post-self/mitzvot.post-self.ink
1
0
Fork 0
Code Issues Pull Requests Actions Packages Projects Releases Wiki Activity

Shift chapters for part pages; add Selected Letters

Browse Source
This commit is contained in:
Madison Scott-Clary
2022-12-17 14:18:48 -08:00
parent 8cbd7c117d
commit 977be40b2f
66 changed files with 6308 additions and 5145 deletions
Download Patch File Download Diff File Expand all files Collapse all files

227
content/read/037.md
View File

@ -1,225 +1,112 @@
# Ioan Bălan --- 2350
# Debarre --- 2350
<!----->
May's stint of overflowing only lasted two nights. Something about the change in context, though, about staying with Sasha instead of Douglas, made everything feel tenuous, delicate. Ioan found it difficult to sleep on the padded cot that she'd added to the tent, and eventually, she must have grown tired of hearing em toss and turn (and perhaps mumble to emself), for she sleepily climbed out of her own bed and into eirs, curling up with em after confirming that it was alright.
Debarre was still mostly full from dinner at home, but he had a few bites of fish forked from End Waking's plate. Tasty, but, as always, lacking in salt.
Unexpected, perhaps, but by then ey was too frustrated and exhausted to think of anything else. The added comfort certainly worked in getting em to sleep, to the point where ey slept in until a ray of sun, creeping slowly, fell across eir face and warmed em awake.
After they ate, End Waking tasked Debarre with washing off the plate while he tucked another small log into the stove and started the kettle for tea, which they shared while sitting on the step at the entrance to the tent, keeping the last of the spring chill away.
Sasha had apparently woken up earlier in the morning and snuck away, as there was a lukewarm cup of camp coffee sitting by the edge of eir bed and no skunk to be found.
"So, my political junkie friends aside, do you have a better idea of what's going on with Jonas and company?"
Ah well, at least the coffee was good (if gritty) and ey felt better rested than ey had before.
End Waking shrugged. "A little, perhaps. I think it is this upcoming audio-video tech. I do not think he wanted--"
Ey met up with her at the shore of the lake where they talked for a bit, though it was clear that she was antsy to head out into the woods on her own, so ey eventually shooed her off, to which she bowed gratefully and said, "My notes are on my desk. If you get bored, I would appreciate your feedback."
"Moment," Debarre said, holding up a paw while he sent a hasty message back home. "Sorry. We'd been guessing at that, just sent a confirmation. Done now."
Ey spent the rest of the abbreviated day reading through what she'd written, making a mental list of ideas and suggestions to pass on to her when things were a little less hectic.
"Please do not act on it yet, my dear."
That night was much the same, with the two of them talking until it was well and truly dark, then settling into their own beds until sleeplessness led to them curling together in one.
So serious was the skunk's tone that Debarre set down his mug and turned to face him. "I won't, but you gotta tell me why."
A ping from May shortly after sunrise woke em, and the jolt startled Sasha awake as well.
"I am going to be at this meeting. I should probably not even know about their AVEC, but I do because of True Name."
"Uh, sorry," ey mumbled, extricating eir arms from around her. "May pinged."
"And given you and I, there's probably only one place I'd get it," he guessed and, when the skunk nodded, sent another message back home. "You sure this place is secure, then? And you're sending a fork, right?"
Sasha levered herself up and squinted out into the orange and pink of dawn. "How is she up before me?" she grumbled.
"Yes and yes."
"Probably because she got good sleep and I kept you up being a mope."
"Good."
She shrugged noncommittally, yawned. "Slept well enough later on, at least. Did she say anything?"
End Waking smiled. "I know that you do, but it is always pleasing to have confirmation that you think so much of me, Debarre."
Ey shook eir head. "No, just a ping. No real urgency, though. Surprised I didn't sleep through it."
"Of course I do," he scoffed. "But I interrupted, sorry. You were saying?"
"You are appropriately keyed to her, dear. I would be surprised if you did."
