checkpoint

book/content/self-harm/self-harm.tex

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+Self harm is a recurring theme within my life.
+
+It takes so many forms, too. The cutting and burning, sure, but also the self-sabotage. Dropping my testosterone to zero. If approaching this in a sexual fashion was wrong, then remove the sexuality.
+
+\begin{ally}
+An obvious solution.
+\end{ally}
+I punished myself for what I did. If was fetishizing, if I was causing harm, then I deserved to suffer for it. I removed my sexuality from the picture. Cyproterone acetate twice a day and medroxyprogesterone every two weeks does a really good job of that.
+
+I tell myself now that if I belive something to be true when I'm depressed as well as when I'm hypomanic, it's more likely to be right.
+
+\begin{ally}
+One of us only tells the truth, and one of us only lies.
+\end{ally}
+Perhaps if I still felt like I existed a few millimeters to the left of my body when sex wasn't a part of the equation, I was more likely to be right in pursuing the path of gender exploration.
+
+I talked with JD about this, he helped me out, but I told basically no one else. I tanked my T and attempted to learn from my punishment.
+
+\begin{ally}
+Now now, what did we say about secrets?
+\end{ally}
+And then I let it slip on FurryMUCK, yes.
+
+\begin{ally}
+You spilled the beans.
+\end{ally}
+Yes. Then I admitted it. I talked about it.
+
+\begin{ally}
+You spoiled the surprise.
+\end{ally}
+Everyone was so confused.
+
+\begin{ally}
+Lapsus linguae.
+\end{ally}
+I was so ashamed.
+
+\begin{ally}
+You spoke too soon.
+\end{ally}
+Even my punishment was wrong.
+
+\begin{ally}
+It was the last thing Margaras heard from you.
+\end{ally}
+Never mind stopping myself from creating Younes, nevermind stopping myself from chemical castration; if I could go back in time, I would stop myself from saying anything for just a few more days.
+
+\begin{ally}
+He died knowing that about you.
+\end{ally}
+If Margaras had to die, I would that he not die with that being the last he heard from me.
+
+\begin{ally}
+You cannot take that back.
+\end{ally}
+If Younes, chemcast, and Margs' death are immutable, if losing my friends was inevitable, at least let me delay the hour of my mistake.
+
+\begin{ally}
+You cannot.
+\end{ally}
+Please.
+
+\begin{ally}
+You cannot.
+\end{ally}
+Oh god.
+
+\begin{ally}
+It was the last thing he heard from you.
+\end{ally}
+Merciful god, please take me away.
+
+\begin{ally}
+You never spoke to him again.
+\end{ally}
+I will close my eyes and my heart and become a stone.
+\newpage
+
+\noindent There is too much fire in me
+
+to be described by the soldering iron's tip.
+
+\begin{ally}
+I must not fear.
+\end{ally}
+Were I to draw it across my skin,
+
+it would all spill out at once.
+
+\begin{ally}
+Fear is the mind-killer.
+\end{ally}
+I'd melt, eaten whole by flames,
+
+and flow into a pool of molten glass.
+
+\begin{ally}
+Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
+\end{ally}
+Sublimation would claim me,
+
+atoms would scatter, diffuse.
+
+\begin{ally}
+I will face my fear.
+\end{ally}
+I would be borne up through the clouds,
+
+and grow lighter by the second.
+
+\begin{ally}
+I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
+\end{ally}
+All that energy poured to the air around me,
+
+an imperceptible increase in temperature.
+
+\begin{ally}
+And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
+\end{ally}
+Particle would excite particle
+
+until I'm felt only as warmth on your face.
+
+\begin{ally}
+Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
+\end{ally}
+But even that would not be enough.
+
+\begin{ally}
+Only I will remain.
+\end{ally}
+\newpage
+
+TIASAP stands for \emph{The Ill-Advised Self-Administration Period}.
+
+This is why.
+
+I was unsafe about it.
+
+I lost my sexuality for years.
+
+I turned the need for change into punishment.
+
+The color drained from my universe. The flavor was gone from food. I could not smell.
+
+\begin{ally}
+And when you added in a bit of estrogen, you wept at the return of sensation.
+\end{ally}
+I tell myself now that if I belive something to be true when I'm depressed as well as when I'm hypomanic, it's more likely to be right.
+
+And, well.
+
+Now I knew it was right.
+
+But I was unsafe, I was punishing myself, and I did it all on purpose.
+
+\begin{ally}
+Why ruin your life on accident when you can do it on purpose?
+\end{ally}
+\newpage