Bumpnumbers

content/read/017.md

@@ -1,229 +1,243 @@
-# Ioan Bălan --- 2325
+# Douglas Hadje --- 2325
 
-May Then My Name Die With Me sat across from Ioan at their dining table, looking somewhat diminished.
+May Then My Name,
 
-"Are you comfortable with this?" Ioan asked.
+Thank you for writing back. I was not expecting to get so emotional from your questions. They struck a nerve, and I'm still not sure why. I sent my answers and then went to lay down and do exactly as I said: curl up and cry.
 
-"This feels unusually formal."
+Then I sobered up, such as it were, and immediately regretted it. I feel like I was too emotional, too caught up in the moment. Too personal, maybe? You and I have had a very professional relationship, and I *am* grateful for that, because we did just launch two interstellar probes full of a few billion souls. I feel like my answers were maybe too familiar.
 
-"Yes, well, I'd like to be able to see your expressions." Ey grinned. "Also, it's easier to write when I don't have a skunk hanging onto my arm."
+Your reply put much of that anxiety to rest, for which I am also grateful. I will answer your next batch of questions momentarily, but I want to address some points from your letter leading up to those, first.
 
-She rolled her eyes, sighing dramatically. "I suppose. Ask away then, O archivist."
+> Of course I will write back! I have no intention of stopping. Ioan and I will continue to bombard you with questions until either you tell us to stop or we come out with our history and mythography --- and even then, do not count on it. Also, please feel free to ask us your own questions. Not only will we enjoy answering them, but they will continue to help us build our picture of you which will help us put your answers in context.
 
-"I'm not--"
+Oh, don't worry! I will have plenty of questions for you. If I'm going to upload in the future, I'd also like to know more about how things are sys-side. I mostly only contact you (and I guess Ioan through you? Hi Ioan!) so it all sounds very surreal.
 
-"I know, I know. Not an archivist. Grant me this whimsy."
+> I do remember the name Michelle Hadje. She was one the founders as you mention, but more, she was the source of (or at least involved with) many of the ideas that drive the System to this day. She helped with consensual sensoria, for instance, as well as the reputation market that we use in lieu of currency in order to regulate forking in the early days. Unfortunately, Michelle herself does not remain in the System as of a bit under twenty years ago, so I will not be able to put you in touch with her, and should you choose to upload in the future, you will not be able to meet her face to face. I am sorry for your loss.
 
-"Alright." Ey tested the nib of eir pen on the corner of the page and then began to jot in eir comfortable shorthand. "Uncomfortable question first. When did you upload?"
+Thank you so much for letting me know. I'm saddened by this, but strangely calm as well. That I will never get to meet her comes with grief, but that I now at least know something of her (even if it's of her end), a portion of my curiosity has been sated.
 
-May frowned down to the table, drawing lazy Lissajous curves on its surface. "I would have gone for the shit-sandwich approach. Do you promise to ask lighter questions after?"
+I say a portion, though; did you ever meet her? You say she was formative for a lot of the System's tech; does everyone know that about her? Is she famous? If you did know her, what was she like? You say that Ioan's a historian, perhaps ey knows?
 
-Ioan laughed, nodded.
+I know her end, but I remain hungry for any information that you can give on her life.
 
-"Alright. Michelle uploaded in 2117. I know that Dear mentioned to you that she uploaded in the 2130s after Secession. This is a small lie it told to downplay our role in helping the System become what it is today. Michelle uploaded, burned through what energy she had on early projects, and then forked to let her clade take her place, opting for an early retirement, herself."
+> You mention having little to do. Do you know when you might upload? Failing that, might you ask the Launch commission if you can add real-time communication with us to your list of duties? It would be convenient to have someone on the station to talk to so that we are not limited by the transmission time planet-side.
 
-"Do you mean her work on sensoria?"
+I asked, and they said yes. Though again, they were largely baffled by the request. They have suggested that I keep communication as the last priority on my list of duties, which, sure. I'll send a message when I'm able to talk, if you're amenable. Will they wake you if you're asleep? (Do you sleep? I realize I don't even know.)
 
-"That, and several other projects."
+> You say that you consider your body a 'tool and vehicle to get you from place to place'. I would like you to know that, upon reading that I ran to show Ioan your response and laugh in eir face for being almost exactly like you in this respect.
 
