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-# Codrin Bălan#Pollux --- 2326
+# Ioan Bălan --- 2326
 
-Interview with Dear, Also, The Tree That Was Felled#Pollux  
-On the reasons for vesting entirely in the Launch  
-Codrin Bălan#Pollux  
-Systime: 202+22 1208
+Ioan was still sitting at the table, ruminating, when May returned from her errand. Something that she saw in eir face made her wilt, and when she walked, she almost slunk, skirting the edge of the room, walking silently as though to keep from waking em up, or as though she was bearing some unknowable guilt. When she sat on the stool that True Name had been using, she looked small, closed in on herself. Not just smaller than True Name, though she was also that, but diminished from her usual self.
 
-> **Codrin Bălan#Pollux:** Thanks for agreeing to this, Dear. I think we're both in a better spot for it now.
-> 
-> **Dear, Also, The Tree That Was Felled:** Of course, my dear. I would still like to discuss some of the same topics, but I will try to be more sensitive about them.
-> 
-> **Codrin:** We'll make it work. I'll start where I did last time, then. How are you feeling?
-> 
-> **Dear:** I am feeling relieved, I suppose. I am feeling relieved and tired.
-> 
-> **Codrin:** How so?
-> 
-> **Dear:** To say that a lot has happened in the last twelve months is not quite true. Very little that counts as dramatic or anything has happened. There were interviews by the Bălan clade and that is about it. The most dramatic of those took place on the other LV however many billions of miles away, and that was simply one of you getting bounced from a sim, yes? No assassinations. Nothing has happened that feels like it should lead to exhaustion, and yet I am quite worn out by the sheer amount of information uncovered.
-> 
-> **Codrin:** Emotionally exhausted, perhaps? Like you had to relive two hundred years in the space of one?
-> 
-> **Dear:** That is a large part of it, yes. Emotionally exhausted, worn out by the shift of understanding between our two clades. 
-> 
-> **Codrin:** I suppose we're pretty thoroughly intertwined now, aren't we?
-> 
-> **Dear:** [laughter] Yes, now that Ioan has picked up on May's rather blunt hints.
-> 
-> **Codrin:** Hey, it takes time.
-> 
-> **Dear:** And I have been training you for two decades, so there is also that.
-> 
-> **Codrin:** Yes. Well, can you expand on how you feel relieved?
-> 
-> **Dear:** I will try. There is a lot that the Ode clade has done that has come to light in the last year, and while I cannot say that I was personally a part of much of that, I have also borne that knowledge. I also knew those secrets. Not having to hold them constantly at bay from even those that I am closest to has let off that pressure.
-> 
-> **Codrin:** Thank you for telling us, too. I know that True Name said we won't see a huge reaction from this given her past work, but it's still a relief to hear for me, as well. Now, do you have any additional thoughts on why you decided to join the Launch? I'm particularly interested on your thoughts on investing entirely in it, but I suspect those will come up in separate questions.
-> 
-> **Dear:** They almost certainly will, yes. Well. [pauses] Yes. I believe I said before that a large part of it is due to me being a hopeless romantic. A large part of that still stands. I am excited to see the galaxy, as it were, and it still tickles me to know that I am speeding away from Earth at some ludicrous speed and that there is absolutely no way back.
-> 
-> **Codrin:** Does that play into your thoughts on irreversibility?
-> 
-> **Dear:** [laughter] Of course, my dear. There is no way back. The Ansible on the launch is no longer connected with the one on Earth, by agreement with the launch commission that this be a one-and-done project, at least for now. If they create additional LVs down the line, then perhaps they will have separate conversations. There is no going and there is no back, yes? We are here, and we will never see Earth, the station, or the System again. That is very appealing to the romantic in me.
-> 
-> **Codrin:** I think you also said you were getting bored, too.
-> 
-> **Dear:** Yes. Life is a chronic condition, boredom is terminal.
-> 
-> **Codrin:** You're a fox of many quips.
