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-# Douglas Hadje --- 2325
+# Codrin Bălan#Castor --- 2325
 
-May Then My Name,
+The sim in which Dear's house squatted low, that short-grass prairie filled with buffalo grass and dotted with yucca and hardy dandelions, ran to the horizons in ceaseless waves, and often, when eir mind was too tangled up in itself to get anything done, Codrin would hunt those horizons.
 
-Thank you for writing back. I was not expecting to get so emotional from your questions. They struck a nerve, and I'm still not sure why. I sent my answers and then went to lay down and do exactly as I said: curl up and cry.
+When ey had first moved in years ago, ey had asked Dear what else was on the prairie, and it had laughed. *"I do not know."*
 
-Then I sobered up, such as it were, and immediately regretted it. I feel like I was too emotional, too caught up in the moment. Too personal, maybe? You and I have had a very professional relationship, and I *am* grateful for that, because we did just launch two interstellar probes full of a few billion souls. I feel like my answers were maybe too familiar.
+"Did Serene not leave you a map?"
 
-Your reply put much of that anxiety to rest, for which I am also grateful. I will answer your next batch of questions momentarily, but I want to address some points from your letter leading up to those, first.
+It shook its head again and had repeated. *"I do not know. She does not know. It is just a prairie that never ends. You can walk as far as you want and there will always be more prairie before you. There are no mountains on the horizon, there are no rivers or creeks, and while there are a few rock outcroppings, they are largely uninspiring."*
 
-> Of course I will write back! I have no intention of stopping. Ioan and I will continue to bombard you with questions until either you tell us to stop or we come out with our history and mythography --- and even then, do not count on it. Also, please feel free to ask us your own questions. Not only will we enjoy answering them, but they will continue to help us build our picture of you which will help us put your answers in context.
+"So, just an empty prairie?"
 
-Oh, don't worry! I will have plenty of questions for you. If I'm going to upload in the future, I'd also like to know more about how things are sys-side. I mostly only contact you (and I guess Ioan through you? Hi Ioan!) so it all sounds very surreal.
+*"You say 'just', but Serene assures me that it is more complicated than that. The prairie is generated out to the horizon, and as long as you walk, it will continue to be generated out to the horizon. Only the places that we have seen are locked down, as it were, and remain after we have left."*
 
-> I do remember the name Michelle Hadje. She was one the founders as you mention, but more, she was the source of (or at least involved with) many of the ideas that drive the System to this day. She helped with consensual sensoria, for instance, as well as the reputation market that we use in lieu of currency in order to regulate forking in the early days. Unfortunately, Michelle herself does not remain in the System as of a bit under twenty years ago, so I will not be able to put you in touch with her, and should you choose to upload in the future, you will not be able to meet her face to face. I am sorry for your loss.
+"That sounds like it would just continue generating prairie."
 
-Thank you so much for letting me know. I'm saddened by this, but strangely calm as well. That I will never get to meet her comes with grief, but that I now at least know something of her (even if it's of her end), a portion of my curiosity has been sated.
+It had shrugged at that. *"All I have seen is prairie, and I have walked for days out there. Serene is no less a trickster than I, however, and I would not be surprised if there is something out there, perhaps triggered by a mood or a word."*
 
-I say a portion, though; did you ever meet her? You say she was formative for a lot of the System's tech; does everyone know that about her? Is she famous? If you did know her, what was she like? You say that Ioan's a historian, perhaps ey knows?
+And so when eir mind was too tangled up in itself to get anything done, Codrin would walk and walk and walk, always with the idea at the back of eir mind that perhaps ey would stumble across a creek or a cave that ey could bring Dear out to see.
 
-I know her end, but I remain hungry for any information that you can give on her life.
+The endless prairie also provided an outlet to seek solitude.
 
-> You mention having little to do. Do you know when you might upload? Failing that, might you ask the Launch commission if you can add real-time communication with us to your list of duties? It would be convenient to have someone on the station to talk to so that we are not limited by the transmission time planet-side.
+Moving in with Dear and its partner had been decided on a whim, originally as a way to complete the project ey had undertaken, and then when their relationship began to encompass em as well, ey had found emself suddenly surrounded by those other than emself.
 
-I asked, and they said yes. Though again, they were largely baffled by the request. They have suggested that I keep communication as the last priority on my list of duties, which, sure. I'll send a message when I'm able to talk, if you're amenable. Will they wake you if you're asleep? (Do you sleep? I realize I don't even know.)
+This had had its ups and downs. Ey did not realize that a not insubstantial portion of what ey had previously labeled boredom or listlessness had been loneliness. That feeling of becoming a part of something that required emotional investment and paid back emotional dividends had fulfilled em in a way that ey had not expected. Ey had talked about this with Ioan a year or so after ey had noticed it, and eir down-tree instance had agreed far more readily than ey had expected, saying that the Ode clade project had led to something of a sea change within em, and then reminded Codrin that ey had merged before moving in with Dear and had both perspectives within em now, solitary and social.
 
