# Ioan Bălan --- 2350

The next few days passed in relative peace, with both Odists slowly leveling back out to their baseline moods.

Or, at least, May leveled out to her baseline mood. There still seemed to be some internal struggle within True Name. It wasn't that she was having to step away to sulk or getting caught in anger as she had been when she had begun to overflow, but that the conflicts were still showing in long silences that would sometimes take her in the middle of conversations, especially when the topic of meeting with Jonas came up.

"I am not even sure if it is conflicts at this point," she admitted when ey brought it up. "Or, well, I do not think it is conflicting memories any longer. Those have been integrated, by this point. I am experiencing conflicts in expectations. I feel doubled, as though there are two of me watching the same conversation and each would like to act in a different way."

"Are they not working together?" May asked.

True Name leaned back against the couch and stared out the picture windows into the yard for a few minutes as she thought. "Perhaps not, no," she said at last. "It is difficult to reconcile those two parts of me. They are arguing, in a way. Each is strident in their belief, and some higher part of me will occasionally get stuck trying to get them to just settle down and fucking agree on a course of action or the next sentence or whatever it may be."

Ioan nodded, saying, "Sort of like Michelle and Sasha?"

She shook her head. "No, not quite like that, thankfully. There are some similarities --- the sense of there being two parts of me, the internal split --- but it is lacking the dire nature, whatever it was that made her completely helpless before the duality of her self. It is still something that I have some visibility into. I can respond as True Name would or as End Waking would, but I am still just me, and I am learning to unify those natures. I will perhaps never be singular, but I will doubtless unify into a synthesis before long. Just not yet."

<!-- somewhere in here, talk about the fact that EW got in touch with her -->

May fiddled with eir sweater vest from where she lay against em. "I will admit that, for a while there, I was considering merging down with you before I saw how poorly End Waking's merge went." After the silence stretched out, she laughed nervously, adding, "Sorry, I suppose that is a pretty awkward thing to say."

"It is okay, May Then My Name," True Name said, smiling reassuringly. "A large part of me wishes that you had rather than End Waking, if I am honest. I understand why you did what you did, and I think on an intellectual level I agree with it, but on a personal level, I would much rather be integrating your memories than his."

She winced. "That bad?"

"Uncomfortable," the other skunk corrected. "I do wish perhaps that I had been able to fork or that I had been more cautious with the merge, but if I wanted to remain comfortable, I would have pushed back when you urged me to accept."

"What about May's merge would've been easier?" Ioan asked.

"Again, easier does not feel like the correct word. It would have been more comfortable. I would have understood the resentment that others feel for me, if that was indeed a goal, but it would not be the defining factor of the merge."

"End Waking has mentioned that he defined himself by not being you, yeah."

She nodded. "So I have learned. The self-loathing that falls out of that rests just this side of overwhelming at times. Perhaps that is why it is proving to be such a project to settle into something resembling a singular nature again. I imagine, given that May Then My Name has defined herself through something unique to her rather than some aspect of her relation to me, it would feel strange, but not so uncomfortable. Do correct me if I am wrong, though, my dear."

May shook her head.

"Well, besides," Ioan added. "She's certainly merged down way more recently than End Waking did."

True Name tilted her head.

"Ioan," May said quietly. "Do you remember when you were working on the *History* and I said that I was worried that you would be upset with me?"

Ey frowned, nodded.

"And do you remember how Dear told Codrin that the temptation to lie would be great?"

"What did you say to em, May Then My Name?"

May sighed and brushed her paws up over her head. "I said that I was working as launch coordinator to remain more in line with your expectations so that I could merge back down after the project was over, that we tried to do so every few decades."

A silence stretched out once more.

Eventually, Ioan reached up to tug at one of her ears gently. "Skunks are so complicated."

She let out a pent up breath as a laugh. "I know. I am sorry. I am sorry to both of you. I believed it to be a small untruth. I wanted my relationship with True Name to seem simpler than it was to keep you feeling comfortable. I hoped that that would keep you from digging into my past. Fat load of good that did."

"When was the last time you merged down, then?"

"2155," True Name said. "Longer ago than the last time End Waking merged down. It was not acrimonious, she simply declined my next request for a merger and the conversation never came up again."

Ey laughed. "Really, *really* complicated."

"I am glad you are not angry, my dear," May said, leaning up to dot her nose against eir cheek.

"It seems more silly than anything, but I can see your reasons for doing so, in retrospect. Certainly silly in comparison to the last few weeks."

"Very." May turned her gaze back to True Name and said, "I have my apprehensions about merging, though. *We* have our apprehensions, I mean. After watching what happened with End Waking's merge, it all felt so much more complicated."

"I do not know," she said, voice distant. "I said that I understand your reasons for what you did. You wanted me to change, you said, to be other than I am. You want me to be able to approach Jonas in some new way that will hopefully allow me to come out the other side with fewer assassins on my tail, yes?"

May nodded.

"And I also think I understand your reasons for wanting to merge down. It would make me understand your relationship to me in a very real way, and would make me all the more complete a person in your eyes, yes?"

Another nod.

"I am amenable to both of those, though perhaps my reasons differ. But, May Then My Name, coming at this with both full knowledge and as an open conversation has me feeling more positive than perhaps you do," she said, voice having lost its thoughtful edge. "You are a fundamentally good person and that is not something that I take lightly. You work on such a small scale and I have spoken against that in the past, but...well, a threat on one's life is a pretty good way to make one realize that the small scale is still important."

"But Ioan and I--"

"I would have full knowledge of your apprehensions as well, would I not?" She held up her paws, smiling. "I am not trying to talk you into it, my dear, and I would still like to hear those apprehensions regardless, I am simply explaining that, given this shitty fucking month, you merging down does not at all sound bad. I am already not what I was. There is no going and there is no back."

Ioan realized ey'd settled back into observing mode, simply watching silently. Not what ey was supposed to be working on. Ey shook emself back to the present and said, "My apprehensions mostly boil down to the fact that the merge would include May and I's entire relationship. The memories are one thing, and there are some that are pretty intensely personal, but I worry you'd also risk winding up with the feelings that resulted from the formation of those memories."

True Name nodded.

Ey took a deep breath, trying to bolster eir courage with it. "This last month has made me realize how much I care about you and your well-being. I like you, True Name, but I'm really hesitant about you having memories of loving me, if that makes sense."

"And you, May Then My Name? We do not need to go too far into them, but if it is to be a discussion, I would like to at least have these thoughts laid out for perusal."

She was a long time in responding. "I am with Ioan on this, in that I am protective of my devotion to em. It...is difficult to say this so openly, but I am also coming to terms with just how complex my feelings about you are after the events of the last month, and the root of resentment that led to me urging End Waking's merge on you is no longer there, or at least no longer quite so simple. It is no longer aimless hatred, however justified it may have felt. I will ever be myself, so I am uncomfortable pushing yet more resentment and difficulties on you. I do not want to hurt you."

The longer May spoke, the more thoughtful True Name's expression became. She slouched down on the couch, until her head was resting against the back cushions. "I am not sure what to say to this just yet."

"We've been thinking about it for days. You've had, what, twenty minutes?"

She laughed and nodded to em. "Yes, of course. There is much to think about."