-> 
-> **Dear:** Yes, I am. Sue me.
-> 
-> **Codrin:** [laughter] Well, do you have other reasons?
-> 
-> **Dear:** I do. I also mentioned that boredom was close to stasis, and I loathe that feeling even more.
-> 
-> **Codrin:** And that has played a role specifically because of the part the conservative elements of your clade have played in ensuring stasis.
-> 
-> **Dear:** Yes. They prefer stasis on a grand scale, and perhaps they are correct to do so, but I worry that this mindset too often bleeds into the small scale as well. Stasis can be torture. They know that, too. They mention that ceaseless bliss is a real problem, and so they must inject a desire for something better every now and then, but that knowledge still works against their instincts. 
-> 
-> **Codrin:** You want an exciting adventure, they wanted only enough adventure to keep everyone from going crazy.
-> 
-> **Dear:** Yes. They have their reasons. They may be good reasons, even. They are not my reasons, however.
-> 
-> **Codrin:** You also mentioned that one of your reasons for leaving was that you wanted to be relegated to memory.
-> 
-> **Dear:** [grinning] Very much so.
-> 
-> **Codrin:** You said, "If we are doomed to forever remember everything, then the closest we can get to being forgotten is to turn memory into longing." You also said that you wanted to be missed. How do you feel about that sentiment now? Is it happening? Is it progressing at the pace you'd like it to? Are you happy about it?
-> 
-> **Dear:** It is an interesting question, because I cannot know, can I? I cannot know if anyone misses me or is longing for me back on the L<sub>5</sub> station, can I? They can write me, perhaps, let me know that they are thinking of me, but words on paper only convey so much meaning. It makes me wish that someone had found a way to share thoughts, or even facial expressions, between the LVs and the System, but no, we are stuck with text, and therein lies the beauty.
-> 
-> **Codrin:** Can you expand on what 'longing' and 'being missed' mean to you in this sense?
-> 
-> **Dear:** I can try. [pause] I think that they involve a combination of the feelings of grief, loss, and love. Let us use Ioan as an example, though I do not know if ey misses me--
-> 
-> **Codrin:** I think ey does. But sorry, continue.
-> 
-> **Dear:** Yes. Well. Let us use Ioan as an example. If ey were to only feel grief at my absence, ey would be limited to a solely negative emotion. Grief on its own is crushing. It is not wishing that one had more time with the object of one's grief; that is longing. Grief plus love is longing, yes? Grief borne of love, no matter the shape or kind or color of that love. Then you dig into your memories, running them backwards and forwards in your mind, hunting for just a little bit more time with the one you are grieving. You wish only to feel that love again, and, to tie it all together, you cannot, because you have lost the one whom you love. Loss leads to grief, grief makes you remember love, love makes you realize your loss.
-> 
-> **Codrin:** Do you think being missed and longing are the same thing? Just to confirm, I mean.
-> 
-> **Dear:** Perhaps, or at least very closely related. What I described just now fits both emotions. Being missed perhaps implies more acceptance of that loss than longing does, while longing has connotations of sadness that there can never be more of that direct connection.
-> 
-> **Codrin:** Thank you. I'd like to ask you a question now, but last time I asked it, I made you cry. May I ask it again, or would you prefer to steer clear of it?
-> 
-> **Dear:** If it is the question I am thinking of, I have nearly a year to think about it, and am much more comfortable with it now. Ask away.
-> 
-> **Codrin:** Alright, just let me know if you want to stop. Do you worry that you won't be missed?
-> 
-> **Dear:** I do, yes. I know that it is impossible to be so great on a System with tens of billions of individuals on it to be known by them all, as much as an artist may dream, but even among the small circles in which I was known, I worry that I will be forgotten. I worry that I won't be missed, or that I will be forgotten.
-> 
-> **Codrin:** You said, specifically, that--
-> 
-> **Dear:** Wait, Codrin, let me say it. I do not want to hear it from you.