-"Such as?"
+I am not sure whether to thank you or be offended, but since Ioan sounds very interesting, I'll go with the former. Everything is so much bigger than I am, I sometimes wonder why I ought to worry about my body at all. Perhaps this is an artifact of an unpleasant upbringing and a long series of very intellectual jobs, and perhaps it's just foreshadowing me uploading.
 
-"You will doubtless learn, Ioan, but not from me. It is not my story to tell."
+Ioan, if you're reading this, maybe you can explain this to May Then My Name, if you haven't already!
 
-Ey lifted eir pen from the page. "Can you tell me why? I can leave it out of the notes if you'd like."
+-----
 
-"You may include this. I have distanced myself from much of that time out of shame. You know as well as I do that I cannot forget it, but I can at least think about it as little as possible." She smiled, abashed, then the smile grew sly. "I will not tell you who to ask about it, either. I have confidence that you will find out on your own, and I am curious to see how quickly."
+Before I get to answering questions, here are a list of mine not already included above:
 
-Ey laughed. "Alright, if you won't talk about that, that's okay. It's enough that you mention it; I'll keep my eye out."
+* What does your day-to-day life look like?
+* What did you do before uploading?
+* Where were you before uploading? If it's not insensitive to ask, do you have an accent while speaking? I've noticed a few habits you have when writing, so it got me thinking English might not be your first language.
+* I sort of asked in my previous email, but I worry that I overstepped my bounds by asking when you uploaded. Is that a sensitive topic?
+* Where does your name come from? Does it come from that snippet you sent to me?
+* On that note, do forks generally keep the same name (you mentioned three copies of Ioan, for instance), or is it common to change names for different forks?
+* In the status reports you sent for the launches, you mention dispersionistas, trackers, and taskers, and in the final one, you mention that investing fully in the launch was a danger for taskers. By this, and from some surface-level research, I infer that these describe habits of forking. I'd like to hear your take on it, though. What habit do you have? Is this something people even talk about? Argue or fight about? Is it insensitive for me to ask? If so, apologies!
 
-She reached out and took eir off-hand in her own, brushing thumbpad over eir knuckles. "Thank you, dear. Do you have a more pleasant question for me to answer?"
+These questions are for Ioan, if ey's up for answering them:
 
-"Of course. Why did you stay behind."
+* What does being a historian on the System look like? I keep imagining that you live in a sort of repository of all knowledge anyway and can just look up whatever you want. Is that true?
+* What are some things that you enjoy researching/writing about? 
+* Is there a university up there where people study? What other occupations are there?
+* Were you a historian before you uploaded?
+* I asked May Then My Name above; if you're comfortable answering, what habit of forking do you have?
 
-At this, the skunk brightened considerably. "This is what I was expecting. I have a response prepared and everything."
+-----
 
-"Dear always mentioned that it scripted its conversations, as well. Is that an Odist thing?"
+And now, for the answers to your questions.
 
-"Perhaps! I do not doubt it, from that fox. It is always so dramatic." She retrieved her paw to fold it with the other before her. "Right. I remained behind because it tickled me to do so. Could I have invested in the Launch? Of course. However, it occurred to me early on, soon after you and I agreed to work on this project together, that acting as a fulcrum between the two LVs would not just keep my instance from infecting the responses that I received, but would allow me to play them against each other.
+> If you are willing, tell me more about your childhood (where you were born, what your parents were like, what your schooling was like, etc).
 
-"Besides," she said, stabbing her pinky toward em. "There is no Ioan on the Launches, and I am busy wrapping you around my little finger."
+As mentioned before, Earth was a shithole, so while I'm happy to talk about it, don't expect me to be kind or friendly about it.
 
-Ey laughed. "Well, keep up the good work, then."
+I was born in Saskatoon which, as a city, had gone through the usual cycles of boom and bust. In 2278, it was heading down from a boom cycle when the second great uraninite vein had been depleted. It was one of those times where everyone starts to realize that there's not going to be another that they can just drill their way towards, and by then, even the tailings had been refined as much as they could conceivably be.
 
-"I could just as easily turn this question around on you, Mx. Ioan Bălan. Why did you not invest yourself in the Launch? We do not yet know Codrin's reasons, but why remain, yourself?"
+When a city goes downhill like that, there really isn't any drastic change. It's all little things. The mine stops hiring. The trickle of new employees slows to a stop. When people move out in search of work, their houses sit empty with 'For Lease' signs for weeks, then months, then years. Your friends at school start moving away. Your class size dwindles. Stores and restaurants close.
 
