Edits, finished majority of Idumea

marsh/content/008.tex

@@ -2,17 +2,17 @@ We sat around the table, saying nothing, each doubtless lost in our own thoughts
 
 We arrived back in Marsh's study quickly enough, finding it far more full than when we had left. The initial offer of dinner was well received, but the longer we talked about it, the more that seemed to cool.
 
-Lily, of course, had stepped away almost immediately after we'd arrived. Although she appeared to have made the decision to reconcile with Dry Grass, that didn't mean that it'd be easy for her. She still had her anger, her resentment for what she felt that the Odists had done in their shaping of the System and its history, their role in Marsh uploading in the first place, and for that, I could hardly fault her. I'd had my own share of feelings over the years that had lingered, that I had bathed in helplessly, struggling to escape the odd comforts of depression or angst or anger. I could hardly expect her to climb free immediately.
+Lily, of course, refused almost immediately. Although she appeared to have made the decision to reconcile with Dry Grass, that didn't mean that it'd be easy for her. She still had her anger, her resentment for what she felt that the Odists had done in their shaping of the System and its history, their role in Marsh uploading in the first place, and for that, I could hardly fault her. I'd had my own share of feelings over the years that had lingered, that I had bathed in helplessly, struggling to escape the odd comforts of depression or angst or anger. I could hardly expect her to climb free immediately.
 
-``I do not blame her, either,'' Dry Grass had said shortly after she stepped away and I voiced these thoughts. ``It is not comfortable, to be clear. I do not like that she hates me. My role — the role of my whole stanza — is to revel in feelings of motherhood. I saw myself as mother to the System on a very real, very mechanical level, back when I was working as a systech. To have a citizen of the very System I love hate me is perilously close to having a child hate me. Everyone wants to be liked.''
+``I do not blame her, either,'' Dry Grass had said when I voiced these thoughts. ``It is not comfortable, to be clear. I do not like that she hates me. My role --- the role of my whole stanza --- is to revel in feelings of motherhood. I saw myself as mother to the System on a very real, very mechanical level, back when I was working as a systech. To have a citizen of the very System I love hate me is perilously close to having a child hate me. Everyone wants to be liked.''
 
 Sedge had was the next to turn down the invitation.
 
 ``I'm feeling stretched really thin, all of that research over the last few days. I love it, don't get me wrong, I just can't think anymore,'' she'd said, shoulders slumping. ``My brain has turned to mush and I just kinda want to find a really dark sim and stare at nothing.''
 
-Rush, initially quite interested in a communal meal, bailed not long after, saying that ve was too sleepy, that the night was coming on too quickly, it felt, with so much new information coming at ver too quickly.
+Rush, initially quite interested in a communal meal, bailed not long after, saying that ve was too sleepy, that the night was coming on too quickly, ve felt, with so much new information coming at ver too quickly.
 
-And finally, Hanne stepped away without warning. She sent me a sensorium message a minute later saying that she was meeting up with her friends, with Warmth In Fire leading a memorial for Shu. That was more important than dinner, and the prospect of forking of engaging with the mechanics of our world, felt fraught to her.
+And finally, Hanne refused. She sent me a sensorium message saying that she was still out with her friends, with Warmth In Fire leading a drunken memorial for Shu. That was more important than dinner, and the prospect of forking of engaging with the mechanics of our world felt fraught to her.
 
 So it was that Cress, Tule, Dry Grass, and I sat around a table, hotpot bubbling away in the center, in a nearly deserted restaurant. We said nothing, each doubtless lost in our own thoughts, as we dredged veggies and tofu, thin strips of fish and surimi, and thinly sliced lamb through the spicy broth, carefully fishing them back out after the scant few seconds it took for them to cook so that we could eat them atop bowls of rice.
 
@@ -46,7 +46,7 @@ Both my cocladists had a blank look on their face before Tule fell once more int
 
 ``Yeah. It was a confusing night, you merged down before I'd forked my new instance, then my spare instance quit,'' I said. I slouched down in my seat, feeling the heat rise to my cheeks as I watched both of my cocladists laugh while Dry Grass sat, smiling earnestly at me. I knew that smile well, knew it from nights and nights together, from Sunday brunches and afternoons lounging in the sun. I shook my head to clear it. ``You really want to talk about this now?''
 
-She nodded. ``I would like to talk about anything — \emph{literally} anything other than what we have been talking about for days — and I will never turn down the chance to talk about feelings.''
+She nodded. ``I would like to talk about anything --- \emph{literally} anything --- other than what we have been talking about for days, and I will never turn down the chance to talk about feelings.''
 
 ``It's not a bad idea, Reed,'' Cress said, still grinning. ``If you want to, I mean. I imagine it's gotta be weird as hell.''
 
@@ -54,17 +54,17 @@ She nodded. ``I would like to talk about anything — \emph{literally} anything
 
 ``Wait, so\ldots everything?''
 
-I shrugged. ``I left some of the merge to finish after I merged down, but then my up-tree quit and I was left with most of a merge already complete just so I merged the rest to have less weighing on me, you know?''
+I shrugged. ``My up-tree quit and I was left with a whole merge just sitting there so I merged the rest anyway to have less weighing on me, you know?''
 