-> You say that you consider your body a 'tool and vehicle to get you from place to place'. I would like you to know that, upon reading that I ran to show Ioan your response and laugh in eir face for being almost exactly like you in this respect.
+However, it had meant that that part of em which was built up of things solitary now required conscious intervention to satisfy. Ioan had needed to seek out the social, and now Codrin needed to seek out the solitary.
 
-I am not sure whether to thank you or be offended, but since Ioan sounds very interesting, I'll go with the former. Everything is so much bigger than I am, I sometimes wonder why I ought to worry about my body at all. Perhaps this is an artifact of an unpleasant upbringing and a long series of very intellectual jobs, and perhaps it's just foreshadowing me uploading.
+Ey needed to be away from Dear.
 
-Ioan, if you're reading this, maybe you can explain this to May Then My Name, if you haven't already!
+It wasn't that the fox was hurting em. It was a delightful partner, kind and considerate, and it knew how to apologize when it had made a misstep. It wasn't even particularly loud, as its partner had long ago kicked it out of the house for working on anything that would be noisy.
 
------
+It was just a lot.
 
-Before I get to answering questions, here are a list of mine not already included above:
+The first time that Codrin had stepped away from the house when Dear was being a lot, the fox had gone into a small sulk, sending Codrin a curt apology via sensorium message and not responding when Codrin said that ey'd be back in a bit. They had soothed ruffled fur over dinner. Now, when Codrin stepped out to take a break from a very intense fennec, ey would leave with a reassurance and still take comfort in the loneliness of the prairie.
 
-* What does your day-to-day life look like?
-* What did you do before uploading?
-* Where were you before uploading? If it's not insensitive to ask, do you have an accent while speaking? I've noticed a few habits you have when writing, so it got me thinking English might not be your first language.
-* I sort of asked in my previous email, but I worry that I overstepped my bounds by asking when you uploaded. Is that a sensitive topic?
-* Where does your name come from? Does it come from that snippet you sent to me?
-* On that note, do forks generally keep the same name (you mentioned three copies of Ioan, for instance), or is it common to change names for different forks?
-* In the status reports you sent for the launches, you mention dispersionistas, trackers, and taskers, and in the final one, you mention that investing fully in the launch was a danger for taskers. By this, and from some surface-level research, I infer that these describe habits of forking. I'd like to hear your take on it, though. What habit do you have? Is this something people even talk about? Argue or fight about? Is it insensitive for me to ask? If so, apologies!
+Dear had been a lot today. Codrin had suggested that they do an interview together after Ioan had sent both launches --- Castor and Pollux --- a note asking that Codrin include the trio's reasons for leaving as well as those ey would be interviewing.
 
-These questions are for Ioan, if ey's up for answering them:
+*"We already told em that our fireside stories would be the only reasons we would send."*
 
-* What does being a historian on the System look like? I keep imagining that you live in a sort of repository of all knowledge anyway and can just look up whatever you want. Is that true?
-* What are some things that you enjoy researching/writing about? 
-* Is there a university up there where people study? What other occupations are there?
-* Were you a historian before you uploaded?
-* I asked May Then My Name above; if you're comfortable answering, what habit of forking do you have?
+"Well, yes," Codrin said. "But from the sound of it, the Pollux launch didn't do fireside stories."
 
------
+*"Then why not send that request only to Pollux?"*
 
-And now, for the answers to your questions.
+"There was more to the message than that, Dear. Maybe ey just wrote the same thing for both launches and sent it in one go."
 
-> If you are willing, tell me more about your childhood (where you were born, what your parents were like, what your schooling was like, etc).
+The fox had stared down into eir wide mug of coffee, a series of emotions crossing its face, before nodding. *"Yes, of course. I apologize, Codrin. I have been thinking about those stories since launch night, and the more I do, the less I want the actual reasons to wind up in some history book."*
 
-As mentioned before, Earth was a shithole, so while I'm happy to talk about it, don't expect me to be kind or friendly about it.
+Codrin had laughed, sipping eir own coffee. "I understand the impulse, believe me. I'm not even sure *I* know your reasons."
 