"Right. With this AVEC technology, I think that Jonas sees an opening to edge True Name out. I do not know why, but she mentioned something about a diversity of governance across Systems. I do not agree with him on this. I think he is playing a dangerous game by treating each of the Systems so differently. Each System treating itself as a separate country is one thing, but potentially destabilizing them by forcing upon each a different form of governance feels like him treating politics as his personal plaything. I do not like it."
"Mm, fair enough," ey said, grinding the heels of eir palms against eir eyes. To May, ey sent a ping in response, plus a subvocalized, "*You okay?*"
The longer End Waking spoke, the deeper Debarre's frown got. "Yeah, ever since they set up that Guiding Council thing over on Pollux, we've been wondering about that. It sounds innocuous enough. Reasonably close to the Council of Ten over on Artemis, I guess, at least on the surface. Just folks you can go talk to about disagreements and mediation. That part was inoffensive, but that they would even do such a thing in the face of the *History* is just wild."
"*Better, yes,*" came the reply. "*I am feeling quite bad about sending you off like that. Not about waking you up, though. You sound cute when you are groggy.*"
End Waking shrugged. "You know more than I on that end. I do not keep up with either LV beyond what you and Ioan care to pass on. There are messages from the clade, but you know my feelings on them."
Ey snorted, shook eir head. "Yeah, she's fine," ey said.
"Mmhm." Debarre hesitated, then added, "Though if you do wind up going through them and come across any juicy details about those politics you don't care about, you could always share them with me."
Sasha surprised em by joining em on the trek back to the house, saying only, "I have been worried, as well."
He laughed and shook his head. "Should my life become so boring, you will have more to worry about, my love. I am better at being a pest than you give me credit for."
May greeted them at the balcony with steaming mugs of coffee. She declined a hug, stating that she felt gross, but did at least press her nose to Ioan's, and then to Sasha's cheek.
"Fine. I'll just get them from May Then My Name."
"Thank you for giving me some space," she said. "I was not expecting the both of you, but I am happy to see you two all the same."
"You will have to put up with her ceaseless flirting."
"Of course, May. I'm just happy to see you doing better. Or happier, at least. You look a mess."
Debarre grinned. "I'm pretty well used to it by now. You're really going to go to this thing, though?"
She scoffed and gestured a paw down at herself. "I look perfectly fine, thank you very much."
End Waking nodded, chewing on a mouthful of tisane-bits. "Yes."
"You look a mess, dear," Sasha confirmed. "You need a shower, a change of clothes, and perhaps another four hours of sleep."
"Why, though? Isn't that gonna be dangerous? Never mind totally outside your interest. It'll all be politics."
May sighed, nodded. "I do at that. All the same, the wave has crested and gone, and now perhaps I can relax enough to do so. Coffee first, though.
The skunk was a long time in answering, staring out into the forest and listening to the far-away rush of the waterfall. "There is what Jonas hopes to accomplish and what I hope to learn. Jonas, I think, would like to gloat. He would like it known that he can loop even me into his plans. He would like even me, even the recluse, scared so that he may use me as a lever over True Name if she is to come out of this alive."
They settled on deck chairs for Sasha's sake and focused on said coffee for a bit, watching the dawn. It was good to be back to coffee that didn't require straining out the occasional percolated ground through one's teeth.
"And me."
"Are you two okay?" May said at last.
"And you, yes. I do not doubt that even he knows what you are up to these days, though I do not know to what extent." He poked around in his mug to hunt down the last of the gooseberries. "I am pleased that you are so careful. I worry about you."
"Tired, but that's easily fixed. Looking forward to a real bed tonight."
Debarre sat, silent. The comment all but demanded silence from him, so rare was any expression of worry from his boyfriend.
Sasha poked at eir knee with a dull claw. "The tent beds are not *that* bad."
"I will be going because if this is to be the end of True Name then it will be a step towards letting go. It will be an in for me to become independent. If I am to move beyond that which defines me, I would like to know how."
"No, they're fine, but they still pale in comparison to our bed."
"Still thinking of cutting your ties? Dropping the clade name?"
"Well, yes, I will admit that."
