diff --git a/content/read/031.md b/content/read/031.md index 34c9516..1183344 100644 --- a/content/read/031.md +++ b/content/read/031.md @@ -105,101 +105,3 @@ Asking how she was feeling felt counter to simply providing what she'd requested Ey wasn't sure what May was doing, whether it was simply soaking up the affection and close proximity or some more thoughtful task. For eir part, though, ey went back to work on organizing events as they'd happened. Who knew what would come next. ------ - - -The next few days passed in relative peace, with both Odists slowly leveling back out to their baseline moods. - -Or, at least, May leveled out to her baseline mood. There still seemed to be some internal struggle within True Name. It wasn't that she was having to step away to sulk or getting caught in anger as she had been when she had begun to overflow, but that the conflicts were still showing in long silences that would sometimes take her in the middle of conversations, especially when the topic of meeting with Jonas came up. - -"I am not even sure if it is conflicts at this point," she admitted when ey brought it up. "Or, well, I do not think it is conflicting memories any longer. Those have been integrated, by this point. I am experiencing conflicts in expectations. I feel doubled, as though there are two of me watching the same conversation and each would like to act in a different way." - -"Are they not working together?" May asked. - -True Name leaned back against the couch and stared out the picture windows into the yard for a few minutes as she thought. "Perhaps not, no," she said at last. "It is difficult to reconcile those two parts of me. They are arguing, in a way. Each is strident in their belief, and some higher part of me will occasionally get stuck trying to get them to just settle down and fucking agree on a course of action or the next sentence or whatever it may be." - -Ioan nodded, saying, "Sort of like Michelle and Sasha?" - -She shook her head. "No, not quite like that, thankfully. There are some similarities --- the sense of there being two parts of me, the internal split --- but it is lacking the dire nature, whatever it was that made her completely helpless before the duality of her self. It is still something that I have some visibility into. I can respond as True Name would or as End Waking would, but I am still just me, and I am learning to unify those natures. I will perhaps never be singular, but I will doubtless unify into a synthesis before long. Just not yet." - - - -May fiddled with eir sweater vest from where she lay against em. "I will admit that, for a while there, I was considering merging down with you before I saw how poorly End Waking's merge went." After the silence stretched out, she laughed nervously, adding, "Sorry, I suppose that is a pretty awkward thing to say." - -"It is okay, May Then My Name," True Name said, smiling reassuringly. "A large part of me wishes that you had rather than End Waking, if I am honest. I understand why you did what you did, and I think on an intellectual level I agree with it, but on a personal level, I would much rather be integrating your memories than his." - -She winced. "That bad?" - -"Uncomfortable," the other skunk corrected. "I do wish perhaps that I had been able to fork or that I had been more cautious with the merge, but if I wanted to remain comfortable, I would have pushed back when you urged me to accept." - -"What about May's merge would've been easier?" Ioan asked. - -"Again, easier does not feel like the correct word. It would have been more comfortable. I would have understood the resentment that others feel for me, if that was indeed a goal, but it would not be the defining factor of the merge." - -"End Waking has mentioned that he defined himself by not being you, yeah." - -She nodded. "So I have learned. The self-loathing that falls out of that rests just this side of overwhelming at times. Perhaps that is why it is proving to be such a project to settle into something resembling a singular nature again. I imagine, given that May Then My Name has defined herself through something unique to her rather than some aspect of her relation to me, it would feel strange, but not so uncomfortable. Do correct me if I am wrong, though, my dear." - -May shook her head. - -"Well, besides," Ioan added. "She's certainly merged down way more recently than End Waking did." - -True Name tilted her head. - -"Ioan," May said quietly. "Do you remember when you were working on the *History* and I said that I was worried that you would be upset with me?" - -Ey frowned, nodded. - -"And do you remember how Dear told Codrin that the temptation to lie would be great?" - -"What did you say to em, May Then My Name?" - -May sighed and brushed her paws up over her head. "I said that I was working as launch coordinator to remain more in line with your expectations so that I could merge back down after the project was over, that we tried to do so every few decades." - -A silence stretched out once more. - -Eventually, Ioan reached up to tug at one of her ears gently. "Skunks are so complicated." - -She let out a pent up breath as a laugh. "I know. I am sorry. I am sorry to both of you. I believed it to be a small untruth. I wanted my relationship with True Name to seem simpler than it was to keep you feeling comfortable. I hoped that that would keep you from digging into my past. Fat load of good that did." - -"When was the last time you merged down, then?" - -"2155," True Name said. "Longer ago than the last time End Waking merged down. It was not acrimonious, she simply declined my next request for a merger and the conversation never came up again." - -Ey laughed. "Really, *really* complicated." - -"I am glad you are not angry, my dear," May said, leaning up to dot her nose against eir cheek. - -"It seems more silly than anything, but I can see your reasons for doing so, in retrospect. Certainly silly in comparison to the last few weeks." - -"Very." May turned her gaze back to True Name and said, "I have my apprehensions about merging, though. *We* have our apprehensions, I mean. After watching what happened with End Waking's merge, it all felt so much more complicated." - -"I do not know," she said, voice distant. "I said that I understand your reasons for what you did. You wanted me to change, you said, to be other than I am. You want me to be able to approach Jonas in some new way that will hopefully allow me to come out the other side with fewer assassins on my tail, yes?" - -May nodded. - -"And I also think I understand your reasons for wanting to merge down. It would make me understand your relationship to me in a very real way, and would make me all the more complete a person in your eyes, yes?" - -Another nod. - -"I am amenable to both of those, though perhaps my reasons differ. But, May Then My Name, coming at this with both full knowledge and as an open conversation has me feeling more positive than perhaps you do," she said, voice having lost its thoughtful edge. "You are a fundamentally good person and that is not something that I take lightly. You work on such a small scale and I have spoken against that in the past, but...well, a threat on one's life is a pretty good way to make one realize that the small scale is still important." - -"But Ioan and I--" - -"I would have full knowledge of your apprehensions as well, would I not?" She held up her paws, smiling. "I am not trying to talk you into it, my dear, and I would still like to hear those apprehensions regardless, I am simply explaining that, given this shitty fucking month, you merging down does not at all sound bad. I am already not what I was. There is no going and there is no back." - -Ioan realized ey'd settled back into observing mode, simply watching silently. Not what ey was supposed to be working on. Ey shook emself back to the present and said, "My apprehensions mostly boil down to the fact that the merge would include May and I's entire relationship. The memories are one thing, and there are some that are pretty intensely personal, but I worry you'd also risk winding up with the feelings that resulted from the formation of those memories." - -True Name nodded. - -Ey took a deep breath, trying to bolster eir courage with it. "This last month has made me realize how much I care about you and your well-being. I like you, True Name, but I'm really hesitant about you having memories of loving me, if that makes sense." - -"And you, May Then My Name? We do not need to go too far into them, but if it is to be a discussion, I would like to at least have these thoughts laid out for perusal." - -She was a long time in responding. "I am with Ioan on this, in that I am protective of my devotion to em. It...is difficult to say this so openly, but I am also coming to terms with just how complex my feelings about you are after the events of the last month, and the root of resentment that led to me urging End Waking's merge on you is no longer there, or at least no longer quite so simple. It is no longer aimless hatred, however justified it may have felt. I will ever be myself, so I am uncomfortable pushing yet more resentment and difficulties on you. I do not want to hurt you." - -The longer May spoke, the more thoughtful True Name's expression became. She slouched down on the couch, until her head was resting against the back cushions. "I am not sure what to say to this just yet." - -"We've been thinking about it for days. You've had, what, twenty minutes?" - -She laughed and nodded to em. "Yes, of course. There is much to think about." diff --git a/content/read/032.md b/content/read/032.md index 1a8855c..f9fe1c7 100644 --- a/content/read/032.md +++ b/content/read/032.md @@ -1,198 +1,97 @@ # Ioan Bălan --- 2350 - -After True Name returned to her room --- or, more likely, out to her field to set up camp --- May said, "If I may say, that was really fucking weird, and I do not want to talk about it at all." +The next few days passed in relative peace, with both Odists slowly leveling back out to their baseline moods. -Ey laughed. "You certainly may. Weird as hell and I need a break." +Or, at least, May leveled out to her baseline mood. There still seemed to be some internal struggle within True Name. It wasn't that she was having to step away to sulk or getting caught in anger as she had been when she had begun to overflow, but that the conflicts were still showing in long silences that would sometimes take her in the middle of conversations, especially when the topic of meeting with Jonas came up. -That last part wasn't strictly true. Ey knew ey'd be ruminating over it until they went to sleep, and likely well into tomorrow. Still, ey agreed that it wasn't a topic for talking about at the moment. The chances they'd just wind up talking in circles, rehashing the same topics over and over, getting nowhere but frustrated, was too high, and ey could do that mentally just as well. +"I am not even sure if it is conflicts at this point," she admitted when ey brought it up. "Or, well, I do not think it is conflicting memories any longer. Those have been integrated, by this point. I am experiencing conflicts in expectations. I feel doubled, as though there are two of me watching the same conversation and each would like to act in a different way." -So, instead, they relaxed together on the couch, May with her head in eir lap while ey read and she worked on this or that, or whatever it was that she did when her eyes lost focus and she hummed quietly to herself. She'd once called it 'going into screen-saver mode', which didn't sound totally accurate to what ey knew of her when ey'd looked up the reference, but ey still teased her about it every now and then. +"Are they not working together?" May asked. -Quiet nights were good, though, and ey was pleased to just spend the rest of this one in comfort. +True Name leaned back against the couch and stared out the picture windows into the yard for a few minutes as she thought. "Perhaps not, no," she said at last. "It is difficult to reconcile those two parts of me. They are arguing, in a way. Each is strident in their belief, and some higher part of me will occasionally get stuck trying to get them to just settle down and fucking agree on a course of action or the next sentence or whatever it may be." -Sleep, however, brought restless dreams. Not nightmares, certainly; they weren't even bad dreams in any common sense of the term. They were, to the last, plagued with a sense of waiting and unease. Ey dreamt of waiting for unspecified news, sitting on uncomfortable benches in weirdly crowded lobbies. Ey dreamt of May being out of the house on some errand longer than she had said she would be. Ey dreamt of not having enough information. +Ioan nodded, saying, "Sort of like Michelle and Sasha?" -All the same, ey woke well rested and made it to the coffee pot before either of the skunks, so ey was able to claim ten minutes of solitude standing before the picture windows, looking out into the slowly lightening yard and the field beside it. Ey could see True Name poke her snout out from her tent, disappear, and then, a few minutes later, start trudging her way back toward the house. +She shook her head. "No, not quite like that, thankfully. There are some similarities --- the sense of there being two parts of me, the internal split --- but it is lacking the dire nature, whatever it was that made her completely helpless before the duality of her self. It is still something that I have some visibility into. I can respond as True Name would or as End Waking would, but I am still just me, and I am learning to unify those natures. I will perhaps never be singular, but I will doubtless unify into a synthesis before long. Just not yet." -"Good morning, Ioan. Oh good, thank you," she mumbled, making a bee-line for one of the mugs of coffee that sat, steaming, on the counter. + -"Morning. Sleep well?" +May fiddled with eir sweater vest from where she lay against em. "I will admit that, for a while there, I was considering merging down with you before I saw how poorly End Waking's merge went." After the silence stretched out, she laughed nervously, adding, "Sorry, I suppose that is a pretty awkward thing to say." -She shrugged noncommittally. "I slept, I am well-rested enough." +"It is okay, May Then My Name," True Name said, smiling reassuringly. "A large part of me wishes that you had rather than End Waking, if I am honest. I understand why you did what you did, and I think on an intellectual level I agree with it, but on a personal level, I would much rather be integrating your memories than his." -They watched the morning head toward full brightness in silence after that, em still standing before the windows and her sitting on the couch, more focused on her coffee than anything. +She winced. "That bad?" -"You have once again failed to bring me my coffee," May grumbled from the bedroom door. "I am going to file a petition to have you censured with the leadership of the System." +"Uncomfortable," the other skunk corrected. "I do wish perhaps that I had been able to fork or that I had been more cautious with the merge, but if I wanted to remain comfortable, I would have pushed back when you urged me to accept." -"Ey did not bring me my coffee, either, my dear," True Name said mildly. "And until recently, I was in such a position." +"What about May's merge would've been easier?" Ioan asked. -May stopped mid-shuffle, snorted, then mumbled an apology and padded to the kitchen to grab her own mug before taking Ioan by the hand and dragging em over to the beanbag so that she could lay down with em. +"Again, easier does not feel like the correct word. It would have been more comfortable. I would have understood the resentment that others feel for me, if that was indeed a goal, but it would not be the defining factor of the merge." -"Are you two up to talking about meeting with Jonas?" True Name asked. "I will pay in another pot of coffee and breakfast." +"End Waking has mentioned that he defined himself by not being you, yeah." -Ioan shrugged. "Sure." +She nodded. "So I have learned. The self-loathing that falls out of that rests just this side of overwhelming at times. Perhaps that is why it is proving to be such a project to settle into something resembling a singular nature again. I imagine, given that May Then My Name has defined herself through something unique to her rather than some aspect of her relation to me, it would feel strange, but not so uncomfortable. Do correct me if I am wrong, though, my dear." -"After that second coffee, yes," May said. +May shook her head. -Breakfast, it turned out, was a Scandinavian affair, or so ey imagined. Dense, dark bread, a tray of cheeses and meats, and a separate tray of vegetables both pickled and fresh. It was strange to call a meal such as breakfast 'refreshing', but the word fit quite well. Quite good, and both of the skunks certainly seemed to appreciate it, eating the lion's share of the food, though May also swiped up a side plate of eggs to go with it. +"Well, besides," Ioan added. "She's certainly merged down way more recently than End Waking did." -May nodded towards True Name, grinning. "Alright. Payment accepted. You may begin." +True Name tilted her head. -True Name nodded. "I had an idea as I was walking last night. Or perhaps it is only a sliver of an idea. I suspect that it will not even get me out of whatever it is that he has planned, but it might soften the blow." +"Ioan," May said quietly. "Do you remember when you were working on the *History* and I said that I was worried that you would be upset with me?" -They both nodded. +Ey frowned, nodded. -"My guess is that, if he wants me to 'step aside', as Zacharias said, then he would like me to truly disappear. He would like me to essentially never be seen again." +"And do you remember how Dear told Codrin that the temptation to lie would be great?" -"Thus the assassination attempt," Ioan said. +"What did you say to em, May Then My Name?" -"Yes. He wanted me to disappear and build up a little bit of mystery because then he would be able to be publicly seen mourning, *et cetera, et cetera, ad nauseam*," she continued, rolling her eyes. "The usual nonsense, I mean. I do not think his plans B through M will be any different. They will all involve me no longer being a part of this and in such a way as to make him come out feeling the victor." +May sighed and brushed her paws up over her head. "I said that I was working as launch coordinator to remain more in line with your expectations so that I could merge back down after the project was over, that we tried to do so every few decades." -"And I'm assuming you'd like to avoid that if possible." +A silence stretched out once more. -"Him feeling like the victor? Yes. I really do mean that I would need to disappear in his definition of victory. I would be effectively dead, if not actually. I would be restricted in who I would be able to speak to, I would have to remain out of public sims, and so on. He would not ask me to retire. Disappear." She hesitated, swirled the last of her coffee in the bottom of her mug, and added, "At least, that is what I would do. It would mean less attack surface for the reactive elements we have been tracking." +Eventually, Ioan reached up to tug at one of her ears gently. "Skunks are so complicated." -"And your plan would, what, subvert that?" May asked. "I have a suspicion I know what it is, but I would like to be sure." +She let out a pent up breath as a laugh. "I know. I am sorry. I am sorry to both of you. I believed it to be a small untruth. I wanted my relationship with True Name to seem simpler than it was to keep you feeling comfortable. I hoped that that would keep you from digging into my past. Fat load of good that did." -"I suspect you do, yes. I will offer him the option of me changing from what I was to such an extent that I will no longer be the True Name that either he or the System expects." +"When was the last time you merged down, then?" -"Is this about me merging down, then?" +"2155," True Name said. "Longer ago than the last time End Waking merged down. It was not acrimonious, she simply declined my next request for a merger and the conversation never came up again." -She shrugged. "I do not think that that is a requirement here, though that question was on my docket for the day. I suspect that I have already changed enough with End Waking's merger. I would just need to prove it to him somehow. That is where my plan ends, however." +Ey laughed. "Really, *really* complicated." -Ioan sat back in eir chair, arms crossed as ey mulled it over. If she was right --- and ey suspected that she was --- then there would likely need to be a change in form and a change in name to go along with the change in attitude. After all, that's how Zacharias had gotten as far as he had, right? +"I am glad you are not angry, my dear," May said, leaning up to dot her nose against eir cheek. -Ey couldn't picture her as anything other than a skunk or perhaps whatever version of Michelle she remembered, though, and certainly couldn't picture her named anything other than True Name. Would she also have to change her speech patterns? They weren't totally identifiable, but now that ey thought about it, even Zacharias had shared many of them. She was an Odist through and through --- more so than any other ey'd met --- and all of the forking and reinforcing that May had done to cement behavior and thought patterns didn't seem like something that she'd willingly undergo, either. +"It seems more silly than anything, but I can see your reasons for doing so, in retrospect. Certainly silly in comparison to the last few weeks." -But perhaps that's what she'd meant by a sliver of a plan. They still had plenty of time to sort that out, at least, and perhaps she'd come up with a way that would actually work without changing herself so much that she'd cease being who she was. +"Very." May turned her gaze back to True Name and said, "I have my apprehensions about merging, though. *We* have our apprehensions, I mean. After watching what happened with End Waking's merge, it all felt so much more complicated." -All the same, ey wasn't sure that her simply incorporating End Waking was quite the type of change that Jonas would appreciate. She acted different, spoke different, and ey was sure she felt different about her work than she had, but eir suspicion was that Jonas didn't want anything left of her that could possibly be of any threat to his power. Her incorporating End Waking's extreme distaste for the politics of the System might be enough, it might not be, but that was a big risk to take. +"I do not know," she said, voice distant. "I said that I understand your reasons for what you did. You wanted me to change, you said, to be other than I am. You want me to be able to approach Jonas in some new way that will hopefully allow me to come out the other side with fewer assassins on my tail, yes?" -Ey'd apparently been silent long enough that the two skunks had drifted off into their own conversation. At least ey hadn't been mumbling. +May nodded. -"Welcome back, my dear," May said when ey leaned forward again to grab eir coffee. +"And I also think I understand your reasons for wanting to merge down. It would make me understand your relationship to me in a very real way, and would make me all the more complete a person in your eyes, yes?" -Ey grinned. "Thanks. Was a nice trip. Don't mean to interrupt or anything, though." +Another nod. -She shook her head. "We were talking of changes." +"I am amenable to both of those, though perhaps my reasons differ. But, May Then My Name, coming at this with both full knowledge and as an open conversation has me feeling more positive than perhaps you do," she said, voice having lost its thoughtful edge. "You are a fundamentally good person and that is not something that I take lightly. You work on such a small scale and I have spoken against that in the past, but...well, a threat on one's life is a pretty good way to make one realize that the small scale is still important." -"Any conclusions?" +"But Ioan and I--" -"Not particularly, no," True Name said. "There are certain levels of change that I find unacceptable, is all." +"I would have full knowledge of your apprehensions as well, would I not?" She held up her paws, smiling. "I am not trying to talk you into it, my dear, and I would still like to hear those apprehensions regardless, I am simply explaining that, given this shitty fucking month, you merging down does not at all sound bad. I am already not what I was. There is no going and there is no back." -"Right. I was thinking similar. It needs some work, but I can at least see where you're coming from with it." +Ioan realized ey'd settled back into observing mode, simply watching silently. Not what ey was supposed to be working on. Ey shook emself back to the present and said, "My apprehensions mostly boil down to the fact that the merge would include May and I's entire relationship. The memories are one thing, and there are some that are pretty intensely personal, but I worry you'd also risk winding up with the feelings that resulted from the formation of those memories." -She nodded. "I will continue to explore. When the time comes, I may ask for your help workshopping some ideas." +True Name nodded. -The conversation wound down from there, with True Name heading out to walk her prairie or poke around in the water or whatever it was that she was doing. +Ey took a deep breath, trying to bolster eir courage with it. "This last month has made me realize how much I care about you and your well-being. I like you, True Name, but I'm really hesitant about you having memories of loving me, if that makes sense." -As though inspired, May and Ioan both moved outside as well, claiming the bench swing on the balcony, sitting on it sideways and facing each other, legs all tangled up. The warmer spring weather ey'd brought about for May while she was overflowing had seemed appropriate once they'd returned, so ey'd left it for the time being. Perhaps ey'd get one more big snow in before letting spring proper settle in. +"And you, May Then My Name? We do not need to go too far into them, but if it is to be a discussion, I would like to at least have these thoughts laid out for perusal." -"What were things like back in 2155?" ey asked. +She was a long time in responding. "I am with Ioan on this, in that I am protective of my devotion to em. It...is difficult to say this so openly, but I am also coming to terms with just how complex my feelings about you are after the events of the last month, and the root of resentment that led to me urging End Waking's merge on you is no longer there, or at least no longer quite so simple. It is no longer aimless hatred, however justified it may have felt. I will ever be myself, so I am uncomfortable pushing yet more resentment and difficulties on you. I do not want to hurt you." -May tilted her head, blinking a cone of silence into place. "When I merged last?" +The longer May spoke, the more thoughtful True Name's expression became. She slouched down on the couch, until her head was resting against the back cushions. "I am not sure what to say to this just yet." -Ey nodded. +"We've been thinking about it for days. You've had, what, twenty minutes?" -"I had just forked the third time. There had been more relationships, of course, ones that ended before I had the chance or need, but this was the third time that I had settled into something comfortable enough to let it last. I was crushed and not particularly excited about merging down, but I had not diverged quite as much by then." - -"Not as much empathy?" - -She laughed. "Too much, perhaps. It took a while for me to settle on a comfortable amount." - -"Too *much?* How on Earth did that work?" - -"I was a fucking mess at all times. I cried at the drop of a hat." - -"You still cry a lot," ey observed, then laughed when she poked at eir knee. - -"Yes, well. I had attributed it at the time to simply being torn up over no longer being in a relationship. My fork was happy, I was heartbroken. In the end, though, I think that my goals were starting to drift from True Name's. I was diverging in more fundamental ways than either of us had expected." - -"And the next time she asked, you just said 'no'?" - -She nodded. "She asked me to consider it, and then the topic simply never came up again. I think that she was already expecting to write me off after the merge in systime 31." - -"Did she wind up expressing her own emotions differently from that merge?" - -She opened her mouth as if to reply, then closed it again, frowning. "I was going to snap at you," she admitted. "But you bring up a good point. She did, to some extent. What emotions she expressed, real or not, came more earnestly to her. She was more able to express empathy, even if it was still in a very True Name fashion. She did not accept my merges --- or any of those from others in her stanza --- as blithely as she did End Waking's." - -"I imagine the circumstances were a bit different," ey said. "Why were you going to snap at me?" - -"I thought you were going to ask me to merge down." - -Ey shrugged. "I hadn't gotten that far in the thought process. Is it something you're still uncomfortable with?" - -"I do not know, my dear. If you had asked me just then, I would have said no. If you had asked me five minutes before then, I would have said yes." She patted eir knee, smiling. "But I will endeavor not to snap at you either way. How about you, though?" - -"Much the same, I think. Your answer has me wondering, though, if she was more intentional about a merge like that, it could work. She could have some of your memories of emotions that she thinks might help while still respecting your privacy." - -"And that is why I did not snap at you. It is a good point, my dear. There is no need for her to have all of my memories wholesale, and with what memories and personality traits and whatever else goes along with a merge, she would hopefully wind up with a synthesis, as she says, rather than a replacement. She would still have all 226 years of being True Name, and all those years of being End Waking, just that she would also have some of me in there." - -"Is that something you could talk her through?" - -She looked thoughtfully out into the yard, at the faint greening of the lilac branches. "Perhaps, yes. We would have to be very deliberate about it, but it should be possible." - -Ey nodded, watching the skunk's gaze drift in and out of focus, the way she would occasionally chew on her lip when thinking. Watched, and thought about what such a synthesis would look like. There wouldn't be any concrete changes in eir partner, but what would this new restless, unsettled True Name look like with yet more memory heaped onto her? Ey knew ey could never know the whole of May and that ey was biased besides, but she seemed so much happier and more comfortable than her down-tree instance, even before End Waking's merger. More comfortable, feeling less of a need to dump all of her energy into forward motion. What would that look like with True Name? - -Ey watched her think. Watched her and thought about how much ey loved her, watched and wondered if such a True Name would also sit and think and chew on her lip. - -"Do you want to?" - -May started from her own reverie. "Hmm?" - -"Regardless of the mechanics or how comfortable you are with it, is this something you'd even want to do?" - -She nodded readily. "Yes. That is the source of all this stress for me over the last few days. I want to, it is just the reality that is working against me." - -"Why?" - -"Why do I want to?" She laughed. "Because I like who I am and I do not like who she is, but that does not mean I do not like what she can become. I want her to be happy and to feel love and to slow the fuck down for five minutes. I do not know for sure, and I acknowledge that there is a value judgment here, but I strongly suspect that these will only ever be good for her." - -Ey leaned forward enough to snag one of her paws and give it a squeeze. "Guess we're of one mind on that, then. Or at least mostly so; you have a better sense as to what goes into the emotional side." - -She smiled gratefully and gave eir hand a squeeze. "Well, when she returns, we can expand on our thoughts." - -They didn't have to wait long. - -Shortly after they went back inside to pull together a snacky sort of lunch, True Name returned from her trip out in the prairie and bowed to them, saying, "I have had some thoughts that I would like to run past you." - -"As have we," Ioan said, gesturing her to a chair. "Good timing. What were you thinking?" - -"It is perhaps more for May Then My Name to answer, though I will appreciate both of your input." - -The skunk nodded for her to continue. - -"You have mentioned in the past that you forked to cement emotional patterns that led to your divergence. I think that I have wound up doing that to some extent, but only ever subconsciously. With how much specificity were you able to pick what it was that you were modifying?" - -May glanced to Ioan, then shrugged. "I worked in very small steps. I forked dozens of times to change very small things. Being deliberate about it made it essentially as fine-grained as I needed." - -"Alright. That helps quite a lot, actually. I was considering how much I might be able to change without losing who and what I am. If I can change some of my own habits, maybe the end result will still be something that I am happy with, but with enough difference to get Jonas off my back. I am not yet sure what those habits might be, but it is an option, at least. I have been trying to catalogue what it is about myself that can go, as it were." She smiled wryly, "But yes, doing so deliberately is probably for the best." - -"That's actually what we had been talking about," Ioan said, looking to May for confirmation that it was alright to continue. - -"A deliberate merge," she said, picking up from where ey'd left off. "One that will keep us comfortable in our privacy while also giving you the opportunity to build upon what you are." - -"Really? That is not what I was expecting to hear." - -They both nodded. - -There was a long silence, then. Both May and Ioan watched True Name as she stared up at the ceiling, unseeing. - -"And you are okay with that, Ioan?" - -Ey nodded. "I think so. I don't wholly understand the mechanics of it, but you're the dispersionistas. I trust you two to have that covered." - -She nodded and looked to May. - -"If you are alright working with me through the process, then I am okay with it." - -"Are you?" Ioan asked. - -True Name smiled lopsidedly. "So long as I can fork beforehand just in case, why the hell not? I am already not what I was. There is already no going back." - -May scoffed and shook her head. "'So long as you can fork'? Jesus, True Name. Of course you can fucking fork. 108 instances with daily reconciliation, and she asks if she can fork." - -They laughed. - -"Well," True Name said, shrugging. "Fuck it." +She laughed and nodded to em. "Yes, of course. There is much to think about." diff --git a/content/read/033.md b/content/read/033.md index abe7931..1a8855c 100644 --- a/content/read/033.md +++ b/content/read/033.md @@ -1,8 +1,198 @@ -# Part IV --- Reconciliation +# Ioan Bălan --- 2350 + -> *The Living know that they will die* -> *but the dead know nothing.* -> -> By our very act of knowing, of remembering, of denying our own deaths, the dead are left in limbo, for every idea's opposite is the absence of that idea, and we can no longer grant them even that absence. +After True Name returned to her room --- or, more likely, out to her field to set up camp --- May said, "If I may say, that was really fucking weird, and I do not want to talk about it at all." -From *Ode* by Sasha +Ey laughed. "You certainly may. Weird as hell and I need a break." + +That last part wasn't strictly true. Ey knew ey'd be ruminating over it until they went to sleep, and likely well into tomorrow. Still, ey agreed that it wasn't a topic for talking about at the moment. The chances they'd just wind up talking in circles, rehashing the same topics over and over, getting nowhere but frustrated, was too high, and ey could do that mentally just as well. + +So, instead, they relaxed together on the couch, May with her head in eir lap while ey read and she worked on this or that, or whatever it was that she did when her eyes lost focus and she hummed quietly to herself. She'd once called it 'going into screen-saver mode', which didn't sound totally accurate to what ey knew of her when ey'd looked up the reference, but ey still teased her about it every now and then. + +Quiet nights were good, though, and ey was pleased to just spend the rest of this one in comfort. + +Sleep, however, brought restless dreams. Not nightmares, certainly; they weren't even bad dreams in any common sense of the term. They were, to the last, plagued with a sense of waiting and unease. Ey dreamt of waiting for unspecified news, sitting on uncomfortable benches in weirdly crowded lobbies. Ey dreamt of May being out of the house on some errand longer than she had said she would be. Ey dreamt of not having enough information. + +All the same, ey woke well rested and made it to the coffee pot before either of the skunks, so ey was able to claim ten minutes of solitude standing before the picture windows, looking out into the slowly lightening yard and the field beside it. Ey could see True Name poke her snout out from her tent, disappear, and then, a few minutes later, start trudging her way back toward the house. + +"Good morning, Ioan. Oh good, thank you," she mumbled, making a bee-line for one of the mugs of coffee that sat, steaming, on the counter. + +"Morning. Sleep well?" + +She shrugged noncommittally. "I slept, I am well-rested enough." + +They watched the morning head toward full brightness in silence after that, em still standing before the windows and her sitting on the couch, more focused on her coffee than anything. + +"You have once again failed to bring me my coffee," May grumbled from the bedroom door. "I am going to file a petition to have you censured with the leadership of the System." + +"Ey did not bring me my coffee, either, my dear," True Name said mildly. "And until recently, I was in such a position." + +May stopped mid-shuffle, snorted, then mumbled an apology and padded to the kitchen to grab her own mug before taking Ioan by the hand and dragging em over to the beanbag so that she could lay down with em. + +"Are you two up to talking about meeting with Jonas?" True Name asked. "I will pay in another pot of coffee and breakfast." + +Ioan shrugged. "Sure." + +"After that second coffee, yes," May said. + +Breakfast, it turned out, was a Scandinavian affair, or so ey imagined. Dense, dark bread, a tray of cheeses and meats, and a separate tray of vegetables both pickled and fresh. It was strange to call a meal such as breakfast 'refreshing', but the word fit quite well. Quite good, and both of the skunks certainly seemed to appreciate it, eating the lion's share of the food, though May also swiped up a side plate of eggs to go with it. + +May nodded towards True Name, grinning. "Alright. Payment accepted. You may begin." + +True Name nodded. "I had an idea as I was walking last night. Or perhaps it is only a sliver of an idea. I suspect that it will not even get me out of whatever it is that he has planned, but it might soften the blow." + +They both nodded. + +"My guess is that, if he wants me to 'step aside', as Zacharias said, then he would like me to truly disappear. He would like me to essentially never be seen again." + +"Thus the assassination attempt," Ioan said. + +"Yes. He wanted me to disappear and build up a little bit of mystery because then he would be able to be publicly seen mourning, *et cetera, et cetera, ad nauseam*," she continued, rolling her eyes. "The usual nonsense, I mean. I do not think his plans B through M will be any different. They will all involve me no longer being a part of this and in such a way as to make him come out feeling the victor." + +"And I'm assuming you'd like to avoid that if possible." + +"Him feeling like the victor? Yes. I really do mean that I would need to disappear in his definition of victory. I would be effectively dead, if not actually. I would be restricted in who I would be able to speak to, I would have to remain out of public sims, and so on. He would not ask me to retire. Disappear." She hesitated, swirled the last of her coffee in the bottom of her mug, and added, "At least, that is what I would do. It would mean less attack surface for the reactive elements we have been tracking." + +"And your plan would, what, subvert that?" May asked. "I have a suspicion I know what it is, but I would like to be sure." + +"I suspect you do, yes. I will offer him the option of me changing from what I was to such an extent that I will no longer be the True Name that either he or the System expects." + +"Is this about me merging down, then?" + +She shrugged. "I do not think that that is a requirement here, though that question was on my docket for the day. I suspect that I have already changed enough with End Waking's merger. I would just need to prove it to him somehow. That is where my plan ends, however." + +Ioan sat back in eir chair, arms crossed as ey mulled it over. If she was right --- and ey suspected that she was --- then there would likely need to be a change in form and a change in name to go along with the change in attitude. After all, that's how Zacharias had gotten as far as he had, right? + +Ey couldn't picture her as anything other than a skunk or perhaps whatever version of Michelle she remembered, though, and certainly couldn't picture her named anything other than True Name. Would she also have to change her speech patterns? They weren't totally identifiable, but now that ey thought about it, even Zacharias had shared many of them. She was an Odist through and through --- more so than any other ey'd met --- and all of the forking and reinforcing that May had done to cement behavior and thought patterns didn't seem like something that she'd willingly undergo, either. + +But perhaps that's what she'd meant by a sliver of a plan. They still had plenty of time to sort that out, at least, and perhaps she'd come up with a way that would actually work without changing herself so much that she'd cease being who she was. + +All the same, ey wasn't sure that her simply incorporating End Waking was quite the type of change that Jonas would appreciate. She acted different, spoke different, and ey was sure she felt different about her work than she had, but eir suspicion was that Jonas didn't want anything left of her that could possibly be of any threat to his power. Her incorporating End Waking's extreme distaste for the politics of the System might be enough, it might not be, but that was a big risk to take. + +Ey'd apparently been silent long enough that the two skunks had drifted off into their own conversation. At least ey hadn't been mumbling. + +"Welcome back, my dear," May said when ey leaned forward again to grab eir coffee. + +Ey grinned. "Thanks. Was a nice trip. Don't mean to interrupt or anything, though." + +She shook her head. "We were talking of changes." + +"Any conclusions?" + +"Not particularly, no," True Name said. "There are certain levels of change that I find unacceptable, is all." + +"Right. I was thinking similar. It needs some work, but I can at least see where you're coming from with it." + +She nodded. "I will continue to explore. When the time comes, I may ask for your help workshopping some ideas." + +The conversation wound down from there, with True Name heading out to walk her prairie or poke around in the water or whatever it was that she was doing. + +As though inspired, May and Ioan both moved outside as well, claiming the bench swing on the balcony, sitting on it sideways and facing each other, legs all tangled up. The warmer spring weather ey'd brought about for May while she was overflowing had seemed appropriate once they'd returned, so ey'd left it for the time being. Perhaps ey'd get one more big snow in before letting spring proper settle in. + +"What were things like back in 2155?" ey asked. + +May tilted her head, blinking a cone of silence into place. "When I merged last?" + +Ey nodded. + +"I had just forked the third time. There had been more relationships, of course, ones that ended before I had the chance or need, but this was the third time that I had settled into something comfortable enough to let it last. I was crushed and not particularly excited about merging down, but I had not diverged quite as much by then." + +"Not as much empathy?" + +She laughed. "Too much, perhaps. It took a while for me to settle on a comfortable amount." + +"Too *much?* How on Earth did that work?" + +"I was a fucking mess at all times. I cried at the drop of a hat." + +"You still cry a lot," ey observed, then laughed when she poked at eir knee. + +"Yes, well. I had attributed it at the time to simply being torn up over no longer being in a relationship. My fork was happy, I was heartbroken. In the end, though, I think that my goals were starting to drift from True Name's. I was diverging in more fundamental ways than either of us had expected." + +"And the next time she asked, you just said 'no'?" + +She nodded. "She asked me to consider it, and then the topic simply never came up again. I think that she was already expecting to write me off after the merge in systime 31." + +"Did she wind up expressing her own emotions differently from that merge?" + +She opened her mouth as if to reply, then closed it again, frowning. "I was going to snap at you," she admitted. "But you bring up a good point. She did, to some extent. What emotions she expressed, real or not, came more earnestly to her. She was more able to express empathy, even if it was still in a very True Name fashion. She did not accept my merges --- or any of those from others in her stanza --- as blithely as she did End Waking's." + +"I imagine the circumstances were a bit different," ey said. "Why were you going to snap at me?" + +"I thought you were going to ask me to merge down." + +Ey shrugged. "I hadn't gotten that far in the thought process. Is it something you're still uncomfortable with?" + +"I do not know, my dear. If you had asked me just then, I would have said no. If you had asked me five minutes before then, I would have said yes." She patted eir knee, smiling. "But I will endeavor not to snap at you either way. How about you, though?" + +"Much the same, I think. Your answer has me wondering, though, if she was more intentional about a merge like that, it could work. She could have some of your memories of emotions that she thinks might help while still respecting your privacy." + +"And that is why I did not snap at you. It is a good point, my dear. There is no need for her to have all of my memories wholesale, and with what memories and personality traits and whatever else goes along with a merge, she would hopefully wind up with a synthesis, as she says, rather than a replacement. She would still have all 226 years of being True Name, and all those years of being End Waking, just that she would also have some of me in there." + +"Is that something you could talk her through?" + +She looked thoughtfully out into the yard, at the faint greening of the lilac branches. "Perhaps, yes. We would have to be very deliberate about it, but it should be possible." + +Ey nodded, watching the skunk's gaze drift in and out of focus, the way she would occasionally chew on her lip when thinking. Watched, and thought about what such a synthesis would look like. There wouldn't be any concrete changes in eir partner, but what would this new restless, unsettled True Name look like with yet more memory heaped onto her? Ey knew ey could never know the whole of May and that ey was biased besides, but she seemed so much happier and more comfortable than her down-tree instance, even before End Waking's merger. More comfortable, feeling less of a need to dump all of her energy into forward motion. What would that look like with True Name? + +Ey watched her think. Watched her and thought about how much ey loved her, watched and wondered if such a True Name would also sit and think and chew on her lip. + +"Do you want to?" + +May started from her own reverie. "Hmm?" + +"Regardless of the mechanics or how comfortable you are with it, is this something you'd even want to do?" + +She nodded readily. "Yes. That is the source of all this stress for me over the last few days. I want to, it is just the reality that is working against me." + +"Why?" + +"Why do I want to?" She laughed. "Because I like who I am and I do not like who she is, but that does not mean I do not like what she can become. I want her to be happy and to feel love and to slow the fuck down for five minutes. I do not know for sure, and I acknowledge that there is a value judgment here, but I strongly suspect that these will only ever be good for her." + +Ey leaned forward enough to snag one of her paws and give it a squeeze. "Guess we're of one mind on that, then. Or at least mostly so; you have a better sense as to what goes into the emotional side." + +She smiled gratefully and gave eir hand a squeeze. "Well, when she returns, we can expand on our thoughts." + +They didn't have to wait long. + +Shortly after they went back inside to pull together a snacky sort of lunch, True Name returned from her trip out in the prairie and bowed to them, saying, "I have had some thoughts that I would like to run past you." + +"As have we," Ioan said, gesturing her to a chair. "Good timing. What were you thinking?" + +"It is perhaps more for May Then My Name to answer, though I will appreciate both of your input." + +The skunk nodded for her to continue. + +"You have mentioned in the past that you forked to cement emotional patterns that led to your divergence. I think that I have wound up doing that to some extent, but only ever subconsciously. With how much specificity were you able to pick what it was that you were modifying?" + +May glanced to Ioan, then shrugged. "I worked in very small steps. I forked dozens of times to change very small things. Being deliberate about it made it essentially as fine-grained as I needed." + +"Alright. That helps quite a lot, actually. I was considering how much I might be able to change without losing who and what I am. If I can change some of my own habits, maybe the end result will still be something that I am happy with, but with enough difference to get Jonas off my back. I am not yet sure what those habits might be, but it is an option, at least. I have been trying to catalogue what it is about myself that can go, as it were." She smiled wryly, "But yes, doing so deliberately is probably for the best." + +"That's actually what we had been talking about," Ioan said, looking to May for confirmation that it was alright to continue. + +"A deliberate merge," she said, picking up from where ey'd left off. "One that will keep us comfortable in our privacy while also giving you the opportunity to build upon what you are." + +"Really? That is not what I was expecting to hear." + +They both nodded. + +There was a long silence, then. Both May and Ioan watched True Name as she stared up at the ceiling, unseeing. + +"And you are okay with that, Ioan?" + +Ey nodded. "I think so. I don't wholly understand the mechanics of it, but you're the dispersionistas. I trust you two to have that covered." + +She nodded and looked to May. + +"If you are alright working with me through the process, then I am okay with it." + +"Are you?" Ioan asked. + +True Name smiled lopsidedly. "So long as I can fork beforehand just in case, why the hell not? I am already not what I was. There is already no going back." + +May scoffed and shook her head. "'So long as you can fork'? Jesus, True Name. Of course you can fucking fork. 108 instances with daily reconciliation, and she asks if she can fork." + +They laughed. + +"Well," True Name said, shrugging. "Fuck it." diff --git a/content/read/034.md b/content/read/034.md index 0340d33..abe7931 100644 --- a/content/read/034.md +++ b/content/read/034.md @@ -1,195 +1,8 @@ -# Ioan Bălan --- 2350 +# Part IV --- Reconciliation -Of all that had happened over the past several weeks, Ioan was surprised to find that it had taken until now for literally anything to feel like it had been planned. Clearly none of them had planned on Jonas coming after True Name, but all of the decisions that had followed had been made on the spot. Snap decisions that had led to True Name moving into their house, to End Waking merging down, to the three of them all overflowing at once. +> *The Living know that they will die* +> *but the dead know nothing.* +> +> By our very act of knowing, of remembering, of denying our own deaths, the dead are left in limbo, for every idea's opposite is the absence of that idea, and we can no longer grant them even that absence. -All of those had been made under what felt like intolerable pressure, and it was only now that they had time enough to relax. There was an uneasy (and certainly temporary) truce between Jonas and True Name that had finally given them enough time to properly consider a decision instead of feeling compelled to make it right away. - -Ey'd harbored a concern, one borne out of stress, that May might just merge down without talking further, but ey kept that to emself, doing eir level best to reason emself out of it. The last thing they needed at the moment was eir mind playing tricks on em. - -And she certainly didn't. In fact, she drew the negotiations that followed that first discussion out by nearly a week, putting lie to that concern. Much of these discussions took place between the two skunks as they walked out on True Name's prairie. - -At first, ey'd felt left out. After all, didn't ey also have boundaries to negotiate and concerns that needed addressing? - -After bringing this up with May, however, she had laughed and poked em in the belly, explaining, "I do not mean to leave you out of anything, my dear. We are discussing elements of the past that kept me from merging down, and elements of the future of the relationship between me and her. You are not missing anything so important, but if you would like, I am happy to keep you apprised of the general content." - -"Given how anxious I've been, I'd appreciate that," ey had said. "But no need to share anything private." - -And so now ey got updates on the conversations with sensitive or personal information held back. - -They spent much of their time discussing various parts of May's life and how comfortable she'd feel sharing those through a merge, and if not, why not. Surprisingly, they also talked with End Waking several times, the third skunk of the stanza coming out to visit her prairie so that they could discuss the ramifications of their merge and how to be more thoughtful with May's. - -That first meeting had been more silence than not, more walking and thinking and not looking at each other than anything. They paced back and forth along the bank of the river, then stared into the oxbow pond, each occasionally failing to start a conversation. They had greater success with subsequent meetings, but they were never comfortable. - - -This wasn't to say that ey didn't have a chance to sit with them at times and discuss eir thoughts on the matter, of course. - -"Feelings are complex, Ioan," True Name explained as they sat around a low fire before her tent. "If they are created by memories, then there is little that I can do to completely control how I might feel about something beyond picking and choosing the memories carefully. However, one can never be sure which memories may lead to which feelings. If they come from something more intrinsic to one's personality and thought patterns, then it is even more difficult to attempt to control them." - -Ey nodded. "That much I can certainly understand. I trust that you'll be built up from your various histories rather than simply May's feelings tacked onto you." - -"Yes. I cannot predict how I will feel about anything after this, much less you. Your relationship and existing boundaries will take precedence over whatever happens, though. I will respect that." - -Ioan bowed eir thanks. - -"I have been wondering how your feelings toward Debarre have shifted," End Waking said. - -"It is complex, not least of which because I accepted the whole of your merge so blithely. I will not be doing the same with May Then My Name's." - -He frowned. - -"I am sorry," True Name said, shrugging helplessly. "There is little that I could have done in the moment to avoid it, and there is certainly nothing that I can do now to fix it." - -May dipped her muzzle and apologized as well, saying, "I do feel bad about how that worked out, no matter how much you tell me it is okay." - -"It is not okay," End Waking said, then hastened to add when his cocladist flinched away, "It is what we have to work with, and it is perhaps what the moment called for." - -May nodded, still cowed. - -"I am of two minds," True Name said. "I remember having loved Debarre. I remember still loving him, and perhaps even I, even True Name, still love him in some roundabout way. However, I am what I am, and that is a being of two minds. That of me which is you, End Waking, loves him, and that of me which is True Name, respects him from a distance, respects his distaste for me, that feeling I engendered to minimize his impact within the council by making it purely emotional, as uncomfortable as it was to do so." - -"The same as you did with me and Codrin?" Ioan asked. "With the History, I mean." - -She nodded. "It was-- it felt like a necessity at the time. I am not some cold, unfeeling bitch, it is just that my drive and my abilities, such as they are, outweigh --- or at least outweighed --- those feelings. I worked to distance myself from them." - -"I remember so little of that," May said. - -True Name shrugged. "As you intentionally moved towards feeling, I worked to contain and compartmentalize it within myself after you came into being. I became a being of negative commandments. I lived the 'shalt not's while you performed your *mitzvot* of loving and caring." - -May sighed. - -"I will not say that I am proud of it, my dear, but neither will I say that I regret it. It is what it is specifically because I was what I was." - -"Perhaps you will learn from your merge," End Waking said. - -"Perhaps. Perhaps it will become a part of me, perhaps it will live within me alongside that of you and that of True Name." - -"Still feeling fractured?" Ioan asked. - -"I am of two minds, Ioan. I do not know if I will feel...I do not know. I am not comfortable speaking further on this just yet." - -They spent the rest of the night in quiet, May leaning against eir side while True Name and End Waking spoke quietly about the plain and the forest. - -Finally, though, a week to the day after the decision had been made, Ioan awoke to find May and True Name already sitting at the table, speaking earnestly in a cone of silence. Once they noticed em, True Name waved it away and May grinned, saying, "Sorry, my dear. We did not want to wake you." - -Ey poured emself a cup of coffee before joining them. "Appreciate it. Hope I'm not interrupting." - -True Name shook her head. "We are discussing our plan for the day." - -Ey bought emself a moment by taking a sip of coffee. "Is today the day, then?" - -"May Then My Name thinks so, but we were also waiting for you to join us to make sure." - -"Well, if it were solely up to me, I'd just spin my wheels worrying about it until we ran out of time, so I suppose I'm alright with it. What all will go into it?" - -"Well," True Name began, a fork appearing next to her. "First I fork and she will head to the tent." - -The new instance of True Name bowed. "Then the perilous path was planted, And a river and a spring On every cliff and tomb," she said before waving goodbye and padding back out through her room. - -Ioan stared after the departing skunk and shook eir head. "You guys are so weird." - -They both laughed. - -"Then we will set up a space for me to rest in the meantime," True Name continued. "And then I suppose that is all there is to it. May Then My Name will fork and quit and I will process the merge." - -"And your fork is just there in case something goes wrong?" - -"Or if the result is not acceptable." - -"'Not acceptable'?" - -"If the merge does not go well or if I wind up being unable to work as I would like." - -"Or if all of my emotions get overwhelming," May added. "Since I do rather have a surfeit." - -Ioan leaned over and ruffled a hand over the skunk's ears. "Yeah, you definitely do." - -"Yes, yes, and you love me for it." She laughed and pushed eir hand away, straightening the mussed up fur. "Breakfast first, though, and then we can work from there." - -After another Scandinavian-style breakfast, the three of them re-organized True Name's room. The bed was set in a corner instead of up against one wall, allowing a collection of pillows to be placed against the walls in case she wanted to lean against them or organize them into a nest. - -"Are you sure you don't want to set up something out in the prairie?" - -"I did consider it, but May Then My Name talked me out of it, stating that she would like to be at hand without having to spend all of her time out there, herself. Besides, if I learned one thing from End Waking merging down, it was that the less I have to think about my body, the easier it is to focus on my mind. Comfort will only ever help." - -They also supplied her with ready water, juice, and a few comforting snacks on one of the bedside tables so that she wouldn't have to get up just to go to the kitchen. - -Another beanbag was added by the bed, in case she requested that they stay in there for any length of time, and a more comfortable bench-swing was added to the balcony in case she needed to go outside but wasn't feeling up to walking down to the prairie itself. - -It felt like rather a lot of preparations to make just for a merge, but then May had last merged down 83 years before ey had uploaded --- nearly 64 before ey'd even been born --- and after seeing how intense End Waking's merge had been, none of them felt up to cutting any corners and having to rush comfort after the fact. - -Finally, though, there was nothing left to do, no further preparations to be made that weren't just stalling, so May took eir hand to hold em still so that ey'd quit pacing. - -"I don't even know why I'm fretting so much, I'm not even the one merging." - -True Name smiled faintly and shrugged. "I am fretting too, do not worry." - -"It is a big event," May added. "It will be an even bigger merge and, while it may be more comfortable than End Waking merging down as she has said, it will be no less complex." - -Ey sighed and nodded, squeezing her paw before tugging eir hand free. "Right. I'll relax and leave you to the rest of it." - -"Please stay, Ioan," True Name said quietly. - -"Stay?" - -"Yes. Please stay. I do not think it will be dramatic, but, well..." She hesitated and frowned. "You are a grounding person. Is that not what my counterpart on Castor said about Codrin? I appreciate your presence." - -Ey considered any number of responses ey could give before just nodding. If nothing else, ey didn't want to hold either of the skunks up from what would most certainly affect both of them more than it would em. - -May forked and the new instance climbed up onto the bed with True Name, the two skunks kneeling, facing each other, amid all the blankets and pillows. - -Both Ioan and True Name watched as the down-tree instance of May scrubbed her paws over her face vigorously for a moment, gave a shaky wave, and then quit. True Name winced and screwed her eyes shut, and the May who had knelt with her on the bed reached out and took the skunk's paws in her own. - -"Go ahead." - -It was still another ten seconds or so before True Name managed to relax enough to permit the merge to progress, and even then the only visual indication was a slow slump of her shoulders and a relaxing of the muscles of her face. - -Ioan stuffed eir hands in eir pockets and did eir best to feel rooted to where ey stood, hoping against hope that ey could keep from pacing. May watched True Name carefully, eyes searching her features for what ey could not tell. She seemed almost frozen, breathing shallowly despite the relaxed set of her features. - -And ey stood and watched them both. - -The three of them stayed like that for nearly five minutes --- two skunks kneeling on the bed while ey watched from beside it --- before True Name moved again. - -
- Oh...oh, I cannot... -
Art by Iris Jay.
