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# Debarre --- 2350
# Ioan Bălan --- 2350
When Debarre received the ping from End Waking, he quickly excused himself from dinner and dashed out into the back yard to respond. The last time he'd received a message in the middle of a period of overflowing, it had been when the skunk's leg had been impaled on a branch, so he hoped against hope that it wasn't the entire tent washing away in a flood this time. It was getting on in spring --- still a bit early for floods, but one never knew...
Ioan could have sworn that ey and May had gotten enough sleep the night before. Even with her waking em up before dawn, they'd then gone on to sleep until nearly nine. Rather late for them.
"E.W.?" he said. "What's up? You okay? Is the tent?"
Still, that night, they slept for more than ten hours. It had taken May a while to calm down by the time they did make it into bed, the skunk tossing and turning, first leaning in against em, then shifting away, as though the last bits of her overflowing spell kept her oscillating between wanting to be touched and not. Ey stayed quiet and still throughout, letting her decide what it was that she needed; ey was just happy to be back home.
"The tent is fine, my dear," he replied. "I apologize if I interrupted, but I have some news regarding May Then My Name, Ioan, and True Name, and you requested that I message you. Besides, I need to speak about it with someone other than them. Someone not an Odist."
Eventually, though, they settled down into their usual spots and made it to sleep.
He frowned down to the lawn, kicking at a tuft of crabgrass. "Well, if you're getting in touch, I'm assuming it's urgent."
It was almost certainly the stress from the day before, ey reasoned. So much had happened in so short a time. Even the time spent relaxing on the beanbag with May felt at least productive, even if it was just resting. So much had been packed into those last few hours, though, and so much emotion overall through the day, that sleep became an imperative.
There was a sense of a sigh from the other end. "I am sorry, Debarre."
True Name had spent most of the rest of the evening outside, dragging one of eir chairs from beneath the balcony to park herself in the yard. Despite the lingering vestiges of snow and the chill of the evening, she spent hours out there, either staring up into the sky or grooming bits of forest litter out of her fur.
"Fuck, I'm sorry, E.W. That came out way snarkier than intended. I understand. I only meant to ask if it was the type of thing where I should fork and come by right away."
Ey imagined that she must have made it into bed at some point, though she still woke well before them, as when they finally managed to pry themselves out of bed, there were two steaming coffee mugs sitting on the edge of the kitchen counter, one black and one sweet and creamy, and the skunk was once more sitting outside on the chair, tail wrapped around her feet and coffee held against her chest.
"Please," End Waking said, sounding relieved. "There is nothing to be done, but I am very impatient to speak with someone."
Ioan sent her a gentle sensorium ping, just to let her know that they were awake, then sat at eir desk. Ey had no clue where to even begin, but if nothing else, ey had to have something comforting in front of em, something known.
"You? Impatient?" Debarre laughed. "I'll be right over."
"Well, nothing for it," ey mumbled, swiped a new notebook into being, and began to compile notes from the last few weeks. The work ey'd already done on the topic was useful enough, but it was starting to feel like it was not directed enough in the face of all that had happened.
He forked off Debarre#RelEW and watched him step from the sim, then spent another few seconds looking out into the yard, trying to remember the last time anything had been so important that it had required him leaving immediately. Something other than a tree falling on his boyfriend, that is.
Ey began with a timeline, starting all the way back at the arrival of the Artemisians and that first meeting with True Name, then followed with a list of the times they'd met for coffee through the years. Ey dug through eir memories for any that stood out as particularly interesting. These were primarily early on, ey found, when they were still feeling out each others' boundaries, though the last few before the assassination attempt held some fascinating insights in the context of all that had happened since, as well.
"Well, shit," he muttered, turning to head back inside. "This is gonna be a mess."
There was also information to fill in on the master timeline for the *History*, as well. Information about Zacharias, about Jonas, about End Waking's divergence from True Name.
-----
Finally, the last almost three weeks were laid out in much finer detail. The assassination attempt, the clearing of the house, the meeting with End Waking, all the way up through the meeting with Zacharias the night before.
Debarre#RelEW was greeted by the sight of End Waking kneeling in the clearing across from May Then My Name.