-I was born in Saskatoon which, as a city, had gone through the usual cycles of boom and bust. In 2278, it was heading down from a boom cycle when the second great uraninite vein had been depleted. It was one of those times where everyone starts to realize that there's not going to be another that they can just drill their way towards, and by then, even the tailings had been refined as much as they could conceivably be.
+*"That is by design, Codrin."*
 
-When a city goes downhill like that, there really isn't any drastic change. It's all little things. The mine stops hiring. The trickle of new employees slows to a stop. When people move out in search of work, their houses sit empty with 'For Lease' signs for weeks, then months, then years. Your friends at school start moving away. Your class size dwindles. Stores and restaurants close.
+Ey could not place why that had bugged em so at the moment, but as it continued to snowball in eir mind over the next hour, picking up emotions as it went until it was an outsized lump tumbling around within em, ey had walked over to where the fox was blocking out stage diagrams of some sort, kissed it between the ears, and said that ey would be back soon.
 
-It's not until something big happens that makes you lift your head, look around, and realize, "Holy shit, this place is terrible." In my case, it was when one of the two Ansible clinics closed. I had long been a dreamer, but to have one of the outlets for that dream disappear was my "Holy shit" moment. My parents had been talking about the city dying, about having to drop breakfast as an option in their restaurant except on Saturdays, cut staff, all that stuff, but it had never really clicked for me what that actually meant.
+During eir previous expeditions, ey had begun placing cairns at regularly spaced intervals with rocks pointing directions where ey had split off this way or that, so as ey walked from cairn to cairn, looking for new ways to explore, ey thought about the conversation.
 
-Saskatoon was such a brown place, too. Dust storms, summer droughts, wildfire smoke turning blue skies tan six months out of the year. You grow up with that, you'd expect to be used to it, but like I said, we spent as much time in-sim as possible for lack of anything else to do, so we knew what it could be like but wasn't. No reason to play out in the streets when there are AQI advisories. No reason to go shopping when you can't afford to buy anything, and all the toys you could possibly want are online.
+"That was such a dramatic thing to say," ey said, sorting through eir reasoning aloud. "If it simply didn't want to talk about it, it would equivocate or tell me to fuck off. So why be so obviously sly about it?"
 
-I think that the Simon side of the family came with a heriditary pessimism that dogs our heels, so I suppose there may be a lot of that at work. My parents were pessimistic, so I was raised in that environment. Were others happy there? Maybe. Maybe they had taken it with them when the mine shut down. Maybe there were other places in the world with greater concentrations of happy people.
+The rocks did not reply. Ey set down another marker stone atop the cairn and walked off into the grass perpendicular from eir trail.
 
-If so, I never saw them, unless they were online.
+"If it had told me to fuck off, I would've just written that in a note back to Ioan, and we would've had our private laugh about it. If it had equivocated, it knows that I probably would have kicked it way down the priority list and likely not bugged it again. Was it something about the stories themselves?"
 
-> What is your earliest memory?
+The grass did not answer, only rustled and tugged at the hem of eir sarong.
 
-I had to give this one some thought. I was going to say that it would have to be prepping for implants. I got them the week before my first year of school started, and I remember there were two appointments leading up to the procedure. The first was more a meeting than anything. "Will he get the standard set?" "Yes." "Any health problems?" "No." "Great, we'll do a pre-op in a week."
+"It prides itself on being deliberate, and it *knows* that I know that, so why did it say that in particular? Am I supposed to ask it? Am I supposed to feel curious or chagrined or envious?"
 
-But I don't think that was quite it. Before then, I remember my dad playing with me where we would sit on the floor, legs spread out, and roll a racquetball ball back and forth between us. He laughed like a loon whenever the ball would go wide and I would have to get up and go run after it, but, on thinking back, he always made sure that those were in the minority, and that once I started to get frustrated, he'd stop and go back to just talking about animals or food or whatever.
+The wind only murmured to em.
 
-> Tell me more about Earth. We can get the facts from broadcasts and information requests, but I want to see it through your eyes and feel it through your hands.
+Ey walked out into the grass and focused on letting the litany of questions go, counting eir steps up to one hundred, where ey paused to build a new cairn out of flat clods of dirt and stones dug up from between the tussocks of grass. The sensation of the dirt gritting against eir palms, of the way it got trapped beneath eir fingernails, anchored em to a moment in time, rather than spinning off into abstract thought.
 
-There's only so many times I can call it a shithole, I guess.
+"I won't push it. Not yet," ey murmured to the pile when it had reached above the thin stalks of grass. "But that does sound like an invitation, doesn't it? *That is by design.* Like an invitation to play, or tease the reasons out of it."
 
-South of the 50th parallel or so, most everyone lives belowground and works above ground. We went on a few trips out east to visit the Hadjes and I always got a kick out of it for the first few days, running through tunnels ahead of the family, looking up at the balconies, all that sort of thing. Eventually, though, I'd grow tired of life in a linear strip, with nothing further away than a few hundred yards to focus on.
+Ey frowned and pushed emself up to standing again. "Or maybe not."
 
