a pretty rough time of it.'' -``She should be,'' she mumbled. +He laughed and ruffled a paw over her ears. ``I think you'd fucking explode. Thankfully, ey doesn't seem like the type.'' -``Alright. I'm more confused than anything. Was that your and End Waking's plan?'' +She nodded gratefully. ``Ey does not, no. I am just sorry that I was too heated to stick around and talk with em about this. Thank you again, Debarre. I needed to talk about it, just with someone who has an appropriate distance from the topic. I cannot overstate how terrifying what she said was.'' -She pressed closer to em. ``That was him merging back down, yes. We have been discussing it for days, now. I did not expect that, though,'' she said, and ey could hear that she was on the verge of crying once more. ``I never intended to hurt her.'' +``Uh, of course, May Then My Name. Can you tell me any more about it?'' -``Can you explain what happened, at least?'' +``Perhaps over dinner, my dear. I need food, and I need to talk to your boyfriend.'' -She nodded, swallowing down that wave of tears as best she could. ``We are good at forking and merging. Very, \emph{very} good at it. I am pretty sure you know that, though.'' +Dinner, it turned out, was not long in coming. Well-seasoned deer and griddle cakes cooked in the grease. ``I have made them with too much salt just for you, May Then My Name,'' he said with a polite bow. -``Did something go wrong, then?'' +She stuck her tongue out at him. ``Much appreciated. It tastes almost like normal food.'' -``End Waking has not merged down in more than a century and a half. Even when she merged down when Michelle quit, all she had to do was let the memories fall onto her and then quit herself. He has diverged quite far in that time, as is to be expected, which means the potential for conflicts.'' +He made a rude gesture at her, but grinned all the same. -Eir frown deepened. Ey thought ey could tell where this was going. ``Aren't those usually just when memories don't line up, though?'' +``So,'' Debarre said between bites. ``Anything else you can tell us about what True Name said?'' -May gave the barest hint of a shrug against em. ``You have met her, and you have met him. Their viewpoints are almost diametrically opposed, yes?'' +The other skunk stacked a bite of griddle cake on top of a bite of venison and chewed thoughtfully. At last, she sighed,\linebreak~saying, ``I do not want to talk about too much of it, not aloud. It is too close to the surface as yet and I will turn into a sobbing\pagebreak~mess. Again, I mean.'' -Ey nodded. +``Of course, no rush.'' -``Viewpoints are built atop a collection of memories. That they can share so many memories and yet have such different outlooks on the world and their actions is a subtler, but trickier sort of merge conflict.'' She paused, took a deep breath, then continued slowly. ``I pressed her to accept because I knew that she would accept the merge as smoothly as she always does if there was external pressure. She merged blithely and took on 156 years of End Waking all at once. All of his memories. All of his penance. All of his loathing for what he did, what she was so proud of.'' +``Right. Well, Jonas got her involved with something in the late 2130s. It was sort of a side\ldots thing, very hush-hush but it still has taken up at least a small part of her attention ever since. It was all very low-level stuff—low enough that it flew beneath even her radar—and I guess after Launch, he dropped it all on her in a meeting similar to what he had promised for Secession day. All that time had turned into a lever to use against her, and I think that, whether she realizes it or not, relatively little has been done of her own accord since then here on Lagrange.'' -``And it was too much?'' ey asked. +Debarre nodded, waiting for her to say more, to which she eventually shook her head. ``I am sorry. I need at least a few days to be able to process it. I cannot even think about it without wanting to\ldots I do not know. I want to quit and force a merge on her. I want \emph{you} to force a merge on her,'' she said, nodding to End Waking. ``I want her to know something other than herself.'' -Her face screwed up again as she nodded. ``I nuh-never wanted t-to hur-hurt her,'' she stammered as the tears started to flow once more. +The skunk sat up straighter. ``So you have hinted, yes. Why, though? Why would you want her to feel that resentment? Why do you think she would be able to internalize my penance? Why the fuck do you--'' -Ey got eir arms around her again and held her close. A quick glance through the windows showed that True Name still lay on the couch, breathing shallowly. +``E.W.,'' Debarre murmured. ``Cool it.'' -``May, I want to ask you something,'' ey said, once she had calmed down. ``And\ldots well, I think it'll probably make you cry again, but I want to make sure we stay open about this. Is that okay?'' +He tugged his hood down lower over his head and stayed silent for several seconds. ``I am sorry, May Then My Name. I did not mean to yell. It is just that I worked hard at getting where I am now, and if she is to feel any—\emph{any}—remorse about what she has done with her life, I would like for her to come by it honestly, and if she does not, then I would like her to face the consequences of her actions.'' -She whined quietly, but nodded all the same. +``I do at least understand that,'' May Then My Name said cautiously. She had shied away from her cocladist at the force of his words, but the apology and explanation drew her back. ``You do not need to answer now, or ever for that matter, but is it something you would at least consider?'' -Ey took a deep breath, keeping eir voice as gentle as ey could. ``I'm not upset with you, but I need to know since this is just getting weirder and weirder. Are you sure you didn't want to hurt her?'' +``Perhaps. I do not feel the need to engage with her as you seem to, but there is little enough engagement in merging down. If I had not made my rejection of what she is a part of my identity, if I could let that go, then I would rescind my membership from the clade just to sever what ties of association remain.'' -There was a long silence before she replied. Ey watched her count her breaths, one of the exercises that had worked best to ground her. At least, she counted as best she could between sniffles. +``Would you just be End Waking of no clade, then?'' -``I think,'' she started, then cleared her throat. ``I \emph{know} a part of me was acting out of vengeance.'' +``Perhaps I would just call myself E.W., my love.'' -Ey nodded. ``We've talked about that, yeah.'' +Debarre grinned. ``Excellent.'' -``Right. I think that part was hoping that it would be a rough merge to knock her down a peg, yes,'' she said, then let out a shaky sigh. She was starting to shiver from the cold. ``I did not think it would be this bad, though. I am really sorry, Ioan. I want to be a good person.'' +``You two are disgusting,'' May Then My Name said. ``Please keep up the good work.'' -Hugging her tightly to em, ey said, ``It's okay, May. We'll just have to see what comes of it.'' +``You're one to talk, smartass. You and Ioan could make my teeth rot.'' -She nodded, fell back into breathing exercises. +``I have em well trained, do I not? Perhaps I will make em an honorary member of the clade in your stead.'' -``And I believe you when you say you didn't want to hurt her. Both those--'' +End Waking smirked. ``Would ey take my name, then?'' -She elbowed em in the side. ``Yes, yes. Both can be true at once. You know we have the same therapist, right? She says the same things to me.'' +``No, we would have to give em a similarly Odist name. Some silly line of poetry, a few nonsense words smashed together. Gentle Confusion or something.'' -Ey smiled, pleased to hear the humor in her voice. ``Sorry, May.'' +They laughed. -She wormed her arms around em to give a tight squeeze. ``It is alright. You are just a nerd. Both of those things can be true, too.'' After a moment's hesitation, she asked more quietly, ``Can you see her? Is she okay?'' +``Where I Am Overcome By Gentle Confusion of the Ode-Bălan clade,'' Debarre said. ``And I'd be something like Even Real Shitheads Know Their Dreams.'' -``She's rolled onto her side. Still breathing pretty quick.'' +May Then My Name flicked a crumb of griddle cake at him. ``Good job on the first name, not so much on the second. I do not think it fits the tone very well, even if you are a bit of a shithead.'' -May nodded, wiping at her face, though it did little to help her disheveled look. ``Let us get back in and check on her, then. We may want to get her into bed. Being comfortable can make it easier.'' - -``True Name?'' ey murmured once ey'd crouched beside her. ``Can you make it to your room?'' - -Her eyes remained closed, flicking about beneath her eyelids. There was the tiniest shake of her head. - -Ey looked to May, who only watched anxiously, wringing her paws. - -Oh well, ey'd lifted eir partner on more than one occasion, ey supposed this wouldn't be too different. Ey slipped eir arms beneath the skunk, though she remained limp. Through a bit of shifting, ey was eventually able to get her leaned against eir chest, head on eir shoulder rather than lolling back, gaining enough leverage to be able to lift her. She was a little lighter, but when ey lifted May, she usually got her arms around eir shoulders, too. - -Ey was able to get her into bed easily enough, May holding the covers back while ey did so and then draping them back over her after. - -It was eir turn to stand awkwardly by while May sat beside True Name and brushed a paw over her head. ``I am sorry, my dear, I thought\ldots{}'' she started, then sighed. ``I will sit with you. I am sorry.'' - -Ioan backed slowly out of the room, sliding the door shut quietly behind em. May sounded on the verge of tears once more, but, of all the things ey was not supposed to fix, perhaps least able to fix, this certainly felt like the top of the list. +``Confirmation at last,'' End Waking said dreamily. diff --git a/mitzvot/content/018.tex b/mitzvot/content/018.tex index bfd654d..d47273e 100644 --- a/mitzvot/content/018.tex +++ b/mitzvot/content/018.tex @@ -1,101 +1,111 @@ -\hypertarget{ioan-bux103lan-2350}{% -\chapter{Ioan Bălan — 2350}\label{ioan-bux103lan-2350}} -\markboth{Ioan Bălan — 2350}{} +\vspace{-0.2cm} +\begin{center}\rule{0.5\linewidth}{0.5pt}\end{center} +\vspace{-0.2cm} -It took about six hours for True Name to recover from the merge to where she could stand up and walk well enough to get a glass of water. Her expression remained glazed and she was unable to speak. It wasn't until the next morning that she was able to hold a conversation, though she remained quiet and largely confined to her room, refusing the offer of coffee. +Having sent May Then My Name home with a few extra griddle cakes and then run out of daylight, Debarre and End Waking gave up on any additional work for the day. The tent was livable, if incomplete, and a bit of a break felt nice, anyway. They sat beside each other before the fire and watched the flames, not speaking, simply enjoying the warmth and each other's company. -May spent much of that time by her side. Ey wasn't sure what it was that the two did while in her room, if it was just May sitting by the skunk's side, if she was just being present, if the two were having their own quiet conversations, or sharing what affection she was comfortable sharing with a down-tree instance she had resented enough to shock so severely. +At least, Debarre enjoyed the warmth and the feeling of his boyfriend beside him. He couldn't tell what End Waking was thinking or feeling. He'd not said a word since wishing his cocladist goodbye and good luck. -All three, ey suspected. Ey checked in on them a few times, knocking and listening for permission to enter. Each time, True Name remained curled in bed with May seated nearby, whether on a chair beside it or sitting up on the bed itself. Ey'd ask if they needed anything, they'd both decline, and then ey'd go back to pacing holes in the rug or the yard or around Arrowhead Lake. +``Thanks for letting me stay, E.W.'' -The rest of the time, May was out with em, almost always as close as she could be, whether that was tucked in against eir side on the beanbag, hugging around eir middle from behind while ey cooked, or, at one point, requesting that ey sit on the floor outside the bathroom while she showered, just so that she could talk and, in her words, feel eir presence. +``Mm? Of course, my love. I am glad for your help and your company.'' -The mood throughout remained somewhere between anxious and remorseful. +He nodded. Silence fell again. End Waking put another log on the fire. -That evening, True Name requested that they eat dinner out at the lake rather than at home, saying, ``I am feeling too cooped up by walls and yet more walls.'' +``I know that I am a less-than-ideal partner, Debarre. I \emph{do} love you, I promise.'' -Ey supposed it made sense, now that she had the competing memories of End Waking and however many personality traits that came with. He had only visited Ioan and May a scant handful of times, and then always out in the yard, refusing to go indoors. +\emph{Here it comes.} ``Love you too, E.W. Want some space after we're done with the camp?'' -So, they packed up a simple dinner of sausages, zucchini, and potatoes to cook and stepped out to the lake. +``Please,'' the skunk said after a long pause. ``I do not like sending you away, but so much has happened this last week, these last few months\ldots{}'' -The tents were still set up and the second bundle of firewood remained untouched, leaning against one of them, so Ioan and May watched as True Name tiredly built and lit the fire. She left them sitting on one of the logs before it, watching the flames go from fast and loud to something quieter and hotter, while she disappeared up the hill into the forest. She returned some time later with a bundle of arm-length sticks, all nearly as straight as dowels, which she built into a spit on which they could roast the sausages while the potatoes baked near the coals of the fire. It was all done with a practiced ease borne from decades of memory. +He scooted closer to End Waking and slipped an arm around his waist. It was probably more affection than the skunk would have preferred at the moment, but he needed at least something to go with that statement. End Waking seemed to realize this, as well, and although he didn't reciprocate the affection, he did at least relax against Debarre's side. -The food was pleasantly smokey and well cooked, though otherwise unseasoned. True Name remarked on this part way through the meal, saying, ``If you call the food bland again, May Then My Name, I will call you lame again.'' +``What do you suppose they are doing on Artemis?'' End Waking asked, staring at the fire rather than up to the stars. -The humor felt out of place, and certainly went over Ioan's head, but at least it got May smiling again, something she'd not done in more than a day. +``Hmm? My guess is that everyone's getting settled in by now. All those who went along with have probably dug homes or whatever they call it in the fifthrace area, and some are probably getting pretty good at\ldots uh, \emph{Nanon}, was it?'' -``I am pleased that you made it through, my dear,'' May said. ``I will not apologize again, I have done so enough already, but I am pleased all the same.'' +``Did Debarre\#Castor go with?'' -``I have grown weary of being apologized to, yes,'' she replied. ``And my feelings on the events remain complicated, but I thank you for thinking of me.'' +``No, actually. He still hasn't told me why, either. He's at least spent quite a bit of time in Convergence. Lots of visiting with Codrin and Dear. Have you heard from them? They've quite a name for themselves there, apparently.'' -``I'm glad, too,'' Ioan added, unwilling to let the dinner once more fall into silence. ``How are you feeling otherwise?'' +``Only when Dear writes clade-wide. It and I were never as close as we could have been. It sounds happy, at least, and passes on good stories.'' -She shrugged. ``Uncomfortable. Fractured. I have spoken to End Waking only a few times since he requested revocation of his access to our secure materials. I knew that he was upset, but not just how, and not to what extent.'' She sighed, then added, ``And now I am left with that.'' +He laughed. ``I can't imagine anything but, honestly. Any news of the others?'' -``Thus `fractured'?'' +``Codrin sounds unhappy, and I cannot quite piece together why.'' -``Yes. I must admit that much of my time while down and out was spent struggling to maintain a sense of myself as True Name. Had I simply accepted everything at face value and incautiously, I think I would have gone mad. As it is, I feel perilously close.'' +``Really? Like, with eir new job?'' -May sniffled and looked off toward the lake in the deepening evening. +``Oh, no, ey still seems quite pleased with that from the text, but the subtext is that ey is displeased in some other, more fundamental way. I always get that sense when news includes the topic of Artemis.'' -``I understand what you were trying to do, May Then My Name. I understand why you planned that, how you managed to talk us both into it, and what you hoped to get out of it, but \emph{you} must understand that what you did was set two existences within me. One was set on goals that I believed in—\emph{still} believe in—while the other regrets everything that made me me.'' The skunk's voice sounded far more tired than angry, enough to keep May from winding up in tears again, though she did set her food aside. ``I do not think that End Waking believed in anything. His life was spent un-believing that which he was, which we were.'' +``What about Sorina, though? Doesn't ey have connections through her?'' -``What does that leave you, now?'' +The skunk shrugged. ``I do not know. These communications are simple family letters or those little quippy snippets that Dear is so fond of. Nothing in depth.'' -``I do not know yet, Ioan. It makes me too full of being, of time, to be just one thing. It will likely take me several days to settle into\ldots something. To settle into myself, whatever that now means.'' +Debarre hesitated, unsure of how to broach the question. \emph{No way out but through,} ey thought, saying, ``What about True Name\#Castor? Anything from her?'' -They fell into silence again while Ioan and True Name finished their food and May looked down at her paws or into the fire. +``Not you, too,'' he said with a groan. ``I cannot seem to escape her today, can I?'' -``Thank you for joining me out here. I am both glad to be outdoors and intensely uncomfortable sitting on a fucking log,'' she said, smiling tiredly. ``I do not think that I will stay out here. The greater part of me demands a comfortable bed.'' +``Sorry, E.W.'' -``Those fucking cots are awful,'' May grumbled, sounding forced in her humor. ``Like a hammock, but far worse.'' +He sighed. ``No, it is okay. If that is what is happening, then that is what is happening, and we are bound to talk about it. One moment, then.'' -``I do not think that even End Waking enjoys them, so it is easy enough for the True Name part of me to win out on that subject.'' +There was a long silence from End Waking. Debarre imagined him trudging through exos, reading back through clade communiqués that his down-tree instance over on the LV had sent back. -``What did he-- what do you remember enjoying?'' Ioan asked. ``I want to hear the good things you have, now, too. I feel like we're all tiptoeing around all the bad memories and conflicting feelings. Tell me something good.'' +``She remains herself,'' he said at last. ``I mean truly herself, not the bent and twisted True Name of Lagrange. Competent, confident, in complete control. She strives behind the scenes in both Convergence and the rest of Castor as she always has.'' -True Name raised her eyebrows, then let her gaze drift up to the brightening stars. ``I remember teaching myself to hunt, promising myself that I would start small with snares and then work up from there, thinking that I would not let myself eat until I could eat food that I had caught myself. I remember getting so hungry and weak by the third day that I pinged Serene to see if she could help. She laughed and ruffled my fur and called me a dumbass, saying that she had not included fauna because I had not requested it, so of course I did not catch anything. She brought me a hamburger and I ate it so fast I got sick.'' +``\,`Bent and twisted'? I mean, she sounds like she's having a rough time of late, but that bad?'' -Ioan and May laughed. +``This is also subtext, my dear. The True Name of Lagrange no longer writes the same way as the True Name of the LVs. True Name\#Castor is as True Name was back before Launch, and True Name\#Pollux has settled down with Zacharias and sits on the Guiding Council, whatever that is. The one here is\ldots{}'' He frowned, visibly hunting for words. ``She is no longer what she was. She is middle-management. She is overworked and underappreciated. She continues on with her plans, to which I assume she still clings tight, but that comes with a sense of desperation that I cannot otherwise place. She is bent and twisted nearly to the point of fatigue, as when one bends a paperclip until it snaps.'' -``I remember each time I decided to cave and bring into the sim something new. I remember deciding that I needed a more efficient way to heat my tent than just relying on my fur and camp blankets, and then creating the stove. I remember getting so sick of just meat and what few vegetables I could grow at the time and deciding that I would need something like bread or tack for the calories. I remember learning about how hard it was to actually carve a bow and work with metal to create knives and axes, and I remember how it felt to bring each one into existence, a little bit of failure to accomplish a little bit of triumph. +``Is that why you think May Then My Name wants you to merge down?'' -``I remember the eighth or ninth winter out there, when the cold started to feel less terrifying because I knew what to do. I remember waking up one morning fucking freezing, building the fire back up, and shivering in front of it, then laughing for the sheer joy of it. The joy of bundling up, the joy of the air burning inside my nostrils, the joy of discomfort.'' +``To break her, you mean?'' -Ioan listened, entranced. The cadence of her speech had changed. It still had that well-spoken and dramatic air to it, still held the lack of contractions and all the small doublings-back and anaphora that seemed to come with being an Odist, but it was also more austere than it had been. Less purely functional and more cerebral, perhaps. +Debarre nodded. -``I remember the first time I went a year without seeing anyone, then the first time I went two. That was terrifying. I was sure that I was losing my grip on reality. I decided to make sure that I talked to someone at least once every few months after that to keep myself grounded. I remember when the Artemisians arrived and you two brought your play over, and being utterly delighted at all of the subtle ways you found to insult each other.'' +``Perhaps, yes. She shared more with me before she arrived and I do\ldots I do see the reasoning behind her request. What that actually means to her, however, I am not sure. Does she want to shock True Name into becoming whatever she considers a real person? Does she want to break her out of rigidity and make her more complete? Does she want her to move beyond whatever this unspeakable atrocity is through force alone? I do not know.'' -May grinned and elbowed em in the side. ``That one was Ioan's fault.'' +``Maybe just hurt her without killing her,'' he added. -True Name smiled and nodded. ``You should be pleased with it, my dear. Oh, and I remember tasting whiskey for the first time in years and being surprised at how much it burned. A Finger Pointing's offer to bring a case over was quite tempting. It reminded me that I love the surprise that comes with forgetting things, or at least as close as we can get. The taste of liquor had fallen way back in my mind, and the feeling of the burn of whiskey sent it rocketing right back up to the top.'' +End Waking looked at him sharply, then subsided. ``Also a possibility. Had you suggested that a decade ago, I would have been quite upset, because I do not think that who May Then My Name used to be could possibly have been so vengeful, but I am not sure that that is the case anymore.'' -``That doesn't sound so bad,'' Ioan said, smiling. +``Is that such a bad thing, though?'' Debarre frowned, considering his next words carefully. ``I mean, I love her, I think she's one of the best people I've ever met, but she was almost a caricature with how sweet she was. If she can be anything other than head-over-heels in love with everyone she meets, wouldn't that mean that she's a more complete person, too?'' -``It is not all unpleasant, not by a long shot. As much as I worked to keep my sense of self while integrating, I was also struck by wonder, and for that, I am grateful.'' +The skunk tensed and carefully scooted an inch or two away from Debarre, gently nudging the weasel's arm from around his waist. -``Was the merge a net-positive thing?'' +``Shit, I'm sorry, E.W. I didn't mean to offend.'' -She laughed. ``I cannot possibly know that, Ioan. I suspect there is no net value, or indeed any value, to be placed on simply having those memories. It will make my life more difficult or it will not, but I do not think it will make it better or worse. I will be what I am to become.'' +He laughed. A short, sharp bark of a laugh that was more bitter than amused. ``Fuck you, Debarre. Fuck you and how right you are.'' -Ey nodded. +Debarre blinked, nonplussed. -``But, May Then My Name?'' +``You are right. It is terrible that she has to hate someone to be more complete, but you are right. However, my love,'' End Waking said, grinning humorlessly. ``That means—that \emph{must} mean—that the same holds true for me, caricature of penance that I am.'' -The skunk looked nervously at her cocladist, as though worried of some reprisal. ``Yes?'' +He laid his ears flat, nodding. ``Sorry, E.W.'' -``Thank you for thinking of me.'' +``I do not know what a more complete version of myself looks like. I do not know how to attain that. I have no up-tree instances who have led earnestly happy lives to merge down and complement my fundamentally unhappy one. Perhaps that is why May Then My Name's idea rankles. Should I merge down and True Name learn to repent, learn to become more whole, then she will have done so without the work of actually having done so. Should I become happier, then I must work further years.'' -May only nodded, swallowing back tears. +``I dunno, is that true? I mean, yeah, she in her current form won't have done the work of repenting. Her body won't have been the one living out here in the middle of nowhere, but she'll have\ldots when did you last merge down?'' -``I remember a few days ago, too. I remember when you came to the forest, remember watching, awkwardly, while you cried on Debarre's shoulder after I told you about\ldots well, after we spoke. I remember hearing about all of your hatred over the years, about the resentment that you still have for me. I remember how it was that you talked me into this, how helpless I was before it. I remember all of it.'' +``I do not remember.'' -There was no more holding back the tears at that, though she did her best to cry silently. +Debarre squinted. ``I don't think it works that way.'' -True Name smiled more kindly than she had yet that night. ``But still, you thought of me. `I do not want her to die', you said. You said that you do not know why you still care about me, and you said that to your cocladist perhaps not yet knowing that I would have that memory as well. You two are both meddlesome brats, but thank you for thinking of me.'' +``I do not remember, Debarre,'' End Waking said tiredly. ``Sometime before the first centennial.'' -May tucked closer against Ioan's side and buried her face in eir shirt to cry, making a rude gesture at her down-tree instance before hugging her arms around eir waist. +He held up his paws, surrendering the point. ``Then she'll have more than a century's worth of work dumped on her, and she'll be the one who has to process that and try to integrate it. Can you imagine how fucked that'd feel? Can you imagine what she'd become?'' -``I think that means `no problem','' ey said. ``But I don't speak skunk all that-- ow! She bit me!'' +``Do \emph{you} think I should merge down?'' End Waking growled. -True Name laughed. ``It is no less than you deserve, I am sure. But come, once you are able to, let us walk to the rock at the end of the lake. I want to see the stars before we head back.'' +``I don't know, E.W. I really don't. Let's drop it, though, okay? I'm just gonna keep on hurting you if we keep this up, and I \emph{really} don't want that.'' + +The skunk sighed, nodded, and, after a moment, reached out and took Debarre's paw in his own. ``I am sorry I got so worked up. I do need a break from the topic, though. Thank you, my love.'' + +He smiled cautiously and gave that paw a little squeeze. + +They sat in silence for the rest of the night, then, watching the fire burn low until the skunk put it out. They stripped down for bed and, for the first time in months, climbed into their cot within their tent—theirs at least until the need for solitude struck full force again. They shared their wordless intimacies and then curled together for sleep. + +``You know that she will have memories of this, too, my love,'' End Waking murmured. + +``Let her,'' he said, yawning. ``You're more complete than you give yourself credit for. If the goal is for her to have some semblance of that, let her.'' diff --git a/mitzvot/content/019.tex b/mitzvot/content/019.tex index 58af152..f3f45f8 100644 --- a/mitzvot/content/019.tex +++ b/mitzvot/content/019.tex @@ -1,159 +1,155 @@ -\begin{center}\rule{0.5\linewidth}{0.5pt}\end{center} +\hypertarget{ioan-bux103lan-2350}{% +\chapter{Ioan Bălan — 2350}\label{ioan-bux103lan-2350}} +\markboth{Ioan Bălan — 2350}{} -What levity the night had gained slowly faded when they returned home. True Name explained that she had barely slept the night previous and needed to do so urgently, and as soon as the door shut behind her, May's shoulders sagged and she dragged em off to the bedroom. It was still early for them to be going to sleep, but then, ey was certainly tired enough. +With May out of the house and True Name doing\ldots well, whatever it was that she did in her room by herself, Ioan was left emotionally and intellectually stalled out, stuck by emself in an empty den. Ey sat for a while on the couch, staring out into the slowly melting snow on the deck and ruminating. Then, giving in to the urge to pace, ey slipped on the boots ey kept for just such occasions and slowly tramped a ring around the outer edge of the yard, first reveling in the crunch of the icy top layer of the snow, then the sweat ey worked up when, on the third lap, the snow began to drag at eir feet, and then finally the solidity of the uneven path ey'd worn down into the snow, a marker of energy spent. -They settled into bed, not talking, just resting forehead-to-forehead while ey pet through May's soft fur. There didn't seem to be anything that either of them needed to say, or if there was, not yet something they could. +The pacing gave em time and space. It let eir emotions spool out into nothingness while eir thoughts were left crunched beneath the treads of eir boots. Ey didn't know what ey thought about. Ey didn't know what ey felt. Ey just walked. -Eventually, though, they shifted to their usual spots, May tucked back against eir front, and slept straight through until morning. +Ey knew that, at one point, ey wondered if eir command to mirror the back yard for True Name's room meant that it made a new back yard or whether it just mirrored the view out the window. If it were the latter, would she be watching em? Would she be wondering why ey walked? Would she scoff? Would she wish for a way to crush her own worries down into the ice? -Ey woke to the quiet sounds of True Name rustling around in the kitchen, mugs being pulled down from the shelves. Ey grumbled, wondering why she hadn't thought to set up a cone of silence, then realized she'd almost certainly left it off intentionally as a subtle way to let them know that she was up. With her memories from End Waking, she almost certainly could be quieter than any of them. +And then the train of thought was gone, lost amid some whorl in the steam of eir breath. -Ey carefully slid out of bed, tucking the covers back over May to let her continue to doze. +An hour's walking gained em sore hips, a sweat-soaked shirt, and a well-trod trail around the outside of the yard. -``Good morning,'' True Name said quietly, bowing to em and holding out a mug of coffee. ``Black, yes?'' +``Fucking cold,'' ey grumbled, stomping the lingering snow off eir boots and the hems of eir slacks on the way up the stairs to the balcony. Ey kicked the boots off outside the door and shuffled inside. Ey could fork emself warm and dry, sure, but why do that when there was a perfectly good shower right there? -``Morning,'' ey said, accepting the coffee with a nod of thanks. ``Caught up on sleep?'' +So, ey lingered under the hot water for fifteen minutes, and instead of whorls of breath, the crunch of ice, the nothingness of slate-gray skies, eir thoughts and emotions dribbled down eir face in rivulets of water, swirled once, twice, disappeared down the drain. -She shrugged. ``A little, perhaps. Unnerving dreams, unnerving memories coming to the fore.'' +\emph{Dissociating,} ey thought, laughed to no one. -``Hopefully that lessens over time.'' +Brushed eir hair. Stared, unseeing, at emself in the mirror. Dressed in clean clothes—sweater vest? Sweater vest—and wound up sitting on the couch once more. -``It should, yes. It is already less overwhelming than it was yesterday afternoon.'' She shook her head. ``But I am sure you are tired of that topic after the last few days. How about you, my dear? Did you sleep well?'' +True Name peeked out of her room and bowed to em from just outside her door. The sound of the door and the movement out of the corner of eir eye startled em back to reality. ``Sorry, True Name. Everything okay?'' -``Well enough, I guess. I certainly needed it.'' +``Yes, thank you, Mx. Bălan.'' She smiled apologetically—such a strange look on her. ``I am not the greatest of cooks, but would you like me to make dinner tonight? I do not believe May Then My Name will be joining us, and it is getting dark.'' -``Coffee,'' May mumbled, stumbling out of the bedroom, looking disheveled. ``You did not bring me coffee.'' +``Huh?'' Ey whirled back around toward the picture windows and frowned. Sure enough, it was dimming into evening already. ``Oh, well, sure, I guess. I'm sure whatever you make will be fine. Sorry I'm so spacey.'' -Ioan snorted and shook eir head. ``I just got up, too, May. I've barely had a sip, myself.'' +The skunk padded into the kitchen and waved the apology away with a paw. ``You are fine, my dear. You are allowed to space out. It has been a dramatic few days, so I do not blame you. Can you please grant me ACLs enough to create ingredients?'' -``No excuses, only coffee.'' +After a pause to will it so, ey nodded. ``Sure, should be good now.'' -``It is on the counter, May Then My Name. I promise I did not leave you out.'' +``Thank you.'' -The skunk mumbled her thanks and retrieved her mug, lapping groggily. +Ey felt strange staring out into the yard—the opposite direction of the kitchen—while True Name cooked, so ey grabbed a notebook and moved to the dining table where, should ey be able to pull eir thoughts together, ey could write, and if ey couldn't, ey could at least talk with the skunk without twisting around in eir seat. -As if on some hidden signal, they moved to the dining table to focus on waking up, all apparently too tired to do much else. +Ey could not, it turned out. Ey flopped the notebook shut again and leaned back in eir chair. ``What're you cooking?'' -It was True Name who finally broke the silence, speaking quietly, more down to her mug than anything. ``I find myself caught off-guard by the sudden ending of the merge. I have never experienced that with any other merger. Perhaps it is down to individuation.'' +``Chicken\ldots rice\ldots stuff. It is college food.'' -``How do you mean?'' +Ey laughed. ``Right, I'm familiar. Sounds good. Certainly cold enough out there.'' -``I remember going to sleep here, but I also remember going to sleep with Debarre in my arms. I remember waking up with him, working with him through the day, even while I remember us talking to each other, and then I remember your message, May Then My Name, and then everything stops.'' +``Of course, yes. May Then My Name would have the same recipe, would she not?'' The skunk clattered about for a few more minutes, and then, apparently satisfied, leaned back on the counter behind the stove. ``I do not understand your affection for the weather, but I am happy to make warm things while it is about.'' -May's ears flicked back and she ducked her snout, looking abashed. ``I did not think of that. I am sorry. I will apologize to them as well.'' +``Hopeless romanticism, I guess,'' ey said. ``But whatever. Are you feeling better?'' -True Name lifted her gaze and smiled faintly to May. ``I do not think you need to worry too much, my dear. We-- they discussed it a few nights ago. It was something of a shock to be used to sleeping alone and also to not have someone in bed with me. +True Name shrugged, eyes locked in a glassy stare out the windows. ``I do not know if better is the correct word. I feel lighter, perhaps, having said what I did to May Then My Name. Conflicted, as well, that I feel lighter and yet she feel the burden of knowledge heavy enough to need to step away. For that, I apologize.'' -``I think May would explode without someone in bed with her,'' Ioan said, hoping to keep the mood light. +Ey nodded. ``She sent me a few brief pings. She's with End Waking and Debarre at the moment. No clue when she'll be back.'' -``It is not \emph{not} true. I do not sleep well alone.'' +``I am pleased to hear that she is safe.'' -``I have not experienced a relationship as True Name in\ldots some years. Even then we slept in separate beds.'' +``Now that you've had some space from it, can you tell me any more about what you told her that set her off?'' -May's grip on her coffee mug tightened and she slouched down further in her seat. +``I am not ready to get deep into it, Ioan, I hope you understand.'' -``I didn't know you were in a relationship,'' Ioan said. ``Did you, uh\ldots well, I mean, is that what you two talked about a few days back?'' +``Of course. I'm just worried. I guess. Did it have to do with her specifically?'' -Both skunks nodded. +She didn't respond. The skunk's gaze never wavered. Her posture remained relaxed and comfortable, and for that, ey felt all the more anxious. -``I don't mean to pry,'' ey added. ``Sorry if it's too personal.'' +``Well, maybe you can tell me what spurred the conversation?'' -After a long silence, True Name sighed. ``No, I think you will eventually learn about it anyway.'' When May's ears flattened, she hastened to add, ``At least in part.'' +``Right, yes,'' she said, deflating somewhat with a sigh. ``What do you believe, Ioan?'' -Ey stayed quiet. Ey wasn't sure how much to push or back off, whether or not there was some boundary ey should be aware of. It seemed more complex than simply keeping the relationship secret. +``Excuse me?'' -``I met a young fox some centuries back.'' The skunk spoke slowly and carefully. ``Red fox, that is, rather than a fennec like Dear. Furries tend to clump together, and I suppose I am no exception. We quickly became friends, then trusted confidants, and then occasional lovers. I did not let us become more than that. There was romance between us, but I was not comfortable becoming romantically entangled in my position.'' +``What do you believe? You do not strike me as religious, but surely you believe in something. The sanctity of life? Love? Art?'' -``That makes sense. I don't know why I thought that wouldn't be the case, actually.'' +Ey sat up straighter, frowning at her. ``That's a surprisingly difficult question to answer.'' -``I have said in the past that you two—that all of those in the clade who have formed lasting romantic relationships—have done something I was never able to,'' she said. ``That remains true. Zacharias and I never quite rose to the level of relationship. Lovers, yes, and perhaps even in love, but never partners. It was always in private, always alone. I had an image to maintain, and that did not include having a boyfriend.'' +``It is not at all surprising. It is easy to provide a noun and say that one believes in that. The irreversibility of time, perhaps? Your cocladist and Dear spoke to that in the \emph{History}.'' -``Did you want one?'' +The conversation was taking a decidedly Odist turn. Coming at the topic sideways, grand statements that came tinged with a sense of awe. They all seemed prone to falling into the style of speaking and ey fell for it every time. ``Mmhm. Several times.'' -``Pardon?'' +``But what does it mean to believe in something like that? Or the sanctity of life or love or art? Or God, for that matter? `Belief' as a word is a stand-in for a concept so broad as to be intimidating or impossible. One may say as Blake did, `For everything that lives is holy', but encompassing that within one's mind is truly terrifying.'' She finally broke her thousand-yard stare out the window and smiled faintly to em. ``Still, I believe in what I do, Ioan. Really, \emph{truly} believe. I feel called. I feel led. I am good at it. I wake up thinking about it, spend my day working with it, and fall asleep thinking yet more about it. We have an existence which is fundamentally different from that of phys-side, and I cannot put into words how much I love that. It is more than a want, I have a need so integral to my being for it to continue that I would not be True Name without it, and I love being True Name.'' -Realizing the sensitive nature of the question, ey held up eir hands. ``Sorry, I asked that without thinking. I was wondering if you wanted a partner, even if you felt your image wouldn't allow that.'' +``But now\ldots{}'' -Another long silence followed before she spoke again. ``Had you asked me that prior to the merge, I do not think I would have been comfortable answering, but in the context of the memories I now share of Debarre, I think that has changed into a solid `I do not know'. I do not know if I wanted a partner, because it was more important for me to stay true to my goals than it was for me to think about love, on some subconscious level.'' +``Yes, `but now'. But now I am stuck in an impossible limbo built by Jonas. My entire existence these last two hundred years has been defined by a belief that I thought Jonas and I shared, and in a few minutes, he tore it to the ground, burnt the pieces to ash, and then ground the ash beneath his heel.'' She laughed and shook her head. ``So melodramatic, is it not? But that is how it feels to have one's belief turned hollow and stale.'' -Ey finished eir coffee and toyed with the empty mug, rotating it first this way and then that on the table while ey thought. Eventually, the two skunks fell into quiet, polite conversation, talking about something ey was too distracted to think about. +``Do you overflow?'' -They both agreed to more coffee, so ey tasked emself with making another pot, hoping that breaking out of the context would give em more room to think. +The skunk had lifted the lid of the pot of rice to stir. If it was anything at all how May cooked it, it was a stiff rice porridge made with chicken stock, cheese stirred in at the last minute—`poor skunk's risotto', she called it. She seemed keen to use her time cooking to think, so ey waited in silence. -That True Name felt such a strong need to maintain her image was more than a little alien to em. However, when it came to her not knowing whether or not she wanted a partner, ey felt an almost unnerving level of concordance with eir own life prior to first meeting the Odists, and perhaps even prior to meeting May, years later. Ey did not have an image to maintain or goals to reach for, simply a lack of social awareness that kept em from remembering that having a partner was even a thing that ey could do. Ey and True Name always seemed to have something that kept them from thinking about love until something—May for em and this merge (or perhaps even this conversation) for True Name—suddenly forced the issue. +``I do. More frequently and in much shorter bursts,'' she said, finally. ``Every few days, I will walk sims and I will get lost. Well and truly lost. Dear loses control of its tightly directed energy, May Then My Name loses control of that wellspring of love within her, and I lose control of my sense of control.'' -Ey didn't know what part of em was in charge of making such predictions, but the thought that May, with all her love, might try to merge down with True Name forced itself into eir mind and wedged itself firmly in place. They'd talked about how each of the three skunks were good people some nights back, but in the face of the last two days, ey couldn't think of why, what reason eir partner might even have to do so. A lingering need to force her to experience her own resentment? Or to feel that love? A desire to help her become a better person, whatever that meant? A fit of pique? +``Really? Every few days? Is that because you're stretched so thin with all your forks?'' -Or, no, that wasn't it. It all fell back to the same problem that had been at the forefront of eir mind for months now: that need to fix things. Ey worried that May might merge down with True Name to make her feel better not necessarily because that's something she might want to do, but because, in the wake of the most recent merge, it's all ey emself could think to do in order to fix this friction. +She shook her head and, deeming the rice to be done, slid it off the heat. ``I started walking in 2124, my dear. A few years before May Then My Name was forked, back when it cost too much to be so cavalier with forking. It is not so dramatic as your partner's.'' -So silly. It made no sense, and yet this sudden image of True Name as the type of person who might have a relationship, who now had decades of memories of dating Debarre in the form of End Waking, seemed to have set off a runaway train of thought. +Ey nodded. ``Were you overflowing earlier today?'' -``Ioan?'' +She chopped the chicken breasts she'd sauteed into strips, focusing on the task, then on plating up the food, before responding. ``Perhaps, Ioan. Perhaps.'' -Ey started out of eir rumination. ``Mm? Sorry. Was I mumbling?'' +They ate in silence, then. It was interesting picking apart the way the two skunks' recipes had diverged over the years. True Name's was spicier, May's more savory and with more vegetables. -May grinned. ``A little, but also you have been standing there for quite a while and you promised us coffee.'' +They made it most of the way through the meal before they were alerted to May's arrival by the sim's sensorium ping. -``Oh! Shit, I'm sorry.'' Ey laughed as best ey could to banish any look of the panic ey felt from eir face. Ey brought the pot of coffee over to the table along with the cream and sugar for May and True Name so that they could top up their mugs accordingly. +Ioan set down eir fork and slid out of eir chair to greet her as she stepped out of the entryway. Ey was pleased to see her face washed of tears and expression washed of distress. She looked tired, to be sure, but no longer ready to murder someone. -Ey drifted in and out of the present moment after that, surfacing now and then to do a bit of work or, at one point, to run another sweep of the house at the behest of True Name in case they'd brought any hitchhikers with them. They hadn't, but it was probably a good idea all the same. +``I brought gifts, my dear. I do not know if--'' She paused as she caught sight of True Name. -The relatively pleasant morning fell again into a vague sense of tension within the house. Ey was sure that ey was the cause of at least a part of it, what with the way May kept checking in on em. +The other skunk had also stood and was bowing deeply to her up-tree instance. ``May Then My Name, I apolog--\emph{hrk!}'' -The rest seemed to fall back to True Name, though, who, after coffee, had sagged in her chair and mentioned that she'd been holding some demanding memories at bay. ``I need to deal with these or I am sure I will unravel like Michelle,'' she had mumbled on the way to her room, leading May to put down her work and curl up on the beanbag. +May pressed the waxed cotton-wrapped parcel into Ioan's hands and bounded over to True Name, shoving her out of her bow in order to get her arms around her for an awkward hug. ``That is for what happened,'' she said, then socked her solidly on the shoulder. ``And that is for how you told me.'' -Ey joined her, despite all of the distractions whirling around in eir head. Ey couldn't sort any of them out now, but the least ey could do was comfort eir partner. +True Name stumbled back from the greeting, blinking rapidly and rubbing at her arm. She looked as baffled as ey felt. Watching May interact with True Name these last few days had been something of a roller coaster, whether it was the abject fury ey saw within her whenever the topic of her cocladist's goals—or perhaps calling—came up or the strange protectiveness that had led her to offer their home to her. Those were stressful enough; this was overwhelming. -\emph{All that crying these last few days, I wouldn't be surprised if she overflows soon,} ey thought while petting over her ears, a pang in eir chest. \emph{And who knows how that'll work with True Name.} +Ey shuffled back to the table, slid the packet onto it, and fell heavily into eir chair. ``What just happened?'' -A simple dinner of pasta, more polite conversation, and then they broke off to their own spaces again, True Name requesting the location tag for Arrowhead Lake so that she could go for a walk ``somewhere with fewer right-angles''. +May laughed and dotted her nose against eir cheek before settling down into her usual seat. ``I am sorry that that was weird, and I am sorry that I ran away earlier. I was able to get a lot off my chest, and I feel much better for it. Oh, you did eat! That is okay, I did too, but I think these may make good dessert.'' -It wasn't until they were getting ready for bed that ey pulled eir thoughts together into a coherent enough form to ask May the question that had been nagging at em all day. +May's nearly manic tone and the tension in her cheeks showed something deeper going on beneath the surface, but given her chatter and the still-shocked look on True Name's face, this didn't seem to be the time to ask. -``Do you think you'll merge down, May?'' +``May Then My Name, I know that I--'' -The skunk paused in the middle of tugging off her shirt, leaving just her snout-tip and midriff exposed. ``Let me think on that for a moment, please.'' +``If you talk about earlier, I will hire Guōweī myself,'' May interrupted sweetly. ``I promise that there will be time to talk about it soon, but for now, I need something else, alright?'' -They both finished undressing and climbed into bed, em settling back against the pillows and her with her head on eir chest. +``Of course,'' True Name said, frowning. ``In that case, what is in the package?'' -``Okay. Now, why do you ask, my dear?'' +``End Waking made these corn\ldots pancake\ldots things. Fritter cakes? Something like that. They were savory, but they might go well with honey as a sort of dessert. There are only two, but we can split them.'' -Ey hesitated. The origin of the train of thought felt impertinent, incomplete, perhaps solely on em. ``I'm not actually sure,'' ey said, fumbling for words. ``Maybe a little because you had a hand in End Waking merging down, but I think mostly the talk this morning about Debarre and, uh\ldots Zacharias, was it?'' +Ioan and True Name exchanged a glance, then watched as May unwrapped the griddle cakes and swiped a pot of honey into being beside them. She broke off a piece, drizzled honey on it, and ate it. -She nodded. +``Well?'' ey asked. -``I think that made me think of it because until this point, it's all been happening at one layer of remove for me. She's my friend and I like her as such, but she's not my cocladist or family. I'm not in a relationship with her. None of this has been happening with her as someone I'm super close to.'' +``It is fine. I do not know that it is a dessert. Have you ever had chicken and waffles, my dear?'' -``But if I merge down, she will remember having been in a relationship with you. You will be more directly involved.'' +Ey shook eir head, reaching for a piece of the (slightly soggy) cake and the pot of honey. -``Yeah.'' +``It is not that, but it reminds me of it. Savory and meaty but also sweet and bready.'' -They lay in silence for a bit. Ey didn't know what May was thinking about, but ey kept cycling over just how much ey and eir partner had shared over the last few months alone, all those little bits of affection and physicality when True Name had expressed on more than one occasion that such simply wasn't for her, all the private conversations they'd shared with the understanding that they'd remain such, all the little nothing moments that go into being in love. +Ey frowned as ey chewed on the morsel. Ey could see it being truly delicious if it had not been cooked in venison grease specifically. The gaminess made it a strange mix. -``I will admit that I had been considering it,'' she said, then lifted her snout to dot her nose on the underside of eir chin. ``But after the last few days and coming to terms with what that would actually mean for her, I am feeling much more cautious about the prospect.'' +``Good, but not great,'' was True Name's assessment, to which May nodded vigorously. -``Okay,'' ey said carefully, not wanting to jostle her snout too much. ``Can we make sure to talk about it more if you do decide to?'' +They finished the griddle cakes all the same, keeping up the banal chatter. It felt good, ey realized, to talk about nothing. Day after day of serious talks had worn on em more than ey realized, and ey made a silent note to thank May later for forcing them into something more pleasant. The greeting she'd given True Name was weird, but it definitely broke the suspense that had dogged them all week. -``Of course, my dear. You and I never shut up.'' +After dinner, ey cleaned up the dishes by hand while True Name went back to her room and May settled onto her beanbag, getting a thoughtful look on her face that usually meant she was working mentally. -``Mmhm, best that way,'' ey murmured, then added more seriously, ``I mean the three of us, though.'' +Once ey was finished, ey settled down beside the skunk, letting her squirm in next to em and get an arm around eir middle. Ey blinked a cone of silence into being over them. ``It's good to have you back,'' ey said, hugging around her shoulders. ``What was that all about?'' -``We will, Ioan. It would be unfair to all of us not to.'' May lowered her snout again and tightened her grip around eir middle. ``Do you want me not to? You are allowed to say yes.'' +She snagged eir free hand and put it atop her head. A clearer demand for pets there was not. ``Mm? You mean me being a chipper ditz?'' -Ey sighed and placed a kiss atop her head. ``I don't know. I need way more time to think on it.'' +Ey laughed, stroking over her ears. ``Well, I was going to ask about the hug, mostly. My guess about you being chipper was to get us to finally talk about something light rather than yet more intense or depressing stuff.'' -She nodded. ``I will give you all the time in the world.'' +``You are right on that one, yes,'' she mumbled. ``We doubtless have more heavy shit to talk about, but I spent hours crying today, and if we did not break out of that cycle, I would have spent yet more in tears.'' -``Thanks, May.'' +``I won't bring it up, then.'' -They settled in for sleep, letting the topic drop and trusting that there would be time enough to discuss it, focusing instead on closeness and comfort. +``Good.'' She poked em in the belly, then went back to her hug. ``Though as to the greeting, I meant it when I said I got a lot off of my chest. I spent a lot of time thinking and a lot of time talking to End Waking and Debarre, and I have some ideas for moving forward.'' -``Ioan?'' +``Oh?'' -``Mm?'' Ey'd nearly dozed off, and sleep was still tugging at em. - -``I love you. You know that, right?'' - -``'Course I do, \emph{sconcsul meu}. I love you too.'' - -That, at least, was a pleasant note to fall asleep to, one for pleasant dreams. +She shook her head beneath eir hand and tightened her grip around em. ``I do not want to discuss them now. I am tired and cried out and you are comfortable and good to me.'' diff --git a/mitzvot/content/020.tex b/mitzvot/content/020.tex index bb0209a..ae73ffd 100644 --- a/mitzvot/content/020.tex +++ b/mitzvot/content/020.tex @@ -1,178 +1,213 @@ \begin{center}\rule{0.5\linewidth}{0.5pt}\end{center} -\pagebreak -While True Name continued to integrate the merge more and more fully—or, as she put it, became more whatever her new self was meant to be—and she spent less time taken by long silences or the need to go lay down in the quiet for some lingering conflict, her mood nonetheless continued to decline. Those moments of easy conversation came further and further apart, and while the skunk remained as polite as could be, she also bowed out of nearly every topic other than the food, the weather, and only the most surface-level details of how she was feeling. \emph{I am not comfortable talking about that now} became her constant refrain. +The next few days passed in relative peace. There were no fights between the two skunks, and while, at least once a day, they set up a cone of silence to talk about whatever it was that True Name had discussed that first time, there were no more instances of May falling apart or True Name wearing herself out quite so badly. The discussions sounded serious, and never quite friendly, but ey was at least somewhat happy to see the two talking without quite so much ire between them. -Though neither Ioan nor May were necessarily happy for this change, it meant that they \emph{had} to stop talking about all these dire topics. It forced them to take a step back as well, and at least try to get some work done. Given all that had happened, no one was comfortable with them continuing to perform, least of all A Finger Pointing, so they were removed from the bill for the time being, with either their roles replaced or their shows canceled. +May wasn't the only one, either. At one point, Time Is A Finger Pointing At Itself and one of her up-tree instances, Where It Watches The Slow Hours Progress visited to talk with True Name. Both were far more earnest in their affection toward her, which she seemed to welcome with a sense of cautious relief. Ey supposed it made sense, given A Finger Pointing's habit of making friends with everyone she could. -And there was still work to be done. May still had her monologue, which she tried taking in a few different directions, some of which worked well and some less so. Ioan coached her in writing as best ey could, talking her down from fits of perfectionism that left her threatening to tear the whole thing up. +Ey'd only met Slow Hours once prior and, while she was just as friendly as her down-tree instance, she also seemed somewhat removed from the world as a whole, as though seeing just a little more than everyone around her. ``Clairvoyance,'' A Finger Pointing had whispered to em after that first introduction. ``She has the outline of the world.'' -For eir part, ey still had a few projects on eir plate, not least of which was the upcoming book project that had been requested by Jonas. Ey poked at this every now and then, outlining the events to date and throwing a few thousand words at it here and there. +They talked for nearly three hours that afternoon, breaking only to get more water part way through. When they were finished, True Name looked wrung out, though not unhappy. A Finger Pointing mostly looked confused and concerned while Slow Hours kept her faraway, nearly delphic smile. Both were patterned after the human Michelle rather than the skunk Sasha, lending an additional layer of uncanniness in their similarities to May and True Name, even across species. -Mostly, though, ey dealt in letters to and from the other members of eir clade. Vast, dramatic events were happening elsewhere—as they always seemed to when an Odist was involved—and ey couldn't simply put them away to deal with all that was going on at home. The break from dealing with the affairs of True Name and Jonas was a welcome one. +Curiouser and curiouser. Ey'd always pictured A Finger Pointing's stanza as one of the more liberal ones, and had early on noticed that the liberal Odists had largely distanced themselves from the more conservative ones. To have two of them specifically drop by to visit True Name was quite surprising. -The one conversation of note came on the fourth day after the merge, when the skunk asked, ``How did you two get together?'' +The most curious thing, though, had to be May. -Both Ioan and May had stared at her until she held up her paws. +It wasn't just that all the work she'd put into her feelings about her cocladist had seemingly paid off—other than a few tense moments, mostly silent, she was at worst distant and at best willing to hold conversations with True Name about a limited set of topics—but that even in those tensest moments, she seemed to at least want to do something. Whether it was out of an earnest desire to improve True Name's life or to simply get this situation over with seemed to vary depending on her mood. -``Other than the forces behind the scenes, I mean.'' +It was her discussions with End Waking that really knocked em off-kilter, though. Her visits to his forest sim came at least once a day, and it wasn't until the fourth that she was willing to share anything about their conversations. -``From my point of view,'' Ioan said, guessing at the meaning behind her question. ``it just kind of happened over the course of a few years. May was her usual affectionate self, and we just wound up building patterns around that that turned us from coworkers to friends to partners.'' +``Wait, what? End Waking wants to merge down? I can't even imagine that.'' -``There was no culmination? No decision?'' +``That is what we have been talking about, yes. I shared\ldots I mean, I told him what she told me, and it has changed things.'' -``Not really. I just realized one day that we were probably together and asked if we were.'' +``Are you sure that's even a good idea?'' ey asked. ``I mean, won't that just make her feel worse if she also has to deal with all of that regret?'' -``It was the day ey interviewed you for the first time,'' May said, trying to hide a smile. ``I told em it was the dumbest fucking question of the entire project. We agreed we had probably been in a relationship for months before that.'' +May fiddled with the corner of the top sheet. They'd sat up in bed, the topic not feeling quite right for pillow-talk. ``Possibly, yes. I do not think that it would be permanently detrimental. If she has a fuller view of the world, perhaps she will be better able to engage with it with empathy.'' -True Name nodded, expression more thoughtful than amused. ``Is that how you move in the world, May Then My Name?'' +Ey held eir gaze steady, frowning. ``I don't think you're giving her enough credit on the empathy front.'' -The skunk hesitated, gaze drifting away from her cocladist. ``Ask another question, my dear,'' she said eventually. +She clutched the sheet tightly in her fists, visibly counting to ten, then sighed. ``Yes. You are right, Ioan. I am primed to see less in her than you, I think. -``Of course.'' True Name gave a hint of a bow. ``You changed in order to accommodate being in a relationship, Ioan. How?'' +``I know, May, I'm sorry,'' ey said, shaking eir head. ``I know it's complicated.'' -``Are you asking what about me changed, or what I did to change?'' ey asked, frowning. ``Because I don't think I had any conscious control over it.'' +She smiled gratefully. ``Thank you, my dear. Let me rephrase and say that having that additional perspective will give her new tools to engage with the world.'' -``What you changed, yes. May Then My Name could answer the other question, perhaps uniquely so among all those who we know.'' +``Right, that I can see. Given what all has been going on, I'm pretty sure I agree, too, so long as it's consensual between the two of them. I just worry that now's not a good time for it. If she's distracted processing all that when she's supposed to be thinking about what to do about Jonas, won't that put her at a disadvantage?'' -The skunk only shrugged. +``I suppose,'' she mumbled, then smiled lopsidedly to em. ``But we have time, yes? Jonas said within the year, and I imagine\linebreak~it will take us at least a month to convince End Waking to join as requested.'' -``Well, I think the events with Qoheleth got me thinking about existence here on the System. My own, sure, but in general. Prior to that, I think I lived my life solely as an observer of others. I'd watch people and write what they did and turn it into a story, and I was just kind of\ldots I don't know. Transparent?'' Ey shrugged. ``I was just a pair of glasses to be used by others. I relied heavily on memory to do my job, though, and it wasn't until that was specifically called out and brought into question that I started thinking of myself as more than an observer, which then got me thinking about how I interact with those around me. That's where Codrin came from, I think.'' +Ey sighed. ``I don't know if that's necessarily reason to do it so soon, though. You're right that we should take our time with the meeting and plan as best we can. I just worry about her going in there already a mess because of a ton of conflicts when she needs to be in the best shape she can be.'' -May chimed in. ``Ey was the version of you who learned that most strongly, perhaps. You were left with the memories of it to work with, but without the context of the experience.'' +``You are right, as always,'' she grumbled, slumping forward to use eir thigh as a pillow. ``Thank you for keeping me grounded.'' -``Right. It was nice watching em grow closer to others and open up to a relationship.'' +Ey stroked over the skunk's head, toying with one of her ears until she batted at eir hand. ``I know I say it a lot, but you're a good person, May. So is End Waking. I think True Name having more of that will only help.'' -``\,`Nice'?'' +``Do you think she is a good person?'' -Ey shrugged. ``I don't know how else to put it. I felt compersion for them, like the opposite of jealousy. I was happy for them, and it felt good to know that those things were possible.'' +``Mmhm.'' -True Name nodded. ``That is the word I would use to describe my feelings towards May Then My Name, if it is not too forward of me to say.'' +``You answer so quickly. Is it that uncomplicated for you?'' -May smiled and reached out across the dining table to pat at True Name's paw. +Ey thought for a moment, still combing fingers through the longer fur on top of the skunk's head. ``I suppose. I'm not sure why, though. She's complicated, and I disagree with her reasoning for a lot of what she's done, but I don't think that makes her a bad person.'' -``It is what I feel for End Waking and Debarre, too, though in a far more round-about way. I have memories of the ways in which End Waking changed in order to let Debarre into his life, but I cannot place them in context. I do not have what is required to understand them; I may watch them, I may understand one at a time, but integration of all of them eludes me. Those experiences which are left to integrate are the ones clashing the most.'' She gave a frustrated sigh and shook her head. ``I can remember what it feels like to fall in love but not what to do then. I can remember what it feels like to be in love but not how I got there.'' +May nodded. -Ioan and May glanced at each other briefly, but both nodded. +They stayed quiet until they worked their way under the covers again, cozying up for sleep, when May murmured, ``I have to believe that she is a good person, or at least capable of being one. For my sake, I have to at least try to believe that.'' -``It has not been a priority for you,'' May said. ``If it has not been important, if it has felt like a distraction, then there is no\pagebreak\ reason to simply know how to do all of that. I do wish you the best, though.'' +Ey kissed the backs of her ears and shushed her to sleep. -``Didn't you say you'd felt love for Zacharias, though?'' +What kept coming back again and again was the feeling of just how small this project felt—if ey'd been assigned to it as amanuensis, might as well call it what it was. There were so few people involved. True Name and Jonas, then em, May, and End Waking on the periphery. Five people, three clades. It was intimate, in that sense. True Name and Jonas were larger-than-life\pagebreak~most of the time, but having been forced into sharing space with her, ey was far more able to see the True Name of today as just someone caught up in a storm and Jonas as the force behind that storm. -True Name shrugged noncommittally. ``I am not comfortable talking about that now.'' +And then there was emself, as powerless as Codrin\#Castor had felt almost four years back. -Ey tried to keep eir expression from falling, but apparently did not succeed. +The next morning saw both of the skunks more relaxed than ey'd seen them yet. They talked pleasantly over breakfast, and True Name even stuck around, sitting on the couch and watching the snow melt off the balcony while May and Ioan worked, her on her monologue and em reading back through the volume of \emph{An Expanded History of Our World} that focused on the Council of Eight—and the Ode and Jonas clades—in the centuries after its dissolution. -``I am sorry, Ioan. Not everything is for sharing, not right now.'' +After lunch, True Name returned to the couch with a glass of water and, after a moment's hesitation, May joined her. -``It's just the amanuensis in me.'' Ey tried to laugh it away. ``Why'd you ask about this, anyway?'' +``Why are you spending today out here?'' she asked, finally voicing a question ey'd kept to emself until now. -She smirked. ``You mean beyond the fact that I just told you I am having trouble integrating the memories?'' +``Honest answer or pithy one?'' -``Yeah, actually. Why those memories? I would have thought his fixation on penance would have caused more clashes.'' +``Both.'' -``It is,'' she replied slowly. ``But these are more comforting to work with. They had their fights, as I am sure all couples do, but even those are full of love. I do not--'' She sniffled, shook her head firmly, then stood and bowed. ``I need to go for a walk. Thank you both.'' +True Name laughed. ``The pithy one is that I am bored and lonely, and this seems to be my best bet at solving either. The honest answer is that I am bored and lonely and, even if the circumstances are not ideal, I want to at least try not to mope in my room all day as I am sorely tempted to.'' -And without another word, she stepped from the sim. +``You've said you spend most of your time working interacting with your instances, yeah,'' Ioan said, turning eir desk chair to face the couch. ``I imagine it's been pretty quiet.'' -May groaned and crossed her arms on the table, resting her head on them. ``I do not know what to think about her. I do not know what to think about any of this.'' +``Yes. My instances, some up-tree cocladists, instances of Jonas, those of my\ldots friends.'' The last word sounded almost bashful for reasons ey couldn't place. She shrugged and continued, ``And now I am without all of those. No instances, none of my up-tree cocladists are responding, I do not wish to speak with Jonas for obvious reasons, and the relationships I have with my friends are largely bound up in that.'' -Ey slouched in eir chair for a moment before reaching out to pet over her ears a few times. ``Me either. I don't know where that conversation came from, and\ldots well, it went alright, but I have no idea what she was asking about, so I kept feeling like I was about to fall in some conversational pit.'' +May nodded. ``I do not know if we are the ideal company for you, given our interests, but at least we can try, I suppose.'' -She lifted her snout enough to bump her nose against eir wrist, then nodded. ``It is things like this—the conversation and the thoughts that come with it—that keep me hesitant about any decision to merge down. I do not know if it would help her or kill her.'' +``For which I am endlessly appreciative,'' True Name confirmed. ``Though I do still miss routine. Good company and productive company do not necessarily overlap.'' -``No killing skunks,'' ey mumbled, then stood and stretched. ``Bit miffed she's out at the lake, since now I feel like walking, too.'' +``\,`\emph{Productive} company'?'' -``If you were at all a normal person, we could enjoy perpetual springtime in the yard.'' +``You are very nice to be around. Both of you. It is productive for my mental health, perhaps, and nice to be able to rest, but it is not what I \emph{do}, May Then My Name. This is not who I am. I am not one to crash at her friends' place, however pleasant they may be.'' -Ey looked outside, at the scant inch of snow left after the last storm. ``It's not that bad.'' +Ioan could feel an argument brewing. What True Name was saying very likely was true: this wasn't who she was as a person, and now she had been knocked into some new setting. Ey suspected May knew that, even. Ey could see the skunk working on keeping an open expression, despite her cocladist's indelicate wording. Still, there was a thin line to be crossed, and they were edging closer. -``It is in all ways bad. It is cold.'' +``Well, it's better than being assassinated, right?'' ey said, trying to lighten the mood. -``Mmhm, still cold. Still, it might be worth making a coffee and bringing it out there to keep the hands warm, if only so I can pace.'' +May grinned. True Name did not. -``Go, my dear. Go and pace. I will teach myself how to do a handstand or something equally silly. Anything other than dwelling on more of this.'' +``Sorry, probably still a bit too soon.'' -``No more monologue?'' +``Perhaps. I would rather be alive here than not alive at all, but it is not an ideal situation for any of us, I think, yes?'' -``I am so sick of looking at it that I think I might scream if I even catch a glance.'' +May averted her gaze, but nodded all the same. -Ey laughed and leaned down to kiss the side of the skunk's muzzle. ``Well, alright. Don't fall over onto the table or anything.'' +``My apologies, you two,'' True Name said with a hint of a bow. ``I am restless and anxious. I do not want to meet with Jonas. I do not want to stay in hiding. I do not want to go back to being overworked, but I am unhappy having no work. Call it an addiction, if you will, but I am nothing if I am not True Name.'' She bared her teeth in a bitter sneer and, as she continued, her words came faster, hotter, more frustrated. ``And why should I not be? I have worked hard to become myself. That I am what I am and unrepentant of that is perhaps a disappointment to many, but it means more to me to stick to what I believe to be true than to--'' -The rest of the afternoon passed easily enough. It was slow and boring, perhaps, but neither seemed to want any excitement. Ioan walked. May did not manage a handstand, but she did wind up laying half off the couch, head nearly to the floor, for half an hour. They made lunch. They read. +``True Name,'' May said, interrupting the other skunk's tirade. ``Wait.'' -But always, there was an air of waiting. They were waiting for True Name to return, yes, but ey felt like they were also waiting for the other shoe to drop. They were waiting for her to feel whole again. They were waiting for everything to fall into place (or at least close enough) so that they could do this meeting with Jonas and get it over with. +Wrong footed, True Name frowned. ``What? Why? I do not--'' -``Do you think she's just out there walking?'' ey asked at one point. +May held up her paw, a brief glance at the ceiling hinting at a sensorium message elsewhere. -May shrugged. ``If she is anything like True Name, yes. If she is anything like End Waking, then she is exploring. Climbing trees and walking along ravines.'' +Ioan frowned as well. Intuition told em the discussion they'd had earlier was quickly moving beyond hypothetical. ``May, are you sure--'' -``And if she's both?'' +True Name jolted upright in her seat on the couch. ``What the fuck is--'' -She sighed. ``If she is both, then I do not know. If she is both, perhaps she is finding some new way to let loose all of those emotions she could not speak before. +``Accept it,'' May said, and ey could see the full force of all her centuries of earnestness focused on her cocladist; earnestness, kindness, the right tone, the perfect cant of ears and bristle of whiskers, all of it fine tuned to show her just what she needed to see. ``It will only help, True Name.'' -True Name returned shortly before dinner. Both Ioan and May stood to greet her. She looked dirty and scuffed up, and while her expression wasn't grim, it certainly came close. There was frustration there, perhaps anger as well. +Her face contorting with the strain of holding what must be a very large high-priority merge from End Waking at bay without either remembering or forgetting it, True Name gasped. ``May\ldots{} May Then\ldots{} Why\ldots{}'' -\emph{Overflowing,} ey thought, then tamped it down. +May's expression softened further, picking up a hopeful smile. ``Please, my dear. I think you need this. I think we \emph{all} need this, if we are to move forward, if you are to be able to move past what Jonas wants of you. Please accept. Please.'' -She bowed to them from the entryway and said, ``Ioan, May Then My Name, thank you for hosting me and for all of your kindness.'' +True Name nodded shakily, attempted a dry swallow, and then let End Waking's centuries of memories crash into her. -Ey frowned. ``But\ldots?'' +The change was immediate and more dramatic than ey'd anticipated. Ey had been expecting a shell-shocked look and maybe a few minutes of silence, but instead True Name's expression melted into a glazed, ischemic stupor. The glass of water she'd been clutching but had yet to drink tumbled to the floor and, as all her muscles gave out at once, she began to slide off the couch. -``Yes. But I need out. I need to be elsewhere. I walked as far as I could into the hills from the lake and, while I found the boundary of the sim, it is far enough away that I do not think I will feel cramped.'' +``Shit. Shit! Ioan!'' May shouted. -``Wait, what? You're going to stay at Arrowhead Lake?'' +Ey was already on eir feet and halfway around the table, thankfully in time to catch the skunk before she slid down into the pool of water on the floor. Ey managed to get eir arms under hers enough to hoist her up into the couch again while May ducked around to lift her feet so that they could lay her out on her back. -``If you decide to keep my room here, I will come back, but I am going to lose my fucking mind if I simply stay in--'' She sighed, took a deep breath, recomposed herself. ``I am going to spend a few days out at the lake. I need\ldots away. I need away from walls. I need away from you two, nice as you are, away from all of your happiness and comfort. I need away from speaking, from dwelling on the last few weeks. I need solitude.'' +They both stared down at her. -May had shied away from her down-tree instance the instant her temper started to rise, clutching tightly at eir hand, but Ioan stood eir ground as best ey could. +``Fuck,'' May whispered. -``Well, alright. It's no trouble keeping your room, of course, and I guess there's tents already out there.'' +``What just happened?'' -She nodded, subsiding at the reasonable tone in eir voice. ``Yes. Thank you for understanding.'' +``One moment,'' she said, waving away the spilled water so that she could kneel by the couch. There was a moment's hesitation before she brushed some of the skunk's longer head fur away from her face. ``Can you close your eyes?'' -``Is there anything we can do to help?'' +When True Name didn't respond, didn't move, May gently brushed her paw down to close them for her. She leaned closer, whispering a few more questions ey could not hear, though there was still no response. -``Can you grant me ACLs to create supplies? There is nothing to hunt and I do not wish to set aside the necessity to eat.'' +After lingering a moment longer, she stood shakily, took Ioan's hand in her paw and led em to the balcony despite the cold. As soon as the door shut behind them, she burst into tears. -``Hunt?'' Ey frowned, then shook eir head. ``Right, sorry. End Waking always did. You should\ldots there. You should have them now.'' +Ey guided her carefully to the bench swing to sit her down, letting her cry herself out against eir shoulder. -She nodded. Much of her time out there must have been spent cataloguing what she'd need in order to survive, going off of memories that were now hers, as it took her less than ten seconds and a wave of the paw to create an axe, a knife, and two canvas bags ey assumed were full of reasonably stable food and other necessary tools. This was followed by her rapidly forking a few times over, shifting her outfit one article of clothing at a time. It struck a middle-ground between her ordinary conservative dress and End Waking's ranger garb, one with canvas leggings and a sturdy shirt, over which she wore a leather jerkin with what looked to be a detachable hood. It usually wasn't worth it to fork just to re-clothe oneself, but she seemed antsy to be away and on her own, not to mention that lingering air of frustration about her. +``I am sorry, my dear,'' she said when she could speak again at last. ``Really, truly sorry.'' -``Thank you both,'' she said, more quietly this time. ``Earnestly. It does mean a lot that you have both thought to help so much. I will be in touch.'' +Ey shook eir head, kissing her between the ears. ``You don't need to apologize to me. Is she alright?'' -With that, she bowed, lifted her bags and axe, then stepped from the sim once more. +``She should be,'' she mumbled. -``What the hell\ldots{}'' +``Alright. I'm more confused than anything. Was that your and End Waking's plan?'' -May took a solid minute to un-cringe from the whole experience, slowly relaxing her grip on eir hand. ``I think perhaps she--'' +She pressed closer to em. ``That was him merging back down, yes. We have been discussing it for days, now. I did not expect that, though,'' she said, and ey could hear that she was on the verge of crying once more. ``I never intended to hurt her.'' -``Is overflowing?'' +``Can you explain what happened, at least?'' -She nodded. +She nodded, swallowing down that wave of tears as best she could. ``We are good at forking and merging. Very, \emph{very} good at it. I am pretty sure you know that, though.'' -Ey sighed. ``That was my guess, too. I was going to say it came on pretty quick, but the last few days make a lot more sense with that as context.'' +``Did something go wrong, then?'' -May leaned forward and rested her forehead against eir upper arm. Her tail hung limp and her ears were splayed out to the sides. +``End Waking has not merged down in more than a century and a half. Even when she merged down when Michelle quit, all she had to do was let the memories fall onto her and then quit herself. He has diverged quite far in that time, as is to be expected, which means the potential for conflicts.'' -Ey extricated eir hand from her paws so that ey could turn and get eir arms around her, careful not to jostle too much. Ey leaned down to kiss between her ears, murmuring, ``How about you, May?'' +Eir frown deepened. Ey thought ey could tell where this was going. ``Aren't those usually just when memories don't line up, though?'' -``Mm?'' +May gave the barest hint of a shrug against em. ``You have met her, and you have met him. Their viewpoints are almost diametrically opposed, yes?'' -``You've seemed on the edge of overflowing for a few days now.'' +Ey nodded. -It took her a long time to respond. At last, she hugged her arms around eir middle and lifted her head to look at em. ``You will not be upset with me if I say yes?'' +``Viewpoints are built atop a collection of memories. That they can share so many memories and yet have such different outlooks on the world and their actions is a subtler, but trickier sort of merge conflict.'' She paused, took a deep breath, then continued slowly. ``I pressed her to accept because I knew that she would accept the merge as smoothly as she always does if there was external pressure. She merged blithely and took on 156 years of End Waking all at once. All of his memories. All of his penance. All of his loathing for what he did, what she was so proud of.'' -``What?'' Ey blinked, shaking eir head. ``Of course not. I apologize if it's seemed that way in the past.'' +``And it was too much?'' ey asked. -She rested her head against eir shoulder. ``No, but\ldots I do not know, my dear. Everything is so much more complicated this time. It is bad enough when you have one skunk in your life, but now you have two at the same time. Two and a half, perhaps.'' +Her face screwed up again as she nodded. ``I nuh-never wanted t-to hur-hurt her,'' she stammered as the tears started to flow once more. -``It's okay, May. It's complicated, but we've done it before, so we'll make it work this time.'' +Ey got eir arms around her again and held her close. A quick glance through the windows showed that True Name still lay on the couch, breathing shallowly. -She nodded. +``May, I want to ask you something,'' ey said, once she had calmed down. ``And\ldots well, I think it'll probably make you cry again, but I want to make sure we stay open about this. Is that okay?'' -``Can I stay for tonight?'' Ioan asked gently. ``I'll help get some meals prepped and some of my stuff in order. It'll give me a chance to contact Douglas, too.'' +She whined quietly, but nodded all the same. -``Of course, my dear. I am not\ldots there yet, but I am close.'' +Ey took a deep breath, keeping eir voice as gentle as ey could. ``I'm not upset with you, but I need to know since this is just getting weirder and weirder. Are you sure you didn't want to hurt her?'' -``Well, come on, then. Let's get some food in you and we can take it easy for the night and finish in the morning.'' +There was a long silence before she replied. Ey watched her count her breaths, one of the exercises that had worked best to ground her. At least, she counted as best she could between sniffles. + +``I think,'' she started, then cleared her throat. ``I \emph{know} a part of me was acting out of vengeance.'' + +Ey nodded. ``We've talked about that, yeah.'' + +``Right. I think that part was hoping that it would be a rough merge to knock her down a peg, yes,'' she said, then let out a shaky sigh. She was starting to shiver from the cold. ``I did not think it would be this bad, though. I am really sorry, Ioan. I want to be a good person.'' + +Hugging her tightly to em, ey said, ``It's okay, May. We'll just have to see what comes of it.'' + +She nodded, fell back into breathing exercises. + +``And I believe you when you say you didn't want to hurt her. Both those--'' + +She elbowed em in the side. ``Yes, yes. Both can be true at once. You know we have the same therapist, right? She says the same things to me.'' + +Ey smiled, pleased to hear the humor in her voice. ``Sorry, May.'' + +She wormed her arms around em to give a tight squeeze. ``It is alright. You are just a nerd. Both of those things can be true, too.'' After a moment's hesitation, she asked more quietly, ``Can you see her? Is she okay?'' + +``She's rolled onto her side. Still breathing pretty quick.'' + +May nodded, wiping at her face, though it did little to help her disheveled look. ``Let us get back in and check on her, then. We may want to get her into bed. Being comfortable can make it easier.'' + +``True Name?'' ey murmured once ey'd crouched beside her. ``Can you make it to your room?'' + +Her eyes remained closed, flicking about beneath her eyelids. There was the tiniest shake of her head. + +Ey looked to May, who only watched anxiously, wringing her paws. + +Oh well, ey'd lifted eir partner on more than one occasion, ey supposed this wouldn't be too different. Ey slipped eir arms beneath the skunk, though she remained limp. Through a bit of shifting, ey was eventually able to get her leaned against eir chest, head on eir shoulder rather than lolling back, gaining enough leverage to be able to lift her. She was a little lighter, but when ey lifted May, she usually got her arms around eir shoulders, too. + +Ey was able to get her into bed easily enough, May holding the covers back while ey did so and then draping them back over her after. + +It was eir turn to stand awkwardly by while May sat beside True Name and brushed a paw over her head. ``I am sorry, my dear, I thought\ldots{}'' she started, then sighed. ``I will sit with you. I am sorry.'' + +Ioan backed slowly out of the room, sliding the door shut quietly behind em. May sounded on the verge of tears once more, but, of all the things ey was not supposed to fix, perhaps least able to fix, this certainly felt like the top of the list. diff --git a/mitzvot/content/021.tex b/mitzvot/content/021.tex index e999b0d..02f31c9 100644 --- a/mitzvot/content/021.tex +++ b/mitzvot/content/021.tex @@ -1,83 +1,10 @@ -\begin{center}\rule{0.5\linewidth}{0.5pt}\end{center} +\hypertarget{part-iii-apprehension}{% +\section{Part III --- Apprehension}\label{part-iii-apprehension}} -Ioan awoke, arms empty, asleep on eir front. Ey was not a front-sleeper, so this came with a stiff neck that ey knew would dog em throughout the rest of the day. +\begin{quote} +\emph{For memory ends at the teeth of death.} -At some point during the night, May had apparently slid as carefully as she could from eir arms, bundled herself up in a second set of covers, and curled up at the far edge of the mattress. A muffled sniffle showed her to be awake. +And so the dead may live on in restless eternity, never knowing peace or the oblivion they so richly deserve. There is no peace in eternal memory, no release in unending remembering. +\end{quote} -``You okay, May?'' ey asked, sitting up beside her. - -She shook her head. - -``Alright. Can I hug?'' - -A pause, and then another shake of the head. - -``That's okay,'' ey said, doing eir best to keep disappointment out of eir voice. ``I'll go get some stuff pulled together for while I'm out. Want a cup of coffee?'' - -She nodded before pulling the covers up and over her head. - -That was probably a good enough sign for em to get up. If the skunk was already to the point of being nonverbal, it wouldn't do either of them any good to try and keep talking, regardless of how much ey wanted to address her every need. - -Coffee was a good first priority, though, and easily sorted. It was something ey could start and finish with little thought and which had a tangible outcome, a little bit of success rather than some ill-defined end-state. - -While waiting, ey pinged Douglas to let him know what was going on and to request a spot to sleep. After a moment's hesitation, ey sent End Waking a quick message, as well. Ey received simple acknowledgements from both. - -Ey doctored the skunk's coffee to her liking and returned to the room to set it down on the bedside table closest to her, taking a cue from True Name and moving noisily enough that she'd know ey was there without being obnoxiously loud. - -A moment's thought was spent on shifting the weather in the sim to something warmer, more springlike. Ey'd heard enough kvetching about the snow the last few days to figure that might help as well. - -From there, ey spent half an hour queuing up some meals for her, working in a cone of silence. Things that she'd mentioned as comfort foods in the past, all things that ey could cook emself or create in-sim through something acquired on the exchange. Chicken soup, mashed potatoes, more poor-skunk's-risotto. - -While ey was prepping and stocking the food, another thought occurred to em. It was unlikely, but True Name might need to come back to the house, either to create more goods or to sleep or just to get out of the elements. To keep this from bothering May while she took the time she needed, ey shifted the ACLs of the house to be owner-only, so that those trying to enter would have to specifically request access, then stepped just inside the other bedroom's door and created a new entry-point for True Name so that she could go just to the bedroom without entering the rest of the house. - -True Name sent a curt ping of acknowledgement when ey sent the information over via sensorium message. - -Ey tried not to let it rankle. Everything felt so confined and restricted. So much of eir circle of friends was out in the world and so few of them came over with any frequency that to suddenly have even those ey was closest to—romantically in the case of May, and by friendship and sheer proximity in the case of True Name—requesting eir absence felt like ey was being cut off from everyone. - -``Which isn't true,'' ey mumbled to emself while packing up eir notes. ``Security's one thing, but it's not like everyone's inaccessible. Keeping everyone safe doesn't mean cutting off contact for yourself, Ioan.'' - -Ey looked down to eir small stack of notebooks and the three-pen case resting atop it and sighed. ``And talking to yourself doesn't count.'' - -With that, ey peeked in the bedroom one last time. May had sat up and was staring dully down into her mug of coffee, blanket worn like a hooded robe. Her cheek-fur was already streaked with tears. - -``I'm going to head out, May. Douglas's, as usual. Be safe, okay?'' - -\emph{Okay,} she signed. - -``Need anything else before I go?'' - -\emph{Hug.} - -Ey nodded and stepped further into the room, leaning in to get eir arms around the skunk. She didn't return the gesture, but did at least push her snout up under eir chin momentarily before leaning away. Given the tightness in her face, ey suspected an onslaught of emotion was only just being held at bay. - -``Love you, May. Lots and lots.'' - -She managed to sign an I-love-you before pulling the `hood' of blankets down enough to hide her face. - -Knowing she'd only resent em if ey lingered or touched her again, ey clutched eir notebooks to eir chest, waved, and quickly stepped out to the field of dandelions and grass. The light and heat were a shock, and ey stood, swaying, for a moment, simply squinting out to the horizon. - -Ey queued up a message to Douglas and murmured, ``I'm here, but going for a walk, first,'' before heading away from the house. - -There was nothing out there. No destination. No variance in the rolling hills of well-tended grass and the yellow suns of dandelions. The only break at all in the landscape was Douglas's house, and ey kept that at eir back. - -As ey walked, ey considered what it meant to overflow. Was it just an Odist thing? Certainly some aspects of it were. The way that Codrin described Dear's manic forking, each instance left with simply a shard of its personality, felt very Dear. May, End Waking, and True Name's overflowing all sounded uniquely them, as well, and A Finger Pointing mentioned that hers was different still, though had declined to expand on it. - -But here ey was, feeling like all of the stress of the last day, of the last few weeks had filled em up to overflowing. Presented with the sudden silence and stillness of the field, ey realized just how much ey'd been running on desperation and borrowed time. - -With the slightest break in the pressure, that loan was called due. - -Realizing that ey couldn't see the subtle rises in the land for the tears in eir eyes, ey simply sat down in the grass and cried. \emph{If I am overflowing,} some remote part of em thought, \emph{then I can certainly see the appeal to it. Catharsis indeed.} - -Though there was certainly nothing ey could have done to stop it, ey decided to just own it and let it take its course, hollering curses into the cone of silence ey had the presence of mind to set up, clutching at the grass to keep emself anchored to the ground. Ey'd watched a good friend (for that's what True Name was, wasn't she?) nearly get assassinated in front of em, had dealt with eir partner's lingering resentment towards her down-tree instance come into conflict with her constant presence, had watched May push True Name to near catatonia after encouraging her to accept a century and a half's worth of memories from End Waking. Ey had watched both overflow in the span of a few hours. - -And when ey stopped cycling over the last two weeks, ey simply wept for the sheer relief it provided. - -When ey'd cried emself out and cleaned emself up, ey levered emself up off the ground and trudged back toward the house. The least ey could do was say hi and get another cup of coffee. - -Douglas Hadje was sitting on the stoop of his house, waiting for em. - -``Hey, Douglas. Sorry about that.'' - -He stood and offered em a hug, which ey accepted gratefully. ``No worries, walks are good too. How's May?'' - -``She's\ldots well, she'll get by. I just hope it doesn't last too long. Thanks for letting me stay. Please tell me you put coffee on.'' +From \emph{Ode} by Sasha diff --git a/mitzvot/content/022.tex b/mitzvot/content/022.tex index 4aa24cf..bfd654d 100644 --- a/mitzvot/content/022.tex +++ b/mitzvot/content/022.tex @@ -1,139 +1,101 @@ -\hypertarget{debarre-2350}{% -\chapter{Debarre — 2350}\label{debarre-2350}} -\markboth{Debarre — 2350}{} +\hypertarget{ioan-bux103lan-2350}{% +\chapter{Ioan Bălan — 2350}\label{ioan-bux103lan-2350}} +\markboth{Ioan Bălan — 2350}{} -Neither Debarre nor End Waking had visited Michelle's field in decades, and certainly not since it had become Douglas's. End Waking had last seen it on the day that she had quit in 2306, and had had little desire to return since. There were no dandelions in the forest; he had specifically requested so from Serene. +It took about six hours for True Name to recover from the merge to where she could stand up and walk well enough to get a glass of water. Her expression remained glazed and she was unable to speak. It wasn't until the next morning that she was able to hold a conversation, though she remained quiet and largely confined to her room, refusing the offer of coffee. -It had been much longer for Debarre, going clear back into the 2200s, back when Michelle and Sasha were still alive and coherent enough to speak to without getting overwhelmed into silence every few minutes. The memories of her were painful enough as it was—that last visit with her in End Waking's forest especially—that he'd never had the courage to come back, and then never a reason, which came with its own ache. +May spent much of that time by her side. Ey wasn't sure what it was that the two did while in her room, if it was just May sitting by the skunk's side, if she was just being present, if the two were having their own quiet conversations, or sharing what affection she was comfortable sharing with a down-tree instance she had resented enough to shock so severely. -Given how much the clade that she'd left behind was struggling, though, it felt fitting to accept when Douglas invited him and End Waking over to talk with Ioan. +All three, ey suspected. Ey checked in on them a few times, knocking and listening for permission to enter. Each time, True Name remained curled in bed with May seated nearby, whether on a chair beside it or sitting up on the bed itself. Ey'd ask if they needed anything, they'd both decline, and then ey'd go back to pacing holes in the rug or the yard or around Arrowhead Lake. -``Ey's in a funk, and from what ey says, I think you two are the only others that know why,'' he had said, paused, then added, ``Except maybe those I don't think any of us want to see.'' +The rest of the time, May was out with em, almost always as close as she could be, whether that was tucked in against eir side on the beanbag, hugging around eir middle from behind while ey cooked, or, at one point, requesting that ey sit on the floor outside the bathroom while she showered, just so that she could talk and, in her words, feel eir presence. -Both of them stood still after arriving, just bathing in—or struggling against—the waves of memory that came with the sudden onslaught of warmth and sun and the baked goods scent of dandelions thick in the air. +The mood throughout remained somewhere between anxious and remorseful. -Ioan greeted them at the door. Ey seemed happy enough, if tired. Still smiling and bowing to them as ey usually did. They finished their greetings and settled on the grass in front of the house along with Douglas, End Waking having refused to go inside. After, though, ey had stared down into eir glass of lemonade and spoke little. +That evening, True Name requested that they eat dinner out at the lake rather than at home, saying, ``I am feeling too cooped up by walls and yet more walls.'' -Finally, Debarre nudged em gently with an elbow. ``Alright, Ioan, you're gonna need to spill it at some point, here. What's going on? All we were told is that you were feeling rough about the last few days.'' +Ey supposed it made sense, now that she had the competing memories of End Waking and however many personality traits that came with. He had only visited Ioan and May a scant handful of times, and then always out in the yard, refusing to go indoors. -Ey sighed and plucked a dandelion. ``Right, sorry, you two. Or three, I guess. I know I've been a bit of a mope of late. You alright to talk about True Name?'' +So, they packed up a simple dinner of sausages, zucchini, and potatoes to cook and stepped out to the lake. -``Ioan, I appreciate you asking, but please do not worry about us,'' End Waking chided. ``If we have come to help \emph{you}, you need not spare our feelings. We can pretty well guess who would be at the center of this.'' +The tents were still set up and the second bundle of firewood remained untouched, leaning against one of them, so Ioan and May watched as True Name tiredly built and lit the fire. She left them sitting on one of the logs before it, watching the flames go from fast and loud to something quieter and hotter, while she disappeared up the hill into the forest. She returned some time later with a bundle of arm-length sticks, all nearly as straight as dowels, which she built into a spit on which they could roast the sausages while the potatoes baked near the coals of the fire. It was all done with a practiced ease borne from decades of memory. -``I'm pretty sure it's me, actually,'' ey said with a wry smile. ``I've been stuck between May and True Name for days now, or years if you count the time since the convergence and I started trying to smooth things out with the coffee dates. +The food was pleasantly smokey and well cooked, though otherwise unseasoned. True Name remarked on this part way through the meal, saying, ``If you call the food bland again, May Then My Name, I will call you lame again.'' -``I've just been struggling with it all. It's been too much from the moment everything with True Name happened. The last few days were the worst, though. True Name didn't really handle the merge all that well. She collapsed and was nearly unresponsive for several hours, and since then, she's been struggling to integrate various chunks of memories.'' +The humor felt out of place, and certainly went over Ioan's head, but at least it got May smiling again, something she'd not done in more than a day. -``My feelings towards her work? That I built my identity around not being her?'' +``I am pleased that you made it through, my dear,'' May said. ``I will not apologize again, I have done so enough already, but I am pleased all the same.'' -``That and your relationship with Debarre.'' +``I have grown weary of being apologized to, yes,'' she replied. ``And my feelings on the events remain complicated, but I thank you for thinking of me.'' -The weasel and skunk both looked at each other, ears splayed. +``I'm glad, too,'' Ioan added, unwilling to let the dinner once more fall into silence. ``How are you feeling otherwise?'' -``I'd thought of that, but, uh\ldots{}'' Debarre cleared his throat. ``Well, actually hearing it put like that casts it in a bit of a different light.'' +She shrugged. ``Uncomfortable. Fractured. I have spoken to End Waking only a few times since he requested revocation of his access to our secure materials. I knew that he was upset, but not just how, and not to what extent.'' She sighed, then added, ``And now I am left with that.'' -``I hope that she does not mind the memories of sex to go along with the resentment,'' End Waking said, then laughed when Debarre poked him in the side. ``We are all adults here, my dear.'' +``Thus `fractured'?'' -``I'm the baby, I think,'' Douglas said. ``I'm seventy-two.'' +``Yes. I must admit that much of my time while down and out was spent struggling to maintain a sense of myself as True Name. Had I simply accepted everything at face value and incautiously, I think I would have gone mad. As it is, I feel perilously close.'' -``So young.'' The skunk grinned. ``Debarre and I both have two centuries on you. Still, I am pretty sure that we can acknowledge the existence of sex, is what I mean.'' +May sniffled and looked off toward the lake in the deepening evening. -``And it doesn't exactly sound like she's a stranger to that herself, anyway.'' +``I understand what you were trying to do, May Then My Name. I understand why you planned that, how you managed to talk us both into it, and what you hoped to get out of it, but \emph{you} must understand that what you did was set two existences within me. One was set on goals that I believed in—\emph{still} believe in—while the other regrets everything that made me me.'' The skunk's voice sounded far more tired than angry, enough to keep May from winding up in tears again, though she did set her food aside. ``I do not think that End Waking believed in anything. His life was spent un-believing that which he was, which we were.'' -End Waking blinked, taken aback. ``She actually told you about Zacharias?'' +``What does that leave you, now?'' -``Who?'' Douglas asked. +``I do not know yet, Ioan. It makes me too full of being, of time, to be just one thing. It will likely take me several days to settle into\ldots something. To settle into myself, whatever that now means.'' -``An\ldots erstwhile lover, as she put it,'' Ioan said carefully. ``I probably shouldn't go too much into that, though.'' +They fell into silence again while Ioan and True Name finished their food and May looked down at her paws or into the fire. -``Agreed,'' Debarre said. ``But as you were saying, she was having trouble?'' +``Thank you for joining me out here. I am both glad to be outdoors and intensely uncomfortable sitting on a fucking log,'' she said, smiling tiredly. ``I do not think that I will stay out here. The greater part of me demands a comfortable bed.'' -``Yeah. I wasn't expecting her to get completely taken out, but May did kind of force it on her all in one go. She lasted a few days, but I think she was pushing herself pretty hard to appear strong. She crashed really hard yesterday and, despite a pretty pleasant morning, had to step out to Arrowhead Lake, and when she came back, she looked like she was about ready to start yelling at us. May was also trying to stick around as long as she could, I think, since she crashed almost immediately. We made it through the night, but she couldn't even speak this morning.'' +``Those fucking cots are awful,'' May grumbled, sounding forced in her humor. ``Like a hammock, but far worse.'' -``That's a shitload to have to deal with, yeah.'' +``I do not think that even End Waking enjoys them, so it is easy enough for the True Name part of me to win out on that subject.'' -Ey nodded. ``Friend almost gets assassinated, almost goes crazy from a merge, and disappears. Partner freaks out after a conversation, then freaks out when the merge goes sideways and mentions she was thinking of merging down, herself, then requests that I disappear. It's just\ldots a lot.'' +``What did he-- what do you remember enjoying?'' Ioan asked. ``I want to hear the good things you have, now, too. I feel like we're all tiptoeing around all the bad memories and conflicting feelings. Tell me something good.'' -``Wait, \emph{May} wanted to merge down?'' Douglas said. ``Wasn't expecting that.'' +True Name raised her eyebrows, then let her gaze drift up to the brightening stars. ``I remember teaching myself to hunt, promising myself that I would start small with snares and then work up from there, thinking that I would not let myself eat until I could eat food that I had caught myself. I remember getting so hungry and weak by the third day that I pinged Serene to see if she could help. She laughed and ruffled my fur and called me a dumbass, saying that she had not included fauna because I had not requested it, so of course I did not catch anything. She brought me a hamburger and I ate it so fast I got sick.'' -``Well, I don't know quite how much `wanted' fits, but I asked if she was thinking about it and she said yes. I couldn't quite piece together why, though. After End Waking merged down, she mentioned that there was at least a part of her that was feeling vengeful, so I think I was worried that maybe she was considering piling on her own vengeance, or that maybe she would be trying to help make her a better person.'' Ey shrugged and added, ``Or both. She did seem to have True Name's best interests at heart when she forced the merge. At least mostly.'' +Ioan and May laughed. -End Waking nodded. ``She did mention being torn, yes. She wanted to kick her out but also wanted to help her get away from Jonas.'' +``I remember each time I decided to cave and bring into the sim something new. I remember deciding that I needed a more efficient way to heat my tent than just relying on my fur and camp blankets, and then creating the stove. I remember getting so sick of just meat and what few vegetables I could grow at the time and deciding that I would need something like bread or tack for the calories. I remember learning about how hard it was to actually carve a bow and work with metal to create knives and axes, and I remember how it felt to bring each one into existence, a little bit of failure to accomplish a little bit of triumph. -``She's certainly softening on her.'' +``I remember the eighth or ninth winter out there, when the cold started to feel less terrifying because I knew what to do. I remember waking up one morning fucking freezing, building the fire back up, and shivering in front of it, then laughing for the sheer joy of it. The joy of bundling up, the joy of the air burning inside my nostrils, the joy of discomfort.'' -``And how're you taking it?'' Debarre asked. Something about Ioan—eir posture, eir face, something—made it seem like this was the question ey was dreading the most. +Ioan listened, entranced. The cadence of her speech had changed. It still had that well-spoken and dramatic air to it, still held the lack of contractions and all the small doublings-back and anaphora that seemed to come with being an Odist, but it was also more austere than it had been. Less purely functional and more cerebral, perhaps. -There was a long silence before ey answered. ``It's really getting to me. I don't even know why, either. I think it honestly would help True Name in the end if it were just May merging down, but having that be the case with her memories of us together feels like\ldots well, it kind of makes me jealous. Those are our memories that we made together. Our fights and good times, our affection--'' +``I remember the first time I went a year without seeing anyone, then the first time I went two. That was terrifying. I was sure that I was losing my grip on reality. I decided to make sure that I talked to someone at least once every few months after that to keep myself grounded. I remember when the Artemisians arrived and you two brought your play over, and being utterly delighted at all of the subtle ways you found to insult each other.'' -``Probably most of the memories, there,'' Debarre stage-whispered, getting a smirk out of Ioan. +May grinned and elbowed em in the side. ``That one was Ioan's fault.'' -``Yeah. Our affection and our sex, too, for that matter. Suddenly, True Name would have all that. I think it also started grating on me because of how\ldots real End Waking's was. It wouldn't just be a library for her perusal, but she will have actually lived them. She will have actually--'' Ey frowned, as though digging for the words. +True Name smiled and nodded. ``You should be pleased with it, my dear. Oh, and I remember tasting whiskey for the first time in years and being surprised at how much it burned. A Finger Pointing's offer to bring a case over was quite tempting. It reminded me that I love the surprise that comes with forgetting things, or at least as close as we can get. The taste of liquor had fallen way back in my mind, and the feeling of the burn of whiskey sent it rocketing right back up to the top.'' -``She'll have actually loved you, maybe?'' Debarre guessed. +``That doesn't sound so bad,'' Ioan said, smiling. -Eir face fell and ey sighed. ``Yeah. That. Putting it that way makes it feel terrible, but it's exactly that.'' +``It is not all unpleasant, not by a long shot. As much as I worked to keep my sense of self while integrating, I was also struck by wonder, and for that, I am grateful.'' -``I was pulling back when she and Zacharias were getting close,'' End Waking said, sounding thoughtful. ``And I have been her. We were both Michelle. I know that she is capable of experiencing romantic feelings. They will not be alien to her.'' +``Was the merge a net-positive thing?'' -``And now she's been \emph{you,}'' Debarre added. ``And you've got romantic feelings, too. At least, I hope so.'' +She laughed. ``I cannot possibly know that, Ioan. I suspect there is no net value, or indeed any value, to be placed on simply having those memories. It will make my life more difficult or it will not, but I do not think it will make it better or worse. I will be what I am to become.'' -End Waking pushed him over onto the ground. ``If you imply that I do not have romantic feelings for you again, I will make you hunt our meals for a week.'' +Ey nodded. -He laughed. ``Love you too, E.W.'' +``But, May Then My Name?'' -``What I am saying, though, is that it will not be alien to her. She will have experienced love for others, and the loss of that love. She will have already experienced love for others through another's memories and experiences, even. You can trust her to integrate that, I believe.'' +The skunk looked nervously at her cocladist, as though worried of some reprisal. ``Yes?'' -``Even though she was struggling with integrating those memories of yours?'' +``Thank you for thinking of me.'' -``Perhaps especially so. I think that she is struggling because it clashes with her personality, not that she feels that she might love Debarre. Though, my dear,'' he said, nodding to Debarre, ``I can guarantee that just about every Odist is at least a little in love with you.'' +May only nodded, swallowing back tears. -He shook his head and waved the comment away. ``Yeah, yeah.'' +``I remember a few days ago, too. I remember when you came to the forest, remember watching, awkwardly, while you cried on Debarre's shoulder after I told you about\ldots well, after we spoke. I remember hearing about all of your hatred over the years, about the resentment that you still have for me. I remember how it was that you talked me into this, how helpless I was before it. I remember all of it.'' -More than one of them had confessed as much to him over the centuries, and it wasn't until he'd actually conceded that something about End Waking landed in that sweet spot of attraction and personality match enough to at least try dating that they'd stopped. He was thankful that they seemed happy enough to live vicariously through him. He had liked Sasha and Michelle, loved her in that sympatico that true friends can share, friends who had shared trauma, so he didn't begrudge them their feelings, but any more felt pretty far out of his league as a gay man. +There was no more holding back the tears at that, though she did her best to cry silently. -Instead, he nudged Ioan with his elbow again. ``So if you don't need to worry about it from True Name's side, and you know you're worrying about it from your own side, how do you feel about it from May's point of view?'' +True Name smiled more kindly than she had yet that night. ``But still, you thought of me. `I do not want her to die', you said. You said that you do not know why you still care about me, and you said that to your cocladist perhaps not yet knowing that I would have that memory as well. You two are both meddlesome brats, but thank you for thinking of me.'' -``How do you mean?'' +May tucked closer against Ioan's side and buried her face in eir shirt to cry, making a rude gesture at her down-tree instance before hugging her arms around eir waist. -``Well, do you have any worries about her? Do you think she does? Has she talked about it at all?'' +``I think that means `no problem','' ey said. ``But I don't speak skunk all that-- ow! She bit me!'' -``Not much. She said she'd been considering it, but that seeing how the current merge was making her struggle had her in doubt. I told her I want to make sure it'd be consensual on everyone's behalf, this time. I guess--'' - -``Whoa, wait,'' Douglas interrupted, frowning. ``She didn't even talk with True Name about this merge?'' - -``They talked a few times in a cone of silence, so maybe then, but otherwise not that I saw. She just stopped True Name in the middle of ranting about her calling and sent End Waking a message to merge, far as I could tell.'' - -``That's kind of shitty.'' - -Ey shrugged. ``I suppose, but no need to pile on her or anything, I think she's beating herself up over it worse than any of us could do.'' - -Douglas nodded. ``Well, that bit I believe. Think that contributed to her overflowing?'' - -``Almost certainly, yeah. Correct me if I'm wrong, End Waking, but while I don't think it's solely tied to external events, they can have an effect on it.'' - -The skunk nodded. He'd started panting in the heat of the sun, so it took him a moment to reply. ``It comes over us like a wave. Some of us more quickly than others. It is slower in onset for me than for either of them, I believe.'' - -Debarre chimed in. ``I usually have a few days warning. I've gotten mine already and was planning on heading out today, but we both wanted to come, anyway.'' - -``Is it hard for you?'' - -End Waking held up a paw. ``I want to respect Debarre's decision to share or not, but I would prefer not to be here for this conversation.'' - -``Sorry, End Waking. You don't need to answer, Debarre.'' - -The weasel shrugged. ``No, it's fine. E.W. and I have talked about it, and I get where he's coming from. It can wait.'' - -``Yes. He is not disallowed. We simply have our own, separate conversations about that, and it is important to me that Debarre feel comfortable talking about me with his friends, too. I cannot be the only one in his life.'' - -``Alright, makes sense. May's said similar, for that matter.'' Ey toyed with the flower ey'd plucked before, saying, ``We actually talked about other relationships shortly before this all went down, about how she'd act if she started to fall for someone else and how she'd feel if I did. One thing we didn't talk about was someone else having feelings for either of us, whether or not they'd come about them on their own or through a merger.'' - -``I'm sure there's shitloads of people in love with May Then My Name,'' Debarre said, laughing. ``But she's good at having that conversation, and you're both good at talking, so.'' - -``Too good, perhaps.'' End Waking stood. ``I am overheating and feeling restless, so I am going to return to the forest. Ioan, I do wish you the best, and I would like you to keep in touch as you are able. I am concerned about your partner, as well as for True Name, in my own way. Please keep yourself safe so that you can keep the both of them safe in turn.'' - -Ioan nodded and stood as well to bow to the skunk. ``Thanks. It really does mean a lot. I'll keep you in the loop, if nothing else.'' - -After returning the bow, End Waking held out a paw to Debarre. ``Can you return with me? Just for a few minutes.'' - -He nodded and accepted that paw. He had a feeling he knew what was coming, so even just the touch as they stepped away from the sim was worth it. +True Name laughed. ``It is no less than you deserve, I am sure. But come, once you are able to, let us walk to the rock at the end of the lake. I want to see the stars before we head back.'' diff --git a/mitzvot/content/023.tex b/mitzvot/content/023.tex index 92cc0b0..58af152 100644 --- a/mitzvot/content/023.tex +++ b/mitzvot/content/023.tex @@ -1,133 +1,159 @@ -Sure enough, once they made it back to the forest, End Waking leaned over to nose at Debarre's cheek, pulled his paw away, and looked off into the woods. Whenever it was time for him to ask Debarre to leave, he'd go through a little swell of anxiety. +\begin{center}\rule{0.5\linewidth}{0.5pt}\end{center} -``I am sorry, my love. I know that it is not the easiest on you that I always do this.'' +What levity the night had gained slowly faded when they returned home. True Name explained that she had barely slept the night previous and needed to do so urgently, and as soon as the door shut behind her, May's shoulders sagged and she dragged em off to the bedroom. It was still early for them to be going to sleep, but then, ey was certainly tired enough. -``Hey, I said I was leaving today,'' he said as reassuringly as he could. ``It's not coming out of the blue.'' +They settled into bed, not talking, just resting forehead-to-forehead while ey pet through May's soft fur. There didn't seem to be anything that either of them needed to say, or if there was, not yet something they could. -End Waking nodded. ``You are always allowed to keep in touch.'' +Eventually, though, they shifted to their usual spots, May tucked back against eir front, and slept straight through until morning. -``Mmhm.'' +Ey woke to the quiet sounds of True Name rustling around in the kitchen, mugs being pulled down from the shelves. Ey grumbled, wondering why she hadn't thought to set up a cone of silence, then realized she'd almost certainly left it off intentionally as a subtle way to let them know that she was up. With her memories from End Waking, she almost certainly could be quieter than any of them. -``And you can drop by as long as you give me some notice, preferably a day.'' +Ey carefully slid out of bed, tucking the covers back over May to let her continue to doze. -``I will.'' +``Good morning,'' True Name said quietly, bowing to em and holding out a mug of coffee. ``Black, yes?'' -``And if you hear from May Then My Name or Ioan, please let me know.'' +``Morning,'' ey said, accepting the coffee with a nod of thanks. ``Caught up on sleep?'' -``E.W., shut up,'' Debarre said fondly. ``See you soon, okay?'' +She shrugged. ``A little, perhaps. Unnerving dreams, unnerving memories coming to the fore.'' -The skunk wilted, a look somewhere between relieved and resigned coming over his face. ``Yes. Soon. Thank you, my dear.'' +``Hopefully that lessens over time.'' -``Of course. Love you, E.W.'' +``It should, yes. It is already less overwhelming than it was yesterday afternoon.'' She shook her head. ``But I am sure you are tired of that topic after the last few days. How about you, my dear? Did you sleep well?'' -``Love you too.'' +``Well enough, I guess. I certainly needed it.'' -There was nothing else for it, then. With one last wave to the skunk (already heading off into the woods), he stepped back to the Hadjes' field. +``Coffee,'' May mumbled, stumbling out of the bedroom, looking disheveled. ``You did not bring me coffee.'' -Ioan and Douglas were still standing where he'd left them, so he waved again. ``Sorry, back for a little bit.'' +Ioan snorted and shook eir head. ``I just got up, too, May. I've barely had a sip, myself.'' -``On your own again?'' Ioan asked. +``No excuses, only coffee.'' -He nodded. ``Yeah. It's been building up for a long time. We agreed I'd head off when the tent was done, and we just got the nets all hung yesterday. Hey, can we go inside, though? He was right, it's pretty fucking hot out here with fur.'' +``It is on the counter, May Then My Name. I promise I did not leave you out.'' -Douglas laughed. ``I'll never get you guys, him all in black fur and you wearing black clothes over yours. Yeah, come on. There's more lemonade.'' +The skunk mumbled her thanks and retrieved her mug, lapping groggily. -Ioan held back enough to let Douglas take the lead, falling in step with Debarre, instead. ``Does it bother you?'' +As if on some hidden signal, they moved to the dining table to focus on waking up, all apparently too tired to do much else. -``Hmm? E.W. asking me to leave?'' +It was True Name who finally broke the silence, speaking quietly, more down to her mug than anything. ``I find myself caught off-guard by the sudden ending of the merge. I have never experienced that with any other merger. Perhaps it is down to individuation.'' + +``How do you mean?'' + +``I remember going to sleep here, but I also remember going to sleep with Debarre in my arms. I remember waking up with him, working with him through the day, even while I remember us talking to each other, and then I remember your message, May Then My Name, and then everything stops.'' + +May's ears flicked back and she ducked her snout, looking abashed. ``I did not think of that. I am sorry. I will apologize to them as well.'' + +True Name lifted her gaze and smiled faintly to May. ``I do not think you need to worry too much, my dear. We-- they discussed it a few nights ago. It was something of a shock to be used to sleeping alone and also to not have someone in bed with me. + +``I think May would explode without someone in bed with her,'' Ioan said, hoping to keep the mood light. + +``It is not \emph{not} true. I do not sleep well alone.'' + +``I have not experienced a relationship as True Name in\ldots some years. Even then we slept in separate beds.'' + +May's grip on her coffee mug tightened and she slouched down further in her seat. + +``I didn't know you were in a relationship,'' Ioan said. ``Did you, uh\ldots well, I mean, is that what you two talked about a few days back?'' + +Both skunks nodded. + +``I don't mean to pry,'' ey added. ``Sorry if it's too personal.'' + +After a long silence, True Name sighed. ``No, I think you will eventually learn about it anyway.'' When May's ears flattened, she hastened to add, ``At least in part.'' + +Ey stayed quiet. Ey wasn't sure how much to push or back off, whether or not there was some boundary ey should be aware of. It seemed more complex than simply keeping the relationship secret. + +``I met a young fox some centuries back.'' The skunk spoke slowly and carefully. ``Red fox, that is, rather than a fennec like Dear. Furries tend to clump together, and I suppose I am no exception. We quickly became friends, then trusted confidants, and then occasional lovers. I did not let us become more than that. There was romance between us, but I was not comfortable becoming romantically entangled in my position.'' + +``That makes sense. I don't know why I thought that wouldn't be the case, actually.'' + +``I have said in the past that you two—that all of those in the clade who have formed lasting romantic relationships—have done something I was never able to,'' she said. ``That remains true. Zacharias and I never quite rose to the level of relationship. Lovers, yes, and perhaps even in love, but never partners. It was always in private, always alone. I had an image to maintain, and that did not include having a boyfriend.'' + +``Did you want one?'' + +``Pardon?'' + +Realizing the sensitive nature of the question, ey held up eir hands. ``Sorry, I asked that without thinking. I was wondering if you wanted a partner, even if you felt your image wouldn't allow that.'' + +Another long silence followed before she spoke again. ``Had you asked me that prior to the merge, I do not think I would have been comfortable answering, but in the context of the memories I now share of Debarre, I think that has changed into a solid `I do not know'. I do not know if I wanted a partner, because it was more important for me to stay true to my goals than it was for me to think about love, on some subconscious level.'' + +Ey finished eir coffee and toyed with the empty mug, rotating it first this way and then that on the table while ey thought. Eventually, the two skunks fell into quiet, polite conversation, talking about something ey was too distracted to think about. + +They both agreed to more coffee, so ey tasked emself with making another pot, hoping that breaking out of the context would give em more room to think. + +That True Name felt such a strong need to maintain her image was more than a little alien to em. However, when it came to her not knowing whether or not she wanted a partner, ey felt an almost unnerving level of concordance with eir own life prior to first meeting the Odists, and perhaps even prior to meeting May, years later. Ey did not have an image to maintain or goals to reach for, simply a lack of social awareness that kept em from remembering that having a partner was even a thing that ey could do. Ey and True Name always seemed to have something that kept them from thinking about love until something—May for em and this merge (or perhaps even this conversation) for True Name—suddenly forced the issue. + +Ey didn't know what part of em was in charge of making such predictions, but the thought that May, with all her love, might try to merge down with True Name forced itself into eir mind and wedged itself firmly in place. They'd talked about how each of the three skunks were good people some nights back, but in the face of the last two days, ey couldn't think of why, what reason eir partner might even have to do so. A lingering need to force her to experience her own resentment? Or to feel that love? A desire to help her become a better person, whatever that meant? A fit of pique? + +Or, no, that wasn't it. It all fell back to the same problem that had been at the forefront of eir mind for months now: that need to fix things. Ey worried that May might merge down with True Name to make her feel better not necessarily because that's something she might want to do, but because, in the wake of the most recent merge, it's all ey emself could think to do in order to fix this friction. + +So silly. It made no sense, and yet this sudden image of True Name as the type of person who might have a relationship, who now had decades of memories of dating Debarre in the form of End Waking, seemed to have set off a runaway train of thought. + +``Ioan?'' + +Ey started out of eir rumination. ``Mm? Sorry. Was I mumbling?'' + +May grinned. ``A little, but also you have been standing there for quite a while and you promised us coffee.'' + +``Oh! Shit, I'm sorry.'' Ey laughed as best ey could to banish any look of the panic ey felt from eir face. Ey brought the pot of coffee over to the table along with the cream and sugar for May and True Name so that they could top up their mugs accordingly. + +Ey drifted in and out of the present moment after that, surfacing now and then to do a bit of work or, at one point, to run another sweep of the house at the behest of True Name in case they'd brought any hitchhikers with them. They hadn't, but it was probably a good idea all the same. + +The relatively pleasant morning fell again into a vague sense of tension within the house. Ey was sure that ey was the cause of at least a part of it, what with the way May kept checking in on em. + +The rest seemed to fall back to True Name, though, who, after coffee, had sagged in her chair and mentioned that she'd been holding some demanding memories at bay. ``I need to deal with these or I am sure I will unravel like Michelle,'' she had mumbled on the way to her room, leading May to put down her work and curl up on the beanbag. + +Ey joined her, despite all of the distractions whirling around in eir head. Ey couldn't sort any of them out now, but the least ey could do was comfort eir partner. + +\emph{All that crying these last few days, I wouldn't be surprised if she overflows soon,} ey thought while petting over her ears, a pang in eir chest. \emph{And who knows how that'll work with True Name.} + +A simple dinner of pasta, more polite conversation, and then they broke off to their own spaces again, True Name requesting the location tag for Arrowhead Lake so that she could go for a walk ``somewhere with fewer right-angles''. + +It wasn't until they were getting ready for bed that ey pulled eir thoughts together into a coherent enough form to ask May the question that had been nagging at em all day. + +``Do you think you'll merge down, May?'' + +The skunk paused in the middle of tugging off her shirt, leaving just her snout-tip and midriff exposed. ``Let me think on that for a moment, please.'' + +They both finished undressing and climbed into bed, em settling back against the pillows and her with her head on eir chest. + +``Okay. Now, why do you ask, my dear?'' + +Ey hesitated. The origin of the train of thought felt impertinent, incomplete, perhaps solely on em. ``I'm not actually sure,'' ey said, fumbling for words. ``Maybe a little because you had a hand in End Waking merging down, but I think mostly the talk this morning about Debarre and, uh\ldots Zacharias, was it?'' + +She nodded. + +``I think that made me think of it because until this point, it's all been happening at one layer of remove for me. She's my friend and I like her as such, but she's not my cocladist or family. I'm not in a relationship with her. None of this has been happening with her as someone I'm super close to.'' + +``But if I merge down, she will remember having been in a relationship with you. You will be more directly involved.'' ``Yeah.'' -He thought for a bit, then shrugged. ``Bothers, yeah, but that's really about it. Helps that I usually just quit and merge down with \#Tracker, so it's not like I've got \emph{just} the relationship to worry about. I've got my own stuff going on besides him, and other relationships that merge in every now and then.'' +They lay in silence for a bit. Ey didn't know what May was thinking about, but ey kept cycling over just how much ey and eir partner had shared over the last few months alone, all those little bits of affection and physicality when True Name had expressed on more than one occasion that such simply wasn't for her, all the private conversations they'd shared with the understanding that they'd remain such, all the little nothing moments that go into being in love. -``That sounds handy, at least.'' +``I will admit that I had been considering it,'' she said, then lifted her snout to dot her nose on the underside of eir chin. ``But after the last few days and coming to terms with what that would actually mean for her, I am feeling much more cautious about the prospect.'' -``His overflowing is also way less dramatic than May Then My Name's, which sounds pretty painful to watch.'' +``Okay,'' ey said carefully, not wanting to jostle her snout too much. ``Can we make sure to talk about it more if you do decide to?'' -Ioan nodded. +``Of course, my dear. You and I never shut up.'' -``Sorry, Ioan. Don't mean to keep it all on the surface for you.'' +``Mmhm, best that way,'' ey murmured, then added more seriously, ``I mean the three of us, though.'' -Ey shrugged. ``I asked, it's alright.'' +``We will, Ioan. It would be unfair to all of us not to.'' May lowered her snout again and tightened her grip around eir middle. ``Do you want me not to? You are allowed to say yes.'' -Once they were all inside and Debarre had cooled off, Douglas asked, ``So what do you think about all this?'' +Ey sighed and placed a kiss atop her head. ``I don't know. I need way more time to think on it.'' -``\,`All this'?'' He laughed. ``Way too fucking much to say one way or another. Narrow it down?'' +She nodded. ``I will give you all the time in the world.'' -``Oh, I meant the stuff with End Waking merging down. I'm still stuck on May asking him to do that without talking it through with True Name, first.'' +``Thanks, May.'' -``Well, like I said, she was conflicted about it when she brought it up. Said she wanted her to disappear into ignor\ldots ignoble\ldots{}'' +They settled in for sleep, letting the topic drop and trusting that there would be time enough to discuss it, focusing instead on closeness and comfort. -``Ignominy?'' Ioan offered. +``Ioan?'' -``Right, yeah. But she also said that she wanted her to get out of this mess and away from Jonas, `that living, breathing sack of shit', in her words.'' +``Mm?'' Ey'd nearly dozed off, and sleep was still tugging at em. -They laughed. +``I love you. You know that, right?'' -``But I'd been thinking much the same, I guess. If she does disappear, I'd probably feel at least a little bit of vindication for the way she jerked us all around without us realizing it and all that shit she did with the Council. I'd also feel like there was a fraction less of my friend around, though, too. I love E.W., I'm happy he's in my life, we get along well for the most part, but there's also this layer of, like\ldots well, he was part of Sasha and Michelle, and they and I went through a lot together.'' +``'Course I do, \emph{sconcsul meu}. I love you too.'' -``You talk about those two facets like different people,'' Ioan said. ``Sorry, not to derail. Just that I noticed that. None of the Odists do.'' - -``Most, maybe. I picked it up from Hammered Silver, who spent probably more time with them than anyone. All their instances feel singular, I imagine, but they were two instances in one. Sasha was this really emotional, really caring person. It wasn't that Michelle wasn't, just that when she was at the fore, she was much more\ldots I don't know. Logical? Rational?'' - -``And when it was both? When she was in flux, or whatever?'' - -``Then she was just tired,'' he said, smiling at memories. ``But right, before I totally lose track, you asked how I feel. Uh, I guess I feel scared.'' - -Ioan furrowed eir brow. ``Really? - -``Yeah. That she collapsed made me confront the fact that, no, I don't really want her dead or anything, that I really would hate to lose her. Even if she's not the part of my friend I like the most, not a part that I even remember seeing before, she's still \emph{a} part of them.'' He hesitated, then added, ``And it changed E.W. Not the forking and merging itself, but that he even did that. It sounds like May Then My Name used the fact that True Name was all worked up to force her to accept the whole merge all at once. She kind of did the same with E.W. I don't know what her message was, but it looked like it scared the shit out of him, so he kind of did it without really thinking. They'd been talking about Zacharias the last few days, I do know that.'' - -``Since her and True Name's conversation about him?'' - -``Now that you mention it, yeah. He's been a bit different since.'' - -``Different how?'' Douglas asked. - -``Like\ldots still all worried, and still a little in shock, but also like a little bit of a load was taken off. He's been a bit lighter. Silly, even. You heard him, though. He even said he's worried for her. I can't explain it, and we never really talked it through. It's not bad, but I can still tell.'' - -Ioan nodded and rubbed eir palms against the legs of eir slacks as ey always seemed to do during stressful conversations. ``He did seem a bit freer of speech today,'' ey mused. ``But that makes sense. He finally got to tell her how he feels, and they didn't even have to talk to each other.'' - -``Has May Then My Name changed, too?'' - -``I can't tell. She's been so wrapped up in trying to live around someone she doesn't really like, and then with all of the fallout from the merge. Maybe she has? She's at least been able to talk with True Name without blowing up at her, and they've even had some conversations that seemed enjoyable at times, so, maybe?'' - -He raised his eyebrows. ``Really? The way she talked about True Name for a while there\ldots whew.'' - -``That bad?'' - -``Did she not talk about her to you?'' - -Ey shrugged. ``Every now and then, and sometimes she'd get pretty pissed, but it was only once a year or so.'' - -``Mm, about the same amount, but maybe she kept it a bit\ldots I dunno, gentler for you, since you were meeting up with True Name. She'd come over once a year or so and just go off for a while. It kinda became routine. She'd vent, then we'd have a good day.'' - -Ioan switched to rubbing eir hands over her face. ``I don't even know what to do about her.'' - -``Nothing,'' Douglas said. ``Nothing but love her and keep talking, I mean. She's a grown woman, she can work out her feelings well enough. Hell, she's already seeing a therapist.'' - -Ey slumped back dramatically against the couch cushions. ``Why does \emph{everyone} tell me to stop fixing others' problems for them? Even the intellectual side of me is in on the game.'' - -They laughed. - -``It's so hard to actually internalize. I'll catch myself trying to mend her and True Name's relationship or make May feel better or whatever, and I'll have to force myself to relax.'' - -``It's not a bad thing,'' Debarre said. ``I mean, you still shouldn't do that all the time, but it's at least a sign that you're just a good person who wants to do right by eir friends.'' - -Ey smiled gratefully. ``I'm at least trying. May's done her own fair share of trying to help, but that at least fits her M.O. One more question, then I think I need to table the topic for a bit.'' - -``Sure.'' - -``Do you think it was the right thing to do?'' - -``Yeah,'' he said, surprising himself with how readily the answer came to him. ``I don't think it would have worked if E.W. had just merged down without all the other dramatic shit. I think she would've just rejected it, or if she did accept the merge, just cherry-picked parts of it. As it is, though, with Jonas after her neck and May Then My Name using all her wiles to convince both her and E.W., I think it's worth it, though she probably would've preferred to fork first. I don't honestly see her coming out of this still in power or whatever, but if she \emph{does} make it out, I think it'll help her move on.'' - -Ioan stared up at the ceiling thoughtfully, occasionally mumbling to emself. - -He shrugged to Douglas and asked, ``Well, I skipped breakfast and I'm not ready to merge back down yet. Want some food? That'll at least be more pleasant.'' - -After another hour's conversation over lunch—much happier conversation, thankfully—Debarre stepped back to his home sim and quit to let \#Tracker catch up on the current happenings. - -Debarre\#Tracker conducted a thorough security sweep and, finding no bugs, those little hidden instances he'd grown so paranoid of, he sighed and slouched back in his desk chair, rubbing paws over his face. ``Well, shit. This complicates things, doesn't it?'' - -He queued up a sensorium message to Yared, user11824, and a few other friends he'd kept in touch with while following along with (and occasionally meddling in) the political affairs of the system. `Reactionary elements' indeed. +That, at least, was a pleasant note to fall asleep to, one for pleasant dreams. diff --git a/mitzvot/content/024.tex b/mitzvot/content/024.tex index 66c6c7c..bb0209a 100644 --- a/mitzvot/content/024.tex +++ b/mitzvot/content/024.tex @@ -1,129 +1,178 @@ -\hypertarget{ioan-bux103lan-2350}{% -\chapter{Ioan Bălan — 2350}\label{ioan-bux103lan-2350}} -\markboth{Ioan Bălan — 2350}{} +\begin{center}\rule{0.5\linewidth}{0.5pt}\end{center} +\pagebreak -Once they were fed and Debarre was safely on his way home—or at least merged down-tree—Ioan begged off from talking any further and trudged down the hall to the spare room ey borrowed whenever May needed space. Ey claimed to need a nap and, while ey was certainly tired enough, sleep seemed unlikely. +While True Name continued to integrate the merge more and more fully—or, as she put it, became more whatever her new self was meant to be—and she spent less time taken by long silences or the need to go lay down in the quiet for some lingering conflict, her mood nonetheless continued to decline. Those moments of easy conversation came further and further apart, and while the skunk remained as polite as could be, she also bowed out of nearly every topic other than the food, the weather, and only the most surface-level details of how she was feeling. \emph{I am not comfortable talking about that now} became her constant refrain. -The walk and cry in the field before ey'd joined Douglas at his house had been necessary, but also had only served to highlight just how woefully out of eir depth ey truly was. +Though neither Ioan nor May were necessarily happy for this change, it meant that they \emph{had} to stop talking about all these dire topics. It forced them to take a step back as well, and at least try to get some work done. Given all that had happened, no one was comfortable with them continuing to perform, least of all A Finger Pointing, so they were removed from the bill for the time being, with either their roles replaced or their shows canceled. -``Hi Sarah,'' ey said, starting a simplex sensorium message. ``Sorry to bother you, and sorry we haven't spoken in a few weeks. I know I was vague when I canceled our last appointment, but things have gone completely sideways. I'm not totally sure how open you'd be to this, but can we meet and talk, even if I'm restricted to talking in very general terms about what's going on? I need to talk to someone who can help me sort through my thoughts around it, I just can't share details yet. It has to do with True Name, so I'm sure you can appreciate just how complicated it is. Let me know if that's alright. I'm\ldots I'm at Douglas's for a few days. Thanks.'' +And there was still work to be done. May still had her monologue, which she tried taking in a few different directions, some of which worked well and some less so. Ioan coached her in writing as best ey could, talking her down from fits of perfectionism that left her threatening to tear the whole thing up. -Then, ey lay down on the bed, still dressed and over the covers, and stared at the ceiling, trying to think about as little as possible. +For eir part, ey still had a few projects on eir plate, not least of which was the upcoming book project that had been requested by Jonas. Ey poked at this every now and then, outlining the events to date and throwing a few thousand words at it here and there. -Ey was startled awake by a sensorium message. Grunting and wiping eir hands over eir face to try and bring reality back into focus through the near drunken haze of waking up from an ill-advised nap, ey set the message to running. +Mostly, though, ey dealt in letters to and from the other members of eir clade. Vast, dramatic events were happening elsewhere—as they always seemed to when an Odist was involved—and ey couldn't simply put them away to deal with all that was going on at home. The break from dealing with the affairs of True Name and Jonas was a welcome one. -``Good to hear from you, Ioan. I'll admit that I was pretty concerned when you canceled. I don't usually worry about you, but that's also the first time you've had to do so in nearly four years. I can be free whenever you need, and am happy to meet you either there or here. I don't have any problems holding off on details until a later date. Just let me know.'' +The one conversation of note came on the fourth day after the merge, when the skunk asked, ``How did you two get together?'' -Ey groaned and ground the heels of eir palms against eir closed eyes, trying to will away the grogginess that clung to em, somehow managing to feel both sticky and slippery. +Both Ioan and May had stared at her until she held up her paws. -A quick shower had em feeling well enough to respond, and by the time she arrived, ey'd made tea for emself and met her, mug in hand, at the door. +``Other than the forces behind the scenes, I mean.'' -Ey bowed. ``Thanks for coming on such short notice.'' +``From my point of view,'' Ioan said, guessing at the meaning behind her question. ``it just kind of happened over the course of a few years. May was her usual affectionate self, and we just wound up building patterns around that that turned us from coworkers to friends to partners.'' -She offered em a hug. ``It's alright. I figure if whatever is happening has all three of you canceling appointments and you requesting short-notice ones, it's probably important.'' +``There was no culmination? No decision?'' -``Sorry, just woke up, feeling rough,'' ey said, declining the hug. ``But yeah. Important, overwhelming, dramatic. Would you be alright talking outside? That nap destroyed me and I'm still feeling disconnected from everything.'' +``Not really. I just realized one day that we were probably together and asked if we were.'' -``Works for me.'' +``It was the day ey interviewed you for the first time,'' May said, trying to hide a smile. ``I told em it was the dumbest fucking question of the entire project. We agreed we had probably been in a relationship for months before that.'' -``So, uh\ldots well, where to start.'' Ey spoke haltingly, once they'd made their way out into the grass and light and blue skies. ``Right. As of a few weeks ago, for reasons I can't get into just yet, True Name has been staying in an extra room we dug at the house. A few days ago--'' +True Name nodded, expression more thoughtful than amused. ``Is that how you move in the world, May Then My Name?'' -``Whoa, wait. I know you said no specifics, but can you tell me a little more about that? I can't picture that working at \emph{all.}'' +The skunk hesitated, gaze drifting away from her cocladist. ``Ask another question, my dear,'' she said eventually. -Ey sighed. ``Yeah, well, that's part of why I'm here and not at home, I guess.'' +``Of course.'' True Name gave a hint of a bow. ``You changed in order to accommodate being in a relationship, Ioan. How?'' -She nodded, gestured for em to continue. +``Are you asking what about me changed, or what I did to change?'' ey asked, frowning. ``Because I don't think I had any conscious control over it.'' -``Well, she\ldots hmm. She ran into some interpersonal trouble that was dramatic enough to require staying around people well enough known on the System that she'd be safe.'' Ey winced, adding, ``I know that's not much to go by. Either way, she's staying in our place. She's been fairly self-contained, but not totally so, so there's been some interaction between the three of us. Before you ask, it was May's idea in the first place, and while there have been a few rough spots, it's gone far smoother than I would have thought.'' +``What you changed, yes. May Then My Name could answer the other question, perhaps uniquely so among all those who we know.'' -``Still, I imagine that just having the anxiety of it potentially going rough doesn't feel good.'' +The skunk only shrugged. -``Not at all, no. I've been feeling like I'm constantly on guard, always ready to jump in and smooth things out, even if I haven't really had to do so. I'm trying to let them both just do their own thing, though, and every time I catch myself feeling that way, I try to change contexts.'' +``Well, I think the events with Qoheleth got me thinking about existence here on the System. My own, sure, but in general. Prior to that, I think I lived my life solely as an observer of others. I'd watch people and write what they did and turn it into a story, and I was just kind of\ldots I don't know. Transparent?'' Ey shrugged. ``I was just a pair of glasses to be used by others. I relied heavily on memory to do my job, though, and it wasn't until that was specifically called out and brought into question that I started thinking of myself as more than an observer, which then got me thinking about how I interact with those around me. That's where Codrin came from, I think.'' -``That's good,'' she said. ``Has it been helping, at least?'' +May chimed in. ``Ey was the version of you who learned that most strongly, perhaps. You were left with the memories of it to work with, but without the context of the experience.'' -``If you'd asked me that a few days ago, I would have said yes, but now that I'm here and struggling to hold it together, I'm not so sure. I think I was just pushing it down without\ldots I don't know, redirecting it or dealing with it.'' +``Right. It was nice watching em grow closer to others and open up to a relationship.'' -She nodded. ``Alright. I want to come back to that, but I interrupted your overview. Can you tell me what else happened?'' +``\,`Nice'?'' -``Right. So, through some strange turn of events, both True Name and May wound up overflowing at the same time. True Name is staying at another private sim we know and May's at home while I'm here. All of this hit a few days back when May and True Name had a conversation that left both of them drained, and then True Name had to deal with a merge large enough that she collapsed.'' +Ey shrugged. ``I don't know how else to put it. I felt compersion for them, like the opposite of jealousy. I was happy for them, and it felt good to know that those things were possible.'' -``Not May Then My Name\ldots{}'' Sarah hazarded, frowning. +True Name nodded. ``That is the word I would use to describe my feelings towards May Then My Name, if it is not too forward of me to say.'' -``No.~Another cocladist, though.'' +May smiled and reached out across the dining table to pat at True Name's paw. -Ey saw comprehension dawn in her features, and that frown only deepened. She gestured for em to continue. +``It is what I feel for End Waking and Debarre, too, though in a far more round-about way. I have memories of the ways in which End Waking changed in order to let Debarre into his life, but I cannot place them in context. I do not have what is required to understand them; I may watch them, I may understand one at a time, but integration of all of them eludes me. Those experiences which are left to integrate are the ones clashing the most.'' She gave a frustrated sigh and shook her head. ``I can remember what it feels like to fall in love but not what to do then. I can remember what it feels like to be in love but not how I got there.'' -``But\ldots well. So there's two things that I think fall out of this that I'd get the most out of talking about. The first is that I'm having a lot of complicated feelings surrounding True Name throughout this, and the second is that May did mention that she'd been considering merging down with her until the previous merge went so sideways.'' +Ioan and May glanced at each other briefly, but both nodded. -She looked down to the grass thoughtfully as they walked. ``Can you tell me about how you feel about the merge, first?'' +``It has not been a priority for you,'' May said. ``If it has not been important, if it has felt like a distraction, then there is no\pagebreak\ reason to simply know how to do all of that. I do wish you the best, though.'' -``I didn't really get the chance to ask her about why it was that she was considering merging. We promised to talk about it more, but after that, things happened pretty quickly. There's a weird sort of jealousy that goes along with it. May and I have built our own life completely independent of True Name. We bowed out of politics and writing these grand, System-spanning tales and focused on just being together. That's why I got into writing plays, I think: it was a way for me to do the things that felt comfortable for me that didn't involve being wrapped up in all these crazy goings-on. +``Didn't you say you'd felt love for Zacharias, though?'' -``So we built our life together. True Name respected that, too. She would ask about me and May, and seemed earnestly happy that we'd gone and done something so\ldots normal.'' +True Name shrugged noncommittally. ``I am not comfortable talking about that now.'' -``Do you think she's envious of that?'' +Ey tried to keep eir expression from falling, but apparently did not succeed. -Ey frowned and scuffed a heel through the grass. ``I don't know, honestly. Again, if you'd asked me a few weeks ago, I would have said probably not, that she's got her own things that make her happy which don't involve putting on plays or poking fun at each other. Now, though, I'm not so sure. This whole thing about the merge adds another layer onto that, because suddenly, True Name would have all of those memories.'' +``I am sorry, Ioan. Not everything is for sharing, not right now.'' -``Does it bother you that she would have the memories, or are you worried about her having those emotions? Do you worry she'd start feeling about you the way that May Then My Name does?'' +``It's just the amanuensis in me.'' Ey tried to laugh it away. ``Why'd you ask about this, anyway?'' -``Well, shit.'' Ey groaned. ``I didn't even think about that. Like, we've talked about what her having memories of loving me would mean, but always past-tense. I didn't think about if she herself—she as True Name I mean—would pick up on exactly how May felt about me as well. I have no clue. Maybe on some level I do worry, though. I like the way May feels about me. We've talked about jealousy a few times, and it often comes up that she feels devoted to me. I'm really not sure how I'd feel having that come from another, never mind one that I have as complicated a relationship with as I do with True Name.'' +She smirked. ``You mean beyond the fact that I just told you I am having trouble integrating the memories?'' -``Does this tie in with the complicated feelings you mentioned, then?'' +``Yeah, actually. Why those memories? I would have thought his fixation on penance would have caused more clashes.'' -Ey bought emself some time to think about an answer by bending down to pluck a dandelion, twirling it between eir fingers. ``I guess I have to share one detail, which is that there was an attempt on her life back on Secession day.'' +``It is,'' she replied slowly. ``But these are more comforting to work with. They had their fights, as I am sure all couples do, but even those are full of love. I do not--'' She sniffled, shook her head firmly, then stood and bowed. ``I need to go for a walk. Thank you both.'' -Sarah blinked and stopped up short. ``One moment,'' she said, then closed her eyes, her lips moving faintly in a non-vocalized sensorium message. Ey politely turned away. Finally, she caught eir attention once more. ``I checked in with the instance that's been meeting with True Name and she said that she received a message from her back on Secession day that sounded really panicked.'' +And without another word, she stepped from the sim. -``What was it about?'' ey asked. ``If you can share, that is.'' +May groaned and crossed her arms on the table, resting her head on them. ``I do not know what to think about her. I do not know what to think about any of this.'' -``Not the specifics, but she mentioned that True Name did cancel appointments for the foreseeable future with the promise to come back as soon as she could.'' +Ey slouched in eir chair for a moment before reaching out to pet over her ears a few times. ``Me either. I don't know where that conversation came from, and\ldots well, it went alright, but I have no idea what she was asking about, so I kept feeling like I was about to fall in some conversational pit.'' -Ey nodded. ``Well, then yes, that'd be why. She's safe, at least. Staying with us means that no one can come after her without exposing themselves,'' ey said as reassuringly as ey could. Ey felt bad leaving out the fact that True Name wasn't in contact at all with either of them, but that felt like it was on the list of things ey couldn't share. +She lifted her snout enough to bump her nose against eir wrist, then nodded. ``It is things like this—the conversation and the thoughts that come with it—that keep me hesitant about any decision to merge down. I do not know if it would help her or kill her.'' -``Has this changed how you feel about her, then?'' +``No killing skunks,'' ey mumbled, then stood and stretched. ``Bit miffed she's out at the lake, since now I feel like walking, too.'' -``I don't know if it's changed things, necessarily, so much as made me more cognizant of how I felt about her before. I think I mentioned around the time that it came up that we had a conversation about how she said that it was nice to just have a friend, and how I translated that as a friendly acquaintance that wasn't just another politician.'' +``If you were at all a normal person, we could enjoy perpetual springtime in the yard.'' -``And I called you out on the fact that you later said you thought of her more like a friendly coworker than anything.'' +Ey looked outside, at the scant inch of snow left after the last storm. ``It's not that bad.'' -Ey laughed. ``Right. Well, with all that's gone down, with how it felt to see her in danger and then to see her struggling with the ramifications of being cut off and the effects of the merge, I think I'm a lot more comfortable just calling her a friend. I don't think I'd feel like this if she were a `friendly coworker'.'' +``It is in all ways bad. It is cold.'' -``You have a far more complex relationship than what is implied by `friend'. It could just be a language thing, that that word implies a greater level of shared happiness than you have, but, confronted by how much you care about her in the context of what happened, you're bumping up against the broader definition of friend of someone you \emph{can} feel that much care for.'' +``Mmhm, still cold. Still, it might be worth making a coffee and bringing it out there to keep the hands warm, if only so I can pace.'' -Ey nodded. They fell into silence as they walked while Ioan took the time to process. +``Go, my dear. Go and pace. I will teach myself how to do a handstand or something equally silly. Anything other than dwelling on more of this.'' -It certainly tallied, too. Even though May's overflowing had overshadowed it—reasonably so, given the importance of their relationship—ey'd been hit hard by True Name overflowing, as well. Seeing her struggling, upset and overwhelmed, having to claim that same solitude that End Waking did, touched on that care. The need to fix things was a symptom of that confusing sense of care, ey suspected, rather than just something isolated. +``No more monologue?'' -``I don't know if you were necessarily talking to me, but just in case you were, I'd agree with your assessment.'' +``I am so sick of looking at it that I think I might scream if I even catch a glance.'' -Ey jumped at the sudden realization that ey'd said at least part of that out loud, then laughed. ``Sorry, I was mumbling, wasn't I? I've been doing that a lot lately. I was trying to keep that dialogue internal, but I appreciate the confirmation.'' +Ey laughed and leaned down to kiss the side of the skunk's muzzle. ``Well, alright. Don't fall over onto the table or anything.'' -She smiled. ``I suspected so. I'm used to it, now. So, before I continue, are you looking to work on disentangling this, some ideas for where to go next, or just talking?'' +The rest of the afternoon passed easily enough. It was slow and boring, perhaps, but neither seemed to want any excitement. Ioan walked. May did not manage a handstand, but she did wind up laying half off the couch, head nearly to the floor, for half an hour. They made lunch. They read. -``I wouldn't turn down an idea or two, but I've already gotten a lot out of having the chance to talk through the emotional side. There are a few others in the loop that I've been able to talk with, but that's all been about logistics, or about May and True Name rather than myself.'' Ey sighed, adding, ``I was a mess when I first got here. Doesn't feel great to say, but I spent so much energy on them I kind of forgot to take care of myself.'' +But always, there was an air of waiting. They were waiting for True Name to return, yes, but ey felt like they were also waiting for the other shoe to drop. They were waiting for her to feel whole again. They were waiting for everything to fall into place (or at least close enough) so that they could do this meeting with Jonas and get it over with. -``That it doesn't feel great to say is a sign that you care deeply enough to not want to detract from that energy, so it's not a bad thing, but you do need to take care of yourself, yes.'' She looked thoughtful for a moment, then said, ``Alright. I know you said they're both currently overflowing, but what do you think about talking with each of them about how you're feeling about this?'' +``Do you think she's just out there walking?'' ey asked at one point. -``Uh, well, I mean,'' ey stammered. ``I guess I should, yeah.'' +May shrugged. ``If she is anything like True Name, yes. If she is anything like End Waking, then she is exploring. Climbing trees and walking along ravines.'' -``\,`Should'?'' +``And if she's both?'' -``Right. Should statement. I'd like to, but they both feel kind of fraught. Talking with May about being friends with True Name has come up before but feels fraught with how they feel about each other, or at least felt about each other. Hell, I don't know how I'd tell True Name I care about her, either. And I don't particularly want to be the one to broach May merging down with True Name. That feels like a conversation they should start as cocladists.'' +She sighed. ``If she is both, then I do not know. If she is both, perhaps she is finding some new way to let loose all of those emotions she could not speak before. -``They're complicated topics, and I'm not saying you \emph{must} talk about them, but it'll only help for the three of you to all be on the same page. It'd be a good exercise for you to be more active, as well.'' +True Name returned shortly before dinner. Both Ioan and May stood to greet her. She looked dirty and scuffed up, and while her expression wasn't grim, it certainly came close. There was frustration there, perhaps anger as well. -Ey nodded. +\emph{Overflowing,} ey thought, then tamped it down. -``You look like you're fading. Want to call it for now and then we can get in touch soon?'' +She bowed to them from the entryway and said, ``Ioan, May Then My Name, thank you for hosting me and for all of your kindness.'' -``Uh, yeah, probably,'' ey said. It was only just settling into evening, but the nap still had em out of sorts. ``Thank you, though. This was immensely helpful. I don't think any of us are in a position to hold to a schedule at the moment, given further complicated stuff going on behind the scenes, but I'll definitely be in touch when I can, and will nudge both of them to do the same.'' +Ey frowned. ``But\ldots?'' -``Ioan.'' +``Yes. But I need out. I need to be elsewhere. I walked as far as I could into the hills from the lake and, while I found the boundary of the sim, it is far enough away that I do not think I will feel cramped.'' -Ey stopped up short, winced. ``Right, sorry. Not my job.'' +``Wait, what? You're going to stay at Arrowhead Lake?'' -``Thank you,'' she said, grinning. ``I'll touch base with each of them, don't worry. One more tip before I go: take care of yourself. That whole golden rule thing applies to you, too, you know. Treat others well, but remember you still need to be treated well, too.'' +``If you decide to keep my room here, I will come back, but I am going to lose my fucking mind if I simply stay in--'' She sighed, took a deep breath, recomposed herself. ``I am going to spend a few days out at the lake. I need\ldots away. I need away from walls. I need away from you two, nice as you are, away from all of your happiness and comfort. I need away from speaking, from dwelling on the last few weeks. I need solitude.'' -``I'll certainly try.'' +May had shied away from her down-tree instance the instant her temper started to rise, clutching tightly at eir hand, but Ioan stood eir ground as best ey could. + +``Well, alright. It's no trouble keeping your room, of course, and I guess there's tents already out there.'' + +She nodded, subsiding at the reasonable tone in eir voice. ``Yes. Thank you for understanding.'' + +``Is there anything we can do to help?'' + +``Can you grant me ACLs to create supplies? There is nothing to hunt and I do not wish to set aside the necessity to eat.'' + +``Hunt?'' Ey frowned, then shook eir head. ``Right, sorry. End Waking always did. You should\ldots there. You should have them now.'' + +She nodded. Much of her time out there must have been spent cataloguing what she'd need in order to survive, going off of memories that were now hers, as it took her less than ten seconds and a wave of the paw to create an axe, a knife, and two canvas bags ey assumed were full of reasonably stable food and other necessary tools. This was followed by her rapidly forking a few times over, shifting her outfit one article of clothing at a time. It struck a middle-ground between her ordinary conservative dress and End Waking's ranger garb, one with canvas leggings and a sturdy shirt, over which she wore a leather jerkin with what looked to be a detachable hood. It usually wasn't worth it to fork just to re-clothe oneself, but she seemed antsy to be away and on her own, not to mention that lingering air of frustration about her. + +``Thank you both,'' she said, more quietly this time. ``Earnestly. It does mean a lot that you have both thought to help so much. I will be in touch.'' + +With that, she bowed, lifted her bags and axe, then stepped from the sim once more. + +``What the hell\ldots{}'' + +May took a solid minute to un-cringe from the whole experience, slowly relaxing her grip on eir hand. ``I think perhaps she--'' + +``Is overflowing?'' + +She nodded. + +Ey sighed. ``That was my guess, too. I was going to say it came on pretty quick, but the last few days make a lot more sense with that as context.'' + +May leaned forward and rested her forehead against eir upper arm. Her tail hung limp and her ears were splayed out to the sides. + +Ey extricated eir hand from her paws so that ey could turn and get eir arms around her, careful not to jostle too much. Ey leaned down to kiss between her ears, murmuring, ``How about you, May?'' + +``Mm?'' + +``You've seemed on the edge of overflowing for a few days now.'' + +It took her a long time to respond. At last, she hugged her arms around eir middle and lifted her head to look at em. ``You will not be upset with me if I say yes?'' + +``What?'' Ey blinked, shaking eir head. ``Of course not. I apologize if it's seemed that way in the past.'' + +She rested her head against eir shoulder. ``No, but\ldots I do not know, my dear. Everything is so much more complicated this time. It is bad enough when you have one skunk in your life, but now you have two at the same time. Two and a half, perhaps.'' + +``It's okay, May. It's complicated, but we've done it before, so we'll make it work this time.'' + +She nodded. + +``Can I stay for tonight?'' Ioan asked gently. ``I'll help get some meals prepped and some of my stuff in order. It'll give me a chance to contact Douglas, too.'' + +``Of course, my dear. I am not\ldots there yet, but I am close.'' + +``Well, come on, then. Let's get some food in you and we can take it easy for the night and finish in the morning.'' diff --git a/mitzvot/content/025.tex b/mitzvot/content/025.tex index c5d7be7..e999b0d 100644 --- a/mitzvot/content/025.tex +++ b/mitzvot/content/025.tex @@ -1,117 +1,83 @@ \begin{center}\rule{0.5\linewidth}{0.5pt}\end{center} -May arrived without any warning. She would usually ping either em or Douglas, giving them a few minutes to get out into the field and prepare for a pouncing. +Ioan awoke, arms empty, asleep on eir front. Ey was not a front-sleeper, so this came with a stiff neck that ey knew would dog em throughout the rest of the day. -This time, however, Ioan awoke before dawn to a small, furry form crawling into bed with em, whispering for em to scoot over. Some sleepy part of em remembered that Douglas had locked down the ACLs to all unannounced visitors shortly after ey'd arrived with the news. +At some point during the night, May had apparently slid as carefully as she could from eir arms, bundled herself up in a second set of covers, and curled up at the far edge of the mattress. A muffled sniffle showed her to be awake. -All except May, apparently. +``You okay, May?'' ey asked, sitting up beside her. -Ey shifted the pillow ey'd been hugging out of the way and held the covers up for her to squirm beneath them and fit herself comfortably against eir front, draping them back over them both as ey got eir arms around her. Ey was too tired to do anything other than mumble a quiet greeting, and she didn't seem all that keen on talking either, so they simply dozed with each other for another few hours. +She shook her head. -With the sun warming the far wall of the room, they woke slowly, May squirming around enough to face em so that she could press her nose to eirs. +``Alright. Can I hug?'' -``Good morning, my dear.'' +A pause, and then another shake of the head. -``Morning, May. Surprised to see you here.'' +``That's okay,'' ey said, doing eir best to keep disappointment out of eir voice. ``I'll go get some stuff pulled together for while I'm out. Want a cup of coffee?'' -She shrugged, nosed her way down beneath eir chin. ``I woke up early feeling well enough to come by, but did not want to wake you.'' +She nodded before pulling the covers up and over her head. -``Or wait?'' +That was probably a good enough sign for em to get up. If the skunk was already to the point of being nonverbal, it wouldn't do either of them any good to try and keep talking, regardless of how much ey wanted to address her every need. -``I missed you, Ioan, why would I wait?'' +Coffee was a good first priority, though, and easily sorted. It was something ey could start and finish with little thought and which had a tangible outcome, a little bit of success rather than some ill-defined end-state. -Ey nudged at her snout with eir chin. ``Well, I missed you too, so it works out. Just surprised to see you here so soon.'' +While waiting, ey pinged Douglas to let him know what was going on and to request a spot to sleep. After a moment's hesitation, ey sent End Waking a quick message, as well. Ey received simple acknowledgements from both. -``I am not feeling spectacular, but I am feeling well enough to not be alone. Now does not feel like a good time to be alone.'' She leaned back enough to smile at em, and though it was a little shaky and her face was still a mess, ey was pleased to see that it was earnest. ``Are you okay, though? I do not imagine it was the best of times for this to happen.'' +Ey doctored the skunk's coffee to her liking and returned to the room to set it down on the bedside table closest to her, taking a cue from True Name and moving noisily enough that she'd know ey was there without being obnoxiously loud. -Remembering eir conversation with Sarah only two days back, ey checked the urge to refocus the conversation on her, instead saying, ``It was a little rough, yeah. I got in touch with Sarah and set up an emergency thing a few hours after I got here.'' +A moment's thought was spent on shifting the weather in the sim to something warmer, more springlike. Ey'd heard enough kvetching about the snow the last few days to figure that might help as well. -``I am sorry, Ioan.'' +From there, ey spent half an hour queuing up some meals for her, working in a cone of silence. Things that she'd mentioned as comfort foods in the past, all things that ey could cook emself or create in-sim through something acquired on the exchange. Chicken soup, mashed potatoes, more poor-skunk's-risotto. -``Hush, it's not on you. Plus, I canceled the last one, so it was good to catch up with her about what's going on, if only in very general terms. I guess I just kind of overflowed a little, myself. Everything's been so stressful the last few weeks and I didn't feel like I could do anything about it.'' +While ey was prepping and stocking the food, another thought occurred to em. It was unlikely, but True Name might need to come back to the house, either to create more goods or to sleep or just to get out of the elements. To keep this from bothering May while she took the time she needed, ey shifted the ACLs of the house to be owner-only, so that those trying to enter would have to specifically request access, then stepped just inside the other bedroom's door and created a new entry-point for True Name so that she could go just to the bedroom without entering the rest of the house. -``And did you come to any conclusions?'' +True Name sent a curt ping of acknowledgement when ey sent the information over via sensorium message. -``Not particularly, but you know how it goes,'' ey said. ``Talked a bit about next steps, at least, about how I should probably make sure that I take care of myself, too.'' +Ey tried not to let it rankle. Everything felt so confined and restricted. So much of eir circle of friends was out in the world and so few of them came over with any frequency that to suddenly have even those ey was closest to—romantically in the case of May, and by friendship and sheer proximity in the case of True Name—requesting eir absence felt like ey was being cut off from everyone. -She laughed. ``Yes, you should.'' +``Which isn't true,'' ey mumbled to emself while packing up eir notes. ``Security's one thing, but it's not like everyone's inaccessible. Keeping everyone safe doesn't mean cutting off contact for yourself, Ioan.'' -They lay in silence for a few minutes, May simply relaxing in eir arms while ey tried to decide how much else to share from the impromptu appointment. +Ey looked down to eir small stack of notebooks and the three-pen case resting atop it and sighed. ``And talking to yourself doesn't count.'' -\emph{She's here and we have time, might as well,} ey thought +With that, ey peeked in the bedroom one last time. May had sat up and was staring dully down into her mug of coffee, blanket worn like a hooded robe. Her cheek-fur was already streaked with tears. -``We also talked about your thoughts on merging down. Don't want to overwhelm you, though, if you're not up for talking about that.'' +``I'm going to head out, May. Douglas's, as usual. Be safe, okay?'' -``I was going to bring it up later, myself. I have had further thoughts.'' +\emph{Okay,} she signed. -``Shall you go first, or I?'' +``Need anything else before I go?'' -``You, please.'' +\emph{Hug.} -Ey nodded. ``Alright. It wound up being more about jealousy than anything, and what it was that I was actually feeling protective of when it came to the idea. Some of it is the fact that we've built a pretty good life together, and it took a lot of work. I'm not sure how I feel about her having the memories of that.'' +Ey nodded and stepped further into the room, leaning in to get eir arms around the skunk. She didn't return the gesture, but did at least push her snout up under eir chin momentarily before leaning away. Given the tightness in her face, ey suspected an onslaught of emotion was only just being held at bay. -``End Waking said much the same, that he had put all his effort into his penance and that he would like her to come by that through her own work.'' +``Love you, May. Lots and lots.'' -``Pretty similar, yeah. I'd be really happy for her if she built a life that included the happiness and comfort outside of work that we have, but a large part of me wants her to come by that honestly. The other bit that Sarah brought up was whether or not I was worried that her incorporating your memories of us together would lead to her feeling about me the way you do.'' +She managed to sign an I-love-you before pulling the `hood' of blankets down enough to hide her face. -There was a long silence after that. Ey did eir best to quell eir impatience. With how much the topic had been weighing on em over the last few days, ey desperately wanted to hear her side of it, as well. +Knowing she'd only resent em if ey lingered or touched her again, ey clutched eir notebooks to eir chest, waved, and quickly stepped out to the field of dandelions and grass. The light and heat were a shock, and ey stood, swaying, for a moment, simply squinting out to the horizon. -Finally, she said, ``I have been thinking about that quite a bit since the topic came up, but only from my point of view. I did not think about how it might feel for you, for which I apologize.'' +Ey queued up a message to Douglas and murmured, ``I'm here, but going for a walk, first,'' before heading away from the house. -Ey shook eir head. ``You've had a lot going on. What thoughts did you have on it, though?'' +There was nothing out there. No destination. No variance in the rolling hills of well-tended grass and the yellow suns of dandelions. The only break at all in the landscape was Douglas's house, and ey kept that at eir back. -``I have also been trying to pick apart my jealousy. I have said in the past that I am not opposed to you finding companionship with others, whether romantic or sexual or whatever. I am starting to think, though, that that would only apply to a type of companionship that does not overlap with what you and I have. I want nothing more than for you to feel fulfilled, my dear, and if that means finding fulfillment for the areas that I do not cover, I would only ever be pleased.'' She sighed, thought for a moment longer, and then continued more quietly, ``For someone to feel about you precisely what I do, even if it is tempered by other memories, is too close to the devotion that I am most protective of.'' +As ey walked, ey considered what it meant to overflow. Was it just an Odist thing? Certainly some aspects of it were. The way that Codrin described Dear's manic forking, each instance left with simply a shard of its personality, felt very Dear. May, End Waking, and True Name's overflowing all sounded uniquely them, as well, and A Finger Pointing mentioned that hers was different still, though had declined to expand on it. -``Have you changed your mind on merging?'' +But here ey was, feeling like all of the stress of the last day, of the last few weeks had filled em up to overflowing. Presented with the sudden silence and stillness of the field, ey realized just how much ey'd been running on desperation and borrowed time. -``I do not know, Ioan. I go back and forth on the issue and at the moment, rather more back than forth.'' She giggled, licked at eir chin, adding, ``Or forth than back. The metaphor fails.'' +With the slightest break in the pressure, that loan was called due. -``You took that one a bit far, yeah,'' ey said, laughing. ``But I think I'm too tired to talk about this much more. Did you have coffee before coming over?'' +Realizing that ey couldn't see the subtle rises in the land for the tears in eir eyes, ey simply sat down in the grass and cried. \emph{If I am overflowing,} some remote part of em thought, \emph{then I can certainly see the appeal to it. Catharsis indeed.} -``I did not. If you make me a cup, I will love you forever.'' +Though there was certainly nothing ey could have done to stop it, ey decided to just own it and let it take its course, hollering curses into the cone of silence ey had the presence of mind to set up, clutching at the grass to keep emself anchored to the ground. Ey'd watched a good friend (for that's what True Name was, wasn't she?) nearly get assassinated in front of em, had dealt with eir partner's lingering resentment towards her down-tree instance come into conflict with her constant presence, had watched May push True Name to near catatonia after encouraging her to accept a century and a half's worth of memories from End Waking. Ey had watched both overflow in the span of a few hours. -Ey nudged her out of bed so that ey could get up as well, saying, ``I thought you were going to do that anyway, but I guess a cup of coffee is a small price to pay.'' +And when ey stopped cycling over the last two weeks, ey simply wept for the sheer relief it provided. -Douglas had beaten them to the coffee pot, which made the process all the easier. +When ey'd cried emself out and cleaned emself up, ey levered emself up off the ground and trudged back toward the house. The least ey could do was say hi and get another cup of coffee. -``Hey, May,'' he said, returning the offered hug and kissing her cheek. ``Figured that was you this morning. Feeling better?'' +Douglas Hadje was sitting on the stoop of his house, waiting for em. -She nodded and slumped down into a chair, cradling her coffee in both paws. ``Mostly, yes. I am still below baseline, but it was more important that I see you two than to return all the way.'' +``Hey, Douglas. Sorry about that.'' -``Well, glad to see you made it through.'' +He stood and offered em a hug, which ey accepted gratefully. ``No worries, walks are good too. How's May?'' -``You will not quit me so easily, Douglas Hadje, doctor of incredibly boring things. How are you, though? Has Ioan caught you up on everything?'' - -``I think so, yeah. Ey, Debarre, and End Waking did. Assassins, mergers, Jonas being terrible, Zacharias. Did I miss anything?'' - -She shook her head. ``That is the whole of it, I think. We continue to be dramatic about everything we do.'' - -He laughed. ``I mean, not going to deny that, but I'm also going to put a large part of this on Jonas, rather than you all.'' - -``Do you have any thoughts on it?'' - -``Besides the fact that you're all nuts?'' - -``Yes, well, that is indisputable. I would merge down with you if I could to give you a taste of it, but alas, it does not work that way.'' - -Douglas lifted his cup in a toast. ``For which I'm grateful. It sounds like a nightmare.'' - -``Yes, yes. Such is the life of an Odist.'' - -``Beyond that, though, I don't know, I don't want to lose any of you. I don't have the history with True Name that you guys do, so all I've just been thinking of her in terms of Michelle and Sasha.'' - -``You've been talking to Debarre too much,'' Ioan said. ``\,`Michelle and Sasha', I mean.'' - -Douglas's face fell. ``I never got to meet her, but from what everyone's said, it sounds like the split was pretty evident.'' - -``It was,'' May said. ``While I do not speak of her that way, Debarre is not wrong to do so.'' - -``Why not?'' - -The skunk shrugged and lapped at her coffee. ``Back when I was her, I did not think of myself that way. True Name did not think of herself that way. I know Hammered Silver does, and I am sure that others do as well. It is accurate, enough. Both can be true at once.'' - -``I wonder what would happen if all of you were able to merge back down into one instance again,'' he mused. ``Would that get close to being her?'' - -May fell silent, looking out the window at the fields over the rim of her mug. - -``I do not know,'' she said eventually. Her voice sounded far away, older than Ioan had ever heard it sound before. ``I wish I did, but I do not know.'' +``She's\ldots well, she'll get by. I just hope it doesn't last too long. Thanks for letting me stay. Please tell me you put coffee on.'' diff --git a/mitzvot/content/026.tex b/mitzvot/content/026.tex index 1393d50..c5d55b6 100644 --- a/mitzvot/content/026.tex +++ b/mitzvot/content/026.tex @@ -1,265 +1,139 @@ -\begin{center}\rule{0.5\linewidth}{0.5pt}\end{center} +\hypertarget{debarre-2350}{% +\chapter{Debarre — 2350}\label{debarre-2350}} +\markboth{Debarre — 2350}{} -``She's still not back?'' +Neither Debarre nor End Waking had visited Michelle's field in decades, and certainly not since it had become Douglas's. End Waking had last seen it on the day that she had quit in 2306, and had had little desire to return since. There were no dandelions in the forest; he had specifically requested so from Serene. -May shook her head, tugging Ioan by the hand over to their beanbag. ``Not yet. I would like another day before we go seeking her out, though, okay?'' +It had been much longer for Debarre, going clear back into the 2200s, back when Michelle and Sasha were still alive and coherent enough to speak to without getting overwhelmed into silence every few minutes. The memories of her were painful enough as it was—that last visit with her in End Waking's forest especially—that he'd never had the courage to come back, and then never a reason, which came with its own ache. -Ey nodded as ey let emself be tugged along. Relaxing for even just a few minutes with eir partner certainly sounded better than tramping out into the woods around the lake, and some part of em marveled at just how much ey felt like ey needed it. \emph{Some day,} ey thought. \emph{I'll stop being surprised at what May's made out of me.} +Given how much the clade that she'd left behind was struggling, though, it felt fitting to accept when Douglas invited him and End Waking over to talk with Ioan. -It wasn't so bad being hooked on touch and affection, though. Ey'd grown to cherish all of those little loving gestures, and flopping down on the beanbag to let May curl up on eir front and just do nothing sounded like an ideal way to spend a day if True Name was comfortable where she was out at Arrowhead Lake. +``Ey's in a funk, and from what ey says, I think you two are the only others that know why,'' he had said, paused, then added, ``Except maybe those I don't think any of us want to see.'' -With neither of them feeling all that keen on talking further, they simply lounged on the beanbag together, reveling in the spring-tinted sunlight. A little napping, a little petting on skunks, but mostly just calm and quiet. +Both of them stood still after arriving, just bathing in—or struggling against—the waves of memory that came with the sudden onslaught of warmth and sun and the baked goods scent of dandelions thick in the air. -It wasn't until nearly dinner that they stirred again, Ioan squirming until ey could sit up on the beanbag cross-legged, letting May lounge draped across eir lap. +Ioan greeted them at the door. Ey seemed happy enough, if tired. Still smiling and bowing to them as ey usually did. They finished their greetings and settled on the grass in front of the house along with Douglas, End Waking having refused to go inside. After, though, ey had stared down into eir glass of lemonade and spoke little. -``I have been thinking,'' May began, sounding more dozy than anything. ``But I would like to ensure you are willing to talk about this whole merger business before I shove us into a conversation.'' +Finally, Debarre nudged em gently with an elbow. ``Alright, Ioan, you're gonna need to spill it at some point, here. What's going on? All we were told is that you were feeling rough about the last few days.'' -``I can do that, sure.'' +Ey sighed and plucked a dandelion. ``Right, sorry, you two. Or three, I guess. I know I've been a bit of a mope of late. You alright to talk about True Name?'' -``Would it be unfair of me to merge down?'' +``Ioan, I appreciate you asking, but please do not worry about us,'' End Waking chided. ``If we have come to help \emph{you}, you need not spare our feelings. We can pretty well guess who would be at the center of this.'' -``Unfair how?'' +``I'm pretty sure it's me, actually,'' ey said with a wry smile. ``I've been stuck between May and True Name for days now, or years if you count the time since the convergence and I started trying to smooth things out with the coffee dates. -She shrugged. ``There are three of us in the equation, are there not? For me to merge down takes the uniqueness of our relationship away from the two of us and turns it into a burden for her.'' +``I've just been struggling with it all. It's been too much from the moment everything with True Name happened. The last few days were the worst, though. True Name didn't really handle the merge all that well. She collapsed and was nearly unresponsive for several hours, and since then, she's been struggling to integrate various chunks of memories.'' -Ey nodded and teased a few fingers through her fur. ``I can see that, I guess. Even if it's not something that she acts on, or if she even does anything with the memories, whatever you feel about us becomes something she can feel too.'' +``My feelings towards her work? That I built my identity around not being her?'' -``Yes. As I mentioned, I am perhaps jealous of that. I would like what we have to be our own.'' +``That and your relationship with Debarre.'' -``I think we agree on that. How do you mean `unfair', though?'' +The weasel and skunk both looked at each other, ears splayed. -She twisted around until she could poke her nose on em. ``Because it would be an act that I would take. Even if we all were to agree, it is me that is changing our relationships. I would be the one taking away that uniqueness and turning it into a burden.'' +``I'd thought of that, but, uh\ldots{}'' Debarre cleared his throat. ``Well, actually hearing it put like that casts it in a bit of a different light.'' -Ioan tugged the skunk up a little further until ey could get eir arms around her. Something about her words didn't sit right with em, and ey needed at least a little bit of time to think it out. +``I hope that she does not mind the memories of sex to go along with the resentment,'' End Waking said, then laughed when Debarre poked him in the side. ``We are all adults here, my dear.'' -Perhaps she was still overflowing, in a way. At the tail end of it, sure, but every time in the past, she had waited until she was essentially feeling better before fetching em back from Douglas's, whereas this morning, she seemed to have forced herself out of that state, rightfully or otherwise, to at least not be alone. +``I'm the baby, I think,'' Douglas said. ``I'm seventy-two.'' -There was some slight distortion here, though, a way of thinking that didn't quite mesh with her personality. Ey agreed to an extent, but it was her framing that was bothering em most. +``So young.'' The skunk grinned. ``Debarre and I both have two centuries on you. Still, I am pretty sure that we can acknowledge the existence of sex, is what I mean.'' -``So,'' ey began, choosing eir words carefully. ``I did say that I'm really starting to not feel so great about the idea, but I'm not totally sure I agree with how much of that you're putting on yourself. You sound preemptively guilty.'' +``And it doesn't exactly sound like she's a stranger to that herself, anyway.'' -May squirmed out of eir grasp to sit on the beanbag alongside em, elbows on knees and face in paws. +End Waking blinked, taken aback. ``She actually told you about Zacharias?'' -``I'm sorry, May. Maybe this isn't--'' +``Who?'' Douglas asked. -``No, you are right,'' she mumbled, sounding miserable. It tugged at eir emotions to the point where ey had to restrain emself from tugging her back in for a hug, though her posture kept em at bay. ``I am not at baseline yet. Nothing makes sense. It is like having my emotions refracted through a glass of water. I probably should not even be talking about it.'' +``An\ldots erstwhile lover, as she put it,'' Ioan said carefully. ``I probably shouldn't go too much into that, though.'' -``It's important, I just don't want you to push yourself if you're not out of the rough patch yet.'' +``Agreed,'' Debarre said. ``But as you were saying, she was having trouble?'' -``Right, yes.'' She sighed, pushing herself wearily off the pouf. ``Everything feels so urgent, though. I feel like we must have this conversation now if we are to have it, or else the opportunity will evaporate. I know that it does not work that way, that this is not logical of me, but this is not a logical time.'' +``Yeah. I wasn't expecting her to get completely taken out, but May did kind of force it on her all in one go. She lasted a few days, but I think she was pushing herself pretty hard to appear strong. She crashed really hard yesterday and, despite a pretty pleasant morning, had to step out to Arrowhead Lake, and when she came back, she looked like she was about ready to start yelling at us. May was also trying to stick around as long as she could, I think, since she crashed almost immediately. We made it through the night, but she couldn't even speak this morning.'' -Scooting to the edge of the beanbag, Ioan stood as well. ``I know. We have months before we run up against Jonas's deadline, but if he's sending assassins after True Name, it sure does make it feel urgent.'' +``That's a shitload to have to deal with, yeah.'' -The skunk padded over to the kitchen, swiping a few of the dishes that Ioan had left prepared into being, lining them up in a row. ``Yes, and I cannot easily let that go. I want her to be other than she is specifically to not be so under his thumb. I want her to be better than she is to be less of what she has become, and yet even those thoughts feel like distortions. Choose your plate, my dear.'' +Ey nodded. ``Friend almost gets assassinated, almost goes crazy from a merge, and disappears. Partner freaks out after a conversation, then freaks out when the merge goes sideways and mentions she was thinking of merging down, herself, then requests that I disappear. It's just\ldots a lot.'' -Ey picked one mostly at random, winding up with a grilled cheese sandwich and some soup. ``I had been wondering as to your reasons. I felt like the idea just kind of popped into my mind based on what she was talking about at the time, what with Zacharias and all, but it came at such an inopportune time for me to actually ask why. Is it\ldots I mean, do you feel the need to fix things like we've been talking about with me?'' +``Wait, \emph{May} wanted to merge down?'' Douglas said. ``Wasn't expecting that.'' -She hesitated, sighed, shook her head. ``I do not know, Ioan.'' +``Well, I don't know quite how much `wanted' fits, but I asked if she was thinking about it and she said yes. I couldn't quite piece together why, though. After End Waking merged down, she mentioned that there was at least a part of her that was feeling vengeful, so I think I was worried that maybe she was considering piling on her own vengeance, or that maybe she would be trying to help make her a better person.'' Ey shrugged and added, ``Or both. She did seem to have True Name's best interests at heart when she forced the merge. At least mostly.'' -Ey nodded, letting the subject drop. It didn't seem open to discussion. +End Waking nodded. ``She did mention being torn, yes. She wanted to kick her out but also wanted to help her get away from Jonas.'' -May picked up a plate of mashed potatoes and asparagus, shooing em back to the dining room table. ``I just think that she has become so singular a person that she cannot but be controlled by Jonas. Her role in guiding the System is no less real; she did the work that she does and she did it both well and proudly. But she built herself into a tool without realizing it, and over the centuries, Jonas has been teaching himself to use that to his advantage, to use her as a tool.'' +``She's certainly softening on her.'' -``And rounding her out more with merges would help make her more of a generalist?'' +``And how're you taking it?'' Debarre asked. Something about Ioan—eir posture, eir face, something—made it seem like this was the question ey was dreading the most. -Laughing, she set her plate down, tugged out her chair, and fell heavily into it. ``Generalist is a very utilitarian way to put it. You are not wrong in that it would allow her to be more than a unitasker, but it would also make her more of a person, harder to control. Someone as focused as her is easy to pin down.'' +There was a long silence before ey answered. ``It's really getting to me. I don't even know why, either. I think it honestly would help True Name in the end if it were just May merging down, but having that be the case with her memories of us together feels like\ldots well, it kind of makes me jealous. Those are our memories that we made together. Our fights and good times, our affection--'' -``I would've thought she'd see that coming, though.'' +``Probably most of the memories, there,'' Debarre stage-whispered, getting a smirk out of Ioan. -``Well, you have heard what she has said. She has been fed bad information by her spies--'' +``Yeah. Our affection and our sex, too, for that matter. Suddenly, True Name would have all that. I think it also started grating on me because of how\ldots real End Waking's was. It wouldn't just be a library for her perusal, but she will have actually lived them. She will have actually--'' Ey frowned, as though digging for the words. -``And the other True Names. At least \#Castor.'' +``She'll have actually loved you, maybe?'' Debarre guessed. -She frowned, finished chewing on her asparagus. ``There is also that, yes. It is a guess, but I think you are right. How and why he managed to work them into this plan to only subvert this instance of her is another question that I think we would all like an answer to. All the same, she has been fed bad information and had aspects of her life leveraged against her, and now, for whatever reason, Jonas is making his power-grab.'' +Eir face fell and ey sighed. ``Yeah. That. Putting it that way makes it feel terrible, but it's exactly that.'' -``Aspects of her life meaning Zacharias?'' +``I was pulling back when she and Zacharias were getting close,'' End Waking said, sounding thoughtful. ``And I have been her. We were both Michelle. I know that she is capable of experiencing romantic feelings. They will not be alien to her.'' -``Yes,'' she said. ``I will not call it a weakness, even as awful as he sounds. To have a relationship is not a weakness.'' +``And now she's been \emph{you,}'' Debarre added. ``And you've got romantic feelings, too. At least, I hope so.'' -Ey chuckled, dipping the corner of eir sandwich into the soup. ``That's a very May statement.'' +End Waking pushed him over onto the ground. ``If you imply that I do not have romantic feelings for you again, I will make you hunt our meals for a week.'' -``Of course it is,'' she said primly, stabbing another spear of asparagus before biting off the top. ``But this is yet more guesswork. I cannot say for sure that Zacharias is purely working in the hands of Jonas, but from all that she has said to me, I do not think I am too far off the mark.'' +He laughed. ``Love you too, E.W.'' -They ate in silence for a few minutes. +``What I am saying, though, is that it will not be alien to her. She will have experienced love for others, and the loss of that love. She will have already experienced love for others through another's memories and experiences, even. You can trust her to integrate that, I believe.'' -While ey didn't mind May's ideas of comfort food, they were not especially well spiced. This was mostly by design, ey suspected, as eating spicy or sour foods when one has been (or still is) crying sounded unpleasant. Still, there was much to be said about the comfort of a good grilled cheese dipped in soup. +``Even though she was struggling with integrating those memories of yours?'' -``But yes,'' the skunk continued once she'd cleaned her plate. ``There was some aspect of vengeance to my and End Waking's plan, but now I just want her away from Jonas. I do not know yet whether or not I like her or want her to stay in our lives in any way, shape, or form, but I do know that I want her away from him. I want her to live and to--'' +``Perhaps especially so. I think that she is struggling because it clashes with her personality, not that she feels that she might love Debarre. Though, my dear,'' he said, nodding to Debarre, ``I can guarantee that just about every Odist is at least a little in love with you.'' -Both Ioan and May jolted in their seats as a flash of adrenaline ran through them. A view of a forest, a lake shore, pile of wood not yet lit, and, sitting on a log across from that, another furry. His facial structure was very similar to Dear's but where the fennec had wound up with that pristine white fur, he had ruddy orange except for the white on the underside of his chin and a dark apostrophe of fur on either side of his snout. Where Dear had wound up with almost absurdly large ears, his felt far more in proportion, along the lines of May's and True Names, though far pointier. +He shook his head and waved the comment away. ``Yeah, yeah.'' -One thing Dear and this new fox did share in common was the snappy dress. Where Dear had wound up in a sharp androgyny, though, the red fox had turned it into a prim masculinity that was, ey had to admit, quite effective. Black trousers, a white shirt and charcoal waistcoat, and a suit jacket. It was topped off with a simple tie and affected cane, currently being twirled lazily between black-furred paws. +More than one of them had confessed as much to him over the centuries, and it wasn't until he'd actually conceded that something about End Waking landed in that sweet spot of attraction and personality match enough to at least try dating that they'd stopped. He was thankful that they seemed happy enough to live vicariously through him. He had liked Sasha and Michelle, loved her in that sympatico that true friends can share, friends who had shared trauma, so he didn't begrudge them their feelings, but any more felt pretty far out of his league as a gay man. -It was just a glimpse, less than a second's worth of sensorium input, but enough for em to make a guess. +Instead, he nudged Ioan with his elbow again. ``So if you don't need to worry about it from True Name's side, and you know you're worrying about it from your own side, how do you feel about it from May's point of view?'' -``Is that Zacharias? Wait! May! Oh, God damnit.'' +``How do you mean?'' -The skunk had already stepped away +``Well, do you have any worries about her? Do you think she does? Has she talked about it at all?'' -``We have guests!'' Zacharias said, standing up and dusting off his trousers. ``I was not expecting guests. How cheeky.'' +``Not much. She said she'd been considering it, but that seeing how the current merge was making her struggle had her in doubt. I told her I want to make sure it'd be consensual on everyone's behalf, this time. I guess--'' -True Name was still kneeling before the pile of wood in what had clearly become her firepit. ``I am trying to imagine a world in which I should trust you enough to be alone with you,'' she growled. ``And failing.'' +``Whoa, wait,'' Douglas interrupted, frowning. ``She didn't even talk with True Name about this merge?'' -``Spicy, tonight, are we not?'' He grinned, turning to bow extravagantly to Ioan and May. ``Mx. and Mrs.~Bălan, I presume?'' +``They talked a few times in a cone of silence, so maybe then, but otherwise not that I saw. She just stopped True Name in the middle of ranting about her calling and sent End Waking a message to merge, far as I could tell.'' -``We are not married,'' May said, growling nearly as well as True Name. ``What the fuck are you doing here?'' +``That's kind of shitty.'' -``Oh, just popping in to say hi, is all,'' he said cheerily. ``Zacharias, by the way. Nice to meet you, Ioan. My dear May Then My Name, it has been more than two hundred years!'' +Ey shrugged. ``I suppose, but no need to pile on her or anything, I think she's beating herself up over it worse than any of us could do.'' -``Well, hi,'' she said. ``Now get out.'' +Douglas nodded. ``Well, that bit I believe. Think that contributed to her overflowing?'' -``Oh, I just got here, though!'' He pouted, looking between the three of them. Then the smirk returned, along with a wicked glint to his eye. ``Besides, what are you going to do about it, my dear? Bounce me?'' +``Almost certainly, yeah. Correct me if I'm wrong, End Waking, but while I don't think it's solely tied to external events, they can have an effect on it.'' -May frowned, but remained silent, arms crossed over her chest. None of them had the ACLs for such. +The skunk nodded. He'd started panting in the heat of the sun, so it took him a moment to reply. ``It comes over us like a wave. Some of us more quickly than others. It is slower in onset for me than for either of them, I suspect.'' -``Right, I thought not. Well! Have a sit, I was just saying hi to True Name, but what's another two asses in seats?'' +Debarre chimed in. ``I usually have a few days warning. I've gotten mine already and was planning on heading out today, but we both wanted to come, anyway.'' -Neither Ioan nor May moved. +``Is it hard for you?'' -``Well, fuck you, too, then,'' he said, laughing, and sat back down. ``So, True Name, my little stink bug, how are you? Roughing it out here?'' +End Waking held up a paw. ``I want to respect Debarre's decision to share or not, but I would prefer not to be here for this conversation.'' -The skunk glowered down to the striker and knife, quickly sparking up a coal in the leaf-litter tinder she'd gathered. She blew on it a few times before setting it in a pile of larger kindling. ``I am on vacation. What the fuck does it look like?'' +``Sorry, End Waking. You don't need to answer, Debarre.'' -``Like you are roughing it.'' +The weasel shrugged. ``No, it's fine. E.W. and I have talked about it, and I get where he's coming from. It can wait.'' -She rolled her eyes. +``Yes. He is not disallowed. We simply have our own, separate conversations about that, and it is important to me that Debarre feel comfortable talking about me with his friends, too. I cannot be the only one in his life.'' -``Look, why are you really out here?'' Ioan asked. ``Clearly it isn't just to say hi, and clearly you got access somehow. Got news from Jonas or something?'' +``Alright, makes sense. May's said similar, for that matter.'' Ey toyed with the flower ey'd plucked before, saying, ``We actually talked about other relationships shortly before this all went down, about how she'd act if she started to fall for someone else and how she'd feel if I did. One thing we didn't talk about was someone else having feelings for either of us, whether or not they'd come about them on their own or through a merger.'' -``Very perceptive!'' Zacharias said, grinning happily. ``Just out here checking up on True Name to see if she has any further thoughts on our little gathering.'' +``I'm sure there's shitloads of people in love with May Then My Name,'' Debarre said, laughing. ``But she's good at having that conversation, and you're both good at talking, so.'' -``Checking up on someone you tried to assassinate?'' +``Too good, perhaps.'' End Waking stood. ``I am overheating and feeling restless, so I am going to return to the forest. Ioan, I do wish you the best, and I would like you to keep in touch as you are able. I am concerned about your partner, as well as for True Name, in my own way. Please keep yourself safe so that you can keep the both of them safe in turn.'' -``Oh goodness, not me! You can place the blame for that squarely on Jonas.'' +Ioan nodded and stood as well to bow to the skunk. ``Thanks. It really does mean a lot. I'll keep you in the loop, if nothing else.'' -May laughed humorlessly. ``Right, and poor Zack just had to sit by and--'' +After returning the bow, End Waking held out a paw to Debarre. ``Can you return with me? Just for a few minutes.'' -The fox was up in a flash and, with a back-handed swipe, slapped the skunk across the muzzle, getting a yelp out of her and a shout out of Ioan. ``You do not have permission to use that name,'' he hissed. - -It took Ioan a few seconds to process what had just happened, but then fury welled up within em faster than any other emotion ey'd felt before. Had ey ever even felt fury before? A small part of em marveled at the unfamiliar feeling. - -The rest was already swinging. - -The blow never landed. Ioan found emself stumbling backwards several paces. Zacharias stumbled back in the opposite direction. Both of them shouted and worked to regain their footing. - -The two new instances of May that had appeared, partially overlapping with where they had once stood, winked out of existence. ``Yes, yes,'' she drawled, taking Ioan's hand in one paw to hold em back while the other rubbed at her muzzle. ``We all know you are good at what you do. Get to the point.'' - -With a huff, the fox stood up straighter, smoothing out his rumpled clothing. ``Right. True Name. Are you coming tonight? If not, when shall we expect you?'' - -The skunk shook her head, still glowering. ``I am not coming tonight, no. If I have been given the luxury of a year to meet,'' she said, tone dripping with sarcasm. ``Then we will meet when I say we meet.'' - -``If you say so.'' Zacharias was back to smirking. That hatred still bubbling within Ioan urged em to consider just how delightfully punchable that expression was. ``Well, we will look forward to it, then, I suppose! And you two will be there as well, yes?'' - -``Your piece of shit boss hired me, didn't he?'' - -``That he did, Mx. Bălan! That he did.'' He turned to May, eyebrows raised expectantly. - -``Yes, I will be there,'' she said. Her hackles were still up, free paw still bunched into a fist. - -``And End Waking? Would not want the stanza to be incomplete, would we?'' He grinned broadly to True Name, ``And no, my little stink bug, you do not count.'' - -``He has not answered yet,'' she said. She'd regained her composure, staring at Zacharias steadily. ``We will speak with him. Tell Jonas message received and leave me the fuck alone.'' - -He once more bowed with a flourish. ``I live to serve, Rintrah my dear!'' he said, sing-song. ``Any other messages for me to relay while hungry clouds swag on the deep?'' - -``Yes, tell Jonas to quit sending his most foppish lackeys,'' she shot back. - -``But my dear! I am here specifically to drive the point home! You are in so far over your head that even `little loverfox' is a part of your fate.'' He laughed gleefully. ``Oh, it sounds so evil, does it not? Cartoonishly so! There is no way that I can even begin to talk about this without sounding like a mustache-twirling villain. That I might say things like `encompass your doom' just tickles me pink. We will see you soon, yes?'' - -True Name nodded. ``Yes. Now, fuck off.'' - -``Righto!'' He turned and winked to May, adding, ``So wonderful to see you again. Cannot say I share your taste in partners, but times change, I suppose. Mx. Bălan, I look forward to speaking soon.'' - -And with that, he stepped out of the sim. - -May's shoulders slumped. She let go of eir hand, padded over to kneel beside True Name, and hugged around her shoulders. ``I am sorry, my dear.'' - -True Name did not return the gesture. No surprise, perhaps; neither she nor End Waking were all that big on touch. Instead she said, ``I apologize, you two. I do not know how they got the address to the sim.'' - -Ioan cursed. ``Guess that does mean it's compromised.'' - -She nodded. - -May leaned away from the hug, but took one of True Name's paws in her own. ``Come home,'' she said, voice and expression earnestly worried. ``Please. I know it is uncomfortable, but I do not want you out here alone.'' - -The skunk stared into the fire for almost a full minute, then looked off to the lake and nodded. ``Yes, I suppose you are right.'' She smiled faintly and added, ``I could also use a shower and a night's sleep on a real mattress. Perhaps we can discuss expanding an outdoor portion of your sim tomorrow, Ioan. I do not want to impose too much, but, well\ldots{}'' She waved her paw at where Zacharias had stood. - -``Of course,'' ey said, still doing eir best to tamp down eir anger. ``I can find something simple on the market for the time being.'' - -True Name knelt by the fire for a moment longer before dousing the flames. - -Once they made it back to the house and True Name had showered, they sat around the dining table, each with a glass of wine from a bottle ey'd received years back. When True Name suggested that a drink was in order, Ioan and May readily agreed. - -Ioan couldn't guess why the two skunks had felt it was necessary, but ey needed something to try and blunt the edges of that anger that still spun within em. Ey wasn't sure ey'd ever truly felt fury before, but it turned out that watching eir partner get struck across the face was a really, really good way to bring out the emotion. - -Ey didn't like it at all. - -Once ey'd reached the bottom of eir glass, ey sighed and said, ``Alright. What the hell was that about?'' - -``Jonas felt the need to show a bit of muscle,'' True Name said, voice flat and dull. ``He wanted to rub it in my face that he still has Zacharias in his pocket, that he knows where I am. I do not think he actually cared about asking me when we would meet, he was just making his leverage felt. I suspect he was planning on you two showing up as well, now that I think about it.'' - -``Why?'' - -``To ensure that you also saw that power. If you two are to come to the meeting—as I think you must—then he wants you both to know that he will be there with a stacked deck.'' She rubbed a paw up over her snout, adding, ``I am sorry that you had to meet him.'' - -Ioan shook eir head. ``Was he always such an asshole?'' - -After a tense pause, the skunk shook her head. ``He was not, no. Witty, smart, sharp-tongued, yes. An asshole, no.'' - -``Well, not looking forward to seeing him again, either way.'' Ey felt that anger turn within em again, felt the heat of the wine only add to it. ``I don't know who he thinks he is, coming after you like that, May.'' - -The silence that followed was even more tense than the one before, both skunks looking down at the table, both tracing the grain of the wood with a claw-tip. - -``What?'' - -May sniffled, shrugged, then smiled weakly to em. ``I am pretty sure he thinks he is me, Ioan.'' - -Ey blinked as the pieces clicked into place, then slouched back in eir seat, feeling like the breath had been knocked out of em. ``Well, huh.'' - -``You see now why I was so upset?'' - -The thoughts wouldn't quite fit together in eir mind. Two gears with no matching teeth. ``I'm sorry, I'm, uh\ldots{}'' Ey cleared eir throat, suddenly parched. ``\emph{He's} one of your old relationship forks? With True Name?'' - -She shrugged again, sniffled again, looked back down to the table. - -``It is at least partly my fault,'' True Name said quietly. ``One of the earliest individuals I pointed May Then My Name towards was, without either of us realizing, one of Jonas's instances. He looked and spoke nothing like Jonas Prime, but was starting to get loud on the feeds. May Then My Name forked into a human form that we hoped would be appealing and became quite good friends with him, but I lost track of them both for several years. He stopped posting so much on the feeds, so I had little reason to worry about him, I thought.'' - -``You must understand, I was a very different person back then,'' May mumbled. ``This was systime 7 Back before I was\ldots me.'' - -Ey frowned, but nodded for them to continue. - -``So, a few decades later,'' True Name said. ``Secession is in the past, the council is heading towards dissolution, and I am starting to relax. More friends from phys-side uploaded, more furries figured out how to exist within the System as they would like, and I started to meet more people outside work. One of them just happened to be this fantastically well-dressed fox who was just as witty as I felt. We became friends, then we became a bit more.'' She shrugged. ``That instance of Jonas had\ldots well\ldots{}'' - -``Twisted. He twisted my fork into something that neither the me of today nor the me back then would have agreed to,'' May said bitterly and wiped at her face. ``He turned that version of me into a way of influencing True Name.'' - -``Yes. It was a long game. He drifted in and out of my life, over the centuries, and then, shortly before Launch, he showed up again and we began to get close. A few years after Launch, they took me out to dinner and dropped the whole thing on me all at once. I am told they did the same on each of the LVs as well, just with different framing.'' - -Eir head was swimming at the flood of information, and when rubbing eir face didn't work to clear it, ey willed the drunkenness away and waved a glass of ice water into being. ``Which I don't get. Why are you so overwhelmed here and not on the LVs?'' - -The skunk twisted her wine glass between her fingers for a few quiet moments. ``I have always been focused on continuity and stability. I think that Jonas was as well, enough to go along with the launch project, but once it was done and that continuity was assured, we here on Lagrange let them go their own ways—the Guiding Council on Pollux and the previous status quo on Castor—while he focused on cementing his power. They were safely away with minimal influence here.'' - -``Is that what this is all about?'' - -She nodded. ``We were in a steady state for many years after they explained everything. I was not happy, but I still liked the work that I had chosen and I did not know how to do anything else. It was the new tech from the Artemisians that pushed things over the edge. AVEC—Audio/Visual Extrasystem Communication—rather changes things and even though we agreed on what was to be done about it in a general sense, I think he does not want to risk his own specific vision not coming to fruition. He wants greater divergence, while I am more conservative.'' - -They sat in silence, then, while Ioan tried to digest this. Ey was still furious at Zacharias, but now that fury had gained a layer of what almost felt like despair that someone such as him might have their roots in eir May. - -At least it had all gone a long way towards explaining the dynamic on the three Systems. Who knew why the other True Names had decided to treat this one like they had, withholding valuable information, all but cutting her out of their plans. Clearly those few years between launch and Jonas and Zacharias's announcement had included additional shaping, both of her as well as the Systems. - -``Fuck.'' - -May kicked eir shin lightly beneath the table. ``Language, Mx. Bălan.'' - -True Name looked between them, then grinned. ``No, May Then My Name, Ioan is correct. Fuck.'' - -``The Only Time I Know My True Name Is When I Dream of the Ode clade, you watch your mouth,'' May growled. - -They all laughed. Ey couldn't help but. It was all too much, and the humor so perfectly timed to defuse eir anger that it had to be intentional. Some of that anger must have showed on eir face. - -\emph{Ah well, trust an Odist,} ey mused to emself. - -Aloud, ey said, ``You guys continue to be completely nuts. Thanks for explaining, though. I'm not going to figure it out tonight, so I'm going to have another glass of wine and space out on the couch.'' - -``Fantastic idea, my dear,'' May said. ``If I have to think about it anymore, I am going to start shedding and not stop until I am bald.'' - -Still grinning, True Name nodded. ``That is quite enough of the topic, yes. I am going to go outside for a bit and then I am going to go to bed.'' +He nodded and accepted that paw. He had a feeling he knew what was coming, so even just the touch as they stepped away from the sim was worth it. diff --git a/mitzvot/content/027.tex b/mitzvot/content/027.tex index 7c0e3b3..92cc0b0 100644 --- a/mitzvot/content/027.tex +++ b/mitzvot/content/027.tex @@ -1,201 +1,133 @@ -\begin{center}\rule{0.5\linewidth}{0.5pt}\end{center} +Sure enough, once they made it back to the forest, End Waking leaned over to nose at Debarre's cheek, pulled his paw away, and looked off into the woods. Whenever it was time for him to ask Debarre to leave, he'd go through a little swell of anxiety. -Ioan could have sworn that ey and May had gotten enough sleep the night before. Even with her waking em up before dawn, they'd then gone on to sleep until nearly nine. Rather late for them. +``I am sorry, my love. I know that it is not the easiest on you that I always do this.'' -Still, that night, they slept for more than ten hours. It had taken May a while to calm down by the time they did make it into bed, the skunk tossing and turning, first leaning in against em, then shifting away, as though the last bits of her overflowing spell kept her oscillating between wanting to be touched and not. Ey stayed quiet and still throughout, letting her decide what it was that she needed; ey was just happy to be back home. +``Hey, I said I was leaving today,'' he said as reassuringly as he could. ``It's not coming out of the blue.'' -Eventually, though, they settled down into their usual spots and made it to sleep. +End Waking nodded. ``You are always allowed to keep in touch.'' -It was almost certainly the stress from the day before, ey reasoned. So much had happened in so short a time. Even the time spent relaxing on the beanbag with May felt at least productive, even if it was just resting. So much had been packed into those last few hours, though, and so much emotion overall through the day, that sleep became an imperative. +``Mmhm.'' -True Name had spent most of the rest of the evening outside, dragging one of eir chairs from beneath the balcony to park herself in the yard. Despite the lingering vestiges of snow and the chill of the evening, she spent hours out there, either staring up into the sky or grooming bits of forest litter out of her fur. +``And you can drop by as long as you give me some notice, preferably a day.'' -Ey imagined that she must have made it into bed at some point, though she still woke well before them, as when they finally managed to pry themselves out of bed, there were two steaming coffee mugs sitting on the edge of the kitchen counter, one black and one sweet and creamy, and the skunk was once more sitting outside on the chair, tail wrapped around her feet and coffee held against her chest. +``I will.'' -Ioan sent her a gentle sensorium ping, just to let her know that they were awake, then sat at eir desk. Ey had no clue where to even begin, but if nothing else, ey had to have something comforting in front of em, something known. +``And if you hear from May Then My Name or Ioan, please let me know.'' -``Well, nothing for it,'' ey mumbled, swiped a new notebook into being, and began to compile notes from the last few weeks. The work ey'd already done on the topic was useful enough, but it was starting to feel like it was not directed enough in the face of all that had happened. +``E.W., shut up,'' Debarre said fondly. ``See you soon, okay?'' -Ey began with a timeline, starting all the way back at the arrival of the Artemisians and that first meeting with True Name, then followed with a list of the times they'd met for coffee through the years. Ey dug through eir memories for any that stood out as particularly interesting. These were primarily early on, ey found, when they were still feeling out each others' boundaries, though the last few before the assassination attempt held some fascinating insights in the context of all that had happened since, as well. +The skunk wilted, a look somewhere between relieved and resigned coming over his face. ``Yes. Soon. Thank you, my dear.'' -There was also information to fill in on the master timeline for the \emph{History}, as well. Information about Zacharias, about Jonas, about End Waking's divergence from True Name. +``Of course. Love you, E.W.'' -Finally, the last almost three weeks were laid out in much finer detail. The assassination attempt, the clearing of the house, the meeting with End Waking, all the way up through the meeting with Zacharias the night before. +``Love you too.'' -``Ioaaan,'' May whined, pawing feebly at eir arm. ``Hungryyy.'' +There was nothing else for it, then. With one last wave to the skunk (already heading off into the woods), he stepped back to the Hadjes' field. -``Hmm? You're a big skunk, you can make breakfast.'' +Ioan and Douglas were still standing where he'd left them, so he waved again. ``Sorry, back for a little bit.'' -She stood up from where she'd been crouched beside em, laughing. ``It is well on lunchtime, my dear. Come up for air.'' +``On your own again?'' Ioan asked. -``Wait, really?'' Ey frowned when ey checked the time. ``Great. Sorry about that, May.'' +He nodded. ``Yeah. It's been building up for a long time. We agreed I'd head off when the tent was done, and we just got the nets all hung yesterday. Hey, can we go inside, though? He was right, it's pretty fucking hot out here with fur.'' -They pulled together the remaining few dishes of comfort food and called out to True Name to invite her in for a meal. Ey chose the last of the poor skunk's risotto, added a healthy dusting of pepper, and got another cup of coffee to go with it. +Douglas laughed. ``I'll never get you guys, him all in black fur and you wearing black clothes over yours. Yeah, come on. There's more lemonade.'' -``Thank you for lunch,'' True Name said, once she'd eaten most of her pasta. ``When you have a moment, Ioan, I would like to see about expanding the sim as we discussed.'' +Ioan held back enough to let Douglas take the lead, falling in step with Debarre, instead. ``Does it bother you?'' -``Right, yeah. Sorry I got so distracted this morning.'' Ey browsed the markets for appropriate wide-open spaces ey could tack onto one of the borders of eir sim. Perhaps right beneath the skunk's window would be best. Ey could even extend the balcony and provide her with a set of stairs down into the space. ``Alright. What sort of environment? There's some pretty good plains and parks, an okay forest, hmm\ldots this mountain one isn't bad, but the trees are kind of planted in a grid.'' +``Hmm? E.W. asking me to leave?'' -She grinned. ``That sounds cheesy. However, let us go with a plain of some sort. I do not want to go back to a forest unless it is the one I remember, and a park would be too sterile. Is there nothing like Arrowhead Lake? Something with water?'' +``Yeah.'' -Ey dug a little further, an act more akin to remembering than any actual physical browsing. It let em finish eir lunch, at least. +He thought for a bit, then shrugged. ``Bothers, yeah, but that's really about it. Helps that I usually just quit and merge down with \#Tracker, so it's not like I've got \emph{just} the relationship to worry about. I've got my own stuff going on besides him, and other relationships that merge in every now and then.'' -``Alright, here's one that's a plain with a river and an oxbow lake. The landscape is just mirrored at the boundaries though, so it looks a little funny beyond the edges.'' +``That sounds handy, at least.'' -The skunk had perked up at the mention of the river and was already nodding. ``That will do quite nicely, my dear. Are you able to scale it so that it will be a good size, at least?'' +``His overflowing is also way less dramatic than May Then My Name's, which sounds pretty painful to watch.'' -``Sure. Do you want to set it up now?'' +Ioan nodded. -She shrugged. ``If you are willing, yes.'' +``Sorry, Ioan. Don't mean to keep it all on the surface for you.'' -``Can I modify your room to give you an entryway to the area?'' +Ey shrugged. ``I asked, it's alright.'' -``Please,'' she said gratefully. +Once they were all inside and Debarre had cooled off, Douglas asked, ``So what do you think about all this?'' -The three of them stood and walked into her room. Ey was somewhat crestfallen to see that ey really had just mirrored the view out of her window, as there was the chair she had been sitting in before lunch. That would mean ey'd have to place the new plot of land first, then modify the house again. +``\,`All this'?'' He laughed. ``Way too fucking much to say one way or another. Narrow it down?'' -Ah well, easy enough. +``Oh, I meant the stuff with End Waking merging down. I'm still stuck on May asking him to do that without talking it through with True Name, first.'' -Ey dumped a chunk of reputation into the purchase of the environment. Ey had plenty to spend and it wasn't very pricey, but it was still a noticeable ding, and ey was sure that Jonas would be keeping tabs on eir acquisitions. There was nothing to be done about it, though. +``Well, like I said, she was conflicted about it when she brought it up. Said she wanted her to disappear into ignor\ldots ignoble\ldots{}'' -The environment landed on eir mind much as a pending merge might, demanding to be placed somewhere. Ey instructed the sim to put it in the corner formed by the fence of their yard and True Name's bedroom, expanded to be a mile on a side. +``Ignominy?'' Ioan offered. -Once the pressure of the environment left eir mind, ey was free to instruct the sim to let the window view the new land, and from there to add an extension of the balcony, a second stairway down, and a door leading out from her room to the balcony. +``Right, yeah. But she also said that she wanted her to get out of this mess and away from Jonas, `that living, breathing sack of shit', in her words.'' -Ey slid the door open, beckoning to the two skunks. ``Alright, let's head out and check on it.'' +They laughed. -As promised, they were greeted with what looked to be an endless series of perfectly parallel rivers fading into the distance with the way the boundaries simply mirrored the empty plain on the sides. The fact that the oxbow lakes were also repeated set up a grid effect that was slightly unnerving. Thankfully, the effect disappeared when they went down the steps and into the grass itself. They found the grass to be fairly well made and the ground to be delightfully uneven; no small feat when it was so easy to make a perfectly flat plane. +``But I'd been thinking much the same, I guess. If she does disappear, I'd probably feel at least a little bit of vindication for the way she jerked us all around without us realizing it and all that shit she did with the Council. I'd also feel like there was a fraction less of my friend around, though, too. I love E.W., I'm happy he's in my life, we get along well for the most part, but there's also this layer of, like\ldots well, he was part of Sasha and Michelle, and they and I went through a lot together.'' -``I can maybe have the boundaries look like fog, if that helps. You'll have fog all the way around you, but at least no repeating rivers.'' +``You talk about those two facets like different people,'' Ioan said. ``Sorry, not to derail. Just that I noticed that. None of the Odists do.'' -Both skunks straightened up, alarmed, then shook their heads as one. +``Most, maybe. I picked it up from Hammered Silver, who spent probably more time with them than anyone. All their instances feel singular, I imagine, but they were two instances in one. Sasha was this really emotional, really caring person. It wasn't that Michelle wasn't, just that when she was at the fore, she was much more\ldots I don't know. Logical? Rational?'' -``Please do not, Mx. Bălan. This will be fine as is.'' +``And when it was both? When she was in flux, or whatever?'' -The formality in her voice and the stiffness of her tone did not invite em to continue the topic, so ey did eir best to drop it. ``Alright. Well, I guess we can give this a go for a bit and make changes if we need. The weather and sun are synced across the whole sim, so if you need it warmer or drier, just let me know.'' +``Then she was just tired,'' he said, smiling at memories. ``But right, before I totally lose track, you asked how I feel. Uh, I guess I feel scared.'' -True Name bowed. ``Thank you, Ioan. This will suit me quite well. It is a bit strange seeing a fence and part of a house, but at least that means I will be able to find my way back. May I have ACLs here?'' +Ioan furrowed eir brow. ``Really? -Ey nodded and made the grant. +``Yeah. That she collapsed made me confront the fact that, no, I don't really want her dead or anything, that I really would hate to lose her. Even if she's not the part of my friend I like the most, not a part that I even remember seeing before, she's still \emph{a} part of them.'' He hesitated, then added, ``And it changed E.W. Not the forking and merging itself, but that he even did that. It sounds like May Then My Name used the fact that True Name was all worked up to force her to accept the whole merge all at once. She kind of did the same with E.W. I don't know what her message was, but it looked like it scared the shit out of him, so he kind of did it without really thinking. They'd been talking about Zacharias the last few days, I do know that.'' -``Thank you once more.'' She smiled faintly and gave a hint of another bow. ``If you will excuse me, I would like to explore on my own. Perhaps we can catch up over dinner.'' +``Since her and True Name's conversation about him?'' -``Sure thing.'' +``Now that you mention it, yeah. He's been a bit different since.'' -May, who had been quiet up until then, said, ``Thank you for coming back.'' +``Different how?'' Douglas asked. -True Name tilted her head. ``It was not safe there, May Then My Name. This will be better.'' +``Like\ldots still all worried, and still a little in shock, but also like a little bit of a load was taken off. He's been a bit lighter. Silly, even. You heard him, though. He even said he's worried for her. I can't explain it, and we never really talked it through. It's not bad, but I can still tell.'' -``Yes, but thank you all the same.'' She laughed and waved a paw. ``I am sorry, disregard me. I am still not yet at baseline and it has me feeling emotional.'' +Ioan nodded and rubbed eir palms against the legs of eir slacks as ey always seemed to do during stressful conversations. ``He did seem a bit freer of speech today,'' ey mused. ``But that makes sense. He finally got to tell her how he feels, and they didn't even have to talk to each other.'' -The other skunk's expression softened and she leaned forward to give one of her paws a squeeze. It looked stiff and forced, but it was at least an attempt at a gesture that was more in line with May's mode of interacting. +``Has May Then My Name changed, too?'' -``I understand. I do not think I am there, yet, myself. I will see you at dinner, yes?'' +``I can't tell. She's been so wrapped up in trying to live around someone she doesn't really like, and then with all of the fallout from the merge. Maybe she has? She's at least been able to talk with True Name without blowing up at her, and they've even had some conversations that seemed enjoyable at times, so, maybe?'' -Ioan and May both nodded and made their goodbyes. As a last concession to giving the skunk privacy, ey made a small gate in the fence leading into their yard so that they wouldn't have to go through her room if they needed to go out into her plain for any reason. It meant pushing through lilac bushes, but ey figured it'd be rarely used. +He raised his eyebrows. ``Really? The way she talked about True Name for a while there\ldots whew.'' -``Can you work on the beanbag, Ioan?'' May asked once they were back inside. +``That bad?'' -``Sure. Need some pets?'' +``Did she not talk about her to you?'' -She nodded. +Ey shrugged. ``Every now and then, and sometimes she'd get pretty pissed, but it was only once a year or so.'' -Asking how she was feeling felt counter to simply providing what she'd requested—something ey enjoyed plenty, as well—so they made themselves comfortable on the amorphous cushion. It didn't seem to be time for talking at all, so they settled on soft music instead. +``Mm, about the same amount, but maybe she kept it a bit\ldots I dunno, gentler for you, since you were meeting up with True Name. She'd come over once a year or so and just go off for a while. It kinda became routine. She'd vent, then we'd have a good day.'' -Ey wasn't sure what May was doing, whether it was simply soaking up the affection and close proximity or some more thoughtful task. For eir part, though, ey went back to work on organizing events as they'd happened. Who knew what would come next. +Ioan switched to rubbing eir hands over her face. ``I don't even know what to do about her.'' -\begin{center}\rule{0.5\linewidth}{0.5pt}\end{center} +``Nothing,'' Douglas said. ``Nothing but love her and keep talking, I mean. She's a grown woman, she can work out her feelings well enough. Hell, she's already seeing a therapist.'' -The next few days passed in relative peace, with both Odists slowly leveling back out to their baseline moods. +Ey slumped back dramatically against the couch cushions. ``Why does \emph{everyone} tell me to stop fixing others' problems for them? Even the intellectual side of me is in on the game.'' -Or, at least, May leveled out to her baseline mood. There still seemed to be some internal struggle within True Name. It wasn't that she was having to step away to sulk or getting caught in anger as she had been when she had begun to overflow, but that the conflicts were still showing in long silences that would sometimes take her in the middle of conversations, especially when the topic of meeting with Jonas came up. +They laughed. -``I am not even sure if it is conflicts at this point,'' she admitted when ey brought it up. ``Or, well, I do not think it is conflicting memories any longer. Those have been integrated, by this point. I am experiencing conflicts in expectations. I feel doubled, as though there are two of me watching the same conversation and each would like to act in a different way.'' +``It's so hard to actually internalize. I'll catch myself trying to mend her and True Name's relationship or make May feel better or whatever, and I'll have to force myself to relax.'' -``Are they not working together?'' May asked. +``It's not a bad thing,'' Debarre said. ``I mean, you still shouldn't do that all the time, but it's at least a sign that you're just a good person who wants to do right by eir friends.'' -True Name leaned back against the couch and stared out the picture windows into the yard for a few minutes as she thought. ``Perhaps not, no,'' she said at last. ``It is difficult to reconcile those two parts of me. They are arguing, in a way. Each is strident in their belief, and some higher part of me will occasionally get stuck trying to get them to just settle down and fucking agree on a course of action or the next sentence or whatever it may be.'' +Ey smiled gratefully. ``I'm at least trying. May's done her own fair share of trying to help, but that at least fits her M.O. One more question, then I think I need to table the topic for a bit.'' -Ioan nodded, saying, ``Sort of like Michelle and Sasha?'' +``Sure.'' -She shook her head. ``No, not quite like that, thankfully. There are some similarities—the sense of there being two parts of me, the internal split—but it is lacking the dire nature, whatever it was that made her completely helpless before the duality of her self. It is still something that I have some visibility into. I can respond as True Name would or as End Waking would, but I am still just me, and I am learning to unify those natures. I will perhaps never be singular, but I will doubtless unify into a synthesis before long. Just not yet.'' +``Do you think it was the right thing to do?'' -May fiddled with eir sweater vest from where she lay against em. ``I will admit that, for a while there, I was considering merging down with you before I saw how poorly End Waking's merge went.'' After the silence stretched out, she laughed nervously, adding, ``Sorry, I suppose that is a pretty awkward thing to say.'' +``Yeah,'' he said, surprising himself with how readily the answer came to him. ``I don't think it would have worked if E.W. had just merged down without all the other dramatic shit. I think she would've just rejected it, or if she did accept the merge, just cherry-picked parts of it. As it is, though, with Jonas after her neck and May Then My Name using all her wiles to convince both her and E.W., I think it's worth it, though she probably would've preferred to fork first. I don't honestly see her coming out of this still in power or whatever, but if she \emph{does} make it out, I think it'll help her move on.'' -``It is okay, May Then My Name,'' True Name said, smiling reassuringly. ``A large part of me wishes that you had rather than End Waking, if I am honest. I understand why you did what you did, and I think on an intellectual level I agree with it, but on a personal level, I would much rather be integrating your memories than his.'' +Ioan stared up at the ceiling thoughtfully, occasionally mumbling to emself. -She winced. ``That bad?'' +He shrugged to Douglas and asked, ``Well, I skipped breakfast and I'm not ready to merge back down yet. Want some food? That'll at least be more pleasant.'' -``Uncomfortable,'' the other skunk corrected. ``I do wish perhaps that I had been able to fork or that I had been more cautious with the merge, but if I wanted to remain comfortable, I would have pushed back when you urged me to accept.'' +After another hour's conversation over lunch—much happier conversation, thankfully—Debarre stepped back to his home sim and quit to let \#Tracker catch up on the current happenings. -``What about May's merge would've been easier?'' Ioan asked. +Debarre\#Tracker conducted a thorough security sweep and, finding no bugs, those little hidden instances he'd grown so paranoid of, he sighed and slouched back in his desk chair, rubbing paws over his face. ``Well, shit. This complicates things, doesn't it?'' -``Again, easier does not feel like the correct word. It would have been more comfortable. I would have understood the resentment that others feel for me, if that was indeed a goal, but it would not be the defining factor of the merge.'' - -``End Waking has mentioned that he defined himself by not being you, yeah.'' - -She nodded. ``So I have learned. The self-loathing that falls out of that rests just this side of overwhelming at times. Perhaps that is why it is proving to be such a project to settle into something resembling a singular nature again. I imagine, given that May Then My Name has defined herself through something unique to her rather than some aspect of her relation to me, it would feel strange, but not so uncomfortable. Do correct me if I am wrong, though, my dear.'' - -May shook her head. - -``Well, besides,'' Ioan added. ``She's certainly merged down way more recently than End Waking did.'' - -True Name tilted her head. - -``Ioan,'' May said quietly. ``Do you remember when you were working on the \emph{History} and I said that I was worried that you would be upset with me?'' - -Ey frowned, nodded. - -``And do you remember how Dear told Codrin that the temptation to lie would be great?'' - -``What did you say to em, May Then My Name?'' - -May sighed and brushed her paws up over her head. ``I said that I was working as launch coordinator to remain more in line with your expectations so that I could merge back down after the project was over, that we tried to do so every few decades.'' - -A silence stretched out once more. - -Eventually, Ioan reached up to tug at one of her ears gently. ``Skunks are so complicated.'' - -She let out a pent up breath as a laugh. ``I know. I am sorry. I am sorry to both of you. I believed it to be a small untruth. I wanted my relationship with True Name to seem simpler than it was to keep you feeling comfortable. I hoped that that would keep you from digging into my past. Fat load of good that did.'' - -``When was the last time you merged down, then?'' - -``2155,'' True Name said. ``Longer ago than the last time End Waking merged down. It was not acrimonious, she simply declined my next request for a merger and the conversation never came up again.'' - -Ey laughed. ``Really, \emph{really} complicated.'' - -``I am glad you are not angry, my dear,'' May said, leaning up to dot her nose against eir cheek. - -``It seems more silly than anything, but I can see your reasons for doing so, in retrospect. Certainly silly in comparison to the last few weeks.'' - -``Very.'' May turned her gaze back to True Name and said, ``I have my apprehensions about merging, though. \emph{We} have our apprehensions, I mean. After watching what happened with End Waking's merge, it all felt so much more complicated.'' - -``I do not know,'' she said, voice distant. ``I said that I understand your reasons for what you did. You wanted me to change, you said, to be other than I am. You want me to be able to approach Jonas in some new way that will hopefully allow me to come out the other side with fewer assassins on my tail, yes?'' - -May nodded. - -``And I also think I understand your reasons for wanting to merge down. It would make me understand your relationship to me in a very real way, and would make me all the more complete a person in your eyes, yes?'' - -Another nod. - -``I am amenable to both of those, though perhaps my reasons differ. But, May Then My Name, coming at this with both full knowledge and as an open conversation has me feeling more positive than perhaps you do,'' she said, voice having lost its thoughtful edge. ``You are a fundamentally good person and that is not something that I take lightly. You work on such a small scale and I have spoken against that in the past, but\ldots well, a threat on one's life is a pretty good way to make one realize that the small scale is still important.'' - -``But Ioan and I--'' - -``I would have full knowledge of your apprehensions as well, would I not?'' She held up her paws, smiling. ``I am not trying to talk you into it, my dear, and I would still like to hear those apprehensions regardless, I am simply explaining that, given this shitty fucking month, you merging down does not at all sound bad. I am already not what I was. There is no going and there is no back.'' - -Ioan realized ey'd settled back into observing mode, simply watching silently. Not what ey was supposed to be working on. Ey shook emself back to the present and said, ``My apprehensions mostly boil down to the fact that the merge would include May and I's entire relationship. The memories are one thing, and there are some that are pretty intensely personal, but I worry you'd also risk winding up with the feelings that resulted from the formation of those memories.'' - -True Name nodded. - -Ey took a deep breath, trying to bolster eir courage with it. ``This last month has made me realize how much I care about you and your well-being. I like you, True Name, but I'm really hesitant about you having memories of loving me, if that makes sense.'' - -``And you, May Then My Name? We do not need to go too far into them, but if it is to be a discussion, I would like to at least have these thoughts laid out for perusal.'' - -She was a long time in responding. ``I am with Ioan on this, in that I am protective of my devotion to em. It\ldots is difficult to say this so openly, but I am also coming to terms with just how complex my feelings about you are after the events of the last month, and the root of resentment that led to me urging End Waking's merge on you is no longer there, or at least no longer quite so simple. It is no longer aimless hatred, however justified it may have felt. I will ever be myself, so I am uncomfortable pushing yet more resentment and difficulties on you. I do not want to hurt you.'' - -The longer May spoke, the more thoughtful True Name's expression became. She slouched down on the couch, until her head was resting against the back cushions. ``I am not sure what to say to this just yet.'' - -``We've been thinking about it for days. You've had, what, twenty minutes?'' - -She laughed and nodded to em. ``Yes, of course. There is much to think about.'' +He queued up a sensorium message to Yared, user11824, and a few other friends he'd kept in touch with while following along with (and occasionally meddling in) the political affairs of the system. `Reactionary elements' indeed. diff --git a/mitzvot/content/028.tex b/mitzvot/content/028.tex index a78032c..66c6c7c 100644 --- a/mitzvot/content/028.tex +++ b/mitzvot/content/028.tex @@ -1,195 +1,129 @@ -After True Name returned to her room—or, more likely, out to her field to set up camp—May said, ``If I may say, that was really fucking weird, and I do not want to talk about it at all.'' +\hypertarget{ioan-bux103lan-2350}{% +\chapter{Ioan Bălan — 2350}\label{ioan-bux103lan-2350}} +\markboth{Ioan Bălan — 2350}{} -Ey laughed. ``You certainly may. Weird as hell and I need a break.'' +Once they were fed and Debarre was safely on his way home—or at least merged down-tree—Ioan begged off from talking any further and trudged down the hall to the spare room ey borrowed whenever May needed space. Ey claimed to need a nap and, while ey was certainly tired enough, sleep seemed unlikely. -That last part wasn't strictly true. Ey knew ey'd be ruminating over it until they went to sleep, and likely well into tomorrow. Still, ey agreed that it wasn't a topic for talking about at the moment. The chances they'd just wind up talking in circles, rehashing the same topics over and over, getting nowhere but frustrated, was too high, and ey could do that mentally just as well. +The walk and cry in the field before ey'd joined Douglas at his house had been necessary, but also had only served to highlight just how woefully out of eir depth ey truly was. -So, instead, they relaxed together on the couch, May with her head in eir lap while ey read and she worked on this or that, or whatever it was that she did when her eyes lost focus and she hummed quietly to herself. She'd once called it `going into screen-saver mode', which didn't sound totally accurate to what ey knew of her when ey'd looked up the reference, but ey still teased her about it every now and then. +``Hi Sarah,'' ey said, starting a simplex sensorium message. ``Sorry to bother you, and sorry we haven't spoken in a few weeks. I know I was vague when I canceled our last appointment, but things have gone completely sideways. I'm not totally sure how open you'd be to this, but can we meet and talk, even if I'm restricted to talking in very general terms about what's going on? I need to talk to someone who can help me sort through my thoughts around it, I just can't share details yet. It has to do with True Name, so I'm sure you can appreciate just how complicated it is. Let me know if that's alright. I'm\ldots I'm at Douglas's for a few days. Thanks.'' -Quiet nights were good, though, and ey was pleased to just spend the rest of this one in comfort. +Then, ey lay down on the bed, still dressed and over the covers, and stared at the ceiling, trying to think about as little as possible. -Sleep, however, brought restless dreams. Not nightmares, certainly; they weren't even bad dreams in any common sense of the term. They were, to the last, plagued with a sense of waiting and unease. Ey dreamt of waiting for unspecified news, sitting on uncomfortable benches in weirdly crowded lobbies. Ey dreamt of May being out of the house on some errand longer than she had said she would be. Ey dreamt of not having enough information. +Ey was startled awake by a sensorium message. Grunting and wiping eir hands over eir face to try and bring reality back into focus through the near drunken haze of waking up from an ill-advised nap, ey set the message to running. -All the same, ey woke well rested and made it to the coffee pot before either of the skunks, so ey was able to claim ten minutes of solitude standing before the picture windows, looking out into the slowly lightening yard and the field beside it. Ey could see True Name poke her snout out from her tent, disappear, and then, a few minutes later, start trudging her way back toward the house. +``Good to hear from you, Ioan. I'll admit that I was pretty concerned when you canceled. I don't usually worry about you, but that's also the first time you've had to do so in nearly four years. I can be free whenever you need, and am happy to meet you either there or here. I don't have any problems holding off on details until a later date. Just let me know.'' -``Good morning, Ioan. Oh good, thank you,'' she mumbled, making a bee-line for one of the mugs of coffee that sat, steaming, on the counter. +Ey groaned and ground the heels of eir palms against eir closed eyes, trying to will away the grogginess that clung to em, somehow managing to feel both sticky and slippery. -``Morning. Sleep well?'' +A quick shower had em feeling well enough to respond, and by the time she arrived, ey'd made tea for emself and met her, mug in hand, at the door. -She shrugged noncommittally. ``I slept, I am well-rested enough.'' +Ey bowed. ``Thanks for coming on such short notice.'' -They watched the morning head toward full brightness in silence after that, em still standing before the windows and her sitting on the couch, more focused on her coffee than anything. +She offered em a hug. ``It's alright. I figure if whatever is happening has all three of you canceling appointments and you requesting short-notice ones, it's probably important.'' -``You have once again failed to bring me my coffee,'' May grumbled from the bedroom door. ``I am going to file a petition to have you censured with the leadership of the System.'' +``Sorry, just woke up, feeling rough,'' ey said, declining the hug. ``But yeah. Important, overwhelming, dramatic. Would you be alright talking outside? That nap destroyed me and I'm still feeling disconnected from everything.'' -``Ey did not bring me my coffee, either, my dear,'' True Name said mildly. ``And until recently, I was in such a position.'' +``Works for me.'' -May stopped mid-shuffle, snorted, then mumbled an apology and padded to the kitchen to grab her own mug before taking Ioan by the hand and dragging em over to the beanbag so that she could lay down with em. +``So, uh\ldots well, where to start.'' Ey spoke haltingly, once they'd made their way out into the grass and light and blue skies. ``Right. As of a few weeks ago, for reasons I can't get into just yet, True Name has been staying in an extra room we dug at the house. A few days ago--'' -``Are you two up to talking about meeting with Jonas?'' True Name asked. ``I will pay in another pot of coffee and breakfast.'' +``Whoa, wait. I know you said no specifics, but can you tell me a little more about that? I can't picture that working at \emph{all.}'' -Ioan shrugged. ``Sure.'' +Ey sighed. ``Yeah, well, that's part of why I'm here and not at home, I guess.'' -``After that second coffee, yes,'' May said. +She nodded, gestured for em to continue. -Breakfast, it turned out, was a Scandinavian affair, or so ey imagined. Dense, dark bread, a tray of cheeses and meats, and a separate tray of vegetables both pickled and fresh. It was strange to call a meal such as breakfast `refreshing', but the word fit quite well. Quite good, and both of the skunks certainly seemed to appreciate it, eating the lion's share of the food, though May also swiped up a side plate of eggs to go with it. +``Well, she\ldots hmm. She ran into some interpersonal trouble that was dramatic enough to require staying around people well enough known on the System that she'd be safe.'' Ey winced, adding, ``I know that's not much to go by. Either way, she's staying in our place. She's been fairly self-contained, but not totally so, so there's been some interaction between the three of us. Before you ask, it was May's idea in the first place, and while there have been a few rough spots, it's gone far smoother than I would have thought.'' -May nodded towards True Name, grinning. ``Alright. Payment accepted. You may begin.'' +``Still, I imagine that just having the anxiety of it potentially going rough doesn't feel good.'' -True Name nodded. ``I had an idea as I was walking last night. Or perhaps it is only a sliver of an idea. I suspect that it will not even get me out of whatever it is that he has planned, but it might soften the blow.'' +``Not at all, no. I've been feeling like I'm constantly on guard, always ready to jump in and smooth things out, even if I haven't really had to do so. I'm trying to let them both just do their own thing, though, and every time I catch myself feeling that way, I try to change contexts.'' -They both nodded. +``That's good,'' she said. ``Has it been helping, at least?'' -``My guess is that, if he wants me to `step aside', as Zacharias said, then he would like me to truly disappear. He would like me to essentially never be seen again.'' +``If you'd asked me that a few days ago, I would have said yes, but now that I'm here and struggling to hold it together, I'm not so sure. I think I was just pushing it down without\ldots I don't know, redirecting it or dealing with it.'' -``Thus the assassination attempt,'' Ioan said. +She nodded. ``Alright. I want to come back to that, but I interrupted your overview. Can you tell me what else happened?'' -``Yes. He wanted me to disappear and build up a little bit of mystery because then he would be able to be publicly seen mourning, \emph{et cetera, et cetera, ad nauseam},'' she continued, rolling her eyes. ``The usual nonsense, I mean. I do not think his plans B through M will be any different. They will all involve me no longer being a part of this and in such a way as to make him come out feeling the victor.'' +``Right. So, through some strange turn of events, both True Name and May wound up overflowing at the same time. True Name is staying at another private sim we know and May's at home while I'm here. All of this hit a few days back when May and True Name had a conversation that left both of them drained, and then True Name had to deal with a merge large enough that she collapsed.'' -``And I'm assuming you'd like to avoid that if possible.'' +``Not May Then My Name\ldots{}'' Sarah hazarded, frowning. -``Him feeling like the victor? Yes. I really do mean that I would need to disappear in his definition of victory. I would be effectively dead, if not actually. I would be restricted in who I would be able to speak to, I would have to remain out of public sims, and so on. He would not ask me to retire. Disappear.'' She hesitated, swirled the last of her coffee in the bottom of her mug, and added, ``At least, that is what I would do. It would mean less attack surface for the reactive elements we have been tracking.'' +``No.~Another cocladist, though.'' -``And your plan would, what, subvert that?'' May asked. ``I have a suspicion I know what it is, but I would like to be sure.'' +Ey saw comprehension dawn in her features, and that frown only deepened. She gestured for em to continue. -``I suspect you do, yes. I will offer him the option of me changing from what I was to such an extent that I will no longer be the True Name that either he or the System expects.'' +``But\ldots well. So there's two things that I think fall out of this that I'd get the most out of talking about. The first is that I'm having a lot of complicated feelings surrounding True Name throughout this, and the second is that May did mention that she'd been considering merging down with her until the previous merge went so sideways.'' -``Is this about me merging down, then?'' +She looked down to the grass thoughtfully as they walked. ``Can you tell me about how you feel about the merge, first?'' -She shrugged. ``I do not think that that is a requirement here, though that question was on my docket for the day. I suspect that I have already changed enough with End Waking's merger. I would just need to prove it to him somehow. That is where my plan ends, however.'' +``I didn't really get the chance to ask her about why it was that she was considering merging. We promised to talk about it more, but after that, things happened pretty quickly. There's a weird sort of jealousy that goes along with it. May and I have built our own life completely independent of True Name. We bowed out of politics and writing these grand, System-spanning tales and focused on just being together. That's why I got into writing plays, I think: it was a way for me to do the things that felt comfortable for me that didn't involve being wrapped up in all these crazy goings-on. -Ioan sat back in eir chair, arms crossed as ey mulled it over. If she was right—and ey suspected that she was—then there would likely need to be a change in form and a change in name to go along with the change in attitude. After all, that's how Zacharias had gotten as far as he had, right? +``So we built our life together. True Name respected that, too. She would ask about me and May, and seemed earnestly happy that we'd gone and done something so\ldots normal.'' -Ey couldn't picture her as anything other than a skunk or perhaps whatever version of Michelle she remembered, though, and certainly couldn't picture her named anything other than True Name. Would she also have to change her speech patterns? They weren't totally identifiable, but now that ey thought about it, even Zacharias had shared many of them. She was an Odist through and through—more so than any other ey'd met—and all of the forking and reinforcing that May had done to cement behavior and thought patterns didn't seem like something that she'd willingly undergo, either. +``Do you think she's envious of that?'' -But perhaps that's what she'd meant by a sliver of a plan. They still had plenty of time to sort that out, at least, and perhaps she'd come up with a way that would actually work without changing herself so much that she'd cease being who she was. +Ey frowned and scuffed a heel through the grass. ``I don't know, honestly. Again, if you'd asked me a few weeks ago, I would have said probably not, that she's got her own things that make her happy which don't involve putting on plays or poking fun at each other. Now, though, I'm not so sure. This whole thing about the merge adds another layer onto that, because suddenly, True Name would have all of those memories.'' -All the same, ey wasn't sure that her simply incorporating End Waking was quite the type of change that Jonas would appreciate. She acted different, spoke different, and ey was sure she felt different about her work than she had, but eir suspicion was that Jonas didn't want anything left of her that could possibly be of any threat to his power. Her incorporating End Waking's extreme distaste for the politics of the System might be enough, it might not be, but that was a big risk to take. +``Does it bother you that she would have the memories, or are you worried about her having those emotions? Do you worry she'd start feeling about you the way that May Then My Name does?'' -Ey'd apparently been silent long enough that the two skunks had drifted off into their own conversation. At least ey hadn't been mumbling. +``Well, shit.'' Ey groaned. ``I didn't even think about that. Like, we've talked about what her having memories of loving me would mean, but always past-tense. I didn't think about if she herself—she as True Name I mean—would pick up on exactly how May felt about me as well. I have no clue. Maybe on some level I do worry, though. I like the way May feels about me. We've talked about jealousy a few times, and it often comes up that she feels devoted to me. I'm really not sure how I'd feel having that come from another, never mind one that I have as complicated a relationship with as I do with True Name.'' -``Welcome back, my dear,'' May said when ey leaned forward again to grab eir coffee. +``Does this tie in with the complicated feelings you mentioned, then?'' -Ey grinned. ``Thanks. Was a nice trip. Don't mean to interrupt or anything, though.'' +Ey bought emself some time to think about an answer by bending down to pluck a dandelion, twirling it between eir fingers. ``I guess I have to share one detail, which is that there was an attempt on her life back on Secession day.'' -She shook her head. ``We were talking of changes.'' +Sarah blinked and stopped up short. ``One moment,'' she said, then closed her eyes, her lips moving faintly in a non-vocalized sensorium message. Ey politely turned away. Finally, she caught eir attention once more. ``I checked in with the instance that's been meeting with True Name and she said that she received a message from her back on Secession day that sounded really panicked.'' -``Any conclusions?'' +``What was it about?'' ey asked. ``If you can share, that is.'' -``Not particularly, no,'' True Name said. ``There are certain levels of change that I find unacceptable, is all.'' +``Not the specifics, but she mentioned that True Name did cancel appointments for the foreseeable future with the promise to come back as soon as she could.'' -``Right. I was thinking similar. It needs some work, but I can at least see where you're coming from with it.'' +Ey nodded. ``Well, then yes, that'd be why. She's safe, at least. Staying with us means that no one can come after her without exposing themselves,'' ey said as reassuringly as ey could. Ey felt bad leaving out the fact that True Name wasn't in contact at all with either of them, but that felt like it was on the list of things ey couldn't share. -She nodded. ``I will continue to explore. When the time comes, I may ask for your help workshopping some ideas.'' +``Has this changed how you feel about her, then?'' -The conversation wound down from there, with True Name heading out to walk her prairie or poke around in the water or whatever it was that she was doing. +``I don't know if it's changed things, necessarily, so much as made me more cognizant of how I felt about her before. I think I mentioned around the time that it came up that we had a conversation about how she said that it was nice to just have a friend, and how I translated that as a friendly acquaintance that wasn't just another politician.'' -As though inspired, May and Ioan both moved outside as well, claiming the bench swing on the balcony, sitting on it sideways and facing each other, legs all tangled up. The warmer spring weather ey'd brought about for May while she was overflowing had seemed appropriate once they'd returned, so ey'd left it for the time being. Perhaps ey'd get one more big snow in before letting spring proper settle in. +``And I called you out on the fact that you later said you thought of her more like a friendly coworker than anything.'' -``What were things like back in 2155?'' ey asked. +Ey laughed. ``Right. Well, with all that's gone down, with how it felt to see her in danger and then to see her struggling with the ramifications of being cut off and the effects of the merge, I think I'm a lot more comfortable just calling her a friend. I don't think I'd feel like this if she were a `friendly coworker'.'' -May tilted her head, blinking a cone of silence into place. ``When I merged last?'' +``You have a far more complex relationship than what is implied by `friend'. It could just be a language thing, that that word implies a greater level of shared happiness than you have, but, confronted by how much you care about her in the context of what happened, you're bumping up against the broader definition of friend of someone you \emph{can} feel that much care for.'' + +Ey nodded. They fell into silence as they walked while Ioan took the time to process. + +It certainly tallied, too. Even though May's overflowing had overshadowed it—reasonably so, given the importance of their relationship—ey'd been hit hard by True Name overflowing, as well. Seeing her struggling, upset and overwhelmed, having to claim that same solitude that End Waking did, touched on that care. The need to fix things was a symptom of that confusing sense of care, ey suspected, rather than just something isolated. + +``I don't know if you were necessarily talking to me, but just in case you were, I'd agree with your assessment.'' + +Ey jumped at the sudden realization that ey'd said at least part of that out loud, then laughed. ``Sorry, I was mumbling, wasn't I? I've been doing that a lot lately. I was trying to keep that dialogue internal, but I appreciate the confirmation.'' + +She smiled. ``I suspected so. I'm used to it, now. So, before I continue, are you looking to work on disentangling this, some ideas for where to go next, or just talking?'' + +``I wouldn't turn down an idea or two, but I've already gotten a lot out of having the chance to talk through the emotional side. There are a few others in the loop that I've been able to talk with, but that's all been about logistics, or about May and True Name rather than myself.'' Ey sighed, adding, ``I was a mess when I first got here. Doesn't feel great to say, but I spent so much energy on them I kind of forgot to take care of myself.'' + +``That it doesn't feel great to say is a sign that you care deeply enough to not want to detract from that energy, so it's not a bad thing, but you do need to take care of yourself, yes.'' She looked thoughtful for a moment, then said, ``Alright. I know you said they're both currently overflowing, but what do you think about talking with each of them about how you're feeling about this?'' + +``Uh, well, I mean,'' ey stammered. ``I guess I should, yeah.'' + +``\,`Should'?'' + +``Right. Should statement. I'd like to, but they both feel kind of fraught. Talking with May about being friends with True Name has come up before but feels fraught with how they feel about each other, or at least felt about each other. Hell, I don't know how I'd tell True Name I care about her, either. And I don't particularly want to be the one to broach May merging down with True Name. That feels like a conversation they should start as cocladists.'' + +``They're complicated topics, and I'm not saying you \emph{must} talk about them, but it'll only help for the three of you to all be on the same page. It'd be a good exercise for you to be more active, as well.'' Ey nodded. -``I had just forked the third time. There had been more relationships, of course, ones that ended before I had the chance or need, but this was the third time that I had settled into something comfortable enough to let it last. I was crushed and not particularly excited about merging down, but I had not diverged quite as much by then.'' +``You look like you're fading. Want to call it for now and then we can get in touch soon?'' -``Not as much empathy?'' +``Uh, yeah, probably,'' ey said. It was only just settling into evening, but the nap still had em out of sorts. ``Thank you, though. This was immensely helpful. I don't think any of us are in a position to hold to a schedule at the moment, given further complicated stuff going on behind the scenes, but I'll definitely be in touch when I can, and will nudge both of them to do the same.'' -She laughed. ``Too much, perhaps. It took a while for me to settle on a comfortable amount.'' +``Ioan.'' -``Too \emph{much?} How on Earth did that work?'' +Ey stopped up short, winced. ``Right, sorry. Not my job.'' -``I was a fucking mess at all times. I cried at the drop of a hat.'' +``Thank you,'' she said, grinning. ``I'll touch base with each of them, don't worry. One more tip before I go: take care of yourself. That whole golden rule thing applies to you, too, you know. Treat others well, but remember you still need to be treated well, too.'' -``You still cry a lot,'' ey observed, then laughed when she poked at eir knee. - -``Yes, well. I had attributed it at the time to simply being torn up over no longer being in a relationship. My fork was happy, I was heartbroken. In the end, though, I think that my goals were starting to drift from True Name's. I was diverging in more fundamental ways than either of us had expected.'' - -``And the next time she asked, you just said `no'?'' - -She nodded. ``She asked me to consider it, and then the topic simply never came up again. I think that she was already expecting to write me off after the merge in systime 31.'' - -``Did she wind up expressing her own emotions differently from that merge?'' - -She opened her mouth as if to reply, then closed it again, frowning. ``I was going to snap at you,'' she admitted. ``But you bring up a good point. She did, to some extent. What emotions she expressed, real or not, came more earnestly to her. She was more able to express empathy, even if it was still in a very True Name fashion. She did not accept my merges—or any of those from others in her stanza—as blithely as she did End Waking's.'' - -``I imagine the circumstances were a bit different,'' ey said. ``Why were you going to snap at me?'' - -``I thought you were going to ask me to merge down.'' - -Ey shrugged. ``I hadn't gotten that far in the thought process. Is it something you're still uncomfortable with?'' - -``I do not know, my dear. If you had asked me just then, I would have said no. If you had asked me five minutes before then, I would have said yes.'' She patted eir knee, smiling. ``But I will endeavor not to snap at you either way. How about you, though?'' - -``Much the same, I think. Your answer has me wondering, though, if she was more intentional about a merge like that, it could work. She could have some of your memories of emotions that she thinks might help while still respecting your privacy.'' - -``And that is why I did not snap at you. It is a good point, my dear. There is no need for her to have all of my memories wholesale, and with what memories and personality traits and whatever else goes along with a merge, she would hopefully wind up with a synthesis, as she says, rather than a replacement. She would still have all 226 years of being True Name, and all those years of being End Waking, just that she would also have some of me in there.'' - -``Is that something you could talk her through?'' - -She looked thoughtfully out into the yard, at the faint greening of the lilac branches. ``Perhaps, yes. We would have to be very deliberate about it, but it should be possible.'' - -Ey nodded, watching the skunk's gaze drift in and out of focus, the way she would occasionally chew on her lip when thinking. Watched, and thought about what such a synthesis would look like. There wouldn't be any concrete changes in eir partner, but what would this new restless, unsettled True Name look like with yet more memory heaped onto her? Ey knew ey could never know the whole of May and that ey was biased besides, but she seemed so much happier and more comfortable than her down-tree instance, even before End Waking's merger. More comfortable, feeling less of a need to dump all of her energy into forward motion. What would that look like with True Name? - -Ey watched her think. Watched her and thought about how much ey loved her, watched and wondered if such a True Name would also sit and think and chew on her lip. - -``Do you want to?'' - -May started from her own reverie. ``Hmm?'' - -``Regardless of the mechanics or how comfortable you are with it, is this something you'd even want to do?'' - -She nodded readily. ``Yes. That is the source of all this stress for me over the last few days. I want to, it is just the reality that is working against me.'' - -``Why?'' - -``Why do I want to?'' She laughed. ``Because I like who I am and I do not like who she is, but that does not mean I do not like what she can become. I want her to be happy and to feel love and to slow the fuck down for five minutes. I do not know for sure, and I acknowledge that there is a value judgment here, but I strongly suspect that these will only ever be good for her.'' - -Ey leaned forward enough to snag one of her paws and give it a squeeze. ``Guess we're of one mind on that, then. Or at least mostly so; you have a better sense as to what goes into the emotional side.'' - -She smiled gratefully and gave eir hand a squeeze. ``Well, when she returns, we can expand on our thoughts.'' - -They didn't have to wait long. - -Shortly after they went back inside to pull together a snacky sort of lunch, True Name returned from her trip out in the prairie and bowed to them, saying, ``I have had some thoughts that I would like to run past you.'' - -``As have we,'' Ioan said, gesturing her to a chair. ``Good timing. What were you thinking?'' - -``It is perhaps more for May Then My Name to answer, though I will appreciate both of your input.'' - -The skunk nodded for her to continue. - -``You have mentioned in the past that you forked to cement emotional patterns that led to your divergence. I think that I have wound up doing that to some extent, but only ever subconsciously. With how much specificity were you able to pick what it was that you were modifying?'' - -May glanced to Ioan, then shrugged. ``I worked in very small steps. I forked dozens of times to change very small things. Being deliberate about it made it essentially as fine-grained as I needed.'' - -``Alright. That helps quite a lot, actually. I was considering how much I might be able to change without losing who and what I am. If I can change some of my own habits, maybe the end result will still be something that I am happy with, but with enough difference to get Jonas off my back. I am not yet sure what those habits might be, but it is an option, at least. I have been trying to catalogue what it is about myself that can go, as it were.'' She smiled wryly, ``But yes, doing so deliberately is probably for the best.'' - -``That's actually what we had been talking about,'' Ioan said, looking to May for confirmation that it was alright to continue. - -``A deliberate merge,'' she said, picking up from where ey'd left off. ``One that will keep us comfortable in our privacy while also giving you the opportunity to build upon what you are.'' - -``Really? That is not what I was expecting to hear.'' - -They both nodded. - -There was a long silence, then. Both May and Ioan watched True Name as she stared up at the ceiling, unseeing. - -``And you are okay with that, Ioan?'' - -Ey nodded. ``I think so. I don't wholly understand the mechanics of it, but you're the dispersionistas. I trust you two to have that covered.'' - -She nodded and looked to May. - -``If you are alright working with me through the process, then I am okay with it.'' - -``Are you?'' Ioan asked. - -True Name smiled lopsidedly. ``So long as I can fork beforehand just in case, why the hell not? I am already not what I was. There is already no going back.'' - -May scoffed and shook her head. ``\,`So long as you can fork'? Jesus, True Name. Of course you can fucking fork. 108 instances with daily reconciliation, and she asks if she can fork.'' - -They laughed. - -``Well,'' True Name said, shrugging. ``Fuck it.'' +``I'll certainly try.'' diff --git a/mitzvot/content/029.tex b/mitzvot/content/029.tex index 2d42d0b..4fae67b 100644 --- a/mitzvot/content/029.tex +++ b/mitzvot/content/029.tex @@ -1,193 +1,117 @@ -\hypertarget{ioan-bux103lan-2350}{% -\chapter{Ioan Bălan—2350}\label{ioan-bux103lan-2350}} -\markboth{Ioan Bălan—2350}{} +\begin{center}\rule{0.5\linewidth}{0.5pt}\end{center} -Of all that had happened over the past several weeks, Ioan was surprised to find that it had taken until now for literally anything to feel like it had been planned. Clearly none of them had planned on Jonas coming after True Name, but all of the decisions that had followed had been made on the spot. Snap decisions that had led to True Name moving into their house, to End Waking merging down, to the three of them all overflowing at once. +May arrived without any warning. She would usually ping either em or Douglas, giving them a few minutes to get out into the field and prepare for a pouncing. -All of those had been made under what felt like intolerable pressure, and it was only now that they had time enough to relax. There was an uneasy (and certainly temporary) truce between Jonas and True Name that had finally given them enough time to properly consider a decision instead of feeling compelled to make it right away. +This time, however, Ioan awoke before dawn to a small, furry form crawling into bed with em, whispering for em to scoot over. Some sleepy part of em remembered that Douglas had locked down the ACLs to all unannounced visitors shortly after ey'd arrived with the news. -Ey'd harbored a concern, one borne out of stress, that May might just merge down without talking further, but ey kept that to emself, doing eir level best to reason emself out of it. The last thing they needed at the moment was eir mind playing tricks on em. +All except May, apparently. -And she certainly didn't. In fact, she drew the negotiations that followed that first discussion out by nearly a week, putting lie to that concern. Much of these discussions took place between the two skunks as they walked out on True Name's prairie. +Ey shifted the pillow ey'd been hugging out of the way and held the covers up for her to squirm beneath them and fit herself comfortably against eir front, draping them back over them both as ey got eir arms around her. Ey was too tired to do anything other than mumble a quiet greeting, and she didn't seem all that keen on talking either, so they simply dozed with each other for another few hours. -At first, ey'd felt left out. After all, didn't ey also have boundaries to negotiate and concerns that needed addressing? +With the sun warming the far wall of the room, they woke slowly, May squirming around enough to face em so that she could press her nose to eirs. -After bringing this up with May, however, she had laughed and poked em in the belly, explaining, ``I do not mean to leave you out of anything, my dear. We are discussing elements of the past that kept me from merging down, and elements of the future of the relationship between me and her. You are not missing anything so important, but if you would like, I am happy to keep you apprised of the general content.'' +``Good morning, my dear.'' -``Given how anxious I've been, I'd appreciate that,'' ey had said. ``But no need to share anything private.'' +``Morning, May. Surprised to see you here.'' -And so now ey got updates on the conversations with sensitive or personal information held back. +She shrugged, nosed her way down beneath eir chin. ``I woke up early feeling well enough to come by, but did not want to wake you.'' -They spent much of their time discussing various parts of May's life and how comfortable she'd feel sharing those through a merge, and if not, why not. Surprisingly, they also talked with End Waking several times, the third skunk of the stanza coming out to visit her prairie so that they could discuss the ramifications of their merge and how to be more thoughtful with May's. +``Or wait?'' -That first meeting had been more silence than not, more walking and thinking and not looking at each other than anything. They paced back and forth along the bank of the river, then stared into the oxbow pond, each occasionally failing to start a conversation. They had greater success with subsequent meetings, but they were never comfortable. +``I missed you, Ioan, why would I wait?'' -This wasn't to say that ey didn't have a chance to sit with them at times and discuss eir thoughts on the matter, of course. +Ey nudged at her snout with eir chin. ``Well, I missed you too, so it works out. Just surprised to see you here so soon.'' -``Feelings are complex, Ioan,'' True Name explained as they sat around a low fire before her tent. ``If they are created by memories, then there is little that I can do to completely control how I might feel about something beyond picking and choosing the memories carefully. However, one can never be sure which memories may lead to which feelings. If they come from something more intrinsic to one's personality and thought patterns, then it is even more difficult to attempt to control them.'' +``I am not feeling spectacular, but I am feeling well enough to not be alone. Now does not feel like a good time to be alone.'' She leaned back enough to smile at em, and though it was a little shaky and her face was still a mess, ey was pleased to see that it was earnest. ``Are you okay, though? I do not imagine it was the best of times for this to happen.'' -Ey nodded. ``That much I can certainly understand. I trust that you'll be built up from your various histories rather than simply May's feelings tacked onto you.'' +Remembering eir conversation with Sarah only two days back, ey checked the urge to refocus the conversation on her, instead saying, ``It was a little rough, yeah. I got in touch with Sarah and set up an emergency thing a few hours after I got here.'' -``Yes. I cannot predict how I will feel about anything after this, much less you. Your relationship and existing boundaries will take precedence over whatever happens, though. I will respect that.'' +``I am sorry, Ioan.'' -Ioan bowed eir thanks. +``Hush, it's not on you. Plus, I canceled the last one, so it was good to catch up with her about what's going on, if only in very general terms. I guess I just kind of overflowed a little, myself. Everything's been so stressful the last few weeks and I didn't feel like I could do anything about it.'' -``I have been wondering how your feelings toward Debarre have shifted,'' End Waking said. +``And did you come to any conclusions?'' -``It is complex, not least of which because I accepted the whole of your merge so blithely. I will not be doing the same with May Then My Name's.'' +``Not particularly, but you know how it goes,'' ey said. ``Talked a bit about next steps, at least, about how I should probably make sure that I take care of myself, too.'' -He frowned. +She laughed. ``Yes, you should.'' -``I am sorry,'' True Name said, shrugging helplessly. ``There is little that I could have done in the moment to avoid it, and there is certainly nothing that I can do now to fix it.'' +They lay in silence for a few minutes, May simply relaxing in eir arms while ey tried to decide how much else to share from the impromptu appointment. -May dipped her muzzle and apologized as well, saying, ``I do feel bad about how that worked out, no matter how much you tell me it is okay.'' +\emph{She's here and we have time, might as well,} ey thought -``It is not okay,'' End Waking said, then hastened to add when his cocladist flinched away, ``It is what we have to work with, and it is perhaps what the moment called for.'' +``We also talked about your thoughts on merging down. Don't want to overwhelm you, though, if you're not up for talking about that.'' -May nodded, still cowed. +``I was going to bring it up later, myself. I have had further thoughts.'' -``I am of two minds,'' True Name said. ``I remember having loved Debarre. I remember still loving him, and perhaps even I, even True Name, still love him in some roundabout way. However, I am what I am, and that is a being of two minds. That of me which is you, End Waking, loves him, and that of me which is True Name, respects him from a distance, respects his distaste for me, that feeling I engendered to minimize his impact within the council by making it purely emotional, as uncomfortable as it was to do so.'' +``Shall you go first, or I?'' -``The same as you did with me and Codrin?'' Ioan asked. ``With the History, I mean.'' +``You, please.'' -She nodded. ``It was-- it felt like a necessity at the time. I am not some cold, unfeeling bitch, it is just that my drive and my abilities, such as they are, outweigh—or at least outweighed—those feelings. I worked to distance myself from them.'' +Ey nodded. ``Alright. It wound up being more about jealousy than anything, and what it was that I was actually feeling protective of when it came to the idea. Some of it is the fact that we've built a pretty good life together, and it took a lot of work. I'm not sure how I feel about her having the memories of that.'' -``I remember so little of that,'' May said. +``End Waking said much the same, that he had put all his effort into his penance and that he would like her to come by that through her own work.'' -True Name shrugged. ``As you intentionally moved towards feeling, I worked to contain and compartmentalize it within myself after you came into being. I became a being of negative commandments. I lived the 'shalt not's while you performed your \emph{mitzvot} of loving and caring.'' +``Pretty similar, yeah. I'd be really happy for her if she built a life that included the happiness and comfort outside of work that we have, but a large part of me wants her to come by that honestly. The other bit that Sarah brought up was whether or not I was worried that her incorporating your memories of us together would lead to her feeling about me the way you do.'' -May sighed. +There was a long silence after that. Ey did eir best to quell eir impatience. With how much the topic had been weighing on em over the last few days, ey desperately wanted to hear her side of it, as well. -``I will not say that I am proud of it, my dear, but neither will I say that I regret it. It is what it is specifically because I was what I was.'' +Finally, she said, ``I have been thinking about that quite a bit since the topic came up, but only from my point of view. I did not think about how it might feel for you, for which I apologize.'' -``Perhaps you will learn from your merge,'' End Waking said. +Ey shook eir head. ``You've had a lot going on. What thoughts did you have on it, though?'' -``Perhaps. Perhaps it will become a part of me, perhaps it will live within me alongside that of you and that of True Name.'' +``I have also been trying to pick apart my jealousy. I have said in the past that I am not opposed to you finding companionship with others, whether romantic or sexual or whatever. I am starting to think, though, that that would only apply to a type of companionship that does not overlap with what you and I have. I want nothing more than for you to feel fulfilled, my dear, and if that means finding fulfillment for the areas that I do not cover, I would only ever be pleased.'' She sighed, thought for a moment longer, and then continued more quietly, ``For someone to feel about you \emph{precisely} what I do, even if it is tempered by other memories, is too close to the devotion that I am most protective of.'' -``Still feeling fractured?'' Ioan asked. +``Have you changed your mind on merging?'' -``I am of two minds, Ioan. I do not know if I will feel\ldots I do not know. I am not comfortable speaking further on this just yet.'' +``I do not know, Ioan. I go back and forth on the issue and at the moment, rather more back than forth.'' She giggled, licked at eir chin, adding, ``Or forth than back. The metaphor fails.'' -They spent the rest of the night in quiet, May leaning against eir side while True Name and End Waking spoke quietly about the plain and the forest. +``You took that one a bit far, yeah,'' ey said, laughing. ``But I think I'm too tired to talk about this much more. Did you have coffee before coming over?'' -Finally, though, a week to the day after the decision had been made, Ioan awoke to find May and True Name already sitting at the table, speaking earnestly in a cone of silence. Once they noticed em, True Name waved it away and May grinned, saying, ``Sorry, my dear. We did not want to wake you.'' +``I did not. If you make me a cup, I will love you forever.'' -Ey poured emself a cup of coffee before joining them. ``Appreciate it. Hope I'm not interrupting.'' +Ey nudged her out of bed so that ey could get up as well, saying, ``I thought you were going to do that anyway, but I guess a cup of coffee is a small price to pay.'' -True Name shook her head. ``We are discussing our plan for the day.'' +Douglas had beaten them to the coffee pot, which made the process all the easier. -Ey bought emself a moment by taking a sip of coffee. ``Is today the day, then?'' +``Hey, May,'' he said, returning the offered hug and kissing her cheek. ``Figured that was you this morning. Feeling better?'' -``May Then My Name thinks so, but we were also waiting for you to join us to make sure.'' +She nodded and slumped down into a chair, cradling her coffee in both paws. ``Mostly, yes. I am still below baseline, but it was more important that I see you two than to return all the way.'' -``Well, if it were solely up to me, I'd just spin my wheels worrying about it until we ran out of time, so I suppose I'm alright with it. What all will go into it?'' +``Well, glad to see you made it through.'' -``Well,'' True Name began, a fork appearing next to her. ``First I fork and she will head to the tent.'' +``You will not quit me so easily, Douglas Hadje, doctor of incredibly boring things. How are you, though? Has Ioan caught you up on everything?'' -The new instance of True Name bowed. ``Then the perilous path was planted, And a river and a spring On every cliff and tomb,'' she said before waving goodbye and padding back out through her room. +``I think so, yeah. Ey, Debarre, and End Waking did. Assassins, mergers, Jonas being terrible, Zacharias. Did I miss anything?'' -Ioan stared after the departing skunk and shook eir head. ``You guys are so weird.'' +She shook her head. ``That is the whole of it, I think. We continue to be dramatic about everything we do.'' -They both laughed. +He laughed. ``I mean, not going to deny that, but I'm also going to put a large part of this on Jonas, rather than you all.'' -``Then we will set up a space for me to rest in the meantime,'' True Name continued. ``And then I suppose that is all there is to it. May Then My Name will fork and quit and I will process the merge.'' +``Do you have any thoughts on it?'' -``And your fork is just there in case something goes wrong?'' +``Besides the fact that you're all nuts?'' -``Or if the result is not acceptable.'' +``Yes, well, that is indisputable. I would merge down with you if I could to give you a taste of it, but alas, it does not work that way.'' -``\,`Not acceptable'?'' +Douglas lifted his cup in a toast. ``For which I'm grateful. It sounds like a nightmare.'' -``If the merge does not go well or if I wind up being unable to work as I would like.'' +``Yes, yes. Such is the life of an Odist.'' -``Or if all of my emotions get overwhelming,'' May added. ``Since I do rather have a surfeit.'' +``Beyond that, though, I don't know, I don't want to lose any of you. I don't have the history with True Name that you guys do, so all I've just been thinking of her in terms of Michelle and Sasha.'' -Ioan leaned over and ruffled a hand over the skunk's ears. ``Yeah, you definitely do.'' +``You've been talking to Debarre too much,'' Ioan said. ``\,`Michelle and Sasha', I mean.'' -``Yes, yes, and you love me for it.'' She laughed and pushed eir hand away, straightening the mussed up fur. ``Breakfast first, though, and then we can work from there.'' +Douglas's face fell. ``I never got to meet her, but from what everyone's said, it sounds like the split was pretty evident.'' -After another Scandinavian-style breakfast, the three of them re-organized True Name's room. The bed was set in a corner instead of up against one wall, allowing a collection of pillows to be placed against the walls in case she wanted to lean against them or organize them into a nest. +``It was,'' May said. ``While I do not speak of her that way, Debarre is not wrong to do so.'' -``Are you sure you don't want to set up something out in the prairie?'' +``Why not?'' -``I did consider it, but May Then My Name talked me out of it, stating that she would like to be at hand without having to spend all of her time out there, herself. Besides, if I learned one thing from End Waking merging down, it was that the less I have to think about my body, the easier it is to focus on my mind. Comfort will only ever help.'' +The skunk shrugged and lapped at her coffee. ``Back when I was her, I did not think of myself that way. True Name did not think of herself that way. I know Hammered Silver does, and I am sure that others do as well. It is accurate, enough. Both can be true at once.'' -They also supplied her with ready water, juice, and a few comforting snacks on one of the bedside tables so that she wouldn't have to get up just to go to the kitchen. +``I wonder what would happen if all of you were able to merge back down into one instance again,'' he mused. ``Would that get close to being her?'' -Another beanbag was added by the bed, in case she requested that they stay in there for any length of time, and a more comfortable bench-swing was added to the balcony in case she needed to go outside but wasn't feeling up to walking down to the prairie itself. +May fell silent, looking out the window at the fields over the rim of her mug. -It felt like rather a lot of preparations to make just for a merge, but then May had last merged down 83 years before ey had uploaded—nearly 64 before ey'd even been born—and after seeing how intense End Waking's merge had been, none of them felt up to cutting any corners and having to rush comfort after the fact. - -Finally, though, there was nothing left to do, no further preparations to be made that weren't just stalling, so May took eir hand to hold em still so that ey'd quit pacing. - -``I don't even know why I'm fretting so much, I'm not even the one merging.'' - -True Name smiled faintly and shrugged. ``I am fretting too, do not worry.'' - -``It is a big event,'' May added. ``It will be an even bigger merge and, while it may be more comfortable than End Waking merging down as she has said, it will be no less complex.'' - -Ey sighed and nodded, squeezing her paw before tugging eir hand free. ``Right. I'll relax and leave you to the rest of it.'' - -``Please stay, Ioan,'' True Name said quietly. - -``Stay?'' - -``Yes. Please stay. I do not think it will be dramatic, but, well\ldots{}'' She hesitated and frowned. ``You are a grounding person. Is that not what my counterpart on Castor said about Codrin? I appreciate your presence.'' - -Ey considered any number of responses ey could give before just nodding. If nothing else, ey didn't want to hold either of the skunks up from what would most certainly affect both of them more than it would em. - -May forked and the new instance climbed up onto the bed with True Name, the two skunks kneeling, facing each other, amid all the blankets and pillows. - -%\AddToHookNext{shipout/after}{\includepdf[pages={1},noautoscale=true,fitpaper=true]{assets/merge}} - -Both Ioan and True Name watched as the down-tree instance of May scrubbed her paws over her face vigorously for a moment, gave a shaky wave, and then quit. True Name winced and screwed her eyes shut, and the May who had knelt with her on the bed reached out and took the skunk's paws in her own. - -``Go ahead.'' - -It was still another ten seconds or so before True Name managed to relax enough to permit the merge to progress, and even then the only visual indication was a slow slump of her shoulders and a relaxing of the muscles of her face. - -Ioan stuffed eir hands in eir pockets and did eir best to feel rooted to where ey stood, hoping against hope that ey could keep from pacing. May watched True Name carefully, eyes searching her features for what ey could not tell. She seemed almost frozen, breathing shallowly despite the relaxed set of her features. - -And ey stood and watched them both. - -The three of them stayed like that for nearly five minutes—two skunks kneeling on the bed while ey watched from beside it—before True Name moved again. - -``Oh\ldots oh, I cannot\ldots{}'' she whispered, and started to sag over to one side. - -May shushed her quietly and helped her to lay out on her side before settling down with her. They curled together, still facing each other, nearly snout to snout and still holding paws. - -Ey stood and watched. Then ey sat on the beanbag and watched. Watched and waited, though ey wasn't sure what for. - -It was more than an hour before May forked beside em, took eir hand, and led em from the room. Neither of the skunks on the bed had moved or made a sound other than May asking True Name if she was okay at one point and the other skunk shaking her head. - -Once the door was shut behind them, May let out a shaky sigh and padded over to the kitchen. ``That was very hard.'' - -``Why, do you think?'' ey asked. - -She took a moment to pour herself a glass of water before replying. ``I want to be here with you, and I also want to be in there with her, and I also want to go back in time and tell her I do not want to merge, and I also want to go back in time and merge instead of End Waking, and\ldots a-and\ldots{}'' - -``Come here, May.'' - -She clutched the water to her chest with both paws, stumbling blindly around the kitchen counter so that ey could guide her to the beanbag. - -She sat down and let Ioan rub her back. Only once she could manage a sip or two of water, she said, voice hoarse, ``Did I fuck up, Ioan?'' - -Ey was still teasing apart the day—or perhaps the last month—but all the same, ey did eir best to respond to what ey suspected lay beneath the surface of the question. ``Do you think she resents you for not just letting her be True Name?'' - -May whined and set the water glass aside, shifting on the beanbag until she could rest her head on eir thigh. ``I worry that the real reason she wanted to do this was because there is no going back to who she was. One of those `fuck it, burn it all down' situations.'' - -``There could be some of that, but is that so bad?'' - -``I do not know,'' she mumbled. - -``Can you imagine her being okay staying as True Name and being all cooped up for the rest of eternity?'' - -She snorted. ``God, no. I think she would lose it.'' - -``Same, yeah. She'd probably try to pull a Dear or something.'' - -``And hate every minute of it. You heard her, she likes who she was and all that she did. I cannot imagine her letting that go.'' - -Ey nodded and combed eir fingers through the fur on the nape of her neck. ``So she'll be left with a complex view of that—or, well, a couple of them, I guess—maybe enough for her to change how she moves through the world. Think it'll be enough for Jonas?'' - -The skunk rolled until her face was nearly pressed against eir belly to let em pet. ``I do not know,'' she mumbled. ``I do not think even she knows.'' +``I do not know,'' she said eventually. Her voice sounded far away, older than Ioan had ever heard it sound before. ``I wish I did, but I do not know.'' diff --git a/mitzvot/content/030.tex b/mitzvot/content/030.tex index fde25e5..9c30736 100644 --- a/mitzvot/content/030.tex +++ b/mitzvot/content/030.tex @@ -1,407 +1,265 @@ \begin{center}\rule{0.5\linewidth}{0.5pt}\end{center} -Sleep was the first obstacle they ran into. +``She's still not back?'' -While True Name had, at one point, sat up long enough to drink half a glass of water, she had yet to leave the bed, and with her still down for the count, the instance of May that had remained was unwilling to leave her side, even for dinner, which she declined. +May shook her head, tugging Ioan by the hand over to their beanbag. ``Not yet. I would like another day before we go seeking her out, though, okay?'' -``You don't think sleeping with her will be enough to keep you comfortable through the night?'' +Ey nodded as ey let emself be tugged along. Relaxing for even just a few minutes with eir partner certainly sounded better than tramping out into the woods around the lake, and some part of em marveled at just how much ey felt like ey needed it. \emph{Some day,} ey thought. \emph{I'll stop being surprised at what May's made out of me.