reordering

content/read/038.md

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-# Codrin Bălan#Artemis --- 2346
+# Ioan Bălan --- 2346
 
-> *Convergence T-minus 1 day, 2 hours, 32 minutes*
+> *Convergence T-plus 30 days, 15 hours, 47 minutes*  
+> *(Castor--Lagrange transmission delay: 30 days, 14 hours, 36 minutes)*
 
-The next note that came from Castor included a block of indecipherable text that was marked as clade-eyes-only for Turun Ka.
+Ioan#98ae38dc arrived at the appointed coffee shop a good hour in advance. The meeting had been eir idea, but it had also been eir primary source of stress during the day prior to it.
 
-Codrin puzzled over this during a private minute in fast time.
+The idea of meeting up with True Name in a neutral setting had not gone over as poorly as feared with May. She hadn't been pleased, to be sure, but given the news from Castor, she had accepted that the chance of further contact with her down-tree instance was likely anyway, and had stated that she was unwilling to engage with her further on the point so ey might as well.
 
-Normally, clade-eyes-only or individual-eyes-only text for someone other than the recipient appeared as that header of, for instance, *Bălan Clade-Eyes-Only Material* followed by an indication that such text might be there, but nothing about its contents, including its length or composition. For em, this usually appeared as an ellipsis in square brackets, long-standing traditions of elision being what they were.
+So, ey had forked, given her double kisses on the cheeks along with #Tracker, and stepped away to sit and fret somewhere where ey'd not be a bother.
 
-This, however, appeared to be text of the type ey'd grown used to in encrypted blocks. Letters, numbers, punctuation, all crammed into a single unbroken chunk. More, some of the characters appeared to be restless. They strained at their form, as though they desperately wanted to be something else, and when ey looked away and back, they were indeed that other form, and some other character nearby would be itching to change, instead.
+The coffee shop was quite comfortable, familiar from when ey'd first met Dear so many years ago. A cozy affair set in a simulacrum of a small town. Cute shops, gas lamps, brick-paved roads.
 
-Clearly, one of the delegates from Castor had instructed the Artemisians on not just how to send text back to Artemis, but how to do so in a private way. Artemis itself, however, couldn't figure out how to represent that, and perhaps that's what clade-eyes-only text might actually be in the perisystem architecture.
+Inside, ey staked out an L-shaped couch for their meeting and sat, sipping eir way slowly through first a coffee and then a tea, figuring that eir nerves were jangly enough without the added caffeine.
 
-Ey recreated the note on a few fresh sheets of paper, eir own message on one and Turun Ka's on another, and headed back to the meeting.
+True Name arrived fifteen minutes before their scheduled meeting, looking far more collected and confident, far more herself, than she had the last time ey'd seen her. She smiled brightly to em, ordered her drink, and then sat primly on the couch across from em, blinking a cone of silence into existence as she did so.
 
-"Leader Turun Ka," ey said, once they were gathered together once more. "I have received a message from your counterpart back on Castor. It is encrypted for your eyes only, though I'm not sure how well that functionality transfers between systems."
+"Mx. Bălan, thank you for meeting with me. I was surprised --- pleasantly so --- to have received your invitation."
 
-The firstracer's head remained still, leaving no clues as to its opinion of this matter, and it gracefully accepted the note that Codrin passed over. It didn't hold it up to see or bow its head to look down at it, so ey figured that as soon as it changed hands, it must have changed its form. Paper, after all, was only a symbol. Letters, words, and written language only signs.
+Ey nodded. "Thank you for accepting. I figured it might be nice to have a calmer conversation than our last one. I want to make sure that we stay on at least polite terms as...in-laws of a sort."
 
-"Thank you, recorder Codrin Bălan. The information is intact."
+There was no shift in the skunk's attentive expression, nor in her posture. She simply nodded and took a few laps of her drink, wiping a dollop of whipped cream from her nose after. "I appreciate that. I understand that our dynamic is complex and that of May Then My Name and I all the more so. We will never be close, you and I, but I can accept that."
 
-As ey expected, this was followed up by a blurred meeting of the Artemisian delegates in fast time.
+"Right, and I don't want all of our interactions to be stressful."
 
-Ey spent the time sneaking glances at True Name and Answers Will Not Help, catching Tycho and Sarah doing the same.
+"If you will forgive a bit of small talk, may I ask after your partner's well-being, at least? I understand through intraclade communications that she had...that there was..."
 