-
- -"Oh...oh, I cannot..." she whispered, and started to sag over to one side. - -May shushed her quietly and helped her to lay out on her side before settling down with her. They curled together, still facing each other, nearly snout to snout and still holding paws. - -Ey stood and watched. Then ey sat on the beanbag and watched. Watched and waited, though ey wasn't sure what for. - -It was more than an hour before May forked beside em, took eir hand, and led em from the room. Neither of the skunks on the bed had moved or made a sound other than May asking True Name if she was okay at one point and the other skunk shaking her head. - -Once the door was shut behind them, May let out a shaky sigh and padded over to the kitchen. "That was very hard." - -"Why, do you think?" ey asked. - -She took a moment to pour herself a glass of water before replying. "I want to be here with you, and I also want to be in there with her, and I also want to go back in time and tell her I do not want to merge, and I also want to go back in time and merge instead of End Waking, and...a-and..." - -"Come here, May." - -She clutched the water to her chest with both paws, stumbling blindly around the kitchen counter so that ey could guide her to the beanbag. - -She sat down and let Ioan rub her back. Only once she could manage a sip or two of water, she said, voice hoarse, "Did I fuck up, Ioan?" - -Ey was still teasing apart the day --- or perhaps the last month --- but all the same, ey did eir best to respond to what ey suspected lay beneath the surface of the question. "Do you think she resents you for not just letting her be True Name?" - -May whined and set the water glass aside, shifting on the beanbag until she could rest her head on eir thigh. "I worry that the real reason she wanted to do this was because there is no going back to who she was. One of those 'fuck it, burn it all down' situations." - -"There could be some of that, but is that so bad?" - -"I do not know," she mumbled. - -"Can you imagine her being okay staying as True Name and being all cooped up for the rest of eternity?" - -She snorted. "God, no. I think she would lose it." - -"Same, yeah. She'd probably try to pull a Dear or something." - -"And hate every minute of it. You heard her, she likes who she was and all that she did. I cannot imagine her letting that go." - -Ey nodded and combed eir fingers through the fur on the nape of her neck. "So she'll be left with a complex view of that --- or, well, a couple of them, I guess --- maybe enough for her to change how she moves through the world. Think it'll be enough for Jonas?" - -The skunk rolled until her face was nearly pressed against eir belly to let em pet. "I do not know," she mumbled. "I do not think even she knows." +From *Ode* by Sasha diff --git a/content/read/035.md b/content/read/035.md index 121587c..0340d33 100644 --- a/content/read/035.md +++ b/content/read/035.md @@ -1,407 +1,195 @@ # Ioan Bălan --- 2350 -Sleep was the first obstacle they ran into. +Of all that had happened over the past several weeks, Ioan was surprised to find that it had taken until now for literally anything to feel like it had been planned. Clearly none of them had planned on Jonas coming after True Name, but all of the decisions that had followed had been made on the spot. Snap decisions that had led to True Name moving into their house, to End Waking merging down, to the three of them all overflowing at once. -While True Name had, at one point, sat up long enough to drink half a glass of water, she had yet to leave the bed, and with her still down for the count, the instance of May that had remained was unwilling to leave her side, even for dinner, which she declined. +All of those had been made under what felt like intolerable pressure, and it was only now that they had time enough to relax. There was an uneasy (and certainly temporary) truce between Jonas and True Name that had finally given them enough time to properly consider a decision instead of feeling compelled to make it right away. -"You don't think sleeping with her will be enough to keep you comfortable through the night?" +Ey'd harbored a concern, one borne out of stress, that May might just merge down without talking further, but ey kept that to emself, doing eir level best to reason emself out of it. The last thing they needed at the moment was eir mind playing tricks on em. -She rolled her eyes and poked em in the stomach with a dull claw. "It is not just that I do not want to sleep alone. I want to sleep with you." +And she certainly didn't. In fact, she drew the negotiations that followed that first discussion out by nearly a week, putting lie to that concern. Much of these discussions took place between the two skunks as they walked out on True Name's prairie. -Ioan blinked, laughed, and rubbed at the back of eir neck. "Right, sorry, I guess I've been stuck on logistics mode for a bit." +At first, ey'd felt left out. After all, didn't ey also have boundaries to negotiate and concerns that needed addressing? -"Is this not emotional?" +After bringing this up with May, however, she had laughed and poked em in the belly, explaining, "I do not mean to leave you out of anything, my dear. We are discussing elements of the past that kept me from merging down, and elements of the future of the relationship between me and her. You are not missing anything so important, but if you would like, I am happy to keep you apprised of the general content." -"It is! I'm just...overwhelmed or something." +"Given how anxious I've been, I'd appreciate that," ey had said. "But no need to share anything private." -May nodded and looped her arms up around eir shoulders. "That much I understand, my dear." +And so now ey got updates on the conversations with sensitive or personal information held back. -"Would it make sense if I added a cot or something in there? I could at least sleep nearby." +They spent much of their time discussing various parts of May's life and how comfortable she'd feel sharing those through a merge, and if not, why not. Surprisingly, they also talked with End Waking several times, the third skunk of the stanza coming out to visit her prairie so that they could discuss the ramifications of their merge and how to be more thoughtful with May's. -She perked up and tilted her head. "One moment. Or...well, come with me." +That first meeting had been more silence than not, more walking and thinking and not looking at each other than anything. They paced back and forth along the bank of the river, then stared into the oxbow pond, each occasionally failing to start a conversation. They had greater success with subsequent meetings, but they were never comfortable. -May led em to True Name's room where the skunk was slouched over on the bed, head resting in the other instance of May's lap, the two of them tucked into the nest of pillows in the corner. -"Let me reduce--" The May who had stayed with Ioan quit, leaving the other instance of her to quickly incorporate the merge and continue, "--conflicts. True Name, are you able to speak?" +This wasn't to say that ey didn't have a chance to sit with them at times and discuss eir thoughts on the matter, of course. -The answer was a long time coming. "Some," she croaked. +"Feelings are complex, Ioan," True Name explained as they sat around a low fire before her tent. "If they are created by memories, then there is little that I can do to completely control how I might feel about something beyond picking and choosing the memories carefully. However, one can never be sure which memories may lead to which feelings. If they come from something more intrinsic to one's personality and thought patterns, then it is even more difficult to attempt to control them." -May nodded. "I am not going to leave, but it is getting close to bedtime. I am also not comfortable not being near Ioan. May ey sleep in here with us?" +Ey nodded. "That much I can certainly understand. I trust that you'll be built up from your various histories rather than simply May's feelings tacked onto you." -True Name slowly rolled her head to the side enough to squint at Ioan through one eye. Her cheek-fur was a mess of tear tracks. "Ioan?" +"Yes. I cannot predict how I will feel about anything after this, much less you. Your relationship and existing boundaries will take precedence over whatever happens, though. I will respect that." -"I can make a cot by the bed," ey said, then laughed. "Or just another, smaller bed, I guess. No need to make one of those uncomfortable things." +Ioan bowed eir thanks. -She slowly pushed herself up to a sitting position, though she remained half-slouched against May. "Can you...make the bed bigger?" +"I have been wondering how your feelings toward Debarre have shifted," End Waking said. -"Well, I mean..." ey shrugged helplessly, looking to May. +"It is complex, not least of which because I accepted the whole of your merge so blithely. I will not be doing the same with May Then My Name's." -The skunk tilted her head back against the wall, looking up to the ceiling thoughtfully. "I do not see why not, I suppose," she said, sounding distant. +He frowned. -"Worried?" True Name mumbled. +"I am sorry," True Name said, shrugging helplessly. "There is little that I could have done in the moment to avoid it, and there is certainly nothing that I can do now to fix it." -Ioan shifted eir weight uncomfortably from one foot to the other. "I just, uh," ey stammered. "I don't want to make things weird. I can't even imagine all you're going through." +May dipped her muzzle and apologized as well, saying, "I do feel bad about how that worked out, no matter how much you tell me it is okay." -True Name laughed hoarsely. "It is not a comfortable...time for us, no." She sighed, sat up further, and rubbed at her face. "Preference...make bed larger and join...second choice, other bed." +"It is not okay," End Waking said, then hastened to add when his cocladist flinched away, "It is what we have to work with, and it is perhaps what the moment called for." -Ey nodded. "I can make the bed bigger. Should I make a second set of covers?" +May nodded, still cowed. -She swallowed several times in a row, a sign of tears to come ey well knew from May. "Can I ask...can you two..." +"I am of two minds," True Name said. "I remember having loved Debarre. I remember still loving him, and perhaps even I, even True Name, still love him in some roundabout way. However, I am what I am, and that is a being of two minds. That of me which is you, End Waking, loves him, and that of me which is True Name, respects him from a distance, respects his distaste for me, that feeling I engendered to minimize his impact within the council by making it purely emotional, as uncomfortable as it was to do so." -May got her arms around the skunk and shushed her gently. "We will work it out." +"The same as you did with me and Codrin?" Ioan asked. "With the History, I mean." -Ioan hesitated a moment longer before willing the bed to expand another half meter in width. A second set of covers and pillows spooled themselves out onto it as well, just in case. +She nodded. "It was-- it felt like a necessity at the time. I am not some cold, unfeeling bitch, it is just that my drive and my abilities, such as they are, outweigh --- or at least outweighed --- those feelings. I worked to distance myself from them." -Ey paced back and forth a few times, shook eir head, then waved a hand again to bring a set of pajamas into being on the bed. Sleeping in eir usual dress of a pair of boxers didn't seem quite appropriate at the moment. +"I remember so little of that," May said. -May blinked down at the clothes, giggled quietly, and shook her head. *"You are such a nerd,"* she subvocalized through a sensorium message so as not to disturb True Name. *"It is a good idea, but you are a total nerd."* +True Name shrugged. "As you intentionally moved towards feeling, I worked to contain and compartmentalize it within myself after you came into being. I became a being of negative commandments. I lived the 'shalt not's while you performed your *mitzvot* of loving and caring." -Ey shrugged helplessly, gathered up the loose lounge pants and shirt to go change. +May sighed. -*"I have no clue how tired I even am,"* ey sent once ey returned. *"Or if I'll even be able to sleep here."* +"I will not say that I am proud of it, my dear, but neither will I say that I regret it. It is what it is specifically because I was what I was." -*"If you need to sneak off to sleep in our bed, you can."* +"Perhaps you will learn from your merge," End Waking said. -*"I'm* also *unwilling to sleep without you, so..."* +"Perhaps. Perhaps it will become a part of me, perhaps it will live within me alongside that of you and that of True Name." -Her expression softened. She tilted her muzzle down to whisper something to True Name, and when she received a nod in response, she signed *okay* and patted the bed to invite em up. +"Still feeling fractured?" Ioan asked. -Ey nodded and climbed onto the (now much larger) bed so ey could settle down beside May in the nook of pillows. Getting eir arm around her, ey let her rest her head on eir shoulder. It was a little awkward with True Name still slouched against her side, but it worked well enough. +"I am of two minds, Ioan. I do not know if I will feel...I do not know. I am not comfortable speaking further on this just yet." -*"I'm surprised she's so...physical,"* ey sent. +They spent the rest of the night in quiet, May leaning against eir side while True Name and End Waking spoke quietly about the plain and the forest. -*"She was not, at first, but I suspect she is working her way from past to present. She slowly got closer and closer as she learned how I did the same."* +Finally, though, a week to the day after the decision had been made, Ioan awoke to find May and True Name already sitting at the table, speaking earnestly in a cone of silence. Once they noticed em, True Name waved it away and May grinned, saying, "Sorry, my dear. We did not want to wake you." -It made sense, at least. Whenever ey'd dealt with a longer merge --- eir longest had been around thirteen months, and a particularly boring project at that --- it always felt like the memories were interleaving themselves in with the ones ey already had, histories slowly zippering themselves into consensus. Conflicts, then, were the snags one encountered along the way, and one would have to dump energy into either reconciling or discarding memories. It was a very consuming task, and that True Name had been able to speak at all was far more than ey could have done. +Ey poured emself a cup of coffee before joining them. "Appreciate it. Hope I'm not interrupting." -*"Think it's overriding the bits of her and End Waking that aren't keen on touch?"* ey asked. +True Name shook her head. "We are discussing our plan for the day." -*"Must be."* +Ey bought emself a moment by taking a sip of coffee. "Is today the day, then?" -*"How are you doing with it?"* +"May Then My Name thinks so, but we were also waiting for you to join us to make sure." -She sighed, at which True Name squinted up to her, then over to Ioan, offering a weak smile before settling back into processing. +"Well, if it were solely up to me, I'd just spin my wheels worrying about it until we ran out of time, so I suppose I'm alright with it. What all will go into it?" -*"I do not know, my dear. It has activated all of my care instincts, so I am happy to make her comfortable in all of the ways I know how. It helps, then, that those are all of the ways she knows now, too, or at least is learning. If I focus on that, I feel very positive. It is only when I get distracted and ruminating that I begin to spiral. It is more comfortable for me to focus on caring for someone now than it is to think about boundaries or Zacharias or Jonas."* +"Well," True Name began, a fork appearing next to her. "First I fork and she will head to the tent." -Ey kissed between May's ears, murmuring, "You're a good person, May." +The new instance of True Name bowed. "Then the perilous path was planted, And a river and a spring On every cliff and tomb," she said before waving goodbye and padding back out through her room. -The skunk lifted her snout to tuck it up under eir chin. +Ioan stared after the departing skunk and shook eir head. "You guys are so weird." -"You two...are disgusting," True Name mumbled. "Keep it up." +They both laughed. -May laughed and tightened her grip around her briefly. "Hush, you. We will work on going to bed soon. I hope that you can get some sleep." +"Then we will set up a space for me to rest in the meantime," True Name continued. "And then I suppose that is all there is to it. May Then My Name will fork and quit and I will process the merge." -She only shrugged. +"And your fork is just there in case something goes wrong?" -"Well, either way, I will let you keep the corner nest and be right here. Ioan can take the outside." +"Or if the result is not acceptable." -"Keeping em...away?" +"'Not acceptable'?" -May frowned. "I am keeping myself close to you." +"If the merge does not go well or if I wind up being unable to work as I would like." -"I kid. I have not...even gotten there, yet," True Name said, slowly pushing herself up once more and frowning at just how far away the glass of water was. Ioan leaned forward to grab it for her. She drank carefully. "But if it...also keeps awkwardness down...that is good, too." +"Or if all of my emotions get overwhelming," May added. "Since I do rather have a surfeit." -Ioan accepted the glass from her once she finished, re-filling it from the pitcher they'd brought in and setting it on the windowsill near the nook so that she could get to it herself. "We can talk about that later. For now, I think it'll work alright." +Ioan leaned over and ruffled a hand over the skunk's ears. "Yeah, you definitely do." -True Name nodded and settled down into her nest of pillows. +"Yes, yes, and you love me for it." She laughed and pushed eir hand away, straightening the mussed up fur. "Breakfast first, though, and then we can work from there." -May and Ioan stayed up a little longer, chatting through sensorium messages to let True Name process in peace. Cognizant of her mention that she felt better when not thinking about boundaries, ey kept the topics light, asking about favorite things and letting her rant about plays from her past that she'd hated. +After another Scandinavian-style breakfast, the three of them re-organized True Name's room. The bed was set in a corner instead of up against one wall, allowing a collection of pillows to be placed against the walls in case she wanted to lean against them or organize them into a nest. -Nearly an hour later, just as May started to nod off, True Name yelped and sat up, scrambling back against the wall away from them. "You know!" she shouted. "Codrin knows!" +"Are you sure you don't want to set up something out in the prairie?" -It took only a moment for understanding to click into place. Both ey and May sat up to give her a bit more space. +"I did consider it, but May Then My Name talked me out of it, stating that she would like to be at hand without having to spend all of her time out there, herself. Besides, if I learned one thing from End Waking merging down, it was that the less I have to think about my body, the easier it is to focus on my mind. Comfort will only ever help." -"Hush, my dear," May said, voice soothing. "It is okay. Remember Dear's letter." +They also supplied her with ready water, juice, and a few comforting snacks on one of the bedside tables so that she wouldn't have to get up just to go to the kitchen. -"I...I cannot-- It is too much!" +Another beanbag was added by the bed, in case she requested that they stay in there for any length of time, and a more comfortable bench-swing was added to the balcony in case she needed to go outside but wasn't feeling up to walking down to the prairie itself. -Ioan held still, hands flat on eir thighs. The urge to wipe the sweat from eir palms was pressing against em, but ey wanted to at least appear calm, even if ey didn't feel such. +It felt like rather a lot of preparations to make just for a merge, but then May had last merged down 83 years before ey had uploaded --- nearly 64 before ey'd even been born --- and after seeing how intense End Waking's merge had been, none of them felt up to cutting any corners and having to rush comfort after the fact. -May began to crawl towards True Name, then stopped when her cocladist shied away from her. "Codrin has not spoken it aloud, not even with True Name#Castor. I confirmed with Dear: ey only said *that* ey heard it, and that is all that ey told Ioan." +Finally, though, there was nothing left to do, no further preparations to be made that weren't just stalling, so May took eir hand to hold em still so that ey'd quit pacing. -She snatched a pillow from the pile and clutched it to her chest, wide-eyed. "Why?" +"I don't even know why I'm fretting so much, I'm not even the one merging." -"Ey couldn't be the only one," Ioan said quietly. "We don't do as well under pressure as you, we don't...well..." +True Name smiled faintly and shrugged. "I am fretting too, do not worry." -"Keep secrets?" she growled. +"It is a big event," May added. "It will be an even bigger merge and, while it may be more comfortable than End Waking merging down as she has said, it will be no less complex." -May held up her paws disarmingly. "They keep secrets very well. They just do not keep many." +Ey sighed and nodded, squeezing her paw before tugging eir hand free. "Right. I'll relax and leave you to the rest of it." -She glanced sharply at May, then said to Ioan, "Ey did not tell you the Name? No one else knows?" +"Please stay, Ioan," True Name said quietly. -"No. The message was individual-eyes-only. I haven't even shown May." After a moment's thought, ey added, "But I can unlock it for you, if you want. It's in an exo I haven't looked at since." +"Stay?" -"Sweep the whole sim," she snapped. +"Yes. Please stay. I do not think it will be dramatic, but, well..." She hesitated and frowned. "You are a grounding person. Is that not what my counterpart on Castor said about Codrin? I appreciate your presence." -Ey nodded, swept the sim of everyone but the three of them, and instructed the perisystem architecture to print out the *0 individuals swept* receipt onto a slip of foolscap, which ey handed over. +Ey considered any number of responses ey could give before just nodding. If nothing else, ey didn't want to hold either of the skunks up from what would most certainly affect both of them more than it would em. -"Move back, May Then My Name," she instructed, quieter this time. When May obliged, the skunk crawled closer to em and set up a cone of silence with secure visual ACLs. She was panting and shaking, though ey was pleased to see that at least the anger that had swelled briefly had subsided once more into something more manageable. Ey didn't think any of them were up for a shouting match. Once she'd knelt beside em, whispered, "Show me." +May forked and the new instance climbed up onto the bed with True Name, the two skunks kneeling, facing each other, amid all the blankets and pillows. -Ey drew the sheet out of the air, holding it up for True Name to see the fully redacted text, then unlocked it for her eyes only and handed it over. +Both Ioan and True Name watched as the down-tree instance of May scrubbed her paws over her face vigorously for a moment, gave a shaky wave, and then quit. True Name winced and screwed her eyes shut, and the May who had knelt with her on the bed reached out and took the skunk's paws in her own. -She read it through top to bottom a few times, set it down and kneaded her paws against her face, then picked it up to read it once more. +"Go ahead." -Finally, shoulders sagging, she handed it back. "Re-secure it and destroy it, please." +It was still another ten seconds or so before True Name managed to relax enough to permit the merge to progress, and even then the only visual indication was a slow slump of her shoulders and a relaxing of the muscles of her face. -Ey did so and held up eir hands. "I'm sorry, True--" +Ioan stuffed eir hands in eir pockets and did eir best to feel rooted to where ey stood, hoping against hope that ey could keep from pacing. May watched True Name carefully, eyes searching her features for what ey could not tell. She seemed almost frozen, breathing shallowly despite the relaxed set of her features. -She patted eir arm with a shaking paw. "Please do not apologize." After dropping the cone of silence, she continued, "I should have...I should have learned from...I am sorry." +And ey stood and watched them both. -May held out a paw once more, and this time True Name took it, letting herself be guided back to the nest of pillows, where she slumped down once more, expression glassy. "Could themself have peeped --- And seen my Brain --- go round ---" she mumbled. +The three of them stayed like that for nearly five minutes --- two skunks kneeling on the bed while ey watched from beside it --- before True Name moved again. -"Rest, my dear. It is okay," May said quietly. "Do you want company?" +
+ Oh...oh, I cannot... +
Art by Iris Jay.
+
-"Too much...but I..." After a shuddering breath, she shook her head. "I will...be fine. We will speak later." +"Oh...oh, I cannot..." she whispered, and started to sag over to one side. -May nodded and crawled back over to Ioan, nudging em to lay down so that she could tuck in against eir front. She remained tense, and when ey sent a gentle sensorium ping, she sniffled and shook her head. +May shushed her quietly and helped her to lay out on her side before settling down with her. They curled together, still facing each other, nearly snout to snout and still holding paws. -Tiredness eventually won them over, though, and, despite the room being mirrored from what ey was used to, the bed was the same, comfortable one ey'd slept in for the last century, the house held the same sense of 'home' as ever. May curled against eir front as she always did, and while it was strange seeing True Name just beyond her, it was still where ey belonged. +Ey stood and watched. Then ey sat on the beanbag and watched. Watched and waited, though ey wasn't sure what for. -The last thing ey remembered before falling asleep was watching the way True Name had curled to face May, the two skunks holding each others' paws once more, and thinking to emself, *This isn't how I pictured things winding up if I had somehow been able to fix things between them, but it could certainly be worse.* +It was more than an hour before May forked beside em, took eir hand, and led em from the room. Neither of the skunks on the bed had moved or made a sound other than May asking True Name if she was okay at one point and the other skunk shaking her head. ------ +Once the door was shut behind them, May let out a shaky sigh and padded over to the kitchen. "That was very hard." -Waking brought confusion. Something about the inversion from their normal bed, of having fallen asleep on eir other side than ey usually did, induced a subtle sense of vertigo at first. The pajamas were also bunched up around em strangely, adding a subtle sense of constriction. As sleep slowly seeped away, though, the feeling lessened and ey was able to relax in the warmth beneath the covers. +"Why, do you think?" ey asked. -Warmer than expected, perhaps. May was still in eir arms, as usual, but the position felt off with the addition of a second warm bulk. +She took a moment to pour herself a glass of water before replying. "I want to be here with you, and I also want to be in there with her, and I also want to go back in time and tell her I do not want to merge, and I also want to go back in time and merge instead of End Waking, and...a-and..." -Ey tried to puzzle it out through the fog of doziness that still surrounded em. Eventually, ey gave up and levered eir eyes open, blinking a few times to bring the world into focus. +"Come here, May." -At some point in the night, True Name had apparently rolled over and wound up curled in May's arms, much as she was curled in eirs, and with with eir arm resting atop May's, ey was left hugging two skunks. +She clutched the water to her chest with both paws, stumbling blindly around the kitchen counter so that ey could guide her to the beanbag. -Ey lay there for a while, groggily trying to piece together eir thoughts on the situation. As far as ey could remember in eir still sleep-addled state, ey'd never been this close to True Name before. There had been the occasional casual touch, a few touches out of necessity --- grabbing her hand to get away from Guōweī, lifting her after End Waking's merge --- but even going back to when ey'd first met her, there'd been very little touch. It made sense, given her personality, and yet here she was, all cuddled up with the two of them. If nothing else, ey should probably decide whether or not to extricate eir arm from the situation to ease that awkwardness. +She sat down and let Ioan rub her back. Only once she could manage a sip or two of water, she said, voice hoarse, "Did I fuck up, Ioan?" -Ah well, ey was probably worrying too much about this, just laying there and ruminating. +Ey was still teasing apart the day --- or perhaps the last month --- but all the same, ey did eir best to respond to what ey suspected lay beneath the surface of the question. "Do you think she resents you for not just letting her be True Name?" -*"You almost certainly are, Mx. Bălan,"* came the barest whisper of a sensorium message. *"Especially if you are mumbling."* +May whined and set the water glass aside, shifting on the beanbag until she could rest her head on eir thigh. "I worry that the real reason she wanted to do this was because there is no going back to who she was. One of those 'fuck it, burn it all down' situations." -Ey jolted at the words impinging on eir senses, getting a sleepy grumble out of May. +"There could be some of that, but is that so bad?" -*"Sorry,"* ey replied to True Name. +"I do not know," she mumbled. -There was a note of amusement, of almost-laughter, as she sent, *"It is okay, dear. What are you worried about? You only mumbled the last bit."* +"Can you imagine her being okay staying as True Name and being all cooped up for the rest of eternity?" -Eir mind raced as ey tried to figure out how best to explain what ey'd been cycling over. +She snorted. "God, no. I think she would lose it." -*"I rolled over sometime in the night --- I do not know when, I was memory-sick --- and have been staying still to keep from waking you two. Would you like me to move?"* +"Same, yeah. She'd probably try to pull a Dear or something." -*"No..."* ey replied hesitantly. *"But you guessed right. I hope this isn't weird or anything. If you need to--"* +"And hate every minute of it. You heard her, she likes who she was and all that she did. I cannot imagine her letting that go." -*"Ioan, I asked after your preferences,"* she chided. *"I am okay, I promise."* +Ey nodded and combed eir fingers through the fur on the nape of her neck. "So she'll be left with a complex view of that --- or, well, a couple of them, I guess --- maybe enough for her to change how she moves through the world. Think it'll be enough for Jonas?" -Ey hid the heat rising to eir cheeks by burying eir face in May's fur. *"Right, sorry. You're okay there. I'm just being awkward."* - -Ey felt True Name relax. *"We both are. It is comforting and awkward in equal measure. One third of me is very happy to be held, one third would really rather not be touched, and one third is simply confused. I am of three minds."* - -*"Have you finished merging, then?"* - -There was a subtle rustle of fur against pillow as the skunk shook her head. *"I have the memories in place, but there are many conflicts yet to process. It is easier to put those on hold, at least, so that I can make fun of you for mumbling for a little bit."* - -Ey smirked. *"Har har. All the same, I'm glad you made it through to this far, at least."* - -*"Thank you, Ioan. As am I."* - -They fell back into silence then. Ioan spent a while marveling at the mix of coziness and strangeness. It *was* comfortable, there with the two skunks. May was in eir arms as she should be, and True Name, similar as she was, fit well enough in the mix. The strangeness, then, came from the knowledge that she was specifically True Name. This was so counter to what ey knew of her from the years prior, especially the version of her that she'd become over the past few weeks since End Waking's merge. - -Ey could already tell that she'd changed, though, even beyond the fact that she'd wound up as close as this. Her speech patterns were shifting once again, losing some of their formality, finding their way back to ground from the high-minded patterns she'd picked up from her other cocladist, and yet they weren't totally those of May, either. They didn't sound the same, just more alike than they had before. - -She was tripled, now. She was True Name and she was End Waking and she was May. Whether or not she would become something new or remain thus ey didn't think even she knew. The adjustment would certainly take time for everyone. Ey liked End Waking quite a bit as a friend, but that friendship was different than that of eirs with True Name. Ey was friends with May, but in that way that partners were still friends beneath the romance of a big-R Relationship, and there was certainly no comparison to be made between the other small-r relationships. If she was of three minds, so was ey. - -*"Unrelated to comfort or awkwardness, I am going to get up to make coffee,"* she sent, nudging em out of rumination once more. *"I did not sleep, and if I do not have coffee soon, I shall surely die."* - -May grumbled again when True Name rolled away from her, gathering the remainder of the covers and a stray pillow up to replace the space that had been left by her cocladist's absence. Ey couldn't tell if the skunk was actually awake or not, but she settled down once more, if nothing else. - -True Name sat up and scrubbed at her face with her paws, wiping the grit of sleep --- or perhaps tears --- from her eyes. She grinned down to em. *"My assessment remains. You two are so cute that it is disgusting."* - -Stifling a laugh, ey rolled eir eyes. *"Blame May."* - -*"Way ahead of you, dear,"* she sent as she crawled out of bed. *"I will make coffee and then I will need some alone time on the plain. I will ensure there is enough for all."* - -There was a quiet clattering from the kitchen, mugs being shifted about and the coffee pot being set in place, doubtless another instance of her making enough noise to let them know what she was up to. - -It was enough to wake May the rest of the way, the skunk stretching out against eir front and yawning wide before she shifted about to face em. "Pillows," she mumbled, peeking down at the bundle she still held in her arms. "Oh, did I...?" - -Ioan nodded, placing a kiss atop her head. "She said she rolled over against you, yeah." - -"Sorry, Ioan." - -"It's fine by me, I slept through most of it," ey said, chuckling. "She and I talked about it a bit before you woke up. She's confused about it, but seemed like she needed it." - -"She is learning my wicked ways," she mumbled against eir front. "I am happy to hear that it was helpful and that you are okay with it, though." - -"Mmhm. How about you?" - -May yawned again before poking her nose up against eir chin. "I do not know. I slept through it, too, apparently. It fits with what I said earlier, though. I am pleased to care for those around me." - -"She also called us disgusting again." - -"That is because we are. Is that her making coffee?" - -Ey nodded, nudging her snout with eir chin. - -"Good girl." - -A few minutes later, True Name returned, carrying three mugs of coffee. Ioan and May pushed themselves up to sitting so that they could accept. - -"I am sorry I shouted last night. I think I understand Dear's letter better now." - -May nodded. - -"I was wondering if you didn't know about...all that before last night, honestly," Ioan said. - -"I have been fed bad and incomplete information for years now. I had not suspected just to what extent. I am still frightened, if I am honest, but I will trust you two on this. It is complicated and bound up in emotions I do not understand, but I will trust you." She shook her head. "But I cannot speak of it any more right now." - -"Heading outside?" ey asked. - -She nodded. "Yes. I will need an hour or so of nothing but the morning and the grass." - -"Of course." - -May nodded. "Take the space you need." - -True Name leaned over enough to dot her nose against the skunk's cheek. "Thank you, dear. If you cook breakfast, I will refrain from telling Ioan embarrassing stories." - -"Asshole." She laughed. "Where did this humor come from?" - -"Your guess is as good as mine, at this point." - -"She seems to be doing well," ey said, once she'd made her way outside and down the stairs to the prairie. - -"It helps that I did not drop a merge onto her unexpectedly. She had more to process, but more preparation to do so." - -"She said she's done getting the memories in order but working on conflicts now." - - May nodded. "About a third of the way done, then." - -"It's really gratifying to see it going so much more smoothly this time." - -"Agreed, yes," she said between sips. "I was not expecting her to turn into a cuddlebug, but I suppose that will level out before long. Was that awkward, this morning?" - -Ey shrugged. "A little, I guess. Just hard making it work in my head. Doesn't fit with what I remember of her." - -"I cannot picture you getting cozy with *just* True Name, no. I can barely picture her getting cozy with anyone, and that is certainly not even bringing End Waking's general touch-aversion into the equation." - -"I'd assume she got cozy with Zacharias, if they were together." - -May's expression soured. "We will need to talk about him soon, but I cannot talk about him now." - -"Of course." - -She made a setting aside gesture, stepping back to the previous topic. "Did that feel like crossing a boundary?" - -"Not particularly, no. It just felt like me being awkward, more than anything." - -"That is good, then." She finished her coffee and waved the mug away. "I do not know how to feel about it, myself, because I do not know what she will be like when she has finished incorporating the merge. She is not yet settled enough, so I will forgive much that I might not otherwise." - -"It's not like she was hitting on me or anything," ey said, laughing. - -She smirked. "Are you sure?" - -Ey reached over to tug on one of her ears gently. "Yes, I'm sure. I'm dense, but not *that* dense." - -The skunk tilted her head at the tug, laughing. "Has your opinion of her as a friend changed?" - -Ioan tilted eir head. "How do you mean?" - -"I do not imagine that you felt the same about her when she was just True Name as you do now about who she has become. Or is becoming, at least." - -"Well, no," ey hazarded. "But I don't know just how, yet." - -"Me either." - -They reconvened over a simple breakfast of scrambled eggs and potatoes with toast. - -"I instructed my fork to quit," True Name said by way of opening the conversation. - -"Feeling positive about the merge, then?" ey asked. - -"Yes. Having worked through some conflicts, it will not be easy, but I am comfortable with the direction in which it is going." She took a bite of toast piled high with egg and potato, chewing thoughtfully. "It is not all positive, but it has given me hope for a pleasant life moving forward." - -"Was your life unpleasant before?" When May frowned at em, ey held up eir hands. "Sorry, maybe that's impertinent. It's not important." - -True Name shook her head. "It is okay. It was, yes. It was fulfilling. I felt hopeful and comfortable with the path I had chosen. The work itself was starting to grate on me, but that had less to do with the work than the coworker. Pleasantness was never a focus for me, however." - -May, having subsided, finished her bite of toast before asking, "Did you have hope for happiness with just End Waking's merge?" - -"No. Not at all." She reached out a paw to give one of May's a squeeze, adding quickly, "Again, I understand --- now more than ever --- why you did what you did, and I do approve of it in light of what is happening with Jonas, but it was an uncomfortable duality in comparison to this more comfortable plurality and I may yet settle into a new singularity. I do not know." - -May smiled gratefully, returning that squeeze. - -"Meeting up with my fork hammered that point home pretty well. She looked...well, I will not elaborate on the differences I saw. Seeing myself through her eyes, I can tell that she was pleased as well." - -"I am very happy to hear that," May said. "Not least of which because you seem to be building a new self rather than simply a raw combination of us." - -True Name nodded, finished her plate before setting it aside. "Thank you for breakfast, May Then My Name. Your secrets are safe for another day-- ow!" - -"Your high station does not preclude you from being kicked, my dear," May said sweetly. "You deserved that." - -The skunk preened. - -Ioan watched the exchange, grinning. Beyond just what she'd said, ey could read relief in May's features. That resentment towards her down-tree instance had never quite gone away, ey knew, and, on some level, it likely never would. Still, that True Name was, as the skunks had said, rebuilding herself into a new person seemed to have brought out a new sense of friendliness within eir partner that had been lacking to that point. - -Ey wondered if she would go through a reevaluation of who True Name had been before, much as ey had. It was certainly enough that she felt more positive, but ey --- em and Codrin#Castor, perhaps --- seemed to have dropped much of that resentment that had lingered in May and so many others, though whether that was due to a difference in temperament or the relatively short time they'd known the skunk in comparison, ey couldn't tell. - -"Is it just me, or is eir mumbling getting worse?" True Name stage-whispered to May. - -She whispered back, "Perhaps the centuries are catching up to em. Is this how the Bălans crack? Should we warn Dear?" - -"Are all skunks such pests?" Ey smirked. - -They laughed. - -"I mumble more when I'm stressed, that's all." - -"Are you stressed now, my dear?" May asked. - -"It's a stressful time overall, even if this particular morning is pleasant enough." - -"It feels rather like the morning after a sleepover, yes," True Name said. - -May nodded eagerly. - -"I've never had one of those, so I'll have to take your word for it. Do those always come with cuddling up in the morning?" - -Both skunks splayed their ears and dipped their snouts. - -"It depends on the sleepover," May said, adding to True Name, "Are you feeling well enough to discuss boundaries now?" - -She hesitated. "We can begin the conversation, though I will need to address further conflicts before long." - -"To be clear," Ioan said. "I'm okay with it, it was just unexpected." - -True Name gave a hint of a bow. "One thing that came up in our discussions leading up to the merge is that the one with the greater restrictions in a relationship defines the boundaries. Right now, I suspect that may be one of you two. I am the outsider, here. I have never had to have a conversation such as this." - -"My comment about you building up a new self has gone a long way towards soothing any fears," May said. "I think I was worried you might incorporate my memories of the last few decades wholesale and wind up feeling exactly the way that I do about Ioan." - -True Name shook her head. "I have taken to heart your requests and declined the personal memories you suggested. There are many conflicts," she said, speaking more slowly. "Perhaps due to your feelings about me as I was, so I am not sure how I feel yet, but...well, may I speak earnestly?" - -May and Ioan both nodded. - -"On that point, I remember enough to know why it is that you love Ioan. I can see what it is that you see in em. It is as if..." She trailed off, ears pinned flat. "This is so fucking embarrassing. I am sorry. Uh...it is as though there is a world in which I could do the same, but I do not know how to get from here to there. Again, I am sorry, May Then My Name." - -There was a long silence around the table while Ioan and May digested this. True Name spent it resting her head in her paws and staring down at her plate. - -It was May who broke the silence, saying simply, "May." - -True Name sniffled and lifted her head. "Sorry?" - -"Stop calling me May Then My Name." - -"I--" - -"Do not make it weird, True Name," May said, laughing. She held out a paw toward the skunk "Just fucking call me May already." - -"Right. May," True Name said, gingerly resting her paw in her up-tree instance's. - -"I do not know how you get from this world to that one, either, should that even be something you want, but," she said, taking a deep breath, "so long as you come by that path earnestly and we discuss it in the moment, it is your path to take. Do you have any thoughts, Ioan?" - -Ey held up eir hands. "Don't look at me. I don't have a clue." - -They laughed. - -"We'll see, I guess," ey said, shrugging. "It's all way too much for me to take in right now." - -"Perhaps that is a good place to pause," True Name said. "This conversation has those conflicts begging for attention." - -"Of course, my dear," May said, giving her paw a squeeze. "Go and walk. There will be time for discussions to come, especially once we are finished with this unpleasant political business." +The skunk rolled until her face was nearly pressed against eir belly to let em pet. "I do not know," she mumbled. "I do not think even she knows." diff --git a/content/read/036.md b/content/read/036.md index f7a7a3e..121587c 100644 --- a/content/read/036.md +++ b/content/read/036.md @@ -1,153 +1,407 @@ -# Debarre --- 2350 +# Ioan Bălan --- 2350 -When Debarre received the ping from End Waking, he quickly excused himself from dinner and dashed out into the back yard to respond. The last time he'd received a message in the middle of a period of overflowing, it had been when the skunk's leg had been impaled on a branch, so he hoped against hope that it wasn't the entire tent washing away in a flood this time. It was getting on in spring --- still a bit early for floods, but one never knew... +Sleep was the first obstacle they ran into. -"E.W.?" he said. "What's up? You okay? Is the tent?" +While True Name had, at one point, sat up long enough to drink half a glass of water, she had yet to leave the bed, and with her still down for the count, the instance of May that had remained was unwilling to leave her side, even for dinner, which she declined. -"The tent is fine, my dear," he replied. "I apologize if I interrupted, but I have some news regarding May Then My Name, Ioan, and True Name, and you requested that I message you. Besides, I need to speak about it with someone other than them. Someone not an Odist." +"You don't think sleeping with her will be enough to keep you comfortable through the night?" -He frowned down to the lawn, kicking at a tuft of crabgrass. "Well, if you're getting in touch, I'm assuming it's urgent." +She rolled her eyes and poked em in the stomach with a dull claw. "It is not just that I do not want to sleep alone. I want to sleep with you." -There was a sense of a sigh from the other end. "I am sorry, Debarre." +Ioan blinked, laughed, and rubbed at the back of eir neck. "Right, sorry, I guess I've been stuck on logistics mode for a bit." -"Fuck, I'm sorry, E.W. That came out way snarkier than intended. I understand. I only meant to ask if it was the type of thing where I should fork and come by right away." +"Is this not emotional?" -"Please," End Waking said, sounding relieved. "There is nothing to be done, but I am very impatient to speak with someone." +"It is! I'm just...overwhelmed or something." -"You? Impatient?" Debarre laughed. "I'll be right over." +May nodded and looped her arms up around eir shoulders. "That much I understand, my dear." -He forked off Debarre#RelEW and watched him step from the sim, then spent another few seconds looking out into the yard, trying to remember the last time anything had been so important that it had required him leaving immediately. Something other than a tree falling on his boyfriend, that is. +"Would it make sense if I added a cot or something in there? I could at least sleep nearby." -"Well, shit," he muttered, turning to head back inside. "This is gonna be a mess." +She perked up and tilted her head. "One moment. Or...well, come with me." + +May led em to True Name's room where the skunk was slouched over on the bed, head resting in the other instance of May's lap, the two of them tucked into the nest of pillows in the corner. + +"Let me reduce--" The May who had stayed with Ioan quit, leaving the other instance of her to quickly incorporate the merge and continue, "--conflicts. True Name, are you able to speak?" + +The answer was a long time coming. "Some," she croaked. + +May nodded. "I am not going to leave, but it is getting close to bedtime. I am also not comfortable not being near Ioan. May ey sleep in here with us?" + +True Name slowly rolled her head to the side enough to squint at Ioan through one eye. Her cheek-fur was a mess of tear tracks. "Ioan?" + +"I can make a cot by the bed," ey said, then laughed. "Or just another, smaller bed, I guess. No need to make one of those uncomfortable things." + +She slowly pushed herself up to a sitting position, though she remained half-slouched against May. "Can you...make the bed bigger?" + +"Well, I mean..." ey shrugged helplessly, looking to May. + +The skunk tilted her head back against the wall, looking up to the ceiling thoughtfully. "I do not see why not, I suppose," she said, sounding distant. + +"Worried?" True Name mumbled. + +Ioan shifted eir weight uncomfortably from one foot to the other. "I just, uh," ey stammered. "I don't want to make things weird. I can't even imagine all you're going through." + +True Name laughed hoarsely. "It is not a comfortable...time for us, no." She sighed, sat up further, and rubbed at her face. "Preference...make bed larger and join...second choice, other bed." + +Ey nodded. "I can make the bed bigger. Should I make a second set of covers?" + +She swallowed several times in a row, a sign of tears to come ey well knew from May. "Can I ask...can you two..." + +May got her arms around the skunk and shushed her gently. "We will work it out." + +Ioan hesitated a moment longer before willing the bed to expand another half meter in width. A second set of covers and pillows spooled themselves out onto it as well, just in case. + +Ey paced back and forth a few times, shook eir head, then waved a hand again to bring a set of pajamas into being on the bed. Sleeping in eir usual dress of a pair of boxers didn't seem quite appropriate at the moment. + +May blinked down at the clothes, giggled quietly, and shook her head. *"You are such a nerd,"* she subvocalized through a sensorium message so as not to disturb True Name. *"It is a good idea, but you are a total nerd."* + +Ey shrugged helplessly, gathered up the loose lounge pants and shirt to go change. + +*"I have no clue how tired I even am,"* ey sent once ey returned. *"Or if I'll even be able to sleep here."* + +*"If you need to sneak off to sleep in our bed, you can."* + +*"I'm* also *unwilling to sleep without you, so..."* + +Her expression softened. She tilted her muzzle down to whisper something to True Name, and when she received a nod in response, she signed *okay* and patted the bed to invite em up. + +Ey nodded and climbed onto the (now much larger) bed so ey could settle down beside May in the nook of pillows. Getting eir arm around her, ey let her rest her head on eir shoulder. It was a little awkward with True Name still slouched against her side, but it worked well enough. + +*"I'm surprised she's so...physical,"* ey sent. + +*"She was not, at first, but I suspect she is working her way from past to present. She slowly got closer and closer as she learned how I did the same."* + +It made sense, at least. Whenever ey'd dealt with a longer merge --- eir longest had been around thirteen months, and a particularly boring project at that --- it always felt like the memories were interleaving themselves in with the ones ey already had, histories slowly zippering themselves into consensus. Conflicts, then, were the snags one encountered along the way, and one would have to dump energy into either reconciling or discarding memories. It was a very consuming task, and that True Name had been able to speak at all was far more than ey could have done. + +*"Think it's overriding the bits of her and End Waking that aren't keen on touch?"* ey asked. + +*"Must be."* + +*"How are you doing with it?"* + +She sighed, at which True Name squinted up to her, then over to Ioan, offering a weak smile before settling back into processing. + +*"I do not know, my dear. It has activated all of my care instincts, so I am happy to make her comfortable in all of the ways I know how. It helps, then, that those are all of the ways she knows now, too, or at least is learning. If I focus on that, I feel very positive. It is only when I get distracted and ruminating that I begin to spiral. It is more comfortable for me to focus on caring for someone now than it is to think about boundaries or Zacharias or Jonas."* + +Ey kissed between May's ears, murmuring, "You're a good person, May." + +The skunk lifted her snout to tuck it up under eir chin. + +"You two...are disgusting," True Name mumbled. "Keep it up." + +May laughed and tightened her grip around her briefly. "Hush, you. We will work on going to bed soon. I hope that you can get some sleep." + +She only shrugged. + +"Well, either way, I will let you keep the corner nest and be right here. Ioan can take the outside." + +"Keeping em...away?" + +May frowned. "I am keeping myself close to you." + +"I kid. I have not...even gotten there, yet," True Name said, slowly pushing herself up once more and frowning at just how far away the glass of water was. Ioan leaned forward to grab it for her. She drank carefully. "But if it...also keeps awkwardness down...that is good, too." + +Ioan accepted the glass from her once she finished, re-filling it from the pitcher they'd brought in and setting it on the windowsill near the nook so that she could get to it herself. "We can talk about that later. For now, I think it'll work alright." + +True Name nodded and settled down into her nest of pillows. + +May and Ioan stayed up a little longer, chatting through sensorium messages to let True Name process in peace. Cognizant of her mention that she felt better when not thinking about boundaries, ey kept the topics light, asking about favorite things and letting her rant about plays from her past that she'd hated. + +Nearly an hour later, just as May started to nod off, True Name yelped and sat up, scrambling back against the wall away from them. "You know!" she shouted. "Codrin knows!" + +It took only a moment for understanding to click into place. Both ey and May sat up to give her a bit more space. + +"Hush, my dear," May said, voice soothing. "It is okay. Remember Dear's letter." + +"I...I cannot-- It is too much!" + +Ioan held still, hands flat on eir thighs. The urge to wipe the sweat from eir palms was pressing against em, but ey wanted to at least appear calm, even if ey didn't feel such. + +May began to crawl towards True Name, then stopped when her cocladist shied away from her. "Codrin has not spoken it aloud, not even with True Name#Castor. I confirmed with Dear: ey only said *that* ey heard it, and that is all that ey told Ioan." + +She snatched a pillow from the pile and clutched it to her chest, wide-eyed. "Why?" + +"Ey couldn't be the only one," Ioan said quietly. "We don't do as well under pressure as you, we don't...well..." + +"Keep secrets?" she growled. + +May held up her paws disarmingly. "They keep secrets very well. They just do not keep many." + +She glanced sharply at May, then said to Ioan, "Ey did not tell you the Name? No one else knows?" + +"No. The message was individual-eyes-only. I haven't even shown May." After a moment's thought, ey added, "But I can unlock it for you, if you want. It's in an exo I haven't looked at since." + +"Sweep the whole sim," she snapped. + +Ey nodded, swept the sim of everyone but the three of them, and instructed the perisystem architecture to print out the *0 individuals swept* receipt onto a slip of foolscap, which ey handed over. + +"Move back, May Then My Name," she instructed, quieter this time. When May obliged, the skunk crawled closer to em and set up a cone of silence with secure visual ACLs. She was panting and shaking, though ey was pleased to see that at least the anger that had swelled briefly had subsided once more into something more manageable. Ey didn't think any of them were up for a shouting match. Once she'd knelt beside em, whispered, "Show me." + +Ey drew the sheet out of the air, holding it up for True Name to see the fully redacted text, then unlocked it for her eyes only and handed it over. + +She read it through top to bottom a few times, set it down and kneaded her paws against her face, then picked it up to read it once more. + +Finally, shoulders sagging, she handed it back. "Re-secure it and destroy it, please." + +Ey did so and held up eir hands. "I'm sorry, True--" + +She patted eir arm with a shaking paw. "Please do not apologize." After dropping the cone of silence, she continued, "I should have...I should have learned from...I am sorry." + +May held out a paw once more, and this time True Name took it, letting herself be guided back to the nest of pillows, where she slumped down once more, expression glassy. "Could themself have peeped --- And seen my Brain --- go round ---" she mumbled. + +"Rest, my dear. It is okay," May said quietly. "Do you want company?" + +"Too much...but I..." After a shuddering breath, she shook her head. "I will...be fine. We will speak later." + +May nodded and crawled back over to Ioan, nudging em to lay down so that she could tuck in against eir front. She remained tense, and when ey sent a gentle sensorium ping, she sniffled and shook her head. + +Tiredness eventually won them over, though, and, despite the room being mirrored from what ey was used to, the bed was the same, comfortable one ey'd slept in for the last century, the house held the same sense of 'home' as ever. May curled against eir front as she always did, and while it was strange seeing True Name just beyond her, it was still where ey belonged. + +The last thing ey remembered before falling asleep was watching the way True Name had curled to face May, the two skunks holding each others' paws once more, and thinking to emself, *This isn't how I pictured things winding up if I had somehow been able to fix things between them, but it could certainly be worse.* ----- -Debarre#RelEW was greeted by the sight of End Waking kneeling in the clearing across from May Then My Name. +Waking brought confusion. Something about the inversion from their normal bed, of having fallen asleep on eir other side than ey usually did, induced a subtle sense of vertigo at first. The pajamas were also bunched up around em strangely, adding a subtle sense of constriction. As sleep slowly seeped away, though, the feeling lessened and ey was able to relax in the warmth beneath the covers. -"Oh, company," he said, frowning. "Wasn't expecting two of you." +Warmer than expected, perhaps. May was still in eir arms, as usual, but the position felt off with the addition of a second warm bulk. -"You messaged...wait, does that mean you are a fork?" May Then My Name said, frowning at End Waking. +Ey tried to puzzle it out through the fog of doziness that still surrounded em. Eventually, ey gave up and levered eir eyes open, blinking a few times to bring the world into focus. -"It does, yes." +At some point in the night, True Name had apparently rolled over and wound up curled in May's arms, much as she was curled in eirs, and with with eir arm resting atop May's, ey was left hugging two skunks. -"I never knew you had it in you," she said, sounding proud. To Debarre, she said, "Did this asshole tell you why I am here?" +Ey lay there for a while, groggily trying to piece together eir thoughts on the situation. As far as ey could remember in eir still sleep-addled state, ey'd never been this close to True Name before. There had been the occasional casual touch, a few touches out of necessity --- grabbing her hand to get away from Guōweī, lifting her after End Waking's merge --- but even going back to when ey'd first met her, there'd been very little touch. It made sense, given her personality, and yet here she was, all cuddled up with the two of them. If nothing else, ey should probably decide whether or not to extricate eir arm from the situation to ease that awkwardness. -He gave her a hug before sitting down with them. "He said it had something to do with you, Ioan, and True Name, and that he needed to talk to a non-Odist. That's why I was surprised." +Ah well, ey was probably worrying too much about this, just laying there and ruminating. -She grinned. "You will have your chance, my dear. I will not be here long. I needed to step out for a moment, and figured I would catch End Waking up. I am happy to see you as well, though." +*"You almost certainly are, Mx. Bălan,"* came the barest whisper of a sensorium message. *"Especially if you are mumbling."* -"Happy to see you too. You're always welcome over to my place, too." +Ey jolted at the words impinging on eir senses, getting a sleepy grumble out of May. -"Of course, yes. This did involve End Waking, though, so alas, I could not go make you uncomfortable with my flirting." +*"Sorry,"* ey replied to True Name. -He shoved at the skunk, who giggled. +There was a note of amusement, of almost-laughter, as she sent, *"It is okay, dear. What are you worried about? You only mumbled the last bit."* -"Well, okay. What's up? You finally merge down?" +Eir mind raced as ey tried to figure out how best to explain what ey'd been cycling over. -She blinked, looking startled. "Yes, actually. How did you guess?" +*"I rolled over sometime in the night --- I do not know when, I was memory-sick --- and have been staying still to keep from waking you two. Would you like me to move?"