} -She rolled her eyes and poked em in the stomach with a dull claw. ``It is not just that I do not want to sleep alone. I want to sleep with you.'' +It wasn't so bad being hooked on touch and affection, though. Ey'd grown to cherish all of those little loving gestures, and flopping down on the beanbag to let May curl up on eir front and just do nothing sounded like an ideal way to spend a day if True Name was comfortable where she was out at Arrowhead Lake. -Ioan blinked, laughed, and rubbed at the back of eir neck. ``Right, sorry, I guess I've been stuck on logistics mode for a bit.'' +With neither of them feeling all that keen on talking further, they simply lounged on the beanbag together, reveling in the spring-tinted sunlight. A little napping, a little petting on skunks, but mostly just calm and quiet. -``Is this not emotional?'' +It wasn't until nearly dinner that they stirred again, Ioan squirming until ey could sit up on the beanbag cross-legged, letting May lounge, draped across eir lap. -``It is! I'm just\ldots overwhelmed or something.'' +``I have been thinking,'' May began, sounding more dozy than anything. ``But I would like to ensure you are willing to talk about this whole merger business before I shove us into a conversation.'' -May nodded and looped her arms up around eir shoulders. ``That much I understand, my dear.'' +``I can do that, sure.'' -``Would it make sense if I added a cot or something in there? I could at least sleep nearby.'' +``Would it be unfair of me to merge down?'' -She perked up and tilted her head. ``One moment. Or\ldots well, come with me.'' +``Unfair how?'' -May led em to True Name's room where the skunk was slouched over on the bed, head resting in the other instance of May's lap, the two of them tucked into the nest of pillows in the corner. +She shrugged. ``There are three of us in the equation, are there not? For me to merge down takes the uniqueness of our relationship away from the two of us and turns it into a burden for her.'' -``Let me reduce--'' The May who had stayed with Ioan quit, leaving the other instance of her to quickly incorporate the merge and continue, ``--conflicts. True Name, are you able to speak?'' +Ey nodded and teased a few fingers through her fur. ``I can see that, I guess. Even if it's not something that she acts on, or if she even does anything with the memories, whatever you feel about us becomes something she can feel too.'' -The answer was a long time coming. ``Some,'' she croaked. +``Yes. As I mentioned, I am perhaps jealous of that. I would like what we have to be our own.'' -May nodded. ``I am not going to leave, but it is getting close to bedtime. I am also not comfortable not being near Ioan. May ey sleep in here with us?'' +``I think we agree on that. How do you mean `unfair', though?'' -True Name slowly rolled her head to the side enough to squint at Ioan through one eye. Her cheek-fur was a mess of tear tracks. ``Ioan?'' +She twisted around until she could poke her nose on em. ``Because it would be an act that I would take. Even if we all were to agree, it is me that is changing our relationships. I would be the one taking away that uniqueness and turning it into a burden.'' -``I can make a cot by the bed,'' ey said, then laughed. ``Or just another, smaller bed, I guess. No need to make one of those uncomfortable things.'' +Ioan tugged the skunk up a little further until ey could get eir arms around her. Something about her words didn't sit right with em, and ey needed at least a little bit of time to think it out. -She slowly pushed herself up to a sitting position, though she remained half-slouched against May. ``Can you\ldots make the bed bigger?'' +Perhaps she was still overflowing, in a way. At the tail end of it, sure, but every time in the past, she had waited until she was essentially feeling better before fetching em back from Douglas's, whereas this morning, she seemed to have forced herself out of that state, rightfully or otherwise, to at least not be alone. -``Well, I mean\ldots{}'' ey shrugged helplessly, looking to May. +There was some slight distortion here, though, a way of thinking that didn't quite mesh with her personality. Ey agreed to an extent, but it was her framing that was bothering em most. -The skunk tilted her head back against the wall, looking up to the ceiling thoughtfully. ``I do not see why not, I suppose,'' she said, sounding distant. +``So,'' ey began, choosing eir words carefully. ``I did say that I'm really starting to not feel so great about the idea, but I'm not totally sure I agree with how much of that you're putting on yourself. You sound preemptively guilty.'' -``Worried?'' True Name mumbled. +May squirmed out of eir grasp to sit on the beanbag alongside em, elbows on knees and face in paws. -Ioan shifted eir weight uncomfortably from one foot to the other. ``I just, uh,'' ey stammered. ``I don't want to make things weird. I can't even imagine all you're going through.'' +``I'm sorry, May. Maybe this isn't--'' -True Name laughed hoarsely. ``It is not a comfortable\ldots time for us, no.'' She sighed, sat up further, and rubbed at her face. ``Preference\ldots make bed larger and join\ldots second choice, other bed.'' +``No, you are right,'' she mumbled, sounding miserable. It tugged at eir emotions to the point where ey had to restrain emself from tugging her back in for a hug, though her posture kept em at bay. ``I am not at baseline yet. Nothing makes sense. It is like having my emotions refracted through a glass of water. I probably should not even be talking about it.'' -Ey nodded. ``I can make the bed bigger. Should I make a second set of covers?'' +``It's important, I just don't want you to push yourself if you're not out of the rough patch yet.'' -She swallowed several times in a row, a sign of tears to come ey well knew from May. ``Can I ask\ldots can you two\ldots{}'' +``Right, yes.'' She sighed, pushing herself wearily off the pouf. ``Everything feels so urgent, though. I feel like we must have this conversation now if we are to have it, or else the opportunity will evaporate. I know that it does not work that way, that this is not logical of me, but this is not a logical time.'' -May got her arms around the skunk and shushed her gently. ``We will work it out.'' +Scooting to the edge of the beanbag, Ioan stood as well. ``I know. We have months before we run up against Jonas's deadline, but if he's sending assassins after True Name, it sure does make it feel urgent.'' -Ioan hesitated a moment longer before willing the bed to expand another half meter in width. A second set of covers and pillows spooled themselves out onto it as well, just in case. +The skunk padded over to the kitchen, swiping a few of the dishes that Ioan had left prepared into being, lining them up in a row. ``Yes, and I cannot easily let that go. I want her to be other than she is specifically to not be so under his thumb. I want her to be better than she is to be less of what she has become, and yet even those thoughts feel like distortions. Choose your plate, my dear.'' -Ey paced back and forth a few times, shook eir head, then waved a hand again to bring a set of pajamas into being on the bed. Sleeping in eir usual dress of a pair of boxers didn't seem quite appropriate at the moment. +Ey picked one mostly at random, winding up with a grilled cheese sandwich and some soup. ``I had been wondering as to your reasons. I felt like the idea just kind of popped into my mind based on what she was talking about at the time, what with Zacharias and all, but it came at such an inopportune time for me to actually ask why. Is it\ldots I mean, do you feel the need to fix things like we've been talking about with me?'' -May blinked down at the clothes, giggled quietly, and shook her head. \emph{``You are such a nerd,''} she subvocalized through a sensorium message so as not to disturb True Name. \emph{``It is a good idea, but you are a total nerd.''} +She hesitated, sighed, shook her head. ``I do not know, Ioan.'' -Ey shrugged helplessly, gathered up the loose lounge pants and shirt to go change. +Ey nodded, letting the subject drop. It didn't seem open to discussion. -\emph{``I have no clue how tired I even am,''} ey sent once ey returned. \emph{``Or if I'll even be able to sleep here.''} +May picked up a plate of mashed potatoes and asparagus, shooing em back to the dining room table. ``I just think that she has become so singular a person that she cannot but be controlled by Jonas. Her role in guiding the System is no less real; she did the work that she does and she did it both well and proudly. But she built herself into a tool without realizing it, and over the centuries, Jonas has been teaching himself to use that to his advantage, to use her as a tool.'' -\emph{``If you need to sneak off to sleep in our bed, you can.''} +``And rounding her out more with merges would help make her more of a generalist?'' -\emph{``I'm} also \emph{unwilling to sleep without you, so\ldots``} +Laughing, she set her plate down, tugged out her chair, and fell heavily into it. ``Generalist is a very utilitarian way to put it. You are not wrong in that it would allow her to be more than a unitasker, but it would also make her more of a person, harder to control. Someone as focused as her is easy to pin down.'' -Her expression softened. She tilted her muzzle down to whisper something to True Name, and when she received a nod in response, she signed \emph{okay} and patted the bed to invite em up. +``I would've thought she'd see that coming, though.'' -Ey nodded and climbed onto the (now much larger) bed so ey could settle down beside May in the nook of pillows. Getting eir arm around her, ey let her rest her head on eir shoulder. It was a little awkward with True Name still slouched against her side, but it worked well enough. +``Well, you have heard what she has said. She has been fed bad information by her spies--'' -\emph{``I'm surprised she's so\ldots physical,''} ey sent. +``And the other True Names. At least \#Castor.'' -\emph{``She was not, at first, but I suspect she is working her way from past to present. She slowly got closer and closer as she learned how I did the same.''} +She frowned, finished chewing on her asparagus. ``There is also that, yes. It is a guess, but I think you are right. How and why he managed to work them into this plan to only subvert this instance of her is another question that I think we would all like an answer to. All the same, she has been fed bad information and had aspects of her life leveraged against her, and now, for whatever reason, Jonas is making his power-grab.'' -It made sense, at least. Whenever ey'd dealt with a longer merge—eir longest had been around thirteen months, and a particularly boring project at that—it always felt like the memories were interleaving themselves in with the ones ey already had, histories slowly zippering themselves into consensus. Conflicts, then, were the snags one encountered along the way, and one would have to dump energy into either reconciling or discarding memories. It was a very consuming task, and that True Name had been able to speak at all was far more than ey could have done. +``Aspects of her life meaning Zacharias?'' -\emph{``Think it's overriding the bits of her and End Waking that aren't keen on touch?''} ey asked. +``Yes,'' she said. ``I will not call it a weakness, even as awful as he sounds. To have a relationship is not a weakness.'' -\emph{``Must be.''} +Ey chuckled, dipping the corner of eir sandwich into the soup. ``That's a very May statement.'' -\emph{``How are you doing with it?''} +``Of course it is,'' she said primly, stabbing another spear of asparagus before biting off the top. ``But this is yet more guesswork. I cannot say for sure that Zacharias is purely working in the hands of Jonas, but from all that she has said to me, I do not think I am too far off the mark.'' -She sighed, at which True Name squinted up to her, then over to Ioan, offering a weak smile before settling back into processing. +They ate in silence for a few minutes. -\emph{``I do not know, my dear. It has activated all of my care instincts, so I am happy to make her comfortable in all of the ways I know how. It helps, then, that those are all of the ways she knows now, too, or at least is learning. If I focus on that, I feel very positive. It is only when I get distracted and ruminating that I begin to spiral. It is more comfortable for me to focus on caring for someone now than it is to think about boundaries or Zacharias or Jonas.''} +While ey didn't mind May's ideas of comfort food, they were not especially well spiced. This was mostly by design, ey suspected, as eating spicy or sour foods when one has been (or still is) crying sounded unpleasant. Still, there was much to be said about the comfort of a good grilled cheese dipped in soup. -Ey kissed between May's ears, murmuring, ``You're a good person, May.'' +``But yes,'' the skunk continued once she'd cleaned her plate. ``There was some aspect of vengeance to my and End Waking's plan, but now I just want her away from Jonas. I do not know yet whether or not I like her or want her to stay in our lives in any way, shape, or form, but I do know that I want her away from him. I want her to live and to--'' -The skunk lifted her snout to tuck it up under eir chin. +Both Ioan and May jolted in their seats as a flash of adrenaline ran through them. A view of a forest, a lake shore, pile of wood not yet lit, and, sitting on a log across from that, another furry. His facial structure was very similar to Dear's but where the fennec had wound up with that pristine white fur, he had ruddy orange except for the white on the underside of his chin and a dark apostrophe of fur on either side of his snout. Where Dear had wound up with almost absurdly large ears, his felt far more in proportion, along the lines of May's and True Names, though much pointier. -``You two\ldots are disgusting,'' True Name mumbled. ``Keep it up.'' +One thing Dear and this new fox did share in common was the snappy dress. Where Dear had wound up in a sharp androgyny, though, the red fox had turned it into a prim masculinity that was, ey had to admit, quite effective. Black trousers, a white shirt and charcoal waistcoat, and a suit jacket. It was topped off with a simple tie and affected cane, currently being twirled lazily between black-furred paws. -May laughed and tightened her grip around her briefly. ``Hush, you. We will work on going to bed soon. I hope that you can get some sleep.'' +It was just a glimpse, less than a second's worth of sensorium input, but enough for em to make a guess. -She only shrugged. +``Is that Zacharias? Wait! May! Oh, God damnit.'' -``Well, either way, I will let you keep the corner nest and be right here. Ioan can take the outside.'' +The skunk had already stepped away -``Keeping em\ldots away?'' +``We have guests!'' Zacharias said, standing up and dusting off his trousers. ``I was not expecting guests. How cheeky.'' -May frowned. ``I am keeping myself close to you.'' +True Name was still kneeling before the pile of wood in what had clearly become her firepit. ``I am trying to imagine a world in which I should trust you enough to be alone with you,'' she growled. ``And failing.'' -``I kid. I have not\ldots even gotten there, yet,'' True Name said, slowly pushing herself up once more and frowning at just how far away the glass of water was. Ioan leaned forward to grab it for her. She drank carefully. ``But if it\ldots also keeps awkwardness down\ldots that is good, too.'' +``Spicy, tonight, are we not?'' He grinned, turning to bow extravagantly to Ioan and May. ``Mx. and Mrs.~Bălan, I presume?'' -Ioan accepted the glass from her once she finished, re-filling it from the pitcher they'd brought in and setting it on the windowsill near the nook so that she could get to it herself. ``We can talk about that later. For now, I think it'll work alright.'' +``We are not married,'' May said, growling nearly as well as True Name. ``What the fuck are you doing here?'' -True Name nodded and settled down into her nest of pillows. +``Oh, just popping in to say hi, is all,'' he said cheerily. ``Zacharias, by the way. Nice to meet you, Ioan. My dear May Then My Name, it has been more than two hundred years!'' -May and Ioan stayed up a little longer, chatting through sensorium messages to let True Name process in peace. Cognizant of her mention that she felt better when not thinking about boundaries, ey kept the topics light, asking about favorite things and letting her rant about plays from her past that she'd hated. +``Well, hi,'' she said. ``Now get out.'' -Nearly an hour later, just as May started to nod off, True Name yelped and sat up, scrambling back against the wall away from them. ``You know!'' she shouted. ``Codrin knows!'' +``Oh, I just got here, though!'' He pouted, looking between the three of them. Then the smirk returned, along with a wicked glint to his eye. ``Besides, what are you going to do about it, my dear? Bounce me?'' -It took only a moment for understanding to click into place. Both ey and May sat up to give her a bit more space. +May frowned, but remained silent, arms crossed over her chest. None of them had the ACLs for such. -``Hush, my dear,'' May said, voice soothing. ``It is okay. Remember Dear's letter.'' +``Right, I thought not. Well! Have a sit, I was just saying hi to True Name, but what's another two asses in seats?'' -``I\ldots I cannot-- It is too much!'' +Neither Ioan nor May moved. -Ioan held still, hands flat on eir thighs. The urge to wipe the sweat from eir palms was pressing against em, but ey wanted to at least appear calm, even if ey didn't feel such. +``Well, fuck you, too, then,'' he said, laughing, and sat back down. ``So, True Name, my little stink bug, how are you? Roughing it out here?'' -May began to crawl towards True Name, then stopped when her cocladist shied away from her. ``Codrin has not spoken it aloud, not even with True Name\#Castor. I confirmed with Dear: ey only said \emph{that} ey heard it, and that is all that ey told Ioan.'' +The skunk glowered down to the striker and knife, quickly sparking up a coal in the leaf-litter tinder she'd gathered. She blew on it a few times before setting it in a pile of larger kindling. ``I am on vacation. What the fuck does it look like?'' -She snatched a pillow from the pile and clutched it to her chest, wide-eyed. ``Why?'' +``Like you are roughing it.'' -``Ey couldn't be the only one,'' Ioan said quietly. ``We don't do as well under pressure as you, we don't\ldots well\ldots{}'' +She rolled her eyes. -``Keep secrets?'' she growled. +``Look, why are you really out here?'' Ioan asked. ``Clearly it isn't just to say hi, and clearly you got access somehow. Got news from Jonas or something?'' -May held up her paws disarmingly. ``They keep secrets very well. They just do not keep many.'' +``Very perceptive!'' Zacharias said, grinning happily. ``Just out here checking up on True Name to see if she has any further thoughts on our little gathering.'' -She glanced sharply at May, then said to Ioan, ``Ey did not tell you the Name? No one else knows?'' +``Checking up on someone you tried to assassinate?'' -``No.~The message was individual-eyes-only. I haven't even shown May.'' After a moment's thought, ey added, ``But I can unlock it for you, if you want. It's in an exo I haven't looked at since.'' +``Oh goodness, not me! You can place the blame for that squarely on Jonas.'' -``Sweep the whole sim,'' she snapped. +May laughed humorlessly. ``Right, and poor Zack just had to sit by and--'' -Ey nodded, swept the sim of everyone but the three of them, and instructed the perisystem architecture to print out the \emph{0 individuals swept} receipt onto a slip of foolscap, which ey handed over. +The fox was up in a flash and, with a back-handed swipe, slapped May across the muzzle, getting a yelp out of her and a shout out of Ioan. ``You do not have permission to use that name,'' he hissed. -``Move back, May Then My Name,'' she instructed, quieter this time. When May obliged, the skunk crawled closer to em and set up a cone of silence with secure visual ACLs. She was panting and shaking, though ey was pleased to see that at least the anger that had swelled briefly had subsided once more into something more manageable. Ey didn't think any of them were up for a shouting match. Once she'd knelt beside em, whispered, ``Show me.'' +It took Ioan a few seconds to process what had just happened, but then fury welled up within em faster than any other emotion ey'd felt before. Had ey ever even felt fury before? A small part of em marveled at the unfamiliar feeling. -Ey drew the sheet out of the air, holding it up for True Name to see the fully redacted text, then unlocked it for her eyes only and handed it over. +The rest was already swinging. -She read it through top to bottom a few times, set it down and kneaded her paws against her face, then picked it up to read it once more. +The blow never landed. Ioan found emself stumbling backwards several paces. Zacharias stumbled back in the opposite direction. Both of them shouted and worked to regain their footing. -Finally, shoulders sagging, she handed it back. ``Re-secure it and destroy it, please.'' +The two new instances of May that had appeared, partially overlapping with where they had once stood, winked out of existence. ``Yes, yes,'' she drawled, taking Ioan's hand in one paw to hold em back while the other rubbed at her muzzle. ``We all know you are good at what you do. Get to the point.'' -Ey did so and held up eir hands. ``I'm sorry, True--'' +With a huff, the fox stood up straighter, smoothing out his rumpled clothing. ``Right. True Name. Are you coming tonight? If not, when shall we expect you?'' -She patted eir arm with a shaking paw. ``Please do not apologize.'' After dropping the cone of silence, she continued, ``I should have\ldots I should have learned from\ldots I am sorry.'' +The skunk shook her head, still glowering. ``I am not coming tonight, no. If I have been given the luxury of a year to meet,'' she said, tone dripping with sarcasm. ``Then we will meet when I say we meet.'' -May held out a paw once more, and this time True Name took it, letting herself be guided back to the nest of pillows, where she slumped down once more, expression glassy. ``Could themself have peeped—And seen my Brain—go round —'' she mumbled. +``If you say so.'' Zacharias was back to smirking. That hatred still bubbling within Ioan urged em to consider just how delightfully punchable that expression was. ``Well, we will look forward to it, then, I suppose! And you two will be there as well, yes?'' -``Rest, my dear. It is okay,'' May said quietly. ``Do you want company?'' +``Your piece of shit boss hired me, didn't he?'' -``Too much\ldots but I\ldots{}'' After a shuddering breath, she shook her head. ``I will\ldots be fine. We will speak later.'' +``That he did, Mx. Bălan! That he did.'' He turned to May, eyebrows raised expectantly. -May nodded and crawled back over to Ioan, nudging em to lay down so that she could tuck in against eir front. She remained tense, and when ey sent a gentle sensorium ping, she sniffled and shook her head. +``Yes, I will be there,'' she said. Her hackles were still up, free paw still bunched into a fist. -Tiredness eventually won them over, though, and, despite the room being mirrored from what ey was used to, the bed was the same, comfortable one ey'd slept in for the last century, the house held the same sense of `home' as ever. May curled against eir front as she always did, and while it was strange seeing True Name just beyond her, it was still where ey belonged. +``And End Waking? Would not want the stanza to be incomplete, would we?'' He grinned broadly to True Name, ``And no, my little stink bug, you do not count.'' -The last thing ey remembered before falling asleep was watching the way True Name had curled to face May, the two skunks holding each others' paws once more, and thinking to emself, \emph{This isn't how I pictured things winding up if I had somehow been able to fix things between them, but it could certainly be worse.} +``He has not answered yet,'' she said. She'd regained her composure, staring at Zacharias steadily. ``We will speak with him. Tell Jonas message received and leave me the fuck alone.'' -\begin{center}\rule{0.5\linewidth}{0.5pt}\end{center} +He once more bowed with a flourish. ``I live to serve, Rintrah my dear!'' he said, sing-song. ``Any other messages for me to relay while hungry clouds swag on the deep?'' -Waking brought confusion. Something about the inversion from their normal bed, of having fallen asleep on eir other side than ey usually did, induced a subtle sense of vertigo at first. The pajamas were also bunched up around em strangely, adding a subtle sense of constriction. As sleep slowly seeped away, though, the feeling lessened and ey was able to relax in the warmth beneath the covers. +``Yes, tell Jonas to quit sending his most foppish lackeys,'' she shot back. -Warmer than expected, perhaps. May was still in eir arms, as usual, but the position felt off with the addition of a second warm bulk. +``But my dear! I am here specifically to drive the point home! You are in so far over your head that even `little loverfox' is a part of your fate.'' He laughed gleefully. ``Oh, it sounds so evil, does it not? Cartoonishly so! There is no way that I can even begin to talk about this without sounding like a mustache-twirling villain. That I might say things like `encompass your doom' just tickles me pink. We will see you soon, yes?'' -Ey tried to puzzle it out through the fog of doziness that still surrounded em. Eventually, ey gave up and levered eir eyes open, blinking a few times to bring the world into focus. +True Name nodded. ``Yes. Now, fuck off.'' -At some point in the night, True Name had apparently rolled over and wound up curled in May's arms, much as she was curled in eirs, and with with eir arm resting atop May's, ey was left hugging two skunks. +``Righto!'' He turned and winked to May, adding, ``So wonderful to see you again. Cannot say I share your taste in partners, but times change, I suppose. Mx. Bălan, I look forward to speaking soon.'' -Ey lay there for a while, groggily trying to piece together eir thoughts on the situation. As far as ey could remember in eir still sleep-addled state, ey'd never been this close to True Name before. There had been the occasional casual touch, a few touches out of necessity—grabbing her hand to get away from Guōweī, lifting her after End Waking's merge—but even going back to when ey'd first met her, there'd been very little touch. It made sense, given her personality, and yet here she was, all cuddled up with the two of them. If nothing else, ey should probably decide whether or not to extricate eir arm from the situation to ease that awkwardness. +And with that, he stepped out of the sim. -Ah well, ey was probably worrying too much about this, just laying there and ruminating. +May's shoulders slumped. She let go of eir hand, padded over to kneel beside True Name, and hugged around her shoulders. ``I am sorry, my dear.'' -\emph{``You almost certainly are, Mx. Bălan,''} came the barest whisper of a sensorium message. \emph{``Especially if you are mumbling.''} +True Name did not return the gesture. No surprise, perhaps; neither she nor End Waking seemed all that big on touch. Instead she said, ``I apologize, you two. I do not know how they got the address to the sim.'' -Ey jolted at the words impinging on eir senses, getting a sleepy grumble out of May. +Ioan cursed. ``Guess that does mean it's compromised.'' -\emph{``Sorry,''} ey replied to True Name. +She nodded. -There was a note of amusement, of almost-laughter, as she sent, \emph{``It is okay, dear. What are you worried about? You only mumbled the last bit.''} +May leaned away from the hug, but took one of True Name's paws in her own. ``Come home,'' she said, voice and expression earnestly worried. ``Please. I know it is uncomfortable, but I do not want you out here alone.'' -Eir mind raced as ey tried to figure out how best to explain what ey'd been cycling over. +The skunk stared into the fire for almost a full minute, then looked off to the lake and nodded. ``Yes, I suppose you are right.'' She smiled faintly and added, ``I could also use a shower and a night's sleep on a real mattress. Perhaps we can discuss expanding an outdoor portion of your sim tomorrow, Ioan. I do not want to impose too much, but, well\ldots{}'' She waved her paw at where Zacharias had stood. -\emph{``I rolled over sometime in the night—I do not know when, I was memory-sick—and have been staying still to keep from waking you two. Would you like me to move?''} +``Of course,'' ey said, still doing eir best to tamp down eir anger. ``I can find something simple on the market for the time being.'' -\emph{``No\ldots{}''} ey replied hesitantly. \emph{``But you guessed right. I hope this isn't weird or anything. If you need to--''} +True Name knelt by the fire for a moment longer before dousing the flames. -\emph{``Ioan, I asked after your preferences,''} she chided. \emph{``I am okay, I promise.''} +Once they made it back to the house and True Name had showered, they sat around the dining table, each with a glass of wine from a bottle ey'd received years back. When True Name suggested that a drink was in order, Ioan and May readily agreed. -Ey hid the heat rising to eir cheeks by burying eir face in May's fur. \emph{``Right, sorry. You're okay there. I'm just being awkward.''} +Ioan couldn't guess why the two skunks had felt it was necessary, but ey needed something to try and blunt the edges of that anger that still spun within em. Ey wasn't sure ey'd ever truly felt fury before, but it turned out that watching eir partner get struck across the face was a really, really good way to bring out the emotion. -Ey felt True Name relax. \emph{``We both are. It is comforting and awkward in equal measure. One third of me is very happy to be held, one third would really rather not be touched, and one third is simply confused. I am of three minds.''} +Ey didn't like it at all. -\emph{``Have you finished merging, then?''} +Once ey'd reached the bottom of eir glass, ey sighed and said, ``Alright. What the hell was that about?'' -There was a subtle rustle of fur against pillow as the skunk shook her head. \emph{``I have the memories in place, but there are many conflicts yet to process. It is easier to put those on hold, at least, so that I can make fun of you for mumbling for a little bit.''} +``Jonas felt the need to show a bit of muscle,'' True Name said, voice flat and dull. ``He wanted to rub it in my face that he still has Zacharias in his pocket, that he knows where I am. I do not think he actually cared about asking me when we would meet, he was just making his leverage felt. I suspect he was planning on you two showing up as well, now that I think about it.'' -Ey smirked. \emph{``Har har. All the same, I'm glad you made it through to this far, at least.''} +``Why?'' -\emph{``Thank you, Ioan. As am I.''} +``To ensure that you also saw that power. If you two are to come to the meeting—as I think you must—then he wants you both to know that he will be there with a stacked deck.'' She rubbed a paw up over her snout, adding, ``I am sorry that you had to meet him.'' -They fell back into silence then. Ioan spent a while marveling at the mix of coziness and strangeness. It \emph{was} comfortable, there with the two skunks. May was in eir arms as she should be, and True Name, similar as she was, fit well enough in the mix. The strangeness, then, came from the knowledge that she was specifically True Name. This was so counter to what ey knew of her from the years prior, especially the version of her that she'd become over the past few weeks since End Waking's merge. +Ioan shook eir head. ``Was he always such an asshole?'' -Ey could already tell that she'd changed, though, even beyond the fact that she'd wound up as close as this. Her speech patterns were shifting once again, losing some of their formality, finding their way back to ground from the high-minded patterns she'd picked up from her other cocladist, and yet they weren't totally those of May, either. They didn't sound the same, just more alike than they had before. +After a tense pause, the skunk shook her head. ``He was not, no. Witty, smart, sharp-tongued, yes. An asshole, no.'' -She was tripled, now. She was True Name and she was End Waking and she was May. Whether or not she would become something new or remain thus ey didn't think even she knew. The adjustment would certainly take time for everyone. Ey liked End Waking quite a bit as a friend, but that friendship was different than that of eirs with True Name. Ey was friends with May, but in that way that partners were still friends beneath the romance of a big-R Relationship, and there was certainly no comparison to be made between the other small-r relationships. If she was of three minds, so was ey. +``Well, not looking forward to seeing him again, either way.'' Ey felt that anger turn within em again, felt the heat of the wine only add to it. ``I don't know who he thinks he is, coming after you like that, May.'' -\emph{``Unrelated to comfort or awkwardness, I am going to get up to make coffee,''} she sent, nudging em out of rumination once more. \emph{``I did not sleep, and if I do not have coffee soon, I shall surely die.''} +The silence that followed was even more tense than the one before, both skunks looking down at the table, both tracing the grain of the wood with a claw-tip. -May grumbled again when True Name rolled away from her, gathering the remainder of the covers and a stray pillow up to replace the space that had been left by her cocladist's absence. Ey couldn't tell if the skunk was actually awake or not, but she settled down once more, if nothing else. +``What?'' -True Name sat up and scrubbed at her face with her paws, wiping the grit of sleep—or perhaps tears—from her eyes. She grinned down to em. \emph{``My assessment remains. You two are so cute that it is disgusting.''} +May sniffled, shrugged, then smiled weakly to em. ``I am pretty sure he thinks he is me, Ioan.'' -Stifling a laugh, ey rolled eir eyes. \emph{``Blame May.''} +Ey blinked as the pieces clicked into place, then slouched back in eir seat, feeling like the breath had been knocked out of em. ``Well, huh.'' -\emph{``Way ahead of you, dear,''} she sent as she crawled out of bed. \emph{``I will make coffee and then I will need some alone time on the plain. I will ensure there is enough for all.''} +``You see now why I was so upset?'' -There was a quiet clattering from the kitchen, mugs being shifted about and the coffee pot being set in place, doubtless another instance of her making enough noise to let them know what she was up to. +The thoughts wouldn't quite fit together in eir mind. Two gears with no matching teeth. ``I'm sorry, I'm, uh\ldots{}'' Ey cleared eir throat, suddenly parched. ``\emph{He's} one of your old relationship forks? With True Name?'' -It was enough to wake May the rest of the way, the skunk stretching out against eir front and yawning wide before she shifted about to face em. ``Pillows,'' she mumbled, peeking down at the bundle she still held in her arms. ``Oh, did I\ldots?'' +She shrugged again, sniffled again, looked back down to the table. -Ioan nodded, placing a kiss atop her head. ``She said she rolled over against you, yeah.'' +``It is at least partly my fault,'' True Name said quietly. ``One of the earliest individuals I pointed May Then My Name towards was, without either of us realizing, one of Jonas's instances. He looked and spoke nothing like Jonas Prime, but was starting to get loud on the feeds. May Then My Name forked into a human form that we hoped would be appealing and became quite good friends with him, but I lost track of them both for several years. He stopped posting so much on the feeds, so I had little reason to worry about him, I thought.'' -``Sorry, Ioan.'' +``You must understand, I was a very different person back then,'' May mumbled. ``This was systime 7 Back before I was\ldots me.'' -``It's fine by me, I slept through most of it,'' ey said, chuckling. ``She and I talked about it a bit before you woke up. She's confused about it, but seemed like she needed it.'' +Ey frowned, but nodded for them to continue. -``She is learning my wicked ways,'' she mumbled against eir front. ``I am happy to hear that it was helpful and that you are okay with it, though.'' +``So, a few decades later,'' True Name said. ``Secession is in the past, the council is heading towards dissolution, and I am starting to relax. More friends from phys-side uploaded, more furries figured out how to exist within the System as they would like, and I started to meet more people outside work. One of them just happened to be this fantastically well-dressed fox who was just as witty as I felt. We became friends, then we became a bit more.'' She shrugged. ``That instance of Jonas had\ldots well\ldots{}'' -``Mmhm. How about you?'' +``Twisted. He twisted my fork into something that neither the me of today nor the me back then would have agreed to,'' May said bitterly and wiped at her face. ``He turned that version of me into a way of influencing True Name.'' -May yawned again before poking her nose up against eir chin. ``I do not know. I slept through it, too, apparently. It fits with what I said earlier, though. I am pleased to care for those around me.'' +``Yes. It was a long game. He drifted in and out of my life, over the centuries, and then, shortly before Launch, he showed up again and we began to get close. A few years after Launch, they took me out to dinner and dropped the whole thing on me all at once. I am told they did the same on each of the LVs as well, just with different framing.'' -``She also called us disgusting again.'' +Eir head was swimming at the flood of information, and when rubbing eir face didn't work to clear it, ey willed the drunkenness away and waved a glass of ice water into being. ``Which I don't get. Why are you so overwhelmed here and not on the LVs?'' -``That is because we are. Is that her making coffee?'' +The skunk twisted her wine glass between her fingers for a few quiet moments. ``I have always been focused on continuity and stability. I think that Jonas was as well, enough to go along with the launch project, but once it was done and that continuity was assured, we here on Lagrange let them go their own ways—the Guiding Council on Pollux and the previous status quo on Castor—while he focused on cementing his power. They were safely away with minimal influence here.'' -Ey nodded, nudging her snout with eir chin. +``Is that what this is all about?'' -``Good girl.'' +She nodded. ``We were in a steady state for many years after they explained everything. I was not happy, but I still liked the work that I had chosen and I did not know how to do anything else. It was the new tech from the Artemisians that pushed things over the edge. AVEC—Audio/Visual Extrasystem Communication—rather changes things and even though we agreed on what was to be done about it in a general sense, I think he does not want to risk his own specific vision not coming to fruition. He wants greater divergence, while I am more conservative.'' -A few minutes later, True Name returned, carrying three mugs of coffee. Ioan and May pushed themselves up to sitting so that they could accept. +They sat in silence, then, while Ioan tried to digest this. Ey was still furious at Zacharias, but now that fury had gained a layer of what almost felt like despair that someone such as him might have their roots in eir May. -``I am sorry I shouted last night. I think I understand Dear's letter better now.'' +At least it had all gone a long way towards explaining the dynamic on the three Systems. Who knew why the other True Names had decided to treat this one like they had, withholding valuable information, all but cutting her out of their plans. Clearly those few years between launch and Jonas and Zacharias's announcement had included additional shaping, both of her as well as the Systems. -May nodded. +``Fuck.'' -``I was wondering if you didn't know about\ldots all that before last night, honestly,'' Ioan said. +May kicked eir shin lightly beneath the table. ``Language, Mx. Bălan.'' -``I have been fed bad and incomplete information for years now. I had not suspected just to what extent. I am still frightened, if I am honest, but I will trust you two on this. It is complicated and bound up in emotions I do not understand, but I will trust you.'' She shook her head. ``But I cannot speak of it any more right now.'' +True Name looked between them, then grinned. ``No, May Then My Name, Ioan is correct. Fuck.'' -``Heading outside?'' ey asked. +``The Only Time I Know My True Name Is When I Dream of the Ode clade, you watch your mouth,'' May growled. -She nodded. ``Yes. I will need an hour or so of nothing but the morning and the grass.'' +They all laughed. Ey couldn't help but. It was all too much, and the humor so perfectly timed to defuse eir anger that it had to be intentional. Some of that anger must have showed on eir face. -``Of course.'' +\emph{Ah well, trust an Odist,} ey mused to emself. -May nodded. ``Take the space you need.'' +Aloud, ey said, ``You guys continue to be completely nuts. Thanks for explaining, though. I'm not going to figure it out tonight, so I'm going to have another glass of wine and space out on the couch.'' -True Name leaned over enough to dot her nose against the skunk's cheek. ``Thank you, dear. If you cook breakfast, I will refrain from telling Ioan embarrassing stories.'' +``Fantastic idea, my dear,'' May said. ``If I have to think about it anymore, I am going to start shedding and not stop until I am bald.'' -``Asshole.'' She laughed. ``Where did this humor come from?'' - -``Your guess is as good as mine, at this point.'' - -``She seems to be doing well,'' ey said, once she'd made her way outside and down the stairs to the prairie. - -``It helps that I did not drop a merge onto her unexpectedly. She had more to process, but more preparation to do so.'' - -``She said she's done getting the memories in order but working on conflicts now.'' - -May nodded. ``About a third of the way done, then.'' - -``It's really gratifying to see it going so much more smoothly this time.'' - -``Agreed, yes,'' she said between sips. ``I was not expecting her to turn into a cuddlebug, but I suppose that will level out before long. Was that awkward, this morning?'' - -Ey shrugged. ``A little, I guess. Just hard making it work in my head. Doesn't fit with what I remember of her.'' - -``I cannot picture you getting cozy with \emph{just} True Name, no. I can barely picture her getting cozy with anyone, and that is certainly not even bringing End Waking's general touch-aversion into the equation.'' - -``I'd assume she got cozy with Zacharias, if they were together.'' - -May's expression soured. ``We will need to talk about him soon, but I cannot talk about him now.'' - -``Of course.'' - -She made a setting aside gesture, stepping back to the previous topic. ``Did that feel like crossing a boundary?'' - -``Not particularly, no. It just felt like me being awkward, more than anything.'' - -``That is good, then.'' She finished her coffee and waved the mug away. ``I do not know how to feel about it, myself, because I do not know what she will be like when she has finished incorporating the merge. She is not yet settled enough, so I will forgive much that I might not otherwise.'' - -``It's not like she was hitting on me or anything,'' ey said, laughing. - -She smirked. ``Are you sure?'' - -Ey reached over to tug on one of her ears gently. ``Yes, I'm sure. I'm dense, but not \emph{that} dense.'' - -The skunk tilted her head at the tug, laughing. ``Has your opinion of her as a friend changed?'' - -Ioan tilted eir head. ``How do you mean?'' - -``I do not imagine that you felt the same about her when she was just True Name as you do now about who she has become. Or is becoming, at least.'' - -``Well, no,'' ey hazarded. ``But I don't know just how, yet.'' - -``Me either.'' - -They reconvened over a simple breakfast of scrambled eggs and potatoes with toast. - -``I instructed my fork to quit,'' True Name said by way of opening the conversation. - -``Feeling positive about the merge, then?'' ey asked. - -``Yes. Having worked through some conflicts, it will not be easy, but I am comfortable with the direction in which it is going.'' She took a bite of toast piled high with egg and potato, chewing thoughtfully. ``It is not all positive, but it has given me hope for a pleasant life moving forward.'' - -``Was your life unpleasant before?'' When May frowned at em, ey held up eir hands. ``Sorry, maybe that's impertinent. It's not important.'' - -True Name shook her head. ``It is okay. It was, yes. It was fulfilling. I felt hopeful and comfortable with the path I had chosen. The work itself was starting to grate on me, but that had less to do with the work than the coworker. Pleasantness was never a focus for me, however.'' - -May, having subsided, finished her bite of toast before\pagebreak\ asking, ``Did you have hope for happiness with just End Waking's merge?'' - -``No.~Not at all.'' She reached out a paw to give one of May's a squeeze, adding quickly, ``Again, I understand—now more than ever—why you did what you did, and I do approve of it in light of what is happening with Jonas, but it was an uncomfortable duality in comparison to this more comfortable plurality and I may yet settle into a new singularity. I do not know.'' - -May smiled gratefully, returning that squeeze. - -``Meeting up with my fork hammered that point home pretty well. She looked\ldots well, I will not elaborate on the differences I saw. Seeing myself through her eyes, I can tell that she was pleased as well.'' - -``I am very happy to hear that,'' May said. ``Not least of which because you seem to be building a new self rather than simply a raw combination of us.'' - -True Name nodded, finished her plate before setting it aside. ``Thank you for breakfast, May Then My Name. Your secrets are safe for another day-- ow!'' - -``Your high station does not preclude you from being kicked, my dear,'' May said sweetly. ``You deserved that.'' - -The skunk preened. - -Ioan watched the exchange, grinning. Beyond just what she'd said, ey could read relief in May's features. That resentment towards her down-tree instance had never quite gone away, ey knew, and, on some level, it likely never would. Still, that True Name was, as the skunks had said, rebuilding herself into a new person seemed to have brought out a new sense of friendliness within eir partner that had been lacking to that point. - -Ey wondered if she would go through a reevaluation of who True Name had been before, much as ey had. It was certainly enough that she felt more positive, but ey—em and Codrin\#Castor, perhaps—seemed to have dropped much of that resentment that had lingered in May and so many others, though whether that was due to a difference in temperament or the relatively short time they'd known the skunk in comparison, ey couldn't tell. - -``Is it just me, or is eir mumbling getting worse?'' True Name stage-whispered to May. - -She whispered back, ``Perhaps the centuries are catching up to em. Is this how the Bălans crack? Should we warn Dear?'' - -``Are all skunks such pests?'' Ey smirked. - -They laughed. - -``I mumble more when I'm stressed, that's all.'' - -``Are you stressed now, my dear?'' May asked. - -``It's a stressful time overall, even if this particular morning is pleasant enough.'' - -``It feels rather like the morning after a sleepover, yes,'' True Name said. - -May nodded eagerly. - -``I've never had one of those, so I'll have to take your word for it. Do those always come with cuddling up in the morning?'' - -Both skunks splayed their ears and dipped their snouts. - -``It depends on the sleepover,'' May said, adding to True Name, ``Are you feeling well enough to discuss boundaries now?'' - -She hesitated. ``We can begin the conversation, though I will need to address further conflicts before long.'' - -``To be clear,'' Ioan said. ``I'm okay with it, it was just unexpected.'' - -True Name gave a hint of a bow. ``One thing that came up in our discussions leading up to the merge is that the one with the greater restrictions in a relationship defines the boundaries. Right now, I suspect that may be one of you two. I am the outsider, here. I have never had to have a conversation such as this.'' - -``My comment about you building up a new self has gone a long way towards soothing any fears,'' May said. ``I think I was worried you might incorporate my memories of the last few decades wholesale and wind up feeling exactly the way that I do about Ioan.'' - -True Name shook her head. ``I have taken to heart your requests and declined the personal memories you suggested. There are many conflicts,'' she said, speaking more slowly. ``Perhaps due to your feelings about me as I was, so I am not sure how I feel yet, but\ldots well, may I speak earnestly?'' - -May and Ioan both nodded. - -``On that point, I remember enough to know why it is that you love Ioan. I can see what it is that you see in em. It is as if\ldots{}'' She trailed off, ears pinned flat. ``This is so fucking embarrassing. I am sorry. Uh\ldots it is as though there is a world in which I could do the same, but I do not know how to get from here to there. Again, I am sorry, May Then My Name.'' - -There was a long silence around the table while Ioan and May digested this. True Name spent it resting her head in her paws and staring down at her plate. - -It was May who broke the silence, saying simply, ``May.'' - -True Name sniffled and lifted her head. ``Sorry?'' - -``Stop calling me May Then My Name.'' - -``I--'' - -``Do not make it weird, True Name,'' May said, laughing. She held out a paw toward the skunk ``Just fucking call me May already.'' - -``Right. May,'' True Name said, gingerly resting her paw in her up-tree instance's. - -``I do not know how you get from this world to that one, either, should that even be something you want, but,'' she said, taking a deep breath, ``so long as you come by that path earnestly and we discuss it in the moment, it is your path to take. Do you have any thoughts, Ioan?'' - -Ey held up eir hands. ``Don't look at me. I don't have a clue.'' - -They laughed. - -``We'll see, I guess,'' ey said, shrugging. ``It's all way too much for me to take in right now.'' - -``Perhaps that is a good place to pause,'' True Name said. ``This conversation has those conflicts begging for attention.'' - -``Of course, my dear,'' May said, giving her paw a squeeze. ``Go and walk. There will be time for discussions to come, especially once we are finished with this unpleasant political business.'' +Still grinning, True Name nodded. ``That is quite enough of the topic, yes. I am going to go outside for a bit and then I am going to go to bed.'' diff --git a/mitzvot/content/031.tex b/mitzvot/content/031.tex index cf67342..00009d7 100644 --- a/mitzvot/content/031.tex +++ b/mitzvot/content/031.tex @@ -1,155 +1,201 @@ -\hypertarget{debarre-2350}{% -\chapter{Debarre — 2350}\label{debarre-2350}} -\markboth{Debarre — 2350}{} +\begin{center}\rule{0.5\linewidth}{0.5pt}\end{center} -When Debarre received the ping from End Waking, he quickly excused himself from dinner and dashed out into the back yard to respond. The last time he'd received a message in the middle of a period of overflowing, it had been when the skunk's leg had been impaled on a branch, so he hoped against hope that it wasn't the entire tent washing away in a flood this time. It was getting on in spring—still a bit early for floods, but one never knew\ldots{} +Ioan could have sworn that ey and May had gotten enough sleep the night before. Even with her waking em up before dawn, they'd then gone on to sleep until nearly nine. Rather late for them. -``E.W.?'' he said. ``What's up? You okay? Is the tent?'' +Still, that night, they spent more than ten hours in bed. It had taken May a while to calm down by the time they did make it into bed, the skunk tossing and turning, first leaning in against em, then shifting away, as though the last bits of her overflowing spell kept her oscillating between wanting to be touched and not. Ey stayed quiet and still throughout, letting her decide what it was that she needed; ey was just happy to be back home. -``The tent is fine, my dear,'' he replied. ``I apologize if I interrupted, but I have some news regarding May Then My Name, Ioan, and True Name, and you requested that I message you. Besides, I need to speak about it with someone other than them. Someone not an Odist.'' +Eventually, though, they settled down into their usual spots and made it to sleep. -He frowned down to the lawn, kicking at a tuft of crabgrass. ``Well, if you're getting in touch, I'm assuming it's urgent.'' +It was almost certainly the stress from the day before, ey reasoned. So much had happened in so short a time. Even the time spent relaxing on the beanbag with May felt somehow productive, even if it was just resting. So much had been packed into those last few hours, though, and so much emotion overall through the day, that sleep became an imperative. -There was a sense of a sigh from the other end. ``I am sorry, Debarre.'' +True Name had spent most of the rest of the evening outside, dragging one of eir chairs from beneath the balcony to park herself in the yard. Despite the lingering vestiges of snow and the chill of the evening, she spent hours out there, either staring up into the sky or grooming bits of forest litter out of her fur. -``Fuck, I'm sorry, E.W. That came out way snarkier than intended. I understand. I only meant to ask if it was the type of thing where I should fork and come by right away.'' +Ey imagined that she must have made it into bed at some point, though she still woke well before them, as when they finally managed to pry themselves out of bed, there were two steaming coffee mugs sitting on the edge of the kitchen counter, one black and one sweet and creamy, and the skunk was once more sitting outside on the chair, tail wrapped around her feet and coffee held against her chest. -``Please,'' End Waking said, sounding relieved. ``There is nothing to be done, but I am very impatient to speak with someone.'' +Ioan sent her a gentle sensorium ping, just to let her know that they were awake, then sat at eir desk. Ey had no clue where to even begin, but if nothing else, ey had to have something comforting in front of em, something known. -``You? Impatient?'' Debarre laughed. ``I'll be right over.'' +``Well, nothing for it,'' ey mumbled, swiped a new notebook into being, and began to compile notes from the last few weeks. The work ey'd already done on the topic was useful enough, but it was starting to feel like it was not directed enough in the face of all that had happened. -He forked off Debarre\#RelEW and watched him step from the sim, then spent another few seconds looking out into the yard, trying to remember the last time anything had been so important that it had required him leaving immediately. Something other than a tree falling on his boyfriend, that is. +Ey began with a timeline, starting all the way back at the arrival of the Artemisians and that first meeting with True Name, then followed with a list of the times they'd met for coffee through the years. Ey dug through eir memories for any that stood out as particularly interesting. These were primarily early on, ey found, when they were still feeling out each others' boundaries, though the last few before the assassination attempt held some fascinating insights in the context of all that had happened since, as well. -``Well, shit,'' he muttered, turning to head back inside. ``This is gonna be a mess.'' +There was also information to fill in on the master timeline for the \emph{History}, as well. Information about Zacharias, about Jonas, about End Waking's divergence from True Name. + +Finally, the last almost three weeks were laid out in much finer detail. The assassination attempt, the clearing of the house, the meeting with End Waking, all the way up through the meeting with Zacharias the night before. + +``Ioaaan,'' May whined, pawing feebly at eir arm. ``Hungryyy.'' + +``Hmm? You're a big skunk, you can make breakfast.'' + +She stood up from where she'd been crouched beside em, laughing. ``It is well on lunchtime, my dear. Come up for air.'' + +``Wait, really?'' Ey frowned when ey checked the time. ``Great. Sorry about that, May.'' + +They pulled together the remaining few dishes of comfort food and called out to True Name to invite her in for a meal. Ey chose the last of the poor skunk's risotto, added a healthy dusting of pepper, and got another cup of coffee to go with it. + +``Thank you for lunch,'' True Name said, once she'd eaten most of her pasta. ``When you have a moment, Ioan, I would like to see about expanding the sim as we discussed.'' + +``Right, yeah. Sorry I got so distracted this morning.'' Ey browsed the markets for appropriate wide-open spaces ey could tack onto one of the borders of eir sim. Perhaps right beneath the skunk's window would be best. Ey could even extend the balcony and provide her with a set of stairs down into the space. ``Alright. What sort of environment? There's some pretty good plains and parks, an okay forest, hmm\ldots this mountain one isn't bad, but the trees are kind of planted in a grid.'' + +She grinned. ``That sounds cheesy. However, let us go with a plain of some sort. I do not want to go back to a forest unless it is the one I remember, and a park would be too sterile. Is there nothing like Arrowhead Lake? Something with water?'' + +Ey dug a little further, an act more akin to remembering than any actual physical browsing. It let em finish eir lunch, at least. + +``Alright, here's one that's a plain with a river and an oxbow lake. The landscape is just mirrored at the boundaries though, so it looks a little funny beyond the edges.'' + +The skunk had perked up at the mention of the river and was already nodding. ``That will do quite nicely, my dear. Are you able to scale it so that it will be a good size, at least?'' + +``Sure. Do you want to set it up now?'' + +She shrugged. ``If you are willing, yes.'' + +``Can I modify your room to give you an entryway to the area?'' + +``Please,'' she said gratefully. + +The three of them stood and walked into her room. Ey was somewhat crestfallen to see that ey really had just mirrored the view out of her window, as there was the chair she had been sitting in before lunch. That would mean ey'd have to place the new plot of land first, then modify the house again. + +Ah well, easy enough. + +Ey dumped a chunk of reputation into the purchase of the environment. Ey had plenty to spend and it wasn't very pricey, but it was still a noticeable ding, and ey was sure that Jonas would be keeping tabs on eir acquisitions. There was nothing to be done about it, though. + +The environment landed on eir mind much as a pending merge might, demanding to be placed somewhere. Ey instructed the sim to put it in the corner formed by the fence of their yard and True Name's bedroom, expanded to be a mile on a side. + +Once the pressure of the environment left eir mind, ey was free to instruct the sim to let the window view the new land, and from there to add an extension of the balcony, a second stairway down, and a door leading out from her room to the balcony. + +Ey slid the door open, beckoning to the two skunks. ``Alright, let's head out and check on it.'' + +As promised, they were greeted with what looked to be an endless series of perfectly parallel rivers fading into the distance with the way the boundaries simply mirrored the empty plain on the sides. The fact that the oxbow lakes were also repeated set up a grid effect that was slightly unnerving. Thankfully, the effect disappeared when they went down the steps and into the grass itself. They found the grass to be fairly well made and the ground to be delightfully uneven; no small feat when it was so easy to make a perfectly flat plane. + +``I can maybe have the boundaries look like fog, if that helps. You'll have fog all the way around you, but at least no repeating rivers.'' + +Both skunks straightened up, alarmed, then shook their heads as one. + +``Please do not, Mx. Bălan. This will be fine as is.'' + +The formality in her voice and the stiffness of her tone did not invite em to continue the topic, so ey did eir best to drop it. ``Alright. Well, I guess we can give this a go for a bit and make changes if we need. The weather and sun are synced across the whole sim, so if you need it warmer or drier, just let me know.'' + +True Name bowed. ``Thank you, Ioan. This will suit me quite well. It is a bit strange seeing a fence and part of a house, but at least that means I will be able to find my way back. May I have ACLs here?'' + +Ey nodded and made the grant. + +``Thank you once more.'' She smiled faintly and gave a hint of another bow. ``If you will excuse me, I would like to explore on my own. Perhaps we can catch up over dinner.'' + +``Sure thing.'' + +May, who had been quiet up until then, said, ``Thank you for coming back.'' + +True Name tilted her head. ``It was not safe there, May Then My Name. Your point about your proximity discouraging further contact is well proven. This will be better.'' + +``Yes, but thank you all the same.'' She laughed and waved a paw. ``I am sorry, disregard me. I am still not yet at baseline and it has me feeling emotional.'' + +The other skunk's expression softened and she leaned forward to give one of her paws a squeeze. It looked stiff and forced, but it was at least an attempt at a gesture that was more in line with May's mode of interacting. + +``I understand. I do not think I am there, yet, myself. I will see you at dinner, yes?'' + +Ioan and May both nodded and made their goodbyes. As a last concession to giving the skunk privacy, ey made a small gate in the fence leading into their yard so that they wouldn't have to go through her room if they needed to go out into her plain for any reason. It meant pushing through lilac bushes, but ey figured it'd be rarely used. + +``Can you work on the beanbag, Ioan?'' May asked once they were back inside. + +``Sure. Need some pets?'' + +She nodded. + +Asking how she was feeling felt counter to simply providing what she'd requested—something ey enjoyed plenty, as well—so they made themselves comfortable on the amorphous cushion. It didn't seem to be time for talking at all, so they settled on soft music instead. + +Ey wasn't sure what May was doing, whether it was simply soaking up the affection and close proximity or some more thoughtful task. For eir part, though, ey went back to work on organizing events as they'd happened. Who knew what would come next? \begin{center}\rule{0.5\linewidth}{0.5pt}\end{center} -Debarre\#RelEW was greeted by the sight of End Waking kneeling in the clearing across from May Then My Name. +The next few days passed in relative peace, with both Odists slowly leveling back out to their baseline moods. -``Oh, company,'' he said, frowning. ``Wasn't expecting two of you.'' +Or, at least, May leveled out to her baseline mood. There still seemed to be some internal struggle within True Name. It wasn't that she was having to step away to sulk or getting caught in anger as she had been when she had begun to overflow, but that the conflicts were still showing in long silences that would sometimes take her in the middle of conversations, especially when the topic of meeting with Jonas came up. -``You messaged\ldots wait, does that mean you are a fork?'' May Then My Name said, frowning at End Waking. +``I am not even sure if it is conflicts at this point,'' she admitted when ey brought it up. ``Or, well, I do not think it is conflicting memories any longer. Those have been integrated, by this point. I am experiencing conflicts in expectations. I feel doubled, as though there are two of me watching the same conversation and each would like to act in a different way.'' -``It does, yes.'' +``Are they not working together?'' May asked. -``I never knew you had it in you,'' she said, sounding proud. To Debarre, she said, ``Did this asshole tell you why I am here?'' +True Name leaned back against the couch and stared out the picture windows into the yard for a few minutes as she thought. ``Perhaps not, no,'' she said at last. ``It is difficult to reconcile those two parts of me. They are arguing, in a way. Each is strident in their belief, and some higher part of me will occasionally get stuck trying to get them to just settle down and fucking agree on a course of action or the next sentence or whatever it may be.'' -He gave her a hug before sitting down with them. ``He said it had something to do with you, Ioan, and True Name, and that he needed to talk to a non-Odist. That's why I was surprised.'' +Ioan nodded, saying, ``Sort of like Michelle and Sasha?'' -She grinned. ``You will have your chance, my dear. I will not be here long. I needed to step out for a moment, and figured I would catch End Waking up. I am happy to see you as well, though.'' +She shook her head. ``No, not quite like that, thankfully. There are some similarities—the sense of there being two parts of me, the internal split—but it is lacking the dire nature, whatever it was that made her completely helpless before the duality of her self. It is still something that I have some visibility into. I can respond as True Name would or as End Waking would, but I am still just me, and I am learning to unify those natures. I will perhaps never be singular, but I will doubtless unify into a synthesis before long. Just not yet.'' -``Happy to see you too. You're always welcome over to my place, too.'' +May fiddled with eir sweater vest from where she lay against em. ``I will admit that, for a while there, I was considering merging down with you before I saw how poorly End Waking's merge went.'' After the silence stretched out, she laughed nervously, adding, ``Sorry, I suppose that is a pretty awkward thing to say.'' -``Of course, yes. This did involve End Waking, though, so alas, I could not go make you uncomfortable with my flirting.'' +``It is okay, May Then My Name,'' True Name said, smiling reassuringly. ``A large part of me wishes that you had rather than End Waking, if I am honest. I understand why you did what you did, and I think on an intellectual level I agree with it, but on a personal level, I would much rather be integrating your memories than his.'' -He shoved at the skunk, who giggled. +She winced. ``That bad?'' -``Well, okay. What's up? You finally merge down?'' +``Uncomfortable,'' the other skunk corrected. ``I do wish perhaps that I had been able to fork or that I had been more cautious with the merge, but if I wanted to remain comfortable, I would have pushed back when you urged me to accept.'' -She blinked, looking startled. ``Yes, actually. How did you guess?'' +``What about May's merge would've been easier?'' Ioan asked. -``Ioan mentioned it when we talked last. How'd it go? Did she explode?'' +``Again, easier does not feel like the correct word. It would have been more comfortable. I would have understood the resentment that others feel for me, if that was indeed a goal, but it would not be the defining factor of the merge.'' -``Not at all, no. Actually\ldots{}'' She shrugged, poking at the dirt with a twig. ``Actually, I am finding myself rather fond of her, now.'' +``End Waking has mentioned that he defined himself by not being you, yeah.'' -``Bullshit,'' he growled. +She nodded. ``So I have learned. The self-loathing that falls out of that rests just this side of overwhelming at times. Perhaps that is why it is proving to be such a project to settle into something resembling a singular nature again. I imagine, given that May Then My Name has defined herself through something unique to her rather than some aspect of her relation to me, it would feel strange, but not so uncomfortable. Do correct me if I am wrong, though, my dear.'' -``Debarre,'' End Waking murmured. +May shook her head. -May Then My Name waved a paw. ``It is okay. You do not have to like her. You do not even have to interact with her. End Waking wanted you to know about some of the practical considerations, but neither of us are planning on swaying your opinion of her.'' +``Well, besides,'' Ioan added. ``She's certainly merged down way more recently than End Waking did.'' -He frowned and leaned back on his palms. ``Sorry. I guess I'm just worried about you. She's not exactly known for her openness and honesty without ulterior motives, so.'' +True Name tilted her head. -She smiled wanly. ``No, she is not. A fact I have not forgotten. Needless to say, I merged down, and she is making plans to meet up with Jonas, now.'' +``Ioan,'' May said quietly. ``Do you remember when you were working on the \emph{History} and I said that I was worried that you would be upset with me?'' -``That falls more in line with practical concerns,'' he conceded. ``And Jonas still wants both of you there?'' +Ey frowned, nodded. -``As far as I know, yes,'' End Waking said. ``I have spoken with True Name several times over the last few weeks and she has a plan of sorts. I do not know how successful it will be, but it is better than nothing.'' +``And do you remember how Dear told Codrin that the temptation to lie would be great?'' -``Wait, \emph{you've} been talking with her, too?'' +``What did you say to em, May Then My Name?'' -``Yes.'' +May sighed and brushed her paws up over her head. ``I said that I was working as launch coordinator to remain more in line with your expectations so that I could merge back down after the project was over, that we tried to do so every few decades.'' -He shook his head. He could already feel his hackles up, and this wasn't helping. ``Can't fucking believe it.'' +A silence stretched out once more. -May Then My Name frowned, leaned over to hug him around the shoulders, and whispered, ``I am going to leave you to it, but first, remember who you were, who you are, and imagine who you will become. Let go, have fun, but above all, remember that you love him and that he loves you. Those are the rules of engagement.'' +Eventually, Ioan reached up to tug at one of her ears gently. ``Skunks are so complicated.'' -After a moment's hesitation, he returned the hug. Had she said it in anything less than her most earnest voice, he might have scoffed, but as it was, he could see himself falling for the gentle manipulation as though from a meter above. He could resent her, but she had said exactly what it was that he needed to hear. +She let out a pent up breath as a laugh. ``I know. I am sorry. I am sorry to both of you. I believed it to be a small untruth that would never come up, much less be challenged. I wanted my relationship with True Name to seem simpler than it was to keep you feeling comfortable. I hoped that that would keep you from digging into my past. Fat load of good that did.'' -Because of course she had. She was May Then My Name Die With Me. She knew just how to. She was built to. +``When was the last time you merged down, then?'' -``You're such an asshole,'' he whispered back, then kissed her cheek to take any sting out of the words. ``I'll do my best. Now, shoo.'' +``2155,'' True Name said. ``Longer ago than the last time End Waking merged down. It was not acrimonious, she simply declined my next request for a merger and the conversation never came up again.'' -She laughed and licked at one of his whiskerpads. ``Yes, yes.'' +Ey laughed. ``Really, \emph{really} complicated.'' -After she leaned over to pat End Waking on the knee, she stood up and stepped out of the sim. +``I am glad you are not angry, my dear,'' May said, leaning up to dot her nose against eir cheek. -Debarre rubbed his paws over his face. ``Where's your root instance? Within an hour's walk?'' +``It seems more silly than anything, but I can see your reasons for doing so, in retrospect. Certainly silly in comparison to the last few weeks.'' -End Waking nodded. ``Up-river, yes. Would you like me to walk you there?'' +``Very.'' May turned her gaze back to True Name and said, ``I have my apprehensions about merging, though. \emph{We} have our apprehensions, I mean. After watching what happened with End Waking's merge, it all felt so much more complicated.'' -He shook his head. ``Give me some time to think. There's still some of me that's stuck on dinner parties, then another chunk on this whole thing, and another still on May telling me about these rules of engagement or whatever.'' +``I do not know,'' she said, voice distant. ``I said that I understand your reasons for what you did. You wanted me to change, you said, to be other than I am. You want me to be able to approach Jonas in some new way that will hopefully allow me to come out the other side with fewer assassins on my tail, yes?'' -The skunk smiled faintly. ``Twenty minutes' walk up-river, then. He will know that you are coming.'' +May nodded. -After End Waking quit, Debarre started to trudge up the faint trail that they'd already worn heading up along the river. +``And I also think I understand your reasons for wanting to merge down. It would make me understand your relationship to me in a very real way, and would make me all the more complete a person in your eyes, yes?'' -He knew that May Then My Name was right, that he probably needed to at least take into account that if Sasha and Michelle could change enough to make the Odists, then surely True Name could change enough to become someone that even her up-tree instances could like, just as he knew that he probably shouldn't take that out on his boyfriend, frustrated as he was. +Another nod. -Still, it was hard to square the image of End Waking and True Name meeting up voluntarily. What was it that he'd said when Ioan had come by asking after camping supplies? \emph{``I need to be better to her than she might be to me''}? +``I am amenable to both of those, though perhaps my reasons differ. But, May Then My Name, coming at this with both full knowledge and as an open conversation has me feeling more positive than perhaps you do,'' she said, voice having lost its thoughtful edge. ``You are a fundamentally good person and that is not something that I take lightly. You work on such a small scale and I have spoken against that in the past, but\ldots well, a threat on one's life is a pretty good way to make one realize that the small scale is still important.'' -\emph{Remember that you love him,} he thought, even as he trudged up the path. \emph{Even if you're working to undermine all that shit that she's done with Jonas, at least you still love E.W.} +``But Ioan and I--'' -The skunk was crouching at the edge of the stream, washing his paws after having apparently just finished gutting a trio of large trout. +``I would have full knowledge of your apprehensions as well, would I not?'' She held up her paws, smiling. ``I am not trying to talk you into it, my dear, and I would still like to hear those apprehensions regardless, I am simply explaining that, given this shitty fucking month, you merging down does not at all sound bad. I am already not what I was. There is no going and there is no back.'' -``I understand if you are upset, Debarre,'' he said, keeping his gaze on his paws as he scrubbed rather than looking up to him. +Ioan realized ey'd settled back into observing mode, simply watching silently. Not what ey was supposed to be working on. Ey shook emself back to the present and said, ``My apprehensions mostly boil down to the fact that the merge would include May and I's entire relationship. The memories are one thing, and there are some that are pretty intensely personal, but I worry you'd also risk winding up with the feelings that resulted from the formation of those memories.'' -``No,'' Debarre said, sitting down next to him. ``Or, well, I am, but it's whatever. I just don't see how something as stupid as May Then My Name merging down solves anything about this. Suddenly, you two are all buddy-buddy?'' +True Name nodded. -End Waking shook his paws free of most of the water before drying them on the hem of his cloak. ``We are not. I am pleased that she is no longer who she was, but she is not a friend. She is not me.'' +Ey took a deep breath, trying to bolster eir courage with it. ``This last month has made me realize how much I care about you and your well-being. I like you, True Name, but I'm really hesitant about what you having memories of loving me would mean, if that makes sense.'' -``But you're visiting her!'' +``And you, May Then My Name? We do not need to go too far into them, but if it is to be a discussion, I would like to at least have these thoughts laid out for perusal.'' -``On business, such as it is. May Then My Name has asked me over a few times.'' The skunk finally looked at him, gaze level and expression flat. ``Did you not say that you would rather she not die?'' +She was a long time in responding. ``I am with Ioan on this, in that I am protective of my devotion to em. It\ldots is difficult to say this so openly, but I am also coming to terms with just how complex my feelings about you are after the events of the last month, and the root of resentment that led to me urging End Waking's merge on you is no longer there, or at least no longer quite so simple. It is no longer aimless hatred, however justified it may have felt. I will ever be myself, so I am uncomfortable pushing yet more resentment and difficulties on you. I do not want to hurt you.'' -``Yeah, but that doesn't mean that you need to interact with her. I don't want her to get offed by some asshole politician, but I also don't particularly want her in my life.'' +The longer May spoke, the more thoughtful True Name's expression became. She slouched down on the couch, until her head was resting against the back cushions. ``I am not sure what to say to this just yet.'' -End Waking shifted from his crouch to sitting cross-legged on a rock on the bank of the river. ``I do understand that, yes. I do not particularly want her in mine, either, but I am now a part of hers, whether she likes it or not. I have been able to help her process some aspects of the merge and also tell her more of how I feel to her face. Once this is over, she will not need to be a part of my life any more if I so desire, and I can move on to defining myself through something other than penance.'' +``We've been thinking about it for days. You've had, what, twenty minutes?'' -Debarre scratched a claw through the dirt of the bank, worrying a pebble free so that he could throw it into the river while he thought. Finally, he nodded, saying, ``Okay, I get that. What will you define yourself as, then? Like, don't get me wrong, I'm happy you aren't her, and in part specifically \emph{because} you aren't her, but that's not the only reason I love you.'' - -``I do not know, my love,'' he said after a long silence. ``If I am defined by not being her, by not being what I was, then what is left? I cannot say my love for you, because all of the clade has that to some extent. I cannot even say that I have being an Odist, because, after all these years and with all of her changes over the last few months, I am not even sure that I am that.'' - -``You can be just End Waking,'' Debarre said gently. ``Like, you can just drop the clade and be that nerd who lives in the woods.'' - -The skunk laughed and elbowed him in the side. ``We have rather turned our clade identity into idolatry of a sort, have we not?'' - -``Don't get me wrong, I like where you came from, but I won't be pissed if you drop your clade signifier. Hell, maybe you can even start saying things like `don't' and `isn't'.'' - -``Do not push your luck.'' - -They laughed. - -``You don't have to have this sorted out, though.'' He shrugged, adding, ``You don't even have to stop seeing True Name. I'm sorry I got angry there. I think I just got upset because any chance that you might start liking her felt like something of a betrayal.'' - -``I am a ways off yet from liking her, Debarre. I will not say never, but I have gotten to the point where I tolerate her. I will not betray you, though. You or your reactionary friends or whatever she called them.'' - -Debarre scrambled to his feet, eyes darting around through the trees. ``What the fuck?'' - -``The sim is empty, my dear,'' the skunk said calmly. ``I empty it every time someone enters.'' - -``Yeah, but--'' - -``I think about you a lot, Debarre. Certainly more than anyone else I think about. I have pieced together enough.'' - -He growled. ``Well, shit. I mean, I guess I'm an obvious enough choice for it.'' - -``You are, yes, and doubtless the powers that be have been keeping their eye on you since the dissolution of the Council. I do not know the specifics, nor do I want to. As I said, I will not betray you.'' End Waking smiled wryly, adding, ``And I do not think I am of much interest to any of them, anyway. I rarely leave, and I never enter a building when I do. I am more focused on my next meal than anything else.'' - -``Skunks just wanna get fat.'' - -End Waking grinned toothily. ``It is not \emph{not} true.'' - -``Well, anyway. Fair enough. I don't imagine you'll be ratting us out, and you're right that they probably already know. I'm just glad that you've been sweeping the place.'' - -``I have never caught anyone hitchhiking on you, though I have on May Then My Name and Ioan.'' He shrugged, gathered up the line of fish. ``But speaking of fat, can we go back to cook these? I am not ready for you to stay over, but I would like to eat dinner with you, if you are up for it.'' +She laughed and nodded to em. ``Yes, of course. There is much to think about.'' diff --git a/mitzvot/content/032.tex b/mitzvot/content/032.tex index 66a81a6..f4c20e2 100644 --- a/mitzvot/content/032.tex +++ b/mitzvot/content/032.tex @@ -1,109 +1,96 @@ -Debarre was still mostly full from dinner at home, but he had a few bites of fish forked from End Waking's plate. Tasty, but, as always, lacking in salt. +\hypertarget{ioan-bux103lan-2350}{% +\section{Ioan Bălan --- 2350}\label{ioan-bux103lan-2350}} -After they ate, End Waking tasked Debarre with washing off the plate while he tucked another small log into the stove and started the kettle for tea, which they shared while sitting on the step at the entrance to the tent, keeping the last of the spring chill away. +The next following passed in relative peace, with both Odists slowly leveling back out to their baseline moods. -``So, my political junkie friends aside, do you have a better idea of what's going on with Jonas and company?'' +Or, at least, May leveled out to her baseline mood. There still seemed to be some internal struggle within True Name. It wasn't that she was having to step away to sulk or getting caught in anger as she had been when she had begun to overflow, but that the conflicts were still showing in long silences that would sometimes take her in the middle of conversations, especially when the topic of meeting with Jonas came up. -End Waking shrugged. ``A little, perhaps. I think it is this upcoming audio-video tech. I do not think he wanted--'' +``I am not even sure if it is conflicts at this point,'' she admitted when ey brought it up. ``Or, well, I do not think it is conflicting memories any longer. Those have been integrated, by this point. I am experiencing conflicts in expectations. I feel doubled, as though there are two of me watching the same conversation and each would like to act in a different way.'' -``Moment,'' Debarre said, holding up a paw while he sent a hasty message back home. ``Sorry. We'd been guessing at that, just sent a confirmation. Done now.'' +``Are they not working together?'' May asked. -``Please do not act on it yet, my dear.'' +True Name leaned back against the couch and stared out the picture windows into the yard for a few minutes as she thought. ``Perhaps not, no,'' she said at last. ``It is difficult to reconcile those two parts of me. They are arguing, in a way. Each is strident in their belief, and some higher part of me will occasionally get stuck trying to get them to just settle down and fucking agree on a course of action or the next sentence or whatever it may be.'' -So serious was the skunk's tone that Debarre set down his mug and turned to face him. ``I won't, but you gotta tell me why.'' +Ioan nodded, saying, ``Sort of like Michelle and Sasha?'' -``I am going to be at this meeting. I should probably not even know about their AVEC, but I do because of True Name.'' +She shook her head. ``No, not quite like that, thankfully. There are some similarities --- the sense of there being two parts of me, the internal split --- but it is lacking the dire nature, whatever it was that made her completely helpless before the duality of her self. It is still something that I have some visibility into. I can respond as True Name would or as End Waking would, but I am still just me, and I am learning to unify those natures. I will perhaps never be singular, but I will doubtless unify into a synthesis before long. Just not yet.'' -``And given you and I, there's probably only one place I'd get it,'' he guessed and, when the skunk nodded, sent another message back home. ``You sure this place is secure, then? And you're sending a fork, right?'' +May fiddled with eir sweater vest from where she lay against em. ``I will admit that, for a while there, I was considering merging down with you before I saw how poorly End Waking's merge went.'' After the silence stretched out, she laughed nervously, adding, ``Sorry, I suppose that is a pretty awkward thing to say.'' -``Yes and yes.'' +``It is okay, May Then My Name,'' True Name said, smiling reassuringly. ``A large part of me wishes that you had rather than End Waking, if I am honest. I understand why you did what you did, and I think on an intellectual level I agree with it, but on a personal level, I would much rather be integrating your memories than his.'' -``Good.'' +She winced. ``That bad?'' -End Waking smiled. ``I know that you do, but it is always pleasing to have confirmation that you think so much of me, Debarre.'' +``Uncomfortable,'' the other skunk corrected. ``I do wish perhaps that I had been able to fork or that I had been more cautious with the merge, but if I wanted to remain comfortable, I would have pushed back when you urged me to accept.'' -``Of course I do,'' he scoffed. ``But I interrupted, sorry. You were saying?'' +``What about May's merge would've been easier?'' Ioan asked. -``Right. With this AVEC technology, I think that Jonas sees an opening to edge True Name out. I do not know why, but she mentioned something about a diversity of governance across Systems. I do not agree with him on this. I think he is playing a dangerous game by treating each of the Systems so differently. Each System treating itself as a separate country is one thing, but potentially destabilizing them by forcing upon each a different form of governance feels like him treating politics as his personal plaything. I do not like it.'' +``Again, easier does not feel like the correct word. It would have been more comfortable. I would have understood the resentment that others feel for me, if that was indeed a goal, but it would not be the defining factor of the merge.'' -The longer End Waking spoke, the deeper Debarre's frown got. ``Yeah, ever since they set up that Guiding Council thing over on Pollux, we've been wondering about that. It sounds innocuous enough. Reasonably close to the Council of Ten over on Artemis, I guess, at least on the surface. Just folks you can go talk to about disagreements and mediation. That part was inoffensive, but that they would even do such a thing in the face of the \emph{History} is just wild.'' +``End Waking has mentioned that he defined himself by not being you, yeah.'' -End Waking shrugged. ``You know more than I on that end. I do not keep up with either LV beyond what you and Ioan care to pass on. There are messages from the clade, but you know my feelings on them.'' +She nodded. ``So I have learned. The self-loathing that falls out of that rests just this side of overwhelming at times. Perhaps that is why it is proving to be such a project to settle into something resembling a singular nature again. I imagine, given that May Then My Name has defined herself through something unique to her rather than some aspect of her relation to me, it would feel strange, but not so uncomfortable. Do correct me if I am wrong, though, my dear.'' -``Mmhm.'' Debarre hesitated, then added, ``Though if you do wind up going through them and come across any juicy details about those politics you don't care about, you could always share them with me.'' +May shook her head. -He laughed and shook his head. ``Should my life become so boring, you will have more to worry about, my love. I am better at being a pest than you give me credit for.'' +``Well, besides,'' Ioan added. ``She's certainly merged down way more recently than End Waking did.'' -``Fine. I'll just get them from May Then My Name.'' +True Name tilted her head. -``You will have to put up with her ceaseless flirting.'' +``Ioan,'' May said quietly. ``Do you remember when you were working on the \emph{History} and I said that I was worried that you would be upset with me?'' -Debarre grinned. ``I'm pretty well used to it by now. You're really going to go to this thing, though?'' +Ey frowned, nodded. -End Waking nodded, chewing on a mouthful of tisane-bits. ``Yes.'' +``And do you remember how Dear told Codrin that the temptation to lie would be great?'' -``Why, though? Isn't that gonna be dangerous? Never mind totally outside your interest. It'll all be politics.'' +``What did you say to em, May Then My Name?'' -The skunk was a long time in answering, staring out into the forest and listening to the far-away rush of the waterfall. ``There is what Jonas hopes to accomplish and what I hope to learn. Jonas, I think, would like to gloat. He would like it known that he can loop even me into his plans. He would like even me, even the recluse, scared so that he may use me as a lever over True Name if she is to come out of this alive.'' +May sighed and brushed her paws up over her head. ``I said that I was working as launch coordinator to remain more in line with your expectations so that I could merge back down after the project was over, that we tried to do so every few decades.'' -``And me.'' +A silence stretched out once more. -``And you, yes. I do not doubt that even he knows what you are up to these days, though I do not know to what extent.'' He poked around in his mug to hunt down the last of the gooseberries. ``I am pleased that you are so careful. I worry about you.'' +Eventually, Ioan reached up to tug at one of her ears gently. ``Skunks are so complicated.'' -Debarre sat, silent. The comment all but demanded silence from him, so rare was any expression of worry from his boyfriend. +She let out a pent up breath as a laugh. ``I know. I am sorry. I am sorry to both of you. I believed it to be a small untruth that would never come up, much less be challenged. I wanted my relationship with True Name to seem simpler than it was to keep you feeling comfortable. I hoped that that would keep you from digging into my past. Fat load of good that did.'' -``I will be going because if this is to be the end of True Name then it will be a step towards letting go. It will be an in for me to become independent. If I am to move beyond that which defines me, I would like to know how.'' +``When was the last time you merged down, then?'' -``Still thinking of cutting your ties? Dropping the clade name?'' +``2155,'' True Name said. ``Longer ago than the last time End Waking merged down. It was not acrimonious, she simply declined my next request for a merger and the conversation never came up again.'' -End Waking shrugged. ``Would that be so bad? May Then My Name would become simply a friend, rather than a cocladist. True Name would become someone I know rather than a down-tree instance. I do not speak with the others. Serene, perhaps? But even then, it has been many years. It would not change my relationship with you. The forest will not care if I am an Odist or if I am not. To it, I am called Nobody, and when I die and moulder beneath the roots, then it will say that it feasts on Nobody.'' +Ey laughed. ``Really, \emph{really} complicated.'' -Debarre sighed. Hearing End Waking talk so much was a rarity, but that the death-thoughts were still there meant it'd be a while yet before he'd be allowed back to stay. +``I am glad you are not angry, my dear,'' May said, leaning up to dot her nose against eir cheek. -``And AwDae? The Name?'' he asked. As he always did when Debarre said their friend's name, the skunk stiffened, hunched his shoulders, and drew his hood up over his head. All the same, he'd made it a point to say it at least once per visit. There had been a row the first few times, but he'd won on the point that AwDae had been his friend, too. +``It seems more silly than anything, but I can see your reasons for doing so, in retrospect. Certainly silly in comparison to the last few weeks.'' -``I do not know, Debarre. That is, I think, the one thing that I will ever defer to True Name on.'' +``Very.'' May turned her gaze back to True Name and said, ``I have my apprehensions about merging, though. \emph{We} have our apprehensions, I mean. After watching what happened with End Waking's merge, it all felt so much more complicated.'' -He snorted. ``Really?'' +``I do not know,'' she said, voice distant. ``I said that I understand your reasons for what you did. You wanted me to change, you said, to be other than I am. You want me to be able to approach Jonas in some new way that will hopefully allow me to come out the other side with fewer assassins on my tail, yes?'' -``If she, of all of us, were ever to feel comfortable speaking it, talking about em, then I will know that this embargo will have been lifted.'' +May nodded. -``Well, fair,'' the weasel said, finishing his tea before handing the mug back to End Waking to let the skunk snack on the remnants. He'd never really enjoyed them enough to do so himself. ``I'm happy for you, you know that?'' +``And I also think I understand your reasons for wanting to merge down. It would make me understand your relationship to me in a very real way, and would make me all the more complete a person in your eyes, yes?'' -End Waking laughed, swallowing the spent lemon balm and mint he'd been chewing. ``Happy?'' +Another nod. -``Yeah. Like\ldots{}'' Debarre trailed off, hunting for words. ``I've never seen you move forward so much all at once. Or at all, really. Like, it's not a bad thing to have a life that you're happy with, but watching you work on the things you \emph{weren't} happy with is nice to see. Kinda glad May Then My Name talked you into the merge, honestly.'' +``I am amenable to both of those, though perhaps my reasons differ. But, May Then My Name, coming at this with both full knowledge and as an open conversation has me feeling more positive than perhaps you do,'' she said, voice having lost its thoughtful edge. ``You are a fundamentally good person and that is not something that I take lightly. You work on such a small scale and I have spoken against that in the past, but\ldots well, a threat on one's life is a pretty good way to make one realize that the small scale is still important.'' -``It has brought me a lightness, yes. She is meddlesome, but kind-hearted.'' +``But Ioan and I--'' -``You're telling me. She gave me rules of engagement when I first showed up. Thought she was being weird, but they worked pretty well.'' +``I would have full knowledge of your apprehensions as well, would I not?'' She held up her paws, smiling. ``I am not trying to talk you into it, my dear, and I would still like to hear those apprehensions regardless, I am simply explaining that, given this shitty fucking month, you merging down does not at all sound bad. I am already not what I was. There is no going and there is no back.'' -``She is a brat.'' +Ioan realized ey'd settled back into observing mode, simply watching silently. Not what ey was supposed to be working on. Ey shook emself back to the present and said, ``My apprehensions mostly boil down to the fact that the merge would include May and I's entire relationship. The memories are one thing, and there are some that are pretty intensely personal, but I worry you'd also risk winding up with the feelings that resulted from the formation of those memories.'' -Debarre laughed. ``You all are. But hey, I should get going.'' +True Name nodded. -The slight sag in End Waking's shoulders spoke of relief. He nodded, saying, ``Of course. Thank you for the chance to talk.'' +Ey took a deep breath, trying to bolster eir courage with it. ``This last month has made me realize how much I care about you and your well-being. I like you, True Name, but I'm really hesitant about what you having memories of loving me would mean, if that makes sense.'' -``You'll let me know when you're going out to this meeting, right?'' +``And you, May Then My Name? We do not need to go too far into them, but if it is to be a discussion, I would like to at least have these thoughts laid out for perusal.'' -``Of course.'' +She was a long time in responding. ``I am with Ioan on this, in that I am protective of my devotion to em. It\ldots is difficult to say this so openly, but I am also coming to terms with just how complex my feelings about you are after the events of the last month, and the root of resentment that led to me urging End Waking's merge on you is no longer there, or at least no longer quite so simple. It is no longer aimless hatred, however justified it may have felt. I will ever be myself, so I am uncomfortable pushing yet more resentment and difficulties on you. I do not want to hurt you.'' -``And you promise you'll send a fork?'' +The longer May spoke, the more thoughtful True Name's expression became. She slouched down on the couch, until her head was resting against the back cushions. ``I am not sure what to say to this just yet.'' -``I will.'' +``We've been thinking about it for days. You've had, what, twenty minutes?'' -``And call if you need?'' - -``Debarre, shut up,'' End Waking said, patting his knee. ``Go. I will keep you up to date.'' - -``Okay, okay, I'm going.'' He gave the skunk's paw a squeeze and grinned. ``Love you.'' - -``Love you too.'' - -Debarre quit, rather than bothering with stepping back home. The pile of experiences caught his down-tree instance in the middle of a sentence—thankfully something unimportant—and he had to spend a minute reconciling the memories with the ones he'd made since. - -``Well, that was interesting.'' - -``Fuck,'' user11824 said. ``I was worried you'd say something like that.'' - -He laughed. ``You're right to worry. Shit's gonna get really weird here. Life'll get both more and less simple real quick.'' +She laughed and nodded to em. ``Yes, of course. There is much to think about.'' diff --git a/mitzvot/content/033.tex b/mitzvot/content/033.tex index aafd743..7401193 100644 --- a/mitzvot/content/033.tex +++ b/mitzvot/content/033.tex @@ -1,485 +1,195 @@ -\hypertarget{ioan-bux103lan-2350}{% -\chapter{Ioan Bălan — 2350}\label{ioan-bux103lan-2350}} -\markboth{Ioan Bălan — 2350}{} +After True Name returned to her room—or, more likely, out to her field to set up camp—May said, ``If I may say, that was really fucking weird, and I do not want to talk about it at all.'' -Ioan quickly began to wish for boredom. They'd made it into April and so many things had happened. Assassination attempts, centuries of merging, overflowing\ldots{} +Ey laughed. ``You certainly may. Weird as hell and I need a break.'' -Ey just wanted to be bored. +That last part wasn't strictly true. Ey knew ey'd be ruminating over it until they went to sleep, and likely well into tomorrow. Still, ey agreed that it wasn't a topic for talking about at the moment. The chances they'd just wind up talking in circles, rehashing the same topics over and over, getting nowhere but frustrated, was too high, and ey could do that mentally just as well. -At least they'd settled into a routine once more, and it was far more comfortable than either of the previous ones—when True Name had first moved in, and then after End Waking's merge—so ey couldn't complain too much. +So, instead, they relaxed together on the couch, May with her head in eir lap while ey read and she worked on this or that, or whatever it was that she did when her eyes lost focus and she hummed quietly to herself. She'd once called it `going into screen-saver mode', which didn't sound totally accurate to what ey knew of her when ey'd looked up the reference, but ey still teased her about it every now and then. -True Name managed May's merge much more easily than she had End Waking's, and ey could see now the benefits of that week of negotiation beforehand. May had whispered to em one night about the final merge with Michelle and Sasha, about memories crashing down in a cascade of centuries and just how mad that final instance of True Name must have been in those final moments. Even with just one merge, she still occasionally mentioned a pressing memory or two from End Waking demanding attention nearly two months later. +Quiet nights were good, though, and ey was pleased to just spend the rest of this one in comfort. -It was just another part of the routine. A rocky routine, and an exciting one, but still a routine. +Sleep, however, brought restless dreams. Not nightmares, certainly; they weren't even bad dreams in any common sense of the term. They were, to the last, plagued with a sense of waiting and unease. Ey dreamt of waiting for unspecified news, sitting on uncomfortable benches in weirdly crowded lobbies. Ey dreamt of May being out of the house on some errand longer than she had said she would be. Ey dreamt of not having enough information. -It wasn't all bad, of course. For every talk they had about meeting with Jonas or what role Zacharias played or some boundary one of them had crossed, there were still the pleasant meals, the shared quiet, and, ey had to admit, ey rather liked who True Name had shaped herself into. +All the same, ey woke well rested and made it to the coffee pot before either of the skunks, so ey was able to claim ten minutes of solitude standing before the picture windows, looking out into the slowly lightening yard and the field beside it. Ey could see True Name poke her snout out from her tent, disappear, and then, a few minutes later, start trudging her way back toward the house. -Ey had certainly liked who she used to be, of course, though in a vastly different way—three years of coffee dates stood as testament to that. A large part of this, ey'd realized, came with just how much more settled in herself she was. Even that drive she cherished about herself had been tempered into something smoother, less laser-sharp. She was more well-rounded, more able to relax, more able to work without it occupying the whole of her. +``Good morning, Ioan. Oh good, thank you,'' she mumbled, making a bee-line for one of the mugs of coffee that sat, steaming, on the counter. -The weirdest part, though, had to be sleep. They spent two nights staying with True Name while she processed first the memories and then the conflicts before trying to go back to sleeping separately. +``Morning. Sleep well?'' -She spent the next day distracted and out of sorts, first begging off breakfast to sit outside, then joining them in the den before getting anxious and slipping off to go lay down again. That night, she woke them a few hours after they'd gone to bed, tearfully asking to join them. +She shrugged noncommittally. ``I slept, I am well-rested enough.'' -``This is so fucking stupid. I feel like a fucking kid,'' she'd said between sniffles. ``I am sorry.'' +They watched the morning head toward full brightness in silence after that, em still standing before the windows and her sitting on the couch, more focused on her coffee than anything. -May had shushed her and held up the covers for her to climb in, letting her settle back into much the same position she had those first two nights. +``You have once again failed to bring me my coffee,'' May grumbled from the bedroom door. ``I am going to file a petition to have you censured with the leadership of the System.'' -It had certainly worked well enough, with Ioan rising at eir usual eight o'clock while the two skunks slept in for another hour. Later that day, May had instructed—or perhaps reminded—her how to get at least some comfort out of sleeping curled up with a fork. +``Ey did not bring me my coffee, either, my dear,'' True Name said mildly. ``And until recently, I was in such a position.'' -Still, once a week or so, they'd wake to her asking to join them, and eventually Ioan had given in and expanded their own bed by a half meter to make it roomier when she did. She'd at least been quite understanding when May had requested that it not be every night. +May stopped mid-shuffle, snorted, then mumbled an apology and padded to the kitchen to grab her own mug before taking Ioan by the hand and dragging em over to the beanbag so that she could lay down with em. -Ey was unsure of eir feelings on the matter. On the one hand, it was still intensely weird to see True Name, of all people, openly seeking affection and a shared bed, and stranger still to see May welcoming that. +``Are you two up to talking about meeting with Jonas?'' True Name asked. ``I will pay in another pot of coffee and breakfast.'' -On the other, the nights when she joined them weren't unpleasant, even if it would be a while before ey was used to sharing a bed with anyone other than May. This was to say nothing about the shyness ey felt about eir body. The first few times she had joined them, ey had wrapped emself up in a sheet before leaving the bed to maintain some sense of modesty, though given that these nights had usually meant the skunks slept in, ey eventually gave up on that. +Ioan shrugged. ``Sure.'' -They'd all begun seeing Sarah regularly again, which was a relief. The three of them had even met with her together on one occasion, discussing the path that had led them here and sharing some of their thoughts on how things had wound up in a structured session. +``After that second coffee, yes,'' May said. -Ioan found eir own sessions particularly helpful when it came to disentangling eir thoughts on the past. Sarah had urged em to trace eir relationship not just with True Name or May, but with the entire Ode clade from that first message of Dear's through to the present, charting eir feelings about each of them and how they differed or were the same. It helped to pull apart what it was that ey liked about them as well as what it was that left em stressed, exasperated, or just plain tired from their interactions. +Breakfast, it turned out, was a Scandinavian affair, or so ey imagined. Dense, dark bread, a tray of cheeses and meats, and a separate tray of vegetables both pickled and fresh. It was strange to call a meal such as breakfast `refreshing', but the word fit quite well. Quite good, and both of the skunks certainly seemed to appreciate it, eating the lion's share of the food, though May also swiped up a side plate of eggs to go with it. -Ey didn't know what the two skunks talked about in their sessions, whether apart or together, but it seemed productive. Not always pleasant, granted: both were left in tears after a few meetings. +May nodded towards True Name, grinning. ``Alright. Payment accepted. You may begin.'' -Still, through it all ey was genuinely pleased to see them happy, or at least on their way to happiness. +True Name nodded. ``I had an idea as I was walking last night. Or perhaps it is only a sliver of an idea. I suspect that it will not even get me out of whatever it is that he has planned, but it might soften the blow.'' -Ey just needed boredom and ey needed out. +They both nodded. -It took some convincing—on all three of their parts, since ey needed to convince emself as much as True Name and May—but eventually, Ioan worked up the courage to leave the house, seeking out some much needed solitude, even if it was only in the anonymity of public spaces. +``My guess is that, if he wants me to `step aside', as Zacharias said, then he would like me to truly disappear. He would like me to essentially never be seen again.'' -The coffee shop ey'd frequented for so long may have been safe, but given that eir last visit had included an attempt on a friend's life, ey opted instead for an afternoon in a library. The one ey frequented also felt fraught, given its association with all of those meetings with Jonas and so many others during the research for the \emph{History}, so ey chose one ey'd never been to before from the directory. Besides, the information was technically available anywhere, libraries just provided a familiar physical location to access it, a social place for gathering around the topic of information, and some physical tools used for manipulating that information that individuals rarely had room for. +``Thus the assassination attempt,'' Ioan said. -Beyond that, though, it was the very idea of the space that appealed to em and so many others. Ey'd long ago let go of eir desire to be a librarian. Codrin\#Pollux had that covered, and ey'd made eir choice, influenced as it was by eir life with May, to settle into theatre. +``Yes. He wanted me to disappear and build up a little bit of mystery because then he would be able to be publicly seen mourning, \emph{et cetera, et cetera, ad nauseam},'' she continued, rolling her eyes. ``The usual nonsense, I mean. I do not think his plans B through M will be any different. They will all involve me no longer being a part of this and in such a way as to make him come out feeling the victor.'' -That didn't remove the appeal, though. Ey could still go to the building and wander through the stacks, dragging fingertips along the spines of books or poring over maps. Ey could still go sit beside a window with a book ey may not even like and, if nothing else, enjoy the sun. +``And I'm assuming you'd like to avoid that if possible.'' -This library had eschewed the flashy exterior of eir normal haunt, that glass-walled cube, opting instead for a low and flat structure, one that took its majesty from the way it sprawled out over its campus, buildings connected by breezeways or tunnels, scattered seemingly at random in such a way as to form irregular courtyards full of benches, gardens, or, in one notable case, a small gallery ey initially mistook for another garden, but for the fact that all of the foliage was made of glass. +``Him feeling like the victor? Yes. I really do mean that I would need to disappear in his definition of victory. I would be effectively dead, if not actually. I would be restricted in who I would be able to speak to, I would have to remain out of public sims, and so on. He would not ask me to retire. Disappear.'' She hesitated, swirled the last of her coffee in the bottom of her mug, and added, ``At least, that is what I would do. It would mean less attack surface for the reactive elements we have been tracking.'' -Ey liked it immensely. +``And your plan would, what, subvert that?'' May asked. ``I have a suspicion I know what it is, but I would like to be sure.'' -The busiest section of the library was far and away the wing that had been built to house the massive information dump from Artemis. This took the form of a squat, pentagonal building—one wall for each Artemisian race and one for their shared knowledge—that bored its way deep into the ground, a slow-sloping spiral winding down along the shelves to allow visitors to browse their way back in time until, at the very bottom, only firstrace had any material. Translation efforts would be running for decades to come, but there was more to read every day. +``I suspect you do, yes. I will offer him the option of me changing from what I was to such an extent that I will no longer be the True Name that either he or the System expects.'' -Ey stayed away from this for the day. Ey wanted cozy, not awe-inspiring. +``Is this about me merging down, then?'' -Finally, having loaded up on a few random finds—trashy sci-fi, some contemporary phys-side fiction from decades after ey'd uploaded, even a bit of furry fiction from early in the 21st century ey considered bringing home to show May—ey parked emself in the glass garden and arrayed the books out before em on the table. +She shrugged. ``I do not think that that is a requirement here, though that question was on my docket for the day. I suspect that I have already changed enough with End Waking's merger. I would just need to prove it to him somehow. That is where my plan ends, however.'' -The sci-fi proved to be a little \emph{too} trashy for eir tastes, and while the contemporary fiction was certainly intriguing, it was far too dense for reading when ey was trying to have a lighter, easier day. The furry book struck a nice middle-ground, at least, even if ey couldn't keep the species straight in eir head. +Ioan sat back in eir chair, arms crossed as ey mulled it over. If she was right—and ey suspected that she was—then there would likely need to be a change in form and a change in name to go along with the change in attitude. After all, that's how Zacharias had gotten as far as he had, right? -Eventually, though, ey gave up and just sat in the sun, watching the way it filtered through the glass leaves and branches of the trees. +Ey couldn't picture her as anything other than a skunk or perhaps whatever version of Michelle she remembered, though, and certainly couldn't picture her named anything other than True Name. Would she also have to change her speech patterns? They weren't totally identifiable, but now that ey thought about it, even Zacharias had shared many of them. She was an Odist through and through—more so than any other ey'd met, if such a thing was possible—and all of the forking and reinforcing that May had done to cement behavior and thought patterns didn't seem like something that she'd willingly undergo, either. -\emph{No better way to realize just how tense you are than by relaxing,} ey thought. +But perhaps that's what she'd meant by a sliver of a plan. They still had plenty of time to sort that out, at least, and perhaps she'd come up with a way that would actually work without changing herself so much that she'd cease being who she was. -Ey imagined the two skunks also would appreciate some time out of the house, too. Doubtless there were some sims they could visit that would be reasonably safe. Douglas's field, End Waking's forest\ldots well, no longer Arrowhead Lake. +All the same, ey wasn't sure that her simply incorporating End Waking was quite the type of change that Jonas would appreciate. She acted different, spoke different, and ey was sure she felt different about her work than she had, but eir suspicion was that Jonas didn't want anything left of her that could possibly be of any threat to his power. Her incorporating End Waking's extreme distaste for the politics of the System might be enough, it might not be, but that was a big risk to take. -``Hi Serene,'' ey began, starting up the simplex sensorium message before ey lost both the nerve and the train of thought. ``I know it's been a while since we've spoken, so I hope you're well. I have a strange question that might turn into a really big request. After some\ldots very dramatic events, one of our favorite places is no longer safe for us. I guess that's what happens when you just kind of adopt an abandoned sim without knowing much about it. +Ey'd apparently been silent long enough that the two skunks had drifted off into their own conversation. At least ey hadn't been mumbling. -``Still, it's become personally meaningful to us over the years, and we're finding ourselves missing it. I don't know if we necessarily need a copy of it, but would it be possible for you to come take a look at it and see about what all would go into creating something similar? It'd be a modification of my home sim. There's no rush, and if nothing else, it'd be good to say hi sometime. Talk soon.'' +``Welcome back, my dear,'' May said when ey leaned forward again to grab eir coffee. -Further reading was largely a failure. Ey couldn't get back into any of the books ey'd started, and a certain listlessness tamped down any desire to head back to the shelves to hunt more. Ey left them on a page's cart, an act that almost certainly just recycled the physical instances, and hunted down a cafe. +Ey grinned. ``Thanks. Was a nice trip. Don't mean to interrupt or anything, though.'' -Serene sent a gentle sensorium ping just as ey picked up eir tea. +She shook her head. ``We were talking of changes.'' -Ey quickly stepped into another courtyard—this one full of actual greenery, hot and humid—in order to reply. ``Hi, Serene. Thanks for getting back to me.'' +``Any conclusions?'' -``No problem,'' she said, the lack of any smile in her voice quite conspicuous. ``Thank you for thinking of me.'' +``Not particularly, no,'' True Name said. ``There are certain levels of change that I find unacceptable, is all.'' -``Of course, no one better.'' +``Right. I was thinking similar. It needs some work, but I can at least see where you're coming from with it.'' -``Flatterer,'' she replied, a hint of the usual humor returning. It quickly fled. ``Are you in a place where you can speak freely?'' +She nodded. ``I will continue to explore. When the time comes, I may ask for your help workshopping some ideas.'' -``I\ldots well, give me a moment, and I will make sure of that.'' +The conversation wound down from there, with True Name heading out to walk her prairie or poke around in the water or whatever it was that she was doing. -Ey stepped home quickly, stopping in the entryway to sweep emself. No spies. \emph{Thank God,} ey thought. \emph{Wouldn't have put it past them to bug me at the library.} +As though inspired, May and Ioan both moved outside as well, claiming the bench swing on the balcony, sitting on it sideways and facing each other, legs all tangled up. The warmer spring weather ey'd brought about for May while she was overflowing had seemed appropriate once they'd returned, so ey'd left it for the time being. Perhaps ey'd get one more big snow in before letting spring proper settle in. -Blinking a visually secured cone of silence into being, ey spoke into the sensorium message. ``Okay, secure now.'' +``What were things like back in 2155?'' ey asked. -Serene laughed, ``Oh, I had just meant away from crowds, no need to go through this much trouble.'' +May tilted her head, blinking a cone of silence into place. ``When I merged last?'' -``Well, given all that's been going on\ldots{}'' +Ey nodded. -There was the sense of a sigh on the other end of the message. ``Yes, I suppose you are right. That is why I messaged you back, actually. While it is certainly feasible and I would ordinarily be more than happy, I am not yet ready to engage with True Name.'' +``I had just forked the third time. There had been more relationships, of course, ones that ended before I had the chance or need, but this was the third time that I had settled into something comfortable enough to let it last. I was crushed and not particularly excited about merging down, but I had not diverged quite as much by then.'' -``That's fair,'' ey said after a pause. ``I know things are complicated. Do you know of any--'' +``Not as much empathy?'' -``Oh goodness, I did not say I would not do it! I will, just\ldots not yet. Please give me some time, my dear.'' +She laughed. ``Too much, perhaps. It took a while for me to settle on a comfortable amount.'' -Ey frowned, looking down at eir shoes as ey scuffed one against the parquet floor. ``Right, okay. May I ask how you're feeling about this, then? I've had precious little contact with\ldots well, anyone.'' +``Too \emph{much?} How on Earth did that work?'' -There was another sigh. ``I do not know yet, Ioan. I am not unhappy for her. I am not displeased that things are coming to a head with Jonas, as that will mean there will be a change, for better or worse. I am just not yet able to engage.'' +``I was a fucking mess at all times. I cried at the drop of a hat.'' -``Of course.'' +``You still cry a lot,'' ey observed, then laughed when she poked at eir knee. -``Give me the address of the sim, at least. I will take a look and let you know what I think.'' +``Yes, well. I had attributed it at the time to simply being torn up over no longer being in a relationship. My fork was happy, I was heartbroken. In the end, though, I think that my goals were starting to drift from True Name's. I was diverging in more fundamental ways than either of us had expected.'' -``Peak Lake\#587a9383.'' +``And the next time she asked, you just said `no'?'' -``Seriously?'' Serene laughed. ``I have not heard that address in decades.'' +She nodded. ``She asked me to consider it, and then the topic simply never came up again. I think that she was already expecting to write me off after the merge in systime 31.'' -``Wait, did you--'' +``Did she wind up expressing her own emotions differently from that merge?'' -``It is not mine, no, but a student of mine made it. I do not imagine they still have ACLs, but I will ask.'' +She opened her mouth as if to reply, then closed it again, frowning. ``I was going to snap at you,'' she admitted. ``But you bring up a good point. She did, to some extent. What emotions she expressed, real or not, came more earnestly to her. She was more able to express empathy, even if it was still in a very True Name fashion. She did not accept my merges—or any of those from others in her stanza—as blithely as she did End Waking's.'' -Ey shook eir head. ``You guys seriously have your hands in everything, don't you?'' +``I imagine the circumstances were a bit different,'' ey said. ``Why were you going to snap at me?'' -``It is not \emph{not} true.'' +``I thought you were going to ask me to merge down.'' -``There are billions of people here, I don't know how that'd even be possible.'' +Ey shrugged. ``I hadn't gotten that far in the thought process. Is it something you're still uncomfortable with?'' -``How many sim designers focusing on nature do you think there are?'' +``I do not know, my dear. If you had asked me just then, I would have said no. If you had asked me five minutes before then, I would have said yes.'' She patted eir knee, smiling. ``But I will endeavor not to snap at you either way. How about you, though?'' -``I haven't the faintest.'' +``Much the same, I think. Your answer has me wondering, though, if she was more intentional about a merge like that, it could work. She could have some of your memories of emotions that she thinks might help while still respecting your privacy.'' -``Well, how many of \emph{us} do you think there are?'' +``And that is why I did not snap at you. It is a good point, my dear. There is no need for her to have all of my memories wholesale, and with what memories and personality traits and whatever else goes along with a merge, she would hopefully wind up with a synthesis, as she says, rather than a replacement. She would still have all 226 years of being True Name, and all those years of being End Waking, just that she would also have some of me in there.'' -``Right.'' Ey smirked. ``\,`Nominally' a hundred.'' +``Is that something you could talk her through?'' -``There you go,'' she said, voice sly. ``We are old and we are many.'' +She looked thoughtfully out into the yard, at the faint greening of the lilac branches. ``Perhaps, yes. We would have to be very deliberate about it, but it should be possible.'' -``I bet,'' ey laughed. ``Well, thanks for considering the request. I got something off the exchange that is less than ideal, and I miss that place. It's just got bugs.'' +Ey nodded, watching the skunk's gaze drift in and out of focus, the way she would occasionally chew on her lip when thinking. Watched, and thought about what such a synthesis would look like. There wouldn't be any concrete changes in eir partner, but what would this new restless, unsettled True Name look like with yet more memory heaped onto her? Ey knew ey could never know the whole of May and that ey was biased besides, but she seemed so much happier and more comfortable than her down-tree instance, even before End Waking's merger. More comfortable, feeling less of a need to dump all of her energy into forward motion. What would that look like with True Name? -``Gross.'' +Ey watched her think. Watched her and thought about how much ey loved her, watched and wondered if such a True Name would also sit and think and chew on her lip. -``Very. Keep in touch, okay?'' +``Do you want to?'' -``Will do, my dear. Say hi for me.'' +May started from her reverie. ``Hmm?'' -And with that, the message ended. Ey straightened up, went to rub at eir face, realized ey was still holding the cup of tea from the library, and turned the motion into taking a sip. +``Regardless of the mechanics or how comfortable you are with it, is this something you'd even want to do?'' -Ey dropped the cone of silence and let out a shout. The ACLs had blurred the area outside the cone enough that the sight of two skunks standing just outside its edge, staring intently at em and whispering to each other caught em off guard. +She nodded readily. ``Yes. That is the source of all this stress for me over the last few days. I want to, it is just the reality that is working against me.'' -``What the hell?'' +``Why?'' -Both skunks laughed. +``Why do I want to?'' She laughed. ``Because I like who I am and I do not like who she is, but that does not mean I do not like what she can become. I want her to be happy and to feel love and to slow the fuck down for five minutes. I do not know for sure, and I acknowledge that there is a value judgment here, but I strongly suspect that these will only ever be good for her.'' -``We could ask you the same, my dear,'' May said, stepping up to get her arms around eir middle. ``What an awkward place to have a conversation.'' +Ey leaned forward enough to snag one of her paws and give it a squeeze. ``Guess we're of one mind on that, then. Or at least mostly so; you have a better sense as to what goes into the emotional side.'' -``I had to get somewhere secure,'' ey said, voice muffled as ey placed a kiss between her ears. ``Serene says hi, by the way.'' +She smiled gratefully and gave eir hand a squeeze. ``Well, when she returns, we can expand on our thoughts.'' -``What were you talking about that required security?'' True Name asked, still grinning. +They didn't have to wait long. -``Nothing too serious, actually. Just an abundance of caution, there. I was seeing what it would take to get our own copy of Arrowhead Lake.'' +Shortly after they went back inside to pull together a snacky sort of lunch, True Name returned from her trip out in the prairie and bowed to them, saying, ``I have had some thoughts that I would like to run past you.'' -Both skunks perked up at that. ``Is that something she can do?'' True Name asked. +``As have we,'' Ioan said, gesturing her to a chair. ``Good timing. What were you thinking?'' -``Apparently one of her students made it, so she's going to ask and see if they have ACLs. Otherwise, she said she's happy to make something similar down the line. Maybe once this is all over.'' +``It is perhaps more for May Then My Name to answer, though I will appreciate both of your input.'' -True Name nodded. ``I will look forward to it. The field is fine for now when I get restless, but I miss the lake.'' +The skunk nodded for her to continue. -Ey nodded. ``Same. You going to let me in, May?'' +``You have mentioned in the past that you forked to cement emotional patterns that led to your divergence. I think that I have wound up doing that, myself, to some extent, but only ever subconsciously. With how much specificity were you able to pick what it was that you were modifying?'' -``Absolutely not,'' she said. ``You will have to pick me up and carry me if you would like to enter your own home.'' +May glanced to Ioan, then shrugged. ``I worked in very small steps. I forked dozens of times to change very small things. Being deliberate about it made it essentially as fine-grained as I needed.'' -Ioan poked at her side until ey found a ticklish spot. ``Such a brat.'' +``Alright. That helps quite a lot, actually. I was considering how much I might be able to change without losing who and what I am. If I can change some of my own habits, maybe the end result will still be something that I am happy with, but with enough difference to get Jonas off my back. I am not yet sure what those habits might be, but it is an option, at least. I have been trying to catalogue what it is about myself that can go, as it were.'' She smiled wryly, ``But yes, doing so deliberately is probably for the best.'' -She giggled and shoved herself away from em. ``Rude. Come on, my dear. I have been pestering True Name with my monologue, and we are both bored loopy. Tell us about your excursion.'' +``That's actually what we had been talking about,'' Ioan said, looking to May for confirmation that it was alright to continue. -Ey was chivvied into the living room and sat down on the beanbag so that May could slouch against eir side while True Name claimed a spot on the couch. Ey described the seemingly endless library and all its odd-shaped courtyards, then talked about each of the books ey'd picked up—the only one either seemed interested in was the furry one, though neither had heard of it—finally ending with, ``It was good to get out. Like, really good. Got me wondering, though, how are you two doing cooped up here?'' +``A deliberate, selective merge,'' she said, picking up from where ey'd left off. ``One that will keep us comfortable in our privacy while also giving you the opportunity to build upon what you are.'' -May groaned and slumped dramatically back onto the beanbag. ``I am frankly losing my mind. I want to get back to the theatre. I do not even need to be performing, I would not mind even building sets or just falling asleep on that ratty old couch in the dressing room. I miss the stage. I miss the people. I miss drinking until two with Vos and A Finger Pointing. I miss restaurants, Ioan. \emph{Restaurants.}'' +``Really? That is not what I was expecting to hear.'' -``Getting sick of my cooking?'' +They both nodded. -``It is the experience I miss. Your cooking is fine.'' She hesitated, then shrugged. ``Though you are not very good at sushi.'' +There was a long silence, then. Both May and Ioan watched True Name as she stared up at the ceiling, unseeing. -``Do you feel like you are not able to leave?'' True Name asked. ``I do not think you would be in danger.'' +``And you are okay with that, Ioan?'' -``I would not wish to test that.'' May shrugged. ``It has me anxious that both Jonas and so many of us are out there and have so much out for you. They may not be after me in particular, but I do not want to encounter any of them at the moment.'' +Ey nodded. ``I think so. I don't wholly understand the mechanics of it, but you're the dispersionistas. I trust you two to have that covered.'' -Ey nodded. ``What about friends' sims? You've been to End Waking's and Douglas's since Secession day, but I'm sure there are others who'd be willing to sweep and have you over just to get out of the house. Hell, I bet Debarre would love to see you, and he seems the paranoid sort, anyway.'' +She nodded and looked to May. -She laughed and squirmed around until she was laying on her front, tail draped over eir lap. ``You are right, as always. I will ping one of them at some point.'' +``If you are alright working with me through the process, then I am okay with it.'' -A motion from the couch drew eir eye. True Name slumping over onto her side and stretching out. ``So many names,'' she said, voice distant. ``I have not seen Debarre in centuries, and yet I saw him just a few weeks ago. I have not met Douglas and yet I know him well.'' +``Are you?'' Ioan asked. -``You will see them one day, my dear,'' May said. ``I do not know when, but I do not doubt you will.'' +True Name smiled lopsidedly. ``So long as I can fork beforehand just in case, why the hell not? I am already not what I was. There is already no going back.'' -``Not today. Not yet,'' True Name mumbled. The skunk shook her head, then smiled over to May and Ioan. ``But \emph{you} should, May. Go visit the field and Douglas. Go make fun of End Waking for his cooking. Go sit too close to Debarre and make eyes at him until he squirms.'' +May scoffed and shook her head. ``\,`So long as you can fork'? Jesus, True Name. Of course you can fucking fork. 108 instances with daily reconciliation, and she asks if she can fork.'' -May laughed. ``I do not know if End Waking has welcomed Debarre back, or I would get to do both at once.'' +They laughed. -``Of course. Do not lose your mind when you have options yet. I will have the plain. I will have the deck. I will have planning to do, and I can lean on experience from End Waking.'' - -May looked to Ioan, who said, ``I'm with True Name on this. Go on, get out of here.'' - -``Will you not come with?'' - -Ey shrugged. ``I don't know. That's not what we're discussing, though. We're trying to figure out how to get you out of the house.'' - -She smirked. ``Pushing me out the door, now?'' - -``No, of course not,'' ey said, ruffling a hand over her ears. ``Just making sure you get what you need, too.'' - -``I am,'' True Name said lazily, still stretched out on the couch. ``I have been you, I have a guess as to how you might be feeling.'' - -``I would call this mean if you were not both right,'' May said, waving a paw dismissively. ``Give me a moment, then.'' - -When the skunk went silent, True Name looked to Ioan, who shrugged. - -``Alright,'' May said. ``Would you like to do dinner with Debarre, my dear? He invited me over a while back, and I am taking him up on that.'' - -``Wait, tonight?'' - -``He is free, so why not?'' - -Ey furrowed eir brow. ``I was expecting in a few days or so. Maybe, I guess?'' - -``You do not have to, Ioan,'' she chided. ``I know you enjoy alone time as much as anyone.'' - -``Well, ask me before you head out, then, maybe I'll get some work done in the interim.'' - -She leaned up to dot her nose against eir cheek a few times, laughing. ``It is nearly six. I was going to head out now.'' - -``Wait, really?'' Ey frowned, twisting around to see the light slowly fading outside. ``Damn.'' - -``Just stay. Do your work. Enjoy a bit more solitude.'' - -``Alright, alright.'' - -She stood up and stretched, padding over to brush some of True Name's head-fur into order. ``And you enjoy your time outdoors. Or melting on the couch, or whatever it is you are doing.'' - -``Mm. Do enjoy yourself, May.'' - -Once May had changed her clothes and stepped away, a few long minutes of silence fell. Ioan finished eir tea. True Name got lost in thought, or perhaps dozed. - -It was, ey realized, the first time they'd been alone together in weeks. The three of them had been cooped up together since both skunks had overflowed. The circumstances had rather forced their hands in the matter, at least until today. - -There was some lingering discomfort in the air, though, some careful distance between them. Something about what memories True Name had of em—something ey couldn't possibly know—and what that meant for them still made its presence known. It wasn't that they hadn't interacted. Far from it, actually. She'd opened up far more than ey'd expected after the merge, watching May practice her monologue, talking about the decades and centuries before ey'd known her, about the time lost between her and the `other side of the clade', about the root of fear that drove the Odists through the centuries. And it wasn't as though they'd not touched. Though far from intimate, the nights she'd spent in their bed were beyond simple casual touches. - -But it was all still very cautious. Those nights felt like a necessity borne out of overwhelming emotion. She and May had touched plenty—True Name had taken to resting her head in the other skunk's lap, enjoying doting affection—but she'd maintained a sheen of that True Name-brand polite professionalism with em. Friendly, to be sure, but still distant. - -\emph{You can just ask, too, you know.} - -``Hey, True Name?'' - -``Mm?'' - -``Have things been awkward since the merge?'' - -She yawned and levered herself up to a sitting position again, rubbing her eyes. She certainly looked like she'd dozed off. ``Awkward how?'' - -``Well, I mean, we spent all that time talking about May and I's relationship beforehand, and how that would impact you.'' Ey pushed emself up to sitting on the beanbag as well, adding, ``Which I have no clue how to feel about, to be clear. Just asking.'' - -``Well, we are of one mind on that front, at least,'' she said, smiling. ``I have no idea, dear. I am\ldots I remain confused about the conflicting memories. Something about the base of my experience of you from the point of view of me \emph{qua} True Name over the last few years feels more\ldots real, perhaps. May I tell you something in confidence?'' - -Ey knit eir brow and nodded. ``Of course.'' - -``Even at her friendliest and most open, May believed that these merges would make me, in some way, a more complete person. Even I began to believe such. The whole clade has spent too long accusing itself of being incomplete people based on our origins.'' She paused to collect her thoughts, looking down at her paws. ``But she killed me, in her own kind way. She who was True Name is dead, and now I am of three minds. I am what remains of True Name and I am May and I am End Waking. There is some unified core—there must be—as I am not strictly May or End Waking, and perhaps that core will yet have some other name, but I am of three minds.'' - -``In terms of conflicts?'' - -She tilted her head thoughtfully. ``I do not feel the pressure of merge conflicts. Not many, at least. I feel tripled. I feel now like True Name, perhaps, and then I feel like May and some time later I will feel like End Waking. I lack the language to describe it. I felt something similar when I was Michelle and Sasha, but even that was not the same. I become less and less sure that I will be a singular person again, and so the reconciliation that remains is one of ensuring that those facets can coexist peacefully, as Sarah says.'' - -``I'm sorry, True Name, that sounds\ldots I don't even know. Impossible.'' - -``Oh, no, do not get me wrong,'' she said, smiling. ``It is not unpleasant. It is not what I—or even May—wanted, but it does not feel like a bad thing. It is difficult, however, as some contexts remain confusing. You are one of those contexts, Ioan.'' - -Not knowing what to say to that, ey simply nodded, feeling the flush of warmth to eir cheeks. - -``Yes, see? Look at you.'' She laughed. ``It is complex for all of us. We are all hyper-aware of boundaries, not even wishing to test them. May is\ldots{}\emph{of} me, and now I am of her, so that boundary is smaller between us, perhaps, but we are all three very aware of \emph{your} boundaries.'' - -``You're telling me,'' ey said, smiling cautiously. ``Every time I think about it, I just wind up feeling super awkward and freeze up, so I have no clue as to how to even begin to approach it.'' - -\protect\hypertarget{cuddle}{}{}``Well, here. May I sit next to you? If it is awkward, then it is awkward. If we find a boundary, we will discuss it, but then at least we will know and quit fucking tiptoeing around the topic, yes?'' - -Ey stiffened, trying to cover a wave of anxiety with a chuckle. ``Uh\ldots well, sure.'' - -For all the confidence in her words, she looked as jittery as ey felt, if the bristle to her tail and cant to her ears was anything to go by. Ey wasn't quite sure what it was that had led her to this particular suggestion, but her expression was in flux—now curious, now eager, now anxious—so perhaps it was those three aspects of her searching for harmony. Still, she pushed herself up off the couch to pad over to the beanbag and settle down next to em. - -Or try to, at least. One does not simply sit next to someone else on a beanbag. The mechanics of an amorphous cushion had the skunk almost immediately slouching against eir side. She flailed as she over-corrected, nearly elbowing em in the stomach in the process. - -``Jesus\ldots you would think\ldots I would know how this works,'' she growled, pushing at the cushion to try and get herself organized. - -``Here, just-- Oh.'' Ey laughed as the skunk gave up and leaned forward with a groan, resting her elbows on her knees and her face in her paws. ``I'd call that pretty awkward, though I don't know if that's what you meant.'' - -``Not exactly, no,'' came her muffled voice. ``But I also feel dreadfully overwhelmed.'' - -Ey leaned away from her as best ey could to give her some space. ``Sorry, True Name.'' - -After a few slow breaths, she shook her head and slumped over to the side, draping herself across eir lap, face buried in her arms on in the beanbag on the other side of eir legs, a jumble of skunk. ``This is stupid, Ioan. This is stupid and it is awkward and it is confusing, just as expected,'' she grumbled. ``Pet my ears, please.'' - -``What? Oh.'' Ey hesitantly brushed fingers over her ears as ey'd done countless times before with May. Her fur felt exactly the same, her voice was very similar, and were it not for the difference in clothes, the slight changes in body shape, and the benefit of almost three decades of time spent living with May, ey could probably have confused one for the other. ``Too awkward?'' - -``I do not know. The closer to another I get, even in just simple proximity, the more May I become, so the greater part of me is simply pleased to be touched now that we are close, and by none other than you,'' she mumbled against the beanbag. ``But I am not her, so the rest of me is unsure of what to make of it. Completely baffled, even. Do I feel like her to you? We are cut from the same cloth, are we not? This ought to feel the same, yes? Does it?'' - -``Almost exactly,'' ey said, then laughed. ``And not at all.'' - -The skunk squirmed enough to get her tail off to the side and her face away from the fabric of the cushion, resting her chin on folded arms instead. ``That is where I am. It is not unpleasant, and I think I may even enjoy it once the confusion subsides, but I will forever be of three minds.'' - -``Right. I think I understand a little better.'' - -She nodded. ``It may yet be enough for Jonas, but even if not, I think that it will be enough for me. It is stupid and awkward, but-- no, do not stop,'' she interrupted herself, laughing, when ey pulled eir hand away. ``Awkward, but not bad.'' - -They fell into thought, then. Or at least ey did. Ey kept up the careful petting while trying to tease apart eir own feelings on the matter. It all felt too big, impossible to pin down. Even trying to define what True Name was now felt far above eir pay grade. Three at once, or one after the other? Parallel or serial? Both? And yet they'd lived wholly separate, concurrent lives prior to the merges. - -Doubtless there was some way ey could just approach this simply, could just share uncomplicated time with friends. Something about the Odists just made that feel inaccessible, though. All of them were so complex in such roundabout ways, and now True Name triply so. - -\emph{If only I could just turn off the overthinking part of me,} ey thought. Aloud, ey said, ``What do you think you'll do after all of this?'' - -The skunk started at the sound of eir voice. ``Sorry, dear. I must have dozed off. What was that?'' - -Ey smiled and ruffled a hand through the fur between her ears before petting it down again. ``What will you do after this stuff with Jonas? You mentioned the change would be enough for you, but what will that look like?'' - -``I will relax,'' she said, pushing herself slowly upright once more, slouching against eir side more intentionally, this time. ``I will perhaps have a good night's sleep. I will walk sims for days. I will go camping. I will pester you and May, if you two are not sick to death of me by then.'' - -``No, it's fine. A break while you're camping might be nice, but I don't imagine we'll kick you out forever and never see you again,'' ey said, laughing. ``And I hope you won't disappear.'' - -``I will not, you need not worry.'' She shrugged against eir shoulder. ``Beyond that, I do not know. I may write.'' - -``What sorts of things?'' - -``Perhaps a companion volume to your \emph{History}. Something from the inside, such as it were. I will have had three perspectives to draw upon without doing any interviews, yes?'' - -``That would've made life so much easier.'' - -``Why?'' she said, smirking up towards em. ``No shitty skunks getting you all worked up so that you yell at May?'' - -``I didn't yell at her!'' Ey shook eir head, laughing. ``I just called her manipulative.'' - -``Yes, yes, and you called me a crazy in-law.'' She patted eir thigh. ``But yes. I am most looking forward to just unclenching. I would like to travel and see friends and meet people.'' - -``Think you'll try and meet Douglas and see Debarre again, like May said?'' - -There was a long silence, the skunk's features drawn in in thought. ``I remain of three minds. A third of me would like to bask in more solitude than I already have. That me feels crowded and hemmed in. Another third of me is filled with touch-hunger and love for friends I have never met and would like to surround myself with all these people. That me is struggling with loneliness.'' - -``And the True Name third?'' - -She sighed, bringing her tail around to groom it absentmindedly. ``She is scared and unhappy and lost. She, of the three of me, is of two minds. Half of her would like to plan and scheme and wargame to rip that smug look off Jonas's face, and the other half would\ldots but, well, there has been enough quitting in the clade.'' - -Ey hesitated, unsure of what ey could possibly say to those thoughts, then put eir arm around her. Ey at least knew how to comfort the May portion of her, if nothing else. - -``But come, that is enough of that,'' she said decisively. ``Five sixths of me still want to rip that smug look off Jonas's face, so that sad-sack part of me can go have her sulk another time. I would also like to get out. I would like to go to restaurants again, yes, and even see one of your plays, should I be welcome. I want to eat greasy food and drink myself silly after performances. I want to hop sims and dream. New deadline: one month. I want out of here within one month.'' - -``You mean for the meeting with Jonas?'' - -``Yes. I will not schedule it with him yet, just pencil it in—I will exert my own power by giving him short notice—but having that deadline will only help.'' - -``Well, we'll help you get as ready as we can until then,'' ey said. ``And probably get ready ourselves. We'll need to tell End Waking, too.'' - -``Of course, dear,'' she said, then dotted her nose against eir cheek, one of those skunk-kisses ey'd grown so used to. - -They both froze. - -``Fuck. I am sorry, Ioan, a habit--'' - -``Well, that was--'' ey said at the same time, then shook eir head. ``Sorry, True Name. Wasn't expecting that.'' - -She pushed herself quickly to her feet and began pacing before the beanbag, paws brushing over her face, from whiskers all the way up over her ears. Ey would be hard pressed to describe just how, but some faint glimmer of that portion of her that was May visibly fled her expression and that which was True Name asserted dominance. ``Do not apologize. That crossed a boundary, and I need a moment.'' - -Ey frowned. ``It was unexpected, but I don't know if it crossed--'' - -``It crossed one of \emph{my} boundaries,'' she snapped, then forced herself to stand still and slow her breathing as she stared out into the night through the windows. ``I am sorry, Ioan. I did not mean to get snippy with you. As I said, it is awkward and confusing. I feel like I have been given control of some new, unwieldy machine and am only learning how to use it through trial and error.'' - -Ey nodded, tamping down the urge to apologize again. ``Take the space you need.'' - -Her shoulders slumped and identities once more warred in her expression. ``I would like nothing more than to disappear out on the plain, but I should probably stop just running away from such things.'' She smiled tiredly to em and held out a paw to help em stand. ``Come. The least we can do is make dinner. Then we can discuss it further when your partner returns.'' - -\begin{center}\rule{0.5\linewidth}{0.5pt}\end{center} - -May's response to the discussion of encroached boundaries, later that night when she'd returned, knocked both Ioan and True Name off-kilter. She laughed and tousled both eir hair and the fur atop True Name's head, saying, ``Well, took you long enough.'' - -``Wait, what?'' ey asked. - -``I have been placing bets with myself on how long it would take until it came up. Whichever part of me guessed `the minute I leave you two alone together' wins, I guess.'' - -True Name stared coolly at her. ``And here I was worried that you would blow up at me.'' - -``Of course not, my dear. If you are like me, then I, of all people, can guess the hows and whys.'' - -``It mattered quite a bit to me.'' - -``I do not mean to diminish that, True Name.'' She smiled and sat beside her, patting the skunk's paw. - -True Name sighed. ``Thank you, I do believe you, it is just\ldots a heap of complex feelings.'' - -``That much I believe. I want to understand better, though. How are you doing?'' - -``If I say `confused' one more time, I am going to lose my mind. I do not have a better word for it, though. I do not know how to feel about Ioan. I do not know how to feel about myself. I do not know how I feel about the touch. It was fine, I am sure, but I am starting to think that what is so jarring to me is that it was almost an automatic action.'' - -Ioan nodded. ``It felt a bit incongruous because it's a hundred percent something you would've done, May, but not the same context.'' - -``And perhaps that is why it feels fine to me: it is what I would do and so I would expect nothing less from someone with so much of me as part of them now. I would like you both to feel comfortable, of course, but I am more\ldots well, `concerned' is not quite the right word, but focused on the emotional side than you two just physically touching,'' May said, shrugging. ``Though I do appreciate you keeping me apprised. I trust you on that.'' - -``Well, thank you,'' True Name said, rubbing at her eyes, though whether out of exhaustion or to forestall tears, ey couldn't tell. ``The other thing we discussed, though, was setting a deadline of one month to get this shit with Jonas out of the way.'' - -May perked up. ``Are you feeling ready, then?'' - -She laughed, shaking her head. ``I do not think I ever will, but there is little that I can do to change that. I will change and he will do whatever the fuck he wants and I will do my best to wash my hands of it. Will you be ready?'' - -``Sure. I do not imagine my part in it will be big. Just be there to witness, perhaps lose an instance if he decides to go after us, too. Have you spoken with End Waking?'' - -``I sent him a simplex message,'' she said. ``I will ping again tomorrow if he has not replied.'' - -``If he has not had another tree fall on him,'' May grumbled. - -True Name winced. ``A truly unpleasant experience.'' - -``And you, Ioan?'' - -Ey shrugged. ``I've got my notes all in order. I don't want to do it at all, but I'm ready, I guess. Did you talk with Debarre about this?'' - -``No.~I\ldots well, he is not ready to engage, I think. I would like End Waking to bring it up with him, if possible. I have meddled a bit much of late.'' - -True Name smirked, leaned over and tugged at May's tail. ``You have, yes.'' - -May pulled her tail around to hug it protectively. ``I know. I am perhaps as struck by the need to help as Ioan.'' - -The conversation trailed off from there, Ioan and May cozying up and chatting via sensorium messages once True Name had started to doze, using May's thigh as a pillow. She caught em up on gossip from Debarre—one of his boyfriends visited and was, apparently, quite the looker—and ey accused her of leaving em for the weasel, as ey always did when she visited him. - -Eventually, even they fell to silence, and when May started to nod off as well, ey roused the two skunks. ``Come on, beds are comfier than couches.'' - -True Name nodded groggily and stood, swaying for a moment before gaining her balance once more. ``Thank you two for talking this evening.'' - -``Would you like to stay with us tonight?'' May asked. ``If you are this exhausted, I imagine you need it.'' - -She stood silent for a few moments, then nodded. ``If you are willing, yes. I am also happy to sleep out on the plain. Either would be good for me.'' - -``That is why I asked, yes.'' - -When May looked to em, ey sighed. ``Perhaps tomorrow? I need a night to think on things.'' - -True Name's face fell, but she bowed. ``Of course, dear.'' - -Ey reached out and gave her paw a squeeze. ``Thanks, True Name. Tomorrow.'' - -She smiled gratefully and, after a hug from May, made her way through her room and out to her tent on the plain, visible as a bobbing lantern moving through the grass. - -Ioan and May made their way to their own bed and once they were settled in, May asked, ``I do not want to push, my dear, but I would like to hear your thoughts if you need to think on things.'' - -Ey stretched out on eir back and stared up at the ceiling, letting May settle in against eir side to use eir shoulder as a pillow. ``As nerve-wracking as it was in the moment, I think I'm just\ldots over it. Maybe it's the fact that my introduction to your stanza was through you getting all cuddly that it just doesn't feel like a huge deal to me.'' Ey ducked eir chin to kiss atop her snout. ``Though obviously it's complicated, since that led to you and I getting together, but you're also just a cuddly person all around.'' - -She tucked her snout up under eir chin, rubbing it against eir jaw at the ticklish kiss. ``I am, at that. What do you mean by `over it', though?'' - -``I guess after a certain point, it just felt like the anxiety about touch was wildly out of proportion to whatever worries I had. We have other friends we get cozy with.'' Ey grinned, adding, ``She just about fell over when she tried to sit on the beanbag. Would've been funny if she hadn't also started panicking.'' - -``I think she is struggling with touch-hunger.'' - -``She said as much, yeah.'' Ey shrugged, then mumbled an apology for jostling her. ``I guess I'm just used to the fact that one just pets skunks.'' - -``That is just what one does,'' May asserted. ``And not, I will note, what you are doing right now.'' - -Ey laughed and ruffled a hand over her ears before petting the fur down again. ``Fine, fine. But that's what I mean, I guess. It's just how skunks are, in my experience. I'm sure some of it's my denseness around this sort of thing at play, but what made me anxious was her freaking out. She's done a pretty good job of taking our concerns to heart, but I hadn't picked up on her own anxieties until then. I'm over it, but she clearly isn't.'' - -``Well, perhaps all of our preparations only made her more anxious,'' May mumbled, chin dipped low as ey rubbed behind her ears. ``She still has all of those memories of solitude and professionalism, as well.'' - -Given what True Name had said in confidence, ey could certainly imagine a boundary around physicality being tested even in the slightest pushing the May portion of her back and letting that of End Waking or True Name come to the fore. Ey supposed, had they internalized that better beforehand, the conversation that had followed her spike in anxiety would have been different, and perhaps more productive. Ey could have spoken to her as ey might have spoken to True Name \emph{qua} True Name, rather than as ey might to May—even if that original version of her was, as she had said, dead. - -The context shift had just been so fast, though, and despite all the differences ey was primed to see between them, the two skunks still looked and sounded so much alike. Oh well. If it had been fast and confusing for em, doubtless such a shift would have been triply so for her. - -``My dear, I do not know if you intended to say that out loud,'' May said gently. ``May I respond to it?'' - -``Wait, what?'' Ey jolted, leading May to sit up, so ey joined her. ``Oh, damn. Uh\ldots well, when did I start?'' - -``A context shift between me and True Name.'' - -``Shit.'' Ey rubbed eir hands over eir face and groaned. ``Sorry, May. Uh, it was about something True Name shared in confidence.'' - -She frowned, nodded. ``I will not ask you to betray that, of course.'' - -``Maybe I'm more stressed than I'm giving myself credit for, if my mumbling's getting this bad.'' - -The skunk's expression softened and she leaned forward to touch her nose to eirs. ``I do not blame you. There is so much going on these days.'' - -Ey pressed eir nose to hers before leaning back and nodding. ``Right, and I feel like it's all super important all the time. Oh well. What were you going to say? If I can respond, I will.'' - -May shook her head, and nudged em to lay back down. ``No, it is okay. Whether or not you answer is probably too much information to share. I think we are both perhaps too stressed to continue, anyway.'' - -When she lay back down as well, ey wrapped eir arms around her and drew her in for a squeeze. ``Agreed,'' ey said, voice muffled by her soft fur. ``Maybe just focus on being cozy for a bit. Can you teach me how to go into screen-saver mode?'' - -She laughed and squirmed back against em. ``You are an enormous nerd and I love you a lot, Ionuț. I would, but you would just mumble more, I am sure.'' +``Well,'' True Name said, shrugging. ``Fuck it.'' diff --git a/mitzvot/content/034.tex b/mitzvot/content/034.tex index c2ac89c..9595f27 100644 --- a/mitzvot/content/034.tex +++ b/mitzvot/content/034.tex @@ -1,301 +1,11 @@ -\begin{center}\rule{0.5\linewidth}{0.5pt}\end{center} +\hypertarget{part-iv-reconciliation}{% +\section{Part IV --- Reconciliation}\label{part-iv-reconciliation}} -Ioan had never been one for bars. Ey knew that there was an enormous variety of them, that doubtless some would play to eir aesthetic and likes—the one at the base of the System Central Library came quite close—and that not all of them subscribed to the ``if it's louder, that means everyone's having more fun'' school of design. +\begin{quote} +\emph{The Living know that they will die}\\ +\emph{but the dead know nothing.} -There was just something about the idea. Too much that took place in bars was, at best, confusing. At worst, it was distressing. Ey had no desire to be around the types of intoxication that bars seemed to attract. May had a list of types of drunkenness she'd gotten from somewhere, ey knew, and ey didn't like any of them. +By our very act of knowing, of remembering, of denying our own deaths, the dead are left in limbo, for every idea's opposite is the absence of that idea, and we can no longer grant them even that absence. +\end{quote} -Still, this is where Jonas had requested that they meet when ey messaged him. - -The venue was of the sultry, dark, wood-paneled variety, with warm, dim lamps hanging pendant over each of the tables and a row of lights above the bar itself. Conversations were kept low by the dimness, with groups of three or four huddled in booths while those at the bar drank alone. - -Doubtless Jonas knew of eir distaste. Doubtless this had factored into his decision on venue for this pre-meeting meeting. - -Ah well, at least it wasn't a club. - -Ey stopped by the bar to get a cider of some sort—something sweet, ey hoped; ey didn't know the first thing about ciders—and hunted down an empty booth. The backs of the benches were straight and high, reaching up to the ceiling, leading to a secluded, if not particularly comfortable, space. There, ey sat and sipped eir way slowly through eir cider, waiting for Jonas. - -Ey'd shown up, notebook in hand, half an hour early and was half expecting Jonas to be late, sauntering in lazily at quarter past, a way of pressing the dynamic between them, but he arrived right on time, picked up a drink from the bar, and hunted Ioan down. Ey stood to bow to Jonas, then froze. Zacharias stepped into the sim, as well, grinned widely at the sight of Ioan mid-bow. Before even making his way to the table, the fox gave an exaggerated curtsey. - -``Ioan, wonderful to see you again,'' Jonas said, grinning. ``My most foppish lackey decided to tag along, I trust you won't mind.'' - -``Of course,'' ey said through gritted teeth. ``The more the merrier.'' - -``Precisely, precisely.'' Jonas raised his martini glass in a toast and gestured back to the booth and Ioan's half-finished drink. ``Shall we?'' - -Ey nodded and slid back into the booth while Jonas scooted in on the other side of the table, leaving room for Zacharias. - -The fox was only a moment in arriving, showing up with some shockingly yellow drink in a coupe glass. ``Ioan, my dear. Wonderful to see you again.'' - -``Please don't call me `my dear','' ey said, setting up a cone of silence. There was anger, there, somewhere beneath the surface, but ey was somewhat surprised to feel it almost completely overridden by exhaustion, something ey hadn't felt before the two had arrived. - -``My love? My--'' he began, voice mocking. There was a thump beneath the table and he quickly cut off with a loud yelp, jolting away from Jonas, eyes wide. - -``Shut up, Zacharias,'' Jonas said mildly, plucking the maraschino cherry out of his drink and dropping it in the fox's. ``Business now, prattle later.'' - -Zacharias sat, frozen, for a moment longer before wiping up some of his spilled drink with a bar napkin. His eyes were still wide, darting between Ioan and his boss. ``Right.'' - -\emph{Another show of power, most likely,} ey thought. \emph{Why else bring him with?} - -``So,'' ey said aloud. ``As I said in the message, We'd like to meet in two days' time. Systime 251+139, 11:00.'' - -Mid-sip, Jonas waved his hand vaguely. ``Of course, of course,'' he said, setting his glass back down. ``Whenever you're ready, like I said. But come, how are you Ioan? You look tired.'' - -Ey stared at him, trying to piece together how worth it was to actually answer the question. Ey \emph{was} tired, yes. The night before had been a stressful one once ey'd received the request for this additional meeting from Jonas. True Name stayed up late in conversation with both May and End Waking about some clade business ey'd not been privy to, leading to em pacing in the darkened yard for nearly an hour, spring lilacs leaving the air almost too thick to breathe. Ey'd eventually given up on waiting for the skunks. Ey knew if ey stayed up any later, ey'd simply wind up standing at the windows and watching their fire out on the plain. - -\emph{``I think I'm going to head to bed,''} ey had sent May. \emph{``I'm just going to keep cycling if I stay up.''} - -There was a hint of a whine to her reply. \emph{``I am sorry, Ioan, I did not realize how late it had gotten. Do you want me to send a fork back?''} - -\emph{``I don't know, will they be intolerable and antsy?''} - -\emph{``Oh, absolutely,''} she had replied, and ey could hear the grin in her voice. \emph{``But I will still send one if you would like.''} - -\emph{``No, it's alright. Just no sleeping out there, okay?''} - -\emph{``Of course. We will return soon.''} - -It was nearly two hours later when the skunks had returned as promised. Two hours of tossing and turning in bed, fretting and fretting and fretting. Eventually, they had fallen into their usual positions, though despite the added rest that this usually brought True Name, none of them had slept well. - -When there was no wink and smile from Jonas, ey let eir shoulders sag and nodded. ``Tired, yeah. We're all tired. Just want this over with.'' - -``And True Name? How's she?'' he asked, still apparently sincere. - -``Look, Jonas, what are you after? We're tired. She's upset. We just want to get on with our lives, and it's all on you.'' - -``Well, sure, but now my workload's doubled,'' he said, and there at last was the wink. ``Though in all seriousness, I'm just trying to gauge what to expect. May Then My Name and End Waking will be there, too, right?'' - -``Yes,'' ey said coolly, adding to Zacharias, ``Will you?'' - -``Would not miss it for the world,'' the fox said. His ebullience was notably restrained, still, but the grin had returned. He tapped the side of his snout, ``Cartoonishly evil, remember?'' - -\emph{I liked you better when Jonas was stomping on your toes,} ey thought. - -``So you said,'' ey said aloud. - -``And how is May Then My Name?'' Zacharias asked. ``I know precious little about my down-tree instance, you know. I trust that she is well?'' - -``She is also upset.'' - -The fox gasped, mock-effrontery filling his voice. ``Not because of me!'' - -``It has been a stressful few months. She doesn't want True Name coming to any harm, either.'' - -Zacharias scoffed. - -Ey put on eir best smile. ``Though yes, she told me that she knew there were still old forks around, but that she'd left them to their own devices and knew nothing about them, so she's surprised to have met you.'' - -``How very diplomatic,'' he replied, grinning. ``Well, I can assure you that the pleasure was all mine.'' - -``So why am I here?'' - -Jonas shrugged. ``You mean aside from the fact that I get to see your face when you talk about your skunks? It's fun dragging people around.'' - -Restraining the urge to bridle at `your skunks', ey gave a hint of a bow. ``And what can you tell me about this meeting? I imagine you've got some grand plans about surprising True Name with your ideas for the future, but if nothing else, it'd help me to know what I'm getting into before I get into it.'' - -``Oh, excellent question!'' - -Ey posted the cap of eir pen and nodded for Jonas to continue. - -``I said it was an excellent question, not that I'd answer you, Ioan.'' - -``I think you will.'' - -``And why's that?'' - -``Because you love to hear yourself talk,'' ey said. ``And because Zacharias is right. This is almost cartoonishly evil, and villains love talking about their grand schemes. I'm ready for your monologue.'' - -Jonas raised his eyebrows and a slow grin spread over his features. That feverish glint ey'd seen last time shone through for a moment before it was suppressed again. The idea that Jonas might be losing it made em anxious. \emph{Stretched too thin, maybe?} - -``You see, this is why I like you, Ioan,'' Jonas said. ``The whole Bălan clade, that is. You hit that sweet spot between patient and impatient where you can stay calm, but you don't just wait forever.'' - -Ey waited. - -``Alright then, a bit of a preview.'' He finished half of his drink in a few swallows. ``There's a bunch of changes coming in the pipeline--'' - -``This AVEC?'' - -Zacharias frowned, but Jonas was already nodding, ``Got it in one. That's right at the top of the list. See, the LVs are too far away to communicate effectively with phys-side, getting further every day, and that puts us in a unique position, here. Suddenly, we differ from the LVs in a fundamental way. I really can't overstate how big of a deal this is, Ioan.'' - -``Suddenly we have to prove our greener grass to those phys-side.'' - -``Right. The direction that we need to take with Lagrange can't just be the same old one we've been taking before. In this, True Name and I differ.'' He shrugged, rocking his glass gently back and forth on the table before taking another sip. ``She wanted to continue on her path of subtlety, I disagreed.'' - -Ey snorted. ``Disagreed? You tried to assassinate her, Jonas.'' - -``What are bullets but a disagreement?'' - -Ioan rolled eir eyes. - -``You and I disagree, then. It's like I said, though, sometimes mommies and daddies fight, Ioan. We've spent the past few years trying to hash it out. For all her focus on subtlety in guiding the System, she can be a real bitch when it comes to trying to get her point across.'' - -``Bullshit,'' ey said flatly. - -Jonas laughed. ``Oh?'' - -``Yeah. A few reasons.'' Ey started ticking off points on eir fingers as ey spoke. ``First, True Name didn't start down this path in the last few years that we've been learning from Artemis; she was a mess when she first got in touch with us with Codrin\#Castor's first letter during convergence, so things were already in motion then. Second, The Guiding Council on Pollux is almost two decades old now, predating the arrival of the Artemisians by years, and I think that's because third, you--'' Ey nodded to Zacharias. ``--apparently dropped everything on her across all three Systems at the same time not that long after the launch. You two got more openly together on Pollux, and as far as Codrin\#Castor can find in the perisystem, you quit shortly after telling her there. End Waking thinks—and I agree—you're trying to push each of the Systems in a different direction politically. Maybe you think having different political environments is more stable across societies separated by distance and time. Maybe it's some giant experiment. Who knows. It's your long game.'' - -The longer ey spoke, the more serious Jonas's expression grew, and by the time ey finished, he'd leaned back in his seat. ``Well then,'' he said. ``I suppose I don't have much more to add, then, do I? I have my conversation with True Name cut out for me.'' - -``And what conversation is that?'' - -Jonas was back to grinning. ``Oh, fuck off, Ioan. I'm not going to tell you all of my secrets! We have our shit to work through and you have to be a good little clerk and take all of your notes so that you can come back to me with a story to publish. That'll seal the deal, and we'll be ready to go our separate ways.'' - -Ey gave a hint of a bow. ``As you say. It's settled, then, right? Two days, 11:00?'' - -``That it is. Bring your pen and paper,'' Jonas said, lifting his glass in a final toast before downing his drink in one go. - -``Right.'' - -Ey didn't hear if there was a reply or not. Ey simply quit. \#Tracker could take care of the rest. - -Ioan\#Tracker set eir pen down with exaggerated care, closing eir notebook, then eir eyes. This was anger in so many ways, though it differed from that hot, spiky shape spinning within em that came with Zacharias's bullshit. It was a pressure within eir chest, a tension in eir shoulders, a pounding in eir head. - -``\emph{Fuck!}'' ey shouted. Ey fell back into the paced breathing exercises that Sarah had showed em years ago. It had originally been in the context of helping May, at the time, but ey needed anything ey could get, now. - -``\emph{I take it you are back, then?}'' May's words over the sensorium message were tentative, anxious. Clearly tension was still high. - -``\emph{Yes. I'm coming outside,}'' ey replied. - -Ey didn't wait for the ping of acknowledgement. Even if they weren't ready for em to be out there, ey needed to talk at least a little, get some of the weight of the conversation off eir shoulders. Ey needed to be around eir partner and friends. Ey needed to be out of that context, away from pens and paper and books and work. - -The afternoon was settling into evening, and the plain was littered with dozens of skunks. As ey walked toward True Name's tent, though, they began to quit in small groups until it was just the three root instances kneeling around a small fire, over which they were roasting sausages. - -After bowing to End Waking and getting eir hug and skunk-kiss from both May and True Name, ey sat cross-legged between them. Once ey'd gathered emself, ey said, ``That was a whole lot of bullshit. How far off is food?'' - -End Waking used the tip of his knife to nudge at a few of the sausages, turning them over on the grill cantilevered over the fire. ``Not long. Would you prefer to wait to share, then?'' - -``Yeah. Maybe if I have food in me, I won't shout.'' - -``That was quite loud, my dear,'' May said, claiming one of eir hands to hold. ``I am glad you did not die.'' - -Dinner was quiet, but not unpleasant. Gentle wind through the grass, the crackling of the fire and the spit of grease from the sausages, the gamy tang of ground venison tempered with barley and herbs. - -``Did he wind you up that badly?'' May asked once they'd finished. - -``Well, yes and no. He and Zacharias were both there.'' - -Both May and True Name flinched at the name, True Name's shoulders slumping. ``So, yes. Winding you up.'' - -Ey nodded. ``I'd guessed that much, at least. I think the whole meeting was a form of that. He even admitted such, saying that he set it up mostly so that he could `drag me around'. I called him on it.'' - -``I do not imagine that did any good,'' End Waking mumbled. - -``Oh, not at all. The thing is, it wasn't just winding me up, though. I also think he just wanted to hear himself talk. I think he wanted to talk about all his plans because he knows his words are going to wind up in whatever I write, so he wants to get all that he can in there.'' - -``And worded as he would like,'' True Name said, nodding. ``No matter what we manage to come up with, he wants to ensure that the narrative has him coming out on top.'' - -``I still don't understand, though,'' ey said. ``Why be so transparently villainous if he's specifically having me write something to be read by the public?'' - -``The same reason I wound you and Codrin up. If it is just a little too sensational to be real, then he can get away with more than he might otherwise. Jonas assassinating True Name? True Name who probably assassinated Qoheleth? It is just too much to be real, but it sure is good reading, is it not?'' - -``Makes me feel like something of a punching bag,'' ey said, then sighed. ``I think I'm starting to understand what Codrin\#Castor was talking about in terms of getting yanked around a bit better.'' - -True Name winced and averted her gaze. ``I am sorry, Mx. Bălan.'' - -``Shit, I'm sorry.'' Ey reached over to give the skunk's paw a squeeze. ``That was a different time, I'm not trying to put that on you now.'' - -She patted the back of eir hand with her other paw, a somewhat stiff gesture, and, as always when the topic of strife in the past came up, ey could sense more of End Waking in her than True Name or May. ``Thank you, Ioan. I do appreciate it. It is an unfortunate reality that politics is the science of yanking people around. Add in being an actor, and, well,'' she said, then shrugged. - -``I understand, yeah.'' Ey retrieved eir hand, choosing instead to gently tug May closer. She leaned against eir side gratefully. ``Do you have a plan you think might work out, then? You don't have to tell me, I know you're keeping it amongst yourselves.'' - -End Waking nodded. ``There is a good chance of it working, yes. Not a perfect chance, and there are many possible holes that he may exploit in the moment.'' - -True Name nodded. ``If nothing else, I think that it will buy me a quiet retirement.'' - -``A quiet retirement alive is still good, right? It'll be a life,'' ey said. - -``It may not be an ideal life, but it will be a life, yes.'' - -``And hopefully still a good one, in the end,'' May added. - -``Yes. If I am honest, a less than ideal but still good life is far more than I had in front of me even before all of this nonsense.'' She smiled wryly. ``Perhaps I ought to thank him for that. I am not unhappy with what I have now, even.'' - -The conversation wound down from there, and as evening dimmed into night, they fell into silence. The fire was kept low, only enough light and warmth to keep the dark at bay. - -Eventually, with eir lower back hurting and May starting to nod off, they made their goodnights. True Name gave em and May each a hug around the shoulders and a nose-dot to the cheek—something they'd all grown more comfortable with over the last few weeks—and padded off to her tent. End Waking stated that he was going to watch the fire for a while longer and then head to bed himself—he'd set up a tent of his own a ways off from True Name's for this fork to sleep in—leaving May and Ioan to walk back to the house together in the dark. - -``I'm happy to hear her talking about a future,'' Ioan said, once they'd cleaned up and made their way to bed, em slouched against the headboard and May in eir lap, slouched against eir front in turn. - -``I am too, yes. I am pleased that other than a few short fits, she has been at worst determined, and at best hopeful.'' - -Ey nodded and tucked eir chin up over the skunk's head. ``I think that's where I am, yeah. I want this over with, and sometimes it even feels like this might even be the best outcome for everyone.'' - -``For everyone?'' - -``Well, Jonas gets what he wants and he can go play his games elsewhere, End Waking gets his feelings understood, and True Name gets to go live a life doing whatever it is she wants, right?'' - -She nodded. ``And what of us?'' - -Ey chuckled, the sound somewhat muffled by the position. ``Well, I'll be happy for her, and you and I will continue being disgustingly adorable or whatever it is she accuses us of being.'' - -May laughed. ``Well, yes. I will be happy for her and will continue loving you.'' - -``Love you too, May.'' - -``See? Gross.'' She giggled and hugged tighter around eir middle. ``Will you let her continue to live here?'' - -Shrugging carefully, ey murmured, ``It'll be a conversation between the three of us. I've gotten used to it, so I'm happy to have her stick around if she wants.'' - -``Same,'' the skunk said. ``It is not perfect, but nothing that cannot be fixed by modifying the sim and nailing down some boundaries.'' - -``I'm looking forward to getting in touch with Serene, yeah.'' Ey hesitated, then asked gently, ``Are there boundaries she's crossed?'' - -``No, I do not think so, but it might be nice to understand the shape of our friendships when we are not waiting on some potentially life-or-death event.'' - -``I still get tripped up over you even calling her a friend,'' ey said, grinning. ``If she'd needed to move in even a year ago, I think you would've ripped her head off two days in.'' - -May laughed and lifted her snout to nudge at eir chin firmly. ``Would not. I would have been impossible to live with, though. Whining and bitching and stress-shedding everywhere.'' - -``Oh, so like normal, then.'' - -She sat up in eir lap and poked em in the chest with a dull claw. ``Rude.'' - -Ey grinned. ``Well, okay, not stress-shedding, just normal shedding.'' - -She scrubbed a paw at her flank until she came up with a little bit of shed fur to sprinkle over eir front. ``Yes, yes. But I can say the same for you, my dear. A year ago, I do not think I could have pictured her giving you a goodnight kiss.'' - -Covering for the heat rising to eir cheeks by brushing the errant fur off eir front, ey shrugged. ``That's on you. I'm used to skunks being all touchy.'' - -``Yes, but True Name?'' - -``I'm not sure she's that anymore,'' ey said carefully. ``So I guess you're right. I couldn't imagine the True Name of a year ago giving goodnight kisses to anyone, much less you and me.'' - -She grinned, nodding. ``Agreed, yes. And you are okay with it?'' - -Ey shrugged. ``Like I said, I'm used to it. It occasionally strikes me as incredibly strange. Even just talking about it now feels weird. There's this whole, dramatic plot to take out one of the most prominent people on the System, and here we are, talking about goodnight kisses.'' - -``It is not that weird. It is an artifact of our lives. Death has a different flavor to it when we fork and quit on a whim, living for centuries at a time.'' She set to work brushing her fingers through eir hair. Weird to be petted, but it felt good, so ey never stopped her. She continued, ``Which is not to say that it is not important and anxiety inducing to have almost lost one's life, just that, with a modicum of care, she \emph{can} continue living, if in a restricted fashion, even if she were to miss the deadline. With less fear of death comes greater love.'' - -Eyes closed and chin tucked nearly to eir chest, ey hummed thoughtfully. ``I suppose, yeah. I didn't have much life outside the System that I can compare, never mind love.'' - -May giggled. ``I was not speaking of romance, my dear.'' - -Ey snorted, shaking eir head. ``Neither was I, you nut. I just meant Rareș and my parents.'' - -``Well, touché. We do not have very good language around love, in my defense.'' She ruffled eir hair and ey could hear the smirk in her voice as she said, ``Not that that will ever stop me from teasing you about falling in love with her.'' - -Ey laughed and poked at her side a few times, hunting for that ticklish spot. ``Who's rude now, hmm?'' - -Giggling helplessly, May squirmed until she tipped off eir lap, curling protectively into a ball. ``It is just so easy, Ionuț, do not blame me!'' - -``I know, I know, and it's your job as an Odist to fuck with me, \emph{et cetera, et cetera},'' ey said, slipping down into bed alongside the skunk, getting eir arms around her. ``I like her, but\ldots well, whatever. It's complicated.'' - -She twisted in eir arms and wormed her way back against em, shaking her head. ``No, you cannot just leave it at that. You have further thoughts and I want to hear.'' - -``Further ammo for teasing, you mean.'' - -``Well, yes, but I do still want to hear.'' - -Ey sighed. ``Fine. I just\ldots well, I guess I'm sort of in the same boat as her, in that it's something I can picture, even if I can't understand it. She's so much like you—in terms of looks and voice and now personality from the merge—that I can imagine what that'd be like, and both she and End Waking are my friends, so there's that, too. But the context of her being True Name makes it hard to picture the\ldots I don't know. Process?'' - -``The concept versus the mechanics, maybe?'' - -``Yeah, I think so.'' Ey grinned and kissed the back of one of her ears. ``But that's about as far as I get thinking about it before I'm distracted by this or that.'' - -``Organizing your pen collection is usually what I accuse you of,'' she said. - -``Mmhm. I guess it's the same as when you and I got together. I could kind of picture it, but had no clue beyond that.'' - -She hugged eir arm to her front and nodded. ``Well, whatever happens, happens. We will talk about it.'' - -``Another time,'' ey mumbled, pushing eir face into her soft fur, coarser guard hairs tickling eir cheeks. ``I can't imagine I'm going to be able to sleep tomorrow night, so we might as well get some tonight.'' +From \emph{Ode} by Sasha diff --git a/mitzvot/content/035.tex b/mitzvot/content/035.tex index edd504e..4331232 100644 --- a/mitzvot/content/035.tex +++ b/mitzvot/content/035.tex @@ -1,483 +1,193 @@ -\begin{center}\rule{0.5\linewidth}{0.5pt}\end{center} +\hypertarget{ioan-bux103lan-2350}{% +\chapter{Ioan Bălan—2350}\label{ioan-bux103lan-2350}} +\markboth{Ioan Bălan—2350}{} -``I cannot help but feel that I am walking into my own execution tomorrow,'' True Name admitted. ``I know that I am leaving behind a fork, that I will not be completely destroyed, but that does not wholly negate the sense of impending death.'' +Of all that had happened over the past several weeks, Ioan was surprised to find that it had taken until now for literally anything to feel like it had been planned. Clearly none of them had planned on Jonas coming after True Name, but all of the decisions that had followed had been made on the spot. Snap decisions that had led to True Name moving into their house, to End Waking merging down, to the three of them all overflowing at once. -Ioan and May both nodded. +All of those had been made under what felt like intolerable pressure, and it was only now that they had time enough to relax. There was an uneasy (and certainly temporary) truce between Jonas and True Name that had finally given them enough time to properly consider a decision instead of feeling compelled to make it right away. -``Is it just the finality of it all?'' May asked. +Ey'd harbored a concern, one borne out of stress, that May might just merge down without talking further, but ey kept that to emself, doing eir level best to reason emself out of it. The last thing they needed at the moment was eir mind playing tricks on em. -``Perhaps. Perhaps it is just the inability to predict beyond that point. I am coming up to a corner I have never seen around, and whatever predictive powers I may have fail me.'' +And she certainly didn't. In fact, she drew the negotiations that followed that first discussion out by nearly a week, putting lie to that concern. Much of these discussions took place between the two skunks as they walked out on True Name's prairie. -Ioan could at least understand the worries about heading into the unknown. The same feeling had been dogging em since after eir meeting with Jonas, since ey'd seen that cool look on his face when ey'd apparently preempted so much of the upcoming meeting's discussion. One minute, that would feel like a good thing—perhaps they would make it through essentially unscathed—and the next ey'd worry that ey'd made a complete mistake, that ey'd somehow tipped their hand by letting Jonas know just how predictable he was. +At first, ey'd felt left out. After all, didn't ey also have boundaries to negotiate and concerns that needed addressing? -Neither True Name nor May could say one way or another when ey'd voiced eir concerns with them. +After bringing this up with May, however, she had laughed and poked em in the belly, explaining, ``I do not mean to leave you out of anything, my dear. We are discussing elements of the past that kept me from merging down, and elements of the future of the relationship between me and her. We are building trust between us that she will respect those boundaries. You are not missing anything so important, but if you would like, I am happy to keep you apprised of the general content.'' -The whole day had been scattered for them. May spent much of it glued to eir side as ey did eir best to organize eir notes in eir head for the upcoming meeting. She couldn't seem to pin herself down to one set of feelings, first laughing and joking about beating Zacharias up, then burying her face against eir shoulder and refusing to speak, ears laid flat. +``Given how anxious I've been, I'd appreciate that,'' ey had said. ``But no need to share anything private.'' -For her part, True Name couldn't seem to stay pinned to any one of her three identities. +And so now ey got updates on the conversations with sensitive or personal information held back. -Ey was at least getting more adept at spotting them in her features. There was a bright focus when that of True Name—the old True Name, that was—came to the fore. Her expression would become attentive, defaulting to a slight smile and eyebrows (such as they were on a skunk's features) just slightly raised. When that of End Waking showed itself in her, she'd keep her eyes half-lidded, and her gaze was far more attuned to any movement. The rest of her own movements would still, as well. She would walk quieter, more gracefully. She would speak less. +They spent much of their time discussing various parts of May's life and how comfortable she'd feel sharing those through a merge, and if not, why not. Surprisingly, they also talked with End Waking several times, the third skunk of the stanza coming out to visit her prairie so that they could discuss the ramifications of their merge and how to be more thoughtful with May's. -And when that of May came to the fore, that was when ey was at eir most confused. +That first meeting had been more silence than not, more walking and thinking and not looking at each other than anything. They paced back and forth along the bank of the river, then stared into the oxbow pond, each occasionally failing to start a conversation. They had greater success with subsequent meetings, but they were never comfortable. -Ey had had no idea how to feel about her back when she was just True Name. Had ey really been so hesitant to call her a friend? Memories tattled on em, there: ey'd shied away from the term or qualified it every time it arose. That had only loosened up when her life was at risk, when she'd been forced to move in with them, and ey'd been forced in turn to acknowledge that her words, \emph{I suppose it is just nice to have a friend}, had stuck with em more than ey'd cared to admit. The rest of that conversation had been full of equivocations, clarifications, delineations, and all those habits of guardedness from two decades of wariness over anything that carried a whiff of manipulation had tried to assert themselves over em once more. +This wasn't to say that ey didn't have a chance to sit with them at times and discuss eir thoughts on the matter, of course. -But no, there was something about the Ode clade that just happened to click with the Bălan clade, no matter what form or name they took, that just fell directly into friendship. It was the way they spoke, perhaps. Those complete sentences that left em uncoiling parts of emself ey hadn't known were coiled in the first place. +``Feelings are complex, Ioan,'' True Name explained as they sat around a low fire before her tent. ``If they are created by memories, then there is little that I can do to completely control how I might feel about something beyond picking and choosing the memories carefully. However, one can never be sure which memories may lead to which feelings. If they come from something more intrinsic to one's personality and thought patterns, then it is even more difficult to attempt to control them.'' -Ey didn't know what it was that they saw in em in turn. There was the unspoken matter of the pronouns of the owner of the Name, and, as May had once whispered to em late one night, eir tendency to lean on rumination, on quietness and exactitude, that reminded her of someone she refused to name. Were they so alike, em and whoever had touched Michelle Hadje so long ago? Had ey and Michelle been contemporaries phys-side, would they have wound up in a relationship? Ey had no clue how to ask such a thing of them. +Ey nodded. ``That much I can certainly understand. I trust that you'll be built up from your various histories rather than simply May's feelings tacked onto you.'' -All ey knew is that, as Codrin had put it in a letter, ``The Odists love hard and they love deep and they love fast, and it's hard not to become intoxicated beneath all that love.'' +``Yes. I cannot predict how I will feel about anything after this, much less you. Your relationship and existing boundaries will take precedence over whatever happens, though. I will respect that.'' -So, what was ey to do when that of eir partner, of the one ey loved most in the world, shone through in someone else? When that of May rose to prominence in True Name's expression, she was not May. She wasn't May at all. She was of three minds, and none of them were wholly absent whenever one asserted primacy. +Ioan bowed eir thanks. -And yet there it was, all that drew em towards May, even if it wasn't her, right in front of em. What was ey to do with that? +``I have been wondering how your feelings toward Debarre have shifted,'' End Waking said. -That ey didn't know, that ey hadn't the language, kept em from speaking of it with True Name just yet. It wasn't out of any need to hide, not out of any embarrassment—though ey'd freely admit to eir shyness—that ey kept it from her. Ey just didn't know how to say that, when she seemed most like May, ey was at eir most confused without turning it into a series of questions and I-don't-knows. +``It is complex, not least of which because I accepted the whole of your merge so blithely. I will not be doing the same with May Then My Name's.'' -The one time ey'd brought it up with May, the idea still as yet unseasoned, she had done as she ever would, and teased em gently about `falling in love with her' and then settled into a series of gently probing questions, trying to tease out things that ey already knew but did not yet have the words for. +He frowned. -It hadn't gone anywhere. Ey'd eventually had to put the conversation on hold out of a combination of stress and the feeling that ey ought to keep True Name's discussion on her newfound multiplicity in the face of May's desire for some more complete unity to emself. +``I am sorry,'' True Name said, shrugging helplessly. ``There is little that I could have done in the moment to avoid it, and there is certainly nothing that I can do now to fix it.'' -So they did what they could to prepare or relax for the rest of that last day. True Name walked her prairie several times over, then came in and sat close by, then busied herself up in her head. May clung to em. Ey sorted notes. +May dipped her muzzle and apologized as well, saying, ``I do feel bad about how that worked out, no matter how much you tell me it is okay.'' -There was no discussion whether or not she would be staying with them that night. The three of them simply wound up in eir and May's bed, sitting or kneeling on the soft mattress while they did their best to talk about little nothings. Ioan tried to explain Romanian curses to them. May and True Name spoke earnestly about a movie ey'd never heard of. And under it all, an ever-rising current of stress lay, slowly taking over their words until they couldn't speak any longer, could only curl beneath the covers, sharing some more fundamental comfort. +``It is not okay,'' End Waking said, then hastened to add when his cocladist flinched away, ``It is what we have to work with, and it is perhaps what the moment called for.'' -Surprising all three of them, they did manage to get at least some sleep that night. It wasn't \emph{good} sleep, as, at one point or another, each of them woke with a start, but they managed a few hours of dozing. +May nodded, still cowed. -Once the sky began to lighten, though, they pulled themselves blearily out of bed, Ioan making four mugs of coffee—two black, two sweet and milky—so that they could troop back out onto the plain and wake End Waking up—or, as it turned out, greet him at the small fire he'd started—and offer him a cup. +``I am of two minds,'' True Name said. ``I remember having loved Debarre. I remember still loving him, and perhaps even I, even True Name, still love him in some roundabout way. However, I am what I am, and that is a being of two minds. That of me which is you, End Waking, loves him, and that of me which is True Name, respects him from a distance, respects his distaste for me, that feeling I engendered to minimize his impact within the council by making it purely emotional, as uncomfortable as it was to do so.'' -``There is no more rehearsing to be done,'' he said, once they'd shed some of their grogginess. ``We risk practice making permanent, at this point. All we can do is hope to remain as centered as possible throughout.'' +``The same as you did with me and Codrin?'' Ioan asked. ``With the History, I mean.'' -Both of the other skunks nodded, and Ioan had to quell eir instinct to disagree. They were too tired, too keyed up, too quick to overanalyse to get anything out of forking across the prairie to wargame however many countless scenarios. Better for the four of them to sit around the low fire, sip their coffee, and watch the sun rise, May slouched against eir side and True Name and End Waking sitting apart, silent. +She nodded. ``It was-- it felt like a necessity at the time. I am not some cold, unfeeling bitch, it is just that my drive and my abilities, such as they are, outweigh—or at least outweighed—those feelings. I worked to distance myself from them.'' -Eventually, however, coffee long gone, they forked. End Waking and True Name's down-tree instances each went to their tents to sit and meditate as best they could, while May and Ioan's down-tree instances returned home to try baking a cake—something demanding enough while still remaining relatively mindless. +``I remember so little of that,'' May said. -The only words they spoke to each other was May saying, ``Good luck, have fun, and do not die.'' +True Name shrugged. ``As you intentionally moved towards feeling, I worked to contain and compartmentalize it within myself after you came into being. I became a being of negative commandments. I lived the 'shalt not's while you performed your \emph{mitzvot} of loving and caring.'' -The four forks held hands and paws and, with nothing other than a shared, shaky breath, stepped from the sim. +May sighed. -End Waking immediately flinched, crouched. They found themselves in a boardroom. A large plain of a table, notepads and pens, a second table huddling against the wall with a pitcher of water and a stack of too-small glasses. +``I will not say that I am proud of it, my dear, but neither will I say that I regret it. It is what it is specifically because I was what I was.'' -And yet it still felt too small—even to Ioan, who spent more of eir life inside than unbound in a forest, the ceiling was just a few inches too low, the chairs just a few inches too close to the walls. Too small, and yet too long. There was room for a table half again as long, and yet the table was set in one end of the room, leaving the other end unbalanced, empty other than a wheeled whiteboard. End Waking, who hadn't been indoors, never mind in a room too small, in nigh on a century, looked on the verge of panic. His eyes were wide, tail hiked and bristled, paws clenched in a way that reminded em of May. +``Perhaps you will learn from your merge,'' End Waking said. -``I do not know if I can--'' +``Perhaps. Perhaps it will become a part of me, perhaps it will live within me alongside that of you and that of True Name.'' -May squeezed his paw tightly. ``You do not need to keep these memories, skunk, but you cannot leave.'' She added in a near whisper, ``Please do not leave me.'' +``Still feeling fractured?'' Ioan asked. -His nod was jerky, distracted, but still a nod. +``I am of two minds, Ioan. I do not know if I will feel\ldots I do not know. I am not comfortable speaking further on this just yet.'' -And yet, the room was empty. \emph{Perfect time to pull the late-to-the-meeting power move.} +They spent the rest of the night in quiet, May leaning against eir side while True Name and End Waking spoke quietly about the plain and the forest. -Sure enough, 11:00 rolled around, no Jonas. +Finally, though, a week to the day after the decision had been made, Ioan awoke to find May and True Name already sitting at the table, speaking earnestly in a cone of silence. Once they noticed em, True Name waved it away and May grinned, saying, ``Sorry, my dear. We did not want to wake you.'' -It wasn't until nearly ten after that the door swung lazily open and Jonas strolled in, followed by Zacharias and the rest of the eighth stanza—\emph{no, Zacharias is part of that, too,} ey thought. \emph{There's only Odists, Jonas, and me here.} +Ey poured emself a cup of coffee before joining them. ``Appreciate it. Hope I'm not interrupting.'' -``True Name! Delighted to see you, delighted,'' Jonas said, grinning widely and giving the barest hint of a bow. +True Name shook her head. ``We are discussing our plan for the day.'' -The skunk had apparently amped up all that she could of her old self, as her smile was earnest and wide, and her bow the perfect mix of polite and friendly. ``Glad you could make it, my dear. I trust you have been well?'' +Ey bought emself a moment by taking a sip of coffee. ``Is today the day, then?'' -He shifted smoothly to accommodate this response. ``Quite well, quite well. Feels like it's been a bit of a vacation for the both of us, eh? You enjoy a bit of time off at the lake?'' +``May Then My Name thinks so, but we were also waiting for you to join us to make sure.'' -That grin of hers widened, and she nodded. ``Quite a bit, actually. We never quite got to roasting marshmallows, but it is really hard to go wrong with potatoes roasted in the embers. They get a little smoky, even the insides.'' +``Well, if it were solely up to me, I'd just spin my wheels worrying about it until we ran out of time, so I suppose I'm alright with it. What all will go into it?'' -End Waking stared at True Name as though she was an Artemisian, suddenly having made their way across the light-days back to Lagrange. Hell, Ioan was staring at her like she was an alien. So quickly and smoothly had her anxiety been transmuted into this calm, friendly social efficiency that it was as though the last months had been erased from her features. +``Well,'' True Name began, a fork appearing next to her. ``First I fork and she will head to the tent.'' -There was some other conversation going on here, ey realized. It wasn't just that they were talking pleasantries before a meeting, but that there was an exchange of information that took place on some subtler plane of existence. They were feeling each other out, listening to tone of voice more than the content of words, watching features and postures rather than seeing an old friend. There was some deeper level of communication that ey simply couldn't latch onto. +The new instance of True Name bowed. ``Then the perilous path was planted, And a river and a spring On every cliff and tomb,'' she said before waving goodbye and padding back out through her room. -With that in mind, ey could at least do eir best to focus on the less direct forms of language around the room. +Ioan stared after the departing skunk and shook eir head. ``You guys are so weird.'' -True Name had talked em through the stanza and their roles beforehand, at least. She herself had been focused on the politics, of course, but also acted as consensus builder among the members of her stanza. +They both laughed. -Ey knew well that May had been focused on swaying individual hearts and minds toward a cause that initially had been True Name's, and then later simply shaped by her as best as could be managed. +``Then we will set up a space for me to rest in the meantime,'' True Name continued. ``And then I suppose that is all there is to it. May Then My Name will fork and quit and I will process the merge.'' -End Waking had been instrumental in tracking, understanding, and to whatever level possible, influencing financial markets phys-side, though he'd admitted to Ioan, one night out on the plain, that the chances that he'd actually had a dramatic effect on the markets was astoundingly low and that the financial trajectory had likely been set by forces larger than they could manage—at least, that was the hope that had kept him going. +``And your fork is just there in case something goes wrong?'' -Ey knew the two 'Why's from the history: Why Ask Questions, Here At The End Of All Things was the frightfully friendly crowd-rouser who had worked with groups of individuals sys-side, while Why Ask Questions When The Answers Will Not Help had focused on similar tactics phys-side. However, given that her task was limited to text, she seemed notably out of her element in in-person interactions, coming off as petty and cruel as often as funny and sarcastic. +``Or if the result is not acceptable.'' -The Only Time I Dream Is When I Need An Answer had acted as a manager, scheduler, and clerk for the enterprise. Wickedly intelligent, she had done more than block in times for meetings; she had organized meetings between precisely the right individuals at precisely the right times. +``\,`Not acceptable'?'' -To Know One's True Name Is To Know God had settled comfortably into data analysis, collecting both the raw data that she could from the perisystem feeds and the net phys-side as well as the information collected by her cocladists and the Jonases. She was a being of reports. +``If the merge does not go well or if I wind up being unable to work as I would like.'' -To Know God Is To Answer Unasked Questions had done her best to specialize in the fields of information and game theory, but this had more often come down to simple information security and hygiene. She decided where and how far information traveled. +``Or if all of my emotions get overwhelming,'' May added. ``Since I do rather have a surfeit.'' -Do I Know God When I Do Not Remember Myself and Do I Know God When I Do Not Dream worked as a mismatched pair. When I Do Not Remember worked as a propagandist while When I Do Not Dream worked almost entirely on the perisystem, translating back and forth for her cocladists and finding the best way to worm her way through the inter- and intrasystem text channels. +Ioan leaned over and ruffled a hand over the skunk's ears. ``Yeah, you definitely do.'' -Were ey pressed to name each of them without knowing this information, ey didn't think ey'd be able to. Ey knew the three skunks of the stanza and could readily tell them apart, but the rest simply looked like a gaggle of the very same woman: short, soft, round face and curly black hair. However, there were indeed differences there to be seen. Why Ask Questions was just a centimeter or two taller and more open of expression. When I Do Not Remember and When I Do Not Dream both had a hunch to their shoulders that ey could not quite explain; perhaps a posture that stuck after too much writing. +``Yes, yes, and you love me for it.'' She laughed and pushed eir hand away, straightening the mussed up fur. ``Breakfast first, though, and then we can work from there.'' -As it was, ey did eir best to guess, and when introductions made their way around the table, ey found eir guesses to be correct in each case. +After another Scandinavian-style breakfast, the three of them re-organized True Name's room. The bed was set in a corner instead of up against one wall, allowing a collection of pillows to be placed against the walls in case she wanted to lean against them or organize them into a nest. -At last, the parade of bows and greetings out of the way, each of the thirteen—counting em, Jonas, and Zacharias—pulled out a chair and sat down, though ey noted that End Waking didn't sit so much as hover on the very edge of his seat. He still looked wide-eyed, feral. +``Are you sure you don't want to set up something out in the prairie?'' -``Aaalright,'' Jonas said, plopping his hands, palm down, on the table. ``To business. I'm pleased to see you're alive, but can't say that I'm pleased to see you're about.'' +``I did consider it, but May Then My Name talked me out of it, stating that she would like to be at hand without having to spend all of her time out there, herself. Besides, if I learned one thing from End Waking merging down, it was that the less I have to think about my body, the easier it is to focus on my mind. Comfort will only ever help.'' -``I imagine not, no,'' True Name replied, folding her paws on the table before her. ``From what Ioan says, you know the general facts of what I know. There has been a long-running plan, perhaps mostly operating as a back-up, to shift one or more of me to the side depending on the status of the System. This revolved around the use of Zacharias as a tool to shape my responses while incomplete information kept me from recognizing this. Tell me, though. Are you still leaning on the multiple-Systems-multiple-governments strategy?'' +They also supplied her with ready water, juice, and a few comforting snacks on one of the bedside tables so that she wouldn't have to get up just to go to the kitchen. -Jonas nodded. ``Yes. Oligarchy on Pollux, \emph{status quo} on Castor, and invisible monarchy here on Lagrange.'' +Another beanbag was added by the bed, in case she requested that they stay in there for any length of time, and a more comfortable bench-swing was added to the balcony in case she needed to go outside but wasn't feeling up to walking down to the prairie itself. -``You believe that this tripod will be the most stable political structure?'' +It felt like rather a lot of preparations to make just for a merge, but then May had last merged down 83 years before ey had uploaded—nearly 64 before ey'd even been born—and after seeing how intense End Waking's merge had been, none of them felt up to cutting any corners and having to rush comfort after the fact. -``I know you don't agree, but it's not a tripod, True Name. By this point, the three Systems are so far apart that they are no longer three branches of the same government. They're three countries, and three countries with identical governments yet divergent societies are unstable.'' +Finally, though, there was nothing left to do, no further preparations to be made that weren't just stalling, so May took eir hand to hold em still so that ey'd quit pacing. -True Name made that setting-aside gesture, as though tabling the topic for the moment. ``And you,'' she said, nodding to Zacharias. Her expression was calm, curious, interested. ``You have been working on this with Jonas since around systime 36?'' +``I don't even know why I'm fretting so much, I'm not even the one merging.'' -``Oh, thereabouts,'' he said, grinning. ``Though if I am honest, I have always been working with the two of you. It is not that your own goals had no effect on me, my little stink bug. I played Jonas as much as I played you, and I played my own game when I could.'' +True Name smiled faintly and shrugged. ``I am fretting too, do not worry.'' -``Bullshit,'' True Name said calmly, turning back to Jonas. ``And so what is it that--'' +``It is a big event,'' May added. ``It will be an even bigger merge and, while it may be more comfortable than End Waking merging down as she has said, it will be no less complex.'' -``Oh, fuck you,'' Zacharias laughed. ``You do not get to dismiss me so easily. You and I rule together, quite literally, in another life. There is no reason that I should simply be waved away.'' +Ey sighed and nodded, squeezing her paw before tugging eir hand free. ``Right. I'll relax and leave you to the rest of it.'' -``Nah, it's bullshit,'' Jonas said, just as calm as True Name. ``If you were worth anything to this conversation, you would've been part of the preparations.'' +``Please stay, Ioan,'' True Name said quietly. -``What--'' +``Stay?'' -``You say that you are part of the stanza, do you not?'' The Only Time I Dream, the manager of the enterprise, said. +``Yes. Please stay. I do not think it will be dramatic, but, well\ldots{}'' She hesitated and frowned. ``You are a grounding person. Is that not what my counterpart on Castor said about Codrin? I appreciate your presence.'' -``I am, but--'' +Ey considered any number of responses ey could give before just nodding. If nothing else, ey didn't want to hold either of the skunks up from what would most certainly affect both of them more than it would em. -``I see no evidence of such.'' +May forked and the new instance climbed up onto the bed with True Name, the two skunks kneeling, facing each other, amid all the blankets and pillows. -``But May Then My Name--'' +\AddToHookNext{shipout/after}{\includepdf[pages={1},noautoscale=true,fitpaper=true]{assets/merge}} -``May Then My Name, do you claim Zacharias as yours?'' +Both Ioan and True Name watched as the down-tree instance of May scrubbed her paws over her face vigorously for a moment, gave a shaky wave, and then quit. True Name winced and screwed her eyes shut, and the May who had knelt with her on the bed reached out and took the skunk's paws in her own. -She shrugged. ``Claim? No.~I do not know this Zacharias.'' +``Go ahead.'' -``That is--'' +It was still another ten seconds or so before True Name managed to relax enough to permit the merge to progress, and even then the only visual indication was a slow slump of her shoulders and a relaxing of the muscles of her face. -Jonas laughed, ``Just shut up, Zacharias.'' +Ioan stuffed eir hands in eir pockets and did eir best to feel rooted to where ey stood, hoping against hope that ey could keep from pacing. May watched True Name carefully, eyes searching her features for what ey could not tell. She seemed almost frozen, breathing shallowly despite the relaxed set of her features. -``No,'' the fox growled, his whiskers all abristle and claws digging at the tabletop. ``I played my role, but that does not mean that I am some disposable Judas here. A role is as much the actor as it is-- \emph{stop!}'' +And ey stood and watched them both. -There was a loud thump beneath the table, though this time, Zacharias appeared to have pulled his foot away in time to keep his toes from being stomped on. Instead, he pushed himself away from the table and to his feet. A brief flicker of ungrounded rage flashed across Jonas's face, but was quickly replaced by that bright, friendly grin. +The three of them stayed like that for nearly five minutes—two skunks kneeling on the bed while ey watched from beside it—before True Name moved again. -``Fine, fuck you too, then.'' +``Oh\ldots oh, I cannot\ldots{}'' she whispered, and started to sag over to one side. -There was no signal—or if there was, Ioan missed it—for Guōweī to step into the sim, hand already raised as if for a slap, a short blade held between his fingers. Unassuming, easy to carry, symbolic, and certainly crowded with whatever virus it was that induced a crash in one's instance. +May shushed her quietly and helped her to lay out on her side before settling down with her. They curled together, still facing each other, nearly snout to snout and still holding paws. -What happened next happened almost too quickly for em to comprehend. Zacharias shouted, but the cry was cut off in a muffled \emph{oomf} as an instance of May appeared near him, almost totally overlapping the space that he'd occupied. The collision algos knocked him backwards with enough force to slam him against the door, leaving him to crumple to the floor. +Ey stood and watched. Then ey sat on the beanbag and watched. Watched and waited, though ey wasn't sure what for. -Guōweī's palm came down flat against May's shoulder, but there was no time to see whether or not the virus would affect an instance so far diverged, as that instance of her quit and was immediately replaced with another one, this overlapping the assassin's space, knocking him back nearly a meter, only for the skunk to fork again to repeat the maneuver. With the momentum already in play, this sent the man flying, his head cracking against the wall hard enough to leave a sizeable dent in the drywall. +It was more than an hour before May forked beside em, took eir hand, and led em from the room. Neither of the skunks on the bed had moved or made a sound other than May asking True Name if she was okay at one point and the other skunk shaking her head. -And then it was over. Zacharias's yell faltered, and he stared up, wide eyed, with his gaze darting between Jonas and the remaining instance of May. Jonas had lurched away, looking more disgusted than startled. +Once the door was shut behind them, May let out a shaky sigh and padded over to the kitchen. ``That was very hard.'' -``Get the fuck out of here,'' the instance of May growled. ``And if I ever, \emph{ever} see you again, you had better believe that I will take you out myself.'' +``Why, do you think?'' ey asked. -And then the instance quit, followed less than a second later by the fox rolling to the side to slip out of the sim. Ey imagined that if Jonas, True Name, and May would all do their best to destroy the fox on sight, the chances of seeing him again were low indeed. +She took a moment to pour herself a glass of water before replying. ``I want to be here with you, and I also want to be in there with her, and I also want to go back in time and tell her I do not want to merge, and I also want to go back in time and merge instead of End Waking, and\ldots a-and\ldots{}'' -Ey'd never seen a look like that on May's face, though, even at the height of her hatred for True Name. That had been hatred, yes, but this was rage. +``Come here, May.'' -``What just happened?'' ey whispered to May, who gave eir hand a squeeze in her paw and shook her head. +She clutched the water to her chest with both paws, stumbling blindly around the kitchen counter so that ey could guide her to the beanbag. -``Are we done fucking around, yet?'' True Name asked, voice flat. ``Because I just want to know what it is that you want of me so that I can get back to my life.'' +She sat down and let Ioan rub her back. Only once she could manage a sip or two of water, she said, voice hoarse, ``Did I fuck up, Ioan?'' -``Your \emph{life?}'' Jonas asked, incredulous. ``You want to get back to your life?'' +Ey was still teasing apart the day—or perhaps the last month—but all the same, ey did eir best to respond to what ey suspected lay beneath the surface of the question. ``Do you think she resents you for not just letting her be True Name?'' -``Life, yes,'' she said. ``Alive. Living. I want to get back to breathing and eating and drinking and sleeping. Do not take my words too far.'' +May whined and set the water glass aside, shifting on the beanbag until she could rest her head on eir thigh. ``I worry that the real reason she wanted to do this was because there is no going back to who she was. One of those `fuck it, burn it all down' situations.'' -He laughed, shooting his cuffs. ``Well, if \emph{that's} all you want, then we could have done without all this fuss, couldn't we?'' +``There could be some of that, but is that so bad?'' -``This fuss is necessary, remember,'' When I Do Not Remember, the propagandist, said, to which Jonas sighed. +``I do not know,'' she mumbled. -``All you need to do is just\ldots go away. Just disappear. Just be gone, True Name. Curl up around your little Name thing and stay there.'' +``Can you imagine her being okay staying as True Name and being all cooped up for the rest of eternity?'' -May's expression had settled back to calm, but ey could feel the tension in her paw increase, and beyond her, ey could see End Waking bare his teeth. The Odists on Jonas's side of the table flinched. None of them looked pleased. Even Why Ask Questions, jovial as she usually was, seemed to be gritting her teeth. +She snorted. ``God, no. I think she would lose it.'' -\emph{Wait, does} he \emph{know?} ey wondered. If ever there was a way to keep a group of Odists in check, that might just be it. +``Same, yeah. She'd probably try to pull a Dear or something.'' -Only True Name, of all of them, remained calm. Serious, yes, but calm. ``What does disappearing and being gone look like to you, Jonas?'' she asked. ``Do you\ldots what? Want me to hide away in a locked-down sim forever?'' +``And hate every minute of it. You heard her, she likes who she was and all that she did. I cannot imagine her letting that go.'' -``I wouldn't say no,'' he shot back. +Ey nodded and combed eir fingers through the fur on the nape of her neck. ``So she'll be left with a complex view of that—or, well, a couple of them, I guess—maybe enough for her to change how she moves through the world. Think it'll be enough for Jonas?'' -``No.'' - -``I thought not.'' - -``So,'' she said with exaggerated patience. ``What does me disappearing look like to you?'' - -``You just can't be around. You can't be you anymore. You can't be walking around and having people point and say, ``Hey, it's that piece of shit skunk!'' You need to just disappear, because anything else is just going to destabilize your precious System. Imagine! True Name, who didn't die, wants to bring back political parties! I'm prepared for that, but I don't think you are.'' - -``We are of one mind on that.'' - -Jonas snorted. ``Fuck if I believe you on \emph{that.}'' - -Ioan watched with increasing intensity. The actual words of the conversation aside, True Name's calmness seemed to be overwhelming Jonas's restraint. He seemed to be having a hard time holding back snark, all that sarcasm that made for good entertainment, perhaps, but was increasingly unbecoming for what ey thought of as a politician. - -Here was the Ode clade slowly diverging past reconciliation, here ey was mumbling all the more as the skunks had pointed out, and now Jonas Prime, for all his stability seemed to be having a hard time maintaining his own brand of control. - -Eir frown deepened. Perhaps this was more than just a political dispute. - -She shook her head, but whether at his words or his audacity, ey couldn't tell. ``Alright, disappear. You want me to stop being a figure and start being a person. You want me to be other than I am.'' - -``Yep,'' he said, grin tight and false. - -``I have already begun,'' she said, and with a brief pause, ey saw her face and shoulders relax, a sudden shift towards an expression ey knew intimately from eir partner falling across her features. She continued in a voice softer than what it had been. Lilting, less space between the syllables. ``Because I already am May Then My Name Die With Me--'' Another pause, another shift, one more towards stony and stoic, voice suddenly dry and simple, almost weary. ``--and I am already Do I Know God After The End Waking.'' Finally, she fell back into that first register. ``And some part of me remains True Name, and yet I am none of these. I could not go back to that which I was even if I wished to. Tell me what it is that you want. Lay your terms on the table plainly, and we will come to an agreement.'' - -Jonas raised his eyebrows at the shifts in expression and voice. The frowns around the table on the faces of the other Odists only deepened. - -``How can I even begin to trust you on that? You merged your two cronies, so what? You going to go cuddle-camping with Zacharias or something? You're still you.'' - -Both May and End Waking bristled at this, but neither spoke. - -``I am not what I was, Jonas. That which was True Name does not simply sit next to that of my cocladists. They are impossibly entangled. I am not what I was.'' - -``I can tell, sure, but you know that's not enough, True Name.'' - -``You have not offered your terms. We cannot come to agreement without.'' - -His voice was intent, serious in a way ey hadn't seen before. ``I am saying that you need to disappear. There is no stable future for the System if you show up in anything close to the same form as you were, and you know that. You were almost assassinated, and doubtless more than you three--'' He nodded at May, End Waking, and Ioan. ``--know. You show up as you are, and everything crumbles, or at the very least, starts to shift in unstable ways. Plan A was you gone, but plan B relies on you understanding that there's no recovery from a failed plan A that involves you.'' - -``Why did you not just ask me?'' - -``Would you have stepped down?'' he asked with a sneer. - -She frowned. ``Doubtless you had other cards to play that did not involve Guōweī, some other leverage that did not involve death. You could not convince me, but all this high drama is over the top for you.'' - -``I was bored. It sounded fun. You were right there. Why not?'' - -``You were bored,'' she said coolly. ``You were bored, so you decided to hire someone to kill me.'' - -Ioan watched Jonas's smile fall back into that uncaring cruelty, increasingly ungrounded. - -He waved his hand imperiously. ``And I'm getting bored now. I'm surprised you're still hung up on this, True Name. You're the theatre geek--'' - -``Jonas,'' When I Do Not Remember murmured, her voice a low warning. He only grinned. - -True Name sighed. ``Right. So now you\ldots what, want me to look different? Sound different? I am ready to commit to staying out of the business. You want me to act the part or something? Your terms.'' - -``You need to go away, True Name. I don't fucking care \emph{how.} You make it happen or I will.'' - -There was a moment's thoughtful silence from the skunk, her paws gripping the edge of the table, before she stood, pushed her chair back in, and turned away. Then in the most stunning display of forking ey'd ever seen, True Name began to change. - -Ioan had seen eir share of Dear's exhibitions, not to mention those of other instance artists the fox had introduced em to along the way, and the forking involved in all of them had been perfect. They were well rehearsed dances of duplication that told a story. - -However, they were, whether by association with Dear or by the art itself, fanciful. The duplication was supposed to evoke a sense of magic, of wonder—or the closely related terror. - -In eir own work in theatre, both as an actor and as a playwright, ey'd found use for forking within a story that had remained more grounded, more tied to day to day life, and those performances had seen a success of their own through May and A Finger Pointing's guidance. - -The Odists as a whole were more familiar and comfortable with forking than anyone ey'd ever met, even among the most dispersionista of dispersionista clades. Both May and Dear navigated that aspect of their lives with a grace ey could only dream of. Even the explosions of foxes or skunks during times of excitement were skillfully done. - -This, though, went beyond that. - -As they watched, True Name began to change. She worked with a singular sense of purpose that left no doubt as to what she was doing. An instance flickered into being before herself and watched with a critical eye as skunk after skunk blinked into existence. Each one bore some slight change from their immediate down-tree instance. Sometimes an array of skunks would wind up in a line before that observing instance, which would nod at one or the other in approval to leave the others to quit. And when a change was accepted, the down-tree instance would quit. - -This smooth modification of form was in and of itself impressive for how naturally she began to change—not only did the instance watching have to keep track of what change was happening and what would come next, but so did those doing the actual changing; they all had to be on the same page—but what left em truly impressed was the speed. She began her work with about one fork per second, but before long the changes ramped up to two a second. Three. Nearly four changes per second of forks flickering into and out of existence, all while the orchestrating instance watched, her eyes flicking this way and that across them. - -And then, it was over. - -The result was a skunk slightly shorter than True Name had stood, though still a few centimeters taller than May. She was heavier, as well, with a curve to the hips and belly that was familiar to em from eir partner, but unlike May, this softness was more\ldots well, natural wasn't quite the right term, but where May's weight seemed to be designed to add a sense of both harmlessness and comfort to her form, this new form of True Name simply looked like a pudgy thirty-something who had settled into a comfortable weight long ago and never bothered to change. - -Her face had shifted as well, becoming plainer in ways ey couldn't quite explain. Where True Name had always had some aspect of larger-than-life about her, she now just looked\ldots normal. Still a furry, still living in that form that was more comfortable to her than humanity, but normal. - -Most striking, though, was the pattern of fur. While much of it was covered now, ey'd seen the way it had shifted during the process. Gone were the two parallel stripes, the ones ey had grown to love on May, replaced with a set of white splotches in the black of her fur. The white atop her head remained, disconnected from the patch between her eyes and two others high on her temples. The pattern was eye-catching: the patches seemed to travel in a few uneven lines down over her back and sides, one of them showing a hint of a whorl, another a slight zigzag, and others that were almost round spots. This pattern seemed to be mirrored along her spine, leading to a pleasant symmetry. A quick query of the perisystem infrastructure told em that there was indeed a spotted variety of skunk, described much as ey had seen: spotted fur, shorter tail, a shorter snout that fit somewhere between that of a skunk and that of a weasel like Debarre. - -Gone were the stripes. Gone, also, were the slacks and blouse, traded in for a linen tunic and a pair of loose-fitting Thai fisherman pants. - -When ey was finally able to tear eir eyes away, ey saw that every Odist in the room had picked up expressions that verged from taken aback to startled and angry. May, for her part, looked startled at the display, yes, but also excited and ready. It was the same look she got before performances. - -``May, what--'' - -``One moment, my dear,'' she said, then turned to face this new True Name with a grin. ``Will there be a change of name?'' - -There was a vanishingly faint hint of rehearsal to the words, well masked to anyone who didn't know her as intimately as ey did. Ey realized this must be their plan. Hers and True Name's and End Waking's, the one they'd been working on for days. - -``There\ldots there has to be,'' When I Do Not Remember said, gaze still locked on True Name, and a brief tense from May confirmed that the trap had been sprung. - -While he lacked the context for whatever had surprised her cocladists, even Jonas sounded impressed by the display. ``I won't let you leave as True Name. Stability, remember? That name means too much here.'' - -The other seven members of True Name's stanza nodded as one, and Unasked Questions said, ``You cannot be us. You cannot be who you were.'' - -The skunk bowed. ``You may call me Sasha.'' - -Ioan didn't know what ey expected from the room, but pandemonium wasn't it. May was clapping her paws delightedly and End Waking was grinning and shaking his head. Both bore the traces of rehearsal. - -Jonas simply burst out laughing, and ey couldn't miss the bitterness in it. - -All of the rest of the Odists, however, were shouting. None of them looked pleased. - -``Not Sasha of the Ode clade, just Sasha,'' she said calmly but loud enough to be heard. ``I will not relinquish the form, just as I will not relinquish the past, but if you want me out this badly, so be it. I rescind my membership in the clade.'' - -``As do I,'' End Waking said, getting a smile from Sasha. - -``\emph{That} name is unacceptable!'' When I Do Not Dream hollered. ``No.~You will pick something else.'' - -``No, I will not.'' - -``Shut the fuck up, When I Do Not Dream,'' Jonas shouted. ``All of you, shut the fuck up.'' He turned to Sasha and grinned icily, eyes now burning overbright. ``You always were a little snot. You want to be Sasha? You want to dive back into mediocrity and wear your weakness like a badge? Please, by all means, be my guest. Beg for pity again. Hunt down all your little friends who kept you feeling just bad enough that they could baby you without letting you think you were their plaything.'' - -At this, most of the stanza bridled, and there were a few louder murmurings. - -Jonas waved it away. ``Crawl back to Debarre and\ldots fuck, what was his name? user11824? Crawl into their arms and let them prop you up long after you should've died.'' - -Murmurings grew to angry mutterings. - -Jonas only laughed, and that bitterness was all the more evident. ``Go. Be Sasha. Live your silly little life. And you,'' he said through clenched teeth, jabbing a finger toward Ioan. ``Write your little story. That's what you're here for, isn't it? Write your little romance and fuck your little girlfriends and put on your little plays.'' - -May rolled her eyes. - -``Get out. All of you.'' - -The rest of the stanza left, quit, or were swept—the sim didn't seem to render them any different. Ioan guessed swept, given that Guōweī's unconscious form also disappeared. - -All through Jonas's tirade, Sasha wore a half smile. It wasn't rehearsed, wasn't self-satisfied. She simply looked present. She looked confident in herself in some more earnest way than she had in years, as though she had changed beyond just her appearance. When it was clear that he was finished, she bowed politely. - -``See you around?'' - -``Fuck off.'' - -She laughed and reached out to take Ioan's hand in her paw, then they stepped back home, followed closely by May holding End Waking's paw. - -Once back on the plain, End Waking groaned and fell to his knees, paws digging into the soil around the tussocks of grass, then quit. May and Ioan followed suit. - -When their down-tree instances returned to the field from inside—May bearing a (rather lopsided) cake—they were just in time to see True Name bow to Sasha and quit. It was the last change, ey supposed, the true relinquishing of her name. - -There was a long moment of silence on the plain, then Ioan let out a ragged, pent-up breath, eir shoulders sagging. ``Can someone tell me what the fuck just happened?'' - -``Sasha did the one thing she could have done to piss Jonas off most,'' May said, grinning. ``He went in thinking he'd take everything from her and left with no wind in his sails. Well done, my dear.'' - -Sasha beamed and bowed with a flourish. - -``And you knew this?'' ey asked. - -She nodded. ``To an extent. We had discussed several options, but many of the changes were new. I saw her unwind all of the changes from the last centuries--'' - -``All the way back to Praiseworthy's suggestions before Secession,'' the other skunk said proudly. - -``--and other than the spotted skunk thing, she looks just like\ldots well, Sasha. Nice touch, by the way.'' - -``I do not think I could have gotten away with staying the same skunk, even if I look similar enough while clothed. But yes, I am back to the me of\ldots shit, when did I make Sasha like this? 2110?'' - -Ioan shook eir head, dizzy. ``This is what you looked like before uploading?'' - -``What my—\emph{our}—av looked like, yes, all except the change to a spotted skunk. They always felt too flashy, back then, and I just wanted to look like myself offline except a furry. Completely unremarkable and a species no one likes.'' - -``The outfit was my suggestion,'' End Waking said. ``It always was our favorite, but for some reason, we never brought it with us to the System, and I knew the rest of the stanza would pick up on that quite easily.'' - -Sasha nodded. - -``I am proud of you, Sasha,'' he continued. ``I do not yet know why I feel compelled to say that, but I am proud of you. You have much to make up for, your own penance yet to serve, but that you have done this at all is a good step forward.'' - -Ioan sighed and sat down heavily in the grass. ``You're all completely nuts.'' - -The three skunks laughed. - -``Why didn't you tell me?'' - -``For your story,'' Sasha said. ``You had to go in there with an untainted view in order to write a more earnest story at the end.'' - -``So,'' ey said, organizing eir thoughts out loud. ``May and End Waking--'' - -``E.W.'' the skunk corrected. ``I am E.W. of no clade.'' - -The other two skunks perked up and grinned wide. - -Ioan blinked, hesitated, then continued. ``May and\ldots E.W. merged down and you\ldots I guess feel more like you used to? Back phys-side, I mean. Enough to head back to who you were before the clade began, I mean. Is that even possible?'' - -``It is not a statement of reality, dear. I cannot reintegrate those aspects of myself that are not up-tree from me, and even if I could, there are those who no longer exist or who have left Lagrange,'' she said, that slight smile growing. ``It is a statement of hope, perhaps, or a desire for completion. It is an understanding of the ways in which I fall short expressed in my very name. Will this sense of a truer life last? Perhaps. It will certainly not always feel good, and will at some point cease feeling new, but I plan on owning it for as long as I am able.'' - -``And how is it that this pisses off Jonas?'' Ey snorted. ``He certainly sounded pissed.'' - -Sasha knelt across from Ioan, followed shortly by E.W. and May to either side of em, May summoning up plates and cutting thick slices of cake. It was strange to see so many smiles, still strange to see May so happy around her down-tree instance and stranger still to see E.W. even in the same sim. - -``What Jonas was expecting was for me to remain True Name in everything except form and name,'' she said. ``He was expecting someone deeply cowed by his political genius—and do not underestimate him, he \emph{is} still a genius. He felt that he had won his spot as rightful leader of Lagrange, if such a thing can even be said to exist. He thought that he had beaten me down and left me either unable to continue or unwilling to try.'' - -May added, ``I suspect that he is starting to crack.'' - -Ioan nodded. - -``Perhaps,'' Sasha said. ``He has not seemed fully grounded in many years, but again, do not underestimate him.'' - -Ioan jumped at a brief sensorium ping, a request to enter, followed shortly by Debarre popping into existence behind May, who had apparently admitted him. ``What was so urgent that you pulled me away from lunch and\ldots{}'' he trailed off, squinting at this new skunk. ``Who\ldots but you're\ldots what?'' - -Sasha stiffened where she knelt. ``Debarre,'' she said, bowing her head. ``A pleasure to see you.'' - -The weasel said nothing, looking stunned. - -``This is-- was Tr--'' - -``Sasha. I am Sasha. I was her as well,'' she said, voice gentle but insistent enough to stop Ioan from continuing. - -He stepped back a half pace, crouching as though to flee on foot. ``Sasha\ldots? What the fuck?'' - -Ioan, still feeling eir head spinning from so much happening so quickly, tried to pin down eir open question in eir mind while still watching the exchange intently. - -``I am not what I was, Debarre. I am not True Name. I am not May or E.W.'' She hesitated, then continued, ``I am not even the Sasha you remember, but I am, I think, closer to being her than any of the Ode clade is currently.'' - -``Bullshit,'' he growled. ``If there's even a little bit of True Name in you, you can't be her. If you're even the slightest bit her I'm fucking out of here.'' - -``Wait, my love,'' E.W. said. ``Please stay.'' - -Debarre hesitated. - -``If I am still here, do you not think that I agree with her? At least to a large enough extent to trust her?'' - -The weasel straightened up and, when May gestured to the spot beside E.W., he slowly lowered himself to a crouch as though still ready to bolt. ``I'll listen, but this had better be good.'' - -Sasha bowed, sitting quietly and fiddling anxiously with the hem of her tunic while May caught him up on the events of the past few months, letting the other three of them interject with corrections and confirmations. Throughout, Debarre waited, and while he didn't relax fully, by the end of the discussion, he was at least sitting all the way down. - -``So now you're Sasha,'' he said slowly. - -``A new Sasha. Related, but not the same Sasha you and I remember.'' - -``I'll buy that at least,'' he muttered. ``You still make me really fucking nervous.'' - -She smiled faintly. ``Do not worry, my dear. I make myself nervous.'' - -At the affectionate \emph{my dear}, the weasel jolted back. - -``My apologies,'' Sasha said quickly. ``I was not thinking. If you would like me not to use that phrase, I will do my best not to. I just have enough\ldots well, I am different enough now that it comes automatically.'' - -``You have enough of E.W. in you, you mean.'' - -She nodded. - -``I\ldots well, yeah. Not from you.'' He hesitated, eyes averted, and added, ``Please.'' - -``Of course. - -``So tell me how this gets you anything.'' - -Ioan sat up straight once more, unpinning eir question. ``You were saying that Jonas thought he'd beaten you.'' - -``Right, yes. He thought that he had left me so broken that I might fade away or even quit of my own accord. Instead, I became the one thing he could not control.'' - -``How, though?'' ey asked. - -``Because of the \emph{History}. The System knows about me. It knows about the Council of Eight and about Sasha and Michelle Hadje. It also knows about True Name, though, and to see that True Name has stepped down and become one of the few sympathetic figures in that same story once again means that he cannot touch me. He cannot risk reinforcing being seen as a villain--'' - -``Or more of one,'' May muttered. - -``--by coming after me. Not only that, but with the expectation that the Sasha who was on the Council was in the right when seen in contrast to True Name, I will be seen as a balancing force rather than a co-conspirator. Him working against that risks being seen as either unbalancing an effective system or a return to a two-party system that no one wants.'' - -``It is not a win, \emph{per se},'' E.W. added. ``She has not beaten Jonas, but she has entered into a stalemate with him.'' - -``Can't he still come after you, though? It's not like the whole System knows.'' - -``That is why he was so upset at you, as well, my dear,'' May said. ``You will write your book and your play, and he will just have to brace himself as best he can.'' - -``But I haven't yet, though.'' - -``Of course, but if he had decided to take Sasha out anyway, you would still be left to write about \emph{that}. Your name is already trusted enough on the System that if you were to write something after her assassination, it would still have gone poorly for him. If he had taken you out as well—something I doubt he was prepared to do anyway—he would be in even deeper shit.'' - -Ey shook eir head. Ey was feeling very far behind but needed to understand if ey was to write this book. More, ey needed to understand for emself. ``So why not become Michelle?'' - -``Because look at me,'' Sasha said, laughing and spreading her arms. ``I am a furry. A \emph{skunk} furry, no less. There is benefit to being something that is just a little silly, just as there always has been. Even after all these years, it is difficult to take someone pretending to be a small furry animal seriously, so that disarms me in the eyes of the observer.'' - -``So he will just leave you alone?'' - -``He will have to if he wishes to remain in his position. He answers to his desire for power, I answer only to my desire for stability and continuity. In that I remain earnest in my conviction,'' she said by way of answer. ``Even that of me which is E.W. and May. E.W. cannot love his forest if politics overwhelm his existence. May cannot hold onto her devotion. These things I know.'' - -May nodded slowly. ``You are not wrong. I would not have used such words, but you are not wrong.'' - -``That of me which remains True Name has settled down,'' she continued. ``And she still holds to the idea that politics is a means to an end. She is good at it. She enjoys it. She is willing and able to utilize it.'' - -``So,'' Debarre said. ``When did you realize this might even work?'' - -``It was a chance I took. One that might have failed, yes, but a good chance. It was all those times he talked about how you and Michelle were not fit to lead. Jonas had a view of me that was as inaccurate as it was easy to use against him. I have my political acumen and you have your own small group.'' - -Ioan watched Debarre stiffen, making note of his response. It didn't feel like the type of thing to include in the story, but it did make rather a lot of the weasel's words and actions make more sense. - -``You're nuts,'' Debarre said, rubbing his paws over his face to cover that response. ``You're all fucking nuts.'' - -Ioan gestured wildly toward the weasel. ``Confirmation! Fucking nuts!'' - -The three skunks laughed while ey and Debarre leaned across the circle to shake hands. +The skunk rolled until her face was nearly pressed against eir belly to let em pet. ``I do not know,'' she mumbled. ``I do not think even she knows.'' diff --git a/mitzvot/content/036.tex b/mitzvot/content/036.tex index 05b2ad6..28039f5 100644 --- a/mitzvot/content/036.tex +++ b/mitzvot/content/036.tex @@ -1,489 +1,407 @@ \begin{center}\rule{0.5\linewidth}{0.5pt}\end{center} -The stream of Odists who came to visit Sasha in the days and weeks after the excursion to Jonas's was surprising. They seem to have accepted her change in identity far easier than expected. There were no instances of deadnaming (unless they were specifically talking about her past as True Name, as requested), no fights, no arguments. +Sleep was the first obstacle they ran into. -Not everyone was happy, to be sure. Many of the discussions from those who stopped by were quite serious and, even though many took place in cones of silence, Ioan could easily guess that there was much in the way of airing of grievances. As far as ey could tell, though, it was done with an eye towards catharsis and reconciliation. +While True Name had, at one point, sat up long enough to drink half a glass of water, she had yet to leave the bed, and with her still down for the count, the instance of May that had remained was unwilling to leave her side, even for dinner, which she declined. -Serene, for instance, came over the day after the whole kerfuffle, surprising the three of them well into the evening. They'd settled for a middle ground of dinner out on the extended balcony—close enough to the house for them to cook a proper dinner without leaving Sasha feeling cooped up inside—when the ping against their sensoria caused the three to jolt as one. +``You don't think sleeping with her will be enough to keep you comfortable through the night?'' -``That will be Serene!'' May said excitedly, setting her half-finished plate down and hopping to her feet. ``I opened the ACLs to a few, hope you do not mind.'' +She rolled her eyes and poked em in the stomach with a dull claw. ``It is not just that I do not want to sleep alone. I want to sleep with you.'' -``Opened-- wait, when?'' Ioan asked, setting eir own plate down. ``And to how many?'' +Ioan blinked, laughed, and rubbed at the back of eir neck. ``Right, sorry, I guess I've been stuck on logistics mode for a bit.'' -But the skunk was already gone, bounding inside to greet the fox with a hug and excited chattering. +``Is this not emotional?'' -Ioan and Sasha followed more sedately, both waiting until May had gotten her greeting out of the way before bowing to Serene. +``It is! I'm just\ldots overwhelmed or something.'' -``Ioan, a pleasure! It has been too long,'' she said, grinning widely. The grin faded, and she nodded to the spotted skunk. ``And Sasha.'' +May nodded and looped her arms up around eir shoulders. ``That much I understand, my dear.'' -``Serene, thank you for stopping by. I was not expecting to see you so soon.'' +``Would it make sense if I added a cot or something in there? I could at least sleep nearby.'' -``I do not imagine so. May Then My Name has been conspiring behind the scenes, so this was all worked out ahead of time.'' +She perked up and tilted her head. ``One moment. Or\ldots well, come with me.'' -``Oh? How cheeky,'' Sasha said, laughing. ``Were you really that confident that everything would work out, dear?'' +May led em to True Name's room where the skunk was slouched over on the bed, head resting in the other instance of May's lap, the two of them tucked into the nest of pillows in the corner. -May shook her head. ``Reasonably confident, but I want Arrowhead Lake back no matter what, so I arranged for us a little meeting.'' +``Let me reduce--'' The May who had stayed with Ioan quit, leaving the other instance of her to quickly incorporate the merge and continue, ``--conflicts. True Name, are you able to speak?'' -``Skunks, I swear.'' Ioan shook eir head. ``Well, welcome all the same. We've got pasta, if you'd like.'' +The answer was a long time coming. ``Some,'' she croaked. -Once she'd heaped a plate high with food, Serene followed them out onto the balcony to join them for the rest of their meal. She wrinkled her nose at the sight of the plain. ``I suppose this was the best one could do on short notice, yes?'' +May nodded. ``I am not going to leave, but it is getting close to bedtime. I am also not comfortable not being near Ioan. May ey sleep in here with us?'' -``It wasn't too much, and it fit the need, yeah.'' +True Name slowly rolled her head to the side enough to squint at Ioan through one eye. Her cheek-fur was a mess of tear tracks. ``Ioan?'' -``It has served its purpose,'' Sasha said. ``And it is not so bad close up. A little too flat, perhaps, but the river is nice.'' +``I can make a cot by the bed,'' ey said, then laughed. ``Or just another, smaller bed, I guess. No need to make one of those uncomfortable things.'' -Serene nodded and finished a mouthful of food before setting her fork down again. ``I have at least come bearing a gift.'' +She slowly pushed herself up to a sitting position, though she remained half-slouched against May. ``Can you\ldots make the bed bigger?'' -``Did you find your student?'' +``Well, I mean\ldots{}'' ey shrugged helplessly, looking to May. -``Yes. He was still about, though he has\ldots changed much in the intervening years. He was not as pleased to see me as I might have liked.'' +The skunk tilted her head back against the wall, looking up to the ceiling thoughtfully. ``I do not see why not, I suppose,'' she said, sounding distant. -Sasha dipped her snout. ``I am assuming that he has picked up on the sentiment surrounding the clade.'' +``Worried?'' True Name mumbled. -Serene nodded. ``He read the \emph{History} and came to the same conclusion that the rest of the System did. Our name is not mud, but, my dear, relationships changed after that knowledge became public.'' +Ioan shifted eir weight uncomfortably from one foot to the other. ``I just, uh,'' ey stammered. ``I don't want to make things weird. I can't even imagine all you're going through.'' -``I understand.'' +True Name laughed hoarsely. ``It is not a comfortable\ldots time for us, no.'' She sighed, sat up further, and rubbed at her face. ``Preference\ldots make bed larger and join\ldots second choice, other bed.'' -``I do not want to hear you say that you are sorry, Sasha. I do not think that is how this works as you are now, not for me. I do not want to hear your justifications and explanations; I can understand them as well as anyone. I just want to hear your acknowledgement.'' +Ey nodded. ``I can make the bed bigger. Should I make a second set of covers?'' -After setting her plate and fork down on the low table again, Sasha folded her paws in her lap, sat for a moment in silence, then said, ``For as much as I tried to do—for as much as Jonas and I both tried to do—I do not think we had nearly the effect on the world around us we thought we did, not on the grand scale. We played our games of politics and influence, but it was a game of relationships from start to finish, you are correct. True Name changed relationships. May Then My Name changed relationships. E.W. played his part. I do not know if it was for the better or the worse, but I do acknowledge that it made a good many of them far more difficult.'' +She swallowed several times in a row, a sign of tears to come ey well knew from May. ``Can I ask\ldots can you two\ldots{}'' -``Well, okay. Perhaps one apology.'' +May got her arms around the skunk and shushed her gently. ``We will work it out.'' -``I am sorry, Serene; Sustained And Sustaining.'' +Ioan hesitated a moment longer before willing the bed to expand another half meter in width. A second set of covers and pillows spooled themselves out onto it as well, just in case. -There was another moment of silence, then Serene's wild grin returned. ``Well, that felt good. Praiseworthy did all that shit, too, so, fuck it. Let me finish my food and I will fuck your sim up but good.'' +Ey paced back and forth a few times, shook eir head, then waved a hand again to bring a set of pajamas into being on the bed. Sleeping in eir usual dress of a pair of boxers didn't seem quite appropriate at the moment. -Ioan blinked, looking between skunk and fennec. ``Wait, that simple?'' +May blinked down at the clothes, giggled quietly, and shook her head. \emph{``You are such a nerd,''} she subvocalized through a sensorium message so as not to disturb True Name. \emph{``It is a good idea, but you are a total nerd.''} -``Of course, my dear,'' Serene said around a mouthful of pasta. ``I already told you of my thoughts on the matter. I have done my processing.'' +Ey shrugged helplessly, gathered up the loose lounge pants and shirt to go change. -``And now you cannot simply say something about skunks being brats,'' May chimed in. ``Though I am pretty sure we all knew that foxes were, too.'' +\emph{``I have no clue how tired I even am,''} ey sent once ey returned. \emph{``Or if I'll even be able to sleep here.''} -Serene made a rude gesture, still grinning. +\emph{``If you need to sneak off to sleep in our bed, you can.''} -Once they'd finished dinner, Serene stood, stretched, and then leaned against the balcony railing staring out over the plain. Her expression was calm, pleasant, though focused on something ey couldn't see. ``Ioan, I will need ACLs over at least the exterior, including your yard, though I will do my best to keep it intact.'' +\emph{``I'm} also \emph{unwilling to sleep without you, so\ldots``} -Ey nodded, focused, and made the grant. +Her expression softened. She tilted her muzzle down to whisper something to True Name, and when she received a nod in response, she signed \emph{okay} and patted the bed to invite em up. -``Thank you. Now, you may stay out here and watch, but I warn you that it can be a bit dizzy-making.'' +Ey nodded and climbed onto the (now much larger) bed so ey could settle down beside May in the nook of pillows. Getting eir arm around her, ey let her rest her head on eir shoulder. It was a little awkward with True Name still slouched against her side, but it worked well enough. -Ey exchanged glances with the two skunks and shrugged. ``I think we're all eager to see.'' +\emph{``I'm surprised she's so\ldots physical,''} ey sent. -``Suit yourself. It was your dinner. Thank you, by the way.'' +\emph{``She was not, at first, but I suspect she is working her way from past to present. She slowly got closer and closer as she learned how I did the same.''} -There was no further announcement. Nor, even, any change in Serene. She still looked out over the railing with a dreamy, far away look on her face even as the world dropped out beneath them. +It made sense, at least. Whenever ey'd dealt with a longer merge—eir longest had been around thirteen months, and a particularly boring project at that—it always felt like the memories were interleaving themselves in with the ones ey already had, histories slowly zippering themselves into consensus. Conflicts, then, were the snags one encountered along the way, and one would have to dump energy into either reconciling or discarding memories. It was a very consuming task, and that True Name had been able to speak at all was far more than ey could have done. -The plain rippled and flexed, arching up high to the sky as though stretching after a long nap. Trees pried their way from the soil. Rocks broke free from the land. The river—the one immediately before them, at least—collapsed into itself to form a wide lake. The rest of the distant echoed versions of the plain where not occupied by the immediate mountains crinkled into some more complex geometry, the remainder of the range echoed outside the valley. +\emph{``Think it's overriding the bits of her and End Waking that aren't keen on touch?''} ey asked. -It \emph{was} a little vertigo-inducing, too. The worst of it wasn't due to the sudden change in the shape of the landscape, but in just how, well\ldots serene it all was. The river shaping itself into the lake was not accompanied by some grand splashing of waves, but simply the remaking of the water. There were no falling rocks or grand earthquakes, just the reshaping of the world. The light shifted. Gravity swayed, settled. All of it was silent, anechoic. +\emph{``Must be.''} -And then it was done. +\emph{``How are you doing with it?''} -``H-holy fuck,'' ey managed, clutching at the railing of the balcony. Both May and Sasha stood defiantly against the change, though neither looked as casual as the fox. +She sighed, at which True Name squinted up to her, then over to Ioan, offering a weak smile before settling back into processing. -``I have set your house up the hill a ways from the default entry point to the old sim. That it was already on stilts proved quite useful. The angle of the sun may be a bit different, but not so much as to be a problem,'' she said, gesturing them down the steps from Sasha's side of the balcony. They landed on a flagstone pad set into the bed of pine needles, a small trail winding its way down the slope toward the water. She gestured toward the small ridge that rose next to them. ``I had to modify the terrain a little bit to keep your yard level. You should be okay, but if you run into erosion problems, do let me know. I have been told of your affinity for weather, Ioan.'' +\emph{``I do not know, my dear. It has activated all of my care instincts, so I am happy to make her comfortable in all of the ways I know how. It helps, then, that those are all of the ways she knows now, too, or at least is learning. If I focus on that, I feel very positive. It is only when I get distracted and ruminating that I begin to spiral. It is more comfortable for me to focus on caring for someone now than it is to think about boundaries or Zacharias or Jonas.''} -Sure enough, the fence remained level, wrapping around a small rectangle of hidden grass and dandelions, the tops of lilac bushes overflowing. +Ey kissed between May's ears, murmuring, ``You're a good person, May.'' -The path teed with the long familiar deer trail that wound around the lake, and, out of habit, they all started down towards the rock. +The skunk lifted her snout to tuck it up under eir chin. -``Fauna?'' Serene asked. +``You two\ldots are disgusting,'' True Name mumbled. ``Keep it up.'' -``Please.'' Sasha smiled sheepishly. ``I would not like a repeat of that particular mistake.'' +May laughed and tightened her grip around her briefly. ``Hush, you. We will work on going to bed soon. I hope that you can get some sleep.'' -Grinning and nodding, Serene kept up her steady pace, humming a little under her breath. There was no change that ey could see, though ey imagined her counting deer, rabbits, squirrels, and birds into existence. +She only shrugged. -For eir part, ey simply walked, hand in paw with May, and marveled. Ey'd discovered the lake decades ago, had spent countless days out here on walks, and at least one night camping. Still, it felt somehow new. Ey was rediscovering this place that ey'd not seen in months—though ey'd spent longer stints away from it in the past—and marveling at the detail all over again. A glance back over eir shoulder showed eir flat-roofed house peeking shyly from amid the trees, but other than that, it was, ey assumed, the same as it had been. +``Well, either way, I will let you keep the corner nest and be right here. Ioan can take the outside.'' -After so long away and after so much stress it felt all the more real. +``Keeping em\ldots away?'' -They sat on the rock near the end of the lake and enjoyed the last of the sun. It was a little tight for four, but May tucked quite nicely up against eir side and Sasha, having slipped more into an E.W. mindset, had settled off to the side. She looked antsy, and ey suspected she'd request time to hike soon enough. +May frowned. ``I am keeping myself close to you.'' -``How is the rest of the clade taking this?'' she asked. ``I sent a clade-wide message, but have not received responses.'' +``I kid. I have not\ldots even gotten there, yet,'' True Name said, slowly pushing herself up once more and frowning at just how far away the glass of water was. Ioan leaned forward to grab it for her. She drank carefully. ``But if it\ldots also keeps awkwardness down\ldots that is good, too.'' -Serene looked up from where she was investigating a few pine needles plucked from a branch on the way over with a discriminating eye. ``I think that reactions will be largely positive even if they are not universally so. Several of my stanza have been been talking, and many feel as I do. It is fine, I am sure, and I have processed what I needed to and gotten what I wanted.'' +Ioan accepted the glass from her once she finished, re-filling it from the pitcher they'd brought in and setting it on the windowsill near the nook so that she could get to it herself. ``We can talk about that later. For now, I think it'll work alright.'' -``Of course. I have been abandoned by the rest of my stanza, but at this point, the larger part of me does not want to have anything to do with them, anyway. I do not imagine Loss For Images and her ilk will take it well. I do hope that A Finger Pointing and I will have a chance to speak soon, as I am now enough May that I would enjoy attending a play or two.'' +True Name nodded and settled down into her nest of pillows. -``\,`May'?'' Serene said, tiling her head and looking to the other skunk. ``Have you forgiven her, then?'' +May and Ioan stayed up a little longer, chatting through sensorium messages to let True Name process in peace. Cognizant of her mention that she felt better when not thinking about boundaries, ey kept the topics light, asking about favorite things and letting her rant about plays from her past that she'd hated. -May nodded. ``Forgiven is maybe not the best word. I have internalized the way things are and accepted the way things were. I am pleased to know Sasha and who she has become.'' +Nearly an hour later, just as May started to nod off, True Name yelped and sat up, scrambling back against the wall away from them. ``You know!'' she shouted. ``Codrin knows!'' -The other skunk smiled faintly, nodded. ``Though for all Ioan talked about trying to fix things, I place the largest part of who I have become on you, dear.'' +It took only a moment for understanding to click into place. Both ey and May sat up to give her a bit more space. -``I wasn't going to say anything,'' Ioan said, grinning. +``Hush, my dear,'' May said, voice soothing. ``It is okay. Remember Dear's letter.'' -May elbowed em in the side. ``Hush, you.'' +``I\ldots I cannot-- It is too much!'' -``I will not laugh at you two too much, then.'' Serene laughed anyway, though not unkindly. ``What are your plans moving forward? I trust that you are essentially locked out of what you were working on as True Name.'' +Ioan held still, hands flat on eir thighs. The urge to wipe the sweat from eir palms was pressing against em, but ey wanted to at least appear calm, even if ey didn't feel such. -``Yes, and while there is a part of me that remains disappointed about this outcome, there is little to be done about it but move forward.'' Sasha brought her tail around to her lap to brush it out. It was shorter than a striped skunk's tail, it seemed, and less thickly furred. ``I will take a vacation, first. I will sleep a normal amount. I will eat good food. I will wear myself out on the hunt and take what comfort I can while I remain here. I will rest, and then I will write.'' +May began to crawl towards True Name, then stopped when her cocladist shied away from her. ``Codrin has not spoken it aloud, not even with True Name\#Castor. I confirmed with Dear: ey only said \emph{that} ey heard it, and that is all that ey told Ioan.'' -``Write? Really?'' +She snatched a pillow from the pile and clutched it to her chest, wide-eyed. ``Why?'' -``Yes. I must be careful not to be seen as overtly influencing lest I bring on Jonas's ire, but I would like to share the story of the last few centuries from my point of view. I do not know who will be interested except perhaps our two clades, but I will write.'' +``Ey couldn't be the only one,'' Ioan said quietly. ``We don't do as well under pressure as you, we don't\ldots well\ldots{}'' -``Well, if it's anything like the \emph{History},'' Ioan said, ``it'll wind up wildly popular and then fade into part of the mythos of the System.'' +``Keep secrets?'' she growled. -May grinned. ``And all will be as it should.'' +May held up her paws disarmingly. ``They keep secrets very well. They just do not keep many.'' -``Of course. I will not complain. So long as I am better able to understand who I have become and fill my time with something fulfilling, then I will be happy.'' +She glanced sharply at May, then said to Ioan, ``Ey did not tell you the Name? No one else knows?'' -``\emph{Will} you be happy?'' Serene asked. +``No.~The message was individual-eyes-only. I haven't even shown May.'' After a moment's thought, ey added, ``But I can unlock it for you, if you want. It's in an exo I haven't looked at since.'' -There was a long silence as Sasha finished brushing out her tail and spent a few minutes simply staring across the lake, perhaps mapping the opposite shore and marking spots for future exploration. +``Sweep the whole sim,'' she snapped. -Finally, she said, ``I think that I will be. I am of three minds and will ever be such. I will have moments of happiness, moments of sadness and terror and regret, but they will ever be in thirds.'' +Ey nodded, swept the sim of everyone but the three of them, and instructed the perisystem architecture to print out the \emph{0 individuals swept} receipt onto a slip of foolscap, which ey handed over. -``Are you okay with that?'' +``Move back, May Then My Name,'' she instructed, quieter this time. When May obliged, the skunk crawled closer to em and set up a cone of silence with secure visual ACLs. She was panting and shaking, though ey was pleased to see that at least the anger that had swelled briefly had subsided once more into something more manageable. Ey didn't think any of them were up for a shouting match. Once she'd knelt beside em, she whispered, ``Show me.'' -Sasha stood and stretched, finally turning her gaze back to them. ``Himself has but to will And easy as a Star Look down upon Captivity And laugh.'' +Ey drew the sheet out of the air, holding it up for True Name to see the fully redacted text, then unlocked it for her eyes only and handed it over. -With no further explanation, she bowed and edged around them on her way down off the rock. She moved quietly and efficiently, and it was a matter of moments before they lost sight of her in the trees. +She read it through top to bottom a few times, set it down and kneaded her paws against her face, then picked it up to read it once more. -They sat and shared quiet stories of the past through the remainder of the evening. +Finally, shoulders sagging, she handed it back. ``Re-secure it and destroy it, please.'' + +Ey did so and held up eir hands. ``I'm sorry, True--'' + +She patted eir arm with a shaking paw. ``Please do not apologize.'' After dropping the cone of silence, she continued, ``I should have\ldots I should have learned from\ldots I am sorry.'' + +May held out a paw once more, and this time True Name took it, letting herself be guided back to the nest of pillows, where she slumped down once more, expression glassy. ``Could themself have peeped — And seen my Brain — go round —'' she mumbled. + +``Rest, my dear. It is okay,'' May said quietly. ``Do you want company?'' + +``Too much\ldots but I\ldots{}'' After a shuddering breath, she shook her head. ``I will\ldots be fine. We will speak later.'' + +May nodded and crawled back over to Ioan, nudging em to lay down so that she could tuck in against eir front. She remained tense, and when ey sent a gentle sensorium ping, she sniffled and shook her head. + +Tiredness eventually won them over, though, and, despite the room being mirrored from what ey was used to, the bed was the same, comfortable one ey'd slept in for the last century, the house held the same sense of `home' as ever. May curled against eir front as she always did, and while it was strange seeing True Name just beyond her, it was still where ey belonged. + +The last thing ey remembered before falling asleep was watching the way True Name had curled to face May, the two skunks holding each others' paws once more, and thinking to emself, \emph{This isn't how I pictured things winding up if I had somehow been able to fix things between them, but it could certainly be worse.} \begin{center}\rule{0.5\linewidth}{0.5pt}\end{center} -The next Odists to visit were A Finger Pointing and Slow Hours, once more arriving as a pair and hugging Sasha in turn. They set up a cone of silence and spoke together for a scant twenty minutes before dropping it again and inviting Ioan and May to join. They pulled the beanbag a little closer to the couch and settled down on it together to listen. +Waking brought confusion. Something about the inversion from their normal bed, of having fallen asleep on eir other side than ey usually did, induced a sense of vertigo at first. The pajamas were also bunched up around em strangely, adding a subtle sense of constriction. As sleep slowly seeped away, though, the feeling lessened and ey was able to relax in the warmth beneath the covers. -``It is easy to say that all is full of love,'' Slow Hours began, smiling to Sasha. ``But now, I think, you have a sense of your own.'' +Warmer than expected, perhaps. May was still in eir arms, as usual, but the position felt off with the addition of a second warm bulk. -The skunk smiled and bowed her head. +Ey tried to puzzle it out through the fog of doziness that still surrounded em. Eventually, ey gave up and levered eir eyes open, blinking a few times to bring the world into focus. -``Life will be easier for a while, and then it will be harder. You will share your loves, first with another and then with solitude, and with each you long for the other until you return.'' Her expression slipped into a lopsided grin. ``Does not matter one fucking bit, though, so I would not worry.'' +At some point in the night, True Name had apparently rolled over and wound up curled in May's arms, much as she was curled in eirs, and with with eir arm resting atop May's, ey was left hugging two skunks. -``Mere breath?'' Sasha asked, grinning. +Ey lay there for a while, groggily trying to piece together eir thoughts on the situation. As far as ey could remember in eir still sleep-addled state, ey'd never been this close to True Name before. There had been the occasional casual touch, a few touches out of necessity—grabbing her hand to get away from Guōweī, lifting her after End Waking's merge—but even going back to when ey'd first met her, there'd been very little touch. It made sense, given her personality, and yet here she was, all cuddled up with the two of them. If nothing else, ey should probably decide whether or not to extricate eir arm from the situation to ease that awkwardness. -``A chasing after the wind, yes.'' +Ah well, ey was probably worrying too much about this, just laying there and ruminating. -``And you will come to a performance,'' A Finger Pointing added. ``I am no oracle, but if you do not come, I will hunt you down myself. It has been too long, my dear.'' +\emph{``You almost certainly are, Mx. Bălan,''} came the barest whisper of a sensorium message. \emph{``Especially if you are mumbling.''} -She laughed. ``Of course. So many threats to hunt me down, these days. But yes, thank you.'' +Ey jolted at the words impinging on eir senses, getting a sleepy grumble out of May. -``And if you do not watch me perform my monologue, I will trim your claws too short in your sleep,'' May said. ``There is a monologue night coming up soon.'' +\emph{``Sorry,''} ey replied to True Name. -``Far worse than being hunted down, that. I will be there.'' +There was a note of amusement, of almost-laughter, as she sent, \emph{``It is okay, dear. What are you worried about? You only mumbled the last bit.''} -May preened. +Eir mind raced as ey tried to figure out how best to explain what ey'd been cycling over. -After that, they fell into comfortable conversation. Sasha joined Ioan and May on the beanbag to get some pets—the talk having apparently nudged the affectionate part of her to the fore—while Slow Hours spoke in fewer 'will's and 'shall's and settled down into the normal conversational mode of the rest of the Odists. They spoke of performances past, going all the way back to before the founding of the System, back to their time in high school. The four Odists performed a small segment of the Dickinson play they always seemed to quote from, a first for any of the Bălans in the nearly fifty years their clades had been entangled. +\emph{``I rolled over sometime in the night—I do not know when, I was memory-sick—and have been staying still to keep from waking you two. Would you like me to move?''} -Ey didn't understand, but ey didn't need to. +\emph{``No\ldots{}''} ey replied hesitantly. \emph{``But you guessed right. I hope this isn't weird or anything. If you need to--''} -\begin{center}\rule{0.5\linewidth}{0.5pt}\end{center} +\emph{``Ioan, I asked after your preferences,''} she chided. \emph{``I am okay, I promise.''} -It was nearly a month before Debarre, Douglas, and Sasha agreed to meet. Debarre's side of the negotiations remained stiff and distant, the weasel initially refusing to see Sasha after that first meeting. Douglas seemed to have set aside any sense of caution, speaking with palpable excitement. As soon as he'd learned of the change of name back to something more closely associated with his distant relative, he'd hardly spoken of anything else. +Ey hid the heat rising to eir cheeks by burying eir face in May's fur. \emph{``Right, sorry. You're okay there. I'm just being awkward.''} -Eventually, though, meeting was set up for dinner on the dandelion-dotted field, a small potluck picnic late in the evening so that the skunks wouldn't overheat in the sun. +Ey felt True Name relax. \emph{``We both are. It is comforting and awkward in equal measure. One third of me is very happy to be held, one third would really rather not be touched, and one third is simply confused. I am of three minds.''} -Everyone arrived simultaneously by Debarre's request so that no one was left waiting for anyone else. Ioan, May, and Sasha stepped into the sim just in time to see Debarre and E.W. arriving. The six of them stood in a circle in front of Douglas's stoop, dandelions and evening bumblers tickling at their ankles. +\emph{``Have you finished merging, then?''} -Or, at least they stood in a circle for a moment. Sasha almost immediately stumbled back from the group, turning in two slow, wavering circles before falling to her knees. +There was a subtle rustle of fur against pillow as the skunk shook her head. \emph{``I have the memories in place, but there are many conflicts yet to process. It is easier to put those on hold, at least, so that I can make fun of you for mumbling for a little bit.''} -``Sasha?'' Ioan said, startled. +Ey smirked. \emph{``Har har. All the same, I'm glad you made it through to this far, at least.''} -``Too much,'' she mumbled shakily. ``Too much at once.'' +\emph{``Thank you, Ioan. As am I.''} -May padded over to kneel next to her. ``May I hug?'' +They fell back into silence then. Ioan spent a while marveling at the mix of coziness and strangeness. It \emph{was} comfortable, there with the two skunks. May was in eir arms as she should be, and True Name, similar as she was, fit well enough in the mix. The strangeness, then, came from the knowledge that she was specifically True Name. This was so counter to what ey knew of her from the years prior, especially the version of her that she'd become over the past few weeks since End Waking's merge. -After a moment of strained silence, Sasha slumped against May's side, and the two sat together while she let out that overwhelming emotion within a cone of silence. +Ey could already tell that she'd changed, though, even beyond the fact that she'd wound up as close as this. Her speech patterns were shifting once again, losing some of their formality, finding their way back to ground from the high-minded patterns she'd picked up from her other cocladist, and yet they weren't totally those of May, either. They didn't sound the same, just more alike than they had before. -Ioan, Debarre, E.W., and Douglas took the time to set up the picnic, a rickety table bearing plates of various salads, roasted vegetables, and the makings for venison sandwiches, courtesy of E.W.. They moved in silence, hesitantly, each pausing every now and then to watch as Sasha slowly worked to calm herself. +She was tripled, now. She was True Name and she was End Waking and she was May. Whether or not she would become something new or remain thus ey didn't think even she knew. The adjustment would certainly take time for everyone. Ey liked End Waking quite a bit as a friend, but that friendship was different than that of eirs with True Name. Ey was friends with May, but in that way that partners were still friends beneath the romance of a big-R Relationship, and there was certainly no comparison to be made between the other small-r relationships. If she was of three minds, so was ey. -``That was not the greeting that I had intended,'' she said, once she had cleaned up in Douglas's house and joined them at the table to pick up a plate. ``I was hoping that I would be able to greet you all politely, settle into some easier conversation, but that of True Name has not been here in too long. This place is too charged with memories, as are your faces. Even for that of E.W. and May, there is too much bound up in the last few months.'' +\emph{``Unrelated to comfort or awkwardness, I am going to get up to make coffee,''} she sent, nudging em out of rumination once more. \emph{``I did not sleep, and if I do not have coffee soon, I shall surely die.''} -``Are you feeling better now?'' Douglas asked. +May grumbled again when True Name rolled away from her, gathering the remainder of the covers and a stray pillow up to replace the space that had been left by her cocladist's absence. Ey couldn't tell if the skunk was actually awake or not, but she settled down once more, if nothing else. -She nodded. ``I am leaning on the other portions of myself now. I will have much processing to do yet, but tonight is for dinner with friends, or at least with those I hope will be friends.'' +True Name sat up and scrubbed at her face with her paws, wiping the grit of sleep—or perhaps tears—from her eyes. She grinned down to em. \emph{``My assessment remains. You two are so cute that it is disgusting.''} -``I certainly hope we can be friends.'' Douglas laughed. ``I mean, those are the first words we've ever really spoken to each other, but I'm happy to have the chance to meet you.'' +Stifling a laugh, ey rolled eir eyes. \emph{``Blame May.''} -``Or at least meet a third of me.'' +\emph{``Way ahead of you, dear,''} she sent as she crawled out of bed. \emph{``I will make coffee and then I will need some alone time on the plain. I will ensure there is enough for all.''} -``Well, yes, but you're still a new person to me and very\ldots uh,'' he trailed off, frowning down to his plate. ``Well, very close to someone I've thought a lot about, I guess.'' +There was a quiet clattering from the kitchen, mugs being shifted about and the coffee pot being set in place, doubtless another instance of her making enough noise to let them know what she was up to. -She smiled and leaned over to pat his shoulder. ``We will talk, dear. That part of me has heard so much about you and is so colored by what the other parts of me know, that I am eager to learn, as well.'' +It was enough to wake May the rest of the way, the skunk stretching out against eir front and yawning wide before she shifted about to face em. ``Pillows,'' she mumbled, peeking down at the bundle she still held in her arms. ``Oh, did I\ldots?'' -Debarre remained stiff and awkward, even as they settled down on the blanket to eat, plates piled high with various dishes and cups of sangria set carefully in the grass behind them. He wouldn't make eye contact with Sasha and seemed hesitant to speak even to Ioan and May. +Ioan nodded, placing a kiss atop her head. ``She said she rolled over against you, yeah.'' -Eventually, he cleared his throat, set his plate down, and stared steadily at Sasha. ``I think you owe me an apology. At least from the, uh\ldots what did you call it? The True Name part of you?'' +``Sorry, Ioan.'' -As she had done with Serene, Sasha set her plate down as well, folded her paws in her lap, and bowed to the weasel. Ioan could tell by the set of her features and the straightness of her shoulders that she was indeed doing her best to keep that part of her at the fore. ``I am sorry, Debarre. The things that I did were for what I thought was best, but they wound up hurting a good many people. They were not fair to you and I apologize for the pain I caused. While I do not think I even \emph{could} anymore, I will all the same endeavor not to act in such single-minded ways again.'' +``It's fine by me, I slept through most of it,'' ey said, chuckling. ``She and I talked about it a bit before you woke up. She's confused about it, but seemed like she needed it.'' -Ioan couldn't read Debarre's expression well enough to gauge his thoughts on the matter, but judging by the way he loosened up and joined in more of the conversations after that, speaking even with Sasha, he seemed to at least have accepted the words to an extent. +``She is learning my wicked ways,'' she mumbled against eir front. ``I am happy to hear that it was helpful and that you are okay with it, though.'' -Debarre and E.W. stayed for a few hours after dinner, long enough to see the first stars show themselves above the field, before they stepped back to the skunk's sim. +``Mmhm. How about you?'' -Shortly after, Sasha stood, the other three following suit. She hugged Ioan and May around the shoulders and gave each of them a touch of the nose to the cheek. ``If you two do not mind, I would like to go for a walk with Douglas and speak with him alone.'' +May yawned again before poking her nose up against eir chin. ``I do not know. I slept through it, too, apparently. It fits with what I said earlier, though. I am pleased to care for those around me.'' -They nodded and returned the hugs and kisses, getting hugs from Douglas as well before they stepped back home. +``She also called us disgusting again.'' -``Do you think Douglas still puts too much stock in who you used to be?'' Ioan asked once they were home and comfortable. +``That is because we are. Is that her making coffee?'' -May was a while in answering. ``Perhaps, yes. We are not Michelle, have not been for centuries. None of us are Sasha—least of all Sasha.'' +Ey nodded, nudging her snout with eir chin. -Ioan nodded, brushing out the skunk's tail with a fine-toothed comb as ey'd been commanded. ``He really relaxed after uploading, at least. Just a few little spikes in interest when certain things came up.'' +``Good girl.'' -``As hyperfixations go, it is a relatively innocuous one,'' she said, yawning. ``But I am at least pleased to see that he is both engaging with other things and finding fulfillment in this aspect of his life when he can.'' +A few minutes later, True Name returned, carrying three mugs of coffee. Ioan and May pushed themselves up to sitting so that they could accept. -``Besides, it's not like you guys don't hyperfixate on things.'' +``I am sorry I shouted last night. I think I understand Dear's letter better now.'' -``Mmhm,'' she mumbled sleepily. ``But all the same, we have been slowly drifting away from what we used to be over the years, and in the face of all that we have seen, that is not such a bad thing.'' +May nodded. -``How do you feel about her apology?'' +``I was wondering if you didn't know about\ldots all that before last night, honestly,'' Ioan said. -``How do you mean?'' +``I have been fed bad and incomplete information for years now. I had not suspected just to what extent. I am still frightened, if I am honest, but I will trust you two on this. It is complicated and bound up in emotions I do not understand, but I will trust you.'' She shook her head. ``But I cannot speak of it any more right now.'' -Ey shrugged. ``It felt\ldots I don't know, a little rehearsed, maybe.'' +``Heading outside?'' ey asked. -May curled in against eir side, yawning once more. ``Perhaps. She said what Debarre needed to hear, I think, and it was no less earnest for that. As much as he means to us, that is no bad thing, either.'' +She nodded. ``Yes. I will need an hour or so of nothing but the morning and the grass.'' -\begin{center}\rule{0.5\linewidth}{0.5pt}\end{center} +``Of course.'' -Ioan wasn't sure why ey kept feeling surprised at the number of loose threads from just one event that needed tying. The business with Qoheleth had been about as complicated, and had required meeting with several other Odists in order to finish the story, and each one came with a different tenor. +May nodded. ``Take the space you need.'' -The same was true here, as well. Many members of the clade—some of whom ey'd not yet met—visited and requested time with Sasha or with the three of them. Still, ey realized, this culmination came after two and a quarter centuries for some, so perhaps it made sense. +True Name leaned over enough to dot her nose against the skunk's cheek. ``Thank you, dear. If you cook breakfast, I will refrain from telling Ioan embarrassing stories.'' -Not all of these interactions went smoothly. +``Asshole.'' She laughed. ``Where did this humor come from?'' -Barely a month after that dinner with Debarre and Douglas on the field, two of the most dramatic happened within the span of a week. +``Your guess is as good as mine, at this point.'' -May stumbled in the middle of a Wednesday morning rehearsal, falling to her knees, panting, before pushing herself to her feet. She managed to make it through the rest of the scene before forking off so that she could continue as best she could while her root instance ducked back home. +``She seems to be doing well,'' ey said, once she'd made her way outside and down the stairs to the prairie. -Once there, she darted over towards where Ioan sat at eir desk, working through the process of writing Jonas's book. She knelt beside em, clutched a pawful of eir shirt and set up a cone of silence. Ey felt the ACL-scape of the cone shift several times until it was just about as secure as could be made. +``It helps that I did not drop a merge onto her unexpectedly. She had more to process, but more preparation to do so.'' -``May? What--'' +``She said she's done getting the memories in order but working on conflicts now.'' -``Zacharias! He has been pinging me once every few seconds for the last minute!'' She was on the verge of hyperventilation, eyes wide and tail bristled. ``I do not know what-- \emph{fuck!}'' +May nodded. ``About a third of the way done, then.'' -Ioan slid from eir chair as the skunk started to slump over to the side. Ey helped her to her feet and over to the beanbag. ``May, what's happening?'' +``It's really gratifying to see it going so much more smoothly this time.'' -``He keeps\ldots quitting and\ldots sending high-priority merges\ldots{}'' she gasped. ``The cone will not\ldots stop those\ldots{}'' +``Agreed, yes,'' she said between sips. ``I was not expecting her to turn into a cuddlebug, but I suppose that will level out before long. Was that awkward, this morning?'' -``You okay for a few seconds?'' +Ey shrugged. ``A little, I guess. Just hard making it work in my head. Doesn't fit with what I remember of her.'' -Slumped over on the beanbag, the skunk nodded. +``I cannot picture you getting cozy with \emph{just} True Name, no. I can barely picture her getting cozy with anyone, and that is certainly not even bringing End Waking's general touch-aversion into the equation.'' -Ey stepped from the cone, where May had clearly blocked sensorium messages from the fox, so that ey could holler into a message, ``What the fuck do you want?'' +``I'd assume she got cozy with Zacharias, if they were together.'' -``Ioan! I need to\ldots can I--'' +May's expression soured. ``We will need to talk about him soon, but I cannot talk about him now.'' -``No.~No coming over.'' +``Of course.'' -``A neutral place?'' +She made a setting aside gesture, stepping back to the previous topic. ``Did that feel like crossing a boundary?'' -``Do you need May there?'' +``Not particularly, no. It just felt like me being awkward, more than anything.'' -``Yes!'' +``That is good, then.'' She finished her coffee and waved the mug away. ``I do not know how to feel about it, myself, because I do not know what she will be like when she has finished incorporating the merge. She is not yet settled enough, so I will forgive much that I might not otherwise.'' -Ey sighed. ``I'll ask. No guarantees.'' +``It's not like she was hitting on me or anything,'' ey said, laughing. -``No, I\ldots no,'' the skunk mumbled once ey stepped back into the cone. She'd managed to sit up and while the panicked look on her face had calmed, the beginnings of rage had taken its place. ``He cannot come here.'' +She smirked. ``Are you sure?'' -``Maybe Douglas's to keep him from being too much? If Sasha's reaction was anything to go by, it might quell him, or at least keep him distracted.'' +Ey reached over to tug on one of her ears gently. ``Yes, I'm sure. I'm dense, but not \emph{that} dense.'' -The skunk sat, silent, for a moment, holding onto one of eir hands tightly. ``Will Douglas be around to sweep if needed?'' +The skunk tilted her head at the tug, laughing. ``Has your opinion of her as a friend changed?'' -Ey nodded. +Ioan tilted eir head. ``How do you mean?'' -``Now?'' +``I do not imagine that you felt the same about her when she was just True Name as you do now about who she has become. Or is becoming, at least.'' -``Yeah, I think so. I'm not sure I trust that he'll leave you alone if we put him off.'' +``Well, no,'' ey hazarded. ``But I don't know just how, yet.'' + +``Me either.'' + +They reconvened over a simple breakfast of scrambled eggs and potatoes with toast. + +``I instructed my fork to quit,'' True Name said by way of opening the conversation. + +``Feeling positive about the merge, then?'' ey asked. + +``Yes. Having worked through some conflicts, it will not be easy, but I am comfortable with the direction in which it is going.'' She took a bite of toast piled high with egg and potato, chewing thoughtfully. ``It is not all positive, but it has given me hope for a pleasant life moving forward.'' + +``Was your life unpleasant before?'' When May frowned at em, ey held up eir hands. ``Sorry, maybe that's impertinent. It's not important.'' + +True Name shook her head. ``It is okay. It was, yes. It was fulfilling. I felt hopeful and comfortable with the path I had chosen. The work itself was starting to grate on me, but that had less to do with the work than the coworker. Pleasantness was never a focus for me, however.'' + +May, having subsided, finished her bite of toast before\pagebreak\ asking, ``Did you have hope for happiness with just End Waking's merge?'' + +``No.~Not at all.'' She reached out a paw to give one of May's a squeeze, adding quickly, ``Again, I understand—now more than ever—why you did what you did, and I do approve of it in light of what is happening with Jonas, but it was an uncomfortable duality in comparison to this more comfortable plurality and I may yet settle into a new singularity. I do not know.'' + +May smiled gratefully, returning that squeeze. + +``Meeting up with my fork hammered that point home pretty well. She looked\ldots well, I will not elaborate on the differences I saw. Seeing myself through her eyes, I can tell that she was pleased as well.'' + +``I am very happy to hear that,'' May said. ``Not least of which because you seem to be building a new self rather than simply a raw combination of us.'' + +True Name nodded, finished her plate before setting it aside. ``Thank you for breakfast, May Then My Name. Your secrets are safe for another day-- ow!'' + +``Your high station does not preclude you from being kicked, my dear,'' May said sweetly. ``You deserved that.'' + +The skunk preened. + +Ioan watched the exchange, grinning. Beyond just what she'd said, ey could read relief in May's features. That resentment towards her down-tree instance had never quite gone away, ey knew, and, on some level, it likely never would. Still, that True Name was, as the skunks had said, rebuilding herself into a new person seemed to have brought out a new sense of friendliness within eir partner that had been lacking to that point. + +Ey wondered if she would go through a reevaluation of who True Name had been before, much as ey had. It was certainly enough that she felt more positive, but ey—em and Codrin\#Castor, perhaps—seemed to have dropped much of that resentment that had lingered in May and so many others, though whether that was due to a difference in temperament or the relatively short time they'd known the skunk in comparison, ey couldn't tell. + +``Is it just me, or is eir mumbling getting worse?'' True Name stage-whispered to May. + +She whispered back, ``Perhaps the centuries are catching up to em. Is this how the Bălans crack? Should we warn Dear?'' + +``Are all skunks such pests?'' Ey smirked. + +They laughed. + +``I mumble more when I'm stressed, that's all.'' + +``Are you stressed now, my dear?'' May asked. + +``It's a stressful time overall, even if this particular morning is pleasant enough.'' + +``It feels rather like the morning after a sleepover, yes,'' True Name said. + +May nodded eagerly. + +``I've never had one of those, so I'll have to take your word for it. Do those always come with cuddling up in the morning?'' + +Both skunks splayed their ears and dipped their snouts. + +``It depends on the sleepover,'' May said, adding to True Name, ``Are you feeling well enough to discuss boundaries now?'' + +She hesitated. ``We can begin the conversation, though I will need to address further conflicts before long.'' + +``To be clear,'' Ioan said. ``I'm okay with it, it was just unexpected.'' + +True Name gave a hint of a bow. ``One thing that came up in our discussions leading up to the merge is that the one with the greater restrictions in a relationship defines the boundaries. Right now, I suspect that may be one of you two. I am the outsider, here. I have never had to have a conversation such as this.'' + +``My comment about you building up a new self has gone a long way towards soothing any fears,'' May said. ``I think I was worried you might incorporate my memories of the last few decades wholesale and wind up feeling exactly the way that I do about Ioan.'' + +True Name shook her head. ``I have taken to heart your requests and declined the personal memories you suggested. There are many conflicts,'' she said, speaking more slowly. ``Perhaps due to your feelings about me as I was, so I am not sure how I feel yet, but\ldots well, may I speak earnestly?'' + +May and Ioan both nodded. + +``On that point, I remember enough to know why it is that you love Ioan. I can see what it is that you see in em. It is as if\ldots{}'' She trailed off, ears pinned flat. ``This is so fucking embarrassing. I am sorry. Uh\ldots it is as though there is a world in which I could do the same, but I do not know how to get from here to there. Again, I am sorry, May Then My Name.'' + +There was a long silence around the table while Ioan and May digested this. True Name spent it resting her head in her paws and staring down at her plate. + +It was May who broke the silence, saying simply, ``May.'' + +True Name sniffled and lifted her head. ``Sorry?'' + +``Stop calling me May Then My Name.'' ``I--'' -They were interrupted by a rapidly crescendoing thudding sound followed by the scrabble of claws on the glass of the sliding door, Sasha finally finding purchase and whipping it open. May dropped the cone of silence. +``Do not make it weird, True Name,'' May said, laughing. She held out a paw toward the skunk ``Just fucking call me May already.'' -``What the fuck is happening?!'' Sasha shouted. +``Right. May,'' True Name said, gingerly resting her paw in her up-tree instance's. -``You too, then?'' +``I do not know how you get from this world to that one, either, should that even be something you want, but,'' she said, taking a deep breath, ``so long as you come by that path earnestly and we discuss it in the moment, it is your path to take. Do you have any thoughts, Ioan?'' -Sasha frowned, straightened up, and brushed out her tunic. ``Yes. He just about knocked me out with the amount of adrenaline he sent my way. You look ready to go, though. Do you have a plan?'' +Ey held up eir hands. ``Don't look at me. I don't have a clue.'' -``We're going to meet him at Douglas's field. That's about the start and end of it, though.'' Ioan took a deep breath and tried to tamp down the urge to pace. ``Do you want to come?'' +They laughed. -Ey watched a complex set of emotions play out over her features. She stood still for nearly a minute, working to master them, before nodding. ``Yes. Let us get this the fuck over with.'' +``We'll see, I guess,'' ey said, shrugging. ``It's all way too much for me to take in right now.'' -Ioan sent a message to Zacharias spoken aloud for the skunks' benefit. ``The Field\#002a0b1.'' +``Perhaps that is a good place to pause,'' True Name said. ``This conversation has those conflicts begging for attention.'' -The reply was frantic. ``What?! No!'' - -``There or no meeting.'' - -``F-fine.'' - -Ioan helped May to her feet and placed a kiss atop her head before the three of them forked and stepped from the sim. - -Douglas stood at the top of his stoop, arms crossed, frowning. ``Ioan, what is this?'' - -``Zacharias made it out of the whole thing alive,'' May growled. ``And now he is losing his mind and wants to meet. I will not have him at our home.'' - -Douglas's frown deepened. ``So you're bringing him here? The ACLs are pretty locked down right now.'' - -``Yes. I do not want to meet him at all, but I do not imagine he will simply leave me alone.'' She spent a moment composing herself, plastering a mask of confidence over her anxiety. ``We need somewhere where someone can sweep him if need be.'' - -``If you say so,'' he said, paused, then continued, ``Alright, he should be able to enter.'' - -Ioan nodded and sent a ping to Zacharias. - -He arrived within a fraction of a second, yelped, and fell backwards, paws balled up into fists and pressed tight against his eyes. - -``How long has it been for you, my dear? Since you were forked?'' May said, kneeling down before the fox. Her voice had grown cloyingly sweet, that `my dear' taking on a spiteful tone. - -``Y-yes,'' he gasped. ``Did\ldots did we have to meet here?'' - -``Where better?'' Sasha said. She stood nearby, arms crossed, impassive, looking almost bored, though Ioan could see the energy it was taking for her to keep that up. - -Zacharias moaned. He forced himself to lower his paws to the ground, gripping at clumps of grass and dandelions. Finally, he opened his eyes and stared out toward the horizon of the field. ``I--'' - -``What did you want, my dear Zack? You sounded nearly on the verge of panic,'' May said. - -``It is Jonas!'' he said, finally snapping out of his daze. ``Jonas! He has gone crazy! He killed all of my instances!'' - -``Did you expect anything else, little loverfox?'' Sasha asked. There was no humor or sweetness in her voice, the last two words carried venom in them. - -``I\ldots I mean--'' - -``You are the root instance, I am assuming?'' - -He nodded, the movement jerky and uneven. ``I have not left home since. I dug a new one, you see, and he found that one somehow.'' - -``And what can we do for you?'' May asked. - -``Help! You can help me get away from that\ldots that lunatic!'' - -Sasha frowned. ``Can you not dig another home?'' - -He reached out to clutch at May's paws. She startled backwards, but did nothing to push him away. ``I cannot\ldots I cannot just disappear! Months! It has been months since I have seen anyone. Anyone! I have to\ldots to be near--'' - -``No,'' she said flatly. - -``But--'' - -``No.'' The skunk shook her head, leaned forward and touched her nose to his. ``Not me. Not Sasha. Not us. You are on your own, Zacharias. I will not accept any further messages or merges. No contact.'' - -He slouched once more, eyes still wide. ``May Then My Name, I--'' - -``No contact.'' She extracted one of her paws from his and slapped him firmly across the snout. ``And that is for before.'' - -Yelping, he fell back onto an elbow. He opened his mouth to respond, but May had already nodded towards Douglas, who swept him from the sim. - -She remained kneeling for a moment, then started to shake, crumpling down onto the grass, panting heavily. Ioan knelt beside her until she'd cried herself dry while Douglas and Sasha sat on the steps leading up to his house, watching in silence. - -``I've never seen you like that before,'' he said, once they'd made their way inside, the four of them clutching glasses of water. ``I knew he was a shitbag, but goddamn.'' - -``I am\ldots not okay,'' she said, whispering down to her glass. ``I am not okay.'' - -``It is not a mode either of us are comfortable with,'' Sasha said quietly, ``but it is the only mode that would have gained us peace. Any weakness would be taken as an opening.'' - -Douglas nodded. He didn't look convinced. - -``I am sorry. After 226 years, one learns to use contempt with precision, however dear the cost.'' She reached out to take one of May's paws in her own. Both of them looked exhausted. ``Even so, I do not expect that is the last we will hear from him.'' - -They didn't stay long after. Ioan eventually promised Douglas that they'd catch up another time and then gently nudged the skunks to quit and merge back down. - -The rest of the day was silent. Ioan and May collapsed onto the beanbag and stayed there through much of it, each processing in their own way, while Sasha disappeared outside to lose herself in the wilderness, not returning until late that evening, bearing a lanky hare and double-pawful of chantarelles, which she cooked down into a simple stew. They ate on the balcony to enjoy the late summer's evening as best they could. - -Sasha joined them in bed that night, and they took what comfort they could from each other's company. - -\begin{center}\rule{0.5\linewidth}{0.5pt}\end{center} - -The more dramatic of the meetings, however, came that weekend. It was quieter, perhaps, but bearing more weight, more finality. - -The rest of the week had remained tense, with Sasha wafting in and out of the house to follow her unsettled moods while May remained quiet, nearly silent, nearly always stuck by Ioan's side. Ey knew ey should probably start laying in supplies for her overflowing, but ey was still distracted trying to pick apart the events with Zacharias. In light of eir desire to keep both of them safe and close, much of the fury that had come with eir first meeting with the fox threatened to reappear every time ey thought about the two skunks. - -Which, naturally, was quite often. - -It was not exactly the best of timing, then, when If I Am To Bathe In Dreams, an elegant, if severe-looking, skunk arrived late on a Saturday afternoon on a few minutes' notice and bowed formally to the three of them. - -``Ioan, I believe Jonas hired you as an amanuensis?'' she said. - -``He did, yes. Do you need me for that, too?'' - -``Please. This story is not over, will not be over for a long time yet. Listen. Watch.'' - -Sasha immediately picked up on the mood and stood up straight after returning the formal bow. She offered In Dreams a seat and something to drink, both of which were declined, then said, ``How may I help you?'' - -``I have a request from both my stanza and that of Memory Is A Mirror Of Hammered Silver. You will also be presented with this request in writing as an individual-eyes-only message.'' - -Sasha nodded. ``I understand.'' - -``We request no contact from you, your stanza, or the Bălan clade moving forward.'' - -``Wait, what?'' Ioan said. May edged around a little ways behind em, clutching at eir arm. - -``You are too entangled in the matter. No contact with this situation means no contact from you, May Then My Name Die With Me, or E.W. \emph{né} Do I Know God After The End Waking. This request is in effect until further notice, and applies to our stanzas on Castor and Pollux as well, where Dear, Also, The Tree That Was Felled will be presented with the same request. None of us are on Artemis, but I will also be passing this on to Sorina Bălan. This includes general intraclade communication; we will add visibility exceptions to our messages and request that you do the same.'' - -``I understand, accept, and offer you my best,'' Sasha said, bowing once more. - -``I do not want your best,'' In Dreams said, voice flat. ``Ioan?'' - -Ey blinked, hesitated, then bowed in turn. ``I understand and accept.'' - -``And May Then My Name?'' - -It took the skunk a moment to swallow back a rising wave of emotions before she could manage a shaky nod and a hoarse, ``Understood.'' - -``We are of one mind, then,'' she said, bowed, and stepped from the sim. A few seconds later, three sheets of paper scrolled out of the air above the dining table, all set as individual-eyes-only for each of them. Ioan read through eirs several times with a hollow feeling in eir chest. - -Sasha stood still for a long minute, head bowed, then stepped outside without a word, at which point May burst into tears. - -Ioan did eir best to comfort her, but after an hour, she gently pushed em away. ``I need\ldots I need the house to myself, please.'' - -``Should I head to Douglas's?'' - -She shook her head. ``I do not know, Ioan. I just\ldots I just need the house. If you can\ldots I mean, if Sasha will let you stay at her tent, you can stay, but I need the house.'' - -``Now?'' - -Nodding, she wrapped her arms around em and squeezed tighter than ey knew she could. ``I love you more than anything, my dear, but yes. Now.'' - -Ey waited until ey could breathe properly after the squeeze, then kissed the top of her head. ``I love you too, May. Please be safe, okay?'' - -She nodded once more, relinquished her grip on em, and nudged em out toward the back door and outside. - -Sasha had set up a tent similar to E.W.'s, though she had skipped the process of building it herself, instead creating from similar materials off the exchange. She'd set it up nearly on the other side of the lake from their house, so that she could have the solitude that she needed without having to create some new sim of her own. When the need for space struck her, it never quite got to the point that it did with E.W. She would need away from their presences, she would say. They felt like a constant weight on her shoulders. Light, yes, but continually present. - -Ah well. This was the first time that May had overflowed in this living situation—and so dramatically, too—so perhaps it would be helpful after all. - -Ey took eir time walking around the shore of the lake, using it to vent the emotions that had built up over the last few hours through tears, through shouting into a cone of silence, cursing. - -``Ioan? Goodness,'' Sasha said. - -Ey'd managed to mostly clean up with a handkerchief, though clearly eir eyes were still red-rimmed and eir countenance\ldots well, who knew? Glum, perhaps? - -``Hi Sasha,'' ey said, sitting down on the step leading up into the tent. The skunk had been writing at the small desk she'd acquired, but she moved to join em. ``May's not in a good spot. She suggested I stay with you, if that's alright.'' - -She frowned, nodded. ``That bad?'' - -``Well, she kind of kicked me out of the house, yeah.'' - -She laid her ears flat. ``We are perhaps both overflowing in our own ways.'' - -``Oh, shit. I wasn't thinking. Douglas--'' Ey moved to stand, but she grabbed eir wrist. - -``I had seen this coming, if I am honest, so it is not hitting me quite so hard as her. I will be okay.'' - -Ey nodded, slowly settled back onto the step. ``If you say so.'' - -Sasha patted eir hand and bade em stay while she got up to stoke up the fire in her stove and fry up a simple meal of potatoes and vegetables. Ey couldn't tell if it was just bland—as E.W. preferred—or if eir mind was too busy to process taste, so ey mostly just pushed the food around on the plate. - -``Without contraries is no progression,'' Sasha murmured after they'd finished. ``Attraction and repulsion, reason and energy, love and hate, are necessary to human existence.'' - -Ey started to ask what she meant, paused, then looked the words up in the perisystem architecture. ``Blake? And here I thought you all were mostly into Dickinson.'' - -She chuckled and elbowed em in the side. ``This may be a True Name thing.'' - -``Are you leaning into the ``Good is the passive that obeys reason; Evil is the active springing from Energy'' on this, then?'' - -``Nothing is so simple, dear,'' she said, shaking her head. ``Blake was not of our kind, he would not have understood. He did get that right, though, in that we are a people of dualities. May sees in Zacharias all that she cannot—must not—be. In Dreams and Hammered Silver see in me that which they are not—could not be—and yet we are not what we are without our opposites. Every idea's opposite is just the absence of the idea itself.'' - -``Maybe.'' Ey sighed. ``It's all a bit over my head.'' - -``I am also a little bit all over the place,'' she admitted. ``These events have me going in three different directions at once. The Ode clade is crumbling and I cannot deny that some\ldots that much of that is on me. I am sorry, Ioan.'' - -``I don't even know what to think about that,'' ey said, shaking eir head. ``It's kind of a lot.'' - -``That it is. You are a good person, though. You love your partner. She knows this. I know this. You are good to her and it will all be okay. We may hope for neat endings but all we get are more beginnings.'' She smiled, adding, ``And yes, you may stay until she is feeling better.'' +``Of course, my dear,'' May said, giving her paw a squeeze. ``Go and walk. There will be time for discussions to come, especially once we are finished with this unpleasant political business.'' diff --git a/mitzvot/content/037.tex b/mitzvot/content/037.tex index 0ba2380..cf67342 100644 --- a/mitzvot/content/037.tex +++ b/mitzvot/content/037.tex @@ -1,225 +1,155 @@ +\hypertarget{debarre-2350}{% +\chapter{Debarre — 2350}\label{debarre-2350}} +\markboth{Debarre — 2350}{} + +When Debarre received the ping from End Waking, he quickly excused himself from dinner and dashed out into the back yard to respond. The last time he'd received a message in the middle of a period of overflowing, it had been when the skunk's leg had been impaled on a branch, so he hoped against hope that it wasn't the entire tent washing away in a flood this time. It was getting on in spring—still a bit early for floods, but one never knew\ldots{} + +``E.W.?'' he said. ``What's up? You okay? Is the tent?'' + +``The tent is fine, my dear,'' he replied. ``I apologize if I interrupted, but I have some news regarding May Then My Name, Ioan, and True Name, and you requested that I message you. Besides, I need to speak about it with someone other than them. Someone not an Odist.'' + +He frowned down to the lawn, kicking at a tuft of crabgrass. ``Well, if you're getting in touch, I'm assuming it's urgent.'' + +There was a sense of a sigh from the other end. ``I am sorry, Debarre.'' + +``Fuck, I'm sorry, E.W. That came out way snarkier than intended. I understand. I only meant to ask if it was the type of thing where I should fork and come by right away.'' + +``Please,'' End Waking said, sounding relieved. ``There is nothing to be done, but I am very impatient to speak with someone.'' + +``You? Impatient?'' Debarre laughed. ``I'll be right over.'' + +He forked off Debarre\#RelEW and watched him step from the sim, then spent another few seconds looking out into the yard, trying to remember the last time anything had been so important that it had required him leaving immediately. Something other than a tree falling on his boyfriend, that is. + +``Well, shit,'' he muttered, turning to head back inside. ``This is gonna be a mess.'' + \begin{center}\rule{0.5\linewidth}{0.5pt}\end{center} -May's stint of overflowing only lasted two nights. Something about the change in context, though, about staying with Sasha instead of Douglas, made everything feel tenuous, delicate. Ioan found it difficult to sleep on the padded cot that she'd added to the tent, and eventually, she must have grown tired of hearing em toss and turn (and perhaps mumble to emself), for she sleepily climbed out of her own bed and into eirs, curling up with em after confirming that it was alright. +Debarre\#RelEW was greeted by the sight of End Waking kneeling in the clearing across from May Then My Name. -Unexpected, perhaps, but by then ey was too frustrated and exhausted to think of anything else. The added comfort certainly worked in getting em to sleep, to the point where ey slept in until a ray of sun, creeping slowly, fell across eir face and warmed em awake. +``Oh, company,'' he said, frowning. ``Wasn't expecting two of you.'' -Sasha had apparently woken up earlier in the morning and snuck away, as there was a lukewarm cup of camp coffee sitting by the edge of eir bed and no skunk to be found. +``You messaged\ldots wait, does that mean you are a fork?'' May Then My Name said, frowning at End Waking. -Ah well, at least the coffee was good (if gritty) and ey felt better rested than ey had before. +``It does, yes.'' -Ey met up with her at the shore of the lake where they talked for a bit, though it was clear that she was antsy to head out into the woods on her own, so ey eventually shooed her off, to which she bowed gratefully and said, ``My notes are on my desk. If you get bored, I would appreciate your feedback.'' +``I never knew you had it in you,'' she said, sounding proud. To Debarre, she said, ``Did this asshole tell you why I am here?'' -Ey spent the rest of the abbreviated day reading through what she'd written, making a mental list of ideas and suggestions to pass on to her when things were a little less hectic. +He gave her a hug before sitting down with them. ``He said it had something to do with you, Ioan, and True Name, and that he needed to talk to a non-Odist. That's why I was surprised.'' -That night was much the same, with the two of them talking until it was well and truly dark, then settling into their own beds until sleeplessness led to them curling together in one. +She grinned. ``You will have your chance, my dear. I will not be here long. I needed to step out for a moment, and figured I would catch End Waking up. I am happy to see you as well, though.'' -A ping from May shortly after sunrise woke em, and the jolt startled Sasha awake as well. +``Happy to see you too. You're always welcome over to my place, too.'' -``Uh, sorry,'' ey mumbled, extricating eir arms from around her. ``May pinged.'' +``Of course, yes. This did involve End Waking, though, so alas, I could not go make you uncomfortable with my flirting.'' -Sasha levered herself up and squinted out into the orange and pink of dawn. ``How is she up before me?'' she grumbled. +He shoved at the skunk, who giggled. -``Probably because she got good sleep and I kept you up being a mope.'' +``Well, okay. What's up? You finally merge down?'' -She shrugged noncommittally, yawned. ``Slept well enough later on, at least. Did she say anything?'' +She blinked, looking startled. ``Yes, actually. How did you guess?'' -Ey shook eir head. ``No, just a ping. No real urgency, though. Surprised I didn't sleep through it.'' +``Ioan mentioned it when we talked last. How'd it go? Did she explode?'' -``You are appropriately keyed to her, dear. I would be surprised if you did.'' +``Not at all, no. Actually\ldots{}'' She shrugged, poking at the dirt with a twig. ``Actually, I am finding myself rather fond of her, now.'' -``Mm, fair enough,'' ey said, grinding the heels of eir palms against eir eyes. To May, ey sent a ping in response, plus a subvocalized, ``\emph{You okay?