End Waking shrugged. "Would that be so bad? May Then My Name would become simply a friend, rather than a cocladist. True Name would become someone I know rather than a down-tree instance. I do not speak with the others. Serene, perhaps? But even then, it has been many years. It would not change my relationship with you. The forest will not care if I am an Odist or if I am not. To it, I am called Nobody, and when I die and moulder beneath the roots, then it will say that it feasts on Nobody."
May looked between the two, then laughed. "I take it this setup worked for me taking some space?"
Debarre sighed. Hearing End Waking talk so much was a rarity, but that the death-thoughts were still there meant it'd be a while yet before he'd be allowed back to stay.
Ioan shrugged. "Well enough, sure. It's nice to have another option that isn't just crashing at Douglas's."
"And AwDae? The Name?" he asked. As he always did when Debarre said their friend's name, the skunk stiffened, hunched his shoulders, and drew his hood up over his head. All the same, he'd made it a point to say it at least once per visit. There had been a row the first few times, but he'd won on the point that AwDae had been his friend, too.
"It was fine, dear," Sasha added. "If ever either of you need some space, feel free to kick the other down to the tent and I will make it work."
"I do not know, Debarre. That is, I think, the one thing that I will ever defer to True Name on."
"I am glad," May said. "Earnestly. Ioan was such a solitary creature that I did not ever picture having neighbors when I moved in all those years ago. It is nice to have a friend close by."
He snorted. "Really?"
"Aren't all of your friends equally close now that--"
"If she, of all of us, were ever to feel comfortable speaking it, talking about em, then I will know that this embargo will have been lifted."
Sasha cut em off, shaking her head. "Ioan, do you remember how I said that I feel others' presence around me like a weight on my shoulders?"
"Well, fair," the weasel said, finishing his tea before handing the mug back to End Waking to let the skunk snack on the remnants. He'd never really enjoyed them enough to do so himself. "I'm happy for you, you know that?"
Ey nodded.
End Waking laughed, swallowing the spent lemon balm and mint he'd been chewing. "Happy?"
"I think it is rather like that, though do correct me if I am wrong, May. Even when I am hiding away in my tent, I am still more present than a friend out of sim is."
"Yeah. Like..." Debarre trailed off, hunting for words. "I've never seen you move forward so much all at once. Or at all, really. Like, it's not a bad thing to have a life that you're happy with, but watching you work on the things you *weren't* happy with is nice to see. Kinda glad May Then My Name talked you into the merge, honestly."
"Basically," May said. "Never mind one who knows me so intimately now."
"It has brought me a lightness, yes. She is meddlesome, but kind-hearted."
Sasha nodded, hesitated, then said, "On that note, are *you* okay?"
"You're telling me. She gave me rules of engagement when I first showed up. Thought she was being weird, but they worked pretty well."
"I...well," she began, sighed, and shook her head. "I am upset, and I am disappointed that I am upset. I was so ready to be done with hatred, but I am stuck with yet more of it. Hatred from In Dreams, hatred of Zacharias, hatred in myself. More than the experiences with In Dreams and Zacharias, that feeling is what led to the past few days of tears. I thought that I was done."
"She is a brat."
"I understand. While I am thinking of it, I would like to talk with you about Zacharias at some point --- nothing serious, just strategizing future meltdowns of his. Ioan said he kept trying to force merges on you just to get your attention."
Debarre laughed. "You all are. But hey, I should get going."
May winced. "Ugh, yeah. I have never felt something so intensely...I do not know. It felt like a violation of my personal space on a subatomic level. What were you thinking?"
The slight sag in End Waking's shoulders spoke of relief. He nodded, saying, "Of course. Thank you for the chance to talk."
Sasha tilted her head. "Now? I was going to suggest in a few days time, once you were feeling better."
"You'll let me know when you're going out to this meeting, right?"
"Why not? I am already a mess, I am already thinking about him, and after this, I would like more than 'a few days time' completely disengaged from the topic." She giggled, adding, "Besides, the more I have to dump on Sarah the next time I see her the better, right?"
"Of course."