* -"Ioan mentioned it when we talked last. How'd it go? Did she explode?" +*"No..."* ey replied hesitantly. *"But you guessed right. I hope this isn't weird or anything. If you need to--"* -"Not at all, no. Actually..." She shrugged, poking at the dirt with a twig. "Actually, I am finding myself rather fond of her, now." +*"Ioan, I asked after your preferences,"* she chided. *"I am okay, I promise."* -"Bullshit," he growled. +Ey hid the heat rising to eir cheeks by burying eir face in May's fur. *"Right, sorry. You're okay there. I'm just being awkward."* -"Debarre," End Waking murmured. +Ey felt True Name relax. *"We both are. It is comforting and awkward in equal measure. One third of me is very happy to be held, one third would really rather not be touched, and one third is simply confused. I am of three minds."* -May Then My Name waved a paw. "It is okay. You do not have to like her. You do not even have to interact with her. End Waking wanted you to know about some of the practical considerations, but neither of us are planning on swaying your opinion of her." +*"Have you finished merging, then?"* -He frowned and leaned back on his palms. "Sorry. I guess I'm just worried about you. She's not exactly known for her openness and honesty without ulterior motives, so." +There was a subtle rustle of fur against pillow as the skunk shook her head. *"I have the memories in place, but there are many conflicts yet to process. It is easier to put those on hold, at least, so that I can make fun of you for mumbling for a little bit."* -She smiled wanly. "No, she is not. A fact I have not forgotten. Needless to say, I merged down, and she is making plans to meet up with Jonas, now." +Ey smirked. *"Har har. All the same, I'm glad you made it through to this far, at least."* -"That falls more in line with practical concerns," he conceded. "And Jonas still wants both of you there?" +*"Thank you, Ioan. As am I."* -"As far as I know, yes," End Waking said. "I have spoken with True Name several times over the last few weeks and she has a plan of sorts. I do not know how successful it will be, but it is better than nothing." +They fell back into silence then. Ioan spent a while marveling at the mix of coziness and strangeness. It *was* comfortable, there with the two skunks. May was in eir arms as she should be, and True Name, similar as she was, fit well enough in the mix. The strangeness, then, came from the knowledge that she was specifically True Name. This was so counter to what ey knew of her from the years prior, especially the version of her that she'd become over the past few weeks since End Waking's merge. -"Wait, *you've* been talking with her, too?" +Ey could already tell that she'd changed, though, even beyond the fact that she'd wound up as close as this. Her speech patterns were shifting once again, losing some of their formality, finding their way back to ground from the high-minded patterns she'd picked up from her other cocladist, and yet they weren't totally those of May, either. They didn't sound the same, just more alike than they had before. -"Yes." +She was tripled, now. She was True Name and she was End Waking and she was May. Whether or not she would become something new or remain thus ey didn't think even she knew. The adjustment would certainly take time for everyone. Ey liked End Waking quite a bit as a friend, but that friendship was different than that of eirs with True Name. Ey was friends with May, but in that way that partners were still friends beneath the romance of a big-R Relationship, and there was certainly no comparison to be made between the other small-r relationships. If she was of three minds, so was ey. -He shook his head. He could already feel his hackles up, and this wasn't helping. "Can't fucking believe it." +*"Unrelated to comfort or awkwardness, I am going to get up to make coffee,"* she sent, nudging em out of rumination once more. *"I did not sleep, and if I do not have coffee soon, I shall surely die."* -May Then My Name frowned, leaned over to hug him around the shoulders, and whispered, "I am going to leave you to it, but first, remember who you were, who you are, and imagine who you will become. Let go, have fun, but above all, remember that you love him and that he loves you. Those are the rules of engagement." +May grumbled again when True Name rolled away from her, gathering the remainder of the covers and a stray pillow up to replace the space that had been left by her cocladist's absence. Ey couldn't tell if the skunk was actually awake or not, but she settled down once more, if nothing else. -After a moment's hesitation, he returned the hug. Had she said it in anything less than her most earnest voice, he might have scoffed, but as it was, he could see himself falling for the gentle manipulation as though from a meter above. He could resent her, but she had said exactly what it was that he needed to hear. +True Name sat up and scrubbed at her face with her paws, wiping the grit of sleep --- or perhaps tears --- from her eyes. She grinned down to em. *"My assessment remains. You two are so cute that it is disgusting."* -Because of course she had. She was May Then My Name Die With Me. She knew just how to. She was built to. +Stifling a laugh, ey rolled eir eyes. *"Blame May."* -"You're such an asshole," he whispered back, then kissed her cheek to take any sting out of the words. "I'll do my best. Now, shoo." +*"Way ahead of you, dear,"* she sent as she crawled out of bed. *"I will make coffee and then I will need some alone time on the plain. I will ensure there is enough for all."* -She laughed and licked at one of his whiskerpads. "Yes, yes." +There was a quiet clattering from the kitchen, mugs being shifted about and the coffee pot being set in place, doubtless another instance of her making enough noise to let them know what she was up to. -After she leaned over to pat End Waking on the knee, she stood up and stepped out of the sim. +It was enough to wake May the rest of the way, the skunk stretching out against eir front and yawning wide before she shifted about to face em. "Pillows," she mumbled, peeking down at the bundle she still held in her arms. "Oh, did I...?" -Debarre rubbed his paws over his face. "Where's your root instance? Within an hour's walk?" +Ioan nodded, placing a kiss atop her head. "She said she rolled over against you, yeah." -End Waking nodded. "Up-river, yes. Would you like me to walk you there?" +"Sorry, Ioan." -He shook his head. "Give me some time to think. There's still some of me that's stuck on dinner parties, then another chunk on this whole thing, and another still on May telling me about these rules of engagement or whatever." +"It's fine by me, I slept through most of it," ey said, chuckling. "She and I talked about it a bit before you woke up. She's confused about it, but seemed like she needed it." -The skunk smiled faintly. "Twenty minutes' walk up-river, then. He will know that you are coming." +"She is learning my wicked ways," she mumbled against eir front. "I am happy to hear that it was helpful and that you are okay with it, though." -After End Waking quit, Debarre started to trudge up the faint trail that they'd already worn heading up along the river. +"Mmhm. How about you?" -He knew that May Then My Name was right, that he probably needed to at least take into account that if Sasha and Michelle could change enough to make the Odists, then surely True Name could change enough to become someone that even her up-tree instances could like, just as he knew that he probably shouldn't take that out on his boyfriend, frustrated as he was. +May yawned again before poking her nose up against eir chin. "I do not know. I slept through it, too, apparently. It fits with what I said earlier, though. I am pleased to care for those around me." -Still, it was hard to square the image of End Waking and True Name meeting up voluntarily. What was it that he'd said when Ioan had come by asking after camping supplies? *"I need to be better to her than she might be to me"*? +"She also called us disgusting again." -*Remember that you love him,* he thought, even as he trudged up the path. *Even if you're working to undermine all that shit that she's done with Jonas, at least you still love E.W.* +"That is because we are. Is that her making coffee?" -The skunk was crouching at the edge of the stream, washing his paws after having apparently just finished gutting a trio of large trout. +Ey nodded, nudging her snout with eir chin. -"I understand if you are upset, Debarre," he said, keeping his gaze on his paws as he scrubbed rather than looking up to him. +"Good girl." -"No," Debarre said, sitting down next to him. "Or, well, I am, but it's whatever. I just don't see how something as stupid as May Then My Name merging down solves anything about this. Suddenly, you two are all buddy-buddy?" +A few minutes later, True Name returned, carrying three mugs of coffee. Ioan and May pushed themselves up to sitting so that they could accept. -End Waking shook his paws free of most of the water before drying them on the hem of his cloak. "We are not. I am pleased that she is no longer who she was, but she is not a friend. She is not me." +"I am sorry I shouted last night. I think I understand Dear's letter better now." -"But you're visiting her!" +May nodded. -"On business, such as it is. May Then My Name has asked me over a few times." The skunk finally looked at him, gaze level and expression flat. "Did you not say that you would rather she not die?" +"I was wondering if you didn't know about...all that before last night, honestly," Ioan said. -"Yeah, but that doesn't mean that you need to interact with her. I don't want her to get offed by some asshole politician, but I also don't particularly want her in my life." +"I have been fed bad and incomplete information for years now. I had not suspected just to what extent. I am still frightened, if I am honest, but I will trust you two on this. It is complicated and bound up in emotions I do not understand, but I will trust you." She shook her head. "But I cannot speak of it any more right now." -End Waking shifted from his crouch to sitting cross-legged on a rock on the bank of the river. "I do understand that, yes. I do not particularly want her in mine, either, but I am now a part of hers, whether she likes it or not. I have been able to help her process some aspects of the merge and also tell her more of how I feel to her face. Once this is over, she will not need to be a part of my life any more if I so desire, and I can move on to defining myself through something other than penance." +"Heading outside?" ey asked. -Debarre scratched a claw through the dirt of the bank, worrying a pebble free so that he could throw it into the river while he thought. Finally, he nodded, saying, "Okay, I get that. What will you define yourself as, then? Like, don't get me wrong, I'm happy you aren't her, and in part specifically *because* you aren't her, but that's not the only reason I love you." +She nodded. "Yes. I will need an hour or so of nothing but the morning and the grass." -"I do not know, my love," he said after a long silence. "If I am defined by not being her, by not being what I was, then what is left? I cannot say my love for you, because all of the clade has that to some extent. I cannot even say that I have being an Odist, because, after all these years and with all of her changes over the last few months, I am not even sure that I am that." +"Of course." -"You can be just End Waking," Debarre said gently. "Like, you can just drop the clade and be that nerd who lives in the woods." +May nodded. "Take the space you need." -The skunk laughed and elbowed him in the side. "We have rather turned our clade identity into idolatry of a sort, have we not?" +True Name leaned over enough to dot her nose against the skunk's cheek. "Thank you, dear. If you cook breakfast, I will refrain from telling Ioan embarrassing stories." -"Don't get me wrong, I like where you came from, but I won't be pissed if you drop your clade signifier. Hell, maybe you can even start saying things like 'don't' and 'isn't'." +"Asshole." She laughed. "Where did this humor come from?" -"Do not push your luck." +"Your guess is as good as mine, at this point." + +"She seems to be doing well," ey said, once she'd made her way outside and down the stairs to the prairie. + +"It helps that I did not drop a merge onto her unexpectedly. She had more to process, but more preparation to do so." + +"She said she's done getting the memories in order but working on conflicts now." + + May nodded. "About a third of the way done, then." + +"It's really gratifying to see it going so much more smoothly this time." + +"Agreed, yes," she said between sips. "I was not expecting her to turn into a cuddlebug, but I suppose that will level out before long. Was that awkward, this morning?" + +Ey shrugged. "A little, I guess. Just hard making it work in my head. Doesn't fit with what I remember of her." + +"I cannot picture you getting cozy with *just* True Name, no. I can barely picture her getting cozy with anyone, and that is certainly not even bringing End Waking's general touch-aversion into the equation." + +"I'd assume she got cozy with Zacharias, if they were together." + +May's expression soured. "We will need to talk about him soon, but I cannot talk about him now." + +"Of course." + +She made a setting aside gesture, stepping back to the previous topic. "Did that feel like crossing a boundary?" + +"Not particularly, no. It just felt like me being awkward, more than anything." + +"That is good, then." She finished her coffee and waved the mug away. "I do not know how to feel about it, myself, because I do not know what she will be like when she has finished incorporating the merge. She is not yet settled enough, so I will forgive much that I might not otherwise." + +"It's not like she was hitting on me or anything," ey said, laughing. + +She smirked. "Are you sure?" + +Ey reached over to tug on one of her ears gently. "Yes, I'm sure. I'm dense, but not *that* dense." + +The skunk tilted her head at the tug, laughing. "Has your opinion of her as a friend changed?" + +Ioan tilted eir head. "How do you mean?" + +"I do not imagine that you felt the same about her when she was just True Name as you do now about who she has become. Or is becoming, at least." + +"Well, no," ey hazarded. "But I don't know just how, yet." + +"Me either." + +They reconvened over a simple breakfast of scrambled eggs and potatoes with toast. + +"I instructed my fork to quit," True Name said by way of opening the conversation. + +"Feeling positive about the merge, then?" ey asked. + +"Yes. Having worked through some conflicts, it will not be easy, but I am comfortable with the direction in which it is going." She took a bite of toast piled high with egg and potato, chewing thoughtfully. "It is not all positive, but it has given me hope for a pleasant life moving forward." + +"Was your life unpleasant before?" When May frowned at em, ey held up eir hands. "Sorry, maybe that's impertinent. It's not important." + +True Name shook her head. "It is okay. It was, yes. It was fulfilling. I felt hopeful and comfortable with the path I had chosen. The work itself was starting to grate on me, but that had less to do with the work than the coworker. Pleasantness was never a focus for me, however." + +May, having subsided, finished her bite of toast before asking, "Did you have hope for happiness with just End Waking's merge?" + +"No. Not at all." She reached out a paw to give one of May's a squeeze, adding quickly, "Again, I understand --- now more than ever --- why you did what you did, and I do approve of it in light of what is happening with Jonas, but it was an uncomfortable duality in comparison to this more comfortable plurality and I may yet settle into a new singularity. I do not know." + +May smiled gratefully, returning that squeeze. + +"Meeting up with my fork hammered that point home pretty well. She looked...well, I will not elaborate on the differences I saw. Seeing myself through her eyes, I can tell that she was pleased as well." + +"I am very happy to hear that," May said. "Not least of which because you seem to be building a new self rather than simply a raw combination of us." + +True Name nodded, finished her plate before setting it aside. "Thank you for breakfast, May Then My Name. Your secrets are safe for another day-- ow!" + +"Your high station does not preclude you from being kicked, my dear," May said sweetly. "You deserved that." + +The skunk preened. + +Ioan watched the exchange, grinning. Beyond just what she'd said, ey could read relief in May's features. That resentment towards her down-tree instance had never quite gone away, ey knew, and, on some level, it likely never would. Still, that True Name was, as the skunks had said, rebuilding herself into a new person seemed to have brought out a new sense of friendliness within eir partner that had been lacking to that point. + +Ey wondered if she would go through a reevaluation of who True Name had been before, much as ey had. It was certainly enough that she felt more positive, but ey --- em and Codrin#Castor, perhaps --- seemed to have dropped much of that resentment that had lingered in May and so many others, though whether that was due to a difference in temperament or the relatively short time they'd known the skunk in comparison, ey couldn't tell. + +"Is it just me, or is eir mumbling getting worse?" True Name stage-whispered to May. + +She whispered back, "Perhaps the centuries are catching up to em. Is this how the Bălans crack? Should we warn Dear?" + +"Are all skunks such pests?" Ey smirked. They laughed. -"You don't have to have this sorted out, though." He shrugged, adding, "You don't even have to stop seeing True Name. I'm sorry I got angry there. I think I just got upset because any chance that you might start liking her felt like something of a betrayal." +"I mumble more when I'm stressed, that's all." -"I am a ways off yet from liking her, Debarre. I will not say never, but I have gotten to the point where I tolerate her. I will not betray you, though. You or your reactionary friends or whatever she called them." +"Are you stressed now, my dear?" May asked. -Debarre scrambled to his feet, eyes darting around through the trees. "What the fuck?" +"It's a stressful time overall, even if this particular morning is pleasant enough." -"The sim is empty, my dear," the skunk said calmly. "I empty it every time someone enters." +"It feels rather like the morning after a sleepover, yes," True Name said. -"Yeah, but--" +May nodded eagerly. -"I think about you a lot, Debarre. Certainly more than anyone else I think about. I have pieced together enough." +"I've never had one of those, so I'll have to take your word for it. Do those always come with cuddling up in the morning?" -He growled. "Well, shit. I mean, I guess I'm an obvious enough choice for it." +Both skunks splayed their ears and dipped their snouts. -"You are, yes, and doubtless the powers that be have been keeping their eye on you since the dissolution of the Council. I do not know the specifics, nor do I want to. As I said, I will not betray you." End Waking smiled wryly, adding, "And I do not think I am of much interest to any of them, anyway. I rarely leave, and I never enter a building when I do. I am more focused on my next meal than anything else." +"It depends on the sleepover," May said, adding to True Name, "Are you feeling well enough to discuss boundaries now?" -"Skunks just wanna get fat." +She hesitated. "We can begin the conversation, though I will need to address further conflicts before long." -End Waking grinned toothily. "It is not *not* true." +"To be clear," Ioan said. "I'm okay with it, it was just unexpected." -"Well, anyway. Fair enough. I don't imagine you'll be ratting us out, and you're right that they probably already know. I'm just glad that you've been sweeping the place." +True Name gave a hint of a bow. "One thing that came up in our discussions leading up to the merge is that the one with the greater restrictions in a relationship defines the boundaries. Right now, I suspect that may be one of you two. I am the outsider, here. I have never had to have a conversation such as this." -"I have never caught anyone hitchhiking on you, though I have on May Then My Name and Ioan." He shrugged, gathered up the line of fish. "But speaking of fat, can we go back to cook these? I am not ready for you to stay over, but I would like to eat dinner with you, if you are up for it." +"My comment about you building up a new self has gone a long way towards soothing any fears," May said. "I think I was worried you might incorporate my memories of the last few decades wholesale and wind up feeling exactly the way that I do about Ioan." + +True Name shook her head. "I have taken to heart your requests and declined the personal memories you suggested. There are many conflicts," she said, speaking more slowly. "Perhaps due to your feelings about me as I was, so I am not sure how I feel yet, but...well, may I speak earnestly?" + +May and Ioan both nodded. + +"On that point, I remember enough to know why it is that you love Ioan. I can see what it is that you see in em. It is as if..." She trailed off, ears pinned flat. "This is so fucking embarrassing. I am sorry. Uh...it is as though there is a world in which I could do the same, but I do not know how to get from here to there. Again, I am sorry, May Then My Name." + +There was a long silence around the table while Ioan and May digested this. True Name spent it resting her head in her paws and staring down at her plate. + +It was May who broke the silence, saying simply, "May." + +True Name sniffled and lifted her head. "Sorry?" + +"Stop calling me May Then My Name." + +"I--" + +"Do not make it weird, True Name," May said, laughing. She held out a paw toward the skunk "Just fucking call me May already." + +"Right. May," True Name said, gingerly resting her paw in her up-tree instance's. + +"I do not know how you get from this world to that one, either, should that even be something you want, but," she said, taking a deep breath, "so long as you come by that path earnestly and we discuss it in the moment, it is your path to take. Do you have any thoughts, Ioan?" + +Ey held up eir hands. "Don't look at me. I don't have a clue." + +They laughed. + +"We'll see, I guess," ey said, shrugging. "It's all way too much for me to take in right now." + +"Perhaps that is a good place to pause," True Name said. "This conversation has those conflicts begging for attention." + +"Of course, my dear," May said, giving her paw a squeeze. "Go and walk. There will be time for discussions to come, especially once we are finished with this unpleasant political business." diff --git a/content/read/037.md b/content/read/037.md index f3d4b11..f7a7a3e 100644 --- a/content/read/037.md +++ b/content/read/037.md @@ -1,112 +1,153 @@ # Debarre --- 2350 - -Debarre was still mostly full from dinner at home, but he had a few bites of fish forked from End Waking's plate. Tasty, but, as always, lacking in salt. +When Debarre received the ping from End Waking, he quickly excused himself from dinner and dashed out into the back yard to respond. The last time he'd received a message in the middle of a period of overflowing, it had been when the skunk's leg had been impaled on a branch, so he hoped against hope that it wasn't the entire tent washing away in a flood this time. It was getting on in spring --- still a bit early for floods, but one never knew... -After they ate, End Waking tasked Debarre with washing off the plate while he tucked another small log into the stove and started the kettle for tea, which they shared while sitting on the step at the entrance to the tent, keeping the last of the spring chill away. +"E.W.?" he said. "What's up? You okay? Is the tent?" -"So, my political junkie friends aside, do you have a better idea of what's going on with Jonas and company?" +"The tent is fine, my dear," he replied. "I apologize if I interrupted, but I have some news regarding May Then My Name, Ioan, and True Name, and you requested that I message you. Besides, I need to speak about it with someone other than them. Someone not an Odist." -End Waking shrugged. "A little, perhaps. I think it is this upcoming audio-video tech. I do not think he wanted--" +He frowned down to the lawn, kicking at a tuft of crabgrass. "Well, if you're getting in touch, I'm assuming it's urgent." -"Moment," Debarre said, holding up a paw while he sent a hasty message back home. "Sorry. We'd been guessing at that, just sent a confirmation. Done now." +There was a sense of a sigh from the other end. "I am sorry, Debarre." -"Please do not act on it yet, my dear." +"Fuck, I'm sorry, E.W. That came out way snarkier than intended. I understand. I only meant to ask if it was the type of thing where I should fork and come by right away." -So serious was the skunk's tone that Debarre set down his mug and turned to face him. "I won't, but you gotta tell me why." +"Please," End Waking said, sounding relieved. "There is nothing to be done, but I am very impatient to speak with someone." -"I am going to be at this meeting. I should probably not even know about their AVEC, but I do because of True Name." +"You? Impatient?" Debarre laughed. "I'll be right over." -"And given you and I, there's probably only one place I'd get it," he guessed and, when the skunk nodded, sent another message back home. "You sure this place is secure, then? And you're sending a fork, right?" +He forked off Debarre#RelEW and watched him step from the sim, then spent another few seconds looking out into the yard, trying to remember the last time anything had been so important that it had required him leaving immediately. Something other than a tree falling on his boyfriend, that is. -"Yes and yes." +"Well, shit," he muttered, turning to head back inside. "This is gonna be a mess." -"Good." +----- -End Waking smiled. "I know that you do, but it is always pleasing to have confirmation that you think so much of me, Debarre." +Debarre#RelEW was greeted by the sight of End Waking kneeling in the clearing across from May Then My Name. -"Of course I do," he scoffed. "But I interrupted, sorry. You were saying?" +"Oh, company," he said, frowning. "Wasn't expecting two of you." -"Right. With this AVEC technology, I think that Jonas sees an opening to edge True Name out. I do not know why, but she mentioned something about a diversity of governance across Systems. I do not agree with him on this. I think he is playing a dangerous game by treating each of the Systems so differently. Each System treating itself as a separate country is one thing, but potentially destabilizing them by forcing upon each a different form of governance feels like him treating politics as his personal plaything. I do not like it." +"You messaged...wait, does that mean you are a fork?" May Then My Name said, frowning at End Waking. -The longer End Waking spoke, the deeper Debarre's frown got. "Yeah, ever since they set up that Guiding Council thing over on Pollux, we've been wondering about that. It sounds innocuous enough. Reasonably close to the Council of Ten over on Artemis, I guess, at least on the surface. Just folks you can go talk to about disagreements and mediation. That part was inoffensive, but that they would even do such a thing in the face of the *History* is just wild." +"It does, yes." -End Waking shrugged. "You know more than I on that end. I do not keep up with either LV beyond what you and Ioan care to pass on. There are messages from the clade, but you know my feelings on them." +"I never knew you had it in you," she said, sounding proud. To Debarre, she said, "Did this asshole tell you why I am here?" -"Mmhm." Debarre hesitated, then added, "Though if you do wind up going through them and come across any juicy details about those politics you don't care about, you could always share them with me." +He gave her a hug before sitting down with them. "He said it had something to do with you, Ioan, and True Name, and that he needed to talk to a non-Odist. That's why I was surprised." -He laughed and shook his head. "Should my life become so boring, you will have more to worry about, my love. I am better at being a pest than you give me credit for." +She grinned. "You will have your chance, my dear. I will not be here long. I needed to step out for a moment, and figured I would catch End Waking up. I am happy to see you as well, though." -"Fine. I'll just get them from May Then My Name." +"Happy to see you too. You're always welcome over to my place, too." -"You will have to put up with her ceaseless flirting." +"Of course, yes. This did involve End Waking, though, so alas, I could not go make you uncomfortable with my flirting." -Debarre grinned. "I'm pretty well used to it by now. You're really going to go to this thing, though?" +He shoved at the skunk, who giggled. -End Waking nodded, chewing on a mouthful of tisane-bits. "Yes." +"Well, okay. What's up? You finally merge down?" -"Why, though? Isn't that gonna be dangerous? Never mind totally outside your interest. It'll all be politics." +She blinked, looking startled. "Yes, actually. How did you guess?" -The skunk was a long time in answering, staring out into the forest and listening to the far-away rush of the waterfall. "There is what Jonas hopes to accomplish and what I hope to learn. Jonas, I think, would like to gloat. He would like it known that he can loop even me into his plans. He would like even me, even the recluse, scared so that he may use me as a lever over True Name if she is to come out of this alive." +"Ioan mentioned it when we talked last. How'd it go? Did she explode?" -"And me." +"Not at all, no. Actually..." She shrugged, poking at the dirt with a twig. "Actually, I am finding myself rather fond of her, now." -"And you, yes. I do not doubt that even he knows what you are up to these days, though I do not know to what extent." He poked around in his mug to hunt down the last of the gooseberries. "I am pleased that you are so careful. I worry about you." +"Bullshit," he growled. -Debarre sat, silent. The comment all but demanded silence from him, so rare was any expression of worry from his boyfriend. +"Debarre," End Waking murmured. -"I will be going because if this is to be the end of True Name then it will be a step towards letting go. It will be an in for me to become independent. If I am to move beyond that which defines me, I would like to know how." +May Then My Name waved a paw. "It is okay. You do not have to like her. You do not even have to interact with her. End Waking wanted you to know about some of the practical considerations, but neither of us are planning on swaying your opinion of her." -"Still thinking of cutting your ties? Dropping the clade name?" +He frowned and leaned back on his palms. "Sorry. I guess I'm just worried about you. She's not exactly known for her openness and honesty without ulterior motives, so." -End Waking shrugged. "Would that be so bad? May Then My Name would become simply a friend, rather than a cocladist. True Name would become someone I know rather than a down-tree instance. I do not speak with the others. Serene, perhaps? But even then, it has been many years. It would not change my relationship with you. The forest will not care if I am an Odist or if I am not. To it, I am called Nobody, and when I die and moulder beneath the roots, then it will say that it feasts on Nobody." +She smiled wanly. "No, she is not. A fact I have not forgotten. Needless to say, I merged down, and she is making plans to meet up with Jonas, now." -Debarre sighed. Hearing End Waking talk so much was a rarity, but that the death-thoughts were still there meant it'd be a while yet before he'd be allowed back to stay. +"That falls more in line with practical concerns," he conceded. "And Jonas still wants both of you there?" -"And AwDae? The Name?" he asked. As he always did when Debarre said their friend's name, the skunk stiffened, hunched his shoulders, and drew his hood up over his head. All the same, he'd made it a point to say it at least once per visit. There had been a row the first few times, but he'd won on the point that AwDae had been his friend, too. +"As far as I know, yes," End Waking said. "I have spoken with True Name several times over the last few weeks and she has a plan of sorts. I do not know how successful it will be, but it is better than nothing." -"I do not know, Debarre. That is, I think, the one thing that I will ever defer to True Name on." +"Wait, *you've* been talking with her, too?" -He snorted. "Really?" +"Yes." -"If she, of all of us, were ever to feel comfortable speaking it, talking about em, then I will know that this embargo will have been lifted." +He shook his head. He could already feel his hackles up, and this wasn't helping. "Can't fucking believe it." -"Well, fair," the weasel said, finishing his tea before handing the mug back to End Waking to let the skunk snack on the remnants. He'd never really enjoyed them enough to do so himself. "I'm happy for you, you know that?" +May Then My Name frowned, leaned over to hug him around the shoulders, and whispered, "I am going to leave you to it, but first, remember who you were, who you are, and imagine who you will become. Let go, have fun, but above all, remember that you love him and that he loves you. Those are the rules of engagement." -End Waking laughed, swallowing the spent lemon balm and mint he'd been chewing. "Happy?" +After a moment's hesitation, he returned the hug. Had she said it in anything less than her most earnest voice, he might have scoffed, but as it was, he could see himself falling for the gentle manipulation as though from a meter above. He could resent her, but she had said exactly what it was that he needed to hear. -"Yeah. Like..." Debarre trailed off, hunting for words. "I've never seen you move forward so much all at once. Or at all, really. Like, it's not a bad thing to have a life that you're happy with, but watching you work on the things you *weren't* happy with is nice to see. Kinda glad May Then My Name talked you into the merge, honestly." +Because of course she had. She was May Then My Name Die With Me. She knew just how to. She was built to. -"It has brought me a lightness, yes. She is meddlesome, but kind-hearted." +"You're such an asshole," he whispered back, then kissed her cheek to take any sting out of the words. "I'll do my best. Now, shoo." -"You're telling me. She gave me rules of engagement when I first showed up. Thought she was being weird, but they worked pretty well." +She laughed and licked at one of his whiskerpads. "Yes, yes." -"She is a brat." +After she leaned over to pat End Waking on the knee, she stood up and stepped out of the sim. -Debarre laughed. "You all are. But hey, I should get going." +Debarre rubbed his paws over his face. "Where's your root instance? Within an hour's walk?" -The slight sag in End Waking's shoulders spoke of relief. He nodded, saying, "Of course. Thank you for the chance to talk." +End Waking nodded. "Up-river, yes. Would you like me to walk you there?" -"You'll let me know when you're going out to this meeting, right?" +He shook his head. "Give me some time to think. There's still some of me that's stuck on dinner parties, then another chunk on this whole thing, and another still on May telling me about these rules of engagement or whatever." -"Of course." +The skunk smiled faintly. "Twenty minutes' walk up-river, then. He will know that you are coming." -"And you promise you'll send a fork?" +After End Waking quit, Debarre started to trudge up the faint trail that they'd already worn heading up along the river. -"I will." +He knew that May Then My Name was right, that he probably needed to at least take into account that if Sasha and Michelle could change enough to make the Odists, then surely True Name could change enough to become someone that even her up-tree instances could like, just as he knew that he probably shouldn't take that out on his boyfriend, frustrated as he was. -"And call if you need?" +Still, it was hard to square the image of End Waking and True Name meeting up voluntarily. What was it that he'd said when Ioan had come by asking after camping supplies? *"I need to be better to her than she might be to me"*? -"Debarre, shut up," End Waking said, patting his knee. "Go. I will keep you up to date." +*Remember that you love him,* he thought, even as he trudged up the path. *Even if you're working to undermine all that shit that she's done with Jonas, at least you still love E.W.* -"Okay, okay, I'm going." He gave the skunk's paw a squeeze and grinned. "Love you." +The skunk was crouching at the edge of the stream, washing his paws after having apparently just finished gutting a trio of large trout. -"Love you too." +"I understand if you are upset, Debarre," he said, keeping his gaze on his paws as he scrubbed rather than looking up to him. -Debarre quit, rather than bothering with stepping back home. The pile of experiences caught his down-tree instance in the middle of a sentence --- thankfully something unimportant --- and he had to spend a minute reconciling the memories with the ones he'd made since. +"No," Debarre said, sitting down next to him. "Or, well, I am, but it's whatever. I just don't see how something as stupid as May Then My Name merging down solves anything about this. Suddenly, you two are all buddy-buddy?" -"Well, that was interesting." +End Waking shook his paws free of most of the water before drying them on the hem of his cloak. "We are not. I am pleased that she is no longer who she was, but she is not a friend. She is not me." -"Fuck," user11824 said. "I was worried you'd say something like that." +"But you're visiting her!" -He laughed. "You're right to worry. Shit's gonna get really weird here. Life'll get both more and less simple real quick." +"On business, such as it is. May Then My Name has asked me over a few times." The skunk finally looked at him, gaze level and expression flat. "Did you not say that you would rather she not die?" + +"Yeah, but that doesn't mean that you need to interact with her. I don't want her to get offed by some asshole politician, but I also don't particularly want her in my life." + +End Waking shifted from his crouch to sitting cross-legged on a rock on the bank of the river. "I do understand that, yes. I do not particularly want her in mine, either, but I am now a part of hers, whether she likes it or not. I have been able to help her process some aspects of the merge and also tell her more of how I feel to her face. Once this is over, she will not need to be a part of my life any more if I so desire, and I can move on to defining myself through something other than penance." + +Debarre scratched a claw through the dirt of the bank, worrying a pebble free so that he could throw it into the river while he thought. Finally, he nodded, saying, "Okay, I get that. What will you define yourself as, then? Like, don't get me wrong, I'm happy you aren't her, and in part specifically *because* you aren't her, but that's not the only reason I love you." + +"I do not know, my love," he said after a long silence. "If I am defined by not being her, by not being what I was, then what is left? I cannot say my love for you, because all of the clade has that to some extent. I cannot even say that I have being an Odist, because, after all these years and with all of her changes over the last few months, I am not even sure that I am that." + +"You can be just End Waking," Debarre said gently. "Like, you can just drop the clade and be that nerd who lives in the woods." + +The skunk laughed and elbowed him in the side. "We have rather turned our clade identity into idolatry of a sort, have we not?" + +"Don't get me wrong, I like where you came from, but I won't be pissed if you drop your clade signifier. Hell, maybe you can even start saying things like 'don't' and 'isn't'." + +"Do not push your luck." + +They laughed. + +"You don't have to have this sorted out, though." He shrugged, adding, "You don't even have to stop seeing True Name. I'm sorry I got angry there. I think I just got upset because any chance that you might start liking her felt like something of a betrayal." + +"I am a ways off yet from liking her, Debarre. I will not say never, but I have gotten to the point where I tolerate her. I will not betray you, though. You or your reactionary friends or whatever she called them." + +Debarre scrambled to his feet, eyes darting around through the trees. "What the fuck?" + +"The sim is empty, my dear," the skunk said calmly. "I empty it every time someone enters." + +"Yeah, but--" + +"I think about you a lot, Debarre. Certainly more than anyone else I think about. I have pieced together enough." + +He growled. "Well, shit. I mean, I guess I'm an obvious enough choice for it." + +"You are, yes, and doubtless the powers that be have been keeping their eye on you since the dissolution of the Council. I do not know the specifics, nor do I want to. As I said, I will not betray you." End Waking smiled wryly, adding, "And I do not think I am of much interest to any of them, anyway. I rarely leave, and I never enter a building when I do. I am more focused on my next meal than anything else." + +"Skunks just wanna get fat." + +End Waking grinned toothily. "It is not *not* true." + +"Well, anyway. Fair enough. I don't imagine you'll be ratting us out, and you're right that they probably already know. I'm just glad that you've been sweeping the place." + +"I have never caught anyone hitchhiking on you, though I have on May Then My Name and Ioan." He shrugged, gathered up the line of fish. "But speaking of fat, can we go back to cook these? I am not ready for you to stay over, but I would like to eat dinner with you, if you are up for it." diff --git a/content/read/038.md b/content/read/038.md index 14aa757..f3d4b11 100644 --- a/content/read/038.md +++ b/content/read/038.md @@ -1,485 +1,112 @@ -# Ioan Bălan --- 2350 +# Debarre --- 2350 + -Ioan quickly began to wish for boredom. They'd made it into April and so many things had happened. Assassination attempts, centuries of merging, overflowing... +Debarre was still mostly full from dinner at home, but he had a few bites of fish forked from End Waking's plate. Tasty, but, as always, lacking in salt. -Ey just wanted to be bored. +After they ate, End Waking tasked Debarre with washing off the plate while he tucked another small log into the stove and started the kettle for tea, which they shared while sitting on the step at the entrance to the tent, keeping the last of the spring chill away. -At least they'd settled into a routine once more, and it was far more comfortable than either of the previous ones --- when True Name had first moved in, and then after End Waking's merge --- so ey couldn't complain too much. +"So, my political junkie friends aside, do you have a better idea of what's going on with Jonas and company?" -True Name managed May's merge much more easily than she had End Waking's, and ey could see now the benefits of that week of negotiation beforehand. May had whispered to em one night about the final merge with Michelle and Sasha, about memories crashing down in a cascade of centuries and just how mad that final instance of True Name must have been in those final moments. Even with just one merge, she still occasionally mentioned a pressing memory or two from End Waking demanding attention nearly two months later. +End Waking shrugged. "A little, perhaps. I think it is this upcoming audio-video tech. I do not think he wanted--" -It was just another part of the routine. A rocky routine, and an exciting one, but still a routine. +"Moment," Debarre said, holding up a paw while he sent a hasty message back home. "Sorry. We'd been guessing at that, just sent a confirmation. Done now." -It wasn't all bad, of course. For every talk they had about meeting with Jonas or what role Zacharias played or some boundary one of them had crossed, there were still the pleasant meals, the shared quiet, and, ey had to admit, ey rather liked who True Name had shaped herself into. +"Please do not act on it yet, my dear." -Ey had certainly liked who she used to be, of course, though in a vastly different way --- three years of coffee dates stood as testament to that. A large part of this, ey'd realized, came with just how much more settled in herself she was. Even that drive she cherished about herself had been tempered into something smoother, less laser-sharp. She was more well-rounded, more able to relax, more able to work without it occupying the whole of her. +So serious was the skunk's tone that Debarre set down his mug and turned to face him. "I won't, but you gotta tell me why." -The weirdest part, though, had to be sleep. They spent two nights staying with True Name while she processed first the memories and then the conflicts before trying to go back to sleeping separately. +"I am going to be at this meeting. I should probably not even know about their AVEC, but I do because of True Name." -She spent the next day distracted and out of sorts, first begging off breakfast to sit outside, then joining them in the den before getting anxious and slipping off to go lay down again. That night, she woke them a few hours after they'd gone to bed, tearfully asking to join them. +"And given you and I, there's probably only one place I'd get it," he guessed and, when the skunk nodded, sent another message back home. "You sure this place is secure, then? And you're sending a fork, right?" -"This is so fucking stupid. I feel like a fucking kid," she'd said between sniffles. "I am sorry." +"Yes and yes." -May had shushed her and held up the covers for her to climb in, letting her settle back into much the same position she had those first two nights. +"Good." -It had certainly worked well enough, with Ioan rising at eir usual eight o'clock while the two skunks slept in for another hour. Later that day, May had instructed --- or perhaps reminded --- her how to get at least some comfort out of sleeping curled up with a fork. +End Waking smiled. "I know that you do, but it is always pleasing to have confirmation that you think so much of me, Debarre." -Still, once a week or so, they'd wake to her asking to join them, and eventually Ioan had given in and expanded their own bed by a half meter to make it roomier when she did. She'd at least been quite understanding when May had requested that it not be every night. +"Of course I do," he scoffed. "But I interrupted, sorry. You were saying?" -Ey was unsure of eir feelings on the matter. On the one hand, it was still intensely weird to see True Name, of all people, openly seeking affection and a shared bed, and stranger still to see May welcoming that. +"Right. With this AVEC technology, I think that Jonas sees an opening to edge True Name out. I do not know why, but she mentioned something about a diversity of governance across Systems. I do not agree with him on this. I think he is playing a dangerous game by treating each of the Systems so differently. Each System treating itself as a separate country is one thing, but potentially destabilizing them by forcing upon each a different form of governance feels like him treating politics as his personal plaything. I do not like it." -On the other, the nights when she joined them weren't unpleasant, even if it would be a while before ey was used to sharing a bed with anyone other than May. This was to say nothing about the shyness ey felt about eir body. The first few times she had joined them, ey had wrapped emself up in a sheet before leaving the bed to maintain some sense of modesty, though given that these nights had usually meant the skunks slept in, ey eventually gave up on that. +The longer End Waking spoke, the deeper Debarre's frown got. "Yeah, ever since they set up that Guiding Council thing over on Pollux, we've been wondering about that. It sounds innocuous enough. Reasonably close to the Council of Ten over on Artemis, I guess, at least on the surface. Just folks you can go talk to about disagreements and mediation. That part was inoffensive, but that they would even do such a thing in the face of the *History* is just wild." -They'd all begun seeing Sarah regularly again, which was a relief. The three of them had even met with her together on one occasion, discussing the path that had led them here and sharing some of their thoughts on how things had wound up in a structured session. +End Waking shrugged. "You know more than I on that end. I do not keep up with either LV beyond what you and Ioan care to pass on. There are messages from the clade, but you know my feelings on them." -Ioan found eir own sessions particularly helpful when it came to disentangling eir thoughts on the past. Sarah had urged em to trace eir relationship not just with True Name or May, but with the entire Ode clade from that first message of Dear's through to the present, charting eir feelings about each of them and how they differed or were the same. It helped to pull apart what it was that ey liked about them as well as what it was that left em stressed, exasperated, or just plain tired from their interactions. +"Mmhm." Debarre hesitated, then added, "Though if you do wind up going through them and come across any juicy details about those politics you don't care about, you could always share them with me." -Ey didn't know what the two skunks talked about in their sessions, whether apart or together, but it seemed productive. Not always pleasant, granted: both were left in tears after a few meetings. +He laughed and shook his head. "Should my life become so boring, you will have more to worry about, my love. I am better at being a pest than you give me credit for." -Still, through it all ey was genuinely pleased to see them happy, or at least on their way to happiness. +"Fine. I'll just get them from May Then My Name." -Ey just needed boredom and ey needed out. +"You will have to put up with her ceaseless flirting." -It took some convincing --- on all three of their parts, since ey needed to convince emself as much as True Name and May --- but eventually, Ioan worked up the courage to leave the house, seeking out some much needed solitude, even if it was only in the anonymity of public spaces. +Debarre grinned. "I'm pretty well used to it by now. You're really going to go to this thing, though?" -The coffee shop ey'd frequented for so long may have been safe, but given that eir last visit had included an attempt on a friend's life, ey opted instead for an afternoon in a library. The one ey frequented also felt fraught, given its association with all of those meetings with Jonas and so many others during the research for the *History*, so ey chose one ey'd never been to before from the directory. Besides, the information was technically available anywhere, libraries just provided a familiar physical location to access it, a social place for gathering around the topic of information, and some physical tools used for manipulating that information that individuals rarely had room for. +End Waking nodded, chewing on a mouthful of tisane-bits. "Yes." -Beyond that, though, it was the very idea of the space that appealed to em and so many others. Ey'd long ago let go of eir desire to be a librarian. Codrin#Pollux had that covered, and ey'd made eir choice, influenced as it was by eir life with May, to settle into theatre. +"Why, though? Isn't that gonna be dangerous? Never mind totally outside your interest. It'll all be politics." -That didn't remove the appeal, though. Ey could still go to the building and wander through the stacks, dragging fingertips along the spines of books or poring over maps. Ey could still go sit beside a window with a book ey may not even like and, if nothing else, enjoy the sun. +The skunk was a long time in answering, staring out into the forest and listening to the far-away rush of the waterfall. "There is what Jonas hopes to accomplish and what I hope to learn. Jonas, I think, would like to gloat. He would like it known that he can loop even me into his plans. He would like even me, even the recluse, scared so that he may use me as a lever over True Name if she is to come out of this alive." -This library had eschewed the flashy exterior of eir normal haunt, that glass-walled cube, opting instead for a low and flat structure, one that took its majesty from the way it sprawled out over its campus, buildings connected by breezeways or tunnels, scattered seemingly at random in such a way as to form irregular courtyards full of benches, gardens, or, in one notable case, a small gallery ey initially mistook for another garden, but for the fact that all of the foliage was made of glass. +"And me." -Ey liked it immensely. +"And you, yes. I do not doubt that even he knows what you are up to these days, though I do not know to what extent." He poked around in his mug to hunt down the last of the gooseberries. "I am pleased that you are so careful. I worry about you." -The busiest section of the library was far and away the wing that had been built to house the massive information dump from Artemis. This took the form of a squat, pentagonal building --- one wall for each Artemisian race and one for their shared knowledge --- that bored its way deep into the ground, a slow-sloping spiral winding down along the shelves to allow visitors to browse their way back in time until, at the very bottom, only firstrace had any material. Translation efforts would be running for decades to come, but there was more to read every day. +Debarre sat, silent. The comment all but demanded silence from him, so rare was any expression of worry from his boyfriend. -Ey stayed away from this for the day. Ey wanted cozy, not awe-inspiring. +"I will be going because if this is to be the end of True Name then it will be a step towards letting go. It will be an in for me to become independent. If I am to move beyond that which defines me, I would like to know how." -Finally, having loaded up on a few random finds --- trashy sci-fi, some contemporary phys-side fiction from decades after ey'd uploaded, even a bit of furry fiction from early in the 21st century ey considered bringing home to show May --- ey parked emself in the glass garden and arrayed the books out before em on the table. +"Still thinking of cutting your ties? Dropping the clade name?" -The sci-fi proved to be a little *too* trashy for eir tastes, and while the contemporary fiction was certainly intriguing, it was far too dense for reading when ey was trying to have a lighter, easier day. The furry book struck a nice middle-ground, at least, even if ey couldn't keep the species straight in eir head. +End Waking shrugged. "Would that be so bad? May Then My Name would become simply a friend, rather than a cocladist. True Name would become someone I know rather than a down-tree instance. I do not speak with the others. Serene, perhaps? But even then, it has been many years. It would not change my relationship with you. The forest will not care if I am an Odist or if I am not. To it, I am called Nobody, and when I die and moulder beneath the roots, then it will say that it feasts on Nobody." -Eventually, though, ey gave up and just sat in the sun, watching the way it filtered through the glass leaves and branches of the trees. +Debarre sighed. Hearing End Waking talk so much was a rarity, but that the death-thoughts were still there meant it'd be a while yet before he'd be allowed back to stay. -*No better way to realize just how tense you are than by relaxing,* ey thought. +"And AwDae? The Name?" he asked. As he always did when Debarre said their friend's name, the skunk stiffened, hunched his shoulders, and drew his hood up over his head. All the same, he'd made it a point to say it at least once per visit. There had been a row the first few times, but he'd won on the point that AwDae had been his friend, too. -Ey imagined the two skunks also would appreciate some time out of the house, too. Doubtless there were some sims they could visit that would be reasonably safe. Douglas's field, End Waking's forest...well, no longer Arrowhead Lake. +"I do not know, Debarre. That is, I think, the one thing that I will ever defer to True Name on." -"Hi Serene," ey began, starting up the simplex sensorium message before ey lost both the nerve and the train of thought. "I know it's been a while since we've spoken, so I hope you're well. I have a strange question that might turn into a really big request. After some...very dramatic events, one of our favorite places is no longer safe for us. I guess that's what happens when you just kind of adopt an abandoned sim without knowing much about it. +He snorted. "Really?" -"Still, it's become personally meaningful to us over the years, and we're finding ourselves missing it. I don't know if we necessarily need a copy of it, but would it be possible for you to come take a look at it and see about what all would go into creating something similar? It'd be a modification of my home sim. There's no rush, and if nothing else, it'd be good to say hi sometime. Talk soon." +"If she, of all of us, were ever to feel comfortable speaking it, talking about em, then I will know that this embargo will have been lifted." -Further reading was largely a failure. Ey couldn't get back into any of the books ey'd started, and a certain listlessness tamped down any desire to head back to the shelves to hunt more. Ey left them on a page's cart, an act that almost certainly just recycled the physical instances, and hunted down a cafe. +"Well, fair," the weasel said, finishing his tea before handing the mug back to End Waking to let the skunk snack on the remnants. He'd never really enjoyed them enough to do so himself. "I'm happy for you, you know that?" -Serene sent a gentle sensorium ping just as ey picked up eir tea. +End Waking laughed, swallowing the spent lemon balm and mint he'd been chewing. "Happy?" -Ey quickly stepped into another courtyard --- this one full of actual greenery, hot and humid --- in order to reply. "Hi, Serene. Thanks for getting back to me." +"Yeah. Like..." Debarre trailed off, hunting for words. "I've never seen you move forward so much all at once. Or at all, really. Like, it's not a bad thing to have a life that you're happy with, but watching you work on the things you *weren't* happy with is nice to see. Kinda glad May Then My Name talked you into the merge, honestly." -"No problem," she said, the lack of any smile in her voice quite conspicuous. "Thank you for thinking of me." +"It has brought me a lightness, yes. She is meddlesome, but kind-hearted." -"Of course, no one better." +"You're telling me. She gave me rules of engagement when I first showed up. Thought she was being weird, but they worked pretty well." -"Flatterer," she replied, a hint of the usual humor returning. It quickly fled. "Are you in a place where you can speak freely?" +"She is a brat." -"I...well, give me a moment, and I will make sure of that." +Debarre laughed. "You all are. But hey, I should get going." -Ey stepped home quickly, stopping in the entryway to sweep emself. No spies. *Thank God,* ey thought. *Wouldn't have put it past them to bug me at the library.* +The slight sag in End Waking's shoulders spoke of relief. He nodded, saying, "Of course. Thank you for the chance to talk." -Blinking a visually secured cone of silence into being, ey spoke into the sensorium message. "Okay, secure now." - -Serene laughed, "Oh, I had just meant away from crowds, no need to go through this much trouble." - -"Well, given all that's been going on..." - -There was the sense of a sigh on the other end of the message. "Yes, I suppose you are right. That is why I messaged you back, actually. While it is certainly feasible and I would ordinarily be more than happy, I am not yet ready to engage with True Name." - -"That's fair," ey said after a pause. "I know things are complicated. Do you know of any--" - -"Oh goodness, I did not say I would not do it! I will, just...not yet. Please give me some time, my dear." - -Ey frowned, looking down at eir shoes as ey scuffed one against the parquet floor. "Right, okay. May I ask how you're feeling about this, then? I've had precious little contact with...well, anyone." - -There was another sigh. "I do not know yet, Ioan. I am not unhappy for her. I am not displeased that things are coming to a head with Jonas, as that will mean there will be a change, for better or worse. I am just not yet able to engage." +"You'll let me know when you're going out to this meeting, right?" "Of course." -"Give me the address of the sim, at least. I will take a look and let you know what I think." +"And you promise you'll send a fork?" -"Peak Lake#587a9383." +"I will." -"Seriously?" Serene laughed. "I have not heard that address in decades." +"And call if you need?" -"Wait, did you--" +"Debarre, shut up," End Waking said, patting his knee. "Go. I will keep you up to date." -"It is not mine, no, but a student of mine made it. I do not imagine they still have ACLs, but I will ask." +"Okay, okay, I'm going." He gave the skunk's paw a squeeze and grinned. "Love you." -Ey shook eir head. "You guys seriously have your hands in everything, don't you?" +"Love you too." -"It is not *not* true." +Debarre quit, rather than bothering with stepping back home. The pile of experiences caught his down-tree instance in the middle of a sentence --- thankfully something unimportant --- and he had to spend a minute reconciling the memories with the ones he'd made since. -"There are billions of people here, I don't know how that'd even be possible." +"Well, that was interesting." -"How many sim designers focusing on nature do you think there are?" +"Fuck," user11824 said. "I was worried you'd say something like that." -"I haven't the faintest." - -"Well, how many of *us* do you think there are?" - -"Right." Ey smirked. "'Nominally' a hundred." - -"There you go," she said, voice sly. "We are old and we are many." - -"I bet," ey laughed. "Well, thanks for considering the request. I got something off the exchange that is less than ideal, and I miss that place. It's just got bugs." - -"Gross." - -"Very. Keep in touch, okay?" - -"Will do, my dear. Say hi for me." - -And with that, the message ended. Ey straightened up, went to rub at eir face, realized ey was still holding the cup of tea from the library, and turned the motion into taking a sip. - -Ey dropped the cone of silence and let out a shout. The ACLs had blurred the area outside the cone enough that the sight of two skunks standing just outside its edge, staring intently at em and whispering to each other caught em off guard. - -"What the hell?" - -Both skunks laughed. - -"We could ask you the same, my dear," May said, stepping up to get her arms around eir middle. "What an awkward place to have a conversation." - -"I had to get somewhere secure," ey said, voice muffled as ey placed a kiss between her ears. "Serene says hi, by the way." - -"What were you talking about that required security?" True Name asked, still grinning. - -"Nothing too serious, actually. Just an abundance of caution, there. I was seeing what it would take to get our own copy of Arrowhead Lake." - -Both skunks perked up at that. "Is that something she can do?" True Name asked. - -"Apparently one of her students made it, so she's going to ask and see if they have ACLs. Otherwise, she said she's happy to make something similar down the line. Maybe once this is all over." - -True Name nodded. "I will look forward to it. The field is fine for now when I get restless, but I miss the lake." - -Ey nodded. "Same. You going to let me in, May?" - -"Absolutely not," she said. "You will have to pick me up and carry me if you would like to enter your own home." - -Ioan poked at her side until ey found a ticklish spot. "Such a brat." - -She giggled and shoved herself away from em. "Rude. Come on, my dear. I have been pestering True Name with my monologue, and we are both bored loopy. Tell us about your excursion." - -Ey was chivvied into the living room and sat down on the beanbag so that May could slouch against eir side while True Name claimed a spot on the couch. Ey described the seemingly endless library and all its odd-shaped courtyards, then talked about each of the books ey'd picked up --- the only one either seemed interested in was the furry one, though neither had heard of it --- finally ending with, "It was good to get out. Like, really good. Got me wondering, though, how are you two doing cooped up here?" - -May groaned and slumped dramatically back onto the beanbag. "I am frankly losing my mind. I want to get back to the theatre. I do not even need to be performing, I would not mind even building sets or just falling asleep on that ratty old couch in the dressing room. I miss the stage. I miss the people. I miss drinking until two with Vos and A Finger Pointing. I miss restaurants, Ioan. *Restaurants.