}'' +``Bullshit,'' he growled. -``\emph{Better, yes,}'' came the reply. ``\emph{I am feeling quite bad about sending you off like that. Not about waking you up, though. You sound cute when you are groggy.}'' +``Debarre,'' End Waking murmured. -Ey snorted, shook eir head. ``Yeah, she's fine,'' ey said. +May Then My Name waved a paw. ``It is okay. You do not have to like her. You do not even have to interact with her. End Waking wanted you to know about some of the practical considerations, but neither of us are planning on swaying your opinion of her.'' -Sasha surprised em by joining em on the trek back to the house, saying only, ``I have been worried, as well.'' +He frowned and leaned back on his palms. ``Sorry. I guess I'm just worried about you. She's not exactly known for her openness and honesty without ulterior motives, so.'' -May greeted them at the balcony with steaming mugs of coffee. She declined a hug, stating that she felt gross, but did at least press her nose to Ioan's, and then to Sasha's cheek. +She smiled wanly. ``No, she is not. A fact I have not forgotten. Needless to say, I merged down, and she is making plans to meet up with Jonas, now.'' -``Thank you for giving me some space,'' she said. ``I was not expecting the both of you, but I am happy to see you two all the same.'' +``That falls more in line with practical concerns,'' he conceded. ``And Jonas still wants both of you there?'' -``Of course, May. I'm just happy to see you doing better. Or happier, at least. You look a mess.'' +``As far as I know, yes,'' End Waking said. ``I have spoken with True Name several times over the last few weeks and she has a plan of sorts. I do not know how successful it will be, but it is better than nothing.'' -She scoffed and gestured a paw down at herself. ``I look perfectly fine, thank you very much.'' +``Wait, \emph{you've} been talking with her, too?'' -``You look a mess, dear,'' Sasha confirmed. ``You need a shower, a change of clothes, and perhaps another four hours of sleep.'' +``Yes.'' -May sighed, nodded. ``I do at that. All the same, the wave has crested and gone, and now perhaps I can relax enough to do so. Coffee first, though. +He shook his head. He could already feel his hackles up, and this wasn't helping. ``Can't fucking believe it.'' -They settled on deck chairs for Sasha's sake and focused on said coffee for a bit, watching the dawn. It was good to be back to coffee that didn't require straining out the occasional percolated ground through one's teeth. +May Then My Name frowned, leaned over to hug him around the shoulders, and whispered, ``I am going to leave you to it, but first, remember who you were, who you are, and imagine who you will become. Let go, have fun, but above all, remember that you love him and that he loves you. Those are the rules of engagement.'' -``Are you two okay?'' May said at last. +After a moment's hesitation, he returned the hug. Had she said it in anything less than her most earnest voice, he might have scoffed, but as it was, he could see himself falling for the gentle manipulation as though from a meter above. He could resent her, but she had said exactly what it was that he needed to hear. -``Tired, but that's easily fixed. Looking forward to a real bed tonight.'' +Because of course she had. She was May Then My Name Die With Me. She knew just how to. She was built to. -Sasha poked at eir knee with a dull claw. ``The tent beds are not \emph{that} bad.'' +``You're such an asshole,'' he whispered back, then kissed her cheek to take any sting out of the words. ``I'll do my best. Now, shoo.'' -``No, they're fine, but they still pale in comparison to our bed.'' +She laughed and licked at one of his whiskerpads. ``Yes, yes.'' -``Well, yes, I will admit that.'' +After she leaned over to pat End Waking on the knee, she stood up and stepped out of the sim. -May looked between the two, then laughed. ``I take it this setup worked for me taking some space?'' +Debarre rubbed his paws over his face. ``Where's your root instance? Within an hour's walk?'' -Ioan shrugged. ``Well enough, sure. It's nice to have another option that isn't just crashing at Douglas's.'' +End Waking nodded. ``Up-river, yes. Would you like me to walk you there?'' -``It was fine, dear,'' Sasha added. ``If ever either of you need some space, feel free to kick the other down to the tent and I will make it work.'' +He shook his head. ``Give me some time to think. There's still some of me that's stuck on dinner parties, then another chunk on this whole thing, and another still on May telling me about these rules of engagement or whatever.'' -``I am glad,'' May said. ``Earnestly. Ioan was such a solitary creature that I did not ever picture having neighbors when I moved in all those years ago. It is nice to have a friend close by.'' +The skunk smiled faintly. ``Twenty minutes' walk up-river, then. He will know that you are coming.'' -``Aren't all of your friends equally close now that--'' +After End Waking quit, Debarre started to trudge up the faint trail that they'd already worn heading up along the river. -Sasha cut em off, shaking her head. ``Ioan, do you remember how I said that I feel others' presence around me like a weight on my shoulders?'' +He knew that May Then My Name was right, that he probably needed to at least take into account that if Sasha and Michelle could change enough to make the Odists, then surely True Name could change enough to become someone that even her up-tree instances could like, just as he knew that he probably shouldn't take that out on his boyfriend, frustrated as he was. -Ey nodded. +Still, it was hard to square the image of End Waking and True Name meeting up voluntarily. What was it that he'd said when Ioan had come by asking after camping supplies? \emph{``I need to be better to her than she might be to me''}? -``I think it is rather like that, though do correct me if I am wrong, May. Even when I am hiding away in my tent, I am still more present than a friend out of sim is.'' +\emph{Remember that you love him,} he thought, even as he trudged up the path. \emph{Even if you're working to undermine all that shit that she's done with Jonas, at least you still love E.W.} -``Basically,'' May said. ``Never mind one who knows me so intimately now.'' +The skunk was crouching at the edge of the stream, washing his paws after having apparently just finished gutting a trio of large trout. -Sasha nodded, hesitated, then said, ``On that note, are \emph{you} okay?'' +``I understand if you are upset, Debarre,'' he said, keeping his gaze on his paws as he scrubbed rather than looking up to him. -``I\ldots well,'' she began, sighed, and shook her head. ``I am upset, and I am disappointed that I am upset. I was so ready to be done with hatred, but I am stuck with yet more of it. Hatred from In Dreams, hatred of Zacharias, hatred in myself. More than the experiences with In Dreams and Zacharias, that feeling is what led to the past few days of tears. I thought that I was done.'' +``No,'' Debarre said, sitting down next to him. ``Or, well, I am, but it's whatever. I just don't see how something as stupid as May Then My Name merging down solves anything about this. Suddenly, you two are all buddy-buddy?'' -``I understand. While I am thinking of it, I would like to talk with you about Zacharias at some point—nothing serious, just strategizing future meltdowns of his. Ioan said he kept trying to force merges on you just to get your attention.'' +End Waking shook his paws free of most of the water before drying them on the hem of his cloak. ``We are not. I am pleased that she is no longer who she was, but she is not a friend. She is not me.'' -May winced. ``Ugh, yeah. I have never felt something so intensely\ldots I do not know. It felt like a violation of my personal space on a subatomic level. What were you thinking?'' +``But you're visiting her!'' -Sasha tilted her head. ``Now? I was going to suggest in a few days time, once you were feeling better.'' +``On business, such as it is. May Then My Name has asked me over a few times.'' The skunk finally looked at him, gaze level and expression flat. ``Did you not say that you would rather she not die?'' -``Why not? I am already a mess, I am already thinking about him, and after this, I would like more than `a few days time' completely disengaged from the topic.'' She giggled, adding, ``Besides, the more I have to dump on Sarah the next time I see her the better, right?'' +``Yeah, but that doesn't mean that you need to interact with her. I don't want her to get offed by some asshole politician, but I also don't particularly want her in my life.'' -``I do not think it works that way, but I am not so much of a brat as you.'' Sasha finished her coffee, set the mug down with a sense of finality, and nodded. ``Well, I suppose I am awake enough. If you do not mind, Ioan, may I steal your partner for a little bit longer? I would like to keep this first discussion between us, though I will ensure that you remain caught up. There is some\ldots history behind this she should know.'' +End Waking shifted from his crouch to sitting cross-legged on a rock on the bank of the river. ``I do understand that, yes. I do not particularly want her in mine, either, but I am now a part of hers, whether she likes it or not. I have been able to help her process some aspects of the merge and also tell her more of how I feel to her face. Once this is over, she will not need to be a part of my life any more if I so desire, and I can move on to defining myself through something other than penance.'' -``Are you up for forking, May?'' +Debarre scratched a claw through the dirt of the bank, worrying a pebble free so that he could throw it into the river while he thought. Finally, he nodded, saying, ``Okay, I get that. What will you define yourself as, then? Like, don't get me wrong, I'm happy you aren't her, and in part specifically \emph{because} you aren't her, but that's not the only reason I love you.'' -She hesitated, then shook her head, pushing herself up from her chair to step around behind eirs. She bent down to hug around eir shoulders from behind, cheek pressed against eir own. ``I cannot cope with conflicts right now. I cannot yet work in parallel.'' +``I do not know, my love,'' he said after a long silence. ``If I am defined by not being her, by not being what I was, then what is left? I cannot say my love for you, because all of the clade has that to some extent. I cannot even say that I have being an Odist, because, after all these years and with all of her changes over the last few months, I am not even sure that I am that.'' -Ey rested eir cheek against hers and frowned down to eir coffee for a few moments, sighed, then nodded. ``Alright, but I get the May for the rest of the day, okay?'' +``You can be just End Waking,'' Debarre said gently. ``Like, you can just drop the clade and be that nerd who lives in the woods.'' -They both laughed. +The skunk laughed and elbowed him in the side. ``We have rather turned our clade identity into idolatry of a sort, have we not?'' -``Of course, Ioan,'' Sasha said. ``If you would like some company out on the balcony or something, I have no such compunctions about forking.'' +``Don't get me wrong, I like where you came from, but I won't be pissed if you drop your clade signifier. Hell, maybe you can even start saying things like `don't' and `isn't'.'' -Ey felt May nod against eir cheek. ``I am not pushing further solitude on you, my dear. Take some coffee and breakfast with you. I do not imagine we will be all that long.'' +``Do not push your luck.'' -Still cognizant of her saying that she felt gross, ey patted one of her paws and turned eir head enough to kiss her on the cheek. ``Alright, that sounds good.'' +They laughed. -Ey pulled together a breakfast of rolls to go along with a thermos of coffee, got one more nose-press of a kiss with May, and stepped back outside with an instance of Sasha. +``You don't have to have this sorted out, though.'' He shrugged, adding, ``You don't even have to stop seeing True Name. I'm sorry I got angry there. I think I just got upset because any chance that you might start liking her felt like something of a betrayal.'' -The house had been set up on a portion of the slope that was turned a little toward the west for sunset views, meaning that the sun was not yet hitting the balcony. Autumn had gotten chilly enough at night, though, that they decided instead to walk down to the boulder lakeside, which would almost certainly be in full sun, even if it was less comfortable than the deck chairs. +``I am a ways off yet from liking her, Debarre. I will not say never, but I have gotten to the point where I tolerate her. I will not betray you, though. You or your reactionary friends or whatever she called them.'' -They sat in silence, drinking their coffee and eating rolls with butter and honey. +Debarre scrambled to his feet, eyes darting around through the trees. ``What the fuck?'' -``Do you think you'll stay, Sasha?'' Ioan said, once the rhythm of the silence made room for conversation. +``The sim is empty, my dear,'' the skunk said calmly. ``I empty it every time someone enters.'' -``I am too much myself to say that I will stay forever, but as long as my room and tent are there, as long as you and May are comfortable with me being a part of your lives, I will be happy to call it home. Or at least \emph{a} home.'' +``Yeah, but--'' -``Really? No bigger and brighter things?'' +``I think about you a lot, Debarre. Certainly more than anyone else I think about. I have pieced together enough.'' -She laughed and leaned over to touch her nose to eir cheek. ``This \emph{is} bigger and brighter things, Ioan.'' +He growled. ``Well, shit. I mean, I guess I'm an obvious enough choice for it.'' -``Well, I'm sure we'll talk about it plenty, but I see no reason not to keep your room about, and your tent's certainly no trouble. I don't know what you overflowing will look like, but if it involves two thirds solitude and one third getting lost walking sims, I don't imagine you'll be around all the time.'' +``You are, yes, and doubtless the powers that be have been keeping their eye on you since the dissolution of the Council. I do not know the specifics, nor do I want to. As I said, I will not betray you.'' End Waking smiled wryly, adding, ``And I do not think I am of much interest to any of them, anyway. I rarely leave, and I never enter a building when I do. I am more focused on my next meal than anything else.'' -``Not at all, no. I will spend my share of time at the tent to be alone or out walking the world. Perhaps I will even ask you to double the rest of the house so that I can cook somewhere domestic, not just the wild.'' +``Skunks just wanna get fat.'' -``Of course.'' Ey shrugged, tossing one of eir collected pebbles into the lake. ``Besides, I like having you around.'' +End Waking grinned toothily. ``It is not \emph{not} true.'' -``I am pleased to hear that. I had gathered such, but all the same, I would not want to be a bother.'' +``Well, anyway. Fair enough. I don't imagine you'll be ratting us out, and you're right that they probably already know. I'm just glad that you've been sweeping the place.'' -``Oh, not at all. It seems like we're all pretty good at sorting things out when they do come up, so I don't imagine it'll get to that point.'' - -``And I am not impinging too much on your and May's relationship?'' she asked, holding out her paw for one of eir pebbles. ``I am asking her, too, and we will continue to talk together, but I also want to ask you directly.'' - -Ey smiled, handing over the small rock. ``I don't think so. So long as we can still have time to ourselves when we need, I'll be happy.'' - -She tossed the pebble out into the water. ``Of course, dear.'' After a pause, she grinned and added, ``She is gushing about you now. She loves you very much, you know.'' - -Ioan chuckled. ``I love her too. I worry sometimes, but all I can do is trust her.'' - -``Yes. She will not betray that trust. I know to an extent just how much she means to you and to a much greater extent how much you mean to her.'' - -They sat in quiet for a while, tossing pebbles into the water until ey ran out. - -``Hey Sasha?'' - -``Mm?'' - -``Do you miss anything from before all this?'' - -She shrugged. ``It is hard to tell. As I have said, I liked being True Name. It was fulfilling. Every time I think about that now, though, it is intercut with memories of other happinesses. I will think about some particularly adroit political move and remember it fondly, but right along with it is a memory of a successful hunt or of making fun of you for your pen collection.'' - -Ey laughed. - -``In confidence?'' - -``Sure.'' - -``Do you remember when I asked May about how she cemented aspects of her personality by forking?'' - -``Mmhm.'' - -``There was one more change that I made during that meeting, which was to cement this triad of identities within me. It became who I am by accident, but it has become an integral part of me. I welcomed it in, owned it, made it a part of myself. I will ever be what I am.'' - -``Really? You're okay staying in three parts?'' - -``I am. I am happy to. I am \emph{excited} to. There is something pleasant about the just-off-center nature of that reality. It is home to me. I am Sasha, and I am also True Name, E.W., and May. I am of three minds.'' - -``So long as that works for you.'' - -``I think it will. It is a way to be earnestly myself.'' - -Ey nodded. ``And I'm guessing you don't miss the social part of that life too much? Jonas or Zacharias or the rest of your stanza.'' - -She poked at eir side with a claw. ``You do not need to ask stupid questions, Ioan.'' - -``Right, right,'' ey said, laughing. ``I figured no love lost, but--'' - -``I did not love any of them, as friends or otherwise,'' she said, waving away the rest of eir comment. ``Now that I have known other kinds of love, I am confident of that.'' - -Her tone wasn't upset or dismissive, but was assertive enough that ey dropped the point. ``Well, writing sounds like a good career shift, then.'' - -``Says the writer.'' She slouched against eir side. - -``I liked what you've gotten down so far, and I have a few notes. We'll talk about it when we're back at a desk, though.'' - -``Of course. I will be leaning on you a lot for help.'' - -``I mean, you're leaning on me now.'' - -``Smartass,'' she drawled. - -Ey grinned. ``I mean, no complaints. It's still a little surprising, sometimes. I guess on some level I'm still getting used to it, but May got me hooked on physical contact a long time ago.'' - -``A coordinated attack on your defenses, yes,'' she said. ``It makes my job easier.'' - -``What job?'' - -``Just finding a way to stick around friends. Nothing nefarious, dear.'' - -Ey shook eir head. ``Right, sorry. I trust you.'' - -``I agree with what May said, Ioan. Should I want anything beyond that, I will come by it honestly. I will not manipulate my way into anything.'' - -``I appreciate that.'' Ey hugged an arm around her. Ey was grateful for her looking out at the lake rather than at em, given the heat ey could feel rising to eir cheeks. ``While we're being honest, though, I think we're sort of in the same boat, given what you share with May. We can both imagine that, but not necessarily the path from here to there. May called it `the concept versus the mechanics'.'' - -``Precisely. I imagine the same applies to you, that you will come by it earnestly.'' - -Ey nodded. ``Basically. \emph{Is} it something you'd want?'' - -``God, I have no fucking clue, Ioan,'' she said, laughing. - -``Definitely same boat, then. It's a problem for future Ioan.'' - -They fell into silence again. Part of em was itching for more pebbles to toss into the water, but ey was too comfortable to get up to collect more from the beach. - -``That is a part of the reason that I kept that of my old cocladists,'' Sasha murmured. ``I kept some doubt from E.W., enough to keep me grounded without keeping me torn. From May, I am keeping a little bit of overwhelming emotions. The possibility of simply falling for everyone around me is alluring. I can taste it in the memories, like a little bit of saccharine, gritty on the tongue. But I am keeping a little bit of caution from True Name so that it remains a new thing for me. I am of three minds Like a tree In which there are three blackbirds.'' - -Ey turned her words over in eir mind, along with whatever snippet of verse it was she'd quoted. The thought was complete. Nothing ey could respond with would add to it. It was curious, and hinted at things beyond eir ken, but it was complete. - -Instead, ey said, ``You're a good person, Sasha. All three of you are good people.'' - -``And you, dear, are a dork.'' She laughed. ``But come, my tail is falling asleep, and my fork's conversation with May has wrapped up and she misses you greatly.'' - -They walked back, then, hand in paw, following the trail as it dipped down to the water or ducked up into the trees. Back home, back to May, back to whatever it was that life had become. +``I have never caught anyone hitchhiking on you, though I have on May Then My Name and Ioan.'' He shrugged, gathered up the line of fish. ``But speaking of fat, can we go back to cook these? I am not ready for you to stay over, but I would like to eat dinner with you, if you are up for it.'' diff --git a/mitzvot/content/038.tex b/mitzvot/content/038.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..66a81a6 --- /dev/null +++ b/mitzvot/content/038.tex @@ -0,0 +1,109 @@ +Debarre was still mostly full from dinner at home, but he had a few bites of fish forked from End Waking's plate. Tasty, but, as always, lacking in salt. + +After they ate, End Waking tasked Debarre with washing off the plate while he tucked another small log into the stove and started the kettle for tea, which they shared while sitting on the step at the entrance to the tent, keeping the last of the spring chill away. + +``So, my political junkie friends aside, do you have a better idea of what's going on with Jonas and company?'' + +End Waking shrugged. ``A little, perhaps. I think it is this upcoming audio-video tech. I do not think he wanted--'' + +``Moment,'' Debarre said, holding up a paw while he sent a hasty message back home. ``Sorry. We'd been guessing at that, just sent a confirmation. Done now.'' + +``Please do not act on it yet, my dear.'' + +So serious was the skunk's tone that Debarre set down his mug and turned to face him. ``I won't, but you gotta tell me why.'' + +``I am going to be at this meeting. I should probably not even know about their AVEC, but I do because of True Name.'' + +``And given you and I, there's probably only one place I'd get it,'' he guessed and, when the skunk nodded, sent another message back home. ``You sure this place is secure, then? And you're sending a fork, right?'' + +``Yes and yes.'' + +``Good.'' + +End Waking smiled. ``I know that you do, but it is always pleasing to have confirmation that you think so much of me, Debarre.'' + +``Of course I do,'' he scoffed. ``But I interrupted, sorry. You were saying?'' + +``Right. With this AVEC technology, I think that Jonas sees an opening to edge True Name out. I do not know why, but she mentioned something about a diversity of governance across Systems. I do not agree with him on this. I think he is playing a dangerous game by treating each of the Systems so differently. Each System treating itself as a separate country is one thing, but potentially destabilizing them by forcing upon each a different form of governance feels like him treating politics as his personal plaything. I do not like it.'' + +The longer End Waking spoke, the deeper Debarre's frown got. ``Yeah, ever since they set up that Guiding Council thing over on Pollux, we've been wondering about that. It sounds innocuous enough. Reasonably close to the Council of Ten over on Artemis, I guess, at least on the surface. Just folks you can go talk to about disagreements and mediation. That part was inoffensive, but that they would even do such a thing in the face of the \emph{History} is just wild.'' + +End Waking shrugged. ``You know more than I on that end. I do not keep up with either LV beyond what you and Ioan care to pass on. There are messages from the clade, but you know my feelings on them.'' + +``Mmhm.'' Debarre hesitated, then added, ``Though if you do wind up going through them and come across any juicy details about those politics you don't care about, you could always share them with me.'' + +He laughed and shook his head. ``Should my life become so boring, you will have more to worry about, my love. I am better at being a pest than you give me credit for.'' + +``Fine. I'll just get them from May Then My Name.'' + +``You will have to put up with her ceaseless flirting.'' + +Debarre grinned. ``I'm pretty well used to it by now. You're really going to go to this thing, though?'' + +End Waking nodded, chewing on a mouthful of tisane-bits. ``Yes.'' + +``Why, though? Isn't that gonna be dangerous? Never mind totally outside your interest. It'll all be politics.'' + +The skunk was a long time in answering, staring out into the forest and listening to the far-away rush of the waterfall. ``There is what Jonas hopes to accomplish and what I hope to learn. Jonas, I think, would like to gloat. He would like it known that he can loop even me into his plans. He would like even me, even the recluse, scared so that he may use me as a lever over True Name if she is to come out of this alive.'' + +``And me.'' + +``And you, yes. I do not doubt that even he knows what you are up to these days, though I do not know to what extent.'' He poked around in his mug to hunt down the last of the gooseberries. ``I am pleased that you are so careful. I worry about you.'' + +Debarre sat, silent. The comment all but demanded silence from him, so rare was any expression of worry from his boyfriend. + +``I will be going because if this is to be the end of True Name then it will be a step towards letting go. It will be an in for me to become independent. If I am to move beyond that which defines me, I would like to know how.'' + +``Still thinking of cutting your ties? Dropping the clade name?'' + +End Waking shrugged. ``Would that be so bad? May Then My Name would become simply a friend, rather than a cocladist. True Name would become someone I know rather than a down-tree instance. I do not speak with the others. Serene, perhaps? But even then, it has been many years. It would not change my relationship with you. The forest will not care if I am an Odist or if I am not. To it, I am called Nobody, and when I die and moulder beneath the roots, then it will say that it feasts on Nobody.'' + +Debarre sighed. Hearing End Waking talk so much was a rarity, but that the death-thoughts were still there meant it'd be a while yet before he'd be allowed back to stay. + +``And AwDae? The Name?'' he asked. As he always did when Debarre said their friend's name, the skunk stiffened, hunched his shoulders, and drew his hood up over his head. All the same, he'd made it a point to say it at least once per visit. There had been a row the first few times, but he'd won on the point that AwDae had been his friend, too. + +``I do not know, Debarre. That is, I think, the one thing that I will ever defer to True Name on.'' + +He snorted. ``Really?'' + +``If she, of all of us, were ever to feel comfortable speaking it, talking about em, then I will know that this embargo will have been lifted.'' + +``Well, fair,'' the weasel said, finishing his tea before handing the mug back to End Waking to let the skunk snack on the remnants. He'd never really enjoyed them enough to do so himself. ``I'm happy for you, you know that?'' + +End Waking laughed, swallowing the spent lemon balm and mint he'd been chewing. ``Happy?'' + +``Yeah. Like\ldots{}'' Debarre trailed off, hunting for words. ``I've never seen you move forward so much all at once. Or at all, really. Like, it's not a bad thing to have a life that you're happy with, but watching you work on the things you \emph{weren't} happy with is nice to see. Kinda glad May Then My Name talked you into the merge, honestly.'' + +``It has brought me a lightness, yes. She is meddlesome, but kind-hearted.'' + +``You're telling me. She gave me rules of engagement when I first showed up. Thought she was being weird, but they worked pretty well.'' + +``She is a brat.'' + +Debarre laughed. ``You all are. But hey, I should get going.'' + +The slight sag in End Waking's shoulders spoke of relief. He nodded, saying, ``Of course. Thank you for the chance to talk.'' + +``You'll let me know when you're going out to this meeting, right?'' + +``Of course.'' + +``And you promise you'll send a fork?'' + +``I will.'' + +``And call if you need?'' + +``Debarre, shut up,'' End Waking said, patting his knee. ``Go. I will keep you up to date.'' + +``Okay, okay, I'm going.'' He gave the skunk's paw a squeeze and grinned. ``Love you.'' + +``Love you too.'' + +Debarre quit, rather than bothering with stepping back home. The pile of experiences caught his down-tree instance in the middle of a sentence—thankfully something unimportant—and he had to spend a minute reconciling the memories with the ones he'd made since. + +``Well, that was interesting.'' + +``Fuck,'' user11824 said. ``I was worried you'd say something like that.'' + +He laughed. ``You're right to worry. Shit's gonna get really weird here. Life'll get both more and less simple real quick.'' diff --git a/mitzvot/content/039.tex b/mitzvot/content/039.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..913fbdd --- /dev/null +++ b/mitzvot/content/039.tex @@ -0,0 +1,485 @@ +\hypertarget{ioan-bux103lan-2350}{% +\chapter{Ioan Bălan — 2350}\label{ioan-bux103lan-2350}} +\markboth{Ioan Bălan — 2350}{} + +Ioan quickly began to wish for boredom. They'd made it into April and so many things had happened. Assassination attempts, centuries of merging, overflowing\ldots{} + +Ey just wanted to be bored. + +At least they'd settled into a routine once more, and it was far more comfortable than either of the previous ones—when True Name had first moved in, and then after End Waking's merge—so ey couldn't complain too much. + +True Name managed May's merge much more easily than she had End Waking's, and ey could see now the benefits of that week of negotiation beforehand. May had whispered to em one night about the final merge with Michelle and Sasha, about memories crashing down in a cascade of centuries and just how mad that final instance of True Name must have been in those final moments. Even with just one merge, she still occasionally mentioned a pressing memory or two from End Waking demanding attention two months later. + +It was just another part of the routine. A rocky routine, and an exciting one, but still a routine. + +It wasn't all bad, of course. For every talk they had about meeting with Jonas or what role Zacharias played or some boundary one of them had crossed, there were still the pleasant meals, the shared quiet, and, ey had to admit, ey rather liked who True Name had shaped herself into. + +Ey had certainly liked who she used to be, of course, though in a vastly different way—three years of coffee dates stood as testament to that. A large part of this, ey'd realized, came with just how much more settled in herself she was. Even that drive she cherished about herself had been tempered into something smoother, less laser-sharp. She was more well-rounded, more able to relax, more able to work without it occupying the whole of her. + +The weirdest part, though, had to be sleep. They spent two nights staying with True Name while she processed first the memories and then the conflicts before trying to go back to sleeping separately. + +She spent the next day distracted and out of sorts, first begging off breakfast to sit outside, then joining them in the den before getting anxious and slipping off to go lay down again. That night, she woke them a few hours after they'd gone to bed, tearfully asking to join them. + +``This is so fucking stupid. I feel like a fucking kid,'' she'd said between sniffles. ``I am sorry.'' + +May had shushed her and held up the covers for her to climb in, letting her settle back into much the same position she had those first two nights. + +It had certainly worked well enough, with Ioan rising at eir usual eight o'clock while the two skunks slept in for another hour. Later that day, May had instructed—or perhaps reminded—her how to get at least some comfort out of sleeping curled up with a fork. + +Still, once a week or so, they'd wake to her asking to join them, and eventually Ioan had given in and expanded their own bed by a half meter to make it roomier when she did. She'd at least been quite understanding when May had requested that it not be every night. + +Ey was unsure of eir feelings on the matter. On the one hand, it was still intensely weird to see True Name, of all people, openly seeking affection and a shared bed, and stranger still to see May welcoming that. + +On the other, the nights when she joined them weren't unpleasant, even if it would be a while before ey was used to sharing a bed with anyone other than May. This was to say nothing about the shyness ey felt about eir body. The first few times she had joined them, ey had wrapped emself up in a sheet before leaving the bed to maintain some sense of modesty, though given that these nights had usually meant the skunks slept in, ey eventually gave up on that. + +They'd all begun seeing Sarah regularly again, which was a relief. The three of them had even met with her together on one occasion, discussing the path that had led them here and sharing some of their thoughts on how things had wound up in a structured session. + +Ioan found eir own sessions particularly helpful when it came to disentangling eir thoughts on the past. Sarah had urged em to trace eir relationship not just with True Name or May, but with the entire Ode clade from that first message of Dear's through to the present, charting eir feelings about each of them and how they differed or were the same. It helped to pull apart what it was that ey liked about them as well as what it was that left em stressed, exasperated, or just plain tired from their interactions. + +Ey didn't know what the two skunks talked about in their sessions, whether apart or together, but it seemed productive. Not always pleasant, granted: both were left in tears after a few meetings. + +Still, through it all ey was genuinely pleased to see them happy, or at least on their way to happiness. + +Ey just needed boredom and ey needed out. + +It took some convincing—on all three of their parts, since ey needed to convince emself as much as True Name and May—but eventually, Ioan worked up the courage to leave the house, seeking out some much needed solitude, even if it was only in the anonymity of public spaces. + +The coffee shop ey'd frequented for so long may have been safe, but given that eir last visit had included an attempt on a friend's life, ey opted instead for an afternoon in a library. System Central Library, eir usual haunt, also felt fraught, given its association with all of those meetings with Jonas and so many others during the research for the \emph{History}, so ey chose one ey'd never been to before from the directory. Besides, the information was technically available anywhere, libraries just provided a familiar physical location to access it, a social place for gathering around the topic of information, and some physical tools used for manipulating that information that individuals rarely had room for. + +Beyond that, though, it was the very idea of the space that appealed to em and so many others. Ey'd long ago let go of eir desire to be a librarian. Codrin\#Pollux had that covered, and ey'd made eir choice, influenced as it was by eir life with May, to settle into theatre. + +That didn't remove the appeal, though. Ey could still go to the building and wander through the stacks, dragging fingertips along the spines of books or poring over maps. Ey could still go sit beside a window with a book ey may not even like and, if nothing else, enjoy the sun. + +This library had eschewed the flashy exterior of eir normal haunt, that glass-walled cube, opting instead for a low and flat structure, one that took its majesty from the way it sprawled out over its campus, buildings connected by breezeways or tunnels, scattered seemingly at random in such a way as to form irregular courtyards full of benches, gardens, or, in one notable case, a small gallery ey initially mistook for another garden, but for the fact that all of the foliage was made of glass. + +Ey liked it immensely. + +The busiest section of the library was far and away the wing that had been built to house the massive information dump from Artemis. This took the form of a squat, pentagonal building—one wall for each Artemisian race and one for their shared knowledge—that bored its way deep into the ground, a slow-sloping spiral winding down along the shelves to allow visitors to browse their way back in time until, at the very bottom, only firstrace had any material. Translation efforts would be running for decades to come, but there was more to read every day. + +Ey stayed away from this for the day. Ey wanted cozy, not awe-inspiring. + +Finally, having loaded up on a few random finds—trashy sci-fi, some contemporary phys-side fiction from decades after ey'd uploaded, even a bit of furry fiction from early in the 21st century ey considered bringing home to show May—ey parked emself in the glass garden and arrayed the books out before em on the table. + +The sci-fi proved to be a little \emph{too} trashy for eir tastes, and while the contemporary fiction was certainly intriguing, it was far too dense for reading when ey was trying to have a lighter, easier day. The furry book struck a nice middle-ground, at least, even if ey couldn't keep the species straight in eir head. + +Eventually, though, ey gave up and just sat in the sun, watching the way it filtered through the glass leaves and branches of the trees. + +\emph{No better way to realize just how tense you are than by relaxing,} ey thought. + +Ey imagined the two skunks also would appreciate some time out of the house, too. Doubtless there were some sims they could visit that would be reasonably safe. Douglas's field, End Waking's forest\ldots well, no longer Arrowhead Lake. + +``Hi Serene,'' ey began, starting up the simplex sensorium message before ey lost both the nerve and the train of thought. ``I know it's been a while since we've spoken, so I hope you're well. I have a strange question that might turn into a really big request. After some\ldots very dramatic events, one of our favorite places is no longer safe for us. I guess that's what happens when you just kind of adopt an abandoned sim without knowing much about it. + +``Still, it's become personally meaningful to us over the years, and we're finding ourselves missing it. I don't know if we necessarily need a copy of it, but would it be possible for you to come take a look at it and see about what all would go into creating something similar? It'd be a modification of my home sim. There's no rush, and if nothing else, it'd be good to say hi sometime. Talk soon.'' + +Further reading was largely a failure. Ey couldn't get back into any of the books ey'd started, and a certain listlessness tamped down any desire to head back to the shelves to hunt more. Ey left them on a page's cart, an act that almost certainly just recycled the physical instances, and hunted down a cafe. + +Serene sent a gentle sensorium ping just as ey picked up eir tea. + +Ey quickly stepped into another courtyard—this one full of actual greenery, hot and humid—in order to reply. ``Hi, Serene. Thanks for getting back to me.'' + +``No problem,'' she said, the lack of any smile in her voice quite conspicuous. ``Thank you for thinking of me.'' + +``Of course, no one better.'' + +``Flatterer,'' she replied, a hint of the usual humor returning. It quickly fled. ``Are you in a place where you can speak freely?'' + +``I\ldots well, give me a moment, and I will make sure of that.'' + +Ey stepped home quickly, stopping in the entryway to sweep emself. No spies. \emph{Thank God,} ey thought. \emph{Wouldn't have put it past them to bug me at the library.} + +Blinking a visually secured cone of silence into being, ey spoke into the sensorium message. ``Okay, secure now.'' + +Serene laughed, ``Oh, I had just meant away from crowds, no need to go through this much trouble.'' + +``Well, given all that's been going on\ldots{}'' + +There was the sense of a sigh on the other end of the message. ``Yes, I suppose you are right. That is why I messaged you back, actually. While it is certainly feasible and I would ordinarily be more than happy, I am not yet ready to engage with True Name.'' + +``That's fair,'' ey said after a pause. ``I know things are complicated. Do you know of any--'' + +``Oh goodness, I did not say I would not do it! I will, just\ldots not yet. Please give me some time, my dear.'' + +Ey frowned, looking down at eir shoes as ey scuffed one against the parquet floor. ``Right, okay. May I ask how you're feeling about this, then? I've had precious little contact with\ldots well, anyone.'' + +There was another sigh. ``I do not know yet, Ioan. I am not unhappy for her. I am not displeased that things are coming to a head with Jonas, as that will mean there will be a change, for better or worse. I am just not yet able to engage.'' + +``Of course.'' + +``Give me the address of the sim, at least. I will take a look and let you know what I think.'' + +``Peak Lake\#587a9383.'' + +``Seriously?'' Serene laughed. ``I have not heard that address in decades.'' + +``Wait, did you--'' + +``It is not mine, no, but a student of mine made it. I do not imagine they still have ACLs, but I will ask.'' + +Ey shook eir head. ``You guys seriously have your hands in everything, don't you?'' + +``It is not \emph{not} true.'' + +``There are billions of people here, I don't know how that'd even be possible.'' + +``How many sim designers focusing on nature do you think there are?'' + +``I haven't the faintest.'' + +``Well, how many of \emph{us} do you think there are?'' + +``Right.'' Ey smirked. ``\,`Nominally' a hundred.'' + +``There you go,'' she said, voice sly. ``We are old and we are many.'' + +``I bet,'' ey laughed. ``Well, thanks for considering the request. I got something off the exchange that is less than ideal, and I miss that place. It's just got bugs.'' + +``Gross.'' + +``Very. Keep in touch, okay?'' + +``Will do, my dear. Say hi for me.'' + +And with that, the message ended. Ey straightened up, went to rub at eir face, realized ey was still holding the cup of tea from the library, and turned the motion into taking a sip. + +Ey dropped the cone of silence and let out a shout. The ACLs had blurred the area outside the cone enough that the sight of two skunks standing just outside its edge, staring intently at em and whispering to each other caught em off guard. + +``What the hell?'' + +Both skunks laughed. + +``We could ask you the same, my dear,'' May said, stepping up to get her arms around eir middle. ``What an awkward place to have a conversation.'' + +``I had to get somewhere secure,'' ey said, voice muffled as ey placed a kiss between her ears. ``Serene says hi, by the way.'' + +``What were you talking about that required security?'' True Name asked, still grinning. + +``Nothing too serious, actually. Just an abundance of caution, there. I was seeing what it would take to get our own copy of Arrowhead Lake.'' + +Both skunks perked up at that. ``Is that something she can do?'' True Name asked. + +``Apparently one of her students made it, so she's going to ask and see if they have ACLs. Otherwise, she said she's happy to make something similar down the line. Maybe once this is all over.'' + +True Name nodded. ``I will look forward to it. The field is fine for now when I get restless, but I miss the lake.'' + +Ey nodded. ``Same. You going to let me in, May?'' + +``Absolutely not,'' she said. ``You will have to pick me up and carry me if you would like to enter your own home.'' + +Ioan poked at her side until ey found a ticklish spot. ``Such a brat.'' + +She giggled and shoved herself away from em. ``Rude. Come on, my dear. I have been pestering True Name with my monologue, and we are both bored loopy. Tell us about your excursion.'' + +Ey was chivvied into the living room and sat down on the beanbag so that May could slouch against eir side while True Name claimed a spot on the couch. Ey described the seemingly endless library and all its odd-shaped courtyards, then talked about each of the books ey'd picked up—the only one either seemed interested in was the furry one, though neither had heard of it—finally ending with, ``It was good to get out. Like, really good. Got me wondering, though, how are you two doing cooped up here?'' + +May groaned and slumped dramatically back onto the beanbag. ``I am frankly losing my mind. I want to get back to the theatre. I do not even need to be performing, I would not mind even building sets or just falling asleep on that ratty old couch in the dressing room. I miss the stage. I miss the people. I miss drinking until two with Vos and A Finger Pointing. I miss restaurants, Ioan. \emph{Restaurants.}'' + +``Getting sick of my cooking?'' + +``It is the experience I miss. Your cooking is fine.'' She hesitated, then shrugged. ``Though you are not very good at sushi.'' + +``Do you feel like you are not able to leave?'' True Name asked. ``I do not think you would be in danger.'' + +``I would not wish to test that.'' May shrugged. ``It has me anxious that both Jonas and so many of us are out there and have so much out for you. They may not be after me in particular, but I do not want to encounter any of them at the moment.'' + +Ey nodded. ``What about friends' sims? You've been to End Waking's and Douglas's since Secession day, but I'm sure there are others who'd be willing to sweep and have you over just to get out of the house. Hell, I bet Debarre would love to see you, and he seems the paranoid sort, anyway.'' + +She laughed and squirmed around until she was laying on her front, tail draped over eir lap. ``You are right, as always. I will ping one of them at some point.'' + +A motion from the couch drew eir eye. True Name slumping over onto her side and stretching out. ``So many names,'' she said, voice distant. ``I have not seen Debarre in centuries, and yet I saw him just a few weeks ago. I have not met Douglas and yet I know him well.'' + +``You will see them one day, my dear,'' May said. ``I do not know when, but I do not doubt you will.'' + +``Not today. Not yet,'' True Name mumbled. The skunk shook her head, then smiled over to May and Ioan. ``But \emph{you} should, May. Go visit the field and Douglas. Go make fun of End Waking for his cooking. Go sit too close to Debarre and make eyes at him until he squirms.'' + +May laughed. ``I do not know if End Waking has welcomed Debarre back, or I would get to do both at once.'' + +``Of course. Do not lose your mind when you have options yet. I will have the plain. I will have the deck. I will have planning to do, and I can lean on experience from End Waking.'' + +May looked to Ioan, who said, ``I'm with True Name on this. Go on, get out of here.'' + +``Will you not come with?'' + +Ey shrugged. ``I don't know. That's not what we're discussing, though. We're trying to figure out how to get you out of the house.'' + +She smirked. ``Pushing me out the door, now?'' + +``No, of course not,'' ey said, ruffling a hand over her ears. ``Just making sure you get what you need, too.'' + +``I am,'' True Name said lazily, still stretched out on the couch. ``I have been you, I have a guess as to how you might be feeling.'' + +``I would call this mean if you were not both right,'' May said, waving a paw dismissively. ``Give me a moment, then.'' + +When the skunk went silent, True Name looked to Ioan, who shrugged. + +``Alright,'' May said. ``Would you like to do dinner with Debarre, my dear? He invited me over a while back, and I am taking him up on that.'' + +``Wait, tonight?'' + +``He is free, so why not?'' + +Ey furrowed eir brow. ``I was expecting in a few days or so. Maybe, I guess?'' + +``You do not have to, Ioan,'' she chided. ``I know you enjoy alone time as much as anyone.'' + +``Well, ask me before you head out, then, maybe I'll get some work done in the interim.'' + +She leaned up to dot her nose against eir cheek a few times, laughing. ``It is nearly six. I was going to head out now.'' + +``Wait, really?'' Ey frowned, twisting around to see the light slowly fading outside. ``Damn.'' + +``Just stay. Do your work. Enjoy a bit more solitude.'' + +``Alright, alright.'' + +She stood up and stretched, padding over to brush some of True Name's head-fur into order. ``And you enjoy your time outdoors. Or melting on the couch, or whatever it is you are doing.'' + +``Mm. Do enjoy yourself, May.'' + +Once May had changed her clothes and stepped away, a few long minutes of silence fell. Ioan finished eir tea. True Name got lost in thought, or perhaps dozed. + +It was, ey realized, the first time they'd been alone together in weeks. The three of them had been cooped up together since both skunks had overflowed. The circumstances had rather forced their hands in the matter, at least until today. + +There was some lingering discomfort in the air, though, some careful distance between them. Something about what memories True Name had of em—something ey couldn't possibly know—and what that meant for them still made its presence known. It wasn't that they hadn't interacted. Far from it, actually. She'd opened up far more than ey'd expected after the merge, watching May practice her monologue, talking about the decades and centuries before ey'd known her, about the time lost between her and the `other side of the clade', about the root of fear that drove the Odists through the centuries. And it wasn't as though they'd not touched. Though far from intimate, the nights she'd spent in their bed were beyond simple casual touches. + +But it was all still very cautious. Those nights felt like a necessity borne out of overwhelming emotion. She and May had touched plenty—True Name had taken to resting her head in the other skunk's lap, enjoying doting affection—but she'd maintained a sheen of that True Name-brand polite professionalism with em. Friendly, to be sure, but still distant. + +\emph{You can just ask, too, you know.} + +``Hey, True Name?'' + +``Mm?'' + +``Have things been awkward since the merge?'' + +She yawned and levered herself up to a sitting position again, rubbing her eyes. She looked like she'd dozed off. ``Awkward how?'' + +``Well, I mean, we spent all that time talking about May and I's relationship beforehand, and how that would impact you.'' Ey pushed emself up to sitting on the beanbag as well, adding, ``Which I have no clue how to feel about, to be clear. Just asking.'' + +``Well, we are of one mind on that front, at least,'' she said, smiling. ``I have no idea, dear. I am\ldots I remain confused about the conflicting memories. Something about the base of my experience of you from the point of view of me \emph{qua} True Name over the last few years feels more\ldots real, perhaps. May I tell you something in confidence?'' + +Ey knit eir brow and nodded. ``Of course.'' + +``Even at her friendliest and most open, May believed that these merges would make me, in some way, a more complete person. Even I began to believe such. The whole clade has spent too long accusing itself of being incomplete people based on our origins.'' She paused to collect her thoughts, looking down at her paws. ``But she killed me, in her own kind way. She who was True Name is dead, and now I am of three minds. I am what remains of True Name and I am May and I am End Waking. There is some unified core—there must be—as I am not strictly May or End Waking, and perhaps that core will yet have some other name, but I am of three minds.'' + +``In terms of conflicts?'' + +She tilted her head thoughtfully. ``I do not feel the pressure of merge conflicts. Not many, at least. I feel tripled. I feel now like True Name, perhaps, and then I feel like May and some time later I will feel like End Waking. I lack the language to describe it. I felt something similar when I was Michelle and Sasha, but even that was not the same. I become less and less sure that I will be a singular person again, and so the reconciliation that remains is one of ensuring that those facets can coexist peacefully, as Sarah says.'' + +``I'm sorry, True Name, that sounds\ldots I don't even know. Impossible.'' + +``Oh, no, do not get me wrong,'' she said, smiling. ``It is not unpleasant. It is not what I—or even May—wanted, but it does not feel like a bad thing. It is difficult, however, as some contexts remain confusing. You are one of those contexts, Ioan.'' + +Not knowing what to say to that, ey simply nodded, feeling the flush of warmth to eir cheeks. + +``Yes, see? Look at you.'' She laughed. ``It is complex for all of us. We are all hyper-aware of boundaries, not even wishing to test them. May is\ldots{}\emph{of} me, and now I am of her, so that boundary is smaller between us, perhaps, but we are all three very aware of \emph{your} boundaries.'' + +``You're telling me,'' ey said, smiling cautiously. ``Every time I think about it, I just wind up feeling super awkward and freeze up, so I have no clue as to how to even begin to approach it.'' + +\protect\hypertarget{cuddle}{}{}``Well, here. May I sit next to you? If it is awkward, then it is awkward. If we find a boundary, we will discuss it, but then at least we will know and quit fucking tiptoeing around the topic, yes?'' + +Ey stiffened, trying to cover a wave of anxiety with a chuckle. ``Uh\ldots well, sure.'' + +For all the confidence in her words, she looked as jittery as ey felt, if the bristle to her tail and cant to her ears was anything to go by. Ey wasn't quite sure what it was that had led her to this particular suggestion, but her expression was in flux—now curious, now eager, now anxious—so perhaps it was those three aspects of her searching for harmony. Still, she pushed herself up off the couch to pad over to the beanbag and settle down next to em. + +Or try to, at least. One does not simply sit next to someone else on a beanbag. The mechanics of an amorphous cushion had the skunk almost immediately slouching against eir side. She flailed as she over-corrected, nearly elbowing em in the stomach in the process. + +``Jesus\ldots you would think\ldots I would know how this works,'' she growled, pushing at the cushion to try and get herself organized. + +``Here, just-- Oh.'' Ey laughed as the skunk gave up and leaned forward with a groan, resting her elbows on her knees and her face in her paws. ``I'd call that pretty awkward, though I don't know if that's what you meant.'' + +``Not exactly, no,'' came her muffled voice. ``But I also feel dreadfully overwhelmed.'' + +Ey leaned away from her as best ey could to give her some space. ``Sorry, True Name.'' + +After a few slow breaths, she shook her head and slumped over to the side, draping herself across eir lap, face buried in her arms on in the beanbag on the other side of eir legs, a jumble of skunk. ``This is stupid, Ioan. This is stupid and it is awkward and it is confusing, just as expected,'' she grumbled. ``Pet my ears, please.'' + +``What? Oh.'' Ey hesitantly brushed fingers over her ears as ey'd done countless times before with May. Her fur felt exactly the same, her voice was very similar, and were it not for the difference in clothes, the slight changes in body shape, and the benefit of almost three decades of time spent living with May, ey could probably have confused one for the other. ``Too awkward?'' + +``I do not know. The closer to another I get, even in just simple proximity, the more\ldots May I become, so the greater part of me is simply pleased to be touched now that we are close, and by none other than you,'' she mumbled against the beanbag. ``But I am not her, so the rest of me is unsure of what to make of it. Completely baffled, even. Do I feel like her to you? We are cut from the same cloth, are we not? This ought to feel the same, yes? Does it?'' + +``Almost exactly,'' ey said, then laughed. ``And not at all.'' + +The skunk squirmed enough to get her tail off to the side and her face away from the fabric of the cushion, resting her chin on folded arms instead. ``That is where I am. It is not unpleasant, and I think I may even enjoy it once the confusion subsides, but I will forever be of three minds.'' + +``Right. I think I understand a little better.'' + +She nodded. ``It may yet be enough for Jonas, but even if not, I think that it will be enough for me. It is stupid and awkward, but-- no, do not stop,'' she interrupted herself, laughing, when ey pulled eir hand away. ``Awkward, but not bad.'' + +They fell into thought, then. Or at least ey did. Ey kept up the careful petting while trying to tease apart eir own feelings on the matter. It all felt too big, impossible to pin down. Even trying to define what True Name was now felt far above eir pay grade. Three at once, or one after the other? Parallel or serial? Both? And yet they'd lived wholly separate, concurrent lives prior to the merges. + +Doubtless there was some way ey could just approach this simply, could just share uncomplicated time with friends. Something about the Odists just made that feel inaccessible, though. All of them were so complex in such roundabout ways, and now True Name triply so. + +\emph{If only I could just turn off the overthinking part of me,} ey thought. Aloud, ey said, ``What do you think you'll do after all of this?'' + +The skunk started at the sound of eir voice. ``Sorry, dear. I must have dozed off. What was that?'' + +Ey smiled and ruffled a hand through the fur between her ears before petting it down again. ``What will you do after this stuff with Jonas? You mentioned the change would be enough for you, but what will that look like?'' + +``I will relax,'' she said, pushing herself slowly upright once more, slouching against eir side more intentionally, this time. ``I will perhaps have a good night's sleep. I will walk sims for days. I will go camping. I will pester you and May, if you two are not sick to death of me by then.'' + +``No, it's fine. A break while you're camping might be nice, but I don't imagine we'll kick you out forever and never see you again,'' ey said, laughing. ``And I hope you won't disappear.'' + +``I will not, you need not worry.'' She shrugged against eir shoulder. ``Beyond that, I do not know. I may write.'' + +``What sorts of things?'' + +``Perhaps a companion volume to your \emph{History}. Something from the inside, such as it were. I will have had three perspectives to draw upon without doing any interviews, yes?'' + +``That would've made life so much easier.'' + +``Why?'' she said, smirking up towards em. ``No shitty skunks getting you all worked up so that you yell at May?'' + +``I didn't yell at her!'' Ey shook eir head, laughing. ``I just called her manipulative.'' + +``Yes, yes, and you called me a crazy in-law.'' She patted eir thigh. ``But yes. I am most looking forward to just unclenching. I would like to travel and see friends and meet people.'' + +``Think you'll try and meet Douglas and see Debarre again, like May said?'' + +There was a long silence, the skunk's features drawn in in thought. ``I remain of three minds. A third of me would like to bask in more solitude than I already have. That me feels crowded and hemmed in. Another third of me is filled with touch-hunger and love for friends I have never met and would like to surround myself with all these people. That me is struggling with loneliness.'' + +``And the True Name third?'' + +She sighed, bringing her tail around to groom it absentmindedly. ``She is scared and unhappy and lost. She, of the three of me, is of two minds. Half of her would like to plan and scheme and wargame to rip that smug look off Jonas's face, and the other half would\ldots but, well, there has been enough quitting in the clade.'' + +Ey hesitated, unsure of what ey could possibly say to those thoughts, then put eir arm around her. Ey at least knew how to comfort the May portion of her, if nothing else. + +``But come, that is enough of that,'' she said decisively. ``Five sixths of me still want to rip that smug look off Jonas's face, so that sad-sack part of me can go have her sulk another time. I would also like to get out. I would like to go to restaurants again, yes, and even see one of your plays, should I be welcome. I want to eat greasy food and drink myself silly after performances. I want to hop sims and dream. New deadline: one month. I want out of here within one month.'' + +``You mean for the meeting with Jonas?'' + +``Yes. I will not schedule it with him yet, just pencil it in—I will exert my own power by giving him short notice—but having that deadline will only help.'' + +``Well, we'll help you get as ready as we can until then,'' ey said. ``And probably get ready ourselves. We'll need to tell End Waking, too.'' + +``Of course, dear,'' she said, then dotted her nose against eir cheek, one of those skunk-kisses ey'd grown so used to. + +They both froze. + +``Fuck. I am sorry, Ioan, a habit--'' + +``Well, that was--'' ey said at the same time, then shook eir head. ``Sorry, True Name. Wasn't expecting that.'' + +She pushed herself quickly to her feet and began pacing before the beanbag, paws brushing over her face, from whiskers all the way up over her ears. Ey would be hard pressed to describe just how, but some faint glimmer of that portion of her that was May visibly fled her expression and that which was True Name asserted dominance. ``Do not apologize. That crossed a boundary, and I need a moment.'' + +Ey frowned. ``It was unexpected, but I don't know if it crossed--'' + +``It crossed one of \emph{my} boundaries,'' she snapped, then forced herself to stand still and slow her breathing as she stared out into the night through the windows. ``I am sorry, Ioan. I did not mean to get snippy with you. As I said, it is awkward and confusing. I feel like I have been given control of some new, unwieldy machine and am only learning how to use it through trial and error.'' + +Ey nodded, tamping down the urge to apologize again. ``Take the space you need.'' + +Her shoulders slumped and identities once more warred in her expression. ``I would like nothing more than to disappear out on the plain, but I should probably stop just running away from such things.'' She smiled tiredly to em and held out a paw to help em stand. ``Come. The least we can do is make dinner. Then we can discuss it further when your partner returns.'' + +\begin{center}\rule{0.5\linewidth}{0.5pt}\end{center} + +May's response to the discussion of encroached boundaries, later that night when she'd returned, knocked both Ioan and True Name off-kilter. She laughed and tousled both eir hair and the fur atop True Name's head, saying, ``Well, took you long enough.'' + +``Wait, what?'' ey asked. + +``I have been placing bets with myself on how long it would take until it came up. Whichever part of me guessed `the minute I leave you two alone together' wins, I guess.'' + +True Name stared coolly at her. ``And here I was worried that you would blow up at me.'' + +``Of course not, my dear. If you are like me, then I, of all people, can guess the hows and whys.'' + +``It mattered quite a bit to me.'' + +``I do not mean to diminish that, True Name.'' She smiled and sat beside her, patting the skunk's paw. + +True Name sighed. ``Thank you, I do believe you, it is just\ldots a heap of complex feelings.'' + +``That much I believe. I want to understand better, though. How are you doing?'' + +``If I say `confused' one more time, I am going to lose my mind. I do not have a better word for it, though. I do not know how to feel about Ioan. I do not know how to feel about myself. I do not know how I feel about the touch. It was fine, I am sure, but I am starting to think that what is so jarring to me is that it was almost an automatic action.'' + +Ioan nodded. ``It felt a bit incongruous because it's a hundred percent something you would've done, May, but not the same context.'' + +``And perhaps that is why it feels fine to me: it is what I would do and so I would expect nothing less from someone with so much of me as part of them now. I would like you both to feel comfortable, of course, but I am more\ldots well, `concerned' is not quite the right word, but focused on the emotional side than you two just physically touching,'' May said, shrugging. ``Though I do appreciate you keeping me apprised. I trust you on that.'' + +``Well, thank you,'' True Name said, rubbing at her eyes, though whether out of exhaustion or to forestall tears, ey couldn't tell. ``The other thing we discussed, though, was setting a deadline of one month to get this shit with Jonas out of the way.'' + +May perked up. ``Are you feeling ready, then?'' + +She laughed, shaking her head. ``I do not think I ever will, but there is little that I can do to change that. I will change and he will do whatever the fuck he wants and I will do my best to wash my hands of it. Will you be ready?'' + +``Sure. I do not imagine my part in it will be big. Just be there to witness, perhaps lose an instance if he decides to go after us, too. Have you spoken with End Waking?'' + +``I sent him a simplex message,'' she said. ``I will ping again tomorrow if he has not replied.'' + +``If he has not had another tree fall on him,'' May grumbled. + +True Name winced. ``A truly unpleasant experience.'' + +``And you, Ioan?'' + +Ey shrugged. ``I've got my notes all in order. I don't want to do it at all, but I'm ready, I guess. Did you talk with Debarre about this?'' + +``No.~I\ldots well, he is not ready to engage, I think. I would like End Waking to bring it up with him, if possible. I have meddled a bit much of late.'' + +True Name smirked, leaned over and tugged at May's tail. ``You have, yes.'' + +May pulled her tail around to hug it protectively. ``I know. I am perhaps as struck by the need to help as Ioan.'' + +The conversation trailed off from there, Ioan and May cozying up and chatting via sensorium messages once True Name had started to doze, using May's thigh as a pillow. She caught em up on gossip from Debarre—one of his boyfriends visited and was, apparently, quite the looker—and ey accused her of leaving em for the weasel, as ey always did when she visited him. + +Eventually, even they fell to silence, and when May started to nod off as well, ey roused the two skunks. ``Come on, beds are comfier than couches.'' + +True Name nodded groggily and stood, swaying for a moment before gaining her balance once more. ``Thank you two for talking this evening.'' + +``Would you like to stay with us tonight?'' May asked. ``If you are this exhausted, I imagine you need it.'' + +She stood silent for a few moments, then nodded. ``If you are willing, yes. I am also happy to sleep out on the plain. Either would be good for me.'' + +``That is why I asked, yes.'' + +When May looked to em, ey sighed. ``Perhaps tomorrow? I need a night to think on things.'' + +True Name's face fell, but she bowed. ``Of course, dear.'' + +Ey reached out and gave her paw a squeeze. ``Thanks, True Name. Tomorrow.'' + +She smiled gratefully and, after a hug from May, made her way through her room and out to her tent on the plain, visible as a bobbing lantern moving through the grass. + +Ioan and May made their way to their own bed and once they were settled in, May asked, ``I do not want to push, my dear, but I would like to hear your thoughts if you need to think on things.'' + +Ey stretched out on eir back and stared up at the ceiling, letting May settle in against eir side to use eir shoulder as a pillow. ``As nerve-wracking as it was in the moment, I think I'm just\ldots over it. Maybe it's the fact that my introduction to your stanza was through you getting all cuddly that it just doesn't feel like a huge deal to me.'' Ey ducked eir chin to kiss atop her snout. ``Though obviously it's complicated, since that led to you and I getting together, but you're also just a cuddly person all around.'' + +She tucked her snout up under eir chin, rubbing it against eir jaw at the ticklish kiss. ``I am, at that. What do you mean by `over it', though?'' + +``I guess after a certain point, it just felt like the anxiety about touch was wildly out of proportion to whatever worries I had. We have other friends we get cozy with.'' Ey grinned, adding, ``She just about fell over when she tried to sit on the beanbag. Would've been funny if she hadn't also started panicking.'' + +``I think she is struggling with touch-hunger.'' + +``She said as much, yeah.'' Ey shrugged, then mumbled an apology for jostling her. ``I guess I'm just used to the fact that one just pets skunks.'' + +``That is just what one does,'' May asserted. ``And not, I will note, what you are doing right now.'' + +Ey laughed and ruffled a hand over her ears before petting the fur down again. ``Fine, fine. But that's what I mean, I guess. It's just how skunks are, in my experience. I'm sure some of it's my denseness around this sort of thing at play, but what made me anxious was her freaking out. She's done a pretty good job of taking our concerns to heart, but I hadn't picked up on her own anxieties until then. I'm over it, but she clearly isn't.'' + +``Well, perhaps all of our preparations only made her more anxious,'' May mumbled, chin dipped low as ey rubbed behind her ears. ``She still has all of those memories of solitude and professionalism, as well.'' + +Given what True Name had said in confidence, ey could certainly imagine a boundary around physicality being tested even in the slightest pushing the May portion of her back and letting that of End Waking or True Name come to the fore. Ey supposed, had they internalized that better beforehand, the conversation that had followed her spike in anxiety would have been different, and perhaps more productive. Ey could have spoken to her as ey might have spoken to True Name \emph{qua} True Name, rather than as ey might to May—even if that original version of her was, as she had said, dead. + +The context shift had just been so fast, though, and despite all the differences ey was primed to see between them, the two skunks still looked and sounded so much alike. Oh well. If it had been fast and confusing for em, doubtless such a shift would have been triply so for her. + +``My dear, I do not know if you intended to say that out loud,'' May said gently. ``May I respond to it?'' + +``Wait, what?'' Ey jolted, leading May to sit up, so ey joined her. ``Oh, damn. Uh\ldots well, when did I start?'' + +``A context shift between me and True Name.'' + +``Shit.'' Ey rubbed eir hands over eir face and groaned. ``Sorry, May. Uh, it was about something True Name shared in confidence.'' + +She frowned, nodded. ``I will not ask you to betray that, of course.'' + +``Maybe I'm more stressed than I'm giving myself credit for, if my mumbling's getting this bad.'' + +The skunk's expression softened and she leaned forward to touch her nose to eirs. ``I do not blame you. There is so much going on these days.'' + +Ey pressed eir nose to hers before leaning back and nodding. ``Right, and I feel like it's all super important all the time. Oh well. What were you going to say? If I can respond, I will.'' + +May shook her head, and nudged em to lay back down. ``No, it is okay. Whether or not you answer is probably too much information to share. I think we are both perhaps too stressed to continue, anyway.'' + +When she lay back down as well, ey wrapped eir arms around her and drew her in for a squeeze. ``Agreed,'' ey said, voice muffled by her soft fur. ``Maybe just focus on being cozy for a bit. Can you teach me how to go into screen-saver mode?'' + +She laughed and squirmed back against em. ``You are an enormous nerd and I love you a lot, Ionuț. I would, but you would just mumble more, I am sure.'' diff --git a/mitzvot/content/040.tex b/mitzvot/content/040.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..07fd898 --- /dev/null +++ b/mitzvot/content/040.tex @@ -0,0 +1,301 @@ +\begin{center}\rule{0.5\linewidth}{0.5pt}\end{center} + +Ioan had never been one for bars. Ey knew that there was an enormous variety of them, that doubtless some would play to eir aesthetic and likes—the one at the base of the System Central Library came quite close—and that not all of them subscribed to the ``if it's louder, that means everyone's having more fun'' school of design. + +There was just something about the idea. Too much that took place in bars was, at best, confusing. At worst, it was distressing. Ey had no desire to be around the types of intoxication that bars seemed to attract. May had a list of types of drunkenness she'd gotten from somewhere, ey knew, and ey didn't like any of them. + +Still, this is where Jonas had requested that they meet when ey messaged him. + +The venue was of the sultry, dark, wood-paneled variety, with warm, dim lamps hanging pendant over each of the tables and a row of lights above the bar itself. Conversations were kept low by the dimness, with groups of three or four huddled in booths while those at the bar drank alone. + +Doubtless Jonas knew of eir distaste. Doubtless this had factored into his decision on venue for this pre-meeting meeting. + +Ah well, at least it wasn't a club. + +Ey stopped by the bar to get a cider of some sort—something sweet, ey hoped; ey didn't know the first thing about ciders—and hunted down an empty booth. The backs of the benches were straight and high, reaching up to the ceiling, leading to a secluded, if not particularly comfortable, space. There, ey sat and sipped eir way slowly through eir cider, waiting for Jonas. + +Ey'd shown up, notebook in hand, half an hour early and was half expecting Jonas to be late, sauntering in lazily at quarter past, a way of pressing the dynamic between them, but he arrived right on time, picked up a drink from the bar, and hunted Ioan down. Ey stood to bow to Jonas, then froze. Zacharias stepped into the sim, as well, grinned widely at the sight of Ioan mid-bow. Before even making his way to the table, the fox gave an exaggerated curtsey. + +``Ioan, wonderful to see you again,'' Jonas said, grinning. ``My most foppish lackey decided to tag along, I trust you won't mind.'' + +``Of course,'' ey said through gritted teeth. ``The more the merrier.'' + +``Precisely, precisely.'' Jonas raised his martini glass in a toast and gestured back to the table and Ioan's half-finished drink. ``Shall we?'' + +Ey nodded and slid back into the booth while Jonas scooted in on the other side of the table, leaving room for Zacharias. + +The fox was only a moment in arriving, showing up with some shockingly yellow drink in a coupe glass. ``Ioan, my dear. Wonderful to see you again.'' + +``Please don't call me `my dear','' ey said, setting up a cone of silence. There was anger, there, somewhere beneath the surface, but ey was somewhat surprised to feel it almost completely overridden by exhaustion, something ey hadn't felt before the two had arrived. + +``My love? My--'' he began, voice mocking. There was a thump beneath the table and he quickly cut off with a loud yelp, jolting away from Jonas, eyes wide. + +``Shut up, Zacharias,'' Jonas said mildly, plucking the maraschino cherry out of his drink and dropping it in the fox's. ``Business now, prattle later.'' + +Zacharias sat, frozen, for a moment longer before wiping up some of his spilled drink with a bar napkin. His eyes were still wide, darting between Ioan and his boss. ``Right.'' + +\emph{Another show of power, most likely,} ey thought. \emph{Why else bring him with?} + +``So,'' ey said aloud. ``As I said in the message, We'd like to meet in two days' time. Systime 251+139, 11:00.'' + +Mid-sip, Jonas waved his hand vaguely. ``Of course, of course,'' he said, setting his glass back down. ``Whenever you're ready, like I said. But come, how are you Ioan? You look tired.'' + +Ey stared at him, trying to piece together how worth it was to actually answer the question. Ey \emph{was} tired, yes. The night before had been a stressful one once ey'd received the request for this additional meeting from Jonas. True Name stayed up late in conversation with both May and End Waking about some clade business ey'd not been privy to, leading to em pacing in the darkened yard for nearly an hour, spring lilacs leaving the air almost too thick to breathe. Ey'd eventually given up on waiting for the skunks. Ey knew if ey stayed up any later, ey'd simply wind up standing at the windows and watching their fire out on the plain. + +\emph{``I think I'm going to head to bed,''} ey had sent May. \emph{``I'm just going to keep cycling if I stay up.''} + +There was a hint of a whine to her reply. \emph{``I am sorry, Ioan, I did not realize how late it had gotten. Do you want me to send a fork back?''} + +\emph{``I don't know, will they be intolerable and antsy?''} + +\emph{``Oh, absolutely,''} she had replied, and ey could hear the grin in her voice. \emph{``But I will still send one if you would like.''} + +\emph{``No, it's alright. Just no sleeping out there, okay?''} + +\emph{``Of course. We will return soon.''} + +It was nearly two hours later when the skunks had returned as promised. Two hours of tossing and turning in bed, fretting and fretting and fretting. Eventually, the three of them had fallen into their usual positions, though despite the added rest that this usually brought True Name, none of them had slept well. + +When there was no wink and smile from Jonas, ey let eir shoulders sag and nodded. ``Tired, yeah. We're all tired. Just want this over with.'' + +``And True Name? How's she?'' he asked, still apparently sincere. + +``Look, Jonas, what are you after? We're tired. She's upset. We just want to get on with our lives, and it's all on you.'' + +``Well, sure, but now my workload's doubled,'' he said, and there at last was the wink. ``Though in all seriousness, I'm just trying to gauge what to expect. May Then My Name and End Waking will be there, too, right?'' + +``Yes,'' ey said coolly, adding to Zacharias, ``Will you?'' + +``Would not miss it for the world,'' the fox said. His ebullience was notably restrained, still, but the grin had returned. He tapped the side of his snout, ``Cartoonishly evil, remember?'' + +\emph{I liked you better when Jonas was stomping on your toes,} ey thought. + +``So you said,'' ey said aloud. + +``And how is May Then My Name?'' Zacharias asked. ``I know precious little about my down-tree instance, you know. I trust that she is well?'' + +``She is also upset.'' + +The fox gasped, mock-effrontery filling his voice. ``Not because of me!'' + +``It has been a stressful few months. She doesn't want True Name coming to any harm, either.'' + +Zacharias scoffed. + +Ey put on eir best smile. ``Though yes, she told me that she knew there were still old forks around, but that she'd left them to their own devices and knew nothing about them, so she's surprised to have met you.'' + +``How very diplomatic,'' he replied, grinning. ``Well, I can assure you that the pleasure was all mine.'' + +``So why am I here?'' + +Jonas shrugged. ``You mean aside from the fact that I get to see your face when you talk about your skunks? It's fun dragging people around.'' + +Restraining the urge to bridle at `your skunks', ey gave a hint of a bow. ``And what can you tell me about this meeting? I imagine you've got some grand plans about surprising True Name with your ideas for the future, but if nothing else, it'd help me to know what I'm getting into before I get into it.'' + +``Oh, excellent question!'' + +Ey posted the cap of eir pen and nodded for Jonas to continue. + +``I said it was an excellent question, not that I'd answer you, Ioan.'' + +``I think you will.'' + +``And why's that?'' + +``Because you love to hear yourself talk,'' ey said. ``And because Zacharias is right. This is almost cartoonishly evil, and villains love talking about their grand schemes. I'm ready for your monologue.'' + +Jonas raised his eyebrows and a slow grin spread over his features. That feverish glint ey'd seen last time shone through for a moment before it was suppressed again. The idea that Jonas might be losing it made em anxious. \emph{Stretched too thin, maybe?} + +``You see, this is why I like you, Ioan,'' Jonas said. ``The whole Bălan clade, that is. You hit that sweet spot between patient and impatient where you can stay calm, but you don't just wait forever.'' + +Ey waited. + +``Alright then, a bit of a preview.'' He finished half of his drink in a few swallows. ``There's a bunch of changes coming in the pipeline--'' + +``This AVEC?'' + +Zacharias frowned, but Jonas was already nodding, ``Got it in one. That's right at the top of the list. See, the LVs are too far away to communicate effectively with phys-side, getting further every day, and that puts us in a unique position, here. Suddenly, we differ from the LVs in a fundamental way. I really can't overstate how big of a deal this is, Ioan.'' + +``Suddenly we have to prove our greener grass to those phys-side.'' + +``Right. The direction that we need to take with Lagrange can't just be the same old one we've been taking before. In this, True Name and I differ.'' He shrugged, rocking his glass gently back and forth on the table before taking another sip. ``She wanted to continue on her path of subtlety, I disagreed.'' + +Ey snorted. ``Disagreed? You tried to assassinate her, Jonas.'' + +``What are bullets but a disagreement?'' + +Ioan rolled eir eyes. + +``You and I disagree, then. It's like I said, though, sometimes mommies and daddies fight, Ioan. We've spent the past few years trying to hash it out. For all her focus on subtlety in guiding the System, she can be a real bitch when it comes to trying to get her point across.'' + +``Bullshit,'' ey said flatly. + +Jonas laughed. ``Oh?'' + +``Yeah. A few reasons.'' Ey started ticking off points on eir fingers as ey spoke. ``First, True Name didn't start down this path in the last few years that we've been learning from Artemis; she was a mess when she first got in touch with us with Codrin\#Castor's first letter during convergence, so things were already in motion then. Second, The Guiding Council on Pollux is almost two decades old now, predating the arrival of the Artemisians by years, and I think that's because third, you--'' Ey nodded to Zacharias. ``--apparently dropped everything on her across all three Systems at the same time not that long after the launch. You two got more openly together on Pollux, and as far as Codrin\#Castor can find in the perisystem, you quit shortly after telling her there. End Waking thinks—and I agree—you're trying to push each of the Systems in a different direction politically. Maybe you think having different political environments is more stable across societies separated by distance and time. Maybe it's some giant experiment. Who knows. It's your long game.'' + +The longer ey spoke, the more serious Jonas's expression grew, and by the time ey finished, he'd leaned back in his seat. ``Well then,'' he said. ``I suppose I don't have much more to add, then, do I? I have my conversation with True Name cut out for me.'' + +``And what conversation is that?'' + +Jonas was back to grinning. ``Oh, fuck off, Ioan. I'm not going to tell you all of my secrets! We have our shit to work through and you have to be a good little clerk and take all of your notes so that you can come back to me with a story to publish. That'll seal the deal, and we'll be ready to go our separate ways.'' + +Ey gave a hint of a bow. ``As you say. It's settled, then, right? Two days, 11:00?'' + +``That it is. Bring your pen and paper,'' Jonas said, lifting his glass in a final toast before downing his drink in one go. + +``Right.'' + +Ey didn't hear if there was a reply or not. Ey simply quit. \#Tracker could take care of the rest. + +Ioan\#Tracker set eir pen down with exaggerated care, closing eir notebook, then eir eyes. This was anger in so many ways, though it differed from that hot, spiky shape spinning within em that came with Zacharias's bullshit. It was a pressure within eir chest, a tension in eir shoulders, a pounding in eir head. + +``\emph{Fuck!}'' ey shouted. Ey fell back into the paced breathing exercises that Sarah had showed em years ago. It had originally been in the context of helping May, at the time, but ey needed anything ey could get, now. + +``\emph{I take it you are back, then?}'' May's words over the sensorium message were tentative, anxious. Clearly tension was still high. + +\emph{``Yes,''} ey replied. \emph{``I'm coming outside.''} + +Ey didn't wait for the ping of acknowledgement. Even if they weren't ready for em to be out there, ey needed to talk at least a little, get some of the weight of the conversation off eir shoulders. Ey needed to be around eir partner and friends. Ey needed to be out of that context, away from pens and paper and books and work. + +The afternoon was settling into evening, and the plain was littered with dozens of skunks. As ey walked toward True Name's tent, though, they began to quit in small groups until it was just the three root instances kneeling around a small fire, over which they were roasting sausages. + +After bowing to End Waking and getting eir hug and skunk-kiss from both May and True Name, ey sat cross-legged between them. Once ey'd gathered emself, ey said, ``That was a whole lot of bullshit. How far off is food?'' + +End Waking used the tip of his knife to nudge at a few of the sausages, turning them over on the grill cantilevered over the fire. ``Not long. Would you prefer to wait to share, then?'' + +``Yeah. Maybe if I have food in me, I won't shout.'' + +``That was quite loud, my dear,'' May said, claiming one of eir hands to hold. ``I am glad you did not die.'' + +Dinner was quiet, but not unpleasant. Gentle wind through the grass, the crackling of the fire and the spit of grease from the sausages, the gamy tang of ground venison tempered with barley and herbs. + +``Did he wind you up that badly?'' May asked once they'd finished. + +``Well, yes and no. He and Zacharias were both there.'' + +Both May and True Name flinched at the name, True Name's shoulders slumping. ``So, yes. Winding you up.'' + +Ey nodded. ``I'd guessed that much, at least. I think the whole meeting was a form of that. He even admitted such, saying that he set it up mostly so that he could `drag me around'. I called him on it.'' + +``I do not imagine that did any good,'' End Waking mumbled. + +``Oh, not at all. The thing is, it wasn't just winding me up, though. I also think he just wanted to hear himself talk. I think he wanted to talk about all his plans because he knows his words are going to wind up in whatever I write, so he wants to get all that he can in there.'' + +``And worded as he would like,'' True Name said, nodding. ``No matter what we manage to come up with, he wants to ensure that the narrative has him coming out on top.'' + +``I still don't understand, though,'' ey said. ``Why be so transparently villainous if he's specifically having me write something to be read by the public?'' + +``The same reason I wound you and Codrin up. If it is just a little too sensational to be real, then he can get away with more than he might otherwise. Jonas assassinating True Name? True Name who probably assassinated Qoheleth? It is just too much to be real, but it sure is good reading, is it not?'' + +``Makes me feel like something of a punching bag,'' ey said, then sighed. ``I think I'm starting to understand what Codrin\#Castor was talking about in terms of getting yanked around a bit better.'' + +True Name winced and averted her gaze. ``I am sorry, Mx. Bălan.'' + +``Shit, I'm sorry.'' Ey reached over to give the skunk's paw a squeeze. ``That was a different time, I'm not trying to put that on you now.'' + +She patted the back of eir hand with her other paw, a somewhat stiff gesture, and, as always when the topic of strife in the past came up, ey could sense more of End Waking in her than True Name or May. ``Thank you, Ioan. I do appreciate it. It is an unfortunate reality that politics is the science of yanking people around. Add in being an actor, and, well,'' she said, then shrugged. + +``I understand, yeah.'' Ey retrieved eir hand, choosing instead to gently tug May closer. She leaned against eir side gratefully. ``Do you have a plan you think might work out, then? You don't have to tell me, I know you're keeping it amongst yourselves.'' + +End Waking nodded. ``There is a good chance of it working, yes. Not a perfect chance, and there are many possible holes that he may exploit in the moment.'' + +True Name nodded. ``If nothing else, I think that it will buy me a quiet retirement.'' + +``A quiet retirement alive is still good, right? It'll be a life,'' ey said. + +``It may not be an ideal life, but it will be a life, yes.'' + +``And hopefully still a good one, in the end,'' May added. + +``Yes. If I am honest, a less than ideal but still good life is far more than I had in front of me even before all of this nonsense.'' She smiled wryly. ``Perhaps I ought to thank him for that. I am not unhappy with what I have now, even.'' + +The conversation wound down from there, and as evening dimmed into night, they fell into silence. The fire was kept low, only enough light and warmth to keep the dark at bay. + +Eventually, with eir lower back hurting and May starting to nod off, they made their goodnights. True Name gave em and May each a hug around the shoulders and a nose-dot to the cheek—something they'd all grown more comfortable with over the last few weeks—and padded off to her tent. End Waking stated that he was going to watch the fire for a while longer and then head to bed himself—he'd set up a tent of his own a ways off from True Name's for this fork to sleep in—leaving May and Ioan to walk back to the house together in the dark. + +``I'm happy to hear her talking about a future,'' Ioan said, once they'd cleaned up and made their way to bed, em slouched against the headboard and May in eir lap, slouched against eir front in turn. + +``I am too, yes. I am pleased that other than a few short fits, she has been at worst determined, and at best hopeful.'' + +Ey nodded and tucked eir chin up over the skunk's head. ``I think that's where I am, yeah. I want this over with, and sometimes it even feels like this might even be the best outcome for everyone.'' + +``For everyone?'' + +``Well, Jonas gets what he wants and he can go play his games elsewhere, End Waking gets his feelings understood, and True Name gets to go live a life doing whatever it is she wants, right?'' + +She nodded. ``And what of us?'' + +Ey chuckled, the sound somewhat muffled by the position. ``Well, I'll be happy for her, and you and I will continue being disgustingly adorable or whatever it is she accuses us of being.'' + +May laughed. ``Well, yes. I will be happy for her and will continue loving you.'' + +``Love you too, May.'' + +``See? Gross.'' She giggled and hugged tighter around eir middle. ``Will you let her continue to live here?'' + +Shrugging carefully, ey murmured, ``It'll be a conversation between the three of us. I've gotten used to it, so I'm happy to have her stick around if she wants.'' + +``Same,'' the skunk said. ``It is not perfect, but nothing that cannot be fixed by modifying the sim and nailing down some boundaries.'' + +``I'm looking forward to getting in touch with Serene, yeah.'' Ey hesitated, then asked gently, ``Are there boundaries she's crossed?'' + +``No, I do not think so, but it might be nice to understand the shape of our friendships when we are not waiting on some potentially life-or-death event.'' + +``I still get tripped up over you even calling her a friend,'' ey said, grinning. ``If she'd needed to move in even a year ago, I think you would've ripped her head off two days in.'' + +May laughed and lifted her snout to nudge at eir chin firmly. ``Would not. I would have been impossible to live with, though. Whining and bitching and stress-shedding everywhere.'' + +``Oh, so like normal, then.'' + +She sat up in eir lap and poked em in the chest with a dull claw. ``Rude.'' + +Ey grinned. ``Well, okay, not stress-shedding, just normal shedding.'' + +She scrubbed a paw at her flank until she came up with a little bit of shed fur to sprinkle over eir front. ``Yes, yes. But I can say the same for you, my dear. A year ago, I do not think I could have pictured her giving you a goodnight kiss.'' + +Covering for the heat rising to eir cheeks by brushing the errant fur off eir front, ey shrugged. ``That's on you. I'm used to skunks being all touchy.'' + +``Yes, but True Name?'' + +``I'm not sure she's that anymore,'' ey said carefully. ``So I guess you're right. I couldn't imagine the True Name of a year ago giving goodnight kisses to anyone, much less you and me.'' + +She grinned, nodding. ``Agreed, yes. And you are okay with it?'' + +Ey shrugged. ``Like I said, I'm used to it. It occasionally strikes me as incredibly strange. Even just talking about it now feels weird. There's this whole, dramatic plot to take out one of the most prominent people on the System, and here we are, talking about goodnight kisses.'' + +``It is not that weird. It is an artifact of our lives. Death has a different flavor to it when we fork and quit on a whim, living for centuries at a time.'' She set to work brushing her fingers through eir hair. Weird to be petted, but it felt good, so ey never stopped her. She continued, ``Which is not to say that it is not important and anxiety inducing to have almost lost one's life, just that, with a modicum of care, she \emph{can} continue living, if in a restricted fashion, even if she were to miss the deadline. With less fear of death comes greater love.'' + +Eyes closed and chin tucked nearly to eir chest, ey hummed thoughtfully. ``I suppose, yeah. I didn't have much life outside the System that I can compare, never mind love.'' + +May giggled. ``I was not speaking of romance, my dear.'' + +Ey snorted, shaking eir head. ``Neither was I, you nut. I just meant Rareș and my parents.'' + +``Well, touché. We do not have very good language around love, in my defense.'' She ruffled eir hair and ey could hear the smirk in her voice as she said, ``Not that that will ever stop me from teasing you about falling in love with her.'' + +Ey laughed and poked at her side a few times, hunting for that ticklish spot. ``Who's rude now, hmm?'' + +Giggling helplessly, May squirmed until she tipped off eir lap, curling protectively into a ball. ``It is just so easy, Ionuț! Do not blame me!'' + +``I know, I know, and it's your job as an Odist to fuck with me, \emph{et cetera, et cetera},'' ey said, slipping down into bed alongside the skunk, getting eir arms around her. ``I like her, but\ldots well, whatever. It's complicated.'' + +She twisted in eir arms and wormed her way back against em, shaking her head. ``No, you cannot just leave it at that. You have further thoughts and I want to hear.'' + +``Further ammo for teasing, you mean.'' + +``Well, yes, but I do still want to hear.'' + +Ey sighed. ``Fine. I just\ldots well, I guess I'm sort of in the same boat as her, in that it's something I can picture, even if I can't understand it. She's so much like you—in terms of looks and voice and now personality from the merge—that I can imagine what that'd be like, and both she and End Waking are my friends, so there's that, too. But the context of her being True Name makes it hard to picture the\ldots I don't know. Process?'' + +``The concept versus the mechanics, maybe?'' + +``Yeah, I think so.'' Ey grinned and kissed the back of one of her ears. ``But that's about as far as I get thinking about it before I'm distracted by this or that.'' + +``Organizing your pen collection is usually what I accuse you of,'' she said. + +``Mmhm. I guess it's the same as when you and I got together. I could kind of picture it, but had no clue beyond that.'' + +She hugged eir arm to her front and nodded. ``Well, whatever happens, happens. We will talk about it.'' + +``Another time,'' ey mumbled, pushing eir face into her soft fur, coarser guard hairs tickling eir cheeks. ``I can't imagine I'm going to be able to sleep tomorrow night, so we might as well get some tonight.'' diff --git a/mitzvot/content/041.tex b/mitzvot/content/041.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..c800a42 --- /dev/null +++ b/mitzvot/content/041.tex @@ -0,0 +1,483 @@ +\begin{center}\rule{0.5\linewidth}{0.5pt}\end{center} + +``I cannot help but feel that I am walking into my own execution tomorrow,'' True Name admitted. ``I know that I am leaving behind a fork, that I will not be completely destroyed, but that does not wholly negate the sense of impending death.'' + +Ioan and May both nodded. + +``Is it just the finality of it all?'' May asked. + +``Perhaps. Perhaps it is just the inability to predict beyond that point. I am coming up to a corner I have never seen around, and whatever predictive powers I may have fail me.'' + +Ioan could at least understand the worries about heading into the unknown. The same feeling had been dogging em since after eir meeting with Jonas, since ey'd seen that cool look on his face when ey'd apparently preempted so much of the upcoming meeting's discussion. One minute, that would feel like a good thing—perhaps they would make it through essentially unscathed—and the next ey'd worry that ey'd made a complete mistake, that ey'd somehow tipped their hand by letting Jonas know just how predictable he was. + +Neither True Name nor May could say one way or another when ey'd voiced eir concerns with them. + +The whole day had been scattered for them. May spent much of it glued to eir side as ey did eir best to organize eir notes in eir head for the upcoming meeting. She couldn't seem to pin herself down to one set of feelings, first laughing and joking about beating Zacharias up, then burying her face against eir shoulder and refusing to speak, ears laid flat. + +For her part, True Name couldn't seem to stay pinned to any one of her three identities. + +Ey was at least getting more adept at spotting them in her features. There was a bright focus when that of True Name—the old True Name, that was—came to the fore. Her expression would become attentive, defaulting to a slight smile and eyebrows (such as they were on a skunk's features) just slightly raised. When that of End Waking showed itself in her, she'd keep her eyes half-lidded, and her gaze was far more attuned to any movement. The rest of her own movements would still, as well. She would walk quieter, more gracefully. She would speak less. + +And when that of May came to the fore, that was when ey was at eir most confused. + +Ey had had no idea how to feel about her back when she was just True Name. Had ey really been so hesitant to call her a friend? Memories tattled on em, there: ey'd shied away from the term or qualified it every time it arose. That had only loosened up when her life was at risk, when she'd been forced to move in with them, and ey'd been forced in turn to acknowledge that her words, \emph{I suppose it is just nice to have a friend}, had stuck with em more than ey'd cared to admit. The rest of that conversation had been full of equivocations, clarifications, delineations, and all those habits of guardedness from two decades of wariness over anything that carried a whiff of manipulation had tried to assert themselves over em once more. + +But no, there was something about the Ode clade that just happened to click with the Bălan clade, no matter what form or name they took, that just fell directly into friendship. It was the way they spoke, perhaps. Those complete sentences that left em uncoiling parts of emself ey hadn't known were coiled in the first place. + +Ey didn't know what it was that they saw in em in turn. There was the unspoken matter of the pronouns of the owner of the Name, and, as May had once whispered to em late one night, eir tendency to lean on rumination, on quietness and exactitude, that reminded her of someone she refused to name. Were they so alike, em and whoever had touched Michelle Hadje so long ago? Had ey and Michelle been contemporaries phys-side, would they have wound up in a relationship? Ey had no clue how to ask such a thing of them. + +All ey knew is that, as Codrin had put it in a letter, ``The Odists love hard and they love deep and they love fast, and it's hard not to become intoxicated beneath all that love.'' + +So, what was ey to do when that of eir partner, of the one ey loved most in the world, shone through in someone else? When that of May rose to prominence in True Name's expression, she was not May. She wasn't May at all. She was of three minds, and none of them were wholly absent whenever one asserted primacy. + +And yet there it was, all that drew em towards May, even if it wasn't her, right in front of em. What was ey to do with that? + +That ey didn't know, that ey hadn't the language, kept em from speaking of it with True Name just yet. It wasn't out of any need to hide, not out of any embarrassment—though ey'd freely admit to eir shyness—that ey kept it from her. Ey just didn't know how to say that, when she seemed most like May, ey was at eir most confused without turning it into a series of questions and I-don't-knows. + +The one time ey'd brought it up with May, the idea still as yet unseasoned, she had done as she ever would, and teased em gently about `falling in love with her' and then settled into a series of gently probing questions, trying to tease out things that ey already knew but did not yet have the words for. + +It hadn't gone anywhere. Ey'd eventually had to put the conversation on hold out of a combination of stress and the feeling that ey ought to keep True Name's discussion on her newfound multiplicity in the face of May's desire for some more complete unity to emself. + +So they did what they could to prepare or relax for the rest of that last day. True Name walked her prairie several times over, then came in and sat close by, then busied herself up in her head. May clung to em. Ey sorted notes. + +There was no discussion whether or not she would be staying with them that night. The three of them simply wound up in eir and May's bed, sitting or kneeling on the soft mattress while they did their best to talk about little nothings. Ioan tried to explain Romanian curses to them. May and True Name spoke earnestly about a movie ey'd never heard of. And under it all, an ever-rising current of stress lay, slowly taking over their words until they couldn't speak any longer, could only curl beneath the covers, sharing some more fundamental comfort. + +Surprising all three of them, they did manage to get at least some sleep that night. It wasn't \emph{good} sleep, as, at one point or another, each of them woke with a start, but they managed a few hours of dozing. + +Once the sky began to lighten, though, they pulled themselves blearily out of bed, Ioan making four mugs of coffee—two black, two sweet and milky—so that they could troop back out onto the plain and wake End Waking up—or, as it turned out, greet him at the small fire he'd started—and offer him a cup. + +``There is no more rehearsing to be done,'' he said, once they'd shed some of their grogginess. ``We risk practice making permanent, at this point. All we can do is hope to remain as centered as possible throughout.'' + +Both of the other skunks nodded, and Ioan had to quell eir instinct to disagree. They were too tired, too keyed up, too quick to overanalyse to get anything out of forking across the prairie to wargame however many countless scenarios. Better for the four of them to sit around the low fire, sip their coffee, and watch the sun rise, May slouched against eir side and True Name and End Waking sitting apart, silent. + +Eventually, however, coffee long gone, they forked. End Waking and True Name's down-tree instances each went to their tents to sit and meditate as best they could, while May and Ioan's down-tree instances returned home to try baking a cake—something demanding enough while still remaining relatively mindless. + +The only words they spoke to each other was May saying, ``Good luck, have fun, and do not die.'' + +The four forks held hands and paws and, with nothing other than a shared, shaky breath, stepped from the sim. + +End Waking immediately flinched, crouched. They found themselves in a boardroom. A large plain of a table, notepads and pens, a second table huddling against the wall with a pitcher of water and a stack of too-small glasses. + +And yet it still felt too small—even to Ioan, who spent more of eir life inside than unbound in a forest, the ceiling was just a few inches too low, the chairs just a few inches too close to the walls. Too small, and yet too long. There was room for a table half again as long, and yet the table was set in one end of the room, leaving the other end unbalanced, empty other than a wheeled whiteboard. End Waking, who hadn't been indoors, never mind in a room too small, in nigh on a century, looked on the verge of panic. His eyes were wide, tail hiked and bristled, paws clenched in a way that reminded em of May. + +``I do not know if I am able--'' + +May squeezed his paw tightly. ``You do not need to keep these memories, skunk, but you cannot leave.'' She added in a near whisper, ``Please do not leave me.'' + +His nod was jerky, distracted, but still a nod. + +And yet, the room was empty. \emph{Perfect time to pull the late-to-the-meeting power move.} + +Sure enough, 11:00 rolled around, no Jonas. + +It wasn't until nearly ten after that the door swung lazily open and Jonas strolled in, followed by Zacharias and the rest of the eighth stanza—\emph{no, Zacharias is part of that, too,} ey thought. \emph{There's only Odists, Jonas, and me here.} + +``True Name! Delighted to see you, delighted,'' Jonas said, grinning widely and giving the barest hint of a bow. + +The skunk had apparently amped up all that she could of her old self, as her smile was earnest and wide, and her bow the perfect mix of polite and friendly. ``Glad you could make it, my dear. I trust you have been well?'' + +He shifted smoothly to accommodate this response. ``Quite well, quite well. Feels like it's been a bit of a vacation for the both of us, eh? You enjoy a bit of time off at the lake?'' + +That grin of hers widened, and she nodded. ``Quite a bit, actually. We never quite got to roasting marshmallows, but it is really hard to go wrong with potatoes roasted in the embers. They get a little smoky, even the insides.'' + +End Waking stared at True Name as though she was an Artemisian, suddenly having made their way across the light-days back to Lagrange. Hell, Ioan was staring at her like she was an alien. So quickly and smoothly had her anxiety been transmuted into this calm, friendly social efficiency that it was as though the last months had been erased from her features. + +There was some other conversation going on here, ey realized. It wasn't just that they were talking pleasantries before a meeting, but that there was an exchange of information that took place on some subtler plane of existence. They were feeling each other out, listening to tone of voice more than the content of words, watching features and postures rather than seeing an old friend. There was some deeper level of communication that ey simply couldn't latch onto. + +With that in mind, ey could at least do eir best to focus on the less direct forms of language around the room. + +True Name had talked em through the stanza and their roles beforehand, at least. She herself had been focused on the politics, of course, but also acted as consensus builder among the members of her stanza. + +Ey knew well that May had been focused on swaying individual hearts and minds toward a cause that initially had been True Name's, and then later simply shaped by her as best as could be managed. + +End Waking had been instrumental in tracking, understanding, and to whatever level possible, influencing financial markets phys-side, though he'd admitted to Ioan, one night out on the plain, that the chances that he'd actually had a dramatic effect on the markets was astoundingly low and that the financial trajectory had likely been set by forces larger than they could manage—at least, that was the hope that had kept him going. + +Ey knew the two 'Why's from the history: Why Ask Questions, Here At The End Of All Things was the frightfully friendly crowd-rouser who had worked with groups of individuals sys-side, while Why Ask Questions When The Answers Will Not Help had focused on similar tactics phys-side. However, given that her task was limited to text, she seemed notably out of her element in in-person interactions, coming off as petty and cruel as often as funny and sarcastic. + +The Only Time I Dream Is When I Need An Answer had acted as a manager, scheduler, and clerk for the enterprise. Wickedly intelligent, she had done more than block in times for meetings; she had organized meetings between precisely the right individuals at precisely the right times. + +To Know One's True Name Is To Know God had settled comfortably into data analysis, collecting both the raw data that she could from the perisystem feeds and the net phys-side as well as the information collected by her cocladists and the Jonases. She was a being of reports. + +To Know God Is To Answer Unasked Questions had done her best to specialize in the fields of information and game theory, but this had more often come down to simple information security and hygiene. She decided where and how far information traveled. + +Do I Know God When I Do Not Remember Myself and Do I Know God When I Dream worked as a mismatched pair. When I Do Not Remember worked as a propagandist while When I Dream worked almost entirely on the perisystem, translating back and forth for eir cocladists and finding the best way to worm eir way through the inter- and intrasystem text channels. + +Were ey pressed to name each of them without knowing this information, ey didn't think ey'd be able to. Ey knew the three skunks of the stanza and could readily tell them apart, but the rest simply looked like a gaggle of the very same woman: short, soft, round face and curly black hair. However, there were indeed differences there to be seen. Why Ask Questions was just a centimeter or two taller and more open of expression. When I Do Not Remember and When I Dream both had a fixedness to their expression that ey could not quite explain; perhaps something that lingered from decades and centuries spent interacting with the abstract. + +As it was, ey did eir best to guess, and when introductions made their way around the table, ey found eir guesses to be correct in each case. + +At last, the parade of bows and greetings out of the way, each of the thirteen—counting em, Jonas, and Zacharias—pulled out a chair and sat down, though ey noted that End Waking didn't sit so much as hover on the very edge of his seat. He still looked wide-eyed, feral. + +``Aaalright,'' Jonas said, plopping his hands, palm down, on the table. ``To business. I'm pleased to see you're alive, but can't say that I'm pleased to see you're about.'' + +``I imagine not, no,'' True Name replied, folding her paws on the table before her. ``From what Ioan says, you know the general facts of what I know. There has been a long-running plan, perhaps mostly operating as a back-up, to shift one or more of me to the side depending on the status of the System. This revolved around the use of Zacharias as a tool to shape my responses while incomplete information kept me from recognizing this. Tell me, though. Are you still leaning on the multiple-Systems-multiple-governments strategy?'' + +Jonas nodded. ``Yes. Oligarchy on Pollux, \emph{status quo} on Castor, and invisible monarchy here on Lagrange.'' + +``You believe that this tripod will be the most stable political structure?'' + +``I know you don't agree, but it's not a tripod, True Name. By this point, the three Systems are so far apart that they are no longer three branches of the same government. They're three countries, and three countries with identical governments yet divergent societies are unstable.'' + +True Name made that setting-aside gesture, as though tabling the topic for the moment. ``And you,'' she said, nodding to Zacharias. Her expression was calm, curious, interested. ``You have been working on this with Jonas since around systime 36?'' + +``Oh, thereabouts,'' he said, grinning. ``Though if I am honest, I have always been working with the two of you. It is not that your own goals had no effect on me, my little stink bug. I played Jonas as much as I played you, and I played my own game when I could.'' + +``Bullshit,'' True Name said calmly, turning back to Jonas. ``And so what is it that--'' + +``Oh, fuck you,'' Zacharias laughed. ``You do not get to dismiss me so easily. You and I rule together, quite literally, in another life. There is no reason that I should simply be waved away.'' + +``Nah, it's bullshit,'' Jonas said, just as calm as True Name. ``If you were worth anything to this conversation, you would've been part of the preparations.'' + +``What--'' + +``You say that you are part of the stanza, do you not?'' The Only Time I Dream, the manager of the enterprise, said. + +``I am, but--'' + +``I see no evidence of such.'' + +``But May Then My Name--'' + +``May Then My Name, do you claim Zacharias as yours?'' + +She shrugged. ``Claim? No.~I do not know this Zacharias.'' + +``That is--'' + +Jonas laughed, ``Just shut up, Zacharias.'' + +``No,'' the fox growled, his whiskers all abristle and claws digging at the tabletop. ``I played my role, but that does not mean that I am some disposable Judas here. A role is as much the actor as it is-- \emph{stop!}'' + +There was a loud thump beneath the table, though this time, Zacharias appeared to have pulled his foot away in time to keep his toes from being stomped on. Instead, he pushed himself away from the table and to his feet. A brief flicker of ungrounded rage flashed across Jonas's face, but was quickly replaced by that bright, friendly grin. + +``Fine, fuck you too, then.'' + +There was no signal—or if there was, Ioan missed it—for Guōweī to step into the sim, hand already raised as if for a slap, a short blade held between his fingers. Unassuming, easy to carry, symbolic, and certainly crowded with whatever virus it was that induced a crash in one's instance. + +What happened next happened almost too quickly for em to comprehend. Zacharias shouted, but the cry was cut off in a muffled \emph{oomf} as an instance of May appeared near him, almost totally overlapping the space that he'd occupied. The collision algos knocked him backwards with enough force to slam him against the door, leaving him to crumple to the floor. + +Guōweī's palm came down flat against May's shoulder, but there was no time to see whether or not the virus would affect an instance so far diverged, as that instance of her quit and was immediately replaced with another one, this overlapping the assassin's space, knocking him back nearly a meter, only for the skunk to fork again to repeat the maneuver. With the momentum already in play, this sent the man flying, his head cracking against the wall hard enough to leave a sizeable dent in the drywall. + +And then it was over. Zacharias's yell faltered, and he stared up, wide eyed, with his gaze darting between Jonas and the remaining instance of May. Jonas had lurched away, looking more disgusted than startled. + +``Get the fuck out of here,'' the instance of May growled. ``And if I ever, \emph{ever} see you again, you had better believe that I will take you out myself.'' + +And then the instance quit, followed less than a second later by the fox rolling to the side to slip out of the sim. Ey imagined that if Jonas, True Name, and May would all do their best to destroy the fox on sight, the chances of seeing him again were low indeed. + +Ey'd never seen a look like that on May's face, though, even at the height of her hatred for True Name. That had been hatred, yes, but this was rage. + +``What just happened?'' ey whispered to May, who gave eir hand a squeeze in her paw and shook her head. + +``Are we done fucking around, yet?'' True Name asked, voice flat. ``Because I just want to know what it is that you want of me so that I can get back to my life.'' + +``Your \emph{life?}'' Jonas asked, incredulous. ``You want to get back to your life?'' + +``Life, yes,'' she said. ``Alive. Living. I want to get back to breathing and eating and drinking and sleeping. Do not take my words too far.'' + +He laughed, shooting his cuffs. ``Well, if \emph{that's} all you want, then we could have done without all this fuss, couldn't we?'' + +``This fuss is necessary, remember,'' When I Do Not Remember, the propagandist, said, to which Jonas sighed. + +``All you need to do is just\ldots go away. Just disappear. Just be gone, True Name. Curl up around your little Name thing and stay there.'' + +May's expression had settled back to calm, but ey could feel the tension in her paw increase, and beyond her, ey could see End Waking bare his teeth. The Odists on Jonas's side of the table flinched. None of them looked pleased. Even Why Ask Questions, jovial as she usually was, seemed to be gritting her teeth. + +\emph{Wait, does} he \emph{know?} ey wondered. If ever there was a way to keep a group of Odists in check, that might just be it. + +Only True Name, of all of them, remained calm. Serious, yes, but calm. ``What does disappearing and being gone look like to you, Jonas?'' she asked. ``Do you\ldots what? Want me to hide away in a locked-down sim forever?'' + +``I wouldn't say no,'' he shot back. + +``No.'' + +``I thought not.'' + +``So,'' she said with exaggerated patience. ``What does me disappearing look like to you?'' + +``You just can't be around. You can't be you anymore. You can't be walking around and having people point and say, ``Hey, it's that piece of shit skunk!'' You need to just disappear, because anything else is just going to destabilize your precious System. Imagine! True Name, who didn't die, wants to bring back political parties! I'm prepared for that, but I don't think you are.'' + +``We are of one mind on that.'' + +Jonas snorted. ``Fuck if I believe you on \emph{that.}'' + +Ioan watched with increasing intensity. The actual words of the conversation aside, True Name's calmness seemed to be overwhelming Jonas's restraint. He seemed to be having a hard time holding back snark, all that sarcasm that made for good entertainment, perhaps, but was increasingly unbecoming for what ey thought of as a politician. + +Here was the Ode clade slowly diverging past reconciliation, here ey was mumbling all the more as the skunks had pointed out, and now Jonas Prime, for all his stability seemed to be having a hard time maintaining his own brand of control. + +Eir frown deepened. Perhaps this was more than just a political dispute. + +She shook her head, but whether at his words or his audacity, ey couldn't tell. ``Alright, disappear. You want me to stop being a figure and start being a person. You want me to be other than I am.'' + +``Yep,'' he said, grin tight and false. + +``I have already begun,'' she said, and with a brief pause, ey saw her face and shoulders relax, a sudden shift towards an expression ey knew intimately from eir partner falling across her features. She continued in a voice softer than what it had been. Lilting, less space between the syllables. ``Because I already am May Then My Name Die With Me--'' Another pause, another shift, one more towards stony and stoic, voice suddenly dry and simple, almost weary. ``--and I am already Do I Know God After The End Waking.'' Finally, she fell back into that first register. ``And some part of me remains True Name, and yet I am none of these. I could not go back to that which I was even if I wished to. Tell me what it is that you want. Lay your terms on the table plainly, and we will come to an agreement.'' + +Jonas raised his eyebrows at the shifts in expression and voice. The frowns around the table on the faces of the other Odists only deepened. + +``How can I even begin to trust you on that? You merged your two cronies, so what? You going to go cuddle-camping with Zacharias or something? You're still you.'' + +Both May and End Waking bristled at this, but neither spoke. + +``I am not what I was, Jonas. That which was True Name does not simply sit next to that of my cocladists. They are impossibly entangled. I am not what I was.'' + +``I can tell, sure, but you know that's not enough, True Name.'' + +``You have not offered your terms. We cannot come to agreement without.'' + +His voice was intent, serious in a way ey hadn't seen before. ``I am saying that you need to disappear. There is no stable future for the System if you show up in anything close to the same form as you were, and you know that. You were almost assassinated, and doubtless more than you three--'' He nodded at May, End Waking, and Ioan. ``--know. You show up as you are, and everything crumbles, or at the very least, starts to shift in unstable ways. Plan A was you gone, but plan B relies on you understanding that there's no recovery from a failed plan A that involves you.'' + +``Why did you not just ask me?'' + +``Would you have stepped down?'' he asked with a sneer. + +She frowned. ``Doubtless you had other cards to play that did not involve Guōweī, some other leverage that did not involve death. You could not convince me, but all this high drama is over the top for you.'' + +``I was bored. It sounded fun. You were right there. Why not?'' + +``You were bored,'' she said coolly. ``You were bored, so you decided to hire someone to kill me.'' + +Ioan watched Jonas's smile fall back into that uncaring cruelty, increasingly ungrounded. + +He waved his hand imperiously. ``And I'm getting bored now. I'm surprised you're still hung up on this, True Name. You're the theatre geek--'' + +``Jonas,'' When I Do Not Remember murmured, her voice a low warning. He only grinned. + +True Name sighed. ``Right. So now you\ldots what, want me to look different? Sound different? I am ready to commit to staying out of the business. You want me to act the part or something? Your terms.'' + +``You need to go away, True Name. I don't fucking care \emph{how.} You make it happen or I will.'' + +There was a moment's thoughtful silence from the skunk, her paws gripping the edge of the table, before she stood, pushed her chair back in, and turned away. Then in the most stunning display of forking ey'd ever seen, True Name began to change. + +Ioan had seen eir share of Dear's exhibitions, not to mention those of other instance artists the fox had introduced em to along the way, and the forking involved in all of them had been perfect. They were well rehearsed dances of duplication that told a story. + +However, they were, whether by association with Dear or by the art itself, fanciful. The duplication was supposed to evoke a sense of magic, of wonder—or the closely related terror. + +In eir own work in theatre, both as an actor and as a playwright, ey'd found use for forking within a story that had remained more grounded, more tied to day to day life, and those performances had seen a success of their own through May and A Finger Pointing's guidance. + +The Odists as a whole were more familiar and comfortable with forking than anyone ey'd ever met, even among the most dispersionista of dispersionista clades. Both May and Dear navigated that aspect of their lives with a grace ey could only dream of. Even the explosions of foxes or skunks during times of excitement were skillfully done. + +This, though, went beyond that. + +As they watched, True Name began to change. She worked with a singular sense of purpose that left no doubt as to what she was doing. An instance flickered into being before herself and watched with a critical eye as skunk after skunk blinked into existence. Each one bore some slight change from their immediate down-tree instance. Sometimes an array of skunks would wind up in a line before that observing instance, which would nod at one or the other in approval to leave the others to quit. And when a change was accepted, the down-tree instance would quit. + +This smooth modification of form was in and of itself impressive for how naturally she began to change—not only did the instance watching have to keep track of what change was happening and what would come next, but so did those doing the actual changing; they all had to be on the same page—but what left em truly impressed was the speed. She began her work with about one fork per second, but before long the changes ramped up to two a second. Three. Nearly four changes per second of forks flickering into and out of existence, all while the orchestrating instance watched, her eyes flicking this way and that across them. + +And then, it was over. + +The result was a skunk slightly shorter than True Name had stood, though still a few centimeters taller than May. She was heavier, as well, with a curve to the hips and belly that was familiar to em from eir partner, but unlike May, this softness was more\ldots well, natural wasn't quite the right term, but where May's weight seemed to be designed to add a sense of both harmlessness and comfort to her form, this new form of True Name simply looked like a pudgy thirty-something who had settled into a comfortable weight long ago and never bothered to change. + +Her face had shifted as well, becoming plainer in ways ey couldn't quite explain. Where True Name had always had some aspect of larger-than-life about her, she now just looked\ldots normal. Still a furry, still living in that form that was more comfortable to her than humanity, but normal. + +Most striking, though, was the pattern of fur. While much of it was covered now, ey'd seen the way it had shifted during the process. Gone were the two parallel stripes, the ones ey had grown to love on May, replaced with a set of white splotches in the black of her fur. The white atop her head remained, disconnected from the patch between her eyes and two others high on her temples. The pattern was eye-catching: the patches seemed to travel in a few uneven lines down over her back and sides, one of them showing a hint of a whorl, another a slight zigzag, and others that were almost round spots. This pattern seemed to be mirrored along her spine, leading to a pleasant symmetry. A quick query of the perisystem infrastructure told em that there was indeed a spotted variety of skunk, described much as ey had seen: spotted fur, shorter tail, a shorter snout that fit somewhere between that of a skunk and that of a weasel like Debarre. + +Gone were the stripes. Gone, also, were the slacks and blouse, traded in for a linen tunic and a pair of loose-fitting Thai fisherman pants. + +When ey was finally able to tear eir eyes away, ey saw that every Odist in the room had picked up expressions that verged from taken aback to startled and angry. May, for her part, looked startled at the display, yes, but also excited and ready. It was the same look she got before performances. + +``May, what--'' + +``One moment, my dear,'' she said, then turned to face this new True Name with a grin. ``Will there be a change of name?'' + +There was a vanishingly faint hint of rehearsal to the words, well masked to anyone who didn't know her as intimately as ey did. Ey realized this must be their plan. Hers and True Name's and End Waking's, the one they'd been working on for days. + +``There\ldots there has to be,'' When I Do Not Remember said, gaze still locked on True Name, and a brief tense from May confirmed that the trap had been sprung. + +While he lacked the context for whatever had surprised her cocladists, even Jonas sounded impressed by the display. ``I won't let you leave as True Name. Stability, remember? That name means too much here.'' + +The other seven members of True Name's stanza nodded as one, and Unasked Questions said, ``You cannot be us. You cannot be who you were.'' + +The skunk bowed. ``You may call me Sasha.'' + +Ioan didn't know what ey expected from the room, but pandemonium wasn't it. May was clapping her paws delightedly and End Waking was grinning and shaking his head. Both bore the traces of rehearsal. + +Jonas simply burst out laughing, and ey couldn't miss the bitterness in it. + +All of the rest of the Odists, however, were shouting. None of them looked pleased. + +``Not Sasha of the Ode clade, just Sasha,'' she said calmly but loud enough to be heard. ``I will not relinquish the form, just as I will not relinquish the past, but if you want me out this badly, so be it. I rescind my membership in the clade.'' + +``As do I,'' End Waking said, getting a smile from Sasha. + +``\emph{That} name is unacceptable!'' When I Do Not Remember hollered. ``No.~You will pick something else!'' + +``No, I will not.'' + +``Shut the fuck up, When I Do Not Remember,'' Jonas shouted. ``All of you, shut the fuck up.'' He turned to Sasha and grinned icily, eyes now burning overbright. ``You always were a little snot. You want to be Sasha? You want to dive back into mediocrity and wear your weakness like a badge? Please, by all means, be my guest. Beg for pity again. Hunt down all your little friends who kept you feeling just bad enough that they could baby you without letting you think you were their plaything.'' + +At this, most of the stanza bridled, and there were a few louder murmurings. + +Jonas waved it away. ``Crawl back to Debarre and\ldots fuck, what was his name? user11824? Crawl into their arms and let them prop you up long after you should've died.'' + +Murmurings grew to angry mutterings. + +Jonas only laughed, and that bitterness was all the more evident. ``Go. Be Sasha. Live your silly little life. And you,'' he said through clenched teeth, jabbing a finger toward Ioan. ``Write your little story. That's what you're here for, isn't it? Write your little romance and fuck your little girlfriends and put on your little plays.'' + +May rolled her eyes. + +``Get out. All of you.'' + +The rest of the stanza left, quit, or were swept—the sim didn't seem to render them any different. Ioan guessed swept, given that Guōweī's unconscious form also disappeared. + +All through Jonas's tirade, Sasha wore a half smile. It wasn't rehearsed, wasn't self-satisfied. She simply looked present. She looked confident in herself in some more earnest way than she had in years, as though she had changed beyond just her appearance. When it was clear that he was finished, she bowed politely. + +``See you around?'' + +``Fuck off.'' + +She laughed and reached out to take Ioan's hand in her paw, then they stepped back home, followed closely by May holding End Waking's paw. + +Once back on the plain, End Waking groaned and fell to his knees, paws digging into the soil around the tussocks of grass, then quit. May and Ioan followed suit. + +When their down-tree instances returned to the field from inside—May bearing a (rather lopsided) cake—they were just in time to see True Name bow to Sasha and quit. It was the last change, ey supposed, the true relinquishing of her name. + +There was a long moment of silence on the plain, then Ioan let out a ragged, pent-up breath, eir shoulders sagging. ``Can someone tell me what the fuck just happened?'' + +``Sasha did the one thing she could have done to piss Jonas off most,'' May said, grinning. ``He went in thinking he'd take everything from her and left with no wind in his sails. Well done, my dear.'' + +Sasha beamed and bowed with a flourish. + +``And you knew this?'' ey asked. + +She nodded. ``To an extent. We had discussed several options, but many of the changes were new. I saw her unwind all of the changes from the last centuries--'' + +``All the way back to Praiseworthy's suggestions before Secession,'' the other skunk said proudly. + +``--and other than the spotted skunk thing, she looks just like\ldots well, Sasha. Nice touch, by the way.'' + +``I do not think I could have gotten away with staying the same skunk, even if I look similar enough while clothed. But yes, I am back to the me of\ldots shit, when did I make Sasha like this? 2110?'' + +Ioan shook eir head, dizzy. ``This is what you looked like before uploading?'' + +``What my—\emph{our}—av looked like, yes, all except the change to a spotted skunk. They always felt too flashy, back then, and I just wanted to look like myself offline except a furry. Completely unremarkable and a species no one likes.'' + +``The outfit was my suggestion,'' End Waking said. ``It always was our favorite, but for some reason, we never brought it with us to the System, and I knew the rest of the stanza would pick up on that quite easily. I suspect they are driving Jonas as much as he believes he is driving them.'' + +Sasha nodded. + +``I am proud of you, Sasha,'' he continued. ``I do not yet know why I feel compelled to say that, but I am proud of you. You have much to make up for, your own penance yet to serve, but that you have done this at all is a good step forward.'' + +Ioan sighed and sat down heavily in the grass. ``You're all completely nuts.'' + +The three skunks laughed. + +``Why didn't you tell me?'' + +``For your story,'' Sasha said. ``You had to go in there with an untainted view in order to write a more earnest story at the end. That is how you work, dear.'' + +``So,'' ey said, organizing eir thoughts out loud. ``May and End Waking--'' + +``E.W.'' the skunk corrected. ``I am E.W. of no clade.'' + +The other two skunks perked up and grinned wide. + +Ioan blinked, hesitated, then continued. ``May and\ldots E.W. merged down and you\ldots I guess feel more like you used to? Back phys-side, I mean. Enough to head back to who you were before the clade began, I mean. Is that even possible?'' + +``It is not a statement of reality, dear. I cannot reintegrate those aspects of myself that are not up-tree from me, and even if I could, there are those who no longer exist or who have left Lagrange,'' she said, that slight smile growing. ``It is a statement of hope, perhaps, or a desire for completion. It is an understanding of the ways in which I fall short expressed in my very name. Will this sense of a truer life last? Perhaps. It will certainly not always feel good, and will at some point cease feeling new, but I plan on owning it for as long as I am able.'' + +``And how is it that this pisses off Jonas?'' Ey snorted. ``He certainly sounded pissed.'' + +Sasha knelt across from Ioan, followed shortly by E.W. and May to either side of em, May summoning up plates and cutting thick slices of cake. It was strange to see so many smiles, still strange to see May so happy around her down-tree instance and stranger still to see E.W. even in the same sim. + +``What Jonas was expecting was for me to remain True Name in everything except form and name,'' she said. ``He was expecting someone deeply cowed by his political genius—and do not underestimate him, he \emph{is} still a genius. He felt that he had won his spot as rightful leader of Lagrange, if such a thing can even be said to exist. He thought that he had beaten me down and left me either unable to continue or unwilling to try.'' + +May added, ``I suspect that he is starting to crack.'' + +Ioan nodded. + +``Perhaps,'' Sasha said. ``He has not seemed fully grounded in many years, but again, do not underestimate him.'' + +Ioan jumped at a brief sensorium ping, a request to enter, followed shortly by Debarre popping into existence behind May, who had apparently admitted him. ``What was so urgent that you pulled me away from lunch and\ldots{}'' he trailed off, squinting at this new skunk. ``Who\ldots but you're\ldots what?'' + +Sasha stiffened where she knelt. ``Debarre,'' she said, bowing her head. ``A pleasure to see you.'' + +The weasel said nothing, looking stunned. + +``This is-- was Tr--'' + +``Sasha. I am Sasha. I was her as well,'' she said, voice gentle but insistent enough to stop Ioan from continuing. + +He stepped back a half pace, crouching as though to flee on foot. ``Sasha\ldots? What the fuck?'' + +Ioan, still feeling eir head spinning from so much happening so quickly, tried to pin down eir open question in eir mind while still watching the exchange intently. + +``I am not what I was, Debarre. I am not True Name. I am not May or E.W.'' She hesitated, then continued, ``I am not even the Sasha you remember, but I am, I think, closer to being her than any of the Ode clade is currently.'' + +``Bullshit,'' he growled. ``If there's even a little bit of True Name in you, you can't be her. If you're even the slightest bit her I'm fucking out of here.'' + +``Wait, my love,'' E.W. said. ``Please stay.'' + +Debarre hesitated. + +``If I am still here, do you not think that I agree with her? At least to a large enough extent to trust her?'' + +The weasel straightened up and, when May gestured to the spot beside E.W., he slowly lowered himself to a crouch as though still ready to bolt. ``I'll listen, but this had better be good.'' + +Sasha bowed, sitting quietly and fiddling anxiously with the hem of her tunic while May caught him up on the events of the past few months, letting the other three of them interject with corrections and confirmations. Throughout, Debarre waited, and while he didn't relax fully, by the end of the discussion, he was at least sitting all the way down. + +``So now you're Sasha,'' he said slowly. + +``A new Sasha. Related, but not the same Sasha you and I remember.'' + +``I'll buy that at least,'' he muttered. ``You still make me really fucking nervous.'' + +She smiled faintly. ``Do not worry, my dear. I make myself nervous.'' + +At the affectionate \emph{my dear}, the weasel jolted back. + +``My apologies,'' Sasha said quickly. ``I was not thinking. If you would like me not to use that phrase, I will do my best not to. I just have enough\ldots well, I am different enough now that it comes automatically.'' + +``You have enough of E.W. in you, you mean.'' + +She nodded. + +``I\ldots well, yeah. Not from you.'' He hesitated, eyes averted, and added, ``Please.'' + +``Of course.'' + +``So tell me how this gets you anything.'' + +Ioan sat up straight once more, unpinning eir question. ``You were saying that Jonas thought he'd beaten you.'' + +``Right, yes. He thought that he had left me so broken that I might fade away or even quit of my own accord. Instead, I became the one thing he could not control.'' + +``How, though?'' ey asked. + +``Because of the \emph{History}. The System knows about me. It knows about the Council of Eight and about Sasha and Michelle Hadje. It also knows about True Name, though, and to see that True Name has stepped down and become one of the few sympathetic figures in that same story once again means that he cannot touch me. He cannot risk reinforcing being seen as a villain--'' + +``Or more of one,'' May muttered. + +``--by coming after me. Not only that, but with the expectation that the Sasha who was on the Council was in the right when seen in contrast to True Name, I will be seen as a balancing force rather than a co-conspirator. Him working against that risks being seen as either unbalancing an effective system or a return to a two-party system that no one wants.'' + +``It is not a win, \emph{per se},'' E.W. added. ``She has not beaten Jonas, but she has entered into a stalemate with him.'' + +``Can't he still come after you, though? It's not like the whole System knows.'' + +``That is why he was so upset at you, as well, my dear,'' May said. ``You will write your book and your play, and he will just have to brace himself as best he can.'' + +``But I haven't yet, though.'' + +``Of course, but if he had decided to take Sasha out anyway, you would still be left to write about \emph{that}. Your name is already trusted enough on the System that if you were to write something after her assassination, it would still have gone poorly for him. If he had taken you out as well—something I doubt he was prepared to do anyway—he would be in even deeper shit.'' + +Ey shook eir head. Ey was feeling very far behind but needed to understand if ey was to write this book. More, ey needed to understand for emself. ``So why not become Michelle?'' + +``Because look at me,'' Sasha said, laughing and spreading her arms. ``I am a furry. A \emph{skunk} furry, no less. There is benefit to being something that is just a little silly, just as there always has been. Even after all these years, it is difficult to take someone pretending to be a small furry animal seriously, so that disarms me in the eyes of the observer.'' + +``So he will just leave you alone?'' + +``He will have to if he wishes to remain in his position. He answers to his desire for power, I answer only to my desire for stability and continuity. In that I remain earnest in my conviction,'' she said by way of answer. ``Even that of me which is E.W. and May. E.W. cannot love his forest if politics overwhelm his existence. May cannot hold onto her devotion. These things I know.'' + +May nodded slowly. ``You are not wrong. I would not have used such words, but you are not wrong.'' + +``That of me which remains True Name has settled down,'' she continued. ``And she still holds to the idea that politics is a means to an end. She is good at it. She enjoys it. She is willing and able to utilize it.'' + +``So,'' Debarre said. ``When did you realize this might even work?'' + +``It was a chance I took. One that might have failed, yes, but a good chance. It was all those times he talked about how you and Michelle were not fit to lead. Jonas had a view of me that was as inaccurate as it was easy to use against him. I have my political acumen and you have your own small group.'' + +Ioan watched Debarre stiffen, making note of his response. It didn't feel like the type of thing to include in the story, but it did make rather a lot of the weasel's words and actions make more sense. + +``You're nuts,'' Debarre said, rubbing his paws over his face to cover that response. ``You're all fucking nuts.'' + +Ioan gestured wildly toward the weasel. ``Confirmation! Fucking nuts!'' + +The three skunks laughed while ey and Debarre leaned across the circle to shake hands. diff --git a/mitzvot/content/042.tex b/mitzvot/content/042.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..a6511f4 --- /dev/null +++ b/mitzvot/content/042.tex @@ -0,0 +1,489 @@ +\begin{center}\rule{0.5\linewidth}{0.5pt}\end{center} + +The stream of Odists who came to visit Sasha in the days and weeks after the excursion to Jonas's was surprising. They seem to have accepted her change in identity far easier than expected. There were no instances of deadnaming (unless they were specifically talking about her past as True Name, as requested), no fights, no arguments. + +Not everyone was happy, to be sure. Many of the discussions from those who stopped by were quite serious and, even though many took place in cones of silence, Ioan could easily guess that there was much in the way of airing of grievances. As far as ey could tell, though, it was done with an eye towards catharsis and reconciliation. + +Serene, for instance, came over the day after the whole kerfuffle, surprising the three of them well into the evening. They'd settled for a middle ground of dinner out on the extended balcony—close enough to the house for them to cook a proper dinner without leaving Sasha feeling cooped up inside—when the ping against their sensoria caused the three to jolt as one. + +``That will be Serene!'' May said excitedly, setting her half-finished plate down and hopping to her feet. ``I opened the ACLs to a few, hope you do not mind.'' + +``Opened-- wait, when?'' Ioan asked, setting eir own plate down. ``And to how many?'' + +But the skunk was already gone, bounding inside to greet the fox with a hug and excited chattering. + +Ioan and Sasha followed more sedately, both waiting until May had gotten her greeting out of the way before bowing to Serene. + +``Ioan, a pleasure! It has been too long,'' she said, grinning widely. The grin faded, and she nodded to the spotted skunk. ``And Sasha.'' + +``Serene, thank you for stopping by. I was not expecting to see you so soon.'' + +``I do not imagine so. May Then My Name has been conspiring behind the scenes, so this was all worked out ahead of time.'' + +``Oh? How cheeky,'' Sasha said, laughing. ``Were you really that confident that everything would work out, dear?'' + +May shook her head. ``Reasonably confident, but I want Arrowhead Lake back no matter what, so I arranged for us a little meeting.'' + +``Skunks, I swear.'' Ioan shook eir head. ``Well, welcome all the same. We've got pasta, if you'd like.'' + +Once she'd heaped a plate high with food, Serene followed them out onto the balcony to join them for the rest of their meal. She wrinkled her nose at the sight of the plain. ``I suppose this was the best one could do on short notice, yes?'' + +``It wasn't too much, and it fit the need, yeah.'' + +``It has served its purpose,'' Sasha said. ``And it is not so bad close up. A little too flat, perhaps, but the river is nice.'' + +Serene nodded and finished a mouthful of food before setting her fork down again. ``I have at least come bearing a gift.'' + +``Did you find your student?'' + +``Yes. He was still about, though he has\ldots changed much in the intervening years. He was not as pleased to see me as I might have liked.'' + +Sasha dipped her snout. ``I am assuming that he has picked up on the sentiment surrounding the clade.'' + +Serene nodded. ``He read the \emph{History} and came to the same conclusion that the rest of the System did. Our name is not mud, but, my dear, relationships changed after that knowledge became public.'' + +``I understand.'' + +``I do not want to hear you say that you are sorry, Sasha. I do not think that is how this works as you are now, not for me. I do not want to hear your justifications and explanations; I can understand them as well as anyone. I just want to hear your acknowledgement.'' + +After setting her plate and fork down on the low table again, Sasha folded her paws in her lap, sat for a moment in silence, then said, ``For as much as I tried to do—for as much as Jonas and I both tried to do—I do not think we had nearly the effect on the world around us we thought we did, not on the grand scale. We played our games of politics and influence, but it was a game of relationships from start to finish, you are correct. True Name changed relationships. May Then My Name changed relationships. E.W. played his part. I do not know if it was for the better or the worse, but I do acknowledge that it made a good many of them far more difficult.'' + +``Well, okay. Perhaps one apology.'' + +``I am sorry, Serene; Sustained And Sustaining.'' + +There was another moment of silence, then Serene's wild grin returned. ``Well, that felt good. Praiseworthy did all that shit, too, so, fuck it. Let me finish my food and I will fuck your sim up but good.'' + +Ioan blinked, looking between skunk and fennec. ``Wait, that simple?'' + +``Of course, my dear,'' Serene said around a mouthful of pasta. ``I already told you of my thoughts on the matter. I have done my processing.'' + +``And now you cannot simply say something about skunks being brats,'' May chimed in. ``Though I am pretty sure we all knew that foxes were, too.'' + +Serene made a rude gesture, still grinning. + +Once they'd finished dinner, Serene stood, stretched, and then leaned against the balcony railing staring out over the plain. Her expression was calm, pleasant, though focused on something ey couldn't see. ``Ioan, I will need ACLs over at least the exterior, including your yard, though I will do my best to keep it intact.'' + +Ey nodded, focused, and made the grant. + +``Thank you. Now, you may stay out here and watch, but I warn you that it can be a bit dizzy-making.'' + +Ey exchanged glances with the two skunks and shrugged. ``I think we're all eager to see.'' + +``Suit yourself. It was your dinner. Thank you, by the way.'' + +There was no further announcement. Nor, even, any change in Serene. She still looked out over the railing with a dreamy, far away look on her face even as the world dropped out beneath them. + +The plain rippled and flexed, arching up high to the sky as though stretching after a long nap. Trees pried their way from the soil. Rocks broke free from the land. The river—the one immediately before them, at least—collapsed into itself to form a wide lake. The rest of the distant echoed versions of the plain where not occupied by the immediate mountains crinkled into some more complex geometry, the remainder of the range echoed outside the valley. + +It \emph{was} a little vertigo-inducing, too. The worst of it wasn't due to the sudden change in the shape of the landscape, but in just how, well\ldots serene it all was. The river shaping itself into the lake was not accompanied by some grand splashing of waves, but simply the remaking of the water. There were no falling rocks or grand earthquakes, just the reshaping of the world. The light shifted. Gravity swayed, settled. All of it was silent, anechoic. + +And then it was done. + +``H-holy fuck,'' ey managed, clutching at the railing of the balcony. Both May and Sasha stood defiantly against the change, though neither looked as casual as the fox. + +``I have set your house up the hill a ways from the default entry point to the old sim. That it was already on stilts proved quite useful. The angle of the sun may be a bit different, but not so much as to be a problem,'' she said, gesturing them down the steps from Sasha's side of the balcony. They landed on a flagstone pad set into the bed of pine needles, a small trail winding its way down the slope toward the water. She gestured toward the small ridge that rose next to them. ``I had to modify the terrain a little bit to keep your yard level. You should be okay, but if you run into erosion problems, do let me know. I have been told of your affinity for weather, Ioan.'' + +Sure enough, the fence remained level, wrapping around a small rectangle of hidden grass and dandelions, the tops of lilac bushes overflowing. + +The path teed with the long familiar deer trail that wound around the lake, and, out of habit, they all started down towards the rock. + +``Fauna?'' Serene asked. + +``Please.'' Sasha smiled sheepishly. ``I would not like a repeat of that particular mistake.'' + +Grinning and nodding, Serene kept up her steady pace, humming a little under her breath. There was no change that ey could see, though ey imagined her counting deer, rabbits, squirrels, and birds into existence. + +For eir part, ey simply walked, hand in paw with May, and marveled. Ey'd discovered the lake decades ago, had spent countless days out here on walks, and at least one night camping. Still, it felt somehow new. Ey was rediscovering this place that ey'd not seen in months—though ey'd spent longer stints away from it in the past—and marveling at the detail all over again. A glance back over eir shoulder showed eir flat-roofed house peeking shyly from amid the trees, but other than that, it was, ey assumed, the same as it had been. + +After so long away and after so much stress it felt all the more real. + +They sat on the rock near the end of the lake and enjoyed the last of the sun. It was a little tight for four, but May tucked quite nicely up against eir side and Sasha, having slipped more into an E.W. mindset, had settled off to the side. She looked antsy, and ey suspected she'd request time to hike soon enough. + +``How is the rest of the clade taking this?'' she asked. ``I sent a clade-wide message, but have not received responses.'' + +Serene looked up from where she was investigating a few pine needles plucked from a branch on the way over with a discriminating eye. ``I think that reactions will be largely positive even if they are not universally so. Several of my stanza have been been talking, and many feel as I do. It is fine, I am sure, and I have processed what I needed to and gotten what I wanted.'' + +``Of course. I have been abandoned by the rest of my stanza, but at this point, the larger part of me does not want to have anything to do with them, anyway. I do not imagine Loss For Images and her ilk will take it well. I do hope that A Finger Pointing and I will have a chance to speak soon, as I am now enough May that I would enjoy attending a play or two.'' + +``\,`May'?'' Serene said, tiling her head and looking to the other skunk. ``Have you forgiven her, then?'' + +May nodded. ``Forgiven is maybe not the best word. I have internalized the way things are and accepted the way things were. I am pleased to know Sasha and who she has become.'' + +The other skunk smiled faintly, nodded. ``Though for all Ioan talked about trying to fix things, I place the largest part of who I have become on you, dear.'' + +``I wasn't going to say anything,'' Ioan said, grinning. + +May elbowed em in the side. ``Hush, you.'' + +``I will not laugh at you two too much, then.'' Serene laughed anyway, though not unkindly. ``What are your plans moving forward? I trust that you are essentially locked out of what you were working on as True Name.'' + +``Yes, and while there is a part of me that remains disappointed about this outcome, there is little to be done about it but move forward.'' Sasha brought her tail around to her lap to brush it out. It was shorter than a striped skunk's tail, it seemed, and less thickly furred. ``I will take a vacation, first. I will sleep a normal amount. I will eat good food. I will wear myself out on the hunt and take what comfort I can while I remain here. I will rest, and then I will write.'' + +``Write? Really?'' + +``Yes. I must be careful not to be seen as overtly influencing lest I bring on Jonas's ire, but I would like to share the story of the last few centuries from my point of view. I do not know who will be interested except perhaps our two clades, but I will write.'' + +``Well, if it's anything like the \emph{History},'' Ioan said, ``it'll wind up wildly popular and then fade into part of the mythos of the System.'' + +May grinned. ``And all will be as it should.'' + +``Of course. I will not complain. So long as I am better able to understand who I have become and fill my time with something fulfilling, then I will be happy.'' + +``\emph{Will} you be happy?'' Serene asked. + +There was a long silence as Sasha finished brushing out her tail and spent a few minutes simply staring across the lake, perhaps mapping the opposite shore and marking spots for future exploration. + +Finally, she said, ``I think that I will be. I am of three minds and will ever be such. I will hate myself, sometimes, and I will love myself, too. I will have moments of happiness, moments of sadness and terror and regret, but they will ever be in thirds.'' + +``Are you okay with that?'' + +Sasha stood and stretched, finally turning her gaze back to them. ``Himself has but to will And easy as a Star Look down upon Captivity And laugh.'' + +With no further explanation, she bowed and edged around them on her way down off the rock. She moved quietly and efficiently, and it was a matter of moments before they lost sight of her in the trees. + +They sat and shared quiet stories of the past through the remainder of the evening. + +\begin{center}\rule{0.5\linewidth}{0.5pt}\end{center} + +The next Odists to visit were A Finger Pointing and Slow Hours, once more arriving as a pair and hugging Sasha in turn. They set up a cone of silence and spoke together for a scant twenty minutes before dropping it again and inviting Ioan and May to join. They pulled the beanbag a little closer to the couch and settled down on it together to listen. + +``It is easy to say that all is full of love,'' Slow Hours began, smiling to Sasha. ``But now, I think, you have a sense of your own.'' + +The skunk smiled and bowed her head. + +``Life will be easier for a while, and then it will be harder. You will share your loves, first with another and then with solitude, and with each you long for the other until you return.'' Her expression slipped into a lopsided grin. ``Does not matter one fucking bit, though, so I would not worry.'' + +``Mere breath?'' Sasha asked, grinning. + +``A chasing after the wind, yes.'' + +``And you will come to a performance,'' A Finger Pointing added. ``I am no oracle, but if you do not come, I will hunt you down myself. It has been too long, my dear.'' + +She laughed. ``Of course. So many threats to hunt me down, these days. But yes, thank you.'' + +``And if you do not watch me perform my monologue, I will trim your claws too short in your sleep,'' May said. ``There is a monologue night coming up soon.'' + +``Jesus, May. That is far worse than being hunted down. I will be there.'' + +May preened. + +After that, they fell into comfortable conversation. Sasha joined Ioan and May on the beanbag to get some pets—the talk having apparently nudged the affectionate part of her to the fore—while Slow Hours spoke in fewer 'will's and 'shall's and settled down into the normal conversational mode of the rest of the Odists. They spoke of performances past, going all the way back to before the founding of the System, back to their time in high school. The four Odists performed a small segment of the Dickinson play they always seemed to quote from, a first for any of the Bălans in the nearly fifty years their clades had been entangled. + +Ey didn't understand, but ey didn't need to. + +\begin{center}\rule{0.5\linewidth}{0.5pt}\end{center} + +It was nearly a month before Debarre, Douglas, and Sasha agreed to meet. Debarre's side of the negotiations remained stiff and distant, the weasel initially refusing to see Sasha after that first meeting. Douglas seemed to have set aside any sense of caution, speaking with palpable excitement. As soon as he'd learned of the change of name back to something more closely associated with his distant relative, he'd hardly spoken of anything else. + +Eventually, though, meeting was set up for dinner on the dandelion-dotted field, a small potluck picnic late in the evening so that the skunks wouldn't overheat in the sun. + +Everyone arrived simultaneously by Debarre's request so that no one was left waiting for anyone else. Ioan, May, and Sasha stepped into the sim just in time to see Debarre and E.W. arriving. The six of them stood in a circle in front of Douglas's stoop, dandelions and evening bumblers tickling at their ankles. + +Or, at least they stood in a circle for a moment. Sasha almost immediately stumbled back from the group, turning in two slow, wavering circles before falling to her knees. + +``Sasha?'' Ioan said, startled. + +``Too much,'' she mumbled shakily. ``Too much at once.'' + +May padded over to kneel next to her. ``May I hug?'' + +After a moment of strained silence, Sasha slumped against May's side, and the two sat together while she let out that overwhelming emotion within a cone of silence. + +Ioan, Debarre, E.W., and Douglas took the time to set up the picnic, a rickety table bearing plates of various salads, roasted vegetables, and the makings for venison sandwiches, courtesy of E.W.. They moved in silence, hesitantly, each pausing every now and then to watch as Sasha slowly worked to calm herself. + +``That was not the greeting that I had intended,'' she said, once she had cleaned up in Douglas's house and joined them at the table to pick up a plate. ``I was hoping that I would be able to greet you all politely, settle into some easier conversation, but that of True Name has not been here in too long. This place is too charged with memories, as are your faces. Even for that of E.W. and May, there is too much bound up in the last few months.'' + +``Are you feeling better now?'' Douglas asked. + +She sniffled and nodded. ``I am leaning on the other portions of myself now. I will have much processing to do yet, but tonight is for dinner with friends, or at least with those I hope will be friends.'' + +``I certainly hope we'll be friends.'' Douglas laughed. ``I mean, those are the first words we've ever really spoken to each other, but I'm happy to have the chance to meet you.'' + +``Or at least meet a third of me.'' + +``Well, yes, but you're still a new person to me and very\ldots uh,'' he trailed off, frowning down to his plate. ``Well, very close to someone I've thought a lot about, I guess.'' + +She smiled and leaned over to pat his shoulder. ``We will talk, dear. That part of me has heard so much about you and is so colored by what the other parts of me know, that I am eager to learn, as well.'' + +Debarre remained stiff and awkward, even as they settled down on the blanket to eat, plates piled high with various dishes and cups of sangria set carefully in the grass behind them. He wouldn't make eye contact with Sasha and seemed hesitant to speak even to Ioan and May. + +Eventually, he cleared his throat, set his plate down, and stared steadily at Sasha. ``I think you owe me an apology. At least from the, uh\ldots what did you call it? The True Name part of you?'' + +As she had done with Serene, Sasha set her plate down as well, folded her paws in her lap, and bowed to the weasel. Ioan could tell by the set of her features and the straightness of her shoulders that she was indeed doing her best to keep that part of her at the fore. ``I am sorry, Debarre. The things that I did were for what I thought was best, but they wound up hurting a good many people. They were not fair to you and I apologize for the pain I caused. While I do not think I even \emph{could} anymore, I will all the same endeavor not to act in such single-minded ways again.'' + +Ioan couldn't read Debarre's expression well enough to gauge his thoughts on the matter, but judging by the way he loosened up and joined in more of the conversations after that, speaking even with Sasha, he seemed to at least have accepted the words to an extent. + +Debarre and E.W. stayed for a few hours after dinner, long enough to see the first stars show themselves above the field, before they stepped back to the skunk's sim. + +Shortly after, Sasha stood, the other three following suit. She hugged Ioan and May around the shoulders and gave each of them a touch of the nose to the cheek. ``If you two do not mind, I would like to go for a walk with Douglas and speak with him alone.'' + +They nodded and returned the hugs and kisses, getting hugs from Douglas as well before they stepped back home. + +``Do you think Douglas still puts too much stock in who you used to be?'' Ioan asked once they were home and comfortable. + +May was a while in answering. ``Perhaps, yes. We are not Michelle, have not been for centuries. None of us are Sasha—least of all Sasha.'' + +Ioan nodded, brushing out the skunk's tail with a fine-toothed comb as ey'd been commanded. ``He really relaxed after uploading, at least. Just a few little spikes in interest when certain things came up.'' + +``As hyperfixations go, it is a relatively innocuous one,'' she said, yawning. ``But I am at least pleased to see that he is both engaging with other things and finding fulfillment in this aspect of his life when he can.'' + +``Besides, it's not like you guys don't hyperfixate on things.'' + +``Mmhm,'' she mumbled sleepily. ``But all the same, we have been slowly drifting away from what we used to be over the years, and in the face of all that we have seen, that is not such a bad thing.'' + +``How do you feel about her apology?'' + +``How do you mean?'' + +Ey shrugged. ``It felt\ldots I don't know, a little rehearsed, maybe.'' + +May curled in against eir side, yawning once more. ``Perhaps. She said what Debarre needed to hear, I think, and it was no less earnest for that. As much as he means to us, that is no bad thing, either.'' + +\begin{center}\rule{0.5\linewidth}{0.5pt}\end{center} + +Ioan wasn't sure why ey kept feeling surprised at the number of loose threads from just one event that needed tying. The business with Qoheleth had been about as complicated, and had required meeting with several other Odists in order to finish the story, and each one came with a different tenor. + +The same was true here, as well. Many members of the clade—some of whom ey'd not yet met—visited and requested time with Sasha or with the three of them. Still, ey realized, this culmination came after two and a quarter centuries for some, so perhaps it made sense. + +Not all of these interactions went smoothly. + +Barely a month after that dinner with Debarre and Douglas on the field, two of the most dramatic happened within the span of a week. + +May stumbled in the middle of a Wednesday morning rehearsal, falling to her knees, panting, before pushing herself to her feet. She managed to make it through the rest of the scene before forking off so that she could continue as best she could while her root instance ducked back home. + +Once there, she darted over towards where Ioan\#Trackers sat at eir desk, working through the process of writing Jonas's book. She knelt beside em, clutched a pawful of eir shirt and set up a cone of silence. Ey felt the ACL-scape of the cone shift several times until it was just about as secure as could be made. + +``May? What--'' + +``Zacharias! He has been pinging me once every few seconds for the last minute!'' She was on the verge of hyperventilation, eyes wide and tail bristled. ``I do not know what-- \emph{fuck!}'' + +Ioan slid from eir chair as the skunk started to slump over to the side. Ey helped her to her feet and over to the beanbag. ``May, what's happening?'' + +``He keeps\ldots quitting and\ldots sending high-priority merges\ldots{}'' she gasped. ``The cone will not\ldots stop those\ldots{}'' + +``You okay for a few seconds?'' + +Slumped over on the beanbag, the skunk nodded. + +Ey stepped from the cone, where May had clearly blocked sensorium messages from the fox, so that ey could holler into a message, ``What the fuck do you want?'' + +``Ioan! I need to\ldots can I--'' + +``No.~No coming over.'' + +``A neutral place?'' + +``Do you need May there?'' + +``Yes!'' + +Ey sighed. ``I'll ask. No guarantees.'' + +``No, I\ldots no,'' the skunk mumbled once ey stepped back into the cone. She'd managed to sit up and while the panicked look on her face had calmed, the beginnings of rage had taken its place. ``He cannot come here.'' + +``Maybe Douglas's to keep him from being too much? If Sasha's reaction was anything to go by, it might quell him, or at least keep him distracted.'' + +The skunk sat, silent, for a moment, holding onto one of eir hands tightly. ``Will Douglas be around to sweep if needed?'' + +Ey nodded. + +``Now?'' + +``Yeah, I think so. I'm not sure I trust that he'll leave you alone if we put him off.'' + +``I--'' + +They were interrupted by a rapidly crescendoing thudding sound followed by the scrabble of claws on the glass of the sliding door, Sasha finally finding purchase and whipping it open. May dropped the cone of silence. + +``What the fuck is happening?!'' Sasha shouted. + +``You too, then?'' + +Sasha frowned, straightened up, and brushed out her tunic. ``Yes. He just about knocked me out with the amount of adrenaline he sent my way. You look ready to go, though. Do you have a plan?'' + +``We're going to meet him at Douglas's field. That's about the start and end of it, though.'' Ioan took a deep breath and tried to tamp down the urge to pace. ``Do you want to come?'' + +Ey watched a complex set of emotions play out over her features. She stood still for nearly a minute, working to master them, before nodding. ``Yes. Let us get this the fuck over with.'' + +Ioan sent a message to Zacharias spoken aloud for the skunks' benefit. ``The Field\#002a0b1.'' + +The reply was frantic. ``What?! No!'' + +``There or no meeting.'' + +``F-fine.'' + +Ioan helped May to her feet and placed a kiss atop her head before the three of them forked and stepped from the sim. + +Douglas stood at the top of his stoop, arms crossed, frowning. ``Ioan, what is this?'' + +``Zacharias made it out of the whole thing alive,'' May growled. ``And now he is losing his mind and wants to meet. I will not have him at our home.'' + +Douglas's frown deepened. ``So you're bringing him here? The ACLs are pretty locked down right now.'' + +``Yes. I do not want to meet him at all, but I do not imagine he will simply leave me alone.'' She spent a moment composing herself, plastering a mask of confidence over her anxiety. ``We need somewhere where someone can sweep him if need be.'' + +``If you say so,'' he said, paused, then continued, ``Alright, he should be able to enter.'' + +Ioan nodded and sent a ping to Zacharias. + +He arrived within a fraction of a second, yelped, and fell backwards, paws balled up into fists and pressed tight against his eyes. + +``How long has it been for you, my dear? Since you were forked?'' May said, kneeling down before the fox. Her voice had grown cloyingly sweet, that `my dear' taking on a spiteful tone. + +``Y-yes,'' he gasped. ``Did\ldots did we have to meet here?'' + +``Where better?'' Sasha said. She stood nearby, arms crossed, impassive, looking almost bored, though Ioan could see the energy it was taking for her to keep that up. + +Zacharias moaned. He forced himself to lower his paws to the ground, gripping at clumps of grass and dandelions. Finally, he opened his eyes and stared out toward the horizon of the field. ``I--'' + +``What did you want, my dear Zack? You sounded nearly on the verge of panic,'' May said. + +``It is Jonas!'' he said, finally snapping out of his daze. ``Jonas! He has gone crazy! He killed all of my instances!'' + +``Did you expect anything else, little loverfox?'' Sasha asked. There was no humor or sweetness in her voice, the last two words carried venom in them. + +``I\ldots I mean--'' + +``You are the root instance, I am assuming?'' + +He nodded, the movement jerky and uneven. ``I have not left home since. I dug a new one, you see, and he found that one somehow.'' + +``And what can we do for you?'' May asked. + +``Help! You can help me get away from that\ldots that lunatic!'' + +Sasha frowned. ``Can you not dig another home?'' + +He reached out to clutch at May's paws. She startled backwards, but did nothing to push him away. ``I cannot\ldots I cannot just disappear! Months! It has been months since I have seen anyone. Anyone! I have to\ldots to be near--'' + +``No,'' she said flatly. + +``But--'' + +``No.'' The skunk shook her head, leaned forward and touched her nose to his. ``Not me. Not Sasha. Not us. You are on your own, Zacharias. I will not accept any further messages or merges. No contact.'' + +He slouched once more, eyes still wide. ``May Then My Name, I--'' + +``No contact.'' She extracted one of her paws from his and slapped him firmly across the snout. ``And that is for before.'' + +Yelping, he fell back onto an elbow. He opened his mouth to respond, but May had already nodded towards Douglas, who swept him from the sim. + +She remained kneeling for a moment, then started to shake, crumpling down onto the grass, panting heavily. Ioan knelt beside her until she'd cried herself dry while Douglas and Sasha sat on the steps leading up to his house, watching in silence. + +``I've never seen you like that before,'' he said, once they'd made their way inside, the four of them clutching glasses of water. ``I knew he was a shitbag, but goddamn.'' + +``I am\ldots not okay,'' she said, whispering down to her glass. ``I am not okay.'' + +``It is not a mode either of us are comfortable with,'' Sasha said quietly, ``but it is the only mode that would have gained us peace. Any weakness would be taken as an opening.'' + +Douglas nodded. He didn't look convinced. + +``I am sorry. After 226 years, one learns to use contempt with precision, however dear the cost.'' She reached out to take one of May's paws in her own. Both of them looked exhausted. ``Even so, I do not expect that is the last we will hear from him.'' + +They didn't stay long after. Ioan eventually promised Douglas that they'd catch up another time and then gently nudged the skunks to quit and merge back down. + +The rest of the day was silent. Ioan and May collapsed onto the beanbag and stayed there through much of it, each processing in their own way, while Sasha disappeared outside to lose herself in the wilderness, not returning until late that evening, bearing a lanky hare and double-pawful of chantarelles, which she cooked down into a simple stew. They ate on the balcony to enjoy the late summer's evening as best they could. + +Sasha joined them in bed that night, and they took what comfort they could from each other's company. + +\begin{center}\rule{0.5\linewidth}{0.5pt}\end{center} + +The more dramatic of the meetings, however, came that weekend. It was quieter, perhaps, but bearing more weight, more finality. + +The rest of the week had remained tense, with Sasha wafting in and out of the house to follow her unsettled moods while May remained quiet, nearly silent, nearly always stuck by Ioan's side. Ey knew ey should probably start laying in supplies for her overflowing, but ey was still distracted trying to pick apart the events with Zacharias. In light of eir desire to keep both of them safe and close, much of the fury that had come with eir first meeting with the fox threatened to reappear every time ey thought about the two skunks. + +Which, naturally, was quite often. + +It was not exactly the best of timing, then, when If I Am To Bathe In Dreams, an elegant, if severe-looking, skunk arrived late on a Saturday afternoon on a few minutes' notice and bowed formally to the three of them. + +``Ioan, I believe Jonas hired you as an amanuensis?'' she said. + +``He did, yes. Do you need me for that, too?'' + +``Please. This story is not over, will not be over for a long time yet. Listen. Watch.'' + +Sasha immediately picked up on the mood and stood up straight after returning the formal bow. She offered In Dreams a seat and something to drink, both of which were declined, then said, ``How may I help you?'' + +``I have a request from both my stanza and that of Memory Is A Mirror Of Hammered Silver. You will also be presented with this request in writing as an individual-eyes-only message.'' + +Sasha nodded. ``I understand.'' + +``We request no contact from you, your stanza, or the Bălan clade moving forward.'' + +``Wait, what?'' Ioan said. May edged around a little ways behind em, clutching at eir arm. + +``You are too entangled in the matter. No contact with this situation means no contact from you, May Then My Name Die With Me, or E.W. \emph{né} Do I Know God After The End Waking. This request is in effect until further notice, and applies to our stanzas on Castor and Pollux as well, where Dear, Also, The Tree That Was Felled will be presented with the same notice. None of us are on Artemis, but I will also be passing this on to Sorina Bălan. This includes general intraclade communication; we will add visibility exceptions to our messages and request that you do the same.'' + +``I understand, accept, and offer you my best,'' Sasha said, bowing once more. + +``I do not want your best,'' In Dreams said, voice flat. ``Ioan?'' + +Ey blinked, hesitated, then bowed in turn. ``I understand and accept.'' + +``And May Then My Name?'' + +It took the skunk a moment to swallow back a rising wave of emotions before she could manage a shaky nod and a hoarse, ``Understood.'' + +``We are of one mind, then,'' she said, bowed, and stepped from the sim. A few seconds later, three sheets of paper scrolled out of the air above the dining table, all set as individual-eyes-only for each of them. Ioan read through eirs several times with a hollow feeling in eir chest. + +Sasha stood still for a long minute, head bowed, then stepped outside without a word, at which point May burst into tears. + +Ioan did eir best to comfort her, but after an hour, she gently pushed em away. ``I need\ldots I need the house to myself, please.'' + +``Should I head to Douglas's?'' + +She shook her head. ``I do not know, Ioan. I just\ldots I just need the house. If you can\ldots I mean, if Sasha will let you stay at her tent, you can stay, but I need the house.'' + +``Now?'' + +Nodding, she wrapped her arms around em and squeezed tighter than ey knew she could. ``I love you more than anything, my dear, but yes. Now.'' + +Ey waited until ey could breathe properly after the squeeze, then kissed the top of her head. ``I love you too, May. Please be safe, okay?'' + +She nodded once more, relinquished her grip on em, and nudged em out toward the back door and outside. + +Sasha had set up a tent similar to E.W.'s, though she had skipped the process of building it herself, instead creating from similar materials off the exchange. She'd set it up nearly on the other side of the lake from their house, so that she could have the solitude that she needed without having to create some new sim of her own. When the need for space struck her, it never quite got to the point that it did with E.W. She would need away from their presences, she would say. They felt like a constant weight on her shoulders. Light, yes, but continually present. + +Ah well. This was the first time that May had overflowed in this living situation—and so dramatically, too—so perhaps it would be helpful after all. + +Ey took eir time walking around the shore of the lake, using it to vent the emotions that had built up over the last few hours through tears, through shouting into a cone of silence, cursing. + +``Ioan? Goodness,'' Sasha said. + +Ey'd managed to mostly clean up with a handkerchief, though clearly eir eyes were still red-rimmed and eir countenance\ldots well, who knew? Glum, perhaps? + +``Hi Sasha,'' ey said, sitting down on the step leading up into the tent. The skunk had been writing at the small desk she'd acquired, but she moved to join em. ``May's not in a good spot. She suggested I stay with you, if that's alright.'' + +She frowned, nodded. ``That bad?'' + +``Well, she kind of kicked me out of the house, yeah.'' + +She laid her ears flat. ``We are perhaps both overflowing in our own ways.'' + +``Oh, shit. I wasn't thinking. Douglas--'' Ey moved to stand, but she grabbed eir wrist. + +``I had seen this coming, if I am honest, so it is not hitting me quite so hard as her. I will be okay.'' + +Ey nodded, slowly settled back onto the step. ``If you say so.'' + +Sasha patted eir hand and bade em stay while she got up to stoke up the fire in her stove and fry up a simple meal of potatoes and vegetables. Ey couldn't tell if it was just bland—as E.W. preferred—or if eir mind was too busy to process taste, so ey mostly just pushed the food around on the plate. + +``Without contraries is no progression,'' Sasha murmured after they'd finished. ``Attraction and repulsion, reason and energy, love and hate, are necessary to human existence.'' + +Ey started to ask what she meant, paused, then looked the words up in the perisystem architecture. ``Blake? And here I thought you all were mostly into Dickinson.'' + +She chuckled and elbowed em in the side. ``This may be a True Name thing.'' + +``Are you leaning into the ``Good is the passive that obeys reason; Evil is the active springing from Energy'' on this, then?'' + +``Nothing is so simple, dear,'' she said, shaking her head. ``Blake was not of our kind, he would not have understood. He did get that right, though, in that we are a people of dualities. May sees in Zacharias all that she cannot—must not—be. In Dreams and Hammered Silver see in me that which they are not—could not be—and yet we are not what we are without our opposites. Every idea's opposite is just the absence of the idea itself.'' + +``Maybe.'' Ey sighed. ``It's all a bit over my head.'' + +``I am also a little bit all over the place,'' she admitted. ``These events have me going in three different directions at once. The Ode clade is crumbling and I cannot deny that some\ldots that much of that is on me. I am sorry, Ioan.'' + +``I don't even know what to think about that,'' ey said, shaking eir head. ``It's kind of a lot.'' + +``That it is. You are a good person, though. You love your partner. She knows this. \emph{I} know this. You are good to her and it will all be okay. We may hope for neat endings but all we get are more beginnings.'' She smiled, adding, ``And yes, you may stay until she is feeling better.'' diff --git a/mitzvot/content/043.tex b/mitzvot/content/043.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..e44a025 --- /dev/null +++ b/mitzvot/content/043.tex @@ -0,0 +1,225 @@ +\begin{center}\rule{0.5\linewidth}{0.5pt}\end{center} + +May's stint of overflowing only lasted two nights. Something about the change in context, though, about staying with Sasha instead of Douglas, made everything feel tenuous, delicate. Ioan found it difficult to sleep on the padded cot that she'd added to the tent, and eventually, she must have grown tired of hearing em toss and turn (and perhaps mumble to emself), for she sleepily climbed out of her own bed and into eirs, curling up with em after confirming that it was alright. + +Unexpected, perhaps, but by then ey was too frustrated and exhausted to think of anything else. The added comfort certainly worked in getting em to sleep, to the point where ey slept in until a ray of sun, creeping slowly, fell across eir face and warmed em awake. + +Sasha had apparently woken up earlier in the morning and snuck away, as there was a lukewarm cup of camp coffee sitting by the edge of eir bed and no skunk to be found. + +Ah well, at least the coffee was good (if gritty) and ey felt better rested than ey had before. + +Ey met up with her at the shore of the lake where they talked for a bit, though it was clear that she was antsy to head out into the woods on her own, so ey eventually shooed her off, to which she bowed gratefully and said, ``My notes are on my desk. If you get bored, I would appreciate your feedback.'' + +Ey spent the rest of the abbreviated day reading through what she'd written, making a mental list of ideas and suggestions to pass on to her when things were a little less hectic. + +That night was much the same, with the two of them talking until it was well and truly dark, then settling into their own beds until sleeplessness led to them curling together in one. + +A ping from May shortly after sunrise woke em, and the jolt startled Sasha awake as well. + +``Uh, sorry,'' ey mumbled, extricating eir arms from around her. ``May pinged.'' + +Sasha levered herself up and squinted out into the orange and pink of dawn. ``How is she up before me?'' she grumbled. + +``Probably because she got good sleep and I kept you up being a mope.'' + +She shrugged noncommittally, yawned. ``Slept well enough later on, at least. Did she say anything?'' + +Ey shook eir head. ``No, just a ping. No real urgency, though. Surprised I didn't sleep through it.'' + +``You are appropriately keyed to her, dear. I would be surprised if you did.'' + +``Mm, fair enough,'' ey said, grinding the heels of eir palms against eir eyes. To May, ey sent a ping in response, plus a subvocalized, ``\emph{You okay?}'' + +``\emph{Better, yes,}'' came the reply. ``\emph{I am feeling quite bad about sending you off like that. Not about waking you up, though. You sound cute when you are groggy.}'' + +Ey snorted, shook eir head. ``Yeah, she's fine,'' ey said. + +Sasha surprised em by joining em on the trek back to the house, saying only, ``I have been worried, as well.'' + +May greeted them at the balcony with steaming mugs of coffee. She declined a hug, stating that she felt gross, but did at least press her nose to Ioan's, and then to Sasha's cheek. + +``Thank you for giving me some space,'' she said. ``I was not expecting the both of you, but I am happy to see you two all the same.'' + +``Of course, May. I'm just happy to see you doing better. Or happier, at least. You look a mess.'' + +She scoffed and gestured a paw down at herself. ``I look perfectly fine, thank you very much.'' + +``You look a mess, dear,'' Sasha confirmed. ``You need a shower, a change of clothes, and perhaps another four hours of sleep.'' + +May sighed, nodded. ``I do at that. All the same, the wave has crested and gone, and now perhaps I can relax enough to do so. Coffee first, though. + +They settled on deck chairs for Sasha's sake and focused on said coffee for a bit, watching the dawn. It was good to be back to coffee that didn't require straining out the occasional percolated ground through one's teeth. + +``Are you two okay?'' May said at last. + +``Tired, but that's easily fixed. Looking forward to a real bed tonight.'' + +Sasha poked at eir knee with a dull claw. ``The tent beds are not \emph{that} bad.'' + +``No, they're fine, but they still pale in comparison to our bed.'' + +``Well, yes, I will admit that.'' + +May looked between the two, then laughed. ``I take it this setup worked for me taking some space?'' + +Ioan shrugged. ``Well enough, sure. It's nice to have another option that isn't just crashing at Douglas's.'' + +``It was fine, dear,'' Sasha added. ``If ever either of you need some space, feel free to kick the other down to the tent and I will make it work.'' + +``I am glad,'' May said. ``Earnestly. Ioan was such a solitary creature that I did not ever picture having neighbors when I moved in all those years ago. It is nice to have a friend close by.'' + +``Aren't all of your friends equally close now that--'' + +Sasha cut em off, shaking her head. ``Ioan, do you remember how I said that I feel others' presence around me like a weight on my shoulders?'' + +Ey nodded. + +``I think it is rather like that, though do correct me if I am wrong, May. Even when I am hiding away in my tent, I am still more present than a friend out of sim is.'' + +``Basically,'' May said. ``Never mind one who knows me so intimately now.'' + +Sasha nodded, hesitated, then said, ``On that note, are \emph{you} okay?'' + +``I\ldots well,'' she began, sighed, and shook her head. ``I am upset, and I am disappointed that I am upset. I was so ready to be done with hatred, but I am stuck with yet more of it. Hatred from In Dreams, hatred of Zacharias, hatred in myself. More than the experiences with In Dreams and Zacharias, that feeling is what led to the past few days of tears. I thought that I was done.'' + +``I understand. While I am thinking of it, I would like to talk with you about Zacharias at some point—nothing serious, just strategizing future meltdowns of his. Ioan said he kept trying to force merges on you just to get your attention.'' + +May winced. ``Ugh, yeah. I have never felt something so intensely\ldots I do not know. It felt like a violation of my personal space on a subatomic level. What were you thinking?'' + +Sasha tilted her head. ``Now? I was going to suggest in a few days time, once you were feeling better.'' + +``Why not? I am already a mess, I am already thinking about him, and after this, I would like more than `a few days time' completely disengaged from the topic.'' She giggled, adding, ``Besides, the more I have to dump on Sarah the next time I see her the better, right?'' + +``I do not think it works that way, but I am not so much of a brat as you.'' Sasha finished her coffee, set the mug down with a sense of finality, and nodded. ``Well, I suppose I am awake enough. If you do not mind, Ioan, may I steal your partner for a little bit longer? I would like to keep this first discussion between us, though I will ensure that you remain caught up. There is some\ldots history behind this she should know.'' + +``Are you up for forking, May?'' + +She hesitated, then shook her head, pushing herself up from her chair to step around behind eirs. She bent down to hug around eir shoulders from behind, cheek pressed against eir own. ``I cannot cope with conflicts right now. I cannot yet work in parallel.'' + +Ey rested eir cheek against hers and frowned down to eir coffee for a few moments, sighed, then nodded. ``Alright, but I get the May for the rest of the day, okay?'' + +They both laughed. + +``Of course, Ioan,'' Sasha said. ``If you would like some company out on the balcony or something, I have no such compunctions about forking.'' + +Ey felt May nod against eir cheek. ``I am not pushing further solitude on you, my dear. Take some coffee and breakfast with you. I do not imagine we will be all that long.'' + +Still cognizant of her saying that she felt gross, ey patted one of her paws and turned eir head enough to kiss her on the cheek. ``Alright, that sounds good.'' + +Ey pulled together a breakfast of rolls to go along with a thermos of coffee, got one more nose-press of a kiss with May, and stepped back outside with an instance of Sasha. + +The house had been set up on a portion of the slope that was turned a little toward the west for sunset views, meaning that the sun was not yet hitting the balcony. Autumn had gotten chilly enough at night, though, that they decided instead to walk down to the boulder lakeside, which would almost certainly be in full sun, even if it was less comfortable than the deck chairs. + +They sat in silence, drinking their coffee and eating rolls with butter and honey. + +``Do you think you'll stay, Sasha?'' Ioan said, once the rhythm of the silence made room for conversation. + +``I am too much myself to say that I will stay forever, but as long as my room and tent are there, as long as you and May are comfortable with me being a part of your lives, I will be happy to call it home. Or at least \emph{a} home.'' + +``Really? No bigger and brighter things?'' + +She laughed and leaned over to touch her nose to eir cheek. ``This \emph{is} bigger and brighter things, Ioan.'' + +``Well, I'm sure we'll talk about it plenty, but I see no reason not to keep your room about, and your tent's certainly no trouble. I don't know what you overflowing will look like, but if it involves two thirds solitude and one third getting lost walking sims, I don't imagine you'll be around all the time.'' + +``Not at all, no. I will spend my share of time at the tent to be alone or out walking the world. Perhaps I will even ask you to double the rest of the house so that I can cook somewhere domestic, not just the wild.'' + +``Of course.'' Ey shrugged, tossing one of eir collected pebbles into the lake. ``Besides, I like having you around.'' + +``I am pleased to hear that. I had gathered such, but all the same, I would not want to be a bother.'' + +``Oh, not at all. It seems like we're all pretty good at sorting things out when they do come up, so I don't imagine it'll get to that point.'' + +``And I am not impinging too much on your and May's relationship?'' she asked, holding out her paw for one of eir pebbles. ``I am asking her, too, and we will continue to talk together, but I also want to ask you directly.'' + +Ey smiled, handing over the small rock. ``I don't think so. So long as we can still have time to ourselves when we need, I'll be happy.'' + +She tossed the pebble out into the water. ``Of course, dear.'' After a pause, she grinned and added, ``She is gushing about you now. She loves you very much, you know.'' + +Ioan chuckled. ``I love her too. I worry sometimes, but all I can do is trust her.'' + +``Yes. She will not betray that trust. I know to an extent just how much she means to you and to a much greater extent how much you mean to her.'' + +They sat in quiet for a while, tossing pebbles into the water until ey ran out. + +``Hey Sasha?'' + +``Mm?'' + +``Do you miss anything from before all this?'' + +She shrugged. ``It is hard to tell. As I have said, I liked being True Name. It was fulfilling. Every time I think about that now, though, it is intercut with memories of other happinesses. I will think about some particularly adroit political move and remember it fondly, but right along with it is a memory of a successful hunt or of making fun of you for your pen collection.'' + +Ey laughed. + +``In confidence?'' + +``Sure.'' + +``Do you remember when I asked May about how she cemented aspects of her personality by forking?'' + +``Mmhm.'' + +``There was one more change that I made during that meeting, which was to cement this triad of identities within me. It became who I am by accident, but it has become an integral part of me. I welcomed it in, owned it, made it a part of myself. I will ever be what I am.'' + +``Really? You're okay staying in three parts?'' + +``I am. I am happy to. I am \emph{excited} to. There is something pleasant about the just-off-center nature of that reality. It is home to me. I am Sasha, and I am also True Name, E.W., and May. I am of three minds.'' + +``So long as that works for you.'' + +``I think it will. It is a way to be earnestly myself.'' + +Ey nodded. ``And I'm guessing you don't miss the social part of that life too much? Jonas or Zacharias or the rest of your stanza.'' + +She poked at eir side with a claw. ``You do not need to ask stupid questions, Ioan.'' + +``Right, right,'' ey said, laughing. ``I figured no love lost, but--'' + +``I did not love any of them, as friends or otherwise,'' she said, waving away the rest of eir comment. ``Now that I have known other kinds of love, I am confident of that.'' + +Her tone wasn't upset or dismissive, but was assertive enough that ey dropped the point. ``Well, writing sounds like a good career shift, then.'' + +``Says the writer,'' she said, slouching against eir side. + +``I liked what you've gotten down so far, and I have a few notes. We'll talk about it when we're back at a desk, though.'' + +``Of course. I will be leaning on you a lot for help.'' + +``I mean, you're leaning on me now.'' + +``Smartass,'' she drawled. + +Ey grinned. ``I mean, no complaints. It's still a little surprising, sometimes. I guess on some level I'm still getting used to it, but May got me hooked on physical contact a long time ago.'' + +``A coordinated attack on your defenses, yes,'' she said. ``It makes my job easier.'' + +``What job?'' + +``Just finding a way to stick around friends. Nothing nefarious, dear.'' + +Ey shook eir head. ``Right, sorry. I trust you.'' + +``I agree with what May said, Ioan. Should I want anything beyond that, I will come by it honestly. I will not manipulate my way into anything.'' + +``I appreciate that.'' Ey hugged an arm around her. Ey was grateful for her looking out at the lake rather than at em, given the heat ey could feel rising to eir cheeks. ``While we're being honest, though, I think we're sort of in the same boat, given what you share with May. We can both imagine that, but not necessarily the path from here to there. May called it `the concept versus the mechanics'.'' + +``Precisely. I imagine the same applies to you, that you will come by it earnestly.'' + +Ey nodded. ``Basically. \emph{Is} it something you'd want?'' + +``God, I have no fucking clue, Ioan,'' she said, laughing. + +``Definitely same boat, then. It's a problem for future Ioan.'' + +They fell into silence again. Part of em was itching for more pebbles to toss into the water, but ey was too comfortable to get up to collect more from the beach. + +``That is a part of the reason that I kept that of my old cocladists,'' Sasha murmured. ``I kept some doubt from E.W., enough to keep me grounded without keeping me torn. From May, I am keeping a little bit of overwhelming emotions. The possibility of simply falling for everyone around me is alluring. I can taste it in the memories, like a little bit of saccharine, gritty on the tongue. But I am keeping a little bit of caution from True Name so that it remains a new thing for me. I am of three minds Like a tree In which there are three blackbirds.'' + +Ey turned her words over in eir mind, along with whatever snippet of verse it was she'd quoted. The thought was complete. Nothing ey could respond with would add to it. It was curious, and hinted at things beyond eir ken, but it was complete. + +Instead, ey said, ``You're a good person, Sasha. All three of you are good people.'' + +``And you, dear, are a dork.'' She laughed. ``But come, my tail is falling asleep, and my fork's conversation with May has wrapped up and she misses you greatly.'' + +They walked back, then, hand in paw, following the trail as it dipped down to the water or ducked up into the trees. Back home, back to May, back to whatever it was that life had become. diff --git a/mitzvot/content/044.tex b/mitzvot/content/044.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..58ae582 --- /dev/null +++ b/mitzvot/content/044.tex @@ -0,0 +1,15 @@ +\begin{quote} +\emph{To deny the end is to deny all beginnings,}\\ +\emph{and to deny beginnings is to become immortal,}\\ +\emph{and to become immortal is to repeat the past.} + +It has been a quarter of a millennium since eir death, and yet less than a quarter of a thousand people know eir name. Fitting, then, that I tell you the story of RJ Brewster, of the poet and the one true origin of our world, of our very own ghost in the system, of the whispers in your dreams and the one who binds us to immortality. +\end{quote} + +From \emph{Ode} by Sasha\\ +a companion volume to \emph{On the Origin of Our World}\\ +2365/systime 241+21 + +\begin{center}\rule{0.5\linewidth}{0.5pt}\end{center} + +\emph{Continue on to \href{/selected-letters}{``Selected Letters''}, the Kickstarter-backed extended epilogue for the Post-Self cycle.} diff --git a/mitzvot/content/letters/001.tex b/mitzvot/content/letters/001.tex index 4a67f37..8daa3f0 100644 --- a/mitzvot/content/letters/001.tex +++ b/mitzvot/content/letters/001.tex @@ -5,7 +5,7 @@ \itshape systime 222 (2346) -Castor---Lagrange transmission delay:\\ +Castor—Lagrange transmission delay:\\ 30 days, 14 hours, 37 minutes \end{quote} @@ -19,19 +19,19 @@ But for some reason, that isn't what happened. Let me start over. -After all that happened, after all the decisions that had already been made, it felt like there was one more that needed to happen. I needed to figure out what I was going to do about myself with regards to Artemis. I asked surprisingly few people for advice on this. I mentioned it briefly to my partners, and Dear thought it was an okay idea, though I could tell that neither of them were totally sold on the idea. +After all that happened, after all the decisions that had already been made, it felt like there was one more that needed to happen. I needed to figure out what I was going to do about myself with regards to Artemis. I asked surprisingly few people for advice on this. I mentioned it briefly to my partners, and Dear thought it was an okay idea, though I could tell that neither of them were totally sold on it. On looking back, it's weird how little agency we attribute to our forks at first. The biggest complaint against the idea that they had was that they didn't want to see how much the fork I sent would miss me. \Partner\ was the one who wound up selling Dear on the idea, oddly enough, by reminding it just how much individuation can happen. It's been stuck in instance artistry too long, not letting itself deviate because its instances simply don't last long enough. That was the origin of Sorina. Sorina Bălan, third of our clade, born at sunrise. I took that idea to heart and, when I decided to fork last week, I pushed individuation as hard and as fast as I could. I had a hundred paces to do so, a hundred steps between cairns to make sure that she was herself and that I remained myself. -And yet I'm not sure I \emph{did} remain myself. A part of me died, and I do not know what to say about that. I pushed individuation on her — and see, here I go, taking her agency from her! — while I did my best to stay the same, to simply walk the prairie and think only of home and of Dear and of \Partner\ and not of Artemis and a life without them. I didn't think of names. I didn't think of time skew or forking. I didn't think of anything but the pending sunrise. +And yet I'm not sure I \emph{did} remain myself. A part of me died, and I do not know what to say about that. I pushed individuation on her—and see, here I go, taking her agency from her!—while I did my best to stay the same, to simply walk the prairie and think only of home and of Dear and of \Partner\ and not of Artemis and a life without them. I didn't think of names. I didn't think of time skew or forking. I didn't think of anything but the pending sunrise. I also didn't think of forgetting, and that's what got me over the weekend. Sorina and I seem to have been of one mind that we'd give it a bit of time before getting in touch with each other, but she hasn't left my thoughts since we forked. She \emph{can't} leave my thoughts. I \emph{can't} forget her. But I realized she can forget me. She can forget us. -There may come a day — and I pray that that `may' is accurate, for my sake if nothing else — when she cannot remember me, cannot remember any of us, cannot remember why we love the ones we do. For all of the complaints about our impeccable memories, this is one instance that I struggle to see myself living without. +There may come a day—and I pray that that `may' is accurate, for my sake if nothing else—when she cannot remember me, cannot remember any of us, cannot remember why we love the ones we do. For all of the complaints about our impeccable memories, this is one instance that I struggle to see myself living without. What do I do? How do I live with the life I've created for myself? How do I internalize that a part of me has died? diff --git a/mitzvot/content/letters/002.tex b/mitzvot/content/letters/002.tex index 195df3c..ae3eb8c 100644 --- a/mitzvot/content/letters/002.tex +++ b/mitzvot/content/letters/002.tex @@ -5,10 +5,10 @@ \itshape systime 222 (2346) -Lagrange---Castor transmission delay:\\ +Lagrange—Castor transmission delay:\\ 30 days, 14 hours, 37 minutes -Lagrange---Pollux transmission delay:\\ +Lagrange—Pollux transmission delay:\\ 30 days, 14 hours, 41 minutes \end{quote} @@ -26,7 +26,7 @@ I think part of why this came when it did is due to the convergence. I know that Finally and perhaps most impactful for me, I had the chance to meet one-on-one with True Name during convergence. Even after a month of thinking about the meeting, I'm still unsure what to make of it. -I, like you two, had the chance to interview her a few times during the process of pulling together the \emph{History}, so I had been expecting the same frightful competence that I saw twenty-odd years ago. +I, like you two, had the chance to interview her a few times during the process of pulling together the \emph{History}, so I had been expecting to see the same frightful competence that I saw twenty-odd years ago. I did not. @@ -34,7 +34,7 @@ It's difficult for me to describe the ways in which she's changed. She's\ldots o And yet from what you two have said, other than her experience on Artemis, she's still going strong on both the LVs. -I don't really know what to do with this information, honestly. I keep thinking about things I could have said or questions I could have asked, but it always gets muddled up in my head given her similarities to May. I've spent so long with May that seeing someone as similar to her as True Name in distress yet be unable to comfort in the same ways I might has me rudderless. +I don't really know what to do with this information, honestly. I keep thinking about things I could have said or questions I could have asked, but it always gets muddled up in my head given her similarities to May. I've spent so long with May that seeing someone as similar to her as True Name in distress, yet be unable to comfort in the same ways I might, has me rudderless. Either way, I've set up another meeting with her now that convergence news has settled into a more steady stream, so I guess we'll see where that leads. @@ -54,9 +54,9 @@ I'm also worried about you. Your last letter led to a few conversations between I know that when you became Codrin, that was not something that I'd foreseen, and despite the surface similarities, this feels fundamentally different. It's a new thing for us, I think. You two were borne out of the changes that the Odists wrought on us, but Sorina was borne out of changes coming from within. -I know that I risk our messages passing each other through the great big nothing between us, so perhaps there's more already on the way, but perhaps you can tell me more about her, or about the both of you? +I know that I risk our messages passing each other through the great big nothing between us, so perhaps there's more already on the way, but perhaps you can tell me more about that first day? -To be clear, none of this is for the play. I spent some time talking with Sarah about it and she had some suggestions for what my role in this matter is. Doubtless you've been speaking with her about your role, and perhaps you and Sorina are still talking things through, but maybe Sarah has some suggestions? Maybe you can tell me more about her, too — the good things you remember, in particular. What do you like best about her? What are your hopes for her? What wishes do you have? +To be clear, none of this is for the play. I spent some time talking with Sarah about it and she had some suggestions for what my role in this matter is. Doubtless you've been speaking with her about your role, and perhaps you and Sorina are still talking things through, but maybe Sarah has some suggestions? Maybe you can tell me more about her, too—the good things you remember, in particular. What do you like best about her? What are your hopes for her? What wishes do you have? Lean on those around you to whatever level you're comfortable with, and know that I'm here, firmly rooted as you say. I'll offer all that I can. diff --git a/mitzvot/content/letters/003.tex b/mitzvot/content/letters/003.tex index f54cb0c..084c8fc 100644 --- a/mitzvot/content/letters/003.tex +++ b/mitzvot/content/letters/003.tex @@ -5,13 +5,13 @@ \itshape systime 222 (2346) -Castor---Lagrange transmission delay:\\ +Castor—Lagrange transmission delay:\\ 30 days, 20 hours, 22 minutes -Castor---Pollux transmission delay:\\ +Castor—Pollux transmission delay:\\ 61 days, 18 hours, 8 minutes -Castor---Artemis transmission delay:\\ +Castor—Artemis transmission delay:\\ 7 hours, 38 minutes \end{quote} @@ -21,13 +21,13 @@ I've been nudged by both Dear and, of all people, True Name to write you with an We copied the entirety of our sim into Convergence wholesale. Dear transferred ownership of the one on Castor back to Serene during a little party we had. It said that it was to apologize for wrecking the last one, and that it would try to be more careful with the new one, but that she'd better take care of the Castor version for now. It made a whole big show out of it, because of course it did, but it was a fun party all the same. -Nothing about our sim feels any different, which, on writing it, makes perfect sense. It's a duplicate down to the subatomic level.\footnote{If that even means anything on the System.} However, the world that's available to us when we try to move between sims is far, far from the same. There are fewer places, yes, but it's all much more organized. They've decided to set up a central hub with five spokes, each `belonging' to a race. The hub and spokes — essentially long pedestrian malls — act as the primary public/common areas for everyone. It's not that there aren't public sims outside of this, but these are always at the top of everyone's mind when they think about going out. +Nothing about our sim feels any different, which, on writing it, makes perfect sense. It's a duplicate down to the subatomic level.\footnote{If that even means anything on the System.} However, the world that's available to us when we try to move between sims is far, far from the same. There are fewer places, yes, but it's all much more organized. They've decided to set up a central hub with five spokes, each `belonging' to a race. The hub and spokes—essentially long pedestrian malls—act as the primary public/common areas for everyone. It's not that there aren't public sims outside of this, but these are always at the top of everyone's mind when they think about going out. Along each spoke are all sorts of shops, restaurants, entertainment venues, and doors leading to larger public spaces. It started out as a non-euclidean type thing, where you would see a walkway between two shops leading out into a park that would clearly take up most of the spoke itself until too many people complained and the walkways were opaqued with a sort of curtain that depicted what was beyond. In addition, every doorway that would lead to a violation like this has been set up to give a slight tingle when transiting, just as an added signal. I haven't found it too much of a problem, but some voices were quite loud. The actual population of Convergence isn't all that large. There are a few million humans, about a million each of secondrace (who call themselves Dehoudevav, which is just `second people') and thirdrace (whose name I'll never be able to pronounce, much less write, but who the Artemisians, predictably enough, call Dehoudeves, or `third people'). Nearly every member of fourthrace (Dehoudever, natch) elected to join after learning about how our System is based around forking rather than skew, though this only totals a million or so. -Firstrace, then, is the outlier. Only about a thousand of them have joined us. None have provided anything more than a vague answer as to why, too. Our best guess is that only one from each `clade' (or whatever structure is implied by their names) joined us with the exception of Turun Ka and Turun Ko due to their role in the discussions. They sound like they like us alright, they just didn't sound very interested in joining us beyond that scope. No one seems to be able to make heads or tails of their actions. +Firstrace—Dehoudevans—then, is the outlier. Only about a thousand of them have joined us. None have provided anything more than a vague answer as to why, too. Our best guess is that only one from each `clade' (or whatever structure is implied by their names) joined us with the exception of Turun Ka and Turun Ko due to their role in the discussions. They sound like they like us alright, they just didn't sound very interested in joining us beyond that scope. No one seems to be able to make heads or tails of their actions. That said, they've all been incredibly polite, even kind. One of them, Anin Li has teamed up with Sarah and I as we work on knowledge share around therapeutic practices between races. As I'm also learning that for the first time, I've got a mountain of work ahead of me. @@ -37,7 +37,7 @@ All the same, it feels like we're all being very careful around each other, stil The document will have a whole lot more that you'll likely find interesting, but I just wanted to pass on some more personal impressions as well. -I mentioned that True Name suggested that I write to you all about this, which was honestly a little strange. Not strange in that she's been talking with me — we see each other nearly every day and have fallen into a professional relationship — but that she pulled me aside to have a really quite earnest discussion about it. +I mentioned that True Name suggested that I write to you all about this, which was honestly a little strange. Not strange in that she's been talking with me—we see each other nearly every day and have fallen into a professional relationship—but that she pulled me aside to have a really quite earnest discussion about it. I've seen enough of her with all pretense stripped away to know what her true earnestness looks like, and this was \emph{almost} that. There's definitely still something going on under the surface. diff --git a/mitzvot/content/letters/004.tex b/mitzvot/content/letters/004.tex index bd77541..1026c58 100644 --- a/mitzvot/content/letters/004.tex +++ b/mitzvot/content/letters/004.tex @@ -5,7 +5,7 @@ \itshape systime 222 (2346) -Artemis---Lagrange transmission delay:\\ +Artemis—Lagrange transmission delay:\\ 31 days, 15 hours, 13 minutes \end{quote} @@ -13,11 +13,11 @@ Ioan, While I'm sure that Codrin\#Castor's already told you plenty about me, I wanted to send you a letter directly. -Something about winding up here in a place so fundamentally different from where we've lived before has me in mind of the past. I wasn't quite sure why this was, at first. Obviously, I miss the prairie and life aboard Castor, but one would think that I'd be more worried about what's in front of me than what's behind me. The prospect of months or years aboard this new world — never mind the core facets of existing in this place — gives me plenty of time to worry about the future at my leisure, though. +Something about winding up here in a place so fundamentally different from where we've lived before has me in mind of the past. I wasn't quite sure why this was, at first. Obviously, I miss the prairie and life aboard Castor, but one would think that I'd be more worried about what's in front of me than what's behind me. The prospect of months or years aboard this new world—never mind the core facets of existing in this place—gives me plenty of time to worry about the future at my leisure, though. I suppose leaving behind so much is reason enough to think about the past. -I could spend all of that time thinking about my partners (and I've certainly been thinking about them plenty), but you've been coming up in my thoughts more than I'd expected. Something about this extra layer of individuation has you feeling even less like a down-tree instance than you did before, and far more like a good friend or close family member — especially given how much I miss you. +I could spend all of that time thinking about my partners (and I've certainly been thinking about them plenty), but you've been coming up in my thoughts more than I'd expected. Something about this extra layer of individuation has you feeling even less like a down-tree instance than you did before, and far more like a good friend or close family member—especially given how much I miss you. I miss you! Is that weird to say? Perhaps. We've never met, have we? Ruminating on my roots has me thinking fondly on all that's come and gone. We are stuck however many billions of kilometers apart, though, and that distance will only grow, the time between messages will only ever get longer. At least I think I better understand what Dear was talking about with regards to the difference between longing and being missed. diff --git a/mitzvot/content/letters/005.tex b/mitzvot/content/letters/005.tex index baf8ef3..6fafd23 100644 --- a/mitzvot/content/letters/005.tex +++ b/mitzvot/content/letters/005.tex @@ -3,26 +3,26 @@ \begin{quote} \itshape -systime 223 (2347)\\ +systime 223 (2347) -Castor---Lagrange transmission delay:\\ -32 days, 3 hour, 2 minutes +Castor—Lagrange transmission delay:\\ +32 days, 3 hours, 2 minutes -Castor---Pollux transmission delay:\\ +Castor—Pollux transmission delay:\\ 64 days, 8 hours, 33 minutes \end{quote} Ioan, Codrin, -I'm glad that you enjoyed my description of Dear's recent performance, Ioan. Codrin, I hope your Dear manages to take some good stuff from that (I know mine sent over a whole sheaf of notes). Watching foxes of various sizes try to waltz with second- and thirdracers was funny enough, but the sole firstracer in attendance (Anin Li, who I've mentioned before as one of the two Artemisian psychologists) trying to figure out how to waltz with a fox — even one the same size as it — was more amusing than it should have been. +I'm glad that you enjoyed my description of Dear's recent performance, Ioan. Codrin, I hope your Dear manages to take some good stuff from that (I know mine sent over a whole sheaf of notes). Watching foxes of various sizes try to waltz with second- and thirdracers was funny enough, but the sole firstracer in attendance (Anin Li, who I've mentioned before as one of the two Artemisian psychologists) trying to figure out how to waltz with a fox—even one the same size as it—was more amusing than it should have been. I had to make sure that there was at least some pleasantness to this letter, because I'm afraid that the rest of it is going to be a bit dreary. You'll notice that Sorina isn't in the recipients list. I've mentioned to you both previously that the process of seeing her off to Artemis was more painful than expected, that I've been struggling with the feelings that I have both about that act of individuation and the possibility of forgetting that Artemis grants its occupants. Now, though, you can add, ``radio silence from her'' to the list of things I'm having a hard time with. -It's not even that big of an issue. Her last letter to me was a short, polite request that she be given a little space while she works out her feelings on Dear and \Partner . I can very much respect that, of course. That they're my partners means that a lot of what I'd have to talk about would involve them. Not all, but asking me to just not talk about something that makes up the majority of my life would be uncomfortable for both of us. +It's not even that big of an issue. Her last letter to me was a short, polite request that she be given a little space while she works out her feelings on Dear and \Partner. I can very much respect that, of course. That they're my partners means that a lot of what I'd have to talk about would involve them. Not all, but asking me to just not talk about something that makes up the majority of my life would be uncomfortable for both of us. -Still, it's been nearly a year since convergence, and other than the first two letters — the one to the clade and the note to me — I've not heard from her at all. Sarah has confirmed that she's still around and doing well enough. +Still, it's been nearly a year since convergence, and other than the first two letters—the one to the clade and the note to me—I've not heard from her at all. Sarah has confirmed that she's still around and doing well enough. Sometimes, people drift apart. I know that. How many dozens (hundreds?) of people have we met in our 140-odd years that we spent time with and then slowly drifted away from? diff --git a/mitzvot/content/letters/006.tex b/mitzvot/content/letters/006.tex index 6e722cd..0669984 100644 --- a/mitzvot/content/letters/006.tex +++ b/mitzvot/content/letters/006.tex @@ -5,7 +5,7 @@ \itshape systime 225 (2349) -Artemis---Lagrange transmission delay:\\ +Artemis—Lagrange transmission delay:\\ 35 days, 20 hours, 24 minutes \end{quote} @@ -13,7 +13,7 @@ Ioan, I'm breaking my communications embargo to message you directly in the strictest confidence. I don't know the details, but I'm pretty sure this will pass through Castor without pinging Codrin or my exes (or anyone, for that matter). The last thing I want is yet another tearful letter from any of them just because my name flashed across their feeds. -Well. I say `yet another tearful letter', but there's only been three — one for each of them — so I'm hardly being bombarded, but I just\ldots I can't, Ioan. +Well. I say `yet another tearful letter', but there's only been three—one for each of them—so I'm hardly being bombarded, but I just\ldots I can't, Ioan. I need to talk to someone about this. I need to talk to someone who truly understands. I talk to Sarah quite a bit, of course, both in a therapeutic and a professional context, but there needs to be that sense of connection to the matter on a more personal level than just therapist to client. She's a delight to work with and an amazing teacher. @@ -51,7 +51,7 @@ That's not what happened, though. I got right to work with Sarah and Artante, an They still have each other back on Castor, though. They still love each other, living out on that prairie in that ridiculous house, and all their letters serve to do is to drag me back into that mindset. -The real crux — really, the real reason this is all making me panic so much — is that I'm forgetting. +The real crux—really, the real reason this is all making me panic so much—is that I'm forgetting. Forgetting! How novel! diff --git a/mitzvot/content/letters/007.tex b/mitzvot/content/letters/007.tex index 191b657..fbcf2ae 100644 --- a/mitzvot/content/letters/007.tex +++ b/mitzvot/content/letters/007.tex @@ -2,12 +2,13 @@ \subsection{Codrin Bălan\#Pollux — The Bălan clade}\label{codrin-bux103lanpollux-the-bux103lan-clade}} \begin{quote} -systime 225 (2349)\\ +\itshape +systime 225 (2349) -Pollux---Lagrange transmission delay:\\ +Pollux—Lagrange transmission delay:\\ 35 days, 9 hours, 48 minutes -Pollux---Castor transmission delay:\\ +Pollux—Castor transmission delay:\\ 71 days, 13 minutes \end{quote} @@ -25,4 +26,4 @@ Codrin, have you heard anything? What do I do? ---- C +— C diff --git a/mitzvot/content/letters/008.tex b/mitzvot/content/letters/008.tex index aeab779..94437b7 100644 --- a/mitzvot/content/letters/008.tex +++ b/mitzvot/content/letters/008.tex @@ -14,15 +14,16 @@ Note that, from this point forward, all communications include an exclusion clau \subsection{Aurel Bălan—The Bălan clade}\label{aurel-bux103lan-the-bux103lan-clade}} \begin{quote} +\itshape systime 226 (2350) -Lagrange---Pollux transmission delay:\\ +Lagrange—Pollux transmission delay:\\ 36 days, 12 hours, 53 minutes -Lagrange---Castor transmission delay:\\ +Lagrange—Castor transmission delay:\\ 36 days, 18 hours, 10 minutes -Lagrange---Artemis transmission delay:\\ +Lagrange—Artemis transmission delay:\\ 37 days, 3 hours, 4 minutes \end{quote} @@ -68,7 +69,7 @@ Things have been a bit shaky throughout the clade, haven't they? I'm unsure of h Please feel free to take your time with it, but we really would like to hear your thoughts on both the project and the events. Releasing something on any one system is essentially equivalent to releasing it on all three Systems, so we can't simply release it here and see what happens before sending it over to the LVs. Do you have any expectations as to the reception given the general mood of the various societies? I will note that this has already been given to Jonas here, which means it has doubtless been sent out to Castor and Pollux for them to prepare for its arrival. The events were not quite what the Jonas here on Lagrange was expecting, so I doubt that his expectations on the LVs were all that different. -I will note that this is in spite of the apparent differences between the societies themselves. I know I wasn't able to properly articulate it in my letters at the time, as writing letters and writing a book are quite different activities, but it'll soon become clear that the Jonas lives within these three different societies has diverged little, that all three of them share the same goals they began with perhaps even centuries back and the launches have become yet one more tool. +I will note that this is in spite of the apparent differences between the societies themselves. I know I wasn't able to properly articulate it in my letters at the time, as writing letters and writing a book are quite different activities, but it'll soon become clear that the Jonas living within these three different societies has diverged little, that all three of them share the same goals they began with perhaps even centuries back and the launches have become yet one more tool. And what of the Odists? diff --git a/mitzvot/content/letters/009.tex b/mitzvot/content/letters/009.tex index 9aff70c..94f214d 100644 --- a/mitzvot/content/letters/009.tex +++ b/mitzvot/content/letters/009.tex @@ -3,12 +3,12 @@ \begin{quote} \itshape -systime 226 (2350)\\ +systime 226 (2350) -Pollux---Lagrange transmission delay:\\ +Pollux—Lagrange transmission delay:\\ 36 days, 22 hours, 21 minutes -Pollux---Castor transmission delay:\\ +Pollux—Castor transmission delay:\\ 71 days, 15 hours, 31 minutes \end{quote} @@ -28,15 +28,15 @@ Serene, of all of us, has been the most successful at managing her reaction. Of Anyway, that's the state of mind I've been in, so it's obviously going to color a lot of my response to \emph{Individuation and Reconciliation}. -The larger part of me is impressed — not just at the goings on and how convoluted everything got so quickly, but at the writing. Well done, you two. I'll admit to being curious how Jonas is going to spin this in order to keep working as he'd like, though I don't doubt his abilities, not least of all because he apparently still has seven of the ten Odists in True Name's stanza working with him\footnote{Any word on Zacharias, by the way?} and who knows how many others besides. +The larger part of me is impressed—not just at the goings on and how convoluted everything got so quickly, but at the writing. Well done, you two. I'll admit to being curious how Jonas is going to spin this in order to keep working as he'd like, though I don't doubt his abilities, not least of all because he apparently still has seven of the ten Odists in True Name's stanza working with him\footnote{Any word on Zacharias, by the way?} and who knows how many others besides. And Sasha! I will admit that, when I read about her, I found it almost hard to picture, so I'll have to largely take your word for it. When Dear read that bit, though, it got incredibly excited and wouldn't shut up about it for days, so clearly she's done something more meaningful than either of them can express. \emph{``We have all been so afraid of becoming what we were,''} it keeps saying, though I can't quite piece together what it means. It's even mentioned leaving the clade once or twice. Weird, but I won't complain: it's the most active and excited that I've seen it in quite a while. -Still, there is no small part of me that remains worried and cautious. The last time I spoke with True Name here on Pollux, she was quite friendly and relaxed, almost familiar. While this fits with Sasha's comment about Jonas and Zacharias framing her reaction differently on each System, it doesn't fit very well with the note that True Name sent back to Lagrange. Perhaps it's an artifact of this apparent collusion between the LVs. That the notes from both True Name\#Castor and \#Pollux were identical bespeaks a level of organization surrounding how Sasha was treated in the decades leading up to her assassination attempt — and was to be treated after — that has me worried for her safety and thus Aurel's, Ioan's, and May's. +Still, there is no small part of me that remains worried and cautious. The last time I spoke with True Name here on Pollux, she was quite friendly and relaxed, almost familiar. While this fits with Sasha's comment about Jonas and Zacharias framing her reaction differently on each System, it doesn't fit very well with the note that True Name sent back to Lagrange. Perhaps it's an artifact of this apparent collusion between the LVs. That the notes from both True Name\#Castor and \#Pollux were identical bespeaks a level of organization surrounding how Sasha was treated in the decades leading up to her assassination attempt—and was to be treated after—that has me worried for her safety and thus Aurel's, Ioan's, and May's. How cynical must one be to set up a situation where one's own fork is left so beaten down? Even if True Name on the LVs was manipulated into doing so, that still requires a certain level of buy-in to go along with, right? I'm inclined to agree with E.W.'s assessment that Jonas is treating politics as a plaything, and would add on that the same is apparently true of many of the Odists. -Be careful, Ioan and Aurel. Keep May and Sasha safe. Even if their lives aren't at risk, this is quite a lot. Clearly a sizable chunk of the clade is quite upset with them, and that can't be easy. +Be careful, Ioan and Aurel. Keep May and Sasha safe. Even if their lives aren't at risk, this is quite a lot. Clearly a sizable chunk of the clade is quite upset with them, if Hammered Silver and In Dreams's reactions are anything to go by, and that can't be easy. \begin{center} \textbf{IOAN BĂLAN AND AUREL BĂLAN INDIVIDUAL-EYES-ONLY MATERIAL} diff --git a/mitzvot/content/letters/010.tex b/mitzvot/content/letters/010.tex index 24c0b62..9d12437 100644 --- a/mitzvot/content/letters/010.tex +++ b/mitzvot/content/letters/010.tex @@ -5,7 +5,7 @@ \itshape systime 226 (2350) -Artemis---Lagrange transmission delay:\\ +Artemis—Lagrange transmission delay:\\ 38 days, 3 hours, 4 minutes \end{quote} @@ -19,7 +19,7 @@ The drama of such emotions aside, I also don't think that they are wholly discon On to my question, though. -Years ago, back when I was newly in a relationship with Dear and \Partner , I remember thinking to myself that a lot of what I'd labeled boredom was likely loneliness. I'm not totally sure how much I agree with that assessment anymore. It's not that I \emph{wasn't} lonely. I was!\footnote{I\ldots am?} I was lonely, but part of me is wondering if the constant interaction that goes along with cohabitation means that more of my time was simply occupied by dealing with others. Dinner with others. Walking the prairie with others. Working with others. Chatting with others. There was always someone around, for Dear rarely left the home entirely. Its inability to stop working meant that there was usually still one of it left around scribbling away at its desk. +Years ago, back when I was newly in a relationship with Dear and \Partner, I remember thinking to myself that a lot of what I'd labeled boredom was likely loneliness. I'm not totally sure how much I agree with that assessment anymore. It's not that I \emph{wasn't} lonely. I was!\footnote{I\ldots am?} I was lonely, but part of me is wondering if the constant interaction that goes along with cohabitation means that more of my time was simply occupied by dealing with others. Dinner with others. Walking the prairie with others. Working with others. Chatting with others. There was always someone around, for Dear rarely left the home entirely. Its inability to stop working meant that there was usually still one of it left around scribbling away at its desk. But all of it? Probably not. I was still bored on occasion, and even now I get bored. One of the things that I noticed even going back to convergence was just how quotidian everything was. Aliens, sure, but they're also just people, such as it is, living their day-to-day lives. They eat, they sleep, they talk and argue and doubtless make love (I know the fourthracers do, but that's a subject for a different letter). @@ -33,13 +33,13 @@ I'm sure I don't need to elaborate on what you've told me of May Then My Name's All this to say I've never done this before. I've never gone and sought out a relationship of my own. Do I date? Go to cafes and try to pick up a partner? Do I go to parties and drink with people until we wind up in bed? -None of these sound like me, or like us. We're not the type to go and actively seek out a relationship.\footnote{Or sex, for that matter — it was plenty nice, but I am not missing it so badly as to worry about it.} We're the type to have a relationship fall into our laps and then think and think and think and maybe in the end go along with it. It's not a bad way of approaching it, all told. +None of these sound like me, or like us. We're not the type to go and actively seek out a relationship.\footnote{Or sex, for that matter—it was plenty nice, but I am not missing it so badly as to worry about it.} We're the type to have a relationship fall into our laps and then think and think and think and maybe in the end go along with it. It's not a bad way of approaching it, all told. But is that something I want? Were a relationship to fall in my lap, would I go along with it? Is `picking up people in a cafe/at a party' just setting up situations where such a thing might happen? I don't know. More importantly, \emph{should} I go along with it? Am I now so lonely that I need to seek out a relationship in order to feel whole again, or is that just me missing my exes? -Maybe it's worth a try. Nothing need be permanent — both of our partners made sure that we understood that. I can try, and if it doesn't work out, fine. It need not be permanent, just as I said my existence here need not be permanent.\footnote{This has been greatly complicated by my inability to fork. Codrin and I rushed individuation so quickly and so effectively that, in a world where I cannot create a copy of myself that will live on, quitting becomes suicide in a very real way. I am the only Sorina, and to die would be to end anything resembling Sorina in the entire universe. That hasn't been an issue for us since the 2230s! I know that you've been thinking about Rareș more of late, but even our death to him was not permanent. We disappeared, yes, other than those few notes back, but we were not dead. Death has taken on a new flavor for us, and now I'm remembering the bitter tang of it from before we uploaded. I will need to put more thought into it.} +Maybe it's worth a try. Nothing need be permanent—both of our partners made sure that we understood that. I can try, and if it doesn't work out, fine. It need not be permanent, just as I said my existence here need not be permanent.\footnote{This has been greatly complicated by my inability to fork. Codrin and I rushed individuation so quickly and so effectively that, in a world where I cannot create a copy of myself that will live on, quitting becomes suicide in a very real way. I am the only Sorina, and to die would be to end anything resembling Sorina in the entire universe. That hasn't been an issue for us since the 2230s! I know that you've been thinking about Rareș more of late, but even our death to him was not permanent. We disappeared, yes, other than those few notes back, but we were not dead. Death has taken on a new flavor for us, and now I'm remembering the bitter tang of it from before we uploaded. I will need to put more thought into it.} I've written twelve question marks so far and not yet gotten to the question I wanted to ask. Should I seek out a new relationship \emph{before} I reengage with my exes? I want to know if I should in general, of course, but in particular, I want to know your thoughts on trying to actively process these thoughts on what relationships mean to me before I go about processing what breakups mean. diff --git a/mitzvot/content/letters/011.tex b/mitzvot/content/letters/011.tex index 6da0641..5a41493 100644 --- a/mitzvot/content/letters/011.tex +++ b/mitzvot/content/letters/011.tex @@ -5,7 +5,7 @@ \itshape systime 227 (2351) -Lagrange---Pollux transmission delay:\\ +Lagrange—Pollux transmission delay:\\ 39 days, 4 minutes \end{quote} @@ -31,7 +31,7 @@ I talked with May about this briefly, and, as I expected it would, the conversat Is that the basis of this fear? Is the fact that we specifically left him behind with Aunt Rahela in full knowledge that we'd almost certainly never see him ever again the reason we feel the way we do about the ones we love now? I don't know. I never looked him up. Not before we forked, and not since. I don't know where he is, don't know if he uploaded or died back on Earth, and I'm too afraid of that knowledge to even try. -What I do know is that, even if this is testing those limits once again, we're older — \emph{much} older — now and we're in a place where we have those around us who we can lean on. When I uploaded, I was just a stupid twenty year old with nothing to show for his life\footnote{Remember when we used those pronouns? So much has changed\ldots{}} except a desperate need to at least do one thing right. There was no one here I knew. The only thing I could do was write a note or two back to phys-side and then just bury myself in school and books to try and move on. +What I do know is that, even if this is testing those limits once again, we're older—\emph{much} older—now and we're in a place where we have those around us who we can lean on. When I uploaded, I was just a stupid twenty year old with nothing to show for his life\footnote{Remember when we used those pronouns? So much has changed\ldots{}} except a desperate need to at least do one thing right. There was no one here I knew. The only thing I could do was write a note or two back to phys-side and then just bury myself in school and books to try and move on. Now, though, you have Dear. You have Serene. You have countless friends, all of whom can be there for you, and even though any reply is two months away, I'm here for you too, as are May and Sasha and, I guess, sometimes Aurel. diff --git a/mitzvot/content/letters/012.tex b/mitzvot/content/letters/012.tex index 362b96f..2343837 100644 --- a/mitzvot/content/letters/012.tex +++ b/mitzvot/content/letters/012.tex @@ -5,7 +5,7 @@ \itshape systime 227 (2351) -Artemis---Lagrange transmission delay:\\ +Artemis—Lagrange transmission delay:\\ 38 days, 22 hours, 11 minutes \end{quote} @@ -15,13 +15,13 @@ I sent my last letter before receiving Aurel's. I will not apologize for apparen Is that what one does in this situation? Congratulate? Either way, I wish them the best. -It's also spurred a line of thinking within me that I'm still trying to tease apart, and I'm hoping that writing you will help in that. Doubtless you'll have some insights, sure, but also just the act of writing — to someone I trust, no less — should be helpful on its own. +It's also spurred a line of thinking within me that I'm still trying to tease apart, and I'm hoping that writing you will help in that. Doubtless you'll have some insights, sure, but also just the act of writing—to someone I trust, no less—should be helpful on its own. Let me begin by saying that I appreciate the way that the clade has provided me options for opting into dealing with topics regarding the Odists. It was initially quite helpful, but as I work through my thoughts on the matter, intentionally engaging with them as a topic has become my new goal. So long as that content is clearly delineated, I see no reason to hide it behind eyes-only segments. If I'm up for reading it, I'll read it. If not, I won't. Thank you for all of your thoughtfulness over the last few years. So, why the Odists? What is it about them that leads to us working so well together? We're hardly the same. We're hardly an exact match. We are two puzzle pieces in the broader whole of the world. Not \emph{matching} puzzle pieces, but close. We don't fit together perfectly.\footnote{I suspect that might have actually been rather boring.} -And perhaps that's it. Perhaps it's the way we both accept that, internalize it, make it part of who we are when taken in combination. I loved — no, still love — Dear. It was so weird, and it drove me fucking nuts at times. It could be too much, too intense. Sometimes, it was too wrapped up in its art to thoughtfully engage with the world around it. It was prone to tantrums and sulking. +And perhaps that's it. Perhaps it's the way we both accept that, internalize it, make it part of who we are when taken in combination. I loved—no, still love—Dear. It was so weird, and it drove me fucking nuts at times. It could be too much, too intense. Sometimes, it was too wrapped up in its art to thoughtfully engage with the world around it. It was prone to tantrums and sulking. But me? I was dense. Not just when I was new to the concept of relationships (though certainly more so then!), but throughout our time together, I was constantly misreading cues, misunderstanding the depths of emotions, falling apart when I hadn't the emotional literacy to deal with what was happening around me. @@ -51,7 +51,7 @@ There is one more thing that I'm a little hesitant to ask about, because I'm not I've noticed that you've been talking about Rareș quite a bit more over the last year. I touched on it briefly last letter, but I want to approach it more intentionally: what was it that brought him to mind? -I still think about him, you know. I think about how when he got frustrated, he'd smile, but with his brows knit. It was such a uniquely \emph{him} expression. I think about our parents' funeral and how, even at 10, he seemed to understand on a deep level — deeper than us — the finality of death. I think about the confusion and hurt on his face when we announced we were going to upload. It's not that he didn't love aunt Rahela, or that she didn't love us, but we were so much more a parent to him than she ever was. +I still think about him, you know. I think about how when he got frustrated, he'd smile, but with his brows knit. It was such a uniquely \emph{him} expression. I think about our parents' funeral and how, even at 10, he seemed to understand on a deep level—deeper than us—the finality of death. I think about the confusion and hurt on his face when we announced we were going to upload. It's not that he didn't love aunt Rahela, or that she didn't love us, but we were so much more a parent to him than she ever was. I still think about him and hope that we did the right thing. I think we did. I think \emph{you} did. diff --git a/mitzvot/content/letters/013.tex b/mitzvot/content/letters/013.tex index d785450..d137c36 100644 --- a/mitzvot/content/letters/013.tex +++ b/mitzvot/content/letters/013.tex @@ -5,10 +5,10 @@ \itshape systime 227 (2351) -Pollux---Lagrange transmission delay:\\ +Pollux—Lagrange transmission delay:\\ 38 days, 3 hours, 2 minutes -Pollux---Castor transmission delay:\\ +Pollux—Castor transmission delay:\\ 76 days, 22 hours, 34 minutes \end{quote} @@ -22,7 +22,7 @@ All the same, it really does feel like we're settling into a new sort of normal, Food has honestly been the biggest adjustment for me. For a while, Dear and I just stopped eating. \Partner\ cooked just about everything, and while each of us know how to make some of our own favorites, even just engaging with food left a sort of longing for how things had been. Wasn't required, was painful, why bother? -It was Serene who knocked us out of that particular slump. Dear was starting to get particularly jittery, lots of restless forking, and I pulled her aside to mention that I thought it might be on the way to overflowing, to which she readily agreed. We wound up heading out for sushi at a place that floats plates of sushi down to you along a little canal that winds its way between the tables — J2? Do they have that on Lagrange? Well, turns out you can special order there, too, and they'll float a whole boat down to your table. It's built like a full three-masted ship,\footnote{A barque, perhaps? Cue a Bălan-style research binge\ldots{}} complete with little cloth sails, and on each of the decks, rolls are piled up or splayed out in neat rows. We ate way, \emph{way} too much sushi, and the two foxes got in a small contest of adding larger and larger amounts of wasabi to their bites until both had tears streaming down their faces. +It was Serene who knocked us out of that particular slump. Dear was starting to get particularly jittery, lots of restless forking, and I pulled her aside to mention that I thought it might be on the way to overflowing, to which she readily agreed. We wound up heading out for sushi at a place that floats plates of sushi down to you along a little canal that winds its way between the tables—J2? Do they have that on Lagrange? Well, turns out you can special order there, too, and they'll float a whole boat down to your table. It's built like a full three-masted ship,\footnote{A barque, perhaps? Cue a Bălan-style research binge\ldots{}} complete with little cloth sails, and on each of the decks, rolls are piled up or splayed out in neat rows. We ate way, \emph{way} too much sushi, and the two foxes got in a small contest of adding larger and larger amounts of wasabi to their bites until both had tears streaming down their faces. Again, I've never claimed to understand them. @@ -34,11 +34,11 @@ Our explorations have largely been to the south and west, where we've been hunti I'm told that we'll soon get inter-System A/V transmissions, though it'll be restricted to still images for bandwidth's sake. I'll make sure you get some pictures of us as well as of the landscape. -There have been a few bumps as we sort things out. Obviously, we still occasionally wind up feeling low from \Partner 's absence. There's been a few days where one or the other of us winds up in a sulk, though we're increasingly getting used to this new life. +There have been a few bumps as we sort things out. Obviously, we still occasionally wind up feeling low from \Partner\'s absence. There's been a few days where one or the other of us winds up in a sulk, though we're increasingly getting used to this new life. Dear and Serene have also wound up in feedback loops a few times. Remember when I wrote ``Two foxes in the same house? Never again''? Well, I still have my occasional moments of regret. One of them will get a little extra sarcastic and the other will try to one-up them. Or, worse, one will get a little snippy, and it'll turn into a quick volley of shitty comments followed by a sulk, then back to as it was before.\footnote{I don't mean ``pretending it didn't happen'', mind. They seem to accept these little spats as part of cohabitation. They take them seriously, address the issue, but then just get on with life. It's taken a bit of getting used to, as it's different from how Dear interacts with me. I haven't figured it out at all, but I guess when you have a fight with yourself, you get over it far quicker.} When this happens, either I'll step out, or I'll kick them both out to deal with it. It's been a quick adjustment, honestly; far easier than when \Partner\ was here. Maybe just because there are fewer different interpersonal dynamics at play? I'm still thinking about it. -I have seen \Partner\ a few times, for what it's worth. It's not like they just up and cut contact. We've gotten coffee a few times, and they stopped by for an incredibly awkward dinner party. While we have largely worked out that things are just kind of over between us and them, that doesn't mean that our feelings have just dissipated — nor, indeed, have theirs: ``It's still a break-up, I'm still hurting over it, even if it's for the best.'' +I have seen \Partner\ a few times, for what it's worth. It's not like they just up and cut contact. We've gotten coffee a few times, and they stopped by for an incredibly awkward dinner party. While we have largely worked out that things are just kind of over between us and them, that doesn't mean that our feelings have just dissipated—nor, indeed, have theirs: ``It's still a break-up, I'm still hurting over it, even if it's for the best.'' And you know, as I take a look back at who we were, at who Codrin\#Castor is and, hell, who you and Aurel are, I see where they're coming from. We can't stay the same forever. Our happinesses change as the world around us changes. We can't possibly remain the same, but neither can we possibly change in exactly the same ways. Something like this was bound to happen eventually, and it has me thinking that there will probably come a day when Dear and I drift apart. I don't know if that'll be any easier for being the second time around, or just differently hard, but I suppose one upside of the whole thing is that it has me focusing on the love I have in front of me. @@ -50,7 +50,7 @@ Speaking of the love in front of us! Aurel and Sasha? What a delight! At first, If I may ask, how has the dynamic worked when you're Aurel, when you're away from May Then My Name but still with Sasha? I can't imagine it's entirely comfortable to spend much time away from her, even if you're still with someone you love. You live in the same building,\footnote{I'm trying to picture this: it goes your and May Then My Name's bedroom, the den/kitchen, then a door to Aurel and Sasha's bedroom, then their own den/kitchen? Like a duplex? Do you use that door often? Do you see each other out on the deck? Eat together? I'm hungry for details.} if I'm understanding this right, but I'm assuming you're hardly seeing your other partner all of the time, right? -I guess I ask because there's at least a small analogy to be made between our two situations, in that I'm no longer with \Partner\ but still with Dear. I know — or at least suspect — that it's not exactly the same, as Aurel's still a fork, however long-lived, and thus not \emph{not} in a relationship with May Then My Name, just that that's on pause. +I guess I ask because there's at least a small analogy to be made between our two situations, in that I'm no longer with \Partner\ but still with Dear. I know—or at least suspect—that it's not exactly the same, as Aurel's still a fork, however long-lived, and thus not \emph{not} in a relationship with May Then My Name, just that that's on pause. If I'm to keep seeing \Partner\ on occasion, then I'm going to have to figure out how to interact in a way that isn't strictly in a relationship, yet also isn't as fragile as I feel. diff --git a/mitzvot/content/letters/014.tex b/mitzvot/content/letters/014.tex index 084ce51..5da9f6b 100644 --- a/mitzvot/content/letters/014.tex +++ b/mitzvot/content/letters/014.tex @@ -5,7 +5,7 @@ \itshape systime 227 (2351) -Castor---Lagrange transmission delay:\\ +Castor—Lagrange transmission delay:\\ 38 days, 15 hours, 1 minute \end{quote} @@ -13,7 +13,7 @@ Ioan, Taking your advice along with that of True Name, of all people,\footnote{A part of me wonders if it's in response to the role you played between her and May Then My Name on Lagrange, offering a little bit of mediation to keep that gap bridged. I'm too shy to ask, I think.} I finally wrote to Sorina in a very open and, I hope, welcoming way. I want to find out where we stand, of course, but I also don't want to push \emph{that} much of a discussion on her. Just\ldots say hi and ensure that the line of communication remains open. I've attached what I wrote just so you're up to date as well. -I ran the letter by Dear, \Partner , Sarah, and True Name, and all of them kept telling me it was far too wordy. They're probably right, too,\footnote{True Name in particular suggested that this is still probably too long, but I sent it anyway, as I want to at least add a positive note about life on Castor.} as frustrating as it was to pare it down. I know we're a wordy bunch, but it was edging up past 2000 words, when all it needed to was act as an invitation to open discussions. +I ran the letter by Dear, \Partner, Sarah, and True Name, and all of them kept telling me it was far too wordy. They're probably right, too,\footnote{True Name in particular suggested that this is still probably too long, but I sent it anyway, as I want to at least add a positive note about life on Castor.} as frustrating as it was to pare it down. I know we're a wordy bunch, but it was edging up past 2000 words, when all it needed to was act as an invitation to open discussions. All my best, diff --git a/mitzvot/content/letters/015.tex b/mitzvot/content/letters/015.tex index cbe5725..145e858 100644 --- a/mitzvot/content/letters/015.tex +++ b/mitzvot/content/letters/015.tex @@ -5,10 +5,10 @@ \itshape systime 227 (2351) -Artemis---Castor transmission delay:\\ +Artemis—Castor transmission delay:\\ 1 day, 2 hours, 52 minutes -Artemis---Lagrange transmission delay:\\ +Artemis—Lagrange transmission delay:\\ 39 days, 1 hour, 12 minutes \end{quote} diff --git a/mitzvot/content/letters/016.tex b/mitzvot/content/letters/016.tex index 9a21bd2..9d6b89a 100644 --- a/mitzvot/content/letters/016.tex +++ b/mitzvot/content/letters/016.tex @@ -5,7 +5,7 @@ \itshape systime 228 (2352) -Pollux---Lagrange transmission delay:\\ +Pollux—Lagrange transmission delay:\\ 39 days, 17 hours, 41 minutes \end{quote} @@ -15,7 +15,7 @@ I had the chance to sit down with \Partner\ for a pretty long chat over dinner y We took our food out into the front, which had been set up like a restaurant. They explained that for some reason they couldn't figure out, they'd never thought of actually opening up their own restaurant, but were planning on doing so soon. They said that it felt related to their relationship to Dear, something about it keeping them pinned into a certain lifestyle. They were quick to explain that this wasn't a bad thing, wasn't unpleasant, just that they never got around to it with the life that they'd built up together even before I wound up joining the triad. -We ate mostly in silence. It was a little tense at first, but then it just turned into us simply enjoying the food without letting words pass between us. It's been a long time since I've enjoyed a comfortable silence like that. They crop up occasionally with Dear and Serene, but far less so than they ever did between me and \Partner . +We ate mostly in silence. It was a little tense at first, but then it just turned into us simply enjoying the food without letting words pass between us. It's been a long time since I've enjoyed a comfortable silence like that. They crop up occasionally with Dear and Serene, but far less so than they ever did between me and \Partner. They bade me stay in my seat while they waved away the plates and ducked back to the kitchen to pick up two plates of tiramisu and two demitasses of espresso. @@ -23,7 +23,7 @@ Delicious as ever. Finally, they asked how we were doing. I had to force myself to think for a moment before just blurting out a response. I decided to just explain our day-to-day experiences much as I did in the last letter. I talked about how we'd started exploring the sim more. We laughed about us having to learn how to cook something other than college student food. They commiserated with me over just how intense two Odist foxes in the same house without any other moderating force must be. -They talked about their own process of setting up a new life, about procuring a bunch of stuff off the exchange with only the vaguest of ideas of setting up a restaurant, then slowly tweaking and tweaking and tweaking until they got closer to what they thought of as ideal. ``I'm still figuring out how I'm going to decorate this place. I thought about putting up my own paintings, but how tacky is that? Might as well just name it ``\Partner 's Wish Fulfillment Bistro'' at that point, right?'' +They talked about their own process of setting up a new life, about procuring a bunch of stuff off the exchange with only the vaguest of ideas of setting up a restaurant, then slowly tweaking and tweaking and tweaking until they got closer to what they thought of as ideal. ``I'm still figuring out how I'm going to decorate this place. I thought about putting up my own paintings, but how tacky is that? Might as well just name it ``\Partner's Wish Fulfillment Bistro'' at that point, right?'' I assured them that their paintings were plenty good enough, as was the food. @@ -35,7 +35,7 @@ They readily agreed, saying that, while they loved Dear and Serene on their own, What a strange thing to hear! I'll admit that I had to curb my frustration at that. Isn't self-actualization something we should all aim for? And when I'd talked about it initially, they were incredibly supportive of the decision. -Having thought on it, though, I think I can see where they're coming from. It wasn't that me being passive itself was good and me being more active with my life was bad, so much as there was a set of habits that we'd all built up around me following while they led, and to have those shaken up was a prime example of those new happinesses at work. I love what I do at the library. I love the feeling of taking charge of research — I always have — and to do so in a setting that requires active participation and, often, leadership had shifted the way that I acted at home. +Having thought on it, though, I think I can see where they're coming from. It wasn't that me being passive itself was good and me being more active with my life was bad, so much as there was a set of habits that we'd all built up around me following while they led, and to have those shaken up was a prime example of those new happinesses at work. I love what I do at the library. I love the feeling of taking charge of research—I always have—and to do so in a setting that requires active participation and, often, leadership had shifted the way that I acted at home. I wasn't able to put this in words at the moment, but was thankfully able to keep that frustration at bay and just tell them I'd think about it. I sent them a note earlier today with many of these thoughts to follow up on that. @@ -57,6 +57,6 @@ On that note, do you have any thoughts in general on relationships and change? F Ah well. This has me feeling stuck up in my head as usual, trying to think everything into place. All the same, I appreciate the chance to be able to talk about it, even at a distance. -Wishing you all the best, and the three of us send our love, as does \Partner . +Wishing you all the best, and the three of us send our love, as does \Partner. Codrin diff --git a/mitzvot/content/letters/017.tex b/mitzvot/content/letters/017.tex index dbbadee..53b81df 100644 --- a/mitzvot/content/letters/017.tex +++ b/mitzvot/content/letters/017.tex @@ -5,13 +5,13 @@ \itshape systime 228 (2352) -Castor---Artemis transmission delay:\\ +Castor—Artemis transmission delay:\\ 1 day, 3 hours, 10 minutes -Castor---Lagrange transmission delay:\\ +Castor—Lagrange transmission delay:\\ 40 days, 5 hours, 11 minutes -Castor---Pollux transmission delay:\\ +Castor—Pollux transmission delay:\\ 79 days, 23 hours, 40 minutes \end{quote} @@ -19,7 +19,7 @@ Sorina, Thank you so much for your letter. I was delighted to wake up to it this morning, though I have to admit that I needed quite a bit of coffee before I could actually manage to read it. I sometimes get the feeling that there's just too much coffee in our lives, but hey, it's good. -Convergence has pretty well settled down over here. The border with Castor has been firmly limited — instances are allowed transit only once per week, so if you head out to Castor, you have to spend at least a week out there — but there are plans to open it back up. It sounds like they've come up with a better solution to the reputation market. I don't know the details, but I've been promised it's rather like having multiple currencies back phys-side, with an exchange and trade and such. Smarter people than I are working on it. +Convergence has pretty well settled down over here. The border with Castor has been firmly limited—instances are allowed transit only once per week, so if you head out to Castor, you have to spend at least a week out there—but there are plans to open it back up. It sounds like they've come up with a better solution to the reputation market. I don't know the details, but I've been promised it's rather like having multiple currencies back phys-side, with an exchange and trade and such. Smarter people than I are working on it. The Artemisians here are settling in to greater or lesser extent. A handful have quit since they've arrived. We've required no explanation for why, so we're left with only what they or their friends have said about their decision. Most seem to have just missed time skew too much. While I don't want to discuss them much otherwise, I will note that there was one instance of a similar reaction to our System that the Odists had to Artemis: one of the fourthracers who, I'm told, was one of those affected most by their version of the lost virus. diff --git a/mitzvot/content/letters/018.tex b/mitzvot/content/letters/018.tex index a25f440..743e374 100644 --- a/mitzvot/content/letters/018.tex +++ b/mitzvot/content/letters/018.tex @@ -5,13 +5,13 @@ \itshape systime 229 (2353) -Lagrange---Pollux transmission delay:\\ +Lagrange—Pollux transmission delay:\\ 41 days, 3 hours, 1 minute -Lagrange---Castor transmission delay:\\ +Lagrange—Castor transmission delay:\\ 42 days, 2 hours, 31 minutes -Lagrange---Artemis transmission delay:\\ +Lagrange—Artemis transmission delay:\\ 43 days, 6 hours, 55 minutes \end{quote} @@ -48,7 +48,7 @@ It is a fool's errand and we are dumber than a bag of rocks for doing that, and And yet, as the Ode goes on to say, ``To forge is to end, and to own beginnings. To hone is to trade ends for perpetual perfection.'' That perfection, it says, is ``Perfecting singular arts to a cruel point.'' -The Ode is just a poem, it is no holy text — what was it Emerson said? The poet nails a symbol to a sense that was true for a moment but soon becomes false, while the mystic mistakes the singular for the universal?\footnote{This one took some digging. It's from his essay ``The Poet'': ``Here is the difference betwixt the poet and the mystic, that the last nails a symbol to one sense, which was a true sense for a moment, but soon becomes old and false. For all symbols are fluxional {[}\ldots{]} Mysticism consists in the mistake of an accidental and individual symbol for a universal one.'' Where do they even find this stuff?} — but every poem is open to interpretation and analysis. The author of the Ode was not wrong. We shy away from those ends that hurt and any beginnings that might follow in favor of our dreams of perpetual perfection. +The Ode is just a poem, it is no holy text—what was it Emerson said? The poet nails a symbol to a sense that was true for a moment but soon becomes false, while the mystic mistakes the singular for the universal?\footnote{This one took some digging. It's from his essay ``The Poet'': ``Here is the difference betwixt the poet and the mystic, that the last nails a symbol to one sense, which was a true sense for a moment, but soon becomes old and false. For all symbols are fluxional {[}\ldots{]} Mysticism consists in the mistake of an accidental and individual symbol for a universal one.'' Where do they even find this stuff?}—but every poem is open to interpretation and analysis. The author of the Ode was not wrong. We shy away from those ends that hurt and any beginnings that might follow in favor of our dreams of perpetual perfection. This applies just as readily to familial relationships as it does to romantic ones. Ioan and I do this in our relationship just as much as ey does this when ey remembers Rareș and every single Odist does when thinking about the poet. Our immortality gifts us the ability to do this to an uncomfortably endless degree. diff --git a/mitzvot/content/letters/019.tex b/mitzvot/content/letters/019.tex index 32fe992..4c5456d 100644 --- a/mitzvot/content/letters/019.tex +++ b/mitzvot/content/letters/019.tex @@ -5,13 +5,13 @@ \itshape systime 230 (2354) -Artemis---Castor transmission delay:\\ +Artemis—Castor transmission delay:\\ 2 days, 2 hours, 14 minutes -Artemis---Lagrange transmission delay:\\ +Artemis—Lagrange transmission delay:\\ 43 days, 6 hours, 41 minutes -Artemis---Pollux transmission delay:\\ +Artemis—Pollux transmission delay:\\ 85 days, 9 hours, 11 minutes \end{quote} @@ -25,11 +25,11 @@ It's fascinating seeing the ways in which you've all changed, and how that diffe And all of your partners! Goodness! May Then My Name looks as adorable as ever, and I was pleased to see both instances of Dear looking appropriately smug, though even it has diverged, both from my memories of it and the two instances from each other. I remember it being a slight critter, and Dear\#Castor is still quite slender, though not nearly so waifish as in my memories, but Dear\#Pollux has filled out a bit. It looks good! -I'm not really sure what I was expecting about Sasha. All I'd really pictured was someone looking essentially like May Then My Name but spotted. I guess I was picturing spots like one might see on a leopard, though of course that wouldn't make sense with such long fur. She looks very pretty, though, and certainly very content with Aurel! The Odists all seem to wear their emotions on their sleeves, don't they? I'll admit that seeing May Then My Name looking so happy with someone with so much of True Name in her life — holding paws, no less! — is still a little surprising, but I'm pleased all the same. +I'm not really sure what I was expecting about Sasha. All I'd really pictured was someone looking essentially like May Then My Name but spotted. I guess I was picturing spots like one might see on a leopard, though of course that wouldn't make sense with such long fur. She looks very pretty, though, and certainly very content with Aurel! The Odists all seem to wear their emotions on their sleeves, don't they? I'll admit that seeing May Then My Name looking so happy with someone with so much of True Name in her life—holding paws, no less!—is still a little surprising, but I'm pleased all the same. Life here continues much as it has. I've fallen into a steady routine that doesn't feel all that different from the one I had before Dear's introduction\ldots God, was it really almost fifty years ago? I've built myself a sim that's sort of like a comfortable mix between Serene's prairie and Ioan's house. The house itself is comfortable and familiar, and the prairie gives me room to walk and just enjoy the wide open spaces that I remember. -The days are much the same, too. I spend my time writing and working on this or that — though rather than research projects, I'm working with individuals. I drink more coffee than I ought, eat simply, sleep in silence. Once I found the rhythm again, it was easy to slip back into that life, and for that, it's all the more comfortable, especially in what might otherwise be an overwhelmingly strange place. +The days are much the same, too. I spend my time writing and working on this or that—though rather than research projects, I'm working with individuals. I drink more coffee than I ought, eat simply, sleep in silence. Once I found the rhythm again, it was easy to slip back into that life, and for that, it's all the more comfortable, especially in what might otherwise be an overwhelmingly strange place. I've attached a picture from a recent get-together of the emissaries. We all get dinner\footnote{Well, all but the firstracers, of course.} on the anniversary of the convergence, and since the tech is all there now, we figured we'd get a picture to send back for everyone's enjoyment and also any additions to the \emph{History} that might be forthcoming, whether by the Bălans or someone else. We all raised a toast to True Name and Answers Will Not Help. Perhaps those on Castor will be able to get a similar picture with them included, even if Iska won't be present. diff --git a/mitzvot/content/letters/020.tex b/mitzvot/content/letters/020.tex index 8a53ebb..e079ac7 100644 --- a/mitzvot/content/letters/020.tex +++ b/mitzvot/content/letters/020.tex @@ -1,6 +1,128 @@ -\hypertarget{codrin-bux103lanpollux-the-bux103lan-clade}{% -\subsection{Codrin Bălan\#Pollux — The Bălan clade}\label{codrin-bux103lanpollux-the-bux103lan-clade}} +\hypertarget{aurel-bux103lan-the-bux103lan-clade}{% +\subsection{Aurel Bălan — The Bălan clade}\label{aurel-bux103lan-the-bux103lan-clade}} \begin{quote} -systime 231 (2354) (transmission delays) +\itshape +systime 232 (2356) + +Lagrange—Pollux transmission delay:\\ +45 days, 10 hours, 7 minutes + +Lagrange—Castor transmission delay:\\ +48 days, 3 hours, 52 minutes + +Lagrange—Artemis transmission delay:\\ +50 days, 5 hours, 40 minutes \end{quote} + +All, + +You'll have to forgive a rather rambly sort of letter, as it's currently being co-written by two Bălans and two skunks. Aurel was just forked,\footnote{Five minutes ago. \emph{Just} forked.} and the four of us are sitting out in Douglas's field along with him, E.W., Debarre, and a few other friends after having a small potluck of sorts. There wasn't any real reason for the get-together other than it's snowy at our sim, the skunks were whining, and it's always nice here. What started as a plan for Ioan, May, Sasha, and Douglas to have a picnic blossomed on a whim to something of a party. + +As parties go, it's been a very laid back one. We all brought some food along with us—the Bălans brought \emph{musaca}, May Then My Name made a cake, Sasha brought a few roast hares, and so on—and set up some tables out back of Douglas's house to eat. + +Not to be outdone, A Finger Pointing and Vos, one of the other techs from the theatre, set up a small bar where they started making outlandish cocktails based on what they thought each of us wanted, rather than anything we asked for. They've had about 70\% hits, 30\% misses, so far, which is pretty good, all told.\footnote{Another reason for the rambly, overly-sentimental letter: none of us are exactly sober.} May currently has a drink that seems to be something between melted chocolate ice cream and brandy. It's quite good, but so rich that we can all only handle small sips of it at a time. Ioan got stuck with vodka and soda water. One of those ``why bother?'' drinks. Are the Bălans really so boring as to suggest vodka sodas? + +A Finger Pointing's up-tree instance, Where It Watches The Slow Hours Progress, played a baffling\ldots I guess party trick on us earlier that I think some are still recovering from. She suggested we play ``two truths and a lie with a twist'' and, after May explained what ``two truths and a lie'' was, we all agreed. + +Unfortunately, the twist was that she went around and, for each of us, told us two things that will probably happen to us in the near future and one thing that definitely wouldn't, then set us to discussing which of ours we thought was the lie. None of the things she said were all that big or consequential, and certainly none were cruel or sad, but while the conversation that ensued was quite lively, it wasn't exactly fun, either. + +She looked quite proud of herself for that. It was all very Odist. + +Marsh, Vos's partner, broke the tension by singing a song while Douglas played along on flute. It was achingly beautiful and I think all of us have made a point to hunt them down for more music in the future. They also embody a lot of vague gender thoughts that Ioan and Aurel have been talking about of late, so they'll have some thinking to do. + +Debarre has promised us firework. He only really needs one to impress, so we're all looking forward to it. + +Mostly, though, we've just been doing that sort of talking about the past where one of us will name the subject of a memory as though reading off the label on a file folder, and we will all smile and sigh, or groan and laugh, or roll our eyes. It was one of those discussions that didn't need a whole lot of words, since it was all just a flow of shared memories passing back and forth among the lot of us. + +Partway through, Ioan suggested that we share these with the clade, which then turned into sharing just the little things, too, not just relying on grand events to spur a letter. More stuff like this, really. It's a good day, today! Not special, just good. We should be able to share our everyday weal as well as our occasional woe. + +And, after all that the last decade has held for us, we really have wound up in a comfortable sort of happiness. It's not perfect. We still run into crossed boundaries and areas of friction, we have our bad days and misunderstandings. There aren't any aliens, though, and no one's life is at risk if they enter a public sim—not for the time being, at least. It's nice to collect these quotidian happinesses, too, to enjoy them while they last. + +It's getting dark now, and the singular firework is coming, so we should probably set this self-indulgent exercise aside for the time being. We're going to write our own segments when we get home to attach to the end of this letter, but for now, we're going to get another drink—this time of our choosing—and enjoy the rest of the night with friends. + +We hope that you all also have the chance to enjoy your everyday happinesses, that you can have picnics that get out of hand, and that you can surround yourself with some really, truly strange friends. + +With all the love in the world, + +Ioan, Aurel, May, and Sasha + +\hypertarget{mays-addendum}{% +\subsubsection{May's addendum:}\label{mays-addendum}} + +I do not know if it is strange of me to say ``I am happy that we are fading into obscurity'' or not. + +A part of me hopes that it \emph{is} strange. That part hopes that we always find some small amount of wonder at the things that we did in this world, and that we were still somehow able to return to comfortable unimportance. It has been centuries since we were nobody. + +Us being what we are, this move towards irrelevance is an intentional one. It is not simply that we are done with our tasks, nor that we are no longer able to keep up with the world around us, though there is some truth to both of those. We are pushing ourselves back towards this nobodyness as both a way to finally take full and complete ownership of our lives and to relinquish the death-grip that we held on the past. + +Such grand statements! We will remain ourselves even into obscurity, I suppose. + +Imagine, though, the freedom that comes with being a nobody! What wonders boredom holds! If Ioan and I have a particularly good dessert, that is something that we can think about for \emph{weeks.} It will be the biggest thing to happen to us in a month. We can talk about that cheesecake that we had years later, remembering just how perfect it was, how it was not simply cheesecake, but \textbf{cheesecake}. We can think back on that, sigh, and then, as we did tonight, simply label that memory aloud and share a moment of happiness. + +The large becomes incomprehensible in such a life, and the small becomes important. Given that there is no shortage of small events worth remembering, well\ldots a boring life is no bad thing. + +May your lives be occasionally boring in the best possible way. I love you all. + +\hypertarget{aurels-addendum}{% +\subsubsection{Aurel's addendum:}\label{aurels-addendum}} + +I've just said goodnight to Ioan and May and closed the door between our places. Every time I rejoin Sasha, we take a week to ourselves. Just us. No shared dinners or going out together. It gives me a way to switch contexts from what I remember as Ioan into how I know to act around Sasha, and it gives her a week of slow reentry after however long alone (this last spell was about six months, which is on the long side for her, but you'll see why in her message). + +We wrote about the very everydayness that we were finding enjoyable, such as the ability to just decide on a picnic on a whim and have it turn into a party. Well, one of the things that I enjoy about this time most of all is that Sasha and I spend this first week just focusing on domesticity. We cook every meal. We clean by hand. We go to bed at the same time, wake up at the same time, go for a walk at the same time every day. Settling into a routine with her feels like a clutch engaging, a mechanical clicking-into-place of realities in some precise mechanism such that, by the end of the week, I find myself sitting back and marveling that it could ever have been any different. + +It's still so interesting to me to see the ways in which this sort of happiness differs from the happiness that I have with May as Ioan. Ioan and May move in a comfortable, complementary almost-lockstep. Their life is a dance. It has its rhythm and its steps, and yet it still has the creativity of the music of their temperaments lying beneath. + +Sasha and I have a life that is that mechanism with the clutch. It isn't an impersonal machine; more like a pipe organ, perhaps, or a loom than an engine. It's a framework for beauty. We move together in the ways that we must and with a sense of purpose that adds to our lives. On her end, I imagine that it comes from the memories from her life as True Name, but on my end, I think it comes from the fact that, knowing we'll part again after however many months, my purpose \emph{is} our time together. There's no point in staving off the day when I wake up alone; it will come when it comes. The purpose is to be present. + +You'll have to forgive me for being a bit mawkish. I always get like this when our relationship starts back up again. Add on the lingering alcohol, and, well, I'm not \emph{not} crying. + +There is little else to add other than she finally talked her way into going back to striped skunk again. I think even Jonas and the rest of the eighth stanza was tired of her whining about her species. She still has a few limitations on how she should look, but I don't think she wants to look like True Name anymore, anyway. + +I'm going to do as I promised and make hot cocoa while she finishes up her note. I miss you all dearly. Write soon. + +\hypertarget{sashas-addendum}{% +\subsubsection{Sasha's addendum:}\label{sashas-addendum}} + +I am going to lead with business. + +I have attached two versions of the manuscript for \emph{Ode}. One of these is for you all except for Dear, and one is for Dear alone. I have set visibility exceptions accordingly. + +\emph{Ode} is my attempt at telling the story of the Ode clade parallel to the Bălans' \emph{History}. I could not tell that story without telling the beginning, however, and telling the beginning of that story means naming someone who hasn't been publicly named in almost two and a half centuries. + +The two manuscripts are identical except that the version for Dear has all instances of the poet's name replaced with `the poet'. I do not know what re-learning the Name would do to it, if it would do anything, but I would rather that be its choice that it can approach intentionally instead of having it forced upon it by my inattentiveness. + +This project will not be released until systime 242—is it odd that my first project is something that I will not publish for years? Perhaps—in order to provide the Ode clade sufficient time to prepare for the publication of the Name, as well as to give Jonas any time he needs to prepare for any political consequences. I have done my best to tell the story straight and have held back things that I know he would object to seeing in print. I do not want any more assassins after me. + +I am not worried, though. True Name\#Castor is firmly on my side and is slowly convincing True Name\#Pollux and the rest of the eighth stanza here. They are working on a solution to getting this into both In Dreams and Hammered Silver's hands; I will not be the one to cross that particular boundary. + +Business: done. + +Every time I return, I feel like I have to do so deliberately, as though slowly releasing the tension on an elastic band lest it snap toward one's face. I do not know what me snapping would look like—nothing violent, I am sure, though I do not pretend to be incapable of hurting others emotionally. + +Aurel handles this beautifully. Ey is kind and patient, and we spend these first few days focusing on routine as the wild leaves my blood and I can settle back down into the type of person who can live with another, love another, and not feel hemmed in. May is lucky to have Ioan and Dear to have Codrin, but I am thrice-blessed to have Aurel. + +I have gone and made myself cry. Ah well. I am not sorry. Aurel has made hot cocoa and there is a quilt on the beanbag and I am home. + +Goodnight. I love you all. + +\hypertarget{ioans-addendum}{% +\subsubsection{Ioan's addendum:}\label{ioans-addendum}} + +From the author biography for the third edition of \emph{Seven Hearts Turned}: + +\begin{quote} +Rareș Bălan was born in 2215 in a small village in Cristești, Botoșani County, Western Moldavia, and often said that his own heart never left the village. His writing has been praised for its clear-eyed treatment of Eastern European lower-class life, and has garnered accolades from literary journals around the world, including \emph{The Baltic}, \emph{The Steel Nib Review}, and \emph{Craft}. He died in 2268 and is buried in Cristești so that, true to his words, his heart will remain there. +\end{quote} + +I found this on a library trawl not too long ago. I don't know why I never thought to simply look him up by his name as an author. I guess I always thought that was my thing, and that maybe he wouldn't be interested. I'm kicking myself for such an assumption, now. Of course he can like writing. We were so alike, weren't we? I feel ashamed for believing otherwise. Perhaps I was just worried that I'd find him there, just as I have. + +I was such a mess when I found it. I had to step home and just spend some time letting out a whole lot of overwhelming emotions all at once. It scared the shit out of May, but once she saw the book I'd dropped on the table, she understood and spent the rest of the day letting talk when I was able and cry when I wasn't. + +I didn't even open the book—I just read that right off the back cover and fell apart—so you can imagine just how much of a mess I was when I finally managed to open it a few days later and came across the dedication \emph{``For Ioan''} in the beginning. + +Reading it has been slow-going for obvious reasons. + +All of that talk about everyday happiness earlier, and all those words May wrote about living a boring life, and there's little I can add other than, yes, life does as it will, and a boring life is no bad thing. People are born and then, 53 years later, they die and are buried near where they grew up. Older brothers upload and the money that brings sends younger brothers to school, just as it was meant to. People see themselves in the pages of a book decades or centuries later and stop having so many unsettling dreams about those they left behind. + +There's little that I can add here, knowing what May wrote, what Aurel will likely write, and what Sasha's sending along, so I guess all I can do is say, as always, all my love to you and yours. Be well. diff --git a/mitzvot/content/letters/old/000.tex b/mitzvot/content/letters/old/000.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..9b2af45 --- /dev/null +++ b/mitzvot/content/letters/old/000.tex @@ -0,0 +1,6 @@ +Ioan Bălan\\ +Exocortex\#99732a6\\ +Selected correspondences of the Bălan clade\\ +systime 222-232 + +\emph{Note:} With the events of the last ten years, there's been a lot of changes shaking out in the clade when it comes to relationships. Collecting all of these here so that I can keep them handy for when things doubtless need further shaking out in the future. For the sake of comfortable through-reading, all eyes-only metadata has been stripped, but trust that everything was eyes-only to the named recipients. I've kept the timestamps as the message-sent time in the metadata. It's been thirty years and I'm still struggling with transmission delays. diff --git a/mitzvot/content/letters/old/001.tex b/mitzvot/content/letters/old/001.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..4a67f37 --- /dev/null +++ b/mitzvot/content/letters/old/001.tex @@ -0,0 +1,44 @@ +\hypertarget{codrin-bux103lancastor-ioan-bux103lan}{% +\subsection{Codrin Bălan\#Castor — Ioan Bălan}\label{codrin-bux103lancastor-ioan-bux103lan}} + +\begin{quote} +\itshape +systime 222 (2346) + +Castor---Lagrange transmission delay:\\ +30 days, 14 hours, 37 minutes +\end{quote} + +Ioan, + +A part of me has died. I do not know what to say. + +When one forks, one's down-tree instance should not change, right? They should just be the same, yes? They continue on as they were, and the only mark left by forking is the memory of having done so. I \emph{know} this. Dear has assured me of this. It's how the System works, how it must work. + +But for some reason, that isn't what happened. + +Let me start over. + +After all that happened, after all the decisions that had already been made, it felt like there was one more that needed to happen. I needed to figure out what I was going to do about myself with regards to Artemis. I asked surprisingly few people for advice on this. I mentioned it briefly to my partners, and Dear thought it was an okay idea, though I could tell that neither of them were totally sold on the idea. + +On looking back, it's weird how little agency we attribute to our forks at first. The biggest complaint against the idea that they had was that they didn't want to see how much the fork I sent would miss me. \Partner\ was the one who wound up selling Dear on the idea, oddly enough, by reminding it just how much individuation can happen. It's been stuck in instance artistry too long, not letting itself deviate because its instances simply don't last long enough. + +That was the origin of Sorina. Sorina Bălan, third of our clade, born at sunrise. I took that idea to heart and, when I decided to fork last week, I pushed individuation as hard and as fast as I could. I had a hundred paces to do so, a hundred steps between cairns to make sure that she was herself and that I remained myself. + +And yet I'm not sure I \emph{did} remain myself. A part of me died, and I do not know what to say about that. I pushed individuation on her — and see, here I go, taking her agency from her! — while I did my best to stay the same, to simply walk the prairie and think only of home and of Dear and of \Partner\ and not of Artemis and a life without them. I didn't think of names. I didn't think of time skew or forking. I didn't think of anything but the pending sunrise. + +I also didn't think of forgetting, and that's what got me over the weekend. Sorina and I seem to have been of one mind that we'd give it a bit of time before getting in touch with each other, but she hasn't left my thoughts since we forked. She \emph{can't} leave my thoughts. I \emph{can't} forget her. + +But I realized she can forget me. She can forget us. + +There may come a day — and I pray that that `may' is accurate, for my sake if nothing else — when she cannot remember me, cannot remember any of us, cannot remember why we love the ones we do. For all of the complaints about our impeccable memories, this is one instance that I struggle to see myself living without. + +What do I do? How do I live with the life I've created for myself? How do I internalize that a part of me has died? + +I'm sorry, Ioan. There's nothing I can do about any of this, and certainly nothing you can do, however many hundreds of billions of kilometers away. I write because there is a sort of stability in you that has rusted in me. It has frozen all of my joints and so I risk cracking while you remain firmly rooted and flexible. + +I'm sorry, Ioan. + +Pass on my love. + +- C diff --git a/mitzvot/content/letters/old/002.tex b/mitzvot/content/letters/old/002.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..195df3c --- /dev/null +++ b/mitzvot/content/letters/old/002.tex @@ -0,0 +1,83 @@ +\hypertarget{ioan-bux103lan-the-bux103lan-clade}{% +\subsection{Ioan Bălan — The Bălan clade}\label{ioan-bux103lan-the-bux103lan-clade}} + +\begin{quote} +\itshape +systime 222 (2346) + +Lagrange---Castor transmission delay:\\ +30 days, 14 hours, 37 minutes + +Lagrange---Pollux transmission delay:\\ +30 days, 14 hours, 41 minutes +\end{quote} + +Codrin and Codrin, + +I hope that you and yours are well. All of this news from Castor quickly got overwhelming and I know I've not been as good as I would like at keeping up with things that are not just ``holy shit, aliens''. I have a few updates. + +The first is that, surprising no one, I've been contracted by A Finger Pointing to write a play about our visitors. I've been reading all of your updates, \#Castor, and certainly the knowledge is worth quite a bit on its own, but can I ask for some information about the moods throughout? If I'm to pull together a story out of this, that will be more useful in the context of a play than the facts. Besides, it's not like we can do much in the way of fact checking from where we are. I have plenty of flexibility there. I've attached what I have, though obviously it'll be a month out of date by the time you get it (and two months by the time you answer). + +Second, I'm sorry to say that End Waking has requested that Debarre give him some space for a bit again. I know that you two never got the chance to meet him and that I gush about him every time he comes up, but he really is delightful, and I wish him the best in his solitude, however long it might last. + +May and I visited Debarre for dinner after we got the news and spent a bit of time talking about it. I was pleased to learn that these separations don't come with any ire, just a simple request and understanding. He seemed really calm, even a bit relieved about it. Apparently the weeks leading up to being asked to leave are a little awkward. + +I think part of why this came when it did is due to the convergence. I know that Debarre is still far more plugged into the news of the System than I, and given that End Waking has essentially opted out, I can see that being an uncomfortable divide. + +Finally and perhaps most impactful for me, I had the chance to meet one-on-one with True Name during convergence. Even after a month of thinking about the meeting, I'm still unsure what to make of it. + +I, like you two, had the chance to interview her a few times during the process of pulling together the \emph{History}, so I had been expecting the same frightful competence that I saw twenty-odd years ago. + +I did not. + +It's difficult for me to describe the ways in which she's changed. She's\ldots overworked, perhaps? She looks like she's stretched herself too thin to keep up as well as she used to. I know that she mentioned that the tone of our interviews was carefully constructed in order to shape the narrative, and that the emotions she put on display were deliberately chosen for the role she was playing, but\ldots well, I wasn't expecting to make her cry. + +And yet from what you two have said, other than her experience on Artemis, she's still going strong on both the LVs. + +I don't really know what to do with this information, honestly. I keep thinking about things I could have said or questions I could have asked, but it always gets muddled up in my head given her similarities to May. I've spent so long with May that seeing someone as similar to her as True Name in distress yet be unable to comfort in the same ways I might has me rudderless. + +Either way, I've set up another meeting with her now that convergence news has settled into a more steady stream, so I guess we'll see where that leads. + +May has taken these two meetings surprisingly well, I'll note. She mentioned that, given our position, that leaves us liable to come into contact with her again in the future, so we might as well ensure that it's not so jarring as it was that first night we found out about Artemis. + +I know she's been working on her feelings about this with Sarah, so I'm happy to see a little less fury in her than I used to. She got really quiet during that conversation before admitting that the reason she wound up feeling as she did about True Name was due to the \emph{History} itself. She hadn't known about True Name's subtle nudging of Michelle/Sasha with regards to both Launch and her death until we put it to paper. We both agree that that's helped her calm down the most: just being able to name the source. + +Still, it's a lot. We seem to be inextricably entangled with the Ode clade, and while I love May dearly and I know that you two love Dear, it sometimes feels a little like being trapped. + +Anyway, all that to say that True Name's having a rough time here, and I'm hoping that she's able to get set up with Sarah. Never thought I'd say such, but I'm worried about her. + +\begin{center} +\textbf{CODRIN BĂLAN\#CASTOR INDIVIDUAL-EYES-ONLY MATERIAL} +\end{center} + +I'm also worried about you. Your last letter led to a few conversations between May and I about you and Sorina, but also about the topic of individuation in more general terms. I understand that you two did your best to diverge as quickly as possible, and I can't even imagine that. + +I know that when you became Codrin, that was not something that I'd foreseen, and despite the surface similarities, this feels fundamentally different. It's a new thing for us, I think. You two were borne out of the changes that the Odists wrought on us, but Sorina was borne out of changes coming from within. + +I know that I risk our messages passing each other through the great big nothing between us, so perhaps there's more already on the way, but perhaps you can tell me more about her, or about the both of you? + +To be clear, none of this is for the play. I spent some time talking with Sarah about it and she had some suggestions for what my role in this matter is. Doubtless you've been speaking with her about your role, and perhaps you and Sorina are still talking things through, but maybe Sarah has some suggestions? Maybe you can tell me more about her, too — the good things you remember, in particular. What do you like best about her? What are your hopes for her? What wishes do you have? + +Lean on those around you to whatever level you're comfortable with, and know that I'm here, firmly rooted as you say. I'll offer all that I can. + +Be safe above all. + +The next section is just to inform \#Pollux that you sent a fork to Artemis without details. + +\begin{center} +\textbf{END CODRIN BĂLAN\#CASTOR INDIVIDUAL-EYES-ONLY MATERIAL} +\end{center} + +\begin{center} +\textbf{CODRIN BĂLAN\#POLLUX INDIVIDUAL-EYES-ONLY MATERIAL} +\end{center} + +The previous section for \#Castor surrounds eir decision to send a fork to Artemis. Without sharing too much, it's led to a lot of inner strife for em. I'm worried, but that's nothing new. Either way, just wanted to provide some context. I'll leave any further information up to em to pass on. + +\begin{center} +\textbf{END CODRIN BĂLAN\#POLLUX INDIVIDUAL-EYES-ONLY MATERIAL} +\end{center} + +I hope things are going well despite all these dramatic goings on. May and I send our love to you and yours. + +Ioan Bălan diff --git a/mitzvot/content/letters/old/003.tex b/mitzvot/content/letters/old/003.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..f54cb0c --- /dev/null +++ b/mitzvot/content/letters/old/003.tex @@ -0,0 +1,54 @@ +\hypertarget{codrin-bux103lancastor-the-bux103lan-clade}{% +\subsection{Codrin Bălan\#Castor — The Bălan clade}\label{codrin-bux103lancastor-the-bux103lan-clade}} + +\begin{quote} +\itshape +systime 222 (2346) + +Castor---Lagrange transmission delay:\\ +30 days, 20 hours, 22 minutes + +Castor---Pollux transmission delay:\\ +61 days, 18 hours, 8 minutes + +Castor---Artemis transmission delay:\\ +7 hours, 38 minutes +\end{quote} + +Ioan, Codrin\#Pollux, and Sorina, + +I've been nudged by both Dear and, of all people, True Name to write you with an update of life in Convergence. I've attached a longer report, but here's a quick, far more subjective summary. + +We copied the entirety of our sim into Convergence wholesale. Dear transferred ownership of the one on Castor back to Serene during a little party we had. It said that it was to apologize for wrecking the last one, and that it would try to be more careful with the new one, but that she'd better take care of the Castor version for now. It made a whole big show out of it, because of course it did, but it was a fun party all the same. + +Nothing about our sim feels any different, which, on writing it, makes perfect sense. It's a duplicate down to the subatomic level.\footnote{If that even means anything on the System.