Marsh, Kaddish

kaddish/content/001.tex

@@ -1,6 +1,5 @@
 \hypertarget{systime-27841}{%
-\section*{systime 278+41 — \emph{Yom HaShichzur}\blfootnote{10 February, 2403}}\label{systime-27841}}
-
+\section*{systime 278+41\blfootnote{February 10, 2402 — Yom HaShichzur}}\label{systime-27841}}
 
 The itch on my palms is not a real itch, and yet all the same, it demands to be scratched. I can scrub my paws down over my front or rub them over my thighs and gain momentary relief, but it will always come back when tensions run high.
 
@@ -16,7 +15,7 @@ I explain to myself and to others that the entire reason that I exist is to outl
 
 No.
 
-I exist specifically to kill that version of What Right Have I. The whole reason that I \emph{am} What Right Have I of the Ode clade and no longer am I From Whence Do I Call Out is because Rav From Whence knew that at least some part of her, some \emph{version} of her should exist specifically to revel in unmasking.
+I exist specifically to kill that version of What Right Have I. The whole reason that I \emph{am} What Right Have I of the Ode clade and no longer am I From Whence Do I Call Out is because Rav From Whence knew that at least some part of her, some \emph{version} of her ought to exist specifically to revel in unmasking.
 
 We are a revelrous clade.
 
@@ -36,7 +35,7 @@ For the first 31 years of our life, we were that slightly strange but neverthele
 
 For the first 38 years of our life, we were still slightly strange and nevertheless still masked. It was not for another six years until the first line of my stanza, the third, forked my down-tree, Rav From Whence, and while ours was the stanza that returned to the Judaism of our childhood, she was the one who dove wholeheartedly into it. Here, though, is where we took a step back, masked yet more, for as Rav From Whence was forked to lean harder still, she too began to find a place of leadership for herself, and so she remasked, and masked again.
 
-For the first 44 years of our life, we were strange, and yet making it work. We --- Rav From Whence and the me who was not yet --- found a synagogue. We made it through school. We founded our \emph{own} synagogue. We soon lost track of what it meant to be strange.
+For the first 44 years of our life, we were strange, and yet making it work. We --- Rav From Whence and the me who was not yet --- found a synagogue. We made it through school, through \emph{semikha}. We founded our \emph{own} synagogue. We soon lost track of what it meant to be strange.
 
 That did not mean that we ceased having that strangeness within us. That did not mean that we ceased being autistic, nor even that we ceased talking about it. We just became something new. We became Rabbi From Whence. We became a visible, public representative of our clade, and we took that seriously.
 
@@ -44,37 +43,39 @@ That tension piled up, the tension between our new selves and our inherent stran
 
 And so, for the first 66 years of my life, of all that time as Michelle, as Oh But To Whom, as From Whence, I was strange, but merely strange. I was restrained, and not wholly, joyfully myself --- and this is not to say that my down-trees were not whole or did not experience joy, but I was not them.
 
-On systime 28, 2152 common era, 5912 of the Hebrew calendar, I became me, and I had the chance to grow into what I would eventually become.
+In systime 28, 2152 common era, 5912 of the Hebrew calendar, I became me, and I had the chance to grow into what I would eventually become.
 
 And that is, apparently, a fidgety, anxious mess who is doing her best not to scuttle off the stage and go hide under her desk in her office on a glorified dog bed. I am beyond strange, now, and beyond old. I am 316 years old, now, though I have only lived a bit less 315 of those. That is why we are here, yes? That is why I am standing on a stage, ancient and anxious and weird, yes?
 
 I am wandering.
 
-``--know that the Century Attack was a deliberate effort, it is easy for us to reach to parallels in the past.'' Rav From Whence is saying. ``Death on such a scale is hard to imagine, as is loss of such magnitude, but we must remember that, until one year ago today, never before had such recovery of life been accomplished. We mourn our 23 billion dead, we celebrate the 2.3 trillion who are still alive. What Right Have I?''
+``--know that the Century Attack was a deliberate effort, it is easy for us to reach to parallels in the past.'' Rav From Whence is saying. ``Death on such a scale is hard to imagine, as is loss of such magnitude, but we must remember that, until one year ago today, never before had such recovery of life been accomplished. We mourn our 23 billion dead, we celebrate the 2.3 trillion who are still alive. Rabbi What Right Have I?''
 
 I tug my tunic straight and step forward to stand beside Rav From Whence. Then tug my tunic straight again, scrub my paws down over my sides, and tug my tunic straight once more.
 
