# Ioan Bălan --- 2350

May arrived without any warning. She would usually ping either em or Douglas, giving them a few minutes to get out into the field and prepare for a pouncing.

This time, however, Ioan awoke before dawn to a small, furry form crawling into bed with em, whispering for em to scoot over. Some sleepy part of em remembered that Douglas had locked down the ACLs to all unannounced visitors shortly after ey'd arrived with the news.

All except May, apparently.

Ey shifted the pillow ey'd been hugging out of the way and held the covers up for her to squirm beneath them and fit herself comfortably against eir front, draping them back over them both as ey got eir arms around her. Ey was too tired to do anything other than mumble a quiet greeting, and she didn't seem all that keen on talking either, so they simply dozed with each other for another few hours.

With the sun warming the far wall of the room, they woke slowly, May squirming around enough to face em so that she could press her nose to eirs.

"Good morning, my dear."

"Morning, May. Surprised to see you here."

She shrugged, nosed her way down beneath eir chin. "I woke up early feeling well enough to come by, but did not want to wake you."

"Or wait?"

"I missed you, Ioan, why would I wait?"

Ey nudged at her snout with eir chin. "Well, I missed you too, so it works out. Just surprised to see you here so soon."

"I am not feeling spectacular, but I am feeling well enough to not be alone. Now does not feel like a good time to be alone." She leaned back enough to smile at em, and though it was a little shaky and her face was still a mess, ey was pleased to see that it was earnest. "Are you okay, though? I do not imagine it was the best of times for this to happen."

Remembering eir conversation with Sarah only two days back, ey checked the urge to refocus the conversation on her, instead saying, "It was a little rough, yeah. I got in touch with Sarah and set up an emergency thing a few hours after I got here."

"I am sorry, Ioan."

"Hush, it's not on you. Plus, I canceled the last one, so it was good to catch up with her about what's going on, if only in very general terms. I guess I just kind of overflowed a little, myself. Everything's been so stressful the last few weeks and I didn't feel like I could do anything about it."

"And did you come to any conclusions?"

"Not particularly, but you know how it goes," ey said. "Talked a bit about next steps, at least, about how I should probably make sure that I take care of myself, too."

She laughed. "Yes, you should."

They lay in silence for a few minutes, May simply relaxing in eir arms while ey tried to decide how much else to share from the impromptu appointment. 

*She's here and we have time, might as well,* ey thought

"We also talked about your thoughts on merging down. Don't want to overwhelm you, though, if you're not up for talking about that."

"I was going to bring it up later, myself. I have had further thoughts."

"Shall you go first, or I?"

"You, please."

Ey nodded. "Alright. It wound up being more about jealousy than anything, and what it was that I was actually feeling protective of when it came to the idea. Some of it is the fact that we've built a pretty good life together, and it took a lot of work. I'm not sure how I feel about her having the memories of that."

"End Waking said much the same, that he had put all his effort into his penance and that he would like her to come by that through her own work."

"Pretty similar, yeah. I'd be really happy for her if she built a life that included the happiness and comfort outside of work that we have, but a large part of me wants her to come by that honestly. The other bit that Sarah brought up was whether or not I was worried that her incorporating your memories of us together would lead to her feeling about me the way you do."

There was a long silence after that. Ey did eir best to quell eir impatience. With how much the topic had been weighing on em over the last few days, ey desperately wanted to hear her side of it, as well.

Finally, she said, "I have been thinking about that quite a bit since the topic came up, but only from my point of view. I did not think about how it might feel for you, for which I apologize."

Ey shook eir head. "You've had a lot going on. What thoughts did you have on it, though?"

"I have also been trying to pick apart my jealousy. I have said in the past that I am not opposed to you finding companionship with others, whether romantic or sexual or whatever. I am starting to think, though, that that would only apply to a type of companionship that does not overlap with what you and I have. I want nothing more than for you to feel fulfilled, my dear, and if that means finding fulfillment for the areas that I do not cover, I would only ever be pleased." She sighed, thought for a moment longer, and then continued more quietly, "For someone to feel about you precisely what I do, even if it is tempered by other memories, is too close to the devotion that I am most protective of."

"Have you changed your mind on merging?"

"I do not know, Ioan. I go back and forth on the issue and at the moment, rather more back than forth." She giggled, licked at eir chin, adding, "Or forth than back. The metaphor fails."

"You took that one a bit far, yeah," ey said, laughing. "But I think I'm too tired to talk about this much more. Did you have coffee before coming over?"

"I did not. If you make me a cup, I will love you forever."

Ey nudged her out of bed so that ey could get up as well, saying, "I thought you were going to do that anyway, but I guess a cup of coffee is a small price to pay."

Douglas had beaten them to the coffee pot, which made the process all the easier.

"Hey, May," he said, returning the offered hug and kissing her cheek. "Figured that was you this morning. Feeling better?"

She nodded and slumped down into a chair, cradling her coffee in both paws. "Mostly, yes. I am still below baseline, but it was more important that I see you two than to return all the way."

"Well, glad to see you made it through."

"You will not quit me so easily, Douglas Hadje, doctor of incredibly boring things. How are you, though? Has Ioan caught you up on everything?"

"I think so, yeah. Ey, Debarre, and End Waking did. Assassins, mergers, Jonas being terrible, Zacharias. Did I miss anything?"

She shook her head. "That is the whole of it, I think. We continue to be dramatic about everything we do."

He laughed. "I mean, not going to deny that, but I'm also going to put a large part of this on Jonas, rather than you all."

"Do you have any thoughts on it?"

"Besides the fact that you're all nuts?"

"Yes, well, that is indisputable. I would merge down with you if I could to give you a taste of it, but alas, it does not work that way."

Douglas lifted his cup in a toast. "For which I'm grateful. It sounds like a nightmare."

"Yes, yes. Such is the life of an Odist."

"Beyond that, though, I don't know, I don't want to lose any of you. I don't have the history with True Name that you guys do, so all I've just been thinking of her in terms of Michelle and Sasha."

"You've been talking to Debarre too much," Ioan said. "'Michelle and Sasha', I mean."

Douglas's face fell. "I never got to meet her, but from what everyone's said, it sounds like the split was pretty evident."

"It was," May said. "While I do not speak of her that way, Debarre is not wrong to do so."

"Why not?"

The skunk shrugged and lapped at her coffee. "Back when I was her, I did not think of myself that way. True Name did not think of herself that way. I know Hammered Silver does, and I am sure that others do as well. It is accurate, enough. Both can be true at once."

"I wonder what would happen if all of you were able to merge back down into one instance again," he mused. "Would that get close to being her?"

May fell silent, looking out the window at the fields over the rim of her mug.

"I do not know," she said eventually. Her voice sounded far away, older than Ioan had ever heard it sound before. "I wish I did, but I do not know."