-"I'm not sure, honestly. I think what you say about not influencing the responses that we get fits me, too. I don't want Ioan's thoughts, I want those of the LVs unfiltered through my transmissions."
+It's not until something big happens that makes you lift your head, look around, and realize, "Holy shit, this place is terrible." In my case, it was when one of the two Ansible clinics closed. I had long been a dreamer, but to have one of the outlets for that dream disappear was my "Holy shit" moment. My parents had been talking about the city dying, about having to drop breakfast as an option in their restaurant except on Saturdays, cut staff, all that stuff, but it had never really clicked for me what that actually meant.
 
-"But Codrin--"
+Saskatoon was such a brown place, too. Dust storms, summer droughts, wildfire smoke turning blue skies tan six months out of the year. You grow up with that, you'd expect to be used to it, but like I said, we spent as much time in-sim as possible for lack of anything else to do, so we knew what it could be like but wasn't. No reason to play out in the streets when there are AQI advisories. No reason to go shopping when you can't afford to buy anything, and all the toys you could possibly want are online.
 
-"Has diverged significantly in the last two decades. I have no concerns about contamination. Ey is not me any longer."
+I think that the Simon side of the family came with a heriditary pessimism that dogs our heels, so I suppose there may be a lot of that at work. My parents were pessimistic, so I was raised in that environment. Were others happy there? Maybe. Maybe they had taken it with them when the mine shut down. Maybe there were other places in the world with greater concentrations of happy people.
 
-She nodded approvingly. "Good. There may be hope for you yet."
+If so, I never saw them, unless they were online.
 
-"Wrapping me around your little finger, indeed." Ey finished eir current line of scratchy notes. "You say that it tickled you to remain behind. Can you talk more about that?"
+> What is your earliest memory?
 
-"Of course. Many of the clade --- many of the liberal side, at least --- enjoy using our functional immortality as a plaything. If we are to live forever, then, it is worthwhile to find as many things to keep it interesting as we can along the way. It is interesting to me that I have acted in a very intentional way such that I will not get to experience our three societies begin to diverge that directly. There is no going back to change that, because there is no going and there is no back. It is already fun to see the differences between Castor and Pollux through the eyes of both Codrins, and to realize that the L<sub>5</sub> System contains neither, and then realize in a flash of insight that there is no May Then My Name Die With Me to witness directly. Do you experience the same?"
+I had to give this one some thought. I was going to say that it would have to be prepping for implants. I got them the week before my first year of school started, and I remember there were two appointments leading up to the procedure. The first was more a meeting than anything. "Will he get the standard set?" "Yes." "Any health problems?" "No." "Great, we'll do a pre-op in a week."
 
-"Maybe a little bit," Ioan hedged. "But if what you tell me is true, I'm not nearly old enough yet to be so concerned in finding fun in the little nooks and crannies of experience."
+But I don't think that was quite it. Before then, I remember my dad playing with me where we would sit on the floor, legs spread out, and roll a racquetball ball back and forth between us. He laughed like a loon whenever the ball would go wide and I would have to get up and go run after it, but, on thinking back, he always made sure that those were in the minority, and that once I started to get frustrated, he'd stop and go back to just talking about animals or food or whatever.
 
-"You are no fun," she whined. "But I see your point. You also do not have the decades of split mind from before the beginning of the clade. You do not have the strange avenues of thought that preceded our creation. The Ioan of the 2230s or whenever it was that you uploaded had a baseline sanity that Michelle lacked."
+> Tell me more about Earth. We can get the facts from broadcasts and information requests, but I want to see it through your eyes and feel it through your hands.
 
-"You don't seem insane."
+There's only so many times I can call it a shithole, I guess.
 
-She forked a version of herself atop the table lacking all human attributes that hissed at Ioan with foaming mouth. Ey startled back, and she laughed as the creature quit. "Do I not?"
+South of the 50th parallel or so, most everyone lives belowground and works above ground. We went on a few trips out east to visit the Hadjes and I always got a kick out of it for the first few days, running through tunnels ahead of the family, looking up at the balconies, all that sort of thing. Eventually, though, I'd grow tired of life in a linear strip, with nothing further away than a few hundred yards to focus on.
 
-Ey shook eir head. "Weird, perhaps, but your thoughts and actions are consistent with each other. You're an internally consistent individual."
+Lets see, what else.
 