*" - -"Getting sick of my cooking?" - -"It is the experience I miss. Your cooking is fine." She hesitated, then shrugged. "Though you are not very good at sushi." - -"Do you feel like you are not able to leave?" True Name asked. "I do not think you would be in danger." - -"I would not wish to test that." May shrugged. "It has me anxious that both Jonas and so many of us are out there and have so much out for you. They may not be after me in particular, but I do not want to encounter any of them at the moment." - -Ey nodded. "What about friends' sims? You've been to End Waking's and Douglas's since Secession day, but I'm sure there are others who'd be willing to sweep and have you over just to get out of the house. Hell, I bet Debarre would love to see you, and he seems the paranoid sort, anyway." - -She laughed and squirmed around until she was laying on her front, tail draped over eir lap. "You are right, as always. I will ping one of them at some point." - -A motion from the couch drew eir eye. True Name slumping over onto her side and stretching out. "So many names," she said, voice distant. "I have not seen Debarre in centuries, and yet I saw him just a few weeks ago. I have not met Douglas and yet I know him well." - -"You will see them one day, my dear," May said. "I do not know when, but I do not doubt you will." - -"Not today. Not yet," True Name mumbled. The skunk shook her head, then smiled over to May and Ioan. "But *you* should, May. Go visit the field and Douglas. Go make fun of End Waking for his cooking. Go sit too close to Debarre and make eyes at him until he squirms." - -May laughed. "I do not know if End Waking has welcomed Debarre back, or I would get to do both at once." - -"Of course. Do not lose your mind when you have options yet. I will have the plain. I will have the deck. I will have planning to do, and I can lean on experience from End Waking." - -May looked to Ioan, who said, "I'm with True Name on this. Go on, get out of here." - -"Will you not come with?" - -Ey shrugged. "I don't know. That's not what we're discussing, though. We're trying to figure out how to get you out of the house." - -She smirked. "Pushing me out the door, now?" - -"No, of course not," ey said, ruffling a hand over her ears. "Just making sure you get what you need, too." - -"I am," True Name said lazily, still stretched out on the couch. "I have been you, I have a guess as to how you might be feeling." - -"I would call this mean if you were not both right," May said, waving a paw dismissively. "Give me a moment, then." - -When the skunk went silent, True Name looked to Ioan, who shrugged. - -"Alright," May said. "Would you like to do dinner with Debarre, my dear? He invited me over a while back, and I am taking him up on that." - -"Wait, tonight?" - -"He is free, so why not?" - -Ey furrowed eir brow. "I was expecting in a few days or so. Maybe, I guess?" - -"You do not have to, Ioan," she chided. "I know you enjoy alone time as much as anyone." - -"Well, ask me before you head out, then, maybe I'll get some work done in the interim." - -She leaned up to dot her nose against eir cheek a few times, laughing. "It is nearly six. I was going to head out now." - -"Wait, really?" Ey frowned, twisting around to see the light slowly fading outside. "Damn." - -"Just stay. Do your work. Enjoy a bit more solitude." - -"Alright, alright." - -She stood up and stretched, padding over to brush some of True Name's head-fur into order. "And you enjoy your time outdoors. Or melting on the couch, or whatever it is you are doing." - -"Mm. Do enjoy yourself, May." - - - -Once May had changed her clothes and stepped away, a few long minutes of silence fell. Ioan finished eir tea. True Name got lost in thought, or perhaps dozed. - -It was, ey realized, the first time they'd been alone together in weeks. The three of them had been cooped up together since both skunks had overflowed. The circumstances had rather forced their hands in the matter, at least until today. - -There was some lingering discomfort in the air, though, some careful distance between them. Something about what memories True Name had of em --- something ey couldn't possibly know --- and what that meant for them still made its presence known. It wasn't that they hadn't interacted. Far from it, actually. She'd opened up far more than ey'd expected after the merge, watching May practice her monologue, talking about the decades and centuries before ey'd known her, about the time lost between her and the 'other side of the clade', about the root of fear that drove the Odists through the centuries. And it wasn't as though they'd not touched. Though far from intimate, the nights she'd spent in their bed were beyond simple casual touches. - -But it was all still very cautious. Those nights felt like a necessity borne out of overwhelming emotion. She and May had touched plenty --- True Name had taken to resting her head in the other skunk's lap, enjoying doting affection --- but she'd maintained a sheen of that True Name-brand polite professionalism with em. Friendly, to be sure, but still distant. - -*You can just ask, too, you know.* - -"Hey, True Name?" - -"Mm?" - -"Have things been awkward since the merge?" - -She yawned and levered herself up to a sitting position again, rubbing her eyes. She certainly looked like she'd dozed off. "Awkward how?" - -"Well, I mean, we spent all that time talking about May and I's relationship beforehand, and how that would impact you." Ey pushed emself up to sitting on the beanbag as well, adding, "Which I have no clue how to feel about, to be clear. Just asking." - -"Well, we are of one mind on that front, at least," she said, smiling. "I have no idea, dear. I am...I remain confused about the conflicting memories. Something about the base of my experience of you from the point of view of me *qua* True Name over the last few years feels more...real, perhaps. May I tell you something in confidence?" - -Ey knit eir brow and nodded. "Of course." - -"Even at her friendliest and most open, May believed that these merges would make me, in some way, a more complete person. Even I began to believe such. The whole clade has spent too long accusing itself of being incomplete people based on our origins." She paused to collect her thoughts, looking down at her paws. "But she killed me, in her own kind way. She who was True Name is dead, and now I am of three minds. I am what remains of True Name and I am May and I am End Waking. There is some unified core --- there must be --- as I am not strictly May or End Waking, and perhaps that core will yet have some other name, but I am of three minds." - -"In terms of conflicts?" - -She tilted her head thoughtfully. "I do not feel the pressure of merge conflicts. Not many, at least. I feel tripled. I feel now like True Name, perhaps, and then I feel like May and some time later I will feel like End Waking. I lack the language to describe it. I felt something similar when I was Michelle and Sasha, but even that was not the same. I become less and less sure that I will be a singular person again, and so the reconciliation that remains is one of ensuring that those facets can coexist peacefully, as Sarah says." - -"I'm sorry, True Name, that sounds...I don't even know. Impossible." - -"Oh, no, do not get me wrong," she said, smiling. "It is not unpleasant. It is not what I --- or even May --- wanted, but it does not feel like a bad thing. It is difficult, however, as some contexts remain confusing. You are one of those contexts, Ioan." - -Not knowing what to say to that, ey simply nodded, feeling the flush of warmth to eir cheeks. - -"Yes, see? Look at you." She laughed. "It is complex for all of us. We are all hyper-aware of boundaries, not even wishing to test them. May is...*of* me, and now I am of her, so that boundary is smaller between us, perhaps, but we are all three very aware of *your* boundaries." - -"You're telling me," ey said, smiling cautiously. "Every time I think about it, I just wind up feeling super awkward and freeze up, so I have no clue as to how to even begin to approach it." - -"Well, here. May I sit next to you? If it is awkward, then it is awkward. If we find a boundary, we will discuss it, but then at least we will know and quit fucking tiptoeing around the topic, yes?" - -Ey stiffened, trying to cover a wave of anxiety with a chuckle. "Uh...well, sure." - -For all the confidence in her words, she looked as jittery as ey felt, if the bristle to her tail and cant to her ears was anything to go by. Ey wasn't quite sure what it was that had led her to this particular suggestion, but her expression was in flux --- now curious, now eager, now anxious --- so perhaps it was those three aspects of her searching for harmony. Still, she pushed herself up off the couch to pad over to the beanbag and settle down next to em. - -Or try to, at least. One does not simply sit next to someone else on a beanbag. The mechanics of an amorphous cushion had the skunk almost immediately slouching against eir side. She flailed as she over-corrected, nearly elbowing em in the stomach in the process. - -"Jesus...you would think...I would know how this works," she growled, pushing at the cushion to try and get herself organized. - -"Here, just-- Oh." Ey laughed as the skunk gave up and leaned forward with a groan, resting her elbows on her knees and her face in her paws. "I'd call that pretty awkward, though I don't know if that's what you meant." - -"Not exactly, no," came her muffled voice. "But I also feel dreadfully overwhelmed." - -Ey leaned away from her as best ey could to give her some space. "Sorry, True Name." - -After a few slow breaths, she shook her head and slumped over to the side, draping herself across eir lap, face buried in her arms on in the beanbag on the other side of eir legs, a jumble of skunk. "This is stupid, Ioan. This is stupid and it is awkward and it is confusing, just as expected," she grumbled. "Pet my ears, please." - -"What? Oh." Ey hesitantly brushed fingers over her ears as ey'd done countless times before with May. Her fur felt exactly the same, her voice was very similar, and were it not for the difference in clothes, the slight changes in body shape, and the benefit of almost three decades of time spent living with May, ey could probably have confused one for the other. "Too awkward?" - -"I do not know. The closer to another I get, even in just simple proximity, the more May I become, so the greater part of me is simply pleased to be touched now that we are close, and by none other than you," she mumbled against the beanbag. "But I am not her, so the rest of me is unsure of what to make of it. Completely baffled, even. Do I feel like her to you? We are cut from the same cloth, are we not? This ought to feel the same, yes? Does it?" - -"Almost exactly," ey said, then laughed. "And not at all." - -The skunk squirmed enough to get her tail off to the side and her face away from the fabric of the cushion, resting her chin on folded arms instead. "That is where I am. It is not unpleasant, and I think I may even enjoy it once the confusion subsides, but I will forever be of three minds." - -"Right. I think I understand a little better." - -She nodded. "It may yet be enough for Jonas, but even if not, I think that it will be enough for me. It is stupid and awkward, but-- no, do not stop," she interrupted herself, laughing, when ey pulled eir hand away. "Awkward, but not bad." - -They fell into thought, then. Or at least ey did. Ey kept up the careful petting while trying to tease apart eir own feelings on the matter. It all felt too big, impossible to pin down. Even trying to define what True Name was now felt far above eir pay grade. Three at once, or one after the other? Parallel or serial? Both? And yet they'd lived wholly separate, concurrent lives prior to the merges. - -Doubtless there was some way ey could just approach this simply, could just share uncomplicated time with friends. Something about the Odists just made that feel inaccessible, though. All of them were so complex in such roundabout ways, and now True Name triply so. - -*If only I could just turn off the overthinking part of me,* ey thought. Aloud, ey said, "What do you think you'll do after all of this?" - -The skunk started at the sound of eir voice. "Sorry, dear. I must have dozed off. What was that?" - -Ey smiled and ruffled a hand through the fur between her ears before petting it down again. "What will you do after this stuff with Jonas? You mentioned the change would be enough for you, but what will that look like?" - -"I will relax," she said, pushing herself slowly upright once more, slouching against eir side more intentionally, this time. "I will perhaps have a good night's sleep. I will walk sims for days. I will go camping. I will pester you and May, if you two are not sick to death of me by then." - -"No, it's fine. A break while you're camping might be nice, but I don't imagine we'll kick you out forever and never see you again," ey said, laughing. "And I hope you won't disappear." - -"I will not, you need not worry." She shrugged against eir shoulder. "Beyond that, I do not know. I may write." - -"What sorts of things?" - -"Perhaps a companion volume to your *History*. Something from the inside, such as it were. I will have had three perspectives to draw upon without doing any interviews, yes?" - -"That would've made life so much easier." - -"Why?" she said, smirking up towards em. "No shitty skunks getting you all worked up so that you yell at May?" - -"I didn't yell at her!" Ey shook eir head, laughing. "I just called her manipulative." - -"Yes, yes, and you called me a crazy in-law." She patted eir thigh. "But yes. I am most looking forward to just unclenching. I would like to travel and see friends and meet people." - -"Think you'll try and meet Douglas and see Debarre again, like May said?" - -There was a long silence, the skunk's features drawn in in thought. "I remain of three minds. A third of me would like to bask in more solitude than I already have. That me feels crowded and hemmed in. Another third of me is filled with touch-hunger and love for friends I have never met and would like to surround myself with all these people. That me is struggling with loneliness." - -"And the True Name third?" - -She sighed, bringing her tail around to groom it absentmindedly. "She is scared and unhappy and lost. She, of the three of me, is of two minds. Half of her would like to plan and scheme and wargame to rip that smug look off Jonas's face, and the other half would...but, well, there has been enough quitting in the clade." - -Ey hesitated, unsure of what ey could possibly say to those thoughts, then put eir arm around her. Ey at least knew how to comfort the May portion of her, if nothing else. - -"But come, that is enough of that," she said decisively. "Five sixths of me still want to rip that smug look off Jonas's face, so that sad-sack part of me can go have her sulk another time. I would also like to get out. I would like to go to restaurants again, yes, and even see one of your plays, should I be welcome. I want to eat greasy food and drink myself silly after performances. I want to hop sims and dream. New deadline: one month. I want out of here within one month." - -"You mean for the meeting with Jonas?" - -"Yes. I will not schedule it with him yet, just pencil it in --- I will exert my own power by giving him short notice --- but having that deadline will only help." - -"Well, we'll help you get as ready as we can until then," ey said. "And probably get ready ourselves. We'll need to tell End Waking, too." - -"Of course, dear," she said, then dotted her nose against eir cheek, one of those skunk-kisses ey'd grown so used to. - -They both froze. - -"Fuck. I am sorry, Ioan, a habit--" - -"Well, that was--" ey said at the same time, then shook eir head. "Sorry, True Name. Wasn't expecting that." - -She pushed herself quickly to her feet and began pacing before the beanbag, paws brushing over her face, from whiskers all the way up over her ears. Ey would be hard pressed to describe just how, but some faint glimmer of that portion of her that was May visibly fled her expression and that which was True Name asserted dominance. "Do not apologize. That crossed a boundary, and I need a moment." - -Ey frowned. "It was unexpected, but I don't know if it crossed--" - -"It crossed one of *my* boundaries," she snapped, then forced herself to stand still and slow her breathing as she stared out into the night through the windows. "I am sorry, Ioan. I did not mean to get snippy with you. As I said, it is awkward and confusing. I feel like I have been given control of some new, unwieldy machine and am only learning how to use it through trial and error." - -Ey nodded, tamping down the urge to apologize again. "Take the space you need." - -Her shoulders slumped and identities once more warred in her expression. "I would like nothing more than to disappear out on the plain, but I should probably stop just running away from such things." She smiled tiredly to em and held out a paw to help em stand. "Come. The least we can do is make dinner. Then we can discuss it further when your partner returns." - ------ - -May's response to the discussion of encroached boundaries, later that night when she'd returned, knocked both Ioan and True Name off-kilter. She laughed and tousled both eir hair and the fur atop True Name's head, saying, "Well, took you long enough." - -"Wait, what?" ey asked. - -"I have been placing bets with myself on how long it would take until it came up. Whichever part of me guessed 'the minute I leave you two alone together' wins, I guess." - -True Name stared coolly at her. "And here I was worried that you would blow up at me." - -"Of course not, my dear. If you are like me, then I, of all people, can guess the hows and whys." - -"It mattered quite a bit to me." - -"I do not mean to diminish that, True Name." She smiled and sat beside her, patting the skunk's paw. - -True Name sighed. "Thank you, I do believe you, it is just...a heap of complex feelings." - -"That much I believe. I want to understand better, though. How are you doing?" - -"If I say 'confused' one more time, I am going to lose my mind. I do not have a better word for it, though. I do not know how to feel about Ioan. I do not know how to feel about myself. I do not know how I feel about the touch. It was fine, I am sure, but I am starting to think that what is so jarring to me is that it was almost an automatic action." - -Ioan nodded. "It felt a bit incongruous because it's a hundred percent something you would've done, May, but not the same context." - -"And perhaps that is why it feels fine to me: it is what I would do and so I would expect nothing less from someone with so much of me as part of them now. I would like you both to feel comfortable, of course, but I am more...well, 'concerned' is not quite the right word, but focused on the emotional side than you two just physically touching," May said, shrugging. "Though I do appreciate you keeping me apprised. I trust you on that." - -"Well, thank you," True Name said, rubbing at her eyes, though whether out of exhaustion or to forestall tears, ey couldn't tell. "The other thing we discussed, though, was setting a deadline of one month to get this shit with Jonas out of the way." - -May perked up. "Are you feeling ready, then?" - -She laughed, shaking her head. "I do not think I ever will, but there is little that I can do to change that. I will change and he will do whatever the fuck he wants and I will do my best to wash my hands of it. Will you be ready?" - -"Sure. I do not imagine my part in it will be big. Just be there to witness, perhaps lose an instance if he decides to go after us, too. Have you spoken with End Waking?" - -"I sent him a simplex message," she said. "I will ping again tomorrow if he has not replied." - -"If he has not had another tree fall on him," May grumbled. - -True Name winced. "A truly unpleasant experience." - -"And you, Ioan?" - -Ey shrugged. "I've got my notes all in order. I don't want to do it at all, but I'm ready, I guess. Did you talk with Debarre about this?" - -"No. I...well, he is not ready to engage, I think. I would like End Waking to bring it up with him, if possible. I have meddled a bit much of late." - -True Name smirked, leaned over and tugged at May's tail. "You have, yes." - -May pulled her tail around to hug it protectively. "I know. I am perhaps as struck by the need to help as Ioan." - -The conversation trailed off from there, Ioan and May cozying up and chatting via sensorium messages once True Name had started to doze, using May's thigh as a pillow. She caught em up on gossip from Debarre --- one of his boyfriends visited and was, apparently, quite the looker --- and ey accused her of leaving em for the weasel, as ey always did when she visited him. - -Eventually, even they fell to silence, and when May started to nod off as well, ey roused the two skunks. "Come on, beds are comfier than couches." - -True Name nodded groggily and stood, swaying for a moment before gaining her balance once more. "Thank you two for talking this evening." - -"Would you like to stay with us tonight?" May asked. "If you are this exhausted, I imagine you need it." - -She stood silent for a few moments, then nodded. "If you are willing, yes. I am also happy to sleep out on the plain. Either would be good for me." - -"That is why I asked, yes." - -When May looked to em, ey sighed. "Perhaps tomorrow? I need a night to think on things." - -True Name's face fell, but she bowed. "Of course, dear." - -Ey reached out and gave her paw a squeeze. "Thanks, True Name. Tomorrow." - -She smiled gratefully and, after a hug from May, made her way through her room and out to her tent on the plain, visible as a bobbing lantern moving through the grass. - -Ioan and May made their way to their own bed and once they were settled in, May asked, "I do not want to push, my dear, but I would like to hear your thoughts if you need to think on things." - -Ey stretched out on eir back and stared up at the ceiling, letting May settle in against eir side to use eir shoulder as a pillow. "As nerve-wracking as it was in the moment, I think I'm just...over it. Maybe it's the fact that my introduction to your stanza was through you getting all cuddly that it just doesn't feel like a huge deal to me." Ey ducked eir chin to kiss atop her snout. "Though obviously it's complicated, since that led to you and I getting together, but you're also just a cuddly person all around." - -She tucked her snout up under eir chin, rubbing it against eir jaw at the ticklish kiss. "I am, at that. What do you mean by 'over it', though?" - -"I guess after a certain point, it just felt like the anxiety about touch was wildly out of proportion to whatever worries I had. We have other friends we get cozy with." Ey grinned, adding, "She just about fell over when she tried to sit on the beanbag. Would've been funny if she hadn't also started panicking." - -"I think she is struggling with touch-hunger." - -"She said as much, yeah." Ey shrugged, then mumbled an apology for jostling her. "I guess I'm just used to the fact that one just pets skunks." - -"That is just what one does," May asserted. "And not, I will note, what you are doing right now." - -Ey laughed and ruffled a hand over her ears before petting the fur down again. "Fine, fine. But that's what I mean, I guess. It's just how skunks are, in my experience. I'm sure some of it's my denseness around this sort of thing at play, but what made me anxious was her freaking out. She's done a pretty good job of taking our concerns to heart, but I hadn't picked up on her own anxieties until then. I'm over it, but she clearly isn't." - -"Well, perhaps all of our preparations only made her more anxious," May mumbled, chin dipped low as ey rubbed behind her ears. "She still has all of those memories of solitude and professionalism, as well." - -Given what True Name had said in confidence, ey could certainly imagine a boundary around physicality being tested even in the slightest pushing the May portion of her back and letting that of End Waking or True Name come to the fore. Ey supposed, had they internalized that better beforehand, the conversation that had followed her spike in anxiety would have been different, and perhaps more productive. Ey could have spoken to her as ey might have spoken to True Name *qua* True Name, rather than as ey might to May --- even if that original version of her was, as she had said, dead. - -The context shift had just been so fast, though, and despite all the differences ey was primed to see between them, the two skunks still looked and sounded so much alike. Oh well. If it had been fast and confusing for em, doubtless such a shift would have been triply so for her. - -"My dear, I do not know if you intended to say that out loud," May said gently. "May I respond to it?" - -"Wait, what?" Ey jolted, leading May to sit up, so ey joined her. "Oh, damn. Uh...well, when did I start?" - -"A context shift between me and True Name." - -"Shit." Ey rubbed eir hands over eir face and groaned. "Sorry, May. Uh, it was about something True Name shared in confidence." - -She frowned, nodded. "I will not ask you to betray that, of course." - -"Maybe I'm more stressed than I'm giving myself credit for, if my mumbling's getting this bad." - -The skunk's expression softened and she leaned forward to touch her nose to eirs. "I do not blame you. There is so much going on these days." - -Ey pressed eir nose to hers before leaning back and nodding. "Right, and I feel like it's all super important all the time. Oh well. What were you going to say? If I can respond, I will." - -May shook her head, and nudged em to lay back down. "No, it is okay. Whether or not you answer is probably too much information to share. I think we are both perhaps too stressed to continue, anyway." - -When she lay back down as well, ey wrapped eir arms around her and drew her in for a squeeze. "Agreed," ey said, voice muffled by her soft fur. "Maybe just focus on being cozy for a bit. Can you teach me how to go into screen-saver mode?" - -She laughed and squirmed back against em. "You are an enormous nerd and I love you a lot, Ionuț. I would, but you would just mumble more, I am sure." +He laughed. "You're right to worry. Shit's gonna get really weird here. Life'll get both more and less simple real quick." diff --git a/content/read/039.md b/content/read/039.md index 2f6370f..14aa757 100644 --- a/content/read/039.md +++ b/content/read/039.md @@ -1,301 +1,485 @@ # Ioan Bălan --- 2350 -Ioan had never been one for bars. Ey knew that there was an enormous variety of them, that doubtless some would play to eir aesthetic and likes --- the one at the base of the System Central Library came quite close --- and that not all of them subscribed to the "if it's louder, that means everyone's having more fun" school of design. +Ioan quickly began to wish for boredom. They'd made it into April and so many things had happened. Assassination attempts, centuries of merging, overflowing... -There was just something about the idea. Too much that took place in bars was, at best, confusing. At worst, it was distressing. Ey had no desire to be around the types of intoxication that bars seemed to attract. May had a list of types of drunkenness she'd gotten from somewhere, ey knew, and ey didn't like any of them. +Ey just wanted to be bored. -Still, this is where Jonas had requested that they meet when ey messaged him. +At least they'd settled into a routine once more, and it was far more comfortable than either of the previous ones --- when True Name had first moved in, and then after End Waking's merge --- so ey couldn't complain too much. -The venue was of the sultry, dark, wood-paneled variety, with warm, dim lamps hanging pendant over each of the tables and a row of lights above the bar itself. Conversations were kept low by the dimness, with groups of three or four huddled in booths while those at the bar drank alone. +True Name managed May's merge much more easily than she had End Waking's, and ey could see now the benefits of that week of negotiation beforehand. May had whispered to em one night about the final merge with Michelle and Sasha, about memories crashing down in a cascade of centuries and just how mad that final instance of True Name must have been in those final moments. Even with just one merge, she still occasionally mentioned a pressing memory or two from End Waking demanding attention nearly two months later. -Doubtless Jonas knew of eir distaste. Doubtless this had factored into his decision on venue for this pre-meeting meeting. +It was just another part of the routine. A rocky routine, and an exciting one, but still a routine. -Ah well, at least it wasn't a club. +It wasn't all bad, of course. For every talk they had about meeting with Jonas or what role Zacharias played or some boundary one of them had crossed, there were still the pleasant meals, the shared quiet, and, ey had to admit, ey rather liked who True Name had shaped herself into. -Ey stopped by the bar to get a cider of some sort --- something sweet, ey hoped; ey didn't know the first thing about ciders --- and hunted down an empty booth. The backs of the benches were straight and high, reaching up to the ceiling, leading to a secluded, if not particularly comfortable, space. There, ey sat and sipped eir way slowly through eir cider, waiting for Jonas. +Ey had certainly liked who she used to be, of course, though in a vastly different way --- three years of coffee dates stood as testament to that. A large part of this, ey'd realized, came with just how much more settled in herself she was. Even that drive she cherished about herself had been tempered into something smoother, less laser-sharp. She was more well-rounded, more able to relax, more able to work without it occupying the whole of her. -Ey'd shown up, notebook in hand, half an hour early and was half expecting Jonas to be late, sauntering in lazily at quarter past, a way of pressing the dynamic between them, but he arrived right on time, picked up a drink from the bar, and hunted Ioan down. Ey stood to bow to Jonas, then froze. Zacharias stepped into the sim, as well, grinned widely at the sight of Ioan mid-bow. Before even making his way to the table, the fox gave an exaggerated curtsey. +The weirdest part, though, had to be sleep. They spent two nights staying with True Name while she processed first the memories and then the conflicts before trying to go back to sleeping separately. -"Ioan, wonderful to see you again," Jonas said, grinning. "My most foppish lackey decided to tag along, I trust you won't mind." +She spent the next day distracted and out of sorts, first begging off breakfast to sit outside, then joining them in the den before getting anxious and slipping off to go lay down again. That night, she woke them a few hours after they'd gone to bed, tearfully asking to join them. -"Of course," ey said through gritted teeth. "The more the merrier." +"This is so fucking stupid. I feel like a fucking kid," she'd said between sniffles. "I am sorry." -"Precisely, precisely." Jonas raised his martini glass in a toast and gestured back to the booth and Ioan's half-finished drink. "Shall we?" +May had shushed her and held up the covers for her to climb in, letting her settle back into much the same position she had those first two nights. -Ey nodded and slid back into the booth while Jonas scooted in on the other side of the table, leaving room for Zacharias. +It had certainly worked well enough, with Ioan rising at eir usual eight o'clock while the two skunks slept in for another hour. Later that day, May had instructed --- or perhaps reminded --- her how to get at least some comfort out of sleeping curled up with a fork. -The fox was only a moment in arriving, showing up with some shockingly yellow drink in a coupe glass. "Ioan, my dear. Wonderful to see you again." +Still, once a week or so, they'd wake to her asking to join them, and eventually Ioan had given in and expanded their own bed by a half meter to make it roomier when she did. She'd at least been quite understanding when May had requested that it not be every night. -"Please don't call me 'my dear'," ey said, setting up a cone of silence. There was anger, there, somewhere beneath the surface, but ey was somewhat surprised to feel it almost completely overridden by exhaustion, something ey hadn't felt before the two had arrived. +Ey was unsure of eir feelings on the matter. On the one hand, it was still intensely weird to see True Name, of all people, openly seeking affection and a shared bed, and stranger still to see May welcoming that. -"My love? My--" he began, voice mocking. There was a thump beneath the table and he quickly cut off with a loud yelp, jolting away from Jonas, eyes wide. +On the other, the nights when she joined them weren't unpleasant, even if it would be a while before ey was used to sharing a bed with anyone other than May. This was to say nothing about the shyness ey felt about eir body. The first few times she had joined them, ey had wrapped emself up in a sheet before leaving the bed to maintain some sense of modesty, though given that these nights had usually meant the skunks slept in, ey eventually gave up on that. -"Shut up, Zacharias," Jonas said mildly, plucking the maraschino cherry out of his drink and dropping it in the fox's. "Business now, prattle later." +They'd all begun seeing Sarah regularly again, which was a relief. The three of them had even met with her together on one occasion, discussing the path that had led them here and sharing some of their thoughts on how things had wound up in a structured session. -Zacharias sat, frozen, for a moment longer before wiping up some of his spilled drink with a bar napkin. His eyes were still wide, darting between Ioan and his boss. "Right." +Ioan found eir own sessions particularly helpful when it came to disentangling eir thoughts on the past. Sarah had urged em to trace eir relationship not just with True Name or May, but with the entire Ode clade from that first message of Dear's through to the present, charting eir feelings about each of them and how they differed or were the same. It helped to pull apart what it was that ey liked about them as well as what it was that left em stressed, exasperated, or just plain tired from their interactions. -*Another show of power, most likely,* ey thought. *Why else bring him with?* +Ey didn't know what the two skunks talked about in their sessions, whether apart or together, but it seemed productive. Not always pleasant, granted: both were left in tears after a few meetings. -"So," ey said aloud. "As I said in the message, We'd like to meet in two days' time. Systime 251+139, 11:00." +Still, through it all ey was genuinely pleased to see them happy, or at least on their way to happiness. -Mid-sip, Jonas waved his hand vaguely. "Of course, of course," he said, setting his glass back down. "Whenever you're ready, like I said. But come, how are you Ioan? You look tired." +Ey just needed boredom and ey needed out. -Ey stared at him, trying to piece together how worth it was to actually answer the question. Ey *was* tired, yes. The night before had been a stressful one once ey'd received the request for this additional meeting from Jonas. True Name stayed up late in conversation with both May and End Waking about some clade business ey'd not been privy to, leading to em pacing in the darkened yard for nearly an hour, spring lilacs leaving the air almost too thick to breathe. Ey'd eventually given up on waiting for the skunks. Ey knew if ey stayed up any later, ey'd simply wind up standing at the windows and watching their fire out on the plain. +It took some convincing --- on all three of their parts, since ey needed to convince emself as much as True Name and May --- but eventually, Ioan worked up the courage to leave the house, seeking out some much needed solitude, even if it was only in the anonymity of public spaces. -*"I think I'm going to head to bed,"* ey had sent May. *"I'm just going to keep cycling if I stay up."* +The coffee shop ey'd frequented for so long may have been safe, but given that eir last visit had included an attempt on a friend's life, ey opted instead for an afternoon in a library. The one ey frequented also felt fraught, given its association with all of those meetings with Jonas and so many others during the research for the *History*, so ey chose one ey'd never been to before from the directory. Besides, the information was technically available anywhere, libraries just provided a familiar physical location to access it, a social place for gathering around the topic of information, and some physical tools used for manipulating that information that individuals rarely had room for. -There was a hint of a whine to her reply. *"I am sorry, Ioan, I did not realize how late it had gotten. Do you want me to send a fork back?"* +Beyond that, though, it was the very idea of the space that appealed to em and so many others. Ey'd long ago let go of eir desire to be a librarian. Codrin#Pollux had that covered, and ey'd made eir choice, influenced as it was by eir life with May, to settle into theatre. -*"I don't know, will they be intolerable and antsy?"* +That didn't remove the appeal, though. Ey could still go to the building and wander through the stacks, dragging fingertips along the spines of books or poring over maps. Ey could still go sit beside a window with a book ey may not even like and, if nothing else, enjoy the sun. -*"Oh, absolutely,"* she had replied, and ey could hear the grin in her voice. *"But I will still send one if you would like."* +This library had eschewed the flashy exterior of eir normal haunt, that glass-walled cube, opting instead for a low and flat structure, one that took its majesty from the way it sprawled out over its campus, buildings connected by breezeways or tunnels, scattered seemingly at random in such a way as to form irregular courtyards full of benches, gardens, or, in one notable case, a small gallery ey initially mistook for another garden, but for the fact that all of the foliage was made of glass. -*"No, it's alright. Just no sleeping out there, okay?"* +Ey liked it immensely. -*"Of course. We will return soon."* +The busiest section of the library was far and away the wing that had been built to house the massive information dump from Artemis. This took the form of a squat, pentagonal building --- one wall for each Artemisian race and one for their shared knowledge --- that bored its way deep into the ground, a slow-sloping spiral winding down along the shelves to allow visitors to browse their way back in time until, at the very bottom, only firstrace had any material. Translation efforts would be running for decades to come, but there was more to read every day. -It was nearly two hours later when the skunks had returned as promised. Two hours of tossing and turning in bed, fretting and fretting and fretting. Eventually, they had fallen into their usual positions, though despite the added rest that this usually brought True Name, none of them had slept well. +Ey stayed away from this for the day. Ey wanted cozy, not awe-inspiring. -When there was no wink and smile from Jonas, ey let eir shoulders sag and nodded. "Tired, yeah. We're all tired. Just want this over with." +Finally, having loaded up on a few random finds --- trashy sci-fi, some contemporary phys-side fiction from decades after ey'd uploaded, even a bit of furry fiction from early in the 21st century ey considered bringing home to show May --- ey parked emself in the glass garden and arrayed the books out before em on the table. -"And True Name? How's she?" he asked, still apparently sincere. +The sci-fi proved to be a little *too* trashy for eir tastes, and while the contemporary fiction was certainly intriguing, it was far too dense for reading when ey was trying to have a lighter, easier day. The furry book struck a nice middle-ground, at least, even if ey couldn't keep the species straight in eir head. -"Look, Jonas, what are you after? We're tired. She's upset. We just want to get on with our lives, and it's all on you." +Eventually, though, ey gave up and just sat in the sun, watching the way it filtered through the glass leaves and branches of the trees. -"Well, sure, but now my workload's doubled," he said, and there at last was the wink. "Though in all seriousness, I'm just trying to gauge what to expect. May Then My Name and End Waking will be there, too, right?" +*No better way to realize just how tense you are than by relaxing,* ey thought. -"Yes," ey said coolly, adding to Zacharias, "Will you?" +Ey imagined the two skunks also would appreciate some time out of the house, too. Doubtless there were some sims they could visit that would be reasonably safe. Douglas's field, End Waking's forest...well, no longer Arrowhead Lake. -"Would not miss it for the world," the fox said. His ebullience was notably restrained, still, but the grin had returned. He tapped the side of his snout, "Cartoonishly evil, remember?" +"Hi Serene," ey began, starting up the simplex sensorium message before ey lost both the nerve and the train of thought. "I know it's been a while since we've spoken, so I hope you're well. I have a strange question that might turn into a really big request. After some...very dramatic events, one of our favorite places is no longer safe for us. I guess that's what happens when you just kind of adopt an abandoned sim without knowing much about it. -*I liked you better when Jonas was stomping on your toes,* ey thought. +"Still, it's become personally meaningful to us over the years, and we're finding ourselves missing it. I don't know if we necessarily need a copy of it, but would it be possible for you to come take a look at it and see about what all would go into creating something similar? It'd be a modification of my home sim. There's no rush, and if nothing else, it'd be good to say hi sometime. Talk soon." -"So you said," ey said aloud. +Further reading was largely a failure. Ey couldn't get back into any of the books ey'd started, and a certain listlessness tamped down any desire to head back to the shelves to hunt more. Ey left them on a page's cart, an act that almost certainly just recycled the physical instances, and hunted down a cafe. -"And how is May Then My Name?" Zacharias asked. "I know precious little about my down-tree instance, you know. I trust that she is well?" +Serene sent a gentle sensorium ping just as ey picked up eir tea. -"She is also upset." +Ey quickly stepped into another courtyard --- this one full of actual greenery, hot and humid --- in order to reply. "Hi, Serene. Thanks for getting back to me." -The fox gasped, mock-effrontery filling his voice. "Not because of me!" +"No problem," she said, the lack of any smile in her voice quite conspicuous. "Thank you for thinking of me." -"It has been a stressful few months. She doesn't want True Name coming to any harm, either." +"Of course, no one better." -Zacharias scoffed. +"Flatterer," she replied, a hint of the usual humor returning. It quickly fled. "Are you in a place where you can speak freely?" -Ey put on eir best smile. "Though yes, she told me that she knew there were still old forks around, but that she'd left them to their own devices and knew nothing about them, so she's surprised to have met you." +"I...well, give me a moment, and I will make sure of that." -"How very diplomatic," he replied, grinning. "Well, I can assure you that the pleasure was all mine." +Ey stepped home quickly, stopping in the entryway to sweep emself. No spies. *Thank God,* ey thought. *Wouldn't have put it past them to bug me at the library.* -"So why am I here?" +Blinking a visually secured cone of silence into being, ey spoke into the sensorium message. "Okay, secure now." -Jonas shrugged. "You mean aside from the fact that I get to see your face when you talk about your skunks? It's fun dragging people around." +Serene laughed, "Oh, I had just meant away from crowds, no need to go through this much trouble." -Restraining the urge to bridle at 'your skunks', ey gave a hint of a bow. "And what can you tell me about this meeting? I imagine you've got some grand plans about surprising True Name with your ideas for the future, but if nothing else, it'd help me to know what I'm getting into before I get into it." +"Well, given all that's been going on..." -"Oh, excellent question!" +There was the sense of a sigh on the other end of the message. "Yes, I suppose you are right. That is why I messaged you back, actually. While it is certainly feasible and I would ordinarily be more than happy, I am not yet ready to engage with True Name." -Ey posted the cap of eir pen and nodded for Jonas to continue. +"That's fair," ey said after a pause. "I know things are complicated. Do you know of any--" -"I said it was an excellent question, not that I'd answer you, Ioan." +"Oh goodness, I did not say I would not do it! I will, just...not yet. Please give me some time, my dear." -"I think you will." +Ey frowned, looking down at eir shoes as ey scuffed one against the parquet floor. "Right, okay. May I ask how you're feeling about this, then? I've had precious little contact with...well, anyone." -"And why's that?" +There was another sigh. "I do not know yet, Ioan. I am not unhappy for her. I am not displeased that things are coming to a head with Jonas, as that will mean there will be a change, for better or worse. I am just not yet able to engage." -"Because you love to hear yourself talk," ey said. "And because Zacharias is right. This is almost cartoonishly evil, and villains love talking about their grand schemes. I'm ready for your monologue." +"Of course." -Jonas raised his eyebrows and a slow grin spread over his features. That feverish glint ey'd seen last time shone through for a moment before it was suppressed again. The idea that Jonas might be losing it made em anxious. *Stretched too thin, maybe?* +"Give me the address of the sim, at least. I will take a look and let you know what I think." -"You see, this is why I like you, Ioan," Jonas said. "The whole Bălan clade, that is. You hit that sweet spot between patient and impatient where you can stay calm, but you don't just wait forever." +"Peak Lake#587a9383." -Ey waited. +"Seriously?" Serene laughed. "I have not heard that address in decades." -"Alright then, a bit of a preview." He finished half of his drink in a few swallows. "There's a bunch of changes coming in the pipeline--" +"Wait, did you--" -"This AVEC?" +"It is not mine, no, but a student of mine made it. I do not imagine they still have ACLs, but I will ask." -Zacharias frowned, but Jonas was already nodding, "Got it in one. That's right at the top of the list. See, the LVs are too far away to communicate effectively with phys-side, getting further every day, and that puts us in a unique position, here. Suddenly, we differ from the LVs in a fundamental way. I really can't overstate how big of a deal this is, Ioan." +Ey shook eir head. "You guys seriously have your hands in everything, don't you?" -"Suddenly we have to prove our greener grass to those phys-side." +"It is not *not* true." -"Right. The direction that we need to take with Lagrange can't just be the same old one we've been taking before. In this, True Name and I differ." He shrugged, rocking his glass gently back and forth on the table before taking another sip. "She wanted to continue on her path of subtlety, I disagreed." +"There are billions of people here, I don't know how that'd even be possible." -Ey snorted. "Disagreed? You tried to assassinate her, Jonas." +"How many sim designers focusing on nature do you think there are?" -"What are bullets but a disagreement?" +"I haven't the faintest." -Ioan rolled eir eyes. +"Well, how many of *us* do you think there are?" -"You and I disagree, then. It's like I said, though, sometimes mommies and daddies fight, Ioan. We've spent the past few years trying to hash it out. For all her focus on subtlety in guiding the System, she can be a real bitch when it comes to trying to get her point across." +"Right." Ey smirked. "'Nominally' a hundred." -"Bullshit," ey said flatly. +"There you go," she said, voice sly. "We are old and we are many." -Jonas laughed. "Oh?" +"I bet," ey laughed. "Well, thanks for considering the request. I got something off the exchange that is less than ideal, and I miss that place. It's just got bugs." -"Yeah. A few reasons." Ey started ticking off points on eir fingers as ey spoke. "First, True Name didn't start down this path in the last few years that we've been learning from Artemis; she was a mess when she first got in touch with us with Codrin#Castor's first letter during convergence, so things were already in motion then. Second, The Guiding Council on Pollux is almost two decades old now, predating the arrival of the Artemisians by years, and I think that's because third, you--" Ey nodded to Zacharias. "--apparently dropped everything on her across all three Systems at the same time not that long after the launch. You two got more openly together on Pollux, and as far as Codrin#Castor can find in the perisystem, you quit shortly after telling her there. End Waking thinks --- and I agree --- you're trying to push each of the Systems in a different direction politically. Maybe you think having different political environments is more stable across societies separated by distance and time. Maybe it's some giant experiment. Who knows. It's your long game." +"Gross." -The longer ey spoke, the more serious Jonas's expression grew, and by the time ey finished, he'd leaned back in his seat. "Well then," he said. "I suppose I don't have much more to add, then, do I? I have my conversation with True Name cut out for me." +"Very. Keep in touch, okay?" -"And what conversation is that?" +"Will do, my dear. Say hi for me." -Jonas was back to grinning. "Oh, fuck off, Ioan. I'm not going to tell you all of my secrets! We have our shit to work through and you have to be a good little clerk and take all of your notes so that you can come back to me with a story to publish. That'll seal the deal, and we'll be ready to go our separate ways." +And with that, the message ended. Ey straightened up, went to rub at eir face, realized ey was still holding the cup of tea from the library, and turned the motion into taking a sip. -Ey gave a hint of a bow. "As you say. It's settled, then, right? Two days, 11:00?" +Ey dropped the cone of silence and let out a shout. The ACLs had blurred the area outside the cone enough that the sight of two skunks standing just outside its edge, staring intently at em and whispering to each other caught em off guard. -"That it is. Bring your pen and paper," Jonas said, lifting his glass in a final toast before downing his drink in one go. +"What the hell?" -"Right." +Both skunks laughed. -Ey didn't hear if there was a reply or not. Ey simply quit. #Tracker could take care of the rest. +"We could ask you the same, my dear," May said, stepping up to get her arms around eir middle. "What an awkward place to have a conversation." -Ioan#Tracker set eir pen down with exaggerated care, closing eir notebook, then eir eyes. This was anger in so many ways, though it differed from that hot, spiky shape spinning within em that came with Zacharias's bullshit. It was a pressure within eir chest, a tension in eir shoulders, a pounding in eir head. +"I had to get somewhere secure," ey said, voice muffled as ey placed a kiss between her ears. "Serene says hi, by the way." -"*Fuck!*" ey shouted. Ey fell back into the paced breathing exercises that Sarah had showed em years ago. It had originally been in the context of helping May, at the time, but ey needed anything ey could get, now. +"What were you talking about that required security?" True Name asked, still grinning. -"*I take it you are back, then?*" May's words over the sensorium message were tentative, anxious. Clearly tension was still high. +"Nothing too serious, actually. Just an abundance of caution, there. I was seeing what it would take to get our own copy of Arrowhead Lake." -"*Yes. I'm coming outside,*" ey replied. +Both skunks perked up at that. "Is that something she can do?" True Name asked. -Ey didn't wait for the ping of acknowledgement. Even if they weren't ready for em to be out there, ey needed to talk at least a little, get some of the weight of the conversation off eir shoulders. Ey needed to be around eir partner and friends. Ey needed to be out of that context, away from pens and paper and books and work. +"Apparently one of her students made it, so she's going to ask and see if they have ACLs. Otherwise, she said she's happy to make something similar down the line. Maybe once this is all over." -The afternoon was settling into evening, and the plain was littered with dozens of skunks. As ey walked toward True Name's tent, though, they began to quit in small groups until it was just the three root instances kneeling around a small fire, over which they were roasting sausages. +True Name nodded. "I will look forward to it. The field is fine for now when I get restless, but I miss the lake." -After bowing to End Waking and getting eir hug and skunk-kiss from both May and True Name, ey sat cross-legged between them. Once ey'd gathered emself, ey said, "That was a whole lot of bullshit. How far off is food?" +Ey nodded. "Same. You going to let me in, May?" -End Waking used the tip of his knife to nudge at a few of the sausages, turning them over on the grill cantilevered over the fire. "Not long. Would you prefer to wait to share, then?" +"Absolutely not," she said. "You will have to pick me up and carry me if you would like to enter your own home." -"Yeah. Maybe if I have food in me, I won't shout." +Ioan poked at her side until ey found a ticklish spot. "Such a brat." -"That was quite loud, my dear," May said, claiming one of eir hands to hold. "I am glad you did not die." +She giggled and shoved herself away from em. "Rude. Come on, my dear. I have been pestering True Name with my monologue, and we are both bored loopy. Tell us about your excursion." -Dinner was quiet, but not unpleasant. Gentle wind through the grass, the crackling of the fire and the spit of grease from the sausages, the gamy tang of ground venison tempered with barley and herbs. +Ey was chivvied into the living room and sat down on the beanbag so that May could slouch against eir side while True Name claimed a spot on the couch. Ey described the seemingly endless library and all its odd-shaped courtyards, then talked about each of the books ey'd picked up --- the only one either seemed interested in was the furry one, though neither had heard of it --- finally ending with, "It was good to get out. Like, really good. Got me wondering, though, how are you two doing cooped up here?" -"Did he wind you up that badly?" May asked once they'd finished. +May groaned and slumped dramatically back onto the beanbag. "I am frankly losing my mind. I want to get back to the theatre. I do not even need to be performing, I would not mind even building sets or just falling asleep on that ratty old couch in the dressing room. I miss the stage. I miss the people. I miss drinking until two with Vos and A Finger Pointing. I miss restaurants, Ioan. *Restaurants.