-Lets see, what else.
+As ey continued to walk out into the prairie, a small portion of eir mind kept an eye out for a break in the scenery, anything other than that endless, rolling sea of grass.
 
-There's two main governmental powers, loosely dividing the planet into the Northwest and Southeast hemispheres, plus a couple dozen smaller jurisdictions that will come and go every decade or so. We talked about various wars, uprisings, troubles, etc in the past, but there weren't really any when I was down there other than the occasional saber rattle. The two blocks were basically trade divisions centering on the Atlantic and Pacific. Overland trade is pretty rare and mostly automated, but still runs the risk of breakdowns, etc. Easier to do things by sea, I guess.
+The rest of eir mind, though, continued to prowl through conversations that ey had had with Dear over the last few years as the prospect of the launch became more and more real. The fox had often talked about irreversibility, about how some things that one thought of as irreversible weren't. It had talked about having a drive to leave, and how there were some decisions that came from the head and some that came from the heart, but never what drove that drive, those decisions.
 
-The ultimate cynicism of capitalism remains, though we were taught that it ebbs and flows. When I was down there, it was on its way out of a trough, where social services were being cut back, wage gaps increasing, etc etc. Rich folks lived at the poles, poor near the equator. Rich folks ate meat, poor folks ate tofu and tempeh. That sort of thing.
+"Does it feel guilt? Or regret or something?"
 
-The 'net was also starting to undergo a boom of advertising as I was leaving (as mentioned, the station still has some connectivity, but it's rarely worth interacting via sims due to the lag), perhaps to make up for the lack of offline ad venues. I remember coming home and diving in and daydreaming through half an hour of trailers and interactives and the like, then just getting into trouble wherever I could.
+Ey held onto that thought as ey walked another hundred paces to where ey would plant the next cairn. Soon enough, however many decades or centuries in the future, the prairie would be dotted with regularly spaced piles of rocks and dirt for miles spreading out from the house, and they would become as much a regular part of the landscape as the prairie itself, rather than this new thing that Codrin had introduced.
 
-I wish I could tell you more, but I either blocked out the rest or didn't pay attention in class.    
+As ey worked, digging up rocks and roots, ey tried to think of what all Dear might have to feel guilty about or regret over. Ey knew that that experience with Qoheleth had come with some regret. It had mentioned more than once while Codrin worked on the story that had come out of that experience that it wished it had pushed harder to learn more before trying to pull the whole clade together.
 
-> If you could go back anywhere in history and change any one thing, what would it be?
+But it had stopped talking about regrets once the project had been completed. It had been happy with that, and it had giggled and clapped its paws at the spike in reputation it had gained the newly-formed Bălan clade.
 
-Shit. Um...I guess in light of your last letter, I'd stop whatever made Michelle leave or quit or die or whatever happened to her? I don't think I'd want to have uploaded sooner. I'm proud of what I did for the launch. Doesn't change the fact that I'd love to have met her.
+*"See what a corrupting influence I have had on you?"* it had said.
 
-Is that weird? I'm starting to feel like it's weird.
+"I'm a ways off from having a clade listing like you, Dear." Ey had pulled up the reputation listing for Dear, and then for the entirety of the Ode clade, and they had both marveled at the numbers.
 
-> If you could go back in time and tell yourself any one thing, what would it be?
+*"Well, okay, yes. But still! The Bălan clade! How delightful!"*
 
-Of all the things that I have groused about already, I don't actually have any one thing that needs changing. I don't wish I'd uploaded sooner. I don't wish I'd left sooner. I don't have any regrets about the way I got here. Maybe go back and kick my ass and tell myself to talk to Michelle sooner? It's starting to sound like an unhealthy fixation at this point, and I'm kind of wondering if it is, to some extent.
+Was it something to do with the clade? The Odists had been around long enough --- what had Dear said? After Secession? 2130 something? Still almost two centuries --- that there was certainly enmity between the various factions, perhaps there was some regret there.
 
-> You are given three wishes, with three restrictions: they must have plausible deniability (that is, be explained by luck, natural causes, etc.; no changing people's memories!); they must provide a benefit, rather than a detriment; they must not involve singular personal benefit for you or any one individual. What are they?
+Ey sat before the cairn so that it came up to eye level, and watched the long, slow sunset begin.
 
-Throwing me the hard ones, huh? This is probably the one I spent the longest on.
+Perhaps it was regret or guilt, perhaps not. The fox had attacked the idea of leaving, of truly leaving the L<sub>5</sub> System and leaving no fork behind, with a ferocity that even Dear's partner admitted was somewhat unusual, as though it had *needed* to leave, to escape something.
 