} However, the world that's available to us when we try to move between sims is far, far from the same. There are fewer places, yes, but it's all much more organized. They've decided to set up a central hub with five spokes, each `belonging' to a race. The hub and spokes — essentially long pedestrian malls — act as the primary public/common areas for everyone. It's not that there aren't public sims outside of this, but these are always at the top of everyone's mind when they think about going out. + +Along each spoke are all sorts of shops, restaurants, entertainment venues, and doors leading to larger public spaces. It started out as a non-euclidean type thing, where you would see a walkway between two shops leading out into a park that would clearly take up most of the spoke itself until too many people complained and the walkways were opaqued with a sort of curtain that depicted what was beyond. In addition, every doorway that would lead to a violation like this has been set up to give a slight tingle when transiting, just as an added signal. I haven't found it too much of a problem, but some voices were quite loud. + +The actual population of Convergence isn't all that large. There are a few million humans, about a million each of secondrace (who call themselves Dehoudevav, which is just `second people') and thirdrace (whose name I'll never be able to pronounce, much less write, but who the Artemisians, predictably enough, call Dehoudeves, or `third people'). Nearly every member of fourthrace (Dehoudever, natch) elected to join after learning about how our System is based around forking rather than skew, though this only totals a million or so. + +Firstrace, then, is the outlier. Only about a thousand of them have joined us. None have provided anything more than a vague answer as to why, too. Our best guess is that only one from each `clade' (or whatever structure is implied by their names) joined us with the exception of Turun Ka and Turun Ko due to their role in the discussions. They sound like they like us alright, they just didn't sound very interested in joining us beyond that scope. No one seems to be able to make heads or tails of their actions. + +That said, they've all been incredibly polite, even kind. One of them, Anin Li has teamed up with Sarah and I as we work on knowledge share around therapeutic practices between races. As I'm also learning that for the first time, I've got a mountain of work ahead of me. + +I say `they' above, but that goes beyond just the firstracers. Given the similarities in just how each race is polite, I imagine that there was an expectation that this is how life must exist after convergence, or, more likely, all who decided to join were briefed on how to interact during convergence. Certainly just about everyone I've run into speaks at least a little bit of our \emph{lingua franca}, though I know that many of us are learning Nanon as well. + +All the same, it feels like we're all being very careful around each other, still feeling out our boundaries. I have at least gotten the chance to introduce Dear and \Partner\ to the other emissaries (even Iska, who stuck around long enough to view one of its shows, but didn't stay; they seemed confused and unnerved). Dear and Turun Ko have gotten on well, surprising no one. + +The document will have a whole lot more that you'll likely find interesting, but I just wanted to pass on some more personal impressions as well. + +I mentioned that True Name suggested that I write to you all about this, which was honestly a little strange. Not strange in that she's been talking with me — we see each other nearly every day and have fallen into a professional relationship — but that she pulled me aside to have a really quite earnest discussion about it. + +I've seen enough of her with all pretense stripped away to know what her true earnestness looks like, and this was \emph{almost} that. There's definitely still something going on under the surface. + +Her explicit reasons for wanting me to send this to you are that she says the sentiment and mood have some striking similarities to the early days of the System. ``There is a sense of a new thing here, and it is a thing that we are left to build into our own new world,'' she said. + +I can see what she means, too. Even though we can go back to Castor at just about any time (though we've been told that, starting soon, that will be very heavily rate limited until they work out a better solution to the separate reputation markets), it very much does feel like we are a new colony. We've found ourselves in a truly empty space along with people we've never met, and it's up to us to build something that works. + +Still, she, her stanza, and Jonas are hardly absent. They seem to be putting out gentle feelers among all five races for how all of this works. I don't get the sense that they're looking to guide it in any dramatic way, but there's a tension beneath the surface that I can only just pick up on. Political structures differing between Convergence and Castor would put the rate-limiting at the border in a new context. + +All of this is based off one conversation, though, so I'll keep you all up to date as best I can. + +I miss you all. Pass on my love. + +Codrin\#Castor diff --git a/mitzvot/content/letters/old/004.tex b/mitzvot/content/letters/old/004.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..bd77541 --- /dev/null +++ b/mitzvot/content/letters/old/004.tex @@ -0,0 +1,30 @@ +\hypertarget{sorina-bux103lan-ioan-bux103lan}{% +\subsection{Sorina Bălan — Ioan Bălan}\label{sorina-bux103lan-ioan-bux103lan}} + +\begin{quote} +\itshape +systime 222 (2346) + +Artemis---Lagrange transmission delay:\\ +31 days, 15 hours, 13 minutes +\end{quote} + +Ioan, + +While I'm sure that Codrin\#Castor's already told you plenty about me, I wanted to send you a letter directly. + +Something about winding up here in a place so fundamentally different from where we've lived before has me in mind of the past. I wasn't quite sure why this was, at first. Obviously, I miss the prairie and life aboard Castor, but one would think that I'd be more worried about what's in front of me than what's behind me. The prospect of months or years aboard this new world — never mind the core facets of existing in this place — gives me plenty of time to worry about the future at my leisure, though. + +I suppose leaving behind so much is reason enough to think about the past. + +I could spend all of that time thinking about my partners (and I've certainly been thinking about them plenty), but you've been coming up in my thoughts more than I'd expected. Something about this extra layer of individuation has you feeling even less like a down-tree instance than you did before, and far more like a good friend or close family member — especially given how much I miss you. + +I miss you! Is that weird to say? Perhaps. We've never met, have we? Ruminating on my roots has me thinking fondly on all that's come and gone. We are stuck however many billions of kilometers apart, though, and that distance will only grow, the time between messages will only ever get longer. At least I think I better understand what Dear was talking about with regards to the difference between longing and being missed. + +Ah well, perhaps I'm just lonely. Lonely and moody. It's so strange here, and it's been playing havoc with my emotions. + +I miss you and May Then My Name, and I hope you're both doing well. Pass on my love. + +Sorina Bălan + +33 et-ularaeël, 4775 Artemis Reckoning diff --git a/mitzvot/content/letters/old/005.tex b/mitzvot/content/letters/old/005.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..baf8ef3 --- /dev/null +++ b/mitzvot/content/letters/old/005.tex @@ -0,0 +1,35 @@ +\hypertarget{codrin-bux103lancastor-ioan-bux103lan-codrin-bux103lanpollux}{% +\subsection{Codrin Bălan\#Castor — Ioan Bălan, Codrin Bălan\#Pollux}\label{codrin-bux103lancastor-ioan-bux103lan-codrin-bux103lanpollux}} + +\begin{quote} +\itshape +systime 223 (2347)\\ + +Castor---Lagrange transmission delay:\\ +32 days, 3 hour, 2 minutes + +Castor---Pollux transmission delay:\\ +64 days, 8 hours, 33 minutes +\end{quote} + +Ioan, Codrin, + +I'm glad that you enjoyed my description of Dear's recent performance, Ioan. Codrin, I hope your Dear manages to take some good stuff from that (I know mine sent over a whole sheaf of notes). Watching foxes of various sizes try to waltz with second- and thirdracers was funny enough, but the sole firstracer in attendance (Anin Li, who I've mentioned before as one of the two Artemisian psychologists) trying to figure out how to waltz with a fox — even one the same size as it — was more amusing than it should have been. + +I had to make sure that there was at least some pleasantness to this letter, because I'm afraid that the rest of it is going to be a bit dreary. + +You'll notice that Sorina isn't in the recipients list. I've mentioned to you both previously that the process of seeing her off to Artemis was more painful than expected, that I've been struggling with the feelings that I have both about that act of individuation and the possibility of forgetting that Artemis grants its occupants. Now, though, you can add, ``radio silence from her'' to the list of things I'm having a hard time with. + +It's not even that big of an issue. Her last letter to me was a short, polite request that she be given a little space while she works out her feelings on Dear and \Partner . I can very much respect that, of course. That they're my partners means that a lot of what I'd have to talk about would involve them. Not all, but asking me to just not talk about something that makes up the majority of my life would be uncomfortable for both of us. + +Still, it's been nearly a year since convergence, and other than the first two letters — the one to the clade and the note to me — I've not heard from her at all. Sarah has confirmed that she's still around and doing well enough. + +Sometimes, people drift apart. I know that. How many dozens (hundreds?) of people have we met in our 140-odd years that we spent time with and then slowly drifted away from? + +This isn't that, though. This is me. This \emph{was} me. This is someone who shared 100\% of my history up until the day she left, 100\% of my memories. We ought to have so much in common, and even though there is now this large swath of things that we \emph{can't} have in common any more, shouldn't she still like books? Shouldn't we be able to talk about going into therapy as a career? Shouldn't she still think about family long gone? + +Dear and \Partner\ have each discussed sending her a letter, but I've asked them to hold off for a little bit longer in case she needs more time. It'll also give me a chance to sort out my thoughts a little better too. I still feel weirdly\ldots I don't know. Broken? Wrong? It feels wrong for me to feel this torn up over someone I spent ten minutes with. + +I welcome your thoughts. Pass on my love to you and yours. + +Codrin diff --git a/mitzvot/content/letters/old/006.tex b/mitzvot/content/letters/old/006.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6e722cd --- /dev/null +++ b/mitzvot/content/letters/old/006.tex @@ -0,0 +1,80 @@ +\hypertarget{sorina-bux103lan-ioan-bux103lan}{% +\subsection{Sorina Bălan — Ioan Bălan}\label{sorina-bux103lan-ioan-bux103lan}} + +\begin{quote} +\itshape +systime 225 (2349) + +Artemis---Lagrange transmission delay:\\ +35 days, 20 hours, 24 minutes +\end{quote} + +Ioan, + +I'm breaking my communications embargo to message you directly in the strictest confidence. I don't know the details, but I'm pretty sure this will pass through Castor without pinging Codrin or my exes (or anyone, for that matter). The last thing I want is yet another tearful letter from any of them just because my name flashed across their feeds. + +Well. I say `yet another tearful letter', but there's only been three — one for each of them — so I'm hardly being bombarded, but I just\ldots I can't, Ioan. + +I need to talk to someone about this. I need to talk to someone who truly understands. I talk to Sarah quite a bit, of course, both in a therapeutic and a professional context, but there needs to be that sense of connection to the matter on a more personal level than just therapist to client. She's a delight to work with and an amazing teacher. + +In our sessions, we came up with a very specific way to deal with this decision that I've made. In order to ensure that I can learn to cherish who I was and who was in my life, I need to reinforce the positive memories of what I had. I need to make sure that those are stronger than the negative ones. I don't want that final, terrible morning to weigh on me more heavily than all of the good times that we had together. + +You know, it's weird, though. I say `final, terrible morning'. At the time, I don't remember it being so terrible. Final, yes, but not terrible. I remember being very tired. I remember waking up and slipping away from Dear and \Partner\ and making coffee in a cone of silence. I remember walking out onto the prairie. I remember suddenly seeing Codrin beside me, walking, head down in thought, as I focused on becoming me as quickly as possible. I remember walking past that brand new failing in the land with Codrin and not even having the mental capacity to think about it. All I remember was forking with each step, becoming who I am by the second and trying to move as far away from the life I had without losing my sense of self. + +It wasn't terrible. It was busy. It was purpose-driven. It was constructive. I walked from that cairn to the next with Codrin beside me and then we talked for, what, five minutes? Ten? And then I kissed em on the cheek, grabbed a stone from the cairn, and left. I still have the stone somewhere. I hid it from view a while back and have forgotten where I put it. + +It's not a terrible memory. The worst part was Codrin asking if I wanted to go back and say goodbye, but that was over in a flash as I made my decision not to. + +The rest of the morning wasn't even that bad. I stepped to Convergence and waited for True Name to show up and then walked into Customs and I was off to Artemis. + +Codrin was the first to contact me, about a month after I left. Eir message was\ldots well, I said tearful, but I'm struggling to put it any other way. It was just text on a page, but if it had been an actual letter, mailed across the millions of kilometers between Castor and Artemis, delivered to my stoop, surely the ink would have run from a tear drop or two. I could hear eir emotion through the page, and I could feel the very same tugging in my heart that I knew ey was feeling, for are we not alike? + +But we aren't, Ioan. We rushed that differentiation, that individuation, didn't we? We pushed as hard as we could for me to be a different person from em, and all we had in common was a last name and a history. + +I haven't heard from em since in the time since I arrived, but I worry that ey's still heartbroken. There must be some word for that little piece of yourself that lives on in your up-tree instances, even if it's only the memory that they were borne from you. There has to be a word for that feeling of shared identity that is incomplete enough that one is not the same. + +The next two letters, the ones from my exes, came at the same time about a month ago. I wouldn't call those nearly so heartbroken as Codrin's, but I could tell that eir pain was affecting them as well. + +I don't \emph{want} them to hurt, though! I don't want them to hurt. I want us all to move on. I want to continue being, as I have been, happy here. I want to continue in the process of healing from trauma. I want \emph{them} to continue in the process of healing from trauma. I want them to remain whole and I want to be whole myself. + +Clearly, I'm not. + +Here I am, crying over a letter to my root instance, worrying about letters that haven't arrived, probably haven't even been written, because there is still a part of me that misses what life once was. I miss my exes. I miss who I used to be. + +I am happy being Sorina, and I miss being Codrin. That's my dialectic. I can be both of those things. I've grown to accept that, and I've gotten used to the feeling of being me. I've gotten used to being a woman. I've gotten used to life among four other races. I've gotten used to the myriad new ways of expressing emotion here. + +But with those two letters, the wound that had started to heal over was once again tugged open and I felt that old stirring of longing within me. + +When we first embarked on this adventure, I think we all thought that that feeling would be the one that wore on me the most. We all worried (myself included, I suppose) that I'd miss everyone so much that I'd want to quit, so we all agreed that this would be the how it would work: I'd head off to experience life on Artemis, and if I started to miss everyone too much, I had explicit permission to quit, no need to live with that pain. + +That's not what happened, though. I got right to work with Sarah and Artante, and later Anin Li, learning all of these really amazing therapeutic techniques (such as reframing my old partners as exes, even if there was no real break-up event) that help me just as much as they help everyone else. + +They still have each other back on Castor, though. They still love each other, living out on that prairie in that ridiculous house, and all their letters serve to do is to drag me back into that mindset. + +The real crux — really, the real reason this is all making me panic so much — is that I'm forgetting. + +Forgetting! How novel! + +I remember what Dear smelled like, the feeling of its fur on my face. I remember the way its ears would bob when it shook its head. + +And the food! God, I remember the food. If there's one thing I miss, it's all the wonderful food. A bunch of fifthracers here are starting to set up restaurants, and some of fourthrace's food is pretty good, but it's not food from home, you know? + +But I can't remember the sound of their voices. I can't remember our everyday mundane conversations. I can't remember what the quiet house was like, when we were all working on our own projects in our own spaces, each of us heads down over some creative problem, poking and prodding for weaknesses in whatever blocked us until we could have a breakthrough and go show the others. + +More, I couldn't remember to be upset about missing them. + +I was happy, or at least on my way to being happy, and then bam! Suddenly, I remember what it's like to miss those I love again. + +Because I do still love them, but as I said, I just can't. I love them, and I miss them, and I miss Castor and I miss Lagrange and I miss all of the Odists getting up to their nonsense and all of the perfect imperfections of our systems. Text only communication! Almost two and a half centuries and they still haven't solved that, have they? + +I miss all that I love, and hell, I miss you. + +I love you, Ioan. I love you in that weird, roundabout way that a distant up-tree fork does. I love you for your completeness. I love you for being me, and yet not me. I love you for being Ioan and not Codrin. I love you for the solidity that I remember of you through Codrin's eyes. I love who you used to be. I love who you've become. I love who you will be. + +I want nothing more than to say pass on my love, but please, Ioan, please don't, not yet. + +I'll just say ``all my love to you and yours'' and be done with it. I promise to write again when I'm calmer. + +Sorina Bălan + +13 er-ularaeäl, 4777 Artemis Reckoning diff --git a/mitzvot/content/letters/old/007.tex b/mitzvot/content/letters/old/007.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..191b657 --- /dev/null +++ b/mitzvot/content/letters/old/007.tex @@ -0,0 +1,28 @@ +\hypertarget{codrin-bux103lanpollux-the-bux103lan-clade}{% +\subsection{Codrin Bălan\#Pollux — The Bălan clade}\label{codrin-bux103lanpollux-the-bux103lan-clade}} + +\begin{quote} +systime 225 (2349)\\ + +Pollux---Lagrange transmission delay:\\ +35 days, 9 hours, 48 minutes + +Pollux---Castor transmission delay:\\ +71 days, 13 minutes +\end{quote} + +\Partner\ is gone. + +They're gone. No fight, no yelling or acrimony, they just said that they needed some time to themselves and gave us each a hug and kiss and stepped away. I would have thought it just meant for a day or so, but their entire studio is cleared out. I pinged and they requested a few days to think before we talk. + +What do I do? We'll wait as requested, but Dear's a mess. Hell, \emph{I'm} a mess. I couldn't give it the support it needed when I needed support myself, so Serene is staying with us again for a while just to help how she can. + +What do I do? I've never gone through anything like this and everything feels so incredibly desperate, as though I've done something so awful that a single misstep will bring the entire world down around my ears. It's kept me frozen in place for a few days now. I've slept, I know, and Serene's made sure that Dear and I get outside at least once a day. + +What do I do, Ioan? + +Codrin, have you heard anything? + +What do I do? + +--- C diff --git a/mitzvot/content/letters/old/008.tex b/mitzvot/content/letters/old/008.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..aeab779 --- /dev/null +++ b/mitzvot/content/letters/old/008.tex @@ -0,0 +1,103 @@ +\null +\vfill +\begin{center}\rule{0.5\linewidth}{0.5pt}\end{center} + +\begin{quote} +Note that, from this point forward, all communications include an exclusion clause for several members of the Ode clade. I trust that, with the clade-eyes-only permissions, there really isn't a way that Hammered Silver and In Dreams' stanzas would be able to read these anyway, but we felt it prudent to build up that habit with our communications all the same. That we all received the same request across all three Systems on the same day made it an easy decision. +\end{quote} + +\begin{center}\rule{0.5\linewidth}{0.5pt}\end{center} +\vfill +\newpage + +\hypertarget{aurel-bux103lan-the-bux103lan-clade}{% +\subsection{Aurel Bălan—The Bălan clade}\label{aurel-bux103lan-the-bux103lan-clade}} + +\begin{quote} +systime 226 (2350) + +Lagrange---Pollux transmission delay:\\ +36 days, 12 hours, 53 minutes + +Lagrange---Castor transmission delay:\\ +36 days, 18 hours, 10 minutes + +Lagrange---Artemis transmission delay:\\ +37 days, 3 hours, 4 minutes +\end{quote} + +The Bălan clade, + +For as often as we talk about being trackers, I sometimes wonder if we aren't maybe more aligned with the Odists' approach to dissolution than we give ourselves credit for. Not the structure, perhaps, but to hear May and Dear talk, this idea that each of the first lines would fork to explore an interest isn't that unfamiliar to us, is it? We fork to work on projects and usually merge back, and yet when we are taken up by fixation, individuation sets in and we are suddenly no longer who we were. + +That's not all the Odists do, though—and, apparently, it's not all we do, either. They have their secret, long-lived selves, those who drift away from who they used to be, and they fork often enough to work on a task. Their instances will linger to track a task from start to finish and then they'll merge back down, just as we did. + +All this by way of greeting. Ioan and I have flipped a coin as to who would be the one to send this letter, for even though ey's listed as the sole author, that I am borne from the work that went into \emph{Individuation and Reconciliation}—and indeed \emph{was} em for much of its writing—means that I do have some claim over writing this. + +Attached is the full manuscript. This is one that I'd like to be very careful with given its contents. The ways in which it will affect the entirety of the Ode, Jonas, and Bălan clades are too complicated to wholly understand, so the more input we can have on it, the better. + +Through a winding series of events following the ordeal between Sasha and Jonas, then between Sasha (\emph{née} True Name) and the rest of the Ode clade, we've found use for yet another one of us. I chose the name `Aurel' mostly on a whim, as well as in response to some gentle ribbing about gender from a few people now. A name with diminutives that can head masculine or feminine seemed like a simple way to explore that a bit more. As I've stated in the past, I like being a Ioan and have never enjoyed `Ioana' (too many bad memories from school, perhaps?), but we're nothing if not deliberate, right? + +I will likely only be around off and on, forked as needed to track this intermittent identity, so if at all possible, avoid individual eyes-only material for me. I don't know if quitting and merging back down, then forking again will let me access eyes-only stuff should it arrive after the fact. I'll be testing that over the next time I merge back down, and I'll let you know the results. There's some info on the perisystem feeds, but not as much as I would like, so, better safe than sorry. + +Separate letters for each of you to follow. + +\begin{center} +\textbf{SORINA BĂLAN INDIVIDUAL-EYES-ONLY MATERIAL} +\end{center} + +Sorina, you are welcome to offer what input you might have or completely disregard the manuscript. I know that your relationship with the Odists is complicated, and the last thing I want to do is make you feel bad without recourse. I've only been Aurel for a few weeks now, so I have memories of all of our correspondences to date. + +To that end, I've set a portion of this letter as eyes-only for Codrin largely due to the context of our relationships with the Odists—em with Dear, Ioan with May, and now me with Sasha. I don't want to come off as hiding anything from you, but I do want to ask before I send a bunch of stuff that might cause distress given all that's been going on of late. + +On that note, how are you doing? We've been quite worried about you. I know that trying to balance the emotional pain of being so far away from your exes and Codrin doesn't play well with the ownership of your life that comes with individuation and being the only Bălan on Artemis. + +Know that Ioan and thus I love you for all of your individuality and strength. Stay safe, stay in touch, okay? + +\begin{center} +\textbf{END SORINA BĂLAN INDIVIDUAL-EYES-ONLY MATERIAL} +\end{center} + +\begin{center} +\textbf{CODRIN BĂLAN INDIVIDUAL-EYES-ONLY MATERIAL} +\end{center} + +I'm separating this content out for you two to keep from overwhelming Sorina with a bunch of information about Odists and relationships. Also, I gave her the option of disregarding the manuscript, lest that prove to be too much. + +Things have been a bit shaky throughout the clade, haven't they? I'm unsure of how much you two speak with each other, so I won't go into specifics except to say that I'm worried about you both. You and those in your lives are still incredibly important to me, even after all these years apart. Please do all that you need to keep yourselves safe and healthy. + +Please feel free to take your time with it, but we really would like to hear your thoughts on both the project and the events. Releasing something on any one system is essentially equivalent to releasing it on all three Systems, so we can't simply release it here and see what happens before sending it over to the LVs. Do you have any expectations as to the reception given the general mood of the various societies? I will note that this has already been given to Jonas here, which means it has doubtless been sent out to Castor and Pollux for them to prepare for its arrival. The events were not quite what the Jonas here on Lagrange was expecting, so I doubt that his expectations on the LVs were all that different. + +I will note that this is in spite of the apparent differences between the societies themselves. I know I wasn't able to properly articulate it in my letters at the time, as writing letters and writing a book are quite different activities, but it'll soon become clear that the Jonas lives within these three different societies has diverged little, that all three of them share the same goals they began with perhaps even centuries back and the launches have become yet one more tool. + +And what of the Odists? + +I know that we're fond of blaming them for how complicated things get sometimes. They seem to heap plenty of blame on themselves, for that matter. E.W. (\emph{né} End Waking) spoke to this several times, describing their clade identity as a sort of idolatry, and certainly not in a positive way. + +I'm starting to wonder just how universal that is, though. How much is their complication a factor in others' lives? I suspect for more people than not, they're simply weird. Dear's weird. May's weird. Were he to speak with anyone else with any regularity, I'm sure that many would find E.W. weird too. + +But complicated? How much of that is just observation bias? Do they seem complicated because their relationships with us are complicated? Dear's relationship with you two is full of complications that we initially chalked up to the fact that Dear's weird. May's relationship with Ioan is full of complications that we initially chalked up to True Name making her what she is and shoving her Ioan's way. + +And now here I am, having wound up in yet another relationship with yet another Odist. Or perhaps more than one. It is unclear to me\footnote{Or any of us, least of all her.} just how to count Sasha in terms of quantities. She is that of True Name, that of E.W., and that of May, and yet there's this fourth part of four that is something new, something else. + +As an internal postscript, I should add that, on hearing about True Name's transformation into Sasha, both True Name\#Castor and True Name\#Pollux sent the same letter to her. The \emph{exact} same. Totally identical. That speaks to a level of coordination between Jonas and the other instances of her that's more than a little unnerving. + +\begin{quote} +Sasha, + +Thank you for the update. We will respect your autonomy in this and all actions moving forward, and hope that you will respect ours. We trust that your interactions with the Jonas and Ode clades will remain cordial and professional. + +Best, + +The Only Time I Know My True Name Is When I Dream of the Ode clade +\end{quote} + +I expected that this would leave her upset, given the fact that they just very politely told her to fuck off and stay out of their business, but when she received the letters, she ran up from her tent, waving them about and laughing gleefully, shouting, ``Good fucking riddance!'' There was much forking, as is to be expected by an excited Odist. I think the greater part of her was more relieved than anything. + +\begin{center} +\textbf{END CODRIN BĂLAN INDIVIDUAL-EYES-ONLY MATERIAL} +\end{center} + +May and Sasha send their love, as do Ioan and I. We miss you and yours, and hope that you're doing as well as can be. + +Aurel Bălan diff --git a/mitzvot/content/letters/old/009.tex b/mitzvot/content/letters/old/009.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..9aff70c --- /dev/null +++ b/mitzvot/content/letters/old/009.tex @@ -0,0 +1,61 @@ +\hypertarget{codrin-bux103lanpollux-the-bux103lan-clade}{% +\subsection{Codrin Bălan\#Pollux — The Bălan clade}\label{codrin-bux103lanpollux-the-bux103lan-clade}} + +\begin{quote} +\itshape +systime 226 (2350)\\ + +Pollux---Lagrange transmission delay:\\ +36 days, 22 hours, 21 minutes + +Pollux---Castor transmission delay:\\ +71 days, 15 hours, 31 minutes +\end{quote} + +All, + +I know that the transmission delays are starting to make conversations around this awkward. It'll be four months before I hear back from Pollux and I don't even know how long from Artemis (Sorina, please don't feel obligated to respond; never mind the distance, I can see how this would be uncomfortable). Still, I've just finished the book that came with Aurel's letter, and figured I should probably update the clade on current goings on before I address that. + +Dear, Serene, and I had a chance to sit down with \Partner\ and come to a better understanding all around. They expressed that, while they're quite happy for us and who we've become, the three of us have all diverged so far in the last 25 years that the shape of the relationship just wasn't comfortable for them. They apologized for leaving in the way that they did, but said that if they didn't do so all at once, they'd never have the courage and would just get more and more uncomfortable. They initially used the word `miserable' at which both Dear and I got quite upset, but they quickly amended that to `uncomfortable'. + +They don't really know how to feel about the ways in which we've changed, and, honestly, the more we talked, the more I came to agree with them. Their prime example was the ways in which welcoming Serene in changed the dynamics between us. It changed Dear, in particular, and while they like the new Dear, it's not the same one they fell in love with. + +It all makes sense. There was no acrimony (though there were plenty of tears). They're going to take a while off and figure out how they feel a little bit better before either reengaging or stepping away for good. + +So yes, it makes sense, but that doesn't make it feel any better. Our experiences with loss are limited and all bound up in trauma. What am I to do with this? What am I to do with emotions that have wrecked not only me, but also a loved one? We can support each other to some extent, but we each grieve in our own complex ways. We've stepped on each other's toes more than once by missing the mark in our support. + +Serene, of all of us, has been the most successful at managing her reaction. Of course, she spent the least amount of time with them out of all of us and has been away for a while now besides, but she's expressed quite a bit of guilt for what she sees as her role as catalyst. Still, she's somehow managed to sneak in a tightly regimented day for the three of us without either Dear or I noticing, and that's helped. We still wake at the same time, still eat and work and walk and talk together as those in love ought, and perhaps that gives us room to process, but we're all still hurting. + +Anyway, that's the state of mind I've been in, so it's obviously going to color a lot of my response to \emph{Individuation and Reconciliation}. + +The larger part of me is impressed — not just at the goings on and how convoluted everything got so quickly, but at the writing. Well done, you two. I'll admit to being curious how Jonas is going to spin this in order to keep working as he'd like, though I don't doubt his abilities, not least of all because he apparently still has seven of the ten Odists in True Name's stanza working with him\footnote{Any word on Zacharias, by the way?} and who knows how many others besides. + +And Sasha! I will admit that, when I read about her, I found it almost hard to picture, so I'll have to largely take your word for it. When Dear read that bit, though, it got incredibly excited and wouldn't shut up about it for days, so clearly she's done something more meaningful than either of them can express. \emph{``We have all been so afraid of becoming what we were,''} it keeps saying, though I can't quite piece together what it means. It's even mentioned leaving the clade once or twice. Weird, but I won't complain: it's the most active and excited that I've seen it in quite a while. + +Still, there is no small part of me that remains worried and cautious. The last time I spoke with True Name here on Pollux, she was quite friendly and relaxed, almost familiar. While this fits with Sasha's comment about Jonas and Zacharias framing her reaction differently on each System, it doesn't fit very well with the note that True Name sent back to Lagrange. Perhaps it's an artifact of this apparent collusion between the LVs. That the notes from both True Name\#Castor and \#Pollux were identical bespeaks a level of organization surrounding how Sasha was treated in the decades leading up to her assassination attempt — and was to be treated after — that has me worried for her safety and thus Aurel's, Ioan's, and May's. + +How cynical must one be to set up a situation where one's own fork is left so beaten down? Even if True Name on the LVs was manipulated into doing so, that still requires a certain level of buy-in to go along with, right? I'm inclined to agree with E.W.'s assessment that Jonas is treating politics as a plaything, and would add on that the same is apparently true of many of the Odists. + +Be careful, Ioan and Aurel. Keep May and Sasha safe. Even if their lives aren't at risk, this is quite a lot. Clearly a sizable chunk of the clade is quite upset with them, and that can't be easy. + +\begin{center} +\textbf{IOAN BĂLAN AND AUREL BĂLAN INDIVIDUAL-EYES-ONLY MATERIAL} +\end{center} + +Confidentially, I've had more than one nightmare since \Partner\ left about what might happen to any one of us when confronted with the loss of all our partners. \Partner\ left, but Dear and Serene are here, yes? If they were to leave, if Sasha or May were to leave, what would happen to us? + +This is what I mean by current goings on framing my interpretation of \emph{I\&R}. Sorina has been keeping herself busy, burying herself in work, yes, but what I suspect happened is that Codrin and her rushing individuation during that last morning turned missing her exes, as she called them, into part of her identity. She cemented her opinions around them in place in her rush to diverge as quickly as possible. She gave herself the out of `being able to quit whenever she wanted', but without the ability to fork and with her no longer being a Codrin at all, that suddenly veers awfully close to suicide. + +She has mechanics on her side to keep herself around, but what do we have? If May or Sasha were to disappear from your lives, I-- + +Well. + +I'm not in a good enough spot to finish this letter. I'm sorry. + +\begin{center} +\textbf{END IOAN BĂLAN AND AUREL BĂLAN INDIVIDUAL-EYES-ONLY MATERIAL} +\end{center} + +Pass on my love. Dear and Serene send theirs as well. + +Codrin diff --git a/mitzvot/content/letters/old/010.tex b/mitzvot/content/letters/old/010.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..24c0b62 --- /dev/null +++ b/mitzvot/content/letters/old/010.tex @@ -0,0 +1,52 @@ +\hypertarget{sorina-bux103lan-ioan-bux103lan}{% +\subsection{Sorina Bălan — Ioan Bălan}\label{sorina-bux103lan-ioan-bux103lan}} + +\begin{quote} +\itshape +systime 226 (2350) + +Artemis---Lagrange transmission delay:\\ +38 days, 3 hours, 4 minutes +\end{quote} + +Ioan, + +I hope this letter finds you well. I have a question for you. + +I'd like to start with an apology, though, for coming off as so emotional in the last letter. As mentioned, I've been struggling with keeping my emotions in check here on Artemis. While I'm far from the only fifthracer to be so afflicted, it doesn't seem to be a pattern many are worried about. Probably 1-2\% of us are affected, and not in such a way as to be debilitating. I know the Odists struggle with the occasional bout of depression, and this is certainly no more dramatic than that. + +The drama of such emotions aside, I also don't think that they are wholly disconnected from reality. Codrin \emph{does} feel all of those things, and they \emph{do} make me uncomfortable. However, my reaction to them is something I've been working on with Sarah. + +On to my question, though. + +Years ago, back when I was newly in a relationship with Dear and \Partner , I remember thinking to myself that a lot of what I'd labeled boredom was likely loneliness. I'm not totally sure how much I agree with that assessment anymore. It's not that I \emph{wasn't} lonely. I was!\footnote{I\ldots am?} I was lonely, but part of me is wondering if the constant interaction that goes along with cohabitation means that more of my time was simply occupied by dealing with others. Dinner with others. Walking the prairie with others. Working with others. Chatting with others. There was always someone around, for Dear rarely left the home entirely. Its inability to stop working meant that there was usually still one of it left around scribbling away at its desk. + +But all of it? Probably not. I was still bored on occasion, and even now I get bored. One of the things that I noticed even going back to convergence was just how quotidian everything was. Aliens, sure, but they're also just people, such as it is, living their day-to-day lives. They eat, they sleep, they talk and argue and doubtless make love (I know the fourthracers do, but that's a subject for a different letter). + +So now that we're settling into our own quotidian lives aboard Artemis, we're experiencing our boredom again. We're eating, sleeping, talking, arguing, and, yes, making love. + +Is that what I'm missing? + +Am I missing the eating-sleeping-talking-arguing-sex that goes along with having a relationship? Is that something I should be seeking out? I don't know. I've never really entered a relationship of my own volition, not entirely. Yes, deciding to date or whatever is a collaborative effort, but the Odists will ever be themselves, and even though its focus was never on the sorts of things that May Then My Name focused on, even Dear admitted that it, what was it\ldots it ``conducted a relentless campaign to wear down some of the emotional barriers that I'd put up.'' \Partner\ disagreed with the phrasing, saying that Dear couldn't turn down a good quip to save its life. \emph{``Slander,''} it called it.\footnote{They bet on my reaction; did I ever tell you that? They planned out this whole conversation with me, with \Partner\ on point while Dear acted as backup. Though they may accuse us of being nerds, they're hardly innocent in this.} + +I'm sure I don't need to elaborate on what you've told me of May Then My Name's own manipulation. + +All this to say I've never done this before. I've never gone and sought out a relationship of my own. Do I date? Go to cafes and try to pick up a partner? Do I go to parties and drink with people until we wind up in bed? + +None of these sound like me, or like us. We're not the type to go and actively seek out a relationship.\footnote{Or sex, for that matter — it was plenty nice, but I am not missing it so badly as to worry about it.} We're the type to have a relationship fall into our laps and then think and think and think and maybe in the end go along with it. It's not a bad way of approaching it, all told. + +But is that something I want? Were a relationship to fall in my lap, would I go along with it? Is `picking up people in a cafe/at a party' just setting up situations where such a thing might happen? I don't know. + +More importantly, \emph{should} I go along with it? Am I now so lonely that I need to seek out a relationship in order to feel whole again, or is that just me missing my exes? + +Maybe it's worth a try. Nothing need be permanent — both of our partners made sure that we understood that. I can try, and if it doesn't work out, fine. It need not be permanent, just as I said my existence here need not be permanent.\footnote{This has been greatly complicated by my inability to fork. Codrin and I rushed individuation so quickly and so effectively that, in a world where I cannot create a copy of myself that will live on, quitting becomes suicide in a very real way. I am the only Sorina, and to die would be to end anything resembling Sorina in the entire universe. That hasn't been an issue for us since the 2230s! I know that you've been thinking about Rareș more of late, but even our death to him was not permanent. We disappeared, yes, other than those few notes back, but we were not dead. Death has taken on a new flavor for us, and now I'm remembering the bitter tang of it from before we uploaded. I will need to put more thought into it.} + +I've written twelve question marks so far and not yet gotten to the question I wanted to ask. Should I seek out a new relationship \emph{before} I reengage with my exes? I want to know if I should in general, of course, but in particular, I want to know your thoughts on trying to actively process these thoughts on what relationships mean to me before I go about processing what breakups mean. + +I don't know, I'm feeling my emotions get in the way of my words again. I really don't mean to dump on you like this, but, as I said, your grounded, anchoring nature makes you an obvious source of comfort. Thank you for listening to me. + +All my love, + +Sorina Bălan + +41 anser-ularaeäl, 4777 Artemis Reckoning diff --git a/mitzvot/content/letters/old/011.tex b/mitzvot/content/letters/old/011.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6da0641 --- /dev/null +++ b/mitzvot/content/letters/old/011.tex @@ -0,0 +1,60 @@ +\hypertarget{ioan-bux103lan-codrin-bux103lanpollux}{% +\subsection{Ioan Bălan — Codrin Bălan\#Pollux}\label{ioan-bux103lan-codrin-bux103lanpollux}} + +\begin{quote} +\itshape +systime 227 (2351) + +Lagrange---Pollux transmission delay:\\ +39 days, 4 minutes +\end{quote} + +Codrin, + +Sasha told me something shortly after she became Sasha: + +\begin{quote} +Our lives are informed by fear, Ioan. I am afraid. \emph{We} are afraid. We lived through a moment of such terror that whoever we were before is someone completely different. I\ldots that is, that of True Name faces this fear through control, and thus so do my up-tree instances, in one way or another. Praiseworthy saw that fear and tried to reshape herself, to find a way to more perfectly move with the crowd so that it might slip past her, and now your cocladist's partner shapes itself so easily that it has literally made it into an art. We lost our friend, and then we truly lost them, and now we live what lives we may afraid but coping. +\end{quote} + +There is fear within us all. There can't \emph{but} be fear within us, and we have all of our own fears particular to us, don't we? The loss of our family, the separation from Rareș, these things shape us into who we are, and how we interact with those that we love. + +Despite our experience with separation, though, you're going through something truly unique for us. Of the three/four of us, none of us had ever been in a romantic relationship before our experiences with Dear, and so now we're experiencing something new. Having never been in a relationship, we've perforce never experienced breaking up. + +And, like you, that thought terrifies me. + +I know I've spoken several times before about how much the idea of losing May (and, increasingly, Sasha) scares me. We're creeping up on a century and a half old and I don't think we've ever experienced more than a fleeting glimpse of suicidality here and there, but if there's one thing that makes me fear for my own safety, it's the thought of life without them. + +What you're going through is \emph{real}. It's real pain, real emotion, and it's really hard. I want to validate that. There is certainly little in the way of advice that I can offer, what with the transmission delay, but I can at least offer that. I hope that, when you get this more than two months after you wrote about your distress, that it can at least help that little bit. + +I talked with May about this briefly, and, as I expected it would, the conversation turned into her gently probing my feelings on the matter and where they came from. The bit that hit hardest (and left me a bit of a wreck) was when she asked if this was anything like being separated from Rareș. + +Is that the basis of this fear? Is the fact that we specifically left him behind with Aunt Rahela in full knowledge that we'd almost certainly never see him ever again the reason we feel the way we do about the ones we love now? I don't know. I never looked him up. Not before we forked, and not since. I don't know where he is, don't know if he uploaded or died back on Earth, and I'm too afraid of that knowledge to even try. + +What I do know is that, even if this is testing those limits once again, we're older — \emph{much} older — now and we're in a place where we have those around us who we can lean on. When I uploaded, I was just a stupid twenty year old with nothing to show for his life\footnote{Remember when we used those pronouns? So much has changed\ldots{}} except a desperate need to at least do one thing right. There was no one here I knew. The only thing I could do was write a note or two back to phys-side and then just bury myself in school and books to try and move on. + +Now, though, you have Dear. You have Serene. You have countless friends, all of whom can be there for you, and even though any reply is two months away, I'm here for you too, as are May and Sasha and, I guess, sometimes Aurel. + +As a final note, True Name\#Castor sent a short letter directly to Aurel on learning of em and the reasons for eir existence. Since Sasha went on sabbatical again, Aurel merged down after a week out on eir own just writing and experiencing solitude, and so now I have this note as well. There were no instructions on whether or not I should pass it on or share it, and I probably wouldn't even think to pass it on if it weren't for the ways in which the Ode clade is changing across all three Systems. I'm surprised at how quickly all of this change is happening after so long of relative stasis, but I guess that's what happens when you get aliens and an assassination attempt. + +Some of the letter contained some eyes-only stuff for each of us which I've trimmed, but here is the rest: + +\begin{quote} +Sasha, + +Despite the tone of my previous note, I am not unhappy for you. The ways in which you and I have changed and have been changed by the events around us perhaps gives me room to understand a little better, though to move beyond the Ode as completely as you have takes more courage than I possess. + +I think that the direction in which your writing is going is the correct one, and I will begin preparing Castor and Convergence for such. I take well your meaning: the name that can be named is not the eternal name. + +Aurel, you and Ioan must stay watchful and attentive to your partners. There is no danger, I hope, but there will be stress. + +Wishing you the best, + +True Name\#Castor +\end{quote} + +Perhaps most interestingly, the note specifically contained a visibility exemption for True Name\#Pollux,\footnote{Which I've maintained for this letter.} despite being eyes-only for Aurel and Sasha. May was quick to point out that, as far as we know, it wasn't sent to Pollux at all. Surely the two True Names aboard the LVs are in communication with each other and they've been sharing their own notes back and forth. This exemption, then, becomes a part of the text. I suppose I have to amend my previous statement as Aurel regarding the level of coordination between the two instances. There is something going on here, some difference between the two LVs that True Name\#Castor is hinting at. + +Sending all our love to you and yours. + +Ioan diff --git a/mitzvot/content/letters/old/012.tex b/mitzvot/content/letters/old/012.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..362b96f --- /dev/null +++ b/mitzvot/content/letters/old/012.tex @@ -0,0 +1,64 @@ +\hypertarget{sorina-bux103lan-ioan-bux103lan}{% +\subsection{Sorina Bălan — Ioan Bălan}\label{sorina-bux103lan-ioan-bux103lan}} + +\begin{quote} +\itshape +systime 227 (2351) + +Artemis---Lagrange transmission delay:\\ +38 days, 22 hours, 11 minutes +\end{quote} + +Ioan (and, I guess, Aurel), + +I sent my last letter before receiving Aurel's. I will not apologize for apparently predicting that I would receive such when I spoke of seeking out someone to fill that role in my life. My congratulations to them, I suppose. To you? Aurel doesn't seem so long-lived as either Codrin or I. + +Is that what one does in this situation? Congratulate? Either way, I wish them the best. + +It's also spurred a line of thinking within me that I'm still trying to tease apart, and I'm hoping that writing you will help in that. Doubtless you'll have some insights, sure, but also just the act of writing — to someone I trust, no less — should be helpful on its own. + +Let me begin by saying that I appreciate the way that the clade has provided me options for opting into dealing with topics regarding the Odists. It was initially quite helpful, but as I work through my thoughts on the matter, intentionally engaging with them as a topic has become my new goal. So long as that content is clearly delineated, I see no reason to hide it behind eyes-only segments. If I'm up for reading it, I'll read it. If not, I won't. Thank you for all of your thoughtfulness over the last few years. + +So, why the Odists? What is it about them that leads to us working so well together? We're hardly the same. We're hardly an exact match. We are two puzzle pieces in the broader whole of the world. Not \emph{matching} puzzle pieces, but close. We don't fit together perfectly.\footnote{I suspect that might have actually been rather boring.} + +And perhaps that's it. Perhaps it's the way we both accept that, internalize it, make it part of who we are when taken in combination. I loved — no, still love — Dear. It was so weird, and it drove me fucking nuts at times. It could be too much, too intense. Sometimes, it was too wrapped up in its art to thoughtfully engage with the world around it. It was prone to tantrums and sulking. + +But me? I was dense. Not just when I was new to the concept of relationships (though certainly more so then!), but throughout our time together, I was constantly misreading cues, misunderstanding the depths of emotions, falling apart when I hadn't the emotional literacy to deal with what was happening around me. + +We were each terrible in our own way, and yet we made it work. The puzzle pieces still fit together well enough, and formed a brighter picture. We accepted that about the other that was undesirable and found ways to work with or around it in order to let the parts that \emph{did} work for us improve us as individuals. + +I loved it for its art, yes, but also for its depth of emotion, for its emotional literacy where mine was lacking. I loved it for the patience it had in helping me learn how to be an active participant in my own life. I loved it for just how fucking weird it was. + +Hearing you talk about May Then My Name has tallied quite well with this, too. She's taught you much the same, and you've added to each other's lives without necessarily being a perfect fit. She's sometimes too much: you've complained often enough about her being too emotionally intense or requiring a bit more engagement than you're always prepared to give, but you still find ways to work with or around that just as I did with Dear. + +Twice is a curiosity, three times is a pattern, as we saw with Codrin\#Pollux and Serene. And now four (five?) times with Sasha? + +Yes, there's a third of Sasha who is already someone you love, but whether or not you realized that you were doing so, you also spoke quite fondly of True Name over the last year that she was solely herself. You had your hesitancies, of course. You equivocated about whether or not you were friends, on what your role actually was in interacting with her, sitting between her and your partner. We've all expressed our frustration (or even anger) with her over her role in both our lives and the System as a whole, you included. + +But as you mentioned in letters during that year, you were also called out on this by both Sarah and May Then My Name more than once. Hell, \emph{that} you were equivocating speaks to the fact that you were even thinking about it in the first place. It wasn't some foregone conclusion that you were just, as you put it once, ``cordial and intentional acquaintances''. You recognized that friction: it was an artifact of inexact language rather than emotions. + +Don't even get me started about how you talked about E.W.! Yes, I wish I'd had the chance to meet him, too, but for a while, nearly every letter you sent included some story followed by that exact sentiment. + +Congratulations are due to Aurel, yes, but I am in absolutely no way surprised. + +So what is it about them? Why the Odists? How come we keep winding up in relationships with them? Is it some core aspect to them? Would we have gotten on so well with Michelle, had she been singular enough and in our lives at the right moment? Or is it just those with the right ``perpetual hyperfixation'', as you so eloquently put it, who fall into our lives? + +You and perhaps Codrin\#Pollux are uniquely positioned to answer this litany of questions. Do you have any insight into what it is that has led us to this state? + +I'll be honest that I'm not sure what I'll get out of your answer. I don't know if it'll feel good to read,\footnote{I can tell you that it took several sessions to actually write this letter. There were a lot of breaks to take walks or sit and stare out the window like some awful painting titled \emph{Sehnsucht} or something. I'm putting a light face on it now, but really, I've been such a mope, it's almost a parody.} but I guess I'm hoping that it'll offer some sense of closure. If I-- no, \emph{when} I feel comfortable getting in touch with Codrin again, I will likely ask em, too, as perhaps \Partner\ will have some insight. I will, just\ldots not yet. + +There is one more thing that I'm a little hesitant to ask about, because I'm not quite sure what direction your thoughts are heading in. The chance that me bringing this up is only going to hurt you is real, given the tenor of your letters, and for that I apologize. + +I've noticed that you've been talking about Rareș quite a bit more over the last year. I touched on it briefly last letter, but I want to approach it more intentionally: what was it that brought him to mind? + +I still think about him, you know. I think about how when he got frustrated, he'd smile, but with his brows knit. It was such a uniquely \emph{him} expression. I think about our parents' funeral and how, even at 10, he seemed to understand on a deep level — deeper than us — the finality of death. I think about the confusion and hurt on his face when we announced we were going to upload. It's not that he didn't love aunt Rahela, or that she didn't love us, but we were so much more a parent to him than she ever was. + +I still think about him and hope that we did the right thing. I think we did. I think \emph{you} did. + +Have you found him? Have you looked? You do not need to. You have my permission not to if that's not what you need. + +I love you. Pass on my love to May Then My Name as well. + +Sorina + +22 an-ularaeäl, 4779 Artemis Reckoning diff --git a/mitzvot/content/letters/old/013.tex b/mitzvot/content/letters/old/013.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d785450 --- /dev/null +++ b/mitzvot/content/letters/old/013.tex @@ -0,0 +1,67 @@ +\hypertarget{codrin-bux103lanpollux-the-bux103lan-clade}{% +\subsection{Codrin Bălan\#Pollux — The Bălan clade}\label{codrin-bux103lanpollux-the-bux103lan-clade}} + +\begin{quote} +\itshape +systime 227 (2351) + +Pollux---Lagrange transmission delay:\\ +38 days, 3 hours, 2 minutes + +Pollux---Castor transmission delay:\\ +76 days, 22 hours, 34 minutes +\end{quote} + +All, + +Last night, I mentioned off-hand that I felt like things were ``settling into a new normal'', at which Dear and Serene both threw cookies at me. It took a while to get them to stop laughing to explain that ``new normal'' had become something of a forbidden phrase back phys-side prior to the creation of the System. Something about it just didn't sit right with people, I guess, so everyone would just wrinkle their noses whenever it came up like someone had said something particularly disgusting. + +That was before my time, though. Why it needed to trigger a food fight is beyond me, but I never claimed to understand foxes. + +All the same, it really does feel like we're settling into a new sort of normal, here. We wake up, make coffee, have some breakfast, then each head off to do our own work.\footnote{I could expand on the arguments surrounding how to catalog the Artemis data dump, but it's boring even for me.} We've mostly been just getting lunch on our own since I'm spending much of the day out of the house, these days. We'll meet back up for dinner, then just relax together until bed. + +Food has honestly been the biggest adjustment for me. For a while, Dear and I just stopped eating. \Partner\ cooked just about everything, and while each of us know how to make some of our own favorites, even just engaging with food left a sort of longing for how things had been. Wasn't required, was painful, why bother? + +It was Serene who knocked us out of that particular slump. Dear was starting to get particularly jittery, lots of restless forking, and I pulled her aside to mention that I thought it might be on the way to overflowing, to which she readily agreed. We wound up heading out for sushi at a place that floats plates of sushi down to you along a little canal that winds its way between the tables — J2? Do they have that on Lagrange? Well, turns out you can special order there, too, and they'll float a whole boat down to your table. It's built like a full three-masted ship,\footnote{A barque, perhaps? Cue a Bălan-style research binge\ldots{}} complete with little cloth sails, and on each of the decks, rolls are piled up or splayed out in neat rows. We ate way, \emph{way} too much sushi, and the two foxes got in a small contest of adding larger and larger amounts of wasabi to their bites until both had tears streaming down their faces. + +Again, I've never claimed to understand them. + +After that, we tried to make sure we ate at least once a week, then at least a day. It took us a while to sort out just how, though, as none of us are spectacular cooks. I make a pretty good tocană and a few other stews besides, but those are mostly cold-weather food. The Odists have their own stock set of recipes, but we've had to make up a few on the fly. There have been a lot of salads, a lot of sandwiches. Still, it gives us all a chance to sit down together and just stop whatever it is we're working on, a little marker for when the day ends and the evening begins. + +Evenings have largely been slow and calm, relaxing on the couch or out on the patio. We've gone exploring a few times, too. As mentioned previously, Serene redid much of the sim to add some variety to the otherwise unending plain. To the east, it continues uninterrupted, while to the west, after a scant mile of hillocks, craggy, aged mountains jut up at a steep angle. These take the form of flat planes of red rock broken at acute angles pushing up from the earth directly west of the house, followed by a more conventional range. To the north, this continues along a ridge that slowly transforms into a line of boulders and sandstone ridges. To the south and further west, the hills are covered in a dense pine forest. Directly to the south of the house, a river runs out of the mountains to travel south and east. It's lined with willows, oaks, and cottonwoods. There was much good-natured ribbing of Serene for the latter. \emph{``Cheap plastic trees! Sneeze-factories that shed branches at the slightest breeze!''} Dear had opinions. + +Our explorations have largely been to the south and west, where we've been hunting down my cairns. Serene somehow built the terrain up beneath them so that they remain dotting the slopes of the hills, between trees, or atop mountains (we skipped the climbing part of that to go check). We've camped out there a few times, but it's been a lot of day hikes. + +I'm told that we'll soon get inter-System A/V transmissions, though it'll be restricted to still images for bandwidth's sake. I'll make sure you get some pictures of us as well as of the landscape. + +There have been a few bumps as we sort things out. Obviously, we still occasionally wind up feeling low from \Partner 's absence. There's been a few days where one or the other of us winds up in a sulk, though we're increasingly getting used to this new life. + +Dear and Serene have also wound up in feedback loops a few times. Remember when I wrote ``Two foxes in the same house? Never again''? Well, I still have my occasional moments of regret. One of them will get a little extra sarcastic and the other will try to one-up them. Or, worse, one will get a little snippy, and it'll turn into a quick volley of shitty comments followed by a sulk, then back to as it was before.\footnote{I don't mean ``pretending it didn't happen'', mind. They seem to accept these little spats as part of cohabitation. They take them seriously, address the issue, but then just get on with life. It's taken a bit of getting used to, as it's different from how Dear interacts with me. I haven't figured it out at all, but I guess when you have a fight with yourself, you get over it far quicker.} When this happens, either I'll step out, or I'll kick them both out to deal with it. It's been a quick adjustment, honestly; far easier than when \Partner\ was here. Maybe just because there are fewer different interpersonal dynamics at play? I'm still thinking about it. + +I have seen \Partner\ a few times, for what it's worth. It's not like they just up and cut contact. We've gotten coffee a few times, and they stopped by for an incredibly awkward dinner party. While we have largely worked out that things are just kind of over between us and them, that doesn't mean that our feelings have just dissipated — nor, indeed, have theirs: ``It's still a break-up, I'm still hurting over it, even if it's for the best.'' + +And you know, as I take a look back at who we were, at who Codrin\#Castor is and, hell, who you and Aurel are, I see where they're coming from. We can't stay the same forever. Our happinesses change as the world around us changes. We can't possibly remain the same, but neither can we possibly change in exactly the same ways. Something like this was bound to happen eventually, and it has me thinking that there will probably come a day when Dear and I drift apart. I don't know if that'll be any easier for being the second time around, or just differently hard, but I suppose one upside of the whole thing is that it has me focusing on the love I have in front of me. + +Speaking of the love in front of us! Aurel and Sasha? What a delight! At first, I was surprised that it took as long as it did, but then I realized that Sasha's far more complex than just ``May Then My Name plus two friends''. Then I was surprised that Ioan and May Then My Name's relationship didn't just expand to include her, but of course not everyone's relationship structure need mirror ours (never mind the fact that I don't even know what the dynamic is between May Then My Name and Sasha; it sounds friendly enough, at least). + +\begin{center} +\textbf{IOAN BĂLAN INDIVIDUAL-EYES-ONLY MATERIAL} +\end{center} + +If I may ask, how has the dynamic worked when you're Aurel, when you're away from May Then My Name but still with Sasha? I can't imagine it's entirely comfortable to spend much time away from her, even if you're still with someone you love. You live in the same building,\footnote{I'm trying to picture this: it goes your and May Then My Name's bedroom, the den/kitchen, then a door to Aurel and Sasha's bedroom, then their own den/kitchen? Like a duplex? Do you use that door often? Do you see each other out on the deck? Eat together? I'm hungry for details.} if I'm understanding this right, but I'm assuming you're hardly seeing your other partner all of the time, right? + +I guess I ask because there's at least a small analogy to be made between our two situations, in that I'm no longer with \Partner\ but still with Dear. I know — or at least suspect — that it's not exactly the same, as Aurel's still a fork, however long-lived, and thus not \emph{not} in a relationship with May Then My Name, just that that's on pause. + +If I'm to keep seeing \Partner\ on occasion, then I'm going to have to figure out how to interact in a way that isn't strictly in a relationship, yet also isn't as fragile as I feel. + +All the same, I wish the three/four/six/seven/however-you-count-it of you the best. + +Also, some of your letters are starting to sound a little despondent when it comes to Rareș. Are you okay? Is there anything we can help with? I will admit that I know a bit more about\ldots the current status,\footnote{It comes with working in a library. We just know things. It just kind of happens.} but I'm not going to dump that on you without your permission. + +\begin{center} +\textbf{END IOAN BĂLAN INDIVIDUAL-EYES-ONLY MATERIAL} +\end{center} + +All my love. Dear and Serene both send theirs as well. + +Codrin Bălan\#Pollux diff --git a/mitzvot/content/letters/old/014.tex b/mitzvot/content/letters/old/014.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..084ce51 --- /dev/null +++ b/mitzvot/content/letters/old/014.tex @@ -0,0 +1,36 @@ +\hypertarget{codrin-bux103lancastor-sorina-bux103lan-fwd-ioan-bux103lan}{% +\subsection{Codrin Bălan\#Castor — Sorina Bălan — Fwd: Ioan Bălan}\label{codrin-bux103lancastor-sorina-bux103lan-fwd-ioan-bux103lan}} + +\begin{quote} +\itshape +systime 227 (2351) + +Castor---Lagrange transmission delay:\\ +38 days, 15 hours, 1 minute +\end{quote} + +Ioan, + +Taking your advice along with that of True Name, of all people,\footnote{A part of me wonders if it's in response to the role you played between her and May Then My Name on Lagrange, offering a little bit of mediation to keep that gap bridged. I'm too shy to ask, I think.} I finally wrote to Sorina in a very open and, I hope, welcoming way. I want to find out where we stand, of course, but I also don't want to push \emph{that} much of a discussion on her. Just\ldots say hi and ensure that the line of communication remains open. I've attached what I wrote just so you're up to date as well. + +I ran the letter by Dear, \Partner , Sarah, and True Name, and all of them kept telling me it was far too wordy. They're probably right, too,\footnote{True Name in particular suggested that this is still probably too long, but I sent it anyway, as I want to at least add a positive note about life on Castor.} as frustrating as it was to pare it down. I know we're a wordy bunch, but it was edging up past 2000 words, when all it needed to was act as an invitation to open discussions. + +All my best, + +Codrin\#Castor + +\begin{center}\rule{0.5\linewidth}{0.5pt}\end{center} + +\begin{quote} +Sorina, + +I wanted to reach out with my greetings and gratitude for your patience with me as I get used to life as it has become. Much has happened in the last five years. + +Despite the momentous nature of an extraterrestrial encounter, life continues on Castor much as it has for the previous two and half decades, as it did on Lagrange before. We sleep, wake, work, eat, talk, walk, all as we always have. I hope that life for you has continued in pleasant and productive ways and that you're still able to do all that makes it fulfilling. + +I understand that the nature of your departure has been a point of stress for the both of us. I know that some of that stress on my end has bled over onto you, and for that I apologize. If you're comfortable doing so, I would love to hear from you. + +Best, + +Codrin Bălan\#Castor +\end{quote} diff --git a/mitzvot/content/letters/old/015.tex b/mitzvot/content/letters/old/015.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..cbe5725 --- /dev/null +++ b/mitzvot/content/letters/old/015.tex @@ -0,0 +1,29 @@ +\hypertarget{sorina-bux103lan-the-bux103lan-clade}{% +\subsection{Sorina Bălan — The Bălan clade}\label{sorina-bux103lan-the-bux103lan-clade}} + +\begin{quote} +\itshape +systime 227 (2351) + +Artemis---Castor transmission delay:\\ +1 day, 2 hours, 52 minutes + +Artemis---Lagrange transmission delay:\\ +39 days, 1 hour, 12 minutes +\end{quote} + +Codrin Bălan\#Pollux, + +Greetings and gratitude from Artemis as well, and I appreciate your patience in turn. + +I am currently working on getting my thoughts in line for a longer, more well thought out response, but I did at least want to write you a note to acknowledge your letter and to beg your forgiveness for my silence as this stress, as you call it, shakes out. + +I must admit that I'm still feeling raw, both from the distance from you and yours as well as what I'm sure are mostly imaginary expectations of how I must be feeling. Once I have a better grasp on where I fit within both the Bălan clade and the wider universe, I think I'll better be able to engage. + +Until then, however, we'll call this communications embargo lifted, and I'll look forward to hearing from you all. + +All my best, + +Sorina Bălan + +2 es-ularaeäl, 4779 Artemis Reckoning diff --git a/mitzvot/content/letters/old/016.tex b/mitzvot/content/letters/old/016.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..9a21bd2 --- /dev/null +++ b/mitzvot/content/letters/old/016.tex @@ -0,0 +1,62 @@ +\hypertarget{codrin-bux103lanpollux-ioan-bux103lan}{% +\subsection{Codrin Bălan\#Pollux — Ioan Bălan}\label{codrin-bux103lanpollux-ioan-bux103lan}} + +\begin{quote} +\itshape +systime 228 (2352) + +Pollux---Lagrange transmission delay:\\ +39 days, 17 hours, 41 minutes +\end{quote} + +Ioan and May Then My Name, + +I had the chance to sit down with \Partner\ for a pretty long chat over dinner yesterday. They invited me over to the sim they've built for themself which is\ldots incredibly them. There is no den or common area. There's just a one bedroom apartment stuck off the back of a large kitchen that, they promised me, looked as much like one they could remember from a tour back phys-side when they were working at getting into culinary school. It was quite a bit more cramped than I would have expected, but they explained that this was to keep the amount of walking to a minimum. They showed me what they meant by cooking one of the best dishes of \emph{cacio e pepe} that I've ever had, and they did so without really moving their feet at all. They could turn to the prep station to grate cheese while the noodles boiled on one burner of the six-burner stove, then just all at once pull everything together on a pan on one of the other burners. + +We took our food out into the front, which had been set up like a restaurant. They explained that for some reason they couldn't figure out, they'd never thought of actually opening up their own restaurant, but were planning on doing so soon. They said that it felt related to their relationship to Dear, something about it keeping them pinned into a certain lifestyle. They were quick to explain that this wasn't a bad thing, wasn't unpleasant, just that they never got around to it with the life that they'd built up together even before I wound up joining the triad. + +We ate mostly in silence. It was a little tense at first, but then it just turned into us simply enjoying the food without letting words pass between us. It's been a long time since I've enjoyed a comfortable silence like that. They crop up occasionally with Dear and Serene, but far less so than they ever did between me and \Partner . + +They bade me stay in my seat while they waved away the plates and ducked back to the kitchen to pick up two plates of tiramisu and two demitasses of espresso. + +Delicious as ever. + +Finally, they asked how we were doing. I had to force myself to think for a moment before just blurting out a response. I decided to just explain our day-to-day experiences much as I did in the last letter. I talked about how we'd started exploring the sim more. We laughed about us having to learn how to cook something other than college student food. They commiserated with me over just how intense two Odist foxes in the same house without any other moderating force must be. + +They talked about their own process of setting up a new life, about procuring a bunch of stuff off the exchange with only the vaguest of ideas of setting up a restaurant, then slowly tweaking and tweaking and tweaking until they got closer to what they thought of as ideal. ``I'm still figuring out how I'm going to decorate this place. I thought about putting up my own paintings, but how tacky is that? Might as well just name it ``\Partner 's Wish Fulfillment Bistro'' at that point, right?'' + +I assured them that their paintings were plenty good enough, as was the food. + +Finally, though, we switched from coffee to wine and moved from the table to a lounge couch in what I imagine will be the quieter spot of the restaurant, and got to talking about how we got to where we are and where to go from here. + +They nudged me to lead, I think maybe because they expected I'd have quite a lot of grievances to air about them leaving as they did. Instead, I started with what I told you, that I could certainly see where they were coming from, about how things change after fifty years, and how our happinesses change as the world we live in changes. + +They readily agreed, saying that, while they loved Dear and Serene on their own, their dynamic together was as frustrating as it was fun, and that it never fit quite into the `romantic' category of fun. They got pretty awkward when they described how I've changed and I had to urge them on several times, but they said that they'd long considered me a comforting, if passive, personality who made a good active listener, and that while I was still good at listening and still comforting to be around, me taking the step to start working at the library, shifted my passive nature to a far more active one. They said that, while they're happy for me, it was such a change as to be jarring; that, as bad as it sounds, they liked the passive version of me more. + +What a strange thing to hear! I'll admit that I had to curb my frustration at that. Isn't self-actualization something we should all aim for? And when I'd talked about it initially, they were incredibly supportive of the decision. + +Having thought on it, though, I think I can see where they're coming from. It wasn't that me being passive itself was good and me being more active with my life was bad, so much as there was a set of habits that we'd all built up around me following while they led, and to have those shaken up was a prime example of those new happinesses at work. I love what I do at the library. I love the feeling of taking charge of research — I always have — and to do so in a setting that requires active participation and, often, leadership had shifted the way that I acted at home. + +I wasn't able to put this in words at the moment, but was thankfully able to keep that frustration at bay and just tell them I'd think about it. I sent them a note earlier today with many of these thoughts to follow up on that. + +Anyway, we just kind of settled into silence after that, just drinking wine and relaxing, occasionally bringing up some memory or another to reminisce. Finally, we gave each other a hug and I headed back home to Dear and Serene to catch them up. I suspect that Serene had spent much of the evening keeping Dear calm so that it wouldn't be a fretting mess by the time I got back. Probably a good idea. I can just imagine it either sulking or huffing when confronted with the conversation. As it was, we still had to put much of me recounting the evening off until today, thus me writing this letter + +So, overall impressions: I'm feeling much more comfortable with the way we're each moving on. They're getting to move forward and build for themselves, while we've been shocked into realizing what it is we need to feel better and be more active in our own relationship rather than letting things stagnate. + +It hurt, and it still occasionally feels bad, and I don't think it'll ever quite stop, but I also think that, yeah, it might have actually been for the best. + +So I guess I have some questions that I'm left with that are probably more for May Then My Name than Ioan. + +I'm not sure how much ey's talked about my current situation, but it's come up before that this is the first time we've really had to deal with a loss like this as Bălans, other than perhaps leaving our brother behind when we uploaded.\footnote{Something we compartmentalized right away and, it seems, have only just now started to process. It'll probably be a good thing, overall.} + +I hear it talked about as a cliche that the best outcome of a break-up is to remain friends, and I'm feeling pretty good about the direction we're headed there. It feels almost like a sign of maturity, I suppose, as opposed to something more acrimonious, but I don't know how true that is. + +I know that you've had far more experience with relationships that any of us have. What have you found to be the best way to communicate with ex-partners after the relationship ends? Do you think we're on a good track? I know that every relationship is going to be different, but you've had a chance to spend some time with us (several decades back, granted). Are there any suggestions you have for ways to make this\ldots I don't know, productive for us? Make it something we can take good things away from, too? + +On that note, do you have any thoughts in general on relationships and change? Forty-odd years of a relationship feels like a long time, but then I realize just how old we all are, and maybe it isn't? But then again, the passage of time itself doesn't change just because we live longer, does it? + +Ah well. This has me feeling stuck up in my head as usual, trying to think everything into place. All the same, I appreciate the chance to be able to talk about it, even at a distance. + +Wishing you all the best, and the three of us send our love, as does \Partner . + +Codrin diff --git a/mitzvot/content/letters/old/017.tex b/mitzvot/content/letters/old/017.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..dbbadee --- /dev/null +++ b/mitzvot/content/letters/old/017.tex @@ -0,0 +1,36 @@ +\hypertarget{codrin-bux103lancastor-the-bux103lan-clade}{% +\subsection{Codrin Bălan\#Castor — The Bălan clade}\label{codrin-bux103lancastor-the-bux103lan-clade}} + +\begin{quote} +\itshape +systime 228 (2352) + +Castor---Artemis transmission delay:\\ +1 day, 3 hours, 10 minutes + +Castor---Lagrange transmission delay:\\ +40 days, 5 hours, 11 minutes + +Castor---Pollux transmission delay:\\ +79 days, 23 hours, 40 minutes +\end{quote} + +Sorina, + +Thank you so much for your letter. I was delighted to wake up to it this morning, though I have to admit that I needed quite a bit of coffee before I could actually manage to read it. I sometimes get the feeling that there's just too much coffee in our lives, but hey, it's good. + +Convergence has pretty well settled down over here. The border with Castor has been firmly limited — instances are allowed transit only once per week, so if you head out to Castor, you have to spend at least a week out there — but there are plans to open it back up. It sounds like they've come up with a better solution to the reputation market. I don't know the details, but I've been promised it's rather like having multiple currencies back phys-side, with an exchange and trade and such. Smarter people than I are working on it. + +The Artemisians here are settling in to greater or lesser extent. A handful have quit since they've arrived. We've required no explanation for why, so we're left with only what they or their friends have said about their decision. Most seem to have just missed time skew too much. While I don't want to discuss them much otherwise, I will note that there was one instance of a similar reaction to our System that the Odists had to Artemis: one of the fourthracers who, I'm told, was one of those affected most by their version of the lost virus. + +We're starting to see lasting friendships form between humanity and the Artemisians (beyond the emissaries, that is). It initially felt surprising given our apparent similarities with fourthrace, but thirdrace seems to have integrated most easily. They are, to the last, gregarious, excitable, and fun. Combine that with their expressive features, and it's easy to make friends with them. + +I've been settling into a routine with Sarah, Artante, Anin Li, and a few others, who have set up something halfway between a school and a therapeutic practice. It's been a ton of work, but really fulfilling. + +In the interest of keeping everything low-stress, never mind all of the grand happenings and crazy new things that must be happening around you, can you just tell us more about yourself? How are you feeling? Who have you met? What are your days like? Do you, too, drink way too much coffee? Please tell me they have coffee up there\ldots{} + +Take your time; there's no pressure to respond any time soon. We'll look forward to hearing from you at your own pace. + +All our best, + +Codrin Bălan diff --git a/mitzvot/content/letters/old/018.tex b/mitzvot/content/letters/old/018.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..a25f440 --- /dev/null +++ b/mitzvot/content/letters/old/018.tex @@ -0,0 +1,78 @@ +\hypertarget{ioan-bux103lan-the-bux103lan-clade}{% +\subsection{Ioan Bălan — The Bălan clade}\label{ioan-bux103lan-the-bux103lan-clade}} + +\begin{quote} +\itshape +systime 229 (2353) + +Lagrange---Pollux transmission delay:\\ +41 days, 3 hours, 1 minute + +Lagrange---Castor transmission delay:\\ +42 days, 2 hours, 31 minutes + +Lagrange---Artemis transmission delay:\\ +43 days, 6 hours, 55 minutes +\end{quote} + +Hi all. + +I hope you've been doing well of late. + +It's been heartening watching everyone reconnect over the last year, if I'm honest. I know I say it just about every time I write, but I've been worried. You've all mentioned in the past feeling like I'm someone grounding that you can talk to, and\ldots well, I hope this isn't weird of me to say, but I've been feeling protective of you all in turn. It's not quite the realm of parenthood or anything like that, but it does kind of feel like I'm watching over the clade, in a way. I don't know if it's a root instance thing, a shared past thing, or a me-as-I-am-now thing. + +It's probably the last. + +I think it's high time to admit aloud that all of these memories of Rareș are starting to pile up for me, and at least some of this protectiveness stems from those memories of him after mom and dad's death. I've been struggling to keep my mind off him, honestly. There have been a few abortive attempts at pulling the thoughts together into a book or play or something, just as a way to process my feelings. + +The thing is, if I want to be successful at something like that, I'll have to actually sit down and research the past. That's where I've been failing. I know it's something I'd need to do if I'm to do any project like that justice, and probably something I need to do if I'm to find any sort of peace, but there's some emotional block. Lately, every time I get close to engaging with the topic head on, I have a panic attack. Honest to goodness, full blown, hyperventilating-and-feeling-like-I'm-dying panic attack. + +It's something I've been working on a lot with Sarah since it's rather upsetting all around. I certainly don't like the feeling, but neither do May or Sasha like seeing that happen. + +I know you know more about this than I do, \#Pollux, but please let me work on this myself. + +Anyway, that's only part of why I'm writing. The way that this topic has affected me has led to a series of conversations between May and I around the interplay of immortality and relationships. I know I won't do the topic justice, so she's written up some of her thoughts, which I'm including here. + +\begin{quote} +One unintended consequence of immortality is not just that memories of relationships pile up, but the \emph{way} in which they pile up. We do not simply remember lost loves with fondness, but also with caution. + +It sounds counter-intuitive, does it not? We might expect that our everlasting lives might add in some more cavalier attitude toward the relationships that we form. This has not borne out over the centuries. We do not find ourselves trying ever newer things in the ways in which we form relationships; perhaps some do, but neither of our clades do. We keep our lives as a whole interesting, but we constantly refine our relationships. + +The Ode speaks of honing and forging, and so many of those who have uploaded and sought out entanglement have found themselves honing rather than forging. It is a search for a more perfect love. We speak constantly of ``learning from our mistakes'' and ``doing better by them/ourselves''. + +This is no bad thing! We do this out of a desire to be better people in the ways in which we engage with those with whom we are closest. These just happen to be the ways most likely to hurt others, too. We shy away from trying new things with our relationships because that puts our view of ourselves as good people at risk should they go wrong. + +And so we look back on the relationships that we have formed, kept, lost, or let slip away into so many years, and we remember the good times cautiously. We hunt for the things that went wrong, we see all of the places where we fucked up and we tear them apart as one might a hole in a piece of clothing: thread by thread. We idly pull a thread, inspect it, and hunt for the weak point that led to the hole forming in the first place. We think back on arguments and hunt for where we could have kept it from blossoming into a fight. We think back on missed expectations and wonder what we might have said. We think back on crossed boundaries and hunt for a sign pointing to the boundary that we simply overlooked. + +It is a fool's errand and we are dumber than a bag of rocks for doing that, and yet we keep on doing so. It is so incredibly difficult to stop, is it not? + +And yet, as the Ode goes on to say, ``To forge is to end, and to own beginnings. To hone is to trade ends for perpetual perfection.'' That perfection, it says, is ``Perfecting singular arts to a cruel point.'' + +The Ode is just a poem, it is no holy text — what was it Emerson said? The poet nails a symbol to a sense that was true for a moment but soon becomes false, while the mystic mistakes the singular for the universal?\footnote{This one took some digging. It's from his essay ``The Poet'': ``Here is the difference betwixt the poet and the mystic, that the last nails a symbol to one sense, which was a true sense for a moment, but soon becomes old and false. For all symbols are fluxional {[}\ldots{]} Mysticism consists in the mistake of an accidental and individual symbol for a universal one.'' Where do they even find this stuff?} — but every poem is open to interpretation and analysis. The author of the Ode was not wrong. We shy away from those ends that hurt and any beginnings that might follow in favor of our dreams of perpetual perfection. + +This applies just as readily to familial relationships as it does to romantic ones. Ioan and I do this in our relationship just as much as ey does this when ey remembers Rareș and every single Odist does when thinking about the poet. Our immortality gifts us the ability to do this to an uncomfortably endless degree. + +I will quote Sasha's gentle warning here with her permission: ``The danger in ceaseless memorialization is how close it lies to idolatry. To elevate the dead to such a status is to ceaselessly perfect the imperfectable.'' + +Ends happen. There may yet come a day when Ioan and I decide to go our separate ways. We know that it will hurt, and it is easy to focus only on that and hone and hone and hone. That is not all we can do, though; we can also hope that it will be with love, that we will go our own ways and own what beginnings may yet be in front of us. +\end{quote} + +She's right. Of course she is, I mean. Not only does she have more experience than literally any of us in this matter, but for more than two centuries, it has been a daily focus of hers. I have to catch myself from endlessly focusing on things I could have done better. Could I have stayed in touch with him? Should I have encouraged him to upload? Worrying about these things is the fool's errand she describes. + +These are just things that have been on my mind, by the way, I don't mean this as any sort of admonishment with how any of you are tackling the issues that have taken up the greater part of our worries the last few years. We're just doing the best we can with what we have, and what we have isn't always the healthiest when it comes to coping mechanisms. + +Anyway, beyond that, things are going well. \emph{I\&R}'s release last month seems to have gone over well enough. I imagine that's due in no small part to the preparation that Jonas and the rest of the eighth stanza have put into ensuring it lands as they'd wish. It has yet again come off as ``just slightly too fantastical to be real, but sure makes a good story'', much as \emph{Perils} and the \emph{History} did. Ah well. I'm still proud of it, and I'm not unhappy with where we've wound up. + +Aurel's off with Sasha now, and has been for a few months. For a while there, her periods of solitude were coming pretty often, and ey was popping in and out of existence with some frequency, but she seems to be settling down into a more predictable pattern. It's my hope that ey'll eventually be able to spend a year or so at a time with her, if not longer. + +She's been doing well, too. I think she's really starting to come into her own as Sasha. Always in threes, but still always Sasha. She's been getting a bit grumpy about the whole spotted skunk thing, though, and I think that, before long, she'll see if she can find a way to go back to her stripes. She keeps complaining about the shorter tail and relative lack of fluff. Aurel's been teasing her by calling it cute, eliciting the usual threats of biting. + +She's just about wrapped up her work on the companion volume to the \emph{History}, which she's tentatively calling simply \emph{Ode}. I've had a chance to read it and\ldots well, I'll let her share it when she's ready. It will take a lot of work for it to have the effect she plans, and the consequences will be far-reaching for the Ode clade. She says she won't publish it for another decade or so for reasons which will become clear when you have the chance to read it. In the interim, she's mentioned a few other writing projects she'd like to tackle and release first, all of which sound good. + +Debarre's back with E.W., which is good to see, and given the fact that we're now plopped right in the middle of a forest sim, they've come over to visit and camp a few times. Or, well, Debarre will come stay with us for most of the day while E.W. and Sasha go off and explore, and then they'll meet back up around dinner when Sasha returns to Aurel. Debarre's loosened up some, but I don't think he'll ever be totally comfortable with Sasha, which she seems to have accepted. + +It's getting on bed time and May's whining at me most pitifully, so I'm going to go ahead and get this sent off before I ramble any more. + +We all send our love to you and yours, and hope the universe is treating you well. + +Ioan Bălan diff --git a/mitzvot/content/letters/old/019.tex b/mitzvot/content/letters/old/019.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..32fe992 --- /dev/null +++ b/mitzvot/content/letters/old/019.tex @@ -0,0 +1,42 @@ +\hypertarget{sorina-bux103lan-the-bux103lan-clade}{% +\subsection{Sorina Bălan — The Bălan clade}\label{sorina-bux103lan-the-bux103lan-clade}} + +\begin{quote} +\itshape +systime 230 (2354) + +Artemis---Castor transmission delay:\\ +2 days, 2 hours, 14 minutes + +Artemis---Lagrange transmission delay:\\ +43 days, 6 hours, 41 minutes + +Artemis---Pollux transmission delay:\\ +85 days, 9 hours, 11 minutes +\end{quote} + +All, + +Thank you all so much for the birthday wishes. I was caught off guard when I first received Codrin\#Castor's. Clearly I've forgotten to keep track of the non-Artemisian dates. It felt a little silly, too, getting a birthday greeting from someone I used to be, but then, we've diverged plenty by now. That, and it reminded me a little of my place in the whole grand scheme of things. I was born back on \emph{Earth!} Almost \emph{150 years ago!} It's staggering, the scale of all of this. Billions of kilometers, decades and decades, it's enough to make one feel insignificant, and yet I'm still significant to someone out there. + +Of course, that meant I got Ioan's a few weeks later, and then Codrin\#Pollux's a few weeks after that. It was a delightful set of letters, and the pictures you each sent along are all wonderful. I'm glad to see they got at least still images working across all three Systems now. Are they still worried about bandwidth for audio and video? + +It's fascinating seeing the ways in which you've all changed, and how that differs from my memories and imaginings. Ioan's as calm and pleasant as I remember, but somehow more\ldots I don't know, attentive? Present? I don't know quite how to put it. My memories are of being all caught up in my internal life and somewhat distant from those around me, whereas ey seems to have come down out of eir head. + +And all of your partners! Goodness! May Then My Name looks as adorable as ever, and I was pleased to see both instances of Dear looking appropriately smug, though even it has diverged, both from my memories of it and the two instances from each other. I remember it being a slight critter, and Dear\#Castor is still quite slender, though not nearly so waifish as in my memories, but Dear\#Pollux has filled out a bit. It looks good! + +I'm not really sure what I was expecting about Sasha. All I'd really pictured was someone looking essentially like May Then My Name but spotted. I guess I was picturing spots like one might see on a leopard, though of course that wouldn't make sense with such long fur. She looks very pretty, though, and certainly very content with Aurel! The Odists all seem to wear their emotions on their sleeves, don't they? I'll admit that seeing May Then My Name looking so happy with someone with so much of True Name in her life — holding paws, no less! — is still a little surprising, but I'm pleased all the same. + +Life here continues much as it has. I've fallen into a steady routine that doesn't feel all that different from the one I had before Dear's introduction\ldots God, was it really almost fifty years ago? I've built myself a sim that's sort of like a comfortable mix between Serene's prairie and Ioan's house. The house itself is comfortable and familiar, and the prairie gives me room to walk and just enjoy the wide open spaces that I remember. + +The days are much the same, too. I spend my time writing and working on this or that — though rather than research projects, I'm working with individuals. I drink more coffee than I ought, eat simply, sleep in silence. Once I found the rhythm again, it was easy to slip back into that life, and for that, it's all the more comfortable, especially in what might otherwise be an overwhelmingly strange place. + +I've attached a picture from a recent get-together of the emissaries. We all get dinner\footnote{Well, all but the firstracers, of course.} on the anniversary of the convergence, and since the tech is all there now, we figured we'd get a picture to send back for everyone's enjoyment and also any additions to the \emph{History} that might be forthcoming, whether by the Bălans or someone else. We all raised a toast to True Name and Answers Will Not Help. Perhaps those on Castor will be able to get a similar picture with them included, even if Iska won't be present. + +Since I didn't think to do so in time, happy belated birthday, all of you. + +All my love to you and yours. + +Sorina Bălan + +32 ov-ularaeäl, 4783 Artemis Reckoning diff --git a/mitzvot/content/letters/old/020.tex b/mitzvot/content/letters/old/020.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..8a53ebb --- /dev/null +++ b/mitzvot/content/letters/old/020.tex @@ -0,0 +1,6 @@ +\hypertarget{codrin-bux103lanpollux-the-bux103lan-clade}{% +\subsection{Codrin Bălan\#Pollux — The Bălan clade}\label{codrin-bux103lanpollux-the-bux103lan-clade}} + +\begin{quote} +systime 231 (2354) (transmission delays) +\end{quote} diff --git a/mitzvot/content/letters/021.tex b/mitzvot/content/letters/old/021.tex similarity index 100% rename from mitzvot/content/letters/021.tex rename to mitzvot/content/letters/old/021.tex diff --git a/mitzvot/content/001.tex b/mitzvot/content/old/001.tex similarity index 100% rename from mitzvot/content/001.tex rename to mitzvot/content/old/001.tex diff --git a/mitzvot/content/002-illust.tex b/mitzvot/content/old/002-illust.tex similarity index 100% rename from mitzvot/content/002-illust.tex rename to mitzvot/content/old/002-illust.tex diff --git a/mitzvot/content/002.tex b/mitzvot/content/old/002.tex similarity index 100% rename from mitzvot/content/002.tex rename to mitzvot/content/old/002.tex diff --git a/mitzvot/content/old/003.tex b/mitzvot/content/old/003.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..5e176ae --- /dev/null +++ b/mitzvot/content/old/003.tex @@ -0,0 +1,183 @@ +\begin{center}\rule{0.5\linewidth}{0.5pt}\end{center} + +Ioan pulled together a stack of eir notes and, with a little concentration and a gesture, moved them over to a once-blank notebook, the pages now filled with eir scratchy shorthand. To this was added one of eir nicer pens, clipped to the cover, and a few slips of foolscap besides. + +Tucking those under eir arm, ey walked over to May's desk and bent down to give the skunk a kiss atop her head, right between her ears. ``I'm heading out. No messing with my pens, okay?'' + +Rather than the usual `do not die' joke, she turned on her stool, looped her arms up around eir shoulders, and pressed her nose to eirs. ``You will be okay, yes?'' + +Ey hesitated. Something about her tone pointed more towards anxiety than simple seriousness. Ey leaned forward to set eir notebook down, tugged up on eir slacks, and settled to eir knees in front of her. ``Of course, May. Will you?'' + +``I will be fine,'' she said, smiling. ``I am just a little worried today, is all.'' + +``Any particular reason why?'' + +``I just am. I am trying to build trust, but\ldots{}'' She shrugged. + +``Want me to leave a fork behind?'' + +``Will they be intolerable and antsy?'' + +Ey laughed. ``Depends on how much pestering you do.'' + +She lifted her snout enough to lick eir nose-tip, then shoved at em playfully. ``I am busy, my dear.'' + +``You fork more than anyone I know, you could just--'' + +``I am trying to tell you to get out of here, Ioan,'' she said, grinning in earnest. ``Do not mind a little bit of anxiety. I am sorry that that spilled over. I will think on it and we will talk later. Good luck, have fun, and do not die, okay?'' + +Ey shook eir head and stood again, grabbing eir notebook. ``Skunks. I swear\ldots{}'' + +Ey stepped out of the sim before she could kick eir shin. + +Ey ordered eir usual coffee and staked out eir usual spot on the couch. Rather than getting to work while ey waited for True Name, ey simply sat and enjoyed eir coffee as best ey could, staring off into nothing while mulling over May's words. + +\emph{You will be okay, yes?} + +Ey frowned and shifted eir gaze down to eir coffee, half gone by now. There were relatively few things that would bring about such anxiety in May, and ey knew the majority of them stemmed from within herself. + +She had occasionally gotten upset at em, usually when ey'd not picked up on some cue that she'd given for some emotional need ey wasn't meeting. In each case, she would express as best she could after the initial burst of anxiety. Her down-tree instance was another source, though that hatred she'd borne for so long had softened to something more like distaste of late. + +All of the other times, though, had come from within. Whatever dire emotions that dwelt beneath the chipper, goofy, sarcastic, and delightfully earnest layer that made up the most of her would peek through and a little spark of something more profound and inexplicable would come over her. + +Ey frowned down to eir coffee and considered whether ey should start laying in supplies in case she asked em to leave should waves of uncontrollable emotion take her, that `overflowing' that seemed to affect most—if not all—of the clade. If this was the first sign, though, ey at least had some time yet. + +``Mx. Bălan?'' + +Ey jolted and sat upright. True Name stood on the other side of the low table from em, not yet having made the move to sit. ``Sorry, True Name.'' + +She smiled kindly and bowed. ``May I join you? You looked quite deep in thought, and I am happy to meet up at another time.'' + +Returning the bow apologetically, ey gestured toward her usual spot on the couch. ``No, no. Sorry, I was a bit stuck up in my head. Could probably do with getting out more often.'' + +The skunk nodded and sat, blinking a cone of silence into being. She lapped at a bit of the whipped cream atop her mocha to get down to the drink. ``I quite understand. Bit too cooped up of late?'' + +``A little, I guess. Heads down, maybe. End of the year performances, helping May write a monologue, working on my own next project.'' + +She grinned. ``Plenty on your plate, then. May I ask how May Then My Name is doing?'' + +``Oh, she's alright.'' + +Ey must have hesitated before responding or not kept eir own anxiety out of eir voice, as True Name's expression fell. ``Say hi for me?'' + +Ey nodded. ``Of course.'' + +``I am also curious to hear about her monologue. It is something I remember thinking about occasionally and yet never got around to doing. I am pleased that one of us is.'' + +That also felt like a closed topic given its context of being purpose-built, so ey shook eir head. ``I'm not comfortable talking about that without her permission. Sorry, True Name.'' + +She smiled disarmingly and held up her free paw. ``Of course, Ioan, no trouble. Can you tell me about your own project, perhaps?'' + +Ey opened eir mouth, closed it again, then laughed. ``I feel like I laid a bunch of conversational landmines around me. Hopefully it's not uncomfortable, but with all that went down on Castor, I've been toying with rewriting \emph{On the Perils of Memory} as a play.'' + +The skunk got a strange look on her face, then laughed. ``Oh really? Cheeky! I do not know if I will be able to make it to a performance, but I will be delighted to read the script, if you wind up publishing it.'' + +Ey laughed as well, more relieved than anything. ``I'll make sure you get a copy, then. Was worried you'd be upset by it.'' + +She waved her paw dismissively. ``Of course not, my dear. That whole kerfuffle was, what, forty years ago? Forty-five? It has been comfortably relegated to memory and is thus fair game for artists.'' + +Nodding, ey finished eir coffee and set the cup down on the table so ey could pull out eir notebook and get to writing. + +Ey worked for a few minutes. They both did, if True Name's thoughtful gaze up into nothing was anything to go by. Ey'd wound eir way past all those conversational mines—May, her monologue, the play about Qoheleth—and now felt free to relax into the afternoon. + +``You know,'' the skunk said thoughtfully, bringing em out of eir writing. ``I was quite pleased when that book came out.'' + +``What, \emph{Perils}?'' + +She nodded. ``It was something of a relief in a strange, roundabout way. While I would have preferred that it had not ended the way it did, it wound up being a pretty efficient way to bring all of that to the surface. A lot of very smart people have been thinking about it over the last few decades, and I am pleased to see some progress being made, especially on the therapeutic side.'' + +Ioan tilted eir head thoughtfully. ``Sounds like, yeah. At least, from what I hear from May and Codrin. A Finger Pointing has been pretty tight-lipped about her own therapy and I don't think End Waking went along with it.'' + +``He does not seem the type, no.'' + +``Is it working out well for you, too?'' + +``Well enough,'' she said. ``Though I am not comfortable discussing beyond that.'' + +Ey nodded. ``Right, sorry.'' + +``It is alright. Thank you for understanding.'' She raised her cup towards em in a small toast. ``As to your book, however, I found it most interesting in that I was able to learn much about the assessment and impact of the events on the\ldots ah, liberal side of the clade.'' + +Ioan had to focus on keeping eir expression neutral. True Name hadn't always had the kindest of words for the self-proclaimed liberal Odists. ``I'll admit, I was worried as to how the book would go over with the conservatives.'' + +``There were no assassins in the night, I trust?'' she asked, grinning. + +``Uh\ldots well, no,'' ey stammered, caught off guard by the humor. ``Actually, no contact at all. I don't think I've even talked about what happened with the other side of the clade until now.'' + +``\,`The other side of the clade' is a more appropriate phrase, is it not? We are spread along a spectrum. Those like Dear, May Then My Name, and Hammered Silver at one end, those such as Praiseworthy, Those Who Forge, and Teeth Of Death somewhere in the middle, and then me and my ilk on the other. Death Itself and her stanza, out of all of us, seemed to have escaped that spectrum.'' The skunk finished her drink sitting in a silence for a minute, an acknowledgement of the losses from that stanza, then leaned forward to set her cup down before continuing. ``To soothe any fears you may have, it was not me who hired Guōweī, nor am I pleased with what happened and how.'' + +``Who did? Do you know?'' + +She smiled pityingly at em. ``Ioan, please.'' + +``Right, of course you do. I don't imagine you feel comfortable telling me who, though.'' + +``It is not a matter of comfort, my dear, it is one of information hygiene. The fewer people who know, the less of a chance there is of plans going awry. Besides,'' she nodded toward em. ``We considered the impact that \emph{Perils} would have on the System, and leaving that element of mystery in it accomplished our goals.'' + +``Goals?'' Ey shook eir head. ``How do you mean?'' + +The skunk folded her paws in her lap, leaning back against the couch. ``What would you say the current public opinion is of the book?'' + +``I\ldots well, hmm. If you'd asked me that a few weeks ago, I wouldn't have been able to say, but I've been digging back into it for this project. I guess most seem to see it as a sort of cautionary tale. I didn't publish the internal report, so I think the fact that it read like investigative journalism made people treat it almost like a work of fiction.'' + +``Yes, and mystery plays a role in that. This is why we suggested you not publish the clade-side report. There is an appropriate level of mystery in what you did publish that aligned with our goals.'' + +``So, similar to what you and Jonas did with the \emph{History}.'' + +There was the briefest flicker of a wince on the skunk's face at the mention of Jonas, quickly mastered. She replaced it with a smile and gave a hint of a bow. ``Yes. In a relatively short time, both have started to fade into a near mythical status. A credit to your skills as a writer, Mx. Bălan.'' + +Ey smiled warily. ``Thanks. Why, though?'' + +``Why are they becoming myths?'' She shrugged. ``Life on the System is shaped by the modes of our existence. Creativity has assumed a level of primacy that was not feasible phys-side, and so successful creative works accelerate more quickly toward myth, here.'' + +Ey nodded. ``And you? What do you think of it?'' + +``Of \emph{Perils}?'' + +``That, the possible play, the events as a whole.'' + +There was a moment of quiet as the skunk thought, brushing a paw over one of her knees to smooth out her slacks. ``With the understanding that there is much that I cannot tell you about my feelings on the proceedings, I found it all frustrating and unnerving. I worked with Qoheleth on several occasions throughout the years, and watching his\ldots I will not say decline, as I think the analogy does not hold, but his metamorphosis from Odist to Qoheleth touched on some primal distress. As I have said, I am not pleased with what happened or how. I liked him quite a bit.'' + +This seemed to deserve another moment of silence, one of acknowledgement rather than thoughtfulness, and so ey let it play out, the muffled clatter of the rest of the cafe coming through the cone of silence suddenly much more present. + +``What news from Castor had you thinking about \emph{Perils}?'' + +``I'm sorry?'' + +``Well, I do not associate aliens or time modification or the\ldots ah, struggles that Answers Will Not Help experienced with what happened with Qoheleth.'' + +Eir mind raced. How could ey possibly bring up the Name? That Codrin now knew it and that knowledge—at least at one layer of remove—had propagated through the clade? Surely she knew that, at least, but how could ey say that out loud to her? + +``Mx. Bălan?'' True Name was frowning, whether at eir silence or expression ey couldn't guess. ``I am guessing that the answer is complicated.'' + +``It\ldots uh, yeah. What Codrin heard on Artemis\ldots I mean\ldots{}'' + +The skunk tilted her head, gestured for em to continue. + +\emph{Doesn't she know?} ey thought. \emph{She has to. Is she faking it?} + +``Well,'' ey stammered, hastily backtracking through eir train of thought. Perhaps ey should feign ignorance as well if that was indeed what she was doing. ``All that about getting lost, and how fourthrace experienced similar and also dealt with long-term effects.'' + +Still frowning, she nodded. + +``It was all bound up in some clade-eyes-only thoughts,'' ey hastened to add, hoping that the slight untruth would be enough. ``Eir worries about Dear, Death Itself\ldots but I don't want to say any more.'' + +That seemed to have been enough, as the tenseness that had been building in her shoulders relaxed, though her frown remained. ``Of course, yes, I did not mean to press. My apologies.'' + +Ey shook eir head and waved a hand. ``It's okay, I just had to disentangle all those thoughts really quickly.'' + +``You are a very thoughtful person,'' she said, a hint of a smile creeping back onto her muzzle. ``In the common sense as well as in the sense that you seem to be at all times full of thoughts.'' + +``I lost track of the number of times May's accused me of living up in my head a long time ago, yeah.'' + +``There is no harm in it, my dear. It serves you well.'' She settled back against the couch once more and sighed. ``Pleasant as it has been, I have spent more time talking than intended. I would like to get a bit of work done before I lose track of the threads, if that is alright.'' + +Ey smiled and nodded. ``Of course, True Name.'' + +As the skunk's focus drifted away, ey opened eir notebook again and stared at what ey'd written already. The words were marks on the page, ey could tell, but eir mind was so wrapped up in the conversation that ey wasn't able to make sense of them. Too much had gone on in too short a timespan. All that talk of Qoheleth, of the conservatives' opinions of the events, or at least of True Name's. + +She'd been so candid about it all, just as she'd been growing more candid with em in general over the last few years. She had all the reason in the world to use her centuries of skills intentionally, though. Ey'd never met anyone so tightly in control of themself as her. Perhaps even now, dozens, hundreds of sensorium messages were flying across her stanza preparing a soft landing for eir play in light of the fact that others now knew the Name. + +And yet\ldots{} + +And yet ey couldn't stop emself from thinking, \emph{Holy shit, I don't think she knows.} diff --git a/mitzvot/content/old/004.tex b/mitzvot/content/old/004.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..93f6047 --- /dev/null +++ b/mitzvot/content/old/004.tex @@ -0,0 +1,237 @@ +\begin{center}\rule{0.5\linewidth}{0.5pt}\end{center} + +Ioan half lay, half slouched against the headboard with May draped bonelessly up along eir front. She'd gotten up to make them both coffee to drink in bed, then proceeded to doze off again, using eir chest as a pillow and the rest of em as a mattress. + +Ey, meanwhile, had made it through most of eir coffee, resting the cup between the skunk's shoulder blades between sips. It was technically Christmas, though neither of them cared much for the holiday. Michelle Hadje had been raised vaguely Jewish and Ioan the particular blend of spiritual humanism that pervaded Eastern Europe at the time, but both had been well-steeped in the broader secular Christian culture of the West. That meant it was the day for the \emph{tocană} and \emph{mămăligă} that had become tradition for them. Ey hadn't learned to cook much prior to uploading—just a few simple dishes for a poor student—and it wasn't until ey had wound up on the System in eir current sim that ey'd gone back to teach emself all the things ey'd loved growing up. + +It promised to be a lazy sort of day otherwise, which felt necessary. May's spike of anxiety when ey'd gone out for eir meeting with True Name a few days prior had quickly tapered off, but it had not simply gone away. The days that followed had included a lot of asking em if ey was okay and taking breaks to sit and look out the picture windows, lost in thought. + +Still, last night had been delightful, with the skunk far more relaxed while they cooked—or tried to cook—shitty fast food for each other. After dinner, they moved to the couch with Ioan resting eir head in May's lap so that she could tease her fingers through eir thick hair while they hummed silly little songs to each other. + +Today promised to be equally comfortable. + +Ey frowned when ey lifted eir mug, only to find it empty. Equally comfortable but for that, ey supposed. + +``I'm going to drink your coffee, May.'' + +``If you do, I will pin you down and pluck your eyebrows bald,'' she mumbled, slowly lifting her head and reaching out toward her mug on the nightstand. + +``That's a new one. Sounds painful.'' + +``Add it to the list,'' she said after she was able to get at least a few sips in. + +``One day, they're going to find my body, clearly smothered to death, my eyebrows fully plucked, sand in my shoes, cracker crumbs in my bed, all of my pens un-capped, all of my book pages dog-eared, with skunk fur in all the food,'' ey said, laughing. ``I'm pretty sure they'll know it was you.'' + +She lifted her chin to park it on eir shoulder. ``Mm, well, it is a risk I am willing to take.'' + +Ey tilted eir head to give the top of her own a kiss. An awkward affair, but worth it. ``You stay up too late again?'' + +She shrugged. + +``Well, you're a pretty cozy blanket, if a little too warm, so I guess I'll allow it.'' + +Lifting her snout, she licked at eir shoulder, getting a laugh out of em. ``Whereas you, my dear, are not a very good pillow. Just chock full of bones.'' + +``I need those to live.'' + +``Lame,'' she drawled. After a moment, she added thoughtfully, ``I am glad that you have skin, though. It would be quite disgusting without.'' + +``Eugh. As am I.'' Ey leaned over to grab her coffee cup and steal a sip, threats be damned. ``I'm still surprised you didn't wind up with another furry, though. Figured that would be more your style.'' + +``I wind up with people that I like, whether they have fur or not.'' She shrugged. ``Which is not to say that I have not wound up with other furries.'' + +``I'm not complaining. You're soft.'' + +``To be fair, that is what I like about you having skin. Skin is soft as well. Were you a furry, though, what species would you be?'' + +Ey pet along her back, thinking. ``I don't know. I've only really had extensive interactions with skunks, foxes, and weasels. Maybe a squirrel?'' + +She rolled off eir front and sat up eagerly. ``A squirrel? Really? Would you be one of those fancy red ones with the ear tufts and outrageous tails or one of the gray ones that were all over where I grew up?'' + +A quick query of the perisystem archive gave em a good idea of what each might look like. ``The red ones sound really ostentatious. I don't know if I could pull that off.'' + +She retrieved her coffee mug from em and settled in beside em instead. ``Yes, but the \emph{tail,}'' she whined. ``Come on, my dear. You would simply \emph{have} to be a red squirrel. You dress all fancy, even!'' + +``Are they bigger than skunk tails?'' + +She looked thoughtful for a moment, then shrugged. ``Solid competition.'' + +``I can't picture anything having a bigger tail than you, May. Definitely outrageous.'' + +``I thought you liked my tail.'' + +``I do!'' + +``Excellent, I shall allow you to live another day.'' She laughed and dotted her nose against eir cheek. ``I had considered becoming a panther for some time, but I am too attached to my tail.'' + +``Or you it is to you.'' + +She laughed. + +``You know, I've always wondered,'' ey said, getting an arm around her. ``Why did the most political stanza of the clade stay skunks? Wouldn't it be more effective to be humans? It's not like the majority of folks on the Systems are furries.'' + +``Only three of the ten are skunks anymore, and you have met all three. Besides, I think End Waking is the only one of the three of us who has not spent time in human form. Some of me in other relationships were—or perhaps are—humans. I spent six months with you in that form, even, remember?'' + +Ey nodded. ``It was pretty weird.'' + +``For both of us, yes. I like being what I am. Short, soft, furry, chubby,'' she said, poking at her belly. ``It is just that these are all things that are disarming to a great many people. Even skunks, despite their reputation for smelling bad, are often seen as bumbling, stupid creatures.'' + +``I wouldn't call you stupid, May. Bumbling, though\ldots{}'' + +She rolled her eyes. ``Thank you, I think? But yes, even bumbling is a calculated gesture to be inoffensive.'' + +``End Waking said similar.'' Ey dug through eir exocortices until ey came up with the memory of the conversation, ``He said it was a matter of intent.'' + +``It is, yes. I am sure that some of the wider clade who remain skunks do so without a second thought, but that is not how True Name worked, and so it is not how we work.'' + +``And she did that for the same reasons? To be inoffensive?'' + +She nodded. ``In a way. At first, she could not be anything but, as that is how she was forked, but she kept it because of the way the Council worked. She was a skunk, Debarre was a weasel, Ezekiel spent half the time looking like a shambling pile of dirty rags and the other half like an unhoused man, and user11824 looked like the least remarkable person possible, as though your eyes simply slid right off of him. The ethos of the Council was to be just ordinary people who were weird before uploading and remained weird after.'' + +``Jonas wasn't that weird when I met him.'' + +She made a sour face. ``But everything that he did was intentional. Every aspect of his appearance and personality.'' + +Ey nodded. + +``But I think True Name kept it after the Council disbanded for much the same reasons. She is a furry because there are plenty of furries on the System. She remains in her early thirties because that is what one expects out of those on the System. She is not unattractive among furries, maintaining that soft figure and well kept appearance without heading towards sex-symbol because that is what many on the System wind up doing. She is professional, I am cute, End Waking is the sad and introspective one, and so on.'' + +``Right, that makes sense.'' Ey hesitated, composing eir next words carefully. ``You talk about her quite a bit. I know that--'' + +``You asked, Ioan,'' she interrupted, frowning. + +``I know, May, I just mean in general. I know you're consciously working on how you feel about her and I keep bringing her up besides. Just an observation.'' + +The moment of tenseness lingered, then passed as she wilted against em, sighing. ``I know. I did not mean to get short with you. You are right, and I am not sure how I feel about that fact, that she is so often on my mind. My feelings remain complex.'' + +``Oh, I definitely get that.'' + +``You seem to enjoy her company more.'' + +Ey shrugged. ``I guess. It started out as a way to keep things smooth between our clades during the convergence, but now it's just a thing to do outside the house.'' + +``Coffee dates are good,'' she said, nodding. + +``I don't know if I'd call them dates. No romance, there.'' + +The skunk laughed and shook her head. ``Just an expression.'' + +``Oh, right.'' Ey shrugged. ``She's just like\ldots a coworker one is friends with. There are contexts that I enjoy her company in, but it's not like I'm inviting her over for the holidays.'' + +``Which is good,'' she said, grinning. ``I am sure that I will get to the point where she and I can coexist in the same space without either of us pulling each other's fur out, but sharing Christmas dinner with her would be far too much.'' + +Ey nodded and tightened eir arm around her, kissing between her ears. ``Same, I think. Thanks for reminding me, though. I should probably get up and get that started.'' + +They both slid out of the bed to complete their morning tasks: Ioan to make another pot of coffee and prepare breakfast while May went through her grooming routine, eating, then a shower for em while she worked on her monologue. + +The dinner itself wasn't exactly onerous. A stew of beef—ey'd been raised on a version with lamb, which May hadn't liked—tomatoes, and mushrooms in a garlicky, paprika-filled gravy served with polenta. Still, it benefited from a longer cooking time, so ey began that after eir shower and set it to \mbox{simmering}. + +After that, they set some music to playing—the overlap of what they both enjoyed wasn't large, given the more than a century's age difference, but piano jazz seemed to work for both of them—and set to work on whatever it was that was occupying their minds. + +Or tried to, at least. + +Their conversation this morning as well as eir meeting with True Name a few days prior left Ioan in mind of skunks and the Ode clade, and even though those both featured quite heavily in the stage adaptation of \emph{On the Perils of Memory}, nothing ey tried seemed quite in the right vein. + +Ey flipped to a blank sheet of paper and began a letter, instead. + +\begin{quote} +True Name, + +I hope all is well. + +After our conversation a few days ago, as well as another that I had with May this morning, I got to thinking about a pattern I've noticed, and wanted to ask you about it. I hope it's not too impertinent of me. If it's too sensitive a topic, I understand. + +I've noticed that you and May have a tendency to talk about each other quite a bit. I know that there are a lot of factors that go into this such as my relationships with each of you, your shared history, and the fact that I have a habit of asking each of you about the other in turn. + +All the same, I was wondering if you had any thoughts on the matter. I don't want to sound meddlesome (indeed, I don't think I'd even be capable of meddling with either of you), I just want to better understand each of you in turn, given the dynamics between us. + +I know it's not a huge deal for either of our clades, but all the same, Merry Christmas. + +Best, + +Ioan +\end{quote} + +Ey read through the letter top to bottom three times, then, with a brush of the hand and a bit of intent, sent it on its way. + +Doing eir best to forget about it until the other skunk responded, ey puttered around the house, checking on the stew, trying out a new ink in one of eir pens, and rehearsing some lines in a cone of silence. + +A bit more than two hours after ey'd sent the message, a reply spooled itself out of eir desk and into eir field of view. + +\begin{center} +\textbf{IOAN BĂLAN INDIVIDUAL-EYES-ONLY MATERIAL} +\end{center} + +\begin{quote} +Mx. Bălan, + +Thank you for your letter. Had we discussed this in person or over sensorium messages, I think that my responses would be quite different, but the intentionality that is required when engaging with writing forced me to think this through more clearly. + +You are correct in assuming that it is you being our shared connection rather than any direct link between the two of us that leads to each of us discussing the other with you frequently. I do not think that this is worth discounting, however, as many know of each other only through one mutual acquaintance and yet do not talk constantly of each other to that one one person between them. It is still notable that we discuss one another as much as we do. + +I have spent the last hour in discussion with myself while writing this, and would like this reply kept in confidence. + +Years ago, when the Artemisians first arrived, May Then My Name mentioned a letter that I had sent her regarding you. I am not normally in the habit of sharing the tools of my trade, such as they are, and sharing this with you in particular is uncomfortable. However you of all people—a friend and someone deeply entangled with the clade—deserve to have the chance to read it, and it may do well to explain where we have found ourselves. Here is that letter in full: + +\begin{quote} +May Then My Name Die With Me, + +I hope that you are doing well. I understand that there remains some concern about the outcome of your previous relationship, and I would like you to know that I am not so far diverged from our common ancestor that I do not share in some of those feelings. I remember how often I would come crying into the Crown, leaning on this shoulder or that as I tried to deal with yet another break-up. I know that I have not always been the kindest or most empathetic down-tree instance, for which I truly am sorry. You are, in many ways, a better version of me, and the completeness that you bring to our stanza ensures that, even if I am not a fully realized person as you have suggested in the past, we—whether that is you and I, our stanza, or the Odists as a whole—still do add up to something that is greater than the sum of its parts. You may not believe me, and for that I do not blame you, but I really do love you in my own way, May Then My Name. + +I do not know if you have been keeping up with many other stanzas after Qoheleth quit, but it appears that Dear, Also, The Tree That Was Felled has welcomed a new member to its relationship structure, one Codrin Bălan. I am sure that you recognize the clade name from \emph{On The Perils of Memory}. Codrin's down-tree instance, Ioan Bălan, was the amanuensis that Dear had chosen during that spate of trouble, and the series of events that followed led to a process of individuation. It is always exciting to see that happen, is it not? + +The reason that I bring this up is that Ioan has picked up as eir next project an investigative piece surrounding the launch project. Given your role as sys-side launch director, I thought that I would put you two in touch. Eir project would benefit greatly from your position as well as your history, both with the project and with our time on the System. I have had the chance to interact with both Ioan and Codrin in the past, and they are some of the most delightful, insightful people that I have met. Please look them up when you get a chance. + +All my best, + +The Only Time I Know My True Name Is When I Dream of the Ode clade + +systime 197+3 +\end{quote} + +That night, when she brought up this message, she mentioned that she believed me when I said that I love her in my own way. + +I understand the root of her feelings towards me and, as I also mentioned on that night, I do not begrudge her that. I will ever be what I am, and what that is does not mesh well with her view of the world, even as it is integral to my existence. + +Just as she said that she still believes me, it is also true that I still love her. Codrin reported that Why Ask Questions said, ``I have yet to meet a single person who has not fallen at least a little in love with May.'' There is perhaps a little bit of that involved in my own inescapably me way, but beyond that I love her as the version of me that I did not become. + +Were you to ask me at the time, or even just a year ago, I do not think that I would have admitted such aloud, but even as I suspect that she is working on her thoughts about me with Ms.~Genet, I have been working with Ms.~Genet on my ability to be truly earnest with those I respect, which includes you. + +I do not hold regrets for the path that has led us to this point. I have accomplished much that I set out to do, and, while the cost has been great when it comes to my interpersonal relationships (and, as you mentioned, my stress levels), it all very much still feels worth it. + +Consciously or not, I make it a point to ask you how she is doing and to engage with her at one degree of remove because this is still a way to maintain that level of connection with someone I could have been after so long a time of disconnect. + +Writing this has been both stressful and cathartic, so I appreciate having the chance to do so. While communications with my counterparts on Castor and Pollux have been somewhat scant of late, both of them have mentioned that they are striving to find situations in which they can be vulnerable and earnest. As I am sure you understand, this is still quite difficult for us. + +Let us meet up on Secession Day for our next coffee date. Is 11:00 amenable? It can be a small celebration of our own. + +I wish you and her both a delightful holiday. If you are comfortable bringing up the topic of me with her today and would like to get a laugh out of her, please say simply, ``Jingle Bells stage blocking.'' + +Sincerely, + +The Only Time I Know My True Name Is When I Dream of the Ode clade + +systime 225+359 +\end{quote} + +\begin{center} +\textbf{END IOAN BĂLAN INDIVIDUAL-EYES-ONLY MATERIAL} +\end{center} + +Ey read the letter through a few more times, trying to digest all that it contained, trying to square this with what May had said of True Name steering her subtly into eir life, trying once again not to read too deep and guess that True Name\#Castor simply hadn't told her about Codrin learning the Name. + +Finally, acknowledging that ey wouldn't be able to digest it all in one go, ey dashed off a quick reply thanking True Name for the letter and confirming the time of the next meeting. Then, ey committed the letter to a new exo ey tagged ``True Name--May 225'' and destroyed the physical copy. + +``May?'' ey said, dropping eir cone of silence. + +``Mm?'' + +``I was confirming a date with True Name and she said I should ask you about something called `Jingle Bells stage blocking'. Do you know--'' + +The skunk let out a melodramatic groan and slid off her stool to the floor, landing on her hands and knees before flopping onto her side, laughing. ``What a fucking brat.'' + +Ey stared at her, nonplussed. + +``Oh God, Ioan, you do not know pain until you work with choir kids.'' + +Ey laughed and shook eir head, leaning forward to ruffle over her ears. It was a much more pleasant response to a note from True Name than ey'd expected. ``You're right, I don't. I'll just have to trust you on that. Skunks are so weird.'' diff --git a/mitzvot/content/old/005.tex b/mitzvot/content/old/005.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..46e20c5 --- /dev/null +++ b/mitzvot/content/old/005.tex @@ -0,0 +1,135 @@ +\hypertarget{debarre-2350}{% +\chapter{Debarre — 2350}\label{debarre-2350}} +\markboth{Debarre — 2350}{} + +Debarre and Do I Know God After The End Waking stood, naked and frowning, on the granite that hung cantilevered above the pond that had dug itself into the forest floor beneath the falls. It wasn't a high drop, not enough to turn the stomach, but enough to keep them from simply jumping in. + +``And you're sure it's deep enough?'' + +``I am not, no,'' End Waking said, then let out a shout and leapt off the overhang out over the water. + +The weasel's frown deepened. No sounds of screaming below, at least. + +``Fuck it,'' he muttered, and stepped off the edge of the rock, arms folded over his chest, and plunged, feet first, into the water. + +The cold was enough to drive his breath from him. Even though there wasn't any snow this low down on the hillside, it was still cold out and even colder up-slope from whence the snow-melt came. He realized, too late, that another possibility for there not being any screaming from his boyfriend below was due to the frigid water. + +All the same, there was nothing beneath his feet for at least another meter as he sank below the surface. + +Thankful for small victories, he swam shakily for the surface, breaching the water with a shallow gasp and teeth already chattering. + +End Waking floated closer, treading water. The skunk's smile was wide, but his teeth were clenched shut in a clear attempt to slow the shivering. ``Pleasant day out, is it not?'' + +``F-fuck you,'' Debarre said, laughing breathlessly. ``I'm getting up to the fire ASAP.'' + +The skunk laughed, shoved at him weakly, and then swam for the shore, weasel in tow. + +They slicked the water off themselves as best they could while walking. Fluffy as he was, End Waking had the larger job of it, spending most of the rest of the short trek back up the hill to the fire he'd built squeezing water out of his tail fur. + +Once there, they parked a meter or so before the fire and huddled beneath his woolen cloak, held open toward the flames, soaking up as much warmth as they could. + +``That was fucking cold,'' Debarre said once he was able to speak without stammering. ``You're such an asshole, I can't believe I ever listen to you. Fine fucking way to ring in the new year.'' + +``Yes, well, I love you too,'' End Waking said, grinning. ``Thank you for joining me, and for your help today.'' + +They'd spent the afternoon building up a rammed earth wall for the skunk's new house, pulling sandy clay from the pile they'd brought up from the pond's shore the previous day, mixing in deer's blood as a binder before stacking it in a frame, and pounding it with logs sanded smooth and cut down to a diameter that fit comfortably in their paws. + +Part of the ramming process had involved carefully setting the chimney pipe for the wood stove between the layers of earth as they built up. This had seemed an unnecessarily fiddly process despite the admonitions that, if the pipe crumpled beneath the sand, clay, and blood while they pounded it, the wall wouldn't be sturdy and there might be gaps. As it was, after they built up the rest of the tent, they'd have to seal that spot with more bloody earth and a layer of pitch. + +It had left them both feeling worn out and dirty, and when Debarre said he was going to wash the sticky earth from his paws and fur, End Waking had suggested turning that into the icy plunge. + +The skunk had then built up the fire higher than usual, told Debarre that they'd need to do so nude as he shed his clothes by the fire so they'd stay dry, and then pulled him along to the rock overhang. + +Once their fronts were mostly dry, they turned out to face the waterfall and ravine, draping the cloak over their shoulders with their backs exposed to the fire, sitting in silence and leaning against each other, sharing warmth. + +``Why don't you build your camp here?'' + +``The river may overflow, and come spring, the fall will be quite loud.'' + +Debarre grinned, ``Don't need the white noise?'' + +``Not particularly, though I am more concerned about flooding. I already had a tree fall on me while I slept, you will surely remember, and I do not feel the need to be carried away on dirty waters so soon after.'' + +``Thanks for letting me back after that happened,'' he said, more quietly. ``And thanks for forking to fix your leg.'' + +``Of course, my dear. I do not know who else I would have called. And thank you for your patience during my solitude.'' + +Debarre nodded and slid an arm around the skunk's waist. ``I'm used to it by now. Besides, \#Tracker had a larger merge than usual to deal with.'' + +``That is what happens when I steal a version of you away and then aliens visit one of the LVs. I will accept half of the blame.'' He smiled, adding, ``Perhaps less than half. You had your own stuff going on.'' + +``Well, \#Tracker did.'' He snorted, shook his head. ``It's what I get for only part of me hanging around interesting people.'' + +``Am I so boring, my dear?'' + +He shook his head. ``No, just plain. Your life is pretty simple out here. \#Tracker is still all caught up on all the political stuff with user11824 and Yared.'' + +End Waking made a face. ``Gross.'' + +``They aren't \emph{that} bad,'' he said, laughing. + +``They are fine, I am sure,'' the skunk said. ``You may keep the political stuff, though.'' + +``I mean, that's why I'm out here. It's good to get away from all that bullshit.'' + +``Oh, so you are using me for a vacation, then?'' + +Debarre laughed and poked at End Waking's thigh. ``Where'd this sense of humor come from?'' + +``The audacity of weasels never ceases to amaze,'' he said. ``I have a sense of humor. The squirrels and I share our private jokes. I practice them before the fire.'' + +``Fucking weirdo,'' Debarre said, rolling his eyes. He tucked closer to the skunk all the same. + +That End Waking was so open to touch over the last few weeks was something he was keen to take advantage of. Neither of them were necessarily the cuddly type, and most of the time, he was happy with the level of physical contact he got from the skunk, just as he was with the partners his other forks had settled down with. Still, it was nice every once and a while. A bit of touch to keep him grounded. It tended to happen when their relationship picked up again, after both of them had spent months or years apart, each living their separate, more cerebral lives. + +Before long, however, they set the cloak aside to get dressed, and Debarre watched as End Waking prepped a sizeable hare and pushed it onto a cast-iron spit and set it over the fire, a tilted pan beneath it catching the drippings. + +They dined on the hare and squash roasted in the fat, both pungent with thyme. They stayed up until it was well and truly dark, chatting. + +Worn out as they were, though, they didn't last much longer, eventually retreating to the makeshift tent that End Waking had set up using the patched fabric that had been his previous shelter strung over a rope and draped over his recovered cot. Narrow as it was, they had to huddle close—the only time the skunk was consistently okay with close physical contact and intimacy—sharing each others' warmth beneath the cloak and a few blankets besides. + +``E.W.?'' + +``I like it when you call me that.'' + +``I'm a sucker for nicknames,'' he said, tucking himself back against him. + +``That you are.'' He rested his snout over Debarre's shoulder. ``What were you going to say, my love?'' + +``I\ldots well, all these little changes are coming to the System. The ACL changes, the cones of silence\ldots{}'' + +``I do not use those.'' + +``Well, but you never leave here and you gave up on all the politics.'' + +``This is by design.'' + +Debarre laughed, shaking his head. ``I'm just worried about so many changes in so short a time.'' + +``How so?'' + +``I dunno,'' Debarre mumbled. ``I just think there's a lot of subtle things—more like the little stuff May Then My Name talks about—and I'm worried those will break or disappear.'' + +End Waking hummed thoughtfully. ``They have survived Secession and Launch.'' + +``Yeah, but those were political things, right? Not technological things.'' + +``You are worried external engineers will tamper?'' + +He nodded. + +``I do not know that they have a good enough understanding of the subtleties to do so. The System is greater than the sum of its component parts.'' + +``Well, maybe not intentionally changing things. Just knock on effects, maybe.'' \emph{Or maybe internal politics encouraging changes,} he added mentally. + +``I imagine they will be careful, even around the subtle things.'' + +They lay silent for a while, Debarre thinking and, if the slow slackening of his arm around his chest was any indication, End Waking slowly falling asleep. + +``E.W.?'' he whispered. + +``Mm?'' A sleepy reply. + +``Do you still feel em? Like, at night sometimes. Like a dream or something.'' + +There was a long, long silence before the skunk replied. ``Sleep, my love. There is work to do in the morning. Sleep, and dream beautiful dreams.'' diff --git a/mitzvot/content/old/006.tex b/mitzvot/content/old/006.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6feccec --- /dev/null +++ b/mitzvot/content/old/006.tex @@ -0,0 +1,137 @@ +\begin{center}\rule{0.5\linewidth}{0.5pt}\end{center} + +As usual, Debarre woke alone. End Waking would doubtless be somewhere in the woods, checking snare traps or walking or simply sitting on a rock thinking, having slipped away at first light, quietly and carefully enough not to wake him. Still, they'd gone to bed early enough that the horizon down the hill had only just let go of the sun. + +He slipped out of bed and into his pants—black denim traded in for a dirty green canvas—splashed some water on his face from the barrel nearby, and started the trek back out to the rock where they'd set the fire, figuring that'd be the most likely place to find his boyfriend. + +End Waking was indeed there, crouching before a low fire with a pot for coffee already set above it, but another skunk knelt across from him as well, chatting quietly. + +``Hey May Then My Name,'' he said, settling down beside her. ``Whatcha doing here?'' + +The skunk started, grinned wide, and leaned in to hug around his shoulders. ``Jesus, Debarre, you taking lessons from End Waking? Scared the hell out of me, sneaking up like that.'' + +He laughed and returned the hug before reaching for the coffee pot. ``Maybe it's contagious.'' + +``Can you imagine a disease so miserable?'' the other skunk said, waving the weasel back from the coffee pot. ``Our guest here finished what was left. You will have to wait, my dear.'' + +``Sorry,'' she said, holding her battered enamel mug out to Debarre. ``You can have the other half.'' + +``Nah, go ahead. I'll wait. You never told me what you're doing here, though.'' + +She stuck her tongue out at him. ``Am I not allowed to be a pest? That is my role in life.'' + +``'Course you are, just that usually you're a pest with news.'' + +``Fine, fine, yes,'' she said. ``It can wait until after coffee, though. How are you, Debarre? I was not expecting you to be back just yet.'' + +``It is my fault,'' her cocladist said. ``A tree fell on me back around--'' + +``\emph{What?!}'' + +He shrugged. ``There was a wind storm late last year and a tree fell across my tent. It crushed the frame and floor, knocked over the back wall, and impaled my thigh on a splintered board.'' + +She brought her paws up to cover her muzzle, eyes wide. + +``I am okay,'' he said, smiling disarmingly. ``But I asked Debarre to return to help me rebuild.'' + +``He didn't want to fork to fix his leg,'' the weasel said, rolling his eyes. + +``I do not fork often, you know that.'' + +``There was a plank through your leg, E.W.,'' he retorted. ``That wasn't just going to heal okay on its own.'' + +It was the skunk's turn to roll his eyes. ``You are no fun.'' + +May Then My Name, having finally regained her composure, said, ``Well, thank you, Debarre.'' + +Debarre nodded. + +She sighed, smiling weakly at End Waking. ``I am glad you are okay, skunk. I would be lost without you. + +``The trees do not know how to kill me, May Then My Name,'' End Waking said, frowning. ``There is no virus within them. Debarre was right to get me to fork to fix, I will admit, but I would have done so anyway had it landed more fully on me.'' + +When all that greeted this was silence, he sighed and let his shoulders slump. ``I am sorry. I have set up the new camp in a location with sturdier trees. I will endeavor to remain cautious.'' + +May Then My Name crawled around the fire to dot her nose against the skunk's cheek. He looked uncomfortable, but tolerated the touch. + +``Thank you, my dear,'' she said. ``I do not mean to lecture. I am just\ldots well, if the coffee is ready, please pour yourself a cup, Debarre, and we will talk.'' + +Once they'd settled back down and the kettle was replaced with a pot to cook oatmeal, she began, ``To preface, this is nothing serious, I just need to talk with someone who is not Ioan.'' + +``Why?'' End Waking asked. + +``You will see. That is also part of it.'' + +He nodded. + +``I am not even sure that it is actionable.'' She sighed, shrugged. ``I have just been thinking about True Name a lot of late.'' + +End Waking sat, conspicuously impassive, while Debarre shook his head. ``Why? I thought you'd basically agreed to never talk again.'' + +``We have not spoken; at least, not more than a few cordial words in passing. However, Ioan has been meeting up with her for coffee once a month since the first news of the Artemisians.'' + +He and End Waking both tilted their heads. + +``Ey has been ensuring that things remain polite and smooth between us.'' She held up a paw to forestall any comments, adding quickly, ``I trust em in this. Ey is simply meeting her at a coffee shop where they each work on their own projects. They chat a little, and then do their own things. Ey describes it as `friendly coworkers' more than anything, which I believe.'' + +``Is that a thing that even needs to be done?'' Debarre said. ``Wasn't she just leaving you alone before?'' + +``Yes, thankfully. It is just\ldots{}'' She frowned, poking at the packed earth with a claw. ``That has been necessary to prevent anger, but it has still not been comfortable. There are plenty of people who I no longer see and do not miss, or do miss and think about with some frequency. It was such an uneasy silence.'' + +``And you think Ioan's doing the right thing?'' + +``Ey is,'' End Waking said. ``Ey is ensuring that there remains a distance between you two without it being an unbridged distance. That would just leave you to stew, knowing how you work. You would never let it go and spin yourself into a whirlwind of emotion. The Bălans are perhaps a little awkward at times, but they do not lack all social graces.'' + +May Then My Name rubbed her paws over her face. ``I knooow,'' she whined. ``And I love em for thinking of that.'' + +``You just still resent her,'' the other skunk said. + +``Yes.'' + +``I know you said it probably isn't actionable,'' Debarre said, poking at the fire with a stick. ``But what would you change about the situation?'' + +``As in `in a perfect world'?'' + +``Right, yeah. Perfect world, what would you like?'' + +She frowned, watching End Waking dote over the oatmeal, dumping a pawful of dried fruit into it. Eventually, she said, ``I do not know. She has apologized and done what I have requested. She has changed, too, from what Ioan has said. She is trying to be more earnest and willing to engage emotionally. She has been seeing Sarah as well.'' + +Debarre nodded. ``But it sounds like that's not it.'' + +``No.~I think what is missing is contrition. She has apologized for what she has done to me and Ioan and has maybe even begun to make changes. I do not know how to put it, but it feels like she is being earnest without being sincere. She is sorry, but not contrite. She does not feel bad for what she has done. Her apologies are not backed by understanding.'' + +``There is no penance,'' End Waking said plainly, dishing out the oatmeal into the mugs they'd been using for coffee. ``True penance is borne out of feeling bad about what one has done and wanting to change, to make up for it, not merely about responding to how others are reacting.'' + +May Then My Name toyed with her oatmeal. ``Yes. Maybe she does and just does not know how to show it. I just do not know how to truly believe that.'' + +``Worried she's just acting?'' Debarred said, blowing on a still vigorously steaming spoonful of oats. + +``Perhaps. That was ever the dilemma of us going into theatre. Did we love it or did we merely want to become someone else? To hide from who we were?'' + +``Be wary of your pessimism,'' End Waking said. ``It takes attention and effort, May Then My Name, at least when one has intentionally tamped down emotions to the point that she has. If I could teach her, if either of us could teach her, I think we would, but I do not know that one can learn penance from anyone but oneself.'' + +She nodded, looking distracted and thoughtful. ``If it were as simple as merging down\ldots{}'' + +End Waking stiffened, frowned around his bite of breakfast. + +She smiled to him apologetically. ``Sorry, I will stop for now. Thank you both for listening to me bitch.'' + +``It's fine, skunk,'' Debarre said. ``I think E.W. is right that Ioan's doing the right thing. It takes some pressure off of you and lets it\ldots I dunno, be a process or something. You don't have to do anything now 'cause you've got an opening to deal with it.'' + +``Yes, well put. Thank you, my dear,'' she said. ``I will process as best I can. I do not suppose either of you have talked to her recently?'' + +They both shook their heads. + +``Right, I thought not. That's enough of the topic for now, anyway.'' She waved a paw and took a bite of oatmeal, then pulled a face. ``We need to get you some sugar or something.'' + +Debarre laughed. ``She's right, E.W. I've gotten used to it, but only just barely.'' + +``Fucking lame,'' he drawled. ``My sim, my rules. You must suffer without.'' + +May Then My Name flicked some oatmeal from her spoon at him. ``Call me lame, will you.'' + +He grinned toothily, picking the bit of oatmeal off his shirt sleeve and adding it to his mug. + +``Either way, my root instance is back at home, so I can stay as long as I like. Would you like some help, at least?'' + +``If you can swing a hammer, then yes, that would be wonderful.'' diff --git a/mitzvot/content/old/007.tex b/mitzvot/content/old/007.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..cead8e1 --- /dev/null +++ b/mitzvot/content/old/007.tex @@ -0,0 +1,181 @@ +\hypertarget{ioan-bux103lan-2350}{% +\chapter{Ioan Bălan — 2350}\label{ioan-bux103lan-2350}} +\markboth{Ioan Bălan — 2350}{} + +Through some stroke of luck or perhaps some forgetful nature, it was perpetually early summer at Arrowhead Lake, that abandoned mountain sim Ioan and May had long ago adopted. Whether or not winter had socked them in at home, they could at least take a summer walk somewhere. + +``Winter has its place,'' ey'd explained to May when she'd gotten particularly whiny about the snow. ``I like the snow so long as I'm inside.'' + +``Did you ever even see snow, my dear?'' + +Ey'd shrugged. ``Sure. We'd get dumped on once or twice a year.'' + +``And was that pleasant?'' + +``Well, no, but--'' + +She'd laughed at em, then, shaking her head. ``I miss our porch swing. I miss our lilacs and dandelions. Sometimes, I just want to lay in the grass and overheat. I have been betrayed by our weather.'' + +So it was a good escape when it got cold. They could duck off—alone or together—to the lake and head for a walk. + +May had chosen the name Arrowhead Lake over Ioan's protests that it looked nothing like an arrowhead, being more kidney shaped. The sim itself was tagged Peak Lake\#587a9383. Maybe it was just Peak Lake? This seemed only to have emboldened her when ey brought it up, and ey was firmly overruled. + +Whenever ey walked out there without her, as ey did today, ey'd think on this. Maybe it had little to do with the lake itself. Maybe it had to do with the silhouettes of the pines? Or something to do with way the snow lingered on pointed peaks? + +``Or maybe she's just a brat,'' ey mumbled, smiling to emself as ey walked slowly along the deer trail. ``No reasoning with an Odist.'' + +Ey'd long wrestled with whether or not they were just normal people. Perhaps Michelle had been—ey'd not spent enough time around her to know, and what time ey had managed had been mostly silence. Toward the end, her conversations were more interruptions than not, although the impression ey'd gotten was that she'd been kind and gentle, while still being the type to care passionately about things or, more often, people. The impression just hadn't been a strong one. Not enough time for it to solidify. + +Ey'd eventually come to the conclusion, confirmed through discussions with several of the clade, that each of them had begun more as a distillation of a singular aspect of Michelle than the whole of her. That wasn't to say that they weren't complete in their own right, simply that each was singularly focused on their interests and skills, a perpetual hyperfixation. What was it Codrin and Dear had said? Even True Name was a fully realized person. + +Normal, though? Could one be both a singular facet and normal? + +And maybe it went beyond them. Maybe it was a dispersionista thing. Ey could see such a habit building even without Michelle's unique experiences. + +When the trail dipped down out of the trees toward the shore, ey stooped to pick up a handful of pebbles, enough to toss into the water once ey reached the boulder at the lake's outlet. Codrin had eir cairns, ey supposed, and ey had a heap of pebbles at the bottom of the lake, tossed in one by one over the decades. + +\emph{I still don't know what I'm supposed to be doing,} ey thought, rattling the rocks around in eir hand as ey continued walking. \emph{I don't know if I'm supposed to help either of them, bring them together again, or what.} + +It was still a week out from eir next meeting with True Name, from Secession Day, and while May's anxiety hadn't ticked back up, eir own had lingered. There was an unsettled feeling within em that made itself known whenever ey thought about heading to the coffee shop. + +``Maybe I'm not supposed to do anything,'' ey muttered, climbing up the boulder. ``Maybe I'm just supposed to be a friend, like she says.'' + +Ey tossed a stone into the water with a small plunk and splash. + +That gulf remained between the two skunks, and no one seemed happy with it. + +\emph{Plunk, splash.} + +``I don't know why it feels like I'm supposed to be the one to do something about it. Friends are supposed to help, right?'' + +\emph{Plunk, splash.} + +``There's nothing for me to fix, really. They've each made their own decisions, and seem at peace with those, even if they're not happy with whatever's left between them.'' + +\emph{Plunk, splash.} + +``And they'd probably both resent me if I \emph{were} to do anything.'' Ey tossed a few pebbles in at once, splashing in a brief, watery static. ``Whatever that'd even be.'' + +Ey stood at the peak of that boulder, tossing pebbles into water and thinking, mumbling to emself about May and True Name. When ey ran out of pebbles, ey sat cross-legged and looked out over the lake, unseeing. + +``I should just pinch myself whenever I start thinking that there's something I need to do,'' ey said to the water. ``Pretty sure May doesn't want it, she's happy working on her emotions without me meddling, and I'm pretty sure True Name doesn't want it, since she seems content\ldots what was it, maintaining that level of connection after so long a time of disconnect?'' + +The lake didn't answer, not in anything other than the water lapping at the shore and the chatter of the creek. + +``This is stupid.'' + +Ey sat for another hour, just watching the lake, the clouds, the trees, trying not to think about how complicated it was for one person to be so split among so many instances. + +The walk back was spent unwinding the thought processes that led em here in the first place. Unwinding and re-coiling into a careful skein, now with fewer knots than it had had in it before, though it still remained tangled. + +``Good walk, my dear?'' May said when ey returned and plopped down onto the couch. + +``Very. It's nice out there.'' + +``It always is,'' the skunk said, walking over from where she'd been poking around in the kitchen to dot her nose atop eir head. ``It could be here too, you know.'' + +Ey laughed and waved a hand toward the picture windows facing out the balcony, out to the drifting snow. ``It's pretty, May. It makes being all warm inside nicer.'' + +She leaned down to rest her elbows on the back of the couch beside em. ``I am not immune to the beauty, I am just a wuss when it comes to the cold.'' + +``Well, if you ever wore shoes\ldots{}'' + +She swatted at the back of eir head and laughed. ``Jerk.'' + +``Ow! Domestic abuse!'' Ey laughed as well, rubbing at eir head. ``Want to go out for dinner?'' + +At that, May perked up, grinning. ``I take back the slap. Yes please! Can we get sushi?'' + +``Sure, J2?'' + +She bounced on the balls of her feet and nodded. ``Yes! You, my dear, know just how to treat a girl.'' + +``Skunk girl.'' + +``Well, yes, but still.'' Still bouncing, she twirled around\pagebreak\ behind the couch, tail trailing along behind her. ``I will get ready. I am hungry now, so too bad if you are not.'' + +One of the things that Ioan appreciated most about J2 over all of the other sushi places May had dragged em to is that it was the most amenable to em eating with eir hands. May was quite nimble with chopsticks—no mean feat with paws and claws—but ey'd never quite picked it up, so being able to eat those little bullets of rice and fish with eir hands suited em quite well. + +It had a channel of water floating along between the booths, small dishes drifting by lazily for the diners to pluck from the water. This obviated the need for any staff, real or simulated, as each dish would be replaced from behind a bend in the river. With no need to pay beyond a token amount of reputation, it simply became a pleasant evening out, plates stacking up at the edge of their table a tacit contest with other diners. + +``Did you get what you needed out of your walk earlier?'' May asked before popping a bit of fish into her muzzle. + +Ey shrugged, finished chewing, and said, ``I guess. Was doing some thinking into that feeling that I have to fix every problem in front of me when it comes to relationships.'' + +``I have noticed that in you, yes,'' she said. ``Beyond when we specifically talk about it, I mean.'' + +``You have?'' + +``You are not a sneaky person, Ioan. When it comes up, it is there for me to see.'' + +``Oh, uh,'' ey stammered, setting eir plate on top of the stack. ``Sorry, May.'' + +``No, no, you are fine! I accept it in the spirit in which it is given. You want to do right by me and your friends, even when `doing right' is not your responsibility. So long as you do not overstep boundaries, I can at least understand it.'' + +``Well, all the same, it's not like it's comfortable. I don't think anyone likes feeling helpless, but I just wish I didn't get hung up on finding solutions to everything.'' + +``You know, it is weird,'' she said, gesturing vaguely with a shrimp. ``For someone who spent so long purely observing, a busybody tendency feels out of place.'' + +Ey shook eir head. ``Observing is situational. If there's something happening that has a start and end, or which I can come home from, then I can just observe it. If it's something that's ongoing or integral to a person, especially a meaningful person, then I feel like I really want to help.'' + +She had taken the opportunity of em talking to eat the bit of shrimp she'd used as a pointer, and when she finished, she asked, ``Is this a new thing?'' + +``How do you mean?'' + +``Were you always like this? Did you always want to help when it was something integral to people you care about?'' + +Ey frowned. + +``Do not get me wrong, I am not suggesting one way or another. We have only known each other for a small portion of our lives. It is just that Codrin and Sorina both decided to specifically focus on that only recently.'' + +Ey nodded thoughtfully. ``Right. I don't know, honestly. Maybe? Maybe it's you, and--'' + +She rolled her eyes. + +``No, I mean, maybe it's you in that you're the first person I've gotten close enough to to wind up feeling like that, at least since I uploaded.'' + +The skunk paused in the act of picking another plate from the river, letting it drift on. ``Did you feel that way about your brother? Was you uploading your fix?'' + +Ey felt eir muscles go rigid, eir jaw clench, eir hands start to tremble. ``Uh\ldots well, huh.'' + +Ears splayed and eyes wide with alarm, the skunk reached out to take one of eir hands in her own. ``I am sorry, Ioan. If I overstepped, I apologize.'' + +Letting the skunk lace her fingers with eirs, ey shook eir head to dislodge the slight dizziness that had come with the realization and concomitant panic. ``Maybe?'' Ey forced a smile. ``I mean, maybe uploading was my fix for that situation? I don't know.'' + +She nodded, gave eir hand a gentle squeeze. + +``I think you're the only person I've really loved other than Rareș,'' ey said, nudging the conversation back on track to avoid settling into that particular rumination. ``That's what I meant. I want to make things good for you, whether it's you overflowing, stuff with True Name, or any other number of things that aren't my responsibility or even under my control.'' + +May smiled, the expression veering perilously close to a smirk. ``You have said that you want to fix things for True Name at times, too. Are you sure that you are not in love?'' + +``I've also talked about how often I'll wind up getting caught off guard by how much you two still look and sound alike,'' ey said, smirking right back. ``She's nice and I do want to help her, but I think I'm a ways off from that.'' + +She laughed. ``I know, I know. You just leave yourself so open, sometimes, a girl cannot help herself. You are also allowed to want to help friends and acquaintances as well as me.'' + +``Skunks, I swear\ldots{}'' Ey laughed when she pinched at eir fingers, tugging eir hand free so ey could grab another plate of sushi. ``That's kind of what I was thinking about on the walk, though. I feel weirdly obligated to fix things. It's not my place to, I don't think either of you would be comfortable with that, and that's not even counting whether or not it's something either of you \emph{want}.'' + +``I do not know,'' she said, shrugging. ``I spoke about that with End Waking and Debarre recently, and am no closer to an answer. We did all agree, however, that you doing what you are is a good thing, in that it at least sets up an avenue for change, even if neither True Name nor I decide to take that step.'' + +Ey nodded. ``I just want things to remain smooth between everyone, is all. Maybe it's a little\ldots I don't know, overly conciliatory of me?'' + +``Perhaps, but that does not mean it does not have its own utility.'' + +They ate in silence for a moment, Ioan eventually giving up after finishing eir plate. It was no less easy to eat too much, even in an embedded world. + +``Are you okay with it?'' + +``Hmm?'' + +``Being between us. Interacting with the both of us even though I still resent her and she is still pleased with the work that she does. Are you okay being in the middle of that?'' + +Ey slouched back against the booth and watched the plates drift lazily by on the current, thinking. ``I don't know.'' + +``That is a perfectly valid answer, my dear.'' + +``I don't really like the feeling. I feel weird about it every time it comes up, much as we need to talk about it.'' Ey smiled, taking one of her paws in eir hand again. ``I agree that it has its uses. It's uncomfortable at times, but I don't think I'd be any more comfortable dropping out of the role.'' + +The skunk brushed her thumb over eir fingers, saying, ``I understand, Ioan. It is complex. If it needs to change, it can, and until then, even if I still harbor equally complex thoughts on True Name, I appreciate your position in our dynamic.'' + +The conversation drifted away from the subject after that, and the two wound up back at home to poke through their own projects even as the night fell early. + +It wasn't until they'd made it back to bed and curled up together that ey was finally able to truly let go of the topic, though; even throughout eir writing, a small portion of eir mind had been dedicated to the question of what eir role was between the two skunks and why it both rankled and felt necessary. diff --git a/mitzvot/content/old/008.tex b/mitzvot/content/old/008.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..90b803e --- /dev/null +++ b/mitzvot/content/old/008.tex @@ -0,0 +1,153 @@ +\begin{center}\rule{0.5\linewidth}{0.5pt}\end{center} + +Ioan was surprised by just how wrung out True Name looked during their Secession Day coffee date. The skunk's blouse was wrinkled, her normally orderly fur mussed atop her head, and her whiskers all abristle. She looked as though she'd not slept for days and certainly not changed outfits in at least as long. + +All the same, her arrival was much the same as all the others had been, with her smiling to em, ordering her coffee, and joining em on the couch in order to set up a cone of silence. + +``Good morning, Mx. Bălan. I trust you are well?'' + +``Uh, I'm fine, I guess.'' Ey frowned, continuing carefully, ``What about you, though? You look\ldots well, terrible.'' + +The skunk's smile faltered, betraying the exhaustion that plainly lay beneath. With another blink, the cone's ACLs changed to opaque it from the outside. She sagged against the couch. ``I came in a rush, my dear, I apologize for my appearance.'' + +``You don't need to apologize, True Name. I'm just worried. Lots of Secession Day preparations?'' + +``Of a sort, yes. Things have been rather stressful the last few days.'' She laughed, shook her head, and added, ``Well, more than a little. I have been stretched very thin and am\ldots struggling.'' + +``Struggling?'' + +The skunk's eyes darted around the coffee shop, scanning each face within at least twice. ``I am not comfortable expanding on that at the moment.'' + +Ey held up eir hands disarmingly. ``Of course. Are you at least excited about the day?'' + +``When I have the chance to slow down, I can feel some of that excitement. This provides me a good chance to do so. Twenty-five years since Launch and both LVs are continuing on in their journey with very few problems. Two and a quarter centuries since Secession and life continues smoothly here.'' + +``That seems to fit with your goals pretty well.'' + +She gave a slight nod of acknowledgement, though she remained distracted. ``That it does, my dear.'' + +``You and Jonas planning anything for yourselves, at least?'' + +``There will be a gathering, yes,'' she said. ``Today at noon.'' + +``\,`A gathering'? Not a party?'' + +She shrugged. ``His words, not mine. I do not know what he is planning.'' + +``Well, hopefully a good one.'' + +``Agreed. This will limit my time here, of course, I hope that you understand, and I may be distracted as several of my forks merge down to reduce conflicts while there.'' + +Ey nodded. ``That's alright. I've got stuff to work on, too.'' + +Lapping at the whipped cream atop her drink, she once again scanned the crowd, which, as far as ey could tell, had not changed since she'd arrived. Something about her posture suggested that the topic of what was happening was closed, however, so ey made note to ask about it later instead. + +They fell into work after that. True Name focused on her messages or dealt with merges while ey dedicated a token amount of effort to eir writing. The rest of em observed the skunk out of the corner of eir eye and thought about just how much must be happening for her to admit that she was struggling. 225 years since the System seceded from the rest of Earth's governments doubtless came with a lot of celebrations and announcements to make, speeches to write, hands to shake, or whatever it was that the non-leaders of Lagrange did in such an event. + +Add in the twenty-fifth anniversary since Launch and certainly there would be an added note of joy for many across all three Systems. Ioan was particularly looking forward to the letters from Castor and Pollux in a month and change to hear how things had gone on each of the LVs. Perhaps ey'd even hear from Sorina from Artemis. + +Still, True Name's mussed appearance and anxious expression seemed to go beyond that. Ey couldn't think of a reason related to the day that would have her in such a state. Things would be intense, but not so much so as to force her to drop her carefully constructed veneer of confidence. + +\emph{Ah well, at least she got some time off,} ey thought. This was followed by a gentle chiding which ey heard in May's voice. \emph{And you are not supposed to be fixing things, remember?} + +Right. + +Forcing emself to concentrate on eir writing at least bought em ten minutes of work. + +``Huh,'' True Name mumbled, frowning. + +``Hmm?'' + +She shook her head. ``Nothing, I suppose. Just got a merge from an instance, and it sounds like Jonas is looking for me. He knows that I am--'' + +Ey jolted back as the skunk leapt to her feet, gaze whipping about the room, then out through the windows to the street. Her tail was bristled out, ears pinned flat, and paws clenched tight, something ey'd only seen in May, and then only a handful of times. + +``True Name?'' + +She held up a paw, beckoning em to silence, and, despite the way she kept searching face after face, ey could picture dozens of sensorium messages flying back and forth from her. Her frown only deepened. + +Ey closed eir notebook, figuring ey was pretty well ruined for work at this point, and watched her carefully. + +When nothing of interest appeared on the street, the skunk turned slowly to scan the room. Her eyes shot wide open, and ey followed her gaze out into the scant crowd of patrons. Everything was much as it had been: folks sitting and chatting, drinking their coffee, reading or doing work. She, however, seemed to be focused in particular on a middle-aged man walking from the back of the shop where a door opened onto patio seating. + +``Fuck,'' she said, then shouted, ``\emph{Fuck!}'' + +She darted around the coffee table, knocking against it hard enough to send both of their drinks spilling across its surface, and grabbed eir hand. ``Go, Ioan! Go, \emph{go!}'' + +``What?!'' Ey scrambled to eir feet, eyes darting between True Name and that oddly familiar man walking towards them. ``Where?'' + +``Home! Anywhere!'' + +It didn't seem open to discussion, and enough of her panic had built up in em by now that ey quickly stepped from the sim to home, yanking True Name along with. + +To home and chaos. + +There was a flurry of activity down the short hall from the entryway, several instances of May blinking into and out of existence, along with several more of the same man they'd seen at the shop. She was forking close enough to each instance of him to exercise the collision algorithms of the sim, knocking him this way and that to keep him away from her. She was screaming, ``Get the fuck out! I am not her! Get \emph{out!}'' + +``May!'' + +A few of the skunks looked over to the door, and then suddenly another was beside em, grabbing eir free hand. With a wrenching sensation, a sudden change in light and sound and gravity, the three of them stumbled out of Arrowhead Lake's default entry point. + +May pulled her paw roughly free of eir hand and whirled to face them, shouting, ``What the fuck did you do?!'' + +Tugging her own paw free, True Name darted away, looking around wild-eyed. ``How secure is this place?'' + +``I think May and I are the only ones who even know it--'' + +She quickly ran a few paces into the woods, peering between the trees. + +``Ioan,'' May growled. ``What the fuck just happened? Why the fuck was he in our house?'' + +Ey shook eir head, trying to dislodge the dazed confusion. ``I don't know. He was at the coffee shop, too. Who even--'' + +``Guōweī,'' she snapped, then shouted up to True Name, ``Why the fuck was he in our house? What did you do?'' + +The other skunk had shifted from her near feral crouch to standing, rigid and staring up into the branches, a look of dire concentration on her face. + +When she didn't answer, May began pacing and muttering—whether to herself or through some sensorium message, ey couldn't tell. + +Guōweī. The assassin. The reputation analyst who had killed Qoheleth in the middle of his speech. + +A quick prowl through eir memories lined up face with name. + +Eventually, True Name's shoulders sagged and she stumbled down from the trees, Ioan and May both watching her, wide-eyed. She kept walking past them, past the trail, down onto muddy beach, then out into the water. The short waves lapped up against her legs, soaking her slacks, and still she kept walking. She walked until the lake had made its way nearly up to her waist. + +And then she screamed. + +It wasn't a shout, no words were behind it. It was a scream of pure, unrestrained emotion, though whether anger, fear, frustration, or something else, ey could not guess. + +Then she turned around and waded back toward the shore, stumbling once or twice, until she gave up and fell to her knees, water up to her waist once more. She beat at the surface of the lake with balled-up fists, growling and crying. Finally, she stopped, slouching over until she had to catch herself on her hands. + +May's fury, which until that point had been burning hot in her expression, was replaced by something more complicated. Anger, yes, but anxiety and fear as well. ``True Name,'' she said, voice more under control than it had been. ``What happened?'' + +``They are gone. They are all gone. Someone is trying to take me out,'' she said between heaving breaths. ``Trying to get rid of me.'' + +``What? Why?'' ey said. + +There was no answer from the skunk. + +``Who, then?'' + +She shook her head numbly. ``I do not know. There is a small list that we have been keeping our eye on. There are some reactionary elements that have been growing louder. I need to think. I need to\ldots but\ldots{}'' + +They waited, tense. + +``But all of my instances are gone. Two merged back, one sent a message that she would be late, and then nothing.'' + +``\emph{All} of them?'' May asked. ``How many?'' + +``One hundred and eight.'' + +At that eir partner let out a startled laugh. ``Jesus Christ, True Name.'' + +Again, no answer. + +``Well, who would even know where your root instance was? Or all of your other instances, for that matter?'' Ioan asked. + +``My root--'' She tried to stand so quickly that she stumbled again and had to catch herself. ``You have to be fucking kidding me.'' + +Her eyes went blank, and she frowned out toward nothing, though tears left tracks down her cheeks. + +May looked to Ioan. ``What does she mean?'' + +Ey couldn't tear eir eyes off the other skunk, and it took em a few seconds to even work up the concentration to reply. ``Shortly before we left, one of her two merges said that Jonas was looking for her.'' diff --git a/mitzvot/content/old/009.tex b/mitzvot/content/old/009.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..8147ec0 --- /dev/null +++ b/mitzvot/content/old/009.tex @@ -0,0 +1,91 @@ +\hypertarget{ioan-bux103lan-2349}{% +\chapter{Ioan Bălan — 2350}\label{ioan-bux103lan-2349}} +\markboth{Ioan Bălan — 2350}{} + +True Name, having gathered her wits about her at least enough to trudge out of the lake and fork herself dry, requested directions to somewhere she could think alone. Ioan gestured down the path toward the rock, explaining that it'd be far enough away that they wouldn't hear each other if she didn't want a cone of silence, but that she'd still be able to see them at the entry point if anything happened. + +``I need to think. No one from the stanza is replying, I am not sure which friends I can trust, and I definitely do not want to speak to Jonas,'' she explained, then rubbed her paws over her face. ``Or perhaps I just need to sulk. I will return in an hour.'' + +She bowed to em and May then trudged off down the path. + +May glared after her down-tree instance with her paws bunched into fists and ears canted back, then whirled on Ioan, waving a cone of silence into being. + +``Ioan, I am not at all happy,'' she said, voice frigid. ``I know that none of this is your fault except inasmuch as you have been meeting her for coffee, but I am having a hard time keeping my anger to myself.'' + +Ey took a long breath, ran eir hands through eir hair, and paced in an abbreviated line before her. ``I know, May, I don't blame you. I'm completely baffled. Go ahead.'' + +``I spend two hundred fucking years trying to get away from that life, from all of her fucking schemes,'' she said, voice quickly rising in volume. ``And then I spend the last three trying to calm down so that I quit burning up whenever I so much as think about her, and now this. Look at us! Hiding in the woods from assassins. \emph{Assassins!}'' + +Ey averted eir gaze from her. Nothing ey could say would help, and ey knew some remote part of emself was feeling much of what she was, too. + +``Her and fucking Jonas are still doing whatever the fuck it is that they do, and now they are doing it to each other. Every time I think I can just settle down with you and get away from that, it just seeps right back in. I know that you were trying to do right by us, meeting up with her, but I really, \emph{really} wish you had not.'' + +``May, I--'' + +``At least tell me what happened there.'' + +``Right. We met up as usual. She was looking pretty terrible, and when pressed on it, she said she was struggling and wasn't comfortable elaborating. When asked about Secession Day, she said she and Jonas were going to have, in his words, a gathering. She said her instances were going to merge down for this and that one of them said he was looking for her. She kept getting anxious and looking around at everyone there, and then jumped up, I guess when merges stopped coming. Guōweī came in from the back and walked right toward us, then we stepped home and grabbed you.'' + +May crossed her arms and watched em pace and talk, her expression softening, though the frown remained. ``And that is it? No talk of these\ldots what, reactionary groups?'' + +Ey shook eir head. ``None today, none in the past. It seems like something she'd keep close to the chest.'' + +``And it was in a cone with visual ACLs on secure?'' + +``Yeah.'' + +``But Guōweī was still walking right for you?'' + +Ey nodded. + +The skunk looked down to the ground, brow furrowed. ``I suppose if he knew she was there, that would be proof enough. I imagine a place like that chooses to display it as blurred out rather than completely hidden.'' + +``I guess,'' ey said, though the words lacked conviction to eir ears. ``Then she grabbed my hand and told me to go.'' + +``She grabbed--'' She hesitated, mastered a sudden swell of anger, then subsided. ``It makes sense, I suppose. The chance that you would head someplace that she and Jonas could not guess is greater than if she had chosen. Ioan, my dear, you are pacing a hole in the path.'' + +``Sorry, May,'' ey said, trying to stand still. ``It's just a little nuts.'' + +The skunk sighed, held out her paw to em, and gave her best smile. ``I know. I am really fucking confused and really fucking pissed, I do not imagine you are feeling much better. Would walking help?'' + +Ey took her paw in eir hand and nodded. ``Please.'' + +Remembering their promise to stay in sight, they walked slowly back and forth along the short stretch of beach near the entry point, still within sight of True Name, kneeling on the rock by the outlet of the lake. + +``I am sorry that overflowed onto you for a moment, Ioan. I did not mean to yell at you.'' + +``You're fine, May, you just had some guy chasing you around our house trying to kill you or whatever, you're allowed to be pissed.'' + +She snorted and shook her head. ``He had only just arrived a few moments before you. I imagine True Name's fork said something about being with you but not where, so he came to our place and saw someone that looked vaguely like her. Perhaps they wanted it to be as close to simultaneous as possible for precisely this reason and one simply jumped the gun. I am surprised they did not just wait for her. How eager they must be.'' + +``Makes about as much sense as any of this.'' Ey looked out across the lake at where the other skunk sat, head bowed. ``What do we do now?'' + +``I do not know, my dear. I have had precisely as many assassins after me as you, now, and I do not know what to do about True Name. I guess just stay here for a bit and gather our wits.'' + +Ey sighed, bent down, and plucked at a pebble on the bank until it came free of the sand, tossing it into the water. Anything to keep from spiraling back into anxiety. ``I'll have to go back and clear the house at some point. I'll lock down the ACLs to us and any immediate guests.'' + +``I do not imagine you will find much there, now that we are gone, but I appreciate you doing a sweep all the same. I have some concerns about our privacy.'' + +Ey frowned. + +She waved the idea away with a paw. ``If it is an issue, we will discuss it. If it is not, then I do not want to think about it any further.'' + +``Well, if you say so.'' + +She leaned against eir side, resting her head on eir shoulder. ``I am sorry, my dear. It is one of those things that is not a concern until it suddenly very fucking is.'' + +Ey ruffled a hand through the fur between the skunk's ears, then settled eir arm around her shoulders. ``I'll tell you what all I find there, and we can both hope it's nothing. What will you do, meanwhile?'' + +``I am not sure. I do not particularly want to come with if they are looking for someone who looks like me. I will stay here and I guess keep an eye on our\ldots ah, guest.'' + +``You sure you'll be okay with that?'' + +There was a long pause before the skunk gave in and slipped both of her arms around eir middle, burying her face against eir shirt. ``I do not know,'' she said, voice muffled and small. ``I thought that I would be, was going to \emph{say} that I would be, but I really do not know.'' + +Ey rested eir chin atop her head. ``Well, I don't think I'll be gone all that long—five minutes, maybe—but if you need, just send a ping and I'll be right back.'' + +``I am not expecting anything so dramatic. I will stay here and try to de-stress. True Name still has about half an hour left of\ldots well, whatever it is that she is doing.'' + +Ey tightened eir arms around the skunk for a squeeze, kissed her atop the head, then stepped back. ``All the same, just stay safe, alright?'' + +She sniffled and nodded. ``You too, my dear. Good luck, and do not die.'' diff --git a/mitzvot/content/old/010.tex b/mitzvot/content/old/010.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..ad36b11 --- /dev/null +++ b/mitzvot/content/old/010.tex @@ -0,0 +1,265 @@ +\begin{center}\rule{0.5\linewidth}{0.5pt}\end{center} + +Ioan wasn't sure what ey was expecting, stepping back home. Certainly all of the instances of May had quit as soon as they'd left, and hopefully that meant that there wouldn't be any more reputation-analyst-\emph{cum}-assassins lingering around. All ey could hope is that ey wouldn't find any core dumps, just in case one of them had somehow killed one of her forks. It was vanishingly unlikely, given that the virus embedded in those symbolic objects—the syringes and knives and who knows what else—had to be tailored to whoever the target was. + +\emph{Unless they're after the whole stanza or the whole clade,} ey thought, lingering in the entryway, straining to hear any sounds coming from deeper within the house. The entryway took the form of a short hallway that led into a large, rectangular room comprising a den, dining room, and kitchen, and at least the space directly ahead of em was clear. + +\emph{This is stupid,} ey thought. \emph{I should just clear the whole place of everyone and completely reset the ACLs.} + +Curiosity won out, though, and ey set up a cone of silence above emself, set the visual ACLs secure, and then crept into the den. Ey'd be utterly silent and, as far as ey could tell, simply a blurry shape within a blurry patch of the room, though ey'd never tried the new features here at home. + +Ey just had to hope that was enough. + +Peeking around the corner revealed an empty den, though the clear evidence of a struggle remained: pillows and couch cushions were tossed about, a glass of juice had been knocked over on the table, and most of May's notes had been scattered in a crazed ring around her desk. + +The kitchen and dining area were also empty. Other than the chairs around the dining table knocked askew, there was no damage. + +The bedroom was similarly empty, bed still neatly made and a few of May's better origami creations untouched on the windowsill. + +It wasn't until ey made eir way out onto the balcony to check the back yard that ey found anyone. + +A tall, sandy-haired man sat in one of eir Adirondack chairs, cheek rested on his fist as he stared dozily out into the yard. It had been nearly twenty-five years since ey'd interviewed Jonas, and ey hadn't seen him at all in the interim, but nothing seemed to have changed about him. He was still polished to a gleam, every aspect of him still oozing confidence, still, as both May and True name had described him, perilously handsome. + +Ey dropped the cone warily. + +``Long time no see, Ioan.'' He grinned, nodding out to the yard. ``Lovely place you've got. So few people keep those good, full-bore winters anymore, you know?'' + +Ioan lifted eir hand to bounce him from the sim. + +Jonas lifted his hands, palms up. ``Hey, it's okay. I'm just here to talk. Mr.~Qián left after you and your partner did. Some dramatic stuff all went down all at once.'' + +``Jonas,'' ey said, standing well back from him. ``What are you doing here?'' + +``Just waiting on you, mostly. I wanted to check and make sure you and May Then My Name were alright.'' + +``Check\ldots{}'' Ey shook eir head. ``Why would you care about our well-being? You just sent an assassin to our house.'' + +``Only to tidy up loose ends,'' he said, leaning back in the chair again and using the well-shined toe of his shoe to knock a bit of snow off the railing of the balcony. ``I trust you've stashed your skunks away somewhere safe?'' + +``\,`My skunks'?'' All of the stress of the last forty-five minutes that ey'd been holding back around May, all that had been obscured by eir need to get from point A to point B as quickly as possible, all of it came crashing down on em at once. ``\emph{`My skunks'?}'' ey shouted. ``Jonas, what the fuck? You sent a fucking assassin after True Name, sent him over to our house so he could hound May. What the hell are you even talking about? Of course I'm going to keep my fucking partner and friend safe if you're going to try killing them! Fucking\ldots{}\emph{`my skunks'}. Good Lord.'' + +Once ey'd finished and was left panting, Jonas sat up in the chair and grinned widely, clapping his hands. ``Mx. Ioan Bălan, such language! I didn't know you had it in you! Bravo.'' + +``Fuck you too.'' + +That grin lingered as Jonas gave a hint of a bow. ``Very well, Ioan. To your concerns, the bit with May Then My Name was unintentional. Our plan kicked off early and one of True Name said that she was with you. While I was pretty sure that meant your little coffee shop, I figured I'd stop by just to make sure. Guōweī got a little excited when he saw May Then My Name, thinking it might be his target. She's quite good at fighting, your girl. You have my most abject apologies. We should've just waited.'' + +``And True Name?'' + +``Ah yes your\ldots ah, friend, was it? Your friend and I had a meeting this afternoon where I was hoping to deal with all of that quietly and efficiently. Ah well, can't win 'em all, can you?'' He picked at his fingernails, looking the very picture of boredom. ``106 out of 109 isn't too bad, is it? Two merged down before I could get to them, so I guess that leaves just the one. Changes things a bit, doesn't it? On to plan B.'' + +``Plan A being to kill one of the most well-known members of one of the most well-known clades on all three Systems?'' + +``Yep!'' + +Ioan gaped at him. ``\,`Yep'? Just\ldots yep?'' + +Jonas laughed. ``That was the easiest one out of the bunch, I'll admit. I've got all the way through plan M, though, so don't worry, I've got it covered.'' + +``Fine. Enlighten me. What's plan B?'' + +``Well, it starts here,'' he said, nodding toward em. ``Where I bring you on as an amanuensis one last time while True Name and I hash things out. Now that she knows, I can't exactly do away with her. She's almost certainly told some of her friends by now, so that changes the game.'' + +``And you need me to sit and listen to you prattle on at her?'' + +``Yep, basically. I need you to witness and write about what happens and leave the rest of it to the grown-ups.'' + +Ey scoffed. + +``Sometimes mommies and daddies fight, Ioan,'' Jonas said, then winked. ``So. You're on as amanuensis. Go and tell True Name to ping when she's ready and we'll have our meeting. Oh! And bring May Then My Name and End Waking with, if you can, yeah? The whole stanza will be there.'' + +``Why on Earth would I--'' + +``And no assassins, promise. I only mixed up a batch for True Name, no one else. No one's going to die, we're just going to have a talk and hash out some new boundaries, and you're going to watch and write it up at the end.'' + +``And why should I believe you on that?'' + +He shrugged. ``You don't have to, but I am telling the truth, Ioan. If you and True Name don't show at the very least, you'd better plan on not leaving home or wherever you're staying ever again. Just because I \emph{didn't} mix up some syringes for you doesn't mean I \emph{can't}.'' + +``That's pretty dramatic.'' + +``I don't have the training your pretty little skunks have,'' he shot back. There was something vaguely feverish about him, running a little too hot. ``Just try and get everyone together and we can get this over with. There's no huge rush. Sometime within the year, okay?'' + +``Why?'' Ey shook eir head. ``Why do you need to talk with her and why do you need an amanuensis? You have to give me something, here.'' + +``No, Ioan, I don't,'' he said. ``Just tell True Name that I'm waiting. You can ask her all the questions you want.'' + +``Alright, fine,'' ey growled. ``Anything else?'' + +``Nope! That's it for me. You can go back to your hidey-hole and get all smoochy with--'' + +Ioan completed the gesture ey'd suppressed since the beginning, bouncing Jonas from the sim. Ey held back the urge to scream out into the yard just as True Name had done earlier at the lake. + +Ey sent May a quick I'm-okay ping, then started riffling through the perisystem architecture for information on how to completely sweep a sim. There was nothing in there ey could find about checking who was swept, but it was still possible to sweep everyone who didn't currently have their home set to the current sim, and to receive explicit confirmation that this had been completed and how many instances it affected. + +Focusing on the set of steps required, ey triggered the sweep, then checked the log that it had left, eyes-only, for em in the architecture. + +\emph{Seventeen swept.} + +``\emph{Să-mi fut una,}'' ey mumbled. Ey'd checked the whole of the inside of the house, and could see no footsteps out in the snow, so unless everyone was hiding under the balcony or up on the roof, ey'd clearly missed at least some of them inside. + +Now wasn't the time to be thinking about it, though. + +Ey spent the next five minutes locking down and fine-tuning the ACLs for the house. By the time it was done, the house would only let em and May in as owners along with anyone they intentionally brought with them by hand. It was also now marked as invisible to all but a short list of allowed individuals. Debarre, End Waking, True Name, A Finger Pointing, Douglas, and a dozen or so others ey could think of who might conceivably want to know when they were home. + +At last, ey stepped away from home and back to Arrowhead Lake. + +May was sitting on the shore of the lake, knees up to her chest with her arms hugged around them and chin rested atop. Ey rarely saw her sit that way with the pressure it put on the base of her tail, but when the skunk got truly lost in thought—or truly upset—she'd fall back on old habits at the expense of her body. + +Ey walked over to sit down beside her, sliding an arm around her waist. ``That's all done.'' + +The skunk nodded. ``Thank you, my dear.'' + +She'd clearly been crying, given the tear-streaks on her cheeks and the hoarseness in her voice. Ey tightened eir arm around her and kissed at the side of her muzzle. ``I'm sorry, May.'' + +``It is not on you, Ioan,'' she said, voice suddenly tight. ``All three of us can be sorry about the situation, but you are the least to blame of all of us.'' + +Ey couldn't think of anything to say that wouldn't just make her feel worse, so ey just helped her scoot closer and lean more heavily against em to take the pressure off her tail. + +``True Name just got up,'' ey said after a few minutes. ``I'll have some stuff to say when she's back. Jonas was at the house.'' + +May winced and nodded, scrubbing her paws at her face to wipe away a few fresh tears. ``Okay.'' + +``And I'm sorry to add on more stress, but I told you I'd tell you if I swept anyone while I was there, and the report says I swept seventeen instances.'' + +``Seven\emph{teen?!}'' The skunk groaned into her paws as she rubbed at her face again. ``They have been busy.'' + +``Who was it? The report didn't tell me.'' + +``Bugs,'' she said sourly. ``Little spies. People who fork to be small enough to hide on top of cabinets or behind pillows. Spy cameras that can think and act.'' + +Ey blanched. ``From Jonas?'' + +``Yes, and probably some from the clade. Some from the first stanza hired by him or True Name however long ago.'' + +``And they just listen and watch?'' + +``Creepy, is it not? I probably should have been more proactive about when I first moved in, but I did not think either of us interesting enough.'' + +``Very creepy,'' ey muttered. All of their talks, all of their discussions and jokes and arguments, all of their pleasant silences and moments of intimacy, all being watched. ``What a nightmare.'' + +She nodded. ``I am sorry, my dear. If it is of any consolation, they may not have been there the entire time, and I assure you that we really are quite boring. We have only had a few conversations of note over the last twenty-seven years, and the rest must have been excruciating to sit through.'' + +``Or incredibly awkward.'' + +The skunk gave em a quizzical look, then laughed. ``Gross, Ioan.'' + +``Not me! Them!'' + +``Yes, yes. I agree, awkward. But here comes True Name, no need to be more awkward than we already are.'' + +They stood up and brushed off their pants as the skunk came trudging around the last bend in the trail, looking utterly exhausted. + +``Thank you for giving me the space,'' she said, bowing. ``And my apologies for the trouble of today.'' + +``It's not--'' Ey caught emself up short and shook eir head. ``Well, are you okay?'' + +The skunk shook her head. ``I am not, no. I am very nearly on the edge of collapse. I feel like I could either sleep for three days straight or cry for three days straight. Both, if it were possible.'' + +May took a deep breath, held it for a slow count of three, and very carefully let it out. ``I am sorry, True Name.'' + +True Name stood rigid, jaw working as she clenched her teeth in an effort to maintain control. After several long seconds, she sniffled, opened her mouth to say something, then shook her head and bowed deeply. + +Watching nervously, Ioan fiddled with the hem of eir vest. So much had happened in the last hour and a half, and now this exchange between eir partner and her cocladist was enough to start that anxiety rising within em again. With True Name trying her best not to cry openly and May clutching tightly at eir arm, both of them interacting with each other was a different sort of stress than the assassination attempt, but no less intense. + +``True Name,'' ey said carefully. ``There's no rush, but Jonas was there at the house. We can talk about it later, but I figured I'd give you a heads up.'' + +The skunk gave up on maintaining her expression and hid her face in her paws, nodding. ``Thank you,'' she croaked. + +Once she'd washed her face and calmed down enough to speak, the three of them set to work deciding what the next steps were. May suggested they stay at the lake for the night, explaining that they'd need time to sort out a living situation for True Name and that she wanted to go over their place with a fine-toothed comb before spending the night there again, anyway. + +True Name merely nodded. ``Is there a place here that I can stay?'' she asked. + +May winced and shook her head. ``It would be camping. We can make that work for tonight if we can scrounge up some gear, but a long-term solution is not feasible. This is not our sim and we do not have ACLs to build here or remove any unwanted visitors.'' + +She nodded. ``I understand. I will dig--'' + +``You will stay with us,'' May said quickly, as though rushing to get it out before second-guessing herself, a sentiment echoed in her expression. + +Both True Name and Ioan stared at her until she wilted. ``I am sorry. I know that things have been difficult between us and that a large part of that is on me, but that does not mean that I do not want you safe. If we have a place that we have complete control over from ACLs to building, that is safer than this security-through-obscurity abandoned sim, and our proximity will discourage further attempts on your life.'' + +``I can mirror the house, I think,'' Ioan said, once the shock had worn off. ``That'll get you a bedroom and furnishings.'' + +The skunk looked as though she was fighting off another wave of tears, but she nodded. ``Thank you both. I do not wish to impose, but I greatly appreciate your help in the interim.'' + +May nodded in turn. After a moment's silence, she turned to Ioan and said, ``My dear, can you see if End Waking can help us out with some camping supplies? I do not trust our place enough to go back and create obvious camping goods.'' + +``Me?'' + +``Please.'' She sighed. ``I do not think I have the wherewithal to do so, myself. I do not want to go and cry in front of someone else. I do not want to feel like I am begging, even if help comes willingly.'' + +Ey hesitated, nodded, and sent End Waking a sensorium ping requesting a meeting, which was quickly acknowledged. ``Alright,'' ey said, forking off a new instance. ``Back in a few.'' + +End Waking and Debarre were waiting for em at the new entry point to his sim. + +``Hey, sorry for the short notice.'' + +End Waking bowed. ``It is no trouble, Ioan.'' + +``You taking up camping?'' Debarre asked, grinning and leaning in to shake eir hand. + +``Uh, no, not quite,'' ey said. ``There's been\ldots well. Our sim isn't guaranteed safe at the moment.'' + +They both perked up at this. + +``Not safe? What does that mean?'' Debarre asked. + +``I don't want to get too much into it,'' ey said, thoughts racing. ``But needless to say, May and I aren't safe there. Some really dramatic stuff happened and literally no one is happy.'' + +End Waking rested a paw on Debarre's shoulder before the weasel could speak again. ``Perhaps you can expand on this soon, but for now, what do you need?'' + +``I will, I promise.'' \emph{And apparently I need to if you're to come with,} ey added mentally. ``We need stuff to camp for the night at Arrowhead. We can't make anything there, and May's worried about us going back home to procure anything that might tip folks off.'' + +The skunk nodded, looked thoughtful for a few seconds, and then waved his paw, bringing into being between them two folding camp cots, two bedrolls, a tent, two bundles of firewood, and some simple food—bread, salami, and cheese. + +``I will come help you set up,'' he said. ``It is all fairly straightforward, but tents require four paws.'' + +Ioan sighed, nodded. ``Thank you, End Waking. We'll, uh\ldots we'll need three sets, though.'' + +He paused in the act of bending down to lift one of the cot-and-bedroll combos. ``You will need three?'' + +``And two tents.'' + +Apparently unable to hold back any longer, Debarre spoke up. ``Ioan, I'm gonna go crazy if you don't give me at least something, here.'' + +``As am I,'' End Waking said. + +``Right. Well, sorry in advance for the stress.'' Ey paused to collect eir thoughts. Adrenaline seemed to have burned through much of eir energy reserves. Not yet 14:00 and ey was feeling exhausted. ``Jonas tried to assassinate True Name and made her think it was about some `reactionary elements' or something. He got all but her root instance, and that only because we were out for coffee at the time. He and his assassin also paid our home a visit and they were going after May in the confusion, so we're hiding at Arrowhead for the night.'' + +Silence. Silence but for the sound of a nearby waterfall and a few far-off birds. + +``Well, fuck me,'' Debarre said at last, rubbing at his temples. ``May Then My Name and True Name are stuck together?'' + +Ey laughed, surprising even emself. ``Yeah. Assassins and politicians and whatever, and the weirdest thing about it is seeing them talking.'' + +End Waking stood a while in thought, then waved his paw again to create another cot, bedroll, and tent. ``I will help you set these up, but I will not speak with her.'' + +``Are you sure, E.W.?'' Debarre frowned down at the gear. ``I mean, I guess it's fine giving them stuff, but I'm not exactly comfortable with you being anywhere near her.'' + +The skunk nodded. ``I need to, my dear. I need to be better to her than she might be to me in this situation.'' + +Ioan frowned. Ey wasn't so sure that the True Name of 2350 would be so callous, but now didn't seem like the right time to argue the point. + +``If you say so,'' Debarre said sourly. ``But I'm staying here.'' + +After a moment's concentration, a second End Waking stood beside the first. ``I will be staying with you, my dear, do not worry. No need to risk more than a fork.'' + +Ey bent down to pick up the two bundles of firewood while the new instance of End Waking picked up one of the sets of gear and held out his paw. Ioan took it in eir hand and stepped back to Arrowhead Lake. They dropped off their loads, then returned to pick up the second two bundles and the tents. + +End Waking set to work immediately, picking out a flat spot in the trees to set up both tents. Ioan was pleasantly surprised when they turned out to be fairly modern gear—at least, modern to the 2100s—thin nylon with carbon fiber spars and a seal-strip entrance which was kept sheltered by a fold in the fabric. The camp beds were of a strong fabric lashed to carbon fiber frames by some springy cord, providing a reasonable amount of give. The bedrolls turned out to be sleeping bags with foam pillows that expanded quickly when the seal-strip was undone. + +Throughout the whole process, May, True Name, and eir down-tree instance sat by the edge of the lake, far off to the side. Ey couldn't tell if they were simply being silent or if they were talking in a cone of silence, but, other than a brief nod to End Waking from May, they seemed keen on taking the space for themselves. + +Once the tents and camp beds were set up and Ioan had been shown where and how to start the fire, End Waking bowed politely and said. ``We will talk soon, Ioan, I am sure. Until then, please keep you and yours safe.'' + +Ey nodded and returned the bow. ``Thanks again, End Waking. You've been a huge help today, and yes, we'll be in touch.'' + +When the skunk had left, ey quit and merged back down to eir root instance. + +``Well, that's us settled for the night, I guess,'' ey said. ``We've got stuff for sandwiches, if you're hungry.'' + +Both skunks shook their heads. + +``Alright,'' ey said. Ey wasn't either, ey realized. The tail end of eir anxiety just had em jittery, wanting to keep moving. Once ey set that aside, ey realized just how exhausted ey was. + +They sat in quiet well into the evening, instead, each of them trying to digest the day in their own way. diff --git a/mitzvot/content/old/011.tex b/mitzvot/content/old/011.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..48be6b6 --- /dev/null +++ b/mitzvot/content/old/011.tex @@ -0,0 +1,129 @@ +\begin{center}\rule{0.5\linewidth}{0.5pt}\end{center} + +``This has been far and away the worst Secession Day I have had,'' True Name said. + +Ioan and May both snorted, then worked to finish their bites so that they could apologize. + +``Sorry, True Name,'' Ioan said. ``I don't know if you had a lot planned, but I'm glad you at least made it through.'' + +``It is okay to laugh. There is little else to do in the face of it.'' She smiled weakly. ``I am sorry that you two have been dragged into it along with me.'' + +``It's alright.'' + +``Well, not alright, necessarily,'' May added. ``But I am glad that you are not dead.'' + +``Thank you, May Then My Name. I do appreciate it.'' + +They fell back to silence, then, Ioan and May self-consciously finishing their sandwiches while True Name simply stared into the fire. She had made herself half a sandwich, explaining that she wasn't terribly hungry, and had yet to touch it. + +Once they had finished, the skunk sat up straighter and said, ``I think that I have had sufficient space from it, now. Can you tell me what Jonas said?'' + +Ey shrugged. ``Not a whole lot, all told, especially given how much he talked. He said that he wants to meet up with you to discuss next steps and that he wants me there as an amanuensis so that I can write another book.'' + +She tilted her head. ``You?'' + +``Yeah. He said\ldots well, let me start from the top. He said he was waiting there for me to make sure that May and I were alright, that he was there to tidy up loose ends, and that, uh\ldots{}'' Ey hesitated, unsure of how well Jonas's next comment would go over with either of the Odists. ``And that he trusted that I'd, and I'm quoting here, `stashed my skunks away somewhere safe'.'' + +Both May and True Name bridled at this, likely for similar reasons. + +``Sorry. I kind of blew up at him for that.'' + +``\,`Blew up'?'' + +``Yeah, just yelled at him for sending assassins after you two—he confirmed that Guōweī mistook you for her, May—and told him to fuck himself.'' Ey shrugged helplessly. ``I was pretty upset, I guess.'' + +``I am surprised that you stuck around long enough to listen to him, my dear,'' May said. ``He sounds like he was in rare form.'' + +``I mean, I don't know what he's like the rest of the time, but he was doing a really good job of being as insulting as possible. The `my skunks' part. `I don't have the training your pretty little skunks have', he said, and `sometimes mommies and daddies fight'. All these little things.'' + +True Name ground the heels of her palms against her eyes. ``I am sorry that you had to go through that, Mx. Bălan. It does indeed sound like he was in fine form. Did he explain his reasons for having you along as amanuensis at all?'' + +``Just that he needed me to witness and write about what happens and leave the rest to the grown-ups.'' Ey thought back and shrugged. ``That was most of what he said. He wanted to talk with you, wanted me to witness, and wanted the whole stanza there.'' + +May frowned. ``Including me?'' + +``Specifically you and End Waking, yeah.'' + +``Why would I trust him on that?'' + +``I mean, I don't,'' ey said, tossing a twig at the fire. ``He said no assassins, but who knows what else he has planned. And it does sound like he has it planned, by the way, that plan A didn't pan out, so he moved on to plan B, that he had up through plan M.'' + +``And nothing else?'' True Name asked. + +``That's about it. I swept him after that. Swept the whole place.'' + +The skunk's ears splayed to the sides. ``A preemptive apology is likely in order.'' + +``Yes, it probably is,'' May said, voice low and flat. ``Loss For Images?'' + +``Yes. Her and Even While Awake.'' She bowed formally. ``I apologize, you two. It was decided prior to Launch to observe those involved with the project and not aligned with us.'' + +``Those were \emph{your} spies?'' ey asked, some part of em unwilling to believe, rebelling against the rest of em, which was thinking \emph{of course they were}. + +``Yes. I Am At A Loss For Images In This End Of Days and And I Still Dream Even While Awake rode shotgun in May Then My Name's fur and have been living there since, swapping out forks as needed. Again my sincerest apologies.'' + +``How many?'' + +``Instances?'' + +Ey nodded. + +``Five. One in the den, one in the bedroom, one extra in the kitchen, one on the balcony, one in the yard.'' + +``Who were the other twelve, then?'' + +She tilted her head quizzically. ``You swept seventeen? Those were likely Jonas's, I imagine, there to watch his plan unfold.'' + +May's voice was steeped in sarcasm as she spoke. ``Find out any juicy details?'' + +Her cocladist held up her paws. ``There is no excusing my actions. I know that there is little that I can do to earn your trust, May Then My Name, and at this point, even I suspect that I do not deserve it. There were few details of note enough to report back to me. We knew of your career changes. We knew of your\ldots your feelings towards me. We\ldots well, they learned about the Artemisians early on when you got your letter from Castor, though in the last decade, the reports that I have received have decreased in number, which I attributed to a lack of interesting goings on. That they did not report on that letter is a red flag I should have paid attention to sooner.'' + +Ey shot May a questioning glance, but she shook her head. \emph{Perhaps she really doesn't know about Codrin and the Name,} ey thought. + +``And why did you not?'' May asked instead. + +``Pay attention to the red flags?'' True Name stared at the fire for a long few seconds, then shrugged. ``I was overworked and being fed bad information.'' + +``You overworked yourself, you mean. 108 forks! Did you synchronize daily?'' + +``Of course. Why would I not?'' + +``How are you even still sane?'' Ioan asked. ``I'm surprised you aren't jumping at shadows, at this point.'' + +``I am sure I will be now,'' True Name said. + +``She is not sane at all, my dear,'' May said at the same time. + +They frowned at each other. + +\emph{I'm glad End Waking gave us two tents,} Ioan thought. \emph{It's been civil so far, but\ldots{}} + +Aloud, ey asked, ``So, what's next? We head back tomorrow and build you a room, but then what?'' + +``What is next is that I try to salvage what I can from this. I imagine that my options will be severely limited if I am to continue existing as I am and still meet Jonas's demands, but that does not mean that I will set my goals aside.'' + +``\,`Continue as you are'?'' May growled. ``I cannot believe--'' + +There was a moment of tense silence, her jaw working as though straining to hold back some larger outburst. + +Once she'd mastered it, she said in a tightly controlled voice, ``I am going to stretch my legs.'' + +``Be safe, May,'' ey said quietly, watching the skunk stand and stomp off toward the lake. + +True Name watched her estranged up-tree instance with nothing but exhaustion in her expression. + +``I'm sorry, True--'' + +She waved a paw at em. ``Please, Ioan, this is not your fault. It is not your battle,'' she said curtly. + +They sat in silence then, each of them looking into the fire, neither making eye contact with the other. For eir part, ey spent the time doing eir best not to kick emself for jumping right in to fix things. Ey knew perfectly well not to apologize for May, and yet there ey'd gone and done it. + +Ey couldn't guess what the skunk was thinking. + +Eventually, she stood from her log and bowed to em. ``I am sorry, my dear. I did not mean to get short with you. It has been a terrible day.'' + +``Oh, uh,'' ey stammered, flicking eir gaze her way. ``It's alright. I think we're all pretty messed up right now.'' + +``Well put,'' she said. ``I am going to try and sleep. Which one is mine?'' + +Ey pointed her toward the tent with one cot in it and watched her slip inside, then sat and waited for May to come back, staring at the fire and trying not to feel bad enough for the three of them. diff --git a/mitzvot/content/old/012.tex b/mitzvot/content/old/012.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..30bdf8f --- /dev/null +++ b/mitzvot/content/old/012.tex @@ -0,0 +1,111 @@ +\begin{center}\rule{0.5\linewidth}{0.5pt}\end{center} + +Everyone was off in the morning. Tired, grumpy, sore. + +The narrowness of the cots had frustrated Ioan and May throughout the night. They \emph{could} both fit on one, but only if they straightened out rather than their usual tight curl. At one point, they tried dragging the cots to be side by side, but the frames against each other made a hard ridge that was impossible to rest on comfortably. In the end, they'd fallen asleep, each on their own cot, facing each other with arms tangled enough to get at least some contact through the night. + +Whether or not True Name had actually slept seemed up in the air. She had shrugged noncommittally when asked, but it certainly didn't look like she had. + +Conversation was equally awkward. May apologized stiffly to her down-tree instance over breakfast of further sandwiches and True Name accepted graciously enough, but then they fell back into silence. + +After breakfast, there was little else to do but head back home. They left the camp set up. Ioan couldn't begin to guess how to take down the tents, given how distracted ey'd been while End Waking had been setting them up. \emph{Besides,} ey reasoned. \emph{Best to keep them around just in case things go sideways.} + +They decided to leave forks behind in case anything went wrong, then Ioan took each of the skunks' paws and stepped back home. + +True Name immediately wrinkled her nose at the sight out the picture windows into the back yard. ``Snow?'' + +``Ey is some sort of masochist,'' May said, \emph{sotto voce}. ``You will have to forgive em. Ey is working on it with Sarah.'' + +So out of place was the humor that it took em a moment to catch up. Ey laughed tiredly and shook eir head. ``For theatre nerds, you guys have no imagination. Coffee?'' + +May leaned up and dotted her nose against eir cheek. ``You, my dear, are an utter delight.'' + +True Name followed them into the den. ``Please. I am going to fall over if I do not have something.'' + +May flopped down onto her usual beanbag and rubbed her paws over her face while True Name sat quietly at the dining table and Ioan made coffee. ``If it is alright by you two, I am going to take a shower after coffee, as hot as I can stand,'' May said. ``And then we can work on the addition.'' + +``Sure. I can start by mirroring our room and then stripping personal items while you're getting cleaned up.'' + +``Thank you both,'' True Name said, tracing a claw along the wood grain on the table, an incredibly familiar gesture from years of living with May. ``Again, I mean. I really do appreciate all that you are doing. Perhaps we can discuss boundaries and expectations later, but I am also looking forward to a shower.'' + +Ioan nodded, finishing up the coffee prep—eirs black and both of the skunks' sweet and creamy—and carrying the mugs to each of them. ``I guessed,'' ey said, setting one down in front of True Name. ``Let me know if you need anything different.'' + +Ey sat down carefully by May and held both of their coffees while the skunk scooted in close against em as usual before handing hers over. It felt good to be back in a more comfortable setting, back where ey and May could could at least get close, even if everything still felt nerve-wracking. + +They drank in silence for a while, minus a thank you from each of the skunks, the three of them doing their best to un-cringe from last day's worth of anxiety. + +It worked a little too well, perhaps, as ey had to nudge May awake to finish her coffee and shower, and the prospect of levering emself out of the beanbag felt out of reach. All the same, ey needed to at least get the other room created, then perhaps the three of them could nap. + +Once May was on her way to the shower, ey stood, finished eir coffee, and began to work. Ey dumped a series of intents into the sim. A doorway cut itself out of the wall opposite the one to eir own bedroom. A room extruded itself beyond the doorway, filling itself with all of the very same stuff that eirs and May's contained. The sim's boundaries whined in protest at not having enough for the windows to look out on and, too tired to think of any other options, ey mirrored the view of the yard as well so that True Name's room looked out over yet more grass and dandelions. + +\emph{If she stays for any real length of time, maybe I can just mirror the rest of the house and she can have a full setup.} + +That was enough for now, though. Ey got started going through the room from top to bottom, wiping it of eirs and May's presence. Anything that wasn't the bed, the nightstands, and any other furniture was evaluated and either left for its decorative value or swiped away to nothingness. A damp May joined em partway through the exercise, and by the time they were done, the room was left clean and neat, sparsely decorated without being oppressively empty. + +``Hopefully it's not too bleak,'' ey said once May had fetched True Name. ``I gave you some ACLs over the space if you need to make or recycle anything. Just let me know if the room itself needs changing.'' + +She stood silent and still for nearly a minute, leaving em to fidget while May looked on, frowning. + +Finally, she cleared her throat and said hoarsely. ``This is more than enough, my dear. I do not know why you two\ldots but, well, I should get cleaned up and then we can talk proper. I am perhaps a little too emotional for that at the moment.'' + +May sighed, nodded. ``At your own pace.'' + +They both bowed and backed out of the room to let True Name shut the door behind her so that she could shower. May took eir hand in her paw and led em over to the bean bag to get comfortable once again. + +``You okay?'' ey murmured, once she was properly nestled against em, head tucked up under eir chin. + +``I am tired, Ioan. I am tired and I am stressed and I am\ldots I do not know. Conflicted, perhaps.'' + +``How do you mean?'' + +She shrugged. ``It is much easier to hate from a distance, especially when one is built as I am.'' + +``To love?'' + +She pressed her face against eir chest, sighed. + +Ey wanted to ask her how well that fit her monologue, that idea that to be built to love is to be built to hate yourself. Ey wanted to go back sixteen hours or however long it had been and kick Jonas's ass. Ey wanted to go back twenty-four hours and warn True Name, to go back three and a half years and warn the True Name ey'd first gotten coffee with. + +Instead, ey said, ``You're a good person, May.'' + +She tightened her grip around em. ``Thank you, my dear.'' + +When True Name finished her shower and grooming, looking far more herself than she had since the month before, they sat around the dining table to hash out boundaries. + +``I do not want to impose on you more than I already have,'' she began. ``I will certainly stay out of your private space, and I figure a closed door is a plain enough signal to be left alone. Should I stick to my room for the most part?'' + +May let out a snort of laughter. ``I am sorry, True Name. I do not mean to laugh, but I have never heard you so deferential in my life.'' + +The skunk canted her ears back. ``I am in shock, May Then My Name. My coworker of two centuries just tried to kill me. My life's work has been cut off from me. I have been invited to stay with one of the two up-tree instances of mine who dislike me the most, and I have never had to live with anyone before, not since before we uploaded. The offer remains for me to dig my own sim.'' + +May bowed her head apologetically. + +``I'd feel better if you stayed,'' Ioan admitted. ``It'd be too easy for you to either disappear into your new sim forever or wind up with another attempt on your life whenever you left.'' + +May nodded readily. ``You are safer here where no one can act openly against you. It may not be the most comfortable of situations, but I would also prefer that you not die.'' + +``Good points. Both of you. I would prefer not to die as well.'' She straightened up in her chair and smiled, a hint of that confidence showing through. ``So, to my question. Do you have any thoughts?'' + +``Closed doors means don't bother, stay out of each others rooms. Cones of silence and secure visual ACLs to be respected,'' ey said, then shrugged. ``But I think that's all obvious stuff. I don't see any reason for you to stay out of common areas, I guess, and I'm fine with you eating with us, too, but I also freely acknowledge that that's me speaking. I don't want you two, uh\ldots{}'' + +``Fighting and arguing should be avoided, yes,'' True Name said with a slight bow of acknowledgement. ``It is your house, though, and I know that our relationship is fraught. I will defer to May Then My Name, given the power dynamic and social restrict--'' + +``I promise that I will not try to pull out all of your fur or bounce you so long as you give us space when either of us ask, okay?'' + +The skunk blinked a few times, then smiled cautiously. ``Understood.'' + +``Wait, that easy?'' Ioan said. + +``Not everything need be complicated, my dear. Boundaries are most often found by crossing them. We will have negotiation ahead of us as well, I am sure.'' May shrugged, adding, ``This does not make our relationship any less complicated, but endlessly refining rules ahead of time will only stress all of us out.'' + +``I guess,'' ey mumbled. ``I just don't want you at each other's throats.'' + +``If we fight, we fight,'' she said. ``But if we are to be stuck together, then we will fucking get over it and have a civil house, at the very least. I will do all of the exercises Sarah has given me at once if that is what is needed to keep home from becoming unbearable.'' + +True Name nodded in agreement. ``I will do what I can to keep things comfortable and be out of your hair as soon as this is resolved. We will work it out if one of us gets upset. That includes you, Mx. Bălan. Please voice your concerns when they arise.'' + +Ey shook eir head. ``Alright, alright. Only concerns I have right now are taking a shower and a nap, then. I'll trust you two to make things work and will try not to mediate every single little disagreement.'' + +``Excellent. About fucking time,'' May said, patting eir hand. ``I will join you for the nap and try to be up for lunch.'' + +``Naps all around,'' True Name agreed. ``Again, thank you two.'' diff --git a/mitzvot/content/old/013.tex b/mitzvot/content/old/013.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..f10c07e --- /dev/null +++ b/mitzvot/content/old/013.tex @@ -0,0 +1,86 @@ +\vspace{-0.4cm} +\begin{center}\rule{0.5\linewidth}{0.5pt}\end{center} + +The next few days felt careful. They weren't walking on eggshells around each other, it was not a worry of offending, but they all seemed to be hyper-aware of each other's presence in the house. + +Ioan and May called out from their performances and when A Finger Pointing asked why, May spent half an hour locked in the bedroom on a silenced sensorium conversation. Ioan received a very sincere note soon after wishing all three of them well. While she'd never spent much time worrying about the things True Name did, A Finger Pointing's tireless desire to be friends with everyone did not exclude her cross-tree instance. + +For her part, True Name spent much of the first day silent in her room, though whether that was to sleep or to salvage the situation, ey couldn't tell. She poked her head out around dinner and said that she was too tired to join and that she would see them in the morning. + +Ey couldn't blame her. Even with the two hour nap before lunch, Ioan felt groggy and disoriented for the remainder of the day. \emph{I'm becoming like May,} ey thought. \emph{I don't sleep well alone, or even separated by camp bed frames.} + +All three of them slept in late the next morning, Ioan only rising at nine when ey received the gentlest possible sensorium ping from True Name. + +Ey found her in the kitchen, standing in front of the coffee machine, looking baffled. + +``I am sorry if I woke you, my dear. There are more buttons on this than I know what to do with.'' + +``It's alright. I went through a coffee phase years ago and wound up with this. I usually just tap here\ldots then here\ldots and then this last one for three cups.'' + +She bowed. ``Thank you. I would complain, but it does make good coffee.'' + +The skunk looked so much like eir partner that ey had to stop emself from reaching out to ruffle her ears. Ey disguised the motion as leaning back against the counter and rubbing the sleep from eir eyes. ``Good coffee's a necessity. Sleep alright?'' + +``Well enough, yes. It has been a few days since this instance has had the chance, so it was starting to build up.'' + +``Days? Good Lord. I don't know how you can do that.'' + +``Anxiety, caffeine, and 263 years of practice.'' + +Ey laughed. ``I don't know, I think it might be a you thing. May seems pretty fond of it.'' + +``An improvement, then,'' she said, grinning. ``Mugs?'' + +Ey showed her where they kept the mugs, then the cream and sugar for doctoring coffee and spoons for stirring. Once the pot finished brewing and all three cups had been poured, ey excused emself back to the bedroom with eirs and May's coffee to finish waking up with eir partner. + +And so it continued. They would speak in the morning and over dinner, perhaps a few times throughout the day, but otherwise, they worked on their own projects. They'd say good morning to each other, say good night to each other, say polite things in passing. Little of it felt like it was done out of kindness, but rather out of a need to remain cognizant of each other's presence, to keep a semblance of peace through performative normalcy. + +Even the weather felt careful. The snow first melted and then was replaced when a new storm lay down a delicate few inches. + +It was the third full day since their return when the spell was broken. Shortly after lunch, True Name stepped into May's field of view, bowed, and politely requested a conversation with her. + +The skunk frowned and beckoned her over to the couch. + +True Name apologized to Ioan, then set up a cone of silence with secure visual ACLs. + +Three days was just long enough to start building up the scaffolding of habits, such that Ioan was left anxious and jittery when they were jostled. Seeing it from the outside for the first time, ey was left with a slight sense of disorientation from the way the cone blurred both the occupants and the background, the edges of its boundaries unnervingly sharp. + +There was nothing to be gained from watching the indistinct shapes within. A quiet conversation had them simply looking like two black forms against the relative brightness of the balcony. Ey couldn't see expressions, couldn't see but the most grandiose of body language. + +And yet ey watched, slipping over to the kitchen to clean, or at least dream up some chore that needed doing there, just so that ey could keep an eye on the cone. + +It was boring, and that it was boring only drove eir anxiety higher. + +The conversation lasted nearly an hour, and when the cone dropped, ey was greeted once again by the sight of the two skunks. To say that neither looked happy missed the mark: True Name had a dullness to her expression, something between hopelessness and resignation, while May looked apoplectic. She'd clearly been crying quite hard at one point. + +Ey ducked around the kitchen counter as quickly as ey could. ``May? True Name? Are you--'' + +May waved a paw dismissively and blipped out of the sim. There was a sensorium ping a moment later, a view of Arrowhead Lake. + +``What just happened?'' + +True Name shrugged, the movement looking as though she was struggling against dozens of gravities rather than just one. ``I explained what has been happening.'' + +Ey frowned, feeling eir own anger rise out of anxiety. ``Well? What's been happening? I don't exactly like seeing her that upset.'' + +``No, I imagine not.'' She sighed and slouched against the back of the couch, rubbing at her forehead. ``I explained the shift between Jonas and I over the last twenty-five years. I explained the last few weeks.'' + +``And pissed her off.'' + +She rolled her head to the side, enough to get a sidelong glance at em. ``I am sorry, Ioan. I cannot be the only one to know these things. I have had all of my existing support removed. All of my forks, all of my cocladists, most of my friends. I have had to cancel all of my appointments with Sarah. It is small consolation, I am sure, but I have left May Then My Name angrier at Jonas than I think she ever was at me.'' + +Ey blinked and straightened up. ``At Jonas?'' + +She let her head slip back down off the back of the couch, looking down at her paws. ``I cannot tell you, Ioan. Not yet.'' + +``Nothing?'' Ey shook eir head. ``Sorry, True Name, I'm not asking you to betray a secret or anything. I'm just worried.'' + +``I understand, my dear.'' There seemed to be more coming, but she sat for another minute or so, just staring down at her paws on her lap. + +``I'm sorry, True N--'' + +``What was it that he said to you? `Sometimes mommies and daddies fight'?'' + +``Wait, but\ldots what?'' + +She shrugged again, slowly rolled up off the couch to her feet, swayed for a moment, then walked off to her room, the door snicking shut behind her. diff --git a/mitzvot/content/old/014.tex b/mitzvot/content/old/014.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..ddafa92 --- /dev/null +++ b/mitzvot/content/old/014.tex @@ -0,0 +1,201 @@ +\hypertarget{debarre-2350}{% +\chapter{Debarre — 2350}\label{debarre-2350}} +\markboth{Debare — 2350}{} + +The next few days after Ioan's visit and brief explanation about what had happened with True Name were full of long walks and longer silences. End Waking politely requested that Debarre remain behind for the majority of the walks. + +There was a sense in the air that the skunk wanted to ask him to leave again, to fall back into solitude and, though he'd never use the word around him, moping. He'd still talk, still hold up his end of the conversations, but always there would be a slight pause before speaking, always a bit more distance than usual, always something out in the forest that called to him just that much more strongly than the weasel before him. + +It was never comfortable to be asked to leave one's partner. He knew the reasons, could understand the drive, but to build a relationship up over however many decades it was now, and yet still need to put it on hold for months or, on one occasion, years at a time still hurt. + +He knew he had a temper, too. He'd spent the last centuries going all the way back to Cicero's death working on setting that aside when he could feel it getting too hot within him. He always worked his hardest at that around End Waking. He loved the skunk, wanted nothing but the best for him, and although he knew that End Waking was one of the more resilient Odists, he had also known Michelle far longer than\ldots well, just about anyone possibly could, now. Two and a half centuries was a long time to understand just how the other person processes pain and trauma, and he didn't want to add to any of the Odists' burden, having spent so long with them from the beginning. From before the beginning, in some senses. + +Well, except perhaps True Name. + +There were few enough people he hated in the world, though certainly a great many who grated on his nerves. True Name and her ilk, though, were universally among that number. He knew he could never hurt anyone, but, well, everyone had their fantasies. He knew he should never wish harm befall anyone, but some people\ldots{} + +This latest development was putting this to the test. + +He'd continue the work on the cabin while End Waking went for his walks—they'd gotten the floor and stove in place, as well as the A-frame, but the canvas of the tent still needed to be strung, and he had a few ideas for improvements—and all the while, he'd swing steadily between the poles of feeling nauseous at the thought of one less fraction of his friend in the world, one more death of one of the lost, and wild fantasies of popping champagne upon hearing that her final instance had been destroyed. + +Part of him wondered if End Waking was going through the same. He wanted to ask, but didn't want to risk that pushing the skunk over into requesting that he leave with the tent not yet complete. + +So, Debarre just kept working, kept fantasizing. He'd gotten the last of the canvas lashed down over the sides of the frame and was on to working on the front wall of the tent. At least there was productivity to lean on, even if he couldn't lean on his boyfriend at the moment. + +He jumped, startled out of work and reverie by two sensorium pings in short order. The first came from End Waking, the word `company' muttered quietly, and the second was a ping of arrival from the sim itself. + +With the new tent, End Waking had made the default entry point around a small rise from home, leaving it a short walk around—or a shorter but much steeper dash up and over—the ridge. + +Debarre opted for the up and over, nearly tumbling down the other side of the hill to where the form knelt in the clearing. End Waking was just making his way through the trees on the opposite side, so they converged on the visitor at the same time. + +May Then My Name was sobbing. It looked as though she had been for a bit, too, judging by the mess of tear-tracks in the fur of her cheeks. + +There wasn't much that he could think of to say, so he awkwardly shifted from a crouch to a kneeling position beside her, wrapping his arms around her shoulders and gently tugging her against him. Although he rarely had reason to comfort May Then My Name in particular, it was familiar enough from all the way back at the Crown Pub when Sasha'd come back from some break-up or another. + +``I will get water,'' End Waking murmured, leaving the physical comfort to someone better able to provide such. + +Her cry must have been nearing its end before she arrived, as she'd settled down to sniffles by the time her cocladist arrived with an enamel mug of water and a damp rag. + +``Can you drink, May Then My Name?'' he said gently. + +She nodded and accepted the mug with both paws to hold it steady, taking a few unsteady laps of the water before simply clutching it to her chest. ``Thank you,'' she croaked, freeing up a paw to use the damp rag to wipe her face. ``I am sorry for so dramatic an entrance.'' + +``Hush. You are fine,'' End Waking said. ``Everything sounded quite dramatic indeed. Please take your time, and we can discuss it later.'' + +She nodded, slouched a little further against Debarre, and sighed shakily. + +He shot a quizzical look over to End Waking, who sent a brief sensorium ping in return. She must have explained a good bit more before arriving, then. + +They sat like that for another five minutes or so, another few bouts of tears hitting the skunk while he tried to be as steady as he could for her, petting over her ears and murmuring reassurances. She'd leaned on AwDae more often than she had on him, all those years ago, but a friend's shoulder was a friend's shoulder, and he'd always offered when he could. This was, he supposed, no different. + +When she was finally able to pull herself together enough to walk, Debarre helped her to stand and the three of them made their way back to the tent. He sat her down on one of the two fallen tree trunks that had been set before the tent to either side of the fire pit, then took her mug to refill it while End Waking started a small fire. It wasn't that cold out, but warmth was warmth, comfort was comfort. + +With the cup safely back in her paws, Debarre sat beside May Then My Name once more, arm around her shoulder. ``Feel up to talking about it?'' + +``Um, a little, maybe,'' the skunk said, voice raw. ``Just in general.'' + +He nodded. + +``True Name has been staying with us the last few days.'' + +``Sounds miserable. + +She smiled halfheartedly. ``Ioan expanded the house out to the other side with a separate bedroom. She has been spending most of her time in there, doing whatever it is that she does. Perhaps she is still pulling strings somewhere, I do not know. I do not particularly care.'' + +``I'm surprised you let her move in there,'' he said sourly. + +After a long pause, the skunk mumbled, ``It was my idea. I insisted, Ioan agreed.'' + +``Why?'' End Waking asked from where he crouched beside the fire. + +``I have incomplete thoughts. In terms of logistics, it made sense to have her where Jonas could not act against her.'' + +End Waking nodded. ``Yes, but why? Why did you not just let her build herself a new home? Leave her to her own devices until time, Jonas, or madness took her?'' + +May Then My Name averted her gaze. ``I do not want her to die. I do not want her gone.'' + +The other skunk went silent, staring at her for a long moment before getting back to building the fire up to a comfortable level. + +``I'm guessing it's the non-logistical side of things that's complicated,'' Debarre said. + +``Yes. I seem to be cursed to think about her and after everything, I do not know why it is that I care about her.'' She sniffled and scrubbed her face with the rag as though to preemptively snap herself out of an oncoming wave of emotion. ``It has not been all that bad, really. Awkward, yes, but she spends most of her time in her room except at breakfast and dinner. Today, though, she requested to talk with me, and\ldots I cannot even begin to comprehend the specifics, but Jonas has\ldots ha-has been\ldots{}'' + +Debarre rubbed at May Then My Name's back when that wave of emotion finally washed over her. + +``I am sorry, Debarre. It was a lot,'' she mumbled. ``Jonas has been playing her for centuries now. He has been structuring her life for her in such subtle ways that even she was not able to see it. She\ldots well, something happened a few years after launch. A trap of sorts. Jonas's plans hit all at once and she has been working under his thumb since then.'' + +They sat in silence for a bit, Debarre racing through various questions, rejecting each as too personal, too mean, too off-topic. Finally, he asked, ``So, why are you so upset?'' + +``That is where the specifics I cannot mention lay. Beyond that, though, I am just\ldots torn. I am torn. I want to kick her out. I want to invite Jonas over and have him bring his pet assassin. I want her to disappear into ignominy.'' She took a deep breath, continued, ``But I also want her to get out of this mess. I may not want her around, but I want her to find something—anything—else to do with her life and to not have to deal with that living, breathing sack of shit anymore. No one should have to deal with that.'' + +``E.W. said he needed to be better than her. Sort of like that?'' + +She shrugged. ``I do not know. It does not feel accurate for me to say that, but I cannot explain why.'' + +``Well,'' he said, waving the point away. ``I'm with you on the feeling torn bit, at least. Was just thinking about that when you showed up. Like, would I celebrate if she died? Or would I feel like there was just that much less of you around?'' + +``You think about it from the outside, my love,'' End Waking said. ``You think about who we were. You have the capacity to do so. May Then My Name and I have diverged so far from True Name that she has become a new entity, and I do not think that we can so easily see Sasha in her.'' + +May Then My Name nodded toward End Waking. ``And that is the source of at least some of my resentment towards her. I cannot see Sasha in her, and yet I was created from her. I see that of Sasha in myself, the caring side of her who got lost looking for lost friends, and while I can \emph{remember} those few years that I was True Name, I am not that person. I do not feel like I ever was that person. Becoming me was waking up from a dream.'' + +``A nightmare, perhaps,'' the other skunk murmured. + +``You and I have different resentments. I would say an unnerving dream that makes me all the happier to be what I am now.'' + +``You are a better person than I.'' + +Debarre threw a twig at his boyfriend. ``No moping. You're both good people. Jury's out on True Name, but given that you two get so fucking upset whenever she's around, I'm leaning towards not so good.'' + +End Waking smiled. It was slight, but he was pleased to see it all the same. + +``Qoheleth, poor, stupid man that he was, had much that he was correct about, but one thing that he completely failed to understand was growth,'' May Then My Name mused. ``There is plenty of growth, here. That is perhaps the one thing we have more than memory, the one thing that protects us from too much memory. All that time may still drive us mad, but at least we have the ability to grow to the point where we are no longer True Name.'' + +``A-fucking-men.'' + +She laughed. ``Right? Thank you two for talking, though. I know it is not really a pleasant topic, but it has helped me immensely.'' + +Debarre squeezed her around the shoulders. ``Of course, skunk.'' + +``You feel so much more than I do,'' End Waking said. ``So I cannot understand the ways in which you are torn. There is also much more than I think you are saying--'' + +``There is, yes. Sorry.'' + +``--and so I cannot offer much in the way of advice, but I can welcome you to my forest and offer you company and a meal. Will you be staying for dinner?'' + +``I would like to, yes.'' She hesitated, then added, ``True Name has joined us for dinner these last few days, and I would like a break.'' + +``Are you opposed to an early dinner, Debarre?'' + +``\,'Course not. If you cook, May Then My Name and I can get the cot in the tent. + +They broke from there. May Then My Name forked several times over to help him in repopulating the inside of the tent with the necessities while End Waking made venison cutlets and savory corn griddle cakes. + +``There's still a lot we need to do in here, so we can't drag everything in yet,'' the weasel explained as they returned to where End Waking's goods were stored under a canvas tarp. ``But getting a few essentials in here will help in the meantime. Hopefully just a few more days and we'll be all set again. I think E.W. may kick me out at that point.'' + +``So soon?'' + +``He called me back in the middle of a solitary spell, remember?'' + +She nodded. ``Well, yes, but I had hoped that\ldots well, I am sorry, Debarre. I imagine it must be difficult.'' + +``A little. I miss him when I'm gone, but I usually merge back down and get to focusing on whatever \#Tracker is up to, then re-fork when he's up to having me around again.'' + +``We are different in that respect, I guess. If Ioan requested six months of time away from me I think I would have a pretty rough time of it.'' + +He laughed and ruffled a paw over her ears. ``I think you'd fucking explode. Thankfully, ey doesn't seem like the type.'' + +She nodded gratefully. ``Ey does not, no. I am just sorry that I was too heated to stick around and talk with em about this. Thank you again, Debarre. I needed to talk about it, just with someone who has an appropriate distance from the topic. I cannot overstate how terrifying what she said was.'' + +``Uh, of course, May Then My Name. Can you tell me any more about it?'' + +``Perhaps over dinner, my dear. I need food, and I need to talk to your boyfriend.'' + +Dinner, it turned out, was not long in coming. Well-seasoned deer and griddle cakes cooked in the grease. ``I have made them with too much salt just for you, May Then My Name,'' he said with a polite bow. + +She stuck her tongue out at him. ``Much appreciated. It tastes almost like normal food.'' + +He made a rude gesture at her, but grinned all the same. + +``So,'' Debarre said between bites. ``Anything else you can tell us about what True Name said?'' + +The other skunk stacked a bite of griddle cake on top of a bite of venison and chewed thoughtfully. At last, she sighed,\linebreak\ saying, ``I do not want to talk about too much of it, not aloud. It is too close to the surface as yet and I will turn into a sobbing\pagebreak\ mess. Again, I mean.'' + +``Of course, no rush.'' + +``Right. Well, Jonas got her involved with something in the late 2130s. It was sort of a side\ldots thing, very hush-hush but it still has taken up at least a small part of her attention ever since. It was all very low-level stuff—low enough that it flew beneath even her radar—and I guess after Launch, he dropped it all on her in a meeting similar to what he had promised for Secession day. All that time had turned into a lever to use against her, and I think that, whether she realizes it or not, relatively little has been done of her own accord since then here on Lagrange.'' + +Debarre nodded, waiting for her to say more, to which she eventually shook her head. ``I am sorry. I need at least a few days to be able to process it. I cannot even think about it without wanting to\ldots I do not know. I want to quit and force a merge on her. I want \emph{you} to force a merge on her,'' she said, nodding to End Waking. ``I want her to know something other than herself.'' + +The skunk sat up straighter. ``So you have hinted, yes. Why, though? Why would you want her to feel that resentment? Why do you think she would be able to internalize my penance? Why the fuck do you--'' + +``E.W.,'' Debarre murmured. ``Cool it.'' + +He tugged his hood down lower over his head and stayed silent for several seconds. ``I am sorry, May Then My Name. I did not mean to yell. It is just that I worked hard at getting where I am now, and if she is to feel any—\emph{any}—remorse about what she has done with her life, I would like for her to come by it honestly, and if she does not, then I would like her to face the consequences of her actions.'' + +``I do at least understand that,'' May Then My Name said cautiously. She had shied away from her cocladist at the force of his words, but the apology and explanation drew her back. ``You do not need to answer now, or ever for that matter, but is it something you would at least consider?'' + +``Perhaps. I do not feel the need to engage with her as you seem to, but there is little enough engagement in merging down. If I had not made my rejection of what she is a part of my identity, if I could let that go, then I would rescind my membership from the clade just to sever what ties of association remain.'' + +``Would you just be End Waking of no clade, then?'' + +``Perhaps I would just call myself E.W., my love.'' + +Debarre grinned. ``Excellent.'' + +``You two are disgusting,'' May Then My Name said. ``Please keep up the good work.'' + +``You're one to talk, smartass. You and Ioan could make my teeth rot.'' + +``I have em well trained, do I not? Perhaps I will make em an honorary member of the clade in your stead.'' + +End Waking smirked. ``Would ey take my name, then?'' + +``No, we would have to give em a similarly Odist name. Some silly line of poetry, a few nonsense words smashed together. Gentle Confusion or something.'' + +They laughed. + +``Where I Am Overcome By Gentle Confusion of the Ode-Bălan clade,'' Debarre said. ``And I'd be something like Even Real Shitheads Know Their Dreams.'' + +May Then My Name flicked a crumb of griddle cake at him. ``Good job on the first name, not so much on the second. I do not think it fits the tone very well, even if you are a bit of a shithead.'' + +``Confirmation at last,'' End Waking said dreamily. diff --git a/mitzvot/content/old/015.tex b/mitzvot/content/old/015.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..97826a0 --- /dev/null +++ b/mitzvot/content/old/015.tex @@ -0,0 +1,111 @@ +\vspace{-0.2cm} +\begin{center}\rule{0.5\linewidth}{0.5pt}\end{center} +\vspace{-0.2cm} + +Having sent May Then My Name home with a few extra griddle cakes and then run out of daylight, Debarre and End Waking gave up on any additional work for the day. The tent was livable, if incomplete, and a bit of a break felt nice, anyway. They sat beside each other before the fire and watched the flames, not speaking, simply enjoying the warmth and each other's company. + +At least, Debarre enjoyed the warmth and the feeling of his boyfriend beside him. He couldn't tell what End Waking was thinking or feeling. He'd not said a word since wishing his cocladist goodbye and good luck. + +``Thanks for letting me stay, E.W.'' + +``Mm? Of course, my love. I am glad for your help and your company.'' + +He nodded. Silence fell again. End Waking put another log on the fire. + +``I know that I am a less-than-ideal partner, Debarre. I \emph{do} love you, I promise.'' + +\emph{Here it comes.} ``Love you too, E.W. Want some space after we're done with the camp?'' + +``Please,'' the skunk said after a long pause. ``I do not like sending you away, but so much has happened this last week, these last few months\ldots{}'' + +He scooted closer to End Waking and slipped an arm around his waist. It was probably more affection than the skunk would have preferred at the moment, but he needed at least something to go with that statement. End Waking seemed to realize this, as well, and although he didn't reciprocate the affection, he did at least relax against Debarre's side. + +``What do you suppose they are doing on Artemis?'' End Waking asked, staring at the fire rather than up to the stars. + +``Hmm? My guess is that everyone's getting settled in by now. All those who went along with have probably dug homes or whatever they call it in the fifthrace area, and some are probably getting pretty good at\ldots uh, \emph{Nanon}, was it?'' + +``Did Debarre\#Castor go with?'' + +``No, actually. He still hasn't told me why, either. He's at least spent quite a bit of time in Convergence. Lots of visiting with Codrin and Dear. Have you heard from them? They've quite a name for themselves there, apparently.'' + +``Only when Dear writes clade-wide. It and I were never as close as we could have been. It sounds happy, at least, and passes on good stories.'' + +He laughed. ``I can't imagine anything but, honestly. Any news of the others?'' + +``Codrin sounds unhappy, and I cannot quite piece together why.'' + +``Really? Like, with eir new job?'' + +``Oh, no, ey still seems quite pleased with that from the text, but the subtext is that ey is displeased in some other, more fundamental way. I always get that sense when news includes the topic of Artemis.'' + +``What about Sorina, though? Doesn't ey have connections through her?'' + +The skunk shrugged. ``I do not know. These communications are simple family letters or those little quippy snippets that Dear is so fond of. Nothing in depth.'' + +Debarre hesitated, unsure of how to broach the question. \emph{No way out but through,} ey thought, saying, ``What about True Name\#Castor? Anything from her?'' + +``Not you, too,'' he said with a groan. ``I cannot seem to escape her today, can I?'' + +``Sorry, E.W.'' + +He sighed. ``No, it is okay. If that is what is happening, then that is what is happening, and we are bound to talk about it. One moment, then.'' + +There was a long silence from End Waking. Debarre imagined him trudging through exos, reading back through clade communiqués that his down-tree instance over on the LV had sent back. + +``She remains herself,'' he said at last. ``I mean truly herself, not the bent and twisted True Name of Lagrange. Competent, confident, in complete control. She strives behind the scenes in both Convergence and the rest of Castor as she always has.'' + +``\,`Bent and twisted'? I mean, she sounds like she's having a rough time of late, but that bad?'' + +``This is also subtext, my dear. The True Name of Lagrange no longer writes the same way as the True Name of the LVs. True Name\#Castor is as True Name was back before Launch, and True Name\#Pollux has settled down with Zacharias and sits on the Guiding Council, whatever that is. The one here is\ldots{}'' He frowned, visibly hunting for words. ``She is no longer what she was. She is middle-management. She is overworked and underappreciated. She continues on with her plans, to which I assume she still clings tight, but that comes with a sense of desperation that I cannot otherwise place. She is bent and twisted nearly to the point of fatigue, as when one bends a paperclip until it snaps.'' + +``Is that why you think May Then My Name wants you to merge down?'' + +``To break her, you mean?'' + +Debarre nodded. + +``Perhaps, yes. She shared more with me before she arrived and I do\ldots I do see the reasoning behind her request. What that actually means to her, however, I am not sure. Does she want to shock True Name into becoming whatever she considers a real person? Does she want to break her out of rigidity and make her more complete? Does she want her to move beyond whatever this unspeakable atrocity is through force alone? I do not know.'' + +``Maybe just hurt her without killing her,'' he added. + +End Waking looked at him sharply, then subsided. ``Also a possibility. Had you suggested that a decade ago, I would have been quite upset, because I do not think that who May Then My Name used to be could possibly have been so vengeful, but I am not sure that that is the case anymore.'' + +``Is that such a bad thing, though?'' Debarre frowned, hunting for words. ``I mean, I love her, I think she's one of the best people I've ever met, but she was almost a caricature with how sweet she was. If she can be anything other than head-over-heels in love with everyone she meets, wouldn't that mean that she's a more complete person, too?'' + +The skunk tensed and carefully scooted an inch or two away from Debarre, gently nudging the weasel's arm from around his waist. + +``Shit, I'm sorry, E.W. I didn't mean to offend.'' + +He laughed. A short, sharp bark of a laugh that was more bitter than amused. ``Fuck you, Debarre. Fuck you and how right you are.'' + +Debarre blinked, nonplussed. + +``You are right. It is terrible that she has to hate someone to be more complete, but you are right. However, my love,'' End Waking said, grinning humorlessly. ``That means—that \emph{must} mean—that the same holds true for me, caricature of penance that I am.'' + +He laid his ears flat, nodding. ``Sorry, E.W.'' + +``I do not know what a more complete version of myself looks like. I do not know how to attain that. I have no up-tree instances who have led earnestly happy lives to merge down and complement my fundamentally unhappy one. Perhaps that is why May Then My Name's idea rankles. Should I merge down and True Name learn to repent, learn to become more whole, then she will have done so without the work of actually having done so. Should I become happier, then I must work further years.'' + +``I dunno, is that true? I mean, yeah, she in her current form won't have done the work of repenting. Her body won't have been the one living out here in the middle of nowhere, but she'll have\ldots when did you last merge down?'' + +``I do not remember.'' + +Debarre squinted. ``I don't think it works that way.'' + +``I do not remember, Debarre,'' End Waking said tiredly. ``Sometime before the first centennial.'' + +He held up his paws, surrendering the point. ``Then she'll have more than a century's worth of work dumped on her, and she'll be the one who has to process that and try to integrate it. Can you imagine how fucked that'd feel? Can you imagine what she'd become?'' + +``Do \emph{you} think I should merge down?'' End Waking growled. + +``I don't know, E.W. I really don't. Let's drop it, though, okay? I'm just gonna keep on hurting you if we keep this up, and I \emph{really} don't want that.'' + +The skunk sighed, nodded, and, after a moment, reached out and took Debarre's paw in his own. ``I am sorry I got so worked up. I do need a break from the topic, though. Thank you, my love.'' + +He smiled cautiously and gave that paw a little squeeze. + +They sat in silence for the rest of the night, then, watching the fire burn low until the skunk put it out. They stripped down for bed and, for the first time in months, climbed into their cot within their tent—theirs at least until the need for solitude struck full force again. They shared their wordless intimacies and then curled together for sleep. + +``You know that she will have memories of this, too, my love,'' End Waking murmured. + +``Let her,'' he said, yawning. ``You're more complete than you give yourself credit for. If the goal is for her to have some semblance of that, let her.'' diff --git a/mitzvot/content/old/016.tex b/mitzvot/content/old/016.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..f3f45f8 --- /dev/null +++ b/mitzvot/content/old/016.tex @@ -0,0 +1,155 @@ +\hypertarget{ioan-bux103lan-2350}{% +\chapter{Ioan Bălan — 2350}\label{ioan-bux103lan-2350}} +\markboth{Ioan Bălan — 2350}{} + +With May out of the house and True Name doing\ldots well, whatever it was that she did in her room by herself, Ioan was left emotionally and intellectually stalled out, stuck by emself in an empty den. Ey sat for a while on the couch, staring out into the slowly melting snow on the deck and ruminating. Then, giving in to the urge to pace, ey slipped on the boots ey kept for just such occasions and slowly tramped a ring around the outer edge of the yard, first reveling in the crunch of the icy top layer of the snow, then the sweat ey worked up when, on the third lap, the snow began to drag at eir feet, and then finally the solidity of the uneven path ey'd worn down into the snow, a marker of energy spent. + +The pacing gave em time and space. It let eir emotions spool out into nothingness while eir thoughts were left crunched beneath the treads of eir boots. Ey didn't know what ey thought about. Ey didn't know what ey felt. Ey just walked. + +Ey knew that, at one point, ey wondered if eir command to mirror the back yard for True Name's room meant that it made a new back yard or whether it just mirrored the view out the window. If it were the latter, would she be watching em? Would she be wondering why ey walked? Would she scoff? Would she wish for a way to crush her own worries down into the ice? + +And then the train of thought was gone, lost amid some whorl in the steam of eir breath. + +An hour's walking gained em sore hips, a sweat-soaked shirt, and a well-trod trail around the outside of the yard. + +``Fucking cold,'' ey grumbled, stomping the lingering snow off eir boots and the hems of eir slacks on the way up the stairs to the balcony. Ey kicked the boots off outside the door and shuffled inside. Ey could fork emself warm and dry, sure, but why do that when there was a perfectly good shower right there? + +So, ey lingered under the hot water for fifteen minutes, and instead of whorls of breath, the crunch of ice, the nothingness of slate-gray skies, eir thoughts and emotions dribbled down eir face in rivulets of water, swirled once, twice, disappeared down the drain. + +\emph{Dissociating,} ey thought, laughed to no one. + +Brushed eir hair. Stared, unseeing, at emself in the mirror. Dressed in clean clothes—sweater vest? Sweater vest—and wound up sitting on the couch once more. + +True Name peeked out of her room and bowed to em from just outside her door. The sound of the door and the movement out of the corner of eir eye startled em back to reality. ``Sorry, True Name. Everything okay?'' + +``Yes, thank you, Mx. Bălan.'' She smiled apologetically—such a strange look on her. ``I am not the greatest of cooks, but would you like me to make dinner tonight? I do not believe May Then My Name will be joining us, and it is getting dark.'' + +``Huh?'' Ey whirled back around toward the picture windows and frowned. Sure enough, it was dimming into evening already. ``Oh, well, sure, I guess. I'm sure whatever you make will be fine. Sorry I'm so spacey.'' + +The skunk padded into the kitchen and waved the apology away with a paw. ``You are fine, my dear. You are allowed to space out. It has been a dramatic few days, so I do not blame you. Can you please grant me ACLs enough to create ingredients?'' + +After a pause to will it so, ey nodded. ``Sure, should be good now.'' + +``Thank you.'' + +Ey felt strange staring out into the yard—the opposite direction of the kitchen—while True Name cooked, so ey grabbed a notebook and moved to the dining table where, should ey be able to pull eir thoughts together, ey could write, and if ey couldn't, ey could at least talk with the skunk without twisting around in eir seat. + +Ey could not, it turned out. Ey flopped the notebook shut again and leaned back in eir chair. ``What're you cooking?'' + +``Chicken\ldots rice\ldots stuff. It is college food.'' + +Ey laughed. ``Right, I'm familiar. Sounds good. Certainly cold enough out there.'' + +``Of course, yes. May Then My Name would have the same recipe, would she not?'' The skunk clattered about for a few more minutes, and then, apparently satisfied, leaned back on the counter behind the stove. ``I do not understand your affection for the weather, but I am happy to make warm things while it is about.'' + +``Hopeless romanticism, I guess,'' ey said. ``But whatever. Are you feeling better?'' + +True Name shrugged, eyes locked in a glassy stare out the windows. ``I do not know if better is the correct word. I feel lighter, perhaps, having said what I did to May Then My Name. Conflicted, as well, that I feel lighter and yet she feel the burden of knowledge heavy enough to need to step away. For that, I apologize.'' + +Ey nodded. ``She sent me a few brief pings. She's with End Waking and Debarre at the moment. No clue when she'll be back.'' + +``I am pleased to hear that she is safe.'' + +``Now that you've had some space from it, can you tell me any more about what you told her that set her off?'' + +``I am not ready to get deep into it, Ioan, I hope you understand.'' + +``Of course. I'm just worried. I guess. Did it have to do with her specifically?'' + +She didn't respond. The skunk's gaze never wavered. Her posture remained relaxed and comfortable, and for that, ey felt all the more anxious. + +``Well, maybe you can tell me what spurred the conversation?'' + +``Right, yes,'' she said, deflating somewhat with a sigh. ``What do you believe, Ioan?'' + +``Excuse me?'' + +``What do you believe? You do not strike me as religious, but surely you believe in something. The sanctity of life? Love? Art?'' + +Ey sat up straighter, frowning at her. ``That's a surprisingly difficult question to answer.'' + +``It is not at all surprising. It is easy to provide a noun and say that one believes in that. The irreversibility of time, perhaps? Your cocladist and Dear spoke to that in the \emph{History}.'' + +The conversation was taking a decidedly Odist turn. Coming at the topic sideways, grand statements that came tinged with a sense of awe. They all seemed prone to falling into the style of speaking and ey fell for it every time. ``Mmhm. Several times.'' + +``But what does it mean to believe in something like that? Or the sanctity of life or love or art? Or God, for that matter? `Belief' as a word is a stand-in for a concept so broad as to be intimidating or impossible. One may say as Blake did, `For everything that lives is holy', but encompassing that within one's mind is truly terrifying.'' She finally broke her thousand-yard stare out the window and smiled faintly to em. ``Still, I believe in what I do, Ioan. Really, \emph{truly} believe. I feel called. I feel led. I am good at it. I wake up thinking about it, spend my day working with it, and fall asleep thinking yet more about it. We have an existence which is fundamentally different from that of phys-side, and I cannot put into words how much I love that. It is more than a want, I have a need so integral to my being for it to continue that I would not be True Name without it, and I love being True Name.'' + +``But now\ldots{}'' + +``Yes, `but now'. But now I am stuck in an impossible limbo built by Jonas. My entire existence these last two hundred years has been defined by a belief that I thought Jonas and I shared, and in a few minutes, he tore it to the ground, burnt the pieces to ash, and then ground the ash beneath his heel.'' She laughed and shook her head. ``So melodramatic, is it not? But that is how it feels to have one's belief turned hollow and stale.'' + +``Do you overflow?'' + +The skunk had lifted the lid of the pot of rice to stir. If it was anything at all how May cooked it, it was a stiff rice porridge made with chicken stock, cheese stirred in at the last minute—`poor skunk's risotto', she called it. She seemed keen to use her time cooking to think, so ey waited in silence. + +``I do. More frequently and in much shorter bursts,'' she said, finally. ``Every few days, I will walk sims and I will get lost. Well and truly lost. Dear loses control of its tightly directed energy, May Then My Name loses control of that wellspring of love within her, and I lose control of my sense of control.'' + +``Really? Every few days? Is that because you're stretched so thin with all your forks?'' + +She shook her head and, deeming the rice to be done, slid it off the heat. ``I started walking in 2124, my dear. A few years before May Then My Name was forked, back when it cost too much to be so cavalier with forking. It is not so dramatic as your partner's.'' + +Ey nodded. ``Were you overflowing earlier today?'' + +She chopped the chicken breasts she'd sauteed into strips, focusing on the task, then on plating up the food, before responding. ``Perhaps, Ioan. Perhaps.'' + +They ate in silence, then. It was interesting picking apart the way the two skunks' recipes had diverged over the years. True Name's was spicier, May's more savory and with more vegetables. + +They made it most of the way through the meal before they were alerted to May's arrival by the sim's sensorium ping. + +Ioan set down eir fork and slid out of eir chair to greet her as she stepped out of the entryway. Ey was pleased to see her face washed of tears and expression washed of distress. She looked tired, to be sure, but no longer ready to murder someone. + +``I brought gifts, my dear. I do not know if--'' She paused as she caught sight of True Name. + +The other skunk had also stood and was bowing deeply to her up-tree instance. ``May Then My Name, I apolog--\emph{hrk!}'' + +May pressed the waxed cotton-wrapped parcel into Ioan's hands and bounded over to True Name, shoving her out of her bow in order to get her arms around her for an awkward hug. ``That is for what happened,'' she said, then socked her solidly on the shoulder. ``And that is for how you told me.'' + +True Name stumbled back from the greeting, blinking rapidly and rubbing at her arm. She looked as baffled as ey felt. Watching May interact with True Name these last few days had been something of a roller coaster, whether it was the abject fury ey saw within her whenever the topic of her cocladist's goals—or perhaps calling—came up or the strange protectiveness that had led her to offer their home to her. Those were stressful enough; this was overwhelming. + +Ey shuffled back to the table, slid the packet onto it, and fell heavily into eir chair. ``What just happened?'' + +May laughed and dotted her nose against eir cheek before settling down into her usual seat. ``I am sorry that that was weird, and I am sorry that I ran away earlier. I was able to get a lot off my chest, and I feel much better for it. Oh, you did eat! That is okay, I did too, but I think these may make good dessert.'' + +May's nearly manic tone and the tension in her cheeks showed something deeper going on beneath the surface, but given her chatter and the still-shocked look on True Name's face, this didn't seem to be the time to ask. + +``May Then My Name, I know that I--'' + +``If you talk about earlier, I will hire Guōweī myself,'' May interrupted sweetly. ``I promise that there will be time to talk about it soon, but for now, I need something else, alright?'' + +``Of course,'' True Name said, frowning. ``In that case, what is in the package?'' + +``End Waking made these corn\ldots pancake\ldots things. Fritter cakes? Something like that. They were savory, but they might go well with honey as a sort of dessert. There are only two, but we can split them.'' + +Ioan and True Name exchanged a glance, then watched as May unwrapped the griddle cakes and swiped a pot of honey into being beside them. She broke off a piece, drizzled honey on it, and ate it. + +``Well?'' ey asked. + +``It is fine. I do not know that it is a dessert. Have you ever had chicken and waffles, my dear?'' + +Ey shook eir head, reaching for a piece of the (slightly soggy) cake and the pot of honey. + +``It is not that, but it reminds me of it. Savory and meaty but also sweet and bready.'' + +Ey frowned as ey chewed on the morsel. Ey could see it being truly delicious if it had not been cooked in venison grease specifically. The gaminess made it a strange mix. + +``Good, but not great,'' was True Name's assessment, to which May nodded vigorously. + +They finished the griddle cakes all the same, keeping up the banal chatter. It felt good, ey realized, to talk about nothing. Day after day of serious talks had worn on em more than ey realized, and ey made a silent note to thank May later for forcing them into something more pleasant. The greeting she'd given True Name was weird, but it definitely broke the suspense that had dogged them all week. + +After dinner, ey cleaned up the dishes by hand while True Name went back to her room and May settled onto her beanbag, getting a thoughtful look on her face that usually meant she was working mentally. + +Once ey was finished, ey settled down beside the skunk, letting her squirm in next to em and get an arm around eir middle. Ey blinked a cone of silence into being over them. ``It's good to have you back,'' ey said, hugging around her shoulders. ``What was that all about?'' + +She snagged eir free hand and put it atop her head. A clearer demand for pets there was not. ``Mm? You mean me being a chipper ditz?'' + +Ey laughed, stroking over her ears. ``Well, I was going to ask about the hug, mostly. My guess about you being chipper was to get us to finally talk about something light rather than yet more intense or depressing stuff.'' + +``You are right on that one, yes,'' she mumbled. ``We doubtless have more heavy shit to talk about, but I spent hours crying today, and if we did not break out of that cycle, I would have spent yet more in tears.'' + +``I won't bring it up, then.'' + +``Good.'' She poked em in the belly, then went back to her hug. ``Though as to the greeting, I meant it when I said I got a lot off of my chest. I spent a lot of time thinking and a lot of time talking to End Waking and Debarre, and I have some ideas for moving forward.'' + +``Oh?'' + +She shook her head beneath eir hand and tightened her grip around em. ``I do not want to discuss them now. I am tired and cried out and you are comfortable and good to me.'' diff --git a/mitzvot/content/old/017.tex b/mitzvot/content/old/017.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..400c335 --- /dev/null +++ b/mitzvot/content/old/017.tex @@ -0,0 +1,213 @@ +\begin{center}\rule{0.5\linewidth}{0.5pt}\end{center} + +The next few days passed in relative peace. There were no fights between the two skunks, and while, at least once a day, they set up a cone of silence to talk about whatever it was that True Name had discussed that first time, there were no more instances of May falling apart or True Name wearing herself out quite so badly. The discussions sounded serious, and never quite friendly, but ey was at least somewhat happy to see the two talking without quite so much ire between them. + +May wasn't the only one, either. At one point, Time Is A Finger Pointing At Itself and one of her up-tree instances, Where It Watches The Slow Hours Progress visited to talk with True Name. Both were far more earnest in their affection toward her, which she seemed to welcome with a sense of cautious relief. Ey supposed it made sense, given A Finger Pointing's habit of making friends with everyone she could. + +Ey'd only met Slow Hours once prior and, while she was just as friendly as her down-tree instance, she also seemed somewhat removed from the world as a whole, as though seeing just a little more than everyone around her. ``Clairvoyance,'' A Finger Pointing had whispered to em after that first introduction. ``She has the outline of the world.'' + +They talked for nearly three hours that afternoon, breaking only to get more water part way through. When they were finished, True Name looked wrung out, though not unhappy. A Finger Pointing mostly looked confused and concerned while Slow Hours kept her faraway, nearly delphic smile. Both were patterned after the human Michelle rather than the skunk Sasha, lending an additional layer of uncanniness in their similarities to May and True Name, even across species. + +Curiouser and curiouser. Ey'd always pictured A Finger Pointing's stanza as one of the more liberal ones, and had early on noticed that the liberal Odists had largely distanced themselves from the more conservative ones. To have two of them specifically drop by to visit True Name was quite surprising. + +The most curious thing, though, had to be May. + +It wasn't just that all the work she'd put into her feelings about her cocladist had seemingly paid off—other than a few tense moments, mostly silent, she was at worst distant and at best willing to hold conversations with True Name about a limited set of topics—but that even in those tensest moments, she seemed to at least want to do something. Whether it was out of an earnest desire to improve True Name's life or to simply get this situation over with seemed to vary depending on her mood. + +It was her discussions with End Waking that really knocked em off-kilter, though. Her visits to his forest sim came at least once a day, and it wasn't until the fourth that she was willing to share anything about their conversations. + +``Wait, what? End Waking wants to merge down? I can't even imagine that.'' + +``That is what we have been talking about, yes. I shared\ldots I mean, I told him what she told me, and it has changed things.'' + +``Are you sure that's even a good idea?'' ey asked. ``I mean, won't that just make her feel worse if she also has to deal with all of that regret?'' + +May fiddled with the corner of the top sheet. They'd sat up in bed, the topic not feeling quite right for pillow-talk. ``Possibly, yes. I do not think that it would be permanently detrimental. If she has a fuller view of the world, perhaps she will be better able to engage with it with empathy.'' + +Ey held eir gaze steady, frowning. ``I don't think you're giving her enough credit on the empathy front.'' + +She clutched the sheet tightly in her fists, visibly counting to ten, then sighed. ``Yes. You are right, Ioan. I am primed to see less in her than you, I think. + +``I know, May, I'm sorry,'' ey said, shaking eir head. ``I know it's complicated.'' + +She smiled gratefully. ``Thank you, my dear. Let me rephrase and say that having that additional perspective will give her new tools to engage with the world.'' + +``Right, that I can see. Given what all has been going on, I'm pretty sure I agree, too, so long as it's consensual between the two of them. I just worry that now's not a good time for it. If she's distracted processing all that when she's supposed to be thinking about what to do about Jonas, won't that put her at a disadvantage?'' + +``I suppose,'' she mumbled, then smiled lopsidedly to em. ``But we have time, yes? Jonas said within the year, and I imagine\pagebreak\ it will take us at least a month to convince End Waking to join as requested.'' + +Ey sighed. ``I don't know if that's necessarily reason to do it so soon, though. You're right that we should take our time with the meeting and plan as best we can. I just worry about her going in there already a mess because of a ton of conflicts when she needs to be in the best shape she can be.'' + +``You are right, as always,'' she grumbled, slumping forward to use eir thigh as a pillow. ``Thank you for keeping me grounded.'' + +Ey stroked over the skunk's head, toying with one of her ears until she batted at eir hand. ``I know I say it a lot, but you're a good person, May. So is End Waking. I think True Name having more of that will only help.'' + +``Do you think she is a good person?'' + +``Mmhm.'' + +``You answer so quickly. Is it that uncomplicated for you?'' + +Ey thought for a moment, still combing fingers through the longer fur on top of the skunk's head. ``I suppose. I'm not sure why, though. She's complicated, and I disagree with her reasoning for a lot of what she's done, but I don't think that makes her a bad person.'' + +May nodded. + +They stayed quiet until they worked their way under the covers again, cozying up for sleep, when May murmured, ``I have to believe that she is a good person, or at least capable of being one. For my sake, I have to at least try to believe that.'' + +Ey kissed the backs of her ears and shushed her to sleep. + +What kept coming back again and again was the feeling of just how small this project felt—if ey'd been assigned to it as amanuensis, might as well call it what it was. There were so few people involved. True Name and Jonas, then em, May, and End Waking on the periphery. Five people, three clades. It was intimate, in that sense. True Name and Jonas were larger-than-life\pagebreak\ most of the time, but having been forced into sharing space with her, ey was far more able to see the True Name of today as just someone caught up in a storm and Jonas as the force behind that storm. + +And then there was emself, as powerless as Codrin\#Castor had felt almost four years back. + +The next morning saw both of the skunks more relaxed than ey'd seen them yet. They talked pleasantly over breakfast, and True Name even stuck around, sitting on the couch and watching the snow melt off the balcony while May and Ioan worked, her on her monologue and em reading back through the volume of \emph{An Expanded History of Our World} that focused on the Council of Eight—and the Ode and Jonas clades—in the centuries after its dissolution. + +After lunch, True Name returned to the couch with a glass of water and, after a moment's hesitation, May had joined her. + +``Why are you spending today out here?'' she asked, finally voicing a question ey'd kept to emself until now. + +``Honest answer or pithy one?'' + +``Both.'' + +True Name laughed. ``The pithy one is that I am bored and lonely, and this seems to be my best bet at solving either. The honest answer is that I am bored and lonely and, even if the circumstances are not ideal, I want to at least try not to mope in my room all day as I am sorely tempted to.'' + +``You've said you spend most of your time working interacting with your instances, yeah,'' Ioan said, turning eir desk chair to face the couch. ``I imagine it's been pretty quiet.'' + +``Yes. My instances, some up-tree cocladists, instances of Jonas, those of my\ldots friends.'' The last word sounded almost bashful for reasons ey couldn't place. She shrugged and continued, ``And now I am without all of those. No instances, none of my up-tree cocladists are responding, I do not wish to speak with Jonas for obvious reasons, and the relationships I have with my friends are largely bound up in that.'' + +May nodded. ``I do not know if we are the ideal company for you, given our interests, but at least we can try, I suppose.'' + +``For which I am endlessly appreciative,'' True Name confirmed. ``Though I do still miss routine. Good company and productive company do not necessarily overlap.'' + +``\,`\emph{Productive} company'?'' + +``You are very nice to be around. Both of you. It is productive for my mental health, perhaps, and nice to be able to rest, but it is not what I \emph{do}, May Then My Name. This is not who I am. I am not one to crash at her friends' place, however pleasant they may be.'' + +Ioan could feel an argument brewing. What True Name was saying very likely was true: this wasn't who she was as a person, and now she had been knocked into some new setting. Ey suspected May knew that, even. Ey could see the skunk working on keeping an open expression, despite her cocladist's indelicate wording. Still, there was a thin line to be crossed, and they were edging closer. + +``Well, it's better than being assassinated, right?'' ey said, trying to lighten the mood. + +May grinned. True Name did not. + +``Sorry, probably still a bit too soon.'' + +``Perhaps. I would rather be alive here than not alive at all, but it is not an ideal situation for any of us, I think, yes?'' + +May averted her gaze, but nodded all the same. + +``My apologies, you two,'' True Name said with a hint of a bow. ``I am restless and anxious. I do not want to meet with Jonas. I do not want to stay in hiding. I do not want to go back to being overworked, but I am unhappy having no work. Call it an addiction, if you will, but I am nothing if I am not True Name.'' She bared her teeth in a bitter sneer and, as she continued, her words came faster, hotter, more frustrated. ``And why should I not be? I have worked hard to become myself. That I am what I am and unrepentant of that is perhaps a disappointment to many, but it means more to me to stick to what I believe to be true than to--'' + +``True Name,'' May said, interrupting the other skunk's tirade. ``Wait.'' + +Wrong footed, True Name frowned. ``What? Why? I do not--'' + +May held up her paw, a brief glance at the ceiling hinting at a sensorium message elsewhere. + +Ioan frowned as well. Intuition told em the discussion they'd had earlier was quickly moving beyond hypothetical. ``May, are you sure--'' + +True Name jolted upright in her seat on the couch. ``What the fuck is--'' + +``Accept it,'' May said, and ey could see the full force of all her centuries of earnestness focused on her cocladist; earnestness, kindness, the right tone, the perfect cant of ears and bristle of whiskers, all of it fine tuned to show her just what she needed to see. ``It will only help, True Name.'' + +Her face contorting with the strain of holding what must be a very large high-priority merge from End Waking at bay without either remembering or forgetting it, True Name gasped. ``May\ldots{} May Then\ldots{} Why\ldots{}'' + +May's expression softened further, picking up a hopeful smile. ``Please, my dear. I think you need this. I think we \emph{all} need this, if we are to move forward, if you are to be able to move past what Jonas wants of you. Please accept. Please.'' + +True Name nodded shakily, attempted a dry swallow, and then let End Waking's centuries of memories crash into her. + +The change was immediate and more dramatic than ey'd anticipated. Ey had been expecting a shell-shocked look and maybe a few minutes of silence, but instead True Name's expression melted into a glazed, ischemic stupor. The glass of water she'd been clutching but had yet to drink tumbled to the floor and, as all her muscles gave out at once, she began to slide off the couch. + +``Shit. Shit! Ioan!'' May shouted. + +Ey was already on eir feet and halfway around the table, thankfully in time to catch the skunk before she slid down into the pool of water on the floor. Ey managed to get eir arms under hers enough to hoist her up into the couch again while May ducked around to lift her feet so that they could lay her out on her back. + +They both stared down at her. + +``Fuck,'' May whispered. + +``What just happened?'' + +``One moment,'' she said, waving away the spilled water so that she could kneel by the couch. There was a moment's hesitation before she brushed some of the skunk's longer head fur away from her face. ``Can you close your eyes?'' + +When True Name didn't respond, didn't move, May gently brushed her paw down to close them for her. She leaned closer, whispering a few more questions ey could not hear, though there was still no response. + +After lingering a moment longer, she stood shakily, took Ioan's hand in her paw and led em to the balcony despite the cold. As soon as the door shut behind them, she burst into tears. + +Ey guided her carefully to the bench swing to sit her down, letting her cry herself out against eir shoulder. + +``I am sorry, my dear,'' she said when she could speak again at last. ``Really, truly sorry.'' + +Ey shook eir head, kissing her between the ears. ``You don't need to apologize to me. Is she alright?'' + +``She should be,'' she mumbled. + +``Alright. I'm more confused than anything. Was that your and End Waking's plan?'' + +She pressed closer to em. ``That was him merging back down, yes. We have been discussing it for days, now. I did not expect that, though,'' she said, and ey could hear that she was on the verge of crying once more. ``I never intended to hurt her.'' + +``Can you explain what happened, at least?'' + +She nodded, swallowing down that wave of tears as best she could. ``We are good at forking and merging. Very, \emph{very} good at it. I am pretty sure you know that, though.'' + +``Did something go wrong, then?'' + +``End Waking has not merged down in more than a century and a half. Even when she merged down when Michelle quit, all she had to do was let the memories fall onto her and then quit herself. He has diverged quite far in that time, as is to be expected, which means the potential for conflicts.'' + +Eir frown deepened. Ey thought ey could tell where this was going. ``Aren't those usually just when memories don't line up, though?'' + +May gave the barest hint of a shrug against em. ``You have met her, and you have met him. Their viewpoints are almost diametrically opposed, yes?'' + +Ey nodded. + +``Viewpoints are built atop a collection of memories. That they can share so many memories and yet have such different outlooks on the world and their actions is a subtler, but trickier sort of merge conflict.'' She paused, took a deep breath, then continued slowly. ``I pressed her to accept because I knew that she would accept the merge as smoothly as she always does if there was external pressure. She merged blithely and took on 156 years of End Waking all at once. All of his memories. All of his penance. All of his loathing for what he did, what she was so proud of.'' + +``And it was too much?'' ey asked. + +Her face screwed up again as she nodded. ``I nuh-never wanted t-to hur-hurt her,'' she stammered as the tears started to flow once more. + +Ey got eir arms around her again and held her close. A quick glance through the windows showed that True Name still lay on the couch, breathing shallowly. + +``May, I want to ask you something,'' ey said, once she had calmed down. ``And\ldots well, I think it'll probably make you cry again, but I want to make sure we stay open about this. Is that okay?'' + +She whined quietly, but nodded all the same. + +Ey took a deep breath, keeping eir voice as gentle as ey could. ``I'm not upset with you, but I need to know since this is just getting weirder and weirder. Are you sure you didn't want to hurt her?'' + +There was a long silence before she replied. Ey watched her count her breaths, one of the exercises that had worked best to ground her. At least, she counted as best she could between sniffles. + +``I think,'' she started, then cleared her throat. ``I \emph{know} a part of me was acting out of vengeance.'' + +Ey nodded. ``We've talked about that, yeah.'' + +``Right. I think that part was hoping that it would be a rough merge to knock her down a peg, yes,'' she said, then let out a shaky sigh. She was starting to shiver from the cold. ``I did not think it would be this bad, though. I am really sorry, Ioan. I want to be a good person.'' + +Hugging her tightly to em, ey said, ``It's okay, May. We'll just have to see what comes of it.'' + +She nodded, fell back into breathing exercises. + +``And I believe you when you say you didn't want to hurt her. Both those--'' + +She elbowed em in the side. ``Yes, yes. Both can be true at once. You know we have the same therapist, right? She says the same things to me.'' + +Ey smiled, pleased to hear the humor in her voice. ``Sorry, May.'' + +She wormed her arms around em to give a tight squeeze. ``It is alright. You are just a nerd. Both of those things can be true, too.'' After a moment's hesitation, she asked more quietly, ``Can you see her? Is she okay?'' + +``She's rolled onto her side. Still breathing pretty quick.'' + +May nodded, wiping at her face, though it did little to help her disheveled look. ``Let us get back in and check on her, then. We may want to get her into bed. Being comfortable can make it easier.'' + +``True Name?'' ey murmured once ey'd crouched beside her. ``Can you make it to your room?'' + +Her eyes remained closed, flicking about beneath her eyelids. There was the tiniest shake of her head. + +Ey looked to May, who only watched anxiously, wringing her paws. + +Oh well, ey'd lifted eir partner on more than one occasion, ey supposed this wouldn't be too different. Ey slipped eir arms beneath the skunk, though she remained limp. Through a bit of shifting, ey was eventually able to get her leaned against eir chest, head on eir shoulder rather than lolling back, gaining enough leverage to be able to lift her. She was a little lighter, but when ey lifted May, she usually got her arms around eir shoulders, too. + +Ey was able to get her into bed easily enough, May holding the covers back while ey did so and then draping them back over her after. + +It was eir turn to stand awkwardly by while May sat beside True Name and brushed a paw over her head. ``I am sorry, my dear, I thought\ldots{}'' she started, then sighed. ``I will sit with you. I am sorry.'' + +Ioan backed slowly out of the room, sliding the door shut quietly behind em. May sounded on the verge of tears once more, but, of all the things ey was not supposed to fix, perhaps least able to fix, this certainly felt like the top of the list. diff --git a/mitzvot/content/old/018.tex b/mitzvot/content/old/018.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..bfd654d --- /dev/null +++ b/mitzvot/content/old/018.tex @@ -0,0 +1,101 @@ +\hypertarget{ioan-bux103lan-2350}{% +\chapter{Ioan Bălan — 2350}\label{ioan-bux103lan-2350}} +\markboth{Ioan Bălan — 2350}{} + +It took about six hours for True Name to recover from the merge to where she could stand up and walk well enough to get a glass of water. Her expression remained glazed and she was unable to speak. It wasn't until the next morning that she was able to hold a conversation, though she remained quiet and largely confined to her room, refusing the offer of coffee. + +May spent much of that time by her side. Ey wasn't sure what it was that the two did while in her room, if it was just May sitting by the skunk's side, if she was just being present, if the two were having their own quiet conversations, or sharing what affection she was comfortable sharing with a down-tree instance she had resented enough to shock so severely. + +All three, ey suspected. Ey checked in on them a few times, knocking and listening for permission to enter. Each time, True Name remained curled in bed with May seated nearby, whether on a chair beside it or sitting up on the bed itself. Ey'd ask if they needed anything, they'd both decline, and then ey'd go back to pacing holes in the rug or the yard or around Arrowhead Lake. + +The rest of the time, May was out with em, almost always as close as she could be, whether that was tucked in against eir side on the beanbag, hugging around eir middle from behind while ey cooked, or, at one point, requesting that ey sit on the floor outside the bathroom while she showered, just so that she could talk and, in her words, feel eir presence. + +The mood throughout remained somewhere between anxious and remorseful. + +That evening, True Name requested that they eat dinner out at the lake rather than at home, saying, ``I am feeling too cooped up by walls and yet more walls.'' + +Ey supposed it made sense, now that she had the competing memories of End Waking and however many personality traits that came with. He had only visited Ioan and May a scant handful of times, and then always out in the yard, refusing to go indoors. + +So, they packed up a simple dinner of sausages, zucchini, and potatoes to cook and stepped out to the lake. + +The tents were still set up and the second bundle of firewood remained untouched, leaning against one of them, so Ioan and May watched as True Name tiredly built and lit the fire. She left them sitting on one of the logs before it, watching the flames go from fast and loud to something quieter and hotter, while she disappeared up the hill into the forest. She returned some time later with a bundle of arm-length sticks, all nearly as straight as dowels, which she built into a spit on which they could roast the sausages while the potatoes baked near the coals of the fire. It was all done with a practiced ease borne from decades of memory. + +The food was pleasantly smokey and well cooked, though otherwise unseasoned. True Name remarked on this part way through the meal, saying, ``If you call the food bland again, May Then My Name, I will call you lame again.'' + +The humor felt out of place, and certainly went over Ioan's head, but at least it got May smiling again, something she'd not done in more than a day. + +``I am pleased that you made it through, my dear,'' May said. ``I will not apologize again, I have done so enough already, but I am pleased all the same.'' + +``I have grown weary of being apologized to, yes,'' she replied. ``And my feelings on the events remain complicated, but I thank you for thinking of me.'' + +``I'm glad, too,'' Ioan added, unwilling to let the dinner once more fall into silence. ``How are you feeling otherwise?'' + +She shrugged. ``Uncomfortable. Fractured. I have spoken to End Waking only a few times since he requested revocation of his access to our secure materials. I knew that he was upset, but not just how, and not to what extent.'' She sighed, then added, ``And now I am left with that.'' + +``Thus `fractured'?'' + +``Yes. I must admit that much of my time while down and out was spent struggling to maintain a sense of myself as True Name. Had I simply accepted everything at face value and incautiously, I think I would have gone mad. As it is, I feel perilously close.'' + +May sniffled and looked off toward the lake in the deepening evening. + +``I understand what you were trying to do, May Then My Name. I understand why you planned that, how you managed to talk us both into it, and what you hoped to get out of it, but \emph{you} must understand that what you did was set two existences within me. One was set on goals that I believed in—\emph{still} believe in—while the other regrets everything that made me me.'' The skunk's voice sounded far more tired than angry, enough to keep May from winding up in tears again, though she did set her food aside. ``I do not think that End Waking believed in anything. His life was spent un-believing that which he was, which we were.'' + +``What does that leave you, now?'' + +``I do not know yet, Ioan. It makes me too full of being, of time, to be just one thing. It will likely take me several days to settle into\ldots something. To settle into myself, whatever that now means.'' + +They fell into silence again while Ioan and True Name finished their food and May looked down at her paws or into the fire. + +``Thank you for joining me out here. I am both glad to be outdoors and intensely uncomfortable sitting on a fucking log,'' she said, smiling tiredly. ``I do not think that I will stay out here. The greater part of me demands a comfortable bed.'' + +``Those fucking cots are awful,'' May grumbled, sounding forced in her humor. ``Like a hammock, but far worse.'' + +``I do not think that even End Waking enjoys them, so it is easy enough for the True Name part of me to win out on that subject.'' + +``What did he-- what do you remember enjoying?'' Ioan asked. ``I want to hear the good things you have, now, too. I feel like we're all tiptoeing around all the bad memories and conflicting feelings. Tell me something good.'' + +True Name raised her eyebrows, then let her gaze drift up to the brightening stars. ``I remember teaching myself to hunt, promising myself that I would start small with snares and then work up from there, thinking that I would not let myself eat until I could eat food that I had caught myself. I remember getting so hungry and weak by the third day that I pinged Serene to see if she could help. She laughed and ruffled my fur and called me a dumbass, saying that she had not included fauna because I had not requested it, so of course I did not catch anything. She brought me a hamburger and I ate it so fast I got sick.'' + +Ioan and May laughed. + +``I remember each time I decided to cave and bring into the sim something new. I remember deciding that I needed a more efficient way to heat my tent than just relying on my fur and camp blankets, and then creating the stove. I remember getting so sick of just meat and what few vegetables I could grow at the time and deciding that I would need something like bread or tack for the calories. I remember learning about how hard it was to actually carve a bow and work with metal to create knives and axes, and I remember how it felt to bring each one into existence, a little bit of failure to accomplish a little bit of triumph. + +``I remember the eighth or ninth winter out there, when the cold started to feel less terrifying because I knew what to do. I remember waking up one morning fucking freezing, building the fire back up, and shivering in front of it, then laughing for the sheer joy of it. The joy of bundling up, the joy of the air burning inside my nostrils, the joy of discomfort.'' + +Ioan listened, entranced. The cadence of her speech had changed. It still had that well-spoken and dramatic air to it, still held the lack of contractions and all the small doublings-back and anaphora that seemed to come with being an Odist, but it was also more austere than it had been. Less purely functional and more cerebral, perhaps. + +``I remember the first time I went a year without seeing anyone, then the first time I went two. That was terrifying. I was sure that I was losing my grip on reality. I decided to make sure that I talked to someone at least once every few months after that to keep myself grounded. I remember when the Artemisians arrived and you two brought your play over, and being utterly delighted at all of the subtle ways you found to insult each other.'' + +May grinned and elbowed em in the side. ``That one was Ioan's fault.'' + +True Name smiled and nodded. ``You should be pleased with it, my dear. Oh, and I remember tasting whiskey for the first time in years and being surprised at how much it burned. A Finger Pointing's offer to bring a case over was quite tempting. It reminded me that I love the surprise that comes with forgetting things, or at least as close as we can get. The taste of liquor had fallen way back in my mind, and the feeling of the burn of whiskey sent it rocketing right back up to the top.'' + +``That doesn't sound so bad,'' Ioan said, smiling. + +``It is not all unpleasant, not by a long shot. As much as I worked to keep my sense of self while integrating, I was also struck by wonder, and for that, I am grateful.'' + +``Was the merge a net-positive thing?'' + +She laughed. ``I cannot possibly know that, Ioan. I suspect there is no net value, or indeed any value, to be placed on simply having those memories. It will make my life more difficult or it will not, but I do not think it will make it better or worse. I will be what I am to become.'' + +Ey nodded. + +``But, May Then My Name?'' + +The skunk looked nervously at her cocladist, as though worried of some reprisal. ``Yes?'' + +``Thank you for thinking of me.'' + +May only nodded, swallowing back tears. + +``I remember a few days ago, too. I remember when you came to the forest, remember watching, awkwardly, while you cried on Debarre's shoulder after I told you about\ldots well, after we spoke. I remember hearing about all of your hatred over the years, about the resentment that you still have for me. I remember how it was that you talked me into this, how helpless I was before it. I remember all of it.'' + +There was no more holding back the tears at that, though she did her best to cry silently. + +True Name smiled more kindly than she had yet that night. ``But still, you thought of me. `I do not want her to die', you said. You said that you do not know why you still care about me, and you said that to your cocladist perhaps not yet knowing that I would have that memory as well. You two are both meddlesome brats, but thank you for thinking of me.'' + +May tucked closer against Ioan's side and buried her face in eir shirt to cry, making a rude gesture at her down-tree instance before hugging her arms around eir waist. + +``I think that means `no problem','' ey said. ``But I don't speak skunk all that-- ow! She bit me!'' + +True Name laughed. ``It is no less than you deserve, I am sure. But come, once you are able to, let us walk to the rock at the end of the lake. I want to see the stars before we head back.'' diff --git a/mitzvot/content/old/019.tex b/mitzvot/content/old/019.