37 lines
3.0 KiB
TeX
37 lines
3.0 KiB
TeX
\hypertarget{qoheleth-2305}{%
|
|
\chapter*{Qoheleth — 2305}\label{qoheleth-2305}}
|
|
|
|
It has been long enough that I am thinking of myself as Qoheleth now. All that slow washing-away of given names to replace with chosen ones. Something worth being methodical with. I have even begun introducing myself as Qoheleth whenever I go out, just to try it on for size.
|
|
|
|
That I have never actually done so is of little concern. It is ancillary to the problem at hand. Something I can tackle later, or at least tackle in thought. I can daydream about the name change. Just plan and plan and plan, like I have planned everything else.
|
|
|
|
I like the sound of it. I like the way it feels in my mouth when I say it out loud. I like the connotations of `teacher' and `gatherer' and `director of the assembled'. I want to feel the way that it feels to be someone different, and I have found at least a part of that in this name, the name that \emph{I} chose for \emph{myself}. Not some line of a poem I wish we would all forget. \emph{Could} all forget. I may not have yet taught or gathered yet, but I am working constantly to earn the moniker.
|
|
|
|
And `Hebel'. Hebel was another name I picked up. Vain, futile, mere breath.
|
|
|
|
Qoheleth's words, in the book written so very, very long ago, were all about hebel. ``This, too, is meaningless,'' Qoheleth had written after that long walk through life. Try pleasure. Try work. Try prayer. This, too, is meaningless.
|
|
|
|
That is not how I envision the name, though.
|
|
|
|
I think of the two names as signifiers rather than simple names. I think of the two moods that they bring. And I think most often of the two \emph{sources} of names. Not the book, not the time at which it was written. My two sources. Now.
|
|
|
|
Qoheleth was the name I gave myself out of hope. It is a name of goals and aspirations. It embodies the things that I want to do. It takes all of my plans and me, maker of plans, and binds them up neatly into a word. Ties a pretty bow to the top. A single word. A name and also a rejection of \emph{the} Name.
|
|
|
|
Hebel was the name I gave myself out of despair. It is a name of self deprecation and a way of reminding myself that, lofty as my goals may be, they are all vanity. Mere breath. Meaningless in the end.
|
|
|
|
Together, the names remind me that I am doing this for a reason. All of these resources, all of \emph{my} resources, those found objects and hand-me-downs accrued over the years, are being built up and strung together into a cohesive goal. A net. Less trap than source of safety. Something to catch. Something to rescue.
|
|
|
|
They, the resources, are all nothing. The reasons are all nothing. Vapor. Mere breath.
|
|
|
|
The whole plan is nothing except for the truth underlying it. Not to fear God, but to\ldots to something. To \emph{do} something. To \emph{be} something. To get the whole clade to see. My clade.
|
|
|
|
No, my \emph{old} clade. I am not of the Ode any longer.
|
|
|
|
I am Hebel Qoheleth now.
|
|
|
|
Hebel Qoheleth.
|
|
|
|
The old name is dead. I have followed it to the letter: I chose death as I must. As we all must.
|
|
|
|
I am Hebel Qoheleth.
|