"Ioaaan," May whined, pawing feebly at eir arm. "Hungryyy."
"Oh, company," he said, frowning. "Wasn't expecting two of you."
"Hmm? You're a big skunk, you can make breakfast."
"You messaged...wait, does that mean you are a fork?" May Then My Name said, frowning at End Waking.
She stood up from where she'd been crouched beside em, laughing. "It is well on lunchtime, my dear. Come up for air."
"It does, yes."
"Wait, really?" Ey frowned when ey checked the time. "Great. Sorry about that, May."
"I never knew you had it in you," she said, sounding proud. To Debarre, she said, "Did this asshole tell you why I am here?"
They pulled together the remaining few dishes of comfort food and called out to True Name to invite her in for a meal.
Ey chose the last of the poor skunk's risotto, added a healthy dusting of pepper, and got another cup of coffee to go with it.
He gave her a hug before sitting down with them. "He said it had something to do with you, Ioan, and True Name, and that he needed to talk to a non-Odist. That's why I was surprised."
"Thank you for lunch," True Name said, once she'd eaten most of her pasta. "When you have a moment, Ioan, I would like to see about expanding the sim as we discussed."
She grinned. "You will have your chance, my dear. I will not be here long. I needed to step out for a moment, and figured I would catch End Waking up. I am happy to see you as well, though."
"Right, yeah. Sorry I got so distracted this morning." Ey browsed the markets for appropriate wide-open spaces ey could tack onto one of the borders of eir sim. Perhaps right beneath the skunk's window would be best. Ey could even extend the balcony and provide her with a set of stairs down into the space. "Alright. What sort of environment? There's some pretty good plains and parks, an okay forest, hmm...this mountain one isn't bad, but the trees are kind of planted in a grid."
"Happy to see you too. You're always welcome over to my place, too."
She grinned. "That sounds cheesy. However, let us go with a plain of some sort. I do not want to go back to a forest unless it is the one I remember, and a park would be too sterile. Is there nothing like Arrowhead Lake? Something with water?"
"Of course, yes. This did involve End Waking, though, so alas, I could not go make you uncomfortable with my flirting."
Ey dug a little further, an act more akin to remembering than any actual physical browsing. It let em finish eir lunch, at least.
He shoved at the skunk, who giggled.
"Alright, here's one that's a plain with a river and an oxbow lake. The landscape is just mirrored at the boundaries though, so it looks a little funny beyond the edges."
"Well, okay. What's up? You finally merge down?"
The skunk had perked up at the mention of the river and was already nodding. "That will do quite nicely, my dear. Are you able to scale it so that it will be a good size, at least?"
She blinked, looking startled. "Yes, actually. How did you guess?"
"Sure. Do you want to set it up now?"
"Ioan mentioned it when we talked last. How'd it go? Did she explode?"
She shrugged. "If you are willing, yes."
"Not at all, no. Actually..." She shrugged, poking at the dirt with a twig. "Actually, I am finding myself rather fond of her, now."
"Can I modify your room to give you an entryway to the area?"
"Bullshit," he growled.
"Please," she said gratefully.
"Debarre," End Waking murmured.
The three of them stood and walked into her room. Ey was somewhat crestfallen to see that ey really had just mirrored the view out of her window, as there was the chair she had been sitting in before lunch. That would mean ey'd have to place the new plot of land first, then modify the house again.
May Then My Name waved a paw. "It is okay. You do not have to like her. You do not even have to interact with her. End Waking wanted you to know about some of the practical considerations, but neither of us are planning on swaying your opinion of her."
Ah well, easy enough.
He frowned and leaned back on his palms. "Sorry. I guess I'm just worried about you. She's not exactly known for her openness and honesty without ulterior motives, so."
Ey dumped a chunk of reputation into the purchase of the environment. Ey had plenty to spend and it wasn't very pricey, but it was still a noticeable ding, and ey was sure that Jonas would be keeping tabs on eir acquisitions. There was nothing to be done about it, though.
She smiled wanly. "No, she is not. A fact I have not forgotten. Needless to say, I merged down, and she is making plans to meet up with Jonas, now."