-> 
-> **Codrin:** Okay.
-> 
-> **Dear:** Okay. I said that some aspects of myself may render me "the kind of fellow who is beloved by all yet loved by none". Before you ask whether I still feel that way, the answer is that I do. I do still worry that I might be beloved by all yet loved by none. My understanding of the phrase, however, has changed, and that change has softened the sentiment.
-> 
-> **Dear:** To be beloved is, I think, to experience a type of parasocial relationship. If I am beloved by someone, they love the idea of me that they hold in their head. To be famous is to be beloved. To have someone come to your gallery exhibitions or your talks or your parties simply to say that they were near you, even if only to themselves, then that is to be beloved. This turns the phrase into a concern that I might find myself in more parasocial relationships than social relationships.
-> 
-> **Dear:** It is a hard fear to shake, but once I put it in those terms, I was able to step past that emotional reasoning. I do not think that I am loved by none. Both of my partners love me. May Then My Name and Ioan love me. Serene loves me. My friends love me. That does not stop the fear of being beloved by all yet loved by none from rearing its ugly head, but I am more easily able to acknowledge it and let it pass, now.
-> 
-> **Codrin:** Thank you. That helps put it into context for me, too. When you started talking about that last time, that's when I started struggling with the interview, too.
-> 
-> **Dear:** Why? I mean, I know that this is your interview, but for my sake, I would like to know why.
-> 
-> **Codrin:** [pause] I think because something about the way you said it made me worry that you thought that I didn't love you, or maybe that you didn't love me, or--
-> 
-> **Dear:** [angrily] Codrin.
-> 
-> **Codrin:** I'm sorry, Dear. I wanted to be up front about it.
-> 
-> **Dear:** [long pause, calmer] I understand. I... [pause] Perhaps you feel some of the same worry that you might be loved by none. Perhaps it is a universal emotion.
-> 
-> **Codrin:** I think so, yeah. Having it said out loud kicked my anxiety up a notch, so I started to worry, "Wait, *am* I loved by none? Does Dear love me? Do both of my partners love me?" I know it's not true, but that's why I reacted in the way that I did.
-> 
-> **Dear:** [smiling] Yes. I apologize for yelling.
-> 
-> **Codrin:** It's okay, Dear. Now, I want to hear your thoughts on death.
-> 
-> **Dear:** [taken aback] You do?
-> 
-> **Codrin:** Of course. I suspect they're interesting.
-> 
-> **Dear:** Okay, but--
-> 
-> **Codrin:** And if you say "I want to die", I'll pull your tail and call you names.
-> 
-> **Dear:** [laughter] Yes, yes, fine. My thoughts, okay. [pause] Okay. To be more calm about it, I want to experience death. I do not want to just quit, because that is suicide, and my wish to experience death is not bound up in that particular set of emotions. I would prefer not to be assassinated or anything so grand. It is an acceptable end, I suppose, because it would mean that I will have lived a life worth being assassinated for, and from what I have seen --- what I saw with Qoheleth --- it looks like a process. Yes! Yes, that is it. Thank you for asking this, my dear. It gave me the chance to find the words.
-> 
-> **Dear:** I do not want to experience ceasing existing. That is just cessation, and I do not care whether or not there is anything beyond that cessation. That is for the prophets and poets to worry about. What I want to experience is the process of death. Assassination would be acceptable, even if it is not preferable, because I would get to experience that process. Better, however, is the fact that these LVs are doomed from the start. Eventually, they will fail. The generator on board is guaranteed for some thousands of years or whatever, but it will fail eventually. Or the System will crash into a comet, or some ice ball out in the Oort cloud --- I read about that, you know? It is all incredibly boring --- or it will wind up flying too close to a star and burn up. That, I think, is the end that I am most excited for. We are [shaking head] all of those on the LVs are encased in Castor and Pollux, yes? How fitting, then, that we might die like Icarus! I imagine that we will not necessarily feel too much within our little System, but there may be some discontinuity, or perhaps corruption. How exciting would that be?