"I do not think it works that way, but I am not so much of a brat as you." Sasha finished her coffee, set the mug down with a sense of finality, and nodded. "Well, I suppose I am awake enough. If you do not mind, Ioan, may I steal your partner for a little bit longer? I would like to keep this first discussion between us, though I will ensure that you remain caught up. There is some...history behind this she should know."
"And you promise you'll send a fork?"
"Are you up for forking, May?"
"I will."
She hesitated, then shook her head, pushing herself up from her chair to step around behind eirs. She bent down to hug around eir shoulders from behind, cheek pressed against eir own. "I cannot cope with conflicts right now. I cannot yet work in parallel."
"And call if you need?"
Ey rested eir cheek against hers and frowned down to eir coffee for a few moments, sighed, then nodded. "Alright, but I get the May for the rest of the day, okay?"
"Debarre, shut up," End Waking said, patting his knee. "Go. I will keep you up to date."
They both laughed.
"Okay, okay, I'm going." He gave the skunk's paw a squeeze and grinned. "Love you."
"Of course, Ioan," Sasha said. "If you would like some company out on the balcony or something, I have no such compunctions about forking."
"Love you too."
Ey felt May nod against eir cheek. "I am not pushing further solitude on you, my dear. Take some coffee and breakfast with you. I do not imagine we will be all that long."
Debarre quit, rather than bothering with stepping back home. The pile of experiences caught his down-tree instance in the middle of a sentence --- thankfully something unimportant --- and he had to spend a minute reconciling the memories with the ones he'd made since.
Still cognizant of her saying that she felt gross, ey patted one of her paws and turned eir head enough to kiss her on the cheek. "Alright, that sounds good."
"Well, that was interesting."
Ey pulled together a breakfast of rolls to go along with a thermos of coffee, got one more nose-press of a kiss with May, and stepped back outside with an instance of Sasha.
"Fuck," user11824 said. "I was worried you'd say something like that."
The house had been set up on a portion of the slope that was turned a little toward the west for sunset views, meaning that the sun was not yet hitting the balcony. Autumn had gotten chilly enough at night, though, that they decided instead to walk down to the boulder lakeside, which would almost certainly be in full sun, even if it was less comfortable than the deck chairs.
They sat in silence, drinking their coffee and eating rolls with butter and honey.
"Do you think you'll stay, Sasha?" Ioan said, once the rhythm of the silence made room for conversation.
"I am too much myself to say that I will stay forever, but as long as my room and tent are there, as long as you and May are comfortable with me being a part of your lives, I will be happy to call it home. Or at least *a* home."
"Really? No bigger and brighter things?"
She laughed and leaned over to touch her nose to eir cheek. "This *is* bigger and brighter things, Ioan."
"Well, I'm sure we'll talk about it plenty, but I see no reason not to keep your room about, and your tent's certainly no trouble. I don't know what you overflowing will look like, but if it involves two thirds solitude and one third getting lost walking sims, I don't imagine you'll be around all the time."
"Not at all, no. I will spend my share of time at the tent to be alone or out walking the world. Perhaps I will even ask you to double the rest of the house so that I can cook somewhere domestic, not just the wild."
"Of course." Ey shrugged, tossing one of eir collected pebbles into the lake. "Besides, I like having you around."
"I am pleased to hear that. I had gathered such, but all the same, I would not want to be a bother."
"Oh, not at all. It seems like we're all pretty good at sorting things out when they do come up, so I don't imagine it'll get to that point."
"And I am not impinging too much on your and May's relationship?" she asked, holding out her paw for one of eir pebbles. "I am asking her, too, and we will continue to talk together, but I also want to ask you directly."
Ey smiled, handing over the small rock. "I don't think so. So long as we can still have time to ourselves when we need, I'll be happy."
She tossed the pebble out into the water. "Of course, dear." After a pause, she grinned and added, "She is gushing about you now. She loves you very much, you know."
Ioan chuckled. "I love her too. I worry sometimes, but all I can do is trust her."
"Yes. She will not betray that trust. I know to an extent just how much she means to you and to a much greater extent how much you mean to her."
They sat in quiet for a while, tossing pebbles into the water until ey ran out.
"Hey Sasha?"
"Mm?"
"Do you miss anything from before all this?"