-True Name, despite maintaining careful control of her expression, still appeared to be beyond tired. The flickers of her human form came more regularly, now, and, while her appearance as a skunk remained polite, attentive, and receptive, that human face showed only exhaustion.
+"She wound up overflowing, yeah. She's bounced back well enough for the most part, and we've been back at work."
 
-Answers Will Not Help, however, was a mess.
+True Name nodded, a hint of a bow. "Thank you, Ioan. It is encouraging to hear. And you are working on a play regarding our visitors on Castor?"
 
-Her form rippled between species, and with it, so too did her expression. She would veer wildly between barely constrained laughter and agony, all while tears coursed down her cheeks or left tracks in fur. She managed to keep quiet for the most part, though occasionally a snippet of poetry would escape her: here a line of the Ode, there a bit of Dickinson. She had even startled Tycho at one point by quoting something ey didn't quite recognize: "I have sown, like Tycho Brahé, that a greater man may reap..."
+"Bit by bit," ey said. "I add to it every time we get a bit of news. That was another reason I wanted to meet up."
 
-This wild dissociation from the world around her was made all the more unnerving by the fact that ey could tell that she was having a difficult time staying within common time. 
+The calm smile that the skunk had been wearing slipped down into something more businesslike. "Yes. May I ask what information you have received?"
 
-She never veered far from it, only within a range of point one to either side, but even that carried with it a sense of wrongness. They were in a unison room, something that she had specifically requested, which ey'd been told meant that she specifically *shouldn't* be able to do that. Skew simply wasn't available to em when ey reached for it.
+Ioan pulled the few sheets of folded paper from eir pocket and unfolded them, skimming through the notes. "The talks have begun and sound like they're going well enough on Castor, but that True Name and Why Ask Questions on Artemis are struggling, though they've been working through it as best they can. That's the last I've heard."
 
-Iska had hardly taken their eyes off her since they'd noticed as well, as though they were trying to puzzle out just how it was that this was happening.
+Ey handed over the letters, already trimmed of clade-eyes-only and other personal information. True Name read through them quickly, nodding.
 
-They were only two and a half days into the conference and, while both sides had learned much about the other, ey wondered if they'd even be able to make it to a week.
+"We have heard much the same. It was a calculated risk, sending myself and Why Ask Questions rather than a Jonas or someone else less affected by this time skew that they have mentioned."
 
-*Or even the end of today,* ey thought. *Answers Will Not Help looks like she's about to explode.*
+"It sounds reminiscent of what I saw of Michelle. Certainly unpleasant."
 
-"Leader True Name," Turun Ka began, once the delegates had returned to common time. "While I am not able to divulge the contents of the note I have received, it has led to a discussion amongst us, and we would like to ask about your history."
+She sat in silence for a few long seconds, both paws wrapped around her wide-brimmed mug of coffee. Her face was impassive and posture unreadable. Even her eyes remained fixed on some spot over eir shoulder, unmoving. She seemed frozen.
 
-"From the founding of the System?" she asked, voice tight.
+"True Name?"
 
-"Apologies, leader True Name. We would like to know about your history. You and your cocladist."
+"No," she said at last, her shoulders sagging a fraction of an inch, enough to show some level of exhaustion that had previously been hidden. "It does not sound pleasant."
 
-Her shoulders sagged. "Would you like information specifically relating to our appearance here on Artemis?"
+"End Waking put it, "when presented with the fragility of eternity once more, I cannot imagine that I would remain sane". None of the Odists I've talked to sound happy about this."
 
-"This is a good place to begin."
+"We are not," she said. "Ioan, may I ask that we talk about--"
 
-The skunk looked as though she hadn't the faintest idea of where to begin, as though too many thoughts clouded her mind for her to decide.
+"In a moment, True Name, I promise." Ey took a deep breath, setting eir tea down on the table in front of the couch, turning to face the skunk. "Again, I don't want to leave the air clouded between us, but this is important to me, too. I'm sure you understand."
 
-Codrin nodded toward her, "By your leave, True Name?"
+She nodded, straightening up as though steeling herself for a coming blow. "I imagine it is. Then yes, it is unpleasant. I do not think that either of my cocladists aboard Artemis are in any imminent danger, but it is bringing uncomfortable memories to the fore."
 
-"Please, Mx. Bălan." She sounded quite relieved.
+"End Waking said that, too. I have my concerns for your cocladists aboard Artemis, but I'm more worried about these uncomfortable memories cropping up across the clade."
 