-I'm going to assume by plausible deniability, that rules out changing anything about the past.
+And then it's story, building an ascetic cult until it had been killed by its followers. Did some of that ring true to the fox? Did it feel that it had a cult following? Did it feel as though there were some risk of being destroyed by the thing that it had built up? Did it feel like an ascetic who had taken too many liberties?
 
-First, I'd wish there to be some technological breakthrough that would make it easier to communicate with the System. Text is fine and good for those who live up in their heads, but I think that one thing that keeps a lot of people away from uploading is the mystery of what's up there. They hear that life is better, but hearing is not seeing. They hear that they'd be functionally immortal, but hearing is not proof. If we had a way of seeing what day-to-day life was like in the society, we'd feel less of a taboo of making our way there.
+"I'm overthinking this," ey mumbled.
 
-Second, I'd wish that whenever a nuke or bioweapon was launched, there'd be some plausible failure in it. A firing mechanism doesn't work. A worker comes to work hungover and snips the wrong wire during a fix. That sort of thing. I said saber rattling, and that mostly comes down to a slow, quiet arms race, and even if the chances of anything *actually* happening are very low, I have an intense paranoia of that kind of widespread death and destruction.
+All the same, eir frustration had burned itself out, and all that remained was exhaustion and worry. Ey would forever worry about Dear, seeing how brightly the fox flared, that some of the madness that it had said plagued the Odists, whether from age or from something before uploading, surely dwelt within it as well.
 
-Third, I'd wish for some sort of astronomical event that would kick interest in space down there back into gear. It's weird, because I realize that this is contrary to the first wish, since folks zooming out into space is kind of the opposite of folks uploading. Still, everyone's got their heads down. There's some threshold level of hardship that makes folks turn to survival rather than out to the stars, and I think it's higher than one would expect. A rogue asteroid? Some crazy discovery on the moon? Hell, aliens? Anything grander than keeping a job or a house or just plain staying cool.
+As the sky purpled, Codrin sighed and stood up once more, stretching and beginning the long walk home. Ey could just arrive there, but the walk felt necessary to process so many strangely-shaped thoughts.
 
-> Do you have any romantic attachments? I am assuming no by your previous message. Have you in the past? Will you in the future?
+Dear and its partner were waiting to greet em when ey returned home, each with a kiss in turn. The sun had slid fully below the endlessly distant horizon, and while ey had spent full nights out in the prairie twice during these excursions, those had been preceded by arguments (both of which had been fallout from eir newness to the concept of relationships), and since this one had not, the two had started to get concerned.
 
-This next batch of questions was irksome. They're incredibly personal, and while I vowed to try to keep an open mind and be approachable about any subject you'd ask about, I'm frustrated with how much I didn't want to answer some of these. Oh well, no growth without pain, right?
+"Dinner's ready whenever you are."
 
-No, I've never had any real attachments. I dated a few times back in school, but it was always one of those things that I did because it felt expected, rather than one I wanted to.
+Ey perked up and nodded, "Very ready. Sorry for staying out so long."
 
-It's not for lack of desire, as I think that having someone meaningful in my life would be comforting and fulfilling, but it always came second-place to work or hobbies, so I'd spend those dates thinking about a project I was working on or dreaming about the stars or the System. Relationships are frowned upon on the station. Allowed, but closely monitored, with mandatory counseling, etc. That's too much time away from the other things in my life.
+Dear shook its head. *"I was worried, but I always worry. Did you sort out whatever needed sorting out?"*
 
-Will I have one in the future? If I remain phys-side, probably not, if I'm honest. The drive will still be there, but knowing myself, I'll work myself to death before I find the time for one. If I head sys-side, maybe I'll explore it. If that gives me the chance to deal with projects on the side, whether through greater free time or forking or whatever, then I don't see why that would stop me.
+"Mm, halfway, perhaps?" Ey nodded toward the table, where the settings had been placed. Ey smelled the tang of sauerkraut, the smokiness of paprika. "Shall we?"
 
-I'm not so lonely as to be hurting for one.
+*"Thank fuck. If you had insisted on keeping us out here to talk our ears off, I would have filed a petition to have you censured."*
 
-> If yes, what do you look for in a partner?
+"Dear," its partner said. "Don't be a shit."
 
-I don't know, really. Similar interests, for sure. I'd like someone who is interested in the System as the wonder that it is, and I'm sure that those people exist even sys-side. I'd like someone who is comfortable with my general desire to focus on those interests. Not that they'd be second-seat, of course, just that I'm not going to be able to shut up about those things even at the best of times. If they share those interests, we can get all excited together.
+Codrin laughed. "No, no. It's okay. I'm doing fine. Dear's alright."
 