*" -"Well, yes and no. He and Zacharias were both there." +"Getting sick of my cooking?" -Both May and True Name flinched at the name, True Name's shoulders slumping. "So, yes. Winding you up." +"It is the experience I miss. Your cooking is fine." She hesitated, then shrugged. "Though you are not very good at sushi." -Ey nodded. "I'd guessed that much, at least. I think the whole meeting was a form of that. He even admitted such, saying that he set it up mostly so that he could 'drag me around'. I called him on it." +"Do you feel like you are not able to leave?" True Name asked. "I do not think you would be in danger." -"I do not imagine that did any good," End Waking mumbled. +"I would not wish to test that." May shrugged. "It has me anxious that both Jonas and so many of us are out there and have so much out for you. They may not be after me in particular, but I do not want to encounter any of them at the moment." -"Oh, not at all. The thing is, it wasn't just winding me up, though. I also think he just wanted to hear himself talk. I think he wanted to talk about all his plans because he knows his words are going to wind up in whatever I write, so he wants to get all that he can in there." +Ey nodded. "What about friends' sims? You've been to End Waking's and Douglas's since Secession day, but I'm sure there are others who'd be willing to sweep and have you over just to get out of the house. Hell, I bet Debarre would love to see you, and he seems the paranoid sort, anyway." -"And worded as he would like," True Name said, nodding. "No matter what we manage to come up with, he wants to ensure that the narrative has him coming out on top." +She laughed and squirmed around until she was laying on her front, tail draped over eir lap. "You are right, as always. I will ping one of them at some point." -"I still don't understand, though," ey said. "Why be so transparently villainous if he's specifically having me write something to be read by the public?" +A motion from the couch drew eir eye. True Name slumping over onto her side and stretching out. "So many names," she said, voice distant. "I have not seen Debarre in centuries, and yet I saw him just a few weeks ago. I have not met Douglas and yet I know him well." -"The same reason I wound you and Codrin up. If it is just a little too sensational to be real, then he can get away with more than he might otherwise. Jonas assassinating True Name? True Name who probably assassinated Qoheleth? It is just too much to be real, but it sure is good reading, is it not?" +"You will see them one day, my dear," May said. "I do not know when, but I do not doubt you will." -"Makes me feel like something of a punching bag," ey said, then sighed. "I think I'm starting to understand what Codrin#Castor was talking about in terms of getting yanked around a bit better." +"Not today. Not yet," True Name mumbled. The skunk shook her head, then smiled over to May and Ioan. "But *you* should, May. Go visit the field and Douglas. Go make fun of End Waking for his cooking. Go sit too close to Debarre and make eyes at him until he squirms." -True Name winced and averted her gaze. "I am sorry, Mx. Bălan." +May laughed. "I do not know if End Waking has welcomed Debarre back, or I would get to do both at once." -"Shit, I'm sorry." Ey reached over to give the skunk's paw a squeeze. "That was a different time, I'm not trying to put that on you now." +"Of course. Do not lose your mind when you have options yet. I will have the plain. I will have the deck. I will have planning to do, and I can lean on experience from End Waking." -She patted the back of eir hand with her other paw, a somewhat stiff gesture, and, as always when the topic of strife in the past came up, ey could sense more of End Waking in her than True Name or May. "Thank you, Ioan. I do appreciate it. It is an unfortunate reality that politics is the science of yanking people around. Add in being an actor, and, well," she said, then shrugged. +May looked to Ioan, who said, "I'm with True Name on this. Go on, get out of here." -"I understand, yeah." Ey retrieved eir hand, choosing instead to gently tug May closer. She leaned against eir side gratefully. "Do you have a plan you think might work out, then? You don't have to tell me, I know you're keeping it amongst yourselves." +"Will you not come with?" -End Waking nodded. "There is a good chance of it working, yes. Not a perfect chance, and there are many possible holes that he may exploit in the moment." +Ey shrugged. "I don't know. That's not what we're discussing, though. We're trying to figure out how to get you out of the house." -True Name nodded. "If nothing else, I think that it will buy me a quiet retirement." +She smirked. "Pushing me out the door, now?" -"A quiet retirement alive is still good, right? It'll be a life," ey said. +"No, of course not," ey said, ruffling a hand over her ears. "Just making sure you get what you need, too." -"It may not be an ideal life, but it will be a life, yes." +"I am," True Name said lazily, still stretched out on the couch. "I have been you, I have a guess as to how you might be feeling." -"And hopefully still a good one, in the end," May added. +"I would call this mean if you were not both right," May said, waving a paw dismissively. "Give me a moment, then." -"Yes. If I am honest, a less than ideal but still good life is far more than I had in front of me even before all of this nonsense." She smiled wryly. "Perhaps I ought to thank him for that. I am not unhappy with what I have now, even." +When the skunk went silent, True Name looked to Ioan, who shrugged. -The conversation wound down from there, and as evening dimmed into night, they fell into silence. The fire was kept low, only enough light and warmth to keep the dark at bay. +"Alright," May said. "Would you like to do dinner with Debarre, my dear? He invited me over a while back, and I am taking him up on that." -Eventually, with eir lower back hurting and May starting to nod off, they made their goodnights. True Name gave em and May each a hug around the shoulders and a nose-dot to the cheek --- something they'd all grown more comfortable with over the last few weeks --- and padded off to her tent. End Waking stated that he was going to watch the fire for a while longer and then head to bed himself --- he'd set up a tent of his own a ways off from True Name's for this fork to sleep in --- leaving May and Ioan to walk back to the house together in the dark. +"Wait, tonight?" -"I'm happy to hear her talking about a future," Ioan said, once they'd cleaned up and made their way to bed, em slouched against the headboard and May in eir lap, slouched against eir front in turn. +"He is free, so why not?" -"I am too, yes. I am pleased that other than a few short fits, she has been at worst determined, and at best hopeful." +Ey furrowed eir brow. "I was expecting in a few days or so. Maybe, I guess?" -Ey nodded and tucked eir chin up over the skunk's head. "I think that's where I am, yeah. I want this over with, and sometimes it even feels like this might even be the best outcome for everyone." +"You do not have to, Ioan," she chided. "I know you enjoy alone time as much as anyone." -"For everyone?" +"Well, ask me before you head out, then, maybe I'll get some work done in the interim." -"Well, Jonas gets what he wants and he can go play his games elsewhere, End Waking gets his feelings understood, and True Name gets to go live a life doing whatever it is she wants, right?" +She leaned up to dot her nose against eir cheek a few times, laughing. "It is nearly six. I was going to head out now." -She nodded. "And what of us?" +"Wait, really?" Ey frowned, twisting around to see the light slowly fading outside. "Damn." -Ey chuckled, the sound somewhat muffled by the position. "Well, I'll be happy for her, and you and I will continue being disgustingly adorable or whatever it is she accuses us of being." +"Just stay. Do your work. Enjoy a bit more solitude." -May laughed. "Well, yes. I will be happy for her and will continue loving you." +"Alright, alright." -"Love you too, May." +She stood up and stretched, padding over to brush some of True Name's head-fur into order. "And you enjoy your time outdoors. Or melting on the couch, or whatever it is you are doing." -"See? Gross." She giggled and hugged tighter around eir middle. "Will you let her continue to live here?" +"Mm. Do enjoy yourself, May." -Shrugging carefully, ey murmured, "It'll be a conversation between the three of us. I've gotten used to it, so I'm happy to have her stick around if she wants." + -"Same," the skunk said. "It is not perfect, but nothing that cannot be fixed by modifying the sim and nailing down some boundaries." +Once May had changed her clothes and stepped away, a few long minutes of silence fell. Ioan finished eir tea. True Name got lost in thought, or perhaps dozed. -"I'm looking forward to getting in touch with Serene, yeah." Ey hesitated, then asked gently, "Are there boundaries she's crossed?" +It was, ey realized, the first time they'd been alone together in weeks. The three of them had been cooped up together since both skunks had overflowed. The circumstances had rather forced their hands in the matter, at least until today. -"No, I do not think so, but it might be nice to understand the shape of our friendships when we are not waiting on some potentially life-or-death event." +There was some lingering discomfort in the air, though, some careful distance between them. Something about what memories True Name had of em --- something ey couldn't possibly know --- and what that meant for them still made its presence known. It wasn't that they hadn't interacted. Far from it, actually. She'd opened up far more than ey'd expected after the merge, watching May practice her monologue, talking about the decades and centuries before ey'd known her, about the time lost between her and the 'other side of the clade', about the root of fear that drove the Odists through the centuries. And it wasn't as though they'd not touched. Though far from intimate, the nights she'd spent in their bed were beyond simple casual touches. -"I still get tripped up over you even calling her a friend," ey said, grinning. "If she'd needed to move in even a year ago, I think you would've ripped her head off two days in." +But it was all still very cautious. Those nights felt like a necessity borne out of overwhelming emotion. She and May had touched plenty --- True Name had taken to resting her head in the other skunk's lap, enjoying doting affection --- but she'd maintained a sheen of that True Name-brand polite professionalism with em. Friendly, to be sure, but still distant. -May laughed and lifted her snout to nudge at eir chin firmly. "Would not. I would have been impossible to live with, though. Whining and bitching and stress-shedding everywhere." +*You can just ask, too, you know.* -"Oh, so like normal, then." +"Hey, True Name?" -She sat up in eir lap and poked em in the chest with a dull claw. "Rude." +"Mm?" -Ey grinned. "Well, okay, not stress-shedding, just normal shedding." +"Have things been awkward since the merge?" -She scrubbed a paw at her flank until she came up with a little bit of shed fur to sprinkle over eir front. "Yes, yes. But I can say the same for you, my dear. A year ago, I do not think I could have pictured her giving you a goodnight kiss." +She yawned and levered herself up to a sitting position again, rubbing her eyes. She certainly looked like she'd dozed off. "Awkward how?" -Covering for the heat rising to eir cheeks by brushing the errant fur off eir front, ey shrugged. "That's on you. I'm used to skunks being all touchy." +"Well, I mean, we spent all that time talking about May and I's relationship beforehand, and how that would impact you." Ey pushed emself up to sitting on the beanbag as well, adding, "Which I have no clue how to feel about, to be clear. Just asking." -"Yes, but True Name?" +"Well, we are of one mind on that front, at least," she said, smiling. "I have no idea, dear. I am...I remain confused about the conflicting memories. Something about the base of my experience of you from the point of view of me *qua* True Name over the last few years feels more...real, perhaps. May I tell you something in confidence?" -"I'm not sure she's that anymore," ey said carefully. "So I guess you're right. I couldn't imagine the True Name of a year ago giving goodnight kisses to anyone, much less you and me." +Ey knit eir brow and nodded. "Of course." -She grinned, nodding. "Agreed, yes. And you are okay with it?" +"Even at her friendliest and most open, May believed that these merges would make me, in some way, a more complete person. Even I began to believe such. The whole clade has spent too long accusing itself of being incomplete people based on our origins." She paused to collect her thoughts, looking down at her paws. "But she killed me, in her own kind way. She who was True Name is dead, and now I am of three minds. I am what remains of True Name and I am May and I am End Waking. There is some unified core --- there must be --- as I am not strictly May or End Waking, and perhaps that core will yet have some other name, but I am of three minds." -Ey shrugged. "Like I said, I'm used to it. It occasionally strikes me as incredibly strange. Even just talking about it now feels weird. There's this whole, dramatic plot to take out one of the most prominent people on the System, and here we are, talking about goodnight kisses." +"In terms of conflicts?" -"It is not that weird. It is an artifact of our lives. Death has a different flavor to it when we fork and quit on a whim, living for centuries at a time." She set to work brushing her fingers through eir hair. Weird to be petted, but it felt good, so ey never stopped her. She continued, "Which is not to say that it is not important and anxiety inducing to have almost lost one's life, just that, with a modicum of care, she *can* continue living, if in a restricted fashion, even if she were to miss the deadline. With less fear of death comes greater love." +She tilted her head thoughtfully. "I do not feel the pressure of merge conflicts. Not many, at least. I feel tripled. I feel now like True Name, perhaps, and then I feel like May and some time later I will feel like End Waking. I lack the language to describe it. I felt something similar when I was Michelle and Sasha, but even that was not the same. I become less and less sure that I will be a singular person again, and so the reconciliation that remains is one of ensuring that those facets can coexist peacefully, as Sarah says." -Eyes closed and chin tucked nearly to eir chest, ey hummed thoughtfully. "I suppose, yeah. I didn't have much life outside the System that I can compare, never mind love." +"I'm sorry, True Name, that sounds...I don't even know. Impossible." -May giggled. "I was not speaking of romance, my dear." +"Oh, no, do not get me wrong," she said, smiling. "It is not unpleasant. It is not what I --- or even May --- wanted, but it does not feel like a bad thing. It is difficult, however, as some contexts remain confusing. You are one of those contexts, Ioan." -Ey snorted, shaking eir head. "Neither was I, you nut. I just meant Rareș and my parents." +Not knowing what to say to that, ey simply nodded, feeling the flush of warmth to eir cheeks. -"Well, touché. We do not have very good language around love, in my defense." She ruffled eir hair and ey could hear the smirk in her voice as she said, "Not that that will ever stop me from teasing you about falling in love with her." +"Yes, see? Look at you." She laughed. "It is complex for all of us. We are all hyper-aware of boundaries, not even wishing to test them. May is...*of* me, and now I am of her, so that boundary is smaller between us, perhaps, but we are all three very aware of *your* boundaries." -Ey laughed and poked at her side a few times, hunting for that ticklish spot. "Who's rude now, hmm?" +"You're telling me," ey said, smiling cautiously. "Every time I think about it, I just wind up feeling super awkward and freeze up, so I have no clue as to how to even begin to approach it." -Giggling helplessly, May squirmed until she tipped off eir lap, curling protectively into a ball. "It is just so easy, Ionuț, do not blame me!" +"Well, here. May I sit next to you? If it is awkward, then it is awkward. If we find a boundary, we will discuss it, but then at least we will know and quit fucking tiptoeing around the topic, yes?" -"I know, I know, and it's your job as an Odist to fuck with me, *et cetera, et cetera*," ey said, slipping down into bed alongside the skunk, getting eir arms around her. "I like her, but...well, whatever. It's complicated." +Ey stiffened, trying to cover a wave of anxiety with a chuckle. "Uh...well, sure." -She twisted in eir arms and wormed her way back against em, shaking her head. "No, you cannot just leave it at that. You have further thoughts and I want to hear." +For all the confidence in her words, she looked as jittery as ey felt, if the bristle to her tail and cant to her ears was anything to go by. Ey wasn't quite sure what it was that had led her to this particular suggestion, but her expression was in flux --- now curious, now eager, now anxious --- so perhaps it was those three aspects of her searching for harmony. Still, she pushed herself up off the couch to pad over to the beanbag and settle down next to em. -"Further ammo for teasing, you mean." +Or try to, at least. One does not simply sit next to someone else on a beanbag. The mechanics of an amorphous cushion had the skunk almost immediately slouching against eir side. She flailed as she over-corrected, nearly elbowing em in the stomach in the process. -"Well, yes, but I do still want to hear." +"Jesus...you would think...I would know how this works," she growled, pushing at the cushion to try and get herself organized. -Ey sighed. "Fine. I just...well, I guess I'm sort of in the same boat as her, in that it's something I can picture, even if I can't understand it. She's so much like you --- in terms of looks and voice and now personality from the merge --- that I can imagine what that'd be like, and both she and End Waking are my friends, so there's that, too. But the context of her being True Name makes it hard to picture the...I don't know. Process?" +"Here, just-- Oh." Ey laughed as the skunk gave up and leaned forward with a groan, resting her elbows on her knees and her face in her paws. "I'd call that pretty awkward, though I don't know if that's what you meant." -"The concept versus the mechanics, maybe?" +"Not exactly, no," came her muffled voice. "But I also feel dreadfully overwhelmed." -"Yeah, I think so." Ey grinned and kissed the back of one of her ears. "But that's about as far as I get thinking about it before I'm distracted by this or that." +Ey leaned away from her as best ey could to give her some space. "Sorry, True Name." -"Organizing your pen collection is usually what I accuse you of," she said. +After a few slow breaths, she shook her head and slumped over to the side, draping herself across eir lap, face buried in her arms on in the beanbag on the other side of eir legs, a jumble of skunk. "This is stupid, Ioan. This is stupid and it is awkward and it is confusing, just as expected," she grumbled. "Pet my ears, please." -"Mmhm. I guess it's the same as when you and I got together. I could kind of picture it, but had no clue beyond that." +"What? Oh." Ey hesitantly brushed fingers over her ears as ey'd done countless times before with May. Her fur felt exactly the same, her voice was very similar, and were it not for the difference in clothes, the slight changes in body shape, and the benefit of almost three decades of time spent living with May, ey could probably have confused one for the other. "Too awkward?" -She hugged eir arm to her front and nodded. "Well, whatever happens, happens. We will talk about it." +"I do not know. The closer to another I get, even in just simple proximity, the more May I become, so the greater part of me is simply pleased to be touched now that we are close, and by none other than you," she mumbled against the beanbag. "But I am not her, so the rest of me is unsure of what to make of it. Completely baffled, even. Do I feel like her to you? We are cut from the same cloth, are we not? This ought to feel the same, yes? Does it?" -"Another time," ey mumbled, pushing eir face into her soft fur, coarser guard hairs tickling eir cheeks. "I can't imagine I'm going to be able to sleep tomorrow night, so we might as well get some tonight." +"Almost exactly," ey said, then laughed. "And not at all." + +The skunk squirmed enough to get her tail off to the side and her face away from the fabric of the cushion, resting her chin on folded arms instead. "That is where I am. It is not unpleasant, and I think I may even enjoy it once the confusion subsides, but I will forever be of three minds." + +"Right. I think I understand a little better." + +She nodded. "It may yet be enough for Jonas, but even if not, I think that it will be enough for me. It is stupid and awkward, but-- no, do not stop," she interrupted herself, laughing, when ey pulled eir hand away. "Awkward, but not bad." + +They fell into thought, then. Or at least ey did. Ey kept up the careful petting while trying to tease apart eir own feelings on the matter. It all felt too big, impossible to pin down. Even trying to define what True Name was now felt far above eir pay grade. Three at once, or one after the other? Parallel or serial? Both? And yet they'd lived wholly separate, concurrent lives prior to the merges. + +Doubtless there was some way ey could just approach this simply, could just share uncomplicated time with friends. Something about the Odists just made that feel inaccessible, though. All of them were so complex in such roundabout ways, and now True Name triply so. + +*If only I could just turn off the overthinking part of me,* ey thought. Aloud, ey said, "What do you think you'll do after all of this?" + +The skunk started at the sound of eir voice. "Sorry, dear. I must have dozed off. What was that?" + +Ey smiled and ruffled a hand through the fur between her ears before petting it down again. "What will you do after this stuff with Jonas? You mentioned the change would be enough for you, but what will that look like?" + +"I will relax," she said, pushing herself slowly upright once more, slouching against eir side more intentionally, this time. "I will perhaps have a good night's sleep. I will walk sims for days. I will go camping. I will pester you and May, if you two are not sick to death of me by then." + +"No, it's fine. A break while you're camping might be nice, but I don't imagine we'll kick you out forever and never see you again," ey said, laughing. "And I hope you won't disappear." + +"I will not, you need not worry." She shrugged against eir shoulder. "Beyond that, I do not know. I may write." + +"What sorts of things?" + +"Perhaps a companion volume to your *History*. Something from the inside, such as it were. I will have had three perspectives to draw upon without doing any interviews, yes?" + +"That would've made life so much easier." + +"Why?" she said, smirking up towards em. "No shitty skunks getting you all worked up so that you yell at May?" + +"I didn't yell at her!" Ey shook eir head, laughing. "I just called her manipulative." + +"Yes, yes, and you called me a crazy in-law." She patted eir thigh. "But yes. I am most looking forward to just unclenching. I would like to travel and see friends and meet people." + +"Think you'll try and meet Douglas and see Debarre again, like May said?" + +There was a long silence, the skunk's features drawn in in thought. "I remain of three minds. A third of me would like to bask in more solitude than I already have. That me feels crowded and hemmed in. Another third of me is filled with touch-hunger and love for friends I have never met and would like to surround myself with all these people. That me is struggling with loneliness." + +"And the True Name third?" + +She sighed, bringing her tail around to groom it absentmindedly. "She is scared and unhappy and lost. She, of the three of me, is of two minds. Half of her would like to plan and scheme and wargame to rip that smug look off Jonas's face, and the other half would...but, well, there has been enough quitting in the clade." + +Ey hesitated, unsure of what ey could possibly say to those thoughts, then put eir arm around her. Ey at least knew how to comfort the May portion of her, if nothing else. + +"But come, that is enough of that," she said decisively. "Five sixths of me still want to rip that smug look off Jonas's face, so that sad-sack part of me can go have her sulk another time. I would also like to get out. I would like to go to restaurants again, yes, and even see one of your plays, should I be welcome. I want to eat greasy food and drink myself silly after performances. I want to hop sims and dream. New deadline: one month. I want out of here within one month." + +"You mean for the meeting with Jonas?" + +"Yes. I will not schedule it with him yet, just pencil it in --- I will exert my own power by giving him short notice --- but having that deadline will only help." + +"Well, we'll help you get as ready as we can until then," ey said. "And probably get ready ourselves. We'll need to tell End Waking, too." + +"Of course, dear," she said, then dotted her nose against eir cheek, one of those skunk-kisses ey'd grown so used to. + +They both froze. + +"Fuck. I am sorry, Ioan, a habit--" + +"Well, that was--" ey said at the same time, then shook eir head. "Sorry, True Name. Wasn't expecting that." + +She pushed herself quickly to her feet and began pacing before the beanbag, paws brushing over her face, from whiskers all the way up over her ears. Ey would be hard pressed to describe just how, but some faint glimmer of that portion of her that was May visibly fled her expression and that which was True Name asserted dominance. "Do not apologize. That crossed a boundary, and I need a moment." + +Ey frowned. "It was unexpected, but I don't know if it crossed--" + +"It crossed one of *my* boundaries," she snapped, then forced herself to stand still and slow her breathing as she stared out into the night through the windows. "I am sorry, Ioan. I did not mean to get snippy with you. As I said, it is awkward and confusing. I feel like I have been given control of some new, unwieldy machine and am only learning how to use it through trial and error." + +Ey nodded, tamping down the urge to apologize again. "Take the space you need." + +Her shoulders slumped and identities once more warred in her expression. "I would like nothing more than to disappear out on the plain, but I should probably stop just running away from such things." She smiled tiredly to em and held out a paw to help em stand. "Come. The least we can do is make dinner. Then we can discuss it further when your partner returns." + +----- + +May's response to the discussion of encroached boundaries, later that night when she'd returned, knocked both Ioan and True Name off-kilter. She laughed and tousled both eir hair and the fur atop True Name's head, saying, "Well, took you long enough." + +"Wait, what?" ey asked. + +"I have been placing bets with myself on how long it would take until it came up. Whichever part of me guessed 'the minute I leave you two alone together' wins, I guess." + +True Name stared coolly at her. "And here I was worried that you would blow up at me." + +"Of course not, my dear. If you are like me, then I, of all people, can guess the hows and whys." + +"It mattered quite a bit to me." + +"I do not mean to diminish that, True Name." She smiled and sat beside her, patting the skunk's paw. + +True Name sighed. "Thank you, I do believe you, it is just...a heap of complex feelings." + +"That much I believe. I want to understand better, though. How are you doing?" + +"If I say 'confused' one more time, I am going to lose my mind. I do not have a better word for it, though. I do not know how to feel about Ioan. I do not know how to feel about myself. I do not know how I feel about the touch. It was fine, I am sure, but I am starting to think that what is so jarring to me is that it was almost an automatic action." + +Ioan nodded. "It felt a bit incongruous because it's a hundred percent something you would've done, May, but not the same context." + +"And perhaps that is why it feels fine to me: it is what I would do and so I would expect nothing less from someone with so much of me as part of them now. I would like you both to feel comfortable, of course, but I am more...well, 'concerned' is not quite the right word, but focused on the emotional side than you two just physically touching," May said, shrugging. "Though I do appreciate you keeping me apprised. I trust you on that." + +"Well, thank you," True Name said, rubbing at her eyes, though whether out of exhaustion or to forestall tears, ey couldn't tell. "The other thing we discussed, though, was setting a deadline of one month to get this shit with Jonas out of the way." + +May perked up. "Are you feeling ready, then?" + +She laughed, shaking her head. "I do not think I ever will, but there is little that I can do to change that. I will change and he will do whatever the fuck he wants and I will do my best to wash my hands of it. Will you be ready?" + +"Sure. I do not imagine my part in it will be big. Just be there to witness, perhaps lose an instance if he decides to go after us, too. Have you spoken with End Waking?" + +"I sent him a simplex message," she said. "I will ping again tomorrow if he has not replied." + +"If he has not had another tree fall on him," May grumbled. + +True Name winced. "A truly unpleasant experience." + +"And you, Ioan?" + +Ey shrugged. "I've got my notes all in order. I don't want to do it at all, but I'm ready, I guess. Did you talk with Debarre about this?" + +"No. I...well, he is not ready to engage, I think. I would like End Waking to bring it up with him, if possible. I have meddled a bit much of late." + +True Name smirked, leaned over and tugged at May's tail. "You have, yes." + +May pulled her tail around to hug it protectively. "I know. I am perhaps as struck by the need to help as Ioan." + +The conversation trailed off from there, Ioan and May cozying up and chatting via sensorium messages once True Name had started to doze, using May's thigh as a pillow. She caught em up on gossip from Debarre --- one of his boyfriends visited and was, apparently, quite the looker --- and ey accused her of leaving em for the weasel, as ey always did when she visited him. + +Eventually, even they fell to silence, and when May started to nod off as well, ey roused the two skunks. "Come on, beds are comfier than couches." + +True Name nodded groggily and stood, swaying for a moment before gaining her balance once more. "Thank you two for talking this evening." + +"Would you like to stay with us tonight?" May asked. "If you are this exhausted, I imagine you need it." + +She stood silent for a few moments, then nodded. "If you are willing, yes. I am also happy to sleep out on the plain. Either would be good for me." + +"That is why I asked, yes." + +When May looked to em, ey sighed. "Perhaps tomorrow? I need a night to think on things." + +True Name's face fell, but she bowed. "Of course, dear." + +Ey reached out and gave her paw a squeeze. "Thanks, True Name. Tomorrow." + +She smiled gratefully and, after a hug from May, made her way through her room and out to her tent on the plain, visible as a bobbing lantern moving through the grass. + +Ioan and May made their way to their own bed and once they were settled in, May asked, "I do not want to push, my dear, but I would like to hear your thoughts if you need to think on things." + +Ey stretched out on eir back and stared up at the ceiling, letting May settle in against eir side to use eir shoulder as a pillow. "As nerve-wracking as it was in the moment, I think I'm just...over it. Maybe it's the fact that my introduction to your stanza was through you getting all cuddly that it just doesn't feel like a huge deal to me." Ey ducked eir chin to kiss atop her snout. "Though obviously it's complicated, since that led to you and I getting together, but you're also just a cuddly person all around." + +She tucked her snout up under eir chin, rubbing it against eir jaw at the ticklish kiss. "I am, at that. What do you mean by 'over it', though?" + +"I guess after a certain point, it just felt like the anxiety about touch was wildly out of proportion to whatever worries I had. We have other friends we get cozy with." Ey grinned, adding, "She just about fell over when she tried to sit on the beanbag. Would've been funny if she hadn't also started panicking." + +"I think she is struggling with touch-hunger." + +"She said as much, yeah." Ey shrugged, then mumbled an apology for jostling her. "I guess I'm just used to the fact that one just pets skunks." + +"That is just what one does," May asserted. "And not, I will note, what you are doing right now." + +Ey laughed and ruffled a hand over her ears before petting the fur down again. "Fine, fine. But that's what I mean, I guess. It's just how skunks are, in my experience. I'm sure some of it's my denseness around this sort of thing at play, but what made me anxious was her freaking out. She's done a pretty good job of taking our concerns to heart, but I hadn't picked up on her own anxieties until then. I'm over it, but she clearly isn't." + +"Well, perhaps all of our preparations only made her more anxious," May mumbled, chin dipped low as ey rubbed behind her ears. "She still has all of those memories of solitude and professionalism, as well." + +Given what True Name had said in confidence, ey could certainly imagine a boundary around physicality being tested even in the slightest pushing the May portion of her back and letting that of End Waking or True Name come to the fore. Ey supposed, had they internalized that better beforehand, the conversation that had followed her spike in anxiety would have been different, and perhaps more productive. Ey could have spoken to her as ey might have spoken to True Name *qua* True Name, rather than as ey might to May --- even if that original version of her was, as she had said, dead. + +The context shift had just been so fast, though, and despite all the differences ey was primed to see between them, the two skunks still looked and sounded so much alike. Oh well. If it had been fast and confusing for em, doubtless such a shift would have been triply so for her. + +"My dear, I do not know if you intended to say that out loud," May said gently. "May I respond to it?" + +"Wait, what?" Ey jolted, leading May to sit up, so ey joined her. "Oh, damn. Uh...well, when did I start?" + +"A context shift between me and True Name." + +"Shit." Ey rubbed eir hands over eir face and groaned. "Sorry, May. Uh, it was about something True Name shared in confidence." + +She frowned, nodded. "I will not ask you to betray that, of course." + +"Maybe I'm more stressed than I'm giving myself credit for, if my mumbling's getting this bad." + +The skunk's expression softened and she leaned forward to touch her nose to eirs. "I do not blame you. There is so much going on these days." + +Ey pressed eir nose to hers before leaning back and nodding. "Right, and I feel like it's all super important all the time. Oh well. What were you going to say? If I can respond, I will." + +May shook her head, and nudged em to lay back down. "No, it is okay. Whether or not you answer is probably too much information to share. I think we are both perhaps too stressed to continue, anyway." + +When she lay back down as well, ey wrapped eir arms around her and drew her in for a squeeze. "Agreed," ey said, voice muffled by her soft fur. "Maybe just focus on being cozy for a bit. Can you teach me how to go into screen-saver mode?" + +She laughed and squirmed back against em. "You are an enormous nerd and I love you a lot, Ionuț. I would, but you would just mumble more, I am sure." diff --git a/content/read/040.md b/content/read/040.md index a3e6e25..2f6370f 100644 --- a/content/read/040.md +++ b/content/read/040.md @@ -1,484 +1,301 @@ # Ioan Bălan --- 2350 -"I cannot help but feel that I am walking into my own execution tomorrow," True Name admitted. "I know that I am leaving behind a fork, that I will not be completely destroyed, but that does not wholly negate the sense of impending death." +Ioan had never been one for bars. Ey knew that there was an enormous variety of them, that doubtless some would play to eir aesthetic and likes --- the one at the base of the System Central Library came quite close --- and that not all of them subscribed to the "if it's louder, that means everyone's having more fun" school of design. -Ioan and May both nodded. +There was just something about the idea. Too much that took place in bars was, at best, confusing. At worst, it was distressing. Ey had no desire to be around the types of intoxication that bars seemed to attract. May had a list of types of drunkenness she'd gotten from somewhere, ey knew, and ey didn't like any of them. -"Is it just the finality of it all?" May asked. +Still, this is where Jonas had requested that they meet when ey messaged him. -"Perhaps. Perhaps it is just the inability to predict beyond that point. I am coming up to a corner I have never seen around, and whatever predictive powers I may have fail me." +The venue was of the sultry, dark, wood-paneled variety, with warm, dim lamps hanging pendant over each of the tables and a row of lights above the bar itself. Conversations were kept low by the dimness, with groups of three or four huddled in booths while those at the bar drank alone. -Ioan could at least understand the worries about heading into the unknown. The same feeling had been dogging em since after eir meeting with Jonas, since ey'd seen that cool look on his face when ey'd apparently preempted so much of the upcoming meeting's discussion. One minute, that would feel like a good thing --- perhaps they would make it through essentially unscathed --- and the next ey'd worry that ey'd made a complete mistake, that ey'd somehow tipped their hand by letting Jonas know just how predictable he was. +Doubtless Jonas knew of eir distaste. Doubtless this had factored into his decision on venue for this pre-meeting meeting. -Neither True Name nor May could say one way or another when ey'd voiced eir concerns with them. +Ah well, at least it wasn't a club. -The whole day had been scattered for them. May spent much of it glued to eir side as ey did eir best to organize eir notes in eir head for the upcoming meeting. She couldn't seem to pin herself down to one set of feelings, first laughing and joking about beating Zacharias up, then burying her face against eir shoulder and refusing to speak, ears laid flat. +Ey stopped by the bar to get a cider of some sort --- something sweet, ey hoped; ey didn't know the first thing about ciders --- and hunted down an empty booth. The backs of the benches were straight and high, reaching up to the ceiling, leading to a secluded, if not particularly comfortable, space. There, ey sat and sipped eir way slowly through eir cider, waiting for Jonas. -For her part, True Name couldn't seem to stay pinned to any one of her three identities. +Ey'd shown up, notebook in hand, half an hour early and was half expecting Jonas to be late, sauntering in lazily at quarter past, a way of pressing the dynamic between them, but he arrived right on time, picked up a drink from the bar, and hunted Ioan down. Ey stood to bow to Jonas, then froze. Zacharias stepped into the sim, as well, grinned widely at the sight of Ioan mid-bow. Before even making his way to the table, the fox gave an exaggerated curtsey. -Ey was at least getting more adept at spotting them in her features. There was a bright focus when that of True Name --- the old True Name, that was --- came to the fore. Her expression would become attentive, defaulting to a slight smile and eyebrows (such as they were on a skunk's features) just slightly raised. When that of End Waking showed itself in her, she'd keep her eyes half-lidded, and her gaze was far more attuned to any movement. The rest of her own movements would still, as well. She would walk quieter, more gracefully. She would speak less. +"Ioan, wonderful to see you again," Jonas said, grinning. "My most foppish lackey decided to tag along, I trust you won't mind." -And when that of May came to the fore, that was when ey was at eir most confused. +"Of course," ey said through gritted teeth. "The more the merrier." -Ey had had no idea how to feel about her back when she was just True Name. Had ey really been so hesitant to call her a friend? Memories tattled on em, there: ey'd shied away from the term or qualified it every time it arose. That had only loosened up when her life was at risk, when she'd been forced to move in with them, and ey'd been forced in turn to acknowledge that her words, *I suppose it is just nice to have a friend*, had stuck with em more than ey'd cared to admit. The rest of that conversation had been full of equivocations, clarifications, delineations, and all those habits of guardedness from two decades of wariness over anything that carried a whiff of manipulation had tried to assert themselves over em once more. +"Precisely, precisely." Jonas raised his martini glass in a toast and gestured back to the booth and Ioan's half-finished drink. "Shall we?" -But no, there was something about the Ode clade that just happened to click with the Bălan clade, no matter what form or name they took, that just fell directly into friendship. It was the way they spoke, perhaps. Those complete sentences that left em uncoiling parts of emself ey hadn't known were coiled in the first place. +Ey nodded and slid back into the booth while Jonas scooted in on the other side of the table, leaving room for Zacharias. -Ey didn't know what it was that they saw in em in turn. There was the unspoken matter of the pronouns of the owner of the Name, and, as May had once whispered to em late one night, eir tendency to lean on rumination, on quietness and exactitude, that reminded her of someone she refused to name. Were they so alike, em and whoever had touched Michelle Hadje so long ago? Had ey and Michelle been contemporaries phys-side, would they have wound up in a relationship? Ey had no clue how to ask such a thing of them. +The fox was only a moment in arriving, showing up with some shockingly yellow drink in a coupe glass. "Ioan, my dear. Wonderful to see you again." -All ey knew is that, as Codrin had put it in a letter, "The Odists love hard and they love deep and they love fast, and it's hard not to become intoxicated beneath all that love." +"Please don't call me 'my dear'," ey said, setting up a cone of silence. There was anger, there, somewhere beneath the surface, but ey was somewhat surprised to feel it almost completely overridden by exhaustion, something ey hadn't felt before the two had arrived. -So, what was ey to do when that of eir partner, of the one ey loved most in the world, shone through in someone else? When that of May rose to prominence in True Name's expression, she was not May. She wasn't May at all. She was of three minds, and none of them were wholly absent whenever one asserted primacy. +"My love? My--" he began, voice mocking. There was a thump beneath the table and he quickly cut off with a loud yelp, jolting away from Jonas, eyes wide. -And yet there it was, all that drew em towards May, even if it wasn't her, right in front of em. What was ey to do with that? +"Shut up, Zacharias," Jonas said mildly, plucking the maraschino cherry out of his drink and dropping it in the fox's. "Business now, prattle later." -That ey didn't know, that ey hadn't the language, kept em from speaking of it with True Name just yet. It wasn't out of any need to hide, not out of any embarrassment --- though ey'd freely admit to eir shyness --- that ey kept it from her. Ey just didn't know how to say that, when she seemed most like May, ey was at eir most confused without turning it into a series of questions and I-don't-knows. +Zacharias sat, frozen, for a moment longer before wiping up some of his spilled drink with a bar napkin. His eyes were still wide, darting between Ioan and his boss. "Right." -The one time ey'd brought it up with May, the idea still as yet unseasoned, she had done as she ever would, and teased em gently about 'falling in love with her' and then settled into a series of gently probing questions, trying to tease out things that ey already knew but did not yet have the words for. +*Another show of power, most likely,* ey thought. *Why else bring him with?* -It hadn't gone anywhere. Ey'd eventually had to put the conversation on hold out of a combination of stress and the feeling that ey ought to keep True Name's discussion on her newfound multiplicity in the face of May's desire for some more complete unity to emself. +"So," ey said aloud. "As I said in the message, We'd like to meet in two days' time. Systime 251+139, 11:00." -So they did what they could to prepare or relax for the rest of that last day. True Name walked her prairie several times over, then came in and sat close by, then busied herself up in her head. May clung to em. Ey sorted notes. +Mid-sip, Jonas waved his hand vaguely. "Of course, of course," he said, setting his glass back down. "Whenever you're ready, like I said. But come, how are you Ioan? You look tired." -There was no discussion whether or not she would be staying with them that night. The three of them simply wound up in eir and May's bed, sitting or kneeling on the soft mattress while they did their best to talk about little nothings. Ioan tried to explain Romanian curses to them. May and True Name spoke earnestly about a movie ey'd never heard of. And under it all, an ever-rising current of stress lay, slowly taking over their words until they couldn't speak any longer, could only curl beneath the covers, sharing some more fundamental comfort. +Ey stared at him, trying to piece together how worth it was to actually answer the question. Ey *was* tired, yes. The night before had been a stressful one once ey'd received the request for this additional meeting from Jonas. True Name stayed up late in conversation with both May and End Waking about some clade business ey'd not been privy to, leading to em pacing in the darkened yard for nearly an hour, spring lilacs leaving the air almost too thick to breathe. Ey'd eventually given up on waiting for the skunks. Ey knew if ey stayed up any later, ey'd simply wind up standing at the windows and watching their fire out on the plain. -Surprising all three of them, they did manage to get at least some sleep that night. It wasn't *good* sleep, as, at one point or another, each of them woke with a start, but they managed a few hours of dozing. +*"I think I'm going to head to bed,"* ey had sent May. *"I'm just going to keep cycling if I stay up."* -Once the sky began to lighten, though, they pulled themselves blearily out of bed, Ioan making four mugs of coffee --- two black, two sweet and milky --- so that they could troop back out onto the plain and wake End Waking up --- or, as it turned out, greet him at the small fire he'd started --- and offer him a cup. +There was a hint of a whine to her reply. *"I am sorry, Ioan, I did not realize how late it had gotten. Do you want me to send a fork back?"* -"There is no more rehearsing to be done," he said, once they'd shed some of their grogginess. "We risk practice making permanent, at this point. All we can do is hope to remain as centered as possible throughout." +*"I don't know, will they be intolerable and antsy?"* -Both of the other skunks nodded, and Ioan had to quell eir instinct to disagree. They were too tired, too keyed up, too quick to overanalyse to get anything out of forking across the prairie to wargame however many countless scenarios. Better for the four of them to sit around the low fire, sip their coffee, and watch the sun rise, May slouched against eir side and True Name and End Waking sitting apart, silent. +*"Oh, absolutely,"* she had replied, and ey could hear the grin in her voice. *"But I will still send one if you would like."* -Eventually, however, coffee long gone, they forked. End Waking and True Name's down-tree instances each went to their tents to sit and meditate as best they could, while May and Ioan's down-tree instances returned home to try baking a cake --- something demanding enough while still remaining relatively mindless. +*"No, it's alright. Just no sleeping out there, okay?"* -The only words they spoke to each other was May saying, "Good luck, have fun, and do not die." +*"Of course. We will return soon."* -The four forks held hands and paws and, with nothing other than a shared, shaky breath, stepped from the sim. +It was nearly two hours later when the skunks had returned as promised. Two hours of tossing and turning in bed, fretting and fretting and fretting. Eventually, they had fallen into their usual positions, though despite the added rest that this usually brought True Name, none of them had slept well. -End Waking immediately flinched, crouched. They found themselves in a boardroom. A large plain of a table, notepads and pens, a second table huddling against the wall with a pitcher of water and a stack of too-small glasses. +When there was no wink and smile from Jonas, ey let eir shoulders sag and nodded. "Tired, yeah. We're all tired. Just want this over with." -And yet it still felt too small --- even to Ioan, who spent more of eir life inside than unbound in a forest, the ceiling was just a few inches too low, the chairs just a few inches too close to the walls. Too small, and yet too long. There was room for a table half again as long, and yet the table was set in one end of the room, leaving the other end unbalanced, empty other than a wheeled whiteboard. End Waking, who hadn't been indoors, never mind in a room too small, in nigh on a century, looked on the verge of panic. His eyes were wide, tail hiked and bristled, paws clenched in a way that reminded em of May. +"And True Name? How's she?" he asked, still apparently sincere. -"I do not know if I can--" +"Look, Jonas, what are you after? We're tired. She's upset. We just want to get on with our lives, and it's all on you." -May squeezed his paw tightly. "You do not need to keep these memories, skunk, but you cannot leave." She added in a near whisper, "Please do not leave me." +"Well, sure, but now my workload's doubled," he said, and there at last was the wink. "Though in all seriousness, I'm just trying to gauge what to expect. May Then My Name and End Waking will be there, too, right?" -His nod was jerky, distracted, but still a nod. +"Yes," ey said coolly, adding to Zacharias, "Will you?" -And yet, the room was empty. *Perfect time to pull the late-to-the-meeting power move.* +"Would not miss it for the world," the fox said. His ebullience was notably restrained, still, but the grin had returned. He tapped the side of his snout, "Cartoonishly evil, remember?" -Sure enough, 11:00 rolled around, no Jonas. +*I liked you better when Jonas was stomping on your toes,* ey thought. -It wasn't until nearly ten after that the door swung lazily open and Jonas strolled in, followed by Zacharias and the rest of the eighth stanza --- *no, Zacharias is part of that, too,* ey thought. *There's only Odists, Jonas, and me here.* +"So you said," ey said aloud. -"True Name! Delighted to see you, delighted," Jonas said, grinning widely and giving the barest hint of a bow. +"And how is May Then My Name?" Zacharias asked. "I know precious little about my down-tree instance, you know. I trust that she is well?" -The skunk had apparently amped up all that she could of her old self, as her smile was earnest and wide, and her bow the perfect mix of polite and friendly. "Glad you could make it, my dear. I trust you have been well?" +"She is also upset." -He shifted smoothly to accommodate this response. "Quite well, quite well. Feels like it's been a bit of a vacation for the both of us, eh? You enjoy a bit of time off at the lake?" +The fox gasped, mock-effrontery filling his voice. "Not because of me!" -That grin of hers widened, and she nodded. "Quite a bit, actually. We never quite got to roasting marshmallows, but it is really hard to go wrong with potatoes roasted in the embers. They get a little smoky, even the insides." +"It has been a stressful few months. She doesn't want True Name coming to any harm, either." -End Waking stared at True Name as though she was an Artemisian, suddenly having made their way across the light-days back to Lagrange. Hell, Ioan was staring at her like she was an alien. So quickly and smoothly had her anxiety been transmuted into this calm, friendly social efficiency that it was as though the last months had been erased from her features. +Zacharias scoffed. -There was some other conversation going on here, ey realized. It wasn't just that they were talking pleasantries before a meeting, but that there was an exchange of information that took place on some subtler plane of existence. They were feeling each other out, listening to tone of voice more than the content of words, watching features and postures rather than seeing an old friend. There was some deeper level of communication that ey simply couldn't latch onto. +Ey put on eir best smile. "Though yes, she told me that she knew there were still old forks around, but that she'd left them to their own devices and knew nothing about them, so she's surprised to have met you." -With that in mind, ey could at least do eir best to focus on the less direct forms of language around the room. +"How very diplomatic," he replied, grinning. "Well, I can assure you that the pleasure was all mine." -True Name had talked em through the stanza and their roles beforehand, at least. She herself had been focused on the politics, of course, but also acted as consensus builder among the members of her stanza. +"So why am I here?" -Ey knew well that May had been focused on swaying individual hearts and minds toward a cause that initially had been True Name's, and then later simply shaped by her as best as could be managed. +Jonas shrugged. "You mean aside from the fact that I get to see your face when you talk about your skunks? It's fun dragging people around." -End Waking had been instrumental in tracking, understanding, and to whatever level possible, influencing financial markets phys-side, though he'd admitted to Ioan, one night out on the plain, that the chances that he'd actually had a dramatic effect on the markets was astoundingly low and that the financial trajectory had likely been set by forces larger than they could manage --- at least, that was the hope that had kept him going. +Restraining the urge to bridle at 'your skunks', ey gave a hint of a bow. "And what can you tell me about this meeting? I imagine you've got some grand plans about surprising True Name with your ideas for the future, but if nothing else, it'd help me to know what I'm getting into before I get into it." -Ey knew the two 'Why's from the history: Why Ask Questions, Here At The End Of All Things was the frightfully friendly crowd-rouser who had worked with groups of individuals sys-side, while Why Ask Questions When The Answers Will Not Help had focused on similar tactics phys-side. However, given that her task was limited to text, she seemed notably out of her element in in-person interactions, coming off as petty and cruel as often as funny and sarcastic. +"Oh, excellent question!" -The Only Time I Dream Is When I Need An Answer had acted as a manager, scheduler, and clerk for the enterprise. Wickedly intelligent, she had done more than block in times for meetings; she had organized meetings between precisely the right individuals at precisely the right times. +Ey posted the cap of eir pen and nodded for Jonas to continue. -To Know One's True Name Is To Know God had settled comfortably into data analysis, collecting both the raw data that she could from the perisystem feeds and the net phys-side as well as the information collected by her cocladists and the Jonases. She was a being of reports. +"I said it was an excellent question, not that I'd answer you, Ioan." -To Know God Is To Answer Unasked Questions had done her best to specialize in the fields of information and game theory, but this had more often come down to simple information security and hygiene. She decided where and how far information traveled. +"I think you will." -Do I Know God When I Do Not Remember Myself and Do I Know God When I Do Not Dream worked as a mismatched pair. When I Do Not Remember worked as a propagandist while When I Do Not Dream worked almost entirely on the perisystem, translating back and forth for her cocladists and finding the best way to worm her way through the inter- and intrasystem text channels. +"And why's that?" -Were ey pressed to name each of them without knowing this information, ey didn't think ey'd be able to. Ey knew the three skunks of the stanza and could readily tell them apart, but the rest simply looked like a gaggle of the very same woman: short, soft, round face and curly black hair. However, there were indeed differences there to be seen. Why Ask Questions was just a centimeter or two taller and more open of expression. When I Do Not Remember and When I Do Not Dream both had a hunch to their shoulders that ey could not quite explain; perhaps a posture that stuck after too much writing. +"Because you love to hear yourself talk," ey said. "And because Zacharias is right. This is almost cartoonishly evil, and villains love talking about their grand schemes. I'm ready for your monologue." -As it was, ey did eir best to guess, and when introductions made their way around the table, ey found eir guesses to be correct in each case. +Jonas raised his eyebrows and a slow grin spread over his features. That feverish glint ey'd seen last time shone through for a moment before it was suppressed again. The idea that Jonas might be losing it made em anxious. *Stretched too thin, maybe?* -At last, the parade of bows and greetings out of the way, each of the thirteen --- counting em, Jonas, and Zacharias --- pulled out a chair and sat down, though ey noted that End Waking didn't sit so much as hover on the very edge of his seat. He still looked wide-eyed, feral. +"You see, this is why I like you, Ioan," Jonas said. "The whole Bălan clade, that is. You hit that sweet spot between patient and impatient where you can stay calm, but you don't just wait forever." -"Aaalright," Jonas said, plopping his hands, palm down, on the table. "To business. I'm pleased to see you're alive, but can't say that I'm pleased to see you're about." +Ey waited. -"I imagine not, no," True Name replied, folding her paws on the table before her. "From what Ioan says, you know the general facts of what I know. There has been a long-running plan, perhaps mostly operating as a back-up, to shift one or more of me to the side depending on the status of the System. This revolved around the use of Zacharias as a tool to shape my responses while incomplete information kept me from recognizing this. Tell me, though. Are you still leaning on the multiple-Systems-multiple-governments strategy?" +"Alright then, a bit of a preview." He finished half of his drink in a few swallows. "There's a bunch of changes coming in the pipeline--" -Jonas nodded. "Yes. Oligarchy on Pollux, *status quo* on Castor, and invisible monarchy here on Lagrange." +"This AVEC?" -"You believe that this tripod will be the most stable political structure?" +Zacharias frowned, but Jonas was already nodding, "Got it in one. That's right at the top of the list. See, the LVs are too far away to communicate effectively with phys-side, getting further every day, and that puts us in a unique position, here. Suddenly, we differ from the LVs in a fundamental way. I really can't overstate how big of a deal this is, Ioan." -"I know you don't agree, but it's not a tripod, True Name. By this point, the three Systems are so far apart that they are no longer three branches of the same government. They're three countries, and three countries with identical governments yet divergent societies are unstable." +"Suddenly we have to prove our greener grass to those phys-side." -True Name made that setting-aside gesture, as though tabling the topic for the moment. "And you," she said, nodding to Zacharias. Her expression was calm, curious, interested. "You have been working on this with Jonas since around systime 36?" +"Right. The direction that we need to take with Lagrange can't just be the same old one we've been taking before. In this, True Name and I differ." He shrugged, rocking his glass gently back and forth on the table before taking another sip. "She wanted to continue on her path of subtlety, I disagreed." -"Oh, thereabouts," he said, grinning. "Though if I am honest, I have always been working with the two of you. It is not that your own goals had no effect on me, my little stink bug. I played Jonas as much as I played you, and I played my own game when I could." +Ey snorted. "Disagreed? You tried to assassinate her, Jonas." -"Bullshit," True Name said calmly, turning back to Jonas. "And so what is it that--" +"What are bullets but a disagreement?" -"Oh, fuck you," Zacharias laughed. "You do not get to dismiss me so easily. You and I rule together, quite literally, in another life. There is no reason that I should simply be waved away." +Ioan rolled eir eyes. -"Nah, it's bullshit," Jonas said, just as calm as True Name. "If you were worth anything to this conversation, you would've been part of the preparations." +"You and I disagree, then. It's like I said, though, sometimes mommies and daddies fight, Ioan. We've spent the past few years trying to hash it out. For all her focus on subtlety in guiding the System, she can be a real bitch when it comes to trying to get her point across." -"What--" +"Bullshit," ey said flatly. -"You say that you are part of the stanza, do you not?" The Only Time I Dream, the manager of the enterprise, said. +Jonas laughed. "Oh?" -"I am, but--" +"Yeah. A few reasons." Ey started ticking off points on eir fingers as ey spoke. "First, True Name didn't start down this path in the last few years that we've been learning from Artemis; she was a mess when she first got in touch with us with Codrin#Castor's first letter during convergence, so things were already in motion then. Second, The Guiding Council on Pollux is almost two decades old now, predating the arrival of the Artemisians by years, and I think that's because third, you--" Ey nodded to Zacharias. "--apparently dropped everything on her across all three Systems at the same time not that long after the launch. You two got more openly together on Pollux, and as far as Codrin#Castor can find in the perisystem, you quit shortly after telling her there. End Waking thinks --- and I agree --- you're trying to push each of the Systems in a different direction politically. Maybe you think having different political environments is more stable across societies separated by distance and time. Maybe it's some giant experiment. Who knows. It's your long game." -"I see no evidence of such." +The longer ey spoke, the more serious Jonas's expression grew, and by the time ey finished, he'd leaned back in his seat. "Well then," he said. "I suppose I don't have much more to add, then, do I? I have my conversation with True Name cut out for me." -"But May Then My Name--" +"And what conversation is that?" -"May Then My Name, do you claim Zacharias as yours?" +Jonas was back to grinning. "Oh, fuck off, Ioan. I'm not going to tell you all of my secrets! We have our shit to work through and you have to be a good little clerk and take all of your notes so that you can come back to me with a story to publish. That'll seal the deal, and we'll be ready to go our separate ways." -She shrugged. "Claim? No. I do not know this Zacharias." +Ey gave a hint of a bow. "As you say. It's settled, then, right? Two days, 11:00?" -"That is--" +"That it is. Bring your pen and paper," Jonas said, lifting his glass in a final toast before downing his drink in one go. -Jonas laughed, "Just shut up, Zacharias." +"Right." -"No," the fox growled, his whiskers all abristle and claws digging at the tabletop. "I played my role, but that does not mean that I am some disposable Judas here. A role is as much the actor as it is-- *stop!*" +Ey didn't hear if there was a reply or not. Ey simply quit. #Tracker could take care of the rest. -There was a loud thump beneath the table, though this time, Zacharias appeared to have pulled his foot away in time to keep his toes from being stomped on. Instead, he pushed himself away from the table and to his feet. A brief flicker of ungrounded rage flashed across Jonas's face, but was quickly replaced by that bright, friendly grin. +Ioan#Tracker set eir pen down with exaggerated care, closing eir notebook, then eir eyes. This was anger in so many ways, though it differed from that hot, spiky shape spinning within em that came with Zacharias's bullshit. It was a pressure within eir chest, a tension in eir shoulders, a pounding in eir head. -"Fine, fuck you too, then." +"*Fuck!*" ey shouted. Ey fell back into the paced breathing exercises that Sarah had showed em years ago. It had originally been in the context of helping May, at the time, but ey needed anything ey could get, now. -There was no signal --- or if there was, Ioan missed it --- for Guōweī to step into the sim, hand already raised as if for a slap, a short blade held between his fingers. Unassuming, easy to carry, symbolic, and certainly crowded with whatever virus it was that induced a crash in one's instance. +"*I take it you are back, then?