-"Yes, well, Michelle was not. She was a being of irreconcilable contradictions, and we are lucky that she did not pass that on to us when we came into existence."
+There's two main governmental powers, loosely dividing the planet into the Northwest and Southeast hemispheres, plus a couple dozen smaller jurisdictions that will come and go every decade or so. We talked about various wars, uprisings, troubles, etc in the past, but there weren't really any when I was down there other than the occasional saber rattle. The two blocks were basically trade divisions centering on the Atlantic and Pacific. Overland trade is pretty rare and mostly automated, but still runs the risk of breakdowns, etc. Easier to do things by sea, I guess.
 
-"If she hadn't quit as she did, do you think that she would've remained on the System, invested entirely in the launches, or split between the two?"
+The ultimate cynicism of capitalism remains, though we were taught that it ebbs and flows. When I was down there, it was on its way out of a trough, where social services were being cut back, wage gaps increasing, etc etc. Rich folks lived at the poles, poor near the equator. Rich folks ate meat, poor folks ate tofu and tempeh. That sort of thing.
 
-May's features fell and she averted her eyes. "She could not do but what she did. You were not there at the end."
+The 'net was also starting to undergo a boom of advertising as I was leaving (as mentioned, the station still has some connectivity, but it's rarely worth interacting via sims due to the lag), perhaps to make up for the lack of offline ad venues. I remember coming home and diving in and daydreaming through half an hour of trailers and interactives and the like, then just getting into trouble wherever I could.
 
-"Feel free to not answer, but can you tell me about that?"
+I wish I could tell you more, but I either blocked out the rest or didn't pay attention in class.    
 
-"I will only say that she was ready, that, whether or not she had been planning that day from the very beginning, that was precisely the time that she was meant to die."
+> If you could go back anywhere in history and change any one thing, what would it be?
 
-"'Die'? Not quit?"
+Shit. Um...I guess in light of your last letter, I'd stop whatever made Michelle leave or quit or die or whatever happened to her? I don't think I'd want to have uploaded sooner. I'm proud of what I did for the launch. Doesn't change the fact that I'd love to have met her.
 
-"In her mind, I think that it was death, yes. She quoted her --- our --- favorite line of poetry at us, and the death thoughts proceeded apace. We are no longer branches of a unified whole, but trees of our own." There was a long pause before she added, "I think that had been true perhaps from shortly after Secession, and that she was already dead, in her own way. Reality just caught up with her."
+Is that weird? I'm starting to feel like it's weird.
 
-Ey nodded. Something in the skunk's expression told em that the topic was closed, that while she might answer another question, she would resent it. Instead, ey let a moment of quiet fall between them, a silent acknowledgement of that ending.
+> If you could go back in time and tell yourself any one thing, what would it be?
 
-"You have another question. I can see it on your face."
+Of all the things that I have groused about already, I don't actually have any one thing that needs changing. I don't wish I'd uploaded sooner. I don't wish I'd left sooner. I don't have any regrets about the way I got here. Maybe go back and kick my ass and tell myself to talk to Michelle sooner? It's starting to sound like an unhealthy fixation at this point, and I'm kind of wondering if it is, to some extent.
 
-"Perceptive, as always. Whenever you talk with Douglas, your cousin however many times removed, you always evade his questions about your name, and have yet to tell him about your origins, though I know that that would mean a lot to him. Why?"
+> You are given three wishes, with three restrictions: they must have plausible deniability (that is, be explained by luck, natural causes, etc.; no changing people's memories!); they must provide a benefit, rather than a detriment; they must not involve singular personal benefit for you or any one individual. What are they?
 
-Her laugh was musical and expression almost giddy. "We already talked about having fun, dear."
+Throwing me the hard ones, huh? This is probably the one I spent the longest on.
 
-"Well, yes, but that was fun involving yourself. What's the origin of this fun involving someone else?"
+I'm going to assume by plausible deniability, that rules out changing anything about the past.
 
-"I have fun with you, you know that."
+First, I'd wish there to be some technological breakthrough that would make it easier to communicate with the System. Text is fine and good for those who live up in their heads, but I think that one thing that keeps a lot of people away from uploading is the mystery of what's up there. They hear that life is better, but hearing is not seeing. They hear that they'd be functionally immortal, but hearing is not proof. If we had a way of seeing what day-to-day life was like in the society, we'd feel less of a taboo of making our way there.
 