 Dry Grass nodded. ``Pending memories get uncomfortable after a while, yes.''
 
-``Right, and I know we usually talk before I keep any memories, but there was so much going on and I had already merged most of the memories about your relationship.''
+``Right, and I know we usually talk before I keep any of those, but there was so much going on and I really didn't know what to do or think about what else to do in that moment.''
 
 ``Why, then, did you not choose to quit in favor of your up-tree? To let those memories go?''
 
 I looked down at my plate, nudging my skewers into a neat row. ``I don't know. Stress? All of that stuff started happening with Marsh and it felt more important to focus on that. I was the one who tried pinging them, right? It was very in my face, very immediate.''
 
-``So now you're left with our feelings,'' Cress said. The laughter had left its features, as had the embarrassment. ``You're left with our relationship.''
+``So now you're left with our feelings,'' Cress said. The laughter had left its features, but so had the embarrassment. ``You're left with our relationship.''
 
 I nodded.
 
@@ -80,7 +80,7 @@ She snorted, shook her head. ``Do you see the guff I must put up with, my dear?'
 
 ``Don't listen to her,'' Tule said. ``She's just being a dramagogue.''
 
-I laughed. ``I remember that, too,'' I said. ``And I guess that's sort of the problem. I remember what it is about you that drew Cress and Tule — or, at least what attracted Tule — and I'm as much a Marshan as they are, so here I am, feeling awkward about being around you because I remember those months of hyperfixation, and then the comfortable normal that you settled into afterwards.''
+I laughed. ``I remember that, too,'' I said. ``And I guess that's sort of the problem. I remember what it is about you that drew Cress and Tule --- or, at least what attracted Tule --- and I'm as much a Marshan as they are, so here I am, feeling awkward about being around you because I remember those months of hyperfixation, and then the comfortable normal that you settled into afterwards.''
 
 All three of them smiled, all three looked a bit bashful.
 
@@ -88,9 +88,9 @@ All three of them smiled, all three looked a bit bashful.
 
 Dry Grass gave a hint of a bow. ``We do try, I believe.'' She reached forward to the box of empty skewers and tapped it against the edge of the box, cycling through options until she wound up with another set of sliced lamb to drop into the bubbling broth before her. ``Are these memories of us, of Tule's relationship, clashing with your lived experience to date? And how about those of Sedge and Rush?''
 
-More food sounded good, if only for something for me to do, so I tapped through options until I came up with a skewer of fish cakes — Dry Grass having requested we skip my usual choice of thin-sliced pork for her own dietary restrictions — which I let slip into the bubbling pot. ``Since Sedge's merge-down fork incorporated Tule's memories wholesale, they weren't exactly tainted. And besides, they mostly tallied with what Sedge, Rush, and I know of you already.''
+More food sounded good, if only for something for me to do, so I tapped through options until I came up with a skewer of fish cakes --- Dry Grass having requested we skip my usual choices of thin-sliced pork or shrimp for her own dietary restrictions --- which I let slip into the bubbling pot. ``Since Sedge's merge-down fork incorporated Tule's memories wholesale, they weren't exactly tainted. And besides, they mostly tallied with what Sedge, Rush, and I know of you already.''
 
-``That does not quite answer my question,'' she said gently, lifting her skewer and nudging the slivers of chicken onto a bit of rice in her bowl. ``I am pleased to hear that there was no great clash up against what you know of us. What I would like to know, however, is how memories of being in a relationship with someone you already know are fitting in with your lived experience of \emph{not} being in one with them. We have met, yes? Attended the same dinner parties? We have seen each other here and there, chatted now and then. Throughout all of that, I have just been that weird old woman that lives with Cress, and then with Tule, and now some part of you remembers, I suppose, loving me.''
+``That does not quite answer my question,'' she said gently, lifting her skewer and nudging the slivers of meat onto a bit of rice in her bowl. ``I am pleased to hear that there was no great clash up against what you know of us. What I would like to know, however, is how memories of being in a relationship with someone you already know are fitting in with your lived experience of \emph{not} being in one with them. We have met, yes? Attended the same dinner parties? We have seen each other here and there, chatted now and then. Throughout all of that, I have just been that weird old woman that lives with Cress, and then with Tule, and now some part of you remembers, I suppose, loving me.''
 
 Following her lead, I pulled my own skewers and rested them on my bowl of rice. It was a good distraction, a moment for me to think as I nudged the fish cakes off of the skewer onto a bite of rice.
 
@@ -112,7 +112,7 @@ Tule looked aghast. Cress, laughing, shook its head. ``Oh my \emph{god,} Reed.''
 
 ``\emph{Love!}'' she echoed, laughing and leaning over to kiss his cheek. ``This is the future we have found ourselves in, and it is a future entire, not some clean story stripped of references to gross anatomy and base desires. Reed, please continue.''
 