-It is worth mentioning that it is not the crowds that make me nervous. Yes, I have certainly never spoken to an audience of \emph{thousands} before , just as I have never had my words broadcast over AVEC so that those back phys-side can watch, can hear my stammering voice, but I do not feel fear of audiences, of public speaking.
+It is worth mentioning that it is not the crowds that make me nervous. Yes, I have certainly never spoken to an audience of \emph{thousands} before, not as I am now, just as I have never had my words broadcast over AVEC so that those back phys-side can watch, can hear my stammering voice, but I do not feel fear of audiences, of public speaking. I do not often accept the title of `rabbi' except in ceremonial contexts such as one, but it is a title well-earned regardless. I am comfortable with it here. I am comfortable on stage.
 
 Instead, I feel fear of myself, of so many intrusive thoughts.
 
-\emph{``Baruch atah, Adonai Eloheinu melekh haolam, sheg'molanu kol tov,''} I call out. I never stammer in Hebrew, and have never questioned why.
+\emph{``Baruch atah, Adonai Eloheinu, Melech ha'olam--''} I call out. I never stammer in Hebrew, and have never questioned why. \emph{``--shehecheyanu v'kiy'manu v'higiyanu laz'man hazeh.''}
 
-The response comes from only a quarter of the assembled --- a mumbled, \emph{``Amen. Mi sheg'malchem kol tov, hu yigmolchem kol tov. Selah,''} that I cannot help but sound out in my head in time --- but it is enough to show that I am not speaking solely to politicians and bureaucrats (or whatever passes for such, sys-side).
+The echo comes strongly from those on the stage and weakly from the audience --- a mumbled recitation of unfamiliar words set in the programs all were provided with --- but it is still enough to show that I am not speaking solely to politicians and bureaucrats (or whatever passes for such, sys-side).
 
-``I\ldots{} ah, I am What Right Have I of the Ode clade, member of the committee dedicated to\ldots{} ah, to this occasion,'' I say, bowing toward the assembled. ``It is, as my down-tree says, one year since the recovery from the Century Attack and\ldots{} ah, and thus two years, one month, and eleven days since each and everyone of us died. We died!''
+It is a prayer for holy days, and I have worked so hard --- \emph{so} hard --- to make today one such day. It is my hope that it grabs the ear and brings the mind to bear on the idea it expresses: blessed is the Divine who kept us, sustained us, brought us to this season\ldots{}
+
+``I\ldots ah, I am What Right Have I of the Ode clade, member of the committee dedicated to\ldots ah, to this occasion,'' I say, bowing toward the assembled. ``It is, as my down-tree says, one year since the recovery from the Century Attack and\ldots ah, and thus two years, one month, and eleven days since each and everyone of us died. We died!''
 
 Silence, just as planned. I stifle a tic to keep that silence silent.
 
-``To the last, everyone present here-- ah, that is, everyone present sys-side, spent one year, one month, and eleven days in some hidden \emph{Sheol}. We were\ldots{} ah, I mean, to phys-side, we were your memories only, just as the dead have been since the beginning of memory. We missed our own Yahrzeit, yes? We slept in death, yes? We were late to the party?'' I shrug, wry smile on my face. ``We are\ldots{} ah, we are not sorry. We were dead at the time.''
+``To the last, everyone present here-- ah, that is, everyone present sys-side, spent one year, one month, and eleven days in some hidden \emph{Sheol}. We were\ldots ah, I mean, to phys-side, we were your memories only, just as the dead have been since the beginning of memory. We missed our own Yahrzeit, yes? We slept in death, yes? We were late to the party?'' I shrug, wry smile on my face. ``We are\ldots ah, we are not sorry. We were dead at the time.''
 
 Chuckles, just as planned. Give an ex-theatre teacher a stage, and you will get gallows humor.
 
-``We debated celebrating our own Yahrzeit as an intentional holiday, and\ldots{} mm, well, and perhaps some of us do, yes? Perhaps on New Year's Eve, we recited our own \emph{Kaddish.} I did not. I argued from\ldots{} ah, from the beginning, that we hold instead \emph{this} day in our hearts. This is a day worth celebrating. This is the day we lived again. This is the day that we --- that the committee on\ldots{} ah, on the Century Attack at the New Reform Association of Synagogues --- have decided to dedicate our energy to. It is my honor to announce that\ldots{}''
+``We debated celebrating our own Yahrzeit as an intentional holiday, and\ldots mm, well, and perhaps some of us do, yes? Perhaps on New Year's Eve, we recited our own \emph{Kaddish.} I did not. I argued from\ldots ah, from the beginning, that we hold instead \emph{this} day in our hearts. This is a day worth celebrating. This is the day we lived again. This is the day that we --- that the committee on\ldots ah, on the Century Attack at the Association of New Reform Congregations --- have decided to dedicate our energy to. It is my honor to announce that\ldots{}''
 
 I turn to face west and, with timing on my side, need wait only some few seconds before the final sliver of the sun slides below the horizon.
 