She shrugged. "It is hard to tell. As I have said, I liked being True Name. It was fulfilling. Every time I think about that now, though, it is intercut with memories of other happinesses. I will think about some particularly adroit political move and remember it fondly, but right along with it is a memory of a successful hunt or of making fun of you for your pen collection."
Ey laughed.
"In confidence?"
"Sure."
"Do you remember when I asked May about how she cemented aspects of her personality by forking?"
"Mmhm."
"There was one more change that I made during that meeting, which was to cement this triad of identities within me. It became who I am by accident, but it has become an integral part of me. I welcomed it in, owned it, made it a part of myself. I will ever be what I am."
"Really? You're okay staying in three parts?"
"I am. I am happy to. I am *excited* to. There is something pleasant about the just-off-center nature of that reality. It is home to me. I am Sasha, and I am also True Name, E.W., and May. I am of three minds."
"So long as that works for you."
"I think it will. It is a way to be earnestly myself."
Ey nodded. "And I'm guessing you don't miss the social part of that life too much? Jonas or Zacharias or the rest of your stanza."
She poked at eir side with a claw. "You do not need to ask stupid questions, Ioan."
"Right, right," ey said, laughing. "I figured no love lost, but--"
"I did not love any of them, as friends or otherwise," she said, waving away the rest of eir comment. "Now that I have known other kinds of love, I am confident of that."
Her tone wasn't upset or dismissive, but was assertive enough that ey dropped the point. "Well, writing sounds like a good career shift, then."
"Says the writer." She slouched against eir side.
"I liked what you've gotten down so far, and I have a few notes. We'll talk about it when we're back at a desk, though."
"Of course. I will be leaning on you a lot for help."
"I mean, you're leaning on me now."
"Smartass," she drawled.
Ey grinned. "I mean, no complaints. It's still a little surprising, sometimes. I guess on some level I'm still getting used to it, but May got me hooked on physical contact a long time ago."
"A coordinated attack on your defenses, yes," she said. "It makes my job easier."
"What job?"
"Just finding a way to stick around friends. Nothing nefarious, dear."
Ey shook eir head. "Right, sorry. I trust you."
"I agree with what May said, Ioan. Should I want anything beyond that, I will come by it honestly. I will not manipulate my way into anything."
"I appreciate that." Ey hugged an arm around her. Ey was grateful for her looking out at the lake rather than at em, given the heat ey could feel rising to eir cheeks. "While we're being honest, though, I think we're sort of in the same boat, given what you share with May. We can both imagine that, but not necessarily the path from here to there. May called it 'the concept versus the mechanics'."
"Precisely. I imagine the same applies to you, that you will come by it earnestly."
Ey nodded. "Basically. *Is* it something you'd want?"
"God, I have no fucking clue, Ioan," she said, laughing.
"Definitely same boat, then. It's a problem for future Ioan."
They fell into silence again. Part of em was itching for more pebbles to toss into the water, but ey was too comfortable to get up to collect more from the beach.
"That is a part of the reason that I kept that of my old cocladists," Sasha murmured. "I kept some doubt from E.W., enough to keep me grounded without keeping me torn. From May, I am keeping a little bit of overwhelming emotions. The possibility of simply falling for everyone around me is alluring. I can taste it in the memories, like a little bit of saccharine, gritty on the tongue. But I am keeping a little bit of caution from True Name so that it remains a new thing for me. I am of three minds Like a tree In which there are three blackbirds."
Ey turned her words over in eir mind, along with whatever snippet of verse it was she'd quoted. The thought was complete. Nothing ey could respond with would add to it. It was curious, and hinted at things beyond eir ken, but it was complete.
Instead, ey said, "You're a good person, Sasha. All three of you are good people."
"And you, dear, are a dork." She laughed. "But come, my tail is falling asleep, and my fork's conversation with May has wrapped up and she misses you greatly."
They walked back, then, hand in paw, following the trail as it dipped down to the water or ducked up into the trees. Back home, back to May, back to whatever it was that life had become.
He laughed. "You're right to worry. Shit's gonna get really weird here. Life'll get both more and less simple real quick."