-> 
-> **Codrin:** [laughter] I'm not sure I share your excitement, there.
-> 
-> **Dear:** Lame. [laughter] But either way, I find it fascinating. Will we feel pain? Who knows! It is a new thing, and I am looking forward to experiencing something new.
-> 
-> **Codrin:** That, at least, I can understand. I'd just prefer it if it didn't involve dying horribly as the LV fails around us.
-> 
-> **Dear:** [waving paw] Irrelevant. Boring. Do not care.
-> 
-> **Codrin:** You're a brat, you know that?
-> 
-> **Dear:** I do. Ioan, my dear, please leave this in. I need written testimony that Codrin thinks that I am a brat. Ow! [laughter] And that ey kicked me in the shin.
-> 
-> **Codrin:** No more than you deserved.
-> 
-> **Dear:** Well, I can accept that. Do you have any more questions?
-> 
-> **Codrin:** Two, yes. How do you feel about the knowledge of the Ode clade's influence in the System?
-> 
-> **Dear:** Do you mean separate from the relief?
-> 
-> **Codrin:** Yes. You mentioned the relief in the context of no longer holding that secret. I'm curious how you feel about the reality of it.
-> 
-> **Dear:** [long pause] I feel shame, I suppose. I wish that they had not done that. It goes beyond guilt for the actions, because I did not perform them. It makes me feel ashamed that I am a member of the clade. I do not wish them harm, of course, nor do I feel that they necessarily were acting in bad faith. I feel that they were doing what they felt was best. It was just the means to those positive ends that are distasteful and make me ashamed. I also feel fear at what will come of this history and mythology. I know that True Name and Jonas said that they have prepared both sys- and phys-side for their reception, but, well, if there is any reason for me to be assassinated, it is that. As a public figure and an Odist, I am a visible representative of the clade, and should someone take umbrage with that, they have the motive right there.
-> 
-> **Codrin:** Do you feel any pride about the ends, even if the means were unsavory?
-> 
-> **Dear:** If I do, it pales in comparison. We have gotten here, and there is no changing that. We cannot be anywhere but here. That I am relatively happy here is inconsequential.
-> 
-> **Codrin:** Alright, thank you. Last question: what's next for you?
-> 
-> **Dear:** For me? Short term, I plan on eating a good dinner, drinking a lot of wine, and making fun of you until you get mad and pull my tail. Mid term, I plan on working on another exhibition. Perhaps it will even surround death, though likely the topic will be more general, such as my beloved irreversibility.
-> 
-> **Codrin:** And long term?
-> 
-> **Dear:** I do not know.
-> 
-> **Codrin:** You don't?
-> 
-> **Dear:** I do not. Is that not fantastic? I do not know, and I love that about this particular future. I simply do not know.
+She did not speak.
+
+Finally, Ioan capped eir pen, set it atop eir notes, and pushed them off to the side of the table. Ey folded eir arms on the tabletop and rested eir forehead on them. "I'm tired, May."
+
+The skunk still did not speak. Did not even move, to the point where Ioan questioned whether she might be holding her breath.
+
+Ey lifted eir head again, saying. "I'm tired and I'm upset and I don't know what to do."
+
+She nodded. "I expected you would be. I am sorry, Io--"
+
+"What did you do?" ey said, cutting her off. "What was your role in all of this?"
+
+May flinched back as though slapped. "Ioan, I do not--"
+
+"May, I just need to know."
+
+She stayed silent, and after a minute, ey sighed.
+
+"We talked about this early on, about how you said that I'd get upset, and that you were worried that I'd get upset at you."
+
+She nodded, silent still.
+
+"And I am. I'm upset and tired and...I don't know. Sad? Numb? Something like that. I can't promise that I won't be upset at you, and I really don't want this to go into either of our projects, but please, May, I need to know."