The environment landed on eir mind much as a pending merge might, demanding to be placed somewhere. Ey instructed the sim to put it in the corner formed by the fence of their yard and True Name's bedroom, expanded to be a mile on a side.
"That falls more in line with practical concerns," he conceded. "And Jonas still wants both of you there?"
Once the pressure of the environment left eir mind, ey was free to instruct the sim to let the window view the new land, and from there to add an extension of the balcony, a second stairway down, and a door leading out from her room to the balcony.
"As far as I know, yes," End Waking said. "I have spoken with True Name several times over the last few weeks and she has a plan of sorts. I do not know how successful it will be, but it is better than nothing."
Ey slid the door open, beckoning to the two skunks. "Alright, let's head out and check on it."
"Wait, *you've* been talking with her, too?"
As promised, they were greeted with what looked to be an endless series of perfectly parallel rivers fading into the distance with the way the boundaries simply mirrored the empty plain on the sides. The fact that the oxbow lakes were also repeated set up a grid effect that was slightly unnerving. Thankfully, the effect disappeared when they went down the steps and into the grass itself. They found the grass to be fairly well made and the ground to be delightfully uneven; no small feat when it was so easy to make a perfectly flat plane.
"Yes."
"I can maybe have the boundaries look like fog, if that helps. You'll have fog all the way around you, but at least no repeating rivers."
He shook his head. He could already feel his hackles up, and this wasn't helping. "Can't fucking believe it."
Both skunks straightened up, alarmed, then shook their heads as one.
May Then My Name frowned, leaned over to hug him around the shoulders, and whispered, "I am going to leave you to it, but first, remember who you were, who you are, and imagine who you will become. Let go, have fun, but above all, remember that you love him and that he loves you. Those are the rules of engagement."
"Please do not, Mx. Bălan. This will be fine as is."
After a moment's hesitation, he returned the hug. Had she said it in anything less than her most earnest voice, he might have scoffed, but as it was, he could see himself falling for the gentle manipulation as though from a meter above. He could resent her, but she had said exactly what it was that he needed to hear.
The formality in her voice and the stiffness of her tone did not invite em to continue the topic, so ey did eir best to drop it. "Alright. Well, I guess we can give this a go for a bit and make changes if we need. The weather and sun are synced across the whole sim, so if you need it warmer or drier, just let me know."
Because of course she had. She was May Then My Name Die With Me. She knew just how to. She was built to.
True Name bowed. "Thank you, Ioan. This will suit me quite well. It is a bit strange seeing a fence and part of a house, but at least that means I will be able to find my way back. May I have ACLs here?"
"You're such an asshole," he whispered back, then kissed her cheek to take any sting out of the words. "I'll do my best. Now, shoo."
Ey nodded and made the grant.
She laughed and licked at one of his whiskerpads. "Yes, yes."
"Thank you once more." She smiled faintly and gave a hint of another bow. "If you will excuse me, I would like to explore on my own. Perhaps we can catch up over dinner."
After she leaned over to pat End Waking on the knee, she stood up and stepped out of the sim.
"Sure thing."
Debarre rubbed his paws over his face. "Where's your root instance? Within an hour's walk?"
May, who had been quiet up until then, said, "Thank you for coming back."
End Waking nodded. "Up-river, yes. Would you like me to walk you there?"
True Name tilted her head. "It was not safe there, May Then My Name. This will be better."
He shook his head. "Give me some time to think. There's still some of me that's stuck on dinner parties, then another chunk on this whole thing, and another still on May telling me about these rules of engagement or whatever."
"Yes, but thank you all the same." She laughed and waved a paw. "I am sorry, disregard me. I am still not yet at baseline and it has me feeling emotional."
The skunk smiled faintly. "Twenty minutes' walk up-river, then. He will know that you are coming."
The other skunk's expression softened and she leaned forward to give one of her paws a squeeze. It looked stiff and forced, but it was at least an attempt at a gesture that was more in line with May's mode of interacting.
After End Waking quit, Debarre started to trudge up the faint trail that they'd already worn heading up along the river.
"I understand. I do not think I am there, yet, myself. I will see you at dinner, yes?"