-I don't know that I have any real tastes in women (more my type than men, though I've known a few I could see myself spending that much time with). It's not some grand statement on, like, the inherent validity of all types of women, just that as mentioned, I spend most of my time up in my head, so that's lower on the priority list. I don't know. They ought to have a head, probably.
+*"Mx. Codrin Bălan!"* the fox growled, stamping its foot. *"I have just been called a shit, do not take this moment from me."*
 
-> If no, explain why not.
+"Alright, you little shit. Have your moment at the table."
 
-N/A
+It looked proud, bowing extravagantly and leading them into the dining room, where they dined on székely gúlyas and spätzel and chatted amiably about only the small things.
 
-> When was the last time someone said 'I love you'? How did that feel?
+Dear, having clearly waited until the food had disappeared, finally spoke in a tone that told Codrin that it had been scripting the line since ey had returned home. *"Now, will you tell us why you went for your walkabout? Was it just for alone-time, or did it have to do with where our conversation ended this morning? I have thought myself in circles about that, but want to hear your take before I burden you with mine."*
 
-Mom, the day I launched. It came with an implicit "...and I hate you for leaving me behind." I don't like talking about it, but I still hate her for that in turn. I don't do well with guilt.
+"Alright." Codrin stalled for time by pouring emself some wine, trying to decide where to begin. "I can accept that you have your reasons for leaving the System behind. I think all three of us do. I would like to know why, but at your own pace. I had a thought out there, though. When did you say Michelle uploaded?"
 
-> What are your opinions on sex?
+The fox very carefully set its wine glass down. Codrin noticed that it's paw had begun to shake. *"Did you go looking?"* it asked.
 
-It seems fine? I don't know. I don't have much (or any) experience with it. Again, it's low enough on the priority list that I just forget that it's even a thing most of the time. I imagine it feels good, of course, and I can see how it'd deepen an emotional connection. Those are good things, so it's probably a good thing, too, but I can also see it being used as an emotional weapon because of that intimacy. It seems fine.
+Ey blinked, startled at the change of its demeanor. "No. You said the 2130s, and I had no reason to doubt you. Should I have?"
 
-> Have you had sex before?
+*"No, of course not."*
 
-No. It's been offered, but in such a strange manner that the woman I was with at the time used my missing those cues as reason for leaving me. My social awareness is minimal, though, so I don't really know what she expected. I was left mostly baffled after the whole relationship. It was my last before leaving for the station, and I haven't tried dating since for previously mentioned reasons.
+Its partner had a strange look on their face, somewhere between anxiety and dread.
 
-> Will you have sex (again) before you upload?
+"Isn't that what you said?"
 
-No, see above.
+*"Yes, it was. It was. That was after the Secession, but early enough to be plausibly within the realm of 'founders' as I had said."* It cleared its throat, composed itself. *"You may add this to your histories, but I would like the chance to read over what you write before you commit it."*
 
-> Do you masturbate?
+Codrin shrugged, nodded. "If it's a story about you, I don't see a reason why not."
 
-I don't know how it works sys-side, but this is generally an insensitive thing to ask someone phys-side. I'll say yes and leave it at that.
+*"Thank you, dear. But no, I uploaded in 2117. I --- Michelle --- was one of the Council of Eight."*
 
-> Assuming you have one, where is your favorite place to be touched? Least favorite?
+Ey coughed on eir next sip of wine. "What? You were? Uh...holy shit." Ey looked to it's partner. "You knew this? I don't mean that in an accusatory way, sorry. I'm just a little shocked. More than a little."
 
-When I *was* dating, the type of physical contact I enjoyed most was having my hair played with. I assumed most others did as well, so I would often offer an equal exchange, brushing my girlfriends hair for them and letting them play with mine in turn. My favorite spot was probably at the back of my neck, which I suspect is due to some ancient inhibition against letting people touch dangerous spots on the body, so if you are intimate enough with someone to let them do that, they must be a safe person to be around.
+"Yes. I left it up to Dear to tell you. It's always been tight-lipped about that."
 
-No idea about least favorite. I guess I just don't have that much experience with being touched.
+*"It is there for anyone to look up, but most who look it up do not seem to care very much, or find it simply a curiosity."* It hesitated, then added, *"It is also particularly difficult to look up for reasons that I will not go into now."*
 
-> What is your favorite texture?
+"So you were there for Secession? For the L<sub>5</sub> launch?"
 
-Fur, I think? Grandpa Hadje on the east coast had a cat, and one of my fondest memories from those trips was when she'd fall asleep on my lap or on my chest with me petting her. One of the girls I dated long-distance (I know that this makes it sound like I dated around a lot, but I only had three relationships: two local, and that long-distance one in the middle) had a feline av, and I was always happy when we would just relax in sim together and she'd let me pet her.
+*"Not this instance, but yes. Did you read up on the lost for your publication?"* It shook its head. *"You must have, yes, I remember. Do you remember Debarre?"*
 
-> What is the greatest pain you have ever felt, physically, mentally, or emotionally?
+Codrin nodded dumbly.
 