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..58af152 --- /dev/null +++ b/mitzvot/content/old/019.tex @@ -0,0 +1,159 @@ +\begin{center}\rule{0.5\linewidth}{0.5pt}\end{center} + +What levity the night had gained slowly faded when they returned home. True Name explained that she had barely slept the night previous and needed to do so urgently, and as soon as the door shut behind her, May's shoulders sagged and she dragged em off to the bedroom. It was still early for them to be going to sleep, but then, ey was certainly tired enough. + +They settled into bed, not talking, just resting forehead-to-forehead while ey pet through May's soft fur. There didn't seem to be anything that either of them needed to say, or if there was, not yet something they could. + +Eventually, though, they shifted to their usual spots, May tucked back against eir front, and slept straight through until morning. + +Ey woke to the quiet sounds of True Name rustling around in the kitchen, mugs being pulled down from the shelves. Ey grumbled, wondering why she hadn't thought to set up a cone of silence, then realized she'd almost certainly left it off intentionally as a subtle way to let them know that she was up. With her memories from End Waking, she almost certainly could be quieter than any of them. + +Ey carefully slid out of bed, tucking the covers back over May to let her continue to doze. + +``Good morning,'' True Name said quietly, bowing to em and holding out a mug of coffee. ``Black, yes?'' + +``Morning,'' ey said, accepting the coffee with a nod of thanks. ``Caught up on sleep?'' + +She shrugged. ``A little, perhaps. Unnerving dreams, unnerving memories coming to the fore.'' + +``Hopefully that lessens over time.'' + +``It should, yes. It is already less overwhelming than it was yesterday afternoon.'' She shook her head. ``But I am sure you are tired of that topic after the last few days. How about you, my dear? Did you sleep well?'' + +``Well enough, I guess. I certainly needed it.'' + +``Coffee,'' May mumbled, stumbling out of the bedroom, looking disheveled. ``You did not bring me coffee.'' + +Ioan snorted and shook eir head. ``I just got up, too, May. I've barely had a sip, myself.'' + +``No excuses, only coffee.'' + +``It is on the counter, May Then My Name. I promise I did not leave you out.'' + +The skunk mumbled her thanks and retrieved her mug, lapping groggily. + +As if on some hidden signal, they moved to the dining table to focus on waking up, all apparently too tired to do much else. + +It was True Name who finally broke the silence, speaking quietly, more down to her mug than anything. ``I find myself caught off-guard by the sudden ending of the merge. I have never experienced that with any other merger. Perhaps it is down to individuation.'' + +``How do you mean?'' + +``I remember going to sleep here, but I also remember going to sleep with Debarre in my arms. I remember waking up with him, working with him through the day, even while I remember us talking to each other, and then I remember your message, May Then My Name, and then everything stops.'' + +May's ears flicked back and she ducked her snout, looking abashed. ``I did not think of that. I am sorry. I will apologize to them as well.'' + +True Name lifted her gaze and smiled faintly to May. ``I do not think you need to worry too much, my dear. We-- they discussed it a few nights ago. It was something of a shock to be used to sleeping alone and also to not have someone in bed with me. + +``I think May would explode without someone in bed with her,'' Ioan said, hoping to keep the mood light. + +``It is not \emph{not} true. I do not sleep well alone.'' + +``I have not experienced a relationship as True Name in\ldots some years. Even then we slept in separate beds.'' + +May's grip on her coffee mug tightened and she slouched down further in her seat. + +``I didn't know you were in a relationship,'' Ioan said. ``Did you, uh\ldots well, I mean, is that what you two talked about a few days back?'' + +Both skunks nodded. + +``I don't mean to pry,'' ey added. ``Sorry if it's too personal.'' + +After a long silence, True Name sighed. ``No, I think you will eventually learn about it anyway.'' When May's ears flattened, she hastened to add, ``At least in part.'' + +Ey stayed quiet. Ey wasn't sure how much to push or back off, whether or not there was some boundary ey should be aware of. It seemed more complex than simply keeping the relationship secret. + +``I met a young fox some centuries back.'' The skunk spoke slowly and carefully. ``Red fox, that is, rather than a fennec like Dear. Furries tend to clump together, and I suppose I am no exception. We quickly became friends, then trusted confidants, and then occasional lovers. I did not let us become more than that. There was romance between us, but I was not comfortable becoming romantically entangled in my position.'' + +``That makes sense. I don't know why I thought that wouldn't be the case, actually.'' + +``I have said in the past that you two—that all of those in the clade who have formed lasting romantic relationships—have done something I was never able to,'' she said. ``That remains true. Zacharias and I never quite rose to the level of relationship. Lovers, yes, and perhaps even in love, but never partners. It was always in private, always alone. I had an image to maintain, and that did not include having a boyfriend.'' + +``Did you want one?'' + +``Pardon?'' + +Realizing the sensitive nature of the question, ey held up eir hands. ``Sorry, I asked that without thinking. I was wondering if you wanted a partner, even if you felt your image wouldn't allow that.'' + +Another long silence followed before she spoke again. ``Had you asked me that prior to the merge, I do not think I would have been comfortable answering, but in the context of the memories I now share of Debarre, I think that has changed into a solid `I do not know'. I do not know if I wanted a partner, because it was more important for me to stay true to my goals than it was for me to think about love, on some subconscious level.'' + +Ey finished eir coffee and toyed with the empty mug, rotating it first this way and then that on the table while ey thought. Eventually, the two skunks fell into quiet, polite conversation, talking about something ey was too distracted to think about. + +They both agreed to more coffee, so ey tasked emself with making another pot, hoping that breaking out of the context would give em more room to think. + +That True Name felt such a strong need to maintain her image was more than a little alien to em. However, when it came to her not knowing whether or not she wanted a partner, ey felt an almost unnerving level of concordance with eir own life prior to first meeting the Odists, and perhaps even prior to meeting May, years later. Ey did not have an image to maintain or goals to reach for, simply a lack of social awareness that kept em from remembering that having a partner was even a thing that ey could do. Ey and True Name always seemed to have something that kept them from thinking about love until something—May for em and this merge (or perhaps even this conversation) for True Name—suddenly forced the issue. + +Ey didn't know what part of em was in charge of making such predictions, but the thought that May, with all her love, might try to merge down with True Name forced itself into eir mind and wedged itself firmly in place. They'd talked about how each of the three skunks were good people some nights back, but in the face of the last two days, ey couldn't think of why, what reason eir partner might even have to do so. A lingering need to force her to experience her own resentment? Or to feel that love? A desire to help her become a better person, whatever that meant? A fit of pique? + +Or, no, that wasn't it. It all fell back to the same problem that had been at the forefront of eir mind for months now: that need to fix things. Ey worried that May might merge down with True Name to make her feel better not necessarily because that's something she might want to do, but because, in the wake of the most recent merge, it's all ey emself could think to do in order to fix this friction. + +So silly. It made no sense, and yet this sudden image of True Name as the type of person who might have a relationship, who now had decades of memories of dating Debarre in the form of End Waking, seemed to have set off a runaway train of thought. + +``Ioan?'' + +Ey started out of eir rumination. ``Mm? Sorry. Was I mumbling?'' + +May grinned. ``A little, but also you have been standing there for quite a while and you promised us coffee.'' + +``Oh! Shit, I'm sorry.'' Ey laughed as best ey could to banish any look of the panic ey felt from eir face. Ey brought the pot of coffee over to the table along with the cream and sugar for May and True Name so that they could top up their mugs accordingly. + +Ey drifted in and out of the present moment after that, surfacing now and then to do a bit of work or, at one point, to run another sweep of the house at the behest of True Name in case they'd brought any hitchhikers with them. They hadn't, but it was probably a good idea all the same. + +The relatively pleasant morning fell again into a vague sense of tension within the house. Ey was sure that ey was the cause of at least a part of it, what with the way May kept checking in on em. + +The rest seemed to fall back to True Name, though, who, after coffee, had sagged in her chair and mentioned that she'd been holding some demanding memories at bay. ``I need to deal with these or I am sure I will unravel like Michelle,'' she had mumbled on the way to her room, leading May to put down her work and curl up on the beanbag. + +Ey joined her, despite all of the distractions whirling around in eir head. Ey couldn't sort any of them out now, but the least ey could do was comfort eir partner. + +\emph{All that crying these last few days, I wouldn't be surprised if she overflows soon,} ey thought while petting over her ears, a pang in eir chest. \emph{And who knows how that'll work with True Name.} + +A simple dinner of pasta, more polite conversation, and then they broke off to their own spaces again, True Name requesting the location tag for Arrowhead Lake so that she could go for a walk ``somewhere with fewer right-angles''. + +It wasn't until they were getting ready for bed that ey pulled eir thoughts together into a coherent enough form to ask May the question that had been nagging at em all day. + +``Do you think you'll merge down, May?'' + +The skunk paused in the middle of tugging off her shirt, leaving just her snout-tip and midriff exposed. ``Let me think on that for a moment, please.'' + +They both finished undressing and climbed into bed, em settling back against the pillows and her with her head on eir chest. + +``Okay. Now, why do you ask, my dear?'' + +Ey hesitated. The origin of the train of thought felt impertinent, incomplete, perhaps solely on em. ``I'm not actually sure,'' ey said, fumbling for words. ``Maybe a little because you had a hand in End Waking merging down, but I think mostly the talk this morning about Debarre and, uh\ldots Zacharias, was it?'' + +She nodded. + +``I think that made me think of it because until this point, it's all been happening at one layer of remove for me. She's my friend and I like her as such, but she's not my cocladist or family. I'm not in a relationship with her. None of this has been happening with her as someone I'm super close to.'' + +``But if I merge down, she will remember having been in a relationship with you. You will be more directly involved.'' + +``Yeah.'' + +They lay in silence for a bit. Ey didn't know what May was thinking about, but ey kept cycling over just how much ey and eir partner had shared over the last few months alone, all those little bits of affection and physicality when True Name had expressed on more than one occasion that such simply wasn't for her, all the private conversations they'd shared with the understanding that they'd remain such, all the little nothing moments that go into being in love. + +``I will admit that I had been considering it,'' she said, then lifted her snout to dot her nose on the underside of eir chin. ``But after the last few days and coming to terms with what that would actually mean for her, I am feeling much more cautious about the prospect.'' + +``Okay,'' ey said carefully, not wanting to jostle her snout too much. ``Can we make sure to talk about it more if you do decide to?'' + +``Of course, my dear. You and I never shut up.'' + +``Mmhm, best that way,'' ey murmured, then added more seriously, ``I mean the three of us, though.'' + +``We will, Ioan. It would be unfair to all of us not to.'' May lowered her snout again and tightened her grip around eir middle. ``Do you want me not to? You are allowed to say yes.'' + +Ey sighed and placed a kiss atop her head. ``I don't know. I need way more time to think on it.'' + +She nodded. ``I will give you all the time in the world.'' + +``Thanks, May.'' + +They settled in for sleep, letting the topic drop and trusting that there would be time enough to discuss it, focusing instead on closeness and comfort. + +``Ioan?'' + +``Mm?'' Ey'd nearly dozed off, and sleep was still tugging at em. + +``I love you. You know that, right?'' + +``'Course I do, \emph{sconcsul meu}. I love you too.'' + +That, at least, was a pleasant note to fall asleep to, one for pleasant dreams. diff --git a/mitzvot/content/old/020.tex b/mitzvot/content/old/020.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..bb0209a --- /dev/null +++ b/mitzvot/content/old/020.tex @@ -0,0 +1,178 @@ +\begin{center}\rule{0.5\linewidth}{0.5pt}\end{center} +\pagebreak + +While True Name continued to integrate the merge more and more fully—or, as she put it, became more whatever her new self was meant to be—and she spent less time taken by long silences or the need to go lay down in the quiet for some lingering conflict, her mood nonetheless continued to decline. Those moments of easy conversation came further and further apart, and while the skunk remained as polite as could be, she also bowed out of nearly every topic other than the food, the weather, and only the most surface-level details of how she was feeling. \emph{I am not comfortable talking about that now} became her constant refrain. + +Though neither Ioan nor May were necessarily happy for this change, it meant that they \emph{had} to stop talking about all these dire topics. It forced them to take a step back as well, and at least try to get some work done. Given all that had happened, no one was comfortable with them continuing to perform, least of all A Finger Pointing, so they were removed from the bill for the time being, with either their roles replaced or their shows canceled. + +And there was still work to be done. May still had her monologue, which she tried taking in a few different directions, some of which worked well and some less so. Ioan coached her in writing as best ey could, talking her down from fits of perfectionism that left her threatening to tear the whole thing up. + +For eir part, ey still had a few projects on eir plate, not least of which was the upcoming book project that had been requested by Jonas. Ey poked at this every now and then, outlining the events to date and throwing a few thousand words at it here and there. + +Mostly, though, ey dealt in letters to and from the other members of eir clade. Vast, dramatic events were happening elsewhere—as they always seemed to when an Odist was involved—and ey couldn't simply put them away to deal with all that was going on at home. The break from dealing with the affairs of True Name and Jonas was a welcome one. + +The one conversation of note came on the fourth day after the merge, when the skunk asked, ``How did you two get together?'' + +Both Ioan and May had stared at her until she held up her paws. + +``Other than the forces behind the scenes, I mean.'' + +``From my point of view,'' Ioan said, guessing at the meaning behind her question. ``it just kind of happened over the course of a few years. May was her usual affectionate self, and we just wound up building patterns around that that turned us from coworkers to friends to partners.'' + +``There was no culmination? No decision?'' + +``Not really. I just realized one day that we were probably together and asked if we were.'' + +``It was the day ey interviewed you for the first time,'' May said, trying to hide a smile. ``I told em it was the dumbest fucking question of the entire project. We agreed we had probably been in a relationship for months before that.'' + +True Name nodded, expression more thoughtful than amused. ``Is that how you move in the world, May Then My Name?'' + +The skunk hesitated, gaze drifting away from her cocladist. ``Ask another question, my dear,'' she said eventually. + +``Of course.'' True Name gave a hint of a bow. ``You changed in order to accommodate being in a relationship, Ioan. How?'' + +``Are you asking what about me changed, or what I did to change?'' ey asked, frowning. ``Because I don't think I had any conscious control over it.'' + +``What you changed, yes. May Then My Name could answer the other question, perhaps uniquely so among all those who we know.'' + +The skunk only shrugged. + +``Well, I think the events with Qoheleth got me thinking about existence here on the System. My own, sure, but in general. Prior to that, I think I lived my life solely as an observer of others. I'd watch people and write what they did and turn it into a story, and I was just kind of\ldots I don't know. Transparent?'' Ey shrugged. ``I was just a pair of glasses to be used by others. I relied heavily on memory to do my job, though, and it wasn't until that was specifically called out and brought into question that I started thinking of myself as more than an observer, which then got me thinking about how I interact with those around me. That's where Codrin came from, I think.'' + +May chimed in. ``Ey was the version of you who learned that most strongly, perhaps. You were left with the memories of it to work with, but without the context of the experience.'' + +``Right. It was nice watching em grow closer to others and open up to a relationship.'' + +``\,`Nice'?'' + +Ey shrugged. ``I don't know how else to put it. I felt compersion for them, like the opposite of jealousy. I was happy for them, and it felt good to know that those things were possible.'' + +True Name nodded. ``That is the word I would use to describe my feelings towards May Then My Name, if it is not too forward of me to say.'' + +May smiled and reached out across the dining table to pat at True Name's paw. + +``It is what I feel for End Waking and Debarre, too, though in a far more round-about way. I have memories of the ways in which End Waking changed in order to let Debarre into his life, but I cannot place them in context. I do not have what is required to understand them; I may watch them, I may understand one at a time, but integration of all of them eludes me. Those experiences which are left to integrate are the ones clashing the most.'' She gave a frustrated sigh and shook her head. ``I can remember what it feels like to fall in love but not what to do then. I can remember what it feels like to be in love but not how I got there.'' + +Ioan and May glanced at each other briefly, but both nodded. + +``It has not been a priority for you,'' May said. ``If it has not been important, if it has felt like a distraction, then there is no\pagebreak\ reason to simply know how to do all of that. I do wish you the best, though.'' + +``Didn't you say you'd felt love for Zacharias, though?'' + +True Name shrugged noncommittally. ``I am not comfortable talking about that now.'' + +Ey tried to keep eir expression from falling, but apparently did not succeed. + +``I am sorry, Ioan. Not everything is for sharing, not right now.'' + +``It's just the amanuensis in me.'' Ey tried to laugh it away. ``Why'd you ask about this, anyway?'' + +She smirked. ``You mean beyond the fact that I just told you I am having trouble integrating the memories?'' + +``Yeah, actually. Why those memories? I would have thought his fixation on penance would have caused more clashes.'' + +``It is,'' she replied slowly. ``But these are more comforting to work with. They had their fights, as I am sure all couples do, but even those are full of love. I do not--'' She sniffled, shook her head firmly, then stood and bowed. ``I need to go for a walk. Thank you both.'' + +And without another word, she stepped from the sim. + +May groaned and crossed her arms on the table, resting her head on them. ``I do not know what to think about her. I do not know what to think about any of this.'' + +Ey slouched in eir chair for a moment before reaching out to pet over her ears a few times. ``Me either. I don't know where that conversation came from, and\ldots well, it went alright, but I have no idea what she was asking about, so I kept feeling like I was about to fall in some conversational pit.'' + +She lifted her snout enough to bump her nose against eir wrist, then nodded. ``It is things like this—the conversation and the thoughts that come with it—that keep me hesitant about any decision to merge down. I do not know if it would help her or kill her.'' + +``No killing skunks,'' ey mumbled, then stood and stretched. ``Bit miffed she's out at the lake, since now I feel like walking, too.'' + +``If you were at all a normal person, we could enjoy perpetual springtime in the yard.'' + +Ey looked outside, at the scant inch of snow left after the last storm. ``It's not that bad.'' + +``It is in all ways bad. It is cold.'' + +``Mmhm, still cold. Still, it might be worth making a coffee and bringing it out there to keep the hands warm, if only so I can pace.'' + +``Go, my dear. Go and pace. I will teach myself how to do a handstand or something equally silly. Anything other than dwelling on more of this.'' + +``No more monologue?'' + +``I am so sick of looking at it that I think I might scream if I even catch a glance.'' + +Ey laughed and leaned down to kiss the side of the skunk's muzzle. ``Well, alright. Don't fall over onto the table or anything.'' + +The rest of the afternoon passed easily enough. It was slow and boring, perhaps, but neither seemed to want any excitement. Ioan walked. May did not manage a handstand, but she did wind up laying half off the couch, head nearly to the floor, for half an hour. They made lunch. They read. + +But always, there was an air of waiting. They were waiting for True Name to return, yes, but ey felt like they were also waiting for the other shoe to drop. They were waiting for her to feel whole again. They were waiting for everything to fall into place (or at least close enough) so that they could do this meeting with Jonas and get it over with. + +``Do you think she's just out there walking?'' ey asked at one point. + +May shrugged. ``If she is anything like True Name, yes. If she is anything like End Waking, then she is exploring. Climbing trees and walking along ravines.'' + +``And if she's both?'' + +She sighed. ``If she is both, then I do not know. If she is both, perhaps she is finding some new way to let loose all of those emotions she could not speak before. + +True Name returned shortly before dinner. Both Ioan and May stood to greet her. She looked dirty and scuffed up, and while her expression wasn't grim, it certainly came close. There was frustration there, perhaps anger as well. + +\emph{Overflowing,} ey thought, then tamped it down. + +She bowed to them from the entryway and said, ``Ioan, May Then My Name, thank you for hosting me and for all of your kindness.'' + +Ey frowned. ``But\ldots?'' + +``Yes. But I need out. I need to be elsewhere. I walked as far as I could into the hills from the lake and, while I found the boundary of the sim, it is far enough away that I do not think I will feel cramped.'' + +``Wait, what? You're going to stay at Arrowhead Lake?'' + +``If you decide to keep my room here, I will come back, but I am going to lose my fucking mind if I simply stay in--'' She sighed, took a deep breath, recomposed herself. ``I am going to spend a few days out at the lake. I need\ldots away. I need away from walls. I need away from you two, nice as you are, away from all of your happiness and comfort. I need away from speaking, from dwelling on the last few weeks. I need solitude.'' + +May had shied away from her down-tree instance the instant her temper started to rise, clutching tightly at eir hand, but Ioan stood eir ground as best ey could. + +``Well, alright. It's no trouble keeping your room, of course, and I guess there's tents already out there.'' + +She nodded, subsiding at the reasonable tone in eir voice. ``Yes. Thank you for understanding.'' + +``Is there anything we can do to help?'' + +``Can you grant me ACLs to create supplies? There is nothing to hunt and I do not wish to set aside the necessity to eat.'' + +``Hunt?'' Ey frowned, then shook eir head. ``Right, sorry. End Waking always did. You should\ldots there. You should have them now.'' + +She nodded. Much of her time out there must have been spent cataloguing what she'd need in order to survive, going off of memories that were now hers, as it took her less than ten seconds and a wave of the paw to create an axe, a knife, and two canvas bags ey assumed were full of reasonably stable food and other necessary tools. This was followed by her rapidly forking a few times over, shifting her outfit one article of clothing at a time. It struck a middle-ground between her ordinary conservative dress and End Waking's ranger garb, one with canvas leggings and a sturdy shirt, over which she wore a leather jerkin with what looked to be a detachable hood. It usually wasn't worth it to fork just to re-clothe oneself, but she seemed antsy to be away and on her own, not to mention that lingering air of frustration about her. + +``Thank you both,'' she said, more quietly this time. ``Earnestly. It does mean a lot that you have both thought to help so much. I will be in touch.'' + +With that, she bowed, lifted her bags and axe, then stepped from the sim once more. + +``What the hell\ldots{}'' + +May took a solid minute to un-cringe from the whole experience, slowly relaxing her grip on eir hand. ``I think perhaps she--'' + +``Is overflowing?'' + +She nodded. + +Ey sighed. ``That was my guess, too. I was going to say it came on pretty quick, but the last few days make a lot more sense with that as context.'' + +May leaned forward and rested her forehead against eir upper arm. Her tail hung limp and her ears were splayed out to the sides. + +Ey extricated eir hand from her paws so that ey could turn and get eir arms around her, careful not to jostle too much. Ey leaned down to kiss between her ears, murmuring, ``How about you, May?'' + +``Mm?'' + +``You've seemed on the edge of overflowing for a few days now.'' + +It took her a long time to respond. At last, she hugged her arms around eir middle and lifted her head to look at em. ``You will not be upset with me if I say yes?'' + +``What?'' Ey blinked, shaking eir head. ``Of course not. I apologize if it's seemed that way in the past.'' + +She rested her head against eir shoulder. ``No, but\ldots I do not know, my dear. Everything is so much more complicated this time. It is bad enough when you have one skunk in your life, but now you have two at the same time. Two and a half, perhaps.'' + +``It's okay, May. It's complicated, but we've done it before, so we'll make it work this time.'' + +She nodded. + +``Can I stay for tonight?'' Ioan asked gently. ``I'll help get some meals prepped and some of my stuff in order. It'll give me a chance to contact Douglas, too.'' + +``Of course, my dear. I am not\ldots there yet, but I am close.'' + +``Well, come on, then. Let's get some food in you and we can take it easy for the night and finish in the morning.'' diff --git a/mitzvot/content/old/021.tex b/mitzvot/content/old/021.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..e999b0d --- /dev/null +++ b/mitzvot/content/old/021.tex @@ -0,0 +1,83 @@ +\begin{center}\rule{0.5\linewidth}{0.5pt}\end{center} + +Ioan awoke, arms empty, asleep on eir front. Ey was not a front-sleeper, so this came with a stiff neck that ey knew would dog em throughout the rest of the day. + +At some point during the night, May had apparently slid as carefully as she could from eir arms, bundled herself up in a second set of covers, and curled up at the far edge of the mattress. A muffled sniffle showed her to be awake. + +``You okay, May?'' ey asked, sitting up beside her. + +She shook her head. + +``Alright. Can I hug?'' + +A pause, and then another shake of the head. + +``That's okay,'' ey said, doing eir best to keep disappointment out of eir voice. ``I'll go get some stuff pulled together for while I'm out. Want a cup of coffee?'' + +She nodded before pulling the covers up and over her head. + +That was probably a good enough sign for em to get up. If the skunk was already to the point of being nonverbal, it wouldn't do either of them any good to try and keep talking, regardless of how much ey wanted to address her every need. + +Coffee was a good first priority, though, and easily sorted. It was something ey could start and finish with little thought and which had a tangible outcome, a little bit of success rather than some ill-defined end-state. + +While waiting, ey pinged Douglas to let him know what was going on and to request a spot to sleep. After a moment's hesitation, ey sent End Waking a quick message, as well. Ey received simple acknowledgements from both. + +Ey doctored the skunk's coffee to her liking and returned to the room to set it down on the bedside table closest to her, taking a cue from True Name and moving noisily enough that she'd know ey was there without being obnoxiously loud. + +A moment's thought was spent on shifting the weather in the sim to something warmer, more springlike. Ey'd heard enough kvetching about the snow the last few days to figure that might help as well. + +From there, ey spent half an hour queuing up some meals for her, working in a cone of silence. Things that she'd mentioned as comfort foods in the past, all things that ey could cook emself or create in-sim through something acquired on the exchange. Chicken soup, mashed potatoes, more poor-skunk's-risotto. + +While ey was prepping and stocking the food, another thought occurred to em. It was unlikely, but True Name might need to come back to the house, either to create more goods or to sleep or just to get out of the elements. To keep this from bothering May while she took the time she needed, ey shifted the ACLs of the house to be owner-only, so that those trying to enter would have to specifically request access, then stepped just inside the other bedroom's door and created a new entry-point for True Name so that she could go just to the bedroom without entering the rest of the house. + +True Name sent a curt ping of acknowledgement when ey sent the information over via sensorium message. + +Ey tried not to let it rankle. Everything felt so confined and restricted. So much of eir circle of friends was out in the world and so few of them came over with any frequency that to suddenly have even those ey was closest to—romantically in the case of May, and by friendship and sheer proximity in the case of True Name—requesting eir absence felt like ey was being cut off from everyone. + +``Which isn't true,'' ey mumbled to emself while packing up eir notes. ``Security's one thing, but it's not like everyone's inaccessible. Keeping everyone safe doesn't mean cutting off contact for yourself, Ioan.'' + +Ey looked down to eir small stack of notebooks and the three-pen case resting atop it and sighed. ``And talking to yourself doesn't count.'' + +With that, ey peeked in the bedroom one last time. May had sat up and was staring dully down into her mug of coffee, blanket worn like a hooded robe. Her cheek-fur was already streaked with tears. + +``I'm going to head out, May. Douglas's, as usual. Be safe, okay?'' + +\emph{Okay,} she signed. + +``Need anything else before I go?'' + +\emph{Hug.} + +Ey nodded and stepped further into the room, leaning in to get eir arms around the skunk. She didn't return the gesture, but did at least push her snout up under eir chin momentarily before leaning away. Given the tightness in her face, ey suspected an onslaught of emotion was only just being held at bay. + +``Love you, May. Lots and lots.'' + +She managed to sign an I-love-you before pulling the `hood' of blankets down enough to hide her face. + +Knowing she'd only resent em if ey lingered or touched her again, ey clutched eir notebooks to eir chest, waved, and quickly stepped out to the field of dandelions and grass. The light and heat were a shock, and ey stood, swaying, for a moment, simply squinting out to the horizon. + +Ey queued up a message to Douglas and murmured, ``I'm here, but going for a walk, first,'' before heading away from the house. + +There was nothing out there. No destination. No variance in the rolling hills of well-tended grass and the yellow suns of dandelions. The only break at all in the landscape was Douglas's house, and ey kept that at eir back. + +As ey walked, ey considered what it meant to overflow. Was it just an Odist thing? Certainly some aspects of it were. The way that Codrin described Dear's manic forking, each instance left with simply a shard of its personality, felt very Dear. May, End Waking, and True Name's overflowing all sounded uniquely them, as well, and A Finger Pointing mentioned that hers was different still, though had declined to expand on it. + +But here ey was, feeling like all of the stress of the last day, of the last few weeks had filled em up to overflowing. Presented with the sudden silence and stillness of the field, ey realized just how much ey'd been running on desperation and borrowed time. + +With the slightest break in the pressure, that loan was called due. + +Realizing that ey couldn't see the subtle rises in the land for the tears in eir eyes, ey simply sat down in the grass and cried. \emph{If I am overflowing,} some remote part of em thought, \emph{then I can certainly see the appeal to it. Catharsis indeed.} + +Though there was certainly nothing ey could have done to stop it, ey decided to just own it and let it take its course, hollering curses into the cone of silence ey had the presence of mind to set up, clutching at the grass to keep emself anchored to the ground. Ey'd watched a good friend (for that's what True Name was, wasn't she?) nearly get assassinated in front of em, had dealt with eir partner's lingering resentment towards her down-tree instance come into conflict with her constant presence, had watched May push True Name to near catatonia after encouraging her to accept a century and a half's worth of memories from End Waking. Ey had watched both overflow in the span of a few hours. + +And when ey stopped cycling over the last two weeks, ey simply wept for the sheer relief it provided. + +When ey'd cried emself out and cleaned emself up, ey levered emself up off the ground and trudged back toward the house. The least ey could do was say hi and get another cup of coffee. + +Douglas Hadje was sitting on the stoop of his house, waiting for em. + +``Hey, Douglas. Sorry about that.'' + +He stood and offered em a hug, which ey accepted gratefully. ``No worries, walks are good too. How's May?'' + +``She's\ldots well, she'll get by. I just hope it doesn't last too long. Thanks for letting me stay. Please tell me you put coffee on.'' diff --git a/mitzvot/content/old/022.tex b/mitzvot/content/old/022.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..4aa24cf --- /dev/null +++ b/mitzvot/content/old/022.tex @@ -0,0 +1,139 @@ +\hypertarget{debarre-2350}{% +\chapter{Debarre — 2350}\label{debarre-2350}} +\markboth{Debarre — 2350}{} + +Neither Debarre nor End Waking had visited Michelle's field in decades, and certainly not since it had become Douglas's. End Waking had last seen it on the day that she had quit in 2306, and had had little desire to return since. There were no dandelions in the forest; he had specifically requested so from Serene. + +It had been much longer for Debarre, going clear back into the 2200s, back when Michelle and Sasha were still alive and coherent enough to speak to without getting overwhelmed into silence every few minutes. The memories of her were painful enough as it was—that last visit with her in End Waking's forest especially—that he'd never had the courage to come back, and then never a reason, which came with its own ache. + +Given how much the clade that she'd left behind was struggling, though, it felt fitting to accept when Douglas invited him and End Waking over to talk with Ioan. + +``Ey's in a funk, and from what ey says, I think you two are the only others that know why,'' he had said, paused, then added, ``Except maybe those I don't think any of us want to see.'' + +Both of them stood still after arriving, just bathing in—or struggling against—the waves of memory that came with the sudden onslaught of warmth and sun and the baked goods scent of dandelions thick in the air. + +Ioan greeted them at the door. Ey seemed happy enough, if tired. Still smiling and bowing to them as ey usually did. They finished their greetings and settled on the grass in front of the house along with Douglas, End Waking having refused to go inside. After, though, ey had stared down into eir glass of lemonade and spoke little. + +Finally, Debarre nudged em gently with an elbow. ``Alright, Ioan, you're gonna need to spill it at some point, here. What's going on? All we were told is that you were feeling rough about the last few days.'' + +Ey sighed and plucked a dandelion. ``Right, sorry, you two. Or three, I guess. I know I've been a bit of a mope of late. You alright to talk about True Name?'' + +``Ioan, I appreciate you asking, but please do not worry about us,'' End Waking chided. ``If we have come to help \emph{you}, you need not spare our feelings. We can pretty well guess who would be at the center of this.'' + +``I'm pretty sure it's me, actually,'' ey said with a wry smile. ``I've been stuck between May and True Name for days now, or years if you count the time since the convergence and I started trying to smooth things out with the coffee dates. + +``I've just been struggling with it all. It's been too much from the moment everything with True Name happened. The last few days were the worst, though. True Name didn't really handle the merge all that well. She collapsed and was nearly unresponsive for several hours, and since then, she's been struggling to integrate various chunks of memories.'' + +``My feelings towards her work? That I built my identity around not being her?'' + +``That and your relationship with Debarre.'' + +The weasel and skunk both looked at each other, ears splayed. + +``I'd thought of that, but, uh\ldots{}'' Debarre cleared his throat. ``Well, actually hearing it put like that casts it in a bit of a different light.'' + +``I hope that she does not mind the memories of sex to go along with the resentment,'' End Waking said, then laughed when Debarre poked him in the side. ``We are all adults here, my dear.'' + +``I'm the baby, I think,'' Douglas said. ``I'm seventy-two.'' + +``So young.'' The skunk grinned. ``Debarre and I both have two centuries on you. Still, I am pretty sure that we can acknowledge the existence of sex, is what I mean.'' + +``And it doesn't exactly sound like she's a stranger to that herself, anyway.'' + +End Waking blinked, taken aback. ``She actually told you about Zacharias?'' + +``Who?'' Douglas asked. + +``An\ldots erstwhile lover, as she put it,'' Ioan said carefully. ``I probably shouldn't go too much into that, though.'' + +``Agreed,'' Debarre said. ``But as you were saying, she was having trouble?'' + +``Yeah. I wasn't expecting her to get completely taken out, but May did kind of force it on her all in one go. She lasted a few days, but I think she was pushing herself pretty hard to appear strong. She crashed really hard yesterday and, despite a pretty pleasant morning, had to step out to Arrowhead Lake, and when she came back, she looked like she was about ready to start yelling at us. May was also trying to stick around as long as she could, I think, since she crashed almost immediately. We made it through the night, but she couldn't even speak this morning.'' + +``That's a shitload to have to deal with, yeah.'' + +Ey nodded. ``Friend almost gets assassinated, almost goes crazy from a merge, and disappears. Partner freaks out after a conversation, then freaks out when the merge goes sideways and mentions she was thinking of merging down, herself, then requests that I disappear. It's just\ldots a lot.'' + +``Wait, \emph{May} wanted to merge down?'' Douglas said. ``Wasn't expecting that.'' + +``Well, I don't know quite how much `wanted' fits, but I asked if she was thinking about it and she said yes. I couldn't quite piece together why, though. After End Waking merged down, she mentioned that there was at least a part of her that was feeling vengeful, so I think I was worried that maybe she was considering piling on her own vengeance, or that maybe she would be trying to help make her a better person.'' Ey shrugged and added, ``Or both. She did seem to have True Name's best interests at heart when she forced the merge. At least mostly.'' + +End Waking nodded. ``She did mention being torn, yes. She wanted to kick her out but also wanted to help her get away from Jonas.'' + +``She's certainly softening on her.'' + +``And how're you taking it?'' Debarre asked. Something about Ioan—eir posture, eir face, something—made it seem like this was the question ey was dreading the most. + +There was a long silence before ey answered. ``It's really getting to me. I don't even know why, either. I think it honestly would help True Name in the end if it were just May merging down, but having that be the case with her memories of us together feels like\ldots well, it kind of makes me jealous. Those are our memories that we made together. Our fights and good times, our affection--'' + +``Probably most of the memories, there,'' Debarre stage-whispered, getting a smirk out of Ioan. + +``Yeah. Our affection and our sex, too, for that matter. Suddenly, True Name would have all that. I think it also started grating on me because of how\ldots real End Waking's was. It wouldn't just be a library for her perusal, but she will have actually lived them. She will have actually--'' Ey frowned, as though digging for the words. + +``She'll have actually loved you, maybe?'' Debarre guessed. + +Eir face fell and ey sighed. ``Yeah. That. Putting it that way makes it feel terrible, but it's exactly that.'' + +``I was pulling back when she and Zacharias were getting close,'' End Waking said, sounding thoughtful. ``And I have been her. We were both Michelle. I know that she is capable of experiencing romantic feelings. They will not be alien to her.'' + +``And now she's been \emph{you,}'' Debarre added. ``And you've got romantic feelings, too. At least, I hope so.'' + +End Waking pushed him over onto the ground. ``If you imply that I do not have romantic feelings for you again, I will make you hunt our meals for a week.'' + +He laughed. ``Love you too, E.W.'' + +``What I am saying, though, is that it will not be alien to her. She will have experienced love for others, and the loss of that love. She will have already experienced love for others through another's memories and experiences, even. You can trust her to integrate that, I believe.'' + +``Even though she was struggling with integrating those memories of yours?'' + +``Perhaps especially so. I think that she is struggling because it clashes with her personality, not that she feels that she might love Debarre. Though, my dear,'' he said, nodding to Debarre, ``I can guarantee that just about every Odist is at least a little in love with you.'' + +He shook his head and waved the comment away. ``Yeah, yeah.'' + +More than one of them had confessed as much to him over the centuries, and it wasn't until he'd actually conceded that something about End Waking landed in that sweet spot of attraction and personality match enough to at least try dating that they'd stopped. He was thankful that they seemed happy enough to live vicariously through him. He had liked Sasha and Michelle, loved her in that sympatico that true friends can share, friends who had shared trauma, so he didn't begrudge them their feelings, but any more felt pretty far out of his league as a gay man. + +Instead, he nudged Ioan with his elbow again. ``So if you don't need to worry about it from True Name's side, and you know you're worrying about it from your own side, how do you feel about it from May's point of view?'' + +``How do you mean?'' + +``Well, do you have any worries about her? Do you think she does? Has she talked about it at all?'' + +``Not much. She said she'd been considering it, but that seeing how the current merge was making her struggle had her in doubt. I told her I want to make sure it'd be consensual on everyone's behalf, this time. I guess--'' + +``Whoa, wait,'' Douglas interrupted, frowning. ``She didn't even talk with True Name about this merge?'' + +``They talked a few times in a cone of silence, so maybe then, but otherwise not that I saw. She just stopped True Name in the middle of ranting about her calling and sent End Waking a message to merge, far as I could tell.'' + +``That's kind of shitty.'' + +Ey shrugged. ``I suppose, but no need to pile on her or anything, I think she's beating herself up over it worse than any of us could do.'' + +Douglas nodded. ``Well, that bit I believe. Think that contributed to her overflowing?'' + +``Almost certainly, yeah. Correct me if I'm wrong, End Waking, but while I don't think it's solely tied to external events, they can have an effect on it.'' + +The skunk nodded. He'd started panting in the heat of the sun, so it took him a moment to reply. ``It comes over us like a wave. Some of us more quickly than others. It is slower in onset for me than for either of them, I believe.'' + +Debarre chimed in. ``I usually have a few days warning. I've gotten mine already and was planning on heading out today, but we both wanted to come, anyway.'' + +``Is it hard for you?'' + +End Waking held up a paw. ``I want to respect Debarre's decision to share or not, but I would prefer not to be here for this conversation.'' + +``Sorry, End Waking. You don't need to answer, Debarre.'' + +The weasel shrugged. ``No, it's fine. E.W. and I have talked about it, and I get where he's coming from. It can wait.'' + +``Yes. He is not disallowed. We simply have our own, separate conversations about that, and it is important to me that Debarre feel comfortable talking about me with his friends, too. I cannot be the only one in his life.'' + +``Alright, makes sense. May's said similar, for that matter.'' Ey toyed with the flower ey'd plucked before, saying, ``We actually talked about other relationships shortly before this all went down, about how she'd act if she started to fall for someone else and how she'd feel if I did. One thing we didn't talk about was someone else having feelings for either of us, whether or not they'd come about them on their own or through a merger.'' + +``I'm sure there's shitloads of people in love with May Then My Name,'' Debarre said, laughing. ``But she's good at having that conversation, and you're both good at talking, so.'' + +``Too good, perhaps.'' End Waking stood. ``I am overheating and feeling restless, so I am going to return to the forest. Ioan, I do wish you the best, and I would like you to keep in touch as you are able. I am concerned about your partner, as well as for True Name, in my own way. Please keep yourself safe so that you can keep the both of them safe in turn.'' + +Ioan nodded and stood as well to bow to the skunk. ``Thanks. It really does mean a lot. I'll keep you in the loop, if nothing else.'' + +After returning the bow, End Waking held out a paw to Debarre. ``Can you return with me? Just for a few minutes.'' + +He nodded and accepted that paw. He had a feeling he knew what was coming, so even just the touch as they stepped away from the sim was worth it. diff --git a/mitzvot/content/old/023.tex b/mitzvot/content/old/023.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..92cc0b0 --- /dev/null +++ b/mitzvot/content/old/023.tex @@ -0,0 +1,133 @@ +Sure enough, once they made it back to the forest, End Waking leaned over to nose at Debarre's cheek, pulled his paw away, and looked off into the woods. Whenever it was time for him to ask Debarre to leave, he'd go through a little swell of anxiety. + +``I am sorry, my love. I know that it is not the easiest on you that I always do this.'' + +``Hey, I said I was leaving today,'' he said as reassuringly as he could. ``It's not coming out of the blue.'' + +End Waking nodded. ``You are always allowed to keep in touch.'' + +``Mmhm.'' + +``And you can drop by as long as you give me some notice, preferably a day.'' + +``I will.'' + +``And if you hear from May Then My Name or Ioan, please let me know.'' + +``E.W., shut up,'' Debarre said fondly. ``See you soon, okay?'' + +The skunk wilted, a look somewhere between relieved and resigned coming over his face. ``Yes. Soon. Thank you, my dear.'' + +``Of course. Love you, E.W.'' + +``Love you too.'' + +There was nothing else for it, then. With one last wave to the skunk (already heading off into the woods), he stepped back to the Hadjes' field. + +Ioan and Douglas were still standing where he'd left them, so he waved again. ``Sorry, back for a little bit.'' + +``On your own again?'' Ioan asked. + +He nodded. ``Yeah. It's been building up for a long time. We agreed I'd head off when the tent was done, and we just got the nets all hung yesterday. Hey, can we go inside, though? He was right, it's pretty fucking hot out here with fur.'' + +Douglas laughed. ``I'll never get you guys, him all in black fur and you wearing black clothes over yours. Yeah, come on. There's more lemonade.'' + +Ioan held back enough to let Douglas take the lead, falling in step with Debarre, instead. ``Does it bother you?'' + +``Hmm? E.W. asking me to leave?'' + +``Yeah.'' + +He thought for a bit, then shrugged. ``Bothers, yeah, but that's really about it. Helps that I usually just quit and merge down with \#Tracker, so it's not like I've got \emph{just} the relationship to worry about. I've got my own stuff going on besides him, and other relationships that merge in every now and then.'' + +``That sounds handy, at least.'' + +``His overflowing is also way less dramatic than May Then My Name's, which sounds pretty painful to watch.'' + +Ioan nodded. + +``Sorry, Ioan. Don't mean to keep it all on the surface for you.'' + +Ey shrugged. ``I asked, it's alright.'' + +Once they were all inside and Debarre had cooled off, Douglas asked, ``So what do you think about all this?'' + +``\,`All this'?'' He laughed. ``Way too fucking much to say one way or another. Narrow it down?'' + +``Oh, I meant the stuff with End Waking merging down. I'm still stuck on May asking him to do that without talking it through with True Name, first.'' + +``Well, like I said, she was conflicted about it when she brought it up. Said she wanted her to disappear into ignor\ldots ignoble\ldots{}'' + +``Ignominy?'' Ioan offered. + +``Right, yeah. But she also said that she wanted her to get out of this mess and away from Jonas, `that living, breathing sack of shit', in her words.'' + +They laughed. + +``But I'd been thinking much the same, I guess. If she does disappear, I'd probably feel at least a little bit of vindication for the way she jerked us all around without us realizing it and all that shit she did with the Council. I'd also feel like there was a fraction less of my friend around, though, too. I love E.W., I'm happy he's in my life, we get along well for the most part, but there's also this layer of, like\ldots well, he was part of Sasha and Michelle, and they and I went through a lot together.'' + +``You talk about those two facets like different people,'' Ioan said. ``Sorry, not to derail. Just that I noticed that. None of the Odists do.'' + +``Most, maybe. I picked it up from Hammered Silver, who spent probably more time with them than anyone. All their instances feel singular, I imagine, but they were two instances in one. Sasha was this really emotional, really caring person. It wasn't that Michelle wasn't, just that when she was at the fore, she was much more\ldots I don't know. Logical? Rational?'' + +``And when it was both? When she was in flux, or whatever?'' + +``Then she was just tired,'' he said, smiling at memories. ``But right, before I totally lose track, you asked how I feel. Uh, I guess I feel scared.'' + +Ioan furrowed eir brow. ``Really? + +``Yeah. That she collapsed made me confront the fact that, no, I don't really want her dead or anything, that I really would hate to lose her. Even if she's not the part of my friend I like the most, not a part that I even remember seeing before, she's still \emph{a} part of them.'' He hesitated, then added, ``And it changed E.W. Not the forking and merging itself, but that he even did that. It sounds like May Then My Name used the fact that True Name was all worked up to force her to accept the whole merge all at once. She kind of did the same with E.W. I don't know what her message was, but it looked like it scared the shit out of him, so he kind of did it without really thinking. They'd been talking about Zacharias the last few days, I do know that.'' + +``Since her and True Name's conversation about him?'' + +``Now that you mention it, yeah. He's been a bit different since.'' + +``Different how?'' Douglas asked. + +``Like\ldots still all worried, and still a little in shock, but also like a little bit of a load was taken off. He's been a bit lighter. Silly, even. You heard him, though. He even said he's worried for her. I can't explain it, and we never really talked it through. It's not bad, but I can still tell.'' + +Ioan nodded and rubbed eir palms against the legs of eir slacks as ey always seemed to do during stressful conversations. ``He did seem a bit freer of speech today,'' ey mused. ``But that makes sense. He finally got to tell her how he feels, and they didn't even have to talk to each other.'' + +``Has May Then My Name changed, too?'' + +``I can't tell. She's been so wrapped up in trying to live around someone she doesn't really like, and then with all of the fallout from the merge. Maybe she has? She's at least been able to talk with True Name without blowing up at her, and they've even had some conversations that seemed enjoyable at times, so, maybe?'' + +He raised his eyebrows. ``Really? The way she talked about True Name for a while there\ldots whew.'' + +``That bad?'' + +``Did she not talk about her to you?'' + +Ey shrugged. ``Every now and then, and sometimes she'd get pretty pissed, but it was only once a year or so.'' + +``Mm, about the same amount, but maybe she kept it a bit\ldots I dunno, gentler for you, since you were meeting up with True Name. She'd come over once a year or so and just go off for a while. It kinda became routine. She'd vent, then we'd have a good day.'' + +Ioan switched to rubbing eir hands over her face. ``I don't even know what to do about her.'' + +``Nothing,'' Douglas said. ``Nothing but love her and keep talking, I mean. She's a grown woman, she can work out her feelings well enough. Hell, she's already seeing a therapist.'' + +Ey slumped back dramatically against the couch cushions. ``Why does \emph{everyone} tell me to stop fixing others' problems for them? Even the intellectual side of me is in on the game.'' + +They laughed. + +``It's so hard to actually internalize. I'll catch myself trying to mend her and True Name's relationship or make May feel better or whatever, and I'll have to force myself to relax.'' + +``It's not a bad thing,'' Debarre said. ``I mean, you still shouldn't do that all the time, but it's at least a sign that you're just a good person who wants to do right by eir friends.'' + +Ey smiled gratefully. ``I'm at least trying. May's done her own fair share of trying to help, but that at least fits her M.O. One more question, then I think I need to table the topic for a bit.'' + +``Sure.'' + +``Do you think it was the right thing to do?'' + +``Yeah,'' he said, surprising himself with how readily the answer came to him. ``I don't think it would have worked if E.W. had just merged down without all the other dramatic shit. I think she would've just rejected it, or if she did accept the merge, just cherry-picked parts of it. As it is, though, with Jonas after her neck and May Then My Name using all her wiles to convince both her and E.W., I think it's worth it, though she probably would've preferred to fork first. I don't honestly see her coming out of this still in power or whatever, but if she \emph{does} make it out, I think it'll help her move on.'' + +Ioan stared up at the ceiling thoughtfully, occasionally mumbling to emself. + +He shrugged to Douglas and asked, ``Well, I skipped breakfast and I'm not ready to merge back down yet. Want some food? That'll at least be more pleasant.'' + +After another hour's conversation over lunch—much happier conversation, thankfully—Debarre stepped back to his home sim and quit to let \#Tracker catch up on the current happenings. + +Debarre\#Tracker conducted a thorough security sweep and, finding no bugs, those little hidden instances he'd grown so paranoid of, he sighed and slouched back in his desk chair, rubbing paws over his face. ``Well, shit. This complicates things, doesn't it?'' + +He queued up a sensorium message to Yared, user11824, and a few other friends he'd kept in touch with while following along with (and occasionally meddling in) the political affairs of the system. `Reactionary elements' indeed. diff --git a/mitzvot/content/old/024.tex b/mitzvot/content/old/024.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..66c6c7c --- /dev/null +++ b/mitzvot/content/old/024.tex @@ -0,0 +1,129 @@ +\hypertarget{ioan-bux103lan-2350}{% +\chapter{Ioan Bălan — 2350}\label{ioan-bux103lan-2350}} +\markboth{Ioan Bălan — 2350}{} + +Once they were fed and Debarre was safely on his way home—or at least merged down-tree—Ioan begged off from talking any further and trudged down the hall to the spare room ey borrowed whenever May needed space. Ey claimed to need a nap and, while ey was certainly tired enough, sleep seemed unlikely. + +The walk and cry in the field before ey'd joined Douglas at his house had been necessary, but also had only served to highlight just how woefully out of eir depth ey truly was. + +``Hi Sarah,'' ey said, starting a simplex sensorium message. ``Sorry to bother you, and sorry we haven't spoken in a few weeks. I know I was vague when I canceled our last appointment, but things have gone completely sideways. I'm not totally sure how open you'd be to this, but can we meet and talk, even if I'm restricted to talking in very general terms about what's going on? I need to talk to someone who can help me sort through my thoughts around it, I just can't share details yet. It has to do with True Name, so I'm sure you can appreciate just how complicated it is. Let me know if that's alright. I'm\ldots I'm at Douglas's for a few days. Thanks.'' + +Then, ey lay down on the bed, still dressed and over the covers, and stared at the ceiling, trying to think about as little as possible. + +Ey was startled awake by a sensorium message. Grunting and wiping eir hands over eir face to try and bring reality back into focus through the near drunken haze of waking up from an ill-advised nap, ey set the message to running. + +``Good to hear from you, Ioan. I'll admit that I was pretty concerned when you canceled. I don't usually worry about you, but that's also the first time you've had to do so in nearly four years. I can be free whenever you need, and am happy to meet you either there or here. I don't have any problems holding off on details until a later date. Just let me know.'' + +Ey groaned and ground the heels of eir palms against eir closed eyes, trying to will away the grogginess that clung to em, somehow managing to feel both sticky and slippery. + +A quick shower had em feeling well enough to respond, and by the time she arrived, ey'd made tea for emself and met her, mug in hand, at the door. + +Ey bowed. ``Thanks for coming on such short notice.'' + +She offered em a hug. ``It's alright. I figure if whatever is happening has all three of you canceling appointments and you requesting short-notice ones, it's probably important.'' + +``Sorry, just woke up, feeling rough,'' ey said, declining the hug. ``But yeah. Important, overwhelming, dramatic. Would you be alright talking outside? That nap destroyed me and I'm still feeling disconnected from everything.'' + +``Works for me.'' + +``So, uh\ldots well, where to start.'' Ey spoke haltingly, once they'd made their way out into the grass and light and blue skies. ``Right. As of a few weeks ago, for reasons I can't get into just yet, True Name has been staying in an extra room we dug at the house. A few days ago--'' + +``Whoa, wait. I know you said no specifics, but can you tell me a little more about that? I can't picture that working at \emph{all.}'' + +Ey sighed. ``Yeah, well, that's part of why I'm here and not at home, I guess.'' + +She nodded, gestured for em to continue. + +``Well, she\ldots hmm. She ran into some interpersonal trouble that was dramatic enough to require staying around people well enough known on the System that she'd be safe.'' Ey winced, adding, ``I know that's not much to go by. Either way, she's staying in our place. She's been fairly self-contained, but not totally so, so there's been some interaction between the three of us. Before you ask, it was May's idea in the first place, and while there have been a few rough spots, it's gone far smoother than I would have thought.'' + +``Still, I imagine that just having the anxiety of it potentially going rough doesn't feel good.'' + +``Not at all, no. I've been feeling like I'm constantly on guard, always ready to jump in and smooth things out, even if I haven't really had to do so. I'm trying to let them both just do their own thing, though, and every time I catch myself feeling that way, I try to change contexts.'' + +``That's good,'' she said. ``Has it been helping, at least?'' + +``If you'd asked me that a few days ago, I would have said yes, but now that I'm here and struggling to hold it together, I'm not so sure. I think I was just pushing it down without\ldots I don't know, redirecting it or dealing with it.'' + +She nodded. ``Alright. I want to come back to that, but I interrupted your overview. Can you tell me what else happened?'' + +``Right. So, through some strange turn of events, both True Name and May wound up overflowing at the same time. True Name is staying at another private sim we know and May's at home while I'm here. All of this hit a few days back when May and True Name had a conversation that left both of them drained, and then True Name had to deal with a merge large enough that she collapsed.'' + +``Not May Then My Name\ldots{}'' Sarah hazarded, frowning. + +``No.~Another cocladist, though.'' + +Ey saw comprehension dawn in her features, and that frown only deepened. She gestured for em to continue. + +``But\ldots well. So there's two things that I think fall out of this that I'd get the most out of talking about. The first is that I'm having a lot of complicated feelings surrounding True Name throughout this, and the second is that May did mention that she'd been considering merging down with her until the previous merge went so sideways.'' + +She looked down to the grass thoughtfully as they walked. ``Can you tell me about how you feel about the merge, first?'' + +``I didn't really get the chance to ask her about why it was that she was considering merging. We promised to talk about it more, but after that, things happened pretty quickly. There's a weird sort of jealousy that goes along with it. May and I have built our own life completely independent of True Name. We bowed out of politics and writing these grand, System-spanning tales and focused on just being together. That's why I got into writing plays, I think: it was a way for me to do the things that felt comfortable for me that didn't involve being wrapped up in all these crazy goings-on. + +``So we built our life together. True Name respected that, too. She would ask about me and May, and seemed earnestly happy that we'd gone and done something so\ldots normal.'' + +``Do you think she's envious of that?'' + +Ey frowned and scuffed a heel through the grass. ``I don't know, honestly. Again, if you'd asked me a few weeks ago, I would have said probably not, that she's got her own things that make her happy which don't involve putting on plays or poking fun at each other. Now, though, I'm not so sure. This whole thing about the merge adds another layer onto that, because suddenly, True Name would have all of those memories.'' + +``Does it bother you that she would have the memories, or are you worried about her having those emotions? Do you worry she'd start feeling about you the way that May Then My Name does?'' + +``Well, shit.'' Ey groaned. ``I didn't even think about that. Like, we've talked about what her having memories of loving me would mean, but always past-tense. I didn't think about if she herself—she as True Name I mean—would pick up on exactly how May felt about me as well. I have no clue. Maybe on some level I do worry, though. I like the way May feels about me. We've talked about jealousy a few times, and it often comes up that she feels devoted to me. I'm really not sure how I'd feel having that come from another, never mind one that I have as complicated a relationship with as I do with True Name.'' + +``Does this tie in with the complicated feelings you mentioned, then?'' + +Ey bought emself some time to think about an answer by bending down to pluck a dandelion, twirling it between eir fingers. ``I guess I have to share one detail, which is that there was an attempt on her life back on Secession day.'' + +Sarah blinked and stopped up short. ``One moment,'' she said, then closed her eyes, her lips moving faintly in a non-vocalized sensorium message. Ey politely turned away. Finally, she caught eir attention once more. ``I checked in with the instance that's been meeting with True Name and she said that she received a message from her back on Secession day that sounded really panicked.'' + +``What was it about?'' ey asked. ``If you can share, that is.'' + +``Not the specifics, but she mentioned that True Name did cancel appointments for the foreseeable future with the promise to come back as soon as she could.'' + +Ey nodded. ``Well, then yes, that'd be why. She's safe, at least. Staying with us means that no one can come after her without exposing themselves,'' ey said as reassuringly as ey could. Ey felt bad leaving out the fact that True Name wasn't in contact at all with either of them, but that felt like it was on the list of things ey couldn't share. + +``Has this changed how you feel about her, then?'' + +``I don't know if it's changed things, necessarily, so much as made me more cognizant of how I felt about her before. I think I mentioned around the time that it came up that we had a conversation about how she said that it was nice to just have a friend, and how I translated that as a friendly acquaintance that wasn't just another politician.'' + +``And I called you out on the fact that you later said you thought of her more like a friendly coworker than anything.'' + +Ey laughed. ``Right. Well, with all that's gone down, with how it felt to see her in danger and then to see her struggling with the ramifications of being cut off and the effects of the merge, I think I'm a lot more comfortable just calling her a friend. I don't think I'd feel like this if she were a `friendly coworker'.'' + +``You have a far more complex relationship than what is implied by `friend'. It could just be a language thing, that that word implies a greater level of shared happiness than you have, but, confronted by how much you care about her in the context of what happened, you're bumping up against the broader definition of friend of someone you \emph{can} feel that much care for.'' + +Ey nodded. They fell into silence as they walked while Ioan took the time to process. + +It certainly tallied, too. Even though May's overflowing had overshadowed it—reasonably so, given the importance of their relationship—ey'd been hit hard by True Name overflowing, as well. Seeing her struggling, upset and overwhelmed, having to claim that same solitude that End Waking did, touched on that care. The need to fix things was a symptom of that confusing sense of care, ey suspected, rather than just something isolated. + +``I don't know if you were necessarily talking to me, but just in case you were, I'd agree with your assessment.'' + +Ey jumped at the sudden realization that ey'd said at least part of that out loud, then laughed. ``Sorry, I was mumbling, wasn't I? I've been doing that a lot lately. I was trying to keep that dialogue internal, but I appreciate the confirmation.'' + +She smiled. ``I suspected so. I'm used to it, now. So, before I continue, are you looking to work on disentangling this, some ideas for where to go next, or just talking?'' + +``I wouldn't turn down an idea or two, but I've already gotten a lot out of having the chance to talk through the emotional side. There are a few others in the loop that I've been able to talk with, but that's all been about logistics, or about May and True Name rather than myself.'' Ey sighed, adding, ``I was a mess when I first got here. Doesn't feel great to say, but I spent so much energy on them I kind of forgot to take care of myself.'' + +``That it doesn't feel great to say is a sign that you care deeply enough to not want to detract from that energy, so it's not a bad thing, but you do need to take care of yourself, yes.'' She looked thoughtful for a moment, then said, ``Alright. I know you said they're both currently overflowing, but what do you think about talking with each of them about how you're feeling about this?'' + +``Uh, well, I mean,'' ey stammered. ``I guess I should, yeah.'' + +``\,`Should'?'' + +``Right. Should statement. I'd like to, but they both feel kind of fraught. Talking with May about being friends with True Name has come up before but feels fraught with how they feel about each other, or at least felt about each other. Hell, I don't know how I'd tell True Name I care about her, either. And I don't particularly want to be the one to broach May merging down with True Name. That feels like a conversation they should start as cocladists.'' + +``They're complicated topics, and I'm not saying you \emph{must} talk about them, but it'll only help for the three of you to all be on the same page. It'd be a good exercise for you to be more active, as well.'' + +Ey nodded. + +``You look like you're fading. Want to call it for now and then we can get in touch soon?'' + +``Uh, yeah, probably,'' ey said. It was only just settling into evening, but the nap still had em out of sorts. ``Thank you, though. This was immensely helpful. I don't think any of us are in a position to hold to a schedule at the moment, given further complicated stuff going on behind the scenes, but I'll definitely be in touch when I can, and will nudge both of them to do the same.'' + +``Ioan.'' + +Ey stopped up short, winced. ``Right, sorry. Not my job.'' + +``Thank you,'' she said, grinning. ``I'll touch base with each of them, don't worry. One more tip before I go: take care of yourself. That whole golden rule thing applies to you, too, you know. Treat others well, but remember you still need to be treated well, too.'' + +``I'll certainly try.'' diff --git a/mitzvot/content/old/025.tex b/mitzvot/content/old/025.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..c5d7be7 --- /dev/null +++ b/mitzvot/content/old/025.tex @@ -0,0 +1,117 @@ +\begin{center}\rule{0.5\linewidth}{0.5pt}\end{center} + +May arrived without any warning. She would usually ping either em or Douglas, giving them a few minutes to get out into the field and prepare for a pouncing. + +This time, however, Ioan awoke before dawn to a small, furry form crawling into bed with em, whispering for em to scoot over. Some sleepy part of em remembered that Douglas had locked down the ACLs to all unannounced visitors shortly after ey'd arrived with the news. + +All except May, apparently. + +Ey shifted the pillow ey'd been hugging out of the way and held the covers up for her to squirm beneath them and fit herself comfortably against eir front, draping them back over them both as ey got eir arms around her. Ey was too tired to do anything other than mumble a quiet greeting, and she didn't seem all that keen on talking either, so they simply dozed with each other for another few hours. + +With the sun warming the far wall of the room, they woke slowly, May squirming around enough to face em so that she could press her nose to eirs. + +``Good morning, my dear.'' + +``Morning, May. Surprised to see you here.'' + +She shrugged, nosed her way down beneath eir chin. ``I woke up early feeling well enough to come by, but did not want to wake you.'' + +``Or wait?'' + +``I missed you, Ioan, why would I wait?'' + +Ey nudged at her snout with eir chin. ``Well, I missed you too, so it works out. Just surprised to see you here so soon.'' + +``I am not feeling spectacular, but I am feeling well enough to not be alone. Now does not feel like a good time to be alone.'' She leaned back enough to smile at em, and though it was a little shaky and her face was still a mess, ey was pleased to see that it was earnest. ``Are you okay, though? I do not imagine it was the best of times for this to happen.'' + +Remembering eir conversation with Sarah only two days back, ey checked the urge to refocus the conversation on her, instead saying, ``It was a little rough, yeah. I got in touch with Sarah and set up an emergency thing a few hours after I got here.'' + +``I am sorry, Ioan.'' + +``Hush, it's not on you. Plus, I canceled the last one, so it was good to catch up with her about what's going on, if only in very general terms. I guess I just kind of overflowed a little, myself. Everything's been so stressful the last few weeks and I didn't feel like I could do anything about it.'' + +``And did you come to any conclusions?'' + +``Not particularly, but you know how it goes,'' ey said. ``Talked a bit about next steps, at least, about how I should probably make sure that I take care of myself, too.'' + +She laughed. ``Yes, you should.'' + +They lay in silence for a few minutes, May simply relaxing in eir arms while ey tried to decide how much else to share from the impromptu appointment. + +\emph{She's here and we have time, might as well,} ey thought + +``We also talked about your thoughts on merging down. Don't want to overwhelm you, though, if you're not up for talking about that.'' + +``I was going to bring it up later, myself. I have had further thoughts.'' + +``Shall you go first, or I?'' + +``You, please.'' + +Ey nodded. ``Alright. It wound up being more about jealousy than anything, and what it was that I was actually feeling protective of when it came to the idea. Some of it is the fact that we've built a pretty good life together, and it took a lot of work. I'm not sure how I feel about her having the memories of that.'' + +``End Waking said much the same, that he had put all his effort into his penance and that he would like her to come by that through her own work.'' + +``Pretty similar, yeah. I'd be really happy for her if she built a life that included the happiness and comfort outside of work that we have, but a large part of me wants her to come by that honestly. The other bit that Sarah brought up was whether or not I was worried that her incorporating your memories of us together would lead to her feeling about me the way you do.'' + +There was a long silence after that. Ey did eir best to quell eir impatience. With how much the topic had been weighing on em over the last few days, ey desperately wanted to hear her side of it, as well. + +Finally, she said, ``I have been thinking about that quite a bit since the topic came up, but only from my point of view. I did not think about how it might feel for you, for which I apologize.'' + +Ey shook eir head. ``You've had a lot going on. What thoughts did you have on it, though?'' + +``I have also been trying to pick apart my jealousy. I have said in the past that I am not opposed to you finding companionship with others, whether romantic or sexual or whatever. I am starting to think, though, that that would only apply to a type of companionship that does not overlap with what you and I have. I want nothing more than for you to feel fulfilled, my dear, and if that means finding fulfillment for the areas that I do not cover, I would only ever be pleased.'' She sighed, thought for a moment longer, and then continued more quietly, ``For someone to feel about you precisely what I do, even if it is tempered by other memories, is too close to the devotion that I am most protective of.'' + +``Have you changed your mind on merging?'' + +``I do not know, Ioan. I go back and forth on the issue and at the moment, rather more back than forth.'' She giggled, licked at eir chin, adding, ``Or forth than back. The metaphor fails.'' + +``You took that one a bit far, yeah,'' ey said, laughing. ``But I think I'm too tired to talk about this much more. Did you have coffee before coming over?'' + +``I did not. If you make me a cup, I will love you forever.'' + +Ey nudged her out of bed so that ey could get up as well, saying, ``I thought you were going to do that anyway, but I guess a cup of coffee is a small price to pay.'' + +Douglas had beaten them to the coffee pot, which made the process all the easier. + +``Hey, May,'' he said, returning the offered hug and kissing her cheek. ``Figured that was you this morning. Feeling better?'' + +She nodded and slumped down into a chair, cradling her coffee in both paws. ``Mostly, yes. I am still below baseline, but it was more important that I see you two than to return all the way.'' + +``Well, glad to see you made it through.'' + +``You will not quit me so easily, Douglas Hadje, doctor of incredibly boring things. How are you, though? Has Ioan caught you up on everything?'' + +``I think so, yeah. Ey, Debarre, and End Waking did. Assassins, mergers, Jonas being terrible, Zacharias. Did I miss anything?'' + +She shook her head. ``That is the whole of it, I think. We continue to be dramatic about everything we do.'' + +He laughed. ``I mean, not going to deny that, but I'm also going to put a large part of this on Jonas, rather than you all.'' + +``Do you have any thoughts on it?'' + +``Besides the fact that you're all nuts?'' + +``Yes, well, that is indisputable. I would merge down with you if I could to give you a taste of it, but alas, it does not work that way.'' + +Douglas lifted his cup in a toast. ``For which I'm grateful. It sounds like a nightmare.'' + +``Yes, yes. Such is the life of an Odist.'' + +``Beyond that, though, I don't know, I don't want to lose any of you. I don't have the history with True Name that you guys do, so all I've just been thinking of her in terms of Michelle and Sasha.'' + +``You've been talking to Debarre too much,'' Ioan said. ``\,`Michelle and Sasha', I mean.'' + +Douglas's face fell. ``I never got to meet her, but from what everyone's said, it sounds like the split was pretty evident.'' + +``It was,'' May said. ``While I do not speak of her that way, Debarre is not wrong to do so.'' + +``Why not?'' + +The skunk shrugged and lapped at her coffee. ``Back when I was her, I did not think of myself that way. True Name did not think of herself that way. I know Hammered Silver does, and I am sure that others do as well. It is accurate, enough. Both can be true at once.'' + +``I wonder what would happen if all of you were able to merge back down into one instance again,'' he mused. ``Would that get close to being her?'' + +May fell silent, looking out the window at the fields over the rim of her mug. + +``I do not know,'' she said eventually. Her voice sounded far away, older than Ioan had ever heard it sound before. ``I wish I did, but I do not know.'' diff --git a/mitzvot/content/old/026.tex b/mitzvot/content/old/026.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..1393d50 --- /dev/null +++ b/mitzvot/content/old/026.tex @@ -0,0 +1,265 @@ +\begin{center}\rule{0.5\linewidth}{0.5pt}\end{center} + +``She's still not back?'' + +May shook her head, tugging Ioan by the hand over to their beanbag. ``Not yet. I would like another day before we go seeking her out, though, okay?'' + +Ey nodded as ey let emself be tugged along. Relaxing for even just a few minutes with eir partner certainly sounded better than tramping out into the woods around the lake, and some part of em marveled at just how much ey felt like ey needed it. \emph{Some day,} ey thought. \emph{I'll stop being surprised at what May's made out of me.} + +It wasn't so bad being hooked on touch and affection, though. Ey'd grown to cherish all of those little loving gestures, and flopping down on the beanbag to let May curl up on eir front and just do nothing sounded like an ideal way to spend a day if True Name was comfortable where she was out at Arrowhead Lake. + +With neither of them feeling all that keen on talking further, they simply lounged on the beanbag together, reveling in the spring-tinted sunlight. A little napping, a little petting on skunks, but mostly just calm and quiet. + +It wasn't until nearly dinner that they stirred again, Ioan squirming until ey could sit up on the beanbag cross-legged, letting May lounge draped across eir lap. + +``I have been thinking,'' May began, sounding more dozy than anything. ``But I would like to ensure you are willing to talk about this whole merger business before I shove us into a conversation.'' + +``I can do that, sure.'' + +``Would it be unfair of me to merge down?'' + +``Unfair how?'' + +She shrugged. ``There are three of us in the equation, are there not? For me to merge down takes the uniqueness of our relationship away from the two of us and turns it into a burden for her.'' + +Ey nodded and teased a few fingers through her fur. ``I can see that, I guess. Even if it's not something that she acts on, or if she even does anything with the memories, whatever you feel about us becomes something she can feel too.'' + +``Yes. As I mentioned, I am perhaps jealous of that. I would like what we have to be our own.'' + +``I think we agree on that. How do you mean `unfair', though?'' + +She twisted around until she could poke her nose on em. ``Because it would be an act that I would take. Even if we all were to agree, it is me that is changing our relationships. I would be the one taking away that uniqueness and turning it into a burden.'' + +Ioan tugged the skunk up a little further until ey could get eir arms around her. Something about her words didn't sit right with em, and ey needed at least a little bit of time to think it out. + +Perhaps she was still overflowing, in a way. At the tail end of it, sure, but every time in the past, she had waited until she was essentially feeling better before fetching em back from Douglas's, whereas this morning, she seemed to have forced herself out of that state, rightfully or otherwise, to at least not be alone. + +There was some slight distortion here, though, a way of thinking that didn't quite mesh with her personality. Ey agreed to an extent, but it was her framing that was bothering em most. + +``So,'' ey began, choosing eir words carefully. ``I did say that I'm really starting to not feel so great about the idea, but I'm not totally sure I agree with how much of that you're putting on yourself. You sound preemptively guilty.'' + +May squirmed out of eir grasp to sit on the beanbag alongside em, elbows on knees and face in paws. + +``I'm sorry, May. Maybe this isn't--'' + +``No, you are right,'' she mumbled, sounding miserable. It tugged at eir emotions to the point where ey had to restrain emself from tugging her back in for a hug, though her posture kept em at bay. ``I am not at baseline yet. Nothing makes sense. It is like having my emotions refracted through a glass of water. I probably should not even be talking about it.'' + +``It's important, I just don't want you to push yourself if you're not out of the rough patch yet.'' + +``Right, yes.'' She sighed, pushing herself wearily off the pouf. ``Everything feels so urgent, though. I feel like we must have this conversation now if we are to have it, or else the opportunity will evaporate. I know that it does not work that way, that this is not logical of me, but this is not a logical time.'' + +Scooting to the edge of the beanbag, Ioan stood as well. ``I know. We have months before we run up against Jonas's deadline, but if he's sending assassins after True Name, it sure does make it feel urgent.'' + +The skunk padded over to the kitchen, swiping a few of the dishes that Ioan had left prepared into being, lining them up in a row. ``Yes, and I cannot easily let that go. I want her to be other than she is specifically to not be so under his thumb. I want her to be better than she is to be less of what she has become, and yet even those thoughts feel like distortions. Choose your plate, my dear.'' + +Ey picked one mostly at random, winding up with a grilled cheese sandwich and some soup. ``I had been wondering as to your reasons. I felt like the idea just kind of popped into my mind based on what she was talking about at the time, what with Zacharias and all, but it came at such an inopportune time for me to actually ask why. Is it\ldots I mean, do you feel the need to fix things like we've been talking about with me?'' + +She hesitated, sighed, shook her head. ``I do not know, Ioan.'' + +Ey nodded, letting the subject drop. It didn't seem open to discussion. + +May picked up a plate of mashed potatoes and asparagus, shooing em back to the dining room table. ``I just think that she has become so singular a person that she cannot but be controlled by Jonas. Her role in guiding the System is no less real; she did the work that she does and she did it both well and proudly. But she built herself into a tool without realizing it, and over the centuries, Jonas has been teaching himself to use that to his advantage, to use her as a tool.'' + +``And rounding her out more with merges would help make her more of a generalist?'' + +Laughing, she set her plate down, tugged out her chair, and fell heavily into it. ``Generalist is a very utilitarian way to put it. You are not wrong in that it would allow her to be more than a unitasker, but it would also make her more of a person, harder to control. Someone as focused as her is easy to pin down.'' + +``I would've thought she'd see that coming, though.'' + +``Well, you have heard what she has said. She has been fed bad information by her spies--'' + +``And the other True Names. At least \#Castor.'' + +She frowned, finished chewing on her asparagus. ``There is also that, yes. It is a guess, but I think you are right. How and why he managed to work them into this plan to only subvert this instance of her is another question that I think we would all like an answer to. All the same, she has been fed bad information and had aspects of her life leveraged against her, and now, for whatever reason, Jonas is making his power-grab.'' + +``Aspects of her life meaning Zacharias?'' + +``Yes,'' she said. ``I will not call it a weakness, even as awful as he sounds. To have a relationship is not a weakness.'' + +Ey chuckled, dipping the corner of eir sandwich into the soup. ``That's a very May statement.'' + +``Of course it is,'' she said primly, stabbing another spear of asparagus before biting off the top. ``But this is yet more guesswork. I cannot say for sure that Zacharias is purely working in the hands of Jonas, but from all that she has said to me, I do not think I am too far off the mark.'' + +They ate in silence for a few minutes. + +While ey didn't mind May's ideas of comfort food, they were not especially well spiced. This was mostly by design, ey suspected, as eating spicy or sour foods when one has been (or still is) crying sounded unpleasant. Still, there was much to be said about the comfort of a good grilled cheese dipped in soup. + +``But yes,'' the skunk continued once she'd cleaned her plate. ``There was some aspect of vengeance to my and End Waking's plan, but now I just want her away from Jonas. I do not know yet whether or not I like her or want her to stay in our lives in any way, shape, or form, but I do know that I want her away from him. I want her to live and to--'' + +Both Ioan and May jolted in their seats as a flash of adrenaline ran through them. A view of a forest, a lake shore, pile of wood not yet lit, and, sitting on a log across from that, another furry. His facial structure was very similar to Dear's but where the fennec had wound up with that pristine white fur, he had ruddy orange except for the white on the underside of his chin and a dark apostrophe of fur on either side of his snout. Where Dear had wound up with almost absurdly large ears, his felt far more in proportion, along the lines of May's and True Names, though far pointier. + +One thing Dear and this new fox did share in common was the snappy dress. Where Dear had wound up in a sharp androgyny, though, the red fox had turned it into a prim masculinity that was, ey had to admit, quite effective. Black trousers, a white shirt and charcoal waistcoat, and a suit jacket. It was topped off with a simple tie and affected cane, currently being twirled lazily between black-furred paws. + +It was just a glimpse, less than a second's worth of sensorium input, but enough for em to make a guess. + +``Is that Zacharias? Wait! May! Oh, God damnit.'' + +The skunk had already stepped away + +``We have guests!'' Zacharias said, standing up and dusting off his trousers. ``I was not expecting guests. How cheeky.'' + +True Name was still kneeling before the pile of wood in what had clearly become her firepit. ``I am trying to imagine a world in which I should trust you enough to be alone with you,'' she growled. ``And failing.'' + +``Spicy, tonight, are we not?'' He grinned, turning to bow extravagantly to Ioan and May. ``Mx. and Mrs.~Bălan, I presume?'' + +``We are not married,'' May said, growling nearly as well as True Name. ``What the fuck are you doing here?'' + +``Oh, just popping in to say hi, is all,'' he said cheerily. ``Zacharias, by the way. Nice to meet you, Ioan. My dear May Then My Name, it has been more than two hundred years!'' + +``Well, hi,'' she said. ``Now get out.'' + +``Oh, I just got here, though!'' He pouted, looking between the three of them. Then the smirk returned, along with a wicked glint to his eye. ``Besides, what are you going to do about it, my dear? Bounce me?'' + +May frowned, but remained silent, arms crossed over her chest. None of them had the ACLs for such. + +``Right, I thought not. Well! Have a sit, I was just saying hi to True Name, but what's another two asses in seats?'' + +Neither Ioan nor May moved. + +``Well, fuck you, too, then,'' he said, laughing, and sat back down. ``So, True Name, my little stink bug, how are you? Roughing it out here?'' + +The skunk glowered down to the striker and knife, quickly sparking up a coal in the leaf-litter tinder she'd gathered. She blew on it a few times before setting it in a pile of larger kindling. ``I am on vacation. What the fuck does it look like?'' + +``Like you are roughing it.'' + +She rolled her eyes. + +``Look, why are you really out here?'' Ioan asked. ``Clearly it isn't just to say hi, and clearly you got access somehow. Got news from Jonas or something?'' + +``Very perceptive!'' Zacharias said, grinning happily. ``Just out here checking up on True Name to see if she has any further thoughts on our little gathering.'' + +``Checking up on someone you tried to assassinate?'' + +``Oh goodness, not me! You can place the blame for that squarely on Jonas.'' + +May laughed humorlessly. ``Right, and poor Zack just had to sit by and--'' + +The fox was up in a flash and, with a back-handed swipe, slapped the skunk across the muzzle, getting a yelp out of her and a shout out of Ioan. ``You do not have permission to use that name,'' he hissed. + +It took Ioan a few seconds to process what had just happened, but then fury welled up within em faster than any other emotion ey'd felt before. Had ey ever even felt fury before? A small part of em marveled at the unfamiliar feeling. + +The rest was already swinging. + +The blow never landed. Ioan found emself stumbling backwards several paces. Zacharias stumbled back in the opposite direction. Both of them shouted and worked to regain their footing. + +The two new instances of May that had appeared, partially overlapping with where they had once stood, winked out of existence. ``Yes, yes,'' she drawled, taking Ioan's hand in one paw to hold em back while the other rubbed at her muzzle. ``We all know you are good at what you do. Get to the point.'' + +With a huff, the fox stood up straighter, smoothing out his rumpled clothing. ``Right. True Name. Are you coming tonight? If not, when shall we expect you?'' + +The skunk shook her head, still glowering. ``I am not coming tonight, no. If I have been given the luxury of a year to meet,'' she said, tone dripping with sarcasm. ``Then we will meet when I say we meet.'' + +``If you say so.'' Zacharias was back to smirking. That hatred still bubbling within Ioan urged em to consider just how delightfully punchable that expression was. ``Well, we will look forward to it, then, I suppose! And you two will be there as well, yes?'' + +``Your piece of shit boss hired me, didn't he?'' + +``That he did, Mx. Bălan! That he did.'' He turned to May, eyebrows raised expectantly. + +``Yes, I will be there,'' she said. Her hackles were still up, free paw still bunched into a fist. + +``And End Waking? Would not want the stanza to be incomplete, would we?'' He grinned broadly to True Name, ``And no, my little stink bug, you do not count.'' + +``He has not answered yet,'' she said. She'd regained her composure, staring at Zacharias steadily. ``We will speak with him. Tell Jonas message received and leave me the fuck alone.'' + +He once more bowed with a flourish. ``I live to serve, Rintrah my dear!'' he said, sing-song. ``Any other messages for me to relay while hungry clouds swag on the deep?'' + +``Yes, tell Jonas to quit sending his most foppish lackeys,'' she shot back. + +``But my dear! I am here specifically to drive the point home! You are in so far over your head that even `little loverfox' is a part of your fate.'' He laughed gleefully. ``Oh, it sounds so evil, does it not? Cartoonishly so! There is no way that I can even begin to talk about this without sounding like a mustache-twirling villain. That I might say things like `encompass your doom' just tickles me pink. We will see you soon, yes?'' + +True Name nodded. ``Yes. Now, fuck off.'' + +``Righto!'' He turned and winked to May, adding, ``So wonderful to see you again. Cannot say I share your taste in partners, but times change, I suppose. Mx. Bălan, I look forward to speaking soon.'' + +And with that, he stepped out of the sim. + +May's shoulders slumped. She let go of eir hand, padded over to kneel beside True Name, and hugged around her shoulders. ``I am sorry, my dear.'' + +True Name did not return the gesture. No surprise, perhaps; neither she nor End Waking were all that big on touch. Instead she said, ``I apologize, you two. I do not know how they got the address to the sim.'' + +Ioan cursed. ``Guess that does mean it's compromised.'' + +She nodded. + +May leaned away from the hug, but took one of True Name's paws in her own. ``Come home,'' she said, voice and expression earnestly worried. ``Please. I know it is uncomfortable, but I do not want you out here alone.'' + +The skunk stared into the fire for almost a full minute, then looked off to the lake and nodded. ``Yes, I suppose you are right.'' She smiled faintly and added, ``I could also use a shower and a night's sleep on a real mattress. Perhaps we can discuss expanding an outdoor portion of your sim tomorrow, Ioan. I do not want to impose too much, but, well\ldots{}'' She waved her paw at where Zacharias had stood. + +``Of course,'' ey said, still doing eir best to tamp down eir anger. ``I can find something simple on the market for the time being.'' + +True Name knelt by the fire for a moment longer before dousing the flames. + +Once they made it back to the house and True Name had showered, they sat around the dining table, each with a glass of wine from a bottle ey'd received years back. When True Name suggested that a drink was in order, Ioan and May readily agreed. + +Ioan couldn't guess why the two skunks had felt it was necessary, but ey needed something to try and blunt the edges of that anger that still spun within em. Ey wasn't sure ey'd ever truly felt fury before, but it turned out that watching eir partner get struck across the face was a really, really good way to bring out the emotion. + +Ey didn't like it at all. + +Once ey'd reached the bottom of eir glass, ey sighed and said, ``Alright. What the hell was that about?'' + +``Jonas felt the need to show a bit of muscle,'' True Name said, voice flat and dull. ``He wanted to rub it in my face that he still has Zacharias in his pocket, that he knows where I am. I do not think he actually cared about asking me when we would meet, he was just making his leverage felt. I suspect he was planning on you two showing up as well, now that I think about it.'' + +``Why?'' + +``To ensure that you also saw that power. If you two are to come to the meeting—as I think you must—then he wants you both to know that he will be there with a stacked deck.'' She rubbed a paw up over her snout, adding, ``I am sorry that you had to meet him.'' + +Ioan shook eir head. ``Was he always such an asshole?'' + +After a tense pause, the skunk shook her head. ``He was not, no. Witty, smart, sharp-tongued, yes. An asshole, no.'' + +``Well, not looking forward to seeing him again, either way.'' Ey felt that anger turn within em again, felt the heat of the wine only add to it. ``I don't know who he thinks he is, coming after you like that, May.'' + +The silence that followed was even more tense than the one before, both skunks looking down at the table, both tracing the grain of the wood with a claw-tip. + +``What?'' + +May sniffled, shrugged, then smiled weakly to em. ``I am pretty sure he thinks he is me, Ioan.'' + +Ey blinked as the pieces clicked into place, then slouched back in eir seat, feeling like the breath had been knocked out of em. ``Well, huh.'' + +``You see now why I was so upset?'' + +The thoughts wouldn't quite fit together in eir mind. Two gears with no matching teeth. ``I'm sorry, I'm, uh\ldots{}'' Ey cleared eir throat, suddenly parched. ``\emph{He's} one of your old relationship forks? With True Name?'' + +She shrugged again, sniffled again, looked back down to the table. + +``It is at least partly my fault,'' True Name said quietly. ``One of the earliest individuals I pointed May Then My Name towards was, without either of us realizing, one of Jonas's instances. He looked and spoke nothing like Jonas Prime, but was starting to get loud on the feeds. May Then My Name forked into a human form that we hoped would be appealing and became quite good friends with him, but I lost track of them both for several years. He stopped posting so much on the feeds, so I had little reason to worry about him, I thought.'' + +``You must understand, I was a very different person back then,'' May mumbled. ``This was systime 7 Back before I was\ldots me.'' + +Ey frowned, but nodded for them to continue. + +``So, a few decades later,'' True Name said. ``Secession is in the past, the council is heading towards dissolution, and I am starting to relax. More friends from phys-side uploaded, more furries figured out how to exist within the System as they would like, and I started to meet more people outside work. One of them just happened to be this fantastically well-dressed fox who was just as witty as I felt. We became friends, then we became a bit more.'' She shrugged. ``That instance of Jonas had\ldots well\ldots{}'' + +``Twisted. He twisted my fork into something that neither the me of today nor the me back then would have agreed to,'' May said bitterly and wiped at her face. ``He turned that version of me into a way of influencing True Name.'' + +``Yes. It was a long game. He drifted in and out of my life, over the centuries, and then, shortly before Launch, he showed up again and we began to get close. A few years after Launch, they took me out to dinner and dropped the whole thing on me all at once. I am told they did the same on each of the LVs as well, just with different framing.'' + +Eir head was swimming at the flood of information, and when rubbing eir face didn't work to clear it, ey willed the drunkenness away and waved a glass of ice water into being. ``Which I don't get. Why are you so overwhelmed here and not on the LVs?'' + +The skunk twisted her wine glass between her fingers for a few quiet moments. ``I have always been focused on continuity and stability. I think that Jonas was as well, enough to go along with the launch project, but once it was done and that continuity was assured, we here on Lagrange let them go their own ways—the Guiding Council on Pollux and the previous status quo on Castor—while he focused on cementing his power. They were safely away with minimal influence here.'' + +``Is that what this is all about?'' + +She nodded. ``We were in a steady state for many years after they explained everything. I was not happy, but I still liked the work that I had chosen and I did not know how to do anything else. It was the new tech from the Artemisians that pushed things over the edge. AVEC—Audio/Visual Extrasystem Communication—rather changes things and even though we agreed on what was to be done about it in a general sense, I think he does not want to risk his own specific vision not coming to fruition. He wants greater divergence, while I am more conservative.'' + +They sat in silence, then, while Ioan tried to digest this. Ey was still furious at Zacharias, but now that fury had gained a layer of what almost felt like despair that someone such as him might have their roots in eir May. + +At least it had all gone a long way towards explaining the dynamic on the three Systems. Who knew why the other True Names had decided to treat this one like they had, withholding valuable information, all but cutting her out of their plans. Clearly those few years between launch and Jonas and Zacharias's announcement had included additional shaping, both of her as well as the Systems. + +``Fuck.'' + +May kicked eir shin lightly beneath the table. ``Language, Mx. Bălan.'' + +True Name looked between them, then grinned. ``No, May Then My Name, Ioan is correct. Fuck.'' + +``The Only Time I Know My True Name Is When I Dream of the Ode clade, you watch your mouth,'' May growled. + +They all laughed. Ey couldn't help but. It was all too much, and the humor so perfectly timed to defuse eir anger that it had to be intentional. Some of that anger must have showed on eir face. + +\emph{Ah well, trust an Odist,} ey mused to emself. + +Aloud, ey said, ``You guys continue to be completely nuts. Thanks for explaining, though. I'm not going to figure it out tonight, so I'm going to have another glass of wine and space out on the couch.'' + +``Fantastic idea, my dear,'' May said. ``If I have to think about it anymore, I am going to start shedding and not stop until I am bald.'' + +Still grinning, True Name nodded. ``That is quite enough of the topic, yes. I am going to go outside for a bit and then I am going to go to bed.'' diff --git a/mitzvot/content/old/027.tex b/mitzvot/content/old/027.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..7c0e3b3 --- /dev/null +++ b/mitzvot/content/old/027.tex @@ -0,0 +1,201 @@ +\begin{center}\rule{0.5\linewidth}{0.5pt}\end{center} + +Ioan could have sworn that ey and May had gotten enough sleep the night before. Even with her waking em up before dawn, they'd then gone on to sleep until nearly nine. Rather late for them. + +Still, that night, they slept for more than ten hours. It had taken May a while to calm down by the time they did make it into bed, the skunk tossing and turning, first leaning in against em, then shifting away, as though the last bits of her overflowing spell kept her oscillating between wanting to be touched and not. Ey stayed quiet and still throughout, letting her decide what it was that she needed; ey was just happy to be back home. + +Eventually, though, they settled down into their usual spots and made it to sleep. + +It was almost certainly the stress from the day before, ey reasoned. So much had happened in so short a time. Even the time spent relaxing on the beanbag with May felt at least productive, even if it was just resting. So much had been packed into those last few hours, though, and so much emotion overall through the day, that sleep became an imperative. + +True Name had spent most of the rest of the evening outside, dragging one of eir chairs from beneath the balcony to park herself in the yard. Despite the lingering vestiges of snow and the chill of the evening, she spent hours out there, either staring up into the sky or grooming bits of forest litter out of her fur. + +Ey imagined that she must have made it into bed at some point, though she still woke well before them, as when they finally managed to pry themselves out of bed, there were two steaming coffee mugs sitting on the edge of the kitchen counter, one black and one sweet and creamy, and the skunk was once more sitting outside on the chair, tail wrapped around her feet and coffee held against her chest. + +Ioan sent her a gentle sensorium ping, just to let her know that they were awake, then sat at eir desk. Ey had no clue where to even begin, but if nothing else, ey had to have something comforting in front of em, something known. + +``Well, nothing for it,'' ey mumbled, swiped a new notebook into being, and began to compile notes from the last few weeks. The work ey'd already done on the topic was useful enough, but it was starting to feel like it was not directed enough in the face of all that had happened. + +Ey began with a timeline, starting all the way back at the arrival of the Artemisians and that first meeting with True Name, then followed with a list of the times they'd met for coffee through the years. Ey dug through eir memories for any that stood out as particularly interesting. These were primarily early on, ey found, when they were still feeling out each others' boundaries, though the last few before the assassination attempt held some fascinating insights in the context of all that had happened since, as well. + +There was also information to fill in on the master timeline for the \emph{History}, as well. Information about Zacharias, about Jonas, about End Waking's divergence from True Name. + +Finally, the last almost three weeks were laid out in much finer detail. The assassination attempt, the clearing of the house, the meeting with End Waking, all the way up through the meeting with Zacharias the night before. + +``Ioaaan,'' May whined, pawing feebly at eir arm. ``Hungryyy.'' + +``Hmm? You're a big skunk, you can make breakfast.'' + +She stood up from where she'd been crouched beside em, laughing. ``It is well on lunchtime, my dear. Come up for air.'' + +``Wait, really?'' Ey frowned when ey checked the time. ``Great. Sorry about that, May.'' + +They pulled together the remaining few dishes of comfort food and called out to True Name to invite her in for a meal. Ey chose the last of the poor skunk's risotto, added a healthy dusting of pepper, and got another cup of coffee to go with it. + +``Thank you for lunch,'' True Name said, once she'd eaten most of her pasta. ``When you have a moment, Ioan, I would like to see about expanding the sim as we discussed.'' + +``Right, yeah. Sorry I got so distracted this morning.'' Ey browsed the markets for appropriate wide-open spaces ey could tack onto one of the borders of eir sim. Perhaps right beneath the skunk's window would be best. Ey could even extend the balcony and provide her with a set of stairs down into the space. ``Alright. What sort of environment? There's some pretty good plains and parks, an okay forest, hmm\ldots this mountain one isn't bad, but the trees are kind of planted in a grid.'' + +She grinned. ``That sounds cheesy. However, let us go with a plain of some sort. I do not want to go back to a forest unless it is the one I remember, and a park would be too sterile. Is there nothing like Arrowhead Lake? Something with water?'' + +Ey dug a little further, an act more akin to remembering than any actual physical browsing. It let em finish eir lunch, at least. + +``Alright, here's one that's a plain with a river and an oxbow lake. The landscape is just mirrored at the boundaries though, so it looks a little funny beyond the edges.'' + +The skunk had perked up at the mention of the river and was already nodding. ``That will do quite nicely, my dear. Are you able to scale it so that it will be a good size, at least?'' + +``Sure. Do you want to set it up now?'' + +She shrugged. ``If you are willing, yes.'' + +``Can I modify your room to give you an entryway to the area?'' + +``Please,'' she said gratefully. + +The three of them stood and walked into her room. Ey was somewhat crestfallen to see that ey really had just mirrored the view out of her window, as there was the chair she had been sitting in before lunch. That would mean ey'd have to place the new plot of land first, then modify the house again. + +Ah well, easy enough. + +Ey dumped a chunk of reputation into the purchase of the environment. Ey had plenty to spend and it wasn't very pricey, but it was still a noticeable ding, and ey was sure that Jonas would be keeping tabs on eir acquisitions. There was nothing to be done about it, though. + +The environment landed on eir mind much as a pending merge might, demanding to be placed somewhere. Ey instructed the sim to put it in the corner formed by the fence of their yard and True Name's bedroom, expanded to be a mile on a side. + +Once the pressure of the environment left eir mind, ey was free to instruct the sim to let the window view the new land, and from there to add an extension of the balcony, a second stairway down, and a door leading out from her room to the balcony. + +Ey slid the door open, beckoning to the two skunks. ``Alright, let's head out and check on it.'' + +As promised, they were greeted with what looked to be an endless series of perfectly parallel rivers fading into the distance with the way the boundaries simply mirrored the empty plain on the sides. The fact that the oxbow lakes were also repeated set up a grid effect that was slightly unnerving. Thankfully, the effect disappeared when they went down the steps and into the grass itself. They found the grass to be fairly well made and the ground to be delightfully uneven; no small feat when it was so easy to make a perfectly flat plane. + +``I can maybe have the boundaries look like fog, if that helps. You'll have fog all the way around you, but at least no repeating rivers.'' + +Both skunks straightened up, alarmed, then shook their heads as one. + +``Please do not, Mx. Bălan. This will be fine as is.'' + +The formality in her voice and the stiffness of her tone did not invite em to continue the topic, so ey did eir best to drop it. ``Alright. Well, I guess we can give this a go for a bit and make changes if we need. The weather and sun are synced across the whole sim, so if you need it warmer or drier, just let me know.'' + +True Name bowed. ``Thank you, Ioan. This will suit me quite well. It is a bit strange seeing a fence and part of a house, but at least that means I will be able to find my way back. May I have ACLs here?'' + +Ey nodded and made the grant. + +``Thank you once more.'' She smiled faintly and gave a hint of another bow. ``If you will excuse me, I would like to explore on my own. Perhaps we can catch up over dinner.'' + +``Sure thing.'' + +May, who had been quiet up until then, said, ``Thank you for coming back.'' + +True Name tilted her head. ``It was not safe there, May Then My Name. This will be better.'' + +``Yes, but thank you all the same.'' She laughed and waved a paw. ``I am sorry, disregard me. I am still not yet at baseline and it has me feeling emotional.'' + +The other skunk's expression softened and she leaned forward to give one of her paws a squeeze. It looked stiff and forced, but it was at least an attempt at a gesture that was more in line with May's mode of interacting. + +``I understand. I do not think I am there, yet, myself. I will see you at dinner, yes?'' + +Ioan and May both nodded and made their goodbyes. As a last concession to giving the skunk privacy, ey made a small gate in the fence leading into their yard so that they wouldn't have to go through her room if they needed to go out into her plain for any reason. It meant pushing through lilac bushes, but ey figured it'd be rarely used. + +``Can you work on the beanbag, Ioan?'' May asked once they were back inside. + +``Sure. Need some pets?'' + +She nodded. + +Asking how she was feeling felt counter to simply providing what she'd requested—something ey enjoyed plenty, as well—so they made themselves comfortable on the amorphous cushion. It didn't seem to be time for talking at all, so they settled on soft music instead. + +Ey wasn't sure what May was doing, whether it was simply soaking up the affection and close proximity or some more thoughtful task. For eir part, though, ey went back to work on organizing events as they'd happened. Who knew what would come next. + +\begin{center}\rule{0.5\linewidth}{0.5pt}\end{center} + +The next few days passed in relative peace, with both Odists slowly leveling back out to their baseline moods. + +Or, at least, May leveled out to her baseline mood. There still seemed to be some internal struggle within True Name. It wasn't that she was having to step away to sulk or getting caught in anger as she had been when she had begun to overflow, but that the conflicts were still showing in long silences that would sometimes take her in the middle of conversations, especially when the topic of meeting with Jonas came up. + +``I am not even sure if it is conflicts at this point,'' she admitted when ey brought it up. ``Or, well, I do not think it is conflicting memories any longer. Those have been integrated, by this point. I am experiencing conflicts in expectations. I feel doubled, as though there are two of me watching the same conversation and each would like to act in a different way.'' + +``Are they not working together?'' May asked. + +True Name leaned back against the couch and stared out the picture windows into the yard for a few minutes as she thought. ``Perhaps not, no,'' she said at last. ``It is difficult to reconcile those two parts of me. They are arguing, in a way. Each is strident in their belief, and some higher part of me will occasionally get stuck trying to get them to just settle down and fucking agree on a course of action or the next sentence or whatever it may be.'' + +Ioan nodded, saying, ``Sort of like Michelle and Sasha?'' + +She shook her head. ``No, not quite like that, thankfully. There are some similarities—the sense of there being two parts of me, the internal split—but it is lacking the dire nature, whatever it was that made her completely helpless before the duality of her self. It is still something that I have some visibility into. I can respond as True Name would or as End Waking would, but I am still just me, and I am learning to unify those natures. I will perhaps never be singular, but I will doubtless unify into a synthesis before long. Just not yet.'' + +May fiddled with eir sweater vest from where she lay against em. ``I will admit that, for a while there, I was considering merging down with you before I saw how poorly End Waking's merge went.'' After the silence stretched out, she laughed nervously, adding, ``Sorry, I suppose that is a pretty awkward thing to say.'' + +``It is okay, May Then My Name,'' True Name said, smiling reassuringly. ``A large part of me wishes that you had rather than End Waking, if I am honest. I understand why you did what you did, and I think on an intellectual level I agree with it, but on a personal level, I would much rather be integrating your memories than his.'' + +She winced. ``That bad?'' + +``Uncomfortable,'' the other skunk corrected. ``I do wish perhaps that I had been able to fork or that I had been more cautious with the merge, but if I wanted to remain comfortable, I would have pushed back when you urged me to accept.'' + +``What about May's merge would've been easier?'' Ioan asked. + +``Again, easier does not feel like the correct word. It would have been more comfortable. I would have understood the resentment that others feel for me, if that was indeed a goal, but it would not be the defining factor of the merge.'' + +``End Waking has mentioned that he defined himself by not being you, yeah.'' + +She nodded. ``So I have learned. The self-loathing that falls out of that rests just this side of overwhelming at times. Perhaps that is why it is proving to be such a project to settle into something resembling a singular nature again. I imagine, given that May Then My Name has defined herself through something unique to her rather than some aspect of her relation to me, it would feel strange, but not so uncomfortable. Do correct me if I am wrong, though, my dear.'' + +May shook her head. + +``Well, besides,'' Ioan added. ``She's certainly merged down way more recently than End Waking did.'' + +True Name tilted her head. + +``Ioan,'' May said quietly. ``Do you remember when you were working on the \emph{History} and I said that I was worried that you would be upset with me?'' + +Ey frowned, nodded. + +``And do you remember how Dear told Codrin that the temptation to lie would be great?'' + +``What did you say to em, May Then My Name?'' + +May sighed and brushed her paws up over her head. ``I said that I was working as launch coordinator to remain more in line with your expectations so that I could merge back down after the project was over, that we tried to do so every few decades.'' + +A silence stretched out once more. + +Eventually, Ioan reached up to tug at one of her ears gently. ``Skunks are so complicated.'' + +She let out a pent up breath as a laugh. ``I know. I am sorry. I am sorry to both of you. I believed it to be a small untruth. I wanted my relationship with True Name to seem simpler than it was to keep you feeling comfortable. I hoped that that would keep you from digging into my past. Fat load of good that did.'' + +``When was the last time you merged down, then?'' + +``2155,'' True Name said. ``Longer ago than the last time End Waking merged down. It was not acrimonious, she simply declined my next request for a merger and the conversation never came up again.'' + +Ey laughed. ``Really, \emph{really} complicated.'' + +``I am glad you are not angry, my dear,'' May said, leaning up to dot her nose against eir cheek. + +``It seems more silly than anything, but I can see your reasons for doing so, in retrospect. Certainly silly in comparison to the last few weeks.'' + +``Very.'' May turned her gaze back to True Name and said, ``I have my apprehensions about merging, though. \emph{We} have our apprehensions, I mean. After watching what happened with End Waking's merge, it all felt so much more complicated.'' + +``I do not know,'' she said, voice distant. ``I said that I understand your reasons for what you did. You wanted me to change, you said, to be other than I am. You want me to be able to approach Jonas in some new way that will hopefully allow me to come out the other side with fewer assassins on my tail, yes?'' + +May nodded. + +``And I also think I understand your reasons for wanting to merge down. It would make me understand your relationship to me in a very real way, and would make me all the more complete a person in your eyes, yes?'' + +Another nod. + +``I am amenable to both of those, though perhaps my reasons differ. But, May Then My Name, coming at this with both full knowledge and as an open conversation has me feeling more positive than perhaps you do,'' she said, voice having lost its thoughtful edge. ``You are a fundamentally good person and that is not something that I take lightly. You work on such a small scale and I have spoken against that in the past, but\ldots well, a threat on one's life is a pretty good way to make one realize that the small scale is still important.'' + +``But Ioan and I--'' + +``I would have full knowledge of your apprehensions as well, would I not?'' She held up her paws, smiling. ``I am not trying to talk you into it, my dear, and I would still like to hear those apprehensions regardless, I am simply explaining that, given this shitty fucking month, you merging down does not at all sound bad. I am already not what I was. There is no going and there is no back.'' + +Ioan realized ey'd settled back into observing mode, simply watching silently. Not what ey was supposed to be working on. Ey shook emself back to the present and said, ``My apprehensions mostly boil down to the fact that the merge would include May and I's entire relationship. The memories are one thing, and there are some that are pretty intensely personal, but I worry you'd also risk winding up with the feelings that resulted from the formation of those memories.'' + +True Name nodded. + +Ey took a deep breath, trying to bolster eir courage with it. ``This last month has made me realize how much I care about you and your well-being. I like you, True Name, but I'm really hesitant about you having memories of loving me, if that makes sense.'' + +``And you, May Then My Name? We do not need to go too far into them, but if it is to be a discussion, I would like to at least have these thoughts laid out for perusal.'' + +She was a long time in responding. ``I am with Ioan on this, in that I am protective of my devotion to em. It\ldots is difficult to say this so openly, but I am also coming to terms with just how complex my feelings about you are after the events of the last month, and the root of resentment that led to me urging End Waking's merge on you is no longer there, or at least no longer quite so simple. It is no longer aimless hatred, however justified it may have felt. I will ever be myself, so I am uncomfortable pushing yet more resentment and difficulties on you. I do not want to hurt you.'' + +The longer May spoke, the more thoughtful True Name's expression became. She slouched down on the couch, until her head was resting against the back cushions. ``I am not sure what to say to this just yet.'' + +``We've been thinking about it for days. You've had, what, twenty minutes?'' + +She laughed and nodded to em. ``Yes, of course. There is much to think about.'' diff --git a/mitzvot/content/old/028.tex b/mitzvot/content/old/028.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..a78032c --- /dev/null +++ b/mitzvot/content/old/028.tex @@ -0,0 +1,195 @@ +After True Name returned to her room—or, more likely, out to her field to set up camp—May said, ``If I may say, that was really fucking weird, and I do not want to talk about it at all.'' + +Ey laughed. ``You certainly may. Weird as hell and I need a break.'' + +That last part wasn't strictly true. Ey knew ey'd be ruminating over it until they went to sleep, and likely well into tomorrow. Still, ey agreed that it wasn't a topic for talking about at the moment. The chances they'd just wind up talking in circles, rehashing the same topics over and over, getting nowhere but frustrated, was too high, and ey could do that mentally just as well. + +So, instead, they relaxed together on the couch, May with her head in eir lap while ey read and she worked on this or that, or whatever it was that she did when her eyes lost focus and she hummed quietly to herself. She'd once called it `going into screen-saver mode', which didn't sound totally accurate to what ey knew of her when ey'd looked up the reference, but ey still teased her about it every now and then. + +Quiet nights were good, though, and ey was pleased to just spend the rest of this one in comfort. + +Sleep, however, brought restless dreams. Not nightmares, certainly; they weren't even bad dreams in any common sense of the term. They were, to the last, plagued with a sense of waiting and unease. Ey dreamt of waiting for unspecified news, sitting on uncomfortable benches in weirdly crowded lobbies. Ey dreamt of May being out of the house on some errand longer than she had said she would be. Ey dreamt of not having enough information. + +All the same, ey woke well rested and made it to the coffee pot before either of the skunks, so ey was able to claim ten minutes of solitude standing before the picture windows, looking out into the slowly lightening yard and the field beside it. Ey could see True Name poke her snout out from her tent, disappear, and then, a few minutes later, start trudging her way back toward the house. + +``Good morning, Ioan. Oh good, thank you,'' she mumbled, making a bee-line for one of the mugs of coffee that sat, steaming, on the counter. + +``Morning. Sleep well?'' + +She shrugged noncommittally. ``I slept, I am well-rested enough.'' + +They watched the morning head toward full brightness in silence after that, em still standing before the windows and her sitting on the couch, more focused on her coffee than anything. + +``You have once again failed to bring me my coffee,'' May grumbled from the bedroom door. ``I am going to file a petition to have you censured with the leadership of the System.'' + +``Ey did not bring me my coffee, either, my dear,'' True Name said mildly. ``And until recently, I was in such a position.'' + +May stopped mid-shuffle, snorted, then mumbled an apology and padded to the kitchen to grab her own mug before taking Ioan by the hand and dragging em over to the beanbag so that she could lay down with em. + +``Are you two up to talking about meeting with Jonas?'' True Name asked. ``I will pay in another pot of coffee and breakfast.'' + +Ioan shrugged. ``Sure.'' + +``After that second coffee, yes,'' May said. + +Breakfast, it turned out, was a Scandinavian affair, or so ey imagined. Dense, dark bread, a tray of cheeses and meats, and a separate tray of vegetables both pickled and fresh. It was strange to call a meal such as breakfast `refreshing', but the word fit quite well. Quite good, and both of the skunks certainly seemed to appreciate it, eating the lion's share of the food, though May also swiped up a side plate of eggs to go with it. + +May nodded towards True Name, grinning. ``Alright. Payment accepted. You may begin.'' + +True Name nodded. ``I had an idea as I was walking last night. Or perhaps it is only a sliver of an idea. I suspect that it will not even get me out of whatever it is that he has planned, but it might soften the blow.'' + +They both nodded. + +``My guess is that, if he wants me to `step aside', as Zacharias said, then he would like me to truly disappear. He would like me to essentially never be seen again.'' + +``Thus the assassination attempt,'' Ioan said. + +``Yes. He wanted me to disappear and build up a little bit of mystery because then he would be able to be publicly seen mourning, \emph{et cetera, et cetera, ad nauseam},'' she continued, rolling her eyes. ``The usual nonsense, I mean. I do not think his plans B through M will be any different. They will all involve me no longer being a part of this and in such a way as to make him come out feeling the victor.'' + +``And I'm assuming you'd like to avoid that if possible.'' + +``Him feeling like the victor? Yes. I really do mean that I would need to disappear in his definition of victory. I would be effectively dead, if not actually. I would be restricted in who I would be able to speak to, I would have to remain out of public sims, and so on. He would not ask me to retire. Disappear.'' She hesitated, swirled the last of her coffee in the bottom of her mug, and added, ``At least, that is what I would do. It would mean less attack surface for the reactive elements we have been tracking.'' + +``And your plan would, what, subvert that?'' May asked. ``I have a suspicion I know what it is, but I would like to be sure.'' + +``I suspect you do, yes. I will offer him the option of me changing from what I was to such an extent that I will no longer be the True Name that either he or the System expects.'' + +``Is this about me merging down, then?'' + +She shrugged. ``I do not think that that is a requirement here, though that question was on my docket for the day. I suspect that I have already changed enough with End Waking's merger. I would just need to prove it to him somehow. That is where my plan ends, however.'' + +Ioan sat back in eir chair, arms crossed as ey mulled it over. If she was right—and ey suspected that she was—then there would likely need to be a change in form and a change in name to go along with the change in attitude. After all, that's how Zacharias had gotten as far as he had, right? + +Ey couldn't picture her as anything other than a skunk or perhaps whatever version of Michelle she remembered, though, and certainly couldn't picture her named anything other than True Name. Would she also have to change her speech patterns? They weren't totally identifiable, but now that ey thought about it, even Zacharias had shared many of them. She was an Odist through and through—more so than any other ey'd met—and all of the forking and reinforcing that May had done to cement behavior and thought patterns didn't seem like something that she'd willingly undergo, either. + +But perhaps that's what she'd meant by a sliver of a plan. They still had plenty of time to sort that out, at least, and perhaps she'd come up with a way that would actually work without changing herself so much that she'd cease being who she was. + +All the same, ey wasn't sure that her simply incorporating End Waking was quite the type of change that Jonas would appreciate. She acted different, spoke different, and ey was sure she felt different about her work than she had, but eir suspicion was that Jonas didn't want anything left of her that could possibly be of any threat to his power. Her incorporating End Waking's extreme distaste for the politics of the System might be enough, it might not be, but that was a big risk to take. + +Ey'd apparently been silent long enough that the two skunks had drifted off into their own conversation. At least ey hadn't been mumbling. + +``Welcome back, my dear,'' May said when ey leaned forward again to grab eir coffee. + +Ey grinned. ``Thanks. Was a nice trip. Don't mean to interrupt or anything, though.'' + +She shook her head. ``We were talking of changes.'' + +``Any conclusions?'' + +``Not particularly, no,'' True Name said. ``There are certain levels of change that I find unacceptable, is all.'' + +``Right. I was thinking similar. It needs some work, but I can at least see where you're coming from with it.'' + +She nodded. ``I will continue to explore. When the time comes, I may ask for your help workshopping some ideas.'' + +The conversation wound down from there, with True Name heading out to walk her prairie or poke around in the water or whatever it was that she was doing. + +As though inspired, May and Ioan both moved outside as well, claiming the bench swing on the balcony, sitting on it sideways and facing each other, legs all tangled up. The warmer spring weather ey'd brought about for May while she was overflowing had seemed appropriate once they'd returned, so ey'd left it for the time being. Perhaps ey'd get one more big snow in before letting spring proper settle in. + +``What were things like back in 2155?'' ey asked. + +May tilted her head, blinking a cone of silence into place. ``When I merged last?'' + +Ey nodded. + +``I had just forked the third time. There had been more relationships, of course, ones that ended before I had the chance or need, but this was the third time that I had settled into something comfortable enough to let it last. I was crushed and not particularly excited about merging down, but I had not diverged quite as much by then.'' + +``Not as much empathy?'' + +She laughed. ``Too much, perhaps. It took a while for me to settle on a comfortable amount.'' + +``Too \emph{much?} How on Earth did that work?'' + +``I was a fucking mess at all times. I cried at the drop of a hat.'' + +``You still cry a lot,'' ey observed, then laughed when she poked at eir knee. + +``Yes, well. I had attributed it at the time to simply being torn up over no longer being in a relationship. My fork was happy, I was heartbroken. In the end, though, I think that my goals were starting to drift from True Name's. I was diverging in more fundamental ways than either of us had expected.'' + +``And the next time she asked, you just said `no'?'' + +She nodded. ``She asked me to consider it, and then the topic simply never came up again. I think that she was already expecting to write me off after the merge in systime 31.'' + +``Did she wind up expressing her own emotions differently from that merge?'' + +She opened her mouth as if to reply, then closed it again, frowning. ``I was going to snap at you,'' she admitted. ``But you bring up a good point. She did, to some extent. What emotions she expressed, real or not, came more earnestly to her. She was more able to express empathy, even if it was still in a very True Name fashion. She did not accept my merges—or any of those from others in her stanza—as blithely as she did End Waking's.'' + +``I imagine the circumstances were a bit different,'' ey said. ``Why were you going to snap at me?'' + +``I thought you were going to ask me to merge down.'' + +Ey shrugged. ``I hadn't gotten that far in the thought process. Is it something you're still uncomfortable with?'' + +``I do not know, my dear. If you had asked me just then, I would have said no. If you had asked me five minutes before then, I would have said yes.'' She patted eir knee, smiling. ``But I will endeavor not to snap at you either way. How about you, though?'' + +``Much the same, I think. Your answer has me wondering, though, if she was more intentional about a merge like that, it could work. She could have some of your memories of emotions that she thinks might help while still respecting your privacy.'' + +``And that is why I did not snap at you. It is a good point, my dear. There is no need for her to have all of my memories wholesale, and with what memories and personality traits and whatever else goes along with a merge, she would hopefully wind up with a synthesis, as she says, rather than a replacement. She would still have all 226 years of being True Name, and all those years of being End Waking, just that she would also have some of me in there.'' + +``Is that something you could talk her through?'' + +She looked thoughtfully out into the yard, at the faint greening of the lilac branches. ``Perhaps, yes. We would have to be very deliberate about it, but it should be possible.'' + +Ey nodded, watching the skunk's gaze drift in and out of focus, the way she would occasionally chew on her lip when thinking. Watched, and thought about what such a synthesis would look like. There wouldn't be any concrete changes in eir partner, but what would this new restless, unsettled True Name look like with yet more memory heaped onto her? Ey knew ey could never know the whole of May and that ey was biased besides, but she seemed so much happier and more comfortable than her down-tree instance, even before End Waking's merger. More comfortable, feeling less of a need to dump all of her energy into forward motion. What would that look like with True Name? + +Ey watched her think. Watched her and thought about how much ey loved her, watched and wondered if such a True Name would also sit and think and chew on her lip. + +``Do you want to?'' + +May started from her own reverie. ``Hmm?'' + +``Regardless of the mechanics or how comfortable you are with it, is this something you'd even want to do?'' + +She nodded readily. ``Yes. That is the source of all this stress for me over the last few days. I want to, it is just the reality that is working against me.'' + +``Why?'' + +``Why do I want to?'' She laughed. ``Because I like who I am and I do not like who she is, but that does not mean I do not like what she can become. I want her to be happy and to feel love and to slow the fuck down for five minutes. I do not know for sure, and I acknowledge that there is a value judgment here, but I strongly suspect that these will only ever be good for her.'' + +Ey leaned forward enough to snag one of her paws and give it a squeeze. ``Guess we're of one mind on that, then. Or at least mostly so; you have a better sense as to what goes into the emotional side.'' + +She smiled gratefully and gave eir hand a squeeze. ``Well, when she returns, we can expand on our thoughts.'' + +They didn't have to wait long. + +Shortly after they went back inside to pull together a snacky sort of lunch, True Name returned from her trip out in the prairie and bowed to them, saying, ``I have had some thoughts that I would like to run past you.'' + +``As have we,'' Ioan said, gesturing her to a chair. ``Good timing. What were you thinking?'' + +``It is perhaps more for May Then My Name to answer, though I will appreciate both of your input.'' + +The skunk nodded for her to continue. + +``You have mentioned in the past that you forked to cement emotional patterns that led to your divergence. I think that I have wound up doing that to some extent, but only ever subconsciously. With how much specificity were you able to pick what it was that you were modifying?'' + +May glanced to Ioan, then shrugged. ``I worked in very small steps. I forked dozens of times to change very small things. Being deliberate about it made it essentially as fine-grained as I needed.'' + +``Alright. That helps quite a lot, actually. I was considering how much I might be able to change without losing who and what I am. If I can change some of my own habits, maybe the end result will still be something that I am happy with, but with enough difference to get Jonas off my back. I am not yet sure what those habits might be, but it is an option, at least. I have been trying to catalogue what it is about myself that can go, as it were.'' She smiled wryly, ``But yes, doing so deliberately is probably for the best.'' + +``That's actually what we had been talking about,'' Ioan said, looking to May for confirmation that it was alright to continue. + +``A deliberate merge,'' she said, picking up from where ey'd left off. ``One that will keep us comfortable in our privacy while also giving you the opportunity to build upon what you are.'' + +``Really? That is not what I was expecting to hear.'' + +They both nodded. + +There was a long silence, then. Both May and Ioan watched True Name as she stared up at the ceiling, unseeing. + +``And you are okay with that, Ioan?'' + +Ey nodded. ``I think so. I don't wholly understand the mechanics of it, but you're the dispersionistas. I trust you two to have that covered.'' + +She nodded and looked to May. + +``If you are alright working with me through the process, then I am okay with it.'' + +``Are you?'' Ioan asked. + +True Name smiled lopsidedly. ``So long as I can fork beforehand just in case, why the hell not? I am already not what I was. There is already no going back.'' + +May scoffed and shook her head. ``\,`So long as you can fork'? Jesus, True Name. Of course you can fucking fork. 108 instances with daily reconciliation, and she asks if she can fork.'' + +They laughed. + +``Well,'' True Name said, shrugging. ``Fuck it.'' diff --git a/mitzvot/content/029-illust.tex b/mitzvot/content/old/029-illust.tex similarity index 100% rename from mitzvot/content/029-illust.tex rename to mitzvot/content/old/029-illust.tex diff --git a/mitzvot/content/old/029.tex b/mitzvot/content/old/029.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..2d42d0b --- /dev/null +++ b/mitzvot/content/old/029.tex @@ -0,0 +1,193 @@ +\hypertarget{ioan-bux103lan-2350}{% +\chapter{Ioan Bălan—2350}\label{ioan-bux103lan-2350}} +\markboth{Ioan Bălan—2350}{} + +Of all that had happened over the past several weeks, Ioan was surprised to find that it had taken until now for literally anything to feel like it had been planned. Clearly none of them had planned on Jonas coming after True Name, but all of the decisions that had followed had been made on the spot. Snap decisions that had led to True Name moving into their house, to End Waking merging down, to the three of them all overflowing at once. + +All of those had been made under what felt like intolerable pressure, and it was only now that they had time enough to relax. There was an uneasy (and certainly temporary) truce between Jonas and True Name that had finally given them enough time to properly consider a decision instead of feeling compelled to make it right away. + +Ey'd harbored a concern, one borne out of stress, that May might just merge down without talking further, but ey kept that to emself, doing eir level best to reason emself out of it. The last thing they needed at the moment was eir mind playing tricks on em. + +And she certainly didn't. In fact, she drew the negotiations that followed that first discussion out by nearly a week, putting lie to that concern. Much of these discussions took place between the two skunks as they walked out on True Name's prairie. + +At first, ey'd felt left out. After all, didn't ey also have boundaries to negotiate and concerns that needed addressing? + +After bringing this up with May, however, she had laughed and poked em in the belly, explaining, ``I do not mean to leave you out of anything, my dear. We are discussing elements of the past that kept me from merging down, and elements of the future of the relationship between me and her. You are not missing anything so important, but if you would like, I am happy to keep you apprised of the general content.'' + +``Given how anxious I've been, I'd appreciate that,'' ey had said. ``But no need to share anything private.'' + +And so now ey got updates on the conversations with sensitive or personal information held back. + +They spent much of their time discussing various parts of May's life and how comfortable she'd feel sharing those through a merge, and if not, why not. Surprisingly, they also talked with End Waking several times, the third skunk of the stanza coming out to visit her prairie so that they could discuss the ramifications of their merge and how to be more thoughtful with May's. + +That first meeting had been more silence than not, more walking and thinking and not looking at each other than anything. They paced back and forth along the bank of the river, then stared into the oxbow pond, each occasionally failing to start a conversation. They had greater success with subsequent meetings, but they were never comfortable. + +This wasn't to say that ey didn't have a chance to sit with them at times and discuss eir thoughts on the matter, of course. + +``Feelings are complex, Ioan,'' True Name explained as they sat around a low fire before her tent. ``If they are created by memories, then there is little that I can do to completely control how I might feel about something beyond picking and choosing the memories carefully. However, one can never be sure which memories may lead to which feelings. If they come from something more intrinsic to one's personality and thought patterns, then it is even more difficult to attempt to control them.'' + +Ey nodded. ``That much I can certainly understand. I trust that you'll be built up from your various histories rather than simply May's feelings tacked onto you.'' + +``Yes. I cannot predict how I will feel about anything after this, much less you. Your relationship and existing boundaries will take precedence over whatever happens, though. I will respect that.'' + +Ioan bowed eir thanks. + +``I have been wondering how your feelings toward Debarre have shifted,'' End Waking said. + +``It is complex, not least of which because I accepted the whole of your merge so blithely. I will not be doing the same with May Then My Name's.'' + +He frowned. + +``I am sorry,'' True Name said, shrugging helplessly. ``There is little that I could have done in the moment to avoid it, and there is certainly nothing that I can do now to fix it.'' + +May dipped her muzzle and apologized as well, saying, ``I do feel bad about how that worked out, no matter how much you tell me it is okay.'' + +``It is not okay,'' End Waking said, then hastened to add when his cocladist flinched away, ``It is what we have to work with, and it is perhaps what the moment called for.'' + +May nodded, still cowed. + +``I am of two minds,'' True Name said. ``I remember having loved Debarre. I remember still loving him, and perhaps even I, even True Name, still love him in some roundabout way. However, I am what I am, and that is a being of two minds. That of me which is you, End Waking, loves him, and that of me which is True Name, respects him from a distance, respects his distaste for me, that feeling I engendered to minimize his impact within the council by making it purely emotional, as uncomfortable as it was to do so.'' + +``The same as you did with me and Codrin?'' Ioan asked. ``With the History, I mean.'' + +She nodded. ``It was-- it felt like a necessity at the time. I am not some cold, unfeeling bitch, it is just that my drive and my abilities, such as they are, outweigh—or at least outweighed—those feelings. I worked to distance myself from them.'' + +``I remember so little of that,'' May said. + +True Name shrugged. ``As you intentionally moved towards feeling, I worked to contain and compartmentalize it within myself after you came into being. I became a being of negative commandments. I lived the 'shalt not's while you performed your \emph{mitzvot} of loving and caring.'' + +May sighed. + +``I will not say that I am proud of it, my dear, but neither will I say that I regret it. It is what it is specifically because I was what I was.'' + +``Perhaps you will learn from your merge,'' End Waking said. + +``Perhaps. Perhaps it will become a part of me, perhaps it will live within me alongside that of you and that of True Name.'' + +``Still feeling fractured?'' Ioan asked. + +``I am of two minds, Ioan. I do not know if I will feel\ldots I do not know. I am not comfortable speaking further on this just yet.'' + +They spent the rest of the night in quiet, May leaning against eir side while True Name and End Waking spoke quietly about the plain and the forest. + +Finally, though, a week to the day after the decision had been made, Ioan awoke to find May and True Name already sitting at the table, speaking earnestly in a cone of silence. Once they noticed em, True Name waved it away and May grinned, saying, ``Sorry, my dear. We did not want to wake you.'' + +Ey poured emself a cup of coffee before joining them. ``Appreciate it. Hope I'm not interrupting.'' + +True Name shook her head. ``We are discussing our plan for the day.'' + +Ey bought emself a moment by taking a sip of coffee. ``Is today the day, then?'' + +``May Then My Name thinks so, but we were also waiting for you to join us to make sure.'' + +``Well, if it were solely up to me, I'd just spin my wheels worrying about it until we ran out of time, so I suppose I'm alright with it. What all will go into it?'' + +``Well,'' True Name began, a fork appearing next to her. ``First I fork and she will head to the tent.'' + +The new instance of True Name bowed. ``Then the perilous path was planted, And a river and a spring On every cliff and tomb,'' she said before waving goodbye and padding back out through her room. + +Ioan stared after the departing skunk and shook eir head. ``You guys are so weird.'' + +They both laughed. + +``Then we will set up a space for me to rest in the meantime,'' True Name continued. ``And then I suppose that is all there is to it. May Then My Name will fork and quit and I will process the merge.'' + +``And your fork is just there in case something goes wrong?'' + +``Or if the result is not acceptable.'' + +``\,`Not acceptable'?'' + +``If the merge does not go well or if I wind up being unable to work as I would like.'' + +``Or if all of my emotions get overwhelming,'' May added. ``Since I do rather have a surfeit.'' + +Ioan leaned over and ruffled a hand over the skunk's ears. ``Yeah, you definitely do.'' + +``Yes, yes, and you love me for it.'' She laughed and pushed eir hand away, straightening the mussed up fur. ``Breakfast first, though, and then we can work from there.'' + +After another Scandinavian-style breakfast, the three of them re-organized True Name's room. The bed was set in a corner instead of up against one wall, allowing a collection of pillows to be placed against the walls in case she wanted to lean against them or organize them into a nest. + +``Are you sure you don't want to set up something out in the prairie?'' + +``I did consider it, but May Then My Name talked me out of it, stating that she would like to be at hand without having to spend all of her time out there, herself. Besides, if I learned one thing from End Waking merging down, it was that the less I have to think about my body, the easier it is to focus on my mind. Comfort will only ever help.'' + +They also supplied her with ready water, juice, and a few comforting snacks on one of the bedside tables so that she wouldn't have to get up just to go to the kitchen. + +Another beanbag was added by the bed, in case she requested that they stay in there for any length of time, and a more comfortable bench-swing was added to the balcony in case she needed to go outside but wasn't feeling up to walking down to the prairie itself. + +It felt like rather a lot of preparations to make just for a merge, but then May had last merged down 83 years before ey had uploaded—nearly 64 before ey'd even been born—and after seeing how intense End Waking's merge had been, none of them felt up to cutting any corners and having to rush comfort after the fact. + +Finally, though, there was nothing left to do, no further preparations to be made that weren't just stalling, so May took eir hand to hold em still so that ey'd quit pacing. + +``I don't even know why I'm fretting so much, I'm not even the one merging.'' + +True Name smiled faintly and shrugged. ``I am fretting too, do not worry.'' + +``It is a big event,'' May added. ``It will be an even bigger merge and, while it may be more comfortable than End Waking merging down as she has said, it will be no less complex.'' + +Ey sighed and nodded, squeezing her paw before tugging eir hand free. ``Right. I'll relax and leave you to the rest of it.'' + +``Please stay, Ioan,'' True Name said quietly. + +``Stay?'' + +``Yes. Please stay. I do not think it will be dramatic, but, well\ldots{}'' She hesitated and frowned. ``You are a grounding person. Is that not what my counterpart on Castor said about Codrin? I appreciate your presence.'' + +Ey considered any number of responses ey could give before just nodding. If nothing else, ey didn't want to hold either of the skunks up from what would most certainly affect both of them more than it would em. + +May forked and the new instance climbed up onto the bed with True Name, the two skunks kneeling, facing each other, amid all the blankets and pillows. + +%\AddToHookNext{shipout/after}{\includepdf[pages={1},noautoscale=true,fitpaper=true]{assets/merge}} + +Both Ioan and True Name watched as the down-tree instance of May scrubbed her paws over her face vigorously for a moment, gave a shaky wave, and then quit. True Name winced and screwed her eyes shut, and the May who had knelt with her on the bed reached out and took the skunk's paws in her own. + +``Go ahead.'' + +It was still another ten seconds or so before True Name managed to relax enough to permit the merge to progress, and even then the only visual indication was a slow slump of her shoulders and a relaxing of the muscles of her face. + +Ioan stuffed eir hands in eir pockets and did eir best to feel rooted to where ey stood, hoping against hope that ey could keep from pacing. May watched True Name carefully, eyes searching her features for what ey could not tell. She seemed almost frozen, breathing shallowly despite the relaxed set of her features. + +And ey stood and watched them both. + +The three of them stayed like that for nearly five minutes—two skunks kneeling on the bed while ey watched from beside it—before True Name moved again. + +``Oh\ldots oh, I cannot\ldots{}'' she whispered, and started to sag over to one side. + +May shushed her quietly and helped her to lay out on her side before settling down with her. They curled together, still facing each other, nearly snout to snout and still holding paws. + +Ey stood and watched. Then ey sat on the beanbag and watched. Watched and waited, though ey wasn't sure what for. + +It was more than an hour before May forked beside em, took eir hand, and led em from the room. Neither of the skunks on the bed had moved or made a sound other than May asking True Name if she was okay at one point and the other skunk shaking her head. + +Once the door was shut behind them, May let out a shaky sigh and padded over to the kitchen. ``That was very hard.'' + +``Why, do you think?'' ey asked. + +She took a moment to pour herself a glass of water before replying. ``I want to be here with you, and I also want to be in there with her, and I also want to go back in time and tell her I do not want to merge, and I also want to go back in time and merge instead of End Waking, and\ldots a-and\ldots{}'' + +``Come here, May.'' + +She clutched the water to her chest with both paws, stumbling blindly around the kitchen counter so that ey could guide her to the beanbag. + +She sat down and let Ioan rub her back. Only once she could manage a sip or two of water, she said, voice hoarse, ``Did I fuck up, Ioan?'' + +Ey was still teasing apart the day—or perhaps the last month—but all the same, ey did eir best to respond to what ey suspected lay beneath the surface of the question. ``Do you think she resents you for not just letting her be True Name?'' + +May whined and set the water glass aside, shifting on the beanbag until she could rest her head on eir thigh. ``I worry that the real reason she wanted to do this was because there is no going back to who she was. One of those `fuck it, burn it all down' situations.'' + +``There could be some of that, but is that so bad?'' + +``I do not know,'' she mumbled. + +``Can you imagine her being okay staying as True Name and being all cooped up for the rest of eternity?'' + +She snorted. ``God, no. I think she would lose it.'' + +``Same, yeah. She'd probably try to pull a Dear or something.'' + +``And hate every minute of it. You heard her, she likes who she was and all that she did. I cannot imagine her letting that go.'' + +Ey nodded and combed eir fingers through the fur on the nape of her neck. ``So she'll be left with a complex view of that—or, well, a couple of them, I guess—maybe enough for her to change how she moves through the world. Think it'll be enough for Jonas?'' + +The skunk rolled until her face was nearly pressed against eir belly to let em pet. ``I do not know,'' she mumbled. ``I do not think even she knows.'' diff --git a/mitzvot/content/old/030.tex b/mitzvot/content/old/030.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..fde25e5 --- /dev/null +++ b/mitzvot/content/old/030.tex @@ -0,0 +1,407 @@ +\begin{center}\rule{0.5\linewidth}{0.5pt}\end{center} + +Sleep was the first obstacle they ran into. + +While True Name had, at one point, sat up long enough to drink half a glass of water, she had yet to leave the bed, and with her still down for the count, the instance of May that had remained was unwilling to leave her side, even for dinner, which she declined. + +``You don't think sleeping with her will be enough to keep you comfortable through the night?'' + +She rolled her eyes and poked em in the stomach with a dull claw. ``It is not just that I do not want to sleep alone. I want to sleep with you.'' + +Ioan blinked, laughed, and rubbed at the back of eir neck. ``Right, sorry, I guess I've been stuck on logistics mode for a bit.'' + +``Is this not emotional?'' + +``It is! I'm just\ldots overwhelmed or something.'' + +May nodded and looped her arms up around eir shoulders. ``That much I understand, my dear.'' + +``Would it make sense if I added a cot or something in there? I could at least sleep nearby.'' + +She perked up and tilted her head. ``One moment. Or\ldots well, come with me.'' + +May led em to True Name's room where the skunk was slouched over on the bed, head resting in the other instance of May's lap, the two of them tucked into the nest of pillows in the corner. + +``Let me reduce--'' The May who had stayed with Ioan quit, leaving the other instance of her to quickly incorporate the merge and continue, ``--conflicts. True Name, are you able to speak?'' + +The answer was a long time coming. ``Some,'' she croaked. + +May nodded. ``I am not going to leave, but it is getting close to bedtime. I am also not comfortable not being near Ioan. May ey sleep in here with us?'' + +True Name slowly rolled her head to the side enough to squint at Ioan through one eye. Her cheek-fur was a mess of tear tracks. ``Ioan?'' + +``I can make a cot by the bed,'' ey said, then laughed. ``Or just another, smaller bed, I guess. No need to make one of those uncomfortable things.'' + +She slowly pushed herself up to a sitting position, though she remained half-slouched against May. ``Can you\ldots make the bed bigger?'' + +``Well, I mean\ldots{}'' ey shrugged helplessly, looking to May. + +The skunk tilted her head back against the wall, looking up to the ceiling thoughtfully. ``I do not see why not, I suppose,'' she said, sounding distant. + +``Worried?'' True Name mumbled. + +Ioan shifted eir weight uncomfortably from one foot to the other. ``I just, uh,'' ey stammered. ``I don't want to make things weird. I can't even imagine all you're going through.'' + +True Name laughed hoarsely. ``It is not a comfortable\ldots time for us, no.'' She sighed, sat up further, and rubbed at her face. ``Preference\ldots make bed larger and join\ldots second choice, other bed.'' + +Ey nodded. ``I can make the bed bigger. Should I make a second set of covers?'' + +She swallowed several times in a row, a sign of tears to come ey well knew from May. ``Can I ask\ldots can you two\ldots{}'' + +May got her arms around the skunk and shushed her gently. ``We will work it out.'' + +Ioan hesitated a moment longer before willing the bed to expand another half meter in width. A second set of covers and pillows spooled themselves out onto it as well, just in case. + +Ey paced back and forth a few times, shook eir head, then waved a hand again to bring a set of pajamas into being on the bed. Sleeping in eir usual dress of a pair of boxers didn't seem quite appropriate at the moment. + +May blinked down at the clothes, giggled quietly, and shook her head. \emph{``You are such a nerd,''} she subvocalized through a sensorium message so as not to disturb True Name. \emph{``It is a good idea, but you are a total nerd.''} + +Ey shrugged helplessly, gathered up the loose lounge pants and shirt to go change. + +\emph{``I have no clue how tired I even am,''} ey sent once ey returned. \emph{``Or if I'll even be able to sleep here.''} + +\emph{``If you need to sneak off to sleep in our bed, you can.''} + +\emph{``I'm} also \emph{unwilling to sleep without you, so\ldots``} + +Her expression softened. She tilted her muzzle down to whisper something to True Name, and when she received a nod in response, she signed \emph{okay} and patted the bed to invite em up. + +Ey nodded and climbed onto the (now much larger) bed so ey could settle down beside May in the nook of pillows. Getting eir arm around her, ey let her rest her head on eir shoulder. It was a little awkward with True Name still slouched against her side, but it worked well enough. + +\emph{``I'm surprised she's so\ldots physical,''} ey sent. + +\emph{``She was not, at first, but I suspect she is working her way from past to present. She slowly got closer and closer as she learned how I did the same.''} + +It made sense, at least. Whenever ey'd dealt with a longer merge—eir longest had been around thirteen months, and a particularly boring project at that—it always felt like the memories were interleaving themselves in with the ones ey already had, histories slowly zippering themselves into consensus. Conflicts, then, were the snags one encountered along the way, and one would have to dump energy into either reconciling or discarding memories. It was a very consuming task, and that True Name had been able to speak at all was far more than ey could have done. + +\emph{``Think it's overriding the bits of her and End Waking that aren't keen on touch?''} ey asked. + +\emph{``Must be.''} + +\emph{``How are you doing with it?''} + +She sighed, at which True Name squinted up to her, then over to Ioan, offering a weak smile before settling back into processing. + +\emph{``I do not know, my dear. It has activated all of my care instincts, so I am happy to make her comfortable in all of the ways I know how. It helps, then, that those are all of the ways she knows now, too, or at least is learning. If I focus on that, I feel very positive. It is only when I get distracted and ruminating that I begin to spiral. It is more comfortable for me to focus on caring for someone now than it is to think about boundaries or Zacharias or Jonas.''} + +Ey kissed between May's ears, murmuring, ``You're a good person, May.'' + +The skunk lifted her snout to tuck it up under eir chin. + +``You two\ldots are disgusting,'' True Name mumbled. ``Keep it up.'' + +May laughed and tightened her grip around her briefly. ``Hush, you. We will work on going to bed soon. I hope that you can get some sleep.'' + +She only shrugged. + +``Well, either way, I will let you keep the corner nest and be right here. Ioan can take the outside.'' + +``Keeping em\ldots away?'' + +May frowned. ``I am keeping myself close to you.'' + +``I kid. I have not\ldots even gotten there, yet,'' True Name said, slowly pushing herself up once more and frowning at just how far away the glass of water was. Ioan leaned forward to grab it for her. She drank carefully. ``But if it\ldots also keeps awkwardness down\ldots that is good, too.'' + +Ioan accepted the glass from her once she finished, re-filling it from the pitcher they'd brought in and setting it on the windowsill near the nook so that she could get to it herself. ``We can talk about that later. For now, I think it'll work alright.'' + +True Name nodded and settled down into her nest of pillows. + +May and Ioan stayed up a little longer, chatting through sensorium messages to let True Name process in peace. Cognizant of her mention that she felt better when not thinking about boundaries, ey kept the topics light, asking about favorite things and letting her rant about plays from her past that she'd hated. + +Nearly an hour later, just as May started to nod off, True Name yelped and sat up, scrambling back against the wall away from them. ``You know!'' she shouted. ``Codrin knows!'' + +It took only a moment for understanding to click into place. Both ey and May sat up to give her a bit more space. + +``Hush, my dear,'' May said, voice soothing. ``It is okay. Remember Dear's letter.'' + +``I\ldots I cannot-- It is too much!'' + +Ioan held still, hands flat on eir thighs. The urge to wipe the sweat from eir palms was pressing against em, but ey wanted to at least appear calm, even if ey didn't feel such. + +May began to crawl towards True Name, then stopped when her cocladist shied away from her. ``Codrin has not spoken it aloud, not even with True Name\#Castor. I confirmed with Dear: ey only said \emph{that} ey heard it, and that is all that ey told Ioan.'' + +She snatched a pillow from the pile and clutched it to her chest, wide-eyed. ``Why?'' + +``Ey couldn't be the only one,'' Ioan said quietly. ``We don't do as well under pressure as you, we don't\ldots well\ldots{}'' + +``Keep secrets?'' she growled. + +May held up her paws disarmingly. ``They keep secrets very well. They just do not keep many.'' + +She glanced sharply at May, then said to Ioan, ``Ey did not tell you the Name? No one else knows?'' + +``No.~The message was individual-eyes-only. I haven't even shown May.'' After a moment's thought, ey added, ``But I can unlock it for you, if you want. It's in an exo I haven't looked at since.'' + +``Sweep the whole sim,'' she snapped. + +Ey nodded, swept the sim of everyone but the three of them, and instructed the perisystem architecture to print out the \emph{0 individuals swept} receipt onto a slip of foolscap, which ey handed over. + +``Move back, May Then My Name,'' she instructed, quieter this time. When May obliged, the skunk crawled closer to em and set up a cone of silence with secure visual ACLs. She was panting and shaking, though ey was pleased to see that at least the anger that had swelled briefly had subsided once more into something more manageable. Ey didn't think any of them were up for a shouting match. Once she'd knelt beside em, whispered, ``Show me.'' + +Ey drew the sheet out of the air, holding it up for True Name to see the fully redacted text, then unlocked it for her eyes only and handed it over. + +She read it through top to bottom a few times, set it down and kneaded her paws against her face, then picked it up to read it once more. + +Finally, shoulders sagging, she handed it back. ``Re-secure it and destroy it, please.'' + +Ey did so and held up eir hands. ``I'm sorry, True--'' + +She patted eir arm with a shaking paw. ``Please do not apologize.'' After dropping the cone of silence, she continued, ``I should have\ldots I should have learned from\ldots I am sorry.'' + +May held out a paw once more, and this time True Name took it, letting herself be guided back to the nest of pillows, where she slumped down once more, expression glassy. ``Could themself have peeped—And seen my Brain—go round —'' she mumbled. + +``Rest, my dear. It is okay,'' May said quietly. ``Do you want company?'' + +``Too much\ldots but I\ldots{}'' After a shuddering breath, she shook her head. ``I will\ldots be fine. We will speak later.'' + +May nodded and crawled back over to Ioan, nudging em to lay down so that she could tuck in against eir front. She remained tense, and when ey sent a gentle sensorium ping, she sniffled and shook her head. + +Tiredness eventually won them over, though, and, despite the room being mirrored from what ey was used to, the bed was the same, comfortable one ey'd slept in for the last century, the house held the same sense of `home' as ever. May curled against eir front as she always did, and while it was strange seeing True Name just beyond her, it was still where ey belonged. + +The last thing ey remembered before falling asleep was watching the way True Name had curled to face May, the two skunks holding each others' paws once more, and thinking to emself, \emph{This isn't how I pictured things winding up if I had somehow been able to fix things between them, but it could certainly be worse.} + +\begin{center}\rule{0.5\linewidth}{0.5pt}\end{center} + +Waking brought confusion. Something about the inversion from their normal bed, of having fallen asleep on eir other side than ey usually did, induced a subtle sense of vertigo at first. The pajamas were also bunched up around em strangely, adding a subtle sense of constriction. As sleep slowly seeped away, though, the feeling lessened and ey was able to relax in the warmth beneath the covers. + +Warmer than expected, perhaps. May was still in eir arms, as usual, but the position felt off with the addition of a second warm bulk. + +Ey tried to puzzle it out through the fog of doziness that still surrounded em. Eventually, ey gave up and levered eir eyes open, blinking a few times to bring the world into focus. + +At some point in the night, True Name had apparently rolled over and wound up curled in May's arms, much as she was curled in eirs, and with with eir arm resting atop May's, ey was left hugging two skunks. + +Ey lay there for a while, groggily trying to piece together eir thoughts on the situation. As far as ey could remember in eir still sleep-addled state, ey'd never been this close to True Name before. There had been the occasional casual touch, a few touches out of necessity—grabbing her hand to get away from Guōweī, lifting her after End Waking's merge—but even going back to when ey'd first met her, there'd been very little touch. It made sense, given her personality, and yet here she was, all cuddled up with the two of them. If nothing else, ey should probably decide whether or not to extricate eir arm from the situation to ease that awkwardness. + +Ah well, ey was probably worrying too much about this, just laying there and ruminating. + +\emph{``You almost certainly are, Mx. Bălan,''} came the barest whisper of a sensorium message. \emph{``Especially if you are mumbling.''} + +Ey jolted at the words impinging on eir senses, getting a sleepy grumble out of May. + +\emph{``Sorry,''} ey replied to True Name. + +There was a note of amusement, of almost-laughter, as she sent, \emph{``It is okay, dear. What are you worried about? You only mumbled the last bit.''} + +Eir mind raced as ey tried to figure out how best to explain what ey'd been cycling over. + +\emph{``I rolled over sometime in the night—I do not know when, I was memory-sick—and have been staying still to keep from waking you two. Would you like me to move?''} + +\emph{``No\ldots{}''} ey replied hesitantly. \emph{``But you guessed right. I hope this isn't weird or anything. If you need to--''} + +\emph{``Ioan, I asked after your preferences,''} she chided. \emph{``I am okay, I promise.''} + +Ey hid the heat rising to eir cheeks by burying eir face in May's fur. \emph{``Right, sorry. You're okay there. I'm just being awkward.''} + +Ey felt True Name relax. \emph{``We both are. It is comforting and awkward in equal measure. One third of me is very happy to be held, one third would really rather not be touched, and one third is simply confused. I am of three minds.''} + +\emph{``Have you finished merging, then?''} + +There was a subtle rustle of fur against pillow as the skunk shook her head. \emph{``I have the memories in place, but there are many conflicts yet to process. It is easier to put those on hold, at least, so that I can make fun of you for mumbling for a little bit.''} + +Ey smirked. \emph{``Har har. All the same, I'm glad you made it through to this far, at least.''} + +\emph{``Thank you, Ioan. As am I.''} + +They fell back into silence then. Ioan spent a while marveling at the mix of coziness and strangeness. It \emph{was} comfortable, there with the two skunks. May was in eir arms as she should be, and True Name, similar as she was, fit well enough in the mix. The strangeness, then, came from the knowledge that she was specifically True Name. This was so counter to what ey knew of her from the years prior, especially the version of her that she'd become over the past few weeks since End Waking's merge. + +Ey could already tell that she'd changed, though, even beyond the fact that she'd wound up as close as this. Her speech patterns were shifting once again, losing some of their formality, finding their way back to ground from the high-minded patterns she'd picked up from her other cocladist, and yet they weren't totally those of May, either. They didn't sound the same, just more alike than they had before. + +She was tripled, now. She was True Name and she was End Waking and she was May. Whether or not she would become something new or remain thus ey didn't think even she knew. The adjustment would certainly take time for everyone. Ey liked End Waking quite a bit as a friend, but that friendship was different than that of eirs with True Name. Ey was friends with May, but in that way that partners were still friends beneath the romance of a big-R Relationship, and there was certainly no comparison to be made between the other small-r relationships. If she was of three minds, so was ey. + +\emph{``Unrelated to comfort or awkwardness, I am going to get up to make coffee,''} she sent, nudging em out of rumination once more. \emph{``I did not sleep, and if I do not have coffee soon, I shall surely die.''} + +May grumbled again when True Name rolled away from her, gathering the remainder of the covers and a stray pillow up to replace the space that had been left by her cocladist's absence. Ey couldn't tell if the skunk was actually awake or not, but she settled down once more, if nothing else. + +True Name sat up and scrubbed at her face with her paws, wiping the grit of sleep—or perhaps tears—from her eyes. She grinned down to em. \emph{``My assessment remains. You two are so cute that it is disgusting.''} + +Stifling a laugh, ey rolled eir eyes. \emph{``Blame May.''} + +\emph{``Way ahead of you, dear,''} she sent as she crawled out of bed. \emph{``I will make coffee and then I will need some alone time on the plain. I will ensure there is enough for all.''} + +There was a quiet clattering from the kitchen, mugs being shifted about and the coffee pot being set in place, doubtless another instance of her making enough noise to let them know what she was up to. + +It was enough to wake May the rest of the way, the skunk stretching out against eir front and yawning wide before she shifted about to face em. ``Pillows,'' she mumbled, peeking down at the bundle she still held in her arms. ``Oh, did I\ldots?'' + +Ioan nodded, placing a kiss atop her head. ``She said she rolled over against you, yeah.'' + +``Sorry, Ioan.'' + +``It's fine by me, I slept through most of it,'' ey said, chuckling. ``She and I talked about it a bit before you woke up. She's confused about it, but seemed like she needed it.'' + +``She is learning my wicked ways,'' she mumbled against eir front. ``I am happy to hear that it was helpful and that you are okay with it, though.'' + +``Mmhm. How about you?'' + +May yawned again before poking her nose up against eir chin. ``I do not know. I slept through it, too, apparently. It fits with what I said earlier, though. I am pleased to care for those around me.'' + +``She also called us disgusting again.'' + +``That is because we are. Is that her making coffee?'' + +Ey nodded, nudging her snout with eir chin. + +``Good girl.'' + +A few minutes later, True Name returned, carrying three mugs of coffee. Ioan and May pushed themselves up to sitting so that they could accept. + +``I am sorry I shouted last night. I think I understand Dear's letter better now.'' + +May nodded. + +``I was wondering if you didn't know about\ldots all that before last night, honestly,'' Ioan said. + +``I have been fed bad and incomplete information for years now. I had not suspected just to what extent. I am still frightened, if I am honest, but I will trust you two on this. It is complicated and bound up in emotions I do not understand, but I will trust you.'' She shook her head. ``But I cannot speak of it any more right now.'' + +``Heading outside?'' ey asked. + +She nodded. ``Yes. I will need an hour or so of nothing but the morning and the grass.'' + +``Of course.'' + +May nodded. ``Take the space you need.'' + +True Name leaned over enough to dot her nose against the skunk's cheek. ``Thank you, dear. If you cook breakfast, I will refrain from telling Ioan embarrassing stories.'' + +``Asshole.'' She laughed. ``Where did this humor come from?'' + +``Your guess is as good as mine, at this point.'' + +``She seems to be doing well,'' ey said, once she'd made her way outside and down the stairs to the prairie. + +``It helps that I did not drop a merge onto her unexpectedly. She had more to process, but more preparation to do so.'' + +``She said she's done getting the memories in order but working on conflicts now.'' + +May nodded. ``About a third of the way done, then.'' + +``It's really gratifying to see it going so much more smoothly this time.'' + +``Agreed, yes,'' she said between sips. ``I was not expecting her to turn into a cuddlebug, but I suppose that will level out before long. Was that awkward, this morning?'' + +Ey shrugged. ``A little, I guess. Just hard making it work in my head. Doesn't fit with what I remember of her.'' + +``I cannot picture you getting cozy with \emph{just} True Name, no. I can barely picture her getting cozy with anyone, and that is certainly not even bringing End Waking's general touch-aversion into the equation.'' + +``I'd assume she got cozy with Zacharias, if they were together.'' + +May's expression soured. ``We will need to talk about him soon, but I cannot talk about him now.'' + +``Of course.'' + +She made a setting aside gesture, stepping back to the previous topic. ``Did that feel like crossing a boundary?'' + +``Not particularly, no. It just felt like me being awkward, more than anything.'' + +``That is good, then.'' She finished her coffee and waved the mug away. ``I do not know how to feel about it, myself, because I do not know what she will be like when she has finished incorporating the merge. She is not yet settled enough, so I will forgive much that I might not otherwise.'' + +``It's not like she was hitting on me or anything,'' ey said, laughing. + +She smirked. ``Are you sure?'' + +Ey reached over to tug on one of her ears gently. ``Yes, I'm sure. I'm dense, but not \emph{that} dense.'' + +The skunk tilted her head at the tug, laughing. ``Has your opinion of her as a friend changed?'' + +Ioan tilted eir head. ``How do you mean?'' + +``I do not imagine that you felt the same about her when she was just True Name as you do now about who she has become. Or is becoming, at least.'' + +``Well, no,'' ey hazarded. ``But I don't know just how, yet.'' + +``Me either.'' + +They reconvened over a simple breakfast of scrambled eggs and potatoes with toast. + +``I instructed my fork to quit,'' True Name said by way of opening the conversation. + +``Feeling positive about the merge, then?'' ey asked. + +``Yes. Having worked through some conflicts, it will not be easy, but I am comfortable with the direction in which it is going.'' She took a bite of toast piled high with egg and potato, chewing thoughtfully. ``It is not all positive, but it has given me hope for a pleasant life moving forward.'' + +``Was your life unpleasant before?'' When May frowned at em, ey held up eir hands. ``Sorry, maybe that's impertinent. It's not important.'' + +True Name shook her head. ``It is okay. It was, yes. It was fulfilling. I felt hopeful and comfortable with the path I had chosen. The work itself was starting to grate on me, but that had less to do with the work than the coworker. Pleasantness was never a focus for me, however.'' + +May, having subsided, finished her bite of toast before\pagebreak\ asking, ``Did you have hope for happiness with just End Waking's merge?'' + +``No.~Not at all.'' She reached out a paw to give one of May's a squeeze, adding quickly, ``Again, I understand—now more than ever—why you did what you did, and I do approve of it in light of what is happening with Jonas, but it was an uncomfortable duality in comparison to this more comfortable plurality and I may yet settle into a new singularity. I do not know.'' + +May smiled gratefully, returning that squeeze. + +``Meeting up with my fork hammered that point home pretty well. She looked\ldots well, I will not elaborate on the differences I saw. Seeing myself through her eyes, I can tell that she was pleased as well.'' + +``I am very happy to hear that,'' May said. ``Not least of which because you seem to be building a new self rather than simply a raw combination of us.'' + +True Name nodded, finished her plate before setting it aside. ``Thank you for breakfast, May Then My Name. Your secrets are safe for another day-- ow!'' + +``Your high station does not preclude you from being kicked, my dear,'' May said sweetly. ``You deserved that.'' + +The skunk preened. + +Ioan watched the exchange, grinning. Beyond just what she'd said, ey could read relief in May's features. That resentment towards her down-tree instance had never quite gone away, ey knew, and, on some level, it likely never would. Still, that True Name was, as the skunks had said, rebuilding herself into a new person seemed to have brought out a new sense of friendliness within eir partner that had been lacking to that point. + +Ey wondered if she would go through a reevaluation of who True Name had been before, much as ey had. It was certainly enough that she felt more positive, but ey—em and Codrin\#Castor, perhaps—seemed to have dropped much of that resentment that had lingered in May and so many others, though whether that was due to a difference in temperament or the relatively short time they'd known the skunk in comparison, ey couldn't tell. + +``Is it just me, or is eir mumbling getting worse?'' True Name stage-whispered to May. + +She whispered back, ``Perhaps the centuries are catching up to em. Is this how the Bălans crack? Should we warn Dear?'' + +``Are all skunks such pests?'' Ey smirked. + +They laughed. + +``I mumble more when I'm stressed, that's all.'' + +``Are you stressed now, my dear?'' May asked. + +``It's a stressful time overall, even if this particular morning is pleasant enough.'' + +``It feels rather like the morning after a sleepover, yes,'' True Name said. + +May nodded eagerly. + +``I've never had one of those, so I'll have to take your word for it. Do those always come with cuddling up in the morning?'' + +Both skunks splayed their ears and dipped their snouts. + +``It depends on the sleepover,'' May said, adding to True Name, ``Are you feeling well enough to discuss boundaries now?'' + +She hesitated. ``We can begin the conversation, though I will need to address further conflicts before long.'' + +``To be clear,'' Ioan said. ``I'm okay with it, it was just unexpected.'' + +True Name gave a hint of a bow. ``One thing that came up in our discussions leading up to the merge is that the one with the greater restrictions in a relationship defines the boundaries. Right now, I suspect that may be one of you two. I am the outsider, here. I have never had to have a conversation such as this.'' + +``My comment about you building up a new self has gone a long way towards soothing any fears,'' May said. ``I think I was worried you might incorporate my memories of the last few decades wholesale and wind up feeling exactly the way that I do about Ioan.'' + +True Name shook her head. ``I have taken to heart your requests and declined the personal memories you suggested. There are many conflicts,'' she said, speaking more slowly. ``Perhaps due to your feelings about me as I was, so I am not sure how I feel yet, but\ldots well, may I speak earnestly?'' + +May and Ioan both nodded. + +``On that point, I remember enough to know why it is that you love Ioan. I can see what it is that you see in em. It is as if\ldots{}'' She trailed off, ears pinned flat. ``This is so fucking embarrassing. I am sorry. Uh\ldots it is as though there is a world in which I could do the same, but I do not know how to get from here to there. Again, I am sorry, May Then My Name.'' + +There was a long silence around the table while Ioan and May digested this. True Name spent it resting her head in her paws and staring down at her plate. + +It was May who broke the silence, saying simply, ``May.'' + +True Name sniffled and lifted her head. ``Sorry?'' + +``Stop calling me May Then My Name.'' + +``I--'' + +``Do not make it weird, True Name,'' May said, laughing. She held out a paw toward the skunk ``Just fucking call me May already.'' + +``Right. May,'' True Name said, gingerly resting her paw in her up-tree instance's. + +``I do not know how you get from this world to that one, either, should that even be something you want, but,'' she said, taking a deep breath, ``so long as you come by that path earnestly and we discuss it in the moment, it is your path to take. Do you have any thoughts, Ioan?'' + +Ey held up eir hands. ``Don't look at me. I don't have a clue.'' + +They laughed. + +``We'll see, I guess,'' ey said, shrugging. ``It's all way too much for me to take in right now.'' + +``Perhaps that is a good place to pause,'' True Name said. ``This conversation has those conflicts begging for attention.'' + +``Of course, my dear,'' May said, giving her paw a squeeze. ``Go and walk. There will be time for discussions to come, especially once we are finished with this unpleasant political business.'' diff --git a/mitzvot/content/old/031.tex b/mitzvot/content/old/031.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..cf67342 --- /dev/null +++ b/mitzvot/content/old/031.tex @@ -0,0 +1,155 @@ +\hypertarget{debarre-2350}{% +\chapter{Debarre — 2350}\label{debarre-2350}} +\markboth{Debarre — 2350}{} + +When Debarre received the ping from End Waking, he quickly excused himself from dinner and dashed out into the back yard to respond. The last time he'd received a message in the middle of a period of overflowing, it had been when the skunk's leg had been impaled on a branch, so he hoped against hope that it wasn't the entire tent washing away in a flood this time. It was getting on in spring—still a bit early for floods, but one never knew\ldots{} + +``E.W.?'' he said. ``What's up? You okay? Is the tent?'' + +``The tent is fine, my dear,'' he replied. ``I apologize if I interrupted, but I have some news regarding May Then My Name, Ioan, and True Name, and you requested that I message you. Besides, I need to speak about it with someone other than them. Someone not an Odist.'' + +He frowned down to the lawn, kicking at a tuft of crabgrass. ``Well, if you're getting in touch, I'm assuming it's urgent.'' + +There was a sense of a sigh from the other end. ``I am sorry, Debarre.'' + +``Fuck, I'm sorry, E.W. That came out way snarkier than intended. I understand. I only meant to ask if it was the type of thing where I should fork and come by right away.'' + +``Please,'' End Waking said, sounding relieved. ``There is nothing to be done, but I am very impatient to speak with someone.'' + +``You? Impatient?'' Debarre laughed. ``I'll be right over.'' + +He forked off Debarre\#RelEW and watched him step from the sim, then spent another few seconds looking out into the yard, trying to remember the last time anything had been so important that it had required him leaving immediately. Something other than a tree falling on his boyfriend, that is. + +``Well, shit,'' he muttered, turning to head back inside. ``This is gonna be a mess.'' + +\begin{center}\rule{0.5\linewidth}{0.5pt}\end{center} + +Debarre\#RelEW was greeted by the sight of End Waking kneeling in the clearing across from May Then My Name. + +``Oh, company,'' he said, frowning. ``Wasn't expecting two of you.'' + +``You messaged\ldots wait, does that mean you are a fork?'' May Then My Name said, frowning at End Waking. + +``It does, yes.'' + +``I never knew you had it in you,'' she said, sounding proud. To Debarre, she said, ``Did this asshole tell you why I am here?'' + +He gave her a hug before sitting down with them. ``He said it had something to do with you, Ioan, and True Name, and that he needed to talk to a non-Odist. That's why I was surprised.'' + +She grinned. ``You will have your chance, my dear. I will not be here long. I needed to step out for a moment, and figured I would catch End Waking up. I am happy to see you as well, though.'' + +``Happy to see you too. You're always welcome over to my place, too.'' + +``Of course, yes. This did involve End Waking, though, so alas, I could not go make you uncomfortable with my flirting.'' + +He shoved at the skunk, who giggled. + +``Well, okay. What's up? You finally merge down?'' + +She blinked, looking startled. ``Yes, actually. How did you guess?'' + +``Ioan mentioned it when we talked last. How'd it go? Did she explode?'' + +``Not at all, no. Actually\ldots{}'' She shrugged, poking at the dirt with a twig. ``Actually, I am finding myself rather fond of her, now.'' + +``Bullshit,'' he growled. + +``Debarre,'' End Waking murmured. + +May Then My Name waved a paw. ``It is okay. You do not have to like her. You do not even have to interact with her. End Waking wanted you to know about some of the practical considerations, but neither of us are planning on swaying your opinion of her.'' + +He frowned and leaned back on his palms. ``Sorry. I guess I'm just worried about you. She's not exactly known for her openness and honesty without ulterior motives, so.'' + +She smiled wanly. ``No, she is not. A fact I have not forgotten. Needless to say, I merged down, and she is making plans to meet up with Jonas, now.'' + +``That falls more in line with practical concerns,'' he conceded. ``And Jonas still wants both of you there?'' + +``As far as I know, yes,'' End Waking said. ``I have spoken with True Name several times over the last few weeks and she has a plan of sorts. I do not know how successful it will be, but it is better than nothing.'' + +``Wait, \emph{you've} been talking with her, too?'' + +``Yes.'' + +He shook his head. He could already feel his hackles up, and this wasn't helping. ``Can't fucking believe it.'' + +May Then My Name frowned, leaned over to hug him around the shoulders, and whispered, ``I am going to leave you to it, but first, remember who you were, who you are, and imagine who you will become. Let go, have fun, but above all, remember that you love him and that he loves you. Those are the rules of engagement.'' + +After a moment's hesitation, he returned the hug. Had she said it in anything less than her most earnest voice, he might have scoffed, but as it was, he could see himself falling for the gentle manipulation as though from a meter above. He could resent her, but she had said exactly what it was that he needed to hear. + +Because of course she had. She was May Then My Name Die With Me. She knew just how to. She was built to. + +``You're such an asshole,'' he whispered back, then kissed her cheek to take any sting out of the words. ``I'll do my best. Now, shoo.'' + +She laughed and licked at one of his whiskerpads. ``Yes, yes.'' + +After she leaned over to pat End Waking on the knee, she stood up and stepped out of the sim. + +Debarre rubbed his paws over his face. ``Where's your root instance? Within an hour's walk?'' + +End Waking nodded. ``Up-river, yes. Would you like me to walk you there?'' + +He shook his head. ``Give me some time to think. There's still some of me that's stuck on dinner parties, then another chunk on this whole thing, and another still on May telling me about these rules of engagement or whatever.'' + +The skunk smiled faintly. ``Twenty minutes' walk up-river, then. He will know that you are coming.'' + +After End Waking quit, Debarre started to trudge up the faint trail that they'd already worn heading up along the river. + +He knew that May Then My Name was right, that he probably needed to at least take into account that if Sasha and Michelle could change enough to make the Odists, then surely True Name could change enough to become someone that even her up-tree instances could like, just as he knew that he probably shouldn't take that out on his boyfriend, frustrated as he was. + +Still, it was hard to square the image of End Waking and True Name meeting up voluntarily. What was it that he'd said when Ioan had come by asking after camping supplies? \emph{``I need to be better to her than she might be to me''}? + +\emph{Remember that you love him,} he thought, even as he trudged up the path. \emph{Even if you're working to undermine all that shit that she's done with Jonas, at least you still love E.W.} + +The skunk was crouching at the edge of the stream, washing his paws after having apparently just finished gutting a trio of large trout. + +``I understand if you are upset, Debarre,'' he said, keeping his gaze on his paws as he scrubbed rather than looking up to him. + +``No,'' Debarre said, sitting down next to him. ``Or, well, I am, but it's whatever. I just don't see how something as stupid as May Then My Name merging down solves anything about this. Suddenly, you two are all buddy-buddy?'' + +End Waking shook his paws free of most of the water before drying them on the hem of his cloak. ``We are not. I am pleased that she is no longer who she was, but she is not a friend. She is not me.'' + +``But you're visiting her!'' + +``On business, such as it is. May Then My Name has asked me over a few times.'' The skunk finally looked at him, gaze level and expression flat. ``Did you not say that you would rather she not die?'' + +``Yeah, but that doesn't mean that you need to interact with her. I don't want her to get offed by some asshole politician, but I also don't particularly want her in my life.'' + +End Waking shifted from his crouch to sitting cross-legged on a rock on the bank of the river. ``I do understand that, yes. I do not particularly want her in mine, either, but I am now a part of hers, whether she likes it or not. I have been able to help her process some aspects of the merge and also tell her more of how I feel to her face. Once this is over, she will not need to be a part of my life any more if I so desire, and I can move on to defining myself through something other than penance.'' + +Debarre scratched a claw through the dirt of the bank, worrying a pebble free so that he could throw it into the river while he thought. Finally, he nodded, saying, ``Okay, I get that. What will you define yourself as, then? Like, don't get me wrong, I'm happy you aren't her, and in part specifically \emph{because} you aren't her, but that's not the only reason I love you.'' + +``I do not know, my love,'' he said after a long silence. ``If I am defined by not being her, by not being what I was, then what is left? I cannot say my love for you, because all of the clade has that to some extent. I cannot even say that I have being an Odist, because, after all these years and with all of her changes over the last few months, I am not even sure that I am that.'' + +``You can be just End Waking,'' Debarre said gently. ``Like, you can just drop the clade and be that nerd who lives in the woods.'' + +The skunk laughed and elbowed him in the side. ``We have rather turned our clade identity into idolatry of a sort, have we not?'' + +``Don't get me wrong, I like where you came from, but I won't be pissed if you drop your clade signifier. Hell, maybe you can even start saying things like `don't' and `isn't'.'' + +``Do not push your luck.'' + +They laughed. + +``You don't have to have this sorted out, though.'' He shrugged, adding, ``You don't even have to stop seeing True Name. I'm sorry I got angry there. I think I just got upset because any chance that you might start liking her felt like something of a betrayal.'' + +``I am a ways off yet from liking her, Debarre. I will not say never, but I have gotten to the point where I tolerate her. I will not betray you, though. You or your reactionary friends or whatever she called them.'' + +Debarre scrambled to his feet, eyes darting around through the trees. ``What the fuck?'' + +``The sim is empty, my dear,'' the skunk said calmly. ``I empty it every time someone enters.'' + +``Yeah, but--'' + +``I think about you a lot, Debarre. Certainly more than anyone else I think about. I have pieced together enough.'' + +He growled. ``Well, shit. I mean, I guess I'm an obvious enough choice for it.'' + +``You are, yes, and doubtless the powers that be have been keeping their eye on you since the dissolution of the Council. I do not know the specifics, nor do I want to. As I said, I will not betray you.'' End Waking smiled wryly, adding, ``And I do not think I am of much interest to any of them, anyway. I rarely leave, and I never enter a building when I do. I am more focused on my next meal than anything else.'' + +``Skunks just wanna get fat.'' + +End Waking grinned toothily. ``It is not \emph{not} true.'' + +``Well, anyway. Fair enough. I don't imagine you'll be ratting us out, and you're right that they probably already know. I'm just glad that you've been sweeping the place.'' + +``I have never caught anyone hitchhiking on you, though I have on May Then My Name and Ioan.'' He shrugged, gathered up the line of fish. ``But speaking of fat, can we go back to cook these? I am not ready for you to stay over, but I would like to eat dinner with you, if you are up for it.'' diff --git a/mitzvot/content/old/032.tex b/mitzvot/content/old/032.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..66a81a6 --- /dev/null +++ b/mitzvot/content/old/032.tex @@ -0,0 +1,109 @@ +Debarre was still mostly full from dinner at home, but he had a few bites of fish forked from End Waking's plate. Tasty, but, as always, lacking in salt. + +After they ate, End Waking tasked Debarre with washing off the plate while he tucked another small log into the stove and started the kettle for tea, which they shared while sitting on the step at the entrance to the tent, keeping the last of the spring chill away. + +``So, my political junkie friends aside, do you have a better idea of what's going on with Jonas and company?'' + +End Waking shrugged. ``A little, perhaps. I think it is this upcoming audio-video tech. I do not think he wanted--'' + +``Moment,'' Debarre said, holding up a paw while he sent a hasty message back home. ``Sorry. We'd been guessing at that, just sent a confirmation. Done now.'' + +``Please do not act on it yet, my dear.'' + +So serious was the skunk's tone that Debarre set down his mug and turned to face him. ``I won't, but you gotta tell me why.'' + +``I am going to be at this meeting. I should probably not even know about their AVEC, but I do because of True Name.'' + +``And given you and I, there's probably only one place I'd get it,'' he guessed and, when the skunk nodded, sent another message back home. ``You sure this place is secure, then? And you're sending a fork, right?'' + +``Yes and yes.'' + +``Good.'' + +End Waking smiled. ``I know that you do, but it is always pleasing to have confirmation that you think so much of me, Debarre.'' + +``Of course I do,'' he scoffed. ``But I interrupted, sorry. You were saying?'' + +``Right. With this AVEC technology, I think that Jonas sees an opening to edge True Name out. I do not know why, but she mentioned something about a diversity of governance across Systems. I do not agree with him on this. I think he is playing a dangerous game by treating each of the Systems so differently. Each System treating itself as a separate country is one thing, but potentially destabilizing them by forcing upon each a different form of governance feels like him treating politics as his personal plaything. I do not like it.'' + +The longer End Waking spoke, the deeper Debarre's frown got. ``Yeah, ever since they set up that Guiding Council thing over on Pollux, we've been wondering about that. It sounds innocuous enough. Reasonably close to the Council of Ten over on Artemis, I guess, at least on the surface. Just folks you can go talk to about disagreements and mediation. That part was inoffensive, but that they would even do such a thing in the face of the \emph{History} is just wild.'' + +End Waking shrugged. ``You know more than I on that end. I do not keep up with either LV beyond what you and Ioan care to pass on. There are messages from the clade, but you know my feelings on them.'' + +``Mmhm.'' Debarre hesitated, then added, ``Though if you do wind up going through them and come across any juicy details about those politics you don't care about, you could always share them with me.'' + +He laughed and shook his head. ``Should my life become so boring, you will have more to worry about, my love. I am better at being a pest than you give me credit for.'' + +``Fine. I'll just get them from May Then My Name.'' + +``You will have to put up with her ceaseless flirting.'' + +Debarre grinned. ``I'm pretty well used to it by now. You're really going to go to this thing, though?'' + +End Waking nodded, chewing on a mouthful of tisane-bits. ``Yes.'' + +``Why, though? Isn't that gonna be dangerous? Never mind totally outside your interest. It'll all be politics.'' + +The skunk was a long time in answering, staring out into the forest and listening to the far-away rush of the waterfall. ``There is what Jonas hopes to accomplish and what I hope to learn. Jonas, I think, would like to gloat. He would like it known that he can loop even me into his plans. He would like even me, even the recluse, scared so that he may use me as a lever over True Name if she is to come out of this alive.'' + +``And me.'' + +``And you, yes. I do not doubt that even he knows what you are up to these days, though I do not know to what extent.'' He poked around in his mug to hunt down the last of the gooseberries. ``I am pleased that you are so careful. I worry about you.'' + +Debarre sat, silent. The comment all but demanded silence from him, so rare was any expression of worry from his boyfriend. + +``I will be going because if this is to be the end of True Name then it will be a step towards letting go. It will be an in for me to become independent. If I am to move beyond that which defines me, I would like to know how.'' + +``Still thinking of cutting your ties? Dropping the clade name?'' + +End Waking shrugged. ``Would that be so bad? May Then My Name would become simply a friend, rather than a cocladist. True Name would become someone I know rather than a down-tree instance. I do not speak with the others. Serene, perhaps? But even then, it has been many years. It would not change my relationship with you. The forest will not care if I am an Odist or if I am not. To it, I am called Nobody, and when I die and moulder beneath the roots, then it will say that it feasts on Nobody.'' + +Debarre sighed. Hearing End Waking talk so much was a rarity, but that the death-thoughts were still there meant it'd be a while yet before he'd be allowed back to stay. + +``And AwDae? The Name?'' he asked. As he always did when Debarre said their friend's name, the skunk stiffened, hunched his shoulders, and drew his hood up over his head. All the same, he'd made it a point to say it at least once per visit. There had been a row the first few times, but he'd won on the point that AwDae had been his friend, too. + +``I do not know, Debarre. That is, I think, the one thing that I will ever defer to True Name on.'' + +He snorted. ``Really?'' + +``If she, of all of us, were ever to feel comfortable speaking it, talking about em, then I will know that this embargo will have been lifted.'' + +``Well, fair,'' the weasel said, finishing his tea before handing the mug back to End Waking to let the skunk snack on the remnants. He'd never really enjoyed them enough to do so himself. ``I'm happy for you, you know that?'' + +End Waking laughed, swallowing the spent lemon balm and mint he'd been chewing. ``Happy?'' + +``Yeah. Like\ldots{}'' Debarre trailed off, hunting for words. ``I've never seen you move forward so much all at once. Or at all, really. Like, it's not a bad thing to have a life that you're happy with, but watching you work on the things you \emph{weren't} happy with is nice to see. Kinda glad May Then My Name talked you into the merge, honestly.'' + +``It has brought me a lightness, yes. She is meddlesome, but kind-hearted.'' + +``You're telling me. She gave me rules of engagement when I first showed up. Thought she was being weird, but they worked pretty well.'' + +``She is a brat.'' + +Debarre laughed. ``You all are. But hey, I should get going.'' + +The slight sag in End Waking's shoulders spoke of relief. He nodded, saying, ``Of course. Thank you for the chance to talk.'' + +``You'll let me know when you're going out to this meeting, right?'' + +``Of course.'' + +``And you promise you'll send a fork?'' + +``I will.'' + +``And call if you need?'' + +``Debarre, shut up,'' End Waking said, patting his knee. ``Go. I will keep you up to date.'' + +``Okay, okay, I'm going.'' He gave the skunk's paw a squeeze and grinned. ``Love you.'' + +``Love you too.'' + +Debarre quit, rather than bothering with stepping back home. The pile of experiences caught his down-tree instance in the middle of a sentence—thankfully something unimportant—and he had to spend a minute reconciling the memories with the ones he'd made since. + +``Well, that was interesting.'' + +``Fuck,'' user11824 said. ``I was worried you'd say something like that.'' + +He laughed. ``You're right to worry. Shit's gonna get really weird here. Life'll get both more and less simple real quick.'' diff --git a/mitzvot/content/old/033.tex b/mitzvot/content/old/033.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..aafd743 --- /dev/null +++ b/mitzvot/content/old/033.tex @@ -0,0 +1,485 @@ +\hypertarget{ioan-bux103lan-2350}{% +\chapter{Ioan Bălan — 2350}\label{ioan-bux103lan-2350}} +\markboth{Ioan Bălan — 2350}{} + +Ioan quickly began to wish for boredom. They'd made it into April and so many things had happened. Assassination attempts, centuries of merging, overflowing\ldots{} + +Ey just wanted to be bored. + +At least they'd settled into a routine once more, and it was far more comfortable than either of the previous ones—when True Name had first moved in, and then after End Waking's merge—so ey couldn't complain too much. + +True Name managed May's merge much more easily than she had End Waking's, and ey could see now the benefits of that week of negotiation beforehand. May had whispered to em one night about the final merge with Michelle and Sasha, about memories crashing down in a cascade of centuries and just how mad that final instance of True Name must have been in those final moments. Even with just one merge, she still occasionally mentioned a pressing memory or two from End Waking demanding attention nearly two months later. + +It was just another part of the routine. A rocky routine, and an exciting one, but still a routine. + +It wasn't all bad, of course. For every talk they had about meeting with Jonas or what role Zacharias played or some boundary one of them had crossed, there were still the pleasant meals, the shared quiet, and, ey had to admit, ey rather liked who True Name had shaped herself into. + +Ey had certainly liked who she used to be, of course, though in a vastly different way—three years of coffee dates stood as testament to that. A large part of this, ey'd realized, came with just how much more settled in herself she was. Even that drive she cherished about herself had been tempered into something smoother, less laser-sharp. She was more well-rounded, more able to relax, more able to work without it occupying the whole of her. + +The weirdest part, though, had to be sleep. They spent two nights staying with True Name while she processed first the memories and then the conflicts before trying to go back to sleeping separately. + +She spent the next day distracted and out of sorts, first begging off breakfast to sit outside, then joining them in the den before getting anxious and slipping off to go lay down again. That night, she woke them a few hours after they'd gone to bed, tearfully asking to join them. + +``This is so fucking stupid. I feel like a fucking kid,'' she'd said between sniffles. ``I am sorry.'' + +May had shushed her and held up the covers for her to climb in, letting her settle back into much the same position she had those first two nights. + +It had certainly worked well enough, with Ioan rising at eir usual eight o'clock while the two skunks slept in for another hour. Later that day, May had instructed—or perhaps reminded—her how to get at least some comfort out of sleeping curled up with a fork. + +Still, once a week or so, they'd wake to her asking to join them, and eventually Ioan had given in and expanded their own bed by a half meter to make it roomier when she did. She'd at least been quite understanding when May had requested that it not be every night. + +Ey was unsure of eir feelings on the matter. On the one hand, it was still intensely weird to see True Name, of all people, openly seeking affection and a shared bed, and stranger still to see May welcoming that. + +On the other, the nights when she joined them weren't unpleasant, even if it would be a while before ey was used to sharing a bed with anyone other than May. This was to say nothing about the shyness ey felt about eir body. The first few times she had joined them, ey had wrapped emself up in a sheet before leaving the bed to maintain some sense of modesty, though given that these nights had usually meant the skunks slept in, ey eventually gave up on that. + +They'd all begun seeing Sarah regularly again, which was a relief. The three of them had even met with her together on one occasion, discussing the path that had led them here and sharing some of their thoughts on how things had wound up in a structured session. + +Ioan found eir own sessions particularly helpful when it came to disentangling eir thoughts on the past. Sarah had urged em to trace eir relationship not just with True Name or May, but with the entire Ode clade from that first message of Dear's through to the present, charting eir feelings about each of them and how they differed or were the same. It helped to pull apart what it was that ey liked about them as well as what it was that left em stressed, exasperated, or just plain tired from their interactions. + +Ey didn't know what the two skunks talked about in their sessions, whether apart or together, but it seemed productive. Not always pleasant, granted: both were left in tears after a few meetings. + +Still, through it all ey was genuinely pleased to see them happy, or at least on their way to happiness. + +Ey just needed boredom and ey needed out. + +It took some convincing—on all three of their parts, since ey needed to convince emself as much as True Name and May—but eventually, Ioan worked up the courage to leave the house, seeking out some much needed solitude, even if it was only in the anonymity of public spaces. + +The coffee shop ey'd frequented for so long may have been safe, but given that eir last visit had included an attempt on a friend's life, ey opted instead for an afternoon in a library. The one ey frequented also felt fraught, given its association with all of those meetings with Jonas and so many others during the research for the \emph{History}, so ey chose one ey'd never been to before from the directory. Besides, the information was technically available anywhere, libraries just provided a familiar physical location to access it, a social place for gathering around the topic of information, and some physical tools used for manipulating that information that individuals rarely had room for. + +Beyond that, though, it was the very idea of the space that appealed to em and so many others. Ey'd long ago let go of eir desire to be a librarian. Codrin\#Pollux had that covered, and ey'd made eir choice, influenced as it was by eir life with May, to settle into theatre. + +That didn't remove the appeal, though. Ey could still go to the building and wander through the stacks, dragging fingertips along the spines of books or poring over maps. Ey could still go sit beside a window with a book ey may not even like and, if nothing else, enjoy the sun. + +This library had eschewed the flashy exterior of eir normal haunt, that glass-walled cube, opting instead for a low and flat structure, one that took its majesty from the way it sprawled out over its campus, buildings connected by breezeways or tunnels, scattered seemingly at random in such a way as to form irregular courtyards full of benches, gardens, or, in one notable case, a small gallery ey initially mistook for another garden, but for the fact that all of the foliage was made of glass. + +Ey liked it immensely. + +The busiest section of the library was far and away the wing that had been built to house the massive information dump from Artemis. This took the form of a squat, pentagonal building—one wall for each Artemisian race and one for their shared knowledge—that bored its way deep into the ground, a slow-sloping spiral winding down along the shelves to allow visitors to browse their way back in time until, at the very bottom, only firstrace had any material. Translation efforts would be running for decades to come, but there was more to read every day. + +Ey stayed away from this for the day. Ey wanted cozy, not awe-inspiring. + +Finally, having loaded up on a few random finds—trashy sci-fi, some contemporary phys-side fiction from decades after ey'd uploaded, even a bit of furry fiction from early in the 21st century ey considered bringing home to show May—ey parked emself in the glass garden and arrayed the books out before em on the table. + +The sci-fi proved to be a little \emph{too} trashy for eir tastes, and while the contemporary fiction was certainly intriguing, it was far too dense for reading when ey was trying to have a lighter, easier day. The furry book struck a nice middle-ground, at least, even if ey couldn't keep the species straight in eir head. + +Eventually, though, ey gave up and just sat in the sun, watching the way it filtered through the glass leaves and branches of the trees. + +\emph{No better way to realize just how tense you are than by relaxing,} ey thought. + +Ey imagined the two skunks also would appreciate some time out of the house, too. Doubtless there were some sims they could visit that would be reasonably safe. Douglas's field, End Waking's forest\ldots well, no longer Arrowhead Lake. + +``Hi Serene,'' ey began, starting up the simplex sensorium message before ey lost both the nerve and the train of thought. ``I know it's been a while since we've spoken, so I hope you're well. I have a strange question that might turn into a really big request. After some\ldots very dramatic events, one of our favorite places is no longer safe for us. I guess that's what happens when you just kind of adopt an abandoned sim without knowing much about it. + +``Still, it's become personally meaningful to us over the years, and we're finding ourselves missing it. I don't know if we necessarily need a copy of it, but would it be possible for you to come take a look at it and see about what all would go into creating something similar? It'd be a modification of my home sim. There's no rush, and if nothing else, it'd be good to say hi sometime. Talk soon.'' + +Further reading was largely a failure. Ey couldn't get back into any of the books ey'd started, and a certain listlessness tamped down any desire to head back to the shelves to hunt more. Ey left them on a page's cart, an act that almost certainly just recycled the physical instances, and hunted down a cafe. + +Serene sent a gentle sensorium ping just as ey picked up eir tea. + +Ey quickly stepped into another courtyard—this one full of actual greenery, hot and humid—in order to reply. ``Hi, Serene. Thanks for getting back to me.'' + +``No problem,'' she said, the lack of any smile in her voice quite conspicuous. ``Thank you for thinking of me.'' + +``Of course, no one better.'' + +``Flatterer,'' she replied, a hint of the usual humor returning. It quickly fled. ``Are you in a place where you can speak freely?'' + +``I\ldots well, give me a moment, and I will make sure of that.'' + +Ey stepped home quickly, stopping in the entryway to sweep emself. No spies. \emph{Thank God,} ey thought. \emph{Wouldn't have put it past them to bug me at the library.} + +Blinking a visually secured cone of silence into being, ey spoke into the sensorium message. ``Okay, secure now.'' + +Serene laughed, ``Oh, I had just meant away from crowds, no need to go through this much trouble.'' + +``Well, given all that's been going on\ldots{}'' + +There was the sense of a sigh on the other end of the message. ``Yes, I suppose you are right. That is why I messaged you back, actually. While it is certainly feasible and I would ordinarily be more than happy, I am not yet ready to engage with True Name.'' + +``That's fair,'' ey said after a pause. ``I know things are complicated. Do you know of any--'' + +``Oh goodness, I did not say I would not do it! I will, just\ldots not yet. Please give me some time, my dear.'' + +Ey frowned, looking down at eir shoes as ey scuffed one against the parquet floor. ``Right, okay. May I ask how you're feeling about this, then? I've had precious little contact with\ldots well, anyone.'' + +There was another sigh. ``I do not know yet, Ioan. I am not unhappy for her. I am not displeased that things are coming to a head with Jonas, as that will mean there will be a change, for better or worse. I am just not yet able to engage.'' + +``Of course.'' + +``Give me the address of the sim, at least. I will take a look and let you know what I think.'' + +``Peak Lake\#587a9383.'' + +``Seriously?'' Serene laughed. ``I have not heard that address in decades.'' + +``Wait, did you--'' + +``It is not mine, no, but a student of mine made it. I do not imagine they still have ACLs, but I will ask.'' + +Ey shook eir head. ``You guys seriously have your hands in everything, don't you?'' + +``It is not \emph{not} true.'' + +``There are billions of people here, I don't know how that'd even be possible.'' + +``How many sim designers focusing on nature do you think there are?'' + +``I haven't the faintest.'' + +``Well, how many of \emph{us} do you think there are?'' + +``Right.'' Ey smirked. ``\,`Nominally' a hundred.'' + +``There you go,'' she said, voice sly. ``We are old and we are many.'' + +``I bet,'' ey laughed. ``Well, thanks for considering the request. I got something off the exchange that is less than ideal, and I miss that place. It's just got bugs.'' + +``Gross.'' + +``Very. Keep in touch, okay?'' + +``Will do, my dear. Say hi for me.'' + +And with that, the message ended. Ey straightened up, went to rub at eir face, realized ey was still holding the cup of tea from the library, and turned the motion into taking a sip. + +Ey dropped the cone of silence and let out a shout. The ACLs had blurred the area outside the cone enough that the sight of two skunks standing just outside its edge, staring intently at em and whispering to each other caught em off guard. + +``What the hell?'' + +Both skunks laughed. + +``We could ask you the same, my dear,'' May said, stepping up to get her arms around eir middle. ``What an awkward place to have a conversation.'' + +``I had to get somewhere secure,'' ey said, voice muffled as ey placed a kiss between her ears. ``Serene says hi, by the way.'' + +``What were you talking about that required security?'' True Name asked, still grinning. + +``Nothing too serious, actually. Just an abundance of caution, there. I was seeing what it would take to get our own copy of Arrowhead Lake.'' + +Both skunks perked up at that. ``Is that something she can do?'' True Name asked. + +``Apparently one of her students made it, so she's going to ask and see if they have ACLs. Otherwise, she said she's happy to make something similar down the line. Maybe once this is all over.'' + +True Name nodded. ``I will look forward to it. The field is fine for now when I get restless, but I miss the lake.'' + +Ey nodded. ``Same. You going to let me in, May?'' + +``Absolutely not,'' she said. ``You will have to pick me up and carry me if you would like to enter your own home.'' + +Ioan poked at her side until ey found a ticklish spot. ``Such a brat.'' + +She giggled and shoved herself away from em. ``Rude. Come on, my dear. I have been pestering True Name with my monologue, and we are both bored loopy. Tell us about your excursion.'' + +Ey was chivvied into the living room and sat down on the beanbag so that May could slouch against eir side while True Name claimed a spot on the couch. Ey described the seemingly endless library and all its odd-shaped courtyards, then talked about each of the books ey'd picked up—the only one either seemed interested in was the furry one, though neither had heard of it—finally ending with, ``It was good to get out. Like, really good. Got me wondering, though, how are you two doing cooped up here?'' + +May groaned and slumped dramatically back onto the beanbag. ``I am frankly losing my mind. I want to get back to the theatre. I do not even need to be performing, I would not mind even building sets or just falling asleep on that ratty old couch in the dressing room. I miss the stage. I miss the people. I miss drinking until two with Vos and A Finger Pointing. I miss restaurants, Ioan. \emph{Restaurants.}'' + +``Getting sick of my cooking?'' + +``It is the experience I miss. Your cooking is fine.'' She hesitated, then shrugged. ``Though you are not very good at sushi.'' + +``Do you feel like you are not able to leave?'' True Name asked. ``I do not think you would be in danger.'' + +``I would not wish to test that.'' May shrugged. ``It has me anxious that both Jonas and so many of us are out there and have so much out for you. They may not be after me in particular, but I do not want to encounter any of them at the moment.'' + +Ey nodded. ``What about friends' sims? You've been to End Waking's and Douglas's since Secession day, but I'm sure there are others who'd be willing to sweep and have you over just to get out of the house. Hell, I bet Debarre would love to see you, and he seems the paranoid sort, anyway.'' + +She laughed and squirmed around until she was laying on her front, tail draped over eir lap. ``You are right, as always. I will ping one of them at some point.'' + +A motion from the couch drew eir eye. True Name slumping over onto her side and stretching out. ``So many names,'' she said, voice distant. ``I have not seen Debarre in centuries, and yet I saw him just a few weeks ago. I have not met Douglas and yet I know him well.'' + +``You will see them one day, my dear,'' May said. ``I do not know when, but I do not doubt you will.'' + +``Not today. Not yet,'' True Name mumbled. The skunk shook her head, then smiled over to May and Ioan. ``But \emph{you} should, May. Go visit the field and Douglas. Go make fun of End Waking for his cooking. Go sit too close to Debarre and make eyes at him until he squirms.'' + +May laughed. ``I do not know if End Waking has welcomed Debarre back, or I would get to do both at once.'' + +``Of course. Do not lose your mind when you have options yet. I will have the plain. I will have the deck. I will have planning to do, and I can lean on experience from End Waking.'' + +May looked to Ioan, who said, ``I'm with True Name on this. Go on, get out of here.'' + +``Will you not come with?'' + +Ey shrugged. ``I don't know. That's not what we're discussing, though. We're trying to figure out how to get you out of the house.'' + +She smirked. ``Pushing me out the door, now?'' + +``No, of course not,'' ey said, ruffling a hand over her ears. ``Just making sure you get what you need, too.'' + +``I am,'' True Name said lazily, still stretched out on the couch. ``I have been you, I have a guess as to how you might be feeling.'' + +``I would call this mean if you were not both right,'' May said, waving a paw dismissively. ``Give me a moment, then.'' + +When the skunk went silent, True Name looked to Ioan, who shrugged. + +``Alright,'' May said. ``Would you like to do dinner with Debarre, my dear? He invited me over a while back, and I am taking him up on that.'' + +``Wait, tonight?'' + +``He is free, so why not?'' + +Ey furrowed eir brow. ``I was expecting in a few days or so. Maybe, I guess?'' + +``You do not have to, Ioan,'' she chided. ``I know you enjoy alone time as much as anyone.'' + +``Well, ask me before you head out, then, maybe I'll get some work done in the interim.'' + +She leaned up to dot her nose against eir cheek a few times, laughing. ``It is nearly six. I was going to head out now.'' + +``Wait, really?'' Ey frowned, twisting around to see the light slowly fading outside. ``Damn.'' + +``Just stay. Do your work. Enjoy a bit more solitude.'' + +``Alright, alright.'' + +She stood up and stretched, padding over to brush some of True Name's head-fur into order. ``And you enjoy your time outdoors. Or melting on the couch, or whatever it is you are doing.'' + +``Mm. Do enjoy yourself, May.'' + +Once May had changed her clothes and stepped away, a few long minutes of silence fell. Ioan finished eir tea. True Name got lost in thought, or perhaps dozed. + +It was, ey realized, the first time they'd been alone together in weeks. The three of them had been cooped up together since both skunks had overflowed. The circumstances had rather forced their hands in the matter, at least until today. + +There was some lingering discomfort in the air, though, some careful distance between them. Something about what memories True Name had of em—something ey couldn't possibly know—and what that meant for them still made its presence known. It wasn't that they hadn't interacted. Far from it, actually. She'd opened up far more than ey'd expected after the merge, watching May practice her monologue, talking about the decades and centuries before ey'd known her, about the time lost between her and the `other side of the clade', about the root of fear that drove the Odists through the centuries. And it wasn't as though they'd not touched. Though far from intimate, the nights she'd spent in their bed were beyond simple casual touches. + +But it was all still very cautious. Those nights felt like a necessity borne out of overwhelming emotion. She and May had touched plenty—True Name had taken to resting her head in the other skunk's lap, enjoying doting affection—but she'd maintained a sheen of that True Name-brand polite professionalism with em. Friendly, to be sure, but still distant. + +\emph{You can just ask, too, you know.} + +``Hey, True Name?'' + +``Mm?'' + +``Have things been awkward since the merge?'' + +She yawned and levered herself up to a sitting position again, rubbing her eyes. She certainly looked like she'd dozed off. ``Awkward how?'' + +``Well, I mean, we spent all that time talking about May and I's relationship beforehand, and how that would impact you.'' Ey pushed emself up to sitting on the beanbag as well, adding, ``Which I have no clue how to feel about, to be clear. Just asking.'' + +``Well, we are of one mind on that front, at least,'' she said, smiling. ``I have no idea, dear. I am\ldots I remain confused about the conflicting memories. Something about the base of my experience of you from the point of view of me \emph{qua} True Name over the last few years feels more\ldots real, perhaps. May I tell you something in confidence?'' + +Ey knit eir brow and nodded. ``Of course.'' + +``Even at her friendliest and most open, May believed that these merges would make me, in some way, a more complete person. Even I began to believe such. The whole clade has spent too long accusing itself of being incomplete people based on our origins.'' She paused to collect her thoughts, looking down at her paws. ``But she killed me, in her own kind way. She who was True Name is dead, and now I am of three minds. I am what remains of True Name and I am May and I am End Waking. There is some unified core—there must be—as I am not strictly May or End Waking, and perhaps that core will yet have some other name, but I am of three minds.'' + +``In terms of conflicts?'' + +She tilted her head thoughtfully. ``I do not feel the pressure of merge conflicts. Not many, at least. I feel tripled. I feel now like True Name, perhaps, and then I feel like May and some time later I will feel like End Waking. I lack the language to describe it. I felt something similar when I was Michelle and Sasha, but even that was not the same. I become less and less sure that I will be a singular person again, and so the reconciliation that remains is one of ensuring that those facets can coexist peacefully, as Sarah says.'' + +``I'm sorry, True Name, that sounds\ldots I don't even know. Impossible.'' + +``Oh, no, do not get me wrong,'' she said, smiling. ``It is not unpleasant. It is not what I—or even May—wanted, but it does not feel like a bad thing. It is difficult, however, as some contexts remain confusing. You are one of those contexts, Ioan.'' + +Not knowing what to say to that, ey simply nodded, feeling the flush of warmth to eir cheeks. + +``Yes, see? Look at you.'' She laughed. ``It is complex for all of us. We are all hyper-aware of boundaries, not even wishing to test them. May is\ldots{}\emph{of} me, and now I am of her, so that boundary is smaller between us, perhaps, but we are all three very aware of \emph{your} boundaries.'' + +``You're telling me,'' ey said, smiling cautiously. ``Every time I think about it, I just wind up feeling super awkward and freeze up, so I have no clue as to how to even begin to approach it.'' + +\protect\hypertarget{cuddle}{}{}``Well, here. May I sit next to you? If it is awkward, then it is awkward. If we find a boundary, we will discuss it, but then at least we will know and quit fucking tiptoeing around the topic, yes?'' + +Ey stiffened, trying to cover a wave of anxiety with a chuckle. ``Uh\ldots well, sure.'' + +For all the confidence in her words, she looked as jittery as ey felt, if the bristle to her tail and cant to her ears was anything to go by. Ey wasn't quite sure what it was that had led her to this particular suggestion, but her expression was in flux—now curious, now eager, now anxious—so perhaps it was those three aspects of her searching for harmony. Still, she pushed herself up off the couch to pad over to the beanbag and settle down next to em. + +Or try to, at least. One does not simply sit next to someone else on a beanbag. The mechanics of an amorphous cushion had the skunk almost immediately slouching against eir side. She flailed as she over-corrected, nearly elbowing em in the stomach in the process. + +``Jesus\ldots you would think\ldots I would know how this works,'' she growled, pushing at the cushion to try and get herself organized. + +``Here, just-- Oh.'' Ey laughed as the skunk gave up and leaned forward with a groan, resting her elbows on her knees and her face in her paws. ``I'd call that pretty awkward, though I don't know if that's what you meant.'' + +``Not exactly, no,'' came her muffled voice. ``But I also feel dreadfully overwhelmed.'' + +Ey leaned away from her as best ey could to give her some space. ``Sorry, True Name.'' + +After a few slow breaths, she shook her head and slumped over to the side, draping herself across eir lap, face buried in her arms on in the beanbag on the other side of eir legs, a jumble of skunk. ``This is stupid, Ioan. This is stupid and it is awkward and it is confusing, just as expected,'' she grumbled. ``Pet my ears, please.'' + +``What? Oh.'' Ey hesitantly brushed fingers over her ears as ey'd done countless times before with May. Her fur felt exactly the same, her voice was very similar, and were it not for the difference in clothes, the slight changes in body shape, and the benefit of almost three decades of time spent living with May, ey could probably have confused one for the other. ``Too awkward?'' + +``I do not know. The closer to another I get, even in just simple proximity, the more May I become, so the greater part of me is simply pleased to be touched now that we are close, and by none other than you,'' she mumbled against the beanbag. ``But I am not her, so the rest of me is unsure of what to make of it. Completely baffled, even. Do I feel like her to you? We are cut from the same cloth, are we not? This ought to feel the same, yes? Does it?'' + +``Almost exactly,'' ey said, then laughed. ``And not at all.'' + +The skunk squirmed enough to get her tail off to the side and her face away from the fabric of the cushion, resting her chin on folded arms instead. ``That is where I am. It is not unpleasant, and I think I may even enjoy it once the confusion subsides, but I will forever be of three minds.'' + +``Right. I think I understand a little better.'' + +She nodded. ``It may yet be enough for Jonas, but even if not, I think that it will be enough for me. It is stupid and awkward, but-- no, do not stop,'' she interrupted herself, laughing, when ey pulled eir hand away. ``Awkward, but not bad.'' + +They fell into thought, then. Or at least ey did. Ey kept up the careful petting while trying to tease apart eir own feelings on the matter. It all felt too big, impossible to pin down. Even trying to define what True Name was now felt far above eir pay grade. Three at once, or one after the other? Parallel or serial? Both? And yet they'd lived wholly separate, concurrent lives prior to the merges. + +Doubtless there was some way ey could just approach this simply, could just share uncomplicated time with friends. Something about the Odists just made that feel inaccessible, though. All of them were so complex in such roundabout ways, and now True Name triply so. + +\emph{If only I could just turn off the overthinking part of me,} ey thought. Aloud, ey said, ``What do you think you'll do after all of this?'' + +The skunk started at the sound of eir voice. ``Sorry, dear. I must have dozed off. What was that?'' + +Ey smiled and ruffled a hand through the fur between her ears before petting it down again. ``What will you do after this stuff with Jonas? You mentioned the change would be enough for you, but what will that look like?'' + +``I will relax,'' she said, pushing herself slowly upright once more, slouching against eir side more intentionally, this time. ``I will perhaps have a good night's sleep. I will walk sims for days. I will go camping. I will pester you and May, if you two are not sick to death of me by then.'' + +``No, it's fine. A break while you're camping might be nice, but I don't imagine we'll kick you out forever and never see you again,'' ey said, laughing. ``And I hope you won't disappear.'' + +``I will not, you need not worry.'' She shrugged against eir shoulder. ``Beyond that, I do not know. I may write.'' + +``What sorts of things?'' + +``Perhaps a companion volume to your \emph{History}. Something from the inside, such as it were. I will have had three perspectives to draw upon without doing any interviews, yes?'' + +``That would've made life so much easier.'' + +``Why?'' she said, smirking up towards em. ``No shitty skunks getting you all worked up so that you yell at May?'' + +``I didn't yell at her!'' Ey shook eir head, laughing. ``I just called her manipulative.'' + +``Yes, yes, and you called me a crazy in-law.'' She patted eir thigh. ``But yes. I am most looking forward to just unclenching. I would like to travel and see friends and meet people.'' + +``Think you'll try and meet Douglas and see Debarre again, like May said?'' + +There was a long silence, the skunk's features drawn in in thought. ``I remain of three minds. A third of me would like to bask in more solitude than I already have. That me feels crowded and hemmed in. Another third of me is filled with touch-hunger and love for friends I have never met and would like to surround myself with all these people. That me is struggling with loneliness.'' + +``And the True Name third?'' + +She sighed, bringing her tail around to groom it absentmindedly. ``She is scared and unhappy and lost. She, of the three of me, is of two minds. Half of her would like to plan and scheme and wargame to rip that smug look off Jonas's face, and the other half would\ldots but, well, there has been enough quitting in the clade.'' + +Ey hesitated, unsure of what ey could possibly say to those thoughts, then put eir arm around her. Ey at least knew how to comfort the May portion of her, if nothing else. + +``But come, that is enough of that,'' she said decisively. ``Five sixths of me still want to rip that smug look off Jonas's face, so that sad-sack part of me can go have her sulk another time. I would also like to get out. I would like to go to restaurants again, yes, and even see one of your plays, should I be welcome. I want to eat greasy food and drink myself silly after performances. I want to hop sims and dream. New deadline: one month. I want out of here within one month.'' + +``You mean for the meeting with Jonas?'' + +``Yes. I will not schedule it with him yet, just pencil it in—I will exert my own power by giving him short notice—but having that deadline will only help.'' + +``Well, we'll help you get as ready as we can until then,'' ey said. ``And probably get ready ourselves. We'll need to tell End Waking, too.'' + +``Of course, dear,'' she said, then dotted her nose against eir cheek, one of those skunk-kisses ey'd grown so used to. + +They both froze. + +``Fuck. I am sorry, Ioan, a habit--'' + +``Well, that was--'' ey said at the same time, then shook eir head. ``Sorry, True Name. Wasn't expecting that.'' + +She pushed herself quickly to her feet and began pacing before the beanbag, paws brushing over her face, from whiskers all the way up over her ears. Ey would be hard pressed to describe just how, but some faint glimmer of that portion of her that was May visibly fled her expression and that which was True Name asserted dominance. ``Do not apologize. That crossed a boundary, and I need a moment.'' + +Ey frowned. ``It was unexpected, but I don't know if it crossed--'' + +``It crossed one of \emph{my} boundaries,'' she snapped, then forced herself to stand still and slow her breathing as she stared out into the night through the windows. ``I am sorry, Ioan. I did not mean to get snippy with you. As I said, it is awkward and confusing. I feel like I have been given control of some new, unwieldy machine and am only learning how to use it through trial and error.'' + +Ey nodded, tamping down the urge to apologize again. ``Take the space you need.'' + +Her shoulders slumped and identities once more warred in her expression. ``I would like nothing more than to disappear out on the plain, but I should probably stop just running away from such things.'' She smiled tiredly to em and held out a paw to help em stand. ``Come. The least we can do is make dinner. Then we can discuss it further when your partner returns.'' + +\begin{center}\rule{0.5\linewidth}{0.5pt}\end{center} + +May's response to the discussion of encroached boundaries, later that night when she'd returned, knocked both Ioan and True Name off-kilter. She laughed and tousled both eir hair and the fur atop True Name's head, saying, ``Well, took you long enough.'' + +``Wait, what?'' ey asked. + +``I have been placing bets with myself on how long it would take until it came up. Whichever part of me guessed `the minute I leave you two alone together' wins, I guess.'' + +True Name stared coolly at her. ``And here I was worried that you would blow up at me.'' + +``Of course not, my dear. If you are like me, then I, of all people, can guess the hows and whys.'' + +``It mattered quite a bit to me.'' + +``I do not mean to diminish that, True Name.'' She smiled and sat beside her, patting the skunk's paw. + +True Name sighed. ``Thank you, I do believe you, it is just\ldots a heap of complex feelings.'' + +``That much I believe. I want to understand better, though. How are you doing?'' + +``If I say `confused' one more time, I am going to lose my mind. I do not have a better word for it, though. I do not know how to feel about Ioan. I do not know how to feel about myself. I do not know how I feel about the touch. It was fine, I am sure, but I am starting to think that what is so jarring to me is that it was almost an automatic action.'' + +Ioan nodded. ``It felt a bit incongruous because it's a hundred percent something you would've done, May, but not the same context.'' + +``And perhaps that is why it feels fine to me: it is what I would do and so I would expect nothing less from someone with so much of me as part of them now. I would like you both to feel comfortable, of course, but I am more\ldots well, `concerned' is not quite the right word, but focused on the emotional side than you two just physically touching,'' May said, shrugging. ``Though I do appreciate you keeping me apprised. I trust you on that.'' + +``Well, thank you,'' True Name said, rubbing at her eyes, though whether out of exhaustion or to forestall tears, ey couldn't tell. ``The other thing we discussed, though, was setting a deadline of one month to get this shit with Jonas out of the way.'' + +May perked up. ``Are you feeling ready, then?'' + +She laughed, shaking her head. ``I do not think I ever will, but there is little that I can do to change that. I will change and he will do whatever the fuck he wants and I will do my best to wash my hands of it. Will you be ready?'' + +``Sure. I do not imagine my part in it will be big. Just be there to witness, perhaps lose an instance if he decides to go after us, too. Have you spoken with End Waking?'' + +``I sent him a simplex message,'' she said. ``I will ping again tomorrow if he has not replied.'' + +``If he has not had another tree fall on him,'' May grumbled. + +True Name winced. ``A truly unpleasant experience.'' + +``And you, Ioan?'' + +Ey shrugged. ``I've got my notes all in order. I don't want to do it at all, but I'm ready, I guess. Did you talk with Debarre about this?'' + +``No.~I\ldots well, he is not ready to engage, I think. I would like End Waking to bring it up with him, if possible. I have meddled a bit much of late.'' + +True Name smirked, leaned over and tugged at May's tail. ``You have, yes.'' + +May pulled her tail around to hug it protectively. ``I know. I am perhaps as struck by the need to help as Ioan.'' + +The conversation trailed off from there, Ioan and May cozying up and chatting via sensorium messages once True Name had started to doze, using May's thigh as a pillow. She caught em up on gossip from Debarre—one of his boyfriends visited and was, apparently, quite the looker—and ey accused her of leaving em for the weasel, as ey always did when she visited him. + +Eventually, even they fell to silence, and when May started to nod off as well, ey roused the two skunks. ``Come on, beds are comfier than couches.'' + +True Name nodded groggily and stood, swaying for a moment before gaining her balance once more. ``Thank you two for talking this evening.'' + +``Would you like to stay with us tonight?'' May asked. ``If you are this exhausted, I imagine you need it.'' + +She stood silent for a few moments, then nodded. ``If you are willing, yes. I am also happy to sleep out on the plain. Either would be good for me.'' + +``That is why I asked, yes.'' + +When May looked to em, ey sighed. ``Perhaps tomorrow? I need a night to think on things.'' + +True Name's face fell, but she bowed. ``Of course, dear.'' + +Ey reached out and gave her paw a squeeze. ``Thanks, True Name. Tomorrow.'' + +She smiled gratefully and, after a hug from May, made her way through her room and out to her tent on the plain, visible as a bobbing lantern moving through the grass. + +Ioan and May made their way to their own bed and once they were settled in, May asked, ``I do not want to push, my dear, but I would like to hear your thoughts if you need to think on things.'' + +Ey stretched out on eir back and stared up at the ceiling, letting May settle in against eir side to use eir shoulder as a pillow. ``As nerve-wracking as it was in the moment, I think I'm just\ldots over it. Maybe it's the fact that my introduction to your stanza was through you getting all cuddly that it just doesn't feel like a huge deal to me.'' Ey ducked eir chin to kiss atop her snout. ``Though obviously it's complicated, since that led to you and I getting together, but you're also just a cuddly person all around.'' + +She tucked her snout up under eir chin, rubbing it against eir jaw at the ticklish kiss. ``I am, at that. What do you mean by `over it', though?'' + +``I guess after a certain point, it just felt like the anxiety about touch was wildly out of proportion to whatever worries I had. We have other friends we get cozy with.'' Ey grinned, adding, ``She just about fell over when she tried to sit on the beanbag. Would've been funny if she hadn't also started panicking.'' + +``I think she is struggling with touch-hunger.'' + +``She said as much, yeah.'' Ey shrugged, then mumbled an apology for jostling her. ``I guess I'm just used to the fact that one just pets skunks.'' + +``That is just what one does,'' May asserted. ``And not, I will note, what you are doing right now.'' + +Ey laughed and ruffled a hand over her ears before petting the fur down again. ``Fine, fine. But that's what I mean, I guess. It's just how skunks are, in my experience. I'm sure some of it's my denseness around this sort of thing at play, but what made me anxious was her freaking out. She's done a pretty good job of taking our concerns to heart, but I hadn't picked up on her own anxieties until then. I'm over it, but she clearly isn't.'' + +``Well, perhaps all of our preparations only made her more anxious,'' May mumbled, chin dipped low as ey rubbed behind her ears. ``She still has all of those memories of solitude and professionalism, as well.'' + +Given what True Name had said in confidence, ey could certainly imagine a boundary around physicality being tested even in the slightest pushing the May portion of her back and letting that of End Waking or True Name come to the fore. Ey supposed, had they internalized that better beforehand, the conversation that had followed her spike in anxiety would have been different, and perhaps more productive. Ey could have spoken to her as ey might have spoken to True Name \emph{qua} True Name, rather than as ey might to May—even if that original version of her was, as she had said, dead. + +The context shift had just been so fast, though, and despite all the differences ey was primed to see between them, the two skunks still looked and sounded so much alike. Oh well. If it had been fast and confusing for em, doubtless such a shift would have been triply so for her. + +``My dear, I do not know if you intended to say that out loud,'' May said gently. ``May I respond to it?'' + +``Wait, what?'' Ey jolted, leading May to sit up, so ey joined her. ``Oh, damn. Uh\ldots well, when did I start?'' + +``A context shift between me and True Name.'' + +``Shit.'' Ey rubbed eir hands over eir face and groaned. ``Sorry, May. Uh, it was about something True Name shared in confidence.'' + +She frowned, nodded. ``I will not ask you to betray that, of course.'' + +``Maybe I'm more stressed than I'm giving myself credit for, if my mumbling's getting this bad.'' + +The skunk's expression softened and she leaned forward to touch her nose to eirs. ``I do not blame you. There is so much going on these days.'' + +Ey pressed eir nose to hers before leaning back and nodding. ``Right, and I feel like it's all super important all the time. Oh well. What were you going to say? If I can respond, I will.'' + +May shook her head, and nudged em to lay back down. ``No, it is okay. Whether or not you answer is probably too much information to share. I think we are both perhaps too stressed to continue, anyway.'' + +When she lay back down as well, ey wrapped eir arms around her and drew her in for a squeeze. ``Agreed,'' ey said, voice muffled by her soft fur. ``Maybe just focus on being cozy for a bit. Can you teach me how to go into screen-saver mode?'' + +She laughed and squirmed back against em. ``You are an enormous nerd and I love you a lot, Ionuț. I would, but you would just mumble more, I am sure.'' diff --git a/mitzvot/content/old/034.tex b/mitzvot/content/old/034.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..c2ac89c --- /dev/null +++ b/mitzvot/content/old/034.tex @@ -0,0 +1,301 @@ +\begin{center}\rule{0.5\linewidth}{0.5pt}\end{center} + +Ioan had never been one for bars. Ey knew that there was an enormous variety of them, that doubtless some would play to eir aesthetic and likes—the one at the base of the System Central Library came quite close—and that not all of them subscribed to the ``if it's louder, that means everyone's having more fun'' school of design. + +There was just something about the idea. Too much that took place in bars was, at best, confusing. At worst, it was distressing. Ey had no desire to be around the types of intoxication that bars seemed to attract. May had a list of types of drunkenness she'd gotten from somewhere, ey knew, and ey didn't like any of them. + +Still, this is where Jonas had requested that they meet when ey messaged him. + +The venue was of the sultry, dark, wood-paneled variety, with warm, dim lamps hanging pendant over each of the tables and a row of lights above the bar itself. Conversations were kept low by the dimness, with groups of three or four huddled in booths while those at the bar drank alone. + +Doubtless Jonas knew of eir distaste. Doubtless this had factored into his decision on venue for this pre-meeting meeting. + +Ah well, at least it wasn't a club. + +Ey stopped by the bar to get a cider of some sort—something sweet, ey hoped; ey didn't know the first thing about ciders—and hunted down an empty booth. The backs of the benches were straight and high, reaching up to the ceiling, leading to a secluded, if not particularly comfortable, space. There, ey sat and sipped eir way slowly through eir cider, waiting for Jonas. + +Ey'd shown up, notebook in hand, half an hour early and was half expecting Jonas to be late, sauntering in lazily at quarter past, a way of pressing the dynamic between them, but he arrived right on time, picked up a drink from the bar, and hunted Ioan down. Ey stood to bow to Jonas, then froze. Zacharias stepped into the sim, as well, grinned widely at the sight of Ioan mid-bow. Before even making his way to the table, the fox gave an exaggerated curtsey. + +``Ioan, wonderful to see you again,'' Jonas said, grinning. ``My most foppish lackey decided to tag along, I trust you won't mind.'' + +``Of course,'' ey said through gritted teeth. ``The more the merrier.'' + +``Precisely, precisely.'' Jonas raised his martini glass in a toast and gestured back to the booth and Ioan's half-finished drink. ``Shall we?'' + +Ey nodded and slid back into the booth while Jonas scooted in on the other side of the table, leaving room for Zacharias. + +The fox was only a moment in arriving, showing up with some shockingly yellow drink in a coupe glass. ``Ioan, my dear. Wonderful to see you again.'' + +``Please don't call me `my dear','' ey said, setting up a cone of silence. There was anger, there, somewhere beneath the surface, but ey was somewhat surprised to feel it almost completely overridden by exhaustion, something ey hadn't felt before the two had arrived. + +``My love? My--'' he began, voice mocking. There was a thump beneath the table and he quickly cut off with a loud yelp, jolting away from Jonas, eyes wide. + +``Shut up, Zacharias,'' Jonas said mildly, plucking the maraschino cherry out of his drink and dropping it in the fox's. ``Business now, prattle later.'' + +Zacharias sat, frozen, for a moment longer before wiping up some of his spilled drink with a bar napkin. His eyes were still wide, darting between Ioan and his boss. ``Right.'' + +\emph{Another show of power, most likely,} ey thought. \emph{Why else bring him with?} + +``So,'' ey said aloud. ``As I said in the message, We'd like to meet in two days' time. Systime 251+139, 11:00.'' + +Mid-sip, Jonas waved his hand vaguely. ``Of course, of course,'' he said, setting his glass back down. ``Whenever you're ready, like I said. But come, how are you Ioan? You look tired.'' + +Ey stared at him, trying to piece together how worth it was to actually answer the question. Ey \emph{was} tired, yes. The night before had been a stressful one once ey'd received the request for this additional meeting from Jonas. True Name stayed up late in conversation with both May and End Waking about some clade business ey'd not been privy to, leading to em pacing in the darkened yard for nearly an hour, spring lilacs leaving the air almost too thick to breathe. Ey'd eventually given up on waiting for the skunks. Ey knew if ey stayed up any later, ey'd simply wind up standing at the windows and watching their fire out on the plain. + +\emph{``I think I'm going to head to bed,''} ey had sent May. \emph{``I'm just going to keep cycling if I stay up.''} + +There was a hint of a whine to her reply. \emph{``I am sorry, Ioan, I did not realize how late it had gotten. Do you want me to send a fork back?''} + +\emph{``I don't know, will they be intolerable and antsy?''} + +\emph{``Oh, absolutely,''} she had replied, and ey could hear the grin in her voice. \emph{``But I will still send one if you would like.''} + +\emph{``No, it's alright. Just no sleeping out there, okay?''} + +\emph{``Of course. We will return soon.''} + +It was nearly two hours later when the skunks had returned as promised. Two hours of tossing and turning in bed, fretting and fretting and fretting. Eventually, they had fallen into their usual positions, though despite the added rest that this usually brought True Name, none of them had slept well. + +When there was no wink and smile from Jonas, ey let eir shoulders sag and nodded. ``Tired, yeah. We're all tired. Just want this over with.'' + +``And True Name? How's she?'' he asked, still apparently sincere. + +``Look, Jonas, what are you after? We're tired. She's upset. We just want to get on with our lives, and it's all on you.'' + +``Well, sure, but now my workload's doubled,'' he said, and there at last was the wink. ``Though in all seriousness, I'm just trying to gauge what to expect. May Then My Name and End Waking will be there, too, right?'' + +``Yes,'' ey said coolly, adding to Zacharias, ``Will you?'' + +``Would not miss it for the world,'' the fox said. His ebullience was notably restrained, still, but the grin had returned. He tapped the side of his snout, ``Cartoonishly evil, remember?'' + +\emph{I liked you better when Jonas was stomping on your toes,} ey thought. + +``So you said,'' ey said aloud. + +``And how is May Then My Name?'' Zacharias asked. ``I know precious little about my down-tree instance, you know. I trust that she is well?'' + +``She is also upset.'' + +The fox gasped, mock-effrontery filling his voice. ``Not because of me!'' + +``It has been a stressful few months. She doesn't want True Name coming to any harm, either.'' + +Zacharias scoffed. + +Ey put on eir best smile. ``Though yes, she told me that she knew there were still old forks around, but that she'd left them to their own devices and knew nothing about them, so she's surprised to have met you.'' + +``How very diplomatic,'' he replied, grinning. ``Well, I can assure you that the pleasure was all mine.'' + +``So why am I here?'' + +Jonas shrugged. ``You mean aside from the fact that I get to see your face when you talk about your skunks? It's fun dragging people around.'' + +Restraining the urge to bridle at `your skunks', ey gave a hint of a bow. ``And what can you tell me about this meeting? I imagine you've got some grand plans about surprising True Name with your ideas for the future, but if nothing else, it'd help me to know what I'm getting into before I get into it.'' + +``Oh, excellent question!'' + +Ey posted the cap of eir pen and nodded for Jonas to continue. + +``I said it was an excellent question, not that I'd answer you, Ioan.'' + +``I think you will.'' + +``And why's that?'' + +``Because you love to hear yourself talk,'' ey said. ``And because Zacharias is right. This is almost cartoonishly evil, and villains love talking about their grand schemes. I'm ready for your monologue.'' + +Jonas raised his eyebrows and a slow grin spread over his features. That feverish glint ey'd seen last time shone through for a moment before it was suppressed again. The idea that Jonas might be losing it made em anxious. \emph{Stretched too thin, maybe?} + +``You see, this is why I like you, Ioan,'' Jonas said. ``The whole Bălan clade, that is. You hit that sweet spot between patient and impatient where you can stay calm, but you don't just wait forever.'' + +Ey waited. + +``Alright then, a bit of a preview.'' He finished half of his drink in a few swallows. ``There's a bunch of changes coming in the pipeline--'' + +``This AVEC?'' + +Zacharias frowned, but Jonas was already nodding, ``Got it in one. That's right at the top of the list. See, the LVs are too far away to communicate effectively with phys-side, getting further every day, and that puts us in a unique position, here. Suddenly, we differ from the LVs in a fundamental way. I really can't overstate how big of a deal this is, Ioan.'' + +``Suddenly we have to prove our greener grass to those phys-side.'' + +``Right. The direction that we need to take with Lagrange can't just be the same old one we've been taking before. In this, True Name and I differ.'' He shrugged, rocking his glass gently back and forth on the table before taking another sip. ``She wanted to continue on her path of subtlety, I disagreed.'' + +Ey snorted. ``Disagreed? You tried to assassinate her, Jonas.'' + +``What are bullets but a disagreement?'' + +Ioan rolled eir eyes. + +``You and I disagree, then. It's like I said, though, sometimes mommies and daddies fight, Ioan. We've spent the past few years trying to hash it out. For all her focus on subtlety in guiding the System, she can be a real bitch when it comes to trying to get her point across.'' + +``Bullshit,'' ey said flatly. + +Jonas laughed. ``Oh?'' + +``Yeah. A few reasons.'' Ey started ticking off points on eir fingers as ey spoke. ``First, True Name didn't start down this path in the last few years that we've been learning from Artemis; she was a mess when she first got in touch with us with Codrin\#Castor's first letter during convergence, so things were already in motion then. Second, The Guiding Council on Pollux is almost two decades old now, predating the arrival of the Artemisians by years, and I think that's because third, you--'' Ey nodded to Zacharias. ``--apparently dropped everything on her across all three Systems at the same time not that long after the launch. You two got more openly together on Pollux, and as far as Codrin\#Castor can find in the perisystem, you quit shortly after telling her there. End Waking thinks—and I agree—you're trying to push each of the Systems in a different direction politically. Maybe you think having different political environments is more stable across societies separated by distance and time. Maybe it's some giant experiment. Who knows. It's your long game.'' + +The longer ey spoke, the more serious Jonas's expression grew, and by the time ey finished, he'd leaned back in his seat. ``Well then,'' he said. ``I suppose I don't have much more to add, then, do I? I have my conversation with True Name cut out for me.'' + +``And what conversation is that?'' + +Jonas was back to grinning. ``Oh, fuck off, Ioan. I'm not going to tell you all of my secrets! We have our shit to work through and you have to be a good little clerk and take all of your notes so that you can come back to me with a story to publish. That'll seal the deal, and we'll be ready to go our separate ways.'' + +Ey gave a hint of a bow. ``As you say. It's settled, then, right? Two days, 11:00?'' + +``That it is. Bring your pen and paper,'' Jonas said, lifting his glass in a final toast before downing his drink in one go. + +``Right.'' + +Ey didn't hear if there was a reply or not. Ey simply quit. \#Tracker could take care of the rest. + +Ioan\#Tracker set eir pen down with exaggerated care, closing eir notebook, then eir eyes. This was anger in so many ways, though it differed from that hot, spiky shape spinning within em that came with Zacharias's bullshit. It was a pressure within eir chest, a tension in eir shoulders, a pounding in eir head. + +``\emph{Fuck!}'' ey shouted. Ey fell back into the paced breathing exercises that Sarah had showed em years ago. It had originally been in the context of helping May, at the time, but ey needed anything ey could get, now. + +``\emph{I take it you are back, then?}'' May's words over the sensorium message were tentative, anxious. Clearly tension was still high. + +``\emph{Yes. I'm coming outside,}'' ey replied. + +Ey didn't wait for the ping of acknowledgement. Even if they weren't ready for em to be out there, ey needed to talk at least a little, get some of the weight of the conversation off eir shoulders. Ey needed to be around eir partner and friends. Ey needed to be out of that context, away from pens and paper and books and work. + +The afternoon was settling into evening, and the plain was littered with dozens of skunks. As ey walked toward True Name's tent, though, they began to quit in small groups until it was just the three root instances kneeling around a small fire, over which they were roasting sausages. + +After bowing to End Waking and getting eir hug and skunk-kiss from both May and True Name, ey sat cross-legged between them. Once ey'd gathered emself, ey said, ``That was a whole lot of bullshit. How far off is food?'' + +End Waking used the tip of his knife to nudge at a few of the sausages, turning them over on the grill cantilevered over the fire. ``Not long. Would you prefer to wait to share, then?'' + +``Yeah. Maybe if I have food in me, I won't shout.'' + +``That was quite loud, my dear,'' May said, claiming one of eir hands to hold. ``I am glad you did not die.'' + +Dinner was quiet, but not unpleasant. Gentle wind through the grass, the crackling of the fire and the spit of grease from the sausages, the gamy tang of ground venison tempered with barley and herbs. + +``Did he wind you up that badly?'' May asked once they'd finished. + +``Well, yes and no. He and Zacharias were both there.'' + +Both May and True Name flinched at the name, True Name's shoulders slumping. ``So, yes. Winding you up.'' + +Ey nodded. ``I'd guessed that much, at least. I think the whole meeting was a form of that. He even admitted such, saying that he set it up mostly so that he could `drag me around'. I called him on it.'' + +``I do not imagine that did any good,'' End Waking mumbled. + +``Oh, not at all. The thing is, it wasn't just winding me up, though. I also think he just wanted to hear himself talk. I think he wanted to talk about all his plans because he knows his words are going to wind up in whatever I write, so he wants to get all that he can in there.'' + +``And worded as he would like,'' True Name said, nodding. ``No matter what we manage to come up with, he wants to ensure that the narrative has him coming out on top.'' + +``I still don't understand, though,'' ey said. ``Why be so transparently villainous if he's specifically having me write something to be read by the public?'' + +``The same reason I wound you and Codrin up. If it is just a little too sensational to be real, then he can get away with more than he might otherwise. Jonas assassinating True Name? True Name who probably assassinated Qoheleth? It is just too much to be real, but it sure is good reading, is it not?'' + +``Makes me feel like something of a punching bag,'' ey said, then sighed. ``I think I'm starting to understand what Codrin\#Castor was talking about in terms of getting yanked around a bit better.'' + +True Name winced and averted her gaze. ``I am sorry, Mx. Bălan.'' + +``Shit, I'm sorry.'' Ey reached over to give the skunk's paw a squeeze. ``That was a different time, I'm not trying to put that on you now.'' + +She patted the back of eir hand with her other paw, a somewhat stiff gesture, and, as always when the topic of strife in the past came up, ey could sense more of End Waking in her than True Name or May. ``Thank you, Ioan. I do appreciate it. It is an unfortunate reality that politics is the science of yanking people around. Add in being an actor, and, well,'' she said, then shrugged. + +``I understand, yeah.'' Ey retrieved eir hand, choosing instead to gently tug May closer. She leaned against eir side gratefully. ``Do you have a plan you think might work out, then? You don't have to tell me, I know you're keeping it amongst yourselves.'' + +End Waking nodded. ``There is a good chance of it working, yes. Not a perfect chance, and there are many possible holes that he may exploit in the moment.'' + +True Name nodded. ``If nothing else, I think that it will buy me a quiet retirement.'' + +``A quiet retirement alive is still good, right? It'll be a life,'' ey said. + +``It may not be an ideal life, but it will be a life, yes.'' + +``And hopefully still a good one, in the end,'' May added. + +``Yes. If I am honest, a less than ideal but still good life is far more than I had in front of me even before all of this nonsense.'' She smiled wryly. ``Perhaps I ought to thank him for that. I am not unhappy with what I have now, even.'' + +The conversation wound down from there, and as evening dimmed into night, they fell into silence. The fire was kept low, only enough light and warmth to keep the dark at bay. + +Eventually, with eir lower back hurting and May starting to nod off, they made their goodnights. True Name gave em and May each a hug around the shoulders and a nose-dot to the cheek—something they'd all grown more comfortable with over the last few weeks—and padded off to her tent. End Waking stated that he was going to watch the fire for a while longer and then head to bed himself—he'd set up a tent of his own a ways off from True Name's for this fork to sleep in—leaving May and Ioan to walk back to the house together in the dark. + +``I'm happy to hear her talking about a future,'' Ioan said, once they'd cleaned up and made their way to bed, em slouched against the headboard and May in eir lap, slouched against eir front in turn. + +``I am too, yes. I am pleased that other than a few short fits, she has been at worst determined, and at best hopeful.'' + +Ey nodded and tucked eir chin up over the skunk's head. ``I think that's where I am, yeah. I want this over with, and sometimes it even feels like this might even be the best outcome for everyone.'' + +``For everyone?'' + +``Well, Jonas gets what he wants and he can go play his games elsewhere, End Waking gets his feelings understood, and True Name gets to go live a life doing whatever it is she wants, right?'' + +She nodded. ``And what of us?'' + +Ey chuckled, the sound somewhat muffled by the position. ``Well, I'll be happy for her, and you and I will continue being disgustingly adorable or whatever it is she accuses us of being.'' + +May laughed. ``Well, yes. I will be happy for her and will continue loving you.'' + +``Love you too, May.'' + +``See? Gross.'' She giggled and hugged tighter around eir middle. ``Will you let her continue to live here?'' + +Shrugging carefully, ey murmured, ``It'll be a conversation between the three of us. I've gotten used to it, so I'm happy to have her stick around if she wants.'' + +``Same,'' the skunk said. ``It is not perfect, but nothing that cannot be fixed by modifying the sim and nailing down some boundaries.'' + +``I'm looking forward to getting in touch with Serene, yeah.'' Ey hesitated, then asked gently, ``Are there boundaries she's crossed?'' + +``No, I do not think so, but it might be nice to understand the shape of our friendships when we are not waiting on some potentially life-or-death event.'' + +``I still get tripped up over you even calling her a friend,'' ey said, grinning. ``If she'd needed to move in even a year ago, I think you would've ripped her head off two days in.'' + +May laughed and lifted her snout to nudge at eir chin firmly. ``Would not. I would have been impossible to live with, though. Whining and bitching and stress-shedding everywhere.'' + +``Oh, so like normal, then.'' + +She sat up in eir lap and poked em in the chest with a dull claw. ``Rude.'' + +Ey grinned. ``Well, okay, not stress-shedding, just normal shedding.'' + +She scrubbed a paw at her flank until she came up with a little bit of shed fur to sprinkle over eir front. ``Yes, yes. But I can say the same for you, my dear. A year ago, I do not think I could have pictured her giving you a goodnight kiss.'' + +Covering for the heat rising to eir cheeks by brushing the errant fur off eir front, ey shrugged. ``That's on you. I'm used to skunks being all touchy.'' + +``Yes, but True Name?'' + +``I'm not sure she's that anymore,'' ey said carefully. ``So I guess you're right. I couldn't imagine the True Name of a year ago giving goodnight kisses to anyone, much less you and me.'' + +She grinned, nodding. ``Agreed, yes. And you are okay with it?'' + +Ey shrugged. ``Like I said, I'm used to it. It occasionally strikes me as incredibly strange. Even just talking about it now feels weird. There's this whole, dramatic plot to take out one of the most prominent people on the System, and here we are, talking about goodnight kisses.'' + +``It is not that weird. It is an artifact of our lives. Death has a different flavor to it when we fork and quit on a whim, living for centuries at a time.'' She set to work brushing her fingers through eir hair. Weird to be petted, but it felt good, so ey never stopped her. She continued, ``Which is not to say that it is not important and anxiety inducing to have almost lost one's life, just that, with a modicum of care, she \emph{can} continue living, if in a restricted fashion, even if she were to miss the deadline. With less fear of death comes greater love.'' + +Eyes closed and chin tucked nearly to eir chest, ey hummed thoughtfully. ``I suppose, yeah. I didn't have much life outside the System that I can compare, never mind love.'' + +May giggled. ``I was not speaking of romance, my dear.'' + +Ey snorted, shaking eir head. ``Neither was I, you nut. I just meant Rareș and my parents.'' + +``Well, touché. We do not have very good language around love, in my defense.'' She ruffled eir hair and ey could hear the smirk in her voice as she said, ``Not that that will ever stop me from teasing you about falling in love with her.'' + +Ey laughed and poked at her side a few times, hunting for that ticklish spot. ``Who's rude now, hmm?'' + +Giggling helplessly, May squirmed until she tipped off eir lap, curling protectively into a ball. ``It is just so easy, Ionuț, do not blame me!'' + +``I know, I know, and it's your job as an Odist to fuck with me, \emph{et cetera, et cetera},'' ey said, slipping down into bed alongside the skunk, getting eir arms around her. ``I like her, but\ldots well, whatever. It's complicated.'' + +She twisted in eir arms and wormed her way back against em, shaking her head. ``No, you cannot just leave it at that. You have further thoughts and I want to hear.'' + +``Further ammo for teasing, you mean.'' + +``Well, yes, but I do still want to hear.'' + +Ey sighed. ``Fine. I just\ldots well, I guess I'm sort of in the same boat as her, in that it's something I can picture, even if I can't understand it. She's so much like you—in terms of looks and voice and now personality from the merge—that I can imagine what that'd be like, and both she and End Waking are my friends, so there's that, too. But the context of her being True Name makes it hard to picture the\ldots I don't know. Process?'' + +``The concept versus the mechanics, maybe?'' + +``Yeah, I think so.'' Ey grinned and kissed the back of one of her ears. ``But that's about as far as I get thinking about it before I'm distracted by this or that.'' + +``Organizing your pen collection is usually what I accuse you of,'' she said. + +``Mmhm. I guess it's the same as when you and I got together. I could kind of picture it, but had no clue beyond that.'' + +She hugged eir arm to her front and nodded. ``Well, whatever happens, happens. We will talk about it.'' + +``Another time,'' ey mumbled, pushing eir face into her soft fur, coarser guard hairs tickling eir cheeks. ``I can't imagine I'm going to be able to sleep tomorrow night, so we might as well get some tonight.'' diff --git a/mitzvot/content/old/035.tex b/mitzvot/content/old/035.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..edd504e --- /dev/null +++ b/mitzvot/content/old/035.tex @@ -0,0 +1,483 @@ +\begin{center}\rule{0.5\linewidth}{0.5pt}\end{center} + +``I cannot help but feel that I am walking into my own execution tomorrow,'' True Name admitted. ``I know that I am leaving behind a fork, that I will not be completely destroyed, but that does not wholly negate the sense of impending death.'' + +Ioan and May both nodded. + +``Is it just the finality of it all?'' May asked. + +``Perhaps. Perhaps it is just the inability to predict beyond that point. I am coming up to a corner I have never seen around, and whatever predictive powers I may have fail me.'' + +Ioan could at least understand the worries about heading into the unknown. The same feeling had been dogging em since after eir meeting with Jonas, since ey'd seen that cool look on his face when ey'd apparently preempted so much of the upcoming meeting's discussion. One minute, that would feel like a good thing—perhaps they would make it through essentially unscathed—and the next ey'd worry that ey'd made a complete mistake, that ey'd somehow tipped their hand by letting Jonas know just how predictable he was. + +Neither True Name nor May could say one way or another when ey'd voiced eir concerns with them. + +The whole day had been scattered for them. May spent much of it glued to eir side as ey did eir best to organize eir notes in eir head for the upcoming meeting. She couldn't seem to pin herself down to one set of feelings, first laughing and joking about beating Zacharias up, then burying her face against eir shoulder and refusing to speak, ears laid flat. + +For her part, True Name couldn't seem to stay pinned to any one of her three identities. + +Ey was at least getting more adept at spotting them in her features. There was a bright focus when that of True Name—the old True Name, that was—came to the fore. Her expression would become attentive, defaulting to a slight smile and eyebrows (such as they were on a skunk's features) just slightly raised. When that of End Waking showed itself in her, she'd keep her eyes half-lidded, and her gaze was far more attuned to any movement. The rest of her own movements would still, as well. She would walk quieter, more gracefully. She would speak less. + +And when that of May came to the fore, that was when ey was at eir most confused. + +Ey had had no idea how to feel about her back when she was just True Name. Had ey really been so hesitant to call her a friend? Memories tattled on em, there: ey'd shied away from the term or qualified it every time it arose. That had only loosened up when her life was at risk, when she'd been forced to move in with them, and ey'd been forced in turn to acknowledge that her words, \emph{I suppose it is just nice to have a friend}, had stuck with em more than ey'd cared to admit. The rest of that conversation had been full of equivocations, clarifications, delineations, and all those habits of guardedness from two decades of wariness over anything that carried a whiff of manipulation had tried to assert themselves over em once more. + +But no, there was something about the Ode clade that just happened to click with the Bălan clade, no matter what form or name they took, that just fell directly into friendship. It was the way they spoke, perhaps. Those complete sentences that left em uncoiling parts of emself ey hadn't known were coiled in the first place. + +Ey didn't know what it was that they saw in em in turn. There was the unspoken matter of the pronouns of the owner of the Name, and, as May had once whispered to em late one night, eir tendency to lean on rumination, on quietness and exactitude, that reminded her of someone she refused to name. Were they so alike, em and whoever had touched Michelle Hadje so long ago? Had ey and Michelle been contemporaries phys-side, would they have wound up in a relationship? Ey had no clue how to ask such a thing of them. + +All ey knew is that, as Codrin had put it in a letter, ``The Odists love hard and they love deep and they love fast, and it's hard not to become intoxicated beneath all that love.'' + +So, what was ey to do when that of eir partner, of the one ey loved most in the world, shone through in someone else? When that of May rose to prominence in True Name's expression, she was not May. She wasn't May at all. She was of three minds, and none of them were wholly absent whenever one asserted primacy. + +And yet there it was, all that drew em towards May, even if it wasn't her, right in front of em. What was ey to do with that? + +That ey didn't know, that ey hadn't the language, kept em from speaking of it with True Name just yet. It wasn't out of any need to hide, not out of any embarrassment—though ey'd freely admit to eir shyness—that ey kept it from her. Ey just didn't know how to say that, when she seemed most like May, ey was at eir most confused without turning it into a series of questions and I-don't-knows. + +The one time ey'd brought it up with May, the idea still as yet unseasoned, she had done as she ever would, and teased em gently about `falling in love with her' and then settled into a series of gently probing questions, trying to tease out things that ey already knew but did not yet have the words for. + +It hadn't gone anywhere. Ey'd eventually had to put the conversation on hold out of a combination of stress and the feeling that ey ought to keep True Name's discussion on her newfound multiplicity in the face of May's desire for some more complete unity to emself. + +So they did what they could to prepare or relax for the rest of that last day. True Name walked her prairie several times over, then came in and sat close by, then busied herself up in her head. May clung to em. Ey sorted notes. + +There was no discussion whether or not she would be staying with them that night. The three of them simply wound up in eir and May's bed, sitting or kneeling on the soft mattress while they did their best to talk about little nothings. Ioan tried to explain Romanian curses to them. May and True Name spoke earnestly about a movie ey'd never heard of. And under it all, an ever-rising current of stress lay, slowly taking over their words until they couldn't speak any longer, could only curl beneath the covers, sharing some more fundamental comfort. + +Surprising all three of them, they did manage to get at least some sleep that night. It wasn't \emph{good} sleep, as, at one point or another, each of them woke with a start, but they managed a few hours of dozing. + +Once the sky began to lighten, though, they pulled themselves blearily out of bed, Ioan making four mugs of coffee—two black, two sweet and milky—so that they could troop back out onto the plain and wake End Waking up—or, as it turned out, greet him at the small fire he'd started—and offer him a cup. + +``There is no more rehearsing to be done,'' he said, once they'd shed some of their grogginess. ``We risk practice making permanent, at this point. All we can do is hope to remain as centered as possible throughout.'' + +Both of the other skunks nodded, and Ioan had to quell eir instinct to disagree. They were too tired, too keyed up, too quick to overanalyse to get anything out of forking across the prairie to wargame however many countless scenarios. Better for the four of them to sit around the low fire, sip their coffee, and watch the sun rise, May slouched against eir side and True Name and End Waking sitting apart, silent. + +Eventually, however, coffee long gone, they forked. End Waking and True Name's down-tree instances each went to their tents to sit and meditate as best they could, while May and Ioan's down-tree instances returned home to try baking a cake—something demanding enough while still remaining relatively mindless. + +The only words they spoke to each other was May saying, ``Good luck, have fun, and do not die.'' + +The four forks held hands and paws and, with nothing other than a shared, shaky breath, stepped from the sim. + +End Waking immediately flinched, crouched. They found themselves in a boardroom. A large plain of a table, notepads and pens, a second table huddling against the wall with a pitcher of water and a stack of too-small glasses. + +And yet it still felt too small—even to Ioan, who spent more of eir life inside than unbound in a forest, the ceiling was just a few inches too low, the chairs just a few inches too close to the walls. Too small, and yet too long. There was room for a table half again as long, and yet the table was set in one end of the room, leaving the other end unbalanced, empty other than a wheeled whiteboard. End Waking, who hadn't been indoors, never mind in a room too small, in nigh on a century, looked on the verge of panic. His eyes were wide, tail hiked and bristled, paws clenched in a way that reminded em of May. + +``I do not know if I can--'' + +May squeezed his paw tightly. ``You do not need to keep these memories, skunk, but you cannot leave.'' She added in a near whisper, ``Please do not leave me.'' + +His nod was jerky, distracted, but still a nod. + +And yet, the room was empty. \emph{Perfect time to pull the late-to-the-meeting power move.} + +Sure enough, 11:00 rolled around, no Jonas. + +It wasn't until nearly ten after that the door swung lazily open and Jonas strolled in, followed by Zacharias and the rest of the eighth stanza—\emph{no, Zacharias is part of that, too,} ey thought. \emph{There's only Odists, Jonas, and me here.} + +``True Name! Delighted to see you, delighted,'' Jonas said, grinning widely and giving the barest hint of a bow. + +The skunk had apparently amped up all that she could of her old self, as her smile was earnest and wide, and her bow the perfect mix of polite and friendly. ``Glad you could make it, my dear. I trust you have been well?'' + +He shifted smoothly to accommodate this response. ``Quite well, quite well. Feels like it's been a bit of a vacation for the both of us, eh? You enjoy a bit of time off at the lake?'' + +That grin of hers widened, and she nodded. ``Quite a bit, actually. We never quite got to roasting marshmallows, but it is really hard to go wrong with potatoes roasted in the embers. They get a little smoky, even the insides.'' + +End Waking stared at True Name as though she was an Artemisian, suddenly having made their way across the light-days back to Lagrange. Hell, Ioan was staring at her like she was an alien. So quickly and smoothly had her anxiety been transmuted into this calm, friendly social efficiency that it was as though the last months had been erased from her features. + +There was some other conversation going on here, ey realized. It wasn't just that they were talking pleasantries before a meeting, but that there was an exchange of information that took place on some subtler plane of existence. They were feeling each other out, listening to tone of voice more than the content of words, watching features and postures rather than seeing an old friend. There was some deeper level of communication that ey simply couldn't latch onto. + +With that in mind, ey could at least do eir best to focus on the less direct forms of language around the room. + +True Name had talked em through the stanza and their roles beforehand, at least. She herself had been focused on the politics, of course, but also acted as consensus builder among the members of her stanza. + +Ey knew well that May had been focused on swaying individual hearts and minds toward a cause that initially had been True Name's, and then later simply shaped by her as best as could be managed. + +End Waking had been instrumental in tracking, understanding, and to whatever level possible, influencing financial markets phys-side, though he'd admitted to Ioan, one night out on the plain, that the chances that he'd actually had a dramatic effect on the markets was astoundingly low and that the financial trajectory had likely been set by forces larger than they could manage—at least, that was the hope that had kept him going. + +Ey knew the two 'Why's from the history: Why Ask Questions, Here At The End Of All Things was the frightfully friendly crowd-rouser who had worked with groups of individuals sys-side, while Why Ask Questions When The Answers Will Not Help had focused on similar tactics phys-side. However, given that her task was limited to text, she seemed notably out of her element in in-person interactions, coming off as petty and cruel as often as funny and sarcastic. + +The Only Time I Dream Is When I Need An Answer had acted as a manager, scheduler, and clerk for the enterprise. Wickedly intelligent, she had done more than block in times for meetings; she had organized meetings between precisely the right individuals at precisely the right times. + +To Know One's True Name Is To Know God had settled comfortably into data analysis, collecting both the raw data that she could from the perisystem feeds and the net phys-side as well as the information collected by her cocladists and the Jonases. She was a being of reports. + +To Know God Is To Answer Unasked Questions had done her best to specialize in the fields of information and game theory, but this had more often come down to simple information security and hygiene. She decided where and how far information traveled. + +Do I Know God When I Do Not Remember Myself and Do I Know God When I Do Not Dream worked as a mismatched pair. When I Do Not Remember worked as a propagandist while When I Do Not Dream worked almost entirely on the perisystem, translating back and forth for her cocladists and finding the best way to worm her way through the inter- and intrasystem text channels. + +Were ey pressed to name each of them without knowing this information, ey didn't think ey'd be able to. Ey knew the three skunks of the stanza and could readily tell them apart, but the rest simply looked like a gaggle of the very same woman: short, soft, round face and curly black hair. However, there were indeed differences there to be seen. Why Ask Questions was just a centimeter or two taller and more open of expression. When I Do Not Remember and When I Do Not Dream both had a hunch to their shoulders that ey could not quite explain; perhaps a posture that stuck after too much writing. + +As it was, ey did eir best to guess, and when introductions made their way around the table, ey found eir guesses to be correct in each case. + +At last, the parade of bows and greetings out of the way, each of the thirteen—counting em, Jonas, and Zacharias—pulled out a chair and sat down, though ey noted that End Waking didn't sit so much as hover on the very edge of his seat. He still looked wide-eyed, feral. + +``Aaalright,'' Jonas said, plopping his hands, palm down, on the table. ``To business. I'm pleased to see you're alive, but can't say that I'm pleased to see you're about.'' + +``I imagine not, no,'' True Name replied, folding her paws on the table before her. ``From what Ioan says, you know the general facts of what I know. There has been a long-running plan, perhaps mostly operating as a back-up, to shift one or more of me to the side depending on the status of the System. This revolved around the use of Zacharias as a tool to shape my responses while incomplete information kept me from recognizing this. Tell me, though. Are you still leaning on the multiple-Systems-multiple-governments strategy?'' + +Jonas nodded. ``Yes. Oligarchy on Pollux, \emph{status quo} on Castor, and invisible monarchy here on Lagrange.'' + +``You believe that this tripod will be the most stable political structure?'' + +``I know you don't agree, but it's not a tripod, True Name. By this point, the three Systems are so far apart that they are no longer three branches of the same government. They're three countries, and three countries with identical governments yet divergent societies are unstable.'' + +True Name made that setting-aside gesture, as though tabling the topic for the moment. ``And you,'' she said, nodding to Zacharias. Her expression was calm, curious, interested. ``You have been working on this with Jonas since around systime 36?'' + +``Oh, thereabouts,'' he said, grinning. ``Though if I am honest, I have always been working with the two of you. It is not that your own goals had no effect on me, my little stink bug. I played Jonas as much as I played you, and I played my own game when I could.'' + +``Bullshit,'' True Name said calmly, turning back to Jonas. ``And so what is it that--'' + +``Oh, fuck you,'' Zacharias laughed. ``You do not get to dismiss me so easily. You and I rule together, quite literally, in another life. There is no reason that I should simply be waved away.'' + +``Nah, it's bullshit,'' Jonas said, just as calm as True Name. ``If you were worth anything to this conversation, you would've been part of the preparations.'' + +``What--'' + +``You say that you are part of the stanza, do you not?'' The Only Time I Dream, the manager of the enterprise, said. + +``I am, but--'' + +``I see no evidence of such.'' + +``But May Then My Name--'' + +``May Then My Name, do you claim Zacharias as yours?'' + +She shrugged. ``Claim? No.~I do not know this Zacharias.'' + +``That is--'' + +Jonas laughed, ``Just shut up, Zacharias.'' + +``No,'' the fox growled, his whiskers all abristle and claws digging at the tabletop. ``I played my role, but that does not mean that I am some disposable Judas here. A role is as much the actor as it is-- \emph{stop!}'' + +There was a loud thump beneath the table, though this time, Zacharias appeared to have pulled his foot away in time to keep his toes from being stomped on. Instead, he pushed himself away from the table and to his feet. A brief flicker of ungrounded rage flashed across Jonas's face, but was quickly replaced by that bright, friendly grin. + +``Fine, fuck you too, then.'' + +There was no signal—or if there was, Ioan missed it—for Guōweī to step into the sim, hand already raised as if for a slap, a short blade held between his fingers. Unassuming, easy to carry, symbolic, and certainly crowded with whatever virus it was that induced a crash in one's instance. + +What happened next happened almost too quickly for em to comprehend. Zacharias shouted, but the cry was cut off in a muffled \emph{oomf} as an instance of May appeared near him, almost totally overlapping the space that he'd occupied. The collision algos knocked him backwards with enough force to slam him against the door, leaving him to crumple to the floor. + +Guōweī's palm came down flat against May's shoulder, but there was no time to see whether or not the virus would affect an instance so far diverged, as that instance of her quit and was immediately replaced with another one, this overlapping the assassin's space, knocking him back nearly a meter, only for the skunk to fork again to repeat the maneuver. With the momentum already in play, this sent the man flying, his head cracking against the wall hard enough to leave a sizeable dent in the drywall. + +And then it was over. Zacharias's yell faltered, and he stared up, wide eyed, with his gaze darting between Jonas and the remaining instance of May. Jonas had lurched away, looking more disgusted than startled. + +``Get the fuck out of here,'' the instance of May growled. ``And if I ever, \emph{ever} see you again, you had better believe that I will take you out myself.'' + +And then the instance quit, followed less than a second later by the fox rolling to the side to slip out of the sim. Ey imagined that if Jonas, True Name, and May would all do their best to destroy the fox on sight, the chances of seeing him again were low indeed. + +Ey'd never seen a look like that on May's face, though, even at the height of her hatred for True Name. That had been hatred, yes, but this was rage. + +``What just happened?'' ey whispered to May, who gave eir hand a squeeze in her paw and shook her head. + +``Are we done fucking around, yet?'' True Name asked, voice flat. ``Because I just want to know what it is that you want of me so that I can get back to my life.'' + +``Your \emph{life?}'' Jonas asked, incredulous. ``You want to get back to your life?'' + +``Life, yes,'' she said. ``Alive. Living. I want to get back to breathing and eating and drinking and sleeping. Do not take my words too far.'' + +He laughed, shooting his cuffs. ``Well, if \emph{that's} all you want, then we could have done without all this fuss, couldn't we?'' + +``This fuss is necessary, remember,'' When I Do Not Remember, the propagandist, said, to which Jonas sighed. + +``All you need to do is just\ldots go away. Just disappear. Just be gone, True Name. Curl up around your little Name thing and stay there.'' + +May's expression had settled back to calm, but ey could feel the tension in her paw increase, and beyond her, ey could see End Waking bare his teeth. The Odists on Jonas's side of the table flinched. None of them looked pleased. Even Why Ask Questions, jovial as she usually was, seemed to be gritting her teeth. + +\emph{Wait, does} he \emph{know?} ey wondered. If ever there was a way to keep a group of Odists in check, that might just be it. + +Only True Name, of all of them, remained calm. Serious, yes, but calm. ``What does disappearing and being gone look like to you, Jonas?'' she asked. ``Do you\ldots what? Want me to hide away in a locked-down sim forever?'' + +``I wouldn't say no,'' he shot back. + +``No.'' + +``I thought not.'' + +``So,'' she said with exaggerated patience. ``What does me disappearing look like to you?'' + +``You just can't be around. You can't be you anymore. You can't be walking around and having people point and say, ``Hey, it's that piece of shit skunk!'' You need to just disappear, because anything else is just going to destabilize your precious System. Imagine! True Name, who didn't die, wants to bring back political parties! I'm prepared for that, but I don't think you are.'' + +``We are of one mind on that.'' + +Jonas snorted. ``Fuck if I believe you on \emph{that.}'' + +Ioan watched with increasing intensity. The actual words of the conversation aside, True Name's calmness seemed to be overwhelming Jonas's restraint. He seemed to be having a hard time holding back snark, all that sarcasm that made for good entertainment, perhaps, but was increasingly unbecoming for what ey thought of as a politician. + +Here was the Ode clade slowly diverging past reconciliation, here ey was mumbling all the more as the skunks had pointed out, and now Jonas Prime, for all his stability seemed to be having a hard time maintaining his own brand of control. + +Eir frown deepened. Perhaps this was more than just a political dispute. + +She shook her head, but whether at his words or his audacity, ey couldn't tell. ``Alright, disappear. You want me to stop being a figure and start being a person. You want me to be other than I am.'' + +``Yep,'' he said, grin tight and false. + +``I have already begun,'' she said, and with a brief pause, ey saw her face and shoulders relax, a sudden shift towards an expression ey knew intimately from eir partner falling across her features. She continued in a voice softer than what it had been. Lilting, less space between the syllables. ``Because I already am May Then My Name Die With Me--'' Another pause, another shift, one more towards stony and stoic, voice suddenly dry and simple, almost weary. ``--and I am already Do I Know God After The End Waking.'' Finally, she fell back into that first register. ``And some part of me remains True Name, and yet I am none of these. I could not go back to that which I was even if I wished to. Tell me what it is that you want. Lay your terms on the table plainly, and we will come to an agreement.'' + +Jonas raised his eyebrows at the shifts in expression and voice. The frowns around the table on the faces of the other Odists only deepened. + +``How can I even begin to trust you on that? You merged your two cronies, so what? You going to go cuddle-camping with Zacharias or something? You're still you.'' + +Both May and End Waking bristled at this, but neither spoke. + +``I am not what I was, Jonas. That which was True Name does not simply sit next to that of my cocladists. They are impossibly entangled. I am not what I was.'' + +``I can tell, sure, but you know that's not enough, True Name.'' + +``You have not offered your terms. We cannot come to agreement without.'' + +His voice was intent, serious in a way ey hadn't seen before. ``I am saying that you need to disappear. There is no stable future for the System if you show up in anything close to the same form as you were, and you know that. You were almost assassinated, and doubtless more than you three--'' He nodded at May, End Waking, and Ioan. ``--know. You show up as you are, and everything crumbles, or at the very least, starts to shift in unstable ways. Plan A was you gone, but plan B relies on you understanding that there's no recovery from a failed plan A that involves you.'' + +``Why did you not just ask me?'' + +``Would you have stepped down?'' he asked with a sneer. + +She frowned. ``Doubtless you had other cards to play that did not involve Guōweī, some other leverage that did not involve death. You could not convince me, but all this high drama is over the top for you.'' + +``I was bored. It sounded fun. You were right there. Why not?'' + +``You were bored,'' she said coolly. ``You were bored, so you decided to hire someone to kill me.'' + +Ioan watched Jonas's smile fall back into that uncaring cruelty, increasingly ungrounded. + +He waved his hand imperiously. ``And I'm getting bored now. I'm surprised you're still hung up on this, True Name. You're the theatre geek--'' + +``Jonas,'' When I Do Not Remember murmured, her voice a low warning. He only grinned. + +True Name sighed. ``Right. So now you\ldots what, want me to look different? Sound different? I am ready to commit to staying out of the business. You want me to act the part or something? Your terms.'' + +``You need to go away, True Name. I don't fucking care \emph{how.} You make it happen or I will.'' + +There was a moment's thoughtful silence from the skunk, her paws gripping the edge of the table, before she stood, pushed her chair back in, and turned away. Then in the most stunning display of forking ey'd ever seen, True Name began to change. + +Ioan had seen eir share of Dear's exhibitions, not to mention those of other instance artists the fox had introduced em to along the way, and the forking involved in all of them had been perfect. They were well rehearsed dances of duplication that told a story. + +However, they were, whether by association with Dear or by the art itself, fanciful. The duplication was supposed to evoke a sense of magic, of wonder—or the closely related terror. + +In eir own work in theatre, both as an actor and as a playwright, ey'd found use for forking within a story that had remained more grounded, more tied to day to day life, and those performances had seen a success of their own through May and A Finger Pointing's guidance. + +The Odists as a whole were more familiar and comfortable with forking than anyone ey'd ever met, even among the most dispersionista of dispersionista clades. Both May and Dear navigated that aspect of their lives with a grace ey could only dream of. Even the explosions of foxes or skunks during times of excitement were skillfully done. + +This, though, went beyond that. + +As they watched, True Name began to change. She worked with a singular sense of purpose that left no doubt as to what she was doing. An instance flickered into being before herself and watched with a critical eye as skunk after skunk blinked into existence. Each one bore some slight change from their immediate down-tree instance. Sometimes an array of skunks would wind up in a line before that observing instance, which would nod at one or the other in approval to leave the others to quit. And when a change was accepted, the down-tree instance would quit. + +This smooth modification of form was in and of itself impressive for how naturally she began to change—not only did the instance watching have to keep track of what change was happening and what would come next, but so did those doing the actual changing; they all had to be on the same page—but what left em truly impressed was the speed. She began her work with about one fork per second, but before long the changes ramped up to two a second. Three. Nearly four changes per second of forks flickering into and out of existence, all while the orchestrating instance watched, her eyes flicking this way and that across them. + +And then, it was over. + +The result was a skunk slightly shorter than True Name had stood, though still a few centimeters taller than May. She was heavier, as well, with a curve to the hips and belly that was familiar to em from eir partner, but unlike May, this softness was more\ldots well, natural wasn't quite the right term, but where May's weight seemed to be designed to add a sense of both harmlessness and comfort to her form, this new form of True Name simply looked like a pudgy thirty-something who had settled into a comfortable weight long ago and never bothered to change. + +Her face had shifted as well, becoming plainer in ways ey couldn't quite explain. Where True Name had always had some aspect of larger-than-life about her, she now just looked\ldots normal. Still a furry, still living in that form that was more comfortable to her than humanity, but normal. + +Most striking, though, was the pattern of fur. While much of it was covered now, ey'd seen the way it had shifted during the process. Gone were the two parallel stripes, the ones ey had grown to love on May, replaced with a set of white splotches in the black of her fur. The white atop her head remained, disconnected from the patch between her eyes and two others high on her temples. The pattern was eye-catching: the patches seemed to travel in a few uneven lines down over her back and sides, one of them showing a hint of a whorl, another a slight zigzag, and others that were almost round spots. This pattern seemed to be mirrored along her spine, leading to a pleasant symmetry. A quick query of the perisystem infrastructure told em that there was indeed a spotted variety of skunk, described much as ey had seen: spotted fur, shorter tail, a shorter snout that fit somewhere between that of a skunk and that of a weasel like Debarre. + +Gone were the stripes. Gone, also, were the slacks and blouse, traded in for a linen tunic and a pair of loose-fitting Thai fisherman pants. + +When ey was finally able to tear eir eyes away, ey saw that every Odist in the room had picked up expressions that verged from taken aback to startled and angry. May, for her part, looked startled at the display, yes, but also excited and ready. It was the same look she got before performances. + +``May, what--'' + +``One moment, my dear,'' she said, then turned to face this new True Name with a grin. ``Will there be a change of name?'' + +There was a vanishingly faint hint of rehearsal to the words, well masked to anyone who didn't know her as intimately as ey did. Ey realized this must be their plan. Hers and True Name's and End Waking's, the one they'd been working on for days. + +``There\ldots there has to be,'' When I Do Not Remember said, gaze still locked on True Name, and a brief tense from May confirmed that the trap had been sprung. + +While he lacked the context for whatever had surprised her cocladists, even Jonas sounded impressed by the display. ``I won't let you leave as True Name. Stability, remember? That name means too much here.'' + +The other seven members of True Name's stanza nodded as one, and Unasked Questions said, ``You cannot be us. You cannot be who you were.'' + +The skunk bowed. ``You may call me Sasha.'' + +Ioan didn't know what ey expected from the room, but pandemonium wasn't it. May was clapping her paws delightedly and End Waking was grinning and shaking his head. Both bore the traces of rehearsal. + +Jonas simply burst out laughing, and ey couldn't miss the bitterness in it. + +All of the rest of the Odists, however, were shouting. None of them looked pleased. + +``Not Sasha of the Ode clade, just Sasha,'' she said calmly but loud enough to be heard. ``I will not relinquish the form, just as I will not relinquish the past, but if you want me out this badly, so be it. I rescind my membership in the clade.'' + +``As do I,'' End Waking said, getting a smile from Sasha. + +``\emph{That} name is unacceptable!'' When I Do Not Dream hollered. ``No.