-"Prior to the founding of the System two hundred thirty-one years ago, long distance communication and interaction took place over a global network. It worked much as it does here, in that there are designated locations --- sims, a name which has stuck with us --- and we interacted through forms such as these. The origin of our System came about shortly after a brief period of political unrest wherein some political entities released a type of virus into the implanted hardware we used to connect to the 'net. Those who came across too much information relating to this unrest had the virus triggered and were trapped in a vegetative state, locked within their minds." Ey paused and looked to True Name, who nodded. Answers Will Not Help just hugged her arms to her front, looking pale as she silently mouthed some litany ey couldn't guess. "Michelle Hadje, the root instance of the Ode clade, to which True Name and Why Ask Questions belong, was one of these individuals. The lost, they called them. Dear, my partner, is an Odist as well, and mentioned to me beforehand that a malleable sense of time sounded much like what it experienced during that period."
+"This is about Death Itself and I Do Not Know, is it not?" she asked, voice quiet, tightly controlled.
 
-"You are not normally like this," Turun Ka said. A statement rather than a question. "My counterpart on Castor describes you as solely in the form you primarily occupy here, and Why Ask Questions solely in, *lu*...a human form. You are both described as calm, confident, and politically adroit."
+Ey nodded.
 
-True Name winced. "It is uncomfortable for me to be in this state. I am not up to my usual standards."
+The skunk clutched her coffee closer to her chest, as though that might serve to shield her. It certainly felt as though she was struggling not to close herself off from the topic entirely. "We are very old, Ioan, and the implication of eternity has affected us all differently. I am beginning to think that it has less to do with memory than we had all originally suspected, but all the same, we have all begun to struggle through the centuries."
 
-"This has led-turned-into a situation of unequality-power-dynamic," Turun Ko said, picking up where the leader had left off. "For this we express-offer concern-well-wishes-condolences."
+Ey nodded, but remained silent. She was speaking slowly, and did not appear to have finished.
 
-"We are unable, at this point in the convergence, to accept other delegates, or we would offer you greater respite than we have already," Turun Ka finished.
+"I did not talk with Death Itself much, and I was never able to speak with I Do Not Know. I did not know them except through observation. I am sorry-- no." She shook her head, frowning. "I was going to say that I am sorry that they are no longer with us, but you know as well as I that this is not some small loss for us to be brushed away with thoughts and prayers, even for those of us who did not speak with them. Sad is not the correct term. I am anxious."
 
-"Thank you for your concern," the skunk said. "I understand your reasoning, and would not wish to miss these discussions. I have trust in Mx. Bălan, Dr. Brahe, and Ms. Genet, however, to share our load."
+"Anxious of how this madness, as End Waking called it, might affect you and yours?"
 
-Both Turun Ka and Turun Ko lifted their heads in assent, the leader adding, "As always, we will strive to make your stay as comfortable as possible."
+She nodded, averting her eyes. "I am fucking terrified, Ioan. What am I to do in the face of such enormity?"
 
-True Name nodded her thanks.
+Ey blinked, taken aback. This was not how ey'd imagined the conversation would go. Ey'd pictured her providing some glib explanation for what was happening and perhaps outlining the steps that she and her close cocladists were taking to control the situation. Ey was expecting her to steer em towards confidence in her, and hopefully even to soothe eir fears about May through doing so.
 
-At a glance from Artante, the Artemisians slid up to fast time for a brief conversation before returning. "We of fourthrace experienced similar prior to the creation of our embedding system. This was the result of a war, a virus targeting a nation that led large sections of the population being affected."
+This wasn't the True Name ey remembered. Were these her own cracks showing?
 
-"Were they able to free those who were?"
+Ey prowled through memories of the conversations ey'd had with her over the years --- several, during those first few years after launch, then the rapid decrease after the publication of the *History* --- and tallied up each against the next.
 
-"Only approximately a quarter. Some three million of my race died from various causes while...lost."
+"You've changed quite a bit, True Name," ey said. "I don't know what you're supposed to do, that's out of my league. All I can say is that you've changed. It looks like it takes you a lot of effort to keep the confidence that used to be so integral to your personality."
 
-Codrin blinked, leaning back in eir chair. "Three *million?* Good Lord..."
+Ey watched as she bridled, subsided, and nodded. "I am not what I was."
 
-Artante nodded. "Of those who returned, all suffered what representative Sarah Genet has called post-traumatic stress disorder. None were affected such as you, leader True Name and representative Why Ask Questions, but many also experienced chronic episodes of psychosis combined with logorrhea, glossolalia, and graphomania, if I am understanding the terms properly."
+"What changed?"
 