He knew that May Then My Name was right, that he probably needed to at least take into account that if Sasha and Michelle could change enough to make the Odists, then surely True Name could change enough to become someone that even her up-tree instances could like, just as he knew that he probably shouldn't take that out on his boyfriend, frustrated as he was.
Ioan and May both nodded and made their goodbyes. As a last concession to giving the skunk privacy, ey made a small gate in the fence leading into their yard so that they wouldn't have to go through her room if they needed to go out into her plain for any reason. It meant pushing through lilac bushes, but ey figured it'd be rarely used.
Still, it was hard to square the image of End Waking and True Name meeting up voluntarily. What was it that he'd said when Ioan had come by asking after camping supplies? *"I need to be better to her than she might be to me"*?
"Can you work on the beanbag, Ioan?" May asked once they were back inside.
*Remember that you love him,* he thought, even as he trudged up the path. *Even if you're working to undermine all that shit that she's done with Jonas, at least you still love E.W.*
"Sure. Need some pets?"
The skunk was crouching at the edge of the stream, washing his paws after having apparently just finished gutting a trio of large trout.
She nodded.
"I understand if you are upset, Debarre," he said, keeping his gaze on his paws as he scrubbed rather than looking up to him.
Asking how she was feeling felt counter to simply providing what she'd requested --- something ey enjoyed plenty, as well --- so they made themselves comfortable on the amorphous cushion. It didn't seem to be time for talking at all, so they settled on soft music instead.
"No," Debarre said, sitting down next to him. "Or, well, I am, but it's whatever. I just don't see how something as stupid as May Then My Name merging down solves anything about this. Suddenly, you two are all buddy-buddy?"
Ey wasn't sure what May was doing, whether it was simply soaking up the affection and close proximity or some more thoughtful task. For eir part, though, ey went back to work on organizing events as they'd happened. Who knew what would come next.
End Waking shook his paws free of most of the water before drying them on the hem of his cloak. "We are not. I am pleased that she is no longer who she was, but she is not a friend. She is not me."
-----
<!-- maybe -->
"But you're visiting her!"
The next few days passed in relative peace, with both Odists slowly leveling back out to their baseline moods.
"On business, such as it is. May Then My Name has asked me over a few times." The skunk finally looked at him, gaze level and expression flat. "Did you not say that you would rather she not die?"
Or, at least, May leveled out to her baseline mood. There still seemed to be some internal struggle within True Name. It wasn't that she was having to step away to sulk or getting caught in anger as she had been when she had begun to overflow, but that the conflicts were still showing in long silences that would sometimes take her in the middle of conversations, especially when the topic of meeting with Jonas came up.
"Yeah, but that doesn't mean that you need to interact with her. I don't want her to get offed by some asshole politician, but I also don't particularly want her in my life."
"I am not even sure if it is conflicts at this point," she admitted when ey brought it up. "Or, well, I do not think it is conflicting memories any longer. Those have been integrated, by this point. I am experiencing conflicts in expectations. I feel doubled, as though there are two of me watching the same conversation and each would like to act in a different way."
End Waking shifted from his crouch to sitting cross-legged on a rock on the bank of the river. "I do understand that, yes. I do not particularly want her in mine, either, but I am now a part of hers, whether she likes it or not. I have been able to help her process some aspects of the merge and also tell her more of how I feel to her face. Once this is over, she will not need to be a part of my life any more if I so desire, and I can move on to defining myself through something other than penance."
"Are they not working together?" May asked.
Debarre scratched a claw through the dirt of the bank, worrying a pebble free so that he could throw it into the river while he thought. Finally, he nodded, saying, "Okay, I get that. What will you define yourself as, then? Like, don't get me wrong, I'm happy you aren't her, and in part specifically *because* you aren't her, but that's not the only reason I love you."
True Name leaned back against the couch and stared out the picture windows into the yard for a few minutes as she thought. "Perhaps not, no," she said at last. "It is difficult to reconcile those two parts of me. They are arguing, in a way. Each is strident in their belief, and some higher part of me will occasionally get stuck trying to get them to just settle down and fucking agree on a course of action or the next sentence or whatever it may be."