*" May's words over the sensorium message were tentative, anxious. Clearly tension was still high. -What happened next happened almost too quickly for em to comprehend. Zacharias shouted, but the cry was cut off in a muffled *oomf* as an instance of May appeared near him, almost totally overlapping the space that he'd occupied. The collision algos knocked him backwards with enough force to slam him against the door, leaving him to crumple to the floor. +"*Yes. I'm coming outside,*" ey replied. -Guōweī's palm came down flat against May's shoulder, but there was no time to see whether or not the virus would affect an instance so far diverged, as that instance of her quit and was immediately replaced with another one, this overlapping the assassin's space, knocking him back nearly a meter, only for the skunk to fork again to repeat the maneuver. With the momentum already in play, this sent the man flying, his head cracking against the wall hard enough to leave a sizeable dent in the drywall. +Ey didn't wait for the ping of acknowledgement. Even if they weren't ready for em to be out there, ey needed to talk at least a little, get some of the weight of the conversation off eir shoulders. Ey needed to be around eir partner and friends. Ey needed to be out of that context, away from pens and paper and books and work. -And then it was over. Zacharias's yell faltered, and he stared up, wide eyed, with his gaze darting between Jonas and the remaining instance of May. Jonas had lurched away, looking more disgusted than startled. +The afternoon was settling into evening, and the plain was littered with dozens of skunks. As ey walked toward True Name's tent, though, they began to quit in small groups until it was just the three root instances kneeling around a small fire, over which they were roasting sausages. -"Get the fuck out of here," the instance of May growled. "And if I ever, *ever* see you again, you had better believe that I will take you out myself." +After bowing to End Waking and getting eir hug and skunk-kiss from both May and True Name, ey sat cross-legged between them. Once ey'd gathered emself, ey said, "That was a whole lot of bullshit. How far off is food?" -And then the instance quit, followed less than a second later by the fox rolling to the side to slip out of the sim. Ey imagined that if Jonas, True Name, and May would all do their best to destroy the fox on sight, the chances of seeing him again were low indeed. +End Waking used the tip of his knife to nudge at a few of the sausages, turning them over on the grill cantilevered over the fire. "Not long. Would you prefer to wait to share, then?" -Ey'd never seen a look like that on May's face, though, even at the height of her hatred for True Name. That had been hatred, yes, but this was rage. +"Yeah. Maybe if I have food in me, I won't shout." -"What just happened?" ey whispered to May, who gave eir hand a squeeze in her paw and shook her head. +"That was quite loud, my dear," May said, claiming one of eir hands to hold. "I am glad you did not die." -"Are we done fucking around, yet?" True Name asked, voice flat. "Because I just want to know what it is that you want of me so that I can get back to my life." +Dinner was quiet, but not unpleasant. Gentle wind through the grass, the crackling of the fire and the spit of grease from the sausages, the gamy tang of ground venison tempered with barley and herbs. -"Your *life?*" Jonas asked, incredulous. "You want to get back to your life?" +"Did he wind you up that badly?" May asked once they'd finished. -"Life, yes," she said. "Alive. Living. I want to get back to breathing and eating and drinking and sleeping. Do not take my words too far." +"Well, yes and no. He and Zacharias were both there." -He laughed, shooting his cuffs. "Well, if *that's* all you want, then we could have done without all this fuss, couldn't we?" +Both May and True Name flinched at the name, True Name's shoulders slumping. "So, yes. Winding you up." -"This fuss is necessary, remember," When I Do Not Remember, the propagandist, said, to which Jonas sighed. +Ey nodded. "I'd guessed that much, at least. I think the whole meeting was a form of that. He even admitted such, saying that he set it up mostly so that he could 'drag me around'. I called him on it." -"All you need to do is just...go away. Just disappear. Just be gone, True Name. Curl up around your little Name thing and stay there." +"I do not imagine that did any good," End Waking mumbled. -May's expression had settled back to calm, but ey could feel the tension in her paw increase, and beyond her, ey could see End Waking bare his teeth. The Odists on Jonas's side of the table flinched. None of them looked pleased. Even Why Ask Questions, jovial as she usually was, seemed to be gritting her teeth. +"Oh, not at all. The thing is, it wasn't just winding me up, though. I also think he just wanted to hear himself talk. I think he wanted to talk about all his plans because he knows his words are going to wind up in whatever I write, so he wants to get all that he can in there." -*Wait, does* he *know?* ey wondered. If ever there was a way to keep a group of Odists in check, that might just be it. +"And worded as he would like," True Name said, nodding. "No matter what we manage to come up with, he wants to ensure that the narrative has him coming out on top." -Only True Name, of all of them, remained calm. Serious, yes, but calm. "What does disappearing and being gone look like to you, Jonas?" she asked. "Do you...what? Want me to hide away in a locked-down sim forever?" +"I still don't understand, though," ey said. "Why be so transparently villainous if he's specifically having me write something to be read by the public?" -"I wouldn't say no," he shot back. +"The same reason I wound you and Codrin up. If it is just a little too sensational to be real, then he can get away with more than he might otherwise. Jonas assassinating True Name? True Name who probably assassinated Qoheleth? It is just too much to be real, but it sure is good reading, is it not?" -"No." +"Makes me feel like something of a punching bag," ey said, then sighed. "I think I'm starting to understand what Codrin#Castor was talking about in terms of getting yanked around a bit better." -"I thought not." +True Name winced and averted her gaze. "I am sorry, Mx. Bălan." -"So," she said with exaggerated patience. "What does me disappearing look like to you?" +"Shit, I'm sorry." Ey reached over to give the skunk's paw a squeeze. "That was a different time, I'm not trying to put that on you now." -"You just can't be around. You can't be you anymore. You can't be walking around and having people point and say, "Hey, it's that piece of shit skunk!" You need to just disappear, because anything else is just going to destabilize your precious System. Imagine! True Name, who didn't die, wants to bring back political parties! I'm prepared for that, but I don't think you are." +She patted the back of eir hand with her other paw, a somewhat stiff gesture, and, as always when the topic of strife in the past came up, ey could sense more of End Waking in her than True Name or May. "Thank you, Ioan. I do appreciate it. It is an unfortunate reality that politics is the science of yanking people around. Add in being an actor, and, well," she said, then shrugged. -"We are of one mind on that." +"I understand, yeah." Ey retrieved eir hand, choosing instead to gently tug May closer. She leaned against eir side gratefully. "Do you have a plan you think might work out, then? You don't have to tell me, I know you're keeping it amongst yourselves." -Jonas snorted. "Fuck if I believe you on *that.*" +End Waking nodded. "There is a good chance of it working, yes. Not a perfect chance, and there are many possible holes that he may exploit in the moment." -Ioan watched with increasing intensity. The actual words of the conversation aside, True Name's calmness seemed to be overwhelming Jonas's restraint. He seemed to be having a hard time holding back snark, all that sarcasm that made for good entertainment, perhaps, but was increasingly unbecoming for what ey thought of as a politician. +True Name nodded. "If nothing else, I think that it will buy me a quiet retirement." -Here was the Ode clade slowly diverging past reconciliation, here ey was mumbling all the more as the skunks had pointed out, and now Jonas Prime, for all his stability seemed to be having a hard time maintaining his own brand of control. +"A quiet retirement alive is still good, right? It'll be a life," ey said. -Eir frown deepened. Perhaps this was more than just a political dispute. +"It may not be an ideal life, but it will be a life, yes." -She shook her head, but whether at his words or his audacity, ey couldn't tell. "Alright, disappear. You want me to stop being a figure and start being a person. You want me to be other than I am." +"And hopefully still a good one, in the end," May added. -"Yep," he said, grin tight and false. +"Yes. If I am honest, a less than ideal but still good life is far more than I had in front of me even before all of this nonsense." She smiled wryly. "Perhaps I ought to thank him for that. I am not unhappy with what I have now, even." -"I have already begun," she said, and with a brief pause, ey saw her face and shoulders relax, a sudden shift towards an expression ey knew intimately from eir partner falling across her features. She continued in a voice softer than what it had been. Lilting, less space between the syllables. "Because I already am May Then My Name Die With Me--" Another pause, another shift, one more towards stony and stoic, voice suddenly dry and simple, almost weary. "--and I am already Do I Know God After The End Waking." Finally, she fell back into that first register. "And some part of me remains True Name, and yet I am none of these. I could not go back to that which I was even if I wished to. Tell me what it is that you want. Lay your terms on the table plainly, and we will come to an agreement." +The conversation wound down from there, and as evening dimmed into night, they fell into silence. The fire was kept low, only enough light and warmth to keep the dark at bay. -Jonas raised his eyebrows at the shifts in expression and voice. The frowns around the table on the faces of the other Odists only deepened. +Eventually, with eir lower back hurting and May starting to nod off, they made their goodnights. True Name gave em and May each a hug around the shoulders and a nose-dot to the cheek --- something they'd all grown more comfortable with over the last few weeks --- and padded off to her tent. End Waking stated that he was going to watch the fire for a while longer and then head to bed himself --- he'd set up a tent of his own a ways off from True Name's for this fork to sleep in --- leaving May and Ioan to walk back to the house together in the dark. -"How can I even begin to trust you on that? You merged your two cronies, so what? You going to go cuddle-camping with Zacharias or something? You're still you." +"I'm happy to hear her talking about a future," Ioan said, once they'd cleaned up and made their way to bed, em slouched against the headboard and May in eir lap, slouched against eir front in turn. -Both May and End Waking bristled at this, but neither spoke. +"I am too, yes. I am pleased that other than a few short fits, she has been at worst determined, and at best hopeful." -"I am not what I was, Jonas. That which was True Name does not simply sit next to that of my cocladists. They are impossibly entangled. I am not what I was." +Ey nodded and tucked eir chin up over the skunk's head. "I think that's where I am, yeah. I want this over with, and sometimes it even feels like this might even be the best outcome for everyone." -"I can tell, sure, but you know that's not enough, True Name." +"For everyone?" -"You have not offered your terms. We cannot come to agreement without." +"Well, Jonas gets what he wants and he can go play his games elsewhere, End Waking gets his feelings understood, and True Name gets to go live a life doing whatever it is she wants, right?" -His voice was intent, serious in a way ey hadn't seen before. "I am saying that you need to disappear. There is no stable future for the System if you show up in anything close to the same form as you were, and you know that. You were almost assassinated, and doubtless more than you three--" He nodded at May, End Waking, and Ioan. "--know. You show up as you are, and everything crumbles, or at the very least, starts to shift in unstable ways. Plan A was you gone, but plan B relies on you understanding that there's no recovery from a failed plan A that involves you." +She nodded. "And what of us?" -"Why did you not just ask me?" +Ey chuckled, the sound somewhat muffled by the position. "Well, I'll be happy for her, and you and I will continue being disgustingly adorable or whatever it is she accuses us of being." -"Would you have stepped down?" he asked with a sneer. +May laughed. "Well, yes. I will be happy for her and will continue loving you." -She frowned. "Doubtless you had other cards to play that did not involve Guōweī, some other leverage that did not involve death. You could not convince me, but all this high drama is over the top for you." +"Love you too, May." -"I was bored. It sounded fun. You were right there. Why not?" +"See? Gross." She giggled and hugged tighter around eir middle. "Will you let her continue to live here?" -"You were bored," she said coolly. "You were bored, so you decided to hire someone to kill me." +Shrugging carefully, ey murmured, "It'll be a conversation between the three of us. I've gotten used to it, so I'm happy to have her stick around if she wants." -Ioan watched Jonas's smile fall back into that uncaring cruelty, increasingly ungrounded. +"Same," the skunk said. "It is not perfect, but nothing that cannot be fixed by modifying the sim and nailing down some boundaries." -He waved his hand imperiously. "And I'm getting bored now. I'm surprised you're still hung up on this, True Name. You're the theatre geek--" +"I'm looking forward to getting in touch with Serene, yeah." Ey hesitated, then asked gently, "Are there boundaries she's crossed?" -"Jonas," When I Do Not Remember murmured, her voice a low warning. He only grinned. +"No, I do not think so, but it might be nice to understand the shape of our friendships when we are not waiting on some potentially life-or-death event." -True Name sighed. "Right. So now you...what, want me to look different? Sound different? I am ready to commit to staying out of the business. You want me to act the part or something? Your terms." +"I still get tripped up over you even calling her a friend," ey said, grinning. "If she'd needed to move in even a year ago, I think you would've ripped her head off two days in." -"You need to go away, True Name. I don't fucking care *how.* You make it happen or I will." +May laughed and lifted her snout to nudge at eir chin firmly. "Would not. I would have been impossible to live with, though. Whining and bitching and stress-shedding everywhere." -There was a moment's thoughtful silence from the skunk, her paws gripping the edge of the table, before she stood, pushed her chair back in, and turned away. Then in the most stunning display of forking ey'd ever seen, True Name began to change. +"Oh, so like normal, then." -Ioan had seen eir share of Dear's exhibitions, not to mention those of other instance artists the fox had introduced em to along the way, and the forking involved in all of them had been perfect. They were well rehearsed dances of duplication that told a story. +She sat up in eir lap and poked em in the chest with a dull claw. "Rude." -However, they were, whether by association with Dear or by the art itself, fanciful. The duplication was supposed to evoke a sense of magic, of wonder --- or the closely related terror. +Ey grinned. "Well, okay, not stress-shedding, just normal shedding." -In eir own work in theatre, both as an actor and as a playwright, ey'd found use for forking within a story that had remained more grounded, more tied to day to day life, and those performances had seen a success of their own through May and A Finger Pointing's guidance. +She scrubbed a paw at her flank until she came up with a little bit of shed fur to sprinkle over eir front. "Yes, yes. But I can say the same for you, my dear. A year ago, I do not think I could have pictured her giving you a goodnight kiss." -The Odists as a whole were more familiar and comfortable with forking than anyone ey'd ever met, even among the most dispersionista of dispersionista clades. Both May and Dear navigated that aspect of their lives with a grace ey could only dream of. Even the explosions of foxes or skunks during times of excitement were skillfully done. +Covering for the heat rising to eir cheeks by brushing the errant fur off eir front, ey shrugged. "That's on you. I'm used to skunks being all touchy." -This, though, went beyond that. +"Yes, but True Name?" -As they watched, True Name began to change. She worked with a singular sense of purpose that left no doubt as to what she was doing. An instance flickered into being before herself and watched with a critical eye as skunk after skunk blinked into existence. Each one bore some slight change from their immediate down-tree instance. Sometimes an array of skunks would wind up in a line before that observing instance, which would nod at one or the other in approval to leave the others to quit. And when a change was accepted, the down-tree instance would quit. +"I'm not sure she's that anymore," ey said carefully. "So I guess you're right. I couldn't imagine the True Name of a year ago giving goodnight kisses to anyone, much less you and me." -This smooth modification of form was in and of itself impressive for how naturally she began to change --- not only did the instance watching have to keep track of what change was happening and what would come next, but so did those doing the actual changing; they all had to be on the same page --- but what left em truly impressed was the speed. She began her work with about one fork per second, but before long the changes ramped up to two a second. Three. Nearly four changes per second of forks flickering into and out of existence, all while the orchestrating instance watched, her eyes flicking this way and that across them. +She grinned, nodding. "Agreed, yes. And you are okay with it?" -And then, it was over. +Ey shrugged. "Like I said, I'm used to it. It occasionally strikes me as incredibly strange. Even just talking about it now feels weird. There's this whole, dramatic plot to take out one of the most prominent people on the System, and here we are, talking about goodnight kisses." -The result was a skunk slightly shorter than True Name had stood, though still a few centimeters taller than May. She was heavier, as well, with a curve to the hips and belly that was familiar to em from eir partner, but unlike May, this softness was more...well, natural wasn't quite the right term, but where May's weight seemed to be designed to add a sense of both harmlessness and comfort to her form, this new form of True Name simply looked like a pudgy thirty-something who had settled into a comfortable weight long ago and never bothered to change. +"It is not that weird. It is an artifact of our lives. Death has a different flavor to it when we fork and quit on a whim, living for centuries at a time." She set to work brushing her fingers through eir hair. Weird to be petted, but it felt good, so ey never stopped her. She continued, "Which is not to say that it is not important and anxiety inducing to have almost lost one's life, just that, with a modicum of care, she *can* continue living, if in a restricted fashion, even if she were to miss the deadline. With less fear of death comes greater love." -Her face had shifted as well, becoming plainer in ways ey couldn't quite explain. Where True Name had always had some aspect of larger-than-life about her, she now just looked...normal. Still a furry, still living in that form that was more comfortable to her than humanity, but normal. +Eyes closed and chin tucked nearly to eir chest, ey hummed thoughtfully. "I suppose, yeah. I didn't have much life outside the System that I can compare, never mind love." -Most striking, though, was the pattern of fur. While much of it was covered now, ey'd seen the way it had shifted during the process. Gone were the two parallel stripes, the ones ey had grown to love on May, replaced with a set of white splotches in the black of her fur. The white atop her head remained, disconnected from the patch between her eyes and two others high on her temples. The pattern was eye-catching: the patches seemed to travel in a few uneven lines down over her back and sides, one of them showing a hint of a whorl, another a slight zigzag, and others that were almost round spots. This pattern seemed to be mirrored along her spine, leading to a pleasant symmetry. A quick query of the perisystem infrastructure told em that there was indeed a spotted variety of skunk, described much as ey had seen: spotted fur, shorter tail, a shorter snout that fit somewhere between that of a skunk and that of a weasel like Debarre. +May giggled. "I was not speaking of romance, my dear." -Gone were the stripes. Gone, also, were the slacks and blouse, traded in for a linen tunic and a pair of loose-fitting Thai fisherman pants. +Ey snorted, shaking eir head. "Neither was I, you nut. I just meant Rareș and my parents." -When ey was finally able to tear eir eyes away, ey saw that every Odist in the room had picked up expressions that verged from taken aback to startled and angry. May, for her part, looked startled at the display, yes, but also excited and ready. It was the same look she got before performances. +"Well, touché. We do not have very good language around love, in my defense." She ruffled eir hair and ey could hear the smirk in her voice as she said, "Not that that will ever stop me from teasing you about falling in love with her." -"May, what--" +Ey laughed and poked at her side a few times, hunting for that ticklish spot. "Who's rude now, hmm?" -"One moment, my dear," she said, then turned to face this new True Name with a grin. "Will there be a change of name?" +Giggling helplessly, May squirmed until she tipped off eir lap, curling protectively into a ball. "It is just so easy, Ionuț, do not blame me!" -There was a vanishingly faint hint of rehearsal to the words, well masked to anyone who didn't know her as intimately as ey did. Ey realized this must be their plan. Hers and True Name's and End Waking's, the one they'd been working on for days. +"I know, I know, and it's your job as an Odist to fuck with me, *et cetera, et cetera*," ey said, slipping down into bed alongside the skunk, getting eir arms around her. "I like her, but...well, whatever. It's complicated." -"There...there has to be," When I Do Not Remember said, gaze still locked on True Name, and a brief tense from May confirmed that the trap had been sprung. +She twisted in eir arms and wormed her way back against em, shaking her head. "No, you cannot just leave it at that. You have further thoughts and I want to hear." -While he lacked the context for whatever had surprised her cocladists, even Jonas sounded impressed by the display. "I won't let you leave as True Name. Stability, remember? That name means too much here." +"Further ammo for teasing, you mean." -The other seven members of True Name's stanza nodded as one, and Unasked Questions said, "You cannot be us. You cannot be who you were." +"Well, yes, but I do still want to hear." -The skunk bowed. "You may call me Sasha." +Ey sighed. "Fine. I just...well, I guess I'm sort of in the same boat as her, in that it's something I can picture, even if I can't understand it. She's so much like you --- in terms of looks and voice and now personality from the merge --- that I can imagine what that'd be like, and both she and End Waking are my friends, so there's that, too. But the context of her being True Name makes it hard to picture the...I don't know. Process?" -Ioan didn't know what ey expected from the room, but pandemonium wasn't it. May was clapping her paws delightedly and End Waking was grinning and shaking his head. Both bore the traces of rehearsal. +"The concept versus the mechanics, maybe?" -Jonas simply burst out laughing, and ey couldn't miss the bitterness in it. +"Yeah, I think so." Ey grinned and kissed the back of one of her ears. "But that's about as far as I get thinking about it before I'm distracted by this or that." -All of the rest of the Odists, however, were shouting. None of them looked pleased. +"Organizing your pen collection is usually what I accuse you of," she said. -"Not Sasha of the Ode clade, just Sasha," she said calmly but loud enough to be heard. "I will not relinquish the form, just as I will not relinquish the past, but if you want me out this badly, so be it. I rescind my membership in the clade." +"Mmhm. I guess it's the same as when you and I got together. I could kind of picture it, but had no clue beyond that." -"As do I," End Waking said, getting a smile from Sasha. - -"*That* name is unacceptable!" When I Do Not Dream hollered. "No. You will pick something else." - -"No, I will not." - -"Shut the fuck up, When I Do Not Dream," Jonas shouted. "All of you, shut the fuck up." He turned to Sasha and grinned icily, eyes now burning overbright. "You always were a little snot. You want to be Sasha? You want to dive back into mediocrity and wear your weakness like a badge? Please, by all means, be my guest. Beg for pity again. Hunt down all your little friends who kept you feeling just bad enough that they could baby you without letting you think you were their plaything." - -At this, most of the stanza bridled, and there were a few louder murmurings. - -Jonas waved it away. "Crawl back to Debarre and...fuck, what was his name? user11824? Crawl into their arms and let them prop you up long after you should've died." - -Murmurings grew to angry mutterings. - -Jonas only laughed, and that bitterness was all the more evident. "Go. Be Sasha. Live your silly little life. And you," he said through clenched teeth, jabbing a finger toward Ioan. "Write your little story. That's what you're here for, isn't it? Write your little romance and fuck your little girlfriends and put on your little plays." - -May rolled her eyes. - -"Get out. All of you." - -The rest of the stanza left, quit, or were swept --- the sim didn't seem to render them any different. Ioan guessed swept, given that Guōweī's unconscious form also disappeared. - -All through Jonas's tirade, Sasha wore a half smile. It wasn't rehearsed, wasn't self-satisfied. She simply looked present. She looked confident in herself in some more earnest way than she had in years, as though she had changed beyond just her appearance. When it was clear that he was finished, she bowed politely. - -"See you around?" - -"Fuck off." - -She laughed and reached out to take Ioan's hand in her paw, then they stepped back home, followed closely by May holding End Waking's paw. - -Once back on the plain, End Waking groaned and fell to his knees, paws digging into the soil around the tussocks of grass, then quit. May and Ioan followed suit. - -When their down-tree instances returned to the field from inside --- May bearing a (rather lopsided) cake --- they were just in time to see True Name bow to Sasha and quit. It was the last change, ey supposed, the true relinquishing of her name. - -There was a long moment of silence on the plain, then Ioan let out a ragged, pent-up breath, eir shoulders sagging. "Can someone tell me what the fuck just happened?" - -"Sasha did the one thing she could have done to piss Jonas off most," May said, grinning. "He went in thinking he'd take everything from her and left with no wind in his sails. Well done, my dear." - -Sasha beamed and bowed with a flourish. - -"And you knew this?" ey asked. - -She nodded. "To an extent. We had discussed several options, but many of the changes were new. I saw her unwind all of the changes from the last centuries--" - -"All the way back to Praiseworthy's suggestions before Secession," the other skunk said proudly. - -"--and other than the spotted skunk thing, she looks just like...well, Sasha. Nice touch, by the way." - -"I do not think I could have gotten away with staying the same skunk, even if I look similar enough while clothed. But yes, I am back to the me of...shit, when did I make Sasha like this? 2110?" - -Ioan shook eir head, dizzy. "This is what you looked like before uploading?" - -"What my --- *our* --- av looked like, yes, all except the change to a spotted skunk. They always felt too flashy, back then, and I just wanted to look like myself offline except a furry. Completely unremarkable and a species no one likes." - -"The outfit was my suggestion," End Waking said. "It always was our favorite, but for some reason, we never brought it with us to the System, and I knew the rest of the stanza would pick up on that quite easily." - -Sasha nodded. - -"I am proud of you, Sasha," he continued. "I do not yet know why I feel compelled to say that, but I am proud of you. You have much to make up for, your own penance yet to serve, but that you have done this at all is a good step forward." - -Ioan sighed and sat down heavily in the grass. "You're all completely nuts." - -The three skunks laughed. - -"Why didn't you tell me?" - -"For your story," Sasha said. "You had to go in there with an untainted view in order to write a more earnest story at the end." - -"So," ey said, organizing eir thoughts out loud. "May and End Waking--" - -"E.W." the skunk corrected. "I am E.W. of no clade." - -The other two skunks perked up and grinned wide. - -Ioan blinked, hesitated, then continued. "May and...E.W. merged down and you...I guess feel more like you used to? Back phys-side, I mean. Enough to head back to who you were before the clade began, I mean. Is that even possible?" - -"It is not a statement of reality, dear. I cannot reintegrate those aspects of myself that are not up-tree from me, and even if I could, there are those who no longer exist or who have left Lagrange," she said, that slight smile growing. "It is a statement of hope, perhaps, or a desire for completion. It is an understanding of the ways in which I fall short expressed in my very name. Will this sense of a truer life last? Perhaps. It will certainly not always feel good, and will at some point cease feeling new, but I plan on owning it for as long as I am able." - -"And how is it that this pisses off Jonas?" Ey snorted. "He certainly sounded pissed." - -Sasha knelt across from Ioan, followed shortly by E.W. and May to either side of em, May summoning up plates and cutting thick slices of cake. It was strange to see so many smiles, still strange to see May so happy around her down-tree instance and stranger still to see E.W. even in the same sim. - -"What Jonas was expecting was for me to remain True Name in everything except form and name," she said. "He was expecting someone deeply cowed by his political genius --- and do not underestimate him, he *is* still a genius. He felt that he had won his spot as rightful leader of Lagrange, if such a thing can even be said to exist. He thought that he had beaten me down and left me either unable to continue or unwilling to try." - -May added, "I suspect that he is starting to crack." - -Ioan nodded. - -"Perhaps," Sasha said. "He has not seemed fully grounded in many years, but again, do not underestimate him." - -Ioan jumped at a brief sensorium ping, a request to enter, followed shortly by Debarre popping into existence behind May, who had apparently admitted him. "What was so urgent that you pulled me away from lunch and..." he trailed off, squinting at this new skunk. "Who...but you're...what?" - -Sasha stiffened where she knelt. "Debarre," she said, bowing her head. "A pleasure to see you." - -The weasel said nothing, looking stunned. - -"This is-- was Tr--" - -"Sasha. I am Sasha. I was her as well," she said, voice gentle but insistent enough to stop Ioan from continuing. - -He stepped back a half pace, crouching as though to flee on foot. "Sasha...? What the fuck?" - -Ioan, still feeling eir head spinning from so much happening so quickly, tried to pin down eir open question in eir mind while still watching the exchange intently. - -"I am not what I was, Debarre. I am not True Name. I am not May or E.W." She hesitated, then continued, "I am not even the Sasha you remember, but I am, I think, closer to being her than any of the Ode clade is currently." - -"Bullshit," he growled. "If there's even a little bit of True Name in you, you can't be her. If you're even the slightest bit her I'm fucking out of here." - -"Wait, my love," E.W. said. "Please stay." - -Debarre hesitated. - -"If I am still here, do you not think that I agree with her? At least to a large enough extent to trust her?" - -The weasel straightened up and, when May gestured to the spot beside E.W., he slowly lowered himself to a crouch as though still ready to bolt. "I'll listen, but this had better be good." - -Sasha bowed, sitting quietly and fiddling anxiously with the hem of her tunic while May caught him up on the events of the past few months, letting the other three of them interject with corrections and confirmations. Throughout, Debarre waited, and while he didn't relax fully, by the end of the discussion, he was at least sitting all the way down. - -"So now you're Sasha," he said slowly. - -"A new Sasha. Related, but not the same Sasha you and I remember." - -"I'll buy that at least," he muttered. "You still make me really fucking nervous." - -She smiled faintly. "Do not worry, my dear. I make myself nervous." - -At the affectionate *my dear*, the weasel jolted back. - -"My apologies," Sasha said quickly. "I was not thinking. If you would like me not to use that phrase, I will do my best not to. I just have enough...well, I am different enough now that it comes automatically." - -"You have enough of E.W. in you, you mean." - -She nodded. - -"I...well, yeah. Not from you." He hesitated, eyes averted, and added, "Please." - -"Of course. - -"So tell me how this gets you anything." - -Ioan sat up straight once more, unpinning eir question. "You were saying that Jonas thought he'd beaten you." - -"Right, yes. He thought that he had left me so broken that I might fade away or even quit of my own accord. Instead, I became the one thing he could not control." - -"How, though?" ey asked. - -"Because of the *History*. The System knows about me. It knows about the Council of Eight and about Sasha and Michelle Hadje. It also knows about True Name, though, and to see that True Name has stepped down and become one of the few sympathetic figures in that same story once again means that he cannot touch me. He cannot risk reinforcing being seen as a villain--" - -"Or more of one," May muttered. - -"--by coming after me. Not only that, but with the expectation that the Sasha who was on the Council was in the right when seen in contrast to True Name, I will be seen as a balancing force rather than a co-conspirator. Him working against that risks being seen as either unbalancing an effective system or a return to a two-party system that no one wants." - -"It is not a win, *per se*," E.W. added. "She has not beaten Jonas, but she has entered into a stalemate with him." - -"Can't he still come after you, though? It's not like the whole System knows." - -"That is why he was so upset at you, as well, my dear," May said. "You will write your book and your play, and he will just have to brace himself as best he can." - -"But I haven't yet, though." - -"Of course, but if he had decided to take Sasha out anyway, you would still be left to write about *that*. Your name is already trusted enough on the System that if you were to write something after her assassination, it would still have gone poorly for him. If he had taken you out as well --- something I doubt he was prepared to do anyway --- he would be in even deeper shit." - -Ey shook eir head. Ey was feeling very far behind but needed to understand if ey was to write this book. More, ey needed to understand for emself. "So why not become Michelle?" - -"Because look at me," Sasha said, laughing and spreading her arms. "I am a furry. A *skunk* furry, no less. There is benefit to being something that is just a little silly, just as there always has been. Even after all these years, it is difficult to take someone pretending to be a small furry animal seriously, so that disarms me in the eyes of the observer." - -"So he will just leave you alone?" - -"He will have to if he wishes to remain in his position. He answers to his desire for power, I answer only to my desire for stability and continuity. In that I remain earnest in my conviction," she said by way of answer. "Even that of me which is E.W. and May. E.W. cannot love his forest if politics overwhelm his existence. May cannot hold onto her devotion. These things I know." - -May nodded slowly. "You are not wrong. I would not have used such words, but you are not wrong." - -"That of me which remains True Name has settled down," she continued. "And she still holds to the idea that politics is a means to an end. She is good at it. She enjoys it. She is willing and able to utilize it." - -"So," Debarre said. "When did you realize this might even work?" - -"It was a chance I took. One that might have failed, yes, but a good chance. It was all those times he talked about how you and Michelle were not fit to lead. Jonas had a view of me that was as inaccurate as it was easy to use against him. I have my political acumen and you have your own small group." - -Ioan watched Debarre stiffen, making note of his response. It didn't feel like the type of thing to include in the story, but it did make rather a lot of the weasel's words and actions make more sense. - -"You're nuts," Debarre said, rubbing his paws over his face to cover that response. "You're all fucking nuts." - -Ioan gestured wildly toward the weasel. "Confirmation! Fucking nuts!" - -The three skunks laughed while ey and Debarre leaned across the circle to shake hands. +She hugged eir arm to her front and nodded. "Well, whatever happens, happens. We will talk about it." +"Another time," ey mumbled, pushing eir face into her soft fur, coarser guard hairs tickling eir cheeks. "I can't imagine I'm going to be able to sleep tomorrow night, so we might as well get some tonight." diff --git a/content/read/041.md b/content/read/041.md index 143f701..a3e6e25 100644 --- a/content/read/041.md +++ b/content/read/041.md @@ -1,489 +1,484 @@ # Ioan Bălan --- 2350 -The stream of Odists who came to visit Sasha in the days and weeks after the excursion to Jonas's was surprising. They seem to have accepted her change in identity far easier than expected. There were no instances of deadnaming (unless they were specifically talking about her past as True Name, as requested), no fights, no arguments. +"I cannot help but feel that I am walking into my own execution tomorrow," True Name admitted. "I know that I am leaving behind a fork, that I will not be completely destroyed, but that does not wholly negate the sense of impending death." -Not everyone was happy, to be sure. Many of the discussions from those who stopped by were quite serious and, even though many took place in cones of silence, Ioan could easily guess that there was much in the way of airing of grievances. As far as ey could tell, though, it was done with an eye towards catharsis and reconciliation. +Ioan and May both nodded. -Serene, for instance, came over the day after the whole kerfuffle, surprising the three of them well into the evening. They'd settled for a middle ground of dinner out on the extended balcony --- close enough to the house for them to cook a proper dinner without leaving Sasha feeling cooped up inside --- when the ping against their sensoria caused the three to jolt as one. +"Is it just the finality of it all?" May asked. -"That will be Serene!" May said excitedly, setting her half-finished plate down and hopping to her feet. "I opened the ACLs to a few, hope you do not mind." +"Perhaps. Perhaps it is just the inability to predict beyond that point. I am coming up to a corner I have never seen around, and whatever predictive powers I may have fail me." -"Opened-- wait, when?" Ioan asked, setting eir own plate down. "And to how many?" +Ioan could at least understand the worries about heading into the unknown. The same feeling had been dogging em since after eir meeting with Jonas, since ey'd seen that cool look on his face when ey'd apparently preempted so much of the upcoming meeting's discussion. One minute, that would feel like a good thing --- perhaps they would make it through essentially unscathed --- and the next ey'd worry that ey'd made a complete mistake, that ey'd somehow tipped their hand by letting Jonas know just how predictable he was. -But the skunk was already gone, bounding inside to greet the fox with a hug and excited chattering. +Neither True Name nor May could say one way or another when ey'd voiced eir concerns with them. -Ioan and Sasha followed more sedately, both waiting until May had gotten her greeting out of the way before bowing to Serene. +The whole day had been scattered for them. May spent much of it glued to eir side as ey did eir best to organize eir notes in eir head for the upcoming meeting. She couldn't seem to pin herself down to one set of feelings, first laughing and joking about beating Zacharias up, then burying her face against eir shoulder and refusing to speak, ears laid flat. -"Ioan, a pleasure! It has been too long," she said, grinning widely. The grin faded, and she nodded to the spotted skunk. "And Sasha." +For her part, True Name couldn't seem to stay pinned to any one of her three identities. -"Serene, thank you for stopping by. I was not expecting to see you so soon." +Ey was at least getting more adept at spotting them in her features. There was a bright focus when that of True Name --- the old True Name, that was --- came to the fore. Her expression would become attentive, defaulting to a slight smile and eyebrows (such as they were on a skunk's features) just slightly raised. When that of End Waking showed itself in her, she'd keep her eyes half-lidded, and her gaze was far more attuned to any movement. The rest of her own movements would still, as well. She would walk quieter, more gracefully. She would speak less. -"I do not imagine so. May Then My Name has been conspiring behind the scenes, so this was all worked out ahead of time." +And when that of May came to the fore, that was when ey was at eir most confused. -"Oh? How cheeky," Sasha said, laughing. "Were you really that confident that everything would work out, dear?" +Ey had had no idea how to feel about her back when she was just True Name. Had ey really been so hesitant to call her a friend? Memories tattled on em, there: ey'd shied away from the term or qualified it every time it arose. That had only loosened up when her life was at risk, when she'd been forced to move in with them, and ey'd been forced in turn to acknowledge that her words, *I suppose it is just nice to have a friend*, had stuck with em more than ey'd cared to admit. The rest of that conversation had been full of equivocations, clarifications, delineations, and all those habits of guardedness from two decades of wariness over anything that carried a whiff of manipulation had tried to assert themselves over em once more. -May shook her head. "Reasonably confident, but I want Arrowhead Lake back no matter what, so I arranged for us a little meeting." +But no, there was something about the Ode clade that just happened to click with the Bălan clade, no matter what form or name they took, that just fell directly into friendship. It was the way they spoke, perhaps. Those complete sentences that left em uncoiling parts of emself ey hadn't known were coiled in the first place. -"Skunks, I swear." Ioan shook eir head. "Well, welcome all the same. We've got pasta, if you'd like." +Ey didn't know what it was that they saw in em in turn. There was the unspoken matter of the pronouns of the owner of the Name, and, as May had once whispered to em late one night, eir tendency to lean on rumination, on quietness and exactitude, that reminded her of someone she refused to name. Were they so alike, em and whoever had touched Michelle Hadje so long ago? Had ey and Michelle been contemporaries phys-side, would they have wound up in a relationship? Ey had no clue how to ask such a thing of them. -Once she'd heaped a plate high with food, Serene followed them out onto the balcony to join them for the rest of their meal. She wrinkled her nose at the sight of the plain. "I suppose this was the best one could do on short notice, yes?" +All ey knew is that, as Codrin had put it in a letter, "The Odists love hard and they love deep and they love fast, and it's hard not to become intoxicated beneath all that love." -"It wasn't too much, and it fit the need, yeah." +So, what was ey to do when that of eir partner, of the one ey loved most in the world, shone through in someone else? When that of May rose to prominence in True Name's expression, she was not May. She wasn't May at all. She was of three minds, and none of them were wholly absent whenever one asserted primacy. -"It has served its purpose," Sasha said. "And it is not so bad close up. A little too flat, perhaps, but the river is nice." +And yet there it was, all that drew em towards May, even if it wasn't her, right in front of em. What was ey to do with that? -Serene nodded and finished a mouthful of food before setting her fork down again. "I have at least come bearing a gift." +That ey didn't know, that ey hadn't the language, kept em from speaking of it with True Name just yet. It wasn't out of any need to hide, not out of any embarrassment --- though ey'd freely admit to eir shyness --- that ey kept it from her. Ey just didn't know how to say that, when she seemed most like May, ey was at eir most confused without turning it into a series of questions and I-don't-knows. -"Did you find your student?" +The one time ey'd brought it up with May, the idea still as yet unseasoned, she had done as she ever would, and teased em gently about 'falling in love with her' and then settled into a series of gently probing questions, trying to tease out things that ey already knew but did not yet have the words for. -"Yes. He was still about, though he has...changed much in the intervening years. He was not as pleased to see me as I might have liked." +It hadn't gone anywhere. Ey'd eventually had to put the conversation on hold out of a combination of stress and the feeling that ey ought to keep True Name's discussion on her newfound multiplicity in the face of May's desire for some more complete unity to emself. -Sasha dipped her snout. "I am assuming that he has picked up on the sentiment surrounding the clade." +So they did what they could to prepare or relax for the rest of that last day. True Name walked her prairie several times over, then came in and sat close by, then busied herself up in her head. May clung to em. Ey sorted notes. -Serene nodded. "He read the *History* and came to the same conclusion that the rest of the System did. Our name is not mud, but, my dear, relationships changed after that knowledge became public." +There was no discussion whether or not she would be staying with them that night. The three of them simply wound up in eir and May's bed, sitting or kneeling on the soft mattress while they did their best to talk about little nothings. Ioan tried to explain Romanian curses to them. May and True Name spoke earnestly about a movie ey'd never heard of. And under it all, an ever-rising current of stress lay, slowly taking over their words until they couldn't speak any longer, could only curl beneath the covers, sharing some more fundamental comfort. -"I understand." +Surprising all three of them, they did manage to get at least some sleep that night. It wasn't *good* sleep, as, at one point or another, each of them woke with a start, but they managed a few hours of dozing. -"I do not want to hear you say that you are sorry, Sasha. I do not think that is how this works as you are now, not for me. I do not want to hear your justifications and explanations; I can understand them as well as anyone. I just want to hear your acknowledgement." +Once the sky began to lighten, though, they pulled themselves blearily out of bed, Ioan making four mugs of coffee --- two black, two sweet and milky --- so that they could troop back out onto the plain and wake End Waking up --- or, as it turned out, greet him at the small fire he'd started --- and offer him a cup. -After setting her plate and fork down on the low table again, Sasha folded her paws in her lap, sat for a moment in silence, then said, "For as much as I tried to do --- for as much as Jonas and I both tried to do --- I do not think we had nearly the effect on the world around us we thought we did, not on the grand scale. We played our games of politics and influence, but it was a game of relationships from start to finish, you are correct. True Name changed relationships. May Then My Name changed relationships. E.W. played his part. I do not know if it was for the better or the worse, but I do acknowledge that it made a good many of them far more difficult." +"There is no more rehearsing to be done," he said, once they'd shed some of their grogginess. "We risk practice making permanent, at this point. All we can do is hope to remain as centered as possible throughout." -"Well, okay. Perhaps one apology." +Both of the other skunks nodded, and Ioan had to quell eir instinct to disagree. They were too tired, too keyed up, too quick to overanalyse to get anything out of forking across the prairie to wargame however many countless scenarios. Better for the four of them to sit around the low fire, sip their coffee, and watch the sun rise, May slouched against eir side and True Name and End Waking sitting apart, silent. -"I am sorry, Serene; Sustained And Sustaining." +Eventually, however, coffee long gone, they forked. End Waking and True Name's down-tree instances each went to their tents to sit and meditate as best they could, while May and Ioan's down-tree instances returned home to try baking a cake --- something demanding enough while still remaining relatively mindless. -There was another moment of silence, then Serene's wild grin returned. "Well, that felt good. Praiseworthy did all that shit, too, so, fuck it. Let me finish my food and I will fuck your sim up but good." +The only words they spoke to each other was May saying, "Good luck, have fun, and do not die." -Ioan blinked, looking between skunk and fennec. "Wait, that simple?" +The four forks held hands and paws and, with nothing other than a shared, shaky breath, stepped from the sim. -"Of course, my dear," Serene said around a mouthful of pasta. "I already told you of my thoughts on the matter. I have done my processing." +End Waking immediately flinched, crouched. They found themselves in a boardroom. A large plain of a table, notepads and pens, a second table huddling against the wall with a pitcher of water and a stack of too-small glasses. -"And now you cannot simply say something about skunks being brats," May chimed in. "Though I am pretty sure we all knew that foxes were, too." +And yet it still felt too small --- even to Ioan, who spent more of eir life inside than unbound in a forest, the ceiling was just a few inches too low, the chairs just a few inches too close to the walls. Too small, and yet too long. There was room for a table half again as long, and yet the table was set in one end of the room, leaving the other end unbalanced, empty other than a wheeled whiteboard. End Waking, who hadn't been indoors, never mind in a room too small, in nigh on a century, looked on the verge of panic. His eyes were wide, tail hiked and bristled, paws clenched in a way that reminded em of May. -Serene made a rude gesture, still grinning. +"I do not know if I can--" -Once they'd finished dinner, Serene stood, stretched, and then leaned against the balcony railing staring out over the plain. Her expression was calm, pleasant, though focused on something ey couldn't see. "Ioan, I will need ACLs over at least the exterior, including your yard, though I will do my best to keep it intact." +May squeezed his paw tightly. "You do not need to keep these memories, skunk, but you cannot leave." She added in a near whisper, "Please do not leave me." -Ey nodded, focused, and made the grant. +His nod was jerky, distracted, but still a nod. -"Thank you. Now, you may stay out here and watch, but I warn you that it can be a bit dizzy-making." +And yet, the room was empty. *Perfect time to pull the late-to-the-meeting power move.* -Ey exchanged glances with the two skunks and shrugged. "I think we're all eager to see." +Sure enough, 11:00 rolled around, no Jonas. -"Suit yourself. It was your dinner. Thank you, by the way." +It wasn't until nearly ten after that the door swung lazily open and Jonas strolled in, followed by Zacharias and the rest of the eighth stanza --- *no, Zacharias is part of that, too,* ey thought. *There's only Odists, Jonas, and me here.* -There was no further announcement. Nor, even, any change in Serene. She still looked out over the railing with a dreamy, far away look on her face even as the world dropped out beneath them. +"True Name! Delighted to see you, delighted," Jonas said, grinning widely and giving the barest hint of a bow. -The plain rippled and flexed, arching up high to the sky as though stretching after a long nap. Trees pried their way from the soil. Rocks broke free from the land. The river --- the one immediately before them, at least --- collapsed into itself to form a wide lake. The rest of the distant echoed versions of the plain where not occupied by the immediate mountains crinkled into some more complex geometry, the remainder of the range echoed outside the valley. +The skunk had apparently amped up all that she could of her old self, as her smile was earnest and wide, and her bow the perfect mix of polite and friendly. "Glad you could make it, my dear. I trust you have been well?" -It *was* a little vertigo-inducing, too. The worst of it wasn't due to the sudden change in the shape of the landscape, but in just how, well...serene it all was. The river shaping itself into the lake was not accompanied by some grand splashing of waves, but simply the remaking of the water. There were no falling rocks or grand earthquakes, just the reshaping of the world. The light shifted. Gravity swayed, settled. All of it was silent, anechoic. +He shifted smoothly to accommodate this response. "Quite well, quite well. Feels like it's been a bit of a vacation for the both of us, eh? You enjoy a bit of time off at the lake?" -And then it was done. +That grin of hers widened, and she nodded. "Quite a bit, actually. We never quite got to roasting marshmallows, but it is really hard to go wrong with potatoes roasted in the embers. They get a little smoky, even the insides." -"H-holy fuck," ey managed, clutching at the railing of the balcony. Both May and Sasha stood defiantly against the change, though neither looked as casual as the fox. +End Waking stared at True Name as though she was an Artemisian, suddenly having made their way across the light-days back to Lagrange. Hell, Ioan was staring at her like she was an alien. So quickly and smoothly had her anxiety been transmuted into this calm, friendly social efficiency that it was as though the last months had been erased from her features. -"I have set your house up the hill a ways from the default entry point to the old sim. That it was already on stilts proved quite useful. The angle of the sun may be a bit different, but not so much as to be a problem," she said, gesturing them down the steps from Sasha's side of the balcony. They landed on a flagstone pad set into the bed of pine needles, a small trail winding its way down the slope toward the water. She gestured toward the small ridge that rose next to them. "I had to modify the terrain a little bit to keep your yard level. You should be okay, but if you run into erosion problems, do let me know. I have been told of your affinity for weather, Ioan." +There was some other conversation going on here, ey realized. It wasn't just that they were talking pleasantries before a meeting, but that there was an exchange of information that took place on some subtler plane of existence. They were feeling each other out, listening to tone of voice more than the content of words, watching features and postures rather than seeing an old friend. There was some deeper level of communication that ey simply couldn't latch onto. -Sure enough, the fence remained level, wrapping around a small rectangle of hidden grass and dandelions, the tops of lilac bushes overflowing. +With that in mind, ey could at least do eir best to focus on the less direct forms of language around the room. -The path teed with the long familiar deer trail that wound around the lake, and, out of habit, they all started down towards the rock. +True Name had talked em through the stanza and their roles beforehand, at least. She herself had been focused on the politics, of course, but also acted as consensus builder among the members of her stanza. -"Fauna?" Serene asked. +Ey knew well that May had been focused on swaying individual hearts and minds toward a cause that initially had been True Name's, and then later simply shaped by her as best as could be managed. -"Please." Sasha smiled sheepishly. "I would not like a repeat of that particular mistake." +End Waking had been instrumental in tracking, understanding, and to whatever level possible, influencing financial markets phys-side, though he'd admitted to Ioan, one night out on the plain, that the chances that he'd actually had a dramatic effect on the markets was astoundingly low and that the financial trajectory had likely been set by forces larger than they could manage --- at least, that was the hope that had kept him going. -Grinning and nodding, Serene kept up her steady pace, humming a little under her breath. There was no change that ey could see, though ey imagined her counting deer, rabbits, squirrels, and birds into existence. +Ey knew the two 'Why's from the history: Why Ask Questions, Here At The End Of All Things was the frightfully friendly crowd-rouser who had worked with groups of individuals sys-side, while Why Ask Questions When The Answers Will Not Help had focused on similar tactics phys-side. However, given that her task was limited to text, she seemed notably out of her element in in-person interactions, coming off as petty and cruel as often as funny and sarcastic. -For eir part, ey simply walked, hand in paw with May, and marveled. Ey'd discovered the lake decades ago, had spent countless days out here on walks, and at least one night camping. Still, it felt somehow new. Ey was rediscovering this place that ey'd not seen in months --- though ey'd spent longer stints away from it in the past --- and marveling at the detail all over again. A glance back over eir shoulder showed eir flat-roofed house peeking shyly from amid the trees, but other than that, it was, ey assumed, the same as it had been. +The Only Time I Dream Is When I Need An Answer had acted as a manager, scheduler, and clerk for the enterprise. Wickedly intelligent, she had done more than block in times for meetings; she had organized meetings between precisely the right individuals at precisely the right times. -After so long away and after so much stress it felt all the more real. +To Know One's True Name Is To Know God had settled comfortably into data analysis, collecting both the raw data that she could from the perisystem feeds and the net phys-side as well as the information collected by her cocladists and the Jonases. She was a being of reports. -They sat on the rock near the end of the lake and enjoyed the last of the sun. It was a little tight for four, but May tucked quite nicely up against eir side and Sasha, having slipped more into an E.W. mindset, had settled off to the side. She looked antsy, and ey suspected she'd request time to hike soon enough. +To Know God Is To Answer Unasked Questions had done her best to specialize in the fields of information and game theory, but this had more often come down to simple information security and hygiene. She decided where and how far information traveled. -"How is the rest of the clade taking this?" she asked. "I sent a clade-wide message, but have not received responses." +Do I Know God When I Do Not Remember Myself and Do I Know God When I Do Not Dream worked as a mismatched pair. When I Do Not Remember worked as a propagandist while When I Do Not Dream worked almost entirely on the perisystem, translating back and forth for her cocladists and finding the best way to worm her way through the inter- and intrasystem text channels. -Serene looked up from where she was investigating a few pine needles plucked from a branch on the way over with a discriminating eye. "I think that reactions will be largely positive even if they are not universally so. Several of my stanza have been been talking, and many feel as I do. It is fine, I am sure, and I have processed what I needed to and gotten what I wanted." +Were ey pressed to name each of them without knowing this information, ey didn't think ey'd be able to. Ey knew the three skunks of the stanza and could readily tell them apart, but the rest simply looked like a gaggle of the very same woman: short, soft, round face and curly black hair. However, there were indeed differences there to be seen. Why Ask Questions was just a centimeter or two taller and more open of expression. When I Do Not Remember and When I Do Not Dream both had a hunch to their shoulders that ey could not quite explain; perhaps a posture that stuck after too much writing. -"Of course. I have been abandoned by the rest of my stanza, but at this point, the larger part of me does not want to have anything to do with them, anyway. I do not imagine Loss For Images and her ilk will take it well. I do hope that A Finger Pointing and I will have a chance to speak soon, as I am now enough May that I would enjoy attending a play or two." +As it was, ey did eir best to guess, and when introductions made their way around the table, ey found eir guesses to be correct in each case. -"'May'?" Serene said, tiling her head and looking to the other skunk. "Have you forgiven her, then?" +At last, the parade of bows and greetings out of the way, each of the thirteen --- counting em, Jonas, and Zacharias --- pulled out a chair and sat down, though ey noted that End Waking didn't sit so much as hover on the very edge of his seat. He still looked wide-eyed, feral. -May nodded. "Forgiven is maybe not the best word. I have internalized the way things are and accepted the way things were. I am pleased to know Sasha and who she has become." +"Aaalright," Jonas said, plopping his hands, palm down, on the table. "To business. I'm pleased to see you're alive, but can't say that I'm pleased to see you're about." -The other skunk smiled faintly, nodded. "Though for all Ioan talked about trying to fix things, I place the largest part of who I have become on you, dear." +"I imagine not, no," True Name replied, folding her paws on the table before her. "From what Ioan says, you know the general facts of what I know. There has been a long-running plan, perhaps mostly operating as a back-up, to shift one or more of me to the side depending on the status of the System. This revolved around the use of Zacharias as a tool to shape my responses while incomplete information kept me from recognizing this. Tell me, though. Are you still leaning on the multiple-Systems-multiple-governments strategy?" -"I wasn't going to say anything," Ioan said, grinning. +Jonas nodded. "Yes. Oligarchy on Pollux, *status quo* on Castor, and invisible monarchy here on Lagrange." -May elbowed em in the side. "Hush, you." +"You believe that this tripod will be the most stable political structure?" -"I will not laugh at you two too much, then." Serene laughed anyway, though not unkindly. "What are your plans moving forward? I trust that you are essentially locked out of what you were working on as True Name." +"I know you don't agree, but it's not a tripod, True Name. By this point, the three Systems are so far apart that they are no longer three branches of the same government. They're three countries, and three countries with identical governments yet divergent societies are unstable." -"Yes, and while there is a part of me that remains disappointed about this outcome, there is little to be done about it but move forward." Sasha brought her tail around to her lap to brush it out. It was shorter than a striped skunk's tail, it seemed, and less thickly furred. "I will take a vacation, first. I will sleep a normal amount. I will eat good food. I will wear myself out on the hunt and take what comfort I can while I remain here. I will rest, and then I will write." +True Name made that setting-aside gesture, as though tabling the topic for the moment. "And you," she said, nodding to Zacharias. Her expression was calm, curious, interested. "You have been working on this with Jonas since around systime 36?" -"Write? Really?" +"Oh, thereabouts," he said, grinning. "Though if I am honest, I have always been working with the two of you. It is not that your own goals had no effect on me, my little stink bug. I played Jonas as much as I played you, and I played my own game when I could." -"Yes. I must be careful not to be seen as overtly influencing lest I bring on Jonas's ire, but I would like to share the story of the last few centuries from my point of view. I do not know who will be interested except perhaps our two clades, but I will write." +"Bullshit," True Name said calmly, turning back to Jonas. "And so what is it that--" -"Well, if it's anything like the *History*," Ioan said, "it'll wind up wildly popular and then fade into part of the mythos of the System." +"Oh, fuck you," Zacharias laughed. "You do not get to dismiss me so easily. You and I rule together, quite literally, in another life. There is no reason that I should simply be waved away." -May grinned. "And all will be as it should." +"Nah, it's bullshit," Jonas said, just as calm as True Name. "If you were worth anything to this conversation, you would've been part of the preparations." -"Of course. I will not complain. So long as I am better able to understand who I have become and fill my time with something fulfilling, then I will be happy." +"What--" -"*Will* you be happy?" Serene asked. +"You say that you are part of the stanza, do you not?" The Only Time I Dream, the manager of the enterprise, said. -There was a long silence as Sasha finished brushing out her tail and spent a few minutes simply staring across the lake, perhaps mapping the opposite shore and marking spots for future exploration. +"I am, but--" -Finally, she said, "I think that I will be. I am of three minds and will ever be such. I will have moments of happiness, moments of sadness and terror and regret, but they will ever be in thirds." +"I see no evidence of such." -"Are you okay with that?" +"But May Then My Name--" -Sasha stood and stretched, finally turning her gaze back to them. "Himself has but to will And easy as a Star Look down upon Captivity And laugh." +"May Then My Name, do you claim Zacharias as yours?" -With no further explanation, she bowed and edged around them on her way down off the rock. She moved quietly and efficiently, and it was a matter of moments before they lost sight of her in the trees. +She shrugged. "Claim? No. I do not know this Zacharias." -They sat and shared quiet stories of the past through the remainder of the evening. +"That is--" ------ +Jonas laughed, "Just shut up, Zacharias." -The next Odists to visit were A Finger Pointing and Slow Hours, once more arriving as a pair and hugging Sasha in turn. They set up a cone of silence and spoke together for a scant twenty minutes before dropping it again and inviting Ioan and May to join. They pulled the beanbag a little closer to the couch and settled down on it together to listen. +"No," the fox growled, his whiskers all abristle and claws digging at the tabletop. "I played my role, but that does not mean that I am some disposable Judas here. A role is as much the actor as it is-- *stop!