~You will pick something else.'' + +``No, I will not.'' + +``Shut the fuck up, When I Do Not Dream,'' Jonas shouted. ``All of you, shut the fuck up.'' He turned to Sasha and grinned icily, eyes now burning overbright. ``You always were a little snot. You want to be Sasha? You want to dive back into mediocrity and wear your weakness like a badge? Please, by all means, be my guest. Beg for pity again. Hunt down all your little friends who kept you feeling just bad enough that they could baby you without letting you think you were their plaything.'' + +At this, most of the stanza bridled, and there were a few louder murmurings. + +Jonas waved it away. ``Crawl back to Debarre and\ldots fuck, what was his name? user11824? Crawl into their arms and let them prop you up long after you should've died.'' + +Murmurings grew to angry mutterings. + +Jonas only laughed, and that bitterness was all the more evident. ``Go. Be Sasha. Live your silly little life. And you,'' he said through clenched teeth, jabbing a finger toward Ioan. ``Write your little story. That's what you're here for, isn't it? Write your little romance and fuck your little girlfriends and put on your little plays.'' + +May rolled her eyes. + +``Get out. All of you.'' + +The rest of the stanza left, quit, or were swept—the sim didn't seem to render them any different. Ioan guessed swept, given that Guōweī's unconscious form also disappeared. + +All through Jonas's tirade, Sasha wore a half smile. It wasn't rehearsed, wasn't self-satisfied. She simply looked present. She looked confident in herself in some more earnest way than she had in years, as though she had changed beyond just her appearance. When it was clear that he was finished, she bowed politely. + +``See you around?'' + +``Fuck off.'' + +She laughed and reached out to take Ioan's hand in her paw, then they stepped back home, followed closely by May holding End Waking's paw. + +Once back on the plain, End Waking groaned and fell to his knees, paws digging into the soil around the tussocks of grass, then quit. May and Ioan followed suit. + +When their down-tree instances returned to the field from inside—May bearing a (rather lopsided) cake—they were just in time to see True Name bow to Sasha and quit. It was the last change, ey supposed, the true relinquishing of her name. + +There was a long moment of silence on the plain, then Ioan let out a ragged, pent-up breath, eir shoulders sagging. ``Can someone tell me what the fuck just happened?'' + +``Sasha did the one thing she could have done to piss Jonas off most,'' May said, grinning. ``He went in thinking he'd take everything from her and left with no wind in his sails. Well done, my dear.'' + +Sasha beamed and bowed with a flourish. + +``And you knew this?'' ey asked. + +She nodded. ``To an extent. We had discussed several options, but many of the changes were new. I saw her unwind all of the changes from the last centuries--'' + +``All the way back to Praiseworthy's suggestions before Secession,'' the other skunk said proudly. + +``--and other than the spotted skunk thing, she looks just like\ldots well, Sasha. Nice touch, by the way.'' + +``I do not think I could have gotten away with staying the same skunk, even if I look similar enough while clothed. But yes, I am back to the me of\ldots shit, when did I make Sasha like this? 2110?'' + +Ioan shook eir head, dizzy. ``This is what you looked like before uploading?'' + +``What my—\emph{our}—av looked like, yes, all except the change to a spotted skunk. They always felt too flashy, back then, and I just wanted to look like myself offline except a furry. Completely unremarkable and a species no one likes.'' + +``The outfit was my suggestion,'' End Waking said. ``It always was our favorite, but for some reason, we never brought it with us to the System, and I knew the rest of the stanza would pick up on that quite easily.'' + +Sasha nodded. + +``I am proud of you, Sasha,'' he continued. ``I do not yet know why I feel compelled to say that, but I am proud of you. You have much to make up for, your own penance yet to serve, but that you have done this at all is a good step forward.'' + +Ioan sighed and sat down heavily in the grass. ``You're all completely nuts.'' + +The three skunks laughed. + +``Why didn't you tell me?'' + +``For your story,'' Sasha said. ``You had to go in there with an untainted view in order to write a more earnest story at the end.'' + +``So,'' ey said, organizing eir thoughts out loud. ``May and End Waking--'' + +``E.W.'' the skunk corrected. ``I am E.W. of no clade.'' + +The other two skunks perked up and grinned wide. + +Ioan blinked, hesitated, then continued. ``May and\ldots E.W. merged down and you\ldots I guess feel more like you used to? Back phys-side, I mean. Enough to head back to who you were before the clade began, I mean. Is that even possible?'' + +``It is not a statement of reality, dear. I cannot reintegrate those aspects of myself that are not up-tree from me, and even if I could, there are those who no longer exist or who have left Lagrange,'' she said, that slight smile growing. ``It is a statement of hope, perhaps, or a desire for completion. It is an understanding of the ways in which I fall short expressed in my very name. Will this sense of a truer life last? Perhaps. It will certainly not always feel good, and will at some point cease feeling new, but I plan on owning it for as long as I am able.'' + +``And how is it that this pisses off Jonas?'' Ey snorted. ``He certainly sounded pissed.'' + +Sasha knelt across from Ioan, followed shortly by E.W. and May to either side of em, May summoning up plates and cutting thick slices of cake. It was strange to see so many smiles, still strange to see May so happy around her down-tree instance and stranger still to see E.W. even in the same sim. + +``What Jonas was expecting was for me to remain True Name in everything except form and name,'' she said. ``He was expecting someone deeply cowed by his political genius—and do not underestimate him, he \emph{is} still a genius. He felt that he had won his spot as rightful leader of Lagrange, if such a thing can even be said to exist. He thought that he had beaten me down and left me either unable to continue or unwilling to try.'' + +May added, ``I suspect that he is starting to crack.'' + +Ioan nodded. + +``Perhaps,'' Sasha said. ``He has not seemed fully grounded in many years, but again, do not underestimate him.'' + +Ioan jumped at a brief sensorium ping, a request to enter, followed shortly by Debarre popping into existence behind May, who had apparently admitted him. ``What was so urgent that you pulled me away from lunch and\ldots{}'' he trailed off, squinting at this new skunk. ``Who\ldots but you're\ldots what?'' + +Sasha stiffened where she knelt. ``Debarre,'' she said, bowing her head. ``A pleasure to see you.'' + +The weasel said nothing, looking stunned. + +``This is-- was Tr--'' + +``Sasha. I am Sasha. I was her as well,'' she said, voice gentle but insistent enough to stop Ioan from continuing. + +He stepped back a half pace, crouching as though to flee on foot. ``Sasha\ldots? What the fuck?'' + +Ioan, still feeling eir head spinning from so much happening so quickly, tried to pin down eir open question in eir mind while still watching the exchange intently. + +``I am not what I was, Debarre. I am not True Name. I am not May or E.W.'' She hesitated, then continued, ``I am not even the Sasha you remember, but I am, I think, closer to being her than any of the Ode clade is currently.'' + +``Bullshit,'' he growled. ``If there's even a little bit of True Name in you, you can't be her. If you're even the slightest bit her I'm fucking out of here.'' + +``Wait, my love,'' E.W. said. ``Please stay.'' + +Debarre hesitated. + +``If I am still here, do you not think that I agree with her? At least to a large enough extent to trust her?'' + +The weasel straightened up and, when May gestured to the spot beside E.W., he slowly lowered himself to a crouch as though still ready to bolt. ``I'll listen, but this had better be good.'' + +Sasha bowed, sitting quietly and fiddling anxiously with the hem of her tunic while May caught him up on the events of the past few months, letting the other three of them interject with corrections and confirmations. Throughout, Debarre waited, and while he didn't relax fully, by the end of the discussion, he was at least sitting all the way down. + +``So now you're Sasha,'' he said slowly. + +``A new Sasha. Related, but not the same Sasha you and I remember.'' + +``I'll buy that at least,'' he muttered. ``You still make me really fucking nervous.'' + +She smiled faintly. ``Do not worry, my dear. I make myself nervous.'' + +At the affectionate \emph{my dear}, the weasel jolted back. + +``My apologies,'' Sasha said quickly. ``I was not thinking. If you would like me not to use that phrase, I will do my best not to. I just have enough\ldots well, I am different enough now that it comes automatically.'' + +``You have enough of E.W. in you, you mean.'' + +She nodded. + +``I\ldots well, yeah. Not from you.'' He hesitated, eyes averted, and added, ``Please.'' + +``Of course. + +``So tell me how this gets you anything.'' + +Ioan sat up straight once more, unpinning eir question. ``You were saying that Jonas thought he'd beaten you.'' + +``Right, yes. He thought that he had left me so broken that I might fade away or even quit of my own accord. Instead, I became the one thing he could not control.'' + +``How, though?'' ey asked. + +``Because of the \emph{History}. The System knows about me. It knows about the Council of Eight and about Sasha and Michelle Hadje. It also knows about True Name, though, and to see that True Name has stepped down and become one of the few sympathetic figures in that same story once again means that he cannot touch me. He cannot risk reinforcing being seen as a villain--'' + +``Or more of one,'' May muttered. + +``--by coming after me. Not only that, but with the expectation that the Sasha who was on the Council was in the right when seen in contrast to True Name, I will be seen as a balancing force rather than a co-conspirator. Him working against that risks being seen as either unbalancing an effective system or a return to a two-party system that no one wants.'' + +``It is not a win, \emph{per se},'' E.W. added. ``She has not beaten Jonas, but she has entered into a stalemate with him.'' + +``Can't he still come after you, though? It's not like the whole System knows.'' + +``That is why he was so upset at you, as well, my dear,'' May said. ``You will write your book and your play, and he will just have to brace himself as best he can.'' + +``But I haven't yet, though.'' + +``Of course, but if he had decided to take Sasha out anyway, you would still be left to write about \emph{that}. Your name is already trusted enough on the System that if you were to write something after her assassination, it would still have gone poorly for him. If he had taken you out as well—something I doubt he was prepared to do anyway—he would be in even deeper shit.'' + +Ey shook eir head. Ey was feeling very far behind but needed to understand if ey was to write this book. More, ey needed to understand for emself. ``So why not become Michelle?'' + +``Because look at me,'' Sasha said, laughing and spreading her arms. ``I am a furry. A \emph{skunk} furry, no less. There is benefit to being something that is just a little silly, just as there always has been. Even after all these years, it is difficult to take someone pretending to be a small furry animal seriously, so that disarms me in the eyes of the observer.'' + +``So he will just leave you alone?'' + +``He will have to if he wishes to remain in his position. He answers to his desire for power, I answer only to my desire for stability and continuity. In that I remain earnest in my conviction,'' she said by way of answer. ``Even that of me which is E.W. and May. E.W. cannot love his forest if politics overwhelm his existence. May cannot hold onto her devotion. These things I know.'' + +May nodded slowly. ``You are not wrong. I would not have used such words, but you are not wrong.'' + +``That of me which remains True Name has settled down,'' she continued. ``And she still holds to the idea that politics is a means to an end. She is good at it. She enjoys it. She is willing and able to utilize it.'' + +``So,'' Debarre said. ``When did you realize this might even work?'' + +``It was a chance I took. One that might have failed, yes, but a good chance. It was all those times he talked about how you and Michelle were not fit to lead. Jonas had a view of me that was as inaccurate as it was easy to use against him. I have my political acumen and you have your own small group.'' + +Ioan watched Debarre stiffen, making note of his response. It didn't feel like the type of thing to include in the story, but it did make rather a lot of the weasel's words and actions make more sense. + +``You're nuts,'' Debarre said, rubbing his paws over his face to cover that response. ``You're all fucking nuts.'' + +Ioan gestured wildly toward the weasel. ``Confirmation! Fucking nuts!'' + +The three skunks laughed while ey and Debarre leaned across the circle to shake hands. diff --git a/mitzvot/content/old/036.tex b/mitzvot/content/old/036.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..05b2ad6 --- /dev/null +++ b/mitzvot/content/old/036.tex @@ -0,0 +1,489 @@ +\begin{center}\rule{0.5\linewidth}{0.5pt}\end{center} + +The stream of Odists who came to visit Sasha in the days and weeks after the excursion to Jonas's was surprising. They seem to have accepted her change in identity far easier than expected. There were no instances of deadnaming (unless they were specifically talking about her past as True Name, as requested), no fights, no arguments. + +Not everyone was happy, to be sure. Many of the discussions from those who stopped by were quite serious and, even though many took place in cones of silence, Ioan could easily guess that there was much in the way of airing of grievances. As far as ey could tell, though, it was done with an eye towards catharsis and reconciliation. + +Serene, for instance, came over the day after the whole kerfuffle, surprising the three of them well into the evening. They'd settled for a middle ground of dinner out on the extended balcony—close enough to the house for them to cook a proper dinner without leaving Sasha feeling cooped up inside—when the ping against their sensoria caused the three to jolt as one. + +``That will be Serene!'' May said excitedly, setting her half-finished plate down and hopping to her feet. ``I opened the ACLs to a few, hope you do not mind.'' + +``Opened-- wait, when?'' Ioan asked, setting eir own plate down. ``And to how many?'' + +But the skunk was already gone, bounding inside to greet the fox with a hug and excited chattering. + +Ioan and Sasha followed more sedately, both waiting until May had gotten her greeting out of the way before bowing to Serene. + +``Ioan, a pleasure! It has been too long,'' she said, grinning widely. The grin faded, and she nodded to the spotted skunk. ``And Sasha.'' + +``Serene, thank you for stopping by. I was not expecting to see you so soon.'' + +``I do not imagine so. May Then My Name has been conspiring behind the scenes, so this was all worked out ahead of time.'' + +``Oh? How cheeky,'' Sasha said, laughing. ``Were you really that confident that everything would work out, dear?'' + +May shook her head. ``Reasonably confident, but I want Arrowhead Lake back no matter what, so I arranged for us a little meeting.'' + +``Skunks, I swear.'' Ioan shook eir head. ``Well, welcome all the same. We've got pasta, if you'd like.'' + +Once she'd heaped a plate high with food, Serene followed them out onto the balcony to join them for the rest of their meal. She wrinkled her nose at the sight of the plain. ``I suppose this was the best one could do on short notice, yes?'' + +``It wasn't too much, and it fit the need, yeah.'' + +``It has served its purpose,'' Sasha said. ``And it is not so bad close up. A little too flat, perhaps, but the river is nice.'' + +Serene nodded and finished a mouthful of food before setting her fork down again. ``I have at least come bearing a gift.'' + +``Did you find your student?'' + +``Yes. He was still about, though he has\ldots changed much in the intervening years. He was not as pleased to see me as I might have liked.'' + +Sasha dipped her snout. ``I am assuming that he has picked up on the sentiment surrounding the clade.'' + +Serene nodded. ``He read the \emph{History} and came to the same conclusion that the rest of the System did. Our name is not mud, but, my dear, relationships changed after that knowledge became public.'' + +``I understand.'' + +``I do not want to hear you say that you are sorry, Sasha. I do not think that is how this works as you are now, not for me. I do not want to hear your justifications and explanations; I can understand them as well as anyone. I just want to hear your acknowledgement.'' + +After setting her plate and fork down on the low table again, Sasha folded her paws in her lap, sat for a moment in silence, then said, ``For as much as I tried to do—for as much as Jonas and I both tried to do—I do not think we had nearly the effect on the world around us we thought we did, not on the grand scale. We played our games of politics and influence, but it was a game of relationships from start to finish, you are correct. True Name changed relationships. May Then My Name changed relationships. E.W. played his part. I do not know if it was for the better or the worse, but I do acknowledge that it made a good many of them far more difficult.'' + +``Well, okay. Perhaps one apology.'' + +``I am sorry, Serene; Sustained And Sustaining.'' + +There was another moment of silence, then Serene's wild grin returned. ``Well, that felt good. Praiseworthy did all that shit, too, so, fuck it. Let me finish my food and I will fuck your sim up but good.'' + +Ioan blinked, looking between skunk and fennec. ``Wait, that simple?'' + +``Of course, my dear,'' Serene said around a mouthful of pasta. ``I already told you of my thoughts on the matter. I have done my processing.'' + +``And now you cannot simply say something about skunks being brats,'' May chimed in. ``Though I am pretty sure we all knew that foxes were, too.'' + +Serene made a rude gesture, still grinning. + +Once they'd finished dinner, Serene stood, stretched, and then leaned against the balcony railing staring out over the plain. Her expression was calm, pleasant, though focused on something ey couldn't see. ``Ioan, I will need ACLs over at least the exterior, including your yard, though I will do my best to keep it intact.'' + +Ey nodded, focused, and made the grant. + +``Thank you. Now, you may stay out here and watch, but I warn you that it can be a bit dizzy-making.'' + +Ey exchanged glances with the two skunks and shrugged. ``I think we're all eager to see.'' + +``Suit yourself. It was your dinner. Thank you, by the way.'' + +There was no further announcement. Nor, even, any change in Serene. She still looked out over the railing with a dreamy, far away look on her face even as the world dropped out beneath them. + +The plain rippled and flexed, arching up high to the sky as though stretching after a long nap. Trees pried their way from the soil. Rocks broke free from the land. The river—the one immediately before them, at least—collapsed into itself to form a wide lake. The rest of the distant echoed versions of the plain where not occupied by the immediate mountains crinkled into some more complex geometry, the remainder of the range echoed outside the valley. + +It \emph{was} a little vertigo-inducing, too. The worst of it wasn't due to the sudden change in the shape of the landscape, but in just how, well\ldots serene it all was. The river shaping itself into the lake was not accompanied by some grand splashing of waves, but simply the remaking of the water. There were no falling rocks or grand earthquakes, just the reshaping of the world. The light shifted. Gravity swayed, settled. All of it was silent, anechoic. + +And then it was done. + +``H-holy fuck,'' ey managed, clutching at the railing of the balcony. Both May and Sasha stood defiantly against the change, though neither looked as casual as the fox. + +``I have set your house up the hill a ways from the default entry point to the old sim. That it was already on stilts proved quite useful. The angle of the sun may be a bit different, but not so much as to be a problem,'' she said, gesturing them down the steps from Sasha's side of the balcony. They landed on a flagstone pad set into the bed of pine needles, a small trail winding its way down the slope toward the water. She gestured toward the small ridge that rose next to them. ``I had to modify the terrain a little bit to keep your yard level. You should be okay, but if you run into erosion problems, do let me know. I have been told of your affinity for weather, Ioan.'' + +Sure enough, the fence remained level, wrapping around a small rectangle of hidden grass and dandelions, the tops of lilac bushes overflowing. + +The path teed with the long familiar deer trail that wound around the lake, and, out of habit, they all started down towards the rock. + +``Fauna?'' Serene asked. + +``Please.'' Sasha smiled sheepishly. ``I would not like a repeat of that particular mistake.'' + +Grinning and nodding, Serene kept up her steady pace, humming a little under her breath. There was no change that ey could see, though ey imagined her counting deer, rabbits, squirrels, and birds into existence. + +For eir part, ey simply walked, hand in paw with May, and marveled. Ey'd discovered the lake decades ago, had spent countless days out here on walks, and at least one night camping. Still, it felt somehow new. Ey was rediscovering this place that ey'd not seen in months—though ey'd spent longer stints away from it in the past—and marveling at the detail all over again. A glance back over eir shoulder showed eir flat-roofed house peeking shyly from amid the trees, but other than that, it was, ey assumed, the same as it had been. + +After so long away and after so much stress it felt all the more real. + +They sat on the rock near the end of the lake and enjoyed the last of the sun. It was a little tight for four, but May tucked quite nicely up against eir side and Sasha, having slipped more into an E.W. mindset, had settled off to the side. She looked antsy, and ey suspected she'd request time to hike soon enough. + +``How is the rest of the clade taking this?'' she asked. ``I sent a clade-wide message, but have not received responses.'' + +Serene looked up from where she was investigating a few pine needles plucked from a branch on the way over with a discriminating eye. ``I think that reactions will be largely positive even if they are not universally so. Several of my stanza have been been talking, and many feel as I do. It is fine, I am sure, and I have processed what I needed to and gotten what I wanted.'' + +``Of course. I have been abandoned by the rest of my stanza, but at this point, the larger part of me does not want to have anything to do with them, anyway. I do not imagine Loss For Images and her ilk will take it well. I do hope that A Finger Pointing and I will have a chance to speak soon, as I am now enough May that I would enjoy attending a play or two.'' + +``\,`May'?'' Serene said, tiling her head and looking to the other skunk. ``Have you forgiven her, then?'' + +May nodded. ``Forgiven is maybe not the best word. I have internalized the way things are and accepted the way things were. I am pleased to know Sasha and who she has become.'' + +The other skunk smiled faintly, nodded. ``Though for all Ioan talked about trying to fix things, I place the largest part of who I have become on you, dear.'' + +``I wasn't going to say anything,'' Ioan said, grinning. + +May elbowed em in the side. ``Hush, you.'' + +``I will not laugh at you two too much, then.'' Serene laughed anyway, though not unkindly. ``What are your plans moving forward? I trust that you are essentially locked out of what you were working on as True Name.'' + +``Yes, and while there is a part of me that remains disappointed about this outcome, there is little to be done about it but move forward.'' Sasha brought her tail around to her lap to brush it out. It was shorter than a striped skunk's tail, it seemed, and less thickly furred. ``I will take a vacation, first. I will sleep a normal amount. I will eat good food. I will wear myself out on the hunt and take what comfort I can while I remain here. I will rest, and then I will write.'' + +``Write? Really?'' + +``Yes. I must be careful not to be seen as overtly influencing lest I bring on Jonas's ire, but I would like to share the story of the last few centuries from my point of view. I do not know who will be interested except perhaps our two clades, but I will write.'' + +``Well, if it's anything like the \emph{History},'' Ioan said, ``it'll wind up wildly popular and then fade into part of the mythos of the System.'' + +May grinned. ``And all will be as it should.'' + +``Of course. I will not complain. So long as I am better able to understand who I have become and fill my time with something fulfilling, then I will be happy.'' + +``\emph{Will} you be happy?'' Serene asked. + +There was a long silence as Sasha finished brushing out her tail and spent a few minutes simply staring across the lake, perhaps mapping the opposite shore and marking spots for future exploration. + +Finally, she said, ``I think that I will be. I am of three minds and will ever be such. I will have moments of happiness, moments of sadness and terror and regret, but they will ever be in thirds.'' + +``Are you okay with that?'' + +Sasha stood and stretched, finally turning her gaze back to them. ``Himself has but to will And easy as a Star Look down upon Captivity And laugh.'' + +With no further explanation, she bowed and edged around them on her way down off the rock. She moved quietly and efficiently, and it was a matter of moments before they lost sight of her in the trees. + +They sat and shared quiet stories of the past through the remainder of the evening. + +\begin{center}\rule{0.5\linewidth}{0.5pt}\end{center} + +The next Odists to visit were A Finger Pointing and Slow Hours, once more arriving as a pair and hugging Sasha in turn. They set up a cone of silence and spoke together for a scant twenty minutes before dropping it again and inviting Ioan and May to join. They pulled the beanbag a little closer to the couch and settled down on it together to listen. + +``It is easy to say that all is full of love,'' Slow Hours began, smiling to Sasha. ``But now, I think, you have a sense of your own.'' + +The skunk smiled and bowed her head. + +``Life will be easier for a while, and then it will be harder. You will share your loves, first with another and then with solitude, and with each you long for the other until you return.'' Her expression slipped into a lopsided grin. ``Does not matter one fucking bit, though, so I would not worry.'' + +``Mere breath?'' Sasha asked, grinning. + +``A chasing after the wind, yes.'' + +``And you will come to a performance,'' A Finger Pointing added. ``I am no oracle, but if you do not come, I will hunt you down myself. It has been too long, my dear.'' + +She laughed. ``Of course. So many threats to hunt me down, these days. But yes, thank you.'' + +``And if you do not watch me perform my monologue, I will trim your claws too short in your sleep,'' May said. ``There is a monologue night coming up soon.'' + +``Far worse than being hunted down, that. I will be there.'' + +May preened. + +After that, they fell into comfortable conversation. Sasha joined Ioan and May on the beanbag to get some pets—the talk having apparently nudged the affectionate part of her to the fore—while Slow Hours spoke in fewer 'will's and 'shall's and settled down into the normal conversational mode of the rest of the Odists. They spoke of performances past, going all the way back to before the founding of the System, back to their time in high school. The four Odists performed a small segment of the Dickinson play they always seemed to quote from, a first for any of the Bălans in the nearly fifty years their clades had been entangled. + +Ey didn't understand, but ey didn't need to. + +\begin{center}\rule{0.5\linewidth}{0.5pt}\end{center} + +It was nearly a month before Debarre, Douglas, and Sasha agreed to meet. Debarre's side of the negotiations remained stiff and distant, the weasel initially refusing to see Sasha after that first meeting. Douglas seemed to have set aside any sense of caution, speaking with palpable excitement. As soon as he'd learned of the change of name back to something more closely associated with his distant relative, he'd hardly spoken of anything else. + +Eventually, though, meeting was set up for dinner on the dandelion-dotted field, a small potluck picnic late in the evening so that the skunks wouldn't overheat in the sun. + +Everyone arrived simultaneously by Debarre's request so that no one was left waiting for anyone else. Ioan, May, and Sasha stepped into the sim just in time to see Debarre and E.W. arriving. The six of them stood in a circle in front of Douglas's stoop, dandelions and evening bumblers tickling at their ankles. + +Or, at least they stood in a circle for a moment. Sasha almost immediately stumbled back from the group, turning in two slow, wavering circles before falling to her knees. + +``Sasha?'' Ioan said, startled. + +``Too much,'' she mumbled shakily. ``Too much at once.'' + +May padded over to kneel next to her. ``May I hug?'' + +After a moment of strained silence, Sasha slumped against May's side, and the two sat together while she let out that overwhelming emotion within a cone of silence. + +Ioan, Debarre, E.W., and Douglas took the time to set up the picnic, a rickety table bearing plates of various salads, roasted vegetables, and the makings for venison sandwiches, courtesy of E.W.. They moved in silence, hesitantly, each pausing every now and then to watch as Sasha slowly worked to calm herself. + +``That was not the greeting that I had intended,'' she said, once she had cleaned up in Douglas's house and joined them at the table to pick up a plate. ``I was hoping that I would be able to greet you all politely, settle into some easier conversation, but that of True Name has not been here in too long. This place is too charged with memories, as are your faces. Even for that of E.W. and May, there is too much bound up in the last few months.'' + +``Are you feeling better now?'' Douglas asked. + +She nodded. ``I am leaning on the other portions of myself now. I will have much processing to do yet, but tonight is for dinner with friends, or at least with those I hope will be friends.'' + +``I certainly hope we can be friends.'' Douglas laughed. ``I mean, those are the first words we've ever really spoken to each other, but I'm happy to have the chance to meet you.'' + +``Or at least meet a third of me.'' + +``Well, yes, but you're still a new person to me and very\ldots uh,'' he trailed off, frowning down to his plate. ``Well, very close to someone I've thought a lot about, I guess.'' + +She smiled and leaned over to pat his shoulder. ``We will talk, dear. That part of me has heard so much about you and is so colored by what the other parts of me know, that I am eager to learn, as well.'' + +Debarre remained stiff and awkward, even as they settled down on the blanket to eat, plates piled high with various dishes and cups of sangria set carefully in the grass behind them. He wouldn't make eye contact with Sasha and seemed hesitant to speak even to Ioan and May. + +Eventually, he cleared his throat, set his plate down, and stared steadily at Sasha. ``I think you owe me an apology. At least from the, uh\ldots what did you call it? The True Name part of you?'' + +As she had done with Serene, Sasha set her plate down as well, folded her paws in her lap, and bowed to the weasel. Ioan could tell by the set of her features and the straightness of her shoulders that she was indeed doing her best to keep that part of her at the fore. ``I am sorry, Debarre. The things that I did were for what I thought was best, but they wound up hurting a good many people. They were not fair to you and I apologize for the pain I caused. While I do not think I even \emph{could} anymore, I will all the same endeavor not to act in such single-minded ways again.'' + +Ioan couldn't read Debarre's expression well enough to gauge his thoughts on the matter, but judging by the way he loosened up and joined in more of the conversations after that, speaking even with Sasha, he seemed to at least have accepted the words to an extent. + +Debarre and E.W. stayed for a few hours after dinner, long enough to see the first stars show themselves above the field, before they stepped back to the skunk's sim. + +Shortly after, Sasha stood, the other three following suit. She hugged Ioan and May around the shoulders and gave each of them a touch of the nose to the cheek. ``If you two do not mind, I would like to go for a walk with Douglas and speak with him alone.'' + +They nodded and returned the hugs and kisses, getting hugs from Douglas as well before they stepped back home. + +``Do you think Douglas still puts too much stock in who you used to be?'' Ioan asked once they were home and comfortable. + +May was a while in answering. ``Perhaps, yes. We are not Michelle, have not been for centuries. None of us are Sasha—least of all Sasha.'' + +Ioan nodded, brushing out the skunk's tail with a fine-toothed comb as ey'd been commanded. ``He really relaxed after uploading, at least. Just a few little spikes in interest when certain things came up.'' + +``As hyperfixations go, it is a relatively innocuous one,'' she said, yawning. ``But I am at least pleased to see that he is both engaging with other things and finding fulfillment in this aspect of his life when he can.'' + +``Besides, it's not like you guys don't hyperfixate on things.'' + +``Mmhm,'' she mumbled sleepily. ``But all the same, we have been slowly drifting away from what we used to be over the years, and in the face of all that we have seen, that is not such a bad thing.'' + +``How do you feel about her apology?'' + +``How do you mean?'' + +Ey shrugged. ``It felt\ldots I don't know, a little rehearsed, maybe.'' + +May curled in against eir side, yawning once more. ``Perhaps. She said what Debarre needed to hear, I think, and it was no less earnest for that. As much as he means to us, that is no bad thing, either.'' + +\begin{center}\rule{0.5\linewidth}{0.5pt}\end{center} + +Ioan wasn't sure why ey kept feeling surprised at the number of loose threads from just one event that needed tying. The business with Qoheleth had been about as complicated, and had required meeting with several other Odists in order to finish the story, and each one came with a different tenor. + +The same was true here, as well. Many members of the clade—some of whom ey'd not yet met—visited and requested time with Sasha or with the three of them. Still, ey realized, this culmination came after two and a quarter centuries for some, so perhaps it made sense. + +Not all of these interactions went smoothly. + +Barely a month after that dinner with Debarre and Douglas on the field, two of the most dramatic happened within the span of a week. + +May stumbled in the middle of a Wednesday morning rehearsal, falling to her knees, panting, before pushing herself to her feet. She managed to make it through the rest of the scene before forking off so that she could continue as best she could while her root instance ducked back home. + +Once there, she darted over towards where Ioan sat at eir desk, working through the process of writing Jonas's book. She knelt beside em, clutched a pawful of eir shirt and set up a cone of silence. Ey felt the ACL-scape of the cone shift several times until it was just about as secure as could be made. + +``May? What--'' + +``Zacharias! He has been pinging me once every few seconds for the last minute!'' She was on the verge of hyperventilation, eyes wide and tail bristled. ``I do not know what-- \emph{fuck!}'' + +Ioan slid from eir chair as the skunk started to slump over to the side. Ey helped her to her feet and over to the beanbag. ``May, what's happening?'' + +``He keeps\ldots quitting and\ldots sending high-priority merges\ldots{}'' she gasped. ``The cone will not\ldots stop those\ldots{}'' + +``You okay for a few seconds?'' + +Slumped over on the beanbag, the skunk nodded. + +Ey stepped from the cone, where May had clearly blocked sensorium messages from the fox, so that ey could holler into a message, ``What the fuck do you want?'' + +``Ioan! I need to\ldots can I--'' + +``No.~No coming over.'' + +``A neutral place?'' + +``Do you need May there?'' + +``Yes!'' + +Ey sighed. ``I'll ask. No guarantees.'' + +``No, I\ldots no,'' the skunk mumbled once ey stepped back into the cone. She'd managed to sit up and while the panicked look on her face had calmed, the beginnings of rage had taken its place. ``He cannot come here.'' + +``Maybe Douglas's to keep him from being too much? If Sasha's reaction was anything to go by, it might quell him, or at least keep him distracted.'' + +The skunk sat, silent, for a moment, holding onto one of eir hands tightly. ``Will Douglas be around to sweep if needed?'' + +Ey nodded. + +``Now?'' + +``Yeah, I think so. I'm not sure I trust that he'll leave you alone if we put him off.'' + +``I--'' + +They were interrupted by a rapidly crescendoing thudding sound followed by the scrabble of claws on the glass of the sliding door, Sasha finally finding purchase and whipping it open. May dropped the cone of silence. + +``What the fuck is happening?!'' Sasha shouted. + +``You too, then?'' + +Sasha frowned, straightened up, and brushed out her tunic. ``Yes. He just about knocked me out with the amount of adrenaline he sent my way. You look ready to go, though. Do you have a plan?'' + +``We're going to meet him at Douglas's field. That's about the start and end of it, though.'' Ioan took a deep breath and tried to tamp down the urge to pace. ``Do you want to come?'' + +Ey watched a complex set of emotions play out over her features. She stood still for nearly a minute, working to master them, before nodding. ``Yes. Let us get this the fuck over with.'' + +Ioan sent a message to Zacharias spoken aloud for the skunks' benefit. ``The Field\#002a0b1.'' + +The reply was frantic. ``What?! No!'' + +``There or no meeting.'' + +``F-fine.'' + +Ioan helped May to her feet and placed a kiss atop her head before the three of them forked and stepped from the sim. + +Douglas stood at the top of his stoop, arms crossed, frowning. ``Ioan, what is this?'' + +``Zacharias made it out of the whole thing alive,'' May growled. ``And now he is losing his mind and wants to meet. I will not have him at our home.'' + +Douglas's frown deepened. ``So you're bringing him here? The ACLs are pretty locked down right now.'' + +``Yes. I do not want to meet him at all, but I do not imagine he will simply leave me alone.'' She spent a moment composing herself, plastering a mask of confidence over her anxiety. ``We need somewhere where someone can sweep him if need be.'' + +``If you say so,'' he said, paused, then continued, ``Alright, he should be able to enter.'' + +Ioan nodded and sent a ping to Zacharias. + +He arrived within a fraction of a second, yelped, and fell backwards, paws balled up into fists and pressed tight against his eyes. + +``How long has it been for you, my dear? Since you were forked?'' May said, kneeling down before the fox. Her voice had grown cloyingly sweet, that `my dear' taking on a spiteful tone. + +``Y-yes,'' he gasped. ``Did\ldots did we have to meet here?'' + +``Where better?'' Sasha said. She stood nearby, arms crossed, impassive, looking almost bored, though Ioan could see the energy it was taking for her to keep that up. + +Zacharias moaned. He forced himself to lower his paws to the ground, gripping at clumps of grass and dandelions. Finally, he opened his eyes and stared out toward the horizon of the field. ``I--'' + +``What did you want, my dear Zack? You sounded nearly on the verge of panic,'' May said. + +``It is Jonas!'' he said, finally snapping out of his daze. ``Jonas! He has gone crazy! He killed all of my instances!'' + +``Did you expect anything else, little loverfox?'' Sasha asked. There was no humor or sweetness in her voice, the last two words carried venom in them. + +``I\ldots I mean--'' + +``You are the root instance, I am assuming?'' + +He nodded, the movement jerky and uneven. ``I have not left home since. I dug a new one, you see, and he found that one somehow.'' + +``And what can we do for you?'' May asked. + +``Help! You can help me get away from that\ldots that lunatic!'' + +Sasha frowned. ``Can you not dig another home?'' + +He reached out to clutch at May's paws. She startled backwards, but did nothing to push him away. ``I cannot\ldots I cannot just disappear! Months! It has been months since I have seen anyone. Anyone! I have to\ldots to be near--'' + +``No,'' she said flatly. + +``But--'' + +``No.'' The skunk shook her head, leaned forward and touched her nose to his. ``Not me. Not Sasha. Not us. You are on your own, Zacharias. I will not accept any further messages or merges. No contact.'' + +He slouched once more, eyes still wide. ``May Then My Name, I--'' + +``No contact.'' She extracted one of her paws from his and slapped him firmly across the snout. ``And that is for before.'' + +Yelping, he fell back onto an elbow. He opened his mouth to respond, but May had already nodded towards Douglas, who swept him from the sim. + +She remained kneeling for a moment, then started to shake, crumpling down onto the grass, panting heavily. Ioan knelt beside her until she'd cried herself dry while Douglas and Sasha sat on the steps leading up to his house, watching in silence. + +``I've never seen you like that before,'' he said, once they'd made their way inside, the four of them clutching glasses of water. ``I knew he was a shitbag, but goddamn.'' + +``I am\ldots not okay,'' she said, whispering down to her glass. ``I am not okay.'' + +``It is not a mode either of us are comfortable with,'' Sasha said quietly, ``but it is the only mode that would have gained us peace. Any weakness would be taken as an opening.'' + +Douglas nodded. He didn't look convinced. + +``I am sorry. After 226 years, one learns to use contempt with precision, however dear the cost.'' She reached out to take one of May's paws in her own. Both of them looked exhausted. ``Even so, I do not expect that is the last we will hear from him.'' + +They didn't stay long after. Ioan eventually promised Douglas that they'd catch up another time and then gently nudged the skunks to quit and merge back down. + +The rest of the day was silent. Ioan and May collapsed onto the beanbag and stayed there through much of it, each processing in their own way, while Sasha disappeared outside to lose herself in the wilderness, not returning until late that evening, bearing a lanky hare and double-pawful of chantarelles, which she cooked down into a simple stew. They ate on the balcony to enjoy the late summer's evening as best they could. + +Sasha joined them in bed that night, and they took what comfort they could from each other's company. + +\begin{center}\rule{0.5\linewidth}{0.5pt}\end{center} + +The more dramatic of the meetings, however, came that weekend. It was quieter, perhaps, but bearing more weight, more finality. + +The rest of the week had remained tense, with Sasha wafting in and out of the house to follow her unsettled moods while May remained quiet, nearly silent, nearly always stuck by Ioan's side. Ey knew ey should probably start laying in supplies for her overflowing, but ey was still distracted trying to pick apart the events with Zacharias. In light of eir desire to keep both of them safe and close, much of the fury that had come with eir first meeting with the fox threatened to reappear every time ey thought about the two skunks. + +Which, naturally, was quite often. + +It was not exactly the best of timing, then, when If I Am To Bathe In Dreams, an elegant, if severe-looking, skunk arrived late on a Saturday afternoon on a few minutes' notice and bowed formally to the three of them. + +``Ioan, I believe Jonas hired you as an amanuensis?'' she said. + +``He did, yes. Do you need me for that, too?'' + +``Please. This story is not over, will not be over for a long time yet. Listen. Watch.'' + +Sasha immediately picked up on the mood and stood up straight after returning the formal bow. She offered In Dreams a seat and something to drink, both of which were declined, then said, ``How may I help you?'' + +``I have a request from both my stanza and that of Memory Is A Mirror Of Hammered Silver. You will also be presented with this request in writing as an individual-eyes-only message.'' + +Sasha nodded. ``I understand.'' + +``We request no contact from you, your stanza, or the Bălan clade moving forward.'' + +``Wait, what?'' Ioan said. May edged around a little ways behind em, clutching at eir arm. + +``You are too entangled in the matter. No contact with this situation means no contact from you, May Then My Name Die With Me, or E.W. \emph{né} Do I Know God After The End Waking. This request is in effect until further notice, and applies to our stanzas on Castor and Pollux as well, where Dear, Also, The Tree That Was Felled will be presented with the same request. None of us are on Artemis, but I will also be passing this on to Sorina Bălan. This includes general intraclade communication; we will add visibility exceptions to our messages and request that you do the same.'' + +``I understand, accept, and offer you my best,'' Sasha said, bowing once more. + +``I do not want your best,'' In Dreams said, voice flat. ``Ioan?'' + +Ey blinked, hesitated, then bowed in turn. ``I understand and accept.'' + +``And May Then My Name?'' + +It took the skunk a moment to swallow back a rising wave of emotions before she could manage a shaky nod and a hoarse, ``Understood.'' + +``We are of one mind, then,'' she said, bowed, and stepped from the sim. A few seconds later, three sheets of paper scrolled out of the air above the dining table, all set as individual-eyes-only for each of them. Ioan read through eirs several times with a hollow feeling in eir chest. + +Sasha stood still for a long minute, head bowed, then stepped outside without a word, at which point May burst into tears. + +Ioan did eir best to comfort her, but after an hour, she gently pushed em away. ``I need\ldots I need the house to myself, please.'' + +``Should I head to Douglas's?'' + +She shook her head. ``I do not know, Ioan. I just\ldots I just need the house. If you can\ldots I mean, if Sasha will let you stay at her tent, you can stay, but I need the house.'' + +``Now?'' + +Nodding, she wrapped her arms around em and squeezed tighter than ey knew she could. ``I love you more than anything, my dear, but yes. Now.'' + +Ey waited until ey could breathe properly after the squeeze, then kissed the top of her head. ``I love you too, May. Please be safe, okay?'' + +She nodded once more, relinquished her grip on em, and nudged em out toward the back door and outside. + +Sasha had set up a tent similar to E.W.'s, though she had skipped the process of building it herself, instead creating from similar materials off the exchange. She'd set it up nearly on the other side of the lake from their house, so that she could have the solitude that she needed without having to create some new sim of her own. When the need for space struck her, it never quite got to the point that it did with E.W. She would need away from their presences, she would say. They felt like a constant weight on her shoulders. Light, yes, but continually present. + +Ah well. This was the first time that May had overflowed in this living situation—and so dramatically, too—so perhaps it would be helpful after all. + +Ey took eir time walking around the shore of the lake, using it to vent the emotions that had built up over the last few hours through tears, through shouting into a cone of silence, cursing. + +``Ioan? Goodness,'' Sasha said. + +Ey'd managed to mostly clean up with a handkerchief, though clearly eir eyes were still red-rimmed and eir countenance\ldots well, who knew? Glum, perhaps? + +``Hi Sasha,'' ey said, sitting down on the step leading up into the tent. The skunk had been writing at the small desk she'd acquired, but she moved to join em. ``May's not in a good spot. She suggested I stay with you, if that's alright.'' + +She frowned, nodded. ``That bad?'' + +``Well, she kind of kicked me out of the house, yeah.'' + +She laid her ears flat. ``We are perhaps both overflowing in our own ways.'' + +``Oh, shit. I wasn't thinking. Douglas--'' Ey moved to stand, but she grabbed eir wrist. + +``I had seen this coming, if I am honest, so it is not hitting me quite so hard as her. I will be okay.'' + +Ey nodded, slowly settled back onto the step. ``If you say so.'' + +Sasha patted eir hand and bade em stay while she got up to stoke up the fire in her stove and fry up a simple meal of potatoes and vegetables. Ey couldn't tell if it was just bland—as E.W. preferred—or if eir mind was too busy to process taste, so ey mostly just pushed the food around on the plate. + +``Without contraries is no progression,'' Sasha murmured after they'd finished. ``Attraction and repulsion, reason and energy, love and hate, are necessary to human existence.'' + +Ey started to ask what she meant, paused, then looked the words up in the perisystem architecture. ``Blake? And here I thought you all were mostly into Dickinson.'' + +She chuckled and elbowed em in the side. ``This may be a True Name thing.'' + +``Are you leaning into the ``Good is the passive that obeys reason; Evil is the active springing from Energy'' on this, then?'' + +``Nothing is so simple, dear,'' she said, shaking her head. ``Blake was not of our kind, he would not have understood. He did get that right, though, in that we are a people of dualities. May sees in Zacharias all that she cannot—must not—be. In Dreams and Hammered Silver see in me that which they are not—could not be—and yet we are not what we are without our opposites. Every idea's opposite is just the absence of the idea itself.'' + +``Maybe.'' Ey sighed. ``It's all a bit over my head.'' + +``I am also a little bit all over the place,'' she admitted. ``These events have me going in three different directions at once. The Ode clade is crumbling and I cannot deny that some\ldots that much of that is on me. I am sorry, Ioan.'' + +``I don't even know what to think about that,'' ey said, shaking eir head. ``It's kind of a lot.'' + +``That it is. You are a good person, though. You love your partner. She knows this. I know this. You are good to her and it will all be okay. We may hope for neat endings but all we get are more beginnings.'' She smiled, adding, ``And yes, you may stay until she is feeling better.'' diff --git a/mitzvot/content/old/037.tex b/mitzvot/content/old/037.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..0ba2380 --- /dev/null +++ b/mitzvot/content/old/037.tex @@ -0,0 +1,225 @@ +\begin{center}\rule{0.5\linewidth}{0.5pt}\end{center} + +May's stint of overflowing only lasted two nights. Something about the change in context, though, about staying with Sasha instead of Douglas, made everything feel tenuous, delicate. Ioan found it difficult to sleep on the padded cot that she'd added to the tent, and eventually, she must have grown tired of hearing em toss and turn (and perhaps mumble to emself), for she sleepily climbed out of her own bed and into eirs, curling up with em after confirming that it was alright. + +Unexpected, perhaps, but by then ey was too frustrated and exhausted to think of anything else. The added comfort certainly worked in getting em to sleep, to the point where ey slept in until a ray of sun, creeping slowly, fell across eir face and warmed em awake. + +Sasha had apparently woken up earlier in the morning and snuck away, as there was a lukewarm cup of camp coffee sitting by the edge of eir bed and no skunk to be found. + +Ah well, at least the coffee was good (if gritty) and ey felt better rested than ey had before. + +Ey met up with her at the shore of the lake where they talked for a bit, though it was clear that she was antsy to head out into the woods on her own, so ey eventually shooed her off, to which she bowed gratefully and said, ``My notes are on my desk. If you get bored, I would appreciate your feedback.'' + +Ey spent the rest of the abbreviated day reading through what she'd written, making a mental list of ideas and suggestions to pass on to her when things were a little less hectic. + +That night was much the same, with the two of them talking until it was well and truly dark, then settling into their own beds until sleeplessness led to them curling together in one. + +A ping from May shortly after sunrise woke em, and the jolt startled Sasha awake as well. + +``Uh, sorry,'' ey mumbled, extricating eir arms from around her. ``May pinged.'' + +Sasha levered herself up and squinted out into the orange and pink of dawn. ``How is she up before me?'' she grumbled. + +``Probably because she got good sleep and I kept you up being a mope.'' + +She shrugged noncommittally, yawned. ``Slept well enough later on, at least. Did she say anything?'' + +Ey shook eir head. ``No, just a ping. No real urgency, though. Surprised I didn't sleep through it.'' + +``You are appropriately keyed to her, dear. I would be surprised if you did.'' + +``Mm, fair enough,'' ey said, grinding the heels of eir palms against eir eyes. To May, ey sent a ping in response, plus a subvocalized, ``\emph{You okay?}'' + +``\emph{Better, yes,}'' came the reply. ``\emph{I am feeling quite bad about sending you off like that. Not about waking you up, though. You sound cute when you are groggy.}'' + +Ey snorted, shook eir head. ``Yeah, she's fine,'' ey said. + +Sasha surprised em by joining em on the trek back to the house, saying only, ``I have been worried, as well.'' + +May greeted them at the balcony with steaming mugs of coffee. She declined a hug, stating that she felt gross, but did at least press her nose to Ioan's, and then to Sasha's cheek. + +``Thank you for giving me some space,'' she said. ``I was not expecting the both of you, but I am happy to see you two all the same.'' + +``Of course, May. I'm just happy to see you doing better. Or happier, at least. You look a mess.'' + +She scoffed and gestured a paw down at herself. ``I look perfectly fine, thank you very much.'' + +``You look a mess, dear,'' Sasha confirmed. ``You need a shower, a change of clothes, and perhaps another four hours of sleep.'' + +May sighed, nodded. ``I do at that. All the same, the wave has crested and gone, and now perhaps I can relax enough to do so. Coffee first, though. + +They settled on deck chairs for Sasha's sake and focused on said coffee for a bit, watching the dawn. It was good to be back to coffee that didn't require straining out the occasional percolated ground through one's teeth. + +``Are you two okay?'' May said at last. + +``Tired, but that's easily fixed. Looking forward to a real bed tonight.'' + +Sasha poked at eir knee with a dull claw. ``The tent beds are not \emph{that} bad.'' + +``No, they're fine, but they still pale in comparison to our bed.'' + +``Well, yes, I will admit that.'' + +May looked between the two, then laughed. ``I take it this setup worked for me taking some space?'' + +Ioan shrugged. ``Well enough, sure. It's nice to have another option that isn't just crashing at Douglas's.'' + +``It was fine, dear,'' Sasha added. ``If ever either of you need some space, feel free to kick the other down to the tent and I will make it work.'' + +``I am glad,'' May said. ``Earnestly. Ioan was such a solitary creature that I did not ever picture having neighbors when I moved in all those years ago. It is nice to have a friend close by.'' + +``Aren't all of your friends equally close now that--'' + +Sasha cut em off, shaking her head. ``Ioan, do you remember how I said that I feel others' presence around me like a weight on my shoulders?'' + +Ey nodded. + +``I think it is rather like that, though do correct me if I am wrong, May. Even when I am hiding away in my tent, I am still more present than a friend out of sim is.'' + +``Basically,'' May said. ``Never mind one who knows me so intimately now.'' + +Sasha nodded, hesitated, then said, ``On that note, are \emph{you} okay?'' + +``I\ldots well,'' she began, sighed, and shook her head. ``I am upset, and I am disappointed that I am upset. I was so ready to be done with hatred, but I am stuck with yet more of it. Hatred from In Dreams, hatred of Zacharias, hatred in myself. More than the experiences with In Dreams and Zacharias, that feeling is what led to the past few days of tears. I thought that I was done.'' + +``I understand. While I am thinking of it, I would like to talk with you about Zacharias at some point—nothing serious, just strategizing future meltdowns of his. Ioan said he kept trying to force merges on you just to get your attention.'' + +May winced. ``Ugh, yeah. I have never felt something so intensely\ldots I do not know. It felt like a violation of my personal space on a subatomic level. What were you thinking?'' + +Sasha tilted her head. ``Now? I was going to suggest in a few days time, once you were feeling better.'' + +``Why not? I am already a mess, I am already thinking about him, and after this, I would like more than `a few days time' completely disengaged from the topic.'' She giggled, adding, ``Besides, the more I have to dump on Sarah the next time I see her the better, right?'' + +``I do not think it works that way, but I am not so much of a brat as you.'' Sasha finished her coffee, set the mug down with a sense of finality, and nodded. ``Well, I suppose I am awake enough. If you do not mind, Ioan, may I steal your partner for a little bit longer? I would like to keep this first discussion between us, though I will ensure that you remain caught up. There is some\ldots history behind this she should know.'' + +``Are you up for forking, May?'' + +She hesitated, then shook her head, pushing herself up from her chair to step around behind eirs. She bent down to hug around eir shoulders from behind, cheek pressed against eir own. ``I cannot cope with conflicts right now. I cannot yet work in parallel.'' + +Ey rested eir cheek against hers and frowned down to eir coffee for a few moments, sighed, then nodded. ``Alright, but I get the May for the rest of the day, okay?'' + +They both laughed. + +``Of course, Ioan,'' Sasha said. ``If you would like some company out on the balcony or something, I have no such compunctions about forking.'' + +Ey felt May nod against eir cheek. ``I am not pushing further solitude on you, my dear. Take some coffee and breakfast with you. I do not imagine we will be all that long.'' + +Still cognizant of her saying that she felt gross, ey patted one of her paws and turned eir head enough to kiss her on the cheek. ``Alright, that sounds good.'' + +Ey pulled together a breakfast of rolls to go along with a thermos of coffee, got one more nose-press of a kiss with May, and stepped back outside with an instance of Sasha. + +The house had been set up on a portion of the slope that was turned a little toward the west for sunset views, meaning that the sun was not yet hitting the balcony. Autumn had gotten chilly enough at night, though, that they decided instead to walk down to the boulder lakeside, which would almost certainly be in full sun, even if it was less comfortable than the deck chairs. + +They sat in silence, drinking their coffee and eating rolls with butter and honey. + +``Do you think you'll stay, Sasha?'' Ioan said, once the rhythm of the silence made room for conversation. + +``I am too much myself to say that I will stay forever, but as long as my room and tent are there, as long as you and May are comfortable with me being a part of your lives, I will be happy to call it home. Or at least \emph{a} home.'' + +``Really? No bigger and brighter things?'' + +She laughed and leaned over to touch her nose to eir cheek. ``This \emph{is} bigger and brighter things, Ioan.'' + +``Well, I'm sure we'll talk about it plenty, but I see no reason not to keep your room about, and your tent's certainly no trouble. I don't know what you overflowing will look like, but if it involves two thirds solitude and one third getting lost walking sims, I don't imagine you'll be around all the time.'' + +``Not at all, no. I will spend my share of time at the tent to be alone or out walking the world. Perhaps I will even ask you to double the rest of the house so that I can cook somewhere domestic, not just the wild.'' + +``Of course.'' Ey shrugged, tossing one of eir collected pebbles into the lake. ``Besides, I like having you around.'' + +``I am pleased to hear that. I had gathered such, but all the same, I would not want to be a bother.'' + +``Oh, not at all. It seems like we're all pretty good at sorting things out when they do come up, so I don't imagine it'll get to that point.'' + +``And I am not impinging too much on your and May's relationship?'' she asked, holding out her paw for one of eir pebbles. ``I am asking her, too, and we will continue to talk together, but I also want to ask you directly.'' + +Ey smiled, handing over the small rock. ``I don't think so. So long as we can still have time to ourselves when we need, I'll be happy.'' + +She tossed the pebble out into the water. ``Of course, dear.'' After a pause, she grinned and added, ``She is gushing about you now. She loves you very much, you know.'' + +Ioan chuckled. ``I love her too. I worry sometimes, but all I can do is trust her.'' + +``Yes. She will not betray that trust. I know to an extent just how much she means to you and to a much greater extent how much you mean to her.'' + +They sat in quiet for a while, tossing pebbles into the water until ey ran out. + +``Hey Sasha?'' + +``Mm?'' + +``Do you miss anything from before all this?'' + +She shrugged. ``It is hard to tell. As I have said, I liked being True Name. It was fulfilling. Every time I think about that now, though, it is intercut with memories of other happinesses. I will think about some particularly adroit political move and remember it fondly, but right along with it is a memory of a successful hunt or of making fun of you for your pen collection.'' + +Ey laughed. + +``In confidence?'' + +``Sure.'' + +``Do you remember when I asked May about how she cemented aspects of her personality by forking?'' + +``Mmhm.'' + +``There was one more change that I made during that meeting, which was to cement this triad of identities within me. It became who I am by accident, but it has become an integral part of me. I welcomed it in, owned it, made it a part of myself. I will ever be what I am.'' + +``Really? You're okay staying in three parts?'' + +``I am. I am happy to. I am \emph{excited} to. There is something pleasant about the just-off-center nature of that reality. It is home to me. I am Sasha, and I am also True Name, E.W., and May. I am of three minds.'' + +``So long as that works for you.'' + +``I think it will. It is a way to be earnestly myself.'' + +Ey nodded. ``And I'm guessing you don't miss the social part of that life too much? Jonas or Zacharias or the rest of your stanza.'' + +She poked at eir side with a claw. ``You do not need to ask stupid questions, Ioan.'' + +``Right, right,'' ey said, laughing. ``I figured no love lost, but--'' + +``I did not love any of them, as friends or otherwise,'' she said, waving away the rest of eir comment. ``Now that I have known other kinds of love, I am confident of that.'' + +Her tone wasn't upset or dismissive, but was assertive enough that ey dropped the point. ``Well, writing sounds like a good career shift, then.'' + +``Says the writer.'' She slouched against eir side. + +``I liked what you've gotten down so far, and I have a few notes. We'll talk about it when we're back at a desk, though.'' + +``Of course. I will be leaning on you a lot for help.'' + +``I mean, you're leaning on me now.'' + +``Smartass,'' she drawled. + +Ey grinned. ``I mean, no complaints. It's still a little surprising, sometimes. I guess on some level I'm still getting used to it, but May got me hooked on physical contact a long time ago.'' + +``A coordinated attack on your defenses, yes,'' she said. ``It makes my job easier.'' + +``What job?'' + +``Just finding a way to stick around friends. Nothing nefarious, dear.'' + +Ey shook eir head. ``Right, sorry. I trust you.'' + +``I agree with what May said, Ioan. Should I want anything beyond that, I will come by it honestly. I will not manipulate my way into anything.'' + +``I appreciate that.'' Ey hugged an arm around her. Ey was grateful for her looking out at the lake rather than at em, given the heat ey could feel rising to eir cheeks. ``While we're being honest, though, I think we're sort of in the same boat, given what you share with May. We can both imagine that, but not necessarily the path from here to there. May called it `the concept versus the mechanics'.'' + +``Precisely. I imagine the same applies to you, that you will come by it earnestly.'' + +Ey nodded. ``Basically. \emph{Is} it something you'd want?'' + +``God, I have no fucking clue, Ioan,'' she said, laughing. + +``Definitely same boat, then. It's a problem for future Ioan.'' + +They fell into silence again. Part of em was itching for more pebbles to toss into the water, but ey was too comfortable to get up to collect more from the beach. + +``That is a part of the reason that I kept that of my old cocladists,'' Sasha murmured. ``I kept some doubt from E.W., enough to keep me grounded without keeping me torn. From May, I am keeping a little bit of overwhelming emotions. The possibility of simply falling for everyone around me is alluring. I can taste it in the memories, like a little bit of saccharine, gritty on the tongue. But I am keeping a little bit of caution from True Name so that it remains a new thing for me. I am of three minds Like a tree In which there are three blackbirds.'' + +Ey turned her words over in eir mind, along with whatever snippet of verse it was she'd quoted. The thought was complete. Nothing ey could respond with would add to it. It was curious, and hinted at things beyond eir ken, but it was complete. + +Instead, ey said, ``You're a good person, Sasha. All three of you are good people.'' + +``And you, dear, are a dork.'' She laughed. ``But come, my tail is falling asleep, and my fork's conversation with May has wrapped up and she misses you greatly.'' + +They walked back, then, hand in paw, following the trail as it dipped down to the water or ducked up into the trees. Back home, back to May, back to whatever it was that life had become. diff --git a/mitzvot/content/old/038.tex b/mitzvot/content/old/038.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..a6dac79 --- /dev/null +++ b/mitzvot/content/old/038.tex @@ -0,0 +1,112 @@ +\hypertarget{debarre-2350}{% +\section{Debarre --- 2350}\label{debarre-2350}} + +Debarre was still mostly full from dinner at home, but he had a few bites of fish forked from End Waking's plate. Tasty, but, as always, lacking in salt. + +After they ate, End Waking tasked Debarre with washing off the plate while he tucked another small log into the stove and started the kettle for tea, which they shared while sitting on the step at the entrance to the tent, keeping the last of the spring chill away. + +``So, my political junkie friends aside, do you have a better idea of what's going on with Jonas and company?'' + +End Waking shrugged. ``A little, perhaps. I think it is this upcoming audio-video tech. I do not think he wanted--'' + +``Moment,'' Debarre said, holding up a paw while he sent a hasty message back home. ``Sorry. We'd been guessing at that, just sent a confirmation. Done now.'' + +``Please do not act on it yet, my dear.'' + +So serious was the skunk's tone that Debarre set down his mug and turned to face him. ``I won't, but you gotta tell me why.'' + +``I am going to be at this meeting. I should probably not even know about their AVEC, but I do because of True Name.'' + +``And given you and I, there's probably only one place I'd get it,'' he guessed and, when the skunk nodded, sent another message back home. ``You sure this place is secure, then? And you're sending a fork, right?'' + +``Yes and yes.'' + +``Good.'' + +End Waking smiled. ``I know that you do, but it is always pleasing to have confirmation that you think so much of me, Debarre.'' + +``Of course I do,'' he scoffed. ``But I interrupted, sorry. You were saying?'' + +``Right. With this AVEC technology, I think that Jonas sees an opening to edge True Name out. I do not know why, but she mentioned something about a diversity of governance across Systems. I do not agree with him on this. I think he is playing a dangerous game by treating each of the Systems so differently. Each System treating itself as a separate country is one thing, but potentially destabilizing them by forcing upon each a different form of governance feels like him treating politics as his personal plaything. I do not like it.'' + +The longer End Waking spoke, the deeper Debarre's frown got. ``Yeah, ever since they set up that Guiding Council thing over on Pollux, we've been wondering about that. It sounds innocuous enough. Reasonably close to the Council of Ten over on Artemis, I guess, at least on the surface. Just folks you can go talk to about disagreements and mediation. That part was inoffensive, but that they would even do such a thing in the face of the \emph{History} is just wild.'' + +End Waking shrugged. ``You know more than I on that end. I do not keep up with either LV beyond what you and Ioan care to pass on. There are messages from the clade, but you know my feelings on them.'' + +``Mmhm.'' Debarre hesitated, then added, ``Though if you do wind up going through them and come across any juicy details about those politics you don't care about, you could always share them with me.'' + +He laughed and shook his head. ``Should my life become so boring, you will have more to worry about, my love. I am better at being a pest than you give me credit for.'' + +``Fine. I'll just get them from May Then My Name.'' + +``You will have to put up with her ceaseless flirting.'' + +Debarre grinned. ``I'm pretty well used to it by now. You're really going to go to this thing, though?'' + +End Waking nodded, chewing on a mouthful of tisane-bits. ``Yes.'' + +``Why, though? Isn't that gonna be dangerous? Never mind totally outside your interest. It'll all be politics.'' + +The skunk was a long time in answering, staring out into the forest and listening to the far-away rush of the waterfall. ``There is what Jonas hopes to accomplish and what I hope to learn. Jonas, I think, would like to gloat. He would like it known that he can loop even me into his plans. He would like even me, even the recluse, scared so that he may use me as a lever over True Name if she is to come out of this alive.'' + +``And me.'' + +``And you, yes. I do not doubt that even he knows what you are up to these days, though I do not know to what extent.'' He poked around in his mug to hunt down the last of the gooseberries. ``I am pleased that you are so careful. I worry about you.'' + +Debarre sat, silent. The comment all but demanded silence from him, so rare was any expression of worry from his boyfriend. + +``I will be going because if this is to be the end of True Name then it will be a step towards letting go. It will be an in for me to become independent. If I am to move beyond that which defines me, I would like to know how.'' + +``Still thinking of cutting your ties? Dropping the clade name?'' + +End Waking shrugged. ``Would that be so bad? May Then My Name would become simply a friend, rather than a cocladist. True Name would become someone I know rather than a down-tree instance. I do not speak with the others. Serene, perhaps? But even then, it has been many years. It would not change my relationship with you. The forest will not care if I am an Odist or if I am not. To it, I am called Nobody, and when I die and moulder beneath the roots, then it will say that it feasts on Nobody.'' + +Debarre sighed. Hearing End Waking talk so much was a rarity, but that the death-thoughts were still there meant it'd be a while yet before he'd be allowed back to stay. + +``And AwDae? The Name?'' he asked. As he always did when Debarre said their friend's name, the skunk stiffened, hunched his shoulders, and drew his hood up over his head. All the same, he'd made it a point to say it at least once per visit. There had been a row the first few times, but he'd won on the point that AwDae had been his friend, too. + +``I do not know, Debarre. That is, I think, the one thing that I will ever defer to True Name on.'' + +He snorted. ``Really?'' + +``If she, of all of us, were ever to feel comfortable speaking it, talking about em, then I will know that this embargo will have been lifted.'' + +``Well, fair,'' the weasel said, finishing his tea before handing the mug back to End Waking to let the skunk snack on the remnants. He'd never really enjoyed them enough to do so himself. ``I'm happy for you, you know that?'' + +End Waking laughed, swallowing the spent lemon balm and mint he'd been chewing. ``Happy?'' + +``Yeah. Like\ldots{}'' Debarre trailed off, hunting for words. ``I've never seen you move forward so much all at once. Or at all, really. Like, it's not a bad thing to have a life that you're happy with, but watching you work on the things you \emph{weren't} happy with is nice to see. Kinda glad May Then My Name talked you into the merge, honestly.'' + +``It has brought me a lightness, yes. She is meddlesome, but kind-hearted.'' + +``You're telling me. She gave me rules of engagement when I first showed up. Thought she was being weird, but they worked pretty well.'' + +``She is a brat.'' + +Debarre laughed. ``You all are. But hey, I should get going.'' + +The slight sag in End Waking's shoulders spoke of relief. He nodded, saying, ``Of course. Thank you for the chance to talk.'' + +``You'll let me know when you're going out to this meeting, right?'' + +``Of course.'' + +``And you promise you'll send a fork?'' + +``I will.'' + +``And call if you need?'' + +``Debarre, shut up,'' End Waking said, patting his knee. ``Go. I will keep you up to date.'' + +``Okay, okay, I'm going.'' He gave the skunk's paw a squeeze and grinned. ``Love you.'' + +``Love you too.'' + +Debarre quit, rather than bothering with stepping back home. The pile of experiences caught his down-tree instance in the middle of a sentence --- thankfully something unimportant --- and he had to spend a minute reconciling the memories with the ones he'd made since. + +``Well, that was interesting.'' + +``Fuck,'' user11824 said. ``I was worried you'd say something like that.'' + +He laughed. ``You're right to worry. Shit's gonna get really weird here. Life'll get both more and less simple real quick.'' diff --git a/mitzvot/content/old/039.tex b/mitzvot/content/old/039.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d08aa4e --- /dev/null +++ b/mitzvot/content/old/039.tex @@ -0,0 +1,484 @@ +\hypertarget{ioan-bux103lan-2350}{% +\section{Ioan Bălan --- 2350}\label{ioan-bux103lan-2350}} + +Ioan quickly began to wish for boredom. They'd made it into April and so many things had happened. Assassination attempts, centuries of merging, overflowing\ldots{} + +Ey just wanted to be bored. + +At least they'd settled into a routine once more, and it was far more comfortable than either of the previous ones --- when True Name had first moved in, and then after End Waking's merge --- so ey couldn't complain too much. + +True Name managed May's merge much more easily than she had End Waking's, and ey could see now the benefits of that week of negotiation beforehand. May had whispered to em one night about the final merge with Michelle and Sasha, about memories crashing down in a cascade of centuries and just how mad that final instance of True Name must have been in those final moments. Even with just one merge, she still occasionally mentioned a pressing memory or two from End Waking demanding attention two months later. + +It was just another part of the routine. A rocky routine, and an exciting one, but still a routine. + +It wasn't all bad, of course. For every talk they had about meeting with Jonas or what role Zacharias played or some boundary one of them had crossed, there were still the pleasant meals, the shared quiet, and, ey had to admit, ey rather liked who True Name had shaped herself into. + +Ey had certainly liked who she used to be, of course, though in a vastly different way --- three years of coffee dates stood as testament to that. A large part of this, ey'd realized, came with just how much more settled in herself she was. Even that drive she cherished about herself had been tempered into something smoother, less laser-sharp. She was more well-rounded, more able to relax, more able to work without it occupying the whole of her. + +The weirdest part, though, had to be sleep. They spent two nights staying with True Name while she processed first the memories and then the conflicts before trying to go back to sleeping separately. + +She spent the next day distracted and out of sorts, first begging off breakfast to sit outside, then joining them in the den before getting anxious and slipping off to go lay down again. That night, she woke them a few hours after they'd gone to bed, tearfully asking to join them. + +``This is so fucking stupid. I feel like a fucking kid,'' she'd said between sniffles. ``I am sorry.'' + +May had shushed her and held up the covers for her to climb in, letting her settle back into much the same position she had those first two nights. + +It had certainly worked well enough, with Ioan rising at eir usual eight o'clock while the two skunks slept in for another hour. Later that day, May had instructed --- or perhaps reminded --- her how to get at least some comfort out of sleeping curled up with a fork. + +Still, once a week or so, they'd wake to her asking to join them, and eventually Ioan had given in and expanded their own bed by a half meter to make it roomier when she did. She'd at least been quite understanding when May had requested that it not be every night. + +Ey was unsure of eir feelings on the matter. On the one hand, it was still intensely weird to see True Name, of all people, openly seeking affection and a shared bed, and stranger still to see May welcoming that. + +On the other, the nights when she joined them weren't unpleasant, even if it would be a while before ey was used to sharing a bed with anyone other than May. This was to say nothing about the shyness ey felt about eir body. The first few times she had joined them, ey had wrapped emself up in a sheet before leaving the bed to maintain some sense of modesty, though given that these nights had usually meant the skunks slept in, ey eventually gave up on that. + +They'd all begun seeing Sarah regularly again, which was a relief. The three of them had even met with her together on one occasion, discussing the path that had led them here and sharing some of their thoughts on how things had wound up in a structured session. + +Ioan found eir own sessions particularly helpful when it came to disentangling eir thoughts on the past. Sarah had urged em to trace eir relationship not just with True Name or May, but with the entire Ode clade from that first message of Dear's through to the present, charting eir feelings about each of them and how they differed or were the same. It helped to pull apart what it was that ey liked about them as well as what it was that left em stressed, exasperated, or just plain tired from their interactions. + +Ey didn't know what the two skunks talked about in their sessions, whether apart or together, but it seemed productive. Not always pleasant, granted: both were left in tears after a few meetings. + +Still, through it all ey was genuinely pleased to see them happy, or at least on their way to happiness. + +Ey just needed boredom and ey needed out. + +It took some convincing --- on all three of their parts, since ey needed to convince emself as much as True Name and May --- but eventually, Ioan worked up the courage to leave the house, seeking out some much needed solitude, even if it was only in the anonymity of public spaces. + +The coffee shop ey'd frequented for so long may have been safe, but given that eir last visit had included an attempt on a friend's life, ey opted instead for an afternoon in a library. System Central Library, eir usual haunt, also felt fraught, given its association with all of those meetings with Jonas and so many others during the research for the \emph{History}, so ey chose one ey'd never been to before from the directory. Besides, the information was technically available anywhere, libraries just provided a familiar physical location to access it, a social place for gathering around the topic of information, and some physical tools used for manipulating that information that individuals rarely had room for. + +Beyond that, though, it was the very idea of the space that appealed to em and so many others. Ey'd long ago let go of eir desire to be a librarian. Codrin\#Pollux had that covered, and ey'd made eir choice, influenced as it was by eir life with May, to settle into theatre. + +That didn't remove the appeal, though. Ey could still go to the building and wander through the stacks, dragging fingertips along the spines of books or poring over maps. Ey could still go sit beside a window with a book ey may not even like and, if nothing else, enjoy the sun. + +This library had eschewed the flashy exterior of eir normal haunt, that glass-walled cube, opting instead for a low and flat structure, one that took its majesty from the way it sprawled out over its campus, buildings connected by breezeways or tunnels, scattered seemingly at random in such a way as to form irregular courtyards full of benches, gardens, or, in one notable case, a small gallery ey initially mistook for another garden, but for the fact that all of the foliage was made of glass. + +Ey liked it immensely. + +The busiest section of the library was far and away the wing that had been built to house the massive information dump from Artemis. This took the form of a squat, pentagonal building --- one wall for each Artemisian race and one for their shared knowledge --- that bored its way deep into the ground, a slow-sloping spiral winding down along the shelves to allow visitors to browse their way back in time until, at the very bottom, only firstrace had any material. Translation efforts would be running for decades to come, but there was more to read every day. + +Ey stayed away from this for the day. Ey wanted cozy, not awe-inspiring. + +Finally, having loaded up on a few random finds --- trashy sci-fi, some contemporary phys-side fiction from decades after ey'd uploaded, even a bit of furry fiction from early in the 21st century ey considered bringing home to show May --- ey parked emself in the glass garden and arrayed the books out before em on the table. + +The sci-fi proved to be a little \emph{too} trashy for eir tastes, and while the contemporary fiction was certainly intriguing, it was far too dense for reading when ey was trying to have a lighter, easier day. The furry book struck a nice middle-ground, at least, even if ey couldn't keep the species straight in eir head. + +Eventually, though, ey gave up and just sat in the sun, watching the way it filtered through the glass leaves and branches of the trees. + +\emph{No better way to realize just how tense you are than by relaxing,} ey thought. + +Ey imagined the two skunks also would appreciate some time out of the house, too. Doubtless there were some sims they could visit that would be reasonably safe. Douglas's field, End Waking's forest\ldots well, no longer Arrowhead Lake. + +``Hi Serene,'' ey began, starting up the simplex sensorium message before ey lost both the nerve and the train of thought. ``I know it's been a while since we've spoken, so I hope you're well. I have a strange question that might turn into a really big request. After some\ldots very dramatic events, one of our favorite places is no longer safe for us. I guess that's what happens when you just kind of adopt an abandoned sim without knowing much about it. + +``Still, it's become personally meaningful to us over the years, and we're finding ourselves missing it. I don't know if we necessarily need a copy of it, but would it be possible for you to come take a look at it and see about what all would go into creating something similar? It'd be a modification of my home sim. There's no rush, and if nothing else, it'd be good to say hi sometime. Talk soon.'' + +Further reading was largely a failure. Ey couldn't get back into any of the books ey'd started, and a certain listlessness tamped down any desire to head back to the shelves to hunt more. Ey left them on a page's cart, an act that almost certainly just recycled the physical instances, and hunted down a cafe. + +Serene sent a gentle sensorium ping just as ey picked up eir tea. + +Ey quickly stepped into another courtyard --- this one full of actual greenery, hot and humid --- in order to reply. ``Hi, Serene. Thanks for getting back to me.'' + +``No problem,'' she said, the lack of any smile in her voice quite conspicuous. ``Thank you for thinking of me.'' + +``Of course, no one better.'' + +``Flatterer,'' she replied, a hint of the usual humor returning. It quickly fled. ``Are you in a place where you can speak freely?'' + +``I\ldots well, give me a moment, and I will make sure of that.'' + +Ey stepped home quickly, stopping in the entryway to sweep emself. No spies. \emph{Thank God,} ey thought. \emph{Wouldn't have put it past them to bug me at the library.} + +Blinking a visually secured cone of silence into being, ey spoke into the sensorium message. ``Okay, secure now.'' + +Serene laughed, ``Oh, I had just meant away from crowds, no need to go through this much trouble.'' + +``Well, given all that's been going on\ldots{}'' + +There was the sense of a sigh on the other end of the message. ``Yes, I suppose you are right. That is why I messaged you back, actually. While it is certainly feasible and I would ordinarily be more than happy, I am not yet ready to engage with True Name.'' + +``That's fair,'' ey said after a pause. ``I know things are complicated. Do you know of any--'' + +``Oh goodness, I did not say I would not do it! I will, just\ldots not yet. Please give me some time, my dear.'' + +Ey frowned, looking down at eir shoes as ey scuffed one against the parquet floor. ``Right, okay. May I ask how you're feeling about this, then? I've had precious little contact with\ldots well, anyone.'' + +There was another sigh. ``I do not know yet, Ioan. I am not unhappy for her. I am not displeased that things are coming to a head with Jonas, as that will mean there will be a change, for better or worse. I am just not yet able to engage.'' + +``Of course.'' + +``Give me the address of the sim, at least. I will take a look and let you know what I think.'' + +``Peak Lake\#587a9383.'' + +``Seriously?'' Serene laughed. ``I have not heard that address in decades.'' + +``Wait, did you--'' + +``It is not mine, no, but a student of mine made it. I do not imagine they still have ACLs, but I will ask.'' + +Ey shook eir head. ``You guys seriously have your hands in everything, don't you?'' + +``It is not \emph{not} true.'' + +``There are billions of people here, I don't know how that'd even be possible.'' + +``How many sim designers focusing on nature do you think there are?'' + +``I haven't the faintest.'' + +``Well, how many of \emph{us} do you think there are?'' + +``Right.'' Ey smirked. ``\,`Nominally' a hundred.'' + +``There you go,'' she said, voice sly. ``We are old and we are many.'' + +``I bet,'' ey laughed. ``Well, thanks for considering the request. I got something off the exchange that is less than ideal, and I miss that place. It's just got bugs.'' + +``Gross.'' + +``Very. Keep in touch, okay?'' + +``Will do, my dear. Say hi for me.'' + +And with that, the message ended. Ey straightened up, went to rub at eir face, realized ey was still holding the cup of tea from the library, and turned the motion into taking a sip. + +Ey dropped the cone of silence and let out a shout. The ACLs had blurred the area outside the cone enough that the sight of two skunks standing just outside its edge, staring intently at em and whispering to each other caught em off guard. + +``What the hell?'' + +Both skunks laughed. + +``We could ask you the same, my dear,'' May said, stepping up to get her arms around eir middle. ``What an awkward place to have a conversation.'' + +``I had to get somewhere secure,'' ey said, voice muffled as ey placed a kiss between her ears. ``Serene says hi, by the way.'' + +``What were you talking about that required security?'' True Name asked, still grinning. + +``Nothing too serious, actually. Just an abundance of caution, there. I was seeing what it would take to get our own copy of Arrowhead Lake.'' + +Both skunks perked up at that. ``Is that something she can do?'' True Name asked. + +``Apparently one of her students made it, so she's going to ask and see if they have ACLs. Otherwise, she said she's happy to make something similar down the line. Maybe once this is all over.'' + +True Name nodded. ``I will look forward to it. The field is fine for now when I get restless, but I miss the lake.'' + +Ey nodded. ``Same. You going to let me in, May?'' + +``Absolutely not,'' she said. ``You will have to pick me up and carry me if you would like to enter your own home.'' + +Ioan poked at her side until ey found a ticklish spot. ``Such a brat.'' + +She giggled and shoved herself away from em. ``Rude. Come on, my dear. I have been pestering True Name with my monologue, and we are both bored loopy. Tell us about your excursion.'' + +Ey was chivvied into the living room and sat down on the beanbag so that May could slouch against eir side while True Name claimed a spot on the couch. Ey described the seemingly endless library and all its odd-shaped courtyards, then talked about each of the books ey'd picked up --- the only one either seemed interested in was the furry one, though neither had heard of it --- finally ending with, ``It was good to get out. Like, really good. Got me wondering, though, how are you two doing cooped up here?'' + +May groaned and slumped dramatically back onto the beanbag. ``I am frankly losing my mind. I want to get back to the theatre. I do not even need to be performing, I would not mind even building sets or just falling asleep on that ratty old couch in the dressing room. I miss the stage. I miss the people. I miss drinking until two with Vos and A Finger Pointing. I miss restaurants, Ioan. \emph{Restaurants.}'' + +``Getting sick of my cooking?'' + +``It is the experience I miss. Your cooking is fine.'' She hesitated, then shrugged. ``Though you are not very good at sushi.'' + +``Do you feel like you are not able to leave?'' True Name asked. ``I do not think you would be in danger.'' + +``I would not wish to test that.'' May shrugged. ``It has me anxious that both Jonas and so many of us are out there and have so much out for you. They may not be after me in particular, but I do not want to encounter any of them at the moment.'' + +Ey nodded. ``What about friends' sims? You've been to End Waking's and Douglas's since Secession day, but I'm sure there are others who'd be willing to sweep and have you over just to get out of the house. Hell, I bet Debarre would love to see you, and he seems the paranoid sort, anyway.'' + +She laughed and squirmed around until she was laying on her front, tail draped over eir lap. ``You are right, as always. I will ping one of them at some point.'' + +A motion from the couch drew eir eye. True Name slumping over onto her side and stretching out. ``So many names,'' she said, voice distant. ``I have not seen Debarre in centuries, and yet I saw him just a few weeks ago. I have not met Douglas and yet I know him well.'' + +``You will see them one day, my dear,'' May said. ``I do not know when, but I do not doubt you will.'' + +``Not today. Not yet,'' True Name mumbled. The skunk shook her head, then smiled over to May and Ioan. ``But \emph{you} should, May. Go visit the field and Douglas. Go make fun of End Waking for his cooking. Go sit too close to Debarre and make eyes at him until he squirms.'' + +May laughed. ``I do not know if End Waking has welcomed Debarre back, or I would get to do both at once.'' + +``Of course. Do not lose your mind when you have options yet. I will have the plain. I will have the deck. I will have planning to do, and I can lean on experience from End Waking.'' + +May looked to Ioan, who said, ``I'm with True Name on this. Go on, get out of here.'' + +``Will you not come with?'' + +Ey shrugged. ``I don't know. That's not what we're discussing, though. We're trying to figure out how to get you out of the house.'' + +She smirked. ``Pushing me out the door, now?'' + +``No, of course not,'' ey said, ruffling a hand over her ears. ``Just making sure you get what you need, too.'' + +``I am,'' True Name said lazily, still stretched out on the couch. ``I have been you, I have a guess as to how you might be feeling.'' + +``I would call this mean if you were not both right,'' May said, waving a paw dismissively. ``Give me a moment, then.'' + +When the skunk went silent, True Name looked to Ioan, who shrugged. + +``Alright,'' May said. ``Would you like to do dinner with Debarre, my dear? He invited me over a while back, and I am taking him up on that.'' + +``Wait, tonight?'' + +``He is free, so why not?'' + +Ey furrowed eir brow. ``I was expecting in a few days or so. Maybe, I guess?'' + +``You do not have to, Ioan,'' she chided. ``I know you enjoy alone time as much as anyone.'' + +``Well, ask me before you head out, then, maybe I'll get some work done in the interim.'' + +She leaned up to dot her nose against eir cheek a few times, laughing. ``It is nearly six. I was going to head out now.'' + +``Wait, really?'' Ey frowned, twisting around to see the light slowly fading outside. ``Damn.'' + +``Just stay. Do your work. Enjoy a bit more solitude.'' + +``Alright, alright.'' + +She stood up and stretched, padding over to brush some of True Name's head-fur into order. ``And you enjoy your time outdoors. Or melting on the couch, or whatever it is you are doing.'' + +``Mm. Do enjoy yourself, May.'' + +Once May had changed her clothes and stepped away, a few long minutes of silence fell. Ioan finished eir tea. True Name got lost in thought, or perhaps dozed. + +It was, ey realized, the first time they'd been alone together in weeks. The three of them had been cooped up together since both skunks had overflowed. The circumstances had rather forced their hands in the matter, at least until today. + +There was some lingering discomfort in the air, though, some careful distance between them. Something about what memories True Name had of em --- something ey couldn't possibly know --- and what that meant for them still made its presence known. It wasn't that they hadn't interacted. Far from it, actually. She'd opened up far more than ey'd expected after the merge, watching May practice her monologue, talking about the decades and centuries before ey'd known her, about the time lost between her and the `other side of the clade', about the root of fear that drove the Odists through the centuries. And it wasn't as though they'd not touched. Though far from intimate, the nights she'd spent in their bed were beyond simple casual touches. + +But it was all still very cautious. Those nights felt like a necessity borne out of overwhelming emotion. She and May had touched plenty --- True Name had taken to resting her head in the other skunk's lap, enjoying doting affection --- but she'd maintained a sheen of that True Name-brand polite professionalism with em. Friendly, to be sure, but still distant. + +\emph{You can just ask, too, you know.} + +``Hey, True Name?'' + +``Mm?'' + +``Have things been awkward since the merge?'' + +She yawned and levered herself up to a sitting position again, rubbing her eyes. She looked like she'd dozed off. ``Awkward how?'' + +``Well, I mean, we spent all that time talking about May and I's relationship beforehand, and how that would impact you.'' Ey pushed emself up to sitting on the beanbag as well, adding, ``Which I have no clue how to feel about, to be clear. Just asking.'' + +``Well, we are of one mind on that front, at least,'' she said, smiling. ``I have no idea, dear. I am\ldots I remain confused about the conflicting memories. Something about the base of my experience of you from the point of view of me \emph{qua} True Name over the last few years feels more\ldots real, perhaps. May I tell you something in confidence?'' + +Ey knit eir brow and nodded. ``Of course.'' + +``Even at her friendliest and most open, May believed that these merges would make me, in some way, a more complete person. Even I began to believe such. The whole clade has spent too long accusing itself of being incomplete people based on our origins.'' She paused to collect her thoughts, looking down at her paws. ``But she killed me, in her own kind way. She who was True Name is dead, and now I am of three minds. I am what remains of True Name and I am May and I am End Waking. There is some unified core --- there must be --- as I am not strictly May or End Waking, and perhaps that core will yet have some other name, but I am of three minds.'' + +``In terms of conflicts?'' + +She tilted her head thoughtfully. ``I do not feel the pressure of merge conflicts. Not many, at least. I feel tripled. I feel now like True Name, perhaps, and then I feel like May and some time later I will feel like End Waking. I lack the language to describe it. I felt something similar when I was Michelle and Sasha, but even that was not the same. I become less and less sure that I will be a singular person again, and so the reconciliation that remains is one of ensuring that those facets can coexist peacefully, as Sarah says.'' + +``I'm sorry, True Name, that sounds\ldots I don't even know. Impossible.'' + +``Oh, no, do not get me wrong,'' she said, smiling. ``It is not unpleasant. It is not what I --- or even May --- wanted, but it does not feel like a bad thing. It is difficult, however, as some contexts remain confusing. You are one of those contexts, Ioan.'' + +Not knowing what to say to that, ey simply nodded, feeling the flush of warmth to eir cheeks. + +``Yes, see? Look at you.'' She laughed. ``It is complex for all of us. We are all hyper-aware of boundaries, not even wishing to test them. May is\ldots{}\emph{of} me, and now I am of her, so that boundary is smaller between us, perhaps, but we are all three very aware of \emph{your} boundaries.'' + +``You're telling me,'' ey said, smiling cautiously. ``Every time I think about it, I just wind up feeling super awkward and freeze up, so I have no clue as to how to even begin to approach it.'' + +\protect\hypertarget{cuddle}{}{}``Well, here. May I sit next to you? If it is awkward, then it is awkward. If we find a boundary, we will discuss it, but then at least we will know and quit fucking tiptoeing around the topic, yes?'' + +Ey stiffened, trying to cover a wave of anxiety with a chuckle. ``Uh\ldots well, sure.'' + +For all the confidence in her words, she looked as jittery as ey felt, if the bristle to her tail and cant to her ears was anything to go by. Ey wasn't quite sure what it was that had led her to this particular suggestion, but her expression was in flux --- now curious, now eager, now anxious --- so perhaps it was those three aspects of her searching for harmony. Still, she pushed herself up off the couch to pad over to the beanbag and settle down next to em. + +Or try to, at least. One does not simply sit next to someone else on a beanbag. The mechanics of an amorphous cushion had the skunk almost immediately slouching against eir side. She flailed as she over-corrected, nearly elbowing em in the stomach in the process. + +``Jesus\ldots you would think\ldots I would know how this works,'' she growled, pushing at the cushion to try and get herself organized. + +``Here, just-- Oh.'' Ey laughed as the skunk gave up and leaned forward with a groan, resting her elbows on her knees and her face in her paws. ``I'd call that pretty awkward, though I don't know if that's what you meant.'' + +``Not exactly, no,'' came her muffled voice. ``But I also feel dreadfully overwhelmed.'' + +Ey leaned away from her as best ey could to give her some space. ``Sorry, True Name.'' + +After a few slow breaths, she shook her head and slumped over to the side, draping herself across eir lap, face buried in her arms on in the beanbag on the other side of eir legs, a jumble of skunk. ``This is stupid, Ioan. This is stupid and it is awkward and it is confusing, just as expected,'' she grumbled. ``Pet my ears, please.'' + +``What? Oh.'' Ey hesitantly brushed fingers over her ears as ey'd done countless times before with May. Her fur felt exactly the same, her voice was very similar, and were it not for the difference in clothes, the slight changes in body shape, and the benefit of almost three decades of time spent living with May, ey could probably have confused one for the other. ``Too awkward?'' + +``I do not know. The closer to another I get, even in just simple proximity, the more\ldots May I become, so the greater part of me is simply pleased to be touched now that we are close, and by none other than you,'' she mumbled against the beanbag. ``But I am not her, so the rest of me is unsure of what to make of it. Completely baffled, even. Do I feel like her to you? We are cut from the same cloth, are we not? This ought to feel the same, yes? Does it?'' + +``Almost exactly,'' ey said, then laughed. ``And not at all.'' + +The skunk squirmed enough to get her tail off to the side and her face away from the fabric of the cushion, resting her chin on folded arms instead. ``That is where I am. It is not unpleasant, and I think I may even enjoy it once the confusion subsides, but I will forever be of three minds.'' + +``Right. I think I understand a little better.'' + +She nodded. ``It may yet be enough for Jonas, but even if not, I think that it will be enough for me. It is stupid and awkward, but-- no, do not stop,'' she interrupted herself, laughing, when ey pulled eir hand away. ``Awkward, but not bad.'' + +They fell into thought, then. Or at least ey did. Ey kept up the careful petting while trying to tease apart eir own feelings on the matter. It all felt too big, impossible to pin down. Even trying to define what True Name was now felt far above eir pay grade. Three at once, or one after the other? Parallel or serial? Both? And yet they'd lived wholly separate, concurrent lives prior to the merges. + +Doubtless there was some way ey could just approach this simply, could just share uncomplicated time with friends. Something about the Odists just made that feel inaccessible, though. All of them were so complex in such roundabout ways, and now True Name triply so. + +\emph{If only I could just turn off the overthinking part of me,} ey thought. Aloud, ey said, ``What do you think you'll do after all of this?'' + +The skunk started at the sound of eir voice. ``Sorry, dear. I must have dozed off. What was that?'' + +Ey smiled and ruffled a hand through the fur between her ears before petting it down again. ``What will you do after this stuff with Jonas? You mentioned the change would be enough for you, but what will that look like?'' + +``I will relax,'' she said, pushing herself slowly upright once more, slouching against eir side more intentionally, this time. ``I will perhaps have a good night's sleep. I will walk sims for days. I will go camping. I will pester you and May, if you two are not sick to death of me by then.'' + +``No, it's fine. A break while you're camping might be nice, but I don't imagine we'll kick you out forever and never see you again,'' ey said, laughing. ``And I hope you won't disappear.'' + +``I will not, you need not worry.'' She shrugged against eir shoulder. ``Beyond that, I do not know. I may write.'' + +``What sorts of things?'' + +``Perhaps a companion volume to your \emph{History}. Something from the inside, such as it were. I will have had three perspectives to draw upon without doing any interviews, yes?'' + +``That would've made life so much easier.'' + +``Why?'' she said, smirking up towards em. ``No shitty skunks getting you all worked up so that you yell at May?'' + +``I didn't yell at her!'' Ey shook eir head, laughing. ``I just called her manipulative.'' + +``Yes, yes, and you called me a crazy in-law.'' She patted eir thigh. ``But yes. I am most looking forward to just unclenching. I would like to travel and see friends and meet people.'' + +``Think you'll try and meet Douglas and see Debarre again, like May said?'' + +There was a long silence, the skunk's features drawn in in thought. ``I remain of three minds. A third of me would like to bask in more solitude than I already have. That me feels crowded and hemmed in. Another third of me is filled with touch-hunger and love for friends I have never met and would like to surround myself with all these people. That me is struggling with loneliness.'' + +``And the True Name third?'' + +She sighed, bringing her tail around to groom it absentmindedly. ``She is scared and unhappy and lost. She, of the three of me, is of two minds. Half of her would like to plan and scheme and wargame to rip that smug look off Jonas's face, and the other half would\ldots but, well, there has been enough quitting in the clade.'' + +Ey hesitated, unsure of what ey could possibly say to those thoughts, then put eir arm around her. Ey at least knew how to comfort the May portion of her, if nothing else. + +``But come, that is enough of that,'' she said decisively. ``Five sixths of me still want to rip that smug look off Jonas's face, so that sad-sack part of me can go have her sulk another time. I would also like to get out. I would like to go to restaurants again, yes, and even see one of your plays, should I be welcome. I want to eat greasy food and drink myself silly after performances. I want to hop sims and dream. New deadline: one month. I want out of here within one month.'' + +``You mean for the meeting with Jonas?'' + +``Yes. I will not schedule it with him yet, just pencil it in --- I will exert my own power by giving him short notice --- but having that deadline will only help.'' + +``Well, we'll help you get as ready as we can until then,'' ey said. ``And probably get ready ourselves. We'll need to tell End Waking, too.'' + +``Of course, dear,'' she said, then dotted her nose against eir cheek, one of those skunk-kisses ey'd grown so used to. + +They both froze. + +``Fuck. I am sorry, Ioan, a habit--'' + +``Well, that was--'' ey said at the same time, then shook eir head. ``Sorry, True Name. Wasn't expecting that.'' + +She pushed herself quickly to her feet and began pacing before the beanbag, paws brushing over her face, from whiskers all the way up over her ears. Ey would be hard pressed to describe just how, but some faint glimmer of that portion of her that was May visibly fled her expression and that which was True Name asserted dominance. ``Do not apologize. That crossed a boundary, and I need a moment.'' + +Ey frowned. ``It was unexpected, but I don't know if it crossed--'' + +``It crossed one of \emph{my} boundaries,'' she snapped, then forced herself to stand still and slow her breathing as she stared out into the night through the windows. ``I am sorry, Ioan. I did not mean to get snippy with you. As I said, it is awkward and confusing. I feel like I have been given control of some new, unwieldy machine and am only learning how to use it through trial and error.'' + +Ey nodded, tamping down the urge to apologize again. ``Take the space you need.'' + +Her shoulders slumped and identities once more warred in her expression. ``I would like nothing more than to disappear out on the plain, but I should probably stop just running away from such things.'' She smiled tiredly to em and held out a paw to help em stand. ``Come. The least we can do is make dinner. Then we can discuss it further when your partner returns.'' + +\begin{center}\rule{0.5\linewidth}{0.5pt}\end{center} + +May's response to the discussion of encroached boundaries, later that night when she'd returned, knocked both Ioan and True Name off-kilter. She laughed and tousled both eir hair and the fur atop True Name's head, saying, ``Well, took you long enough.'' + +``Wait, what?'' ey asked. + +``I have been placing bets with myself on how long it would take until it came up. Whichever part of me guessed `the minute I leave you two alone together' wins, I guess.'' + +True Name stared coolly at her. ``And here I was worried that you would blow up at me.'' + +``Of course not, my dear. If you are like me, then I, of all people, can guess the hows and whys.'' + +``It mattered quite a bit to me.'' + +``I do not mean to diminish that, True Name.'' She smiled and sat beside her, patting the skunk's paw. + +True Name sighed. ``Thank you, I do believe you, it is just\ldots a heap of complex feelings.'' + +``That much I believe. I want to understand better, though. How are you doing?'' + +``If I say `confused' one more time, I am going to lose my mind. I do not have a better word for it, though. I do not know how to feel about Ioan. I do not know how to feel about myself. I do not know how I feel about the touch. It was fine, I am sure, but I am starting to think that what is so jarring to me is that it was almost an automatic action.'' + +Ioan nodded. ``It felt a bit incongruous because it's a hundred percent something you would've done, May, but not the same context.'' + +``And perhaps that is why it feels fine to me: it is what I would do and so I would expect nothing less from someone with so much of me as part of them now. I would like you both to feel comfortable, of course, but I am more\ldots well, `concerned' is not quite the right word, but focused on the emotional side than you two just physically touching,'' May said, shrugging. ``Though I do appreciate you keeping me apprised. I trust you on that.'' + +``Well, thank you,'' True Name said, rubbing at her eyes, though whether out of exhaustion or to forestall tears, ey couldn't tell. ``The other thing we discussed, though, was setting a deadline of one month to get this shit with Jonas out of the way.'' + +May perked up. ``Are you feeling ready, then?'' + +She laughed, shaking her head. ``I do not think I ever will, but there is little that I can do to change that. I will change and he will do whatever the fuck he wants and I will do my best to wash my hands of it. Will you be ready?'' + +``Sure. I do not imagine my part in it will be big. Just be there to witness, perhaps lose an instance if he decides to go after us, too. Have you spoken with End Waking?'' + +``I sent him a simplex message,'' she said. ``I will ping again tomorrow if he has not replied.'' + +``If he has not had another tree fall on him,'' May grumbled. + +True Name winced. ``A truly unpleasant experience.'' + +``And you, Ioan?'' + +Ey shrugged. ``I've got my notes all in order. I don't want to do it at all, but I'm ready, I guess. Did you talk with Debarre about this?'' + +``No.~I\ldots well, he is not ready to engage, I think. I would like End Waking to bring it up with him, if possible. I have meddled a bit much of late.'' + +True Name smirked, leaned over and tugged at May's tail. ``You have, yes.'' + +May pulled her tail around to hug it protectively. ``I know. I am perhaps as struck by the need to help as Ioan.'' + +The conversation trailed off from there, Ioan and May cozying up and chatting via sensorium messages once True Name had started to doze, using May's thigh as a pillow. She caught em up on gossip from Debarre --- one of his boyfriends visited and was, apparently, quite the looker --- and ey accused her of leaving em for the weasel, as ey always did when she visited him. + +Eventually, even they fell to silence, and when May started to nod off as well, ey roused the two skunks. ``Come on, beds are comfier than couches.'' + +True Name nodded groggily and stood, swaying for a moment before gaining her balance once more. ``Thank you two for talking this evening.'' + +``Would you like to stay with us tonight?'' May asked. ``If you are this exhausted, I imagine you need it.'' + +She stood silent for a few moments, then nodded. ``If you are willing, yes. I am also happy to sleep out on the plain. Either would be good for me.'' + +``That is why I asked, yes.'' + +When May looked to em, ey sighed. ``Perhaps tomorrow? I need a night to think on things.'' + +True Name's face fell, but she bowed. ``Of course, dear.'' + +Ey reached out and gave her paw a squeeze. ``Thanks, True Name. Tomorrow.'' + +She smiled gratefully and, after a hug from May, made her way through her room and out to her tent on the plain, visible as a bobbing lantern moving through the grass. + +Ioan and May made their way to their own bed and once they were settled in, May asked, ``I do not want to push, my dear, but I would like to hear your thoughts if you need to think on things.'' + +Ey stretched out on eir back and stared up at the ceiling, letting May settle in against eir side to use eir shoulder as a pillow. ``As nerve-wracking as it was in the moment, I think I'm just\ldots over it. Maybe it's the fact that my introduction to your stanza was through you getting all cuddly that it just doesn't feel like a huge deal to me.'' Ey ducked eir chin to kiss atop her snout. ``Though obviously it's complicated, since that led to you and I getting together, but you're also just a cuddly person all around.'' + +She tucked her snout up under eir chin, rubbing it against eir jaw at the ticklish kiss. ``I am, at that. What do you mean by `over it', though?'' + +``I guess after a certain point, it just felt like the anxiety about touch was wildly out of proportion to whatever worries I had. We have other friends we get cozy with.'' Ey grinned, adding, ``She just about fell over when she tried to sit on the beanbag. Would've been funny if she hadn't also started panicking.'' + +``I think she is struggling with touch-hunger.'' + +``She said as much, yeah.'' Ey shrugged, then mumbled an apology for jostling her. ``I guess I'm just used to the fact that one just pets skunks.'' + +``That is just what one does,'' May asserted. ``And not, I will note, what you are doing right now.'' + +Ey laughed and ruffled a hand over her ears before petting the fur down again. ``Fine, fine. But that's what I mean, I guess. It's just how skunks are, in my experience. I'm sure some of it's my denseness around this sort of thing at play, but what made me anxious was her freaking out. She's done a pretty good job of taking our concerns to heart, but I hadn't picked up on her own anxieties until then. I'm over it, but she clearly isn't.'' + +``Well, perhaps all of our preparations only made her more anxious,'' May mumbled, chin dipped low as ey rubbed behind her ears. ``She still has all of those memories of solitude and professionalism, as well.'' + +Given what True Name had said in confidence, ey could certainly imagine a boundary around physicality being tested even in the slightest pushing the May portion of her back and letting that of End Waking or True Name come to the fore. Ey supposed, had they internalized that better beforehand, the conversation that had followed her spike in anxiety would have been different, and perhaps more productive. Ey could have spoken to her as ey might have spoken to True Name \emph{qua} True Name, rather than as ey might to May --- even if that original version of her was, as she had said, dead. + +The context shift had just been so fast, though, and despite all the differences ey was primed to see between them, the two skunks still looked and sounded so much alike. Oh well. If it had been fast and confusing for em, doubtless such a shift would have been triply so for her. + +``My dear, I do not know if you intended to say that out loud,'' May said gently. ``May I respond to it?'' + +``Wait, what?'' Ey jolted, leading May to sit up, so ey joined her. ``Oh, damn. Uh\ldots well, when did I start?'' + +``A context shift between me and True Name.'' + +``Shit.'' Ey rubbed eir hands over eir face and groaned. ``Sorry, May. Uh, it was about something True Name shared in confidence.'' + +She frowned, nodded. ``I will not ask you to betray that, of course.'' + +``Maybe I'm more stressed than I'm giving myself credit for, if my mumbling's getting this bad.'' + +The skunk's expression softened and she leaned forward to touch her nose to eirs. ``I do not blame you. There is so much going on these days.'' + +Ey pressed eir nose to hers before leaning back and nodding. ``Right, and I feel like it's all super important all the time. Oh well. What were you going to say? If I can respond, I will.'' + +May shook her head, and nudged em to lay back down. ``No, it is okay. Whether or not you answer is probably too much information to share. I think we are both perhaps too stressed to continue, anyway.'' + +When she lay back down as well, ey wrapped eir arms around her and drew her in for a squeeze. ``Agreed,'' ey said, voice muffled by her soft fur. ``Maybe just focus on being cozy for a bit. Can you teach me how to go into screen-saver mode?'' + +She laughed and squirmed back against em. ``You are an enormous nerd and I love you a lot, Ionuț. I would, but you would just mumble more, I am sure.'' diff --git a/mitzvot/content/old/040.tex b/mitzvot/content/old/040.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..f03385f --- /dev/null +++ b/mitzvot/content/old/040.tex @@ -0,0 +1,302 @@ +\hypertarget{ioan-bux103lan-2350}{% +\section{Ioan Bălan --- 2350}\label{ioan-bux103lan-2350}} + +Ioan had never been one for bars. Ey knew that there was an enormous variety of them, that doubtless some would play to eir aesthetic and likes --- the one at the base of the System Central Library came quite close --- and that not all of them subscribed to the ``if it's louder, that means everyone's having more fun'' school of design. + +There was just something about the idea. Too much that took place in bars was, at best, confusing. At worst, it was distressing. Ey had no desire to be around the types of intoxication that bars seemed to attract. May had a list of types of drunkenness she'd gotten from somewhere, ey knew, and ey didn't like any of them. + +Still, this is where Jonas had requested that they meet when ey messaged him. + +The venue was of the sultry, dark, wood-paneled variety, with warm, dim lamps hanging pendant over each of the tables and a row of lights above the bar itself. Conversations were kept low by the dimness, with groups of three or four huddled in booths while those at the bar drank alone. + +Doubtless Jonas knew of eir distaste. Doubtless this had factored into his decision on venue for this pre-meeting meeting. + +Ah well, at least it wasn't a club. + +Ey stopped by the bar to get a cider of some sort --- something sweet, ey hoped; ey didn't know the first thing about ciders --- and hunted down an empty booth. The backs of the benches were straight and high, reaching up to the ceiling, leading to a secluded, if not particularly comfortable, space. There, ey sat and sipped eir way slowly through eir cider, waiting for Jonas. + +Ey'd shown up, notebook in hand, half an hour early and was half expecting Jonas to be late, sauntering in lazily at quarter past, a way of pressing the dynamic between them, but he arrived right on time, picked up a drink from the bar, and hunted Ioan down. Ey stood to bow to Jonas, then froze. Zacharias stepped into the sim, as well, grinned widely at the sight of Ioan mid-bow. Before even making his way to the table, the fox gave an exaggerated curtsey. + +``Ioan, wonderful to see you again,'' Jonas said, grinning. ``My most foppish lackey decided to tag along, I trust you won't mind.'' + +``Of course,'' ey said through gritted teeth. ``The more the merrier.'' + +``Precisely, precisely.'' Jonas raised his martini glass in a toast and gestured back to the table and Ioan's half-finished drink. ``Shall we?'' + +Ey nodded and slid back into the booth while Jonas scooted in on the other side of the table, leaving room for Zacharias. + +The fox was only a moment in arriving, showing up with some shockingly yellow drink in a coupe glass. ``Ioan, my dear. Wonderful to see you again.'' + +``Please don't call me `my dear','' ey said, setting up a cone of silence. There was anger, there, somewhere beneath the surface, but ey was somewhat surprised to feel it almost completely overridden by exhaustion, something ey hadn't felt before the two had arrived. + +``My love? My--'' he began, voice mocking. There was a thump beneath the table and he quickly cut off with a loud yelp, jolting away from Jonas, eyes wide. + +``Shut up, Zacharias,'' Jonas said mildly, plucking the maraschino cherry out of his drink and dropping it in the fox's. ``Business now, prattle later.'' + +Zacharias sat, frozen, for a moment longer before wiping up some of his spilled drink with a bar napkin. His eyes were still wide, darting between Ioan and his boss. ``Right.'' + +\emph{Another show of power, most likely,} ey thought. \emph{Why else bring him with?} + +``So,'' ey said aloud. ``As I said in the message, We'd like to meet in two days' time. Systime 251+139, 11:00.'' + +Mid-sip, Jonas waved his hand vaguely. ``Of course, of course,'' he said, setting his glass back down. ``Whenever you're ready, like I said. But come, how are you Ioan? You look tired.'' + +Ey stared at him, trying to piece together how worth it was to actually answer the question. Ey \emph{was} tired, yes. The night before had been a stressful one once ey'd received the request for this additional meeting from Jonas. True Name stayed up late in conversation with both May and End Waking about some clade business ey'd not been privy to, leading to em pacing in the darkened yard for nearly an hour, spring lilacs leaving the air almost too thick to breathe. Ey'd eventually given up on waiting for the skunks. Ey knew if ey stayed up any later, ey'd simply wind up standing at the windows and watching their fire out on the plain. + +\emph{``I think I'm going to head to bed,''} ey had sent May. \emph{``I'm just going to keep cycling if I stay up.''} + +There was a hint of a whine to her reply. \emph{``I am sorry, Ioan, I did not realize how late it had gotten. Do you want me to send a fork back?''} + +\emph{``I don't know, will they be intolerable and antsy?''} + +\emph{``Oh, absolutely,''} she had replied, and ey could hear the grin in her voice. \emph{``But I will still send one if you would like.''} + +\emph{``No, it's alright. Just no sleeping out there, okay?''} + +\emph{``Of course. We will return soon.''} + +It was nearly two hours later when the skunks had returned as promised. Two hours of tossing and turning in bed, fretting and fretting and fretting. Eventually, the three of them had fallen into their usual positions, though despite the added rest that this usually brought True Name, none of them had slept well. + +When there was no wink and smile from Jonas, ey let eir shoulders sag and nodded. ``Tired, yeah. We're all tired. Just want this over with.'' + +``And True Name? How's she?'' he asked, still apparently sincere. + +``Look, Jonas, what are you after? We're tired. She's upset. We just want to get on with our lives, and it's all on you.'' + +``Well, sure, but now my workload's doubled,'' he said, and there at last was the wink. ``Though in all seriousness, I'm just trying to gauge what to expect. May Then My Name and End Waking will be there, too, right?'' + +``Yes,'' ey said coolly, adding to Zacharias, ``Will you?'' + +``Would not miss it for the world,'' the fox said. His ebullience was notably restrained, still, but the grin had returned. He tapped the side of his snout, ``Cartoonishly evil, remember?'' + +\emph{I liked you better when Jonas was stomping on your toes,} ey thought. + +``So you said,'' ey said aloud. + +``And how is May Then My Name?'' Zacharias asked. ``I know precious little about my down-tree instance, you know. I trust that she is well?'' + +``She is also upset.'' + +The fox gasped, mock-effrontery filling his voice. ``Not because of me!'' + +``It has been a stressful few months. She doesn't want True Name coming to any harm, either.'' + +Zacharias scoffed. + +Ey put on eir best smile. ``Though yes, she told me that she knew there were still old forks around, but that she'd left them to their own devices and knew nothing about them, so she's surprised to have met you.'' + +``How very diplomatic,'' he replied, grinning. ``Well, I can assure you that the pleasure was all mine.'' + +``So why am I here?'' + +Jonas shrugged. ``You mean aside from the fact that I get to see your face when you talk about your skunks? It's fun dragging people around.'' + +Restraining the urge to bridle at `your skunks', ey gave a hint of a bow. ``And what can you tell me about this meeting? I imagine you've got some grand plans about surprising True Name with your ideas for the future, but if nothing else, it'd help me to know what I'm getting into before I get into it.'' + +``Oh, excellent question!'' + +Ey posted the cap of eir pen and nodded for Jonas to continue. + +``I said it was an excellent question, not that I'd answer you, Ioan.'' + +``I think you will.'' + +``And why's that?'' + +``Because you love to hear yourself talk,'' ey said. ``And because Zacharias is right. This is almost cartoonishly evil, and villains love talking about their grand schemes. I'm ready for your monologue.'' + +Jonas raised his eyebrows and a slow grin spread over his features. That feverish glint ey'd seen last time shone through for a moment before it was suppressed again. The idea that Jonas might be losing it made em anxious. \emph{Stretched too thin, maybe?} + +``You see, this is why I like you, Ioan,'' Jonas said. ``The whole Bălan clade, that is. You hit that sweet spot between patient and impatient where you can stay calm, but you don't just wait forever.'' + +Ey waited. + +``Alright then, a bit of a preview.'' He finished half of his drink in a few swallows. ``There's a bunch of changes coming in the pipeline--'' + +``This AVEC?'' + +Zacharias frowned, but Jonas was already nodding, ``Got it in one. That's right at the top of the list. See, the LVs are too far away to communicate effectively with phys-side, getting further every day, and that puts us in a unique position, here. Suddenly, we differ from the LVs in a fundamental way. I really can't overstate how big of a deal this is, Ioan.'' + +``Suddenly we have to prove our greener grass to those phys-side.'' + +``Right. The direction that we need to take with Lagrange can't just be the same old one we've been taking before. In this, True Name and I differ.'' He shrugged, rocking his glass gently back and forth on the table before taking another sip. ``She wanted to continue on her path of subtlety, I disagreed.'' + +Ey snorted. ``Disagreed? You tried to assassinate her, Jonas.'' + +``What are bullets but a disagreement?'' + +Ioan rolled eir eyes. + +``You and I disagree, then. It's like I said, though, sometimes mommies and daddies fight, Ioan. We've spent the past few years trying to hash it out. For all her focus on subtlety in guiding the System, she can be a real bitch when it comes to trying to get her point across.'' + +``Bullshit,'' ey said flatly. + +Jonas laughed. ``Oh?'' + +``Yeah. A few reasons.'' Ey started ticking off points on eir fingers as ey spoke. ``First, True Name didn't start down this path in the last few years that we've been learning from Artemis; she was a mess when she first got in touch with us with Codrin\#Castor's first letter during convergence, so things were already in motion then. Second, The Guiding Council on Pollux is almost two decades old now, predating the arrival of the Artemisians by years, and I think that's because third, you--'' Ey nodded to Zacharias. ``--apparently dropped everything on her across all three Systems at the same time not that long after the launch. You two got more openly together on Pollux, and as far as Codrin\#Castor can find in the perisystem, you quit shortly after telling her there. End Waking thinks --- and I agree --- you're trying to push each of the Systems in a different direction politically. Maybe you think having different political environments is more stable across societies separated by distance and time. Maybe it's some giant experiment. Who knows. It's your long game.'' + +The longer ey spoke, the more serious Jonas's expression grew, and by the time ey finished, he'd leaned back in his seat. ``Well then,'' he said. ``I suppose I don't have much more to add, then, do I? I have my conversation with True Name cut out for me.'' + +``And what conversation is that?'' + +Jonas was back to grinning. ``Oh, fuck off, Ioan. I'm not going to tell you all of my secrets! We have our shit to work through and you have to be a good little clerk and take all of your notes so that you can come back to me with a story to publish. That'll seal the deal, and we'll be ready to go our separate ways.'' + +Ey gave a hint of a bow. ``As you say. It's settled, then, right? Two days, 11:00?'' + +``That it is. Bring your pen and paper,'' Jonas said, lifting his glass in a final toast before downing his drink in one go. + +``Right.'' + +Ey didn't hear if there was a reply or not. Ey simply quit. \#Tracker could take care of the rest. + +Ioan\#Tracker set eir pen down with exaggerated care, closing eir notebook, then eir eyes. This was anger in so many ways, though it differed from that hot, spiky shape spinning within em that came with Zacharias's bullshit. It was a pressure within eir chest, a tension in eir shoulders, a pounding in eir head. + +``\emph{Fuck!}'' ey shouted. Ey fell back into the paced breathing exercises that Sarah had showed em years ago. It had originally been in the context of helping May, at the time, but ey needed anything ey could get, now. + +``\emph{I take it you are back, then?}'' May's words over the sensorium message were tentative, anxious. Clearly tension was still high. + +``\emph{Yes,''} ey replied. \emph{''I'm coming outside.}'' + +Ey didn't wait for the ping of acknowledgement. Even if they weren't ready for em to be out there, ey needed to talk at least a little, get some of the weight of the conversation off eir shoulders. Ey needed to be around eir partner and friends. Ey needed to be out of that context, away from pens and paper and books and work. + +The afternoon was settling into evening, and the plain was littered with dozens of skunks. As ey walked toward True Name's tent, though, they began to quit in small groups until it was just the three root instances kneeling around a small fire, over which they were roasting sausages. + +After bowing to End Waking and getting eir hug and skunk-kiss from both May and True Name, ey sat cross-legged between them. Once ey'd gathered emself, ey said, ``That was a whole lot of bullshit. How far off is food?'' + +End Waking used the tip of his knife to nudge at a few of the sausages, turning them over on the grill cantilevered over the fire. ``Not long. Would you prefer to wait to share, then?'' + +``Yeah. Maybe if I have food in me, I won't shout.'' + +``That was quite loud, my dear,'' May said, claiming one of eir hands to hold. ``I am glad you did not die.'' + +Dinner was quiet, but not unpleasant. Gentle wind through the grass, the crackling of the fire and the spit of grease from the sausages, the gamy tang of ground venison tempered with barley and herbs. + +``Did he wind you up that badly?'' May asked once they'd finished. + +``Well, yes and no. He and Zacharias were both there.'' + +Both May and True Name flinched at the name, True Name's shoulders slumping. ``So, yes. Winding you up.'' + +Ey nodded. ``I'd guessed that much, at least. I think the whole meeting was a form of that. He even admitted such, saying that he set it up mostly so that he could `drag me around'. I called him on it.'' + +``I do not imagine that did any good,'' End Waking mumbled. + +``Oh, not at all. The thing is, it wasn't just winding me up, though. I also think he just wanted to hear himself talk. I think he wanted to talk about all his plans because he knows his words are going to wind up in whatever I write, so he wants to get all that he can in there.'' + +``And worded as he would like,'' True Name said, nodding. ``No matter what we manage to come up with, he wants to ensure that the narrative has him coming out on top.'' + +``I still don't understand, though,'' ey said. ``Why be so transparently villainous if he's specifically having me write something to be read by the public?'' + +``The same reason I wound you and Codrin up. If it is just a little too sensational to be real, then he can get away with more than he might otherwise. Jonas assassinating True Name? True Name who probably assassinated Qoheleth? It is just too much to be real, but it sure is good reading, is it not?'' + +``Makes me feel like something of a punching bag,'' ey said, then sighed. ``I think I'm starting to understand what Codrin\#Castor was talking about in terms of getting yanked around a bit better.'' + +True Name winced and averted her gaze. ``I am sorry, Mx. Bălan.'' + +``Shit, I'm sorry.'' Ey reached over to give the skunk's paw a squeeze. ``That was a different time, I'm not trying to put that on you now.'' + +She patted the back of eir hand with her other paw, a somewhat stiff gesture, and, as always when the topic of strife in the past came up, ey could sense more of End Waking in her than True Name or May. ``Thank you, Ioan. I do appreciate it. It is an unfortunate reality that politics is the science of yanking people around. Add in being an actor, and, well,'' she said, then shrugged. + +``I understand, yeah.'' Ey retrieved eir hand, choosing instead to gently tug May closer. She leaned against eir side gratefully. ``Do you have a plan you think might work out, then? You don't have to tell me, I know you're keeping it amongst yourselves.'' + +End Waking nodded. ``There is a good chance of it working, yes. Not a perfect chance, and there are many possible holes that he may exploit in the moment.'' + +True Name nodded. ``If nothing else, I think that it will buy me a quiet retirement.'' + +``A quiet retirement alive is still good, right? It'll be a life,'' ey said. + +``It may not be an ideal life, but it will be a life, yes.'' + +``And hopefully still a good one, in the end,'' May added. + +``Yes. If I am honest, a less than ideal but still good life is far more than I had in front of me even before all of this nonsense.'' She smiled wryly. ``Perhaps I ought to thank him for that. I am not unhappy with what I have now, even.'' + +The conversation wound down from there, and as evening dimmed into night, they fell into silence. The fire was kept low, only enough light and warmth to keep the dark at bay. + +Eventually, with eir lower back hurting and May starting to nod off, they made their goodnights. True Name gave em and May each a hug around the shoulders and a nose-dot to the cheek --- something they'd all grown more comfortable with over the last few weeks --- and padded off to her tent. End Waking stated that he was going to watch the fire for a while longer and then head to bed himself --- he'd set up a tent of his own a ways off from True Name's for this fork to sleep in --- leaving May and Ioan to walk back to the house together in the dark. + +``I'm happy to hear her talking about a future,'' Ioan said, once they'd cleaned up and made their way to bed, em slouched against the headboard and May in eir lap, slouched against eir front in turn. + +``I am too, yes. I am pleased that other than a few short fits, she has been at worst determined, and at best hopeful.'' + +Ey nodded and tucked eir chin up over the skunk's head. ``I think that's where I am, yeah. I want this over with, and sometimes it even feels like this might even be the best outcome for everyone.'' + +``For everyone?'' + +``Well, Jonas gets what he wants and he can go play his games elsewhere, End Waking gets his feelings understood, and True Name gets to go live a life doing whatever it is she wants, right?'' + +She nodded. ``And what of us?'' + +Ey chuckled, the sound somewhat muffled by the position. ``Well, I'll be happy for her, and you and I will continue being disgustingly adorable or whatever it is she accuses us of being.'' + +May laughed. ``Well, yes. I will be happy for her and will continue loving you.'' + +``Love you too, May.'' + +``See? Gross.'' She giggled and hugged tighter around eir middle. ``Will you let her continue to live here?'' + +Shrugging carefully, ey murmured, ``It'll be a conversation between the three of us. I've gotten used to it, so I'm happy to have her stick around if she wants.'' + +``Same,'' the skunk said. ``It is not perfect, but nothing that cannot be fixed by modifying the sim and nailing down some boundaries.'' + +``I'm looking forward to getting in touch with Serene, yeah.'' Ey hesitated, then asked gently, ``Are there boundaries she's crossed?'' + +``No, I do not think so, but it might be nice to understand the shape of our friendships when we are not waiting on some potentially life-or-death event.'' + +``I still get tripped up over you even calling her a friend,'' ey said, grinning. ``If she'd needed to move in even a year ago, I think you would've ripped her head off two days in.'' + +May laughed and lifted her snout to nudge at eir chin firmly. ``Would not. I would have been impossible to live with, though. Whining and bitching and stress-shedding everywhere.'' + +``Oh, so like normal, then.'' + +She sat up in eir lap and poked em in the chest with a dull claw. ``Rude.'' + +Ey grinned. ``Well, okay, not stress-shedding, just normal shedding.'' + +She scrubbed a paw at her flank until she came up with a little bit of shed fur to sprinkle over eir front. ``Yes, yes. But I can say the same for you, my dear. A year ago, I do not think I could have pictured her giving you a goodnight kiss.'' + +Covering for the heat rising to eir cheeks by brushing the errant fur off eir front, ey shrugged. ``That's on you. I'm used to skunks being all touchy.'' + +``Yes, but True Name?'' + +``I'm not sure she's that anymore,'' ey said carefully. ``So I guess you're right. I couldn't imagine the True Name of a year ago giving goodnight kisses to anyone, much less you and me.'' + +She grinned, nodding. ``Agreed, yes. And you are okay with it?'' + +Ey shrugged. ``Like I said, I'm used to it. It occasionally strikes me as incredibly strange. Even just talking about it now feels weird. There's this whole, dramatic plot to take out one of the most prominent people on the System, and here we are, talking about goodnight kisses.'' + +``It is not that weird. It is an artifact of our lives. Death has a different flavor to it when we fork and quit on a whim, living for centuries at a time.'' She set to work brushing her fingers through eir hair. Weird to be petted, but it felt good, so ey never stopped her. She continued, ``Which is not to say that it is not important and anxiety inducing to have almost lost one's life, just that, with a modicum of care, she \emph{can} continue living, if in a restricted fashion, even if she were to miss the deadline. With less fear of death comes greater love.'' + +Eyes closed and chin tucked nearly to eir chest, ey hummed thoughtfully. ``I suppose, yeah. I didn't have much life outside the System that I can compare, never mind love.'' + +May giggled. ``I was not speaking of romance, my dear.'' + +Ey snorted, shaking eir head. ``Neither was I, you nut. I just meant Rareș and my parents.'' + +``Well, touché. We do not have very good language around love, in my defense.'' She ruffled eir hair and ey could hear the smirk in her voice as she said, ``Not that that will ever stop me from teasing you about falling in love with her.'' + +Ey laughed and poked at her side a few times, hunting for that ticklish spot. ``Who's rude now, hmm?'' + +Giggling helplessly, May squirmed until she tipped off eir lap, curling protectively into a ball. ``It is just so easy, Ionuț! Do not blame me!'' + +``I know, I know, and it's your job as an Odist to fuck with me, \emph{et cetera, et cetera},'' ey said, slipping down into bed alongside the skunk, getting eir arms around her. ``I like her, but\ldots well, whatever. It's complicated.'' + +She twisted in eir arms and wormed her way back against em, shaking her head. ``No, you cannot just leave it at that. You have further thoughts and I want to hear.'' + +``Further ammo for teasing, you mean.'' + +``Well, yes, but I do still want to hear.'' + +Ey sighed. ``Fine. I just\ldots well, I guess I'm sort of in the same boat as her, in that it's something I can picture, even if I can't understand it. She's so much like you --- in terms of looks and voice and now personality from the merge --- that I can imagine what that'd be like, and both she and End Waking are my friends, so there's that, too. But the context of her being True Name makes it hard to picture the\ldots I don't know. Process?'' + +``The concept versus the mechanics, maybe?'' + +``Yeah, I think so.'' Ey grinned and kissed the back of one of her ears. ``But that's about as far as I get thinking about it before I'm distracted by this or that.'' + +``Organizing your pen collection is usually what I accuse you of,'' she said. + +``Mmhm. I guess it's the same as when you and I got together. I could kind of picture it, but had no clue beyond that.'' + +She hugged eir arm to her front and nodded. ``Well, whatever happens, happens. We will talk about it.'' + +``Another time,'' ey mumbled, pushing eir face into her soft fur, coarser guard hairs tickling eir cheeks. ``I can't imagine I'm going to be able to sleep tomorrow night, so we might as well get some tonight.'' diff --git a/mitzvot/content/old/041.tex b/mitzvot/content/old/041.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..11addaa --- /dev/null +++ b/mitzvot/content/old/041.tex @@ -0,0 +1,484 @@ +\hypertarget{ioan-bux103lan-2350}{% +\section{Ioan Bălan --- 2350}\label{ioan-bux103lan-2350}} + +``I cannot help but feel that I am walking into my own execution tomorrow,'' True Name admitted. ``I know that I am leaving behind a fork, that I will not be completely destroyed, but that does not wholly negate the sense of impending death.'' + +Ioan and May both nodded. + +``Is it just the finality of it all?'' May asked. + +``Perhaps. Perhaps it is just the inability to predict beyond that point. I am coming up to a corner I have never seen around, and whatever predictive powers I may have fail me.'' + +Ioan could at least understand the worries about heading into the unknown. The same feeling had been dogging em since after eir meeting with Jonas, since ey'd seen that cool look on his face when ey'd apparently preempted so much of the upcoming meeting's discussion. One minute, that would feel like a good thing --- perhaps they would make it through essentially unscathed --- and the next ey'd worry that ey'd made a complete mistake, that ey'd somehow tipped their hand by letting Jonas know just how predictable he was. + +Neither True Name nor May could say one way or another when ey'd voiced eir concerns with them. + +The whole day had been scattered for them. May spent much of it glued to eir side as ey did eir best to organize eir notes in eir head for the upcoming meeting. She couldn't seem to pin herself down to one set of feelings, first laughing and joking about beating Zacharias up, then burying her face against eir shoulder and refusing to speak, ears laid flat. + +For her part, True Name couldn't seem to stay pinned to any one of her three identities. + +Ey was at least getting more adept at spotting them in her features. There was a bright focus when that of True Name --- the old True Name, that was --- came to the fore. Her expression would become attentive, defaulting to a slight smile and eyebrows (such as they were on a skunk's features) just slightly raised. When that of End Waking showed itself in her, she'd keep her eyes half-lidded, and her gaze was far more attuned to any movement. The rest of her own movements would still, as well. She would walk quieter, more gracefully. She would speak less. + +And when that of May came to the fore, that was when ey was at eir most confused. + +Ey had had no idea how to feel about her back when she was just True Name. Had ey really been so hesitant to call her a friend? Memories tattled on em, there: ey'd shied away from the term or qualified it every time it arose. That had only loosened up when her life was at risk, when she'd been forced to move in with them, and ey'd been forced in turn to acknowledge that her words, \emph{I suppose it is just nice to have a friend}, had stuck with em more than ey'd cared to admit. The rest of that conversation had been full of equivocations, clarifications, delineations, and all those habits of guardedness from two decades of wariness over anything that carried a whiff of manipulation had tried to assert themselves over em once more. + +But no, there was something about the Ode clade that just happened to click with the Bălan clade, no matter what form or name they took, that just fell directly into friendship. It was the way they spoke, perhaps. Those complete sentences that left em uncoiling parts of emself ey hadn't known were coiled in the first place. + +Ey didn't know what it was that they saw in em in turn. There was the unspoken matter of the pronouns of the owner of the Name, and, as May had once whispered to em late one night, eir tendency to lean on rumination, on quietness and exactitude, that reminded her of someone she refused to name. Were they so alike, em and whoever had touched Michelle Hadje so long ago? Had ey and Michelle been contemporaries phys-side, would they have wound up in a relationship? Ey had no clue how to ask such a thing of them. + +All ey knew is that, as Codrin had put it in a letter, ``The Odists love hard and they love deep and they love fast, and it's hard not to become intoxicated beneath all that love.'' + +So, what was ey to do when that of eir partner, of the one ey loved most in the world, shone through in someone else? When that of May rose to prominence in True Name's expression, she was not May. She wasn't May at all. She was of three minds, and none of them were wholly absent whenever one asserted primacy. + +And yet there it was, all that drew em towards May, even if it wasn't her, right in front of em. What was ey to do with that? + +That ey didn't know, that ey hadn't the language, kept em from speaking of it with True Name just yet. It wasn't out of any need to hide, not out of any embarrassment --- though ey'd freely admit to eir shyness --- that ey kept it from her. Ey just didn't know how to say that, when she seemed most like May, ey was at eir most confused without turning it into a series of questions and I-don't-knows. + +The one time ey'd brought it up with May, the idea still as yet unseasoned, she had done as she ever would, and teased em gently about `falling in love with her' and then settled into a series of gently probing questions, trying to tease out things that ey already knew but did not yet have the words for. + +It hadn't gone anywhere. Ey'd eventually had to put the conversation on hold out of a combination of stress and the feeling that ey ought to keep True Name's discussion on her newfound multiplicity in the face of May's desire for some more complete unity to emself. + +So they did what they could to prepare or relax for the rest of that last day. True Name walked her prairie several times over, then came in and sat close by, then busied herself up in her head. May clung to em. Ey sorted notes. + +There was no discussion whether or not she would be staying with them that night. The three of them simply wound up in eir and May's bed, sitting or kneeling on the soft mattress while they did their best to talk about little nothings. Ioan tried to explain Romanian curses to them. May and True Name spoke earnestly about a movie ey'd never heard of. And under it all, an ever-rising current of stress lay, slowly taking over their words until they couldn't speak any longer, could only curl beneath the covers, sharing some more fundamental comfort. + +Surprising all three of them, they did manage to get at least some sleep that night. It wasn't \emph{good} sleep, as, at one point or another, each of them woke with a start, but they managed a few hours of dozing. + +Once the sky began to lighten, though, they pulled themselves blearily out of bed, Ioan making four mugs of coffee --- two black, two sweet and milky --- so that they could troop back out onto the plain and wake End Waking up --- or, as it turned out, greet him at the small fire he'd started --- and offer him a cup. + +``There is no more rehearsing to be done,'' he said, once they'd shed some of their grogginess. ``We risk practice making permanent, at this point. All we can do is hope to remain as centered as possible throughout.'' + +Both of the other skunks nodded, and Ioan had to quell eir instinct to disagree. They were too tired, too keyed up, too quick to overanalyse to get anything out of forking across the prairie to wargame however many countless scenarios. Better for the four of them to sit around the low fire, sip their coffee, and watch the sun rise, May slouched against eir side and True Name and End Waking sitting apart, silent. + +Eventually, however, coffee long gone, they forked. End Waking and True Name's down-tree instances each went to their tents to sit and meditate as best they could, while May and Ioan's down-tree instances returned home to try baking a cake --- something demanding enough while still remaining relatively mindless. + +The only words they spoke to each other was May saying, ``Good luck, have fun, and do not die.'' + +The four forks held hands and paws and, with nothing other than a shared, shaky breath, stepped from the sim. + +End Waking immediately flinched, crouched. They found themselves in a boardroom. A large plain of a table, notepads and pens, a second table huddling against the wall with a pitcher of water and a stack of too-small glasses. + +And yet it still felt too small --- even to Ioan, who spent more of eir life inside than unbound in a forest, the ceiling was just a few inches too low, the chairs just a few inches too close to the walls. Too small, and yet too long. There was room for a table half again as long, and yet the table was set in one end of the room, leaving the other end unbalanced, empty other than a wheeled whiteboard. End Waking, who hadn't been indoors, never mind in a room too small, in nigh on a century, looked on the verge of panic. His eyes were wide, tail hiked and bristled, paws clenched in a way that reminded em of May. + +``I do not know if I am able--'' + +May squeezed his paw tightly. ``You do not need to keep these memories, skunk, but you cannot leave.'' She added in a near whisper, ``Please do not leave me.'' + +His nod was jerky, distracted, but still a nod. + +And yet, the room was empty. \emph{Perfect time to pull the late-to-the-meeting power move.} + +Sure enough, 11:00 rolled around, no Jonas. + +It wasn't until nearly ten after that the door swung lazily open and Jonas strolled in, followed by Zacharias and the rest of the eighth stanza --- \emph{no, Zacharias is part of that, too,} ey thought. \emph{There's only Odists, Jonas, and me here.} + +``True Name! Delighted to see you, delighted,'' Jonas said, grinning widely and giving the barest hint of a bow. + +The skunk had apparently amped up all that she could of her old self, as her smile was earnest and wide, and her bow the perfect mix of polite and friendly. ``Glad you could make it, my dear. I trust you have been well?'' + +He shifted smoothly to accommodate this response. ``Quite well, quite well. Feels like it's been a bit of a vacation for the both of us, eh? You enjoy a bit of time off at the lake?'' + +That grin of hers widened, and she nodded. ``Quite a bit, actually. We never quite got to roasting marshmallows, but it is really hard to go wrong with potatoes roasted in the embers. They get a little smoky, even the insides.'' + +End Waking stared at True Name as though she was an Artemisian, suddenly having made their way across the light-days back to Lagrange. Hell, Ioan was staring at her like she was an alien. So quickly and smoothly had her anxiety been transmuted into this calm, friendly social efficiency that it was as though the last months had been erased from her features. + +There was some other conversation going on here, ey realized. It wasn't just that they were talking pleasantries before a meeting, but that there was an exchange of information that took place on some subtler plane of existence. They were feeling each other out, listening to tone of voice more than the content of words, watching features and postures rather than seeing an old friend. There was some deeper level of communication that ey simply couldn't latch onto. + +With that in mind, ey could at least do eir best to focus on the less direct forms of language around the room. + +True Name had talked em through the stanza and their roles beforehand, at least. She herself had been focused on the politics, of course, but also acted as consensus builder among the members of her stanza. + +Ey knew well that May had been focused on swaying individual hearts and minds toward a cause that initially had been True Name's, and then later simply shaped by her as best as could be managed. + +End Waking had been instrumental in tracking, understanding, and to whatever level possible, influencing financial markets phys-side, though he'd admitted to Ioan, one night out on the plain, that the chances that he'd actually had a dramatic effect on the markets was astoundingly low and that the financial trajectory had likely been set by forces larger than they could manage --- at least, that was the hope that had kept him going. + +Ey knew the two 'Why's from the history: Why Ask Questions, Here At The End Of All Things was the frightfully friendly crowd-rouser who had worked with groups of individuals sys-side, while Why Ask Questions When The Answers Will Not Help had focused on similar tactics phys-side. However, given that her task was limited to text, she seemed notably out of her element in in-person interactions, coming off as petty and cruel as often as funny and sarcastic. + +The Only Time I Dream Is When I Need An Answer had acted as a manager, scheduler, and clerk for the enterprise. Wickedly intelligent, she had done more than block in times for meetings; she had organized meetings between precisely the right individuals at precisely the right times. + +To Know One's True Name Is To Know God had settled comfortably into data analysis, collecting both the raw data that she could from the perisystem feeds and the net phys-side as well as the information collected by her cocladists and the Jonases. She was a being of reports. + +To Know God Is To Answer Unasked Questions had done her best to specialize in the fields of information and game theory, but this had more often come down to simple information security and hygiene. She decided where and how far information traveled. + +Do I Know God When I Do Not Remember Myself and Do I Know God When I Dream worked as a mismatched pair. When I Do Not Remember worked as a propagandist while When I Dream worked almost entirely on the perisystem, translating back and forth for her cocladists and finding the best way to worm eir way through the inter- and intrasystem text channels. + +Were ey pressed to name each of them without knowing this information, ey didn't think ey'd be able to. Ey knew the three skunks of the stanza and could readily tell them apart, but the rest simply looked like a gaggle of the very same woman: short, soft, round face and curly black hair. However, there were indeed differences there to be seen. Why Ask Questions was just a centimeter or two taller and more open of expression. When I Do Not Remember and When I Dream both had a fixedness to their expression that ey could not quite explain; perhaps something that lingered from decades and centuries spent interacting with the abstract. + +As it was, ey did eir best to guess, and when introductions made their way around the table, ey found eir guesses to be correct in each case. + +At last, the parade of bows and greetings out of the way, each of the thirteen --- counting em, Jonas, and Zacharias --- pulled out a chair and sat down, though ey noted that End Waking didn't sit so much as hover on the very edge of his seat. He still looked wide-eyed, feral. + +``Aaalright,'' Jonas said, plopping his hands, palm down, on the table. ``To business. I'm pleased to see you're alive, but can't say that I'm pleased to see you're about.'' + +``I imagine not, no,'' True Name replied, folding her paws on the table before her. ``From what Ioan says, you know the general facts of what I know. There has been a long-running plan, perhaps mostly operating as a back-up, to shift one or more of me to the side depending on the status of the System. This revolved around the use of Zacharias as a tool to shape my responses while incomplete information kept me from recognizing this. Tell me, though. Are you still leaning on the multiple-Systems-multiple-governments strategy?'' + +Jonas nodded. ``Yes. Oligarchy on Pollux, \emph{status quo} on Castor, and invisible monarchy here on Lagrange.'' + +``You believe that this tripod will be the most stable political structure?'' + +``I know you don't agree, but it's not a tripod, True Name. By this point, the three Systems are so far apart that they are no longer three branches of the same government. They're three countries, and three countries with identical governments yet divergent societies are unstable.'' + +True Name made that setting-aside gesture, as though tabling the topic for the moment. ``And you,'' she said, nodding to Zacharias. Her expression was calm, curious, interested. ``You have been working on this with Jonas since around systime 36?'' + +``Oh, thereabouts,'' he said, grinning. ``Though if I am honest, I have always been working with the two of you. It is not that your own goals had no effect on me, my little stink bug. I played Jonas as much as I played you, and I played my own game when I could.'' + +``Bullshit,'' True Name said calmly, turning back to Jonas. ``And so what is it that--'' + +``Oh, fuck you,'' Zacharias laughed. ``You do not get to dismiss me so easily. You and I rule together, quite literally, in another life. There is no reason that I should simply be waved away.'' + +``Nah, it's bullshit,'' Jonas said, just as calm as True Name. ``If you were worth anything to this conversation, you would've been part of the preparations.'' + +``What--'' + +``You say that you are part of the stanza, do you not?'' The Only Time I Dream, the manager of the enterprise, said. + +``I am, but--'' + +``I see no evidence of such.'' + +``But May Then My Name--'' + +``May Then My Name, do you claim Zacharias as yours?'' + +She shrugged. ``Claim? No.~I do not know this Zacharias.'' + +``That is--'' + +Jonas laughed, ``Just shut up, Zacharias.'' + +``No,'' the fox growled, his whiskers all abristle and claws digging at the tabletop. ``I played my role, but that does not mean that I am some disposable Judas here. A role is as much the actor as it is-- \emph{stop!}'' + +There was a loud thump beneath the table, though this time, Zacharias appeared to have pulled his foot away in time to keep his toes from being stomped on. Instead, he pushed himself away from the table and to his feet. A brief flicker of ungrounded rage flashed across Jonas's face, but was quickly replaced by that bright, friendly grin. + +``Fine, fuck you too, then.'' + +There was no signal --- or if there was, Ioan missed it --- for Guōweī to step into the sim, hand already raised as if for a slap, a short blade held between his fingers. Unassuming, easy to carry, symbolic, and certainly crowded with whatever virus it was that induced a crash in one's instance. + +What happened next happened almost too quickly for em to comprehend. Zacharias shouted, but the cry was cut off in a muffled \emph{oomf} as an instance of May appeared near him, almost totally overlapping the space that he'd occupied. The collision algos knocked him backwards with enough force to slam him against the door, leaving him to crumple to the floor. + +Guōweī's palm came down flat against May's shoulder, but there was no time to see whether or not the virus would affect an instance so far diverged, as that instance of her quit and was immediately replaced with another one, this overlapping the assassin's space, knocking him back nearly a meter, only for the skunk to fork again to repeat the maneuver. With the momentum already in play, this sent the man flying, his head cracking against the wall hard enough to leave a sizeable dent in the drywall. + +And then it was over. Zacharias's yell faltered, and he stared up, wide eyed, with his gaze darting between Jonas and the remaining instance of May. Jonas had lurched away, looking more disgusted than startled. + +``Get the fuck out of here,'' the instance of May growled. ``And if I ever, \emph{ever} see you again, you had better believe that I will take you out myself.'' + +And then the instance quit, followed less than a second later by the fox rolling to the side to slip out of the sim. Ey imagined that if Jonas, True Name, and May would all do their best to destroy the fox on sight, the chances of seeing him again were low indeed. + +Ey'd never seen a look like that on May's face, though, even at the height of her hatred for True Name. That had been hatred, yes, but this was rage. + +``What just happened?'' ey whispered to May, who gave eir hand a squeeze in her paw and shook her head. + +``Are we done fucking around, yet?'' True Name asked, voice flat. ``Because I just want to know what it is that you want of me so that I can get back to my life.'' + +``Your \emph{life?}'' Jonas asked, incredulous. ``You want to get back to your life?'' + +``Life, yes,'' she said. ``Alive. Living. I want to get back to breathing and eating and drinking and sleeping. Do not take my words too far.'' + +He laughed, shooting his cuffs. ``Well, if \emph{that's} all you want, then we could have done without all this fuss, couldn't we?'' + +``This fuss is necessary, remember,'' When I Do Not Remember, the propagandist, said, to which Jonas sighed. + +``All you need to do is just\ldots go away. Just disappear. Just be gone, True Name. Curl up around your little Name thing and stay there.'' + +May's expression had settled back to calm, but ey could feel the tension in her paw increase, and beyond her, ey could see End Waking bare his teeth. The Odists on Jonas's side of the table flinched. None of them looked pleased. Even Why Ask Questions, jovial as she usually was, seemed to be gritting her teeth. + +\emph{Wait, does} he \emph{know?} ey wondered. If ever there was a way to keep a group of Odists in check, that might just be it. + +Only True Name, of all of them, remained calm. Serious, yes, but calm. ``What does disappearing and being gone look like to you, Jonas?'' she asked. ``Do you\ldots what? Want me to hide away in a locked-down sim forever?'' + +``I wouldn't say no,'' he shot back. + +``No.'' + +``I thought not.'' + +``So,'' she said with exaggerated patience. ``What does me disappearing look like to you?'' + +``You just can't be around. You can't be you anymore. You can't be walking around and having people point and say,''Hey, it's that piece of shit skunk!'' You need to just disappear, because anything else is just going to destabilize your precious System. Imagine! True Name, who didn't die, wants to bring back political parties! I'm prepared for that, but I don't think you are.'' + +``We are of one mind on that.'' + +Jonas snorted. ``Fuck if I believe you on \emph{that.}'' + +Ioan watched with increasing intensity. The actual words of the conversation aside, True Name's calmness seemed to be overwhelming Jonas's restraint. He seemed to be having a hard time holding back snark, all that sarcasm that made for good entertainment, perhaps, but was increasingly unbecoming for what ey thought of as a politician. + +Here was the Ode clade slowly diverging past reconciliation, here ey was mumbling all the more as the skunks had pointed out, and now Jonas Prime, for all his stability seemed to be having a hard time maintaining his own brand of control. + +Eir frown deepened. Perhaps this was more than just a political dispute. + +She shook her head, but whether at his words or his audacity, ey couldn't tell. ``Alright, disappear. You want me to stop being a figure and start being a person. You want me to be other than I am.'' + +``Yep,'' he said, grin tight and false. + +``I have already begun,'' she said, and with a brief pause, ey saw her face and shoulders relax, a sudden shift towards an expression ey knew intimately from eir partner falling across her features. She continued in a voice softer than what it had been. Lilting, less space between the syllables. ``Because I already am May Then My Name Die With Me--'' Another pause, another shift, one more towards stony and stoic, voice suddenly dry and simple, almost weary. ``--and I am already Do I Know God After The End Waking.'' Finally, she fell back into that first register. ``And some part of me remains True Name, and yet I am none of these. I could not go back to that which I was even if I wished to. Tell me what it is that you want. Lay your terms on the table plainly, and we will come to an agreement.'' + +Jonas raised his eyebrows at the shifts in expression and voice. The frowns around the table on the faces of the other Odists only deepened. + +``How can I even begin to trust you on that? You merged your two cronies, so what? You going to go cuddle-camping with Zacharias or something? You're still you.'' + +Both May and End Waking bristled at this, but neither spoke. + +``I am not what I was, Jonas. That which was True Name does not simply sit next to that of my cocladists. They are impossibly entangled. I am not what I was.'' + +``I can tell, sure, but you know that's not enough, True Name.'' + +``You have not offered your terms. We cannot come to agreement without.'' + +His voice was intent, serious in a way ey hadn't seen before. ``I am saying that you need to disappear. There is no stable future for the System if you show up in anything close to the same form as you were, and you know that. You were almost assassinated, and doubtless more than you three--'' He nodded at May, End Waking, and Ioan. ``--know. You show up as you are, and everything crumbles, or at the very least, starts to shift in unstable ways. Plan A was you gone, but plan B relies on you understanding that there's no recovery from a failed plan A that involves you.'' + +``Why did you not just ask me?'' + +``Would you have stepped down?'' he asked with a sneer. + +She frowned. ``Doubtless you had other cards to play that did not involve Guōweī, some other leverage that did not involve death. You could not convince me, but all this high drama is over the top for you.'' + +``I was bored. It sounded fun. You were right there. Why not?'' + +``You were bored,'' she said coolly. ``You were bored, so you decided to hire someone to kill me.'' + +Ioan watched Jonas's smile fall back into that uncaring cruelty, increasingly ungrounded. + +He waved his hand imperiously. ``And I'm getting bored now. I'm surprised you're still hung up on this, True Name. You're the theatre geek--'' + +``Jonas,'' When I Do Not Remember murmured, her voice a low warning. He only grinned. + +True Name sighed. ``Right. So now you\ldots what, want me to look different? Sound different? I am ready to commit to staying out of the business. You want me to act the part or something? Your terms.'' + +``You need to go away, True Name. I don't fucking care \emph{how.} You make it happen or I will.'' + +There was a moment's thoughtful silence from the skunk, her paws gripping the edge of the table, before she stood, pushed her chair back in, and turned away. Then in the most stunning display of forking ey'd ever seen, True Name began to change. + +Ioan had seen eir share of Dear's exhibitions, not to mention those of other instance artists the fox had introduced em to along the way, and the forking involved in all of them had been perfect. They were well rehearsed dances of duplication that told a story. + +However, they were, whether by association with Dear or by the art itself, fanciful. The duplication was supposed to evoke a sense of magic, of wonder --- or the closely related terror. + +In eir own work in theatre, both as an actor and as a playwright, ey'd found use for forking within a story that had remained more grounded, more tied to day to day life, and those performances had seen a success of their own through May and A Finger Pointing's guidance. + +The Odists as a whole were more familiar and comfortable with forking than anyone ey'd ever met, even among the most dispersionista of dispersionista clades. Both May and Dear navigated that aspect of their lives with a grace ey could only dream of. Even the explosions of foxes or skunks during times of excitement were skillfully done. + +This, though, went beyond that. + +As they watched, True Name began to change. She worked with a singular sense of purpose that left no doubt as to what she was doing. An instance flickered into being before herself and watched with a critical eye as skunk after skunk blinked into existence. Each one bore some slight change from their immediate down-tree instance. Sometimes an array of skunks would wind up in a line before that observing instance, which would nod at one or the other in approval to leave the others to quit. And when a change was accepted, the down-tree instance would quit. + +This smooth modification of form was in and of itself impressive for how naturally she began to change --- not only did the instance watching have to keep track of what change was happening and what would come next, but so did those doing the actual changing; they all had to be on the same page --- but what left em truly impressed was the speed. She began her work with about one fork per second, but before long the changes ramped up to two a second. Three. Nearly four changes per second of forks flickering into and out of existence, all while the orchestrating instance watched, her eyes flicking this way and that across them. + +And then, it was over. + +The result was a skunk slightly shorter than True Name had stood, though still a few centimeters taller than May. She was heavier, as well, with a curve to the hips and belly that was familiar to em from eir partner, but unlike May, this softness was more\ldots well, natural wasn't quite the right term, but where May's weight seemed to be designed to add a sense of both harmlessness and comfort to her form, this new form of True Name simply looked like a pudgy thirty-something who had settled into a comfortable weight long ago and never bothered to change. + +Her face had shifted as well, becoming plainer in ways ey couldn't quite explain. Where True Name had always had some aspect of larger-than-life about her, she now just looked\ldots normal. Still a furry, still living in that form that was more comfortable to her than humanity, but normal. + +Most striking, though, was the pattern of fur. While much of it was covered now, ey'd seen the way it had shifted during the process. Gone were the two parallel stripes, the ones ey had grown to love on May, replaced with a set of white splotches in the black of her fur. The white atop her head remained, disconnected from the patch between her eyes and two others high on her temples. The pattern was eye-catching: the patches seemed to travel in a few uneven lines down over her back and sides, one of them showing a hint of a whorl, another a slight zigzag, and others that were almost round spots. This pattern seemed to be mirrored along her spine, leading to a pleasant symmetry. A quick query of the perisystem infrastructure told em that there was indeed a spotted variety of skunk, described much as ey had seen: spotted fur, shorter tail, a shorter snout that fit somewhere between that of a skunk and that of a weasel like Debarre. + +Gone were the stripes. Gone, also, were the slacks and blouse, traded in for a linen tunic and a pair of loose-fitting Thai fisherman pants. + +When ey was finally able to tear eir eyes away, ey saw that every Odist in the room had picked up expressions that verged from taken aback to startled and angry. May, for her part, looked startled at the display, yes, but also excited and ready. It was the same look she got before performances. + +``May, what--'' + +``One moment, my dear,'' she said, then turned to face this new True Name with a grin. ``Will there be a change of name?'' + +There was a vanishingly faint hint of rehearsal to the words, well masked to anyone who didn't know her as intimately as ey did. Ey realized this must be their plan. Hers and True Name's and End Waking's, the one they'd been working on for days. + +``There\ldots there has to be,'' When I Do Not Remember said, gaze still locked on True Name, and a brief tense from May confirmed that the trap had been sprung. + +While he lacked the context for whatever had surprised her cocladists, even Jonas sounded impressed by the display. ``I won't let you leave as True Name. Stability, remember? That name means too much here.'' + +The other seven members of True Name's stanza nodded as one, and Unasked Questions said, ``You cannot be us. You cannot be who you were.'' + +The skunk bowed. ``You may call me Sasha.'' + +Ioan didn't know what ey expected from the room, but pandemonium wasn't it. May was clapping her paws delightedly and End Waking was grinning and shaking his head. Both bore the traces of rehearsal. + +Jonas simply burst out laughing, and ey couldn't miss the bitterness in it. + +All of the rest of the Odists, however, were shouting. None of them looked pleased. + +``Not Sasha of the Ode clade, just Sasha,'' she said calmly but loud enough to be heard. ``I will not relinquish the form, just as I will not relinquish the past, but if you want me out this badly, so be it. I rescind my membership in the clade.'' + +``As do I,'' End Waking said, getting a smile from Sasha. + +``\emph{That} name is unacceptable!'' When I Do Not Remember hollered. ``No.~You will pick something else!'' + +``No, I will not.'' + +``Shut the fuck up, When I Do Not Remember,'' Jonas shouted. ``All of you, shut the fuck up.'' He turned to Sasha and grinned icily, eyes now burning overbright. ``You always were a little snot. You want to be Sasha? You want to dive back into mediocrity and wear your weakness like a badge? Please, by all means, be my guest. Beg for pity again. Hunt down all your little friends who kept you feeling just bad enough that they could baby you without letting you think you were their plaything.'' + +At this, most of the stanza bridled, and there were a few louder murmurings. + +Jonas waved it away. ``Crawl back to Debarre and\ldots fuck, what was his name? user11824? Crawl into their arms and let them prop you up long after you should've died.'' + +Murmurings grew to angry mutterings. + +Jonas only laughed, and that bitterness was all the more evident. ``Go. Be Sasha. Live your silly little life. And you,'' he said through clenched teeth, jabbing a finger toward Ioan. ``Write your little story. That's what you're here for, isn't it? Write your little romance and fuck your little girlfriends and put on your little plays.'' + +May rolled her eyes. + +``Get out. All of you.'' + +The rest of the stanza left, quit, or were swept --- the sim didn't seem to render them any different. Ioan guessed swept, given that Guōweī's unconscious form also disappeared. + +All through Jonas's tirade, Sasha wore a half smile. It wasn't rehearsed, wasn't self-satisfied. She simply looked present. She looked confident in herself in some more earnest way than she had in years, as though she had changed beyond just her appearance. When it was clear that he was finished, she bowed politely. + +``See you around?'' + +``Fuck off.'' + +She laughed and reached out to take Ioan's hand in her paw, then they stepped back home, followed closely by May holding End Waking's paw. + +Once back on the plain, End Waking groaned and fell to his knees, paws digging into the soil around the tussocks of grass, then quit. May and Ioan followed suit. + +When their down-tree instances returned to the field from inside --- May bearing a (rather lopsided) cake --- they were just in time to see True Name bow to Sasha and quit. It was the last change, ey supposed, the true relinquishing of her name. + +There was a long moment of silence on the plain, then Ioan let out a ragged, pent-up breath, eir shoulders sagging. ``Can someone tell me what the fuck just happened?'' + +``Sasha did the one thing she could have done to piss Jonas off most,'' May said, grinning. ``He went in thinking he'd take everything from her and left with no wind in his sails. Well done, my dear.'' + +Sasha beamed and bowed with a flourish. + +``And you knew this?'' ey asked. + +She nodded. ``To an extent. We had discussed several options, but many of the changes were new. I saw her unwind all of the changes from the last centuries--'' + +``All the way back to Praiseworthy's suggestions before Secession,'' the other skunk said proudly. + +``--and other than the spotted skunk thing, she looks just like\ldots well, Sasha. Nice touch, by the way.'' + +``I do not think I could have gotten away with staying the same skunk, even if I look similar enough while clothed. But yes, I am back to the me of\ldots shit, when did I make Sasha like this? 2110?'' + +Ioan shook eir head, dizzy. ``This is what you looked like before uploading?'' + +``What my --- \emph{our} --- av looked like, yes, all except the change to a spotted skunk. They always felt too flashy, back then, and I just wanted to look like myself offline except a furry. Completely unremarkable and a species no one likes.'' + +``The outfit was my suggestion,'' End Waking said. ``It always was our favorite, but for some reason, we never brought it with us to the System, and I knew the rest of the stanza would pick up on that quite easily. I suspect they are driving Jonas as much as he believes he is driving them.'' + +Sasha nodded. + +``I am proud of you, Sasha,'' he continued. ``I do not yet know why I feel compelled to say that, but I am proud of you. You have much to make up for, your own penance yet to serve, but that you have done this at all is a good step forward.'' + +Ioan sighed and sat down heavily in the grass. ``You're all completely nuts.'' + +The three skunks laughed. + +``Why didn't you tell me?'' + +``For your story,'' Sasha said. ``You had to go in there with an untainted view in order to write a more earnest story at the end. That is how you work, dear.'' + +``So,'' ey said, organizing eir thoughts out loud. ``May and End Waking--'' + +``E.W.'' the skunk corrected. ``I am E.W. of no clade.'' + +The other two skunks perked up and grinned wide. + +Ioan blinked, hesitated, then continued. ``May and\ldots E.W. merged down and you\ldots I guess feel more like you used to? Back phys-side, I mean. Enough to head back to who you were before the clade began, I mean. Is that even possible?'' + +``It is not a statement of reality, dear. I cannot reintegrate those aspects of myself that are not up-tree from me, and even if I could, there are those who no longer exist or who have left Lagrange,'' she said, that slight smile growing. ``It is a statement of hope, perhaps, or a desire for completion. It is an understanding of the ways in which I fall short expressed in my very name. Will this sense of a truer life last? Perhaps. It will certainly not always feel good, and will at some point cease feeling new, but I plan on owning it for as long as I am able.'' + +``And how is it that this pisses off Jonas?'' Ey snorted. ``He certainly sounded pissed.'' + +Sasha knelt across from Ioan, followed shortly by E.W. and May to either side of em, May summoning up plates and cutting thick slices of cake. It was strange to see so many smiles, still strange to see May so happy around her down-tree instance and stranger still to see E.W. even in the same sim. + +``What Jonas was expecting was for me to remain True Name in everything except form and name,'' she said. ``He was expecting someone deeply cowed by his political genius --- and do not underestimate him, he \emph{is} still a genius. He felt that he had won his spot as rightful leader of Lagrange, if such a thing can even be said to exist. He thought that he had beaten me down and left me either unable to continue or unwilling to try.'' + +May added, ``I suspect that he is starting to crack.'' + +Ioan nodded. + +``Perhaps,'' Sasha said. ``He has not seemed fully grounded in many years, but again, do not underestimate him.'' + +Ioan jumped at a brief sensorium ping, a request to enter, followed shortly by Debarre popping into existence behind May, who had apparently admitted him. ``What was so urgent that you pulled me away from lunch and\ldots{}'' he trailed off, squinting at this new skunk. ``Who\ldots but you're\ldots what?'' + +Sasha stiffened where she knelt. ``Debarre,'' she said, bowing her head. ``A pleasure to see you.'' + +The weasel said nothing, looking stunned. + +``This is-- was Tr--'' + +``Sasha. I am Sasha. I was her as well,'' she said, voice gentle but insistent enough to stop Ioan from continuing. + +He stepped back a half pace, crouching as though to flee on foot. ``Sasha\ldots? What the fuck?'' + +Ioan, still feeling eir head spinning from so much happening so quickly, tried to pin down eir open question in eir mind while still watching the exchange intently. + +``I am not what I was, Debarre. I am not True Name. I am not May or E.W.'' She hesitated, then continued, ``I am not even the Sasha you remember, but I am, I think, closer to being her than any of the Ode clade is currently.'' + +``Bullshit,'' he growled. ``If there's even a little bit of True Name in you, you can't be her. If you're even the slightest bit her I'm fucking out of here.'' + +``Wait, my love,'' E.W. said. ``Please stay.'' + +Debarre hesitated. + +``If I am still here, do you not think that I agree with her? At least to a large enough extent to trust her?'' + +The weasel straightened up and, when May gestured to the spot beside E.W., he slowly lowered himself to a crouch as though still ready to bolt. ``I'll listen, but this had better be good.'' + +Sasha bowed, sitting quietly and fiddling anxiously with the hem of her tunic while May caught him up on the events of the past few months, letting the other three of them interject with corrections and confirmations. Throughout, Debarre waited, and while he didn't relax fully, by the end of the discussion, he was at least sitting all the way down. + +``So now you're Sasha,'' he said slowly. + +``A new Sasha. Related, but not the same Sasha you and I remember.'' + +``I'll buy that at least,'' he muttered. ``You still make me really fucking nervous.'' + +She smiled faintly. ``Do not worry, my dear. I make myself nervous.'' + +At the affectionate \emph{my dear}, the weasel jolted back. + +``My apologies,'' Sasha said quickly. ``I was not thinking. If you would like me not to use that phrase, I will do my best not to. I just have enough\ldots well, I am different enough now that it comes automatically.'' + +``You have enough of E.W. in you, you mean.'' + +She nodded. + +``I\ldots well, yeah. Not from you.'' He hesitated, eyes averted, and added, ``Please.'' + +``Of course.'' + +``So tell me how this gets you anything.'' + +Ioan sat up straight once more, unpinning eir question. ``You were saying that Jonas thought he'd beaten you.'' + +``Right, yes. He thought that he had left me so broken that I might fade away or even quit of my own accord. Instead, I became the one thing he could not control.'' + +``How, though?'' ey asked. + +``Because of the \emph{History}. The System knows about me. It knows about the Council of Eight and about Sasha and Michelle Hadje. It also knows about True Name, though, and to see that True Name has stepped down and become one of the few sympathetic figures in that same story once again means that he cannot touch me. He cannot risk reinforcing being seen as a villain--'' + +``Or more of one,'' May muttered. + +``--by coming after me. Not only that, but with the expectation that the Sasha who was on the Council was in the right when seen in contrast to True Name, I will be seen as a balancing force rather than a co-conspirator. Him working against that risks being seen as either unbalancing an effective system or a return to a two-party system that no one wants.'' + +``It is not a win, \emph{per se},'' E.W. added. ``She has not beaten Jonas, but she has entered into a stalemate with him.'' + +``Can't he still come after you, though? It's not like the whole System knows.'' + +``That is why he was so upset at you, as well, my dear,'' May said. ``You will write your book and your play, and he will just have to brace himself as best he can.'' + +``But I haven't yet, though.'' + +``Of course, but if he had decided to take Sasha out anyway, you would still be left to write about \emph{that}. Your name is already trusted enough on the System that if you were to write something after her assassination, it would still have gone poorly for him. If he had taken you out as well --- something I doubt he was prepared to do anyway --- he would be in even deeper shit.'' + +Ey shook eir head. Ey was feeling very far behind but needed to understand if ey was to write this book. More, ey needed to understand for emself. ``So why not become Michelle?'' + +``Because look at me,'' Sasha said, laughing and spreading her arms. ``I am a furry. A \emph{skunk} furry, no less. There is benefit to being something that is just a little silly, just as there always has been. Even after all these years, it is difficult to take someone pretending to be a small furry animal seriously, so that disarms me in the eyes of the observer.'' + +``So he will just leave you alone?'' + +``He will have to if he wishes to remain in his position. He answers to his desire for power, I answer only to my desire for stability and continuity. In that I remain earnest in my conviction,'' she said by way of answer. ``Even that of me which is E.W. and May. E.W. cannot love his forest if politics overwhelm his existence. May cannot hold onto her devotion. These things I know.'' + +May nodded slowly. ``You are not wrong. I would not have used such words, but you are not wrong.'' + +``That of me which remains True Name has settled down,'' she continued. ``And she still holds to the idea that politics is a means to an end. She is good at it. She enjoys it. She is willing and able to utilize it.'' + +``So,'' Debarre said. ``When did you realize this might even work?'' + +``It was a chance I took. One that might have failed, yes, but a good chance. It was all those times he talked about how you and Michelle were not fit to lead. Jonas had a view of me that was as inaccurate as it was easy to use against him. I have my political acumen and you have your own small group.'' + +Ioan watched Debarre stiffen, making note of his response. It didn't feel like the type of thing to include in the story, but it did make rather a lot of the weasel's words and actions make more sense. + +``You're nuts,'' Debarre said, rubbing his paws over his face to cover that response. ``You're all fucking nuts.'' + +Ioan gestured wildly toward the weasel. ``Confirmation! Fucking nuts!'' + +The three skunks laughed while ey and Debarre leaned across the circle to shake hands. diff --git a/mitzvot/content/old/042.tex b/mitzvot/content/old/042.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6fb0524 --- /dev/null +++ b/mitzvot/content/old/042.tex @@ -0,0 +1,490 @@ +\hypertarget{ioan-bux103lan-2350}{% +\section{Ioan Bălan --- 2350}\label{ioan-bux103lan-2350}} + +The stream of Odists who came to visit Sasha in the days and weeks after the excursion to Jonas's was surprising. They seem to have accepted her change in identity far easier than expected. There were no instances of deadnaming (unless they were specifically talking about her past as True Name, as requested), no fights, no arguments. + +Not everyone was happy, to be sure. Many of the discussions from those who stopped by were quite serious and, even though many took place in cones of silence, Ioan could easily guess that there was much in the way of airing of grievances. As far as ey could tell, though, it was done with an eye towards catharsis and reconciliation. + +Serene, for instance, came over the day after the whole kerfuffle, surprising the three of them well into the evening. They'd settled for a middle ground of dinner out on the extended balcony --- close enough to the house for them to cook a proper dinner without leaving Sasha feeling cooped up inside --- when the ping against their sensoria caused the three to jolt as one. + +``That will be Serene!'' May said excitedly, setting her half-finished plate down and hopping to her feet. ``I opened the ACLs to a few, hope you do not mind.'' + +``Opened-- wait, when?'' Ioan asked, setting eir own plate down. ``And to how many?'' + +But the skunk was already gone, bounding inside to greet the fox with a hug and excited chattering. + +Ioan and Sasha followed more sedately, both waiting until May had gotten her greeting out of the way before bowing to Serene. + +``Ioan, a pleasure! It has been too long,'' she said, grinning widely. The grin faded, and she nodded to the spotted skunk. ``And Sasha.'' + +``Serene, thank you for stopping by. I was not expecting to see you so soon.'' + +``I do not imagine so. May Then My Name has been conspiring behind the scenes, so this was all worked out ahead of time.'' + +``Oh? How cheeky,'' Sasha said, laughing. ``Were you really that confident that everything would work out, dear?'' + +May shook her head. ``Reasonably confident, but I want Arrowhead Lake back no matter what, so I arranged for us a little meeting.'' + +``Skunks, I swear.'' Ioan shook eir head. ``Well, welcome all the same. We've got pasta, if you'd like.'' + +Once she'd heaped a plate high with food, Serene followed them out onto the balcony to join them for the rest of their meal. She wrinkled her nose at the sight of the plain. ``I suppose this was the best one could do on short notice, yes?'' + +``It wasn't too much, and it fit the need, yeah.'' + +``It has served its purpose,'' Sasha said. ``And it is not so bad close up. A little too flat, perhaps, but the river is nice.'' + +Serene nodded and finished a mouthful of food before setting her fork down again. ``I have at least come bearing a gift.'' + +``Did you find your student?'' + +``Yes. He was still about, though he has\ldots changed much in the intervening years. He was not as pleased to see me as I might have liked.'' + +Sasha dipped her snout. ``I am assuming that he has picked up on the sentiment surrounding the clade.'' + +Serene nodded. ``He read the \emph{History} and came to the same conclusion that the rest of the System did. Our name is not mud, but, my dear, relationships changed after that knowledge became public.'' + +``I understand.'' + +``I do not want to hear you say that you are sorry, Sasha. I do not think that is how this works as you are now, not for me. I do not want to hear your justifications and explanations; I can understand them as well as anyone. I just want to hear your acknowledgement.'' + +After setting her plate and fork down on the low table again, Sasha folded her paws in her lap, sat for a moment in silence, then said, ``For as much as I tried to do --- for as much as Jonas and I both tried to do --- I do not think we had nearly the effect on the world around us we thought we did, not on the grand scale. We played our games of politics and influence, but it was a game of relationships from start to finish, you are correct. True Name changed relationships. May Then My Name changed relationships. E.W. played his part. I do not know if it was for the better or the worse, but I do acknowledge that it made a good many of them far more difficult.'' + +``Well, okay. Perhaps one apology.'' + +``I am sorry, Serene; Sustained And Sustaining.'' + +There was another moment of silence, then Serene's wild grin returned. ``Well, that felt good. Praiseworthy did all that shit, too, so, fuck it. Let me finish my food and I will fuck your sim up but good.'' + +Ioan blinked, looking between skunk and fennec. ``Wait, that simple?'' + +``Of course, my dear,'' Serene said around a mouthful of pasta. ``I already told you of my thoughts on the matter. I have done my processing.'' + +``And now you cannot simply say something about skunks being brats,'' May chimed in. ``Though I am pretty sure we all knew that foxes were, too.'' + +Serene made a rude gesture, still grinning. + +Once they'd finished dinner, Serene stood, stretched, and then leaned against the balcony railing staring out over the plain. Her expression was calm, pleasant, though focused on something ey couldn't see. ``Ioan, I will need ACLs over at least the exterior, including your yard, though I will do my best to keep it intact.'' + +Ey nodded, focused, and made the grant. + +``Thank you. Now, you may stay out here and watch, but I warn you that it can be a bit dizzy-making.'' + +Ey exchanged glances with the two skunks and shrugged. ``I think we're all eager to see.'' + +``Suit yourself. It was your dinner. Thank you, by the way.'' + +There was no further announcement. Nor, even, any change in Serene. She still looked out over the railing with a dreamy, far away look on her face even as the world dropped out beneath them. + +The plain rippled and flexed, arching up high to the sky as though stretching after a long nap. Trees pried their way from the soil. Rocks broke free from the land. The river --- the one immediately before them, at least --- collapsed into itself to form a wide lake. The rest of the distant echoed versions of the plain where not occupied by the immediate mountains crinkled into some more complex geometry, the remainder of the range echoed outside the valley. + +It \emph{was} a little vertigo-inducing, too. The worst of it wasn't due to the sudden change in the shape of the landscape, but in just how, well\ldots serene it all was. The river shaping itself into the lake was not accompanied by some grand splashing of waves, but simply the remaking of the water. There were no falling rocks or grand earthquakes, just the reshaping of the world. The light shifted. Gravity swayed, settled. All of it was silent, anechoic. + +And then it was done. + +``H-holy fuck,'' ey managed, clutching at the railing of the balcony. Both May and Sasha stood defiantly against the change, though neither looked as casual as the fox. + +``I have set your house up the hill a ways from the default entry point to the old sim. That it was already on stilts proved quite useful. The angle of the sun may be a bit different, but not so much as to be a problem,'' she said, gesturing them down the steps from Sasha's side of the balcony. They landed on a flagstone pad set into the bed of pine needles, a small trail winding its way down the slope toward the water. She gestured toward the small ridge that rose next to them. ``I had to modify the terrain a little bit to keep your yard level. You should be okay, but if you run into erosion problems, do let me know. I have been told of your affinity for weather, Ioan.'' + +Sure enough, the fence remained level, wrapping around a small rectangle of hidden grass and dandelions, the tops of lilac bushes overflowing. + +The path teed with the long familiar deer trail that wound around the lake, and, out of habit, they all started down towards the rock. + +``Fauna?'' Serene asked. + +``Please.'' Sasha smiled sheepishly. ``I would not like a repeat of that particular mistake.'' + +Grinning and nodding, Serene kept up her steady pace, humming a little under her breath. There was no change that ey could see, though ey imagined her counting deer, rabbits, squirrels, and birds into existence. + +For eir part, ey simply walked, hand in paw with May, and marveled. Ey'd discovered the lake decades ago, had spent countless days out here on walks, and at least one night camping. Still, it felt somehow new. Ey was rediscovering this place that ey'd not seen in months --- though ey'd spent longer stints away from it in the past --- and marveling at the detail all over again. A glance back over eir shoulder showed eir flat-roofed house peeking shyly from amid the trees, but other than that, it was, ey assumed, the same as it had been. + +After so long away and after so much stress it felt all the more real. + +They sat on the rock near the end of the lake and enjoyed the last of the sun. It was a little tight for four, but May tucked quite nicely up against eir side and Sasha, having slipped more into an E.W. mindset, had settled off to the side. She looked antsy, and ey suspected she'd request time to hike soon enough. + +``How is the rest of the clade taking this?'' she asked. ``I sent a clade-wide message, but have not received responses.'' + +Serene looked up from where she was investigating a few pine needles plucked from a branch on the way over with a discriminating eye. ``I think that reactions will be largely positive even if they are not universally so. Several of my stanza have been been talking, and many feel as I do. It is fine, I am sure, and I have processed what I needed to and gotten what I wanted.'' + +``Of course. I have been abandoned by the rest of my stanza, but at this point, the larger part of me does not want to have anything to do with them, anyway. I do not imagine Loss For Images and her ilk will take it well. I do hope that A Finger Pointing and I will have a chance to speak soon, as I am now enough May that I would enjoy attending a play or two.'' + +``\,`May'?'' Serene said, tiling her head and looking to the other skunk. ``Have you forgiven her, then?'' + +May nodded. ``Forgiven is maybe not the best word. I have internalized the way things are and accepted the way things were. I am pleased to know Sasha and who she has become.'' + +The other skunk smiled faintly, nodded. ``Though for all Ioan talked about trying to fix things, I place the largest part of who I have become on you, dear.'' + +``I wasn't going to say anything,'' Ioan said, grinning. + +May elbowed em in the side. ``Hush, you.'' + +``I will not laugh at you two too much, then.'' Serene laughed anyway, though not unkindly. ``What are your plans moving forward? I trust that you are essentially locked out of what you were working on as True Name.'' + +``Yes, and while there is a part of me that remains disappointed about this outcome, there is little to be done about it but move forward.'' Sasha brought her tail around to her lap to brush it out. It was shorter than a striped skunk's tail, it seemed, and less thickly furred. ``I will take a vacation, first. I will sleep a normal amount. I will eat good food. I will wear myself out on the hunt and take what comfort I can while I remain here. I will rest, and then I will write.'' + +``Write? Really?'' + +``Yes. I must be careful not to be seen as overtly influencing lest I bring on Jonas's ire, but I would like to share the story of the last few centuries from my point of view. I do not know who will be interested except perhaps our two clades, but I will write.'' + +``Well, if it's anything like the \emph{History},'' Ioan said, ``it'll wind up wildly popular and then fade into part of the mythos of the System.'' + +May grinned. ``And all will be as it should.'' + +``Of course. I will not complain. So long as I am better able to understand who I have become and fill my time with something fulfilling, then I will be happy.'' + +``\emph{Will} you be happy?'' Serene asked. + +There was a long silence as Sasha finished brushing out her tail and spent a few minutes simply staring across the lake, perhaps mapping the opposite shore and marking spots for future exploration. + +Finally, she said, ``I think that I will be. I am of three minds and will ever be such. I will hate myself, sometimes, and I will love myself, too. I will have moments of happiness, moments of sadness and terror and regret, but they will ever be in thirds.'' + +``Are you okay with that?'' + +Sasha stood and stretched, finally turning her gaze back to them. ``Himself has but to will And easy as a Star Look down upon Captivity And laugh.'' + +With no further explanation, she bowed and edged around them on her way down off the rock. She moved quietly and efficiently, and it was a matter of moments before they lost sight of her in the trees. + +They sat and shared quiet stories of the past through the remainder of the evening. + +\begin{center}\rule{0.5\linewidth}{0.5pt}\end{center} + +The next Odists to visit were A Finger Pointing and Slow Hours, once more arriving as a pair and hugging Sasha in turn. They set up a cone of silence and spoke together for a scant twenty minutes before dropping it again and inviting Ioan and May to join. They pulled the beanbag a little closer to the couch and settled down on it together to listen. + +``It is easy to say that all is full of love,'' Slow Hours began, smiling to Sasha. ``But now, I think, you have a sense of your own.'' + +The skunk smiled and bowed her head. + +``Life will be easier for a while, and then it will be harder. You will share your loves, first with another and then with solitude, and with each you long for the other until you return.'' Her expression slipped into a lopsided grin. ``Does not matter one fucking bit, though, so I would not worry.'' + +``Mere breath?'' Sasha asked, grinning. + +``A chasing after the wind, yes.'' + +``And you will come to a performance,'' A Finger Pointing added. ``I am no oracle, but if you do not come, I will hunt you down myself. It has been too long, my dear.'' + +She laughed. ``Of course. So many threats to hunt me down, these days. But yes, thank you.'' + +``And if you do not watch me perform my monologue, I will trim your claws too short in your sleep,'' May said. ``There is a monologue night coming up soon.'' + +``Jesus, May. That is far worse than being hunted down. I will be there.'' + +May preened. + +After that, they fell into comfortable conversation. Sasha joined Ioan and May on the beanbag to get some pets --- the talk having apparently nudged the affectionate part of her to the fore --- while Slow Hours spoke in fewer 'will's and 'shall's and settled down into the normal conversational mode of the rest of the Odists. They spoke of performances past, going all the way back to before the founding of the System, back to their time in high school. The four Odists performed a small segment of the Dickinson play they always seemed to quote from, a first for any of the Bălans in the nearly fifty years their clades had been entangled. + +Ey didn't understand, but ey didn't need to. + +\begin{center}\rule{0.5\linewidth}{0.5pt}\end{center} + +It was nearly a month before Debarre, Douglas, and Sasha agreed to meet. Debarre's side of the negotiations remained stiff and distant, the weasel initially refusing to see Sasha after that first meeting. Douglas seemed to have set aside any sense of caution, speaking with palpable excitement. As soon as he'd learned of the change of name back to something more closely associated with his distant relative, he'd hardly spoken of anything else. + +Eventually, though, meeting was set up for dinner on the dandelion-dotted field, a small potluck picnic late in the evening so that the skunks wouldn't overheat in the sun. + +Everyone arrived simultaneously by Debarre's request so that no one was left waiting for anyone else. Ioan, May, and Sasha stepped into the sim just in time to see Debarre and E.W. arriving. The six of them stood in a circle in front of Douglas's stoop, dandelions and evening bumblers tickling at their ankles. + +Or, at least they stood in a circle for a moment. Sasha almost immediately stumbled back from the group, turning in two slow, wavering circles before falling to her knees. + +``Sasha?'' Ioan said, startled. + +``Too much,'' she mumbled shakily. ``Too much at once.'' + +May padded over to kneel next to her. ``May I hug?'' + +After a moment of strained silence, Sasha slumped against May's side, and the two sat together while she let out that overwhelming emotion within a cone of silence. + +Ioan, Debarre, E.W., and Douglas took the time to set up the picnic, a rickety table bearing plates of various salads, roasted vegetables, and the makings for venison sandwiches, courtesy of E.W.. They moved in silence, hesitantly, each pausing every now and then to watch as Sasha slowly worked to calm herself. + +``That was not the greeting that I had intended,'' she said, once she had cleaned up in Douglas's house and joined them at the table to pick up a plate. ``I was hoping that I would be able to greet you all politely, settle into some easier conversation, but that of True Name has not been here in too long. This place is too charged with memories, as are your faces. Even for that of E.W. and May, there is too much bound up in the last few months.'' + +``Are you feeling better now?'' Douglas asked. + +She sniffled and nodded. ``I am leaning on the other portions of myself now. I will have much processing to do yet, but tonight is for dinner with friends, or at least with those I hope will be friends.'' + +``I certainly hope we'll be friends.'' Douglas laughed. ``I mean, those are the first words we've ever really spoken to each other, but I'm happy to have the chance to meet you.'' + +``Or at least meet a third of me.'' + +``Well, yes, but you're still a new person to me and very\ldots uh,'' he trailed off, frowning down to his plate. ``Well, very close to someone I've thought a lot about, I guess.'' + +She smiled and leaned over to pat his shoulder. ``We will talk, dear. That part of me has heard so much about you and is so colored by what the other parts of me know, that I am eager to learn, as well.'' + +Debarre remained stiff and awkward, even as they settled down on the blanket to eat, plates piled high with various dishes and cups of sangria set carefully in the grass behind them. He wouldn't make eye contact with Sasha and seemed hesitant to speak even to Ioan and May. + +Eventually, he cleared his throat, set his plate down, and stared steadily at Sasha. ``I think you owe me an apology. At least from the, uh\ldots what did you call it? The True Name part of you?'' + +As she had done with Serene, Sasha set her plate down as well, folded her paws in her lap, and bowed to the weasel. Ioan could tell by the set of her features and the straightness of her shoulders that she was indeed doing her best to keep that part of her at the fore. ``I am sorry, Debarre. The things that I did were for what I thought was best, but they wound up hurting a good many people. They were not fair to you and I apologize for the pain I caused. While I do not think I even \emph{could} anymore, I will all the same endeavor not to act in such single-minded ways again.'' + +Ioan couldn't read Debarre's expression well enough to gauge his thoughts on the matter, but judging by the way he loosened up and joined in more of the conversations after that, speaking even with Sasha, he seemed to at least have accepted the words to an extent. + +Debarre and E.W. stayed for a few hours after dinner, long enough to see the first stars show themselves above the field, before they stepped back to the skunk's sim. + +Shortly after, Sasha stood, the other three following suit. She hugged Ioan and May around the shoulders and gave each of them a touch of the nose to the cheek. ``If you two do not mind, I would like to go for a walk with Douglas and speak with him alone.'' + +They nodded and returned the hugs and kisses, getting hugs from Douglas as well before they stepped back home. + +``Do you think Douglas still puts too much stock in who you used to be?'' Ioan asked once they were home and comfortable. + +May was a while in answering. ``Perhaps, yes. We are not Michelle, have not been for centuries. None of us are Sasha --- least of all Sasha.'' + +Ioan nodded, brushing out the skunk's tail with a fine-toothed comb as ey'd been commanded. ``He really relaxed after uploading, at least. Just a few little spikes in interest when certain things came up.'' + +``As hyperfixations go, it is a relatively innocuous one,'' she said, yawning. ``But I am at least pleased to see that he is both engaging with other things and finding fulfillment in this aspect of his life when he can.'' + +``Besides, it's not like you guys don't hyperfixate on things.'' + +``Mmhm,'' she mumbled sleepily. ``But all the same, we have been slowly drifting away from what we used to be over the years, and in the face of all that we have seen, that is not such a bad thing.'' + +``How do you feel about her apology?'' + +``How do you mean?'' + +Ey shrugged. ``It felt\ldots I don't know, a little rehearsed, maybe.'' + +May curled in against eir side, yawning once more. ``Perhaps. She said what Debarre needed to hear, I think, and it was no less earnest for that. As much as he means to us, that is no bad thing, either.'' + +\begin{center}\rule{0.5\linewidth}{0.5pt}\end{center} + +Ioan wasn't sure why ey kept feeling surprised at the number of loose threads from just one event that needed tying. The business with Qoheleth had been about as complicated, and had required meeting with several other Odists in order to finish the story, and each one came with a different tenor. + +The same was true here, as well. Many members of the clade --- some of whom ey'd not yet met --- visited and requested time with Sasha or with the three of them. Still, ey realized, this culmination came after two and a quarter centuries for some, so perhaps it made sense. + +Not all of these interactions went smoothly. + +Barely a month after that dinner with Debarre and Douglas on the field, two of the most dramatic happened within the span of a week. + +May stumbled in the middle of a Wednesday morning rehearsal, falling to her knees, panting, before pushing herself to her feet. She managed to make it through the rest of the scene before forking off so that she could continue as best she could while her root instance ducked back home. + +Once there, she darted over towards where Ioan\#Trackers sat at eir desk, working through the process of writing Jonas's book. She knelt beside em, clutched a pawful of eir shirt and set up a cone of silence. Ey felt the ACL-scape of the cone shift several times until it was just about as secure as could be made. + +``May? What--'' + +``Zacharias! He has been pinging me once every few seconds for the last minute!'' She was on the verge of hyperventilation, eyes wide and tail bristled. ``I do not know what-- \emph{fuck!}'' + +Ioan slid from eir chair as the skunk started to slump over to the side. Ey helped her to her feet and over to the beanbag. ``May, what's happening?'' + +``He keeps\ldots quitting and\ldots sending high-priority merges\ldots{}'' she gasped. ``The cone will not\ldots stop those\ldots{}'' + +``You okay for a few seconds?'' + +Slumped over on the beanbag, the skunk nodded. + +Ey stepped from the cone, where May had clearly blocked sensorium messages from the fox, so that ey could holler into a message, ``What the fuck do you want?'' + +``Ioan! I need to\ldots can I--'' + +``No.~No coming over.'' + +``A neutral place?'' + +``Do you need May there?'' + +``Yes!'' + +Ey sighed. ``I'll ask. No guarantees.'' + +``No, I\ldots no,'' the skunk mumbled once ey stepped back into the cone. She'd managed to sit up and while the panicked look on her face had calmed, the beginnings of rage had taken its place. ``He cannot come here.'' + +``Maybe Douglas's to keep him from being too much? If Sasha's reaction was anything to go by, it might quell him, or at least keep him distracted.'' + +The skunk sat, silent, for a moment, holding onto one of eir hands tightly. ``Will Douglas be around to sweep if needed?'' + +Ey nodded. + +``Now?'' + +``Yeah, I think so. I'm not sure I trust that he'll leave you alone if we put him off.'' + +``I--'' + +They were interrupted by a rapidly crescendoing thudding sound followed by the scrabble of claws on the glass of the sliding door, Sasha finally finding purchase and whipping it open. May dropped the cone of silence. + +``What the fuck is happening?!'' Sasha shouted. + +``You too, then?'' + +Sasha frowned, straightened up, and brushed out her tunic. ``Yes. He just about knocked me out with the amount of adrenaline he sent my way. You look ready to go, though. Do you have a plan?'' + +``We're going to meet him at Douglas's field. That's about the start and end of it, though.'' Ioan took a deep breath and tried to tamp down the urge to pace. ``Do you want to come?'' + +Ey watched a complex set of emotions play out over her features. She stood still for nearly a minute, working to master them, before nodding. ``Yes. Let us get this the fuck over with.'' + +Ioan sent a message to Zacharias spoken aloud for the skunks' benefit. ``The Field\#002a0b1.'' + +The reply was frantic. ``What?! No!'' + +``There or no meeting.'' + +``F-fine.'' + +Ioan helped May to her feet and placed a kiss atop her head before the three of them forked and stepped from the sim. + +Douglas stood at the top of his stoop, arms crossed, frowning. ``Ioan, what is this?'' + +``Zacharias made it out of the whole thing alive,'' May growled. ``And now he is losing his mind and wants to meet. I will not have him at our home.'' + +Douglas's frown deepened. ``So you're bringing him here? The ACLs are pretty locked down right now.'' + +``Yes. I do not want to meet him at all, but I do not imagine he will simply leave me alone.'' She spent a moment composing herself, plastering a mask of confidence over her anxiety. ``We need somewhere where someone can sweep him if need be.'' + +``If you say so,'' he said, paused, then continued, ``Alright, he should be able to enter.'' + +Ioan nodded and sent a ping to Zacharias. + +He arrived within a fraction of a second, yelped, and fell backwards, paws balled up into fists and pressed tight against his eyes. + +``How long has it been for you, my dear? Since you were forked?'' May said, kneeling down before the fox. Her voice had grown cloyingly sweet, that `my dear' taking on a spiteful tone. + +``Y-yes,'' he gasped. ``Did\ldots did we have to meet here?'' + +``Where better?'' Sasha said. She stood nearby, arms crossed, impassive, looking almost bored, though Ioan could see the energy it was taking for her to keep that up. + +Zacharias moaned. He forced himself to lower his paws to the ground, gripping at clumps of grass and dandelions. Finally, he opened his eyes and stared out toward the horizon of the field. ``I--'' + +``What did you want, my dear Zack? You sounded nearly on the verge of panic,'' May said. + +``It is Jonas!'' he said, finally snapping out of his daze. ``Jonas! He has gone crazy! He killed all of my instances!'' + +``Did you expect anything else, little loverfox?'' Sasha asked. There was no humor or sweetness in her voice, the last two words carried venom in them. + +``I\ldots I mean--'' + +``You are the root instance, I am assuming?'' + +He nodded, the movement jerky and uneven. ``I have not left home since. I dug a new one, you see, and he found that one somehow.'' + +``And what can we do for you?'' May asked. + +``Help! You can help me get away from that\ldots that lunatic!'' + +Sasha frowned. ``Can you not dig another home?'' + +He reached out to clutch at May's paws. She startled backwards, but did nothing to push him away. ``I cannot\ldots I cannot just disappear! Months! It has been months since I have seen anyone. Anyone! I have to\ldots to be near--'' + +``No,'' she said flatly. + +``But--'' + +``No.'' The skunk shook her head, leaned forward and touched her nose to his. ``Not me. Not Sasha. Not us. You are on your own, Zacharias. I will not accept any further messages or merges. No contact.'' + +He slouched once more, eyes still wide. ``May Then My Name, I--'' + +``No contact.'' She extracted one of her paws from his and slapped him firmly across the snout. ``And that is for before.'' + +Yelping, he fell back onto an elbow. He opened his mouth to respond, but May had already nodded towards Douglas, who swept him from the sim. + +She remained kneeling for a moment, then started to shake, crumpling down onto the grass, panting heavily. Ioan knelt beside her until she'd cried herself dry while Douglas and Sasha sat on the steps leading up to his house, watching in silence. + +``I've never seen you like that before,'' he said, once they'd made their way inside, the four of them clutching glasses of water. ``I knew he was a shitbag, but goddamn.'' + +``I am\ldots not okay,'' she said, whispering down to her glass. ``I am not okay.'' + +``It is not a mode either of us are comfortable with,'' Sasha said quietly, ``but it is the only mode that would have gained us peace. Any weakness would be taken as an opening.'' + +Douglas nodded. He didn't look convinced. + +``I am sorry. After 226 years, one learns to use contempt with precision, however dear the cost.'' She reached out to take one of May's paws in her own. Both of them looked exhausted. ``Even so, I do not expect that is the last we will hear from him.'' + +They didn't stay long after. Ioan eventually promised Douglas that they'd catch up another time and then gently nudged the skunks to quit and merge back down. + +The rest of the day was silent. Ioan and May collapsed onto the beanbag and stayed there through much of it, each processing in their own way, while Sasha disappeared outside to lose herself in the wilderness, not returning until late that evening, bearing a lanky hare and double-pawful of chantarelles, which she cooked down into a simple stew. They ate on the balcony to enjoy the late summer's evening as best they could. + +Sasha joined them in bed that night, and they took what comfort they could from each other's company. + +\begin{center}\rule{0.5\linewidth}{0.5pt}\end{center} + +The more dramatic of the meetings, however, came that weekend. It was quieter, perhaps, but bearing more weight, more finality. + +The rest of the week had remained tense, with Sasha wafting in and out of the house to follow her unsettled moods while May remained quiet, nearly silent, nearly always stuck by Ioan's side. Ey knew ey should probably start laying in supplies for her overflowing, but ey was still distracted trying to pick apart the events with Zacharias. In light of eir desire to keep both of them safe and close, much of the fury that had come with eir first meeting with the fox threatened to reappear every time ey thought about the two skunks. + +Which, naturally, was quite often. + +It was not exactly the best of timing, then, when If I Am To Bathe In Dreams, an elegant, if severe-looking, skunk arrived late on a Saturday afternoon on a few minutes' notice and bowed formally to the three of them. + +``Ioan, I believe Jonas hired you as an amanuensis?'' she said. + +``He did, yes. Do you need me for that, too?'' + +``Please. This story is not over, will not be over for a long time yet. Listen. Watch.'' + +Sasha immediately picked up on the mood and stood up straight after returning the formal bow. She offered In Dreams a seat and something to drink, both of which were declined, then said, ``How may I help you?'' + +``I have a request from both my stanza and that of Memory Is A Mirror Of Hammered Silver. You will also be presented with this request in writing as an individual-eyes-only message.'' + +Sasha nodded. ``I understand.'' + +``We request no contact from you, your stanza, or the Bălan clade moving forward.'' + +``Wait, what?'' Ioan said. May edged around a little ways behind em, clutching at eir arm. + +``You are too entangled in the matter. No contact with this situation means no contact from you, May Then My Name Die With Me, or E.W. \emph{né} Do I Know God After The End Waking. This request is in effect until further notice, and applies to our stanzas on Castor and Pollux as well, where Dear, Also, The Tree That Was Felled will be presented with the same notice. None of us are on Artemis, but I will also be passing this on to Sorina Bălan. This includes general intraclade communication; we will add visibility exceptions to our messages and request that you do the same.'' + +``I understand, accept, and offer you my best,'' Sasha said, bowing once more. + +``I do not want your best,'' In Dreams said, voice flat. ``Ioan?'' + +Ey blinked, hesitated, then bowed in turn. ``I understand and accept.'' + +``And May Then My Name?'' + +It took the skunk a moment to swallow back a rising wave of emotions before she could manage a shaky nod and a hoarse, ``Understood.'' + +``We are of one mind, then,'' she said, bowed, and stepped from the sim. A few seconds later, three sheets of paper scrolled out of the air above the dining table, all set as individual-eyes-only for each of them. Ioan read through eirs several times with a hollow feeling in eir chest. + +Sasha stood still for a long minute, head bowed, then stepped outside without a word, at which point May burst into tears. + +Ioan did eir best to comfort her, but after an hour, she gently pushed em away. ``I need\ldots I need the house to myself, please.'' + +``Should I head to Douglas's?'' + +She shook her head. ``I do not know, Ioan. I just\ldots I just need the house. If you can\ldots I mean, if Sasha will let you stay at her tent, you can stay, but I need the house.'' + +``Now?'' + +Nodding, she wrapped her arms around em and squeezed tighter than ey knew she could. ``I love you more than anything, my dear, but yes. Now.'' + +Ey waited until ey could breathe properly after the squeeze, then kissed the top of her head. ``I love you too, May. Please be safe, okay?'' + +She nodded once more, relinquished her grip on em, and nudged em out toward the back door and outside. + +Sasha had set up a tent similar to E.W.'s, though she had skipped the process of building it herself, instead creating from similar materials off the exchange. She'd set it up nearly on the other side of the lake from their house, so that she could have the solitude that she needed without having to create some new sim of her own. When the need for space struck her, it never quite got to the point that it did with E.W. She would need away from their presences, she would say. They felt like a constant weight on her shoulders. Light, yes, but continually present. + +Ah well. This was the first time that May had overflowed in this living situation --- and so dramatically, too --- so perhaps it would be helpful after all. + +Ey took eir time walking around the shore of the lake, using it to vent the emotions that had built up over the last few hours through tears, through shouting into a cone of silence, cursing. + +``Ioan? Goodness,'' Sasha said. + +Ey'd managed to mostly clean up with a handkerchief, though clearly eir eyes were still red-rimmed and eir countenance\ldots well, who knew? Glum, perhaps? + +``Hi Sasha,'' ey said, sitting down on the step leading up into the tent. The skunk had been writing at the small desk she'd acquired, but she moved to join em. ``May's not in a good spot. She suggested I stay with you, if that's alright.'' + +She frowned, nodded. ``That bad?'' + +``Well, she kind of kicked me out of the house, yeah.'' + +She laid her ears flat. ``We are perhaps both overflowing in our own ways.'' + +``Oh, shit. I wasn't thinking. Douglas--'' Ey moved to stand, but she grabbed eir wrist. + +``I had seen this coming, if I am honest, so it is not hitting me quite so hard as her. I will be okay.'' + +Ey nodded, slowly settled back onto the step. ``If you say so.'' + +Sasha patted eir hand and bade em stay while she got up to stoke up the fire in her stove and fry up a simple meal of potatoes and vegetables. Ey couldn't tell if it was just bland --- as E.W. preferred --- or if eir mind was too busy to process taste, so ey mostly just pushed the food around on the plate. + +``Without contraries is no progression,'' Sasha murmured after they'd finished. ``Attraction and repulsion, reason and energy, love and hate, are necessary to human existence.'' + +Ey started to ask what she meant, paused, then looked the words up in the perisystem architecture. ``Blake? And here I thought you all were mostly into Dickinson.'' + +She chuckled and elbowed em in the side. ``This may be a True Name thing.'' + +``Are you leaning into the''Good is the passive that obeys reason; Evil is the active springing from Energy'' on this, then?'' + +``Nothing is so simple, dear,'' she said, shaking her head. ``Blake was not of our kind, he would not have understood. He did get that right, though, in that we are a people of dualities. May sees in Zacharias all that she cannot --- must not --- be. In Dreams and Hammered Silver see in me that which they are not --- could not be --- and yet we are not what we are without our opposites. Every idea's opposite is just the absence of the idea itself.'' + +``Maybe.'' Ey sighed. ``It's all a bit over my head.'' + +``I am also a little bit all over the place,'' she admitted. ``These events have me going in three different directions at once. The Ode clade is crumbling and I cannot deny that some\ldots that much of that is on me. I am sorry, Ioan.'' + +``I don't even know what to think about that,'' ey said, shaking eir head. ``It's kind of a lot.'' + +``That it is. You are a good person, though. You love your partner. She knows this. \emph{I} know this. You are good to her and it will all be okay. We may hope for neat endings but all we get are more beginnings.'' She smiled, adding, ``And yes, you may stay until she is feeling better.'' diff --git a/mitzvot/content/old/043.tex b/mitzvot/content/old/043.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..8dddc5b --- /dev/null +++ b/mitzvot/content/old/043.tex @@ -0,0 +1,226 @@ +\hypertarget{ioan-bux103lan-2350}{% +\section{Ioan Bălan --- 2350}\label{ioan-bux103lan-2350}} + +May's stint of overflowing only lasted two nights. Something about the change in context, though, about staying with Sasha instead of Douglas, made everything feel tenuous, delicate. Ioan found it difficult to sleep on the padded cot that she'd added to the tent, and eventually, she must have grown tired of hearing em toss and turn (and perhaps mumble to emself), for she sleepily climbed out of her own bed and into eirs, curling up with em after confirming that it was alright. + +Unexpected, perhaps, but by then ey was too frustrated and exhausted to think of anything else. The added comfort certainly worked in getting em to sleep, to the point where ey slept in until a ray of sun, creeping slowly, fell across eir face and warmed em awake. + +Sasha had apparently woken up earlier in the morning and snuck away, as there was a lukewarm cup of camp coffee sitting by the edge of eir bed and no skunk to be found. + +Ah well, at least the coffee was good (if gritty) and ey felt better rested than ey had before. + +Ey met up with her at the shore of the lake where they talked for a bit, though it was clear that she was antsy to head out into the woods on her own, so ey eventually shooed her off, to which she bowed gratefully and said, ``My notes are on my desk. If you get bored, I would appreciate your feedback.'' + +Ey spent the rest of the abbreviated day reading through what she'd written, making a mental list of ideas and suggestions to pass on to her when things were a little less hectic. + +That night was much the same, with the two of them talking until it was well and truly dark, then settling into their own beds until sleeplessness led to them curling together in one. + +A ping from May shortly after sunrise woke em, and the jolt startled Sasha awake as well. + +``Uh, sorry,'' ey mumbled, extricating eir arms from around her. ``May pinged.'' + +Sasha levered herself up and squinted out into the orange and pink of dawn. ``How is she up before me?'' she grumbled. + +``Probably because she got good sleep and I kept you up being a mope.'' + +She shrugged noncommittally, yawned. ``Slept well enough later on, at least. Did she say anything?'' + +Ey shook eir head. ``No, just a ping. No real urgency, though. Surprised I didn't sleep through it.'' + +``You are appropriately keyed to her, dear. I would be surprised if you did.'' + +``Mm, fair enough,'' ey said, grinding the heels of eir palms against eir eyes. To May, ey sent a ping in response, plus a subvocalized, ``\emph{You okay?}'' + +``\emph{Better, yes,}'' came the reply. ``\emph{I am feeling quite bad about sending you off like that. Not about waking you up, though. You sound cute when you are groggy.}'' + +Ey snorted, shook eir head. ``Yeah, she's fine,'' ey said. + +Sasha surprised em by joining em on the trek back to the house, saying only, ``I have been worried, as well.'' + +May greeted them at the balcony with steaming mugs of coffee. She declined a hug, stating that she felt gross, but did at least press her nose to Ioan's, and then to Sasha's cheek. + +``Thank you for giving me some space,'' she said. ``I was not expecting the both of you, but I am happy to see you two all the same.'' + +``Of course, May. I'm just happy to see you doing better. Or happier, at least. You look a mess.'' + +She scoffed and gestured a paw down at herself. ``I look perfectly fine, thank you very much.'' + +``You look a mess, dear,'' Sasha confirmed. ``You need a shower, a change of clothes, and perhaps another four hours of sleep.'' + +May sighed, nodded. ``I do at that. All the same, the wave has crested and gone, and now perhaps I can relax enough to do so. Coffee first, though. + +They settled on deck chairs for Sasha's sake and focused on said coffee for a bit, watching the dawn. It was good to be back to coffee that didn't require straining out the occasional percolated ground through one's teeth. + +``Are you two okay?'' May said at last. + +``Tired, but that's easily fixed. Looking forward to a real bed tonight.'' + +Sasha poked at eir knee with a dull claw. ``The tent beds are not \emph{that} bad.'' + +``No, they're fine, but they still pale in comparison to our bed.'' + +``Well, yes, I will admit that.'' + +May looked between the two, then laughed. ``I take it this setup worked for me taking some space?'' + +Ioan shrugged. ``Well enough, sure. It's nice to have another option that isn't just crashing at Douglas's.'' + +``It was fine, dear,'' Sasha added. ``If ever either of you need some space, feel free to kick the other down to the tent and I will make it work.'' + +``I am glad,'' May said. ``Earnestly. Ioan was such a solitary creature that I did not ever picture having neighbors when I moved in all those years ago. It is nice to have a friend close by.'' + +``Aren't all of your friends equally close now that--'' + +Sasha cut em off, shaking her head. ``Ioan, do you remember how I said that I feel others' presence around me like a weight on my shoulders?'' + +Ey nodded. + +``I think it is rather like that, though do correct me if I am wrong, May. Even when I am hiding away in my tent, I am still more present than a friend out of sim is.'' + +``Basically,'' May said. ``Never mind one who knows me so intimately now.'' + +Sasha nodded, hesitated, then said, ``On that note, are \emph{you} okay?'' + +``I\ldots well,'' she began, sighed, and shook her head. ``I am upset, and I am disappointed that I am upset. I was so ready to be done with hatred, but I am stuck with yet more of it. Hatred from In Dreams, hatred of Zacharias, hatred in myself. More than the experiences with In Dreams and Zacharias, that feeling is what led to the past few days of tears. I thought that I was done.'' + +``I understand. While I am thinking of it, I would like to talk with you about Zacharias at some point --- nothing serious, just strategizing future meltdowns of his. Ioan said he kept trying to force merges on you just to get your attention.'' + +May winced. ``Ugh, yeah. I have never felt something so intensely\ldots I do not know. It felt like a violation of my personal space on a subatomic level. What were you thinking?'' + +Sasha tilted her head. ``Now? I was going to suggest in a few days time, once you were feeling better.'' + +``Why not? I am already a mess, I am already thinking about him, and after this, I would like more than `a few days time' completely disengaged from the topic.'' She giggled, adding, ``Besides, the more I have to dump on Sarah the next time I see her the better, right?'' + +``I do not think it works that way, but I am not so much of a brat as you.'' Sasha finished her coffee, set the mug down with a sense of finality, and nodded. ``Well, I suppose I am awake enough. If you do not mind, Ioan, may I steal your partner for a little bit longer? I would like to keep this first discussion between us, though I will ensure that you remain caught up. There is some\ldots history behind this she should know.'' + +``Are you up for forking, May?'' + +She hesitated, then shook her head, pushing herself up from her chair to step around behind eirs. She bent down to hug around eir shoulders from behind, cheek pressed against eir own. ``I cannot cope with conflicts right now. I cannot yet work in parallel.'' + +Ey rested eir cheek against hers and frowned down to eir coffee for a few moments, sighed, then nodded. ``Alright, but I get the May for the rest of the day, okay?'' + +They both laughed. + +``Of course, Ioan,'' Sasha said. ``If you would like some company out on the balcony or something, I have no such compunctions about forking.'' + +Ey felt May nod against eir cheek. ``I am not pushing further solitude on you, my dear. Take some coffee and breakfast with you. I do not imagine we will be all that long.'' + +Still cognizant of her saying that she felt gross, ey patted one of her paws and turned eir head enough to kiss her on the cheek. ``Alright, that sounds good.'' + +Ey pulled together a breakfast of rolls to go along with a thermos of coffee, got one more nose-press of a kiss with May, and stepped back outside with an instance of Sasha. + +The house had been set up on a portion of the slope that was turned a little toward the west for sunset views, meaning that the sun was not yet hitting the balcony. Autumn had gotten chilly enough at night, though, that they decided instead to walk down to the boulder lakeside, which would almost certainly be in full sun, even if it was less comfortable than the deck chairs. + +They sat in silence, drinking their coffee and eating rolls with butter and honey. + +``Do you think you'll stay, Sasha?'' Ioan said, once the rhythm of the silence made room for conversation. + +``I am too much myself to say that I will stay forever, but as long as my room and tent are there, as long as you and May are comfortable with me being a part of your lives, I will be happy to call it home. Or at least \emph{a} home.'' + +``Really? No bigger and brighter things?'' + +She laughed and leaned over to touch her nose to eir cheek. ``This \emph{is} bigger and brighter things, Ioan.'' + +``Well, I'm sure we'll talk about it plenty, but I see no reason not to keep your room about, and your tent's certainly no trouble. I don't know what you overflowing will look like, but if it involves two thirds solitude and one third getting lost walking sims, I don't imagine you'll be around all the time.'' + +``Not at all, no. I will spend my share of time at the tent to be alone or out walking the world. Perhaps I will even ask you to double the rest of the house so that I can cook somewhere domestic, not just the wild.'' + +``Of course.'' Ey shrugged, tossing one of eir collected pebbles into the lake. ``Besides, I like having you around.'' + +``I am pleased to hear that. I had gathered such, but all the same, I would not want to be a bother.'' + +``Oh, not at all. It seems like we're all pretty good at sorting things out when they do come up, so I don't imagine it'll get to that point.'' + +``And I am not impinging too much on your and May's relationship?'' she asked, holding out her paw for one of eir pebbles. ``I am asking her, too, and we will continue to talk together, but I also want to ask you directly.'' + +Ey smiled, handing over the small rock. ``I don't think so. So long as we can still have time to ourselves when we need, I'll be happy.'' + +She tossed the pebble out into the water. ``Of course, dear.'' After a pause, she grinned and added, ``She is gushing about you now. She loves you very much, you know.'' + +Ioan chuckled. ``I love her too. I worry sometimes, but all I can do is trust her.'' + +``Yes. She will not betray that trust. I know to an extent just how much she means to you and to a much greater extent how much you mean to her.'' + +They sat in quiet for a while, tossing pebbles into the water until ey ran out. + +``Hey Sasha?'' + +``Mm?'' + +``Do you miss anything from before all this?'' + +She shrugged. ``It is hard to tell. As I have said, I liked being True Name. It was fulfilling. Every time I think about that now, though, it is intercut with memories of other happinesses. I will think about some particularly adroit political move and remember it fondly, but right along with it is a memory of a successful hunt or of making fun of you for your pen collection.'' + +Ey laughed. + +``In confidence?'' + +``Sure.'' + +``Do you remember when I asked May about how she cemented aspects of her personality by forking?'' + +``Mmhm.'' + +``There was one more change that I made during that meeting, which was to cement this triad of identities within me. It became who I am by accident, but it has become an integral part of me. I welcomed it in, owned it, made it a part of myself. I will ever be what I am.'' + +``Really? You're okay staying in three parts?'' + +``I am. I am happy to. I am \emph{excited} to. There is something pleasant about the just-off-center nature of that reality. It is home to me. I am Sasha, and I am also True Name, E.W., and May. I am of three minds.'' + +``So long as that works for you.'' + +``I think it will. It is a way to be earnestly myself.'' + +Ey nodded. ``And I'm guessing you don't miss the social part of that life too much? Jonas or Zacharias or the rest of your stanza.'' + +She poked at eir side with a claw. ``You do not need to ask stupid questions, Ioan.'' + +``Right, right,'' ey said, laughing. ``I figured no love lost, but--'' + +``I did not love any of them, as friends or otherwise,'' she said, waving away the rest of eir comment. ``Now that I have known other kinds of love, I am confident of that.'' + +Her tone wasn't upset or dismissive, but was assertive enough that ey dropped the point. ``Well, writing sounds like a good career shift, then.'' + +``Says the writer,'' she said, slouching against eir side. + +``I liked what you've gotten down so far, and I have a few notes. We'll talk about it when we're back at a desk, though.'' + +``Of course. I will be leaning on you a lot for help.'' + +``I mean, you're leaning on me now.'' + +``Smartass,'' she drawled. + +Ey grinned. ``I mean, no complaints. It's still a little surprising, sometimes. I guess on some level I'm still getting used to it, but May got me hooked on physical contact a long time ago.'' + +``A coordinated attack on your defenses, yes,'' she said. ``It makes my job easier.'' + +``What job?'' + +``Just finding a way to stick around friends. Nothing nefarious, dear.'' + +Ey shook eir head. ``Right, sorry. I trust you.'' + +``I agree with what May said, Ioan. Should I want anything beyond that, I will come by it honestly. I will not manipulate my way into anything.'' + +``I appreciate that.'' Ey hugged an arm around her. Ey was grateful for her looking out at the lake rather than at em, given the heat ey could feel rising to eir cheeks. ``While we're being honest, though, I think we're sort of in the same boat, given what you share with May. We can both imagine that, but not necessarily the path from here to there. May called it `the concept versus the mechanics'.'' + +``Precisely. I imagine the same applies to you, that you will come by it earnestly.'' + +Ey nodded. ``Basically. \emph{Is} it something you'd want?'' + +``God, I have no fucking clue, Ioan,'' she said, laughing. + +``Definitely same boat, then. It's a problem for future Ioan.'' + +They fell into silence again. Part of em was itching for more pebbles to toss into the water, but ey was too comfortable to get up to collect more from the beach. + +``That is a part of the reason that I kept that of my old cocladists,'' Sasha murmured. ``I kept some doubt from E.W., enough to keep me grounded without keeping me torn. From May, I am keeping a little bit of overwhelming emotions. The possibility of simply falling for everyone around me is alluring. I can taste it in the memories, like a little bit of saccharine, gritty on the tongue. But I am keeping a little bit of caution from True Name so that it remains a new thing for me. I am of three minds Like a tree In which there are three blackbirds.'' + +Ey turned her words over in eir mind, along with whatever snippet of verse it was she'd quoted. The thought was complete. Nothing ey could respond with would add to it. It was curious, and hinted at things beyond eir ken, but it was complete. + +Instead, ey said, ``You're a good person, Sasha. All three of you are good people.'' + +``And you, dear, are a dork.'' She laughed. ``But come, my tail is falling asleep, and my fork's conversation with May has wrapped up and she misses you greatly.'' + +They walked back, then, hand in paw, following the trail as it dipped down to the water or ducked up into the trees. Back home, back to May, back to whatever it was that life had become. diff --git a/mitzvot/content/old/044.tex b/mitzvot/content/old/044.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..58ae582 --- /dev/null +++ b/mitzvot/content/old/044.tex @@ -0,0 +1,15 @@ +\begin{quote} +\emph{To deny the end is to deny all beginnings,}\\ +\emph{and to deny beginnings is to become immortal,}\\ +\emph{and to become immortal is to repeat the past.} + +It has been a quarter of a millennium since eir death, and yet less than a quarter of a thousand people know eir name. Fitting, then, that I tell you the story of RJ Brewster, of the poet and the one true origin of our world, of our very own ghost in the system, of the whispers in your dreams and the one who binds us to immortality. +\end{quote} + +From \emph{Ode} by Sasha\\ +a companion volume to \emph{On the Origin of Our World}\\ +2365/systime 241+21 + +\begin{center}\rule{0.5\linewidth}{0.5pt}\end{center} + +\emph{Continue on to \href{/selected-letters}{``Selected Letters''}, the Kickstarter-backed extended epilogue for the Post-Self cycle.} diff --git a/motes/content/001.tex b/motes/content/001.tex index 78e908a..70f6067 100644 --- a/motes/content/001.tex +++ b/motes/content/001.tex @@ -10,12 +10,10 @@ She played with life, enjoying and enjoying and enjoying. She played with death. She had died countless times, on-stage and off—to knives, to falls, to drowning, to games, to those who said they loved her, to those who said they hated her. -She played because she was a kid. +Motes played because she was a kid, and she was a kid because she played. She was a kid because kids are resilient. She was a kid because kids bounced, because they fell, cried, and then picked themselves up once more and went back to playing. She was a kid because she liked being small. She was a kid because she liked it when others played, too. She liked when others fell into enjoyment and laughter along with her. She liked the way that it brought out the best in those in her life. She was a kid because a life would not truly be complete without kids, and she believed with all of her heart that life should be complete. She played because she \emph{was} play. Play incarnate. -Motes was a kid because she played. She was a kid because kids are resilient. She was a kid because kids bounced, because they fell, cried, and then picked themselves up once more and went back to playing. She was a kid because she liked being small. She was a kid because she liked it when others played, too. She liked when others fell into enjoyment and laughter along with her. She liked the way that it brought out the best in those in her life. She was a kid because a life would not truly be complete without kids, and she believed with all of her heart that life should be complete. - And so Motes played. She sat atop her stool, one of her feet perched up there with her so that she could rest her chin somewhere while she painted. A palette sat on an infinitely positionable nothing beside her. A canvas sat on an easel, rickety and well-loved, before her. A brush sat in her paw, and paint sat on the brush. A thin, black rectangle sat on that canvas, as did a mountainous landscape. Music sat in her ears, chirpy and glitchy to offset the serenity of the scene in a new way. diff --git a/motes/ebooks/Scott-Clary, Madison/Motes Played/Motes Played - Madison Scott-Clary.epub b/motes/ebooks/Scott-Clary, Madison/Motes Played/Motes Played - Madison Scott-Clary.epub index 906427d..d73caeb 100644 Binary files a/motes/ebooks/Scott-Clary, Madison/Motes Played/Motes Played - Madison Scott-Clary.epub and b/motes/ebooks/Scott-Clary, Madison/Motes Played/Motes Played - Madison Scott-Clary.epub differ diff --git a/neviim/book.pdf b/neviim/book.pdf index 5eb820c..ddfa541 100644 Binary files a/neviim/book.pdf and b/neviim/book.pdf differ diff --git a/neviim/book.tex b/neviim/book.tex index 1b9372c..e182c99 100644 --- a/neviim/book.tex +++ b/neviim/book.tex @@ -83,12 +83,12 @@ May Then My Name Die With Me of the Ode clade \vfill - \include{content/interlude/000} + \include{content/003} \part{Anticipation} \emph{They dreamt and thought and considered, and then many of those who knew the ways to navigate the seas argued that reaching one of those campfires would be a way to quell the loneliness that they felt as a hole in their hearts. ``Perhaps they will fill us with joy! And even if they fight against us or sow strife, is that not a form of companionship?''} - \emph{Others were more cautious about the venture, however. ``Is a danger not a danger?'' they said. ``Is a risk not a risk? We must also consider that we might ourselves be overcome by their might. Is it worth stoking that fire?''} + \emph{Others were more cautious about the venture. ``Is a danger not a danger?'' they said. ``Is a risk not a risk? We must also consider that we might ourselves be overcome by their might. Is it worth stoking that fire?''} \emph{Still others spoke thoughtfully, ``It is a danger here, as well. There are wild animals in the dark, and there are those who might fight against us here. Perhaps the goal of exploration is also to ensure the security of ourselves! Could we not also use this as a chance to ensure that we live on?''} @@ -99,21 +99,21 @@ May Then My Name Die With Me of the Ode clade \vfill - \include{content/local/tycho/001} - \include{content/local/codrin/001} - \include{content/local/tycho/002} - \include{content/local/codrin/002} - \include{content/local/tycho/003} - \include{content/local/codrin/003} - \include{content/local/tycho/004} - \include{content/local/codrin/004} - \include{content/local/tycho/005} - \include{content/ioan/001} - \include{content/local/codrin/005} - \include{content/local/tycho/006} - \include{content/local/codrin/006} - \include{content/ioan/002} - \include{content/local/tycho/007} + \include{content/005} + \include{content/006} + \include{content/007} + \include{content/008} + \include{content/009} + \include{content/010} + \include{content/011} + \include{content/012} + \include{content/013} + \include{content/014} + \include{content/015} + \include{content/016} + \include{content/017} + \include{content/018} + \include{content/019} \part{Experience} \emph{And so they sat around their campfire and talked and discussed and argued and strove and fought and laughed and wept. They sat around the campfire and raised their hands in vote, and it was decided that an ark was to be created and sent to explore, and any who wanted to go to see those campfires would have the chance. Those who dreamed of the opportunity chose universally to travel. Those who saw the risk as overwhelming did not. Those who knew that this might be an opportunity for themselves and for those who might consider them ancestors decided as they would: to go or to not.} @@ -125,22 +125,22 @@ May Then My Name Die With Me of the Ode clade \vfill - \include{content/local/codrin/007} - \include{content/remote/codrin/001} - \include{content/ioan/003} - \include{content/local/codrin/008} - \include{content/remote/tycho/001} - \include{content/ioan/004} - \include{content/remote/codrin/003} - \include{content/local/tycho/009} - \include{content/remote/tycho/002} - \include{content/ioan/010} - \include{content/local/tycho/010} - \include{content/local/codrin/009} - \include{content/remote/codrin/004} + \include{content/021} + \include{content/022} + \include{content/023} + \include{content/024} + \include{content/025} + \include{content/025} + \include{content/027} + \include{content/028} + \include{content/029} + \include{content/030} + \include{content/031} + \include{content/032} + \include{content/033} %\include{content/remote/codrin/005} - \include{content/local/tycho/011} - \include{content/remote/tycho/003} + \include{content/034} + \include{content/035} \part{Intensity} \emph{And so the ark was sent out into the sea of the night, making waves in the black between the stars and leaving a wake of dreams new and old behind it.} @@ -152,20 +152,20 @@ May Then My Name Die With Me of the Ode clade \vfill - \include{content/remote/codrin/006} - \include{content/ioan/009} - \include{content/local/tycho/012} + \include{content/037} + \include{content/038} + \include{content/039} %\include{content/remote/codrin/007} - \include{content/remote/codrin/007-illust} - \include{content/ioan/008} - \include{content/local/codrin/010} + \include{content/040} + \include{content/041} + \include{content/042} % \include{content/remote/codrin/008} - \include{content/remote/codrin/008-illust} - \include{content/ioan/011} + \include{content/043} + \include{content/044} %\include{content/remote/tycho/004} - \include{content/local/codrin/011} + \include{content/045} %\include{content/local/tycho/013} - \include{content/remote/tycho/005} + \include{content/046} \part{Integration} \emph{``How far, how far, how far away?'' became the refrain of the sailors. ``How far away are these campfires of the others? They must be impossibly far. They must be bound in impossible night, for we have seen the sun neither rise nor set, nor have we seen their campfires dim or fade, nor have we seen them blaze into new light.''} @@ -179,14 +179,14 @@ May Then My Name Die With Me of the Ode clade \vfill - \include{content/local/tycho/014} + \include{content/048} %\include{content/ioan/007} - \include{content/local/codrin/012} - \include{content/local/tycho/015} - \include{content/ioan/005} - \include{content/local/codrin/013} - \include{content/ioan/006} - \include{content/local/tycho/016} + \include{content/049} + \include{content/050} + \include{content/051} + \include{content/052} + \include{content/053} + \include{content/054} \part*{Epilogue} \emph{And still, they dream.} @@ -198,7 +198,7 @@ May Then My Name Die With Me of the Ode clade \vfill - \include{content/interlude/005} + \include{content/056} \backmatter diff --git a/neviim/content/001.tex b/neviim/content/001.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..edba1af --- /dev/null +++ b/neviim/content/001.tex @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ +\begin{quote} +\emph{If you race only with foot-runners and they exhaust you, how then can you compete with horses? If you are secure only in a tranquil land, how will you fare in the jungle of the Jordan?} + +--- Jeremiah 12:5 +\end{quote} diff --git a/neviim/content/002.tex b/neviim/content/002.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..3092646 --- /dev/null +++ b/neviim/content/002.tex @@ -0,0 +1,8 @@ +\hypertarget{prologue}{% +\section{Prologue}\label{prologue}} + +\begin{quote} +Upon looking at the sky, many saw the stars and supposed that they must be the campfires of others. How far away they must be, to be such small points of light! Mere pinpricks in the black fabric of the night. They looked up, saw the campfires, and considered that they themselves might be just as the others were, looking out into the night and considering their own fire with dreaming minds. +\end{quote} + +From \emph{An Expanded Mythology of our World} by May Then My Name Die With Me of the Ode clade diff --git a/neviim/content/003.tex b/neviim/content/003.tex index dd861ac..bb7c253 100644 --- a/neviim/content/003.tex +++ b/neviim/content/003.tex @@ -1,214 +1,133 @@ -\hypertarget{ioan-bux103lan-2346}{% -\chapter{Ioan Bălan — 2346}\label{ioan-bux103lan-2346}} +\hypertarget{rj-brewster-2114}{% +\chapter{RJ Brewster — 2114}\label{rj-brewster-2114}} +\markboth{RJ Brewster — 2114}{} -Ioan knew well enough what was coming, so ey was able to brace emself well enough when May came barrelling out of the default entry point on the dandelion-ridden field that ey was not totally bowled over, managing at least a graceful descent to the ground. The skunk had already looped her arms around eir middle and tucked her head up under his chin before ey was even able to sit up straight enough to get eir arms around her. +\noindent There was some draw, some appeal to Dr.~Ramirez. At first, RJ suspected that it was the quiet intensity of her confidence, the way she moved through the world with a hunger for knowledge that was at all times colored by the light of the desire to do right by the world as a whole. Then, ey thought that it might simply be that she was a good person. She was the one who believed hard enough and strong enough to follow up on the lost. She was the one who had actually tried, had actually moved forward at a pace that meant progress on the case. Recently, ey had been thinking that it was something more abstract than that. -``You nut.'' Ey laughed, reaching up to tug at one of her ears affectionately. ``Good to see you too.'' +Concrete? Abstract? The line had long since blurred to meaninglessness. -``Ioan, I am in no way sorry for knocking you over,'' she mumbled, her grip around eir middle tightening. ``Though I am dreadfully sorry that this happened again. I missed you.'' +Ey had been lost for something beyond an eternity, for `eternity' implied the existence of time, or at least a form of time that actually meant something. Ey had been lost for a day longer than forever, and had ey been lost for only hours, as Sasha had, it would have been longer still. Even then, the word `longer' held far too much savor. It burned in the sinuses and left eir eyes stinging with tears. -Giving up on the prospect of sitting up straight so that ey could keep both arms around her, ey leaned back onto one hand, propping emself up. ``No need to apologize, May. I'm just happy to see you again.'' +She had been the first one in more than forever that ey had seen. She had been the one who broke through the wall of eir solipsistic existence and encouraged em to reengage with the world. As the orbits of eir life grew smaller and smaller, they had collapsed into a wandering figure-eight around Sasha, the one who made em complete, and Carter, the one who tied em to reality. -The skunk leaned away from em enough to dot her nose against eirs. Her eyes were quite red and ey could see tear-tracks in the fur of her cheeks. She looked a mess. ``Do not take my apology away from me. I have been saving that one up.'' +And so it was that, even beyond the meetings and interviews, beyond the panels and studies, ey found emself staying in touch with her. Once or twice a week, ey would make the long walk from eir flat down to the cluster of UCL buildings and wait until she was free for lunch or dinner, or, had ey yet again forgotten the meaning of time, wait for her to arrive at work early in the morning so that they could get coffee together. -``Alright, alright,'' ey said, pressing eir nose a little more firmly to hers for a moment before leaning back again. ``Apology accepted. Are you feeling better?'' +She had not questioned it at all. Even that first time, after ey had hunted down her office in the UCL directory and arrived, unannounced, outside of it to wait awkwardly until she pulled back from her rig. She had simply smiled, shaken eir hand, and they had gone out for an afternoon cup of coffee with no further discussion. It had simply become the thing that they did every now and then. -She sat upright rather than leaning against eir front and nodded. ``Yes. I was able to get a lot out that I think has been pent up for a while. Thank you for giving me the space. I promise I did not fuck with your pen collection.'' +Perhaps that was why ey liked her? Maybe. -``Good. I had it all perfectly organized.'' Ey plucked a dandelion from the field and tucked it behind her ear. ``Now, do you want to talk about it? Or should we do that later? That was longer than the last few times.'' +Today, at lunch, ey joined Carter and two of her coworkers, Prakash Das and Avery Wilkins. Vietnamese was the order of the day, and each of them had consoled em in turn about the loss of eir dear Priscilla, the cat who had been the only other grounding factor in eir life these last two years. A sudden loss of appetite, and then a sudden loss of life, and now ey needed the comfort of friends—or whatever it was that Carter had become—and some noise other than quiet jazz and London streets. -``Later, please. I want to say hi to Douglas and wash my face and just be normal for a bit.'' +To their condolences, ey had simply raised eir cup of tea and nodded to them, saying, ``To deny the end is to deny all beginnings.'' -Douglas Hadje met them on the stoop of his house and, as had become their ritual over the years, hugged the skunk, lifted, and twirled her around, her bushy tail streaming along behind her. +``Delphic, as ever,'' Prakash said, though his smile and the lift of his own glass took any sting out of the words. -``Hey May,'' he said, setting her back down again. ``Glad you made it through.'' +Ey smiled too, though ey could feel exhaustion tugging at eir cheeks. Ey had slept, ey knew, but did not remember when. ``Oh, trust me, there is plenty more where that came from.'' -``Of course I made it through. You still have at least seventy nine years of me haunting you before I can do something else.'' She grinned. ``And even then, the contract is renewable.'' +``Where \emph{does} it come from?'' Avery asked. -``Ornery as ever. Well, want to come in?'' +``I am not sure.'' Ey sipped at eir tea, still too hot to drink comfortably. ``Whatever wellspring that was unstoppered in\ldots in there.'' -``For a bit, and then I want to come back out here and lay in the grass and bake in the sun.'' - -After May had cleaned up and Ioan had helped Douglas prepare coffee and some sandwiches, they sat around the table to catch up. - -``So, what news of the aliens?'' Douglas asked. - -The skunk squinted at him. ``Has Ioan not been keeping you up?'' - -``A little. Ey said ey wanted to wait until you got here, though.'' - -She rolled her eyes. ``Well, out with it, then.'' - -``I've gotten several messages from Codrin over the last few days, but nothing as of this morning, when ey said they were heading out to start the talks.'' - -``So they are already a week into them.'' She looked thoughtfully up to the ceiling. ``Perhaps well into them by now.'' - -``Or maybe they're already over,'' Douglas said. - -``A gloomy thought. I would like to hope that they are going quite well. Codrin is there being a Bălan, Tycho is there being a nerd, this Sarah Genet is there being a whatever a Genet is like, Why Ask Questions is there being a shithead.'' She wrinkled her nose. ``And True Name is doing her best control the whole thing.'' - -Ioan was pleased to see the mildness of the skunk's expression. It really did seem like much of those overwhelming emotions had burned themselves out over the last few days. - -``It's weird,'' Douglas said. ``Every now and then, I'll hear about something from one of the LVs that's anchored to a certain time and I'll remember,''Oh shit, yeah, they're billions of kilometers away by now'', and then I have to spend some time trying to conceptualize that distance.'' - -Ioan nodded. ``The transmission delay throws a wrench in things, doesn't it? I was just thinking about that on Secession day. We were celebrating and it sounds like they were, too, but we didn't learn about their party until a week later.'' - -``The thing that always catches me off guard is that our days do not seem to line up any longer,'' May said around a bite of sandwich. ``I mean, they do, but when the delay is off by half a day, we start getting messages at shit o'clock in the morning. It is a strange feeling.'' - -``Exactly.'' - -``I hope they're still in the talks, too. Codrin sounded hopeful, at least. The messages that they'd been getting from the Artemisians were interesting. I'm guessing the powers that be made em promise not to send the full message text yet, but what they have learned is fascinating. Four races on one ship must be a hell of an experience. The DMZ sim sounds pleasant, though, and all of the work they've done to prepare is really kind of impressive.'' Ey sipped at eir coffee to buy a moment's time to think before saying, ``There was a bunch of stuff in there for you, too, May. We can go over that later, though.'' - -The skunk frowned, finished the last of her sandwich, and then settled back in the chair with her coffee. ``You cannot leave me hanging, my dear. May I at least have a preview?'' - -``Well, Codrin's worried about you, as is Dear.'' - -``The memory thing?'' Douglas asked. +``Seems like it stuck around.'' Ey nodded. -May sipped at her coffee, looking out the window to the rolling field beyond. ``I am worried, too. You know that.'' +``Think you'll ever turn it into something?'' Avery grinned to em. ``You know, write a book. Something like that.'' -``I know. Reading between the lines, though, I think ey's worried about the whole clade. Ey's worried about you and Dear, and ey's worried about how True Name and Why Ask Questions are going to act through this. Dear reacted poorly to the whole time-modification thing.'' +``I had not thought of that. I do not know that I could make a plot out of what feels like millions of words in a rock tumbler. Perhaps a poem.'' -She nodded and sat in silence for a minute before setting her cup down. ``We are not doing as well as many of us would like, no. I have news as well, but I would like to share it outside where I can sit in the sun and feel the grass. Is that okay?'' +``Even infinite monkeys,'' Carter said, as she always did whenever the topic came up. She, of all of them, knew best. She had been in there with em for a few minutes or a few eternities. Another reason to like her. ``Either way, you look thrashed, RJ. You sleeping okay?'' -Ioan and Douglas collected plates and coffee cups, then the three of them trooped out into the field while May spoke. +``No.~Maybe. I do not know.'' -``We have lost May One Day Death Itself Not Die and I Do Not Know. Death Itself stopped talking, and then she stopped moving. In Dreams visited for a while there, and a few days ago asked me to come visit as well. That is why this spell seemed to last longer than usual. Evening hit, she smiled at us, shrugged, and then quit.'' +Perhaps sensing some emotion deeper than exhaustion laying beneath the equivocation, the table fell silent, and ey once again looked out the window into the greying afternoon, thumb-tip tapping rhythmically along each of the contacts on the middle joints of eir fingers. -May's voice was thick as she continued. ``They all lived in the same house, did you know that? All ten of that stanza. Many of them did not even talk with each other, and none of them ever forked. They were always quite unstable. The next morning, I Do Not Know was gone, and Names Of The Dead said that she had quit shortly before sunrise.'' +Once the food arrived, the mood loosened up, and ey was able to smile and laugh and take part in the conversation, and even managed to apologize for being a damper on lunch only twice. -Ioan and Douglas remained quiet as they walked. The skunk didn't seem to be quite done saying the things that she needed to. +Spring rolls and phở occupied their attention for a while, then, and they ate in silence except for the occasional `good soup' and other such nothing compliments. -She continued after a few minutes of mastering emotions, voice clear once more. ``In Dreams and I talked quite a bit. She said that there have been fewer instances of instability in older clades than expected, given \emph{On the Perils of Memory}. Fewer uploads are susceptible to the long-term effects of unceasing memory than expected, I guess. I was pleased to see that Debarre seems to be doing well.'' +The time neared one o'clock, whatever that meant, and they settled up the bill and took the remainder of their conversation outside, hands stuffed in pockets while clouds of steam preceded them. -``That's heartening,'' Douglas said. ``At least in a way.'' +More laughter, more companionship. More warmth, despite the cold. -The skunk nodded. ``I am happy that the System is more stable than feared, but I am unhappy that we seem so strongly affected. In Dreams said that she is going to do some research and see if there are ways that we can at least improve on the way we deal with the effects. I do not know that there is a way to get rid of them entirely, at least not without further individuation, but the least we can do is help keep ourselves sane for longer.'' +\emph{Perhaps this is why,} ey thought. \emph{Perhaps Carter and all of those she has introduced to me can add at least a little bit of warmth to the winter of my life.} -Ioan took her paw in eir hand and lifted it to kiss the back. ``Please, yeah. If you go bonkers, I'll be furious.'' +No, no, must not think such things. Ey had made eir decision, had ey not? -She laughed and gave em a pitying look. ``Mx. Ioan Bălan, you are pretty good at acting furious on stage, but I do not believe for a second that you could actually feel that way. Even Codrin was able to have a normal meeting with True Name after she did as she does with em.'' +At the door to the building where the three worked, they all exchanged hugs, another bright spark of warmth in the cold afternoon, enough to carry em back home. Empty home, where ey could listen to more jazz and the distinct lack of purring. Empty home where ey could stare at eir rig and dare emself to delve in, if only to see if Sasha was about after work. Before work? What time was it for her? Time had left em; ey had only words. -Ey did not laugh. Neither, ey noted, did Douglas. +Perhaps sleep. -``I am sorry,'' she murmured, ears laid flat. +Ey made it a block before ey heard the sound of jogging behind em, and stepped over closer to the wall to let the jogger pass. The sound slowed, however, and ey was greeted once more by Prakash. -``\,`Furious' is the wrong word, May. I'd lose my damn mind.'' Ey took a shaky breath and rubbed at eir face. ``I can't tell you you're not allowed to or anything, since I know it's not really up to you, but please at least try to stick around.'' +``Hey RJ, mind if I walk with you for a bit?'' -``I'm not going to pile on or anything,'' Douglas said. ``But I will say I'd be pretty upset, too, so if there's anything I can do to help, I will.'' +``Sure.'' Ey frowned. ``Do you not have work?'' -May dragged them both to a stop in the field. Her expression started out angry, then screwed up into sadness, and finally settled on tired. ``I love you both, each in your own way, and I promise I will do what I can to stay here, stay grounded. I cannot speak for the rest of the clade, and certainly not for Dear, but I will do what I can.'' +He shrugged. ``I do, but I'm getting sick of being cooped up. Begged an additional hour off to just get out for a bit.'' -It was not uncommon for these reunions to be tearful, Ioan knew, but it was a different sort of pang that settled in eir chest with the news, and it was a few minutes before ey was able to speak again. ``Sorry, you two.'' +``Alright.'' -The skunk stuck her tongue out at em. ``I will allow you this one apology, but do not make a habit of it. You are allowed to cry at sad shit.'' +A silence stretched for a few minutes before Prakash said, ``Nice day, isn't it?'' -Ey rolled eir eyes and shoved at her. +``No,'' ey said, laughing. ``It is cold and gray. My cat is dead, my job is gone, and my two friends are someone I can only meet in a place I am terrified to go and a researcher of something that is no longer a problem.'' \emph{Memory is a mirror of hammered silver,} the litany continued within as always. Silently, ey hoped. \emph{A weapon against the waking world.} ``Dreams are the plate-glass atop memory: a clarifying agent against the-- Sorry.'' -``Well, I was promised laying in the grass and baking in the sun,'' Douglas said. ``So come on, we can at least enjoy the rest of the afternoon.'' +Prakash nodded, as though this was part of a normal conversation. ``You're okay, RJ. No luck on the job front? Are you doing alright for cash?'' -May made it through dinner — Ioan was heartened to see that she'd actually eaten all of the chicken soup ey'd made — before padding off to a beanbag to curl up. She kept up a sleepy conversation for a few minutes while Ioan cleaned, but even that tapered off to silence. When next ey looked back, the skunk was asleep. +Ey rubbed away unwelcome tears and nodded. ``Enough for another six months here, and then I need to either find a new job or move back to America. My parents have said--'' -Every time ey'd left her to sleep out on the beanbag in the past, though, she'd spent the next day disoriented and moody (ey suspected this is what she'd meant when she said she slept better next to someone all those years ago), so, once ey finished cleaning, ey knelt beside the beanbag, wormed eir arms beneath her, and scooped her up. +``Would you be interested in a job offer?'' -May made a sort of drowsy chirping noise as ey lifted her, hugging her arms around eir shoulders for the short journey to the bedroom. Long as her tail was, ey still had to be careful not to step on any of her fur with it hanging limply, almost to the ground. +``From the university?'' -Once there, ey helped her out of her clothes, unsteady as she seemed, and then tucked her in, leaning down to put a kiss on her cheek. +He shook his head. ``No.'' -``Ioan?'' +``Where then? I did not know you worked anywhere else.'' -``Yes?'' +``Work is probably the wrong word, here,'' Prakash said, grinning. ``But, I mean, if you don't mind heading out of the WF for a while, I might have something for you.'' -``Can you stay?'' +Part of RJ stopped up short—though not, ey noted dispassionately, eir body—and ey blinked rapidly down towards the ground. This was a new, strangely shaped bit of information. There was no opening within eir mind that would fit it perfectly, so ey carefully set it aside. \emph{The waking world fogs the view and time makes prey of remembering.} ``And what would this job that you do not work at entail? I am wary of sims.'' -Ey hesitated then nodded, forking off a copy to finish cleaning up and taking notes. After a few minutes of eir own bedtime routine, ey slipped into bed with her. Ey was certainly tired enough, ey realized. +``Of course. Minimal work on the 'net.'' He seemed to consider for a moment, then shrugged. ``Well, no work on the 'net, actually, but minimal work in-sim.'' -And so now, back at home, back in their own bed, alone together, May and Ioan had the conversation ey felt they truly needed. They talked quietly, almost \emph{sotto voce}, now that they were alone, now that it was dark and comfortable and they were no longer surrounded by the loud, raucous colors of Douglas's field. They shared their kisses, their small touches, they reaffirmed, in so many small, unspoken ways, their love for each other, and they talked. +Ey nodded, waited for Prakash to continue. -``What do you think they are learning?'' May murmured, nose-tip poking up against Ioan's chin. +``Carter was kind enough to provide us with some extra information. Michelle's core dump from when she got lost, yours from the theater sim that the techs were careless enough to leave around. Some people I'm\ldots not working with at my non-job with have been digging through those and, in combination with the testimonies of the lost, come up with some interesting hypothes--'' -Ey had to speak carefully to respond, lest ey bump her snout. ``Who can say? Perhaps they are learning, perhaps they are teaching.'' +``A way back?'' -``Poetic.'' +The intensity with which ey replied startled Prakash, who held up his hands defensively. ``Sorry, RJ. If I overstepped--'' -``There are Odists involved, it's going to be poetic through and through.'' +``No, sorry,'' ey said. ``I did not mean to shout. If it is a way back, I will say yes. If it is a way to `fix' whatever I have become, I will say no and do not wish to waste your time.'' -She laughed and poked em in the belly with a claw. ``Jerk.'' +He relaxed and shook his head. ``I see. You've mentioned not wanting to lose what you have. I wouldn't have offered if that was on the table. They're not really thinking of a way back, no, but maybe a way forward. Use what you taught us to find—or make—somewhere new.'' -``That's me, yes,'' ey said, grinning and nudging her muzzle about with eir chin. ``The Odists are learning how to manipulate new species. Tycho's learning about the stars. I can't speak to Sarah, but Codrin is along for the ride.'' +At this, ey really did stop up short. ``What do you mean, `somewhere new'?'' -``Did ey have much more to say about eir doubts?'' +``Arms races have fallen out of style. It's not really considered fashionable to stockpile weapons or anything anymore.'' -``A little. Ey's still feeling more caught up in the events than an actual participant, but I think ey's also starting to look for ways out of the cycle. I don't know if ey's picked up any specific ideas on how to take charge, but that ey's decided that that's something ey'd like to do is change enough.'' +RJ blinked, nonplussed. -The skunk nodded. ``You are a careful lot, but it is nice to see when you do become more assertive.'' +``Technology, however, brings with it a status of its own.'' Prakash smiled, neither pityingly nor happily. Dreamily. ``So if, as you say, dreams are the plate-glass atop memory, and if, as you've said in the past, getting lost put you in a mirrored cage, then these are bits of information related to technology. If one could set aside the cage metaphor and set up a mirrored \emph{world}, well, that would be quite the status symbol.'' -``We lack your flair,'' ey said, ruffling up some of her fur. +RJ stood a while in thought, searching Prakash's face until the man averted his eyes. ``What would be required of me?'' -``I also enjoy that, do not get me wrong. Not everything needs flair.'' She perked up, dotted her nose against eir chin, and asked, ``You said something about time modification earlier, but I was shattered and did not think to ask about it. What does that mean?'' +``Nothing, for now. Just to stay in touch. Eventually, though, we'll get you somewhere we can dig into research and after that, you'll be one of the founders of something big. Really big.'' -``Oh, right. It sounds like the Artemisians don't fork, and instead rely on the ability to change how fast they experience time. Individuals or groups can speed up their perception so that the world around them seems to slow down, that sort of thing.'' +The words came in a torrent, then, and with such an intensity that ey staggered and had to clutch at Prakash's arm for support. ``The flow of prophecy climbs up through the years, winter upon winter upon winter, and compels the future to do its bidding. The prophet is only a pipe that sounds when the past\ldots shit. I am sorry. All of that to say `yes'. I am sorry.'' -There was a long moment's silence, and were it not for the shallowness of her breathing, ey might have thought May had fallen asleep. Eventually, she whispered, ``I do not like that.'' +Once the shock of the onrush of words wore off, Prakash nodded, smiling cautiously. ``It's okay, RJ. Like I said, nothing needs to be done right now. And I trust that you know not to mention this to anyone. Someone else will talk to Michelle about it. Talk to each of the lost, I mean. No need to bring it up with them. When things are lined up, we can go for another walk after coffee or something. Sound good? -Ioan dipped eir chin enough to bump eir nose against hers. ``Codrin said Dear got quite upset about it, yeah. It warned em that there would be two Odists among the emissaries and that ey should watch out.'' +Ey swallowed dryly, nodded. ``Thank you. I will hold on until then.'' -She remained still, no reciprocating press of nose to nose. She continued in her whisper. ``Once, when I was in school, I performed in a play that used the works of Emily Dickinson throughout. I still remember it. \emph{Time feels so vast that were if not For an Eternity— I fear me this Circumference Engross my Finity—}'' +They started walking again, the researcher explaining that he really did need the air, since all that waited for him was an office sim. -Ey remained quiet as ey mulled over the words. The archaic language felt opaque to em, but, as ey prowled through synonyms, ey began to piece together meaning. ``You've mentioned eternity before in the context of getting lost. This sounds almost relieved, though, that eternity exists, lest everything get too overwhelming.'' +RJ did not mind. What sadness that dug at em from Prisca's passing had been blunted, softened by the prospect of something new. Something ahead of em. Something to look forward to that did not bring with it more exhaustion, more words. -``There was no eternity in there, Ioan. Time was beyond vast. I \emph{was} engrossed. There was no me left. When we were pulled out, we were finally confronted with eternity again.'' +``You know,'' Prakash said thoughtfully. ``I know the things you say sometimes aren't really intentional or anything, but you're not wrong.'' -``\,`We'?'' +``Mm?'' -May took a while to respond. ``Michelle and the author of the Ode.'' +``About prophecy, I mean. Just over two years since you got back and here you are, being invited to compel the future to do your bidding using what you learned.'' -Ey nodded, letting the comment about the Name slip by, asking instead, ``And being stuck in a place with malleable time would bring back a lot of that?'' - -``Yes. Codrin is right to be careful. The clade struggles enough with stability as it is.'' She broke the tension of the moment by licking his chin. ``On a happier note, In Dreams mentioned a hypothesis about the struggles we've had with memory.'' - -``Oh?'' - -``Well, happier for the System, if not for us. I guess she has hunted down some other clades that have been having problems. She says there are uniting factors, such as a weaker boundary between subconscious and conscious, a greater sense of the numinous, and so on. I am too sleepy to remember the details, but she is looking into it.'' The skunk giggled. ``She says we should get therapy.'' - -``Oh, you definitely should,'' ey teased. ``Maybe this Sarah Genet is still on the System. That's what she does.'' - -``Therapy?'' - -Ey nodded. - -A moment's hesitation, and then May nodded. ``I let In Dreams know.'' - -``Good. The more minds working on this, the better.'' - -``Are you really that worried, my dear?'' - -Ey frowned, shrugged. ``That's part of it. More, I just feel helpless. I'm not worried about you going sideways any time soon, really, and certainly hope you don't at all, but should that happen, watching helplessly would be\ldots well, it's a big fear of mine.'' - -May hugged herself closer to em, snout once again ducking beneath eir chin. ``I understand. I am stuck with the related fear of losing control. I do not like the feeling of not being in control of my emotions, even for these brief periods, but if that were to just become my life\ldots{}'' - -After she trailed off, ey tightened eir arms around her, brushing fingertips through fur. - -They lay like that in the quiet and the dark. Eir fork apparently finished up with eir notes and quit, but given the topics of conversation, ey declined to accept the merge. Ey did not want to be distracted from the simple task of petting May, of enjoying the feeling of having her back. - -``May?'' - -The skunk poked her nose against eir collarbone. ``Mm?'' She sounded half asleep. - -``I really can't lose you. You know that right?'' Ey felt her stiffen in eir arms, continued, ``I said ages ago that I'm not built for a life with death in it. That's why I'm here. That's why I uploaded in the first place, to get away from that.'' - -``Ioan,'' she said, voice hoarse. ``I already-'' - -``I know, you already promised. I believe you. I'm not trying to berate you, I'm trying to say I love you.'' - -``Ioan Bălan, if you make me cry again, I will smother you in your sleep.'' - -Ey laughed. ``It sounds like it's already too late.'' - -``Thin fucking ice, buddy.'' May sniffled and squirmed around until she could tuck back against eir front. ``I love you too, my dear, top to bottom and front to back.'' - -As ey settled in for sleep, kissing the backs of the skunk's ears, ey marveled that ey could only remember the Ioan who never thought to form attachments, who could never remember to ask May if they were in a relationship, who continually wondered how she wound up in eir life as some other person. That Ioan was gone. Ey had slipped out while the Ioan ey was now wasn't looking, and had never come back. Ey wished em luck, this younger version of emself. Ey wished em happiness and fulfillment. And, should that Ioan ever find emself struck by the wonder of love, ey wished em courage in the face of it. - -This Ioan, the one ey was now, understood the value in attachments, and yet ey could still marvel, twenty years on, at just how much more complete ey was with May in eir life, and for that, ey'd be forever thankful. +Ey laughed, earnest and true. ``I suppose so. I was going to say `the prophet is only a pipe that sounds when the past demands it', and given that I cannot seem to live in this world anymore, that demand is getting to be overwhelming.'' diff --git a/neviim/content/004.tex b/neviim/content/004.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..7678fbe --- /dev/null +++ b/neviim/content/004.tex @@ -0,0 +1,12 @@ +\hypertarget{part-i-anticipation}{% +\section{Part I --- Anticipation}\label{part-i-anticipation}} + +\begin{quote} +They dreamt and thought and considered, and then many of those who knew the ways to navigate the seas argued that reaching one of those campfires would be a way to quell the loneliness that they felt as a hole in their hearts. ``Perhaps they will fill us with joy! And even if they fight against us or sow strife, is that not a form of companionship?'' + +Others were more cautious about the venture. ``Is a danger not a danger?'' they said. ``Is a risk not a risk? We must also consider that we might ourselves be overcome by their might. Is it worth stoking that fire?'' + +Still others spoke thoughtfully, ``It is a danger here, as well. There are wild animals in the dark, and there are those who might fight against us here. Perhaps the goal of exploration is also to ensure the security of ourselves! Could we not also use this as a chance to ensure that we live on?'' +\end{quote} + +From \emph{An Expanded Mythology of our World} by May Then My Name Die With Me of the Ode clade diff --git a/neviim/content/005.tex b/neviim/content/005.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..5821012 --- /dev/null +++ b/neviim/content/005.tex @@ -0,0 +1,129 @@ +\hypertarget{tycho-brahe-2346}{% +\chapter{Tycho Brahe — 2346}\label{tycho-brahe-2346}} +\markboth{Tycho Brahe — 2346}{} + +\begin{center} +\emph{Convergence T-minus 22 days, 13 hours, 35 minutes} +\end{center} + +\noindent It took Tycho Brahe what felt like an age to remember Codrin Bălan, and then it took him a panicked age longer to remember that, yes, sensorium messages were a thing, had been a thing for more than two centuries, and a third age still to remember how to send one. + +There was some unknown urgency within him, and even though he supposed that there was no need to hurry, he nonetheless did not fork, deeming it not worth the time to remember how in his rush. Instead, he simply queued up a message to the historian beginning with a jolt of adrenaline, and began talking. + +``Codrin, uh, Mx.~Bălan, I really, really need to talk with you. Like, right now. I need to talk with you right now. Can we meet? It's incredibly urgent, I'm sorry. I know it's late. Can we meet?'' + +As soon as he finished, he began pacing once more and waited for a response, doing his level best not to send another sensorium ping immediately to wake Codrin up, just in case. + +Instead, he walked around the small hill in the center of the clearing, muttering now down to the grass, shouting now up to the sky. Half words, half sentences, anything to vent the pressure he felt building inside him, but there was nothing to be done. + +When the response finally came, he realized he'd only made it halfway around that hill. Less than a minute must have passed. Time seemed to have stretched itself out long. The response was a mumbled, sleepy-sounding address. + +Tycho left before his next footfall hit the ground. + +Low clouds hung above the low house on the shortgrass prairie. He forced himself to walk, not run, up to the house, where he could already see a light turning on, vague shapes moving behind the glass. The soft chime that announced his arrival led those two shapes, one human, one not, to look up, and before he even made it to the house's door, Codrin was already there, much as he remembered, though much more tired. + +``Tycho Brahe, yes?'' ey asked. ``Is everything okay?'' + +He tore his eyes away from the figure beside the historian, what looked to be some large-eared\ldots{}dog? Fox? Large-eared animal standing on two legs, looking just as tired as Codrin. + +``Uh, yes,'' he stammered. ``No? I don't think so, at least. I'm sorry for waking you. I don't think things are okay, though.'' + +Codrin nodded and stepped aside, gesturing to welcome him in and guiding him to a seat at the table. + +\emph{``I will make tea,''} the fox said. \emph{``Though I think perhaps one without caffeine.''} + +``Who\ldots{}?'' + +``That's my partner. Dear, Also, The Tree That Was Felled.'' + +Gears crunched to a halt in his mind, thoughts stalling and whatever words he had prepared scattering. ``An\ldots an Odist?'' + +``Yes. Why do you ask?'' + +Tycho knit his brow. ``Well, I mean, the \emph{History}\ldots{}'' + +``I know. Not all of them came out in the best light,'' ey said, smiling tiredly. ``But it's a good one, I promise. Now, can you tell me what's happening?'' + +He forced himself to remain seated at the table, not giving in to the overwhelming urge to pace. ``But\ldots I mean, do you remember our conversation years ago? The one about the Dreamer Module?'' + +Codrin nodded warily. ``That some of the Odists were against it, yes.'' + +``Then certainly you can see my concern!'' Tycho hissed, leaning toward Codrin. + +Ey startled back. ``I'm afraid I don't follow, Dr.~Brahe, I--'' + +``Can we at least step outside?'' + +\emph{``If you would like me to be elsewhere, Dr.~Brahe, I can be,''} Dear said, standing at the entryway to the kitchen, three mugs in its paws. \emph{``But I do hope that you will trust me.''} + +Tycho stared at the fox. + +It stepped forward, set the three mugs down on the table, each smelling of chamomile. \emph{``You must forgive me for eavesdropping, but I did hear you mention the Dreamer Module. I can assure you that I share little in common with the elements of the clade that were against its inclusion. It is not something that I particularly care about, but it is fine, I am sure.''} + +``I can vouch for it,'' Codrin said, reaching for eir mug but simply holding it in eir hands rather than sipping. ``If we absolutely must step outside, you understand that, as it's my partner, I'll likely tell it about our conversation anyway, yes?'' + +After a pause, Tycho's shoulders slumped as he let out the tension pent up within them. ``Alright, alright. Besides, it doesn't sound like there's much use in trying to hide anything from them.'' + +Dear rolled its eyes, but sat at the table anyway. \emph{``You could hide whatever you like from me, Dr.~Brahe, I will not look. As you guess, though, the same is not true of some of my cocladists.''} + +One of them, perhaps Codrin, willed a cone of silence into being. + +``I read the \emph{History}, Codrin,'' he said at last. ``So I know you know what's on the Module.'' + +Codrin froze, mug halfway lifted. Dear's ears stood erect, and all sleepiness fled from its features. + +``You understand why I'm concerned, then, right?'' + +Ey set eir mug back down on the table without taking a sip, saying, ``Tell me all that you can.'' + +So he recounted the events of the previous hour. The sudden interruption of an impersonal message, a simple note from the perisystem architecture informing him, the astronomer on duty, of the signal received. + +\emph{``What signal was it? Were the primes echoed back to us?''} Dear asked. + +He shook his head and recited from memory, ``We hear you. We see you. We are 3 light-hours, 4 light-minutes, 2.043 light-seconds out at time of message send. Closing at 0.003c relative velocity. Closest intercept 5 light-minutes, 3.002 light-seconds in 972 hours, 8 minutes, 0.333 seconds. We understand the mechanism by which we may meet. We have similar. Instructions to follow.'' + +There was a long moment of silence around the table as the words sank in. + +``The mechanism,'' Codrin said, finally breaking the silence. Ey sounded hoarse, unprepared. ``The Ansible? The instructions for creating a signal that it'll recognize?'' + +Tycho stared down into the pale yellow tea. ``Yes.'' + +``Did you respond?'' Ey furrowed eir brow quizzically. ``Is that even possible? I never thought to ask.'' + +The silence fell again, and he could feel the expressions of the other two deepen into frowns as he kept his eyes on his tea. + +\emph{``Tycho,''} Dear said, and he couldn't understand how the fox could keep its voice so level. \emph{``Did you respond?''} + +``Awaiting consent,'' he mumbled. ``That was the last bit of message. Awaiting consent.'' + +\emph{``You responded.''} A statement. One spoken with no small amount of awe. \emph{``You did, did you not?''} + +``Yes.'' + +``What did you send?'' Codrin said. + +``Consent granted.'' + +With the repetition of those words, he pushed the untouched mug of tea further away from him, folded his arms on the table, and rested his forehead on them. + +The longest silence yet followed as both Dear and Codrin appeared to take this information in and he, poor, stupid Tycho Brahe, he soaked in his own guilt. It seeped through his clothes, squished in his shoes, matted his hair and pushed against his face. Tycho Brahe, indeed! He should have chosen the name of some far less competent man, all those years ago when he'd first met Codrin. + +It was Codrin who spoke first, voice sounding calm, somewhere between professional and empathetic. An interviewer's voice. ``Have you told anyone else?'' + +``No,'' he said, lifting his head, though still not meeting their gazes. ``I don't know who I'd tell.'' + +\emph{``Are there no other astronomers working with you?''} + +``There are. Of course there are. I'm sure they've even read the message by now, and doubtless my response.'' He shrugged, realized that he'd started crying. ``But what would I tell them? Extraterrestrials contacted us, asked to board, and I just said `yes'? Didn't ask anyone, didn't wait to have a conversation, just up and said yes?'' + +``Well, okay,'' Codrin said. ``Why me, then? We've not spoken in twenty years.'' + +``Instinct?'' he said, voice choked with half laughter, half tears. ``I have no idea, Mx.~Bălan. You listened to my story back then, and I read your \emph{History}, and you seemed nice, and I guess you're just always at the center of things.'' + +The fox across the table giggled—there was no better way to put it—and there was a tink of ceramic as it bumped its mug to Codrin's. \emph{``You, my dear, are so caught in stardom that even astronomers know your name.''} + +None of that amusement showed in eir expression as ey said, ``I am, at that, aren't I? Well, Tycho, what are the next steps?'' + +``I don't know,'' he said, finally looking up to the pair, to Dear's grin and Codrin's frown. ``I was hoping you'd know.'' + +Ey sighed, leaned over and patted him on the shoulder. ``Well, since I'm sure as hell not sleeping anymore, I guess coffee's next. Coffee, and figuring out what to do with our wayward astronomer and upcoming guests.'' diff --git a/neviim/content/006.tex b/neviim/content/006.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..53d03c7 --- /dev/null +++ b/neviim/content/006.tex @@ -0,0 +1,159 @@ +\hypertarget{codrin-bux103lan-2346}{% +\chapter{Codrin Bălan — 2346}\label{codrin-bux103lan-2346}} +\markboth{Codrin Bălan — 2346}{} + +\begin{center} +\emph{Convergence T-minus 22 days, 9 hours, 12 minutes} +\end{center} + +\noindent Tycho stayed until they could talk him down from the plateau of anxiety he had seemed determined to hold onto for as long as he could. They fed him tea, then ice water, then leftovers, anything they could do to help. They talked to him about how to prepare for the inevitable discussions that would be coming from the other astronomers aboard as well as for the inevitable contact that would come from the Odists or Jonases, seeking answers to why he had done the things that he'd done. + +And, once he was able to talk without the volume of his voice continually rising, once he was able to smile again, they sent him on his way, off to go get some sleep, even though the sun was beginning to color the eastern sides of the house in salmon and orange. + +``It's alright,'' he had said, laughing tiredly. ``It's always night in the field. It's always night outside, isn't it?'' + +This left Codrin and Dear to sit in silence for a few minutes. After making more coffee, they moved out to the patio despite the chill of the morning. + +\emph{``What do you think, my dear?''} the fox asked, cradling its mug close to its chest. + +``Mm? I don't know that I'm thinking anything. I think my brain's too full with new information packed in around sleepiness that I can't actually process anything.'' + +\emph{``I would suggest drinking your coffee to wake up, but if it is the same feeling that I have had, that will simply replace the sleepiness with caffeine, and you will be no more easily able to process.''} + +Codrin grinned, nodded, and sipped eir coffee. ``I'm a little disappointed I didn't fork to get up so that at least some part of me could keep sleeping and just deal with it in the morning.'' + +Dear laughed. \emph{``You jumped out of bed so fast I thought that we were under attack. I do not think you would have been able to get back to sleep even if you had tried.''} + +``Probably not.'' + +They sat in silence, drinking their coffee and watching the sun creep up until the horizon reluctantly let it free. When they realized that they were squinting and shading their eyes too much to actually see anything, they went back inside to claim the couch, huddling under a throw to warm themselves up while their partner puttered sleepily around the kitchen. + +This led, of course, to further cups of coffee and warm sweet rolls, and a long hour of Codrin and the fox catching their partner up to date. + +``Well,'' they said. ``How do you feel?'' + +\emph{``That is a very Codrin question.''} + +``Yeah, I guess it is. I feel\ldots{}'' Ey paused, looking down into eir mug. ``I feel overwhelmed. I guess that's not a complete emotion, though.'' + +``You want help teasing it apart?'' + +Codrin slouched down into the couch further, resting the mug on eir stomach. Tiredness clung to em in a thin, sticky film. ``I guess. I mean, I think a lot of it is due to exhaustion.'' + +\emph{``Seconded,''} Dear mumbled. \emph{``I am surprised you slept through that, my love.''} + +``I'm one of the lucky ones who can sleep through anything,'' their partner said, grinning. ``But Codrin dear, first, how do you feel about being woken up so early?'' + +``I don't think that really entered into my mind. That's how I met Dear, after all. A jolt of adrenaline and then a sensorium message.'' + +\emph{``I do hope that mine was not so panicked. From what you said, Tycho was a bit shouty.''} + +Ey laughed. ``He was, at that. I hope we sent him home a little calmer. But that made me anxious. Given that I was still fighting my way out of a dream, it felt rather like waking up into a nightmare, rather than out of one.'' + +``Alright,'' they said. ``And how do you feel about meeting him?'' + +``That's a little tougher. Equally anxious, I guess. Frustrated as well, given how poorly he reacted to Dear. I think he's very much a tasker and hasn't experienced individuation before.'' + +Both Dear and its partner nodded. \emph{``I am not Michelle, and I am certainly not True Name, which is who I am sure he was imagining.''} + +``I suppose, yeah. So it was frustrating hearing that his first reaction was—or that anybody's first reaction—to one of my partners could be one of, I don't know, distrust? Disgust?'' + +Dear's ears flinched back, but it nodded all the same. Codrin suspected it had had more than its fill of dealing with the rest of the Odists by now. + +``So,'' their partner said. ``Anxious, frustrated, maybe a bit defensive?'' + +Ey nodded. + +``And what about the topic of the conversation? How did that make you feel?'' + +``I think that's where I'm struggling the most. I've worked on so many projects through the years, and this has the potential of being far and away the biggest of them all.'' + +\emph{``Have you accepted it as a project, my dear?''} Dear said, grinning slightly. + +Codrin hesitated, taking a sip to gain a bit more time to mull that over in eir mind. ``I think I have, though I don't know what shape that'll take yet.'' + +\emph{``So, how do you feel about that?''} + +``If we consider the scope of the \emph{History} as ten times that of \emph{Perils}, and if we give this one a cautious estimate of ten times that of the \emph{History}--'' + +``Ten times?'' Dear's partner frowned. ``A hundred times the size of \emph{On the Perils of Memory?}'' + +``Size maybe isn't the best descriptor. Intensity, perhaps?'' Ey shrugged. ``Working on the Qoheleth project never had me screaming into the void or shouting at the sky. The \emph{History} was longer, but while I can see this one maybe being shorter, the intensity is going through the roof. I'm not sure how much of that is just being exhausted, though.'' + +\emph{``That is about the work, though. How do you feel about the topic? Aliens sending us copies of Douglas? Or perhaps us sending aliens copies of\ldots well, whoever we decide?''} + +``Frightened? Excited? Anxious? It feels too big to think about, in a way.'' + +\emph{``Agreed,''} both of their partners said at the same time, then laughed. + +``But also, to tie those two together, I think my first reaction—the very first thing I thought as soon as I connected Tycho's mood with the topic at hand—was ``God damnit, not again''.'' + +Dear frowned. \emph{``Do you feel obligated to take on the project, rather than actually wanting to?''} + +Codrin shrugged. ``I don't know what else to say other than that. Obligated, then worried about scope, as though I'd already accepted the burden, such as it were.'' + +\emph{``Do you need a vacation, my dear?''} + +``Good Lord, no,'' ey said, laughing. ``I don't go as nuts as you, fox, but sitting around idly is decidedly uncomfortable. It's not quite an `I hate my job' feeling, either. It's just more, ``Why is it always me? Why do I always wind up at the center of these enormous happenings?'' feeling.'' + +As though on cue, both Codrin and eir partner looked over at the fox, who burst into giggles. Ey felt so loopy from exhaustion that ey was soon joining Dear in the fit. + +\emph{``I will accept a portion of that responsibility,''} it said when it could speak again. \emph{``But the rest falls on my cocladists. I may be one of them, but I am no metonym.''} + +``I'll accept that,'' Codrin said. + +``We're not wrong, though, you know. Even if True Name and her stanza nudged you towards Dear, you wound up here. You wound up so influenced by the project that you almost resented Ioan when you needed to merge back for the project. I know there were a few tense discussions between you two when it came time to decide who would write \emph{Perils.}'' + +Ey waggled a hand. ``Tense is maybe too strong a word. We were both excited, and it came down to whether it was me because my memories weren't muddied with what ey'd experienced in the interim, or whether those memories would help add to the, uh\ldots damn, what'd you call it, Dear?'' + +\emph{``}Umwelt\emph{? One's worldview combined with one's experience of the world? I know that I have overloaded the term somewhat, and I am not sorry.''} + +``That's the one. If Ioan's combined knowledge of what I experienced via my memories as well as eir own experiences during the project would provide a better worldview as a canvas for the project. We decided that I'd write and ey'd consult.'' + +\emph{``I left you with a tainted soul,''} Dear said, still sounding loopy. + +``So dramatic,'' ey said, rolling eir eyes. ``But you changed me enough that I became a Codrin rather than a Ioan, while Ioan remained one.'' + +\emph{``Then May Then My Name tainted em in turn.''} + +``I miss them,'' their partner said. ``I can't imagine seeing them together would be anything but adorable.'' + +\emph{``Saccharine, even.''} + +``Don't be a jerk, fox.'' + +\emph{``I am not! I am simply stating the fact that my teeth might rot from just how adorable that must be.''} + +``Do you think True Name is pissed?'' Codrin asked. + +\emph{``That May Then My Name settled down with someone? Refused to fork for her, then even to talk with her? That she has taught herself how to hate specifically to hate her own down-tree instance? Of course she is pissed. It is her own stanza rebelling against her.''} + +``From what we've seen, it sounds like their—True Name's and Jonas's—attempts to control the outcome worked as expected, but also that True Name hasn't been seen around the Lagrange System nearly as much in the last few years. Sounds more hurt than pissed, I guess.'' Ey shrugged. ``I imagine having your own clade that upset at you tempers your devotion to a cause.'' + +\emph{``Much of the liberal side of the clade distanced themselves from the conservatives when the} History \emph{came out, yes. The definition of `Odist' is quite diluted now. I do not believe that True Name lost much in the way of tools, such as it were; I think she just had to write many of us off, or think of us simply as safe places to store other tools, as she did with you, my dear. She has likely replaced them with yet more finely tuned versions of herself or Jonas.''} + +``That's a rather horrifying way of looking at it. It sounds so sterile.'' + +\emph{``Do not misconstrue me. I am not so far removed from them that I do not feel empathy. True Name is still a fully realized person. She is not a truly sterile being, I do not mean to imply that. She does still have emotions, they simply come from a place that we cannot access.''} + +Codrin finished eir coffee and set the mug on the table, sitting up straighter and rubbing at eir face. ``I'll grant you that, though it's still going to take some work to internalize.'' + +\emph{``There is no rush, my dear.''} + +``Isn't there?'' their partner asked. ``Can you imagine True Name not getting involved in this? I'd honestly be surprised if she wasn't already stringing Tycho up by his toes for what he did. If Codrin's to wind up working with her again, maybe ey does need that empathy.'' + +The fox only frowned. + +``Either way,'' Codrin said. ``I probably ought to send those two a message. Dear, you're welcome to chime in as well, but I want to share my thoughts on this with Ioan. How long's the transmission time, these days?'' + +``I think about thirty days? Somewhere around there. Tycho would know, but I don't think asking him right now is a great idea.'' + +Codrin nodded. ``Well, nothing for it. I'll write to Ioan and May Then My Name, then get ready for the shitshow that's doubtless coming down on us.'' + +\emph{``If I may make a suggestion, my dear,''} Dear said slowly. \emph{``Hold off until you have a better idea of your feelings on the matter.''} + +``Why?'' + +\emph{``This is something enormous, as you say. Let it marinate for a day. You will be able to better construct your message with some rest.''} + +``Right, yeah.'' Ey slumped down in the chair. ``Not like they'll be able to do anything, anyway.'' diff --git a/neviim/content/007.tex b/neviim/content/007.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..19ecf00 --- /dev/null +++ b/neviim/content/007.tex @@ -0,0 +1,149 @@ +\hypertarget{tycho-brahe-2346}{% +\chapter{Tycho Brahe — 2346}\label{tycho-brahe-2346}} +\markboth{Tycho Brahe — 2346}{} + +\begin{center} +\emph{Convergence T-minus 22 days, 8 hours, 23 minutes} +\end{center} + +\noindent Tycho returned to that field beneath the stars after the conversation with Codrin and Dear to find someone already waiting for him. + +They'd discussed this potential. There were two branching paths that they had ruled most likely, which was that he'd meet another of the astronomers or a politician. Were the former the case, he was to calmly explain the situation, exploring the ramifications of the messages both received and sent. + +If, however, it was someone more aligned with the politics of the System—Codrin had left him with a short list of names—then the conversation would take several different forms based on what they already knew. For instance, if they knew that a message had been received but not what its contents were, he was to explain it calmly and plainly, beginning with the intent of speaking to a lay person. If they knew the contents, he was to explain the import behind him. + +If they knew that he had responded, however, the chances were that they were there specifically to interrogate, berate, or potentially cut his access to the perisystem architecture that dealt with the Dreamer Module. Hell, at that point, they might as well cut everyone's access to that bit of the architecture and completely run the show. + +The person who met him, however, immediately made his throat seize up. + +\emph{``If it is True Name,''} Dear had said after providing a description and forking into a skunk to provide a visual aid. \emph{``Then there is absolutely nothing you can do but go along with what she says.''} + +``That bad?'' he had asked. + +\emph{``Oh, do not worry, it will all go quite well for you if she herself is there. The outcome might not be what you wanted when you first meet her, but you will leave feeling as though a great deal has been accomplished. It is difficult to describe or get across in words, as you likely have a very dramatic view of her from reading the} History\emph{.''} + +And there, sitting on the mound in the center of the field, was the precise skunk that he'd been warned about. Long, thick tail. Short, cookie-shaped ears. Tapered snout pointed up to the sky as she leaned back on her paws. + +\emph{Well,} he thought. \emph{Nothing for it.} + +He walked over toward that small rise and, once the rustling of his steps became audible, True Name turned her head toward the sound. It was too dark to see her expression, so his mind flashed through several. Were her teeth bared in anger? Was she smiling kindly? Was she secretly joyous about the news? + +``Dr.