"I do not know, my love," he said after a long silence. "If I am defined by not being her, by not being what I was, then what is left? I cannot say my love for you, because all of the clade has that to some extent. I cannot even say that I have being an Odist, because, after all these years and with all of her changes over the last few months, I am not even sure that I am that."
Ioan nodded, saying, "Sort of like Michelle and Sasha?"
"You can be just End Waking," Debarre said gently. "Like, you can just drop the clade and be that nerd who lives in the woods."
She shook her head. "No, not quite like that, thankfully. There are some similarities --- the sense of there being two parts of me, the internal split --- but it is lacking the dire nature, whatever it was that made her completely helpless before the duality of her self. It is still something that I have some visibility into. I can respond as True Name would or as End Waking would, but I am still just me, and I am learning to unify those natures. I will perhaps never be singular, but I will doubtless unify into a synthesis before long. Just not yet."
The skunk laughed and elbowed him in the side. "We have rather turned our clade identity into idolatry of a sort, have we not?"
<!-- somewhere in here, talk about the fact that EW got in touch with her -->
"Don't get me wrong, I like where you came from, but I won't be pissed if you drop your clade signifier. Hell, maybe you can even start saying things like 'don't' and 'isn't'."
May fiddled with eir sweater vest from where she lay against em. "I will admit that, for a while there, I was considering merging down with you before I saw how poorly End Waking's merge went." After the silence stretched out, she laughed nervously, adding, "Sorry, I suppose that is a pretty awkward thing to say."
"Do not push your luck."
"It is okay, May Then My Name," True Name said, smiling reassuringly. "A large part of me wishes that you had rather than End Waking, if I am honest. I understand why you did what you did, and I think on an intellectual level I agree with it, but on a personal level, I would much rather be integrating your memories than his."
They laughed.
She winced. "That bad?"
"You don't have to have this sorted out, though." He shrugged, adding, "You don't even have to stop seeing True Name. I'm sorry I got angry there. I think I just got upset because any chance that you might start liking her felt like something of a betrayal."
"Uncomfortable," the other skunk corrected. "I do wish perhaps that I had been able to fork or that I had been more cautious with the merge, but if I wanted to remain comfortable, I would have pushed back when you urged me to accept."
"I am a ways off yet from liking her, Debarre. I will not say never, but I have gotten to the point where I tolerate her. I will not betray you, though. You or your reactionary friends or whatever she called them."
"What about May's merge would've been easier?" Ioan asked.
Debarre scrambled to his feet, eyes darting around through the trees. "What the fuck?"
"Again, easier does not feel like the correct word. It would have been more comfortable. I would have understood the resentment that others feel for me, if that was indeed a goal, but it would not be the defining factor of the merge."
"The sim is empty, my dear," the skunk said calmly. "I empty it every time someone enters."
"End Waking has mentioned that he defined himself by not being you, yeah."
"Yeah, but--"
She nodded. "So I have learned. The self-loathing that falls out of that rests just this side of overwhelming at times. Perhaps that is why it is proving to be such a project to settle into something resembling a singular nature again. I imagine, given that May Then My Name has defined herself through something unique to her rather than some aspect of her relation to me, it would feel strange, but not so uncomfortable. Do correct me if I am wrong, though, my dear."
"I think about you a lot, Debarre. Certainly more than anyone else I think about. I have pieced together enough."
May shook her head.
He growled. "Well, shit. I mean, I guess I'm an obvious enough choice for it."
"Well, besides," Ioan added. "She's certainly merged down way more recently than End Waking did."
"You are, yes, and doubtless the powers that be have been keeping their eye on you since the dissolution of the Council. I do not know the specifics, nor do I want to. As I said, I will not betray you." End Waking smiled wryly, adding, "And I do not think I am of much interest to any of them, anyway. I rarely leave, and I never enter a building when I do. I am more focused on my next meal than anything else."
True Name tilted her head.
"Skunks just wanna get fat."
"Ioan," May said quietly. "Do you remember when you were working on the *History* and I said that I was worried that you would be upset with me?"
End Waking grinned toothily. "It is not *not* true."
Ey frowned, nodded.
"Well, anyway. Fair enough. I don't imagine you'll be ratting us out, and you're right that they probably already know. I'm just glad that you've been sweeping the place."