-Codrin's eyes darted over to Answers Will Not Help --- as, ey noticed, did the rest of the emissaries. She averted her gaze, lips still mouthing countless words. Ey hastened to catch up on the notes ey'd been taking to cover for emself.
+She shrugged helplessly. "If I knew, perhaps I could fix it, bring back that easy confidence."
 
-"Did any of those affected upload? Or...embed?" True Name asked.
+The conversation was veering further off-script. The skunk herself was veering far afield from the one ey'd pictured in eir head. "Your counterpart on Castor sounds much the same as I remember. The True Name on Pollux has, from what I hear, wound up in a relationship and started to guide more openly over the last few years."
 
-"Of those who did not take their own lives, all--"
+Looking down to where she held her mug against her front, True Name blinked rapidly, nodding.
 
-"I cannot feel em!" Answers Will Not Help interrupted, nearly shouting. Tears were streaming down her face, now. "I cannot...here...b-beside whom..."
+*Tears? Really?* Ey frowned, searching her face and posture for any hint that this was some calculated display of emotion, then chided emself for such cynicism. 
 
-Something akin to anger or fear tore through True Name's exhaustion and she sat bolt upright, glaring down the row of emissaries to Answers Will Not Help. "Why Ask Questions, my dear, please do try to remain present," she said, voice eerily calm, soothing.
+"Is it something about the Lagrange System?" ey asked, hunting for something to fix, helpless to stop emself from doing so. Some anxiety over that lack of control drove em to try and smooth out the situation *somehow*. "Is the culture that different here? Maybe something about the System itself? I'm trying to think of what might be different."
 
-The silence at the table was absolute. All delegates on both sides held still, and Codrin suspected that all of the emissaries from Castor were holding their breath. All had experienced the laser-focused wrath of at least one of the Odists in the weeks leading up to the conference.
+"I do not know, Ioan." She sniffed, sat up straighter, and smiled tiredly at em. "Again, if I did, perhaps there might be something that I could do to address it. I know what I am --- what I have become --- in comparison to my peers. While I am trying not to view that as a failing, it is...difficult."
 
-Answers Will Not Help hunched her shoulders, cowed. Every ounce of control she had remaining seemed to be dedicated to keeping her crying as quiet as possible.
+"Something with Jonas, perhaps?"
 
-"Leader True Name," Artante asked, voice just as soothing. "You do not need to answer, but may I ask what just happened?"
+She winced and looked away, ears pinned flat.
 
-"I will not answer, representative Artante Diria," she said, voice once more slipping into exhaustion as a wave of human form washed over her features. "It is a private matter between me and my cocladist. My apologies."
+Ey had to resist the urge to reach out and offer her eir hand to hold for comfort as ey did so often with May. They looked so similar, even still, even after centuries of divergence, and all the more so when struggling with overwhelming emotions.
 
-The fourthracer bowed her head. "I understand. Would you like to take a break?"
+She must have caught some slight movement or hint of this on eir face or in eir posture, as she chuckled. "If I were built more like your May Then My Name, then perhaps I could more easily accept comfort, but I am not. Thank you for listening, though. I cannot talk about these things with Jonas."
 
-"Perhaps a brief break would be nice," Sarah said, nodding. "We can collect ourselves and move onto a separate aspect of the history of the System."
+Ey laughed, shrugging sheepishly. "Sorry, True Name. Long habit. Still, I'm happy to listen. I know that my relationship puts us in a precarious position relative to each other and there are still some aspects about our history that are...difficult to internalize, but, well--" Ey sat up straighter at a sudden memory. "Hey, have you talked with In Dreams yet? Or this Sarah Genet?"
 
-True Name nodded.
+"I have spoken with In Dreams, yes," she said, tilting her head. "Though I am not sure in what capacity you mean. She has kept me up to date on the cross-clade issues. I only know the name Sarah Genet from the communications from Castor."
 
-"Your break-respite need not be brief-short," Turun Ko said. "We are capable-of-able-to-permitted-to skew the unison room to allow for longer rests."
+"Really? I thought that they had been in contact with all of the clade they could," ey said, frowning. "But perhaps that's still in progress. Either way, you mentioned having someone to talk to, and In Dreams has suggested taking a therapeutic approach to this. She and Ms. Genet have been working on setting up a course of therapy sessions for Odists and a few of the other old clades that are struggling. Perhaps that's something that could help. May has an appointment in a few days." Ey hastened to add, "I'm still happy to listen, but I'm hardly trained in that."
 