-Ioan smirked, but waited for her to continue.
+Second, I'd wish that whenever a nuke or bioweapon was launched, there'd be some plausible failure in it. A firing mechanism doesn't work. A worker comes to work hungover and snips the wrong wire during a fix. That sort of thing. I said saber rattling, and that mostly comes down to a slow, quiet arms race, and even if the chances of anything *actually* happening are very low, I have an intense paranoia of that kind of widespread death and destruction.
 
-"Alright, have it your way. First of all, I am not Michelle, though I am of her. All the same, I am doing my best to build up the suspense with him. I know that it would mean a lot for him if I were to simply drop the bomb on him now --- though I realize, having said that, that that is perhaps a poor choice of words, given his admitted fear. But how much more an impact it will have if I build it up like this! I cannot wait to see what emotions play across his face."
+Third, I'd wish for some sort of astronomical event that would kick interest in space down there back into gear. It's weird, because I realize that this is contrary to the first wish, since folks zooming out into space is kind of the opposite of folks uploading. Still, everyone's got their heads down. There's some threshold level of hardship that makes folks turn to survival rather than out to the stars, and I think it's higher than one would expect. A rogue asteroid? Some crazy discovery on the moon? Hell, aliens? Anything grander than keeping a job or a house or just plain staying cool.
 
-"'See'? You intend to wait until he uploads?"
+> Do you have any romantic attachments? I am assuming no by your previous message. Have you in the past? Will you in the future?
 
-"And why should I not? I know that he will."
+This next batch of questions was irksome. They're incredibly personal, and while I vowed to try to keep an open mind and be approachable about any subject you'd ask about, I'm frustrated with how much I didn't want to answer some of these. Oh well, no growth without pain, right?
 
-"He always talks about it as a potential thing, though."
+No, I've never had any real attachments. I dated a few times back in school, but it was always one of those things that I did because it felt expected, rather than one I wanted to.
 
-She grinned and shook her head. "He will. He has already made up his mind, he just does not realize it yet."
+It's not for lack of desire, as I think that having someone meaningful in my life would be comforting and fulfilling, but it always came second-place to work or hobbies, so I'd spend those dates thinking about a project I was working on or dreaming about the stars or the System. Relationships are frowned upon on the station. Allowed, but closely monitored, with mandatory counseling, etc. That's too much time away from the other things in my life.
 
-"How will you tell him, then?"
+Will I have one in the future? If I remain phys-side, probably not, if I'm honest. The drive will still be there, but knowing myself, I'll work myself to death before I find the time for one. If I head sys-side, maybe I'll explore it. If that gives me the chance to deal with projects on the side, whether through greater free time or forking or whatever, then I don't see why that would stop me.
 
-"I will continue to drop hints for another few months, and when he does --- I think he will do it within the year --- I will bring him home. There, we will talk, and you will observe as, over the course of a few minutes, I reveal the truth."
+I'm not so lonely as to be hurting for one.
 
-Ioan straightened up. "Me?"
+> If yes, what do you look for in a partner?
 
-"Of course. Can you think of a better myth? Can you think of a better story in history than of the man who brought the launches to fruition learning that he is talking to an instance of the very woman who helped bring Secession to fruition, the one who he has desired above all things to meet, who he thinks dead?"
+I don't know, really. Similar interests, for sure. I'd like someone who is interested in the System as the wonder that it is, and I'm sure that those people exist even sys-side. I'd like someone who is comfortable with my general desire to focus on those interests. Not that they'd be second-seat, of course, just that I'm not going to be able to shut up about those things even at the best of times. If they share those interests, we can get all excited together.
 
-"A little grandiose, don't you think?"
+I don't know that I have any real tastes in women (more my type than men, though I've known a few I could see myself spending that much time with). It's not some grand statement on, like, the inherent validity of all types of women, just that as mentioned, I spend most of my time up in my head, so that's lower on the priority list. I don't know. They ought to have a head, probably.
 
-She stuck her tongue out at em, a strangely cute gesture on her features. "Is that not a requirement of myths? A myth that is not grandiose is just a story."
+> If no, explain why not.
 
-"You Odists do seem prone to grand gestures."
+N/A
 
-May preened.
+> When was the last time someone said 'I love you'? How did that feel?
 