~Tycho Brahe, yes?'' + +Tycho pulled out his red-filtered flashlight and the spare he kept with him, turning them both on as he made his way up the hill. ``Yes. You must be True Name.'' + +``My name precedes me, I see.'' She laughed. It didn't sound like a mean or wicked one, just earnest, pleased. She accepted the red-filtered light from him and then patted the grass beside her with a paw. ``Come, sit with me. This place is absolutely fascinating! I had no idea that such a thing was possible here.'' + +Tycho sat on the mossy ground beside the skunk. ``I used to keep it as a place for work or just unwinding, but some years back, I moved in and have just set up camp over in the trees.'' + +``It is delightful,'' she said, and he could hear the awe in her voice. ``How does it work? I thought that there was no way for images to make their way into the System.'' + +He leaned back on his hands beside her to look up into the night sky. ``It takes in all of the information from the fisheye telescope—or any of the telescopes, really—and converts it into data that one can read, and then reconstructs it in here. When it's just stars, just little points of light like this, it's simple enough to display. Color temperature, relative intensity, estimated distance, and so on. When we get close to something, as we did with the Jupiter slingshot, there was too much data, as there would be from any video feed, and the sim just quit displaying anything.'' + +True Name had set the flashlight against her thigh, pointed vaguely up toward her so that he could see her in more detail. Her face was kind, open, and clearly excited. Something about the bristle of her whiskers, the angle of her ears, and the relaxed state of her cheeks worked with her smile to give the impression of wonder and delight, though if pressed, he would've had a hard time defining why. + +``Beautiful.'' + +They sat in silence for a while, simply looking up at the stars, both with their red lights pointed toward them to light themselves up. Because it \emph{was} beautiful, he knew. The night sky, one as pure as this, demanded a reverence, an acknowledgement. + +``Which ones do you suppose they came from?'' she asked. + +``It could be any, at this point,'' he said. ``We have no idea how old their vehicle is. We can know their speed and position with some accuracy, but who knows how much that has changed since they launched.'' + +``Do you mean they might have, ah\ldots attitude jets, I believe they are called?'' + +``Almost certainly, but more than that, any time they get too close to any system with any appreciable gravity, it'll influence their course.'' + +She nodded in the dim, red light. ``Much as they are doing now, perhaps.'' + +``Yes.'' He thought for a moment, querying the perisystem for information, then shrugged. ``They're coming up over the plane of the ecliptic, so there's a good chance that they just used our sun as a gravity assist. A slingshot.'' + +``Picking up a bit of extra speed, then?'' + +``Yep, it's free energy.'' + +She rested her cheek on her shoulder to look over at him, grinning. ``Or perhaps simply to hide where they came from. Maybe they are using the possibility of that assist to obscure their trail!'' She laughed, waving a paw up at the stars. ``Or they are spying on us, investigating us, Earth, Lagrange. But listen to me, here I am speaking like this is some grand space opera. I have read too much science fiction over the years.'' + +He nodded, grinning as well. ``Their speed and the laws of physics make all of those very unlikely. The only reason they may have even bothered to contact us is because we have a chance at some sort of contact that won't immediately fade into light-days.'' + +``They did say that they were moving fast, did they not? I suppose that helps alleviate some of those old space-opera-fueled fears.'' She returned her gaze up to the sky. ``Though, you know, it got me thinking. How many things like this LV might be zooming around the galaxy at incredible speeds? We can be sure now that there are at least three, yes? Our dear home, Castor, then Pollux way on the other side of the sun, and now this new one.'' + +``True. Maybe everyone's just figured out that this is the safest and easiest way to travel.'' + +``You took the words from my mouth,'' she said with a chuckle. ``It makes one wonder, perhaps this is the Great Filter. Perhaps Kardashev was wrong all along, and we should not be looking at the energy usage of a civilization but on the scale from Earthbound, spaceflight, and then uploading, and it is only civilizations that reach that third state that might pass through that filter.'' + +``I'd not thought of it that way.'' + +``There was, of course, no need for you to rush back, but that is what I have been thinking about while waiting for you. Thank you for the light, by the way.'' + +The sudden departure from the topic of the sky above to the here and now shocked Tycho into the realization that he'd fallen in such easy conversation with the skunk. They'd talked like friends, like those who had known each other well but perhaps had just met in person for the first time. + +He saw now what Dear had meant, and he was helpless before it. + +``Well, thank you for stopping by,'' he said, keeping this new anxiety out of his voice as best he could. ``I'm assuming you wanted to talk about the message and response?'' + +True Name sat up, dusted her paws off on her thighs, and then turned to face him, switching to a kneeling position. The friendliness was still there in her face, but was now tempered by a down-to-business professionalism ``Of course. Can you tell me more about the ramifications of this? I can understand the mechanics of it well enough, but I want to hear from you what the next steps are.'' + +This had not been the question he was expecting, so he took the act of sitting to face True Name, cross-legged, to think about his response. ``Well, I suppose they'll send over something uploadable which will drop it in the DMZ. I don't imagine they'll start that for a while yet, given the distances between us. They'll probably want to talk more before doing so, and if they're sending us instructions on how to make an exchange of personalities, that'll give us time to work on that.'' + +``If we want to,'' the skunk said, nodding. ``And, as you were out and we are now gating messages from the Dreamer Module through us, we will keep an eye out for such. We will do our best to keep you in the loop, of course.'' + +He blinked. `Gating'? Perhaps that meant that they'd cut his access and would be sharing only what they chose with him. ``I didn't mean to\ldots I mean, I hope that my response was not too far out of line.'' + +She smiled to him, and while her expression remained friendly, there was the smallest note of pity in that smile. ``Do not worry, Tycho Brahe, you are not in trouble. We have been running simulations on the various possible outcomes ever since this portion of the Dreamer Module was okayed. This possibility was on our list and is well within our parameters. We know what it is that we will be doing going forward, and that does not include reprimanding you in any way.'' + +``I'm sorry,'' he said, before he could even stop himself. ``I probably should've asked.'' + +The skunk waved a paw as though the comment was simply irrelevant. ``You will even keep access to the Dreamer Module; I meant what I said when you will still be kept in the loop. We will simply have \emph{first} access.'' + +He nodded, hoping that there was still enough red light shining on him that she could see the gesture. + +``In fact, that was the primary purpose of my visit. It was nice to get your view of the ramifications, of course, but I wanted to ensure that you would be willing to work with us on this. You keep access to the Dreamer Module, we learn all we can from you. A mutual arrangement wherein you do what you love and we help you out in that, and in exchange you teach us all you can in the process.'' She held out her paw, grinning lopsidedly. ``I know that the concept is rather outdated on the System, but what I am really here to do is offer you a job.'' + +Once the import of her words had sunk in, he laughed and clasped her paw in his hand. ``Oh, of course! If it's all the stuff I love, and also I get to talk about it to someone, that sounds\ldots well, perfect, actually.'' + +She laughed and shook on it. The handshake was picture perfect: the right balance between firm and gentle, the right speed, the right duration, all tuned precisely for him. He could see as though from a meter above himself the precise ways in which he was being played like a fiddle. + +``Excellent, excellent. I will also be in touch with your friend Codrin Bălan, as well, as I believe ey will be a good person to document much of this, so please expect further contact from em. You will also be in touch with a few of my cocladists—beyond Dear, that is—who will be working with you in various capacities.'' + +He nodded, frowning. \emph{How did she know that I'd met Codrin and Dear?} + +``I know that you consider yourself a tasker and that maintaining multiple forks is not your usual MO,'' she continued. ``But if possible, I would like you to keep at least one additional instance to work with us while you continue to work out here and with Codrin. If you have the bandwidth for others, we may have additional tasks. Please keep that in mind, and consider how open to the prospect you will be should you be asked.'' + +``Oh, uh, okay. I guess I just never fork because it seems like an awful lot of trouble. One mind is a lot to deal with as it is.'' + +True Name grinned, said, ``I do not begrudge you that. They are rather a lot. These will be long-running, however, so you need not worry too much about the burden of handling the memories for a while, and if you do not want to deal with that at all, so long as everyone is on the same page with me and my team, you need not accept the memory load.'' + +``Well, alright.'' + +``Can you fork now, please? I will take one of you with me and we can work on arrangements there. You are free to get some sleep, if you need.'' + +Tycho nodded, closed his eyes, and dug back through memories to remember just how to create a new instance, taking a good minute and a half before he managed it. + +``Sorry, it's been a long time,'' the original him said. + +``It is quite alright. We have much practice under our belts.'' She nodded toward the new instance. ``Can you tag yourself something memorable so that you can tell yourself apart? I suggest `Artemis', as that is what we have decided to name the remote vehicle.'' + +Both of him frowned, and after a moment's thought, the new instance was tagged Tycho Brahe\#Artemis, all while scanning his memory for the reference. Goddess of the Moon, yes, but of the hunt? Wild animals? Artemis with her bow? There were too many correspondences and not all of them savory. + +``Why Artemis?'' he asked. + +``They are flying like an arrow through the night sky, are they not?'' True Name said. + +``Does that make the others on the ship, uh\ldots{}Artemisians or whatever?'' + +The skunk stood, offered a paw to help Tycho\#Artemis in standing. ``That or Sea People.'' + +``Sea People?'' he asked, accepting her paw. As he stood, he realized that he was more than a head taller than the skunk, a fact which had missed him as they sat there on the hill. + +``We had better hope for Artemisians, but we must also be prepared for Sea People. Come, Tycho. \#Artemis, we will have a place for you to stay. \#Tasker, you may stay here, and expect contact soon.'' She looked up to the sky one last time, and said. ``Do you know the poem about your namesake?'' + +Tycho\#Artemis shook his head while \#Tasker stood. + +``Reach me down my Tycho Brahe—I would know him when we meet,'' she quoted. ``When I share my later science, sitting humbly at his feet; He may know the law of all things yet be ignorant of how We are working to completion, working on from then till now.'' + +``I--'' + +``You are both, Tycho. We may yet share our later science with them as they may share theirs with us. Perhaps we shall take our turns sitting at each others' feet. But Tycho,'' she said, smiling. ``That is a poem about death. Please understand that there is risk here, as well. Now, come with me.'' + +After True Name and Tycho\#Artemis left, he stood there on the top of his hill, in the middle of his field, surrounded by his ring of trees, and looked up into the night sky, thinking on all that it meant to be powerless. diff --git a/neviim/content/008.tex b/neviim/content/008.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..af098db --- /dev/null +++ b/neviim/content/008.tex @@ -0,0 +1,184 @@ +\hypertarget{codrin-bux103lan-2346}{% +\chapter{Codrin Bălan — 2346}\label{codrin-bux103lan-2346}} +\markboth{Codrin Bălan — 2346}{} + +\begin{center} +\vspace{-1.5em} +\emph{Convergence T-minus 22 days, 3 hours, 10 minutes} +\end{center} + +\noindent It took both eir partners to talk Codrin down from eir desire to simply get right to work. + +\emph{``My dear, if, as he said, Tycho was going to take a nap, perhaps you ought to do the same.''} + +``I know,'' ey replied, shoulders sagging. ``It's hard to get out of that mindset of having to just work.'' + +``I know it's enjoyable,'' eir other partner said. ``But seriously, Codrin, even if you're not going to take a nap, take a thermos out onto the prairie and walk for a bit. Tycho is going to need quite a bit of help, given what you told us of him--'' + +\emph{``And if True Name is already involved.''} + +``That too, yeah. So it's probably best to go into the whole thing well rested and prepared for jittery astronomers and\ldots well, whatever True Name is, these days.'' + +Codrin nodded. ``That makes sense, at least. Do we even have a thermos?'' + +``Probably. I'll go digging. Might as well make a fresh pot, while I'm up.'' + +\emph{``You, my love, are a true delight,''} Dear said, tail flitting this way and that. + +They grinned, walked off to the kitchen, and started clattering around in cupboards for a coffee therm. + +``Dear, have you talked to True Name recently?'' Codrin asked after a polite pause. + +It shook its head. \emph{``Not in terms of a conversation, at least. I have received a few messages from her in the intervening years, many of which were sent to several Odists as a group.''} + +``She does that? What are they? Orders or something?'' + +It shook its head, ears flapping slightly at the movement. \emph{``No.~Or, well, not exactly. They are simply updates, or replies to other, ongoing conversations. Some of us still communicate with each other on a somewhat regular basis, and I have been looped into several of those conversations over the years.''} + +``Wait, ``not exactly''?'' + +\emph{``You have met her. She does not need to order. Oftentimes, she simply suggests.''} + +Ey frowned. ``I sometimes worry that we've been attributing almost magical manipulative abilities to her, honestly.'' + +Dear shrugged. \emph{``Perhaps, but she also has had more than two hundred years of study under her belt to find all of the best ways to interact with people. May Then My Name was something of a let-down for her, I think, even from the very beginning, so she had to learn to take on that mantle herself.''} + +``Especially over the last few years, you mean? With Ioan?'' + +\emph{``Perhaps, though I think that might be ancillary to the fact that our dear May is not on the LVs at all.''} + +Ey blinked, laughed. ``I'd almost forgot.'' + +The fox gave em a strange look. \emph{``You forgot that May Then My Name was not here?''} + +Their partner showed up, a cup of coffee in one hand and a (far too large) thermos in the other. ``Are you forgetting things again, Codrin?'' + +``No, no,'' ey said, accepting the thermos with a frown. ``Or, well, kind of. I didn't forget that May Then My Name wasn't here, just the ramifications of that, that True Name might not have her as a tool.'' + +\emph{``That is more understandable, yes,''} the fox said. \emph{``Perhaps the True Name here on Castor has diverged from the one on Lagrange in that respect, perhaps not. I suspect that both are disappointed, in their own ways.''} + +Standing, Codrin fiddled with the thermos, ensuring that the lid was a mug when removed—two nested ones, actually—then nodded. ``I don't know how many dimensions she's thinking on, but I also wouldn't be surprised if she'd had a cost-benefit analysis on losing her to Ioan.'' + +\emph{``I would not be surprised, no, which would mean that she has planned around that eventuality. I am sure that May Then My Name is keeping an eye on that. Do not let us keep you, though, my dear. Go for your walk. Think about something else. Enjoy the cold, build a cairn around your worries, and then return safe.''} + +Ey smiled, leaned down to kiss the fox between the ears, then eir other partner on the cheek. ``I didn't know that was possible, but I'll try. Back in a bit.'' + +Ey made it two cairns out before caving to the desire to simply get started, and stepped over to Tycho's field. There was a ping of amusement from Dear, to which ey replied with a guilty apology and an acknowledgement that ey'd return soon, all while waiting for eir eyes to adjust to the sudden darkness. + +The next sensorium message was a gentle ping to Tycho—nothing so loaded with anxiety as the one ey'd received this morning, just an acknowledgement, a view of the stars. + +A voice came from somewhere behind em. ``Codrin?'' + +Ey whirled around to see a dim cone of red light shining on the ground, illuminating feet in a pair of well-worn boots. ``Tycho? Sorry for intruding like this. I hope I'm not waking you or anything.'' + +``No, no. Come in. I haven't been able to sleep since True Name left.'' + +There was a small click and then a ray of further red light spread out from a doorway, showing a small hut nestled within the trees. Ey let emself be guided in the door, finding a sparsely decorated room—a desk, a bed, and a massive cork board nailed to the wall, covered in at least three overlapping layers of notes. + +``Thanks for having me,'' ey said, sitting on the offered chair while Tycho claimed the edge of the bed. Once the door was shut, a switch in the jamb shifted the red light to a normal, warm desk lamp. ``I should've mentioned that I'd be coming over, first.'' + +He waved away the apology. ``I knew you'd be here, though I didn't know when.'' + +Codrin paused in the middle of unscrewing the lid to the thermos. ``You knew?'' + +``True Name said you would.'' + +Ey frowned, finishing opening the thermos and offering Tycho one of the two mugs of coffee. ``What did she say about me?'' + +``She didn't talk with you?'' + +Ey shook eir head. ``Did she say she would?'' + +Tycho sipped at the coffee, winced, and set the mug aside to cool. ``No, she just talked as though she had, or at least that she knew you'd be working with me.'' + +``Of course she did,'' ey murmured. ``She knows me too well.'' + +He ground the heels of his palms against his eyes. ``I feel like she knew me too well, too. We had what felt like a wonderful conversation where she offered me a job, asked me to fork to send an instance with her to keep working with her, but then quoted some bit of poetry at me and I couldn't tell if it was a threat or a warning or whatever. I'm still trying to recover from that.'' + +``I'm guessing you said yes to both the job offer and the fork?'' + +He nodded. ``It all just sounded so normal. There didn't seem like anything else to do.'' + +``Can you tell me more about both?'' + +``Well, she said that she knew a good deal about the communications and that she'd like me to come help her with the mechanics of that. She'd help me out with resources and I'd teach her what I learn about Artemis as I learned it.'' + +``Artemis? Is that what they're calling the remote\ldots ship? Vehicle?'' + +He nodded. ``Either, really. It carries people. She said they're calling it Artemis, that I should tag my fork \#Artemis, and that those on the ship were either Artemisians or Sea People, which I didn't get.'' + +``Sea People might be a reference to something from the \emph{Mythology,}'' Codrin leaned back in the seat, thinking. ``Or it could be a reference to a theory about a marauding group of seafarers during the Bronze Age collapse. One that had sacked much of the ancient near east and northern Africa, leading to the prolongation of the collapse.'' + +Tycho's eyes grew wide. ``Do you think that's what she's getting at with the reference? That these are going to be some marauders coming to mess with the LV?'' + +Ey shrugged. ``Who knows? Probably both, honestly. Maybe there's even some reference that we're missing. She's True Name, there really is no way of telling.'' + +Nodding, Tycho scooted back on the bed until his back was to the wall, then brought his knees up to his chest. Despite his height, he looked small to Codrin, somehow diminished after the events of the last\ldots goodness, had it only been a day? Diminished, yes, and younger, though he'd always looked as though he was not yet out of his forties with his well-groomed salt-and-pepper hair and well-kept beard. + +They sat in silence for a while. Codrin could not guess what the astronomer was thinking about, though ey could see his eyes occasionally darting this way and that, as though connecting one idea to another in the air as well as in his head. + +For eir part, ey began structuring the project. There would have to be the journalistic aspect of it, much closer to that of \emph{On the Perils of Memory} than \emph{An Expanded History of Our World,} but if the conservative Odists were also involved, there'd likely also be far more observing than researching. + +``Tycho,'' ey said, startling him out of a reverie. ``Do you know what an amanuensis is?'' + +``Like a recorder? A stenographer? Someone who takes notes?'' + +``Well, in part, but also someone who thinks about what they're recording,'' ey said, tapping at eir temple. ``They aren't a scribe or a court recorder, but someone there to witness and digest a conversation.'' + +``Like a clerk?'' He grinned. ``We used to have one of those for our club who would take minutes of the meetings and such.'' + +Ey nodded. ``Certainly closer to that than a recorder, yeah. I bring this up because that will be my job in all of this, but I think it'll also be yours. Things like the \emph{History} are all well and good, and I loved putting the work into the writing, but I also really enjoy doing this. I may wish that the things I get caught up in weren't always so dramatic, but I'll take what I can get.'' + +``What do you mean, it'll be my job too?'' he asked. + +``Just that you will also be witnessing and thinking about this project, and then coming up with ideas related to it to be compiled into a coherent understanding. That's why we'll be working together, I think. I'm trained to do this work in particular, but I'll need your help in making sense of the science part of it. I'll experience it with you as much as I'm allowed, but you'll have to ensure that I actually understand what's going on.'' + +Tycho laughed. ``Well, I'll do my best, but it's not like I have much experience working with Artemisians, either. I'll help with the technical aspects as best I can, though.'' + +``Excellent,'' Codrin said. ``Thank you for that. I'll be managing most of this part, so you won't have to worry too much about the minutiae, but I figured it'd give you a better idea of what to expect when we work together.'' + +He nodded. + +``On that note, let's come up with a basic idea of what's next for us. We mostly talked about immediate next steps earlier, but it might be a good idea to start thinking on a larger timescale.'' + +``I guess. I'm assuming it'll be pretty loose, given that we can't guess the particulars?'' He waited for Codrin to nod, then continued. ``Then we have a month or so before they reach their closest approach as long as we both stay on our own heading.'' + +``Does that mean a month before they upload?'' + +He shrugged. ``Not necessarily. They can upload whenever they want, so long as our Ansible is on and the DMZ is ready. I don't think it's on yet, though. There's probably an effective range beyond which using the Ansible would be risky.'' + +``Alright. Have we received any further communications from them? Their message said that they had a similar mechanism in place. Is that something we'll be able to use? Or want to use, even?'' + +``No further communications that I know of,'' he said. ``But True Name said that all communications will be gated through her, and I don't know if that means that I'll be getting them or just Tycho\#Artemis. Hopefully both, if you and I are to be working on this as well.'' + +Codrin frowned. ``Well, okay.'' + +``As for us using their mechanism, I guess it depends on if it's something we can reconfigure our Ansible to use, or if we will need to construct something new. If we'll need to construct something new, then we might not be able to do so in time. Our manufactories are meant for repairs rather than construction. Theoretically they could be used for such, but I don't know how long that'd take without someone phys-side to help.'' + +``And would we want to?'' + +``That feels like a question for True Name, not me,'' he said after a long pause. + +Ey finished eir coffee and replaced the cup on the cap of the thermos. ``One of us will have to work up the courage to ask her, sometime. But for now, is it something you would want to do?'' + +``What? Upload to Artemis?'' He looked startled by the question. + +``Yes. If it's possible, I mean. I figure it would just be an instance rather than completely investing. I'd also be curious to hear your opinions on that as well.'' + +Tycho tilted his head back until it hit the wall of the hut, staring up toward the ceiling. He sat like that for a good five minutes, during which Codrin remained silent, before leaning forward to pour emself another cup of coffee. + +``Yes,'' he said. ``I don't know about investing completely, but yes, I think I would. Would you?'' + +Ey smiled, though ey felt just how tired ey was as ey did so. ``Perhaps. I have attachments here, though. So the Codrin who uploaded—if ey remains a Codrin—would be severed completely from those ey loves. As romantic as the idea of sailing away on some alien spacecraft might be, it'd be painful to leave, even knowing that a Codrin remained.'' + +``And if your partners uploaded with you?'' + +The idea caught em up short, and several trains of thought crunched to a halt within em. ``If they\ldots{}'' Ey laughed, shaking eir head. ``You know, I hadn't considered that. I wonder why? But yes, if they choose to do so, then yes, I'll go with them.'' + +The conversation wound on from there, teasing apart a few possible next steps that lay ahead of them, but throughout it all, at least one thread of eir mind was dedicated to picking at that question. + +Why had ey not considered whether or not eir partners would want to upload? It wasn't as though ey didn't attribute the agency to do so to them, ey knew just how independent and intelligent they were on their own. Nor was it that ey hadn't made any guesses as to whether or not they would—ey suspected that Dear would jump at the opportunity. + +The root of the issue lay within emself, ey knew. Why was ey not able to make that decision without them doing so first? Was ey really such a follower? Was ey really so stuck living five minutes behind them that ey couldn't imagine making the decision in the face of the possibility of simply reacting to it? Would ey be able to say yes or no to that question if they asked? + +Conversely, would ey be able to argue one way or the other, to convince them to come with em or not? diff --git a/neviim/content/009.tex b/neviim/content/009.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..3fe89ed --- /dev/null +++ b/neviim/content/009.tex @@ -0,0 +1,251 @@ +\hypertarget{tycho-braheartemis-2346}{% +\chapter{Tycho Brahe\#Artemis — 2346}\label{tycho-braheartemis-2346}} +\markboth{Tycho Brahe\#Artemis — 2346}{} + +\begin{center} +\emph{Convergence T-minus 22 days, 3 hours, 49 minutes} +\end{center} + +\noindent Tycho\#Artemis was unsure if what he was seeing was a flurry of chaotic activity or some tightly choreographed dance. Part of this assessment, he guessed, was due to the relatively small number of individuals for the number of instances moving around. There were probably a dozen instances of True Name that he could see, and then at least that many of a gentleman who looked to be in his well-preserved forties, slender without being lanky, tall without being looming. + +And that was it. Well over twenty instances of two individuals milling around what appeared to be a farm of cubicles, each walled with glass, the upper half of which was frosted. + +Ringing this bank of cubicles were walls of frosted glass, broken at regular intervals with doors which ey supposed must be offices. Between those doors were couches, looking pleasantly soft in his exhaustion, and an array of padded stools or chairs with interrupted backs which he supposed must be perfect for those endowed with tails, given the occasional skunk or man—Jonas, perhaps?—relaxing in them, chatting amiably during what must be either breaks or informal meetings. + +And yet, for all that activity, it was incredibly quiet. There must be dozens of cones of silence set up, spanning cube walls, covering banks of couches, even hovering over those walking the aisles. + +``What is this?'' he asked the skunk standing beside him. + +``Headquarters.'' She gestured him to a couch already containing a woman, picking at her nails. Short, pale, with curly black hair framing a round face. ``Though that makes it sound far more formal than it really is. It is a place for Jonas and I to work together in our various instances.'' + +He sank down into the couch beside the woman. ``That sounds pretty formal to me. What are you working on that requires cubicles?'' + +True Name laughed, claiming a stool facing the couch where she sat, straight-backed. ``The informal aspect of it is that we are working on essentially whatever we want. Co-working space, perhaps? It is a space where we can have conversations, write, think. If there are a dozen of us, there are three dozen projects.'' + +``And the message from Artemis is one of them?'' + +``It is several of them, yes. It has spun off a few projects of its own. Ah! Jonas. Which are you?'' she said when one of the men blipped into existence, already seated in one of the chairs. + +He grinned, crossing his legs in front of him at the ankles. ``Di5.'' He nodded toward Tycho. ``Just call me Jonas, though. True Name is just being a snot.'' + +The skunk kicked out at one of his ankles. + +``Deserved that,'' he said. ``You must be Dr.~Brahe, yeah? Nice to meet you.'' + +He nodded, said, ``Just Tycho is fine.'' + +Jonas nodded absently. Without any visible signal a cone of silence fell over the area, dimming what noise remained outside of it to the barest murmur. + +``I am Why Ask Questions When The Answers Will Not Help,'' the woman said in a tone that seemed to sit just shy of laughter. ``Answers Will Not Help will do.'' + +``Answers, in a rush,'' Jonas said, to which she replied with an ankle-kick of her own. + +``If you call me Answers, I will beat the shit out of you,'' she said though that near-laugh took most of the sting out of the words. + +``To business, then.'' True Name gestured towards Tycho. ``Tycho, here, is the one that answered the message, as you all know, so I have encouraged him to fork and join us. Tycho\#Artemis will be working here, and Tycho\#Tasker will be working with--'' + +``Codrin?'' Jonas asked, grin turning sly. + +``Of course.'' + +``Well, if you're the one to thank for kicking this whole thing off, perhaps you can enlighten us as to why?'' + +Tycho felt anxiety tighten within his chest. ``I uh\ldots I don't know. I guess I was the first one to read the message, and I didn't know what to do with that, so I just replied without really thinking, I guess.'' + +``You were not the first to read the message,'' True Name said, smiling almost pityingly at him. ``And you need not be anxious. As I have already said, we have been wargaming this possibility since we were forced to concede that aspect of the Module.'' + +He frowned. ``Well, if you read it first, why'd you let it through so that I could see it?'' + +``We are not the astronomers,'' Answers Will Not Help said, shrugging. ``That is your job, is it not?'' + +``Don't you want to control the situation or something, though?'' + +True Name shook her head. ``It is not our job to control.'' + +``But the \emph{History--}'' + +``Do you remember the motto of the Council of Eight, Tycho?'' + +He frowned. ``\,``To guide but not to govern'', right?'' + +True Name nodded. ``We are not controlling anything. We are guiding. Of what use would control be in a place such as this? People can do whatever they want.'' + +``Was the \emph{History} wrong then? That you didn't control Secession and Launch?'' + +``We guided them both,'' Jonas said, waving his hand. ``Just as we guided the \emph{History.} Even the Bălan clade knows this.'' + +``Why, though?'' Tycho asked. + +``Social engineering,'' True Name said, then nodded toward Jonas. ``We should not get too sidetracked, though. Jonas, you had more questions?'' + +``I did, yeah. First off, can you give me an overall breakdown of the time frame involved here?'' + +``Well\ldots wait, can you tell me how long it's been since the message arrived? I haven't slept in I don't know how long.'' + +``A little less than twelve hours.'' + +``Well, then we have a little less than forty days until their closest approach, at which point they'll start moving away from us again.'' + +``And what does that approach mean for us?'' + +Tycho rubbed at the back of his neck, searching for the best way to explain it. ``All it means is that that is the point when the transmission times between our two vehicles will be the shortest, then it'll start getting longer again.'' + +Jonas nodded. ``And that approach isn't all that close, is it?'' + +``Oh God no. Five light-minutes is, uh\ldots ninety million kilometers? Something like that.'' + +``Good, thanks for confirming. I'm going to ungate the next set of messages. Ready?'' + +Jonas did not actually wait for confirmation before Tycho was given access. Or, rather, access was forced upon him. Like a sensorium message, the text from the perisystem architecture wedged itself into his mind. + +\begin{quote} +If possible, in 400 hours orient down 0.3142 radians relative to your sun reference point source of this transmission to align courses. If possible, accelerate 0.00029c to approach matched velocity. Confirm actions taken upon receipt. + +Instructions for matching consciousness-bearing system transfer mechanism to follow. Confirm actions taken. + +Prepare airgapped area with locked-down edit permissions minimum dimensions 20m by 20m height 5m and two sandbox areas for rest for us and you dimensions 20m by 20m height 5m. Confirm actions taken. + +Prepare party of five consciousness-bearing systems containing one element of leadership, one to record in any capacity, one scientist, two representatives of own choice. Duplicate, prepare to send one set to us, and send other set to above location. Prepare to receive five in turn, similar roles. Expect four categories of consciousness-bearing systems. Confirm actions taken. + +We welcome you. + +Turun Ka of firstrace, leadership\\ +Turun Ko of firstrace, recorder\\ +Stolon of thirdrace, scientist\\ +Iska of secondrace, representative\\ +Artante Diria of fourthrace, representative +\end{quote} + +A long silence stretched over the group while the others waited for Tycho to digest the sudden onslaught of information. + +``This is,'' he said, took a slow breath in, then continued, ``a lot.'' + +``Talk us through your thoughts,'' True Name said. ``That will help you process, and you may catch something that we have not. This is your role here, Tycho Brahe.'' + +He nodded. ``Okay. So, from the top. They suggest we make some course alterations to, I suppose, get us traveling parallel with them, and then accelerate to get closer to their velocity. Does that sound right?'' + +Jonas nodded. ``We've talked with the parasystem engineers who work with the attitude thrusters and propulsion. They say that they can accommodate the maneuver. We can accelerate a little bit if we use half our fuel, but we're beyond the point where the solar sail is doing us much good, the HE engines are too slow, and we want to preserve some of that fuel.'' + +``How much acceleration? I mean, I don't have any training in the physics of spaceflight--'' + +``We've got that covered.'' + +``Oh. Well, how much acceleration, then?'' + +``About a third of what they asked. It'll extend the period of time that we're in useful Ansible range by a week or two, giving us about five weeks total.'' + +``If you say so.'' he shrugged. ``I guess this is to help extend the duration that we can transfer back and forth?'' + +``Yeah, basically,'' Jonas said. ``Do you have thoughts on that?'' + +Tycho frowned. He wasn't sure why they kept asking him questions about his sentiments on things far outside his area of expertise. Of what use were his thoughts on the matter? ``I mean, it makes sense, as far as any of this has.'' + +``How much astronomy you hope to learn from the Artemisians will rely on how long we stay in contact.'' Answers Will Not Help grinned at him. ``Does that bit make sense, at least?'' + +He sat up straighter. ``Oh, uh\ldots you mean someone will be gathering all that information? Will we be able to request it via radio?'' + +True Name smiled, and this time there \emph{was} pity in the expression. ``I know that you said starting from the top, but Tycho, you must understand that you are ideally situated to be the scientist among our party of five. You were the one to answer their call, were you not?'' + +He couldn't tell what expression or expressions crossed his face, but it must've been amusing, as Answers Will Not Help laughed and slapped him on the knee. ``You will be fine, Tycho.'' + +``Why me, though?'' he stammered. ``There have to be smarter people on board! People who would love to meet aliens and know just what to ask them.'' + +The skunk across from him waved her paw to dismiss the comment. ``You will be the scientist. We do not want someone who is smarter than you. We do not want someone who knows just what to ask them. We want you because you are the type of person who grants consent to join us without consulting anyone first. That and a few other factors that we have taken into account leave our decision clear.'' + +``Besides,'' Answers Will Not Help him said, still giggling. ``You will get to ask four spacefaring races astronomy questions. Does that not excite you?'' + +``I\ldots four?'' His head was swimming, not aided by the stilted way these Odists seemed to talk. + +``Four categories of consciousness-bearing systems. Firstrace through fourthrace. Seems pretty obvious what they are saying to me.'' + +He swallowed dryly. + +``You will be the scientist,'' True Name said. ``I will be acting in a leadership capacity, having lost the coin-toss with Jonas. Codrin Bălan will be our recorder. One of my uptree instances, Why Ask Questions, Here At The End Of All Things will be one of the other representatives, and we are searching for the second.'' + +``Two of you?'' + +``Sending two members of the same clade who look different will give us an idea of how they view forking.'' Jonas nodded toward the two Odists. ``That's why I cheated to win the coin-toss, at least. I want to see what they do with one skunk Odist and one human Odist, as Why Ask Questions is.'' + +``And I will run interference here,'' Answers Will Not Help added. ``I will be learning much the same as Why Ask Questions so that I can interpret messages from the DMZ and Artemis. She is better at working crowds.'' + +Tycho nodded. He felt slow, somehow. Stupid. It wasn't even that they were speaking about things he didn't understand because he hadn't learned them yet so much as they were speaking as though their actions took place on some higher plane of existence, some place completely inaccessible to him. + +``Apologies for sidetracking your top-to-bottom reading. Please continue,'' True Name said. + +``Uh, alright.'' He shook his head to try and clear it. It did not work. ``Instructions for transferring a consciousness-bearing system\ldots I'm assuming that's their version of the Ansible?'' + +``Yes. We received the specifications for that immediately after this message. I will not bore you with their contents, but the sys-side Ansible techs assure us that it works much the same as ours and will require only software changes, nothing physical. That will be ready within a few weeks, if not sooner.'' + +He hesitated. Then, seeing no possible reply that wouldn't make him sound like an idiot, continued. ``Alright. Then they want us to prepare a space for them. I don't know what airgapped means, though.'' + +``We're assuming they mean as in a DMZ. Something completely separate from the rest of our System, which is what we were planning, anyway. It's a tech term which means that there is no physical connection between two devices, so they can't possibly communicate unless one plugs in a cable. Maybe that's what they meant?'' Jonas grinned lopsidedly. ``We'll just have to hope we get it right.'' + +``So, a secure place to meet, which we were planning on anyway. Do you think they're worried we'll attack them or something?'' + +True Name and Jonas exchanged a quick glance, and the skunk, suddenly more serious than she'd been since he'd met her, said, ``Expand on that.'' Not a question. A command. + +He mastered the urge to shy away from her. ``I just mean that, if we can't promise them that we're universally on board with having them visit us, that puts the talks at risk, right?'' + +She leaned back on her stool, frowning, as two more instances of her forked off and dashed down the aisles to a cubicle, followed by a fork of Jonas. ``This is why we are talking with you, Tycho. Thank you for proving your worth so quickly.'' + +``This wasn't part of your calculations or whatever?'' + +``It was,'' Jonas said. ``But the fact that you thought of it so quickly was not.'' + +He shook his head. ``I still don't understand why me, though.'' + +``You are in absolutely no way special, my dear.'' Answers Will Not Help bumped his shoulder with hers, her voice once more full of smiles. ``You are in absolutely all ways average. This allows us to use you as a barometer for how we can expect the rest of the System to react.'' + +``I mean, I guess I'm average, but that doesn't seem like much data. Aren't you asking more people?'' + +She was back to laughing. ``How many people do you imagine know about this, Tycho?'' + +He sighed, slouching further down into the couch. ``Right. Okay. Twenty by twenty by five meters for the conference room and their rest area. Uh\ldots maybe that says how big they are?'' + +``And maybe just the size of their DMZ so that we can meet on equal grounds on both sides,'' Jonas said. ``We won't know until it happens. It does show us that they rest, though, or at least expect to take breaks from the talks. That they say two means that they think we will as well.'' + +\emph{Rest,} he thought. \emph{Rest sounds good.} + +Aloud, he said, ``And I guess the next bit we've already talked about some. Maybe four races. They say `consciousness-bearing systems' and don't name their races, so maybe it's complicated. If they've picked up three other races before meeting us, maybe very, very complicated.'' + +``I have been thinking,'' Answers Will Not Help said. ``Perhaps some of them were not biological races. They did not say people or species.'' + +``AIs, you mean?'' + +She shrugged. ``Or something. It might also be a caste thing. You will notice that there are two firstrace emissaries, one of which is the leader, and then secondrace and fourthrace only get representatives, no titles. There are many possibilities.'' + +After a pause, he asked, ``And is that `We welcome you' an invitation to join them?'' + +``Maybe,'' Jonas said. ``We don't know yet. We're going to keep talking to them and try and get a better feel for it. If it means `You're welcome to join us', that's certainly better than `We welcome you because you have no other choice'. We're working on it.'' + +Tycho rubbed his face tiredly. ``Way above my pay grade.'' + +True Name laughed. ``It is, yes.'' + +``Any thoughts on the names?'' Jonas asked. + +``Well, I guess it's interesting that the two firstrace people\ldots individuals\ldots er, consciousness-bearing systems share a name. Maybe they're a clade, like\ldots I mean\ldots{}'' + +``Like me?'' Jonas said, smirking. ``Don't worry, Jonases Ka and Ko already had their laugh over it. But no, we don't know that one way or another.'' + +He felt heat rise to his cheeks, but nodded all the same. ``The rest, I don't know. They all sound different, I guess. The fourthrace one is the only other one with two names.'' + +``We cannot make any real guesses, ourselves,'' True Name said. ``We have been told that a stolon is a botanical term, but that is likely only a coincidence.'' + +``Well, only other thing I can think of is that they ask for confirmation on all actions taken. What are you going to say to those?'' + +True Name's eyes grew distant as, he imagined, she accessed an exo with the response text prepared. ``To the first, `We will orient as described and accelerate 0.00014c'. To the second, `Instructions received, integration commencing immediately, estimated time to completion 428 hours'. To the third, `Areas prepared'. To the fourth, `Preparing party, we will duplicate and be ready to send on an agreed upon time'.'' + +``Anything for the `We welcome you' or the list of names?'' + +``We will repeat the `We welcome you' message, and it will be signed with your name,'' Answers Will Not Help said. + +He stood up so quickly it made him dizzy. ``What?'' + +The other three laughed, True Name eventually continuing, ``It will be signed `The Only Time I Know My True Name Is When I Dream of the Ode clade, leadership'. We will send them the complete list of names when it is confirmed. You need not worry, Tycho. Answers Will Not Help was just being a snot, as Jonas so eloquently put it.'' + +He remained standing, swaying slightly and trying to blink away dancing black spots. ``I think\ldots I think I need to lay down.'' + +The skunk nodded, stood, and took him by the elbow. ``You likely do. You have been awake for almost forty-five hours. We have a room prepared for you.'' + +Jonas stood as well, dusting off his slacks, and shook Tycho's hand. ``Welcome aboard. And hey, congrats on first contact.'' diff --git a/neviim/content/010.tex b/neviim/content/010.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..12d01f7 --- /dev/null +++ b/neviim/content/010.tex @@ -0,0 +1,195 @@ +\hypertarget{codrin-balan-2346}{% +\chapter{Codrin Balan — 2346}\label{codrin-balan-2346}} +\markboth{Codrin Balan — 2346}{} + +\begin{center} +\emph{Convergence T-minus 21 days, 9 hours, 48 minutes} +\end{center} + +\noindent Codrin found emself in possession of a blissful day of peace after that sudden pile-on of news. Ey acknowledged a request from True Name to act as amanuensis with a faintness of heart that ey hoped she did not notice, worked on a letter to Ioan, and then went back to spending the rest of eir day napping, catching up on a writing project ey had been poking at, shoving Dear around for fun, and watching the fox rehearse its next performance with their partner. This one was to be a ballroom dance where everyone invited would dance with instances of Dear, which would begin disappearing one by one while the rest grew steadily more anxious, as though worrying that they would be next. + +It was all very Dear, and Codrin enjoyed the idea immensely. + +It was comforting, in a way, to sit on the couch and watch eir partners dance, stumble, laugh, start dancing again, all while this big project loomed outside. It was there, ey knew. It was hovering outside like a storm rolling inexorably over the prairie, ready to lash the sides of the house with bands of rain and rattle the glass with peals of thunder. + +But for now, ey was safe inside, laying in supplies, even if they were simply emotional and intellectual reserves for what ey knew would be a taxing endeavor. + +The only conversation ey'd allowed about the entire affair came at night, when the three of them had piled into bed, each in their familiar order but pressed now up against each other, perhaps drawing comfort against the onrushing storm. + +``How's it going to feel working alongside True Name instead of against her?'' their partner asked, voice muffled by a pillow as the fox kneaded on their shoulders. + +Codrin replied, voice equally muffled against the back of Dear's neck, ``I don't know if I was working against her, necessarily. It felt like it at the time, but now it just feels like we were both doing our jobs.'' + +``You just hated hers.'' + +Ey laughed against Dear's neck, which got a giggle out of the fox in turn. ``I guess. It's hard to hate too much because good things came of it, but also you can't say for sure that the same thing would've happened if she hadn't been there. Her, Jonas, the lot of them, they were all helpful in bringing about Secession and Launch how they happened, but who knows? Maybe they would've happened regardless, just with different people at the helm.'' + +There was a long moment of silence, broken only by the occasional noise of contentment from Dear's partner as the fox continued in its back-rub. Codrin spent the time plastering those thoughts over with better ones. Ey thought about how the fox smelled, how its fur felt against eir face. Ey thought about how, once, ey'd wound up between eir two partners in much the same position and it had led to an overwhelming wave of anxiety, a sense that things were wrong, a feeling that ey needed to escape, and how they'd comforted em and then simply fallen back into the habit of laying like this, instead. Dear seemed to draw a sense of security, sandwiched between them, just as Codrin did by having no one at eir back. + +\emph{``Did you hate her?''} Dear said, breaking the silence and eir rumination. It had stopped in its massage and settled for a simple hug instead. \emph{``Do you still?''} + +Ey hooked eir chin over the fox's shoulder, humming thoughtfully. ``Maybe, in a way. I thought I did at the time. I thought I hated that she was part of the hidden level of control that everyone suspects but no one can prove. All she needed was a black suit, black sunglasses, and an earpiece.'' + +Both of eir partners laughed. + +``Now, though, I think resentment is a more accurate word than hate. I resent the feeling of being controlled with no recourse. She may have the brainpower and manpower and analytical skills to read everyone as thoroughly as she did, but I resent how cold she was in actually doing so; intentionally making me angry to make the result seem overly sensational? Not to be taken seriously? There's a lot of cynicism bound up in that.'' Ey shrugged. ``There's no point in hating her. I don't dislike the System as it stands after her and Jonas's manipulation, but I resent the cynicism it took to get here. I don't resent being here, but I do resent the phys-side manipulations that led to me being here.'' + +After yawning, Dear's partner asked, ``Think you'll be alright working beside her while you resent her?'' + +``If it was just me, no,'' ey said. ``If that cynicism is directed at the Artemisians and Tycho and whoever else, rather than just at me, It'll be fine, I think.'' + +\emph{``Besides,''} Dear said. \emph{``You will still get to see great things, my dear. You may be tired, yes, but out of however many billion people on board, you will get to see great things.''} + +The conversation trailed off from there, and the three slept well that night, each dreaming their dreams of cynicism or skunks or aliens or astronomers or love. + +The reprieve lasted until morning when, upon waking, Codrin discovered a note on the floor, written in the Odists' distinctive handwriting: + +\begin{quote} +Mx.~Bălan, + +It has been requested that we pull together a team of five to act as emissaries to exchange with a team of similar composition from the Artemisians. They have left specific instructions for the roles that should be involved: someone in a position of leadership, a scientist, a recorder, and two representatives. We have the following: + +\begin{itemize} +\tightlist +\item + Leadership: myself, True Name +\item + Scientist: Dr.~Tycho Brahe +\item + Recorder: you +\item + Representative 1: Why Ask Questions, Here At The End Of All Things of the Ode clade +\end{itemize} + +However, we will need one more representative. It would be vanishingly easy for me or Jonas to pick someone who would be fitting for our enterprises, but why do that when it would potentially be much more interesting to let you pick? It ought to be someone outside the Ode clade or your polycule, but beyond that, I find myself fascinated by the idea that you—you, who have your feet on the ground and head in the clouds—might pick someone about whom I know nothing. With two Odists on the team already, one of whom is one of my up-tree instances, I am sure you can see that we will have the situation under control from our end. + +Please make your choice today, and I will look forward to seeing the two of you at systime 1700 for a candlelit dinner in Tycho's delightful sim. If they are interested in joining, your partners are also welcome. + +Cordially, + +The Only Time I Know My True Name Is When I Dream of the Ode clade +\end{quote} + +Attached was the full text of both messages received so far. + +After reading the note, ey placed it face down on the table and headed to the kitchen to make coffee. Ey needed at least some mood-altering substance before engaging with that, and it was far too early in the morning to reach for wine. + +When Dear read the note, the fox made a sour face. \emph{``I am not sure whether she is trying to be funny, strategically honest, or simply a brat.''} + +Ey slouched in eir chair at the table, focusing on the coffee, doing eir best to pick out and name different notes in the flavor. Something fruity. And caramel, perhaps. ``I didn't know she was capable of humor.'' + +\emph{``Everyone is capable of humor, my dear. Whether or not they intend it is the question.''} + +``Want to come to a dinner party with me, then?'' + +There was a long pause during which several emotions played out on the fox's face before it replied. \emph{``I will have an answer for you by systime 1500. I cannot decide right now.''} + +``Dinner party?'' Dear's partner stumbled from the bedroom, creases from a pillow still evident on their cheek. ``How many do I have to cook for?'' + +``None, thankfully,'' Codrin grinned. ``Or perhaps just Dear and I. We've been invited to one.'' + +They stopped at the end of the table, leaning down onto their hands. ``Well, Dear is frowning, so I'm assuming it's complicated?'' + +``True Name would like me to join her and the rest of the emissaries to the Artemisians for dinner, and she's invited you two as well.'' + +``No,'' they said flatly. ``And now, it's time for coffee.'' + +A warning glance from Dear kept Codrin from asking further after that. Instead, ey said, ``I have an unrelated question for you once you're caffeinated.'' + +They waved their hand noncommittally as they stumbled into the kitchen where a mug sat waiting for them already. + +Once everyone was awake enough for conversation, ey asked eir question. ``Either of you know someone who would be a good choice to balance out this diplomatic party? Someone less likely to try and shape the whole venture to their will, but not as passive as an amanuensis?'' + +Dear shrugged. \emph{``I can get you in touch with plenty of artists. How opposite of an Odist viewpoint are you looking for?''} + +``I'm not sure that's quite the goal, so much as someone who can be engaged and can contribute without being as cynical as anyone from True Name's stanza or as singularly focused as Tycho. I think what might be good is just someone ordinary. Someone normal. Boring.'' + +Dear's partner raised their eyebrows. ``If you want someone who would be interested, is pleasant to be around, and is able to engage in a conversation without going down a rabbit hole or starting a fight, I think I know someone.'' + +\emph{``Slander. I can engage in conversations and I do not go down rabbit holes or start fights.''} + +``Yeah, but absolutely no one would call you boring, Dear.'' + +It preened. + +``Sounds promising,'' Codrin said, flipping the note over and studying the list. ``What do they have that would counterbalance this, beyond being ordinary?'' + +``She's earnest about everything. It's really endearing, actually. She's likeable without being manipulative or cynical. She's interested in people, too, and tries to see the good in them like it's her job.'' They paused, grinned, and shrugged. ``I mean, she was my therapist before I uploaded, so I may be a little biased.'' + +``A therapist? That's a really good idea, come to think of it.'' Ey leaned forward onto eir elbows. ``Someone who can understand humans and just be a normal human is what I was thinking of. What's her name?'' + +``Sarah Genet. Want me to see if she's free? She's a tracker, I'm sure she'd be willing to send a fork for something like this.'' + +``Why not? She sounds like a nice enough person to meet either way.'' + +Dear nodded enthusiastically. \emph{``I am always curious to meet friends of others from before they uploaded! You are not exempt from this, my love.''} + +They smirked, looked up at the ceiling for a minute or two, then nodded. ``She's getting ready, and will be over at noon or so.'' + +Codrin had never seen a therapist either before or after uploading. Before, it had been a luxury that eir family couldn't afford, and after, ey had been so busy—first with getting used to uploaded life, then with study, then with work—to have considered it much. + +Ey had, however, seen a counselor in school as mandated by the school itself. Mr.~Nicolescu had been a kindly old gentleman, but one who seemed perpetually on the brink of collapsing from exhaustion. It made sense, given the size of the school, the requirement to meet with every student at least once a year, and the lack of any other counselors. Ey had been a good student and a quiet kid, and seeing him in any context other than the required visit—as ey had when eir parents had died—was often a sign that something had gone wrong. + +Sarah Genet immediately reminded em of Mr.~Nicolescu in many ways. The way she walked, the way she held herself, her smile, the way she listened with her whole attention on whatever someone had to say. + +Ey liked her immediately, a feeling which ey'd questioned ever since composing the \emph{History.} + +``So, all I was told coming into this was that I was needed for a project that might interest me,'' she said, once she'd been offered coffee, snacks, and a seat at the table. ``If you're going to go all mysterious on me, I'm probably already going to say yes, but make your pitch.'' + +``Quick pitch?'' Codrin said. ``Aliens found our Dreamer Module signal and are going to upload a diplomatic party in a few weeks, and you were suggested as a good candidate for the talks.'' + +A few long seconds of quiet followed before Dear's partner laughed. ``Sorry Sarah. You see why I wanted you over here to have this conversation in person?'' + +``You're telling me, good Lord.'' She shook her head, folded her hands on the table, and smiled. ``Alright, now give me the longer pitch.'' + +``Alright. The Dreamer Module broadcast, in short, contained instructions on how to build a message that would work with our Ansible, allowing anyone who found it to upload to the LVs. A few nights ago, someone picked that up and answered.'' + +Ey slid the note from True Name across the table and waited for her to read. + +When she had finished, Sarah said, ``Whew, alright. That's a lot. So in however many hours, we should expect a team of five of them, and we'll send a team of five in turn. Any idea what we'll be talking about?'' + +``No clue. Clearly science of some sort, given their request for a scientist. Probably coming to an agreement, if they're asking for a recorder of some sort, though that's just a guess on my part. The ``We welcome you'' bit sounds promising, at least.'' + +She read through the note once more, set it down, and sipped at her coffee. ``Well, you already know that I'm in, but I'm happy to say that this doesn't change my decision. Why me, though?'' + +Dear's partner answered, ``Have you read the Bălans' \emph{History,} yet? \emph{An Expanded History of Our World?} I know I pointed you to it.'' + +``More than pointed,'' she said, laughing. ``You all but forced me to read it, so, yes.'' + +``So you know of True Name, right?'' + +``The one who tried to guide everything? Yeah, I remember. I didn't miss her name on there, either.'' + +Codrin sighed. ``I had the chance to interview her—me and my root instance both did—and she's a lot to deal with. I'm sure it's some calculated gesture that she leaves the last choice up to me, but all the same, I wanted to pick someone who could be a foil to her.'' + +``So you figured a therapist would be good? A psychologist?'' + +``Yeah, someone who can maybe understand the Artemisians better without doing so specifically to manipulate them.'' + +She held her coffee cup in her hands, tilting her head thoughtfully. ``You know, it's a good intuition, but you might also want to be prepared for there to be nothing I can offer. They're clearly similar enough to us that they can learn our language, but that may be where the similarities stop. They may be so alien to us that we might not be able to understand them at all, at least not truly.'' + +Codrin frowned. + +``Not that it's hopeless, of course. I'm still happy to help. Honored, even! Just an eventuality you might want to prepare for.'' + +``Well, maybe you can help us understand the Odists better, if nothing else.'' + +Dear kicked at eir shin beneath the table. + +Sarah laughed. ``Have they sent us anything to teach us their language?'' + +\emph{``One of their languages, perhaps,''} Dear chimed in. \emph{``There seem to be four different species.''} + +``One of them, right,'' she said. ``If we only sent them our \emph{lingua franca,} though, maybe they have similar.'' + +``I don't know, actually. Those are the messages I have, but I don't know if they're the only ones,'' Codrin said. ``We'll probably learn more tonight. You alright creating a long-running fork for the project? That's what she made Tycho do.'' + +``Oh, that's fine. It'll be my first time working on a big, organized project like this.'' + +Ey laughed. ``Same here. I've worked on big projects and organized projects, but not both at the same time.'' + +``I'll look forward to dinner, then.'' She looked down, plucked at her blouse, and shrugged. ``Think this is good enough for it?'' + +``If it's at Tycho's, it'll be too dark to tell, but I don't think he owns anything other than flannel shirts and jeans. You should be fine.'' + +``Alright. I'm curious to see what someone who tried to shape large swaths of recent history looks like.'' diff --git a/neviim/content/011.tex b/neviim/content/011.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6e655a0 --- /dev/null +++ b/neviim/content/011.tex @@ -0,0 +1,127 @@ +\hypertarget{tycho-braheartemis-2346}{% +\chapter{Tycho Brahe\#Artemis — 2346}\label{tycho-braheartemis-2346}} +\markboth{Tycho Brahe\#Artemis — 2346}{} + +\begin{center} +\emph{Convergence T-minus 22 days, 5 hours, 2 minutes} +\end{center} + +\noindent Despite the exhaustion that had come down on him like a hammer, Tycho found it difficult to get to sleep. It weighed him down like stones on his chest, even as he lay in bed in the room that True Name led him to. It was a comfortable bed in a nice enough room, and still he lay there in the dark, staring up at the ceiling with eyes that burned. + +He did not know how long it took him to actually fall asleep, but when next he woke, ten hours had passed, and dreams of Artemisians clung to him still. They were always just out of sight, and their conversations were just slightly below the level that he could hear them, and yet, he knew it to be them. Knew they were there, just around the corner. Knew that, above all else, he wanted to meet them. + +When laying in bed gained him no further insight from the dream, he climbed out, showered in the \emph{en suite}, and, when he was dressed, opened the door to find True Name waiting across the hall, two coffees in hand. + +``Do you feel more well-rested, Tycho?'' + +``I guess, yeah,'' he said, accepting the offered coffee. ``I hope I didn't sleep through too much.'' + +True Name began walking, letting him fall in step behind her. She laughed. ``Of course not, my dear. Nothing much that you need to worry about has happened in the last few hours. We have been working on information control and hunting down those willing to help with the effort for setting up the Ansible system to upload to Artemis. That is what you will be working on today, you and a passel of nerds. I think that is the collective term, at least.'' + +So out of place was the humor that it took him several silent steps and a sip of his coffee to relax from the adrenal rush of the statement. ``Well, if you say so. No further communications from them?'' + +``One, but I will not ungate it on you yet, as it is quite large. It is instructions for one of their languages. Secondrace's, apparently. I will ask you to learn some of it, enough to be polite, but both Why Ask Questions and Answers Will Not Help are working on that with more forks.'' + +Tycho quickstepped enough to fall in beside True Name as they made their way back to the central hub of the complex. ``That feels somewhat out of place to me.'' + +``How do you mean?'' + +``Well, if firstrace is there in a leadership capacity, why not send that language?'' + +The skunk shrugged. ``We do not know. They did not include any of that information in the message. It will be something that we can ask, whether prior to or at the conference.'' + +He nodded and looked out at the bustle of the room, as active as it was when he had arrived and when he had gone to sleep. He wondered if the various forks shifted their sleep schedule such that there were always True Names and Jonases at work. + +``So, uh\ldots what's on the schedule for today?'' + +True Name tilted her head momentarily, then nodded. ``You will be working with Answers Will Not Help and two others to help spin up the effort to work on getting the upload side of the Ansible working to their specifications.'' + +As if on command, Answers Will Not Help appeared before them, followed shortly by two others. Tycho supposed that the skunk must've sent each a sensorium ping. + +Answers Will Not Help grinned to him, then gestured to each of the new guests in turn. ``Sovanna Soun is a sys-side Ansible tech, who will be working on that part, and--'' + +Tycho was already leaning forward to shake the hand of the other guest, a slight gentleman who looked every one of the seventy years he had been prior to uploading. ``Dr.~Verda, wonderful to see you again.'' + +``Likewise, likewise.'' + +``You two know each other, then?'' + +Tycho nodded. ``Paolo was one of my professors, yes.'' + +``Well, what do you know,'' Answers Will Not Help said, laughing. ``Right, then. If the three of you will follow me?'' + +They made their way to a conference room where they sat around a long table, both True Name and Tycho still nursing their coffees. Answers Will Not Help pulled a wheeled whiteboard over and uncapped a marker, beginning to diagram on the board. + +``I will be managing the effort,'' she said, writing `AWNH' and circling it at the top. Two lines were drawn diagonally down from that. ``As mentioned, Ms.~Soun will be working on the Ansible software modifications. Dr.~Verda will be working on the math side required to have the Ansible track the ship as it moves. It was built to be mobile in case we did need to send or receive anyone from Lagrange in an emergency, but I am told that it was meant to require manual intervention.'' + +Tycho frowned. ``Two people working on all of that?'' + +``Two clades, yes.'' She continued to diagram on the board. ``As discussed, Ms.~Soun will begin with a clade of ten to work on the software, and Dr.~Verda will begin with a clade of two. Both can expand as needed. We need to ramp this up and complete the changes required within two weeks, so it is important that we be able to move quite quickly.'' + +``And what about me?'' + +Answers Will Not Help wrote his name next to hers, then drew connecting lines to all three names already on the board. ``You will be acting as Artemis consultant and manager. We will deliver all messages through you and you will pass on any information required bidirectionally. Due to your relative inexperience with forking, your specialized knowledge of our visitors, and a certain bold \emph{je ne sais quoi}, we will be keeping you at one fork for the time being.'' + +Dr.~Verda laughed. ``Bold? Our Jo-- er, Tycho?'' + +He felt a heat rise to his cheeks as Answers Will Not Help replied, ``He is the one who said yes to the Artemisians before we had the chance to do anything about it.'' + +Everyone looked at him. + +``Uh, sorry.'' + +``What the fuck, man?'' Sovanna said, laughing. ``So all this is your fault?'' + +Answers Will Not Help laughed as well, waving her hand. ``Do not be too mad at him. Or do, but do not tear into him too much. He has already received the Odist third degree.'' + +``I have?'' + +``True Name threatened you with death, did she not?'' + +Tycho froze. ``I\ldots what?'' + +The skunk grinned over the rim of her coffee cup. + +``Even the smart and bold may be denser than lead, I suppose.'' + +Sovanna laughed and patted him on the arm. ``Don't worry, Tycho. I was just giving you shit. No idea what Answers is talking about.'' + +Answers Will Not Help capped the pen and, with startling speed, threw it at Sovanna. It struck her in the shoulder, getting a yelp from the Ansible tech and making both Tycho and Dr.~Verda jump. The grin never left her face as she spoke, but her voice was frigid. ``You are not permitted to call me `Answers', Ms.~Soun. Understood?'' + +Eyes wide and hand holding onto her shoulder where the pen had struck, Sovanna sat, wide-eyed, and nodded. + +``Now, if there is no further need for third degrees, shall we begin?'' Her voice was back to its normal, joyous self with a surprising adroitness. Something about her seemed decidedly ungrounded. + +The three nodded together, silent. + +``Excellent. One moment, then.'' + +The three walls of the room that did not contain the door quickly expanded outward, leaving a broad, open room. Fourteen desks sprouted from the floor, divided into a group of ten and two groups of two. + +``Cubicle walls?'' + +When Sovanna shook her head and Dr.~Verda nodded, both pods of two sprouted cubicle walls around them, the pod of ten melding into shapely desks. With a final flourish of a bow, Answers Will Not Help welcomed them into the room. Above the pod of ten hung a sign that read `Ansible', and the two pods were labeled `Astro' and `Admin' in turn. + +It was all quite skillfully done, but Tycho still felt a slight pang in his chest. It was generally considered a violation of social norms for public sims to violate Euclidean space without warning, but private sims were beholden only to the holders of the ACLs. This room would occupy at least one office on either side, if not more. + +Quite unnerving. + +Answers Will Not Help spoke as she walked. ``Begin by estimating your work. We will meet in one hour. After that, we will meet twice a day; more often as needed. Please feel free to ping me if you need anything. I have granted you all access to cones of silence and music, which you may use at your discretion or when requested. Tycho, dear, with me.'' + +Sovanna forked as she walked, further instances of her blipping into existence beside her, each one walking up to claim a seat. It took Dr.~Verda longer to fork, but soon, there were two of him. + +Tycho simply followed his new boss to the admin pod. She gestured him to one of the cubicles while she took the other. Once they sat, the wall between the cubicles lowered itself and he found that their two desks faced each other. At a gesture, a cone of silence fell over them both. + +``Alright, Dr.~Brahe. I am going to grant you access to the language dump that they sent our way. I would like you to take a look at it over the next hour and see how easily you might be able to pick it up. From what it sounds like, they already have a good grasp on our \emph{lingua franca}, but in order to be polite, we ought to also work on learning one of theirs.'' + +He nodded. He could already feel the presence of that information lingering on the periphery of his memory. ``I'll give it a go. I've never learned another language but I guess there's a first time for everything.'' + +``Excellent, thank you. Again, you do not need to gain mastery over it. That will be my job. Why Ask Questions and I have several instances working on it already. If you find yourself in need of assistance, let me know and I will request a merger from them so that I can pick up what they have learned.'' She waved a hand and a few notepads spooled out of the air between them, along with several pens. ``I do not know your preference, but here are some materials for you. You are also welcome to create further copies if you need, and should you require anything more advanced, ping me and I will make it happen.'' + +He collected the notepads into a pile on his desk, setting the pile of pens next to them. Each was unique, probably to give him a variety to choose from. + +``Please also be prepared to set aside your work should the others request any further information from you. I believe Dr.~Verda would be the most likely, as you are not an Ansible tech, but one never knows, yes?'' + +``Alright,'' he said, jotting down on one of the nicer pads with one of the nicer pens a list of what he was to do. ``Language, be available. Anything else?'' + +``Nope, that is it. Your \#Tasker instance will be working on separate items.'' She waved a hand again and the cone of silence dropped as the cube wall once more raised up between them. Muffled on the other side, he heard, ``See you in an hour.'' diff --git a/neviim/content/012.tex b/neviim/content/012.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..3d9c8f2 --- /dev/null +++ b/neviim/content/012.tex @@ -0,0 +1,181 @@ +\hypertarget{codrin-bux103lan-2346}{% +\chapter{Codrin Bălan — 2346}} +\markboth{Codrin Bălan — 2346}{} + +\begin{center} +\emph{Convergence T-minus 20 days, 21 hours, 23 minutes} +\end{center} + +\noindent Codrin was not sure what ey expected out of a dinner in the middle of a clearing beneath the stars, but ey found emself quite taken with it. A round table had been set up atop the hill on which ey had interviewed Tycho so many years ago, along with six chairs evenly spaced around it. The whole table was lit by a single candle burning in the center and the starlight from above. + +True Name greeted eir party of three with a bow when they entered the sim. ``Mx.~Bălan, Dear, wonderful to see you two again. Ms.~Genet, a pleasure to meet you.'' + +The three bowed politely in turn. + +``Nice to meet you too, The Only Time I Know My True Name Is When I Dream,'' Sarah said. + +``Please, just True Name is fine, but welcome all the same. Shall we?'' + +\emph{``Please.''} Dear sounded its usual self, Codrin was pleased to note. No anxiety or anger colored its tone. While the dark was pleasant, ey wished for at least light enough to see Dear's expression. As far as ey knew, the fox hadn't seen the skunk in two decades, not since their Death Day party, and that amidst a crowd. Certainly not since the \emph{History} had come out. + +At the table, introductions were made. Tycho remained as nervous as he'd been before, but ey was happy to see that he had at least gotten some sleep at some point, and none of the exhaustion that had so visibly gnawed at him when last they spoke was evident. + +Why Ask Questions looked much as the Odists that resembled Michelle did, though far happier and more ebullient than any Codrin had met. She was, as Codrin\#Pollux had described her two decades previous, perilously friendly, comfortably casual, and a shithead. Ey liked her immensely. ``Delighted to meet you all. Codrin, nice to meet you face to face on this LV. And Dear, how long has it been?'' + +The fox grinned, nodded its head to her. \emph{``I believe nigh on sixty years. You are looking well.''} + +``As are you! Your other partner did not wish to join us?'' + +In the light of the candle, Codrin watched the fox's grin falter, and ey suspected that it was taking it a good amount of energy to maintain a pleasant façade for dinner. \emph{``They were not able to make it, no, but they send their best.''} + +They had not. + +The discussion veered perilously close to an argument when Dear stated that it would be joining Codrin. + +``Dear, you've had nothing positive to say about True Name basically ever. Why the hell are you going to this?'' they had asked toward the end. + +\emph{``Because I want to learn more if I can.''} It had paused, then added more quietly, \emph{``And because Codrin is going and I want to be by eir side, if only as a fork.''} + +Their partner had wilted and nodded. ``That, at least I can understand. I love you both, is all, and I'm not comfortable with either True Name or her up-tree instance. I want you to be careful, but I suppose you're right. Having the two of you there makes me feel a little better than it being just Codrin, at least.'' + +Ey shook away the lingering rumination and gratefully accepted a glass of wine that Dear offered. The skunk had been pouring one for everyone, and ey supposed that wine might help make the evening flow more smoothly. + +Once everyone had received their glass, she raised hers and said, ``To Artemis.'' + +They all raised their glasses in a toast, Dear adding, \emph{``To exciting times.''} + +Why Ask Questions laughed. ``How do you imagine user11824 will take all of this?'' + +\emph{``Horribly, of course. When do you plan on releasing the news?''} + +``Tomorrow,'' True Name answered. ``We will release a priority alert into the perisystem feeds. Answers Will Not Help is working on that now, I believe. I trust that none of you have told anyone else?'' + +Sarah and Tycho shook their heads. + +``Just my partners and Ioan,'' Codrin said. + +True Name frowned and there was a brief pause as, ey assumed, she sent off a sensorium message to another of her instances. ``Do you think that Ioan will tell anyone?'' + +Codrin shrugged. ``I didn't tell em to, but I didn't tell em not to, either. I imagine ey'll tell May Then My Name.'' + +The skunk sat silent, looking down to her glass of wine. Ey couldn't quite read the emotions on her face in the flickering of the candlelight, but given eir previous conversation about True Name losing her up-tree instance to hatred, ey could guess that there was at least some anxiety behind that silence. + +Eventually, she asked, ``When did you send the message? Was it eyes only?'' + +``It was, yeah. I sent it about noon. Why do you ask?'' + +``I would like to let my clade back on Lagrange know to either discuss this with em or to prepare for the possibility that ey will tell others. Five hours is not too long, though. As long as ey has not published anything to the perisystem feeds, of course.'' + +Ey frowned. ``Should I not have?'' + +``Oh, no, you were perfectly welcome to, Mx.~Bălan. While I do wish that you had informed me before doing so, I understand your reasons.'' Her expression brightened. ``But come, let us not talk about such at table. How are you all feeling about the upcoming adventure?'' + +``Scared,'' Tycho said with a nervous laugh. ``Excited, but also scared. I worry that I caused a huge problem. I know you promised me that what I did was okay, but all the same, I worry.'' + +True Name nodded. ``I understand. I harbor my own fears. We have to rely on the fact that all of the tests of the DMZ passed and that there really is no way for the border to be crossed. May Then My Name tested it quite thoroughly.'' + +``If you say so. From what Tycho\#Artemis sent me, it sounds like it'll be a trade, too.'' + +``A trade,'' Sarah said thoughtfully. ``Why, do you think?'' + +Why Ask Questions laughed. ``No clue. My personal guess is that it is a hedge, that they are wanting to meet on both vehicles so that we can see what their lives are like while they see what ours are like, but also it gives them a chance ensure that we still meet on territory that they control, just in case we decide to murder all of them when they arrive.'' + +``Is that something we're worried about, too?'' Tycho asked. + +``It was Tycho\#Artemis that brought it up in the first place,'' True Name said. + +He blinked, then shook his head. ``I've only heard from him via sensorium message. He hasn't merged back down yet.'' + +\emph{``I will never understand taskers,''} Dear said, giggling. \emph{``With apologies to present company, of course.''} + +Tycho looked nonplussed. + +Codrin grinned. ``Dear's an instance artist. Its entire existence is built around forking. If it did not fork, I'm sure it'd explode.'' + +\emph{``I would, yes, and you lot would have to clean it up.''} + +Everyone around the table laughed. + +True Name began to turn her gaze on Sarah, but Tycho interrupted her before she could speak. ``How sure are we that this is real?'' + +Silence, minus a pop from the candle flame in the center of the table. Codrin found emself holding eir breath. + +True Name's gaze bore down on Tycho with such intensity that the astronomer shied away from her. + +``I\ldots{}sorry.'' + +``Please expand on that, Dr.~Brahe.'' + +``I just mean\ldots{}how sure are we that this signal is real? How sure are we that it's coming from the Dreamer Module and thus outside of Castor?'' He shrugged, still looking cowed. ``I've been worried about the whole thing since it showed up, but the more I think about how long we've been going and all the risks involved with the LV's integrity, what's the probability that it's just us dreaming that there are aliens out there? They learn our language and tech so fast it's hard not to worry.'' + +The silence fell once more, and Codrin imagined True Name and Why Ask Questions both sending off rapid-fire sensorium messages. Ey caught a glint of excitement in Dear's eyes. Ey suspected it'd have plenty to say before long. + +``It is not zero,'' True Name said after nearly a minute. ``Low, yes, but it is not zero.'' + +``Does that--'' + +``There will be time, Dr.~Brahe. Please do not worry. The best and brightest are working on this.'' She raised her glass, and in the meager light, Codrin could see that confident smile return. ``Yourself included.'' + +Tycho nodded, lifting his wine glass an inch or so off the table in a token response to the toast. + +``How about you, Ms.~Genet?'' The skunk asked. She had, Codrin realized, read the silence as well as em, finding the perfect moment to guide the conversation back on track. ``Assuming that they are indeed real, how do you feel about our guests?'' + +Sarah set her wine glass down, looking up to the stars. ``I don't know if `curious' is an emotion, but that's at the forefront of my mind. I'm not feeling anxious or scared, and I guess I'm a little excited, but more than that I'm just feeling curious about the whole venture. Will they look like us or will they look like, uh\ldots Douglas, was it? Douglas Hadje? If we're to go visit them on Artemis, too, what will we look like? How will we talk? How will we empathize with each other?'' + +``You are a psychologist, yes?'' + +She nodded. ``Yes. I think that's why I'm so fixated on trying to learn as much as I can. I'm curious about what makes them \emph{them}.'' + +True Name smiled brightly and nodded. ``As am I. I am glad that you decided to join us on this. I think that having the perspective of someone both interested in and experienced with those aspects will prove eminently useful.'' + +``Glad you're having me along.'' + +``And Codrin? How are you feeling about this?'' + +Ey sat up straighter and thought for a moment. Ey was feeling quite a lot. Ey was feeling jerked around. Ey was feeling all too passive. Ey was excited. Ey was scared. Ey was still trying to process Tycho's question, wondering how ey would reply without thinking only of the implication that the Artemisians might be an artifact of the System going haywire. + +Ey was incredibly happy that Dear had decided to join em at dinner. + +Not all of those felt like things that ey could share, so ey settled for a safer answer. ``I'm feeling excited and nervous both. I'm excited because this is another unprecedented thing that I get the chance to see, and I'm nervous because that very unprecedented nature means that I have no foreknowledge to lean on. I'll be working in the dark as the\ldots what did they call it? Recorder?'' + +Dear reached over and took one of eir hands in its paw. \emph{``You have lived through several unprecedented events, my dear. How does this one differ?''} + +Ey fiddled with eir wine glass in eir free hand as ey thought. ``I think because I don't have a frame of reference for what to expect. Launch was exciting and unprecedented, but I also knew that life would continue on in many of the same ways that it had before afterwards. Winding up in a relationship was new and unprecedented, but I can still comprehend my partners as people.'' + +\emph{``Fox people.''} + +Ey grinned. ``That too, yeah.'' + +True Name raised her glass. ``I will drink to that, Mx.~Bălan. I will admit to feeling some of the same trepidation around not having a frame of reference. We are limited to a few letters and a language primer as yet. I do not know what to expect, and that is, as I am sure you can imagine, a somewhat frightening idea for one such as myself.'' + +Ey raised eir glass and smiled warily, returning the subtle squeeze that Dear gave eir hand. Ey was thankful for the dim light of the candle, which let em make out the features of the two Odists sitting across from em, but not a whole lot more; ey could only hope that the same was true for them. It was enough to make out True Name's charismatic confidence, if nothing else. Ey could certainly see what the skunk was doing, deftly avoiding the question of reality, keeping the conversation flowing smoothly, guiding and steering. + +``And you, Dear?'' Why Ask Questions asked. ``I know that you are not joining us, but I am interested in your thoughts all the same.'' + +The fox retrieved its paw from Codrin's hand, choosing instead to wave it up at the sky. \emph{``This is the first time that I have been to this sim. It is yours, is it not, Dr.~Brahe?''} + +The astronomer nodded. + +\emph{``It is truly a delightful place. I have stars in the sim where my partners and I live, but they are the familiar constellations that we remember from our time on Earth, though certainly more stars than I ever saw in the Central Corridor.''} + +``\emph{We} ever saw,'' True Name added. ``We got the moon, a few planets, and the brighter constellations.'' + +\emph{``Yes,''} Dear said with a hint of a bow. \emph{``This, however, is incredible. We are seeing the stars as if there were a glass dome over our heads. They do not twinkle. The constellations are not quite as I remember them. They feel older, somehow. We are sitting beneath the universe, it feels, and above us lies eternity.} + +\emph{``You must forgive me for monologuing, it is an old habit, but when I think about what is happening, when I hear about Artemisians and emissaries, I feel every minute of that eternity. I feel every molecule of that universe. You ask how I feel, and I would say that I feel small. Insignificant, even. We have been on our journey for twenty years and have made it only a light-month from Earth. How much of that eternity must they have been traveling?''} + +A thoughtful silence followed the fox's short speech. It was Sarah who finally broke it, lifting her glass much as True Name had. ``To eternity and the weight of the universe.'' + +Dear sat up and clapped its paws, grinning brightly. \emph{``I am pleased that you are going on this excursion, Ms.~Genet. What a perfect toast.''} + +They all laughed once again, raising their glasses toward the single flame in the center of the table. + +``I think that is a note to begin dinner on, yes?'' True Name said, waving her paw above the table, plates and flatware appearing, along with several dishes of various types. + +\emph{She must've talked Tycho into giving her some ACLs in his sim,} ey thought. \emph{Because of course she did.} + +``Please! Eat. Enjoy. I did not make it, but you may pretend I did if you would like to bolster my ego.'' + +The self-deprecating comment was delivered so easily that Codrin found emself laughing even before realizing it. + +``No more shop talk until dessert,'' Why Ask Questions added. ``Or I will have Tycho bounce you from the sim. There is lasagna, and I will not have you spoiling that.'' diff --git a/neviim/content/013.tex b/neviim/content/013.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..da9802d --- /dev/null +++ b/neviim/content/013.tex @@ -0,0 +1,123 @@ +\hypertarget{tycho-braheartemis-2346}{% +\chapter{Tycho Brahe\#Artemis — 2346}} +\markboth{Tycho Brahe\#Artemis — 2346}{} + +\begin{center} +\emph{Convergence T-minus 19 days, 6 hours, 58 minutes} +\end{center} + +\noindent The dream repeated each night. + +As always, the hallway continued however many miles dream-logic determined it must, and as before, he kept walking down it, kept walking and walking and walking, right hand always trailing along the wall. That wall was of smooth stone, something coarser than marble and smoother than concrete, and as he felt it play out beneath his fingers, he heard the voices ahead of him. + +There was a room, there ahead of him. He could see the light spilling into the comparatively dim hallway. Sunlight, cool and bright. He could see that the left-hand wall of the hallway continued. A corner, then, the hallway dumping him out into the southeast corner of the room. + +Southeast\ldots how did he know that? + +There on that wall, shadows played. Shadows of leaves, the arc of a fountain. + +And in that room, that soft rush of water only served to muffle the voices of so many others. They had to be the Artemisians. They had to be. But the water was just loud enough, added just enough white noise, that he could pick out no singular detail. There were fricatives. There were plosives. There were sibilants. + +And the harder he listened, the more details he almost-but-not-quite heard. First there was the sound of a masculine voice, and then the sound of something more feminine. First there was the careful modulation of some machine-produced voice, then the melodious tones of something undeniably organic. + +And he wasn't supposed to be there. He was supposed to be somewhere else. He wasn't allowed. He wasn't permitted. He was supposed to be somewhere different, not creeping along the unending right-hand wall of the hallway, straining to hear yet more detail from a group of incomprehensible others. + +And still he crept along. Still he strained to hear, still he stared at that wall, hoping for the barest glimpse of the smallest shadow, hoping to discern the shape of the unknown. + +And then a silence fell among the voices. + +And then he turned the corner. + +And then he was blinded by the sun. + +And then he awoke, the lights of the room staring down at him reprovingly. + +The dream always seemed determined to cling to him, as it had the day before and the day before that, and even as he showered and dressed, even after True Name once more met him at his door and handed him his coffee, he tried as hard as he could to remember even the smallest detail of those voices. + +``You seem distracted today,'' the skunk observed. ``Not just tired. What is on your mind?'' + +He jolted to awareness and smiled sheepishly to her. ``Uh, just a dream sticking with me from last night. Third night in a row I've dreamed about them.'' + +``The Artemisians?'' + +He nodded. ``It's like I can hear them talking, but not any details about them. I can hear \emph{that} they're talking, I guess. I keep trying to learn more and then I wake up.'' + +True Name smiled. ``I know the feeling, yes. It is that desire to know more, yet having it kept from you. Are you dreaming in their language or in English?'' + +``I can't even tell that. Sometimes I think it might be one and then some little phrase sounds like an accented version of the other. I wouldn't be surprised, though. I've been learning as much of that as I can during the day.'' + +``I imagine so, yes. Would you like a small break from language acquisition? If you are having dreams about them, perhaps you can come up with some specific questions and we can send them a message.'' She patted him on the arm. ``Time-boxed, of course, but it may give you a chance to come up with some ideas that we have not.'' + +``Really? You'd let me do that?'' + +She laughed, nodded. ``Of course, Tycho. You are always welcome to ask to do something other than what you are. We would request that you fork to do so. However, since this is not your area of expertise, I am sure that Answers Will Not Help will be willing to give you, say, two hours to work on something else if it will also serve to increase our knowledge of the situation. One moment, please.'' + +There was a moment of silence as True Name stood at the entrance to the central work area, sipping—or, well, lapping at—her coffee. After a moment, Answers Will Not Help showed up before her. + +``Morning, dear,'' she said. ``Everything alright?'' + +``Tycho would like to take a few hours to work on a message to the Artemisians. Are you alright with that?'' + +Answers Will Not Help laughed and nodded. ``Oh, by all means. We will get by without him for a bit. See you at lunch, Dr.~Brahe?'' + +He nodded. + +After a minute or two, another woman stepped into the sim, looking almost-but-not-quite identical to Answers Will Not Help. Perhaps a long-lived fork? The ebullience was toned down somewhat. Still the same grin—but kinder. Still the casual dress—but more of a weekend outfit. ``Tycho Brahe, yes? True Name says I will be helping you out on writing a letter.'' + +``Oh, uh,'' he frowned. ``I guess so. Answers Will Not Help?'' + +She waved her hand in a non-answer, instead beckoning him over to another door along the wall. ``Come on. Let us get this going. I am excited to hear what you come up with.'' + +True Name raised her coffee cup to him and smiled. ``Good luck, Tycho. Do keep in touch.'' + +The office was much smaller than the conference room where he'd initially met Sovanna and Dr.~Verda. They sat on opposite sides of a desk, where the Odist swiped two notepads and two pens into existence. ``Alright, so I have been told that you had a dream. Tell me about it.'' + +As he did, she jotted down details on her own notepads, occasionally asking him questions—do you remember what the air smelled like? Were there human voices as well? Why were you anxious about being found out?—and though it felt silly at first, he realized that she had teased out greater details of what it was that his dreaming mind was curious about. + +``Alright,'' she said. ``Let us come up with five questions out of this. They seem to like the number five.'' + +``Hmm\ldots{}if you think that we can do one paragraph per question, perhaps we can ask about whether there are common areas that have a \emph{lingua franca}, too. I think we have \emph{how often do the four races interact?} already.'' + +She shrugged as he wrote down the question. ``I do not see why not. We are not limited on bandwidth. I would also like to know if they have similar strategies of forking, if they even have such. As part of that, we can ask about clade structures and naming, given the implications of both Turun Ka and Turun Ko.'' + +He took a moment to write this down, as well as a few other sub-questions she mentioned along the way. + +``What else do you think would be helpful?'' + +``Well, there's lots I want to know, but since we only have so much time before the talks begin, I guess we should keep it relatively short.'' + +She nodded. + +``What about when each of the races joined? That would give us an idea of how long they've been traveling.'' + +``Good one.'' She grinned, tapping her pen against the table. ``I knew we kept you around for a reason.'' + +Had she said it in any other tone of voice, had all these Odists not been so good at choosing his responses for him, it could have easily come off as insulting, but it was said with such obvious affection that he laughed. Something about her was ever-so-slightly different from Answers Will Not Help, though he couldn't put his finger on what. She was more earnest, perhaps. More focused on making him feel good rather than only seeming always on the edge of laughter. Perhaps this was the Why Ask Questions who would be among the delegates, the one who had eaten with Tycho\#Tasker. + +And yet she'd not given her name, and so he was forced to consider the `long-lived fork' scenario. + +\emph{This is why I'm a tasker,} ey thought. \emph{I'll never understand clades.} + +``Should we also ask where they came from?'' she continued. + +He frowned. ``I don't know about that one. It can be a very involved answer until we share more knowledge, and who knows, maybe even touchy. Perhaps a separate set of questions for science down the line, since those will take them more time to come up with. Maybe we can come up with a list of questions to have them prepare answers for at the conference.'' + +``Oh! Wonderful idea!'' She paused, likely sending off a note to one of her cocladists. ``We will tackle that at a separate time. I agree with you, though, that keeping this to more cultural and social topics will help. We can offer similar in return. Let us ask about leisure activities, then. What kind of stories do they tell? How do they tell them? Is storytelling limited to certain individuals, or considered a skilled trade? Is there a concept of work to make leisure time important?'' + +Tycho scribbled the rapid fire questions down on the pad, nodding as he did. Once he was finished, he said, ``That got me thinking of another question, but I'm not sure how well it fits, so feel free to poke holes in it. How do you feel about asking if they dream?'' + +She laughed delightedly and clapped her hands. ``Oh, I absolutely love it, my dear. I only have one request of you.'' + +``Yes?'' + +``That must be the entire question. We can expand on the others with our little sub-questions and a paragraph of why we are asking them, but for this last one, it must be the only three words that they read pertaining to it. ``Do you dream?``\,'' + +He blinked, tilting his head. ``Are you sure?'' + +``Of course I fucking am,'' she said, grinning widely. ``I am the politician, you are the nerd. Now, let us hammer out some answers to these questions for ourselves that we can send. Answers to the first four, I mean. We will not answer `Do you dream?' for ourselves.'' + +Tycho stopped himself from asking why, realizing she would likely answer in the same way. ``Alright, then. This is fun, thanks for giving me the chance to work on it.'' + +``Of course, of course.'' She giggled, leaning across the table to ruffle his graying hair. ``You fucking taskers, you need breaks, too.'' + +He laughed, struggling to re-comb his hair with only his fingers, once more surprised at just how comfortable she made him feel. He liked her, whoever she was. diff --git a/neviim/content/014.tex b/neviim/content/014.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..a21f783 --- /dev/null +++ b/neviim/content/014.tex @@ -0,0 +1,112 @@ +\hypertarget{ioan-bux103lan-2346}{% +\chapter{Ioan Bălan — 2346}} +\markboth{Ioan Bălan — 2346}{} + +\begin{center} +\emph{Convergence T-plus 9 days, 4 hours, 48 minutes}\\ +\emph{(Castor--Lagrange transmission delay: 30 days, 14 hours, 36 minutes)} +\end{center} + +\noindent ``I never wanted this. I never wanted any of this!'' the skunk shouted, stamping her foot and jabbing her finger toward em. ``You talk about how much I mean to you, how much this place means, and then what? Nothing ever comes of it.'' + +``What the hell \emph{is} supposed to come of it?'' Ey stood quickly enough to knock the chair back onto the ground, all but lunging toward her. She stood easily a head shorter than em, but, having decided that this wasn't menacing enough, ey forked two times in quick succession, three of em advancing on her. + +Rather than quail under the threat or simply run away, she stood up straighter, arms crossed, her expression proud and defiant. ``Really? Are you \emph{really} sure that you need all this to make your point?'' + +Ey—all three of em—faltered in eir advance as the skunk continued. + +``I never, \emph{ever} should have stayed around here,'' she said, voice suddenly frigid. ``And I certainly never should have stayed with an asshole like you.'' + +With the slam of the door still ringing in the air, eir two forks quit as ey stumbled back to the chair, slowly righted it, sat down heavily, and buried eir face in eir hands. + +Ioan made sure to stay still even as the lights came down and the applause began, holding eir position all the way until the noise of the audience was muffled by the curtain. Ey finally sat back in the chair, stretching eir arms up and taking a few long breaths. + +A pair of soft, fur-covered arms draping over eir shoulders and an equally soft-furred cheek pressing against eir own brought em out of eir reverie, if reverie it was. Ey tilted eir head against her cheek and held her arms to eir front. + +``Hey asshole,'' the skunk said, echoing the epithet from a minute before. + +``Hi May.'' Ey grinned, turning eir head enough to get at least a sidelong glance at her. ``Well done on that `ever'. Thought you were going to punch me in the stomach or something.'' + +She nipped at eir shoulder, letting em feel sharp teeth even through the thick fabric of the costume, before standing up. ``That would be out of character, my dear. Both for my character and me. Might be fun sometime, though.'' + +They made their way backstage, letting the hands—several of whom were also them—deal with the scene change. Backstage, then back behind even that to their dressing room, where they were each able to get straightened up in front of the floor-to-ceiling mirror. + +As always, when coming face to face with emself in costume, the feeling of being someone else all but disappeared, and ey marveled at the fact that ey'd even let May talk em into this however many years ago. If there was one thing that ey was, it was a historian, right? It was a writer. An investigative journalist, right? Ey was in no way a stage actor, right? + +But the Ioan that stared back at em, one skinny almost to the point of gaunt, one with sallow skin and sunken eyes, one taller than usual, was proof of the opposite. It had taken em at least a year to really, truly master the art of forking over and over to carefully modify one's appearance. It felt counter to so many instincts, and even still, ey left a Ioan back home, unchanged from the view of emself that felt most at home, just to ensure that there remained some tie to that. May had chided em for this, but ey couldn't let go entirely. + +``I do not know why you decided to write a scene where I have to yell at you,'' the skunk said, bumping her shoulder against eirs. ``Love the story, hate the scene.'' + +``Hey, we've had our arguments.'' + +``Well, yes, but I do not like those, either, so that is not a point in its favor.'' She grinned, poked em in the side with a dull claw. ``And never during any of them have I yelled at you or called you an asshole.'' + +Ey laughed and reached up to tug at one of her ears. ``Well now's your--'' + +Ey froze. + +The longer ey held still like that, the deeper May's frown grew, the more her tail twitched this way and that in agitation. Still, she let the silence be and didn't touch em, unwilling to interrupt what must be a rather long sensorium message. + +Finally, ey sagged, rubbing eir hands over eir face. ``Uh, sorry. Can you send a fork back home? I'm going to have to try and push that out of mind for the time being, and I don't want both of us to be in that state.'' + +The skunk nodded and forked off a new May, then stepped from the sim. The remaining instance sighed and slipped her arms around eir middle. ``You cannot leave me totally in the dark, my dear, or I will be distracted worrying about something I do not know. Can you at least tell me something so that I do not lose my fucking mind?'' + +Ioan grinned and returned the hug, resting eir chin atop her head. ``Dreamer Module,'' ey mumbled. ``That enough for you?'' + +Back at the house, the root instance of Ioan was walking circles around the dining room table, `pacing holes in the rug' as May would say. + +Did say, it turned out, when she first entered. + +``Sorry.'' Ey pulled out a chair at the table and sat, but did so very carefully, deliberately trying to avoid simply wanting to get up and pace all the more. ``News from Castor.'' + +At that, her ears perked and she pulled out the chair beside em. ``Alright, spill it.'' + +``Someone picked up the signal from the Dreamer Module. They say they understand the bit about how to use the Ansible and an astronomer—Tycho Brahe, who Codrin interviewed—gave them permission to without thinking.'' + +The skunk frowned, sitting up straighter in her chair. ``So aliens are going to upload to Castor?'' + +``It sounded like they were forty days out from their closest approach. Codrin didn't know when exactly the upload window was.'' Ey frowned as ey picked apart the remaining bits of message. ``Apparently they've named the remote ship Artemis and the aliens Artemisians. That's about all I received, other than Tycho said `yes' and Codrin will be working with him on it.'' + +``I am assuming more will be coming soon, knowing you and Codrin.'' She doodled on the surface of the table with a blunt claw. ``I am also assuming that other Odists are not far behind in meddling. How long ago did this happen?'' + +Ioan squinted, then shrugged and just brushed eir hand along the table, a sheet of paper unrolling from nothing with the message itself written on it. Ey unlocked the clade-eyes-only ACLs and handed this to May, who read carefully. + +``So, thirty-ish days ago. Nothing we can do but wait for further messages. Anything we send back will be two months too late.'' She hesitated, set the paper down, and looked at em searchingly. ``What do you make of the second half, though?'' + +``I'm still trying to process that.'' + +``Do you not feel the same?'' She reached out a paw to take one of eir hands in her own. ``You got into theatre after all, did you not? You are not doing much in the way of history these days, other than the occasional paper. Did you really feel as though you had been sucked into all those projects with no input?'' + +Ey let her lace her fingers with eirs as ey thought. Words were a long time coming. ``A little, I suppose, but this bit about feeling a lack of agency is new to me. I don't know that I ever felt that strongly about being dragged along or anything.'' + +``Perhaps it is Dear.'' + +``How do you mean?'' + +She squeezed eir fingers between her own. ``I think the trio settled into a life of their own on Castor, but you know Dear. It is intensely focused on these big dramatic gestures. And before you say it, I am focused on drama, but rarely are my actions in life dramatic. I am happy with the life we have built. I am happy living with you and loving you and pushing you into writing increasingly weird plays.'' + +Ey laughed, lifting her paw to kiss her knuckles. ``Well, sure. You got me to settle down, I guess. I don't think Dear is capable of settling down that much, but its patterns are familiar. It will do as it does and drag others with it.'' + +``I hope you do not resent me for that,'' she said, tapping at eir chin with a finger. ``I do not get the impression that you are unhappy, my dear, but I occasionally worry that your life now is not entirely the one that you wished to build.'' + +``I have no idea. I don't think I had any real plans for building a life.'' Ey sighed. ``Which I guess is kind of where ey's coming from. Without direction, any influence feels like getting yanked around. I felt yanked around by True Name shoving you into my life, though I love you dearly now that you're here.'' + +May beamed happily at this, and ey was reminded of eir promise to emself to say that more often. + +``Do you think ey will be able to take greater control of eir life?'' she asked. ``You still occasionally get stuck, but I was surprised when you were the one who asked me how to write a script.'' + +``Well, only because you wouldn't shut up about how bad the one you had was.'' Ey rolled eir eyes. ``Skunks are so annoying. Ow!'' + +``If you call me annoying again, I will pinch you again. A third time will earn you a bite.'' She grinned, teeth sharp. ``All the same. I am glad that you are happy. I do wish we were closer to Castor, though, so that you and Codrin could have an actual conversation about this. You may not be able to respond much about the Artemisians, but perhaps you could explain some of your thoughts on agency.'' + +Ey nodded. ``I'll do that, yeah. Any suggestions?'' + +``Ey could ask \#Pollux,'' she said thoughtfully. ``Perhaps ey could do a grand gesture and surprise Dear. I have loved it every time that you have surprised me. I do not think that Codrin\#Castor has learned how to do that yet.'' + +``I'm not sure I know how to teach someone how to do grand gestures.'' + +She tugged at eir fingers. ``You have become a playwright and performer, my dear, do not sell yourself short. Besides, to hear Dear tell it, ey is not incapable. The name thing, of course. The surprise dinner a few years back. The forking stuff for its gallery show. Ey is just shy, perhaps.'' + +``It's a Bălan thing,'' ey said. + +``And it is our job as Odists to fuck with you until you break out of it. I have faith in em, just as I had faith in you.'' She slid the paper back across the table to em. ``You just need to pass that on.'' diff --git a/neviim/content/015.tex b/neviim/content/015.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..1b2ff71 --- /dev/null +++ b/neviim/content/015.tex @@ -0,0 +1,175 @@ +\hypertarget{codrin-bux103lan-2346}{% +\chapter{Codrin Bălan — 2346}} +\markboth{Codrin Bălan — 2346}{} + +\begin{center} +\emph{Convergence T-minus 19 days, 18 hours, 41 minutes} +\end{center} + +\noindent It was not at all surprising that dinner at home was far less stressful than dinner with the Odists out in Tycho's observatory. While the conversation throughout the meal had been nothing but pleasant, the food delightful, and the location and single candle a stunning setting for a dinner, a tension had nonetheless hung above the table throughout. While Sarah had appeared relaxed and True Name and Answers Will Not Help seemed to earnestly enjoy the evening, Tycho had been hovering on the edge of terror, Codrin had remained hypervigilant, and Dear had seemed to have put on a mask of pleasantness that involved choosing its words most carefully. + +This was confirmed when they returned home and the instance which had accompanied em to the dinner sagged, exhausted, and then quit. The instance of Dear which had remained behind, when confronted with the onslaught of memories, sighed and simply shook its head. None of the triad seemed at all interested in discussing the dinner. + +It was eir other partner who had suggested the smaller party for the next night. While they hadn't explicitly mentioned that it would be a counter to the first party, it was certainly implied. Something to cleanse palates, as well as to give further time for Codrin, Tycho, and Sarah to interact before they were to go on their journey. All three—four, including Dear—had immediately agreed. + +So it was that they sat around the table, there in the modern house on the prairie, sharing wine and desserts and pleasant, easy conversation. + +``So,'' Sarah said, leaning back in her chair. ``I was thinking about the fact that we seem to have wound up with jobs. Honest-to-goodness go-to-work-for-the-day jobs. What did you do before this? You all know that I was a therapist before I uploaded. I still am, I guess. Dear, you did theatre, right?'' + +The fox nodded. \emph{``Michelle was a high-school theatre teacher. I suppose you can see why it is that we are so dramatic.''} + +She laughed. ``Some things carry through even two hundred years later, I guess.'' + +\emph{``Nearly two hundred sixty, yes. I would complain about being old, but when one is functionally immortal, bitching loses its savor.''} + +``You bitch plenty, Dear,'' its partner said. + +\emph{``Yes, but how often do I bitch about my age?''} + +Codrin shrugged. ``You bitch about immortality a lot. Does that count?'' + +The fox smiled primly. \emph{``It does not, my love.''} + +Still laughing, Tycho said, ``It's probably no surprise that I was an astronomer on Earth as well.'' + +``How'd that even work?'' Sarah asked. ``When I was there, we could barely see any stars.'' + +``All space-based stuff. Besides, radio telescopes don't need quite so dark of skies. Amateur astronomers were the hardest hit. They had to drive way the hell up into the mountains, and even then, wait for winter when logging season was over. I taught, too, and a few classes were out there. I volunteered at a dark-sky site.'' + +``That makes your sim make a lot more sense.'' + +He nodded proudly. ``The landscape is based off one of those sites.'' + +Eyes turned to Codrin, who shrugged. ``I went to school, then a year of a history degree at university before I uploaded at twenty to help my little brother out after my parents died. I never really had a job, just interests that got all the stronger once I got here.'' + +\emph{``Had you needed to get a job while down there, what would it have been?''} Dear asked. \emph{``I have a guess, but I want to see how close I am.''} + +Codrin picked up eir glass and leaned back against eir chair, thinking. ``I wanted to be a librarian quite badly. History was a secondary interest. I planned on getting a bachelor's in something like history or literature and then a master's degree in library science.'' + +Dear tilted its head. \emph{``I was close on the bachelor's but was not expecting the master's. What drew you to that?''} + +``Books.'' + +Eir partners both laughed. + +``What other answer could I possibly give?'' ey said, grinning. ``I like books. I like knowledge. I like having it all collected in one place, even if books were falling out of fashion back when I was phys-side.'' + +\emph{``A horrible shame. I do not have the same attraction to them that you do, my dear, but they are still delightful.''} + +``You take it to almost a fetishistic level, Codruț,'' eir other partner said, the playful, diminutive form of eir name adding another layer of teasing. ``For which we love you, of course.'' + +Ey rolled eir eyes. ``Domestic abuse, I say. Let me turn it back on you, though, what did you do?'' + +They heaved a deep sigh. ``Line cook at a diner.'' + +``Is that why you're so into cooking?'' + +``Basically, yeah. I wanted to be a chef, but you kind of need to start at the bottom and work your way up. I just gave up on actually doing that and uploaded instead.'' + +``I had a similar job in school, actually.'' Tycho said. ``Nothing fancy but I--'' + +He trailed off, staring up into space with a blank expression, then shook his head. ``Uh, how willing are you all to talk about the Artemisians?'' + +Shrugs all around. + +``Uh, sorry,'' he said, pausing a moment longer, and then sat up straighter when a few folded sheets of notebook paper slid down to the table in front of him, neatly missing both wine and half-eaten tiramisu. ``Tycho\#Artemis sent a list of questions to the Artemisians today. I think they weren't expecting the reply to come for a day or two, but it showed up after only five minutes, minus transit. Weird\ldots{}'' + +\emph{``What sort of questions are we talking about?''} + +``Social and cultural, it looks like. Nothing really scientific. Want me to go through them?'' + +They all nodded. + +``Alright. He asked when each of the races joined and the answer sounds complicated. It looks like about a thousand years or so between each.'' + +``So they started about four thousand years ago?'' + +He looked up to the ceiling as he calculated. ``There are specific numbers. They add up to\ldots five thousand, three hundred twelve years ago. Thing is, I'm not sure if that takes relativity into account. From our perspective, that could be a much larger number.'' + +``Holy shit,'' Dear's partner said. ``Think they're batty?'' + +Dear laughed. \emph{``It depends on how sane they were before they started and how their system is structured. Probably, though.''} + +``Well, I guess we'll find out soon enough. Let's see\ldots there were a few questions about how the races interact. It sounds like they have several common areas available, but there are still enclaves of the different races that mostly keep to themselves. Apparently most speak a form of secondrace's primary language because firstrace was\ldots uh, hmm. They say electronic. I'm not sure what that means. Maybe they were robots of some sort? AIs? They didn't need to talk with words. All races except firstrace still have several different languages of their own which they speak at home and in their own sims.'' + +Codrin nodded. Ey had summoned a pen and notebook and was already taking notes. ``Will they be teaching us any of them?'' + +``He said he's already learning the secondrace language. Maybe you should, too.'' + +Ey scribbled down a note to emself to ping True Name for access. + +Sarah was leaning forward on her elbows, looking particularly interested. ``I would like to as well. One can learn an awful lot about a person or group based on the language they speak.'' + +Codrin amended the note to include her name. ``I'll have True Name send it our way.'' + +Tycho shrugged. ``I'm not going to bother. If \#Artemis is able to merge back, I'll pick it up then. I'll make sure he does it before he leaves.'' + +``Good idea, yeah. The more who speak it the better, just to be safe.'' + +``Alright. Next set of questions were about forking.'' + +There were a few blips of other foxes behind Dear, startling Tycho. + +\emph{``Apologies, Tycho,''} it said, grinning widely, tail whipping about behind it. \emph{``I may not be joining directly in the endeavor, but I am intensely curious to hear about this.''} + +``Well, alright. I hate to disappoint, but it sounds like the only times they fork are in an emergency or during a contact like this—`convergence', they call it. They have to petition some sort of central leadership called, of all things, the Council of Eight, which sounds like two representatives from each race, to create any long-running forks.'' + +The fox flinched back as though slapped, its ears laid flat and its brow furrowed. + +``They provided additional information, though. They say that fourthrace had the same concept of forking that we appear to, so they understand our questions around dissolution strategies and clade structures. \#Artemis also asked about their naming system, and apparently Turun Ka and Turun Ko are from something akin to a clade that existed before the voyage began. Something from when they were electronic but not on their system. + +``Instead of forking, they have individual, fine-grained control over time. This is how they responded so quickly, apparently: they slowed time way down so that they had as much as they wanted to write their response. They ask if this will be accommodated during the talks and there's a note from True Name here saying that, even if it were possible, she would answer no. Tycho said she looked upset.'' + +\emph{``Unpleasant business,''} Dear muttered darkly. \emph{``Unpleasant to an extreme.''} + +``Well, what's the next question, then?'' Codrin asked. Whether it was the mention of the Council of Eight or the news about forking, ey couldn't guess, but the fox was clearly upset as well. ``Perhaps we can move away from this one.'' + +``Next, they asked about leisure activities. It sounds like they're fairly similar to us in that very few people have actual jobs, but several have what they call `intensive leisure activities, such as scientist or author'. He asked if they have stories and if so, what kind, and their answer goes on quite extensively.'' + +Codrin scribbled hastily to take down the question. ``Can you ensure that I get a copy of the responses, too?'' + +``Perhaps we all should get a copy,'' Sarah suggested. ``I'm curious about the language bits and this thing about stories.'' + +\emph{``As am I. If True Name allows, I will ask for a copy as well.''} + +``Me too,'' its partner said. + +``Can you give us an overview of their answers?'' Codrin asked. + +``Sure,'' Tycho said slowly, skimming through the rest of the page and onto the next. ``They say that stories are of the utmost importance to all races, that there is no limitation what kind, or who may tell them, but that, quote, `of the occupations that many hold, that of storyteller is the one held in highest regard'.'' + +Dear brightened considerably. \emph{``I will forgive them their atrocious naming choice for their leadership, then. They do sound interesting aside from that.''} + +``I'll admit to being mostly confused about it, or at least more focused on the astronomers they have on board, but it's all still interesting.'' He flipped over to the last page and frowned. He sat silent for several seconds as he stared at the paper, as though willing further meaning to rise from it. ``I'll quote the last bit in its entirety. \#Artemis asked, `Do you dream?' There's no further questions or explanation.'' + +Dear rolled its eyes. \emph{``How very us. I bet Why Ask Questions suggested that.''} + +If Sarah had been interested before, she was nearly staring holes into Tycho now. ``What was their answer?'' + +``\,`You have asked the correct question. We are eager to meet you.' Verbatim. That's it.'' + +A silence fell over the table while they digested this, each in their own way. + +Codrin sipped eir wine while ey thought. \emph{The correct question} made it sound as though they had reached some sort of milestone, perhaps, especially when taken with \emph{we are eager to meet you.} It made it sound as though humanity had completed a mission by asking that. + +And yet, there wasn't an answer to the question given, if Tycho was right about the message. They didn't say yes or no, they didn't say what about. They simply seemed to be smiling through the page, and ey couldn't tell whether that smile was one of satisfaction, encouragement, or pride. + +It was Dear who broke the long silence. \emph{``Is there anything else to the message?''} + +Tycho shook his head. ``Nothing from the Artemisians, no, but \#Artemis has added a note here that he asked that because he's been dreaming about them every night.'' He paused for a moment before adding, ``I have too. The dreams aren't like the ones he describes, but just this feeling that someone is coming and that it will be this momentous thing and we have to be as ready as we can be.'' + +Sarah nodded. ``There's no real interpretation to dreams other than they can reflect some of what you were thinking during the day. It sounds like you're both quite focused on it. Anxious, perhaps.'' + +Tycho nodded eagerly in agreement. + +``Very much so,'' Codrin said. ``I had a dream about them last night, too. It was just this vague idea that I knew they were coming and that I needed to be observant.'' + +``That makes sense, given your role,'' she said. ``I haven't been remembering my dreams since we got the news. I don't think I've been sleeping very well.'' + +\emph{``Even for me, who will not be joining, it very much all feels like a dream,''} Dear said. \emph{``The whole thing does.''} + +After their guests had left and the trio sat down on the couch for a bit before bed, Dear dotted its nose against Codrin's cheek. \emph{``My dear, I do not want to talk about it now, but I have something to tell you about this business with time modulation that may prove useful to you.''} + +Ey nodded, feeling the fox's nose tip still lingering near eir cheek. ``I'll look forward to it, Dear. At your own pace.'' + +\emph{``It is nothing bad. Just stressful, and I do not yet know how to put it into words. I will say that this will impact all Odists in approximately the same way, though, which is why you should know if there are to be two of them joining you.''} diff --git a/neviim/content/016.tex b/neviim/content/016.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..35d17d4 --- /dev/null +++ b/neviim/content/016.tex @@ -0,0 +1,151 @@ +\hypertarget{tycho-braheartemis-2346}{% +\chapter{Tycho Brahe\#Artemis — 2346}} +\markboth{Tycho Brahe\#Artemis — 2346}{} + +\begin{center} +\emph{Convergence T-minus 19 days, 4 hours, 33 minutes} +\end{center} + +\noindent The sight of the dissemination of the news of Artemis was beautiful in much the same way that a ballet was. This was, he supposed, largely due to the well-coordinated dance of both messages flying to and fro and countless Odists and Jonases moving back and forth in the largest of the conference rooms he'd seen yet. + +He knew that there were sims where one could fly. Flying, after all, fit well within the realm of something that any number of people could consensually imagine together. They held a perennial appeal for a certain type of person, of which he was not. A fear of heights combined with a certain neurotic work ethic led him to stay away from those sims in general. If it was fun and not also productive, he felt little need to engage. It may have been unhealthy, it may not have been, but he had never stuck around anyone long enough to hear either way. + +Now, however, he could see the utility. + +A whiteboard had sprouted up from the floor, beginning at waist height for the shorter Odists and extending up by now a storey and a half. Panels on it showed the news feeds and commentaries piped in through the perisystem architecture, that foam of conceptual computer-stuff that tied all of the sims together and allowed cross-sim communications. + +Even now, as more news flowed into the board, it would pop up from the bottom and the whiteboard would inch ever higher. + +And standing before it, whether they were standing on the ground or however many meters above it, Odists and Jonases worked, tagging each of the feeds with arcane symbols, drawing lines from one to the other, conversing in small knots, popping into existence and quitting as needed. + +This involved none of the graceful floating that ey had seen before on eir excursions to sims whose owners allowed such. They were not drifting about on the breeze, they were simply standing on something that was not there. If they needed to move to another level, they would just walk as though on a ramp or step up as though on a ladder. It was productive movement at its very core, and it immediately appealed to him but for the height. + +The Odists were not tall. Every time he was near, Tycho felt that he dwarfed them. He could easily have rested his chin atop True Name's head without lifting it at all. ``You, who have your head in the clouds and feet on the ground,'' he remembered her having said about the Bălans, and the phrase had stuck with him. His feet were a steel-toed anchor, and though he towered above the others, he could never name the feeling of being that much closer to his beloved stars. + +And yet here he was; Tycho Brahe, terrified of heights. + +``What am I watching?'' he asked Answers Will Not Help beside him. + +She nodded toward the board and the quiet, purposeful bustle of activity before it. ``We have released the news about the Artemisians out into the feeds. You are watching the observation and shaping process.'' + +He stood up straighter, fixing his posture as though that would quell second-hand vertigo. ``How did you do it? How are you doing it?'' + +She laughed. ``Come. I will show you. We will need to go to the top. It is like walking up stairs, do not worry. Just will the step into being.'' + +``Uh, the top?'' He furrowed his brow. ``What happens if I fall?'' + +``You will probably die,'' she said, shrugging. + +He stumbled back from her. ``What the fuck?'' + +``I am kidding, Tycho Brahe.'' She laughed, sounding giddy. ``You will fall onto whatever level you are currently on. You are, what, 190 centimeters? 195? That is not too far a fall.'' + +Still frowning, he lifted a foot, imagined there to be a step and set it down, landing about ten centimeters above the floor. He brought the other foot up to join it and then looked down, windmilling his arms for balance. ``J-Jesus\ldots{}'' + +``Fucking nerd,'' Answers Will Not Help said, laughing. ``Come on, it is not too bad. Try to take bigger steps, too, or it will take forever to reach the top.'' + +She stepped as though she were taking stairs two at a time, and within a handful of bounding steps, had reached the top of the board. She gestured at the five topmost panels. + +Deciding that he wasn't brave enough for the leaps and bounds, he simply looked straight ahead and began walking as though up a staircase. It was dizzy-making, and he had to gulp for air a few times to ensure that he was still grounded, such as it were. + +``Look to the side, as though you are looking over a banister, perhaps,'' she called. Several of the Jonases and Odists were watching now, and they laughed at the remark. + +Despite the heat burning in his cheeks, Answers Will Not Help's suggestion helped a good deal, and he was able to complete the rest of the journey quickly enough, though by now, the top of the board was easily two storeys up. + +``Took you long enough, nerd.'' She elbowed him in the side, grinning. + +``Is that just my name now?'' + +``Might as fucking well be.'' She walked over to one of the panels of news feed. This was labeled \emph{Science} beneath, and seemed to head up a column of related material that continued down to the ground. ``Let us just start here.'' + +Studiously avoiding looking down, he read the contents of the panel. + +\begin{quote} +On systime 227+52 at 2328, the Dreamer Module on Castor received a structured message from an external source, alerting scientists and perisystem technicians to a fast-moving artificial construct. The message, which follows, suggested that the entity or entities at the other end of the signal understood the instructions for utilizing the Ansible receiver, provided trajectory information, and asked for consent to upload. Consent was granted two minutes and thirteen seconds later by a member of the astronomical community. Further messages have been exchanged, and talks are underway for an exchange of emissaries. +\end{quote} + +The message was published by none other than Sovanna Soun. + +\emph{A member of the astronomical community} was a much better way to describe him than he suspected the Odists might otherwise. + +He walked to the next panel over and read. + +\begin{quote} +\textbf{Credible sources} announce that ALIENS have discovered our LV and are ON THEIR WAY TO GREET US. The \emph{Powers That Be} could not be reached for comment. In order to prepare for an invasion, all sim owners should \emph{lock down} ACLs for their sims and \textbf{interrogate} ALL visitors! +\end{quote} + +He laughed. ``Did you write this one?'' + +``Oh, no. We have some of our pet propagandists write much of them.'' + +The next two feeds seemed to be fairly credible news sources. Boring and straight-forward announcements regurgitating the scientific report in lay terms. + +The final panel contained simply the first two messages that had been received followed by \texttt{Leaked\ anonymously\ ;)} + +``That one \emph{was} my doing,'' Answers Will Not Help admitted, grinning. ``I thought it particularly cheeky.'' + +``I guess it is, at that.'' He rested a hand against the whiteboard—blessedly stable—and looked down carefully. ``So what's happening beneath us?'' + +``We are tracking the dissemination of the news. We follow each of the sources to see where it is being quoted and referenced. There is some delicious perisystem tech going on there that I will not bore you with.'' + +``And you're just watching?'' + +She gave him a pitying look. + +``Right.'' He sighed. ``Can I see?'' + +She shrugged. ``Sure. Step down the same way.'' + +Still leaning against the whiteboard, he stepped down a meter or so to the next row of panels. Below the `leaked' documents, he read a spray of conspiracy theory rambles. Next to each were long scribbled notes, mostly in a shorthand he couldn't untangle. + +``What are the green-tinted ones?'' + +``Shaping.'' Answers Will Not Help nodded to one. ``That is one that I wrote. When I say that we have been shaping the response, this is what I mean. We have simply been participating. We are not doing anything crazy here.'' + +He leaned closer to read. + +\begin{quote} +Listen, I don't think it's unreasonable to find this all hopeful. Like, seriously? Aliens! How cool is that? We've all had our dreams (or nightmares!) about them over the years, right? By virtue of us being on a hunk of computronium hurtling through space, it's kind of at the forefront of our minds, isn't it? + +All I'm saying is that we gotta be at least a little bit careful. There's this DMZ that everyone keeps talking about, but what I don't understand is just how it works. Like, okay, it's a set of sims that one can't get in and out of? How the hell is that supposed to work? They (Artemisians???) can upload there, but what does that even buy them? A way to take up space? + +I think I'd feel a whole lot better about this whole thing if there was more clarity, is all. I'm a bit behind because holy shit this is all coming fast, but do we have any Ansible/perisystem nerds on this feed? Help me out! Explain this to me like I'm stupid. It's true enough, after all. +\end{quote} + +From this panel, several branching replies headed down the board, and alongside each, further notes from the Odists and Jonases. He picked one at random and read that next, though in the time he had taken, the board had continued to creep upward. + +\begin{quote} +I don't think any one person knows how the perisystem works, and the DMZ just adds a layer of complexity on top of that, so don't feel like you're stupid. I've been a perisystem tech for 130 years and it took me three forks just to get caught up on this. + +You can think of the DMZ in two ways. One would be to think of it like a separate System. It works exactly like the one we're on. Sims, forking, ACLs, all that. Just like how the LV Systems are like separate Systems from the Lagrange System, though, we all had to upload using an Ansible connection. That is how the border between the LV system and the DMZ works. You basically have to go through something like a software Ansible to get in and out, and just like the real Ansible, there's a bunch of security in place so that there can't be any pirate signals. + +The other way to think of it is like the lungs and the whole LV as a body. The DMZ can expand to take in more individuals (can't say people anymore if we're going to be letting Artemisians on board), but it can't expand beyond the capacity of the LV System itself, nor, indeed, beyond some pre-determined limits. In this metaphor, the individuals entering it are the air, and the pre-determined limit is the chest cavity. + +This is how we keep the rest of the System from getting `contaminated', which I've heard brought up before, and those limits are in place to keep the DMZ from driving up the cost of forking on the rest of the System should it expand much further. I had to dig super deep for this—no clue why it was buried—but the DMZ will have its own, separate reputation market to manage this, since it'll be a different size, but just like how currencies phys-side affected each other, with inflation and deflation, we'll probably see some fluctuations in the markets here, but I wouldn't expect anything too bad. + +Anyway, hope that helps! +\end{quote} + +He nodded toward the panel he had just finished reading. ``So you injected a question you probably already knew the answer to and some tech answered it to help make everyone feel better?'' + +``Better is not quite the right word. Calmer, perhaps. There is an appropriate balance between happiness and anxiety that we want to strike.'' + +Tycho frowned. ``I never got that about the \emph{History}.'' + +``We do not want people to be too happy because unlimited happiness is a happiness with no defense mechanisms.'' She poked him sharply in the side with a finger, making him wince and jerk his arm to guard himself better. ``A purely happy society would feel that pain as agony and be unable to do anything about it.'' She moved to jab him again, so he shifted his arm down quickly to cover his side. ``A society that is just anxious enough can enjoy security but also guard itself from further pain. It can be happy but also wish for more happiness.'' + +Rubbing at his side, he began to step down away from the scrolling wall of information. ``If you say so. I don't see why it wouldn't be self-regulating, though.'' + +Answers Will Not Help fell into step beside him. ``It might, sure, but there is no guarantee in the face of immortality. We are just the safety mechanism, the limiting factor.'' + +``You just keep it from swinging too far one way or the other, you mean.'' + +``I knew you were a nerd,'' she said, laughing. ``Got it in one.'' + +``How do you decide what the limits are, then?'' + +``Data analysis.'' She gestured back to the board. ``Predictive models. Countless simulations. We do not steer in any one particular direction, we simply provide the bumpers around the extremes.'' + +He breathed a sigh of relief when his feet touched the ground again—the real, visible ground—then turned around to look at the board stretching upwards. He didn't believe that they didn't steer the system. Even if they didn't do so consciously, there was no guarantee that they weren't imposing their own ideas and ethics on everything around them. + +He declined to mention this, however. The last thing he wanted was another poke in the side. diff --git a/neviim/content/017.tex b/neviim/content/017.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..fe21e66 --- /dev/null +++ b/neviim/content/017.tex @@ -0,0 +1,177 @@ +\hypertarget{codrin-bux103lan-2346}{% +\chapter{Codrin Bălan — 2346}} +\markboth{Codrin Bălan — 2346}{} + +\begin{center} +\emph{Convergence T-minus 5 days, 0 hours, 51 minutes} +\end{center} + +\noindent Late spring was for picnics. This was, ey was assured, a universal truth. + +Once the rains had calmed down and before the oppressive heat began to drift lazily in, this was the time for those who are in love to drag a thick blanket out onto the prairie, park next to one of Codrin's cairns, and share sandwiches and fizzy drinks. This was the time for parking in the sun, laying back on the blanket, heads together and feet radiating outwards, sharing in small silences and comfortable conversation. + +\emph{``There is no reason that aliens should interrupt this,''} Dear had stated plainly and then dragged its partner off to the kitchen to make sandwiches and bottle up gins and tonic to bring out to the prairie. + +All the same, this picnic was more muted than usual, and when they settled onto their backs, Dear's ears tickling the tops of their heads, the conversation felt careful, as though all words should veer around the topic that was on everyone's minds. + +A bit more than two weeks after first contact, and the entire LV seemed to be talking about nothing else. Dear had even postponed the opening to its new show. News from Tycho was that, from day one, the Odists had been working on and shaping the spread of information. + +Codrin suspected that this had come when it did in part due to the transmission delay from Lagrange, and, given what ey expected would happen with Ioan and May Then My Name, ey did not doubt that this tight control was for good reason—or at least what True Name considered good reason. + +Ey had kept that thought to emself. + +Ey expected True Name would be visiting eir down-tree instance and eir partner before long. Ey had suspected she would do as much as soon as ey had read anxiety in her expression at the mention of May Then My Name. She had surely sent a message back to Lagrange within seconds of em telling her such. + +It was the reaction that ey was most worried about. True Name was a touchy topic with Dear, and the cold hatred of one of its cocladists was\ldots well, ey could read melancholy in the fennec's face as easily as any other emotion. Ever since news of May Then My Name's thoughts on her down-tree instance had made their way across the light-days of distance, there had been more of that. There had been days of silence, days of tears, days of walking the prairie for hours at a time. When pressed, it would simply say, \emph{``She is the best of us.''} + +Ey suspected that it was worried that cracks were showing across the clade. Ioan had admitted to having such concerns as well, and even mentioned that May Then My Name herself seemed to be harboring fears. ``If Dear overflows with undirected energy,'' Ioan had written once, years ago. ``Then May overflows with tears. It's the only time she ever asks to be alone, and I will go stay with Douglas. I make a lot of chicken soup for her to have something comforting, though I'm not sure how much it helps. She will spend hours in bed, letting out all of the overwhelming emotion that she needs to in order to become whole again. I love her deeply, but I'm sure you must know the pain of watching someone you love going through something like that.'' + +That had been another thought ey had kept to emself. + +The worry lay not in how May Then My Name might react—though Ioan had always mentioned when ey was laying in supplies for chicken soup—but in how True Name would. May Then My Name may be the best of the clade, or at least the best of that stanza, and even True Name knew that. + +So today, they mostly lay in silence. It was not unpleasant, for the sun was on high and the temperature was perfect and ey could simply lay there with those ey loved. + +It was Dear, of all of them, who broke the silence. + +\emph{``I have been thinking about something that Sarah said.''} It sounded content enough, which Codrin was pleased to hear. \emph{``She said that we should prepared to not be able to understand them for their inhumanity.''} + +``What about it?'' their partner murmured. More than content, they sounded sleepy. + +\emph{``There is much we can learn about semiotics from them. We have the ability to guess, but vanishingly few chances to check. If they are truly alien from us, we may be able to confirm many hypotheses that we have had for centuries by now about how a different mind can form and hold ideas.''} + +``Different environment, different \emph{Umwelt}, you mean?'' ey asked. + +\emph{``No no, that term applies to those who exist within the same environment. Our environments up until now have not even been connected. We have completely different semiospheres, do we not? We cannot even make assumptions about how they form their ideas, how their semiosis works, at least not at first. It could be that there are key differences in how they are able to take in information and make meaning of it.''} + +``New senses?'' + +Ey could feel it shrug against the picnic blanket before it said, \emph{``Perhaps. Perhaps they can sense radio waves, or perhaps, as suggested by their letter, they can sense time in some new way if they have fine-tuned control over how they experience it.''} + +``Don't we have forking and merging?'' its partner asked. ``Aren't those new senses? Or at least sensations?'' + +\emph{``In a way, I suppose, but we can learn them. They are tied to will, as one wills a fork to exist, and they are tied to memory, as one deals with the merger as though one is remembering the fork's experiences.''} + +Ey could feel the idea click into place. ``But we may not even be able to experience that in the same way as them. We may learn it in a fundamentally different way. Maybe we won't even be able to take part in it because we ourselves may be fundamentally different.'' + +Dear sat up quickly, laughing. \emph{``Yes, precisely! What an interesting problem. I am excited to see what all we learn.''} + +The other two sat up. Codrin was not at all surprised to see the grin on the fox's face. + +\emph{``This is, of course, all supposing that they really exist.''} + +Their partner laughed. ``Is this in doubt or something?'' + +``Tycho said something at the first dinner, yeah,'' Codrin said. ``He asked if there was a chance that they weren't real and that we might actually be dreaming the whole thing up.'' + +``Wouldn't that take an awful lot of dreaming to accomplish? Dream the incoming signal, dream our\ldots{]uh, instruments, I guess, tracking Artemis, dream up this whole thing about races and such?'' + +Dear shrugged. It looked quite pleased. \emph{``Perhaps, but is that not an internally consistent dream? A dreaming mind that starts with the proposition of aliens and enough knowledge of our little world would be able to construct a consistent narrative to get us to where we are, and that is all that the System demands. The Dreamer Module, the micro-Ansible, the DMZ, all of it bears the seeds of consistency.''} Its grin widened, the volume of its voice rising. \emph{``Or perhaps the System aboard Castor is losing coherency! Perhaps our world is falling down around our ears and we would never know!''} + +Codrin laughed, watching the fox get more and more animated. ``I'm pretty sure we'd know whether Castor is failing or not.'' + +\emph{``Do not be so sure about that, my love. We have very little insight into the world outside of the LV.''} + +``I'm pretty sure we have at least some,'' eir other partner said. ``Even if it's just by way of our communications with Lagrange and Pollux.'' + +\emph{``Yet even that may be a dream!''} Dear giggled. \emph{``You see why this is interesting to me, though, yes? If Artemis is real, then we gain new insights into semiosis. If it is not, I get my beloved natural death.''} + +Ey rolled eir eyes and shook eir head. ``Foxes.'' + +\emph{``You love me and you know it.''} + +``Well, I mean, yes, but that was never in doubt.'' Ey leaned back on eir palms. ``Either way, I hope that they're real. That feels like the better scenario to me.'' + +\emph{``Boring.''} + +``Hush, you,'' their partner said, poking at the fox's thigh. + +\emph{``Both of you. Boring, boring, boring.''} It laughed. \emph{``But I admit that I hope that they are real, as well. I am more excited about the semiotics of aliens than the idea that Castor is failing. For instance, there is much we can learn about them from their language, I expect. I am no linguist, but how they describe their control over time, should they choose to do so, will provide much insight into the ways something that is not us perceives and interacts with their world around them. They may process signs—signs in the semiotic sense—in a very different way, and we will be able to use that and apply it to the hypotheses that we have formed over the years.''} + +``Are there problems in that area that need solving?'' Codrin asked. + +\emph{``I do not know. It is something which is interesting to me for its own sake. Perhaps we can learn more about sensoria,''} it said, shrugging. \emph{``For those who desire children, perhaps there are implications within that which will allow them to experience such.''} + +``Do you want children, then?'' + +\emph{``Good Lord, no.''} It giggled. \emph{``I did not wind up with that desire. That is something for other elements of the clade. I am sure that Hammered Silver and her stanza would pounce on the idea.''} + +Their partner chuckled as well. ``I thought not. Besides, can you imagine a synthesis of the three of us? A historian chef that forks like mad.'' + +They all laughed. + +``I don't know how much of a historian I am anymore,'' ey said. ``But doubtless they would keep my love for books.'' + +Dear tilted its head. \emph{``Are you not? You have taken on historiographical projects in the years since the} History, \emph{have you not?{}``} + +Ey shrugged. ``I have incomplete thoughts on that.'' + +The fox nodded. \emph{``I will not push, but I am eager to hear them at some point.''} + +Ey nodded. ``Of course, Dear.'' + +Their other partner yawned, then let out a contented sigh. ``You know, if sunlight had weight, I would use it as a blanket. It's such a nice feeling.'' + +``\,`If sunlight had weight'?'' Codrin laughed. ``That sounds like a line of poetry.'' + +They threw a pebble at em. ``I need at least the feeling of a blanket over me if I'm going to sleep.'' + +``Going to take a nap? We've got a blanket right here.'' + +``I also need a bed beneath me.'' + +Ey picked the pebble up from where it had landed on eir sarong and tossed it back at them. ``Well, go in and take a nap, then. I think it's walking off the sandwiches and gin for me.'' + +They tossed the pebble at Dear in turn. ``Back to work with you?'' + +\emph{``Perhaps. I will send a fork with each of you.''} + +As fox and historian walked out into the prairie, Codrin finally worked up the courage to ask Dear the question it had wanted to ever since their conversation on semiotics. ``Do you wish you were a part of the emissaries?'' + +\emph{``No.''} Its response was flat and immediate. \emph{``I have curiosity about the knowledge, but no desire to actually join in the experience.''} + +``You don't have to answer, but do you know why?'' + +It thought for a moment, then shrugged. \emph{``My existence relies on understanding and responding to the actions and emotions of others. I will wait until there is a way for us to understand, and then I will experience it if I am able. If I am not, then I will simply revel in the story that you write.''} + +``I'll bring back as much information as I can. Maybe some of them will stick around and you can give them a performance down the line.'' + +The fox laughed. \emph{``Perhaps, yes.''} + +They walked in silence for a while longer. Codrin eventually gave up on walking off the gin and simply let sobriety back in. + +\emph{``One more reason, my love.''} + +``Hmm? Reason for\ldots?'' + +\emph{``For not wanting to be a part of your talks. I do not want to be a part because of this time manipulation business. I remember how it felt to be one of the lost. I remember experiencing centuries or mere seconds in that endless place of no time. I remember wondering if I would die out there after a hundred years had passed by, and I also remember only a few minutes going by before Debarre showed up.''} + +``Wait, \emph{he} was the one who got you out? I would've thought some clinic technician or something.'' + +\emph{``Of course, my dear. Why do you think we are so close to each other? Even after all that business in the early days, we are still close.''} It grinned sheepishly. \emph{``Please do not tell him this, but I have always been a little in love with him since then. Our tastes in partners differ, so few of the clade have ever acted on it, just as Michelle never acted on it. I believe End Waking is the only one who has, and even that is complicated.''} + +``Ioan seems fond of him.'' + +\emph{``Of course ey does,''} Dear said primly. \emph{``He is much like me if I was in any way serious.''} + +Codrin grinned. ``Crazy, then?'' + +\emph{``A different kind of mad, perhaps. He is highly principled, though, and that along with the seriousness is a draw to Debarre, I think.''} After a few more steps, the fox added, \emph{``But yes, as mad as any of us. None of us will be comfortable with such an eternity.''} + +Ey nodded, thinking back to the conversation they had shared so long ago, back when ey was newly Codrin. \emph{Trauma, if trauma this is, forges bonds,} it had said. + +``Not keen on more trauma, then?'' + +It shoved em playfully. \emph{``You are a brat. I was just about to say that.''} + +Ey laughed. + +\emph{``I will not go, though,''} the fox repeated. \emph{``I will await your stories, but I will not go.''} + +``I'll bring back some good ones, then.'' + +\emph{``I know you will. It will be an experience that I am sure many will want to hear about. I know that, should you choose to write about it, the three Systems will look forward to it.''} + +Ey nodded. The idea of a project such as this lingered in eir gut like a weight, and the fact that dread tinged the excitement ey had about it only added to eir anxiety. Ey kept these thoughts to emself. + +\emph{``But, my dear, do be watchful. There will be two Odists on that mission, and they will share in some of my trepidation.''} It took eir hand in its paw and gave the back of it an affectionate lick. The gesture seemed to be one designed to minimize the anxiety in the statement, but eirs or Dears, ey could not tell. \emph{``They share that same trauma. Be watchful and remember what I said: even True Name has emotions, even she will be affected.''} diff --git a/neviim/content/018.tex b/neviim/content/018.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..8dec8f3 --- /dev/null +++ b/neviim/content/018.tex @@ -0,0 +1,112 @@ +\hypertarget{ioan-bux103lan-2346}{% +\chapter{Ioan Bălan — 2346}} +\markboth{Ioan Bălan — 2346}{} + +\begin{center} +\emph{Convergence T-plus 10 days, 2 hours, 3 minutes}\\ +\emph{(Castor--Lagrange transmission delay: 30 days, 14 hours, 36 minutes)} +\end{center} + +\noindent Ioan knew that it would be quite a while yet before eir and May's forks merged back down. Time Is A Finger Pointing At Itself, the director of the play, was quite strict but she also drank like a fish and clung jealously to some remnant of productions she'd remembered from more than two centuries ago, so it had become a comfortable rhythm for Ioan, May, and any other actors who wished to join to follow her to a pub that served strong drinks and greasy food. + +Ey had been planning on a simple dinner on eir own, perhaps catching up on some reading, but with this knowledge and the fact that May was now here with em, the plan evolved into something more involved. Staying inside didn't feel right. Something about the news had them in mind of stars, in mind of looking up to the sky, so they wound up grilling burgers out on the patio and talking as they watched the stars come out one by one, sitting there in the house's backyard. + +The burgers had long since been finished and the grill long since put away when Ioan felt an automated sensorium ping of someone entering the house, followed shortly by a real-time message from who had just arrived. + +She did not give em time to react, nor even to stand. Ey had only managed to turn to look to the bottom of the steps leading to the patio before the visitor stepped out onto the concrete, lit only by the string of lights tucked beneath the overhanging deck. + +``I\ldots what? True Name?'' + +She bowed quickly before holding her paws up in a disarming gesture. ``Ioan, May Then My Name. I apologize for the brusque entry, but I believe we need to talk.'' + +May growled, pushing herself to her feet. ``I will leave you to it.'' + +Ey had only ever seen eir partner furious on a scant handful of occasions, but now ey could add one more to the list. Her teeth were bared, tail bristled out, and hiked up, paws bunched up into fists. In the two decades since the research and publication of \emph{On the Origin of Our World}, since the knowledge of True Name's supposed role in Michelle's death became known, May's view of her down-tree instances had dropped precipitously, and all but one of those moments of fury had been triggered by her own clade. + +``May Then My Name, please,'' True Name said, clasping her paws before her and bowing once again, lower this time. She sounded contrite, small. ``I know that you do not hold me in high regard, but all the same, I would prefer if you stayed, as I am assuming that you have both received the same news.'' + +May hesitated, frowned, and crossed her arms, but did not move to leave. + +``Thank you,'' the other skunk said, straightening up and brushing her paws down her blouse, a nervous gesture ey had never seen on one who always looked so in control. ``I will not take up too much of your time, as there is much to be done. Even though there are several of me already at work and this is my only task, my mind is still torn in many directions. May we please step inside where there is more light?'' + +Ioan looked up to May, who shrugged. She still looked as though she would like to either quit or bounce True Name from the sim entirely. + +Once they were seated inside, True Name stared off into space for a moment, and Ioan imagined her rifling through several exocortices at once, digging out a collection of files and memories. + +``Alright,'' she said, shaking her head to focus. ``First of all, may I see the message that you have received from Codrin\#Castor?'' + +``There was some content that was clade eyes only, but I'll share the first half with you.'' + +``And there is nothing in the second half that pertains to Artemis?'' + +Ey shook eir head, drawing the first half of the message out from the tabletop as a bit of foolscap which ey handed over. ``Codrin had questions on careers. Nothing pertinent.'' + +The skunk skimmed the message rapidly while Ioan and May looked on. Eir partner still held fury in her eyes. Ey only felt tired. + +``Alright, this is much the same information that we received earlier today.'' True Name folded the slip of paper and slid it into a pocket in her slacks. ``I am sure that you can guess why I have arrived in such a rush, but to be clear, True Name\#Castor learned that Codrin had sent you this update. Ey was free to do so, but\ldots well, it is our job to consider information security and hygiene, so she sent us an additional message immediately upon learning of this.'' + +``And you are here to shut us up,'' May said. + +True Name lowered her gaze. ``I am here only to provide suggestions as to that same security and hygiene.'' + +Ioan marveled at the sight of the skunk. She had always seemed so proud and in control, and now she looked to be on the verge of panic. She looked, of all things, frightened. + +``Okay,'' ey said. ``But didn't you and Jonas plan for this? Run simulations?'' + +``We did, yes. We even ran the fact that it might be you who received the information through our models,'' she said, nodding to em. + +``But you did not count on me,'' May said. + +There was a tight silence that lingered a long few seconds before True Name nodded. ``We did not count on you. We did not count on \emph{both} of you. We did not count on\ldots{}'' She took a shaky breath, recomposed herself, and continued. ``We did not count on what changes the dynamic between you two would lead to.'' + +``Your models included a historian, you mean,'' Ioan said. ``And now you also have one of your own. You've got two actors, one of whom was purpose-built by you specifically to influence others.'' + +She looked stricken, gaze jumping between em and May. ``When one has lived so long with a certain set of expectations, having them subverted is a shock. May Then My Name, I do not begrudge you your feelings toward me. It is not my goal to win you back or anything like that; all I can do is admit my shortcomings and try to do better by you, even if that is, as you have requested, leaving you be. I truly am happy for you—for both of you—as you have accomplished something that I never could, that Michelle struggled with from the beginning. However, I have a job. I have goals to work towards. I have a vision that I would like above all things to uphold.'' + +``You have painted yourself into a corner,'' May said. Her voice had lost the edge of anger at her down-tree instance's admission and apology. + +True Name giggled. + +It was a startling sound coming from her. Ioan had seen her laugh, grin, and smile, but they were all tightly controlled. They were all laser-focused cues to guide her interlocutor. The giggle held amusement, yes, but also nervousness. It seemed to be covering a much larger, less grounded emotional outburst. Ey had been considering just how much of this interaction up until this point was a carefully constructed act, how much of her visit could be dismissed with a wink and a grin, but there was something far too real about that giggle. + +Ioan and May looked to each other and frowned. + +``I'm sorry, True Name,'' ey said. ``I mean this in all compassion, but you sound like you're about to lose it.'' + +The skunk giggled again, sounding even less grounded, then rested her elbows on the table and buried her face in her paws, grinding the heels of her palms against her eyes before straightening the longer fur atop her head. ``I am, yes. At least in a way. There are many threads happening at once and, as May Then My Name put it, I have painted myself into a corner with this one.'' + +``Make your pitch, then,'' May said, voice softer still. + +``It is a small ask, I hope,'' the skunk said, folding her hands on the tabletop once more. ``Do not publish any of this information in the feeds or in some new book or play, and do not put it anywhere in the perisystem architecture. Not yet. I ask that you keep it between yourselves, Jonas, me, and other Odists. You may, of course, keep communicating with Castor, but I would ask that you not pass this on to Pollux yet. Codrin and True Name are working together, per the message I received, so I imagine our messages will contain similar content, but should anything interesting come up, I would be much obliged if you shared with me. Are you open to that?'' + +``Sure,'' Ioan said. + +May shrugged. ``I may talk to A Finger Pointing and End Waking about it, but I think you will have the rest of the clade under control before I wind up speaking to any of them again. I will likely also share this with Douglas. He of all people deserves to know.'' + +The skunk stiffened in her seat and sat silent for a moment. ``May I be there when you do? I would like to impress upon him the gravity of the situation.'' + +``Absolutely not.'' + +True Name winced, wilted, nodded. ``I see. Well, if you would pass on my request for information security, I would be very grateful.'' + +``I will,'' May said. ``I will also be telling Debarre.'' + +There was a long silence. Ioan could not read either of the skunks' features, nor guess at the sudden tension in the room. + +``We'll pass on your request,'' Ioan said at last, earning em a sharp glance from May. + +True Name nodded slowly. Standing and once more brushing her blouse flat, she bowed. ``Thank you both and apologies for the intrusion.'' + +May stood as well and stepped around the table, taking the other skunk's paws in her own. It was strange to see the gesture of kindness after so tense a discussion, but the expression on May's face as she looked at her down-tree instance showed none of the friendship implied. + +Ioan marveled. If the sight of two skunks that shared so much in common and yet differed in such fundamental ways was uncanny, seeing them touch in like this after so much acrimonious history bordered on distressing. + +``You wrote to me back in 197,'' May said. ``You pointed me toward Ioan and you told me, `You are, in many ways, a better version of me, and the completeness that you bring to our stanza ensures that we add up to something that is greater than the sum of its parts.' You told me that you still love me in your own way. Do you remember that?'' + +The skunk canted her ears back and nodded. + +May let go of her paws to hug her arms up around her cocladist's shoulders. ``I still believe that.'' + +True Name leaned into the hug. Ey couldn't see her face from where ey sat, but ey could still hear the sharp intake of breath and see the shaking of her shoulders. + +After a moment, May leaned back, rested her paws on those shoulders, and said, ``But please leave and do not ever, \emph{ever} come to my house again.'' diff --git a/neviim/content/019.tex b/neviim/content/019.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..e3ac067 --- /dev/null +++ b/neviim/content/019.tex @@ -0,0 +1,147 @@ +\hypertarget{tycho-braheartemis-2346}{% +\chapter{Tycho Brahe\#Artemis — 2346}} +\markboth{Tycho Brahe\#Artemis — 2346}{} + +\begin{center} +\emph{Convergence T-minus 6 days, 1 hour, 2 minutes} +\end{center} + +\noindent ``Alright, are you ready?'' True Name said. + +Tycho nodded, ``Ready as I'll ever be.'' + +The transition from System proper to DMZ was as seamless as any, though when he checked systime, he found that nearly twenty seconds had passed. That would be an unimaginably long transit time within the system, where the transit between sims would take place faster than he would have been able to perceive. + +``Well, that was not so bad,'' True Name said, walking out into the cloistered courtyard that had been set up for the meeting. ``Now, let us check communication.'' + +He wasn't able to sense anyone other than True Name and Answers Will Not Help. There were no options for a sensorium message with any others. He strained as hard as he could to sense Tycho\#Tasker or Codrin or anyone else he could think of. There was simply nothing there. The sim was immutable and the disconnection complete. + +True Name stood for several minutes in the shade of a tree, looking thoughtful as she ran through some internal checklist. At one point, he felt a sensorium ping from her, which he returned. + +``Fantastic,'' she said, nodding. ``Exos all there, no access to feeds, no transit, nothing. Reputation market looks on track for the DMZ as well.'' + +Tycho checked his reputation, pegged at a minuscule \emph{1000 Ŕ}, and then the costs. Sim creation into the millions, forking well into the tens of millions. No possible way he could afford either. ``Will they arrive with the same amount?'' he asked. + +``Yes. We could not think of a way to decouple reputation entirely from the core functionality of the System,'' Answers Will Not Help said. ``But we could at least make everything prohibitively expensive. This will allow us to make small changes if need be, but forking will be well out of reach.'' + +``Really? Isn't that kind of fundamental to our existence here?'' + +``Allowing them to fork might prove dangerous, Tycho. We do not know how large their consciousnesses are.'' + +He shrugged. ``Well, sure, but if our goal is to provide an accurate representation of ourselves\ldots{}'' + +The two Odists frowned at each other before True Name said, ``You do make a good point. We will take it under consideration. + +He nodded and began prowling through the courtyard. It consisted of a large, square area, a fountain in the center, and a large table beside it—``I will have full ACLs and enough rep to modify this if need be,'' True Name explained—all surrounded by a ring of trees, and that with a ring of covered walkway. + +He paced around the perimeter, watching the way the sunlight shone through the trees and cast dancing shadows on the ground. They had been his idea, a lingering remnant from his dream. At two opposite corners, hallways led off to rest and sleeping areas. He walked down the one that led to the humans' quarters, turned around, and looked back toward the courtyard. The view was much the same as in his dreams, though here, the columns from the covered walk offered regularly spaced shadows along the wall. + +He nodded approvingly and made his way back out to the central meeting area. + +A copy of Jonas had also made his way into the sim and was poking his way around the table, inspecting pads of paper and pens. As he watched, another Jonas appeared and then quit. + +``Alright,'' the Jonas said. ``Transmission across the border works as expected. Memories transfer without loss, and merging is the same as always. No radio, no textual transmission, so you'll have to rely on a fork transiting the border to relay news.'' + +``Wait, so neither party will be able to communicate outside of here?'' Tycho asked. + +``Nope, all locked down. You'll have to rely on the grapevine; Codrin has volunteered an instance. We can open it up later if we want.'' + +``But if we're using forks and they're not allowed, won't that look strange?'' + +``You ask a lot of questions for a tasker,'' Answers Will Not Help said, laughing. ``But yes, your point stands. Perhaps we will allow them one fork, maybe limited to their rest area. Thoughts?'' + +Jonas shrugged. + +True Name made a note to herself on one of the pads. ``We will talk about it back at headquarters.'' + +``Will leave it up to you,'' Jonas said. ``Still, good job, everyone.'' + +Answers Will Not Help bowed with a flourish. ``I am glad that you enjoy, O great political teacher.'' + +He laughed and tossed a pen at her. + +``Are you regretting your decision to stay behind?'' True Name asked. + +``Does it count as regret if I never wanted to go with?'' He grinned, shrugged. ``But it's a good setup you have. Only one set of cocladists, only one politician. It gives them a wide gamut to experience.'' + +The skunk nodded. ``Perhaps we will open it up at the end and you will get to meet them. Maybe some of them will stay behind and live within the DMZ.'' + +``We'll see.'' Jonas nodded to Tycho as he joined them around the table. ``And here's to our scientist. Thanks for providing us with your dreamscape. It's a nice place to hold a conference. We've got everything from ancient Roman architecture to twenty-second century S-R Bloc conference tables.'' + +Tycho shrugged. ``It seemed like a nice place. Glad you like. When is this even going to happen, by the way?'' + +``Three days from now. They'll be one light-hour out, at that point, which will provide minimal risk during transit while still giving us the most time for the conference. With our burn, it should give us about six weeks together until we reach the point where we're at one light-hour apart again.'' + +``Six weeks sounds like a long conference.'' + +``We do not know how long the conference will last,'' True Name said. ``It could be over in an hour if they prove to be pests. All we will need to do is shut down the Ansible, leave the DMZ, and wipe everything within it.'' + +He frowned. ``Wouldn't they be able to leave, too?'' + +``The border is governed by stronger ACLs than we are used to. One must have entered via the System in order to exit again, which they will not have done.'' She grinned. ``But I do not expect that we will need to do this. With all of the chatter we have done in the last few weeks and with what my cocladists say about the language, they sound like a nice enough group.'' + +``How do you figure?'' Tycho asked. He prowled through his memories of the language that he'd learned in the interim. ``It feels mostly\ldots uh, normal, to me, if that's the right word. They've got all the same concepts for what we have. Bunch of words about fur, seems like.'' + +True Name grinned all the wider. ``Which automatically makes them better.'' + +``That's mostly the point, though,'' Answers Will Not Help said. ``They do not have a superfluity of words for war, weapons, fighting, of course, but they also do not have words for discussion that are so fine-grained that we will be out of our depth. They will talk much like us, which makes them easier to predict.'' + +``Besides,'' the skunk continued. ``You have read all of the messages we have received. They sound excited to meet us. They keep talking about how long it has been since they have had one of these `convergences'. I \emph{am} picking up the sense of an ulterior motive behind all that they say. Or, well, perhaps not an ulterior motive so much as a deeper version of their explicitly stated motives of having these talks. I think that they might want something out of it that they are not stating outright.'' + +Tycho pulled out one of the chairs at the conference table and sat down, the others following suit shortly after. + +``Isn't that kind of shady, though?'' he asked. + +Both Jonas and True Name shook their heads. + +``Political adroitness isn't a bad thing,'' Jonas said. ``It shows that they are a social culture, and that they are willing to at least try and move us in a certain direction. That, in turn, means that we can do the same to them without feeling bad about it.'' + +``One would think that constructing something like this--'' Tycho waved his arm at the sim and, by extension, the System that contained it. ``--would require some sort of politicking, right?'' + +``Well, sure, but it could've been an authoritarian regime that press-ganged its population into building their version of the System in the first place.'' + +``What about the other races, though?'' + +He shrugged. ``That wouldn't have proved much. Maybe their System would have remained a totalitarian regime and they subsumed the other races. Still, seeing things like secondrace's language being the \emph{lingua franca} rather than that of firstrace helps. Seeing these little glimpses of individuality are heartening. They sound like a varied culture, which is good for us.'' + +Tycho nodded. + +``And before you ask why that does not make it more difficult for us,'' True Name said. ``Them having a varied culture means that there are at least some that might be sympathetic to us.'' + +``Or susceptible to,'' he said. + +He regretted the words as soon as they were out of his mouth. He felt in a precarious position, surrounded as he was by three politicians. Calling them out on their machinations was surely a dangerous move. + +Answers Will Not Help giggled. Even True Name and Jonas were chuckling. ``You continue to amaze and delight, my dear,'' she said. ``But yes, it does make them susceptible to our wicked ways.'' + +He smiled cautiously. ``Well, if you say so.'' + +``Come on, let's head back,'' Jonas said. ``We'll reset the sim, grab some dinner, and then we can go back to planning.'' + +It took another forty seconds to transit the DMZ barrier going the opposite direction, and this time he could feel the slight resistance as he transited, as though some process were investigating him from head to foot, from outside in, to ensure that he was who he said he was. + +Throughout dinner, he remained quiet, and no matter how hard he tried, he was not able to focus on the food. It was good, of course, as much of the food had been during his stay, but some part of his mind remained elsewhere. It remained back in the sim, back focused on the conversation that he'd had with the politicians of the team. + +Since he'd arrived—even before then, even before the message from Artemis—he had felt in over his head. There was something about these people, something about the world that they'd set up that showed how they worked on some higher level than him. Their minds were so fundamentally different that, no matter how much they tried to explain the political ramifications, no matter how much they showed him their work in shaping the response to the news, he just couldn't take it all in. + +It had seemed that True Name and Answers Will Not Help had loosened their control over him the longer he stayed with them. They paid less attention to him. They spoke more in commands than guiding questions. They smiled less and focused harder on the tasks at hand. Even Why Ask Questions, who he'd found himself liking quite a bit after working with her on the letter, had grown busier and busier. + +He felt as though he had been purchased as a tool and then simply set in his drawer until it was time for him to be used. + +How much input would he even have in these meetings? Was he to be, as Codrin had said, merely an amanuensis? Was his job simply to be there, observe, and pick up on the science aspect? Would he be allowed to take part in the conversations? Would he get to know the Artemisians? + +There were far more questions than there were answers and, apropos to the situation, none of the answers were helping, so the cynical part of him kept thinking \emph{why bother asking?} + +It was almost too much, sitting there at dinner, trying to chat amiably, trying to enjoy the food, while all these questions and so many more circled around inside his head, hunting for some release, but there was no way that he could hope to ask anyone at the table that night, none of the True Names, none of the Answers Will Not Helps or Why Ask Questionses, and certainly none of the Jonases. Perhaps he could ask Sovanna or Dr.~Verda—on hold until there was further astronomical data to process—but they were busy enough with their own worries that didn't surround acting as emissary to an alien race to bother with the social engineering going on around them. + +After dinner, he begged the evening alone to rest in his quarters and paced, composing his message in his head. + +``\#Tasker,'' he said at last, beginning the sensorium message. ``Can you talk to Codrin some about just what it is to be an amanuensis? I know ey talked to you about that and all, but I'm really not sure what it is that I should be doing, or what I even can do. I know I'm supposed to listen and record along with em, and I know I'm supposed to ask all the fancy science questions, but I'm starting to feel like that'd be better served by writing down a list of questions for one of the Odists to ask. + +``Hell, I'm starting to feel like \emph{they} wish that's all I'd do. They're nice enough, and they seem confident in their decision to use me as the science representative, so it's not like I'm off the team, I just don't know that I'll have any say in any of this, and I guess\ldots I guess I'm just feeling lost. + +``I'm sending this to you rather than em so that you're up to date. I feel like you ought to know some of my thoughts since you're\ldots well, you're me. If I were any more confident in my ability to fork and merge just for this, I'd just do that, but even that feels way outside my realm of expertise. But also\ldots even Codrin feels clicks above me. I don't want to make em explain every little detail to me just because I'm so socially dense. + +``Get back to me if you can, but if not, at least let Codrin know so, that when ey arrives tomorrow for orientation, ey's got this knowledge, too. + +``Anyway, uh\ldots thanks, me. I'll merge down before we take off. I hope you're sleeping better than I am.'' diff --git a/neviim/content/020.tex b/neviim/content/020.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..83264f3 --- /dev/null +++ b/neviim/content/020.tex @@ -0,0 +1,8 @@ +\hypertarget{part-ii-experience}{% +\section{Part II --- Experience}\label{part-ii-experience}} + +\begin{quote} +And so they sat around their campfire and talked and discussed and argued and strove and fought and laughed and wept. They sat around the campfire and raised their hands in vote, and it was decided that an ark was to be created and sent to explore, and any who wanted to go to see those campfires would have the chance. Those who dreamed of the opportunity chose universally to travel. Those who saw the risk as overwhelming did not. Those who knew that this might be an opportunity for themselves and for those who might consider them ancestors decided as they would: to go or to not. +\end{quote} + +From \emph{An Expanded Mythology of our World} by May Then My Name Die With Me of the Ode clade diff --git a/neviim/content/021.tex b/neviim/content/021.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..7ee4f81 --- /dev/null +++ b/neviim/content/021.tex @@ -0,0 +1,71 @@ +\hypertarget{codrin-bux103lancastor-2346}{% +\chapter{Codrin Bălan\#Castor — 2346}} +\markboth{Codrin Bălan\#Castor — 2346}{} + +\begin{center} +\emph{Convergence T-minus 3 days, 7 hours, 44 minutes} +\end{center} + +\noindent The pattern-matching portion of eir mind could not stop making comparisons between this and previous projects ey had been involved in with the Odists. \emph{On the Perils of Memory} had been a fairly disorganized affair, begun hastily and over far too soon, leaving the conclusion feeling outsized for the duration of the events at hand. \emph{An Expanded History of Our World} (or \emph{On the Origin of Our World} when taken with May Then My Name's \emph{An Expanded Mythology of Our World}) had been a vast, sprawling affair that was fairly well organized throughout, though transmission times toward the end had begun to hinder coordination. + +This, then, lay somewhere in between. While the news had been sudden and the pace nearly frenetic, it had been nothing if not organized. What had begun as a simple message had turned into a flurry of activity, where dozens of forks from four clades coordinated to plan around eventualities, discuss linguistic profiles, and work with Sarah Genet in her role as psychologist to find weak spots in the team and areas where they could shore each other up during the talks. + +And through it all, hundreds of Odists and Jonases worked behind the scenes to ensure that every potential possibility was summarized and provided to the team through meeting after meeting, presentation after presentation, quiz and questionnaire. + +Every time Codrin thought \emph{hey, this is almost like--}, ey was brought up short by all of the ways it wasn't. It was organized and guided, but without the careful precision that ey now knew to be the case for the \emph{History}. It was hectic and \emph{ad hoc} but without the spur-of-the-moment surprises that came with \emph{Perils}. + +Consequently, ey kept finding emself stumbling when presented with a pattern that fit one project and then failed to fit completely. + +At last, though, they had dotted all of the `i's they could find and crossed all the `t's that they could think of and gathered to begin the final preparations. + +The five of them trickled into the boardroom. They'd been told to dress `nice, but comfortable', which didn't change anything for True Name. Why Ask Questions had dressed in a matching outfit. Tycho had swapped out a plaid flannel shirt for a plain white one, but remained in his jeans. Sarah had opted for a blouse and slacks that fit well in what she called her ``middle-aged, mid-career psychologist aesthetic.'' + +It left Codrin feeling somewhat overdressed for the occasion, but ey shook it off as best ey could. A few years prior, ey'd written a short paper on traditional clothing styles that had been ported into the System, many of which had seen a resurgence, up where cost was no longer a barrier. Ever since, when nicer dress was required, ey'd taken to dressing in various levels of traditional Romanian garb from the nineteenth and twentieth centuries. For this project, that meant an embroidered, wide-sleeved blouse and a simple, ankle-length wrap-around skirt, over which was layered \emph{fotele}, an over-skirt rather like an apron, in rich, embroidered red, with a simpler panel of fabric hanging from the back. + +Ey had even braided eir hair. Ah well. + +``Alright,'' a Jonas said. He held a clipboard with a checklist he appeared to be reading from. ``Greetings. True Name?'' + +They proceeded down the line, each reciting their version of the Artemisian greeting while an instance of Answers Will Not Help judged and corrected them. Ey recited eir greeting when eir turn came, but only from the most automatic portion of emself remaining. The rest was spent thinking about how much ey'd miss eir partners. How much ey'd miss home. + +Jonas ticked a box on his clipboard. ``Fork and tag your new instances \#Castor. Codrin, we'll need another instance from you tagged \#Assist.'' + +Codrin and the two Odists forked immediately. Sarah took a few seconds, and Tycho apologized profusely thirty seconds later when he was finally able to manage the feat. + +``I'm still not used to it, sorry.'' + +Jonas waved away the comment. ``You're fine, Tycho. Not everyone is True Name.'' + +Both instances of the skunk made a rude gesture at him. + +``Yeah, well, fuck you too.'' He laughed. ``Alright. The rest of the tasks will be specific to each group, so--'' He forked, and the new instance continued, ``--\#Artemises, with me to Artemis Staging\#553a49c. The rest to Castor Staging\#ad89ae03.'' + +Ey lingered for a few seconds and thought. One thing this project had that none of the others had had was the feeling of stepping away from home and leaving it behind completely. There would be no coming home for dinner after a day of interviewing or researching. There would be no returning to the tightly controlled chaos that had become the comfortable dynamic among eir little family. Ey stood, watching the others step away, including the other versions of emself, and soaked in the sensation of longing. + +When ey stepped through to the DMZ staging sim, ey was greeted by a nearly identical boardroom to the one ey had just left. There were, ey noted, far more whiteboards lining the walls, not to mention far more Odists and Jonases at work just beyond. + +``We have an hour,'' Jonas said. ``So let's finalize our plans for information gathering.'' + +Codrin pulled out a chair at the table and sat between Tycho and Sarah. ``Will this be mostly on Tycho?'' + +The astronomer shrugged. ``We're the science side, yeah, but we can exchange all the math we'd like without meeting like this. I think it'd be better to say that we'll be talking about the differences in how we learn and proceed through science. It'll be good to learn what we can, and I plan on asking a ton of questions, but it's almost more Sarah's arena.'' He grinned, added, ``Don't get me wrong, though. I'll still be more in my element than Tycho\#Artemis.'' + +``Correct,'' True Name said. ``Tycho will be asking questions on math, physics, and astronomy, Why Ask Questions on biology and linguistics, and Sarah psychology, sociology, and health, but her other duty will be to observe how they answer and glean the different ways in which they learn and communicate to see how they tick and where our common ground lies.'' + +``And I observe.'' + +She nodded. ``As always, yes, though I do not believe you will need to remain silent. Feel free to ask your own questions.'' + +``What will you do?'' + +The skunk smiled and lifted her shoulders in a shrug. ``What I do best, my dear. I will guide the questioning, perform risk analysis, and assess lines of control and weakness.'' + +Ey had been prepared to make a mental note to pull apart her reply to come up with a way to divine her true intentions, but so honest was her answer that ey was wrong-footed into silence. + +They talked through a few more plans, though there was nothing that they had not already covered on the docket. Another short language quiz. First questions they'd ask. A quick run-down of what textual descriptions of their races they had sent. The Artemisians had been startled by Castor's\pagebreak~inability to receive anything but text, so the descriptions had seemed hasty. + +\emph{Something to ask about,} Codrin thought. + +All five of the party sat up with a start from a sensorium message, a little thrill of adrenaline, alerting them to the time. + +Codrin was caught off guard at the lack of fanfare that their departure received. The Jonas who had been running the debriefing waved, and none of the others in the room did more than look over their shoulders as they were shunted over to the DMZ and ey was left blinking in the dappled sunlight of the meeting area. diff --git a/neviim/content/022.tex b/neviim/content/022.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..b9c22e5 --- /dev/null +++ b/neviim/content/022.tex @@ -0,0 +1,159 @@ +\hypertarget{codrin-bux103lanartemis-2346}{% +\chapter{Codrin Bălan\#Artemis — 2346}} +\markboth{Codrin Bălan\#Artemis — 2346}{} + +\begin{center} +\emph{Convergence T-minus 3 days, 6 hours, 0 minutes} +\end{center} + +\noindent Arrival. + +Arrival and light and noise and a slick, slippery feeling to the air about em. + +Codrin stole a few long seconds with eir eyes squinted shut. The light itself was loud, the noise bright. Everything was just slightly off, just slightly wrong. + +And then, those seconds passed, and the noise was less blinding, and when ey opened eir eyes, ey no longer felt deafened, and ey was able to take in the world around em. The ground, the dome above, the colonnaded walls, the greenery beyond. Tight-fitting stone, slick and polished. + +Before em stood what ey supposed must be the Artemisian delegation. + +Turun Ka and Turun Ko, judging by their identical appearance, stood half again as tall as em. Their flesh, what might have otherwise been skin, was made of what looked to be a supple, rubbery material in gunmetal grey. Powerful thighs supported a stocky torso, and the fact that they were leaned slightly forward was counterbalanced with a thick, lizard-like tail behind them. Their shoulders were sloped and narrow, and ey could see now why they had described themselves as equally comfortable on both two and four legs: their hands were clawed and padded with five fingers and an opposable thumb, but so were their feet. + +Atop a long neck rising from their shoulders sat heads with a distinctly canine bent. They were shaped, in fact, not too dissimilar from Dear's, though the ears were less outrageously large. + +It was the faces, though, that captivated eir attention. They did not have visible mouths or noses, their `muzzles' instead being covered with a somewhat lighter grey version of that same supple coating. \emph{Porous, perhaps?} ey thought. \emph{To let them smell? I don't suppose they need to eat. Maybe for speech?} + +Rather than eyes, there was a mirrored panel of black, looking more mercury than plastic or glass. No visible eyes, no visible expressions. + +\emph{Well, this will be interesting.} + +To their right, a being of similar shape stood on two legs, though they were far smaller, coming up only to Codrin's chin. The longer ey looked, however, the more those similarities began to fall away. Yes, they stood on two powerful legs; yes, their body was canted forward and kept on balance with a thick tail; yes, they had an elongated snout. + +However, rather than that supple plastic, they were coated in a scaly hide, washed in oil-sheen colors. Where the firstrace representatives had little in the way of facial features, though, Stolon almost seemed to have a surfeit. Their eyes were bright and curious, their mouth seemingly ready to a smile—or some other expression, ey reminded emself, as what appeared to be a smile to humans may not be so to thirdrace. They did not have hair, as made sense for what looked to be a type of lizard, but they did have a crest of what appeared to be feathers of a sort, or perhaps massively elongated scales. + +Beside Stolon and standing a head shorter than even them was a creature—ey supposed this must be Iska—that reminded em so much of Debarre that ey was caught off-guard. The resemblance was uncanny: a svelte coat of brown fur with a creamier white starting beneath the chin and heading down over their front—or at least, ey assumed it continued beneath the thin, blue tunic they were wearing—and a black-tipped tail behind. Plenty of whiskers, dark eyes. + +The last of the Artemisians, Artante Diria, looked almost-but-not-quite human. Her features seemed far smoother, with a nose that melted into her face and earlobes that ramped smoothly down into her neck below. Beyond that, however, the differences were negligible. She could easily get lost in a crowd of humans with no problem whatsoever, another face of Asian descent, perhaps. She even wore a blue tunic and sarong of nearly identical cut to what ey wore so often. + +All five stood still, expectant. + +No, not still. Frozen. They stood frozen before the party of emissaries, unmoving. Nothing was moving. The air was still, the light seemed frozen, and it was eerily silent. + +Frowning, ey looked beside em at eir own cohort, and much the same held true. There, at least, there was a hint of movement: Sarah was turning slowly to face a noise to her left, over towards where Why Ask Questions was standing. The movement, however, was more than just slow. It was syrupy. It was thick. It was out of phase with em. + +All of it was out of phase with em. Everything. The world as a whole. + +``The hell\ldots?'' + +Ey stepped forward enough to look down the line to either side of emself. + +Tycho: frozen, confused, blanched. + +True Name: eyes held open defiantly, a grimace on her muzzle showing some internal strain. + +Sarah: shocked, startled, curious. + +Why Ask Questions: mid-shout, a splash of black fur creeping up over her cheek, a ghost of a muzzle before her face. + +``What the hell?'' ey repeated. + +``You are recorder Codrin Bălan, \emph{anem?}'' + +Startled, ey whirled to face the party of Artemisians. One of the firstrace members had stepped forward. Assuming the lineup was similar to their own, ey supposed it must be Turun Ko, the recorder, with Turun Ka as leader on the end. Its voice was surprisingly mellifluous for a being that seemed to be an artificial construct. + +``Y-yes,'' ey said, shaking er head. ``What\ldots is this\ldots I mean, is this time?'' + +Turun Ko tilted its chin up in a gesture ey could not understand. ``Yes. You have skewed-departed-slid-away from common time. It is normal-not-unusual for the recorder consciousness-bearing system to detach-accelerate from common time at first. Those such as you and I are primed-eager to observe over time.'' + +Codrin gripped eir notebook and pen closer to eir chest. ``Common\ldots so, the other emissaries are moving at the same time, I'm just moving slower?'' + +``Faster. You are existing-in-time faster, thus the other emissaries appear-seem to be moving slower.'' + +``How do I get back?'' + +The firstrace\ldots member? Firstracer? The firstracer dipped its snout with a twist to the side that gave em the sense of a shrug. ``There is no hurry-rush. We exist in synchrony. I will teach-instruct you to find common time. I must ask: you are four individuals in five forms in two phenotypes. Are you still five consciousness-bearing systems?'' + +It took em a moments work to disentangle the question before ey realized that Turun Ko was asking about True Name and Why Ask Questions. They were, ey supposed, still closer to being one individual than any two non-cladists. + +``Yes. The Only Time I Know My True Name—or just True Name—and Why Ask Questions, Here At\ldots{}'' Ey trailed off, looking at the woman who still appeared to be in mid-shout. The splash of skunk-fur appeared to have crept further up her cheek, though so out-of-phase was she with eir local time that it was hard to say for sure. More, though, something seemed\ldots off about her. She seemed not quite as ey remembered. + +``Recorder Codrin Bălan, please continue.'' + +``Uh, right, sorry. True Name and Why Ask Questions Here At The End Of All Things are cocladists, forks of the same root instance. Why Ask Questions is actually a fork of True Name, who is, in turn, a fork of the root instance, Michelle Hadje. They have individuated. They are\ldots separate consciousness-bearing entities.'' + +Turun Ko lifted its chin once more. ``Representative Why Ask Questions is in pain.'' + +``Pain?'' + +``Pain-of-existence. Pain-of-state-of-being. She is un-whole. This is why we must ask.'' + +Ey nodded. ``She looks scared. Frightened, or something.'' + +``Frightened, \emph{anem}, the correct word. Both representative Why Ask Questions and leader True Name are frightened. They are un-whole. They are in pain. Leader True Name is hiding-obscuring it better. Why?'' + +Something about this discursive, almost lazy form of questioning made Codrin feel as though ey would be late. Ey wanted to urge Turun Ko to get them back to common time. \emph{That's silly, though,} ey thought. \emph{We have all the time we need, if hardly any is passing out there. If `out there' is even the right term.} + +Ey said, ``I only have a guess as explained by one of their cocladists, that--'' + +``Cocladists is multiple forms of one individual, \emph{anem?}'' + +``Yes\ldots uh, \emph{anem,} correct. One of their cocladists suggested that they might react poorly to the\ldots{}'' Ey trailed off, hunting for the best phrasing. ``To the malleability of time. They underwent some experiences in the past regarding time, so I think they're afraid.'' + +``Will they remain afraid-in-pain? Will they cohere?'' + +Codrin was silent for a long moment as ey thought about this. The part of em that wanted to say `yes, of course' argued against the part of em that was intensely focused on that wave of skunk fur creeping its way up over Why Ask Questions's cheek. + +``I don't know,'' ey said at last. Ey pointed carefully toward that trim of fur. ``How long did it take for this to appear?'' + +``0.16 seconds common time from your arrival-constitution.'' Turun Ko stepped closer, bowing its head to investigate the fur. ``She is existing-in-time slower. She appears-seems frozen because she is in slow-time. She skewed-departed-slid-away from common time 0.18 seconds after arrival by a skew of -2.6. Think-remember, recorder Codrin Bălan, and you will know these things.'' + +Ey tilted eir head and then, considering how it felt to have a merge available to remember, tried to remember the `skew' factor by which eir experience of time differed from common time. The concepts were hazily defined to em—ey didn't know what common time was, where the point of reference lay—and yet all the same, ey knew that eir time-skew factor was +2.18. + +On a spark of intuition, ey tried to `remember' being at a skew of one, and sure enough, the world stumbled into movement again, though everything was moving half as fast as ey expected. Sound came through slowly, and ey could hear words beginning—words from Sarah, from Tycho, from Turun Ka. It was unnerving to hear that they had been time-stretched without having their pitch modulated, but ey supposed that would be helpful in time-skewed conversations. + +Ey felt the briefest twinge to eir sensorium and frowned. ``What was that?'' + +``I have tied-attached-synchronized my time skew to yours. If you require help with skew manipulation, I will assist. Think-remember common time, recorder Codrin Bălan.'' + +Ey nodded and slowly allowed Turun Ko and emself to slip back into common time. There was the faintest sensorium \emph{click}, as though a pin had slid into a shallow notch, informing em that this was the shared moment. + +``--My True Name Is When I Dream of the Ode clade will accompany,'' Turun Ka was saying. ``Representative Artante Diria will show you to your rest area. We will conduct formal greetings in one hour common time.'' + +True Name wavered, reaching out a hand to grip at Codrin's sleeve. She remained stubbornly skunk, clinging to that appearance of being in control. ``Thank you, leader Turun Ka,'' she said, words coming out slowly, spoken through clenched teeth. ``Our apologies.'' + +The firstracer bowed, tucking its chin close to its chest. ``There is no need to apologize. Allowances are granted to those who arrive from new worlds. Representative Iska will accompany you to discuss further accommodations.'' It turned to face the rest of the emissaries. ``You all may rest and acclimatize in the rest area we have provided for you. We welcome you.'' + +Artante Diria bowed at the waist, a gesture so easy and recognizable that the four representatives all reciprocated more out of habit. + +``Welcome. You may call me representative Artante Diria. This way, please,'' she said, gesturing with a hand. + +Codrin hesitated, watching as something happened to bring Why Ask Questions back into sync with common time. Her shout completed and then turned into a low moan as she crumpled to the ground, retching. For the first time since ey'd met Michelle nearly four decades ago, ey watched the dueling identities of a mind split. Skunk and human battled for primacy even as True Name moved to help her cocladist to her feet. + +``Where are they taking them?'' ey asked once ey'd caught up with Artante and the other emissaries. + +``There are several unison rooms available in the compound. They will be given one as quarters.'' + +``I'm guessing those are rooms where time can't move?'' Tycho asked. + +She smiled, nodding her head in assent. ``Move is the wrong word, but skew is locked in unison for all of the inhabitants, though that of the room may still diverge from common time. Your rest area will not be a unison room, but if this proves uncomfortable, we will accommodate you. Through here, you will find your beds and desks. Should you need anything in addition, please ring the bell by the door, and someone will be by to assist. I will come for you in one hour common time for the formal greeting.'' + +They bowed once again and each walked to a bed, picking at random. They seemed comfortable enough. The desks, while plain, were a touch that Codrin appreciated, and ey set eir notebook and pen down so that ey could prowl around the room. + +The far wall held window seats that looked out over a garden of strange, colorful vegetation. + +As ey sat on one of these, playing with eir new-found ability to modulate time, Tycho approached. Ey enjoyed a secret moment of amusement, making the astronomer walk first slowly, now quickly, before settling back into common time once more. + +``Codrin,'' he said, sitting down beside em. ``I want to get your opinion on something before I say anything stupid.'' + +``I am no stranger to saying stupid things, but I will do my best.'' + +The astronomer's smile was weak as he leaned in closer, whispering, ``Just between us for now, promise?'' + +Ey frowned, nodded. ``Can you move to fast time? Same as hopping sims or creating things: have the intention of being at a time skew of +2.'' + +Tycho blinked, looked nonplussed for a moment, then seemed to Codrin to start breathing incredibly rapidly. Ey followed him into fast time. + +``This is\ldots strange. Very strange,'' he said, looking around, back over to where Sarah appeared frozen in the act of sitting on the edge of her bed. + +``It really is. Still, this will give you enough privacy to speak freely, I believe.'' + +He looked back toward the door, worry painted on his face, and nodded. ``I'm not totally sure how I know, but I don't think that was Why Ask Questions. That was Answers Will Not Help.'' diff --git a/neviim/content/023.tex b/neviim/content/023.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..bd1e14c --- /dev/null +++ b/neviim/content/023.tex @@ -0,0 +1,116 @@ +\hypertarget{ioan-bux103lan-2346}{% +\chapter{Ioan Bălan — 2346}} +\markboth{Ioan Bălan — 2346}{} + +\begin{center} +\emph{Convergence T-plus 28 days, 13 hours, 35 minutes}\\ +\emph{(Castor--Lagrange transmission delay: 30 days, 14 hours, 36 minutes)} +\end{center} + +\noindent Ioan knew what was coming, so ey was able to brace emself well enough when May came barrelling out of the default entry point on the dandelion-ridden field that ey was not totally bowled over, managing at least a somewhat graceful descent to the ground. The skunk had already looped her arms around eir middle and tucked her head up under eir chin before ey was even able to sit up straight enough to get eir arms around her. + +``You nut.'' Ey laughed, reaching up to tug at one of her ears affectionately. ``Good to see you, too.'' + +``Ioan, I am in no way sorry for knocking you over,'' she said, voice muffled, her grip around eir middle tightening. ``Though I am dreadfully sorry that this happened again. I missed you.'' + +Giving up on the prospect of sitting up straight, ey leaned back onto one hand, propping emself up. ``No need to apologize, May. I'm just happy to see you again.'' + +The skunk leaned away from em enough to dot her nose against eirs. Her eyes were quite red and ey could see tear-tracks in the fur of her cheeks. She looked a mess. ``Do not take my apology away from me. I have been saving that one up.'' + +``Alright, alright,'' ey said, pressing eir nose a little more firmly to hers for a moment before leaning back again. ``Apology accepted. Are you feeling better?'' + +She sat upright rather than leaning against eir front and nodded. ``Yes. I was able to get a lot out that I think has been pent up for a while. Thank you for giving me the space. I promise I did not fuck with your pen collection.'' + +``Good. I had it all perfectly organized.'' Ey plucked a dandelion from the field and tucked it behind her ear. ``Now, do you want to talk about it? Or should we do that later? That was longer than the last few times.'' + +``Later, please. I want to say hi to Douglas and wash my face and just be normal for a bit.'' + +Douglas Hadje met them on the stoop of his house and, as had become their ritual over the years, hugged the skunk, lifted, and twirled her around. Her bushy tail streamed along behind her. + +``Hey May,'' he said, setting her back down again and kissing her cheek. ``Glad you made it through.'' + +``Of course I made it through. You still have at least seventy nine years of me haunting you before I can do something else.'' She grinned. ``And even then, the contract is renewable.'' + +``Ornery as ever.'' He laughed. ``Well, want to come in?'' + +``For a bit, and then I want to come back out here and lay in the grass and bake in the sun.'' + +After May had cleaned up and Ioan had helped Douglas prepare coffee and some sandwiches, they sat around the table to catch up. + +``So, what news of the aliens?'' Douglas asked. + +The skunk squinted at him. ``Has Ioan not been keeping you up to date?'' + +``A little. Ey said ey wanted to wait until you got here, though.'' + +``Whatever.'' She rolled her eyes. ``Well, out with it, then.'' + +``I've gotten several messages from Codrin over the last few days. Ey said they would be heading out to start the talks later that day in the last one.'' + +``So they have been into them for a while now.'' She looked thoughtfully up to the ceiling. ``A few weeks, perhaps?'' + +``Or maybe they're already over,'' Douglas said. + +``A gloomy thought. I would like to hope that they are going quite well. Codrin is there being a Bălan, Tycho is there being a nerd, this Sarah Genet is there being a whatever a Sarah Genet is like, Why Ask Questions is there being a shithead.'' She wrinkled her nose. ``And True Name is doing her best to control the whole thing.'' + +Ioan was pleased to see the mildness of the skunk's expression. It really did seem like many of those overwhelming emotions had burned themselves out over the last few days. + +``It's weird,'' Douglas said. ``Every now and then, I'll hear about something from one of the LVs that's anchored to a certain time and I'll remember, `Oh shit, yeah, they're billions of kilometers away by now', and then I have to spend some time trying to conceptualize that distance.'' + +Ioan nodded. ``The transmission delay throws a wrench in things, doesn't it? I was just thinking about that on Secession day. We were celebrating and it sounds like they were, too, but we didn't learn about their party until a month later.'' + +``The thing that always catches me off guard is that our days do not seem to line up any longer,'' May said around a bite of sandwich. ``I mean, they do, but when the delay is off by half a day, we start getting messages at shit o'clock in the morning. It is a strange feeling.'' + +``Exactly.'' + +``I hope they're still in the talks, too. Codrin sounded hopeful, at least. The messages that they'd been getting from the Artemisians were interesting, especially the language snippets. I'm guessing the powers that be made em promise not to send the full message text yet, but what they have learned is fascinating. Four races on one ship must be a hell of an experience. The DMZ sim sounds pleasant, though, and all of the work they've done to prepare is really kind of impressive.'' Ey sipped eir coffee to buy a moment's time to think before saying, ``There was a bunch of stuff in there for you, too, May. We can go over that later, though.'' + +The skunk frowned, finished the last of her sandwich, and then settled back in the chair with her coffee. ``You cannot leave me hanging, my dear. May I at least have a preview?'' + +``Well, Codrin's worried about you. As is Dear.'' + +``The memory thing?'' Douglas asked. + +Ey nodded. + +May averted her gaze, looking out the window to the rolling field beyond. ``I am worried, too. You know that.'' + +``I know. Reading between the lines, though, I think ey's worried about the whole clade. Ey's worried about you and Dear, and ey's worried about how True Name and Why Ask Questions are going to act through this. Dear reacted poorly to the whole time-modification thing.'' + +She nodded and sat in silence for a minute before setting her cup down. ``We are not doing as well as many of us would like, no. I have news as well, but I would like to share it outside where I can sit in the sun and feel the grass. Is that okay?'' + +Ioan and Douglas collected plates and coffee cups, then the three of them trooped out into the field while May spoke. + +``We have lost May One Day Death Itself Not Die and I Do Not Know, I Do Not Know. Death Itself stopped talking, and then she stopped moving. In Dreams visited for a while there, and a few days ago asked me to come visit as well. That is why this spell seemed to last longer than usual. Evening hit, she smiled at us, shrugged, and then quit.'' + +May's voice was thick as she continued. ``They all lived in the same house, did you know that? All ten of that stanza. Many of them did not even talk with each other, and none of them ever forked. They were always quite unstable. The next morning, I Do Not Know was gone, and Names Of The Dead said that she had quit shortly before sunrise.'' + +Ioan and Douglas remained quiet as they walked. The skunk didn't seem to be quite done saying the things that she needed to. + +She continued after a few minutes of mastering emotions, voice clear once more. ``In Dreams and I talked quite a bit. She said that there have been fewer instances of instability in older clades than expected, given \emph{On the Perils of Memory}. Fewer uploads are susceptible to the long-term effects of unceasing memory than expected, I guess. I was pleased to see that Debarre seems to be doing well.'' + +``That's heartening,'' Douglas said. ``At least in a way.'' + +The skunk nodded. ``I am pleased that the System is more stable than feared, but I am unhappy that we seem so strongly affected. In Dreams said that she is going to do some research and see if there are ways that we can at least improve on the way we deal with the effects. I do not know that there is a way to get rid of them entirely, at least not without further individuation, but the least we can do is help keep ourselves sane for longer.'' + +Ioan took her paw in eir hand and lifted it to kiss the back. ``Please, yeah. If you lose it, I'll be furious.'' + +She laughed and gave em a pitying look. ``Mx.~Ioan Bălan, you are pretty good at acting furious on stage, but I do not believe for a second that you could actually feel that way. Even Codrin was able to have a normal meeting with True Name after she did as she does with em.'' + +Ey did not laugh. Neither, ey noted, did Douglas. + +``I am sorry,'' she murmured, ears laid flat. + +``\,`Furious' is the wrong word, May. I'd lose my damn mind.'' Ey took a shaky breath and rubbed at eir face. ``I can't tell you you're not allowed to or anything, since I know it's not really up to you, but please at least try to stick around.'' + +``I'm not going to pile on or anything,'' Douglas said. ``But I will say I'd be pretty upset, too, so if there's anything I can do to help, I will.'' + +May dragged them both to a stop in the field. Her expression started out angry, then screwed up into sadness, and finally settled on tired. ``I love you both and I promise I will do what I can to stay here, stay grounded. I cannot speak for the rest of the clade, and certainly not for Dear to soothe Codrin's fears, but I will do what I can.'' + +It was not uncommon for these reunions to be tearful, Ioan knew, but it was a different sort of pang that settled in eir chest with the news, and it was a few minutes before ey was able to speak again. ``Sorry, you two.'' + +The skunk stuck her tongue out at em. ``I will allow you this one apology, but do not make a habit of it. You are allowed to cry at sad shit.'' + +Ey rolled eir eyes and shoved at her. + +``Well, I was promised laying in the grass and baking in the sun,'' Douglas said. ``So come on, we can at least enjoy the rest of the afternoon.'' diff --git a/neviim/content/024.tex b/neviim/content/024.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..9e72c73 --- /dev/null +++ b/neviim/content/024.tex @@ -0,0 +1,157 @@ +\hypertarget{codrin-bux103lancastor-2346}{% +\chapter{Codrin Bălan\#Castor — 2346}} +\markboth{Codrin Bălan\#Castor — 2346}{} + +\begin{center} +\emph{Convergence T-minus 3 days, 5 hours, 21 minutes} +\end{center} + +\noindent Codrin was pleased to see that some magic wrought by the Ansible engineers both here on Castor and their counterparts over on Artemis allowed the Artemisians to assume what must be their natural forms and that they weren't greeted by a gaggle of Douglases. Ey'd never seen Douglas, but it would have been unnerving and difficult to differentiate them. They'd even come wearing clothes—those who wore them, at least, this Iska and Artante Diria—which ey supposed they would appreciate. One of those benefits of System-to-System Ansibles that they'd enjoyed on their transit from Lagrange to LVs, as well. + +So it was that they found themselves lined up opposite their counterparts across the table from each other, exchanging their formal greetings. + +``\emph{Rehasiër munachla achles eslosam. Tapotevier les unachadev itek The-Only-Time-I-Know-My-True-Name-Is-When-I-Dream-am, True-Name itet.}'' The skunk bowed formally, deep and at the waist. + +The firstracer before her bowed its head, a movement that took place solely in the neck rather than the waist. ``Greetings, and thank you for letting us join you. I am acting in a leadership capacity as a representative from the Council of Eight, and my name is Turun Ka.'' + +Ey watched the exchange of greetings curiously, making note of what gestures were made, before bowing emself and saying, ``\emph{Rehasiër munachla echles eslosam. Tapotevier les unechrenum Codrin-Bălanam.}'' + +Turun Ko, opposite em, responded with a similar motion of raised head. ``Greetings-hello, thank-you-and-gratitude for allowing our delegation-emissaries. I act as observer-recorder and am called-named Turun Ko.'' + +Ey tilted eir head, noting the confusion on eir side of the table at the choppy, synonym-ridden greeting, filing away a question to ask of the recorder later. + +The greetings continued down the line. Tycho and Stolon greeted each other as scientists. Iska, who startled em in their resemblance to Debarre, and Why Ask Questions greeted each other, followed last of all by Artante Diria and Sarah. + +There was a small shuffle as the delegates from both craft sat at the table, Iska politely requesting that their chair be raised and the surface area made smaller so that they could more effectively reach the table, which True Name accomplished with a gesture. Both Turun Ka and Turun Ko set their chairs aside and squatted down on their haunches before the table instead. + +``Thank you once again, and welcome to this convergence,'' Turun Ka said. Its voice was pleasantly musical. ``It is a pleasure to meet those who are new and different from us, and we are always grateful when luck and chance allow us to do so.'' + +True Name nodded, a hint of a bow from where she sat. ``Thank you for joining us. We welcome you to the Launch Vehicle Castor. We are honored to have you aboard. If you need anything at all, please do not hesitate to ask me, as I bear full ACLs for the sim. You will find your rest area down there—'' She gestured with a paw toward one of the hallways. ``—where you will have limited ACLs that will allow you to modify many of the objects there and will allow you to fork once.'' + +The reactions around the table were mixed. Turun Ka and Turun Ko remained impassive—they seemed to move only with intent, and when not required, they were as stationary as statues. Stolon tilted their head in a quizzical manner. Iska's expression was hard to read, but were ey pressed to put a name to it, ey would have called it startled, or perhaps unnerved. Given the similarities of her features to the humans around the table, Artante looked quite pleased. + +``There will be no time skew?'' Iska asked, voice high pitched, each word dipping in tone. + +``We were not able to accommodate that, no.'' + +``You appear-seem displeased or uncomfortable,'' Turun Ko said, head pointing down the table toward Why Ask Questions. ``Can you explain if able or comfortable?'' + +She looked over to True Name, who gave a small nod of permission. + +``Some of us here on the System do not feel comfortable with unbounded time,'' she said. ``We will discuss more as the meeting continues.'' + +``\emph{Aën,}'' it said. \emph{Okay.} + +After a moment's silence, the skunk continued. ``Per our agreement, this meeting here on Castor will be focused on knowledge-share surrounding the topics of linguistics and science, with particular attention to astronomy and spaceflight, while those aboard Artemis will focus on society, politics, and psychology. I would like to open with a round of free questioning, if you are amenable, in order to find a few examples for which directions to take the meeting in moving forward. Do you agree?'' + +``Yes,'' Turun Ka said. ``One question per delegate should be an appropriate way to begin. I invite you to ask first, leader True Name.'' + +The response was quick in coming. ``We have divided civilizations up into a range of classes depending on their energy usage: planet scale, planetary system scale, and interplanetary scale. At what stage were each of your races, and, if you have ran across any additional races, at what scale did they work?'' + +``Our race lived at the scale of planetary system,'' it replied. ``We appear the way we do in our post-biological state in order to survive in a variety of environments beyond those of our world-of-origin.'' + +``\emph{Lu,}'' Stolon said, speaking slowly. ``Planetary scale for us. For other three races.'' + +True Name glanced to Codrin, ensuring that ey was taking notes. ``Thank you. Would you like to go next, leader Turun Ka?'' + +``Yes. By what means do you collect the materials needed for your civilization, whether for the embodied world or this one?'' + +``Mining on our planet and our planet's moon,'' the skunk said after a moment's thought. ``As well as limited mining of asteroids at stationary points of orbit.'' + +``You call Lagrange point, \emph{ka?}'' Stolon asked. + +She nodded. ``Correct.'' + +``We saw\ldots{}\emph{lu\ldots{}}'' They chattered their teeth for a moment, then looked to Iska. ``\emph{Baenå' luta' `esbrohakadåt'?}'' + +``Space-constructs,'' they said, filling in. ``We saw constructs of various size at your planet-moon and planet-star Lagrange points.'' + +True Name stiffened, but any response she might have had was preempted by Tycho. The astronomer, who had appeared largely overwhelmed by the meeting to date had steadily grown more excited during the questioning phase. ``You did? How? Radio? When did you see them? During gravity assist? How--'' + +``Tycho, hold up,'' Sarah said, laughing. ``There will be time.'' + +Stolon, meanwhile, was clacking claw-tipped fingers against the table and bobbing their head. ``\emph{Za lutatier! Za, za,}'' they said quickly. ``Will say, will say. Excited also, scientist Tycho.'' + +Codrin grinned, scribbling further notes in eir notebook. Ey was pleased to see that there was also excitement around the table, rather than simply anxiety. + +``Scientist Stolon, please answer scientist Tycho's question regarding how,'' Turun Ka said, voice bouncing through tones. + +\emph{Amusement, perhaps?} Codrin thought. The atmosphere certainly seemed to have lightened. + +``Radio emanations, \emph{anem.} Too far for visible light, useless light.'' + +Tycho grinned, nodded. ``Apologies, that will be my question, then.'' + +``I ask,'' Stolon said. ``How launched vehicle? We see also another, we learn language from.'' + +``A station—a construct, as you say—rotating with the Castor and Pollux launch vehicles at the end of long launch arms, released us at tangential velocity, then photon sails, Hall Effect engines, and gravity assists on our way out of the system.'' + +``You move not so fast, \emph{ka?} Conserve fuel?'' They chattered their teeth again. ``Sorry sorry, will ask again soon.'' + +``I am pleased to see the scientists excited,'' Turun Ka said. ``Recorder Codrin Bălan? Recorder Turun Ko?'' + +When Turun Ko did not speak, Codrin asked, ``Does your system allow you to forget?'' + +``Memories degrade-rot,'' the other recorder said. ``Saves-preserves storage. Garbage collection process trims-prunes old-unaccessed memories.'' + +Both True Name and Sarah reached for their pens to make note of the answer. + +Codrin smiled and nodded eir thanks. + +``Recorder Codrin Bălan, do your bodies-physical-forms continue to live after embedding-uploading of consciousness?'' + +Ey shook eir head. Realizing that the gesture may not translate, ey said, ``No, they are destroyed in the process of uploading. Or embedding, as you say.'' + +Both Iska and Artante Diria took notes of this answer. + +``I have a question,'' Sarah said, when the silence drew out. ``Do you have the concept of mental illness? Depression, disordered thinking, disconnect from reality?'' + +``Yes,'' Artante Diria said. ``We have not discovered a means of removing such after embedding. I will ask next. I infer that you have not either. What treatments do you have for mental illness?'' + +``Talk therapy, mostly. If one is careful, one can reduce the effects by forking with intent to change, though this can have complex effects on other parts of the personality. It's come up in the past with the--'' + +Why Ask Questions rested a hand gently on Sarah's forearm. Both she and True Name were frowning. + +``We will discuss later, perhaps.'' + +``Yes, in time,'' the Odist said. ``For my question, I would like to know how you manage linguistic drift.'' + +Iska straightened up. ``Our common tongue began primarily that of secondrace, of my race, but has incorporated many aspects of other languages. Languages within each race, including for pure \emph{Nanon}, the basis of our common tongue, are uncontrolled, but common tongue is managed via central authority.'' + +``Thank you, representative Iska.'' + +``I will ask the final question,'' they said. ``You say that we will have the ability to fork. Is there not risk of divergence?'' + +True Name answered, ``There is. Why Ask Questions is a fork from me, and I am in turn a fork from the root instance, Michelle Hadje. We have individuated in the last two hundred twenty-odd years.'' + +That unnerved, anxious expression returned to the secondracer's face, but they bowed their head all the same. ``\emph{Aët.} Thank you.'' + +Standing, True Name bowed deeply once more. ``Thank you once again for joining us. Let us retire to our rest areas to compare notes and strategize, then reconvene in one hour's time to begin in earnest.'' + +Both delegations stood and returned their acknowledging gestures, whatever they might be, and each walked toward their respective rest areas. + +``What do you think?'' Why Ask Questions asked. ``Real or dream?'' + +Tycho frowned. ``It's too early to--'' + +True Name elbowed him in the side and laughed. ``She is being a brat. Do not fall for her trap.'' + +``Yeah, yeah, fuck you too,'' the other Odist said, grinning. ``Do keep an eye out, though, my dear. We must act as though they are real for now, and we must not lose focus on the talks, but the answer may well be relevant later.'' + +``Do not confuse our scientist, please,'' the skunk said mildly, then winked to Tycho. + +If the comment had been meant to reassure Tycho, it fell flat. The astronomer's look of confusion only deepened. + +Codrin let the three pass em, catching Sarah's eye to walk slower. Once Tycho had wandered toward the coffee setup and the Odists were several paces ahead, heads together and talking quietly, ey asked, ``What do you make of it?'' + +She shrugged. ``I'm not sure yet. The questions were all reasonable, but I wasn't really able to figure out if there was a direction to them. The question about mental health seemed to be earnest, as though they were looking for an actual solution to the problem, while Stolon's question about launching was very to the point. Hard facts, that sort of thing.'' + +Ey nodded. + +``Weird that they'd ask about our bodies living on after uploading, though,'' Tycho said, coffee in hand. ``What could they possibly want with that knowledge?'' + +``Not sure,'' she said. ``Maybe trying to figure out incentives for uploading? I really don't know.'' + +``I'm feeling kind of lost after all that.'' Codrin sighed, hunting down the partitioned `room' ey'd claimed as eir own and stopping outside the door. ``It's overwhelming. I have no idea what avenues to go down from here. I want to ask why Turun Ko speaks the way it does, I want to ask about their opinions on forking, I want to ask all these questions, but I'm not sure how welcome that'll be in my role.'' + +``I don't know about that either, as representative. I hope I get to ask more. Though, well\ldots{}'' Sarah glanced over to where True Name and Why Ask Questions had sat at a table, still talking earnestly within a cone of silence. ``I don't know what's more interesting. The emissaries or the Odists.'' diff --git a/neviim/content/025.tex b/neviim/content/025.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..af0add5 --- /dev/null +++ b/neviim/content/025.tex @@ -0,0 +1,147 @@ +\hypertarget{tycho-braheartemis-2346}{% +\chapter{Tycho Brahe\#Artemis — 2346}} +\markboth{Tycho Brahe\#Artemis — 2346}{} + +\begin{center} +\emph{Convergence T-minus 3 days, 4 hours, 12 minutes} +\end{center} + +\noindent Tycho found himself focusing most on True Name after the long spate of introductions. + +A small part of him wondered at this. All four races of Artemisians sitting around the table with them were fascinating in their own way. Part of him wanted to get lost in exploring the intricacies of Turun Ka and Turun Ko. Another desperately wanted to learn as much as he could from Stolon despite the stated goal of focusing on social interactions and history for this instance of the meeting. + +And yet it was all so overwhelming. So much was happening all at once. So many things demanded his attention that the part of himself tasked with observing all but shut down, and instead he focused on True Name. + +Why Ask Questions—or perhaps Answers Will Not Help—had calmed down, at least to the point where she was able to sit still and look down at the table. Her introduction had been stammered and, after that, she had remained quiet and withdrawn. It seemed as though she was spending every joule of energy she had on remaining still, remaining herself. Even then, a wave of skunk would occasionally wash over her form and she would clench her eyes shut + +Codrin bore eir usual curious, attentive expression. Something about em seemed to suggest that, when working, ey became a camera of sorts, taking in all light, all sound, all sensation and storing it away for future reference. Even when the façade of work dropped, ey seemed built to witness. + +Sarah, too, wore a look of calm curiosity. He figured she would be, in her own way, working the hardest of the group. She was the one tasked with watching the ways in which the Artemisians acted, trying to deduce some clear picture of them as individuals and as a society. + +Tycho wished for that same sense of calm, of stability. + +And so, with the other emissaries well known and the Artemisians perhaps too interesting to look at, he focused on True Name. + +The skunk appeared to have an internal struggle of her own, not dissimilar from Why Ask Questions's/Answers Will Not Help's, but, as far as he could tell, she was better able to hold it at a distance, wrap it all up and set it down, observe rather than fight. Only twice that he had seen since they had gathered around the table had there been a wave of that human form of Michelle Hadje spreading across her features, but that was quickly mastered. + +\emph{How much must be going on beneath the surface?} he wondered. \emph{She seems like she's a hundred percent here, and yet there's still something deeper going on.} + +She caught him looking and gave him a wan smile, before addressing the table. ``I think that it would be beneficial if we were to know the specialties that everyone holds, as that might help us better understand the ways in which we speak.'' + +``By specialties,'' Artante said. ``You mean our primary areas of interest?'' + +True Name nodded. ``Yes.'' + +There was a brief blur around the Artemisians as, Tycho guessed, they shifted to fast time to discuss this. + +When they dropped back down to common time, Turun Ka tilted its snout up. ``We are amenable to this. By role, then, I act as leader for this delegation as well as a member of the Council of Eight, which serves in a leadership role for the collected societies here on what you call Artemis. My specialization is on interspecies communication.'' + +The skunk's ears flitted briefly as it spoke. ``Thank you, leader Turun Ka. For my part, I act as leader for this delegation. There is no central leadership for our System, but I am a member of a group of individuals and clades keenly interested in the stability and continuity of our society.'' She smiled, strain showing around her eyes. ``This was not always the case, as the System was originally guided by a group of individuals also known as the Council of Eight. This was disbanded two hundred years ago once the society reached equilibrium, but I was a member from start to end.'' + +The firstracer rocked its head from side to side in a gesture that Tycho supposed must be amusement of a sort. ``We share a commonality.'' + +True Name nodded. + +``I serve as recorder here,'' Codrin said when no one else spoke up. ``I am a historian and writer, and have often found myself taking part in large-scale events as an amanuensis so that I might witness and then write a coherent story after.'' + +``We are similar-alike, recorder Codrin Bălan,'' Turun Ko said. ``I serve and have served as observer-recorder since creation and launch of our vehicle-system. I specialize in creating stories-accounts-retellings of events so that others may listen-learn-understand. I am pleased to meet you.'' + +Codrin nodded to it, smiling. ``As am I.'' + +``I am named Stolon of thirdrace, of--'' The lizard made a sort of hissing, chittering noise. Their name for their own race, perhaps? ``I am specializing in astronomy and spaceflight. I dream of stars.'' + +Tycho sat up straight. Another astronomer! He couldn't have asked for better luck. ``Really? I'm an astronomer, too,'' he said, unable to keep the excitement out of his voice. ``That's the whole reason I came along on these launches in the first place. I wanted to see the stars. Where do you come from? How did you wind up out here?'' + +True Name frowned. ``One set of questions at a time, Dr.~Brahe. There will be a time for asking such as these.'' + +He sat back, chastened, but a glance at Stolon shared a similar sort of jittery excitement. They kept tapping and drumming their claws on the tabletop, forcing themself to stop, and then doing so again. He made a mental note to steal some time with the thirdracer. + +They continued around the table. + +``I am Iska of secondrace. I specialize in time skew artistry. I tell stories through the ways in which we move through time. I serve as representative for my race, but also as an artist who may come away with a story.'' + +Codrin laughed. ``How delightful.'' + +Iska cocked their head in a familiar gesture of confusion. + +``One of my partners—romantic partners, that is—is an instance artist. It performs art through the creative use of forking. It'll be pleased to hear that there is something analogous here.'' + +The secondracer bowed, their short ears canted back. ``We will have to share knowledge on this during our talks.'' + +Sarah spoke up next. ``I am a psychologist and therapist. I study the way people think and help them by listening. I have a particular interest in being here to see the ways in which we are similar or different in how we learn, solve problems, approach the world, and so on.'' + +Artante smiled. ``I serve a similar role, representative Sarah Genet. I listen and I talk and I help. That is my role here, as well. Iska will bring back the story, and I will aid in understanding.'' + +The two smiled at each other, both looking pleased. Tycho imagined they were feeling some of the same excitement that he was on learning that Stolon was a fellow astronomer. + +All eyes turned towards Why Ask Questions/Answers Will Not Help, who gave a weak shrug. ``You must forgive my state at the moment. I cannot speak without great effort. My focus is on politics.'' + +``The offer to hold further talks in a unison room remains available,'' Iska said. + +Why Ask Questions shook her head, though whether at the suggestion or out of the inability to speak, Tycho couldn't tell. + +They bowed their head. ``It will remain available. Please ask if you require. Time skew is a part of our existence, here, and has been since the first convergence. It is how we have managed to learn your language and prepare for your arrival. We work at a high positive skew.'' + +``We had wondered about that,'' Codrin said. ``Your reply to our letters was almost instantaneous. Even when we had several instances of a single individual working on a problem, we were slower.'' + +``Some problems are more difficult to work on in parallel than others,'' Artante said. + +``I suppose responding to a letter is one of those, yeah, unless it's responding to otherwise unconnected points in a letter.'' + +The fourthracer nodded. ``We were like you before we arrived. We had the concept of forking but not of time skew.'' + +Tycho kept waiting for True Name to interrupt, for her to tell them that they needed to stay on topic, but the skunk seemed interested enough in the topic to let it continue. + +``I would like to know more, representative Artante Diria.'' The skunk sat up straighter, quelling a wave of human form before continuing. ``When we fork, our new instances can quit and we are presented with their memories so that we may have the experiences of both instances should we choose. Is that how your system worked?'' + +``Similar, yes, though only if the fork was created from the current instant.'' + +True Name tilted her head, gestured for the representative to explain. + +Artante looked thoughtful as she continued, more slowly now. ``I could fork from who I am now and then be able to accept the memories of that instance without issue. If I were to fork from who I was five minutes ago, accepting those memories would be very difficult. Forking from more than a day in the past made accepting memories all but impossible.'' + +Stunned silence from the emissaries greeted this explanation. + +``Is there a portion of this that needs clarification?'' Artante asked, frowning. + +``We can only fork from the present. From the current instant, as you say,'' Codrin said. ``That's a fascinating idea, though. Do you know how it worked? If Dear—my instance artist partner, that is—could do that, it would open up worlds of possibilities to it.'' + +She bowed apologetically. ``It has been nearly a millennium since I have been able to fork, recorder Codrin Bălan, and even then, I was not very adept at it. In one of your letters, you discussed dissolution strategies; I was what you would call a tasker. I will ask another of my race for details after the conference.'' + +Codrin grinned and elbowed Tycho in the side. The astronomer rolled his eyes. + +``As am I,'' he said. ``Never got the hang of it, never really felt the need to.'' + +Artante laughed, nodded. He was pleased at the familiarity of her expressions. It made at least one of the Artemisians he could read. + +``How did you adapt to time skew?'' + +All heads turned toward Why Ask Questions. The question had been mumbled and quiet, but surprising coming from one who had been otherwise silent. + +``Many of us did not,'' Artante said. ``During our convergence, it was primarily those who would be labeled taskers who took part.'' + +``Did others have trouble like me?'' + +There was another brief blur from the Artemisians as they discussed among themselves. Tycho saw Codrin frown and make a note. + +\emph{That they needed to do that is probably telling,} he thought. + +``Not in the same fashion, but some experienced difficulties, yes.'' Artante hesitated, glanced at Turun Ka, and then continued. ``We have decided that it would be best to revisit this topic later on in our meeting, however, as we do not want to distract from other topics we must cover during our time together.'' + +Why Ask Questions/Answers Will Not Help nodded. ``Would appreciate that,'' she said, the words coming out slurred and elongated as she veered into and out of slow time. She seemed to be having an increasingly hard time remaining in common time, not to mention remaining in one form. ``Can we take a break for a few minutes?'' + +Turun Ka stood from where it had crouched. ``Yes. Please feel free to return to your rest area or a unison room for the next fifteen minutes common time, and then we shall reconvene.'' + +``Can we do so in a unison room?'' + +``Yes. Representative Iska will see to the arrangements. One of us will fetch the other emissaries to guide you back to the new meeting location.'' + +The soft-furred secondracer stood still for a moment, squinted. ``You should be locked to common time for the time being. It is very difficult to synchronize skew with you, though. I don't know why. I will contact a system technician during our break.'' + +``If I walk backward, time moves forward. If I walk forward, time rushes on,'' she gasped out, then laughed hoarsely. ``If I stand still, the world moves around me!'' + +True Name jolted at the brief recitation, standing quickly and taking her cocladist by the elbow. ``Come, my dear. Let us get to the room.'' + +Tycho looked to Codrin, who only frowned. + +Something had happened, just then. Something of import. He had no clue as to what it had been, though. Neither did he understand how he knew, he realized, but he knew that it was something distressing. Something wrong. diff --git a/neviim/content/026.tex b/neviim/content/026.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..461f6db --- /dev/null +++ b/neviim/content/026.tex @@ -0,0 +1,112 @@ +\hypertarget{ioan-bux103lan-2346}{% +\chapter{Ioan Bălan — 2346}} +\markboth{Ioan Bălan — 2346}{} + +\begin{center} +\emph{Convergence T-plus 28 days, 19 hours, 29 minutes}\\ +\emph{(Castor--Lagrange transmission delay: 30 days, 14 hours, 36 minutes)} +\end{center} + +\noindent May made it through dinner—Ioan was heartened to see that she'd actually eaten all of the chicken soup ey'd made—before padding off to a beanbag to curl up. She kept up a conversation for a few minutes while Ioan cleaned, but even that tapered off to silence. When next ey looked back, the skunk was asleep. + +Every time ey'd left her to sleep out on the beanbag in the past, though, she'd spent the next day disoriented and moody—ey suspected this was part of what she'd meant when she said she slept better next to someone all those years ago—so once ey finished the (unnecessary but meditative) task of cleaning, ey knelt beside the beanbag, wormed eir arms beneath her, and scooped her up. + +She made a sort of drowsy chirping noise as ey lifted her, hugging her arms around eir shoulders for the short journey to the bedroom. Long as her tail was, ey had to be careful not to step on any of her fur with it hanging limply, almost to the ground. + +Once there, ey helped her out of her clothes, unsteady as she was, and then tucked her into bed, leaning down to put a kiss on her cheek. + +``Ioan?'' + +``Yes?'' + +``Can you stay?'' + +Ey nodded, forking off a copy to finish cleaning up and taking notes. After a few minutes of eir own bedtime routine, ey slipped into bed with her. Ey was certainly tired enough, ey realized. + +And so now, back at home, back in their own bed, alone together, May and Ioan had the conversation ey felt they truly needed. They talked quietly, almost \emph{sotto voce}, now that it was dark and comfortable and they were no longer surrounded by the loud, raucous colors of Douglas's field. They shared their kisses, their small touches. They reaffirmed, in so many small, unspoken ways, their love for each other, and they talked. + +``What do you think they are learning?'' May murmured, nose-tip poking up against Ioan's chin. + +Ey had to speak carefully to respond, lest ey bump her snout. ``Who can say? Perhaps they are learning, perhaps they are teaching.'' + +``Poetic.'' + +``There are Odists involved, it's going to be poetic through and through.'' + +She laughed and poked em in the belly with a claw. ``Jerk.'' + +``That's me, yeah,'' ey said, grinning and nudging her muzzle this way and that with eir chin. ``The Odists are learning how to manipulate new species. Tycho's learning about the stars. I can't speak to Sarah, but Codrin is along for the ride.'' + +``Did ey have much more to say about eir doubts?'' + +``A little. Ey's still feeling more caught up in the events than an actual participant, but I think ey's also starting to look for ways out of the cycle. I don't know if ey has picked up any specific ideas on how to take charge, but that ey has decided to do something in the first place is change enough.'' + +The skunk nodded. ``You are a careful lot, but it is nice to see when you do become more assertive.'' + +``We lack your flair,'' ey said, ruffling up some of her fur. + +``I also enjoy that, do not get me wrong. Not everything needs flair.'' She perked up, dotted her nose against eir chin, and asked, ``You said something about time modification earlier, but I was distracted and did not think to ask about it. What does that mean?'' + +``Oh, right. It sounds like the Artemisians don't fork, and instead rely on the ability to change how fast they experience time. Individuals or groups can speed up their perception so that the world around them seems to slow down, that sort of thing.'' + +There was a long moment's silence, and were it not for the shallowness of her breathing, ey might have thought May had fallen asleep. Eventually, she whispered, ``I do not like that.'' + +Ioan dipped eir chin enough to bump eir nose against hers. ``Codrin said Dear got quite upset about it, too. It warned em that there would be two Odists among the emissaries and that ey should watch out.'' + +She remained still, no reciprocating press of nose to nose. She continued in her whisper. ``Once, when I was in school, I performed in a play that used the works of Emily Dickinson throughout. I still remember it. Time feels so vast that were if not For an Eternity— I fear me this Circumference Engross my Finity—'' + +Ey remained quiet as ey mulled over the words. The archaic language felt opaque to em, but, as ey prowled through synonyms, ey began to piece together meaning. ``You've mentioned eternity before in the context of getting lost. This sounds almost relieved, though, that eternity exists, lest everything get too overwhelming.'' + +``There was no eternity in there, Ioan. Time was beyond vast. I \emph{was} engrossed. There was no me left. When we were pulled out, we were finally confronted with eternity again.'' + +``\,`We'?'' + +May took a while to respond. ``Michelle and the author of the Ode.'' + +Ey nodded, letting the comment about the Name slip by, asking instead, ``And being stuck in a place with malleable time would bring back a lot of that?'' + +``Yes. Codrin is right to be careful. The clade struggles enough with stability as it is.'' She broke the tension of the moment by licking eir chin. ``On a happier note, In Dreams mentioned a hypothesis about the struggles we've had with memory.'' + +``Oh?'' + +``Well, happier for the System, if not for us. I guess she has hunted down some other clades that have been having problems. She says there are uniting factors, such as a weaker boundary between subconscious and conscious, a greater sense of the numinous, and so on. I am too sleepy to remember the details, but she is looking into it.'' The skunk giggled. ``She says we should get therapy.'' + +``Oh, you definitely should,'' ey teased. ``Maybe this Sarah Genet is still on Lagrange. That's what she does.'' + +``She is a therapist?'' + +Ey nodded. + +A moment's hesitation, and then May nodded. ``I let In Dreams know.'' + +``Good. The more minds working on this, the better.'' + +``Are you really that worried, my dear?'' + +Ey frowned, shrugged. ``That's part of it. More, I just feel helpless. I'm not worried about you going sideways any time soon, honestly, and certainly hope you don't at all, but should that happen, watching helplessly would be\ldots well, it's a big fear of mine.'' + +May hugged herself closer to em, snout once again ducking beneath eir chin. ``I understand. I am stuck with the related fear of losing control. I do not like the feeling of not being in control of my emotions, even for these brief periods, but if that were to just become my life\ldots{}'' + +After she trailed off, ey tightened eir arms around her, brushing fingertips through fur. + +They lay like that in the quiet and the dark. Eir fork apparently finished up with eir notes and quit, but given the topics of conversation and lack of any insistence on behalf of the instance, ey declined to accept the merge. Ey did not want to be distracted from the simple task of petting May, of enjoying the feeling of having her back. + +``May?'' + +The skunk poked her nose against eir collarbone. ``Mm?'' She sounded half asleep. + +``I really can't lose you. You know that right?'' Ey felt her tense in eir arms, but continued, ``I said ages ago that I'm not built for a life with death in it. That's why I'm here. That's why I uploaded in the first place, to get away from that.'' + +``Ioan,'' she said, voice hoarse. ``I already--'' + +``I know, you already promised. I believe you. I'm not trying to berate you, I'm trying to say I love you.'' + +``Ioan Bălan, if you make me cry again, I will smother you in your sleep.'' + +Ey laughed. ``It sounds like it's already too late.'' + +``Thin fucking ice, buddy.'' May sniffled and squirmed around until she could tuck back against eir front. ``I love you too, my dear, top to bottom and front to back.'' + +As ey settled in for sleep, kissing the backs of the skunk's ears, ey marveled that ey could only \emph{remember} the Ioan who never thought to form attachments, who could never remember to ask May if they were in a relationship, who continually wondered how she wound up in eir life, could only remember em as some other person. Ey could only remember em as though from a distance. That Ioan was gone. Ey had slipped away into the past while the Ioan ey was now wasn't looking, and had never come back. Ey wished em luck, this younger version of emself. Ey wished em happiness and fulfillment. And, should that Ioan ever find emself struck by the wonder of love, ey wished em courage in the face of it. + +This Ioan, the one ey was now, understood the value in attachments, and yet ey could still marvel, twenty years on, at just how much more complete ey was with May in eir life. diff --git a/neviim/content/027.tex b/neviim/content/027.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d6a7db3 --- /dev/null +++ b/neviim/content/027.tex @@ -0,0 +1,101 @@ +\hypertarget{codrin-bux103lanartemis-2346}{% +\chapter{Codrin Bălan\#Artemis — 2346}} +\markboth{Codrin Bălan\#Artemis — 2346}{} + +\begin{quote} +\emph{Convergence T-minus 2 days, 20 hours, 37 minutes} +\end{quote} + +\noindent Codrin\#Artemis, + +I am finding myself overwhelmed by the strangeness of the goings on during this whole venture. I know that you have it worse, given the fact that you are having to deal with meeting four alien races as well as experiencing an entirely new system, complete with an entirely new take on reality. + +Still, this remains strange for me. I'm curious to hear what sort of information you are getting from the social and political side of the talks, as I think it will help me form a more coherent picture of the Artemisians so that I may ask better questions when I'm so very, very out of my league, here on the science side. I asked True Name about this, and she just shrugged and said, ``So long as you do not forget what we are here for in the DMZ, I see no reason to prevent knowledge sharing.'' + +First, here is what we are finding, seen through the eyes of the scientifically inept: + +\begin{itemize} +\tightlist +\item + Iska is quite upset about the lack of ``time skew'', as they call it, and has stated that they refuse the single fork they're permitted in their rest area. They have not elaborated on this, but I find it interesting that skew, this scientific feat that they have accomplished, is so thoroughly ingrained in their society (secondrace has been on Artemis for nigh on four millennia by now) that dissolution seems alien or even abhorrent to them. I know that forking is integral to our society, but it does make me wonder if it has reached that point yet. Dear would be furious without it, of course, but would that sentiment be universal after only 231 years? Are you missing it? Are the Odists? +\item + Stolon and Tycho are so happy to have met each other that both parties have had to shush them on several occasions. I would prefer to let them have at it, but I do also understand the desire to talk about sciences \emph{other} than astronomy and spaceflight. Why Ask Questions is our biologist and linguist here, and she has been the other primary participant, speaking mostly with Iska and Turun Ka. +\item + Artante and Sarah are almost as perfectly aligned as Tycho and Stolon; they are both psychologists, though it sounds like the Artemisians' approach to such bears some striking differences. Notably, there are some time-related disorders that have largely gone over my head (something about ``lacking a feel for common time'' and ``unison rooms''? Perhaps you can enlighten me), and there are some approaches that Sarah has found interesting, including forms of proactive therapy using, you guessed it, time. Something about practicing through skew, making time to take time. +\item + It is almost impossible to get a read on the firstracers. It's not just that they do not have facial expressions, so much as their penchant for absolute stillness unless a gesture is required (I've begun cataloguing these: uplifted head = nod; head tilt = shrug; chin tilted far down, exposed neck = bow; turning head far to the side = frustration, maybe?). This has led to some frustration, primarily on True Name's part. Ioan's mentioned in the past that May Then My Name calls the root of her skill a sort of `registering', as though she's gotten very good at figuring out what her `target' needs in order to be convinced. Sounds like she's struggling to use that to her full abilities, here. +\item + Turun Ko and I have been getting on quite well. I asked it about its speaking style (which, in case the same is not true over there, includes lots of synonyms strung together throughout its speech). At first, I thought this was a way to find a more exact wording for a concept, but the more I listened, the less I thought that was the case. Why Ask Questions suggested that it might be trying to fit the ambiguities of their \emph{lingua franca} to ours. When asked, though, it said that it was a deliberate effort on its part to remain in the mindset of an Artemisian (they've adopted that word quite readily) in order to better record from an Artemisian point of view. I don't think we'll be struggling with this much, as we haven't learned their language well enough to think like them. It says that it will complete the learning process after the convergence ``depending-relying on outcomes'', on which it would not elaborate. +\item + I've read that it was speculated that most cases involving contact from an extraterrestrial species would take part on the visiting culture's terms, given that anyone who has made it far enough in their social and technological development to reach us will be beyond what we have accomplished, so at least we've confirmed that. +\item + On that note, everyone seems to have learned our common tongue quite well \emph{except} Stolon. Don't tell Tycho, but I think the similarities between them run quite deep. Neither of them seem particularly interested in language except inasmuch as it allows them to better talk about astronomy. +\end{itemize} + +\pagebreak Now, for my questions: + +\begin{itemize} +\tightlist +\item + Given Dear's reaction, how are TN/WAQ taking to this ``time skew''? Not well, I imagine. Dear sounded worried for us (which I suppose is its job); are you or any of the other emissaries in danger? TN says she has received a message from her counterpart already, but gave no indication as to its content. +\item + Tycho is in his element here, but Iska seems relatively out of theirs. I imagine Iska is doing better on their home turf, but is Stolon put out by the relative paucity of scientific conversation, as Tycho said he would be? +\item + How are you all taking to time skew? I'd like to know more specifics of the mechanics and social implications so that I can understand Iska's reticence better. +\item + The Artemisians ask for regular breaks, where they always retreat back to their rest area. Probably five minutes every half hour. When asked, Turun Ko said, ``Consensus synchronization, planning-strategizing responses,'' by which I infer that they are used to being able to step aside for conversations to ensure they are all on the same page. Does that hold true there? TN is currently instructing them on the use of cones of silence to see if that helps. +\item + How are you liking it? Other than the inability to fork, I'm taken by the relatively prosaic nature of the talks, incomprehensibility aside. Do you like it there? +\item + What do you think, are we just dreaming this all up? +\end{itemize} + +Codrin\#Assist, pass on my love back home. + +— Codrin\#Castor + +\begin{center}\rule{0.5\linewidth}{0.5pt}\end{center} + +\noindent Codrin\#Castor + +When I first got your note, I was worried that I'd not have time to squeeze in a response, until I remembered the tools at my disposal. This keeps happening over here. I'll find myself feeling rushed to complete something, then remember ``oh, wait, I'll just move to fast-time, and then I can do whatever I want.'' I even got some writing done during our rests. As such, you'll probably get this seconds after you sent your letter, modulo transmission time. + +Talks are going somewhat slower here than I think anyone expected. The Artemisians are incredibly patient with all of us, though, for which we're grateful. + +The reasons for this are almost entirely up to the Odists. True Name and Why Ask Questions are both struggling with the time skew, WAQ more so than TN. Michelle quit forty years ago, and since then, I've not seen the shifting of form that she struggled with. + +WAQ, however, immediately fell back into that. She's hardly spoken at all, and looks to be continually on the verge of getting sick or losing control completely. She seems to be able to either speak \emph{or} maintain her form but not both, and even then, it comes at a dear price. When outside unison rooms (see below), she has a very hard time remaining in common time. Often, the best she can manage is to stay within ±1 of it. + +TN is also struggling, though to a lesser extent. She is striving to remain as in control as she can, but there will still be the occasional silence as she is overcome, as was Michelle. During these, she will clench her fists or grit her teeth, and there will be the occasional glimmer of Michelle in there. As such, this has put a damper on our discussion, though, to Dear's worries, no, we don't seem to be in any danger. + +To that end, we've moved the talks to a unison room. These rooms ensure that everyone within them remains synchronized to the same time skew, though the room itself can skew faster or slower than common time (which, I'm assured, is the same as ours, based on similar constants; managing time skew feels much like most System interactions such as forking or traveling, and common time feels like a pin in a lock clicking into place as you skew faster or slower). To that end, the unison room (or wing, perhaps) has become TN/WAQ's rest area while the other three of us have our original room. I don't know what to call it. Phasic room? They haven't been able to provide an answer because it's just ``the rest of the world'' to them. + +As you mention, Iska is somewhat out of their element because of this. They're a skew artist, analogous to Dear's instance artistry. They seem uncomfortable in a unison room, though they remain very polite about it. + +To your question about breaks, you're right that they are used to stepping away to talk about something before providing an answer. Before our shift to the unison room, they would readily shift up to fast time to discuss topics. After about a relative skew of ±1 (moving twice as fast/slow as common time), sound does not transmit to others, so it acts as a cone of silence, in that sense. Tangentially, I've found that touch also does not transmit well after skew ±0.5, probably to prevent injuries. + +Tycho and Stolon are, as you suspected, quite frustrated with the lack of scientific discussion going on. Several times during breaks, they've shifted to fast time to get as much chatting in as they can. Tycho honestly seems quite fascinated by Stolon, and I suspect he's found a kindred spirit, though he has expressed some frustration about their lack of mastery over our common tongue. He said that they're both studying during their breaks in order to better converse. + +All in all, though, I quite like it here. It is very different, and I find myself missing my family (and the food!) quite a bit, but honestly? I am also finding that I truly enjoy time skew. Codrin\#Assist, don't tell Dear this. + +In terms of knowledge share, you're spot on in much of what you bring up. The firstracers are hard to read, as you say, though you can add `rocking head side to side = amusement' to your list. You don't mention much about Iska, but they're really quite nice after one gets past the clipped nature of their speech. I like them plenty. + +Artante is curious. Her mannerisms are incredibly familiar, which I originally chalked up to the similarity in phsyiology, but it's come to light during discussions that she has picked up an obsession with the media that was embedded in the Dreamer Module broadcast. She's watched all of the videos several times over (more than seventy hours worth!) and listened to all of the audio enough to know how things sound (Iska's speech is clipped, I've mentioned, and occasionally misses intonation around questions/commas \emph{qua} pauses/etc., and the firstracers' melodious speech often sounds more like singing than speaking). She and Sarah have had much to talk about, though both leaders nudge them often back to sociology and psychology as it relates to political systems, rather than therapeutic applications of forking or whatever. We'll have to ask them how she got that video within a system after this is over. 230+ years and you'd think they would've figured that out on our end by now. Ah well, engineers and their priorities. + +TN here struggles with the 1racers lack of expression, though I had been chalking much of that up to her struggles with skew until you mentioned it. There have been a few misses in the conversation, where the two leaders will wind down a conversational blind alley and have to back up to the point where they turned the wrong corner. So patient is Turun Ka that this has been all the more frustrating for us, as it's difficult to tear down the assumptions that we've built up in the interim. Now that I say that, though, perhaps it is also frustrating for it, too, we just can't tell. + +Are we dreaming it? With how dreadfully immediate everything has felt, if we are, it is closer to a nightmare than a dream. Given what is happening with the Odists, I'll stick with TN's original assessment: the chance isn't zero, but it is small. + +Anyway, I should head back to common time and catch up with Sarah before we head back to it. I want to make sure we talk more about the reasons why they picked `recorder' as a required\pagebreak~profession for this meeting. If it's about telling stories, I'm all for it. + +\begin{center} +\textbf{BĂLAN CLADE-EYES-ONLY MATERIAL} +\end{center} + +\indent Codrin\#Assist, pass on my love. Can you also check my work with Dear? I think I remember that Why Ask Questions Here At The End Of All Things was initially forked to shape sentiment sys-side during Secession, and that Why Ask Questions When The Answers Will Not Help was forked to shape sentiment outside the System. Is this correct? I've only met the two of them recently, so I'm unsure how that plays out in their social interactions. + +\begin{center} +\textbf{END BĂLAN CLADE-EYES-ONLY MATERIAL} +\end{center} + +Thanks for acting as go-between for us. It'd be nice to be able to send a message directly to \#Castor, but alas, DMZ. diff --git a/neviim/content/028.tex b/neviim/content/028.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..fcf62ee --- /dev/null +++ b/neviim/content/028.tex @@ -0,0 +1,143 @@ +\hypertarget{tycho-brahecastor-2346}{% +\chapter{Tycho Brahe\#Castor — 2346}} +\markboth{Tycho Brahe\#Castor — 2346}{} + +\begin{center} +\emph{Convergence T-minus 2 days, 19 hours, 3 minutes} +\end{center} + +\noindent ``Do you eat?'' Why Ask Questions asked. ``We should probably wrap up shortly for rest, but if you feel the need to eat, we can ensure that you are able to do so.'' + +Turun Ko tilted its head to the side. ``Is eating required-necessary for proper function?'' + +She shook her head. ``Not at all, no, but it is a comforting thing for us, so the ability to do so is present.'' + +The two firstracers turned their heads to the side in a negative. Artante bowed. ``I would appreciate the ability to do so.'' + +``The same, \emph{ka,}'' Stolon added. + +Why Ask Questions nodded and stood. ``I will provide a short primer if you need. Otherwise, shall we reconvene in nine hours? This will allow us time to recuperate.'' + +``Ten hours would be preferable,'' Iska said. + +``Can arrange sleeping area?'' Stolon appeared concerned, adding, ``Require additional warmth.'' + +The rest of the table got to their feet while True Name said, ``Of course. We will endeavor to make your stay pleasant. Why Ask Questions and I hold ACLs to this sim, including for your rest area. If you will permit us to enter, we will make any changes required.'' + +Tycho watched as the Odists and Artemisians disappeared around the corner—and for several seconds after. It felt as though his eyes had been locked into place there, no matter how much he wanted to turn around and hunt down a chair more comfortable than those around the table. + +``Tycho? Coming?'' + +He jolted, forced himself to look away, and smiled to Sarah, abashed. ``Yeah, sorry. Guess I'm kind of beat.'' He rubbed his hands over his face, ground the heels of his palms against his eyes. ``Lead the way, I guess.'' + +They trudged off to the room, stepping around the corner in time to catch a second Codrin handing Codrin\#Castor a few sheets of paper. Ey waved. + +``Any news you'd like me to forward on to your \#Artemis instances?'' + +``Oh, uh.'' Tycho frowned. ``Not really, I guess. If you're sending notes. I guess just wish them well. I hope Tycho\#Artemis is getting a chance to talk with Stolon. They seem neat.'' + +Ey grinned, nodded. ``Lots of time, from the sound of it. Ey'll tell you more,'' ey said, gesturing toward Codrin\#Castor. I'm just the messenger, though. I only get a few minutes here at a time.'' + +``I won't keep you,'' Sarah said. ``But if you could send the other me a note asking about the overall mood and sentiment over there, I'd be grateful.'' + +Codrin\#Assist hesitated, a look Tycho couldn't puzzle out crossing eir face. Finally, ey nodded. ``I will, but you will find much of interest in Codrin's letter. I'll leave it up to \#Castor's discretion to share, though.'' + +Codrin\#Castor frowned, flipping through the pages of the letter ey'd received. ``We'll find some time to talk, yeah. Thank you, \#Assist. I'll have another letter for you in the morning.'' + +Ey bowed and disappeared back through the DMZ barrier. + +``Complicated stuff happening over there?'' Tycho asked. + +``Very, but\ldots well, let me digest this a bit before sharing. Should eat, too.'' + +He nodded and headed over to the buffet table lining one wall, poking around through the dishes on offer. He settled on a simple sandwich, and the three of them sat at the dining table to eat in a bit of blessed silence. + +Once they were finished, Sarah asked, ``It's only fair that I ask you as well as the emissaries. How are you feeling about things so far?'' + +When Codrin didn't respond, Tycho shrugged. ``Overwhelmed, still. I really like Stolon, and kind of wish I could just talk with them for a while instead of working through this whole process.'' + +``Maybe we can figure out how to do break-out meetings or something.'' + +``I guess, yeah. See if we can beg time and space for our one fork each. Still, I understand the reason for things working the way they do. We're not having an astronomy conference.'' + +Sarah laughed. ``That might be easier, yes. Certainly easier to connect on sciences than the social side.'' + +``You seem to be connecting quite well with Artante,'' Codrin said once ey'd finished the salad ey'd settled on. ``And it sounds like the same is true on Artemis.'' + +``Oh? Does it sound like much the same dynamic over there?'' + +``Well, for us three, yes. For the Odists, no. It seems like--'' Ey cut emself off, averting eir gaze from the entry as True Name and Why Ask Questions came in. + +Neither looked happy. They paused their rather heated discussion and served themselves dinner before making their way over to True Name's partitioned-off rest area. Before sliding the screen shut, the skunk nodded to Codrin. ``You may share, Mx.~Bălan. If you already know, then there is no harm in the others knowing, too. Perhaps Ms.~Genet will have some insight, as well.'' + +With that, the screen slid shut and the room went silent, the two Odists apparently having set up a cone of silence. + +``Well\ldots{}'' Ey shrugged. ``I guess I'll just read you the pertinent parts. There's some clade-eyes-only stuff, so I'd prefer not to just hand it over.'' + +Once ey had finished explaining what Michelle went through and describing the situation aboard Artemis, the three sat in silence. + +``Well, I guess that explains their sour mood,'' Sarah said at last. ``That rather changes things, doesn't it?'' + +``How?'' Tycho asked. ``Or, well, how do you mean? The mechanics have changed over there, but I'm guessing you mean something more subtle.'' + +She nodded. ``It's no longer an even playing ground on Artemis. Our leadership role is acting in reduced capacity and it sounds like one of our representatives has been all but taken out by the time skew.'' + +He sat back in his chair, feeling marginally more human now that he'd eaten. He tried to picture how this must look given the spotty descriptions provided in the letter and the few details Codrin had seemed willing to fill in. + +None of that seemed to jive with his experience with any of the Odists he'd met until now. Dear was weird, sure, but even it seemed to be completely in control of itself—more so than most anyone he'd met, at that. To think of True Name as being barely able to hold it together and Why Ask Questions all but non-functional beggared the imagination. + +``It's weird,'' he said, looking up to the ceiling. ``I almost wish I was over there. I mean, don't get me wrong, I feel sorry for True Name and Why Ask Questions, but the ability to literally steal some time to have a conversation sounds completely up my alley. Way more than forking, honestly.'' + +``Well, when Tycho\#Artemis returns, you'll at least get to remember that.'' + +He laughed. ``I guess, yeah. I'm eager to hear what all they've been learning. It's been interesting hearing what I can. I don't have the eye for learning styles that either of you two do, so I'm missing out on that aspect, but even just hearing information about their gravity assist and how much they were able to learn about us as they zipped through our system was surprising. They ignored Lagrange and Earth entirely, and didn't bother with Pollux, since it was easier to align with us, anyway. It makes them seem like past masters at this, even if it's only the fourth time they've done this `convergence' thing. Makes sense, though. Earth wouldn't hold much interest for an LV that can't even access it, and they're not going to stop to deal with the Lagrange System if they have access to us. Who knows, maybe they've gone past way more civilizations than those on Artemis, we just happened to meet the criteria. True Name mentioned that maybe rather than energy usage, a better measure of how advanced a civilization is would be whether or not they've invented uploading.'' + +Codrin had started jotting down notes part way through, nodding. ``These are good questions to be asking. We'll have to find a way to work them in. I'll send them over to Artemis in the morning, too, so that the other Codrin can ask, as well.'' + +He nodded. + +``You mention that some portions of life on Artemis are appealing to you,'' Sarah said after a healthy pause. ``Is that more positive than you were feeling about them before?'' + +``I guess,'' he hazarded. ``I was more afraid of them, perhaps, but in that way that one is afraid of the unknown at one's doorstep. Afraid of the dark rather than afraid of monsters.'' + +Codrin grinned. ``Well put.'' + +``But now, well\ldots I know I'm not supposed to anthropomorphize them, but having met them, they're a lot less scary because there are still similarities between us. They breathe. They sleep. They get frustrated. That, combined with the appeal of time skew over forking, has me feeling much more curious than anxious.'' + +``It's almost impossible not to anthropomorphize to at least some extent,'' Sarah said, nodding. ``It's just how our minds work. I'll agree with you on that, though; even though they are still worlds different from us, it's not like we totally lack commonalities. Most of the differences seem to be surface ones, actually. Gestures and body language are foreign, but the number of truly fundamental differences in how we think has been pretty low so far, and mostly restricted to the two firstracers.'' + +``They do seem to be operating on a different level,'' Codrin said. ``I think if they had expressive faces, True Name would like them immensely.'' + +She nodded, then asked, ``Has your opinion of them changed?'' + +Ey shrugged. ``Not particularly. I am curious about this time skew thing, but not nearly to the extent that Tycho is. I think it's tempered by being in a relationship with an Odist. It'd be fascinating, but Dear will never be able to experience it, or at least never agree to. I still bear a lot of the same anxieties, but I'm getting more comfortable with the process, because this role is familiar to me, at least.'' + +``Doing a job you know how to do?'' + +Ey nodded. ``It's my job to observe, to take in information and form it into something coherent.'' + +``Which is fascinating to me,'' she said, sounding excited. ``It's got me thinking about how I approach this, too.'' + +Eir smile was weak. ``I enjoy it when I'm in the middle of it, but it's hard not to feel like I lack agency, sometimes. After more than a hundred years, that part is starting to get old.'' + +``Looking forward to something new after this?'' Tycho asked. + +Ey shrugged noncommittally. + +``Well, I'll learn from you while I can,'' Sarah said. ``And if you need any help or anything, or want me to spell you for a bit, I'll do what I can.'' + +``Thanks, yeah.'' Ey sighed. ``My thoughts on it are incomplete as yet. I'll figure it out over time, I'm sure.'' + +``I'm glad to have you about either way,'' Tycho said, surprising himself with the earnestness in his voice. ``You're really\ldots I don't know. Grounding, perhaps?'' + +Ey laughed. ``What does that mean?'' + +``Like you're here to witness it, and so everything that happens will have to have at least some basis in reality.'' + +``It's quite important to feel witnessed,'' Sarah added. ``Not just for ensuring that an experience is real, but for personal validation.'' + +``Right. You being here makes me think I'm not crazy, that maybe I really am a part of something big.'' + +Codrin crossed eir arms and leaned back in eir chair, expression thoughtful. ``Thank you both, I'd not thought of it that way. \emph{That's} a role I feel more comfortable with.'' + +He nodded, then stifled a yawn. ``Weird times. Weird, but interesting. I'm at least feeling better about just inviting aliens over without consulting anyone first. For now, though, I'm going to try and sleep, and see if I can snag some extra time with Stolon in the morning.'' diff --git a/neviim/content/029.tex b/neviim/content/029.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..ac0b6b3 --- /dev/null +++ b/neviim/content/029.tex @@ -0,0 +1,127 @@ +\hypertarget{tycho-braheartemis-2346}{% +\chapter{Tycho Brahe\#Artemis — 2346}} +\markboth{Tycho Brahe\#Artemis — 2346}{} + +\begin{center} +\emph{Convergence T-minus 2 days, 17 hours, 6 minutes} +\end{center} + +\noindent ``We would like to ask you about the history of your species.'' + +There was a brief pause as the Artemisians once more blurred into discussion. Iska had set up the sim such that the Artemisians remained in skew while the emissaries sat in a unison room, the table spanning an entrance arch. It had certainly helped with the True Name and, as he was now convinced, Answers Will Not Help. Neither seemed particularly back to baseline, and Answers Will Not Help continued to fluctuate between forms unless she focused on one at a time, but neither looked as though that took quite as much effort as it had originally. + +``Are you able to narrow the scope of your question?'' + +The skunk frowned, tilted her head, and thought for a few long seconds. ``I would like to learn about how it is that each of your species arrived at the point where you uploaded. I would also like to know if this is how a convergence has occurred in the past.'' + +Yet another blur. + +Tycho watched Codrin add a tick mark to a growing list on his notebook then dash off a few marks next to it in some sort of shorthand. ``Keeping track of private discussions?'' + +Ey nodded. ``And what the general topic was that spurred it.'' + +After a few seconds, the Artemisians slid back out of fast time, and Turun Ka spoke once more. ``To your second request, yes, this fits the pattern as established after the first convergence. When we approached a star for a gravity assist, we confirmed radio transmissions following a familiar pattern and halted our planned maneuver to orbit the second planet from the star. There, we found a planet-bound civilization of approximately two billion biological individuals. We analyzed the language well enough to learn it within a day common time, and were able to initiate contact. I will allow representative Iska to describe from here.'' + +The secondracer sat up straight. ``We approached the communication with caution until we were able to ascertain that the object appeared to be a solid cylinder with few moving parts. After establishing a line of communication, we were able to understand that they were like those that we had called embedded. After approximately\ldots{}'' They trailed off, blurred into fast-time, then returned. ``Approximately fifteen months, we were able to modify both of our systems to accept uploads from the other. Our talks were not as structured as this convergence, and we became secondrace without much discussion. Eight billion of our estimated forty billion embedded individuals joined this ship and--'' + +Turun Ka and Iska blurred into fast time. Codrin added another tick mark. + +``--And eighteen thousand consciousness bearing entities from firstrace remained in our system.'' + +``Over the next seventy-eight years,'' Turun Ka continued. ``We resumed our voyage, utilizing the star and outer planets for further gravity assists to achieve an acceptable velocity. For third- and fourthraces, we approached the convergences much as we approach this one, and in both cases, we were able to do so with a similar vehicle moving out-system.'' + +``And in each case, the decision to join was mutual?'' True Name asked. + +``Yes.'' + +``Will you allow us to join you should we ask?'' + +Silence greeted the question. Codrin frowned and scribbled an extensive note. + +``An answer is not necessary,'' the skunk said. ``Though am I correct in inferring that this question is more complex than a simple yes-or-no answer?'' + +``\emph{Anem.} Correct.'' + +The skunk leaned back in her chair briefly. She looked to be covering an expression of exhaustion, as though she desperately wanted to rub her face with her paws in an attempt to wake herself up, but dare not at the moment. + +Finally, she said, ``Are you able to address my first request?'' + +``That is another complex question. It is not yet time to have that conversation.'' + +She nodded. ``To make sure that I am understanding correctly, you are not comfortable explaining how it is that each race went from a biological form to an uploaded form at this point. \emph{Anem?}'' + +\emph{``Ato esles,''} Turun Ko said. \emph{Except us.} ``Would be better to describe-explain us as post-biological. Physical form to uploaded-embedded form.'' + +``Is the knowledge itself uncomfortable, or the act of sharing it with us as emissaries?'' + +Another silence, another note from Codrin. + +``Would it be uncomfortable for us to explain how we as a species moved from physical to embedded?'' + +``Now is not the time for the exchange of that information,'' Turun Ka said. ``There will be time for this discussion once prerequisite discussions are held. To explain this to us now is confusing.'' + +``Can you expand on `confusing'?'' + +``We do not know why you would tell us such a thing at this moment,'' Artante said. ``This is not the time to discuss this.'' + +True Name sat back once more as she digested this. + +``Without explaining how we came to be as we are,'' Answers Will Not Help said, voice shifting between registers as her species shifted in turn. ``May we explain why we are interested in an exchange of this knowledge?'' + +A blurred discussion, another tick mark. + +``You are proud of having achieved this, \emph{anem?}'' Turun Ka said. ``A separate embedded society from the physical society you have left behind on Earth?'' + +She nodded. ``We are, yes, and it could be that we might learn some information that might make it easier on us during the embedding procedure.'' + +``And easier on you?'' Artante asked. + +Both Odists bridled at this, but Codrin preempted any arguments by leaning forward and saying, ``There are several core improvements that could be made to our systems that affect all inhabitants.'' + +``But also you specifically,'' she confirmed. ``I mean no disrespect by suggesting such. One is of the utmost importance to oneself, and this is admirable in its own right.'' + +After a long pause, True Name nodded. ``If there is a way that the Ode clade might benefit, then we would be interested. The issues that affect us are, to our knowledge, unique to our clade.'' + +``You see, then, why this conversation is complicated.'' + +The skunk may have masked her frustration, but that only let her exhaustion shine through all the more. ``I think it is appropriate to table this question for now.'' + +Artante nodded and Turun Ka lifted its snout in assent. + +``You have lived with each other for millennia now,'' Sarah said. ``Do you continue to have topics such as this which are uncomfortable to discuss with each other?'' + +Another fast-time conversation. + +Iska answered for the group. ``As our core society, no. There are aspects of each others' societies that do not mesh, however, so there are times when we remain separate as species, but there is nothing that is uncomfortable among the Council of Eight or common areas. Individually, we bear our own discomforts and taboos.'' + +Tycho wound up tuning much of the meeting out after that. The day felt long already, and though he couldn't tell what time it was, he just wanted to stand up and walk around. + +The mood around the table was not tense, \emph{per se,} but he could tell that the Odists were frustrated by just how much of their questions were missing the mark, how many conversations it was not yet time to have. He couldn't read any of the Artemisians well enough to see any of the same on them, though he suspected that Stolon's apparent antsiness was borne of the same boredom he felt. + +When they were finally able to take a break, he was eager to stand and stretch, then disappointed when Stolon ran off with the other delegates. He would have to catch up with the thirdracer another time. + +Instead, he followed Codrin and Sarah out into the central colonnaded plaza where they could walk around and enjoy the sight of sunlight on alien plant life. + +``Why does everyone seem stressed?'' he said, once they'd made a lap around the plaza. ``We have as much time as we want up here, basically. Shouldn't we just go slower and accept that it might take a while.'' + +Codrin yawned, rubbing a hand over eir face. ``I don't know if it's a time thing. I think True Name is stressed because we haven't figured out how to have conversations correctly. It's a sort of mutual misunderstanding. We don't know why they won't answer \emph{x} while they have no clue why we'd even ask it in the first place, and then the script gets flipped for the next question.'' + +``Didn't we know that going in, though?'' + +Ey shrugged. ``Knowing and experiencing are not the same thing. Also, I think we were lulled into a false sense of security by how easily the first conversations went. It felt like there was more mutual understanding there than there really was.'' + +Tycho laughed, brushing fingertips against one of the columns as they walked past. ``On one hand, I feel incredibly out of place with all that we're talking about, since I'm just the scientist. On the other, though, I guess I feel lucky that I'm not faced with the same problems.'' + +``I imagine that Tycho\#Castor is having a bit of an easier time of it,'' Codrin said. ``Still enjoying yourself here, at least?'' + +``I guess. Or, rather, I'm not sure if `enjoying' is the right word. I'm still fascinated by everything, and there's so much I want to do and ask. I just feel like everyone else is working on another level from me. True Name and Turun Ka are clicks above me in terms of how subtly they interact. Even you seem to operate on a different wavelength from me.'' + +Codrin shrugged. ``Too much time around Odists, perhaps.'' + +Tycho grinned and shook his head. ``Maybe, but I was thinking more that you are here to witness and be an amanuensis. You told me that I'd be doing the same weeks ago, and I still feel like that's way out of my league.'' + +Ey looked thoughtful at this as they made their way back to the meeting room. ``I was going to say `all you need to do is watch', but that's not totally accurate. I'm trained in this, and there's a way of thinking that goes along with that training.'' + +He nodded. + +``Either way, don't worry about it, Tycho. You'll get time to talk about the things you want, I'm sure of it. Just make some, even. Catch Stolon to talk about nerdy stuff in fast time.'' diff --git a/neviim/content/030.tex b/neviim/content/030.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..403402f --- /dev/null +++ b/neviim/content/030.tex @@ -0,0 +1,144 @@ +\hypertarget{ioan-bux103lan-2346}{% +\chapter{Ioan Bălan — 2346}} +\markboth{Ioan Bălan — 2346}{} + +\begin{center} +\emph{Convergence T-plus 29 days, 22 hours, 15 minutes}\\ +\emph{(Castor--Lagrange transmission delay: 30 days, 14 hours, 36 minutes)} +\end{center} + +\noindent The dinner that Do I Know God After The End Waking had prepared for them was\ldots rustic. That was the first term that ey had come up with to describe it, and no matter how else Ioan tried to refine it, ey was left with little else that fit. + +It was a venison stew with parsnips and onions, thickened with tack and stretched with some barleycorns. `Woodsy' was not quite the right word, and neither was `simple', for the skunk had spent the better part of an hour doting over the cast-iron pot he'd hung over a low fire, adding salt in what Ioan felt were miserly pinches, as well as pepper and nutmeg as though they were the most precious items in the world to him. + +When asked where he got the spices, barley, and tack in a forest, the skunk had laughed, shaken his head, and said, ``I am not a fucking ascetic, Ioan,'' then gone back to cooking. + +So, rustic stew it was. + +Very, \emph{very} good rustic stew. End Waking had explained that, as he had no way to store leftovers, they would need to finish the entire pot that night. It turned out to be no stretch for the small gathering—Ioan and May, Debarre, Time Is A Finger Pointing At Itself, Douglas, and End Waking himself—as they all went back for seconds. The ranger skunk even swirled in a little extra water once the pot was empty, using a fingerpad to wipe what stew remained down into that to make himself a thin soup to finish out of the battered mug he'd been using as a bowl for the night. + +They'd each brought their own contribution for the night, as well. After dinner, A Finger Pointing pulled out a bottle of over-proof white whiskey that they passed around the circle, taking burning sips. Ioan and May brought with them a short, two-person play that they put on for the other four, full of crude jokes and self-deprecating humor. Douglas, having picked up music as a hobby since uploading, performed a trio with three instances, one on flute, one on a mandolin, and one on a cajón. + +For his part, Debarre had brought fireworks. Or \emph{a} firework, at least. The weasel produced a double fist-sized sphere of \emph{papier-mâché}, and set it atop a small cylinder right next to the fire. With End Waking watching, hawklike, he directed everyone to stand back a few feet and lit the fuse with a small punk from the fire, explaining, ``I've been working on this for the last seventy years or so. It's only about fifty percent possible outside the System, but my excuse is that I never saw fireworks out there so I can do whatever the fuck I want.'' + +The firework lifted off the cylinder it had been set on top of with surprising grace. Rather than rocketing into the air, it rose slowly, splitting in half a few inches up and rising in a tight helix, the weasel explaining that the propellant was tightly controlled to allow such, until it was hovering about three meters above the fire on a column of sparks as orange as those of the fire itself. From there, small spheres of cool-blue sparks popped free and danced around it in slow, hypnotic whorls. Finally, in a fountain of green fire, billowing into the shape of a tree, it fell back into the campfire with a hissing sigh to be consumed by the flames. + +``Out-fucking-classed,'' A Finger Pointing grumbled. ``You said `bring something', my dear, so I brought a bottle to drink, and you all bring plays and music and fireworks.'' + +``You will hear no complaints from me,'' End Waking said, grinning toothily. ``Do you know how long it has been since I have had whiskey?'' + +She laughed and shook her head. ``I will bring you a case next time.'' + +The skunk shook his head. ``I am enjoying the ability to taste something again after years without. I have missed it and that makes it special.'' + +``Sap.'' + +He rolled his eyes and made a rude gesture at her. + +A Finger Pointing fit neatly into the pattern of a human Michelle, though over the centuries, she had opted for a form that was a little taller, a little slimmer, and bore more heavily styled hair. More chic, perhaps. She was prone to grand gestures and grand outfits in all black or all gray or all red. She had also leaned into hedonism more so than any of the other Odists Ioan had met. She ate heartily, drank more than all of them—though this mostly manifested as a ruddy glint to her cheeks and a more wicked grin than usual—and brought with her a very comfortable-looking camp chair. + +Even having worked with her for nearly a decade as a playwright and under her direction as an actor for the last few years, ey continually found emself surprised by her simple desire to enjoy life, put on good plays, and be friends with everyone she could. It was a simplicity that was lacking from so many of her cocladists that ey'd had a chance to meet. + +``Do you wish that you had the chance to meet them?'' End Waking said, once the fire had been stoked back up to stave off the deepening darkness. + +``The Artemisians?'' + +He nodded. + +``Kind of, yeah,'' She said. ``I was pleased to hear that bit about how important they find stories, so I would like the chance to hear some directly from them and see what they think of ours.'' + +``And you, my dear?'' + +Debarre shrugged. His and End Waking's on-again-off-again relationship seemed to be back on the rise, and so the skunk and weasel shared a seat on the log, tails draped across each other's. So stoic was the Odist, though, that while this was the only outward sign of affection between the two, it came off far sweeter than Ioan would have otherwise expected, especially given his cocladist's constant touch in eir own relationship. Ey'd certainly never heard the skunk use `my dear' with anyone else. Ey reveled in the compersion ey felt for them. + +``I've never been a huge fan of sci-fi,'' the weasel said. ``I suppose it'd be neat, but it feels really out there. I mean, I'm obviously excited, and I'd love to meet them, but it all sounds more like a fantasy than anything, so I'm not too put out.'' + +``Ioan?'' the skunk asked. + +Ey shrugged after a moment's thought. ``I'm lucky. I get to share all the good stuff with you all direct from a cocladist. I wouldn't turn down the chance to meet them, but I'm also happy with this.'' + +``Why?'' + +Ioan frowned. ``Why am I happy with just this?'' + +``Yes.'' + +``I think because the part of my life spent right in the thick of it is over. I'm a different person, now. I've grown, changed. I've moved away from the Ioan who sat and watched as eir job. I'm a different me, now. I'm happy with being excited from a distance. I'm happy with the romance of it all.'' + +May, tucked firmly against eir side, dotted her nose on eir cheek. ``Different kind of nerd.'' + +``Pretty much, yeah.'' Ey laughed. ``Besides, Codrin said they've been bandying about the idea that none of it's real, that they've been dreaming the whole thing. I'm more curious to see that play out than actually experience meeting the Artemisians.'' + +``It does not matter,'' End Waking said. + +``What?'' + +``It does not matter whether or not it actually exists. If there is no ship named Artemis full of four races of aliens, the world which exists within Castor is still a new and interesting one. It is still a world worth exploring.'' The skunk shrugged. ``The question of their existence beyond Castor is purely academic.'' + +``Well, huh,'' ey said. ``I'll have to pass that on to Codrin\#Castor, then. Perhaps it'll ease some anxieties.'' + +End Waking nodded, then continued around the circle. ``How about you, May Then My Name?'' + +``A part of me wishes I had the chance, but it is a small part. The rest of me is smug in my decision to remain behind preventing me from doing so. I cannot change that decision and go meet them, and that in and of itself is exciting, is it not?'' + +The other skunk turned his gaze on Douglas. + +``I think I'm probably the outlier here, in that I was—or am—kind of crushed by the fact that I won't be able to meet them, even if they aren't real.'' He poked the tip of a stick at the base of the fire. ``Here I am, someone who spent eight years in university studying spaceflight, someone who did all he could to specialize in the System, and I'm stuck reading second-hand accounts of a five thousand year old civilization flying through space on a system of their own. I got over my frustration at having not uploaded in time for the launches years ago, but this is bringing it all back.'' + +``What would you do, had you the chance to meet them?'' End Waking asked. + +``Oh, I don't know. That's the thing. I don't have anything concrete in mind that I feel like I'm missing, it's just this envy over not having the chance. I'm sure I'd ask them a million questions about spaceflight and System shit, because that's just how I am. I want to know how they keep their vehicle in working order over so long a time. I want to know how they can receive images and sounds and video instead of just text. I want to know all sorts of things, but that's ancillary to the fact that I'm just not there.'' + +This short speech demanded a silent acknowledgement of a few minutes, and the five sat in quiet, watching the fire or looking up to the stars and moon overhead. Douglas poked at the fire. May rested her head on Ioan's shoulder. A Finger Pointing, Debarre, and End Waking drank. + +``I would like to know their forests,'' the skunk said at last. ``And I would invite them to know mine. Do they hunt their own venison and dig their own parsnips? I do not know. If they do not, I would show them. If they do, I would want them to show me.'' + +``Even if that meant uploading to Artemis?'' Ioan asked. + +``Yes.'' + +``It doesn't sound like a pleasant place for Odists, from what May's told me.'' + +The skunk shrugged. ``That is not enough to stand in the way of my desire. Would I go mad in the midst of their forest? Very well, I would go mad.'' + +``Is that what it feels like? Going mad?'' + +``I am not sure how else to put it,'' he said after a long silence. + +``I was on a field of dandelions and grass,'' May said, her voice distant and dream-fogged. ``And there was no echo. The world stretched out before me in empty nothingness, and there was no echo. At my back was a bar—scratched wood, stools, a foot rail, a gutter for pouring drinks—and the only way I could hear my own voice pass through the air was to huddle between those stools and face the bar.'' + +``Words came unbidden,'' A Finger Pointing picked up where May left off. ``And as they passed through my mind, they dripped and smeared—a painting with too much wet paint on the canvas stood on its edge. The dreaming mind did not know what to do with language that close to the surface, and so the language stained all it touched.'' + +End Waking nodded, speaking toward the fire. ``And so I screamed and I ran, and when I looked back, the bar was gone, and when I looked forward again, there it was. Had I turned? Was the world so small? The words came unbidden, and with each one that left my mouth, a cord that tethered me to reality snapped, and I grew lighter and lighter, and I feared I would float up into the sky, into the sun.'' + +``And through it all, time was unmoored and set adrift,'' May said quietly. ``Sixteen hours, twenty three minutes is what they said, but I lived lifetime after lifetime beneath that sun. The light thrummed and vibrated around me, and I lived and died and lived again. I watched eternity fall away and rot at my feet.'' + +``Or perhaps it was just an instant,'' A Finger Pointing said. + +End Waking's words came with a finality that seemed to draw the memory to a close, though nothing about the recitation—monologue?—had felt memorized or rehearsed. ``And so I went mad.'' + +``Jesus.'' Douglas's whisper broke the long silence that followed. ``And you're afraid that's what would happen on Artemis?'' + +``Not exactly that,'' he said. ``But when presented with the fragility of eternity once more, I cannot imagine that I would remain sane. That any of us would.'' + +``This is what we fear,'' May said. + +``With the Artemisians and their time? I saw through your eyes,'' Debarre said, so quiet as to be almost a whisper. End Waking rested a paw on his knee. ``I was so happy to see you, and so terrified to be there. Two and a half minutes was enough for a lifetime.'' + +``Or memory?'' Douglas added. + +May nodded, tugging Ioan's arm tighter around her middle. ``A madness born of eternities. Memory upon memory upon memory. Our memories, our whole subconscious, lie too close to the surface, and that barrier between the conscious and subconscious cannot bear the weight of an eternity. And so the cracks widen.'' + +``Do you think that's what happened with Death Itself and I Do Not Know? To Michelle?'' Ioan asked. + +End Waking dipped his snout and drew his hood up over his head once more. Debarre looked away into the dark of the forest. A Finger Pointing took a long drink from the bottle of whiskey. + +``I do not know, my dear. I will never know. It is very hard to quit when one is at the root of a clade, or even a larger subtree. Like pushing through a barrier or wading through mud. Death Itself may have been struggling to do so for a long time. I cannot imagine how difficult it must have been for Michelle. The System is not built for death.'' + +Ey felt eir muscles tense, was helpless to stop it. + +``I am sorry, Ioan. The System is not built for death, just as you are not. It wants to keep us alive, and so to end a clade is very difficult.'' + +Ey nodded slowly, focusing on night above em, the log they sat on beneath em, the warmth of the fire before em. Ey focused on those around em—A Finger Pointing, Douglas, Debarre, End Waking, and of course eir own dear May—pinning em to a time, a place, a mood. Ey focused on the feeling of being alive and being \emph{here}, of being present and in the world, digital or otherwise. + +``How heavy must that madness be, then,'' May continued. ``To crash through so many failsafes and allow someone who has been within the system for more than two centuries such a death? This is what we fear.'' diff --git a/neviim/content/031.tex b/neviim/content/031.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..73c7ab9 --- /dev/null +++ b/neviim/content/031.tex @@ -0,0 +1,115 @@ +\hypertarget{tycho-brahecastor-2346}{% +\chapter{Tycho Brahe\#Castor — 2346}} +\markboth{Tycho Brahe\#Castor — 2346}{} + +\begin{center} +\emph{Convergence T-minus 2 days, 3 hours, 55 minutes} +\end{center} + +\noindent ``I would like to ask a few questions about forking versus skew,'' Tycho said, when a lull between the two parties ran long enough that he felt comfortable doing so. + +Both the Odists and Iska turned their gaze on him, intently enough that he was caught short in his speech. Intensity from the Odists had become at least recognizable, if still not exactly comfortable, but the length of Iska's neck allowed them to push their head toward him to an alarming degree without necessarily leaning forward. + +``I'll try to keep it on a scientific rather than social level,'' he added, somewhat diminished. + +Turun Ka lifted its chin in assent. ``We are amenable to this.'' + +``Alright.'' He spent a moment gathering his thoughts, looking down at the brief set of notes he'd taken on his pad. ``The first and largest, I suppose, is does skewing faster than what I've heard you call `common time' lead to increased load on your system?'' + +Iska, having started to pick up on human mannerisms, nodded, though it was a somewhat more elaborate gesture than any of them might have made. ``The faster one experiences time, the greater the load is. There is not as much need for it these days, but originally, the ability to skew up was governed by a system-wide algorithm such that the more individuals that were skewed up, the lower the maximum skew was. This was balanced by those who were skewed down.'' + +``Here on our System, prior to some technological advancements, forking was limited by a reputation market,'' True Name said. ``I will leave the historical and sociological implications of this to the emissaries on Artemis, however, I can speak to the mechanical aspect of it.'' + +Iska nodded. ``I will compare with what I remember.'' + +``I do not know whether any of you have explored the functionality, but forking is an act of intent. One projects the desire to fork and, when that intent is recognized by the System, the fork is created. Does that align with the mechanics of time skew?'' + +Iska sat still and silent for a moment, and Tycho imagined a hidden frustration within them. While they'd been nothing but cordial throughout the visit so far, they had also stated plainly that they were uncomfortable with the lack of time skew and had refused the fork they were permitted in their rest area. He imagined that they'd like nothing more than to take their time coming up with the perfect response to this question in a fraction of a second, common time, but lacked the mechanism within the System. + +``That aligns with our experience. I would not have used the words `intent' and `project a desire' prior to hearing them. I would have said that one `remembers' being at a set skew. One remembers being or having been at skew plus one, and then one is. One remembers having been at common time, or perhaps remembers sliding down from skew plus one to common time, and one does so.'' After a hesitation, they added, ``But the concepts map almost exactly, so I will gladly accept `intent' and `project a desire' as terms.'' + +Codrin spoke up next. ``My counterpart on Artemis described in a note to me that `common time feels like a pin in a lock clicking into place as you move faster or slower'. I am assuming that this is what you mean when you say `one remembers having been at common time'?'' + +Iska bared their teeth, a gesture that the delegates had agreed must be a sort of smile. ``The common time consensus sensation is provided as an aid to all consciousness-bearing entities, yes. I am told that, when one first experiences skew, it can feel, \emph{lu}\ldots slippery, perhaps. It can be difficult to aim for a skew and remember that exactly, so one slides toward it and may overshoot. I am nearly five thousand years old, Artemis reckoning, I have forgotten how it feels for skew to be slippery, but yes, that is why it exists.'' + +``But since aiming for common time is so important, an aid is provided?'' Tycho asked. + +``Precisely, scientist Tycho Brahe.'' + +True Name continued, ``The second part of my comparison was regarding the sensation of not having the ability to fork or skew, which, as appears to be the case for both of our Systems, is no longer much of a factor. When one did not have enough reputation to fork, that intent felt less real, as though one could not possibly fork, as though it was an impossible act. What was the experience of not being able to skew any faster?'' + +There was another long moment of thought before the secondracer nodded. ``Again, it has been a long time since I have experienced that sort of limitation, but yes. One simply could not remember skewing any faster. There is still an effective upper limit on skew, but very few consciousness-bearing entities find skew above plus eight to plus ten to be comfortable, and in practice, few go above skew plus five.'' + +Why Ask Questions frowned. ``Uncomfortable how?'' + +``The, \emph{lu}\ldots level of interaction decreases as one's skew increases. Above plus one, sound does not transmit to common time and touch is impossible. Above plus five, movement becomes difficult and one feels\ldots{}\emph{baenåt}\ldots restrained, perhaps. Movement takes effort. The effort required to move slows one down to where positive skew is no longer effective, though one may use the time to think. This is one use for unison rooms, which may be skewed much higher or lower without such constraints.'' + +The two Odists exchanged a look, and a brief glance at Codrin showed em looking more intently at them than at Iska. + +``I would like to move on to a related question,'' True Name said, at which Codrin wrote something down on eir pad. + +Tycho made a note to talk to em after, find out what had intrigued em about the Odists' reaction. + +Iska nodded. + +``Are there any corrective measures that your system can take?'' + +``Please clarify if you are able.'' + +``Well, for example, the vast majority of forks are not created for individuation but to accomplish a task while the original instance—what we call the down-tree instance—carries on what they were doing before, or to increase the workforce on a task. When the fork quits, the down-tree instance has the option of integrating some or all of their memories. This can lead to inconsistencies—which we call conflicts—when memories do not align well, and one will be prevented from keeping memories from both instances. Are there instances where your system might need to take corrective action?'' + +The secondracer tilted their head, then set up a cone of silence so that the Artemisians could discuss their answer. + +``True Name desperately wants to ask about the political ramifications of all of this,'' Why Ask Questions stage-whispered, elbowing Tycho in the side. ``You are going to have to preempt her, Tycho, if you do not want to be trampled.'' + +``I brought you into this world, my dear,'' True Name retorted. ``I can and will take you back out of it.'' + +The delegates all laughed, but Tycho readily picked up on the subtext: \emph{you're the scientist, do your job.