"And do you remember how Dear told Codrin that the temptation to lie would be great?"
"I have never caught anyone hitchhiking on you, though I have on May Then My Name and Ioan." He shrugged, gathered up the line of fish. "But speaking of fat, can we go back to cook these? I am not ready for you to stay over, but I would like to eat dinner with you, if you are up for it."
"What did you say to em, May Then My Name?"
May sighed and brushed her paws up over her head. "I said that I was working as launch coordinator to remain more in line with your expectations so that I could merge back down after the project was over, that we tried to do so every few decades."
A silence stretched out once more.
Eventually, Ioan reached up to tug at one of her ears gently. "Skunks are so complicated."
She let out a pent up breath as a laugh. "I know. I am sorry. I am sorry to both of you. I believed it to be a small untruth. I wanted my relationship with True Name to seem simpler than it was to keep you feeling comfortable. I hoped that that would keep you from digging into my past. Fat load of good that did."
"When was the last time you merged down, then?"
"2155," True Name said. "Longer ago than the last time End Waking merged down. It was not acrimonious, she simply declined my next request for a merger and the conversation never came up again."
Ey laughed. "Really, *really* complicated."
"I am glad you are not angry, my dear," May said, leaning up to dot her nose against eir cheek.
"It seems more silly than anything, but I can see your reasons for doing so, in retrospect. Certainly silly in comparison to the last few weeks."
"Very." May turned her gaze back to True Name and said, "I have my apprehensions about merging, though. *We* have our apprehensions, I mean. After watching what happened with End Waking's merge, it all felt so much more complicated."
"I do not know," she said, voice distant. "I said that I understand your reasons for what you did. You wanted me to change, you said, to be other than I am. You want me to be able to approach Jonas in some new way that will hopefully allow me to come out the other side with fewer assassins on my tail, yes?"
May nodded.
"And I also think I understand your reasons for wanting to merge down. It would make me understand your relationship to me in a very real way, and would make me all the more complete a person in your eyes, yes?"
Another nod.
"I am amenable to both of those, though perhaps my reasons differ. But, May Then My Name, coming at this with both full knowledge and as an open conversation has me feeling more positive than perhaps you do," she said, voice having lost its thoughtful edge. "You are a fundamentally good person and that is not something that I take lightly. You work on such a small scale and I have spoken against that in the past, but...well, a threat on one's life is a pretty good way to make one realize that the small scale is still important."
"But Ioan and I--"
"I would have full knowledge of your apprehensions as well, would I not?" She held up her paws, smiling. "I am not trying to talk you into it, my dear, and I would still like to hear those apprehensions regardless, I am simply explaining that, given this shitty fucking month, you merging down does not at all sound bad. I am already not what I was. There is no going and there is no back."
Ioan realized ey'd settled back into observing mode, simply watching silently. Not what ey was supposed to be working on. Ey shook emself back to the present and said, "My apprehensions mostly boil down to the fact that the merge would include May and I's entire relationship. The memories are one thing, and there are some that are pretty intensely personal, but I worry you'd also risk winding up with the feelings that resulted from the formation of those memories."
True Name nodded.
Ey took a deep breath, trying to bolster eir courage with it. "This last month has made me realize how much I care about you and your well-being. I like you, True Name, but I'm really hesitant about you having memories of loving me, if that makes sense."
"And you, May Then My Name? We do not need to go too far into them, but if it is to be a discussion, I would like to at least have these thoughts laid out for perusal."
She was a long time in responding. "I am with Ioan on this, in that I am protective of my devotion to em. It...is difficult to say this so openly, but I am also coming to terms with just how complex my feelings about you are after the events of the last month, and the root of resentment that led to me urging End Waking's merge on you is no longer there, or at least no longer quite so simple. It is no longer aimless hatred, however justified it may have felt. I will ever be myself, so I am uncomfortable pushing yet more resentment and difficulties on you. I do not want to hurt you."
The longer May spoke, the more thoughtful True Name's expression became. She slouched down on the couch, until her head was resting against the back cushions. "I am not sure what to say to this just yet."
"We've been thinking about it for days. You've had, what, twenty minutes?"
She laughed and nodded to em. "Yes, of course. There is much to think about."