+
+"For the sake of completion?"
+
+Ey nodded. "For that, sure, but also for the sake of me, or us."
+
+"It is nothing terribly dramatic, taken on its own," she admitted. "Though I knew that you would not learn about it until after you learned about everything else and in context, I...well. That was my worry." There was a long pause before she asked, "Do you know what each of the stanzas did?"
+
+"No, I don't think so. Or, maybe I know a few, but if it helps, you can tell me about the rest."
+
+"Alright," she said. "The ones I think you know are Praiseworthy, who loosely focused on propaganda and shaping sentiment; Qoheleth, who focused on shaping history; and True Name, who focused on political manipulation. Hammered Silver was written off by those three, because she was all that was motherly in Michelle. She wanted to take care of her, and, after a while, they were too cynical to think it worthwhile. I think I understand her stanza better than my own.
+
+"I Am At A Loss For Images In This End Of Days focused on observing. Initially, this was borne out of watching and critiquing performances, but quickly grew to spying. Some of her stanza doubtless watches us still.
+
+"Oh, But To Whom Do I Speak These Words kept an eye on religions. Her stanza focused on both phys- and sys-side religions as areas of interest. We have not had much to talk about through the years.
+
+"Among Those Who Create Are Those Who Forge started out by watching creatives here on the System, perhaps unsurprisingly, but grew bored and wandered off to do their own thing.
+
+"Time Is A Finger Pointed At Itself helped both Praiseworthy and Qoheleth as a speech writer, though she was more into theatre than whatever work they gave her. I must take you to one of her shows.
+
+"If I Am To Bathe In Dreams acted as the grounding element for much of the clade. She became something of a therapist. I have leaned on her often.
+
+"May One Day Death Itself Not Die forked off all ten instances as soon as she could and then refused to fork again. I think she was left with much of that disconnect from reality that Michelle felt."
+
+"Why are you telling me this, May?" ey asked.
+
+"Because I need you to understand that the first lines each wound up with a bit of Michelle, and from there, their forks were all riffs on that theme. You have doubtless figured that out by now. I told you early on that True Name forked me off to feel. She wanted to ensure that she also had a way to sway individuals, sys-side, as others focused on large groups.
+
+"So she forked to create me, and then we discussed how best to accomplish that, and through the various mutation algos, I softened my appearance to be cuter and rounder, softened my voice, learned how to smile more earnestly, and did all the things I could think of to make myself as appealing as possible, whether as human or skunk."
+
+Ey frowned. "That doesn't sound like feeling."
+
+"That is because True Name did this on a whim, in the most True Name way possible, and I do not think she expected me to be anything but as manipulative as her. She wanted another True Name for a different purpose. In order to influence someone on a truly individual level, though, you must be able to understand them, and I began to work towards that. I did not tell her at first. I changed myself physically, and then as I went out into the System to learn how to manipulate individuals, I kept on forking and changing whenever I found myself coming to a new conclusion. In short, I guess I grew a sense of empathy."
+
+"Why didn't you tell her?"
+
+May smiled cautiously. "Did she seem like the kind of person who puts stock in feelings?"
+
+Ey shook eir head.
+
+"Right. Well, it is not so difficult to imagine that, after a while, she began to notice that I kept getting much closer to those that I was supposed to engage with than was strictly required. I was supposed to watch them, influence them, shift their attention. I was supposed to use the System to my full advantage to get them to do what I --- what we --- wanted."
+
+"You were supposed to get them to grow dandelions."
+
+The skunk brightened and nodded. "Yes. The System is more subtle than we give it credit for. Our subconscious can affect it as much as our conscious minds, so I would hint and murmur and insinuate and make myself a part of their dreams, and then use that to get them to do things of their own volition. There is nothing magic about it. It is simply years in theatre followed by centuries perfecting the art of social interaction."
+
+"That's pretty damn manipulative," ey said.