-I was knocked off the edge of the torus by someone (I mentioned sabotage attempts before, right?), and the tether caught me around the middle and swung me up against the side of the station pretty hard. I broke an arm and a collar bone in the process. That hurt like hell, but you mentioned mental pain too, and the same applied there. Seeing the stars reeling beneath me, seeing the station leave me behind, and seeing the core of the System racing away led to a fear that made my chest and stomach hurt so hard that I retched in my suit. I'm just thankful that the guy was tackled before he could cut my tether. He was sent back planet-side to be charged.
+*"We pooled our money and uploaded together. He was also on the Council."* Dear sighed and rotated its wine glass anxiously on the tabletop. *"Michelle soon became unable to participate in the council --- you saw her before she...before she quit --- so she forked the first ten lines, dumping much of her reputation into the process, and talked the council into letting them sit in her place."*
 
-> If you could change any one thing about your body, what would it be?
+"So it became the Council of Eighteen? Er...Seventeen? I'm realizing how little I know about the Council."
 
-I'd like to be less demanding, if I'm honest. Bodies are a lot of work to upkeep. Is that the case in the System? I've heard that a lot of bodily functions are optional, but not whether opting out of them was pleasant or not. My arm still hurts sometimes when I change gravities, and that reminds me of the fear of falling away from the torus, and if I could stop my arm from doing that, that would be nice.
+*"No, no. Not at first, at least. The deal she struck with the other members of the Council was that her responsibility would be split evenly among the ten. At first, The Only Time I Know My True Name Is When I Dream was the only one to sit council, then as her responsibilities to the secession process began to grow, more of Michelle's ongoing projects were given to further first lines."*
 
------
+"You said not at first. Did she --- the Odists --- wound up with more than an equal share of responsibility?"
 
-You asked me to react to the following lines without looking them up.
+Dear nodded. *"It was slow and subtle, and, initially, unintentional. She was--"*
 
-> Since then --- 'tis Centuries --- and yet  
-> Feels shorter than the Day  
-> I first surmised the Horses' Heads  
-> Were toward Eternity ---
+"'Initially'?"
 
-This took a few readings before I was really able to understand it. It sounds like the middle of some longer work. I'm not totally sure what to make of it. Is it about immortality? I can see what it would be like to have to face down eternity, and assuming that by virtue of the horses heads pointing toward it, that one is inexorably carried into it yet never actually reaching it, you've got a sort of void you are constantly gazing into. It's terrifying and a little exhilarating.
+It sighed. *"This is the part that keeps me tight-lipped."*
 
-> I was of three minds  
-> Like a tree  
-> In which there are three blackbirds.
+Codrin nodded for it to continue.
 
-This one felt impenetrable until I realized that it might be about forking. Is it a contemporary thing? I can see that being the three minds portion, and I can see the tree as a metaphor of the same root personality, but blackbirds haven't existed in any of the places I've lived for decades, so if there's specific symbolism behind that, I'm missing it.
+*"She was the origin of a lot of projects, you must understand. She helped Ezekiel, one of the other council members, implement the idea of forking. She and Debarre helped implement the reputation market to limit that, given the technical limitations of the early System."*
 
-Birds = flight and freedom, maybe? Black = death? Or maybe eternity?  Three minds, each of which is bound up with those things? The freedom of eternity? I can see why this would appeal to one sys-side.
+"And Secession?"
 
-> She has but does not possess,  
-> acts but doesn't expect.  
-> When her work is done, she forgets it.  
-> That is why it lasts forever.
+*"Her and Jonas, yes."*
 
-I've never heard it this way, but this is from the Tao Te Ching. Of those who are not focused on doom-saying, Taoism is popular planet-side, particularly among the 'net crowd, as a lot of people use it as a way to focus on letting go of the terrible things.
+"Secession was initially the idea of one of the phys-side campaigners," its partner said. "Initially they were campaigning for individual rights, and that debate intensified when news of forking reached the outside world."
 
-This is particularly interesting in the way that the System and the LVs are designed to last forever. "When her work is done, she forgets it" makes me think that those who helped build or worked on the System wind up forgetting about it when it *becomes* their life. "Has but does not possess/acts but does not expect" took more thought, but I can see it applying to the act of uploading, maybe. All those things you had, you never really possessed, as you leave them behind. Uploading itself is terrifying, in a way, as you can never go back and no version of you keeps living on phys-side. Maybe the only way you can get over that fear is to let go of expecting the procedure to succeed/fail. You need to leave behind your expectations, too.
+*"Yes. There were some truly ugly suggestions from phys-side. Mostly on the DDR. Did that still exist when you uploaded?"*
 
-> Flown to space by what callous earth destroyed,  
-> I chase the long-flying radio waves,  
-> and sift to find again your breathing voice  
-> Far away from grief and a potter's grave.
+Codrin shook eir head. "At least, I don't know the acronym."
 
