Poly, sex, some gender

content/poly/04.md

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+date: 2019-09-23
+weight: 4
+---
+
+Relationship anarchy, as a topic, seems to draw heavily from both poly folks and queer folks. In fact, the three ideas are so heavily intertwined that it's difficult to have one without the others. Poly? Well, there's a good chance that there are some queer aspects to your relationship.
+
+And if you're queer and at least of a certain age, relationship anarchy is baked into your soul. If your society sets up a "natural" relationship progression and then bars an entire class from entry to that progression, subversive and transgressive relationship structures form as a matter of course.
+
+> Queer people, queer relationships.
+
+Yes. June, 2004:
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+<div class="verse">Queer hair, queer mouth, queer brain,
+queer sleeves, queer shoes,
+queer toes, queer nails,
+queer fingers, queer palms, hairy palms,
+queer wrists, limp wrists,
+queer arms,
+queer shoulders, arms around shoulders,
+queer neck, sensitive neck,
+queer hair, curly,
+queer ears, sensitive ears, eargasmic,
+queer cheek, blushing cheek,
+queer nose, got it from my dad,
+queer eyes, queer colors, got them from my grandpa,
+queer eyebrows, but not as queer as some,
+queer face, too long,
+queer chest, too skinny,
+queer belly, padded,
+queer crotch, go figure,
+queer thighs, better believe it,
+queer knees, queer calfs, queer ankles, queer legs, flexible,
+queer feet, still smell,
+queer guy, no surprise.</div>
+
+When you're queer, *being queer* is baked into just about everything about you, but most especially in your relationships. "Minority identity acts as a force multiplier on social dynamics," as Orrery put it.
+
+> And so?
+
+And so, being hopelessly queer, I wind up in relationships that are hopelessly queer.
+
+> Except when you don't.
+
+Yes. And when I don't, there's such a fundamental mismatch of understanding that I feel uncomfortable in my own skin.
+
+Something that queer relationships miss, or at least reconfigure to their own ends, is the relationship escalator, that heteronormative idea that one gets on at the ground floor of friendship and gets off at the top with marriage, or one can stop off at any of the other floors to stop for a while, or to step off entirely when the relationship ends.
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+It's not a bad idea, either. It's not as old as some would have you think, but in today's society, it works quite well.
+
+> Does the divorce rate agree with you there?
+
+Is that just another step on the escalator?
+
+> Touché.
+
+In nonheteronormaitve relationships, the idea is muddied. The friends-dating-marriage-children set of steps, originally shattered whe marriage was made illegal and adoption banned for large swaths of queer folks, just doesn't fit. The barrier between friends and dating, as well as between dating and permanent relationship, is thin, osmotic.
+
+> Suddenly, you're in a relationship. Suddenly, you're saying "I love you."
+
+Yes. Suddenly, organically, though not for lack of deliberation. There's much talking, if everything goes right, much working out of boundaries. It's just that there are fewer milestones.
+
+> Why do you bring this up? You're not writing an article. Out with it.
+
+Right.

content/poly/05.md

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+date: 2019-09-23
+weight: 5
+---
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+If poly is queer, in that it's not relationship-normative, then I'm queer. If being trans is queer because it's not gender-normative, then I'm queer. If my identity blurs lines, then I'm queer.
+
+If I'm in a relationship with someone, then, is that a queer relationship? Is my partner queer?
+
+> What would they say?
+
+I don't know. I haven't gotten to the point of talking to myself about this yet, much less talking with them. That's what this process is, isn't it?
+
+> So what would you say, then?
+
+My gut instinct says that, since I'm trans, I've transgressed the lines of gender-normative relationships; since I'm poly, I've transgressed the lines of relationship-normative relationships. That, since I am queer, the relationship must be as well.
+
+> But?
+
+But it doesn't really feel like it. I feel like a girlfriend. Barac feels like a boyfriend. I feel like I've stepped onto an escalator, here.
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+> There is an error in your gut instinct: it does not take into account that, in a relationship between two people, there are more than just two actors. There is you, there is your past, there is Barac and his, and there is society, influencing all four of you. That you are queer and that Barac does not consider himself to be is beside the point. Society, Barac, and Barac's past all think of this as a straight relationship --- or a take on one, at least --- and that's overwhelming your gut instinct, which only has access to you, and limited access to your past.
+
+Is that why I feel contention, then? Is that why there are an odd number of actors in this situation?
+
+> Perhaps. Perhaps you are feeling contention because you are having to work, for once, rather than slot smoothly into a relationship.
+
+My other relationships have taken work, though.
+
+> Your other partners have spoken the same language as you. It was easier to coordinate that work. You and Barac are having to learn each other's language as you go along.
+
+Robin and I had to learn the language of poly when we were starting out together. Judith and I and Colton and I both had our own things to learn as our relationships grew.
+
+> Yes, but you all spoke queer. None of you really spoke normative, a skill you're having to learn late in life.

content/poly/06.md

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+date: 2019-09-23
+weight: 6
+---
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+I've been married for seven years. Robin and I have been together for more than five. My polycule has grown steadily over the years, and I have to wonder: how much of my polyamory, my relationship anarchy is a coping mechanism for how I was raised?
+
+> Does it matter?
+
+Yes, I think it does. *Early on, I promised myself that I would do anything to not become my dad,* I said. I wanted to stay away from serial monogamy. I wanted to talk more and perform less within my relationships. I wanted to be an improvement upon what I saw growing up.
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+If I'm poly because I'm coping for my past once again, have I really grown? Or have I fallen into the trap just on the other side of the path?
+
+If I'm coping for my childhood, what would I leave my children coping with?
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+> Again, does it matter? You must walk a fine line between the selfish and selfless when working with reality. In order to be happy, you need to not repeat the past, as you've said --- a selfish act. But worrying about counterfactuals with non-existent entities, being **too** selfless in this, will only set you back in your own growth.
+
+Perhaps I'm worried that if poly and such are just coping mechanisms, my relationships might be somehow less real, less earnest than if they weren't. Perhaps I'm worried that I'm doing a disservice to my partners by using them to overcome my own failings.
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+> This is impostor syndrome, not using people. No relationship is perfect, all that matters is that you're approaching these honestly, earnestly, and with your whole heart. Even then, there will be friction occasionally. Your parents gave you stuff to cope with, and you would give your children stuff to cope with too.
+
+Guess it's a good thing I don't have kids.
+
+> Let's talk about kink.
+
+Oh my *god*.
+
+> Alas, had I a face, I would be able to smirk. Imagine that for me, will you?
+
+You know what? <a class="pulse" href="/sex">Now's as good a time as any</a>.