*" -"It is easy to say that all is full of love," Slow Hours began, smiling to Sasha. "But now, I think, you have a sense of your own." +There was a loud thump beneath the table, though this time, Zacharias appeared to have pulled his foot away in time to keep his toes from being stomped on. Instead, he pushed himself away from the table and to his feet. A brief flicker of ungrounded rage flashed across Jonas's face, but was quickly replaced by that bright, friendly grin. -The skunk smiled and bowed her head. +"Fine, fuck you too, then." -"Life will be easier for a while, and then it will be harder. You will share your loves, first with another and then with solitude, and with each you long for the other until you return." Her expression slipped into a lopsided grin. "Does not matter one fucking bit, though, so I would not worry." +There was no signal --- or if there was, Ioan missed it --- for Guōweī to step into the sim, hand already raised as if for a slap, a short blade held between his fingers. Unassuming, easy to carry, symbolic, and certainly crowded with whatever virus it was that induced a crash in one's instance. -"Mere breath?" Sasha asked, grinning. +What happened next happened almost too quickly for em to comprehend. Zacharias shouted, but the cry was cut off in a muffled *oomf* as an instance of May appeared near him, almost totally overlapping the space that he'd occupied. The collision algos knocked him backwards with enough force to slam him against the door, leaving him to crumple to the floor. -"A chasing after the wind, yes." +Guōweī's palm came down flat against May's shoulder, but there was no time to see whether or not the virus would affect an instance so far diverged, as that instance of her quit and was immediately replaced with another one, this overlapping the assassin's space, knocking him back nearly a meter, only for the skunk to fork again to repeat the maneuver. With the momentum already in play, this sent the man flying, his head cracking against the wall hard enough to leave a sizeable dent in the drywall. -"And you will come to a performance," A Finger Pointing added. "I am no oracle, but if you do not come, I will hunt you down myself. It has been too long, my dear." +And then it was over. Zacharias's yell faltered, and he stared up, wide eyed, with his gaze darting between Jonas and the remaining instance of May. Jonas had lurched away, looking more disgusted than startled. -She laughed. "Of course. So many threats to hunt me down, these days. But yes, thank you." +"Get the fuck out of here," the instance of May growled. "And if I ever, *ever* see you again, you had better believe that I will take you out myself." -"And if you do not watch me perform my monologue, I will trim your claws too short in your sleep," May said. "There is a monologue night coming up soon." +And then the instance quit, followed less than a second later by the fox rolling to the side to slip out of the sim. Ey imagined that if Jonas, True Name, and May would all do their best to destroy the fox on sight, the chances of seeing him again were low indeed. -"Far worse than being hunted down, that. I will be there." +Ey'd never seen a look like that on May's face, though, even at the height of her hatred for True Name. That had been hatred, yes, but this was rage. -May preened. +"What just happened?" ey whispered to May, who gave eir hand a squeeze in her paw and shook her head. -After that, they fell into comfortable conversation. Sasha joined Ioan and May on the beanbag to get some pets --- the talk having apparently nudged the affectionate part of her to the fore --- while Slow Hours spoke in fewer 'will's and 'shall's and settled down into the normal conversational mode of the rest of the Odists. They spoke of performances past, going all the way back to before the founding of the System, back to their time in high school. The four Odists performed a small segment of the Dickinson play they always seemed to quote from, a first for any of the Bălans in the nearly fifty years their clades had been entangled. +"Are we done fucking around, yet?" True Name asked, voice flat. "Because I just want to know what it is that you want of me so that I can get back to my life." -Ey didn't understand, but ey didn't need to. +"Your *life?*" Jonas asked, incredulous. "You want to get back to your life?" ------ +"Life, yes," she said. "Alive. Living. I want to get back to breathing and eating and drinking and sleeping. Do not take my words too far." -It was nearly a month before Debarre, Douglas, and Sasha agreed to meet. Debarre's side of the negotiations remained stiff and distant, the weasel initially refusing to see Sasha after that first meeting. Douglas seemed to have set aside any sense of caution, speaking with palpable excitement. As soon as he'd learned of the change of name back to something more closely associated with his distant relative, he'd hardly spoken of anything else. +He laughed, shooting his cuffs. "Well, if *that's* all you want, then we could have done without all this fuss, couldn't we?" -Eventually, though, meeting was set up for dinner on the dandelion-dotted field, a small potluck picnic late in the evening so that the skunks wouldn't overheat in the sun. +"This fuss is necessary, remember," When I Do Not Remember, the propagandist, said, to which Jonas sighed. -Everyone arrived simultaneously by Debarre's request so that no one was left waiting for anyone else. Ioan, May, and Sasha stepped into the sim just in time to see Debarre and E.W. arriving. The six of them stood in a circle in front of Douglas's stoop, dandelions and evening bumblers tickling at their ankles. +"All you need to do is just...go away. Just disappear. Just be gone, True Name. Curl up around your little Name thing and stay there." -Or, at least they stood in a circle for a moment. Sasha almost immediately stumbled back from the group, turning in two slow, wavering circles before falling to her knees. +May's expression had settled back to calm, but ey could feel the tension in her paw increase, and beyond her, ey could see End Waking bare his teeth. The Odists on Jonas's side of the table flinched. None of them looked pleased. Even Why Ask Questions, jovial as she usually was, seemed to be gritting her teeth. -"Sasha?" Ioan said, startled. +*Wait, does* he *know?* ey wondered. If ever there was a way to keep a group of Odists in check, that might just be it. -"Too much," she mumbled shakily. "Too much at once." +Only True Name, of all of them, remained calm. Serious, yes, but calm. "What does disappearing and being gone look like to you, Jonas?" she asked. "Do you...what? Want me to hide away in a locked-down sim forever?" -May padded over to kneel next to her. "May I hug?" +"I wouldn't say no," he shot back. -After a moment of strained silence, Sasha slumped against May's side, and the two sat together while she let out that overwhelming emotion within a cone of silence. +"No." -Ioan, Debarre, E.W., and Douglas took the time to set up the picnic, a rickety table bearing plates of various salads, roasted vegetables, and the makings for venison sandwiches, courtesy of E.W.. They moved in silence, hesitantly, each pausing every now and then to watch as Sasha slowly worked to calm herself. +"I thought not." -"That was not the greeting that I had intended," she said, once she had cleaned up in Douglas's house and joined them at the table to pick up a plate. "I was hoping that I would be able to greet you all politely, settle into some easier conversation, but that of True Name has not been here in too long. This place is too charged with memories, as are your faces. Even for that of E.W. and May, there is too much bound up in the last few months." +"So," she said with exaggerated patience. "What does me disappearing look like to you?" -"Are you feeling better now?" Douglas asked. +"You just can't be around. You can't be you anymore. You can't be walking around and having people point and say, "Hey, it's that piece of shit skunk!" You need to just disappear, because anything else is just going to destabilize your precious System. Imagine! True Name, who didn't die, wants to bring back political parties! I'm prepared for that, but I don't think you are." -She nodded. "I am leaning on the other portions of myself now. I will have much processing to do yet, but tonight is for dinner with friends, or at least with those I hope will be friends." +"We are of one mind on that." -"I certainly hope we can be friends." Douglas laughed. "I mean, those are the first words we've ever really spoken to each other, but I'm happy to have the chance to meet you." +Jonas snorted. "Fuck if I believe you on *that.*" -"Or at least meet a third of me." +Ioan watched with increasing intensity. The actual words of the conversation aside, True Name's calmness seemed to be overwhelming Jonas's restraint. He seemed to be having a hard time holding back snark, all that sarcasm that made for good entertainment, perhaps, but was increasingly unbecoming for what ey thought of as a politician. -"Well, yes, but you're still a new person to me and very...uh," he trailed off, frowning down to his plate. "Well, very close to someone I've thought a lot about, I guess." +Here was the Ode clade slowly diverging past reconciliation, here ey was mumbling all the more as the skunks had pointed out, and now Jonas Prime, for all his stability seemed to be having a hard time maintaining his own brand of control. -She smiled and leaned over to pat his shoulder. "We will talk, dear. That part of me has heard so much about you and is so colored by what the other parts of me know, that I am eager to learn, as well." +Eir frown deepened. Perhaps this was more than just a political dispute. -Debarre remained stiff and awkward, even as they settled down on the blanket to eat, plates piled high with various dishes and cups of sangria set carefully in the grass behind them. He wouldn't make eye contact with Sasha and seemed hesitant to speak even to Ioan and May. +She shook her head, but whether at his words or his audacity, ey couldn't tell. "Alright, disappear. You want me to stop being a figure and start being a person. You want me to be other than I am." -Eventually, he cleared his throat, set his plate down, and stared steadily at Sasha. "I think you owe me an apology. At least from the, uh...what did you call it? The True Name part of you?" +"Yep," he said, grin tight and false. -As she had done with Serene, Sasha set her plate down as well, folded her paws in her lap, and bowed to the weasel. Ioan could tell by the set of her features and the straightness of her shoulders that she was indeed doing her best to keep that part of her at the fore. "I am sorry, Debarre. The things that I did were for what I thought was best, but they wound up hurting a good many people. They were not fair to you and I apologize for the pain I caused. While I do not think I even *could* anymore, I will all the same endeavor not to act in such single-minded ways again." +"I have already begun," she said, and with a brief pause, ey saw her face and shoulders relax, a sudden shift towards an expression ey knew intimately from eir partner falling across her features. She continued in a voice softer than what it had been. Lilting, less space between the syllables. "Because I already am May Then My Name Die With Me--" Another pause, another shift, one more towards stony and stoic, voice suddenly dry and simple, almost weary. "--and I am already Do I Know God After The End Waking." Finally, she fell back into that first register. "And some part of me remains True Name, and yet I am none of these. I could not go back to that which I was even if I wished to. Tell me what it is that you want. Lay your terms on the table plainly, and we will come to an agreement." -Ioan couldn't read Debarre's expression well enough to gauge his thoughts on the matter, but judging by the way he loosened up and joined in more of the conversations after that, speaking even with Sasha, he seemed to at least have accepted the words to an extent. +Jonas raised his eyebrows at the shifts in expression and voice. The frowns around the table on the faces of the other Odists only deepened. -Debarre and E.W. stayed for a few hours after dinner, long enough to see the first stars show themselves above the field, before they stepped back to the skunk's sim. +"How can I even begin to trust you on that? You merged your two cronies, so what? You going to go cuddle-camping with Zacharias or something? You're still you." -Shortly after, Sasha stood, the other three following suit. She hugged Ioan and May around the shoulders and gave each of them a touch of the nose to the cheek. "If you two do not mind, I would like to go for a walk with Douglas and speak with him alone." +Both May and End Waking bristled at this, but neither spoke. -They nodded and returned the hugs and kisses, getting hugs from Douglas as well before they stepped back home. +"I am not what I was, Jonas. That which was True Name does not simply sit next to that of my cocladists. They are impossibly entangled. I am not what I was." -"Do you think Douglas still puts too much stock in who you used to be?" Ioan asked once they were home and comfortable. +"I can tell, sure, but you know that's not enough, True Name." -May was a while in answering. "Perhaps, yes. We are not Michelle, have not been for centuries. None of us are Sasha --- least of all Sasha." +"You have not offered your terms. We cannot come to agreement without." -Ioan nodded, brushing out the skunk's tail with a fine-toothed comb as ey'd been commanded. "He really relaxed after uploading, at least. Just a few little spikes in interest when certain things came up." +His voice was intent, serious in a way ey hadn't seen before. "I am saying that you need to disappear. There is no stable future for the System if you show up in anything close to the same form as you were, and you know that. You were almost assassinated, and doubtless more than you three--" He nodded at May, End Waking, and Ioan. "--know. You show up as you are, and everything crumbles, or at the very least, starts to shift in unstable ways. Plan A was you gone, but plan B relies on you understanding that there's no recovery from a failed plan A that involves you." -"As hyperfixations go, it is a relatively innocuous one," she said, yawning. "But I am at least pleased to see that he is both engaging with other things and finding fulfillment in this aspect of his life when he can." +"Why did you not just ask me?" -"Besides, it's not like you guys don't hyperfixate on things." +"Would you have stepped down?" he asked with a sneer. -"Mmhm," she mumbled sleepily. "But all the same, we have been slowly drifting away from what we used to be over the years, and in the face of all that we have seen, that is not such a bad thing." +She frowned. "Doubtless you had other cards to play that did not involve Guōweī, some other leverage that did not involve death. You could not convince me, but all this high drama is over the top for you." -"How do you feel about her apology?" +"I was bored. It sounded fun. You were right there. Why not?" -"How do you mean?" +"You were bored," she said coolly. "You were bored, so you decided to hire someone to kill me." -Ey shrugged. "It felt...I don't know, a little rehearsed, maybe." +Ioan watched Jonas's smile fall back into that uncaring cruelty, increasingly ungrounded. -May curled in against eir side, yawning once more. "Perhaps. She said what Debarre needed to hear, I think, and it was no less earnest for that. As much as he means to us, that is no bad thing, either." +He waved his hand imperiously. "And I'm getting bored now. I'm surprised you're still hung up on this, True Name. You're the theatre geek--" ------ +"Jonas," When I Do Not Remember murmured, her voice a low warning. He only grinned. -Ioan wasn't sure why ey kept feeling surprised at the number of loose threads from just one event that needed tying. The business with Qoheleth had been about as complicated, and had required meeting with several other Odists in order to finish the story, and each one came with a different tenor. +True Name sighed. "Right. So now you...what, want me to look different? Sound different? I am ready to commit to staying out of the business. You want me to act the part or something? Your terms." -The same was true here, as well. Many members of the clade --- some of whom ey'd not yet met --- visited and requested time with Sasha or with the three of them. Still, ey realized, this culmination came after two and a quarter centuries for some, so perhaps it made sense. +"You need to go away, True Name. I don't fucking care *how.* You make it happen or I will." -Not all of these interactions went smoothly. +There was a moment's thoughtful silence from the skunk, her paws gripping the edge of the table, before she stood, pushed her chair back in, and turned away. Then in the most stunning display of forking ey'd ever seen, True Name began to change. -Barely a month after that dinner with Debarre and Douglas on the field, two of the most dramatic happened within the span of a week. +Ioan had seen eir share of Dear's exhibitions, not to mention those of other instance artists the fox had introduced em to along the way, and the forking involved in all of them had been perfect. They were well rehearsed dances of duplication that told a story. -May stumbled in the middle of a Wednesday morning rehearsal, falling to her knees, panting, before pushing herself to her feet. She managed to make it through the rest of the scene before forking off so that she could continue as best she could while her root instance ducked back home. +However, they were, whether by association with Dear or by the art itself, fanciful. The duplication was supposed to evoke a sense of magic, of wonder --- or the closely related terror. -Once there, she darted over towards where Ioan sat at eir desk, working through the process of writing Jonas's book. She knelt beside em, clutched a pawful of eir shirt and set up a cone of silence. Ey felt the ACL-scape of the cone shift several times until it was just about as secure as could be made. +In eir own work in theatre, both as an actor and as a playwright, ey'd found use for forking within a story that had remained more grounded, more tied to day to day life, and those performances had seen a success of their own through May and A Finger Pointing's guidance. -"May? What--" +The Odists as a whole were more familiar and comfortable with forking than anyone ey'd ever met, even among the most dispersionista of dispersionista clades. Both May and Dear navigated that aspect of their lives with a grace ey could only dream of. Even the explosions of foxes or skunks during times of excitement were skillfully done. -"Zacharias! He has been pinging me once every few seconds for the last minute!" She was on the verge of hyperventilation, eyes wide and tail bristled. "I do not know what-- *fuck!*" +This, though, went beyond that. -Ioan slid from eir chair as the skunk started to slump over to the side. Ey helped her to her feet and over to the beanbag. "May, what's happening?" +As they watched, True Name began to change. She worked with a singular sense of purpose that left no doubt as to what she was doing. An instance flickered into being before herself and watched with a critical eye as skunk after skunk blinked into existence. Each one bore some slight change from their immediate down-tree instance. Sometimes an array of skunks would wind up in a line before that observing instance, which would nod at one or the other in approval to leave the others to quit. And when a change was accepted, the down-tree instance would quit. -"He keeps...quitting and...sending high-priority merges..." she gasped. "The cone will not...stop those..." +This smooth modification of form was in and of itself impressive for how naturally she began to change --- not only did the instance watching have to keep track of what change was happening and what would come next, but so did those doing the actual changing; they all had to be on the same page --- but what left em truly impressed was the speed. She began her work with about one fork per second, but before long the changes ramped up to two a second. Three. Nearly four changes per second of forks flickering into and out of existence, all while the orchestrating instance watched, her eyes flicking this way and that across them. -"You okay for a few seconds?" +And then, it was over. -Slumped over on the beanbag, the skunk nodded. +The result was a skunk slightly shorter than True Name had stood, though still a few centimeters taller than May. She was heavier, as well, with a curve to the hips and belly that was familiar to em from eir partner, but unlike May, this softness was more...well, natural wasn't quite the right term, but where May's weight seemed to be designed to add a sense of both harmlessness and comfort to her form, this new form of True Name simply looked like a pudgy thirty-something who had settled into a comfortable weight long ago and never bothered to change. -Ey stepped from the cone, where May had clearly blocked sensorium messages from the fox, so that ey could holler into a message, "What the fuck do you want?" +Her face had shifted as well, becoming plainer in ways ey couldn't quite explain. Where True Name had always had some aspect of larger-than-life about her, she now just looked...normal. Still a furry, still living in that form that was more comfortable to her than humanity, but normal. -"Ioan! I need to...can I--" +Most striking, though, was the pattern of fur. While much of it was covered now, ey'd seen the way it had shifted during the process. Gone were the two parallel stripes, the ones ey had grown to love on May, replaced with a set of white splotches in the black of her fur. The white atop her head remained, disconnected from the patch between her eyes and two others high on her temples. The pattern was eye-catching: the patches seemed to travel in a few uneven lines down over her back and sides, one of them showing a hint of a whorl, another a slight zigzag, and others that were almost round spots. This pattern seemed to be mirrored along her spine, leading to a pleasant symmetry. A quick query of the perisystem infrastructure told em that there was indeed a spotted variety of skunk, described much as ey had seen: spotted fur, shorter tail, a shorter snout that fit somewhere between that of a skunk and that of a weasel like Debarre. -"No. No coming over." +Gone were the stripes. Gone, also, were the slacks and blouse, traded in for a linen tunic and a pair of loose-fitting Thai fisherman pants. -"A neutral place?" +When ey was finally able to tear eir eyes away, ey saw that every Odist in the room had picked up expressions that verged from taken aback to startled and angry. May, for her part, looked startled at the display, yes, but also excited and ready. It was the same look she got before performances. -"Do you need May there?" +"May, what--" -"Yes!" +"One moment, my dear," she said, then turned to face this new True Name with a grin. "Will there be a change of name?" -Ey sighed. "I'll ask. No guarantees." +There was a vanishingly faint hint of rehearsal to the words, well masked to anyone who didn't know her as intimately as ey did. Ey realized this must be their plan. Hers and True Name's and End Waking's, the one they'd been working on for days. -"No, I...no," the skunk mumbled once ey stepped back into the cone. She'd managed to sit up and while the panicked look on her face had calmed, the beginnings of rage had taken its place. "He cannot come here." +"There...there has to be," When I Do Not Remember said, gaze still locked on True Name, and a brief tense from May confirmed that the trap had been sprung. -"Maybe Douglas's to keep him from being too much? If Sasha's reaction was anything to go by, it might quell him, or at least keep him distracted." +While he lacked the context for whatever had surprised her cocladists, even Jonas sounded impressed by the display. "I won't let you leave as True Name. Stability, remember? That name means too much here." -The skunk sat, silent, for a moment, holding onto one of eir hands tightly. "Will Douglas be around to sweep if needed?" +The other seven members of True Name's stanza nodded as one, and Unasked Questions said, "You cannot be us. You cannot be who you were." -Ey nodded. +The skunk bowed. "You may call me Sasha." -"Now?" +Ioan didn't know what ey expected from the room, but pandemonium wasn't it. May was clapping her paws delightedly and End Waking was grinning and shaking his head. Both bore the traces of rehearsal. -"Yeah, I think so. I'm not sure I trust that he'll leave you alone if we put him off." +Jonas simply burst out laughing, and ey couldn't miss the bitterness in it. -"I--" +All of the rest of the Odists, however, were shouting. None of them looked pleased. -They were interrupted by a rapidly crescendoing thudding sound followed by the scrabble of claws on the glass of the sliding door, Sasha finally finding purchase and whipping it open. May dropped the cone of silence. +"Not Sasha of the Ode clade, just Sasha," she said calmly but loud enough to be heard. "I will not relinquish the form, just as I will not relinquish the past, but if you want me out this badly, so be it. I rescind my membership in the clade." -"What the fuck is happening?!" Sasha shouted. +"As do I," End Waking said, getting a smile from Sasha. -"You too, then?" +"*That* name is unacceptable!" When I Do Not Dream hollered. "No. You will pick something else." -Sasha frowned, straightened up, and brushed out her tunic. "Yes. He just about knocked me out with the amount of adrenaline he sent my way. You look ready to go, though. Do you have a plan?" +"No, I will not." -"We're going to meet him at Douglas's field. That's about the start and end of it, though." Ioan took a deep breath and tried to tamp down the urge to pace. "Do you want to come?" +"Shut the fuck up, When I Do Not Dream," Jonas shouted. "All of you, shut the fuck up." He turned to Sasha and grinned icily, eyes now burning overbright. "You always were a little snot. You want to be Sasha? You want to dive back into mediocrity and wear your weakness like a badge? Please, by all means, be my guest. Beg for pity again. Hunt down all your little friends who kept you feeling just bad enough that they could baby you without letting you think you were their plaything." -Ey watched a complex set of emotions play out over her features. She stood still for nearly a minute, working to master them, before nodding. "Yes. Let us get this the fuck over with." +At this, most of the stanza bridled, and there were a few louder murmurings. -Ioan sent a message to Zacharias spoken aloud for the skunks' benefit. "The Field#002a0b1." +Jonas waved it away. "Crawl back to Debarre and...fuck, what was his name? user11824? Crawl into their arms and let them prop you up long after you should've died." -The reply was frantic. "What?! No!" +Murmurings grew to angry mutterings. -"There or no meeting." +Jonas only laughed, and that bitterness was all the more evident. "Go. Be Sasha. Live your silly little life. And you," he said through clenched teeth, jabbing a finger toward Ioan. "Write your little story. That's what you're here for, isn't it? Write your little romance and fuck your little girlfriends and put on your little plays." -"F-fine." +May rolled her eyes. -Ioan helped May to her feet and placed a kiss atop her head before the three of them forked and stepped from the sim. +"Get out. All of you." -Douglas stood at the top of his stoop, arms crossed, frowning. "Ioan, what is this?" +The rest of the stanza left, quit, or were swept --- the sim didn't seem to render them any different. Ioan guessed swept, given that Guōweī's unconscious form also disappeared. -"Zacharias made it out of the whole thing alive," May growled. "And now he is losing his mind and wants to meet. I will not have him at our home." +All through Jonas's tirade, Sasha wore a half smile. It wasn't rehearsed, wasn't self-satisfied. She simply looked present. She looked confident in herself in some more earnest way than she had in years, as though she had changed beyond just her appearance. When it was clear that he was finished, she bowed politely. -Douglas's frown deepened. "So you're bringing him here? The ACLs are pretty locked down right now." +"See you around?" -"Yes. I do not want to meet him at all, but I do not imagine he will simply leave me alone." She spent a moment composing herself, plastering a mask of confidence over her anxiety. "We need somewhere where someone can sweep him if need be." +"Fuck off." -"If you say so," he said, paused, then continued, "Alright, he should be able to enter." +She laughed and reached out to take Ioan's hand in her paw, then they stepped back home, followed closely by May holding End Waking's paw. -Ioan nodded and sent a ping to Zacharias. +Once back on the plain, End Waking groaned and fell to his knees, paws digging into the soil around the tussocks of grass, then quit. May and Ioan followed suit. -He arrived within a fraction of a second, yelped, and fell backwards, paws balled up into fists and pressed tight against his eyes. +When their down-tree instances returned to the field from inside --- May bearing a (rather lopsided) cake --- they were just in time to see True Name bow to Sasha and quit. It was the last change, ey supposed, the true relinquishing of her name. -"How long has it been for you, my dear? Since you were forked?" May said, kneeling down before the fox. Her voice had grown cloyingly sweet, that 'my dear' taking on a spiteful tone. +There was a long moment of silence on the plain, then Ioan let out a ragged, pent-up breath, eir shoulders sagging. "Can someone tell me what the fuck just happened?" -"Y-yes," he gasped. "Did...did we have to meet here?" +"Sasha did the one thing she could have done to piss Jonas off most," May said, grinning. "He went in thinking he'd take everything from her and left with no wind in his sails. Well done, my dear." -"Where better?" Sasha said. She stood nearby, arms crossed, impassive, looking almost bored, though Ioan could see the energy it was taking for her to keep that up. +Sasha beamed and bowed with a flourish. -Zacharias moaned. He forced himself to lower his paws to the ground, gripping at clumps of grass and dandelions. Finally, he opened his eyes and stared out toward the horizon of the field. "I--" +"And you knew this?" ey asked. -"What did you want, my dear Zack? You sounded nearly on the verge of panic," May said. +She nodded. "To an extent. We had discussed several options, but many of the changes were new. I saw her unwind all of the changes from the last centuries--" -"It is Jonas!" he said, finally snapping out of his daze. "Jonas! He has gone crazy! He killed all of my instances!" +"All the way back to Praiseworthy's suggestions before Secession," the other skunk said proudly. -"Did you expect anything else, little loverfox?" Sasha asked. There was no humor or sweetness in her voice, the last two words carried venom in them. +"--and other than the spotted skunk thing, she looks just like...well, Sasha. Nice touch, by the way." -"I...I mean--" +"I do not think I could have gotten away with staying the same skunk, even if I look similar enough while clothed. But yes, I am back to the me of...shit, when did I make Sasha like this? 2110?" -"You are the root instance, I am assuming?" +Ioan shook eir head, dizzy. "This is what you looked like before uploading?" -He nodded, the movement jerky and uneven. "I have not left home since. I dug a new one, you see, and he found that one somehow." +"What my --- *our* --- av looked like, yes, all except the change to a spotted skunk. They always felt too flashy, back then, and I just wanted to look like myself offline except a furry. Completely unremarkable and a species no one likes." -"And what can we do for you?" May asked. +"The outfit was my suggestion," End Waking said. "It always was our favorite, but for some reason, we never brought it with us to the System, and I knew the rest of the stanza would pick up on that quite easily." -"Help! You can help me get away from that...that lunatic!" +Sasha nodded. -Sasha frowned. "Can you not dig another home?" +"I am proud of you, Sasha," he continued. "I do not yet know why I feel compelled to say that, but I am proud of you. You have much to make up for, your own penance yet to serve, but that you have done this at all is a good step forward." -He reached out to clutch at May's paws. She startled backwards, but did nothing to push him away. "I cannot...I cannot just disappear! Months! It has been months since I have seen anyone. Anyone! I have to...to be near--" +Ioan sighed and sat down heavily in the grass. "You're all completely nuts." -"No," she said flatly. +The three skunks laughed. -"But--" +"Why didn't you tell me?" -"No." The skunk shook her head, leaned forward and touched her nose to his. "Not me. Not Sasha. Not us. You are on your own, Zacharias. I will not accept any further messages or merges. No contact." +"For your story," Sasha said. "You had to go in there with an untainted view in order to write a more earnest story at the end." -He slouched once more, eyes still wide. "May Then My Name, I--" +"So," ey said, organizing eir thoughts out loud. "May and End Waking--" -"No contact." She extracted one of her paws from his and slapped him firmly across the snout. "And that is for before." +"E.W." the skunk corrected. "I am E.W. of no clade." -Yelping, he fell back onto an elbow. He opened his mouth to respond, but May had already nodded towards Douglas, who swept him from the sim. +The other two skunks perked up and grinned wide. -She remained kneeling for a moment, then started to shake, crumpling down onto the grass, panting heavily. Ioan knelt beside her until she'd cried herself dry while Douglas and Sasha sat on the steps leading up to his house, watching in silence. +Ioan blinked, hesitated, then continued. "May and...E.W. merged down and you...I guess feel more like you used to? Back phys-side, I mean. Enough to head back to who you were before the clade began, I mean. Is that even possible?" -"I've never seen you like that before," he said, once they'd made their way inside, the four of them clutching glasses of water. "I knew he was a shitbag, but goddamn." +"It is not a statement of reality, dear. I cannot reintegrate those aspects of myself that are not up-tree from me, and even if I could, there are those who no longer exist or who have left Lagrange," she said, that slight smile growing. "It is a statement of hope, perhaps, or a desire for completion. It is an understanding of the ways in which I fall short expressed in my very name. Will this sense of a truer life last? Perhaps. It will certainly not always feel good, and will at some point cease feeling new, but I plan on owning it for as long as I am able." -"I am...not okay," she said, whispering down to her glass. "I am not okay." +"And how is it that this pisses off Jonas?" Ey snorted. "He certainly sounded pissed." -"It is not a mode either of us are comfortable with," Sasha said quietly, "but it is the only mode that would have gained us peace. Any weakness would be taken as an opening." +Sasha knelt across from Ioan, followed shortly by E.W. and May to either side of em, May summoning up plates and cutting thick slices of cake. It was strange to see so many smiles, still strange to see May so happy around her down-tree instance and stranger still to see E.W. even in the same sim. -Douglas nodded. He didn't look convinced. +"What Jonas was expecting was for me to remain True Name in everything except form and name," she said. "He was expecting someone deeply cowed by his political genius --- and do not underestimate him, he *is* still a genius. He felt that he had won his spot as rightful leader of Lagrange, if such a thing can even be said to exist. He thought that he had beaten me down and left me either unable to continue or unwilling to try." -"I am sorry. After 226 years, one learns to use contempt with precision, however dear the cost." She reached out to take one of May's paws in her own. Both of them looked exhausted. "Even so, I do not expect that is the last we will hear from him." +May added, "I suspect that he is starting to crack." -They didn't stay long after. Ioan eventually promised Douglas that they'd catch up another time and then gently nudged the skunks to quit and merge back down. +Ioan nodded. -The rest of the day was silent. Ioan and May collapsed onto the beanbag and stayed there through much of it, each processing in their own way, while Sasha disappeared outside to lose herself in the wilderness, not returning until late that evening, bearing a lanky hare and double-pawful of chantarelles, which she cooked down into a simple stew. They ate on the balcony to enjoy the late summer's evening as best they could. +"Perhaps," Sasha said. "He has not seemed fully grounded in many years, but again, do not underestimate him." -Sasha joined them in bed that night, and they took what comfort they could from each other's company. +Ioan jumped at a brief sensorium ping, a request to enter, followed shortly by Debarre popping into existence behind May, who had apparently admitted him. "What was so urgent that you pulled me away from lunch and..." he trailed off, squinting at this new skunk. "Who...but you're...what?" ------ +Sasha stiffened where she knelt. "Debarre," she said, bowing her head. "A pleasure to see you." -The more dramatic of the meetings, however, came that weekend. It was quieter, perhaps, but bearing more weight, more finality. +The weasel said nothing, looking stunned. -The rest of the week had remained tense, with Sasha wafting in and out of the house to follow her unsettled moods while May remained quiet, nearly silent, nearly always stuck by Ioan's side. Ey knew ey should probably start laying in supplies for her overflowing, but ey was still distracted trying to pick apart the events with Zacharias. In light of eir desire to keep both of them safe and close, much of the fury that had come with eir first meeting with the fox threatened to reappear every time ey thought about the two skunks. +"This is-- was Tr--" -Which, naturally, was quite often. +"Sasha. I am Sasha. I was her as well," she said, voice gentle but insistent enough to stop Ioan from continuing. -It was not exactly the best of timing, then, when If I Am To Bathe In Dreams, an elegant, if severe-looking, skunk arrived late on a Saturday afternoon on a few minutes' notice and bowed formally to the three of them. +He stepped back a half pace, crouching as though to flee on foot. "Sasha...? What the fuck?" -"Ioan, I believe Jonas hired you as an amanuensis?" she said. +Ioan, still feeling eir head spinning from so much happening so quickly, tried to pin down eir open question in eir mind while still watching the exchange intently. -"He did, yes. Do you need me for that, too?" +"I am not what I was, Debarre. I am not True Name. I am not May or E.W." She hesitated, then continued, "I am not even the Sasha you remember, but I am, I think, closer to being her than any of the Ode clade is currently." -"Please. This story is not over, will not be over for a long time yet. Listen. Watch." +"Bullshit," he growled. "If there's even a little bit of True Name in you, you can't be her. If you're even the slightest bit her I'm fucking out of here." -Sasha immediately picked up on the mood and stood up straight after returning the formal bow. She offered In Dreams a seat and something to drink, both of which were declined, then said, "How may I help you?" +"Wait, my love," E.W. said. "Please stay." -"I have a request from both my stanza and that of Memory Is A Mirror Of Hammered Silver. You will also be presented with this request in writing as an individual-eyes-only message." +Debarre hesitated. -Sasha nodded. "I understand." +"If I am still here, do you not think that I agree with her? At least to a large enough extent to trust her?" -"We request no contact from you, your stanza, or the Bălan clade moving forward." +The weasel straightened up and, when May gestured to the spot beside E.W., he slowly lowered himself to a crouch as though still ready to bolt. "I'll listen, but this had better be good." -"Wait, what?" Ioan said. May edged around a little ways behind em, clutching at eir arm. +Sasha bowed, sitting quietly and fiddling anxiously with the hem of her tunic while May caught him up on the events of the past few months, letting the other three of them interject with corrections and confirmations. Throughout, Debarre waited, and while he didn't relax fully, by the end of the discussion, he was at least sitting all the way down. -"You are too entangled in the matter. No contact with this situation means no contact from you, May Then My Name Die With Me, or E.W. *né* Do I Know God After The End Waking. This request is in effect until further notice, and applies to our stanzas on Castor and Pollux as well, where Dear, Also, The Tree That Was Felled will be presented with the same request. None of us are on Artemis, but I will also be passing this on to Sorina Bălan. This includes general intraclade communication; we will add visibility exceptions to our messages and request that you do the same." +"So now you're Sasha," he said slowly. -"I understand, accept, and offer you my best," Sasha said, bowing once more. +"A new Sasha. Related, but not the same Sasha you and I remember." -"I do not want your best," In Dreams said, voice flat. "Ioan?" +"I'll buy that at least," he muttered. "You still make me really fucking nervous." -Ey blinked, hesitated, then bowed in turn. "I understand and accept." +She smiled faintly. "Do not worry, my dear. I make myself nervous." -"And May Then My Name?" +At the affectionate *my dear*, the weasel jolted back. -It took the skunk a moment to swallow back a rising wave of emotions before she could manage a shaky nod and a hoarse, "Understood." +"My apologies," Sasha said quickly. "I was not thinking. If you would like me not to use that phrase, I will do my best not to. I just have enough...well, I am different enough now that it comes automatically." -"We are of one mind, then," she said, bowed, and stepped from the sim. A few seconds later, three sheets of paper scrolled out of the air above the dining table, all set as individual-eyes-only for each of them. Ioan read through eirs several times with a hollow feeling in eir chest. +"You have enough of E.W. in you, you mean." -Sasha stood still for a long minute, head bowed, then stepped outside without a word, at which point May burst into tears. +She nodded. -Ioan did eir best to comfort her, but after an hour, she gently pushed em away. "I need...I need the house to myself, please." +"I...well, yeah. Not from you." He hesitated, eyes averted, and added, "Please." -"Should I head to Douglas's?" +"Of course. -She shook her head. "I do not know, Ioan. I just...I just need the house. If you can...I mean, if Sasha will let you stay at her tent, you can stay, but I need the house." +"So tell me how this gets you anything." -"Now?" +Ioan sat up straight once more, unpinning eir question. "You were saying that Jonas thought he'd beaten you." -Nodding, she wrapped her arms around em and squeezed tighter than ey knew she could. "I love you more than anything, my dear, but yes. Now." +"Right, yes. He thought that he had left me so broken that I might fade away or even quit of my own accord. Instead, I became the one thing he could not control." -Ey waited until ey could breathe properly after the squeeze, then kissed the top of her head. "I love you too, May. Please be safe, okay?" +"How, though?" ey asked. -She nodded once more, relinquished her grip on em, and nudged em out toward the back door and outside. +"Because of the *History*. The System knows about me. It knows about the Council of Eight and about Sasha and Michelle Hadje. It also knows about True Name, though, and to see that True Name has stepped down and become one of the few sympathetic figures in that same story once again means that he cannot touch me. He cannot risk reinforcing being seen as a villain--" -Sasha had set up a tent similar to E.W.'s, though she had skipped the process of building it herself, instead creating from similar materials off the exchange. She'd set it up nearly on the other side of the lake from their house, so that she could have the solitude that she needed without having to create some new sim of her own. When the need for space struck her, it never quite got to the point that it did with E.W. She would need away from their presences, she would say. They felt like a constant weight on her shoulders. Light, yes, but continually present. +"Or more of one," May muttered. -Ah well. This was the first time that May had overflowed in this living situation --- and so dramatically, too --- so perhaps it would be helpful after all. +"--by coming after me. Not only that, but with the expectation that the Sasha who was on the Council was in the right when seen in contrast to True Name, I will be seen as a balancing force rather than a co-conspirator. Him working against that risks being seen as either unbalancing an effective system or a return to a two-party system that no one wants." -Ey took eir time walking around the shore of the lake, using it to vent the emotions that had built up over the last few hours through tears, through shouting into a cone of silence, cursing. +"It is not a win, *per se*," E.W. added. "She has not beaten Jonas, but she has entered into a stalemate with him." -"Ioan? Goodness," Sasha said. +"Can't he still come after you, though? It's not like the whole System knows." -Ey'd managed to mostly clean up with a handkerchief, though clearly eir eyes were still red-rimmed and eir countenance...well, who knew? Glum, perhaps? +"That is why he was so upset at you, as well, my dear," May said. "You will write your book and your play, and he will just have to brace himself as best he can." -"Hi Sasha," ey said, sitting down on the step leading up into the tent. The skunk had been writing at the small desk she'd acquired, but she moved to join em. "May's not in a good spot. She suggested I stay with you, if that's alright." +"But I haven't yet, though." -She frowned, nodded. "That bad?" +"Of course, but if he had decided to take Sasha out anyway, you would still be left to write about *that*. Your name is already trusted enough on the System that if you were to write something after her assassination, it would still have gone poorly for him. If he had taken you out as well --- something I doubt he was prepared to do anyway --- he would be in even deeper shit." -"Well, she kind of kicked me out of the house, yeah." +Ey shook eir head. Ey was feeling very far behind but needed to understand if ey was to write this book. More, ey needed to understand for emself. "So why not become Michelle?" -She laid her ears flat. "We are perhaps both overflowing in our own ways." +"Because look at me," Sasha said, laughing and spreading her arms. "I am a furry. A *skunk* furry, no less. There is benefit to being something that is just a little silly, just as there always has been. Even after all these years, it is difficult to take someone pretending to be a small furry animal seriously, so that disarms me in the eyes of the observer." -"Oh, shit. I wasn't thinking. Douglas--" Ey moved to stand, but she grabbed eir wrist. +"So he will just leave you alone?" -"I had seen this coming, if I am honest, so it is not hitting me quite so hard as her. I will be okay." +"He will have to if he wishes to remain in his position. He answers to his desire for power, I answer only to my desire for stability and continuity. In that I remain earnest in my conviction," she said by way of answer. "Even that of me which is E.W. and May. E.W. cannot love his forest if politics overwhelm his existence. May cannot hold onto her devotion. These things I know." -Ey nodded, slowly settled back onto the step. "If you say so." +May nodded slowly. "You are not wrong. I would not have used such words, but you are not wrong." -Sasha patted eir hand and bade em stay while she got up to stoke up the fire in her stove and fry up a simple meal of potatoes and vegetables. Ey couldn't tell if it was just bland --- as E.W. preferred --- or if eir mind was too busy to process taste, so ey mostly just pushed the food around on the plate. +"That of me which remains True Name has settled down," she continued. "And she still holds to the idea that politics is a means to an end. She is good at it. She enjoys it. She is willing and able to utilize it." -"Without contraries is no progression," Sasha murmured after they'd finished. "Attraction and repulsion, reason and energy, love and hate, are necessary to human existence." +"So," Debarre said. "When did you realize this might even work?" -Ey started to ask what she meant, paused, then looked the words up in the perisystem architecture. "Blake? And here I thought you all were mostly into Dickinson." +"It was a chance I took. One that might have failed, yes, but a good chance. It was all those times he talked about how you and Michelle were not fit to lead. Jonas had a view of me that was as inaccurate as it was easy to use against him. I have my political acumen and you have your own small group." -She chuckled and elbowed em in the side. "This may be a True Name thing." +Ioan watched Debarre stiffen, making note of his response. It didn't feel like the type of thing to include in the story, but it did make rather a lot of the weasel's words and actions make more sense. -"Are you leaning into the "Good is the passive that obeys reason; Evil is the active springing from Energy" on this, then?" +"You're nuts," Debarre said, rubbing his paws over his face to cover that response. "You're all fucking nuts." -"Nothing is so simple, dear," she said, shaking her head. "Blake was not of our kind, he would not have understood. He did get that right, though, in that we are a people of dualities. May sees in Zacharias all that she cannot --- must not --- be. In Dreams and Hammered Silver see in me that which they are not --- could not be --- and yet we are not what we are without our opposites. Every idea's opposite is just the absence of the idea itself." +Ioan gestured wildly toward the weasel. "Confirmation! Fucking nuts!" -"Maybe." Ey sighed. "It's all a bit over my head." +The three skunks laughed while ey and Debarre leaned across the circle to shake hands. -"I am also a little bit all over the place," she admitted. "These events have me going in three different directions at once. The Ode clade is crumbling and I cannot deny that some...that much of that is on me. I am sorry, Ioan." - -"I don't even know what to think about that," ey said, shaking eir head. "It's kind of a lot." - -"That it is. You are a good person, though. You love your partner. She knows this. I know this. You are good to her and it will all be okay. We may hope for neat endings but all we get are more beginnings." She smiled, adding, "And yes, you may stay until she is feeling better." diff --git a/content/read/042.md b/content/read/042.md index 421a279..143f701 100644 --- a/content/read/042.md +++ b/content/read/042.md @@ -1,225 +1,489 @@ # Ioan Bălan --- 2350 -May's stint of overflowing only lasted two nights. Something about the change in context, though, about staying with Sasha instead of Douglas, made everything feel tenuous, delicate. Ioan found it difficult to sleep on the padded cot that she'd added to the tent, and eventually, she must have grown tired of hearing em toss and turn (and perhaps mumble to emself), for she sleepily climbed out of her own bed and into eirs, curling up with em after confirming that it was alright. +The stream of Odists who came to visit Sasha in the days and weeks after the excursion to Jonas's was surprising. They seem to have accepted her change in identity far easier than expected. There were no instances of deadnaming (unless they were specifically talking about her past as True Name, as requested), no fights, no arguments. -Unexpected, perhaps, but by then ey was too frustrated and exhausted to think of anything else. The added comfort certainly worked in getting em to sleep, to the point where ey slept in until a ray of sun, creeping slowly, fell across eir face and warmed em awake. +Not everyone was happy, to be sure. Many of the discussions from those who stopped by were quite serious and, even though many took place in cones of silence, Ioan could easily guess that there was much in the way of airing of grievances. As far as ey could tell, though, it was done with an eye towards catharsis and reconciliation. -Sasha had apparently woken up earlier in the morning and snuck away, as there was a lukewarm cup of camp coffee sitting by the edge of eir bed and no skunk to be found. +Serene, for instance, came over the day after the whole kerfuffle, surprising the three of them well into the evening. They'd settled for a middle ground of dinner out on the extended balcony --- close enough to the house for them to cook a proper dinner without leaving Sasha feeling cooped up inside --- when the ping against their sensoria caused the three to jolt as one. -Ah well, at least the coffee was good (if gritty) and ey felt better rested than ey had before. +"That will be Serene!" May said excitedly, setting her half-finished plate down and hopping to her feet. "I opened the ACLs to a few, hope you do not mind." -Ey met up with her at the shore of the lake where they talked for a bit, though it was clear that she was antsy to head out into the woods on her own, so ey eventually shooed her off, to which she bowed gratefully and said, "My notes are on my desk. If you get bored, I would appreciate your feedback." +"Opened-- wait, when?" Ioan asked, setting eir own plate down. "And to how many?" -Ey spent the rest of the abbreviated day reading through what she'd written, making a mental list of ideas and suggestions to pass on to her when things were a little less hectic. +But the skunk was already gone, bounding inside to greet the fox with a hug and excited chattering. -That night was much the same, with the two of them talking until it was well and truly dark, then settling into their own beds until sleeplessness led to them curling together in one. +Ioan and Sasha followed more sedately, both waiting until May had gotten her greeting out of the way before bowing to Serene. -A ping from May shortly after sunrise woke em, and the jolt startled Sasha awake as well. +"Ioan, a pleasure! It has been too long," she said, grinning widely. The grin faded, and she nodded to the spotted skunk. "And Sasha." -"Uh, sorry," ey mumbled, extricating eir arms from around her. "May pinged." +"Serene, thank you for stopping by. I was not expecting to see you so soon." -Sasha levered herself up and squinted out into the orange and pink of dawn. "How is she up before me?" she grumbled. +"I do not imagine so. May Then My Name has been conspiring behind the scenes, so this was all worked out ahead of time." -"Probably because she got good sleep and I kept you up being a mope." +"Oh? How cheeky," Sasha said, laughing. "Were you really that confident that everything would work out, dear?" -She shrugged noncommittally, yawned. "Slept well enough later on, at least. Did she say anything?" +May shook her head. "Reasonably confident, but I want Arrowhead Lake back no matter what, so I arranged for us a little meeting." -Ey shook eir head. "No, just a ping. No real urgency, though. Surprised I didn't sleep through it." +"Skunks, I swear." Ioan shook eir head. "Well, welcome all the same. We've got pasta, if you'd like." -"You are appropriately keyed to her, dear. I would be surprised if you did." +Once she'd heaped a plate high with food, Serene followed them out onto the balcony to join them for the rest of their meal. She wrinkled her nose at the sight of the plain. "I suppose this was the best one could do on short notice, yes?" -"Mm, fair enough," ey said, grinding the heels of eir palms against eir eyes. To May, ey sent a ping in response, plus a subvocalized, "*You okay?*" +"It wasn't too much, and it fit the need, yeah." -"*Better, yes,*" came the reply. "*I am feeling quite bad about sending you off like that. Not about waking you up, though. You sound cute when you are groggy.