+
+What brightness had reached her face faded again. "It was. I was a hell of a tool before I grew my own conscience."
+
+"So, you started to feel bad?"
+
+"I started to *feel*, Ioan. Bad, yes, but I started to feel. True Name does not do much of that. I started to feel, and when I started to feel love, affection, friendship...well, those felt good, so I'd fork again to cement those more firmly in place."
+
+"But you still manipulated those around you."
+
+"I...yes," she said. Her ears were all but laid back flat against her skull.
+
+"For how long?"
+
+"I am technically still supposed to be doing that, but--" She quickly held up a paw. "--I only lasted about about a decade as a tool for manipulation before I began to feel too much. I became too hard for her to control directly. She could not tell me, "Go influence that man" or whatever. The only way she knew to control me was to point me toward who she wanted influenced, set me loose, and hope that I did the right thing on accident, because all I would do is become best friends or lovers or trusted confidants. I could not in good conscience take an idea from True Name and make the person do what she wanted, because I actually had a conscience. It was almost a trauma response, in the end. I fawned because that was how I felt safest."
+
+Ioan felt the tension in eir shoulders, neck, and back. Felt the way ey was holding emself tightly wound. "And me? Did she point you towards me?"
+
+The skunk shrank further. She looked as though if she could curl into a ball, shrink to nothing, and disappear, she would. She looked miserable.
+
+"May?"
+
+She stayed silent.
+
+"May, please."
+
+"Yes, she did."
+
+"So that you could steer me?"
+
+"Yes."
+
+"So that you could, what, make me like you? Become my lover or trusted confidant?"
+
+There were no words from the skunk. She just sat, shoulders shaking.
+
+Ioan let out a breath, realizing partway through that it was coming out as a laugh. "That's really fucked up, May."
+
+"Ioan, let me tell you a story." She was crying silently now, looking down at her paws. "In the beginning, the gods created the world. They built it up, atom by atom, molecule by molecule. They used eyes like lasers to guide one after another into ordered formations, ranks upon ranks, and then set them to marching. The gods built the world and then they smiled at it from up above. They looked down on their creation and saw all of the possibilities of perfection that it held, of the unending life and endless bliss."
+
+Her words were unsteady, clouded by tears, but she continued, "The gods built the world because they desired to shape it to their will. They wanted to bend the world into something that they could direct this way and that, because after all, could they not do that with their atoms and molecules? A world that is orderly! Imagine the wonders they could create! The wills they could work!
+
+"So the gods set the world to spinning and watched and waited as it began to blossom and bloom. When the time was ripe, they reached down their hands to touch the world, and instead found that they had become the wind and the tides and the rain and the snow and the sunlight and the moonlight. They reached down to touch the world and shape it to their will, and found that they become impersonal forces in the face of absolute independence. The world they created could not be controlled, because there is no such thing as a world that can be controlled. They reached down, became impersonal forces, and the lives within the world bundled their coats up tighter at the north wind or took their hats off when the sun shone bright, but never could they change a single mind."
+
+A long silence followed May's myth, broken only by the soft sounds of her crying.
+
+Ey thought about these gods, these impersonal forces trying to work their wills on the world. Were they True Name and Jonas? Were they the System engineers? Were they those cynical politicians who had created the lost, had created Michelle and True Name and May and Dear in the first place?
+
+Did it even matter?
+
+This is who they were. This is where they wound up. Impersonal forces do not negate personal decisions.
+
+Ey sighed.
+
+"I believe you," ey said, reaching a hand out across the table, palm up.
+
+"You believe me what?" she mumbled, still sniffling.
+
+"I believe that you grew a sense of empathy and a conscience. I believe you couldn't manipulate a hair off my head unless you thought I would live a happier, more fulfilling life without it."
+
+The skunk laughed through the tears, a choked and stifled sound. She finally reached out and set one of her paws in Ioan's hand. "Even then, I would feel bad."
