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content/self-harm/suicide/001.md

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+date: 2019-09-28
+weight: 1
+---
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+<div class="verse">From the point of view of the universe, Max's death wasn't a big deal, it was just my big deal.</div>
+
+On March 21st, 2012, I tried to kill myself.
+
+It's amazing how such a simple statement of fact reflects, months of strange tension, slow recovery, and a whole lot of trying to understand what really happened. It's not a comfortable thing for anyone to discuss, but it's one of those things I need to discuss, need to get off my chest.  A little too much of what makes life meaningful for me now is wrapped up in that one night.
+
+> Even now?
+
+Even now.
+
+> You wrote that disclaimer four months after the attempt itself. You copied it from some notes from back then. You even kept the Steve Eisman quote.
+
+Yes. Nostalgia, remember?
+
+> Are you nostalgic for those weighty months after you tried to kill yourself?
+
+If Matthew died on September of that year, then he was sick long before. This was part of his long, slow death rattle.
+
+Perhaps it's not totally accurate to say that I'm nostalgic for that time in particular, but I suppose I am nostalgic for the sense of change that permeated the air around me then. Something big was happening. Something terrible and wonderful.
+
+> And you got to witness it from the inside.
+
+Yes. I got to watch the agonal breathing that went on for far too long. I got to see his eyes widen in terror. I got up to fetch the cold compress and came back to a quiet room.
+
+I'm not nostalgic for that pain, no. I'm nostalgic for the fact that I am who I am because I went through that. I'm nostalgic for what it came to symbolize. I'm nostalgic for its part in Madison's birth.

content/self-harm/suicide/_index.md

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+type: serial
+background: '#222222'
+color: '#aaaaaa'
+quote: '#999999'
+---
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+<div class="cw">Suicide</div>