*" +"It has served its purpose," Sasha said. "And it is not so bad close up. A little too flat, perhaps, but the river is nice." -Ey snorted, shook eir head. "Yeah, she's fine," ey said. +Serene nodded and finished a mouthful of food before setting her fork down again. "I have at least come bearing a gift." -Sasha surprised em by joining em on the trek back to the house, saying only, "I have been worried, as well." +"Did you find your student?" -May greeted them at the balcony with steaming mugs of coffee. She declined a hug, stating that she felt gross, but did at least press her nose to Ioan's, and then to Sasha's cheek. +"Yes. He was still about, though he has...changed much in the intervening years. He was not as pleased to see me as I might have liked." -"Thank you for giving me some space," she said. "I was not expecting the both of you, but I am happy to see you two all the same." +Sasha dipped her snout. "I am assuming that he has picked up on the sentiment surrounding the clade." -"Of course, May. I'm just happy to see you doing better. Or happier, at least. You look a mess." +Serene nodded. "He read the *History* and came to the same conclusion that the rest of the System did. Our name is not mud, but, my dear, relationships changed after that knowledge became public." -She scoffed and gestured a paw down at herself. "I look perfectly fine, thank you very much." +"I understand." -"You look a mess, dear," Sasha confirmed. "You need a shower, a change of clothes, and perhaps another four hours of sleep." +"I do not want to hear you say that you are sorry, Sasha. I do not think that is how this works as you are now, not for me. I do not want to hear your justifications and explanations; I can understand them as well as anyone. I just want to hear your acknowledgement." -May sighed, nodded. "I do at that. All the same, the wave has crested and gone, and now perhaps I can relax enough to do so. Coffee first, though. +After setting her plate and fork down on the low table again, Sasha folded her paws in her lap, sat for a moment in silence, then said, "For as much as I tried to do --- for as much as Jonas and I both tried to do --- I do not think we had nearly the effect on the world around us we thought we did, not on the grand scale. We played our games of politics and influence, but it was a game of relationships from start to finish, you are correct. True Name changed relationships. May Then My Name changed relationships. E.W. played his part. I do not know if it was for the better or the worse, but I do acknowledge that it made a good many of them far more difficult." -They settled on deck chairs for Sasha's sake and focused on said coffee for a bit, watching the dawn. It was good to be back to coffee that didn't require straining out the occasional percolated ground through one's teeth. +"Well, okay. Perhaps one apology." -"Are you two okay?" May said at last. +"I am sorry, Serene; Sustained And Sustaining." -"Tired, but that's easily fixed. Looking forward to a real bed tonight." +There was another moment of silence, then Serene's wild grin returned. "Well, that felt good. Praiseworthy did all that shit, too, so, fuck it. Let me finish my food and I will fuck your sim up but good." -Sasha poked at eir knee with a dull claw. "The tent beds are not *that* bad." +Ioan blinked, looking between skunk and fennec. "Wait, that simple?" -"No, they're fine, but they still pale in comparison to our bed." +"Of course, my dear," Serene said around a mouthful of pasta. "I already told you of my thoughts on the matter. I have done my processing." -"Well, yes, I will admit that." +"And now you cannot simply say something about skunks being brats," May chimed in. "Though I am pretty sure we all knew that foxes were, too." -May looked between the two, then laughed. "I take it this setup worked for me taking some space?" +Serene made a rude gesture, still grinning. -Ioan shrugged. "Well enough, sure. It's nice to have another option that isn't just crashing at Douglas's." +Once they'd finished dinner, Serene stood, stretched, and then leaned against the balcony railing staring out over the plain. Her expression was calm, pleasant, though focused on something ey couldn't see. "Ioan, I will need ACLs over at least the exterior, including your yard, though I will do my best to keep it intact." -"It was fine, dear," Sasha added. "If ever either of you need some space, feel free to kick the other down to the tent and I will make it work." +Ey nodded, focused, and made the grant. -"I am glad," May said. "Earnestly. Ioan was such a solitary creature that I did not ever picture having neighbors when I moved in all those years ago. It is nice to have a friend close by." +"Thank you. Now, you may stay out here and watch, but I warn you that it can be a bit dizzy-making." -"Aren't all of your friends equally close now that--" +Ey exchanged glances with the two skunks and shrugged. "I think we're all eager to see." -Sasha cut em off, shaking her head. "Ioan, do you remember how I said that I feel others' presence around me like a weight on my shoulders?" +"Suit yourself. It was your dinner. Thank you, by the way." + +There was no further announcement. Nor, even, any change in Serene. She still looked out over the railing with a dreamy, far away look on her face even as the world dropped out beneath them. + +The plain rippled and flexed, arching up high to the sky as though stretching after a long nap. Trees pried their way from the soil. Rocks broke free from the land. The river --- the one immediately before them, at least --- collapsed into itself to form a wide lake. The rest of the distant echoed versions of the plain where not occupied by the immediate mountains crinkled into some more complex geometry, the remainder of the range echoed outside the valley. + +It *was* a little vertigo-inducing, too. The worst of it wasn't due to the sudden change in the shape of the landscape, but in just how, well...serene it all was. The river shaping itself into the lake was not accompanied by some grand splashing of waves, but simply the remaking of the water. There were no falling rocks or grand earthquakes, just the reshaping of the world. The light shifted. Gravity swayed, settled. All of it was silent, anechoic. + +And then it was done. + +"H-holy fuck," ey managed, clutching at the railing of the balcony. Both May and Sasha stood defiantly against the change, though neither looked as casual as the fox. + +"I have set your house up the hill a ways from the default entry point to the old sim. That it was already on stilts proved quite useful. The angle of the sun may be a bit different, but not so much as to be a problem," she said, gesturing them down the steps from Sasha's side of the balcony. They landed on a flagstone pad set into the bed of pine needles, a small trail winding its way down the slope toward the water. She gestured toward the small ridge that rose next to them. "I had to modify the terrain a little bit to keep your yard level. You should be okay, but if you run into erosion problems, do let me know. I have been told of your affinity for weather, Ioan." + +Sure enough, the fence remained level, wrapping around a small rectangle of hidden grass and dandelions, the tops of lilac bushes overflowing. + +The path teed with the long familiar deer trail that wound around the lake, and, out of habit, they all started down towards the rock. + +"Fauna?" Serene asked. + +"Please." Sasha smiled sheepishly. "I would not like a repeat of that particular mistake." + +Grinning and nodding, Serene kept up her steady pace, humming a little under her breath. There was no change that ey could see, though ey imagined her counting deer, rabbits, squirrels, and birds into existence. + +For eir part, ey simply walked, hand in paw with May, and marveled. Ey'd discovered the lake decades ago, had spent countless days out here on walks, and at least one night camping. Still, it felt somehow new. Ey was rediscovering this place that ey'd not seen in months --- though ey'd spent longer stints away from it in the past --- and marveling at the detail all over again. A glance back over eir shoulder showed eir flat-roofed house peeking shyly from amid the trees, but other than that, it was, ey assumed, the same as it had been. + +After so long away and after so much stress it felt all the more real. + +They sat on the rock near the end of the lake and enjoyed the last of the sun. It was a little tight for four, but May tucked quite nicely up against eir side and Sasha, having slipped more into an E.W. mindset, had settled off to the side. She looked antsy, and ey suspected she'd request time to hike soon enough. + +"How is the rest of the clade taking this?" she asked. "I sent a clade-wide message, but have not received responses." + +Serene looked up from where she was investigating a few pine needles plucked from a branch on the way over with a discriminating eye. "I think that reactions will be largely positive even if they are not universally so. Several of my stanza have been been talking, and many feel as I do. It is fine, I am sure, and I have processed what I needed to and gotten what I wanted." + +"Of course. I have been abandoned by the rest of my stanza, but at this point, the larger part of me does not want to have anything to do with them, anyway. I do not imagine Loss For Images and her ilk will take it well. I do hope that A Finger Pointing and I will have a chance to speak soon, as I am now enough May that I would enjoy attending a play or two." + +"'May'?" Serene said, tiling her head and looking to the other skunk. "Have you forgiven her, then?" + +May nodded. "Forgiven is maybe not the best word. I have internalized the way things are and accepted the way things were. I am pleased to know Sasha and who she has become." + +The other skunk smiled faintly, nodded. "Though for all Ioan talked about trying to fix things, I place the largest part of who I have become on you, dear." + +"I wasn't going to say anything," Ioan said, grinning. + +May elbowed em in the side. "Hush, you." + +"I will not laugh at you two too much, then." Serene laughed anyway, though not unkindly. "What are your plans moving forward? I trust that you are essentially locked out of what you were working on as True Name." + +"Yes, and while there is a part of me that remains disappointed about this outcome, there is little to be done about it but move forward." Sasha brought her tail around to her lap to brush it out. It was shorter than a striped skunk's tail, it seemed, and less thickly furred. "I will take a vacation, first. I will sleep a normal amount. I will eat good food. I will wear myself out on the hunt and take what comfort I can while I remain here. I will rest, and then I will write." + +"Write? Really?" + +"Yes. I must be careful not to be seen as overtly influencing lest I bring on Jonas's ire, but I would like to share the story of the last few centuries from my point of view. I do not know who will be interested except perhaps our two clades, but I will write." + +"Well, if it's anything like the *History*," Ioan said, "it'll wind up wildly popular and then fade into part of the mythos of the System." + +May grinned. "And all will be as it should." + +"Of course. I will not complain. So long as I am better able to understand who I have become and fill my time with something fulfilling, then I will be happy." + +"*Will* you be happy?" Serene asked. + +There was a long silence as Sasha finished brushing out her tail and spent a few minutes simply staring across the lake, perhaps mapping the opposite shore and marking spots for future exploration. + +Finally, she said, "I think that I will be. I am of three minds and will ever be such. I will have moments of happiness, moments of sadness and terror and regret, but they will ever be in thirds." + +"Are you okay with that?" + +Sasha stood and stretched, finally turning her gaze back to them. "Himself has but to will And easy as a Star Look down upon Captivity And laugh." + +With no further explanation, she bowed and edged around them on her way down off the rock. She moved quietly and efficiently, and it was a matter of moments before they lost sight of her in the trees. + +They sat and shared quiet stories of the past through the remainder of the evening. + +----- + +The next Odists to visit were A Finger Pointing and Slow Hours, once more arriving as a pair and hugging Sasha in turn. They set up a cone of silence and spoke together for a scant twenty minutes before dropping it again and inviting Ioan and May to join. They pulled the beanbag a little closer to the couch and settled down on it together to listen. + +"It is easy to say that all is full of love," Slow Hours began, smiling to Sasha. "But now, I think, you have a sense of your own." + +The skunk smiled and bowed her head. + +"Life will be easier for a while, and then it will be harder. You will share your loves, first with another and then with solitude, and with each you long for the other until you return." Her expression slipped into a lopsided grin. "Does not matter one fucking bit, though, so I would not worry." + +"Mere breath?" Sasha asked, grinning. + +"A chasing after the wind, yes." + +"And you will come to a performance," A Finger Pointing added. "I am no oracle, but if you do not come, I will hunt you down myself. It has been too long, my dear." + +She laughed. "Of course. So many threats to hunt me down, these days. But yes, thank you." + +"And if you do not watch me perform my monologue, I will trim your claws too short in your sleep," May said. "There is a monologue night coming up soon." + +"Far worse than being hunted down, that. I will be there." + +May preened. + +After that, they fell into comfortable conversation. Sasha joined Ioan and May on the beanbag to get some pets --- the talk having apparently nudged the affectionate part of her to the fore --- while Slow Hours spoke in fewer 'will's and 'shall's and settled down into the normal conversational mode of the rest of the Odists. They spoke of performances past, going all the way back to before the founding of the System, back to their time in high school. The four Odists performed a small segment of the Dickinson play they always seemed to quote from, a first for any of the Bălans in the nearly fifty years their clades had been entangled. + +Ey didn't understand, but ey didn't need to. + +----- + +It was nearly a month before Debarre, Douglas, and Sasha agreed to meet. Debarre's side of the negotiations remained stiff and distant, the weasel initially refusing to see Sasha after that first meeting. Douglas seemed to have set aside any sense of caution, speaking with palpable excitement. As soon as he'd learned of the change of name back to something more closely associated with his distant relative, he'd hardly spoken of anything else. + +Eventually, though, meeting was set up for dinner on the dandelion-dotted field, a small potluck picnic late in the evening so that the skunks wouldn't overheat in the sun. + +Everyone arrived simultaneously by Debarre's request so that no one was left waiting for anyone else. Ioan, May, and Sasha stepped into the sim just in time to see Debarre and E.W. arriving. The six of them stood in a circle in front of Douglas's stoop, dandelions and evening bumblers tickling at their ankles. + +Or, at least they stood in a circle for a moment. Sasha almost immediately stumbled back from the group, turning in two slow, wavering circles before falling to her knees. + +"Sasha?" Ioan said, startled. + +"Too much," she mumbled shakily. "Too much at once." + +May padded over to kneel next to her. "May I hug?" + +After a moment of strained silence, Sasha slumped against May's side, and the two sat together while she let out that overwhelming emotion within a cone of silence. + +Ioan, Debarre, E.W., and Douglas took the time to set up the picnic, a rickety table bearing plates of various salads, roasted vegetables, and the makings for venison sandwiches, courtesy of E.W.. They moved in silence, hesitantly, each pausing every now and then to watch as Sasha slowly worked to calm herself. + +"That was not the greeting that I had intended," she said, once she had cleaned up in Douglas's house and joined them at the table to pick up a plate. "I was hoping that I would be able to greet you all politely, settle into some easier conversation, but that of True Name has not been here in too long. This place is too charged with memories, as are your faces. Even for that of E.W. and May, there is too much bound up in the last few months." + +"Are you feeling better now?" Douglas asked. + +She nodded. "I am leaning on the other portions of myself now. I will have much processing to do yet, but tonight is for dinner with friends, or at least with those I hope will be friends." + +"I certainly hope we can be friends." Douglas laughed. "I mean, those are the first words we've ever really spoken to each other, but I'm happy to have the chance to meet you." + +"Or at least meet a third of me." + +"Well, yes, but you're still a new person to me and very...uh," he trailed off, frowning down to his plate. "Well, very close to someone I've thought a lot about, I guess." + +She smiled and leaned over to pat his shoulder. "We will talk, dear. That part of me has heard so much about you and is so colored by what the other parts of me know, that I am eager to learn, as well." + +Debarre remained stiff and awkward, even as they settled down on the blanket to eat, plates piled high with various dishes and cups of sangria set carefully in the grass behind them. He wouldn't make eye contact with Sasha and seemed hesitant to speak even to Ioan and May. + +Eventually, he cleared his throat, set his plate down, and stared steadily at Sasha. "I think you owe me an apology. At least from the, uh...what did you call it? The True Name part of you?" + +As she had done with Serene, Sasha set her plate down as well, folded her paws in her lap, and bowed to the weasel. Ioan could tell by the set of her features and the straightness of her shoulders that she was indeed doing her best to keep that part of her at the fore. "I am sorry, Debarre. The things that I did were for what I thought was best, but they wound up hurting a good many people. They were not fair to you and I apologize for the pain I caused. While I do not think I even *could* anymore, I will all the same endeavor not to act in such single-minded ways again." + +Ioan couldn't read Debarre's expression well enough to gauge his thoughts on the matter, but judging by the way he loosened up and joined in more of the conversations after that, speaking even with Sasha, he seemed to at least have accepted the words to an extent. + +Debarre and E.W. stayed for a few hours after dinner, long enough to see the first stars show themselves above the field, before they stepped back to the skunk's sim. + +Shortly after, Sasha stood, the other three following suit. She hugged Ioan and May around the shoulders and gave each of them a touch of the nose to the cheek. "If you two do not mind, I would like to go for a walk with Douglas and speak with him alone." + +They nodded and returned the hugs and kisses, getting hugs from Douglas as well before they stepped back home. + +"Do you think Douglas still puts too much stock in who you used to be?" Ioan asked once they were home and comfortable. + +May was a while in answering. "Perhaps, yes. We are not Michelle, have not been for centuries. None of us are Sasha --- least of all Sasha." + +Ioan nodded, brushing out the skunk's tail with a fine-toothed comb as ey'd been commanded. "He really relaxed after uploading, at least. Just a few little spikes in interest when certain things came up." + +"As hyperfixations go, it is a relatively innocuous one," she said, yawning. "But I am at least pleased to see that he is both engaging with other things and finding fulfillment in this aspect of his life when he can." + +"Besides, it's not like you guys don't hyperfixate on things." + +"Mmhm," she mumbled sleepily. "But all the same, we have been slowly drifting away from what we used to be over the years, and in the face of all that we have seen, that is not such a bad thing." + +"How do you feel about her apology?" + +"How do you mean?" + +Ey shrugged. "It felt...I don't know, a little rehearsed, maybe." + +May curled in against eir side, yawning once more. "Perhaps. She said what Debarre needed to hear, I think, and it was no less earnest for that. As much as he means to us, that is no bad thing, either." + +----- + +Ioan wasn't sure why ey kept feeling surprised at the number of loose threads from just one event that needed tying. The business with Qoheleth had been about as complicated, and had required meeting with several other Odists in order to finish the story, and each one came with a different tenor. + +The same was true here, as well. Many members of the clade --- some of whom ey'd not yet met --- visited and requested time with Sasha or with the three of them. Still, ey realized, this culmination came after two and a quarter centuries for some, so perhaps it made sense. + +Not all of these interactions went smoothly. + +Barely a month after that dinner with Debarre and Douglas on the field, two of the most dramatic happened within the span of a week. + +May stumbled in the middle of a Wednesday morning rehearsal, falling to her knees, panting, before pushing herself to her feet. She managed to make it through the rest of the scene before forking off so that she could continue as best she could while her root instance ducked back home. + +Once there, she darted over towards where Ioan sat at eir desk, working through the process of writing Jonas's book. She knelt beside em, clutched a pawful of eir shirt and set up a cone of silence. Ey felt the ACL-scape of the cone shift several times until it was just about as secure as could be made. + +"May? What--" + +"Zacharias! He has been pinging me once every few seconds for the last minute!" She was on the verge of hyperventilation, eyes wide and tail bristled. "I do not know what-- *fuck!*" + +Ioan slid from eir chair as the skunk started to slump over to the side. Ey helped her to her feet and over to the beanbag. "May, what's happening?" + +"He keeps...quitting and...sending high-priority merges..." she gasped. "The cone will not...stop those..." + +"You okay for a few seconds?" + +Slumped over on the beanbag, the skunk nodded. + +Ey stepped from the cone, where May had clearly blocked sensorium messages from the fox, so that ey could holler into a message, "What the fuck do you want?" + +"Ioan! I need to...can I--" + +"No. No coming over." + +"A neutral place?" + +"Do you need May there?" + +"Yes!" + +Ey sighed. "I'll ask. No guarantees." + +"No, I...no," the skunk mumbled once ey stepped back into the cone. She'd managed to sit up and while the panicked look on her face had calmed, the beginnings of rage had taken its place. "He cannot come here." + +"Maybe Douglas's to keep him from being too much? If Sasha's reaction was anything to go by, it might quell him, or at least keep him distracted." + +The skunk sat, silent, for a moment, holding onto one of eir hands tightly. "Will Douglas be around to sweep if needed?" Ey nodded. -"I think it is rather like that, though do correct me if I am wrong, May. Even when I am hiding away in my tent, I am still more present than a friend out of sim is." +"Now?" -"Basically," May said. "Never mind one who knows me so intimately now." +"Yeah, I think so. I'm not sure I trust that he'll leave you alone if we put him off." -Sasha nodded, hesitated, then said, "On that note, are *you* okay?" +"I--" -"I...well," she began, sighed, and shook her head. "I am upset, and I am disappointed that I am upset. I was so ready to be done with hatred, but I am stuck with yet more of it. Hatred from In Dreams, hatred of Zacharias, hatred in myself. More than the experiences with In Dreams and Zacharias, that feeling is what led to the past few days of tears. I thought that I was done." +They were interrupted by a rapidly crescendoing thudding sound followed by the scrabble of claws on the glass of the sliding door, Sasha finally finding purchase and whipping it open. May dropped the cone of silence. -"I understand. While I am thinking of it, I would like to talk with you about Zacharias at some point --- nothing serious, just strategizing future meltdowns of his. Ioan said he kept trying to force merges on you just to get your attention." +"What the fuck is happening?!" Sasha shouted. -May winced. "Ugh, yeah. I have never felt something so intensely...I do not know. It felt like a violation of my personal space on a subatomic level. What were you thinking?" +"You too, then?" -Sasha tilted her head. "Now? I was going to suggest in a few days time, once you were feeling better." +Sasha frowned, straightened up, and brushed out her tunic. "Yes. He just about knocked me out with the amount of adrenaline he sent my way. You look ready to go, though. Do you have a plan?" -"Why not? I am already a mess, I am already thinking about him, and after this, I would like more than 'a few days time' completely disengaged from the topic." She giggled, adding, "Besides, the more I have to dump on Sarah the next time I see her the better, right?" +"We're going to meet him at Douglas's field. That's about the start and end of it, though." Ioan took a deep breath and tried to tamp down the urge to pace. "Do you want to come?" -"I do not think it works that way, but I am not so much of a brat as you." Sasha finished her coffee, set the mug down with a sense of finality, and nodded. "Well, I suppose I am awake enough. If you do not mind, Ioan, may I steal your partner for a little bit longer? I would like to keep this first discussion between us, though I will ensure that you remain caught up. There is some...history behind this she should know." +Ey watched a complex set of emotions play out over her features. She stood still for nearly a minute, working to master them, before nodding. "Yes. Let us get this the fuck over with." -"Are you up for forking, May?" +Ioan sent a message to Zacharias spoken aloud for the skunks' benefit. "The Field#002a0b1." -She hesitated, then shook her head, pushing herself up from her chair to step around behind eirs. She bent down to hug around eir shoulders from behind, cheek pressed against eir own. "I cannot cope with conflicts right now. I cannot yet work in parallel." +The reply was frantic. "What?! No!" -Ey rested eir cheek against hers and frowned down to eir coffee for a few moments, sighed, then nodded. "Alright, but I get the May for the rest of the day, okay?" +"There or no meeting." -They both laughed. +"F-fine." -"Of course, Ioan," Sasha said. "If you would like some company out on the balcony or something, I have no such compunctions about forking." +Ioan helped May to her feet and placed a kiss atop her head before the three of them forked and stepped from the sim. -Ey felt May nod against eir cheek. "I am not pushing further solitude on you, my dear. Take some coffee and breakfast with you. I do not imagine we will be all that long." +Douglas stood at the top of his stoop, arms crossed, frowning. "Ioan, what is this?" -Still cognizant of her saying that she felt gross, ey patted one of her paws and turned eir head enough to kiss her on the cheek. "Alright, that sounds good." +"Zacharias made it out of the whole thing alive," May growled. "And now he is losing his mind and wants to meet. I will not have him at our home." -Ey pulled together a breakfast of rolls to go along with a thermos of coffee, got one more nose-press of a kiss with May, and stepped back outside with an instance of Sasha. +Douglas's frown deepened. "So you're bringing him here? The ACLs are pretty locked down right now." -The house had been set up on a portion of the slope that was turned a little toward the west for sunset views, meaning that the sun was not yet hitting the balcony. Autumn had gotten chilly enough at night, though, that they decided instead to walk down to the boulder lakeside, which would almost certainly be in full sun, even if it was less comfortable than the deck chairs. +"Yes. I do not want to meet him at all, but I do not imagine he will simply leave me alone." She spent a moment composing herself, plastering a mask of confidence over her anxiety. "We need somewhere where someone can sweep him if need be." -They sat in silence, drinking their coffee and eating rolls with butter and honey. +"If you say so," he said, paused, then continued, "Alright, he should be able to enter." -"Do you think you'll stay, Sasha?" Ioan said, once the rhythm of the silence made room for conversation. +Ioan nodded and sent a ping to Zacharias. -"I am too much myself to say that I will stay forever, but as long as my room and tent are there, as long as you and May are comfortable with me being a part of your lives, I will be happy to call it home. Or at least *a* home." +He arrived within a fraction of a second, yelped, and fell backwards, paws balled up into fists and pressed tight against his eyes. -"Really? No bigger and brighter things?" +"How long has it been for you, my dear? Since you were forked?" May said, kneeling down before the fox. Her voice had grown cloyingly sweet, that 'my dear' taking on a spiteful tone. -She laughed and leaned over to touch her nose to eir cheek. "This *is* bigger and brighter things, Ioan." +"Y-yes," he gasped. "Did...did we have to meet here?" -"Well, I'm sure we'll talk about it plenty, but I see no reason not to keep your room about, and your tent's certainly no trouble. I don't know what you overflowing will look like, but if it involves two thirds solitude and one third getting lost walking sims, I don't imagine you'll be around all the time." +"Where better?" Sasha said. She stood nearby, arms crossed, impassive, looking almost bored, though Ioan could see the energy it was taking for her to keep that up. -"Not at all, no. I will spend my share of time at the tent to be alone or out walking the world. Perhaps I will even ask you to double the rest of the house so that I can cook somewhere domestic, not just the wild." +Zacharias moaned. He forced himself to lower his paws to the ground, gripping at clumps of grass and dandelions. Finally, he opened his eyes and stared out toward the horizon of the field. "I--" -"Of course." Ey shrugged, tossing one of eir collected pebbles into the lake. "Besides, I like having you around." +"What did you want, my dear Zack? You sounded nearly on the verge of panic," May said. -"I am pleased to hear that. I had gathered such, but all the same, I would not want to be a bother." +"It is Jonas!" he said, finally snapping out of his daze. "Jonas! He has gone crazy! He killed all of my instances!" -"Oh, not at all. It seems like we're all pretty good at sorting things out when they do come up, so I don't imagine it'll get to that point." +"Did you expect anything else, little loverfox?" Sasha asked. There was no humor or sweetness in her voice, the last two words carried venom in them. -"And I am not impinging too much on your and May's relationship?" she asked, holding out her paw for one of eir pebbles. "I am asking her, too, and we will continue to talk together, but I also want to ask you directly." +"I...I mean--" -Ey smiled, handing over the small rock. "I don't think so. So long as we can still have time to ourselves when we need, I'll be happy." +"You are the root instance, I am assuming?" -She tossed the pebble out into the water. "Of course, dear." After a pause, she grinned and added, "She is gushing about you now. She loves you very much, you know." +He nodded, the movement jerky and uneven. "I have not left home since. I dug a new one, you see, and he found that one somehow." -Ioan chuckled. "I love her too. I worry sometimes, but all I can do is trust her." +"And what can we do for you?" May asked. -"Yes. She will not betray that trust. I know to an extent just how much she means to you and to a much greater extent how much you mean to her." +"Help! You can help me get away from that...that lunatic!" -They sat in quiet for a while, tossing pebbles into the water until ey ran out. +Sasha frowned. "Can you not dig another home?" -"Hey Sasha?" +He reached out to clutch at May's paws. She startled backwards, but did nothing to push him away. "I cannot...I cannot just disappear! Months! It has been months since I have seen anyone. Anyone! I have to...to be near--" -"Mm?" +"No," she said flatly. -"Do you miss anything from before all this?" +"But--" -She shrugged. "It is hard to tell. As I have said, I liked being True Name. It was fulfilling. Every time I think about that now, though, it is intercut with memories of other happinesses. I will think about some particularly adroit political move and remember it fondly, but right along with it is a memory of a successful hunt or of making fun of you for your pen collection." +"No." The skunk shook her head, leaned forward and touched her nose to his. "Not me. Not Sasha. Not us. You are on your own, Zacharias. I will not accept any further messages or merges. No contact." -Ey laughed. +He slouched once more, eyes still wide. "May Then My Name, I--" -"In confidence?" +"No contact." She extracted one of her paws from his and slapped him firmly across the snout. "And that is for before." -"Sure." +Yelping, he fell back onto an elbow. He opened his mouth to respond, but May had already nodded towards Douglas, who swept him from the sim. -"Do you remember when I asked May about how she cemented aspects of her personality by forking?" +She remained kneeling for a moment, then started to shake, crumpling down onto the grass, panting heavily. Ioan knelt beside her until she'd cried herself dry while Douglas and Sasha sat on the steps leading up to his house, watching in silence. -"Mmhm." +"I've never seen you like that before," he said, once they'd made their way inside, the four of them clutching glasses of water. "I knew he was a shitbag, but goddamn." -"There was one more change that I made during that meeting, which was to cement this triad of identities within me. It became who I am by accident, but it has become an integral part of me. I welcomed it in, owned it, made it a part of myself. I will ever be what I am." +"I am...not okay," she said, whispering down to her glass. "I am not okay." -"Really? You're okay staying in three parts?" +"It is not a mode either of us are comfortable with," Sasha said quietly, "but it is the only mode that would have gained us peace. Any weakness would be taken as an opening." -"I am. I am happy to. I am *excited* to. There is something pleasant about the just-off-center nature of that reality. It is home to me. I am Sasha, and I am also True Name, E.W., and May. I am of three minds." +Douglas nodded. He didn't look convinced. -"So long as that works for you." +"I am sorry. After 226 years, one learns to use contempt with precision, however dear the cost." She reached out to take one of May's paws in her own. Both of them looked exhausted. "Even so, I do not expect that is the last we will hear from him." -"I think it will. It is a way to be earnestly myself." +They didn't stay long after. Ioan eventually promised Douglas that they'd catch up another time and then gently nudged the skunks to quit and merge back down. -Ey nodded. "And I'm guessing you don't miss the social part of that life too much? Jonas or Zacharias or the rest of your stanza." +The rest of the day was silent. Ioan and May collapsed onto the beanbag and stayed there through much of it, each processing in their own way, while Sasha disappeared outside to lose herself in the wilderness, not returning until late that evening, bearing a lanky hare and double-pawful of chantarelles, which she cooked down into a simple stew. They ate on the balcony to enjoy the late summer's evening as best they could. -She poked at eir side with a claw. "You do not need to ask stupid questions, Ioan." +Sasha joined them in bed that night, and they took what comfort they could from each other's company. -"Right, right," ey said, laughing. "I figured no love lost, but--" +----- -"I did not love any of them, as friends or otherwise," she said, waving away the rest of eir comment. "Now that I have known other kinds of love, I am confident of that." +The more dramatic of the meetings, however, came that weekend. It was quieter, perhaps, but bearing more weight, more finality. -Her tone wasn't upset or dismissive, but was assertive enough that ey dropped the point. "Well, writing sounds like a good career shift, then." +The rest of the week had remained tense, with Sasha wafting in and out of the house to follow her unsettled moods while May remained quiet, nearly silent, nearly always stuck by Ioan's side. Ey knew ey should probably start laying in supplies for her overflowing, but ey was still distracted trying to pick apart the events with Zacharias. In light of eir desire to keep both of them safe and close, much of the fury that had come with eir first meeting with the fox threatened to reappear every time ey thought about the two skunks. -"Says the writer." She slouched against eir side. +Which, naturally, was quite often. -"I liked what you've gotten down so far, and I have a few notes. We'll talk about it when we're back at a desk, though." +It was not exactly the best of timing, then, when If I Am To Bathe In Dreams, an elegant, if severe-looking, skunk arrived late on a Saturday afternoon on a few minutes' notice and bowed formally to the three of them. -"Of course. I will be leaning on you a lot for help." +"Ioan, I believe Jonas hired you as an amanuensis?" she said. -"I mean, you're leaning on me now." +"He did, yes. Do you need me for that, too?" -"Smartass," she drawled. +"Please. This story is not over, will not be over for a long time yet. Listen. Watch." -Ey grinned. "I mean, no complaints. It's still a little surprising, sometimes. I guess on some level I'm still getting used to it, but May got me hooked on physical contact a long time ago." +Sasha immediately picked up on the mood and stood up straight after returning the formal bow. She offered In Dreams a seat and something to drink, both of which were declined, then said, "How may I help you?" -"A coordinated attack on your defenses, yes," she said. "It makes my job easier." +"I have a request from both my stanza and that of Memory Is A Mirror Of Hammered Silver. You will also be presented with this request in writing as an individual-eyes-only message." -"What job?" +Sasha nodded. "I understand." -"Just finding a way to stick around friends. Nothing nefarious, dear." +"We request no contact from you, your stanza, or the Bălan clade moving forward." -Ey shook eir head. "Right, sorry. I trust you." +"Wait, what?" Ioan said. May edged around a little ways behind em, clutching at eir arm. -"I agree with what May said, Ioan. Should I want anything beyond that, I will come by it honestly. I will not manipulate my way into anything." +"You are too entangled in the matter. No contact with this situation means no contact from you, May Then My Name Die With Me, or E.W. *né* Do I Know God After The End Waking. This request is in effect until further notice, and applies to our stanzas on Castor and Pollux as well, where Dear, Also, The Tree That Was Felled will be presented with the same request. None of us are on Artemis, but I will also be passing this on to Sorina Bălan. This includes general intraclade communication; we will add visibility exceptions to our messages and request that you do the same." -"I appreciate that." Ey hugged an arm around her. Ey was grateful for her looking out at the lake rather than at em, given the heat ey could feel rising to eir cheeks. "While we're being honest, though, I think we're sort of in the same boat, given what you share with May. We can both imagine that, but not necessarily the path from here to there. May called it 'the concept versus the mechanics'." +"I understand, accept, and offer you my best," Sasha said, bowing once more. -"Precisely. I imagine the same applies to you, that you will come by it earnestly." +"I do not want your best," In Dreams said, voice flat. "Ioan?" -Ey nodded. "Basically. *Is* it something you'd want?" +Ey blinked, hesitated, then bowed in turn. "I understand and accept." -"God, I have no fucking clue, Ioan," she said, laughing. +"And May Then My Name?" -"Definitely same boat, then. It's a problem for future Ioan." +It took the skunk a moment to swallow back a rising wave of emotions before she could manage a shaky nod and a hoarse, "Understood." -They fell into silence again. Part of em was itching for more pebbles to toss into the water, but ey was too comfortable to get up to collect more from the beach. +"We are of one mind, then," she said, bowed, and stepped from the sim. A few seconds later, three sheets of paper scrolled out of the air above the dining table, all set as individual-eyes-only for each of them. Ioan read through eirs several times with a hollow feeling in eir chest. -"That is a part of the reason that I kept that of my old cocladists," Sasha murmured. "I kept some doubt from E.W., enough to keep me grounded without keeping me torn. From May, I am keeping a little bit of overwhelming emotions. The possibility of simply falling for everyone around me is alluring. I can taste it in the memories, like a little bit of saccharine, gritty on the tongue. But I am keeping a little bit of caution from True Name so that it remains a new thing for me. I am of three minds Like a tree In which there are three blackbirds." +Sasha stood still for a long minute, head bowed, then stepped outside without a word, at which point May burst into tears. -Ey turned her words over in eir mind, along with whatever snippet of verse it was she'd quoted. The thought was complete. Nothing ey could respond with would add to it. It was curious, and hinted at things beyond eir ken, but it was complete. +Ioan did eir best to comfort her, but after an hour, she gently pushed em away. "I need...I need the house to myself, please." -Instead, ey said, "You're a good person, Sasha. All three of you are good people." +"Should I head to Douglas's?" -"And you, dear, are a dork." She laughed. "But come, my tail is falling asleep, and my fork's conversation with May has wrapped up and she misses you greatly." +She shook her head. "I do not know, Ioan. I just...I just need the house. If you can...I mean, if Sasha will let you stay at her tent, you can stay, but I need the house." -They walked back, then, hand in paw, following the trail as it dipped down to the water or ducked up into the trees. Back home, back to May, back to whatever it was that life had become. +"Now?" + +Nodding, she wrapped her arms around em and squeezed tighter than ey knew she could. "I love you more than anything, my dear, but yes. Now." + +Ey waited until ey could breathe properly after the squeeze, then kissed the top of her head. "I love you too, May. Please be safe, okay?" + +She nodded once more, relinquished her grip on em, and nudged em out toward the back door and outside. + +Sasha had set up a tent similar to E.W.'s, though she had skipped the process of building it herself, instead creating from similar materials off the exchange. She'd set it up nearly on the other side of the lake from their house, so that she could have the solitude that she needed without having to create some new sim of her own. When the need for space struck her, it never quite got to the point that it did with E.W. She would need away from their presences, she would say. They felt like a constant weight on her shoulders. Light, yes, but continually present. + +Ah well. This was the first time that May had overflowed in this living situation --- and so dramatically, too --- so perhaps it would be helpful after all. + +Ey took eir time walking around the shore of the lake, using it to vent the emotions that had built up over the last few hours through tears, through shouting into a cone of silence, cursing. + +"Ioan? Goodness," Sasha said. + +Ey'd managed to mostly clean up with a handkerchief, though clearly eir eyes were still red-rimmed and eir countenance...well, who knew? Glum, perhaps? + +"Hi Sasha," ey said, sitting down on the step leading up into the tent. The skunk had been writing at the small desk she'd acquired, but she moved to join em. "May's not in a good spot. She suggested I stay with you, if that's alright." + +She frowned, nodded. "That bad?" + +"Well, she kind of kicked me out of the house, yeah." + +She laid her ears flat. "We are perhaps both overflowing in our own ways." + +"Oh, shit. I wasn't thinking. Douglas--" Ey moved to stand, but she grabbed eir wrist. + +"I had seen this coming, if I am honest, so it is not hitting me quite so hard as her. I will be okay." + +Ey nodded, slowly settled back onto the step. "If you say so." + +Sasha patted eir hand and bade em stay while she got up to stoke up the fire in her stove and fry up a simple meal of potatoes and vegetables. Ey couldn't tell if it was just bland --- as E.W. preferred --- or if eir mind was too busy to process taste, so ey mostly just pushed the food around on the plate. + +"Without contraries is no progression," Sasha murmured after they'd finished. "Attraction and repulsion, reason and energy, love and hate, are necessary to human existence." + +Ey started to ask what she meant, paused, then looked the words up in the perisystem architecture. "Blake? And here I thought you all were mostly into Dickinson." + +She chuckled and elbowed em in the side. "This may be a True Name thing." + +"Are you leaning into the "Good is the passive that obeys reason; Evil is the active springing from Energy" on this, then?" + +"Nothing is so simple, dear," she said, shaking her head. "Blake was not of our kind, he would not have understood. He did get that right, though, in that we are a people of dualities. May sees in Zacharias all that she cannot --- must not --- be. In Dreams and Hammered Silver see in me that which they are not --- could not be --- and yet we are not what we are without our opposites. Every idea's opposite is just the absence of the idea itself." + +"Maybe." Ey sighed. "It's all a bit over my head." + +"I am also a little bit all over the place," she admitted. "These events have me going in three different directions at once. The Ode clade is crumbling and I cannot deny that some...that much of that is on me. I am sorry, Ioan." + +"I don't even know what to think about that," ey said, shaking eir head. "It's kind of a lot." + +"That it is. You are a good person, though. You love your partner. She knows this. I know this. You are good to her and it will all be okay. We may hope for neat endings but all we get are more beginnings." She smiled, adding, "And yes, you may stay until she is feeling better." diff --git a/content/read/043.md b/content/read/043.md index a763109..421a279 100644 --- a/content/read/043.md +++ b/content/read/043.md @@ -1,14 +1,225 @@ -> *To deny the end is to deny all beginnings,* -> *and to deny beginnings is to become immortal,* -> *and to become immortal is to repeat the past.* -> -> It has been a quarter of a millennium since eir death, and yet less than a quarter of a thousand people know eir name. Fitting, then, that I tell you the story of RJ Brewster, of the poet and the one true origin of our world, of our very own ghost in the system, of the whispers in your dreams and the one who binds us to immortality. +# Ioan Bălan --- 2350 -From *Ode* by Sasha -a companion volume to *On the Origin of Our World* -2365/systime 241+21 +May's stint of overflowing only lasted two nights. Something about the change in context, though, about staying with Sasha instead of Douglas, made everything feel tenuous, delicate. Ioan found it difficult to sleep on the padded cot that she'd added to the tent, and eventually, she must have grown tired of hearing em toss and turn (and perhaps mumble to emself), for she sleepily climbed out of her own bed and into eirs, curling up with em after confirming that it was alright. ------ +Unexpected, perhaps, but by then ey was too frustrated and exhausted to think of anything else. The added comfort certainly worked in getting em to sleep, to the point where ey slept in until a ray of sun, creeping slowly, fell across eir face and warmed em awake. -*Continue on to ["Selected Letters"](/selected-letters), the Kickstarter-backed extended epilogue for the Post-Self cycle.* +Sasha had apparently woken up earlier in the morning and snuck away, as there was a lukewarm cup of camp coffee sitting by the edge of eir bed and no skunk to be found. +Ah well, at least the coffee was good (if gritty) and ey felt better rested than ey had before. + +Ey met up with her at the shore of the lake where they talked for a bit, though it was clear that she was antsy to head out into the woods on her own, so ey eventually shooed her off, to which she bowed gratefully and said, "My notes are on my desk. If you get bored, I would appreciate your feedback." + +Ey spent the rest of the abbreviated day reading through what she'd written, making a mental list of ideas and suggestions to pass on to her when things were a little less hectic. + +That night was much the same, with the two of them talking until it was well and truly dark, then settling into their own beds until sleeplessness led to them curling together in one. + +A ping from May shortly after sunrise woke em, and the jolt startled Sasha awake as well. + +"Uh, sorry," ey mumbled, extricating eir arms from around her. "May pinged." + +Sasha levered herself up and squinted out into the orange and pink of dawn. "How is she up before me?" she grumbled. + +"Probably because she got good sleep and I kept you up being a mope." + +She shrugged noncommittally, yawned. "Slept well enough later on, at least. Did she say anything?" + +Ey shook eir head. "No, just a ping. No real urgency, though. Surprised I didn't sleep through it." + +"You are appropriately keyed to her, dear. I would be surprised if you did." + +"Mm, fair enough," ey said, grinding the heels of eir palms against eir eyes. To May, ey sent a ping in response, plus a subvocalized, "*You okay?*" + +"*Better, yes,*" came the reply. "*I am feeling quite bad about sending you off like that. Not about waking you up, though. You sound cute when you are groggy.*" + +Ey snorted, shook eir head. "Yeah, she's fine," ey said. + +Sasha surprised em by joining em on the trek back to the house, saying only, "I have been worried, as well." + +May greeted them at the balcony with steaming mugs of coffee. She declined a hug, stating that she felt gross, but did at least press her nose to Ioan's, and then to Sasha's cheek. + +"Thank you for giving me some space," she said. "I was not expecting the both of you, but I am happy to see you two all the same." + +"Of course, May. I'm just happy to see you doing better. Or happier, at least. You look a mess." + +She scoffed and gestured a paw down at herself. "I look perfectly fine, thank you very much." + +"You look a mess, dear," Sasha confirmed. "You need a shower, a change of clothes, and perhaps another four hours of sleep." + +May sighed, nodded. "I do at that. All the same, the wave has crested and gone, and now perhaps I can relax enough to do so. Coffee first, though. + +They settled on deck chairs for Sasha's sake and focused on said coffee for a bit, watching the dawn. It was good to be back to coffee that didn't require straining out the occasional percolated ground through one's teeth. + +"Are you two okay?" May said at last. + +"Tired, but that's easily fixed. Looking forward to a real bed tonight." + +Sasha poked at eir knee with a dull claw. "The tent beds are not *that* bad." + +"No, they're fine, but they still pale in comparison to our bed." + +"Well, yes, I will admit that." + +May looked between the two, then laughed. "I take it this setup worked for me taking some space?" + +Ioan shrugged. "Well enough, sure. It's nice to have another option that isn't just crashing at Douglas's." + +"It was fine, dear," Sasha added. "If ever either of you need some space, feel free to kick the other down to the tent and I will make it work." + +"I am glad," May said. "Earnestly. Ioan was such a solitary creature that I did not ever picture having neighbors when I moved in all those years ago. It is nice to have a friend close by." + +"Aren't all of your friends equally close now that--" + +Sasha cut em off, shaking her head. "Ioan, do you remember how I said that I feel others' presence around me like a weight on my shoulders?" + +Ey nodded. + +"I think it is rather like that, though do correct me if I am wrong, May. Even when I am hiding away in my tent, I am still more present than a friend out of sim is." + +"Basically," May said. "Never mind one who knows me so intimately now." + +Sasha nodded, hesitated, then said, "On that note, are *you* okay?" + +"I...well," she began, sighed, and shook her head. "I am upset, and I am disappointed that I am upset. I was so ready to be done with hatred, but I am stuck with yet more of it. Hatred from In Dreams, hatred of Zacharias, hatred in myself. More than the experiences with In Dreams and Zacharias, that feeling is what led to the past few days of tears. I thought that I was done." + +"I understand. While I am thinking of it, I would like to talk with you about Zacharias at some point --- nothing serious, just strategizing future meltdowns of his. Ioan said he kept trying to force merges on you just to get your attention." + +May winced. "Ugh, yeah. I have never felt something so intensely...I do not know. It felt like a violation of my personal space on a subatomic level. What were you thinking?" + +Sasha tilted her head. "Now? I was going to suggest in a few days time, once you were feeling better." + +"Why not? I am already a mess, I am already thinking about him, and after this, I would like more than 'a few days time' completely disengaged from the topic." She giggled, adding, "Besides, the more I have to dump on Sarah the next time I see her the better, right?" + +"I do not think it works that way, but I am not so much of a brat as you." Sasha finished her coffee, set the mug down with a sense of finality, and nodded. "Well, I suppose I am awake enough. If you do not mind, Ioan, may I steal your partner for a little bit longer? I would like to keep this first discussion between us, though I will ensure that you remain caught up. There is some...history behind this she should know." + +"Are you up for forking, May?" + +She hesitated, then shook her head, pushing herself up from her chair to step around behind eirs. She bent down to hug around eir shoulders from behind, cheek pressed against eir own. "I cannot cope with conflicts right now. I cannot yet work in parallel." + +Ey rested eir cheek against hers and frowned down to eir coffee for a few moments, sighed, then nodded. "Alright, but I get the May for the rest of the day, okay?" + +They both laughed. + +"Of course, Ioan," Sasha said. "If you would like some company out on the balcony or something, I have no such compunctions about forking." + +Ey felt May nod against eir cheek. "I am not pushing further solitude on you, my dear. Take some coffee and breakfast with you. I do not imagine we will be all that long." + +Still cognizant of her saying that she felt gross, ey patted one of her paws and turned eir head enough to kiss her on the cheek. "Alright, that sounds good." + +Ey pulled together a breakfast of rolls to go along with a thermos of coffee, got one more nose-press of a kiss with May, and stepped back outside with an instance of Sasha. + +The house had been set up on a portion of the slope that was turned a little toward the west for sunset views, meaning that the sun was not yet hitting the balcony. Autumn had gotten chilly enough at night, though, that they decided instead to walk down to the boulder lakeside, which would almost certainly be in full sun, even if it was less comfortable than the deck chairs. + +They sat in silence, drinking their coffee and eating rolls with butter and honey. + +"Do you think you'll stay, Sasha?" Ioan said, once the rhythm of the silence made room for conversation. + +"I am too much myself to say that I will stay forever, but as long as my room and tent are there, as long as you and May are comfortable with me being a part of your lives, I will be happy to call it home. Or at least *a* home." + +"Really? No bigger and brighter things?" + +She laughed and leaned over to touch her nose to eir cheek. "This *is* bigger and brighter things, Ioan." + +"Well, I'm sure we'll talk about it plenty, but I see no reason not to keep your room about, and your tent's certainly no trouble. I don't know what you overflowing will look like, but if it involves two thirds solitude and one third getting lost walking sims, I don't imagine you'll be around all the time." + +"Not at all, no. I will spend my share of time at the tent to be alone or out walking the world. Perhaps I will even ask you to double the rest of the house so that I can cook somewhere domestic, not just the wild." + +"Of course." Ey shrugged, tossing one of eir collected pebbles into the lake. "Besides, I like having you around." + +"I am pleased to hear that. I had gathered such, but all the same, I would not want to be a bother." + +"Oh, not at all. It seems like we're all pretty good at sorting things out when they do come up, so I don't imagine it'll get to that point." + +"And I am not impinging too much on your and May's relationship?" she asked, holding out her paw for one of eir pebbles. "I am asking her, too, and we will continue to talk together, but I also want to ask you directly." + +Ey smiled, handing over the small rock. "I don't think so. So long as we can still have time to ourselves when we need, I'll be happy." + +She tossed the pebble out into the water. "Of course, dear." After a pause, she grinned and added, "She is gushing about you now. She loves you very much, you know." + +Ioan chuckled. "I love her too. I worry sometimes, but all I can do is trust her." + +"Yes. She will not betray that trust. I know to an extent just how much she means to you and to a much greater extent how much you mean to her." + +They sat in quiet for a while, tossing pebbles into the water until ey ran out. + +"Hey Sasha?" + +"Mm?" + +"Do you miss anything from before all this?" + +She shrugged. "It is hard to tell. As I have said, I liked being True Name. It was fulfilling. Every time I think about that now, though, it is intercut with memories of other happinesses. I will think about some particularly adroit political move and remember it fondly, but right along with it is a memory of a successful hunt or of making fun of you for your pen collection." + +Ey laughed. + +"In confidence?" + +"Sure." + +"Do you remember when I asked May about how she cemented aspects of her personality by forking?" + +"Mmhm." + +"There was one more change that I made during that meeting, which was to cement this triad of identities within me. It became who I am by accident, but it has become an integral part of me. I welcomed it in, owned it, made it a part of myself. I will ever be what I am." + +"Really? You're okay staying in three parts?" + +"I am. I am happy to. I am *excited* to. There is something pleasant about the just-off-center nature of that reality. It is home to me. I am Sasha, and I am also True Name, E.W., and May. I am of three minds." + +"So long as that works for you." + +"I think it will. It is a way to be earnestly myself." + +Ey nodded. "And I'm guessing you don't miss the social part of that life too much? Jonas or Zacharias or the rest of your stanza." + +She poked at eir side with a claw. "You do not need to ask stupid questions, Ioan." + +"Right, right," ey said, laughing. "I figured no love lost, but--" + +"I did not love any of them, as friends or otherwise," she said, waving away the rest of eir comment. "Now that I have known other kinds of love, I am confident of that." + +Her tone wasn't upset or dismissive, but was assertive enough that ey dropped the point. "Well, writing sounds like a good career shift, then." + +"Says the writer." She slouched against eir side. + +"I liked what you've gotten down so far, and I have a few notes. We'll talk about it when we're back at a desk, though." + +"Of course. I will be leaning on you a lot for help." + +"I mean, you're leaning on me now." + +"Smartass," she drawled. + +Ey grinned. "I mean, no complaints. It's still a little surprising, sometimes. I guess on some level I'm still getting used to it, but May got me hooked on physical contact a long time ago." + +"A coordinated attack on your defenses, yes," she said. "It makes my job easier." + +"What job?" + +"Just finding a way to stick around friends. Nothing nefarious, dear." + +Ey shook eir head. "Right, sorry. I trust you." + +"I agree with what May said, Ioan. Should I want anything beyond that, I will come by it honestly. I will not manipulate my way into anything." + +"I appreciate that." Ey hugged an arm around her. Ey was grateful for her looking out at the lake rather than at em, given the heat ey could feel rising to eir cheeks. "While we're being honest, though, I think we're sort of in the same boat, given what you share with May. We can both imagine that, but not necessarily the path from here to there. May called it 'the concept versus the mechanics'." + +"Precisely. I imagine the same applies to you, that you will come by it earnestly." + +Ey nodded. "Basically. *Is* it something you'd want?" + +"God, I have no fucking clue, Ioan," she said, laughing. + +"Definitely same boat, then. It's a problem for future Ioan." + +They fell into silence again. Part of em was itching for more pebbles to toss into the water, but ey was too comfortable to get up to collect more from the beach. + +"That is a part of the reason that I kept that of my old cocladists," Sasha murmured. "I kept some doubt from E.W., enough to keep me grounded without keeping me torn. From May, I am keeping a little bit of overwhelming emotions. The possibility of simply falling for everyone around me is alluring. I can taste it in the memories, like a little bit of saccharine, gritty on the tongue. But I am keeping a little bit of caution from True Name so that it remains a new thing for me. I am of three minds Like a tree In which there are three blackbirds." + +Ey turned her words over in eir mind, along with whatever snippet of verse it was she'd quoted. The thought was complete. Nothing ey could respond with would add to it. It was curious, and hinted at things beyond eir ken, but it was complete. + +Instead, ey said, "You're a good person, Sasha. All three of you are good people." + +"And you, dear, are a dork." She laughed. "But come, my tail is falling asleep, and my fork's conversation with May has wrapped up and she misses you greatly." + +They walked back, then, hand in paw, following the trail as it dipped down to the water or ducked up into the trees. Back home, back to May, back to whatever it was that life had become. diff --git a/content/read/044.md b/content/read/044.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..a763109 --- /dev/null +++ b/content/read/044.md @@ -0,0 +1,14 @@ +> *To deny the end is to deny all beginnings,* +> *and to deny beginnings is to become immortal,* +> *and to become immortal is to repeat the past.* +> +> It has been a quarter of a millennium since eir death, and yet less than a quarter of a thousand people know eir name. Fitting, then, that I tell you the story of RJ Brewster, of the poet and the one true origin of our world, of our very own ghost in the system, of the whispers in your dreams and the one who binds us to immortality. + +From *Ode* by Sasha +a companion volume to *On the Origin of Our World* +2365/systime 241+21 + +----- + +*Continue on to ["Selected Letters"](/selected-letters), the Kickstarter-backed extended epilogue for the Post-Self cycle.* +