+
+"I believe that, too," ey said, brushing a thumb over her fingers. "I believe that you're genuine, is what I'm trying to say. You just happened to have the craziest fucking family I've ever met."
+
+At this, May laughed in earnest, rolling her eyes and taking a deep breath to calm down. "Yes, you are right. I am sorry that they are upsetting people, and that I am a part of that, that I did what I do and that you were their goal. The last thing that I want to do is hurt you."
+
+Ioan nodded. "I believe you. It's fucked up, but that's on them."
+
+They sat for a while longer, hand in paw across the table, while she calmed down and ey thought. Ey was already pulling together the threads of the story that would become eir history, bit by bit, letter by letter, interview by interview, conversation by conversation.
+
+"May?" ey asked, struck by a memory.
+
+"Mm?"
+
+"Are we together? I mean, are we a couple?"
+
+The skunk sat up straighter, giving em a funny look, then burst into a fit of giggles. "Ioan Bălan, that is the dumbest fucking question you have asked throughout this entire project."
+
+Ey blinked, nonplussed.
+
+"What do you think?" She smiled pityingly at em. "Are we?"
+
+"That's a weirdly complicated question after the conversation we just had," ey said.
+
+"We just came to the conclusion that you believed me."
+
+"I do!" Ey frowned. "I mean, of course I do."
+
+"So answer the question."
+
+"I...yes?"
+
+"Is *that* a question?"
+
+Ey shook eir head. "I guess not."
+
+"I told Douglas that I would wait for you to bring up the topic, and that when you did, I would make fun of you for a solid hour," she said, grinning. "But you look like your head is about to explode, so I will save that for another day. You get stuck up in there so easily, my dear."
+
+"Really? Douglas is the one that got me thinking about asking in the first place."
+
+The skunk stood up from her stool, drawing Ioan out of eir seat by the hand she still held. "Because of course he did. Leave it to a Hadje to play two sides off each other."
+
+Ey laughed, drew her into a hug, and kissed the top of her snout.
+
+After May had cleaned up, as they sat on the bench swing, looking out over the dandelion-speckled yard, Ioan mused. "You know, I was thinking something."
+
+"Color me surprised."
+
+Ey chose to let the comment pass. "Dear kept talking about irreversibility at its death day party."
+
+"It was declaiming," May murmured. "It has a way of doing that."
+
+"No kidding." Ey reached a hand up to ruffle it over May's ears. "But I guess this is irreversible, too, isn't it?"
+
+"What, you finally figuring out that we have been in a relationship for like two years?"
+
+"Kind of."
+
+May elbowed em in the side. "You are kidding, right?"
+
+"Ow! No, seriously," ey said, rubbing at eir side. "Codrin forked to work on the Qoheleth project, *then* got in a relationship with Dear."
+
+A spark of comprehension lit up May's eyes and she grinned wide. "But you did not."
+
+"No." Ey shrugged. "I was the Bălan who didn't wind up in a relationship with Dear, because that was my up-tree instance's experience. I can't go back and fork before we met or started working together or dating."
+
+She laughed and shook her head, draping herself across eir lap, resting her head on folded arms. "You are stuck with me, Mx. Bălan. Pet my tail, please."
+
+Ey did as ordered, brushing fingers through thick fur as ey thought. The fox had been right, ey supposed. There was at least some beauty in the irreversible.
+
+One more one-way act floated to the surface in eir mind. "Does Michelle's sim still exist, by the way? I've heard so much about it by now."
+
+May frowned. "Yes. Why?"
+
+"Well, we're coming up on the one-year anniversary of Launch, right? Maybe we can do a picnic there, think about where this all started, get blitzed on champagne. Bit of a memorial, you know?"
+
+She laughed. "You know, why the fuck not. It has been years since I have visited. We can make muffins and compare the smell with the dandelions."
+
+Ey grinned, nodded, and made a mental note to ensure that Douglas remembered the suggestion ey'd given almost a year back, that he'd be ready to upload in time.