-Ioan set down eir pen and folded eir hands on the table. "Tell me a story, then."
+Mom, the day I launched. It came with an implicit "...and I hate you for leaving me behind." I don't like talking about it, but I still hate her for that in turn. I don't do well with guilt.
 
-"One for the history? One for you?"
+> What are your opinions on sex?
 
-Ey shrugged.
+It seems fine? I don't know. I don't have much (or any) experience with it. Again, it's low enough on the priority list that I just forget that it's even a thing most of the time. I imagine it feels good, of course, and I can see how it'd deepen an emotional connection. Those are good things, so it's probably a good thing, too, but I can also see it being used as an emotional weapon because of that intimacy. It seems fine.
 
-She thought for a moment, once more drawing designs on the table with a claw.
+> Have you had sex before?
 
-"Alright," she said, standing up. "Come with me, my dear."
+No. It's been offered, but in such a strange manner that the woman I was with at the time used my missing those cues as reason for leaving me. My social awareness is minimal, though, so I don't really know what she expected. I was left mostly baffled after the whole relationship. It was my last before leaving for the station, and I haven't tried dating since for previously mentioned reasons.
 
-Ioan stood to follow her as she padded from the common room to the balcony, then down the steps from there to the yard, a rectangle of grass hemmed in by a moat of mulch, a fence of lilac bushes making up the border. They were technically the end of eir sim, though between the leaves and trunks of the bushes, one would occasionally catch a glimpse of another yard, another house, a street beyond.
+> Will you have sex (again) before you upload?
 
-"Look," she said.
+No, see above.
 
-Ey looked at the yard, at the lilacs, even the patio and the sky.
+> Do you masturbate?
 
-"What do you see?"
+I don't know how it works sys-side, but this is generally an insensitive thing to ask someone phys-side. I'll say yes and leave it at that.
 
-"My yard. What am I supposed to see?"
+> Assuming you have one, where is your favorite place to be touched? Least favorite?
 
-"Look at the grass. What do you see?"
+When I *was* dating, the type of physical contact I enjoyed most was having my hair played with. I assumed most others did as well, so I would often offer an equal exchange, brushing my girlfriends hair for them and letting them play with mine in turn. My favorite spot was probably at the back of my neck, which I suspect is due to some ancient inhibition against letting people touch dangerous spots on the body, so if you are intimate enough with someone to let them do that, they must be a safe person to be around.
 
-Ey focused on the green carpet of grass, then frowned as ey began to notice the two or three yellow flowers spotting the yard just barely visible. They sat only a few millimeters below the tops of the trimmed grass. "What are those?"
+No idea about least favorite. I guess I just don't have that much experience with being touched.
 
-The skunk grinned at em toothily.
+> What is your favorite texture?
 
-"May, what did you do?"
+Fur, I think? Grandpa Hadje on the east coast had a cat, and one of my fondest memories from those trips was when she'd fall asleep on my lap or on my chest with me petting her. One of the girls I dated long-distance (I know that this makes it sound like I dated around a lot, but I only had three relationships: two local, and that long-distance one in the middle) had a feline av, and I was always happy when we would just relax in sim together and she'd let me pet her.
 
-"I talked you into a small addition. That is what I did."
+> What is the greatest pain you have ever felt, physically, mentally, or emotionally?
 
-Ey knit eir brow. "Talked me into...how do you mean?"
+I was knocked off the edge of the torus by someone (I mentioned sabotage attempts before, right?), and the tether caught me around the middle and swung me up against the side of the station pretty hard. I broke an arm and a collar bone in the process. That hurt like hell, but you mentioned mental pain too, and the same applied there. Seeing the stars reeling beneath me, seeing the station leave me behind, and seeing the core of the System racing away led to a fear that made my chest and stomach hurt so hard that I retched in my suit. I'm just thankful that the guy was tackled before he could cut my tether. He was sent back planet-side to be charged.
 
-"Do not worry, Ioan, you are the only one who has ACLs over your property. I do not. I just made a few suggestions, mostly when you were asleep --- or at least very sleepy --- or head-in-the-clouds at work."
+> If you could change any one thing about your body, what would it be?
 
-"You're saying I made these?" ey asked, stepping out into the grass and bending down to inspect the flower, yellow, a myriad of petals, grand-toothed leaves radiating from the base.
+I'd like to be less demanding, if I'm honest. Bodies are a lot of work to upkeep. Is that the case in the System? I've heard that a lot of bodily functions are optional, but not whether opting out of them was pleasant or not. My arm still hurts sometimes when I change gravities, and that reminds me of the fear of falling away from the torus, and if I could stop my arm from doing that, that would be nice.
 