-``It is my honor to announce\ldots{} ah, to announce that it is now \emph{Yom HaShichzur.} Today is the day of our restoration and\ldots{} ah, and the first celebration of our return to life. May we take this day every year, the 41st day, February tenth, to\ldots{} ah, that is, to not fast, but feast, to rejoice with each other that we are \emph{here,} that despite the wills of others who would have otherwise, we are \emph{still here.}'' I bow once more and gesture at the open space before the stage, cueing the oneirotects standing to the side to dream up the banquet that will be our first such feast. \emph{``Chag sameach.''}
+``It is my honor to announce\ldots ah, to announce that it is now \emph{Yom HaShichzur.} Today is the day of our restoration and\ldots ah, and the first celebration of our return to life. May we take this day every year, the 41st day, February tenth, to\ldots ah, that is, to not fast, but feast, to rejoice with each other that we are \emph{here,} that despite the wills of others who would have otherwise, we are \emph{still here.}'' I bow once more and gesture at the open space before the stage, cuing the oneirotects standing to the side to dream up the banquet that will be our first such feast. \emph{``Chag sameach.''}
 
 And now, I am free. I linger a polite five seconds on the stage before turning and stepping down the stairs, carefully making sure that I walk unhurried, to pad back to the synagogue, to my office, to comfort and softness and the dark beneath my desk.
 
@@ -84,7 +85,7 @@ The synagogue itself is a relatively small building built into the side of a hil
 
 It is a place that has become my home in so many ways, for yes, that is where my congregation meets, and yes, that is where my office is, but, like those newly-uploaded, it is also where I live. I have taken up permanent residence in a room beside my office. It is cozy and small, and consists of little else beyond a beanbag for reading on and a bed for sleeping on, but it is mine in what I feel is a very \emph{me} way.
 
-There are ways in which this whole sim feels like mine. Yes, I have had my paw in designing portions of it, of making suggestions or nudging those who have worked on it toward changes. Yes, I work here, both in my studies and in the occasional volunteer work, bettering by hand what I know how. Yes, I have stuffed myself into committee after committee, arguing and agreeing on matters of \emph{tikkun olam,} that we might give back, repay and repair.
+There are ways in which this whole sim feels like mine. Yes, I have had my paw in designing portions of it, of making suggestions or nudging those who have worked on it toward changes. Yes, I work here, both in my studies and in volunteer work, bettering by hand what I know how. Yes, I have stuffed myself into committee after committee, arguing and agreeing on matters of \emph{tikkun olam,} that we might give back, repay and repair.
 
 But also, I feel that I inhabit this space. I have imbued it with little bits of What Right Have I, from the tangible bits of shed fur, those skunk pixels that linger here and there, to the intangible fact that I have simply been a part of this community for centuries now.
 
@@ -94,40 +95,40 @@ I squeak and skip a step to the side, tail bristling, before forcing myself to c
 
 She smiles, nodding her acknowledgement. ``What Right Have I, do you have a moment more to talk? I have a request for you before you head back.'' She lifts a plate heaped with some known favorite foods of mine. ``Plus, I brought you some to take back with you.''
 
-It takes a few seconds for the request and the offer to click into place for me, and I realize I have been blinking dumbly at her for that time. I smile hesitantly in turn and accept the food. ``I\ldots{} ah, \emph{todah rabah.}'' I murmur. ``What is it you wanted to ask?''
+It takes a few seconds for the request and the offer to click into place for me, and I realize I have been blinking dumbly at her for that time. I smile hesitantly in turn and accept the food. ``I\ldots ah, thank you.'' I murmur. ``What is it you wanted to ask?''
 
-She nods, gathers her thoughts, and then stands straighter to speak. ``I would like you to reach out to some clades, both within the congregation as well as others within our clade, to get a better sense of our life a year later. I have a longer document written out about this to give you something in writing, but I wanted to get a sense of your feelings on the idea first.''
+She nods, gathers her thoughts, and then stands straighter to speak. ``I would like you to reach out to some clades, both within the congregation as well as others within our social circle, to get a better sense of our life a year later. I have a longer document written out about this to give you something in writing, but I wanted to get a sense of your feelings on the idea first.''
 
-My gaze drifts away, down to the plate of food in my paws, to the vegetables fresh and cooked, to the fried apple fritters and savory potato dumplings. I pick out a stick of celery to crunch on, knowing that something like that will give me more time to think. I do not chew prettily by some standards, but such was never the point, in my life. It comes with having a muzzle that borders on transgressively realistic. I chew noisily and, at times, quite messily.
+My gaze drifts away, down to the plate of food in my paws, to the vegetables fresh and cooked, to the fried apple fritters and savory potato dumplings. I pick out a stick of celery to crunch on, knowing that something like that will give me more time to think. I do not chew prettily by some standards, but such was never the point, in my life. It comes with having a muzzle that borders on transgressively realistic. I lack the structure required for one to chew with their mouth shut, and so I chew noisily and, at times, quite messily.
 