-Does this have to do with the launch? It certainly feels like! It feels like how even now my mind is chasing those radio waves that are coming from the LVs, now so far out of reach for any one of us that we can barely comprehend. But still, we keep on searching for those voices that come back to us ever slower. Did someone on the LVs leave you behind? Someone you love? Family? One of your forks? Basically, someone whose voice you keep on searching for. Or maybe they were one of the eight irretrievably lost personalities?
+*"It stood for Direct Democracy Representative. It was a silly idea to allow for members of the public to have direct debates and to vote on referenda."* Dear's expression soured. *"A terrible idea, I should say. It is what lead to the lost debacle, and we learned nothing from it. It was still heavily used during Secession, and the debates surrounding individual rights on the DDR were heated. Some wanted to treat it --- the System, that is --- as essentially an employer, having those who uploaded be treated as employees who must work to earn their place. This, I think, stemmed from the fact that many who uploaded were middle or upper middle class. The wealthy remained, preferring to keep their wealth, and the lower classes could not afford it.*
 
-"Far away from grief and a potter's grave" makes a lot of sense to me as someone who left Earth behind. I don't know what it was like when you uploaded, but I can see it as a way to dream of some place better.
+*"Some who uploaded agreed, at least after a fashion. They suspected that they would be brains-in-a-jar who would be able to devote themselves entirely to their science or art. Those phys-side wished to use uploads to drive factories or fly planes or what have you. Menial labor. Capitalism is ever the opportunist, and we were seen as tools, as was any employee."*
 
-> Time is a finger pointing at itself  
-> that it might give the world orders.  
-> The world is an audience before a stage  
-> where it watches the slow hours progress.  
-> And we are the motes in the stage-lights,  
-> Beholden to the heat of the lamps.
+"That sounds disgusting." Ey thought a moment, then shook eir head. "Or impossible."
 
-You never answered me about your name. This is another one of those snippets from the work you sent earlier, isn't it? It has the same feel as your name, so I can't help but wonder if that is related to you in some way.
+"Capitalism was never one to let impossibility stand in its way," Dear's partner laughed.
 
-There is something feverish about these words that I don't quite understand. I don't know what they mean, can't even begin to give you an interpretation, other than it makes it sound like that feeling of insignificance that comes with looking at the stars and being buffeted about by forces we can't understand.
+*"Yes, well, there were at least still those phys-side who wished to help. Dreamers to the last."* It smiled fondly, lifting its glass to swirl the wine within. *"Many of them uploaded. You have doubtless talked to a few without knowing. I don't know if Yared --- he was our biggest champion --- decided on joining the Launch. Perhaps he did. If he did not, I will nudge Ioan to him if May Then My Name does not do so first. If he did, you may yet meet him."*
 
-I'm trying to hold back on replying to you in the same emotionally inundated state that I ended my last letter, so I'll just say that this left me feeling things that I can't even name. Loneliness? Insignificance? I don't know, even those don't feel right. Can you send me the whole work? I'll block out some time to cry over it or something.
+"Dear," Codrin began, softening eir tone. "You don't have to answer this, but do you have regrets about this period in your life?"
 
------
+This time, the exaggerated care when setting down its glass was missing, as it nearly slammed it on the table. *"I will not answer that."*
 
-Thank you as always, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.
+"Dear," its partner murmured.
 
-Douglas Hadje, MSf, PhD  
-Launch director
+It was nearly a minute before it mastered its anger. *"No, I will not answer. Not now, at least."*
 
-Digital signatures:
+"Sorry, Dear."
 
-* Douglas Hadje
-* Launch commission:
-    * de
-    * Jonathan Finnes
-    * Thomas Nash
-    * Woo Hye-won
-    * Hasnaa
+*"It is not on you, my dear. I am...ashamed. Many of the first lines...well, no. I will not elaborate now."* It grinned wickedly at Codrin. *"You will doubtless tease it out of me, bit by bit, you tenacious fuck."*
 
+Ey relaxed, nodding. "You know me well."
+
+*"I do, at that."*
+
+They sat in silence, drinking their wine.
+
+*"I am ashamed."* Dear said, voice far off, distant. *"Yes. I am ashamed."*
+
+Codrin let the rest of the evening drift into quiet. Dear remained thoughtful, even as the three of them decided on bed, but it didn't seem time for prodding. It was simply time for being. For enjoying each other's company.
+
+The questions would wait. It was time to just be.