-"I am saying that *we* made these." She bent down beside em and plucked the flower from near the ground, lifting it with a dream-clouded smile. "I am saying that you trust me --- *really* trust me --- and that life in the System is more subtle than I think you know. You trust me. You let me into your life as a coworker, then cohabitant and cosleeper. You let me into your dreams, my dear, and your dreams influence this place as much as, if not more than, your waking mind."
+-----
 
-That waking mind was now whirling with the ramifications of what she was saying. "I did this on your suggestion?"
+You asked me to react to the following lines without looking them up.
 
-She shook her head. "If you would like to think of it that way, yes, but I would prefer to say that we did this."
+> Since then --- 'tis Centuries --- and yet  
+> Feels shorter than the Day  
+> I first surmised the Horses' Heads  
+> Were toward Eternity ---
 
-"Is this your story?"
+This took a few readings before I was really able to understand it. It sounds like the middle of some longer work. I'm not totally sure what to make of it. Is it about immortality? I can see what it would be like to have to face down eternity, and assuming that by virtue of the horses heads pointing toward it, that one is inexorably carried into it yet never actually reaching it, you've got a sort of void you are constantly gazing into. It's terrifying and a little exhilarating.
 
-"No. Sit down by me."
+> I was of three minds  
+> Like a tree  
+> In which there are three blackbirds.
 
-They both shifted to a cross-legged position before this brand new plant in the yard, both looking at the yellow flower May turned this way and that in her paw.
+This one felt impenetrable until I realized that it might be about forking. Is it a contemporary thing? I can see that being the three minds portion, and I can see the tree as a metaphor of the same root personality, but blackbirds haven't existed in any of the places I've lived for decades, so if there's specific symbolism behind that, I'm missing it.
 
-"This is a dandelion. It--"
+Birds = flight and freedom, maybe? Black = death? Or maybe eternity?  Three minds, each of which is bound up with those things? The freedom of eternity? I can see why this would appeal to one sys-side.
 
-A memory clicked into place for Ioan and ey laughed. "Oh! Of course! I've been here too long, haven't I? Here in the System, here in the house with its perfect yard. Almost ninety years now, I think. They were all over back phys-side, though."
+> She has but does not possess,  
+> acts but doesn't expect.  
+> When her work is done, she forgets it.  
+> That is why it lasts forever.
 
-May nodded and beckoned for em to continue.
+I've never heard it this way, but this is from the Tao Te Ching. Of those who are not focused on doom-saying, Taoism is popular planet-side, particularly among the 'net crowd, as a lot of people use it as a way to focus on letting go of the terrible things.
 
-"We didn't have a yard where I grew up. Just an apartment block facing the street, a strip of weeds between the building and sidewalk, and then between the sidewalk and road. At one time, I think that strip had contained grass and trees, but now it just contained a narrow path full of thistles and dandelions.
+This is particularly interesting in the way that the System and the LVs are designed to last forever. "When her work is done, she forgets it" makes me think that those who helped build or worked on the System wind up forgetting about it when it *becomes* their life. "Has but does not possess/acts but does not expect" took more thought, but I can see it applying to the act of uploading, maybe. All those things you had, you never really possessed, as you leave them behind. Uploading itself is terrifying, in a way, as you can never go back and no version of you keeps living on phys-side. Maybe the only way you can get over that fear is to let go of expecting the procedure to succeed/fail. You need to leave behind your expectations, too.
 
-"I only ever saw lawns in movies or on the net. The world wasn't as bad back then as Douglas makes it sound now, but still, we weren't wealthy, and it was hard enough to ensure a steady supply of clean water for the residents, never mind grass like this. We were certainly not wealthy enough for that." Ey laughed. "Well, we were dirt poor, actually. Most of the weeds were green, leafy things with fuzzy green flowers that would turn into bundles of seeds, or spiky thistles with purple bulbs of flowers, but there were a few dandelions scattered about."
+> Flown to space by what callous earth destroyed,  
+> I chase the long-flying radio waves,  
+> and sift to find again your breathing voice  
+> Far away from grief and a potter's grave.
 