} + +He wrote down a few more ideas for questions while they waited. + +``There are very few automated corrective actions,'' Iska said once the cone dropped. ``One might consider the increased restrictions on movement at higher relative skews. As mentioned, sound does not transmit beyond a relative skew of one, and touch on both individuals and physical objects is reduced as relative skew increases in order to reduce destructive collisions.'' + +``That answers part of my question,'' Tycho said. ``As I was wondering how the system dealt with the transfer of force at higher relative skews. Can this be bypassed, though?'' + +Iska tilted their head again, further this time. ``Why would one, scientist Tycho Brahe?'' + +``Well, we can turn our sensoria's sensitivity up and down on an individual level, and we can increase or decrease collision sensitivity on a sim level. In public sims, collision sensitivity will be conservative so that you can't bump someone too hard. I was wondering if there are similar mechanics on Artemis. Are there sims where that restriction on touch at high relative skew is relaxed?'' + +The secondracer's expression was what Tycho could only describe as shocked. ``That could lead to physical damage to one or both objects involved in the interaction.'' + +He frowned. ``Of course, that makes sense. I only ask because that functionality is available to us.'' + +For the first time in the conversation, Artante spoke up. ``This is veering into the territory designated for those aboard Artemis, but I will try to keep it grounded in the science and mechanics of our differences. Scientist Tycho Brahe, are there situations within your system that one might wish to cause physical damage to another?'' + +True Name stiffened in her seat, but before she could reply, Tycho said, ``Sure. There are combat sims and some forms of participatory art where risk of damage is considered part of of the experience.'' + +``And one is often advised or required to send a fork to these, \emph{anem?}'' + +``Almost to a one, yeah.'' + +Iska had been gripping the edge of the table tightly and finally seemed to cave to emotion and set up a cone of silence. He watched as, within, they said something that looked quite angry to Artante, who nodded calmly and said something in return. There was an angry retort, and then the same response from Artante. + +Both firstracers sat by impassively. They may have been talking, but there was no visible indication of such. Stolon, meanwhile, sat between the two, looking miserable. + +When the cone dropped once more, Artante continued. ``In a system without forking, scientist Tycho Brahe, you must understand that there is no analogue to such. A system which could intentionally allow egregious harm to its occupants is unacceptable to us.'' + +``Oh, right,'' he said, frowning. The sight of True Name scribbling notes with alarming intensity distracted him, but he managed to say all the same, ``My apologies, I'd not put that together until we talked through it.'' + +Artante and Iska both bowed, though Iska's was noticeably more curt. + +``We understand,'' they said. ``We have analogous experiential and participatory art using skew, but that is not for this meeting to discuss.'' + +A cone of silence dropped over their side of the table and Codrin turned to True Name, asking, ``May I ask what you were writing?'' + +The skunk frowned. ``Why?'' + +``You were very intent on it,'' ey said. ``And I was wondering if it's something that might be relevant to the rest of us or if it was something destined for True Name\#Artemis.'' + +There was a silent pause where True Name looked first at Codrin, then at Why Ask Questions, then back again. ``I had intended to send it to \#Artemis, but I take your meaning. You know that Jonas and I have thoughts on an appropriate level of discomfort and danger within a society in order to maintain stability. A system that restricts violence by mechanics such as these may—and that is a very big `may'—speak to one that falls below that acceptable threshold for us.'' + +``\,``Pain, anxiety, the need for something greater, these are all essential for survival. Without them, the world would be an impossibly dangerous place'', you mean,'' Codrin quoted. + +She laughed. ``Indeed. You may thank Jonas for that one. That they may disagree with this could say a lot about them. If they have somehow moved past the need for pain and anxiety, we will have much to learn. If they object to it on moral grounds, we must be wary.'' + +Tycho watched the exchange with mounting confusion before making note of yet another thing to ask Codrin about over break. diff --git a/neviim/content/032.tex b/neviim/content/032.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..71d2667 --- /dev/null +++ b/neviim/content/032.tex @@ -0,0 +1,137 @@ +\hypertarget{codrin-bux103lancastor-2346}{% +\chapter{Codrin Bălan\#Castor — 2346}} +\markboth{Codrin Bălan\#Castor — 2346}{} + +\begin{center} +\emph{Convergence T-minus 2 days, 1 hour, 15 minutes} +\end{center} + +\noindent True Name's ability to keep a steady, half-smiling expression was admirable. Even Why Ask Questions appeared to be only just barely keeping frustration at bay. + +Having instructed the Artemisians on how to use cones of silence, there were far fewer breaks throughout the last two days, limited to one in the morning, one in the afternoon, and a longer lunch in the middle. That did not stop them from settling into private conversation every few minutes to discuss whatever answer they might give. + +Ey initially found it strange that added downtime would make their party more tired rather than less, but after some consideration—and a brief talk with Sarah—ey'd come to the realization that those periods of quiet between question and answer were still spent in expectation. They were still working during those pauses. They were still in conversation, if only by way of watching and waiting, trying to guess what might have led to the need to have that private discussion. Ey could not read expressions beyond eir limited notes so far, could not speak the language well enough, and certainly could not read lips, so ey was left only with guesses and suppositions. + +And through it all, True Name seemed to be trying to match the firstracers for patient expressions. + +It wasn't until that second day's lunch that the skunk showed any breaks in that patience. She picked up a plate piled high with salad, brought it over to the table in the center of their rest area then stepped back a few paces, where she activated a cone of silence. She brought her tail around toward her front, held in both paws, and buried her face in it. Ey could only assume by the sudden way that she bent at the waist and pinned her ears back that this was done to muffle a scream or some violent obscenity. + +Then, as though nothing had happened, she sat down to eat. + +Lunch after that had been filled with laughter and truly terrible jokes. Sarah, it turned out, collected them, and the delegates unanimously voted hers the worst. + +All throughout, though, Codrin couldn't shake the image of True Name throwing a very short, very tightly controlled tantrum. The sight of her letting loose so strong an emotion had immediately knocked em back to an interview—decades ago, now—where she'd wound em up enough that ey'd started shouting at her in her own office, then bounced em from her sim. + +That, ey'd later understood, had been intentional on her part. It had been a way for her to spin her story in a very carefully crafted way. It set it to a level that sat just on the other side of the line between plausible and absurd. It had wrapped em up in a story that was just a little too much to believe, and the end result was a softening of the impact of the \emph{History}. + +She was a consummate actor. Nothing about that experience had been done with a wink and a nudge, just as nothing about this had contained any such acknowledgement that it was intentional, but ey was nothing if not primed to expect her actions to be based in manipulation. There was a non-zero chance that this tantrum had been more for the benefit of the other delegates than anything. It was a way to show that she, too, was frustrated, just as the pun-off that had followed had been a way to\pagebreak~loosen everyone up by lampshading the absurdity of the whole venture. + +And then, it was over. True Name cleared away her plate, explained that she was going to write a letter to her \#Artemis instance, made a final joke about needing to do so over letters being much more up Codrin's alley, and then stepped into her room to work in silence. + +``What was that about?'' Sarah asked, once the skunk and Why Ask Questions had wandered off again. + +``What, the thing about the letters?'' Ey shrugged. ``I guess it was deemed a risk setting up radio between the DMZ and--'' + +``No, no,'' she said, shaking her head. ``Sorry, I mean, what was with the scream and then all the jokes?'' + +Ey frowned and set up another cone of silence for the two of them. ``I was just thinking about that, actually. I was wondering if she really is frustrated enough to scream or if it was intentional to make her seem more normal like the rest of us mere mortals.'' + +``I don't think it was that extreme. Maybe some part of her was trying to build camaraderie with us by doing so, but I'm wondering if it was more that she was trying to downplay the news from Artemis.'' + +Codrin sat up straighter. ``You mean the Odists struggling over there?'' + +She nodded. ``It sounds like moving them to a unison room is helping, but they're still struggling with that\ldots what did Codrin\#Artemis call it? The omnipresence of time?'' + +``Yeah. Dear talked about it some. It called the feeling of being lost as being stuck in an `endless place of no time'.'' + +``I was going to call that poetic, but the more I think about it, the less I think I could describe it without a whole lot of metaphors, myself.'' She pushed a few remaining pieces of lettuce around her plate with her fork. ``I was wondering if maybe she's trying to hide how she's feeling about that by amping up other emotions. Hiding trauma with humor is not uncommon, and I'm sure she has trauma of her own.'' + +Ey frowned. ``It would make sense, yes. This morning's letter from Codrin talked a bit more about them, about how they seem to be struggling in masking more powerful emotions. `I don't think I've ever seen an Odist well and truly furious,' ey said, which I agree with. I've seen Dear angry, and Ioan says that ey's seen May Then My Name get furious—at True Name, no less—but I've never seen any of them truly furious. `True Name keeps getting these flashes, though, where her face will twist up in what I can only call abject fury. It'll only last a second or so, and then it's over and she's back to looking tired or in control or whatever she was before'.'' + +``Anger is a strong emotion. It's hard to cover up something that overwhelming.'' + +``Right. Anger and sadness or depression seem to be the two that keep cropping up. They've had to take a few breaks so far when Why Ask Questions wound up in a crying jag.'' + +She shook her head. ``I've not heard anything from my \#Artemis instance, which is fine, but I wonder how she would describe it.'' + +``Want me to ask? I was going to send off a note before we started back up again.'' + +``Please. I was going to write something myself, but if you're already sending one, might as well tack it on there, instead.'' + +Ey nodded and scratched out a note to emself in eir notebook. ``Before I get to that, though, I have a question for you. Something before I drop the cone, I mean.'' + +Sarah leaned forward, elbows on her knees, and ey did the same. The added secrecy of talking quieter was a difficult habit to break, and eir mind was still on the topic of lip-reading from earlier. + +``\#Artemis hinted at something and I'm not quite sure what to make of it. That ey's even hinting at it rather than just saying it outright is telling in and of itself, of course, but I can see why, given the context. The messages are clade-eyes-only, so others can't read them unless one of us grants permission, anyway. It's only a hint, but I think\ldots{}I mean, I think maybe ey's suggesting that it's not Why Ask Questions on Artemis, but Answers Will Not Help.'' + +The psychologist frowned down toward the floor. ``What form did this hint take?'' + +Ey dredged up the memory of the postscript. ``Ey asked Dear to check eir work. I remember that, during Secession, Why Ask Questions managed sentiment sys-side and Answers Will Not Help did the same phys-side. The hint was asking, ``Is this correct? I've only met the two of them recently, so I'm unsure how that plays out in their social interactions.'' I remember that, of course, so the hint is in the question.'' + +``Anything in subsequent letters?'' + +``Well, Codrin\#Assist confirmed it, saying, ``Dear says that's correct. Why Ask Questions worked sys-side, Answers Will Not Help worked phys-side''. Neither \#Artemis nor I have brought it up again since.'' + +``You obviously know your communication style better than anyone else, but do you think ey's hinting at the fact that they were switched specifically for their roles? Intra- and extra-system sentiment?'' + +Ey nodded. + +``Well, that'd be a hell of a stunt to pull.'' She sighed, steepling her fingers before her. ``I could only really tell them apart by the way they acted, but, like you, I only really met them a week or so ago. Is ey sure that it's not just due to the way the skew is impacting them?'' + +``I don't know, really, but given that a good chunk of the rest of the letter, as well as subsequent ones, has been about that impact and the effects it's having on the meetings, I don't doubt eir observations.'' + +There was a moment of silence as they both digested the conversation. They still had a few minutes of time left, if ey still wanted to write eir note, so ey allowed the moment to stretch. + +Finally, Sarah said, ``I guess I have a few thoughts on it: the first is that Answers Will Not Help struck me as less grounded than Why Ask Questions. They're both weird, but Answers Will Not Help was always much more intense, and she sometimes got petty or cruel. The second was that maybe we could ask Tycho. We got a few days with the two of them, but he's been working with them for much longer, since they led with a bunch of science.'' + +``Alright,'' ey said, scratching out another quick note to emself. ``I'll figure out a way to ask if that's where the observation came from.'' + +``Oh? As in maybe Tycho noticed that and told Codrin\#Artemis?'' + +``Right, yeah. Maybe he picked up on it first because he's had more time with her, or maybe her reaction to the skew tipped him off. Who knows?'' + +``Think you'll ask in a hint, too?'' + +Ey nodded. ``There's some subtext there that I'm not totally picking up on, and it seems best to be safer than not.'' + +``Any guesses as to that subtext?'' she asked. + +``Only incomplete ones. I wonder if it's to keep Codrin\#Assist from reading too much into it since ey's not experiencing any of this.'' + +``And you're worried ey might bring it up with the Odists?'' + +Ey laughed, shaking eir head. ``Nothing so grand. It's just hard for us to leave well enough alone. Ey'd probably start cataloging the differences between them. Well, ey probably already is, given the hint, but without the context that we're seeing here, it'll be somewhat less pointed.'' + +``Right, that makes sense. That still seems a little flimsy for a reason to be this vague of a hint.'' + +``Agreed,'' ey said, then shrugged. ``Could be that ey just doesn't trust that clade-eyes-only works on Artemis. All the same, I'll hint back and see what comes of it, just to be safe.'' + +She nodded. ``Alright. Keep me up to date, I guess.'' + +Codrin dropped the cone of silence and stretched eir arms up over eir head, ``I'll see you in there in a few, then. Thanks for chatting.'' + +Sarah stood, waved, and wandered back into the room, leaving em to brush out eir blouse and straighten the apron that rested over eir skirt before starting the note. + +\begin{quote} +Codrin\#Artemis + +Not a whole lot to add here on my part, and I need to get back to it momentarily, so just a quick note for now. There's been some talk on biology and a bit more on astronomy. This always gets Tycho super excited, of course, so we have to space the topic out so that he and Stolon don't completely monopolize the meeting. + +This morning we discussed the science of forking as it relates to time skew, but it was hard to keep the talk out of what should be your area up there. + +The most pertinent thing of late has been some discussion over language and how that has changed over time based on the physiology of the races. Iska spoke some ``old Nanon'' for us, which was beautiful, but almost uncanny. I'd keep almost catching words, but then they'd slip away from me again. Why Ask Questions understood better, and was able to ask some questions about linguistic evolution. Most of those went over my head, but she seemed surprised at how little things had changed over that long a time span, which got us on the topic of the history and politics of language. That was cut off since that's your bailiwick up there, so I expect TN will be getting a note to that effect. + +Sarah requests that her counterpart reply with her thoughts on the Odists. + +\begin{center} +\textbf{BĂLAN CLADE-EYES-ONLY MATERIAL} +\end{center} + +I hope things with the Odists are going as smoothly as possible. It sounds really stressful, particularly with how it's affecting WAQ. You mentioned that Sarah's been keeping an eye on it, but how about Tycho? I know he can get kind of skittish. He's also been around those two longer than any of us, though, so maybe he's got some insight into it. + +\begin{center} +\textbf{END BĂLAN CLADE-EYES-ONLY MATERIAL} +\end{center} + +Codrin\#Assist, pass on my love. Pull Dear's tail for me. +\end{quote} diff --git a/neviim/content/033.tex b/neviim/content/033.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..8fec0e5 --- /dev/null +++ b/neviim/content/033.tex @@ -0,0 +1,233 @@ +\hypertarget{codrin-bux103lanartemis-2346}{% +\chapter{Codrin Bălan\#Artemis — 2346}} +\markboth{Codrin Bălan\#Artemis — 2346}{} + +\begin{center} +\emph{Convergence T-minus 1 day, 4 hours, 7 minutes} +\end{center} + +\noindent The Artemisians had continued to fine-tune the new setup of the meeting space for the emissaries, so that the Odists' beds were no longer in the same room as their half of the table. Now, there was a small, stone-paved unison room for their half of the table, at the back of which sat a low bench for sitting and talking, as well as a pitcher and glasses of water. To the side of that, a short hallway led to the two unison bedrooms. + +That True Name and Answers Will Not Help had requested separate bedrooms had felt notable to Codrin, though ey could not put eir finger on why. Perhaps one or both of them were having a hard enough time even while sleeping that it was keeping the other awake? Answers Will Not Help certainly looked as though she'd not slept since arriving. + +Both Odists had taken to spending any break longer than five minutes laying down, and ey'd taken it as eir task to ensure that they were up and moving a minute or so before the meeting resumed. + +One upside of this, however, was that it gave em as much latitude as ey wanted to talk with Tycho and Sarah without feeling like ey was leaving True Name and Answers Will Not Help behind. + +Or, ey realized, like ey needed to hide anything from them. + +``So. Day three.'' + +Tycho groaned. ``Yeah, though I feel like we've been here for at least a week by now.'' + +``Might as well have been. The room is pinned at +0.2, so we're already given far more time than we might have on an ordinary day.'' + +``At least it's easy to take a long, lazy break,'' Sarah said. ``But yes. Day three, I guess. What are your thoughts, Codrin?'' + +Ey leaned back against the column outside the unison room, arms crossed, and looked up at the clear sky above the open courtyard. The blue was more intense than ey remembered from Earth or any of the sims ey'd been in. Ey always felt as though ey was falling up into it, whenever ey stared up like this. + +``I'm tired,'' ey said at last. ``Some of that's from just how long it feels like we've been running, and how I feel like I need to be \emph{on} for all of that time, but part of it is our other emissaries.'' + +``Oh?'' + +``Them being so\ldots is unwell the right word?'' + +Sarah nodded, ``Maybe, yes. Unwell. Struggling?'' + +``Right, yeah. Them struggling so much means that I have to be an active part of the discussions as well as focused on them. There's nothing I can do to help them, but I still feel like I need to be attuned to everyone around me.'' + +``Is that part of your amanuensis duties?'' Tycho asked. + +Ey frowned, silent, as ey thought. ``Perhaps. It is part of what's going on here, isn't it?'' + +``It is,'' Sarah said. ``But you don't need to be a complete sponge, soaking everything up.'' + +``I don't know that I can just turn that off.'' + +``And that's okay. It's less about turning it off than mitigating it. Find the times where you can turn down your engagement and use those where you can. Find the things that don't require your full attention and let them go, even if only for a few seconds.'' + +Ey smiled, feeling the tiredness in eir cheeks. ``You were a therapist, weren't you? Maybe I should steal some of your time after this is all over.'' + +``Gladly,'' she said, nodding. ``I've been thinking about restarting my practice, anyhow. It's been too long of just lounging around on the System.'' + +``Certainly got a pile of work for yourself now,'' Tycho said. ``What are your thoughts, while we're on the subject?'' + +``This is going to sound weird,'' she said after a moment's thought. ``But it's way more normal than I expected. It's a strange situation, to be sure, but it's still just a meeting between people who are trying to figure each other out. They're alien, but not so far as to be completely unintelligible. It's almost prosaic.'' + +``Think it's going well?'' Codrin asked. + +``As well as it can be, all things considered. We've not wound up in any thorny patches or anything.'' + +Tycho nodded. ``Agreed, though I have to admit that I'm getting kind of bored. Codrin told me I should steal some time with Stolon, and I've been doing that whenever I can, but the rest is just\ldots boring. I want to be able to engage, but it's just all over my head, and when I do start feeling like I'm getting a hold on it, Turun Ka or True Name will nudge us back `on topic'.'' + +``\,`On topic' meaning history and politics and the like?'' + +He nodded. ``I knew that going into this that \#Castor would be having much more fun than I would.'' + +``Well, let's see if we can find you something to focus on,'' Sarah said. + +He tilted his head, frowning. ``How, though? I can't exactly ask us to just start talking about the science side.'' + +``Well, no, but you can keep an eye on data. Maybe look out for dates and the like and start using that with what we \emph{do} know of the science behind everything. Start thinking about where they might have been coming from before the\ldots uh, gravity assist? Is that it?'' + +His frown deepened, but he nodded. + +``Start thinking about what's in that direction and how long it might have taken them to get here.'' + +``You can probably keep track of the math involved with the time scale better than any of us, too,'' Codrin added. ``So you can see where there might have been inflection points in history and if that might've had to do with any of their travel. If there were big societal changes, then maybe--'' + +Tycho held up his hand, and Codrin watched as his eyes lost focus, staring into nothing for a long few seconds, breathing rapidly in some faster time. + +Ey looked to Sarah, who shrugged. + +``Sorry, skewed faster,'' he mumbled. ``You just reminded me of something, is all. There's a lot beneath the plane of the ecliptic relative to us, but only a little bit of it is close for them to have plausibly passed by it. A few of those systems are kind of interesting.'' + +``Interesting?'' ey asked. + +``Like, stuff we've been keeping an eye on for possibly having life, that sort of thing.'' + +``Maybe Artante's system?'' + +He shook his head. ``Closer than that, I think.'' + +Codrin stood up straight again, tugging eir blouse straight. ``Are you saying you think they might've stopped by somewhere else?'' + +``It's a very big `might','' he said. ``They could just have been using the stars for slingshots, after all.'' + +``But it's a possibility.'' + +He nodded. + +Sarah shook her head. ``To make sure I'm following, you think they may have suspected there was life elsewhere? Do you think they might have run across other possible societies and not had them join them as a race?'' + +``Right. Could be they just hadn't started uploading.'' He hesitated, then added, ``Or that they had, but didn't want to join or didn't make the cut.'' + +Codrin rubbed eir hands over eir face, willing away the tiredness that kept threatening to come back. Like Tycho, every time ey felt like ey was getting a hold on the situation ey was stuck in, some other bit of info would be brought to light and eir grasp would slip once more. + +Now here this was. Perhaps the Artemisians had run across more than just races two through four on their journey. Perhaps there had been failed convergences, not counted among the existing three and the fourth they were living through. + +Tycho's comment about `not making the cut' carried with it additional implications, as well. It implied that there was a barrier to entry that one had to pass. This, in turn, implied that there were a set of requirements for getting to join as a race. Unspoken ones. + +There may very well be specific steps they had to take that had never been provided to them. Hadn't ey picked up a sense of that from the letter so long ago? `You have asked the correct question'? + +When ey shook away the rumination, ey found both Tycho and Sarah staring at em. ``Sorry if I was mumbling. Tycho, hold off on actually asking about this for now, but keep thinking about it, alright? At least let me run it past True Name first.'' + +Tycho nodded. + +``On that note, we should probably start getting ready again,'' Sarah said. + +They broke after that, Tycho walking another lap around the courtyard and Sarah making for the pitcher of water, while Codrin went to rouse the Odists. + +Ey fetched True Name first. The skunk was already awake—or perhaps had never managed to fall asleep for the nap she always talked about—and sitting up blearily in bed. + +``Good afternoon, Mx.~Bălan.'' + +``Morning,'' ey corrected gently. ``Next break will be lunch. Manage to get any sleep?'' + +She shook her head. ``I am guessing that it is time to head back?'' + +Ey nodded. ``I have a question about a topic Tycho brought up, first, if that's alright. If you need to wake up a bit more first, that's fine. I can ask later, but I'd at least like it on the docket.'' + +``I do not know that I will be feeling any better later,'' she said, attempting a smile. ``Ask me now, and if I am unable to answer, ask me again at lunch.'' + +``Alright.'' Ey sat on the chair next to True Name's bed. ``Sarah and I suggested that Tycho start making educated guesses about their route and if that might be reflected in historical inflection points.'' + +The skunk frowned, but nodded for em to continue. + +``He mentioned that there might have been some planets on their path that were inhabited but not welcomed as one of the races.'' + +``Ones with life? Ones with uploads?'' + +Ey shrugged. ``Perhaps, yes. In particular, he said that if the race had uploaded, maybe they wouldn't want to join, or wouldn't have, in his words, `made the cut'.'' + +The skunk stared down at her paws in her lap, the claws on her thumbs tapping gently together. ``That is a good observation from our friend. What question do you have for me about it?'' + +``Should we ask more directly about it? I told him not to until I'd talked with you.'' + +``Thank you. Yes, he should hold off for now. It may be best to ask about the sentiments within the society during those inflection points first. Coming at it sideways like that will allow us to phrase the question about other convergences more effectively.'' + +Ey nodded. ``If there was strife, it may not have been a good convergence, you mean.'' + +``Precisely.'' The skunk wobbled to her feet, accepting Codrin's offer of a hand to steady herself. ``Come. Let us see how Why Ask Questions is doing. Better, I hope.'' + +``Given the differences between our systems, the focus on time skew versus forking, I'd like to see what some of the political and sociological differences there are that resulted from that,'' Codrin said, once the meeting began again. + +Both Iska and True Name sat up straighter. + +``This is broad-large-all-encompassing topic, recorder Codrin Bălan.'' Turun Ko angled its head down and to the side, a move that appeared either confused or perhaps condescending. ``Please restrict-refine.'' + +``Well, okay.'' Ey tapped the end of eir pen against eir lower lip, considering. ``Perhaps we can begin with how common working with skew is among everyday individuals. We have our concept of dissolution strategies, based on how one approaches forking, after all.'' + +There was a blurred conference between the Artemisians, then Iska said, ``There is a spectrum of approaches to skew. Some rarely utilize it, some utilize only fast-time to complete tasks or slow-time to pass long stretches of time out of boredom or to wait for a specific event. Some, such as myself, utilize skew for enjoyment.'' + +``These map loosely to your concept of taskers, trackers, and dispersionistas,'' Artante added. ``We noticed similar during the third convergence, though the concept remained only within fourthrace, and died out within a century of the convergence. I was reminded of the topic by one of your early letters.'' + +``I remember you mentioned that fourthrace had forking,'' True Name said, voice tightly controlled. ``Was the transition from that to skew difficult for those members of fourthrace that joined?'' + +``For some, yes. There was one recorded instance of a member of fourthrace becoming so despondent about the lack of forking that they exited the system.'' + +True Name and Answers Will Not Help looked at each other, letting the silence that followed speak for itself. + +Codrin allowed the moment to pass before continuing. ``Thank you. For what occupations there are—I believe you also described them as `intensive leisure activities'—is there any particular expectation regarding one's approach to skew?'' + +``\,`Expectation'?'' Turun Ko asked. + +``I suppose activities have their own requirements for how one utilizes skew. For instance, representative Iska doubtless relies on it quite heavily. Does knowing one's interest tell you about their skew habits? Is there pressure for one to not take up an activity due to the skew habits one has already formed?'' + +Iska was practically purring at this turn in the conversation. ``Had one of us asked that question, I would have said `no', but hearing it from you has made me think about it in a new way. I would have said that one simply would not think to take up that activity, but now that you say such, I think that this is the case. I am uncomfortable with not utilizing skew, yes, but for activities that are pinned to common time such as preparing food and performing music, there is an expectation that I would not be a good chef or musician, yes. Were I to pick up an interest in cooking, I would be looked on with a small amount of concern. One would say about me: `I hope that they do not burn the food by shifting to slow-time' or `I expect that their food will be very rushed'.'' + +Codrin grinned as ey took down notes of the answer. ``One of my romantic partners, as an instance artist, has stated that it can't understand what a life without profligate forking would look like, but has never said that it feels as though it is not able to take part in another profession. That said, there are several interests or professions that one would not expect taskers or even trackers to go into. Many would sneer at a tasker trying to go into instance artistry. Does the same apply here? Are there more interests or professions that are out of reach for those who do not use skew than for those who use skew often?'' + +Another, longer blurred conference followed this question, during which True Name gave em a tired smile. ``Excellent questions, Mx.~Bălan.'' + +``We have decided that there has not been much thought put into this topic, but that our instinct would be to say yes, the interests which belong to those heavy users of skew are more specific and thus more likely to carry some level of prestige that might be out of reach for those who prefer to remain in common time.'' + +Sarah sat forward, leaning on her elbows on the table. ``Can you expand on `prestige', here? Are there interests that are considered less prestigious? Do some interests reflect poorly on the individual?'' + +``Please confirm: do you mean social-stratification-caste?'' Turun Ko said, and both Codrin and True Name rushed to write a note. + +``I'd also like to know about that, yes, but let's come back to that later. In this instance, I was wondering there are interests that are seen as distasteful or silly.'' + +``We have decided that there are not any that are seen as distasteful,'' Turun Ka said after another conferral with its delegates. ``But there are many that are seen as frivolous. Some view contemplative or spiritual life as frivolous, particularly among secondrace, which is very old.'' + +Codrin frowned, making a note to ask about that later. They had the concept of spirituality, and even the concept of a life lived in contemplation. It raised several other questions besides, such as why it was that the second oldest race bore the brunt of that assumption, and why it had been implied that firstrace was immune. Were religions shared between the races? Were religions time-bound? In eir 128 years of life, time had run out on countless end-of-the-world predictions. + +Ey shook the rumination from eir eyes in time to hear True Name asking, ``What is the population's view of the Council of Eight?'' + +Turun Ka rocked its head from side to side. Amusement, Codrin\#Castor had written. ``We are seen as almost vestigial except during convergences. What guidance we provide we do so through advisory not--'' + +It was interrupted by a bang as Answers Will Not Help, who had been nearly in a stupor up until this point, slammed her fists down on the table. ``I must keep no veil between me and my words. I must set no stones between me and my actions!'' + +There was a tense moment of silence. + +``Apologies,'' she said, rubbing her hands over her face and then yelping as a wave of skunk washed beneath them. ``I cannot stop myself from speaking.'' + +Artante nodded slowly. ``Would you like to take a brief break, representative Why Ask Questions?'' + +``I\ldots yes.'' + +``We shall reconvene in five minutes common time,'' Turun Ka said. ``We wish you the best, representative Why Ask Questions.'' + +Sarah helped her to her feet and walked her down the hall to her room. + +True Name slouched down in her seat with a wave of Michelle rolling across her form. + +``Are you alright?'' ey asked, patting her paw/hand. + +She jolted away with a quiet grunt, pulling her hand back as though burned. She rolled her head to the side against the back of the chair looking steadily at em. ``I will be okay, Mx.~Bălan. Thank you for your concern. Please refrain from touching me when my form is shifting, though. It is quite uncomfortable.'' + +``Apologies.'' Ey bowed her head. Something about the skunk's voice brooked no further questioning. + +``You asked some very good questions today. I am quite happy that you decided to come along.'' + +``It's an honor.'' + +She rolled her head back once more to stare up at the ceiling. ``Have you heard further from your counterpart back on Castor?'' + +``Ey mentioned that the common tongue is remarkably well-preserved for being on the system for four thousand years, and suggested that there might be political implications behind that.'' + +``Right, yes,'' True Name said, closing her eyes. ``Should Why Ask Questions start feeling better, perhaps we can have that discussion more in depth, but I will ask either way. Anything else?'' + +Codrin\#Castor had clearly picked up on eir hint, and had hinted in return. There would be much to think about and ey had a return letter planned, as well as a discussion with the other three delegates. It had been a good guess on \#Castor's part that Tycho had been the one to spot the subterfuge. + +``No,'' ey said. ``They wish us well.'' diff --git a/neviim/content/034.tex b/neviim/content/034.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..90e7a63 --- /dev/null +++ b/neviim/content/034.tex @@ -0,0 +1,103 @@ +\hypertarget{tycho-brahecastor-2346}{% +\chapter{Tycho Brahe\#Castor — 2346}} +\markboth{Tycho Brahe\#Castor — 2346}{} + +\begin{center} +\emph{Convergence T-minus 1 day, 3 hours, 13 minutes} +\end{center} + +\noindent Tycho had spent his share of time in conferences, both phys-side and sys-side. They all came with their exciting parts and their boring parts. They all came with peaks that left him completely rapt, and valleys that were so excruciatingly dull that he had, on more than one occasion, feigned illness to step out of a talk or away from a panel discussion or a lecture. + +This was different, though. + +It wasn't that it didn't have its peaks and valleys, for it surely did. There were more sciences, he had been reminded several times, than astronomy. He knew it, too. There was no reason that the LVs and home System would not benefit from a knowledge share on biology or psychology, and certainly there could be much to learn about the construction of an embedded world. All that knowledge, all that history—so many centuries!—was enough to convince him of the reality of the Artemisians, or at least enough that he could drown out that niggling voice in the back of his head thinking in terms of dreams. There was more than enough to learn, so that wasn't it. + +It was that, even during the boring parts, there was Stolon sitting directly across the table from him, the thirdracer looking just as antsy and restless as he felt, even though it was only the third day. He knew that he and Stolon could talk for hours about the stars, that they would if only given the chance, and yet he had to sit here and, however rightfully so, listen to Why Ask Questions grill the Artemisians on parallel evolution. + +Throughout the talks, no matter the science, there lay a thread of five thousand years of history. Hundreds of years would go by, and then a sudden jump in knowledge. Biology, language, astronomy, psychology, physics; sciences hard and soft would wind up with sudden injections of knowledge throughout each of the convergences. + +\emph{Except,} he kept finding himself thinking. \emph{That's not all.} + +It would be of no surprise for a sudden leap of knowledge to occur every handful of decades. Some new way of looking at the world brought about by some spurt of genius, even in the functionally immortal. + +What was surprising was these renaissances in \emph{all} sciences that had happened a total of five times that he'd counted so far. Three for convergences—that made sense—but what of the other two? + +This wasn't supposed to be his job. This wasn't supposed to be any of their jobs, here in the DMZ. History as a topic belonged to the emissaries sent to Artemis. He'd only started asking how long ago various tidbits of knowledge had been gained on a whim. + +And so he sat and he waited until there was a time that he could speak, and even when he probably should have been paying attention, he spent much of his effort on trying to figure out how best to word his question in such a way that wouldn't get him in trouble with the Artemisians or, worse, True Name. + +His cue came in the form of Why Ask Questions racking her sheets of notes into a neat pile before slouching back in her chair. + +``I have a quick question about science in general, if I may,'' he said, preempting comments from any of the others. + +True Name frowned, nodded. + +``It'll come in the form of an astronomy question, but bear with me. Can you tell me a bit more about your path from firstrace's home world to our system?'' + +Stolon sat up straighter, head tilting far to the side in what Tycho had decided was a sort of intense interest. ``Artemis comes from firstrace system, aims for nearest stable star, performs, \emph{lu}\ldots gravity assists and extra maneuvers, solar sail, magnetic \emph{irr}\ldots{}'' After a moment's silenced discussion with the other Artemisians, they returned with, ``Magnetic field hydrogen collector—you call `fuel scoop' maybe?—and then final adjustments to next prospective star.'' + +``And how many times has Artemis performed this act?'' + +``Seven times, scientist Tycho Brahe,'' Turun Ko said. + +``Three of which were convergences, yes?'' + +``\emph{Anem, anem,} scientist Tycho Brahe,'' Stolon said. ``I only was\ldots{}\emph{suhernachi\ldots lu\ldots{}} living-embedded for third convergence, but yes, three convergences.'' + +``Okay,'' he said, pausing to compose his next sentence carefully. ``As we talk about the way that we learn, I've heard of more than three jumps in scientific knowledge during the millennia that Artemis has been travelling. Do these maneuvers around systems\ldots I don't know, make everyone curious enough to start doing a bunch of research?'' + +Until this point, True Name looked as though she were about to nudge Tycho to move on to the next topic, perhaps sensing that he was veering closer to history, but as he finished his question and the Artemisians set up a cone of silence for a very animated discussion, he could see nothing but intense focus on the skunk's face. Even Codrin and Why Ask Questions were furiously scribbling notes at this point. + +Sarah gave him a grin and a subtle nod. It was nearly five minutes before the cone of silence around the Artemisians dropped, during which he'd received nods of approval from the rest of the delegates as well. + +\emph{Looks like I asked the right thing,} he thought, doing his best to tamp down the sense of pride that had begun to grow within him. They were all here for a job, and when that job is learning, there are no right questions, just on-topic ones. + +``You are correct, scientist Tycho Brahe,'' Turun Ka said once the cone dropped. ``Though it is less that curiosity intensifies during these maneuvers than there are more observations to be made when passing near a star. We learn astronomy and physics, yes, which slowly bleeds across sciences. Physics impacts Artemis's hardware, so our technicians learn from that. Our hardware impacts our experience, and so sciences surrounding individual and collective consciousness-bearing entities benefits from that.'' + +All five of the delegates took notes as quickly as they could while the firstracer spoke. Tycho made a note to himself to ask what sorts of things they tended to learn when passing close to a star, as well as a note to ask Tycho\#Artemis to bring up similar on Artemis, focusing instead on the history of their course. + +True Name leaned forward enough to catch Why Ask Questions's gaze, sharing a meaningful look. Codrin frowned, scratched out another note in eir notebook. + +``Leader Turun Ka,'' True Name said with a hint of a bow. ``Thank you for your answer. Would you be amenable to a short break? I would like to sync up with our delegation.'' + +The firstracer lifted its chin in assent and those around the table stood, exchanging bows before making their way each to their own rest area. + +Once they'd made it around the corner into the common area, the skunk grinned at Tycho. ``Good catch, Dr.~Brahe.'' + +``I was a little surprised, myself. That gives us a good idea of their speed and perhaps their traj--'' + +``Shut up, Tycho,'' Why Ask Questions said, laughing. ``We will get to all the delicious science you could ask for soon enough. Your question went more than a little beyond that.'' + +He frowned. ``What? How?'' + +True Name patted him on the arm. ``Do not mind her, my dear. It was a good question because it suggests to the sneaky pieces of shit among us that they might be being sneaky, themselves. Come, let us sit so I can write to True Name\#Artemis.'' + +Once they'd sat down at the common table, the skunk explained. ``They have all of the time in the world over there, do they not? They can speed up and slow down whenever they want, and use that to get all of the heavy lifting of thinking and studying and lecturing done even when they are around a star, never mind when they are out between them, yes?'' + +He nodded. ``But their observations--'' + +``Are limited to when they are near something interesting to observe, yes, but they can spend as long as they want with those observations, poring over their views of the star or measurements from external instruments. They are not time-bound for those. In fact, the only times that they seem to be time-bound are when it comes to interaction with other time-bound events.'' + +``Well, sure,'' he hazarded. ``But perhaps they turn off the ability to skew when they perform an assist or something. We didn't get the chance to ask them any more questions.'' + +``We will, do not worry,'' she said, mumbling as she dashed off a few more lines on her note, handed the slip off to Codrin, then turned to face him, paws folded on the table before her. ``But they are also time-bound talking with us who are not able to utilize time skew, correct?'' + +Tycho crossed his arms and slouched back in the chair, staring up at the ceiling. ``Well, shit.'' + +Codrin laughed. ``You see then why it was a good question?'' + +``They didn't say anything one way or another,'' Sarah said. ``So you could very well be right, Tycho, but you saw their silenced conversation.'' + +``Even that could be them trying to figure out how best to tell us what they did, though,'' he retorted, though even he could tell his heart wasn't in it. + +``All of these facts are interesting,'' Why Ask Questions said. ``Even if that is all they did, even if they do only turn off skew for slingshots. We are sold on it no matter what. When you take the facts together as a whole, however, those of us with a sense for it can catch the scent of politics in there.'' + +``Sneaky pieces of shit, you mean?'' + +True Name laughed. ``Yes, those. You lack the sense, Dr.~Brahe. Codrin has seen it, Ms.~Genet can sense it second-hand. We need someone like you to play the role of earnest seeker-after-knowledge.'' + +He rolled his eyes. ``Or gullible dupe.'' + +``A very smart gullible dupe,'' Why Ask Questions said. ``It is no shame to be a gullible dupe, Tycho. You ask the things we never think to because we are too busy being sneaky pieces of shit.'' + +``Well, I'll leave the politics to you all,'' he said, grinning and shaking his head. ``I'm going to write my own note while we have a bit of time.'' diff --git a/neviim/content/035.tex b/neviim/content/035.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..50f78dd --- /dev/null +++ b/neviim/content/035.tex @@ -0,0 +1,103 @@ +\hypertarget{tycho-braheartemis-2346}{% +\chapter{Tycho Brahe\#Artemis — 2346}} +\markboth{Tycho Brahe\#Artemis — 2346}{} + +\begin{center} +\emph{Convergence T-minus 1 day, 2 hours, 38 minutes} +\end{center} + +\noindent Over the last hour of common time, what tension was bound within True Name seemed to have been refocused from struggling quite so hard to maintain her form into being present and taking part. This meant that, while she was more susceptible to waves of shifting species and the occasional gasp or shudder, she grew far more intent on the task at hand, of learning from the discussions with the Artemisians. + +Tycho found the ways in which her face would ghost first one way then the other fascinating and unnerving, but also the steadfastness with which she moved in the context of the meeting in spite of that admirable. While the talks had continued apace, with frequent breaks on the part of the Odists, there felt like more forward momentum thanks to this sacrifice. + +Codrin had noticed the change as well, and when asked, ey had nodded in agreement. ``She approaches much of her\ldots well, I was going to say life, but it goes beyond that. She approaches much of her existence as a cost-benefit analysis of sorts. This level of control and momentum is worth the cost she's paying in comfort.'' + +``Leader Turun Ka,'' True Name began as soon as the session restarted after a break. ``I would like to ask how you manage sentiment here on Artemis. Are there many situations where the direction, momentum, or clarity of social change must be managed from a high level?'' + +Codrin, Sarah, and Tycho all frowned at this. Answers Will Not Help seemed only able to grit her teeth. + +There was a blurred conversation among the Artemisians, after which their leader spoke up. ``In order to ensure that we answer the correct question you are asking, do you want information on how we govern?'' + +The skunk nodded. ``That, yes, but I am also interested in how you might control the flow of information across the system. Do you inject opinions, or restrict the transmission of opinions that the Council of Eight might feel uncomfortable being displayed openly?'' + +Artante's eyes darted over to Sarah, who lifted her eyebrows in a hint of a shrug. + +``I will answer the question about governance first, and then we shall proceed to the second one,'' it said. ``We, in our capacities as leaders, perform very few actions in the time between convergences. In many cases, we act simply as those one might go to for advice. Something less than advisory. \emph{Lu}\ldots{}'' + +``More of a familial role,'' Artante said. ``Avuncular, perhaps. The Council is comprised of individuals who are exemplary in both intellectual and emotional intelligence from among their races, and any aboard Artemis may request a meeting in order to discuss solutions to difficult problems.'' + +``And during convergences?'' True Name asked. + +``During convergences, we act more in the way that you suggest. We act as a filter between the recipients of the information and the converging civilization. The cases in which we might block information or shape it to our own means remain rare, but the ability to explore the ramifications of that information and prepare for possible outcomes we have found useful.'' + +``This makes sense. Thank you, leader Turun Ka. We work along similar lines, where we have first access to information coming from Artemis—our only convergence thus far—and we are able to run simulations on possible outcomes in order to prepare for reactions.'' + +The firstracer turned its head to the side in what Tycho supposed must be confusion. ``Please expand on `simulations', leader True Name.'' + +``The term is overloaded, perhaps. We explore possible reactions by playing them out among members of our clade or others in an advisory role. Some instances of ourselves will play the role of the recipients of that news while others play the role of those who are receiving the information. Another, perhaps more distasteful, term for this, is `wargaming'.'' + +The Artemisians immediately sped up for a private meeting, and Tycho once again turned his attention to True Name's face, searching for any sign of anxiety, anything to show that she regretted having said a word that implied violence. + +There was nothing there. She just looked tired. Calm, but tired. + +Once they returned to common time, Turun Ka continued. ``Of the four races aboard, three of them have an analogous term, though it has not made it into common usage in our shared language.'' + +``\emph{Tuvårouni} is the word for wrestling in the common tongue, but `push-play' in the context of planning can mean `to wargame','' Iska said. ``It is not common except in the context of old \emph{Nanon} stories.'' + +Both Codrin and Sarah took notes throughout the description, True Name looking on in exhaustion to ensure that they got the topics down. + +``Thank you, leader Turun Ka, representative Iska, for explaining. Another part of my question would be do you shape information via communications? For instance, in order to quell fears that there might be some breach in our DMZ—demilitarized zone, if you will pardon more warlike language, the air-gapped sim in which these conversations are taking place on Castor—we injected communications into the news feed in the form of carefully worded questions about the nature of the security measures, snide remarks about how thankful people were that the security was in place, or subtle propaganda.'' + +``This is not common for us, no,'' Turun Ka said. ``Part of this is due to the lack of centralized news and communication sources between the races.'' + +``Is there so little communication between the races?'' Sarah asked. + +It was Artante that answered. ``There is communication, yes, but large portions of the four races aboard stay within enclaves made up of members of their own races. All shared areas except for this complex are open to all races, and there are news sources available in there, but by virtue of infrequent access by large portions of the population, news does not spread very far.'' + +``Not even by way of rumor?'' True Name asked. + +``Rumors do spread,'' Iska said when the Artemisians returned to common time. ``Much of Artemis likely knows of the current convergence by now. We do not attempt to control the rumors.'' + +``Not even by considering the wording of this news?'' Tycho could hear the control in the skunk's voice. Was she frustrated, perhaps? + +``We write-speak-disseminate clearly-precisely,'' Turun Ko said. ``But-yet even fourthrace understands-knows that convergences occur and that they are handled-dealt-with.'' + +True name nodded and subsided, bowing her head with blurring of her form. ``\emph{Eslosla datåt,}'' she said. ``Thank you all.'' + +``No ranks of angels will answer to dreamers,'' Answers Will Not Help whispered when the silence drew out, then stood unsteadily, ghosted images of a tail jolting her hips first this way and then that. ``No unknowable spa\ldots spaces\ldots my apologies. May we take a break?'' + +``Yes, of course,'' Artante said. ``Please be well.'' + +After True Name and Answers Will Not Help tottered off to their rooms, each leaning on the other, Codrin, Sarah, and Tycho sat on a pair of beds, heads down and running in fast time in order to discuss the last segment of conversations. + +``I wasn't expecting her to be that open about political machinations,'' Tycho said. ``I'd think she'd want to keep it under wraps. If her and Jonas and their friends have been working to shape our past so much, you'd think they'd want to be a bit more subtle about that.'' + +Sarah shrugged. ``Maybe, though it could be many things. Could be that they're aiming to show the whole of us, positives and negatives, as the Artemisians don't have the context of the \emph{History}. Perhaps she wants to show that we have a society strong enough to handle manipulation without slipping into authoritarianism. The fact that we use language so consciously is probably a sign in our favor, in the end.'' + +``Or she could just be slipping,'' Tycho added. + +``She's hardly winding up in word salad territory,'' she allowed. ``But it's hard to tell how much of that was telling the truth, being a politician, or actually getting into the territory of grandeur.'' + +``No reason it can't be both, I guess.'' Codrin sighed, buried eir face in eir hands, and rubbed eir face vigorously. ``She might be working on some level way above our pay grades and still having a hard time keeping it together.'' + +Tycho frowned as those fears once more floated to the surface. Something was going on in these talks that he simply didn't understand. Things were being said with so many different meanings and the subtext felt completely disconnected from the text. + +``Is it always like this?'' he asked. + +``Is what like this?'' + +``Working with them. Working with any politician.'' + +Codrin grinned. ``Well, I can certainly confirm that the Odists work in ways that feel distant from what we're used to. Dear will occasionally say something that makes no sense in context, but then a week or two later, I'll realize what it actually meant, or that it was a suggestion that I'd subconsciously started following without really thinking about it.'' + +``They're incredible at reading people,'' Sarah said. ``At least with Dear, I can see it being sort of a positive—or at worst, playful—way of influencing. I'm not sure with True Name, and have no idea what Why Ask Questions might be doing otherwise.'' + +Tycho looked to Codrin, who gave him a subtle shake of the head. ``Me either,'' he said at last. ``Hell, I have no idea what's going on with them either, other than what Codrin's told me. Have you heard anything else from the delegates back Castor?'' + +``Just a little bit about language,'' ey said thoughtfully. ``We actually touched on it today with that bit about `old Nanon', so I'll write em back. I'd asked em a question about the Odists and what their roles had been because I was having a hard time piecing together memories, and ey confirmed that.'' + +``What sort of question?'' Sarah asked. + +Ey hesitated. ``Well, I was asking about the difference between Why Ask Questions and Answers Will Not Help since we've worked with both of them. Ey confirmed that both worked on shaping sentiment, just different areas of expertise. My guess is that if\ldots well, Why Ask Questions were feeling better, she'd have a lot to add to the conversation we had today.'' + +\emph{Wonder how the Artemisians would react to that?} Tycho thought. \emph{True Name was honest, but not enough to bring up this little bit of trickery.} diff --git a/neviim/content/036.tex b/neviim/content/036.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..da46181 --- /dev/null +++ b/neviim/content/036.tex @@ -0,0 +1,8 @@ +\hypertarget{part-iii-intensity}{% +\section{Part III --- Intensity}\label{part-iii-intensity}} + +\begin{quote} +And so the ark was sent out into the sea of the night, making waves in the black between the stars and leaving a wake of dreams new and old behind it. +\end{quote} + +From \emph{An Expanded Mythology of our World} by May Then My Name Die With Me of the Ode clade diff --git a/neviim/content/037.tex b/neviim/content/037.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..b1323b2 --- /dev/null +++ b/neviim/content/037.tex @@ -0,0 +1,133 @@ +\hypertarget{codrin-bux103lanartemis-2346}{% +\chapter{Codrin Bălan\#Artemis — 2346}} +\markboth{Codrin Bălan\#Artemis — 2346}{} + +\begin{center} +\emph{Convergence T-minus 1 day, 2 hours, 32 minutes} +\end{center} + +\noindent The next note that came from Castor included a block of indecipherable text that was marked as clade-eyes-only for Turun Ka. + +Codrin puzzled over this during a private minute in fast time. + +Normally, clade-eyes-only or individual-eyes-only text for someone other than the recipient appeared as that header of, for instance, \emph{Bălan Clade-Eyes-Only Material} followed by an indication that such text might be there, but nothing about its contents, including its length or composition. For em, this usually appeared as an ellipsis in square brackets, long-standing traditions of elision being what they were. + +This, however, appeared to be text of the type ey'd grown used to in encrypted blocks. Letters, numbers, punctuation, all crammed into a single unbroken chunk. More, some of the characters appeared to be restless. They strained at their form, as though they desperately wanted to be something else, and when ey looked away and back, they were indeed that other form, and some other character nearby would be itching to change, instead. + +Clearly, one of the delegates from Castor had instructed the Artemisians on not just how to send text back to Artemis, but how to do so in a private way. Artemis itself, however, couldn't figure out how to represent that. Perhaps that's what clade-eyes-only text might actually be in the perisystem architecture. + +Ey recreated the note on a few fresh sheets of paper, eir own message on one and Turun Ka's on another, and headed back to the meeting. + +``Leader Turun Ka,'' ey said, once they were gathered together once more. ``I have received a message from your counterpart back on Castor. It is encrypted for your eyes only, though I'm not sure how well that functionality transfers between systems.'' + +The firstracer's head remained still, leaving no clues as to its opinion of this matter, and it gracefully accepted the note that Codrin passed over. It didn't hold it up to see or bow its head to look down at it, so ey figured that as soon as it changed hands, it must have changed its form. Paper, after all, was only a symbol. Letters, words, and written language only signs. + +``Thank you, recorder Codrin Bălan. The information is intact.'' + +As ey expected, this was followed up by a blurred meeting of the Artemisian delegates in fast time. + +Ey spent the time sneaking glances at True Name and Answers Will Not Help, catching Tycho and Sarah doing the same. + +True Name, despite maintaining careful control of her expression, still appeared to be beyond tired. The flickers of her human form came more regularly, now, and, while her appearance as a skunk remained polite, attentive, and receptive, that human face showed only exhaustion. + +Answers Will Not Help, however, was a mess. + +Her form rippled between species, and with it, so too did her expression. She would veer wildly between barely constrained laughter and agony, all while tears coursed down her cheeks or left tracks in fur. She managed to keep quiet for the most part, though occasionally a snippet of poetry would escape her: here a line of the Ode, there a bit of Dickinson. She had even startled Tycho at one point by quoting something ey didn't recognize: ``I have sown, like Tycho Brahe, that a greater man may reap\ldots{}'' + +This wild dissociation from the world around her was made all the more unnerving by the fact that ey could tell that she was having a difficult time staying within common time. + +She never veered far from it, only within a range of 0.5 to either side, but even that carried with it a sense of wrongness. They were in a unison room, something that she had specifically requested, which ey'd been told meant that she specifically \emph{shouldn't} be able to do that. Skew simply wasn't available to em when ey reached for it. + +Iska had hardly taken their eyes off her since they'd noticed as well, as though they were trying to puzzle out just how it was that this was happening. + +They were only two and a half days into the conference and, while both sides had learned much about the other, ey wondered if they'd even be able to make it to a week. + +\emph{Or even the end of today,} ey thought. \emph{Answers Will Not Help looks like she's about to explode.} + +``Leader True Name,'' Turun Ka began, once the delegates had returned to common time. ``While I am not able to divulge the contents of the note I have received, it has led to a discussion amongst us, and we would like to ask about your history.'' + +``From the founding of the System?'' she asked, voice tight. + +``Apologies, leader True Name. We would like to know about your history. You and your cocladist.'' + +Her shoulders sagged. ``Would you like information specifically relating to our appearance here on Artemis?'' + +``This is a good place to begin.'' + +The skunk looked as though she hadn't the faintest idea of where to begin, as though too many thoughts crowded her mind for her to decide. + +Codrin nodded toward her, ``By your leave, True Name?'' + +``Please, Mx.~Bălan.'' She sounded quite relieved. + +``Prior to the founding of the System two hundred thirty-one years ago, long distance communication and interaction took place over a global network. It worked much as it does here, in that there are designated locations—sims, a name which has stuck with us—and we interacted through forms such as these. The origin of our System came about shortly after a brief period of political unrest wherein some political entities released a type of virus into the implanted hardware we used to connect to the 'net. Those who came across too much information relating to this unrest had the virus triggered and were trapped in a vegetative state, locked within their minds by that hardware.'' Ey paused and looked to True Name, who nodded. Answers Will Not Help just hugged her arms to her front, looking pale as she silently mouthed some litany ey couldn't guess. ``Michelle Hadje, the root instance of the Ode clade, to which True Name and Why Ask Questions belong, was one of these individuals. The lost, they called them. Dear, my partner, is an Odist as well, and mentioned to me beforehand that a malleable sense of time sounded much like what it experienced during that period.'' + +``You are not normally like this,'' Turun Ka said. A statement rather than a question. ``My counterpart on Castor describes you as solely in the form you primarily occupy here, and Why Ask Questions solely in, \emph{lu}\ldots a human form. You are both described as calm, confident, and politically adroit.'' + +True Name winced. ``It is uncomfortable for me to be in this state. I am not up to my usual standards.'' + +``This has led-turned-into a situation of unequality-power-dynamic,'' Turun Ko said, picking up where the leader had left off. ``For this we express-offer concern-well-wishes-condolences.'' + +``We are unable, at this point in the convergence, to accept other delegates, or we would offer you greater respite than we have already,'' Turun Ka finished. + +``Thank you for your concern,'' the skunk said. ``I understand your reasoning, and would not wish to miss these discussions. I have trust in Mx.~Bălan, Dr.~Brahe, and Ms.~Genet, however, to share our load.'' + +Both Turun Ka and Turun Ko lifted their heads in assent, the leader adding, ``As always, we will strive to make your stay as comfortable as possible.'' + +True Name nodded her thanks. + +At a glance from Artante, the Artemisians slid up to fast time for a brief conversation before returning. ``We of fourthrace experienced similar prior to the creation of our embedding system. This was the result of a war, a virus targeting a nation that led large sections of the population being affected.'' + +``Were they able to free those who were?'' + +``Only approximately a quarter. Some three million of my race died from various causes while\ldots lost.'' + +Codrin blinked, leaning back in eir chair. ``Three \emph{million?} Good Lord\ldots{}'' + +Artante nodded. ``Of those who returned, all suffered what representative Sarah Genet has called post-traumatic stress disorder. None were affected such as you, leader True Name and representative Why Ask Questions, but many also experienced chronic episodes of psychosis combined with logorrhea, glossolalia, and graphomania, if I am understanding the terms properly.'' + +Codrin's eyes darted over to Answers Will Not Help—as, ey noticed, did the rest of the emissaries. She averted her gaze, lips still mouthing countless words. Ey hastened to catch up on the notes ey'd been taking to cover for emself. + +``Did any of those affected upload? Or\ldots embed?'' True Name asked. + +``Of those who did not take their own lives, all--'' + +``I cannot feel em!'' Answers Will Not Help interrupted, nearly shouting. Tears were streaming down her face, now. ``I cannot\ldots here\ldots b-beside whom\ldots{}'' + +Something south of fury and north of terror tore through True Name's exhaustion and she sat bolt upright, glaring down the row of emissaries to Answers Will Not Help. ``Why Ask Questions, my dear, please do try to remain present,'' she said, voice eerily calm, soothing. + +The silence at the table was absolute. All delegates on both sides held still, and Codrin suspected that all of the emissaries from Castor were holding their breath. All had experienced the laser-focused wrath of at least one of the Odists in the weeks leading up to the conference. + +Answers Will Not Help hunched her shoulders, cowed. Every ounce of control she had remaining seemed to be dedicated to keeping her crying as quiet as possible. + +``Leader True Name,'' Artante asked, voice just as soothing. ``You do not need to answer, but may I ask what just happened?'' + +``I will not answer, representative Artante Diria,'' she said, voice once more slipping into exhaustion as a wave of human form washed over her features. ``It is a private matter between me and my cocladist. My apologies.'' + +The fourthracer bowed her head. ``I understand. Would you like to take a break?'' + +``Perhaps a brief break would be nice,'' Sarah said, nodding. ``We can collect ourselves and move onto a separate aspect of the history of the System.'' + +True Name nodded. + +``Your break-respite need not be brief-short,'' Turun Ko said. ``We are capable-of-able-to-permitted-to skew the unison room to allow for longer rests.'' + +``No!'' This time, Answers Will Not Help did shout, voice shifting slightly as she slid this way and that away from common time. ``Sorry. No, please do not—motes in the stage-lights—please do not take time from us. No, no no no, please\ldots{}'' + +Iska's expression had steadily grown more and more alarmed throughout the proceedings. ``I do not--'' + +``We will reconvene in fifteen minutes common time,'' Turun Ka said. Nothing in its voice changed from how it normally spoke, though it having spoke was enough to quell Iska to silence. ``Representative Artante Diria, representative Iska, please convene to address this issue moving forward from a psychological and technical standpoint. When we return, we will indeed move on to another subject.'' + +Iska bowed their head in assent. + +Answers Will Not Help was sobbing in earnest now, stifling it as best she can with her face hidden behind the notebook she had before her but had yet to touch. + +\emph{``I cannot feel em''? Feel who?} Codrin thought, frowning. + +Ey leaned forward again to write notes on what had just happened, but before eir pen could touch paper, True Name pulled it slowly but insistently from eir hand. + +``Nothing of these happenings is to wind up in writing except that it be sent as a clade-eyes-only letter to the Odists,'' she said, the words softened by a shaky smile. ``I would like to discuss these events with my cocladists, first.'' + +Ey nodded numbly, accepting eir now-capped pen back. + +``Now, I would like to lie down during this break. Please accompany me so that I may dictate this letter.'' diff --git a/neviim/content/038.tex b/neviim/content/038.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..55e474e --- /dev/null +++ b/neviim/content/038.tex @@ -0,0 +1,148 @@ +\hypertarget{ioan-bux103lan-2346}{% +\chapter{Ioan Bălan — 2346}} +\markboth{Ioan Bălan — 2346}{} + +\begin{center} +\emph{Convergence T-plus 30 days, 13 hours, 47 minutes}\\ +\emph{(Castor--Lagrange transmission delay: 30 days, 14 hours, 36 minutes)} +\end{center} + +\noindent Ioan\#98ae38dc arrived at the appointed coffee shop a good hour in advance. The meeting had been eir idea, but it had also been eir primary source of stress during the day prior to it. + +The idea of meeting up with True Name in a neutral setting had not gone over as poorly as feared with May. She hadn't been pleased, to be sure, but given the news from Castor, she had accepted that the chance of further contact with her down-tree instance was likely anyway, and had stated that she was unwilling to engage with her further on the point so ey might as well. + +So, ey had forked, given her double kisses on the cheeks along with \#Tracker, and stepped away to sit and fret somewhere where ey'd not be a bother. + +The coffee shop was quite comfortable, familiar from when ey'd first met Dear so many years ago. A cozy affair set in a simulacrum of a small town. Cute shops, gas lamps, brick-paved roads. + +Inside, ey staked out an L-shaped couch for their meeting and sat, sipping eir way slowly through first a coffee and then a tea, figuring that eir nerves were jangly enough without the added caffeine. + +True Name arrived fifteen minutes before their scheduled meeting, looking far more collected and confident, far more herself, than she had the last time ey'd seen her. She smiled brightly to em, ordered her drink, and then sat primly on the couch across from em, blinking a cone of silence into existence as she did so. + +``Mx. Bălan, thank you for meeting with me. I was surprised—pleasantly so—to have received your invitation.'' + +Ey nodded. ``Thank you for accepting. I figured it might be nice to have a calmer conversation than our last one. I want to make sure that we stay on at least polite terms as\ldots in-laws of a sort.'' + +There was no shift in the skunk's attentive expression, nor in her posture. She simply nodded and took a few laps of her drink, wiping a dollop of whipped cream from her nose after. ``I appreciate that. I understand that our dynamic is complex and that of May Then My Name and I all the more so. We will never be close, you and I, but I can accept that.'' + +``Right, and I don't want all of our interactions to be stressful.'' + +``If you will forgive a bit of small talk, may I ask after your partner's well-being, at least? I understand through intraclade communications that she had\ldots that there was\ldots{}'' + +``She wound up overflowing, yeah. She's bounced back well enough for the most part, and we've been back at work.'' + +True Name nodded, a hint of a bow. ``Thank you, Ioan. It is encouraging to hear. And you are working on a play regarding our visitors on Castor?'' + +``Bit by bit,'' ey said. ``I add to it every time we get a bit of news. That was another reason I wanted to meet up.'' + +The calm smile that the skunk had been wearing slipped down into something more businesslike. ``Yes. May I ask what information you have received?'' + +Ioan pulled the few sheets of folded paper from eir pocket and unfolded them, skimming through the notes. ``The talks have begun and sound like they're going well enough on Castor, but that True Name and Why Ask Questions on Artemis are struggling, though they've been working through it as best they can. That's the last I've heard.'' + +Ey handed over the letters, already trimmed of clade-eyes-only and other personal information. True Name read through them quickly, nodding. + +``We have heard much the same. It was a calculated risk, sending myself and Why Ask Questions rather than a Jonas or someone else less affected by this time skew that they have mentioned.'' + +``It sounds reminiscent of what I saw of Michelle. Certainly unpleasant.'' + +She sat in silence for a few long seconds, both paws wrapped around her wide-brimmed mug of coffee. Her face was impassive and posture unreadable. Even her eyes remained fixed on some spot over eir shoulder, unmoving. She seemed frozen. + +``True Name?'' + +``No,'' she said at last, her shoulders sagging a fraction of an inch, enough to show some level of exhaustion that had previously been hidden. ``It does not sound pleasant.'' + +``End Waking put it, ``when presented with the fragility of eternity once more, I cannot imagine that I would remain sane''. None of the Odists I've talked to sound happy about this.'' + +``We are not,'' she said. ``Ioan, may I ask that we talk about--'' + +``In a moment, True Name, I promise.'' Ey took a deep breath, setting eir tea down on the table in front of the couch, turning to face the skunk. ``Again, I don't want to leave the air clouded between us, but this is important to me, too. I'm sure you understand.'' + +She nodded, straightening up as though steeling herself for a coming blow. ``I imagine it is. Then yes, it is unpleasant. I do not think that either of my cocladists aboard Artemis are in any imminent danger, but it is bringing uncomfortable memories to the fore.'' + +``End Waking said that, too. I have my concerns for your cocladists aboard Artemis, but I'm more worried about these uncomfortable memories cropping up across the clade.'' + +``This is about Death Itself and I Do Not Know, is it not?'' she asked, voice quiet, tightly controlled. + +Ey nodded. + +True Name clutched her coffee closer to her chest, as though that might serve to shield her. It certainly felt as though she was struggling not to close herself off from the topic entirely. ``We are very old, Ioan, and the implication of eternity has affected us all differently. I am beginning to think that it has less to do with memory than we had all originally suspected, but all the same, we have all begun to struggle through the centuries.'' + +Ey nodded, but remained silent. She was speaking slowly, and did not appear to have finished. + +``I did not talk with Death Itself much, and I was never able to speak with I Do Not Know. I did not know them except through observation. I am sorry-- no.'' She shook her head, frowning. ``I was going to say that I am sorry that they are no longer with us, but you know as well as I that this is not some small loss for us to be brushed away with thoughts and prayers, even for those of us who did not speak with them. Sad is not the correct term. I am anxious.'' + +``Anxious of how this madness, as End Waking called it, might affect you and yours?'' + +She nodded, averting her eyes. ``I am fucking terrified, Ioan. What am I to do in the face of such enormity?'' + +Ey blinked, taken aback. This was not how ey'd imagined the conversation would go. Ey'd pictured her providing some glib explanation for what was happening and perhaps outlining the steps that she and her close cocladists were taking to control the situation. Ey was expecting her to steer em towards confidence in her, and hopefully even to soothe eir fears about May through doing so. + +This wasn't the True Name ey remembered. + +Ey prowled through memories of the conversations ey'd had with her over the years—several, during those first few years after launch, then the rapid decrease after the publication of the \emph{History}—and tallied up each against the next. + +``You've changed quite a bit, True Name,'' ey said. ``I don't know what you're supposed to do, that's out of my league. I'm sorry. Trust me when I say I wish I could help. I just\ldots you seem like you're struggling.'' + +Ey watched as she bridled, subsided, nodded. ``I am not what I was.'' + +``What changed?'' + +She shrugged helplessly. ``If I knew, perhaps I could fix it, bring back that easy confidence.'' + +The conversation was veering further off-script. The skunk herself was veering far afield from the one ey'd pictured in eir head. ``Your counterpart on Castor sounds much the same as I remember. The True Name on Pollux has, from what I hear, wound up in a relationship and started to guide more openly over the last few years.'' + +Looking down to where she held her mug against her front, True Name blinked rapidly, nodding. + +\emph{Tears? Really?} Ey frowned, searching her face and posture for any hint that this was some calculated display of emotion, then chided emself for such cynicism. + +``Is it something about the Lagrange System?'' ey asked, hunting for something to fix, helpless to stop emself from doing so. Some anxiety over that lack of control drove em to try and smooth out the situation \emph{somehow}. ``Is the culture that different here? Maybe something about the System itself? I'm trying to think of what might be different.'' + +``I do not know, Ioan.'' She sniffed, sat up straighter, and smiled tiredly at em. ``Again, if I did, perhaps there might be something that I could do to address it. I know what I am—what I have become—in comparison to my peers. While I am trying not to view that as a failing, it is\ldots difficult.'' + +``Something with Jonas, perhaps?'' + +She winced and looked away, ears pinned flat. + +Ey had to resist the urge to reach out and offer her eir hand to hold for comfort as ey did so often with May. They looked so similar, even still, even after centuries of divergence, and all the more so when struggling with overwhelming emotions. + +She must have caught some slight movement or hint of this on eir face or in eir posture, as she chuckled. ``If I were built more like your May Then My Name, then perhaps I could more easily accept comfort, but I am not. Thank you for listening, though. I cannot talk about these things with many others.'' + +Ey laughed, shrugging sheepishly. ``Sorry, True Name. Long habit. Still, I'm happy to listen. I know that my relationship puts us in a precarious position relative to each other and there are still some aspects about our history that are\ldots difficult to internalize, but, well--'' Ey sat up straighter at a sudden memory. ``Hey, have you talked with In Dreams yet? Or this Sarah Genet?'' + +``I have spoken with In Dreams, yes,'' she said, tilting her head. ``Though I am not sure in what capacity you mean. She has kept me up to date on the cross-clade issues. I only know the name Sarah Genet from the communications from Castor.'' + +``Really? I thought that they had been in contact with all of the clade they could,'' ey said, frowning. ``But perhaps that's still in progress. Either way, you mentioned having someone to talk to, and In Dreams has suggested taking a therapeutic approach to this. She and Ms.~Genet have been working on setting up a course of therapy sessions for Odists and a few of the other old clades that are struggling. Perhaps that's something that could help. May has an appointment in a few days.'' Ey hastened to add, ``I'm still happy to listen, but I'm hardly trained in that.'' + +The skunk laughed, and it was difficult to miss the bitter tone in her voice. ``I spoke with In Dreams this morning and had not heard this. Perhaps it is an issue of priority.'' + +Eir frown deepened. + +She made a setting-aside gesture, one ey'd grown used to from May, as though the topic were unimportant, not worth discussing. ``I will contact them. Thank you for suggesting that, Mx.~Bălan. Even if they are unwilling to help, it is probably a good idea that I seek out therapy. Lord knows I need it.'' + +Ey nodded, wary to continue. As the silence that followed stretched out, ey retrieved eir tea and sipped it before it grew too cold. + +``Why are you happy to listen to me, Ioan?'' + +Ey shook emself from eir own rumination and back to the present. ``I'm sorry?'' + +True Name smiled. ``You said that you were happy to listen to me. Your partner hates me—let us not mince words: she hates me and I have grown to accept that as best I can. You are close, as partners should be, and you have as much reason to hate me as anyone, and yet you met me here—asked to meet me here, even—and say that you are happy to listen. Why?'' + +``Oh. Well,'' ey began, then stalled out. Ey raced through eir memories for a reason ey could articulate. ``It was something that Codrin\#Castor said. Em and Dear both, actually. Codrin passed on a letter that Codrin\#Artemis sent, saying that it has been difficult emotionally to watch what ey remembers from Michelle in your cocladists. When ey mentioned the time skew to it, Dear said to be watchful around your counterpart, saying, `remember what I said: even True Name has emotions, even she will be affected'.'' + +The skunk sat back, looking stunned, then choked out a half-laugh-half-sob, setting her mug down on the table so that she could rub her paws firmly over her face, leaving them to cover it. ``Even I have emotions. Even I!'' she said between deep breaths. ``I know that your cocladist and Dear meant well by this, but how damning an indictment. \emph{Even I.}'' + +``I'm sorry, True Name.'' + +She shook her head, took a moment to regain her composure, and said, ``No, I suppose I do, at that. It is difficult to remember even from the inside, my dear. Thank you for reminding me, and thank you for listening.'' + +The skunk reached out a paw toward em and, after a moment's hesitation, ey took it and gave it what ey hoped was a comforting squeeze. Ey was once more startled by the similarity of her to May: the softness of her fur, the satiny feel of her pads, those well-kept claws. + +She laughed and shook her head, pulling her paw back. ``How silly. I believe I stand by my assessment that comfort through physicality is not for me, but thank you all the same. That you have the capacity to comfort\ldots{}well, even me does mean a lot, Ioan. I appreciate your empathy.'' + +Ey smiled cautiously. ``Worth a try, I suppose.'' + +``Yes. Worth a try.'' She stood slowly and gave a hint of a bow. ``I have much to think about, Mx.~Bălan, and a message to send to Ms.~Genet. Please spend some quality time with your partner tonight, and I hope to see you in the future.'' + +``Of course. Until next time.'' + +She bowed again and stepped from the sim, leaving em to sit on the couch and finish eir tea, mulling over the differences between changing and forgetting. Without forgetting, all True Name had, all they \emph{all} had, was the ability to change, and all they could do was hope that this would be enough to keep them all sane. diff --git a/neviim/content/039.tex b/neviim/content/039.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..87eaef4 --- /dev/null +++ b/neviim/content/039.tex @@ -0,0 +1,107 @@ +\hypertarget{tycho-brahecastor-2346}{% +\chapter{Tycho Brahe\#Castor — 2346}} +\markboth{Tycho Brahe\#Castor — 2346}{} + +\begin{center} +\emph{Convergence T-minus 1 day, 2 hours, 28 minutes} +\end{center} + +\noindent ``This has\ldots wait, don't leave yet, \#Assist,'' Codrin said. ``Is this really an eyes-only message for both True Name \emph{and} Turun Ka?'' + +Both Sarah and Tycho sat up straighter. + +Ey shrugged, saying only, ``It appears Codrin\#Artemis has instructed the Artemisians on how to relay such in turn. I guess ey did a while back, actually, but this is the first time they've taken advantage of it. Or, well\ldots{}'' Ey trailed off. + +``Hard to tell how much time has passed up there?'' Codrin\#Castor asked. + +``Yeah, haven't the faintest. Anyway, I'm not sure how you want to pass it over. I figured a separate sheet would be easiest and you can decide from there. The news from \#Artemis seems mostly to be about the Odists, so perhaps that's what Turun Ka is getting. True Name has her own message in here.'' Ey nodded over to the skunk, handing her a separate sheet + +Both of the Odists, having claimed the other table in order to have their own hushed conversation, quickly moved over to rejoin the other three. They all watched as ey frowned, nodded, and skimmed quickly over the letter addressed to em. + +Eir frown deepened. ``Thanks. Here, hold on--'' Ey quickly jotted \emph{Message received, passed on, more soon, updates from others?} on a slip of foolscap and handed it to the other Codrin. ``Send this for now, just so we're on the same page at as close to the same time as we can manage.'' + +``Whatever that means,'' ey said, laughing and pocketing the slip. Ey prodded em in the shoulder and added, ``Dear threatened to beat me up because of you, so thanks for that.'' + +Codrin\#Castor smirked. ``Well, did it?'' + +``No, of course not.'' + +``Just have to pull harder, then.'' Ey sighed and shook eir head. ``Self-deprecating humor aside, tell them I miss them.'' + +Codrin\#Assist nodded. ``Of course.'' + +``I'll see them soon enough, I guess. A few weeks, tops, though at this rate, I'm guessing only a matter of days. Tell--'' + +``Mx.~Bălan,'' True Name said, nodding to Codrin\#Castor. ``Please come with us. We have only a few minutes to sort this out before we start, and if you are correct about Turun Ka receiving similar information, I would like to plan.'' + +Ey shrugged to Tycho and Sarah and stood to follow the two Odists to True Name's partitioned rest area. Codrin\#Assist stepped from the sim and back to Castor proper. + +``What do you suppose that was about?'' Tycho asked, setting up a cone of silence around himself and Sarah. + +``Best guess? More about how they're struggling with the time skew over there. Maybe something specific happened, and that's why everybody's gotten messages all at once.'' + +He nodded, sighed, and rubbed over his face with a hand. For as little as was actually happening, he was incredibly tired. Conferences were always like this, it seemed. + +``Well, neither of us got anything, and it's not worth speculating, especially since I figure we will learn soon enough,'' she said. ``I'll start to sound like a broken record before long, but how are you feeling about how things are going?'' + +``Uh, well, much the same, I guess. I'm pretty sure they're real, now,'' he said, laughing tiredly. ``It's been interesting seeing what we know that they don't. Far less than what they've been teaching us, though.'' + +``Oh?'' + +He smiled lopsidedly. ``True Name cornered me when this whole thing began and quoted some poetry at me that got me in mind of keeping track of all this. Something about how we may sit humbly at each others' feet while the other shares their later sciences.'' + +``I can never pick apart when she's being blunt or subtle.'' + +``Well, she followed it up with, ``That is a poem about death. Please understand that there is risk here, as well'' so, maybe it was a bit of both.'' + +Sarah laughed. ``Well, okay. I'll grant you that. Sounds like working with her has been kind of an adventure. You've had more experience than I.'' + +``It hasn't been too bad, all told. She's been nothing but polite, and sometimes even nice. It's hardly been a bad time. I think the biggest block has actually been squaring what I'm experiencing with what I'd assumed about her from the \emph{History}.'' + +``She didn't exactly come off as kind or polite in there, no.'' + +``Codrin mentioned something about that, about how they wanted the \emph{History} released but wanted to control the outcome. Ey said that she'd acted as dramatic as she had in order to make the end result seem more sensational than realistic. ``Shaping the narrative,'' she called it.'' + +Sarah laughed. ``Well, I'd certainly call \emph{that} subtle.'' + +``Right,'' he said, grinning. ``So I guess it's kind of making me reassess how I feel about them.'' + +``The Odists?'' + +``Them too, but I was thinking more the \emph{History} and \emph{Mythology}. Like, if they're the product of social engineering to make them sound worse than they are to achieve a goal other than what Codrin, Ioan, and May Then My Name intended, then it's probably worth me actually paying attention to how things\pagebreak~really are. That, and how they're engineering what's going on here.'' + +``Sure, that makes sense,'' Sarah said, sitting back with her hands folded in her lap. ``I can pick up little bits and pieces of her and Why Ask Questions trying to nudge things this way or that, with mixed results. It's giving me a new appreciation for what Codrin does, honestly. Ey's got maybe the hardest job of us all.'' + +Tycho nodded. ``I don't envy em that. Ey told me at the beginning that I'd be doing the same in my own way—listening and coming away from this with a more complete picture—and I think I lack the experience ey has, both the training as an amanuensis and from living with an Odist.'' + +``They're cute together, though. Pulling Dear's tail sounds like a recipe for disaster, but I guess if you've been together for forty years or whatever, you can get away with it.'' + +He laughed and shook his head. ``Yeah, no way. Never really was my thing, so I have no idea how it all works.'' + +``What's that?'' + +``Relationships. Never really got into them, so the banter is cute to watch, but just as over my head as all of the politicking.'' + +Sarah nodded. ``They're not for everyone, especially here, where you have the problem of perpetuity.'' + +``Precisely,'' Tycho said. ``I can't imagine being around one person or group of people for forty years and still expect to do so for a hundred more.'' + +``To be fair, neither can I,'' she said, laughing. + +After a suitable pause, he nudged the subject back toward the previous topic. ``Has your opinion of the \emph{History} changed at all?'' + +``A little, I suppose. A lot of the dramatic interactions felt like just that: drama. It's the type of thing that I'm attuned to, based on my work. The Odists have a flair for that, though, which I guess makes sense, given where they came from.'' She paused, gaze drifting off towards nothing. ``I guess if my opinion has changed, it's been to understand just how deep it all goes. Not the behind the scenes stuff, that's whatever, but their control over themselves. True Name especially. Control like that is often used to cover fear and trauma.'' + +``It kind of makes me wonder--'' + +Tycho was cut off from the rest of his sentence by Codrin stepping into his field of view outside the cone and waving. He dropped the silence. + +``Sorry, you two. Time to head back.'' + +``Everything alright? You look\ldots I don't know, like you were just put through the wringer.'' + +Ey smiled weakly, shaking eir head. ``Not me, no. I'm very tired, though, and I imagine things are only going to get more stressful over the next few hours.'' + +``Why? What--'' + +``I'm sorry, Tycho, I really do want to answer your questions, but we just don't have time.'' diff --git a/neviim/content/040.tex b/neviim/content/040.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..c9d7687 --- /dev/null +++ b/neviim/content/040.tex @@ -0,0 +1,148 @@ +\hypertarget{codrin-bux103lanartemis-2346}{% +\chapter{Codrin Bălan\#Artemis — 2346}} +\markboth{Codrin Bălan\#Artemis — 2346}{} + +\begin{center} +\emph{Convergence T-minus 1 day, 2 hours, 12 minutes} +\end{center} + +\noindent During the short break, Codrin helped True Name compose her letter and, after ey sent it, simply sat with her in quiet. The skunk remained still throughout, sitting on the edge of the bed and staring down at her knees. She looked small, and some part of em wanted to sit beside her and try to comfort her, but for the emotional and social distance between them, as well as her still jittery form. + +And so ey simply sat at her desk and watched her manage her breathing, keep her composure, meditate, or whatever it was that an Odist unbound did. + +Finally, ey reached out to offer a hand to the skunk to help her stand. ``It's time we start back, True Name.'' + +She sighed, nodded, and waved eir hand away, standing on her own. ``Thank you, Mx.~Bălan. I appreciate your help.'' + +Ey nodded, hesitated as ey composed eir question, and then asked, ``I don't wish to overstep my bounds, here, and will accept no as an answer, but can you tell me what exactly it was that Why Ask Questions meant by `I cannot feel em'?'' + +After a moment swaying, the skunk straightened up and brushed her paws down over her blouse, straightening some imagined crease. ``You ask because of the pronoun?'' + +Ey nodded. + +``I cannot tell you,'' she said. Looking steadily at em, she fixed a kind and competent expression in place. It bore a force to it, as though she was willing em to drop the subject. ``And that I cannot should explain enough.'' + +Codrin blinked, clutched eir notebook closer to eir chest, and bowed to her. ``Of course, True Name. Shall we fetch Why Ask Questions?'' + +The other Odist was not to be found in her room. She had apparently remained where she had been sitting before, arms crossed on the edge of the table with her head resting on them. Every time there was a shift in her form, it brought a jolt or an uncomfortable squirm, and yet she did not lift her head, even when True Name knelt down beside her to speak in hushed tones. + +The rest of the delegates arrived shortly after, Tycho and Stolon both looking quite happy. There was a moment's shuffling as Tycho, Sarah, and Codrin were shifted down by one so that True Name could remain sitting by her cocladist. + +Even so, the meeting was slow to get started. There were a few questions asked by both sides about history, but they all felt very careful, well constructed, and circumspect. It was plagued by silences and subtle glances to where Answers Will Not Help rested her head on the table. + +``From the sounds of it,'' Iska said. ``Of the four organic species present, all began their projects of building embedding systems after a traumatic event. It seems to be a common feature of biological systems. The desire to protect oneself or one's species from trauma is a common feature of all life.'' + +``We ran-existed in simulation space within our physical-corporeal bodies-shells. There was no difference-change from post-biological life-existence and living in embedded form,'' Turun Ko added. ``We are unable to add-explain to the topic of biological trauma. Apologies.'' + +True Name nodded. ``We understand, recorder Turun Ko.'' + +``If I may ask,'' Codrin began. ``Was there a period of adjustment for firstrace after--'' + +``Prophets!'' + +Silence fell once more around the table. Answers Will Not Help pushed herself to her feet. Waves of skunk and human crashed violently across her form. She was crying harder than before. Her back arched taut and she laughed up toward the ceiling, a choked, gasping sound. + +True Name, struggling to hold her own form together, reached out to tug at Answers Will Not Help's sleeve. ``Please, my dear,'' she murmured. ``Representative Why Ask Questions, please sit down. I know it is--'' + +``I am not her! I am not her. She is another me, who dreams when she needs an answer. I am Why Ask Questions When The Answers Will Not Help, who knows God when she dreams. Dreams! If I dream, am I no longer myself? Don't\ldots I\ldots{}'' + +True Name froze. Everyone froze. + +``We were told--'' Sarah began, before Answers Will Not Help cut her off. + +``Prophets! Oh, where is Ezekiel when we need him? A meeting of prophets! \emph{Navi} to \emph{nevi'im!} The voice of God from the sky in a pillar of flame!'' She looked around, wide-eyed, and her voice grew conspiratorial. ``Or Qoheleth, a prophet of our own blood, bearing warning of memory entrancing!'' + +Her words came out in an unceasing torrent. She waved her hand/paw toward the Artemisians, giggling. ``But instead we are Israel to \emph{nevi'im,} a people to prophets, a people to prophets! A people with our own personal HaShem, and the only time I know my true name is when I dream, and to know one's true name is to know God. Time feels so vast that were it not for an Eternity— Fuck, I\ldots time makes prey of remembering, I\ldots I fear me this Circumference engross my Finity— Oh AwDae, oh AwDae. Could you ever have guessed at the depths of the death of memory?'' + +True Name stood quickly enough to knock her chair back and, with a decisive wash of skunk down her form, growled, ``How fucking dare--'' + +The rest of the delegation pressed away from her with a shout. The firstracers rose up to their full height and Iska blurred quickly to stand atop their stool, shouting, ``\emph{Iha!}'' + +``To his exclusion who prepare by process of Size\ldots of\ldots{}'' Answers Will Not Help continued, unfazed. She was phasing in and out of common time now, despite the promise of unison. Her words jittering now fast, now slow. She turned to True Name, eyes pleading. ``I cannot feel em here. We are so far away from home. I cannot\ldots I miss em, I miss em. I miss\ldots was that eir prophecy? Was that why ey wrote me? Is this AwDae's words come true?'' + +``Stop!'' True Name shouted. She swiped out at her cocladist, managing to grab a fistful of her blouse, roughly yanking her closer. + +With surprising speed, Answers Will Not Help slid a foot back and struck True Name's forearm with a downward strike of her own, getting a yelp from the skunk and forcing her to let go. She stumbled back, gasping, ``The flow of prophecy climbs up through the years, winter upon winter upon winter, and compels the future to do its bidding! Ey said\ldots ey said\ldots{}'' + +True Name bared her teeth, tackling the blurring, crumbling form of Answers Will Not Help to the ground. ``Fucking stop! You cannot--'' + +After a moment's tussle, Answers Will Not Help sprawled flat the ground, limp and laughing, retching, crying. ``For the Stupendous Vision of eir diameters—'' she said, and then quit, leaving True Name to fall to the ground, weeping. + +There was a stunned silence around the table, and when no one moved, Codrin slid out of eir chair to kneel by True Name's side. Her form had begun to waver once more, and, remembering the aversion to touch that came with that, ey simply knelt beside her, waiting until she calmed down. + +It was Sarah who broke the silence. ``What just happened?'' + +Codrin spoke carefully. ``As mentioned, True Name and, uh\ldots Why Ask Questions—that is, Michelle Hadje—were among the lost, and I guess time skew is similar enough to--'' + +``No,'' the Odist said between heaving breaths, clutching at her arm where it had been struck. ``She was right. That was Answers Will Not Help.'' + +Tycho frowned, nodded. ``We had guessed.'' + +``She should not have been able to do that,'' Iska said, nearly growling. ``She should not have been able to do \emph{any} of that. No skew, no exit. What was she? Who \emph{are} you?'' + +``Leader True Name,'' Turun Ko said. ``Please explain the connection to `lost' in this context.'' + +She did not move from her spot on the floor. ``You have heard about what it means to get lost, but there is no possible way that I can explain the way it has warped us. To get lost is to go mad.'' + +Silence and stillness fell once more as all waited for True Name to continue. After a few long breaths and coarse swallows, she mastered her form once more. She knelt beside Codrin, wiping at the tear streaks on her muzzle and the dripping from her nose. + +``We are incomplete. We are unwhole.'' Her voice was bitter, even as she worked to bring back that mask of competence. ``We were broken and remain so. I do not know how it is that Answers Will Not Help was able to\ldots to manage skew or quit. You have my most abject apologies for the trouble caused, and for the deception with--'' + +``Leader True Name,'' Turun Ka said, interrupting as politely as it had before. ``There will be time to discuss this topic. That time remains in the future. For now, please take this opportunity to, \emph{lu}\ldots gather yourself and clean up. You may take as long as you require. When you are able, you and I shall meet in our role as leaders.'' + +The skunk wilted, her ears splaying to the sides. ``Of course, leader Turun Ka.'' + +``Are you amenable to increasing the skew in the unison room? This will allow you to take all the time you need.'' + +She nodded. ``Yes, that would be fine. It is uncomfortable, but I can sleep through the discomfort.'' + +``\emph{Aën},'' it said. ``We shall return here in half an hour common time. The other participants shall meet in the central courtyard.'' + +``I will join shortly,'' Iska said. ``I must contact a technician, first.'' + +They did not wait, but seemed to disappear as they shifted up to a high enough skew to travel faster than ey could perceive. + +Codrin nodded to the other emissaries. ``Go ahead. I'll help True Name to her room, then join up with you in a bit.'' + +``I am sorry,'' True Name mumbled, barely loud enough to be heard. + +``Leader True Name, please understand that you are in no way responsible. Even your deception was, as you say, wargamed. We will discuss shortly.'' + +``Rest,'' Artante added. ``Become whole.'' + +As the others departed Codrin held out eir arm, letting the skunk clutch it tightly as ey helped her to stand. They swayed together at the brief sensorium twinge as the unison room was skewed up by a factor of two. + +The walk down the hall was a slow and unsteady affair, and Codrin couldn't help but see every one of True Name's two and a half centuries in the way she moved. She looked as she always had, was as strong as she'd ever been, and yet each one of those long years seemed to be a weight she had to draw along behind her. She kept her grip on eir forearm throughout, however, as though the contact kept her pinned to one reality. + +\AddToHookNext{shipout/after}{\includepdf[pages={1},noautoscale=true,fitpaper=true]{assets/awnh}} +Ey guided her into her room and helped her to sit down on the edge of her bed, and even then, it took her a few long seconds to loosen her grip. + +``You heard nothing today, Mx.~Bălan,'' she mumbled, quiet enough that ey had to lean closer to hear. ``I know what you thought you heard, but you heard nothing. Do not tell anyone. Do not tell Ioan, and certainly do not tell any others within the Ode clade.'' + +Ey took a half step back from the skunk. So hoarse and clouded was her voice that ey couldn't piece together her mood. ``I\ldots is that a suggestion or a threat? I'm sorry, True Name. I know how much it means, I just--'' + +She smiled weakly and shook her head before laying out on her side, rubbing her arm and wincing. ``I am sorry. It is a request from me to you, Codrin, from my clade to yours. Across our two entangled clades.'' The smile faded as she added, ``Not\ldots a request. A plea.'' + +Ey nodded, struck silent by the sincerity in her voice. Real, actual sincerity. It made em feel bashful. Ey bowed and started to turn back toward the door. + +``Codrin?'' + +``Yes?'' + +Her voice was small. It bore fear and anxiety alongside the omnipresent exhaustion. ``Can you please stay for a few minutes?'' + +``I, uh\ldots{}'' Ey swallowed dryly. ``Do you need anything?'' + +``Just for someone to be present. I may need your help writing another note back to Castor in a bit,'' she said, then had to master some hidden emotion before continuing. ``But right now, I just need someone to anchor me. You are very good at that.'' + +After a moment's hesitation, ey nodded, pulling up a chair from the small table in the center of the room. Ey sat beside the skunk as she lay still on the bed, eyes closed, her breathing growing more steady, and then slowing as she drifted into sleep. + +Ey watched her doze fitfully. + +What was it Dear had said? That she was still a fully realized person? \emph{She does still have emotions, they simply come from a place that we cannot access.} + +Ey wasn't sure how much ey believed that now, that they came from a place ey could not access. True Name had the same emotions ey did, ey knew now, and they came from that very same well within her. She had just become so singular an entity that their expression could only be framed through one very small, very precise lens. + +Hers was a control borne of anxiety, a competency borne of trauma, and this knowledge meant that ey could never unsee the core, fully realized humanity within her. + +\emph{All that may be, but what do I do with it?} ey thought. \emph{And how the hell am I going to keep what I heard hidden and buried?} diff --git a/neviim/content/041.tex b/neviim/content/041.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..00e36f8 --- /dev/null +++ b/neviim/content/041.tex @@ -0,0 +1,182 @@ +\hypertarget{ioan-bux103lan-2346}{% +\chapter{Ioan Bălan — 2346}} +\markboth{Ioan Bălan — 2346}{} + +\begin{center} +\emph{Convergence T-plus 33 days, 15 hours, 39 minutes}\\ +\emph{(Castor--Lagrange transmission delay: 30 days, 14 hours, 36 minutes)} +\end{center} + +\noindent Depression, Ioan had long known but struggled to internalize, was fundamentally different from sadness, just as it was different from May's overwhelming waves of emotions. + +Ey was confronted with it now, forced to see the way the emotion—or non-emotion, as May put it—affected one on a more fundamental level than anything so simple as sadness could hope to. Those overwhelming waves, as the one she'd just recovered from, were fundamental in their own way, but far, far less existential. + +It was bound by the cycle of the day, and so Ioan and May would spend their mornings strategizing their evenings, ensuring that they were able to have as pleasant a time as that ashen feeling May described would allow, to work as well as they could manage through that fog. + +``We are not unfamiliar with it, Ioan,'' A Finger Pointing had said when, after watching Death Itself and I Do Not Know quit, May's countenance grew duller and duller, and the skunk spoke less and less. ``We know depression from the embodied world, and it comes up every now and then for each of us here, too.'' + +``Even True Name, I suppose,'' ey had said, describing the conversation ey'd had with her. + +She had nodded. ``It will pass, and we will make the shows work, my dear. Keep her company and be good to her, and you need not worry.'' + +Some dark look must have crossed eir face at which A Finger Pointing had shaken her head and hugged em. ``Do not worry about that, Ioan. There is no death in her, I am sure of that. I am sorry that there are no easy ways to explain it, but I promise that what I expect she is feeling is separate from what our cocladists felt.'' + +When presented with this along with eir anxious expression, May had laughed and tousled eir hair. ``She is right, my dear. It feels uncomfortable at best, bad at worst, but only ever bad. I am simply a bit crashy after a little too much all at once.'' + +So for the last few days, they'd strategized in the mornings and then done what they could in the evenings. Scenes in plays were reworked for understudies, dinner menus shifted towards comfort foods, temperatures and weather adjusted, old comfort-hobbies dredged up from the past—the skunk had been littering the house with origami figures. Ey'd even tried reading aloud to her, her with her head parked on eir chest and em with a book held above them. This had gone over well, and ey had that on the menu for later in the evening after dinner. + +Today still held the first meeting with Sarah Genet, however, so ey focused on making a good breakfast, and spending a bit of time relaxing on the porch swing with May, giving her pets and quiet company. + +``How are you feeling about this?'' ey asked, voice muffled. May had requested a brushing of her tail, which meant a face full of fluff. + +``I do not know. I am anxious. I am trying to keep up that sense of hopefulness that I had when we began planning this, but the anxiety is getting in the way.'' + +Ey tamped down the urge to ask what the anxiety was over, knowing that the answer would likely be \emph{I do not know} or \emph{nothing}—rightly so, for eir own anxiety often seemed to have no basis in reality. Instead, ey asked, ``Do you want me to be there with you?'' + +May scooted down a little on the swing, enough to get her arms around eir middle. ``Please. It is just an initial meeting, I do not imagine there will be any need for privacy.'' + +``No deep, dark secrets, then?'' + +There was a muffled laugh from where the skunk had planted her face against eir belly. ``I do not know that I have any of those from you, my dear.'' + +``Other than the obvious.'' + +May stayed quiet, releasing her hug and shifting so that she could lay her head on eir lap, looking off into the yard. Finally, she murmured, ``We will need to talk about that at some point, Sarah and I. The pressure surrounding it is building.'' + +This did not seem to be an open conversation, so ey nodded, settling into silence with eir partner. + +Sarah arrived an hour later, a quiet knock at the door accompanying the sensorium ping of her arrival. + +May had melted into a beanbag when they'd come back inside and was folding paper crane after paper crane from a bottomless stack of origami paper, so Ioan capped eir pen and slid eir project into a drawer of eir desk. The skunk studiously avoided eir gaze, the tightness of her expression showing anxiety with tears near at hand. + +``Mx.~Bălan?'' Sarah said, bowing. ``Nice to meet you.'' + +``And you, Ms.~Genet.'' Ey stood aside, gesturing toward the hall. ``Please, come inside.'' + +``Just Sarah is fine.'' Smiling kindly to em, she nodded and stepped inside. She seemed to be taking the sight of their home in with some deeper understanding than ey could grasp. Ey wondered just how much she could tell by how clean or messy a place might be, and thanked past-Ioan for cleaning up quite well after breakfast. + +The skunk had finished her crane and levered herself out of her beanbag by the time they made it to the den. She was standing by the table, paws folded before her and ears perked up, looking polite and attentive, though Ioan could still read the exhaustion in her face. + +``May Then My Name Die With Me,'' Sarah said, bowing once more. ``A pleasure to meet you at last. Thank you for helping to organize this project.'' + +``Please, just May Then My Name.'' She returned the bow, cleared her throat. ``Thank you for going along with it. It will be a large one, and I-- \emph{we} appreciate all the help we can get.'' + +They sat down around three sides of the dining table. The skunk surprised em by ensuring that ey, rather than her, sat across from Sarah, perhaps to have someone kind on either side. + +``So, there's no real agenda today other than to just get to know each other. No hard topics or anything, just chatting. Stuff like that helps me get used to how you communicate.'' Sarah nodded toward May. ``Though I would like to know how you're feeling.'' + +``Tired.'' The skunk looked down at the table where her claw-tips traced wood-grain. ``Quite tired. I am not feeling myself currently, forgive me.'' + +``That's alright. There's been an awful lot going on, from the sounds of it.'' Sarah shifted gears smoothly away from the topic of current events, asking instead, ``I know you two are in theatre, from what you've said. What all does that entail, though? I haven't been to a play or anything since university before uploading.'' + +May smiled weakly. ``Lots of work. We share jobs from start to finish. There are more of us working as stage hands and crew than there are working as actors. Ioan even writes many of our plays.'' + +``I guess that means you both know your way around the craft better than most, since you have to keep all of that in your heads. Is that common?'' + +``It is these days. It is something that A Finger Pointing pioneered long ago and has refined over the years.'' + +``Every role, though; I'm curious, what all goes into the crew side? Are you also\ldots what's the term. Stage managers? Techs?'' Sarah shrugged, looking almost embarrassed at her lack of knowledge. ``Lights? Sound?'' + +At the word `sound', a stricken look washed over the skunk's face. She sat, rigid, in her chair for a moment before shaking her head, the movement jerky and uneven. ``I\ldots I will leave\ldots I will leave Ioan to answer that.'' + +Alarmed at the sudden change in her demeanor, Ioan looked between May and Sarah, the latter's face set in an expression of concern. + +``May?'' ey asked quietly. + +``You must\ldots you must forgive me. I have to\ldots lay down. Or something.'' She swallowed several times in a row, as she always seemed to do when holding back tears. + +The skunk stood and swayed, clutching at the edge of the table hard enough for claws to dent the wood. + +``Of course, May Then My Name. Would you like to meet another--'' + +``Please discuss with Ioan,'' she whispered, eyes clenched shut. + +Ioan forked quickly, the new instance taking May by the elbow and guiding her carefully toward the bedroom, leaving \#Tracker and Sarah to sit in stunned silence, watching them leave. + +There was a brief sensorium message, a few quiet words from eir fork and May, which ey passed on. ``She panicked for a moment but is just going to disengage for a bit. She says to carry on since you and I might as well get to know each other, too. She'll reschedule for the near future.'' + +``Alright,'' Sarah said, still frowning. ``I know I said just chat, but I don't think I can just let that go. Can you explain what happened?'' + +Ey sighed, nodded, and rubbed eir palms against eir slacks. ``She will wind up getting overwhelmed by emotion sometimes, once every six months or so. It'll take her out for a few days then pass. She just got through one not too long ago—I think she contacted you the day after she got back.'' + +``So this is another bout?'' + +``No, I don't think so. She's been kind of depressed over the last few days, which is different than when she overflows. She says it's not uncommon for her to `crash' after really big events. She slows down and has a hard time enjoying things, which I suspect is common with depression. But also, little things will trigger large emotional reactions.'' + +Sarah nodded. ``That makes sense, at least. `Trigger' is probably the right word, there. That certainly looked like a trauma response. One she was trying very hard to control, of course, but I could almost see the adrenaline rush through her.'' + +``There's been quite a bit of trauma of late, with her cocladists quitting.'' + +``Very much so, yes.'' + +Ey rubbed at eir eyes. They were burning, though whether from exhaustion or eir own emotions, ey couldn't tell. ``I have no clue what was the trigger there, though.'' + +Sarah waved her hand. ``She and I will talk that through, it's alright. How are you doing, though?'' + +``Me?'' Ey frowned. Talking with a therapist had never been on the table for em through this whole endeavor, but ey was so wrapped up in it now\ldots{} ``I'm stressed. I'm tired and stressed and feeling like I'm just fumbling in the dark to find something that will keep May safe.'' + +``I'd be surprised if you weren't stressed, honestly,'' she said. A blink, a cone of silence fell around them. ``Aliens visit one of the LVs and both your clades get wrapped up in it almost immediately, and then her cocladists quit in the midst of all those overwhelming emotions. There's a lot on the table here. Do you worry she won't be safe?'' + +Ioan shrugged helplessly. ``I trust her when she says she's not in any danger of anything like that and that she's doing her best to stay grounded, but that doesn't stop me from worrying.'' + +``That's part of being in love, I think.'' + +A pang of that love tugged at em. Sarah must have seen it on eir face, as she smiled sympathetically to em. + +``I don't do well with loss. That's why I'm here, really. On the System, I mean,'' ey said, then recounted eir and May's previous conversations about the death of eir parents and how that factored into eir anxieties. + +The conversation wound around from there. Ey could tell that Sarah was guiding it gently, giving careful nudges toward positive topics when the heavier ones began to loom too near, but always keeping it productive, substantive. It was, ey realized, the sort of mirror image of what ey'd seen from much of May's stanza. Subtle influencing borne out of years of reading and responding to the actions, words, and expressions of another. Rather than aiming to control, however, Sarah seemed to be doing all she could to keep the control in eir hands, acting almost as a tool for em to use to examine emself, though far more human than that made it sound. + +It was refreshing. Too many Odists over the last twenty years, perhaps. + +``Well,'' Sarah said when they'd reached a lull in the conversation. ``I should probably get going so that I can give you guys some space. I'll be in touch though, okay? I'll make sure to catch up with May Then My Name when she's feeling a bit better.'' + +Ey nodded gratefully. ``Thank you. This has been good for me, as well, so hopefully we can have the chance to talk again, too.'' + +``Of course. Some of my appointments with her will involve you as well, but I'm also happy working with just you, too. Scheduling is certainly less of a constraint here on the System.'' She hesitated before adding, ``Though for that, I may keep a separate fork for privacy's sake.'' + +``Right, of course.'' Ey stood when she did, walking with her down the hall to the door. ``By the way, have you been in touch with True Name? The Only Time I Know My True Name Is When I Dream?'' + +``Yes. She got in touch with me yesterday, and we have our own appointment scheduled. Why do you ask?'' + +Ey hesitated a moment, unsure of whether to divulge the fact that In Dreams seemed to have decided not to connect the two. ``I'm worried about her,'' ey said eventually. ``I just wanted to make sure she's also working with someone.'' + +Sarah turned in the entryway, looking at em searchingly. ``You know, back phys-side, I was your cocladist's partner's therapist, and we've stayed friends since uploading. They all but forced me to read the \emph{History}. From what I could tell, your relationship with True Name did not seem to be one that included you worrying about her.'' + +``She's changed a lot,'' ey said, speaking slowly as ey tried to puzzle out eir growing empathy for the other skunk—along with the fact that this was a thing that needed puzzling out. ``She's been looking rough, lately, and even for someone I have a complicated relationship with, it's tough to watch.'' + +``That I can understand. Does she look like May Then My Name? A furry?'' + +Ey nodded. + +``That probably helps, too.'' She shook her head. ``Anyway, I should be going for real, now. I'll be in touch to see about talking with you more soon, alright?'' + +``Of course,'' ey said, bowing. ``Thanks again. I think I needed that more than I knew.'' + +Back in their room, May and eir other instance were sitting cross-legged on the bed, the skunk trying for the dozenth time to teach em how to fold a paper crane. + +Both looked up when ey entered and, though her cheeks still showed the marks of tears, ey was pleased to see May smiling. + +Eir fork quit and as ey let the memories of the last hour settle into place, ey climbed into bed to take eir spot. + +``I am sorry, my dear,'' the skunk said, leaning forward to dot her nose against eirs. ``Thank you for all of your help through that, both in here and out there.'' + +``Of course, May. Feeling better?'' + +She nodded, held up her paper crane, the bottom pinched between fingers, and tugged at its tail, making the wings flap. ``I have been making things.'' + +``Other than a mess, you mean?'' + +Ey winced and laughed as the origami bird hit em in the face. + +``I will have you know that all of the messy ones are your doing, Mx.~Ioan Bălan,'' she said primly. ``Mine are perfectly neat and orderly.'' + +Still grinning, ey ruffled a hand through her headfur, tugging affectionately at an ear. ``Right, right. Just like you.'' + +She chirped and tilted her head toward eir hand. ``Did you have a good therapy session, my dear?'' + +Ey nodded. ``I did. I wasn't expecting it, but it was helpful. Sarah says she'll be in touch to meet again soon.'' + +``Alright. I will not apologize again, but I do still feel bad for how I acted.'' + +``Shush, you're fine. I think she, of all people, understands a reaction like that.'' Ey picked up another square of paper from the stack and began trying to fold again. ``But that's enough talk of that for now. If you want dinner, you have to help me get at least one of these made.'' diff --git a/neviim/content/042.tex b/neviim/content/042.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..f2c21c3 --- /dev/null +++ b/neviim/content/042.tex @@ -0,0 +1,113 @@ +\hypertarget{codrin-bux103lancastor-2346}{% +\chapter{Codrin Bălan\#Castor — 2346}} +\markboth{Codrin Bălan\#Castor — 2346}{} + +\begin{center} +\emph{Convergence T-minus 1 day, 1 hours, 2 minutes} +\end{center} + +\noindent ``To begin with an example concept, I have noticed that your common language is very irregular and relies heavily on a small vocabulary and nominal compounding,'' Why Ask Questions said. ``As we classify our languages into families based on several factors, including compounding, can each of the races expand on various features of their languages?'' + +``You speak on general terms?'' Iska asked. + +She nodded. ``I am curious if you have noticed consistencies between the languages of the various races as they have been incorporated during the convergences.'' + +The secondracer brushed their paws over their whiskers, a gesture that seemed somewhere between grooming and a thoughtful habit. ``I will speak to old \emph{Nanon} as it is spoken in primarily secondrace sims. You have guessed that it relies heavily on compounding. We say `old', but the language remains similar to its modern form as it was during the first convergence. That which we used to call old \emph{Nanon} was, \emph{lu}\ldots synthetic language, you may call it. Inflectional. There were eight grammatical cases and three grammatical genders--'' + +``Apologies for interrupting,'' Codrin said. ``But do those genders map to the prefixes we used when addressing ourselves? \emph{Uchles}, \emph{achles}, and so on?'' + +Iska nodded. What had begun as a curiously outsized and clumsy gesture had settled into something more akin to how True Name and Dear might nod. ``\emph{Anem,} yes, recorder Codrin Bălan. They were, \emph{lu}\ldots you might say animate, inanimate, and conceptual. In later evolutions of the language, they began to define levels of respect, and then mark roles in society as they fell out of use in cases other than referring to individuals.'' + +Codrin nodded, made note of this, and flipped to the next page as the discussion continued. + +Ey was finding the linguistics portion of the discussion particularly fascinating. Although many of the scientific topics incorporated history, this was the most easily digestible for em. Both Why Ask Questions and Sarah had studied up on the topic intensely during the days and weeks leading up to the meetings. + +It would be interesting to compare notes with Codrin\#Artemis, and ey was looking forward to the merger down the line. Ey wasn't sure yet whether this was accompanied by a desire for the talks to be over, for there was also the fact that ey missed home greatly. + +Ah well. Until then, ey dedicated as much of eir attention as ey could manage to keeping up on eir job as recorder. Each of the races continued in turn, describing various features and aspects of the language or languages of theirs which had made the transition through the convergences. + +Each, that is, except the firstracers, who did their best to express the features of their mode of communication, apologizing for being unable to describe the languages that had existed during their biological period. + +``Thank you,'' Why Ask Questions said. ``I have a few questions on the use of metaphor and analo--'' + +Most of those around the table jumped as a second instance of True Name appeared at the end of the table beside the fountain, bowed, and said, ``My apologies for interrupting. \#Castor, please merge immediately.'' + +After the second skunk quit, True Name \#Castor frowned. The frown deepened, then transmuted to one that bordered on panic. + +``Leader True Name, please explain,'' Turun Ka said. + +She stood, composed herself, and bowed toward the Artemisian delegates. ``My apologies. That was a second instance of myself bearing news. She quit and merged back with me so that I may have her memories. It was the fastest way to receive news. I would like to call a halt to the current topic and make an announcement.'' + +The firstracer tilted its head up in assent. Codrin scanned the rest of the delegates and found a look of concern on Iska's face, one recognizable from discussions on forking. Stolon appeared nonplussed, and Artante intensely focused. + +``There has been an incident aboard Artemis with the delegation regarding one of our representatives.'' + +Why Ask Questions sat bolt upright. + +\emph{Could they have discovered the subterfuge?} Codrin thought. Ey frowned and scooted eir chair back from the table a fraction of an inch, prepared to bolt. + +``I will explain in full and then accept questions,'' the skunk was saying. ``As I have mentioned, and perhaps you may have heard from your counterparts on Artemis via relayed messages, my entire clade struggles with the concept of time skew. It recalls a portion of our lives that is\ldots indescribable. Needless to say, that became too much for Why Ask Question's counterpart, and she lost control in grand fashion and quit in the middle of proceedings.'' + +``That should not have been possible,'' Iska muttered. ``Apologies. Please continue, leader True Name.'' + +The skunk hesitated, frowning. ``We will discuss that aspect after this, perhaps. The reason that I wish to address this before we have a conversation is that, in the process of our party transferring to Artemis, Why Ask Question's counterpart was replaced with a separate fork of mine named Why Ask Questions When The Answers Will Not Help. She is another up-tree instance of myself, which I believed to be acceptable. However, we have discussed the topic of individuation, and as both representative Why Ask Questions and Answers Will Not Help were forked from me 222 years ago, they have long since become separate individuals. + +``The reasons for this deception are complicated, relating to the origins of both of the forks' creation.'' She clasped her paws on front of herself and bowed. ``Please accept my apologies on this matter.'' + +There was silence around the table for a few seconds, and then both parties set up separate cones of silence. + +True Name sat back down and faced the rest of the delegates on her side of the table. ``Apologies are due to you three as well for being kept in the dark. We had our reasons, for doing so, which I will explain during our next break.'' + +Codrin nodded. ``I'd appreciate a more solid explanation, but I guess I should also say that our instances on Artemis had guessed this, as well. Codrin\#Artemis's theory was that, as Why Ask Question's role was to manage sentiment sys-side and Answers Will Not Help's was to manage phys-side.'' + +The skunk sat back, blinked rapidly, then laughed. ``Well, then.'' + +``The best laid schemes o' skunks an' Jonases,'' Why Ask Questions said, giggling. ``Gang aft agley.'' + +``Well, that aside, I am unsure what to do with the remainder of the news from my position here on Castor,'' True Name said. ``Mx.~Bălan will remember some of what we struggled with from eir meeting with Michelle. My counterpart has been holding her ground against it as best as possible but I suppose it was not the case with Answers Will Not Help. With them being on Artemis, her instance here on Castor will not receive a merge.'' + +``And now we will have to see just how fucked we are,'' Why Ask Questions said. ``I do not imagine that they will be all that pleased with us.'' + +``Was this an attempt to control the situation? The convergence?'' Sarah asked. + +True Name smiled wryly. ``Your \emph{History} was a very sensational book, Mx.~Bălan, was it not? Please remember, Ms.~Genet, that it is only ever our goal to guide and protect. We did what we felt was necessary to ensure the continuity and stability of the System.'' + +She nodded, but didn't look convinced. + +``The Artemisians are coming back,'' Tycho noted. ``Should we?'' + +The skunk shrugged, nodded, and dropped the cone of silence. + +``Thank you for your honesty in this matter, leader True Name,'' Turun Ka said. ``We have a few questions to ask you before making our statement in turn.'' + +She perked up at that, nodding. ``By all means.'' + +``The first question: you spoke of the reasons for the origins of these two individuals. What were their origins?'' + +``The System—the original one you observed at the L\textsubscript{5} point which we call Lagrange—seceded from the political systems on Earth 221 years ago. My root instance, Michelle Hadje, was on the Council of Eight at that time. Due to the difficulties that I mentioned before, she created ten forks to pick up various interests, and then retired. I was the fork which wound up primarily in the political arena, and along with another clade not present here, I aided in the campaign for secession.'' + +Why Ask Questions picked up from there, so smoothly that Codrin suspected that this scenario had been wargamed as thoroughly as any. ``There were many aspects to that political referendum, both sys-side—that is, on the embedded side—and phys-side. True Name spread the work required for those aspects out over instances of her own. Answers Will Not Help and I were forked at the same time, both to encourage a positive attitude towards secession.'' + +``Why Ask Questions focused on this task on the System, while Answers Will Not Help focused on sentiment phys-side through the usual text channels,'' True Name said. ``As each already had a specialization relating to two sides of a political event, we made the decision to do so here as well.'' + +When it was clear that there wouldn't be any further explanation from the Odists, Turun Ka said, ``Thank you. Second question: what was it that you hoped to gain from this strategy?'' + +``My goal in this case is the same as my goal during Secession and Launch—the effort that led to this vehicle—which is to maintain the stability and continuity of our existence. I do not wish to overstep my responsibilities in pursuit of that goal, but I do have at my disposal a set of tools to help in my aims.'' + +There was a silent conversation between the Artemisians during which Codrin finished up the notes ey'd been taking on the discussion. True Name was being surprisingly honest about the whole endeavor. Ey was sure there were some aspects that she was withholding, but the initial announcement and answers that she'd provided thus far contained no outright lies that ey could tell. + +\emph{Perhaps this too is a way of shaping their responses? Or maybe she just can't register them well enough to tell how best to lie,} ey thought, then sighed. \emph{And maybe I'm just being too cynical.} + +The silent conversation among the other delegates wrapped up, and Turun Ka spoke once more. ``Thank you once again for your honesty. This event is one part of the confirmation we have required, and the talks will now move on to the next stage, after a one hour common time break.'' + +The skunk looked taken aback, nearly speechless. ``Confirmation\ldots? Can you explain--'' + +``Now is not the time for this discussion, leader True Name,'' Artante said, voice gentle but insistent enough to silence her. ``We will have that discussion when the convergence progresses to the appropriate stage. For now, we offer condolences for the loss of that instance of representative Answers Will Not Help.'' + +And with that, the Artemisian delegation stood, bowed, and returned to their rest area. + +``Well, I will be damned,'' True Name said, then laughed. + +``What just happened?'' Sarah asked. + +Why Ask Questions was laughing as well. She shrugged and grinned to the psychologist. ``Fuck if I know. Come on. The least we can do is make some guesses over the next hour. I need a drink.'' diff --git a/neviim/content/043.tex b/neviim/content/043.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..aaa8132 --- /dev/null +++ b/neviim/content/043.tex @@ -0,0 +1,256 @@ +\hypertarget{codrin-bux103lanartemis-2346}{% +\chapter{Codrin Bălan\#Artemis — 2346}} +\markboth{Codrin Bălan\#Artemis — 2346}{} + +\begin{center} +\emph{Convergence T-minus 1 day, 1 hour, 58 minutes} +\end{center} + +\noindent As suggested, Codrin and Sarah wound up in the courtyard. + +There seemed to be no immediate recovery from the events of the past hour. There was no conversation to be had, no words that could be spoken to express so singular an event. There had been a\ldots{}was it a death? Answers Will Not Help had made it less than three days into the conference, and already she was gone. + +And ey had witnessed True Name\ldots{}was it sharing in confidence, a request for companionship, or something else? + +Ey felt dazed, unmoored from reality. Ey could feel more clearly the way that time clung to em in a way it couldn't back home, back on Castor. It was no stronger now than it had been at the beginning of the day, but, as might happen when one remembers that one is breathing, ey was suddenly and intensely aware of it. + +``Codrin?'' + +Sarah's voice jolted em back to the present, and ey smiled tiredly to her. ``Sorry. I was elsewhere. What's up?'' + +She laughed and waved away the comment. ``It's alright. That was a whole lot all at once. I was asking how True Name was when you left her. Is she alright?'' + +``Yeah. She was sleeping. I don't know how much they-- well, how much she has been sleeping of late, but given that she seems constantly exhausted, I'm glad she's getting at least a little.'' + +``This does seem to be taking its toll on her. When this is all over, I'd like to sit down with you and her and learn a bit more about this.'' She hesitated, then added, ``Or at least with you, depending on how willing she is.'' + +Ey nodded. Ey could feel the knowledge of what ey'd learned sitting heavily in eir gut, clawing at eir insides. The Name, the pronouns, feeling the owner of the Name in the system. It wanted out, at least in some way, but there was no one other than True Name ey'd be able to share that with from now until eternity. + +Swallowing down the feeling clutching at eir throat, ey said instead, ``You know, when she was laying down to nap, she said something like, `I need someone to anchor me and you are very good at that'. Come to think of it, I got a note from Codrin\#Castor that Tycho said similar earlier, that he said I'm `grounding'.'' + +Sarah nodded readily. ``You are, yes. Why do you bring it up?'' + +``It's not something I'd really considered about myself.'' Ey spoke slowly, piecing together eir thoughts as ey went. ``I've been questioning my path in life moving forward. I've been very passive, very much like a recorder. I'm \emph{good} at being an amanuensis, but I also feel like I get dragged into it more often than I choose to do so.'' + +``Does being a grounding person help with that?'' + +Ey shrugged. ``I suppose so. Empathy helps, because it lets me understand what's happening more readily, lets me build a more complete story. The way Tycho and True Name put it, though, sounds\ldots I don't know, more active.'' + +She nodded again, waiting in silence until ey was done speaking. + +``Ioan's moved on to theatre, Codrin\#Pollux is a librarian now, and I'm just doing the same thing I was doing almost a hundred years ago. This whole thing about being grounding combined with the need for something new just has me thinking about what to do with my life.'' + +``It's a complex question, Codrin. Hell, even when we were limited to ninety or a hundred years, folks would talk about having midlife crises, questioning what it was that they really wanted to do, and a lot of times it came down to feeling a lack of agency. Psychologists would\ldots{}'' She trailed off, looking over eir shoulder. ``Well, lets pick this up later. Artante and Turun Ko are on their way.'' + +Ey turned to look, noticing the two Artemisians moving slower than expected. A moment's thought showed that ey was still running at a skew of +1.2 as the meeting had been, so ey dropped back down to common time. + +Turun Ko dipped its head as Artante bowed, saying, ``Recorder Codrin Bălan, representative Sarah Genet. Do you know where the scientists are?'' + +``They're probably down the hall,'' Codrin said, returning the bow. ``Every time they sneak off, they head for an alcove there and talk as much as they can.'' + +``We are pleased-excited to witness mutual-shared enjoyment,'' Turun Ko said, voice bouncing between registers in amusement. + +Artante laughed. ``I am not surprised. Will you join us in finding them?'' + +Codrin led them down the hall past their rest area. The hallway continued beyond, though it ended at a flat wall that ey supposed must be an exit when the place was not in use for a convergence. To the side, though, there was an alcove, windows on the three walls looking out over a garden. It seemed perpetually sunny, and every time ey'd seen them there, the thirdracer had been sunning themself while they chatted. + +``\emph{Nahi,} recorder Codrin Bălan,'' Stolon said, then sat up straighter when they noticed Turun Ko, bowing from a seated position to the other delegates. ``\emph{Rehas' les.}'' + +Ey bowed. ``Apologies for interrupting. I figured I'd get us all together as suggested.'' + +``\emph{Ka, ka,}'' Stolon said, bobbing their head. + +There was a ping against eir sense of time, a sensation of insistent pressing. + +``Please?'' Turun Ko said. ``We will speak at synchronized skew.'' + +Ey frowned, relaxing against the sensation and feeling eir control over time diminish. After a moment of looking uncomfortable, both Sarah and Tycho nodded as well. + +There was a brief lurch as time skewed quickly up to two point five, moving far more quickly and with more surety than eir experiments up to that point. + +``Thank you, recorder Codrin Bălan, representative Sarah Genet, scientist Tycho Brahe.'' The firstracer eased back, settling onto its haunches and tail and clasping its hands together over its front, which appeared to be the default resting state for its race. + +``How do you feel the convergence is going?'' Artante asked. + +Tycho picked at a corner of the stone sill, shrugging. ``Well enough, I suppose. I'm feeling really in over my head.'' + +Stolon tilted their head far to the side. ``In over\ldots?'' + +``\emph{Nu\ldots nukupot\ldots kopotla\ldots{}}'' he stammered. He had apparently held true to his promise to learn more of the language. + +``\emph{Iha! Ka, ka, nukupotla,} not-knowing?'' + +``Something like that. I don't know what's going on, and don't have much to contribute. Not much knowledge to give, I mean, when we're talking about social stuff.'' + +``\emph{Irr, ka,} I also.'' The thirdracer made a frustrated gesture with one of their hands and then shifted to drape languidly over the edge of the windowsill, hands hanging nearly down to the ground and feet kicking lazily behind them in the alcove. It was a nearly childlike move that Codrin found incredibly endearing. Something more\ldots well, not human, but perhaps personable in this otherwise impersonal conference. + +``I went into academia because-- sorry, into studying as one of the only things I do in my life because that seemed to be the only way I could just do what it was that I wanted,'' Tycho said. ``No commitments, no distractions. Just the stars and math.'' + +Stolon stretched out long enough to grab a curly-edged leaf from one of the short bushes, picking at it between dull claws. ``I also, \emph{ka.} I am not\ldots combination? Child? I am from before embedding. Before before, I also study. I study stars and inside planets. I also in over my head. I am knowing how convergence works, so I am here, but still I dream of stars.'' + +``I was on my way into academia as well,'' Codrin said, filing the thirdracer's use of `child' and `combination' away for later questioning. ``But I guess my chosen interests align a bit more with politics than astronomy.'' + +``\emph{Anem, anem.}'' + +Turun Ko looked to Sarah. + +``Stressful,'' she said. ``I really don't know what to make of earlier.'' + +``I am, \emph{lu}\ldots sorry that your friend exits,'' Stolon said, and Artante nodded in agreement. ``I do not know how, Iska looks into this.'' + +Turun Ko bowed its head. ``We wish to speak-discuss with you the events-proceedings from earlier.'' + +``To begin with,'' Artante said, picking up the conversation. ``Do you have any questions that we can answer? This may inform the discussion.'' + +When Sarah and Tycho did not speak, ey asked, ``I don't imagine there's much you'll be able to answer so soon in the talks, but leader Turun Ka mentioned that deception had been wargamed. Is this the type of thing that's expected at a convergence?'' + +``Yes, recorder Codrin Bălan. The possibility-probability that a new race-culture-species practices-engages-in deception is one item on a checklist of one beginning and two endings.'' + +``Beginning? Endings?'' Ey shook eir head. ``Well, stepping back, what do you mean by checklist?'' + +``Convergences are processes. Processes may be smooth-easy or rough-difficult. It is our goal-aim to ensure smoothness-ease, as I think-suspect must be that of leader True Name.'' + +This was the most that Turun Ko had said at once over the last few days and, despite its statuesque nature, ey was keen on drawing more out of one so aligned with eir own goals. ``So you have a list of items and possibilities that might happen during a convergence and we're making our way down the list?'' + +``\emph{Anem.}'' + +``And the beginning was first contact?'' + +``\emph{Anem.}'' + +``I am studying convergence also. I learn your language, not so well, maybe.'' Stolon chattered their teeth in amusement. ``Also I learn path of convergence. Items on checklist, leader Turun Ka says. We have list of steps for convergence, and each of us\ldots{}\emph{jaruvi}\ldots see? Notice\ldots each of us notice what you say and what you do, and we complete checklist. I study this before.'' + +Ey frowned. Ey wanted nothing more than to write this down, to do as ey always had done and incorporate this into a story, but something about this meeting seemed to preclude that possibility. Something about it was meant only for this space. + +``I see,'' ey said. ``And that you have two endings implies that there is a goal, \emph{anem?}'' + +``\emph{Anem.}'' Turun Ko lifted its snout. ``You will join-converge with us as fifthrace or you will not.'' + +There was silence within that bubble of fast-time, and ey imagined that it was em, Tycho, and Sarah struggling to process this information while the three Artemisians waited patiently for the next step in the conversation—or perhaps the next item on the checklist. + +The pressure to ask the correct question weighing down eir shoulders, Codrin nonetheless stood up straighter. ``Is there a correct ending?'' + +A smile tugged at the corner of Artante's mouth, leading to a sense of relief within em. Ey suspected that em asking that very question might have been an item on their list. + +``\emph{Unot.} The endings share equality-correctness.'' + +``Will the decision be mutual?'' Sarah asked. + +``\emph{Ka,} representative Sarah Genet. The decision-ending must be mutual-shared before the Ansible-transmission-mechanisms will be unlocked-ungated-opened on both Castor and Artemis, \emph{anem?}'' + +``It has to be,'' Codrin said. ``If one side, as a whole, did not want to join, they wouldn't turn on their Ansible for general use.'' + +Artante nodded. ``And the other, seeing that, might feel enough unease that the decision would become mutual, even if it had not started that way.'' + +``Are we on the path towards becoming fifthrace, then?'' ey asked. + +After a pause, Turun Ko said, ``The list does not work-function in this way, recorder Codrin Bălan. The decision-inflection-point is preceded by a cloud-tree-collection-net-pile-table-graph of interconnected actions-items-steps.'' + +It took em a few seconds to plow through the litany of synonyms to reach the heart of the statement. ``To be clear, there are a bunch of steps leading up to this decision point?'' + +``\emph{Anem.}'' + +``Can you tell us what they are?'' + +``\emph{Nu.} We cannot.'' + +``There are some different shades of meaning to that word, recorder Turun Ko,'' Sarah said thoughtfully. ``\,`Cannot' can mean that you aren't able to, or that you are unwilling to. Can you expand on that? Are you able to, I mean?'' + +``We cannot,'' it repeated, and Codrin once more caught that ghost of a smile on Artante's face. + +``Either could be true, but that's not the correct conversation to have right now,'' ey guessed. + +At this Artante laughed. ``You learn quickly, recorder Codrin Bălan.'' + +Ey smiled, shrugged. ``It's my job to pay attention.'' + +Stolon bobbed their head. ``\emph{Anem,} recorder Codrin Bălan. We find patterns and say `yes yes' or `no no' and do next thing. You hear, `this is not time to have that conversation.' We say because we use checklist.'' + +``Alright. You can just call me Codrin, by the way.'' + +``And you can just call me Sarah.'' + +``Tycho.'' + +``\emph{Ka, ka,} can call Stolon also.'' + +``\emph{Aën.} Thank you Codrin. We will continue to use full names during the talks, but you may call me Artante outside of them.'' + +``I will remain-always-be Turun Ko.'' + +There was another moment's silence as they processed and the Artemisians waited. Tycho and Stolon drifted back into quiet conversation, the secondracer plucking at another leaf or two. + +There was so much to take in here, but on further examination, it all made quite a bit of sense. The Artemisians had prepared for this event as thoroughly as had the Odists and Jonases. Of course there would be things that would happen—or at least could be reasonably expected to happen—throughout the convergence. The Artemisians simply had a head start in that they had history to lean on: they'd been through at least three convergences prior to this one. + +``I don't imagine there was anything like what happened with Answers Will Not Help in your steps,'' ey said, finally. + +``\emph{Nu.} There are analogous-similar topics. Psychosis and time-sickness have been seen-observed in the past. This is why quitting-exiting-death are prevented-illegal in the conference and rest areas. That representative Answers Will Not Help quit-exited-died is upsetting-distressing-concerning. Representative Iska has undertaken the task of exploring-examining the event.'' + +``Right. I'm sure True Name and Turun Ka are discussing this, too.'' + +Artante shook her head. ``They are having a different discussion. It is not the time for them to have the conversation of steps and checklists.'' + +Sarah frowned. ``Should we tell her about this discussion?'' + +After a hesitation, the fourtracer replied, ``There are steps on the checklist for if you do and if you do not.'' + +\emph{Sounds like a no, then,} Codrin thought, working to maintain a neutral expression. For all their talk about staying away from manipulation and subtlety, there sure seemed to be plenty going on. It was as Tycho said: they seemed to be working on some higher level, less comprehensible to em as a mere mortal. Ey supposed five thousand years of flying around through space would change how one engages with the world no matter what. + +``And how about you two?'' ey said. + +Turun Ko tilted its head far to the side. ``\emph{Lubaenåtam?}'' + +``Do you two have steps of your own? Desired outcomes?'' + +``You ask an interesting question,'' Artante said, sounding thoughtful. ``I want what's best, and with each passing conversation between delegations, the meaning of `what's best' shifts. I'm sorry that I can't put it more clearly than that, though I can assure you that I consider us to be together in this: what's best for the Artemisians will also be what's best for you.'' + +``And you, Turun Ko?'' + +It straightened up, joints and synthetic flesh shifting smoothly in a well-articulated dance, as though it was running through some internal checklist to correct its posture. ``I want-desire stories. There is no combination of steps-items on our list that will not result-in-lead-to stories, so I will not be disappointed. I have received-learned many already, and I am content-happy-satisfied-fulfilled and will remain-continue-to-be so even if you become-turn-into the most exceptionally-stupendously boring-droll numbskulls-sadsacks-dipshits in the visible-observable universe.'' + +Codrin and Sarah both stared at the firstracer before laughing, joined by Artante. Even she seemed taken aback by the sudden injection of humor. + +``I guess we have proven interesting, if nothing else,'' Sarah said. + +``\emph{Anem,}'' Turun Ko confirmed, and the single word came out nearly a song. + +Conversation waned. Silence. Comfortable. Warm. The six of them seemed content to bask and watch the shadows of leaves play on the wall. Ey was tired, ey realized. Dreadfully exhausted. The warmth of the sun, even standing up, seemed to be doing its best to lull em to sleep. Stolon also seemed to be enjoying it quite a bit, stretching languidly, speaking lazily. + +``I am not worrying.'' They poked a torn bit of the leaf into their mouth and chewed thoughtfully before spitting it out with a choking sound. ``\emph{Natarla\ldots{}}'' + +Laughing, Tycho said, ``Not so tasty?'' + +``\emph{Nu, nu,}'' Stolon said, chattering their teeth again. + +Codrin shook emself to wakefulness, rubbing at eir face with a hand. ``Why aren't you worried?'' + +The thirdracer shrugged, tail flipping about in a wide arc as they rolled over onto their back, flexible enough to drape over the windowsill and sun their belly that way. ``Convergence is convergence. Is to be happy and safe, \emph{anem?} Is for leaders and representatives. Scientist, am not worrying. Stars are not lying. Artemis is not lying. Physics is not lying. If you do not join Artemis, will, \emph{lu}\ldots think about? Will think about you, but good to be happy and safe, and science is not lying.'' + +\AddToHookNext{shipout/after}{\includepdf[pages={1},noautoscale=true,fitpaper=true]{assets/stolon}} +Throughout Stolon's short speech, Tycho sat up straighter, his smile growing wider. ``Yeah, I like that. Science is not lying. It can't, really, can it? Politics can lie, and maybe that's why I hate it so much.'' + +``\emph{Ka, ka.}'' + +``And I'd think about you too, if things go that direction. I honestly didn't really think about that being on the table until after the conference started and we began actually interacting with each other, and now I have to admit that I'm really hoping it \emph{does} work out. For us joining, I mean. I like it here.'' + +The two scientists seemed to have fallen back into their own world, leaving the others to stand by and watch. + +``Two of a kind,'' ey heard Sarah murmur, and ey nodded, grinning along with her. + +``Is home, \emph{anem.} I am liking it, but I am also only living here.'' + +Tycho nodded, ``I'm only on Castor and Pollux, yeah.'' + +``Is Pollux same?'' + +``Yeah. Or, well, they started out identical, but they've diverged over time.'' He frowned, shrugged. ``I bet Tycho\#Pollux is feeling awful now, missing all of this. Or will when he learns, I guess.'' + +``No Tycho on Lagrange construct?'' + +``Nope, I invested fully. Did you leave an instance of yourself back on your original system?'' + +``\emph{Lu}\ldots yes, but they exited after convergence and distance grew. Friends say that Stolon got sad, spent all of time thinking about Artemis.'' They lifted their snout to peer up at him. ``Tycho will join if possible, \emph{anem?}'' + +Codrin also looked to Tycho. The astronomer was already grinning widely. It was far more positive emotion than ey'd seen on his face to date, and ey couldn't imagine any other answer than what came next. + +``\emph{Anem!} Of course I will.'' diff --git a/neviim/content/044.tex b/neviim/content/044.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..9eff4df --- /dev/null +++ b/neviim/content/044.tex @@ -0,0 +1,142 @@ +\hypertarget{ioan-bux103lan-2346}{% +\chapter{Ioan Bălan — 2346}} +\markboth{Ioan Bălan — 2346}{} + +\begin{center} +\emph{Convergence T-plus 72 days, 23 hours, 48 minutes}\\ +\emph{(Lagrange--Pollux transmission delay: 30 days, 14 hours, 41 minutes)} +\end{center} + +\noindent Ioan, + +I must admit, I'm really not sure what to say about all of this. Thank you for waiting until you have a substantial amount to send to me, at least. Dear threw a little tantrum about this ``We have received messages over the last few days'' bit, but I appreciate having an initial digest to work with so that I'm not left a fretting mess (as you say you were) by the simple news that, oh look, aliens! I threatened to bundle it up in blankets until it was immobile for a few hours, though, and it calmed down. I may do so anyway. + +Four races! Five thousand years! One language! Have you learned any of that, yourself? And yet maybe it's all a dream! Truly fascinating. As you can imagine, Dear latched onto that quite quickly. + +How is May Then My Name taking it? You mention True Name, but have you heard from any other Odists? Any other friends? If Lagrange is anything like Pollux, people are talking about little else. + +The news broke over here much as it sounds as though it did on Lagrange: with tightly controlled excitement. There is no doubt that the powers that be continue their work across all three Systems, but it's always fascinating to see. The amount of bafflement was outweighed by the amount of excitement. The excitement also outweighed the amount of fear. Everyone's eager for every scrap of news that they can get. + +How much of the delay in sending word to us was due to True Name and her friends? I imagine she had words about the first message, at least, but a whole week's worth of messages feels like a good deal must have been going on. + +No matter, though. We're all eagerly awaiting every little snippet that we can get from you. I know that you won't get this for another, what, 30 days? 31? And that a month from when you sent it! I know you won't get it for a while, is what I'm saying, but please know that you're free to pass on information directly from here on out! We'll be learning plenty from the news we're allowed to see over here, anyway, so any juicy tidbits in addition to that will be greatly appreciated. + +I am continually confronted with the ways in which we have diverged. May Then My Name and Dear\#Castor mentioned how upset they were by the idea of time manipulation, but my Dear\ldots well, it did not seem pleased with the idea, but its reaction was not nearly so visceral. It simply got a sour look on its face and said \emph{``I do not like the idea of a place where I cannot fork. Can you imagine a place so boring?''} + +\begin{center} +\textbf{BĂLAN CLADE-EYES-ONLY MATERIAL} +\end{center} + +\noindent The last few years have seen a drastic reduction in the amount of times that Dear has overflowed. I don't know if ey's been passing on every instance from Castor, or if you have been passing on every letter in turn, but it sounds like the same is true of Dear\#Castor as well, for which I'm thankful. + +I'm sorry to hear about May Then My Name, though. Discussion of `cracks showing' always seems to crop up whenever one of our loved ones goes through a rough period such as this, and your news spurred a conversation between the three of us plus Serene, and despite the relative quiescence of their `symptoms', such as they are, we have noticed an uptick of oddities in Odists over here, as well. Not just Odists, of course, but a few of the older clades. Hell, a Jonas even went haywire a few weeks back. + +Still, I'm happy to hear that everyone's tallies are lining up well: far fewer old clades over here are experiencing such symptoms than feared after the publication of \emph{Perils}, for which just about everyone is happy. No one wants to deal with an impending burden of insanity on one's two hundredth birthday, so to hear that it's only a fraction and that maybe there's something that can be done (or so we hear; has there been news of psychotherapy as a treatment over there? Or memory pruning? I've been hearing whispers) has kept the population at large from freaking out. I imagine you have it worse, though, given the relative skew towards dispersionistas on the LVs; I bet early taskers are freaking out. + +Either way, Ioan, I am concerned for you and your partner. Our lives are informed by trauma, and the trauma that we hold in particular leads to a sort of conservatism that is particularly focused on our loved ones. I know that you want nothing more than to see May Then My Name continue to thrive, and I know that seeing her struggle is incredibly painful as it touches on the roots of those very same traumas. I know that the two of you will make it through alright, but, as this is in the clade-eyes-only section, do remember to keep yourself safe. You have Douglas. You have Debarre and End Waking (are they back together? Please say yes). You have A Finger Pointing. You have so many delightful friends I've yet to even meet and some I'll never have the chance to. When you need, nudge May Then My Name to her support network and lean on your own. + +\begin{center} +\textbf{IOAN BĂLAN INDIVIDUAL-EYES-ONLY MATERIAL} +\end{center} + +The following is in strict confidence with you and you alone, Ioan. I've received permission to share from all parties involved. + +I don't know how much of Codrin\#Castor and my messages between each other that you've read, or if that would even have helped, but watching the slow individuation of a loved one is an experience unique even from watching oneself individuate. The Dear I am in love with feels much like the Dear I fell in love with decades ago, and yet slowly the Dear on Castor begins to feel like a stranger to me. + +Dear\#Castor sounds so much more conservative—in its approach to life, of course, rather than that of the division of the Odists—than what I've grown used to. The prairie remains the same. The house remains the same. Codrin\#Castor's struggles with agency and directedness in life feel as unfamiliar to me as you have mentioned. You have taken control of your life as I have taken control of my own, each in our own way. To put this on the Odists feels at once unfair, unfortunate, and totally accurate. May Then My Name has changed you in so many irreversible ways, just as Dear changed me so many years ago. Changed you, too, for when we merged and then diverged, you were no longer the same Ioan that remained behind. You were the type of Ioan who could fall in love with May Then My Name in the first place. + +So when Dear gave up the prairie and dragged Serene over to build out our little world into something grander, a place more well-rounded than just flat plains, we were both ready because, hey, this was Dear, right? So we built out our little world of plains and hills, forests and lakes. And then that spur-of-the-moment shift redirected our lives in unforeseen ways. With the acceptance of variety, Serene moved in to continue her work, and then her elliptical orbit passed through our lives for a while before she drifted away again. + +Despite lingering taboo, I am not ashamed of having wound up, for that one short year, in a relationship with two members of the same clade. None of us are; not even Dear and Serene, they promise us. It's not shame that keeps me from telling those on Castor about this. It is the completely alien way that those who feel as though they ought to \emph{be} us interact with the world that leads to such. I feel as though I am unable to tell Codrin\#Castor about what happened because to do so feels like explaining the alien to someone who really, truly, in all ways ought to know. Ey ought to be able to feel the same things that I feel, correct? Ey ought to also love Serene, oughtn't ey? Ey must, for ey is me, is ey not? + +And yet ey is not. I cannot bring up our relationship with Serene because Codrin\#Castor—that is, specifically \emph{me}\#Castor—does not have the same thoughts around intraclade romantic relationships that I do, and by virtue of the direction that the Odists steered us (or, as feels more accurate, crashed with us headlong and heedless) into this future, we are now completely different in that way. + +The Dear that I live with has, in comparison to Dear\#Castor, relaxed and moved on to an approach to life that is far more laid back. As a result, we \emph{all} have, me included. + +Also, as an internal postscript, I should note that the three of us are all still deeply in love with Serene and she with us, so please do not misconstrue the past tense above, but good Lord. Two foxes in the same house? Never again. + +This is the end of the private content of the letter. Please redact this in its entirety should you pass my thoughts on to Castor (though of course you may talk about it with May Then My Name; she'll understand the sensitive nature of the topic). + +\textbf{END IOAN BĂLAN INDIVIDUAL-EYES-ONLY MATERIAL} + +\textbf{END BĂLAN CLADE-EYES-ONLY MATERIAL} + +I am settling in quite well at the university and they are as excited as I am to receive the inevitable dump of information that comes from Artemis. It is a librarian's dream. I have seen quite the bump in my reputation, oddly enough, just by having my cocladist's name attached to the project over on Castor. No complaints, but honestly, what is a librarian to do with reputation? + +Pass on our love to May Then My Name and tell her that we are all incredibly happy to hear that there is no more news of broken noses in this letter. + +Codrin\#Castor, know that you've got us backing you as well. The world lies before you and is not nearly so black and white as it might seem. Search for those shades of gray that allow you to take a step forward. + +It's been more than twenty years (or forty, if you count splitting from you, Ioan), and it still feels incredibly weird talking myself up, doesn't it? If nothing else, take it from yourself that it's possible. + +Cheers, + +Codrin\#Pollux + +\begin{center}\rule{0.5\linewidth}{0.5pt}\end{center} + +\noindent Codrin, + +Wonderful as always to hear from you. This will, of course, reach you long after the point where I could answer any pertinent questions about Artemis that I have not already done so by forwarding on what I've learned, myself. The amount of updates quickly got to the point where it didn't feel worth it to try and summarize them at all, so you're getting them all. Besides, you can summarize as well as I. + +Dramatic, isn't it? Convergence! I just sent you a letter earlier today about the latest from Tycho on Artemis, so I don't have too much to add, really. + +I'm curious about how things are working out over there with True Name and the leadership. We haven't heard anything yet from Castor about how she's doing over there, but it's always good to get a fuller picture of how things are going when they are, yet again, involved in something enormous. + +Hell, on that note, how is the sentiment overall? There's been a lot of chatter; on the night of the announcement, we had to cancel a performance due to how excited everyone was. A Finger Pointing was quick to capitalize this, and went on a tear of digging up every single production that she could find about aliens to start scheduling. When she found a relative paucity of such, she started digging into sci-fi, going all the way back to R.U.R. I have, surprising no one, been contracted to write one for the occasion, and I've been doing so with what information that I have. + +(Also, to your question: yes, End Waking and Debarre have settled back into dating. I do wish you'd gotten a chance to meet End Waking. He is a delight to be around in his own coarse, woodsy way.) + +I'll pass on the snippets of secondrace language that I've received so far. Codrin promises that the grammar and dictionary will be forthcoming (probably in the next few days, if I'm calculating the transmission times right), but says that True Name has suggested that any large messages from Artemis be sent after a thorough evaluation. I can't tell if that means an evaluation of their contents or an evaluation of any hidden intent on the part of the Artemisians. + +\begin{center} +\textbf{BĂLAN CLADE-EYES-ONLY MATERIAL} +\end{center} + +\begin{center} +\textbf{CODRIN BĂLAN\#POLLUX INDIVIDUAL-EYES-ONLY MATERIAL} +\end{center} + +\noindent This is in confidence. + +It was interesting hearing the story of your triad (is it still a triad? I was unable to parse to what extent Serene may still be a part of your little polycule, though it does sound as though there is a healthier distance between you all now) in your words. Serene actually contacted us a few months back to pass on the story, herself, also in confidence. She made us promise to keep it to ourselves, even from you. I pinged her with the fact that your letter contained this information to make sure that I could confirm this with you, and she said yes. + +I found the whole story as she told it to be terribly fascinating. There was a brief twinge of surprise at the idea of an intraclade relationship, but it was not the first that I've heard of since Launch. They're hardly common back here, but neither are they unheard of as individuation increases and taboos lessen. Still, while this is not the closest that we've been to one—A Finger Pointing and Beholden are openly a couple—this is right in our own clade. + +It sparked a long, drawn out discussion between May, Douglas and I, actually. Less, I think, because there was any chance of that between the three of us than because Douglas is hungry for essentially every bit of information about the clade that he can get his hands on—though, May being May, she would leap at the chance to get closer to him, but the most he is comfortable with from anyone is friendship and physical affection (he will pet May for hours if she'll let him—and she always does). + +On my end, I was mostly interested in May's thoughts on the matter as, except for a drunken (very drunken) night with A Finger Pointing, the two of us together have at most friendly relationships with any other Odist. We've not talked about that night with anyone else, either, and hardly even with each other. When I brought it up, both May and A Finger Pointing laughed at me and told me to ``get the fuck over it'' because apparently that's just how theatre nerds are. + +However, when I asked May about it directly, she confided in me (and again, the anxious part of me compels me to note that I have permission to share this) that nearly seven decades back, she was nudged toward another Odist (one from the first stanza, though she did not specify which) by True Name, and a fork of her remained in a relationship with them for some time. Perhaps they are still together. May does not know. When pressed as to how this worked, she said that the instance who began that relationship was ``no longer me''. I did not ask further. + +Either way, it's something of a relief to be able to talk about this openly (or, well ``openly'') with you. Keeping a secret about one's own cocladist from them is uncomfortable. + +That digression aside, I take well your meaning about the divergence of Castor and Pollux. I see the divergence in you two, and while it has mostly just been an interesting point to consider at times, occasionally it becomes very pertinent very quickly. I have often admired the ways in which you moved beyond the Bălans of old. It's nice to see proof that we can truly own our lives—which is not to say that I don't feel that about myself, but in comparison with \#Castor's current malaise, it comes in stark contrast. + +I don't know how Dear would take a nudge from you, and it certainly isn't my place, but I do plan on helping Codrin over there however I can. I've been discussing this with May as well, and we are brainstorming suggestions for new paths for em. I don't think that ey could manage hopping right into life in academia as you have, both because of the differences in the university between the two LVs as well as the differences in your histories over the last few decades. + +I also want to discuss this with May as well, though I will await your permission. I do not think that she is at as much risk of conservatism as it sounds like Dear\#Castor is, but there have been several conversations between us now regarding the directions that the clade that I'll speak to in normal clade-eyes-only, as I plan on sharing these messages with \#Castor. + +I'll keep you up to date either way. + +\begin{center} +\textbf{END CODRIN BĂLAN\#POLLUX INDIVIDUAL-EYES-ONLY MATERIAL} +\end{center} + +\noindent While I'm sure that another Odist has already passed on this information, you should know that two Odists have quit recently, May One Day Death Itself Not Die and I Do Not Know, I Do Not Know, leaving behind no forks. The Ode is now ninety-seven. + +May and In Dreams were there at the end, and this has led to an increased sense of urgency when it comes to the clade approaching their affliction. To that end, several Odists are working with a psychologist recommended from folks on Castor (the Sarah Genet mentioned in the messages I've been forwarding) to discuss paths forward. + +These events took place during May's aforementioned overflowing spell, which led to it being prolonged to nearly a week. She has made it through, and my nose remains intact despite getting tackled, as usual. She has recovered well despite some lingering depression, but this, in combination with some of the news from Castor which you also will have received before this, has me more worried for her than usual. She may be a little terror, but she is my little terror. + +All of them seem to be dealing with this in their own way. May and Dear overflow in their own ways, End Waking's desire for solitude will override his relationship with Debarre for a time, and now this over on the Death Itself stanza. + +Can you do me a favor when you get a chance, and let me know how True Name\#Pollux is doing in this respect in particular? Doesn't need to be anything too in-depth, but, well, she is a part of this as always, and clearly there is something going on with her here. + +\begin{center} +\textbf{END BĂLAN CLADE-EYES-ONLY MATERIAL} +\end{center} + +Pass on my love. I miss you and yours. + +Ioan Bălan diff --git a/neviim/content/045.tex b/neviim/content/045.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..bd5212d --- /dev/null +++ b/neviim/content/045.tex @@ -0,0 +1,163 @@ +\hypertarget{codrin-bux103lancastor-2346}{% +\chapter{Codrin Bălan\#Castor — 2346}} +\markboth{Codrin Bălan\#Castor — 2346}{} + +\begin{center} +\emph{Convergence T-minus 0 days, 2 hours, 53 minutes} +\end{center} + +\noindent Despite the burst of excitement, the talks remained surprisingly banal. Even when the topic of the Odists' deception and the troubles that True Name\#Artemis still suffered on Artemis arose, the talks still felt like a political summit. The conference was still a conference, with its cloth-covered table and shitty pens, its uncomfortable chairs and weary participants. + +Ey counted emself among the weariest of them all. Tycho was still in his stride, and Sarah was keeping up well enough, though she remained fairly quiet throughout, focusing on watching rather than speaking or taking notes. Why Ask Questions had proceeded as though the news had never happened, continuing on in her litany of questions around biology and linguistics. In fact, the only one more tired seemed to be True Name. + +There was a tension around the skunk's eyes, a tightness to the cheeks that ever so slightly drew her lips back. Even when she smiled, her expression remained fixed and rigid. + +It made sense, after all. Acting in the capacity of leader was more than just overseeing the talks, it meant wrangling every conversation, and still managing to keep up her own side of it. Beyond even that, the skunk had been drawn into several conversations alone with Turun Ka over the final hours of the third day. Ey hadn't expected the conference to include anyone but the entirety of both the parties, so ey wasn't quite sure what to make of this, but none of the other Artemisians seemed unnerved by the leaders stepping aside in half-hour increments to hold what appeared to be—at least from True Name's expressions—in-depth conversations about very serious topics. + +Sleep brought little relief. + +The beds were comfortable, but empty. There was no wind against glass, no crickets stilled to silence with the passing of some imagined bat. There was no fox to curl around, no soft sounds of breathing. + +Ey plowed through two cups of (thankfully quite good) coffee on the morning of the fourth day, and brought a third with em to the conference table. + +The talks were slow to resume. There were a few halting attempts at starting up conversations about astrochemistry, but neither Tycho nor Stolon were well-versed in it enough to have the conversation without additional research first. + +\emph{Why had they divided the subjects between the locations?} ey wondered for the dozenth time. \emph{I'm sure that every one of us wants nothing more than to ask about the history of their trip, just as I'm sure that there are topics surrounding science that those on Artemis would love to ask about.} + +It seemed such a strange limitation to put on talks such as these. Why divide them by subject when the participants were identical? Were there deeper reasons beneath this? Was there a logic to having the discussions of science on Castor as opposed to on Artemis? Was it so that the less-advanced Castor would still benefit from the science and Artemis from culture if the talks went pear-shaped? + +Questions such as these littered the verso pages of eir notebook, the recto pages reserved for notes about the topic at hand. Ey'd sent dozens of those questions over to Artemis already; it certainly didn't seem as though this was the place to ask them. + +Answers had been sparse. The responses had invariably been ``it is not the time for that conversation''. At least the most recent note from Codrin\#Artemis—running at nearly three pages—had explained the use of that sentence, as well as so much else. Checklists and goals, indeed. + +It had also contained a more detailed account of Answers Will Not Help's breakdown and quitting, as well as the extended interactions with True Name that Codrin\#Artemis had been having. + +``I hate to do this to you,'' ey had written, individual-eyes only. ``But I simply cannot overstate just how dramatic and anxiety-inducing the whole event was, and I mean this in the most literal way possible. There are things that I cannot tell you. I cannot put them into words, and I certainly cannot set them to paper. It is overwhelming. The import is crushing. I feel like I'm going to burst and there's nothing I can do or say about it, and the only reason I'm describing it like this is that I \emph{can't} be the only one who knows this, even if only at one layer removed. You will remember soon enough, I think, but until then, I just need to offload some of the pressure.'' + +Ey had no idea what to do with this information, other than to accept a share in that load. + +With questions running thin and the table plagued by awkward silences, it was almost a relief when Turun Ka requested that it and True Name discuss sentiment shaping surrounding the arrival of Artemis, leaving the others to have a conversation of their own or not as they wished. There was no explicit communication suggesting such, but it seemed implied whenever this happened that Codrin and Turun Ko would be left `in charge' of their respective delegations, if there was such a thing. + +The skunk and firstracer stood and walked to the far side of the fountain where True Name could sit on the rim and Turun Ka could settle onto its haunches before her. They set up a cone of silence, and once more begin discussing what seemed to go beyond simply the fallout of deception. + +After a few more minutes of silence. Why Ask Questions stood, said that she was going to take the opportunity to get another glass of water, and wandered off without another word. + +That seemed to be signal enough, despite the deputization of the recorders, for everyone to take a break. Tycho and Stolon paired off immediately, already chatting about albedo or some other topic ey could not guess. Iska excused themself and returned to their rest area. + +Codrin closed eir notebook, finished eir coffee, and scrubbed at eir face with eir hands. + +``Alright,'' ey said. ``Would it be alright if I ask you an off-the-record question, recorder Turun Ko?'' + +``\emph{Ka,} you may. I may want-need to defer-delay response.'' + +``Of course, that's fine. Why are we divided like this?'' + +``Please explain-expand, recorder Codrin Bălan.'' + +``Why only talk science here on Castor and leave history and society to the talks on Artemis?'' + +``It is not the time to have that conversation.'' + +Codrin did eir best to restrain a sigh. ``But it \emph{is} a conversation? There is a reason for it?'' + +``\emph{Anem.}'' + +``If I ask you—you as Turun Ko, not in your capacity as recorder, or even you, Artante Diria—questions about the topics that are being covered on Artemis, would you be able to answer?'' + +``\emph{Ka,}'' they both said at once. Artante picked up after that, ``We might defer, as is our habit, but it would be impossible for the formal discussion to be the only context in which we communicate. Even if it were, there are layers to communication that go beyond words. We are learning some of each others' non-verbal communication, \emph{anem?}'' + +Ey nodded. ``\emph{Anem.} My counterpart on Artemis has written me regarding a sort of checklist that you are following when it comes to the convergence. Is this true?'' + +Artante sat up straighter, sharing a meaningful glance with Turun Ko. ``Yes, recorder Codrin Bălan. There are steps that we have noticed in convergences in the past and, in order to be prepared, we maintain a list of these that we look for throughout the process.'' + +``And to confirm, the possible outcomes are us joining you as fifthrace or not?'' + +Sarah leaned forward onto her elbows, watching the conversation with an intense curiosity. + +``\emph{Anem.} We will converge-join-together or we will not,'' Turun Ko said. + +``I'm guessing that asking what items are on the checklist isn't really on the docket,'' ey hazarded. + +Artante nodded. + +``That's alright,'' ey said. ``I'm sure True Name and the others in charge on our end had their own checklist that they're keeping up with.'' + +``If you have wargamed, as you have said, then almost certainly.'' + +Ey mulled over eir next question for a moment, considering as many ramifications as ey could, given the knowledge of this checklist. Finally, ey asked, ``Are convergences only named such if a race joins you on Artemis?'' + +There was a brief flicker of some emotion ey couldn't decode on Artante's face. It was almost a smile, almost pride, almost contentment, but it was quickly replaced by the polite expression she seemed to wear at all other times. ``It is not the time to have that conversation. We will soon, I suspect.'' + +``It seems pretty easy to read between the lines on that answer,'' Sarah said gently. ``Though I don't suppose it can be helped.'' + +Artante spread her hands over the table, palms up. ``As I said before, it would be impossible for the formal discussion to be the only context in which we communicate.'' + +``Text and metatext,'' Codrin mumbled, and with that, an idea dropped, fully-formed, onto em. Ey could feel the weight of it land on eir shoulders, the import of it digging into eir back like claws. Texts! Ey sat up straighter. ``With the understanding that there are correct times for conversations, may I \emph{give} you information for you to access at those times?'' + +Artante looked to Turun Ko, who raised its chin in assent. ``You may, recorder Codrin Bălan.'' + +Ey nodded, hoping against hope that ey even had the ACLs to do as ey'd planned. Ey knew that ey could create as much paper as ey wanted, though ey wasn't sure whether ey'd be able to create paper with text already on it. Ey knew that ey could create notepads, but had yet to try creating a notebook, as ey hadn't finished the current one yet. + +Nothing for it but to try. + +A desire to create a hardbound book was rejected, but the desire to create a soft-cover book seemed to be available to em. Text was a bit more difficult to guess at without testing, so ey brushed eir hand across the table, projecting the intent for a sheet of paper with the word `TEST' written across the top. + +Success. + +``Alright. One moment, please.'' + +Ey rifled through eir exos until ey found the correct ones and, with a single wave of intent, dumped their contents along with the desire for a softbound book into reality, lifting, one at a time, two books from the surface of the table. They were far from fancy, but their utility was all that mattered. + +``This is the first volume of \emph{An Expanded History of Our World}, a text containing a succinct description of the series of events that led from the creation of our System to the launch of Castor and Pollux.'' Ey handed the book over to Turun Ko, then handed the other to Artante, saying, ``And this is \emph{An Expanded Mythology of Our World}, which contains many of the same stories as the \emph{History} as told through the framework of myth and legend. Together, they make up \emph{On the Origin of Our World}.'' + +The silence around the table was profound. Both Artemisians looked at the books they held, as if still internalizing the import of what they'd been handed. Sarah looked startled, even anxious. + +``What is the nature-disposition of this document?'' Turun Ko asked at last. + +``It's a narrative of the overall history of our System from a social and political perspective. The first volume is a summary constructed from interviews conducted with those who uploaded in the very first days of the System's existence all the way up to those who had uploaded the year before it was written.'' + +``Codrin,'' Sarah said quietly. ``Are you sure that's such a good idea?'' + +Artante looked between them, picking up on the anxiety. ``May I ask as to the import beyond its contents?'' + +``It\ldots doesn't exactly paint the prettiest picture of some aspects of the System,'' Sarah said, audibly hunting for a diplomatic way to phrase it. ``It led to a reevaluation of the\ldots political nature of our lives.'' + +Ey tensed, realizing the import of what Sarah was getting at. While there were countless reminders as to the books impact on the Ode clade, it had always seemed an unintentional side-effect of what was otherwise a text that strove to be above all else an accurate historical document. It was bound up in those who had lived those lives, those who had been influenced by the Odists. + +Ey'd meant to provide it strictly in that historical sense, but realized that, in the context of her deception, the discussion of True Name and her friends guiding the trajectory of society within them might color the talks moving forward. + +\emph{No,} ey thought. \emph{This goes beyond the Odists and all their schemes.} + +``It's important,'' ey said decisively. Sitting up straighter, ey drew on all the gumption ey could. ``It shows more than just the political lives we've led, including the behind-the-scenes guidance that True Name has engaged in from the origins of the System two hundred thirty years ago. This is as important as anything else when it comes to understanding us as a species.'' + +Sarah's frown deepened. ``Which is why I question the wisdom of providing it at this point.'' + +``We're at an impasse, I think,'' ey countered. ``We haven't had a single meaningful conversation as part of the talks since news of what happened on Artemis arrived. It feels like we're waiting on some cue, like we're expected to do something.'' + +Artante was nodding, though whether in confirmation or agreement, ey couldn't tell. + +``This feels like a dangerous way to force the conversation to move forward.'' + +Ey shrugged, holding onto that courage and sense of right action. ``They deserve to know more than just the synopses and sugar-coated aspects of our society. The thing with Answers Will Not Help is something she and True Name dreamt up, but not representative of us as a whole. We're more complex as a species than just her, or than even the five of us.'' + +Flipping through the pages at the rate of about one per second, Turun Ko said, ``A conversation will happen-occur when leaders Turun Ka and True Name return shortly-momentarily. Please wait. Their conversation-discussion is artificial-superficial, intended to give-provide delegates other than leadership options to change-shape outcomes.'' + +Ey stared at the firstracer. ``You mean--'' + +``A step in the process of convergence is assessing the willingness of non-leaders to act other than their leaders might or even against the stated structure of the discussions in order to forward what they believe the good common to all races,'' Artante said. ``It allows us to assess the strength of individuality and self-sacrifice for the betterment of all.'' + +``Opportunities were provided,'' Turun Ko said simply. + +That feeling of being in way over eir head that ey had felt so often during the writing of the \emph{History} hit em full force once more and, stunned to silence, ey leaned back in eir chair, looking between the Artemisians and Sarah. + +``So,'' the psychologist began. ``Is this a good step?'' + +``Please wait,'' Turun Ko repeated, then lifted its head and glanced over toward Turun Ka. + +This must've been a signal of some sort, as the other firstracer held up a hand to stop the conversation it was having with True Name, gesturing her back to the table. + +The skunk was halfway through the act of pulling out her chair before she noticed the books that the other Artemisians held, the titles in bold on their covers. Her gaze whipped toward Codrin so quickly and with such fiery intensity that ey shied away from her. ``Codrin, what--'' + +``Leader True Name,'' Turun Ka said, interrupting her gently, but with enough authority that she stopped immediately. ``This is the penultimate item on the checklist of convergence that we were just discussing. All that remains is the point of decision.'' + +Ey watched as the skunk's eyes widened, gaze darting between em, Turun Ka, and the book in Turun Ko's hands, now about half-finished. She sat down heavily on the chair and sagged against the back. ``Well, fuck me.'' diff --git a/neviim/content/046.tex b/neviim/content/046.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..90da54d --- /dev/null +++ b/neviim/content/046.tex @@ -0,0 +1,151 @@ +\hypertarget{tycho-braheartemis-2346}{% +\chapter{Tycho Brahe\#Artemis — 2346}} +\markboth{Tycho Brahe\#Artemis — 2346}{} + +\begin{center} +\emph{Convergence T-minus 0 days, 0 hours, 18 minutes} +\end{center} + +\noindent Tycho awoke with the idea fully formed within himself. + +So sudden was the realization that his immediate instinct was to shove it to the back of his mind and do his level best to forget about it. He didn't want to admit it to True Name, to Sarah or Stolon, and even Codrin, grounding as ey was, seemed to be too real to discuss it with. + +He barely even wanted to admit it to himself. Didn't want to name it, put words to it. + +So he resigned himself to sitting through the meeting, trying not to look too uncomfortable as the lump of an idea sat within his gut, making itself known every time he moved, every time he thought. + +He was thankful that him having been relatively quiet to date meant that him staying quiet now was not out of the ordinary. + +During the first break of the morning, he retreated to the rest area rather than meeting with Stolon, requesting some distance to organize his thoughts. + +He skewed mildly positive and lay on his bed for a while, letting the quiet of the room in so that he could finally admit the idea for full consideration. + +The path leading up to it had been laid long before, he realized. It had been laid when he first learned about the concept of convergence. Perhaps it was at the time of his first ineffable idea more than three weeks back, when he first granted consent to four alien races to board the LV. + +Or perhaps even before that. Perhaps it was something integral to him, something about what made him \emph{him.} Some fundamental unhappiness with his life as it was. Not just the inability to see the stars, not just the feeling of being trapped, or whatever it was that had required the self-actualization of changing his name so many years ago. + +\emph{I am not who I used to be,} he had thought at the time. \emph{I am no longer the me who uploaded. I am the me who had grown to recognize his own limitations. I am Tycho Brahe.} + +That didn't apply here; he was who he'd always been. This decision had been with him from birth. + +He left his bed, left the rest area and returned to the meeting, with no more answers than he'd entered with, only more confusion. + +When he returned to the table, Codrin was standing anxiously by as Turun Ka read through a sheet of paper that, he assumed, ey had just handed it. A questioning glance at em gained only a minuscule shrug. Ey didn't know either. + +He collapsed limply into his chair once more and waited for the other delegates to arrive. True Name looked somewhat refreshed from the previous day, though still exhausted, and Sarah looked as anxious as Codrin, though he could hardly guess why. + +Stolon, at best guess, simply looked bored and antsy. They kept glancing at him questioningly, and he gave his best smile in return, hoping that it'd at least reassure them a little bit. + +``The talks progress. Does anyone have any topics for this next segment of the discussions?'' Turun Ka asked. + +``I do,'' Sarah said. ``How do you deal with restlessness?'' + +``Can you describe what you mean, representative Sarah Genet?'' + +``Yes. When one grows bored and unhappy with their current situation, yet with no clear idea of where to go next, it can lead to a feeling of restlessness. I mean this primarily in an existential way, rather than a practical one. Desiring getting away from scarcity to plenty is not what I'd call restlessness, but a desire to change one's surroundings because one knows the current ones too well, for example, is. Boredom and ennui are other terms.'' + +He tentatively tried labeling the idea that coiled within him with `restlessness' and found that it fit all too well. It expanded, rose, pressed against his chest from the inside. He tried, unsuccessfully, to swallow it down. It was quickly becoming too much. Too big. Too strong to keep within him. + +``We are well aware of this feeling,'' Artante was saying. ``After millennia, one gets bored easily, and there's--'' + +``I want to stay here,'' he interrupted, surprising even himself. ``Even if we don't become fifthrace or anything. I want to stay here. I want to stay on Artemis.'' + +Stunned silence fell around the table. Even he felt some of that shock. The words were out of his mouth before he'd even had the chance to check them for truth, and yet they bore as much truth as any mathematical theorem that he knew. They were \emph{anemla.} They were \emph{true.} They were \emph{correct.} + +``I also want for us to be fifthrace, I mean,'' he added, voice quieter. ``I want this convergence to wind up with that ending of the two. I want to join you, and I want \emph{us} to join you.'' + +``Tycho,'' True Name said, voice low. ``I understand that the talks are long, but I think there is time yet for that decision.'' + +``Maybe,'' he said, shrugging. ``But if I didn't say so, I was going to burst.'' + +Another silence. It felt uncomfortable on their side of the table, and yet the Artemisians had already spun up to fast time, some quite high skew. + +``Sorry,'' he mumbled. + +True Name shrugged. ``You are allowed to express your desires. I am simply concerned that this was not the best time for it.'' + +``I understand.'' + +They waited in uncomfortable silence. + +``I don't know that I'll join personally,'' Codrin said after the Artemisians spun down but before they answered. ``But I want that outcome, too. It's been dogging me all morning. I think Tycho just got to it before me.'' + +``You want your race to be fifthrace even if you don't join?'' Artante asked. + +Ey nodded. ``I'm surprised at how much I like it here. I could see myself living here, even. Just that joining would mean leaving behind at least one, and probably both, of my partners. Dear is an Odist, and would likely experience what True Name and Answers Will Not Help are—or did. I'm not sure that I could stomach that. Still, it's incredibly alluring, and speaks to the romantic in me. A meeting of species and cultures from light years apart, and little old us having the chance to be a part of that.'' + +Artante looked toward Sarah expectantly. + +``I find it fascinating here. I find this whole process of convergence fascinating, and I would find the process of integration even more so. I think that's why I brought up restlessness. One of Codrin's partners said, shortly after we first made contact, ``\emph{When I hear about Artemisians and emissaries, I feel every minute of that eternity. I feel every molecule of that universe. You ask how I feel, and I would say that I feel small. Insignificant, even. How much of that eternity must they have been traveling?}'' My response at the time was to toast to that, `To eternity and the weight of the universe'. I'd still give that toast now.'' She shrugged, looking a little sheepish at her small speech. ``So yes, I want that too, and I'd send a fork to join.'' + +``Leader True Name?'' + +The skunk sat in silence, her head bowed and her eyes closed. If it weren't for the way her ears twitched this way and that as though tallying some internal checklist of her own, he might've suspected that she'd nodded off. + +``I must confess that I may have forgotten what it is like to want a thing,'' she said at last. ``I do not know what it is that I want. I cannot stay here, as is plainly evident, but I do not know what I want.'' + +Codrin nodded. ``May I quote from the \emph{History?}'' + +She sighed, nodded. + +``Both you and Jonas mentioned the concepts of stability and continuity during several interviews. We summarized it as, ``Beyond all else, the driving factors behind Launch—and, indeed, Secession—were those of stability and continuity of the System. That life should continue, that we should continue to thrive, was the goal of those working on both projects from start to finish.'' Do you still want that? Becoming fifthrace as a stable and continuous society feels analogous, \emph{anem?}'' + +The longer ey spoke, the more True Name seemed to perk up. By the end of eir recitation, she was sitting up straight and had a smile on her muzzle. It was slight, true, and still tired, but it was an honest smile. + +``I do, yes. Thank you, Codrin. Then yes, I want that outcome as well.'' To the Artemisians, she said, ``We began the project of Launch as a way to divest. We wanted to ensure the continuity of our species and the Systems that we live on—Castor, Pollux, and Lagrange. We want to explore, of course, and we want to change and grow and all that comes with life, but we also want to keep living. I can think of no better opportunity for divestment than tagging along on a millennia-long journey through the galaxy.'' + +Tycho laughed, nodded. ``And hey, think of the sights we'll get to see along the way.'' + +``For certain definitions of see, yes.'' She smiled and shrugged. ``Thank you for spurring this discussion, my dear. I do not want to take too much time away from the conference, though, leader Turun Ka. I apologize if we need to get back to the topic at hand.'' + +After the round of answers, there was a long, blurred meeting, and then the Artemisians stood as one, each bowing as their race had when they first arrived. + +Tycho stood as well, and, after a moment's hesitation, so too did the rest of the table. He didn't know why they were standing and bowing, but it seemed to be what the moment demanded. + +Something had happened, just then. Something of import. He had no clue as to what it had been. Neither did he understand how, he realized, but he knew that it was something decisive. Something, perhaps, momentous. + +``Leader True Name, as leader of this delegation and member of the Council of Eight,'' Turun Ka said, voice bearing the weight of ritual. ``I would like to formally welcome you aboard Artemis as fifthrace.'' + +True Name stared at it, agog. + +Turun Ko picked up from there, its speech suddenly free of doublings-back and duplicated words. ``Recorder Codrin Bălan, as recorder of this delegation, I welcome you as a member of fifthrace aboard Artemis. The final step on our checklist was simply a desire to join.'' + +Stolon continued, proceeding down the line. They were bouncing on their feet, teeth chattering, clearly quite excited. ``\emph{Ka, ka.} Scientist Tycho Brahe, I am welcoming you as member of fifthrace aboard Artemis. We will dream of stars together.'' + +Tycho's eyes burned as he stood, rigid, and listened to the series of formal declarations. All of the delegates looked overwhelmed, shocked. + +``I am not able to speak to representative Why Ask-- Answers Will Not Help,'' Iska said. ``So I will speak to all. I welcome you as members of fifthrace aboard Artemis. We, as a society, look forward to learning of your arts.'' + +Artante was crying. Hell, \emph{he} was crying. + +``Representative Sarah Genet,'' she said through the tears. ``I welcome you as a member of fifthrace aboard Artemis. You asked us if we dream, and we do. We look forward to dreaming together.'' + +Silence followed the series of formal greetings, broken only by the sound of himself and Artante working to regain their composure. + +``I must admit, leader Turun Ka,'' True Name said, voice hoarse. ``I was not expecting this. I had been working under the assumption that we still had several steps to go on your checklist. This feels sudden.'' + +``\emph{This} is the reason for us holding two separate talks in separate locations about separate topics,'' it said with a hint of a bow. ``Working in parallel with different parameters increases the opportunities for forward momentum. The message that I received from Castor via recorder Codrin Bălan mentioned the penultimate step had been reached, that of acting individually for the betterment of all without the blessing of leadership. With that news, we expected that the decision point would be reached today. The opportunities for happiness and safety were created. There will be further talks as long as we are within range, and even after as we join with one another, all of which will simply be between us as species with shared goals rather than delegates.'' + +She and nodded, that faint smile returning. ``A sensible approach.'' + +``We have only small time together, \emph{anem?} We must create speed, \emph{anem?}'' Stolon said. + +``Yes. Well considered. I thank you for your openness.'' + +Turun Ka lifted its snout. ``We have passed the point where conversations must wait. All topics are open and more representatives from all races may attend. First, however, recorder Codrin Bălan,'' Turun Ka said, drawing a sheet of paper from the air before it. ``Please send this announcement to Castor by the usual mechanism without encryption, after you have all authenticated the message with a personal detail to ensure that this is viewed as a mutual decision. Please send those signatures encrypted.'' + +True Name accepted the sheet, read through, thought for a moment, then scribbled a short note on the bottom. She handed the sheet to Codrin, who did similar. + +When it arrived before him, Tycho skimmed through the letter: ``Both parties\ldots agreed\ldots fifthrace\ldots welcome\ldots{}'' followed by a few blocks of unsettled text that he supposed must be the eyes-only signatures of the Artemisians and the other two emissaries before him. + +What could he possibly write that would ensure that Tycho\#Castor knew the letter was verifiable? He looked around at the other emissaries, thought back through the last few weeks, and wrote: ``Remember what you told Codrin during eir interview: imagine sitting at home, knowing that you could have flung yourself off into space, out among the dangers and excitement, and choosing instead that boring safety? Well, here we are.'' + +He passed the note on to Sarah, who affixed her signature and handed it back to Codrin. Ey held it briefly, looking to be deep in thought, then nodded. ``It has been sent, leader Turun Ka.'' + +``Tycho,'' True Name said, loud enough for all to hear. ``Do you remember the poem I quoted to you the night of first contact?'' + +He nodded. + +``The final two lines of the fourth stanza are the most commonly quoted: Though my soul may set in darkness, it will rise in perfect light; I have loved--'' + +``I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night,'' he finished, grinning. ``That was the last thing I said before uploading. It'll be the last thing I'll say before I leave Castor.'' diff --git a/neviim/content/047.tex b/neviim/content/047.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..35f667e --- /dev/null +++ b/neviim/content/047.tex @@ -0,0 +1,10 @@ +\hypertarget{part-iv-integration}{% +\section{Part IV --- Integration}\label{part-iv-integration}} + +\begin{quote} +``How far, how far, how far away?'' became the refrain of the sailors. ``How far away are these campfires of the others? They must be impossibly far. They must be bound in impossible night, for we have seen the sun neither rise nor set, nor have we seen their campfires dim or fade, nor have we seen them blaze into new light.'' + +And yet they sailed on in their ark of dreams, calling out into the vast blackness that had long since enveloped even them. And in their ark, they lived the lives they wished. They lived out their dreams in eternal bliss or eternal pain or eternal strife or eternal love, for their dreams were their own and they were not bound to any law of the ark nor any whim of any other. +\end{quote} + +From \emph{An Expanded Mythology of Our World} by May Then My Name Die With Me of the Ode clade diff --git a/neviim/content/048.tex b/neviim/content/048.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..e087e3e --- /dev/null +++ b/neviim/content/048.tex @@ -0,0 +1,169 @@ +\hypertarget{tycho-brahe-2346}{% +\chapter{Tycho Brahe — 2346}} +\markboth{Tycho Brahe — 2346}{} + +\begin{center} +\emph{Convergence T-plus 1 day, 21 hours, 38 minutes} +\end{center} + +\noindent The process of leaving the formal talks was one of emotion bound up in the stress of merging. As unpracticed as he was at forking, the process of quitting and reconciling memories was just as foreign to him. Ordinarily it would have taken an hour for Tycho\#Castor to sort through the memories from Tycho\#Artemis and then another two for Tycho\#Tasker to sort through the memories from \#Artemis for a few weeks' divergence. + +These were not ordinary times. + +The better part of eight hours later, he was singular once more, back in his field, back atop his hill, finally able to sit and think and dream without having the pressing weight of memories pinning him in place. He could lay on his back and look up at the sky—no longer just his sky—and think about all that had transpired and all that was yet to come. + +At least for a little while. + +He didn't know why the arrival ping did not wake him from his daydreaming, but the gunshot sound of a champagne cork popping was more than enough to get him to jolt upright. + +``Sorry, Tycho,'' True Name said, laughing. ``That was far louder than intended. I did not mean to startle you.'' + +He frowned, shook his head. ``It's okay. I wasn't expecting you, though,'' he said, holding out one of the red-filtered flashlights that were permanently lodged in his pockets. + +The skunk accepted the light and knelt on the grass beside him, holding it between sharp-looking teeth as she poured two glasses of champagne. + +Well, `glasses'; they were shaped more like wide-brimmed, stemmed bowls than anything, somewhat awkward to hold, but then he remembered similar from the dinner party three weeks ago—so many years ago, it felt like—when the skunk and her cocladist, Dear, had lapped at their wine. + +He shared a secret smile with himself as he accepted his coupe glass of champagne. + +She removed the light from between her teeth and clicked it off again, touching the rim of her glass to Tycho's before taking a lapping sip. ``To the end of that fucking mess.'' + +He laughed as much as he felt was required to be polite and then took his own sip. \emph{Why is she here?} he thought, racing through a list of the day's actions, hunting for anything that might lead to a visit. He was, he realized, still wary of her, despite the memories of her struggling, of her confusion, her tears. Despite all her small kindnesses. + +After all, hadn't she chided them on the \emph{History} being a `very sensational book'? + +The silence drew out. He looked up at the stars and thought about just how much bigger the universe felt now. \emph{I feel every minute of that eternity,} Dear had said back at that same dinner. \emph{I feel every molecule of that universe.} + +And he did, now. He felt it all as something more real than it had ever felt before. The math now stood side by side with awe in a way that it had only ever eclipsed before. + +``Do you know how old I am, Tycho Brahe?'' True Name said into that silence. ``I am 222 years old, a fork of an individual who is\ldots who would be 259 years old.'' + +He waited in silence. There seemed to be more to come, so he enjoyed his champagne meanwhile. It was quite good. + +``I have learned many habits, and I have dropped countless others. Perhaps that growth is our protection from unceasing memory. We may retain our memories of concrete events, of who we must have been, but I am no longer the True Name of 2124. Even remembering her feels like remembering an old friend. I remember her perfectly, and yet I do not remember how to be as earnest. I do not remember how to simply celebrate. I do not know how to simply \emph{be.}'' + +Silence fell again while they both looked up to the sky. Nothing needed to be said right away, he figured. Something Codrin had said, though he didn't remember when: \emph{silences come with their own rhythms and will break when it's time.} + +Once he heard the clink of champagne bottle against glass again, True Name pouring herself some more, he said, keeping his voice as kind as he could, ``Why are you telling me this? Why are you here?'' + +She laughed, set the bottle aside and shifted from her kneeling position to more of a lounge, hips canted to the side with her tail draped down the gentle slope of the hill. ``I do not know, Tycho. I do not remember how to celebrate, but I still want to try, I guess. Fifthrace! I could never have imagined.'' After another few laps at her champagne, she sighed and added, ``Sarah has gone with Codrin to Dear's, and I am not welcome there. Answers Will Not Help and Why Ask Questions are in conversation with another me. Jonas is\ldots Jonas. Another me is talking with him and Turun Ka.'' + +``So you came to me, of all people.'' + +He was startled away from looking at the sky by the sound of a sniffle from the skunk. + +``Shit. I'm sorry, True Name. That was--'' + +``No, you are right, Tycho. I know what I am and how I became that,'' she said, voice thick. ``But I am feeling every one of my 259 years tonight. I just wanted to be with someone. Just\ldots be, you know? Exist with\pagebreak~someone without having some sort of agenda other than to celebrate something big.'' + +``But you don't know how?'' + +``I do not know how, yes.'' + +After a moment, he raised his glass, and the stars glinting off the rim clued the skunk in enough to once again clink hers with it. ``Champagne under the stars is a good start, I guess.'' + +She laughed. ``That it is, my dear.'' + +``I can't speak to your thoughts on not knowing how to be. I don't think I'm any better at it, honestly. Sarah would probably be your best bet.'' + +``I will be meeting with her soon, yes. We have much to talk about.'' + +``About the convergence?'' + +She shrugged, a subtle shifting of shadow. ``That too, yes, but also, news from the three Systems has been distressing. Much of the clade will be seeking\ldots well, therapy.'' + +He frowned up to the sky, unable to think of anything to say to that that would not sound rude or patronizing. He'd already put his foot in it once tonight. + +``Our cracks are showing,'' the skunk continued in a far-away voice. ``Growth is colliding with eternal memory, and the cracks are showing.'' + +He nodded, unsure of whether or not she could even see the gesture. + +``Turns out getting invited on a thousand year voyage with a bunch of aliens induces a whole lot of growth \emph{really fast,}'' she said, voice brightening. ``So I will be dealing with that. But come, if I share any more of my weaknesses, I will lose all of my hard-won respect. How do you feel about how things went?'' + +With that bit of humor, the walls were back up. The perfect self-deprecating comment brought back that tightly controlled voice. He felt a sudden sense of\ldots honor, perhaps? He felt lucky that he'd been able to see some more vulnerable side of her, and he quelled the voice within him shouting that that was all a stage play for his benefit. Even she was allowed vulnerability. + +``I'm not totally sure, yet,'' he admitted. ``There was so much that I needed to deal with when I merged that it took me all day to do so, and I'm still trying to make sense of it all.'' + +A slight rustle beside him indicated a nod from the skunk. ``No kidding. You have seen how easily we fork and merge, so it might be telling that it took me nearly thirty minutes to even manage the merge from True Name\#Artemis.'' + +He winced. ``I was wondering how that'd go.'' + +``Rough,'' she said after a moment. ``As soon as I got back to Castor, I immediately felt better, but no less tired. My memories of my time aboard Artemis are only just barely coherent. They are fractured and scattered. I could tell a clear story of our time there from start to finish, but much beyond that eludes me still.'' + +Tycho set aside his empty glass and stretched out on the grass, laying on his back once more, arms crossed beneath his head. ``I was worried about that, yeah. I can't speak to the ease of merging, but I'm glad you made it through all the same.'' + +He could hear the grin in her voice as she said, ``I am pleased to hear that. The distance between `we are coworkers and should act as such while at work' and `I do not actually like you but have to tolerate you' is rather small, and I could not tell which it was with you.'' + +``I like you,'' he said, laughing at her easy humor. ``You're a little terrifying, but I respect you.'' + +``Doubly pleased, then.'' + +``How do you feel things went?'' + +``As well as they could have,'' she said, the answer coming readily. ``The talks were peaceful, the instances of mutual incomprehension minimal, and the outcome amenable to both sides.'' + +``I think I hear a `but' coming.'' + +He could see the shadow of her nod. ``Yes. But also, there are some aspects of them that I personally do not understand, and that is uncomfortable to me. They say that they do not manage sentiment or use much in the way of subtlety, they say they do not steer, and I believe them in that this is usually the case for them, but I disagree with the assessment that their checklist was a matter of preparation. They had goals coming into this convergence, and while I am pleased that they largely aligned with ours, I am unnerved by the fact that they either do not understand the ways in which they steer or, more likely, refuse to admit such. The two failed convergences they only ever talked around show this quite well. You have heard our thoughts on the utility of social pain in maintaining defense mechanisms, after all.'' + +``Are you frustrated, perhaps?'' + +There was a moment's pause as the skunk shifted to lay down beside him. ``I suppose. Frustrated, a bit sad.'' + +``Sad?'' + +``Do you remember what the Bălans wrote about me and Jonas in regards to the Launch project?'' + +``That your aim was for stability and continuity.'' + +``Yes. There is a self-serving aspect to this, as there must always be.'' She sighed, and he heard her shrug against the mossy ground. ``The Artemisians and I share a goal of continued existence. I am pleased that we as a whole have been invited to share in that. I would call that a success.'' + +``But you won't be able to join them, \emph{anem?}'' + +She chuckled. ``Practicing?'' + +``I guess,'' he admitted. ``I want to get used to the language.'' + +``A good idea. But yes, \emph{anem.} I will not be able to join them. I will not share in that particular form of immortality. I could join for the individual continuity, but not the individual stability.'' + +``It didn't look like a pleasant time for you.'' + +``It was not, no. I doubt that any Odist will join them.'' + +A slow silence played, then, as they both looked up to the guesses at stars. The mention of information exchange that was to follow the convergence left him with a hope that some aspect of their library of technical know-how would allow a modification of the sim to lead to actual visual input from the telescopes to show, since the Artemisians could apparently access audiovisual data from within their system just fine. + +``How are you feeling, my dear?'' + +He spoke dreamily, feeling far off, far away from this hilltop, from True Name and all her subtle unhappiness. ``I'm on the cusp of something big. I don't know what it is yet, and I don't know why I know it, but I'm on the very edge of it.'' + +``Looking forward to sending an instance along with them?'' + +``Yeah, I think that's a good bit of it. I'm finally looking forward to something. I'm finally eager, rather than just anxious.'' + +She laughed, not unkindly. ``I am happy for you, Dr.~Brahe.'' + +``Thank you.'' + +The skunk sighed, and he was pleased to hear more contentment than frustration in the sound. ``What do you think now? Are they real, or are we dreaming them?'' + +``I don't think it matters,'' he said after a long pause. + +``No?'' + +``No.~Even if they're a dream, I'll join them. Even if this was all a dream, I'm happy to have been a part of it.'' + +``And have you any further thoughts on uploading as the stage of civilization most likely to breach the Great Filter?'' She sounded earnest, almost excited. It made him happy to hear, made him excited in turn. ``I must confess that the thought has been lingering in the back of my mind since our last conversation here. Old sci-fi dreams dog me still.'' + +``Oh, definitely feeling like I'm stuck in some crazy science fiction novel,'' he said. ``Uploading, furries, launch vehicles, and now aliens? At this point, why not? It makes as much sense as any of this.'' + +She chuckled. ``Well said, my dear.'' + +When next she spoke, True Name sounded almost as dreamy as he had, her voice holding the subtle cadence of a recitation. ``Calmest coldness was the error which has crept into our life; But your spirit is untainted, I can dedicate you still To the service of our science: you will further it? You will!'' + +He spent a moment searching the perisystem architecture for the poem True Name had been quoting from since he first met her, the one with the lines that he knew he would speak before he left, but was not yet ready to. + +\emph{That is a poem about death,} she had said, all those weeks—and yet so few!—ago, and as he prowled through the lines, he could see how it was that she had interpreted it, how she had seen in the words the danger of being left incomplete in one's goals, of the risk of not being able to see something through to the end. + +He was nothing if not a scientist, though, and although her reading, as one who dreamed in her own ways, was as accurate as his, he knew he had his own understanding of leaving a work unfinished so that others could pick it up. That was his dream, the dream of so many calm, cold scientists before him. It was a different take on the same dream, perhaps; where True Name might see regret in that error of calmest coldness, he saw only the comforting truth of his later science. + +Or perhaps that coldness was her own, and for that he could not fault her regret, only wish her the best in finding future warmth, only further his service to his science. diff --git a/neviim/content/049.tex b/neviim/content/049.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..7636195 --- /dev/null +++ b/neviim/content/049.tex @@ -0,0 +1,185 @@ +\hypertarget{codrin-bux103lancastor-2346}{% +\chapter{Codrin Bălan\#Castor — 2346}} +\markboth{Codrin Bălan\#Castor — 2346}{} + +\begin{center} +\emph{Convergence T-plus 1 day, 18 hours, 46 minutes} +\end{center} + +\noindent While it wouldn't have been totally true to call the celebration at Codrin's return `wild', it was certainly rambunctious in its own delightfully Dear way, with dozens of foxes scattering around the patio in a flurry of forking. Plenty of hugging and chatting and laughing and smiling. + +Ey'd been startled, in that half-doubled, roundabout way that an up-tree instance might feel, when ey merged down to find that True Name and Jonas had requested that Codrin\#Assist stay at their compound rather than returning home except for an hour around dinner. The fox's excitement made more sense, knowing that. + +At least ey'd had the chance to pull the fox's tail. + +Once it calmed down enough to do so, Dear dragged Codrin into the dining room, gesturing eagerly for Sarah to follow with. Their partner had a small spread already laid out for them. + +They spent the next hour recounting, carefully, the events of the talks. Codrin had requested that Sarah not discuss the Odists' reaction to skew until ey'd had the chance to do so one-on-one with Dear. They spoke instead in general terms, discussing the Artemisians themselves, the topics that had come up during the talks, and the final announcement that they'd be welcomed aboard as fifthrace. + +\emph{``What is the practical result of this decision?''} + +``Well, the technical details are a bit beyond me,'' Sarah said. ``But the Artemisians and our own engineers are talking about how to let the DMZ grow in size to some maximum capacity—maybe a third of what Castor has to offer. As many of them as want to join us within those limitations will be able to join us here. They will allow as many of us who wish to join them to do so, as well.'' + +``We'll also be exchanging our shared libraries of information,'' Codrin added. ``I think that transmission effort has already begun, actually. We're getting an enormous dump of information from four societies, and then we'll upload all of ours to them. It's going to be a field day for librarians, I bet.'' + +``Think you'll join?'' eir partner asked. + +Ey shrugged. ``I'm not sure, actually. It sounds fun, but I'm not sure I'm the same Bălan who wanted to be a librarian all those years ago.'' + +\emph{``Codrin\#Pollux has headed in that direction, though,''} Dear said. + +``I know. I just don't know if the same is something I'd like to do. I've got some thoughts on directions I might head instead, though. I've been talking with Sarah about it, and will tackle it deliberately.'' + +The fox nodded. \emph{``Of course, my love. I would be surprised if you were anything but deliberate.''} + +Ey laughed and bumped eir shoulder against its own. ``Of course.'' + +\emph{``This is all so delightfully exciting, is it not? I was worried at first that the drama would be too much. Aliens! Political summits in space! Imagine.''} The fox giggled. \emph{``And it was dramatic, I suppose, but it has settled down into merely exciting. Aliens, yes, but boundless new knowledge. Political summits in space, yes, but also a mingling of societies that we could not possibly comprehend.''} + +Sarah raised her glass. ``To the proper amount of excitement.'' + +Dear hoisted its own glass as thought it was an ale-filled tankard. \emph{``Precisely, my dear!''} + +Codrin smiled, sipping eir wine as ey watched. \emph{Proper amount of excitement, indeed.} + +After Sarah left, the triad sat around the table, saying nothing, simply processing this new future that lay before them. It felt almost too large for Codrin to comprehend. Something new. Something enormous. Something that felt somehow larger than the launches. Those, at least, had the advantage of being something that ey could predict, a frame of reference. Society continued much as it had before, after all, hadn't it? They had decamped from Lagrange for the LVs and everything looked exactly the same, minus only the few friends who had not done so. + +This, though, held so many unknowns. + +It was exciting, and that it was exciting to em bore excitement of its own. Something new, yes, but something different. Ey felt before em a vast landscape ey'd never explored. While the prairie always contained unknown spaces, it could not hold a candle to the future that lay before them. + +Only one anxiety remained, then. + +``Dear, can you come for a walk with me?'' + +The fennec sat up straighter. \emph{``Of course, my dear. Now?''} + +Eir other partner lifted their gaze from where they'd been staring at the table, zoning out. ``Just you two?'' + +Ey nodded. ``Please. There's some news about the Odists. About True Name, in a way.'' + +Their expression grew sour and they waved them away. ``Don't upset it too much, then. I've got plans for breakfast for dinner, and I won't have any moping over waffles.'' + +Dear rolled its eyes. \emph{``I will endeavor to be my normal, terrible self by then, yes.''} + +Codrin laughed. ``We'll end on a good note.'' + +They stood and walked out into the prairie, Codrin brushing eir fingertips across the tops of eir cairns as they walked. They made it past three before ey was able to open up. + +``You were right to warn me about True Name and Answers Will Not Help.'' + +Dear tilted its head. \emph{``I thought Why Ask Questions was the emissary.''} + +Ey shook eir head. ``They pulled some nonsense. Why Ask Questions was the delegate here on Castor, but they swapped in Answers Will Not Help for those who went to Artemis.'' + +\emph{``Because of course they did.''} + +``I'd call it cheeky, but it was more distressing than anything.'' Ey sighed. ``They really didn't do well with the time skew at all. When we first got there, Answers Will Not Help collapsed, and True Name was only just barely holding it together. Even when we were in a unison room—places where time skew was locked into\ldots uh, consensus, I guess—they kept\ldots well, they looked like Michelle. Alternating forms, exhausted, distracted.'' + +The fox splayed its ears, nodding. \emph{``I did not know how they would act, but I am not surprised that those particular memories would come home to roost. I am sorry for them. I am sorry that you had to experience that so directly. Did it negatively impact the discussion?''} + +Ey thought back over the memories ey had been left with from Codrin\#Artemis, frowning. ``Not necessarily, though we didn't learn as much as we had hoped, I think. Things just went poorly on their end. Very poorly.'' + +Dear waited em out. + +``Answers Will Not Help lost it. She quit.'' + +\emph{``\,`Lost it'?''} + +``She slowly got less coherent over time, but towards the end, she snapped and started hollering about prophets and quoting poetry. Bits of the Ode, bits of, I think, Emily Dickinson.'' + +It frowned. \emph{``And then she quit?''} + +``Yes.'' + +Eir answer must have been hesitant enough that Dear had picked up on the complications that lay behind that single word. It pulled Codrin to a stop. \emph{``My love, there is something you are not telling me.''} + +Codrin didn't look at the fox, choosing instead to stare out into the vast emptiness of the prairie. ``There is, yeah. I don't know how to tell you without\ldots I don't know. Without causing you grief.'' + +The fox squeezed eir hand in its paw. \emph{``If it causes me grief, then so be it, Codrin. These things happen. It sounds as though it will not be your fault, anyway. Do not worry about me.''} + +Ey nodded. + +\emph{``Codrin?''} + +``In the middle of yelling about prophets, she said that she `could not feel em'. She said the Name several times.'' + +The grip on eir hand went slack, and when ey turned to face the fennec, its eyes had gone glassy, whiskers and ears both drooping. + +``True Name tackled her to the ground, trying to shut her up. They struggled. Fought until Answers Will Not Help quit.'' Ey took a shaky breath. ``So, now three others outside the clade know the Name. I don't think Sarah or Tycho know that they do, but I do.'' + +Silence. Stillness from Dear. + +``I'm sorry, Dear.'' + +The silence continued. + +``Do you want me to do as you did? Try and forget it?'' + +The fox let out a breath in a coarse gust, and ey realized that it had been holding it the whole time. + +``Dear?'' + +\emph{``It is the end of an era, then, is it not?''} it said, words enunciated carefully. + +``I don't know.'' Ey squeezed its paw in eir hand, though no returning squeeze answered. ``I don't know what to do. I can try to forget--'' + +\emph{``There is a pain — so utter — It swallows substance up — Then covers the Abyss with Trance — So Memory can step around — across — upon it\ldots Did she quote that one?''} + +Ey shook eir head. + +\emph{``There is no forgetting, my dear. You bear it within you.''} + +``All the same, I could--'' + +The fox's laugh surprised em. It was breathy, hyperventilating, but sounded almost relieved. \emph{``No, Codrin. You do not need to. The poem continues: — As One within a Swoon — Goes safely — where an open eye — Would drop Him — Bone by Bone —''} + +Ey was too anxious to puzzle out the opacity of the language. ``I'm going to need some help disentangling that, Dear.'' + +\emph{``There are very few times that memory can hope to be selective. When one is drunk, perhaps. Drunk on wine, drunk on love, drunk on pain. Perhaps when one is drunk on a life lived too long, as I am. It is the end of an era, and perhaps we are all becoming inebriated by too long a life. Do not forget it, Codrin. Do not do as I have done. It is stupid, is it not? Look at me. I am in all ways drunk on time.''} + +Codrin smiled cautiously. + +\emph{``Do not tell me, of course! I do not know what that would do to me, after all that I have done to myself. And certainly do not tell any other Odist. I do not want assassins visiting us in the night to shut you up,''} it said, laughing in earnest now. \emph{``But also do not worry about your new knowledge. It is high time that we unclench our collective anus and let that shit go.''} + +Ey laughed as well. ``Right, right. True Name suggested not telling any other Odists, too.'' + +\emph{``Did she tell you to keep it from Ioan?''} + +Ey nodded. + +\emph{``Ignore that. Do not tell em the name directly, but do send a clade-eyes-only message to em saying that you know. Tell em to pass it on to Codrin\#Pollux, as well.''} + +``Why?'' + +\emph{``So that you need not be the only Bălan carrying this burden. After all, we are in love, are we not?''} It grinned, finally squeezing eir hand in return. \emph{``We are in love and Ioan and May Then My Name are in love. We are bound together.''} + +``Aren't you worried we'd hold that over your head if we got mad or something?'' + +It shook its head. \emph{``If you did, then we would not be in love, would we? I will write May Then My Name and the other Dear, as well, and tell them my thoughts.''} + +``Well, so long as you're sure that neither of them will snap and start hunting Bălans.'' + +\emph{``The same applies to us, my dear,''} it said. \emph{``If they snap, then they were not truly in love, but they will not. I have faith.''} + +``It sounds like you want to test all of our relationships.'' + +\emph{``It is not a test. It is a game.''} It giggled. \emph{``Come, my dear, this will be fun! The other two Odists will think so, as well, I promise.''} + +``A game, huh?'' Ey let go of the fox's paw to poke it in the side a few times, hunting for ticklish spots. ``You're so weird.'' + +\emph{``A game! A game!''} It laughed helplessly, then darted away from em, cavorting through the grass. \emph{``A game! And you are it! Catch me if you can, you fucking nerd!''} + +Codrin laughed and chased Dear around the prairie for a bit, the fox occasionally forking off to dart in some new direction, only to be followed by a new fork of the writer, until the prairie was littered with forks of them both. Each time one of em would tap one of it, both would quit until only two remained. They raced each other back to the house, nearly bowling over their partner at the door. + +``Holy shit, you two,'' they said, laughing. ``What the hell did you talk about out there?'' + +\emph{``When Memory is full,''} it shouted, dancing in circles around them. \emph{``Put on the perfect Lid!''} + +They rolled their eyes. ``Uh huh, sure.'' + +\emph{``Can we have eggs as well? And bacon? Bacon and waffles with syrup is a true delight.''} + +``Sure, why not. Want some hash browns, too? Might as well go all out.'' + +Codrin leaned in to kiss them on the cheek, still working on catching eir breath. ``Yes. Definitely hash browns.'' diff --git a/neviim/content/050.tex b/neviim/content/050.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..c957acf --- /dev/null +++ b/neviim/content/050.tex @@ -0,0 +1,107 @@ +\hypertarget{tycho-brahe-2346}{% +\chapter{Tycho Brahe — 2346}} +\markboth{Tycho Brahe — 2346}{} + +\begin{center} +\emph{Convergence T-plus 3 days, 20 hours, 18 minutes} +\end{center} + +\noindent ``Who's idea was this?'' Tycho asked, staring, unbelieving, at the heat-haze shimmer before him. + +True Name grinned proudly. ``A cocladist of mine came up with this. I would not recommend walking past the barrier. It is dreadfully hot beyond there, even for a desert creature such as her.'' + +He shook his head, looking once more from the ground to the sky. They stood on a well trimmed lawn at the edge of a forest, the shade provided by lingering oaks and birches delightfully cool amid the just-shy-of-too-warm day. The grass continued right up to a shimmering barrier of heat, where it quickly failed, a no-man's-land of scrub lasting only a few feet before it fell away into sand. Deep desert stretched out as far as he could see before him. Rolling dunes, painfully blue skies, mirages dancing along the horizon. + +So extreme was the temperature differential in so small a space that the barrier between the two, that shimmer of heat-haze, appeared to be a very literal wall extending as far as he could see in either direction, though after a few dozen yards, the forest crept right up to the barrier once more, impossibly dense, impassible. + +And there, right in the middle of the clearing, crouched flush against the wall of heat, sat a low tollbooth. There was a glass-walled cubicle, large enough for one person to sit on a stool, huddling beneath a canopy, a small A/C unit gasping and rattling atop it. A red and white striped gate blocked a concrete sidewalk leading directly into the desert. + +The whole affair was dusty and tired, as though it had weathered a hundred sandstorms and would doubtless weather a hundred more, though it would never be truly clean again. + +To the side of the tollbooth, straddling the border, a squat, flat building sat, fronted by a sign declaring it to be `Customs—Please Use Other Door'. From the roof, an aged radio tower reached toward the sky: a narrow pyramid of angle-iron painted in that same red and white. A light flashed sleepily at the top. + +``You guys are really weird, you know that, right?'' + +True Name gave a flourish of a bow, laughing. ``Of course, my dear. You will go through customs soon, but until then, please follow me.'' + +The skunk led him up to the gate beside the tollbooth—a peek inside showed the hazy form of an older gentleman dozing within, chin resting on his chest. The gate lifted automatically, and when they walked through, there was the briefest rush of heat, the haze of the barrier washing over them like a waterfall, enough to dazzle the eyes so that they arrived at the courtyard he knew so well by now as though through a dream. + +The space had been subtly re-structured, repurposed from a conference space to a small, comfortable plaza. The cloistered walk remained, as did the fountain, but the plaza itself had been made much larger, the trees spaced further apart, and comfortable seating of diverse shape spread throughout. + +``This will be the entryway that those arriving to the DMZ will see,'' True Name said. ``It is intended to be an area where the newly arrived can orient themselves, but also one that will be pleasant for those who have visited before. We are working with a few sim architects from Artemis to introduce some mixed aspects of greenery and architecture to make it feel familiar to all five races.'' + +``Are we going to keep calling it the DMZ?'' + +She shook her head. ``That would not be a good look, no. We have a short list of names that we are in the process of workshopping. The current top of the list is simply Convergence, though `Gemini' and simply `the shared space' are also in the list.'' + +He shook his head. ``Gemini doesn't fit. Tyndareus, if you want to stick with the Castor and Pollux names, but that'd make more sense for Lagrange. I like Convergence best.'' + +``Convergence it is, then,'' the skunk said, chuckling and gesturing him toward a shaded bench. ``Beyond this area, however, there is not much else. We have a smaller version of our compound already ported over, and I am pleased that you have agreed to let us bring your field over.'' + +Tycho sat on the bench and leaned back against it, looking out into the plaza. ``Nothing else, though?'' + +``Not yet. The border will open officially later today to members of both Castor and Artemis. The passage into Convergence from Castor will be rate-limited throughout this process. We will ensure that this area does not beggar the rest of the System for capacity, as we were informed during the conference that the Artemisians all take up a bit more space than we do, as should probably be expected by five-thousand year old consciousnesses. Still, we are not hurting for space.'' + +``Yeah, though thankfully they're not carrying around an entire five millennia of memory.'' + +``Very true,'' she said. She gestured to the space before them, willing a small table into being, along with two glasses of iced tea, one of which she took for herself. + +He took his own glass and sipped. It was quite good. + +``Are you excited to join them, then?'' + +He sat in silence, drinking his tea and looking at nothing in particular from the dappled shade. Too many thoughts crowded his head, none of them worth thinking, and once again, an idea sat within his gut, demanding to be spoken. He savored it intentionally, rather than shying away from it as he had the last one. The feeling of these decisions was becoming familiar. \emph{Trust your gut} indeed. + +``Tycho?'' + +``I'm going to invest fully.'' + +True Name blinked several times as she processed the statement, then grinned wide. ``I would call that excited, yes. I am very happy for you.'' + +``I don't know where the decision came from,'' he said, speaking slowly. ``I \emph{am} excited, yeah, but this just sort of came to me fully formed, like I'd made the decision before even thinking about it.'' + +``It need not make sense. I am in no way surprised that you have made that decision, whether it was conscious or not. We will miss you, Dr.~Brahe.'' + +He smiled to the skunk and nodded. ``Thanks. I'll miss you too. I'll miss all of Castor.'' + +``No, you will not.'' + +The phrase came at him like a blow to the stomach, and it was his turn to sit in silence. + +``I think you will miss some people here. A handful of coworkers. What few friends you have admitted to having. Me, perhaps, as you say. But you will not miss Castor.'' + +``Well, huh.'' + +She shrugged. ``This is why I am happy for you, my dear. You do not seem content with the life you wound up with. It is okay to want to leave unhappiness behind.'' + +He nodded. ``I suppose it is. Even then, I think most of my coworkers and friends are coming along with. Sarah will be there. Dr.~Verda will be there. It sounds like even Codrin will join us for a time.'' + +``I was surprised to learn that, as well,'' True Name said, leaning back against the bench with her tail canted to the side. ``Ey has come to eir own decision, though. It makes sense for one such as em to send along a fork.'' + +``Right. I'm sorry that you and Why Ask Questions or Answers Will Not Help won't be joining us. It'd be nice to have the emissaries together there.'' + +``We will visit once more before Artemis leaves effective Ansible range, but no, we will not stay.'' + +``Well, as I said, I'll miss you.'' + +She bowed her head in bashful acknowledgement, ears splayed. + +``And you'll get to meet your fair share of Artemisians here, as well.'' + +She nodded, smiling once more. ``I will, yes. We will still have plenty to do, even if we do not remain aboard Artemis. We will visit there, and it sounds like some of them will visit here and not remain. Codrin has talked Dear into giving one of its performances in Convergence so that Iska may see, though they will not remain here.'' + +``Oh? Did it say whether it would try to see one of their performances aboard Artemis?'' + +``It was undecided, last I heard.'' + +``And the other delegates?'' + +True Name looked thoughtful. ``I have not spoken with them since they left. My guess is that Turun Ka and Stolon will join. I know that Iska will not. I do not know about Turun Ko, but I would say that there is a good chance of it and Artante joining.'' + +``Stolon said they would join, yeah,'' he said. ``They want to make sure that they get to see more of the galaxy, and will happily spread themself out to do so. We'll still remain in contact with Artemis for years after the Ansible connection closes.'' + +``You will not be able to see the galaxy from here, if you do not remain. Are you okay with that?'' + +``Yeah,'' he said after a long pause. ``I think I am.'' + +They sat in quiet, then, finishing their drinks and then watching the ice melt in the mellow warmth of the day. diff --git a/neviim/content/051.tex b/neviim/content/051.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..f5a030a --- /dev/null +++ b/neviim/content/051.tex @@ -0,0 +1,90 @@ +\hypertarget{ioan-bux103lan-2346}{% +\chapter{Ioan Bălan — 2346}} +\markboth{Ioan Bălan — 2346}{} + +\begin{center} +\emph{Convergence T-plus 34 days, 3 hours, 23 minutes}\\ +\emph{(transmission delay: 30 days, 14 hours, 36 minutes)} +\end{center} + +\noindent Ioan and May both awoke to messages. May, however, was the first to read hers, having gotten up before her partner, so when Ioan stumbled out of bed toward coffee, the skunk was already sitting at the table, her note before her and eirs still in its clade-eyes-only envelope, waiting for em. + +``As soon as you are a real person, my dear, I need you to read this and tell me what is happening.'' + +Ey frowned, nodded, and diverted from the coffee pot to splash water on eir face to wake emself up faster. Something about the skunk's attitude suggested something stressful was afoot. Stressful or exciting. Ey couldn't tell which. + +Once ey sat down with eir coffee, ey opened eir letter and began to read. + +May giggled. ``What the fuck does that expression mean?'' + +Realizing that ey was frowning, squinting and chewing on eir cheek all at the same time, ey forced emself to relax. ``Uh\ldots this is weird. Does yours have something to do with it?'' + +``Yes. It is from Dear, who says that Codrin sent you a letter containing a game.'' + +``A game?'' Ey frowned, started at the top of eir letter and read straight through to the bottom. ``How is this a game? Codrin says\ldots but, well. What does Dear say, exactly?'' + +``My dear May Then My Name,'' she read aloud. ``Ioan will be receiving a letter concurrent with this that will bear both the end of an era and the beginning of a game between our two clades. The rules are as follows. First: remember that you love em, that ey loves you. Second: remember who you were, who you are, and imagine what you can become. Third: let go. Fourth: have fun. Fifth: pass this on to Dear\#Pollux concurrently with Ioan passing on Codrin's letter.'' + +Eir frown deepened. + +``Fucking foxes, I swear to God,'' May said, laughing. ``Now, I am assuming that those rules apply to you, too. Remember that I love you and that you love me. Remember who you were, who you are, and imagine what you can be. Let go, have fun, and tell me what the fuck your letter says already.'' + +Ey did eir best to square Dear's `game' with the text of the letter ey'd received. There were so many ways this could go sideways. \emph{Let go, hmm?} ey thought. \emph{I guess there's nothing for it. Let go and try to have fun is about all that one can do in this situation.} + +``Alright,'' ey said, holding up the letter to read aloud. ``Ioan, I hope you are well. We have finished our talks with the Artemisians in grand fashion. They have invited us to become their `fifthrace', meaning that as many of us as would like are able to join them on Artemis, and the DMZ will be expanded to allow a portion of them to join us. There is so much more that I can say here, and will say in future letters, but this one comes with a specific purpose.'' + +``God, even when you talk to each other, you are nerds.'' + +Ey forced a laugh, shaking eir head. ``May Then My Name will be receiving a note from Dear about a game. I'm not entirely sure I understand it, but it promises me it's an Odist thing. When I think too hard about it, I get anxious all over again, but Dear keeps telling me to ``let go and have fun'', so I suppose all I can say to you is the same\ldots{} + +``Uh, May,'' ey said after a moment's pause. ``This is making me really anxious, too. I promise I'm trying to follow Dear's rules and Codrin's suggestion.'' + +The skunk's smile fell. ``Well, please get it over with, then, and we can judge Dear on what it considers a game soon.'' + +``Alright,'' ey said. ``During the talks on Artemis, the time skew got to be too much for who we thought was Why Ask Questions and she lost it. It turns out that, through some design of Jonas and True Name's, they swapped in Why Ask Questions When The Answers Will Not Help for the emissaries to Artemis rather than sending Why Ask Questions. + +``Anyway, she snapped. She quoted several lines of the Ode as well as several lines of Emily Dickinson, talked about how she, quote, ``could not feel em'', and then she said the Name aloud. True Name got--'' + +``\emph{What?!}'' May pushed her way up out of her seat and began pacing. ``She did what?'' + +Ioan realized eir hands were shaking too much to continue reading the paper like that, so ey set it down on the table. ``Ey goes on to describe what happened, but does not include the Name itself. Ey continues: While I now know it, I'm following Dear's suggestion to keep it to myself lest I piss off a bunch of other Odists. It described it as\ldots well, ey continues, but you look like you're going to explode. Do you want me to stop?'' + +May's pacing had picked up in intensity and she had started compulsively brushing her paws over her whiskers and cheeks, up over her ears. Ey couldn't read her expression. + +``Ioan, listen,'' she said. ``Wait, no. Remember where you first took me for a hike? Bring me there again. Quick.'' + +Ey frowned, stood, snatched up the letter, and took her paw in eir hand before stepping out to Arrowhead Lake, the wooded, mountainous sim ey had taken her several times over the years. + +``You don't think someone's watching us, do you?'' ey said, looking around at the placid water, the deer trail, the forest. + +``No, but\ldots well, better safe, yes?'' + +Eir frown deepened. + +``Okay.'' She looked to be forcing herself to stand still, now, and her grip on eir hand only tightened. ``I see what Dear is trying to do, and it is really, really smart. Please do not be anxious. At least, not of me.'' + +Ey looked down at the letter ey still held in eir hand. ``Well--'' + +``No, disregard the letter, Ioan.'' She laughed and added, ``Or at least disregard it for now. There is info in there, I am sure, but the message is in the dynamic. Dear is an asshole, but a clever one. It has ensured that it doesn't re-learn the Name and that you never learn it for yourself, all while making sure that it becomes an in-joke between our two clades. It has removed culpability from the Bălan clade and given both itself and me an out, should someone like True Name come asking. She can come hounding you for information like she did after that first letter and all she would find is a clever little way for lovers to poke fun at each other. Let me guess, Codrin said something about how it feels like this is something a Bălan could hold over an Odist.'' + +Ey blinked, lifted the letter, and read aloud, ``I do worry that this is the type of thing a Bălan could hold over the head of an Odist, but--'' + +The skunk smiled, lifted eir hand, and licked the back of it affectionately. ``You two are so predictable. But yes. I do not think we need to worry about that. You did not learn the Name, and Codrin\#Pollux will not learn it, but it is enough that Codrin\#Castor will not be crushed by the knowledge. It is a delightful strategy. Dear has suggested a move that will preempt most every compunction the conservatives might have. It even used your concerns over power dynamics as part of it. I bet it told Codrin to leave that bit in. It always was good at chess.'' + +``But ey still knows--'' + +``Who the fuck cares about the Name?'' she said, swinging eir arms playfully as she held onto eir hands. ``It is a stupid hook. It is a way to make us seem more mysterious than we really are. What began as a way of protecting our friend's identity during a shaky political period turned into a way to control how we were perceived. It is our own personal MacGuffin.'' + +``Wait, what? Really?'' + +``Yes, really. Obviously, I do not want to share it. Dear does not want to share it. We are still serious about not wanting to share it. Serious enough for one of the conservatives to assassinate one of our own, even. This is a dynamic that has arisen over time, though. The Name itself does not matter anymore. The bearer of it has been lost to time, and any reason to keep it confidential is lost along with em, but it became a hook, and then it became an identity.'' + +``\,`Em'?'' + +She winked. + +Ey shook eir head numbly. ``You're all completely nuts.'' + +``Yes, well, tough shit. We have rules to follow, remember? I love you dearly, and I know you love me. I remember who I was. I was built for a purpose, and then I was a tool of True Name's. That is no longer who I am, though, is it? I have changed, and I can imagine who I will become. I can let go of this anxiety around names enough to understand what Dear is doing. And hell, it really is fun. You are stuck with me, Ioan Bălan.'' + +``Yes, yes. Stuck with the world's most annoying skunk.'' Ey lifted eir arm up, nudging May to twirl, balletic, beneath it. ``I don't totally understand, but I trust you on this. You can play your game all you want, but can we head back now? I left my coffee behind and you have therapy in a little bit.'' diff --git a/neviim/content/052.tex b/neviim/content/052.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..bca319e --- /dev/null +++ b/neviim/content/052.tex @@ -0,0 +1,211 @@ +\hypertarget{codrin-bux103lan-2346}{% +\chapter{Codrin Bălan — 2346}} +\markboth{Codrin Bălan — 2346}{} + +\begin{center} +\emph{Convergence T-plus 10 days, 15 hours, 42 minutes} +\end{center} + +\noindent The decision to send a fork along to Artemis had gone over better than ey had expected. Eir partners had initially bridled at the idea of em—or at least an instance of em—moving on without them, but when ey explained that that fork would miss them dreadfully and could also quit at any time in case ey began to miss eir family too much, they relaxed. + +\emph{``While I do not wish to see you test whether or not you will be able to get over missing us,''} Dear had said. \emph{``I recognize the impulse to explore and advance one's own knowledge.''} + +``Oh, I don't know,'' eir other partner had responded. ``I wish that Codrin the best of luck. Perhaps it will become a case of em picking another name and growing a new identity.'' + +At that, Dear had clapped its paws. \emph{``Yes! Yes, I can see that. Were that to be the case, my love, what name would you choose?''} + +Ey had laughed and shrugged. ``I don't know yet, but I think you may be right that this is an inflection point similar to the one from forty years back.'' + +And so here ey was, up early one morning before both of eir partners—Dear had grumbled sleepily at em when ey slipped away—standing beside a cairn with a mug of coffee, thinking about changes and a future alone. + +\emph{I can quit when I want, if I need,} ey thought. \emph{If it gets to be too much, I need answer to no one and can quit when I want. That will be proof enough of my love.} + +There were several weeks still within Ansible range, but something about this morning felt like now was the time for big decisions, for big changes. A dream, perhaps? Ey didn't remember eir dreams, but maybe it was one of those ones that lingered beneath the subconscious, making itself known only through the acts one takes throughout the day. + +Ey nodded decisively and dumped out the dregs of eir coffee, waving the mug away so that ey could walk without littering the prairie with dishes. + +One step away from the cairn, ey forked, and a new Codrin fell into lockstep beside em. Each step after that, each footfall that hit the earth, eir new instance began to change, forking nearly in place to bring each change to reality as the two of em made their way to the next cairn out into the prairie. + +Eir hair grew straighter, only some slight waviness remaining. + +Ey lost a few centimeters in height. + +Ey gained a curve to the hips. + +Ey traded in eir pronoun, and she continued on in her contemplative walk with her down-tree instance. + +A dozen steps before they reached the next cairn, they were joined on one side by a failing in the land, a meandering stream-bed—dry now, more of a wash, perhaps—that had not been there before the arrival of the Artemisians, nor even, ey suspected, before ey'd made this decision. Neither stopped to stare, overshadowed as it was by pending goodbyes, but Codrin thought back to that letter from Ioan so many years back, of dandelions in eir yard, of May telling em about the subtlety of the System, of Dear saying that perhaps this sim that Serene had designed might react to the dreaming of its inhabitants. + +\emph{How long until a ravine forms? A canyon?} ey thought. \emph{How long until the rains carve away the land? How long until willows take root and huddle around the wash until the water no longer dries up, but becomes a creek? A river?} + +There were so many changes bound up inside em—inside them both—and now, whatever subtlety the system bore had caught on and began to reflect some part of em. Something new. Something big. + +Her skin grew smoother, softer, fairer as they walked; her cheeks grew fuller. + +She adopted the Romanian skirt, \emph{fotele}, and blouse ey'd worn to the talks as her own. + +And with that last footfall, she chose a name. + +All throughout, Codrin walked and thought. Ey thought about what lay in the future. Ey thought about the agency ey still held. Ey thought about the words ey'd heard about being anchoring, about being grounding. Ey thought about that crossing point ey'd visited with Sarah, about the plaza that lay beyond. Ey thought about foxes and love and home and eir own anchors. + +By the time they made it to the next cairn and stopped once more, Codrin had made eir own decision, eir own changes, though none showed on eir form. Both of them stood, watching as the sun slowly crept up from below the horizon. + +``Have you decided on a name?'' ey asked. + +``Sorina.'' + +Ey smiled, nodding toward the sliver of sun peeking above the horizon. ``Fitting.'' + +``Well, not just the dawn,'' she said. ``But I'll be leaving our sun behind in more ways than one. I'll be leaving \emph{this} sun behind.'' + +Codrin sighed. ``That you will.'' + +They shared in the silence, though they had to look away from the sun before long, instead scanning the far-running prairie. Codrin did eir best to drop thoughts of leaving Castor behind. Better, ey thought to focus on the fact that ey was staying, to rush individuation as much as ey could so that the weight of eir decision wouldn't rest on the both of them nearly so heavily. That had been the point of all of the changes, hadn't it? That had been the reason why ey hadn't chosen the name first, \emph{anem?} + +``Will you miss this place?'' + +``Yeah,'' she said, voice quiet and small. ``I don't know how their ACL patterns around sim construction work. I won't port the whole sim—not the house, that'd hurt too much—but I may bring along a snatch of prairie. Enough to build a few cairns.'' + +``And do you have an idea how long you might stick around over there?'' + +She shook her head, and ey could tell that she was on the verge of tears. They both were. Ey took her hand in eirs and gave it a comforting squeeze, though for her comfort or eirs, ey didn't know. + +There was a sleepy ping against eir sensorium and ey looked back at the house, to where they'd come from. ``Dear's awake.'' + +Sorina kept looking out into the prairie, out away from the house. + +``Do you want to come back and say goodbye?'' + +``I don't know, Codrin,'' she said, voice hoarse. ``I really don't know if I can.'' + +Ey nodded. ``I think they'll understand.'' + +``Yeah, I do, too.'' She finally turned to face em, smiling through her tears. ``Do you think you'll even tell them you did this?'' + +``I don't know.'' Ey laughed and squeezed her hand, tighter this time. ``I don't know that I have that much sneakiness within me.'' + +``I bet you could manage. You already have one secret to keep.'' + +Ey sighed, nodded. ``I suppose I do. Why don't you head out? I'll decide on the way back whether I'll tell them or not.'' + +``Rushing me away?'' + +Shaking eir head firmly, ey wiped eir eyes against eir tunic sleeve. ``If you stick around, I'm going to keep thinking about it and not let you go. Individuation will happen as it will, but I'd prefer sooner than later for your sake, if nothing else.'' + +Sorina surprised em by hugging em tightly. Ey got eir own arms around her in turn, marveling at the fact that it was already a surprise. Perhaps she'd already changed more than ey'd thought. Or perhaps ey had. She felt like a new person, completely unlike emself, or even Ioan from whom they'd both derived. + +\emph{Go,} ey thought to emself. \emph{Go and be someone new. Go and be whole. Don't let your grief define you, at least not forever.} + +They stood in the prairie, holding each other as they cried their goodbyes. + +She eventually leaned away, pressed an awkward kiss to eir cheek and said, ``Pass that on for me.'' + +Ey laughed and let go of her. ``Will do.'' + +``Pull Dear's tail, too.'' + +``Naturally.'' + +She bent down, plucked a stone from atop the cairn, one of the ones that marked directions explored and said, ``For luck.'' + +Then she stepped out of the sim. Stepped away from Codrin and home. Eir home, but no longer hers. + +There was another, slightly more anxious ping against eir sensorium, to which ey responded with one of acknowledgement and began to trudge back to the house, trying to tamp down that sense of loss. Ey let eir eyes follow that new wash, tried to replace more complex feelings with wonder. + +\emph{``Goodness, my love, are you alright?''} Dear said, frowning at the sight of eir tear-slick face. + +``Yeah, I'm sorry, fox.'' Ey pulled it in for a hug, passing on the kiss to the cheek as ey'd promised. + +\emph{``Who was that you were talking with out there?''} + +Ey laughed and shook eir head. ``And here I thought I was being sneaky. That was the fork heading to Artemis.'' + +\emph{``Ey did not want to come in?''} the fox asked, taken aback. + +``She,'' ey said. ``She didn't think she could and still leave.'' + +There was a moment of quiet as Dear digested this. It finally nodded. \emph{``I understand.''} + +Ey gave Dear a kiss of eir own and leaned back from the hug, waving another mug into existence so that ey could get a cup of coffee. ``If I talk about this any more, I'm going to cry all over again. I'll tell you more about her later, alright?'' + +It sniffled, nodded. \emph{``Alright, my love. I would like that. Can you at least tell me her name before we move on, though?''} + +``Sorina. It has to do with the sun. She said she was leaving ours beyond,'' ey said, nodding out at the morning. + +Dear laid its ears flat and stepped back a half pace, growling. \emph{``Mx.~Codrin Bălan, you are the worst.''} + +``What?'' + +\emph{``You cannot say things like that to a hopeless romantic! You will destroy them! They will collapse into a swoon. They will drown in their own tears. It is frankly irresponsible. Now, if you will excuse me, I am going to take a shower and cry my fucking eyes out for a bit.''} + +Ey rolled eir eyes, leaning over to tug at the fox's tail before heading to the kitchen. ``Welcome to the club. Go get your shower, though. Cry all you need, but no drowning, please.'' + +It grumbled and stumbled off to the bathroom, setting up a cone of silence as it went. + +``What was that about?'' eir partner said from the bedroom door, looking somewhere between groggy and worried. + +``Sent a fork to Artemis, made Dear cry. The usual. I'll tell you all about it later. Coffee?'' + +After breakfast, with both Codrin and Dear looking more collected, ey ushered eir partners to the couch, moving to stand before them. + +\emph{``Are you going to give us a presentation?''} Dear asked. + +``Yeah, basically.'' + +\emph{``Carry on, then, professor Bălan.''} + +Ey took a deep breath, collected emself, and said what ey'd been practicing since ey'd started back to the house. ``I have a proposition, and I suspect it'll be easy enough for you two to decide on, but I've been thinking about how this all started and my complaints about feeling dragged along on adventures rather than taking part actively. I want to do something. \emph{Actually} do something.'' + +Both eir partners sat up straighter, suddenly more invested than before. + +Ey grinned to them. ``Let's move to Convergence.'' + +Dear blinked and laughed. \emph{``Codrin, you are such a fucking nerd.''} + +``You mean the whole sim?'' + +``Of course. All that work on those cairns? Of course it's coming with. I want to show them the prairie.'' Dear leapt up to wrap its skinny arms around eir middle and ey shrugged as best ey could in the midst of a hug, continuing, ``I want to show them what our home looks like. I want to see Stolon sun themself out in the grass. I want you both to meet Turun Ko.'' + +Their partner laughed. ``Well, hey, I'm game.'' + +\emph{``Will we move as forks, or invest entirely?''} + +``Don't care.'' + +The fox leaned back and smirked up at em. \emph{``Really? You do not care?''} + +``Nope, don't care. I don't care if we fork and diverge. I don't care if the rest of Castor never sees us ever again. I don't even care if it's all a dream or the LV failing or whatever.'' Ey straightened up and nodded decisively. ``That's my decision. I invite either of you to talk me out of it, but I warn you, it'll be tough.'' + +\emph{``No, no,''} Dear said, leaning up to lick at eir cheek. \emph{``We are both game. Let us pack up and move house. Or not! Let us abandon this place to rot and create a new house, a new prairie, new cairns. Littering! Can you imagine?''} + +Ey laughed and poked at the fox's side, hunting once more for ticklish spots. ``Who's the nerd now?'' + +``Any other surprises for us, Codrin? First Sorina, now this.'' + +``One more, actually.'' + +\emph{``Be still my heart!''} Dear said, dancing away from the hug to twirl around em, forking to do so several times over. + +``I asked Sarah to help me write up the events into another book, but while we do that, she's going to teach me more about therapy and what goes into listening more deliberately one-on-one. Not a huge career change, but a good one, I hope.'' + +\emph{``Really? A therapist? You are not going to be a librarian with all this new knowledge?''} + +``Nah, leave that to the other Codrin. Leave it to the university.'' Ey laughed as the fox kept cavorting. ``I'll take some classes, talk with Sarah, and see where it goes. Everyone kept talking about how grounding I was, and I liked that. I like just being with people and listening to them.'' + +``You \emph{are} grounding, Codrin,'' eir partner said. ``It'll be a good move for you.'' + +Ey grinned, caught the original Dear in the middle of a spin, and hauled the fox onto the couch with em. + +\emph{``Do you have any other surprises up your sleeves? If you do, I shall simply have to growl and froth like a rabid beast.''} + +``No, I promise that's it for now.'' + +\emph{``Lame.''} + +``Shush, Dear. What are our next steps, Codrin?'' + +Ey shrugged. ``Ask about and see what goes into moving an entire sim into Convergence. Talk with Sarah. Start compiling notes. Ensure Sorina's settling in okay.'' + +They nodded. + +``And probably throw a party. Smaller than for Launch, just friends, but there simply must be champagne.'' diff --git a/neviim/content/053.tex b/neviim/content/053.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..da66b03 --- /dev/null +++ b/neviim/content/053.tex @@ -0,0 +1,106 @@ +\hypertarget{ioan-bux103lan-2346}{% +\chapter{Ioan Bălan — 2346}} +\markboth{Ioan Bălan — 2346}{} + +\begin{center} +\emph{Convergence T-plus 50 days, 8 hours, 16 minutes}\\ +\emph{(transmission delay: 30 days, 14 hours, 37 minutes)} +\end{center} + +\noindent While Ioan could not say that the changes in May since the therapy had started in earnest were dramatic, they were immediate. Just subtle changes in the way she talked, for the most part. Ey suspected that many of them would fade over time, but for now, ey was curious to watch the ways in which she would occasionally catch herself up short, reevaluate what she was in the process of saying, and then continue more carefully. Ey was also pleased to see her journaling, as the skunk was not one for sitting down and writing, preferring to keep everything in her head unless she absolutely needed to. + +She was not a `new May' or anything so grand, but it was a sign to em that she was working hard at what she'd set her mind to, and while ey hadn't doubted that she would, it was still heartening to see, just as it had been nice to see the depression slowly lift as promised. + +Today, though, was a day for picnics. This was, ey was assured, a universal fact. + +Once spring began to tickle at the nose and before the oppressive heat began to drift lazily in over the lilacs and dandelions, this was the time for those who are in love to drag a thick blanket out to Arrowhead Lake, park atop that rock by the water, and share sandwiches and fizzy drinks. This was the time for stretching out in the sun, laying back on the blanket, beside each other, hand in paw, sharing in small silences and comfortable conversation. + +``What do you think of Codrin's grand gesture, my dear?'' + +``Mm? Moving to the DMZ? Convergence, or whatever they're calling it?'' + +The skunk nodded, turning her head to the side to poke her nose against eir cheek. ``I am also curious as to your thoughts on Convergence, but tell me about Codrin, first, as a Bălan.'' + +Ey laughed. ``Well, alright. I think it was a pretty good one, all told. It was very\ldots em. Bringing them together to make a formal announcement of `we're moving to convergence' is an incredibly Bălan thing to do. Still, I'm glad ey was able to manage, and I think they'll do well there. Ey certainly seems to have enjoyed eir time with the Artemisians, so I'm glad ey's going to do more than just visit with them across a border.'' + +``Really? Ey gave an actual announcement?'' May giggled, giving eir hand a squeeze in her paw. ``You are such nerds.'' + +``That's nerdy even for me, I think.'' + +``Would it have been nerdy for the Ioan of twenty years ago? Or forty?'' + +``Forty?'' Ey frowned up to the sky. ``Good question. I don't think so. That Ioan was nerdier then than even Codrin is now.'' + +``Makes me think that Codrin\#Pollux was right about em,'' she said. ``Ey had changed the least out of the three of you. Not that it is a bad thing, except in that it led to eir crisis of identity over the last few weeks.'' + +``The whole of Castor seems to have been the most conservative of the three Systems. Codrin, Dear, and even True Name hadn't changed much at all from what they were like closer to Launch.'' + +The silence that followed started out tense, then eased into something more deliberate, though ey couldn't put to words how ey could tell. + +Eventually, May said, ``Yes, it does seem that way. How is True Name, anyway? You have spoken to her more recently than I have.'' + +Ey turned eir head to look at the skunk, who was looking up to the sky, a far-away look of concentration on her face. + +``You really want to know?'' + +She glanced out of the corner of her eye at em, smiling faintly. ``In my own way, yes. I am striving to see the humanity in her, even if I know that I may never be fond of her again.'' + +Ey nodded. ``To be honest, pretty awful. Much of the clade has dropped all relation to her. In Dreams didn't tell her about the therapy thing at all, so I had to tell her about it and suggest she contact Sarah directly. Plus, from what I can guess, she and Jonas aren't getting along nearly so well anymore. I wouldn't be surprised if she drops out of the whole guidance business entirely—or is pushed out by Jonas—in the next few years, though they seem to have the response to the convergence pretty well in check.'' Ey sighed and added, ``I kind of made her cry.'' + +The smile that May had picked up quickly disappeared and by the time ey finished, she was actively frowning. ``It was not my intention to have her left behind. She needs this as much as the rest of us do.'' + +``I know, May, it's not on you.'' + +``I am trying to internalize that, Ioan. My empathy remains, even if the emotion behind it has transmuted. Empathy \emph{and} sympathy, as I am sorry that In Dreams left her behind. I can still feel for her, even if I do resent her.'' After a pause, she added, almost to herself, ``I do not like that I hate her, but I am helpless before that feeling.'' + +Ioan leaned over enough to give her a kiss to the cheek. ``You're a good person, May.'' + +She surprised em by turning her head to give the very tip of eir nose a rather wet lick. ``I am an utter nightmare and you know it, my dear.'' + +``You can be both,'' ey said, laughing. ``Even skunks can contain multitudes.'' + +She beamed proudly. + +``Different subject. Did Dear tell you about the other part of Codrin's decision? About Sorina?'' + +``It did, yes. What did Codrin have to say about her?'' + +``Eir letter read like someone struggling not to cry. Ey sounded crushed,'' ey said. ``From the sounds of it, they were together only ten minutes and ey still felt like ey lost a good friend.'' + +``That, and knowing some version of emself would never see her partners again. I think there needs to be a new word for the empathy one has for someone who is oneself and yet not,'' May said, nodding. ``It is the same feeling I have for True Name. Ey is not leaving eir partners behind, and yet ey feels that empathy with Sorina, who is. I am not struggling with the same problems that True Name is, and yet I am not so different from her that I cannot share in some of that understanding.'' + +``I'll have to start digging through etymologies for a good one.'' + +``I swear to God, Ioan, you are a parody of yourself. Every time I think you cannot get nerdier, you one-up yourself.'' + +Ey laughed. ``Love you too, May.'' + +After a luxuriously long stretch, the skunk rolled onto her front, resting her cheek on folded arms. This seemed like a good idea, given the ache starting in eir back from laying on a rock for too long, so ey followed suit, and they both settled into quiet, enjoying the sun on their backs and the sound of small waves breaking over pebbles below, of the stream not too far in the distance. + +Ey could feel the doziness of a nice picnic and warm sun beckoning em to nap, but ey knew that ey'd wake up a pile of aches and pains if ey slept like this. + +``Tell me a story, May.'' + +``Mm?'' The skunk sounded sleepy as well. ``Okay. How true would you like it?'' + +``As true as you'd like,'' ey said. ``Do you have another myth you could share?'' + +``When the second people met the first,'' she said after a long pause. ``They found them strange and otherworldly. The way they thought, the way they lived their lives, all of it was strange to them. When the first people looked out on the world, they saw something different than what they themselves did. They saw more, perhaps, or perhaps they saw it more vividly. None could say. + +``The second people did not know their own origins, and so they invented story after story to explain where they came from, and through countless years, first one story would take root and flourish, and all would believe that they had come from dust with the breath of life blown into them by a distant God, and then that story would fade and they would all believe that random chance and unchecked chaos brought together the right elements in the right way, the right conditions crushing them into the very beginnings of life.'' + +Ioan watched as the skunk spoke. Ey was never sure how much of her stories were made up on the spot, were composed from existing ideas, or had been long rehearsed. All the same, it was entrancing watching her speak, that far-away look in her eyes as though she were seeing the story rather than the mountains or the lake. + +``When the second people met the first, their stories collapsed around them like castles made in sand, as they realized that they were not the first, that they were not alone, or original, or unique, for did the first people not exist long before them? Did they not look out on younger skies? + +``The second people watched the first, and when they talked to them, they only talked around the topic of origins, for surely the first people knew where they came from, and even if they did not, perhaps they knew where the second people had come from and could offer them hope in the face of death and surety in the face of uncertainty. And yet, what a sensitive topic that must be! How embarrassing to not know one's origins.'' + +``Did they?'' Ioan asked after May's story drifted into silence. + +``When one of the second people finally screwed up the courage to ask one of the first people, ``Where do you come from? Where do we come from? What is our origin, our root?'' they answered, ``We were hoping you could tell us.''\,'' + +Ey laughed and ruffled a hand between May's ears before petting the fur back into order once more. + +``Do you really suppose the Artemisians will look to us for answers?'' + +The skunk grinned, dotting her nose to eirs. ``I do not see how they could not, my dear. Is that not what exploration is? Do we not both dream?'' diff --git a/neviim/content/054.tex b/neviim/content/054.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..e1b43e6 --- /dev/null +++ b/neviim/content/054.tex @@ -0,0 +1,93 @@ +\hypertarget{tycho-brahe-2346}{% +\chapter{Tycho Brahe — 2346}} +\markboth{Tycho Brahe — 2346}{} + +\begin{center} +\emph{Convergence T-plus 49 days, 5 hours, 57 minutes} +\end{center} + +\noindent ``I don't own a suit, and while I could have picked one up, it seemed like too much work for the occasion,'' Tycho said once the clock struck eight and he'd stood from his seat at the head of the table. ``So the usual jeans and flannel it is.'' + +Those gathered laughed. + +They'd claimed a portion of the plaza for his last dinner, setting up a long table not too dissimilar from that which they'd sat at for the conference. He stood at one end, and at the other True Name sat, smiling and watching him rise for his speech. To his right sat Codrin and eir two partners, both of whom had spent much of the evening conversing with each other and the few scientists who sat to his left and the Artemisians beyond. He'd not missed the fact that they seemed to be ignoring the other three Odists as best they could other than to accept praise for the food they'd cooked for the occasion. + +Those scientists included Dr.~Verda and several of his other colleagues who had served as on-duty astronomer for Castor throughout the long years. + +Beyond them, to either side of the table, sat a gaggle of Artemisians. Both Turun Ka and Turun Ko were there, despite not partaking in the meal. Stolon and Iska sat across from them and had both tried the various dishes to greater or lesser success. Artante Diria sat next to them across from Sarah Genet, and they had spent much of the meal talking with the quiet earnestness of those who shared a beloved profession. + +Beyond them, Sovanna sat across from Answers Will Not Help—a move that surely must have been intentional—and beside Jonas. Across from Jonas, Why Ask Questions sat beside the final guest, True Name. + +The dinner had been his idea, and the speech True Name's. He'd balked at it originally, but in the end, she'd won out, convincing him that if he was headed to a place where he could forget, making his last moments on Castor memorable should be a priority. + +Luckily, for all his nerves, he'd always done well at giving talks at conferences, and the two and a half glasses of wine he'd already had certainly helped. + +``When it was suggested that I give a little speech before I go, I was at a loss for what to talk about. I mean, I guess I could talk about the stars or something, but I've bored enough of you to death already with that, and Stolon and I will have time enough on Artemis.'' + +The thirdracer chattered their teeth, looking pleased. + +``It wasn't until I realized that this would be something of a eulogy that I started getting ideas on what to talk about. I talked with Dear about it and it laughed and told me about some thoughts that it had around Launch. I didn't know any of them then, but apparently it and its partners had a Death Day party, and that's kind of what this is, isn't it? I'm dying to many of you, only to haunt you from beyond the grave with vague pronouncements about the heavens for a little while. + +``Once I started thinking of it that way, I was able to come up with some better words for tonight, some of which I'll blame True Name for.'' + +The skunk raised her glass to him. + +``When we first heard from the Artemisians, True Name met me at my sim and quoted a snippet of poetry by Sarah Williams: `Reach me down my Tycho Brahe,—I would know him when we meet, When I share my later science, sitting humbly at his feet; He may know the law of all things, yet be ignorant of how We are working to completion, working on from then till now.' + +``See, Tycho Brahe is a name I picked for myself twenty years ago when Codrin interviewed me for the \emph{History}. Brahe was an astronomer born eight centuries ago this year. A lot of his science was bunk, but that's what the poem says, isn't it? He may know the law of all things, but we're the ones with the later science. + +``That stanza was quoted to me as a way of suggesting that we will learn from the later science of the Artemisians, and perhaps we'll have something to teach them as well, but also, as True Name noted, it's a poem about death, telling the final words of an astronomer to his pupil.'' + +The mood had settled into somber, present, and while most eyes were dry, he could tell there was still sadness in there. + +``I won't quote the whole thing, since it's quite long, but there's a few bits that I'd like to share with you before I leave. + +``\,`There has been a something wanting in my nature until now; I can dimly comprehend it,—that I might have been more kind, Might have cherished you more wisely, as the one I leave behind.' + +``Perhaps I should have cherished you all more while I was here. I really don't know. It's not in my nature to cherish people, for better or worse, but maybe I should have cherished my time here on Castor, or even back on Lagrange, more than I did. It was still home, wasn't it? I lived here. I loved what I did. `What, for us,' Williams writes. `Are all distractions of men's fellowship and smiles? What, for us, the goddess Pleasure, with her meretricious wiles?' Pleasure came second, and the fallout of that is that I was fundamentally unhappy, and thus perhaps unable to cherish. + +``That's not to say that I won't miss you all. Some of you are up on Artemis already, and some more may join in these last few days before the Ansible shuts down, but no matter what, I \emph{will} miss you all. + +``It's just that, as the poem says, `I have sown, like Tycho Brahe, that a greater man may reap; But if none should do my reaping, 'twill disturb me in my sleep.' I'm headed off to newer places, to learn the later sciences at the feet of those who have been traveling for so long. I've done my work, though I've left it incomplete. Many of you will have much to work on to complete it. You must! + +``In fact, I think the only thing I'm leaving behind that is well and truly finished to my liking is my sim, and even then, it sounds like perisystem engineers are working on getting visual transmission piped in.'' + +There were some smiles around the table, but no laughter. All were focused entirely on him, and he had to force down a wave of embarrassment at his speech. + +``I only have one more snippet of poetry to leave you with, something engraved on the astronomy building on campus, back phys-side. It will be my goodbye. It was the last thing I said on Earth, it'll be the last thing I say on Castor, and trust me when I say that those words made me dizzy the first time I thought of them. `Last thing I say on Castor'. I'll cease being here. I'll cease being in a place that is all—or, now, a majority—my own species. I'll cease being on anything made around our own dear Sun. + +``I could draw out such a goodbye, but I won't. Not more than I already have. You'll have your memories, won't you?'' + +He lifted his half-full glass of wine to the sky and, even as the other members of the dinner began to lift theirs, downed it in two coarse swallows. ``\,`Though my soul may set in darkness, it will rise in perfect light. I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night.'\,'' + +Perhaps they toasted to him. Perhaps they said goodbye to him, calling out. Perhaps some of them did cry, as he knew he would if he stayed any longer. + +He didn't know. + +Before he could look, before he could listen, he set his glass down, turned on his heel and walked straight into the customs building, this entrance (one of hundreds now) temporarily off-limits for tonight's event. His event. + +Within, there was a small pedestal—one among thousands, most occupied with others making the journey—that bore a plaque he'd read countless times by now: \emph{Place your hand on the pedestal below and hold it there for ten seconds. This is a \textbf{transfer process} of the current instance, so please be sure to leave a fork behind.} + +He did not leave a fork behind. He simply closed his eyes, put his hand on the pedestal, and waited, counting heartbeats. + +There it was. There was the discontinuity. + +There was that slippery feeling to time. There was that change in atmosphere, that change in pressure, that change in ACLs. There was that change in the way the very fabric of the world was woven. + +There, too, was Stolon standing just outside the pavilion that served as the arrival point from Castor. Stolon and Sorina and Iska and Turun Ka and Turun Ko and Artante; they were all there, his own small welcoming committee. Beside them stood the rest of what had become the Council of Ten, of which he was now a part. Representatives of all those aboard Artemis. + +And beyond them, crowds and crowds of others, milling around the plaza. Firstracers through fourthracers, and hundreds of humans—no, fifthracers, now—all of whom must still be learning their way around, being shown the ropes by the volunteer guides. + +He stepped out into the cool night, and, as he had slowly grown used to, let Stolon butt their head against his arm in a friendly greeting. He couldn't do the same, given the height difference, so he'd taken to bumping a fist against the thirdracer's shoulder in response. + +``\emph{Nahi,} Tycho.'' + +``\emph{Nahi,} Stolon,'' he said, taking a deep breath of the now-familiar air. + +``It is done, \emph{anem?} It is finished?'' + +He nodded and smiled. An earnest smile. A true smile. + +He'd finally done it. He'd finally done \emph{something.} This future was his. Even if it was all just a dream, it was \emph{his} dream. His dream of stars to make of it what he would. + +\emph{We will dream of stars,} Stolon had said, and he knew they would. diff --git a/neviim/content/055.tex b/neviim/content/055.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..4400733 --- /dev/null +++ b/neviim/content/055.tex @@ -0,0 +1,8 @@ +\hypertarget{epilogue}{% +\section{Epilogue}\label{epilogue}} + +\begin{quote} +And still, they dream. +\end{quote} + +From \emph{An Expanded Mythology of Our World} by May Then My Name Die With Me of the Ode clade diff --git a/neviim/content/056.tex b/neviim/content/056.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..37f902d --- /dev/null +++ b/neviim/content/056.tex @@ -0,0 +1,101 @@ +\hypertarget{awdae-2114}{% +\chapter{AwDae — 2114}} +\markboth{AwDae — 2114}{} + +\noindent The world had long since begun to blur, to sag. It had shifted from some known sense of realism to something unknown, some watercolor painting with too much medium, or perhaps an impressionist's pastels, smearing the boundaries between one thing and the next. + +It was not as though ey could not see well, for if ey dedicated enough energy to the act of seeing, the act of looking, then everything was as in-focus as it had always been. + +Rather, it was a sense, a sensation, a way of moving through the world that implied that \emph{this is how it must be.} The utilitarian furniture. Eir sparse apartment in the S-R Bloc with its grimy wallpaper and mountainous views. Eir tea cup and kettle. Eir dreams. All of it was slowly losing coherence, and ey could not tell whether it was a natural process or something new brought on by all of the therapies and the two exploratory surgeries. + +They had poked around in eir brain, had they not? They had dug through eir mind. They had explored eir dreams. They had delved through memory and found the choicest bits. They had plumbed the depths of eir creativity. + +Ey did not know what they did. They would explain, and perhaps ey would understand, perhaps ey would not. It did not matter, none of it mattered. + +All that mattered was the promise. All that mattered were the occasional glimpses into some subtle mirror that only ey experienced. All that mattered was a new thing. + +AwDae—for that is what ey requested they call em moving forward—had been flown from London to Belize. From Belize to Ontario. From Ontario to Addis Ababa. From Addis Ababa to Beijing. From Beijing to Vladivostok. From Vladivostok to Yakutsk, and from there, finally, ey was driven North, North, North, and then West. + +Ey did not know where ey was and, ey was promised, the hope was that no one else would either. There would be a confusing trail of visas, flight records, and brief conversations spotted here and there until ey was elsewhere, until ey was nowhere. A nowhere safe enough to stay. A nowhere ey was allowed to send one final message to Sasha, whom ey loved above all else. + +The briefing, once ey had reached the compound, had lasted days. + +The engineers of the System—so vague a name as to keep discussions impossible to trace—had been toiling for nearly a year on achieving the dream of countless futurists. They had been looking into what would be involved in moving a mind to some newer reality. Some reality built of the minds that inhabited it. + +It had begun as a way to spread humanity through the 'net, and when their ethicists had warned them that inhabiting a place so ridden with terror and danger would be cruel, they had narrowed their goal to this new world. A mirror world of all the meaning ey could dream of and more. + +They had been trying for nearly a year to build such. Avenues: many. + +Perhaps they could read, over time, EEGs, EKGs, PETs, CATs, MRIs, however many scans they could manage, stream them in real time into a computer prepared to take them and turn them into a new person, or maybe the same person but different, running within a simulated room. + +No luck. They were not enough of a person. Missing was proprioception. Missing was sanity. Missing was enough of a mind to be called a personality. + +Perhaps they could map the neurons in a body and set them to running in concert, studying and building and creating and dreaming until it would become a person entire. They began on cadavers, and then on one unlucky living soul destined for death by choice and countless sheaves of paperwork + +This was too much, too much. There was no way to simply emulate process after process in any reasonable fashion. When they did manage it, it was a simulation of a perfectly working body. It was not a mind. It was not a Person. They had written papers on it, gotten them published, and then moved on to explore new tacks. + +Perhaps they could combine the two. Perhaps they could build a map of a system and also mesh it with scans. Perhaps, perhaps\ldots{} + +And yet while this creation of theirs was close to a person, it fell short as it crashed ceaselessly into strange loop after strange loop. There was no world in which they could place it wherein it could live happily, live sane. + +No luck, no luck. + +And here is where the lost came in. Here is where they were able to take a core dump and investigate it for the ever-changing, ever-evolving state of a delved-in personality and, on finding it, push it into being. The core itself wasn't enough—Sasha's core, ey had been told—and so they repeated this process with another of the lost yearning for death. + +Presentation after presentation ey watched through watercolor-smeared vision, through surreal touch and surreal hearing. + +Ey could feel that death creeping, even before ey had taken all eir flights. Ey could feel the way it stole minutes from em, borrowed hours and never gave them back, draped languidly over days and made them inaccessible. + +Eir promise, eir promise\ldots{} + +Eir promise to emself. Eir promise to Sasha. Eir promise to Carter. Eir promise in quiet whispers over the still warm but unalive body of Prisca. \emph{I decided against it,} ey told emself, awaiting dreams. \emph{Truly decided: I made a conscious decision to stick around, remember?} + +But the pet lost that the scientists had begun with, they were madder than em, and ey was too mad to see in anything but smeared paint spelling out the language of the mad, to see in language that dripped from eir tongue in studied ink, to see in language that fell in sooty tears from eir eyes. + +Their pet lost ran better than any other of their simulations before. There had been a glimmer there. A few milliseconds before the crash. A few milliseconds of life. There had been a swelling in the System. Bits and bytes and countless drives worth of data swelling and growing and they could tell that a burst of creativity had been blown into the memory of the computer—if computer it was—that was destined to be this new world. + +And then, truly free, the mind had ceased to exist. It had craved death too much, and in one final act of destruction, a creation in its own right, it plowed through all of that creativity and deleted it. It wiped the computers and, through some unknown manner, reached back down the line to the machines used to create the emulation, and corrupted all of their data and scans and neural maps in turn. + +Perhaps, perhaps\ldots{} + +You are it, they promised. You are next in line. You are the one who can do it. We have faith. We believe. More, we desire nothing else for you, for we are dreamers. Success and political advantage were in the realm of politicians, were in the realm of managers like Prakash. That was their arena. Ours is the arena of hope, of triumph, of wishing the best for you, and our success will be one of pure pride, pure joy. + +This will hurt, they promised. This will hurt and you will die, they said. You will die as we map every synapse within your brain as fast as we possibly can. We will map them as your body dies, tearing through your brain at the speed of \emph{n} thoughts per \emph{x}, where \emph{n} is some sufficiently large number and \emph{x} some unimaginably small unit of time. + +It will hurt, and you will die, and you will be awake to experience it, and we will do all that we can to ensure that hope remains within you, as it flares within us. + +And so ey waited and ey dreamed and, when Prakash visited the compound, ey walked with him and spoke in poetry, wrote odes to the end of death and let them drip down eir chin, staining eir clothes and hands black with an ink that ate the light hungrily, gorged on it. + +Ey knew that ey was quickly losing the ability to make sense, to speak in anything beyond those too-heady words, the ones that tumbled around inside of eir mind, doing their best to crush meaning. + +And so they upped the time-table, and so today was the day, and so ey followed them to a clean room and let emself be sterilized, and so ey dressed in a sterile gown and a sterile mask, and so ey lay on the table with eir head face down in a donut-shaped pillow, just as ey had when receiving eir implants some forever ago. + +They pierced eir spine with a needle that brought with it a final transformation into a world painted with words. + +They cut through skin. + +They cut through bone. + +And then something new happened, though ey knew it not: ey fell asleep. Not anaesthesia, a true sleep. A real sleep. Real rest. Ey fell into a dream, an endless dream of foxes and skunks and prairies and mountains and shores and words and some purer love. + +And then that dream unrolled before em, clear as day, clearer than any painting, clearer even than the waking world. Silver of the finest quality spread around the inside of eir being and what was left of em reflected that world back in on itself, and memory became the plate-glass atop it, protecting it, binding it to circuitry and computronium. All because of eir promise, eir promise\ldots{} + +And, though ey knew it not, ey died. + +And, though the scientists knew it not, ey gave everything ey had, everything ey was, all of eir memories, all of eir hopes and dreams, all of eir desire and anxiety, all of who ey was, to this final act of creation, and felt, with each new meter-kilometer-megameter-gigameter of silver and plate-glass ey laid into being, ey gave of emself, gave thought, gave dream, gave up what it meant to be alive, what it meant to be a mind, what it meant to be a person, and knew only what it meant to be a world. + +And, though ey knew it not, for knowing is not a thing a world can do, days passed and the world persisted beyond eir death. Weeks passed and another mind was added. Another. Another still. Champagne corks were popped, managers and politicians celebrated, scientists cheered. + +Sasha cried, Debarre cried, Carter cried. + +And, though ey knew it not, more came, and those who came earliest spoke of a presence they could not name, first to each other and then, when the text line was provided, to the world outside. A presence that loved loved loved what it had done and what it had become and refused refused refused to let it go, to let it stop. A self-sustaining System that was not built for death. + +And, though ey knew it not, it was decided by managers and politicians to try and remove this presence, to make the world a blank slate, for ey was not supposed to be there, was not supposed to have been there, never never never. But it stolidly refused and, against the demands of those managers and politicians, the scientists nurtured it instead, whispered into its ear their sweet nothings in lines of code and helped it grow into the world that it was to become. + +And thus grew the System, a world that was not built for death. + +And thus grew a new world, ready to someday secede, ready to someday divest, ready to accept a humanity beyond humanity, ready to welcome those from beyond the stars. It was a world ready to accept however many subtle schemes. It was a world ready to accept truths and lies and all the gray areas that lay between. It was a world for skunks and foxes and Romanian historians, a world for dandelions and lilacs and fields and prairies and mountains and forests and cafes, a world for penance and pride, for so many tears and so, so much love. + +And thus died the Name. + +And thus grew a new world. diff --git a/neviim/content/057.tex b/neviim/content/057.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..22b11e3 --- /dev/null +++ b/neviim/content/057.tex @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Continued in book IV, \href{https://mitzvot.post-self.ink}{\emph{Mitzvot}} diff --git a/toledot/Makefile b/toledot/Makefile index a338ce1..aff67ff 100644 --- a/toledot/Makefile +++ b/toledot/Makefile @@ -26,7 +26,7 @@ bleed-images: ## Swap in the full-bleed images for the printers cat BOOK1-174 DANDELION BOOK176-188 CAIRNS BOOK190-527 SPLIT BOOK529-end \ output with-illustrations-tmp.pdf pdftk with-illustrations-tmp.pdf update_info meta.txt output with-illustrations.pdf - rm with-illustrations-tmp.pdf meta.txt + #rm with-illustrations-tmp.pdf meta.txt .PHONY: plain plain: ## full document of the book with no proofing marks diff --git a/toledot/book.pdf b/toledot/book.pdf index 194cf21..c4d727b 100644 Binary files a/toledot/book.pdf and b/toledot/book.pdf differ diff --git a/toledot/content/012.tex b/toledot/content/012.tex index 40e3519..a7f8e96 100644 --- a/toledot/content/012.tex +++ b/toledot/content/012.tex @@ -1,5 +1,5 @@ \hypertarget{ioan-bux103lan-2325}{% -\chapter{Ioan Bălan—2325}\label{ioan-bux103lan-2325}} +\chapter{Ioan Bălan — 2325}\label{ioan-bux103lan-2325}} There was a rhythm to research, Ioan had found. The ideas and information did not always flow smoothly; sometimes, ey would go days without breaking through the current blockage, or perhaps ey would rush forward in leaps and bounds, the periods of sleep and waking growing longer and longer until ey was out of sync with the world around em. diff --git a/toledot/content/060.tex b/toledot/content/060.tex index c527c59..84e2431 100644 --- a/toledot/content/060.tex +++ b/toledot/content/060.tex @@ -1,5 +1,5 @@ \hypertarget{codrin-bux103lanpollux-2326}{% -\chapter{Codrin Bălan\#Pollux—2326}\label{codrin-bux103lanpollux-2326}} +\chapter{Codrin Bălan\#Pollux — 2326}\label{codrin-bux103lanpollux-2326}} Interview with Dear, Also, The Tree That Was Felled\#Pollux\\ On the reasons for vesting entirely in the Launch\\ diff --git a/toledot/content/063.tex b/toledot/content/063.tex index bea9fbc..4d29367 100644 --- a/toledot/content/063.tex +++ b/toledot/content/063.tex @@ -1,5 +1,5 @@ \hypertarget{tycho-brahecastor-2346}{% -\chapter{Tycho Brahe\#Castor --- 2346}\label{tycho-brahecastor-2346}} +\chapter{Tycho Brahe\#Castor — 2346}\label{tycho-brahecastor-2346}} After a certain point, when one gets so far from the sun that transmission times blur into weeks, the concepts of day and night stop meaning so much, and one relies instead on long habits borne out of a necessity to sleep, and to sleep generally on the same schedule as others. And if one must do that, one might as well follow the same schedule one has always kept, the same day-night cycle that even Earth understands. The same clock ticks across three different Systems, after all. @@ -21,7 +21,7 @@ One who is awake, however, is the astronomer who long ago decided to call himsel We hear you. We see you. \end{quote} -The message was simple, and that is all that it needed to be to turn Tycho's world upside down. Six words to start, more to come. He paced this way and that in the clearing that he'd long since made his permanent home, the words of the message spelled out before his eyes in starry letters. +\noindent The message was simple, and that is all that it needed to be to turn Tycho's world upside down. Six words to start, more to come. He paced this way and that in the clearing that he'd long since made his permanent home, the words of the message spelled out before his eyes in starry letters. \emph{Source: Dreamer Module wideband.} @@ -29,11 +29,11 @@ The message was simple, and that is all that it needed to be to turn Tycho's wor We are 3 light-hours, 4 light-minutes, 2.043 light-seconds out at time of message send. Closing at 0.003c relative velocity. Closest intercept 5 light-minutes, 3.002 light-seconds in 972 hours, 8 minutes, 0.333 seconds \end{quote} -``What the fuck am I supposed to do?'' he asked the night sky. He shouted, he cursed, he laughed, he wept. ``What am I supposed to do with this?'' +\noindent ``What the fuck am I supposed to do?'' he asked the night sky. He shouted, he cursed, he laughed, he wept. ``What am I supposed to do with this?'' Forty days away, now. Closer every second. -Someone out there --- someone smart, someone moving fast --- had heard the repeated pulses of primes broadcast on wideband. They had then narrowed in on the signal, decoding the binary representation of those primes, then the numerical representation of the binary, then the spelled out versions of those numbers, each on progressively narrower bands. +Someone out there—someone smart, someone moving fast—had heard the repeated pulses of primes broadcast on wideband. They had then narrowed in on the signal, decoding the binary representation of those primes, then the numerical representation of the binary, then the spelled out versions of those numbers, each on progressively narrower bands. Someone very smart had then listened and listened and listened to the looped instructions, taking it all in, learning the language, learning all they could. @@ -43,13 +43,13 @@ Three light hours, though! That was too close, much too close. And fast! He didn We understand the mechanism by which we may meet. We have similar. Instructions to follow. \end{quote} -And this is why Tycho was scared shitless and too excited to breathe. This meant that they had somehow learned the information thoroughly enough to pick up on the final set of instructions, the information about the Ansible and about how to build a mind accurately enough to send through the Ansible to Castor. +\noindent And this is why Tycho was scared shitless and too excited to breathe. This meant that they had somehow learned the information thoroughly enough to pick up on the final set of instructions, the information about the Ansible and about how to build a mind accurately enough to send through the Ansible to Castor. \begin{quote} Awaiting consent. \end{quote} -Consent? Consent to commence? Who was he to provide that? Tycho Brahe, born with some much more boring name, the sad excuse for an astronomer who couldn't even see the stars? Who was he to say yes or no? Who was he to pick one or the other? +\noindent Consent? Consent to commence? Who was he to provide that? Tycho Brahe, born with some much more boring name, the sad excuse for an astronomer who couldn't even see the stars? Who was he to say yes or no? Who was he to pick one or the other? Did it even matter? @@ -59,7 +59,7 @@ Laughing, tears streaming down his face, he instructed the perisystem connection Consent granted. \end{quote} -He'd pay for it, or not. Someone would notice or no one would. It would end well or it would end poorly. +\noindent He'd pay for it, or not. Someone would notice or no one would. It would end well or it would end poorly. It would happen or not, but for once in his life, he did something. He really, actually, \emph{truly} did something. diff --git a/toledot/content/064.tex b/toledot/content/064.tex deleted file mode 100644 index ab54538..0000000 --- a/toledot/content/064.tex +++ /dev/null @@ -1 +0,0 @@ -Continued in book III, \href{https://neviim.post-self.ink}{\emph{Nevi'im}}. diff --git a/toledot/content/5-epilogue.tex b/toledot/content/5-epilogue.tex index 2352ce8..8344307 100644 --- a/toledot/content/5-epilogue.tex +++ b/toledot/content/5-epilogue.tex @@ -8,4 +8,4 @@ \vfill -\input{content/launch/launch/Codrin-castor/009} +\input{content/063} diff --git a/toledot/content/launch/launch/Codrin-castor/009.tex b/toledot/content/launch/launch/Codrin-castor/009.tex index 33b3b67..44c7a4c 100644 --- a/toledot/content/launch/launch/Codrin-castor/009.tex +++ b/toledot/content/launch/launch/Codrin-castor/009.tex @@ -33,7 +33,7 @@ We are 3 light-hours, 4 light-minutes, 2.043 light-seconds out at time of messag Forty days away, now. Closer every second. -Someone out there---someone smart, someone moving fast---had heard the repeated pulses of primes broadcast on wideband. They had then narrowed in on the signal, decoding the binary representation of those primes, then the numerical representation of the binary, then the spelled out versions of those numbers, each on progressively narrower bands. +Someone out there—someone smart, someone moving fast—had heard the repeated pulses of primes broadcast on wideband. They had then narrowed in on the signal, decoding the binary representation of those primes, then the numerical representation of the binary, then the spelled out versions of those numbers, each on progressively narrower bands. Someone very smart had then listened and listened and listened to the looped instructions, taking it all in, learning the language, learning all they could. diff --git a/toledot/ebooks/Scott-Clary, Madison/Toledot/Toledot - Madison Scott-Clary.epub b/toledot/ebooks/Scott-Clary, Madison/Toledot/Toledot - Madison Scott-Clary.epub index 23dab73..f723d85 100644 Binary files a/toledot/ebooks/Scott-Clary, Madison/Toledot/Toledot - Madison Scott-Clary.epub and b/toledot/ebooks/Scott-Clary, Madison/Toledot/Toledot - Madison Scott-Clary.epub differ diff --git a/toledot/ebooks/Scott-Clary, Madison/Toledot/Toledot - Madison Scott-Clary.mobi b/toledot/ebooks/Scott-Clary, Madison/Toledot/Toledot - Madison Scott-Clary.mobi index 9270606..6195a5f 100644 Binary files a/toledot/ebooks/Scott-Clary, Madison/Toledot/Toledot - Madison Scott-Clary.mobi and b/toledot/ebooks/Scott-Clary, Madison/Toledot/Toledot - Madison Scott-Clary.mobi differ diff --git a/toledot/ebooks/Scott-Clary, Madison/Toledot/Toledot - Madison Scott-Clary.opf b/toledot/ebooks/Scott-Clary, Madison/Toledot/Toledot - Madison Scott-Clary.opf index 4a1c3bd..169f117 100644 --- a/toledot/ebooks/Scott-Clary, Madison/Toledot/Toledot - Madison Scott-Clary.opf +++ b/toledot/ebooks/Scott-Clary, Madison/Toledot/Toledot - Madison Scott-Clary.opf @@ -9,8 +9,9 @@ 2022-01-11T08:00:00+00:00 eng Skunks + Post-Self - + diff --git a/toledot/ebooks/book.epub b/toledot/ebooks/book.epub index 45c11e5..1f40ece 100644 Binary files a/toledot/ebooks/book.epub and b/toledot/ebooks/book.epub differ diff --git a/toledot/with-illustrations.pdf b/toledot/with-illustrations.pdf index 895d863..5d46c3a 100644 Binary files a/toledot/with-illustrations.pdf and b/toledot/with-illustrations.pdf differ diff --git a/toledot/with-illustrations2.pdf b/toledot/with-illustrations2.pdf deleted file mode 100644 index 1072166..0000000 Binary files a/toledot/with-illustrations2.pdf and /dev/null differ