-The exchange had led to a flush of embarrassment of my own. I had been talking about emotions when I said ``all that goes with that'', but I suspected that Dry Grass was right to bring the topic of sex up sooner rather than later. That she had done so so adroitly, with humor and not a shred of bashfulness about her, certainly helped to ease the humiliation that I felt brush past me. I was able to master it for the time being — or at least ignore the burning in my cheeks — in order to continue on.
+The exchange had led to a flush of embarrassment of my own. I had been talking about emotions when I said ``all that goes with that'', but I suspected that Dry Grass was right to bring the topic of sex up sooner rather than later. That she had done so so adroitly, with humor and not a shred of bashfulness about her, certainly helped to ease the humiliation that I felt brush past me. I was able to master it for the time being --- or at least ignore the burning in my cheeks --- in order to continue on.
 
 ``There's a part of me that remembers everything, but it still feels just like that: memories,'' I said. ``I could dredge up any one conversation, but none in particular stick out to me in the same way as a conversation that I'd experienced directly would. The memories are there, and I'll be reminded of them, but they're not at the forefront unless something happens to bring them up.''
 
@@ -122,7 +122,7 @@ Both Cress and Tule visibly relaxed. ``So it's not exactly something you're thin
 
 ``I suspect he might not be,'' Dry Grass said, speaking slowly with her curious gaze lingering on me, as though prepared to stop at the first sign of me jumping in. ``Except for the fact that we have been working together quite closely these last few days, yes? That is part of why we are here now, is it not?''
 
-I nodded. ``I guess so. If things were\ldots uh, more normal, then I guess there might be a strange moment or two at dinner parties, but we've been together more often than not the last few days, so it's\ldots I don't know. It's weird.''
+I nodded. ``I guess so. If things were\ldots uh, more normal, then I guess there might be a strange moment or two at dinner parties, I would've missed you for a while, but we've been together more often than not the last few days, so it's\ldots I don't know. It's weird.''
 
 ``I bet,'' Tule mumbled. He still looked flushed from the previous rush of embarrassment. ``I can't imagine what that must be like.''
 
@@ -152,13 +152,13 @@ Put like that, I really did have to sit and think for a moment. I poured myself
 
 I had lived two lives in parallel, Tule's and mine, and so I let that parallel continue into the future in my own imaginings. One Reed slipped almost effortlessly into a relationship alongside his cocladists, one woman acting as the pivot for our three lives. That Reed sat Hanne down to dredge up the topic of polyamory, untouched these last few years, to discuss this new relationship. That Reed forked to share time where it was required. That Reed grew ever closer to Cress and Tule in this shared orbit around Dry Grass, fell in step with however many others had found themselves mingling with the Ode clade over the more than three centuries they had been alive. However many had had conversations in their heads exactly like this.
 
-And the other Reed made the explicit decision to step back. It would have to be explicit, to; I wasn't sure I could ever keep such a thing from Dry Grass if I wanted, her whole personality seemed to be built around openness. That Reed simply\ldots slipped back into life as it had been. There would be a few awkward meetings here and there sure, but then those memories would fade into comfortable normalcy, as might any dream that sticks with one. Life with Hanne would continue as it was. Life with the clade would be as it had always been. And what would that matter to Dry Grass? She didn't have these memories, this internal strife.
+And the other Reed made the explicit decision to step back. It would have to be explicit, to; I wasn't sure I could ever keep such a thing from Dry Grass if I wanted, her whole personality seemed to be built around openness. That Reed simply\ldots slipped back into life as it had been. There would be a few awkward meetings here and there. Some part of me would still love her, but then those memories would fade into comfortable normalcy, as might any dream that sticks with one. Life with Hanne would continue as it was. Life with the clade would be as it had always been. And what would that matter to Dry Grass? She didn't have these memories, this internal strife.
 
 Dry Grass had truly left me two forks in the road of equal value. There was no `winning' or `losing', no better or worse. The only path that felt unequal was to continue trying to ignore these feelings. Not just unequal, it felt inaccessible to me. She'd forced the topic out into the open, for better or worse.
 
-Better, I suspect. She knew the clade well enough to read those signs of discomfort in my words — no great feat; ``I can even mostly ignore it'' sounded like an equivocation even to me — that she had nudged me toward some more complete understanding by talking it out.
+Better, I suspect. She knew the clade well enough to read those signs of discomfort in my words --- no great feat; ``I can even mostly ignore it'' sounded like an equivocation even to me --- that she had nudged me toward some more complete understanding by talking it out. She did so before anyone got hurt, too.
 
-I — that me who had his own memories and not Tule's — could certainly see what had drawn my cocladists to her.
+I --- that me who had his own memories and not Tule's --- could certainly see what had drawn my cocladists to her.
 
 Setting down my tea and reaching forward to snag the ladle in the broth alerted the others to my return to the present. I focused on the task at hand, filling my half-full rice bowl with broth before sitting back once more. ``Thanks for talking this through with me,'' I said. ``I think you're right, that it'd just be uncomfortable for me to keep trying to ignore it.''
 
@@ -177,5 +177,3 @@ I laughed.
 It laughed, holding up its hands. ``Alright, I wasn't going to say anything else, but fair enough.'' It turned to me, grinning. ``Just enjoy dinner with us, is all I'm saying.''
 
 ``I am,'' I replied. ``It's been too long since I've had hotpot.''
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