-"No lilacs?"
+Does this have to do with the launch? It certainly feels like! It feels like how even now my mind is chasing those radio waves that are coming from the LVs, now so far out of reach for any one of us that we can barely comprehend. But still, we keep on searching for those voices that come back to us ever slower. Did someone on the LVs leave you behind? Someone you love? Family? One of your forks? Basically, someone whose voice you keep on searching for. Or maybe they were one of the eight irretrievably lost personalities?
 
-"More stuff from media. I remember wishing I could grow some indoors because I thought they were small enough to be houseplants until I was corrected. I have no idea if these are accurate, but I remember loving the smell."
+"Far away from grief and a potter's grave" makes a lot of sense to me as someone who left Earth behind. I don't know what it was like when you uploaded, but I can see it as a way to dream of some place better.
 
-"They are spot on, Ioan."
+> Time is a finger pointing at itself  
+> that it might give the world orders.  
+> The world is an audience before a stage  
+> where it watches the slow hours progress.  
+> And we are the motes in the stage-lights,  
+> Beholden to the heat of the lamps.
 
-Ey smiled.
+You never answered me about your name. This is another one of those snippets from the work you sent earlier, isn't it? It has the same feel as your name, so I can't help but wonder if that is related to you in some way.
 
-"So you uploaded and made your sim like this?"
+There is something feverish about these words that I don't quite understand. I don't know what they mean, can't even begin to give you an interpretation, other than it makes it sound like that feeling of insignificance that comes with looking at the stars and being buffeted about by forces we can't understand.
 
-"Yeah. Sort of. It was inspired by some sim I frequented on the 'net, something a friend built. I found something close to it on the market, and when I had reputation enough, I dug the sim and grabbed that template, then spent a year rebuilding it as best I could remember. No dandelions."
+I'm trying to hold back on replying to you in the same emotionally inundated state that I ended my last letter, so I'll just say that this left me feeling things that I can't even name. Loneliness? Insignificance? I don't know, even those don't feel right. Can you send me the whole work? I'll block out some time to cry over it or something.
 
-She laughed, bumping her shoulder against eirs. "Of course. They are a weed, yes. Or often thought of as one. The leaves make a good salad, though, and I was told that you could dry, roast, and grind the roots to make a coffee substitute."
+-----
 
-Ioan made a face. "I'd rather coffee."
+Thank you as always, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.
 
-"I have no idea if the substitute was any good, but I like coffee, too." She held the flower up to her snout and smelled long at it. "Me, though, I like the flowers. They are too complicated for their own good in this stage, are they not? Sure, they close up and then become the puffballs that spread them further and further, but here, they are almost platters of yellow."
+Douglas Hadje, MSf, PhD  
+Launch director
 
-Ey grinned as she held the flower in both paws like a tray carrying food.
+Digital signatures:
 
-"But that is not what I like about them. I am telling you, now that you are awake, the things that I whispered to you to bring about this story. The things I suggested, as you put it. What I love is their scent." She held it up for em to sniff. "They smell like muffins. How can anything that smells like muffins be bad?"
+* Douglas Hadje
+* Launch commission:
+    * de
+    * Jonathan Finnes
+    * Thomas Nash
+    * Woo Hye-won
+    * Hasnaa
 
-Ey breathed deep of that scent. There was, indeed, the scent of some baked sweet bread, but that was layered atop a vegetal scent. It was not unpleasant, but not precisely like a muffin. Ey decided not to share this opinion with May.
-
-Instead, ey asked, "Is that your story, May?"
-
-"Of course not. You told the story yourself. Young Ioan with eir indoor lilacs." She laughed, peeking up at em slyly. "Or perhaps we told the story. You asked, so I suggested, as you say, and you told the story."
-
-Ioan frowned, then rolled eir eyes. "That's not what I asked, and you know it."
-
-"Tough shit. It is our story now," she said. "Now, give me your hand."
-
-Ey held eir hand out for her, then let her turn it over in her paws. Before ey could object, she flipped the flower over, pressed it firmly to eir skin, and rubbed it in a vigorous circle.
-
-"There." She held eir hand up so that ey could see, looking proud.
-
-On the back of eir hand, the skin shone a golden yellow in the circle where she had rubbed the flower.
-
-Ey shoved her over onto the grass, laughing. "You nut."
-
-She lay there among the grass, giggling helplessly. Among the grass where a brand new dandelion poked through the green in front of her snout. One that had not been there before.