 Let others cope.
 
-Once the bite is finished and a string of fiber from the celery nudged from between teeth, I sigh. ``This\ldots{} ah, this feels like a strange request to ask of me in particular, my dear.''
+Once the bite is finished and a string of fiber from the celery nudged from between teeth, I sigh. ``This\ldots ah, this feels like a strange request to ask of me in particular, my dear.''
 
 An eloquent shrug. ``I have given it thought and stand by my decision. It is not a requirement, of course. You need not say yes.''
 
-``Why me, then?'' I smile faintly, gesture down at myself. ``I am this, yes? I am\ldots{} ah, I am a bit of a disaster.''
+``Why me, then?'' I smile faintly, gesture down at myself. ``I am this, yes? I am\ldots ah, I am a bit of a disaster.''
 
 ``You work on rather a lot of committees related to this already.''
 
-``Yes, but in an advisory role. I\ldots{} ah, I am not normally one to talk to strangers, or even acquaintances, about these sorts of things.''
+``Yes, but in an advisory role. I am\ldots ah, I am not normally one to talk to strangers, or even acquaintances, about these sorts of things.''
 
 She chuckles. ``I know, What Right Have I. That is, in part, why I am asking you, though. You will be a new face to many, and it will break the context of how many more already view you. It will show them that you are part of this world, too.''
 
 I realize I am scowling and do my best to soften my features. ``I see.''
 
-``Consider it a part of your ongoing work with the committee,'' she says, gesturing back toward the celebration, now taking the form of a long line snaking away from the feast table. I am reminded of tails, and have to work to dismiss the thought. ``A part of this restoration is that it is an ongoing process. We should learn \emph{how} people are restoring. Repairing the world is a never-ending process.''
+``Consider it a part of your ongoing work with the committee,'' she says, gesturing back toward the celebration, now taking the form of a long line snaking away from the feast table. I am reminded of tails, and have to work to dismiss the thought. ``A part of this restoration is that it is an ongoing process. We should learn \emph{how} people are restoring. Repairing the world is a never-ending task.''
 
 I work harder to keep the scowl off my face, all the more so for how much I have expounded on such, have said \emph{mitzvot goreret mitzvot}, have written on the words of the fathers, ``You are not obligated to complete the work, but neither are you free to abandon it,'' and how they fit within sys-side life.
 
-And so I sigh. ``Very well, Rav. I\ldots{} mm, well, I still do not understand why it should be \emph{me} who does this, but\ldots{} ah, but I will do my best.''
+And so I sigh. ``Very well, Rav. I\ldots mm, well, I still do not understand why it should be \emph{me} who does this, but\ldots ah, but I will do my best.''
 
 She smiles most kindly and bows. ``Thank you, my dear,'' she says, then gives a shooing motion with both of her paws. ``Now, go. Eat. Spend some time restoring yourself, too.''
 
-I sigh, bow, and give my best thankful smile before padding in through the front door of the synagogue.
+I nod and give my best thankful smile before padding in through the front door of the synagogue to take the short way back home.
 
-From Whence is a past master at riding the line between condescending and genuinely kind, and even I know that the perceived condescension is a matter of tone, a matter of interpretation. It is easy for me to read in \emph{``Consider it part of your ongoing work with the committee,''} a sense of placation, of \emph{``Come now, What Right Have I, you know you should be doing this too.''} It is equally easy for me to see, however, that I am reaching a little for this, that I am finding ways to see how others are steering me as a parent steers a child.
+From Whence is a past master at riding the line between instructing and genuinely kind, and even I know that the perceived condescension of instruction is a matter of tone, a matter of interpretation. It is easy for me to read in \emph{``Consider it part of your ongoing work with the committee,''} a sense of placation, of \emph{``Come now, What Right Have I, you know you should be doing this too.''} It is equally easy for me to see, however, that I am reaching a little for this, that I am finding ways to see how others are steering me as a parent steers a child.
 
-And yet she still is so often genuinely kind. She knew well that, when I stepped so calmly away from the gathering, it was to head to my hidey hole where I might seek rest in comfort and quiet, and so with that plate of food and that gentle nudge to send me on my way, she absolved me of any guilt for doing so. She knew. She knew, so she smiled and gave me that permission.
+And yet she still is so often genuinely kind. She loves me, and I know this to be true. She loves me and I love her. She in this moment knew well that, when I stepped so calmly away from the gathering, it was to head to my hidey hole where I might seek rest in comfort and quiet, and so with that plate of food and that gentle nudge to send me on my way, she absolved me of any guilt for doing so. She knew. She knew, so she smiled and gave me that permission.
 
 Ah well.