-"No!" This time, Answers Will Not Help did shout, voice shifting slightly as she slid this way and that away from common time. "Sorry. No, please do not --- motes in the stage-lights --- please do not take time from us. No, no no no, please..."
+The skunk laughed, and it was difficult to miss the bitter tone in her voice. "I spoke with In Dreams this morning, and had not heard this. Perhaps it is an issue of priority."
 
-Iska's expression had steadily grown more and more alarmed throughout the proceedings. "I do not--"
+Eir frown deepened.
 
-"We will reconvene in fifteen minutes common time," Turun Ka said. Nothing in its voice changed from how it normally spoke, though it having spoke was enough to quell Iska to silence. "Representative Artante Diria, representative Iska, please convene to address this issue moving forward from a psychological and technical standpoint. When we return, we will indeed move on to another subject."
+She made a setting-aside gesture that ey'd grown used to from May, as though the topic were unimportant, not worth discussing. "I will contact them. Thank you for suggesting that, Mx. Bălan. Even if they are unwilling to help, it is probably a good idea that I seek out therapy. Lord knows I need it."
 
-Iska bowed their head in assent.
+Ey nodded, wary to continue. As the silence that followed stretched out, ey retrieved eir tea and sipped it before it grew too cold.
 
-Answers Will Not Help was sobbing in earnest now, stifling it as best she can with her face hidden behind the notebook she had before her but had yet to touch.
+"Why are you happy to listen to me, Ioan?"
 
-*"I cannot feel em"? Feel who?* Codrin thought, frowning.
+Ey shook emself from eir own rumination and back to the present. "I'm sorry?"
 
-Ey leaned forward again to write notes on what had just happened, but before eir pen could touch paper, True Name pulled it slowly but insistently from eir hand. 
+True Name smiled. "You said that you were happy to listen to me. Your partner hates me --- let us not mince words: she hates me and I have grown to accept that as best I can. You are close, as partners should be, and you have as much reason to hate me as anyone, and yet you met me here --- asked to meet me here, even --- and say that you are happy to listen. Why?"
 
-"Nothing of these happenings is to wind up in writing except that it be sent as a clade-eyes-only letter to the Odists," she said, the words softened by a shaky smile. "I would like to discuss these events with my cocladists, first."
+"Oh. Well," ey began, then stalled out. Ey raced through eir memories for a reason ey could articulate. "It was something that Codrin#Castor said. Em and Dear both, actually. Codrin passed on a letter that Codrin#Artemis sent, saying that it has been difficult emotionally to watch what ey remembers from Michelle in your cocladists. When ey mentioned the time skew to it, Dear said to be watchful around your counterpart, saying, 'remember what I said: even True Name has emotions, even she will be affected'."
 
-Ey nodded numbly, accepting eir now-capped pen back.
+The skunk sat back, looking stunned, then choked out a half-laugh-half-sob, setting her mug down on the table so that she could rub her paws firmly over her face, leaving them to cover it. "Even I have emotions. Even I!" she said between deep breaths. "I know that your cocladist and Dear meant well by this, but how damning an indictment. *Even I.*"
 
-"Now, I would like to lie down during this break. Please accompany me so that I may dictate this letter."
+"I'm sorry, True Name."
 
+She shook her head, took a moment to regain her composure, and said, "No, I suppose I do, at that. It is difficult to remember even from the inside, my dear. Thank you for reminding me, and thank you for listening."
 
+The skunk reached out a paw toward em and, after a moment's hesitation, ey took it and gave it what ey hoped was a comforting squeeze. Ey was once more startled by the similarity of her to May: the softness of her fur, the satiny feel of her pads, those well-kept claws.
+
+She laughed and shook her head, pulling her paw back. "How silly. I believe I stand by my assessment that comfort through physicality is not for me, but thank you all the same. That you have the capacity to comfort...well, even me does mean a lot, Mx. Bălan. I appreciate your empathy."
+
+Ey smiled cautiously. "Worth a try, I suppose."
+
+"Yes. Worth a try." She stood slowly and gave a hint of a bow. "I have much to think about, Mx. Bălan, and a message to send to Ms. Genet. Please spend some quality time with your partner tonight, and I hope to see you in the future."
+
+"Of course. Until next time."
+
+She bowed again and stepped from the sim, leaving em to sit on the couch and finish eir tea, mulling over the differences between changing and forgetting. Without forgetting, all True Name had, all they *all* had, was the ability to change, and all they could do was hope that this would be enough to keep them all sane.